#alec lightwood self harm

[buffyspeak]

not to make this about alec too much (bc quite frankly this arc already sidelines magnus in his own story which is. frustrating!) but when alec asks magnus if having magic is really worth dying for and magnus says “maybe” and alec is like “how you can even say that.” yes it’s because someone he loves and cares very deeply about has admitted something Incredibly Upsetting And Concerning. but i think it would be weird to discount the fact that alec himself has struggled with self-harm and suicidal thoughts and urges, and though we got so little of their talk in 2.09, magnus is clearly someone who knows more of his struggle and has supported him. so when someone you maybe a little bit look to for... guidance? comfort? on dealing with the pains of life without falling back on those urges is admitting that they themselves are even somewhat succumbing to them... that is overwhelming to say the least!

[the-great-lightwood-bane]

starshine and moonlight

Chapter 1 of 4 (Chapter 2 | 3 | 4)

Malec | Rated general | tw mention of self-harm through training

Day 27: Pushed to the Limit | Muffled Screams | Stumbling | Magical Exhaustion

Summary: Alec fires the arrows one after another, not pausing between shots, only drawing another arrow as fast as he can manage and firing again.

aka three times Alec isn’t enough and one time he doesn’t need to be.

A/N: (magical exhaustion = rune exhaustion okay)

and I'm using all four prompts for once !!!

Read it on AO3 or below the cut.

Alec fires the arrows one after another, not pausing between shots, only drawing another arrow as fast as he can manage and firing again. 

The target’s two hundred metres away, the longest distance he can get in the training rooms. He doesn’t want to waste arrows by splitting them, so he’s not aiming for the bull’s eye every time — he aims for a specific spot on the outer ring, then another spot a bit farther along, so that he’s drawing rings around the target with the arrows. 

There are a hundred arrows in his quiver, and he’s practising his speed — firing them all in under a minute, gathering them up, trying again. The rhythm of it isn’t soothing, precisely, but it’s calm. Focused. He’s in control of the arrows’ path, of the speed of his movements, of the blood dripping from his hands where he’s broken through the skin. 

It’s not like hand-to-hand, where he’s always on the edge of spinning out of control, where he doesn’t have time or space to plan out his next move. Hand-to-hand is about instincts, and Alec’s instincts don’t always lead him the right way. Izzy and Jace, on the other hand, always seem to make the right choice, even when they’re not thinking about it; they’re simply better than he was at their age, with instincts that don’t lead them astray. 

Izzy and Jace are natural-born fighters. They take to weapons with enviable ease; Jace is already better than Alec, even though he’s a year younger, and Izzy is catching up. They’re the best of the generation, breaking every record Alec’s set. Jace is brutally efficient with a sword, already beating most adult Shadowhunters; Izzy’s skill with a whip is becoming legendary. 

Alec can’t keep up with them. Where they learn a new move or a new style in a matter of days, Alec spends weeks practising it slowly, a bit faster, faster still, until he’s finally ready to actually use it in a fight. He’s got the advantage of age, but it barely seems to help him. 

Yesterday was the yearly exams they all take, going to Alicante to assess their abilities in standardised tests. On-duty Shadowhunters have to score at least sixty in each of the four categories, and over seventy-five in at least two, with a total of over 300. 

He thinks of the report card he was given, along with an official congratulations. 

Tactics and Analysis ………… 95

Seraph blades ………………….. 89

Hand-to-hand ………………….. 87

Specialisation ………………….. 93 Total ……………………………….... 364

It’s an adequate score, better than last year, but shame clutters Alec’s throat anyway. He messed up with his bow in the Specialisation category — he should’ve been able to score at least 95. He knew in advance that he wouldn’t get more than ninety in seraph blades or hand-to-hand, but he’d still hoped. Tactics and analysis, his best score, is the category that matters the least. Sure, over 360 in total is pretty good, but he’s nothing special. 

Nothing compared to Jace, who got 61 in tactics and analysis — the least important category — but high nineties in everything else, breaking several records. Izzy’s only fourteen, which means that her total of 339 is, again, record-breaking. It’s mostly thanks to the 96 she got in the Specialisation category — she clearly showed off quite a bit with her whip. 

When the results came in, Maryse beamed at Jace and congratulated him, and ignored her other two children. Robert hugged Izzy. 

Alec went up to his room to work on his tactics homework. 

He doesn’t resent his siblings for doing better than him, for excelling where he can’t. They’ve always shone brighter than him, twin suns that draw the eye far more than Alec’s quiet shadow. They’re fun and skilled and happy, where Alec spends all his time training or practising or running the Institute. Compared to them, he’s boring. 

In Alicante, people whispered when they saw the three of them arrive — the Lightwood siblings, the prodigies. If it’d been only Alec, they wouldn’t’ve spared him a second glance. Jace is a true prodigy, and Izzy’s shaping up into one too, but Alec — Alec’s nothing special. Jace and Izzy are brilliant enough to light any room they walk into. If Alec shines, it’s with nothing but reflected light. 

Alec’s arrows thud into the target, one after another after another, a constant stream of them. His time for the last run of a hundred arrows is fifty-eight seconds, so he pulls them out and starts again, and again, and again. 

Maryse and Robert are in New York for the week, which means that Alec has fewer reports to file, although most of the Institute still comes to him with its problems. Even so, he’s got more time than usual, and he’s scheduled himself for extra training hours. 

Izzy and Jace train the required three hours per day and no more, and yet they excel. 

Alec’s been training five hours a day for the last six years, and he’s barely keeping up with them. He tries — by the Angel, he tries — but he’s never, ever enough. 

Another volley of arrows slams into the target, and Alec leans into the pain of his bleeding fingers to drown out the worse pain of his own inadequacy. 

~

He spends the next four hours in the simulation room, armed with nothing but a single seraph blade. He sets the difficulty to the highest setting and starts the simulation. 

The system’s pretty advanced, good enough to be nearly as unpredictable as an actual fight. Not quite — simulations are still easier than reality — but good enough for training. A swarm of Shax demons appears around Alec, and he starts fighting, killing them one after the other as quickly as he can. The simulation won’t actually kill him, but it makes him feel all the injuries he’d accrue in a normal fight, and soon enough he’s sore and tired. 

He keeps going. 

The timer on the simulation-wall keeps track of how long he’s been in here without dying and starting over. His personal record is one and a half hours; Jace’s record is two hours. Alec glances at the timer occasionally, when he’s not in imminent danger of dying, and watches the minutes tick up. Fifteen minutes. Half an hour. One hour. 

He’s activated his stamina rune three times now, and rune exhaustion is humming under his skin. His side is aching, and he feels bruised all over. Only some of the pain will go away when the simulation ends. His rune exhaustion is real, as are the bruises from when he’s fallen to the floor. The cut on his side where one of the demons caught him feels real, but it’ll fade with the demons when the simulation is over. 

For now, though, it means that every movement sends pain shooting through him. 

The fight is chaotic, demons rising as fast as Alec kills them, coming from all directions, attacking and falling away and dying and appearing somewhere else. Alec’s seraph blade appears covered in ichor, but it’s really as untouched as when he started. He fights on, ducking and slashing and stabbing and ignoring the pain, ignoring everything but the demons in front of him. 

A demon catches him full in the chest, the simulation sending a spike of pain through him, and he muffles a scream. He’s bleeding, which means that he’ll eventually pass out, but the timer is ticking closer and closer to his last record and he needs to hold on just a bit longer. 

Jace would be better than this. 

Izzy would be better than this. 

He kills the demon and shoves another one back into its fellows. He’s pushing himself to the limit, but he needs to push past his limits, needs to be better, faster, stronger. 

The timer beeps, the sound of him breaking his last record. Alec kills a few more demons, but the simulation-induced blood loss is catching up with him, and eventually he stumbles, misses a swipe at a demon, falls. 

He wakes up in an empty simulation room. As predicted, he’s only about half as sore as he was before. There’s no pride in his chest for having broken his former record, only a dull exhaustion and the knowledge that Jace could’ve done better, shone brighter, fought harder. The knowledge that Alec isn’t enough. 

He gets up and starts the simulation over again, but with a different demon configuration this time, a different challenge to overcome. 

This session won’t last nearly as long since he’s already tired and sore, but he gives it his all anyway.

[dani-dabbles]

The Difficult Task (a Malec fic)

READ ON AO3

It is easy to go down into hell; night and day the gates of dark death stand wide; but to climb back up again, to retrace one's steps to the open air; there lies the problem, the difficult task.

Virgil, The Aeneid

[ NOW ]

He shouldn’t have noticed it. This crumbling, burnt piece of paper he now held in his hand.

Magnus had breezed into his love’s office via portal hoping to find him and drag him away from reports long enough to escape to the Napa Valley for dinner at one of their favorite wineries. But the office was oddly silent except for the soft but consistent pinging of message notifications coming from the tablet on Alec’s desk - sure sign that Alec did indeed need a break from a job that never gives him adequate rest. Now if he could only find the man that was noticeably absent.

Doing a final cursory sweep of the room before seeking out his dashing Shadowhunter, Magnus had noticed the paper at the edge of the fireplace, slightly smoldering. He had only meant to move it to prevent a fire hazard but that was before he saw the words written hastily across its surface that gave him pause. The blackened edges and minor holes did little to censor its content.

Just like the Clave

…come to resent you

…best just isn’t good enough…

why are you still here…

…selfish and naive

embarrassed us all

Followed by repetitive lines of

Not good enough

Not good enough

Not good enough

Not good enough

Not good enough

Until they trailed off in a mess of blotted, smeared ink.

More notifications annoyingly ping from Alec’s desk and Magnus fights the urge to shatter the device with a flick of his wrist. Because fuck the Clave and their ever growing list of demands and pressure on the young Head of the New York Institute. And fuck the Shadowhunter’s standard of perfection, of looking the other goddamned way when one of their own is crumbling under the pressure.

And fuck this ugly piece of paper for taunting him with all the evidence that he is failing his Shadowhunter. Again .

Alec has been so much better these past few months. After the incident back in October. After Magnus had to bring his love back from the brink of utter self-destruction.

He chokes back on the anger and disgust that climbs like sour bile up his throat. His magic responds to his tumultuous emotions as if he’s in physical danger. Blue flames flicker and jump down his arms ready to snap out at any unexpected threat.

Magnus resists the urge to throw the damned thing back in the fire and let the heat destroy every accursed word. But now is not the time for a magical fit of rage.

Instead he tucks the paper into his pocket.

A reminder.

A promise.

But right now he needs to find Alexander.

Magnus flicks his hand and the office door explodes open banging against the wall. Paintings fall but Magnus is already down the hall before they hit the floor.

///////////////////////////////////////

[ LAST OCTOBER ]

He needs you.

The text comes through and Magnus doesn’t hesitate. He immediately stands from his seat, one hand already flicking to open a portal, “I’m sorry. I must go.”

In different circumstances, Magnus might be more bothered at his lack of manners abruptly leaving a meeting with other High Warlocks without explanation. But there is not a universe in existance where those ten letters won’t take precedence over everything else.

Seconds later the portal snaps closed behind him and the silence of the New York Institute greets him. Standing in the middle of the ops center, Magnus feels like the only soul in the building. Tracks of ichor in various boot tread patterns stain the typically pristine floors, angelic weapons are strewn about as if dropped and forgotten, and the only light comes from the monitors glowing with various maps and statistics. Magnus decides right then he’d have rather entered into chaos with alarms sounding and Shadowhunters running about.

Because this silence holds the weight of tragedies already past.

“Oh thank the angel you’re here.”

The soft words have barely made it to his ears before arms are thrown around him from behind.

Magnus detaches the rune marked arms from his torso just long enough to turn around and better embrace Isabelle Lightwood.

“Where is he?”

Isabelle sniffles, her face still firmly pressed against Magnus’ chest. “The roof.”

They give each other a quick squeeze of comfort and understanding, but either want him to linger. Magnus needs to find Alexander. Quickly

The autumn wind is harsher on the Institute’s roof, spearing sharply through the material of Magnus’ wool coat. Even though dawn is fast approaching, the roof of the Institute is a shadowed haven for his reclusive archer. But like a moth to a flame, Magnus zeroes in on the lone figure sitting precariously on the ledge, so close the slightest movement could tip them over the edge.

He approaches cautiously but with heavy footfalls so his presence is known.

“Alexander?”

The already taunt shoulders, tighten even more. It's the only reaction to indicate Alec heard him.

Now at the edge with him, Magnus slowly lowers himself to sit next to Alexander, his movements slow and unhurried because of the fight or flight energy radiating from the distressed man. They have been here before. Magnus knows Alexander well enough to know that when he is overwhelmed or upset he will either lash out or refuse to acknowledge the issue all together. Both are fine by Magnus. He can withstand a potential verbal onslaught if that’s what Alec needs, and he can just as easily sit here all night offering his company in silence.

Alec doesn’t look over or acknowledge Magnus. Instead, the Head of the New York Institute sits, hunched over his lap, limbs slightly trembling. Magnus can tell his hands are working against one another, digging, pinching at one another - a terrible tick that Magnus made note of a long time ago. So he asks, “Darling, what can I do? What do you need?” There was no use in asking him if he’s okay or if something was wrong, because the answer to both questions was glaringly obvious.

Alec only offers a subtle shake of his head.

Magnus can’t hold himself back any longer. The desperate need to comfort his lover has him prying the man’s hands from where they are fidgeting in his lap. It's not until he is interlacing his left hand with Alec’s right that he notices the wetness of their grip.

He holds Alec’s hand up for closer inspection.

Blood.

In the limited light of the night it looks black against Alec’s alabaster skin as it coats his hand and trails down his wrist beyond the sleeves of his leather jacket.

Still not looking at Magnus, Alec whispers, “I’m fine.”

Magnus turns the hand and finds a deep wound across Alec’s palm. A horrific cut slices diagonally from finger to wrist, edges ragged and torn. The tendons are exposed and quite possibly damaged but Magnus can’t tell through the mess of dark blood which still sluggishly pulses from the wound.

An iratze. That is Magnus’ first thought. He should have used an iratze rune by now. But why-

Magnus knows why. He knows Alec’s ways of coping. Throwing punches at the bag in the gym until his knuckles bleed. Letting arrows fly until blood trails between his fingers. Staying awake for over 36 hours because he has to do whatever task the Clave has assigned him to perfection.

But this it's different. This isn’t a superficial wound that can be easily remedied. This could be debilitating. The mobility of his dominant hand is at risk.

This borders on self-inflicted torture.

With dawning horror and an overwhelming need to be sick, Magnus reaches for Alec’s left hand still hidden in his lap. Alec flinches and ducks lower like he’s trying to fold up on himself and disappear entirely.

Magnus chokes back the bile as he sees blood coating his lover’s fingertips and thumb.

The image of Alec digging into the wound of his right hand is so vivid and horrific in Magnus’s mind that he has to look away for a moment. He shuts his eyes against the truth of the situation he’s found his Shadowhunter in.

When he looks back to Alexander, he sees the city lights reflect off the teardrops falling from the man’s down turned face onto his black clothes.

Magnus can’t disguise his own pain, woundedly saying, “Alexander-”

“It’s never enough, you know, I- I am never enough.”

Alec’s confession slips into the dark night and strikes Magnus in the gut stealing the oxygen from his lungs, rendering him speechless.

Because the thought of Alec thinking he is not enough is the most ludicrous idea Magnus has ever heard. Because to Magnus, Alexander is everything. Magnus would never even say Alec was enough for him. That would imply that he met the most minimal of Magnus’ standards. In truth, Alexander exceeded every quality, every standard Magnus had ever looked for in another soul. Hundreds of years and thousands of lovers but it's this man next to him who finally fits perfectly. Alec isn’t just enough for him, Magnus is fairly certain his heart had to expand to even attempt to contain his love for this man.

Alexander Gideon Lightwood would always be incredibly and exceedingly more than just “enough.”

Magnus is finally shaking off his shock and finding the wits to tell Alec exactly this when Alec croaks out, broken and small, “I- I didn’t save them. They all died- died because I wasn’t good enough, Magnus. I failed them all. Me. Magnus. There are children dead because of me .”

Magnus wants to press and ask what exactly happened tonight but his immediate concern is the short, quickened breaths Alec is now struggling to take. His lungs appear to exert themselves trying to take in even the smallest amount of air.

“Alexander, hey. Hey, look at me.” Magnus ducks to catch his eye and is forced to take Alec by the shoulders and make him turn to face him. Magnus places Alec’s blood soaked hand on his chest. He feels the wetness saturate the silk of his shirt, but he doesn’t care. He grabs Alec’s chin to make him look up. “Breathe with me. Match my breathing, darling.” Alec’s eyes are wild and bloodshot, begging for relief; but he does as told and holds Magnus stare. “Please, just breathe. Focus on me, focus on the movement of my chest. Try to match it okay, darling?”

Magnus steadies his own heart rate and evens out his own breathing, exaggerating his efforts in order for Alec to follow his rhythmic inhale and exhale

He quietly instructs, “In, 1,2,3,…Out, 1,2,3…”

Still struggling, Alec shakes his head and stutters through his labored breathing, “If I can't- can’t save and protect them then- then what’s the point? Why am I here?”

“Shhhhh. Breathe darling. Just breathe with me,” Magnus encourages.

“Maybe, maybe…” Alec manages a deep inhale of air before continuing, “maybe I just sh-shouldn’t be here. Maybe that- that would be better.”

It takes several beats before the desolate confession registers with Magnus’ brain. I’m not strong enough, it's his first thought. He is not strong enough to carry the knowledge that his Alexander thinks the world would be better off without him. It is too much. It’s too big a thing. And it threatens to crush Magnus beneath its oppressive weight.

And Alexander, his Alexander, has been bearing the burden of this for Edom knows how long.

He thinks of Alec laughing and smiling just this morning over breakfast and wanders if these thoughts were clamoring around in his head then. If he had only been pretending at happy and content while silently, and totally unbeknownst to Magnus, questioning the value of his existence.

Alec’s confession continues to hang between, an obstructive bubble of tense silence.

Magnus moves to hold Alec’s face in his hands. His fingers smear Alec’s own blood across his cheeks and jaw.

Magnus’ own despair dismantles his typically solid grasp on his glamor. His panic-stricken cat eyes rove hastily over the young face before him, studying it for a visible, tangible wound that he can heal and fix all of this. But it’s not that easy, no matter how much he wishes.

He takes in the pale skin smudged and stained with crimson. The greens and golds of his hazel eyes amplified through the glassiness of gathered tears. The usually pink lips, now pale and downturned. It’s haunting. Beautiful - because Alec can’t be anything other than beautiful to Magnus - but wholly heart shattering. He’ll live with it for as long as he lives. He will never forget the look of his Shadowhunter at his lowest, soul-crushing point. And it will haunt Magnus every day for the rest of his life, wondering what he could have done to prevent them from ending up here.

Magnus finally finds his words, “Listen to me, Alexander, you are more caring than any Shadowhunter I have come across in all my hundreds of years. You wake up every day willing to work yourself to utter exhaustion to protect this city of millions. But you can’t protect everyone, Alexander. They are not all your responsibility. And I know that goes against every thread woven into your character, but you are only one person. That burden does not belong solely on your shoulders. And I will happily condemn anyone who tries to convince you otherwise to the depths of my father’s realm.”

Magnus’ tears finally spill over and his voice becomes broken, bordering on pleading. “Alexander, no world exists that would be improved by your absence. Do you hear me? There are possibly millions of alternate universes beyond this one and I can guarantee you that each and every one is improved by the existence of Alexander Gideon Lightwood in it. So don’t you dare think that we would be better off without you. This world needs you, this city needs you, your family needs you. I need you . We need your compassion, your vision, determination, your smile and your unconditional love. So you can’t leave us, okay?”

Still shaking with the effects of his panic attack, Alec squeezes his eyes shut, his face collapsing in agony. Fresh tears begin to stream. They mix with the blood and cut a red-tinged trail down his face.

Magnus gathers Alexander against him, mindful of the damaged hand now cradled between them. He pulls his love into his lap and manages to maneuver them a little farther from the edge of the roof. Alec sobs broken and gasping against his chest. Magnus holds him tight, rocking them both slightly, his cheek resting on Alec’s head pillowed by his dark hair and comforted by the smell of their sandalwood shampoo. His own tears fall silently.

///////////////////////////////////////

[ NOW ]

Magnus storms through the Institute, radiating anxious don’t dare stop me vibes that has Shadowhunters ducking out of his path.

He turns quickly into the training room to find Clary and Jace sparing.

“Where is he?”

Jace pauses mid-punch to look at Magnus in uncertainty. “Who Alec?” At Magnus’ dangerous look Jace glances at Clary and back before saying, “I- I think he went on a run? Why? What’s the matter?”

“I need to find him.”

Magnus whirls out of the room, Jace still calling after him in confusion.

Magnus strides through the converted church searching. Alec’s bedroom, the roof and the ops center are devoid of Alec as well. Heading toward the entrance, Magnus is preparing himself to track Alexander when the front door opens.

Headphones in and staring down at his phone, Alec meanders through the door dressed in loose training pants, a sweat splotched shirt and running shoes. He looks up and sees Magnus standing there staring at him. A smile breaks across his face, his eyes alight as he exclaims, “Magnus! What are you doing here?”

Magnus continues to blink at him as Alec closes the distance and gives him a quick kiss. “Sorry, I’m all gross. I went for a run. I wish I had known you were coming, I would have stuck around.”

Magnus quickly inspects the man before him, even grabbing for his hands ensuring there are no injuries to his person.

Alec huffs in both amusement and exasperation, “What are you doing?”

“Are you okay?” Magnus can’t disguise his anxiousness.

“I’m fine. What brought this on, babe?”

“I was in your office. I came to surprise you but- but I found this in the fireplace and I got worried.” He pulls the burnt piece of paper from his pocket.

Alec looks down at it and frowns, “Oh. Um. I- I can explain that. But not here, if that’s okay? Let's go back to my office.”

Alec leads Magnus back through the Institute, his hand a comforting, guiding pressure on Magnus lower back.

After the office door clicks shut behind them, Magnus turns abruptly to face Alec. “Are you sure you're okay? You aren’t lying to me?”

Hesitating slightly, Alec nods, “I’m mostly okay. I promise. I had a…moment earlier.”

Magnus continues to give him a worried look.

Alec sighs, “That” he points to the paper still in Magnus’ grip, “is something - a, uh, technique - I read about to deal with you know…” He trails off fully aware that Magnus knows the mental health issues he’s referring to. “I read somewhere on the internet that when you’re having negative thoughts to write them down. Some people then write something positive for each or scratch the words out or physically destroy the paper. I, uh, struggled with the positive thoughts method.” Alec shuffles his feet, looking down and frowning a little. He then looks back up at Magnus and gives him a small side smile, “But mutilating those negatives thought has been surprisingly therapeutic.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“You don’t need to apologize. I didn’t tell you I was doing it. It feels a little silly so I didn’t want to say anything until I’d tried it a few times.” Alec shrugs. Gesturing at his clothing, “I also read that some sort of exercise can be good. So I try to go for a run afterward as well. If I can fit it into my day, at least.”

Magnus smiles closed-lipped but warm and genuine, “I’m so proud of you, darling.”

Alec rubs at the back of his neck, blushing. “Thanks. I’m- I’m trying, Magnus.”

And Magnus knows that. These past few months Alec has been more vocal about the dark episodes he finds himself in; more forthcoming in expressing his feelings, his fears and his doubts. There are still days when he comes home to the loft with bruised and battered hands, but they are fewer and farther between. And he always allows Magnus to heal and comfort him in those low moments.

Magnus steps up to Alec and pulls him forward by the elbows to kiss him sweet and gentle. After a moment Alec pulls back smiling, fiddling with the newly placed ring on his finger. While it might not be entirely appropriate because of the anxiety it represents, the new habit makes Magnus smile just a bit. Shadows hide in the depths of Alec’s eyes still. But the happiness radiating from the array of brilliant colors diminishes their presence.

Magnus turns toward the fireplace and strides over to it. He drops the scrap of paper back into the ashes and flicks his wrist. Flames engulf it, promptly turning it to dust.

If Alexander doesn’t want to hang onto these words, then neither will Magnus. Because Alec is healing and trying his best to move forward into a less haunted existence. And Magnus doesn’t want to be left behind still clinging onto old burdens. He wants to be right there at Alexander’s side supporting him in his pursuit of a more positive life.

He turns back to Alec, “Hungry?”

Alec laughs, “Starving.”

Without breaking their gaze, Magnus twirls his right hand to open a portal and extends his left hand out to Alec, “Then come along, darling.”

Alec takes Magnus’ hand with a gentle squeeze and follows him through the portal.

[malec-ao3feed]

Our Song

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/1C7nrNq by Sandylee007 PLEASE MIND THE TAGS REAL LIFE AU TRANS MAGNUS DANCER MAGNUS PIANIST ALEC   Alec and Magnus met when they were teenagers. And felt a spark between them instantly. Then something happened, severing their bond brutally. Ten years later Magnus is a dancer who has been through a lot to become the person he was meant to be, to have the body he was meant to have. Alec has gone through a rough path of his own and struggles horribly with self-acceptance. What happens when they’re reunited? Can what was broken be fixed so they can create something beautiful?   ESTIMATED AMOUNT OF CHAPTERS MAY CHANGE PROMPT BY @Sivambika9 Words: 2118, Chapters: 1/10, Language: English Fandoms: Shadowhunters (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M Characters: Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Real World, Trans Magnus Bane, Dancer Magnus Bane, Pianist Alec Lightwood, Angst, Drama, Romance, Misunderstandings, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Hate Crimes, Healing, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Acceptance read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/1C7nrNq

[darcyolsson]

loved your post defending clary but what is your opinion on jace??? i feel like he's equally controversial

you know how sometimes rereading books a few years later changes your opinion on certain characters entirely bc instead of being some older hot brooding hero they're now just some kid in your eyes. that's me with jace right now

in fact you may have asked his at the perfect moment because i had a whole breakdown about this last night in the group chat last night i feel like this text sums it up quite well

he has 2 to 6 parents depending on how you look at it and for at least 17 years none of them ever loved him. he was fully prepared to go back to his cartoonishly evil kidapper dad who physically abused him bc at least there he felt wanted. he just wanted maryse to read him a bedtime story when he was 10 like she did for alec and isabelle. she never did. he just wants to be loved so so desperately. he can be genuinely hilarious and charming but now i'm looking back on it, it mostly reads like that too is just a way he taught himself to get the attention he wants so desperately. it's implied that he's been suicidal/has engaged in acts of self-harm since he arrived with the lightwoods when he was literally 10.

i think most people (me included!!) just remember him as a sarcastic rude asshole which to be fair is very much who he is HOWEVER every single time we get jace pov he reveals another 5 reasons why he's actually kind of valid in his assholery. this boy is playing DSM-5 bingo and babes his card is FULL and it's literally so upsetting to read. he's just a very sad kid and i'm literally on my way to nyc adoption papers in hand

[nandawrites]

Divine Cruelty

Fandom: The Mortal Instruments, The Shadowhunter Chronicles

Ship: Malec (Magnus Bane x Alec Lightwood)

Summary: “You are very cruel, did you know that?”

There was a startled silence on the other end of the line and Magnus realised that no, Alec didn’t know.

A/N: One of my goals for 2024 is to clear out my wip folder so I started with this one that just needed some finishing touches. I started it back in 2016 after a TMI reread and it's based on the scene where Alec calls Magnus to help them rescue Jace from Valentine's boat with some insights from The Bane Chronicles. I had plans to make it a whole long thing, but looking at it now I think it's fine the way it is.

Sorry if I confused anything from the books, I haven't reread TMI in a couple of years. But I hope you all still like it!

If you prefer, also read it on AO3!

~~**~~

“You are very cruel, did you know that?”

There was a startled silence on the other end of the line and Magnus realised that no, Alec didn’t know. He didn’t have the slightest clue what he had been doing to him, what he was doing to him right now, had no idea how Magnus felt or how much every word that left his mouth made his heart ache. Magnus felt a bolt of rage flaming up inside him, because how dare Alexander Lightwood have all this power over him and be just so damn clueless about it? He had always known the other was blatantly honest and innocent, only now he realised it wasn’t innocence, he was just plainly ignorant of everyone and everything in the world that weren’t him and that damned walking nuisance of a parabatai of his, and-

And he had to stop there because even as he thought it, he knew it wasn’t true. Alec was acutely aware of everyone around him, always there to help them. He was blatantly honest and innocent, without any shield or armour between his soul and the world; it was what had caught Magnus’ attention at first, after all. And while it was true he seemed massively ignorant of his impact on Magnus, the warlock couldn’t hold it against him, because he didn’t have any ill-intent with it. It wasn’t Alec’s fault ignorance could be just as, if not more, harmful than malice.

He passed his hand through his hair and hung his head, defeated. He was done for, he couldn’t even bear to truly stay mad at the boy for more than a few seconds. The anger was gone and all it left behind was a gaping nothingness, a dull ache of resigned sorrow and futile love. Because this is what it was, wasn’t it? The touch of angels in its purest form. Magnus had to press his knuckles against his mouth not to let out a bitter laugh.

“Magnus, I…” The voice that sounded from the other end of the line was small and uncertain and Magnus promptly cut it off, he didn’t want to think about Alec hurting when his own feelings were the ones that had just been blindly shattered.

“Don’t. Forget it. I’ll send you an address, forward it to Clary and tell her and the others to meet me there.”

“So you are helping us?” The question was hopeful, excited even, as if Magnus agreeing to help was a welcome surprise, as if Alec really thought he had presented him with a choice. Magnus knew there had never truly been any.

“Yes, I am helping you”, he responded flatly, and if he had put a bit of extra emphasis on that last word, it was lost when Alec pulled the phone away to pass the good news to Isabelle. Magnus hung up before the other had a chance to come back and start thanking him for it.

He stared down at the now black screen of his phone for a moment, feeling drained and unable to think for a while. An unwelcome memory wormed his way into his mind, a fleeting thought he had had a few weeks ago when things were calm and sweet and good and he had been foolish enough to let hope take him over.

Maybe Alexander Lightwood would not break his heart.

Yeah, right.

But now wasn’t the time to wallow in his own self-pity and foolish heart. Now he had a job to do, and a terribly important one at that. Bigger than anything he had had to deal with in the past few years. He couldn’t afford to let himself be distracted now.

Straightening himself up, he thought about what he would have to do and quickly formed a plan and a list of the things he would need to execute it. He opened his phone again and quickly typed in an address and sent it to Isabelle’s phone - trusting they would do as he had requested and pass it on to Clary -, before walking to his supplies cabinet and starting to separate what he would need.

He wasn’t thrilled about having to go against Valentine Morgenstern yet again, but if he could in any way be thankful for the fact a psychopathic maniac was planning to destroy the city, he would. Because at least it gave him something to do, a purpose, it allowed him to slip into a different mindset and just forget about his own problems for a while.

Right now, the High Warlock of Brooklyn was needed.

Magnus Bane and all the cruel angels that owned him would just have to wait.

[moonlight-breeze-44]

Dear Gifter...

Hello, friends! As the year draws to a close, it's that time again for me to enlist in a whole host of Secret Santas to bring everyone some December cheer and hopefully put a lot of smiles on a lot of faces :)

A few of the gift exchanges I've participated in for years are changing their formats for signups this year, so I'm adjusting with them! I decided that, in order to make it easier for my various gifters to know what I like, I'd create this 'Dear Gifter' post to link to them!

So, if you have me for a Secret Santa exchange this year, this next part's for you <3

I've listed some general likes/dislikes, as well as fandom-specific likes/dislikes for the major fandoms I participate in gift exchanges for! If you'd like a list of specific likes for a fandom not mentioned below, just shoot me an ask on anon and I'll post one :)

General Likes:

Angst, hurt/comfort, mental health issues, self-harm, abuse, trauma, nightmares, autistic characters, asexual characters, poly relationships, QPRS, crackfics, college AUs, high school AUs, soulmate AUs, coming out fics, getting together/first kiss, non-sexual BDSM, BDSM AUs, Christmas fics, rarepairs, unrequited love, paranormal AUs

General Dislikes:

Alcohol (**TRIGGER**), smut/NSFW, sickfics, bugs, vomit, extremely detailed gore, physical whump/torture, mafia AUs, royalty AUs

For Shadowhunters:

Likes: Alec Lightwood centric, Autistic Alec, Asexual Alec, any fics that deal with Alec's self-harm, pre-canon fics, Lightwood sibling feels, parabatai feels, worldbuilding (ESPECIALLY in regards to the Fae Realm), HOTI Alec, trans Magnus, Malec, Jalec, Malace, Jimon, Lysabelle, immortal Malec, different first meeting, sub Alec, Dom Magnus, switch Jace, sub Jace, Dom Simon

Dislikes: S3 plotline NOT including the wedding, Inquisitor Alec, good parents Maryse and Robert Lightwood, bad parabatai Jace Lightwood, Clizzy, Luke/Maryse, Dom Alec, reverse AUs

For Leverage:

Likes: Eliot Spencer centric, pre-canon fics, Eliot/Damien Moreau, any fics that explore a fucked up/abusive relationship between Eliot and Damien Moreau, Autistic Eliot, Autistic Parker, ADHD Hardison, trans Eliot, asexual Parker, the OT3, Eliot/Quinn, Nate & Eliot as father/son or master/slave, cooking, botany/gardening, character study, post-canon fics, Leverage team as family, Dom Parker, sub Eliot, switch Hardison

Dislikes: Romantic Eliot/Nate, total AUs (i.e., not within the Leverage universe, such as college AUs), MCD, angst with no happy ending, Dom Eliot, sub Parker, unrequited love

For Detroit: Become Human:

Likes: Reed900, Gavin Reed centric, RK900 centric, Markus centric, reverse AUs, Hank & Connor as father/son, Jericho polycule, Simarkus, romantic Hankcon, Detroit: Evolution/Detroit Reawakening universe, slice of life, case fics, any fics set during the Android Revolution, asexual Nines, agender/non-binary Nines, non-binary Gavin, trans Gavin, Gavin Reed backstory/character study, aromantic Kara, detective/cop AUs, sub Gavin, Dom Nines

Dislikes: Fics that portray Gavin Reed in a bad light, POV Connor, POV Kara, total AUs (i.e. not within the realm of the DBH universe) EXCEPT detective AUs, Dom Gavin, sub Nines

For Criminal Minds:

Likes: Emily Prentiss centric, Jemily, Morcia, Morreid, BAU as family, case fics, Reid's drug use, Emily Prentiss with a self-harm habit, cottagecore/farm life/small town AUs, Autistic Hotch, Autistic Reid, ADHD Emily Prentiss, AuDHD Penelope Garcia, asexual Reid, JJ backstory/character study, infidelity (specifically JJ cheating on Will), pre-canon fics, Momily, kid fics, seasons 3-7

Dislikes: Breakups (except JJ/Will), MCD (angst with no happy ending is totally fine as long as there's no MCD!), events past Season 13

Thank you for reading! Remember, if the information you're looking for isn't here, please don't hesitate to shoot me an ask and I'll be happy to add it :) I hope everyone has a great winter and happy holidays if you celebrate! <3

[thelightofthebane]

through the good and bad and all in between

Summary: Magnus was born a warlock. Magnus became a mundane for love and by self-sacrificing tendencies. Magnus turned into a vampire after an act of spite and revenge.

A story about survival, new identities, love through adversities, and accepting changes.

Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Episode: s03e17 Heavenly Fire, Vampire Magnus Bane, Turned without consent, Major Character Undeath, Immortal to Mortal to Immortal, Magnus Bane Deserves Nice Things, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Good Boyfriend Alec Lightwood, Soft Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Cat & Alec friendship, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Fluff and Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending

Rating: E

Chapters: 10

Words: Around 23k~

This fic was created for the Shadowhunters Mini Bang 2023: Presented by the @malecdiscordserver

You can read it on AO3 or the ninth chapter below ~

Chapter 9 - Would you guide me through all of this again?

“More to the right. No, wait, left. More to the left.”

Slowly, Magnus’ new apartment was being put together. Despite some initial nervousness, he was now very excited, his old self slowly returning and showing all his flair for decor.

Once he decided to move back to New York, it didn’t take too long to plan everything - it also helped to have a very thorough boyfriend who was unable to leave a single dot out of place.

First, there were the vampires. Magnus had to be officially appointed as the leader of the New York clan if he expected to make any real changes. For that, a meeting was scheduled and all vampires presented had to vote. Even Simon and Raphael attended it - nevermind that Raphael was a mundane and technically shouldn’t even been in a vampire den.

However, Raphael was still very much respected by his old peers, and he didn’t need enhanced abilities to make some cower in fear - the boy still had a killer glare. Simon also proclaimed himself as ‘Raphael’s personal bodyguard’, which also gained a hiss and cold glare from Raphael, but Simon seemed to be having too much fun to be discouraged by it.

And there was Lily Chen, who had been the clan’s interim leader since the mess caused by Heidi. Lily had too much respect and adoration for Raphael, and she vowed to rip off the head of any vampire who dared to harm him.

Magnus already adored that woman.

As Raphael had predicted, Magnus easily won the voting. Most of them has been helped once by Magnus or had someone closer who had been. Even the ones who were still fledglings have heard many stories of Magnus Bane, and were in awe with him. It also helped that some of them felt proud to be lead by the former High Warlock of Brooklyn, and wanted to boast it to other minor clans in the city.

Which led to the old political game that Magnus was very much acquainted. He talked to all clan leaders who were willing to listen to him, and even errant ones who preferred to isolate themselves - but Magnus needed to make sure if they really didn’t need any help of some kind.

Then, there was other Downworld leaders - since Magnus became the new Vampire representative for both the exclusive Downworlder Council and the New York Institute’s Downworld Cabinet.

Lorenzo wasn’t much amused, which only delighted Magnus more. Especially during the meetings, when Lorenzo would make a mistake and Magnus corrected him with a very sassy “Actually…” while mentioning some magical theory or talking about a warlock of New York that Lorenzo didn’t know about, but Magnus did in very thorough details.

Magnus might’ve lost his powers and even his identity as a warlock, but he was still full of a knowledge that Lorenzo could only dream to have.

It was also easy to formally introduce himself as a new clan leader for the local Institute's head. Some would say said Head was very much biased.

(Alec Lightwood would never agree nor deny such statement.)

Finally, there was Magnus’ new residence. Taking upon the suggestion Raphael had made, Magnus moved to Hotel DuMort’s penthouse. It was an abandoned place full of dust and cobwebs and a black blob of ichor that looked like some lost demon - it was innofensive though, and Magnus would have adopted it if Chairman Meow didn’t try to lick it.

The wooden boards covering all windows and the living room’s balcony could be removed too since sunlight wasn’t a problem to Magnus anymore. He didn’t try to keep being a Daylighter a secret, and a plausible explanation was necessary. Fortunately, there were no registers of a warlock becoming a vampire, so there were no precedences for his case and it was easy to convince everyone that it was probably just a mix of residual magic and his heritage as the son of a Fallen Angel.

And no, it couldn’t be replicated.

All in all, everything else seemed settled, and Magnus was ready to begin this new phase of his life.

“For fuck’s sake, Magnus! Make up your mind already!” Jace groaned, but shut up upon seeing Alec glaring at him.

It also helped having a group of Shadowhunters with runes to carry boxes and clean the entire place.

“Fine, fine. It’s good there. You can put it on the floor.” Magnus pouted, but he was still very pleased with himself.

While Alec and Jace were busy moving the furnitures, Clary was painting the walls and Isabelle was putting the ornaments, books and utensils in place.

For now, Magnus was only giving orders and being pretty.

He deserved that.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door, and everyone stopped what they were doing.

“It must be Simon. He told me he was coming,” Izzy snickered, already going to the front door to open it.

“Who invited the vampire?” Alec huffed.

“Hey!” Simon gasped, poking out his head from behind a pile of boxes and bags.

“Alexander, I’m one too now,” Magnus tutted, but there was humor sparkling in his eyes.

“I brought food, okay? Pizza for the Shadowhunters, and Taki’s Vampire dishes for me and Magnus. Maia even sent a bottle of that cocktail you loved from the last time, Magnus.”

“The one with vodka, O-, a double shot of AB+ and two drops of plasma?” Magnus perked up, grinning broadly.

“Yep. She is always saying how you are her best customer and she doesn’t mind making exceptions for you.”

“I will thank her later.”

They all settled on Magnus’ beautiful mahogany table to eat, all the while chatting about different topics and even gossiping.

“Hey, Magnus,” said Clary after finishing her second slice of pepperoni pizza. “How did you get your things back? I thought they were still in your loft with Lorenzo.”

“Ah,” Magnus smiled in amusement. “I heard that Alec and Cat had a private talk with Lorenzo. I wish I could have seen it. He agreed to send all that belonged to me.”

Clary grinned. “I bet it was a hell of a talk.”

Alec just shrugged, not giving a hint. Jace said he swore parabatai secrecy and Izzy, despite being clearly smug about it, chose to side with her brothers and keep quiet about it.

Magnus knew Cat would be even harder to crack, so he had already accepted that he would never know.

“But the asshole didn’t let us take anything from Magnus’ apothecary. He said that as the High Warlock, he had the duty to keep in his care any magical item that could pose as a threat for mundanes.” Alec rolled his eyes.

“Catarina has already sent a letter to the Spiral Labyrinth’s Council in the hopes to at least grant me the chance to choose whom to give all my work to. But we’re sure that Lorenzo will use the argument that it wasn’t my work but of the High Warlock of Brooklyn.”

“Isn’t this stealing?” Simon frowned.

“Lorenzo thinks it’s his right.” 

Soon it became a full discussion between outraged Shadowhunters and one young Vampire who knew nothing about Warlock laws, but were ready to defend and help Magnus. At some point, it become a tactical plan of finding a loophole in the Accords so they could secretly curse Lorenzo to be bald for the next centuries.

Silly, silly children. All of them.

Magnus could only listen to them and shake his head in fondness, his heart full.

Later, when the penthouse was quieter, Magnus went to the balcony to watch the sunset, the Manhattan skyline painted in beautiful shades of purple and pink and orange.

He easily heard the steps coming from the master bedroom, already used to the accuracy of Vampire hearing, and soon felt two strong arms hugging him from behind.

They stayed like that for a while, just watching as night slowly greeted them, when Alec ultimately spoke.

“Do you miss Brooklyn?”

Magnus thought for a moment, but the answer was already on the tip of his tongue.

“No.”

There, resting on Alec’s arms, their bodies pressed together, feeling his Shadowhunter’s lips ghosting over his skin, Magnus let go for once.

“I’m already home.”

~*~

No no no no.

It hurt. It hurt too much.

Stop.

Please, stop.

“...gnus.”

Don’t, please.

Don’t do this.

I’m begging you.

No.

“...Magnus…”

I’ll be good. I promise, I promise.

No.

Not my neck.

Stop.

Don’t touch me.

Don’t.

No.

Please.

Please.

Please.

“Magnus!”

“DON’T!”

Magnus opened his eyes and sat abruptly, throwing a blanket away. He was shaking like a leaf, and if he still had a beating heart, it would certainly be thumping like crazy inside his chest.

A nightmare.

Again.

Magnus was no stranger to bad dreams, but they got worse since his death. It wasn’t only about his mother or stepfather anymore. It was Asmodeus. Edom. Camille.

Getting killed again and again and again.

It was waking up under the ground and desperately searching for a way out.

It was Camille’s voice and touch and her hands killing him.

“Magnus…” Alec called softly. When Magnus turned his head towards him, he saw his fiancé’s hands hovering in the air, earning to touch but waiting for Magnus’ consent.

Alec’s eyes were soft, understanding.

Magnus wasn’t the only one battling nightmares.

Alec, too, had his bad nights. He would dream of being there when Magnus was killed, but unable to do anything to save him. Or being back in that hole, falling, burning, dying. All the while, Camille’s taunting voice laughing in a mocking symphony, reminding him that he lost and Magnus was gone.

They were such a pair.

“Same one?”

Magnus nodded, still shaken.

But now, when one or both of them woke up in terror, they knew how to act and help. It took some time, but they’d learned in the worst way that bottling things up would only make any open wound fester, pushing the other away. Thus, they started to compromise. 

Sometimes they talked. Sometimes they kept in silence, being a quiet supporter to the other.

Sometimes they would go to the kitchen to make a warm tea for Alec and warm blood-infusion tea for Magnus. Sometimes they simply stayed in bed and cuddled until a new day started.

This time, though, Magnus felt doing neither. He had too much restless energy to stay still, to stay inside. It was like all the walls were closing him, keeping him trapped.

Buried.

He shivered. 

“I… I think I’m going for a run.” Magnus barely finished, and he was already out of bed, going to his closet to change clothes.

“Can I go with you?”

“I don’t want to go slow, Alec. I really need to run, and you won’t be able to keep up with me. Vampire speed, you know.”

“Are you sure about that?” Alec arched an eyebrow. He picked up his stele from the beside table and twirled it between his fingers. “I do have a speed rune.”

This time, it was Magnus who arched an eyebrow.

“Are you sure?”

“You’re on, Mr. Bane.” Alec challenged before getting up from the bed and activating the rune on his left inner forearm.

And despite all the exhaustion, all the lingering fear and all the pain…

Magnus genuinely smiled.

~*~

Alec sighed as soon as he left the portal and stepped into Alicante. He hasn’t been in the City of Glass since Jonathan almost destroyed it. After months, everything seemed in order now, and the Nephilim lived as if nothing major really happened.

So, when Alec got an official fire message from the Consul’s office, requesting his presence that same day for an important meeting, he started to wonder if another world-ending disaster was about to happen.

At least he hoped there wasn’t a new Valentine on the loose somewhere.

But the last thing he expected to hear from Jia Penhallow was an offer to be Inquisitor.

Only years of perfectly masking his reactions that prevented Alec to imitate a fish out of water. 

Saying he was surprised was an understatement.

“Since Imogen was killed, we’ve been keeping a rotation for the Inquisitor position, but none has been worth of it. A lot of more experienced Shadowhunters died during Jonathan Morgenstern’s attack, and most of the younger ones are either too eager and prone to mistakes or haven’t figured out yet how the political scene works. I don’t need amateurs beside me, Mr. Lightwood.”

“But why me? Forgive me my bluntness, Consul, but we both know that I wasn’t exactly in your good radar until recently.”

“That might be as well, but I don’t need to like you to acknowledge how competent you are as leader. Despite the New York Institute seeming to be a magnet for trouble, you’ve been doing a better job than other Heads that have twice your experience in the field. You even managed to make the local Downworlder community work with you.”

“It’s still a work in progress.”

“And yet,” Jia pointed out before crossing her arms over her chest. “We need an Inquisitor with an open mind, Mr. Lightwood. Who will be fair when analyzing a case and who won’t punish innocents. Who will uphold the Accords while keeping the Angels’ mandate. We’re even considering open the borders to allow Downworlders’ entrance - with some rules, of course.”

Alec frowned.

That… That was huge. Allowing Downworlders in Alicante, that weren’t prisoners, was an incredible step forward. Magnus would be able to visit, maybe even live here, too.

And being Inquisitor… His parents would be so proud. Becoming a Head was always in the plans for Alec since he was a child, but getting to the second highest position of the Clave before he was even 30?

But.

“So, what do you say? When can you start?”

He didn’t want.

Yes, he could help bring so many improvements as the Inquisitor. He could even review old cases to check if a Downworld was being kept locked in the Gard unfairly.

Then again…

There was still a lot of things he had to do in New York. The Downworld Cabinet was still taking baby steps - and Alec had plans to expand it for more factions, like the Unseelie and the Selkie -, the Shadow Market was finally opening to Shadowhunters, and they were receiving more Shadowhunters in their traveling year than ever.

And there was Magnus.

That night, his fiancé woke up screaming and writhing on the bed again. Magnus had already endured so many changes in a short period of time. Bringing him to Alicante would be another big change, too soon after the last one. And while Alec knew the vampire would gladly accept for his sake and follow him, he also knew Magnus wouldn’t feel comfortable there.

Not in a place full of people who once despised and hurt him.

And even if they couldn’t physically harm Magnus without breaking the law, words could cut deeper than any weapon.

Alec wouldn’t take the risk.

He wouldn’t let Magnus get hurt again if he could prevent that.

“I’m very grateful for your offer, Consul. But I’ll politely decline it.”

Silence.

Jia scrutinized him as if Alec had lost his mind.

Maybe he had.

But his heart was in the right place to be found.

“You’re something else, Mr. Lightwood. It’s rare for a Shadowhunter to decline a position in the Clave. A great one at that. Even rarer so to do it twice. Some people would do anything to merely be nominated as Inquisitor.”

“And I’m very honored, Consul. But my heart is in New York. I’m certain I can do better there. I’m sure there are many people who would also do a marvelous job as Inquisitor, too. If you allow me, can I make a suggestion?”

Jia sighed, clearly upset, but nodded. “Go on.” 

“She is also from an old family. She is very competent, and I’m sure she will be fair in her judgement. She will know how to deal with the Downworld and create alliances with them.”

This time, it was Jia’s turn to frown.

“Who?”

Alec smirked.

“Lydia Branwell.”

[crescentcityhellmouth-rpg]

arc-one • p r e s e n t

elena is back to her old human self again thanks to the cure. though her relationship with damon ended up lost due to the mind sweep. the memories never came back. she only remembers all of the awful things the eldest salvatore brother has done to her and her loved ones. this gives her a kind of burning hatred for him. currently she is trying to get through college in one piece and stay out of supernatural drama. being a doppelganger surrounded by vampires.. this isn’t going to exactly be easy.

divergent • c o n n e c t i o n s

camille 'cami' o'connell (x)

elena has been seeing a therapist to help restore her memories taken from her and cope with all the trauma she's dealt with all these years. It only might just be awkward to find out this bartender/therapist has a client who has caused elena so much pain in the past.

scott mccall (x)

While attending her college courses she meets a nice, and rather cute boy. Though she doesn't plan on getting any closer to anyone due to the supernatural craziness of her whirlwind life, she may just soon find out they have more in common than she realized. It could put the true alpha in harms way.

jace herondale (x) alec lightwood (x) and isabelle lightwood (x)

when doppelganger blood becomes known to the shadowhunters in New Orleans, they may just find out that its special properties could come in handy for their ultimate goal in severing sire lines and bringing down the original family once and for all.

PLOT • A V A I L A B L E • APPLICATION

[onetimetwotimesthreetimess]

Okay wow, what a chapter! The timelines really worked in tandem so beautifully. A few things:

Alec’s selfless nature

This one has me on a twist cause I get how loving he is and wants the best for everyone. At the same time he can’t just take peoples chance of happiness away cause he’s scared to be the reason for their pain. I love how much he gives of himself for others but I had to see how he hurts himself too. I hope he can realise he doesn’t have to do that anymore. He doesn’t have to sabotage himself and others to feel safe. I realised how much he is still healing too. Magnus’ mental health condition is so obvious that I think sometimes we don’t recognise how much Alec suffers as well. This chapter shows that so well and I was very happy for it. (Please Alec, you’re not the problem. Life is just complicated sometimes. Don’t give up babes)

Malec reunion

Omg our babies finally back in each others arms!!! I’m so glad they got to speak about what happened in the break up and gain some closure. I’m not even mad they slept together at the end because they both needed to admit that what they have isn’t temporary (and never will be). I just hope they can sort themselves out individually so they can find a new stability together. Even if it’s slow and taking time to build themselves back up again. Also low key Chairman and Arrow deserve to be together too

Other things

- Ezra being there to help Alec be better for himself

- Magnus being a Alec Stan by unknowingly wearing his green sweater

- Magnus realising he’s not perfect but he’s come so far with his addiction

- The Lightwood gang supporting Magnus even though Malec aren’t together

- the potential airport kiss we never had but I am slyly advocating for

Thank you for an amazing chapter. I love angst but this one made me both sad and very happy for the honesty of Malec’s imperfections. So excited so see how this all ends!

Much love,

M x

I agree. While Magnus’s mental health issues have been very prominent since the beginning, Alec’s self harm issues were more subtle. I wanted to explore that aspect slowly and very carefully. The same way, Alec’s progress is slower and more invisible. But they are both working on it. I hope I was able to do justice to that.

Malec knows what they have is for forever, it’s just taking them sone time to get there.

Also, Alec-Ezra brotp supremacy. You will see more of him in chapter 14.

Also, I will give you a gorgeous reunion scene very soon.

[duaghterofstories]

*Opens a “fun” soulmate fanfic.*

Fanfic: Yeah, so soulmates have each other’s birth name on their wrist and this guy has no idea he has a different birth name then what he was raised with so when he see his soulmate doesn’t have the name he thought was his on his soulmate’s wrists he thinks he’s a freak and burns his own soul marks off.

Me: Wtf?

[buffyspeak]

there’s a notable (but very understated) miscommunication between alec and clary in 2.05. which is that when he comes to her room to apologize, and she tries to get him to stop - he thinks she doesn’t want to hear it because she blames him. but she told jace not long before that she was tired of people pitying her, speaking in quiet voices and telling her it was okay to grieve.

which is why when he continues she actually hears him out, because that’s NOT what he’s doing, he’s not speaking around the edges of it, he’s facing it head-on. just. “i’m sorry, i would do anything to change it.”

and so would she! so a common goal aligns them!

which is exactly what she’s looking for and why she tells him about her plan to go see iris. which is a plan that is. understandable but a little bit manipulative on her part. in a way that ironically reminds me of what magnus said about jocelyn. because she understands alec’s guilt here and doesn’t (*entirely, i think) agree with it - but also doesn’t say anything to dissuade it because it’s to her benefit.

and i get that she has a lot going on! this is not a clary slander post. i just honestly think it’s a really interesting moment that shifts their dynamic a Lot.

and this miscommunication is why in the very next episode, clary will say she doesn’t blame alec and he needs to stop blaming himself (and it’s notable she says that to izzy and not alec himself), but alec still (likely quite subconsciously) believes she blames him in 2.08 and that’s what drives him to suicide when under iris’s spell.

and it’s why the culmination of this arc isn’t someone confronting alec about his self-harm (which never does get quite properly addressed imho, but at the same time, i understand that that’s hard to do naturally im a genre-show and would probably come off very PSA), but clary and alec having a quiet moment where she tells him she doesn’t blame him, he touches her arm, and they come to a very simple understanding. they’ve been operating under two very different understandings - clary under the assumption that they both know she doesn’t blame him but if he feels guilty anyway, then hey! why not help her try to get her mom back - and alec under the assumption that of course she blames him and trying to help her in 2.05 was all he could do to even start to make up for it. that quiet moment in 2.08 is clary realizing - after seeing alec on the ledge and knowing what he was hallucinating in broad strokes - that her assumption was wrong and realizing that alec needs to hear her actually say it to correct his own assumption. and they come to a new understanding.

(* this is already so long but. (and this is reading into a things a lot) it’s my personal interpretation that while not wholly, some part of clary does blame alec a little. not enough that she would ever say that or that she thinks he SHOULD feel as badly as he does. but she saw the video of ‘alec’ killing her mom. she knows alec and her have had their own issues in the past. she likely knows alec didn’t like jocelyn. it would not be hard (or even totally unsympathetic tbh) to have some amount of resentment toward him for it. so to me, 2.08 isn’t just “oh i never blamed you alec.” it is in that moment choosing to move past any potential blame or resentment she feels towards him that she’s left unsaid, because seeing what he almost did, she realizes not only that he needs to hear it, but that she would rather let go of that feeling than potentially lose another member of her family. because alec IS like family to her, albeit in very different ways than jace or izzy.)

[the-great-lightwood-bane]

starshine and moonlight

Chapter 2 of 4 (Chapter 1 | 3 | 4)

Malec | Rated general | tw implied self-harm

Day 28: Anger Born of Worry | Punching the Wall | Headache

Summary: When Clary shows up, Alec immediately knows she’s trouble. The problem is that nobody else seems to.

A/N: wrote this with a headache and while slightly woozy from catching the flu going around my school. sorry if it doesn’t make much sense ~~~

Read it on AO3 or below the cut.

When Clary shows up, Alec immediately knows she’s trouble. 

The problem is that nobody else seems to. Jace is enamoured with her, of course — she’s unusual, she’s interesting, Jace clearly thinks she’s pretty, and she shares Jace’s act-first-think-later approach to, well, everything. Izzy’s delighted to have another girl her age around who’s willing to dress up with her and go to clubs. Both of them easily look past every red flag, every problem she causes, every manipulative tear she sheds. 

Alec’s life has always centred around his siblings. He sometimes feels like he’s orbiting them, some sort of satellite, only existing because of them — and now they’re drawn to Clary like she’s a magnet, like she’s a black hole. She’s pulling them in and Alec is helpless to stop the devastation she leaves in her wake. 

The Clave is, of course, breathing down Alec’s neck about the numerous unsanctioned missions that they’ve been going on: the Silent City, the raid on the Hotel Dumort, the rave where they met Magnus Bane, the trip to Magnus’ loft where Alec’s shortcomings prevented Clary from getting her memories back, Clary’s trip to her old apartment, the rescue mission to get her back from the werewolves — there’s plenty of material there for the Clave to discipline Alec for, and he truly can’t blame them for it. He’s made all the wrong decisions, chosen all the wrong things, failed to stop his siblings from running off and doing whatever they wanted. 

He can’t blame Clary for it, either. She’s young, she’s hurt, she’s desperate to find her mother; prioritising family above all else is something Alec is very familiar with, and he’s not mad at her for doing that. He’s a bit mad that she’s refusing to learn anything more about their world, that she’s insistent in her belief that her way is the right way, but it’s not really her fault that she thinks like that; Alec can lay the responsibility squarely at her mother’s door. These disasters are because of her arrival, but she as a person isn’t at fault. 

No more can he blame his siblings. He’s angry at them, yes, but the anger is born of the worry that needles through his veins — worry because he’s absolutely terrified of what the Clave could do to them. He’s protected them from the consequences of their actions for as long as he can remember; he’s done his best to let them grow up happily, without feeling the weight of expectations that sits on Alec’s shoulders like a stone. They don’t understand why he makes the choices he’s made, why he protests their decisions, because he’s tried so hard to protect them from that knowledge — but all his attempts to protect them aren’t enough. 

Izzy and Jace complain that he follows the rules too much, that he needs to let loose. The Clave retaliates viciously whenever he does as his siblings ask, which is often; he takes punishment for their transgressions as is his due. He couldn’t be enough for both of them at once, couldn’t meet the Clave’s demands and those of his siblings. 

He chooses his siblings over the Clave whenever he can, whenever he isn’t risking derunement to do so, but they still don’t listen to him, don’t take his opinions into account. They still see him as the stick-in-the-mud who doesn’t want them to have fun. They don’t realise that all he’s ever wanted is to give them a chance to have fun, a chance he’s never had. 

It doesn’t matter. The important thing is that he can’t persuade them to be cautious, to cooperate with the Clave and avoid worse consequences. The important thing is that he isn’t enough to protect them — and protecting them has always been his job. He’s failed. 

He’s spinning around them in circles, trying to deflect every harm that comes their way, but he can do nothing to help them as they’re pulled in turn into Clary’s orbit, where they’ll meet the same fate as her, whatever that may be. 

Alec’s siblings are going to break against the walls the Clave places in their way, and it’s all Alec’s fault. 

~

The Clave’s sent an envoy to investigate the Institute, to find somebody to blame for the chaos that’s engulfed New York. Alec’s been kicked out of his office and his position as Acting Head thanks to his parents’ presence, which leaves him with still less ability to solve problems than he had before. Not that he’d ever been particularly good at solving problems. 

He goes up to his room after Lydia arrives, sits on his bed and tries to breathe through the anxiety clouding his mind. His head is aching as it always seems to be, these days, and he doesn’t know what to do. 

He stands up, pacing around the room in circles. That’s all he can do, go in circles, trying and failing and trying and always always failing. Perhaps it’s more a spiral than a circle, going down down down, falling away, falling apart, falling to pieces. 

The Institute is made for violence, all cold stone and steel and reinforced glass. He used to try to break things when he was angry. Eventually he realised that the first thing to break was always himself. He kept trying to break things, letting his blood wash away everything else. It’s probably not healthy, but it works, and that’s really about all he can ask for. 

So when he turns and slams his fist into the wall, no dent forms, no mark on the cold surface. He feels the bones in his hand break under the Shadowhunter strength — he still has a rune activated, he realises belatedly. His hand is bleeding, a drip-drip-drip of red on the floor. The bones and joints are mangled. He’ll need a bone-setting rune as well as an iratze to heal it. Stupid, punching the wall like that; the two new runes will only push him closer to rune exhaustion, and he’s already swaying dizzily on the precipice. 

He wants to sink into the pain, but the longer he waits, the greater the chances that Jace will realise that something’s wrong through the bond. Probably Jace won’t notice anything, too caught up in whatever he’s doing now, but there’s always a chance, and Alec will spare him any pain he can. 

The runes burn against his skin, and all the pain of his broken hand returns as it knits itself back together. Alec closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. 

Then he leaves his room, to go to whatever he can, to try again even when he knows he’ll fail. 

He’s not enough, but that doesn’t mean he’ll stop trying to be.

[normal-thoughts-official]

We need more MIND CONTROL ANGST in this fandom give me Alec hurts Magnus and for a split second Magnus is just shocked with this feeling of "alec... hit me?" And even tho he very quickly realizes something is wrong it just feels so wrong and painful and later when Alec is unwhammied hes so guilty he doesn't want to even touch Magnus but that's what Magnus needs most rn, touch and affection and reassurance and comfort, cue misunderstandings and more angst before the ultimate happy ending :)

again, ur mind........ the talent in this.... *girl in porn voice* it's so big

also this is tagged but just to make sure, trigger warning for mind control, abuse/child abuse mentions, self harm

ok maybe it starts like... they are together and alec has a headache or something as the control kicks in or something and he falls to the ground and magnus runs after him like what happened? and alec's like "something's wrong, magnus, stay away" but magnus is too worried so he doesnt listen and he touches alec and alec hits him

and for a second he thinks it's because he went too far and touched alec without consent and his mind is flashing with asmodeus and his words when he hit him, and memories and for a second he barely knows where he is and what is happening and who is who. and because this is happening slowly alec screams "something is controlling me!" because he knows soon he'll be like possessed completely and he wants to apologize but he knows it's more important to let magnus know what's happening first. and sure enough soon a Demonic Voice overtakes him and his alec is obviously gone

and it's quickly resolved because magnus is 1- smart, and 2- powerful, and clearly the spell whomstever was using on alec was not super strong lmao. maybe someone who was trying to get to magnus for some reason? so like, extra spice because magnus feels guilty - he knows all too well what it's like to be forced to do things you don't want to do, to see yourself as a monster, to have nightmares about being forced to hurt the people you love- 

and alec of course is drowning drowning drowning in guilt as well because he hurt magnus, it's the one thing he remembers before losing control, he hurt magnus when he was supposed to protect him, and he knows magnus has history with abuse, and he could clearly see the way that magnus lost himself in a flashback for a second, he triggered him and he became the people he had always sworn he'd never be, that he'd help him forget, and he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus he hurt magnus

and he feels so stupid because he hadn't even realized something was wrong before it was too fucking late, and he had enough control to scream at him, but not to hold himself back? what kind of bullshit is that? he feels like a failure and he blames himself and he wants to scratch his own skin off, make himself bleed because he failed the one person he loved the most, again, and he doesn't deserve magnus if he can't help him

so basically like as soon as magnus manages to undo the spell and they are done Finding The Culprit and Resolving The Plot alec is just like. completely retracted in himself. already scratching his hands in a similar way to what he did when magnus was in the hospital, fists tight and hurting, and usually magnus would notice that, but all he sees is the rage burning within alec, that terrifying anger that he shows sometimes and after alec hurt him... it's scary

and because the person who did this was trying to get to him, he feels like that's his fault, too. he dragged alec into this mess and he was too much again, and he's nothing but a burden to the people he loves and he knows how alec feels like he needs to be in control of things, how if he doesn't he loses his footing, and losing control of his body is the most terrifying experience - magnus would know - and he brought this on alec and didn't even notice when he's the warlock, he should be able to have noticed the spell, he could have stopped this whole thing from happening but he didn't and things could have been so much worse, all because he wasn't paying attention as always, and god, he hurt someone he loved, didn't he? again. he's like an omen, bringing pain and death and hurt to everyone around him, he's cursed-

and alec pretty much leaves immediately with some bullshit excuse about needing something, and magnus tries to call for him, but alec is gone in an instant and ignores magnus. and magnus is just unleashing the spiral he had been keeping at bay and contained while he was figuring out the solution for this, and he just had a horrible flashback moment and the voice of his father is running free around his head, telling him everything about how he's not good enough, not powerful enough, how he'll never have anyone because he's a demon and this is what he was made to, to hurt, and he might try to pretend otherwise but in the end it will always come back to this; so he's in a bad mental state to not realize what he otherwise would immediately - alec is blaming himself, of course he is - and just sees that he's angry and leaves. and then he's alone with his thoughts screaming at him that he keeps bringing pain to the people he loves, that he's useless, evil even, that his father was right, that camille was right

and maybe he knows deep down that alec wouldn't blame him for this but he still can't help but think that eventually alec would grow tired of him and why not now? what does magnus even have to offer him, except for baggage and pain?

and he can't help but think, what if it happens again? what if that was just the first time and soon enough alec will become camille just like he always feared his next lover would? and then he feels guilty for even thinking that, because of course alec wouldn't, and this wasn't his fault, and magnus should be able to get over it instead of spiralling like that and acting like alec had done something wrong when he knows alec got the worst position in that situation

and alec is just shooting arrows all night, letting his hands bleed and hurt and also doing his best to train, because he needs to do better, he needs to be stronger and he can't keep letting this happen because last time it was irreversible. and he's thankful this time wasn't like that but this is unacceptable and god, he hurt magnus

he probably only comes back home the next day and magnus doesn't sleep at all that night because fuck, he fucked up. he didn't notice and he let this happen to alec and then he was a baby about it and mentally compared him to camille and basically blamed alec for all of that and alec didn't even come back home. maybe this time he's done forever, maybe alec's tired of him, maybe this will be the one thing they never manage to overcome, because alec will blame himself and magnus can't pull his shit back together to support him, and god alec will blame himself and god last time this happened magnus had to take him off the ledge, and alec promised he would tell him if things ever got that bad but how could alec even trust him right now, what if he's gone, magnus didn't even check up on him, he was too busy worrying about himself like some fucking asshole

and like he knows alec is alive because he can sense him with magic even if faintly but he still has that moment of panic and maybe alec isn't ok and he doesn't know but what right does magnus have to track him down right now? what good could he even do? it would be overbearing and unfair to go after him, alec obviously doesn't want his company right now

so when alec finally comes home the next day magnus is like "alexander" relieved and worried at the same time and he kind of runs to him but alec stays still so he pauses when he stops, hand even hovering mid-air, clearly hesitant and afraid to touch him and alec thinks, he's scared of me, look at what you did, he can't even trust you enough to touch you. and because alec doesn't touch him either and just seems closed off, magnus thinks, you can't fix this. it's all your fault and he'll never open up to you again. you're done

and then more guilt because he thinks, alec is not camille, he's not withholding touching me as punishment, why can't i stop acting like this is his fault? what's wrong with me? just talk. but he can't because he's terrified and there's so much going on in his head and then he feels worse because he can't just do the right thing and communicate, again, when clearly he should be the one to bring this up and make sure alec knows it wasn't his fault, and apologize for not being there for him

and maybe alec has that moment of "maybe i should just... go" and then magnus tries to stop him like "no, don't, please" because he's scared if this goes on for longer he'll just spiral harder and then he'll lose alec for good. and in the process he touches alec and alec recoils like he's been burned and magnus freezes completely and the sudden movement makes his eyes widen for a second and there's this almost imperceptible flinch and then again the guilt because 1- he touched alec without consent and warranted this reaction; 2- alec doesn't even want to touch him and he could have prevented this; 3- he's acting like alec would just become his abusers again. why the hell did he flinch?

and alec goes "i'm sorry", and magnus almost interrupts in his haste to be like "no, no, no, don't be sorry" almost begging him and that's when it hits alec that magnus has probably been spiralling this whole time too. and he wasn't there for him when magnus obviously needed comfort after such a traumatic experience. fuck he's fucking this up even more

so magnus can see the spiral in alec's eyes and he's like "no, come on, sit down, it's alright" and offers him like tea or something and his hands are shaking a bit because he wants to fix this and they both do really. cue awkward "im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im sorry" "no im-"

anyway they both talk about what they had been thinking and the guilt and the spirals and (in magnus' case) the whole thing about being triggered and not knowing how to deal with that and they clear the air and reassure each other because they are healthy and communicate and we stan that. sometimes just talking about the pain and reassuring each other is enough, you know?

and like alec holds magnus' face tenderly where he had hit him and very slowly leans down to give it a kiss and strokes it a bit and magnus takes alec's hand/fist and gives it a kiss too and slowly heals his knuckles and alec smiles up at him in the way he does and magnus' eyes shine too when he asks "better?" all hopeful like it really matters to him you know

and just alec peppering kisses on magnus' face and magnus kind of nuzzling against his hand and they both get that comfort of touching and knowing that they're still welcomed for each other and they have a Really Long Hug. complete with alec's face buried in magnus' shoulders and magnus clutching him a bit and it's almost smothering for them both but it's what they both need you know. and they whisper to each other "it's ok" and "i love you" and all that nice stuff 👌

anyway this is REALLY LONG so im ending it now im just obsessed with the mental image of alec kissing magnus' face and magnus' kissing his hand bye. also i love this ask ugh we stan mind control angst

[malec-ao3feed]

People Disappear Here

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/2NoYtHX by AceOnIce Asmodeus has offered Magnus a deal: bring him the other ruler of Edom, and Asmodeus will undo the curse binding Magnus' magic, allowing him to finally escape. When Alec killed Lilith, he inherited her throne, leaving him trapped in Edom as the realm turns him into something that can survive its harsh climate. If he wants to avoid becoming a demon, he'll need the help of a warlock no one has seen in nearly two decades. Words: 1510, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Shadowhunters (TV) Rating: Mature Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M Characters: Magnus Bane, Asmodeus, Alec Lightwood Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Magnus Bane in Edom, Self-Harm, Bad Parent Asmodeus (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Demons, Alternate Universe - Hell, Edom Angst (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Angst, Trapped, Trapped in hell together, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Suicide Attempt, I don't think this fic is as dark as these tags make it seem but read with some caution? read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/2NoYtHX

[harkasun]

Chapter Seven: That Drowning Darkness

Sneak Peek:

“Why are you doing this?”

Alec glances back to the main room, his eyes narrowed in sympathy. “Do you have to ask that…? I feel your pain. I feel every time you do this to yourself… I could never just stand by and do nothing.”

“Why not?” Magnus presses and Alec hears the tears in his voice. “Would it go against your strict moral compass? Your Lightwood pride won’t sway me, Alexander. If you’re pretending to care for me so you can please your parents—”

“Stop it!” Alec snaps, tired of his careless attitude, and Magnus falls uncharacteristically silent. “You are my warlock and I’m your familiar. Claimed or not, our souls are bound. I have to protect you, do you really not understand that? If I don’t have you, I don’t have anything and I’ve had nothing for too long.”

Read chapter seven on Ao3

Or, read from the beginning on Ao3