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minniepetals · 1 year

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Hello I hope this does not come off as rude or overly harsh which unsolicited criticism often tends to be but there are just a few pet peeves I have with cmar.

Y/N has literally been hurt by so many people which is kind of odd considering she is "pretty" and the daughter of a mafia leader tho one who doesn't care about her. Still there is no way it wouldn't have given her privilege even if it was hidden that she was her daughter ppl definitely will be hesitant to hurt to hurt her.

Also the reasons why she hates these people are all the same that they hurt her and/or harrassed her which is fine but it gets so repetitive.

Also earlier in the story its very unbelievable how a sweet girl like yn so insecure of her emotions would end up as this weird emo like no emotions gal. Like ik the whole point is that she has been hurt so much that she became this way but even when oneself is trying to survive by blocking out emotions they preserve a bit of their past selves not intentionally but just naturally. I just feel that yn is so bland now, the "oh i don't show emotions unless I am having a mental breakdown" just seems overplayed because if she is having so many panic attacks on the regular she is DEFINITELY an emotional person and one who shows it too since she's kinda bad at hiding them from anyone who looks at all more than 2 sec at her.

The healing arc should definitely be here yet cuz yn is not dumb and since pointless revenge is not giving her peace she should try something else? Like it honestly feels like Tumblr teens who post edgy things about mental illness but don't wanna heal from it cuz that's their only personality trait.

Again, I did thoroughly enjoy the first half of cmar and I send this with no ill intent. I just wonder if you can elaborate a bit of your thought process for the above so that I can read the rest of the chapters without being annoyed by these things.

first of all, thanks for your input because obviously i'm not the greatest writer out there and getting to know this part of my writing helps me out a lot! and of course, i can definitely walk you through my thought process without spoiling too much. it's gonna be long so i'll leave it under the cut

the thing with being pretty in this context, and it's kinda a theme with the mafia world in cmar, is that the pretty ones (i say pretty ones because seokjin and jimin are also considered pretty and went through some similar harassment) are taken advantage of by their beauty. like attracting creepy old men for example and sure there's that privilege of turning people over to your side but that comes with the issue of trusting whether their intentions are good or not -- and y/n is always on the edge. she also hates the spotlight and attention and only uses her pretty privilege to an advantage if she needs to for a mission. not to mention the men in the mafia world are pretty much psychopaths who gets upset easily. you can only do so much with a pretty face. a pretty face may attract easily but being pretty isn't the reason people stay with you or will always take your side. and at the end of the day, these men live off power and control.

y/n hates a lot of people but the whole thing with her revenge arc isn't her going after people that have only harassed her. her first man was her father and you know the story with that. the second was daejung, who had kidnapped her when she was only fourteen and that traumatized her. jummy, though was abusive, wasn't her target, it was his brother ying, who trafficked children and the reason why she went after him was to save those children. leehyun was a predator who got her to fear the touch of men. nari wasn't even a part of the list because yeah she harassed y/n but that was all. y/n doesn't only care entirely about the people that only harassed her, it goes a little deeper than that. and now our next target is karl who (spoiler alert) is behind the reason to y/n's first and only reaper who died (aka nakyum), and the other ones i can't explain cuz they're not revealed yet lmao. but all in all, her hit list are individual people that have done her wrong through different reasons.

i guess it's fair for you to say that our y/n has gotten bland. that is of course your view and i can't change your perspective on her personality. it's a bit harder to explain since not a lot has been revealed about what went on during that mysterious ten year gap (with her shift of personality), but i guess a good reason i can give is the fact that most of the storytelling is in y/n's perspective, which means whatever she says or think may or may not actually be accurate information. aka her outtake on not wanting to be an emotional person but her actions contradicts her thoughts. like if you were to read things through mingyu's perspective, he'd definitely agree with you saying she's an emotional person because he's there to witness her breakdowns, etc. y/n on the other hand likes to pretend she doesn't care about anything and tries to shut her emotions off but, again, her actions contradicts her wants and beliefs. and the same goes with her emotional thoughts, her panicked thoughts, etc. for example on the inside, we can read through her thoughts and the things she's saying like when nari's guys went to touch her and she's internally panicking, along with when karl touched her. we can read her thoughts because, again, the story's mostly in her pov, but from an outsider's perspective, she looks calm and cool and aloof but you may or may not see or understand that because you, as readers, are deep into her thoughts so it's easy to understand her from within because we've gotten to know her a lot, but again, a lot of her panicked state (when in front of people she doesn't trust) occurs internally. jungkook and the boys have come to know and understand her a bit more so they can identify it better now but previously they only thought of her as an emotionless dickhead.

the healing arc is dragged on but i would say for good reason because, well, i guess there's some important points that i haven't touched on yet that i feel should be addressed before we head for her healing. there's this quote that two anons sent me that could sum up a good explanation to your criticism here and that's: "Sometimes we don't want to heal because the pain is the last link to what we've lost." as well as: "I am destroying myself so other people can't , and it's the worst kind of control, but it's the only form I know" and maybe this might not be a good enough explanation but i feel like when it comes to people who's dealt with lots of things, it's not easy to just "give up" on what they're doing and head to healing. it's easier said than done. i wouldn't say she's similar to an angsty teen but she's definitely immature in her own ways and that's partly because, in a way, she's still grappling with her lost childhood. her revenge is pointless, yes, and she knows it's not giving her the peace she wants but maybe she's hurting herself on purpose, maybe she can't just "heal" because hurt is all she's known her entire life, because it's the only thing she's used to.

idk if i've elaborated enough but that's a bit of my thought process. if i went on any longer, i'd probably accidentally spoil major stuff lmao and i think this is long enough oop- but i hope that even if none of this changes your mind, you can understand a bit of my perspective (as best as i tried to explain it haha) 💗

#anon #fics 🤍#cmar asks #cmar: critic #luna asks #cmar: gen

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littlecafe · 2 years

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asdfhakal okay yes hi HELLO it has been SO LONG ㅠㅜ I missed you and your playlists (*˙˘˙*)!♡

off topic and ik you didn't ask but the chokehold ONEWE and ONEUS has on me rn is no joke

actually I can lead this on topic, would love to see a playlist of your current faves!

hi!! omg yes it's been so long!! you took a hiatus for a while right? i missed seeing you on my dash (ෆ˙ᵕ˙ෆ)♡

ohhh i was thinking of making a playlist with just current favs so i'll do this and @ you in the post when it's up since it might take a few days, i'm currently in my "building a new listening to playlist" phase bc i'm tired of my old one rip

asfjhsdjfdsf no i totally get the music chokehold bc that's me too like sometimes i'll be super obsessed with like one or two artists and start listening to them on repeat

onewe and oneus aren't in my current music rotation but i do like quite a few of their songs!! i was really into onewe's single "memory: illusion" when it came out, all 3 songs on there *chef's kiss* and i'm going to derail this convo so hard but for some reason the mixing on that single!! it felt so clear (ramblings in read more, tl;dr go see ur fav kbands live if you can!! there is a reason why live band music sounds better bc i feel production aren't doing most of them justice)

idk if you're interested but i came across this the other day (i haven't even watched it yet lol) but someone subbed some parts of the naver now yoon sang's "music to you" kband bassist special cya was on (the other two bassists are lucy's wonsang and cnema's jeongho)

rambling because sometimes i just need to word vomit my thoughts, disclaimer i do not claim to know anything i'm talking about and everything is purely anecdotal

but anyways!! i honestly cannot tell you why i loved the mixing of that single so much, maybe it's mediocre mixing i wouldn't know but i just felt like i could actually HEAR things for once like it was crisp and actually had depth to the songs

usually in kband mixing a lot of the lower range instruments aren't loud enough on the track so you end up hearing a lot of vocals and guitar and some drum taps, every now and then bass but usually only if the song or part was meant to highlight bass....and the worse part of all this is that sometimes even the guitar is muddy which makes the song sound flat because you're missing those lows

like you know i love them and this just proves that "bad" production will never stop me if i like the song but the mixing on most of day6's songs were not very good......

an example (youtube links so the audio will not be top notch due to youtube compression but i think you can tell anyways): sweet chaos official audio vs sweet chaos live

already from the beginning you can tell the deeper sound from dowoon's drums aren't captured at all in the official audio like it's already muddied when that's the highlight of the opening it's literally just him and mtr how can u already mess this up

fast forward to the chorus, you can 100% hear youngk's bass sound better in the live than in the audio where you have to squint with your ears to even try to guess if you're hearing bass or just guitar under their vocals

in the live you can also clearly hear the difference in the two guitars when jae does lead and sungjin does rhythm, while it's all muddied together in the audio like if i'm being real, i can't even hear the lead guitar parts in the audio tbh like where did it go, in the live you can hear all the small tidbits and how he plays along to the melody line under the vocalist at parts in the chorus

same thing with the outro as the intro but this time with the bass, it's really buried and softened under the vocals on the official audio when you can clearly hear it in the live version (and as you should? because it's the only instrument being highlighted here other than vocals and some mtr)

also ftisland, for pure example purposes because from what i remember the mixing is actually great, don't search it up if it makes you uncomfortable knowing that j*nghoon has credits for lyrics and composition of this song (fuck him fr im glad ftisland disowned him publicly) but their song shadows (japanese release) was mixed by Josh Wilber who has led production for multiple metal bands so that audio actually came out GOOD

this song is pretty grungy, especially in the chorus but i felt like nothing got lost on the audio, the two guitars, the bass, the drums, obviously the vocals too it's all there it's like magic asjhfkdsf to me it sounds even more clear than their live albums (yes i know these go through a whole production too so it still will never top being there LIVE and hearing it as they play with your own ears)

ftisland's mixing is hit or miss but i don't mind it i just wanted to talk about that one specific song since it was mixed by someone who actually worked with heavy rock based music

so yea anyways the mixing for kbands can sometimes leave a lot to be desired and it makes me happy when i feel like i can hear more sounds i feel like production is so underrated since we know the lyricists, composers, arrangers but no noise for post production

i'm pretty sure that's why all of them sound infinitely better live like even without all the concert remixes and crowd hype they can be playing the damn song with no changes from the audio and it will sound better just because you can actually hear the instruments in their fullness

so this is a psa to go see ur favorite band playing live if you can!!

obviously mixing/post production applies to all music even if i'm only rambling about bands here asjhksdfds

#i've gone through 3 diff music phases within the past 2 months already it's bad but also i've accepted this is how i listen to music ajfsdf #as a superband enthusiast and jeongho poster i must also rec to you since cya is on there too #but also cnema literally left their entertainment like last week so idk if they're going to disband or....ha..ha..#this is a reminder to myself that wow i talk a lot for someone that does not know things #i will @ you in the playlist post!! hehe thank you for the ask!! c:#question

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swanqueensalad · 3 years

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I’ve been wondering if you have any HCs for Regina’s relationship with sex and intimacy after her marriage to Leopold? Like, how did she navigate relationships with people she wanted to trust, like Emma, afterwards?

hi anon! thanks for this (& sorry for leaving it sitting in my inbox for months while i was awol) - it's a really interesting ask.

i'm also gonna shamelessly self promote this fic i wrote which is a character study of regina focusing on her relationship to her sexuality.

before i get into my thoughts, i'll give a cw for discussion of rape, abuse and sexual content. this is going to be a long post, so find it under the cut.

so i think it's safe to say regina's marriage to leopold was deeply traumatic for a number of reasons. i talk in more detail about that here but the long and short of it is, she was a traumatised 18 year old sold into a marriage where she was raped and emotionally isolated by her grandfatherly husband all the while living with the girl who she blamed for daniel's death and for trapping her in this marriage, and being groomed by the literal dark one.

this was a very long, dark and formative period of her life, and as such it would definitely have long term effects, especially for her relationship to sex/intimacy

i'm gonna go out on a limb here and say leopold was probably her first. regina may have loved daniel but they were teenagers in a secret relationship, and regina was raised as a noblewoman by a power-hungry mother - they were not having sex. it's horrible, but we can assume that for years regina's only sexual experience was being raped by an old man she hated.

if cora had spoken to her about sex at all it would have been a very cold 'you can use this to get power' kind of thing i think, so i honestly doubt she ever would have thought sex could be good, let alone something she'd want.

ik this is specifically a swan queen ask but i hope you'll forgive me a necessary dragon queen interlude:

i think maleficent was the first person regina had sex with outside of her husband and for that reason, it's this relationship that actually dealt with the fallout of that in the biggest way. regina clearly had a huge crush on mal from the start and had glorified her into this inspirational beacon of hope and possibility for herself, and she was obviously pretty touch starved, but when mal started to actually act on their mutual attraction she was probably scared - she had never been with someone she liked before, never been with a woman, and mal was infinitely older and more powerful and regina had no idea what to expect.

it would have been obvious to mal how inexperienced regina was, and probably clear to her how the king was hurting her too, just by how regina flinched and reacted to touches and mentions of him. mal genuinely cared for regina at this point and wanted to show her how sex could be - so she was definitely very caring, taking it slow, repeatedly checking in and asking if regina was alright and if it felt good.

and yeah, the dragon queen sex was probably great because i mean look at mal - but regina would still be scared and confused by the whole thing, and until they got really comfortable with each other and she learned what she liked/didn't/how to be with mal, she'd still feel very vulnerable every time.

she loved it and she learned more and more, but there was a lot she still didn't know or understand, and she still had no idea sex with men could be good.

i think at this time sex was also a very dangerous game too considering, but gradually mal learns her triggers and how to navigate around them.

i headcanon that their deeper, more romantic connection faded as regina grew in power and became more obsessed with her revenge mission because she no longer had the time (and perhaps being with mal reminded her too much of the stupid little girl she was trying not to be anymore). but they still saw each other every now and again, and the sex was still super hot and great.

i think after she kills leopold and becomes the evil queen (good for her honestly) regina forces herself to become very desensitized to sex. she uses it because it's always been something people have wanted from her - now it's just another tool in her arsenal.

but at the same time she already has this really damaged attitude of it being normal for sex to be uncomfortable/painful/a chore, so she's going after what she wants and manipulating people, but she's also probably accidently damaging herself at the same time. but she puts herself through it. because despite one amazing affair with a dragon, regina still has no practical idea what is normal.

i can definitely see her still getting triggered and shoving her partner away during causal sex, or just 'powering through' because she doesn't want to feel 'weak' or like he still has power over her. but it's definitely a trauma she's never properly dealt with.

gradually of course, it gets better, but mostly just because she learns how to deal with it - learns what positions she can't be in, how to bring herself back to the present etc. and with graham it never happens at all because she's always in control so she assumes she's fine. she's not weak anymore. it's been years.

but the thing is (a few underwhelming times with robin aside) regina has not had sex with someone she genuinely deeply knows, trusts and cares about for a long time until emma.

with emma, regina can't hide behind her super-sexiness (which was, let's face it, only ever a defence mechanism and a tool for manipulation) and she doesn't want to, she wants every part of their relationship to be open, caring and real. she can be vulnerable with emma in every way.

and emma is incredibly sensitive to regina - she's aware of her and tiny changes in her mood all the time anyway, and in bed even more so because this relationship is also the most meaningful one she's ever had and she wants it to be perfect too.

i think emma would also have picked up on the fact regina has some issues here long before they speak about it. she's incredibly perceptive, especially with regina. she knew vaguely about regina's marriage to the king and she knows how to read between the lines.

so as their relationship begins to progress physically, emma is incredibly cautious - going super slow, always making sure to check in with regina and ask if she's okay, asking permission before she does anything new/different. she's really good at reading regina too and cooling off/slowing down when she can sense regina's uncomfortable or distracted.

(this makes regina overwhelmingly happy and grateful for emma, because nobody has ever been so considerate with her before)

i like to think that emma and regina are open enough with each other to have a conversation before regina ever gets triggered with her, but i do think emma's the one to bring it up because despite everything, it's still never occurred to regina that she can.

i imagine it coming up just after they've had sex and regina maybe spaced out for a moment, and emma casually just asks if that was okay. i thought you disappeared for a second there.

and regina is alarmed that emma's bringing it up but assures her it was amazing and kisses her, and she means it, but that response makes emma realise regina's probably never had the space or indeed non-enchanted-forest worldview to talk about this before

so she's like 'you know you can talk to me about anything, right?'

and regina understands what she's getting at and for the first time it doesn't make her feel weak or self loathing to admit that sometimes... during sex... i have bad memories

and emma just nods and holds space for her. and regina doesn't talk about it a lot, but she shares more than she has done with anyone before, and emma holds her and listens and asks what she can do.

she teaches regina some of the benefits of this world - understanding things like triggers and maybe introducing safewords if things ever get too much. and together they have a really long conversation setting up boundaries and hard limits. regina's are more specific and clearly triggering, but emma comes up with and shares a few of her own, stuff she doesn't like for whatever reason, to make her feel more comfortable and because she herself has never really thought about it before.

it's all super healthy and casual, and regina almost can't believe how easy it is. she cries a little after, more out of relief than anything.

with emma, sex is easy and fun and romantic and entirely about connection and love, but regina knows she can speak up/stop/change things if she needs to. eventually she does tell emma more about her past and everything she went through, and emma is always there to listen. she might not be able to go back in time and fight for her then, but regina feels entirely safe and happy with her now, and that's what matters.

#regina mills meta #dragon queen #emma swan #maleficent #ouat maleficent #regina x maleficent #regina x mal #sq #ouat meta #anti king leopold #regina mills #regina mills character study

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thedreadvampy · 4 years

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(just to clear it up, tho ik this is dumb but, the pan thing wasn’t intended to be provocatory, i just recently saw other things and lots of,, panphobia happening within the mechs fanbase and am trying to gauge how safe myself and any of my friends who are pan are within that fanbase, both online and in person. that’s all! im sorry for any weirdness or stress, I should’ve thought that through, things get weird online, not an excuse just— sorry)

I appreciate the apology/clarification. Hopefully this whole conversation has helped you make a decision about whether this is a space you feel safe. HOWEVER (and I know you know this which is why you've got back in touch) it would have been useful to have some context for that in the ask, and even with that context

I. Hm. I'm not sure how to put this without coming across as a bit of a dick? To me it feels like a lot to be, uhhh, value tested? effectively at random (I literally haven't been part of a single conversation about pan/bi IDs in the Mechs fandom that I can recall prior to this) in order to assess whether I met the standards you, somebody I do not know and may or may not have interacted with, have set (and I don't know what those standards are! there are, as I said, people from all over the Discourse Spectrum who would consider any given answer to that question hurtful/offensive!)

so while I appreciate that your intentions are good and self-protective and I am not trying to have a go at you, it's a bit chunk of emotional work to dump an extremely live, open-ended question on someone randomly (especially in an online climate where, as you say, people can be real weird and intense about stuff and giving the Wrong Answer to the wrong person can open you up to a lot of harassment). It invites a lot of anxiety (oh no have I said something to hurt someone? why has this been sent to me personally? what DO I think about this? what are the consequences if I have an answer you don't like, or an answer you might agree with but I phrase it poorly and dig myself in deeper? what effect will answering this ask have on other people following me - will they be hurt by what I say? if I don't answer will that be seen as evidence that I Can't Be Trusted?) and like...ok I DO have CPTSD and anxiety so I'm probably overthinking a bit more than you might reasonably have expected, but I do think it's a lot to put on someone to drag them into Discourse they aren't already involved in.

Also like this specific situation you're describing feels......hm...very impersonal? Like, I'm entirely willing to get drawn into Discourse about something I've Actually Done. like I didn't have FUN when I sparked White Jon Discourse but I don't resent it - it was a meaningful reaction to something I had said and not really thought about, and there was something for me to change in that. If I'd made a post that had made you think I might have an active issue with pan people, that would be one thing, but to ask me to pass a purity test because OTHER PEOPLE SOMEWHERE ELSE did something hurtful? That's not...about me? That's, not to put too fine a point on it, Not My Problem. This is where I'm concerned I come across as a dick, but honestly to me there's a really big gulf between "something I saw on your blog worried me so can you clarify your position" and "somebody somewhere is bigoted so I'm going to need you to prove you're not." Especially coming from an anonymous source with no context (and I do understand why you anonymised it! If you're worried about feeling safe then I totally get the need to do this in a way that doesn't come back to you!) there's a real responsibility gap - I am responsible for answering to you, a stranger, because of a situation I haven't (to my knowledge) been involved in? There's nothing for me to do, change, learn or gain in there, it's entirely about you testing me for reasons that have very little to do with me, and idk that sits really poorly with me. I would prefer that it had been about something careless I said that was harmful, because at least then I would have been able to do something about it. I WANT to be questioned and called up on things I assert or stuff I do. But I am NOT responsible for others' actions or opinions. I am sorry that you feel unsafe in the Mechs fandom, that's awful. But the reality is that I don't have any responsibility for your experience of The Mechs Fandom - I have responsibility for my own actions and opinions and nothing else, and if there's something in my actions or opinions, however small, pinging alarm bells then yeah, talk to me about it, ask me about it. But if it's a concern you have about the environment we're both moving through (I really don't engage much with fandom beyond what's on here) then like...we can talk about it but it's YOUR concern. I don't have any obligation to answer for it because it's not mine? Does that make sense? I don't mean to imply that you feeling safe isn't important, because it definitely is - it's just that when deciding who specifically is someone you feel safe around, the onus is on you. You're the person who knows what's harmful to you, you're the person who is being affected - asking for support, information or behaviour change is fine, but you're not entitled to demand that everyone around you actively accommodates you. When you come to somebody to change or to help support you, that's totally fair IF IT'S ABOUT THEM. If you messaged me and said "some of what you've been posting seems to tap into X ideas and there's been a lot of people in Mechs fandom throwing those ideas around lately, what's the deal there" then that would be fair enough and a lot less overwhelming than turning up in a random inbox to yell "QUICK WHAT'S YOUR STANCE ON PANSEXUALITY", you know? I still wouldn't be obligated to respond but I could reasonably be expected to connect it to things that are My Problem (how do I act in Mechs fandom? What opinions do my posts imply, and do I stand by that?) and make a decision about whether/how to respond. To me it's about working with vs imposing on.

Idk sorry this is a very long and emotional response, this kind of stuff taps into some emotional baggage for me via a vis taking on responsibility for the world and I'm working hard to establish boundaries in myself between My Problem and Other People's Problem, but really it's a bit dense and thinky so I'm sorry that this is a bit incoherent and comes across as a telling-off.

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seduceme-lovestruck-thearcana · 4 years

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OH @megatraven BEFORE I FORGET. I’ve been thinking of Alex all day (it’s been so stressful and it’s finally night-) and like...from your Medusa’s post I remembered Alex sang at their wedding...I think?? If not, I was still imagining them doing it and I was listening to, “If You Love Her,” when I thought of this and...maybe you can see where this is going....

MC gives them the mic and they sing a few songs and the last one is this song...and they look at MC during it and everyone in the room...but mainly MC...and she gives them a smile filled with affection, even if it’s not the same kind that they wish they could give her, and the kind they could receive in turn. But they love her and they know that if you love someone, you want them happy, and if them being happy means being with someone else? Then they accept that. They’re lucky to be in her life and still be one of her best friends.

They’re lucky to not get a dirty look with this song (from either of them) AND I REMEMBER MEDUSA SAYING, “It’s unlike for a child of Aphrodite to fall out of love,” OR SOMETHING SIMILAR?!?! AND THEY SING THIS SONG!! AND!! SHE REALIZES THAT NO...THEY STILL LOVE HER WITH THEIR WHOLE SOUL...and she just smiles at them too, even if it is filled with sympathy...idk what Medusa is like bht I imagine her in this to feel sympathy towards Alex because she knows what it’s like to love someone with their whole being...and she’s marrying the woman she loves with her being...that woman is now her wife...and that amazing woman will only be Alex’s best friend...and to imagine her (as in Medusa not Alex. It seems like I’m referring them here but I’m not, I’m just bad at transitions lol) not being able to love MC?? It hurts, so she feels sympathy towards them..LIKE IK ITS PROBABLY REALLY WRONG MEG (I haven’t played Medusa so my bad if I got her character wrong :’() BUT UGHHH...Alex singing that song to them, telling Medusa what she likes (even if she knows it), reminds her of how to treat MC, and is just singing about their love for her, without actually saying it.

GOD I LOVE THEM MEG AND UGHHHHH....ALEX DESERVES PEACE AND I WILL NEVER GET OVER HOW ALEX LOVES MC AND WILL POSSIBLY NEVER MOVE ON AND LOVE HER FROM AFAR (sorta bc they’re always in her life, even in Astraeus...oh god my emotions are getting riled again) BECAUSE ITS A BLESSING ON ITS OWN AND THEIR HEART WILL NEVER CHANGE...but my heart also imagines Alex maybe falling for someone because they’re so close to being MC, their heart falling for them a little bit...but no matter what...when they look at MC, their best friend, the love they truly love, they will never be completely happy...abd they can’t be with that person because it will never be her...and I still can’t get over how much they love her and I will never get over it because living forever?? Being so full of love?!? BUT NEVER BEING ABLE TO SHOW THE LOVE IN THE WAY THEY WANT TO?!?! HUH??? THAT MAKES MY HEART ACHE WHENEVER I TRULY THINK ABOUT IT...

And....this post wasn’t just meant for angst. I read you aren’t feeling so good mentally and I wanted to maybe cheer you up somehow!! Maybe?!?! I just know Alex fluff makes everyone feel better (well mostly or at least a little bit better) and I really want to help and hope you’re okay🥺💙💗💖.

ANYWAYS, I have multiple fluff ideas >:)). Okay so the first one is related to my Death Bed song AU, remember it?? The one where MC had a YouTube channel where she wrote songs and sung covers?? NOW IMAGINE...Alex showing up in some of her songs. Maybe they sing a solo for her channel, or they appear with her and sing a duet...maybe they’re an important part in her own songs she writes and the covers...and their voices fit together so well and it’s SO beautiful...I love the idea and I hope you do too...and MAYBE ONE OF THE SONGS IS IF YOU LOVE HER!!! IMAGINE!! JUST ANOTHER SONG MEANT TO REPRESENT THEIR LOVE FOR HER AND HNNNG-

Okay another idea is before they dated or even felt feelings (or realized it) and like...imagine MC being in high school and I remember it being canon and at least stated somewhere about MC and Alex being in high school for at least ONE year together. They were the cool and popular one and charming one, and she was the shy and nervous one, who was close with them but only waved at them slightly and gave a small smile when she passed them...and imagine her needing help...and she feels anxious she’s going to fail something or disappoint her mother so...who does she go to??

Her best friend, Alex. She goes to them and they meet at a library and it’s a sweet moment because she’s confused and they understand the topic (...mostly, but they wouldn’t admit it. They’re tryna seem cool) and help her. They praise her when she gets it right and it builds up her confidence a bit and they help her a lot with her fear of failing and telling her that she could never disappoint anyone and how she’s so amazing...and maybe whispering under their breath about how she could never disappoint them-

Another fluff idea is remember how MC has shorts that literally has their aura on it?? LIKE THE STAG AND DOE SYMBOL YOU KNOW?? IN THE FLIPPING PANCAKE CG?? I THINK SHE HAD THEM AND IF NOT...imagine her making them. There’s a rare chance she found them at some store, so imagine her making them with them. Or!! Making them on her own!! And surprising them being like, “look what I made :)” AND THEY FALL DEEPER FOR HER BECAUSE SHES SO CREATIVE AND SPENT TIME TO MAKE SOMETHING RELATED TO THEM AND ANOTHER WAY OF SHOWING HOW SHE LOVES THEM...

And another fluff idea is her playing with their aura, even before she knew she had Heras potential!! There is no convincing me that she didn’t see the stag and doe appear from time to time and she would always play with them or pat their heads, give them head scratches, maybe even talk to them (even if Alex is literally right there sometimes) and LIKE!! IMAGINE IF THEY WENT AWAY AND LET HER KEEP THE NECKLACE BECAUSE, like, I think Alex still has a lot of power even without their artifact?? NOT SURE BUT LIKEEEE...THEY COME OUT AND JUST HANG OUT WITH HER AND GIVE HER AFFECTION AND LIKE...IK THIS WAS A POST ON YOUR BLOG AND STILL!! ITS SO SWEET!!! AND!!!

When she gives them affection it makes Alexs heart feel so happy and fluttery and makes their emotions feel happy because THE AURA IS PART OF THEIR BEING SO...IF THEYRE HAPPY THEN ALEX IS HAPPY AND IT HELPS THEM FALL ASLEEP FROM FAR AWAY....god I love Alex so much😭💙. Love youuu and goodnight💙💖💕💕💕 and I hope you’re okay and take a break if you need one (like I said in an ask-). AnyWAYS YH ᴸᴼᵛᴱ ᵞᴼᵁ!!! ᴴᴱᴴᴱ ᵂᴱᴵᴿᴰ ᶠᴼᴺᵀ ᴶᵁˢᵀ ᶠᴼᴿ ᵞᴼᵁ. It’s midnight and posting it now bc oof I’m tired and stressed and need to get it out before I forget. And!! I’ll probably post the next chapter of Rose and Apollo tomorrow because I finished it awhile ago, but didn’t want to tag you in too many things :’))). So yeah I’m excited about this chapter too >:))). More foreshadowing of lore and I love it-

#my writing #friends talk #my friends are my power #friends are my power #Alex cyprin #Astoria fates kiss alex #Astoria fates kiss #ᴴᴱᴴᴱ ᵂᴱᴵᴿᴰ ᶠᴼᴺᵀ >:)))#anyways love youuu and I really hope you’re doing okay but take a break if you need one. And I hope some Alex angst and fluff made you feel #a bit better...but god Zeus is stuck in my head...and the way I just really want to tell the tale of Rose and Zeus (I’ll explain it when I’m #done with the whole story bc the final lifetime and lore literally has everything to do with the Zeus and Rose thing lol #BUT YH I love Rose and Apollo and Alex and Zeus and how they all deserve to be happy (I mean my Apollo-) and deserve to be happy with their #loves. In their own universe...I love them GODDDD SORRY IM RAMBLING-

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thosekhakis · 5 years

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Anastasia in Translation

Or: an in-depth analysis of English-Dutch translation shifts in Gleb’s lyrical lines in the stage musical Anastasia Okay, so this is a post literally no one needs except me, but I’m making it anyway. After seeing the Dutch staging of Anastasia I’ve been intrigued with some of the choices made in the translation of the lyrics, particularly when it comes to Gleb and the main conflict he deals with in this musical. René van Kooten certainly plays him differently from OBC incarnation I have seen. For example, the scene in which Anya and Gleb first met is played with considerably less silliness, even though Gleb’s ‘I’m here every day’ retains its desperation. Gleb seems (even) more serious in some ways, and I was wondering how much of that has been given in by translation, so here y’all are – an in-depth analysis of English-Dutch translation shifts in Gleb’s lyrical lines in the stage musical Anastasia. Before I start this, I want to say that I’m not doing this to criticise the translation made by Daniël Cohen – translating lyrics is a job I don’t envy and I think he did a wonderful job. I’m merely trying to see what was emphasised in translation and how this might have impacted the show as a whole. The reason I’m only looking at the lyrical translations is a simple point of access: I do not have access to the complete scrips for either the English-language or Dutch production, and will be using the cast recordings to compare the texts. Any songs that are not on the cast recording, such as Gleb’s short reprise of ‘Land of Yesterday’, will sadly not be included. Abbreviations used: ST = source text (OBC lyrics) TT = target text (Dutch translation) Lit. = literally Now, without further ado, I will start with the first song Gleb sings in. ‘The Neva Flows’ In this song, Gleb warns Anya of the danger of rumours and reveals his entire background story. Convenient, and very interesting in translation too. Be very careful of these rumors that prevail Be very careful what you say I was a boy who lived the truth behind the tale And no one got away I saw the children as the soldiers closed the gate The youngest daughter and her pride My father leaving on the night they met their fate His pistol by his side Wees heel voorzichtig met de dingen die je zegt Pas op voor ieder vals gerucht Ik was nog jong maar niemand is dat weet ik echt Die dag de dood ontvlucht Ik zag de kinderen, toen ging het hek op slot De jongste dochter zo kordaat Ik zag mijn vader als de beulsknecht van het lot Met zijn pistool paraat While the immediately noticeable shift is that the song doesn’t start with rumours (which do appear in the second line), perhaps the most interesting shift in the start of the song is the addition of ‘beulsknecht van het lot’ (lit. executioner of fate) in the TT when Gleb is talking of his father. Gleb is very clear on who his father was and what he has done, and a double play on ‘beulsknecht’ is introduced: he executed a family, as well as fate. Gleb clearly believes in the righteousness of his father’s actions here, as early as the first verse. The Neva flows A new wind blows And soon it will be spring The leaves unfold The tsar lies cold A revolution is a simple thing De Njeva stroomt Een volk dat droomt Van lente pril en rein De sneeuw die wijkt De tsaar bezwijkt Zo simpel kan een revolutie zijn The chorus also introduces Gleb’s feelings towards the revolution clearly. When the ‘new wind blows’, the TT speaks of the dreams of the people. The spring Gleb sings about is ‘pril en rein’ (lit. young and clean) in the TT. These small hints reveal, perhaps more than the ST, that Gleb is behind this revolution completely. I heard the shots I heard the screams But it’s the silence after I remember most The world stopped breathing And I was no longer a boy Ik hoorde schoten Ik hoorde schreeuwen Maar de stilte daarna klinkt nog steeds De wereld stokte En ik was niet langer een kind This verse is well-translated and continues the trend of strengthening the ST. Whereas OBC Gleb remembers the silence, Dutch Gleb poses that it still ‘klinkt’ (i.e. he can still physically hear it). Trauma much? My father shook his head and told me not to ask My mother said he died of shame But I believe he did a proud and vital task And in my father’s name Mijn vader weigerde te praten van die nacht Zijn schaamte dreef hem naar de dood Maar ik geloof dat hij iets nobels heeft volbracht En hou zijn naam nu groot Another small shift in this verse: Gleb doesn’t just act in his father’s name like in the ST, but ‘hou[dt] zijn naam groot’ (lit. keeps his name big), which once again emphasises Gleb’s adoration for his father. A shift which may not seem relevant at the first glance is the deletion of ‘My mother said [he died of shame]’. The TT reads ‘Zijn schaamte dreef hem naar de dood’ (lit. his shame drove him to death), which deleted the implication that Gleb only heard this from his mother and that it may not even be true. As Tumblr user december-dragon writes in this post, Stepan Vaganov was a historical executioner who was killed by peasants in 1918 for assisting in brutal acts committed by the Cheka. December-dragon proposes that this has left Gleb with two upbringings: a father who did in fact not regret his actions but insisted on the value of duty, and a mother who told him his father did in fact feel shame because she wants her son to have a moral compass. This line in the ST gives some more context to the duty vs. morality conflict in Gleb’s character, which is deleted in translation. Instead, the translation chooses to focus on Gleb’s father and in a sense makes him the sole motivation for his actions. This erases some of the nuance of the conflict between duty vs. morality found in Gleb’s character background. This verse is followed by the chorus, and while there is no difference in translation, a difference in performance is that Anya now starts to sing with him. Does she, too, believe in the revolution? Is Dutch Gleb so strong as to convince her? Could I have pulled the trigger if I had been told? Be careful what a dream may bring Revolution is a simple thing Had ik toen kunnen schieten toen men dat zei? Pas op niet elke droom is fijn Zo simpel kan een revolutie zijn The ST ends full circle: at the start Gleb warned Anya of rumours and what they may bring, and he ends on a warning for dreams (which she harbours due to those very rumours): previous dreams have led to a revolution, and if Anya dreams too much she might become a threat to the existing order, which will put her in harm’s way. In the ST, this idea is continued in the next scene: Gleb warns Anya as both friend and officer, and in ‘Still’ sings of his wish to protect her. In the TT, the translation breaks from what it has been doing so far. So far Gleb has only been supportive of the new Russia and of his father’s ideals. In the TT, however, Gleb sings that ‘niet elke droom is fijn’ (lit. not every dream is pleasant), in which he hints more clearly at the pain and suffering that the revolution has caused Russia and his family. Simultaneously, it could be read as Gleb dreaming about him being in his father’s footsteps. This display of awareness allows Gleb some more emotional depth and enforces the conflict latent in the ST. This Gleb is not (just) about protecting Anya, but shows some awareness of the horrors of revolution – despite his own certainty about their necessity. Dutch Gleb displays, perhaps, more emotional maturity in his train of thought than OBC Gleb, as will also be clear in the translation of the following song. ‘Still’ This song takes place right after Gleb knows that Anya has escaped from his clutches; he wonders about her motives and own role and feelings. In translation, some subtle shifts take place. An underhanded girl An act of desperation And to my consternation I let her go Een onbetrouwbaar wicht Ze zal haar vingers branden En ik heb tot mijn schande Haar laten gaan In the first verse, a few things immediately catch my attention. While in the ST Gleb calls Anya simply a girl, the TT contains the word ‘wicht’. In Dutch, this word can be used to denote a young girl, but has a negative meaning as well as sound: it’s commonly used to denote girls who are stubborn, stupid or annoying. The [x]-sound at the end of the song (like in Loch Ness) is common in Dutch, but does give the first sentence a harsh ending. This negative view of Anya continues in the next line. While the ST reads ‘An act of desperation’, which shows some of the understanding that Gleb might have for Anya’s situation, the Dutch text reads ‘Ze zal haar vingers branden’ (lit. she’ll burn her fingers), imagining a punishment for her behaviour. The imagery of Anya as purposefully deceiving vs. innocent poor girl is lost here. A last notable shift in this verse is Gleb’s English ‘consternation’ vs. his Dutch ‘schande’. In the ST Gleb is confused, shocked and perhaps annoyed by his own actions, while the Dutch ‘schande’ speaks clearly of shame. This hints perhaps at a deeper emotional maturity for the Dutch Gleb – he feels shame, but no confusion. She wants what she can get Is that a fair depiction Does she believe her fiction It’s hard to know De dingen die ze doet Gaan mijn verstand teboven Ze lijkt het te geloven Haar grootheidswaan The second verse knows a lot of shifts from the ST. In the ST Gleb muses on whether Anya is ‘pretending’ to be Anastasia, because if she can, why wouldn’t she? Then, he asks himself whether she actually believes it or not – he is unable to decide. In the TT Gleb speaks of ‘the things she does’ that he doesn’t understand, but says ‘ze lijkt het te geloven / haar grootheidswaan’ (lit. she seems to believe it / her delusions of grandeur). The TT poses some confusion towards Anya’s actions, but not her motives; Dutch Gleb is more certain that Anya believes that she is Anastasia. Again, some of Gleb’s confusion has gone missing. Is it innocence or guile? Or nothing but a childish act of will? She doesn’t know she needs you She willfully misleads you But still Still Is zij koppig of gedwee? Onschuldig of bedreven in bedrog? Ze ziet niet wie haar vriend is Ze liegt wat niet verdiend is Maar toch Toch The TT chorus then does strongly introduce Gleb’s conflict. Gleb considers the following options as Anya’s motivation: she is an innocent victim (innocence vs. onschuldig), she purposefully deceives him (guile / willfully misleads you vs. bedriven in bedrog / liegt wat niet verdiend is) or she actually believes she is Anastasia (childish act of will / koppig). One shift from the ST is the lack of emphasis on Gleb’s own role in all this. While Gleb’s ‘She doesn’t know she needs you’ clearly denotes his own longing to help Anya, the Dutch says ‘Ze ziet niet wie haar vriend is’ (lit. she doesn’t see who is her friend). While the implications are similar, this translation could easily mean that Anya has mistaken Dmitry and Vlad for friends – which would erase the focus on Gleb’s own feelings. A son becomes a man At his father’s knee If my father asked questions, well Where would we be? Een zoon die wordt een man Aan zijn vaders hand Zijn gehoorzaamheid Dat was geen angst maar verstand At it again with the daddy issues. The main shift in this verse is the inclusion of the line ‘Zijn gehoorzaamheid / Dat was geen angst maar verstand’ in the TT. While ‘gehoorzaamheid’ (lit. obedience) is also in the ST, the TT poses that his obedience was borne from rationality instead of fear. The idea of fear is not included in the ST and gives Dutch Gleb some well-earned emotion after all: while this Gleb is not fighting confusion, he seems to be combatting fear. She’s nothing but a child A waif who needs protection I feel a strange connection I can’t allow Zij is nog maar een kind Dat hunkert naar affectie Ik voel een soort connectie Is dat verkeerd? This verse has been translated rather literally, except for the sentence ‘a waif who needs protection’. While the ST focuses on the protection Gleb could offer Anya, the TT has Gleb say that she wants affection – and hints that he wants that too. Dutch Gleb is not a man who wants to just help and protect Anya, he is pretty certain of his feelings already: he wants to give her affection and he wants to receive hers. He wonders if he is wrong in the last line, but he doesn’t repress the feelings like OBC Gleb, who tells himself he can’t allow a connection at all. This once again gives Dutch Gleb some more emotional maturity. She said it’s all a game She trembles like a flower But in her there’s a power I see that now I’m nothing but a man With nothing but his orders to fulfill Al noemt ze het een spel En trilt ze ietwat tragisch Daarbinnen zit iets magisch Dat intrigeert Ik ben simpelweg een man Die handelt op bevel en wat dan nog? Like the previous TT verse, this verse gives Dutch Gleb more certainty about his feelings for Anya. While OBC Gleb talks of Anya’s power, Dutch Gleb speaks of the intriguing magic within her, willfully admitting that she intrigues him. Another hint at his certainty in his role is the addition of ‘en wat dan nog’ (lit. so what) to the fairly literal translation of the final lines. Whereas in the ST Gleb seems to pose himself as as man who is a slave of his orders, TT Gleb pronounces to the world that he is indeed that man, and tells the audience: so what? That is what I am, and that is what you’re getting. This again hints at more certainty and maturity in Gleb’s feelings. ‘I’m innocent!’ she cries But then you see her eyes Then something in them tells you that she absolutely lies Until your heart replies But still Still Still Ze smeekt je, 'laat me gaan!' Maar dan kijkt ze je aan Dan zij je in die ogen elke grove leugen staan Je hart gaat sneller slaan Maar toch Toch Toch The final verse is translated fairly literally, but includes one notable addition that once again confirms Gleb’s feelings. While in the ST he sings ‘until your heart replies’, which can refer to his romantic feelings about Anya but also to general feelings of compassion, the TT reads ‘Je hart gaat sneller slaan’ (lit. your heart begins to beat faster), which hints more clearly at Gleb’s romantic feelings. Throughout the translation of ‘Still’, Gleb gains more emotional surety and perhaps even maturity. He is more certain of who he is and what his feelings about Anya are, and his doubts are generally weakened. He doesn’t delude himself that he wants to protect her. He wants her. ‘Quartet at the Ballet’ Another obvious point to look for Gleb’s romantic feelings towards Anya is ‘Quartet at the Ballet’, in which he watches her from the balcony. She’s near at hand Yet here I stand My heart and mind at war The times must change The world must change And love is not what revolution’s for Ik zie haar daar En aarzel maar Mijn hart vecht met mijn brein De wereld splijt Een nieuwe tijd Ook liefde kan een revolutie zijn While the ST is in this case pretty clear about Gleb’s heart being in the game when it comes to Anya, he immediately proclaims that this can’t be his motivation: he supports the revolution, and love is not allowed to get in the way. In the TT, however, Gleb proclaims ‘Ook liefde kan een revolutie zijn’ (Love can be a revolution too), in which he reveals just how strongly he feels about Anya. Up until this point Dutch Gleb has always held to his own causes, and now he states that love might be a revolution, which can be read in multiple ways: love can be as strong as a revolution, love has caused a revolution in him, love is to him now equal to the revolution. It is impossible to pinpoint with which meaning the translator has chosen to change this line, but it is clear that this shifts the focus of Gleb’s motivations away from simple protection or morality, and places it very explicitly on his love for Anya. As seen before, this Gleb does not doubt his love. He is certain, and it is strong: perhaps love is part of the new world order. Someone holds her safe and warm Someone rescues her from the storm Simple things but one thing’s clear It’s fate that brought us here Iemand die haar veilig houdt Iemand die zij compleet vertrouwt Lijkt zo simpel maar let wel Het lot dat speelt een spel The verse that Gleb sings with Dmitry knows one relevant shift, namely that as before the focus on rescuing and saving is deleted as much as possible. The word ‘rescues’ is here replaced by the idea that Anya will find someone she trusts, which speaks more of a healthy relationship than a saviour complex. ‘The Neva Flows / Still’ (Reprise)’ For obvious reasons, the translation of this song bears much similarity to the translation of ‘The Neva Flows’ and ‘Still’. For the lyrical translations of those songs I concluded that Gleb portrays more certainty of his feelings for Anya, and in general more emotional maturity: he is aware of who he is and his doubt is smaller than in the ST. This trend is continued in the reprise. The children Their voices A man makes painful choices He does what’s necessary Anya Ik hoor ze Ze gillen Maar ik heb niets te willen Een man vervult zijn plichten Anya At the musical’s climactic point, Gleb sings about the children’s voices In the ST, Gleb keeps his lines rather passive: he talks of a man and painful choices, but doesn’t refer to himself. In the TT, the scene is made more personal. One of the first shifts is the addition of ‘ik hoor’ (lit. I hear) to the TT. Instead of merely referring to the children’s voices, Dutch Gleb sings more explicitly that he hears them and is still haunted by them (mirroring the haunting silence he sang of in ‘The Neva Flows’). Additionally, Gleb does not simply hear ‘voices’ in the TT, but hears them ‘gillen’ (lit. yell). OBC Gleb is haunted by the image of the children in general, perhaps screaming but perhaps simply playing as well. Dutch Gleb, however, specifically refers to the trauma that was done to the Romanovs and the screams. The aggression of the revolution is more clearly embedded into Gleb’s mind. The next line ‘A man makes painful choices’, continues the trend of making the lyrics more personal: Gleb sings not of ‘a man’ but again uses ‘ik’. In addition to the more personal nature of the Dutch line, the text is also subject to a shift that makes Gleb’s reliance on duty more obvious. In the ST Gleb speaks about ‘painful choices’, thus posing duty vs. morality as a choice that he has difficulty with. Dutch Gleb sings that he has ‘niets te willen’ (lit. nothing to want), meaning that the idea of a choice in itself is erased. Similarly, the word ‘necessary’ is translated as ‘plichten’ (lit. duties), making the reference to duty explicit. The struggle of duty vs. morality is once again weakened: Gleb knows his duty and will follow in his father’s footsteps. For Russia, my beauty What choice but simple duty We have a past to bury, Anya De keuze is simpel Voor Ruslands rode wimpel moet jouw verleden zwichten, Anya While in the lines above ‘duty’ itself is left untranslated, the Dutch translation also transfers the idea that if there even is a choice, the choice is simple, if not by shifting the more neutral ‘have’ to ‘moet’ (lit. must) in the last sentence. Another interesting shift is found when Gleb sings of Russia, which he calls ‘my beauty’ in the ST, while he sings of a ‘rode wimpel’ (lit. red flag) in the TT: in the TT, Gleb underlines not his personal connection to Russia itself, but his allegiance to the Bolshevist party line and the national interests. One of the most interesting translation shifts in the entire musical is found in the climax, when Gleb sings ‘Be careful what a dream may bring / A revolution is a simple thing’. This line was obviously also sung in ‘The Neva Flows’ and has already been translated as ‘Pas op niet elke droom is fijn’, as covered previously. At the end, however, the translator has elected to translate the line anew as ‘Veel dromen eindigen in pijn’ (lit. many dreams end in pain), making the warning Gleb gives Anya even more explicit, and emphasising the horror of what has happened and what he is about to do: moving against the revolution Gleb supports certainly brings pain, and Gleb is about to inflict it. Of course, Gleb’s seeming certainty does nothing to chance the ending of the musical. Gleb changes his mind, doesn’t finish the line ‘A revolution is a simple thing’ and falls to his knees before Anastasia. The manner in which Dutch Gleb unravels before her is perhaps more wondrous than it was for OBC Gleb: OBC Gleb has, as seen in the ST, always had glaring doubts and conflict, whereas Dutch Gleb seemed certain of his case, even if he knew about the tragic consequences his convictions could have. In his entire performance, René has seemed more collected than the OBC performance I have watched (and, all right, I’ll admit, I watched the bootleg. I’m a secondary school teacher and definitely cannot afford actual Broadway tickets, or a plane to the US. Either way, I’m not certain how representative for the entire OBC performance the boot I saw is). Whereas OBC Gleb immediately screams ‘And I am my father’s son’ back at Anya/Anastasia, Dutch Gleb is forceful and angry, but doesn’t quite scream and still leaves a moment to breathe between the lines. This Gleb again comes across as less emotional, less conflicted: why then, does he collapse so completely before her? And collapsing he does. Unlike in OBC Gleb, he doesn’t merely fall down on one knee, he collapses on both knees and decides to let Anya/Anastasia live. Even though the conflict between duty vs. morality was of course latent in the translation, it is perhaps more likely that this Gleb chooses not to shoot her out of love: he has portrayed his feelings for her rather certainly. The translation of the lyrics has shown that the duty vs. morality conflict was replaced to some extent by a conflict between duty vs. love. Dutch Gleb never doubted his duty, but also confidently sang about his affection of Anya. While the duty vs love conflict appears in the ST, OBC Gleb could be argued not to love Anya truly and suffer from a saviour complex. It’s harder to make such an argument for Dutch Gleb. Perhaps, then, Gleb’s revolution in this production is not morality, but indeed, as Dutch Gleb has sung, love.

#anastasia #anastasia broadway #anastasia musical #gleb vaganov #dmitry sudayev #translation #meta #musicals #ramin karimloo #rené van kooten #anastasia dutch #mymeta

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diaryofanormalkid · 5 years

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New crush at church...

So if y’all have or haven’t been keeping up with my posts about this guy, he’s new to our church and joined the youth choir. I’m really attracted to him and I wanna get to know him.

This past Friday, I went on out to choir practice and he happened to be there so you can imagine my excitement, especially when I was hoping he’d show.

One of the very first things that happened between us was he sat down in a chair literally so close to me. I was like “hollup, what is personal space to you?” But I lowkey liked it

I literally got up like a minute after that to go charge my phone bc I was so shook that he did that, I like couldn’t believe 😳 and then when I sat back down, I sat one seat further away

Idk, I hope it wasn’t awks and that nobody noticed! 😭 I’m sure he did, but nobody else. also I didn’t tell you, but for a while it was only like 4 of us there

And that made for such an intimate setting for me personally, because we were all talking and really connecting on a deeper level about praise and worship songs

Occasionally we were making eye contact and idk if I’m reading too hard into it, but I felt sparks. Like the eye contact was definitely consistent and healthy between us.

So that was good. I had to at one point hand over a bag of carrots bc we were sharing food with each other and he went “I don’t really eat carrots like that.”

It wasn’t my food, but I was just happy I could hand him the bag. When we started practicing, he was a lot more talkative and was suggesting lots of songs, it was nice!

It was interesting to hear him speak yesterday after not getting to all this time, he has an accent. I found it actually kind of hard to understand tbh.

That threw me all the way off bc I didn’t expect him to sound like that at all. But hearing him speak so much was totally cool. And eventually I got the privilege of finding out he knows Spanish.

So not that y’all would know, but I’ve been learning Spanish lately and when that topic came up? I was shocked! What are the odds? In my head I was thinking, he needs to teach me.

And then as if my friend who was there could read my mind, it was like she said exactly what I was thinking: “you are my new friend! You’re gonna help me learn Spanish.”

And like I felt so in sync with everyone who was surrounded by me right then. It was super crazy how the only people there were all interested in speaking Spanish and singing Spanish songs?

I’ve been very serious about learning Spanish at the moment so I’m hoping it comes in handy in the near future. We’ll just have to wait and see I guess.

Later as the night went on, we started to brainstorm song ideas and then eventually narrowed down on a few and began practicing them.

We for the most part sounded beautiful with our harmonies and I kept fooling around with going back and forth between parts to find the best sounds/harmonies.

Since we weren’t 100% sure of the melody, I kept playing around with the tenor note. At one point I recall him mumbling to his cousin who was already attending our church:

“Is she a tenor?” LOL it was definitely a loud enough question for everyone in the room to hear so I wondered why he hadn’t just asked me personally.

I wanted to answer him personally but we were in the middle of singing our next line for the song and I didn’t want to be more disruptive to our progress.

So the night consisted of a lot of laughter and beautiful singing between us. I caught some looks of him and tried to make sense of myself that I was finally into a guy.

As the night was coming to an end, we were closing out in prayer and we were standing fairly close to each other so I knew this meant I’d have to be holding his hand tonight.

Or so I thought! Literally right as we had touched the tips of each other’s hands, we began to separate to make room for two other people who were behind us.

To say I was devastasted would be an overreaction honestly. I was actually moreso relieved! However, I must add that it seemed he was just as eager as me to hold hands?

Which I thought was interesting! 😳 so we ended our prayer and everyone stayed back to chat a bit, he was lingering around me looking at a flyer that was being handed out.

I actually almost forgot, but he asked me “is this _____________?” On the flyer since we were talking about going out to support our fellow youth at a play.

He was standing right in front of me asking at that point, so I was the one to answer him yes. I felt a little special ngl, like maybe his position of standing was intentional.

So we were all kinda just taking our time leaving to go upstairs. Everyone was standing in around the same place for a minute or two and he was there with his cousin.

I felt like... a weird vibe like he was waiting to see my next move and keep up with me so he could get to sit with me. But I was trying my hardest not to pay him any mind.

Like I just wanted to see where that moment was gonna take us bc I felt as if he wanted to talk to me individually now and find out more about me but he wasn’t sure if it was a good time.

Anyways we all started to slowly walk upstairs to listen to the grief fellowship and discussion of our pastor’s passing. And I’d say that was the last of our interactions for the night?

Maybe, just maybe, he’ll be interested? I can never tell if they’re interested back. I want to believe he is bc I feel like I can always pick up on vibes heavily.

My first few encounters with running into him in the past, my mom actually confessed to me today that she had seen him looking in our direction at one point this past Sunday.

That gave me a lot of hope bc my mom and I were saying if he doesn’t reciprocate, then don’t be the chaser, just leave it alone. Especially since she admitted he looks like a Casanova.

Which I was a little upset about. Once she said that, it made me nervous bc Ik girls will have an eye on him and he is gonna be a hard one to lock down by just looks.

I’m not one to want to compete with other girls for a guy’s attention. It’s just not worth it and I don’t want/need that kind of drama in my life, so for this guy, he def has to like me more.

Which is why, moving forward, as much as I would like to get to know him, I think it’ll only have to be as a friend for now and from afar if I have to since I don’t wanna get hurt.

I think it’s in my best interest to just take things slow, observe how he tries to interact with me and analyze amongst my mom and friends. But most importantly, pray to God for guidance.

So far, the vibe is fine for me. I don’t get any nerve-wracking or anxious thoughts about him. When I was around him, he didn’t make me as nervous as I’d usually be in the past.

That made me feel good. However, I’m gonna keep checking in with my intuition and the vibes and my analysis’ making sure that I’m not rushing into/forcing him to try to like me.

It has to naturally happen and he has to reeeeally be attracted to me or I believe this will never work. So I’m gonna leave it in God’s hands, as easy as that may seem, it’ll be hard.

And my mom was also saying she thinks he could be younger than me by a little, so if that’s the case, I’m definitely gonna be cautious. I’m not really into younger guys, so I’m definitely concerned about that.

All the other times I’d seen him in the past, we’d share some glances of each other and I would always wonder if it was an “i’m-definitely-attracted-to-you” look or something less.

From here on, it’s just an observing and praying game and I’m gonna make sure I play it safe. Before I go on about this boy, lemme focus next on learning his name and age 😂

#another crush #crush #crushes #durham church crush #church crush#church #faith #godly man #godly relationships #relationships

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i-want-to-be-manhandled · 6 years

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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea.

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice.

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw, and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao). like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior

#kieran screams into the void #to t or not to t #that is the question #i think i should go on t after rereading this post #but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know #also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self #im here to provide the most quality entertainment #it took me 3 hours to type this

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gibbyj · 3 years

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goodnight and goodbye handsome

7.13.21 / 2:21 am

fuuuuuck i’m high!!’ turns out if you don’t smoke all day you get literally blasted. anyways hahaha, that’s not the point is it?

if you’ve gotten this far, i assume you’re reading this. honestly, i assume you’re reading this anyway. maybe not tonight, or tomorrow, but for some reason you’ll come. in a few days, you’ll visit my page.

here’s the thing, i know why i visit you. i’m in love with you. it’s really that simple. i tell people that, and i think that. deep down, i fear it may not be true. i’m terrified i’ve wasted years of my life craving a fling. and yet, deeper down, i’m drawn to you. i’m trapped in your fucking wave.

that’s a song you told me to listen to. do you remember why we broke up? hahahaha, i guess that’s a dumb question. in this world, everyone genuinely has their own truth. their own steps they’ve walked in this world to get to the version of themselves and their surroundings in their mind. [side note: that’s pretty fucking poetic right? i came up with that in 10 seconds high as a kite, please start writing again? i miss it, the world misses it. what happened to your notebook? ik you have ideas in there]

anybays, here’s my full version of why i genuinely believe you broke up with me. 1) you had a crush on her, and you were attracted to her 2) you were hurt bc i had been in texting him 3) we were fighting a lot 4) we had been getting bored 5) i was kinda petty and a bitch 6) i had been lying to you (and the world) for most of my life 7) i had been intentionally distancing myself and avoiding you 8) i’m SURE things i’m forgetting

i’m sure that’s incomplete, and perhaps incompatible with your version of events. i had also already broken up with you, that was a major factor. i used to point this out to our friends, and anyone who would listen to me, that you followed a similar path. when was the last time you were genuinely single, 14? 15? i don’t point that out to say that you weren’t able to grow, i’ve spent most of my grown life in love. but you always had someone lined up. you didn’t get rid of me until you had someone else to kiss.

i did that too, but i got bored. i really thought you would get bored. and i’m sorry, i wish i didn’t wish that. every part of me wants to have been able to let you go after i had written my first goodbye. but here’s the thing. you responded, quickly. and i’m sorry, im genuinely sorry for all of the times i reached out to you. im sorry for trying to add you on snapchat. im sorry for messaging you when i thought you were trying to talk to me. and im really, really, sorry for blacking out and texting you.

but here’s the, thing. you responded. you respond quickly. why do you check on me? seriously, why? sometimes i think, probably more like hope, you’re here bc i look good in my pictures, bc obviously that’s my intention. but why do you talk to me? and no, you dont. that’s really hard to explain to the people closest to me. no, we don’t talk, he like subtweets me? but i swear i’m not crazy. no really, they’re original posts, what else could they be?

and i dissect them, over and over again. i listen, i think about it, i picture you singing in your car, or smiling with your eyes closed. i think of you in your bed, thinking of me, and i don’t know why. because you don’t talk to me, you don’t seem to like me, and you don’t seem to be unhappy.

i drove past your house tonight. and in my FUCKING defense, it’s an alternative to my gd house, no one seems to understand that it’s literally like not a detour and i get home in the same amount of time. but i really don’t know why i do it. because i’m never happy. it’s never what i want. here’s what i want, i want you walking to your car, and seeing me drive past, i’d wave, slow down, and say hi. and finally ask for a goddamn explanation.

but that’s never going to happen. and i have to accept that. that’s never going to happen. i’m never going to rest my head in your neck, or hold your hand, or kiss you, or hug you, or laugh with you, or sing, or drive, or talk to you ever again. and that makes me so sad.

as i write that, i can feel the blood draining from my arms, and my stomach fell. i will probably go to sleep tonight, and even though i’ll distract myself with cormac mccarthy, i’ll be sad tonight.

my grandmom died on thanksgiving. i’m sure you don’t remember, but she was my best fucking friend. i’m not gonna talk about that, but i bring it up to say that if i’m being honest, my bones feel the same now as they did then.

we’re dead. the glimmer of me that believes in us, that picture going to concerts, seeing you drunk, dancing and laughing and singing and kissing and fucking and driving and watching movies and making jokes and living life together is gone. it’s dead. it has to be dead.

i went to barnes and noble today, and i looked for your car in the parking lot. i went to ocean city, and i scanned the top of the crown looking for your smile. and then i went to hammonton.

i got drinks with an ex tonight, don’t worry it wasn’t you. we have nothing in common, but he’s a good friend to me, and he’s really supportive and is always there for me, which tbh isn’t a common trait among my good friends. we talked, and it was pretty boring, but it was nice. and i asked him wtf you were doing. what it meant. why. if i should drive past your house.

he said no, i shouldn’t. he didn’t understand why i would choose to hurt myself that way. i showed him your page, and he chuckled a little. i dissect your feed, i visit you in the morning and the evening. every original post a message. a reaction or a plea in some way.

he told me i was crazy, which he isn’t wrong about. and the funny thing is, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. sometimes, i fear i’m just a joke. maybe you guys watch me together, listen to my songs and laugh at the desperation between the lyrics. but, i really don’t think that’s it. you’re better than that. you’re nice, people don’t know that, to be honest you don’t always show that, but you have such a pure heart. and i don’t think you’re that gross.

maybe i’m wrong, and gd if i am gg sis you really found your person. but i don’t think im talking to both of you. i really, really think im talking to you. sometimes, it really feels like im talking to you. like you’re next to me, if i close my eyes, i can almost feel your hands on me.

but, im not. you’re in that deer town, and im in the college court. we’re thirty miles, and three years apart from one another. we’ve grown and changed and flipped upside down from those kids hanging out at the voorhees mall.

and so im left to figure out by myself why you’re here. why despite you being far and happy, you come to haunt me. you know, most exes emotionally haunt their ex, not legitimately leave unnecessary and misleading breadcrumbs.

i have a whole slew of degrees now, so i’ve come to my best version of a guess: you’re filing your insurance card. and you know what? four hours ago, i really would have been okay with that. i would have dated and waited and dated and waited until you came crying back, because you were my person. you were my goddamn dream boy. and i couldn’t believe i had you.

i let you go so quickly. and goddamn julia you didn’t let anyone go. here’s what i realized: anyone can fight for anyone. if you wanted me as badly as i want you, you would be here. here, here. but you’re not. instead, she’s there.

and i finally realized, what’s the goddamn point? i don’t know if you realized bro but i’m literally a gd catch. also, tbh i’m a lady w 38ddds so i can laid truly anytime i need to. and more importantly, i’m funny. i’m nice. im kind and i’m compassionate and caring and giving and smart as hell and really fun to hang out with. im a great singer, and a really fun dancer. and guys realize that.

there are so. many. guys like you. and i don’t mean that to be rude, trust me i didn’t know that this morning. but there are funny guys out there. there are guys who will go crazy when i take my clothes off and call me when i’m sad, and they’ll be happy to do it. they’ll be excited to be with me, i won’t be a back up.

and so, i’m giving myself that opportunity. i’m letting myself let go of you, to bury you and us alongside the memories i’m grateful for. so thank you, for teaching me all of my favorite bands. for making me laugh, and holding me when i needed you to. for kissing me, for loving me, and for reminding me that even now, im still a little special.

but i’m not going to sit around and wait for you to react. im not going to check on your songs, or your liked posts, or drive past your goddamn house. im not going to obsess over what you’re trying to say, because if you wanted to say it, you would. you wouldn’t hide it in spongebob songs, you would just message me. you would say hi.

but you dont, and deep down, i know you wont. god, even now, i want this to turn you inward. but when it doesn’t, or if it does and you still want nothing to do with me, i’m not gonna cry. because i really, really, really believe i’m gonna be okay.

i hope you’re okay too. i really, really wish you nothing but the best in this world. whatever this world brings you, i hope it comes with happiness, the ability to find joy in any situation, laugh at the small things. i believe in you, i hope you learn to believe in yourself.

#with this goodbye i change my life

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nezumionice · 7 years

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HI I JUST GOT BACK FROM A STAR WARS EVENT AND IM ALREADY EXTRA EMOTIONAL BUT I WENT ON INSTAGRAM AND I SAW THIS

MY BRAIN CANT EVEN FUNCTION PROPERLY OKAY THIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE SO HERE ARE SOME THOUGHTS THAT CAREERED THROUGH MY MIND AS I WAS SCREAMING LIKE A MANIAC: (BEWARE OF LONG, INSANELY MESSY RANT POST UNDER THE CUT. AGAIN. FORGIVE ME. I AM VERY VERY TIRED. it’s been a long day.)

- i took quite a while trying to find tina because i couldn’t spot her iconic hairstyle and then i finally found her and i was like oh my GOD she looks like hope van dyne from ant man with those bangs but SHE LOOKS SO ADORABLE ANYWAYS OHMY TGWFHDGASJDHOW

- whY IS IT SO DARK LIkE EVERYONE IS IN DARk CLOTHES EVEN QUEENIE AND THIS SCARES THE SHIT OUT OF ME

- newt looks exactly the same as when we last saw him and i love it

- okay guys seriously can we appreciate tina and queenie wearing BLACK

- queenie’s hair is the bomb.com

- LOOKS LIKE WE’RE GETTING LETA X THESEUS AFTER ALL FOLKS

- IT TOOK ME A FULL MINUTE TO FIND CREDENCE IN THE CROWD BECAUSE DAMN BOI HE LOOKIN GUD

- again, holy shit THE THEME COLOURS OF THIS MOVIE IS KILLING ME I LOVE IT SO DAMN MUCH ASDFGHJKL

- who the fuck is beside credence and half hugging him because i feel like im going to end up shipping them really hard by the end of the movie

- I LOVE HOW EVERYONE IS ARRANGED HERE IT’S PRESUMABLE ACCORDING TO LOVE INTERESTS BECAUSE JAKWEENIE, (HOLY FUCKING SHIT IM SO EXCITED FOR) NEWTINA, AND THE WAY LETA AND THESEUS ARE POSITIONED LOOKS LIKE THEY’RE PRETTY CLOSE

- AND GELLERT AND ALBUS ARE LIKE OPPOSITE EACH OTHER SO IM ASSUMING THAT SYMBOLISES THEYRE BROKEN, DISTANT RELATIONSHIP HOLY FUCK

- thank god leta is pretty far away from newt

- actually it’s so interesting that newt, tina and leta’s positions form a triangle and it symbolises a love triangle between the three of them, at least until theseus steps in

- ALSO THE TRIANGLE FORMED BETWEEN NEWT, TINA AND THESEUS IS ANOTHER LOVE TRIANGLE EYYYY THIS IS INTERESTING

- oh my god yall now i am ike 200% sure we’re getting a newtina kiss in this movie which is fucking brilliant because the sooner that happens, the sooner they get married and the more newtina content will be in store for us

- ok but i have to admit leta looks fucking amazing here like her hair and her dress are like WOWOOWOW

- credence looks so much better than we last saw him he’s dressed all fancy and shit

- gellert looks so goth and swag i cannot he might as well put on a pair of shades (he reminds me of punk eleven from stranger things s2 lol)

- albus looks so fucking done with everyone’s shit

- the way leta and theseus look at each other tho dammit i think i might end up shipping them too

- my god their actions also hint at their relationship status in the movie like for example, tina looks at newt and newt doesnt see this, but when she looks away, newt looks at her and SHE misses it; that probably means that they both love each other but they think the other doesnt feel the same fUCKING HELL THAT’S SO ADORABLE

- i think we’re going to get a lot of these kind of frustrating, “oh my god just say i love you already” moments between newtina in the movie and i dont think im physically or emotionally ready for that

- OKAY I REWATCHED THE CLIP AGAIN AND HOLY FUCKING SHIT I JUST NOTICED THAT TINA HAS DRAPED HERSELF PROTECTIVELY AROUND NEWT’S SUITCASE AND THAT IS OFFICIALLY THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING IVE EVER SEEN (I AM SURE NEWT WOULD AGREE)

- the physical contact between jacob and queenie could mean an already established romantic relationship between them and i am damn sure that it’s what we’ll be seeing in the movie

- so. many. romantic. relationships. i. cannot.

- i swear the way theyre dressed looks like they’re at a funeral and i still can’t get over the fact that queenie is in BLACK wtf

- OKAY BUT THE TRANSITION AND THE SMOKEY DEATHLY HALLOWS THO

- THE TITLE REVEAL HAD ME HOLLERING MY THROAT INSIDE OUT

- words cannot express how insanely excited i am for this movie

- i guess we just upgraded from “FBAWTFT” to “FBTCOG” (well, that’s not the brightest name, but i doubt it’s a very bright movie anyway)

- “fantastic beasts: the crimes of grindelwald”... my first thought about this is that we’re definitely going to see a shitload more badass tina on a literal witchhunt for grindelwald and his followers

- if grindelwald escapes prison, i wonder how he does it and maybe that ‘s how our heroes are brought together again??

- okay istg if tina gets hurt newt is gonna flip shit

- OKAY ISTG IF NEWT GETS HURT TINA IS GONNA CUT SOME BITCHES UP

- i had this idea some time ago that since grindelwald was trying to get credence on his side, what if he was hunting for obscurials to make an army of them so that he’d be feared through the wizarding world, since everyone is so terrified of obscurials

- WHAT IF HE ALREADY HAS A SECRET STASH OF THEM SOMEWHERE AND THAT’S HOW HE BREAKS OUT OF PRISON

- oh my god what if gellert was detained in azkaban? that would make sirius the first person to escape from there since grindelwald’s time

- YALL IF GRINDELWALD GETS TO CREDENCE AND LIKE TORTURES HIM OR USES THE IMPERIUS CURSE ON HIM TO MAKE HIM JOIN HIS ARMY BITCH ISTG I WILL STAB SOMEONE

- OMFG WHAT IF macusa knows that grindelwald has been gathering an army of obscurials, so tina and her fellow aurors were tasked to go on a mission to locate these obscurials first and protect them from his influence, AND ONE ONE MISSION TINA FINDS OUT THAT CREDENCE HAS BEEN LIKE POSSESSED OR SOMETHING AND TRIED TO KILL HER (THIS COULD ACTUALLY BE A PRETTY GOOD START TO THE MOVIE)

- imagine her being so distressed about it that she completely overworks herself on the case

- my god so since newt knew that credence was alive, tina would be like “WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME” and she’s be mad at him and CONFLICT ENSUES MMMM YESSS

- so much sweet angsty conflict gimme all of it

- or if tina just completely breaks down because she couldnt save credence or something NEWT WOULD COMFORT HER AND THERE WE HAVE A POTENTIAL SETUP FOR A KISS

- omg wait isnt there gonna be wizarding circus in this next movie? and that asian girl beside credence was one of the circus performers right??? SO WHAT IF CREDENCE WAS HIDING OUT IN THIS CIRCUS ALL ALONG?? AND HE FELL IN LOVE WITH HER OR SOMETHING??? SHIT I THINK I ALREADY SHIP IT

- what do you think is credence’s role at the circus? is he a performer? what kind? what does he do??

- just LOOKING at newt and tina makes me think of how the first kiss will go. is it a spurr of the moment kiss? a good luck kiss before tina leaves for battle? a grateful, “thank merlin you’re alive” kiss after the battle? a sweet, gentle kiss by a fireplace? a hesitant one where newt makes the first move and pulls back before tina jams her mouth to his?

- i swear we need at least one “i’m so glad you’re safe” reunion embrace between newt and tina okay holy shit

- why do i feel like we are in for a lot of pain, angst and a sprinkle of death in this movie

- but i am also 90% sure gellert will be a way more interesting villain than voldemort will ever be

- okay callum turner looks GOOD as theseus but i will never stop wishing that benedict cumberbatch should have been cast instead

- omg guys the cast is pretty representative this time like we have quite a few POCs

- this movie is going to be SUCh an emotional rollercoaster okay my heart is going to BLEED WITH IT

- it’s going to be deeper, darker, so much more dangerous and i swear i think someone is going to die i am sure of it

- i will emerge from the movie theatre with 9468363649364936400324920347207 new ships and my eyes still pooling with emotion

- wait where’s seraphina

- shit guys if she dies im going to scream

- ok but i really want tina to become like president of macusa or like seraphina’s right hand woman or something,, at least i want her to be the same rank as theseus

- then newt would have bragging rights; “my wife is the president of macusa”

- lmao i brotp ship tina and theseus i can imagine them as drinking buddies

- yall if grindelwald lays a single finger on newt’s case i am going to release all of hell on that man if tina doesn’t do it first

- lmfao i love that everyone is dressed so fancy and then there’s newt who’s just there like “hey guys i’m here in my dusty coat which you’ve seen before because this is the only thing i ever wear” and if that ain’t the most newt thing he’d do

- imagine if recycling clothes is just a bad habit newt has always had, and even after newt and tina get married, the habit is carried alonge, until eventually tina forces him to wear something different every few days because she thinks it’s gross

- imagine adorable husband and wife banters ahh

- also how will newt react to tina’s new hairstyle?

- well dumbledore doesnt look as eccentric as he does in the HP movies hmmm

- and they said he’ll be openly gay in this movie so i’m excited to see how that goes ;))

- we’re in for an interesting reunion of gellert and albus ooooo

well that’s all i have for now it’s like 12am here lmao im exhausted and i havent had dinner. i’m so excited for all the fanfics and fanart im sure some of you are cooking up based on this clip. looking forward to seeing/reading them!!!

FEEL FREE TO MESSAGE ME OR SOMETHING IF YOU HAVE MORE THOUGHTS YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE, ALL COMMENTS AND OPINIONS ARE APPRECIATED :DD

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sixthousandninehundredmiles · 7 years

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September 16, 2017 AH so today is essentially my last day in Singapore cause I’ll be at the airport at 3am the next day. And wow it was amazing. Throughout the entire day though, I was just thinking about you and how amazing it would be if you were there. Travelling with people who aren’t that close to your heart is just really different. But nonetheless, its an experience that I will be thinking about for quite some time. Singapore really captured my heart today, cause I actually got to explore more and see what it has to offer. The sights from practically anywhere is beautiful, and the whole city is just so well run. Our day started off with a tour of Chinatown! It was a 2.5 hour tour starting at 9:30, and it was really cool. I felt like I learned a lot about the history, and our tour guide was amazing! She spoke fluent English, and always stopped to give witty and funny comments. She also went extremely in depth when describing each event that had happened. However, the one Canadian girl, shes white, thought the tour was boring l o l. typical. I was kinda annoyed because shes just kind of culturally insensitive, so this tour was just not a good overall choice I guess for her. Oh yeah, jonghong also didn’t come on the tour with us because he was too tired, so we ended up meeting him after the tour was over at Maxwell Food Center again for lunch! I got the Hainanese chicken rice again hehe, and omg the line was so long this time. It wrapped around the building… yeah but it was worth it as expected! I also got myself a mango juice, and that was really good!! I think mangos are a huge thing here.. everywhere I go their specialties will always include mangos haha. After lunch, we decided to go to Gardens by the bay. Gardens by the bay has two main components, the cloud forest and the flower garden. Both were incredible. My favorite one was probably the cloud forest, because it was really green and misty and basically you would take an elevator up and then walk in a spiral back down. That waterfall picture is at the cloud forest! It was just overall really pretty to be in. everything felt really surreal. I was kind of annoyed, because celine always asked me to take pictures, and I don’t mind casue I know how it feels to want cute pictures? But omg I would always take the best pictures for her, and then her pictures for me would be crooked, blurry, and etc. and im just literally like girl. If you take another shitty picture, I will do the same.. like bruhhhh UGH it was just really annoying for me. LOL I need my expert photographer boyfriend basically. It was also kind of frustrating because everyone just had such low energy, so everyone was just super tired, and Idk maybe I just had too much energy? I just wanted to have conversations and talk and laugh WHILE exploring Singapore, but it was more like just walking from place to place in silence. The flower garden was also beautiful, it was much more colorful and its where I took the cinderella picture! Im still waiting on my carriage!! But yeah it was also quite cool, ike they had mini gardens with themes for each one. Like there was a small patch of different kinds of aloe, so they called it “aloe in wonderland” and decorated with characters from the story. That was quite cool. Afterwards, we headed off to Sentosa Bay, because celine wanted a picture of the merlion, it’s the giant lion statue that has the body of a mermaid. According to the stories, the merlion is supposed to protect Singapore from floods and typhoons. Its really big, like we took the picture from a block away so that we could get the whole thing in LOL it was really annoying tho because celine was like super adamant about finding this statue, and when we got here she was like omg this isn’t the one. Turns out the one that she actually wanted a picture with was the one back in Marina Bay…. Like omg did you not do your research???? Confused af. But we still took a good amount of pictures, and then we went to walk around the mini park the lion was in. we stopped by hard rock café for a snack because we were all hungry and I was still craving some good fries. LOL everyone got nachos which looked good but I just wasn’t feeling it so I got some garlic fries. Meh…. Ive had much better but I guess I just have to make do. After going to hard rock, jonghong wanted to show us this one beach that’s manmade I honestly forgot the name..im gonna have to look it up lol but it was pretty ugly. I think its funny cause everything is manmade, even the beaches. Like normal beaches are sloping ya know, so like if you walk out in the sand you’ll be slowly getting deeper, for this beach, it slopes for like 2 feet then drops straight down LOOOL so like if you ever go walking in the beach, if you take like an extra step youd just fall all the way in. LMAO smh smh we also saw a peacock getting chased by a little girl…. Smh Asians control your kids. And celine was annoying me again cause she just refused to go anywhere and sat on the ground, so all of us were like ok lets go back. So we decided to head back to the hostel. At this point it was probably around 6:30-7? So we got back to our hostel around 7:30, and we decided to meet up again at 9 to go out. We were supposed to shower but we were all so tired we just laid down and talked. Thank god celine was in a different room and it was just the three of us or I might have just been so done with her. Shes so high maintenance ugh. We met up again at 9, and decided to go try the really famous satay place in Singapore, its at the Telok Ayer Center, and its outside in stalls 7-8. Its actually quite cool, its like an outdoor satay restaurant, but if you look around theres like these TOWERING skyscrapers. I just thought it was cool to have someone as low scale as outdoor bbq, and then have these massive modern skyscrapers surrounding us. The satay was AMAZING. I don’t think ive ever had such good grilled prawns. That was probably one of my favorite things ive had. It was sooo good, and it was like 41 for 4 people, so I mean 10 per person is pretty worth!! I just loved it. I wanted to order more shrimp but I don’t think they enjoyed it as much as me. They liked the beef/lamb skewers more LOL Then after that we walked along Marina Bay, where we saw more amazing night views. I think I might have to post two different posts with more pictures because I cant show you everything… I think Singapore just looks so beautiful at night. Everything is lit up. We also found the actual merlion statue that celine was looking for, the one that shoots water and we took some photos there too. Whats really annoying is that there was a grand prix car race this weekend, so most of the walkways were closed so we had to take a lot of roundabouts and trying to get a taxi was also a bitch too l o l After the pictures, we headed to Clarke quay, at this point it was like 11pm at night? And we just found a nice bar to sit down in and drink a bit before going clubbing. I really wanted a gin lemon, which was a drink that my friend ordered for me? It might have been called something else, cause hes Spanish so what he told me could’ve been wrong. But the drink I got this time def was not it andit tasted like shit lol so didn’t drink it. And then we went to the club, and while we were walking across the bridge, this one drunk white guy pushes past Vivian and walks towards me and says “wait, hold up” and im like …? And then he tries to reach for my waist so I just back away and I kind of froze up when he came up again. Thankfully Jonghong was there, and kinda shielded me while I darted around him. Bleh drunk people. Entrance to the club is typically 30, but our waiter was nice and just told us to order a drink and they’ll let us in. so our drinks were like 22 dollars? So a little bit cheaper. I got something called the Queen of Hearts, and it was raspberry flavored? And it was actually pretty good. Lmao im so lame, I drank like half of it, and then my cheeks instantly flushed my head began pounding. But we went dancing for a bit, and it was really nicee!! The music was bomb and we were all in a good mood to dance. Everyone was pretty nice overall, no bs guys, and they had a lot of rave lights LOL we danced until 2:30 before jonghong started to feel sick again so we had to go back. We got home around 3, and we decided to lay down for 30 min before leaving for the airport. And that basically summed up my last day in Singapore!! oof what a long post. ^___^

#goodday #goodfood #adventuretime

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