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of-faunsandyellowflowers · 4 years

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Hello! I saw that you posted about working with Cernunnos, and I'm interested in working with him honestly, but there's one problem. I'm Chronically Ill, and have been bed bound almost all day, so I'm worried about how good of a devotee I can be when fatigued or depressed. Do you think Cernunnos would be alright with a Chronically Ill follower, and how he might even be able to help? And do you have any ideas for how to worship him while having little energy? Thanks so much, I appreciate it!

Hi! I get this question a lot from people actually. I'll post this one publically so ppl can see. This is going to be long! I apologize for that.

First and foremost: disabilities/chronic illness are NOT an issue for most deities/spirits that help guide is. There are some who are very old and quite unwilling to interact with humans due to past grievances or trauma that these souls have endured, but it's not a disability thing.

This is something that many many many of us here on earth experience (myself included, I am autistic with adhd, major depressive disorder, PTSD and major anxiety alongside IBS, Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome). I get this question a lot, and I've had this question myself.

Cernunnos (link to my long post about it which also mentions this) actually has a soft spot for chronically ill people and adores helping comfort them and bringing them guidance. You do not need to worry about this being a burden within your work. Theres SO many ways to practice magick, ritual, meditation and be a devotee to a god even when this way. I'm a dark forest/green witch (non wiccan) and I'm also a kitchen witch. These forms of magick bring me the most comfort and work best for me. Find the types you are drawn to, and incorporate them into your day. It doesnt need to be big. Divination, for example, is a good way to communicate with your gods when you are unable to meditate. Little things are just as impactful as the large ones and require minimal effort. Make tea with certain ingredients and enchant a spell for it....etc.

The first piece of advice I can give you is to get yourself into the mindset that you are, and shall always be good enough for a god to help guide you. This will not only raise your vibrations but will also set you on the path that you need to be. I fall back on this sometimes. This doesnt mean become conceited. We still need to show respect to these divine beings and when they offer guidance, be nice. DO NOT demand things.

Second, meditation is INCREDIBLE. it does NOT need to be some in depth 'find your soul' type meditation. With adhd, I have an awful time trying to concentrate. One thing Cernunnos has told me is that I must take my own time, and be patient. Even 5 min a day helps. Meditation opens you up to spirit more, grounds you, and makes it easier to do spirit work the more you do it and the longer tou do it. It is also VERY good way to cope with disabilities as it calms our mind down as well as body.

Third, grounding is 100% needed. This is why I mention meditation, through this you can learn to ground. Grounding is an exercise which literally 'grounds' your soul into your body, calming you and giving you a better base for when you start doing more magick. It's very easy to learn and takes minimal effort.

4th, learn divination. This can be tarot, oracle, pendulum...whatever YOU feel is best. This is the way I normally talk to Cernunnos when my hearing is blocked.

5th, learn how to put up wards. This is mentioned in my Cernunnos post that I put up. A lot of people on here will state you do not need them. Heres the thing, you do. It's not because Gods cant protect us, it's because Gods have SO many people that they work with and theres so much that we as humans? We dont know about. As someone whose been attacked BY a malicious spirit, I can concur you do need wards when you do magick. They also are essential because they teach you defensive magick which Gods would want you to know anyway when you get to the point of travelling in the astral, but that's more advance magick. Anyway how to wards is in that link!

6th, in my link I shared it talks about a lot of ways to get in contact with Cernunnos but I'd like to mention some ways I do it as a chronically Ill person myself. I'll also list ways I personally offer him things.

Meditation outside (not during winter)

Dancing (he adores dancing)

Listening to irish/celtic music

Cooking with his favorite foods

Tarot

Telling him about my day out loud

Telling him I love him, thanking him for his guidance

Wearing his pendant.

Singing in irish

I'd also like to note that Cernunnos has such a soft spot for his disabled devotees, he will literally yell at you sometimes if you are pushing yourself too hard or being disrespectful to your body in anyway. And some warnings: if you choose to work with him you HAVE to be respectful to nature. This doesnt mean be vegan. Cernunnos adores meat, you just need to honor it. Always give an offering or ask a plant prior to picking. Make friends with your local fae (just offer them things to keep the peace), talk with your trees. Be kind to the earth. That is his #1 rule when working with him. I've seen him get furious over trees be cut down too soon. He hates how corrupt our world has become.

He loves us, but he wants us to respect ourselves, our home, and so forth.

Again I hope this helps and you guys are always welcome to reach out to me about him!

#cernunnos #celtic pagan #paganism #celtic paganism #disabled witch #spirit work #witchcraft #pagan #celtic pagans #kernunnos #pan #forest god #horned god

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uwuowotf2waslife · 4 years

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Mercs reaction to coming back from a long away mission and finding out s/o had been cuddling into his left behind shirts/blankets bc it smelled like him and they missed him so much it was the only way they could sleep?

this isnt a headcanon, this is a canon if i ever saw one

Scout: my boy always gets extra exhausted after a mission, so he just gets into his& S/Os room and plops in the bed without looking,probably still in his work clothes. At some pointin the night, he will wake up to use the loo. Returning he sits down and feels something funny under his butt, it isnt soft like a bedsheet and it feels somewhat familiar. He scoops it up and inspects it..it feels excactly like one of his shirts...now,maybe...he searches with his hands a bit more and he feels more of his clothes like a blanket around you. His heart has officialy melted and he needs to contain himself from jumping onto you and hugging the light out of you.He will spoon you and kiss your shoulder, prepare to be drown in kisses and affection, he wont stop untill your or his bladder is about to burst

Soldier: he might be the messiest but he always cleans after finising a mission. After he has done a shower and scrub all that mud and blood from him , he puts a nice pair of pyjamas trousers and hes about to hit the bed when he releases you are on his bed- thats fine you have been together for a while and lowkey he loves to sleep next to you, your heartbeat lulls him-but you are holding onto something. He turns the light in the hallway and opens the door slighlty so he can look but it wont wake you. Its his jacket, the red one he ussualy wears to battle...congratulations, you are now his waifu material. He closes the light and carefully slips on the bed next to you, softly he pulls the jacket off you and snuggle you, he even gives you soft forehead kisses.

Pyro: they never take off their suit, only for bathing and they are sure to always have at least 2 spares in case something happens to the one their wearing.Their suits inside smells like hell, but they change it once the smell gets too much and bathe everyday with special soaps and make sure they wash their suits once everyday other day.So the one time they cant find their spare, they are having a mild panic attack. They are running up and down the base, trying to find it; it cant be gone, when they left for the mission they made sure they had a spare in their closet.They are about to hold Scout on gunpoint to confess but they have an idea, they havent looked at S/Os room. They drop Scoutand go to S/Os room...they see them all cuddled up with their spare...theyknow they should be angry, but they can’t. Their suit is like their skin,and seeing you cuddling it, it makes them sniffle a little. You missed them so much, you took one of their spares and risked to be burned to a crisp by them if they had a bad mindset that day just to be with them.They lock the door behind them and pull of their suit - something they do when you are alone- and gently rock you awake. You smile at them and pull them to lie with you on the bed and they oblige. Que soft make out with they rub circles on your arms and hands.

Engie: its very rare for him to go for missions, but when it happens it happens he guesses. He isnt that exhausted but his back hurts from being crouched all day so some lying down would do him some good. He opens his rooms doo and he yeets the goggles out of his eyes- you aresleeping on his bed wearning his flanel shirt and holding one of his shirts in your chest.He curses himself for not having a polaroid but damn hun, how can you be so damn cute? He undresses as fast and quiet he cans and softly scoots you over a bitso he can cuddle you...he has a funny idea and pulls one of the bundle of the shirts over him. He basically makes himself a lump covered with shirt and trousers. He pinches you so you wake up, look around mumble something and pulling the shirt lump closer you..but wait why is it heavy and why is it warm...you pull your face closer to look at it better and suddently two strong pair of arms come and hold you. You scream and almost jump off the bed but he keeps you there and peppers your face with suprose and swrry kisses.

Demo: after every succesfull mission, its a known fact that Demo gets plastered. So either Heavy or Soldier will yeet him on his bed because they want the sofa for themselves to watch a movie. S/O of course wakes up and holds him in a position where he is least likely to vomit or drool. During his sleep, they get more and more tangled together. He wakes up by a throbbing headacke and try to block the sun with the first thing his hand finds. You stir next to him and bring him some water and painkillers. He glups it down without even openinghis eyes and pulls you down for some more cuddles. Once the painkillers kick in he opens his eye and realises his been using his own shirt asa blindfold, so he throws it away and suprise, he is lying on and is tangled by his own clothes...was he that plastered? but you jus tsaid Heavy yeeted him here, so that means..aww you sweet lil bunny, he is pulling you in for a tight hug and gives you a soft kiss.

Heavy: he isnt that tired, but after so many hours in an airplane his legs hurt so much and no matter of stretches will help. He really needs to lie down. He knocks on the door and waits for a respond, you just mumble a ‘come in’ so he opens the door and steps inside. His heart explodes right here and there. You are the cutest thing he has ever seen in his entire life, all wrapped up in his sweater. He pulls you up and swings a bit, holding you against his chest, You mished old Misha so much you wore his clothes to sleep? Well, now ,from now youll sleep on Mishas chest to never miss him again.

Medic: he is about to collapse,so he does the only logical thing that comes to mind; wash his hands, take off his shoes and pass ou thappily oh his bed with his S/O by his side. He gets all comfy and hes about to spoon when he feels something different on his S/O, that weirdly feels like one of his medical robes. He has a smug smirk on his face but he is way too tired to do anything silly so he rubs your shoulder and pulls you for a cuddle. You wake up and feel Medic sprawled on the bed next to you-hes a huge blankethog-so you give him a small kiss and snuggle a bit closer only for him to pounce and get you under him. “ You missed me so much schwatz, now you can wear me too” he gives you small kisses on both the head and the nose.

Sniper: he is no stranger to missions, he always liked extra work- keeps his mind sharp and his aim even sharper, but hed be a liarif he said he didnt miss you...perhaps way more than you think. He even semi-jogs his way to his S/O room, because his heart is pounding so hard he feels its gonna pop out of his chest. His mind is full of insecurities, why the lights are closed, why you arent on the common room? maybe you gotbored of him, maybe you found...the trail of thought chokes him so much he doesnt see you on the bed...but holly molly, he takes of his glasses and desperately tries to find his polaroid in his bag and snap a few pics of you. You are his angel, so pure and wrapped in his trusted rugged flannel shirt. Once hes satisfied he pets your hair and rubs your cheek untill you wake up. Then he lies on top of you and gives you lots of kisses and soft nothings. You kiss him back and just drown in his affection.

Spy: its not uncommon for him to leave for missions here and there, more than the other mercs. He isnt that tired,but he needs a bit of a lying down after a long flight and barely enough nicotine to keep him sane. He leaves the dufflebag on one of his couch in his smoking room and gets in the shower. He wonders where you are, but figures maybe you have some work or you are out for errands or something. Once his done, he puts a new balaclava and hes about to go for a nice nap when he notices you sprawled up with one of his work suits snuggled on your chest. Call him soft, call him an old romantic dilf, but this dilf smiles from ear to ear. You missed him so much, you slept with his suit...he means that much to you? he really wants to wake you up with kisses but he decides to just light a cigarrete and absorb the view. Once hes done, he lies next to you and pulls the shirt away from you, and just wraps his limbs around you and lets you snuggle on his chest. You mumble his name and then just snuggle tighter, yeap his heart has shattered. He gives you a soft kiss on the crown of the headand mumbles some apologises.Please hold him, he is having a small breakdown.

#tf2 imagines #tf2 headcanons #tf2 x reader #all #so #fluff to cure the sad #this is so wholesome #tf2 fandom

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eucanyon · 4 years

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·ﾟ☀ i am so hype to be here nobody gets it and even MORE hype to be bringing my baby boy canyon ....... i already can feel that everyone is absolute chef’s kiss and i cant WAIT to plot w u all ! my name is 𝐭𝐞𝐝𝐝𝐲 , utilizing she / her pronouns and knowing nothing about percy jackson but trying my absolute best . i do prefer dis.cord for plotting so if you’d like to swap users that’d be grand , without further delay ( i googled if it was ado or adieu but apparently it’s all wrong throw the whole phrase away ) below the cut you can read a bit about canyon !

⟨ MASON GOODING. CIS MAN. HE / HIM. ⟩ though the mist might prevent some from seeing it, 𝐂𝐀𝐍𝐘𝐎𝐍 𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐒 is actually a descendent of ZEUS. it’s still a question of whether or not the TWENTY - TWO year old PRE-LAW from CHICAGO, USA has taken after their godly parent completely, but the demigod is still known to be quite 𝐅𝐎𝐑𝐌𝐈𝐃𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄 & 𝐒𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐑𝐄 .

— 𝐁𝐈𝐎 .

‘ you gotta work twice as hard to be half as good . you gotta be twice as good to get half the recognition . ’

it’s the earliest phrase he remembers hearing . his grandparents , a duo running the local church services just a block away from their chicago inner city apartment , fill the shoes left by a mother who left her wedlock-born son in the hands of people more capable than she and a father nobody had ever met . his clothes come from the church donation bin and his toys are hand-me-downs from neighborhood kids outgrowing their phases . he pays for football like most of the boys on his team , camped out in front of grocery stores and shopping malls with a bell and a collection bucket with a nervous spiel of “ please help us earn new pads for our football team ” spewing from each child the moment they make eye contact with anyone sympathetic enough to turn their way .

canyon’s held to a higher standard than the neighborhood kids . he comes home before it even starts to turn dark , he has a closet full of perfectly ironed shirts that he tucks neatly into his waistline every sunday morning , he calls anyone that even looks a few years older than him sir or ma’am . he spends afternoons in a rigid schedule : help grandma cook and clean , football practice , homework , and a half hour of television before bed . he gets a choice , if he wants to invite the neighbor’s kids over for that sliver of free time , or keep it to himself . it was a source of embarrassment for him at first , to have a bedtime matching that of his elderly caretakers , but after a certain point , it becomes a source of pride for canyon — he’s lauded by teachers and coaches alike as the best behaved and most respectful ( albeit , also the quietest ) boy of any group he inhabits .

he struggles in school at first , and not simply in the social element . his teachers express concern by his absolute silence , but given that he answers questions and doesn’t cause any issues for them , concerns are brushed off . his handwriting leaves much to be desired and his literacy skills are behind his grade expectations , but he excels when offered oral options for responses and follows logic like a champ . though his grandparents can’t quiet afford a formal tutor , but his teachers offer a bit of informal help in the often time that his grandparents run late to pick him up . they note to his grandmother that canyon is a workhorse , putting in much more work than what is asked for and seeing a steady improvement in his grades due to this . she’ll smile , and canyon will repeat their mantra in his head on the way home .

his mom appears every few months over major holidays , bag of trinkets in tow . canyon quickly learns that ignoring the toys means she’ll talk more to him than about him to his grandparents as if he’s not there , curling up in her lap like a cat vying for her attention . he shoves straight - a report cards and mvp trophies into her hands as long as he can remember , one thanksgiving she comments on his hair getting too long and by christmas he’s gotten it shaved clean . every comment she makes he squeezes for some semblance of recognition , a baby bird screaming out to a blinded parent : ‘ see me , i’m here . see me , if only this once . ’

his father is a forbidden topic in the house and his mother skirts around conversations of him , which bothers canyon , but his community is that of a village - raising mindset . older brothers become mentor figures , uncles become surrogate fathers , grandfathers pass down tokens of wisdom . it seems no household is truly ever without the nurture of a parent figure , and canyon grows up acutely aware of how lucky he has it in his little apartment complex telling the story to himself every night : a mother who loved him enough to give him the life he deserved , a father clearly not worthy of being in the picture . canyon , a boy with the bare minimum , sees it as more than enough .

a pudgy , quiet child following a robotic schedule doesn’t quite inspire the vision of a progeny to the king of the gods . canyon’s only friends are the ones he’s grown up with and the cousins subbing in as the siblings he was never given , his grandmother being perhaps the first person he tells anything to . but he can’t bring himself to open up when his mother begrudgingly confides a secret in him , taking him out for ice cream as an early birthday gift . he has half a mind to let his grandma know she showed up to her visit under the influence , high off whatever would make her deranged enough to tell canyon his father is a shapeshifting greek god who will be reaching out to him to hone his powers in a few days — but he quickly realizes that snitching would mean even less time spent with a mother who already only sees him in minimal increments . as with everything in life , he keeps it to himself , a move that would pay off when he’s approached by perhaps the most terrifyingly imposing man he’s seen in his life at a church service the day before his birthday .

his father is , despite all the obvious flaws , perhaps everything canyon has dreamed of becoming . they talk briefly during the service and make official introductions before he escapes into the day , promising to return and explain more in time . and he does . canyon’s sure to keep to himself who he’s quietly chatting with in the back pews every sunday , but he and his father talk at length in the relative secrecy of hushed voices in a boisterous sermon . the man doesn’t explain much about how he met canyon’s mother , nor what he does in general , but fills in all the gaps left by his mother’s erratic attempt at a conversation . the man buys canyon a new set of cleats for his birthday and notes to him that he can continue to fill in the gaps if he considers spending his summers away . he’ll make it happen , canyon simply has to agree .

and he does . his grandparents are less than thrilled to think that he’ll be away from them for three months and the fact that he’s making a lot of these details up as he goes nearly gets him caught , but his father helps him conceive a ruse so convincing , they’ll be able to leave his grandparents out of the whole demigod conversation .

and it seems almost as soon as he had found something resembling the parents he so longed for , they leave him perhaps more alone than before . his mother is jailed for a sequence of bad decisions and zeus makes himself a figure less and less , eventually becoming clear to canyon that he too will skirt along with the bare minimum , claiming him at 13 and tapering off the effort he exerts as canyon begins to make a name for himself throughout the american demigod scene . his camp friends ask if he’s planning to attend eonia and canyon makes it clear that he refuses , a full ride scholarship to howard university the only thing in his sights for the future . he wants to detach himself from the culture being force down his throat by these demigod hypocrites , he wants to be adamant in his pride over being a black american fighting for change .

a change of heart comes perhaps on a whim . his father makes an offhand comment about “ what a shame ” it is that canyon doesn’t see himself as cut out for demigod school . the boy , now every bit a young man after his growth spurts leave him at an imposing 6’3 and football shapes his body into a vessel of solid muscle , commands the energy of every group he’s thrust into , a pillar of his community and recognized as the one who will bring their neighborhood into greatness . driven , intelligent , and powerful , canyon grows into his role as the champion , and it becomes apparent that his father wants to push the vision of his own contribution forward where it counts , and canyon — the one born into nothing , wants to grow into something .

eonia welcomes him with open arms and before he even opens his mouth , it’s apparent that he carries himself like the son of a king : though he is quick to distance himself from his father who he had once so - idolized . in his head , he sets out to become something notable without the need to precede himself with his father’s name ; canyon is a force of nature all by his own creation , and he refuses to credit his own well - earned accomplishments to a father who was hardly that . he plans to use eonia to close the demigod chapter in his life , hoping he can hone his powers enough to then never use them , hoping to remain solely involved in the mortal world with no mind given to the demigods’ drama . he plans to attend law school directly upon graduating and become the next spearhead of a political movement with the goal of true justice for all disenfranchised people in mind .

— 𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 .

canyon ellis has made a name for himself despite his relative silence , a reputation preceding him even without the influence of his godly father’s name behind him . if anything , canyon represents what the ancient greeks perhaps idolized zeus to be — minus the hedonism that brought upon so much of the chaos plaguing his tales . a boy brought into the bare minimum becomes a man making due with the bare minimum , and canyon is known for a rhetoric that can prove a point out of anything . he’s an introvert in extrovert’s shoes , often spotted around teammates or other members of his clubs though he’s oft the last to say a word , choosing instead to observe in silence with those intense stares he’s become so well - known for . intimidating is perhaps an understatement when you pair his stature with his energy , the strength in his reservation and the discipline in his blood , standing tall and unwavering in his beliefs . he speaks with intention and though he’s most known for his serious side , he carries himself with a humble confidence that allows him to speak his truth with ease and stand up for what he believes in most , unafraid to call out those on the other end of his remarks . though he’s stern and admittedly reserved , he’s not shy , and pushes himself to reach beyond his areas of comfort in order to truly live up to the expectations he places on himself : expectations that are perhaps too high for him to realistically achieve in this lifetime .

though intense , canyon has a soft spot for those closest to him and though he won’t be the one stirring up the entertainment , he’s often biting back a smile at the antics of his loved ones , one of his catch phrases being “ i get the joke , i’m just not laughing because it’s not funny , ” followed by a pat on the head . he’s stern but not entirely humorless , kind but no - nonsense , and tends to hold himself to a certain standard of seriousness in most circumstances . he’ll let loose on the occasional night out , but there’s a sense of tension to him that seems clearly prepared to leap back into his leader shoes and fix whatever disaster may present itself . a projection of strength , poise , and dignity , canyon’s aptitude for leadership is equally his greatest strength and his biggest weakness , imbuing him with a moral compass and a sense of empathy that sometimes makes the world too black and white for him , refusing to see any circumstances that may complicate or excuse something .

his views on loyalty are severe and have left him with a handful of people he’s all but erased from his life , burning bridges without second thought though many in his circle advise him to reconsider . there’s right , and there’s wrong in his world , with nothing in between despite the fact that sometimes , there isn’t as clear cut of an answer as he claims there to be .

pair this with the trauma of his abandonments during the upbringing he faced and it comes together to result in a boy walking in a man’s shoes , fingernails digging into palms with the fever of all the words he bites back , fueled by a crusade for justice to give him some sense of worth — perhaps the only thing holding him together at this point .

— 𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂 .

AESTHETIC : uphill runs fueled by answer by tyler the creator blaring through your headphones , the perfectionism of a virgo and tenacity of a taurus , falling asleep to the swan by camille saint saens , vision obscured by hot tears , the flex of your jaw as you bite back a comment , the unsettling rumble in the air just before the strike of thunder , kendrick lamar blasting from your classic mustang , picking up the pieces of a shattered porcelain bust , the primal sense of connection in a team huddle , thunderous pounding of your pulse in your ears , being voted “ most likely to become president , ” a wide stance with arms crossed over your chest , power drawn from unity , never division .

my inspos for him were chiron / black from moonlight , erik killmonger from black panther , and batman lmao . i guess maybe some steve rogers ?

he’s the captain of the rugby team !

grew up playing football but the moment he casually played a rugby match at camp and interlocked into a scrum was the moment he was forever converted and has loved the sport ever since . he plays as a lock .

as a pre - law student , he’s in mock trial , as well as in the social justice collective . he is vice president of the black student collective and is an active and passionate member who is outspoken about black identity on campus

#EUINTRO #* ◞ 𝑡𝑒𝑙𝑙 𝐦𝐞 𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝖞𝖔𝖚 𝑔𝑜𝑛’ 𝐝𝐨 𝖙𝖔 𝑚𝑒 . ❪ 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄𝐃 : INTRO .#❪ yes this is a mess no i do not have the brain cells to clean it up #canyon is how i live my vicarious 'i have my shit together' fantasy

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benbantz · 4 years

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Week 17 with long term Covid

Hello to anyone reading this, those I know and those I don’t.

Had Covid 19 now for 17 weeks (or suffering after effects of covid, how ever you want to word it.) Point is had/have Corona and it’s still kicking my arse.

So since my recent facebook update (after being pretty quiet on social media for a while) a couple of peeps have messaged me asking about my symptoms and stuff as (apart from the first 2-3 weeks) I haven't really gone into any detail I just sort of say 'having rough week' or 'things flared up again' etc etc. Without going into too much detail about anything specific. So for anyone interested, and because people have been curious and asking - and as you’ll see is far to detailed to explain person to person (and want to spread the word about long haulers as a lot of people struggling) So it’s just easier for me to have it in one place. For myself more then anything. And if you get anything out of it then that’s great.

Things are just starting to come out about long haulers in the media and on the news and I know people are interested to learn a bit more about it all. So while I’m having a not too bad a time last couple of days I’d thought it’s a good a time as any to go thru all my symptoms. Get them typed out for first time.

And maybe it will be helpful to someone who randomly comes across this post - (thou please don’t use as a guide), every case is different, a lot of similarities and cross overs , but ultimately different Just because someone you know might be having a rough couple of days or experiencing a couple of these symptoms it could be something completely unrelated to covid. (Make sure you check with your GP or call 111 if you think you have covid symptoms long term or otherwise.) I am not a Dr.

Here's a list of everything been going on with me over last 17 weeks. Some experiences have been completely new to me so very hard to explain , some descriptions may sound a little odd , but hopefully you get idea of what I mean! (Also sorry for any grammar mistakes....I dropped out of English A level)

Those who come across this and don’t know me personally know that while this is a (mostly) serious (but hopefully uplifting) post I’m very sarcastic and use dumb humour to deflect from how shit life is at the moment! :-)

So first thing of the bat I'll explain is I've realised in recent weeks it's been easier to think of it as good and bad days/weeks rather then getting better/worse (as in first 10 or so weeks when I thought of it as 'it's getting better' and got in that positive mindset, the kickbacks have obviously beaten the piss out of me mentally as well as physically, as I've had about four big relapses now where I thought I'm on the right track, having a good couple of weeks then bam, I seem to go back to square one for no real apparent reason. So when I say bad day I'm describing when everything amps/flares up again, A few more symptoms go up and the volumes up on high,and likewise a good day is when things seem to be moving in right direction again and I get a bit of a break.(So now I just appreciate them when they come and try make most out of them.) A good day isn’t a symptom free day by any means, it’s just better then the bad ones.

OK so on to my symptoms.

Specific Areas

Chest - Since the first evening it kicked of early March my chest has felt like a giant has had his hand around it - that’s non stop, constant (told you my explanations were weird.)

On the better days it's a very light grip I can get on and do things to a point, but I am always aware it's there. On a bad day it's grip tightens and he squeezes (or his fingers press into a couple of key areas - been pressing on my back a lot last few weeks.) - That’s been non stop and has not gone away since beginning. Thou I do believe its starting to ease a little.

- Chest pain - A shooting pain in my chest (slightly different from description above, feels more like its needles on inside of body. Thankfully these are uncommon, they pop up if I push myself a bit too far one day or if I’m having rougher week.(And it’s not heart related)

Lungs/Breathing - Haven't felt like I've taken in a full lungful of air since beginning, I take a deep breath but only feels like I'm taking in 80- 85% ish (on a good day) 65- 75% ish (on a bad day) - This is week 17 numbers btw, take maybe 10-15% off when it was at worst. I think the best way I can describe it is it feels like there’s a filter or a sieve/strainer at top of lungs, on a good day there’s more spaces available to breathe thru (but still there’s a filter) and on a bad day more spaces close and I'm breathing thru less.

*Thankfully bar the first week where I had to get paramedic out, I haven't been gasping for air, I've certainly had to just lay and just concentrate on only breathing a few times because the filters have closed up a lot more (in the night mostly) especially where my bodies relaxed and I've woken and panicked short of air. Yes that’s as terrifying as it sounds.

- The air I do take in doesn't feel clean or fresh (best way I can describe it is when you go to a zoo and they have a indoor Rain Forrest/safari area .... very that lol) That was constant the first 12 or so weeks (even when getting fresh air outside) thankfully that’s eased a little and not so prominent, still doesn't feel like I’m breathing in fresh air but its not so hot and stuffy and noticing the difference when I go outside now.

Throat/Mouth - Burning/inflamed mouth - This is by far been the most uncomfortable/hardest for me to ignore and just get on with day to day stuff, from maybe week 6 to week 14 it was pretty much non stop burning mouth and throat (Call my mum Khaleesi because I was spitting fire.)

Whole inside of my mouth and down my throat was just inflamed/swollen (felt like I had a golf ball stuck down there) and burning hot. The last couple of weeks its eased I don’t wake up with it (unless i’m having a flare up/bad day) It's still very on/ off but thankfully not constant like it was. And have since learned that high histamine foods make it worse - same with my chest and few other things, (so choc, dairy, alcohol, fizzy drinks ...my diet essentially ) So have cut most of them down/out. Ice lollies have been my savior on hot throat days. - Marble in throat - Another hard one to explain, it feels like there’s a marble sort of sized ball of phlegm that I constantly need to clear. (OK maybe not that hard to explain - also sorry for the gross imagery.) But not enough mucus coming up to warrant the feeling, it’s irritating more then anything - but a few weeks ago was probs golf ball sized, so again improvement! - This sort of ties in with with the inflamed mouth, but the first thing to flare up on bad day is my tongue, feels tingly most of the time anyway but more so on a flare up/bad day. - Same with my teeth / gums and the tingly sensation, (my teeth constantly feel like that sensation when you have some orange juice after brushing your teeth.) Sensitive/fuzzy I guess. Not particularly bothersome or concerning...just weird.

Nose

- This is probably one of newest ones, nose has felt hot(on and off)/bunged up for last few weeks. (But I know its not if that makes sense) I guess you could say same as lungs - not breathing in a full nose-full of air either. - sorry again for gross TMI but any mucus or boogers are clear (like almost see thru clear/never been cleaner clear) - Phantom smells - A really odd one, I smell smoke and gas a lot, not just smell it, it feels like its in my nose and my mouth - especially smoke, almost like I’ve eaten it sometimes (non smoker in smoke free flat btw). Was a lot more prominent in first few weeks ,so much so that before I realised it was a symptom I had my carbon monoxide alarms checked because it was making me paranoid I could smell smoke/gas. A bizarre one for sure. Pops up randomly now and again.

Eyes - Last couple of weeks have been getting bit of blurry vision and sore or dry eye , I'm already blind as shit so hard to tell in terms of blurriness how bad this one is, but def finding it harder to concentrate on one thing for too long (but that sort of ties in with brain fog - which i'll get to) but pretty sure once this is done with and I go to opticians will likely need a stronger prescription (some other long haulers who never had eye problems before are now having to wear glasses) No idea if that’s a permanent one but hopefully i’m at peak of it.

Ears - My left ear has felt blocked pretty much since start (or like it needs to pop some days) Most the time I can ignore it but can be quite distracting if it kicks up a couple of dials.Which is likely why I get ear ache in same ear often as well.

*Also for most the things listed above it has always been worse on my left side of body, lung, eyes, ear, headaches.

- Tinnitus (correct word for ringing in ears right?) Usually kicks in early afternoon or on bad day. Varies on strength depending on the day I’m having.

Head/Brain - Brain Fog - So the sort of very basic science behind this is because my lungs aren't producing enough oxygen my brain knows this, so is lending them some to help out...but because of this it means I’m experiencing what is known as brain fog (I don’t know what its actually called, likely has a better more official sounding name) - my concentration is very low, i’m finding it hard to retain things and concentrate more then usual. (not been up to reading or watching something new for month or so as I just cant focus on it) Also been getting odd words muddled or confused (but the bar wasn't the highest with me on that front ha ha)

Been dropping things when I think I have them in my hand. I do however think this is improving (The fact that I have typed this out with just a couple short breaks so far is much better then two weeks ago when I couldn't even focus on a computer game for more then half a hour) so as my lungs improve so does this or vice versa on flare up. *Edit - This whole post has taken a couple of days to draft and type up, so not too bad in terms of needing breaks etc.

-I'm also constantly aware of my brain... like I can feel it all the time (I literally cant explain that any other way lol, I guess its just heavier at moment so I can feel it against my skull) best explanation I think you'll get from that one. - Have a headache most the time (so much so that I sort of forget it’s there.) Thankfully most the time there mild/low and I can forget or distract myself but like everything else if I'm having a bad few days it goes up a notch. Likely connected to the brain fog.

Stomach and Lower abdomen - Period pains - only way I can explain it, generally thought after nearly 10 years without them it was messing my body about so much I was getting phantom periods. (I’m a transgender man, 4+ years on testosterone, for anyone I don’t know who comes across this) been there done that, brought the t-shirt.. then sent it back because it wasn’t for me! Very strong and painful on and off for first eight weeks, get the odd twinge now and again but think that ones done with, thank the gods. - Stomach Pains - Few aches and pains on /off, and recently experienced what felt like needle/stabbing pain for short while in short bursts - and I only really mention stomach because I haven't had the widely publicised 'covid shits' (yet, touch wood... or cloth) So yay!

Heart - Palpitations - First 8 weeks was on and off most days to the point if I was sat still my heart would be palpitating. (I couldn't even sit and listen to music I enjoyed as it would make my heart go mad.) - When I do get the palpitations it sets most things off, so if palpitations do start I generally know I'm about to have rough couple of hours or days and can’t do much, for obvious safety reasons. Thankfully these have subsided a lot last 6 or so weeks. Still get them every few days but generally know whats setting me off and how to lower them down and they don’t last as long.

Hands and Feet - Skin been very dry last couple of months, cracking and peeling on hands and feet (ew) - Pins and needles/ numb fingers and toes - Get this a lot, obviously very normal stuff but just find them coming on a lot more (especially if i’m holding something like my ipad, phone or xbox controller for a while) Fingers feel numb/puffy a lot too. (Likely also why I keep dropping things) - Also to tie in with skin, have had a on /off spots on chest, face and shoulders for few weeks, they all came up at same time, not irritant or itchy or anything, just there.

General/Other weird things - Voice - So this is one that frustrates me the most, I have had next to no voice for last maybe 10 weeks. I just cant chat to people at moment. For first 4 weeks wasn't to bad (I even started a youtube channel to keep me occupied and distracted) but slowly week by week it went a little bit more each time. I can talk for short periods of time if I have to/choose to ,like its not gone completely, but it kicks up all the things I mentioned in my throat and mouth directly after. If the phone rings I have to decide if it’s worth answering, in doing so knowing i’m going to have a rough day or so after. Someday’s I feel it's better then others like couple of weeks ago, chatted to my brothers online on xbox for half an hour or so for the first time in weeks, and caught up with a friend on phone for 10 minutes...but a couple of days later everything flared up again. So it's still trial and error and just being patient with my voice. (I'm quite confident no long term damage is being done now as few people in group i’m in reported there voice just eventually got better over time.) Definitely the symptom I’m having to be most patient with. - Fatigue and tiredness - My days now are normally diddily done by 4-5, (except if its a bad day then most of the day is a write off) No matter how little or much I've done, by 5-6 my body and mind are exhausted. As someone who has insomnia, pre covid I would maybe have 1-2 all nighters every ten or so days sprinkled in with 5-6 days of at most 3-4 hours sleep. In the last 17 weeks I have had just 3 all nighters, and maybe just under ten 3-4 hour sleeps. Otherwise i’m getting at least 5+ hours a night. This is the one covid thing I'd like to keep please lol. I think it's easing a little (most the bad night sleeps have been in last month) and on good days tiredness is kicking in a little later, or it's taking me a little longer to drift off. But generally am cream crackerd a lot of time, especially if I push myself too far on a bad day. - Loss/Increased appetite - This sort of ties in with what I mentioned earlier about different foods causing set backs, the first 6 weeks I had no appetite and lost a bit of weight (I do put a lot of this down to extreme worry and stress thou) Then I went thru a phase of being very hungry for a few weeks and put most of the weight I had lost back on. I'm somewhere in the middle now, probably because I know most of anything I eat will set me back a little (because as mentioned fussy git = high histamine diet) so i’m cutting portions (otherwise known as the amount of cheese I add to everything!) and cutting out all most junk food (you’ll never part me from my crisps!) and non healthy drinks.

- Bloated and dehydration - This one I sort of put in pencil because it could be covid related but I also think it could be side effects from the brown asthma inhaler I was prescribed to help with breathing. I’m still undecided as it pops up especially when I was using inhaler more but it does happen days after I’ve last used it. At it’s worse I was getting up to pee a lot! because I was thirsty all the time. So of course was just very bloated around the belly.

*Also talking of peeing, (Great segway Ben) number 1′s and 2′s have been very different then normal, urine thicker and bubbly,and smells/is coloured different, (same with 2′s) Also have a completely different body odour at the moment,(pungent) having to use deodorant twice as much as normal. - Admit it your life’s a little bit better now you know that information.

- THE HEAT! - I touched on this with my mouth and nose being on fire, but for the first 10-12 weeks I did not go a day where at least a couple of things were not burning hot ,like hot to the touch as well, not just inside...(very different experience then having a temperature). Extreme heat in one very specific part of body. Ears, forehead, cheeks, chest, back, nose, mouth,throat to name a few of prominent ones. Over time they have faded (if something does feel hot now its generally not hot to the touch anymore.) Maybe on a bad day a couple of things will burn up. (But in saying that, been calling today a good day but nose is quite hot) but point is its better. - Mood swings/Anxiety - While i’m fairly confident anything emotional has stemmed from experiencing...well everything you've just read. Rather then it being its own symptom (thou I have had days of uncontrollable crying, days of anger..that perhaps outside of covid I would still of had one of those days but just not to such a extreme, I think with everything going on its just amped that emotion and anxiety up.) it's obviously been very stressful and anxiety inducing. That’s only calmed down in last week since finding the facebook group of other people going thru the same thing. I'm now seeing that people are slowly improving, i'm seeing I've not been going mad and it's all very real and not just happening to me. So the bad days are easier to deal with now and not hitting me emotionally like a ton of bricks anymore. I honestly couldn't see the end of the tunnel two weeks ago but can see it now (even if I take a step forward one day but then 2-3 back another...I see it still.)

*Mushy moment Alert - A good a place as any to include while I'm talking about emotion - Even thou she probs wont see this,but want to mention my mum. She’s been my rock thru all this, she messages me at least twice everyday without fail, since day 1. Even thou I know she's been worried sick about me herself, she's reassured and calmed me down on the harder more stressful days. I dread the mornings when things have gone downhill a bit and having to tell her ,because I know she'll worry, but after a few texts we both end up sort of reassuring and calming the other down. (especially in the earlier days when it was really bad, scary, new and unknown.) When it was really getting me down for a while and I wanted nothing to do with anything covid related and just stay in bed and pretend this wasn't happening to me, she dug out the articles and tips and things to help or give me a boost. (Not to mention all the coming and going she and my step dad have done for me last 4 months and taking care of my shopping for first 9 or so weeks...because I was a useless mess of a human) I know it’s basic mum stuff but this would be 10x harder and lonelier without her. Random detour I know but can’t talk about my covid experience and recovery without mentioning her.

Almost looking forward to sending her the first 'Everything normal today' text as much as I look forward to experiencing it....almost. ;-)

Amount of Symptoms On A Typical Day

On a good day - (when I think virus was at it's worse in the first 10-14 weeks) - 4-6 symptoms ( 2 or 3 cranked up to a medium or high otherwise on mild)

On a bad day - At peak/worse - 6-10 symptoms (throat, chest and no voice on high volume, maybe a couple of things like palpitations and brain fog, heat on medium/high, other weird stuff on mild/low)

Good day - Now 17 weeks in (excluding my voice which is still a medium to high issue most days) - 3-4 Symptoms on low to mild - usually there’s something still simmering on a medium always ready to turn up to a high if I push it too much in terms of walking or talking. (often my chest) Bad Day (Now) - 4-7 Symptoms - 1 to 3 on medium (maybe a couple will kick up to high on first day of a flare up, but generally now for shorter periods of time.)Everything else on mild or low.

So there has def been improvement in last 6 weeks, i’m sure it wont all be plain sailing and I know/prepare to expect another 'flare up' and then a bad few days. But recently instead of the bad days being 2-3 weeks of it constantly, the duration is getting shorter each time (last bad few days was just under a week) So things are slowly improving, and i’m sure in time so will the amount of symptoms and the strength of each symptom.

I've probably missed a couple of silly/odd little things that have gone on (likely because they were so early on or very brief (or I’ve forgotten) - fever and nausea to name a couple. When I got my notes together these were the main ones that came to mind. Quite a lot actually sitting back reading them, and I think the scary (but good) thing is, x-ray came back fine, bloods came back fine. People have had MRI's, camera’s down there throat, most coming back fine. Covid just not showing up on any tests(unless someones suffered further complications with something) - hence why a lot of people struggling to be taken seriously by there GP's or even loved ones who think there just 'exaggerating’ or its just ‘anxiety and stress'...no living with all what you just read causes anxiety and stress Mary!

But yeah could waffle on, once its definitely gone and I breathe and look back I can perhaps get a better overview of everything and give you better analysis of all that’s gone on. I get asked 'so when do you think it will be gone?' almost as much as 'are you better now?' To the first question, meh I don't know, I'm now into month 4/week 17 (well month 5 if I include last couple of days of Feb when I believe I caught it and had the very mild cold early March) still a lot of things going on with my body, some new things could still pop up, so instead of saying 'I think it will be gone by..' ,like I did in the first weeks. I'm just taking it week by week (or day by day if it kicks up a notch) not making any big demands of myself or my body, doing what I can each day....but not pushing it. Instead of the sad, anxiety inducing thought 'when will it go' or the one all us long haulers worry about a lot ‘Will it ever go?’ I now try to think instead 'it will go!.'

To any fellow long haulers I say hang in there, keep fighting, trust your body and that it will get better. Take it day by day. Stay as positive as you can when everything 'flares up again' after a couple of weeks of good progress (easier said then done I know) but know it wont be forever as much as it feels like it is. Don’t be afraid to ask for help (I hate going to Drs would much rather just 'get on with it' , but from pestering a little I got a blue inhaler which has helped me a lot day to day,and had x-ray and blood tests which also put my mind at ease when they came back clear. So don’t be afraid to ask to get these things checked if you’re worried. I've been lucky with my GP's thou who I think have generally believed me and taken me seriously and I know not everyone is getting that help or respect. I think it’s really not helped us that in the early days people were stubbing their toes and thinking they had caught covid and calling their Dr’s (I’m exaggerating but hopefully you get my point lol), so if you do get a not so helpful interaction, be patient,explain yourself or try again with another Dr, remember a GP will only advise you symptom by symptom and not as a whole. Anyway I’m repeating stuff you already know by now lol.

Stay positive. Stay hopeful and stay safe.

To anyone else, believe us, know this is very real, and that it absolutely sucks. Its not just anxiety or in our head. We're not exaggerating - in fact most of us are probably playing it down or just not elaborating on things for an easy life and because when someone asks 'are you better now?' it's easier to just smile and nod and answer 'getting there slowly' because the truth is...well what you just read lol. (And I'm a particularly mild case...next to no coughing, no spells in A and E, a breeze for a lot of other people with long term) Keep yourselves safe (most long haulers have no previous medical /problems/conditions. Some ,myself included, have weakened immune systems due to a long term health condition. A unlucky few are fighting another long term medical illness as well as covid. I'm lucky in that I have no dependants (except 4 easy to please gecko's) and was not working prior to catching it - some are having to deal with all this and be full time parents, or have been to and fro with their jobs (thinking there better then relapsing after going back). There’s mums messaging on behalf of there young kids who have it, lots of young people (one of the lads that co runs the group is 22 I believe), there's athletes/health fanatics used to running miles every day been completely knocked of there game unable to even walk to end of road some days. People of all age ranges. Point is anyone can catch it, it might not just be 'a couple of rough weeks' It might take over half a year for you to recover from. This myth that it's short and sweet, or a walk in the park if your young and healthy needs to be squashed because its just not accurate.

If not for my mum and our family and the facebook group I found, (Positive path of wellness - Covid UK Long Haulers) I'd be struggling, really struggling. It's scary, brutal and lonely. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. The virus is still out there it has not gone. Keep sanitising hands and wear a mask in busy places!. - Tell the guy who's life this has been for 17 weeks, why wearing a mask in public places, to keep yourself and others safe from catching this nightmare, is a inconvenience for you Karen...go on, I'll wait...

Maybe you can help prevent yours or someone else's next few months from being even worse. x

Was going to just make this a one time post on tumblr account but if it’s a help to anyone (especially fellow long haulers) I’ll post some other bits and bobs when i’m up to it. (thinking of doing a post about things/products etc that I think have been helping me. If that’s useful to anyone) Or just some positive/ funny things to keep spirits up. Keeping it all positive and upbeat as possible.

So I’ll see if anyone reads this first and go from there

So I guess in conclusion ...lol I’m just joking, this post is really done now, go back to your lives, this garbled mess of self woe (worlds smallest violin is back in its case now), sarcasm and naff humour has taken up far too much of all of our days already. Go peacefully amongst the things. :-)

Stay safe everyone x

#covid-19 #covid19longhaul #longtermcovid #coronavirus #coronalonghaul #covid 19 symptoms #corona symptoms #long haul covid #covid long haulers #covid recovery #covid uk #corona uk #corona long haulers uk

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simplerthingslikewatchinglt · 4 years

Text

Chapter fifteen

Laurent P.O.V

A few days later ..

When I tried texting Kiera, she hardly responded . When I invited her back to my hotel to play UNO again, she declined . The very first time I had called her, she immediately picked up but now I was starting to suspect that she was dodging me . We were staying in New York for a while and for a while I meant the rest of January. We had a dance workshop coming up and I honestly wanted to invite Kiera but the way she's been dodging me I wasn't sure if she'd come or not . I took my chances anyway , taking my cellphone out of my backwards pants I searched through my contacts to find her number. She was saved as 'girlfriend New York City', pressing on my screen her number started dialing .

"Hello ? .."

"Kiki, my girl wassup ?"

"Just ... been tired" Her voice was slightly lowered , almost as if whispering, I continued with my response .

" I want to see you . What have you been up to ? " On my end I could hear her breath through the phone , like a sigh , "been busy ..."

"Well if you not too busy , I want you to come to my workshop ." quickly I texted her the address before placing my cellphone back to my ear .

"Oh .. I know where that's at . I'll see what I can do Laurent "

" okai, try to come or I come to you" I joked at her wondering if she would really let me see her .

"Alright I'll come ... seriously"

"Okai" she didn't sound too happy but I was now sure she would come and watch me dance .

*****

Kiera's P.O.V

There was nothing much I could do, I was tied up on my end with a pissed off mother, a pleading aunt, and myself running away from my problems. I wanted to just get away from everything and to me, Laurent calling my cellphone was a way out . When I received the information to the work shop it was held for tonight on 55th street. This is me running away from my problems, my issues , my responsibilities.

Maybe an hour or two go by, to the point where the sun was starting to set. My mother is not home to bother me . She's out again, having a drink or two , I wonder for a split second about her safety and how will she get home but those thoughts quickly leave my mind once my phone rings . I smirk to myself when the word "Boyfriend" comes across the screen of my cellphone , a feeling of relief hit me. I am glad to see him calling me once more , I answer ,

"Hello ?"

"You still coming right ?" I pause for a second,

"Yes." I was not going to flake out on Laurent. I already had my mindset on going .

*******

From the nap I took to the trains being delayed, I was late and was also pretty sure the workshop was over . When I arrived, there was no line outside but there sure was posters of the twins out front . I walked inside the building where I was greeted by two male security guards. Both of them taller and much bigger than I was but not so much taller then the twins.

"Can I help you ?" One man said to me . He was African American, like me , some what handsome with a chiseled chin and thick eyebrows. A few seconds went by before I answered his question.

"Ah yes, I was invited for the twins workshop... is it still going on ?" Immediately the bodyguard shook his head 'No' . As quick as this man had shook his head 'no' , as if on que I had already given up. Welp that was the end of that . The workshop was over and I'm sure anything that were to be held after was for people with special tickets . Deep down, I knew I was in the wrong. For an unknown reason I felt regret, I shouldn't have promised Laurent that I would go to the workshop if I wasn't gonna make it on time. My imagination had begun to run wild of Laurent, only imagining his facial expression of disappointment. Although we hardly knew each other, he had stated he wanted a friendship . I should have kept my end of the bargain. Being so caught up in my emotions, I took out my cellphone to text Laurent an apology . Right then and there my phone started ringing, the words read "Boyfriend" . Immediately I could feel my heart pump harder and faster as the sensation of butterflies tingled in my stomach, in a way I was very nervous to pick up the phone but I did so anyway .

"Hello ? .." If only he could hear the way my heart pounded against my chest as I answered.

"Kiki next time tell me you no coming okai?" Laurent's voice was a bit horse and his breathing was heavy through the phone.

"I- I'm sorry Laurent . I'm currently outside the building -"

"Where ?"

"Uh .. just outside where these two men are blocking the entrance"

"Oh okai ....We leave for the exit now anyway. Stay there." The phone clicked, Laurent was no longer on the other end of the phone.

A few minutes went by before I heard a crowd of commotion coming towards the exit . It was the twins and a whole entourage of people surrounding them. The crowd of people stopped just outside of the building infront of the security guards making it difficult to approach them .

"Alright everyone , ya'll cant stand here blocking the entrance !" Yelled the second security guard that was not so handsome as the first. As the crowd of people slowly started dispersing, there revealed the guys signing autographs and taking some photos .

I met eyes with Larry, who decided to ignore my presence by continuing to sign autographs. I watched for a few more seconds of Larry before he turned to Laurent speaking to him, there Laurent, who was just taking a few pictures decided to break through the crowd and walk straight up to me .

"Go to the black car parked right down the block . ..Wait ova (over) there for us. Okai?" Laurent pointed towards an all black BMW car, a beauty it sure was . I nodded my head and quickly walked towards the car, as quick as he directed me - I moved in that manner . When I had finally reached the car, deciding on my own I leaned on the hood of the car . By the time I had the chance to look up at the guys and their fans surrounding them, Larry had already broke free from the crowd , walking towards the car .

"Get in ...." His order was quick and stern, unlocking the door in the process. I did as I was told, jumping into the back seat of the car , sitting behind the passenger seat where I was met by Larry once again who sat behind the driver seat .The car smelled of that new car smell, it must've been a rental. But I had to ask one question.

"How come your not in the front seat or the drivers ?" He was texting away , looking down at his phone before we met eyes.

" why, 'cause I have keys ? ..." I felt a bit embarrassed but still continued the conversation.

"Yes"

"Is just to open the doors ...." he began to chuckle to himself before speaking again " you no think?" Instead of answering his smart ass ,I responded with another question .

"You don't like me ? " His chuckling had died down, his facial expression had changed and was replaced with a smile .

"Sure~" Larry dragged out the word which in response I rolled my eyes .

"I don't know you. I help you on the dance floor one day, that's it .... you not my friend or Laurent . We trust no one"

His choice of words had stung at my feelings but at the same time I could relate . I could relate in a sense of not knowing each other , only Laurent was trying to get to know me while Larry was showing me that he could careless .

"I would like to get to know you guys more ..."

"Why?" His question was quick, right after my heart felt response which forced me to think quick on my feet.

"Because your dope dancers and Your not the only one that saved me ... Laurent did too" my voice became small and I broke my stare down with Larry . I was .. embarrassed once more as the memories of the incident at the mall flowed into my mind .

"When ?.."

"At the mall ..."

"He save you from a fall or something ?" He was beginning to make me feel like an idiot which was almost like answering his first smart ass question, was I really thinking ? Specially from what I was going to say next .

"He saved me from ... a guy that was ... bothering me ... in a way"

"A guy ?"

"Where was us ?" What ? ... From 'us' he must've referred to Adelia.

"Not there..."

"So he save you from this guy ?"

"Yes... Laurent took me inside the bathroom." For some reason my memories felt foggy and distorted . It wasn't a lie, we were in the bathroom but it felt different saying it out loud .

"Okai.. stop" He cut me off as his face told it all . He wanted to laugh in my face... bad as his smile grew larger .

I could feel myself getting irritated to clear up any funny thoughts he was beginning to have .

"We went into the bathroom and"

"Stop" he laughed as he spoke the word,

"What's funny?"

"You kiss or something ? ..this a love story now?"

"What?"

"My broth'a no save you ... he don't care ."

"So why am I here ?"

He paused, he must've questioned himself. That's when both front car doors opened . Laurent hopped in the passenger seat and there was a guy who must've been the driver. It was then Larry passed the keys to the Caucasian driver while leaning forward . He spoke in French .

"Laurent c'est quoi ce bordel? (Laurent what the fuck is this ?)" Larry's tone seemed to be on the line of irritation and possibly shock, he quickly pointed at me using his thumb.

"What ?" Laurent turned his head in my direction, his eyes looking around as if he was looking for something then turned back to Larry.

"qu'est-ce qu'elle veut dire, tu la sauves? ( what the fuck she mean you save her ?)"

There was a silence between the two and the driver pulled off, through the thick silence you can hear Laurent sucking his teeth rather fast while he faced forward once again.

"il y avait un baiseur qu'elle connaissait."( there was some fucker she knew)" Laurent spoke out loud , his voice was deeper in his native language then when he spoke in English .

" elle le baisait ( she was fucking him )" I noticed that Larry's voice was also a bit deeper as he turned his head to look out the backseat window which was rolled up. I felt out of the loop. I wanted to speak but couldn't, instead I began to wonder where we was going .

" tu ne le sais pas ( you don't know that)" My eyes followed Laurent's voice to see him shaking his head , he came off as a bit emotional which made Larry jolt, leaning forward in his seat once more speaking closer into Laurent's ear this time.

" mon frère et tu ne le sais pas ( my brother and you don't know that )"

" elle pleurait ( she was crying)"

"Wow .." was the only english word I could make out as Larry scoffed, I looked at his figure, he completely ignored my presence, he seemed bothered by Laurent's last response. I watched as he sat back into the seat but then sat up again, " tu ne sais pas de la merde à son sujet ( you don't know shit about her )"

" Bye Larry .. ta merde parlante maintenant ( Bye Larry .. your speaking shit now)"

" Et vous non? mon frère ces tatouages n'ont alors plus de sens ( And your not ? My brother those tattoos are meaningless then)"

There was a quick 'ugh' that came from Laurent then he said "Shut up Larry .. Kiki are you okay back there ? My broth'a argue with me." Laurent turned his head to me, before smiling at me . I guess this was him checking on me but his tone was more like he was apologizing even though he never did apologize.

"Yes . I'm fine , just wondering where are we going ?"

For a second there I could've sworn I seen Laurent think about what to say, "home for now .. then later we go to the club. Want to come ?"

" je ne peux pas croire cela ( I cant believe this )" I could hear Larry mumble in French as he still looked out the back seat window shaking his head in unison.

" I don't think that would be a good idea . .if it's a club I might not be able to get in"

"To young .." Larry scoffed while shaking his head not looking my way . Laurent seemed to look annoyed by his brother responding as he glanced at him but then faced me - " how old are you ?" I was silent a bit almost nervous to reply . "I'm nineteen."

" .... good ." His words seemed almost shaky as Larry responded with a puff of air escaping his nostrils .

"Don't worry . I'm legal" I joked in a dry manner trying to make this already heavy atmosphere of the guys going back and forth lighter.

"I know . I'm not worried Kiki. You smoke so I was thinking you too young" in a way I felt bad both revealing my age and that he knew I smoked.

"Maybe I should go home first ..." I suggested, I was beginning to feel a bit uneasy.

"Why ?" Laurent questioned. I had to quickly come up with a lie .

"To change clothes."

"Alright then. We take you home"

"Oh no, I could just get dropped off-"

"What ? ... it's dark now. Just tell me where you live" Laurent tone of voice got serious.

"Alright then .." I gave the driver my address, we arrived there only by a few minutes.

"See.. was that so hard ?" Laurent kept a smile on his face as he playfully teased me. He made the thick atmosphere that surrounded our heads much lighter. I shook my head 'no' .

"Come, I walk you . No harm there." We both got out of the car, and proceeded to walk towards my building. Immediately I felt the need to apologize once more.

"I'm sorry Laurent ..." He quickly looked confused.

"Fa (for) what ?"

"For not being able to watch you dance . And my age and -" I couldn't look him in the eye while speaking .

"Kiera ... Is (it's) okai . I no care . Now come." This was the first time he said my full name, he seemed bothered but came off as smooth as I opened the main front door to the building before opening another door to get inside to reveal the different apartment doors . I felt good having some one walk me inside my building, Laurent was such a gentleman. We began walking up the flight of stairs , " you know .... I stay in New York all of January .."

"Oh yeah ? ." We walked up the stairs rather slow making the mood more romantic it seemed as I was ahead of him by a couple of steps when I looked back at him to respond. When we got infront of my doorstep I turned to face Laurent , we were both silent for a while - he broke the silence once again . " come ..." He took my hand and placed a kiss on the back of it but when our eyes met he had a look that seemed unsatisfied . There he stood tall before leaning towards me , my heart raced when I thought he was going for a kiss on the lips but it was then he planted a kiss on my forehead. His lips were warm and soft as I fell at ease, it felt right, he backed away from me slowly, locking eyes with me - " I want to know you more ..." he spoke in a soft tone. " I want to know you more too" repeating the same words he spoke to me. I didn't have anything better to say.

"Kiera ! That's you ?!" I looked back at the door that was behind me, "Okay Laurent! Time to go" I tried to shove Laurent down the stairs with my hands placed on his broad shoulders but he was laughing a little from my nervousness stopping every step to laugh at me . "What ? .. why the rush ?" He joked but there was nothing funny about what was to come next . The apartment door flung open, exposing my drunken mother , her eyes glanced over the situation quickly.

"You bitch ! ...You are fucking!! And don't say Your not. You was gonna bring him here in my house to have sex with him weren't you ?!" This was something I didn't want anybody to see or hear, but Laurent was right there in the mix of it all. He was silent as he wasn't even half way down the stairs while he watched, I had to respond quick . "No ma ! He's my friend, I wasn't going to fuck him!" My response must've threw her off while she looked even more pissed . My mother turned her attention to Laurent as she pointed to him , " You stay right there motherfucker, where ever you going, your taking her wit' you! She can't stay here... getcha' shit and go Kiera." She yanked me by the arm, physically she was stronger than me, pulling me into the house. From behind I could hear Laurent's voice ,

" My pleasure ..." as he followed behind us inviting himself into my home . The embarrassment took over me, surely he looked at the amount of empty bottles that were scattered all around . When I had looked back at him though his eyes and face read different - he was just focused on me with a blank expression.

Authors note:

I decided to end this chapter at 3000 words maybe a little bit more then 3000 but hey *shrugs* lol . I got tired and been working on this for two days now . Hopefully you guys like this chapter I certainly did . I'm rusty once again , and I have a lot of mess ups but hey *shrugs* I'm human lol . Okay xoxo 😘

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minecraftoworymode · 5 years

Text

picked a whole bouquet of whoopsie-daisies the other day reading some Very badfeel content so to cheer myself up here’s some super self-indulgent ramblings about romeo recovery post-s2

“YOU CAN DANCE IF YOU WANT TO YOU CAN LEAVE YOUR INTERNALIZED MISOGYNY BEHIND” or how romeo learned to stop worrying and indulge in the ““feminine”“ shit in life

when romeo transitioned he scrubbed everything that could be potentially viewed as feminine from his appearance and behaviour. while he did everything he could about the former (hairstyle, clothing, body language, voice), it didn’t feel like enough bc he couldn’t change some things that ppl used to be jerks- his frame (short and lithe), his family, his being trans- so he made up for it by trying to “act” like a “real man”. this unfortunately meant he was super vulnerable to manipulative alt-right indoctrination tactics (”we will validate you as a man as long as you endorse our assholery and share our shitty beliefs about what it means to be a man”) and he was on the verge of getting sucked into gamergate ideology when [THIS LORE IS ANOTHER POST] and hey, now the world is minecraft. u dont gotta perform gender roles for villagers they dont care. xara will not only actually eat ur liver for pulling The Bullshit but when you are kind she smiles, so bright and warm, and it is very very nice so maybe you should keep on doing that. n fred? fred is chill with their Everything in a way uve only ever Dreamed of. romeo marinates in this sauce for a couple centuries and comes the closest to being comfortable in his own skin he’s ever been.

however,

after the Incident he slam-dunked himself back into the hypermasculinity juice bc it was a mindset “safe” from feeling pain, whether his or others’. n since the worlds the admins created dont have the same ideas of gender as the world they came from, once he’s been dethroned romeo has a particularly hard time adjusting wrt That on top of all the other 2750347502730 issues he has to face

anyway flash forward a couple months of being incredibly volatile bc he now has to confront all the terrible things he did and how Dare u make him do that and maybe if hes nasty enough he can provoke someone into killing him and saving him from having to unpack All Of That- (note from @simple-mooshroom-herder: Xara and Jesse at least grasp that Romeo will probably burn himself out on this bullshit eventually and the best thing to do is interact with him with a certain level of healthy detachment. Eventually he'll see that theres no "getting out of this" and he'll start to do the Work but until then its very frustrating to see that tactic take him nowhere.)

- one day petra notices how he’s constantly staring at all the ppl wearing cute dresses in beacontown and at first she thinks he's being creepy but then realizes that he's not being creepy and actually she knows exactly how he feels bc she also used to look at ppl wearing clothes super not suited for combat like that, like she wished she could wear them too, like if she just didnt have to keep up this image of the Warrior who is Not Soft Ever-

n ok. listen. these worlds have been specifically engineered to be better and kinder than the one the admins came from, and when people mess up- even REALLY mess up- people are generally not only willing to forgive you but support you as you try and get better. it’s instinctual for communities to respond to misdeeds with rehabilitation and reconciliation, rather than retaliation and renunciation (tho its not an overnight thing and it generally takes 1-3 people to spearhead the process, esp if the actions have affected a large group of people). like. ivor created something that almost destroyed the entire world, not just beacontown, yet by the end of season one he’s grown to be a part of the team- n its not just jesse & co being forgiving here, bc when ivor made his s1 build with 3 lava source blocks people objected to it, but by s2 he not only has lava in his build but a giant lake of it. (im assuming the fences around said lake are coming eventually, bc safety is still important, but the implications im choosing to take from this are a) despite almost ending the world people let him into their lives anyway and b) the community not only grew to accept but encourage his self-expression.)

BUT ANYWAY before i go off on that even more one day petra and romeo basically put on an impromptu fashion show in jesse’s house (bc their house is huge and, kind of perfect for a fashion show, and also right next to the order hall’s armory whence they stole a bunch of fancy swords to match the outfits) n theyre having a blast until the hero in residence , returns to their residence (and with COMPANY) n romeo is absolutely Mortified- caught red-handed showing feelings of an almost human nature, oh my god, this will NOT do- n this whole grand soliluquy of shame and excuses and apologies grabs the steering wheel of his tongue but he cant even spit a single syllable out bc jesse and lukas almost immediately dip leaving romeo panicking for a second before they come back with their inventories FULL of cute outfits, including a billion skirts and dresses, some of them are even enchanted so theyre like. super shiny or constantly flowing or things like that.

this actually ends up spiralling into a town-wide... not quite fashion show bc there's no runway or anything, everyone just shows up in their cutest/coolest outfits .. fashion convention?? Anyway several people come up to him and compliment him on his outfit casually before continuing along, not recognizing him not only bc of how hes done his hair and makeup n what hes wearing but he just seems... so happy (he might be wearing something on his head? like a headpiece or hat or something? but also maybe not hmm)- whoever this is, he's not hunched over like he's got several centuries' worth of sins crawling on his back he’s not trying to shrink and make small a human-shaped apology for the simple fact of his existence not dragging his feet like hes ready for, dreading, a hundred mile trek through the desert repenting hes just. hes literally just Vibing

anyway he's mostly been silent or just providing very quiet "thank you"s but when it turns out that some people showed up ready to play music and there's a song that he knows he literally cant help but start jamming out its the GOod Stim everyones a-dancing and a-jiving and some people start to sing and so of course he does too (the healing power of dancing and singing in cute outfits.... unfathomable) but. ppl recognize his voice

and after a few seconds he notices how quiet it's gotten all of a sudden n everyones looking at him like "oh shit thats the admin" and honestly his heart breaks. visibly

but

then someone starts singing, so quiet it takes a moment for him to hear over the sound of an encroaching panic attack (oh god he has airpods in), but when he looks over theyre smiling - theyre smiling at hiM???? AND IT DOESNT EVEN LOOK MEAN??- and doing this very simple step, that he catches onto just as easily as he matches their singing (its a fairly common little tune n dance)

theyre like standing like a good few meters away but as they take turns with lines in the song they slowly inch closer

and he thinks hes starting to recognize the dance that the steps theyre doing is from but at the part in the song thats coming up ur supposed to allemande left and even tho theyre like, less than a meter away now literally no one has really wanted to get close to him, let alone actually touch him, so hes totally expecting them to be like 'psych' and humiliate him in front of the entire crowd-

BUT THEN THEY ACTUALLY GO FOR IT???

he completes the step without even thinking about it n continues onto the next in this state of dull bewilderment where there is but one braincell active in his head and it is just going, in a very tiny voice, "danser?"

- when they linked arms the person briefly seemed surprised that he didn't like, chew their arm off or anything (he had. kind of snapped at people a few times during the past few weeks), but then their shock turned into a wide smile and they sort of- nodded? at someone over his shoulder like 'come and join us, it doesn't look like he's going to kill me after all you guys can put the eulogy writing on hold'

what rly makes his heart do the confused and hopeful conga is that this isnt even anyone romeo knows, its a total stranger. or- like- he saw them while he was pretending to be jesse he just didnt care to get to know them beyond ‘name and gimmick’- its not even someone who has any reason to think he'd be cool to befriend its literally jsut someone taking a chance on him (tkae a chance take a chance take a chance take a cha)

afterwards hes like "i should thank jesse for putting you up to that, it was fun" and theyre like "what? jesse didn't "put me up to" anything, dude, you just looked super choked. * something something surfer lingo who would i be if i just left someone to feel bad when they could be having fun dancing you know?*"

he H

#ng+#msg #i said this was super self-indulgent and i was not lying #i call ng+ my mcsm project and thats literal

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geminimoonbeamx · 5 years

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Ok listen I came here to rave about Of All The Things Unsaid because it broke my heart and also took me deep into my own feelings and was just overall so well written and it was so interesting to see you change things up with your style a bit UGH!! But then I saw that a-z ask and I NEED to know the full a-z from you on Bucky Barnes 👻💕 PS ...... can I be added to your tag list ?? I’m on here at super freak times and I feel like I always miss out on your posts! Keep being amazing ilu 💕

Thank you so much boo💖 I’m so happy you liked my depression manifested in OATLU😂! And okay so why was Bucky A-Z so hard? His sensuality was difficult to peg but I hope I did it justice!

Bucky Barnes sexy A-Z

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Bucky Barnes is one needy man after sex- especially after the rough passionate fucking you usaully receive from him after long missions or emotionally grueling days. He’s grabby and literally octopuses his large body around yours

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

Bucky’s favorite body part of his is his flesh and blood arm- he knows its a shitty internalized hatred thing but he still wishes he was on that little farm in Wakanda, he'd gotten pretty good at doing everything one handed.

Bucky loves your middle, loves your soft plush tummy and your waist. Would have his arms wrapped around your middle for the rest of hs life if he could

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Bucky loves coming on your ass when he fucks you doggy, he loves how it rolls and drips off of your round cheeks.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

Bucky loves toys. He loves to put you in vibrating panties and take ou to important dinners.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

Bucky has been around the block- lets be real. Back in the 40’s he had a new dame every weekend(sometimes more then one). He even got ass during the war. But since he got out of Cyro you're the first person he’s even kissed

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

Doggy. 100%- he loves your plump ass. But he also likes holding you and fucking you againts walls, just because of your reaction to it, you never thought a man would be able too pick you up.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

Bucky’s actually a funny fuck and genuinely gets joy from intimacy with you. He’s made you laugh while making you cum and that's one hell of an experience.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He went AU natural for a long time and that man had a BUSH. He trims for you, keeps it nice and tidy. Its still dark and prominent though. You love it.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

He was really awkward about it, it felt weird to let himself get to that place. Now he loves it, the two of you love reading together. Bathing together.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

You love watching him work himself over, he gets so pretty when his fist is wrapped around his cock. Love waiting him writhe and come all over his knuckles.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Bucky loves to be rimmed- it just feels so good when you're blowing him- he totally jumped and almost kneed you in the face the first time you tried it though lol

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Honestly he’ll fuck you anywhere, but he prefers somewhere cozy and safe-where he’s checked all the exits and windows because it gets him in the right mindset.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

He’s not gonna lie- when you get all dolled up and wear that red lipstick he loves he cant help but grab handfuls of you.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

He refuses any kind of blindfold play- Bucky doesn't like his senses being taken away. He likes(needs) to be in control.

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

Bucks a giver- he remembers being tongue deep under the skirts of pretty girls in the back of dance halls. He’s good with his mouth- and you get to be on the receiving end to that.

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

Depends and varies. He loves fucking you slow though, loves watching your body take him, all of him.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He’s not a fan of quickies- they remind him of the war and the USO sow girls and gunpowder and his first tastes of death/ He especially doesn't like them with you, he wants to take his time with you. Wants to savor it.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

Not really, I mean you guys did fuck in a coat closet at the White House but you almost got caught by the CIA and that's always a mood killer right?

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

Three words: Super Soldier Serum. That man has WRECKED you before. Literally 5 rounds back to back. Your thighs shook for days.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He enjoys toys- he’s always been a techie nerd. He loves when you press a vibrator to your clit as he takes you, loves the way you screech.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

You are the tease in the relationship, and he only does it to get you back. He sucks at it even though he has crazy self control. He doesn't want to be disciplined when it comes to you.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He’s not the most vocal, but fuck, are his grunts and groans so guttural and perfect.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

Cockwarming is a favorite of both of yours.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

MOTHERFUCKER IS PACKING. 10 inches, minimum. That serum amped up everything. He was devastated when he hurt you the first time, but like how could he not? You def weren't used to anything like that.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Um? He didn't get laid for the better part of a century. He’d be buried inside you every second of the fucking day if he could.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He’s on sleeping and anxiety and a whole slew of other mess to get him to sleep- but that pussy of yours? How hard you make him cum? Better them any pharmaceuticals. He likes falling asleep on top of you, your bosom a pillow and your thighs still cradaling his hips. He’s warm. He’s home

#gemini answers

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mint-kook · 6 years

Text

Forgotten Dates || Kim Taehyung

♡ Request: Hii! Okay first of all your writing is freaking amazing like wow I love it! If I feel like reading angsty stuff and cant find anything good I always come back to your masterlist hehe I was wondering if you could please write a scenario with Taehyung where you two have a fight and he says something like ‘we should take a break’ to which you agree and when he comes back you say you realized things like you shouldn’t be together ecc. and it’s all super angsty but with a happy ending?? Thankyou!! -

♡ word count: 1.6k

Tonight was the final straw. You couldn’t handle it anymore.

It was as if no matter how hard you tried to maintain this relationship, how hard you tried to fight for the both of you, he would never try to meet you halfway. You loved him, you really did. You loved him with every fibre in your being, but there was only so much you could offer of yourself before it became too much and you lost who you were.

You took another look at the clock, the big hand almost hitting 30 minutes while the small one laid at 3. It was 3:30 in the morning, and you had been waiting for Taehyung since 8:00 pm. You wondered how much longer you could wait before it became to much and you would have to eventually go to bed.

Your eyes travelled around the room, the table set up for a dinner, two plates filled with food that hadn’t been touched since the clock struck 9, and a candle that had long been dead after melting down to the very bottom.

It was your anniversary, after all. It was the time for you to be happy with the one you loved. He had promised you he would be home around 8:00 that night, and you knew he had forgotten. You knew he had forgotten about you, about your dinner, about everything you had done for him. He had forgotten about how much you loved him.

The pain started in your chest, running up your throat and stinging your eyes as the tears welled up. You couldn’t take the sadness and anger anymore, letting it fill you to the brink before you finally exploded. He was the match that had lit the fuse and now you had to let out the explosion in someway.

A sob tore through your body, your hands coming up and pushing the plates to the floor in your anger. Everything in you was telling you to stop, willing you to keep your composure, take a deep breath and calm down. But the more you thought about everything that had happened these last couple months, you couldn’t stop yourself.

Glass shattered on the ground as you wiped the table clean, letting out another sob and feeling the tears rushing down your face. The water was warm, reminding you of the feeling of his hands upon your cheeks the morning before he had left. His lips had pressed against your forehead as the promise left his lips, and he still wasn’t there.

He wouldn’t be here to fix things this time, instead, running away from you and hiding in the practice room where he said he wouldn’t be long.

You took a deep breath before letting the scream tear from your throat, letting the anger out as you picked up the leftover remains of the candle and tossing it across the room. Wax stained the wall as you watched it slide down and leave its mark.

You didn’t bother to pay attention to where you were stepping, the anger and frustration keeping any physical pain from truly hurting you.

The sound of the door opening attracted your attention and you took a quick inhalation of air before turning around. Taehyung’s form in the doorway caused more tears to well up in your eyes, the confusion on his face only making you more and more angry, knowing he had no idea what he had done and why you were so upset.

“What the hell Y/N?” He asked. He set his bag down quickly before running over to you and placing his hands on either sides of your face. “Are you alright?”

He was shocked when you grabbed his face and threw his hands down and in between the two of you. Anger coated your features while his remained scrunched up in worry. His eyes were full of confusion as he tried to find any reasoning to the mess surrounding the both of you. He tried to find out what had happened in order to fix things.

“Nothing happened. Nothing at all.”

“Y/N, you have to tell me the truth in order for me to help you.”

“You should know what happened! You should know why I’m upset. I shouldn’t have to remind you that you missed our anniversary after you had told me you would be here.”

He took a deep breath as the words left your lips and he straightened up. A hand lifted and he ran his fingers through his messy hair, the guilt eating away inside of him as he realized what he had done and why things had happened the way they had.

“I’m sorry.”

“Yeah, well sorry doesn’t cut it. Sorry doesn’t cut the fact that I’m the only one trying in this relationship anymore and all you do is run away to go and do your job. Relationships are about compromise and equality. I shouldn’t have to do everything by myself.” The words rushed out of you before you could stop them. A part of you knew that you would have to get it out now or else it would always just be another lingering thing between the two of you.

“You’re not the only one trying. I know it may not seem like I’m trying, but I promise I am. I’m doing everything I can to get off of practice early, I’m missing rehearsals to come see you, I skip recordings. It does eventually bite me in the ass you know.”

“I never asked you to do any of that for me.” You responded angrily, wondering why he was blaming you for his own actions.

“Yeah, well you sure demand it.” The words left his mouth and you bit your lip, trying to block out any other tears from falling from your eyes. “Maybe we should take a break.”

“Tae--”

“Don’t. Obviously this isn’t healthy for either of us. A break will probably be the best thing for the both of us. I’ll go sleep at the dorm tonight.” He was silent for a moment, watching your actions to make sure you weren’t going to do anything irrational before he decided to leave.

“Okay.” The words barely came out louder than a whisper as you watched the tension in his shoulders disappear. He seemed to relax a little bit as he turned around and grabbed the bag he had walked in with. You stayed put as you listened to the sound of the door close and the lock turn.

Your eyes wandered around the room, looking at the mess you had made. Things had gotten out of control and you knew you shouldn’t have taken it out on the room around you. A sigh left your lips and you took one more deep breath before heading into the kitchen and grabbing a broom to sweep up the mess.

You thought over everything that had happened that night as you swept up the glass, picking up the candle you had thrown and cleaning up the mess of the wax. You tossed the glass into an empty box before dumping it into the garbage.

Wiping down the table, you took a step to the right and felt something sharp pierce your foot, and as you lifted it from the ground you noticed the spot of blood on the wood. You took a seat quickly on one of the nearby chairs and looked down at your foot, blessing yourself that it hadn’t gone too deep.

You were too absorbed in your injury that you didn’t hear the door open once more, ignoring the sound of footsteps approaching the living room and walking up to you.

A yelp left you as Taehyung crouched in front of you, the first aid kit being set on the table next to you. You stayed quiet, watching as he disinfected the wound and used a pair of tweezers to pull out the small piece of glass. He cleaned the wound once more, no words being exchanged between the two of you as he put a bandage over the cut.

“I’m sorry.” You spoke softly, trying to keep your voice quiet in order not to scare him away. The words were the truth. You were sorry for everything that had happened earlier, knowing that he wouldn’t have left if you had just kept your cool and taken a deep breath before confronting him.

“I know.” He responded. He took your hands gently into his own and lifted them up to his lips to kiss, pecking each individual finger in the way that was totally Taehyung.

A small laugh left your lips before the smile left your face and you were once again fighting back tears. “I’m not good for you. I don’t know why you’re still with me.”

“I’m with you because I love you. I’m with you because I know that no matter what happens, no matter how big of a fight we have, you’re always going to love me as well. We’ll get through this, and I won’t make you do all of the work in this relationship anymore. But you had to understand that my job requires me almost as much as you do.”

“I know. And I’m sorry I didn’t understand that before.” His hand reached up gently, caressing your cheek in the way he had tried to earlier. You didn’t stop him this time, leaning into his palm and basking in the feeling of his touch.

“It’s alright. Now how about the two of us head off to bed. Let’s finish cleaning up in the morning.” You nodded, letting Taehyung’s hand wrap around your own, leading you into the bedroom where the two of you would fall asleep and wake up the next morning, with a new mindset to your relationship.

#bts #bts imagines #bts imagine #bts scenario #bts scenarios #bts drabble #bts drabbles #bts taehyung #taehyung bts #taehyung #kim taehyung #taehyung imagine #taehyung imagines #taehyung fluff #taehyung angst #bts angst #bts fluff

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kawaiigirlgoingghost · 5 years

Text

That one time a guys Ghost and Demon gave me more attention than he did- A Storytime

To preface this story- I've been single for 2 years- I do go on dates using tinder from time to time but I knew this dude through friends and he was a genuine dude (he just possessed the personality of wet cat food and is kinda douchey to women due to not being in relationships whatsoever)

I wouldn't just roll up at someones house like this typically and do what I did under most circumstances!

We will call him "Sasuke" b/c I cant think of anything else but Naurto rn ( R*O*C*K*S* )

The story

This story takes place back in beginning of December and I was 21 at the time. I was swiping on tinder one morning and I see Sasuke is on tinder. Last time I had heard something from him is when he spazzed on me for dating someone and I blocked him on snapchat! I swiped on him thinking, "Hes not going to swipe lol" Hahaha I was WRONG. He indeed did and completely forgot he said what he said to me -.- so I was shook and he wanted to hang out that night- at his house. I obviously snapped immediately and asked- "Why are you asking me over to your house? Sasuke we've never hung out!" He flipped and unmatched me. He acts like he does not follow my cosplay account on instagram so I find his page and slide into his DM's. He starts treating me A LOT differently (idk why. I think I was close to 300 followers at that time?? I dont think following should determine how you treat people in my opinion.) He apologized and said he was moving (side note: I still do not know if he did move because I decided the universe was doing me a favor that nice and made sure he was blocked off my private accounts.) I straight up asked Sasuke "So you're alone is what you're saying- in an empty house and you want me to come over?" Of course I'm expecting him to address the obvious red flags popping up- you know an empty house, you're there alone and you want me over? He doesn't and says I'll be fine. A couple people know this dude and in my mind I got this figured out "I'll just leave enough DNA evidence with my hair, shoes, fingerprints, google location like good luck murdering me and getting away with it lol"

It's the best mindset I have towards things and someone who doesn't understand the value of forensic evidence could believe they could get away with such a crime. Also, the thought of dragging my dead body tires me. I assume the killer would get messy anyway b/c ya know. They didnt really sign up for a work out session with murder I guess? I digress

I got over there and I park in the driveway (like I was informed to, I hate just parking in places other people have claimed as there spot yk? So I asked him where like 4 times) So I'm parked and waiting for him to come outside. It's around 5:30/6 during the bigging of winter so the sun is gone and it's dark already. As I'm waiting I'm staring at this home and I'm getting a vibe from it. Unless I see that door open I'm not getting out of my car it's way to dark outside. I'm looking at this house and it's very inviting but when I see him come out hes very starled. So I quickly learn hes scared to be alone at the house by himself not by him telling me but by how hes acting, which he could have said upfront, I'm not a bad person! I'd stay with someone to house sit if they were scared of spirits in their home! I get inside and the house was set up like a split level so you'd walk up the stairs and get to the main level of the home. The first room was like an entry room and it had really pretty paintings in it. I, almost immediately, felt something standing back against the wall staring at him and I. When you walk up the stairs you face the hallway and the kitchen. The feeling was to the left of me, not to the right towards the hallway. This becomes important and relevant information.

Now this spirit, hes a younger looking business man, very attractive if I may add, and hes around 6ft, 6ft 1. I can feel hes taller than me and he is absolutely pissed off. He's not pissed with me and I can feel hes not aiming anything at me, he is, however, annoyed I'm there. I'm now walking through the hallway to his room. He shows me his little step up and stuff, which it's cute and his camera equipment was on point! I heard a knock two doors down but I know he has 2 bigger dogs that he always keeps with him so I guessed he put them two rooms down so they didn't swarm to me coming up the steps. We leave his room and go back down the hallway, he doesn't let them out so I assume hes like, scare they'll hurt me?? We through the kitchen to get to the living room to sit with him and chat. He starts talking about how he's suppose to be getting gumies (the not scooby doo kind so 🚮) from this dude. I'm looking at dude Sasuke like he's stupid. I asked him why he wanted me over so badily if he was waiting for something like that to come. He said he wanted a girl to kiss and then I feel something watching me. I stop him in the middle of his fuck boy bs and ask him if he has family or friends here. He said no, he has a cat and I know he has 2 dogs. I'm like oh okay I love cats and he asks what we should watch. I skeme and make him watch Yu Gi Oh. He leaves me alone off and on for about 2 and half almost 3 hours. His cat kept coming and going which was super cute but I hadn't seen the dogs and safely assumed they were in the room 2 doors down from his bedroom. I could still feel the man in that room, kinda peaking through the doorway to check on me through the opening over the kitchen sink. (the couch was on the other side of it) I was totally fine with that as he wasn't up to anything crazy and I didn't feel like he was going to harm me.

We changed to watching some show I now forget and I had to use the bathroom. He showed me where it was and that was all fine. He went back down the street or whatever he was doing to wait for his gummies. I saw the cats food bowl was in there (relevant I swear) and I do my business and leave out the other door. I went through a bigger bedroom and back out into the hallway. I heard knocking at the door again and told the dogs to calm down and I want back into that little room. This mans spirit was now very upset and I sorta felt for him for whatever reason. I go back into the living room and sit down. The man is now closer, like inside the kitchen staring at me watching tv. I then hear Sasuke come back in and call to me. I follow basically in front of the Invisible Man and into Sasukes room. The man does not follow us through the hallway so I determine hes just keeping an eye on me for some reason. He can see me still b/c I feel him staring. Sasuke sits his gummies on his dresser (this is relevant important information to back up a personal theory) and didnt do anything else but walk back out with me.

I follow him out and I can feel this man growing more upset by the second. I rush through the kitchen into the living room and sit down on the couch furthest away from the opening to the kitchen. Sasuke starts trying to put the moves on me by kissing me and I feel the man come into the room. Hes pissed and feels hurt. I take it as a warning that something's not right and push on Sasuke to stop. I ask him

"Is your house haunted?" The energy from the man almost automatically settled. I got the saddest feeling from the man in the corner. They completely ignore the fact they have a spirit in the home (which in my opinion, if you know for a fact it's not a malevolent spirit you are directly ignoring something a spirit that was human and imo I think its trashy to do. Especially if this spirit does NOTHING BUT EXIST WITH YOU!!! You're basically roommates.)

This spirit was, very obvious to me at least, very upset he wasnt being acknowledged. I think he knew I could feel and see him in a way so he flocked to me. Sasuke sort of stops and gets bug eyed at the same time. He asked why I ask so I tell him.

"I feel something here, hes been watching me." I answered. I wasn't upset or freaked out, but Sasuke was. I remember this vividly due to the fact I've never had anyone freak out on me like this!! The man backed off almost completely when he felt Sasuke getting freaked out so if he ever claims he had a demon in his home at that point: that man didn't want to harm him or me whatsoever. He gets up and starts looking around the room- at the walls, down at the floor and on tables.

At first I was confused at what he was doing but I noticed he was looking at things he sees every day and would have a usual spot it stayed in. He was actively looking for proof of poltergeist activity (imo I never did ask).

He gets done running around and sits back down next to me. He's visibly more calm and relaxed so whatever he was running around for helped I guess? He then starts to tell me he use to play is ipod at night to tall asleep and a spirit would violently rip it off and throw it. Of course, I thought he was exaggerating because the spirits in my home display that activity but only when my mother and I are extremely busy and ignore them so to speak.

They also don't have to use energy to throw things so far, they move things on high shelves while we're in eyesight or make a dish towel fall. They know we respond to more relaxed behavior than more extreme behavior.

I straight up told him that's bs, the man you have seems really okay and you dont even have an ipod dock. He said that was before he moved into another room. I asked him which room he stayed in orginally and he walks me into the hallway and shows me the door. 2nd. From. His. He said he would wake up with scratch marks but I didnt take that at face value until I left. I ask him where his dogs were, while I was here I'd love to give them pets (I love animals yk) he said they were ALREADY AT THE NEW HOUSE WITH HIS MOM.

I told him I was not going to be scammed out of pets and I knew his pup were in there. He asked me had a seen them. I hadn't, obviously, so I took the L and walked back out with him. He then proceeds to tell me the family (mom and uncle I believe) used an Ouija board in the home. I automatically hear a crunching noise behind me and look for his cat. She wasn't where the noise came from. I asked if his cat had food somewhere else? Like in the bigger bedroom. He said no.

Something was trying to make itself known and it wasn't the man. The man knew I felt him and knew I acknowledged him fully, so he wouldnt need to use energy like that to get my full attention. I feel something so heavy now lingering by that door. I told him I dont mess with that, whatever is in here with that man means you harm. I grab my shoes and go into his room to get my purse and then he goes to eat his gummies since I'm leaving. He cant find the 3rd pack and eventually makes me dump my purse out on the floor because he thinks I'd steal it (I don't do drugs but okay) I didnt have it so I started to help him look. He found it deep inside his dresser drawer. I automatically left after that because whatever bad spirit/demon this was wanted me to stay longer than I had to. Imo- something was most definitely trying to delay me from leaving and wanted my attention, which tbh if it's not a good spirit, it's not getting my attention. I felt the mans spirit come near the railing to the steps as I'm walking down while Sasuke was trying to get me to stay, he felt more authoritative like and wanted me to leave. I never really got the chance to thank that kind business man spirit but you are the MVP of the universe let's you see this stuff. Probably working to be angel. I don't forget that night because it's important to note that spirits can be stuck around with a demons/bad spirits and that doesnt mean they hold ill intent for you either!! Whatever sort of darker spirit that is, is attached to hallway or the man doesnt let him venture beyond it. It didn't follow me so I assume it's also stuck to the space!

My ending theory is:

His house has two spirits stuck, a good boy and a bad boy

Hes naturally scared to be alone in the house. He could just not be use to energy like that so take that with a grain of salt

He was activity speaking about poltergeist activity (when you think about this, disregard the movie) he was looking for things moved around or out of place.

He said there was use of an Ouija board so I can come to the conclusion that he may just have a low level demon and a spirit stuck there. I'm pretty sure if it was anything higher it would have fed off his panicked energy and would have done something bigger than crunching. It could also be a really grumpy old man but idk.

The scratch marks don't happen usually from everyday spirits but I do have a story time about that though!

Anyway. Be safe, sometimes your tinder dates are scared to be in there own homes. Anyway until next time~

Kawaiigirlgoingghost out!

#ghostfacts #ghosts #ghost #paranormal #spiritual #spirit #haunting #haunted house #hanted

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riku-azhurlar · 6 years

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the true depth of stagnation and taking what you can get

So, first and foremost why I’m posting this here i don’t know. maybe its due too the fact no one except a few people know i have this. but maybe it'll help someone else before they end up like i was not to long ago. forewarning it will be a loooooong read so be prepared.

context

so before my realization of all this imagine me, 20, almost 21 finally get a girlfriend. never had one, girlfriend had some serious health problems and allergies. i at the time took it because i couldn't seem to get a girl otherwise and either it worked out or it didn’t and i got some dating skills for the next girl and we were friends since my junior year of HS. so i thought it waould be fine. so through the time i spent with her i grew to love her and it was the greatest time of my life! I at some point disclosed my mental problems to her because all of them are "silent" ones where if the person didn’t tell you you’d probably never notice. i started changing my habits and diet to better support her allergies. things were great!

when it all fell through...

so fast-forward a while we are engaged by this point and were talking wedding stuff with her mother. now as a quick side note no one in her house apposes anything her mother says, no one has a spine to do so. but then her mother made the mistake of insulting mine. i snapped at her. she got pissy holding my fiance and the insane amount of money she was putting into the wedding hostage for me to apologize to her. even though she was in the wrong! so i sucked up my pride for the girl i loved and who i thought loved me and apologized to her mother with a part saying very nicely and i quote "i would kindly appreciate it if you don't insult my mother again. you have no idea what she goes through on a daily basis" she agreed and that was that.

a few days later me and her had a D&D session with my room mates and somethings felt off. a few days later i was getting off work and saw i had a voice mail from her. i tried listening to it and it just sounded like her crying and then hanging up. i thought her mother did something. made sense. so i tried texting her because it was late and i didn't want to wake up my roommates. no response. tried texting her again the next day because i knew she was at her student teaching so she couldn't answer a phone call. i went into work worried sick for her. fast forward a few hours and I'm on my lunch break watching something on my phone, only had about 10 mins left, and i get a call from her i was so happy to finally hear from her so i quickly accept the call "Hey fiances name! i don't have much time left before i have to head back to work. whats up?"

the second she began to speak i knew i was in for something but i never expected it. through her obviously crying voice "my name i want to call off the engagement." my heart shattered. i asked her why and begged for her not too, begged for answers. what she gave me? "because of your mental problems its shown through recently you cant be supportive of me and i need a partner who can support me" i had a feeling her mother had a play in it so i asked if she did, she claimed she didn't but either way at that point i didn't know what else to say so i said "I'm sorry for being such a bother to you" and hung up. i stormed into the office trying to hold in my tears. what hurt even more is she didn't even let me tell my own mother! i immediately called my mother and she answered immediately with a "what the hell happened?!" in a good way. "i just got a text from ex-fiances name saying the engagements canceled" after explaining everything to the manager on duty she let me go early and i went home and cried. later that night i went to a close friend to help get my mind off of it.

The aftermath

so during the next week i had a lot of time to think. i gave up so much to support her and yet she couldn't be the support for me. first thing i wish i noticed sooner. and she had always said that i needed to find a better job. i worked retail at a Walgreen’s and loved it, but I’m like nah its fine it pays bills and i love going into work every day so whats the big deal? but i had realized i was just to content with my current state and wasn’t moving forward.

using the feeling and realization of this i applied and I got a better job somewhere else. moving forward with my life. whether it be just to help get my mind off of it, a subliminal goal to see what she left behind. but at around this time i remembered when we started dating my mindset then. i sent one last text to her "I didn't want to do this but i cant talk to you after everything, the person i thought finally got me and didn't judge me based on my mental issues but you obviously did just like everyone else. so after i send this text I’m blacklisting you and your mothers numbers and unfriending you both on fb maybe in 6 months a year maybe never who knows we can go back to being friends but if you ever think its that time im not blocking you on Facebook so you can message me there if you ever want to try to establish contact, if im ready for it I’ll respond. this is good bye."

what I’ve learned

If the mom is crazy controlling avoid her.

anyone can show a side of them that you’d never expect at any moment

don't stay stagnant always try and better yourself. small steps, be person that will make them regret their decision to leave you.

don use this method to get them back. if they do it once they will do it again.

use the pain as a catalyst

make sure if you're like me and have some mental problems taht are more "high functioning" you are 200% sure that they will not judge you based off of it if you tell them. let them get to know you without them before you let them know you with it

don't let the pain of the past hold you from the future you pursue. in time the pain will die off.

don't pretend the scars are not there because ignoring your past is the worst thing you can do. accept it and it will work a lot better

if people don’t accept you for the wonderful human being you are the do not deserve to be in your life

even the darkest hour can bring forth a brighter day just keep pushing foreword towards it.

#breakup #help yourself #stagnation #pass it on

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sss-drake · 6 years

Photo

So ive been playing nioh recently. Its good. Its fun. But shit is it frustrating. Im coming into this from a Souls mindset so you know how i approach combat, and yes i know, get good blah blah but that only works for so long. Nioh is great at turning certain points of a souls minded player on their head. Ninja theory knew what kind of people they were going to get but threw in some new stuff to shake em up. For example souls has taught me that when I block and you clang off my shield its MY turn to attack. Nioh? Hell no. And thats great. Very different. The stance system is amazing and intuitive. Death markers can summon and npc with the gear of that player for a fight which is rad as hell, I dont pay for online services so pseudo pvp like this is cool. Having both exp and money separate is a damn godsend, but somewhat worthless as i havent bought much of anything cuz the game has more loot than an mmo but i hear soul matching is expensive. Also i try to write these so that an outside perspective can read this with little to no knowledge but i havent the fucking foggiest what soul matching even is. Every place, EVERY single site ive read about it said its like infusing in Destiny and thats all the description they give. I dont play Destiny! So i dont know what the hell that means! Some things arent explained well. Anyway, on the some of my peeves. The Souls games have the idea of fairness in them, theres not much different between you and your enemies numbers wise should you be at the current level. Nioh I feel does not have this. I feel like nioh enemies are doing way more damage than you and you arent allowed mistakes. Losing all stamina is almost assuredly death. Sometimes it feels like character action games where its "oh did you get hit by that? Well it wont kill you but your recovery takes too long so the next one you cant dodge will." Nioh has a frustration level that i think is waay too high. Fighting bosses in souls is fuckin hard of course but conquering them is the rush of accomplishment that is the drug everyones hooked on. Only 2 bosses in nioh have not made me go "ugh fuckin finally i did it." Human type enemies that are bosses are just awful, 2 hits dead no mistakes it might as well be dive kick or titan souls. The healing system is a weird merging of estus(regen on death) and blood vials(numeric stock), you regen a stock number of heals at the shrine but can find more from dops to add to a total of 8, extras go to storage and if you die are you get your 8 if you have them. Thats fine during regular gameplay but during bosses you end up using your extras during your first few learner runs and by the time your competent to fight the boss you have only 4 or 5. Punishment isn't quite the term to use but it somewhat applies. It causes players like me to go in on bosses and refuse to heal for the first few runs, which could mean quicker deaths which means shorter runs which means less learned per run which means more runs and more frustration... see where im going? Its so close to working but the last gear is just a tad slanted. Alot of things in nioh are like that. Now Im not very far in the game, I hear its like crazy long for this game type but if this keeps up I doubt I'll ditch the game but ill certainly just be playing main missions to finish it and thats sad because theres soooo much side content. Im of the mind that souls does not need a difficulty slider. Nioh...might, it feels a little too character action game sometimes and those games sure as hell need difficulty selections. If I went in on dmc 3 and it was judt defacto hard mode I'd not be here right now. What I mean by this is that too often I feel that im meant to play PERFECTLY. I think anyone can agree that this is not acceptable. So as I started writing this I was coming off of a frustration drain quit, not a rage quit but past that, I was just was so dead and drained inside after failing for reasons out of my control that I just dropped the controller and hard powered down the ps4 and quit. I write these occasionally for games or shows I feel had an impact of me and this certainly has made me feel better and re-reading over this I still feel that my points are valid and not angry piss baby bitching.

#nioh #review #thoughts #dark souls #video games

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war-is-the-stupidest-invention · 4 years

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Wake Up: A Poem About a Day in the Life in May 2020

Wake up

Groggy, tired, afraid, kind of angry

Go to the bathroom, take a shower

Relax

Breathe in…. let the water warm you…

Breathe out

Finish, dry off,

Get dressed, stall…

I don’t want to face the day.

… No .. no more stalling it is ON

I can do this, it is ok, no you did not wake up too late, breathe.

Ok I’m ready, let’s do it

Go downstairs

Feel the sorrow, fear, love, numbness, wait no it is in your head they are ok

Say hi, talk, love, feels like something is off… no no no its in your head its ok breathe.

Get food, get water, start the day

Homework, News, World, School

Get work done, be productive, be productive, be productive….

It is so hard to learn about history and the world when the world is still the same just with more pain, more trauma, more sadness.

But wait ..there is also more understanding, more connection, more love. Breathe out.

Look up it is already 2pm NO stop procrastinating, do better you shit. Whoa.

Where did that come from why the anger why the shame why … Stop. Breathe out

Breathe in get water.

Turn on the computer see the world: fear, hatred, fires, racism, nationalism, religious war, more fear àfeel everything. Learn, absorb, share.

Go to a class: learn, listen, share, learn more

It is over, why am I filled with love, I want to give more love, the answer is love and knowledge, I can do better to share it.

Reconnect to the world again computer/ phone see hear feel friends and family

Black lives matter

Protests: a sign of a flawed society

Riots: a sign of a flawed society that REFUSES to fix itself

Generations, decades, lifetimes of oppression, fear, slavery, hatred, racism, economic suppression, poverty, death, fear, death, fear, death, fight back, death, fight back, death, FIGHT BACK

Support, listen, learn, advocate, yell, yell, YELL, change the systems, change things, change them, do better, CHANGE THINGS!

Oh wait what was their response again?

It is not that easy.

Change things

It is not possible

CHANGE THINGS

Ok we will do one little thing

NO.

CHANGE.

THINGS!

Sorry

We tried now YOU are wrong we cannot change things

WHAT

Yes you are demanding too many things

What

Yeah it is your fault

NO change things

No more oppression, they want equal opportunities, they want jobs, they want education, they want water, they want a good home, they want a free community, they want freedom, NO more discrimination.

Change Things

CHANGE things CHANGE THINGS We can do better, I know you understand!!!!

Yeah ….

We hear you

We will try.

*millions of voices*: Change things! black lives matter! do better! please care! stop killing! please CARE!!

We will try.

Violence. Death. Hatred. Fear.

But we do CARE.

“Then do better.”

We cannot control the systems.

YES, YOU CAN!!!

THAT is the whole Point.

“We are trying.” How can we just change everything?

You can we will help but you must start. Please start to change things. Please looks at the flaws in your systems and engage in changing them we will help we can do this together we Must.

I am angry

I am hurt

I am sad

I am Sorry

The first time I felt this “sorry” came 4thSORRY should have come FIRST!!

I am sorry,

I gained from your pain.

I am SORRY. i want better for you. i do not want any more deaths. i am sorry for my privilege.

I am sorry my mom asked me who is that girl

I said a friend

She said you cannot talk to her anymore

I asked why

She said you know why

I am sorry in 5thgrade I knew why I understood what she meant it felt so wrong and confusing and mean

I said nothing back

I am sorry the next day at school I ran home while you yelled after me to wait up

I am sorry I turned around and said I can’t hang out with you anymore

I am sorry I kept running

I am sorry I listened to the wrong voice

I am sorry your screams to want to talk to me, to walk with me, to be my friend were blocked but the voices that told me i shouldn’t be your friend reached my head I am sorry that I ignored you and cried but did not stand up and turn around and did not listen to you

most of all I am sorry to the voices that I did listen to that day

I am sorry I have prejudices against you unless I question them every single day. I am sorry you feel things from everyone around you that you should never have to feel and hear.

I am sorry that you had to endure all that you did. I am so sorry you had to lose a child, a loved one, a member of your community almost every day. I am sorry you have to feel afraid, hurt, confused, exhausted, and angry. I am sorry that everything good you feel from joy to love gets erased in a second when you tun on the news and hear someone lost a life because they were like you.

I am so so so sorry.

I know it is not enough

I hope we will do better for you.

I hope we will all uphold your injustices every single day and do better.

I hope we will vote and let You vote better.

I hope we will do enough to lessen your pain. I am sorry for your loss, for your generations of pain, for your sadness, for your anger, for your injustice. I AM SO SORRY.

I hope you heal

I hope you get the chances they got and we got.

I hope you get what we got. I am sorry. I hope you get the best in this world.

I will fight

We will all fight

WE MUST FIGHT Every single one of US who is befitting off the lives of black people, indigenous people, poor people, laborers, immigrants, and so many others. WE MUST FIGHT. If you are here hearing this in grad school, you are as privileged as me and probably even more so. Let US do better. Please.

We can do this, we can convince others to do this, we can fight for those oppressed in this country for so long who WE reaped the benefits off of. Please, let US do better.

Protests and Riots. Protests and riots. The history of humanity. Protests and riots.

Protests means standing upagainst someone who has hurt you.

Riots means getting away from the person who keeps hurting you.

Protests: racism, systemic oppression, poor education, flawed housing, voting oppression, districting, red lining, no water, bad food, lack of access to money, violence, police brutality, lack of rights.

Riots: Abuse, fear, hopelessness, violence, trauma, ignorance, fascism, years and decades of suppression, outward oppression, lack of change, more fear, more hatred, more deaths, more mourning, more anger, more protests, no change. No change. NO CHANGE.

Something happens.

Here it goes AGAIN: Abuse, fear, hopelessness, violence, trauma, ignorance, fascism, years and decades of suppression, outward oppression, lack of change, more fear, more hatred, more deaths, more mourning, more anger, more protests, no change.

No change.

NO CHANGE.

Fuck that.

WE MUST CHANGE.

WE WILL CHANGE.

The only option is CHANGE.

Fix the systems, change our mindset, change our prejudices, change our communities, change our laws, change ourselves, change the flow of money, change the government.

__________________________________

Everyone comes home.

Sorrowful eyes

Sad environment

Absorb the feelings, absorb the pain, absorb the love

“are you ok?”

“yes of course.”

lie.

Burrow it

No, address it and try to move on.

Apologize. I am sorry mom, sister, brother, for your pain. I am sorry.

…. The door swings

…SLAM….

Silence

More quiet. Do not go downstairs. Do not talk. It will be ok just be quiet.

SHHHH Everyone pretend to be OK only 25 more days till the separation.

The oldest, “wait, but…. you said that 10, 7, 5, and 4 years ago.”

“I mean it this time.”

Oldest: “Ok I understand. thank you for agreeing with me. let us do this. It will be ok. I will be your rock put your burdens on my back I am strong I am young I can. help.

Whatever decision you make I support you”

They vent, i listen, they transfer their feelings to me I take and destroy them. destroy me

but why are you seeing it as destruction why cant it just be a talk just words letting out the emotions held inside for so long don’t you see it is just words and actions from the past needing to escape you just opened the doors it does not mean you have to fight the monster inside

Yes… but how can i just ignore the monster when it is hurting them all the time I see it I feel it

Yes but who feels you?

They do.

Oh,

I am hurting them too.

Fuck.

Let it be.

It is ok you can learn from this you can apologize you can help when they ask you can change.

Breathe out

Time to Eat.

Drink water.

Look around the kitchen, see everyone in the living room, feel where they are, whew it is ok.

It is night everyone is exhausted go upstairs watch a movie.

Hear about sibling’s day listen learn love

Scroll through your phone news, news, news, news, news

Consume alcohol

Watch the movie

Drink more

Tired.

I am sorry.

I am sorry I could not do better for you, for the world, for this family, for myself.

I am sorry but I hope everyone has a moment of peace, and love, and joy, and satisfaction.

Hope things change

Hope.

Sleep

I am sorry.

I am sorry. I am sorry.

I am sorry.

Repeat.

(((go back to the beginning)))

#Repeat over and over and over #Life #Poetry #Poem #my poem #original poem #blacklivesmatter #personal

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sarahburness · 6 years

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Why I Can’t Always Be the “Strong One” and What I Do Now Instead

“You are not your struggles. You are the survivor who keeps moving forward in spite of them.” ~Lori Deschene

My mom was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder when I was seven years old. It’s a chronic condition that doctors say can be managed but not cured. The symptoms included manic high energy, depression, delusions, hearing voices, reduced need for sleep, and loss of touch with reality.

There were many times of stability for her, when she was on the right medication, taking it routinely, and attending regular psychotherapy. But if any of these elements were missing, those moments were often short-lived.

She was the type of woman who would speak to anyone in eyesight, make an instant connection, and fill the atmosphere with the kind of joy and laughter that would make anyone think of happy times.

For me, as I knew her well, any extreme traits that did not resemble these were signs that her body was not responding to the medicine and she was having what doctors call an “episode.” These were the times I knew she had to be hospitalized for stabilization. Some episodes were milder than others, but all resulted in my sister and I having to make the tough decisions, for my mother’s well-being, that deep down inside hurt us to the core.

We were like the three amigos, my mother, little sister, and me. We had a powerful bond, and my mother, being a single parent, taught us to be strong, independent, confident women. Growing up, I didn't know that my mom having her episodes would become the norm, and taking her back and forth to the hospital would become routine.

Years later it would never get easier, and each time felt like the first time. Each time I had to put on my armor jacket of strength, suck up my feelings of sadness, and be strong for my mother when she was not able to do that for herself. I had no idea back then that learning how to be so “strong” would eventually be my downfall.

I remember my first time taking my mom to the hospital. My heart raced and my chest filled with so much pressure it felt as if I was about to explode. I was filled with such overwhelming sadness, anger, and helplessness that I couldn't even express if I wanted to. It wasn't the time.

As we sat with my mother in the emergency room, waiting for her to get called back, everything moved in slow motion. Her rage of being taken to the hospital without her initial consent filled my ears with such vulgar slurs and hurtful words that I regularly had to remind myself it was her “condition” talking, not her.

Life can put us in situations where we are forced to be strong even when we feel weak inside. Society will give you the impression that being strong is a good thing. We are programmed to show strength and not express our weakness. It’s almost this hidden outlook as if expressing your weakness will allow someone or a situation to break you, and once we are broken, we can’t put the pieces back together.

We become so good at portraying strength; we fool others into believing that we have everything under control and do not need help. But, as I found over the years of being the strong one and continually putting on my armor jacket of strength, I was doing more harm to myself than good.

Here are some lessons I've learned since realizing that being the “strong” one is not always the best solution:

1. Don’t isolate yourself from others.

There were many times when my mother's episodes were extreme, and I didn’t want to share my feelings with anyone in my inner circle. I felt like no one would understand what I was going through, and it felt like I was in a battle all by myself. Unlike a physical disease, there are so many negative stigmas that can come with having a mental disorder. The fear of both my mother and I being judged and ridiculed was enough to keep my emotions and thoughts to myself.

During these times being social was the last thing on my mind. I avoided social outings with friends and family like the plague because I felt like I was going through things they wouldn't understand.

The more I isolated myself, the more toxic my mind became. When I was by myself, I would constantly dwell on my negative thoughts. They would race through my mind all day, and it was extremely hard for me to see the positive.

On the days when I did have a brief interaction with my friends, I was no longer the voice of reason but instead the “Debby Downer” who no one wanted to be around. The calls eventually slowed down, and my circle of friends became smaller and smaller.

Contrary to what I believed, when I finally decided to open up it made a world of difference for me. When I told a close friend the details of what I was going through, she said she could sense something was wrong with me and extended her listening ear. Even though she wasn't able to directly relate, she had a close friend whose sister had a similar diagnosis, so she was able to understand my concerns and offer a few stress management tips.

This one little moment speaking with my friend felt so freeing. I was finally able to open up to someone and not feel as if I was in a battle all by myself. Moments like those helped me realize that isolating myself was not aiding my strength but actually adding unnecessary stress.

When you isolate yourself, you tend to feel like you’re in battle alone and forget that it's innate for people who care about you to want to be there for you. Your friends and loved ones will be able to sense when something is wrong and will naturally want to offer support. By opening a dialogue, you might be surprised by how many people can relate in some way.

Even if someone is not able to directly relate, there are hidden messages of encouragement that you can receive when you least expect it. Allowing yourself to be around others during these times can make a shift in your energy, which can help make your days brighter.

2. Don’t hold your feelings inside.

I think one thing many tend to forget is that holding your feelings inside doesn’t make them go away. When you bottle your emotions inside you are allowing the pressure of the build-up to take control of your body. These feelings cause more harm than good. When worrying becomes excessive, it can lead to feelings of high anxiety and cause you to become ill. Stress, according to the American Psychological Association, is the leading cause of some of the most severe chronic diseases.

In the early years of my mother’s diagnosis, I would allow stress to consume my life. When high levels of stress would occur, I frequently became sick. I would frequent the doctor for stomach pains and was soon told that continuing on that path could result in causing a stomach ulcer.

Being “strong” does not mean that you need to keep things bottled up with no outlet. This is an unconscious thing we tend to do without thinking about the long-term effects. It is vital that we allow ourselves to handle the crisis by finding a positive outlet. Meditation and exercise can be great tools to use that will allow you to release the energy needed.

3. Let yourself be vulnerable.

In every healthy relationship, there must be a sense of vulnerability. Whether we’re talking about a romantic relationship or a friendship, vulnerability is needed for each person to be in their truth and for the connection to be genuine.

When you are put in situations where you have to be strong at all times you tend to build a wall up, what I like to call the “wall of protection.” This is a wall that builds over time and grows as you are forced to overcome more adversity.

The more you are forced to be strong and fight your battles, the higher the wall gets. In these moments of struggle, you are forced to take on an intensive militant mindset, figure out the problem quickly, and find the solution. You have no room for errors or mistakes. Because you are the strong one, your mind thinks if you allow a mistake everything will crumble.

I spent years unconsciously pushing people away without knowing it. I was accustomed to handling every battle that came my way on my own. My “wall of protection” eventually turned into this hard exterior that pushed everyone away, including men I was dating. It shielded my soft, playful side and turned me into someone who was a pro at masking her emotions.

How can you have a genuine relationship with no vulnerability? How can anyone get to know you if they only see and understand one side of you? Eventually, that relationship will drift away because it has no foundation to stand on.

By putting on your strong masquerade, you block others from seeing the real you. Without allowing someone to get to know you, including your fears and what makes you happy and sad, they are just getting to know your representative, not your true self.

What if you didn't have to fight the battle alone? By allowing yourself to be vulnerable and admitting when you are going through hard times, you allow yourself to receive love. And love is by far the most prominent weapon one needs to overcome whatever obstacles come his or her way.

About Lauren Marie Williams

Lauren Marie Williams is a transformational business coach for ambitious women and new entrepreneurs. She created a Morning Routine Plan that will help you make a powerful shift in your life in only five days. You can download your FREE copy here www.bit.ly/theultimatemorning.

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The post Why I Can’t Always Be the “Strong One” and What I Do Now Instead appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://tinybuddha.com/blog/why-i-cant-always-be-strong-one-what-do-now-instead/

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deeeknows · 7 years

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While I might hurt a feeling or two God is still working with me and as a huge disclaimer I suck and everything I try to do on my own sucks so if there are any parts of what I will go into saying that you disagree with give it about 3 honest minutes of chewing before you have my permission to never read my blog again. Unless you enjoy spitting up all over yourself XD. All good parts of this Blog will be God inspired so the credit goes to him.

I don't wanna leave anything out so skip to the good parts if you ever get bored. I promise I wont tell anyone.

June 14

Came and went but what I do remember the most is the drive up. not because i missed my mommy which i might have but because it would be setting the tone for everything that this next 6 weeks was going to be. I rode with my neighbor up and it was a cool little trip until we got off exit 51. The usual city stuff I was used to and could deal with easily especially sitting in the back seat lol. but as we trecked closer and closer to 318 S Gilmore St ya boy started to get a little more and more worried about where I was going and what I was going to be doing because of who I was riding with. then came the dreaded question, "uhhh do you know where you are, you sure you're gonna be ok?" important part. I was so comfortable with being a christian when the relationship was just me and God. But, as soon as I was expected to communicate my decision I made with God with anyone I didn't wanna do it anymore because just saying i want to do anything solely in Gods name turned me I became the crazy which no one could relate. but thats just telling you the mindset i came into this program with. hopefully i didn't lose too many of you people yet.

June 15

today was my first full day in baltimore city and i have many emotions it started with daily prayer and that was chill but early. we started with downloading about the passage on bonding as missionary and what stood out to us. Important part serving a place is about serving the people there. and there is no way i can serve people I haven't created a bond with. I'm not here to be bonding with the people i came with. thats gonna happen regardless. I'm here to make sure that the south west baltimore can see God and how he is working in the city.

We began to talk about what were some of the community questions some other people might have about the new city we were coming into and seeing what we could learn from the people who were engaged. that was fun we were talking to folks who worked around here in the shops that weren't abandoned as well as 2 police officers. Important part the people were so quick to distance themselves from the violence that was "over there". I want to find out more about this and see what others think about why this community struggles so much to grow together in unity. then was dinner at primos which was chill the best thing there was the pineapple soda which was a change in pace from the tap water. I also went to the prayer which was cool to see these strange white people out here on FIRE for God. It was refreshing. I was told there I have eyes of fire and im going to heal and peace will travel with me so im writing it down for memory sake. my favorite thing was the NA meeting today. Lee spoke and it was scary how well he knew himself and Important part the steps he took to get better all remind me of how in my walk the only way I get to take any steps on the road to recovery is with someone walking along side of me, well second day down.

June 16

Here we go. The 3rd day was just as good as the last couple. Nah that was a lie but thats besides the point. It started with bible study on what “is” from our ought is little thingy. We studied the fall of man this morning and how it was centered around our idea for self sufficiency. Important part we wanted to be able to provide for ourselves and live without God but that was just impossible. And I fell in love again with what God did instead of doing what he promised the man and the women. Important part God loved the men and women more than animals he sacrificed to make them skins and stay in community with them. Afterwards we went on a walk around the block and I saw bruce street. what a sight. I wanted to take a picture of the streets. boarded homes and the almost Prison yard of a block and the people who were protecting it. I see the people there and they are on my heart daily. the one way street does it justice. then we played ball with Ty and Justin and Juwan. Afterwards I rewatched 13. the documentary was hard to watch and be a spokesperson for all black men in america but that happens. i didnt like it at all actually, but thats alright its not about me 🙄 I am helping people see the the black experience. thankful for doing that hard things that i still dont wanna do but have to.

June 17

Today started with the same old I even ate breakfast today which I guess changes things up a little bit. I guess I was feeling freeky. But we studied with Uesin today the book of Ruth. not Ester, Ruth. and it was a story about the redeeming of both and how boaz was THE MAN. Important part But what I couldn't think more about was how Ruth would not let go of Naomi and how I want to develop relationships like that with people who are are not even “my people” but yeah that was the highlight of my day. Then we went to buy food and then from there went to the refugee dinner. Never mind I change what I was going to say. This was the highlight of my day dont know why im keeping this in here but comic relief is good for the soul.

Regardless of how amazing the food was and how sorry the situation of the process to become a refugee in america was we had two muslim families here who cooked US dinner. This blows my mind. This whole time I was thinking we were going to be just Talking to them but when we got there I was greeted with a new reality. These people weren’t eating and some described their time in the US as worse than the camps in Jordan. Important part So my prayer for these folk will be for the “language” barrier we have here in the US. Not to make it easier because english sucks but to make the people in these communities see the need and start to work with the folk. the communication is frustrating and can be a roadblock to people trying to get an education and even lead to them dropping out of school because of the culture shock and all that nice stuff. yeah in the end baltimore school not going easy on the Syrian families and they need our help to come along side and meet them halfway.

June 18

and then it was sunday. My day started with Megan and the farmers market. what I remember from watching the people was how the blacks lined up outside of the market and were all there just in a huge crowd. It was hard to see. the city making its attempt to grow. As i got to walk through I was most struck by how not black the market was. and i knew that because of who was selling and what people were buying. almost every stand was a white family and that wasn’t bad it just is another example of people coming into the city to address the needs here and the city losing its money to “outsiders” the folks who were living there dont get pay taxes on the food they were buying and everything is cash there. but i saw some characters XD and spent much of my time praying for and observing the people who were out and about on the sunday morning. ill be there next week again because of my love for people watching and fresh food tho lol.

my next stretch point came when praying over the sermon and doing it the way i do it at home. with the holy spirit guiding me and im glad my fake shell deteriorating. but the sermon was about for me seeing the city the way God does and if i do how will my actions change accordingly. Important part I want to see a redeemed baltimore and pastor Hopkins made it me see that there is no way it happens without the church people living and building communities in the gutter. we are here now, lets set up camp and use the rest of Jeremiah 29. my trip to baltimore inner harbor was cool the east side is completely different than the west and i definitely wanna see more of what thats about. lastly my highlight of the day was at the latino service. not only did it make me miss home T-T but i learned about phillip and how to address people in the community by the direction of the holy spirit and that his timing will do all the hard work. Important part man that Spanish service also helped me to see that the communities here all want the same thing and are using the similar methods so maybe we try something new or try something together. the churches are here to address the needs of the community i like how city minded these communities are here in the inner city. yeah the murder rate through the roof but the children here are so intelligent and valuable to me that i cant let it go. this was my first time practicing the sabbath i like this way of thinking.

June 19

Juneteenth. Today I learned what 10:12 sports is and got to see into the heart of Brother Jeff Thompson. He is a man with the zeal for God and wants to do so much for these kids in his neighborhoods near and far across the baltimore city. He has almost adopted these two kids picking them up for a bite to eat and just spending time goal setting with them. lil Wayne and Teon were there names since I was looking for who to pray for. but i learned much from the youth just their little goal setting session showed me the heart of many of the children I believe are in this area. of course its not the same when other people are around so these 1 on1 sessions are going to go really well. Important part they have goals. pull them out of the kids because they know where they wanna go and if they dont start them dreaming and ask how you can help them get there. after we went to silver spring and back and then i cooked dinner and popped my hand real bad on the oil. but thats regular. the evenings we started VBS and i know my love for the kids is starting to seep out but they just want some attention and all at once is impossible but Im not sure how to do that and educate them all yet. partner grouping might be too soon for these young ones but maybe personalized lessons with 2-3 would prove beneficial. time will tell

June 20

today was another good day started off like they all do. prayer and community. we went and picked up all the kids and went to see pastor Andrew? i be forgetting names. but what was so striking about this encounter was how passionate brother Jeff was pursuing these kids. Like he wouldn't not take no for an answer. And it looked like he wanted them to go more than they wanted to go. And not that it was bad but they just wanted to do what they were used to and what they were comfortable with. Beach trips to ocean city which arent bad but they arent going to change your life every week. What i see in addition is how to guide the child to what you know will be good for them. Plus teaching them about life through weeds and pouring into them with the resources with what you have. expect much and give more was what I learned from today. driving all around the city picking and waiting on kids brother Jeff is officially brother Jeff to me as well after today. The respect is there. What else I did was the VBS and I love those kids man they gotta keep growing to meet my expectations Important part the trick is keeping them high and moving them higher steadily even if they dont meet them not to forget that they are still worth my time and i GLADLY give it when I have it. much love.

yeah so based on how I feel about this later on after its posted and time to proofread XD i might do something like this next week. hope you got lost somewhere in there and you needed to think twice about something because other wise ill make this more complicated. jkjk but sorry about the capitalization stuff and grammar thats more effort than im willing to give. I hope it doesnt ruin it for you. Important part my last impression would be to find a good book and drink more tea. My challenge for you this week would be to leave your phone on your bed when you leave in the morning. My question for you would be how can i get these children outta there homes before 3pm ?

#bup #deeeknows #me #week1

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