krbkholidayzine

[buffyspeak]

not to make this about alec too much (bc quite frankly this arc already sidelines magnus in his own story which is. frustrating!) but when alec asks magnus if having magic is really worth dying for and magnus says “maybe” and alec is like “how you can even say that.” yes it’s because someone he loves and cares very deeply about has admitted something Incredibly Upsetting And Concerning. but i think it would be weird to discount the fact that alec himself has struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts and urges, and though we got so little of their talk in 2.09, magnus is clearly someone who knows more of his struggle and has supported him. so when someone you maybe a little bit look to for... guidance? comfort? on dealing with the pains of life without falling back on those urges is admitting that they themselves are even somewhat succumbing to them... that is overwhelming to say the least!

[dani-dabbles]

The Difficult Task (a Malec fic)

READ ON AO3

It is easy to go down into hell; night and day the gates of dark death stand wide; but to climb back up again, to retrace one's steps to the open air; there lies the problem, the difficult task.

Virgil, The Aeneid

[ NOW ]

He shouldn’t have noticed it. This crumbling, burnt piece of paper he now held in his hand.

Magnus had breezed into his love’s office via portal hoping to find him and drag him away from reports long enough to escape to the Napa Valley for dinner at one of their favorite wineries. But the office was oddly silent except for the soft but consistent pinging of message notifications coming from the tablet on Alec’s desk - sure sign that Alec did indeed need a break from a job that never gives him adequate rest. Now if he could only find the man that was noticeably absent.

Doing a final cursory sweep of the room before seeking out his dashing Shadowhunter, Magnus had noticed the paper at the edge of the fireplace, slightly smoldering. He had only meant to move it to prevent a fire hazard but that was before he saw the words written hastily across its surface that gave him pause. The blackened edges and minor holes did little to censor its content.

Just like the Clave

…come to resent you

…best just isn’t good enough…

why are you still here…

…selfish and naive

embarrassed us all

Followed by repetitive lines of

Not good enough

Not good enough

Not good enough

Not good enough

Not good enough

Until they trailed off in a mess of blotted, smeared ink.

More notifications annoyingly ping from Alec’s desk and Magnus fights the urge to shatter the device with a flick of his wrist. Because fuck the Clave and their ever growing list of demands and pressure on the young Head of the New York Institute. And fuck the Shadowhunter’s standard of perfection, of looking the other goddamned way when one of their own is crumbling under the pressure.

And fuck this ugly piece of paper for taunting him with all the evidence that he is failing his Shadowhunter. Again .

Alec has been so much better these past few months. After the incident back in October. After Magnus had to bring his love back from the brink of utter self-destruction.

He chokes back on the anger and disgust that climbs like sour bile up his throat. His magic responds to his tumultuous emotions as if he’s in physical danger. Blue flames flicker and jump down his arms ready to snap out at any unexpected threat.

Magnus resists the urge to throw the damned thing back in the fire and let the heat destroy every accursed word. But now is not the time for a magical fit of rage.

Instead he tucks the paper into his pocket.

A reminder.

A promise.

But right now he needs to find Alexander.

Magnus flicks his hand and the office door explodes open banging against the wall. Paintings fall but Magnus is already down the hall before they hit the floor.

///////////////////////////////////////

[ LAST OCTOBER ]

He needs you.

The text comes through and Magnus doesn’t hesitate. He immediately stands from his seat, one hand already flicking to open a portal, “I’m sorry. I must go.”

In different circumstances, Magnus might be more bothered at his lack of manners abruptly leaving a meeting with other High Warlocks without explanation. But there is not a universe in existance where those ten letters won’t take precedence over everything else.

Seconds later the portal snaps closed behind him and the silence of the New York Institute greets him. Standing in the middle of the ops center, Magnus feels like the only soul in the building. Tracks of ichor in various boot tread patterns stain the typically pristine floors, angelic weapons are strewn about as if dropped and forgotten, and the only light comes from the monitors glowing with various maps and statistics. Magnus decides right then he’d have rather entered into chaos with alarms sounding and Shadowhunters running about.

Because this silence holds the weight of tragedies already past.

“Oh thank the angel you’re here.”

The soft words have barely made it to his ears before arms are thrown around him from behind.

Magnus detaches the rune marked arms from his torso just long enough to turn around and better embrace Isabelle Lightwood.

“Where is he?”

Isabelle sniffles, her face still firmly pressed against Magnus’ chest. “The roof.”

They give each other a quick squeeze of comfort and understanding, but either want him to linger. Magnus needs to find Alexander. Quickly

The autumn wind is harsher on the Institute’s roof, spearing sharply through the material of Magnus’ wool coat. Even though dawn is fast approaching, the roof of the Institute is a shadowed haven for his reclusive archer. But like a moth to a flame, Magnus zeroes in on the lone figure sitting precariously on the ledge, so close the slightest movement could tip them over the edge.

He approaches cautiously but with heavy footfalls so his presence is known.

“Alexander?”

The already taunt shoulders, tighten even more. It's the only reaction to indicate Alec heard him.

Now at the edge with him, Magnus slowly lowers himself to sit next to Alexander, his movements slow and unhurried because of the fight or flight energy radiating from the distressed man. They have been here before. Magnus knows Alexander well enough to know that when he is overwhelmed or upset he will either lash out or refuse to acknowledge the issue all together. Both are fine by Magnus. He can withstand a potential verbal onslaught if that’s what Alec needs, and he can just as easily sit here all night offering his company in silence.

Alec doesn’t look over or acknowledge Magnus. Instead, the Head of the New York Institute sits, hunched over his lap, limbs slightly trembling. Magnus can tell his hands are working against one another, digging, pinching at one another - a terrible tick that Magnus made note of a long time ago. So he asks, “Darling, what can I do? What do you need?” There was no use in asking him if he’s okay or if something was wrong, because the answer to both questions was glaringly obvious.

Alec only offers a subtle shake of his head.

Magnus can’t hold himself back any longer. The desperate need to comfort his lover has him prying the man’s hands from where they are fidgeting in his lap. It's not until he is interlacing his left hand with Alec’s right that he notices the wetness of their grip.

He holds Alec’s hand up for closer inspection.

Blood.

In the limited light of the night it looks black against Alec’s alabaster skin as it coats his hand and trails down his wrist beyond the sleeves of his leather jacket.

Still not looking at Magnus, Alec whispers, “I’m fine.”

Magnus turns the hand and finds a deep wound across Alec’s palm. A horrific cut slices diagonally from finger to wrist, edges ragged and torn. The tendons are exposed and quite possibly damaged but Magnus can’t tell through the mess of dark blood which still sluggishly pulses from the wound.

An iratze. That is Magnus’ first thought. He should have used an iratze rune by now. But why-

Magnus knows why. He knows Alec’s ways of coping. Throwing punches at the bag in the gym until his knuckles bleed. Letting arrows fly until blood trails between his fingers. Staying awake for over 36 hours because he has to do whatever task the Clave has assigned him to perfection.

But this it's different. This isn’t a superficial wound that can be easily remedied. This could be debilitating. The mobility of his dominant hand is at risk.

This borders on self-inflicted torture.

With dawning horror and an overwhelming need to be sick, Magnus reaches for Alec’s left hand still hidden in his lap. Alec flinches and ducks lower like he’s trying to fold up on himself and disappear entirely.

Magnus chokes back the bile as he sees blood coating his lover’s fingertips and thumb.

The image of Alec digging into the wound of his right hand is so vivid and horrific in Magnus’s mind that he has to look away for a moment. He shuts his eyes against the truth of the situation he’s found his Shadowhunter in.

When he looks back to Alexander, he sees the city lights reflect off the teardrops falling from the man’s down turned face onto his black clothes.

Magnus can’t disguise his own pain, woundedly saying, “Alexander-”

“It’s never enough, you know, I- I am never enough.”

Alec’s confession slips into the dark night and strikes Magnus in the gut stealing the oxygen from his lungs, rendering him speechless.

Because the thought of Alec thinking he is not enough is the most ludicrous idea Magnus has ever heard. Because to Magnus, Alexander is everything. Magnus would never even say Alec was enough for him. That would imply that he met the most minimal of Magnus’ standards. In truth, Alexander exceeded every quality, every standard Magnus had ever looked for in another soul. Hundreds of years and thousands of lovers but it's this man next to him who finally fits perfectly. Alec isn’t just enough for him, Magnus is fairly certain his heart had to expand to even attempt to contain his love for this man.

Alexander Gideon Lightwood would always be incredibly and exceedingly more than just “enough.”

Magnus is finally shaking off his shock and finding the wits to tell Alec exactly this when Alec croaks out, broken and small, “I- I didn’t save them. They all died- died because I wasn’t good enough, Magnus. I failed them all. Me. Magnus. There are children dead because of me .”

Magnus wants to press and ask what exactly happened tonight but his immediate concern is the short, quickened breaths Alec is now struggling to take. His lungs appear to exert themselves trying to take in even the smallest amount of air.

“Alexander, hey. Hey, look at me.” Magnus ducks to catch his eye and is forced to take Alec by the shoulders and make him turn to face him. Magnus places Alec’s blood soaked hand on his chest. He feels the wetness saturate the silk of his shirt, but he doesn’t care. He grabs Alec’s chin to make him look up. “Breathe with me. Match my breathing, darling.” Alec’s eyes are wild and bloodshot, begging for relief; but he does as told and holds Magnus stare. “Please, just breathe. Focus on me, focus on the movement of my chest. Try to match it okay, darling?”

Magnus steadies his own heart rate and evens out his own breathing, exaggerating his efforts in order for Alec to follow his rhythmic inhale and exhale

He quietly instructs, “In, 1,2,3,…Out, 1,2,3…”

Still struggling, Alec shakes his head and stutters through his labored breathing, “If I can't- can’t save and protect them then- then what’s the point? Why am I here?”

“Shhhhh. Breathe darling. Just breathe with me,” Magnus encourages.

“Maybe, maybe…” Alec manages a deep inhale of air before continuing, “maybe I just sh-shouldn’t be here. Maybe that- that would be better.”

It takes several beats before the desolate confession registers with Magnus’ brain. I’m not strong enough, it's his first thought. He is not strong enough to carry the knowledge that his Alexander thinks the world would be better off without him. It is too much. It’s too big a thing. And it threatens to crush Magnus beneath its oppressive weight.

And Alexander, his Alexander, has been bearing the burden of this for Edom knows how long.

He thinks of Alec laughing and smiling just this morning over breakfast and wanders if these thoughts were clamoring around in his head then. If he had only been pretending at happy and content while silently, and totally unbeknownst to Magnus, questioning the value of his existence.

Alec’s confession continues to hang between, an obstructive bubble of tense silence.

Magnus moves to hold Alec’s face in his hands. His fingers smear Alec’s own blood across his cheeks and jaw.

Magnus’ own despair dismantles his typically solid grasp on his glamor. His panic-stricken cat eyes rove hastily over the young face before him, studying it for a visible, tangible wound that he can heal and fix all of this. But it’s not that easy, no matter how much he wishes.

He takes in the pale skin smudged and stained with crimson. The greens and golds of his hazel eyes amplified through the glassiness of gathered tears. The usually pink lips, now pale and downturned. It’s haunting. Beautiful - because Alec can’t be anything other than beautiful to Magnus - but wholly heart shattering. He’ll live with it for as long as he lives. He will never forget the look of his Shadowhunter at his lowest, soul-crushing point. And it will haunt Magnus every day for the rest of his life, wondering what he could have done to prevent them from ending up here.

Magnus finally finds his words, “Listen to me, Alexander, you are more caring than any Shadowhunter I have come across in all my hundreds of years. You wake up every day willing to work yourself to utter exhaustion to protect this city of millions. But you can’t protect everyone, Alexander. They are not all your responsibility. And I know that goes against every thread woven into your character, but you are only one person. That burden does not belong solely on your shoulders. And I will happily condemn anyone who tries to convince you otherwise to the depths of my father’s realm.”

Magnus’ tears finally spill over and his voice becomes broken, bordering on pleading. “Alexander, no world exists that would be improved by your absence. Do you hear me? There are possibly millions of alternate universes beyond this one and I can guarantee you that each and every one is improved by the existence of Alexander Gideon Lightwood in it. So don’t you dare think that we would be better off without you. This world needs you, this city needs you, your family needs you. I need you . We need your compassion, your vision, determination, your smile and your unconditional love. So you can’t leave us, okay?”

Still shaking with the effects of his panic attack, Alec squeezes his eyes shut, his face collapsing in agony. Fresh tears begin to stream. They mix with the blood and cut a red-tinged trail down his face.

Magnus gathers Alexander against him, mindful of the damaged hand now cradled between them. He pulls his love into his lap and manages to maneuver them a little farther from the edge of the roof. Alec sobs broken and gasping against his chest. Magnus holds him tight, rocking them both slightly, his cheek resting on Alec’s head pillowed by his dark hair and comforted by the smell of their sandalwood shampoo. His own tears fall silently.

///////////////////////////////////////

[ NOW ]

Magnus storms through the Institute, radiating anxious don’t dare stop me vibes that has Shadowhunters ducking out of his path.

He turns quickly into the training room to find Clary and Jace sparing.

“Where is he?”

Jace pauses mid-punch to look at Magnus in uncertainty. “Who Alec?” At Magnus’ dangerous look Jace glances at Clary and back before saying, “I- I think he went on a run? Why? What’s the matter?”

“I need to find him.”

Magnus whirls out of the room, Jace still calling after him in confusion.

Magnus strides through the converted church searching. Alec’s bedroom, the roof and the ops center are devoid of Alec as well. Heading toward the entrance, Magnus is preparing himself to track Alexander when the front door opens.

Headphones in and staring down at his phone, Alec meanders through the door dressed in loose training pants, a sweat splotched shirt and running shoes. He looks up and sees Magnus standing there staring at him. A smile breaks across his face, his eyes alight as he exclaims, “Magnus! What are you doing here?”

Magnus continues to blink at him as Alec closes the distance and gives him a quick kiss. “Sorry, I’m all gross. I went for a run. I wish I had known you were coming, I would have stuck around.”

Magnus quickly inspects the man before him, even grabbing for his hands ensuring there are no injuries to his person.

Alec huffs in both amusement and exasperation, “What are you doing?”

“Are you okay?” Magnus can’t disguise his anxiousness.

“I’m fine. What brought this on, babe?”

“I was in your office. I came to surprise you but- but I found this in the fireplace and I got worried.” He pulls the burnt piece of paper from his pocket.

Alec looks down at it and frowns, “Oh. Um. I- I can explain that. But not here, if that’s okay? Let's go back to my office.”

Alec leads Magnus back through the Institute, his hand a comforting, guiding pressure on Magnus lower back.

After the office door clicks shut behind them, Magnus turns abruptly to face Alec. “Are you sure you're okay? You aren’t lying to me?”

Hesitating slightly, Alec nods, “I’m mostly okay. I promise. I had a…moment earlier.”

Magnus continues to give him a worried look.

Alec sighs, “That” he points to the paper still in Magnus’ grip, “is something - a, uh, technique - I read about to deal with you know…” He trails off fully aware that Magnus knows the mental health issues he’s referring to. “I read somewhere on the internet that when you’re having negative thoughts to write them down. Some people then write something positive for each or scratch the words out or physically destroy the paper. I, uh, struggled with the positive thoughts method.” Alec shuffles his feet, looking down and frowning a little. He then looks back up at Magnus and gives him a small side smile, “But mutilating those negatives thought has been surprisingly therapeutic.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I didn’t tell you I was doing it. It feels a little silly so I didn’t want to say anything until I’d tried it a few times.” Alec shrugs. Gesturing at his clothing, “I also read that some sort of exercise can be good. So I try to go for a run afterward as well. If I can fit it into my day, at least.”

Magnus smiles closed-lipped but warm and genuine, “I’m so proud of you, darling.”

Alec rubs at the back of his neck, blushing. “Thanks. I’m- I’m trying, Magnus.”

And Magnus knows that. These past few months Alec has been more vocal about the dark episodes he finds himself in; more forthcoming in expressing his feelings, his fears and his doubts. There are still days when he comes home to the loft with bruised and battered hands, but they are fewer and farther between. And he always allows Magnus to heal and comfort him in those low moments.

Magnus steps up to Alec and pulls him forward by the elbows to kiss him sweet and gentle. After a moment Alec pulls back smiling, fiddling with the newly placed ring on his finger. While it might not be entirely appropriate because of the anxiety it represents, the new habit makes Magnus smile just a bit. Shadows hide in the depths of Alec’s eyes still. But the happiness radiating from the array of brilliant colors diminishes their presence.

Magnus turns toward the fireplace and strides over to it. He drops the scrap of paper back into the ashes and flicks his wrist. Flames engulf it, promptly turning it to dust.

If Alexander doesn’t want to hang onto these words, then neither will Magnus. Because Alec is healing and trying his best to move forward into a less haunted existence. And Magnus doesn’t want to be left behind still clinging onto old burdens. He wants to be right there at Alexander’s side supporting him in his pursuit of a more positive life.

He turns back to Alec, “Hungry?”

Alec laughs, “Starving.”

Without breaking their gaze, Magnus twirls his right hand to open a portal and extends his left hand out to Alec, “Then come along, darling.”

Alec takes Magnus’ hand with a gentle squeeze and follows him through the portal.

[malec-ao3feed]

I'll Be Your Stone (And Stones Never Break)

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/9fJUdql by Saturns_Zer0 The pressure cast on him by his parents, siblings, and all of the Shadow World finally catches up to Alec, and he explodes. He always felt so different from everyone else. No one he knew got set off by a small touch, a wrong sound, a missing object, a change in routine. He was different, and as a Shadowhunter, that was the last thing you were allowed to be. He feared Magnus didn't actually like all of him, so he hides, but the warlock finds him and reassures him that he's perfect the way he is. Words: 7434, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English Fandoms: Shadowhunters (TV) Rating: Not Rated Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M Characters: Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane, Jace Wayland Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Additional Tags: not beta read we die like men, Alec Lightwood-centric, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Angst, Fluff, Autistic Alec Lightwood, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Stimming, Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Magnus Bane Is a Nice Thing, Supportive Magnus Bane, Parabatai Bond, American Sign Language, Probably a little OOC, whatever, I'm self-indulgent and don't care, Established Relationship, Gentle Kissing, autistic shutdown, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland (past), He only appears in flashbacks, Magnus is seriously the best read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/9fJUdql

[sprolden]

loved your post defending clary but what is your opinion on jace??? i feel like he's equally controversial

you know how sometimes rereading books a few years later changes your opinion on certain characters entirely bc instead of being some older hot brooding hero they're now just some kid in your eyes. that's me with jace right now

in fact you may have asked his at the perfect moment because i had a whole breakdown about this last night in the group chat last night i feel like this text sums it up quite well

he has 2 to 6 parents depending on how you look at it and for at least 17 years none of them ever loved him. he was fully prepared to go back to his cartoonishly evil kidapper dad who physically abused him bc at least there he felt wanted. he just wanted maryse to read him a bedtime story when he was 10 like she did for alec and isabelle. she never did. he just wants to be loved so so desperately. he can be genuinely hilarious and charming but now i'm looking back on it, it mostly reads like that too is just a way he taught himself to get the attention he wants so desperately. it's implied that he's been suicidal/has engaged in acts of self-harm since he arrived with the lightwoods when he was literally 10.

i think most people (me included!!) just remember him as a sarcastic rude asshole which to be fair is very much who he is HOWEVER every single time we get jace pov he reveals another 5 reasons why he's actually kind of valid in his assholery. this boy is playing DSM-5 bingo and babes his card is FULL and it's literally so upsetting to read. he's just a very sad kid and i'm literally on my way to nyc adoption papers in hand

[nandalikesstuff]

Divine Cruelty

Fandom: The Mortal Instruments, The Shadowhunter Chronicles

Ship: Malec (Magnus Bane x Alec Lightwood)

Summary: “You are very cruel, did you know that?”

There was a startled silence on the other end of the line and Magnus realised that no, Alec didn’t know.

A/N: One of my goals for 2024 is to clear out my wip folder so I started with this one that just needed some finishing touches. I started it back in 2016 after a TMI reread and it's based on the scene where Alec calls Magnus to help them rescue Jace from Valentine's boat with some insights from The Bane Chronicles. I had plans to make it a whole long thing, but looking at it now I think it's fine the way it is.

Sorry if I confused anything from the books, I haven't reread TMI in a couple of years. But I hope you all still like it!

If you prefer, also read it on AO3!

~~**~~

“You are very cruel, did you know that?”

There was a startled silence on the other end of the line and Magnus realised that no, Alec didn’t know. He didn’t have the slightest clue what he had been doing to him, what he was doing to him right now, had no idea how Magnus felt or how much every word that left his mouth made his heart ache. Magnus felt a bolt of rage flaming up inside him, because how dare Alexander Lightwood have all this power over him and be just so damn clueless about it? He had always known the other was blatantly honest and innocent, only now he realised it wasn’t innocence, he was just plainly ignorant of everyone and everything in the world that weren’t him and that damned walking nuisance of a parabatai of his, and-

And he had to stop there because even as he thought it, he knew it wasn’t true. Alec was acutely aware of everyone around him, always there to help them. He was blatantly honest and innocent, without any shield or armour between his soul and the world; it was what had caught Magnus’ attention at first, after all. And while it was true he seemed massively ignorant of his impact on Magnus, the warlock couldn’t hold it against him, because he didn’t have any ill-intent with it. It wasn’t Alec’s fault ignorance could be just as, if not more, harmful than malice.

He passed his hand through his hair and hung his head, defeated. He was done for, he couldn’t even bear to truly stay mad at the boy for more than a few seconds. The anger was gone and all it left behind was a gaping nothingness, a dull ache of resigned sorrow and futile love. Because this is what it was, wasn’t it? The touch of angels in its purest form. Magnus had to press his knuckles against his mouth not to let out a bitter laugh.

“Magnus, I…” The voice that sounded from the other end of the line was small and uncertain and Magnus promptly cut it off, he didn’t want to think about Alec hurting when his own feelings were the ones that had just been blindly shattered.

“Don’t. Forget it. I’ll send you an address, forward it to Clary and tell her and the others to meet me there.”

“So you are helping us?” The question was hopeful, excited even, as if Magnus agreeing to help was a welcome surprise, as if Alec really thought he had presented him with a choice. Magnus knew there had never truly been any.

“Yes, I am helping you”, he responded flatly, and if he had put a bit of extra emphasis on that last word, it was lost when Alec pulled the phone away to pass the good news to Isabelle. Magnus hung up before the other had a chance to come back and start thanking him for it.

He stared down at the now black screen of his phone for a moment, feeling drained and unable to think for a while. An unwelcome memory wormed his way into his mind, a fleeting thought he had had a few weeks ago when things were calm and sweet and good and he had been foolish enough to let hope take him over.

Maybe Alexander Lightwood would not break his heart.

Yeah, right.

But now wasn’t the time to wallow in his own self-pity and foolish heart. Now he had a job to do, and a terribly important one at that. Bigger than anything he had had to deal with in the past few years. He couldn’t afford to let himself be distracted now.

Straightening himself up, he thought about what he would have to do and quickly formed a plan and a list of the things he would need to execute it. He opened his phone again and quickly typed in an address and sent it to Isabelle’s phone - trusting they would do as he had requested and pass it on to Clary -, before walking to his supplies cabinet and starting to separate what he would need.

He wasn’t thrilled about having to go against Valentine Morgenstern yet again, but if he could in any way be thankful for the fact a psychopathic maniac was planning to destroy the city, he would. Because at least it gave him something to do, a purpose, it allowed him to slip into a different mindset and just forget about his own problems for a while.

Right now, the High Warlock of Brooklyn was needed.

Magnus Bane and all the cruel angels that owned him would just have to wait.

[fairyniceyeah]

What are your thoughts about 1,9,10 and 22 for the asks?? 😊

Hey there^^

Thanks for the ask, I finally got around to answer all the questions <3

1. What’s one fic you want to spotlight and why? Include the title, summary, warnings, and a link! 

Uuuuh, interesting! I think, hands down, it’s my Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story? series from ao3. It’s more or less the same fic just one part from Combeferre’s perspective and one part from Enjolras’ perspective. I spend so many hours on research and writing it and even cried while doing so. It took a lot of effort – both fics are over 55,000 words…

I gotta be honest, I am pretty sad that it never really reached many people – but I get that the Les Mis fandom is already pretty small and the story itself is very niche, so I am disappointed, yes, but I didn’t expect anything else either. I tell myself that at one point I will post the rest of the second story but I never really get around to it…

Part 1: The Sky’s the limit

Now Combeferre was left alone, left behind. It hurt. It’s not that he wasn’t used to feeling alone. His friends always seemed to have a connection with each other that he didn’t quite share. He had been there wherever they went but not quite. They had always moved like cog wheels, linked together and working so seamlessly together they seemed like one. Combeferre himself felt like a separate part of the machine, there but not there.

CW: depression, self-harm, s*icide attempts, hospitals, cancer, emeto, diarrhea in the context of illness, assisted s*icide, amnesia, death

Part 2: Stay Alive

“Combeferre needs somebody he can rely on. Normally I tell people that they have their whole life to freak out over somebody’s death, that they shouldn’t freak out where they can see. But with you – Enjolras you are hurting yourself and you are hurting Combeferre and the rest of your friends when you ignore how much you are hurting. This isn’t just about Combeferre anymore, it’s about all your insecurities and fears and your self-hate. This isn’t healthy and sustainable. How long can you go on until you fall and nobody will be able to catch you?” Enjolras is burning out - badly.

CW: depression, self-harm, s*icide attempts, hospitals, cancer, emeto, diarrhea in the context of illness, assisted s*icide, amnesia, death, migraines, panic attacks, sexuality crisis

If anybody is interested in reading I would probably die of happiness (and this is not a stupid manipulation tactic, I really just would like my work to be appreciated but I know I can’t make anybody do that!).

9. Which character do you genuinely think you would be really good friends with if they existed in real life? 

Disclaimer: I’m gonna interpret “character” as “idol” in this one. Obviously I know we never know everything about idols, especially as recent events have proven, but this is based on how they show themselves on screen.

Honestly, I think I’d get along pretty well with Hongjoong from ATEEZ? He is very socially aware which drew me to choosing him as my bias in the first place. He just seems like a genuinely kind and respectful person and somebody I would want to be friends with! Besides, we have similar hobbies with reforming clothes so we have that in common which would surely help speed friendship along.

Going back to fiction: I think I might really get along with Alec Lightwood from Shadowhunters? He seems to be such a cool person and I would love to go to pride with him and Magnus. And he could moan about being the oldest sibling and how annoying that is despite loving younger siblings XD

10. Is there a character that you love in fiction, but if they were real you might punch them?

Disclaimer: I’m gonna interpret “character” as “idol” in this one. Obviously I know we never know everything about idols, especially as recent events have proven, but this is based on how they show themselves on screen.

I’ve said so before to friends but I think I might have beef with Woosung from The Rose if we met. I don’t even know why, it’s just a feeling. Not that I don’t love him, I do! Just, I think we have a very different humor and approach to life that might clash? He has a very (what we call in social pedagogy) “laissez-faire” work ethic at times and I stress myself out about a lot of stuff, so we would probably get frustrated with each other. But punching would be a bit too far...

In fiction: I was a hardcore Supernatural fan years ago and I loved Dean Winchester. But hands down, he is a pretty awful dude – misogynistic at times, insensible and basically an alcoholic (no judgement here but the way he glorifies alcohol makes me uncomfortable). It’d probably find him insufferable and if he treated me how he treats some women on the show I would definitely punch him!

22. You can only write fic for one character for the rest of your life. Who is it and why?

Noooo, don’t do this to meeeeee! I couldn’t choose! As said before, I keep switching between fandoms and hyperfocusing on them, so I would love the character/idol until something else comes along that I can’t write for and then I would never write again…

My heart currently, obviously, says Woozi from SEVENTEEN but, hands down, if you had asked half a year ago I would have said Hongjoong from ATEEZ and even further back ... I think you get what I mean XD

Lots of love,

🧚🏻‍♀️

[x-ceirios-x]

family secrets

while sidelined on the search for jace and jensen, isabelle finds herself writing to tony rosenhart, a boy she'd connected with in Idris a few weeks prior. mid-letter-writing, she recieves some unexpexted advice from an unexpected friend.

cw: brief mention of past self-harm, short mention of scars, discussion of complicated Herondale and Lightwood family life

While Isabelle wasn’t exactly happy about being left out of a demon-raising event and was arguing the entire way out the door, she began to understand that she was needed back at the Institute. Not only was Alec trying to protect her, but she had a feeling her mother was holding on by a thread with two of her children missing. Her support system had vanished in a matter of days, starting with Aric, who she seemed particularly upset about. Maybe it was nice to have another adult who had lived a little, she thought. From what she knew, and what she could infer, Maryse and Aric had been spending a good deal of time together—as much as she loved her father, she wanted her mom to be happy. It wasn’t like her dad was around these days, anyway.

After returning from the Adamant Citadel, she returned to her bedroom and decided to change out of her gear into comfortable leggings and a t-shirt, things she wore around the house with little care. As she settled into her desk to brush her hair, she noticed a piece of paper on the corner with a pen on top. She smiled softly when she saw it: a letter from Tony. 

In their texting back and forth since they met in Idris, she mentioned how she enjoyed hand-written letters. The next message she received was a fire message; even still, she got the occasional mundane postage letter. She suspected there were some Downworlders at the nearest post office to drop mail on the doorstep of a supposedly abandoned church in Manhattan. Thankfully, no one but Rowan and Church had noticed. 

Since then, though, their communication had been near-constant. She kept a close watch on the clock, wondering what time it was for him. He would send a letter that explained what he’d made for dinner; she’d ask to try some one day and tell him she’d just gotten lunch. He gave her cooking tips as, apparently, he was very good at it and she would vent about the chaos surrounding her lately. 

She picked up the letter from him, her pen, and the notebook she’d begun to write her response in. His letter read:

Isabelle,

I was going to address this to you as a very common nickname to call someone you care very much about in my native language, however, I realized how silly it would probably look to a non-Dutch speaker. I think it would be better to refer to you as Isabelle for now. It’s a very pretty name. I forget if I’ve told you that before. 

I’m sorry to hear that things haven’t improved with the search for your brothers. If there is anything I or my parents could do to help, please don’t hesitate to ask. Brussels is a small Institute; it is only my family and two people my parents are fostering at the moment. They’re rather nice, even if the younger of the two doesn’t speak to me much. I know my parents don’t have much sway in the Clave, but truly, if there is anything, you know I’d do what I could to help. 

It was nice to see you in person again. Letters are one thing, but I think a face-to-face conversation is a wonderful thing, even if I’m not always in the mood for talking. Just ask Lian. He can talk my ear off any day, especially now that I started trying to learn Mandarin. 

By the way, my mother thought you were very charming. 

Yours,

Tony

Isabelle thought the way he wrote was not only eloquent but poetic. His handwriting, whether in the black ballpoint pen he’d used when they first met or in a glittering pink gel pen, was the same thin, scratchy penmanship that made her smile to see when she was relaxing in bed. He’d explained, one day after she teased him for it, that he didn’t mean to sound flirtatious in his speech, and that he’d back off if asked. She told him she didn’t mind it. 

She skimmed over the letter she’d started to write before she left that morning. Some nonsense about going to the Citadel, how she wasn’t sure how a road trip with Andy would go but she was willing to try it, and how she wished she could ignore the world for a little while and pretend all of her problems didn’t exist. Even earlier that week, when he’d come for the Council meeting, she felt like she could breathe a little easier knowing he was there. 

In part, she was waiting for him to make the first move. She spent a long time chasing after Simon who, she found out, was simultaneously dating Maia. The worst part was that neither relationship was serious, as she could see the way he trailed after Rowan like a lost puppy. He did it to Clary when they first met him and finally, his attention diverted to someone else. At first, she’d been jealous of his time with Clary and his obvious affinity for tall, dark, and nerdy, who was always in the library with a giant stack of books. Then, she was angry that he thought going behind her back and dating Maia at the same time was a good idea. Finally, she realized it wasn’t worth it and their relationship wasn’t going to be anything special any time soon. She was tired of having to chase after someone who didn’t prioritize her—which was part of why her relationship with Meliorn failed so miserably—and was prepared to play the long game if she had to. 

Actually, why were relationships so complicated? Everyone could see Tony liked her, even Andy had told her earlier, at the Citadel. Why wouldn’t he say something? Was he not interested and Andy was lying to her, maybe trying to get in her head? Between how she looked and the confidence that came with it, she was used to turning boys down, not clinging to their every word, waiting for the next letter, hoping he might say something that made her swoon again. But then, if he did say something about them, did she want a relationship? Her last several ended poorly, but worse, she thought the whole long-distance thing was exhausting. 

She couldn’t deny the smile that always graced her features when she saw a fire message coming at her, though, always in the hope that it was something from him. She uncapped her pen and began to write again. 

I wanted to get back to you earlier this morning, but we ended up at the Adamant Citadel and visited the Iron Sisters. It was gorgeous. Jocelyn pissed me off a little but Andy seems like she’s not all that bad, I won’t lie. After getting decked by Rowan, maybe she decided to stop being a bitch. 

The Iron Sisters can’t help Jace. I know I’ve said it but I’m worried about him. A lot. I can’t imagine how Alec feels right now because he’s his parabatai. That’s part of why I never wanted one—I never wanted someone to worry about like that. I do fine on my own. 

Alec sent me home to help mom deal with all the Clave people here. They’re summoning a demon at Magnus’s as we speak probably, and we’re going to see if it can help in all this. I’m not supposed to tell you that, though, so keep it to yourself. No telling Aline or Lian, please. 

“What is that?” 

Someone snatched the paper from under her hand and Isabelle made a frustrated noise, reaching for it. She whirled around, prepared to use her pen as a dagger if need be to get the letter back. Golden curls and an evil smile clued her into who was being so nosy. Andy. “God, could you give me some privacy, please?” Isabelle demanded. Her eyes narrowed at the letter in her hands. “Give that back. It’s not yours.”

Andy chuckled, read over the paper quickly, and handed it back. “You say such colorful things about me,” she said with that irritating, Cheshire Cat-like grin she hated. “I know you didn’t like me, Isabelle but I’m wounded.”

“No, you’re not,” Isabelle said, slamming her pen on the desk with the letter. She spun back to face her. “What do you want? Other than to be a nuisance, apparently.”

“I initially came to ask if you wanted to eat dinner with me, but if you’re too busy writing love letters to your boy-toy—”

“He is not—” Isabelle screeched in frustration. “Why do you do that?” she asked, rage rising in her voice. “Why do you insist on being horrible to everyone except for Clary, why is she so special?”

“I don’t like people caring about me.”

“Exactly! And you—!” The words finally sunk in as Isabelle realized that it wasn’t a snarky answer. Andy was being serious. She paused, surprised by the sudden honesty, and blinked a few times as her mind readjusted. “What?”

Andy sat on the corner of her bed a few feet away, her face stone-like. “I don’t like people caring about me,” she repeated, and to Isabelle, it sounded like it hurt her to say the second time. “My mother never did, or if she did, she certainly didn’t act like it. I never had other family, and anyone who did care ended up dead or missing. That’s why I act like that.”

Isabelle’s mouth fell open slightly. She didn’t know why Andy was explaining such things to her, but she certainly wasn’t in the mood for a pity party when she had other people to be concerned about. “Don’t expect sympathy for me. We’ve all got issues with our parents.”

She found that amusing, snickering behind her hand. “Oh, dear, I don’t expect it,” she said. “You asked, I answered your question. I just want you to understand…things are better when I keep people an arm’s length away.”

Isabelle turned her chair to face her, curious as to where she was going with this. “Why don’t you act like that with Clary, then? Is it just a Herondale thing to fall in love with spunky red-heads?”

She giggled—genuinely giggled—at the idea, and covered her mouth again. “No, no—oh, by the Angel, no. Nothing like that. Clary has a good heart and when I met her, she was stranded in an unfamiliar country without a friend besides Luke. I didn’t exactly trust him at the time, so I thought I’d keep an eye on her. Help her out where needed. I didn’t know I’d be meeting my brother I didn’t know existed when I got involved with you lot.”

While strange to admit, she was occasionally reminded of the fact that Andy and Jace were biological siblings. Half siblings, she supposed, but Isabelle knew she was more Jace’s sister than Andy was. They were raised together from the time they were ten years old, trained together, fought together—everything a young set of child Shadowhunters should do. She’d always considered Jace her brother, not anyone else’s, but they were family by blood. Before he disappeared, he and Andy were spending a little time together in an attempt to see if it was worth getting to know each other. Between Andy sneaking out and the two only spending time together once in a while, she assumed she had one foot out the door already. This, her answer to the question, was a more genuine side of her she didn’t know existed. 

“I came to apologize too, you know,” she said with a sigh, anxiously rubbing her arms. Isabelle didn’t think she could be anxious. As confident as she could be, Andy had her effortlessly beat. She was a drop-dead gorgeous bombshell with great hair, among other things, which probably helped. Maybe this was her new ‘thing’ to learn for the day: Andromeda Herondale wasn’t bulletproof. “I didn’t mean to yell at you while we were at the Citadel. I’m sorry about your family, and your dad—”

Isabelle sat up straighter, her shoulders tight at the mention of her father. She hadn’t meant to tell Andy or Jocelyn about her dad cheating, but she had, and had broken any trust her mother had in her. Now, she didn’t want to speak about it again. “I really don’t want to hear about it—”

“Let me finish,” she said, a calm sort of assurance in her voice that made her listen. Unlike usual, she didn’t have the snotty, I know better than you tone that she hated, but instead, was trying to hold a conversation. She sounded…sisterly. Maybe that’s what Clary saw in her, though Isabelle chose to believe Clary saw the best in people despite how much it could hurt her. “I know what it’s like to be angry at family—fathers, especially—for something they did because it hurt you. It hurt you, it hurt your mother, and it’s a harsh burden to bear. Don’t let it eat at you.”

She raised her eyebrow, relaxing back against her chair, her arm over the back of it casually. “I don’t,” she said plainly, her eyes narrowing. “Forgive me for not accepting the advice, but I’m perfectly fine.”

“Are you?”

The question took her aback. She had never been second-guessed, not by someone who knew such little about her. Her questioning gaze told her she already knew the answer but it wasn’t in Isabelle’s nature to give up so easily. Her face tightened and jaw set. “I am, actually.”

“Stubborn, just like your brother,” she grumbled and suddenly stood. She wasn’t sure which brother she meant; all of them had a stubborn streak, especially Rowan if they wanted to be thrown in the mix. Andy pulled the side of her shirt up, showing her part of her torso and ribs. There was a large scar there; pale and discolored skin was a stark contrast to her typical tanned complexion. In the center of it was a star-shape with clear lines, like someone had drawn on her with a whitish marker. Isabelle gasped quietly, not used to seeing such scars on a Shadowhunter. Runes usually took care of the healing process and wounds didn’t last long enough to scar severely. Marks left thin, white lines all over each of them, but that was the remainder of any injuries. As if reading her mind, she said, “I was too young for runes, when I did this.”

Isabelle’s eyes widened and her breath shuddered as she spoke. When I did this. She spoke so casually about it, but Isabelle would have been worried sick of someone in her family did something like that. “You did—”

“I’ll spare you the sob story,” she said dismissively and dropped her shirt, tucking it back into her pants. “That is what happens when you let the anger eat you from the inside out. You make stupid choices that have consequences.”

She snapped her mouth closed, realizing it was hanging open, and nodded slowly. 

Andy continued. She walked towards her and carefully took her hands. “I mean it, Isabelle. Get that anger out somehow. That is part of why I watch out for Clary. Because when she showed up at my mother’s house with Luke, he told us what was going on, and I wanted her to stay safe and…” she trailed off, then got a sad sort of smile on her face. “Well, as happy as she can be. I want the same for you.”

Isabelle thought for a moment. She wasn’t entirely sure how to respond to everything; it was a lot of information to take in. Part of her wanted to ask what happened that she’d gone as far as injuring herself but she also understood that it was impolite to ask anyone about their scars, no matter the injury that may have caused it. This was also a new sort of vulnerability from her she wasn’t used to seeing, and despite her usual catty comments, she seemed genuine in her words and advice. She stood, pulled her hand away from Andy, and held her pinky out—something she’d picked up from Simon. A pinky promise. “If you don’t tell anyone about the thing with my dad, I promise to, uh…figure things out. Not bottle up family secrets and all that,” she said, a small smile gracing her features. 

Andy stared at her for a moment, confused. “What is that?”

“A pinky promise. It’s some mundane thing, but it’s supposed to be…” she paused for a moment, deciding how to explain it. She didn’t really get it, either. “Well, it makes a very important promise. You can’t break it.”

“The most sacred of mundane traditions,” she said sarcastically and extended her finger in the same way. Isabelle wrapped her pinky around hers, shook hands, and pulled away. “That’s it?” she asked. 

“That’s it. It’s something small, I think it’s a kids' thing.”

She chuckled and dropped her hands. “Got it,” she said, and Isabelle thought she looked rather pretty when she smiled. She noticed that Andy always looked like she was smiling, but it was a bored sort of smile meant to keep others entertained. Her face was tight and it never extended to her eyes. Just then, she wasn’t hiding her face when she was happy. She was glad to have contributed to it. 

Andy stepped away and glanced over her shoulder. “Well, I hate to interrupt your love-letter-writing session,” she said. “I’ll leave you to it. Dinner’s downstairs when you’re hungry.”

“Thanks,” she said. “And…thank you.”

She turned back to her as she headed for the door and winked. She was back to her normal antics, at least, and Isabelle rolled her eyes. She left and closed the door behind her with a soft click. 

She turned back to the letter she’d been writing and sighed. Looking at the time, she realized it was already late enough that Tony would be asleep. The six hour difference was a pain sometimes, but she didn’t feel bad about not responding earlier. He would read it in the morning, anyway. 

Thanks for checking in so much lately. Someone to talk to that’s not as…heavily involved with all this is a great thing. I’m not going to jinx anything, but I might have just made a friend who can help with that, too. I wouldn’t hold my breath, though. 

Have a lovely morning if I don’t talk to you sooner. 

~ Isabelle 

She pulled her stele from her desk drawer and drew a fire rune in the corner. The edges of the paper caught on fire, smoldering slightly, and it rushed from the room and off to Tony, halfway across the world. Her attention turned to her reflection in the mirror—her dark eyes, and paling skin with the lack of sun in the sky as the winter months came closer. She’d always been perfectly fine with how she looked, despite occasional bouts of teenage insecurity. She realized that she didn’t need the regular attention from Tony, but it was a fun little game she was willing to entertain. She liked him enough to see where things would go and he seemed a little more committed than the boys she usually flirted with. 

She ran a brush through her hair a few times, getting it to sit where she wanted it to, and grabbed her sweater on her way out the door. She slid it on as she walked down to the kitchen, only to see Andy sitting at the table, eating the stir fry someone had made. 

“Mind if I join you?” she asked in the doorway, pulling her out of the magazine she was flipping through. 

Andy looked up and smiled at her. “I hoped you would, actually. I’ve got a question for you.” Isabelle found a plate, served herself some food, and sat down next to her. Andy put the magazine on the other side of her and leaned towards her, placing her hand over her free one. “Tell me about this boy you're so infatuated with.”

Isabelle laughed and took a bite of her dinner. “Oh, God. Why do you want to know?”

“I’ve met the kid a few times but we run in different circles,” she explained. “But he seems nice. And his face looks like he was sculpted by a Greek god or Michelangelo or something.”

She almost choked on her food, too busy laughing to focus on eating. She settled finally and looked at her with wide eyes. “You can’t just say that!”

“But I’m right, aren’t I? He’s got cheekbones like a statue, I swear.”

Isabelle blushed, her eyes drifting down to her lap. “Yeah, he’s kinda cute…”

She laughed and nodded. “I don’t get to talk about boys very often,” she said, gesturing with her fork. “Tell me everything.”

And she did. It was very rare that Isabelle got to talk about boys with anyone, as Rowan was entirely uninterested and Jace and Alec didn’t care. Even before they met Clary and Simon, no one asked about her boyfriends or if there was anyone she liked. That was, except, for her mother, who usually judged her taste in men. So she told Andy everything about their conversations, how they met, and when she’d accidentally met his parents. And for the first time in her life, Isabelle allowed herself to feel like a normal teenager, not one that was out saving the world or holding her family together.  

[moonlight-breeze-44]

Dear Gifter...

Hello, friends! As the year draws to a close, it's that time again for me to enlist in a whole host of Secret Santas to bring everyone some December cheer and hopefully put a lot of smiles on a lot of faces :)

A few of the gift exchanges I've participated in for years are changing their formats for signups this year, so I'm adjusting with them! I decided that, in order to make it easier for my various gifters to know what I like, I'd create this 'Dear Gifter' post to link to them!

So, if you have me for a Secret Santa exchange this year, this next part's for you <3

I've listed some general likes/dislikes, as well as fandom-specific likes/dislikes for the major fandoms I participate in gift exchanges for! If you'd like a list of specific likes for a fandom not mentioned below, just shoot me an ask on anon and I'll post one :)

General Likes:

Angst, hurt/comfort, mental health issues, self-harm, abuse, trauma, nightmares, autistic characters, asexual characters, poly relationships, QPRS, crackfics, college AUs, high school AUs, soulmate AUs, coming out fics, getting together/first kiss, non-sexual BDSM, BDSM AUs, Christmas fics, rarepairs, unrequited love, paranormal AUs

General Dislikes:

Alcohol (**TRIGGER**), smut/NSFW, sickfics, bugs, vomit, extremely detailed gore, physical whump/torture, mafia AUs, royalty AUs

For Shadowhunters:

Likes: Alec Lightwood centric, Autistic Alec, Asexual Alec, any fics that deal with Alec's self-harm, pre-canon fics, Lightwood sibling feels, parabatai feels, worldbuilding (ESPECIALLY in regards to the Fae Realm), HOTI Alec, trans Magnus, Malec, Jalec, Malace, Jimon, Lysabelle, immortal Malec, different first meeting, sub Alec, Dom Magnus, switch Jace, sub Jace, Dom Simon

Dislikes: S3 plotline NOT including the wedding, Inquisitor Alec, good parents Maryse and Robert Lightwood, bad parabatai Jace Lightwood, Clizzy, Luke/Maryse, Dom Alec, reverse AUs

For Leverage:

Likes: Eliot Spencer centric, pre-canon fics, Eliot/Damien Moreau, any fics that explore a fucked up/abusive relationship between Eliot and Damien Moreau, Autistic Eliot, Autistic Parker, ADHD Hardison, trans Eliot, asexual Parker, the OT3, Eliot/Quinn, Nate & Eliot as father/son or master/slave, cooking, botany/gardening, character study, post-canon fics, Leverage team as family, Dom Parker, sub Eliot, switch Hardison

Dislikes: Romantic Eliot/Nate, total AUs (i.e., not within the Leverage universe, such as college AUs), MCD, angst with no happy ending, Dom Eliot, sub Parker, unrequited love

For Detroit: Become Human:

Likes: Reed900, Gavin Reed centric, RK900 centric, Markus centric, reverse AUs, Hank & Connor as father/son, Jericho polycule, Simarkus, romantic Hankcon, Detroit: Evolution/Detroit Reawakening universe, slice of life, case fics, any fics set during the Android Revolution, asexual Nines, agender/non-binary Nines, non-binary Gavin, trans Gavin, Gavin Reed backstory/character study, aromantic Kara, detective/cop AUs, sub Gavin, Dom Nines

Dislikes: Fics that portray Gavin Reed in a bad light, POV Connor, POV Kara, total AUs (i.e. not within the realm of the DBH universe) EXCEPT detective AUs, Dom Gavin, sub Nines

For Criminal Minds:

Likes: Emily Prentiss centric, Jemily, Morcia, Morreid, BAU as family, case fics, Reid's drug use, Emily Prentiss with a self-harm habit, cottagecore/farm life/small town AUs, Autistic Hotch, Autistic Reid, ADHD Emily Prentiss, AuDHD Penelope Garcia, asexual Reid, JJ backstory/character study, infidelity (specifically JJ cheating on Will), pre-canon fics, Momily, kid fics, seasons 3-7

Dislikes: Breakups (except JJ/Will), MCD (angst with no happy ending is totally fine as long as there's no MCD!), events past Season 13

Thank you for reading! Remember, if the information you're looking for isn't here, please don't hesitate to shoot me an ask and I'll be happy to add it :) I hope everyone has a great winter and happy holidays if you celebrate! <3

[thelightofthebane]

through the good and bad and all in between

Summary: Magnus was born a warlock. Magnus became a mundane for love and by self-sacrificing tendencies. Magnus turned into a vampire after an act of spite and revenge.

A story about survival, new identities, love through adversities, and accepting changes.

Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire, Vampire Magnus Bane, Turned without consent, Major Character Undeath, Immortal to Mortal to Immortal, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, Soft Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Cat & Alec friendship, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending

Rating: E

Chapters: 10

Words: Around 23k~

This fic was created for the Shadowhunters Mini Bang 2023: Presented by the @malecdiscordserver

You can read it on AO3 or the ninth chapter below ~

Chapter 9 - Would you guide me through all of this again?

“More to the right. No, wait, left. More to the left.”

Slowly, Magnus’ new apartment was being put together. Despite some initial nervousness, he was now very excited, his old self slowly returning and showing all his flair for decor.

Once he decided to move back to New York, it didn’t take too long to plan everything - it also helped to have a very thorough boyfriend who was unable to leave a single dot out of place.

First, there were the vampires. Magnus had to be officially appointed as the leader of the New York clan if he expected to make any real changes. For that, a meeting was scheduled and all vampires presented had to vote. Even Simon and Raphael attended it - nevermind that Raphael was a mundane and technically shouldn’t even been in a vampire den.

However, Raphael was still very much respected by his old peers, and he didn’t need enhanced abilities to make some cower in fear - the boy still had a killer glare. Simon also proclaimed himself as ‘Raphael’s personal bodyguard’, which also gained a hiss and cold glare from Raphael, but Simon seemed to be having too much fun to be discouraged by it.

And there was Lily Chen, who had been the clan’s interim leader since the mess caused by Heidi. Lily had too much respect and adoration for Raphael, and she vowed to rip off the head of any vampire who dared to harm him.

Magnus already adored that woman.

As Raphael had predicted, Magnus easily won the voting. Most of them has been helped once by Magnus or had someone closer who had been. Even the ones who were still fledglings have heard many stories of Magnus Bane, and were in awe with him. It also helped that some of them felt proud to be lead by the former High Warlock of Brooklyn, and wanted to boast it to other minor clans in the city.

Which led to the old political game that Magnus was very much acquainted. He talked to all clan leaders who were willing to listen to him, and even errant ones who preferred to isolate themselves - but Magnus needed to make sure if they really didn’t need any help of some kind.

Then, there was other Downworld leaders - since Magnus became the new Vampire representative for both the exclusive Downworlder Council and the New York Institute’s Downworld Cabinet.

Lorenzo wasn’t much amused, which only delighted Magnus more. Especially during the meetings, when Lorenzo would make a mistake and Magnus corrected him with a very sassy “Actually…” while mentioning some magical theory or talking about a warlock of New York that Lorenzo didn’t know about, but Magnus did in very thorough details.

Magnus might’ve lost his powers and even his identity as a warlock, but he was still full of a knowledge that Lorenzo could only dream to have.

It was also easy to formally introduce himself as a new clan leader for the local Institute's head. Some would say said Head was very much biased.

(Alec Lightwood would never agree nor deny such statement.)

Finally, there was Magnus’ new residence. Taking upon the suggestion Raphael had made, Magnus moved to Hotel DuMort’s penthouse. It was an abandoned place full of dust and cobwebs and a black blob of ichor that looked like some lost demon - it was innofensive though, and Magnus would have adopted it if Chairman Meow didn’t try to lick it.

The wooden boards covering all windows and the living room’s balcony could be removed too since sunlight wasn’t a problem to Magnus anymore. He didn’t try to keep being a Daylighter a secret, and a plausible explanation was necessary. Fortunately, there were no registers of a warlock becoming a vampire, so there were no precedences for his case and it was easy to convince everyone that it was probably just a mix of residual magic and his heritage as the son of a Fallen Angel.

And no, it couldn’t be replicated.

All in all, everything else seemed settled, and Magnus was ready to begin this new phase of his life.

“For fuck’s sake, Magnus! Make up your mind already!” Jace groaned, but shut up upon seeing Alec glaring at him.

It also helped having a group of Shadowhunters with runes to carry boxes and clean the entire place.

“Fine, fine. It’s good there. You can put it on the floor.” Magnus pouted, but he was still very pleased with himself.

While Alec and Jace were busy moving the furnitures, Clary was painting the walls and Isabelle was putting the ornaments, books and utensils in place.

For now, Magnus was only giving orders and being pretty.

He deserved that.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and everyone stopped what they were doing.

“It must be Simon. He told me he was coming,” Izzy snickered, already going to the front door to open it.

“Who invited the vampire?” Alec huffed.

“Hey!” Simon gasped, poking out his head from behind a pile of boxes and bags.

“Alexander, I’m one too now,” Magnus tutted, but there was humor sparkling in his eyes.

“I brought food, okay? Pizza for the Shadowhunters, and Taki’s Vampire dishes for me and Magnus. Maia even sent a bottle of that cocktail you loved from the last time, Magnus.”

“The one with vodka, O-, a double shot of AB+ and two drops of plasma?” Magnus perked up, grinning broadly.

“Yep. She is always saying how you are her best customer and she doesn’t mind making exceptions for you.”

“I will thank her later.”

They all settled on Magnus’ beautiful mahogany table to eat, all the while chatting about different topics and even gossiping.

“Hey, Magnus,” said Clary after finishing her second slice of pepperoni pizza. “How did you get your things back? I thought they were still in your loft with Lorenzo.”

“Ah,” Magnus smiled in amusement. “I heard that Alec and Cat had a private talk with Lorenzo. I wish I could have seen it. He agreed to send all that belonged to me.”

Clary grinned. “I bet it was a hell of a talk.”

Alec just shrugged, not giving a hint. Jace said he swore parabatai secrecy and Izzy, despite being clearly smug about it, chose to side with her brothers and keep quiet about it.

Magnus knew Cat would be even harder to crack, so he had already accepted that he would never know.

“But the asshole didn’t let us take anything from Magnus’ apothecary. He said that as the High Warlock, he had the duty to keep in his care any magical item that could pose as a threat for mundanes.” Alec rolled his eyes.

“Catarina has already sent a letter to the Spiral Labyrinth’s Council in the hopes to at least grant me the chance to choose whom to give all my work to. But we’re sure that Lorenzo will use the argument that it wasn’t my work but of the High Warlock of Brooklyn.”

“Isn’t this stealing?” Simon frowned.

“Lorenzo thinks it’s his right.” 

Soon it became a full discussion between outraged Shadowhunters and one young Vampire who knew nothing about Warlock laws, but were ready to defend and help Magnus. At some point, it become a tactical plan of finding a loophole in the Accords so they could secretly curse Lorenzo to be bald for the next centuries.

Silly, silly children. All of them.

Magnus could only listen to them and shake his head in fondness, his heart full.

Later, when the penthouse was quieter, Magnus went to the balcony to watch the sunset, the Manhattan skyline painted in beautiful shades of purple and pink and orange.

He easily heard the steps coming from the master bedroom, already used to the accuracy of Vampire hearing, and soon felt two strong arms hugging him from behind.

They stayed like that for a while, just watching as night slowly greeted them, when Alec ultimately spoke.

“Do you miss Brooklyn?”

Magnus thought for a moment, but the answer was already on the tip of his tongue.

“No.”

There, resting on Alec’s arms, their bodies pressed together, feeling his Shadowhunter’s lips ghosting over his skin, Magnus let go for once.

“I’m already home.”

~*~

No no no no.

It hurt. It hurt too much.

Stop.

Please, stop.

“...gnus.”

Don’t, please.

Don’t do this.

I’m begging you.

No.

“...Magnus…”

I’ll be good. I promise, I promise.

No.

Not my neck.

Stop.

Don’t touch me.

Don’t.

No.

Please.

Please.

Please.

“Magnus!”

“DON’T!”

Magnus opened his eyes and sat abruptly, throwing a blanket away. He was shaking like a leaf, and if he still had a beating heart, it would certainly be thumping like crazy inside his chest.

A nightmare.

Again.

Magnus was no stranger to bad dreams, but they got worse since his death. It wasn’t only about his mother or stepfather anymore. It was Asmodeus. Edom. Camille.

Getting killed again and again and again.

It was waking up under the ground and desperately searching for a way out.

It was Camille’s voice and touch and her hands killing him.

“Magnus…” Alec called softly. When Magnus turned his head towards him, he saw his fiancé’s hands hovering in the air, earning to touch but waiting for Magnus’ consent.

Alec’s eyes were soft, understanding.

Magnus wasn’t the only one battling nightmares.

Alec, too, had his bad nights. He would dream of being there when Magnus was killed, but unable to do anything to save him. Or being back in that hole, falling, burning, dying. All the while, Camille’s taunting voice laughing in a mocking symphony, reminding him that he lost and Magnus was gone.

They were such a pair.

“Same one?”

Magnus nodded, still shaken.

But now, when one or both of them woke up in terror, they knew how to act and help. It took some time, but they’d learned in the worst way that bottling things up would only make any open wound fester, pushing the other away. Thus, they started to compromise. 

Sometimes they talked. Sometimes they kept in silence, being a quiet supporter to the other.

Sometimes they would go to the kitchen to make a warm tea for Alec and warm blood-infusion tea for Magnus. Sometimes they simply stayed in bed and cuddled until a new day started.

This time, though, Magnus felt doing neither. He had too much restless energy to stay still, to stay inside. It was like all the walls were closing him, keeping him trapped.

Buried.

He shivered. 

“I… I think I’m going for a run.” Magnus barely finished, and he was already out of bed, going to his closet to change clothes.

“Can I go with you?”

“I don’t want to go slow, Alec. I really need to run, and you won’t be able to keep up with me. Vampire speed, you know.”

“Are you sure about that?” Alec arched an eyebrow. He picked up his stele from the beside table and twirled it between his fingers. “I do have a speed rune.”

This time, it was Magnus who arched an eyebrow.

“Are you sure?”

“You’re on, Mr. Bane.” Alec challenged before getting up from the bed and activating the rune on his left inner forearm.

And despite all the exhaustion, all the lingering fear and all the pain…

Magnus genuinely smiled.

~*~

Alec sighed as soon as he left the portal and stepped into Alicante. He hasn’t been in the City of Glass since Jonathan almost destroyed it. After months, everything seemed in order now, and the Nephilim lived as if nothing major really happened.

So, when Alec got an official fire message from the Consul’s office, requesting his presence that same day for an important meeting, he started to wonder if another world-ending disaster was about to happen.

At least he hoped there wasn’t a new Valentine on the loose somewhere.

But the last thing he expected to hear from Jia Penhallow was an offer to be Inquisitor.

Only years of perfectly masking his reactions that prevented Alec to imitate a fish out of water. 

Saying he was surprised was an understatement.

“Since Imogen was killed, we’ve been keeping a rotation for the Inquisitor position, but none has been worth of it. A lot of more experienced Shadowhunters died during Jonathan Morgenstern’s attack, and most of the younger ones are either too eager and prone to mistakes or haven’t figured out yet how the political scene works. I don’t need amateurs beside me, Mr. Lightwood.”

“But why me? Forgive me my bluntness, Consul, but we both know that I wasn’t exactly in your good radar until recently.”

“That might be as well, but I don’t need to like you to acknowledge how competent you are as leader. Despite the New York Institute seeming to be a magnet for trouble, you’ve been doing a better job than other Heads that have twice your experience in the field. You even managed to make the local Downworlder community work with you.”

“It’s still a work in progress.”

“And yet,” Jia pointed out before crossing her arms over her chest. “We need an Inquisitor with an open mind, Mr. Lightwood. Who will be fair when analyzing a case and who won’t punish innocents. Who will uphold the Accords while keeping the Angels’ mandate. We’re even considering open the borders to allow Downworlders’ entrance - with some rules, of course.”

Alec frowned.

That… That was huge. Allowing Downworlders in Alicante, that weren’t prisoners, was an incredible step forward. Magnus would be able to visit, maybe even live here, too.

And being Inquisitor… His parents would be so proud. Becoming a Head was always in the plans for Alec since he was a child, but getting to the second highest position of the Clave before he was even 30?

But.

“So, what do you say? When can you start?”

He didn’t want.

Yes, he could help bring so many improvements as the Inquisitor. He could even review old cases to check if a Downworld was being kept locked in the Gard unfairly.

Then again…

There was still a lot of things he had to do in New York. The Downworld Cabinet was still taking baby steps - and Alec had plans to expand it for more factions, like the Unseelie and the Selkie -, the Shadow Market was finally opening to Shadowhunters, and they were receiving more Shadowhunters in their traveling year than ever.

And there was Magnus.

That night, his fiancé woke up screaming and writhing on the bed again. Magnus had already endured so many changes in a short period of time. Bringing him to Alicante would be another big change, too soon after the last one. And while Alec knew the vampire would gladly accept for his sake and follow him, he also knew Magnus wouldn’t feel comfortable there.

Not in a place full of people who once despised and hurt him.

And even if they couldn’t physically harm Magnus without breaking the law, words could cut deeper than any weapon.

Alec wouldn’t take the risk.

He wouldn’t let Magnus get hurt again if he could prevent that.

“I’m very grateful for your offer, Consul. But I’ll politely decline it.”

Silence.

Jia scrutinized him as if Alec had lost his mind.

Maybe he had.

But his heart was in the right place to be found.

“You’re something else, Mr. Lightwood. It’s rare for a Shadowhunter to decline a position in the Clave. A great one at that. Even rarer so to do it twice. Some people would do anything to merely be nominated as Inquisitor.”

“And I’m very honored, Consul. But my heart is in New York. I’m certain I can do better there. I’m sure there are many people who would also do a marvelous job as Inquisitor, too. If you allow me, can I make a suggestion?”

Jia sighed, clearly upset, but nodded. “Go on.” 

“She is also from an old family. She is very competent, and I’m sure she will be fair in her judgement. She will know how to deal with the Downworld and create alliances with them.”

This time, it was Jia’s turn to frown.

“Who?”

Alec smirked.

“Lydia Branwell.”

[crescentcityhellmouth-rpg]

arc-one • p r e s e n t

elena is back to her old human self again thanks to the cure. though her relationship with damon ended up lost due to the mind sweep. the memories never came back. she only remembers all of the awful things the eldest salvatore brother has done to her and her loved ones. this gives her a kind of burning hatred for him. currently she is trying to get through college in one piece and stay out of supernatural drama. being a doppelganger surrounded by vampires.. this isn’t going to exactly be easy.

divergent • c o n n e c t i o n s

camille 'cami' o'connell (x)

elena has been seeing a therapist to help restore her memories taken from her and cope with all the trauma she's dealt with all these years. It only might just be awkward to find out this bartender/therapist has a client who has caused elena so much pain in the past.

scott mccall (x)

While attending her college courses she meets a nice, and rather cute boy. Though she doesn't plan on getting any closer to anyone due to the supernatural craziness of her whirlwind life, she may just soon find out they have more in common than she realized. It could put the true alpha in harms way.

jace herondale (x) alec lightwood (x) and isabelle lightwood (x)

when doppelganger blood becomes known to the shadowhunters in New Orleans, they may just find out that its special properties could come in handy for their ultimate goal in severing sire lines and bringing down the original family once and for all.

PLOT • A V A I L A B L E • APPLICATION

[buffyspeak]

there’s a notable (but very understated) miscommunication between alec and clary in 2.05. which is that when he comes to her room to apologize, and she tries to get him to stop - he thinks she doesn’t want to hear it because she blames him. but she told jace not long before that she was tired of people pitying her, speaking in quiet voices and telling her it was okay to grieve.

which is why when he continues she actually hears him out, because that’s NOT what he’s doing, he’s not speaking around the edges of it, he’s facing it head-on. just. “i’m sorry, i would do anything to change it.”

and so would she! so a common goal aligns them!

which is exactly what she’s looking for and why she tells him about her plan to go see iris. which is a plan that is. understandable but a little bit manipulative on her part. in a way that ironically reminds me of what magnus said about jocelyn. because she understands alec’s guilt here and doesn’t (*entirely, i think) agree with it - but also doesn’t say anything to dissuade it because it’s to her benefit.

and i get that she has a lot going on! this is not a clary slander post. i just honestly think it’s a really interesting moment that shifts their dynamic a Lot.

and this miscommunication is why in the very next episode, clary will say she doesn’t blame alec and he needs to stop blaming himself (and it’s notable she says that to izzy and not alec himself), but alec still (likely quite subconsciously) believes she blames him in 2.08 and that’s what drives him to suicide when under iris’s spell.

and it’s why the culmination of this arc isn’t someone confronting alec about his self-harm (which never does get quite properly addressed imho, but at the same time, i understand that that’s hard to do naturally im a genre-show and would probably come off very PSA), but clary and alec having a quiet moment where she tells him she doesn’t blame him, he touches her arm, and they come to a very simple understanding. they’ve been operating under two very different understandings - clary under the assumption that they both know she doesn’t blame him but if he feels guilty anyway, then hey! why not help her try to get her mom back - and alec under the assumption that of course she blames him and trying to help her in 2.05 was all he could do to even start to make up for it. that quiet moment in 2.08 is clary realizing - after seeing alec on the ledge and knowing what he was hallucinating in broad strokes - that her assumption was wrong and realizing that alec needs to hear her actually say it to correct his own assumption. and they come to a new understanding.

(* this is already so long but. (and this is reading into a things a lot) it’s my personal interpretation that while not wholly, some part of clary does blame alec a little. not enough that she would ever say that or that she thinks he SHOULD feel as badly as he does. but she saw the video of ‘alec’ killing her mom. she knows alec and her have had their own issues in the past. she likely knows alec didn’t like jocelyn. it would not be hard (or even totally unsympathetic tbh) to have some amount of resentment toward him for it. so to me, 2.08 isn’t just “oh i never blamed you alec.” it is in that moment choosing to move past any potential blame or resentment she feels towards him that she’s left unsaid, because seeing what he almost did, she realizes not only that he needs to hear it, but that she would rather let go of that feeling than potentially lose another member of her family. because alec IS like family to her, albeit in very different ways than jace or izzy.)

[onetimetwotimesthreetimess]

Okay wow, what a chapter! The timelines really worked in tandem so beautifully. A few things:

Alec’s selfless nature

This one has me on a twist cause I get how loving he is and wants the best for everyone. At the same time he can’t just take peoples chance of happiness away cause he’s scared to be the reason for their pain. I love how much he gives of himself for others but I had to see how he hurts himself too. I hope he can realise he doesn’t have to do that anymore. He doesn’t have to sabotage himself and others to feel safe. I realised how much he is still healing too. Magnus’ mental health condition is so obvious that I think sometimes we don’t recognise how much Alec suffers as well. This chapter shows that so well and I was very happy for it. (Please Alec, you’re not the problem. Life is just complicated sometimes. Don’t give up babes)

Malec reunion

Omg our babies finally back in each others arms!!! I’m so glad they got to speak about what happened in the break up and gain some closure. I’m not even mad they slept together at the end because they both needed to admit that what they have isn’t temporary (and never will be). I just hope they can sort themselves out individually so they can find a new stability together. Even if it’s slow and taking time to build themselves back up again. Also low key Chairman and Arrow deserve to be together too

Other things

- Ezra being there to help Alec be better for himself

- Magnus being a Alec Stan by unknowingly wearing his green sweater

- Magnus realising he’s not perfect but he’s come so far with his addiction

- The Lightwood gang supporting Magnus even though Malec aren’t together

- the potential airport kiss we never had but I am slyly advocating for

Thank you for an amazing chapter. I love angst but this one made me both sad and very happy for the honesty of Malec’s imperfections. So excited so see how this all ends!

Much love,

M x

I agree. While Magnus’s mental health issues have been very prominent since the beginning, Alec’s self harm issues were more subtle. I wanted to explore that aspect slowly and very carefully. The same way, Alec’s progress is slower and more invisible. But they are both working on it. I hope I was able to do justice to that.

Malec knows what they have is for forever, it’s just taking them sone time to get there.

Also, Alec-Ezra brotp supremacy. You will see more of him in chapter 14.

Also, I will give you a gorgeous reunion scene very soon.

[malec-ao3feed]

Our Song

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/1C7nrNq by Sandylee007 PLEASE MIND THE TAGS REAL LIFE AU TRANS MAGNUS DANCER MAGNUS PIANIST ALEC   Alec and Magnus met when they were teenagers. And felt a spark between them instantly. Then something happened, severing their bond brutally. Ten years later Magnus is a dancer who has been through a lot to become the person he was meant to be, to have the body he was meant to have. Alec has gone through a rough path of his own and struggles horribly with self-acceptance. What happens when they’re reunited? Can what was broken be fixed so they can create something beautiful?   ESTIMATED AMOUNT OF CHAPTERS MAY CHANGE PROMPT BY @Sivambika9 Words: 2118, Chapters: 1/10, Language: English Fandoms: Shadowhunters (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M Characters: Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Real World, Trans Magnus Bane, Dancer Magnus Bane, Pianist Alec Lightwood, Angst, Drama, Romance, Misunderstandings, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Hate Crimes, Healing, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Acceptance read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/1C7nrNq

[normal-thoughts-official]

We need more MIND CONTROL ANGST in this fandom give me Alec hurts Magnus and for a split second Magnus is just shocked with this feeling of "alec... hit me?" And even tho he very quickly realizes something is wrong it just feels so wrong and painful and later when Alec is unwhammied hes so guilty he doesn't want to even touch Magnus but that's what Magnus needs most rn, touch and affection and reassurance and comfort, cue misunderstandings and more angst before the ultimate happy ending :)

again, ur mind........ the talent in this.... *girl in porn voice* it's so big

also this is tagged but just to make sure, trigger warning for mind control, abuse/child abuse mentions, self harm

ok maybe it starts like... they are together and alec has a headache or something as the control kicks in or something and he falls to the ground and magnus runs after him like what happened? and alec's like "something's wrong, magnus, stay away" but magnus is too worried so he doesnt listen and he touches alec and alec hits him

and for a second he thinks it's because he went too far and touched alec without consent and his mind is flashing with asmodeus and his words when he hit him, and memories and for a second he barely knows where he is and what is happening and who is who. and because this is happening slowly alec screams "something is controlling me!" because he knows soon he'll be like possessed completely and he wants to apologize but he knows it's more important to let magnus know what's happening first. and sure enough soon a Demonic Voice overtakes him and his alec is obviously gone

and it's quickly resolved because magnus is 1- smart, and 2- powerful, and clearly the spell whomstever was using on alec was not super strong lmao. maybe someone who was trying to get to magnus for some reason? so like, extra spice because magnus feels guilty - he knows all too well what it's like to be forced to do things you don't want to do, to see yourself as a monster, to have nightmares about being forced to hurt the people you love- 

and alec of course is drowning drowning drowning in guilt as well because he hurt magnus, it's the one thing he remembers before losing control, he hurt magnus when he was supposed to protect him, and he knows magnus has history with abuse, and he could clearly see the way that magnus lost himself in a flashback for a second, he triggered him and he became the people he had always sworn he'd never be, that he'd help him forget, and he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus

and he feels so stupid because he hadn't even realized something was wrong before it was too fucking late, and he had enough control to scream at him, but not to hold himself back? what kind of bullshit is that? he feels like a failure and he blames himself and he wants to scratch his own skin off, make himself bleed because he failed the one person he loved the most, again, and he doesn't deserve magnus if he can't help him

so basically like as soon as magnus manages to undo the spell and they are done Finding The Culprit and Resolving The Plot alec is just like. completely retracted in himself. already scratching his hands in a similar way to what he did when magnus was in the hospital, fists tight and hurting, and usually magnus would notice that, but all he sees is the rage burning within alec, that terrifying anger that he shows sometimes and after alec hurt him... it's scary

and because the person who did this was trying to get to him, he feels like that's his fault, too. he dragged alec into this mess and he was too much again, and he's nothing but a burden to the people he loves and he knows how alec feels like he needs to be in control of things, how if he doesn't he loses his footing, and losing control of his body is the most terrifying experience - magnus would know - and he brought this on alec and didn't even notice when he's the warlock, he should be able to have noticed the spell, he could have stopped this whole thing from happening but he didn't and things could have been so much worse, all because he wasn't paying attention as always, and god, he hurt someone he loved, didn't he? again. he's like an omen, bringing pain and death and hurt to everyone around him, he's cursed-

and alec pretty much leaves immediately with some bullshit excuse about needing something, and magnus tries to call for him, but alec is gone in an instant and ignores magnus. and magnus is just unleashing the spiral he had been keeping at bay and contained while he was figuring out the solution for this, and he just had a horrible flashback moment and the voice of his father is running free around his head, telling him everything about how he's not good enough, not powerful enough, how he'll never have anyone because he's a demon and this is what he was made to, to hurt, and he might try to pretend otherwise but in the end it will always come back to this; so he's in a bad mental state to not realize what he otherwise would immediately - alec is blaming himself, of course he is - and just sees that he's angry and leaves. and then he's alone with his thoughts screaming at him that he keeps bringing pain to the people he loves, that he's useless, evil even, that his father was right, that camille was right

and maybe he knows deep down that alec wouldn't blame him for this but he still can't help but think that eventually alec would grow tired of him and why not now? what does magnus even have to offer him, except for baggage and pain?

and he can't help but think, what if it happens again? what if that was just the first time and soon enough alec will become camille just like he always feared his next lover would? and then he feels guilty for even thinking that, because of course alec wouldn't, and this wasn't his fault, and magnus should be able to get over it instead of spiralling like that and acting like alec had done something wrong when he knows alec got the worst position in that situation

and alec is just shooting arrows all night, letting his hands bleed and hurt and also doing his best to train, because he needs to do better, he needs to be stronger and he can't keep letting this happen because last time it was irreversible. and he's thankful this time wasn't like that but this is unacceptable and god, he hurt magnus

he probably only comes back home the next day and magnus doesn't sleep at all that night because fuck, he fucked up. he didn't notice and he let this happen to alec and then he was a baby about it and mentally compared him to camille and basically blamed alec for all of that and alec didn't even come back home. maybe this time he's done forever, maybe alec's tired of him, maybe this will be the one thing they never manage to overcome, because alec will blame himself and magnus can't pull his shit back together to support him, and god alec will blame himself and god last time this happened magnus had to take him off the ledge, and alec promised he would tell him if things ever got that bad but how could alec even trust him right now, what if he's gone, magnus didn't even check up on him, he was too busy worrying about himself like some fucking asshole

and like he knows alec is alive because he can sense him with magic even if faintly but he still has that moment of panic and maybe alec isn't ok and he doesn't know but what right does magnus have to track him down right now? what good could he even do? it would be overbearing and unfair to go after him, alec obviously doesn't want his company right now

so when alec finally comes home the next day magnus is like "alexander" relieved and worried at the same time and he kind of runs to him but alec stays still so he pauses when he stops, hand even hovering mid-air, clearly hesitant and afraid to touch him and alec thinks, he's scared of me, look at what you did, he can't even trust you enough to touch you. and because alec doesn't touch him either and just seems closed off, magnus thinks, you can't fix this. it's all your fault and he'll never open up to you again. you're done

and then more guilt because he thinks, alec is not camille, he's not withholding touching me as punishment, why can't i stop acting like this is his fault? what's wrong with me? just talk. but he can't because he's terrified and there's so much going on in his head and then he feels worse because he can't just do the right thing and communicate, again, when clearly he should be the one to bring this up and make sure alec knows it wasn't his fault, and apologize for not being there for him

and maybe alec has that moment of "maybe i should just... go" and then magnus tries to stop him like "no, don't, please" because he's scared if this goes on for longer he'll just spiral harder and then he'll lose alec for good. and in the process he touches alec and alec recoils like he's been burned and magnus freezes completely and the sudden movement makes his eyes widen for a second and there's this almost imperceptible flinch and then again the guilt because 1- he touched alec without consent and warranted this reaction; 2- alec doesn't even want to touch him and he could have prevented this; 3- he's acting like alec would just become his abusers again. why the hell did he flinch?

and alec goes "i'm sorry", and magnus almost interrupts in his haste to be like "no, no, no, don't be sorry" almost begging him and that's when it hits alec that magnus has probably been spiralling this whole time too. and he wasn't there for him when magnus obviously needed comfort after such a traumatic experience. fuck he's fucking this up even more

so magnus can see the spiral in alec's eyes and he's like "no, come on, sit down, it's alright" and offers him like tea or something and his hands are shaking a bit because he wants to fix this and they both do really. cue awkward "im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im-"

anyway they both talk about what they had been thinking and the guilt and the spirals and (in magnus' case) the whole thing about being triggered and not knowing how to deal with that and they clear the air and reassure each other because they are healthy and communicate and we stan that. sometimes just talking about the pain and reassuring each other is enough, you know?

and like alec holds magnus' face tenderly where he had hit him and very slowly leans down to give it a kiss and strokes it a bit and magnus takes alec's hand/fist and gives it a kiss too and slowly heals his knuckles and alec smiles up at him in the way he does and magnus' eyes shine too when he asks "better?" all hopeful like it really matters to him you know

and just alec peppering kisses on magnus' face and magnus kind of nuzzling against his hand and they both get that comfort of touching and knowing that they're still welcomed for each other and they have a Really Long Hug. complete with alec's face buried in magnus' shoulders and magnus clutching him a bit and it's almost smothering for them both but it's what they both need you know. and they whisper to each other "it's ok" and "i love you" and all that nice stuff 👌

anyway this is REALLY LONG so im ending it now im just obsessed with the mental image of alec kissing magnus' face and magnus' kissing his hand bye. also i love this ask ugh we stan mind control angst

[harkasun]

Chapter Seven: That Drowning Darkness

Sneak Peek:

“Why are you doing this?”

Alec glances back to the main room, his eyes narrowed in sympathy. “Do you have to ask that…? I feel your pain. I feel every time you do this to yourself… I could never just stand by and do nothing.”

“Why not?” Magnus presses and Alec hears the tears in his voice. “Would it go against your strict moral compass? Your Lightwood pride won’t sway me, Alexander. If you’re pretending to care for me so you can please your parents—”

“Stop it!” Alec snaps, tired of his careless attitude, and Magnus falls uncharacteristically silent. “You are my warlock and I’m your familiar. Claimed or not, our souls are bound. I have to protect you, do you really not understand that? If I don’t have you, I don’t have anything and I’ve had nothing for too long.”

Read chapter seven on Ao3

Or, read from the beginning on Ao3

[the-great-lightwood-bane]

starshine and moonlight

Chapter 1 of 4 (Chapter 2 | 3 | 4)

Malec | Rated general | tw mention of self-harm through training

Day 27: Pushed to the Limit | Muffled Screams | Stumbling | Magical Exhaustion

Summary: Alec fires the arrows one after another, not pausing between shots, only drawing another arrow as fast as he can manage and firing again.

aka three times Alec isn’t enough and one time he doesn’t need to be.

A/N: (magical exhaustion = rune exhaustion okay)

and I'm using all four prompts for once !!!

Read it on AO3 or below the cut.

Alec fires the arrows one after another, not pausing between shots, only drawing another arrow as fast as he can manage and firing again. 

The target’s two hundred metres away, the longest distance he can get in the training rooms. He doesn’t want to waste arrows by splitting them, so he’s not aiming for the bull’s eye every time — he aims for a specific spot on the outer ring, then another spot a bit farther along, so that he’s drawing rings around the target with the arrows. 

There are a hundred arrows in his quiver, and he’s practising his speed — firing them all in under a minute, gathering them up, trying again. The rhythm of it isn’t soothing, precisely, but it’s calm. Focused. He’s in control of the arrows’ path, of the speed of his movements, of the blood dripping from his hands where he’s broken through the skin. 

It’s not like hand-to-hand, where he’s always on the edge of spinning out of control, where he doesn’t have time or space to plan out his next move. Hand-to-hand is about instincts, and Alec’s instincts don’t always lead him the right way. Izzy and Jace, on the other hand, always seem to make the right choice, even when they’re not thinking about it; they’re simply better than he was at their age, with instincts that don’t lead them astray. 

Izzy and Jace are natural-born fighters. They take to weapons with enviable ease; Jace is already better than Alec, even though he’s a year younger, and Izzy is catching up. They’re the best of the generation, breaking every record Alec’s set. Jace is brutally efficient with a sword, already beating most adult Shadowhunters; Izzy’s skill with a whip is becoming legendary. 

Alec can’t keep up with them. Where they learn a new move or a new style in a matter of days, Alec spends weeks practising it slowly, a bit faster, faster still, until he’s finally ready to actually use it in a fight. He’s got the advantage of age, but it barely seems to help him. 

Yesterday was the yearly exams they all take, going to Alicante to assess their abilities in standardised tests. On-duty Shadowhunters have to score at least sixty in each of the four categories, and over seventy-five in at least two, with a total of over 300. 

He thinks of the report card he was given, along with an official congratulations. 

Tactics and Analysis ………… 95

Seraph blades ………………….. 89

Hand-to-hand ………………….. 87

Specialisation ………………….. 93 Total ……………………………….... 364

It’s an adequate score, better than last year, but shame clutters Alec’s throat anyway. He messed up with his bow in the Specialisation category — he should’ve been able to score at least 95. He knew in advance that he wouldn’t get more than ninety in seraph blades or hand-to-hand, but he’d still hoped. Tactics and analysis, his best score, is the category that matters the least. Sure, over 360 in total is pretty good, but he’s nothing special. 

Nothing compared to Jace, who got 61 in tactics and analysis — the least important category — but high nineties in everything else, breaking several records. Izzy’s only fourteen, which means that her total of 339 is, again, record-breaking. It’s mostly thanks to the 96 she got in the Specialisation category — she clearly showed off quite a bit with her whip. 

When the results came in, Maryse beamed at Jace and congratulated him, and ignored her other two children. Robert hugged Izzy. 

Alec went up to his room to work on his tactics homework. 

He doesn’t resent his siblings for doing better than him, for excelling where he can’t. They’ve always shone brighter than him, twin suns that draw the eye far more than Alec’s quiet shadow. They’re fun and skilled and happy, where Alec spends all his time training or practising or running the Institute. Compared to them, he’s boring. 

In Alicante, people whispered when they saw the three of them arrive — the Lightwood siblings, the prodigies. If it’d been only Alec, they wouldn’t’ve spared him a second glance. Jace is a true prodigy, and Izzy’s shaping up into one too, but Alec — Alec’s nothing special. Jace and Izzy are brilliant enough to light any room they walk into. If Alec shines, it’s with nothing but reflected light. 

Alec’s arrows thud into the target, one after another after another, a constant stream of them. His time for the last run of a hundred arrows is fifty-eight seconds, so he pulls them out and starts again, and again, and again. 

Maryse and Robert are in New York for the week, which means that Alec has fewer reports to file, although most of the Institute still comes to him with its problems. Even so, he’s got more time than usual, and he’s scheduled himself for extra training hours. 

Izzy and Jace train the required three hours per day and no more, and yet they excel. 

Alec’s been training five hours a day for the last six years, and he’s barely keeping up with them. He tries — by the Angel, he tries — but he’s never, ever enough. 

Another volley of arrows slams into the target, and Alec leans into the pain of his bleeding fingers to drown out the worse pain of his own inadequacy. 

~

He spends the next four hours in the simulation room, armed with nothing but a single seraph blade. He sets the difficulty to the highest setting and starts the simulation. 

The system’s pretty advanced, good enough to be nearly as unpredictable as an actual fight. Not quite — simulations are still easier than reality — but good enough for training. A swarm of Shax demons appears around Alec, and he starts fighting, killing them one after the other as quickly as he can. The simulation won’t actually kill him, but it makes him feel all the injuries he’d accrue in a normal fight, and soon enough he’s sore and tired. 

He keeps going. 

The timer on the simulation-wall keeps track of how long he’s been in here without dying and starting over. His personal record is one and a half hours; Jace’s record is two hours. Alec glances at the timer occasionally, when he’s not in imminent danger of dying, and watches the minutes tick up. Fifteen minutes. Half an hour. One hour. 

He’s activated his stamina rune three times now, and rune exhaustion is humming under his skin. His side is aching, and he feels bruised all over. Only some of the pain will go away when the simulation ends. His rune exhaustion is real, as are the bruises from when he’s fallen to the floor. The cut on his side where one of the demons caught him feels real, but it’ll fade with the demons when the simulation is over. 

For now, though, it means that every movement sends pain shooting through him. 

The fight is chaotic, demons rising as fast as Alec kills them, coming from all directions, attacking and falling away and dying and appearing somewhere else. Alec’s seraph blade appears covered in ichor, but it’s really as untouched as when he started. He fights on, ducking and slashing and stabbing and ignoring the pain, ignoring everything but the demons in front of him. 

A demon catches him full in the chest, the simulation sending a spike of pain through him, and he muffles a scream. He’s bleeding, which means that he’ll eventually pass out, but the timer is ticking closer and closer to his last record and he needs to hold on just a bit longer. 

Jace would be better than this. 

Izzy would be better than this. 

He kills the demon and shoves another one back into its fellows. He’s pushing himself to the limit, but he needs to push past his limits, needs to be better, faster, stronger. 

The timer beeps, the sound of him breaking his last record. Alec kills a few more demons, but the simulation-induced blood loss is catching up with him, and eventually he stumbles, misses a swipe at a demon, falls. 

He wakes up in an empty simulation room. As predicted, he’s only about half as sore as he was before. There’s no pride in his chest for having broken his former record, only a dull exhaustion and the knowledge that Jace could’ve done better, shone brighter, fought harder. The knowledge that Alec isn’t enough. 

He gets up and starts the simulation over again, but with a different demon configuration this time, a different challenge to overcome. 

This session won’t last nearly as long since he’s already tired and sore, but he gives it his all anyway.