#also I’ve been on tumblr a long time I’ve never gotten an anniversary message on my main blog???

[deads-not-punk]

Thanks tumblr for the reminder - Happy 1 year to getting a weird anon hate message for posting rpf on main and then deciding to make a whole new blog where I can post even MORE about rpf :-) hehe

[before-we-get-started]

My Favorite Mistake

Pairing: Colin Shea x Reader

Word Count: 3525

Warnings:  Fluff, angst

18+ Only!

This is my first fic on Tumblr, feel free to leave comments.  I’ve read so many great stories by so many fantastic writers, I aspire to write something as entertaining as what I have the joy of reading by my favorites :)

Image by pinterest.com

“You sure you don’t want to meet us later?  We should be done with dinner by 8.”

“No thanks.”

“Y/N, you haven’t been out in weeks.  You can’t just stay in that apartment all the time.  Put on that cute black dress and meet us at Rave’s.”

You pulled the blanket up higher around your chin, making sure it covered your socked feet on the coffee table.  “It’s ok,  I really appreciate it but I’m really comfy here.  I’m gonna check out a new series on Netflix.”

Your friend sighed through the phone.  “Ok.  Call me if you need me, ok?”

“Thanks,” you said, ending the call and tucking the phone under the blanket in your lap.  It was 7:30 on a Friday night and you were alone, a pint of Ben & Jerry’s serving as dinner as you surfed the TV for something good to watch.

It had been exactly three months.  Three months since your heart was shattered, three months since you thought your world had ended, three months since you’d allowed yourself to enjoy anything.  Everyone warned you, including a few friends that had traveled the same road.  Colin was trouble.  While everyone agreed he was dangerously sexy and incredibly handsome, everyone knew that for Colin, variety was the spice of life.  He’d even told you that he tried one time to settle down with someone, and it was so painful when it ended, he would never do it again.

That didn’t stop you though.  You’d never forget the moment you’d met him – you were moving in to apartment 6C in a gorgeous, historic building in Boston.  It was your first place of your own – your folks were so proud of you and helped you get moved in.  On day 3 in your new place, your world changed.  You were stepping out your door for work when your neighbor in 6A opened the door to grab his newspaper.  He was naked but for a flowered bathroom towel that he held to keep his privacy.  He was tall and lean with defined pecs, muscular arms, spiky blonde hair and blue eyes that reminded you of the ocean.  And then he smiled, a million watts reaching across the banister to your apartment.  “Good mornin’ 6C.  I’m Colin,” he’d said in that delicious deep voice.  Somehow you’d managed to squeak out your name, trying hard to breathe and keep walking. You had to pass him to get to the stairs, trying not to trip and fall or make an idiot of yourself.

“I’m sure I’ll be seeing you around,” he said as you made your way down the stairs.

“I hope so,” you’d replied, your voice sounding stronger than you imagined.  A corner of his smile turned up and he gave you a little salute as you headed downstairs.

True to his word, he’d knocked on your door that night with a bag of Chinese food and you’d invited him in.  You played hard to get that night, even though the four beers and those blue eyes nearly broke your will.  But on Friday, when he knocked again, you didn’t even make it through the tacos he brought over. Before you knew it, you’d gone from deep kisses on the couch to your bed, where you fell asleep wrapped around  his body after hours of incredible sex. 

When the sun came up that Saturday morning, you blinked your eyes as you awoke, looking up at the most handsome face and long eyelashes you’d ever seen.  You’d kissed his cheek, then peppered his neck and shoulders with kisses, releasing him from sleep and encouraging him to take you again.  You’d wrapped your legs around him and he’d carried you into the bathroom, where you ran a hot bath and the two of you snuggled under the bubbles for an hour.  

The next few days you were inseparable.  As soon as you got home from work, he was there.  Most every night he stayed in your bed.  More than once you’d watched the glow of the sunrise on your bedroom walls as you and Colin couldn’t get enough of each other’s touch.  You’d watched some movies, binged a couple of shows, and shared the kitchen preparing some of your favorite recipes.  

You’d also talked, and talked, and talked.  You told him about your ex, the guy you thought was “the one,” even though you certainly never felt for him what you did when you were with Colin.  He told you about Allie, who had lived in your apartment before.  He’d fallen hard for her and thought maybe he should think about settling with one girl, but she’d broken it off suddenly, and later he learned she’d eloped with one of her exes.  The hurt in his eyes had been unbearable. 

That night you’d made it your quest to make him forget her – he’d called your name more than once and you’d held on to him tight, kissing him with enough passion to wipe out the sad memory of her.

There was something so thrilling about being with him.  Most of the time you didn’t have a plan, and you loved how each time with him would unfold.  You’d spent a few evenings listening to your favorite tunes on the roof of the building, dancing under the moonlight.  Colin was always working on songs for his band. He’d strum the guitar and you’d listen intently - you’d even helped him with lyrics on a few.

One night Colin texted and told you he had plans and wouldn’t be able to see you.  You’d texted back and told him to have a good night, happy to find him waiting at your door the next night after work.  A few times he’d left to spend then night at his apartment.  You’d noticed he’d checked his phone and figured he had something on his calendar for the next morning.  You’d mentioned him to your girlfriends and gotten more than one eyeroll.

“How many of you have slept with Colin?” your friend Jenny asked your friends at a bar one night.  A few raised their hands.  “I’m not stupid,” you’d responded. 

“I know he likes girls.  We’re just friends with benefits.”  The words came out, but you knew they were a lie.  You were in love with him.  Head over heels, heart and soul, forever and ever in love with him.  You were in love with a total player who made it his goal to sleep with every girl in Boston.   

And so, on the morning of the 6-month anniversary of your first evening together, the truth had reared its ugly head.  You’d spent the night before at your parents’ house after having dinner with them and had run home to get ready the next morning before heading to work so that you could bring him a gift.  You’d picked up his favorite cannolis from the local bakery.  You knew he was probably still asleep so you hung the bag on his door and texted him to check when he woke up.  As you left for work, you heard a giggle across the hall. A girl opened Colin’s door and peeked around the edge, grabbing the bag of cannolis from the doorknob.  You heard his laughter behind her as she closed the door.

You froze.  You couldn’t catch your breath.  Your knees were weak.  Tears burned at your eyes.  The next few moments were a blur.  You marched over to his door and knocked softly.  You heard a rustle, then he was there, bare chested, wearing your favorite ripped jeans.  

“I hope you two enjoy your breakfast.  I’m glad I went out of my way to bring it to you on a day that at least means something to me.”  You turned on your heel and rushed down the stairs, ignoring him calling your name. You’d broken down on the train, dabbing at the tears to try and save your makeup.  The older lady next to you patted your arm as you pulled yourself together.

Your phone had dinged all day.  Text after text from him, none of which you read. You were upset, but mostly mad at yourself.  It was your own fault.  He had told you himself that monogamy wasn’t his thing.  But it had been impossible not to believe he felt something for you every time the two of you came together.  The way he looked in your eyes, the way he held you so close, the way the two of you were entangled for hours on end.  Could it really not be more than just sex?  

That night you’d stayed with a friend, leaving from her house the next morning for work.  You’d left work early and slipped into your apartment in the afternoon, changing into his t-shirt and climbing into bed.  You’d slept through to the morning, trudging in for another day at work.  You couldn’t help but wonder what was happening behind his apartment door.  It was unbearable to think of him holding someone else, kissing them the way he kissed you.  

For weeks, you’d managed to avoid seeing him.  More than once you’d heard him come home, then heard a soft knock at your door, but you didn’t answer.  There were so many text messages.  “Good morning Y/N.  Hope your day is good.”  “Good night, sweet dreams.”  Worst of all, lots of “I miss you” texts that made you want to open the door the next time he knocked.  

You wanted to see him again.  You wanted to just accept that you’d take what you got from him and be happy with it.  But knowing that you might be his Thursday and another girl would be his Friday was just too hard.  How could he kiss you in that spot on your throat that drove you crazy, and then do the same thing for someone else?  How could something so intimate not mean more to him?  

So for three months, you’d been miserable.  Friends had tried to set you up on a couple of blind dates, your mom had even tried to introduce you to one of your dad’s associates, but you just weren’t ready.  And now you were sitting home on a Friday night, wrapped up in frumpy sweats and a blanket, feeling sorry for yourself.  

You didn’t know exactly what got into you but you threw the blanket off and headed for the bathroom.  You peeled out of the sweats, turned on the curling iron and grabbed your makeup bag.  In 20 minutes you’d pulled on your favorite little black dress, applied makeup for an evening out, curled your hair and grabbed your beaded clutch.  You slipped on your strappy high heels and headed for the door. You’d text your friend and let her know you’d be at Rave’s to meet them.

As you opened the door, you stopped cold.  Colin was in front of you.  He had on gray slacks and a pale blue button up shirt, the first three buttons open.  His hair was styled, the thin silver chain of his necklace and the tattoo on his chest peeking out from his shirt.  His ocean blue eyes lit up when he saw you.  He held a bouquet of roses in his hand.  You smelled the musky scent you loved so much.

“Hey,” he said shyly.  “You look amazing.”  He licked his lips as he looked you up and down.

You went from startled to smug in a few seconds.  “I’m on my way out,” you said.  “Meeting some friends tonight.  Mind moving out of my way?”  

He hesitated but stepped aside.  You brushed past him, looking over your shoulder at him as you rounded the banister.

“Y/N, I really want to talk to you.”

“Not tonight,” you said confidently, descending the stairs.

The club was rocking when you got there and the girls were all glad to see you.  You took advantage of all the free drinks they were supplying and did your share of dancing, including a couple of slow dances with hot guys that were knocking each other over to flirt with you.  When one asked to walk you to your Uber, you agreed, and took him up on making the ride to your apartment.

He’d taken your hand as you ascended the stairs to the 6th floor, chatting and laughing all the way up.  You fished in your clutch for your keys when you heard the door behind you open.  Your escort put his hand at the small of your back and pulled you in for a kiss just as Colin peered out.  You opened your eyes just as he started to close his door.  You saw that sadness, the same sadness you’d seen when he’d told you about his broken heart.

Your escort started to turn the key but you stopped him.  You thanked him for walking you up but said you needed to call it a night.  He gave you another kiss and you exchanged phone numbers, then he headed down the stairs.

You let out a huge sigh as you stared at 6A.  You thought the night out would help extinguish the fire but it continued to rage inside you.  You walked over and gently knocked.  You held your breath as you watched the door knob turn.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Can I come in?”

He pulled the door open a bit more so you could step in.  He stood still, looking down at his feet.  You pushed the door closed.

“Why were you dressed up tonight?”

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans.  “I had a date.”

You felt your heart sink a little.  “Oh.  How’d it go?”

“I don’t know.”

You cocked your head a little.  “You don’t know?”

“Nope.”

You shook your head a little.  “Why don’t you know?”

“Didn’t happen.”

You blew out a sigh, a little frustrated.  “You had a date, but you didn’t have a date.”

“Right.”

“Ok,” you said.  Maybe it was a mistake coming over.  You turned towards the door.  “Well, sorry to bother you, just thought I’d say hi.”

“Don’t you want to know why it didn’t happen?”

You sighed.  “Sure, I’ll bite.   Why didn’t it happen?”

He stepped toward you, then put his hands on the small of your back, pulling you closer.  “I went to ask her and she was on her way out.”

You pulled your bottom lip between your teeth and looked into those ocean blues.  “Where’d she go?”

“I don’t know,” he said gruffly, “but she didn’t come home alone.”

“Hmm,” you hummed, “wonder if he likes cannolis?”

He looked down for a minute, something flashing across his face. Guilt, maybe? To his credit, he met your eyes again.  “I’m sorry.”

You’d hoped to hear those words for so long.  You hoped he’d at least acknowledge that he’d hurt you.

“I was an ass.  Easily the most asshole thing I’ve ever done. And that’s saying a lot.  I’m sorry.”

You let out a quiet chuckle.  “Definitely a move that will get you in the Asshole Hall of Fame.”

It was his turn to laugh and he met your eyes again.  “I was scared,” he said.

“Scared?  Scared of what?”

“Of us,” he said.

Your eyebrows scrunched in surprise.  “What do you mean?”

He let out a huff of air and squeezed your hips a little tighter. “You and I, we were really good. I got so used to being with you. Everything about you made me happy. And I got scared.  I tried feeling that way before and it broke me.  I had to put some space between us.”

“So you let some bimbo eat our anniversary cannolis?”

He laughed a little, dropping his head and shaking it. “Yeah.  I know.  I’m a shit.”

“Yep,” you said, popping the ‘p’ loudly.

“I tried to talk to you.  Tried to apologize.  I texted, came over a few times.  It was clear you weren’t interested in hearing what I had to say.  So tonight I decided to step it up.”

 You felt tears burn at your eyes.  You wanted to stay strong and blinked them away.  “I did something incredibly stupid,” you said.

 “Yeah?”

 “Yeah.  I fell in love with you.  Even though everyone told me and everything inside me knew I shouldn’t, I did.  All of those times being with you,” you said, your eyes glistening with tears.  “All of those kisses, all of those touches, they meant something to me.  More than just hooking up.  I let myself believe they meant something to you too,” you said.

“They did,” he said softly in that deep, sexy voice.  He lifted a hand to your face, cupping your chin and gently touching his lips to yours.  You closed your eyes, soaking in the feeling.  You pressed your hands to his chest.  He deepened the kiss and you instinctively let your hands slide up  his neck, burying your fingers in the hair there, pulling it a little between your fingers.  A soft moan escaped him as he pressed his body closer to yours.  He dropped his hand to your hips again, pulling you so close you could feel him through his jeans.

Sirens sounded in your brain.  You were letting yourself fall down this hole again. You knew how hard it had been to climb out.  You gently pulled out of the kiss, licking your lips and rubbing the tip of your nose on his.

“I can’t,” you said, a tear escaping your eye.

He pressed his forehead to yours, pulling his hand behind your head and caressing your soft hair.  “Y/N.”

There was no sound like that of your name on his lips.  It was like music.  You felt yourself shiver as you fought with everything you had not to melt into him.

“I want more than you do.  It’s too hard.  It’s not your fault, it’s just how it is.  This – hurts,” you said, a soft sob escaping.  

“I want it too.”

You felt a sad smile cross your lips.  “Not like I do Colin.  I want all of you. Everything. I don’t want to share.  I don’t want you to touch anyone else.”  You gently ran your hands up his chest.  “I don’t want you to kiss anyone else,” you said as you pressed your lips to his.  “I don’t want you to find that special place on anyone else,” you said, pressing your lips to that place on his neck that drove him wild.  He growled deep in his throat, encircling your waist with his arms.  

“Y/N,” he breathed.

 “It’s ok,” you said sadly.  “I was lucky to have you while I did.  Most people don’t get to feel what I felt with you.”  You ran the backs of two fingers down his cheek, letting yourself dive into those eyes.  Every inch of you felt warm.

“What if –“ he started, then hesitated.  “What if we start again.  And I don’t fuck up this time.”

You let out a low laugh.  “You’d just be setting us up for failure.  It’s ok Colin.  I don’t –“

His fingers circled your wrists and he covered your lips with his. “It’s not ok.  I hurt you.”  He kissed you again, this time a little deeper.  “It took me seeing you with someone else to really get it.  I’ve missed you so much.  But seeing you tonight – I just ache.  Please tell me we can try again.”  He smothered your mouth with his, sucking gently on your bottom lip. “Please Y/N.”

You tried taking a breath but it caught in your throat, your heart beating wildly. You’d be a fool to do this again, put yourself out there for more.  How did that saying go, insanity was doing the same thing over again and expecting a different result?

“Colin –“

“I love you.”

You blinked at him, certain you’d just imagined it.  “What?”

He smiled, that smile that could light up the entire city.  He gently pushed a piece of hair behind your ear and let his fingers linger on your earlobe.  “I,” he said, kissing the tip of your nose.  “Love,” he said, pressing his lips to the apple of your cheek. “You,” he said, locking onto your eyes with his, then gently kissing your lips.  “I love us.”

You leaned into him, burying your face into the side of his neck, wrapping your arms around him.  “I’m afraid.”

He pulled you to him, stroking your hair, a hand at your lower back. “I know baby,” he said.  He pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “It’s ok.  I’ve got you.”

You let yourself melt into him more.  You wanted to believe him.  You wanted to let go.  “What if – what if you get scared again?  What if I’m not what you really want?  What if you wake up one morning and look at me and realize I’m a mistake?”

You felt his chest rumble with a little laugh.  “Trust me baby, you’re my favorite mistake.”  He pulled back and kissed you, and you let yourself melt into the love of your life.

[jimlingss]

just a few last messages I wanted to answer!!

Anonymous asked: Can we all follow you on Twitter or something? Or are you not comfortable with that👉👈

Unfortunately I’m not very active on twitter, anon!! or on any other platform haha

taeguccibracelet asked: Sup queen, just dropping by off anon real quick, unfortunately I couldn't read your last fic yet, thanks to finals 😪 I wish I was like those people who were sharing their favorite fics of yours, and when they started following you, but I just don't remember when I started reading your stuff, and I can't choose a favorite bc all your fics are amazing! Long story short, you're an incredibly talented writer, I'm sad that you're leaving but I do understand why, I wish you all the best 💜

hey you don’t need to remember the ‘when’, what matters is that you are here :> so thank you. I hope you enjoy the end. whenever you get to it :> and thank you so much!!

Anonymous asked: ahhh i found out you were leaving and i hope it’s not too late 😭 i just wanted to stop by and say thank you for all your writings!!! i remember first finding you through the for love and money series back in the days. hope you are well, healthy and happy and i wish you all the best 💜

joonie-mono asked: jgkggkfkgkgkgkgkgk I know this is probably you’re 1000th goodbye message but 🥺 I’m really gonna miss you 😭 your blog was one of the first I ever followed on tumblr, and your fics have gotten me through some really hard times. The truth between us literally made me cry, uhhhh boo-lieve in me, KALE IN ME SOFTLY (for some reason that one has a special place in my heart), jungle park 🙄✋ duh, also love so shallow, moirai and his name (that one made me sob ngl) BUT THE GIST IS GOGLGLGFLL thank you for writing such amazing fics, I hope the future treats you well- and I’ll be reading through your master list like crazy 😭 mWAH <3

Anonymous asked: I can't believe that it's finally 23rd of June (at least here), I remembered the end. where reader was dreading this day and I realized once more that days do fly without realizing. I'm so glad you gave us the end, it definitely is a masterpiece and it sums up perfectly this blog and you, I already have fond memories of reading it and loving it and the connection you made between you leaving and your last fic makes things more touching and emotional 🥺 thank you Kina and happy anniversary(probably I'm late so idk if you answer this but I just wanted to send this)

spillthetaesissy asked: Kina!! I've been a marked anon for a while now, but I wanted to say goodbye without it. Honestly, I love everything you have put out! From the first thing I read, to the last. The Worshiper series is a personal favourite of mine, as well as Moirai, and The End was really really good too! I hope health and happiness follows you into the next chapter of your life (no pun intended). You will be dearly missed on tumblr!P.S. if you ever get back into posting writing, fanfic or otherwise, you should let us tumblr fans know 👀 I would love to support a full publish!

Anonymous asked: hello love!! i wish you all the best in the future. you and your works have made my days so much brighter ever since i found you in 2018! i hope you’ll still come back sometime in the future, because i would love to hear how things are going for you!!!! good luck out there love!!!!!

Anonymous asked: hi bb!! i hope u have a wonderful, happy life ahead of u. ur stories have given me so many countless hours of respite from the world around me, and for that i'll always be thankful to u!! i remember reading ur fics and wondering if i would ever be able to create a voice as strong, as special, as urs. the sentiment still remains- you are and will always be one of the best writers i've had the pleasure to come across. i'm happy u chose to share ur works with all of us, and that u chose to base it around the boys- this might sound cheesy, but i love how you characterise all of them, it has made me appreciate them more. anyway, we have never interacted, and i dont know u personally, but i'll miss u!! stay blessed, thank u for everything once again!!

Thank you, everyone!! and Happy Anniversary!!! :D

[crushpdf]

Welcome to Beth’s End-of-Year-1k-Followers-10-Year-Anniversary-Celebration!

There have been a few people who have tagged me in some lovely posts naming the twenty blogs they’re thankful for this year. I also hit 1k followers earlier this month, and I’ve been on this site for a decade now. All of which means - it’s time for a serious Follow Forever.

To those of you who have been such bright spots in my life this year: thank you for the messages, for the likes on my personal posts, for the wild fandom shenanigans that make me laugh.

To those of you who have been here since the beginning - well, more on that after the list. Italics have been mutuals for 5+ years.

To the mutuals not on this list: I haven’t gotten to know you yet, and I’d like to! Also, I only listed 20.

Bianca @betterbeehufflepuff | Cari @youreyesarelikestarlightnow | Eden @edenlikethegardenduh | Elle @dameferre | Ellen @dumbledearlovesfizzingwhizbees | Holly @violetreddie | @iamafirebrand | Ive @ivejardim | Kaleigh @melchiorgabor | KK @stamatis | Lauren @xavierddolan | Lauren @youlovewhoyoulove | Laurine @peoniesandsmiles | Maddy @halflingkima | Maria @sunflowremoji | Mel @thatgeekyhuman | Olivia @thenwewilldance | Pippin @tommyspeck​ | Sophie @never-landia | @technicolorclifford

There are also a handful of people who follow me whose URLs I always recognize and love to see in my activity feed. Although I may not follow you because our interests just don’t align, I see you and I love you and I appreciate having you in my online community.

To the italics: for some of you, we may not interact much anymore, but through URL changes and fandom changes we haven’t broken the chain yet. I’m a big believer in the butterfly effect and the general concept that every single little moment affects our lives in immeasurable ways. So even though the words in each message you sent my way are now long forgotten, even though reblogs and likes are nothing much in the grand scheme of life - you were important in mine. Because when I started this blog I was stuck in the wrong community, feeling alone and lost and confused. And all of those meaningless interactions we had were just proof to past-me that there were people out there in the world who shared my interests, shared my beliefs. I know it sounds stupid, but the fact of your existence in my life (again, Butterfly Effect) was a facet in who I am today.

Tumblr may be cringe but I have always believed in the power of community and I’ve been lucky to have had such a positive experience on this website because of the people in my community tagged above! I’ve learned so much about myself and life and art and music and more from you, so thank you and happy holidays ❤️

[marcilled]

5 years

It was 5 years ago today that a humble little minecraft server first opened its gates. 5 years ago, I started @quixol​ with a team of 8 friends. Today, only 4 of those original friends are still on our Staff team, and the server is a shadow of its former self.

There’s a lot I could talk about with Quixol, but before I get into it, I just want it to be known that this is a highly personal post from me. This isn’t an official announcement, but seeing as I’m an admin, it’s definitely of pertinence if you are someone who is a part of the Quixol community.

If you’re new to following me, or just don’t know what I’m talking about: Quixol is a trans-friendly minecraft server started by me and a few pals back on November 16, 2015. It’s primarily populated by folks from here on Tumblr, and is an LGBT+ only community. Over its 5 years, it’s gotten over 1600 unique players. And... Well, there’s a lot of history that took place during and after that, I can’t hope to summarize it here. You can see more on the about page on our blog.

So, yeah. Today is the 5-year anniversary of Quixol. Pretty big deal! And... we have nothing in store for today to celebrate that huge milestone. Pretty big bummer. The prior 4 years, the anniversary was the single biggest celebration of the year. We typically tried to schedule large server updates to coincide with the anniversary, just to make it feel that much more special. So, on the day that marks a whole half-decade of being online, why do we have no plans? It’s a long, complicated story. I’ll only be able to tell you my side of it. Everything written below is from my perspective, and doesn’t necessarily reflect how others think or feel.

Regardless of the lonely feeling on the server now, I just want to say, I’m really glad I could host such a fantastic community for so many years. Thank you everyone who has made the past half decade so special.

Long retrospective below (plus, discussion about Quixol’s future):

-----

Where to begin... All I can say at the start here is, don’t expect anything coherent, I typed this up while sleep deprived just the night before posting this, without much forethought of what I’d say in it. I just feel I need to get these feelings off my chest before I can mentally move on, you know.

Before I delve into this, I just want to put this sort of disclaimer at the top here: Despite how gloomy I make things sound throughout this post, Quixol is and was an amazing place, that I’m so glad to say I got to play such a pivotal role in. I wouldn’t trade my time here for anything. It’s been an honor to serve as an Admin over such an incredible community. I’ve seen countless new friendships forged, plenty of laughs and fun times to be had... I’ve even known several couples that met through their time on Quixol, I’ve known several people that came out or discovered more about their identity/gender/sexuality while on Quixol. It’s a great community, despite its flaws, and what we did over these past 5 years is nothing short of spectacular. I’m forever thankful for everyone who helped make this place as special as it is- you’ve all been such great friends. Thank you.

While I may speak a great deal about some of the lowest lows that happened on Quixol, you better believe it had some of the highest highs as well. Keep that in mind, so you know why I’m spending this much time and effort to commemorate this server that I’ve called home for so long.

I’ll start here with a rough timeline of Quixol... I’ll even include some screenshots for you all.

Old World (Nov. 2015 - Mar. 2017, mc 1.8 - 1.9)

Quixol began back in 2015 like I mentioned- whitelisted at first, but moved on to being unwhitelisted at a later date (I believe it was summer of 2016). Hundreds of people joined after the whitelist was removed, in just the first month or so. We owe that initial success to how much our blog post about the server got shared around, it served as a nice advertisement for the server. It was only posted to tumblr, so everybody who joined then was from the same sort of social sphere of 2016 tumblr. It was pretty lively, and we made lots of friends very quickly. A lot never logged in again after the first initial burst, but a fair amount stuck around.

The server started on minecraft version 1.8, which was before the end update that introduced elytra & all the controversial combat changes. Most people never even saw the server on this version, though, since it was still whitelisted when we updated to 1.9. The world we used back in 2015-2016 eventually got deleted at a later date, however we did provide an archive of this old world to download, it’s... somewhere on our blog, you can go find it if you poke around a bit. (Assuming the download hasn’t been removed from the website I uploaded it to, which would make sense since it’s just 20 gb sitting on some server doing nothing).

While there was plenty of merriment, there was also the fair share of drama. I can’t even hope to recall all the drama that happened in 2016, but one of our og mods got banned completely after the rest of the staff sort of woke up to the realization they were incredibly abusive. There’s lots of other stuff that happened then- I wish I could tell the “full tale” as it were, but it would be so long-winded that almost nobody would bother to read. Plus, my memory isn’t very good, so I would need to dig through old blog posts, discord messages, screenshots, etc etc to jog my memory... way too much work.

Protos (Mar. 2017 - Nov. 2018, mc 1.11 - 1.12)

2017 came around, and that’s when we updated the server to 1.11 and created a new world (Protos). That update happened on March 26, 2017- I remember because march 26th is my birthday, and the other staff made a cute little celebration for me on that day and I literally cried from how happy I was. It was the nicest thing anyone’s done for me in a long time. (God, I miss those times.)

A lot more happened during this time period, and honestly I’d consider the period in which Protos was our main, active world to be the most consistently active the server has ever been. It wasn’t always exploding with activity, but the people who joined and played during this time were consistent. And we had a relatively consistent influx of new players.

There was a lot more drama that happened during this time... More staff members left, mostly of their own accord (but never on a wholly positive note). Drama amongst some of the veteran/long-time players, arguments over how to interpret and enforce our rules.

Regardless of the troubles, I’d say this period was overall quite positive for Quixol. We even brought in our first batch of new staff members during this period.

Ghalea (Nov. 2018 - Present, mc 1.13 - 1.15)

I believe late 2018 was when we updated the server from 1.12 to 1.13. We rushed the update to this version quite a lot, which was a shame since it ensured the server had an egregious amount of bugs to work out, and lots of missing plugins/functionality. With this update, we made another new world (and, our current main world): Ghalea.

Regardless of buggy behavior, we managed to hit what I believe is the all-time peak concurrent player count we have ever gotten, which is something like 54-56 players playing at the same time. The server chugged so hard, I’m surprised it didn’t crash. All of those parties were so stressful to put on, but at the same time, incredibly fun and fulfilling to see when lots of people showed up and had a good time.

Funny, though: despite the success of the server, 2018 and early 2019 are the closest the server has ever gotten to absolutely tearing itself apart from internal staff drama. By early-mid 2019, several staff members ended up getting banned one after the other. So that left us with very few staff by that point (only 6 active staff, myself included, if I remember correctly).

2019 should have been a great year for Quixol, seeing as it was what many people referred to as the “minecraft renaissance”, “the great minecraft revival”, etc etc etc. However, the drama amongst the staff, coupled with drama in our personal lives, and just an all around lack of staff members to kick things into gear, resulted in a pretty lackluster year compared to the previous 4 years.

Despite all of that, we worked tirelessly to complete our greatest project yet, Chroma Park, just before our 4th anniversary on Nov 16th, 2019. It took a whole team of builders to complete, and several months in preparation/building.

With such a grand project completed, you would expect it would result in a flurry of new activity on the server... unfortunately, it ended up being almost the opposite. Because we called upon our “build team” to help with it, (several talented veteran players who volunteered their building skills), nearly all of our active players suffered some serious burnout after the major project they just completed. Lots of people just weren’t feelin’ up to minecraft anymore... And, that spelled the beginning of the end, really.

The culmination of this was that, going into 2020, activity on the server just... plummeted. Then, we all know what a shit year 2020 turned into. That just furthered feelings of burnout. I made another personal post about this, back in April- explaining why I had been relatively absent from the server for a while. It goes into more detail about the “hiatus” at that time, what caused it, why it continued so long, and how my personal feelings were at that time. Give it a read if you want. It even goes more in-depth about some of Quixol’s former staff, and how toxic behavior from them may have negatively impacted the community (especially in 2018-2019).

So, basically nothing has happened on Quixol in 2020... I took the time to update the server from 1.14 to 1.15 back in July, just so that the server was on a more stable version of minecraft- but all the effort poured into that resulted in basically nothing happening. Barely anyone even noticed, because it was such a minor update focusing on bug fixes. I hoped it would get the ball rolling again, but it just wasn’t enough.

While I wasn’t ready to throw in the towel just yet, I decided it was for the best if I put any plans on the backburner for a while, and focus more attention on building infrastructure back up again. I spent some time researching sysadmin stuff, and looking into upgrading my PC. I set up a new discord bot that we’re currently using on Quixol, & have in a few other discord servers I’m active in.

Then, I got tossed one of the most difficult months of my life in a long time pretty recently. It’s very recent/fresh, but suffice it to say, a decent chunk of what made it such a horrible month was related to drama within the Quixol friend group, particularly... me being a shitty friend. I made another post about this a while back, but I won’t link it since it’s a bit vague and not super relevant to what I’m talking about here. Just know, September this year pretty much demolished any feelings of hope I had for continuing work on Quixol.

So, that leads us to... Today. The 5th anniversary of Quixol.

Where did it all go wrong?

Now that I’ve laid out as quick a summary of the past 5 years as I could, I want to talk about some of the mistakes we made along the way. The people that made Quixol what it is, and how that history always seems to tie me down.

To tell you the truth, saying that “it all went wrong” sounds horribly pessimistic to me. Sure, I felt pessimistic going into writing this, but... Just looking back on everything we’ve accomplished, there’s never really a point where it “went wrong”. Moreso, Quixol has had its fair share of flaws baked in from the very beginning. But, perhaps those flaws are what made it what it really is. I can’t go back and change the past, and neither can you. Perhaps the best we can do is just accept Quixol for what it is, and acknowledge its shortcomings while allowing ourselves to feel happy about the good memories we do have.

While I’m not going to cast away every pleasant memory I have of Quixol, I must admit I find so many of them tainted and forever changed, just because of how many people entered this community, made their stay known, then left or were cast away on a sour note. There are countless people that were a huge part of Quixol, of my life, my friends, that I don’t speak to anymore. People that hate me. Maybe even some that I hate.

If I go back and think fondly of those times, I remember how the people in those memories largely don’t think fondly of me anymore. I remember all of my mistakes, all of the ways I could have avoided that outcome. All the ways I could have worked with those friends, to work out our differences, to just fucking communicate. Sure... some of those friends, there was nothing I could do for them. Nothing I could do to make things work. But, all the same... it stings, thinking of everyone I used to know. Not knowing who is still a friend, or who simply has no need for me anymore...

So much of Quixol’s history is tied up in knots this way. Complicated webs of emotion, suffocating in the tethers to its past. So many things built on the server, just wasting away, never to be touched again... New players won’t even know it. They don’t know, can’t know the history behind those blocks that were placed. It sounds a bit silly talking about it this way, but that’s how it feels to me. There’s real history behind each of these blocks, all of the little farms and structures and silly signs. So much of it, nobody even knows. But it wears on my heart, knowing all of that history, and feeling so disconnected from it. Feeling cast away by the people who forged those memories.

It’s a disconnect that’s always hurt, to me. Maybe I’m just too sentimental, nostalgic. Maybe I cling to the past too much. But it feels impossible to ignore... So much of what made Quixol what it is today was left there by people who want nothing to do with me, us, anymore. What does that say about Quixol? About me...? About our group?

There’s a lot I could say about this, but it’s stuff I’ve mentioned before. I hang on too tightly to the past, and am often too critical of my own mistakes. But, sometimes the past is just the way it is, and there’s not much that can be done about it. Regardless, I find myself feeling regrets about every little thing that went wrong, and thinking about where all those people are now... Maybe one of them is even reading this right now. If you’re out there, hey. We can still talk. I’m not going to hold a grudge on you forever. It’s ok.

My influence

Since Quixol began in 2015, I’ve tried my best to be nothing more than an “Admin” of Quixol... not the “owner” or “lead admin” or “founder”, just “admin”. I hoped I could encourage the other admins to be leaders in their own rights. While each of the admins we’ve had has been great leaders in their own respect, I feel that every one of them has been, unfortunately, tied down by my influence to some extent.

In most aspects of life, I’m a very timid, indecisive person. I’m incredibly anxious, and lack confidence to a worrying degree. However, a different side of me can be seen in the safe, comfortable environment that Quixol provided for me. Surrounded by friends and people who I felt really got me, I became comfortable enough to show some level of confidence in myself... In all honesty, for a long time, I was never able to recognize this self confidence for what it was. I really was not, and mostly still am not, used to feeling confident in myself or my own abilities. Like, at all. So when I actually feel good about myself, like I actually know what I’m doing... Well, for a really long time, I didn’t even process it as such. I just felt like I knew the right answers, and that was it.

On Quixol, this often manifested in a specific way... Being proud of my own knowledge & skills with minecraft, I would insert myself into any discussion about Minecraft, the server, or just anywhere I could, and offer up my knowledge, opinions & help. This hardly sounds like a problem, but... The problem was just in my unwavering presence. I was everywhere on Quixol, you couldn’t escape me. I dominated the space with my presence. Not that I interrupted people (usually...?), I just would try to put myself anywhere a conversation was happening, assuming it was, like, appropriate for me to do so on some level.

Whenever I chimed in with my thoughts, eventually there became this sort of air of almost... superiority about it. This feeling that my word was “final”, or that I had some layer of expertise on everything, and that if I said what you said was right, that was a pretty good indicator you were on the right track. I didn’t pretend like I was infallible, and I don’t think anyone ever saw me as that. But the perception was generally that if Vivian says it, that holds weight to it. Perhaps this is somewhat unavoidable of a staff member, but... it was this way even amongst the staff.

I never really realized that I was creating this environment within the community, because it happened rather slowly. But as things moved along, other staff began to pick up on this (perhaps subconsciously). Including even the other admins. Quickly, my own insistence on doing things a Specific Way, became “the Right Way” to do things on Quixol... Whether I intended it or not.

Now, this is something I didn’t know until quite recently, but I actually have OCD (undiagnosed, but it’s glaringly obvious to me at this point). My ocd comes out in minecraft, and specifically Quixol, quite a lot. I have very ritualistic ways of doing things, whether it be while building a project in-game, to managing specific parts of the server- we have a very detailed format in which update logs are written, and I have very specific rituals related to updating plugins on the server, taking backups, etc. Even just the way I play survival minecraft has sorts of rituals in a way, like specific patterns in which I place torches. I’m not too educated on ocd, so excuse me if I’m using some terminology of this wrong, or if I’m spreading some sort of misinformation about it. This is just my experience.

Anyhow, with the extremely regimented way I manage things on the server, coupled with my constant presence in things, you can understand how this might lead to other admins, who have their own mental illness issues, to become very averse to doing a lot of admin-related duties. After months and months, years, even, of this sort of stuff... and... yeah. That leads to where we are now.

With my selfish behavior in the past, I’ve unintentionally created this staff environment where people are reluctant to make their own decisions, show their own creativity, etc. And that must feel incredibly frustrating if you actually want to do something to make a difference on Quixol...

I’m not even accounting for all the times I’ve butted heads with the other staff before, either. While much less frequent, I’ve definitely had arguments with folks in the past. And with the great amount of influence I hold over the server, it takes a lot of courage to stand up to what I say.

I’ve always resented that I hold this position of power over everyone else, and tried many times to address it. However, I don’t think I ever quite had a full picture of why things were this way. Now, I think I understand it better. Sadly, it feels too little, too late to make any significant changes without uprooting pretty much everything we have set in place already. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe I’m being too pessimistic here... But, this is how I feel at the present moment.

I’m sincerely sorry to any current or former staff members, who have wanted to do something great for Quixol, but felt they could never convince me to go through with your idea... Or who felt pushed away from doing something they otherwise would’ve liked to, just because the attitude I gave, the environment my presence created, made you feel like you weren’t good enough or qualified enough to do it. You are good enough. I’m so sorry that my actions made you convinced otherwise...

I will say, this sort of mindset of mine, that I have to be the Most Right about anything relating to minecraft, or any hyperfixation/special interest of mine, has caused problems elsewhere, too. I talked about this in another post I made. I’ve only really come to realize all this stuff within the past few months, but I’ve been a really terrible friend to a lot of people. I never even realized until recently just how often I struggle with empathy, and how that’s colored so many of my friendships. Needless to say, it’s affected things on Quixol before, sometimes without me even realizing it.

My influence over the community also means if anybody’s relations with me in particular ever become marred, it must inevitably result in them leaving the community because there’s simply no escaping me. There’s not really anything I can do about this, though, aside from doing whatever I can to become a kinder, more

I’m far from a perfect person, and my imperfections seeped into so much of what made Quixol what it is. However, it’d be silly to suggest that I’m the singular reason that Quixol is flawed, if anything, that would be another form of arrogance- assuming that I singlehandedly shaped the way Quixol took form. No, it was always a team effort, and every single staff and community member held great influence of their own.

The Future

This part is probably why many of you clicked on this post... You want to know what’s going to happen to Quixol. You likely noticed I’ve been referring to Quixol in the past tense a lot in this post. Honestly, I’m not sure why I did that, it just felt the most natural to type it that way. But, I will be honest- the future of Quixol right now isn’t looking very bright.

This is a personal post, so I don’t want to deliver any sort of formal announcement about plans for Quixol here, especially since I haven’t run this post by the other staff before posting it.

For the past 2 and a half months, I’ve been taking a very long break from Quixol. Much greater than any previous break of mine... I’ve neglected to even log in for weeks at a time. I still keep an eye on the discord server, and check the mc <-> discord bridge channel to see which players have been logging in. But I have little to no motivation to play, even just casually.

While I’d love to give you some fun cool news about how this hiatus is ending soon and I have a million and one projects planned, that simply isn’t the case. I’ve gotten to this point where I’m rethinking everything about myself, who I am, and what I’m doing with my life. Surely, I can’t dedicate all my time and energy to running a minecraft server for the rest of my life, even though I do care deeply about this community. But at the same time, it’s not really my call to shut down Quixol, and I’d hate to pull the plug just because of my own lack of motivation.

So, for the time being at least, you can probably consider Quixol to be on a sort of “indefinite hiatus”. I am generally the one to update plugins, do major server updates, etc., and I likely won’t be doing any of that any time soon. I fully entrust the other staff to handle that stuff if they really want to, and I’ve expressed that to them already. But as things stand, nobody else seems to want to pick up the torch right now. Shit is rough for pretty much everyone, and we’re all equally burnt out. We’ve all grown up quite a lot since Quixol began, too. So... Don’t expect anything anytime soon.

If there are any updates, they’ll come in our Discord server first.

As for me, personally... I just need time away from all of this. It’s clearer than ever to me that I have a lot of personal problems I need to work on, and I think that the cozy safe environment provided by Quixol didn’t challenge me enough to really address those issues. I need time to focus on myself & my own growth. At the same time, I also feel like I need more experience being a part of a team, instead of just running the show. I’m not getting the kind of enrichment I need from running Quixol, so I’m trying to turn my attention elsewhere.

I’m doing this not because I want to abandon you guys, or because I feel like I want/need to move on from this community. It’s just... Something I need to do, for myself. And I’ll still be around, I’m still gonna be posting to my tumblr & twitter and stuff, and you can still reach me on discord. I’m just focusing my time elsewhere for once.

What does that mean for the future of Quixol? I don’t really know yet. But, for now, it’s not going anywhere. It’s just... also not changing anytime soon. Not even a little bit. I’m sorry to give you this disappointing news, but I hope you all understand.

I miss the good times on Quixol, too. I really do. Maybe we can share them again sometime? Who knows...

For now, that’s all.

It breaks my heart that we don’t have anything glitzy and glamorous to do to celebrate Quixol’s 5th anniversary... But it would be asking far too much of the staff to set anything like that up right now. Maybe we can have some sort of celebration later...? I dunno.

I hope you’re all staying safe & healthy out there. Thank you so much for reading this. I love all of you.

Happy birthday, Quixol.

[takadasaiko]

Ooooh M+O for LoVe please? 👀

Done and done! 😆

FFN II AO3

Summary: When the tabloids start hounding Logan over an interview for the 35th anniversary of the movie that made his father famous it stirs up some bad memories in the Mars-Echolls household.

Tumblr Prompt: M+O Panic attack + "I'm not leaving you like this"

Nightmares

Veronica hadn't been able to reach her boyfriend all afternoon, which wasn't entirely abnormal. It was a Saturday so Logan didn't have to be down in San Diego and, since she was deep in a case, there was a good chance he was catching a few waves with Dick. The only thing that made her pause was that it rolled straight to voicemail, but as Mac tapped on her office door to announce she'd found what they were looking for, it had been shoved to the back of her mind.

She had tried calling him again as the day was wrapping up to see if he wanted her to pick up dinner on the way home, but it rolled immediately to:

"This is Logan. It was Albert Einstein that said life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving. I'm out keeping my balance. Leave a message or don't. Your call."

Okay. Usually he wasn't that hard to reach when his feet were on solid ground. Maybe surfing had turned into video games and his phone battery had died. Reasonable enough. If so, he was in for leftover pizza when he got back.

And yet she found his car parked on the street outside of their apartment, so he wasn't at Dick's new digs at the Neptune Grande. That meant his phone was intentionally off, which didn't make sense. Even though he wasn't working most weekends, he needed to be reachable.

Veronica played over the possibilities as she climbed the three flights up to their apartment and took notice of his surfboard leaning against the railing of their patio and Pony's leash hanging on the nail at the front door. As she opened the door, the sharp sound of artillery fire greeted her from their television and she found Logan on the couch with a game controller in hand. "Hey," she shouted over the noise, dropping to one knee as an excitable puppy started climbing her leg.

"Hey," he echoed without looking around, the single word hollow, but she thought he might have turned the sound down a little.

She shot Pony a questioning look, but the puppy just licked her hand before she stood again. "Your phone's been off," she ventured.

"It's broken. New one should be in tomorrow."

Ahh. Broken phone, irritable Logan, puppy that instantly wanted Mom's attention as soon as she walked through the door like he'd gotten the silent treatment all afternoon. Things were starting to add up. "Did you eat Daddy's phone?" Veronica asked the slobbering pup.

Logan finally paused his game and she saw more than heard him inhale deeply, unfolding off the couch and he looked more strained than she expected. "Don't blame him. Not his fault the wall doesn't have any give."

Okay. That was weird. She watched him cross the room and aim for the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with water. "What happened?"

He grimaced, the expression so subtle she almost missed it. "Threw it."

"For sport?" she asked, trying to keep her tone light. It wasn't like the nine years of maturity while they had been apart had magically cured Logan of his temper, but he had a much better handle on it. Not just anything set him off these days.

Logan snorted softly, setting his glass down hard on the counter to free his hand for a sarcastic little flourish that reminded Veronica of a much younger version of the man she loved. "Tabloids. Apparently they're doing a thirty-five year celebration of The Long Haul and they wanted a few words about dear ol' dad. I guess Trina wasn't available."

Yeah. Okay. The broken phone made more sense now. "Let me guess, they wouldn't take no for an answer?"

"They were very insistent."

Veronica swallowed the quip that almost escaped her about hanging up versus launching the phone across the room. He seemed at least a little calmer now and there was no need to re-escalate. Nor should she ask - no matter how much her curious nature drove her to want to - exactly what they'd said to initiate the premature death of his phone. Logan had a volatile relationship with the press at best. They'd spent the summer after his father's death hounding him for an interview. How did he feel about his father's death? Was it true that Aaron had cut him out of his will? Did he regret testifying against him - and some even went as far as to say lying about him - in the Lilly Kane murder trial? Was he in any way responsible for his father's death?

The questions went on and on. This was certainly not the first broken phone over them and he'd changed his number two or three times during that summer and the following school year, doing his best to fall off their radar, and he'd told her that it had worked for a while. Right up until Carrie's spiral became more public. Between his failed attempts to help her and her eventual death, the vultures had returned, and all they wanted was a piece of him. Veronica had seen it even in New York. Son of a movie star…. That's all he was to them. Never Logan. Never a living, breathing human being that could have been crushed by the weight of everything that they kept dredging back up. She hated it. She hated them.

"Sorry," he huffed.

"For what? Not your fault they're assholes."

That finally pulled the barest of smiles from him and Veronica stepped forward, her arms around his middle and she looked up into those soft brown eyes of his, hating how that old hurt crept in at the mention of his father. She couldn't fix it for him, even if she did what she could to help him put a few legal barriers between him and the press. The damage was done and there was no way to make Aaron Echolls pay any more than he already had. If she could, she'd do it in a heartbeat. She was good at making people pay, but not so great in knowing what to say to ease the hurt left behind.

Logan cleared his throat. "How 'bout dinner?"

Change of subject. That she could do. They were good at distractions.

"What do you say we walk down to the sushi joint with the teriyaki roll you like?"

"I thought you didn't like it?"

"No, I said they make us wait too long for a table and it's not worth it," she countered. "But you've eaten at a few places you're not crazy about when I've had shit days."

She found him staring at her like he was trying to find an angle that wasn't there before his smile returned, a little more real this time. "I love you. You know that?"

"That is the rumour." She tipped up on her toes and pecked a kiss to his lips. "Love you too. Go find shoes. I'll grab Pony. They might make us wait for a table, but not that cute little monster."

"True," he chuckled and disappeared down the hall.

-----------

Dinner was good. Relaxing. Veronica has been right about Pony snagging them a seat quicker than they usually got one there and the pup had curled up on Logan's foot under the table like a sleepy, floppy-eared guard. He and Veronica stayed and chatted, drinking sake and Logan picking his way around the dishes without shellfish. By the end of it, nearly all of the frustration from earlier had been worked loose, Veronica's smile and laugh easing the tenseness in a way few things could.

He could remember getting home, remember that laugh following them into their apartment as he had picked her up and spun her around. He remembered Veronica kissing him and they had stumbled and tumbled their way back to the bedroom, her fingers wrapped around the fabric of his shirt to drag it over his head. He remembered laying there with her some time later, comfortably curled together, her nails tracing patterns against his bare back as he pressed a kiss to the top of her head, sleep pulling at him.

It should have been an easy sleep, and maybe it was at least for a little while. Somehow though, no matter how hard he'd fought against it, his mind dropped him into a place he didn't want to be. He stood outside a house that had burned down over a decade before and stared down into an empty pool. He could feel the dried blood from his nose, the deep ache in ribs that had been cracked by the fall. It made it hard to breathe, but he was rooted in place. Trapped and utterly unable to move.

"I didn't ask a lot," a voice that he'd have preferred never hear again said from behind him. "You're my blood, my legacy. You destroyed it."

Fingers wrapped around the collar of his shirt, finally breaking where his feet might as well have been glued to the concrete surrounding the pool and he felt himself falling. Down and down and down. Like ejecting without a parachute. He slammed into the unrelenting ground, his head bouncing and he found himself staring up into the rage-filled eyes of his father. "You'd have nothing without me! Be nothing!"

Logan struggled for words, but Aaron's hands were around his throat, cutting off his air. He could fight. The rational part of his mind that screamed at him that none of this was real anymore also reminded him that he would have been stronger than Aaron if the man were still alive, but that didn't seem to sink in deep enough to counter the vivid nightmare. No. He was eight years old with his father screaming and shaking him, so filled with rage that Logan was sure this was it. This was how it was going to end.

Another voice cut through, sharp and worried and Logan swung wildly even as he found himself flying up and out of bed. He still couldn't breathe as he reached trembling fingers to his throat.

"Logan?"

He spun, finding Veronica on the far side of their bed like she'd scooter away quickly. Her eyes were wide in the shadows and it took him a moment to realize he might have swung at her. No. No no no. He hadn't meant to. He'd been fighting for his life. He would never —

"Logan?" she tried again, inching forward this time.

"Did I….?" was all he could manage and she shook her head.

"It's okay. I'm okay. Are you?"

Something in his mind reminded him that he should tell her yes. Alway yes. If not there'd be consequences.

And there it was. The tightening of his throat again, just like Aaron was reaching out from the grave and choking the life out of him. If I can't live neither can you. It wasn't hard to imagine him saying it.

Logan felt Veronica's fingers on his arm and he flinched away, throwing the sheets off and stumbling out of bed, halfway to the living room before his eyes found their focus in the shadows. Pony gave a soft whimper off to the side, but stayed out from underfoot.

Everything was spinning too fast. Too fast to form words or even thoughts. He hit the far end of the living room and turned around, Pony scurrying again. Veronica met him before he could redirect and she caught his shaking hands, holding them firmly. "Hey," she coaxed, her voice strangely soft. "It's okay. Whatever you saw, it's not real. It's not here."

"I just…. I can't…. I don't…." He loosed a low, sharp curse and tried to meet her eyes. "I just need a few minutes."

"Okay," she said, but didn't budge.

Logan shook his head. "Alone."

He watched her lips tilt down at the corners as blonde brows drew together. "I'm not leaving you like this."

Like this. An absolute basket case. This hadn't happened in so long. He thought he'd moved past it. Figured it out. He shoved the fear under anger and it made things…. maybe not easier. That wasn't the right word, because the anger brought its own problems, but it was bearable. He felt more in control.

Veronica still hadn't let go of his hands, so when his knees gave and he sank heavily to the floor, she moved with him. Funny, she never broke eye contact. It was like an anchor, carefully reeling him in to sturdier ground.

"What was it for you?" He just stared at her and Veronica leaned down to kiss his knuckles, her voice still quiet. "It's the box for me. Burning hot and I know I'm gonna die."

"What?"

"When I dream about Aaron," she clarified.

"I didn't know that you did," Logan managed, finally shifting his grip so that he was holding her hands, not just being held.

"We don't talk about him," Veronica reminded him softly and squeezed his fingers. "For good reason."

"Sorry."

"It's not your fault."

"He was my father."

"That doesn't make him your fault. Not for what he did to me or to you or…."

"Lilly," his first love's name slipped off his tongue.

"Or Lilly. You are not responsible for Aaron. He should have been better for you. Dads are supposed to protect you."

The words stung, even if she's meant them as affirmation of his own innocence in Aaron's sins. She had had Keith. Of course she would think dads were inherently good. Not his. And, if Aaron could be believed, not his father before him either. That didn't exactly bode well for him. Not that Veronica had ever shown any inclination to take that step.

Veronica loosed a breath. "Sometimes it's my dad outside, like when it happened, but I hear this sound and I know he's gone. Sometimes it's Lilly or Wallace or Mac. And sometimes -" she caught his gaze and held it - "it's you. And all I can think as I'm burning alive is didn't he do enough to him? Why does he get to take him from me too?"

Logan saw tears in her eyes and he reached one hand up to run a thumb along to wipe it away. "Tonight was the pool," he confessed softly. "I could feel every cracked rib. The bloody nose he gave me when he knocked me in. And him… demanding why I was destroying his legacy." He snorted, shaking his head at the stupidity of it all.

"He's gone. He can't hurt either of us," Veronica breathed and there was a long, thoughtful pause before she spoke again. "He threatened me once in the elevator at the Grande. I think he would have done it too. First chance he got. Whoever killed him probably saved both of our lives."

Logan swallowed hard. "Duncan."

"What?"

"Duncan hired somebody."

"How… how do you know that? How would he even know….?"

"I found out a few years ago, while you were in New York."

She made a small sound of acknowledgement. He'd always wondered if she knew, but from the look on her face he guessed probably not.

"He loved you and he was my best friend. Last chance to protect us, I guess."

"I guess," she echoed and looked up at him. She let go of his hand to press both palms to either side of his face, guiding him in gently until their lips met. He melted into the kiss until they rocked back. Logan leaned over her, hovering close enough that he could feel her breath and she let one hand slide to rest against his chest. "Now we protect each other, don't we?"

He nodded wordlessly and felt her other hand wrap around the back of his neck, pulling him back down. "Love you."

"You too. Think we can get back to bed?"

"Yeah."

He rolled off of her, his movements slow, but at least he felt steadier now. She took his hand again as they climbed to their feet, leading him back to the bedroom. It had been a long time since he'd found himself that deep in a nightmare, but it was the first time Veronica had been on the waking side of it. Strange what a difference it could make. On those nights that his father had haunted him over the last decade he had known he wouldn't see a wink of sleep the rest of the night, but now, somehow, he knew she'd protect him against Aaron's ghost. They'd protect each other.

[love-fireflysong]

Until Dawn’s Fifth Birthday

Welp, congrats Until Dawn, you’re officially old enough to start kindergarten. You’re off to learn to read, tie your shoes, recite yous ABC’s, and learn to count to 100. Your such a big kid now, and I’m proud of you for making it this far.

I know I have done literal jack shit for the entire month, but I have been immensely enjoying the things that everyone’s been putting out for this month. So I’m gonna make this text post, not just because of it’s the five year anniversary, but because it’s actually a post I’ve been wanting to make for a while.

So here it goes:

I first learned of Until Dawn when it first came out hilariously enough. My roommate at the time had boughten it for her ps4 and I had been seeing it all over my dashboard on tumblr at the time. I didn’t play it myself though until close to a year later, when I finally had my own ps4 and I bought the game used for like $20 or something from my local game rental store. And I was hooked.

I remember jumping the first time the UD logo pulls that jump scare on the title screen. And laughing because I’m normally pretty good with jump scares, but that one managed to get me because I hadn’t been expecting one before I even started the game. (The one thing in the game that manages to make me jump every time is the mine cart you stop as Mike. For whatever reason it doesn’t matter how dark my room is when I play the game or how many times I’ve played it, I can never see the mine cart until its literally on top of Mike and the QTE is almost up and I squeak in surprise every fucking time.)  

Of course I didn’t manage to save everyone during my first playthrough, I definitely lost Matt to the hook and Ash to the trapdoor (RIP darlings), and for the life of me I can’t recall how the lodge scene at the end went. I’m one of those players though that try to make choices that the characters I’m playing as would, I throw my feelings by the wayside. For example, being in the shed when the game’s making me choose Ash or Josh, and I was debating on whether or not Chris would save the girl he’s had a major crush on for a while at least, or his best friend for the last ten years. I distinctly remember wincing and sucking in air through my teeth and going “Sorry Ash, bros before hoes” and choosing Josh. And then being confused and convinced that I misunderstood the instructions? I mean I wasn’t complaining, just really, really confused. I definitely choose Ash to live at the gun one though, like there was no hesitation. I watched the whole ‘only thing I’ve ever wanted to do with my time’ scene and talk and the moment control was given back to me, the gun was under Chris’s jaw and I fired.

I’m also one of the players that didn’t know that Josh had been behind everything until the reveal either. I had gotten Sam captured so I never got any of those clues and I managed to miss the other clues that hinted at it being a set up (like the bundle of newspapers). So until the reveal I was still convinced that someone was out there killing all of them. Listen, I like mystery games but I’m not very good at connecting the dots okay.

I think I stuck around for a couple of months, gorging myself of fanfiction (all ff.net stuff by the way, I can’t remember if I knew about ao3 at that point or not) but like all interests do with me, the obsession eventually faded (helped in a large part by the rampant Ashley hate going around at the time) and I moved on.

Until February of this year. I was trying to kill time till the end of March when Persona 5: Royal released and I decided to try and see how many games I could platinum until that point. I had made it through the ps3 tomb raider games, Prince of Persia 2008, and decided on replaying the Uncharted games because the ps4 collection didn’t have multiplayer trophies. I hadn’t even thought of replaying Until Dawn. I mean, I had looked at the case and I remembered the game fondly, but that was it. There was no urge or want. 

I was halfway through Among Thieves when I was bored and chilling time on Youtube. And because I had been watching a couple of videos for the treasure locations in Uncharted, one of the recommended videos for me was a game sins for the series. I decided sure why not, and watched it. And watched a few of his other ones as well, Until Dawn included.

That’s right, what got me back into the series wasn’t fond nostalgia for the characters or story. It was a fucking Game Sins video. I’m so sorry.

I was devouring UD content again. I spent like 2 or 3 weeks reading everything Chrashley (with the hyper-fixation for the game back came the ship, what can I say) based on ao3 that I could get my hands on. I was back into the tag on tumblr, going through art I remembered seeing way back when and looking at usernames that didn’t mean a thing then, but mean the world to me now. And then near the end of February, when the obsession was once again starting to flag, I decided to hell with it, and clicked on the The (Almost)s.

I’m not going to expunge all my praises for the story, everyone else has done that better then I ever could. But guys, it was so good. So so good. I was hooked back into the series once again, just as I was starting to flag. And when I saw that @queenofbaws had mentioned that she was tumblr... I didn’t do anything right away. Too scared really, figured she might find it creepy, so I didn’t do anything for like a week. And then I decided fuck it, sent a message about Chris giving Ash his sweater, and following her.

And that was it. I figured I would stick around to see the story completed and just dip. Not even make a splash, just enjoy the content from the sidelines and no one would know that I was here in the first place. Same old, same old. But that was also when I started turning around the kernel in my mind that Baby It’s Cold Outside (so hold me tight in your arms and don’t let go). I didn’t even intend to write it, it was just going to be the fanfic that lived in my mind for me to stew on before bed every night. But I couldn’t sleep one night, my brain was too on and the words just weren’t stopping, so I pulled out my computer and wrote the first part from Chris standing in the snow outside to him reaching the lodge at like 3 in the morning. 

I started becoming more involved in the fandom when queenie started her wip wednesdays and asked to be tagged. Hilariously enough, those days are what started me cross-stitching again too, I hadn’t touched the pattern in months at that point. So I started posting snippets of my writing, and that one day a week was the only thing pushing me to continue writing. By that point, I had stopped hanging around the edges, now trying to push myself closer into this little fandom circle. 

The day I posted the story, I was fucking terrified. It wasn’t my first story, not by a long shot, but I had always considered my writing to be shit. I thought I had good ideas, but I never felt that I was able to truly bring them to life. English and grammar had never been my best subject, I was always more of a math and physics person growing up. But then that first comment from @elliepollie came in and I almost burst into tears. I couldn’t believe that someone out there liked it so much, that they were willing to leave me a review in the first place. I’m still so blown away that she was willing to recommend it as a Chrashley story for other people to read. I think that was the point I stopped hesitantly pushing my way through, and I just kicked down the doors and just yelled ‘Hey fuckers! I’m here now and you are going to fucking deal with it!’.

That was the event that opened the floodgates for me. Suddenly I was talking to people, I had friends online with the same interests as me. I’ve written more in the last six months then I’ve done in the last ten years! I’m feeling inspired to create again. I actually went out to do the first commission I’ve ever requested (speaking of which, please please please go commisson @fudgeroach. I cannot wait until he can post and show you guys the stuff he drew for me. It was worth every fucking penny let me tell you.)

I’m going to be honest, Until Dawn isn’t my favourite game. Sure it has some of my fav lines (it had been years since I played the game, and the moment Jess started her rant outside the guest cabin I was screaming it along with her) and great characters, as horrible people as they all are, but it’s never been my favourite game and likely never will be. But Until Dawn has the best fandom I’ve ever been in and I’m so, so happy to have met and known every single person here. I seriously love every single person here so, so much. You all make my life better and I’m so happy to have all of you in it. Just to quote Chris because I can: “Every second I spend with you is all I ever wanted to do with my time.” This is how I feel. This is how I feel every goddamn day now.

So yeah, I got back into this fandom from a stupid Game Sins video. But by god if it wasn’t the best choice I’ve ever made.

(PS: for those wondering, I never did finish Uncharted 2. Maybe one day...) 

[thenuanceddebater]

Personal Post: Why I Disappear

Alright. This has been a long time coming. This might be one of the most open, personal, etc. posts that I’ve made on this blog. I’m not going to hide anything (save for some identifying details), and I’m going to go through messy stuff like emotions and whatnot. So, I’m putting it under a read more. Please do not think that you need to read this if you don’t want to. 

When I first started this blog, I was in undergrad and almost failing out. I had some family issues going on with my grandfather (who is now deceased due to what I could charitably call medical malpractice to the point where it helped change a national procedural standard), and I was hurting. I didn’t have many (or really any) friends, and I needed something to vent to. I made an account to shout into the void – to post long content that wouldn’t ever really get popular or any traction whatsoever for my own benefit. I needed a place where I could yell at people and feel smart. I really didn’t think anything would ever happen, or that I’d even get like... 50 followers.  And then my content it kind of... did take off to  a degree. 

I wasn’t really prepared for that, but at the time it was really fun. I’ve got a bit of an obssessive/ addictive personality, and tumblr became an addiction. At first, that was okay. I was involved in the culture-war discourse, but not really taking it any more seriously than I took other things. I had a summer internship during summer 2016 where I would make tumblr posts when I didn’t have enough work to do, and enjoyed talking to some of the friends I made on this platform. Then it got bad. I started disagreeing with people on “my side,” the 2016 election happened and I felt isolated from the left and the right, and the alt-right started to become a real thing on this website. 

Charlottesville is what finally killed it for me. I saw so many people I had at least some respect for trotting out positions that were not only wrong, but odiously wrong. I had acquaintances, classmates, good friends who were affected there. Who were on the ground when it happened. And I know a lot more about Charlottesville than most people on this website. I got sick and tired of having to defend myself, of having people who didn’t know what they were talking about speak back on issues that they did not fully understand. At that point, tumblr became toxic for me. And it’s never really come back. It just took me a while to realize it. 

I deleted the tumblr app from my phone in fall 2017, and it’s never come back. I took what was originally intended to be a 3 month sabbatical from tumblr, and then realized that I didn’t want it back in my life. It had kind of... fulfilled its purpose, and I was on to new things. I got a job, and started studying for law school. Then I got into law school. Tumblr was the last place I made that announcement. I used the fact that I had “gotten busy” as an excuse, but that’s not fully accurate. Yes, I was and am very busy. But if I really wanted to, I could make time to post. Maybe not the pages, upon pages, upon PAGES that I used to. But something. What it really was is that I no longer wanted to. The way this website works, at least on the political side, pushed me away. 

Alright, now a MAJOR confession time. I have a lot of anxiety. As in, diagnosed “I went to therapy for a year to help deal with it” anxiety. I’m not in therapy anymore, and I cope with it pretty well (especially compared to some people I know and have a great deal of respect, love, and admiration for). I’m privileged in that regard. So many people have it worse. But, there are still certain things that trigger an immediate strong anxiety response. One of them is seeing that I have notes that aren’t just reblogs or likes. For some reason, when I see a number above that little lightning bolt (or when I saw the activity tracker go crazy on older tumblr) it just makes my heart start pounding. It’s not that I think I might be wrong. I still welcome correction and critique of my opinions. It’s not that I don’t want people to reblog my stuff, or comment on it. That’s (1) not my choice and (2) absolutely silly. 

It’s more that I’m anxious about how the response is going to make me feel. Some of the angriest I’ve been in recent memory is reading tumblr posts. The angriest I’ve been since the whole... grandfather who was like a father to me died due to medical malpractice thing was when I read a response to a post I made about genocide. The second angriest is when I read a response to a post about Charlottesville. The angriest I’ve been in recent memory is when I read that post that brought me back to the website where people were encouraging others to resist unlawful arrest and citing to a case that was outdated. 

I’m not an angry person. I don’t like annoying myself like that. But for some reason, I just can’t help myself sometimes. The number of times I’ve been annoyed enough to want to respond to something in recent memory is... quite high. Sure, there are times where I come back just because I want to check my messages, see something positive, or a question and then am inspired to write something. But that’s not what it usually is. Not really. It’s usually the educator/ elitist in me who wants to correct something that he sees as wrong. And when that thing is dangerously wrong or disingenuously wrong, well that creates some emotions considering that I like to believe that people operate in good-faith and this website really stretches that belief sometimes. And sometimes I can deal with that, and sometimes it really, really bothers me. 

I’ve also discovered that I really don’t get very much from tumblr. I used to use it as shouting to the void, and as an activity I could do other than just playing video games and procrastinating on my school work. Well, I do a lot of things now. I have a lot of friends now, and more school work and obligations to student organizations, law journals, my summer internships, etc. I used to use tumblr as a way to feel like I was smart. To feel like I mattered and that I could do great things. I have other ways of doing that, as well as a lot more internal self-esteem and external validation of that self-esteem. Back when I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I was a bad person. Now, I know I’m not, and am in fact a pretty good person. Back when I made my tumblr, I had no outlet for the intellectual energy other than my long-term girlfriend and school work. Now, I have so many outlets for that energy, that it’s honestly mindboggling. Oh, and I still have that same now very-long-term girlfriend (just in case anyone was curious. Our ten year anniversary is next year. I’m 25. I’ve been dating this woman for almost 40% of my life. And she’s honestly fucking amazing, brilliant, and I’m so damn lucky to have her.). It’s not like I’m starved for interaction or avenues to pursue anymore. When I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I’d fucked my life up to such a degree that I was never really going to be able to un-fuck it. Now, I’ve shown myself that I was wrong. I was really, really wrong. About a lot of things, but especially that. I’m not the same person as when I made my tumblr. Not at all. And that’s a really good thing. 

But when I go and look at some other people, some other blogs that I used to follow/ still follow (I’m not going to name names), I don’t see that kind of change. I see that they are still the same (or very similar) people. It’s been years. They’re talking about the same things, using the same words, etc. That’s... crazy to me. When I logged on to tumblr this fall and I saw that fucking Charlottesville was somehow still a debate topic, I just about lost it. There’s a post I made that accurately summarizes some of the emotions I felt, but really a lot of it was that this website is Neverland. If you stay here, you likely never grow up. All that happens is that the Wendys, Johns, and Michaels decide that they want to grow-up, and leave to go and do so. So, all that’s left are the Peter Pans and Captain Hooks engaged in constant warfare about the same things for weeks, months, years. And when a Wendy, John, or Michael decides to come back well. Neverland is still the same. Welcoming them back to the same fight that they remember from years ago – from when they were a different person. I don’t know why, but that’s just so damn sad to me. There’s a reason why my old bio said “just a human striving endlessly for the perfection that he can never hope to attain.” Because that’s what I do. And tumblr has kind of an... anathema to that and is antithetical to the concept. 

So, tumblr gives me little to nothing, pisses me off, and its never-changing or evolving nature makes me sad and goes against my very being. So, why come back at all? That’s... a damn good question. Not really sure that I can answer it. I suppose the answer has to be that there’s no good reason to come back, but that I will likely continue to do so anyway. Call me a masochist if you must, but sometimes there’s something that I want to share (or that I think the people who SOMEHOW still follow this dead-ass blog should know), or an idea that I think is useful, or I just so happen to type a “t” on my keyboard and tumblr gets pulled-up and I see something and decide to post on it, etc. and I come back. VERY temporarily. Only until I’m pulled away or driven away again. I think that’ll probably keep happening. At least to some degree. 

Will I ever come “back” like I was in undergrad or the summer before I got my job? I don’t know. Signs point to “no,” but I’ve been wrong before. I’ve been oh so very wrong before. And maybe I’m wrong about what tumblr gives me. Maybe I can have a healthy relationship with this website to the point where the reblogs don’t give me anxiety, and I’m not either sad or angry (to some degree) when I make a response. But right now, I really doubt it. And I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone, but that’s just where I am right now. 

So yeah. I think that’s it. I’ll be around temporarily right now (my internship has really good hours, and I’ve got time in the evenings before I game with friends and talk to my girlfriend to take a look at some things). But come the end of August, I’ll likely be gone again. Maybe even before that. I’m not going to close this blog (because I’ll likely be back again), but content or opinions are never going to be consistent. 

If anyone wants to talk, feel free to message me, send an ask, etc. Seeing as I’ve basically dumped a lot of stuff at once (and broken some of the wall separating “TND” from me as a person) I’m down to answer pretty much anything. 

[phandomficfests]

Writer’s Corner: phloridas

Introductions 

First things first, tell us a little about yourself. Hi, I’m Claire! I’m 22 years old, from Illinois, and like most 20-somethings, have no idea what I’m doing with my life. Things have been been pretty turbulent these last few years, as I started college studying Elementary Education but transferred schools a couple years ago to study Creative Writing. I had recently fallen in love with writing all over again and wanted to improve my craft/possibly work with books as a career. That school, however, wasn’t a great fit for me and after months of struggling, I dropped out last October and have been slowly putting myself back together since. I’m now hoping to transfer again to a school closer to home to finish my Elementary Ed degree, as I really do have a passion for teaching and children and thoroughly enjoyed those classes when I was taking them. So fingers crossed things can work out there! :)

How long have you been writing for?  I wrote and posted my first phanfiction in October 2016 but if you’re talking fanfiction in general, my first ever fic was a terrible Glee one that I scribbled in my 9th grade biology notebook in the spring of 2012 and thankfully never posted anywhere. I’ve also been writing original stories and keeping journals on and off since I was 6--which is a really long time, now that I’m thinking about it!

Tell us about your current project. Ok! I’m currently working on a few things: first is my PRB, second is a fic I was commissioned to write for the Phandom Gives charity drive and the third is a much longer thing I’ve been working on for about a year now, where Dan and Phil are telling the story of their lives and releasing it as a book for their 10th anniversary, and dealing with all the emotions that arise from all that—so basically my fever dream for 2019, which feels more possible than ever now in this post-coming out universe.0 unread message

What is your current word count?  245,379 or 259,014 counting my wips! (Damn, I wish I had that much in dollars lmao)

Questions on Writing

Do you try to write daily? Do you have a word count or other goals you try to hit for each writing session? As long as my mental health is decent and I’m not sick or anything, I try to write every day! I haven’t had a word count goal for a while but recently, I’ve started using a word count tracker and it’s been amazing to see my progress through that! My base goal is normally 500 words but if I’m not working that day, I try to go for 1k or to the end of whatever scene I’m working on.

How do you feel about the arguments against real person fic? I totally understand why some people may be uncomfortable reading it--I personally hate talking about it, even with my closest irl friends--but I don’t think anyone should tell someone what they can and can’t write. Does it sometimes feel weird, especially after seeing them at TATINOF and II and meeting them at II? Sure, but it helps that dnp themselves are cool about it. For me, writing is all about getting these stories out of my head, and it just so happens that all my stories feature Dan and Phil. So yeah, I’m gonna write and post them no matter what anyone else says.

What challenges you most in your writing? Myself. Much like Dan, my perfectionism makes me my own harshest critic and so many times, has completely destroyed my productivity. I also have a really bad habit of comparing myself to others, which only got worse after I started taking writing classes and saw just how talented some of my peers were. However, after speed writing most of my last fic in the two weeks before its posting date and seeing the amazing response that’s gotten, I’ve gained a lot more confidence in my writing abilities and don’t overthink as much, which has been really nice!

What's your favorite piece of feedback you've ever gotten? All the comments on my most recent fic, an act of infinite optimism, have been incredible and I’m SO happy it got such a good response! I was a bit hesitant about it, as it’s from Dan’s mum’s point of view and seeing as I’m not a mother myself (and currently have no interest in becoming one), I wasn’t sure how well it would resonate. But I think reading Michelle Obama’s memoir helped a lot, since her story helped me see exactly what being a working mom is like, which gave me so much more empathy for moms everywhere. And people have said this fic resonates well with them, whether or not they’re a mom themselves, which is so amazing to hear!

What do you think makes a good story? I’m quite easy to please so honestly, if the author has put lots of love and hard work into a story, I’m so here for it! But some of my favorite stories are the ones that focus most on character development and that follow the characters through an emotional journey. Basically, if your premise is Dan and Phil talking about their feelings and learning more about themselves in the process, it’s an automatic yes from me. Like I said, I’m not picky :)

How do you balance writing for yourself vs. writing what people want to read? Honestly, it’s not something I think about all that much? If I have an idea I really like, there’s a 95% chance I’ll write it just so I can get it out of my head. And normally what people want to read is the kind of thing I want to write (like my take on the 2017 Lester family Christmas, which was super well received), so it works out quite well! 

What inspired whatever you’re currently working on? For my current wip (the one I’ve been working on since August), I actually was inspired by Rainbow Rowell’s Fangirl and its use of excerpts from Cath’s fics or the Simon Snow books before each chapter. As a dnp tell all book is something I’ve dreamed of for years, it occured to me that I could write that book, or little bits of it anyway, and the story of how that book gets created! And maybe confronting their past selves will allow dnp to move on with the rest of their lives, finally settling down and living their domestic dreams! So beyond the initial idea, the rest is pretty much all the hopes and dreams I had for 2019 before the reality of this year came crashing down on us all :D

What is your ideal writing environment? Literally, in my bed, snuggled under the covers. I don’t have a desk in my room and don’t feel comfortable writing anywhere else so 99% of my it happens here, on my semi-functional laptop. Or hastily typed out on my phone whilst hiding behind a large clothing display at work, but idk if I would call that ideal lmao

Don’t forget that you can check out Claire on tumblr at @phloridas or on AO3 here. If you’d like to be on the list for a Writer’s Corner feature, sign up here!

[light-of-judgment]

3 years already???

New Years Eve was my 3 year anniversary of turning this blog into an RP blog. Time has gone by so fast but it’s been wonderful for the most part. I appreciate all of my followers, even if we rarely do so or haven’t at all. There’s obviously going to be a few that have really helped me get through these last few years, and especially this last one as it’s been the worst year of my entire life. I want to thank them.

Special Thank You:

@scourgedaddy My lovely. It’s been so great getting to know you over the last year and watching our relationship grow stronger. I can’t wait to spend time with you in a few weeks and over the summer. Your writing is amazing and you have a wonderful spirit.

@yunhuntress Fangalang. You’ve always been amazing and so very helpful to me between just getting things moving along and helping me with my themes. I feel like at this point you’re one of the people I’ve grown the closest to and I hope we stay friends for a long time.

@ahdynn Taebae! Gosh, I think I’ve known you almost the entire time I’ve been on here. You’re always so wonderful to talk to and I’m sorry we don’t talk as much as we used to. I’m just happy you don’t hold that against me because it’s never a conscious decision. I want us to talk every day again. Message me, even if its just random and to say hi. I’ll never ignore you and I treasure our friendship. 

@dancing-dagger You know, I never knew how highly you thought of me until you made the comment about how I helped you out and gave you some degree of confidence. I’m so happy to hear that because honestly, you’re such a talented writer and you’re so fun. I’m happy that you’re such a presence in my Discord server and I love our talks.

@royalxshock It’s really been this last year that we’ve gotten closer, hasn’t it? We spoke sporadically before but it’s nearly constant now. You’ve supported me in so many ways and through so much of this last year’s utter tragedy that I can’t not mention you here. You’re one of the funniest, most talented people on this site and I wish you were around more but I understand how busy you are. I hope you’re loving your job right now and I honestly hope that you stay this happy.

@thepricewasright Tumblr mom! We don’t speak as much as we used to but we’ve BOTH been super busy. I’ll never not give you a shoutout because you have had so much influence since I started here. You’re always so helpful and you always give me an ear when things are rough. Honestly, Jenn, I respect you so goddam much it’s not even funny. Keep doing you.

@golden-heart-knight Mary! I don’t know what else I can say that hasn’t been said to you already. Your Leo has had such an impact on my Kefka and you have been a wonderful friend. I love the drawings you sent me so much and I need to find a special place for them. Thank you for giving me an ear when it’s needed and for just being a supportive and wonderful friend.

People who’s threads and interactions give me the excited tum tum:

@badassbarmaid @blackmage-lulu @askaeristheflower @firxga @papa-guna @thedemonkingganon @ask-genesisrhapsodos @violentremnant (are you still there?) @araneaxdragoon @enduredxdefiance @riotxblade @xalmasyx @runexxknigh @eldritch-sanctum @crystallineglacian @pxssytrxgger @moonlit-summoner @khresme @lunarprincessyue @lunarvessel @fabulousredkweh​ @adventurouswind​ @cindythegreasemonkeygal​ @ivory-paragon @fujxn @no-consequence @loqibesthia

People I admire from afar and super wish to have threads with:

@aonemanarmy​ @artemisxbow​ @trapped-with-nightmares​ @ask-captain-faris​ @ofsilverbullets​ @milessomnia​ @divine-identite @waywardregalis @abrokenremnant @wieldersofcourage @ravusnightblossom  @boltxnbastard @annjiru @maereoleo @theworldsgreatestmultimuse @patergladium @cutexblondsxgirlsx @valkyriesrose @chaineddaemon @izunias-wrath @save-the-rose (I HOPE YOU MAKE A SEYMOUR PS)  @bvlgae @breselin @fleurith @fleshheir @daemonczar @childxfmiracles @ofhighwind @sadistic-second @burmecias-protector @burmecianblackmage @xwanderingalbhedx @areapermostcapricious @ofgunblades @praesidioest @mooglerush @corditeheart @invertxgo @lioncuboflucis

I know I’ve forgotten people because every time I go through my followers list I kick myself for forgetting to put a name I see. If I’ve forgotten you, I’m so sorry and you can feel free to punch me through the messenger and I’ll add you.

I’ve also not mentioned people who I’m unsure are active anymore @enduredxdefiance and @imperialroseking are you alive? But honestly, it’s hard to tell at this point, so please don’t feel upset if you didn’t get mentioned. 

Thank you everyone! I look forward to another year playing the spicy clown god boii!

[sourpunchsims]

A lookback at 2018

I’ve been on Tumblr for almost a year now. Wow. It does and doesn’t feel that long at the same time. Very weird concept. I used the mega editor to take a quick look at the overview of my blog and wrote down any memorable moments that stood out to me :)

This was more for myself than anyone else, but maybe you all will find it interesting too.

Feb: I started my blog in February of this year. I had never used Tumblr before then. I had no idea what I was doing and mostly just posted a lot of weird edits.

March: I think this is when I found other simblrs telling stories with their sims and I really wanted to try that out too. I posted Vanille’s intro and tried and failed with the Ice Cream Simdae and BPR that month.. quit them both and deleted the posts... wish I hadn’t now lol..... I also started sim requests and got 6 that month (by the way sim requests are pretty much always open). The tail end of March is when I hit 100 followers, which is still CRAZY to me to even think.

April: More sim requests. A couple that were on Tumblr that on it that persons game <333333. Sienna for @jelizabethmarieb and Orpheus for @seraphinabelle! Also “doot doot” anon was a thing. I requested my first sim from @seraphinabelle, who will still be around a little once I get back to my Musique Des Sims. It was my birthday, I posted my face for the first time, and I hit 200 followers (CRAZINESS)

May: May is when I really kicked it into gear when I started my 100 baby challenge. I don’t think I’ve missed a day by accident since I started posting it. I think. It has been a real blast playing with this colorful family. We’re on gen 3 and honestly, I haven’t gotten sick of it. Some of my favorite sims have come out of this challenge.

Made a request for Porter from @berrybloomsims, who also will show up in Musique Des Sims for a brief period. Introduced you guys to Quartz, the founder for Musique Des Sims and started it. Didn’t get very far though before I put it on hiatus.

June: A few sim requests here and there. Continued on with the 100 baby, started gen 2 in fact, my cat had kittens irl (we ended up keeping 2 of them), @berryconfetti started my challenge, and I started my Seasons of Gnomes challenge. And to kick it all off, I hit 400 followers! I think I must have been busy around the 300 mark and by the time I had time to make anything, I was close to 4 anyway so I waited.

July: 100 baby challenge still going strong, Seasons of Gnomes was continued. I put up a post asking for spouses for the 100 baby challenge (still waiting on those btw @grassamere @samssims xD for real tho, no rush you still have a lot of time <3). @27ccfinds made me made me a cute edit of what used to be my side blog for Big Sister/Runaway Teen! Still can’t believe that, how sweet! <3 I made Cleo and entered her in @ashleysimmer11 ‘s Next Top Model! Hard to believe she’s in the top two! :D and then Ashley binge read my 100 baby challenge xD

August: 100 baby and Seasons of Gnomes still going strong, which is surprising for me, my kitties were growing up, posted my ballerina edit which I still love, had my second binge reader @princesspeach9090, and had my first wedding anniversary <3

September: Still posting 100 baby and Seasons of Gnomes! Go me! I made this sim just for fun and ended up re-purposing an old side blog for a game play based Not So Berry. @jelizabethmarieb made her spouse! Ashley made me pick a favorite Macaroon child. Aaaaand I made a Fall look book for 600 followers, using my gen 2 NSB heir for the model.

October: I participated in Simblreen for the first time. Oh boy, it was fun, but stressful. So. Many. Asks. I made 3 different treats and did it all weekend. (1 2 3). We were just about done with gen 2 for the 100 baby challenge, and gen 2 was in full swing for Seasons of Gnomes uuuntil it went on hiatus that month. I released some of my simmies into the world for my 700 follower milestone.

November: Gen 3 of 100 baby started, Cleo made it into the top 3 of Next Top Model, and I started my Rags To Riches, which you all seem to be liking a lot.

December: Buckle up, I did quite a bit this month xD

- Started my Youtube channel back up and got 20 subs on it! Woop! <3

- Participated in the “log off protest”

- Started a new project with @little-sims

- Started preparing more for gen 2 of my NSB

- Made a cute Poppy and Neptune edit

- Made some of the cutest random sims ever, which will be used for something later on in 2019

- CLEO MADE IT TO TOP TWOOO!

- Took one of the cutest screenshots I’ve ever taken.

- Made a new side blog for my story based saves! Which you all helped name :)

- Got the ABSOLUTE CUTEST anon message ever

- Submitted a name for @purpleleopard96 ‘s bachelorette challenge

I have had the BEST time on here this year. Sure, it’s got some drama, but what community doesn’t, especially online, but I’ve made some people I call friends on here.

I’ve started and ended a lot of projects. I’ve managed to keep my 100 baby challenge going without getting bored of it once which is a feat in itself. I hope to continue this for a long time to come. New BPR, possibly 2 actually, one story based, one game play based, Seasons of Gnomes, and Musique Des Sims to come over on the new blog starting sometime in Jan! I finally got most of the character page done for my BPR so I can start shooting it soon.

But at the same time, my posting will probably have to slow down again because I’m going to be trying to get a job soon not looking forward to that AT ALL

But yeah, thanks for sticking around with me and reading my stuff. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do making it. And if you made it this far, you are an ANGEL and I love you!

[mexamix]

Trigger Warning

Suicide, Guilt, Death, Toxic Relationship, Counseling, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, PTSD, Dissociation, Sexual Assualt.

1) I do need a professional counselor or therapist

2) This past weekend proved it - March of 2019

3) I will find one in my own time

4) This will not be coherent (most likely)

5) I don't need to talk here, needed to write.

6) I quit my job of over 5.5 years, on a whim, over this weekend, because even in my mental state I knew it wasn't good for me. But I hurt the people I was trying to not to

Tumblr has been and always will be a happy place for me - I understand that it's not for everyone, and it's the least furthest thing from perfect. But it's how I found who I feel to be the love of my life. It's where I can make new friends with a simple hello, and we don't have to talk every day, and that's okay. It's where I can express and explore every part of myself, and I can be safe. I can love myself as much as I want, explore mental health, become aware of different perspectives, and have my eyes opened to how the world and the people around me are hurting. It has the potential to be an incredible place for every walk of life.

And on this blog, the one that started it all, I feel safe to write posts like this.

I have had a happy life. Raised by wonderful people. Live in a quiet town that actually raised me to believe that I could do anything I put my mind to. I love to travel. When I have a job, any job, I give it my all. I am also ridiculously creative, in so many ways, you should hear the mental list of ideas I have. I finally found exercise I like. I love to cook. I have many wonderful friends from all different walks of life. Graduated college "on time." Loved by everyone, and if I'm not, please let me make it right. Don't be mad at me. Please don't hate me. Please don't leave me.

I have no control. It was too much.

I am always growing and learning - in fact, I am so "grown up," I recently friended everyone on Facebook at once! Old friends that I'm ecstatic are doing well, mended broken fences, I even forgave my parents! My mom of all people! Everything is great! I'm finally feeling like myself again!

Oh she wants to talk. Oh she's liking my pictures. She's commenting. Again and again and again and again and AGAIN FUCK WHY IS HER NAME EVERYWHERE.

My parents divorced when I was a kid. They were "high school sweethearts." Mom never showed up to the custody court hearing. And I've never asked my dad to tell me everything that happened from his perspective.

Because they left me

They abandoned me

They didn't want to raise me

She was never a real fucking mother and I had to see her every other damn weekend.

And the minute I didn't have to legally be in her presence, my dad started bringing over girlfriends that looked just like her.

Acted like her.

Felt like her.

Left the same bad taste in my mouth.

I don't want to be my mother.

I had a wonderful childhood...aced every test, took it semi-okay (not really) when I didn't get good a good grade in college, but still graduated with honors! I can live anywhere I want with my experience and degree!

Oh but my grandparents have a lot of health issues.

My boyfriend will move up here and leave everything...for me.

why do I have to leave? This safe little town, it has so many good memories, we can have a life here, I can buy a house, I can have the CLASSIC AMERICAN DREAM. I CAN WORK EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK WITH NO TIME FOR MYSELF OR LOVED ONES. I CAN FIX IT. NOTHING'S WRONG.

I love to travel and I want to see the world - financially I cannot.

I was raised by my grandparents. They are my true parents. They love and support me no matter what. I was raised in a loving household. With good Christian values. But everyone hated my beliefs in high school, part of who I am. And I thought traditional was best. Why don't you drink? Oh you can't be GAY that's WRONG aren't you a GOOD CHRISTIAN GIRL. Ewww you are way too clingy, back the fuck off, we're just friends, I don't *actually* like you. Why don't you let loose??? Have some fun! Be like us!

Why are you hanging out with that boy who said he likes you? Dude sure you had a wonderful first date, but do you know him?? He has NONE of the same interests as you! So what if he seems like a great guy!! Listen to us!!!!! WE KNOW BEST.

I wished I had just been friends with my "first" boyfriend. I wish we had never kissed. I wish I hadn't clung onto him because he was the first guy to supposedly not care how clingy he was.

I was sexually assaulted in high school. I had pushed my friends away, and I didn't know what to do. Or who to tell. No one else would like me, right?

I should've just been his friend.

My wonderful boyfriend and I recently had our five year anniversary - half of that was long distance. I live in a fairy tale!! He's got some giant surprise for me!! What's it going to be?? A trip? A proposal? A house? I get to meet every celebrity I follow????? All of the above?????

I am a highly sensitive person. I see details and patterns.

I work hard to have a good life.

I am not upper class, in fact if I lost my grandparents, I'd be "lower class" compared to society standards. But I like nice things, fancy things, shiny things, pretty things, let me spend all if my money because shopping is happy!!!! I have a job!!! I can buy whatever I want because I KNOW BEST and I HAVE MONEY and what's one more thing to add to the collection??? I'll always have money!!!

I have too much. I have no control. In "real life" I have no money if I lost everything.

Let me buy a house! Let's rent a house! I can DO it I can AFFORD it, it can be an INVESTMENT, I can't have all of the noise, I need pets, I need my own place I want it to be MINE I just need to GET OUT.

I had my first panic attack.

From my brain going into overdrive, and seeing details and patterns. Not trusting people. Couldn't sit still. But from feeling cared for. Then wondering if everyone around me knew something that I didn't. I get what I want right?? What do I want????? I can have EVERYTHING????? I can have FREEDOM??????????? What does everyone SEE that I'M MISSING???

the effects are just now starting to wear off I guess. I've been to two doctors. But I was delusional, thinking I was okay when I wasn't, hurting those around me, dissociating multiple times, screaming at my boyfriend, terrified to talk to the doctors, overly angry, absent, happy, manic.

ever since the first time I dissociated, I've felt like while there's more love and support every day, the country they I live in is no longer my home.

I became aware of how Dissociation felt the night of the 2016 election.

Watch what you say. Who you piss off. Nothing is safe. Safe places are childish. Act "normal." no DON'T try and have a relationship with that person STOP STOP STOP it's TOO MUCH you'll LOSE THEM you need to get out out out, somewhere safe, DON'T BE YOURSELF JUST GET OUT DAMMIT.

apartments are scary. loud men are scary. people not believing the minorites, are scary. this country is scary. not remembering things, it's incredibly scary.

not having any self-worth....is terrifying.

My first "boyfriend" committed suicide.

This was years ago. I thought I was over him. I was sad, because I knew he had a hard life too. I tried to be his friend when he messaged me, but I didn't know how. I was still a young adult. Inexperienced. What was I supposed to do??? I didn't read the signs!! I could've helped him if I'd just KNOWN. AND NOW HE'S GONE.

I needed to block his Facebook from myself, because it's still up. I'm reminded of all of the good times. How he only sexually assulted me, he didn't actually *rape* me, that's different, I was *lucky* that he didn't rape me in that house alone when the only person who knew where I was TRUSTED me!! I told them to go. It was fine.

I was lucky. I didn't know what a Toxic Relationship was.

and when I went to try and block his Facebook, I found his memorial page, made by good friends.

He was such a good person. Don't talk bad about the death. Just remember the *good* times. No bad times. It's so sweet! I should *contribute* something!!! Remember all of the GOOD times we had??????? There was never ANYTHING bad!

I had my first panic attack, I was sleep deprived, and the terrifying effects are just now wearing off.

I almost had another one just seeing that Facebook page and feeling like I should contribute.

I am lucky. But I have a past, just like everyone else. And no one needs to know everything. But I need professional help, and rest, and time to myself. But the thought of people leaving because of something I did, or how I acted...it never should've gotten to this point. But it did.

And while it doesn't excuse my actions, I hope it helps spread awareness of mental health and the effects of what high stress and anxiety can do to a person, as well as bring more awareness to the behaviors and mental conditions that can affect anyone, even when they can't just let the past go.

I am not a doctor. But I need to talk to a professional counselor, therapist, etc. No one deserves to deal with the effects of my mental state after what happened.

Please watch the YouTube channel Psych2go. It is accessible, free education about the different aspects of mental health, and the variables that go into it.

[rkxblue]

happy #rkfifth !

i told myself i wasn’t going 2 do this b/c ... i’m lazy bean, but here we are anyway! let’s get it!

but anyways starting off rookies was kind of like a vacation to me, rp wise. before rk i had my own rp that lasted a while but during 2013, there was just some drama between members that i constantly had 2 deal with and honestly it was like ... dragging me down, making admining seem like a chore and i loathed logging on to the main b/c i knew there would be some shit w/ these certain people that i had to deal with. so seeing rk in the tags being a different kind of idol roleplay ( and shout out rk for being a trendsetter ) /and/ the fact that reserves were filling up so quickly for a new rp, i quickly sent in a muse.

and it was a little ... idk at first. i did feel out of place considering most came from a different rp in the beginning and i wasn’t, and on top of me being v awkward w/ talking 2 people on instant messengers, there was a bit of time where i felt like i didn’t fit in and almost dropped like 2 weeks after i joined, LOL. luckily at the time a lot of things were going on which helped w/ plotting and meeting new muses, and everyone was super friendly and nice and that’s what kept me here!!!

so then rk turned from a vacation you didn’t want to leave from -- i ended up slagging off p majorly on my responsibilities as an admin at my own rp for a while because i was having such a good time at rk -- it rly brought back my love for rp and muse and tbh if you look back at rksunyoung’s archive back in 2013 - early 2014, i don’t think i’ve ever written as much on tumblr as i did back then, LOL. rk has definitely had it’s ups and downs and i’ve dropped both of my muses before -- but it wasn’t too long before i was bringing them back because there really isn’t a place like rk within krp. that, along with the dedication between both members and admins, is why it’s lasted so long and is still thriving with a super active dash after five fucking years. that’s crazy!! i think i remember mei saying something similar on twitter -- but when i see old rp friends and they ask “omg ur /still/ at rk???”

so it’s obvious to see why this rp went from feeling like a vacation to a home, right?? it’ll always have a special place in my heart  ♡

anyways moving on to my characters too -- when i first brought rksunyoung, now miss rkxblue, i never thought that she would last more than a couple of months, much less be involved with so many things within rk’s history!! it’s ... p wild to think about, especially since i’m someone that has a hard time committing to hobbies and such. it’s been a fun ride watching her go from someone who was wild and reckless and had a problem with love and a little bit of anger issues to someone whos a lot more well rounded, a soft idiot LOL. she even finally got herself the sweetest boyfriend after four years of being shipless on the rp, which i still can’t wrap my head around because denying herself love and believing that it doesn’t exist was one of her /things/ for the longest time. the list of stuff she’s done is so long and now that it’s lead to her finally debuting it’s ... scary yet exciting for her, to be honest, she thought she’d be a trainee forever!! i’ve had a lot of ups and downs with her muse as well, to the point where there was like years ( i think ) of inactivity on my end and she should have 4238972389 more points than she does atm because of that. i do feel sorry for her b/c that was just me being lazy ofc, but in the end i’ve gotten my shit together on her and have been pumping out replies p consistently this year and plotting w/ trainees which has done wonders for her muse. and although hyomin was literally /the/ perfect fc for her considering her personality, the fc change 2 yura has also helped majorly with my muse and it’s been so much easier to plot and reply and even with her characterization too.

as for miss rknvna!! she hasn’t had as much development as sun, aside from her tumultuous rls with a former song minho and being a royal trainee during her first run, and that’s mainly been due to my laziness again jfkafl;a. the good thing tho is that i’ve finally been able to experience life as a rookie with her, considering the times my girls have become trainees were v quick ( sun’s first time was like a week or two after the rp opened, then 3 months after i rejoined w/ her, and nana became a trainee only a month after she joined the first time ) so it was nice to experience the freedom that came with being a rookie!! since 2018 has been sun’s year, i’m going to focus on nana for 2019 so that she can branch out more!!

i guess before i move on i should give shoutouts to all my other rkmuses throughout the years whose lives were so short that i can’t even remember their urls LOL -- my song jieun, park kyungri, goo hara, and choi jinri muses!! i’m sure there’s at least one more that i’m forgetting, but they all lasted around 2 weeks so...

but i also want 2 thank rk for allowing me to be more social as well!! i’ve said this in the last anniversary post i wrote 25238957 years ago but i used 2 have a phobia of sorts when it came 2 instant messengers, so i didn’t rly have one when msn was popping and therefore, didn’t talk 2 many people ooc wise in rps. i made an aim when i came to rk and just ... diving in and talking to people helped out a lot with that, even if i do still get anxious from time to time w/ just simply messaging people. :(

i’m a shy individual ( and for some reason its only exacerbated online??? idk fam ) and unconsciously rather private as well, so that definitely hinders me from making friends as much as i would like to, but it’s a day by day process!! it’s something i’ve come 2 terms w/ as of late and will seriously work on within the next year! but even w/ me being the way that i am, i’ve been able 2 meet a couple of people that have made my experience in rk just a little bit brighter so a ( very brief ) shout out 2 them ~

to maria ( @rkjinkis ) : my sweet angel!!! i’m so glad that rk brought us together because you’ve honestly become one of my closest friends from this rp and in general tbh!! ur so super sweet and caring and a blessing 2 my life, just as much as jinki is to ahyoung’s!! i’m sorry that sun is too independent for her own good but she’s working on it okay!! baby steps!! i love how genuine u are and how we can rely on each other through thick and then, and honestly i want the world for u and more. i love love love LOVE u so much, and i’ll make sure u never forget it!! thank u for being my friend and my source of happiness!!!  ♡ ♡ ♡ 

to hamin ( @rksoohyun ) : despite the fact that we knew each other from snu it was rk that actually got us 2 start talking and i’m so grateful for that!! u literally are the cutest girl in the entire world and ur just as outgoing irl as u are online; seeing morning musume ( a group i thought i would never see live ) w/ u was truly a highlight in my life!!! and ofc soohyun will forever be nana’s fuckin child and she’ll always be rooting for her happiness!! i love u u sweet buttercup and i can’t wait until ur back so i can talk 2 u again!!!  ♡ ♡ ♡ 

to mei ( @rkariel ) : man i admired u for the longest b/c i’ve always loved the way u write and ur characterization of tiffany / ariel, so when years ago nick told me that u were actually paying attention to the minana plot and threads i was so shook i nearly tripped over myself LMFAO. i’m happy that we actually started talking b/c of that tho!!! it’s so easy 2 write w/ u and i honestly have so much fun regardless if we’re just talking about our characters, getting carried away on dash or twitter, or hurting each other w/ headcanons!! ariel has become nana’s rock p much and w/o her i’m not sure how she would of fared her time w/ mino w/o her and their discussions!!! i hope that we can become closer in the future!!

to razel ( @rkcheri ) : hiya boo!!! ik we don’t rly talk anymore but i still wanted 2 mention u b/c u were one of my first friends in rk when i felt kinda lonely, and that was definitely one of the reasons i was able to stick around!! i loved writing w/ u b/c ur writing style was always so unique that i could actually point u out whenever we were in past rps together and it’s an honor 2 even write w/ u fjkalf;a. i’m sorry that sun is such a shitty friend and i’m looking forward 2 the day jihyun kicks her ass about not telling her about jinki b/c she deserves it LOL. but just, thank u!!!!

to amy ( @yienrk ) : are u surprised ur on here?? HAHA we don’t talk too much either but i do appreciate u checking up on me whenever i’m down and just generally being supportive and nice!!! also i’m in awe about how knowledgeable u are about idols in general ( i remember one of our first convos being about how sixteen came 2 be and the collapse of all of jype’s trainees and such ) and i love yien and nana’s supportive relationship too!! i can’t wait 2 see how they develop, and i hope 2 get closer 2 u in the future!! ; u ;

to eclipse girls ( @rkariel , @rkaudrey , @rkhaseul , @rkjennie , @rkyeri ) sun couldn’t of asked 2 debut w/ a better group of girls and i’m so glad that they harmonize w/ each other so well!! i’m excited 2 see what debuting brings for them!!  ♡ ♡ ♡

and a shoutout 2 snu crew too ( piper / hoonji, nanu, @rksang, @rktomu, @rksoohyun , @rkjinhwan94, @rkpcy ) : even tho ik majority of u probably won’t see this i’m still tagging and talking about y’all anyway!!! i have so much fun reminiscing w/ u guys whenever we can, and i’m happy that i’ve grown closer too u all as well!! i’m sorry i was such a shit admin back in the day, and what brought y’all together was bad circumstances, but i’m glad it’s something that we can all look back on and laugh at now. i miss being together w/ all of u at once but i hope y’all are doing okay!!!!  ♡ ♡ ♡

and naturally, the admods too!!! thank u guys for putting up w/ all my shit whenever i was in a slump or i sent in points late or fucked up the points ( honestly kyle u are such an angel for real LOL ), and for just keeping the rp in tip top shape!!! ur the back bone of rk and we couldn’t of made it this far w/ each and every one of u and ur contributions and dedication 2 the rp!!! i’m super proud of u guys and am proud 2 call u my admins!!!!  ♡

and ofc shoutout 2 everyone that i’ve ever plotted and threaded w/ in the past and present -- i’m super shit at replying 2 those in general so thank u for being patient w/ me even though i don’t deserve it. i don’t know how else 2 end this b/c i’m also super shit at ending things so uh.... happy fifth year anniversary rk!!! here’s to many more!!!

[writefasttalkevenfaster]

1.7K Followers and One Year Anniversary <3

Hey guys, short little message here! But I just hit 1.7K recently and I also just passed my one year anniversary of this blog’s existence. I posted on this blog for the first time on August 1st! I can’t believe it’s already been a year! I just wanted to thank you all for following for so long, and being patient with me as I try to crank out requests, and just liking my writing. It really means the world to me, you guys have no idea. I’ve made friends on here I never would have met, and I hope people aren’t intimidated to message me on here! I’m busy, but I do try to respond to every message/ask I get (besides the ones Tumblr banishes to hell). 

Writing might be slower or faster, I’m not sure which it will be haha. It will probably be around a fic a week or so. Maybe a headcanon or two every now and then! I’m going to busy this summer between work and other things, as well as working on my original novels (I have one in particular that I will be focusing my energies on though). 

The rest of it is under the cut (just some ramblings), but td;lr: I love you guys, thank you to all the friends I’ve made on here, and here’s to another year! 

This blog has made me grow so much as a writer! I look at some of the things I write now compared to how I wrote before, and it’s astonishing just how different it truly is. I really put my heart and soul into every piece, but fanfiction is also how I give my writing muscles a flex.  It’s given me comfort in times I’ve grown sad or desperate honestly. Writing has always been my way of dealing with my problems, and I’m glad I have this place to share my writing. 

It honestly means the world to me, and encourages me to work even harder on my original work! For those of you who don’t know, I’m working on several fantasy novels! 

SKIP if you aren’t interested in hearing about personal work! 

One is about a group of kids who discover a magical world parallel to their own, and they must save a loved one, and discover the darkness that lurks within each of them (I wrote this one in high school lol, it needs a lot of work still). 

Another is about a guild completely set in fantasy world. There are three rotating perspectives of characters of all different ages and races (and perhaps gender/sexuality as well). The characters discover a great evil is returning in the form of a storm that threatens to swallow up the whole world if they aren’t careful, and in the middle of it, lies the mortal enemy of this guild - Nox. Adventures, heists, and all around bad good times to be had. (this is the one I’m working on now!) 

And the last one is a story loosely based off of Joan of Arc, about a girl who becomes an assassin after her family is killed because of a prophecy she foretold. I haven’t quite gotten the story worked out on this one, but I have the rough draft of the first chapter done!  

And there’s a few more, which mostly have some world building and characters plotted out, but nothing too concrete. 

End of skip!

But I will certainly keep fulfilling requests, and I will do a celebration, probably when I hit 2K, so look out for that :) I love you guys, and I’m grateful for all the friends I’ve made on here. 

I love you guysssss

[faces-in-unexpected-places]

This was only supposed to be a one-lined post (Life, College, Projects, etc.)

Earlier today, while I was deep in thought and studying for an exam next week, I just casually “biology is so fuckin cool”.

I’d just like to point out that I’ll be getting ready to graduate this time next year, so I’m pretty far into my degree, and I haven't come across a single class for my major that I didn’t find interesting. Even the ones that had really shitty professors. Even the ones that were extremely difficult (like o-chem OTL)

I’ve enjoyed the ride all the way up until this point, and I’m excited at the prospect of grad school. I’m just very happy with this and think that I’ve made a really good choice with this.

-----

Also, can I just say holy shit at how much time has passed? I’ve been on this meme-loving website since my senior year of high school. So much has changed since then. I feel like my perceptions of things and views of myself and others and the world have changed so much.

It’s just so much to reflect on and take in and understand. I never would have guessed I would be in the place that I am if you asked me back in high school. Of course, if you did ask me, I probably would have been like “did future me tell you to come back and ask me? So he’s still a debilitating nerd for time travel? Good.”.

Anyway, heh

Basically, I know that I don’t post a whole lot on here much anymore, huh? It’s really just because I’ve been dedicating a lot of my time to things outside of here, as I’m sure I’ve said before. Either way, for those who may still check in and might be wondering what’s going on, I’ll fill you in!

1.) I’ve just recently gotten past a very long writer’s block for music, and came up with a really awesome melody for a song that I’ve been working on for over a year!

2.) I work in biology lab on campus that studies oocyte maturation. I’m receiving credit for my degree right now, but I’ll be getting paid for it during this summer! And then I’ll be switching to a new lab in the fall studying ecological effects that some of the bacteria in our lake have on our environment.

3.) I’ve started drafting the main plot points for Do You Have the Time Episode 4.

4.) Abbey and I just had our 2 year anniversary a few weeks ago! She got me a humongous box of cookies that will literally knock you and your blood-sugar on your ass if you dare to eat more than one at a time. I got her a small box of macaroons and a card with a pop-up vase of flowers (she showed it to me once, and I remembered!). We’re probably going to see each other in May/June.

5.) I’m moving into an apartment with my old band-mates in the Fall. They both went to the same college as me, so we’re talking a bit more again, which is fun!

6.) I managed to face a person and situation from my past that has given me a lot of trouble for a lot of years. Our talk went very well, and she helped me understand a lot of things that I was confused about. It’s helped me feel better in myself and my future!

7.) One of the people that I work with in the lab is an INFP, and his views on the world are so Ne and positive it’s like looking into a fuckin mirror.

8.) I’ve found a Masters program that interests me a lot, and is also much closer to Abbey. There is a decent possibility that we’ll get to be together in a little over a year. (Nothing is ever guaranteed in life, but fingers crossed, you know?)

9.) My mom will be getting health insurance back once she graduates college and gets a new job with her degree (she’ll be an RN) and asked if I wanted to get braces. (??? I guess that’s cool?)

10.) My acoustic guitar is currently decommissioned because it’s too dry to replace the strings, so it’s basically unplayable right now. I got a humidifier for it, and I’m hoping that it’ll be well enough to play again because I miss it a lot. However, I’ve been giving my ukulele a lot more attention as of late.

11.) I recently had my mom drop off my old microphone because I’ve been considering getting back into making gaming commentary videos. My old friend who recorded with me also sent me a message the other day, while I was thinking about it, so that made me more interested in starting up the machine.

12.) I still tutor math on campus! Calculus 1 and below (so, algebra and trigonometry, basically). One of my students called me a genius the other day (unfortunately, that statement is a bit inaccurate, heh. But the gesture was very sweet) Another one has told me repeatedly “you teach me everything that I need to know in one hour, and my professor can’t even do it for an entire week that I go to class!”. Kind of an unfortunate compliment for me to receive from the perspective of the professor, but still, also a sweet gesture.

13.) Abbey and I watched that anime movie called Your Name for our anniversary, and it was really good! The music is great!

14.) Abbey also wanted us to get snapchats so we could send each other fun pictures throughout the day. We do, and it’s really fun! But now I also send pictures of the experiments that I run in the lab to my friends and family, and all of them are very confused. They just know that I’m doing science.

15.) Oh man, wouldn’t it have been cool if I could think of a 15th thing so this list seemed more planned and cohesive?

Heh, well, there you go!

I just thought I would say that I hope that everyone who still comes around and looks at my blog is doing well, and still find happiness from the things that I might do! I know that I’m not very active and content that I put out is probably few and far between. But either way, if there has ever been anything that I’ve shared that has made you happy or smile, then good! I’m so happy for that!

Regardless, I hope that life has been treating you all well. And I know that maybe it hasn't been for everyone. In which case, that’s not so great, I’m sorry for that, friend. But remember that for the bad that might be in your life right now, there is always good to counter it! Maybe it’s not there right now, maybe it will take a while, but it’s not gone. The good is never completely gone. Please don’t ever forget that.

Also, a quick thank you and shout-out to those who have read my little short story series Do You Have the Time! I know that I’m a slow writer/poster. And also that I can probably count the number of people who read it on one hand. But that doesn’t matter. I never expected for anyone to read it at all because I don’t put a whole lot of word out, heh. I just post once on tumblr and I’m done. I know that there are a lot of other ways to try to get my stuff noticed, but I’m not really concerned with that. I just like writing it. And even if only one person reads it and likes it, that is enough. That’s awesome! I can’t believe that those people exist and are so cool (looking at you @stormphoenix)!

Just, thank you for sticking around, despite my slow and infrequent process. I notice who takes the time to acknowledge it. And I appreciate it every single time!

Anyway, I just mean to say that I hope that everyone that I’ve ever come across on here is happy in one way or another. I love you all, have a good night!

[yukipri]

I never experienced art theft until one of my works became unexpectedly popular- since then, I've found my work reposted, redrawn, and used as reference for cosplays. It's been exhausting, both seeing it, and not knowing WHERE I should stand on the issue. I've let redraws slide (with credit), but I plan on not allowing future ones from occurring. How do you deal with art theft? How do you continue drawing without thinking about the disrespect thrown at you during bad/failed confrontations?

I am so, so incredibly sorry this happened to you, and empathize very strongly with you. Art theft SUCKS, few things can be quite as demotivating as a creator than having something you’ve worked your ass off on swiped by someone else. And unfortunately, given the current internet culture, if you continue as an online artist it’s inevitable that it’ll happen at one point or another.

Because sure, of course part of the reason why we create is because we want to, but a large part of the motivation for sharing it is to hopefully get some response that people like it, whether it be in the form of likes, reblogs, comments, asks, tags, or anything else. That is the tangible PROOF that our work touched someone, and for someone who put in zero effort and has no idea how we felt while creating to receive all of that instead of us…sucks.

I think where you stand on the issue is up to you, and it’s okay for it to change. YOU always have the right to decide how you’re comfortable with people sharing your art, and your feelings are valid regardless of how they change.

Ironically enough, I just had another art theft on Instagram (my Anniversary post) super recently, so I was like HAH when I got this orz

This rant got a bit long, so the rest beneath cut but here’s a rundown about how my feelings towards art theft have evolved over the years.

For example, over the years I’ve gotten much, MUCH stricter. My earliest online art, I just put it up, no url, oftentimes no signature, no warnings in the comments or my blog bio. Admittedly I was starting out and didn’t have much viewers anyway, but the point was I still had Trust at the time.

Then the art thefts began. I started adding my url to all my illustrations, even if it was just small in the corner, as this’d let people at least find my website. Most people are too lazy to type out a url though, and I’ve seen people asking “Who drew this??” on art theft comments EVEN WHEN THE URL IS LITERALLY RIGHT THERE…

And then people started cropping my watermarks. I made my url bigger, and started adding an additional “DO NOT REPOST” to the image itself. I used to allow reposts with credits on platforms I’m not on, like fb, until I realized that people were then reposting from THOSE communities without credit and putting them into their videos and fics and I just…decided it wasn’t worth it.

I switched to no reposts PERIOD. I have lengthy disclaimers on all of my art that leads to an even lengthier FAQ post that, should people wish to look, leads to even an even more detailed post about WHY art theft sucks, as I’m explaining now.

(EDIT: ALSO, reduce the quality of the images you upload, and NEVER upload the full resolution, and try to keep you unmerged original files. This is for several reasons: no matter how much an art thief reposts your work, they’ll never have access to the higher resolution, and if they ever decide to try to print to sell for profit it’ll be shitty quality compared to anything you make with the original. ALSO, you having the maximum resolution with no watermarking with additional unmerged psd files will be proof that you are the true creator should you need to prove it, which I’ve heard is sometimes necessary to show when your art is stolen at say, an artist alley)

I also used to bother trying to talk to art reposters. I’d comment on the post, try to send messages, etc. It’s fucking exhausting, and while there are some exceptions, the VAST majority of art thiefs will feel attacked and immediately get rude and defensive. (the failed confrontations and disrespect you mentioned orz) If it’s a large community, they may even try to gang up on you. I’ve unfortunately experienced this most frequently in communities centered around other languages (mainly Spanish) because of different mainstream attitudes towards art reposting etiquette combined with a language barrier.

You will, and no doubt already have, encountered people who will argue with you, like the people I describe above. “You should be grateful for the bigger audience!” “We just want to appreciate your art, how can you be so horrible?” “We’re all fans together!” “This is fanart and doesn’t belong to you anyway!” Etc. etc. etc. It’s exhausting, it’s repetitive, it’s neverending, and you already felt awful before it even began and the stress just continues to build.

So I personally have just begun reporting people, if the service allows it. Use DMCA takedown request forms (and YES, even if it’s fanart it’s still yours if you drew it). This is stressful too because it sends your real name + info to the reposter (and wow I clearly can’t trust these people to begin with, why would I want them to have that???) but most sites (facebook, instagram, certainly tumblr, twitter) are very efficient and responsive, and in the end the relief of receiving that email that the art has been taken down is worth it. Especially with facebook, they also send a scary official warning email to the reposters which I sincerely hope will help educate them and discourage future art thefts.

I try to avoid posting public urls because yes I’m aware how mob mentality Tumblr can get, but sometimes it’s just too much. There’s no convenient form of getting my content removed (perhaps bc it’s in a compilation with a ton of other content), or for some reason my attempts to communicate have failed. In those times I have occasionally asked my followers to help, with a reminder to PLEASE always be polite and respectful, regardless of the offense. Y’all have been amazing, and this has saved me many nights of crying in the past.

I will sometimes also write lengthy posts (like this one!) to help educate. Because I do feel that art theft will continue so long as people don’t understand what it does to artists, and it’s up to the community as a whole to make that change, which also depends heavily on the consumers not just creators. A lot of art theft really isn’t intentionally meant to harm, but IS super ignorant.

But in the end, all I’ve ranted about so far is how I’ve dealt with actually removing/dealing with the shit. But the emotional pain, it builds. Sometimes, when it’s too frequent and the stolen art gets way more attention than my original that I worked my ass off on that basically flunked on my own platforms, I feel a bit of me break.

And in the end, it’s up to you what that threshold is, where posting art and feeling good about it is overwhelmed by the pain, fear, and anxiety of art theft. I’ve crossed my own threshold too many times, and once had to take an art hiatus because of it (fandom was BH6). This lead to a break in my productivity and motivation and my eventual complete departure form the fandom. I’ve seen many other artists just stop posting art entirely or moving everything to private. It’s terrible, but my feelings are with these artists, and I feel so, so sorry that they were hurt so much to the extent they had to do this.

With my current fandom and followers, I feel that regardless of how niche an audience my content tends to be geared for, I have a community that is really satisfying for me to create for, one that is responsive to me and gives me tons of feedback. This is the number one reason why i continue to feel motivated to post a ton of online content despite the risks.

The takeaway form this long meandering post: Posting online is a hobby, it’s for fun, and I don’t make any money off my public audience (unless they come to Patreon! LOL!), so I’m a firm believer that once the anxiety + misery starts outweighing anything positive you personally may get from sharing online, which for me heavily depends on my audience and their responsiveness, there’s no reason to subject yourself to that anymore and you are in no way obligated to stay. There are various methods to more efficiently get rid of art thefts without dealing with them in person which is stressful AF, and also ways of marking up your content in ways that may look less aesthetically pleasing, but will hopefully discourage art thefts, and at the very least give them very little leg to stand on should they do it anyway. How forgiving you are in art thefts also depends on you, but the more forgiving you are, the more it can get away from you. And in the end, YOU as a human are more important than any complaints about art looking less pleasing or the feelings of art thefts who don’t get to do what they want with YOUR hard work.

Sorry this was so disjointed and literally just me spewing at you, but I hope some of it was helpful ^ ^; Please let me know if I can give you any other advice, and I’m sorry again that you have to deal with this ;_;

(and to respond to your second ask, I do try to respond to most of my asks, but sometimes it takes a while (sometimes even months orz), especially if it’s one that requires a lengthy detailed answer like this one ^ ^; thank you for your patience!)