#also apologies for taking a bit to post this

[niningtori]

freudian

pairing(s): choi beomgyu x you, choi soobin x you

summary: freudian - susceptible to analysis in terms of unconscious desires. or, your parents have forced you to be "best friends" with minji, a woman you're convinced was put on this earth specifically tailored for you to have a mutual hatred with, since elementary school. she's confident, beautiful, and charming; and her boyfriend, beomgyu, is just as formidable. he's been a pain in your ass, an asshole to you to the most severe degree, since they got together in college. now, you're roommates with minji, but you begin to secretly take interest in beomgyu's best friend, soobin. it's just that... beomgyu's been acting weird these days.

genre: angst, romance, smut (mdni), lowkey yandere

warnings: smut (mdni!!!), yandere!beomgyu but more like pathetic!beomgyu, oral (f. receiving), unprotected sex, impregnation kink, no real dom/sub dynamic bc it didn't feel right but sub!gyu is coming back in a big way in "our deal"

word count: 13.1k

notes: hello my friends! i know i've been gone for a minute and i told myself i would post this on my bday at the latest... mind u it was in may LOL but this is a bit long for me so i hope that makes up for it a little 🥹 thank you all for being so patient with me. i hope you enjoy, and if you do, please leave feedback—it is truly so encouraging! if you don't like it please spare me i beg you cuz i'm still riding the struggle bus n don't want my feelings hurt

( ཀ͝ ∧ ཀ͝ )

“human beings are funny. they long to be with the person they love, but refuse to admit it openly. some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worse, returned. but one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection, even if it kills them slowly within.” - sigmund freud

-

you’ve never been one to try to work against the inevitable. some would call it pragmatism, others would call it simply being a fucking loser, but you try not to dwell on its meaning. as it is, when your parents forced you to become “best friends” and “practically sisters” with minji in elementary school, you just let it happen. and when she inevitably drew the attention of every boy your eyes happened to linger on for longer than ten seconds, you also let that happen. as the years passed, and your parents forced you to tolerate all of minji’s, frankly, bitchy behavior, you stopped trying to avoid your fate and became as seemingly unflappable as you are now. 

to say that minji is cartoonishly evil would simply be a lie, no matter how much you feel that way, but even you can recognize that she’s nice to a lot of people. it’s just, for some reason, you’re not one of them. when you two were forced to hang out together with friends, she would always bring up embarrassing stories to try to get them to laugh at you, and she's so damn charming, it worked. and on the rare occasion in which you felt kind of confident in your looks, she’d wait until you all were in public to point out insecurities you didn't even know you had. and the one time in middle school when you finally tried to tell your parents how awful minji was to you after she lied to the boy you liked by telling him that you called him ugly—which somehow resulted in her “comforting” him and becoming his first girlfriend—minji bawled like a baby during the mediation. in the end, you had to apologize to her for hurting her feelings. 

even so, forced proximity is a breeding ground for understanding, and you understood minji from the start. in the same way, she understood you. honestly, regardless of your wishes, she probably understood you better than anyone else; but that is no longer the case. for as much as you two have always hated each other, there used to be fleeting moments of connection. her making a snide comment about an obnoxious neighbor when they compared you to her, and you taking care to make sure nobody ate the rest of her favorite dish when she was late to family dinner. you two may have disliked each other, but there was an undercurrent of… something. it was a twisted relationship, you won't deny that, but it was a relationship, nonetheless. however, all of that dissipated like smoke once you reached early adulthood. to this day, you're not sure why. 

yours and minji’s parents pretty much forced you to room together in college, both stating that it was the only way they’d feel comfortable with you two being on your own. regardless of how quickly the two of you would now dismiss such a ridiculous notion, you were both relieved at the idea. it was almost like having a built-in companion. however, very shortly after you two settled in, things went from mildly bad to absolutely abysmal. undeniable, but ultimately menial, feelings of derision from minji became outright disdain towards you. you won't lie and say you didn't become petty in return, and you’ve never cared enough to fix such a strange dynamic, though you sometimes wonder if you should. 

as it stands, minji could hear you getting slandered to pieces, and she’d probably join in. as for you, you’d indifferently watch someone gorge the rest of her favorite dish at family dinner rather than speak up for her. now, after both having graduated and joined the workforce, you no longer have to worry about threats to cut your livelihood off. realistically, you could stand up to your parents and say, “fuck minji, fuck her parents, and fuck you both for manhandling me into being her friend!” but that sounds awfully dramatic, so you won’t.

besides, minji, for all of her raging bitchiness, is actually the best roommate you could ever ask for. for example, she never leaves her stuff lying around, and she always rinses off her dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. the only consistent downside has been the men she’s brought home since freshman year of college, which you declare are none of your business, but the sounds of her… passionate encounters are a real drag. still, you could mostly tolerate them, but her current—and seemingly permanent—boyfriend seems determined to elicit the most perverse sounds he can out of her. at first, you prayed that it was just the honeymoon phase, but it’s been literal years at this point, and the screams reverberating through the walls of your apartment would be an inconvenience to anyone; but it’s especially troubling on nights like tonight, in which you have to be up extra early tomorrow morning for a meeting at work. 

as you clutch a pillow to the top of your head in a vain effort to muffle out the lascivious noise, you contemplate maybe sending a text message asking minji to try to keep it down. maybe you could knock on the wall, and maybe that'd remind her that you're also a sentient human being who happens to occupy the room right next to hers. but you know it'd be fruitless, know it’d do nothing to actually help your situation. in fact, on the rare occasions that you’ve politely requested that they be considerate of your poor, battered sleep schedule, or even just subtly hinted to having something important in the early morning you needed to be well-rested for, it's always seemed to come back around and bite you in the ass. it's almost like they become even more unhinged than usual when they know you need your sleep, so there's absolutely no point in trying to get them to quiet down. still, as the hour ticks by, you become more and more anxious that you'll be unable to wake up tomorrow morning, so with a sigh, you tentatively knock on the wall between your bedrooms. 

surprisingly, the noise ceases, and you really think standing up for yourself might have just worked out in your favor for once, but then you hear minji and her boyfriend snicker, and then there's the damning sound of their resumed activities. she was loud before, but now, it's like minji is being mauled or something. so much for being well-rested.

-

you wake up the next morning feeling like you got hit by a truck, and you just know you look like shit. you try your best to cover your dark circles, but at this point, who are you fooling? when you finally leave your bedroom, you run into minji’s boyfriend, the one she's been obsessed with since college. beomgyu. 

“good morning,” he says with a lazy smirk as he leans over the counter. “did you sleep alright?” god, he’s such a fucking asshole.

“yep,” you mumble as you push past his shirtless body and reach into the fridge for your lunch.

“really? doesn't seem like it. you look like shit,” he chuckles, and while you don't even spare him a glance, you can just feel the smug look on his face emanating off of him and boring into the back of your head.

“thanks,” you say flatly as you fill up your water bottle. you're unsure why he even talks to you, but if you had to put it into words, it'd probably be something akin to the phenomenon of a cat watching a mouse as it backs itself into a corner. even so, you don't know why he bothers with trying to get a reaction out of you. you've never reacted to his taunts very much, but he still seems hellbent on making life difficult for you.

“you know, maybe if you got some good action, you’d understand why minji's as loud as she is,” beomgyu continues, almost as if he doesn't sense your unwillingness to participate in this—or really any—conversation with him.

“i'll keep that in mind,” you say perfunctorily as you shuffle over to the doorway and slide on your shoes before shutting and locking the door behind you. you don't see the way beomgyu’s fists clench at your unrelentingly dismissive tone, and even if you did, you wouldn't understand it.

-

in retrospect, you didn't have a particularly strong impression of beomgyu when you first met him. you vaguely remember him hanging around minji, and you somewhat recall listening to her rave about him against your will. still, her treating him like he’d been molded by the hands of the muses probably killed any interest in getting to know him in its crib. honestly? you probably should have planted some seeds of doubt in her mind when you two were still somewhat cordial, because if you had, maybe he wouldn't be with her today. your penchant for apathy has cost you peace, it seems, because beomgyu is at every family function and in every family photo, and at this point, it’s only a matter of time before he’s your de facto brother-in-law. 

it looks as though his continuous onslaught of criticisms about your appearance, your demeanor, and your very presence have no discernible end in sight; and minji is more than happy to up the ante whenever he's around, which is fucking always. you almost think that you, in some strange way, make their bond grow even stronger. after all, you're pretty passive prey, and it must be somewhat fun to invent new ways in an effort to push your buttons. still, you're older and more jaded now, and you're pretty resigned to your fate. anyway, there's no way to make a completely clean break from them without your family causing an uproar; and for as much as you resent them, you don't want to do that. 

-

you've been staying out more and more these days. after all, you're not getting much sleep at home, so what's the point of being there? plus, you’re effectively harassed by minji and beomgyu every time you have the displeasure of seeing them, so why bother? at least, that's what one would think your reasoning is, but reality is much more complicated than that. and your reality involves soobin, a guy you met in college, who you happened to reconnect with when you went out drinking with some coworkers a few months ago. 

how do you know soobin in the first place? well, you initially met him through his best friend… beomgyu. so, complicated is putting it very generously. frankly, you’re surprised someone as sweet and mild-mannered as soobin is best friends with an asshole like beomgyu, but then, you’re “best friends” with someone you fucking hate, so you guess that’s just how things work out sometimes. 

even when you are home, you don’t speak to beomgyu, who’s at your apartment so much, you wonder why he and minji haven’t just bitten the bullet to officially move in together and leave you stranded; but you're thankful they haven't because the roommate market is in dire straits. realistically, you never did speak to either of them for any meaningful amount of time outside of deflecting their verbal jabs about how you're an undesirable loser, but now, it’s even less than ever. 

you spend the night at soobin’s pretty much constantly, so tonight, your elusive presence at your own apartment is particularly jarring. the kitchen is dimly lit by the moonlight and the fluorescent lighting above the stove, and the only sounds are from you quietly opening up the plastic of the post-midnight snack you’re making. that is, until you hear the door to minji's room opening as beomgyu creeps out and lightly shuts the door behind him. you immediately register his nearly-naked form, but you're so used to it by now, you don't even blink. 

“hey," he says tentatively, but you've never been particularly in tune with beomgyu's emotions, so you don't catch the hesitation in his greeting.

"mm," you hum as you furrow your eyebrows, focusing on preparing your snack. 

"you haven't, uh, been around much. everything okay?" he asks gently.

“yep,” you reply as you focus on setting the timer.

“have you been working a lot?” he probes.

“not really,” you mumble as you begin to pour yourself a glass of water. it's late, and you've been with soobin all night, only returning home because you didn't bring a change of clothes for work tomorrow, so your inhibitions are lowered. you're not as guarded as usual, and beomgyu is intent on capitalizing off of that.

“you should eat some real food,” he suggests, trying another tactic. “i could… i could make you something, if you want.” this is… weird. beomgyu has never offered to cook for you, and while he's made things before that you happen to like, it’s always been in service of minji; and he’s only ever offhandedly remarked that there were leftovers available to you. of course, you’ve always refused, so his present consideration is daunting, to say the very least. finally, you make eye contact with him.

“uh, thanks, but it's fine. i'm tired, so i want to eat something easy and quick before bed,” you say as you redirect your attention to your timer, willing it to move faster so you can eat and get the hell out of here. you push your hair back as you wait, and you unknowingly reveal a darker patch of skin where soobin had unintentionally sucked too hard on your neck. in the dim light of the kitchen, beomgyu’s eyes immediately zero in on the mark. he draws closer, his tall frame looming over yours as he holds your hair back to get a better look.

“what's this?” you balk at his question and his overly-familiar proximity. you try to pull away, but he just steps closer, essentially trapping you between himself and the counter.

“who were you with?” he asks between clenched teeth, his eyes narrowing with a darkness you’ve never seen from him, or from anyone, really. 

you wave his hand away in annoyance.

“why do you care? you're too close,” you defiantly reply. his jaw ticks as he leans down closer to your face, his intent eyes scanning your annoyed ones.

“who were you with?” he repeats, his voice even lower this time. thank god above that your timer goes off, and you push him off of you as you grab your food and scurry to your room, eager to put some distance between the two of you. you shut your door, as usual, but for some reason, you're compelled to lock it. 

-

you think of your bizarre encounter as a one-time thing, though you're still not sure what to make of it. yours and minji’s families have always tried to push the “family” narrative between you two, and beomgyu by extension, so you briefly entertain the thought that he might actually just be buying into the ludicrous idea, albeit belatedly; but that thought is snuffed out when his previous asshole behavior is dialed up to 100. the groceries you buy are always mysteriously gone before you can even finish eating them, your keys are never where you left them, and you swear minji and/or beomgyu are using your shampoo with the intent of draining it immediately every time you buy a new bottle. is this their way of “hinting” at you to kick rocks and find your own place? if so, how petty. getting a new place on your own would be expensive, and while you're not home much anymore, you feel it's far too early in your relationship with soobin to formally suggest moving in together. you'll just tough it out.

among all the preteen-level hazing tactics, though, there is one thing that genuinely unsettles you: things in your room are always slightly out of place. your mirror is slightly tilted a bit differently than usual, the clothes in your dresser are folded a bit more crisply than you remember, and you're trying not to feel crazy when you can't find a few pairs of your favorite panties.

tonight, you're finally home from a long, long day of work, and all you want to do is relax. you realize that soobin's home is a lot more peaceful, but his parents are visiting from out of town until tomorrow evening, which means they’ll be staying at his apartment until then. soobin still kindly offered to have you spend the night, and while you'd be happy to meet his parents, you’d feel a bit awkward with going any further than a simple dinner for a first introduction. 

so you're home. while you thought you knew beomgyu’s schedule well enough to successfully avoid him, it seems that he's awake far later than usual, and he's lounging on the couch when you walk through the doorway. his eyes immediately dart up when he sees you. 

“damn it,” you mentally curse, and it's like he can hear your unsavory thoughts.

“home late from whoring around again?” he drawls. you roll your eyes while taking off your shoes, but he’s especially relentless tonight.

“that's all you're doing, you know,” he continues. “nobody will ever take you more seriously than that. what do you have to offer other than mediocre sex?” there's a sneer on his mouth, which is normal, but his eyes are burning with the same unsettling intensity you registered when you last saw him; and while you’ve usually considered beomgyu as a mildly annoying pest, you start to feel a real inkling of anger. you don’t care—well, you shouldn't care—but it’s like he's dealing even lower blows than usual. you're about to answer with something —anything—but he does not take kindly to your silence.

“see, even you don't know the answer to my question,” he says with a mean laugh. “that poor bastard must be desperate for pussy to settle for you. but easy is easy, i guess.” 

for the first time ever, you actually do respond, and of all the things you could conceivably say, you unintentionally utter a string of words that happen to be particularly soul-crushing to beomgyu: “you're fucking disgusting.” you don't stick around after that, because he clearly doesn't give a shit, so why should you? you could rub your relationship with beomgyu’s very own best friend in his face, but he's not worth it. you’ll go back to ignoring him like you usually do, and you genuinely consider scouring the web for roommates. you even consider just moving out and paying this city’s exorbitant amount of rent on your own. you'll see.

beomgyu, however, is reeling from what you said. for reasons he can't possibly begin to understand, those three seemingly innocuous words, probably uttered without much thought, seemed to dig at something inside of him he can't quite explain. the pain is there, but its source is buried deep down, down, down in his stomach. he tells himself it meant nothing, that you didn't even think about what you said before saying it; but for some reason, the notion that you didn't have to think about it, that you just said what you honestly felt for him, makes him feel even worse.

he's not sure what outcome he was expecting. after all, he wanted to push your buttons, so why did succeeding for the first time feel so… so strange? he feels a sense of unease unlike anything he’s ever felt before. he’d talk about his feelings, but he doesn't understand where they're coming from, and even if he did, who would he tell? minji? the thought alone is laughable. while she has absolutely no qualms about dumping all of her problems on him, he’s never reciprocated. besides, any mention of you quickly devolves into shit-talking. he could tell soobin, but his so-called best friend has been flaking on him for reasons unknown. 

between the two, the answer is clear: soobin. still, having a non-conversation with him sounds unappealing, so he'll simply make soobin come out with him and the rest of their friend group. even if he can't quite articulate his feelings, just getting wasted with his friends should be enough to tie him over. he texts his group chat naming a day, time, and bar. everyone eagerly agrees, even his recently dodgy best friend.

-

being fifteen minutes late is one thing—even thirty minutes would be acceptable—but when soobin still hasn’t shown up an hour after the agreed upon time, beomgyu is thoroughly irritated. he tries to text, but when they remain unanswered, he harshly pushes out his chair and heads to the bathroom to call his increasingly unreliable best friend. the phone rings… and rings… and rings. beomgyu’s jaw clenches as he begins to accept that soobin, in fact, will not answer. then, just when he’s about to hang up, a groggy voice echoes into his ear. 

“hello?”

beomgyu tries to rein in his temper as he snaps, “soobin, where the fuck are you?” 

“huh?” soobin mumbles.

“you were supposed to be here a fucking hour ago. why are you bailing again? are you hooking up with someone without telling me?” usually, beomgyu couldn't care less about who soobin’s latest fuck is, but he feels the barest amount of dread in his stomach for reasons he will soon understand. 

“uh, no,” soobin replies, his voice a little clearer this time in lieu of beomgyu’s edge. “i’m just… really tired. look, i’m sorry i bailed again. we’ll go out soon, okay?” beomgyu is temporarily placated until the following moment.

“come back to bed,” beomgyu hears someone whine in a sleepy voice. it’s too low for beomgyu to pinpoint whose it is, but the dread he feels makes a resurgence. 

“are you fucking serious right now?” beomgyu snarls. “you keep bailing on me because you're shacking up with someone, aren't you?” he's not sure why, but he's compelled to ask, “who is it?” 

“no! it’s… it’s just the tv, i swear. look, uh, i’ve gotta go. i’ll text you later, alright?” soobin thinks he hangs up the phone, but unfortunately for everyone involved, he does not. beomgyu knows he should end the call and grill soobin for some answers later, but something tells him to keep listening, so he does—which is a decision he will come to regret.

“you're such a baby,” soobin coos as he loudly plants kisses down somebody's body. fuck whatever decision beomgyu thought he was making, he’s hanging up now. but then, a voice he’d know anywhere cuts through the haze. your voice.

“mmm, soobin, i need more.” 

what the fuck? 

beomgyu gasps sharply as if he’s been kicked square in the chest, the breath leaving his lungs until they start to burn. he thinks it can't get any worse than this, but then the real noise starts. it’s all a blur, really, but between the breathy moans, the cries of pleasure, the unmistakable sound of flesh meeting flesh, and soobin’s filthy words of satisfaction, what really stuns beomgyu the most is your stomach-churning praise. he can barely comprehend where he is, can barely register anything outside of the noises that threaten to break a barrier within him that he never even knew existed. 

beomgyu’s eyes squeeze shut, and his voice is nothing more than a rasp as he says, “soobin, i’ll fucking kill you.” he’s surprised at how much he means it, because right now, he really could imagine stringing his dearest friend up like prized game; but soobin’s phone has long been forgotten, tangled up in his sheets as he continues to sloppily fuck you. 

“you feel so goddamn good,” soobin growls. “gonna fill you up, sweetheart.” 

you cry out wantonly, and finally, finally, beomgyu hangs up and rips his phone away from his ear as if it burns him. he’s panting now, and he’s unsure why, but his hands are shaking as he throws his poor phone at the bathroom wall, watching it shatter with reddened eyes.

he won’t let you and soobin do this to him.

-

you’re fast asleep after your passionate indulgence with soobin, snugly curled up in his sheets wearing nothing other than one of his t-shirts. soobin smiles down at you before pressing a kiss to your sweaty forehead, murmuring something about loving you. his head whips up when he hears his front door unlocking, and he carefully extricates himself from your tangled limbs, but he’s not quite fast enough to intercept beomgyu before he enters the bedroom. 

beomgyu is shaking with rage in a way soobin has never seen him do, but if beomgyu had the capacity to comprehend it, he’d notice that soobin seems surprisingly calm in what should theoretically be an unsettling situation.

beomgyu, though, is too shaken to wrap his mind around anything except for the sight of you curled up in his best friend’s bed. it’s a brutal confirmation of what he already knew, but wanted to deny. beomgyu can't bring himself to leave the bedroom, but he keeps his voice as low as he can despite his rage. he does not understand why. 

“you fucking bastard. you’re supposed to be my best friend, how could you do this? you’ve been fucking my girl’s best friend for god knows how long now, and you didn’t think to tell me?” beomgyu snarls, his voice low and dripping with venom.

“this has nothing to do with you,” soobin says flatly.

“has nothing to do with me? she may be a fucking loser, but she’s family to me, and you turned around and fucked her without asking me first?” beomgyu is filled with righteous indignation, and soobin’s incomprehensible demeanor shifts from dismissive to awed.

soobin silently stares at beomgyu with wide eyes and a gaping mouth before he incredulously asks, “oh my god, you really don't get it, do you? even after all this time… jesus, you’re either stupid or in denial.”

“what the fuck are you talking about?” beomgyu says fiercely, but soobin only sighs in exasperation.

“beomgyu, i knew you were clueless, but i didn’t think you were this clueless. look, she’s your girlfriend’s ‘best friend’, and even that is debatable, and you’re just the guy who happens to be dating her friend. so what? you won’t marry minji, won’t even officially move in with her, even after all of her ‘hints’ for ages now, so what exactly makes you family?” beomgyu falters at soobin’s words, but he doesn't back down. not yet.

“because i’ve known her for years! i’m still a part of her life, and she… she’s basically like family to me. i mean, i see her every day, i’m at every fucking holiday with her, every family dinner, and i know her better than you do.” beomgyu feels a bit pathetic having to explain his place in your life like this, but the words are still asserted with conviction. his next words, though, are not. “and she’s… she’s not like all your other flings. she’s not supposed to deal with bastards like you who only want to use her.” 

soobin, again, sighs. 

“there’s only so much shit you can do behind your ‘protective brother figure’ bullshit, but if you want to go there, we can go there. what kind of brother figure jerks off to his sister figure after he gets done fucking his girlfriend? and don’t lie, because i used to live with you, and i’ve heard you whine her name in the bathroom a million times.” beomgyu turns beet red as his jaw drops in sheer shock at the brazen accusation, no matter how true it may be; but soobin is not near finished. 

“and what guy threatens every man who ever takes an interest in a girl that's 'basically his sister’ before they can even say anything to her? you’ve been doing that shit since college, beomgyu, and the real reason you’re so scared to see her with someone else is partly because you’re terrified that they’ll turn out to be exactly what you are: obsessed—not because you’re waiting for the right guy.” beomgyu opens his mouth to retort, but he finds any words he might say dying in his throat before they can quite make it through his lips. soobin continues matter-of-factly, no room for debate.

“the rest of it is because you want to be the right guy for her, but you know you can’t be, because to her, you’re just the asshole who’s shacking up with the girl she’s hated all her life. you won’t live with minji, because that means you two would probably have to live alone, so you wouldn't be able to see the person you really want. and you won’t marry minji, because then, things would really be over, and you’d have no chance.” 

beomgyu feels like he can’t breathe, let alone speak, at soobin’s merciless deconstruction of his repressed feelings. he desperately wants to deny it, but when he looks at your sleeping form, the only thing he wants even more desperately is to hold you. you look so devastatingly beautiful like this, and he would say he wants to see you like this forever, but that’s not true. what he really wants is for your eyes to flutter open just to look at him, and for him to be the only one you see, just like you’re the only one he sees. he wants you to sleepily smile up at him before letting him touch you, hold you, kiss you, just like he’s wanted from the day he first met you. his eyes turn red as they begin to ache with unshed tears.

beomgyu swallows thickly as he feebly chokes out his next words. 

“i know. i know i'm… i’m a coward. but i love her. what am i supposed to do?” despite soobin’s unforgiving speech, beomgyu has no one else to turn to with this. he momentarily forgets that the man he’s pleading for guidance from is the very man who’s taken you away from him. and that man is now irritated.

“you're not getting it,” soobin scoffs. “you already have no chance, and you never will. instead of just approaching her like a fucking normal person, you were too much of a coward to risk being rejected, and because of that, you’ll never be anything to her. i’m not going to sit here and help you win my girlfriend over. you don't deserve her, and even if you did, i still wouldn't help you.” 

… girlfriend? girlfriend? soobin is many things, a man-whore being one of them, so beomgyu had assumed soobin was just hooking up with you behind his back. truthfully, the thought of anyone in this world having you in that way, the way beomgyu never could, makes him feel like he’s going to vomit; but to know that you’re not just one of soobin’s flings, to know that soobin sees what beomgyu’s seen in you since the moment he first laid eyes on you… that’s what truly makes him feel like he’s going to be fucking sick. 

he's angry. of course, he's angry. but more than angry, he's distraught. he’s never felt so stripped bare—naked and vulnerable for anyone with eyes to see—his usual arrogance failing to cover the ugliness that's been the crux of his true nature for longer than he can remember. he’s been exposed, belly up, with his insides torn out and put on display like a fucking frog stuck under a microscope. and all the while, soobin has been sitting and watching beomgyu squirm as he futilely tries to free himself.

“so, you… you knew how i felt this entire time, and you still got with her?” beomgyu chokes out between strained breaths. this makes soobin pause, and for the first time, he looks like he feels somewhat guilty for what he’s done.

“... yeah. yeah, i did. i thought, well, if you're never going to do anything, why can’t i? i… i’m sorry.” beomgyu knows soobin is not a malicious person, and deep down, he knows he can't blame soobin for seizing the chance to be with you. if he were in soobin’s shoes, if he had a fraction of his bravery, he’d have done the exact fucking same. but still. still, how could soobin do this to him? he could have chosen anyone else in this world, just not you. anyone but you.

“sorry? you’re sorry? you just sat there and fucking ripped me apart, and now you're telling me you’re sorry?” beomgyu accuses with a bitter laugh, his voice unconsciously raising with every word. how could soobin make him confront his unrequited love for you only to rip it out from underneath him? soobin’s supposed to be his best friend, and now he's stealing the love of his life away. but then, he supposes you were never really his in the first place. he's panting now, flushed and angry and at the very precipice of snapping into something unrecognizable. 

soobin pauses before he placatingly says, “look, i know you're overwhelmed right now, and i know you're hurting. but you—”

“are you seriously trying to fucking level with me right now?” and he's pretty much shouting now. “you don't love her the way i love her. you don't even fucking know her. i know everything about her. i know what she loves, what she hates, what she eats, what her favorite words are, what kind of medicine she prefers to take when she's feeling sick. i know fucking everything about her. you don't love her like that, you can't love her like that. nobody can love her like that, besides me!” how dare soobin say beomgyu doesn't deserve you? beomgyu has hurt you, yes, but he still loves you the most. he loves you so much, it hurts.

beomgyu feels his restless fingers aching, and though he's never really been much of a fighter, he wants to wrap them around soobin’s neck to choke some sense into him. 

but then, he hears the bed creaking. you're awake.

you rub your eyes before you sit up with the sheet precariously clasped to your chest, looking disheveled and beautiful and like everything beomgyu’s ever wanted. you're tired from your activities with soobin, but you're also a little disoriented from the wine you two drank earlier. your voice is hoarse when you ask, “beomgyu? what are you doing here? what the fuck’s going on?”

beomgyu feels his heart clench in his chest at the sight of you. he wants to shush you and cradle you to his chest as he coaxes you back to sleep, but you're not in his bed, you're in soobin's. with a longing he's never acknowledged before, he gently pleads, “c'mon, get up and get dressed. i'm getting you out of here.”

the fog over your mind clears and your eyes widen as you finally grasp how potentially cataclysmic this situation is. beomgyu is probably pissed that you're dating his best friend, and who knows what kind of machinations minji will create to tear you two apart when she finds out. you already kind of resent your parents, so if she spreads lies to them about soobin, you wouldn't really mind cutting them off; but how would that make soobin feel? and if minji wants to destroy your reputation to soobin’s friends and family, you know she'll have no trouble doing it. soobin would try to defend you, of course, but you don't want to put him through that.

beomgyu’s deeper intentions fly over your head, and you warily hiss, “what do you want from us?” 

beomgyu’s breath grows even more ragged when soobin’s shirt slips off your shoulder and he sees the mark he left on your neck. god, he wants to scrub every trace of soobin off of you, wants to erase every memory of soobin's treacherous touch from your mind. he wants to occupy every cell of your body, wants to make you forget about every other man who's dared to touch you. he tries to force the thought of what you two and soobin were doing before he got here out of his mind, but his eyes are watery as he pleads, “i want you to come home with me, okay? please? we need to get out of here, we can’t—”

“i’m not going anywhere with you,” you snap. “you're not my fucking family, you're not even my friend. you don't get to tell me what to do.” 

“don't say that, and please… please don't look at me like that.” beomgyu is fully crying now, and the haze of shock finally makes you register how distraught he looks. you're about to ask what the fuck is happening yet again, but he says something you could never imagine he’d say. 

“i love you. all i want to do is love you. please, just let me show you how much i need you, okay? just come home with me—i'm begging you.”

… love? as a pseudo-sister-in-law? you want to believe that's the case, because no matter how far-fetched the notion is, it's still a million times more believable than a romantic explanation. but even so, you simply can't dismiss the way he's looking at you like he needs you to breathe, which is certainly not platonic, let alone familial. 

you're absolutely rendered speechless, and you look to soobin for silent confirmation; but he's not calm, cool, and collected like he’d usually be. he grabs the trembling beomgyu by the collar and drags him out of his apartment. after he pushes beomgyu out of the door, he yells, “i don't give a shit about your fucked up feelings, leave us the fuck alone!” 

beomgyu is far too stunned and distressed to comprehend what's happening until the door is slammed in his face, but when his mind finally catches up, he goes from distressed to hysterical. he's bawling now, tears streaming down his reddened cheeks as he hiccups pleas to you—and threats to soobin—from outside the door amidst his frantic knocks. 

but it's not enough. he can't hear if you two are shuffling around or talking about him, even when he presses his ear to the door and tries to shush his own cries before going back to pounding on the sturdy wood. before any progress can be made—if such progress were even possible—apartment security is dragging him out of the complex and warning him not to return unless he wants to be thrown in jail.

beomgyu trudges back to his apartment. it's quite a bit of a walk from soobin’s place, but he would rather stumble home than call for a ride and risk someone seeing him like this. he cries until he can't cry anymore, and he's still shattered about it all when he finally makes it home. all he wants to do is pass out in his bed so he can briefly forget any of tonight ever happened, but he knows he'll somehow end up producing a few more waves of tears before he can do that. he unlocks his front door and he can already feel his eyes preparing for more tears to fall. 

but, like always, minji has a nearly preternatural knack of appearing when he wants to see her even less than he already does.

“beomie, baby, what's wrong?” she asks concernedly as she walks up to him from her spot on his couch and fusses over him. he knows he looks utterly defeated, like he's just got done being steamrolled, and she seems eager to console him. in a way, he thinks she's probably a bit happy to see him so vulnerable, because he never is in front of her; but he doesn't have the time to dwell on that.

he's not really sure what to say, honestly. how does he verbalize tonight's events? how does he tell her soobin uprooted his most twisted feelings for the girl minji has an equally-twisted relationship with? he decides that the best thing to do is to let her go, and that he needs to tell her the truth for once. he sighs and pries her gentle hands off of him. 

“minji, i need to tell you something,” he says shakily. 

“what is it, babe?” she asks with furrowed brows. “what's got you so worked up?” 

he pauses and bites his lip as he tries to figure out how to word things delicately. he may not like her very much, but she still deserves better than what he's given her. he settles on telling her, “i think we should break up. i just don't… don't think i'm the right person for you. i'm sorry.” 

surprisingly, she laughs. “don’t be stupid, you are the right person for me, just like i'm the right person for you.” 

beomgyu blinks as he tries to process her reaction. he finds his voice and tries again. “no, i'm not. and no, you aren't. i—”

“why?” minji interrupts. “because of your weird obsession with my ‘best friend’?”

beomgyu is speechless for the millionth time tonight. all he can seem to squeeze out of his throat is, “w-what?” 

“you heard me,” she shoots back, disturbingly calmly. “what, did you finally tell her how you feel and get rejected?”

“... what the fuck?” beomgyu gasps, too taken aback to say anything else. 

“it's been a long time coming, i guess, but i could’ve saved you the suspense and told you what she'd say,” she snorts. “you didn't have to get all worked up over nothing.”

“you… you’ve known about it all these years, and you never said anything? what the fuck is wrong with you?!” he exclaims. did everyone in the world know besides you and him? he hates the very idea of it. he hates that he's been suffering in silence, and hates that you’ve never cared enough to notice.

minji has been incredibly tame during this bizarre discussion, but now, she’s hurt, and she’ll say anything at all to hurt him back. 

“oh, please, beomgyu,” she sneers with a grating, teary laugh. “you were so fucking obvious with everything you ever did. the way your eyes trail after her like a goddamn puppy, the way you never want to hang out at your place instead of mine, the way you always get so pissed off when she wears a skirt that’s a little too short. do you think i’m stupid? do you think i don't realize that touching me makes you fucking sick? come on, beomie, you make that pretty goddamn clear with the way you only ever fuck me with the lights off, and how you only really want to touch me when she can hear us.” 

beomgyu feels like he might throw up, or maybe even pass out, he’s not sure, but he thinks he’ll find out soon. he’s utterly humiliated and disgusted with himself to a level he previously couldn’t fathom, even more so than before, but he just can’t wrap his head around one last thing.

“then why did you stay with me if you’ve known how i feel this entire time?” he asks weakly, and she lets out a scoff at his cluelessness.

“because i love you. because you belong to me. we just make sense together. she doesn't deserve someone like you, i do.” she says it like it's the most natural thing in the world—like she's mulled over her ridiculous reasoning a million times over, and she has.

“you’re… you’re fucking crazy. you don't—” 

“beomgyu, be reasonable. look at her, then look at me. nobody else in the goddamn world would pick her over me!” her words falter a bit as she says that, a few pesky tears unconsciously escaping her beautiful eyes; but she composes herself enough to continue. “listen, i know you think i'm a crazy bitch, but don't you get that i'm the only one who really understands you? i know who you really are, and it doesn't bother me. as long as you take your feelings for her and put them towards me, i won't be disgusted by you like she is. i'll accept you, no matter what. don't you want that?” 

“why the fuck would i want someone like you?!” he snarls. “you're—”

“i’m what?” she asks as tears finally fall freely from her eyes. “insane? i hate to be the one who has to break it to you, but you're just as bad as me. that's why we suit each other. from the start, you’ve only ever seen her, not me. it’s not fucking fair that she gets to have you when she doesn't even have to try! she doesn't have to try to take you from me, she doesn't have to try to get people to like her, she doesn't have to try at all. i try so hard to be perfect for you, and here you are, telling me you don't want to be with me because of someone who doesn't even like you.” 

no, no, no. this isn't how it's supposed to be. his world has been thrown off its axis in the span of one night, and he’d rather fucking die than hear another word. minji latched onto him because she couldn't comprehend someone wanting you over him, and in her own way, she loves him. and you… you're with soobin because beomgyu is a coward above all else. he wants to go back in time and never call soobin tonight, he wants to live in the thinly-veiled ignorance he's been occupying for years now, he wants to be the person he thought he was mere hours ago. lastly, he wants to feel used by minji, but he doesn't even deserve the dignity to feel that way, because he was using her right back. 

“get out,” he murmurs.

“beomie, come the fuck on. you’re letting your emotions get to your head. think about what you're doing!” minji borderline shrieks.

“you're right, you know,” beomgyu replies after a pause, and minji is temporarily relieved. she steps closer to him and tries to reach for his face, but he snatches her hands and keeps them in his firm grip as he continues. “i'm just as crazy as you are, but that doesn't make me want you. i hate myself, but i hate you, too. all your life, you've been trying so hard to be better than her, but no matter what you do, you can't force me to want you. i love her, and i'd rather keep wanting and never having her than keep pretending that i can fucking stand being around you. now get out,” he growls as he forces her out of his apartment and slams the door in her lovely face.

-

if beomgyu really thinks about it, he's always teetered right on the brink of knowing the truth, but he's been successful in fooling himself just enough to keep his feelings tamped down. when minji made a mocking comment about you losing your virginity in college, he'd gone home and cried, but he told himself it was because of the stress of finals looming over him. when he consequently spread a rumor about you being a mediocre fuck around campus, he told himself it was because anyone who'd believe him simply didn't deserve you. and when he'd zoom into the background of photos taken with minji just to get a better look at you, he told himself he was simply scrutinizing your appearance.

every time he stole your panties, he'd blame it on the taboo principle of it all rather than it explicitly having to do with you in particular. every time he’d get turned on only when you were around, he'd blame it on some secret exhibitionist kink he didn't know he had. every time he’d pretend to come in his condom during yet another unsatisfying fuck with minji, he reasoned that he was only pounding into his fist in the bathroom while imagining it was you because… well, he didn't really read into his actions for fear of what he might find.

it's a miracle he was able to live in denial for so long, and he should be grateful that the truth didn't come out sooner. still, as the weeks since the night he pathetically confessed his feelings to you pass by, he doesn't feel grateful in the slightest. he could stalk you, probably. he could threaten soobin and make him pay for what he's done. there are a million twisted things he could do to get you back in his sight, but he doesn't want to do any of them. because you wouldn't like them. because you might hate him even more than you already do. and if he's learned anything from minji, it's that you can't force someone to love you in any meaningful way.

so, he rots. he wakes up alone, goes to work on autopilot, comes straight home and drinks until he's incoherent, then goes to sleep, well, alone. he should probably try to go back to how he was before he met you, but he feels like that was another life—like he was a different person. time seems to be split before and after he met you, as much as it pains him to admit it.

it's a lonely, rainy night like any other when he's home late from work. he’s been here more in the past month than he has since he began dating minji, but he's adjusting to his newly single life as well as he can. the apartment is devoid of many personal pieces, furnished sparsely and lacking any real character. he cracks open a bottle of whiskey and begins drinking directly from it, not bothering to even use a glass. he sits on his uncomfortable couch, like he always does, and thinks about all the things he's done wrong. he doesn't even get the chance to get tipsy when he hears a knock on his door.

it's probably minji again. she's come by a few times since he dumped her, and while he could probably get a restraining order or something, he kind of enjoys seeing her suffer the way he suffered. it's not healthy, he knows, but it's one of the few forms of pleasure he feels these days. something is different tonight, though. the knocking isn't frantic, it's almost hesitant, and it doesn't last for very long. he furrows his eyebrows, and for some reason, he shoots up from the couch and rushes towards the door. his breath catches when he looks through the peephole.

there you are, standing awkwardly—almost like you're not even sure why you're there. you're drenched from the rain, and one of your arms is wrapped protectively around yourself as the other reaches towards the door, perfectly poised to knock again. just before your fist can quite make it to the door, you pause and retract it—folding it on top of your other arm. you stand still for a moment, and beomgyu is simply too stunned to move. at least, he is until you turn and begin to walk away.

with a speed he didn't even know he possessed until now, he wrenches the door open and grabs your arm before you can even react. 

“wait,” he pants, not from exertion, but from adrenaline. “what… what are you doing here?”

he thinks he sees you gulp, but that could just be wishful thinking. your lips part and close again a few times before you manage to ask, “can we talk?” 

“y-yeah, of course. um, come in,” he stammers awkwardly as he reluctantly releases his hold on you.  

what is this? some kind of psychological torture? you’ve never sought beomgyu out until now, which should give him a spark of hope, but he knows better than to delude himself. 

he steps away from the doorway to let you in and lightly shuts the door behind you. he clears his throat and asks, “if you're—do you need anything? a towel, maybe, or clothes. and i have… i have water, if you want. i mean, if you're thirsty.” he hates how fucking stupid he sounds right now, but it's almost like he can't stop talking.

you're quiet for a moment before asking, “can i have some clothes and a towel?”

his eyes widen a bit before he eagerly nods. “o-oh, yeah. just give me a second.” he tries not to sprint to his room, and he prays to god that he has clean pajamas for you. luckily, he's able to find something suitable. he returns to the living room and offers the clothes and towel to you with trembling hands. “here,” he says. “you can change in the bathroom down the hall. i… i’ll put your clothes in the dryer, okay?” 

you purse your lips and nod. he watches you pad down the hallway until you're no longer visible. he lets out a deep breath he didn't realize he was holding and seats himself on his stone slab of a couch. fuck, he should’ve gotten a better one like minji nagged him to. also, he’s been meaning to wipe down his bathroom mirror for a while. most importantly, though, what the fuck are you doing here?

he doesn't have time to dwell on it before you're walking back into the living room. his eyes snap up, and he feels a lump in his throat when he sees his clothes on you. his clothes, not soobin’s this time. it feels like he's hallucinating, to be perfectly honest, but he's fine with that. he just hopes the illusion continues.

it’s all too real when you plop down on the couch beside him, maintaining a respectful distance. fortunately, the couch is not only hard as concrete, but small to boot, so you end up only being a few inches away. maybe it isn't so bad after all. his thoughts are halted when you clear your throat and speak.

“soobin, uh… well, he told me everything he knows, but i just… i mean, i wanted to hear it from you,” you stammer. he knows exactly what you’re talking about, but he wishes he didn't.

“what do you want to know?” he asks in resignation. 

“everything,” you tell him, and he purses his lips with a stiff nod. he's had plenty of time to think about the unfortunate circumstances that led him to his sorry state, so the words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them.

“i’ve always thought that you were so… so pretty. i saw you laughing with your friends on the way to class one day, and i knew i wanted you to look at me like that. and when i listened to you talk to your friends, i thought you were so smart, funny, and… and nice.” his lips are turned up in a wistful smile, and his eyes are uncharacteristically gentle. “but you never saw me, not really. you just saw me as minji’s friend, and i thought—i don't know—that if i just hung around her more, you'd warm up to me. i don't even think you remember, but i tried to be nice to you, to include you in conversation, to stand up for you. i swear to god, i did. but… but i saw the way you looked at someone else one day in the library. i remember it so clearly—you actually smiled at him and laughed at his jokes, and he wasn't even trying like i was. i was so fucking angry, but i thought i could make you see me if i made you as jealous as you made me, and i thought that there was nobody better to do it with than the girl you hate the most.” 

oh, god. you actually feel… kind of guilty? is guilty even the word? you haven't done anything wrong, you know that, but you feel like you've unintentionally twisted the knife in his chest with your apathy. for as much as you've always wanted him to drop his antagonizing demeanor, you don't like how pitiful he looks right now. “beomgyu, i…”

“yeah, i know. i was wrong,” he continues, his soft smile twisting into a self-deprecating one. “i went from being nothing to less than nothing, and it just… it made me desperate. so, i kept trying, got mean; but you never cared, no matter what i did. i guess i thought that if i could never have you, maybe i should stay with minji, because then i could make you feel something for me. even if it was only hatred and disgust—anything was better than nothing.”

“beom—” you begin to say, but he's so lost in his feelings, so lost in the foreign sensation of talking to you and actually having you listen to him, he can't stop himself.

“i just wanted you to pay attention to me. and i could—you know—keep an eye on you. but you… you don't give a shit about me, you don't even consider me as a man,” he laughs. “if i think about it, maybe i was trying to make myself an option for you, at least, and that i could show you what you're missing if i tried hard enough. but you could never actually see me that way, and… and it's all my fault.” he lets out another harsh laugh, making you wince. 

“i… i didn't know,” you say awkwardly. he takes a shaky breath before continuing.

“i've been begging for you just to give me scraps of you, because i thought it'd be better than nothing. all i ever wanted was for you to at least consider me, but you don't, you never did, and because of what i've done, you never will. i know i was wrong, i know everything is my fault; but i just wanted to be important to you, can't you understand that?” his eyes are pleading like they were when you last saw him. he's not asking for much, not even really asking for anything, and for some reason, it hurts your heart a bit.

because beomgyu is right, of course. you’ve never really cared about him, but that's not all of it, is it? you were resolved to your indifference before he even uttered a word to you, and while the disgust you've always felt for him is his fault, can you truthfully say that you’d have given him the time of day if he were nice to you? probably not, because of his association with minji. in your mind, there was no reason he’d like you if he knew her first, so his intentions were rejected before he could ever even understand them.

“i really didn't know,” is all you can think to repeat.

“i know,” he says with a bitter smile. you lick your lips before continuing.

“but i do know that i wouldn't have liked you even if you were nice to me. i don't… i don't talk to guys who are involved with minji. there's just… no point, i guess. and she liked you, and i thought you liked her, so… so i didn’t bother to get to know you.” beomgyu’s eyes are watery, but he retains his smile. he was doomed from the start, it seems. 

“i should’ve just talked to you myself instead of using her to get close to you,” he whispers.

“yeah,” you reply, and his smile finally drops; but what else could you possibly say? if he hadn't gotten involved with minji, you'd have probably liked him. he's handsome, of course, and you can't deny that he's funny. and, well, you two do seem to have a lot in common based on what you know from small talk he'd make with your parents during family dinners.

“i'm sorry,” he murmurs. “i'm really, really sorry. even if you didn't like me, even if you never would've no matter what, i shouldn't have treated you the way i did. i don't blame you for hating me, and i should be grateful you haven't done anything other than ignore me.” he means what he says, but it doesn't sound like it, because he doesn't feel grateful at all. he feels utterly hopeless. in the end, your indifference was more painful than any intentional retaliation could’ve been. 

you are silent. he's not trying to make you feel sorry for him, and you know it, but that makes you feel even sorrier. you're still struggling to form an appropriate response when he breaks the silence.

“i like listening to you talk,” he blurts out, making your eyes widen. “well, you don't really talk to me, but i overhear you a lot. i like listening to everything you say, and i like the way you say it. i like how you look, how you dress, how you laugh. and i… i like how you see the world.”

“don't you think i'm a little pessimistic?” you ask, your lips subconsciously curling up in a small smile. of all the things beomgyu could tell you he likes about you, that is truly something you never anticipated.

“i think it makes you interesting,” he says quickly, his smile tentatively returning. 

you let out a soft laugh—the first one you've ever directed at him—and he can't help but straighten up with a bit of pride at having made you happy, even if just a little.

after your laughter, though, you think back on all the things you've wanted to ask beomgyu since that night at soobin’s. you know he'll tell you the truth, so you ask, “... were you the one who messed with my stuff?”

“yeah,” he replies with no hesitation. the sheer ecstasy of your attention makes him quite forthcoming, no matter how ugly the answers to your questions may be.

“even my panties?” well, that one is a bit more difficult to answer. 

“... yeah,” he sheepishly mumbles after a pause, but his next words are hurried. “and everything soobin said i did, i did. scaring guys away, being an asshole to you for attention, uh, jerking off to you in the bathroom… all of it. i know i'm fucked up, and i know i probably scare you, but i would never hurt you. i just want to love you. i just… i want you to care about me.” 

you take a breath and begin, “i—”

“wait! before you say anything, i just want you to know, it's… it's okay if you don't like me,” you can tell the words are like lead in his mouth, “but can't you just acknowledge me a little bit?” christ, he's so pathetic. you're not used to him being so… sweet? to you, but maybe you could be. 

for as much as beomgyu has been thinking about his failed confession, you can't lie and say you haven't been thinking about it, too. you really did love soobin, but there was always a bit of reservation on both of your parts—a quiet kind of affection that you were happy to let grow organically; but your love was never all-consuming, never desperate, never aching. but beomgyu… beomgyu looks like he'd prostrate himself at your feet if it meant you'd give him the time of day, and he would. 

“i can,” you say simply, and his eyes widen.

“you… you can? what do you—”

“i can pay attention to you. i can care about you.”

his face tenses and his adam’s apple bobs. his voice is strained when he asks, “what are you saying?”

“i'm saying, i’m willing to get to know you the way you know me. i just want to see how things go, because… i don't know, i kind of... like how weird you are.” 

elation, triumph, and sheer relief overwhelm him. he doesn't want to ask his next question, but he feels like he has to. “what about soobin?”

you purse your lips and answer, “we… we broke up. no hard feelings, we just kind of realized we wanted different things out of our relationship, i guess.”

“oh, thank god,” he murmurs as he releases a shaky breath. theoretically, he should at least offer perfunctory condolences, but you two are way past such insincerity. you both know he's over the moon right now, and he's spent more than enough time lying.

only now do you notice that he's somehow managed to scoot closer and closer to you until your legs are touching without your knowledge. the clothing between you doesn't do anything to tamp down the buzzing sensation at the tentative contact. you look back up at him to meet his gaze, and his eyes are trained on you like you're the only person in the world. now that you think about it, you’ve caught glimpses of this kind of focus before—the kind of focus in which he looks at you as if everything and everyone else besides you has faded away.

his gaze flicks from your eyes down to your lips before refocusing. he leans in so close, you can see every minute detail of his face. long lashes, round eyes, slightly-chapped lips he keeps on licking from sheer nervousness. 

his voice is barely above a whisper when he asks, “please, can i…” he doesn't dare to finish his question, so there it hangs, unspoken yet unfathomably heavy. 

it’s like there’s a strange sort of magnetic pull drawing you to him. before you can recount all of the reasons why this is a bad idea—at least, so soon—you tell him, “okay.” 

that's more than enough, it seems, because in a flash, beomgyu cups your cheeks in his big, warm hands and tenderly traces his thumb along your jaw before pulling you in. 

the first meeting is pure electricity. your lips immediately slot together as if they were always meant to be that way—as if everything else was simply an obstacle leading to this inevitability. the hums of energy you feel at your clothed legs touching is nothing compared to the way every nerve in your body is set ablaze right now. you feel him shudder before he reluctantly pulls away. his eyes never leave yours, and the look in his eyes is so intense—so hungry—you feel breathless under its weight.

“thank you, i've been wanting to do that for forever,” he mutters breathlessly, and he should be finished by now, but his hands remain on your face. he gently pushes your hair behind your ears before adding, “can i… can i show you what else i've been wanting to do? i swear, i'll be perfect, and i'll stop whenever you want. i know it's fast to you, but it's not to me. i just… i want you to feel how much you mean to me. but… but i won't push you.” he’s serious about that, you know, but he looks like he'll die if you don't let him prove himself to you. his cheeks are flushed, and if his squirming weren't enough, the obvious tent in his sweatpants tells you everything you need to know. 

for the second time tonight, you take a deep breath and say, “okay.”

“oh,” he groans as he pulls you back in for another kiss. this one is much more fierce, utterly insatiable. his tongue licks your bottom lip, begging for entry, and you eagerly oblige. he moans into your mouth as his tongue tangles with yours, trying to commit every centimeter to memory. he’s embarrassingly hard humiliatingly fast, but he’s fantasized about this for so long, who can blame him? 

when you two break for air, his eyes are darkened with lust as he gulps and asks, “can i—” 

before he can finish, you cut him off by palming him through his sweatpants. the groan he releases is utterly guttural and animalistic in nature, and you carefully add, “do whatever you want.”

his breath catches in his throat at the permission, and with shaky hands and unsteady steps, he leads you to his bedroom. you're on the bed in an instant, and in mere moments, he's stripped you of the clothes he gave you to wear. you feel a bit uncomfortable, honestly, knowing he’s probably comparing you to minji; but before you can dwell on it, he's gulping and reverently whispering, “you're the most beautiful thing i've ever seen.”

before you even have the time to feel shy or embarrassed, his hands are all over you—your chest, your hips, your ass—but he won't let himself get lost in clumsy touches and lose sight of his ultimate goal: making you feel better than you ever have. he kisses down your jaw and throat before planting a searing mark at the base of your neck. he soothes the sting with his tongue, outwardly apologizing for the slight pain, but internally, he's buzzing with excitement at the prospect of leaving something tangible on you—something that ties you to him.

his mouth purposefully trails down to your chest, sucking on one peak and teasing the other before switching over. he beams into your chest when he hears you moan. slowly, he pops his mouth off and briefly kisses you again before planting kisses down your stomach, and finally, finally, finally, to your core. you're not sure how much time has passed, but you do know you've never been so wet before in your life. he spreads your legs open and groans when he sees you glistening for him. then, he looks up at you with watery eyes. there's yet another question there, you can see it, so you spread your legs a bit wider in a silent invitation. 

suddenly, his lips are buried in your folds. he leaves kisses, but try as he might, he doesn't have the wherewithal to control his hunger. when he takes his first lick, you feel an infernal heat beginning to consume you completely. he moans in pure ecstasy when he tastes you, and you can feel the vibrations reverberating through your cunt, your legs, your entire body. 

“so fucking good,” he whispers, his breath warm against your naked lips, and that's all the warning you get before he begins to lick you and suck up your slick as if he were a starving man.

you can't help but writhe beneath him as his tongue circles over your clit, and he removes one of the hands he was using to keep you spread open for him and presses it on your lower stomach to keep you in place. his other arm remains firmly locked around your thigh, nearly bruising you with his desperate grip. you've never had a man eat you out like you were showing him the greatest kindness of his life by doing so, but he clings to you so hungrily, you know that in his mind, you are. 

you begin to reach your peak far too quickly, and you think you moan something about being close—you're not really sure—when he slides his tongue into your hole and begins to thrust it in and out. his nose remains buried in your cunt, and you let out a cry of his name as patches of white explode behind your eyelids. he looks up at you as you come, his eyes shining with awe and pride. 

as you're coming down, he licks his upturned lips and dazedly whispers, “you came. i did that for you. i made you feel good, right?”

you let out a soft laugh and breathlessly reply, “yes, that was… you made me feel really good. so… what else do you want to show me?” 

his eyes go from innocent to dark again as he processes your words. he anxiously bites his lip as he slowly pulls off his shirt, then his sweatpants and boxers. his cock is painfully hard, pathetically leaking with precum and even redder than usual—because of the way he was humping the bed mere moments ago as you were lost in the haze of getting the best oral of your life. 

it’s pretty, just like every other part of him, and you have no doubt that he'll stretch you out nearly beyond what you'll be able to handle. it twitches traitorously with need as he stares at you, still dripping into his previously-crisp sheets. he unsteadily grabs his base and looms over you as he begins to tease himself up and down your cunt. he shudders at the contact, but he keeps his eyes locked with yours. he wants to watch every minuscule movement in your face as he finally, finally makes you understand how much he can do for you.

he begins to push in, one hand braced beside your head as his fat tip breaches your entrance. you both let out strangled cries at the insertion, and it takes every ounce of willpower and luck he can muster to not come immediately. he's jerked his cock raw for countless nights wishing he were fucking you, and here you are, looking up at him like he's the only thing you see. just like he's always longed for. it's an intoxicating sensation. 

“you're so fucking tight,” he groans as he works himself in. “so perfect around me.”

he draws himself out before thrusting in a little further. then again. then again. each time, he gains a bit more of you, splitting you open further and further with every movement of his hips. his veiny cock drags against the most pleasurable spot in your cunt every time. he's whimpering now, and he'd be shy in any other context, but not right now. he's fucking a girl raw for the first time, and not just any girl, the girl. the girl he’s wanted since… well, always. he couldn't care less about the fact that he sounds like a whore.

when he pulls out and slams back in again, he's finally completely sheathed in you. his eyes roll back in absolute pleasure as he lets out a guttural moan. you, on the other hand, feel so full, feel so right, you're writhing beneath him. with a shuddering breath, beomgyu pulls out almost completely before drilling into you again and again. his pace is frantic—carnal, even. when you thread your fingers in his hair, he lets out a desperate whine. 

“you feel so—mm, fuck!—so perfect. squeezing me so fucking tight, i can't—oh, god!” he babbles as he pounds himself into you. he has just enough awareness to take his skilled fingers and roll your clit as he loses himself in you. he keeps up his brutal pace in an act of frenzy.

“never—nngh—never wanna stop,” he whines as tears begin to pool in his eyes. they fall completely when you wrap your arms around his neck and pull him in for a filthy kiss. he tastes like you, and you realize you like it that way. you realize you like how pathetic he is, how much he’s loved you all this time, how much he needs you. you break from him and sink your teeth into his neck like he did to you, marking him as your own, and he lets out an animalistic cry he did not know he was capable of making.

“fuck, yes, yes, yes!” he cries out as his aching balls slap against you with every thrust. “please, please come. need to feel you—ah!—feel you come on my cock.”

his gaze finally parts from yours to look at your stomach. how nice would it be to be one with you completely? as much as he wants to, he can't stay inside of you forever, can't enmesh his body with yours, but he can become a part of you in a different way. he can plant his seed in your stomach, can mix his dna with yours in a physical, living, breathing product of his love for you—if he's fortunate enough. that way, he’ll be tied to you the way he never wanted to be tied to minji, and you’ll be tied to him just the same. but you haven't even agreed to date him. you're just lost in lust, right?

“i’m… i’m gonna come,” he pants as he continues to work your clit and fuck you like a crazed man. “have to pull out.” the words are almost painful to say, but he grits his teeth and says them, anyway.

shockingly, you wrap your legs around his waist and say between labored breaths, “you don't have to.” 

the whine he lets out is laughably emasculating, but he doesn't care. he fucks you even more fiercely and rolls your clit with even more desperation, and you can feel the tension in your stomach about to snap. you let out a broken moan of his name as you come undone beneath him, your mind flooding with nothing but unmarred bliss, and your cunt clenching around him so suffocatingly, he can barely even thrust.

“oh, sh-shit!” he cries out as his orgasm throws his world off-kilter. his cum floods your insides then—thick and hot—and he can feel you squeezing him for every last drop. he gives a few more weak thrusts before collapsing on top of you. you both pant in exhaustion, but once he catches his breath, he buries his face into the crook of your sweaty neck.

“i love you so fucking much,” he whispers, his breath making your skin tingle. he pulls away and looks up at you. “and you… you’ll love me back. i'll make sure everything—i won't let anything go wrong. and if minji tries anything, i'll ruin her fucking life. i swear, i'll be perfect. i'll be the perfect boyfriend, husband, father of—”

“tone down the crazy,” you warn as you lightly pinch his cheek. 

“s-sorry, i just got excited,” he blushes. “but i mean it, you know? i won't waste this, i promise. i'll be good for you every day, and i’ll show you how much i love you until you feel the same way. and our family—i mean, your family, they might be mad, but we'll deal with whatever happens, okay? and if they can't accept us, then we always have my family. they won't treat you badly, i swear.” he means it. his family doesn't even really know minji, and when they did meet her, they didn't care for her. 

beomgyu is looking at you with his watery, pleading eyes, and you know he'd give you the entire world if you let him. if yours and minji’s families hate you after this, he’ll be your family, and you kind of hate your family, anyway. he loves you, and oddly enough, you can really see things working out just as he says they will. 

you can't help but let out a tired laugh. “okay, i believe you.”

he groans in relief as he kisses you again, deeply and tenderly and lovingly, and you can see yourself falling in love with him, too. 

notes pt. 2: i hope u all liked this one! it's been a while since i've written beomgyu this way and i kinda missed him. ik i'm not the best at writing him but pls dont be mean. and again if u enjoyed this please leave feedback!

taglists

permanent: @lonelybutterflytae @sooberryworld @hyueika @boba-beom @vicurious28 @lickingan0rchid @katsukis1wife @notevenheretbh1 @that1sadgrl @archoive @paegesoobin @buttercreamerie @serenityism00 @fairfootedflekk @definitelynotherr @hyunj00 @taehyunluvrs @m00gyu @denleave1088 @hwanghyunjinismybae @todorokiskitten @choikanghuening @thispersonlovesbeomgyu @naoristerling @sunnysidesins @beommieternity @peanutbutterjam505 @tkooooop @fairy-jojo

freudian: @soobsfairy444 @bambammtori @ewsnup @younbeanz @weyukinluv @wildernessuntothemselves @dksfml

[headdinthewall]

TAPED TEMPERS ──  g.clarke  ౨ৎ ⋆｡˚

summary : in which your lost-tempered ‘argument’ is caught on george’s stream, and his viewers have something to say about it a/n : next post will either be INSIDE part three or a tiktok trend post ! this is not proof read it’s also 3AM so there might be an abundance of mistakes, sorry if it’s really bad! content : established relationship ,, arguing ,, a lot of swearing on readers behalf ,, hate comments ,, a little bit of angst & comfort ,, family planning at the end

─────── YOU’D HAD A terrible day. You were late for work, though it wasn’t a big job and George was constantly reminding you that you didn’t have to work, it was nice to have your own thing to do. On top of that, it seemed to be ‘treat customer service like shit’ day, because you’d had an abundance of horrible people come up to you, when all you were trying to do was serve them coffee. The third thing that ruined your day? Some arsehole thought a good way to ‘flirt’ with you was to bump into you while you were holding a hot cup of coffee. And just to put the cherry on the cake, your bus was late, it was raining, and George was too busy filming to be able to come and pick you up.

To put it simply, you were in a very, very sour mood when you got back to the apartment.

You slammed the door shut behind you, locking it with much more force than necessary. You grumbled curses under your breath as you tried to run your hand through your hair.

Key word, tried.

A frustrated whine/cry/groan left your throat as your fingers got tangled in the wet, knotted strands of your hair.

It was quiet, and there were two pairs of shoes missing from the entry ways shoe rack, but you could hear George talking in his room, so that meant Arthur and Chris were the ones out.

As you walked towards the kitchen, you stumbled over a pair of trainers you recognised that had been carelessly strewn across the floor and you lost it.

“George, how many fucking times do I have to tell you to either keep your shoes in your room or put them on the fucking rack?!” You shouted, picking them up.

You took note of the sink full of dishes and wanted to rip the hair out of scalp and peel the skin from your bones.

“And the fucking dishes too! I did them for you last time it was your turn, but I’m not fucking doing it again! You’re 25, wash the fucking dishes!”

You practically threw his bedroom door open and slapped his trainers on the floor, an expression on your face that was nothing short of absolutely livid.

“Chat, I’m gonna have to cut this stream short, apologies—“

“Oh yeah, ‘sorry chat’ ‘sorry chat’ how about ‘sorry reader, for leaving the house a fucking mess’?!” You yelled.

He cut the stream short, “Okay, I’ll do it, I’ll do it.” He said softly, tucking his chair under his desk and making his way into the kitchen to do the dishes.

“Honestly, I’m tired of coming back to a shit tip of an apartment, George. And you’re talking about us wanting to move out and get our own house? Well not if this is how you’re treating an apartment!” You lectured him, almost like a mother would her son.

The crash out was entirely unneeded, but the stress and constant fuck-ups of the day had finally caught up to you and were just spilling over your tongue.

“Okay, well if we lived together there wouldn’t be half the mess there is here, because Arthur and Chris make half of it themselves!” George argued while washing the plates.

“I’m not talking about their mess! I’m talking about your mess! The trainers on the floor were yours, it’s your turn to wash the dishes and you’ve been procrastinating it like a fucking year 11!”

“It’s not even that deep, reader! It’s a couple of dirty dishes!”

“Yeah, exactly! A couple of dirty dishes, so why cant you fucking take five minutes to clean them?!”

George sighed, knowing to just nod at your words when you were in this state. You let out a loud huff and slumped down on the couch.

After 10 minutes, the water stopped running and the sound of ceramic clattering together stopped. There was a dip in the couch beside you and George was there, arms open with a sympathetic look on his face.

You bit your lip, tears brimming in your eyes as you just fell not-so-gracefully, sideways into his embrace, tension dissipating from your body upon contact. His arms enveloped around you and he rested his chin on top of your head.

“What happened, hm?” George asked calmly, “Why are you in a bad mood, my lovely?”

“Everything that could’ve gone wrong today, has gone wrong.” You croaked, sniffling as tears traveled down your face, rolling over the hills of your cheeks. “Everyone I served at work today was a fucking arsehole, my bus was late, it rained on the way home, some wanker bumped into me and spilt coffee all down me. God, it was fucking dreadful today.”

“Oh, my darling, I’m sorry.” He mumbled into your hair, kissing it softly. “Think about it like this, yeah? Not everything that could’ve gone wrong today has. You could’ve lost your keys, but you didn’t. A car could’ve driven in a puddle while you were going past, but it didn’t.”

You nodded, wiping your cheeks with the backs of your hands. George shifted you, lifting your head with his hands on your cheeks.

“Also, an old witch could’ve cursed you to be an ugly bastard forever, but that never happened. You’re still beautiful.” He joked, kissing you softly.

“I’m sorry.” You whispered, “I shouldn’t have shouted and sworn at you like that.”

“It’s alright. I probably deserved it. Especially if we’re going to be moving in together soon, need to make sure I’m on my best behaviour.” He smirked, kissing your forehead, practically smothering you with affection, trying his absolute hardest to rid you of any negative thoughts and feelings of the days events.

“I love you.” You mumbled.

“I love you too, my darling.”

a combination of tweets & comments on youtube

user1 anyone else mildly concerned about the way reader spoke to george during last nights stream?

user2 🚩 🚩 can’t believe she spoke to him so violently

user3 i could never let my partner talk me like that, i’d just walk out on them

user4 massive ick the way reader shouted at george last night!

user5 now imagine if he had shouted at her like that… it would be a whole different story

user6 the fact that she portrays herself as a cutesy girl online but speaks to her boyfriend like that behind closed doors is just… ugh

user7 nah… her audacity. he literally pays her bills, pays for her clothes and got her half the fame she has

user8 you’d never catch me staying in a relationship like that.

─────── THE NEXT MORNING, George was setting up his phone against his monitor on his desk, ready to film a tiktok as he sat in his gaming chair.

“Um, hello everyone. I don’t normally do a video like this, so … apologies for the weird switch up, but I’ve seen a lot of comments circling on youtube and twitter about my girlfriend, and I just want to clear a few things up. One, yes, she did yell at me last night. Did I deserve it? Kind of. I— I will admit that I did commit a bit of an oopsie last night, but we’ve had our own conversation and settled things, what you saw in the stream was just … her shouting at me. You guys are acting like I was just getting an onslaught of verbal abuse, which didn’t happen. Two, please don’t involve yourselves in my relationship. I appreciate each and every one of you for your support, but … yeah. I promise that our relationship is 100% healthy, and it has been for a year now. Me and reader don’t need any sort of … advice, if you will, about how to communicate. The odd argument will happen in a relationship, but what matters is how you deal with it, which we have done.” George held two thumbs up.

“Also, please stop sending her hate. We woke up this morning and a number of you have sent her DM’s claiming that she’s a ‘horrible girlfriend’ and that she doesn’t deserve me. Again, please stay out of my relationship and my private life and just … appreciate what I do share with you and the content that I do put out. I think reader actually wants to say something …” He looked over at you off screen.

You shimmied out of bed and appeared on camera, wearing one of George’s shirts that came down to your upper thigh.

“Hi everyone! Um, leave me alone, please and thanks.” You shrugged, “No, but seriously, please stop sending me messages saying ‘apologies to George now’ ‘you shouldn’t speak to him like that’ and whatever else you guys — for some reason — think is acceptable to text me. I can assure you that me and George spoke and it’s all been dealt with. Another thing is, I’m not apologising to you guys. Why? Because I’m not dating you guys. I don’t owe you guys anything apology or a reason as to why I behaved like that, but I did owe it to George, and—“

“The owe has been made.” George interrupted, putting on a fancy voice. “El Clarko is pleased and happy.”

“Exactly, so … yeah. But thank you to those who were defending me in the comments. Love you all!” You blew a kiss to the screen.

“Yeah, sorry for the weird post, just thought this was necessary to put across because reader was getting hate and it was making us both quite upset, and I wanted to address the whole situation. Thanks guys, see you later.” George finalised before ending the video, rewatching it over and then posting it.

Once he had done that, you got back into bed with each other, legs entangled with your head on his chest and his fingers dancing along your bare thigh.

“Do you want to look at houses online today?” George muttered, using his spare hand to comb through your hair.

“Sure.” You hummed, your throat vibrating against his chest. “Two bedroom? Or one?”

“What would we need two for?”

“I dunno …” Lie. “Maybe … I dunno, just in case … y’know …”

“Just in case what?” George frowned, completely oblivious as to what you were trying to get at.

“In case we get a baby Clarkey.” You mumbled shyly.

“You want a baby Clarkey?” A smirk slowly sores across his face.

“Yeah— No— I dunno, I was just thinking … What if it happened?” You shrugged, looking up at him. “What are you smirking at?”

“Oh, nothing.” He chuckled, coming forward to kiss your forehead, “We can look at two bedroom houses if that’s what you want.”

“That’s not a free pass for you to cum in me.” You spoke quickly before he got any ideas, but you both knew you were treading lightly on the topic, quite open to the idea of kids, especially now you were both mid-20s.

“Okay, okay.” He said with a dramatic sigh.

You stared at each other, sleepy eyes looking at sleepy eyes. Eyes full of love and adoration, the idea of starting a family together being a blossoming thought in both of your minds.

[subwillsolace]

hi beloved. i have a confession to make. i fear my responses to your fics have been lacking and i would like to get on my knees and apologize for my lack of affection. im not going to lie i feared if i were to constantly leave you an ask or comment (im a little shy with comments tbh mb because i could genuinely write 500 words per fic you write and idk if thats ok) on every. single. fic. you write. including your mediumgayitalian account. it would seem overbearing... but i have realized this continuous lapse in my judgement. now that i hear youre going to be very very busy in july i will cherish every bit of writing and every single post. and every post after july too. i apologize for acting like an emotionally unavailable boyfriend i swear i will rightfully show my appreciation for, no hyperbole, im being dead serious, my number one favorite author of all time in the years ive been reading fanfiction. lmk if youd like them through asks or comments. because i will SHOW you my appreciation. if that's okay with you.

oh my god beloved hi....lemme tell you a secret that is not a secret: i literally only post for the validation of comments and reblogs tbh.

i write for me. the stories are in my head already but when they are in my head they are blurry and inconsistent. to write them is relief and is also something for me to reread a bajillion times. i am my own target audience.

however.

like i have a blog and update it so often for the sole purpose of being appreciated. i know that is self-centered and egotistical and narcissistic blah blah blah. man Whatever. i want the attention of people noticing the work i care about 😭 like EYE know that the line i wrote was good and referenced something. i looked the reference up myself. but it is a special kind of pleasure to have SOMEONE ELSE notice that the line was good and referenced something. you know.

you could leave me forty comments on every fic every day and i would literally never get annoyed. like. this is my horny blog so i can say it but i am an attention whore. i like being appreciated. i like being showered in compliments. i am needy and i like knowing that people think im good.

anyways. thank you my dearest. no need for apologies. you could never be overbearing. you could ask me a million questions about every paragraph and it will take me time to get there but i'll answer them. thank you <3333

[cheeeeseburger]

We'll pay the price, I guess

Fernando Alonso x Reader

Masterlist

A/N: A year ago, I posted my first ever fic. It was an Alonso x Reader fic, inspired by the song Slut! by Taylor Swift. This is an hommage to that first fic. If you're reading this with a fic in your draft, do it. Post the fic. It will be worth it :) English is not my first language, apologies for the mistakes, enjoy!

You’re tipsy, but the fun kind of tipsy. The world is spinning like a disco ball and you’re shining like one. The alcohol makes you smile big and you’re one drink away from confessing your deepest secrets to perfect strangers. In other words, this is a good night.

Anyone who is in the F1 world is at this party. Anyone who is trying to be anyone is also there, meaning you’re surrounded by wannabe influencers and new-money rich finance bros. These guys buy you drinks, so they’re the one you’re targeting with a subtle (or not so subtle) eyelashes batting moment. So far, it has gotten you one shot.

You get blinded by the flash of a camera. For once, you’re having your picture taken instead of the other way around. But there’s no reason to complain. Being a F1 photographer has been an absolute dream come true. You get to travel the world’s hottest places, take pictures of handsome drivers, all while getting paid (and sometimes laid) to do what you love. You hope the picture looks good.

It's true, you’ve had a bit of fun along the way. There was that millionaire’s son in Shanghai, the chef from your hotel in Belgium and some that you still sigh when thinking about them. It’s been fun, but there’s one guy you want, and it’s impossible.

Fernando Alsonso. His tan skin, his greying hair and the smooth way he talks; this man’s gotten you head over heels. The sun always seems to be hotter when he’s around.

In photography classes, they didn’t teach you how to stop your hands from shaking when taking a picture, but it’s a necessary skill to have when photographing a Spanish stud. It’s a wonder he doesn’t notice, but he must not pay enough attention to you to notice.

You lie to yourself by saying that he only reason you haven’t made a move is because of your job. But that’s not true. No man should be hot enough to risk a job for, but unfortunately, he is. No, the reason you haven’t made a move is because you’re a coward.

Seducing a man you’re not even remotely interested in? Done. A guy you have to take off your glasses to look at? Your number is in his phone already. But when a man interests you? No way.

You’ve tried all the usual tricks, at work and during F1 functions. He may have noticed you a little more when you let your hair down, when your updo unravelled because of the wind in Montreal. It’s not a coincidence that you now let your hair loose, most days.

Anyway. The party is still raging. Some of your bosses are there, so this is not the time to act foolish. Your job is too important to you to risk it by getting drunk in front of the wrong person, or by confessing that you wake up in soaked sheets in the middle of the night, thinking about the grid’s oldest driver.

It’s those tan arms that do it for you. They would be perfect locked around your waist. He’s so charming, it hurts. You live to get a shot of his smile, and not just because they are the pictures that sell the most.

And he’s actually so nice, too. He poses for every photoshoot without complaining and he goes out of his way to compliment your work. How could you not fall?

You’re standing at the bar, and there’s a man next to you. He’s terribly boring, but you put on the biggest fake smile while he pays for a martini for you. You say a silent prayer in your head, hoping that someone or something will make the man go away, now that you’ve got your drink. Unfortunately, he’s tenacious.

It might be in your head, but you’re pretty sure the music stops for a sec when Fernando Alonso enters the club. You actually need to grab the bar to keep your balance. Shamelessly, you soak up the sight of the gorgeous, respectful man walking in. You have to remind yourself not to drool, and not to forget the (less hot) man next to you.

You can’t take your eyes off him, but the other guy keep asking for you attention, and you regretfully set your gaze on him instead. Boooooooring.

A deep voice with a thick Spanish accent greets you.

“Hello there, Chiqui.” You could recognize this voice through a crowd like no other. It’s full of warmth, and that’s the voice you want to hear screaming your name or saying good morning to you in bed.

The pulse of your heart sounds like a tambourine contest in your head. You try to contain the butterflies in your tummy while slowly turning around wearing a picture-perfect smile and hearts in your eyes.

“Hello there, Fernando. How are you?” He’s so beautiful, you could cry. If only you had your camera.

“Better now that I’ve seen you.” Surprisingly, he pulls you in to kiss both of your cheeks but doesn’t pull away before whispering a few soft words in your ear: “You look so good, chiqui.” Does he know that he’s almost killing you? His words, the smell of his cologne, it’s all too much.

Blushing, you answer shyly. “Thank you, you look handsome. I wish I had my camera with me.” Fernando smiles and puts his hand over your arm and slowly rubs circles with his thumb. You’re so surprised, your nervous system takes a screenshot. Why he is so flirty tonight? That guy who bought you a drink? Yeah, he left ages ago, knowing he doesn’t stand against the hot Spaniard.

“At work, I look at you because I have to look at the camera, but tonight, you don’t have a camera, and I still can’t keep my eyes off you.” You almost falter at the declaration. He’s a 100% serious, too. He’s never been so bold before. Years of pining after him still haven’t prepared you for the appropriate answer, so you answer like an idiot.

“Are you drunk?” Fernando roars in laughter at your comment and your eyes bulging out of your face. His hand still rubbing your arm brings you back to reality.

“Not, I’m not. Drunk on you, maybe. I haven’t had anything to drink tonight, actually. It’s all you.” Suddenly, he pulls you closer. You’re mere inches away from his face, and he’s even more beautiful up close in real life than when you edit his pictures. Your pupils are so dilated, they look like they could burst. Fernando stares at your lips like a starved man. You breathing hitches, your back arches, your nerves are on fire.

“What’s happening, Fernando?” You can’t help licking your lips, and he brushes his thumb over them.

“I’ve wanted you for so long. It might be the party, or how good you look, but tonight, I can’t resist anymore. Please, I need you so bad. Can I kiss you?” He looks so distraught, so weak, so desperate.

Slowly, you nod without breaking eye contact. Then, his lips are on you.

It’s a kiss full of need, it almost feel like an adolescent make out. His lips align so well with yours. Air is optional during this activity. You must never break contact.

In the back of your head, a voice is screaming your job, your job, your job. Especially since anyone can see you. But then his arms are around your waist, your wrist are locked behind his neck, and his tongue is meeting yours, and you’ve forgotten everything except his name.

The annoying voice reminds you of your bosses possibly seeing you, and you can’t help but pull away, gasping. But Fernando doesn’t let you go entirely.

“We can’t do this, Fernando. But I want to, so badly, I promise. I’ve wanted you for so long, too.  But I love this job too much, and I can’t risk it. I might lose my job. Oh God, I’m going to lose my job!” A million thoughts are running in your head.

He pulls you in a reassuring hug. “You’re not going to lose your job, chiqui, I’ll make sure of that. Besides, you’re too good of a photographer. Never in a million years will the team want to part from you.” He softly caresses your hair.

His words make you feel a little bit better. You’re too stunned by the kiss to form coherent thoughts, but your lips are begging for more.

“Thank you. This was too hot, Fernando. I wish we could do more. But we can’t. Actually, I can’t. You’ll always keep your job, but I might not.”

“What if I promise you you’ll still have a job? Please, trust me.” It feels so good to know the lengths he’s ready to go too just to get more of you. But your conscience still takes you

“Please, believe me, it’s not from a lack of desire. I’ve wanted you for years. I’m desperate for this, too. But a good fuck is not worth losing my dream job, no matter how good the fuck would be.” You both daydream of what it would be like to take the other to bed before he starts begging again.

He’s whispering in your ear, his hands are trailing your body. He knows your weaknesses.

“Please, please, please. I’ll offer you a job myself if you were to lose yours, but I promise you it will never happen.” He’s so sincere, and your lips act again your will, and suddenly, you’re giving him a short, soft kiss.

“I’m very sorry Fernando. But I can’t. Not now.” His eyes light up.

“Not now? Does that mean you’re keeping a door open for the future?” He’s so kind. He’s trying to be friendly to make you feel better. You laugh. He found a flaw in your reasoning.

“Maybe. In the meantime, don’t worry, you will still be the hero of my dreams.” You wink at him. He chuckles. You’re glad things still seem good between the two of you. Not every guy in his position would have taken rejection so well, even if your rejection basically came with a declaration.

He flashes you the most beautiful you’ve ever seen from him, but also from the thousands of people you’ve ever photographed.

Fernando takes your manicured hand, pulls it to his lips, and leaves a soft kiss on top.

“This isn’t over, chiqui. You’ll succumb to your desire soon. I know I did.”

And he leaves you all alone at the bar, full of desire and questions. You miss his lips already. You don't even care if someone saw you. His kiss might be worth it, for once.

The world keeps spinning, yet nothing is the same. It won't ever be the same anymore.

You might pay the price for it, but tonight, you're just a girl who's been kissed like she deserves to be kiss.

[avenlover]

A clarification on why Kaeya was adopted by Crepus in CN lore

This is a clarification with provided proof. This post will be long. Before I start, mind that I am not hating on nor trying to upset people who ship. I will continue to not do that, this post is not meant to be hateful and I do not hate on people. Please do not take this post as an attack and continue to do whatever you want. Only for open discussion would I engage if I had time and energy. I am kind of doing this for myself and I also wanted to put it out there for people who might find it interesting. I am not interested in debating my apologies if you want to. By the way, these points aren't things only I came up with, they may align with other posts and I was probably inspired by some points others made.

This post is about lore based clarification and also some of my takes. Please, engage kindly if you will, but I am not interested in engagement or discussion as I can not spare time for them at this stage of my life. Im putting this here mainly for myself to read.

养=養(meaning and pronunciation is the same, one is simplified and one is traditional chinese.)

Here are the general topics I will talk about:

-Kaeya's Hangout Quest dialogue

-Meaning and use of 兄弟 and 养子

-Meaning and use of 少爷

-Segments from Kaeya's Vision Story/Character Story 5

-How 养子 (yǎngzǐ) and 養父 (yǎngfù) are used in more detail

-Venti Story Quest Kaeya and Diluc's dialogue

-Some other stuff from Mondstadt Events

-Meaning of "sworn" and why it was used

-Xingqiu's voiceline about "Swornship"

-Non Blood family ties are acknowledged in Mondstadt

Kaeya’s Hangout Quest Dialogue and Meaning:

(This part is a bit more focused on 兄弟 (brother) by the way, later on I explore 养子 more)

In the conversation, a servant calls Kaeya 少爷 , a respectful term for young master. A man then asks Kaeya, surprised, about his relation to Dawn Winery:

Man: "...Master...wait....Pardon my foolishness, but might I inquire as to your relation to Dawn Winery?"

Kaeya replies:

"我是克利普斯老爷的养子，迪卢克老爷的兄弟，一直在西风骑士团工作，不常出现在酒庄。"

translating to:

“I am Master Crepus’s adopted son, Master Diluc’s brother, and I work in the Knights of Favonius. I don’t often appear at the winery.”

Man: "...My mistake, I apologize for not realizing earlier. I do hope I have not done you a discourtesy."

Kaeya: " 恐怕是您刚才的误会，虽然我是迪卢克老爷的兄弟，但我并不住在晨曦酒庄。"(Unfortunately the first part is not completely accurate to the CN dub but the rest is the same. So, "You may have misunderstood Mr.Guangzhi" part is not accurate but the rest is accurate to CN dub. I apologise. )

Meaning:

“Im afraid you have misunderstood. Although I am Master Diluc’s brother, I don’t actually live at Dawn Winery.”

---

Why this shows he belongs in the family:

Kaeya calls himself 养子 (adopted son) of Crepus and 兄弟 (brother) of Diluc, clearly affirming a family connection, not just friendship. The use of 兄弟 here indicates a brotherly relationship, and the sentence with "although" explains that despite being Diluc’s brother, Kaeya no longer lives at the winery. (More explanation below)

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In chinese, 兄弟 means “brothers” (plural)

But in context, Chinese often doesn't mark plurals explicitly like English does. So:

我们是兄弟 – "We are brothers." (clearly plural from "we")

我是他的兄弟 – "I am his brother." (singular from "I")

So, 兄弟 can be singular or plural depending on context, and this is natural in everyday Chinese.

Think of it like this in English: if someone says "He is family," "family" is a collective noun, but it clearly refers to a single person and is used to mean singular. Similarly, 兄弟, while having plural meaning, can function to define a single person in a sibling relationship within some contexts. This one being an example of that.

我是X的兄弟 would mean:"I am X's brother"

This use would be natural for either:

-Literal brother meaning

-Close male friend/buddy meaning

Without more context we won't really know which is implied.

Why Kaeya’s “兄弟” here doesn’t mean just a close friend and why Kaeya literally means he was adopted by Crepus

In everyday Chinese, 兄弟 (xiongdi) can be used among close friends, like “bros” or “mates.” regularly. However, in this specific context, it actually means brother for these reasons:

(Though I understand why people would take this as "buddy" too since he also calls Diluc 义兄(sworn brother) in other cases and this is an interpretation people might have, but here is why I think there is more to it)

1. Formal Context and Tone

Kaeya is responding to a formal question about his relation to the winery. He introduces himself as the 养子 (adopted son) of Crepus and the 兄弟 (brother) of Diluc. This is a direct, factual statement about family ties, not only friendship(more explanation below for this) or just being raised there.

If he did not mean he was literally adopted he wouldn't have said 养子(adopted son[more explanation on this term in below parts]), he would instead say he was raised at the winery. He wanted the man to understand he was adopted because the man is confused about the use of "少爷" by servants that suggest he is part of the household and son of a nobleman. Kaeya doesn't really have a reason to confuse him. He replies directly. He was not just a temporarily staying foster son or a boy taken care of there.

Kaeya using 老爷 (lǎoyé) adds formality and respect, showing Kaeya isn’t being casual , he’s acknowledging Crepus’s authority and status. “老爷” is a respectful title used for heads of noble households or wealthy families. This makes the sentence more official and serious, reinforcing that he truly is Crepus’s adopted son, not speaking figuratively.

2. Parallel structure:

“我是克利普斯老爷的养子，迪卢克老爷的兄弟。”The sentence links two formal, hierarchical relationships:

Saying he’s the adopted son of Crepus and then immediately calling himself Diluc’s brother shows a legal or family bond, not just a friendly closeness. The two terms together confirm a family relationship. If he meant he was only Diluc's close friend or mate, that would not explain the man's confusion/the fact that he understood what Kaeya meant after this explanation was given nor would it make much sense because it doesn't exactly explain why he is adressed with a noble term.

Saying "I'm Crepus's adopted son and Crepus's son's buddy" would not only be confusing(if the asker knows who Crepus is) but also not very fitting in the sentence overall(even if he doesn't know). Switching from a formal term like "adopted son" to a casual one like "buddy" within the same sentence creates inconsistency. The casual use of 兄弟 to mean "buddy" usually appears in informal speech, and would normally need more explanation in this case.

Adopted son of the father (Master Crepus) Brother of the son (Master Diluc). It’s structured like a family tree, not a casual bond. This whole sentence is formal, structured, tied to household status and uses family/legal terms.

3.Because Kaeya says “迪卢克老爷的兄弟” for Diluc, the use of “老爷” (Master) again emphasizes formality and social hierarchy.

Using this title when referring to Diluc shows that Kaeya acknowledges social rank and family roles, which is most of the time incompatible with the casual tone of “buddy.”

It supports a familial, adoptive brother relationship, not a casual one. As I've mentioned, “老爷” makes the tone formal and respectful. Kaeya uses it for both Crepus and Diluc. That formality doesnt really fit “I’m his buddy”. It shows Kaeya is being serious and respectful, not speaking casually. The "close friend" use of 兄弟 is most commonly found in casual speech.

4. The man’s surprise and apology

The man is surprised by Kaeya’s status and apologizes for not recognizing him, which fits better if Kaeya is actually part of the family, not just a friend.

5. Kaeya’s clarification “Although I am Master Diluc’s brother, I don’t live at the winery”

He uses 兄弟 again here. If it were just a casual “bro” friendship, this sentence would be very strange. Why mention living arrangements when talking about friendship? "Although I am Master Diluc's buddy, I don't live at Dawn Winery(Diluc's house)" does not make much sense as people don't typically live at their buddy's or comarade's house. Kaeya had moved out after the fallout, so of course he doesn't live at the winery now despite being an adopted member. He only clarifies this since the man thought he must have been living here because he stated he was adopted and since Kaeya previously said he rarely appears at the winery, the man might have thought this is because of his job as a working knight or that he only comes here to sleep. He probably thought that since he did not know or notice Kaeya's relation, he was beind disrespectful. This clarification Kaeya made is about his residence, not familial status. Again, this indicates a real family connection with household.

6. Why didn't Kaeya use "养" again for his relation to Diluc, as in 养弟?

养 (yǎng): to raise, to bring up, to adopt

弟 (dì): younger brother

养弟: adopted younger brother

养弟 may sound odd and too literal. It is actually a less commonly used term unlike 养子. "养" is mostly used for parent and child relationships. Him not using this term does not mean he is denying brotherhood. And since he already clarified this was an adoptive relationship when he said 养子 he won't need to say it again, as people usually use 兄弟 and then clarify the adoptive nature of it another way or use more words. Using 兄弟 here is natural and normal even for an adopted sibling.

---

Summary:

So in this scene, 养子 literally stands for "adopted son". And 兄弟 is used in its "brother" meaning, not just a word for “close friend" or "mate/bro". It reflects Kaeya’s adoptive family ties with Diluc and Crepus. One could always argue he does not feel this way towards Diluc and Crepus which this post will not provide an answer for.

Why 少爷 isn’t used for random people

Adelinde, Elzer and Connor can be seen calling Kaeya 少爷 in his hangout quest.

1. Title of Status

少爷 means “young master” and is a title given only to sons of wealthy, noble, or important families. It’s not a casual term for any young man.

2. Respect and Hierarchy

It shows respect and acknowledges the person’s high social rank or family status. Calling a stranger or unrelated person 少爷 would be inappropriate and confusing.

3. Context Matters

In the scene I mentioned, a servant of Dawn Winery, Adelinde calls Kaeya 少爷, which fits perfectly because Kaeya is part of the household (adopted son of Crepus). A stranger or random person wouldn’t use this term without knowing his background.

Summary:

少爷 is a specific, respectful title reserved for recognized young masters of a family, it can’t be casually or randomly applied. A person must be recognized as part of household.

Segments From Lore(Kaeya's Vision Story/Character Story 5)

> 身為養子的凱亞始終陪在一旁，卻無法真正融入這一場父子慘劇。

“As the adopted son, Kaeya was always by their side but could never truly blend into this father-son tragedy.”

— This clearly states Kaeya’s status as 养子, meaning he was formally adopted.

---

「這樣的世界,真是……有趣。」 共同的「父親」倒在了血泊之中,兩位少年在這一夜走上分歧的道路。

"Such a world, truly... interesting." The shared "father" fell into a pool of blood, and the two boys took divergent paths that night.

Explanation:

The phrase 共同的「父親」 ("shared 'father'") highlights that both Kaeya and Diluc have the same father figure, whether biological or adoptive.

The use of quotation marks around 「父親」 suggests complexity in their relationship, the "father" is Crepus. Quotation marks might be used for a couple reasons generally.

Not a father,biologically or emotionally. (Could be the case, Crepus is not both of their biological father. Only Diluc's. But also, Kaeya might be conflicted on wether he feels that he is truly worthy of calling Crepus father. )

Social or symbolic father(Guardian or adoptive father, this makes sense too of course since we know Crepus is 養父(traditional chinese version) )

Speaker might be distancing themselves from the label(Kaeya might feel conflicted about his relation to Crepus since he feels that he betrayed him and also feeling as if he disrespected his biological father with this use)

This adds depth to their relationship. Kaeya knows he is not the biological son and feels distanced and he knows he was a traitor. After all, he was sent as a spy to Mondstadt. In the end, "their father" is mentioned multiple times in Kaeya's lore and this tells us that their relationship is complicated and filled with conflict but supports that he was adopted.

He wouldn't feel this amount of guilt and conflict if he were just an outsider, a child only taken in out of pity. He wouldn't feel conflicted for the term "father" used here if it hadn't had some truth to it, as in, he was adopted by him, raised by him, cared for by him but still feels he might not be worthy of that or feels distanced. (these last two sentence are more on the subjective side, but I still wanted to add this part and you can decide for yourself.)

---

> 狠心捨棄他的生父與收留撫養他的養父，他應該幫助誰？

“Having cruelly abandoned his biological father and the adoptive father who took him in and raised him, whom should he help?”

— This mentions both 生父 (biological father) and 养父 (adoptive father), proving Kaeya recognizes two father figures.

---

> 而克利普斯之死打破了天平的平衡。凱亞因而感到解脫，又為這份自私感到羞愧。作為養子，他本該救下克利普斯。卻來晚一步；作為義弟，他理應幫迪盧克分擔痛苦，卻躲在兄弟背後...

“And the death of Crepus broke the balance. Kaeya felt relieved but ashamed of his selfishness. As the adopted son, he should have saved Crepus but was too late; as the sworn younger brother, he should have shared Diluc’s pain but instead hid behind his brother...”

— Here, 养子 and 义弟 (sworn younger brother) are explicitly mentioned.

What this shows:

Kaeya is officially the adopted son (养子) of Crepus.

Crepus is his 养父 (adoptive father).

He is Diluc's 义弟 (sworn younger brother) , a bond beyond blood.

Why 养子 (yǎngzǐ) and 養父 (yǎngfù) are literal terms

1. Meaning:

养子 literally means “adopted son” — a son who is taken in and raised by someone who is not his biological father.

2. Legal and social implication:

In Chinese culture and language, 养子 is not metaphorical or symbolic. It refers to a real, formal adoption or raising relationship. The adoptive parent has parental rights and responsibilities over the child.

3. Contrast with other terms:

Unlike words that might be used metaphorically (like “brother” for close friends), 养子 is specific and unambiguous , it defines the legal/social family role of the person.

4. Common usage:

When someone says “我是克利普斯老爷的养子” (I am Master Crepus’s adopted son), it means they were officially adopted and taken in by Crepus, not just calling him a father figure or mentor casually.

5. In Kaeya’s context:

Kaeya saying he is 养子 confirms a formal adoptive relationship, rather than just being a “child taken in” or “like a son.” It reflects the truth of their family ties and obligations. Kaeya is called 少爷 by servants at the winery. This means he is actually recognized as part of the household and has been adopted by Crepus in the past. He was not only a child who was taken in and raised since he had nowhere else to go. He was recognized as family. He was not only a foster son that was temporarily looked after. The fact that he does not live at the winery now does not suggest he was only fostered(I explain this more below at "A thought")He had a fight with Diluc after Crepus's death and left on his own.

If he were only taken in as a child to look after he wouldn't be called 少爷(young master) and he wouldnt introduce himself with "我是克利普斯老爷的养子" as this would confuse the one asking his relation to the winery. He could have said he was just raised at the winery but he said he was adopted, because he wanted the asker to understand his position in the house and he even followed with the fact that Diluc was his brother(previously explained). Obviously we will never see his actual adoption documents, but we don't need to see them to understand he was adopted.

Kaeya refers to Crepus as his 养父 (yǎngfù, adoptive father), and himself as 养子 (yǎngzǐ, adopted son).

These terms are not symbolic or honorary like “义父” (sworn father) or “义子” (sworn son) , they are legal, familial terms used for someone who has formally taken in a child and raised them as their own.

养父 (yǎngfù) = adoptive father (parent through adoption)

养子 (yǎngzǐ) = adopted son (child through adoption)

So when Kaeya’s character lore and Vision story clearly state that he is Crepus’s 养子, it means he was actually adopted, not just taken in or raised like a guest. It holds legal and social weight, especially within Chinese familial terminology.

This is important, because it supports the idea that Kaeya is formally, canonically part of the Ragnvindr household, regardless of emotional distance or personal conflict.

The same applies to “迪卢克老爷的兄弟”

It’s not "like a brother" or "mate". When used together with “养子,” it becomes part of a consistent, formal statement of family structure.

Summary:

养子 is a literal term meaning adopted son and it does not carry the casual or figurative connotations that words like “bro” or “buddy” might have. When used, it confirms a genuine adoptive relationship.

A thought:

Now, this is a fictional fantasy world. And I will not talk about the philosophical meanings behind adoption, or fostering. In Teyvat, we do not know how exactly adoption or fostering works and we probably will never. My point is that if an adopted person with internal conflict and ties to their biological family were in the world of Teyvat, it would be like Kaeya's case. So we can't know everything with absolute certainty. The reason I do not count this as fostering is because of the points I made above(basically, the terms he uses and the way he is adressed,and his emotional closeness to the winery explained below) and there is nothing really suggesting he was only temporarily taken care of.

What I mean is, the way I define fostering is "temporarily taking care of a child until they can take care of themselves or be given to another family, usually spending less years with them than if you adopted them". If you have a definition of fostering that is very close to adoption or completely aligns with it, then you may misunderstand me. "养子" can be less commonly used for "foster son" in chinese, it is not like in English where there are different words for fostering and adoption though the most common meaning for 养子 is still adoption. But as I've said, Kaeya was taken in, raised, recognized as family, and has connection to the Dawn Winery(a point I talk about below and above this).

I do not mean to offend or hurt anyone who was fostered, nor do I believe they aren't part of the family they are fostered in. My argument in Kaeya's case is just different, thats all.

Why Kaeya uses 父亲 (father) as a mutual father, with quotes

父亲 is the standart term for father in chinese. It does not necessarily mean adoptive or biological father.

In the conversation between Diluc and Kaeya in Venti's Story Quest:

> Kaeya:

你不是常卖东西吗？父亲的旧宅也是你卖掉的。

(You’re often selling things, right? You even sold Father’s old residence.)

Here, Kaeya uses 父亲 (fuqin) without adding “your” (你的), indicating a shared father figure rather than talking about someone else’s father.

What this means:

1. Shared Father:

By saying 父亲的旧宅 (“Father’s old residence”), Kaeya implies that the father (Crepus) belongs to both him and Diluc, they share this paternal figure in the family.

2. Not “Your father” but “Father”:

If Kaeya meant only Diluc’s biological father, he might say 你的父亲 (your father). Instead, using just 父亲 expresses that Crepus is the father for both of them, their mutual father.

Diluc does not find Kaeya's wording odd and instead replies with: "I see no reason to cling to things that have outlived their purpose." meaning, Kaeya might be using this wording already and Diluc was not taken aback by it.

Summary:

Kaeya’s use of 父亲 here reflects the formal, shared family bond with Crepus, emphasizing their connection as adoptive and biological sons under the same father.

Of Ballads and Brews Act 2 Bonds of Melody Event

Here, is a segment of a dialogue between Kaeya and Diluc.

"Don't forget that this is my home too. I'm fairly certain that taking a trip home during festival season is a universal custom... "

(I could not find the chinese version as I have already played this event and can't get back to it my apologies. He uses the word 家 (jiā) here which means home or family. It has a warm, emotional meaning, like the place where you belong or your family lives.

)

Diluc says:"Please get to the point"

---

Letters to Diluc in Hidden Strife Event All's Well That Ends Well:

A Letter With Clear Handwriting: Master Kaeya took leave and stayed at Dawn Winery for a few days.

A Letter With Clear Handwriting: In a rare turn of events, he decided to stay in his original bedroom. He would pace about the grounds when idle, and even asked Adelinde to make him his favorite dishes.

A Letter With Clear Handwriting: Ah, it really does take me back.

A Letter With Clear Handwriting: I shall be honest with you, but I was quite surprised to hear Master Kaeya say that he wanted to stay for a few days.

A Letter With Clear Handwriting: We did not refuse him, however. We believe that even if you were here, you would not refuse him outright.

A Letter With Clear Handwriting: The house is made by those who live in it, and Master Kaeya's uncommon arrival did end up livening the place up significantly. [Awwee :C]

Summary: While these are not proof, but supporting ideas. Kaeya does view this place as home, and does come here to even sleep and eat his favorite dishes, he even stayed at his original bedroom. Why he doesn't visit often now is probably because Diluc is around now, while these letters were sent he was away.

"Sworn"

义 means righteousness, loyalty, moral duty.

义兄 or 义父 indicates a bond not by blood but by oath and choice.

Moral or ritual bond. They are respecful terms. It emphasizes that the relationship is respectful and not by blood but by oath.

Kaeya's lore and Caribert Quest indeed uses terms like 义兄 (sworn brother), 义子(sworn son) and 义父 (sworn father) in Kaeya’s story along with the other terms I mentioned multiple times.

Distinction:

养父 (yǎngfù) Adoptive Father: A man who raises a child as his own. This is a familial, practical relationship, often with emotional closeness.

义父 (yìfù) Sworn/Righteous Father:A non-familial, honor based title. It's mostly used when someone chooses to recognize an older man as a father figure usually due to deep respect, gratitude, or shared values , not necessarily close or emotional like a real parent. “yìfù” is not inherently a warm or familial term. It’s often ceremonial or symbolic, like in brotherhood oaths, or military loyalty.

Kaeya uses both 养父 and 义父 to show different aspects of the relationship. Yangfu means adoptive father, a real parent-like role. Yifu is more symbolic, showing respect or sworn loyalty. Similarly, 养子 means adopted son, while 义子 reflects a chosen or honorary son role, based on loyalty. Why don't they always contradict eachother? Because the way Kaeya uses them is important. An adopted person can actually use sworn father and adoptive father for the same person especially since Teyvat or Mondstadt is not set in modern time but in the past.

In emotional moments he used 养父 (when Crepus was dying and when he felt guilty) where we could assume he felt closeness and fear perhaos. And when he needed to state his relation to the winery(he was stating his legal/social identity) he directly he used it again. When talking to Diluc he also used 父亲 which meant "our father". Him using 义父 could mean he wants to show his respect to him. So we could say that to reflect both the legal/adoptive and emotional; and personal and respectful sides of their father-son bond he uses both words. Because he uses both we can also assume that 义父 was used to emphasize that the bond was chosen and non biological while also showing respect. One could say this use of sworn just adds a layer to their relationship, and makes it rich.

This could also possibly mean that Kaeya doesn’t fully see himself as part of the Ragvindr clan. That he still feels tied to his biological father(Which seems to be the case sometimes since he feels divided between Crepus and his biological father). And it might mean that he always puts a bit of distance between himself and Diluc and Crepus. We know he felt very guilty for years, and this is probably why this distance formed. However, this does not mean he was not adopted. He was adopted by Crepus and by extension, he is still Diluc’s adopted brother since Diluc is Crepus's biological son. Crepus still meant a lot to him, took care of him, raised him, and (in my opinion) was a great father to them both.

Also, the fact that Kaeya did not change his surname is something many adopted people do; it doesn’t mean they aren’t adopted. (I don't know which surname Kaeya used before the fallout so I assume it was Alberich but I'm not sure if this is correct. )

I am not arguing about how Kaeya personally views Mondstadt, what his feelings toward Diluc and Crepus are, or whether he truly took them to heart. I am arguing that he was in fact adopted by Crepus. Some people hate their mothers, or despise their siblings. Some people are closer to their friends than their own brother and sometimes they don't even talk to them. This also doesn't mean they aren't family.(Not the best argument, I know. Maybe you get what I mean). And adoption is complicated and many kids may not feel like they belong if we are being realistic; even if they are literally counted as part of family, legally. And this case is a representation of an adopted person feeling conflicted and distressed because they feel conflicted.

---

Not translating 义兄 as "sworn brother" or 义父 as "sworn father" is a mistake since it does not mean literal brother or literal father. But here is the thing: English translators have used "sworn sibling". Meaning, they could have translated 义兄 as sworn brother but chose not to. (This part is a bit more subjective, not proof but you get my point. )

Xingqiu directly uses the phrase “sworn siblings” in his voice line titled “About Us: Swornship”.

He says: "We should become sworn siblings, let's go to the altar at Jueyun Karst. Nope, no ifs..."

This could mean that Mihoyo was capable of translating 义兄 accurately from the beginning.

Therefore we could say that, Kaeya’s “brother” and "adoptive father" lines in cases where the chinese version was " Sworn brother" And "sworn father" 义父 could be a narrative choice. (Translating 养父 as adoptive father was accurate of course. )

Beside that, other mistranslations have been fixed in the past meaning they are capable of doing it. But this kind of mistranslation happened so many times since "brother" and "adoptive father" is mentioned many times in English lore and dialogue and there seems to be no fixing and its been many years. This is not a concrete proof but does at least show me that it might have been on purpose to not complicate things and just say "adoptive" since EN players typically don't know these chinese words and their actual meanings naturally.

---

Again, not a proof but something worth mentioning:

Adoption or non blood related families are acknowledged in Mondstadt.

Varka, Rosaria and Razor show that non biological familial ties are recognized.

Paimon's quotes:

"Brother and sister...? Varka...?"

"Oh, Paimon gets it. Varka is a father figure to both of them, so that makes them family. Just not by blood."

Rosaria quote:

"Well, blood relations are overrated anyway, don't you think?"

Conclusion: Kaeya is a complicated and rich character with ties to both his biological father and Crepus. He was adopted by Crepus, and even if he feels like he doesn't belong to Ragvindr's (I am not saying this is how I view how he feels) this wouldn't change the fact that he was a part of them as an adopted son.

Thank you for reading!

[wallpaper-inside-my-heart]

i would love to whose perspective you had in mind for all of the spommy taylors version songs!!! unless they were picked solely on vibes which is also totally valid

Oh Anon you have no IDEA what you have unleashed by asking me this question! So thank you so much for that <3 and let's go!

(I have like almost twenty pages worth of google doc with assigned lyrics and comments for why (most of) these songs fit for them and in this playlist! I will try my best to keep this as short as my brain allows...)

As I mentioned in the original Spommy (taylor's version) post, the order that we put these songs in has it's reasons. So I will go through the different relationship stages and corresponding songs one by one. And try to briefly explain whose POV it's supposed to represent and maybe highlight a few specifc lines.

Colour coding the song's main POV:

Tommy

Spencer

both

(Song assignments under the cut)

small disclaimer: obviously we are talking about a fictionalized version of "canon" that is loosely based on/inspired by stuff they have mentioned in videos and their general internet personas. None of the thoughts I'm sharing here are meant as 100% fact or true "insight" to their personal lives. We're all just having fun! (Obviously we all agree on this kind of stuff, I just need to write it down somewhere, for my own conscience)

The Before Meeting stage:

You’re on your own kid

Anti-Hero

-> both of these songs feel super tommy-coded (the whole sexy baby/monster on the hill stuff, for example, reminds me a bit of the body dysmorphia he's mentioned in a few videos)

tied together with a smile

-> this one could work either with one or both singing this about themselves or the other imo

-> just the whole aspect of trying to hold yourself together while struggling with fullfilling expectations

2. The First meeting/Beginning stage

Everything has changed

-> both of them just being fascinated by eachother upon their first meeting

mirrorball

-> a theme for a lot of the more Tommy-centric POVs of these songs was inspired mostly by the aforementioned body image issues and also the fear of living up to his own or other ppl's expectations in terms of his own creativity etc.

(I'm sure others, like maybe Spencer, struggle with parts of these aspects as well, I just feel like Tommy has talked about it more)

-> also Tommy beginning to see Spencer as someone he doesn't have to "pretend" around

cowboy like me

-> both of them recognizing pieces of themselves within the other

3. The Pining Stage

-> this stage is mostly from Spencer's POV. I believe in Pining!Tommy rights as well, however I felt like these song examples just fit Spencer a bit better given the situation

gold rush

-> aka the mini denial stage, where he falls into a daydream of what being with Tommy could be like; but not wanting to let himself indulge too much in these thoughts

also "your hair falling into place like dominoes" sounds so much like a line that could be about tommy!

Teardrops on my guitar

-> the pining is now in full force, but sadly Tommy has a boyfriend and Spencer has to suffer through him gushing about it, while he feels his crush begin to grow more and more; tho he doesn't allow himelf to do anything about his feelings

you belong with me

-> Spencer's switch from the 'good ol' fashioned pining' to "Um, actually I would fit way better with you than he does! So why can't you see what's right in front of you and start dating me instead?!"

(tho he still doesn't actually voice this outlout, yet)

4. The Flirting Stage

new romantics

-> mostly as a set-up for both of their general attitudes at the beginning of this stage and for the dancing/club theme of Gorgeous

gorgeous

-> this one is actually splitting the POV across different parts of the song

-> Verse 1 is Spencer with lines such as "compliment/made fun of the way you talk" and "you're so cool, it makes me hate you so much" (also the last time the soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend is mentioned in the playlist)

-> Verse 2 by Tommy with "talking to everyone here but you" (which reminds me of his dating answer in hot ones; but if I start talking about my thoughts on that bit, this will get way too long) and also "Ocean blue eyes looking in mine" (literally about Spencer💙)

-> the chorus is first sung by Spencer, next one Tommy and the others by both of them at eachother

-> also "Guess I'll just stumble on home to my cats… alone... Unless you wanna come along" is literally such a Spencer-coded line to me

-> also! if you or anyone wants to check out a fic of them with a slightly similar premise to this song, I can def reccomend Spencer vs Gay Panic by @soupy-girl 💗

I can see you

dress

-> with these two songs the daydreaming about the other and flirting increases

-> also I initially added this one to the list bc "flashback/your buzzcut and my hair bleached" are literally both accurate about Spencer lmao

i think he knows

-> I imagine the first verse mostly sung by Spencer and then the (pre) chorus by Tommy bc of lines like "He got that boyish look that I like in a man" and "Wanna see what's under that attitude" and of course later on"lyrical smile, indigo eyes" being about Spencer as well

5. The pre-dating stage

treacherous

-> I feel like this song has a constantly switching POV, in a duet sorta way. For example:

This slope is treacherous. This path is reckless.

This hope is treacherous. This daydream is dangerous.

but the bridge would be sung together, both deciding "I'll follow you home"

glitch

willow

jump then fall

fearless

Electric touch

-> I don't have a lot of notes on these 5 songs in particular, but the idea was basically them going from the insecurities that are still present in treacherous and seeing the thing that's developing between them as smth that just happened to them by accident, to then deciding to fully "jump into it" and letting themselves actually feel the excitement of it all in full force

6. The first few dates

begin again

-> the line "you throw your head back laughing like a little kid" fits both of them so well and I'm so soft just thinking about it

king of my heart

-> in the google doc I said that she wrote "Now you try on callin' me "baby" like tryin' on clothes" about this fic by @jovenshires and I stand by that

today was a fairytale

-> the whole first verse with "You wore a dark gray t-shirt You told me I was pretty when I looked like a mess" also feels so them-coded idk

style

-> I think this edit of them explains this better than I ever could 💖

I’m only me when I’m with you

-> it's about the "Well, you drive me crazy half the time"-but still being eachothers comfort person- of it all

snow on the beach

-> another duet style song where they take turns singing the verse and then chorus together; "Weird, but fuckin' beautiful"

-> also! I must admit that I was heavily inspired to add this song bc of this fanart by @urmxotive! which is so beautiful and reminds me of the "I've never seen someone lit from within" in this song

7. Dealing with Insecurities while being in a relationship

the archer

-> both, but especially bc "I cut off my nose just to spite my face" reminds me of what I briefly mentioned with Anti-Hero

nothing new

-> me and katie agree that this song is 100% tommy coded, but I don't wanna go into too much detail since this post is getting way too long already 🙈

peace

-> another duet-style song for them starting with tommy in v1 and then Spencer in the chorus

new year’s day

-> duet again, in the same order as the last one

stay stay stay 

-> mostly Tommy's POV and him being relieved that Spencer knows how to deal with his mood swings

safe & sound

-> and this song from Spencer's POV about essientially the same "issue"

mine

-> themacceptance of their insecurities and celebration of taking on the future together

8. Good ol' estabished relationship fluff

call it what you want

-> similar theme as peace and nothing new, but leaving those worries behind from tommy's side

-> and also "My baby's fit like a daydream" reminded me of spencer at 1:43 in this clip ( from this video)

daylight

-> also duet-style; "Maybe I've stormed out of every single room in this town" reminds me of tommy ripping up his headshots

you are in love

-> I think Katies fic explains the POVs for this perfectly 💜

paper rings

-> "I hate accidents, except when we went from friends to this" tying back into glitch etc

invisible string

-> both of them growing up in florida and also both being eye-ptach-kids?? makes me so insane when I think about it for some reason

sweet nothing

-> it's about the "You say, "What a mind". This happens all the time" and "To you, I can admit that I'm just too soft for all of it" of it all

lover

-> and, finally "Swear to be overdramatic and true" and "And you'll save all your dirtiest jokes for me" is literally them. I rest my case, your honor

So this post got wayyyy too long and was prob way more then you asked for, anon, but I hope you enjoyed my ramblings anyways 😊

I have so many more thoughts about some of these song choices (like Nothing new, peace, new year's day and several others) and their order, and also even more specifically assigned lines in my google doc for this playlist. So in case you or anyone else wants the link to that, feel free to dm me. Or if you have you're own ideas about some of these choices or are curious about some specifics, my asks are always open 🤗

[monwillica]

more spelling with ben

"J is one of the most f*cked up letters that there is"

[banditblvd]

I've found the quickest way to get out of art block is to try something new :-)

Lineless art!!!! Animation!!!!!!!

[poofpoofpurin]

lights cigarette] im still here

[pokimoko]

Could you do a bi and trans ratcoon?

Lucky for you I did a raccoon critter last year, so it was simply a matter of recolouring those to fit. Here you go! :D

[javierduffy]

I have been having... a very bad day. Any spare fluffy headcanons for the boys? (and maybe some nsfw ones if you're up to it-)

ohh no my dear helena !!! its unfortunate that you’re having a rough day today :( remember that everything is temporary and that this day, like every other hard day before (and all following after), will pass in its own time.

i can absolutely spare some fluff ! that’s all i’ve got !

• javier goes to bed at about the same time that kieran is waking up every morning, right before dawn, and it’s a common occurrence that he will forget to untie his hair before laying down for bed, especially after a long night of guard duty. kieran will notice every time, and knows himself how easily long hair can get matted, so he will beckon javier over so that he can untie his bow. usually, he’ll also take the time to run his fingers through javier’s hair to detangle it as well, so that he’s even less likely to wake up to knots. javier adores it, teetering with the weight of his head and leaning hard into kieran’s legs on each side of his shoulders- sometimes kieran will even indulge himself in giving javier a head massage. javier never sleeps better, and coincidentally, he began forgetting to take his hair down a lot more after moving out to clemen’s point ….

• javier snuck kieran his first bowl of pearson’s stew after ‘making a social call’. john kicked kieran off his horse at the entrance of camp and javier watched as the latter dredged himself through the brush to what would become his usual resting place behind the rock by the horses. he looked miserable, dead on his feet, and javier knew by then he’d been weeks without a meal. he was a dirty, disloyal, unholy traitor of an o’driscoll, but something about his sunken eyes, the shake in his hand as he lit his first cigarette as a free man again- likely to quell off the hunger- it urged javier to act in a way that he’d never felt before. javier could kill a man in cold blood easier than he could stand to watch fear starve a man even after his hands are free to reach for the bowl. the study for learned helplessness in psychology will come years later, but javier understands himself now through watching kieran’s instinctual desire to survive be beat out of him by the gang javier dedicates his life to. with a healthy amount of spite to himself, he scoops a heaping amount of fresh stew into the cleanest bowl he can find, and sets out to add a fresh layer of flesh to kieran’s prominent bones.

• following this, cooking for kieran is one of javier’s favourite things to do when they get together. javier will cook for him traditional mexican dishes from home (as best he can. both with his limited skills and also with his limited accessibility to the proper ingredients. (probably for the best that he can’t get authentic chili peppers from home and has to use a less spicy chili native to this northern climate. kieran does okay with spice but it isn’t in his genetics to truly have a high tolerance.)) and not only will it be an unknown love language from javier, to feed kieran and make sure he is full, but it will also be a love language from kieran, to let javi share a piece of home with him.

• ^ also applies to modern au javieran ! javier loves cooking, and especially for kieran. they would cook together, but kieran struggles to cook with other people in the room, and javier gets so absorbed in it that he’d likely be running into kieran or otherwise being unhelpful in aiding in making sure the dish is being cooked correctly because he’s too Locked In to guide kieran LOL but they’re more happy to simply keep each other company, anyway. kieran on the counter/table/floor, watching javier sing and dance to the music he’s blasting from their speaker. cue dancing in the kitchen when the love songs come on (here’s a good one (rip javier escuella you would have loved dannylux)). the parallel play and quality time with these two is off the charts

• come mid/late clemens point, the way javieran make most of their money for the camp is by going on days-long fishing dates, laughing and laying close to one another in the grass under a tree on the riverbank in the shroud of darkness. they come back to camp flushed as all get out but with stacks of cash in their hands wadded up so thick no one dares to ask where it came from. kieran will get excited at even the smallest of fish, perking up and sharing/asking javier for tidbits on the species. they never miss a bite, either. one time one of the bells on their bobber rods rang once and they both broke out of a very hot and heavy make-out sesh so fast that javier tripped on kieran and nearly broke both of their wrists. they laughed so hard about it, javier was certain that by the time he arrived to his rod, the fish had already successfully ripped the bait off of his hook. he reeled in a boot, at the end of it all. he never lives it down.

• kieran is ambidextrous, and javier is fascinated by it. javier stumbled upon kieran writing on one rare occasion, and noticed immediately that he was writing with his left. “left handed, huh ?” kieran cocks his head at him in thought. javier wonders why on earth he would have to stop and think about a question like that. “uhh, not really ?” well, now javier is simply confused. “right, then ? is something wrong with your dominant hand ?” “um … no, that’s not it either …” and at this point, javier is demanding kieran explain what the hell he’s talking about, and why he’s pulling a prank on him. cue kieran explaining and javier making him do all kinds of silly “tests” like writing, shooting, playing guitar (as if kieran is going to any better with either when neither of them can do it right to begin with) because he finds it so cool.

• modern au kieran gets overstimulated incredibly easily, so he’s got a pair of noise canceling over-ear headphones that he often wears to dampen sensory input and ground himself when there’s a lot going on. when it’s cleaning day, generally no matter what he’s doing, he HAS to wear his headphones. javier is left to dodge him the same way he has to dodge the cats when they’re weaving in and out of between his feet. it also leaves him to dance to his own tunes when kieran suddenly swoops or sways or dips him to the music only he can hear- though just as often, javier will catch kieran dancing by himself and he will simply be unable not to join him, even though he can’t hear what it is he’s dancing to. as overwhelming as they can be, cleaning days for javieran somehow always end up feeling more like a date than anything.

• on a similar note, kieran also wears his headphones to bed, and listens to asmr/white noise to sleep. the pressure helps him feel safe, and the silence of a room makes him anxious. he also has a terrible bedhead and rbf in the morning. both of these things javier finds incredibly charming, and if he ever does wake up when/before kieran does (incredibly rare), this is his pov (right before he tries to kiss kieran’s face off and gets shoved away with a sleepy giggle that only bolsters his aggression);

nsfw under the cut !

and how could i resist a chance to finally talk about this ;3€ ?? i’ll try to keep them fluffy !

(context, i hc both of them as tguys usually (though im content with writing javier as amab too), with both of them being absolute, unabashed switches. they have little preferences anywhere in terms of bottoming/topping, though kieran has a preference for subbing, and javier has no qualms with domming more frequently.)

• as much raunchy, animalistic sex that javieran have, they have double as much slow, loving, tender sex. and most times between, they’re having raunchy, loving, animalistic sex.

• javi loves to turn kieran’s brain off, he loves more than anything to make kieran feel so overwhelmingly pleasured that he forgets everything that ever has, ever could, or ever will happen to him. nothing gets javier off quite like seeing the face of bliss kieran makes when all he can think about is javier’s mouth/hands/cock working overtime just to make him feel good.

• both of them i think are quite vocal when they’re able to be, and kieran tends to be vocal whether he’s supposed to be or not. both of them often dissolve into whimpers and “i love you”s and praise like “you feel/sound/taste so good” by the end. their love for each other has a carnal grasp on every aspect of their sex lives as well <3 so they’re always speaking so sweetly to each other, even if the way they growl it seems violent

• javier LOVES love bites. he loves to mark kieran up and he especially loves to bite and lick and suck on his neck, not only because of the primal aspect of his jugular being so close (as well as the warmth of his pulse thrumming against his mouth), but also because it arouses kieran to the point of making him shiver nearly every time. javier has permission to bite him hard, but it’s pretty rare that he ever does, and it’s only late into their relationship does javier feel like it will be more pleasure for him than it would just be pain. sometimes he can’t help it though, he’ll get so worked up that he just latches on and the way that kieran tightens around him is mind-numbing.

• unironically i think kieran is a GREAT soft dom, and that is something that javier generally had never experienced prior to getting with kieran. javi thinks it’s hot to be man-handled and roughed up, and kieran can do his very best (despite the constant guilt and fear) if javier is really feeling it, but where he really excels is soft domming. once the nerves melt off, he’s so gentle with javier that it makes the latter’s skin hot all over. constantly praising him, cooing at him, asking him nicely, rewarding him for good behavior, all the while touching him oh-so-gently, it all makes javier feel so awkward but so, so good. kieran makes him feel so loved and worshipped that the world in which he has anything to question simply just fades away, and all he has to think about is doing what meager tasks kieran asks of him.

• they find so much peace in each other’s bodies. in every rib and wrinkle and sunspot, these two will spend hours simply exploring and enjoying the body of the other in whatever the closest form of “privacy” they can manage to acquire. turns out, kieran has sunspots all over him. turns out, javier has a keloid scar on the back of his bicep. turns out, kieran has a mole on his scalp right where his part is (this is canon btw i saw it once when i was studying him in photo mode like a specimen in a petri dish), and javier has back dimples, and kieran’s ribs stutter and dance beautifully when he laughs, and the flex of javier’s thighs warps his skin like a marble statue. javier escuella and kieran duffy love like artists, and they spend hours just learning and looking and studying each other, like a painter with his muse, like a writer with his words, like the last things they want to see while they’re dying are all the hours they spent learning the beauty of the other.

i could honestly come up with more but it would never leave my drafts, so i hope u like these that i came up with as quick as i could :’) ! i hope you’re feeling better and have gotten some good rest !! thank you for the ask !!!!!

[hunting-for-sport]

it's kind of hard to put this into words but something that's been on my mind since jjk ended and there was a boom of post canon fan content being made for it, is that it always really irks me when people act like a "happy" ending is possible at all for characters staying within the jujutsu world, like in the case of yuuji and megumi especially, characters who have been continuously exploited by jujutsu society (not unique to just them, but made particularly obvious by them being basically the sole focus of the main narrative by the second half of the manga) and were unwittingly thrown in/forced to become a part of it in the first place, the idea that just because sukuna is gone everything is suddenly great comes off as really dissonant, like i think it would make sense for characters to act like that's the case in the months immediately following shinjuku showdown because yeah, objectively shit does look great compared to how it was in that arc (which is why, despite some qualms i do have with it, i've never particularly minded that aspect of the ending, since it took place over such a limited time frame) but imo it realistically becomes obvious relatively quickly that the immediate threat of sukuna wasn't the only problem, and that in the long term, a society built from the ground up pretty much solely on the exploitation of those who keep it running cannot sustain a happy ending for anyone

[king-spite]

genuinely believe that the only correct way to approach the whole marecal vs mareven deal is to adore all three of them with your whole heart. and see them as a trio rather than a love triangle. like sorry but if you don't lowkey fw all of them and like each of them as a character on their own AND accept the many layers of the relationship they have with one another you're not getting things right :/

[mc-tummy-blur]

Do I have any canonical proof that they were friends? No.

Am I going to believe that they were friends? Yes.

He’s showing her plants and she’s telling him the Latin name for them

Click for better quality

Check my pinned post to see links on how you can help the people of Palestine

[synthshenanigans]

I'm curious as to peoples idea for what he'd do for the next power hour so

[These all being popular ideas or ppl he's mentioned]

This was all just a ploy to get you to read my info dump theory on the concept of a Chonny Jash Power Hour loser HAHAHA

Im joking tho. Not about my CJPH theory, that is very much real but I'm not forcing you to read it lol

However if you're curious, my inane rambles are further down :}

[Long Rant Post Below]

Okay so I'm gonna start with the basic idea I got it from; that being Nerd. Nerd already foreshadowed the THDPH & the WWPH [Even down to the last song for each of them] Not only that, but he references the stuff hes done in the past as well with a break/pause inbetween.

[This is what I mean]

The first three being all stuff he already did. BDG with Pocket, Tally Hall with Vol.1 & then Cage by Tim Minchin being the start the power hours.

The next two being the power hours he would do after this song [Memento Mori & Charlie's Inferno-Will Wood & That Handsome Devil]. But those are the only songs he would reference in Nerd, leaving no more clues as to what the last one would be. The only thing left in it is the video game references & Stairway to Heaven in the ending. [Which oddly enough also fit the pattern in a way. StH being about dying and the afterlife like Memento Mori & Chonny's Inferno and the video game references being all covers he made on his old channel]

While the VG refs could be a hint at a Videogame or Toby Fox Power Hour, I think at most, if its a clue at all, hinting at the next thing he does is recovering old songs.

----

Next, a couple of his songs reference his past stuff. Fine, I'm Fine has a good amount of lines that vaguely refer back to songs from the before [heres a post that goes more into it that's pretty cool!!]. And more importantly Dear Machine references Pocket, Dream (Outro from Calamity) & wings of wax. Pocket being later used in Nerd & the mention of Icarus coming back in Art. Not only that, but the voice in the very end Thermodynamic Lawyer is the exact same [if not very close to] voice filter/effect he uses in Dear Machine. Even down to the British accent he does in it. [Tho it is fairly normal for a music artist to reference their older songs in their music so it could be nothing]

Speaking of Dear Machine tho, quick thing to add about it is that it shows he not against covering his own songs. While yea technically its just a different version of Ode of the Cog, DM,HtC in a way counts as a cover of OotC. Same goes for bargaining/compromise & The Ballad of Dr. Jekyll.

----

Another idea with a CJPH is that in the CJFS discord theres a "Question of the Day" Channel. Where, as the name says, a Mod or Helper will ask a CJ related question & everyone can give their idea/imput on it. For Day 100, as a special fun lil thing, they asked Chonny if he wanted to give a question for that day. His question being:

And yes he does say that he doesnt plan on doing anything like that in future [if he even were to do it]. I fully believe he wasn't lying there & honestly I never saw him redoing any song ever until I had the idea of a CJPH [aside from stuff like Spring and a Storm & Storm and a Spring obviously]. But this is the best idea I could ever see him doing that. Also that question was from early August so a fair amount of time has passed. Whether thats enough time to equal "at least in the near future at all" I have no clue, but it is a thought.

----

One of my last points [that I remember atm lol] is on how he would end the power hours. Cos like, while yea he does whatever he wants & doesn't rlly follow what anyone says or asks [which I 100% agree with & is completely valid btw], I'd imagine he'd still want to end the PHs with a bang. Which is why I originally didnt think the recent one would be Will Wood.

He's stated a couple of time that hes one of his favorite artist & he definitely knows that a huge chunk of his fan base listen to WW as well. So why not end with that? Why not end with one of the most requested artist people wanted him to cover? Why wouldn't he end with a power hour of the artist that was his #1 on his Spotify Wrapped? What else could he do after that? Well maybe he'd go with his #2 artist? WHICH IS JUST HIMSELF BBYYYY

Plus, the name Power Hour already comes from this:

So it's very likely he's had himself play multiple times in a row & had a "Chonny Jash Power Hour".

Of course theories are just theories so there's always the chance I'm wrong & just insane. And again he does whatever he wants whenever he wants so who knows what it'll be. I just think id be an interesting idea for him to do.

As for how a Chonny Jash Power Hour would look? Maybe each song being a cover of a song from a past album or single? I'd imagine one from the before. & Covered in Discontent [maybe Gothic Whore?]. Like remake Pocket since its been referenced so much, tho that's still just a BDG cover so who knows. the before. would be interesting just to see how his perspective has changed since he originally wrote those songs. Gothic Whore he already has 2 songs that have a story version & a him version so I can see him doing another.

I HIGHLY doubt he'd do anything related to Vol.1 as its his completely separate thing & he doesn't rlly wanna touch any song that's TH/HMS related until whenever he feels like starting Vol.2 [which is valid lol]. If anything I could maybe see like TWWAY, Special or maybe Greener? Or go a different route with the og I'm Gonna Win or like a more outta the box one with like Just a Friend [only cos be did a 20 second "cover" of it in Mucka Blucka]. Again, I do not see him touching anything Vol.1 related but still something to entertain ig? [4th TME cover; The Chonny Electric when/j]

Tho maybe he'd just remake songs that he he fully made [like the before. or Gothic Whore], since those are more of actual Chonny Jash songs rather than the others just being covers. Would be very cool to maybe see a remake of some of his Majora's Mask song tho [no this isn't me coping over HEAL not being on spotify shush]. Or maybe he'd do songs from his old stuff like Don't Take it Personally? [also not me coping over wanting that song on Spotify too]

Idk these are just my thoughts on the idea of a CJPH [or even a Can of Soup Power Hour/j]. Either way I am gonna say idc what he'd do, BDG or Streetlight Manifesto are my other guesses, but anything he makes is always rll good & fun so I'll be interested to see whatever it is.

But ya know considering I typed all this out in the span of an hour & a half I kinda hope im not wrong PFFT

[space-spring]

hey just wanted to say sorry real quick if I've been radio silent for a bit! I left my job a bit ago and I've been cramming in a bunch of medical things before I lose my health insurance, so my brain's been a little fried