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andatsea · 4 years

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XP-Pen Artist Pro 24 Review

I drew this with an XP-Pen Artist Pro 24, which the team at XP-Pen kindly sent to me for review. I’ve had to opportunity to use this tablet on-and-off over the course of the past several weeks, and while there were a few issues my overall impression is positive.

Unboxing / Contents

Apart from the 24” display tablet itself, the package comes with the usual cabling peripherals, plus some bonus extras. If your machine supports a USB-C connection for display, you’ll only need the one cable (plus the power connection). Otherwise, there’s a HDMI and a USB-C to USB converter included as well.

The extras include: an additional stylus, a one-size-fits-all artist’s glove, and a microfiber cloth.

The container for the stylus twists open to reveal 8 extra stylus nibs. Its cap can also be removed to use as a stylus holder.

Driver (Installation & General Use)

There were a few issues with installation, mostly tied to interactions between the driver, Windows 10 and Windows Ink.

Initially, brush strokes were offset from the stylus’ point of contact with the screen by about 3-4 centimetres when attempting to draw in Photoshop CS6. Random straight strokes also occurred frequently. This same problem did not occur in MS Paint or Photoshop CC 2019. This was fixed by changing the UI scaling setting for the monitor in Windows settings from 125% (which was apparently the default) to 100%.

Initially, brush strokes had no pen pressure in Photoshop CC 2019. Photoshop CS6, on the other hand, did (but suffered from the previous offset problem). This was fixed by turning on the Windows Ink setting in the XP-Pen driver menu. So in other words: CC 2019 needs Windows Ink on to recognise pen pressure, while CS6 didn’t, but was affected by UI scaling.

Interestingly, if Windows Task Manager was in focus and Windows Ink was not enabled in driver settings, stylus input was not recognised at all. There may be other programs that have this issue, but this was the only one I encountered so far.

I will say that I’ve had many problems with Wacom drivers interacting badly with Windows Ink and other things in the past before, so these types of issues are not exclusive to the XP-Pen drivers.

I’m currently using driver version 3.0.5, a beta build that has a lovely UI; it’s clear and laid out well. I did also try version 1.6.4 initially, which was fine — the UI for that version was similar to the layout you find with Wacom drivers.

Apart from the issues during installation that required troubleshooting, I haven’t had many major complaints with the driver in day-to-day use, I do think that there are a few areas for improvement, however.

The driver stops working correctly each time the computer is set to sleep and woken up again. To fix this the driver must be exited from the system tray and then relaunched.

There also doesn’t seem to be a way to bind WIN+SHIFT+ARROW to any of the express keys. WIN+SHIFT+ARROW (left or right arrow) is the Windows shortcut to quickly move a focused window to another monitor, so it’s something I use a lot if I’m on a multi-monitor setup. Unfortunately, attempting to set this shortcut in the express keys menu will simply move the actual driver window over to the other monitor while the custom input is not properly recognised in the text field.

The driver does offer a “switch monitor” option for the express keys that when clicked will transfer your stylus input to another monitor, which is extremely useful.

Screen

At 24” with a 2560x1440p QHD resolution, images are sharp and crisp even when viewed from a close range while drawing. Genuinely, it feels great to paint on based off this aspect alone.

The colour temperature is set to 6500K by default in the the driver settings. I think initially it felt just a touch too saturated, but overall I’m fairly happy with the colour display.

The monitor has touch-sensitive inputs on the top right corner: a -/+ for quickly adjusting the brightness, a menu for further settings, and power. I found myself using these to adjust the brightness throughout the day frequently. The power input requires a few seconds of continued contact from your finger to react, which prevents you from accidentally brushing it and turning the monitor on/off.

The monitor comes with a built-in stand. I found it easy to adjust to different viewing angles and also incredibly sturdy. I had no problems leaning on the monitor while drawing.

The monitor also comes with a pre-applied anti-glare screen protector. I wasn’t bothered by it and it seems to be holding out well after several weeks of use. I think the screen itself definitely needs the additional anti-glare, as being a display tablet means that it’s significantly more reflective than my main display.

Stylus

My first impression of the stylus was that it’s lighter in comparison to the Wacom styluses that I’m used to — there is very little to no weighting on the back end of the stylus, which makes it feel noticeably different when gripped. To be honest, though, I forgot about it when I was actually painting. Still, I would prefer a bit more weighting because I do think it makes the stylus more comfortable to hold overall for long periods of time.

There’s also no eraser nib, but I’ve personally never used those on Wacom tablets (I always use shortcuts to switch between brush and eraser instead) so this was a non-issue for me.

The two shortcut buttons on the side of the stylus sit quite flat to the surface, so I think they would be less likely to bother people who don’t use them. I use them a lot, however, and found that they were still easy to click despite being quite flat.

Unfortunately however I ran into a curious issue with using one of the stylus buttons to activate the eyedropper tool. When the “alt” key is mapped to one of the triggers on the stylus, activation of the eyedropper function in Photoshop (tested in both CS6 and CC 2019) is somewhat unreliable. That is, when the “alt” key is held down, the expected result is that once you tap the stylus on the canvas, a “mouse-click” will be triggered and the eyedropper will activate. While this works perfectly fine if you hold down “alt” from the keyboard (or hold down an “alt” that’s bound to one of the 20 express keys), when you hold “alt” from a stylus trigger I found that tapping quickly with the stylus only seemed to activate the eyedropper about 50% of the time. In order to activate it more reliably, I had to press harder and longer with the stylus, which can become tiring and slowed down my painting process. I also found that frequently, pressing down longer would lock me into the eyedropping function until I clicked the trigger key again.

After submitting feedback about this XP-Pen’s R&D department, I was informed that this issue occurs because the stylus is only able to send one message to the tablet at a time. Pressing “alt” on the stylus and trying to “click” at the same time counts as two messages, which may interact with each other unexpectedly. This is why it sometimes works and sometimes doesn’t.

The buttons seem to otherwise work completely fine for any other functions that don’t require the stylus to send two simultaneous messages, so unless you’re like me and like to bind “alt” to a stylus trigger, this won’t affect you.

Pen Pressure & Activation Force

Most current-gen tablets flash a big number for the pen pressure levels as a selling point. Having used tablets with 512, 2k, 4k and 8k levels of pressure sensitivity, I’d say I noticed the biggest difference when switching from 512 to 2k, but in my opinion beyond 2k the change is minimal and has no real impact on the way I draw. The XP-Pen Artist Pro 24 comes with 8192 levels of sensitivty, which is a very big number, but in practical application all I can say is that it works the way I expect it to and I don’t have any complaints regarding the transition between pressure levels on the default linear pressure curve.

More importantly I did notice that the IAF (initial activation force) was not as low as I would have liked. Very light input is not recognised, or only partially recognised before dropping off and on again. In a practical sense this doesn’t actually impact me through most of (perhaps 97%) of the painting process, but it did give me pause once in a while when I wanted to make a really light stroke and had to adjust my method. The drivers for this tablet do come with a pressure curve you can adjust to your preferences, so this can help a little, although after some tests I preferred to leave mine on the default setting.

Summary of Drawing Experience (tl;dr)

I think the mark of a good tool or piece of hardware is that it does not draw attention to itself during the course of its use. An ideal drawing experience allows me to be fully immersed in the act of drawing without having my focus shifted to dealing with the tool. With this in mind the XP-Pen Artist Pro performed very well for the most part, but was held back by a couple of issues.

Pros:

The monitor resolution honestly feels great to look at; the pixel density means that I can basically forget about pixels even with my face positioned closer to the screen.

The parallax between the tip of the stylus and the actual position of input was very minimal and basically not noticeable for me, especially after the simple calibration process offered by the driver.

At normal room temperature (say up to about mid-20’s celsius) the monitor screen stays impressively cool to the touch and I was never bothered by resting my drawing hand on its surface even when painting for long sessions.

The 20 express keys and 2 roller rings are extremely helpful and I actually found myself using all of them, despite initially thinking that I’d only need half of them. The keys are also comfortable and responsive to click (which sounds like it should obviously be so, but having used some Intuos iterations in the past which had some very annoying-to-click express keys, I don’t take this feature for granted anymore).

Cons:

The driver needs to be restarted everytime the computer wakes from sleep in order to work.

Higher IAF was noticeable when very light strokes were desirable. Also, the input will on rare occasions glitch by performing a completely straight max opacity + max brush size stroke. This seemed to happen primarily when I was trying to get light strokes to register. (It didn’t happen often enough to bother me much since it’s just a quick undo, but it did happen enough times that I noticed it.)

The issue with eyedropping using “alt” mapped to a stylus trigger as detailed above. Quite unlucky for someone like me who has over a decade of muscle memory for this particular mapping.

Overall, as I said at the beginning, my impression of the tablet is positive. While I think it has room for improvement when it comes to driver performance and the initial activation force especially, it also has a lot to offer at a highly competitive price point ($900USD at retail), and it would’ve been amazing if something like this had been available to me back when I first started digital painting. As I do enjoy using it for the most part I’ll probably continue to use it on-and-off in future.

#xp-pen #review

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dipulb3 · 4 years

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2020 Volvo V90 review: Good looks will get you far

New Post has been published on https://appradab.com/2020-volvo-v90-review-good-looks-will-get-you-far/

2020 Volvo V90 review: Good looks will get you far

Whoever said not to judge a book by its cover clearly hadn’t laid eyes on the Volvo V90.

Jonathan Harper

It’s been four years since Volvo first unveiled the V90 wagon, but damn if seeing one in my driveway doesn’t make me a little weak in the knees. Maybe it’s the Bursting Blue paint. Maybe it’s the R-Design styling tweaks. All I know is, whoever said not to judge a book by its cover clearly hadn’t laid eyes on the Volvo V90.

Gorgeous exterior design

Comfortable and nicely appointed interior

Huge roster of standard driver-assistance tech

Don’t Like

Sensus tech is sometimes buggy

20-inch wheels negatively affect ride quality

Extra effort required to buy one

The R-Design is set off by a slightly different lower front fascia and these 5-spoke, 20-inch wheels, but even the standard V90 looks handsome as heck. The low, wide stance and loooooong profile are all fantastic, as is the short front overhang, plus the LED lighting elements and generous dash-to-axle ratio. It’s a design that’s both striking and modern but will surely age well. I wouldn’t change a thing.

That longroof shape lends itself to utility, too. Fold the rear seats flat and the V90 offers 53.9 cubic feet of cargo space, which is about the same as a compact SUV. Admittedly, while passenger space is equally generous, that short overall height means headroom can be an issue for taller passengers, especially in the rear. At least the R-Design comes standard with a panoramic sunroof, to make the cabin feel as open and airy as possible, which is especially welcome given my tester’s all-black upholstery scheme.

Every single part of the V90’s interior is as nice to look at as it is to touch.

Jonathan Harper

Up front, the driver and passenger are treated to super-comfy, super-supportive chairs. Every single part of the V90’s interior is as nice to look at as it is to touch, with soft leather wrapping the dashboard and steering wheel and high-quality plastics on the door cards and center console. I could do without the abundance of piano black trim around the shifter and cup holders, as it gets very dusty very easily, but it’s a small complaint about an otherwise lovely cabin. Even the carbon fiber trim looks great.

Volvo’s Sensus software handles infotainment duties, arranged on a 9-inch, portrait-oriented screen. I’ve had a love/hate relationship with Sensus over the years and my experience continues to be hit or miss. Despite adding processing power, the V90’s system is often slow to respond to commands at startup, but once it gets going, those issues go away. I like that both Apple CarPlay and Android Auto are not only standard, but can be relegated to the bottom tile of the home screen so as to not take over the entire interface.

What I don’t like, however, is that some of the hot points to access pages like the settings menu are kind of small and easy to flub while driving. Swiping left or right reveals different menus for different things, but while the learning curve is slightly steep, once you get to know Sensus, it offers a wealth of functionality.

A digital gauge cluster is standard and, while I appreciate the minimalist approach to what information is fed to the driver, the screen isn’t as feature-rich as what you’ll find in Audi, BMW or Mercedes-Benz products. That said, where Volvo really ups the ante compared to the German competition is its standard level of active driver-assistance tech. Automatic emergency braking with pedestrian detection, a driver alert monitor, blind-spot monitoring, cross-traffic alert, adaptive cruise control, road sign information and Volvo’s Pilot Assist tech, which adds steering assist for highway driving, are all standard on the V90.

Volvo offers its T5 and T6 engines here, which you’ll find in pretty much every one of the company’s other models. The T5 consists of a 2.0-liter turbo I4 with 250 horsepower and 258 pound-feet of torque, while the T6 — which is what I have here — adds a supercharger to the mix, resulting in 316 hp and 295 lb-ft. Interestingly, the less-powerful T5 delivers its full torque thrust at just 1,500 rpm while the T6 takes an additional 700 rpm to build boost — and honestly, given the V90’s relatively relaxed demeanor, unless you’re all about bragging rights, the T5 seems like the way to go.

The eight-speed automatic transmission is imperceptible in its action and T6 models come standard with all-wheel drive for added foul-weather traction.

Jonathan Harper

That’s not to say the T6 isn’t a great engine. It provides lots of power and, despite having a turbocharger and supercharger doing work under the hood, overall operation is buttery smooth. The eight-speed automatic transmission is imperceptible in its action and T6 models come standard with all-wheel drive for added foul-weather traction. If you stick with the T5, you’re locked into front-wheel drive, but that’s not necessarily a problem a good set of winter tires can’t solve. Besides, if it’s rugged, go-anywhere ability you’re after, might I suggest the V90 Cross Country?

Even with the extra power and additional driven wheels, the T6 setup isn’t that much less efficient than the T5. The EPA says a V90 T5 with front-wheel drive should return 22 miles per gallon in the city, 33 mpg highway and 26 mpg combined, while the T6 AWD lowers those numbers to 21, 31 and 25, respectively. After a week of mixed driving, I recorded 24 mpg.

On the road, the V90 doesn’t really compel you to drive it hard. The steering has nice weight, but feels a little numb. The V90 doesn’t hate being thrown into a corner and the chassis does a nice job of mitigating body roll on winding roads. Unfortunately, the 20-inch wheels and low-profile tires of this R-Design tester make for an often brittle ride on Los Angeles’ crappy freeways.

The R-Design kit might look sporty, but the V90 is an easy-does-it sort of cruiser that’ll happily breeze through hundreds of miles at a time.

Jonathan Harper

Still, I really like driving the V90. It’s just easy. There’s great visibility out the front and an Individual driving mode allows you to tailor things like the throttle, steering and even the brakes to your liking. Personally, I prefer to leave it all in Comfort, since that’s where the V90 really shines. The R-Design kit might look sporty, but the V90 is an easy-does-it sort of cruiser that’ll happily breeze through hundreds of miles at a time.

But here’s the thing: You have to really want a V90 to get one. This wagon remains an order-only affair, meaning dealers don’t have them readily in stock, instead focusing their efforts on the higher-riding V90 Cross Country. At $53,090 to start, including $995 for destination, the V90 T5 FWD represents a $3,090 bargain over the cheapest Cross Country, which can only be had in T6 AWD guise. And if you’re really hot on a Volvo wagon, there’s also the $40,645 V60, which is slightly smaller but uses the same engines. Don’t forget about the $46,095 V60 Cross Country, either. Decisions, decisions.

The 2020 Volvo V90 is comfortable, functional and pretty nice to drive — and there’s a lot to be said for the inherent exclusivity (read: cool factor) of a special-order-only car. Those who do make the extra effort to seek one out surely won’t be disappointed. The design alone makes it a standout.

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sleepytisi · 5 years

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I Tried Out the Amazfit T-Rex Smartwatch for 2 Weeks and These Are My Thoughts

This deviates a bit from my usual witchy posts, but I thought this would be a great read for those of us who have children or who have pretty bad ADHD or tend to really just wreck shit in general and need reminders of everything.

At CES2020, Amazfit held a press conference, announcing all of their upcoming products, which spanned many categories. They were putting a huge push on making ways to get the world motivated to embrace a healthier lifestyle through technology. This was made apparent with innovations such as their home gym models, which include a large screen meant not only to entertain and monitor your technique, but also daily workout classes that are led by actual instructors.

Amazfit has had a few different smart watch designs over the last few years, but this year they included an entirely new category: rugged outdoorsman. Made for those with an active lifestyle that can take them from skiing in the Alps to hiking Angel's Landing in Utah, all the way to navigating the underwater labyrinth in the Cenote Calavera in Mexico, the T-Rex was created to handle all of this and more.

This dinosaur is named such not to indicate that it's old and decrepit, but that's it's the king of all fitness watches. With 12 military grades, a body that won't quit, 14 sports modes, a 1.3" AMOLED screen that is still useable when wet, and a 20-day battery life, you can expect this watch to be with you through thick and thin, keeping track of where you are, how far you went on your trail, helping you maintain that ultimate heart rate for the best burn, and all with the most slick of designs.

Amazfit's press conference turned into a release party, as we were all given the gift of this incredible new product, the night before its release to the world. And I wore it every day since then, so I could give you this review. Through the rest of the convention, this watch has helped me keep track of my steps and my heart rate, and has helped me learned new things about my sleep patterns. I ran it through a bunch of tests to see how it holds up in my lifestyle... which is definitely not the lifestyle I described above, which is what this watch was designed for.

I've mentioned in a few articles that I'm also a nature photographer. This puts me in places that are hard to get to, and sometimes I have scaled the side of a cliff to get a shot. I'm also very ADHD and super rough on my equipment. The third and most dangerous part of my life is that I have a toddler. So this review is from the point of view of an adventurous, clumsy, forgetful mom of a destructive monster who just yesterday ruined a pot because she left it steaming apples for four solid hours.

Design

From the perspective of someone who has slight sensory issues, a really big factor in anything that I have to wear is how it feels. For me, things can be textured or smooth, but they can't be scratchy, distracting, or so soft that it makes my skin feel like they're the hook-side of velcro. There's some microfiber stuff out there that is so soft I can't touch it. The silicone band for the watch is very soft and comfortable, and the back of the watch has not caused me any discomfort at all, while wearing it both inside and outside my wrist. I prefer watches worn on the inside of the wrist, but I ran into issues with the bulkiness getting in the way of carrying my daughter. Wearing the face on the outside minimizes that issue, but the strap sometimes still snags on her clothes. It's not a big deal, but I did feel like I might hurt her if the face was on the inside of the wrist. The buttons are mostly inset, which makes them hard to push by accident. They are also in great locations, and easy to reach. The watch face looks huge on my tiny wrist, though. Aesthetically pleasing as it is, it looks like I'm wearing something that belongs on a much larger person.

The screen is crystal clear, and the colors are rich. Through the app, there is a large selection of watch face designs, and you can rearrange the items on the screens to your liking. You can also set up app notifications, so you can see incoming texts and get notified when your phone is ringing, that one of your Pokemon needs a berry or to be revived, or even alerts that you've been sitting around for too long today. That one is turned off, because I'm not here to be judged by a watch.

Battery life

I've set this thing up with so much stuff. It monitors my heart rate every 10 minutes, it tracks my sleep, it tracks my steps, it vibrates my arm when I get notifications, it finds my phone when I lose it more often than I'd like to admit. This thing is always going. Amazfit boasts a 20-day battery life with regular use. I think I've overstepped that a bit, because it lasts me about a week before I start thinking maybe I need to charge this thing. But I also don't let things go below 50% without charging up. So I'd say with the way that I use it, you'll probably get 10-12 days of use before it goes from 100% to 0%, which is still pretty great.

Rugged

Hear me out. I'm the worst. I run into stuff, I drop things all the time (I just dropped my laptop a couple days ago and now the speakers are broken and it doesn't close all the way), I've slammed my fingers in my own car door, I've burned myself more times that I can count. During this week alone, I smashed my knee into my car door, I drank boiling tea and burned the entire inside of my mouth to the point where eating solid food feels like I'm eating broken glass, I burned my thumb on the stove, I cut my left pointer finger while chopping garlic, my daughter poked me in the eye while I was wearing contacts and straight up ruined that contact lens because my eye was leaking fluid, I bit my lip, and I've dropped my phone in my face several times. And that's just what I did to myself.

I completely destroyed a pot while steaming apples because I forgot it was steaming for four hours, I dropped my laptop and it barely functions now, I've left my phone in so many public places it's a miracle I still have it. My daughter isn't much better. She's crazy fast for being one year old, she has ripped those really sturdy board books in half, she flips chairs and tables over, has ripped gates that are screw-mounted to my wall straight out of the wall, and will absolutely bite your nipple right off your chest. True story.

So I may not always be scaling the side of a mountain, but I am always in need of things to be rugged. That being said, this watch does not have a scratch on it.

During CES, I bumped into walls and booths, was pushed by people day after day, and scraped it against things as I walked by them. I planted a tree yesterday and bumped it into a rock. I handed it to my daughter to play with because we were out and about a little too long and she kept grabbing stuff in someone's office. She smashed it on the table, she chewed on it, she threw it at one point. I honestly feel like I should try to run it over, because this thing isn't even dirty from what I put it through.

App Usage

The app is very easy to use and designed well. It keeps everything organized in one place, and things are easy to find for the most part. It did take me a while to find the button to add apps for notifications, because it was very small, at the very bottom of a white screen, and the button was light grey. Almost like they didn't want you to see it. My only other qualm is that when you're looking at the heart rate tracker, you can select each peak to see details of that mark, but it's a little hard to select some spots.

Built in apps on the watch include an alarm, timer, and countdown, event reminders, activities, heart rate, your current status, weather alerts, music control, a compass, sports modes, the settings for the watch (like the face, how long the screen is on, etc), and my absolute favorite function: Find My Phone. Find My Phone will use the connection from the watch to the app on my phone to make the loudest and most ear-piercing tone I've ever heard in my life, whether or not my phone is on silent. Other Find My Phone options turn on my ringer, which isn't very loud at all, so this absolute banshee shriek of a sound is perfect for me.

The sports modes are really fun to play with. They track your GPS location at the start, then not only time you and mark your positions, but also track your heart rate and give you alerts to keep you in the zone. This is fun for people who enjoy working out, but I have enough issues with my heart rate spiking without any stimulation, so I'm probably not going to use this much. I do, however, have an alert to notify me of when my heart rate spikes, so that's comforting.

Sleep Mode is automatic, which is great. I was using an app in my phone prior to this watch, and it's not very accurate. Sleep mode tracks through movements and heart rate how optimal your sleep quality is. What's really interesting is seeing how slow my heart rate gets while in deep sleep. At one point hitting 39bpm! Tracking your heart rate during sleep can also tell you how your body is reacting to your day. So if it slopes downward, it's likely that you ate a late meal, because that's indicative of your body digesting at bedtime.

Issues that I've run into

I've had to keep my watch locked unless I specifically want to use it. I've found it constantly turning on and activating stuff that I didn't want to activate, just from the lightest touch from outside sources. One of the most frustrating was accidentally turning on DND mode in the middle of the day, and having people get mad at me for not answering messages.

My favorite part

Notifications, hands down. I am not good at responding to texts or phone calls. I don't hear my ringer, and when it's on vibrate, I won't notice the message at all. Having my watch notify me through a very abrupt and jarring vibration is perfect for me.

Final note

This watch is fantastic. I may not use it for crazy adventures outdoors, but I do have a good use for it in my life. Having something that reminds me of stuff that needs to be done, notifies me of messages, and is impossible to destroy? Perfect for my life. The entire reason I was not willing to spend money on smart watches from other manufacturers was simply because I knew they would get wrecked with the way I treat things.

For a cool $130, this watch is the exact right thing for more than those who live life jumping from helicopters. It's also for ADHD moms of tyrant babies who are keen on wrecking everything nice that they own.

What are your thoughts? Any other products you'd like me to review? Let me know in the comments! This review was not paid for or coerced in any way, and nothing written in it was exaggerated. Those things actually happened.

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thecowardlycreative · 7 years

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We’re Okay

Fandom: Voltron: legendary defender

Pairing: Klance with past Laxum

Summary: There’s probably going to be a part of Lance that will always love Plaxum and, deep down, Keith is pretty sure he’s always known that. (part of the single-dad!lance au)

Words: 1637

notes: man, I should really get on and actually write this fic chronologically…

Keith knew, before he was even fully conscious, that he was alone in the bed. The sheets felt too loose around him, the air too cold. Still, he couldn’t help reaching out for Lance with one hand. He must have gone to the bathroom. But the light under the door wasn’t on.

Keith frowned and rolled over to Lance’s side of the bed. It was already cold there but it still smelt like him and Keith guiltily buried his face in his pillow for a moment. He stayed there, waiting for Lance to come back. Maybe he’d laugh at Keith’s clinginess. Maybe he’d pull out his phone and take a picture so that he could blackmail Keith until the end of time with his inability to sleep alone anymore. Maybe he wouldn’t say anything at all. Maybe he’d just smile in the soft, brittle way that he has when he feels too much at once and crawl back into bed, wrap himself around his boyfriend, and fill the bitter cold that had settled in his absence.

That would be nice.

But he still wasn’t back and it had been almost ten minutes. Even if he was getting a glass of water, he shouldn’t be taking so long.

Allowing himself one more lungful of Lance, Keith stood up, his feet freezing on the wooden floor.

The house slept and the wind blew outside and the mountains swam with life as they always did; the sound of night creatures might have disturbed him when he first moved here but now they were barely noticeable, like the sound of waves in the background. He ducked his head into Ruby’s room but she was still sound asleep, her cheeks highlighted purple by her nightlight. Keith smiled despite himself at her serene expression and shut the door again silently.

He found Lance in the living room. The lights were still off but the TV was on and it’s eery blue flicker had lead him in the right direction. Lance was hunched in front of it on the floor, curled around a cushion with his chin on his knee, watching the screen with a blank face. He barely seemed to be blinking. The volume was down so low that Keith couldn’t hear it from where he stood in the doorway but the woman on the screen was recognisable enough.

Dr. Platea Honorè – Olkari University, the banner at the bottom of the screen read.

Her hair in two thick braids, a recently graduated Plaxum talked animatedly from the middle of some rainforest, her hands waving, eyes alight and Keith felt something twitch in his heart. He tried not to frown. There was no point being jealous of a woman who was already dead, he knew that. But he also knew that there was some part of Lance would never really stop loving her.

“She always wanted to meet David Attenborough,” Lance’s voice took him by surprise. He must have sensed Keith there because he never even turned around. “Never got to, in the end… But she did get invited on this one documentary – it’s not Attenborough but it’s still damn impressive, in my opinion – and sometimes I… You know, just when I need to hear her voice.”

Keith wasn’t sure if he was breathing. Honestly, he wasn’t even thinking about whether he was breathing or not because every single atom of him was trying to think of something to say – anything that he could say to make Lance stop sounding like that.

“I probably know her whole bit off by heart,” said Lance quietly. “‘Because it’s a widespread species’,” he said in perfect synchronisation with a tragically young Plaxum. “‘We’ve always know it was a widespread species – even having been introduced intentionally in some areas for pest control to disastrous effect – and I just sort of started to wonder: maybe I’d found the ‘Darwin’s finches of the Indo-Australian region’. I mean, they’re not literal finches but maybe I could find something that differentiated the different populations and use that to map the historical spread of monitor lizards through the area –”

Lance was still going, his voice coming out in a steady stream, even his hands seemed to mirror Plaxum’s but his face – god, his face was so twisted with pain that Keith was striding across the room before he had even thought to do it. He wrapped his arms around the other man and that voice, that terrible, awful, fake-cheery voice that warbled at the edges and set Keith’s teeth on edge finally stopped. And Lance sat still. Just breathing. Not moving. Plax kept talking around them.

“Sorry,” he said at last, his voice breaking but at least his own. “I don’t… Sometimes I forget what she sounded like. And when I try to remember, all I can hear…” Keith pretended he could hear the wet sniff that interrupted Lance’s sentence. “All I can hear is this fucking… thing. And I… I don’t want to learn about stupid lizards anymore. But it’s not like she’s here to talk about anything else.”

What should he say? What should Keith say?

God, he didn’t know. His heart hurt and he couldn’t tell whether it was still from some illogical jealousy or just the knowledge that Lance must have fallen apart like this over and over and over again until he knew every line in that damn documentary by heart. All alone with Ruby sleeping ignorant and happy upstairs and the TV flickering in a dark room, Lance must have clenched his teeth and buried his face in a cushion and wished for someone to come and save him night after night after night. And now, even though Keith was right there, he couldn’t do anything but tighten his arms around him and let him cry.

Lance didn’t cry for long – the product of much practice, no doubt – and then he curled his arms under Keith’s shoulders and toppled them both sideways until they lay like parentheses on the rug, foreheads and toes touching. Plax had finished her piece and the documentary had moved on, following the Wallace Line through South-East Asia, but neither of them seemed to even notice. Lance’s nose still ran and his eyes were rimmed pink, his mind was still trying to reach out for the fragments of his wife that were always just a little too far. He didn’t mean to, in fact almost all of him was right there, enjoying the soft rug beneath him and Keith’s thumb rubbing hesitant strokes over his ribs with all the inexperienced concern that made him so Keith, but some days Plax just seemed a little closer than usual and it was always too tempting at those times not to try stretch out and grab her.

Keith still hadn’t said anything, just stared at him with those big, dark eyes and bored his forehead against his as if he could rip out all the painful memories by sheer force of will. He was so… kind. That was the only word Lance could think of to describe him and that was somehow hilarious because ‘kind’ would be the last word Keith would ever use to describe himself. And maybe that said something. Maybe it wasn’t ‘kind’ that Lance was thinking of. Empathetic? Protective? Caring? Whatever the word, Keith was Good and Lance was floored on a regular basis that he didn’t seem to see it.

Plax would see it. She would have taken one look at all of Keith’s awkward affection and fond insults and worried nagging and known exactly how Good that boy was. Even now his eyes were widening in fear as Lance frowned at yet another unbidden thought of Plaxum. He was worried. And Lance loved him for that.

“You know,” he whispered across the few inches between them, “I think she’d love you. I mean, not in the way I love you but in a platonic ‘this kid is great’ sort of way.”

Keith’s thumb stilled on Lance’s ribs and his eyes opened even wider, flicking back and forth between Lance’s searching for who knows what. He stared and he stared and he stared until Lance started to feel himself shift uncomfortably at it.

“What?” he half-laughed because it was easier to cover his discomfort with blustering.

Keith’s adam’s apple bobbed once. “You love me?” he breathed.

Lance felt caught between a smile at the quiet look of awe on Keith’s face and fear that he might have just colossally screwed up. “I do,” he said, all the same.

“Me?” Keith confirmed.

“You.”

“That’s… whoa. Unexpected.”

“We are dating?”

“I just… didn’t think you’d… I’m kind of a mess?”

There was no confusion that time in what he wanted to do and Lance laughed, throwing one arm over Keith’s waist to pull him closer. Keith frowned.

“Babe, we’re all kind of a mess,” Lance said with a grin.

“Oh,” said Keith. And then the tiniest little smile picked up the corners of his mouth, it seemed as if this was only just dawning on him and he pressed his forehead more firmly against Lance’s again. It seemed to be his signature move when overcome with emotion. “I love you, too,” he whispered and Lance just kissed him.

In the background, the narrator of the documentary gave some witty soundbite and a swell of orchestral music spilled softly from the TV as the credits began to play. The tragically young Platea Honorè was gone, tucked away back onto the DVD as nothing but data again. And maybe there would be some part of Lance that would always love her, and maybe some days that would continue to scrape illogically at Keith’s insides, but, at the same time, maybe that was okay. Because none of that meant Lance had to love him any less.

#klance #laxum #modern au #voltron: ld #lance mcclain #keith kogane #plaxum (vld)#klance au #kid fic #i'm getting awfully sick of tumblr not retaining formatting when i paste something in #i don't want to have to go through and re-italisise everything...#fic: Yesterdays Makeup #long post #enjoy!#fiction #fanfiction

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ellanainthetardis · 7 years

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Let’s greet a new family member today ;) Let me know your thoughts!

[FF] or [AO3]

13. Nineteen Weeks

The puppies were little more than balls of white fur with black eyes and pink tongues. There were five of them left, rolling around in the light coat of snow with the little girl, under the watchful eyes of their mother. For puppies, they were huge, the size of a small dog at least, but that were Samoyeds for you, Haymitch figured.

“Haven’t found anyone to take them yet?” he asked Riley, almost wishing Katniss had caved and had adopted one – even though she claimed Buttercup was enough of a pet for a lifetime.

The old man rubbed the back of his neck and gave the dogs a wince. “Nah. Not many takers. Got a phone call from someone in Seven who would take two but… Can’t keep three of them on my own though.”

Haymitch glanced at Effie who was still talking with Eileen Clarke a few feet away. They had met the woman and her daughter on their way out of the Hob and the two of them had been chatting ever since. It had been fifteen minutes – fifteen minutes of him more or less having to entertain Eileen’s daughter – and he was starting to think they would never get to their appointment at the clinic on time. Effie tended to forget she didn’t walk as fast as she used to.

“The kid might take one if you can convince the mom.” he joked, nodding at the little girl whose red hair was flying around as the puppies chased after her.

“They make good friends for little kids.” Riley nodded. “They’re good guard dogs too.”

Haymitch knew he was hinting at something but he pretended not to understand, crouching down to pat the head of the puppy who had wandered away from the pack to sniff his boots. It immediately wriggled its tail and gave a joyful shrill bark, jumping left and right, clearly hoping for him to join its game. He buried his shaky gloved fingers in its thick fur with a smirk, ruffling it until the puppy rolled on its back to present its belly.

It was cute. Very, very cute.

He had owned a dog once. A very long time ago. His little brother had dragged a mutt back home, begging to be allowed to keep it… The dog had stayed for two days – time enough to infest the whole house with fleas –and then had run away and had never come back. Overall, it wasn’t his best pet experience but… He had liked the idea of a dog.

He heard Eileen calling her daughter but it wasn’t until he felt Effie’s presence at his side that he looked up with pleading eyes.

She stared at him for a second, lifted an eyebrow, and then proceeded to smile at Riley, exchange a few pleasantries, and make their excuses because they had an appointment to keep. He patted the puppy’s head once more and said his own goodbye, trying not to notice that the dog ran after them on a few feet until Riley whistled it back to his side.

“Say, sweetheart…” he hesitated.

“Eileen is approaching her due date.” she declared, not leaving him a chance to finish. “Isn’t it exciting? We need to find a gift for the baby… They are having another girl… There are a lot of cute dresses in that store in town…”

Her eyes took a faraway glaze that he had learned to recognize long ago: there would be a shopping frenzy in her near future. It made him smirk. She was hyper lately. She didn’t sleep well because the baby kept moving in the middle of the night and thus she was tired but glowing at the same time – because her favorite thing in the world now seemed to be feeling the shrimp move. He was starting to kick but not strongly enough to be felt yet. He kept placing his hands on her stomach but was disappointed every time. He should be able to feel him soon though and he couldn’t wait.

“You want a girl yourself just so you can dress her up in ridiculous clothes.” he teased.

She bit down on her bottom lip and adjusted her woolen scarf but couldn’t hide her excitement. “We will know soon, there is no point presuming.” Her eyes were twinkling madly and she looped her arms around his, a bright smile on her lips. “Can you imagine? In two hours we will know if we are having a boy or a girl…”

The words made him thirsty for liquor because they were terrifying.

They also made him want to kiss her, so that was what he did, not quite minding the fact that they were in public. The street was mostly deserted. December’s cold made people hurry from one point to another, and he was done hiding anyway. And, truth be told, being rewarded by her very pleased smile was enough for him to fight his own privacy issues.

They had been good ever since Four, despite the marriage disaster. They had sex, they planned their future with just enough excitement that they didn’t let the fear terrify them into stupor, they comforted each other when doubt crept in, they bickered, they bantered, they smiled and touched each other at every given opportunity like they were teenagers in love and not two adults who had been together for more than a decade… He dared say they were happy. And he loved being happy.

“So…” he prompted, as they started walking again. “You want a girl?”

“I suppose I would love a baby girl.” she hummed. “But honestly I just want our child to be healthy. I would be happy with either. What about you?”

He thought about it long and hard – as if he hadn’t been thinking about it for weeks yet – and he shrugged. “I don’t mind. I’d just want to… you know… know.”

“Yes.” she grinned, quickening her pace and forcing him to do the same. He didn’t protest too much because he was just as impatient as she was.

They managed to get to the clinic on time but barely just. It wasn’t a bad thing in Haymitch’s opinion because at least, that way, they didn’t waste their time sitting in the waiting room, trying to pretend they didn’t notice everyone was staring at them.

He was more than aware that a few people in Twelve – if not in the whole country – not only disapproved her pregnancy but also plainly resented it. So far, aside for the incident with Clay at the grocery shop, the worst that had happened was a few overheard comments. Effie hadn’t gone out of the house much since she had come back from Four – she had insisted on cleaning it from floor to ceiling because he had made a mess in her absence and the first snow fall of the season hadn’t been an inducement for her to walk around since she hated being cold. Still, Haymitch was a bit uneasy with the blatant hostility of some people and if that had tended to make him overprotective before, it was nothing compared to now.

There was no hiding how impatient they were from Doctor Larcher who smiled indulgently at them as they went through the infuriating process of small talk. Haymitch was relieved when they moved on to actually health related matters but he kept tapping his foot all the time the doctor asked Effie questions – despite her pointed looks.

He sighed in relief when the ultrasound machine was rolled closer.

It wasn’t their first ultrasound by any means and they knew what to expect now. Still, Haymitch grabbed Effie’s hand and squeezed, not even fighting his smirk. She answered that with a bright smile of her own.

It took a few minutes before Larcher found the right angle and the whooshing sound of the machine was covered by the strong heartbeat of their child. It wasn’t a sound Haymitch would ever get tired of. Every time, he felt a lump in his throat.

He didn’t mean to cling tighter to her hand but he did and she looked up at him, her eyes bright with tears she hastily blinked back.

He knew she still had her misgivings and the deep fear that something would go wrong was still there although slightly muted… But at times like this… It was easy to let go and just…

It was their baby.

He still had troubles processing the thought sometimes.

“Is he healthy?” she asked, her voice a bit rougher than usual.

Larcher’s eyes were riveted to the screen as he moved the sensor a little, taking notes on the chart with his free hand.

“As healthy as can be.” the doctor promised.

Just then the baby did… something. It moved… Or rolled… Or…

Effie chuckled. “He does that a lot.”

Haymitch watched the monitor, completely fascinated. It was one thing to know the baby was doing stuff in her stomach, it was completely another to see it with his own two eyes.

“He’s active, that’s very good.” Larcher commented. “You will be able to interact with him soon. He will react to voices and vibrations… I strongly encourage you to start talking to him.”

“Is it a him?” Haymitch asked, unable to contain himself any longer. He wanted to know suddenly, so he could picture himself with a toddler and have a proper accurate freak out.

The doctor glanced at him and tried to find a better angle even though the baby seemed to be awake and quite agitated. “I would say… Yes. He’s a he.”

“A boy…” Effie beamed, squeezing his hand, her smile so big it must have hurt. “Haymitch, we are having a boy!”

“A son…” he whispered and felt the imperative need to sit down.

It was a good thing Larcher was attentive – and probably used to this sort of things – because the man placed the sensor down and immediately pushed a stool in his direction right in time for his legs to give in.

“Alright there, Haymitch?” the doctor asked, a hand on his shoulder to steady him. He was studying him with attention and so was Effie.

Haymitch could only blink. The chuckles took him by surprise but soon turned to laughter and he placed his hand on her round stomach, not minding the sticky gel one bit.

“Effie, we’re having a kid.” he declared.

It might have been the most stupid thing he had ever said.

“Why, I am relieved you finally noticed.” she deadpanned, a tad teasing.

He rolled his eyes but he couldn’t stop smirking because… “We’re having a baby boy.”

“You don’t say.” she laughed at him but soon took pity, her own smile was impossible to fight. “A boy.”

“A boy.” he repeated.

Larcher was good enough not to laugh – too much.

It was still some time before they were allowed out of there. More questions for Effie, more recommendations… And then it was his turn to be grilled with questions about how he was doing, if he was handling withdrawals alright, if the pills helped, if he needed more…

He was relieved when they finally stepped out of the clinic, still reeling high on their new discovery. It seemed they couldn’t stop smiling. They would look at each other and they would smile and it was like everything was enhanced. The cold wind, the brightness of the snow covering the pavement, the sharp blue winter sky…

It had been some time since he had seen Effie so happy and it made him feel even better. It was cliché how utterly blissful he felt, walking down the streets that would take them back to the Victors’ Village, her arms looped tight around his.

“We are really doing this, aren’t we?” she hummed as they took a turn not too far from the bakery.

He briefly toyed with the idea of making a detour to tell Peeta the news but thought better of it. One, the kid needed to focus on the roof they were finishing so he could open soon. Two, if he told Peeta before he told Katniss, there would be hell to pay.

“Yeah.” he smirked. “We’re doing this.”

He was rewarded with a squeeze on his arm and he glanced down at her. She looked so beautiful… Her blue eyes madly twinkling, her cheeks pink both from the walk and the excitement… He reached out with his free hand to adjust her woolen scarf around her throat, and there was such tenderness in her gaze…

I love you…

The feeling was familiar but the words that floated in his mind were almost foreign. They died on his tongue before they could even pass his lips and it frustrated him because he wanted to tell her. She knew, he knew she knew, but knowing and hearing it weren’t the same thing.

He was so focused on her that he almost missed it. There was a movement at the corner of his eyes, a flash of brown leather, and, when he looked, there was Clay, leaning against a shop window, watching them… How long had the man been there? Haymitch could have sworn he had already caught sight of him at the Hob earlier. Was he following them or was it just a coincidence?

But the pure hatred in the man’s eyes…

“Haymitch?” Effie frowned, following his gaze. Her face hardened and she tugged on his arm. “Let’s go home.”

He swallowed hard, clenched his jaw and resisted the urge to confront the guy. He let her drag him away, one arm still firmly looped around his and her free hand rubbing her stomach over her coat.

“If you see him around and you’re alone…” he started after a few minutes.

“I am not stupid.” she countered. “And I am no stranger to being careful in public. I used to be famous once upon a time, if you remember.”

It was an attempt at levity, not a great one but an attempt all the same, and so he let out a long deep breath and tried to push the bad feeling in his stomach aside. “We’re gonna have to talk names, yeah?”

She brightened, the spring back in her steps as she steered them toward the Village. “Oh, we have some time yet but it never hurt to be prepared… We should have stopped at the bookstore… They have baby names books…”

He had meant last names, really, but he wasn’t sure now was the perfect time to put the marriage thing back on the table. She was happy, they were happy, and he didn’t want to start an argument.

“Nothing ridiculous.” he stated. “That rules out most Capitol names.”

She rolled her eyes at him and whacked his shoulder. “Do you want to name him after someone?”

The question was hesitant but he figured it was reasonable.

He made a face. “Like who?”

“Your brother?” she offered with reluctance because they never talked about his family. He tensed but before he could completely freak out, she rubbed his arm and soldiered on. “Or Chaff, if you really want to. I can’t say I would love it but he was your best friend and I would understand if you wished to pay tribute to him. Cinna also comes to mind but…”

“Katniss won’t like that.” he finished. Or, more accurately, she might appreciate the gesture but then have a panic attack every time they called their boy and that might be problematic in the long run. He wrinkled his nose. “Our kid is his own person. I don’t want… Look, I put my brother to rest. Chaff too. I don’t need… I don’t need that. They don’t either.”

She nodded and he couldn’t help but notice she looked relieved. “It was simply a suggestion. I would prefer a name without strings attached too. Ideally, I would have loved my grandfather’s name but my sister got there before me I am afraid. Two Timotheo would be confusing.”

Timotheo wasn’t so bad a name. Long and Capitol but they could always have shortened it to Tim or Theo. He was sure she could come up with worse than that.

They stopped for a moment at the foot of the slope leading up to the Village so she could catch her breath. Haymitch kept glancing at their surroundings, unable to shake off the feeling of foreboding. He wasn’t always at the house with her and he realized he couldn’t always make sure she didn’t wander around the District by herself – it wasn’t fair on her and it wasn’t fair on the kids. He also realized once the baby would be born, it would be twice as hard to keep them both safe from people who had grudges and less than kind intentions.

As they finally trekked up the slope to the Village, his resolution cemented. When they reached their front door, he was completely decided.

“I’m dying for a cup of tea.” she sighed, fishing around her purse for their keys.

He waited until she had opened the door to bury his hands in his pockets. “I forgot something in town, sweetheart. I’ll be back in a few.”

“Oh.” she frowned. “Alright. Could you swing by the bookstore, then?”

“Sure.” he nodded. “Get some rest, yeah? Take a nap or something…”

She rolled her eyes at him but there was a smile tugging at her mouth. She planted a kiss on his lips.

“I promised Mother I would call her after the ultrasound.” she declared. “So I will call while drinking my tea and then I will lie down and knit for a while. Satisfied?”

“Thrilled.” he deadpanned but pecked her right back.

She shook her head at his antics but disappeared inside, leaving him to head back into town. He was attentive but he couldn’t spot Clay anywhere. Maybe it had been a coincidence, then. Maybe he was being paranoid and overprotective. However they had been through so much it was hard not to be.

His first stop was the bookstore where he left the woman behind the counter select the appropriate books for him, painfully nodding and restraining himself from being rude faced with her curious questions. Gossip would follow that visit, he knew it.

He made several other stops and it was late by the time he finally got back to the Village, his arms full of bags.

He was also a bit scared she would kill him.

Once everything was inside, bags in a heap in the corridor, he wasn’t scared anymore, he was certain he was about to be mauled to death – she had just redone her manicure the previous day and he was quite sure her claws were sharp.

“Sweetheart?” he called out.

He could have done without the high pitched bark that echoed it.

She came out of the kitchen, wearing one of those pink leggings that were stretchy enough to accommodate her belly and lost in one of his grey sweatshirt, her blond hair tied up in a messy ponytail. She didn’t look impressed.

“What is this?” she asked.

And another happy bark answered her.

“Surprise?” he tried, looking a bit sheepish. The puppy barked again, crouching low and then hopping left and right, before rolling on himself, apparently perfectly happy to entertain himself. “He’s cute and fluffy. You like cute and fluffy.” he reminded her. He wasn’t about to go so low as begging her to let him keep it. He wasn’t a kid and she wasn’t his mother. He was a grown man who could decide to get a dog if he wanted to and he didn’t need her approbation. All the more so given that the dog would be very big once adult and that it should convince anyone to think twice before coming after her or their child. “Look, he needed a home.”

She pursed her lips and folded her arms in front of her chest.

“Well.” she huffed. “We have the house, we have the white picket fence, now we have a dog… I guess it is a good thing we started with the children already. We have some work to do to reach the traditional 2.5.”

He winced. “Effie…”

“You could have consulted me.” she snapped. “If you wanted a pet, I would have preferred a cat. And we are already having a baby, do you truly think we need another one? It will leave hairs everywhere. And…”

The puppy wandered to her, sniffing her feet and her legs before sitting back, his pink tongue poking out of his mouth. He barked twice and she sighed, bending just enough to pat his head. He wasn’t satisfied with that and tried to stand up on his hinder legs to seek her hand.

“Samoyeds are good with kids.” he told her. “They can grow up together. Kids like dogs.”

She still didn’t look happy but the puppy was making a good job at convincing her he was a cute innocent little thing that needed a home. It licked her hand – which made her frown – and barked at her, demanding cuddles.

“Look at this fur… He will shed it everywhere…” she sighed. “Who will clean up? I am not a housemaid, you know.”

“I’ll clean up.” he promised.

“You will train him too.” she declared. “There won’t be any bad surprise in the house, am I clear? And he better not come anywhere near my shoes.”

“I bought some stuff. It should keep him busy.” he pacified her, grabbing her shoulders and steering her toward the couch because he didn’t know how long she had been up but he was very sure she should rest more.

She had barely sat down when the puppy jumped on the couch next to her.

“Now, now, that won’t do.” she chided him, gently tangling her fingers in his thick fur. “No dog on the furniture.”

“I’ll put up a shed in the backyard for him.” he declared.

She immediately frowned and grabbed the puppy, holding it close to her chest, to the dog’s obvious delight. “It is too cold, poor thing!” She pouted at him as if he was the most cruel man to ever walk the Earth and she scratched the puppy’s neck. “We will buy him a nice bed. Oh, and a pretty collar… And a shiny plate. He needs his own plate if we are to keep him.”

He rolled his eyes, not quite ready to confess everything she had just listed was in the bags in the corridor, and dropped on the couch next to her. The puppy immediately escaped her to come to him and then amused himself walking back and forth to demand cuddles.

“Did you name him yet?” he snorted after a while of her alternating between berating him for taking decisions without consulting her and going completely crazy over the fluffy ball of fur.

“It is either Amadeus or Snowball.” she declared without a second of hesitation.

He shook his head, not even trying to hide his chuckles. “Can’t wait to argue about children names with you, sweetheart…” He scratched the puppy behind the ears. “Snowball it is.”

“Somehow, I knew you would choose this one.” she teased.

He snorted again and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, letting her lean against his chest, the puppy jumping around, exploring his new home.

It wasn’t so hard to imagine a baby crawling around after the dog…

And, with Effie in his arms and his hand on her pregnant belly, it wasn’t that scary either.

#hayffie #effie trinket #haymitch abernathy #april showers

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angelparentncl-blog · 7 years

Text

First blog post

I dont know if anyone will ever read this, im unsure if I actually want people too. This is just somewhere I thought I would jot down my idea’s and thoughts as an Angel Parent.

Before I go any further, maybe it’s best to define what I mean when I say Angel Parent. In basic terms it means my child died. Her name was Lexi Jayne and she was as real as could be, I held her in my arms and kissed her little head and fell in love with her as soon as I saw her. I didn’t used to believe in love at first sight, but since it happened to me twice (the only other time was with my wife) I guess I have no choice.

I guess maybe I should also give a bit of back story. That’s where most things start isn’t it? The beginning.

So, I was fortunate enough to meet my wife at work, I still remember when she came for her interview, she was stunning (and you still are babes if you read this). I never thought I would have a shot. You have heard the term “punching above your weight” or “well out of your league”, this was the ultimate definition of this. But after becoming friends a little romance blossomed and the next thing you knew we were together (yay go me). What followed were a lot of ups and like any relationship a couple of downs. We got married on August 5th of 2012 and our next thought was “let’s start a family”. We tried and tried for a good 4 years. We were told that in theory nothing was wrong with us so everything was to do with weight. We tried diets and our weight went up and down over the next however many years. We were still unsuccessful. We eventually blamed stress from our workplaces at the time and decided to hold off until we were in a better mental state to attempt to conceive.

This was around February 2016. We had lots to look forward too in the year ahead. We had a trip to New York planned, We were discussing a family cruise on the Disney Magic, so much was going on. We decided to be one of those couples who would just holiday for a while and come back to the baby thing later. We after all had plenty of time. Nature is a funny thing though isn’t it? It was June 2016 around the 28th to be exact. Now this may be a bit too much information here so apologies in advance. But Rachael had been having funny periods for the past 2 month, something was off and she was, understandably, concerned. We scheduled a Doctors appointment for the 30th of June to see what the hell was going on. On the 29th of June Rachael decided to do a pregnancy test JUST IN CASE. There it was, the line we had always wanted to see, it was POSITIVE. More tests were taken just to be certain and every one positive, positive, positive. We were overjoyed. We were finally extending our family.

Our next step was telling our parents. At this time my in laws were currently on a cruise, so they were unreachable. But my parents were around. I know you’re meant to wait until 12 weeks to tell people but we had waited for so long we thought, fuck tradition, lets tell people now. We bought some pacifiers and put them into a gift bag and presented them to my mum. She was, at first, confused. Until it all clicked. I don’t think I have ever seen her so happy. I then told my auntie who had the same reaction, though honestly, not as grand. Which we totally understood, she has never really been a kid person, if we got a puppy it would be so different haha. The next day my in-laws were to arrive home. We were going to pop down that evening but decided on a facetime conversation instead. I still have the pictures (im sure I will upload them soon). The tears of joy and happiness still makes me smile. Things were looking good.

As you can imagine the next few months of our lives was filled with excitement, planning, buying and obviously nerves. We went for our first scan thinking we were at 12 weeks. We were wrong, just so much anticipation, turns out we were only 8. But they checked our baby out anyway and everything was progressing nicely. Finally got our 12 week scan and could see our little baby properly for the first time. Yes she was small on the screen but features could be made out. I’m not going to lie here, tears were shed. Its one of those moments when you finally have something that you have always wanted. Your own flesh and blood on the screen in front of you. It’s something you can never prepare for. I’m sure my fellow fathers understand this. Things were now real.

Another 8 weeks later we finally get our 20 week scan. I am so nervous but excited, I get to see my child again but only this time we get to know if were having a boy or a girl. Like every father the thought of a son slightly edges in front of a daughter. I never understood why this is but it happened (on a side note the reason I mention this is because I want this blog to be fully honest, im not going to lie about feelings etc and if you think im wrong for wanting a boy, im sorry its just how it was). So we have the scan we are told it’s a girl. My wife was elated and truth be told, so was I. Yes its not going to be my boy that I will play football with etc but its going to be a girl. I came to actually liking the idea of a girl more than a boy. Just that daddy daughter bond, being wrapped around her little finger, scaring away her first dates etc. I was excited. The 20 week scan also showed us something that we didn’t expect. She had an anomaly. It was on the umbilical cord and thought to likely be a cyst but we would need further testing to be sure. We left the scan room, honestly, nervous. But we were reassured that these things pop up on a daily basis and its nothing to worry about. This just needs to be confirmed by a specialist and things can continue as normal.

So, assured as we were we left, we started discussing names and told our proud parents they were due to have a granddaughter. We decided on the name Lexi Jayne. It just fit. Lexi it was. Our family happily shared the news online that Lexi was our decided name and how proud they were, typical mam n dad stuff really. We were booked in with our next scan the week later to see what was going on with this anomaly. We spoke to a new Doctor who scanned my wife and advised us that this is something more serious than a cyst. We needed to see another speciality doctor in another hospital. So a week later another appointment was made at the hospital in the centre of Newcastle. We were told to arrive for 3pm but expect a bit of a delay. 6pm, we finally get called through for our scan. We speak to the doctor and her nurse who inform us Lexi had what was known as an Umbilical Vein Varix. If you want more information on that, google is your friend here people, in general it means the vein in her umbilical chord is swollen at a point. We were again assured that this is fine, this is a very rare condition but death rates were low, in fact the number of recorded deaths due to this varix is 0. We were told we need to be monitored every other week to check on growth as that’s the only thing we need to worry about.

So again we left happy. We had another scan of our daughter where it looked like she was yawning and had her hand over her mouth. I won’t lie, this had to be my favourite scan pic. It showed us a bit of her personality, we also got a pic of her massive foot which had been kicking Rachael for some time now. We then understood why it hurt so much haha. So more scans came and went and we got to watch our daughter grow every 2 weeks. Though we did have 1 more visit to the hospital in Newcastle centre. The doctors did a 3d scan (though I think they’re called 4d and I can never figure out why). He stupidly left it on the monitor as he went out the room, so free snap from my phone later and we had the perfect image haha. At this point my wife is starting to panic a bit, we haven’t really had time to start on Lexi’s room yet. Its getting close to December and Lexi is due in March. I assured her things would be ready on time and I have plans in place. I don’t think she believed me but I genuinely did have plans. We were to move the furniture out that we currently had in the beginning of December (which did get done) then around the 2nd or 3rd week my mam was going to start on the decorating of the room and the new year would bring in all of her furniture we would need. Speaking of decorating we decided we were going to have a Lilo and Stitch themed room. For a few reasons, one, we love stitch, stitch is awesome, don’t be fooled into thinking otherwise. Secondly the message in that movie that “ohana means family, family means no-one gets left behind, or forgotten” is something we thought was a nice motto for our family. Decals were bought and ready to go on walls. Everything was coming along nicely.

Thursday December 15th 2016. This is a day I will never forget for the rest of my life. It started out as any normal day would with the exception that my wife had a routine midwife appointment. I did my usual, get ready, kiss my wife goodbye and go to work routine. I was sat at work when I received an email at around 12:00. “I need you to come pick me up, somethings wrong with Lexi”. Okay, I was nervous. I left work and went to collect my wife who was waiting in the doctors surgery. During this time I had tried to contact my mam to let her know what was going on. No answer, sometimes getting in touch with the pope is easier than getting in touch with my mam haha. But I got to my wife, she gets in the car and tells me that her midwife cant find Lexi’s heartbeat on the doppler device. I wave this off immediately thinking she is just being awkward like her dad. My mam calls me back and we tell her the news, she is exactly the same, waves it off, she will be fine, of course she will.

I drop my wife off at the door and I go park the car. On the way in I smoke a cigarette, I have plenty of time. I go to the ward my wife is meant to be on. As I walk in…. the only word I can use to describe this next feeling is, Fuck. The ward is quiet apart from 1 voice. That 1 voice is screaming and crying and is a noise I will never get out of my head for the rest of my life. The other thing that was very distinguished about this voice is I recognised it. I knew immediately who it was. It was my wife. I walked to the reception head down asking for her, they sent me to another desk, I asked again for my wife, they sent me back to the original desk. It’s at this point I see someone I missed earlier, a nurse. I ask again for my wife. She has that look in her eye and I know what she is going to tell me. Her words were “are you Neil?” I say “yes” she is just about to go onto the whole I’m sorry I have bad news speech and I had to cut her off “I’m not stupid” I said “I can hear my wife screaming, my daughter is dead, where is she?” I was taken into a room where my wife is sat (thankfully with my sister who seen her come in) we all just embraced for a few minutes while things were confirmed 100%.

The next part of the day is all a bit of a blur. There are things I remember, things I try not too remember and because of this the order of stuff is a bit all over the place. We were sat in the same room being told that the next steps were we need Rachael to take a tablet, this would start to dissolve the placenta and start the process of getting our daughter out. At this point were trying to phone families to explain what the hell is going on. Were clearly in shock, I managed to get in touch with my mam again (which is rare, see pope comment). This is one part I will never forget. I had to tell my mam that her only grandchild was dead. How do you do this. I was choking back tears and all I could mutter out was, “it’s bad news mam, she’s gone” Unable to comprehend she was replying “what do you mean? Who’s gone?”. I knew what I had to say, it was difficult, it took all of my strength but I got the words out “Lexi is dead”. Everything on the phone went silent. You could hear the tears forming from my mam as she was trying to comprehend what her son was saying to her. Through muttered crying my mam asks how and I cant give her an answer. She said she will meet us back at home and see us soon. Her hanging up breaking her heart will live with me for the rest of my life. During this time we are trying to get in touch with my in-laws, who for once, are harder to get a hold of than my mam. We finally get through and I cant answer much for this as I wasn’t on the phone, but they’re told, I know they’re upset and they make their way to the hospital.

We sit for what feels like an eternity as we are told what the next steps of our journey will be. We finally have the tablet, the 3 of us are sitting in a room of sadness, a room of tears and a room of disbelief. After a while my in-laws appear and provide some much needed comfort to us all. We explain what has gone on and what is happening next. During this time we get moved to another room to get our heads around and prepare for the next few days. We are told we will be send home and we will need to return on Saturday. My wife wants to drink but due to the tablet she cant. So we opt for smoking again instead (my wife had stopped when she was pregnant). All I remember at this point is pacing the floor, my in-laws asking if I am okay and drinking coffee. We finally gather the courage to leave the hospital. We all go to the shop and pick up some essentials. For us cigarettes, for my in laws, food to keep our strength up. We arrived at the house first followed quickly by both sets of parents. We sat, we cried and we had cups of tea and coffee (yes the British way to sort ANY problem is a good ole fashioned cuppa). We talked a lot and for a long time. Eventually everyone left and it was just us. As much as we probably didn’t know it but at the time this was just what we needed. We needed time as a couple and just as a couple to figure our own shit out. We decided we would buy Lexi a star so she would always be remembered.

The next day was a bit of a blur. We had to go shopping and return some items we had bought (bottles etc) and also buy the kind of items women need when they are to give birth. On a side note with that, there are few places you can go to collect these supplies, if by chance you are reading this and working in one of these type of shops, please move it away from the baby aisle. Yes this is great for someone who is due to give birth to a healthy and alive child, to someone who has been told their child has died and is going to have a stillbirth, not so much. One of the things I remember about this day was trying to hold back tears in public. It’s strange as a male, were not meant to cry. Even when going through the worst pain imaginable all I could think was don’t let anyone see you cry. Also I was thankful that my mam was free that day to drive us around. The lack of food and lack of sleep since the day prior would have made driving a difficult and stupid task. I think to my mam she saw this as a small thing, but she will never know how much we needed this and how thankful we were. Another foodless day and sleepless night followed. The next day was hospital day.

So the big day is here, we get Rachael packed up take a few supplies, pop to the shop on the way and pick up some cigarettes, just enough for the day as we suspect we will be home in a few hours. Boy were we wrong. We arrived at the hospital at around 11:50 am, we stand outside taking everything in and before we go in, we have a quick smoke. We can see other people judging us, and we understand it, were pregnant and smoking. The only difference is smoking cant harm our baby, nothing can anymore. We go to the birthing suite and settle in to our room which in this hospital is known as “the Willow Room”. Our main midwife comes in and introduces herself. Her name is Jenny. She is a specialist bereavement midwife who deals with these sort of cases (actually if you google Jenny you will also see she has won awards for this, she really is amazing). She explained the procedure we would have to go through to get Rachael induced and to get Lexi out. The plan was every 4 hours she would have to have a tablet inserted into her cervix to basically force labour. After putting our minds at rest about our own worries and everything else she left the room for us to settle in. The willow room in the hospital is very different to other birthing suites, We had tea and coffee facilities, a sofa that turned into a double bed and the room was generally quite a bit bigger. There was also a book and a box with a camera in for us to take pictures with when our angel arrived. We looked at the book and it was stories of everyone who had been in the willow room prior to us. It was a deeply harrowing experience to read other people’s stories about their loved ones who were taken away so soon, but at the same time, it was comforting to know we weren’t alone, again more tears were shed.

It was around 2pm when Jenny came back to our room and we got things started. I remember asking Rachael how it was with the tablet and she kept a brave face and said as much as it was uncomfortable going in it was okay and she was fine. So we settled in to what would be our home for the next while. We chatted between each other and with the midwives when they appeared, went for a few cigarettes, watched tele, played on our phones etc, just like you would do normally. I really liked this room. It became our own personal bubble. The day turned to night and Rachael had already had another tablet. Nothing was moving, In all honesty, we expected to be home by now. We thought this would be a very quick procedure, induced couple of tablets and boom Lexi would be out. I remember phoning my mam saying things were taking longer than expected and I needed some things brought to us like food and more cigs. My mam being the gem that she is was down immediately with a bag full of goodies to snack on and more cigs to keep us going. She didn’t stay for long but we were grateful for the company. Another thing about being in the Willow Room, you get whatever you want. As most of you will know, hospitals have set visiting hours, not in the Willow Room. We could have visitors at any time we wanted, if there was stuff we wanted we only need ask (I even got meals brought to me and this hospital food was nice man). The other difference was a very subtle one, our room had a blue butterfly sticker on the door. The butterfly system is a great idea and again I recommend you look into it if you are curious.

One thing that made us quite popular with the midwives was our box of heroes, every time someone came in chocolate was offered. It was a small way to show the midwives how much we appreciated the care they had given us so far. So the night passed again being woken up every 4 hours for a tablet. Rachael was getting quite uncomfortable now which is understandable. Basically, the tablet would dissolve around her cervix and every time a new one was added it would feel gritty. It was one of those helpless moments where there was nothing I could do but hold her hand, tell her how amazing she was and how proud I was of her. Another slight tangent here, because we were on the birthing suite quite often during the night we would hear other women come into the other rooms, scream and then hear the baby cry. As you can imagine this was quite distressing but thankfully we had the TV to drown this out. Plus midwives would always come in and check on us make sure we were okay. Also it was during this time me and Rachael decided that when we have our rainbow baby, we don’t want a big deal made of it in the hospital, which means no balloons or anything substantial brought in while we are there. This can be saved until we are home. The amount of distress this caused to both me and the wife when we were going outside or for a walk just made us decide that’s how it will be. We don’t want to put other angel parents through that.

Sunday came around and still no movement. It got to 2pm and we were told that Rachael now gets a 24 hour break from the tablets, this came as great news to us, finally she could relax and maybe sleep without being woken through the night. We were introduced to some new midwives along the way, we met Anne who was a bubbly Scottish girl and who in the evening just sat and cried with us and tried her best to get us smiling again. She was very much like a mother figure and was a very open and honest person. She was amazing at comforting us and was there for us during our time of need without being in the way. We also met Judy. Now Judy was a funny one. I wasn’t sure about her at first she seems a little less friendly than Anne and Jenny but again maybe I was tired. Turns out, that’s all it was. After a late night cigarette the wife got slightly triggered again by people taking their healthy babies home. We got back to our room and she just broke down and cried in my arms. Judy clearly saw something was wrong and joined us. She was so kind and understanding and we sat talking for what must have been an hour. Showing pictures of our pets and family pets and discussing their personalities etc it really was a welcomed distraction.

Monday morning rolled around and still no Lexi. We knew that the tablets would be starting again soon so we made the most of our morning. Take a bit longer in the shower than normal and just generally have a bit of a relax before the afternoon rolled around. 2pm quickly struck us though and Rachael was prepped for another tablet. It was still painful but we tried to make light of the situation (Rachael at one point offering me to get my prostate checked, at the snap of the glove I politely declined). By this time we had another visit off mam to bring us more goodies and more cigs and a bit more general conversation. During this time I was keeping the rest of the family updated via text or Facebook Messenger so they knew what was going on. Because of how far my in laws lived we didn’t want to make them do such a long journey when my mam was closer, even though I know they would if we needed them too. It got to Monday night and there was still no movement. Rachaels cervix hadn’t changed and Lexi showed no signs of appearing any time soon. It was December 19th and we feared we would still be here on Christmas Day.

Tuesday December 20th. Rachael had been on tablets all day Monday and nothing was moving. She got a tablet at around 2-3am and she was in pain. The tablets really had taken their toll on her, I have never felt so helpless. Rachael finally opted to take some gas and air to help with her pain. I folder up my bed and sat with her to keep her company and try to help with her pain. Judy was our midwife again and she would periodically come to check on us. As the hours went on Rachael’s pain got more and more severe. She went to the toilet and something unplugged (im not sure on the terminology here, I probably should be but im not). I was told to tell Judy about what had happened. This was at about 5am. Judy came back and checked on her, things were moving along now and very quickly. We were told we could have dihydromorphine when labour started to help with the pain. Judy told me to let her know when things moved along again and she would go get this for her. It got to approximately 5:10 am and at that point Rachaels waters broke, This was again one of those things I’d never forget. Normally when waters break (from what I’m aware) this should all be clear liquid. This was not the case with us. When Rachael’s water broke it was red, it was a lot of blood. This was the sign of things happening. I’m not going to lie people, I panicked. I needed to find the call button as there was no midwife I could see. I followed the chord but couldn’t see the button, it was in the cupboard but my brain could not comprehend it. All I knew is I couldn’t see it. Finally when I wracked my head to being able to open the cupboard door I pressed the button, Judy was there immediately. Turns out we didn’t have time for the dihydromorphine, Lexi was coming and she was coming fast.

The birth was a standard birth apart from Lexi coming out butt first. I held Rachael’s hand as she pushed and she delivered Lexi on only gas and air, she did so well. It was weird as much as there was people in the room once Rachael stopped pushing a Lexi was out there was a silence, the crying you expect to hear and pray to hear wasn’t there. I remember for about a good 20 minutes I just sat there, looking out the window crying. I couldn’t look at Lexi and I couldn’t look at anyone else, although I did look while they gave my wife a huge injection in her leg to flush the placenta and being amazed that she didn’t feel it. We did have a laugh about that later. Once the midwives had finished up with Rachael I finally got the courage to look at her. Wow she was beautiful, I know everyone says their child is beautiful but she really was. Perfect little nose, eyes were kind of open so we could tell she had brown eyes, unfortunately she had my nose and not Rachaels and she had little wisps of brown hair. She was born at 5:18 am and when she was weighed she was 2lb 9oz. Judy stayed with us for a while and helped us to bathe Lexi, She asked if I wanted to do it but I didn’t have the strength. We got plenty of photo’s though and got her wrapped up in a towel. Next some clothes were brought in as she was too small for the clothes we had for her. She was wrapped in a little pink blanket and we finally got to hold our angel. Rachael had first hold, as she should I might add. You could see the pain in her eyes as she stared at our first born child. Tears were strolling down her cheek and she could not stop apologising even though she was not at fault. Lots of cuddles and kisses later it was my turn. Dear reader I have a confession to make here, holding a child has always been a huge fear of mine, what if I drop her, what if I don’t hold her right what if I make her uncomfortable etc etc. But I sat down and took her into my arms, it felt so natural. I have never felt such a surge of love and sadness at the same time before in my life. I just broke down. Here she was, my precious little daughter in my arms, I was finally a dad. The only difference is I couldn’t take my daughter home. We took lots of pictures and let our parents know Lexi was finally here and arranged their visiting times.

The first person to arrive was my Auntie, now you may recall I mentioned her earlier in the story, she was the prefer dogs to kids lady. She sat down with Lexi, had a bit of a hold and got lots of photo’s taken. You could see the pain in her eyes, this is not what we expected and I don’t think she expected it either. You could see the bond form between them instantly. We still joke to this day about how I would have understood more if it was our puppy who died. It just shows how much of a big heart my auntie has and she still to this day will cry when Lexi is mentioned. I know that if she had survived they would have been inseparable. We left my auntie babysitting while we went for our first smoke of the day. Later was time for my in laws to arrive, they brought us some McDonalds as a bit of a snack to get some other food in us which was greatly appreciated. Again more cuddles were had and more photo’s taken. My mam and Steve (her partner) followed. I was again surprised by the reaction of Steve. Bit of background here (ie another tangent). So, my mum had only recently got together with Steve earlier in the year. He had known us less than a year when Lexi was born. I will always remember when he walked into the room he just burst into tears. He came over and got himself some cuddles too and we made sure to get photo’s so he could keep that memory alive forever. Something like this I believe shows true character and his reaction to Lexi well and truly cemented my opinion of Steve as being a genuinely nice guy with a heart of gold. More photo’s later and lots of discussion (it was a noisy room at this point) Rachael’s sister walked in. Unfortunately it did get to the point where Lexi was becoming to deteriorated to hold anymore and needed to stay in her cold cot. Vic (Rachaels sister) did manage to give her a kiss and old onto her hand for a while so she did get some bonding time. A Little about Victoria, (again another tangent). Ever since I have known Vic she has always been strong willed and strong minded and VERY strong emotionally. She rarely shows when she is upset unless it really gets to her, she is a proud person and has every right to be and its an honour to be able to call her my sister in law. She can hold people together when needed and be that support that you want without being condescending toward you.

The reason I mention above is due to what happened when Vic walked in the room. She came in all happy and hey everyone being bubbly as normal. Went to Lexi’s cold cot, took one look and immediately turned away to try to hide the fact she was crying. She was clearly too late cos I saw her and went to give her a hug. So we all just kind of chilled in this room and eventually we got notice that the bereavement officer was here to see us. Her name was Kara. We took this as a sign for everyone to leave (apart from Vic, we wanted her to stay as she hadn’t been long, she waited outside for us to finish up with this next part). Kara introduced herself as the person no one ever wants to meet. We made a joke about this and complimented how lovely she actually was and we would happily speak to her again, just preferably under better circumstances. We got through the paperwork that was needed and immediately afterwards the registry officer was here. Another while of getting all of her details registered. She didn’t get a birth or death certificate, she got a certification of stillbirth. This means she will still have a record of life in a way and will still be acknowledged. What did get a bit creepy was towards the end of the registration, the lady doing this kept looking at us funny all throughout the process. It got to the end and she asked, are you married? We said yes, she asked when we got married and where. We told her and the penny dropped. The lady registering the death of our daughter registered our marriage. It was a nice but shocking revelation. Eventually everyone left and we spent some time Me, Rachael, Vic, and Lexi. More bonding later it was time for Vic to go.

We sat for a while just the 3 of us now, s a few nurses we spoke to throughout the time came in to see her and tell us how beautiful she was and offer hugs and support. Finally it hit around 5:30 pm and we decided for Lexi’s sake, it was time to say goodbye. She was deteriorating quickly and we didn’t want her to anymore. We also met another bereavement midwife called Nira. We told her it was time for Lexi to go. We put her teddy in her basket and sent her on her way re-assured we could get her back any time we wanted. We decided we would stay another night in our little hospital bubble. My mam brought us more McDonalds, a meal this time though and we all sat and chatted for a bit. We fell asleep ready to depart in the morning.

We awoke around 8:15 am after a rough night sleep, we decided to quickly go for a smoke before getting ready to go. On our way we passed Kara again who advised she had a little present for us but was nervous about giving it because of our stance on religion (we’re both atheist). We were absolutely gobsmacked that someone had thought of us who we barely knew and told her not to worry and to pop up and see us when she is free. We finished our cigarettes, went upstairs and had some toast and started to pack. Kara turned up and presented us with this little Christmas decoration of an Angel with Lexi’s name on it. It was beautiful and we thanked her profusely. We were later told that Kara never does this, she was just so touched by us and our story she couldn’t resist. We have spoke to Kara since and she really is an awesome lady. We finally went home and prepared for what would be a very strange Christmas.

I will skip over Christmas because I am sure you can guess how it was. Lots of tears, lots of alcohol and lots of what ifs. Its to be expected.

I will skip to just before new year. We finally got notice that Lexi’s body had been released after post mortem. We will be made aware when she is in the chapel of rest ready for us to go visit her and finish off the rest of the funeral arrangements. Actually (I swear I make a lot of tangents) on a side note. This again goes to show how amazing the hospital was. Once we got everything sorted we were also advised that Lexi’s funeral would be paid for by the NHS/hospital trust. This was a HUGE weight off our minds. Not a single expense was spared, we got cars, the chapel of rest, coffin all made for to our specification. All we needed to pay for was flowers. The funeral was organised by the co-op and I must admit, they were brilliant from start to finish. I will discuss the funeral more in the next section.

So once we found out Lexi was available to be visited again we got everyone who wanted too together and we went to see her. I went in first to make sure she hadn’t deteriorated too much. She was still perfect. Her teddy was still sat with her protecting her and making sure she was not alone. We organised songs with the directors and the priest guy who was going to do the service. We ordered flowers and everything was set for the day.

It was a cold morning, the wind was blowing and the air felt very crisp. The flowers were delivered, the family was here. All we were waiting for now was Lexi. We got in the car, the coffin was not on show, and took the small drive to the crematorium. We had come to the decision that I was to carry her down the aisle. That’s all I could think about on the way. How can I do this? Am I strong enough? Am I going to break down? Am I going to drop her? Etc etc. We pulled in and everyone was inside the building due to the weather though a small smattering of people waited outside. One of those people was a friend of my grandmother. She was stood right where the first car stopped. I am so thankful for this as seeing her was like seeing my gran and that gave me the strength to do what I had to do. I walked over gave her a big hug and thanked her for coming. Immediately turned to the right and picked up my daughters baby pink coffin. There is a saying, “the smallest boxes are the heaviest”. Never before has that felt so true. I walked my daughter down the aisle for what would be the only and last time as precious child played in the background. I somehow held it together. The service was the same as any other, slightly less religious for us but it was still beautiful. I don’t know if there is such a thing as a perfect funeral, but if so, this was it.

I guess the last thing to mention story wise was getting post mortem results. It was found to be that Lexi had the Varix which was an issue and also had a Whartons Jelly Deficiency. Basically this means her cord wasn’t protected. Both of these conditions are very rare and we know that we will not get these again. But for now, we work on our rainbow baby and doing things for baby loss charities.

If you have read this far thank you. More will be coming soon on the life of an angel parent.

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