#also as someone who has been dealing with extremely traumatizing things since i was very little horror movies are very much

[code01746]

once again thinking about how cora is probably a goth with a closet interest in horrorcore & grindhouse because the idea of people with very sunny dispositions being interested in horror is funny to me.

[shipmansflannels]

the yellowjackets with a younger s/o...

hey, I'm back! it didn't take me long, right? it must be because I have too many things to write on this blog, finally (and I have relatively enough time to organize my ideas for now). so I thought, I made a headcannon of the young yellowjackets, but I might as well make the adult survivors, right? anyway, maybe this is also a sign to say that I will "moderately" write stories with the adult versions, too. who cheered? anyway, without further ado, let's go! thanks for the likes on the first post, I'm glad you liked it! enjoy! sorry for any grammatical or coherence errors, english is not my first language and I'm trying to improve!

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dating a younger person with the yellowjackets women...

shauna shipman.

okay, it's canonical that shauna would have no problem being in a relationship with someone younger.

I mean, even after adam, I think she would be willing to try.

it would be a lot easier in her mind, because dating someone younger means being able to reconnect with callie more easily too.

in shauna's mind, the two of you would be best friends based on your approximate age, regardless of how old you were.

now in terms of dating shauna, i think she would inevitably be an easy going person, to a certain extent.

overprotective as hell, of course, because she's lost so many people she loves over time (and it's become an incurable trauma in her life), that she can't bear to lose you.

she would also cook for you (rabbit meat inserted) all the time, especially if you felt like eating something special.

oh yes, the weekends would have to include callie with you, which is actually not a problem. at least not for you.

I feel like shauna hasn't been, since she was a teenager, someone who would be involved in loud parties or anything like that, so probably the perfect date for her would be watching a movie at home, wrapped in blankets with you, popcorn and soda and a solitude considerable enough for you to kiss, exchange affection and even make out (or have sex) without anyone to get in the way.

natalie scatorccio.

natalie, like shauna, would also have no problem dating someone younger.

since her life has always been full of risks and she was never very afraid of taking most of them, I honestly think that age never made much of a difference to her, at least not after middle age.

but to be honest, dating natalie comes with a combo of even bigger problems and risks that you wouldn't be able to deal with if you didn't love her so much.

I see natalie completely using her s/o as an outlet, or a shield. after rehab, you would be like a kind of warning for her to control herself.

not that it wouldn't also include (if you're a smoker) the two of you smoking in your spare time when you're bored.

natalie would be the kind of girlfriend you could have any conversation in the world with, sober or not. she probably has and gained enough empathy to listen to you and give you accurate advice on how to live your life.

making out a lot and having sex in unusual places also counts.

in my head, despite everything, natalie is the master of serving affection. spooning with her is the best whenever you need it.

she would do anything for you. everything really. anything.

she would be able to get into a fight for you. and risking her own life as well.

lottie matthews.

number one defender of the thesis: "age is just a number".

lottie is literally the personification of quality time and acts of service.

much because of her lonely life, her traumatic and confusing teenage years and the relationships she maintained with people over time, lottie would probably never want you to lack for anything, so any opportunity she has to be with you, she will be, even on her worst days.

arts and crafts dates with her when she is not taking care of camp green pine. you spend hours enjoying each other's company, and the whole world falls silent.

extremely overprotective of you too. just the thought of losing you because of her own insecurities leaves lottie haunted for weeks if she stops to think about it.

she is the ideal companion for anxiety and panic attacks.

she will most likely use the techniques she learned over time with you. if they work, that's another matter. (they always work because in the end it was never about lottie's gift, it was about her company).

a little submissive, a little dominant during sex. lottie is probably the typical "am I hurting you?" at the right time and even if you insist no, she will ask again just to be sure.

she's also the master spooner (I literally see you two fighting over who's going to be the big spoon every night).

taissa turner.

ok, public life has always been a problem for taissa.

but when she's with you, she's able to forget about it for a few minutes.

despite all this freedom, taissa never lets you go out unaccompanied (without a bodyguard) or lets you read the headlines or see the commercials about her first, for fear of any criticism about your age difference.

but more than anything, it's you she turns to when the stress finally gets to her on the worst days.

I see her making any effort for you, and I see her trying to keep a fine line between you and her old life too.

this includes your relationship with sammy, which, in fact, has always been the best possible, and her friendly relationship with simone as well. taissa knows that she cannot take her son out of her ex-wife's life and, even so, she makes a point of including you in family programs with him.

she will literally spend it all on you. anything you ask for, even with a high amount of money, she will buy.

it's probably a way of apologizing about her sleepwalking and her traumas making her even remotely distant from you for some time.

like I said, you're the one she looks for when crises end up attacking her mental health. she won't sleep if you're not safe in bed with her and she makes a point of being snuggled in her arms so she doesn't have any sleepwalking attacks in the middle of the night.

dates with her are always in fancy places, but taissa doesn't care about them that much.

anniversaries, yes, she always takes you to dinner at a fancy restaurant.

but, on her days off, she would easily choose to just spend time with you watching a stupid series or a cliché movie while you sleep cuddling in the middle of it.

sex always, sex anywhere, sex on any occasion. you will never miss this, you can be sure.

van palmer.

this nerdy woman deserves the world and a significant other who doesn't know half of her references.

you two are a match made in heaven, for sure.

van wouldn't waste time trying to get you to watch all the movies that were popular in her time. and she would use your ability to tinker with technology for the video store whenever necessary.

this woman is literally the embodiment of girlfriend material.

quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, she has mastered every love language in existence, you bet.

van will always cook for you. there are rare nights when she lets you make dinner or even order any junk food.

she would also stop whatever she was doing so she could cuddle with you whenever you needed her.

dates with van are always at the cinema, or at an amusement park, or, when she is a little less in debt, at a tourist spot around the world that you would mention that you want to see.

she has good enough memory to remember them all.

the sex is always good, always affectionate, and every now and then, when she's not tired, you'd try a quickie in the bedroom for just a little while, until you feel satisfied.

hopeless romantic until the end of time.

misty quigley.

a walking red flag, misty would probably treat a relationship with someone younger as if it were a great adventure.

well, if you like crazy women, misty is your ideal partner.

she has a bit of a misconception about taking care of you and keeping you safe, so every now and then she'll make a point of checking your calendar and trying to monitor meetings with people in your circle, just to make sure there's no problem.

but this is also a good thing because, if there is a specific date or specific problem, she will remember it and make everyone special, in her own way.

anyway, but she's a good girlfriend too, aside from the weirdness. she has everything under control, she is attentive to you and makes a point of making your day better if it is bad.

dates with her don't need much. If it's in a cafe relaxing and talking about her day, if it's watching crime series or chatting with her about citizen detectives, she'll be happy.

sex is also good, to be honest. I see misty as the roleplay girl, so if she's in the mood to roleplay with you, you can be sure she'll do it. from weirdest to sexiest, it also depends on her day.

she achieved the feat of making a young person like a bird and want to have a bird at home. she is, at the moment, the only one of them to be able to do this masterfully.

[zeroducks-2]

Do you really think reverse flash is in love with Barry? I don't mean for this to sound snarky I'm just confused. Thawne killed Barry's mom how can you say he's in love with him? I like all the things you post and rb about them I really enjoy the ship. I just don't get it can you explain?

The question "how can Eobard be in love with Barry if he hurt him" has both a short answer and a long answer. The short answer is that people are very much capable of hurting the ones they love, on purpose or by accident.

The long answer is that Eobard is a deeply disturbed individual who has never been the recipient of love, and because of that and of many extremely traumatic events (including but not limited to being brainwashed in prison, being trapped in a timeless limbo alone for years, being tortured and treated like cattle and put in sensory deprivation for ludicrous amounts of time, dying at the hands of the only person who had ever shown compassion towards him), he has a skewed perception of a lot of things and is extremely bad at emotional regulation.

Moreover, and this is something which is easy to overlook but it's actually very important, Eobard is not human. His actions are informed by his traumas, but the way he approaches pretty much everything (including his "problems" with Barry) isn't done the way a human would.

Eobard is a timeless, deathless creature which embodies one of the driving forces of reality itself (the Negative Speed Force). He lived probably more than a few hundred years considering how he keeps running around through time doing stuff, and how he keeps going back to watch past events and adjust the way he will interact with the timeline next.

He knows the huge impact that killing Nora will have on Barry, but from a moral and ethical standpoint it's not a big deal for him. Nora is less than a speck in time, an NPC who served her role for that briefest moment in which she existed. She is a big deal because she is a big deal for Barry, not because she's meaningful in any other way.

"But then he did want to hurt Barry when he killed her" Yes, absolutely he wanted to. Eobard didn't "just" kill Nora Allen - he went back in time and changed everything about Barry's life, made it so he had no friends, made him grow isolated and insecure and shy, lacking confident in his abilities. And he did it because he is very, VERY angry with Barry for one, and also because isolating Barry makes it easier for them to grow closer.

And it worked! Back in the Silver Age, when Nora and Henry were alive and not in prison, Barry couldn't be bothered with Eobard. For him Eo was just a random criminal with superspeed, and sure he was threatening because speedsters always are, but not that much of a big deal.

Now? Now Eobard is a primary element in Barry's life, a constant he's had to deal with basically since birth, someone who rewritten his entire life to make himself part of it in an indelible manner.

It worked because now Barry is more likely to fall for Eobard's manipulation, to listen to him, to just accept that he's THERE because he's always been. Near the end of Running Scared, Eobard tells him "run away with me", and Barry says yes.

Back in the Silver Age there would have been no way.

It's worth mentioning that to understand Eobard, you need to understand that everything he does, every single thing, has the end goal of being with Barry. Whether he's trying to protect him or trying to hurt him or trying to manipulate him, whether they manage to work together against a common enemy or they're on opposite sides of the fight, every single one of Eobard's actions is motivated by love (his personal, inhuman version of love).

"But if that is the case, then why doesn't he just tell Barry 'I love you'?"

Two reasons, and one is meta.

The in-story reason is that every time Eobard tried to do something good without masking it as horrible, it went sideways and backfired spectacularly - mix that with poor emotional regulation, and you have someone who's not going to be able to handle rejection and is outright scared of doing good things openly. I think if he told Barry "I love you" and Barry reacted badly it would hurt too much. Also he wants Barry to understand, and thanks to a couple of competent writers who sadly don't work on Flash anymore, we were getting there.

The meta reason is because DC is homophobic, plain and simple. Eobard DID SAY I love you many times except with words, because DC editorials won't let him. That's it. It's the same reason why Joker can't tell Batman "I love you" and has to do weird ass word plays and even more weird ass attention seeking maneuvers. They're stunted by reasons which no one but DC itself can control.

So in short. How can Eobard be in love with Barry and hurt him so much at the same time? Because he doesn't have many ways of express love, he has a hard time being caring, and every time he allows himself to be soft it backfires. Because he wants Barry to belong to him and will isolate him and make him suffer to get there. Because he's angry with Barry -- Barry hurt him too, rejected him and left him alone and refused to accept that Eobard is his lightning rod for a long time.

Eobard easily lashes out when he's hurt, and the less grounded he is the more vicious and violent he turns.

"But Zero, how can Eobard think that Barry will ever forgive him for having killed his mom?"

I don't believe Eobard was ever looking for forgiveness, but fun fact. Barry did forgive him already. Barry is not human either, and at this point I think he'd forgive Eobard just about anything, and despite how difficult everything is between them, he really wants to get to a place where they don't need to hurt each other.

The problem with this, and it's one of the reasons why they have so many issues communicating, is that Barry is in denial about many things - about being the Speed Force, about Eobard being in love with him, about how they're two constants through time and two sides of the same coin and basically can't exist without each other, about how they're each other's lightning rod.

Their relationship is very complex, absolutely not what it looks like at first glance, and it's colored by all the hurt there is between them. But again, ultimately understanding Eobard is understanding that love is what motivates him, even when he does the most horrible unhinged things.

In conclusion, have this panel from The Flash Age which is one of my favorite Flash comics, in which you can see the way these two manage to trust each other and fall into the right rhythm, despite the oceans of misunderstandings and suffering between them.

Pages from The Flash Age, by Joshua Williamson. In which Barry tells Eobard to "do the right thing", and Eobard just does it.

[obae-me]

Omg Hi!!! It has been so long since I have seen you on my dash! How are you doing love? I hope you are doing super well ^.^ I recently saw your Mc with trauma post. I loved it so much, and it has also given me a lot to mull over the past few days lol.

Honestly I love the idea of a traumatized Mc and the brothers feeling like absolute shit for the way they treated them in the beginning... but yk another part of me wonders when I imagine my own traumas in that scenario... that for people (the bros- literal demons) who have faced so many things and traumas in their own lives, whether my feelings or pain is even comparable to that. Ik you can't compare things like that and the brothers would probably even be mad if I think of my feelings this way since it's the "Ohhhh someone always has it worse. It's not even that bad so just suck it up" self-deprecating part of me. Despite knowing ALL THAT I can't help but think that I am not traumatized enough to deserve empathy lmao (I realize how stupid it sounds saying it out loud).

So that is what REALLY got me thinking. What about an Mc that is genuinely terrified of scrutiny, being a nuisance and just basically inconveniencing anyone for things that are just basic needs. Idk if I am explaining it well enough oof and a mc like that (like me lmao) certainly won't bode well with Lucifer. Atleast not in the beginning. I could hate him (I could never but if I did) but still be terrified of disappointing him. This is what I mean when I say I love him but he reminds me too much of my father habits wise 🤢.

I am thinking a Mc who is afraid of asking even their basic needs at the beginning once Lucifer mumbled about them being too much trouble. Mc who feels so extremely guilty when the brothers get anything for them, cuz they feel like they have to work for it or they don't deserve it. Mc whose blood freezes over when they break something and try to replace it as quick as possible so no one blames them. Mc who never expresses their concerns so as to not add to the brothers' already full plates or worry them. It hurts to bottle it all up but seeing the brothers' concerned faces with so much PITY is a thousand times worse. Mc who never complains and adjusts to even unfair situations so as to not be a bother. Mc who just takes, takes and takes everything bad and doesn't say a word cuz they feel like they deserve it. Mc who tells little white lies to hide their flaws and be the perfect exchange student and avoid scoldings and criticisms ; only to stew in shame, disgust, self-loathing when someone eventually catches up on one of the lies (the person probably didn't even make a big deal of it/ was only mildly disappointed but Mc feels their heart breaking in two as they think they have broken their trust forever and would never be trusted again)

Gosh this got way longer than I was expecting >.< and a lot of signs like these aren't really obvious until you are close to that person. I think so many of us are so hard and rutheless to ourselves when sometimes the thing we need the most is a little compassion and understanding ;-;

Hi! I love seeing you in my inbox and thank you! I've been in recovery mode for the last few months but am finally coming back out of that cave and working on my hobbies again (seriously going too long without writing almost feels like going without food for me)! I hope you've been doing well too!

And oof, yes, I understand what you're saying completely. I'm like that too in a lot of ways, keeping certain details or complaints to myself because "Oh surely what I've been to is really nothing". And sometimes I let something slip and people get very concerned. Which is validating in a way, not that I need to be validated for it, everyone goes through their own pain and awful things SUCK no matter to what extent it is and I've had to learn that through my life.

(Wow that MC really is just me, huh? Calling me out are you? /j)

Honestly this type of MC is just canon to me. (I mean, the more pithy responses the MC has in original OM might just be due to writing but to me it just seems like the calm and general response of someone throwing out NPC answers as a survival tactic.)

They suck things up and soak up everything that's been said to them and work hard to remain a normal functioning being.

And of course Lucifer is an interesting character to think about with this MC because on one hand the human could absolutely despise him for the way he treats them. Or on the other hand (if you're like me I guess, which I realize is hella unhealthy, oops) the MC could look up to him and work extra hard to try to gain his validation, because getting praise from someone like that means you must not be a failure, right?

And just...the dynamic of that is so appealing to me, because Lucifer loves when people work hard and do what they're told, but then if he finally comes to the realization that they're burning out and actually almost putting themselves in more danger and harm because of HIM? And at the end of the day he's doing more damage than any of his chaotic brothers? (I like to have him spiral and be humbled just a bit)

Just all of the brothers doing some deep introspection once they come to care for MC and needing to sit down and realize that probably made their human feel so much worse and then spending the rest of eternity trying to fix that. And then the "I can fix him" mentality from MC turns into the "I can fix them" from every other character. A special Uno Reverse, if you will.

Oops, this turned into a fairly long ramble of my own...

Thanks for popping into my inbox with your thoughts! Traumatized MC deserves some extreme love

[oswald-can-draw]

About your mlp infection au!! I love this one so much I'm so interested!! Maybe give us a rundown of a couple of the survivors and how equestrias chances are looking? How did the ponies infected by black magic change and mutate? Can spike or other species like dragons, griffins and zebras get infected since they dont have cutiemarks? Are foals who dont have cutiemarks yet immune until they get their cutiemark? How does that play in? Im so sorry if this is too many questions, I really love this au and I think its really cool!!! Its a really well thought out idea and I think its awesome!!! :D I hope you have a nice day! ❤️

Someone being an autistic beast about my work is the highest compliment, so never apologize for that!

But, boy howdy, have we got a lot of ground to cover!

Let’s take it step by step:

1. FOALS

Foals (or those without their cutie mark), are a very complex cog in this AU. On one hand, they don’t have their cutie mark, so they can’t be infected, as there is no magic to corrupt. Great!

The bad news? Getting one’s cutie mark is often an unplanned thing, which means any foal can become susceptible to the Meanie Mark Virus at any time. There are many ways to deal with this.

One common one is to wrap the foal’s flank with compression gauze. Half a desperate idea, and half a way to forget their child’s vulnerability (or to hide when they DO get a cutie mark). Somepony suggested that it could “keep back” a cutie mark, and the rest of the populace decided to go with it.

Another way is to just try and keep the foal from anything that interests them. This works to a point, but the stress from their friends and family on the brink of death every day, and now any sliver of joy that they can find in this hellscape is strictly forbidden. This can cause a once rare, but quickly becoming more common developmental condition known as “Muted Cutie”. This causes a cutie mark to appear, but it’s based off of an outside tension, such as familial pressure, cutie conditions, and lack of input. It’s like a magical wisdom tooth — keeping the actual cutie mark from developing and causing pain and stress to the pony.

The third option is a last resort: quietly “taking care” of foals that were of cutie mark age or freshly marked.

Having a foal of a certain age can bar you from going into certain populated areas, getting ample supplies, and even contact with other ponies.

Of course, this is EXTREMELY traumatizing for the foal. Feeling like they aren’t wanted and that they aren’t allowed even the smallest of joys can make life miserable.

2. OTHER SPECIES

* Zecora’s redesign is based off of the Karo tribe, a small tribe famous for body painting and self expression. Though I have done as much research as I can, there is still room for error. If there is something inaccurate, please let me know so I can fix the redesign accordingly.

Other species may not get the Meanie Mark illness, per se, but they do have reactions to parts of the evil clones that seep into the soil or the corpses of already infected ponies.

Griffins, for example, get something similar to food poisoning, with nausea, vomiting, and unseasonal molting. This is their body attempting to purge the toxins. Their flying also becomes affected, with severe bouts of vertigo and lost sense of direction. For the average, healthy griffin, this usually only lasts a week or so. However, if a griffin is elderly, injured, or any sort of health condition, this infection could be fatal. Fortunately, since griffins are so far from the Everfree Forest and spend so little time on the ground, this sickness is very rare, especially with certain security measures set in place.

Dragons are even luckier. Their stomachs are able to digest any trace of the infection, neutralizing it before it can cause any real damage. However, there is a phenomenon that has been unearthed due to dragons. The gems found near their volcano-filled home can actually be infused with the disease. The only sign of this having occurred is a slightly darker hue and a “rotten” taste, according to the dragons. A few dragons have been enlisted to dispose of infected material, as them consuming it is the only way it can be disposed of without putting more ponies at risk. Not many are up for the task.

Zebras, on the other hoof, have quite the reaction to infected material. While they aren’t infected with the true disease, the special, magical markings and body paint can give the bacteria something to feed on. This can cause weakness, confusion, gastrointestinal distress, rashes, burns, irritability, and even aggression. Zebras often have to be quarantined from the rest of their tribe in order to keep the disease from spreading and the victim from hurting anyone or anything. Removal of paint and markings can help, and are often reapplied after recovery, with additional markings showing their bravery, strength, and health. Unfortunately, some of them do not survive.

Any other living thing, including birds, mammals, plant life, and insects all have generally poor reactions upon exposure. Common themes in symptoms include weakness, vomiting, and confusion. Plants will turn away from the sun. Dogs will whine and curl into a ball. Birds will run into things and screech. Survival depends on the age, health, size, and care plan of a creature. Among them, usually about 73% survive.

Though no other species has the guaranteed death from the disease that ponies do, it can still cause some nasty, or even deadly, side effects.

3. BLACK MAGIC

Since the Meanie Mark Illness is already a form of black magic, just more widespread and deadly, the disease has horrendous effects on those who have already succumbed to dark magic.

Though it’s a rare instance, the phenomenon has been observed. Whether the black magic or the illness comes first, it always begins and ends the same way:

First, a pony becomes much, MUCH more powerful. Instead of gradually gaining this talent through the virus, their black magic reaches a feverish pitch. The pony begins to have uncontrollable displays of magic, usually of the destructive kind. Explosions, rays, death, and evil spells emanate from them without stopping. This has caused many hasty villains to try and catch the famous Meanie Mark Illness — with this power, they think, taking over the world would be easy.

Second, the two opposing powers battling for control inside the pony begin to destroy the victim from the inside. See, the reason why ponies become a husk-like corpse and turn to dust at the end of the Meanie Mark’s cycle is because of the Tree of Harmony’s magic fighting the dark magic of the virus, which ends up destroying the pony in the process. But with the black magic far overpowering the Tree of Harmony, the pony has a different problem — their body can’t handle such raw power.

The pony’s hair begins to fall out, their veins swell, their skin begins to blacken with gangrene as less and less blood goes to extremities. The pony ends up rotting from the inside out, black sludge oozing from their mouth and eyes, magic still pouring out of them. Their cutie mark, both subdued from the virus and given immense power from the black magic, sputters and shines and pulses.

Finally, a pony will die within a few days, their corpse zombified and rotting. However, those who do survive the ordeal have poor quality of life, as their joints, brains, and some of their organs hardly work anymore. They will live either as a wandering corpse or a patient for their friends and family to take care of until their demise in the near future.

In other words, this is a quicker but much more painful death!

4. CHANCES FOR EQUESTRIA?

This disease can be spread very easily, especially among unicorns. If an infected unicorn casts a spell on another pony, they too will catch Meanie Mark. Other than that, a pony either has to come in contact with infected soil/plant life, an animal that has eaten said infected material, or a corpse. This means that, though the illness will be slow to spread at first, it will pick up speed as time goes on.

With the emphasis on foals and the amount that are being killed for mercy or safety’s sake, repopulating is going to be difficult.

As for a cure…perhaps the dragons can help, since they are the only one’s completely immune? Or maybe they could at least offer hints about how to stop this horrible disease?

All this to say — there is a chance of survival. But is Equestria quick enough to find a cure? Or at least keep the disease at bay?

BONUS - SURVIVORS (NOT COMPLETE):

1. Spike: Being a dragon has its perks. But being surrounded by ponies does not.

2. Big Mac: The pony you would want in an apocalypse. Still mourning the infection of his sisters.

3. Discord: Could he even…get sick? Isn’t he part pony? But he doesn’t have a cutie mark…

4. Rainbow Dash: Cloudsdale is on lockdown, and isn’t allowing anypony in or out. But it’s like herding winged cats.

5. Winona: Aids Big Mac. Since eating an infected piece of flesh, she avoids the infected like the plague.

6. Sweetie Belle: Was staying with Scootaloo right before Rarity got infected. Apple Bloom would have come, but she didn’t feel well…

7. Scootaloo: Her inventions are invaluable. But her lack of a quick way to escape could be the death of her one day.

[qfzeeph]

♡Kaito (Vocaloid) x Reader/Master HCs [4]♡

Hey guys! As many of you know, April is Sexual Assualt Awareness Month. I myself am a SA survivor with (ongoing evaluation, but and I quote "very likely") PTSD, and I take a lot of comfort in the idea that my favorites would take care of me since many people in real life who assured they would have failed to do so. I've been... kind of afraid to post these since they are very personal to me and I wasn't sure what kind of response this would envoke. If this doesn't really resonate with you, I appreciate the fact you're willing to read through it anyway. If it does, I hope it brings you as much comfort as it brings me.

So For the Fourth installment of this series, I'd like to write about Kaito taking care of a SA survivor with PTSD symptoms similar to mine.

I think this goes without saying, but CW for mentions of SA and talk of PTSD-Related things.

☆When you finally open up to him about what happened to you, it breaks his heart. He can't believe someone would even think about doing that to you.

☆Kaito is extremely considerate of your boundaries. He’s not one to push or try and “make you get over it,” if it makes you uncomfortable he wants no part of it.

☆ Kaito is also a fantastic listener. If you need to spill and cry out about things that have happened, he’s going to hold you close and give you all the comfort and love he can. Moving forward is not always easy, especially when memories plague you. He’s going to do his very best to comfort you and remind you that you’ll always be safe in his arms. And it doesn’t matter how many times he has to tell you that, he always will without fuss or question. He wants to make you feel as safe as possible and understands that the traumatic memories can and will come back to haunt you, oftentimes against your will.

☆Speaking of, you having flashbacks or resurgances of traumatic memories are never a “mood killer” or off putting to him. It’s something that unfortunately happens, and that’s okay. If you need physical space during these times, he’ll happily give it. If you’d rather have him hold you close and hug you until it passes, he’ll gladly oblige to that as well. Whatever helps you is what he’s going to do.

☆ If you’re the type who wants to reclaim what has been taken from you, he’s gladly going to do whatever he can to help you, on your terms of course. He understands how hard this is for you and how important reclamation can be. If at any point things go too far for you, he’ll gladly stop right away no matter what. YOUR comfort and safety comes before his enjoyment.

☆ If you’re completely sex repulsed, he’s 100% okay with that too! Kaito loves you for you after all. Being a part of your life is more than enough to satisfy him to begin with.

☆He'll always, always, always be there for you. No matter what. You could tell him anything about what's on your mind and why it's bothering and he'll sit there and listen and talk you through it no matter how in depth or graphic it is. Kaito loves you unconditionally no matter what. You'll always be his darling despite your battle scars.

☆Kaito thinks you're incredibly strong and brave at the end of it all, you're still here despite everything and he's so proud of you for continuing to push forward. And he'll never let you forget that he's proud of you either.

Well, that's about all for this post. Thank you so much for reading through to the end. Again, reiterating these are based off of things I personally have to deal with in terms of trauma-related memory resurgances and things that would make me comfortable and I understand that may not be the same for everyone who's gone through something like this. Remember to take care of your friends who are survivors, and to take care of yourself as well if you've gone through this hell as well. Stay strong out there, I believe in you and so does Kaito!

[katyspersonal]

Djura x Valtr divorce thoughts

Tbh the first thing I thought about when I've learned this bit was that Valtr commissioned this weapon specifically, rather than just used one of them cool Powder Kegs inventions, but it could be even so much more!

'Old hunter' is the term referring to the Hunters of Gehrman's type, the different kind than Church's ones, and we know Djura is one of the Old Hunters as well! It would only make sense that Valtr got in Yharnam around the time when they were pretty active, especially since the pieces of Constable Set (corpses of his dead friends) are picked around Hunter's Nightmare, which is specifically built around Old Hunters era! It is also easy to assume that in that era, Powder Kegs were not active and instead it was Oto Workshop since you get Firing Hammer badge in Hunter's Nightmare, but:

It is hard to tell! The Oto Workshop badge, the Firing Hammer one, is dropped by NPC Bestial Hunter, whereas Oto Workshop did not create the Boom Hammer (funny enough!), and yet Old Hunters all over Hunter's Nightmare are using this weapon! Reasonable to assume that Hunter's Nightmare captivated the timeframe after Oto Workshop already fallen, and was replaced by Powder Kegs. And so, Djura was already a big deal!

I also love the attention to the bit that Boom Hammer entailed an especially strong vitriol towards the beasts. This attitude easily could have been Djura's past prior and during the time of Powder Kegs burning the Old Yharnam, something he came to regret (not unlike Maria). And so, Valtr had an idea for a weapon that would kill in especially twisted and aggressive way - an approach Djura could sympathise with! And moveover, sort of take Valtr under his wing, since he'd have a hard time, really:

Valtr instantly caught extreme prejudice and mockery on himself for the ""awful crime"" of not reacting in the most sane way on having his companions murdered by this beast. Valtr already has an aggressive temper, and clearly companionship means everything for this guy as his dying words are about his confederates, so of course he was more fucked than maybe even another hunter in this same situation would be. He was not even a hunter at that time! The way it is worded, in my opinion, emphasises what the Yharnamites think of him: that eating beasts is "just" what he does, or all those whacky foreigners do for that matter, rather than exceptional moment of his life. I think the nickname of beast eater got glued to him because of that, like eternal reminder that what he experienced, and how he reacted to the traumatic event, now defines him in everyone's eyes, rather than like... he made a habit of eating beasts... Heck, maybe it does define him. Maybe it did change him forever, and this "aggressive manic" character is what replaced the person that died in that day.

It is only fair that Djura would want to give a hand. I like the idea of him being the first one to try to reach out instead of being weirded out or afraid or disgusted: something that even other hunters could have felt nonetheless, as in, 'he is like a beast himself now lmao'.

It is also a no-brainer but I doubt Djura would hate Valtr for eating that beast over "beasts are people tho" sentiment (in other words, what Valtr did was cannibalism I don't see the problem lol). It doesn't feel very 'kind but foolish' person-ish to fear or hate someone for a psychotic reaction in an exceptionally extreme event even after his 'epiphany' on nature of beasts. That would also be at least two layers of hypocrisy on Djura's end then, as not only he himself had regrettable past, but also he doesn't mind "cannibalism" that much if he threatened Paleblood Hunter to leave them as food for his beasts! Three layers of hypocrisy, actually, because even under assumption that Djura did not take part in burning of Old Yharnam himself and just returned to the disaster, he forgave at least two people who did; Djura's Ally and Djura's Apprentice NPCs, who are both wearing Charred Hunter outfits:

Though if Djura was hypocritical in regards to going "actually I now find what you did inexcusable, bye ✌️", that'd be interesting reason for falling out also! It would be a cool goodbye if Valtr addressed it and rage quit, leaving Djura with feeling of shame forever! After all Djura is not only 'kind', but also 'foolish'? Lol Though I'd say Valtr's general attitude was probably the bigger factor, and he is the more likely initiator of the breakup!

Valtr outright states that nothing impure deserves to live, whereas Djura is willing to spare the surviving beasts of Old Yharnam based on the fact that they can't harm anyone outside. He is not against the hunt entirely and is reasonable enough to acknowledge that outside of Old Yharnam seclusion, beasts are roaming the streets and attacking people; he sends Paleblood Hunter off to "make the best out of the night". And Valtr, in turn, could see this as a betrayal of their previously shared still naive ideals to "exterminate all bad things to protect everyone :3". Beasts are a dark concept, they are humans that failed to uphold their willpower and fell for the darkest, dirtiest side of humanity. Even if those in Old Yharnam basically got infected, are not they still "filth" in his eyes? So, Djura suddenly sympathises with the "filth", all after having been the Old Hunter so legendary that Hunters are still modelling their caps after his to this day!

But also, Valtr turned out to be reasonable enough to leave him be. He is not summonable in Old Yharnam, unlike Alfred, who you just can tell has THE fanatical mindset. But Valtr sure could grasp the concept of being pragmatic: Old Yharnam beasts, and Djura himself, are isolated now, right? If he was willing to protect the world from the "filthy" things, as far as he was concerned, it was protected from Old Yharnam. Djura is like a gaoler and beasts are like his jailed criminals, and definitely Valtr would recognise the concept, of all people!

So he and Djura parted the ways without hate but for the same reason why Paleblood Hunter and Djura part the ways. Because there are dangerous beasts 'out there', that need to be stopped. And dangerous people, too, but for Djura there is no difference, of course. I imagine it would still be bitter. Maybe Djura would prefer Valtr to chase beasts in Old Yharnam to get isolated within instead of murdering them, but Valtr would be upset at the suggestion. Leave out the Ashen Blood patients, but the beasts outside certainly, definitely became those due to their own dark impulses. And if some asshole long ago didn't fall for the dark impulses, his companions would still be alive! So how can Djura sympathise with that? Is he implying that Valtr should be (retroactively) sympathetic towards THAT beast too? Really bitter things like this on both sides, and Valtr would have stronger grudge, but they are grown men and can agree to simply never see each other again.

[disabledunitypunk]

Is the person who made a meme about your shared disability that you don't relate to "a faker who is making light of your disability", or someone with a different experience who uses humor to cope?

Is the person who made an aesthetic board about hospitals an abled person who doesn't recognize that hospitals can be sources of medical trauma, or someone using art to deal with their own medical trauma, or any other number of things that aren't about being careless about trauma?

Is the person who makes the seemingly cringiest instagram #sickcore posts about anything from their mobility aids to their eye bags "romanticizing and/or fetishizing" disability, or are they a disabled person coping with extremely debilitating and potentially dangerous or terminal symptoms by radically accepting them?

I know normally I do focus on ableism as a whole, by trying to tie in online attitudes to very real IRL oppression as well as by generally talking about a variety of examples of ableism both on and offline. (It is the nature of a social media blog that at least a significant portion of what we address will be responses to other users of this platform, though.)

This is a much more purely online issue than most... but it still affects real people. The cruelty and bullying over how people cope with their disabilities is still being done to, hurting, and in some cases traumatizing, real people.

I've been lucky enough to avoid this online at least (though not as much IRL, ironically, though it manifests in a slightly different way obviously). But... I'm one of those people that copes in "cringe" ways that focus on the "aesthetics" of my disabilities or use humor to cope or even, horror, romanticize my own intensely personal experience of my own specific disabilities because looking at it through rose colored glasses hides the fucking bloodstains for a few minutes.

Which is a metaphor to simply say that viewing my own hardships and struggles as positive in a twisted way as a personal choice helps me get through the fact that they ARE intense hardships and struggles.

We reblogged a post earlier today that we have since taken down. We (attempt to) refuse to platform people who are ableist against any kind of disabled people if we are aware of it on principle, other than to shut down said ableism if we feel it outweighs the added reach given to them by our platform. But - the point of this post was good. The point of this post was about having a complex relationship with disabilities and that however you feel personally about your disabilities is okay.

This doesn't just extend to palatable feelings, like being sad about loss of function or proud to have a disability it's considered "acceptable" to be proud of. It doesn't just extend to feelings that make sense, such as wishing you could get rid of a disability you despise that has only horrific symptoms, or not wanting to get rid of a disability that is well-accommodated and an important part of your identity.

It's also about wishing you could not be disabled in a way that most people with said disability seem to be proud of, and even that you may be proud of but still wish not to be. It's about not wanting to get rid of a disability even though you hate having it. It's about being proud of having unpalatable disabilities and being fine with loss of function and also, I think perhaps more than any of this...

It's about expressing any feelings about your own experience with your disability whatsoever without judgment. It's about when you talk about or show or otherwise share your feelings in any form, and how you cope, and how you celebrate, and where you grieve and where you find joy and where those two are the same thing, that all of that is not just okay but extremely good and important.

(Obvious disclaimer that this does not extend to talking shit or being ableist about OTHER people's disabilities or experiences with a shared diagnosis/disorder/condition, in case my specific phrasing of "your own experience with your disability" gets lost in my hyperverbality.)

I think really, my whole point is, you DON'T have psychic access to other people's brains. You DON'T know that people expressing their relationship with disability in ways you don't like is malicious bad acting rather than just a different experience than yours. And quite frankly, basic class solidarity demands that no matter how annoying you might find other disabled people, you at least owe them the benefit of the doubt.

Let people post stuff about disability that is humorous, or aesthetic-focused, or even which looks at their own struggles through a positive lens (yes, even if it is somewhat reductive).

These aren't claiming to be education posts, and we are not responsible for any ableist assumptions on the part of abled people. Just like you are not responsible for correcting them if their takeaway is that an extremely distressing and dysfunction-causing disability (of any kind) is just "quirky" or "not that bad" or even "desirable", neither are the people making the posts responsible for accounting for the assumptions of ignorant people who aren't bothering to learn.

But if it really bothers you that much, a more productive use of your time than harassing other disabled people would literally be just reblogging education posts, even if you can't make your own.

And, of course, it goes without saying that taking it a step further and fakeclaiming people because you don't like how they handle being disabled is just blatant ableism. Finding someone personally annoying does not make them not disabled. Hell, someone actively being harmful and bigoted doesn't make them not disabled, as disabled people who fakeclaim prove.

Anyway, I'm off to some disabled aesthetic tags because my physical AND mental disabilities are kicking our fucking ass right now, and I could use the comfort of seeing other sick people finding our shared experiences of sickness beautiful and worthy of art in any way at all. But I'll leave you with: in a world where our narratives are largely limited to inspiration porn and tragedy porn, is it really so weird or terrible to post on social media in a way that says "yeah, this sucks, but because it's about my disabled experiences it's beautiful and worthy of seeing in a positive light"? Is that not also a form of radical defiance?

[helioshellion]

hi im bucky and welcome to my long list of kiryu and majima headcanons mostly revolving around health related stuff bc that interests me. ive talked about it before but ive been wanting to reveal my mastermind plans for them. ive vaguely alluded to these all in my fics like friday night and phanto. anyways heres a list. may range from mildly nsfw but in a more medical way not a sexual manner since idc about that sort of thing

KIRYU

So for Kiryu he is a trans man who forgets his t injections every day of his life. every time he gets out of prison he has to restart on it and every time he has to go through all the initial stages once again like an evil cycle of hormones.

He has extreme nerve damage in his hands/fingertips due to severe hypothermia suffered at the end of Yakuza 5, and therefore cannot feel in his hands anymore.

Also suffers from a migraine disorder.

He deals with a very prominent compartmentalization problem stirred by his ever-changing life stages. A sort of out-of-sight-out-of-mind mentality born out of his fear of losing absolute control over his life. This goes hand-in-hand with general low empathy.

This also results in an extremely flippant attitude towards both sex and romance. He is not committal at all and does not imagine himself settling down. He is a reserved person, but he doesn’t shy away from sex. He lives in Kamurocho, after all. He’s just mostly desensitized and is mostly neutral towards it as he gets older.

 Yes hes bisexual love wins. But he has a low opinion of the men in his life thinking them callous and more difficult than he wants to deal with. This increases with his age and the worse the villains get. He almost has a mentality of needing to Win and Be Won in regards to romance. He must Prove Himself, or someone else must prove themself to Him.

Oh yeah and TMJ sorry to his jaw.

His life is in constant disarray and his self-contained environments reflect this. His living spaces are messes. Ashtrays filled with countless stamped cigarettes and shelves lined with half-eaten food and beer cans. He doesn’t want to be regarded as sloppy but theres something in his brain that makes him struggle with Cleaning his own spaces. There’s something about his mind that likes the control he has TO mess up his own space.

He has several single-tooth partial dentures mostly in his molar area. he has one prosthetic canine tooth.

He is no-op in regards to his transition. T has shrunk his chest enough that it sags loosely. If you’re curious, he’s dry as a desert down there. sorry.

He doesn’t exactly have a circadian rhythm. He sleeps and wakes up whenever he wants, and his brain does not register Night/Day. Meaning he could sleep through an entire day and his brain will not register sunlight. This results in getting him up to be extremely. Extremely difficult.

Big one, he lives with something like CTE. (Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (double parantheses because this condition cannot usually be diagnosed while someone is alive)) Which exemplifies his already present suicidal ideation and depression. Out of anyone in the series Kiryu has taken some of the Worst bodily trauma over a LONG period of time. It has taken a toll on his body and mind.

MAJIMA

Oh boy!

Majima has a hormone imbalance ever since the hole. if you remember in my fic Phanto I alluded to him being completely impotent and sterile due to a castration in the hole. He has gynecomastia and hypothyroidism but has no qualms about it. He’s not dysphoric about it at all, and tries to stay extremely vigilant about his testosterone intake (tgel, needles scare him).

Because of the above he has little to no sex drive, not to mention the extreme trauma relations to it. He has complexes on top of complexes about it. So he just doesn’t do it.

He has a weak right knee, which is the one he uses to kick/attack as he’s able to use his stronger leg as support. His arms and legs are longer than his torso, and he has an extreme slouch, which presents itself as a very permanent slouch crease on his stomach fold.

He has a distrust of men, mostly older than him, and is not a cis man, although he doesn’t have the language to describe himself or his sexuality. He’s old and doesn’t feel the need to.

Blatantly, not even just a Me headcanon, but Majima does have a mentality of needing to be beaten in order to fall in line. In relation to pretty much everything in his life. It’s much stronger the younger he is, and weakens as he gets older, aided by his improving mental state. By 7′s time, and he is an emotionally healthy person. Hiccups are to be expected, but they’re nothing to shame or be ashamed for.

In Dead Souls he discusses needing to keep his hair cut at an exact measurement. He is a massive micromanager in regards to Anything at any given moment. His living arrangements are extremely empty and uncreative.

The younger him was extremely flippant about caring for his eye, which resulted in several infections and close calls. It’s one of the reasons he decides to get his eye exenterated when he’s older. Somewhat of a symbolic thing as he works through his trauma, letting go of this thing that has clung to him, Literally an Infection. He changes things up, and lives happier for it. He wouldn’t have been alive it hadn’t been for Nishida.

He is one of the most intelligent people in the. Yakuza Team or whatever. Regardless of his deteriorating memory issues, he reads like a motherfucker and can beat anyone in almost any mind-game.

This is a byproduct of not considering the Kiwamis (majima everywhere and majima construction) as canon, but my Majima is very heavily inspired by 1, 2, and the movie iterations of Majima. Meaning, he is not a generally “nice” person. He is extremely empathetic, and reads people very well, but he tends to hold these qualities over peoples heads when he’s younger. As he gets older, these qualities shift to more. Altruistic purposes. He isn’t nice, but he is an understanding person.

I also shift the timeline around to place his marriage with Mirei before the events of 0 to allow better, smoother story progression. And I’m not going to handwave away anything he did because oh yeah did he fuck up.

Speaking of relationships, if Majima were to ever, he would be Very Attached. He is monogamous by heart, and is more about mental connections over inherently sexual or romantic. He is a One-and-Done person. He isn’t flippant like Kiryu, and holds an extreme amount of value in loyalty and love. He is not one for more monetary romantic gestures. He values touching a lot more, but discourages touching HIM. He’s stone. He feels love in being the one to touch, and for his partner to Be touched By Him. And I’m not talking about sexual practices or anything. But if that did progress to that, expect similar results.

However, adding to that, he is not going to try to “make things work” in any way. He will walk away if requested, and he will walk away at the inclination of things Just not working out. He jumps to conclusions quickly, but it is for good reason. Knowing when to bow out keeps him alive.

Back to body stuff. He has dentures along his entire bottom jaw. His top teeth are very discolored from smoking, resulting in a visible difference between his top and bottom teeth.

And whatever here’s Kazumaji bullshit too because I am predictable.

They’re more friends than lovers, if that makes sense. Regardless of the amount of love shared between them, their lives are a long string of boats passing by. Their loyalty for each other is extremely strong, and underlying love does carry this, but they can’t exactly settle down anytime soon. Majima talks to him as a confidant, not as a lover, and Kiryu speaks to him the same. It’s almost more intimate in a way. Neither of them put up fronts when they’re alone. They are both private together, speaking to each other ways they’d never speak to anyone else.

If we’re on a scale, Kiryu is the more romantically affectionate one. He’s the one who thinks of dates, who thinks of kissing, who thinks of whatever else. Majima doesn’t initiate any of this due to his before-said complexes on top of complexes.

Yet, on the flip side, Majima is the one who could most easily fall into domesticity. It’s something he’s fantasized for himself ever since he was a boy, and something he cast aside immediately following the hole. He imagined a family impossible for him, and has attempted to cast aside that part of himself. But there’s no destroying Who you Are. He wants to be a tender person. Once Saejima, his strongest familial relationship, returns, he lets that side of himself regain a foothold in his brain.

This is both supported and contradicted by canon depending on the game, but I’ll settle on one. Despite Majima’s reservations and trauma, he is more trusting than Kiryu in a lot of situations. (In Yakuza 2: “There’s nothing wrong with putting your trust in a guy...”) Kiryu will tend to be cynical and have to be “won” in order for him to put his trust in you. Majima, however, will put his trust if he feels he can, but is very liberal with rescinding it.

Kiryu goes through a phase in his romantic relationship with Majima where he feels unwanted due to Majima’s low intimacy drive. The only way that’s resolved is by talking. There’s a lot of things they cannot get out of their relationship with each other, and that’s absolutely fine. They find other things to make it work.

On the flip side....... Kiryu’s revolving-door life results in Majima feeling cast aside again and again. It’s not that Kiryu thinks of hurting Majima, but his idea of romance is very different to Majima’s. He thinks he can just put on a new skin and live out an entirely different life as a different person. This is what causes their relationship to fizzle out time and time again. Their relationship is a very, very unstable wave. It’ll be strong, weak, whatever. The bottom line is that they’re never going to be able to reach that Perfect Meeting Point.

BUT this is all from Yakuza 1-6....Post 7, and I have no idea! Maybe they can try again and see themselves more successful due to their Very different life circumstances. Without the clan to hold either of them back, maybe they can make things work. However, I can’t imagine them ever making anything “”official”” as in calling each other boyfriend Or getting married. Their relationship is strange and tumultuous but they genuinely. wholeheartedly Love each other.

[valhallakonbi]

i meant new ask: character headcanons?

oh okay i wasn't sure my bad!

i'll start off with some small ones and gradually get to the bigger ones:

i can't tell if you were the one to come up with it or if it was established in the novels but i really like thinking of ougi as a neat freak... since koyomi is one, it ties in nicely

vegetarian koyomi & sodachi are also very good (i think veggie koyomi is yours and sodachi is annabelle's)

kanbaru and hitagi actually kissed in middle school. several times maybe.

yotsugi has a crush on nadeko but she doesn't understand that it is one. nadeko has noticed something's up but isn't sure yotsugi knows either

uni senjougahara can drive a motorcycle (please picture koyomi in the backseat as well)

hanekawa knows way too much about cars and all the men she meets at diners and gas stations overseas are really impressed with her, whether they like it or not (she drives manual btw.)

kanbaru wanted to become a sports doctor after meeting with numachi again, so i think she would mostly work with teenagers. i'd like to think that she frequently visits naoetsu and that ougi and kanbaru are still friends and reading buddies even when kanbaru grows into an adult.

my biggest headcanons are not fun ones and they are senjougahara related. reader discretion avised (mentions of eating disorders, cancer)

it's pretty on the nose, and it's edgy, and it's not revolutionary or anything, but hitagi crab as an analogy for eating disorders works extremely well in my eyes.

as someone who has dealt with eating disorders it makes for a very true-to-life tale of a girl whose response to multiple trauma has been control of other's perception of her by violent means (mindful of what people are saying about her, can't let anyone know about her secret, threatens and bullies anyone who tries to get closer to her). this is coherent with anorexia as a way to regain some form of pride and "autonomy" when you feel like everything's been taken away from you. the "weight" aspect is a major factor in how people come up with this interpretation, it's a pun on "omoi" (heavy ; feelings / ties / memories) and how cutting these off completely is easier than dealing with them... and eating disorders oftentimes serve as a way to shift the focus on something other than the actual traumatic event. i remember it functioning the same as addiction on a neurological level.

anyway, what i like about this reading is how the analogy makes it non voyeuristic. the lack of voyeurism (ironic, huh) when it comes to traumatic events is something i really appreciate in monogatari. even as she's talking about the ways she was emotionally and sexually abused, we're not directly shown, we listen to senjougahara talk. a lot of stories about eating disorders are very graphic with the subject matter. seems people can't talk about this stuff without putting extra stress on the "disgusting" aspects of it (critically underweight bodies, laxatives, vomit and other forms of purging). this kind of stuff does nothing except add shock value and try to warn readers or watchers about self-image issues and how starving and purging is bad and gross!! like they don't already know. with hitagi crab as an analogy for anorexia, the self-image/societal perception aspect is neatly implied and the root of the problem (relationship with her mother) is addressed directly.

the other on-the-nose, edgy thing, is senjougahara had a critical operation which saved her life when she was little. it's never been said outright what her disease was, but cancer is prevalent enough among kids and it fits her motif.

[somethingoriginal127]

the treatment of a young justin bieber and in turn my inability to see him as the enemy:

keeping my trend of just talking and giving my 2 cents on trending topics, in the matter of rich, cis white men being exposed as a literal scum of the earth people i am never moved or surprised. (i also don’t usually care bc it’s normally someone i was not a fan of before they were exposed for heinous behavior)

however i have never been able to shake my sympathy, understanding, and hesitance to write off the musician that is justin bieber. i just always feel as though there’s so much he deals with behind the scenes that we’ll never know about. that’s true of anyone famous but the reason i say this is because of the amount of documentaries this man has where they barely skim the surface of what he endured in the industry. the stuff they choose to discuss doesn’t even scratch the surface of even things we saw happen on live television

(early sexualization of a child, SA, SH, etc.)

his entire brand since he was 15 was also to essentially be a “boyfriend” to all his fans and the minute he dropped the persona because he wasn’t feeling up to being touched/groped/kissed/screamed at for the day he was in turn CRUCIFIED in the media for being a heinous human. which has always been so odd to me? like the media/general public has some sort of claim or ownership of his body since he was a developing child. it’s gross and it’s been like that since his formative years. (that has to be ridiculously damaging)

*update* i’m reading this back to make sure i articulated my thoughts in the way i wanted and i’m now angrier about his treatment then when i first typed it. bc why isn’t his body allowed to be his and why is he a villain for setting boundaries? bc he’s a boy? that’s actually is so disturbing to me the longer i sit with it. (no seriously i want you to think abt how physically and mentally he lost like all body autonomy at 14. and he has never gotten it back in all honesty.)

also him having a drug problem in (2014?) i think and knocking on deaths door at (18/19? years old) visibly deteriorating and reacting to his lifestyle/trauma he was given too young, adult celebs took to twitter to call him names and attack him when he was clearly a child (yes child idc that he was 18) crying for help was also extremely odd to me. laughing at the traumatized kid having a downward spiral and evidently no reliable adults in his life left a bad taste in my mouth, even then.

maybe it’s the blind items i keep seeing about his alleged SA or the clips of it happening from grown women in talk shows, or because the open discussion about his sex life/sexual preferences/when he was only 15 and growing up watching the general public use him (A KID) as a punching bag/toy for their own enjoyment gives me so much sympathy and is why i’ve always given him grace. it’s also worth noting those who are respected in hollywood and are close to him speak extremely highly of him which also makes me pause to think he’s not nearly as heinous as the media has always liked to paint him.

not to mention that interview he did with zane lowe ?? where he talks about wanting to protect billie eilish from what he endured in the industry because “he wouldn’t wish that upon anybody” and then starts to sort of crumple in on himself when speaking about it like he can’t even recount what he’s been through without it having a visible effect is SO sad/scary to me. that whole interview was very strange and sort of haunting actually.

to this day small things he does/says are blown up to insane headlines to make him look like he’s on some tirade and then you watch the clips with these insane titles and it’s just the man asking to be left alone for a little while ? he just seems like a deeply traumatized/cut individual to me.

i hate long post w no pictures or gifs so this is what justin bieber looks like if you didn’t know !😃

(i think everyone who’s had the internet longer than a week could identify this man in a line up of white men but i digress😭)

but that could just be because i witnessed his growing up in my lifetime so it feels closer than most lmao idk. it’s very possible i wouldn’t be as sympathetic if i didn’t watch him get broken down in real time.

[mes0p0tamia]

How the Vessels Would Comfort Someone (maybe you..? idk that's for you to decide) After a Breakup/emotionally traumatic situation etc.

the lovely @callmemephistopheless requested I write this <3. I usually don't like to write x reader stuff so it could be x reader if you feel like reading it that way; (it's more focused on the boys and their reactions than who they're comforting sry) but I just couldn't refuse a good idea and a request from a friend. fr though writing this kind of stuff will defiantly help improve my writing and help me improve my characterization of the boys in other works (Also it really warms my heart to have people suggesting ideas, so if you have any, I would absolutely LOVE to hear them. please.). Enjoy!

the nature of the relationship between the vessels and the person (or self-insert) is totally up to you btw

Vessel

obviously, vessel would not be very good at comforting people. the only person worse at it is ii. look at him Hes all fucked up!

He used to be worse at it, but ever since he became sleep's Vessel vulnerability has been easier. He's now more comfortable being vulnerable around others and knows how relieving it can be to vent and talk about things. So, he encourages people to talk to him about that stuff, especially the other vessels and the worshippers.

He comforts from a place of understanding. It's easy to tell that he is quite uncomfortable (he's new at this be patient he's trying ok) with someone being upset, or crying in front of him, but it's easy to tell that he understands. Heartbreak and vessel are like, besties. he gets it.

he may not give kind words, or reassurance, but he makes sure that it is known that he understands, and that he defiantly cares.

I think he'd either sit with you, or just give you space. He probably wouldn't say anything though.

or maybe he'd just let the person talk at him.

Vessel has been in a lot of pain for the better part of his life, and he wouldn't wish it upon anyone. especially anyone he cares about.

ii

Honest to god, I think ii would either run away or seize and die if someone was crying and wanted comfort from him. Obviously, he means well and doesn't want to see anyone he cares about cry, he's just so goddamn bad at it.

Dude has literally no idea what to do.

It's probable that he'll just throw a box of tissues and a blanket at you and dip.

Being serious though, it stems from a place of having no idea how to deal with his own emotions and being vastly uncomfortable with vulnerability (Vessel and iii are trying their damn best with ii).

Vulnerability and trust are extremely hard for him.

I think he might be the type to make food for people. He doesn't have to talk or be expected to provide calming words; he can just not do all of that, and still show that he cares. And I mean it works, his comfort food is heavenly. It's the type of cooking to make you cry because it's so nice, and the fact that he went out of his way to make something.

either that, or he'd just like.. sit there and stare..? kind of...? he's trying his best ok.

iii

iii ofc is the best at this kind of stuff. he manages to offer advice without being condescending, all while still being comforting (they all have no idea how he does it)

He is they type of person to shoulder everyone's burdens for them. It's a big part of the reason why he looks to sad and tiered all of them time.

Yes, Vessel is better at being vulnerable now because of Sleep, but it's also because of iii.

He just has this aura about him that makes you want to talk about things and spill your guts, because you know that he'll understand. He will not only listen, but he'll comfort you, and give you advice (and does he follow his own advice? hell no but that's not the point-)

This 'talking about feelings stuff', however, does not apply to him in his mind. His feelings are his burden and his alone.

One time the other boys noticed he was having a real bad time after one of the rituals, and just could not get him to talk, so they all sat with him in a big group hug type thing (it was more a pile than a group hug. boy pile!). iii actually broke down, it was bad. He's been better since then.

iv

iv is not very verbal with comfort or communication, it's more a physical thing for him. Words are very hard, so this is his solution.

It's like a 'I'll hug you until you stop crying' deal.

His favorite thing to do is be a giant human weighted blanket and just crush the person under him until they feel better.

He feels like the closer he gets to someone physically, the more they are comforted. This may not be right exactly, but it's his logic so deal with it. It works for him, so it's gotta work for other people, right?

He also like, gets pissed off for people. He's the type to be very protective and care so much for the people he cares about. It's hard for him not to be angry when something like that happens. Especially if someone hurts people he cares about.

He is like a giant guard dog that is bear sized.

And unlike the other vessels, he has no problem being vulnerable, he just forgets about his own issues.

He has internalized his own issues to such an extent that they are not issues anymore, just facts of life; they are just things that happen sometimes. And don't get me wrong, he does have breakdowns and they are bad.

But to him its just like, a thing that happens.

he will have a panic attack and then just 'fuck it we ball' his way through a mental health crisis that he's convincing himself isn't real and totally not happening to him.

[septembersghost]

i do have something to say, and my pulsing head is maybe not going to allow it to be particularly articulate, but fearless was special to me because it was when i became a swiftie, red was special to me because it's my cherished and beloved album. speak now is special to me because it was the first album i got to experience with taylor in real time, from the announcement, to watching music video premieres (on cmt!), excitement building up to it, the thrill of release day.

but it was an especially big deal to me because i had spent the entire year before (almost to the day, because a final conversation was had on october 26, 2009, and speak now was released on october 25, 2010) planning, or expecting, to not survive it. there are many times i've battled through that since for varying reasons, but that was the first time, and the most traumatic. i had vascillated through extremes of sobbing through the night to screaming in rage to complete and total emptiness and cynical numbness - imagine me not feeling anything, or only feeling the tearing of anger in my chest - beyond holding tight to my precious dog, and i feel guilty often reflecting on this because i don't think i did the best for her at that point either. my passion and solace in music felt stolen out of my hands, and had narrowed intensely in that pain, to the point where i only had two pillars to lean against. one was fall out boy. the other was taylor. both had been the only comforts i could reliably turn to, turn up, in the dark. debut and fearless felt like they'd been given especially to me, to express what i was struggling through, how the girl in me who'd lost so much of her life, health, time, and then had her heart broken and betrayed by multiple people, felt. fob stopped me once, very directly, from hurting myself. (thus why their feature here has profound significance to me.) my mom, who had never been through such a difficult time with me (and there are gaps in my memory, but i still feel guilty for what she went through then too), hardly knew what to do, but she bought me a pink ipod nano that 2009 christmas, and that music was basically all that was on it. they were the lifelines i clung to in the tumultuous storm to keep myself from drowning.

by speak now's release in 2010, i'd gotten to shore, but was still battered and cold and exhausted. that album was an aspect of my recovery. that music was what warmed me and woke me back up. and a huge part of that was taylor's own honesty and sensitivity. she was still dreamy and romantic, she still displayed vulnerability, sincerity, and compassion, but she was also angry and bitter and petty and scathing. the fullness and unflinching open-heartedness of that journey cracked me back open and allowed the light back in. the storytelling and lyricism proved her prowess, talent, and growth, but it was often the simplicity that got me, that allowed me to accept even the sharp edges of what i felt, and the softness too. a careless man's careful daughter. i liked it better when you were on my side. i see it all now that you're gone. all you are is mean. please don't be in love with someone else. never imagined we'd end like this. wish i'd never grown up. can't turn back, i'm haunted. the girl in the dress cried the whole way home. long live all the magic we made, and bring on all the pretenders, i'm not afraid. it cast a magic spell, transformed my spirit and allowed me to start to become the person i am again.

it's turned out over the years that some of it is tough for me to listen to because of this, because of that visceral tie back to the things it opened me up to, but tonight i'm thinking yet again about what a miracle it is that i'm still even here, after not expecting that gift of time over and over. every re-record she's released has given something back to me that i didn't even realize i needed, and reading taylor's prologue for speak now, the feeling of her catharsis and reclamation feels so much like my own too. she's brought us in and held that reciprocal experience close, and the embracing connection in that speaks deeply to everything her music represents and means to so many of us.

she writes now, "i had no idea how much this pain would shape me," and also, "i'm still idealistic and earnest...but i'm less crushed when people mock me for it. i know now that one of the bravest things a person can do is create something with unblinking sincerity." this is something i believe too and hold onto fiercely, and she's helped consistently remind me of it.

to those of us with our palms outstretched in the light, still hoping, still having faith in art and knowing that it's good, whose voices quiver with tearful emotion but still share it earnestly, who sometimes wish we could still hear bedtime stories, who hold on to spinning around. i've had the time of my life fighting dragons with her, and with you.

[theoraclesystem]

tw; a bit of a vent but looking for advice, feel free to ignore /gen

Do you (or any followers) have tips for if you feel like you’re faking for a multitude of reasons? We have DID as well as OCD (and a few other things) so I have been dealing with a lot of denial and intrusive thoughts about it lately.

We have been comfortable as a system since we found out a few years ago but now we have so many random reasons we feel like we are faking

- we are a large fictive heavy system of over 300 and get fictives super easily

- we split very easily

- we sometimes can’t tell if we have switched, who is co-conscious, who is fronting, etc.

- we all have some core special interests that a majority of the system is into

- we have alters that don’t front and alters we don’t know if actually exist (have only heard/seen them once)

- we have snippets of memories from childhood including trauma memories

- we have a partner system who is also fictive heavy and many of us are dating sourcemates

there’s probably more reasons and it’s really difficult to type this out. i’m sorry.

I feel this, we have the same issue at times. We also split easily and have a lot of alters that just kind of disappear after fronting once and sometimes we wonder if they actually exist or if we just thought we were someone else and got confused or something.

When it comes to that, it's also okay if you do make a mistake and you haven't actually split. Mistakes happen, especially if you also do have issues with self identity. I'm not saying that's a case with you, it just has happened with us in the past before. When and if that ever happens, it doesn't mean you're "evil" or "lying" or being "manipulative", it just means you made a mistake and something to just move on from. I wouldn't even say it's anything worth apologizing for.

I was going to link you to a post we made about things we've learned about being a system, but apparently it's not on this blog. Luckily it's on our tiktok though.

Splitting very easily is common with polyfragmented systems. We split over things that seem like it's not that big of a deal, but our brain sees it as something that is traumatic and something we need a new alter with to cope.

Being fictive heavy doesn't make you any more or less valid, either. Introjects I feel are extremely common, especially in systems that are autistic, if you are autistic as well.

Not being able to tell if and when you've switched is also normal and okay. The thing about DID that I think a lot of people forget is that DID is supposed to, for the most part, be covert. A lot of systems are never even diagnosed because they go their whole life without ever even knowing they've switched or don't think they have any symptoms at all. Sometimes we can't tell if we switched and that's okay, sometimes we get blurry and have to just go with the flow and that's okay.

Having similar interests is also something we have because you have to remember, you still share a brain. If all of your alters like drawing, then it's to be expected if drawing is a huge thing you do to cope. (Just using this as an example because we all enjoy drawing.)

Having snippets of childhood memory is also normal, especially because DID is a disorder in which your brain has created amnesia barriers (alters) that hide traumatic events. People tend to only look at the alters when it comes to DID and forget that alters are here to protect you from traumatic memories and that you can only develop DID/OSDD through trauma, which is also accompanied by CPTSD. Just because you don't remember much of your childhood or you don't remember any trauma doesn't mean that you're faking... it means the alters are doing their jobs.

We hardly remember our childhood and some only really remember a few small main traumatic memories, but know there is more because it was confirmed by our mother. We thought it was normal to not remember much of childhood, but if we can't even recall much about being at school because the bullying was so bad and involved police at one point, and we barely remember home life when we were a kid and we know our parents and older sister are extremely abusive, that's not "normal". There's something going on there.

As for having a partner system and dating sourcemates... we have our own opinions about dating sourcemates, but it's not that we don't see it as valid, we just worry it can cross into a thing of manipulation where one system thinks the other should act just like their source and doesn't leave much room to grow as their own person. Fictives are not their source, they are their own being, and I think it's a good step into healing when fictives start being their own person, but it's not something that should be forced either. I'd say that's not a sign of faking either, just be careful and you and your system alone can decide when source separation is needed, don't let anyone tell your system you have to be like your source, and it's okay if those fictives want to be their own alters.

There was an excellent tiktoker full of resources under the name of Project Gestalt (thecabbagepack2.0), but they seem to have deleted their account. Hopefully some of their useful content is still circling around on the internet since nothing can ever REALLY be deleted. If they come back to TikTok or if I find some of their content, I'll definitely make a post about it.

Anyone else who has advice, please feel free to drop it in the comments, reblog this post, or send an ask for this anon!

- ⛓️‍💥

[lorwolf-salt]

What you receive when you email A (names shortened to align with rules):

“I will start off with some backstory: Q was a volunteer moderator until he was promoted to Head Moderator last June. All seemed well until over time I became aware of his growing unprofessional attitude towards the community, his work, and other staff members. He has been reprimanded twice before for this unprofessional behavior.

I thought things would end with his first reprimand, but sadly, things continued. How he addressed the community was the second issue. His conduct in front of players resulted in moments of conflict where he’d agree with players and state to them that ‘he keeps trying to bash the right ideas’ into the developmental team’s heads. By acting un-unified with the Dev team, if left unchecked I felt that this would create a Dev vs. Head Mod/Playerbase environment. On top of this, Q did not present himself with an impartial attitude. Discussions with others would become quickly heated when he was proven wrong, and he became very agitated by any mentions of religious groups, holidays, or things he disagreed with. Contention continued to rise as his compilation of suggestions work was bullet points at best and full of swearing at worst. The back and forth over the lack of clarity caused a lot of friction between us.

His third reprimand came in January when he broke his contract to divulge lw’s developmental information to others. He claimed he was under the influence at the time, but this was not the first instance that he has shared things without my permission. After stating that we’d need to prioritize our professional relationship while remaining friends, I reassured him I wasn’t angry, just disappointed and needed some time to process. The morning after this professional discussion, he decided to inform me his desire to end his life. As you may already know, my mom passed away last year. What I haven’t told the community yet is that my mom took her own life as a result of her lifelong battle with depression, and I’ve been struggling with it ever since. Q was the first person on our mod team that I entrusted with this information, and yet he decided to put me in the position of wondering if someone I cared about was alive or dead. It was only when he reappeared to talk to a couple of our other moderators that I was informed he was alive. Knowing he was fine, I requested he not contact me as I take time to process. All of this occurred right around the one-year anniversary of my mom’s passing, which he was aware of, making it that much more difficult for me to deal with.

I realized that our friendship was unhealthy and that Q was not a suitable fit for Head Mod. Eventually, I explained this to him and that he was being let go - as this was not the only time he had reacted so strongly and negatively to professional criticism. He once again informed me, as well as a couple of our other moderators, of his intent to end his life. He disappeared for a length of time not letting any of us know if he was okay. When he finally messaged me, I was relieved he was alive, but I felt manipulated and re-traumatized. I explained this to him, wished him well in seeking help and once again asked him not to contact me. Again, he ignored this and continues to this day to do so.

I have also provided a link to a google drive folder where I have included records of our interactions during these events. I have blocked out names and graphic messages about suicide to safeguard the privacy and dignity of the parties involved. I have also deliberately left out many messages between these screenshots, which I felt were extremely personal in nature and sent by someone who was experiencing a crisis. I mean Q no ill-will by posting these messages, I simply want to show my side of the story and proof of his harassment. The screenshots provided are ordered by date the messages were sent, spanning from January - today. The initial instance that Q mentioned his intent to end his life, I unfortunately did not get a screenshot of before he deleted it. As you will see, Q frequently edited and deleted his messages - and I was not screenshotting our conversations at the time he started deleting his messages. When I blocked him on Discord, he proceeded to create alternate Discord accounts to rejoin the server, and he messaged me on Tumblr and emailed me directly. The screenshots of these conversations have been included as well.

In the months since this occurred, I have come to believe that Q knows intimate details about myself that I’ve never shared with him. Additionally, in speaking with our moderators I’ve learned that he essentially stifled communication between myself and the community by instructing users not to message me if he felt I didn’t want to be interrupted - which he did without my knowledge or permission. I entrusted him with being the voice of our community and to inform me of the player’s wishes, which he failed to do effectively in many ways.

As for his request for credits in the game for his work, he was fully compensated for all of his time and work spent on helping us with Lorwolf. I have no desire for Q’s name to appear anywhere on the intellectual property owned by our company, as I have been personally threatened, stalked, and harassed by this individual for several months now. Additionally, I feel incredibly manipulated by this person due to the fact they have forced my hand in revealing the private conversations I have had with them, and making me feel that I have to defend myself by revealing details about my personal life. This is not how I wanted our community to learn about how my mother passed. Because of this, and his own breaching of the contract to begin with, I will not be adding his name to our credits.

As a side note, we allowed Q to play Lorwolf until yesterday, but he has since been banned as a result of him posting this letter on Lorwolf.com, which contained suicidal ideation and other content not suitable for our playerbase. I hope this has helped to explain the situation, please let me know if you have any further questions.” Discord Screenshots:

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1blsevQGmKgLlzJNZhhr-9yXodQmdVF99?usp=sharing

Tumblr Screenshots:

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1TVlpEY95NJddwParyw4E7VVSwK_xapa7?usp=sharing

Email Screenshots:

https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1GxdL0TjpVn3S8zLt-gxPl7XW6hkM13nF?usp=sharing

and honestly after seeing everything, Q feels a lot like an ex boyfriend trying to get back together with her by guilt-tripping. I know this whole thing seems unprofessional and it probably is, but A is in an emotional state rn and i know I wouldve reacted much worse

[ladyinwriting18]

Healing Is A Process (Kylo Ren x Female Reader)

Summary: It’s that time of year again. The time of year when you can’t seem to live in the present because the past was too busy clawing at your back. You ask your Commander and new Dom for help in gaining back a sense of control and choice over your body. Words: 7, 980 Warnings: Mentions of sexual assault, Reader is a survivor of sexual assault, Very emotional themes, PIV sex, bratting, punishment, dom/sub dynamics, PIV sex, riding crop, spanking/clit spanking, orgasm denial, sub drop. Author's Note: Hi everyone. I wrote this for anyone who has ever been sexually assaulted and not only needed to take back their power of choice but also needed reminding that their are still good people in this world. There are mentions of the assault and some extreme emotional responses to that but there is no actual description of the assault. Also Kylo is NOT your abuser. I just wanted to make that very clear. I want this to be helpful, not triggering. Writing this really comforted me and I hope it'll do the same for someone else))

It’s that time of year again. 

The time of year when you can’t seem to live in the present because the past was too busy clawing at your back and picking at you until you were raw.  

Your past had a nasty habit of cutting you open and letting old traumas bleed out.

Every year since it happened was the same for you. Your mind would desperately try and ignore what your body already knew was coming. It didn’t matter what you did to try and distract yourself. There was no escaping the memories from that day.  

The day that every minuscule piece of your life changed, the day your freedom to choose was stolen from you, the day your voice was silenced, and the day your trust was broken—the day the rape happened. 

The word itself was enough to make you cringe. 

You didn’t want to think about it, and some days you didn’t. While others, it consumed your every thought. 

Those were the hardest days, when it was as if the smell of his cologne was still in your nose and his hands on your body were still pinning you down.  

These sensory flashbacks only worsened around this time of year. 

The closer it came to the day—the worse it was. 

Your friend’s would tell you it was a part of your post-traumatic stress disorder. That this time of year was simply too triggering for you. They continually told you that it would get better, that you were doing the right thing by addressing your issues, and not to give up hope.

What choice did you have but to believe those words? 

It was that or slip into the bottomless sinkhole that was your depression. 

So, when this time of year came, you held onto hope, worked longer shifts, and relied on your loved ones who were able to offer you support. 

And, as much as you hoped that another year would make a difference, it never did. 

Every year was always the same, with the days blurring together and the nightmares of his body weight keeping you awake at night. 

Yes, every year was the same song and dance. Where all the progress you felt you had made since the assault was shattered just because you flipped the page on your fucking calendar. 

Until this year. 

This year was different because six months ago you had met someone. 

And by met, you meant get assigned to oversee Commander Ren’s nutrition and dietary needs. 

General Hux had come to you personally to tell you the news. Hux claimed that Supreme Leader Snoke had expressed concerns for his apprentice’s well being. Supposedly, the Commander lived off black caff and protein shakes 

Hux had told you he couldn’t give a blurrg’s ass what the man ate but that somehow Ren starving himself had become his problem. He couldn’t deny the Supreme Leader and so Hux had come to you.

“Why it’s my job to babysit a grown fucking man is beyond me, but now it’s your problem to deal with.”

You could recall Hux’ words like it was yesterday.

In fact, you could remember your first night cooking for Commander Ren like it was yesterday. You had mistakenly thought that Hux would have also informed your new boss of this change. 

However when the masked man stormed into his quarters to find a full course meal waiting for him, he was less than pleased, demanding to know who had been in his room. 

In his anger he had thrown the plate of pasta and red sauce at the exact moment you walked into the room. The plate had shattered at your feet, splattering sauce and ceramic shards along your skirt and bare legs. 

Thankfully the sauce had already cooled some, but still you yelped and jumped back at the slight pain.

You could still picture the panicked look in his eyes when he threw his mask off and how delicately he had held your ankle in his obscenely large gloved hand. 

But that was how you had met Kylo Ren.  

With him kneeling before you, gritting out an apology through his teeth, and wiping away sauce from your legs and checking them for any serious cuts.  

After finding out who you were and why you were there, he had firmly requested you sit with him and called for a cleaning droid to tend to the mess. You had tried to politely decline, telling him that your job was to ensure he ate.  

However, Kylo Ren wouldn’t take no for an answer.  

You gave in, hoping that would be the end of it so you could be on your way. Not because you wanted to be away from him, but because his tender touch had made your knees shake. 

Not to mention that he was almost too handsome to look at now that he had removed his mask.  

At that point, no man had triggered such a strong sexual response in you in what seemed like forever.  

It made you more nervous to be around him. 

You tried to keep your composure as you bargained with him, telling him you’d stay only if he ate. His jaw twitched but he nodded as you ran off to fix him another plate. You sat across from him, waiting for him to eat as he watched you intently. 

Dark amber eyes scan your features, looking for even the smallest sign of discomfort that would alert him to the fact you might need medical attention. 

He toyed with his fork, pushing the pasta along the plate but never once took a bite. 

“You know, it won’t hurt you Commander Ren.” You teased but it hadn’t done anything to lighten the mood.

He claimed he didn’t believe you when you said you weren’t injured.

It was as if he was waiting for an injury that didn’t exist to appear on your body. 

He was too thorough to let anything slip by unnoticed. 

It was one of the qualities that made him such a good warrior, leader, and Dom. Although you learned that last part much later on.

That first night, sitting at his dining room table, his watching eventually turned into tasting and even talking.

Before you both knew it, hours had passed. 

By the end of the night you both had eaten two helpings of pasta and had actually spoken to one another like human beings. 

You had only just started to get to know one another, but it had left the two of you hungry to know more.  

Kylo had admitted that he couldn’t recall ever feeling so at ease around someone so quickly. You told him you felt the same. 

A sense of comfort swiftly formed between you, and you found yourself wanting time to stand still so he could keep smirking at you every time he made you smile or blush.  

You had forced yourself to be brave and question him on his poor eating habits. In return, Kylo forced himself to be vulnerable and admit that eating alone made him feel lonely. It wasn’t that he couldn’t cook or care for himself, just that the act of sitting down for a meal at an empty table reminded him of the past.

It wasn’t until weeks later that you learned that while growing up he had eaten so many meals alone that now, as an adult it was almost a trigger for him.

And so, when Kylo Ren asked for you to return the next morning to share breakfast with him, you had felt like a supernova exploding. 

Over the next few weeks, you and Kylo fell into a routine. 

You would cook his meals, sit or eat with him, and talk.

As a result, the two of you became exponentially close. 

It hadn’t always been easy. Some days Kylo was so consumed in his emotions that he didn’t even look at you, but those were the days you still made sure to sit beside him so he would at least eat. 

He would not starve himself, not on your watch. 

Your loyalty and patience through his mood swings ultimately endeared him to you. 

After two months, the routine changed and the rest had been like a dream. 

He started bringing you gifts, cooking with you, sitting you on his lap and kissing you in between bites.

You didn’t think you could be any happier, and then your relationship turned sexual.  

He had only been teasing when he said he’d take you over his knee and spank you if you kept arguing that he needed to eat less red meat. Still, the way your pupils had dilated and your body tensed up had been all Kylo Ren needed to know. 

Shortly after, you two had a long conversation about kinks, limits, safewords, aftercare protocols, and past experiences. Causing you both to realize that you desired the same things.

He wanted a woman who was independent, passionate, and driven but wanted to be his good submissive girl when he locked his bedroom door. 

And you?

Well you wanted to feel safe enough to submit again. 

Sure, you had slept with people since the assault, but you hadn’t submitted to anyone. You had only occasionally engaged in very bland vanilla sex since that seemed safer to you. 

But, you didn’t want that with Kylo. You wanted to give yourself to him fully . 

To let down your guard and give up control so you could just submit .

You knew this meant you needed to be honest with Kylo about your past. If he was going to be your Dom, then he needed to know about any and all triggers you might have. Not only did he deserve to know how to care for you, but also to understand what he was getting himself into by asking you to be his submissive. 

Telling him was one of the most nerve-wracking things you had ever done. You had practically carved a hole in his kitchen floor with how much you had paced back and forth. You felt like a caged animal as you told him of the assault and how badly you wanted him to be the first person you gave your submission to, but also how much that frightened you. 

Kylo stood quietly the entire time you told him your story, only speaking after you were finished.  

“Tell me what you’re frightened of.”

You told him that you were frightened he would see you as damaged goods, terrified that you would never be able to give yourself over to real pleasure, scared that in the end you would just be getting his hopes up.

The list had gone on, but Kylo had taken your hands and whispered, “You owe me nothing. It is my job to earn your submission, not force you into it. I will not rush you. The first step is trusting each other.”

His words had touched you.

You hadn’t known those were the words you needed to hear, but they were, and the rest was history. 

You were his, and he was yours. 

Six months blissfully flew by, and you were happy, but then this time of year crept up on you. 

Threatening to drag you back down. 

However, you felt a little stronger this year. You felt like you wanted to take back your body, take back your right to decide, or say no. More so than you already had. 

You wanted to push the envelope and have it be your decision to be punished—to be a bad girl. 

The feeling made you twitch. 

It wasn’t like you to want to act out purposely, but something in your bones told you that you needed it. That it would be empowering to choose to be punished while knowing the moment you said ‘stop,’ Kylo would. 

On the other side of this was worry that Kylo would find your needs odd. What if the truth of why you needed this made him uncomfortable? What if he couldn’t understand it?  

The uncertainty makes you doubt yourself. 

You try to push the thoughts from your mind, but they keep gnawing at you until you can’t ignore them. 

For once, you had someone you trusted enough to do this with.  

That was a good thing! 

An amazing thing after all you had endured. 

Your request might be a little out of character, but your coping mechanisms were your own. There was no shame in that.

Surely if you felt like this would help you, Kylo would understand. 

You also knew for a fact he would have no problem reminding you who was in charge. You didn’t want to actually make him angry; you just wanted to push his buttons enough that he’d teach you a lesson.

Finally working up the nerve, you climb up onto the dining room table and sit atop it on your knees. If there was one thing you knew about Kylo it was that he liked order. You sitting on top of his table would definitely get you in trouble. 

Now all you had to do was wait. 

You hear him enter about twenty minutes later. The sound of his heavy boots was unmistakable as he makes his way through his living room. You hear him stop, almost abruptly. Usually, you’d be greeting him with kisses by now. 

Kylo calls out for you, your name sounded robotic since he had yet to take his mask off. Followed by the sound of his cloak being thrown onto his couch.  

He calls your name again, rounding the corner to find you sitting there in your tight black pencil skirt, tucked-in silk button-up blouse, and black high-heeled shoes that were currently resting on the table. 

Even through the mask you can feel his eyes roaming over you, shocked that he’d found you where he did. 

“Pet?” He questions.

“Hello Commander.” You purr, smirking playfully. 

His still gloved hands reach up to the sides of his helmet. You watch as the front mouth piece moves forward, clicking and hissing before he pulls the mask up and off his face. He looks at you, cocking his head and raising one of his eyebrows.  

“Is there a reason why your shoes are where my food usually is?” 

Just like you thought, he was annoyed.  

You give him a confused look, “What do you mean Commander?”

Kylo’s right eye twitches, “Don’t play dumb pet, because you aren’t.” 

You tilt your head to the side, bite your bottom lip and stay silent. 

It unnerves him, he stalks closer to you and slams his helmet down beside you on the table. “Get down.” He orders, leaning in closer to your face. 

Your heart pounds in your chest, already wanting to submit but you stick to your guns. 

“No.” You say, puffing your chest out proudly. 

“What the fuck has gotten into you?” He snarls, hand seizing your jaw and squeezing. “I deal with incompetent idiots all day long and now I come home to find you playing brat?”  

His statement makes it hard for you to not feel guilty but you needed this.  

Kylo must hear your thoughts because he releases you and sits down. With agonizingly slow movements, Kylo pulls his fingers free from his leather gloves, seemingly ignoring you now. 

His jaw clenches but he doesn't look in your direction, acting like you aren’t even there. 

“Commander?” You huff irritably from being ignored, watching as he sits back in his chair. 

Clearly Kylo Ren wasn’t in the habit of rewarding bad behavior with acknowledgement.

“Kylo!” You shout, slamming your hands down on the table, “Answer me! Why are you ignoring me?”

In your frustration you reach out to snatch the gloves from his hands, but his reflexes are much faster than yours. Kylo grabs your wrist–squeezing it hard within his grasp. 

“Are you quite done, Little One?” His tone is even but threatening. 

It was almost eerie how calm he was even as his dark eyes stared you down. You gape at him, the stern look on his beautiful face makes your brain short circuit. 

He releases you roughly, glaring at you, “If you want something from me then you can ask me correctly.” 

You inwardly curse. This wasn’t going how you had hoped. You had thought you’d act a little bratty to get his attention and he’d bend you over and spank you until your ass was bruised. 

Asking for what you needed right now was hard because you were fearful of ridicule.

You sit up straight and tug at the hem of your skirt, willing yourself to speak.

“I…. I need your help Commander. I’m not any good at this, but I need…” You trail off, cheeks flushing slightly, “I need to be put in my place. Need you to punish me, please?”

Kylo raises a brow at your request. You had always enjoyed being spanked but you had never actively acted out for the purpose of seeking punishment. Much like when you cooked, you thrived on every tiny detail being perfect. 

It confused him as to why you would suddenly want the opposite, but something about your demeanor told him this was about more than being a brat. He sighs and leans back, stretching his legs out under the table. His muscles ached from the day but he wouldn’t turn down the chance to play. 

“It certainly seems like you deserve to be punished.” He meets your gaze, eyes dark–nearly feral. “So my pet needs a reminder that her Commander is in charge?”

Your blush deepens and he smirks, knowing you love it when he calls himself by his title. 

Something about you needing him to punish you excites him. His arousal soars, eager to see just how far you would push this tough girl act.

His mind races with all the different ways he could punish you, but keeps in the back of his mind that he will need to question you to learn why it is you need this from him in the first place. 

Kylo stands, hands going to your waist to pull you closer. He easily slides you forward, whispering hotly. 

“My bedroom. Naked, kneeling on the floor beside my bed.” He waits until he feels you shiver under his hands before growling out his last order, “ Now .”

You go to move off the table, one of Kylo’s arms coming around your waist to help you down until your feet are safely on the ground. For a moment he keeps you trapped against him, letting you feel all the hardness of his body. 

Just when you start to lean into him, he releases you, “Go. If you continue to disobey, you’ll just make it that much harder on yourself, understood?” 

“Y-Yes Commander. Thank you Commander.” Is all you say before you scurry off to his room.  

You don’t hesitate in stripping bare and folding your clothes neatly on top of one of his dressers so that they aren’t thrown around in a mess.

You kneel on the floor beside his bed, hands facing palms up while resting on your knees, and legs parted with your feet tucked under you. You’ve done everything he’s asked except , not taking off the lace thong you wear. 

You tremble knowing you are still actively disobeying him.

Kylo takes his time getting to you, knowing the anticipation would put you on pins and needles. He strips out of his cowl, belt, tunic and boots. Leaving him in only his low rise black leather pants and his ribbed armbands that were held in place by a strap across his upper back but left his chest and abdomen bare.

He folds clothes and leaves them on the table, imagining all the ways he could help his pretty little submissive be a good girl again.

Kylo leaves you waiting five whole minutes before he walks into his bedroom. He is pleased to see you right where he wanted you, but his face quickly falls. The way you tremble ever so slightly tells him that you know exactly what you’re doing. 

He clicks his tongue against the roof of mouth in disappointment, “Oh Little One, I warned you, didn’t I?” 

Kylo moves closer, towering over you from your position on the floor. “What part of ‘naked’ was unclear to you?”

You shiver, the tension between the two of you is so thick you feel lightheaded.

Dare you push your luck?

You shrug and give him and innocently stupid look. “I just got confused, Sir.”

His face reveals how unamused he is by your act. But all the same he keeps his tone unaffected as he directs you. 

“On your back in the middle of the bed. Legs spread–wide.”

You do as you're told, following his commands exactly.

Once you’re in place Kylo crawls between your legs, “I said wide. ” He bares his teeth with a growl and uses his hands to roughly shove your legs apart even wider.

Your lace clothed cunt is fully displayed to him now. His dark eyes stare intensely at the wet spot that’s starting to form at the front of your panties.

“You should have listened, pet. You’ve only made it worse for yourself.”

You feel your mouth run dry, your hands gripping his bed sheets on either side of your body.

Kylo holds your thong taunt, causing it to ride up between the lips of your cunt and stimulate your clit. Your head pushes back into the mattress with your eyes closed.

You know what’s about to happen long before you hear the first rip of lace. Once your thong is completely ripped, he throws it off the side of the bed, and finally brings his eyes to yours.

“Tell me how you think I should punish you.” He speaks slowly, his deep baritone voice makes you melt.

“I-.... I want….” You stare back at him, stumbling over your words. “I want my Commander to do whatever he has to to make me a good girl again.”

Kylo raises a brow at you and hums, “Whatever I have to.”

He repeats as if in deep thought before getting off the bed and going to his toy draw.  

You were very familiar with it. It housed the toys Kylo enjoyed using for foreplay, but when he pulled out a leather riding you know it isn’t going to be used for pleasure.

“I suppose this will do.” He says to himself and walks back over to the bed.

You begin to turn over onto your stomach but Kylo’s voice halts your movements.

“Ah-ah, did I tell you to roll over?”

You give him a confused look but return to your position on your back.

He trails the edge of the crop over your skin, running it up your legs, over your exposed cunt and stomach.

Anticipation leaves you breathless, chest rising and falling from the labored breathing. Your nipples harden even though he’s yet to touch them.

The crop travels higher, lightly running over your nipples. Without warning Kylo brings it down sharply over each.

You yelp, arching into the sting. Your hips flex, wanting to roll over and push your ass out for him to spank, but he’s already grabbing you under your armpits and tugging you forward so your head hangs over the side of the bed.

“If you think it’s your ass getting spanked right now, then you are sorely mistaken, pet.”

Your eyes widen, your brain slowly piecing together what he has in mind.

“Place your feet flat on the bed and let your thighs fall apart.”

You obey, your cunt now on full display. It’s then you notice the bulge that’s forming in the front of his pants. Your hands flex into the sheets, a dampness starting to form between your thighs. Seeing the evidence of his arousal for you has the blood in your veins singing.

Kylo brings the riding crop to your cunt, and uses the edge of it to rub small circles on your clit–flicking it back and forth before dipping it to your slit.

“Already wet I see,” He smirks to himself and collects some of your wetness on the crop. He brings it to his mouth, licking it clean before continuing. “Are you that desperate for your punishment?”

You nod because that’s exactly what you are, desperate. You need to be punished, knowing all the while that you trust the man before you.  

Knowing that you are safe with him.

“Then I think for your punishment we’ll see how many smacks your cunt can take while I use your mouth.”

Your eyes dilate, numbly nodding your head. “Yes please. Do it. Please Sir, spank my cunt..” 

He undoes the front of his pants but doesn’t push them down his legs. Instead he frees his cock and guides it to your mouth by the base.

“Open.”

You do as you're told, mouth already watering for a taste of him.

“Don’t you dare half-ass it. You know what to do.”

You manage a nod just as he starts feeding you his cock inch by inch. He takes things slow. Although you aren’t sure if that’s for your benefit or for his own pleasure. Either way your heartbeat pounds between your ears at the warm heaviness that fills your mouth.

The muscles in your legs are taunt, waiting for the first crack of the leather crop. He hadn’t told you how many he expects you to take. You can only imagine it’s as many as he can give until he cums down your throat.

You gently suckle, knowing that’s how he liked it to start off. Slow and passionate and then sloppy until he had enough. You’re more than happy to give.

However, this position partially obscures your view. You barely notice him raising his arm until he’s bringing the crop down onto your cunt. The sting is instant, blooming through your entire lower body. Your cry is muffled by his cock but all the same your hips arch up.

You’re ashamed to admit that you’re already eager for the next strike. 

Luckily Kylo doesn’t leave you waiting long. The second blow is harder. It makes you shudder and clamp your mouth around his length.

He swears and lets the edge of the crop stroke your clit again. The mix of pain and pleasure is enough to have you tingling. You try to bob your head on him to suck him deeper but he places a hand on the column of your throat.

“Mmh, be still. I want to fuck your throat into submission.”

He does just that.

His hips buck forward gagging you each time.

You relax your shoulders as best as you can to make it easier on yourself.

But when Kylo brings the crop down against you again you jump.

How he’s managing to fuck your throat and whip your cunt simultaneously is beyond you. You whimper around him at each blow. He repeats his actions, switching off between teasing your clit and hitting your cunt.

The pain and pleasure muddles together for you. Your cunt clenches around nothing, causing an aching to burn deep inside you–needing to be filled.

Your slick drips down your thighs. The blurring of the lines seems to be bringing you closer and closer to cumming. Your body grows stiff, feeling that build up of tension as drool pools in the corners of your mouth. 

Without saying a word, Kylo pulls his cock from your mouth and stops stimulating your clit.

“Not a chance, Little One.”  

You whine, hating that he knows you well enough to sense your impending orgasm.

“You’ve made a mess of my bed.” He cocks his head, motioning to the wet spot you’ve left behind on his sheets. 

You expect another spank but he drops the crop to the floor.

“I know your cunt is usually a sloppy mess for me, but really? During your punishment?”

Your face flushes with shame.

Kylo tucks his cock back into his pants but doesn’t bother to re-button them, “Knees.”

Shakily you move as directed.

“Lick it clean.”

His words seem to echo throughout the room. Your body trembles wanting to obey, but a darker part of you still needs his firm hand. 

Still needs to be reminded that you can stop this at any time. 

“Make me. Please make me Kylo.” 

He blows a deep breath out through his nose, glaring at you when you still do not move to follow orders, “Are you fucking kidding me?” 

Your eyes widen. You’ve never seen him like this during play. Something about it excites you.  

He bites down on his teeth, rolling the pressure through his jaw and steps closer. His hand seizes you by the hair, yanking you down to the wet spot, while his other hand squeezes your jaw until it opens.

You moan, following his physical commands as he shoves your face into the mattress, holding you down by the hair until he’s satisfied you’ve cleaned it all. 

He pulls back up to eye level, holding your jaw closed instead of opened, “Was that so hard?” He pauses, letting you shake your head ‘no’. 

“Good, now swallow.” 

You do and Kylo releases you.

“I see my good girl still hasn’t returned….. A pity. Turn over!”

The bite of his tone has you rushing onto your stomach.

“Ass up.” He commands so you continue to position yourself to his liking. “Twenty. You’ll count each one, and then we'll see if you want to behave.”

“Yes Commander.” You whisper as nervous coils curl within your belly. It wouldn’t be easy to take twenty cracks of the flogger but for him you’d do it.

The first blow has you moaning out the first number.

“T-Two.” Your mouth hangs open, face pressed against the mattress. “Three!”

You buck your hips to meet the fourth blow. The sting is glorious but you’re also aware that he’s taking it easy on you.

The crack of the crop beats down onto the swell of your ass.

You continue to count each one, the flesh of your backside is surely red by the sixth smack.

By the tenth you have tears streaming down your face. You push your face into Kylo’s bed sheets trying to hold out.

It was just ten more.

Just ten.

But you have to force yourself to not move away from the eleventh blow.

“Eleven!” You sob, twisting the sheets within your fist. “Twelve, Commander! Thirteen!” You yelp quickly, trying to keep up with him.

The pain radiates through you and there is no more pleasure. 

You know you deserve to be punished after disobeying but it’s suddenly too much.

Kylo’s heaves as he brings the crop down for the fourteenth time. His cock strains against the leather of his pants at the sight and sounds of you. You’re sinfully beautiful even yelping in pain. 

He doesn’t know what’s brought this on in you but he’s more than willing to provide if it’s what you need. He intends for the last few blows to be the hardest, but when he goes to raise his arm again you flinch and shout the one word freezes him in place.

“F-Falcon!” You choke out, body shaking with sobs–real sobs. “Pl-Please, Commander. Falcon.”  

He takes a singular moment to steady his breathing and pushes aside any guilt that might come from pushing you too far.

You needed his focus and devotion. Nothing would stop him from giving you both. 

The crop drops from his hand and is kicked under his bed. You wouldn’t be seeing it for the rest of the night.

You haven’t moved out of position–your ass is still pushed out while you hide your face and cry.

Kylo moves slowly so as not to startle you. You had only used your safeword with him once before and that was after he had made you cum five times in a row and didn’t know if you could handle a sixth.

Now you were using your safeword under entirely different circumstances. It leaves him a little lost at what to do but he’s determined to figure it out.

He reaches out and tenderly touches the back of your head.

“Tell me what you need from me right now. Do you need me to give you space? Or can I touch you?”

It takes you a moment to settle your breathing and respond. “N-No more pain. Please no more pain.”

“Shhh, the riding crop is gone.” He lets his fingers massage your scalp but he doesn’t touch you anywhere else, “You did so well for me. It’s over now. Alright? The punishment is over.”

It’s only then that you turn your head to peek up from the covers. “Thank you for stopping.”

Your words have every muscle in his body tense up. “Sweetheart…. You used our safeword. Of course I stopped. Did you think I wouldn’t?” 

He tries to keep the alarm out of his voice but you hear it regardless. You make sure to hold eye contact this time.

“No… I know you would but still…thank you.”

Kylo nods but still feels weary. He doesn’t understand why you’re thanking him for that. “Tell me what my Little One needs.”

He repeats, searching your eyes and already finding the answer there.

“My… my cunt aches.”

His hand moves down to cradle your cheek, thumb brushing away a stray tear. “Does my girl need to cum?”

You lean into his hand with a nod.

He’s gentle with you now.

So

Very

Gentle

With his other hand he guides you by the hip to turn over and lay on your back. The same hand that held your face moves to the apex of your thighs. He presses his middle and index fingers against the hood of your clit.

You shudder at the small touch and a slight smile tugs at his mouth.

“That’s it, just relax. I’ll take care of you.”

You sigh, letting your muscles melt back into the bed. He touches you exactly the way you need, rubbing firm but slow circles on your clit.

The arousal from earlier quickly returns under his ministrations. Your chest rising and falling with labored breathing.

You coo, grinding into his hand.

It feels so good, but you want more.

Want all of him.

“Please, your cock Commander. I need it.”

The words tumble out of your mouth before you have the chance to stop them.

“Are you sure? This is for you, pet. Whatever you need.”

“I need it to be your cock.” You whine with a hard buck of your hips.  

You reach out for him, tugging on his forearms to try and pull him in.

“Alright, shhhh. Lay back for me.”

He does this so he can step back from the bed and strip himself of the rest of his clothing. His cock isn’t as hard as before. Your use of the safeword had sobered him—all other needs forgotten in your moment of need.

But it isn’t something that a few hard strokes and roaming looks of your body couldn’t fix.  

He crawls between your legs and reaches between them again. His fingers run along your folds, gathering up your slick before using that same hand to fist his cock.

You watch, mouth falling open in a moan.

He’s flawless.

The way the muscles of his toned stomach tense as he touches himself.

His large hand wrapped so tightly around his cock.

The pulling together of his strong brows.

The way his jaw clenches the harder his cock becomes.

“Kylo, please.” 

He shushes you once more and grabs your hip with his free hand. “I’m right here, pet.” 

Using his knees he nudges your legs apart even further, running his cock along you, from clit to slit. He grunts at the soft, pretty moans that fall from your lips.

Once he’s slicked up enough, he lines the head of his cock up with your entrance and thrusts inside.

Your head falls back as he instantly bottoms out inside of you. Your body quakes as it attempts to adjust as quickly as possible. Luckily Kylo gives you a moment before setting a rough pace.

He slams into you, fully leaning over you with his hands on either side of your head.

You cry out, already clawing at his back at the intense pleasure.

“Take it, pet. Take your Commander’s cock.”

“Yes, yes, yes!” You sob, taking it all and reveling in the way he groans whenever you clench.

You push your back up into his chest, loving the feeling of his broad chest stimulating your nipples. 

He catches onto what you’re doing and leans in even closer, invading your senses. You smell his shampoo, the soap he uses, the leather of his clothing.

They are all smells that are uniquely him. It comforts you and heightens your bliss all at the same time

“Yes Commander! I’ll take it. Pound my cunt! I’ll take it all!”

You clench around him harder, your inner walls clinging to him as fresh juices spill out and coat his length.

The head of his cock reaches your g-spot, and you swear. You stumble over his name, hands groping at various parts of him—arms, shoulders, back. Anything you could reach.

It didn’t matter as long as it anchored you to him.

A tingling and familiar feeling plays at your nipples and clit. You know it’s Kylo using the Force to help him multi-task, making sure every bit of you feels good.

Your nipples are so hard that every time the Force twists them it sends shocks straight to your core. You tremble, feeling the heat of your bodies smashing against one another.

“More, give me more.” You urge him.

A primal, sweaty need coming over you both.

You—craving that feeling of subspace and Kylo wanting to give you everything.

His balls smack against you from the power of his thrusts. A wet slapping sound filling the space from how soaked you are.

You’re so close now.

Moments away from breaking.

You want it so badly. To be out of your body for even just a few moments.

The whines that bleed from your throat become higher pitched—alerting Kylo of your impending orgasm.

He leans in to growl in your face, “Cum for me. You said you were aching for it so let go.”  

The demand in his voice does not go unnoticed. It’s obvious he’s attempting to hold back his own release until you’ve found yours.

The realization is enough to push you that much closer to the edge.

You lose total control of your body, the only thing keeping you in place is his body.

He’s on you, in you, all over you.

It’s almost too much, too overwhelming but it’s also perfection.

In this moment, your universe starts and ends with Kylo Ren. 

There’s no denying that it is him on top of you and not anyone else.

The weight of his body, the scent of him, the sound of his voice, the feeling of his cock. They’re all familiar and wanted.

Yes, you wanted this and if you didn’t you trust that he’d stop.

Kylo might not know or understand what that means to you, but that’s alright because the feeling of trust is there.

And that’s enough.

You chant his name, sobbing and begging until finally you cum around his cock.

He lets out a feral groan, but not once does he stop fucking you through your orgasm. It’s only when you go slack beneath him that he allows himself his own release. He slams into you twice more before filling you up with his load.

“That’s my good fucking girl.” He rasps out just before sinking down on top of you to catch his breath.

He calls you his ‘good girl’ and you disappear—floating out of your body and wrapped in a blanket of contentment. Your body melts into the mattress, your bones feel as if they’ve been replaced with jelly.

You easily slip into the deep warmth of subspace.

Here you are safe, protected, loved, beautiful, talented, strong, and free from the outside pain of the world. You want to stay in this feeling forever--lost in the comfort of the orgasm that Kylo has given you.

But all too soon the warmth hardens and cracks—splintering like ice.

No, no, no! Please! I want to stay here!

The cracks grow larger until it all breaks away—shattering under you.

You try to hold on, to cling to the feeling of flying but your wings are cut, and you come crashing down onto the cold concrete that is the confines of your body. Where once you felt nothing but bliss, you now feel every pore on the surface of your skin.

It's painful, so fucking painful.

Your body shudders under his, making you hyper aware that he’s resting on top of you. You feel guilty for disturbing him. What right did you have to ask for more of him?

However, it feels as if your lungs are filling with water instead of air.

You want to go back!

Want to float back into subspace!

It's not fair!

You deserve to go back!

The lights of his bedroom are suddenly too bright. You burrow your face into his bed sheets to try and shut the lights out.  

You pray it’ll do the trick to help settle your anxieties.

But it doesn’t—you’re left feeling empty. As if there’s some big hole in the pit of your stomach that can never be filled. Your shudders turn to sobs.

You’re lost in a sea of conflicting emotions.

Drowning.

Your energy leaves you, paralyzing you as the sobs worsen.

You can only manage to push out a single word—

“K-Kylo.”

The sound of his name coming from you as no more than a broken raw sob puts him on edge. He lifts himself off you, pulling out of you carefully and lays down beside you. With an arm wrapped around your waist he turns you on your side while the Force wraps you both in a clean blanket that’s floated in out of his closet.

His hands move to your face, holding it and keeping himself eye level with you. “Look at me. You’re alright. Let it all out. I’ve got you.”

The sound of his voice is soothing, but you can barely make out the words. You feel him holding you close, but you can’t seem to stop crying.

You cry for the loss of subspace that has slammed you back to reality. You cry for the loss of your old self—the more carefree, trusting, and unbroken version of yourself who died the night your attacker assaulted you.

You cry for the struggles you went through after—when you didn’t think life was worth living.

You cry for the trouble you caused your loved ones because you’re different now. Some learned to love the new you, but others had left you behind.

You cry for the fiery pain that still lives inside you. Some days that pain is a dying spark, but others, like today is a wildfire.

But mostly you cry for the woman you are now—the one who is stronger because of what she’s had to overcome, and yet you still mourn all you’ve lost.

You cry for all those things and much more.

The entire time, Kylo holds you and whispers softly.

He repeats a phrase that helps your sobs to dissipate.

“I’ve got you my good girl. I’ve always got you.”

You let out a long breath at those words, your arms come to wrap around him so you can push your ear to his chest to listen to his heartbeat. You let the sound help you to focus on breathing without crying.

Kylo simply holds you tighter and presses a kiss to the top of your head. “Tell me what’s going on, sweetheart. Please?”

Once you’ve calmed yourself a bit more you look at him. His face is etched with concern and affection.

His brow is furrowed, and his brown eyes stare sadly into yours—as if your pain is also his burden to carry. A few more tears escape but Kylo wipes them away.

He is a reminder that not all men are abusers. That there is still hope in finding everything you’ve ever wanted in a partner.

You take a moment to collect your thoughts, knowing you needed to explain what happened tonight.

“I’m sorry….. I didn’t mean to. I just…. Just….”

“Take your time. I’m not going anywhere.” Kylo reassures you while tucking a strand of hair behind your ear.

You try again.

You want to be brave.

You could be brave.

“I’ve told you about the assault. How….. how it affected me.”

Kylo nods but says nothing, letting you continue.

“Around this time of year is when it happened. Every year is a struggle. I thought that maybe…. It would help if it was my choice to be punished. I thought it would make me feel stronger to take back my power of choice…. Because he didn’t stop no matter how much I begged him.”

You allow yourself a moment to push the memory away so you can stay present.

“But I know you’re different. I knew you’d stop… that’s why I did what I did. I’m sorry, I should have told you before. But that’s why I needed to be punished, as a reminder that it’s my choice to submit or to misbehave and that all the while I can say ‘no’ and you’ll listen.”

You look away, too afraid to see his reaction.

“I’m sorry if that sounds…. odd or crazy.”

His fingers grasp your chin, guiding it to meet his gaze. He had let you say your piece and now it’s his turn.

“First, my dear, you have nothing to apologize for. You never need to apologize for needing to cry or for needing to be punished. Second, you are correct. This is all your choice. The moment you use your safeword or want out all you have to do is tell me, alright?”

You nod, staring up at him with big doe eyes.

“Lastly, I know that it is no small feat that you thrust me with your submission after what you’ve endured. I am honored to have your trust and to be your dom. Do you remember what I told you my job was when you first told me about the assault?”

You nod again.

“Say it for me Little One.”

“T-that… it’s your job to earn my submission.”

Kylo leans in and nuzzles his nose with yours, “That’s right. I plan on earning your submission every day for as long as you’ll have me.”

“Forever!” You rush out which causes him to chuckle.

“Forever is fine with me, pet.”

You curl yourself into him, loving the feeling of his laughter rumbling through his body and into yours.

He pets your hair lovingly, letting you take solace in the wide span of his arms.

“Needing to take ownership of your body and choice is more than alright, but perhaps we can come up with a word or phrase for when you need to act out and be punished? I just want to ensure I’m always giving you what you need.”

You pull back some to stare deeply into his dark eyes.

He's made you feel validated and protected. The way a real dom should.

“T-Thank you for being understanding. For listening and not making me feel crazy. But most importantly, thank you for being a good dom and showing me that not all men are like him. ”

He pulls you in even closer and lets his lips brush against yours, “Never will I tarnish you, Little one. Only treasure you.”

Kylo closes the last bit of remaining distance and seals his promise with a kiss.