#also just some good old-fashioned hypervigilance

[cesium-sheep]

no yeah pretty sure it's a trauma response thing.

the whole year has been so very very very bad, so as the end gets nearer I get counterintuitively more anxious, both because I become more afraid something else will come along to kick me back into the pit and because I have a little more room to breathe instead of just having to grit my teeth and carry on. (this is pretty normal in the context of prolonged stress and long-term traumatic situations (as opposed to singular Events))

[definitelynotshouting]

now im wondering about hunger au in season 8. watcher prey animal instincts would explain grian being so obsessed with SOMEONE keeping watch on the moon that he didnt sleep, but also - that's gotta mess with his impulse control. and that IS the kind of situation where a very tired very hungry very scared watcher would probably rather their friends be terrified and actually taking the situation seriously and trying to leave than have them be blissfully unaware till it kills them

Well--

The thing about "instincts" is that they are never going to overpower the fact that Grian is a logical thinking person. I've gotten a lot of asks assuming he'd do very impulsive things because he's a Watcher, and Watchers are technically a middle of the food chain species which gives them some prey-like base behaviors-- but the thing is, these are people? Watchers are people. They arent animals, they can think and reason. Same with Grian-- he's a sentient, sapient guy, he can reason past his "instincts" as theyre being called. Consider it like generalized anxiety: he's got an issue with hypervigilance sometimes, and he can be jumpy when people go out of their way to startle him, but that isnt his entire personality. Those are specific responses to specific stimuli and also his own trauma; he's got more going on underneath than just that.

Grian keeping watch on the moon in s8 is moreso a combination of his personality (he's an inquisitive guy), his need for a sense of control + hypervigilance, and good old fashioned alarm at something strange and unprecedented happening to everyone. That's not to say he isn't probably feeling any anxiety or dread over impending doom that might stem from him being a Watcher, it just means thats only a very small piece of the puzzle. So the idea of Grian impulsively making his friends scared about the moon situation isn't really compatible with my interpretation of his character here. The entire premise of this au involves him fighting tooth and nail not to feed on anything except what he considers positive emotions; his failure to uphold that when faced with literal, permanent, and imminent death by starvation; and the consequences that happen after. I think everyone would already be terrified-- if anything, he'd be fighting even harder with himself not to feed off that terror and in the process enhance it.

So uh, long story long, hunger!Grian being a Watcher isn't the reason he kept an obsessive eye on the moon in s8; the reason he did that is because he's a person exhibiting normal person behaviors during an apocalyptic crisis. Watcher instincts, as they were, are never going to undermine Grian's autonomy and decision-making skills.

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian S2Ep2 reactions

- I’m not an arachnophobe, but I can imagine this ep wasn’t much fun for those of us who are, I’m so sorry you guys

- I have never vibed with a character more than with Din when he said “Am I under arrest?”. I, too, am that level of exhausted. the ‘I guess this is happening but you literally cannot force me to have an emotion about it’ tier of tired

- much like the second episode of the first season, this second episode wasn’t about anything as trivial as plot development or starting a new arc; as every episode of the Mandalorian should be it’s about Din Djarin having a very bad no good horrible day that only keeps escalating on him and him being low-key exhaustedly bitchy about it while also stumbling through being a single dad, and I for one am living for it

- what did I tell you, they WERE saving up those dad & baby interaction resources for other episodes! a blessing 

-when baby cuddled up to his dad for the nap... the fact that as din sleeps he unthinkingly turns towards the baby a bit so that he’s basically shielding him with his body...... BABY’S LITTLE HAMMOCK IN THE SLEEPING COMPARTMENT DFHSDKJFHSDJKHFSKDJHF

- I’m choosing to believe din kept his armour (BOOTS INCLUDED) on while sleeping because he needed to be ready at a moment’s notice and because his hypervigilance won’t let him relax without it while there’s someone other than him and the kid around, not because that’s what he usually does, because that’s one level of crazy too far

- god, I love the razor crest so much, what a precious beaten up hunk of junk it is. din really pulled the ‘my car is too old and shitty to need plates’ and has gotten away with it for so long

that entire conversation was pure gold, honestly, up to and including the way he just went quiet for a few seconds upon realizing the game was up and then sent the whole ship into a sudden nose dive fshadfhsa. (that’s my preferred way of ending conversations too din it’s okay) the way you could see mando get tenser and tenser but there was also an underlying tone of comedy to it? exactly the sort of thing I was ready for today, tense but bizarrely funny is the mood of the hour (din IS pretty damn good at flying though! I wonder who taught him)

also they played the kuiil music while din was working to fix up the ship ;______;

- I’ve seen people say din needs to feed this baby properly (and it is very funny) but honestly din seems kind of surprised/taken aback at just how hungry the kid is all the time now, so I’m wondering if he’s actually in the beginning of a growth spurt or his brain is doing a lot of developing? we hear him get much closer to active babbling in this ep, I think his big lil force vibin’ brain needs a bunch of nutrients because it’s g r o w i n g 

- I like the way this show tackles star wars language barriers and the ways they can be solved, and not only because it’s hilarious to watch very talented actors belt out a series of unnatural noises with straight faces (well, straight helmets in din’s case I suppose) 

- I will reblog every single gifset of baby running towards his dad and being picked up safely. I will tattoo that shit on my heart.  

- Stop Giving Din Djarin Serious Head Trauma Challenge 2020 (he was passed out for long enough that frost had started to form on his helmet???? That is NOT good for you!!!) 

- Frog lady using the corpse of Zero to communicate... perfection, but also why the everloving fuck did Din keep that fashfklahsd 

my man, your life choices

- "if you put one mark on him there's no place you will be able to hide from me" ooooooooh it’s the way he doesn’t even raise his voice, it’s not a threat, it’s just a straightforward statement of fact in his normal soft voice and it’s all the scarier for it

- local dad gets unkindly shaken awake from much-needed nap three separate times, does not deserve this, let him rest

- new republic dudes showing up like ‘don’t worry we’re the chill police. haha get it? ‘cause it’s an ice planet but also we’re (somewhat implausibly) letting you off the -- anyway have fun trying not to freeze to death lawl latrz’  

- some people seem upset that this is basically filler, and I sympathise with the distress but also... this is the ‘cheerfully wallowing in filler’ show. that’s like half of season 1 too. (personally I find that mix of old fashioned case of the week and slice of life thing they’ve got going on very charming and calming, but of course that’s down to taste. I’m in no hurry to get where we’re going, and I’m glad the show doesn’t seem to be yet either)

also I do think this ep is doing some thematic things with parents and children that might make more sense when you see the season as a whole -- you have mando with the baby and frog lady with her babies-to-be up against the big fuck-off spider with its fucking army of spiderlings, there’s something going on here with the empathy and recognition that the love you feel for your child is mirrored in another person’s love for theirs (I really liked that din and frog lady protected each other’s kids as well, just very wholesome and nice... except those eggs eaten by yodito I guess. uh well it’s not a perfect metaphor I suppose lol) 

- *the razor crest barely limping through space with loose parts dangling everywhere and sparks flying from places they definitely shouldn’t*

me: :’) that’s my dad’s car you guys

- mando’s flamethrower REDEMPTION! a time it was fully 100% useful! I’m so proud of it

[myfandomrambles]

Catra season 2 Analysis

Catra in season two we see her really jump from one abuser to another. She tried to break bonds to her abusive mother figure but ends up in the same place of desperately searching out approval from the person of power above her. We also notice that she is actually attempting to be her abuser because that’s what she knows as power and respect.

A character trait that shines through in season two stronger than in season one is a huge need for control. She wants to control everyone and everything, I think a lot of it comes through as a way to stay safe. Catra is scared about a lot of things and is used to wearing a mask, this doesn’t change with more power. This paper mask extends to all of her power and relationships.

Catra is a master of control with other people. Drawing on the way manipulation was power growing up. We can see this in 2x01 that the only way to beat She Ra is manipulation. In episode 2x02 two we also see this in her handling of Bow and Glimmer. They don’t kick in her fear response so her control is even more effective.

In 2x02 we get a good look at how Catra views Adora and the rebellion as a whole. She is putting on a mask the whole time in order to manipulate Glimmer and Bow but some things leak through. One of these is her comment on their belief in friendship and the like as naïveté. She views them as weak overall and they only really upset her once when Glimmer access Catra as the reason that Adora left The Horde.

With the other Cadet’s in The Horde, she mirrors the behaviour of her abuser even stronger. She not only emotionally manipulates them like with Adora or Glimmer but falls back to old fashioned fear. In 2x03 we watch her hold Entrapta physically using intimation to control someone, it is to protect Entrapta, yes but it is still trying to use fear, all the way to violence unable to impart guidance without the fear. She falls harder into this method of control when she herself is afraid, in 2x07 threatening the others to the point of legitimately making them afraid and hurt needing control to not be afraid to not lose her way.

The heartbreaking way all Catra craves trust in any form of approval from a parental figure permeates her behaviour only second to general fear. We watch her justifying all her behaviour trying to prove she did something good to Hordak searching for praise of any kind. During these scenes we see her use Shadow Weaver as a guidepost of someone she assumed Hordak trusted in 2x03 Catra asks to be included saying “like you did with Shadow Weaver”. This shows her begging for approval but even more so her lack of understanding of what a trusting relationship even looks like. This fear of Hordak rejecting her she constantly says she matters did well in battle and is trusted even when not.

Hordak uses the same manipulation of praise Shadow Weaver used, uses physical abuse methods of suffocation and uses emotionally degrading comments. He also replaces Catra with Entrapta which again replays the abuse Catra suffered as a kid.

With Shadow Weaver we see Catra still loves her as a parent, she can’t let her go even while mad and afraid to be the same as her. Her connection is fondness and also still seeing her as the guidepost. Catra compares her success to Shadow Weaver “bet Shadow Weaver didn’t have to deal an of this” 02x03 and seeks her advice. In 2x03 we get another look into Adora and Catra’s childhood by adding that Shadow Weaver told them stories, they were partially propaganda however this is one of those “mom things” which adds to the control Shadow Weaver has and explains, even more, why Catra has such a deep connection. These addictions of parental-like behaviour further show trauma bonding.

Scorpia is confused as to why Catra still wants Shadow Weaver there I think Catra is about confused herself. However, it makes perfect sense that she wouldn’t want her mother to be killed. Catra also still has questions, why someone would abuse her asking what she could have ever done 2x06. In this part, we also see her still seeking approval trying to get her to care and even doing nice things to her like bringing her badge to her. This deep desire for approval allows Shadow Weaver to easily control her even more. All Shadow Weaver had to do was give her mild praise, connection and physical contact that was non-violent.  

After she realises that the goal of why Shadow Weaver showed any affection was only manipulation Catra completely breaks down. This also triggers fear after this Catra is jumping at Shadows and shows extreme fear reactions that she covers with anger in order to hide her pain. This also triggers even more isolation rejecting Scorpia even more than normal and fall more into using fear as control.

While we do see Catra copying the way of leading and interacting from Shadow Weaver, they are not as similar as Shadow Weaver pretends. The main difference is what drives the need to have some kind of power. Catra is seeking approval and love, to control her life, and to not be as afraid. Shadow Weaver wanted power for power’s sake. We can see this heavily in their reactions to Hordak, Catra shows higher levels of fear when threatened and more positive reactions when praised. Shadow Weaver fears to have her power taken away, and doesn’t have the same positive reactions to being accepted. A last major difference is Catra does want a connection with Scorpia, Entrapta and Adora whereas Shadow Weaver uses abusive techniques in all her relationships knowingly.

Catra’s relationship with Scorpia is key to both of their stories in this series. It’s obvious that Scorpia has a crush on Catra, and it’s pretty clear Catra is pretty oblivious to this. This obliviousness is very noticeable in 2x05. I believe this total missing of the romantic interest comes from a place of not ever really being complimented or treated with kindness, Catra doesn’t know how to respond to kindness and easily brushes it off. I also think she might not have an understanding of dating or romance in normal contexts.

However Catra does see Scorpia as special, she is the only person who ever shown trust and closeness besides Adora. Scorpia is super excited to be shown trust by Catra in 2x04, and this is impressive honestly because we see no one else ever being show trust including Entrapta. In 2x05 Catra starts to actually notice and return affection to Scorpia at the end of the episode when Scorpia is willing to go against her and put Catra’s safety first we see Catra look surprised and smile. Catra then returns this affection sharing her warmth with Scorpia.

A super interesting moment in 2x07 we see a scene where they parallel the moment in episode 1x11 where Adora promises to protect Catra. It visually parallels as they are in the same place and are in the same places on the bed. We also have Catra wrapped in the blanket like her younger self. Like when she was young Catra is terrified of her abuser hurting her again and then Scorpia like Adora agrees to help her, that she doesn’t have to face this pain again.

Catra and Adora’s relationship is mostly seen reflected in each other and very little face to face contact. We can see in 2x01, 2x02 and 2x06 that other people can use Adora against her still and as part of their manipulation. Catra is still deeply hurt by what happened. Catra wants to believe Adora still won’t really hurt her when they fight she teases her as not going to hurt her and then when attacked by the infected Adora she begs her to not hurt her returning to call her Adora over She-Ra (2x05). In this same episode, we see her have glee over “Controlling Adora”, I think this shows that she hates the way Adora not only left her but totally broke her world view. It also reflects that same desire as before where she seeks to have control over what she fears and what poses a threat to her.

Catra and Entrapta’s relationship isn’t very good. It’s building on a relationship that was mostly based on Catra playing her to try and get her to change sides, but in the beginning, it seems they have a good working relationship but they don’t seem incredibly close. Catra doesn’t trust her because she sucks with secrets and spends a lot of time managing and protecting Entrapta because she doesn’t function in The Horde the way it is assumed she should.

But when Entrapta becomes Hordak’s favourite and lab partner it changes the dynamic, Entrapta is now a manifestation of a thing Catra hates, being second best and rejection. It pushes Catra further into just replaying her childhood trauma with new people playing the roles.

C-PTSD, and BPD Symptoms:

Ability to blank out emotions (2x02, 2x03, 2x05)

Acts out against those close to her to head off abandonment (We see this with Scorpia 2x01, 2x02, 2x06, 2x07)

Constant fear of being abused again ( 2x01, 2x05, 2x06, 2x07)

Fears rejection (2x01, 2x03, 2x05, 2x06, 2x07)

Hypervigilance (2x01, 2x03 2x05, 2x06, 2x07)

Irritability

Physical outburst of emotions (2x04, 2x06, 2x07)

Preoccupation with revenge against Adora

Preoccupation with her abuser(s) Shadow Weaver and Hordak (2x01, 2x03, 2x06, 2x07)

Recklessness (2x02, 2x05)

Restlessness  (2x01, 2x02, 2x03)

Rapid and strong emotional shifts ( 2x03, 2x05, 2x06, 2x07)

Self Isolation (2x04, 2x06, 2x07)

[newbi-ginning]

More of my bistory... (bi-story?)

So... why now?

(This took a long time to finish, a lot of days coming back to it to add or reframe something. If you think that someone could benefit, please share this with them.)

I’m ok with not getting the clue until now, late bloomer (flower out of season or obit for old fashioned underwear? you decide) and all. But why did it take this long to figure it out? Part of it was the culture I grew up in, and part of it is that I was so attracted to the opposite sex that I didn’t have the bandwidth to notice guys.

When I was a little kid, like kindergarten age, I had two really good friends, we’ll call them Jack and Jill. Jack was my friend that I hung out with all the time, and had sleepovers with, but I crushed hard on Jill. I didn’t save points from some ridiculous school fundraiser to buy a pretty necklace for Jack... but I did for Jill.

There was one playing doctor episode with another boy, which has always creeped me out when I think about it. I don’t know where he got the idea, was it his invention or something taught to him? I made a point of not staying in contact with him... and he wouldn’t have been my type, regardless. Creepy.

Middle school, no guy crushes, piles of girl crushes, nothing interesting so let’s skip ahead. High school, still all girl crushes, all girlfriends, probably 95% straight wet dreams, started a collection of porn mags, all very straight... except for the bisexual section of Penthouse Letters. I mean, I paid for it, I’m gonna read every damn page looking for something to give me an excuse to jack off over. Most followed a trope of being at an orgy or couples swap and finding a dick conveniently in mouth’s reach to suck, that it was fun, writer might do it again, no big deal.

So it wasn’t that I didn’t know it was an option, but in the throes of the gonadal madness called puberty, Amok Time... the light coming from girls and women was a supernova, but from other boys and men, just a candle. This moth was heading towards the brighter of the two.

College, not much changed. The signal from WOMN-FM was 100k watts and five by five. The KOCK station was barely 50 watts and was on the other side of the Mississippi. A bit of that broadcast might sneak through on a clear night and remind my brain to sneak a guy into a sex dream.

Some guy friends were a bit more interesting than others. But nothing overpowered my interest in women, especially when I was in a relationship with one. Boobs are fucking hypnotic when you have permission to play with them! And when you don’t, the key to not being hypnotized by them is to not stare. Don’t make eye contact with the breasts, make eye contact with the person.

Grad school... A couple guys were a bit more than interesting, but that was it. I got married, and my world was focused on Her. Its not like I didn’t find other people attractive, I found some of my classmates to be incredibly attractive, one coworker was a bombshell and a half, but I never felt drawn to cheat. Instead, I had a lot of a really good friends. (This is also when I am pretty sure a couple was feeling me out for a threesome.)

Damn, but grad school is stressful. Thankfully, we found good doctors that worked with both of us to find medications that helped us cope with the mental illnesses that grad school brought to the fore. Depression. Anxiety. For me, my PTSD had put me in a constant state of hypervigilance, caused me to freeze and withdraw when my brain responded to anything it considered a threat, neglecting my research duties, my responsibilities as a spouse and partner, and broke my sleep up with waking from nightmares where I was being physically attacked by throwing kicks and punches before I was fully aware that I was safe, it had been a dream, and that isn’t a good thing when you are sleeping next to someone.

Clonazepam helped a hell of a lot with sleep disturbances, but it wiped out most of my memories of dreams. I happily exchanged both nightmares and sexy dreams for pleasant and restful sleep. But every now and then, one slipped in. Some were sexy and fun, some were horrible, but they were both rare.

Without medication and therapy, I wouldn’t have finished my PhD. I would probably be divorced and remarried (probably several times, like most of my siblings. My whole family needs help, but most won’t seek it out. I’ve tried to encourage them to do so... You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make it stay in the kitchen. (That was a joke. Sorry.)

And I definitely don’t think I would be in as good of a place as I am now to deal with this change so easily and healthfully. Bi people have higher rates of mental illness than lesbian or gay people, so I was ahead of the curve. I was already diagnosed and receiving treatment, and I had learned a lot of ways to control intrusive thoughts, whether they were self abuse... or just homoerotic. Now I don’t have to push the homoerotic ones aside. I can choose to set them aside if they are inappropriate, or just smile to myself.

Graduation, a couple “real” jobs, some world travel, and a trend starts to show up in my sex dreams, sometimes wet, sometimes just sexy. Some were a bit kinky, most were straight, but a lot of them included me sucking cock. How is that straight? Most of the time, I was sucking my own dick (which, as a teenager, I had already determined was impossible for me). That was fun and it felt good to do to myself what had only been done to me. Other times, I was sucking someone else’s dick. That was very hot, too. That felt really good, too.

This is when I had some of my first really strong guy crushes. We would be hanging out, and if we were alone, I’d want to make out with them, or push them back in a chair to go down on them. WTF, brain?

🧠 What the heart wants, the heart wants.

❤️ Don’t blame me, jackass, I’m just here to pump some iron (rich blood)!

A couple of these crushes were on openly gay men, so potential openness probably played a part to my attraction, and that was probably why I had such intense feelings for them. I would just want to kiss them, fool around a bit, see what happened. I basically told my brain to shut it, and moved on.

🧠 You should listen to me. I know you. I have your best interests at heart.

Bullshit. If you had our best interests at heart, you wouldn’t torment me over things that happened 30 years ago.

❤️ Don’t bring me into this! I have one job, and that is pumping! CARDIO, BABY! WOOOOOO!

I also deconverted, realized that I no longer believed in a god or anything supernatural, so I have no reason to think these lusty thoughts are shameful. My wedding vows were always to Her, and still are. It was important to me then that we were married in a church. Now, that is just a detail in the most wonderful days of my life.

If you are thinking of leaving religion or already have, the Recovering from Religion group can help you deal with any trauma you experienced in religion, fears or guilt from the religion you have left, being shunned, or are facing social pressure from your friends. You can find them on the Recovering from Religion website, social media, or by phone (1-844-368-2848, which is, clever them, 1-8-I-DOUBT-IT).

If I had the same feelings about a woman or NB person, I would have told my brain to shut up, I’d get back to that later, and it went into the spank bank. The guy crushes were just suppressed, and they found their expression in my dreams. but now, I recognize that this is a valid and real part of my life.

There are a lot of things I want to try, but I don’t know that I need to try them. If it becomes a need, we will need to reevaluate our boundaries. We have a different relationship now compared to what we had a year ago, ten years ago, or even twenty. This year has already brought a big change in who I am, and this year will probably include some more changes. Ten years from now, I don’t know what our relationship will look like... but I want to be with Her, because She has helped me grow so much already. When you have something this good...

The simple answer to “Why now?” is I don’t really know. I just really preferred women that I didn’t notice that I liked guys, and when I had those feelings, I treated them like an unwanted, intrusive thought. It took me this long to figure it out because it took me this long.

Is a puddle designed to fit into a pothole, or does it simply flow to fit the hole that it is in? (apologies to the late Douglas Adams) Pretty clearly, it fits the hole. My life may have had the shape of a bisexual man all along, but I just didn’t notice it.

I’m happy to be bisexual now, instead of in high school, where I would have been bullied even more than I already was. If I had realized this in high school, I would have survived and found my way.

College would have been similarly difficult. College, I would have had friends that would have supported me.

Grad school was enough all on its own. But now, I can do this. I can be me. Grad school... Fuck grad school. If I could handle that, I can handle damn near anything. I would have been ok. A bit more bruised, maybe, but I’m here now, and its because I always believed that this could get better.

And it did.

I’m in a very good place.

I’m Bisexual today.

I was Bisexual then, even if I didn’t know it.

I’ll be Bisexual tomorrow.

[eldritchsurveys]

272.

Got any nicknames that you rarely even use? >> Most of my old names are out of commission simply because there’s no one who still uses them. But, I mean, if someone came up out of the blue and addressed me as (for example) “Nuadha” I definitely wouldn’t be upset about that. It’s still my name.

Nevermind what gender you ARE, what gender do you WANT to be? >> I don’t want to have a gender. Therefore, I don’t. It’s pretty straightforward once you get down to it.

Do you ever feel ashamed revealing your age? >> No.

Working anywhere? >> No.

What's your favorite thing to put in your mouth? >> Pork buns.

What about the worst? >> I don’t know, I don’t put things I don’t like into my mouth.

Have any allergies? >> No.

Are you confident enough to reveal your height and weight? >> I wouldn’t consider it confidence, I just don’t see how revealing this information would affect me negatively. I’m 5′5″ and somewhere around 140 pounds at last check.

What one personal rule you have that you want your surrounding to follow? >> I kind of want to answer this semi-facetiously with “be excellent to each other” because I only have the vaguest idea of what I’m being asked here.

When you get muscle soreness, where does it hit you the worst? >> ---

What does your parents call you? >> They don’t.

Something you just cant stand no matter what? >> Oh, I don’t know. Bigotry, that’s an easy one.

Whats something that people do that you love? >> Go absolutely apeshit when they see a cute animal.

How old were you when you first got to go on the computer? >> I got my first computer when I was about seven or eight.

If you have a blog, facebook, myspace, etc, how long have you had it for? >> I have been on tumblr in various incarnations for almost 10 years.

If you have a blog or website, advertise here: >> Well, my personal blog is @oedon. We have fun over there.

What age would you want to get married/did you get married? >> I will be 32 on the date of my wedding.

Any lovers atm? >> Can Calah and King Crimson, my beloved inworlders, as usual.

When was the last time you had a crush on someone? >> Hmm.

Would you say you're an emotional person? >> I would say that I have emotions, and sometimes they’re overwhelming, but I’m not... outwardly demonstrative with them. They remain very much a personal experience and I don’t trust anyone else with them.

Have a kid or want to? >> I have no children.

Describe your hair style right now? >> It’s just short.

A habit alot of people around you notice you doing is? >> I wouldn’t know.

Favorite artist? >> Like, visual artist? I’m not sure, I haven’t thought about it in a while.

What's a fashion trend you would rather die than follow? >> Ain’t nothing that serious.

Got any internet friends you've never met in real life? >> Yeah.

Do you chat with alot of people on the computer or only few? >> A few, I guess.

Your favorite person you know in real life is..? >> Hm.

Are you a forgiving person? >> More or less. I just can’t be bothered with holding onto awful feelings, it doesn’t serve me.

What's a color that suits you the best? >> All of them, honey.

And a color you just can't pull off/don't want to? >> I can pull off any colour I like but I prefer not to wear white because I get too hypervigilant about it getting dirty.

Based on your running speed, what animal would you be? >> *insert slow-ish but not absurdly slow creature here*

Got any hobbies? >> I don’t even know. Reading? That’s a hobby, innit. And gaming.

Can you read in public? >> I prefer not to, because the various audio-visual distractions make it so that my reading comprehension is drastically reduced.

Describe yourself when you were 6 years old? >> I don’t know what I was like at six years old.

Right brained or left brained? >> I don’t know.

How much sleep do you get usually? >> Anywhere between 6 and 9 hours.

Do you know your blood type? >> Nope.

What's your favorite astrologic sign? >> Mine, of course ~

What month do you with you were born and why? >> I’m fine with May. I can’t imagine having any other birth chart than the one I have.

Have any large dreams you're trying to achieve? >> No.

One thing you would like to change about yourself? >> I think I’m already working on all the changes I’d like to make. It’s slow going, but it always is, and that’s fine.

One thing you like about yourself? >> I am driven by curiosity.

A type of personality you just cant stand? >> A really rigid one, in any sense. Dogmatic conviction about anything is not attractive to me.

Your personality in one word would be? >> Mercurial.

Your appearence in one word would be? >> Mercurial (ideally).

Whats a talent you'd love to have? >> Hmm.

The best prank you've pulled? >> I don’t pull pranks.

If I gave you ten dollars right now, what would you do with it? >> I mean, nothing. It’s almost 11p and I’m in bed, man.

What if it was a million dollars? >> That doesn’t change what time it is. You’d still have to wait until morning to find out what I’d do with a million dollars.

A person or a thing you truly love from your heart? >> Can Calah.

A wish you have? >> I wish I lived somewhere warmer.

Pokemon, Digimon, GI JOE, Barbies or other? >> Er...

City type of person or country? >> I’d prefer to live in a more urban area than a rural one.

Ever take polls on the net? >> I mean, I have.

Any word that you love? >> There are a lot of words that I love. “Promethean” is a good one. Also, “threnody”.

What's something you're obsessed about right now? >> The show Pose.

If you had a typing battle, do you think you'd win? >> Well, that’d depend on who my opponent was. But I’d at least be a worthy competitor.

Favorite type of candy? >> Hmm.

How often do you clean your ears? >> As often as I think about it.

Brag about something! >> I don’t have anything specific to brag about right now.

Something you find unhealthy about yourself? >> I have some unhealthy coping mechanisms that are holdovers from when I didn’t know any better. 

Words of wisdom? >> *insert some pithy quote here*

Are usually the one talking or listening to others? >> I mean, there’s no... standard or anything. It just depends on the situation.

Your reaction if someone told you you look 10 years older than your age? >> Confusion, since I usually hear the exact opposite.

Any favorite numbers? >> 9 and 19.

Any weak spots? >> Er, I’m not sure.

Do you really badly want anything right now? >> Not right now.

How much money would you say you have saved up? >> Like twenty bucks. I had to dip into my savings multiple times these past couple of months and it’ll take me forever to get back to where I was (which still wasn’t a lot, but when your income is as low as mine saving anything is a miracle).

Anything from your past you just want to forget about? >> Not necessarily, no.

What does it take to earn respect from you? >> Basic human decency is something I think I owe everyone. Not necessarily because of whether I believe they “earned it” or not, but because that’s the kind of person I’d like to be.

Where we re you born? >> Elizabeth, New Jersey.

How many people do you live with? >> One.

How do you cheer yourself up? >> It depends on what works at the time, and what’s easily accessible.

What's something that makes you really stressed out? >> Thinking about things I have to do in a certain amount of time.

Have any perticular standard you look for in a significant other? >> ---

Ever had a friend that was someone completely opposite to you? >> No.

Are you any good at science? >> I mean, that’s a very broad category of things.

Highlight of the day? >> I don’t know...

Do you go on any forums on the net? >> Not really, not anymore.

What do you think of your voice? >> I’m actually pretty okay with it. It doesn’t bother me at all.

A smily face you use alot? >> xD

Do you use msn-lingo? >> I don’t even know what that is anymore.

Got any secrets you honestly can't say to anyone? >> No.

Best horror movie? >> I don’t know.

Believe in voo doo? >> I mean, I have a lot of respect and love for vodoun and its related sects, and I don’t appreciate the simultaneous commercialisation and stigmatisation that it’s suffered as a result of ignorance and outright malice.

Think anything lives forever eternally? >> No.

Tacos or Burritos? >> Tacos.

The most annoying question on these surveys? >> ---

Whats something you do when you're dead bored? >> I don’t think I’m ever that bored. Just restless, sometimes, when I can’t figure out what I want to do.

Ever made a survey? >> Yeah, I’ve made a lot of them, but they’re all lost to the aether now.

What do you think of people who speak their mind? >> Er... I mean, I have no blanket opinion about people who speak their mind.

How do you act to people around you crying? >> Uncertainly at best, indifferently at worst.

What's something you've tried really hard at? >> I can’t think of anything.

How do you say good byes? >> I... I don’t know??? It depends?

[henantier]

can i get a spicy 1-10 for jeziel and 11-20 for thiaris

WIVES!!!!!!

Jeziel:

1: their voice

jeziel’s voice is pretty high and slides up and down in pitch frequently. she talks quickly. sometimes it’s hard to understand her because she’s just too excited about whatever she’s saying, which is absolutely adorable! her accent is what we would call american, and she speaks in relatively informal terms.

2: their smile

she’s an open-mouth smiler. maybe lets her tongue show a bit when she smiles or laughs. however, she isn’t an extended smiler. one smile or a quick laugh and she’s Done. nothing more will come out after that, it’s not like she’s holding herself back.

3: their greatest achievement

before she got to skyrim, she’d feel her greatest achievement was supporting her father (including his medical expenses) for eleven years on her own. she did a lot of questionable things to get there, so perhaps other people wouldn’t feel the same. other people would consider her entirely self-taught magic to be the greatest achievement.

4: their insecurities

she’s worried about taking up too much space. she’s insecure about how much she asks of people. mostly, she feels like she doesn’t deserve anything more than the minimum, and she hates herself for needing more.

5: their shortcomings

she’s loud, spiteful, and obnoxious. she can’t solve her own problems. she’s not resilient at all. it’s hard to maintain a relationship of any kind with her, and when you do, she gets clingy. (jeziel is aware of some of these shortcomings.)

6: how they deal with grief

uhh alcohol and compulsive spending. same way as she deals with every External Stressor she faces. when her dad died, however, instead of resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms, she decided to use religion (the pact) instead. that turned into another bad way to cope.

7: how they like to dress

when not in armor, she wears mostly loose dresses and cozy winter clothes. here’s her traveling clothes (n/s/f/w warning for the link) and here’s a few examples of the dresses she wears.

8: what they like to eat

pre-pact: lots of fruit! she went to apple orchards as a child and hung out there, just eating the apples. also lots of sweets and salty foods.

post-pact: starts eating more meat ofc, still hates fish with a passion, and farkas (the cook of the house dfghgfdf) learned how to make pact-friendly hard candies and cakes that jeziel adores.

9: their theme

idk what this means? theme song is trustful hands by the do. pinterest board is here.

10: their fashion sense

if she were around in modern times, she would love the whole “i woke up like this” trend. except she would actually look good, and she actually did wake up like that. she cares much more about her clothes/shoes/accessories than hair or nails.

Thiaris:

11: their family life

very, very bad. her parents stayed together until she was 19 or so, but everyone would have been so much better off if they hadn’t. they were always fighting, and it sometimes turned physical. never directed at thiaris or her little siblings, though. her parents seemed constantly at odds with each other, and couldn’t break themselves away from their conflicts in order to show love to their children. thiaris had a lot of responsibility way too early, to take care of her siblings.

when thiaris and ardaline get married, thia is scared that she would do the same to any children she may have, so she doesn’t have any. when she gets old, she wishes she had had children, but it’s not like she regrets it.

12: their romantic life

thia has been with both men and women, and hasn’t had much success romantically either way. she is dependent yet hypervigilant, and that hampers relationships, for some reason. she loves being in legit relationships, but she doesn’t really fulfill her end of the bargain.

she grew up in the same town as ardaline, but never crossed paths until ardaline saved her from the dagon shrine. thia was in awe (someone doing that?? for me??) but it took a while for them to fully comprehend the fact that they were actually attracted to each other. they’re the clueless wlw who are overly nice to each other and don’t realize that the other person isn’t just being nice.

13: their embarrassing memory from years ago

either the time she ate her teacher’s food and got caught mid-bite or when she fell face-first into a pile of potion bottles, getting lots of little cuts on her face and broken glass everywhere. she is consistently clumsy and not sneaky.

14: how they react to burning their tongue on food

she would try not to react to it visibly. inside, she would not like it, but outside, she seems fine. she might mention it offhand a bit after it happens, but she doesn’t want it to seem like a big deal.

15: how they react to a brainfreeze

she rolls her neck and shoulders until it subsides. more visible than burning her tongue.

16: their dreams

not much. she wants safety and security and peace. she has hopes of the world being a better place, but she’s scared of doing them herself.

17: their ambitions

again, not the most ambitious. she has an underlying desire to be part of an organization relating to any of her interests, but she’s too scared to join one in case of rejection. she’s not interested in fame or money, she wants comfort most of all.

18: how they sleep

she’s a light sleeper, turning over a lot. although she wants to have a regular sleep schedule, that doesn’t happen very often. even though she is a light sleeper, she can sleep anywhere. same kind of sleep, wherever she goes.

her dreams aren’t nightmares per se, they’re mostly frantic and stressful, and involve anticipated future events.

19: their reaction to betrayal

definitely not anger. some who meet her are in awe how she has no sense of vengeance. she ignores things like that, not mentioning it even when pressed.

20: their reaction to a mystery love letter

she would look at it a lot. keep it in her coat pocket. frame it and hang it above her bed. not even consider trying to figure out who sent it.

[takebackthetreasure92]

Making myself clear to my ex-stalkers

This is an email I sent my former staff worker from InterVarsity Christian Fellowship in February 2018. Apparently, InterVarsity remains under the impression that I won't speak out about the fact that they gang-stalked me and encouraged my abuser to harass me--even strangle me. And spread slander about me that they knew was false, just because my would-be murderer was a model student leader and it was my reputation or his. Are they really foolish enough to think I will back down? #InterVarsity #metoo

"Hi Jordan,

This is just to set you straight on a few things and make sure you understand what I hope for and don't hope for with you in future. The reason for using the pseudonymous email address is just a precaution against a certain ex at the moment because my legal name change is not information he needs right now, but I think you know who this is ;). (It's Julian, who has ditched their birth name for good.)

So I know that you, at the very least, had the decency to recognize the low and utterly puerile nature of your betrayal of me. You even almost got yourself to believe your own lies sometimes. I say almost because you had your somewhat squeamish moments, like when you used Gregor's last abusive accusation of non-forgiveness as a way to try to shut me up about every way our former cult had fucked up. (Honey, you realize your willful blindness to InterVarsity's more dangerous qualities and failure to watch Gregor's paranoia and rage, both of which escalated almost no matter what I did (keeping my mouth shut not being something I owed him or that he deserved), could have resulted in me getting literally strangled to death at Rockbridge, right? If you honestly don't--well, that ought to at least explain quite a lot about my continued hypervigilance around IV that led to some perfectly understandable PTSD paranoia. Google around and inform yourself on what that looks like. For your love of God, please recognize the signs in the students that come your way in future at Needle's Eye or anywhere else.)

Jordan, I feel like if you had paid closer attention to the things I was trying to tell you every time I brought it up or a PTSD flashback brought it to mind, which I unabashedly recall was often because...your cult was (and is) dangerous, you might have picked up on the fact that I was hoping to wake you up to what was going on in the ministry. And you used both my persistence and my PTSD to stab me in the back in what was the most manipulative way possible (no matter what prettier half-truth you told the self-righteous and naive Halen about it). Your smile at me when you knew Josh's confusion at that ridiculous gossip situation (your poisonous cult was the problem there, dear, not me) gave you a way to fuck me over, and to let your own childish ass off the hook for having an openly pro-gay transgender member, recalled a seven-year-old boy who had just told a perfect fib to the teacher on someone else and thought he was going to keep the candy he stole from that other person after all. You were a child, to be blunt, Jordan, just an immature, accountability-shirking little boy who threw his more Christ-like morals completely out the window--and all in the name of covering up every disgusting arm-twist (all failed arm-twists in my case, hee hee hee) and mind game and coercive (and often abusive) move InterVarsity had ever pulled to keep its attendees in line. Speaking of which, your expression when you thought I was about to blurt out the words "I was gay" at one event might have led someone else to think I was about to forcibly break someone else's arm, at the very least. Jordan, becoming disappointed when people who say something controversial on Facebook and then have the temerity to show up at your event--that is a fifteen-year-old thing to do. Admittedly it's better than seven, but *really?*

You know, what I give myself a pat on the back for is not giving in to your or Gregor's immature insistence that I keep my mouth shut. What you did there was wrong, Jordan, not least because you knew perfectly well Gregor was a very, *very* dangerous person when his narcissism was threatened. The only thing I caved on with him was the fact that during our casual relationship he monopolized my time romantically, literally stalked me, and acted very petulant and possessive when other men's names came up--and in the later stages of that contemporaneously cheated on me with my roommate and later went out of his way to paint me as a complete ninny for getting offended by that, as if nonconsensually holding someone to romantic double standards does not count as cheating, which of course anyone without pathological narcissism and over the age of 18 or so knows it does. Just because I gave him my silence on just that one at the time for Brooke (who truly had no clue because she had taken his fibs hook, line and sinker, to the point where he would have had no problem still messing with her mind by smearing his way out of further accountability, just like you did with me later in the game) did not mean that I was going to even begin to overlook my conviction that InterVarsity classmates needed to be told what the ministry was capable of, under the wrong circumstances and with the promise of seizing more and more control over the lives of its members. That I never ceded that control to you all--for which again, I feel extremely blessed and grateful, but to God goes that glory--is of course the real reason you gave me the boot and then tried so hard to mindfuck me into thinking I had no one but my own sorry, selfish, deep-in-sin self to blame.

LOL! Grow up, Jordan. That is the kind of silly lie a fourteen-year-old boy tells his partner (especially if his partner is female-identified and he therefore feels entitled to say it to "his girl") when he's trying to get a get-out-of-jail-free card for screwing her over by making her believe it's because of something she's done. Spiritually, you are the one who needs to get your shit together. You and InterVarsity fucked our friendship over, and you delivered the coup de gras for an incredibly selfish, inappropriately domineering, and silly reason. Emma may have been able to behave like a manipulative, completely brainwashed fool on the matter most of the time (which of course, to a degree, she was), but your own acting and/or (more likely) self-deception skills left just a bit more to be desired. I mean, I get that the staff routinely throw both themselves and their dogma at people to earn their allegiance (in many ways it was like dealing with very persistent pimps, especially when you were trying to shut me up, just to be brutally honest there), but still. And for the record, I have called Gregor out on everything (partly to cleanse my own mind of any toxic remnants of his brainwashing and mainly to secure my safety and my partner's, now that Gregor lives just over in Nashville) and threatened him with a restraining order based on both his abuse and threats and his (actual) stalking behavior if he *ever* resumes any of that again--and pointed out to him that pointing those projections of his back at him where they belong would be a cakewalk in any "court of law," should it come to that. Which of course praise God it almost certainly won't, now that I've made it clear I don't trust him to behave in the event of reconciliation, not in this life. For the last seven years all I've wanted for him was for him to be free of all the poison in his soul--that is a wish extremely near and dear to my own heart and soul--which is why your disgusting use of the ammo he gave you in telling you of his self-exculpatory-nine-year-old accusation of non-forgiveness (no, child, the reason it so visibly hit home was not actually being guilty of that; I've given you the real reason) was so, so, SO low. And I did not give a fuck about what Mary and the other brainwashed, narrow, and foolish girls thought, just to be radically honest about them.

Again, for your own sake, for the sakes of your students in Needle's Eye, and literally for God's sake, you have got to get your spiritual shit together. For years I thought you were one of the ones who also remembered to hold onto principle and, more importantly, a sense of principle *that originates within the self,* not the cult. I was very, very wrong about that. As advice, I'll let you know that I often felt like one of the few people in the cult who hung on to their adulthood in that sense, mainly *because* I would not relinquish control over my life, let alone my mind. You almost got me with the implied lie about everything being just "benevolent misunderstandings," but in my heart and in the hearts of others who would have been vilified and dismissed right and left, had they voiced those opinions to the overenmeshed majority, all those childish fibs never quite held water. Your crimson-faced mortification when I cunningly ratted your bullshit out to Josh--that was a very adult high five on your part, so I sincerely high-five you in return for all that--said it all.

I need scarcely say that I make no apologies at all for exposing all of your evil as a ministry to the university's first-years. They were the ones who needed to be warned in light of all your intrusive, sneaky, manipulative, and just plain disrespectful rubbish in infiltrating the move-in volunteer staff and pulling out all the shots in your usual WAY-too-manipulative ploys to lure new people over. There is a world of difference between wanting a person to be Saved--God has a myriad of tools suited to that purpose, as you well know, for which good old-fashioned prayer will suffice if it's meant to be--and wanting to be the saving force and guide. And there certainly is a difference, a very consequential AND spiritually essential difference, in wanting it so intensely that you will stoop to ANYTHING to pull people into your ministry, not RUF or Cornerstone, and to make sure they join, stay, and follow YOU. The real kicker here is that their definition of "follow" is for their members ENTIRELY too invasive, inappropriately domineering, manipulative, unhealthy (the DEFINITION of unhealthy, dear, so it's small wonder your staff used that buzzword fairly frequently with folks, in the pot calling any criticizing kettle black), and just plain psychologically abusive in a much-too-frequent pattern.

So I beg of you. BEG of you. If you have not already, get your shit together. I intend to just let you be in future, and I would appreciate it if you would extend me the same courtesy, starting with not responding to this email. Even though you're out of IV now (for your sake I sincerely thank God for that), I don't need to tell you outright that you had your chance with my friendship; you blew it when you irrevocably broke my trust. Forgiveness always came easy for me, but almost no matter what comes up down the road I will never fully trust you again in this life. The same goes for Gregor and Emma. And there is nothing you can say to me that you can get inside my head ever again. I'm just being honest.

Please, just work on healing any remaining crippling and lies in your mind and soul.

In Christ,

Julian"

[star-anise]

I don't know if this is crossing boundaries to ask so feel free to ignore, but do you have any advice for someone with rejection-sensitive dysphoria, an intolerance for ambiguity and a history of social ostracization / access to the In-Group being dependent on Some Unsafe Shit for figuring out where one stands with an online social circle? Like, if one really feels like they're being neglected / put on a shelf, but doesn't know how to address it without receiving platitudes that it's not

(insecurity ask cont.) Really that bad / wasn't intentional / sure they still LIKE one they just kept happening to be busy at the time - etc. Basically figuring a way through the situation if one doesn't want to do what the Anxiety wants, which is cut run and self isolate, but doesn't find the allistic normative reassurance of "oh no we really do want you around sweaty : )" reassuring or helpful in the least.

This is a live topic of discussion in my friend-groups, since my close social circle is like 95% people with a history of being bullied, serious brainweasels* around social shit and rejection, ASD and/or ADHD, and seriously geeky social skills. So my response is not like, “We have a Method! It works! I’m patenting it!” nearly so much as “Um... this is what seems not to have exploded too badly so far.” And I’m answering this publicly rather than privately because other people have useful things to contribute too. 

*(Brainweasel = little nasty thing that eats your brain)

(Like seriously if anyone DOES have A Method I’m all ears because I still do the self-isolation self-destruct way too easily)

Anyway. THE GOOD STUFF (which got really long):

I’ve personally found that it helps to make it really clear to people that if something is wrong, I want to know. I literally say, “My personal definition of Hell is when I think I’m having a happy fun time with a friend who is enjoying themselves, but in reality, I’m annoying them and they secretly resent me for it. Please don’t put me in that situation.”  It’s kind of the opposite of asking for validation--it’s trying to reduce my own emotional hypervigilance, and also shifting the burden of dealing with the problem to the other person. Now, if they find me annoying, they have to do something about it--either spend less time with me, or let me know what’s up.

Asking for things and saying “No is an okay answer!”

Being open about my wants and needs while also letting people know how much I’m willing to compromise. “I don’t know what anybody else is feeling, but for dinner I have a mild preference for pizza,” or “I’m in the kind of mood where I basically want someone to talk to about this creative project for an hour in a really intense, informed, and interested way that also doesn’t step on my creative vision’s toes, or I don’t want to talk about it at all. So unless someone really wants to talk about it, how’s the weather?”

If you can find people who are geeks about feelings and have done a lot of introspection and can be very honest, and basically didn’t think that Twitter thread about asking friends for consent for emotional labour was a bad thing? That’s probably going to help, since when you’re all in the middle of dealing with moderate-to-severe brainweasels that is the kind of wrangling that needs to happen.

Hacking into Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, if you can do it. I’ve had to explain to several people now: DBT is fundamentally about trying to unlearn you from a system of If I Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out, to having a more flexible, more adaptive set of skills that you can see in a kind of pro/con fashion and decide which of life’s sucky parts you’d rather deal with because it gets you your preferred set of upsides. The problem is: DBT kind of presents itself as a system of If You Only Behave A Certain Way, Life Will Finally Work Out! So especially for my Autistic friends, doing DBT, while useful, involves considerable arguing with the system, deciding which of it works for you and which of it doesn’t, and hacking it apart and rearranging it in your own idiosyncratic way. This isn’t actually failing to do DBT, it’s using the methods DBT teaches you on DBT itself. 

Finding a therapist who can treat baseline-neurodivergent LGBTQ+ nerds with complex trauma IS difficult, but not impossible. Not every therapist can do it. (I personally am considering giving up finding one in my city, and making use of the temporary relaxation of restrictions on distance practice across jurisdictional boundaries thanks to COVID-19 and phoning up my old therapist a province over.) If you can’t get a personal recommendation, I recommend literally cold-emailing about a half-dozen likely suspects from Psychology Today or Theravive and asking them, “Do you have any training or experience in treating [geeks/adults with complex trauma/queer people/whatever has made therapists act like cats with boots on around you before]?”

To wildly veer back to your original question

Imagine something that someone could do for you that would make you feel warm and loved. Something that would take a minute or less to do. When you’re feeling unloved, say “I’m feeling down, could anyone do [this thing] for me?” That’s literally why I ask people to show me cat pictures--I have times when I feel sad and alone and like the entire world hates me, and that’s a VERY big feeling for anyone to step in and fill, so instead? I ask for cat pics.

This, I should add, required going back into my trauma memories and deprogramming the origin of my Nice Things Are Evil Poison If I Asked The Person To Be Nice To Me brainweasel. Which is part of why I’m so insistent on asking people not to put me in my personal Hell situation.

Like, sometimes with my clients, we literally create a restaurant menu of Things People Could Do If They Wanted To Be Nice To Me, ranging from cheap $5 items like cat pics and memes to $200 bottles of wine that would be getting married and taking out a mortgage together. Sometimes we talk Love Languages just to go through several different sensory modalities. Then, if creating that menu wasn’t scary enough, they start telling their friends what’s on the list. “I really like things with dragons on them” or "I love to know when somebody’s thinking of me even when I’m not there” or “I really wish I had someone to watch movies with”. This reduces the cognitive load if somebody wants to reach out to you but doesn’t know how.

Relatedly: If you’re in a bad mood and doing something to self-regulate, you might consider letting people know what’s going on. People who are merely being civil might interpret “I’m feeling terrible about myself today” as “You are now socially obligated to blow smoke up my ass”; moderating the statement with a positive attempt to make things better, like “I’m focusing on my shoes a lot today because I feel like crap but they make me happy” or “I’m going to go try to shake this awful mood with Netflix” removes that pressure because it’s a problem with a built-in solution, so they’re not socially impolite if they ignore it. If people want to be emotionally closer to you, it opens the door for them to either ask about your problem, or contribute to your solution (”Oooh, I do like those shoes”) (”Have you seen this new series?”).

Okay so

Here’s the other thing

When you’re used to the one being rejected, you can spend SO much energy trying to make relationships work, and when they don’t, you just kind of shut down and fall over

What if (if you scraped together enough spare Cope) you said to yourself, “Whatever is going on--whether it’s them, or me, or whatever--I am not getting my needs met, so I’m going to back away from them a bit and focus on finding something new? They may not be evil or bad, but I’m going to downgrade them on my priority list.”

Like I’m just saying: Think about it. Every once in a while it’s possible it isn’t your fault, but the other person... just isn’t up to being the kind of friend you need right now, and no effort of yours can improve them at this time, so you’re going to let them shape up if they can but start focusing your attention elsewhere.

I realize that’s like the social equivalent of asking a homeless person to dip into their savings and start a business. But, just... sometimes you just need better friends.

Okay, it’s 2am and I’ve run out of ideas. Anyone else?