#also I am legitimately sorry for my absence my lovelies

[moon-swag-tourney]

Propaganda below!

Princess Yue

She was blessed by the moon spirits than turned into the moon herself. No one can compete with that. 

The Sokka & Zuko "Well, my first girlfriend turned into the moon." / "That's rough, buddy." meme is referencing Yue - that's the girlfriend that turned into the moon!

THE moon character of all time like c'mon. she turned into the moon. will her sacrifice be for naught??? she's yue from avatar the last airbender c'mon guys

She sacrificed herself to save her people even though she had just found someone who loved her as a person and not a princess. She's all about sacrificing her own wants for duty, and right when she starts to realize maybe that's a little unfair she has to become the moon spirit and leave behind all the people she loves.

And she's pretty.

How many characters are the literal moon. How many.

Bro. She's the moon. She IS the moon. 

Vote Yue for Sokka's same

She's very much and selfless, becoming the moon spirit to save the world from permanent imbalance.

She IS the moon

That's rough, buddy

You know the meme "my girlfriend turned into the moon" "that's rough buddy". This is that girlfriend. This is that moon. 

She literally is the moon.

She played a major role for a one-off character

Victim of forced marriage

Her interactions with Sokka were really funny

She has white hair, what's not to love

Legitimately I love her, underappreciated in the fandom for how great she is.

"My first girlfriend turned into the moon."

"That's rough buddy."

"My first girlfriend turned into the moon."

"That's rough buddy." 

She died in a main character's arms & it fucked him up SO bad. It affects him thru to the end of the show & keeps coming up. LOVE it when main characters get traumatized!!

Della Duck

just look at her shes badass she amputated her own leg and made a prosthetic out of spare rocket parts shes not perfect but shes trying her goddamn best to be a good mother okay she is The character ever

greatest character of all time!

dear tournament runner i am so so sorry for the essay i'm about to write but i am not normal about my girl della

della duck is donald duck's twin sister and huey dewey and louie's mother

the whole history behind her is so interesting bc she unintentionally became the greatest mystery of the disney duck comic verse

one of disney's many weird rules is that their main 6 characters are not allowed to have children or parents. this rule is kinda wobbly in the sense that on one hand, it does get broken (goofy has a son in some canons & donalds mother is shown in some comics (though only in scrooge's flashbacks, she's never allowed to interact with donald)), on the other hand, it also tends to sometimes get applied to characters who are not part of the main 6 but still main characters. this rule meant, that when they wanted their main characters to interact with kids, they invented nieces and nephews. which had the added bonus that when they wanted to stories without them, they didn't have to explain the kids' absence (like for example mickey's nephews, which barely ever appear and, fun fact, were actually invented before huey dewey and louie). so, in one newspaper comic strip, huey dewey and louie were introduced and with them, della was mentioned for the first time, in a letter asking donald to take care care of the boys while their father is in a hospital from a prank they pulled. (said father was never mentioned again btw.)

after that, della didn't appear again for a while, and several shorts and comics revealed that donald has legally adopted the kids. different comics implied that donald has been taking care of the triplets their entire life, instead of just since recently like in their first appearance.

later comics actually showed della for the first time - however, only in flashbacks to donald's childhood. these comics also made her donald's twin. the only piece of media that showed her as an adult was her portrait in the duck family tree.

that is, until 2014 the first comic showing adult della and her fate was released - a dutch comic that was only reprinted in brazil, germany and the netherlands, and even in those countries, anything containing this story is pretty hard to get. it was never officially translated to english (thank god for fantranslations, tho). this comic showed della as a pilot, who tested a rocket and got lost in space when huey dewey and louie were babies. this is where her association with space and a lot of her ducktales 2017 characterisation originates from.

so, let's get into her biggest ever appearence - the ducktales reboot!

from the very beginning of this show, she's set up as the big overarching mystery - a little bit like the author from gravity falls. the pilot ends with dewey discovering a painting of her. it's a very shocking moment and for most viewers the first time they've ever seen della.

so like in the comic, she's a pilot, and she's been going on adventures with donald and scrooge for years. scrooge builds a rocket for her as a surprise gift for when her children hatch but she finds out about it and decides to take it for a test ride, during which she crashes it on the moon. so, she's stuck there, but nothing can stop della duck! she spends the entire 10 years fixing the rocket until she finally manages to get back to earth to her kids.

della is funny, strong, determined and just one of the best characters in the entire show. and she tries so hard to be a good mom to her kids after being absent for a decade even though she struggles so much to adjust back to life on earth.

i just love della so so much

[pilots-and-protons]

Sorry, that ask wasn’t meant to upset you. I was just letting you know why Tom not having a wedding ring in Lower Decks likely wasn’t a continuity error. Since it’s kind of shitty to call the animators careless or lazy for something like that, especially on a show with as much love and attention to detail put into it as Lower Decks

Ok fine, I will answer this one.

First of all, I did not call the animators lazy or careless and I don't like you implying that I did. What little I have seen from LD has delighted me, and I appreciate wholeheartedly how much they actually reference and joke about Star Trek with love.

What I said (in a post on my blog with all of like 10 followers), was that I was offended they didn't take the time to animate Tom's wedding ring. Now, I shouldn't have to put long disclaimers on every short text post I make here on tumblr dot com, but I guess this time apparently I do.

I am very aware that it is a tiny and minor detail (especially in terms of animation), which the (often underpaid) animators probably didn't have the time or luxury to put in. But I also know that I am autistic and often fixate on minor details that I KNOW a lot of people just won't think about. So yes, I still have every reason to believe that people either forgot about it (and that is understandable; wedding rings are very old fashioned in a futuristic setting), or didn't think it was important enough to include (again, possibly because of money or time issues which are, again, completely understandable and not the animators' fault).

What you're missing is the POINT of the original post, which is just that I was sad - because Tom's arc of growing into a committed husband and family man is very important to his character. So not including this one obvious indication of his arc in a new and often very detail-oriented show (which notably makes no indication of Tom's relationship at all), was personally disappointing to me. THAT IS ALL. Especially since nothing that happens in the episode would need to address the absence of B'Elanna with or without the ring (since it already didn't).

As a side note, many books and even the most recent 2022/23 IDW comic have all included the fact that Tom is a married man with a family - even when B'Elanna is not present in the story. Regardless of whether someone is available to voice-act or not, in a clearly one-shot episode appearance for Tom, I'm legitimately not sure why LD did not include any reference to it. I think it would have been entirely in-character to hear from someone that B'Elanna is annoyed Tom's going around on a handshake tour while she's busy doing real work. But even if no one wanted to force it into dialogue, including the ring would have still given us something for a relationship that was carefully built over multiple seasons of the source series.

Lastly, if you've been on this blog at all you should know that I am clearly a fan of Tom/B'Elanna (among other ships). So I'm really not sure why you'd think that coming into my askbox to insist all post-Voyager canon would either have B'Elanna divorced from Tom or DEAD, wouldn't make me upset!?

[veliseraptor]

How did Shuanghua accept Xue Yang as a wielder of its spiritual power? Was Xiao Xingchen so trustful and welcoming (loving?) of Xue Yang that even his sword spirit accepted him as a legitimate master - despite him being the very cause for Xiao Xingchen's demise and the sword having been used as the means for it? Sorry for the random ask....

oh man this is an interesting question and I have had to take some time to noodle on it in the way it deserves.

I know there was a post floating around on this website about Shuanghua that was...very interesting, though I don't know if I feel like going digging for it. (probably I'll end up digging for it.)

but before I do that - I think one argument is one to be made for just how extensive/precise the sentience of sword spirits is. like, yes, Baxia in CQL has its whole...thing, going on, but Baxia in CQL is also acting as a replacement for Nie Mingjue's corpse, so that's a little different; I don't know that we see that same kind of seeming "awareness" from other swords in text.

(and actually I just remembered the fact that Xue Yang uses Baxia at least in CQL to literally behead Nie Mingjue so in that canon at least...)

"but Suibian," you might be thinking, and that is true and it's definitely interesting to me that somehow Suibian "recognizes" Wei Wuxian despite him being in a different body in some way distinct from how it "recognizes" Wei Wuxian's golden core in Jiang Cheng.

but on the other hand one could say that if Suibian sealed itself against being wielded by anyone else then why wouldn't Shuanghua, which, well, I don't know that we see other swords seal themselves that way either - in my recollection Suibian seems to be sort of special and its "bond" with Wei Wuxian unusually strong.

"so why is Lan Wangji able to take it away then, and seems to indicate that his doing so is about Xue Yang's 'worthiness' to wield it" well, Lan Wangji is more powerful than Xue Yang is; it honestly could just be a matter of force and Lan Wangji expressing an emotional reaction - something he believes to be true but is not necessarily literally or factually a factor in that specific instance.

but none of that is very satisfying! because it more or less amounts to "well, it didn't know any better" and in a world where we are granting swords at least some level of awareness/understanding/spiritual link with their wielders...

I am, as is typical for me, going to go less "this is my definitive answer" and more "here's some possible options I'm tossing around."

one thought is that it was a matter of familiarity - that in the absence of Xiao Xingchen, Xue Yang is at least a...known quantity, and one who is potentially closely linked enough to be an acceptable bearer if not substitute. I mean, he may have actively held Shuanghua at times (he certainly offers to do so) but at the very least he’s a presence who would be known, familiar, and beloved by Xiao Xingchen at least right up until the very end. he’s a friend! and he’s not the one who actually killed Xiao Xingchen, after all - Xiao Xingchen is. from a sword’s perspective, depending on awareness, Xue Yang’s role in Xiao Xingchen’s actual death was pretty minimal.

(and what kind of betrayal would that be, if a sword is bonded with its wielder in a very intimate way - to be used as a weapon against them?)

if Shuanghua didn’t know about the fact that it was killing actual living human people, then there’s no real reason to assume that would change when Xiao Xingchen finds out - I don’t think it’s, like, psychic.

but if we want to go even further down the road of that “familiarity” mention, I think about the conjunction of two things about Xiao Xingchen that are true: his immense loneliness and the fact that (I believe) one of the reasons he turns his sword on himself is because he can’t bring himself to turn it on Xue Yang, and how awful/unforgivable (from his perspective) is that?

so granting Shuanghua sentience - betrayed by Xiao Xingchen (by being used to shed his blood), alone in the absence of Xiao Xingchen/set adrift from its master, and depending on how linked to Xiao Xingchen it is...there’s someone to reach out to/latch onto right there. and I can imagine this being furthered by the way that Xue Yang latches onto Shuanghua right back as a material remainder of Xiao Xingchen that he can carry with him and hold onto with the very present idea that eventually - eventually! when he can trust him again! - he’ll be able to return it to Xiao Xingchen.

and now I’ve made myself emotional! anyways.

(and I found the post! here it is. also found this post about Suibian that gets a little more into its possible exceptionality that might be relevant.)

[lavenderfeminist]

hey re your post about the split attraction model...i totally agree that it is kinda a flawed system. I've identified as biromantic asexual for a while but i've just discovered gender criticism/radical feminism (literally in the last week) and am now questioning my identity through that lense. i know i'm very much ATTRACTED to both men and women and would love to be in a relationship with either, but i'm just not really keen on sex as a whole (especially not with men, but could maybe see myself with women idk). idk if its right for me to claim to be bisexual when my /sexual/ preference is basically "no." but it also like....i am bi and i dont want to deny that part of me. or maybe im just altogether delusional i literally cant tell anymore lmao. i know you cant tell me what my sexuality is for me, but i was wondering if you had any insight on how to avoid the appeal of the split attraction model. if you feel this question would be better directed to a bisexual lmk. i just saw your post and it really got me thinking! thanks so much! <3

Heyo. So sorry for the late response; I always want to give a well thought-out response but this is still a tumblr blog and I’m a student. I'm definitely not qualified to make a judgement call on your sexuality, but hopefully at least a few people who follow me will have some insight to offer to help you think things through at your own pace, and hopefully the rest of what I say may help you illuminate some of your own feelings. I know very well how overwhelming discovering radical feminism was, and I never had cause to question how I described my sexuality during that process!

My advice for letting go of the split-attraction model is drastic and simple. Throw the whole thing out. It’s not a legitimate option. Seriously. It doesn’t mirror reality, and pretending it does causes issues for people like me, as you read, but it also causes issues for people like you. The general approach people take to asexuality is nonsensical to begin with, and the split attraction model makes it worse by legitimizing that nonsense.

There are two major issues with the split attraction model. The first is that it treats romantic and sexual attraction as separate. Not only does this play into the kind of homophobic thinking I mentioned in my post, but it actually perpetuates the narrative that desiring an emotionally fulfilling non-sexual relationship with someone is only possible if you have more-than-platonic feelings for them. That is simply not true. You can love somebody fully and completely and have only platonic feelings for them. Platonic relationships are only less fulfilling than romantic ones because we live in a society that expects you to center your life around a romantic partner, and treats any other kind of lifestyle as non-normative. But it doesn’t have to be like that. Not being interested in sex doesn’t mean you’re excluded from having someone to share your life with, if that’s what you want. The split attraction model gets this part right. But it says that that desire for emotional intimacy is what makes your feelings romantic, when in reality the difference between platonic and romantic is the desire for sexual intimacy. I’d actually argue limiting yourself to only “romantic” partners shuts you off from forming relationships with the kind of women who’d be seeking the same thing you are, namely heterosexual women who want to build a life with another woman rather than a romantic partner. Now, when I say “you”, I’m referring to truly asexual women who still have a desire for emotional intimacy and partnership. Whether that’s you or not is not something I can determine for you.

The second issue with the split attraction model is that it perpetuates this concept that “you can be asexual and still want and enjoy having sex”. The idea is that you can have consensual and healthy sex in the absence of sexual attraction, because you’re in a “romantic but not sexual” relationship or somehow your desire to have sex in disconnected from what is revealed by which kinds of people you want to have sex with, or that you want to have sex at all. But you can’t make a claim like that about something which is being asserted is a unique sexuality without applying that same logic to every other sexuality. If asexuality is a legitimate sexuality, the idea that asexuals would be anything less than traumatized by having sex is about as ridiculous as saying “you can be a lesbian and pursue sex with men” (a disturbing sentiment that has been picking up some steam recently) or “you can be a straight man and pursue sex with men”. So the criteria of asexuality must be that you lack sexual attraction altogether, and therefore would never choose to have sex.

So where do people who don’t really have an active sex drive but might hypothetically be okay with having sex if they were in an intimate partnership? You know for certain you feel attracted to certain people but you really don’t feel any kind of desire for sexual intimacy? My guess would be low libido. Libido isn’t something innate, like sexuality. It can fluctuate throughout your life. I can’t really speak to this part of the equation, so that’s something you’d need to look into for yourself. Are you more repulsed by the idea of being with a man than a woman for social or political reasons? Or is that aspect of your personal feelings something worth paying more thought to? I can’t answer that. But what I want to say is that no matter which conclusion you come to, you deserve fulfilling relationships and emotional connection, no matter what. You should never have to make yourself uncomfortable or distressed due to a mistaken belief that there are “acceptable” or “standard” expectations for relationships. You can find emotionally intimacy and fulfillment without sex, and you should be able to pursue that. You know what you want better than anybody else, and I sincerely hope you get it. Good luck :)

P.S. if anybody has a comment/criticism/advice for me or anon, please do offer it!

[eyoricka]

Secret dating - Pete Davidson x singer!reader

First thing, I am sorry for my rather long absence I was moving to another country and way to stress. But now I have to spend ten days in quarantine so I will try to catch up and write all the asks I received in the meantime. So sorry for the delay and I hope the waiting will worth it!!

Also this is the first part of a small series about Pete x singer!reader because I had few asks on this theme! Hope you will enjoy

 Words: 1600+

Warning: none I guess

You had been dating Pete for few months. You decided to keep it low profile. It wasn’t really a secret; your friends and families were aware that you were together but you didn’t want the whole world to know. You had seen Pete’s debacle with his exes, and he witnessed yours. You both agreed to not to make it public this soon since you wanted to avoid paps, gossips articles, harassment online and to hear everybody’s opinion. You were surprised that no one caught the two of you or speculated on your relationship. Maybe the both of you being friends for years, evolving within the same circle of people helped you. When people saw the two of you strolling, getting ice cream together, no magazines titled about how cute this date was but rather on how good it was for you to have such good friends in your life.

These past couple of weeks, it had been hard to spend some quality time with Pete. You had to flew to LA to assist to the Grammys and you missed your boyfriend so much through out the ceremony. You wished that you could have hold his hands during the stressful waiting, kissed him when you heard your name, thanked him when you gave your acceptance speech or feel his hand drawing absurd figure in your back to relax you while you were waiting to perform. Then after going back to New York, you hadn’t had that much time. Your publicist had packed you with interviews and gigs during late night shows. It was tiring but worth it. Your career was on a clear path to success. You were finally considered as not another pop star but one of the biggest artists out there. Pete was so supportive of you. You lived for his lovely text messages to give you strength before each performance or his compliments on how beautiful you looked on TV, how smart your answers were, how funny you were during an interview game.

You had eventually managed to find an afternoon just for you and Pete. You enjoyed a home-cooked meal at his place and could help but melt every time he was laughing while recounting his week. You simply spend the rest of the afternoon watching cartoons. It was your way to decompress together. Pete would always prepare some snacks while you set everything up. Then you would lose at least ten minutes to choose which cartoons or movies to watch. You usually had long debate on whether SpongeBob was better than Scooby-doo. Pete would always take you in his arms while you were watching, peppering your neck with kisses and smelling your hair. He liked the smell of your shampoo arguing that it reminded him of happiness. That was so cliché and yet so adorable, you couldn’t make fun of this cheesiness.

You were slowly falling asleep engulfed by Pete’s warmth, this was cozy, it felt like home. Suddenly, you heard your phone buzzed and sighed. It was your agent, asking you where you were to pick you up to go an interview. You texted her your address while you looked for something to put on for the TV. You liked very much the clothes you had on but you doubted that their shades would be nice on camera. As you were researching the perfect outfit in underwear, trying on several combo, you congratulated yourself for letting some clothes at your boyfriend’s place. You were hesitating between two tops and asked Pete’s opinion. After a quick joke on how good you looked in underwear and that you probably should go like this, he made up his mind for the baby blue top.

You rushed outside to be picked by your team but not before sharing a sweet but passionate kiss with Pete and agreeing to spend the night at your place after the show. Your team smiled at you knowingly as you entered the car but they didn’t make any comment on your relationship. You discussed the show, the possible questions and what the best answers would be… The ride was pretty quiet after that and you soon arrived at the building where the show was taped. You were warmly welcomed by the host. You had already done some interviews with him, he was easy to talk to, always made you comfortable and was rather fun to be around. He lead you to the make-up artist trailer who didn’t fail to notice your tired look but promised you that it was nothing than a bit of foundation and powder could hide. Indeed, after only 15 minutes there you were glowing, looking fresh, like a fairytale princess leaving her bed.

As you were waiting to be called on stage, you received a message from Pete telling you that he was excited to see you on the show, that no matter what you were the best and that he was eager to see you tonight to finish the nap you had started together. You quickly replied before entering the stage. The interview went rather smoothly. You had begun with questions about your last album and upcoming project teasing a possible collab with Taylor Swift. The crowd went wild at this info and you knew that you would certainly end up in top tweets. After a commercial, you played a game with the host where you had to sing a random song imitating another artist. Clearly, it was not your forte, but you were funny enough to make it a good moment to watch. Then, you proceeded to answers some more interrogations from the public that could be found on social media. Those questions were a lot more personal and globally more focused on your art, compositions, writing skills, inspiration. You were passionate, your eyes were big with enthusiasm and you did a lot of gesture with your hand with made the host smile.

You were so happy that when a question about your dating life came up, you didn’t think twice before saying “Well I am the luckiest person, I have my dream career and dating Pete Davidson is just the cherry on the top, you know. He is just so perfect for me, like me understand and support each other, it just so great when you can share all those moments with someone you love and trust.” As you finished your rant, you noticed how the host was staggered. You finally realized what you had revealed and blushed furiously. “Did you just announce publicly that you are dating SNL cast member Pete Davidson?”. It was like words were dying in your throat and you envisioned Pete’s reaction at this. Surely it was not how you had planned to go public. You nodded shyly and the show stopped there. The host thanks the audience who was visibly thrilled, and you made your way backstage. You compulsively checked your phone every five seconds waiting for a text from your now very public boyfriend. But none came and it was worse. You felt so bad, you never wanted to put him in such a position, you were not sure that he was ready to go public, face the world’s reaction but here you were because you couldn’t keep your mouth shut.

Your team drove you back to your place assuring you that it was okay, he couldn’t be mad at you for this but actually he legitimately could. They insist that you should check your social media, people were very supportive of you, saying that you were so cute together, goals… however you didn’t think that it was a good idea right now, you head spinning with the prospect to face Pete.

You silently entered your house waiting for Pete to arrive, a huge lump in your stomach. You felt so guilty, obviously you had to ruin everything, didn’t you. You were in your kitchen drinking a hot cocoa to calm your nerve when you heard Pete unlocked your front door with his spare keys. You didn’t dare to approach him and let him come in the room, your hands shaking so bad that you had spilled some hot beverage on it. You didn’t really feel the burning sensation, you were too scared of what he would say. To make it even more torturing he remained silent as he glanced at you. he eventually approached you and put away your cup as he took your injured hand in his. He put it under cold water and you let him do it, not understanding what was happening. “Do you think that I hate you or that I am angry at you for making it public without talking about it first?” he stated more than questioned as he stood behind you with his hand on yours. “Yes” you sighed looking down. He made you turned to face him and since you were still not looking at him, he put gently his hand on your face and lift it up. His face was so calm and soft, not what you were expecting at all. “I don’t mind, I mean sure it would have been better to discuss it and find a way together to announce it but you didn’t did on purpose. You were just so excited and you didn’t really think of it so I can’t blame you. I certainly would have done the same. Also, how I can be mad at someone who is so cute and so adorable when talking about me. You know what you say about us, it means a lot to me, a lot more than you can imagine. I love you, okay, and I don’t care if the whole world knows as long as you know it.” He smiled down at you and brushed away some tears that you hadn’t realize where rolling down your face. He cusped your cheeks and kissed your forehead as you buried yourself in his shirt.

[backtothestart02]

Just Best Friends - 9/? | westallen fanfiction

A/N: “It’s been 84 years...” lolz. I hope you enjoy this! I don’t know when the next chap will come, but as soon as I can write it, I will!

...

Chapter 9 -

A week passed. During that week, Iris made herself completely unreachable – not just to Barry but to Eddie as well. She worked through lunch, so Barry couldn’t take her out, and she worked late hours, so that by the time she returned to hers and Eddie’s apartment, she was so exhausted, she could only heat up some leftovers and collapse onto their bed when she was finished with them.

That also meant no sex, no cuddling, and hardly any talking that wasn’t an incredibly brief apology before passing out or running out the door. And for Barry, it was just one excuse after another, though they always sounded very similar.

Sorry, I have so much work to do. Or… Maybe another time? I just got a new story, and I have a hot lead on it.

He always understood in words, but she could see the disappointment on his face every time. As well as her failure to respond to the fresh bouquet of flowers he set on her desk daily.

They weren’t just excuses though. They were legitimate…most of the time. Were they unnecessary? Probably. She didn’t have to go out of her way to beg her boss for more stories, or to work so far ahead of schedule that she felt she was on the verge of a burn out or collapse.

But she didn’t know how to act now that Eddie was back. She knew she needed to break up with him. She knew that. But she didn’t want to break his heart, and she wasn’t 100% sure Barry would just agree to date her after the hell she’d put him through emotionally. So avoiding both of them seemed to be the only way out.

She’d also come to the conclusion that while irritating, her dad going out of his way to forbid Barry to tell her he was the Flash had come from a place of love, and that she couldn’t stay mad at him any more than she could with Barry. The only problem was she found having that conversation with him was almost impossible because either Eddie or Barry or both seemed to be in his vicinity at all times.

Little did she know though that there was one other person who was taking a keen interest in the situation developing over the past week, and it was the one person she’d been paranoid about for a while before Eddie came back, and who she’d entirely forgotten about as the weight of the three men in her life came barreling down on her.

And that person had apparently had enough of what she was doing and had decided to seek her out for a confrontation of sorts shortly after Barry left during his lunch break for the fifth time that week.

With a slow yet determined saunter, Linda approached Iris’ desk just as soon as Mason disappeared for his daily lunch walk.

“Iris.”

The familiar voice made her freeze. She recovered quickly, but she had a feeling Linda had caught her red-handed and completely unprepared for where this particular conversation would lead. After all, the last time they’d “talked”, Linda had completely brushed her off, and the time before that Linda had told her to her face that she knew Iris had feelings for Barry, even when she’d still been in denial of that fact herself.

“Linda.” She shuffled her papers around on her desk to somehow fill the awkwardness of the moment. “What, uh…what can I do for you?”

Linda folded her arms and sat on the corner of Iris’ desk.

“Was that Barry that just left?”

“Hmm?” She decided to play dumb. “Oh, yeah, it was. He uh, wanted to go to lunch. I told him I had work to do, which I did – do. So, if you don’t mind?”

Linda’s jaw actually dropped.

“Dismissing me so quickly? If I recall correctly, the last time we talked, you were only too eager to get my attention.”

Iris bit her tongue to keep from responding with something she’d regret.

“Let me guess. You’re giving me a taste of my own medicine?” Linda raised her eyebrows.

Iris cleared her throat.

“Not at all. I just…I have work to do. A lot of it.”

“You’ve had a lot of work to do for the past five days, haven’t you?”

Iris’ eyes squinted.

“Have you been…spying on me?”

“Please.” Iris waited. “I’ve been talking to Barry. He’s needed someone to vent to, you know, since before Eddie came back you were practically climbing on top of him every day at lunch and after work and sometimes before work, according to him.”

“That’s not how it was,” Iris said under her breath.

“No? You better clear that up with your supposed best friend then, because that’s how he saw it. He’s crushed that you’re avoiding him again.” She leaned forward. “Which you are doing, right? Neither of us is buying that you suddenly have so much work to do.”

“I do!” Iris snapped. “I…I asked for it.”

Linda’s eyes widened and her mouth formed an ‘o’.

“And why would you do that?”

She started shuffling her papers again.

“That’s none of your business.”

“You made it my business when you made out with my boyfriend after sticking your finger in his mouth and sitting on his lap on our date.”

Iris sighed testily.

“I thought you two broke up.”

“We did.”

“Do you wish you hadn’t? I know it wasn’t your idea.”

“I’m not stupid, Iris. I’m not going to blindly fight for a relationship with someone who clearly wants to be with someone else.”

Iris bit her lip, avoiding eye contact.

“He does?” she asked quietly.

“He’s in love with you!” She lowered her voice when she got a few looks. “He’d take you in a heartbeat,” she paused. “If that’s what you want.”

Iris swallowed.

“But you don’t know what you want, do you?”

“Yes, I…I do.”

“Then what do you want? Please, tell me at least.”

“Why?” She met her eyes again and glared. “So you can run off and tell Barry? Or Eddie?”

Linda rolled her eyes.

“I have no reason to tell your boyfriend anything. Barry, however, I do still care about. And we’re friends now. He deserves to know the truth, even if it isn’t from you. He’s going crazy with all your…mixed signals.”

Iris nibbled on her lip again, guilt weighing her down.

“Iris, hey, there’s something I wanted to…” Mason approached, then came to an abrupt halt, sensing the tension between the two women immediately. “Am I interrupting something?” He looked between the two.

“Not at all.” Linda smiled serenely before looking down at Iris one last time. “You know where to find me, Iris.”

Iris gulped, not looking at her but nodded just before Linda retreated – finally – to her desk across the room.

“What was that about?”

Iris closed her eyes and shook her head before swiveling in her chair toward him.

“Nothing. What was it you wanted to talk to me about?”

His eyes were full of suspicion, but it was clear his need to discuss something with her was greater.

“I want to show you something.” He took the seat Linda had vacated, then pulled out a folder, revealing to her a familiar face she’d nearly forgotten. “Simon Stagg. Remember him?”

…

Well, there was no longer any way of avoiding it. She had to seek out Barry. Mason’s suspicions about Harrison Wells stirred her insides too deeply, and honestly, made her worried about her best friend, since she knew how much he adored who had become to be his mentor. There was Caitlin and Cisco to consider too, who had known Dr. Wells even longer, but right now all she cared about was Barry.

So, she marched over to CCPD shortly after her conversation with Mason, using the excuse of pursuing a story – which, more or less, she was – to explain her absence at her work site and sought out Barry as soon as she stepped out of the elevator.

Unfortunately, her dad’s eyes locked with hers first. She swallowed, remembering how things were between them. She considered then abandoning a much-needed talk with Barry to finally hash things out with her dad. That course of action was dashed however, when within seconds he had looked away from her and gestured instead in her direction to whoever was standing across from him.

She should’ve known then who it would be, but it didn’t occur to her until he was walking toward her, a grin on his face, no doubt thinking she was there to see him.

“Iris, hey.” He kissed her before she could even think to turn her cheek to him. “Did you have a late lunch today? I have some time now. We cou-”

“Oh, actually, I’m here to see, Barry. Is he upstairs?”

“Huh?”

“In his lab?”

Eddie blinked.

“Um, yeah, as far as I know. There are no active crime scenes where he’d be at otherwise.”

“Great. Thanks. I’ll see you tonight.”

She pressed a quick kiss to his cheek and headed towards the staircase before he could so much as pull her in for an explanation or something more.

Feeling confused and honestly a little hurt, Eddie returned to his desk, Joe sitting now at his, ignoring Eddie’s state as best as he could.

“Should I be worried?” he finally asked.

Joe pretended not to have heard him.

“Joe.”

“Hmm?” he asked, not looking up from the files he was pretending to look over in front of him.

“Should I be worried?”

“About what?”

“About Iris,” he said, as if it should be obvious.

Despite how he felt about the man dating his daughter, Joe looked up to address him. He was also his partner, after all.

“Why are you worried about her?”

Eddie let out a cough of relief, eager to unload his troubles onto somebody – anybody – who would listen.

“She’s made herself busy ever since I got back.”

“She has a job. So do you.”

“More so than usual though,” he pushed on. “She leaves earlier than she used to, and she comes home really late. When she does, she eats some leftovers and crawls into bed without so much as a ‘hey, how was your day’ or ‘I love you, too, Eddie’.” He frowned. “It worries me.”

Now Joe frowned.

“She’s been avoiding Barry too.”

Eddie’s frown deepened.

“When had Barry been trying to meet up with her?”

“On her lunch breaks,” he blurted without thinking, then met his eyes, trying to play it off. “She always says she’s too busy working on a story.”

Eddie leaned back in his seat.

“I haven’t tried to meet up with her for lunch at all this week. I guess I’m so used to her coming here, and if she didn’t, that she had a good reason. I guess she did.”

“Well, there you go.”

Joe started to stand, eager to escape the awkwardness of the conversation.

“But I mean, we haven’t had sex all week.”

Joe finished straightening, then shot him a glare. Eddie’s face fell.

“You didn’t want to hear that.”

“Not particularly, no,” Joe said. “Now, if you’ll excuse me.”

He turned and headed for the bathroom. Any place was better than this.

…

About a step and a half before the entryway to Barry’s lap, Iris stalled, nibbling on her bottom lip. Barry had been as pleasant during her intended lunch break as he’d been all week, but she still wondered how accepting he’d be of her, especially when he found out this was a working meeting. She definitely needed to apologize first. How and when was the question, though. It was still beyond her how he hadn’t lashed out at her yet. She’d been treating him so unfairly, and yet time and time again, he kept crawling back to her, as if he was a glutton for punishment.

Well, no more of that. She couldn’t guarantee when she would break up with Eddie, but maybe Linda was right and she could at least explain her behavior this week and tell him she planned to break up with Eddie. Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe…eventually.

“Is someone there?” Barry called out, and Iris realized she’d started tapping her shoe against the floor in time with the rapid rhythm of her mind.

She stopped abruptly, then cleared her throat and peeked her head into the doorway.

“Hey.”

She gave an awkward hand wave.

“Iris?”

His brows furrowed, but he started to smile. Lord, help her, it made her heart do a flip.

“What are you doing out there?” He got up out of his seat and headed towards her. “And why didn’t you just come in?”

“S-sorry,” she stuttered, shocked by it as much as he was, then forced herself to walk through the door.

He came to a stop as soon as she was inside and waited for her explanation.

“I guess I didn’t know if you’d want to see me.”

He gawked.

“Iris, I’ve been trying to see you all week.”

“No, I know. Of course. Right. But uh…I thought my rejecting you today might’ve been your breaking point, and that you wouldn’t want to see me now. Without an apology. Which I am totally willing to make, by the way.” Her chuckle was strained, and she couldn’t meet his eyes.

“What’s there to apologize for?” he asked. “You had work to do. That isn’t your fault. I’m sure you’ve been working hard to catch up.”

“Actually…” She took another step toward him. “I haven’t.”

His brows furrowed, and he sat back down.

“I don’t follow.”

She sighed and sat on the corner of his desk, the only spot where there wasn’t files or a conglomeration of office supplies.

“I asked for extra work.” She swallowed. “On Monday.”

He tilted his head, confused.

“I was trying to be busy. On purpose.” She licked her lips. “So I’d be too busy if you came to see me.”

He froze, his heart thudding away inside his chest. He didn’t know how to take that bit of information, and honestly, he was crushed.

“I don’t understand…you didn’t want to see me?”

The hurt in his voice was palpable. Iris hated that she was doing this to him again. He shouldn’t even want to be her friend after this, no matter how apologetic she was.

“Not just you,” she said, hoping that would soften the blow. “Eddie too. And my dad.”

He was mystified by that. He understood Joe, what with the Flash business and all that, but Eddie?

“What have you got against Eddie?”

“Nothing!” she burst, then got up and started to pace. “I just…” She licked her lips, unable to stop walking and unable to form words either, it seemed. She couldn’t stop though. Not to leave, not to make eye contact. Her hard was pounding, and her breath was coming in short bursts. She felt everything closing in around her and wondered if she was having a panic attack.

Suddenly, she stopped and forced herself to look at him.

“Do you want me to go?”

“No,” he said instantly, standing too. “I want an explanation.”

She swallowed.

“I thought you and I were good last week.”

“We were,” she said. “We are.”

“Yet you purposely didn’t want me near you this week?”

Her knees locked, and she tensed up.

“And Eddie…what in the world did he do except home to you? I would’ve thought you’d be happy about that.”

Tears welled in her eyes. Her fingers were sweaty and tingled. She didn’t answer. She couldn’t.

“Iris.”

Answer.

“I don’t love him anymore!”

She covered her mouth at the same moment his eyes bulged, and he nearly stumbled backward.

“What?” he finally managed.

She sighed, running a hand through her hair as she started to pace again.

“I realized it last week. Or rather, I’ve been slowly realizing it for the past several weeks. I’ve just been…in denial.”

Barry’s pulse started racing. He approached her moving form with one determined step after another.

“What have you been in denial about, Iris?”

She stopped.

“What I just said!” She licked her lips again. “I don’t love him. I’m not in love with him anymore. But I don’t…I don’t know how to tell him. I don’t want to break his heart. Especially after I went out of my way to make him feel bad about thinking there was anything between us, when really-”

“Wait, wait, wait, us? As in, you and I, us?”

She looked up at him reluctantly and nodded.

“Yeah.”

“He doesn’t know I told you how I felt, does he? At Christmas?”

“No!” Her eyes widened. “No, I didn’t tell him that. He’d probably have punched you by now if I had.”

Barry paled, then squeaked, “Really?”

“Uh-huh,” she confirmed.

“W-Why?” He wrapped his arm around the back of his head.

“Isn’t it obvious?” He gave her a blank look. “You were trying to get his girlfriend to break up with him. To be with you.”

Barry thought about it for a few seconds, then realized that yeah, he kind of had been. He shook his head after he got past that thought.

“I still don’t understand though. If you didn’t tell him about that…” He locked eyes with her. “Did you tell him you…find me attractive?”

“Oh, God, no.” She pressed her face into her hands. “That would’ve been even worse.”

“Worse than a love confession? How?”

“Because it’s coming from me! And I…”

“What?”

She power-walked to right in front of him and prepared herself for the blow of all blows.

“I don’t just find you attractive, Barry. I have…I have feelings for you.”

I’m in love with you – But she couldn’t admit to that yet. Not while she was still dating Eddie.

He swallowed, fighting with the smile that wanted to take over his face.

“What kind of feelings?”

“Barry.” Her voice softened. “You know what kind.”

“Tell me,” he said. “Just so I know for sure.”

He was holding his breath, and she couldn’t blame him. Honestly, she was on the brink of holding hers too.

“You make my heart race, Barry.”

“Iris.”

He started to lean in, and it took all of her willpower to step back out of reach.

“No, we can’t. I can’t. It’s bad enough I cheated once. This can’t go any farther until it’s over.” She met his eyes. “Until Eddie and I are over.”

Barry swallowed.

“And when will that be?”

Her shoulders slumped, and her bottom lip quivered.

“I don’t know.”

His shoulders caved in as well. He forced himself not to get mad, but he couldn’t help feeling disappointed. So, the love of his life finally felt the same way, but she wouldn’t let herself act on it? And she wouldn’t do the one thing that would allow them to be together.

“Is that the only thing you came to tell me?” he asked, unable to keep some chill out of his words.

Iris supposed she couldn’t blame him.

“No…” she admitted, deciding not to mention how she hadn’t meant to tell him as much as she had.

“What else?”

She pursed her lips, hating that she had to turn this conversation into a business one before she could give him the answer that he wanted.

“What else, Iris?” he asked, sounding exhausted when she didn’t answer for too long.

“It’s about, Dr. Wells,” she finally said.

That caught him off guard.

“Dr. Wells? What does he have to do with anything?”

“I hope nothing, but just in case…can we go somewhere else? To talk?”

He wanted to ask her what was wrong with his lab, but he supposed the fresh air would do them both good. Give them a clear head and put everything she’d already said to rest for the time being. After all, she sounded awfully serious about whatever else she wanted to talk about.

“Sure,” he said. “Just let me grab my jacket.”

“Barry,” she called after him as he walked by her.

He stopped when he reached his garment.

“I’m sorry about…everything.”

“Don’t worry about it, Iris,” he said, as he slid his arms through the sleeves. “It’s fine.”

…

Hours later, and on a whim, Eddie found himself at a jewelry store – diamonds, to be more specific. In the back of his mind, he knew his intentions probably weren’t smart. Especially not right now, not with the way things were between him and Iris, especially this week. But there was another part of him that thought this might be just the thing to jolt their relationship back into what it had once been and the potential of what it could be, the future he’d seen from almost the minute he started dating her.

He pointed out a ring nestled in velvet that caught his eye in the display case below him. An employee walked up, inspired by his curiosity and tried to catch his attention.

“Sir?”

“Can I see that one, please?”

The man smiled.

“Of course.”

He reached for the key and unlocked the case. Just as he was pulling the velvet block out with the specified ring upon it, Eddie’s phone started to vibrate.

“Oh, excuse me.”

He turned partially away and glanced at the screen on his phone. He answered immediately, a smile on his face.

“Hey, Iris, what’s up?”

“I’m home,” she said, and he could hear the frown in her voice.

“So early?”

“Yeah, I felt bad for coming home so late every night this week…I thought we could have dinner together.”

“That sounds great.”

“Yeah?” She sounded relieved.

“Definitely. I’m uh…just running a last-minute errand. I’ll be home soon.”

“Okay. See you then.”

“See you.”

He turned back to the jeweler as he slid the phone back in his pocket, and his eyes widened with enthusiasm as the ring was presented to him.

“Oh, yeah. This is the one.”

[soranis-sunshadow]

Horde Prime and his Shadows

To no one’s surprise, I have *thoughts* about this. @letmemakeuproud​ has brought up an interesting question. 

CW// I will be critical of institutional religion - not of God or faith in God. 

To be clear, I believe in God as such:  "The Kingdom of God is inside/within you (and all about you), not in buildings/mansions of wood and stone. (When I am gone) Split a piece of wood and I am there, lift the/a stone and you will find me."                                                                    - Gospel of Thomas saying 77b

One thing that sounds familiar to me (and my own upbringing  while being exposed to Christian culture- albeit an Orthodox Christian one and in a former communist country where the Church holds little sway)  was that the way the priest described Hell was: the absence of  God. (my church was less about fire and brimstone and more about God’s love)

Despite the fact that Orthodoxy is more about forgiving the sinner and love rather then judgment as is Western Christianity, there was one thing that was always condemned: Doubt.

Doubting God’s love and doubting His plan was a gateway to sin. Any form of doubt was lowkey condemned. It had to be removed through any means necessary, delude yourself however you like so long as you convince yourself of God’s all encompassing love.  

I have never been an ardent believer and even now, a lot of scripture rings hollow but that bit of it stuck with me despite my efforts to shrug off religion in general.

God is the Light, darkness and hell is his absence.

Horde Prime believes himself a god. He legitimately chugs his own mountain dew. He is, for all intents and purposes - the clone’s God. He appears to be immortal, omniscient and omnipresent.

To him and his doctrine, anything that displeases him and his image of perfection is sin - darkness.

He has convinced his brothers that they are nothing, parts of the whole. He sees them as that and they believe it. Any evidence to the contrary is sin. A clone that is different and imperfect, a clone that is distinct is sinful - it must be cast out of heaven, cast out of Prime’s light.  It is evidence of Prime’s own imperfection.

(reminds me of Lucifer falling from the Heavens)  

Worse still, penitent though he may have been, Hordak, even in his desire to please and get back into Horde Prime’s Light was misguided.  He had not realized that by attempting to prove his worth to Horde Prime, he would be in essence, proving that Prime had been mistaken about his deficiency to begin with.

He had been judged and found unworthy. Horde Prime Knows All, Horde Prime Sees All. He could not have been wrong. Hordak’s attempts were always destined to fail from the start, the premise was flawed at the core but Hordak’s own wishful thinking prevented him from seeing the fault in his personal mission.  

In his isolation, he had become even more distinct, his own person with a life and a name - an abomination.

His erasure and reconditioning were a way for Prime to reassert his perfection to the rest of the flock. (before he sent the invalid again on a suicide mission later)

Prime - in his mercy and his infinite compassion had found a lost yet penitent brother, a sinner and had allowed him back into his Light.

The Purification scene is one in which Prime reassesses his  power and ‘mercy’ to his brothers by doing what must be done to keep this wayward sheep into the flock.

(yeah Prime, you’re “sorry”. this is definitely not how you get your kicks or anything  /s )

(look at how sorry he is. It’s a blink and you miss it thing but his extra eyes twitch with excitement)

The fact that his brothers are willing to suffer to please him, to become what he deems as pure pleases him immensely. His power is based on their suicidal devotion.

The reason they are dressed mostly in stark white while he is not is because Horde Prime does not apply the same standards to himself. His brothers must suffer, He does not.

He will never admit any flaw or imperfection of his own. (see his censoring of any information about Krytis or  when rebellions appear in his territories - the fault lies with the misguided subjects. THEY are the ones mistaken in their actions, never Prime.)

Even when faced with defeat he is convinced of his immutability and immortality.

It’s also hilarious to not that as he is being exorcized, Prime is depicted as a shadow leaving Hordak’s body

and destroyed by actual light

Prime’s light had been a lie, a flame that consumed everything it touched. He did not bring light - he merely left ashes in his wake. He was a parasite that fed on everything he touched - his brothers most of all. He consumed them so completely that they were reduced to empty shells in their desperate bid to earn his favor, his love.

The dichotomy of a light, pure aesthetic and the rot and horror that lay beneath the surface is poignant.

Just like in real life religions - the leaders are never beholden to the same rules as the lowly follower.

All institutional religions have a stated mission and a hidden agenda. After all - they are human institutions - and humans are small  and fallible and they have human goals - be that extending their influence geographically or politically.

One of the most common things for all religions (all of them) is that of spurning doubt and encouraging blind faith.  

Believe and do not question.

Because rational thought would be the end of faith. If something must be proven - then you do not believe in it.

It is this blind faith that keeps a lot of us from seeing how we are being consumed for someone else’s fire.  It is the basis of indoctrination. 

[ghostmartyr]

Hi, Immi! I believe Eren went with the genocide despite not wanting to do it because all other options are unacceptable for him. The main goal for him is all his friends living long happy lives. If we go back to 89/90 we'd see that Eren bases his modus operandi on two imperatives, not one. He decides to destroy the world so his friends, Historia first and foremost, don't have to be sacrificed. Locking Historia titan in a dungeon will make her love long, but hardly happy. So, Eren not agrees.

Yeah, well Eren’s a dick.

I mean hi, how’s it going!

I don’t disagree that Eren would find it unacceptable, and he’d probably go on and do a genocide anyway, because that’s where he is as a person right now, I just think that titan dungeon!Historia is legitimately a better plan. The best argument against it for the present dynamic is that if Historia’s a titan, someone might give into temptation and feed Zeke to her, ruining the entire scheme --

But like. Before all this started, for all they knew Historia was sterile. Paradis’ situation was, and is, bad. Desperate tactics are all anyone has, so why not make it interesting?

Eren doesn’t have to like it, because Eren leaves. Historia coming up with a plan she likes better in his absence was always going to be a risk. Eren not liking the idea might mean that the idea doesn’t bring the genocide plan to a screeching halt, but it’s the kind of idea that would absolutely appeal to the upper brass, and it would give them a more secure solution than hoping the nineteen-year-old is really, really fertile and none of her kids tell the people who want them to eat their mom to go to hell.

Right now, the trail is Eren objecting to using Historia as a breeding farm --> Historia going how ‘bout I do anyway. Looking at Historia (and the rest of the cast, but priorities), Eren’s already ruined his friends’ chance at a happy life.

Eren doing the thing was probably going to happen, but as long as Eren was going to do the thing, Historia could have at least chosen a more interesting option that would check more boxes and not undone key components of her character.

...The crux of my complaint is that Historia’s section of the plot makes no fucking sense, and her being a mindless titan creates the same amount of Drama, makes more sense, and has the benefit of honoring her character development.

I’m really just complaining and being upset at this point. “THEY SHOULD HAVE DONE THIS INSTEAD” is the last cry of the damned. Titan dungeon!Historia is badass in a sad way, while rocking chair!Historia is just plain sad, and also selling away an unborn kid’s right to a real life. I have emotions. They are angry.

I am so sorry if anyone sending me asks where Historia is at all mentioned actually is looking for a reasonable discussion.

[one-leaf-grimoire]

Illusion (chapter 5)

Grey Deer Fic chapter 5! Here’s the link to the full story: link.

As you can see, I changed the name bc I wasn’t vibing with the other one.

WARNING: slight implication of *Sex* (but not with Julius, unfortunately...)

As always, I would really love to hear what you think of this chapter!

"Captain, do you have a minute-"

I stop talking as soon as I poke my head into Captain Hervey's office. It's a sizable room, with rich wood paneling and blue wallpaper making it seem cozy. Several stuffed deer heads are hanging above the severe man's desk, where he sits across from his vice captains. Both Malota and Julius turn around to look at me; obviously I'm interrupting a meeting. "A-Ah, sorry, I'll come back later-"

"Nonsense, spit it out. But make it quick." Hervey gestures me closer, and I gulp and enter the room, a paper clutched in my hands. "What's that?"

This is always a little awkward, even though I've given several of these requests to him over the years. But it's his fault for having the "only registered guests only" rule for our base. "Lawrence wants to come visit tomorrow, can I get your approval?"

Hervey lets out a snort of laughter. "Your fiance? He was here pretty recently, wasn't he? Why do you keep inviting him here, just go visit him yourself."

"Ah, well, he insists. I can't really say no to him..."

But you can, sir. I watch as he takes the paper and looks at it carefully, as if he's making up his mind. Meanwhile, I'm praying that he says NO so I have a good reason to avoid seeing Lawrence tomorrow. Malota looks bored and lets a sigh out through her vulture-like nose. Julius stares at the Captain's table silently. Another reason why I wanted to avoid asking in front of other people is because it becomes awkward like this. Neither of our Vice Captains want to hear about my personal life, I'm sure. 

"Very well. But he better be gone by dinner time, I'm not feeding him, even if he is a prince!"

Fuck! I force a smile as he signs the paper, a magical chill moving through the room as he does so. Somehow, Hervey can manipulate the barrier spell he cast around the base to let authorized guests enter after he signs off on it. His ice magic is some of the most powerful I've ever seen, and he's able to upkeep such a potent spell all day and night, subconsciously. He really is amazing, despite his faults, and it's easy to see why he's captain. "Thank you, sir, sorry for interrupting." With that, I turn and shuffle out of the room, feeling a small weight of dread in the pit of my stomach.

Why, though? Why are you dreading this? Lawrence is your Fiance, your future Husband! Shouldn't you be happy to see him?

That's probably what you're thinking, but it couldn't be farther from the truth. I tolerate Lawrence Kira, and that's all. He's 5 years older than me, always acts like he's my superior (which he is, but come on!), and really isn't the most considerate person. He always talks about how great things are expected of him, and how he needs a supportive wife to help him achieve those things and continue the Kira line. "One day." he always tells me. "One day, our children could be the King. Wouldn't you like that?"

No... Not really, actually.

But I can't tell him that. If I show any disrespect, he'll bring the hammer down, on both me and my parents. We're already on thin ice, and this marriage is supposed to save my family. When the engagement was first decided, I was only 5 years old and had no idea what it even meant. As I grew older, I was told how romantic it was going to be. Doesn't every girl want to marry a prince? I was excited to live out what seemed like a fairy tale.

Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. It soon became clear that Lawrence would never actually love me. At least not all of me. Not only that, but like I said, he's older than me, and as we spent more and more time together, he started to force me to grow up a bit faster than I should have. I'm sure you can guess what I mean. 

If I didn't have Alice, I don't know what I would have done. But when I came to her and revealed that I didn't want to marry this prince, she didn't shun me or say I was crazy. She held me, and told me that we were going to get out of this, together. And so, I joined the magic knights, as the first step of my plan. The wedding that was supposed to be when I turned 18 was postponed. Luckily, the Magic Knights are a very esteemed and legitimate career path for both Royalty and nobility, so I was able to get away with it. Lawrence's family even said they were proud that their son would be marrying a magic knight.

Well... it's been 7 years since then. There's no plans for a wedding yet. This engagement can only go on so long before Lawrence decides to break it off. By that time, I'll be able to support my family myself! I don't need a marriage, and I'll finally be free to do what I want.

That's my secret, the secret only Alice and I know. My one hope for tomorrow is that Lawrence will coldly tell me that he can't wait around any longer, and will break it off right then and there.

Of course, it's never that easy.

"Hello, Lawrence."

I stand outside the base to meet him as he transports in with the help of a spatial mage. He brushes himself off before looking up, his grey eyes quickly meeting mine. Unintentionally, I feel a cold chill down my back, something that's always happened when he looks at me like that. "It's been too long, have you really been that busy?" Lawrence asks as he walks over, pulling his cloak a little tighter around himself. The snow has long melted, but its freeze still hangs lightly in the air around us.

"Er, yes, pretty busy." I let him take my hand and pull it up to his lips, not bothering to bend over. A royal shouldn't bow to anyone, after all. His lips are cold on my skin as he kisses the back of my hand, before dropping it immediately. "I actually had a pretty big mission a few days ago, I was able to beat five guys-"

"Yeah, I'm sure. You can tell it to me over lunch." Lawrence dismisses my story kind of quickly before turning to walk towards the base. I wince and hold out a hand to stop him. "Uh-er, we can't eat here!"

"Hmm? Why not?" Lawrence throws a glance over his shoulder.

"Captain Hervey said, uh... we can't spare food right now for outsiders."

"Hmph. Fine. We'll eat in town." Lawrence sighs and turns to walk back to me, grabbing my hand as he does. "Also, what did I tell you about using filler words? Stop saying um and er so much."

"R-right, sorry." I let him pull me along, away from the base.

"Man... are they really in love?" 

Giles leans on the windowsill as the others gather around him, peeping down at me and Lawrence as we walk off out of sight. "Every time he comes, she looks like she'd rather be somewhere else."

"It's true," Alice pipes up, leaning against the wall and not bothering to look. "He's a real piece of work, you know."

"How can that be? He's a prince." Elia crosses her arms. "Who wouldn't want to marry a prince?"

"She just wants to live a normal life, I think. She's not cut out for that royalty stuff anyway."

"Nigel, shut up."

Meanwhile, Lawrence and I reach town and make our way towards my favorite resteraunt there. "There's really no other place to eat?" Lawrence asks, pulling his hood up over his head, his eyes darting around the street.

"It's my favorite! I think you'll like it, too." I squeeze his hand, causing him to smile for a moment. "You're afraid of being recognized."

"Yeah... I have a pretty big fanclub you know!"

... I doubt that...

Our base is located in a forest right outside the limits of the noble realm. We're close enough to town so we can get all of our supplies, but secluded enough that Captain Hervey is able to put up our barrier. It honestly feels like a little sanctuary for the squad, but I still like going in to town to see the usual hustle-and-bustle of civilization.

"You know, this type of place does have a little charm." Lawrence talks to me as he quietly sips his beer. His eyes keep darting around the restaurant, as if he were analyzing everything in sight. He's always been like that, cool and calculated, always scheming or sizing the world up. He's really an intelligent man, someone who can keep a level head in any situation. His magic is very strong, too, and it's interesting that he never joined the Magic Knights. When I asked him why a long time ago, he simply said that it wasn't his style. I have a feeling he'd rather be involved in the government down the line.

"I'm glad you think so. I guess not all Royals are so stuffy," I answer, playfully nudging his foot under the table. Lawrence narrows his eyes at me but can't conceal his smile. Ah! I need to stop being so cute around him, remember?

"I'm not that stuffy, am I? I can have fun... what do you and the squad do for fun, anyway?" Lawrence yawns a little, scratching his chin under his hood.

"Hmm..." I think over the past for a moment. "Well, we have little parties in our base now and then. Oh, also, the Captain lets us go to the beach on our days off! We also like to come to town to go drinking some nights."

"Ah... that sounds like fun. A little crude, but fun." Lawrence nods along with my words. "Maybe I'll take you to the beach sometime, just the two of us."

Just the two of us.

"...yeah, sure."

By the time lunch is done, it's obvious to me that Lawrence isn't about to break up with me or anything. In fact, I've somehow managed to warm him back up to me after more than a month of absence, and now...

"Let's go back to the base."

"Huh? Er- Lawrence, I told you before-"

"Stop saying ER! And I don't want to eat. Is your roommate around?"

"...probably not..."

"Good."

This is my least favorite part of his visits. Lawrence hates showing affection out in public, but as soon as we're alone and away from prying eyes, he basically pounces on me. I can't really do much but hold on as his lips crash into mine hungrily. We were each other's first kisses, but I'm pretty sure he's pretty good at it. The way he moves his lips against mine always makes me dizzy, at least. He pushes me until we're both flat on my twin bed, one of his hands bunching up the sheets next to my head. The biggest drawback of avoiding him for so long is that he gets... needy. 

However, his affection doesn't last long. As soon as he's done, Lawrence simply pulls the covers over me and gets up. I roll over, feeling a bit sore, and watch as he starts to re-dress himself. "You're leaving?"

"Yeah." Lawrence buttons up his shirt, his fingers fumbling slightly. "I assume I'm not allowed to stay for dinner." He sits back down on the bed to start pulling his shoes and socks on. "I'll come back to visit soon, don't avoid me any more, you hear?"

"...yeah. No guarantees, though." I gulp nervously, pulling the covers over myself more as he looks down at me again. "I'm a magic knight, you know! I have a duty-"

"Your duty should be our future," Lawrence cuts me off, his gaze moving away from me again. "...do you really feel like this is where you belong?"

I open my mouth to respond the answer that I always do: Yes, of course. I'm meant to be a magic knight! 

But... I can't say that any more, can I?

Because, for whatever reason, someone on my very own squad wanted me gone.

"Hey... I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you cry."

I didn't even notice the tears trailing down my face until Lawrence reaches out to cup my cheek gently. I look up into his grey eyes, which are filled with warmth, for once. But I still get that chill.

"If something's bothering you... you know where to find me, okay? You're going to be my wife one day, hopefully soon. We can put all this Magic Knights business behind you, but you'll always carry that honor. I'll take care of you, I promise."

... "Alright." I nod slowly, reaching up to hold his hand for a second before he pulls it away. "Write me some letters."

"I will. See you soon!"

Lawrence gives me a small smile and a wave, before quietly leaving me alone in my room once again.

I stay there for a while, curling up under my sheets like a cocoon. For just a couple minutes, I feel safe.

Lawrence really isn't so bad, is he? I mean... at least I know what he wants. My attackers won't show themselves again, not yet, and they won't tell me why they want me gone. Maybe... maybe I should just listen to them, and leave...

No. That's stupid. I squeeze my eyes shut as memories start to flood back.

I can't leave... because then I'll marry Lawrence. I don't want to be near him at all! Slowly, I sit up, letting the sheets fall off my body as the more pleasant chill of the base hits my skin. I'll find out who attacked me, and purge them from this squad! I'm meant to be here, I'm meant to be a magic knight.

Eventually, I get up to get dressed, cleaning myself off before heading to the bathroom. I splash some water on my face before looking up at my reflection. I look tired and a little stressed out... but alive.

"Hello there! Enjoy your day off?"

I'm on my way down to dinner when I run into none other than Julius. I haven't seen him all day, not since yesterday's meeting, but he's heading the same way as me now. "Ah, yeah. I haven't seen my fiance in a while, so it was nice to have lunch with him."

"Your fiance? Oh, right, Prince Lawrence." Julius nods as he falls into step next to me. I glance up at the taller man, not able to read any emotion other than his usual neutrally-happy expression. Even so, his presence puts me at ease, although I doubt anyone would attack me now while everyone is awake in the base. "Is the wedding happening soon?"

"Oh, definitely not. We haven't even started planning it!" I smirk a little. And if I have my way... it won't ever be planned!

"I see... I guess, eventually, you're going to outrank us all."

"Huh?" I look up to see him smiling teasingly down at me. 

"You'll be a princess, right?"

"P-Princess?" My eyes widen as I realize that he's right. Then, I shake my head. "Ah! I don't even want to think about that..."

"Why not?"

"Too much pressure?"

"Ah, well, I think it suits you."

I look back up at him, aghast, just in time to catch his wink. "Hey! Jul- I mean, sir, that's a long way in the future-"

"Julius is fine-" He lets out a warm laugh before gesturing for me to keep up with him. "Come on... a princess can't be late for dinner."

..... AHHHHHH.

I swallow my pride and quickly catch up, pouting a bit to myself. Princess... I can't even imagine becoming royalty. And I don't want to! I'll never be a princess, not if I have anything to say about it.

Slowly, though, I feel my cheeks heat up, and it takes everything I have to keep from glancing back up at Julius's face.

Still...

It didn't sound so bad when he called me that...

[okay-j-hannah]

Countless Assumptions

The Marauders : Fic

Remus x Reader

Word Count: 1526

Warnings: Just the undying love I have for Remus Lupin - can you feel it coming off the screen?

Request: “Hi!~ I would like to do thought prompt 36.  with Remus Lupin. I can totally see that happening. I am an introverted Hufflepuff with curly brown hair that is chubby and wears glasses. I love flowers, astrology, tarot, reading, and painting. Im not sure what im looking for but im looking for some Lupin fluff. Much fluff! Thank you so much!!💜💙💜💙💜💙” - Emily

A/N: You discover that finding out the truth was hard, but telling the truth is harder, as you realize that your absence has caused more grief to Remus than you thought

“Werewolves,” Lily deadpanned, arms folded.

(Y/N) slowly nodded, not giving up on her theory, “Yes, werewolves. It makes sense, Lils!”

“I don’t know, (Y/N),” there was a slight strain behind her eyes, but Lily attempted to keep her voice steady. “That’s pretty far-fetched. Don’t you think we would’ve seen something by now? How could someone hide that they were a werewolf for five years?”

(Y/N) slid her glasses back up her nose, “Because he has help covering it up! The headmaster has to know – and all of the Potter gang.”

Lily held her hands up, “Stop, (Y/N). I don’t want you running down endless conspiracy theories that’ll end up embarrassing you.”

“But how do you explain the one time a month he’s sick? Or how fatigued he is afterwards? Or the scars he has on…”

“I think you should just drop it,” Lily had a wide look in her eyes, almost like she was grasping at straws. “Why – why don’t you just talk to Remus?”

(Y/N) swallowed hard, finding the excitement of her research failing her instantly, “I may have been avoiding him.”

“I think we’ve all noticed that,” Lily sighed at the change of subject. “Do you have a specific reason?”

“If what I’ve figured out is true – that means we have a friend that’s a werewolf. How scary is that? I just – I don’t want to make him feel guilty for not telling anyone, you know? And I don’t think I can be around him without bursting with questions about it.”

Lily frowned slightly, “(Y/N), the whole group has been worried about you. They all think they’ve done something wrong. Remus thinks you’re entirely upset with him for some unknown reason.”

She clutched the books she was holding tighter to her chest when she responded, “They’re actually worried? About me?”

“You may be quiet, (Y/N), but we notice when you’re not there. Especially Remus.”

“I never thought – well, I didn’t think I brought much to the group. I’m so different from…”

Lily couldn’t help but laugh, “Just because you’re the only friend that’s not a Gryffindor doesn’t mean…”

“Not just that, Lils! I’m the only one that enjoys Divination, painting, art, stars.”

“You’re being ridiculous, (Y/N). Go find Remus and actually have a conversation with him. I know he misses you entirely too much.”

An instant splash of a blush crept onto (Y/N)’s cheeks as she adjusted her glasses again.

“Are your cheeks going red?”

“N-No, it’s just a bit cold in here.”

Lily smirked, “We’re literally sitting in front of the fireplace.”

“I’m going to go return these books in the library. I need to pick a few new ones for Astronomy anyway.”

And with inhuman speed, (Y/N) ran out of the Gryffindor common room and down the hallways to the library. Though she may be Hufflepuff, (Y/N) spent most of her time with her Gryffindor friends, finding comfort in their boisterous personalities. Remus always being the most reserved became an instant companion for her. They normally spent most of their time studying for classes or calmly reading novels beside one another. It was always a steady natural friendship that felt comfortable even in times when they sat together in silence.

Until recently. Developing feelings was never part of the plan. Neither was the friend secretly being a werewolf.

At the library, (Y/N) found herself waving at the ever-severe Madam Pince and skidding towards the shelves. She trailed to the corner full of information on constellations, astrology, heavenly bodies, and solar systems.

These aisles were nothing new to her, and within seconds she found the section she needed. She trailed her finger along the spines, admiring the weathered look on many of them. However, something unfamiliar obstructed her pathway – another searching hand.

Their hands met, reaching for the same book. And (Y/N) whipped her eyes to find Remus Lupin staring down at her. She could have sworn there was a flash of embarrassment in his gaze.

“(Y/N).” He stated quietly, retracting his hand and shaking his sleeve over it, “Fancy seeing you here.”

She swallowed hard, twiddling her fingers and finding her eyes gluing to the section of books beside her, “Yes, as you know, I never come into the library – ever.”

He gave a subtle smile, “What a lie.”

She dared a look at him and saw his contorted brow, “I’m sorry, Remus. I’ve got to grab this and go.” She picked the book off the shelf and took a step back, “Very busy, you know. Um… I hope you don’t mind – do you need this book right now?”

There was very clear disappointment in his face, “No… I – I was just finishing our planets map for Astronomy. Professor Trelawney wanted us to use one for our Dream Journals.”

“Right. Well, I guess I’ll…”

“Why don’t you want to talk to me?”

(Y/N) was at a standstill, one foot slightly behind her to exit, “I’m sorry, Remus. This really isn’t the time for me to…”

“It never seems like the right time anymore,” he kept his face downtrodden, his hands in his pockets. “You know since you stopped tutoring me I’ve completely failed every Astronomy quiz.”

It was like her heart was attempting a race with her lungs – each deciding to see which could move faster. “I can’t – I can’t talk about it, Remus. Not yet. I don’t want you t-to get upset.”

She turned to leave, but felt an immediate hand grab her arm, “But I’m upset now, (Y/N). I want you to talk to me – please. I haven’t seen you in ages and the guys say you’re avoiding them too.”

“That’s just because Sirius plans on asking me to accompany him on the next Hogsmeade visit. Something about trying to make a girl jealous.” Her eyes were flickering to anywhere but Remus’ desperate face.

“This isn’t funny anymore, (Y/N). Did James put you up to this? I don’t appreciate such a practical joke being played on…”

“No, no, that’s not it. Honestly, Remus, I just don’t think it’d be a good idea if I tell you.”

He contorted his brow further, defining a few scars on his forehead, “Did I do something wrong? It’s driving me crazy, (Y/N), please just…”

Madam Pince peered around the shelves and hushed them with a heavy hiss, her gnarled fingers pointing them out. Remus let go of (Y/N) immediately, not realizing he had moved to grabbing both her shoulders.

“I can’t stop worrying about it, (Y/N). It’s driving me up the wall and even Peter has stopped trying to make me feel better – all I do is pace and think aloud and wonder what on earth it could’ve been that would make you…”

“I know you’re a werewolf.”

He left his mouth open, his breathing hitching, “That’s why.”

She bit the inside of her cheek, “I didn’t want to make you upset.”

“I understand.” He turned his eyes away and clenched his jaw, “I can’t expect everyone to be comfortable around a monster.” He quickly walked around her to leave and she blinked several times in attempt to comprehend what he just said.

“Remus!”

She ran after him, ignoring the glare from Madam Pince. She trotted to his stalking figure, mumbling as she went, “Remus, you don’t get it.”

“Yes, I do. You’ve been ignoring me because you don’t want to be friends with a werewolf. That’s fine – you don’t want to be endangered by me.”

“No, no, that’s not it at all.”

“Then what is it then?” He turned to her dramatically, his voice much louder than it normally was. “Because I’ve run out of options. (Y/N), I worry about you more than I have about any other person I know. I don’t think I can function properly if you don’t give me a legitimate answer as to why you won’t speak to me.”

She bit her bottom lip, finding her arms limp at her sides, “I… you worry about me? I thought Lily was just…”

“What did Lily tell you?” He looked scared when he asked it.

“Remus, I didn’t want to jeopardize our friendship over knowing you were a werewolf before you told me. I wanted you to tell me about it when you were ready to – not because I figured it out. I thought if I distanced myself I wouldn’t feel the pressure to keep that a secret from you.”

He peered at her with a hard gaze, “That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard. Why would I be upset you know what I am if you’re still alright with being around me despite my true form?”

She mumbled her next words immediately.

“What?”

“I also didn’t want to ruin our friendship over a silly crush.”

He paused, his posture and voice growing small, “Is it James? Sirius? We can still be friends even if…” He shuffled away slightly, a hint of regret in his features, “Even if you’re dating one of our friends.”

“Now that’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard,” she was smirking now. “Because I was talking about you, wolf boy.”

His head snapped back to look at her, immediate hope in his gaze, “Really?”

~~~

Buy Me a Coffee?

[sweet-cool-twins]

Thank you Inazuma Eleven & GO

Hey everyone, I do have an important thing I need to share regarding my absence both back in 2014 and 2019. Mostly 2019 after I uploaded my Raimon Junior High Chapter 4. I know people expect a chapter update on my Raimon Jr High fanfic, I’m sorry to disappoint on that. 

I haven't been feeling mentally well since 2019 cause I realised that it had been 9 years (back in 2019) since I joined IE and those times were the best days of my life. I got to show my creative side, my love for an anime, and made so many friends on FF.net and here. I was basically the happiest those times. Every break in school I had, on the bus ride home, or even resting at home, I would be thinking about new ideas for stories, or writing them in my phone notes, or just reading IE fanfics.

All those were lost when I went into high school (basically college in my country) and had projects with deadlines to complete which took up majority of my time due to my then pre-formed anxiety issue of not hitting deadlines. Then 2019 came and Idk how I came back to IE (i guess I wanted to watch Kusaka x Morimura, not too sure what happened really), I watched the last Galaxy episode and heard Ten Made Todoke! which is the GO first season opening song which is basically a nostalgia song for me, not just my preference, the tune and music itself would bring up some sort of nostalgia to everybody to be honest. And then they bought back Tenma's dribbles which was the skill Tenma showcased in the first GO season (Holy Road) but slowly lost it when he became captain and Chrono Stone season onwards as he matured as a captain.

Then I felt very mad and depressed cause I knew I lost all my creativeness and writer's sense (if that's what you call it?). I used to be able to picture how the characters would act in certain situations, how they speak (which are quite on-point judging by a review or message from a reader who I could not find the username, such a lovely person!), and these would just flow out of me as I sit in front of my laptop and type in docs page back then. The grammar and writing style was very childish and painfully cringy, but I had a lot of fun writing and it gave me a lot of hope and happiness just from reading the 3-5 reviews from readers (Bless u guys for favouriting, following, and reviewing my stories!).

Still, I sort of pushed myself to publish this Raimon Junior High fanfic as I was forcing myself to get back all the skills I had lost before I came back in 2019. Each time I review my drafts, I'm completely stumped and shocked by some of the phrases I'd used, even some of the conversations don't make sense to me anymore (and I know my past self's character's speech patterns are on-point as stated in the previous paragraph). My brain couldn't even think of those phrases and convos when I was writing this fic. So the depression, stress, feelings of loss, all lead me to slowly delay the update of this fic to practically leaving it hanging. It irks me by the way, to leave it like this. I just couldn't take it anymore and I guess the easiest way was to leave it.

Then my younger brother (I don't know if anyone knows this but yes I do have 1 sibling) and his girlfriend were watching Cells at Work! anime on Netflix and the main white blood cell voice actor is the same voice actor for Tsurugi Yuuichi in GO. Hearing him made me recall back the times I searched about the voice actor due to his singing capabilities (his singing was kyaaaaa (long time no type that lol) in the Onaji Yume Wo Miteru Tsurugi brothers character song) and also 'cause IE GO basically blew up many voice actors' fanbase as it was a pretty popular anime in Japan. So I checked back on IE GO again to hear his 2011 voice and sort of hear his improvements as a voice actor. I knew I was going to feel all the sadness and loss again upon hearing the GO first opening again (which it did), worse the Tsurugi brothers arc made me legitimately cry cause I sort of related to Yuuichi in a way better than when I was in middle school.

The feeling of happiness in the past and having to leave it for 6+ years until the present, to then realise you are probably too old to continue persuing the thing which you love back then (because to start to be a professional sports player, you have to be young like before 22 years old young, at least that's what I've heard of.) and the fact that you have to relearn everything which takes pretty much a long damn time, and even more if you want to do so professionally, is gonna eat up the years you have to pursue the job. This thought hit me so hard that I had a mental breakdown. Their character song (as I said I got back to IE GO and started relistening to the character songs which I've never heard in a lonnnnng time for Yuuichi's voice) added this depression even more. The first line by Tsurugi Kyousuke, "We always used to run together, chasing after a ball..." and the image of the two brothers flashed in my mind would break me to pieces as it was a happy moment for Yuuichi and it reminded me of my happy days here, although now he's stuck in the present with a disability similar to me being stuck with my depression and loss writer sense.

Which lead to me typing this long text out. I've reviewed the existing drafts of Raimon Jr High (they weren't automatically removed yet as 1 year hasn't passed since I updated on FF.net) and just felt I should just end this fic in a way with a plot plan at least because I know the me right now probably could not finish this fic. Please kindly read it and imagine the scenes you could possibly think of for the chapters. When I do get better, I want to edit some of the drafts to whichever chapter I am most confident in completing. The fic itself is following the GO season (1-20), then Chrono Stone (21-30), then Galaxy (31-50). I won't do Galaxy (i will explain in detail in the Galaxy Rant portion in a separate post) as I left the fandom during that time and aren't as close to the characters compared to the previous 2 seasons (to say it nicely).

I want to say, thanks if any of you read this till the end. I really appreciate it. It really irks me to leave this (or any) story hanging, yet I want to at least give a reason why, the process of it happening, and the fic plans for each chapter so you guys at least know roughly how Raimon Jr High fanfic would have ended. I'm still trying to find myself and love myself again like back then. Therapy is terribly slow and sometimes I feel better after a therapy, and then I encounter another negative thing in my life and feel all this sadness all over again (especially any past regarding IE). I dearly wish I could go back to the past yet time doesn't allow that and you have to move on. I don't know what to make of the future. I don't know if I will ever get better. I do hope what when I do get better and gain back the creativeness, I would have the time to continue this fic until the Chrono Stone 'season' ends as that was my main motivation for writing this fic. I do wish all of you the best and all the happiness in the world cause we all deserve it, even if you think you're normal or average. Cause I am average and aren't as happy as I was, and I deeply wish I could feel that happiness again. Thank you guys again! Hontou ni arigatou! (Long time no type that too lol)

[skrillahead]

Ten years ago, when I was 23 an old friend introduced me to @taylorswift music. I had just gone through a horrendous breakup to a guy named John and she mentioned how she felt I would appreciate the song “Dear John.” To my surprise it resonated every thought and feeling I was going through. It didn’t take long before I begged her to let me borrow her Speak Now album. I’ll admit here and now that it was one of the fundemental albums I listened to help me recover from one of the worst relationships I’ve ever been in.

Two years later in 2012, history repeated itself. The relationship wasn’t as dramatic or eventful but it still hurt like hell. I mean, how could it not? when no matter how many times you put your love out there they never want to stay. To my surprise Taylor Swift put out her singles for her Red album that fall and I can’t even begin to describe how therapeutic it was to listen to “I knew you were trouble” but also how much I cried every time I listened to “Red” because it really did feel like driving a Maserati down a dead end street *cries even now*

Two years after that in 2014, Taylor’s 1989 album was released and at the time I hadn’t really cared to date anymore. I was happy being on my own and wasn’t looking to detox of any sad emotions but I bought the album because “Shake it off” was just super fun to listen to and I’m so glad that one song convinced me to buy the album because that year I had a falling out with the very friend who introduced me to Taylor’s music. So one can only imagine what song I had on repeat that fall. You guessed it “Bad Blood” it was almost as if she had premeditated my life. Like she knew what was coming before I did and said, “here. This might help”

In 2015, an ex bf from 2006 (my first real bf) sent me a text one night after not speaking for about six years because he was in a new relationship and wouldn’t stop messaging me. Keep in mind, I had never gotten over this guy because he was my first everything. It was hard to forget him (up until this series of events of course) but as hard as it was to ignore him i knew it wasn’t right to talk to him while he had a girlfriend because yes, I believe in karma. The night he textd me we talked for hours. He says “we broke up” and “she wasn’t you” I fight it for a bit but eventually I bite. Not long after, I see him and get to kiss him again. It felt like magic all over again, he even mentioned going on vacation together and getting married but as fast as he came he left. Turns out he was still seeing his “at the time ex” (you can see where this is going) I eventually put all the pieces together and tell him to never speak to me again. I felt so broken and stupid for believing every word he said and for thinking that I could even mean anything to him when he had been with this other girl for 7 years at that point. So what did I do to heal? Like most people I hung out with friends and kept busy but honestly, none of that helped as much as listening to “You’re not Sorry” from the Fearless album on repeat. It was the one album I hadn’t listened to in its entirety yet and when I heard that song I cried like someone spilled onion juice in my eyes but I kept moving forward and eventually got out of my depressive state. So again, thank you for that. Btw fast forward to present time and they’re now married. So, congratulations Mr and Mrs Muir. Side note: there are so many details missing from this but I don’t want to bore anyone with that in the middle of an already long post.

Flash forward to 2016, there wasn’t a new Taylor Swift album. Which almost felt odd considering there had been 2 year gaps between her albums before but I did read a lot about her in the tabloids that year so I figured her absence might’ve been related to it. Regardless, my own personal and very unrealistic agenda for Taylor made me angry with her that year. 2016, was the year Trump ran for President, and as we all know he won. For some crazy reason my head went crazy. I strongly believed that Taylor could’ve kept that man from winning had she used her voice because of how strong her following is but we couldn’t find her until voting day. I conjured up this idea in my head that she was more concerned about losing followers over where she stood in politics than what actually happened to us as a nation. I really don’t know what I was going through that year to be so delusional. It probably didn’t even have to do with Taylor Swift but I did become angry. There was just so much uncertainty by the end of that year that maybe I used her as a scape goat and just started believing all of the negative things that were being posted online about her which in retrospect, wasn’t right and wasn’t fair. She’s still a person with not only her own thoughts and feelings but also her own struggles. So if by any crazy chance you happen to read this I want to say I am deeply sorry.

Okay, so now it’s the year 2017 and I am celebrating one year of living with my awesome new roommate, who legitimately has been one of the bestest if not thee best friend I have ever had and Taylor has released her Reputation album BUT I do a personal protest to not listen to it (because remember? I’m still angry) but it was inevitable. She was everywhere! and while I may not have been a huge fan of the first single, I have to admit when I heard “Ready for it” in that one commercial it got so hard to not want to just listen to it on Spotify because the whole song just sounded so good. Yet, somehow I kept strong.

Flash forward to 2018, and what is this I see? Taylor Swift finally voiced her opinion on politics? Let me tell you, when I say I ran so fast to the Spotify app so fast it felt like my life was depending on it. I relapsed the second Taylor Swift announces her political stance because I may have been wrong about her but I was wrong for a good reason. She showed what she truly valued and it wasn’t numbers. Thank you by the way because I was aching to listen to “Ready for it” on repeat for about a year at this point. Not only that! But she released her 2 hour Reputation Tour documentary on Netflix that year and now I was upset that I let my emotions get the best of me because it looked like such a fun tour to be a part of.

2019, wasn’t too eventful from what I can remember. Well, with the exception of Taylor fighting for the rights to her music which by the way, what the hell is up with that? Just give her work back! Still I hoped that regardless of that her and her boo Joe Alwyn were doing well. I personally loved the story I read somewhere about how he told you he wasn’t giving up that easy or something along those lines. I’m personally a hopeless romantic and like cheesy stuff like that even though I may come across as tough ogre. In the words of Shrek himself, I’m like an onion. I’ve got layers.

So now we’ve finally reached present year 2020, a whole 4 years since I got irrationally upset with a person I’ve never met before except through her work. It’s 6 days before my 33rd bday and the Miss Americana documentary is released on Netflix. I felt angry once again but this time at myself. I was upset with this artist I had admired for so long who had helped me mend wounds and collect broken heart pieces. All while she was dealing with her own family issues, her breakups, sexual abuse, body image issues, scandal, and finding the strength to voice her political opinions. I really had the nerve to be upset? I’ll admit another thing on here at the risk of someone I know reading this and thinking I’m overdramatic for doing so but I cried. I genuinely felt terrible. How she’s been able to keep such a strong and wise head on those shoulders after everything that’s been thrown at her is admirable. I can only dream of being that damn strong and I find refuge in the fact that while everything may not be perfect in her life at least she has a good support system whether that be in the shape of her parents, her brother, her boyfriend, or her friends (yes, that includes fans.)

Anyway, I wrote all of that to show you guys that while we’ve been in quarantine I’ve found solace in bullet journaling and had added a bunch of my favorite Taylor Swift lyrics from the last 4 albums she’s released. It helped me let go of a lot of old thoughts and emotions to rewrite them myself. Your music, your words, and your values have helped me and so many others so much Taylor. I know it’s selfish to ask but please keep writing even when you get married or when you have kids and they need their diaper changed (shoot I’ll babysit if you need me to) or til you get old lady fingers and they’re all spotty and wrinkly. I’ll even send cookies as a thank you. If you’ve read this far I hope Ive made you laugh even a little. Stay, stay, stay, safe and quarantined guys :)

[moviegroovies]

y’all i saw terminator: dark fate!!!!!!!!!

GOD i loved it. i think i’ve admitted before that the only way i really rank exciting plot points in movies is by how much i anticipated them/wanted them to happen, and terminator: dark fate did NOT disappoint. fuck every writer or director who makes weird shit happen in their stories just to give the audience a story they couldn’t possibly have anticipated. (cough avengers endgame cough.) sometimes the best ending is one you can see from ten miles away, because that means it’s been set up EFFICIENTLY. 

obviously, i think the new terminator did that. there were a few things i wanted to happen that didn’t (mostly regarding the life of one or two key characters), and a few things i legitimately didn’t see coming that i really liked, but ultimately the story was solid, awesome to watch, and very faithful to the original. i haven’t seen any of the sequels past judgement day, and i have no plans to change that anytime soon (lmao), but i’ve heard that it discounts all continuity past the second one, and that’s completely fine by me. the actors were great. LINDA HAMILTON was great. and i am sexually attracted to old soft arnold schwarzenneger. 😔

i was debating on whether or not i should make a separate post to talk about the time travel in the terminator franchise or if i should just go crazy go stupid and lump it in with my review and ultimately i think it can just go here, because i have some things to say re: the way it ties back to the originals. 

personally i think the neatest example of time shenanigans in the franchise comes from the very first movie. that one sets up time travel in their universe as very “you already changed the past,” insofar as, without the time travel elements, there is the very real sense that the future the terminator came from would never have existed. kyle reese, from the future, becomes the father of his superior officer john connor. without the time travel, there would be no human resistance for skynet to fear. not only that, when the terminator’s arm is left behind intact, even after sarah destroys the machine, they set out the idea that skynet itself was DEVELOPED FROM THE TERMINATOR’S TECHNOLOGY, so if there was no time travel, there was no skynet, and no apocalypse... etc. at the end of the movie, the picture of sarah that kyle comes back with is taken by a child at a gas station, and it seems like a clue that everything is happening on track. sarah will give birth to john connor, the machines will rise up, the resistance will rally, time travel will ensue. the events of the first movie are a closed time loop, and ultimately, i find that really satisfying. 

However. 

from a narrative perspective, i think the changes in those time travel mechanics are super interesting. 

basically, in judgement day, there’s still some implications that the timeline is a closed loop--the terminator’s hand is actually shown to be the basis of what will become the skynet computer, which is being built right then and there. the apocalypse could indeed be on, and everything seems fixed. then, though, they find the creator of the computer, and miles bennett helps them to destroy his work in horror at what he will create. skynet never happens. they change the future. 

by dark fate, that ability to change what is “written” becomes not only a plot point, but a sort of rallying cry. the skynet apocalypse is officially off--now the dark future is controlled by a very similar breed of computer known as legion. sarah’s efforts changed the future, permanently. there’s the feeling perhaps that the future can only be changed to an extent (the skynet apocalypse being canceled, but replaced by a very similar robo-hell, for example--almost like the timeline is trying to set itself right), but that feeling is tested and challenged as the movie progresses. in that sense, dark fate is the full culmination of the trendline that their “trilogy” represents: sarah’s fate was sealed in dark fate, but with john’s influence in judgement day, things were officially set off course. dark fate represented dani’s turn, and she took everything into her own hands--she personally stood up and refused to run, refused to let the bad future win out, refused to take things lying down. sarah felt a kinship to her, based on the position that she found her in, but it’s like she realizes--dani is not sarah. sarah’s realization is that “she’s john,” which is closer--she’s the leader of the resistance, humanity’s only hope, but i think the message is pretty clearly telling us that she’s not john connor either--she’s dani ramos. 

and she fucking OWNS.

one thing that i was a little iffy about at the start of the movie was the “white savior” thing. i don’t think that was an unfounded reservation to have--based on the formula from the first movie, a terminator is sent back to kill, and a hero is sent back to protect. this time, the “hero” is a white girl cyborg named grace, while the character in danger, who the movie clearly wants you to think is in the same boat as sarah connor, ie the mother mary role, literally important not for her own self but for her womb, is a mexican woman. that could have reached unfortunate implication levels like hella fast, but honestly (and i will disclaim this by adding that i’m white, so if you felt differently about it i would appreciate hearing why), i think the rest of the movie subverted that pretty beautifully. for one thing, grace being fundamentally human underneath her augmentation meant that she wasn’t an unstoppable machine ready to continue on until her metal frame was torn to shreds. she was a BADASS, obviously, and in the first fight, grace did prove herself a worthy successor to the “uncle bob” terminator in t2 with her kickass skillz (sorry kyle reese you’re just not that cool), but soon after that we got to see grace’s limits. if it hadn’t been for sarah connor, grace’s plan on the bridge finally boiled down to “when the terminator starts to kill me, run.” soon after that, grace’s power is shown to be fallible even more thoroughly when she hits her limit and starts to convulse, a byproduct of her augmentation. grace can do more than what a human can do, but she can’t do it forever like a machine could. very quickly in the movie, the tables were flipped, and even though grace came back through time to protect dani, dani was the one who had to take over the driver’s seat (despite never having driven before), and the one responsible for getting grace to medicine so that she could be resuscitated. and all that was BEFORE the big reveal.

a note: there were two scenes in pretty quick succession in this sequence that made me sob. the first of these was the death of dani’s brother diego, because in his last act, he was reassuring his sister that he was okay, despite being impaled by a metal pole. that line gave his character some depths that i hadn’t expected, and it really made dani’s pain after the car went up feel palpable. diego didn’t get a lot of screentime, but we saw him flirt lamely with a neighbor, we saw him dream of internet fame, we saw him joke at the factory even as his job was being replaced. we saw how much dani cared about him when she told him to take her job while she sorted out his replacement by machine parts. their relationship was a solid brick in the movie’s foundation, and his loss felt a lot more real than many comparable losses in movies. you know that whole “show, don’t tell” adage? they didn’t have to tell me that losing diego (and her father) was like a knife in dani. i saw that for myself. the second scene was at the pharmacy, when the employees and the other customers reached out to help grace even after she and dani had both lashed out and threatened them with the gun in fear of what was happening. y’all ever get emotional over the way that people are essentially good and will help each other when they can? god i fucking love that.

anyway, the reveal. the reveal was awesome. 

i started suspecting that dani wasn’t the mother of humanity’s last hope, but rather, humanity’s last hope herself, during the conversation on the train telling us exactly the opposite. sarah makes some assumptions and projects her experience onto dani, telling her flat out that she’s pretty much a walking incubator for humanity’s last hope. there’s a sense that sarah might be bitter about having that role handed to her, and perhaps even more so because it was then taken away--she lost the son that she risked everything for, fought two terminators for, and for nothing: for some machines in a future that no longer existed. in that scene though, crucially, grace never says anything to confirm sarah’s assumptions. the one character with knowledge of the future doesn’t impart it, and it shows. sarah knows things that dani doesn’t simply because it’s not her first rodeo, but she’s also wrong sometimes, too. again in the kitchen later, the “carl” terminator asks about grace’s mission, but she doesn’t share it or give any information on who dani is going to turn out to be. the absence of information can often be an answer all in itself, and the reveal had some EXCELLENT groundwork throughout the movie--both in grace’s actions and in the brave and heroic actions of dani herself.

dani’s nature and grace’s past being revealed in the plane was one of the best scenes in perhaps the entire franchise. i said i sobbed at those scenes i outlines before, right? yeah, that was nothing to how hard i was crying and also cringey stimming during the reveal. we got to see a peek of dani ramos some twenty years in the future, and she’s incredible. she’s fearless, she’s tough, but crucially, she’s still kind. she takes no shit, but she not only saves a child’s life, but she offers a new one to the thugs who were chasing her. in just one scene, the way that dani bands a resistance together is obvious: she’s the best of us, and she uses that for good.

god, i love dani ramos. 

the way that ultimately, dani takes the “hero” role over for herself (much like sarah did, honestly) and the way that we get to see grace’s weaknesses make them a very balanced pair. they’re both badass women in their own right (hell, sarah is, too), and they counter each other excellently. grace is augmented, and has physical capabilities that dani can’t match. at the same time, though, dani is willing to make risks that grace isn’t, because while grace’s concern rests on the fate of one woman, dani wants to find the best outcome for everyone--including herself, but not ending there. grace is willing to drop dani at the bottom of a mineshaft, if that’s what it takes to keep her safe. dani is willing to sacrifice her safety to face the confrontation that’s looming, because that’s what it takes to move forward. 

i think one of the coolest things about the movie is that both grace and sarah come into the action with more experience in combat than dani, and more knowledge about the situation than dani, but ultimately the movie shows that they aren’t infallible, and there’s never a moment when dani is punished for naivety or made to feel stupid because she wasn’t as informed as them. both grace and sarah, in fact, are openly shown to be wrong about dani in different ways--grace knows who she’s going to become, intimately, but that closeness makes her too reluctant to put dani near the front lines, choosing to run indefinitely from the terminator rather than face it head on and use every advantage they can get to beat it. sarah, meanwhile, respects dani’s agency more, but in a way she sees past her at the start of the movie, dismissing her importance in a way that reads as sarah dismissing her own--she’s attacking herself and using dani as a proxy, but sarah’s wrong, because dani isn’t her. i love how both grace and sarah are good characters, and they’re both doing what they think is necessary and right, but they’re allowed to be wrong and misguided. ultimately, if it wasn’t for dani’s own agency and choices, the terminator would not have been defeated, and there would be no hope for subverting the bad future everyone is waiting for.

fate, believe it or not, is a very present theme in dark fate. obviously, i talked earlier about how this movie is the culmination of the “you can’t change the future” ->  “you can change the future?” -> “you can change the future.” chain of events represented in the good terminator movies that i will acknowledge, but it’s more than just that. through the character of the “carl” terminator, we also get to see the blatant subversion of one’s nature for the better, and that was just. really epic. ngl.

in terminator 2, i enjoyed how john connor was protected by the reprogrammed terminator “uncle bob,” but i was a little disappointed by the execution. having uncle bob be a protector to john was exactly what i wanted, but the explanation that he had been programmed to do so rubbed me a little the wrong way. what i didn’t realize until i watched dark fate was that this pinged as wrong because dark fate gave me what i wanted: a terminator that didn’t change sides because he was taken down and forced to change, but rather, a terminator that actually made a conscious decision to be better because of what he observed in humanity. carl saw a familial dynamic and realized that he had taken that from sarah, and reached out to her, giving her a purpose like his family had given him a purpose, because he chose to. and that was the sexiest thing he could have done.

can you tell i LOVE what they did with the terminator. his arc and sarah’s were such awesome continuations for sarah’s general history and the progression of terminators played by arnold schwarzenneger. part of me was hoping for an ending where we saw sarah and carl drive off together, waving to dani and preparing to live out the rest of their years saving the future. yeah, well, we didn’t get that, but there were several scenes that hinted at forgiveness from sarah (an almost impossible feat given how she felt and what she lost) and trust between the two of them, and i loved that too.

dark fate was a good movie, y’all. it was so good. 

there’s probably a million other things that i could talk about going down this vein, but this post is already a monster. i’ll just sign out by saying: one last thing i thought was epic and cool was how the protagonists cross the border from mexico into the us and at no point is such an action demonized; in fact, it’s necessary for them to reach essential aid in the form of carl, and the man who facilitates the action, dani’s uncle, is never treated amorally or like a criminal. i know, i know, the bar is on the fucking floor, but in the political climate we’ve got, for a blockbuster to take that stance felt like a pretty solid statement to me. 

also, i liked the terminator’s line about texas. watching that in a theater in texas, i must report that it got the biggest audience reaction out of any line in the whole movie. folks, there were wolf whistles. ciao.

[justallamaimaginingthings]

Against All Odds [Jaime Lannister x Stark!Reader]

Request: Hiya! I was wondering if I could request a Jaime Lannister x reader fic, I saw request were open! Could you do one where him and the reader meet at a ball or something and he’s attracted to her so whilst she’s at Kings Landing he tries to flirt and they fall in love etcetcetc but won’t admit it and one day out of jealousy Cersei has her guards beat the reader to warn her? Super angsty if possible and I’m sorry that was long I didn’t know how to put it into words! Lots of love! Xx

A/n: Jaime may have been a dick but he deserves better

Words 2,400  ||  GoT Masterlist

Being the eldest child of Ned Stark brought along an almost endless list of responsibilities. However you loved your house and most of all you loved your family. You had always been close with your father so when you were asked to follow him and your sisters to King’s Landing, you accepted even thought you didn’t like the thought of living in the South.

One of the things you despised the most was having to attend balls. You found no point in dressing up and having to withstand men trying to impress you by constantly talking about themselves.

“I swear to the Gods the next time another Lord tells me about how large his castle is I’ll jump off a window” you mumbled making your father chuckle and lightly scold you.

“Try not to insult anyone and maybe the next time we’ll figure out a way for you not to attend” he replied whispering. It wasn’t much, but even the possibility of missing one of those pretentious gatherings was enough to motivate you through this one. “The King wishes to talk to me, is it okay to leave you alone?”

“Father, I’m a grown woman, I can take care of myself”

“It’s not you I’m worried about” he said making you laugh. With that he headed to the royal table, leaving you almost hiding in the shadows in order to avoid any form of interaction. However your wishes were not met with reality when you heard the voice of no other than the infamous Jaime Lannister behind you.

“And what may a beautiful Lady like yourself be doing lurking in the shadows?” He asked softly making you want to roll your eyes at him “I bet half the Lords in this ballroom would kill for a dance with the Flower of the North” he continued

“Unfortunately you happen to be right my Lord” you replied trying not to sound too irritated by his presence.

“Unfortunately?” He seemed to be legitimately interested in what you meant so you decided to elaborate before you had the chance to think twice.

“That’s all they see in me. The only thing they consider me capable of is dancing and nodding along to their extravagant stories. Dance after dance after dance… That can’t be all there is to life” You regretted the words almost immediately as they left your mouth. This was Jaime Lannister you were talking to, for gods’ sake. “Excuse me that was uncalled for” you hurried to add before he had a chance to say anything.

“There’s nothing to apologize for, Lady Stark. I understand the way you feel. After all these balls are certainly not the best life has to offer, the Gods are not that cruel” he replied taking you by surprise.

“I take it I’m not the only one not enjoying myself as much as I’m supposed to” you thought out loud causing the Lannister to chuckle. Even if you’d never admit it out loud, it was nice hearing him laugh for the first time.

“Once again you are right, my Lady” he replied smirking. His presence was just as intense as people claimed it was, however you did not feel intimidated, just curious to find out more about the Lannister Lion.

“There’s no need for titles, please just Y/n”

“Well then, Y/n, I think there is a way we can help each other out of this situation. Come with me, and call me Jaime” he offered and even though every thinking cell inside your body screamed at you to turn around while you still could, you decided to give in to your curiosity and follow the Lannister. After all, you had to admit you liked the way your name sounded coming from him.

“I’m starting to think your intentions are not as innocent as I thought, leading a lady through such dark and isolated parts of the castle. Are you trying to seduce me, Ser Jaime?” you half joked half flirted as you were crossing an extremely dark corridor

“Depends, is it working?” he replied in the exact same tone causing a light laugh to escape your lips

You were ready to answer but you were interrupted by the view that appeared in front of you. It was the most beautiful although tiny garden you had ever come across with just a couple of trees standing in the middle. The moonlight added a silvery glow to everything, intensifying the beauty of the place. For a moment all you could do was stare at the view in front of you in awe, trying to absorb the beauty of it.

“Enjoying the view?” Jaime asked snapping you out of the trance you were into.

“It’s beautiful” You replied

“Indeed” he said and if you were any less fascinated by what you were seeing you’d notice the knight staring at you. He made his way to the trees and you realized there was a small wooden couch hidden underneath them. You followed Jaime and sat down next to him. “So, tell me, Y/n, what else should I know about you except from the fact that you despise dancing and nodding along to my stories?” He asked making you chuckle.

The night went on, both of you talking about your lives, your dreams and your desires. As time went by he seemed to open up to you and vice versa and before you realized what was happening you were telling him things you had never told anyone before. After that night it became a tradition and the both of you would meet in the same garden almost every night and spend hours talking about everything. Slowly but steadily a strong bond was formed between the two of you. These late night adventures allowed you to realize there were so much more to Jaime than he let on. Sure, he appeared arrogant and self-centered, but that was just a façade and if anyone managed to break it they’d see that deep down Jaime Lannister had a good heart despite the things he’d done.

At first you considered Jaime one of your closest friends but then something changed and you’d start to notice the how beautiful his laugh sounded and the way his eyes would light up when he talked about something he was passionate about. You knew what that meant however you refused to own up to the fact that you were falling for him.

What you didn’t know was the fact that Jaime was having similar thoughts himself, trying to figure out how he ended up falling in love with a Stark. The feelings he got when he was around you were something he had never felt before. His heart stopped whenever you touched him and he’d get all nervous and uncertain about himself. Also, you seemed to be the thought stuck in his head as he would never stop missing your company when you weren’t around. Jaime thought he had known what love felt like, but he couldn’t be more wrong. For the first time in his life he had someone he could confide in, someone who valued him and even made him want to be a better man.

Unfortunately, even though both of you were oblivious about your feelings, they had been noticed by someone else, that someone being Cercei. To say she was jealous would be an understatement. The moment an opportunity presented itself in, she send the Mountain after you.

You were on your way to meet Jaime when you felt a pair of arms grab you from behind and throw you to the nearest wall. Before you could reach for the dagger you kept hidden the large man hit you in the head making you lose your balance. What followed was a series of punches and kicks so intense that by the end of it you could barely stand. You returned to your room and fell on your bed exhausted from the effort you had to make to arrive there. After what seemed like centuries you found the strength to get up and attend to the cuts in your face.  It appears that in your distress you forgot to lock the door because when Jaime came looking for you it opened the moment he tried to knock.

“Jaime what are you doing here?” You asked slowly and tried to turn around so he wouldn’t see your face. The last thing you needed right now was him seeing you in the state you were in, hair a mess and your face all bloody.

“Your absence made me concerned. Is everything okay?” At this point Jaime was certain something was off and he refused to leave until he made sure you were okay.

“Yes, I am just really tired and my head hurts. It’s nothing though I’ll be fine tomorrow” you straight up lied feeling instantly guilty about it as he was the only person you had tried to be absolutely honest with.

“Y/n I know you’re lying. What happened?” He insisted making his way towards where you were sitting, still not facing him.

“Nothing. Just go to sleep, Jaime” you tried one last time even though you knew there was no way to change his mind. The bad feeling in the back of his mind intensified immediately at your response making him feel a knot in his stomach.

“Just look at me and I’ll go” he asked almost begging

“Don’t…” Before you could protest, you felt his hand slowly tracing your cheekbone, prompting you to turn around and face him which you denied. Instead he just got up and kneeled in front of where you were sitting, finally getting a look at the damage the Mountain had caused.

“Who did this?” He asked sternly. You had never heard his voice so void of emotion and it almost scared you seeing this side of him.

“It doesn’t matter”

“I need to know" he said trying not to let his emotions get the best of him. If he was honest with himself, Jaime would admit there were countless contradicting thoughts running through his head. An immeasurable anger towards the person who had hurt you, some kind of relief that you were still alive, guilt that he wasn’t there when you needed him.

“It won’t make a difference” you insisted knowing if he found out it was his sister he’d act on instinct, never minding the consequences and get himself in danger.

“It was my sister wasn’t it?” he asked and when there was no response he knew he was right.

“Please don’t do anything you’ll regret” it was your turn to beg wanting him to stay out of harm’s way. Perhaps he should stay away from you now that the situation was starting to get wild, you thought sadly.

“No, Y/n. I’ve tolerated enough of Cercei’s shit. I cannot stand by and watch the woman I love being treated this way. I don’t care if she is the Queen Mother, or the Queen herself" he burst out taking you by surprise. Of all the things you expected to hear that was the last.

“The woman you what?” you half whispered, thinking you had misheard his words. For a moment the room was filled with absolute silence that broke by Jaime’s sad laugh.

“There is no point hiding it, is there? Y/n Stark I am in love with you, you have bewitched me of body and soul. And I know it sounds stupid but you made me realize what love is. You make me want to be a better man" Jaime’s eyes met yours at last and you could see the sincerity of his words even if you found it hard to believe them.

“I feel the same way and I have been for a while now” you confessed and allowed a smile to grace your features ignoring the slight pain the action caused.

“How can you? You deserve so much better than this, than me. The Kingslayer. The man without honor. A man who can’t even protect you” he said looking away. It was your turn to gently place a hand on his cheekbone to make him look at you.

“You cannot protect me, no one can. But I do not care. I do not need a guard, I need someone I can trust and love and that person is you Jaime" you explained softly. The faint light of the fire shone through your room making his blue eyes shine even brighter. Deep down both of you knew it would be dangerous, but that was a risk you were willing to take and the look of pure adoration he was giving you was all the evidence you needed. He opened his mouth to protest but you interrupted him before he even started “I want this just as much as you do, why deny it?”

The struggle going on in his mind was apparent, yet your final words seemed to be all he needed to hear because next thing you knew was his lips coming down on yours full of passion and at the same time tender. You closed your eyes and allowed yourself to melt at his touch as his hands run through your hair, pulling you closer. He gently tugged at your bottom lip causing you to let out a soft whimper. When the kiss finally broke he didn’t pull away, instead his eyes remained closed as his hand came down to caress your lips

“Do you really think this can work?” he asked opening his eyes to look at you, taking in the state you were into, pupils dilated and lips slightly bruised.

“I know it will” you replied and against all odds you were actually sure. It wouldn’t be easy but you would find a way, no matter what Cercei or anyone else tried.

[busanbunnie]

ooc; i feel like i owe everyone an explanation about why i dropped off the face of the earth regarding ims / current responses / discord. pls forgive me. ♥

i haven’t written in over a month and a half now -- my queue has been on to post once a day at midday uk time and that is slowly running out. i have so many drafts and i literally owe everyone along with memes and sweet asks that many of you have sent. on top of that i haven’t been on discord pretty much at all for the past two weeks bar a couple of times for personal reasons. here is my explanation. my dog has been severely ill for two months now and unfortunately two weeks ago we had to say our goodbyes. in between looking after him and working two jobs, i simply couldn’t get online to do replies. a week after that happened my boyfriends mum got very ill and had to be rushed into surgery (personal matter so i won’t go into detail) so that is something i’ve been dealing with and helping him cope with. this week i’ve been celebrating my birthday in london despite all the shit that has been going on so again, i haven’t had my laptop or anything with me nor did i have any signal on my phone so again, i was unable to be reached upon discord & im. these next three weeks i will be busy packing up as i’m moving seven hours away from my home to live with my boyfriend but i’m gonna make it so i can get on here again because i miss everyone.

i WILL be answering discord & ims tonight & i will try and get to asks either today/tomorrow. i will also be sending some asks around to people myself because despite my absence i have been thinking of you all and missing you all a lot. unfortunately real life comes first and while it was never my intention to just disappear, i’ve been through a lot of heartbreak this past month and the last thing i wanted was to come online. at one point my computer wasn’t even switched on for an entire week. i miss hana, i miss writing and i miss creating stories with people. all i can do is apologise for me upping and leaving but i understand if people are upset and for that i am sorry. i hope everybody is doing well and have been taking care of themselves! i personally am beginning my healing process but i know it will take some time.

this all being said, i want to thank you for those who have continuously checked in despite me not answering ( i promise you now that i never intentionally ignored, i legitimately just haven’t been on ) but it genuinely means the world to me so truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart for showing your care, love and support. i’m also looking into going back to my tifa lockhart account as i miss her dearly. hana song will still be here and i will still be writing her, i just miss both the babies a lot! so if you wanted to follow/interact with her as well ( she isn’t quite revamped yet ) let me know and i will give you the url so when she is up and running once more we can interact!! all this being said, imma message people now!! i love you all so much & i can’t actually believe i haven’t lost any followers in my absence... i truly appreciate you all sticking around my potato-ness. you’re all gems!! 

[victorboullet]

Victor Boullet The Harrow The Sparrow The Sorrow, 2014 Curated by François Piron Kunstnernes Hus, Oslo, Norway

Email to François Piron, 2013 Dear Dr Piron. Sorry for the few days of absence. Busy. I’m writing this just after reading your proposal, and without thinking, just acting out what my first and initial thought is / was. They are very often the best. I must be 100% honest with myself - My life is only about me, and my work and that is all I can give you, as long as you know. And thank you for thinking of me, I am not a very curator friendly artist. (Working with one now in London, as part of my piece he is not allowed to go to his own vernissage! he accepted) The Harrow, The Sparrow, The Sorrow is the title for this work. And the digressions are part of my practice. I will not me be moulded into being understood. I reject conformism. And the art politics that I wade in everyday which are rooted in deep hypocrisy and personal positioning within the art hierarchy, I refuse to collaborate with. My first encounter with Krauss was through a very good friend of mine, a friend born in 1940, he studied Krauss, among others, in Germany. We used to email each other quotes and other things, like this. Jealousy is a dog's bark which attracts thieves. A woman who cannot be ugly is not beautiful. An idea's birth is legitimate if one has the feeling that one is catching oneself plagiarising oneself. the last quote, I’ll come back to. This friend is not a dumbhead, he’s got a proper brain, like the one I will buy in 2030 when I am old and selling out. Anyway, every

time we email, it always ends up in being rude, he loves to swear in English, French and German. He used to be a big knob in the European Union, like one of the really big ones. So, I would like to start a communication with him, without his knowing where it will end up. As both of us hate academics, just be aware! this might become a very nice piece? (emails straight onto wall, I guess, I don’t know) regarding the third quote, and what is below. ‘’Those who have nothing to say because actions are speaking continue to talk. Let him who has something to say come forward and be silent’’ ‘’artworks are sometimes an element of background, a character, a voice-over, a noise...’’ it makes me write this! I will not go into great detail now, but rather just start here with thoughts and info. My mother’s mother just died, my grandmother. We, the family Boullet, My dad, my mother and my two brothers in Oslo, have always lived in their house.(my dead Grandfather built it) My Mum has actually lived there for almost all of her 70 years. I was born and raised there and my Dad left us there, because of lack of liberty and so on. So this place bears a heavy history. At Noplace Oslo, Aug 2012, I started a very quiet approach to my own understanding of where I come from and what it means and what inheritance can do to me / us, my grandmother was alive then. I did this by showing property that carries no meaning to anybody else but me, so I had no press release, no explanation only the release of the book TIME IS THE ASSASSIN. The book contains a story about me and my brothers, that I told to a young hip artist. I talked and walked the streets of my childhood with him. The 14 years between us is also very evident in the book, the artist has no connection with my life and values, it becomes all about him and his needs i.e. I lost my story to him, which was the point. Some of the content that I showed at Noplace. Table and chairs from Scotland, my father has no space for them so they are left astray, furniture with a legacy, but no home. Childhood kitchen table belonging to a dear friend of mine. He had to throw it away because his girlfriend did not want it. Also he was a student of the artist Tor Hoff, Hoff’s wife Ida has eaten several dinners at the table. The china was from my mother’s collection, the pattern is called stråmønster, she’s been collecting for some 40 years, it all lives in the basement of the house. Never used! I own it all now. The history of the pattern is also important, has been copied by several manufacturers, I own plates from 4 different companies. Bust, made by my mother, milk crates, something I stole one night in 1991, used in my darkroom for photo chemicals. etc etc. No one knew any of this, my mission was to disappoint people that are too quick to judge, people like myself. A well known art critic came, did not even walk into the show. I would like to to reinstall this but on a slightly grander scale! I have much more, and it all gets better and more complicated. This I know will be good! My point cannot only be made with my inheritance, so here goes. Here is a text from a performance / lecture that I gave at Henie Onstad Art-center in Oslo October 2012. It was printed in the book MODERNIST MACHINE. (attached) Tor Hoff (1925 - 1976) by Victor Boullet April 19th 1976, Huitfeldts gate 17, Oslo, the artist Tor Hoff took a hammer and brutally killed his partner. He then sat himself

down on a chair at their table and wrote his will, his paintings were the first thing to be mentioned, they must be taken care of. He then signed it, TOR HOFF in large, clear letters, his final pencil marks. Then he climbed onto their window-sill and jumped eight floors down to his death. How should one view paintings, drawings and poetry produced by a man who can also commit murder and suicide? Is our understanding of Tor Hoff’s legacy and his story, influenced by our ethics and morals?

I have invited former director of Henie Onstad Kunstsenter, Per Hovdenakk, to talk about the art and life of Tor Hoff. Victor Boullet Paris 2012 Following Tor Hoff’s death his brother Arve now has to deal with his estate, it’s too XXXXXXX. Arve Hoff is XXXXXXXXX and has XXXXXXX, he is in fact XXXXXXXXX Tor Hoff’s legacy finding a place in Norwegian art history.

I would like to reinstall the HOK performance debris along with my mothers collection that I will have to deal with when she dies. Tor Hoff left over 1000 paintings if not a lot more to his brother and his first wife, Arve Hoff XXXXX. Tor’s first wife IDA, was given a few paintings. My mother is today losing her childhood home, the home she grew up in, the home where my brothers and I were brought up, all because her Mother could not deal with her testament and confrontation. All my grandmothers belongings have been shared among the hyenas and the rest thrown in a container. Tor Hoff’s work is stored in a room somewhere in Oslo for no one to see, because his brother is difficult. Also, Arve Hoff has a son, born in 1965, he is a XXXXXXX, Arve has got XXXXXX, if he XXXX, his son XXXXXXXXX, and that XXXXXX of TOR HOFF’s legacy. From the storage of Hoff’s estate I have video, images.

Password: fitte https://vimeo.com/45320109 Also another very dead and largely forgotten Norwegian artist that I love, is Synnøve Anker Aurdal, she is big, will be big, I knew her, took lots of portraits of her! When she died all her stuff was left to her daughter, she sold the house and apparently all her work is now in cardboard boxes stored at some photographers house, this is unseen work. She does not know what to do with it all. The daughter, Siri, an artist as well, is very tired, like Arve Hoff. She has to deal with everything, reproduction, storage etc. Apparently people are getting interested, so we should move quickly, I will not show her work as such. Her work is also political. But the debris of an artist’s life, the storage, the rawness that only can be seen in a black room, where one tries to forget that is exists. This is all about a private stage of remnants, the naked place where things have no value. A place we do not hope for. A place we don’t want to be identified with when living. A place where pride is rip into pieces and killed by the loved ones. And this is a silent performance. An action with content that does not shout for attention, but manifests our broken obligations in a muted manner of shame. Also, All this work is in Oslo, Norway. i.e. very low transport cost. And as part of the work, I would like my inheritance from Oslo to be transported to Paris by them / you, as part of your budget an the work we’re doing together. And install it into C/C as a solo show. This will need to be agreed on paper, to be hung on the wall or presented as part your exhibition, the transparency is very important to me. Not only exposing my thoughts, emails, art and other peoples family problems, but I need to show how the inside of a Institution works, our communication of how and wheres.

I need space, I need time, I need to feel confident, I need freedom, I need to work. and, after reading this you might regret that you invited me, I can understand that. But this is a real thought that is not connected with art or trying to be someone - this is love. It’s complicated and undefined and I need all that to survive, and I would like to do this with you.

Victor Boullet 2014, Paris