#also about the goal that's about finding a hobby that uses my hands: ive realized recently that both of my main hobbies

[peachcitt]

normally i never make resolutions because im of the opinion that you can change your life whenever you want and technically speaking any day of the year can be the start of a new year. that being said. my past year was kind of garbage.

so! i have decided to be more keen on new years resolutions, especially making ones that will hopefully make me feel better if something i can't control affects me negatively. i actually made a huge list of resolutions, more than i put here, that all kind of boil down to trying out ways to make my life more comfortable and fulfilling for myself and the people around me.

happy new year everybody i hope this year treats us all kindly :)

[tough-girl9]

The Stars To Hold Our Destiny

Summary:  As the brand-new Enterprise-D prepares for its first mission, Captain Picard has a conversation with his new second officer about shift schedules, William Shakespeare, and humanity. "It is not in the stars to hold our destiny, but in ourselves."

Also posted on FFN and AO3

Captain Jean-Luc Picard took an absent sip of earl grey and frowned thoughtfully at the information displaying on his desktop monitor. Behind him, diluted light filtered through the window from Starbase 96 where the Enterprise was currently docked. Tomorrow, they would begin the journey to Farpoint Station, where they were set to rendezvous with the remainder of the assigned crew. On the surface, it seemed like an easy enough mission, but Picard was not convinced it was as simple as it initially appeared. He took another sip and opened the file on Deneb IV and the limited information that Starfleet had provided about the Bandi and their mysterious construction methods.

His perusal was interrupted by a soft chirp from his Ready Room door. "Come in," he called curtly without looking away from the monitor.

The door slid open with a soft hiss, and Picard looked up to find his second officer standing in the doorway. Picard set down his cup of tea. "Ah, Mr. Data, what can I do for you?"

The android approached, stopping directly in front of the desk with a PADD in his hand. "Sir, I have been reviewing my shift assignments for the next two weeks and I believe I have discovered several errors in my schedule."

Picard frowned as he took the PADD, aware of Data's strange, golden stare as he viewed the schedule that he had written up for his senior officers the previous day. Though it was odd, he had little reason to doubt that Data was correct. Yesterday, he'd seen the android at one of the science stations, the screen displaying information at a speed that rendered it nothing but a blur to Picard's human eyes. Data's record files had noted his exceptional abilities to process and analyze information with a speed and accuracy that no organic species could hope to achieve. If there was an error, Data was definitely the one most likely to find it.

No immediate errors presented themselves however as Picard examined Data's duties. It was a standard schedule, splitting Data's time between operations, science, and engineering. The only non-standard element was a higher assignment of night shifts than normal, due to Data's lack of need for sleep. However, Picard had explicitly discussed that point with Data himself yesterday afternoon, and the android had expressed no concern at being assigned the night shift more regularly than his co-workers.

With a brief shake of his head, Picard held the PADD back out to Data. "I'm afraid I don't see anything amiss with your schedule, Mr. Data. What is it exactly that concerns you?"

"Sir, I cannot seem to locate my assigned duties during these shifts." The android pointed to several of the shift slots on the PADD screen.

Picard's frown deepened a little. "Those are your off shifts, Mr. Data."

"Off shifts, Sir?"

Picard set the PADD down and leaned forward. "Yes, Mr. Data, your off shifts. The shifts during which you are not on duty."

"Ah," Data said, his brow lifting. But then he frowned slightly. "Sir, you are aware that I do not require sleep, food, or personal maintenance. Nor do I have the capability of growing bored. I can easily perform self system diagnostics while performing other duties. It would be reasonable for you, Sir, to provide me with assignments during all shifts."

"No, Mr. Data, it would not be reasonable." Data opened his mouth as if to say something, but Picard cut him off, gesturing to the chair across the desk from himself. "Please sit."

The android obeyed immediately and Picard leaned further forward in his own chair, resting his arms on the edge of his desk, as he fixed Data with a stern expression. "Data, you are a Starfleet officer and a valued member of this crew. Simple because you are physically capable of working non-stop does not mean that it is correct to require you to do so. Not only would it be a violation of Starfleet work regulations, but frankly, it would be morally questionable at best. You may not be human, but you deserve the same benefits as your human co-workers."

Data was quiet for a few seconds, his gaze lowered as he seemed to process what Picard had just said. Then his golden eyes flickered back up to meet Picard's. "But what should I do when I am not assigned on duty?"

Picard's eyebrows rose in disbelief. "Don't you have hobbies, Mr. Data? Personal interests and pursuits?"

"No, Sir."

Picard blew his cheeks out, glanced over at Livingston swimming lazy circles in his tank, then looked back at his second officer. "Well then, do you have any goals, any dreams, anything you want to accomplish, anything you want to explore?"

"I wish to be the best Starfleet officer I am capable of being," Data answered. When Picard made a slight harrumph in his throat, the android quickly continued. "However." He paused and his steady, emotionless gaze wavered for a split second as he hesitated. "However," he repeated and continued, his voice soft, "I have also always had a desire to understand humanity, and, if possible, to one day become human myself."

Picard had only met Data slightly over twenty-four hours ago, and the android's impassive face and eyes made him hard to read, but there was something about the way Data had hesitated before his admission, along with the way he was now staring at Picard even more intently, as if searching for a reaction from his captain, that gave Picard the sneaking suspicion that Data had been mocked in the past upon revealing this particular dream.

Something hard settled in Picard's chest. His hand balled into a fist on the desk as he leaned further forward, making sure he had Data's full attention, his voice stern. "Data, aboard the Trieste, were you required to work every shift?"

There was another slight hesitation from Data. Then he said softly, "Yes, Sir, I was. However, I was willing to do so. As I have said, it seemed reasonable to me to increase the productivity aboard the Trieste by utilizing my extraordinary abilities."

"Whether or not you were willing does not matter," Picard said firmly. "They took advantage of you, Data, and violated several Starfleet work regulations by doing so." Data opened his mouth, but Picard raised his hand. "And yes, I realize you are a unique situation, but that still does not make it right. The work regulations apply to all Federation species, and while you may be unique, you are still a living being with the same rights as anyone else aboard a starship."

His voice became low and earnest. "You say you wish to understand humans and to grow in your own humanity. Well, use your off duty times to do just that. Talk to your fellow crewmates, make friends, visit the holodeck, find things you enjoy doing. I don't know how possible your dream is, Data, but if it is possible in even the slightest degree, that is how you will achieve it, not by running scans and data analysis every hour of the day and night."

His gaze softened minutely. "Do you understand, Mr. Data?"

Data nodded. "Yes, Sir, I believe I do." He stood and gave Picard another polite nod of acknowledgement then turned back towards the door, clearly having calculated that the conversation was over.

For a moment, Picard thought it was as well. Then, almost to his own surprise, he found himself standing. "Mr. Data."

The android turned back towards him, eyebrows arched in a silent question.

Picard walked out from behind his desk and to his bookshelf. For a second, he skimmed over the row of books before he found the one he wanted and pulled it off the shelf. He smiled faintly, running his fingers over the brown leather cover and the engraved title on the front. Then he turned back to his second officer.

"This was given to me by one of my professors at Starfleet Academy. It's one of my favorite books and most valued possessions. I'd like to give it to you, Data."

Data took the book gently and examined the title. "Selected Works of William Shakespeare," he read.

Picard smiled. "One of the greatest playwrights and poets of Earth. You want to understand humanity, Data, well look no further. You'll find it all in there. Greed, Ambition, Despair, but also Hope, Humor, Love. The entire stage of the human condition."

Data looked up from the book. "Thank you, Sir."

"Read it," Picard continued. "But, not the way you usually read things. Take your time with it, think about it, think about yourself. And if you like, I'd be happy to discuss each piece with you and talk about what you discover."

"Yes, Sir. I would like that very much, Sir."

Picard watched Data exit the Ready Room, until the doors slid back closed and he was left alone once again. He took a sip of his tea, still gazing at the door, then turned back to his desktop monitor. The file about Deneb IV was still on the screen, but instead of continuing with the information for the mission, he opened a new screen.

Picard spent the next hour writing a very sternly-worded report to the work regulations department at Starfleet.

[si-nging-ren]

*CRACKS KNUCKLES*

okay. ive decided im going to discontinue the jirou x reader fanfic "wrong number, my bad" for a number of reasons that i will get into in a bit. i have also, however, decided to create an smau for hawks (probably not, but who ive decided on for now) x reader, based on something more personal about me. the goal of the story being more personal is to give me a better layout for how it should continue on and the feelings can be more genuine than me making up stories on a whim and hoping they work. i will give out the plan for wnmb, however, so that anybody interested can still understand how the story wouldve ended.

now as for why im abandoning wnmb.

1. i dont feel the energy to write it anymore. i dont like where the story is going, and with my current mental state and status at school, i dont have the ability to start over or try again. i font have the ideas for the story and just dont vibe with it.

2. mental reasons. i can't stick to the schedule i made for the story as well as i used to be able to, and also personal mental health reasons that sort of keep me from doing so.

3. there are personal life reasons that cause this, but jirou has slowly evolved into somewhat of a discomfort character. i dont want to get into the reasons as to why, but i dont like her that much and bad memories come up whenever i try to sit with her in my head for too long.

thats really all for why i dont want to continue wnmb, but for anybody interested, here was the plan as to how the story was planned out (via notes):

- [x] yn and mina and ochaco do be talking doe

- [x] basically introductions

- [x] same with jirou baku toko yaomomo and denks

- [x] but THEN

- [x] yn and jirou talk :DDD

- [x] jirou basically says that theyre not annoying

- [x] yn says their typical clown shit

- [x] "aidjskjdh thanks you daddy 🥺"

- [x] jirou doesnt answer for a wholeass hour

- [x] "sorry had to go to church and clense from that sin"

- [x] "o-oh okay 😔 daddy doesnt love me"

- [x] "there are so many things wrong with that"

- [x] "😳😳😳"

- [x] "im starting to wish that i blocked you"

- [x] "nONONONONO IM SORRY"

- [x] "nyways what did you wanna talk about d-"

- [x] "......."

- [x] "arling :)))"

- [x] poor jirou just wanted to know about who they are

- [x] "name, hobby, talent, interests, whatever i just wanna know about you"

- [x] yn hops over to twitter all "omg theyre so sweet 🥺🥺🥺"

- [x] naturally ochaco and mina are all "fake bestie wtf are u talking about"

- [x] yn is laughing awkwardly and is just,,, "oh nothing 😳😳"

- [x] (nobody believes them)

- [x] then they ask about jirou but she has to give false info

- [x] except for her gender its fine if she says that

- [x] she hops over to the squad

- [x] panicking

- [x] "guys wtf i think i just committed a crime"

- [x] "nono youre fine what happened"

- [x] "i made a fake identity so the person who contacted me wouldnt know it was me"

- [x] "do they even know you???"

- [x] "YES they said they really liked our music and im PANICKING"

- [x] "okok calm down its not illegal or anything"

- [x] "i think"

- [x] "YOU T H I N K ? "

- [x] "yeah sorry :// but like you did this to yourself lmaooo"

- [x] jirou awkwardly hops back to yn

- [x] "yeah i think that band is pretty cool too im actually friends with some of them"

- [x] i mean its not false

- [x] ":ooo omg rlly?????? theyre so cool aaa 🥺🥺 maybe we can meet one day at one of their concerts 👉👈 jkjk...... unless 😳"

- [x] little did they know

- [x] LMAOO jk

- [x] kinda

- [ ] they end up talking for hoursss and mina and ochaco ask one day if they wanna hang out

- [ ] theyre all "hell yesss 🥴 where we goin??"

- [ ] a bar. they go to a fucking bar. (btw its to celebrate minas new job thingyyy)

- [ ] drink responsible kiddosss

- [ ] nyways afterwards she ends up talking to jirou bout how shes super nice and would love to be friends with her more

- [ ] jirou has gay panic tm

- [ ] like actually theyre rlly cute fuck

- [ ] yn asks if they can call since theyve never heard her voice or seen her

- [ ] jirous all ".....theyre drunk they wont recognize my voice"

- [ ] also shes rlly groggy since its TWO IN THE DAMN MORNING

- [ ] jirou calls her and yn asks if she wants to meet someday bby doesnt understand okay

- [ ] jirou panics and asks if they can get to know each other more first

- [ ] yn is hurt but understands and agrees

- [ ] yn asks to play 20 questions

- [ ] jirou asks if theyre a preteen jokingly

- [ ] yn whines and says its either that or a drinking game

- [ ] not wanting yn to drink anymore, she sighs and agrees

- [ ] she ends up finding out:

1. yn has a cat

2.

3. thats it, yn passed out

- [ ] jirou fell asleep on call later nd they didnt hang up until jirou woke up later and realized that awake yn would recognize her

- [ ] she quickly hung up and then sent them a good morning text

- [ ] bitches be playin

- [ ] but yn doesnt mind theyre a gay, dumb clown

- [ ] yn asks what minas job was since they never found out- god their dumb

- [ ] mina says its the typical teaching thing but its for ome of yns favorite bands

- [ ] "ooh, who are they?"

- [ ] "they said their name was blackbear! pretty sure youve talked about them some times before"

- [ ] "omygod mina you dont understnad if you could somehow find a way for me to find them i would literally marry u"

- [ ] "please dont. but ill try boo dw"

- [ ] she ends up doing it

- [ ] but inbetween then they end up getting rlly close like numerous calls and texts and learning more about each other until they realize they like her

- [ ] yn is super happy all "bro u guys are so awesome"

- [ ] bby girl is vibrating.

- [ ] LMAOO YOU WANNA KNOW JOWNTHEY FIND OUT

- [ ] THEY AND JIROU END UP BECOMING RLLY CLOSE LIKE THEY FRIENDSSSS

- [ ] AND SHE ASKS FOR THEIR NUMBER

- [ ] THEIR STILL JITTERY BTW SO THEYRE LIKE WOAH RLLY???? ID LOVE TO BRO

- [ ] AND JIROU PUTS HER NUMBER IN YNS PHONE AND SEES THE NAME "nd strikes" COME UP ND SHES LIKE "HUH MUST BE A GLITCH"

- [ ] BUT YNS ALL

- [ ] "HAHA SOMEONE NAMED "BBY" CAME UP WHEN I TYPED IN MY NUMBER I WONDER WHO THAT IS"

- [ ] "MAYBE I TYPED IT WRONG" CAUSE BBY IS DUMB

- [ ] MEANWHILE JIROU IS PANICKED CAUSE "HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEYRE BBY"

- [ ] SO SHE HANDS THEM THIER PHONE BACK AWKWARDLY AND YN SEES THEIR OLD MESSAGES AND PANICKS

- [ ] "HOLD UP IS STARS JIROU????? HAHHA NO IM BLIND AN D DUMB SURELY NOT"

- [ ] SO THEYRE LIKE "DID U EVER TELL ANYONE UR NAME IS STARS"

- [ ] AND JIROU JUST SIGHS AND IS CLEARLY IN PAIN AND IS JUST "YEAH THATS ME"

- [ ] ALL YN DOES IS LAUGH AND GO "YO THATS KINDA GAY"

- [ ] JIROU IS PAINED

- [ ] LIKE SHE THINKS THEIR GONNA HATE HER BUT????? NO??????????? SHES CONFUSED LMAOO

- [ ] yn blinks and realizes she should probably confess or smth

- [ ] "uhm, jirou?"

- [ ] "yeah whats up?"

- [ ] "aCTUALLY NVM ILL TELL YOU LATER-"

- [ ] later in a call they say it

- [ ] jirou is rlly smart and all but her first thought was "its cause of who i am. this happened immediately after."

- [ ] some part of her is screaming that its feelings and that she likes them back but she ignores it.

- [ ] like this has to be bad right???

- [ ] nyways jirou ghosts her like a clown and rants to the band b-wordssss gc

- [ ] yn cries to the babiest of the babies 🥺🥺🥺 gc

- [ ] yn asks if she just doesnt care about them now that shes seen them

- [ ] jirou realizes "wait fuck maybe im wrong"

- [ ] spoiler alert: she is

- [ ] she sort of goes "i didnt rlly think that you actually liked me actually

- [ ] yn starts crying

- [ ] (this is over call btw)

- [ ] "why tf wouldnt i?!"

- [ ] "bc you confessed right after you knew who i was"

- [ ] "istfg so our conversations just dont matter ig"

- [ ] jirou is confused

- [ ] like??? she gets that theyre mad but she does understand why so much

- [ ] "listen i just need to know if you like me back or not please. before i start crying again."

- [ ] she decided to not comment on how they were already crying

- [ ] "yes i like you okay"

- [ ] "do you actually?"

- [ ] "yes. istag that i actually like you and im not shitting u. if you want ill go there rn"

- [ ] ".....yes pls"

- [ ] "i need your address though"

- [ ] "oh yeah– its *address*"

- [ ] jirou arrives all nervous and shit

i didn't have anything planned out after that, but it was probably gonna be a kiss scene or something idk

[fairycosmos]

hey i’m super sry 2 bother ive just been struggling and i know u understand how i feel..i’ve never been this bad in my life. i feel so stupid agonizing over smth like my physical appearance but my reflection genuinely makes me nauseous and throws me into a breakdown each time i see it. i cant help but feel like id much rather kill myself than spend the rest of my miserable existence being so revolting and grotesque. i hate being conventionally unattrctive- going out in public is just the worst:(

hey angellll i'm sorry 2 hear you're dealing w this rn. you're not bothering me either, it's cool. :(( also i got your other anon and don't worry, i didn't think you were calling me ugly djekdkekk,, but i mean i AM lol. and i can definitely relate to feeling viscerally disgusting in your own skin......you're not over exaggerating, i promise. you are always going to have the right to feel a certain way about something that seems to dictate so much of your life. countless women are going through it. i struggle with this every single day myself and i honestly don't have all of the answers of even half of them, unfortunately. and sometimes nothing can calm me down from the shame i feel about being who i am, but here are a few thoughts/ideas that soothe me and may soothe you if you allow them to:

1. our perception of beauty is always being manipulated. they keep moving the goal posts and narrowing the standards to get us to chase these totally false ideals, purely because it makes money. that's it. they plant the insecurity, market a fake 'solution', and profit. when we look in the mirror a life time of conditioning looks back at us and the only way to get around it is to be consistently aware of that fact. once you begin examining and questioning why certain features are seen as attractive and others aren't, you realize that none of it really holds any ground. it has very little to do with our bodies, and everything to do with controlling them. it's all the result of a never ending advertisment, and engaging with it for too long is certainly going to exhaust you and fuck up your self perception. the way you see yourself is not as accurate as you think.

2. we are all going to be old and therefore conventionally unattractive someday any way. a defining factor of this game they force us to play is that we will never win. due to circumstance, or time, or just cause we're human. seems like for women we're not allowed to reach a day over 40 without being ridiculed for it. but i really do believe that getting older affords a certain amount of freedom. when you get to that point in your life, you're going to know yourself so much more than you do at the moment. your perspective WILL be different. you're not going to be basing your worth off of how you look because you'll have lived what you're capable of, and it's so much more than.......appearing a certain way for a moment in time. curating a life worth living pales in comparison to looking flawless. and i know it seems like you can't do that because you feel so gross, but you can - insecurity doesn't have to stop you from putting your best foot forward. you are worthy because you're here. you deserve to live because you are alive. at the end of the day, you don't have to like yourself, but you have to like BEING yourself. you have to learn how to enjoy your hobbies and opportunities more than you hate your skin or your face or whatever.

3. your body is here to experience and relate with the tangible world. it is the vessel with which you are able to walk, talk, love, eat, play, and enjoy. it is very very unconcerned with being palatable to the masses. ultimately, that is not what you exist for. it always comes back to that, no matter how much the world demands a performance of you - you don't have to give one. even if the so called audience doesn't like it. it takes time to truly accept that, i still can't. but working on neutralising the self is key. if you can't love yourself, just acknowledge yourself. these are my hands that allow me to create. these are my eyes that allow me to see. they are doing their job. they are okay. they can't be right or wrong. they just are.

4. self destructive thoughts are always over dramatic, always temporary, and often entirely untrue. it's ok to experience those urges, but do your best to find the line between having them and acting on them. it's alright if it takes a while to learn how. as long as you're attempting. that's all that matters.

5. try to consciously practice healthier thinking patterns on a daily basis. realistically consider how you judge others and why you're being so harsh on yourself when you would never act like that towards anyone else. understand that your energy, your presence, the way you smile and comfort and work, what you can give and receive - all of that is more important to pretty much everyone, than how you look. after a while, especially when you love or care for someone, their appearance becomes a total secondary characteristic. nobody is worrying that much over these self perceived flaws you're so stuck on, as much as you are. if they do take the time to mull on you, it's more likely they think something simplistic such as: oh there's that girl who lent me her homework or who always wears cool shirts, or whatever. they're too busy stressing about themselves.

6. attempt to build your own confidence. this is another thing i can't grasp either but. basically. you are going to be you for the rest of your life and that is a fact. the only realize you think it's a bad thing at the moment is because that's how you've been taught to feel. but you can unlearn, you can let go of what hurts. and that starts with accepting what you can't change and controlling what you can - your self esteem, your internal narrative, how you take care of your body and mind. even engaging in small, seemingly dumb exercises like pointing out three things you like about yourself in the mirror, can make a difference. you have all of the time in the world to learn how to be friends with yourself. but you might as well start now. baby steps are good. if you hide, spend half an hour outside, even once a week. get used to the discomfort. treat yourself. let it all contradict. growth is totally inevitable.

unfortunately, there's no all encompassing answer. you can know all of this logically and still feel Bad. and you're obviously allowed to be frustrated, to cry and break down, to have moments where you just feel entirely overwhelmed with self hatred - i can't figure out how to stop them, and i think they will remain with us for a while. maybe the goal is to just to cope with them in a decent way and not to prevent them all together. but those episodes are not an excuse to take your own life, ever. i can't think of a bigger fucking tragedy than the world losing you before you even had the chance to attempt living by an alternative narrative. you deserve so much better. i can't stress it enough. you have a whole open future just waiting for you, a healthy body to see it all with - it's going to be beautiful, it's going to surprise you even when you think you're a totally hopeless case. you're not. that's just another lie. your humanity is never going to depend on your physicality and anyone who can't accept that can fuck off!!! anyway i hope you know that there are genuinely so many resources available if you feel like this is getting Too much to handle by yourself. you're honestly not alone and if this is having a big impact on your overall stability then you're totally entitled to professional or medical support. it doesn't have to be a big deal. suicidal thoughts are not normal and there are people who will enable you to dissect and overcome them, you just have to make the initial choice to reach out. even if your brain is screaming otherwise. whether it's through school or a hotline or your doctor - communication WILL put your pain in perspective eventually, in turn lessening it. please consider it. even if takes you your whole lifetime to appreciate yourself, the fact that you're here and trying and navigating this shitty world is more than good enough. i'll be rooting for you from a place of total understanding until the end of time. please take and let me know if you need a friend. i'll be here.

*sorry if this didn't help. the other day i was having an Episode and nothing anyone said could've changed how absolutely disgusting i felt. sometimes it's like that. but this will always be here for you to look back on when you're in a more fair and objective state of mind.

[29anima-blog]

Best. Convo. Ever.

3:27AM    4/03/19

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!

You both like sad.

Stranger: Hello

You: hello

You: hows it going fellow sad human :)

You: :(*

Stranger: Not actually a human

You: :O same here

Stranger: It's going alright, not really that good

Stranger: How about you

You: mehh could be better

Stranger: I feel that

You: anything particular or is it just life lol?

Stranger: Yeah, just need some inspiration to get me going again

You: aha i getchu

Stranger: How are things on your end? What can make your life better

You: ahh thats a big question

You: lets just say im quite an overthinker

Stranger: I know the feeling

You: So I worry too much about what I want to die with my life etc

You: but im going through a "not giving a shit phase" atm lol

Stranger: Yeah, that's a big thing for a lot of people

Stranger: I'm sure you'll find something you'll enjoy

Stranger: Umm are you in any programs? Like that the school offers

Stranger: Maybe you'll find something you enjoy there

Stranger: Its always good to have hobbies

You: hmm not really im quite an antisocial person so i hadnt considered it

You: i do music on the side for fun

You: but its quite pricey hahah

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: Hobbies can definitely be expensive

You: yeah im currently saving up for some equipment so

Stranger: That's nice, goals yass

You: well what do you like to do for fun?

Stranger: ATM I'm into gaming

You: oo me too

You: although i havnt played games for a while

Stranger: Ahh

Stranger: I play shooters mostly

Stranger: I do enjoy other games occasionally

You: yaas pc or a console?

Stranger: Mostly console

Stranger: A little pc here and there

You: ahh i see

Stranger: Yep

Stranger: I'm just in love with edits in videos I want to be more involved with the community but like you I am also sort of antisocial at times

You: Ahhhh

You: you do edits?

Stranger: A little but I'm really not good

You: ah i doubt that

You: what types of edits

You: i wish i was good at video editing haha

Stranger: ATM kinda like a montage

You: ah thats cool

Stranger: I love the community but I'm just so scared of it tbh

You: ah i feels

Stranger: I've never really had anxiety and stuff, but I understand now

Stranger: There's a few people in the community I have a real hard time talking to

Stranger: Like my heart is bumpin' super fast and sometimes I get a sinking feeling

Stranger: Do you have any solutions?

You: aw one of my best friends is like that

You: hmm

You: well recently she's been forcing herself into social situations

You: umm

You: i would start small maybe just talk to a stranger on the bus or something

Stranger: I hate lfgs but it'll probably help

You: ahh understandable

Stranger: I suck online, in person I'm alright

Stranger: Idk why that is

You: i dont really like social situations but it doesnt make me too nervous

You: ahh really?its the opposite for me hahah

You: in person im awkward asf

Stranger: I can be too, but it's usually when I want people to stop talking to me

You: aha

Stranger: I'm not really one to tell someone to go away or shut up

You: For me it would take a while for me to be myself around you if id just met you

You: like id have to chill with you for a long time

You: yeahh me too tbh

Stranger: Yeah, I feel that

You: i get especially awkward if i like someone and im talking to them lmfao

Stranger: Oh lmao

You: thats the only time ill really be nervous

Stranger: Last time I was like that was middle school haha

You: ahh hahah

You: wait how old is middle school lol

Stranger: Do you play any sports or something?

You: we dont use those terms in the UK lol

You: yeahh basketball and I go to the gym a lot

Stranger: Umm like 12, 13, 14

You: ahh so how old are you now?

You: and are you into sports?

Stranger: 19 :/

Stranger: Yeah, wrestling

You: ahh 16 here

Stranger: Oh boy

You: Oo thats awesome

Stranger: Yeah it was fun

Stranger: Especially if you're good

You: i took up kick boxing recently

Stranger: Because then you can use it as like a line

You: i enjoy it way more than karate

You: ahh right

Stranger: Talking to a girl or something, be like aye come watch my matches

Stranger: Don't recommend sitting with them until after you shower tho

You: hahaha

You: ah well I am a girl so don't think i'd be doing that lol

Stranger: Idk some of the girls out here are spitting game

Stranger: Like when I was in school they were smooth af

You: lmaoo

You: id have to be extremely comfortable around someone to have game lol

Stranger: I'm just saying it's just natural for some

You: yeah ive seen

Stranger: One of my best friends, she had a guy miss his stop and go to her house I was like woah

You: god damn lol

Stranger: They ended up dating for two years

You: wow

Stranger: Yeah man, some people out here are experts, I've only been in a handful of relationships

Stranger: So I'm not the best when it comes to keeping people around

You: ahh i get youu

Stranger: Yeah, a lot of my relationships ended pretty bad

Stranger: How about you?

You: How old were you when u had your first serious relationship

You: aw damn that sucks

Stranger: Like 13

You: aha 14 here

Stranger: Wait what do you mean by serious?

You: when I had my first boyfriend

Stranger: Like sexual stuff or like

You: no just like

You: i dont even know what i meant tbh

Stranger: Yeah then, 13

You: rightt

Stranger: We we're together for a while going to each other houses to hang out and stuff

Stranger: I loved her family

Stranger: Super friendly

Stranger: We just drifted apart and I kinda was mean

Stranger: How did yours go?

You: ah suckss

You: well uh it was great at first

You: i was 14 he was 15

Stranger: Ooo

You: like we had a lot in common and many mutual friends

You: we were together for about a year

You: thinks just got ugly the last few months like he was really aggressive

You: and then yeahh that was that

Stranger: Like how?

Stranger: Idk I was just giving her the cold shoulder without even realizing it

You: at first he would just lose his temper and throw shit around or punch something

You: but then he hit me one time in front of all of my friends

Stranger: Yeah, that's a no no

You: and I was actually willing to forgive him but my friends didn't let me to

You: and im glad they didnt

Stranger: That's good

You: i was quite naive then but

You: nah lol

Stranger: I meant like them not letting you forgive him ahha

You: yeahh I know :p

You: were you in love with her

You: the girl you grew apart form

Stranger: Umm sort of

Stranger: Hard to explain

You: yeah love is a tricky word

Stranger: I tend to use it in the wrong sense

Stranger: Idk, she was really cool, we didn't really share many things but she was understanding

Stranger: Because we were completely different people

You: ahh

Stranger: At the end of the day, she had both her parents her whole life and was sheltered, I didn't so I knew way more than her in that sense

You: ahh :( must of been hard

Stranger: Eh, I had my uncles to keep me in check

Stranger: And even tho my dad wasn't there a lot to help me, he still showed me a lot of things

Stranger: Like never lay a hand on a woman, and look out for others

You: ah i see

Stranger: I'm the second oldest

Stranger: 2 brothers 2 sisters

You: ah wow

You: ive just got an older brother

Stranger: Was he nice ?

You: Well

You: when we were younger we pretty much hated eachother and he always hit me lol

You: but now he's more supportive and a much calmer guy

Stranger: Lmao

You: he had loads of issues i cant really hate him anymore

You: but he's quite a jealous guy so hes scared of other boys lol

Stranger: I feel that

Stranger: Oh really now? Like he doesn't have guy friends or

You: yeah hes been like a dad to me pretty much lol

You: nah he does but like

You: hes scared of my interactions with guys because, in his words he "knows what guys are like"

Stranger: That's true

You: so he would threaten me to not have a boyfriend and shit lol

Stranger: Yeah

You: im kind of glad he was like that though

Stranger: Have you been to a part yet?

Stranger: Party

You: prevented me from doing dumb shit

You: Yeah one

You: not really my thing

Stranger: Go to a few more then you'll see what he means

You: Yeah I pretty much understood from that party hahha

You: pretty much an excuse to drink, smoke and have sex

Stranger: Yep

Stranger: Like we come from different places

Stranger: Out here in Illinois people are like less picky

You: oh really?

Stranger: A lot of my friends back back in middle school lost their virginity to the same girl

You: whoa

Stranger: So like I your brother said, he knows what guys want

Stranger: When I mean a lot I mean like 3

You: damn

Stranger: Idk, I just don't like the idea of my mans being with the same girl as me

Stranger: I've always been like that

You: yeah i get you

Stranger: I'm glad you're close to your brother I'm not close to my older brother

You: ah what about your other siblings?

Stranger: Closer but not super close

Stranger: I kinda keep to myself now

You: yeah im close with him in one sense, but theres a lot i cant talk to him about

You: ahh i feels

Stranger: Yeah, like when I was 15, I stopped talking to a lot of people

Stranger: Depression hit me hard

You: shit :/

Stranger: Yeah, shit can be tough especially if you don't talk to people

Stranger: Just a fyi, if you have issues find someone to talk to

You: yeah definitely

Stranger: But be careful because some people will use it against you

You: yeah ive always been a closed book

You: especially females!!

You: they love having dirt on somebody

Stranger: Yeah

Stranger: That's how my umm relationship at 15 ended

Stranger: I told her what was going on and she told the whole school and stuff

You: wow wtf

Stranger: It was really bad because I was umm sent away for a little

You: jesus

Stranger: Yeah I was out for like two weeks

Stranger: 3 days at the hospital then about a little more than a week at the facility

You: ahh shit :c

Stranger: After that I didn't really trust anyone

Stranger: Tbh I only just started talking to people about my problems

You: yeah i get what that feels like people have broken my trust a lot growing up

You: yeah same really

You: I was forced into counselling and i hating going at first

You: my counsellor saw i hated talking to people so she encouraged me to talk to a friend

Stranger: The person I had listening, I didn't really like her do I stopped going

Stranger: So*

You: and this friend i knew i could trust so i told her a lot

Stranger: That's good

Stranger: I grew away from my best friend

You: Yeahh it felt really unnatural so i just prefered talking to someone close

Stranger: There's just some things I can't tell him

You: Yeah i get you

You: I was scared i would drive her away if i told her certain things

Stranger: Idk I want to tell someone but I don't trust anyone

You: but i still told her a lot

Stranger: It's not about driving them away

You: someone in the family maybe?

Stranger: Its about them telling the person

Stranger: I told you how I'm not close to my brother but we have a lot in common and he's closer to the family than me

Stranger: So I can't really vent to my uncles or cousins

You: right

You: ermm

You: the things you wanted to talk abiout

You: is it something that can be used against you in a way?

Stranger: Sort of

Stranger: It's more or less like I'll say something then they'll bring stuff to just destroy my character and stuff

Stranger: The way we talk is people get really defensive and start attacking you if they don't like what you have to say

You: ah i understand

You: thats a shitty position to be in :c

Stranger: Yeah, I can't tell any of my online friends either because I don't want people to think different of me if they know I tried to commit suicide

Stranger: One of the people in the community I love knows because she was one of the first people I told

You: damn

Stranger: But she told her bf back in the day and he sent me a lot of hurtful messages

You: people can be really ignorant about these kinds of things so i get its hard to talk about

You: what the fuck

You: thats so messed up smh :(

Stranger: It was like 3ish years ago but I still remember it

Stranger: He isn't with her anymore but when I do end up talking to her, my stomach sinks so much

Stranger: And my heart beats really fast

You: crap

You: have you spoken to her about that?

Stranger: Honestly just thinking about her just makes me nervous, not really very briefly

Stranger: It was just catching up and she has changed as a person and I'm just scared tbh

You: ahh damn

Stranger: Honestly, this is the biggest reason why I don't feel motivated. This is why I need inspiration

You: what specifically

Stranger: The fact that she knows that I tried to commit suicide and like I said I want to play a bigger part of the community and she streams occasionally and I don't want the community to know. Because I know I'll get a lot of messages and stuff

Stranger: Hate stands out a lot more than support

You: ahh definitely i feel that

Stranger: It makes me really nervous

You: what do you think would help?

Stranger: I don't know

Stranger: I over think as well

Stranger: Like idk one of my good friends I've been playing with for a year straight kinda did some lame shit so

Stranger: I'm not really trusting anyone

You: ah damn

Stranger: We umm got into some illegal activities and he liked about something and it was something big

Stranger: So I don't know how much he'll do to make the like true even if it means one of us will get sent away to prison

Stranger: Lie

You: ohh shit

Stranger: Yeah, so I haven't talked to that guy in like 3 weeks or so

Stranger: So I'm on edge and don't trust anyone

You: thats understandable

You: given everything thats happened

Stranger: Thanks for listening

Stranger: Even tho I don't have solutions for everything I will try to talk to people a little more so I can be a bit more friendly

You: Thank you too stranger this has been quite a good talk

You: and i never do this kind of thing lol

Stranger: Oh?

Stranger: What do you usually do

You: Nothing really I just swim around in my thoughts

Stranger: Aww

Stranger: I wouldn't mind listening to some thoughts (:

You: Like I know there is a certain person I can trust but I hate worrying people or burdening them with my problems

You: ahh I appreciate that

You: I don't even know where to begin haha

Stranger: It's cool just say whatever's on your mind

You: Okay just so you get a better understanding I'll tell you a bit about me lol

Stranger: I'm all ears

You: Right so ill just start to when I was around 10 years old

You: I always felt different and I was quite isolated from people because of it

You: like i didnt really have friends because the ones I had ended up hating me or breaking my trust or some dumb shit

Stranger: What made you feel different? Anything in particular?

You: and I got bullied for like a year

Stranger: Ahh

You: Uhh well

You: I thought differently to everyone else

You: Like

You: everyone was so much more willing to be ignorant about things just because it made them happier

Stranger: Definitely, I know how dumb people can be

You: And everyone around me would be after small meaningless things and I felt like I always thought big

You: idk what im saying hahah but yeah people pretty much thought I was a weirdo and i got bullied for it

Stranger: A lot of people miss the big picture

Stranger: I never really got bullied

You: so when i was 11 i had my first real real friends

Stranger: A little name calling here and there

You: yeah it really sucked im glad it didnt last too long

Stranger: What we're their names?

Stranger: That's nice

You: hahaha

Stranger: Were

You: I really don't remember now I left that school

Stranger: Awww

Stranger: One of my old best friends was cody

You: ohh you mean my friends

Stranger: He was a goofy kid

Stranger: Yeah silly

You: soz im so sleep deprived i read it wrong hahah

Stranger: It's okay

You: Well there was three of us

You: crystal, danielle and tamanna

You: them three*

You: and there was me

You: so it was a small friendship circle and i was friends with them from ages 11, 12, 13, 14

You: like there was additions to the group but i wont say much about them

Stranger: I feel that we all got our groups

You: but during these few years i was still that same weird different kid

You: but I suppressed that and acted like somebody else so I would have friends

Stranger: I sort of did the same thing

You: and yeah these friends weren't great, they lied a lot, said a lot about eachother (including me) behind eachothers back, spread rumours, told secrets

You: so I knew i couldnt trust them with the things i was thinking or whatnot

Stranger: Yeah, it's tough finding trustworthy people at that age

Stranger: You gotta find them before all that

Stranger: Hormones can do a lot to mess things up

You: so yeah, 14 years old was when I was really down about it, I felt lonely all the time because I was constantly stuck in my own thoughts

You: yeahh definitely

Stranger: Did you think about the same things

You: So I would spend a lot of time on my own which was the biggest mistake lol

You: pretty much yeah but

Stranger: Definitely

You: there was a lot i was thinking about

Stranger: Like what

You: Ahh things about people, things about like, our purpose

You: it got really unhealthy i guess

You: life**

You: i guess i asked a lot of questions which couldn''t be answered

Stranger: When I was younger I always knew what I wanted in life

You: ahh really?

Stranger: Yeah, it's kinda silly and a lot of people think it's lame but my friends and I all wanted to become pro players

You: ah thats sick

Stranger: That was back in the day 6ish years ago

You: its not silly at all

Stranger: It is, in the sense that it's a lot of work and a lot of people don't make it

You: True but, its good to have dreams and ambitions

You: something to work towards

Stranger: Most definitely but people need a back up plan

You: Yeah definitely

Stranger: What did you want

Stranger: Like in life

You: I never knew to be honest

You: generally I wanted to help or inspire people

You: but never knew specifically what

Stranger: I'm sure there's something that'll bring you in (:

You: but that all went to shit when i got olde rhahah

You: yeahh I'm waiting for it :)

Stranger: I'm sure you'll get the passion back and start caring again

You: I hope so

Stranger: Sometimes when I need motivation I watch some videos of people I look up to

You: Theres other things I need to fix first before that can happen

Stranger: For sure

You: ah thats nice

Stranger: Work on yourself before helping others

You: Yeah I know that I should but

You: idk i never really felt worth the effort I always thought everyone else was more important

You: second biggest mistake lol

Stranger: I feel that

Stranger: I was actually failing a lot of classes because I spent all my time helping others and not doing my own work

Stranger: So I just cheated on all my paperwork with friends

You: ah wow

You: damn

Stranger: That was middle school tho

Stranger: Can't do that in highschool

Stranger: You'll get into serious trouble

You: yeahh

You: its kind of like that here

Stranger: Academic dishonesty is a big issue

You: slightly different system

Stranger: Especially if you want to get into a big school

You: but theres mostly exam papers

You: oh yeah 100%

Stranger: Yeah

You: ahh I have such little time to fix up though

You: like last year I was really stupid

Stranger: Why

You: and the year before hahah

Stranger: What did you do

You: ahh lets see

You: so

You: when I was 14 I just fell into a deep hole of bullshit and stupidity and got into the habit of harming myself

You: and I left all of my old friends and found new, even worse friends

Stranger: I feel it, I did the same sort of

Stranger: Did they encourage your behavior?

You: but i "loved" them for the reason that we would smoke a lot of weed together

You: no nobody knew i hid it all the time

Stranger: Ahhh, yeah drugs are definitely something interesting

You: yeah definitely

Stranger: I don't think anyone who isn't there mentally should do drugs

You: dumbest thing I could have done in my situation as it was the only think I was relying on to make me even the slightest bit happy

You: yeah so true

Stranger: Happiness can be tricky

You: and then in that friendship group was this one guy who I wont go into much detail about but we were both mentally fucked up so we were just toxic together and fucked eachother up even more

Stranger: I did the same thing

You: and my mum found out about me harming myself so i was forced into counselling, my mum was getting panic attacks because of stressing about me

You: which made me feel shit so i started harming myself again

Stranger: Awww ):

You: and then at 15

You: is like one of the most important exams we do in the UK

Stranger: We do it at like 16-17

You: and basically i didnt really care much about life so I purposefully failed everything

Stranger: ):

You: here its 15-18

You: 17*

You: and then i left to go to a new school because i hated everyone there so im going there currently

You: and the most important exams

You: well the first year of it

You: are coming up

You: and yeah I'm still not in a really good place mentally

Stranger: Do you know why that is?

You: I don't smoke anymore but I rely on hurting myself wayy too much

You: I honestly do not, and ive thought about it a lot too :/

Stranger: Is it what happened in the past?

You: i think its just many small things that just add up

You: maybe

You: this is weird but recently like im remembering stuff from my childhood that I had completely forgotten about

Stranger: Yeah, something like happens to me

Stranger: It's just weird dreams of the past

You: yeahh me too

Stranger: A lot of it is middle school stuff like dances and stuff

Stranger: Like dates and what not

You: ahh

You: for me its like when i was really really young

You: but idk because these memories seem really bizarre that im wondering if im somehow making some of them up

You: one of them which I know is true is the first time that my dad hit my mum

You: he never did again but

You: I dont know why im remembering it now

Stranger: That's good

Stranger: Umm I'm not sure tbh

Stranger: Do you believe in like the guy feeling and stuff?

Stranger: Guy

Stranger: Gut*

You: sometimes i guess

You: actually yeah

Stranger: Maybe something is going to happen

Stranger: I believe in it, a few weeks back I felt weird and stuff and then it came true

Stranger: Hopefully nothing bad happens

You: hm

You: yeah hopefully

You: idk thats not the feeling i get from this

Stranger: What do you get?

You: its more like me just remembering a bunch of shit i forced myself to forget

Stranger: Ahhh

You: but i just dont understand why im remebering now

You: of all times lol

Stranger: Maybe something that happened triggered that memory?

You: i dont really know

You: like sometimes its in dreams

You: sometimes ill just be daydreaming in class and remember something vividly

You: weird shit lol

Stranger: Nah I feel that too

Stranger: I was always in iss so I day dreamed a lot

You: i know a lot of people say that like things that happen in your childhood affect you when your older

Stranger: Yeah definitely

You: but would it still affect me even if i didnt remember them?

You: cos like some of it makes sense

Stranger: Yes I'm sure it would

You: when i think of these new found memories lol

Stranger: It's hard to explain over text but yeah definitely

You: yeah i getchu haha

You: but uhh yeah, theres a lot i need to change in my life lol

Stranger: Start small, silly

You: where do you even start lmao

Stranger: Ummmmm

Stranger: So how is your studying? Good bad?

You: terrible i dont even study haha

You: im basically doing what i did last year

You: i just have no motivation for it i guess

Stranger: But your future silly

Stranger: Don't you wanna help people?

You: yeah i stopped thinking about that a while ago

You: oh yeah i was gonna talk about taht

You: so uh

Stranger: Help yourself

You: Yeah like last summer

Stranger: GET AN EDUCATION SO YOU CAN GO FOR WHAT YOU WANT

You: lmaooo

Stranger: I just want you to do something you enjoy

Stranger: And not be stuck with something you hate

Stranger: Passion matters a lot

Stranger: And I'm sure there's some guy that'll love that you do that stuff 😉

Stranger: You'll be a major guy magnet

You: But yeah a little before summer one of my friends killed herself because of the guy I used to date (the toxic relationship guy) and it just showed me how different people are to how they actually seem. I basically started hating people and became a selfish prick and drove myself a bit crazy until one of my friends metaphorically slapped me in the face and woke me up. The hatred lasted for a few months maybe

You: i agree i still need to think about what i want i guess

Stranger: Try some programs, clubs or something (:

Stranger: Hobbies are always nice to have

You: yeah id just rather do hobbies alone than with people

Stranger: My friend went through the same thing sort of

You: i still sort of hate most people hahah

Stranger: I feel that

You: its weird but because of that i feel like i can read people and i know exactly what someones intentions are

You: which is stupid but

Stranger: Yeah some people feel that way

You: yeah i always think that everyones a fake

Stranger: My brother feels that way and I hate him

You: so it makes it hard for me to get along with people

You: yeah its really stupid i need to learn to trust people

Stranger: It takes a while but people's true colors come out

Stranger: Start small, work your way up

Stranger: <(^~^<)

You: yah i should

You: i need to do some serious soul searching hahah

Stranger: Yeah, I wish I could help, but I always knew what I wanted

Stranger: I'm sure you'll find yourself

You: ahh well you've been a huge help just by listening

You: ive said stuff ive never said before to someone so

You: its been really helpful thanks stranger :)

Stranger: Listen, at the end of the day it's whatever you want

Stranger: We can leave things here if you want

Stranger: Just remember to take care of yourself

Stranger: And please don't hurt yourself

You: ahh well small steps remember

Stranger: Life is beautiful

Stranger: Oh shush

You: hahaha

Stranger: See you around (probably not tho)- J

Stranger has disconnected.

[collage-portfolio-time]

Interview Preparation

Career Choice : Illustrator

Company Choice : FolioArt

1. Tell me about yourself. I am a 16 year old artist who has been working with portraiture, both realistic and cartoonish, since I was very small. I have won 2 consecutive awards for the international government-run ‘Manga Jiman’ competition, both in 2019 and 2020, winning the youths prize in 2019 and both the youths prize and 7th place in 2020, ‘making history’ as I won the youths prize two years running. The music I listen to inspires me a lot as what I draw can sometimes entirely depend on what I am listening to at the time. I have had a major interest in manga and anime since I was young and that has also influenced my style of work and the fandoms I go around to spread my collection of work to different places of the internet.

2. Why do you want to work for us? I love the fact your company will represent a range of illustrators, both well-known and up and coming. That makes you seem much more open to different styles of work and experimentation to me which I find myself drawn to.

3. What can you bring to our company? Why should we hire you? I can bring a range of styles. Like Ive said before, I work in both realism and cartoonish styles of work, which I feel could bring more people in from completely different sides of the art world. I can also work with a wide range of mediums, from digital work to watercolors, although I find myself preferring digital for the clarity you can get in an image.

4. What do you know about our company? You were established in central London in the 1970’s and are now working worldwide. You cover all sides of the art world from traditional works to GIF’s. You say you have a personal relationship with your illustrators. You have also represented artists that have worked with well-known bands for album art which include Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and The Rolling Stones, and have also had artists under your wing work with film studios like when Joe Petagna created the concept for the Facehugger in Alien.

5. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What are your career goals? I hope to see myself with enough of a following to simply be able to create for myself and be able to make a living, as selfish as that sounds. I don’t enjoy working for others unless I like their concepts and ideas as I will just simply be uninterested in what I create and end up producing something boring as a result. I want to work to the best of my ability, and as much as the art world is ran on what others want to see, I want to dictate what I do in the process while also getting approval from the people who will consume it.

6. Why did you choose this field/career path? I chose this career path as it’s the only thing I know. As I child I would never let myself do anything but draw, I was obsessed with the gratification I got when I saw that I was improving. That was probably a detriment in the long run as now I feel obligated to work in the art industry because if I don’t what have I been doing this whole time. I feel like I owe it to myself and to the people who have funded my interests and hobby.

7. Can you tell me about your role in your current place of work? Right now I am a college student, so my role is to learn. I will create, be criticized and create again. My job is to learn from the criticism and improve upon myself to represent the collage in a good light as well as myself, and hopefully gain recognition so the collage can say that they taught me for better reputation.

8. What are your strengths/weaknesses? My biggest weakness is my pride. I will become quite offended by the slightest bit of criticism that I think isn't warranted, and yet I am so self-critical that I will rip a piece to shreds if I go a touch out of my lines while painting. It hurts to have my fears confirmed that I won't be the gifted child forever and that I will blur into the crowd of other talented artists in my classroom. It's not only that but also the thought that I spent so long on a piece to be told that it didn’t match up to an idea someone else wanted or there wasn’t enough color, and I find myself unconsciously lashing out, but I am trying to work past that and take the criticism thankfully. Despite that, what could be considered one of my greatest strengths from time to time will be my stubbornness, as I will stick to a plan I like no matter what others tell me might go wrong, which sometimes works in my favor. Technically, I am more skilled with watercolors and digital mediums than I thought I was, as the amount of people I hear struggle with them is astonishing to me as I find I work with them with relative ease, but to counter that I now struggle with mediums such as acrylics and colored pencils as Ive laid off them for so long. I hope to get better with those mediums in the future as I practice more with them again.

9. Tell me about a time when you worked in a team? Were you a leader/coordinator/etc.? I studied performing arts when I was at The Academy Grimsby secondary school. We were tasked to create a script or scenario based on a prompt that I can't quite place now, and we were a group of 4 actors as most people there were dancers. I ended up writing up the entire script that I put together, although the others did prompt some ideas, and almost directing practices. I felt I was forced into a leading position as the others weren't engaging as much as they probably should have, apart from one other person who seemed to take it as seriously as I did. I feel despite the fact I was practically shoved into the lead, and even though the script was probably shoddy as I had never really written besides from creative writing in English, I lead them well considering I was known to be quite antisocial and introverted. That situation made me realize that I was better at controlling situations and being assertive to others than I ever thought I would be, although I wasn’t too strict or bossy from what I remember.

10. Tell me about a time when you faced a challenge. What was your reaction? How did you solve it? I faced quite a big challenge when I created the first page of my 2020 Manga Jiman entry. In the first page you get quite a copious amount of building shots, and while it looked good how I imagined it, I realized when I had finished the sketch that I had never really drawn a building before. It took me two days of constant redoing, experimentation and almost scrapping the first page entirely before I finally felt happy with what I had produced. Nowadays I find it much easier to step out of my comfort zone and delve into architecture when drawing backgrounds, and I feel this experience helped me progress as an artist.

11. Tell me about an accomplishment you are most proud of. Ive mentioned this before a copious amount of times, but my Manga Jiman awards. As they are government run and judges by professional mangaka (manga creators) I think it gives my awards that extra flair of pride that makes me cling to them. The thing I will probably particularly cling to is the fact they said I was ‘making history’ with my consecutive youths prize wins, which I think is quite a good thing to be able to say on a resume. Not only that, but my winning submission for the 2020 competition was given a talk about on the award ceremony by a legendary mangaka Kiriko Kubo, who said my ‘line was neat, the layout was good and the main character was charming.’,’the work can be read smoothly’, and that ‘creating atmosphere is important, and being able to do it like this is an exellent talent’. It gives me pride that someone so prestigious in a world I had barely entered would praise my work so highly.

12. What motivates you? What can motivate me most are two things: approval from others and money. I am materialistic at heart but also sensitive to others comments on my work, so the both end up being great pushes in my art career. I feel if I am being paid for my work that it is worth something, because objectively it is, and being praised for what I do makes me feel validated beyond what I thought was possible, so the two can push me to keep going.

13. What was your biggest failure? What did you learn from it? My biggest failure is the many times Ive tried to work with soft pastels. I don’t know what it is with that medium that renders me unable to function with them but I cannot create a good piece with those sticks of chalk in my hands. I learnt that I am not the best with dry mediums and should probably keep to my paints and digital mediums for now, although I'm always open to trying them out again and again until I get used to them.

14. What was your biggest mistake? How did you fix it? My biggest mistake was thinking I was going to get placed in my first Manga Jiman entry in 2019. I was 15 at the time, so there wasn’t much of a chance I was going to be placed within the top 10 because of my age alone but I didn’t realize that at the time. I had gotten so apprehensive about results that should've been obvious from the moment I was shortlisted, but I was aiming for the top 5 in the placings. I still think that my work might've placed in top 5 had I been older, but the embarrassment and sadness about ‘only’ getting youths prize at the time was almost overwhelming. That experience taught me not to get my hopes up on stuff like that and set myself up for the worst when it comes to things like this in the future, which I did in the 2020 entry. I was simply aiming for 10th place as I wasn’t even aware the youths prize was being awarded that year because there was only 11 of us, and one of the prizes was the yonkoma award for people who were between 11 and 13 containing a single 4 panel page which one of the shortlisted entries mirrored. I ended up getting more that I thought I would've in the terms of awards and recognition which I was happy about.

15. Are you willing to relocate/travel? I am willing to relocate and travel, although i would prefer to do so with someone else I trust as I tend to get nervous in new situations should that be possible.

16. Do you have any hobbies? What are they? I don’t really do much other than draw for my social media’s and complete collage work. I do small things such as singing and watching twitch streamers, but those are few and far between or happening while I work so I don’t think they can be considered big hobbies of mine. I used to bake when I had to take a lot of time out of secondary school due to sickness but I had a lot of spare time back then so it was more possible for me to have hobbies other than art.

17. What are your computer skills/technical skills? I know how to work almost all Microsoft programs, office 365/outlook, and various digital art programmes such as medibang paint pro and the basics of photoshop/illustrator. I also know general video editing such as keyframing and audio manipulation in Wondershare Filmora.

18. How did you hear about this position? I chose to contact you for this position as I had found you take submissions for new artists to represent and thought I'd shoot my shot.

19. What are your salary requirements? Minimum wage and whatever you/the client feel I deserve on top of that, even if that’s nothing at all. As long as I get minimum wage for my work and supplies, I am fine with that.

20. Do you have any questions for me? How would you represent me? Would it be a situation where you would recommend me to people looking to commission and leave us to our devices or would you be there the whole process?

[fuffuster]

Distraction & Self-Soothing Techniques for Anxiety

I want to preface this by mentioning that I am NOT a therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, doctor, social worker, or any other kind of medical professional. The advice mentioned here does come from a licensed therapist and I have personally found it to be helpful when put into practice, but you should probably talk to your doctor/psychologist before trying anything new. I have been blessed to live in a country (Canada) where mental health care is thorough, extensive, and affordable, and I know that there are a lot of countries - even developed nations - where these services are not widely available, and not everybody has physical or financial access to them. These techniques that I’ve been taught are mostly applied to self-mutilation, but can be applied to any other situation involving an onset of debilitating negative thoughts and feelings. I’ve listed some of the other mental illnesses and situations that these techniques could be used for right under the title and trigger warning. However, because I am writing this with self-harm in mind, all of the parts of this post in which I write the goal of these exercises is written with respect to self-harm specifically, for the sake of brevity and to facilitate the flow of writing. If you are reading this to, for example, teach yourself how to self-soothe in the event of a panic attack or onset of intrusive thoughts, you can directly replace all of the words specific to self-harm with “panic attack” or “intrusive thoughts”, and the instructions will be identical.

To begin with, people self-harm for many different reasons; this post is written with the assumption that people who are reading wish to eventually stop self-harming, or find alternative coping methods when the urge to self-harm does come up (which it eventually will). I also realize that there are many different ways that people self-mutilate - cutting, burning, picking, hitting, piercing, breaking bones, pulling hair, not letting scabs heal, and many more that I haven’t thought of - but in order to facilitate the flow of writing, I’m going to use the most common one: cutting. The main goal of this technique is to delay yourself from self-mutilating until the urge (hopefully) goes away, or lessens significantly enough for you to ignore it entirely. There are two main ways to do this: distraction and self-soothing. Before I start, get a pen and a piece of paper, because you’re going to write things down as I explain. If you don't want to use a pen and paper, you can use a word document; but eventually you are going to have to copy this down onto paper. (Note: This is not just a suggestion. A pen and paper are required in order for you to do this exercise.) Make sure that the paper is long enough for you to write something at least the size of a very large grocery list on.

The first way to fight the urge to cut is through distraction techniques. This involves basically finding other things to do and occupying yourself long enough so that the initial urge or craving to cut yourself lessens enough for you to ignore it, or for it to go away entirely. Most of this involves engaging in hobbies that you enjoy. Grab that pen and paper that I mentioned earlier, because we’re going to start using it now. Write down at least five hobbies that you enjoy doing, no matter how small or innocuous it seems. My list would look something like this:

Painting

Photography

Writing

Scrapbooking

Watching Disney movies

Petting my rats

Reading

Listening to music

Learning (Spending the whole day on Wikipedia, anyone?)

Posting Pokemon pictures on my Tumblr blog.

Fill your list in with your own favorite hobbies.

The second method is self-soothing techniques. This method involves finding ways to actively calm yourself down so that you feel less anxious and keyed up. The way to do this (from what I’ve been taught; I’m sure there are other ways to do it as well) is to appeal to your five senses - smell, taste, touch, sight, and sound. Distracting and soothing your senses may give you an edge over your urge to self-harm. Make a list that looks like this, but be sure to leave spaces in between the points (it may be better if you just write one point at the top of five different pages (or one on the front and back of each page), to give yourself room to write down lots of different things):

Sight

Sound

Taste

Touch

Smell

The goal is to come up with as many ideas as you can that will satisfy one (or more) of your five senses. To give you an example, this is what my list would look like - yours may be similar, but tailored to your own specific likes and dislikes.

I. Sight

Keep a picture of someone you love (a friend, a parent, a significant other, a pet) in your pocket/wallet, so that you can take it out and look at it when you’re feeling upset or triggered. (Example: I keep a picture of me and my boyfriend in my wallet. I also have several pictures of my friends and my pets on a board in my bedroom, and on my cell phones in case it happens in public.)

Put a picture on your wall of something that cheers you up or makes you happy when you look at it - for example, something with bright colors, a photograph of a loved one, a picture of something funny or cute, a favorite video game character. (Example: I have a giant fabric poster of all the Disney characters on my wall.)

Keep a poem or the lyrics to a song that you like with you to read. (Example: I have a hard copy of a song that my boyfriend wrote in my purse, and I also have a digital version of it on my computer and online just in case.)

Keep something that makes you feel good - a letter/card from a loved one, a good report card, an acceptance letter from university, etc. - with you so that you can look at it when you feel the need to cut. (Example: I have a copy of my most important report card on my wall, and also in my purse. It was the class that first triggered my school-related anxiety, and it was the first class I took when I went back to school after having dropped out five years earlier. It was also the highest mark I’ve ever received: an A+, the highest grade in the class.)

Keep a piece of art that one of your friends gave, drew or made you in your room, or even in your wallet, purse, school bag, locker, or laptop. (Example: I have an entire wall in my bedroom that consists of nothing but pictures that my friends have drawn and painted for me over the years.)

Buy a cork board (example). Fill it with pictures and scraps of things that make you happy. (Example: I have a board in my room that’s filled with nothing but pictures of my friends and pets, cute animals, pretty photography (or sometimes by own), parts of songs that I find inspiring, interesting or creative art, and other random little things that I found and liked.)

II. Sound

Keep your iPod/CD player with you. Put your favorite songs on it, or have an entire playlist that only contains soothing, calming music. (Example: I have a playlist on my iPod that plays only songs from my favorite band. I have another playlist that only plays soothing or classical music.)

Call a friend/family member/significant other when you’re feeling the urge to self-harm. If you don’t want to talk about what’s upsetting you, call them just to hear their voice. Sometimes just talking to another person can give you enough time to calm down and get ahead of your feelings.

Watch some funny videos on YouTube. (Example: I have an entire folder on YouTube dedicated only to videos that I think are funny. I have another folder on YouTube that has only music videos and songs in it that were popular when I was young and remind me of my childhood (90s music). You can find that folder here, to give you an example.)

III. Taste

Make/buy your favorite foods, and eat it. (Example: I have about ten boxes of strawberry-flavored Pocky in my kitchen cupboard.)

Keep something that tastes good, like a sucker, candy, or gum, at hand. (Example: I keep a pack of my favorite gum - cinnamon - on me at all times. I have one in my night table stand, one in my purse, one in my coat pocket, one in my dad’s car, and one in my school bag. My dad uses jellybeans for this same purpose. I also love soft, chewy, fruit-flavored candy, and I keep a bag of those on my night stand in case I’m in my room and feel the need to cut, or in case I wake up in the middle of the night having nightmares, intrusive thoughts, and urges to cut.)

IV. Touch

Keep a piece of something soft, like velvet, or a childhood blanket, in your pocket. Alternatively, if you’re at home, get a soft blanket and touch it while you do something else. (Example: I have a blanket (my “yellow blankie”) from my childhood which forms “tickles” very easily (you know those still sheets that can form folds that you can run up and down your finger or arm?), and I keep it under my pillow at night.)

Keep a favorite stuffed animal near you. If you don’t have one, go buy one. Maybe make someone you love pick one out for you so that it has a special meaning. (Example: My boyfriend sent me a teddy bear early in our relationship, and I keep it on my bed and also sleep with it at night, even if he’s there. It makes me feel safe. If you don’t have a significant other, you could use one from your childhood. Or if you didn’t have a happy childhood, maybe have one of your close and trusted friends/family members pick one out for you so that it has a special meaning for you.)

If you have a pet, stroke them when you’re feeling upset.

Wear a necklace. Zip it along the chain or play with it to distract yourself. (If you don’t have a necklace, you can use a ring or a bracelet, too; but I’ve personally found that necklaces work the best for me. I even noticed that I’ve started doing this whenever I’m stressed out or experiencing flashbacks, and that it calms me down a lot. Apparently this is also used in sensory overload for treatment with people who have PTSD as well.)

**SPECIFICALLY FOR CUTTING OR SELF-HARMING: I have also heard that other things can help alleviate the need to cut in people who self-mutilate. Some of these things include holding an ice cube to the skin, running hot/cold water over the skin, snapping a rubber hand over your wrist, or using a marker to draw on the area where you would normally cut.**

V. Smell

Keep a vial of essential oils or perfume (something that calms you down; I would recommend essential oils over perfumes, which can be very acrid and chemical-smelling, and can contribute to feelings of anxiety) with you to smell when you’re upset. (Example: I have a little roller of essential oil that I use as a perfume that smells really good and calms me down. It’s in vial with a ball at the end that you can roll onto your wrist, and I keep this in my purse just to smell it, even if I’m not wearing it.)

Spritz something that calms you down on your pillow. (Example: I used to sprinkle a little bit of my dad’s aftershave on my pillow when I was upset, and it would make me feel a little safer.)

Burn incense.

Take a bath. Use scented bubble bath.

Cook your favorite foods (something aromatic).

Lay down in somebody else’s bed (sometimes their smell can help calm you down). (Example: Sometimes when I was really upset or anxious, I would go lay in my dad’s bed, and it made me feel safe.)

Put your face in one of your pets’ fur.

When you’re done making your personal list (try to come up with 5-10 of these for yourself), copy them down onto a small cue card. If you can only think of one or two for each point, that's okay! Keep this cue card on top of/near the area where you keep the tools that you use to self-harm (i.e. if you keep them in a box in a drawer, put them on top of the box so that you have to see them when you reach for the box. If you keep them in your bathroom, tape them on the inside of your bathroom mirror). The goal is to hold off on the urge to self-harm until you can resist it entirely. You will most likely slip up sometimes, but don’t beat yourself up for it. Hopefully you will eventually learn to distract or self-soothe to the point where you don’t feel the need to self-harm anymore.

[themoneybuff-blog]

Four Fermented Foods I Love to Make at Home

A few years ago, my wife bought me a copy of The Art of Fermentation by Sandor Ellix Katz. She knew that I loved to experiment with foods and unusual recipes and figured Id enjoy digging into this book, especially since there was a long tradition in my family of making homemade sauerkraut. She was absolutely right. Making fermented foods and beverages has developed into a low-cost hobby of mine over the last few years. Ive tried and failed and succeeded at making all kinds of strange fermented foods: some that were delicious, some that were not so delicious, and some that were decidedly strange. After many, many experiments over the last several years, Ive come to realize that there are really four things that come out on top in terms of things Id recommend to others. These four items are often being made in our home. They perfectly balance flavorful and useful with being relatively easy to make. (I really enjoy a few other things, but theyre a lot of work keeping a sourdough starter alive comes to mind here.) Here are the four fermented food items that I think offer the most bang for the buck in terms of making them yourself. Theyre easy to make, dont require much equipment, and use pretty inexpensive ingredients. If you make these even twice, youve paid for any equipment compared to buying these foods in the store; if you make them several times, youre saving a ton of money versus buying them in the store. Sauerkraut Sauerkraut is simply finely chopped fermented cabbage. You simply take a head of cabbage, chop it up into small bits, add some salt to it, mash it around until a lot of the liquid comes out of the cabbage, and then store that juicy salty cabbage in a jar for a few weeks. Thats literally all you do. Sauerkraut is something of a family tradition for me, as my father used to make large batches of it every year in a giant crock in the garage when I was growing up. My preferred easy way of doing this is to use a large wide-mouth quart Mason jar and put a simple air lock fermentation lid on top. Those are the only two things you need that you might not already have in your kitchen (besides the cabbage and salt). You might also want some glass fermentation weights, but theyre not essential, merely very useful. The process is about as simple as can be. Go to the store and buy a head of cabbage weigh it while youre there and note the weight in pounds. When you get home, take the cabbage head and remove a few of the big outer leaves from the head and set them aside for the moment. Take the rest of the cabbage and chop it up into fine pieces I usually aim for pieces that are roughly the size of a small matchstick and I discard a small portion of the stem. To that chopped cabbage, add one tablespoon of salt for every two pounds you weighed in the store. Mix the salt in and let it sit for about 15 minutes, then start squeezing it with your hands or with a blunt instrument. Your goal is to try to get as much water out of the cabbage as you can, and the salt will naturally help with this; you dont want to discard the liquid, but make a salty soup out of the cabbage. Do this for about 10 minutes or so. Youll be left with a lot of salty liquid and a bunch of squeezed cabbage. Fill a jar about 3/4 full with the wet cabbage, then pour on enough of the liquid so that the cabbage is fully submerged. Take one of the leaves, cut a circle out of it thats a little wider than the size of the jar, then stuff that cabbage circle down on top, pushing it down below the liquid level. If you have a fermentation weight, put that on top of the cabbage leaf to keep it weighted down so that its less likely that the sauerkraut will push up above the liquid level. Then, pop on the fermenting lid and let it sit for three weeks or so. You might see a bit of white mold on the very surface of it if any of the cabbage is exposed, and thats okay you can just toss that part but if you see any other colors, your liquid wasnt salty enough. After three weeks, its ready to eat! You can serve it as a condiment or as a side dish with many different meals. You can also experiment with future batches by adding other ingredients to the mix, such as shredded radish, caraway seeds, shredded beets, jalapeo peppers, or minced garlic. Heres a great recipe for homemade sauerkraut with more details. Kombucha Kombucha is fermented sweet tea. The fermentation process gives the tea a bit of a distinct flavor its still sweet, but it has a hint of pleasant sour to it as well. I personally like to mix it with a small bit of fruit juice. Again, making kombucha is pretty easy. The only permanent equipment you need is a gallon glass jar, a clean cloth to cover the opening, and a rubber band to secure the cloth in place. If you want to individually bottle it and try to make it fizzy, youll need a few resealable bottles I use these for all kinds of homemade beverages, including kombucha. Youll need to buy a bottle of kombucha at the store this is the starter you can use to get your own batch going. I highly recommend the popular GTs Kombucha brand for this because Ive personally verified that you can get kombucha started from it. Dont worry about which flavor to buy. This part is going to sound crazy, but what youll want to do is simply open up the bottle of kombucha, cover the opening with the cloth, use a rubber band to secure it, and just leave it out in the open at room temperature. Im not kidding in the least. Youll want to leave it for about a week or two. What will happen is that a small layer will form at the top of the liquid. It might look more like a small ball, or it might be a layer along the top both are fine, and the one that forms depends entirely on the type of kombucha you have and the ambient air in your home. That layer or ball is called a scoby, and its a key ingredient in making kombucha. This can take a couple of weeks, so dont sweat it if you dont see any changes after several days. Note that, as with any fermentation, if you see anything that looks hairy or black, theres a problem and you should toss the mixture, but this is a rare occurrence and generally only happens when youve messed up a step. Once that little ball or layer has formed, give it another few days, then youre ready to make your first batch. Youll need 14 cups clean water, 6 bags of black tea, 1 cup of sugar, and your bottle of kombucha. First, simply boil the water in a large pot on the stove. When it reaches a boil, remove it from the heat and put the tea bags in. Let them steep for five minutes or so, then remove the tea bags and let the entire mixture cool to room temperature over a few hours. When its at room temperature, add the cup of sugar, stir it thoroughly, then pour it into the clean gallon jar. Then, pour the contents of the kombucha bottle right into the jar, scoby and all. Stir it for a minute or so, then put the cloth over the top of the jar and rubber band it in place. Let it sit for a couple of weeks. What youll notice is that the scoby will grow a lot larger over this time. Thats a good thing. When you decide its time to try it, youll want to remove the scoby and two cups of the liquid from the mixture. What you may find is that the scoby separates into multiple pieces or layers; thats fine. Keep at least one scoby and the liquid. The rest of the remaining liquid is kombucha thats ready to drink be aware that its not carbonated at all and at room temperature. If you want to carbonate it and add a fruit flavor, add two cups of your preferred fruit juice to the jar, mix it thoroughly, then fill some of the resealable glass bottles mentioned earlier. These will carbonate over the next several days; leave them out on the table and check one of them each morning and evening by simply opening one of the bottles quickly and closing it. When you open one and hear a small popping sound, then carbonation is happening and I would recommend moving them to the fridge and drinking them in the next few days. The scoby and two cups of liquid that you saved can serve as the starter for your next batch. Just repeat the above process, using your scoby and starter. If the scoby is getting really thick and hard to handle, you can easily divide it into smaller pieces; this allows you to start making multiple batches at once. Heres a great kombucha primer from Joy of Cooking. Fermented Pickled Vegetables There are a number of ways to pickle vegetables. Some of them involve vinegar as a way to introduce acetic acid to encourage the pickling process. Others simply use salt and allow the pickling process to occur naturally. In both cases, you can wind up with a delicious treat. I personally like many different fermented pickled vegetables. Cucumbers are an obvious choice, but pickled carrots and pickled cauliflower and pickled peppers and pickled radishes are all delicious. I also like mixing vegetables in this process. My process is simple. I just use a wide-mouth quart jar and a fermenting lid, as described in the earlier section about sauerkraut. I also use a glass fermentation weight or two, as noted earlier. I cut up four cups of vegetables that I want to pickle and put them in the jar Ill cut pickles into spears or carrots into smaller long strips or trim down cauliflower florets or cut peppers into strips. If I want to add some spices, I add them now for example, I like to add peppercorns to many vegetables and dill to pickles. Youll want to leave at least an inch and a half of space at the top of the jar, if not more. Then, I add three tablespoons of salt to the water and stir it thoroughly, then add that salty water to the vegetables, covering them completely in the salty liquid. Ill put a fermentation weight or two on top to keep the vegetables down in the brine, then put on the fermentation lid and the ring. Then, I just let them sit on the countertop or in the cupboard for a few weeks. I usually taste the vegetables at about the two-week mark and then weekly after that until Im happy with them. As I noted earlier, this is a delicious way to prepare cucumbers, cauliflower, peppers, carrots, radishes, and beets, among other things. For most of them, you dont need to add any spices at all, though I like adding peppercorns and dill to pickles at least. If youd like to know more about making fermented pickled vegetables, this is a great guide. Kimchi Kimchi is a Korean condiment that is made up of a variety of shredded vegetables. I view it as being a long lost cousin of sauerkraut, because the two often remind me of each other. Kimchi has a particularly strong flavor, however, and thats due to some of the more unusual ingredients. The process for making kimchi is pretty similar to making sauerkraut, actually. Youll need the things mentioned earlier (wide mouth quart jars, fermentation lids) as well as a blender, as the sauce in kimchi is made up of more than just water and salt. I like to make several jars of this at once, so what follows is a recipe for enough kimchi to fill quite a few jars. Start with a head of cabbage, three large carrots, and a handful of green onions. Chop the cabbage head until its reduced to thin strips, then chop the carrots into long matchsticks. Add half a cup of salt to these vegetables in a big bowl and mix it thoroughly with your hands, then add enough cold water to cover all of the vegetables. Let this sit for an hour or two, then strain off the salty water and save it. Meanwhile, chop off the green portion of the green onions (and save that green part), then dice them. Put the onions, half a cup of chili powder, 20 garlic cloves, four inches of peeled ginger root, a tablespoon of fish sauce, and four tablespoons of white miso paste in a blender and puree it. Itll be a very thick paste add water and re-blend it until its like a thin pancake batter or a milkshake. Take the green parts of the onions, chop them into small pieces, then toss the cabbage-carrot mix, the green onion pieces, and the paste together in a very large bowl. Mix everything as thoroughly as you can; you can/should use your hands, but wear gloves! Then, just start cramming this stuff into the jars, pressing it down as much as you can. Ideally, some of the thick liquid should move up to the top, covering the vegetables. If this doesnt quite happen, add just a small bit of the saved salty water until the vegetables are thoroughly covered. I advise you to keep the top of the liquid about an inch and a half from the top of the jar. Put a fermenting lid and a ring on each jar and leave them out at room temperature for three days; theyll probably start to bubble. When you start to notice bubbling, open each jar and press the vegetables down with a knife, releasing the bubbles. Do it again each day after that. After three days (at least two of which involve noticeable bubbling), put them in the fridge on top of a plate or a pan of some kind, because sometimes this stuff can bubble up and overflow the jar. This stuff is delicious, but it has a very very distinct flavor that can be a love-it-or-hate-it kind of thing. Im in the love-it camp. Heres a more detailed version of the above recipe. Final Thoughts In all four of these cases, these recipes are far less expensive than buying the equivalent amount of that item in the store, and the homemade version is usually tastier because its fresher and youve selected the ingredients to match what you like. However, these food items arent for everyone. I encourage you to try these things before making batches of them at home to make sure youll even like the end product. I really like all four of these things, but I know that even within my own family, some of these things are not well liked. If you find these kinds of foods and procedures interesting, I highly recommend the book The Art of Fermentation by Sandor Ellix Katz as a great reference. There are a number of good books on fermentation out there, but that was the one that really set the hook in terms of my own interest and discovery. Good luck! Now, if I could just figure out how to keep a sourdough starter alive Read more by Trent Hamm: https://www.thesimpledollar.com/four-fermented-foods-i-love-to-make-at-home/

[datingadviceonreddit]

Hey guys,I wrote a guide that’s 8000+ words and I was going to post the text here, but it is too long.I'll put the link of the article at the bottom of this text with a summary of the guide. If you're interested in reading further, you're welcome to click on the link and check it out.Let me know what you think!SummaryPart I. Introduction• Attractiveness and confidence aren’t traits you’re born with – they’re traits you develop.• The dating game is a game of first impressions. Women will NOT see your integrity, personality, or glorious life goals at first glance. Instead, they’ll see your body language, your physical attractiveness, and your fashion sense.• The dating game is the human equivalent of the “mating dance” of other species. The strongest, most confident, most attractive men win the ladies… while the guys who want girls to “accept them for who they are,” don’t.• Becoming naturally attractive and confident isn’t about becoming someone else – it’s about becoming the most attractive and confident version of yourself. Authenticity is important.Part II. Attitude• Your beliefs are basically your habits of thought – things you think about consistently and automatically. Your beliefs about yourself will dictate how successful or unsuccessful you’ll be with women.• You can change your beliefs. (Not instantly or easily, but you can.)• Anxiety with women is an unfortunate side effect of a survival mechanism Mother Nature has hard-wired into us. It’s the same survival mechanism that keeps us safe from life-threatening situations… even though your life is never in danger when meeting women.• Toxic beliefs all lead to inaction, and inaction leads to many years of missed opportunities with women.• There are three ways to change a toxic belief: (1) By proving it’s illogical, (2) By letting it run its course, and then telling it to “get lost,” and (3) By uncovering the deepest, dirtiest toxic belief you have, and then realizing how crazy it is.PART III. Body Language• Many times, a confident attitude manifests in attractive body language. But the opposite is also true: Practicing attractive body language also grows you a more confident attitude.• Men are meant to be out there – running trails, climbing mountains, swimming the oceans. Getting up and moving is the first and best way to acquire better posture.• Want to look sexy while walking? Observe male catwalk models – they rely on their walk to make a living. Take larger strides, walk at a reasonably fast pace, look straight forward… and sway your shoulders, not your hips.• Your eyes are the windows to your soul – if you’re insecure and submissive, you’ll naturally avoid eye contact. Practice holding confident eye contact with other people, especially women – as long as you don’t look creepy, it will help boost your confidence.• Smile sparingly. Your smiles should be easy and genuine; they should make the sides of your eyes crinkle; and they should show at least the top row of your teeth.• Deeper voices are more masculine, and women find them more attractive. Practice a deeper voice tone by removing nasal whine, by speaking slowly, and by never ending your sentences with nervous laughter.• Be absolutely comfortable with touching other people, especially women. Practice confident touching by shaking hands and giving high-fives whenever appropriate – and when touching women you like, let your touch linger a few seconds longer than normal.• When seated and chatting with someone, do you lean forward or backward? A forward lean means you’re respectfully paying attention, but it’s also submissive. Practice leaning back more often – you’ll look more dominant and confident.Part IV: Physical Attractiveness• Get fit. The key is to find a workout regimen or physical activity that fits your budget and lifestyle, and can be baked into your daily routine seamlessly.• Garbage in, garbage out: The nutrition you give your body has a direct effect on how attractive and confident you’ll be. Eat right, and check with your dietitian for tips.• Get plenty of rest. It’s only through rest that the body builds muscle and grows stronger. Be sure to space your workouts by a few days, or until the muscle fatigue wears off.• How often do you shower? Brush? Cut your nails? Shave? Get a haircut? The better your grooming habits are, the more confident and attractive you’ll feel.• Clothes make the man. Check your fashion sense and ask yourself: What changes can I make to improve my interactions with other people – especially women?Part V. Lifestyle• You can’t just be satisfied with work and home life, and expect to be successful with women. You’ll need an interesting life outside of work and home, otherwise there’s nothing for women to discover.• Set your priorities. Reduce your obligations to a bare minimum, allocate enough time for personal growth and self-care… and then spend the rest of the time building an interesting lifestyle.• Have at least 2-3 hobbies. You can choose among traveling, exercise, and art. What skills do you want to get better at, what experiences do you want to get more of, and which activities have you ever wanted to do, but never had the time? Start with those.Here is the link to the article:http://ift.tt/2r433vU via /r/dating_advice

[themoneybuff-blog]

Four Fermented Foods I Love to Make at Home

A few years ago, my wife bought me a copy of The Art of Fermentation by Sandor Ellix Katz. She knew that I loved to experiment with foods and unusual recipes and figured Id enjoy digging into this book, especially since there was a long tradition in my family of making homemade sauerkraut. She was absolutely right. Making fermented foods and beverages has developed into a low-cost hobby of mine over the last few years. Ive tried and failed and succeeded at making all kinds of strange fermented foods: some that were delicious, some that were not so delicious, and some that were decidedly strange. After many, many experiments over the last several years, Ive come to realize that there are really four things that come out on top in terms of things Id recommend to others. These four items are often being made in our home. They perfectly balance flavorful and useful with being relatively easy to make. (I really enjoy a few other things, but theyre a lot of work keeping a sourdough starter alive comes to mind here.) Here are the four fermented food items that I think offer the most bang for the buck in terms of making them yourself. Theyre easy to make, dont require much equipment, and use pretty inexpensive ingredients. If you make these even twice, youve paid for any equipment compared to buying these foods in the store; if you make them several times, youre saving a ton of money versus buying them in the store. Sauerkraut Sauerkraut is simply finely chopped fermented cabbage. You simply take a head of cabbage, chop it up into small bits, add some salt to it, mash it around until a lot of the liquid comes out of the cabbage, and then store that juicy salty cabbage in a jar for a few weeks. Thats literally all you do. Sauerkraut is something of a family tradition for me, as my father used to make large batches of it every year in a giant crock in the garage when I was growing up. My preferred easy way of doing this is to use a large wide-mouth quart Mason jar and put a simple air lock fermentation lid on top. Those are the only two things you need that you might not already have in your kitchen (besides the cabbage and salt). You might also want some glass fermentation weights, but theyre not essential, merely very useful. The process is about as simple as can be. Go to the store and buy a head of cabbage weigh it while youre there and note the weight in pounds. When you get home, take the cabbage head and remove a few of the big outer leaves from the head and set them aside for the moment. Take the rest of the cabbage and chop it up into fine pieces I usually aim for pieces that are roughly the size of a small matchstick and I discard a small portion of the stem. To that chopped cabbage, add one tablespoon of salt for every two pounds you weighed in the store. Mix the salt in and let it sit for about 15 minutes, then start squeezing it with your hands or with a blunt instrument. Your goal is to try to get as much water out of the cabbage as you can, and the salt will naturally help with this; you dont want to discard the liquid, but make a salty soup out of the cabbage. Do this for about 10 minutes or so. Youll be left with a lot of salty liquid and a bunch of squeezed cabbage. Fill a jar about 3/4 full with the wet cabbage, then pour on enough of the liquid so that the cabbage is fully submerged. Take one of the leaves, cut a circle out of it thats a little wider than the size of the jar, then stuff that cabbage circle down on top, pushing it down below the liquid level. If you have a fermentation weight, put that on top of the cabbage leaf to keep it weighted down so that its less likely that the sauerkraut will push up above the liquid level. Then, pop on the fermenting lid and let it sit for three weeks or so. You might see a bit of white mold on the very surface of it if any of the cabbage is exposed, and thats okay you can just toss that part but if you see any other colors, your liquid wasnt salty enough. After three weeks, its ready to eat! You can serve it as a condiment or as a side dish with many different meals. You can also experiment with future batches by adding other ingredients to the mix, such as shredded radish, caraway seeds, shredded beets, jalapeo peppers, or minced garlic. Heres a great recipe for homemade sauerkraut with more details. Kombucha Kombucha is fermented sweet tea. The fermentation process gives the tea a bit of a distinct flavor its still sweet, but it has a hint of pleasant sour to it as well. I personally like to mix it with a small bit of fruit juice. Again, making kombucha is pretty easy. The only permanent equipment you need is a gallon glass jar, a clean cloth to cover the opening, and a rubber band to secure the cloth in place. If you want to individually bottle it and try to make it fizzy, youll need a few resealable bottles I use these for all kinds of homemade beverages, including kombucha. Youll need to buy a bottle of kombucha at the store this is the starter you can use to get your own batch going. I highly recommend the popular GTs Kombucha brand for this because Ive personally verified that you can get kombucha started from it. Dont worry about which flavor to buy. This part is going to sound crazy, but what youll want to do is simply open up the bottle of kombucha, cover the opening with the cloth, use a rubber band to secure it, and just leave it out in the open at room temperature. Im not kidding in the least. Youll want to leave it for about a week or two. What will happen is that a small layer will form at the top of the liquid. It might look more like a small ball, or it might be a layer along the top both are fine, and the one that forms depends entirely on the type of kombucha you have and the ambient air in your home. That layer or ball is called a scoby, and its a key ingredient in making kombucha. This can take a couple of weeks, so dont sweat it if you dont see any changes after several days. Note that, as with any fermentation, if you see anything that looks hairy or black, theres a problem and you should toss the mixture, but this is a rare occurrence and generally only happens when youve messed up a step. Once that little ball or layer has formed, give it another few days, then youre ready to make your first batch. Youll need 14 cups clean water, 6 bags of black tea, 1 cup of sugar, and your bottle of kombucha. First, simply boil the water in a large pot on the stove. When it reaches a boil, remove it from the heat and put the tea bags in. Let them steep for five minutes or so, then remove the tea bags and let the entire mixture cool to room temperature over a few hours. When its at room temperature, add the cup of sugar, stir it thoroughly, then pour it into the clean gallon jar. Then, pour the contents of the kombucha bottle right into the jar, scoby and all. Stir it for a minute or so, then put the cloth over the top of the jar and rubber band it in place. Let it sit for a couple of weeks. What youll notice is that the scoby will grow a lot larger over this time. Thats a good thing. When you decide its time to try it, youll want to remove the scoby and two cups of the liquid from the mixture. What you may find is that the scoby separates into multiple pieces or layers; thats fine. Keep at least one scoby and the liquid. The rest of the remaining liquid is kombucha thats ready to drink be aware that its not carbonated at all and at room temperature. If you want to carbonate it and add a fruit flavor, add two cups of your preferred fruit juice to the jar, mix it thoroughly, then fill some of the resealable glass bottles mentioned earlier. These will carbonate over the next several days; leave them out on the table and check one of them each morning and evening by simply opening one of the bottles quickly and closing it. When you open one and hear a small popping sound, then carbonation is happening and I would recommend moving them to the fridge and drinking them in the next few days. The scoby and two cups of liquid that you saved can serve as the starter for your next batch. Just repeat the above process, using your scoby and starter. If the scoby is getting really thick and hard to handle, you can easily divide it into smaller pieces; this allows you to start making multiple batches at once. Heres a great kombucha primer from Joy of Cooking. Fermented Pickled Vegetables There are a number of ways to pickle vegetables. Some of them involve vinegar as a way to introduce acetic acid to encourage the pickling process. Others simply use salt and allow the pickling process to occur naturally. In both cases, you can wind up with a delicious treat. I personally like many different fermented pickled vegetables. Cucumbers are an obvious choice, but pickled carrots and pickled cauliflower and pickled peppers and pickled radishes are all delicious. I also like mixing vegetables in this process. My process is simple. I just use a wide-mouth quart jar and a fermenting lid, as described in the earlier section about sauerkraut. I also use a glass fermentation weight or two, as noted earlier. I cut up four cups of vegetables that I want to pickle and put them in the jar Ill cut pickles into spears or carrots into smaller long strips or trim down cauliflower florets or cut peppers into strips. If I want to add some spices, I add them now for example, I like to add peppercorns to many vegetables and dill to pickles. Youll want to leave at least an inch and a half of space at the top of the jar, if not more. Then, I add three tablespoons of salt to the water and stir it thoroughly, then add that salty water to the vegetables, covering them completely in the salty liquid. Ill put a fermentation weight or two on top to keep the vegetables down in the brine, then put on the fermentation lid and the ring. Then, I just let them sit on the countertop or in the cupboard for a few weeks. I usually taste the vegetables at about the two-week mark and then weekly after that until Im happy with them. As I noted earlier, this is a delicious way to prepare cucumbers, cauliflower, peppers, carrots, radishes, and beets, among other things. For most of them, you dont need to add any spices at all, though I like adding peppercorns and dill to pickles at least. If youd like to know more about making fermented pickled vegetables, this is a great guide. Kimchi Kimchi is a Korean condiment that is made up of a variety of shredded vegetables. I view it as being a long lost cousin of sauerkraut, because the two often remind me of each other. Kimchi has a particularly strong flavor, however, and thats due to some of the more unusual ingredients. The process for making kimchi is pretty similar to making sauerkraut, actually. Youll need the things mentioned earlier (wide mouth quart jars, fermentation lids) as well as a blender, as the sauce in kimchi is made up of more than just water and salt. I like to make several jars of this at once, so what follows is a recipe for enough kimchi to fill quite a few jars. Start with a head of cabbage, three large carrots, and a handful of green onions. Chop the cabbage head until its reduced to thin strips, then chop the carrots into long matchsticks. Add half a cup of salt to these vegetables in a big bowl and mix it thoroughly with your hands, then add enough cold water to cover all of the vegetables. Let this sit for an hour or two, then strain off the salty water and save it. Meanwhile, chop off the green portion of the green onions (and save that green part), then dice them. Put the onions, half a cup of chili powder, 20 garlic cloves, four inches of peeled ginger root, a tablespoon of fish sauce, and four tablespoons of white miso paste in a blender and puree it. Itll be a very thick paste add water and re-blend it until its like a thin pancake batter or a milkshake. Take the green parts of the onions, chop them into small pieces, then toss the cabbage-carrot mix, the green onion pieces, and the paste together in a very large bowl. Mix everything as thoroughly as you can; you can/should use your hands, but wear gloves! Then, just start cramming this stuff into the jars, pressing it down as much as you can. Ideally, some of the thick liquid should move up to the top, covering the vegetables. If this doesnt quite happen, add just a small bit of the saved salty water until the vegetables are thoroughly covered. I advise you to keep the top of the liquid about an inch and a half from the top of the jar. Put a fermenting lid and a ring on each jar and leave them out at room temperature for three days; theyll probably start to bubble. When you start to notice bubbling, open each jar and press the vegetables down with a knife, releasing the bubbles. Do it again each day after that. After three days (at least two of which involve noticeable bubbling), put them in the fridge on top of a plate or a pan of some kind, because sometimes this stuff can bubble up and overflow the jar. This stuff is delicious, but it has a very very distinct flavor that can be a love-it-or-hate-it kind of thing. Im in the love-it camp. Heres a more detailed version of the above recipe. Final Thoughts In all four of these cases, these recipes are far less expensive than buying the equivalent amount of that item in the store, and the homemade version is usually tastier because its fresher and youve selected the ingredients to match what you like. However, these food items arent for everyone. I encourage you to try these things before making batches of them at home to make sure youll even like the end product. I really like all four of these things, but I know that even within my own family, some of these things are not well liked. If you find these kinds of foods and procedures interesting, I highly recommend the book The Art of Fermentation by Sandor Ellix Katz as a great reference. There are a number of good books on fermentation out there, but that was the one that really set the hook in terms of my own interest and discovery. Good luck! Now, if I could just figure out how to keep a sourdough starter alive Read more by Trent Hamm: https://www.thesimpledollar.com/four-fermented-foods-i-love-to-make-at-home/