#also my post button wouldnt work the first 2 times i tried to post this and i had to reload the page and start over what the fuck

[ponybedazzle]

hehe.... this is my main. dont worry... i loathe femboys too

ii got a little anxious when the anonymous button wouldnt work. but... i dont really care

also.... keep up the great work...... your art is honestly eye candy and i look forward to your posts all the time.... i hope your having a good august

whats your favorite adaption of ihnmaims..... book, radio drama, or game...

thanks for the compliments ! my august is going alright,,im excited for my little sisters birthday coming up ! i hope u have something to look forward too as well. ❤️

my favorite adaptation of ihnmaims ? EASY !! heres my ranking

1.) book

2.) game

3.) comic

4.) radio drama

the book is my favorite because its the original source material, its the story with no changes ! i like it a lot for just being what it is, its an interesting short story…my only complaint would be that nimdok is there. nimdok isnt much of a “bad guy” in the book but i still dont like him because hes useless,, his most memorable moments is being solo-tortured with ellen by AM off the page (not written) and being killed. i feel as if he could’ve been replaced by literally anyone else ..im a nimdok hater for life

the video game is definitely my second favorite even though it has a lot of issues )plenty of deviations from the og plot)…it definitely has my favorite character designs for the survivors ! i also really like the backstories it gave to the characters..however, ill be the first to critique how in the book, the survivors didn’t do anything to deserve being tortured, they were are relatively good which made the story even more disturbing— this was taken away in the game but i think both are great ! i also did not like the censorship of bennys sexuality. despite the games flaws, it gave me a bunch of cool npcs to enjoy like totoooo !!! yipee !

my third favorite is the comic, i hate the comic….ted is ..something,,, gorrister is the best looking but a TERRIBLE guy,, despite the comic being so short they managed to have two panels with ellen naked, AND nimdok….nimdok just makes me mad👹idc if hes “attractive” in the comics…STILL. A. HATER, FOR. LIFEE !!!!!!!!!

oh and there are no issues with benny as always, hes perfect to me… i will say the only two reasons i really enjoyed the comic was it being ihnmaims content and the relationship between ellen and benny…i love them

number four is the audio book simply because…ive never listened to it…if i did, it might move up to 3 and bump the comic down to 4….

i tried but,, hearing them makes me embarrassed,, like …second hand embarrassment,, i cant explain it😰it physically and mentally pains me

[starfac3]

hii so in a post you wanted someone to talk abt their mlp headcannons, i’m getting into mlp rn so id absolutely love 2 hear them! (also just a question from a new tumblr user, can you see my asks on my page?) feel free to message them or whatever tumblr response mechanism there is! ^ω^

-not forcing, Moss ^^

AH HI MOSS !! THANK YOU FOR THE ASK :] 💖

first off , yes i can see your ask button !!! and welcome to tumblr :)

i tried to respond to this 4 times and i lost all my text and almost cried so im gonna make this much shorter than it was supposed to be (8 paragraphs) 😞 PROBABLY A RELIEF FOR MOST OF U THO LOL i have too many headcanons but here are some of my headcanons and /or “perfect world” scenarios for mlp g4 :)

i cant put all of my hcs here but im gonna put the ones i tell most ppl !!! ALSO NOT ALL OF THESE ARE IN THE SAME UNIVERSE!!! (if anybody wants more, ask me something specific .. >:3 nyeheh)

💜 - the mane six minus twilight have all been friends their whole lives, but not as a friend group until twilight came along!!

🩵 - branching off of the last one, rarity has made outfits for ALL of the ponies before !! but pinkie pie has been by far her most loyal customer because yk she throws parties like triweekly !! rarity mostly specializes in dressmaking but can also make other types of stuff . :) pinkie pie and fluttershy both seperately have taken some sewing classes from rarity cuz they alwayss loved her stuff :)

💛 - fluttershy runs/works a petshop/veterinarian clinic

💖 - at some point , pinkie pie moves out of sugarcube corner and runs her own nightclub !! (but like its not a naughty club, this is ponyville we are talking about here !! just lots of candy and soda and DANCING AND GAMES :3) and pinkie pie would be the funnest momma evr >w<

💙 - rainbow dash becomes a coach for the wonderbolts / some sort of coach :)

🧡 - applejack would grow up and continue to just run her family business and have a family of her own !! applejack would be a very caring mother but also she wouldnt take shit from anypony!! if anybody bullied her kid she’d have to try so hard not to kick anypony that bothers her and her kids

🩵 - rarity never expands her business or gets big, but she’s happy with it! her store is independent and a gem that many talk about all around the nation. :) she would be a fun mom but she would spoil the kid a lot lolz

💜 - twilight works at a school as a science/math/magic teacher, book author or a librarian! she would be a pretty average mom IN THE NICEST WAY POSSIBLE just saying she’s just your average girl!! but she has lots of knowledge to share :3 !!

🩷 - either:

-mane six all are alicornized. you cant just give the order keepers of the nation some fancy crystals and tell them to go on with their day while one friend who happened to be a rich unicorn who went to a unicorn school and got hit with a rainbow beam turns into a goddess and you have to watch her outlive you, you make them all goddesses or none of them. especially if the gifted unicorn never asked to be alicornized.

or

- twilight and cadenza rule together. cadence was done so dirty :( she was given goddess powers just to be sent to a Far Off Land and the Twilight was favored to just RULE A WHOLE NATION ALONE. insanity. also they have been friends / chosen sisters for the longest time. this scenario would not only give cadence a better storyline, but also spit in the faces of “theres already 5 alicorns” ❗️

~

there was nothing about vamp rarity because i havent expanded on her yet <//3 and also you guys have yet to see my whole cross-race breeding chart.. >:P

but thats all for now TwT sorry it still got long , i hope you or somepony enjoyed !! if anypony draw/write something off of these PLEASE tag me just cuz i NEED content with these !!!!!!! :33 plzplzplzplz and tag me in any pony art/writing/ etc :3 anybody feel free to ask for more !!! bye bye <33

[oysters-aint-for-me]

3 on the writing asks!

3. What is that one scene that you’ve always wanted to write but can’t be arsed to write all of the set-up and context it would need? (consider this permission to write it and/or share it anyway)

omg ok this is exciting i love this

so this is a scene from something i was writing a while back where dee’s college roommate, who she ended up setting on fire, is revealed to be eleanor shellstrop! and so eleanor is there after visiting her mother in nevada (i think that was in season 3) to try and make amends and help dee be a better person. (i never finished the fic, but i don’t think it works lmao.) anyway the whole fic was inspired by the very short and insignificant stone cold steve austin joke in the first half and also i wrote this like 2 years ago and i am not proofreading it before posting so there but for the grace of god go i, i guess

(talk of sex toys behind the cut but nothing that wouldnt be in either show)

Eleanor interrupted herself when something caught her eye just past Dee. “Oh snap! Is that who I think it is?” she said, making a beeline into the bedroom. 

“Wait—no, I just—it’s a mess in there—”  Dee tried to get in front of her, but despite being so much shorter, Eleanor had always been speedier. 

“You still have Stone Cold Steve Austin?” With no reservations whatsoever, Eleanor snatched up the cheap purple vibrator from where Dee had cast it aside on her bedside table. 

“You mean Stephen?” Dee corrected, crossing her arms tightly across her chest. Yes, it was factually true that Eleanor had been the first to name the vibrator, and yeah, maybe she was the one to physically purchase it from the store, but it was with Dee’s money, so its ownership was somewhat contested. After Eleanor stole it from her too many times to count (and accused Dee of stealing it back juts as often), they had agreed to share custody. But Dee was not into Stone Cold Steve Austin and refused to accept it as the vibrator’s name. She agreed to name it Stephen, thinking it would be a good compromise, but Eleanor wouldn’t have it. It had been a common argument between them back in college, and Dee actually felt a little bit dizzy from the whiplash of rehashing the whole thing again. 

“Man, he’s gotta be, what, 22 years old? If he was a person, he’d be able to buy beer!” She smiled to herself as she inspected the vibrator with a practiced eye. “He still works okay? How did he turn on again?”

After she fiddled with it for a bit, Eleanor found the “on” button and the vibrator buzzed to life—or, as much life as it could manage. She frowned. “Was he always this weak?” 

Dee stepped forward and snatched the vibrator out of Eleanor’s hand and reached past her to shove it in the drawer of her bedside table. “It gets the job done,” she said, slamming the drawer shut.

Leaning in with sudden and sincere concern, Eleanor muttered, “Wait. Dee, that’s not the only vibrator you have, is it?” 

“This is really weird, Eleanor. Why do you give a shit about my vibrator situation?”

Clearly affronted, Eleanor’s eyebrows shot up. “What, suddenly it’s suspicious to make sure an old friend is as happy as possible?”

“For you? After you did everything in your power to make me miserable in college? Yes, I’d say it’s a little suspicious,” Dee said. 

Eleanor rolled her eyes. “Oh, come on, give me a break. I was not trying to make you miserable.”

“You slept with every single guy that I slept with!”

“You slept with every single guy that I slept with!” 

“Oh-ho!” Dee laughed cheerlessly. “I absolutely did not!”

“Yes, you did!”

“I never slept with Jerome!”

Eleanor flung her arms out to her sides, wildly confused. “Who’s Jerome?!”

“He was your TA in organic chem,” Dee said. “You slept with him. To get a C-plus. That’s right. Not an A. Not a B. A C-plus.”

The bewildered energy held for a second, and then Eleanor let her arms fall to her sides again and wrinkled her nose in the same stupidly cute way she did in college. “Did it work?” she asked. 

“I mean, yeah.”

Eyes fixed somewhere off to the side, Eleanor considered this information, then smirked. “Can’t say I’m not impressed.”

“What are you doing here?” Dee asked, deciding to cut to the chase. “What’s the scheme?”

“Scheme? I don’t have a—”

“So you just happened to be in Philly, and you found out where I work by accident, and then coincidentally you figured out where I live, and you just wound up in my apartment?” Dee arched a skeptical eyebrow. “And you have no ulterior motive?” 

“Well—”

“How long of a flight is it from Arizona, anyway?”

“Actually, I came from Nevada,” Eleanor said. “I was visiting my mom.” 

“Your mom?” Dee repeated.

“Yeah. Well, technically we had a layover in Los Angeles, and before that I was in Australia for a while,” Eleanor said. “Oh, wait, I was in Budapest for a hot second after Australia.” 

Stunned, Dee took a second to gather her thoughts, then asked, “Why?”

Eleanor closed her eyes and sighed. Heading back into the living room, she said, “I’m gonna preface this by saying that I am not asking you to join a cult.”

“You’re not selling essential oils or something,” Dee said, a new fear suddenly taking hold. She’d been burned before—by former friends and by the oils themselves.

“No, no,” Eleanor sat on the couch. “I’m not selling anything. See, I had an...experience. About a year ago. And it made me think about, you know, my life, and people I’ve known and hurt and—and maybe, well. You know. Cared about.”  

Dee winced and took a step backwards. “What is this? Are you in AA?”

“Kind of?” Eleanor said with a sigh. “But instead of alcohol, I’m addicted to, I don’t know, being selfish?” 

“Oh god that’s boring. Let’s just—what do you want from me? You want me to forgive you? Would that get you to leave?”

Eleanor paused and tilted her head, like she was weighing her options, and then stood up from the couch, taking a step towards Dee. “Do you believe in the afterlife?”

“Oh god,” Dee groaned and took another step back. “This is a cult. I should’ve known. If someone ever says ‘it’s not a cult!’ that means it definitely is a cult.”

“It’s not a cult!” Eleanor repeated. She shut her eyes. “Oh, god, how do I say this without sounding condescending?”

[kweebtrash]

Or Nah (M)

Messy Ch. 2

Pairing(s): OC X Johnny (features other members)

Genre: College AU, Fuckboy AU

Summary: Fuckboys are basically good for one thing. You hit it and quit it- except when his voice draws you in, his body keeps you there, and dumb ass feelings linger making things particularly messy.

Warnings: drugs, anxiety attacks, night terrors

Features: POV changes, bathroom/rough sex, fingering, blowjobs

Word Count: around 14k

A/N: ‘they’ and ‘she’ are used interchangeably on purpose.

Messy Masterlist  Buy me a Ko-Fi    Other Stories

Lucas Pov

My phone was vibrating against the glass top of the coffee table ripping me out of sleep. The incessant buzzing was driving me crazy especially since my head was still fuzzy from last night. I barely remember getting home...well to Quinn and Eri's place anyway. I groaned and slammed my hand on the table feeling around until my phone was in hand. I squinted an eye open, peeking at the influx of messages that continued to scroll about my screen. I opened the messenger app and read through the dozens of texts. Johnny had added me to the group chat shortly after I met him and Jaehyun during ‘Welcome Weekend’. It was how i had found out about their party and now it was how I found out that Eri had hooked up with Johnny. He was supposedly the “king of of one night stands” and Eri was just another one to be added to his list. Or that was how it would all start out. Clearly, Ten and Yuta had met their match once they started playing with her. I wouldnt be surprised if Johnny started drooling over her too.

There was something about Eri. I still hadn’t quite figured it out myself. She was far from my type-which is why I first got with Quinn. Quinn was soft, small, pale blonde and a little ditzy- perfect. Eri on the other hand was raw, loud, obnoxious, and volatile. Dominant yet bratty, needing to be in control of everything and the first to protect if needed. She always ended up “momming” Quinn and I no matter what. She was also gorgeous in a way I didn't often see back home- tattoos everywhere, her hair a mish mash of colors, her skin deep, rich and intoxicatingly sweet. She had managed to seduce every last one of us. We were putty in her hands. Eri and I were only friends but i would be lying if I failed to admit that there were times where all i thought about was being between her legs for days on end.

I sighed and finally sat up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I tossed my two cents into the group conversation and yawned deeply. The smell of something cooking caught my attention and i realized I was fucking starving. I looked over at the small kitchen and saw Eri standing in front of the stove in nothing but her underwear and a little ass tank top, looking like i should eat her for breakfast instead. I adjusted myself on the couch and opened my camera, zooming in close to get the best view. I grabbed a pic and sent it to the chat. They would all be jealous of me getting to see this first thing in the morning-afternoon….whatever.. “Babeeeeessss, whatcha making me?”

“I had some pancake mix in the back of the fridge that was still good so there's that. There’s also some left over pizza. Breakfast of champions.”

“You look like a hot little wifey cooking for me. Just saying.”

“You know what you could say? Nothing.” She came towards me with the plate of food. “Here.”

My camera was still open so i faced it towards us under the guise of taking a selfie but i turned my head towards her, just as i hit the button, giving her a kiss. I posted it to the group chat too just to see if i could piss Johnny off. “How's your vag?” I asked Eri as i sent the picture.

“I survived I guess. My thighs still fucking hurt.” I moved my legs so she could sit on the couch beside me.

“Was he better than me?” I asked just out of curiosity.

“Lucas, you know I dont compare anyone. But he didn’t go down on me so he's already losing, just saying.”

I picked up one of the pancakes and shoved it in my mouth. “Fuckin’ pussy.”

“Dont talk with your mouth full. You're gonna choke.” She grabbed her PS4 controller and turned on the console as well as the tv. She flipped through the apps pulling up Netflix. “You wanna watch something? Quinn said they'd be coming home soon but i don't know how true that is.”

“Heard she was at T.Y.’s place.” I replied in between chewing and shoving another pancake in my mouth.

“Yep. Fucking him this time, i guess.”

I swallowed and shrugged. “I'll ask her to take a shower before we fuck.”

“How gentlemanly of you, Lucas.” She scoffed and started typing in the name of whatever show she wanted to watch. I noticed the hickies that were covering her dark skin, blending in with the tattoos on her back and shoulders.

“Damn, he did a number on you.” I said leaning in closer to her and running my fingers along the bruises. She winced a bit and tugged away from me.

“It's fine. I've had worse.”

“Yeah like when Ten accidentally cut you so deep you had to get stitches and Quinn wanted to deck him.”

She inhaled sharply. “Not one of our best moments. I squirmed by accident so I guess it was my fault.”

“Or he could’ve not hurt you.” I wiped my mouth on the back of my hand before kissing her shoulder.

“Eh. Whats the fun in that?”

I kissed up her neck, resisting the urge to bite her and make my marks better than Johnny's. “I make you cum just fine without hurting you.”

“Question.” She said, turning to me. “Do you like choking me?”

“What? Uh...i mean...it gets you off right?”

“Yeah, but do you like it?”

I scratched at the back of my neck. “I mean….”

She sighed. “Nevermind.”

“Aww, Eri, don't be mad. I dont mind doing it for you!”

“It's fine. Im not mad.” She curled up against my chest, wrapping her arm around my waist, and setting her legs on my lap.

I rubbed her thighs slowly, going up and down the length of them and paying extra attention to her hips. “Did you try and get him to do it?”

“Yeah, well sorta. I didnt say it outright but i kinda hinted at it. He pulled his hand away like he didnt want to touch me.”

“Not for nothing Eri but you’re like the only chick who's like ‘CHOKE ME’ during the first fuck. It can be kinda scary and not everyone's into that.”

“Fuckin’ wack is what that is.” She laughed.

“Maybe he'll do it next time.”

“Next time?” She scoffed. “I doubt there’s gonna be a next time.”

“You'd be surprised.” I kissed the top of her head and kept her close, kind of wondering if I should ask her if she wanted to fuck. It was too much work to do anal right now but maybe she'd at least want it slow. I could do that. I slipped my fingers underneath the strap of her tank top moving it down her shoulder.

“Lucas.”

I hated when she said my name like that. It was like i was in trouble with my mom. I kept rubbing small circles on her thigh, pretending like i wasn’t doing anything. “Hmm? What?”

“Cut it out.” She was always much stricter with how much we fucked, unlike Quinn. Eri was picky and everything had to be on her terms, which was why i always got reprimanded. I knew she still couldn’t resist me, especially when i gave her my puppy dog look.

“I swear i'm not doing anything!”

She rolled her eyes and pushed away from me. “Not right now.” She got up from the couch and headed back towards the kitchen. I stuffed the last pancake in my mouth and followed after her.

“Come on! I'll go slow! It wont even hurt. You know i take good care of you.” I chewed faster and swallowed hard before she yelled at me again.

“My thighs are killing me. I don’t even think i have the strength to open them for you to eat me out.”

“Well...you wanna at least suck me off?” She glared at me so hard that I stepped back in case her fist wanted to connect with my stomach. She was always an aggressive lover. “S-sorry…”

“You'd probably taste like pool water and sweat. No thanks.”

“Ok, you can pull one of my numbers and ask me to shower before hand. It's just...you know how i get in the morning, babes.” i pouted at her, starting my puppy dog stare.

“Don’t look at me like that. You know i hate that.”

“Pretty please? Pleaaassseeeeeee.”

She set her little hand on my face, smooshing me away. “I dont have time. I have band practice tonight and it starts soon.”

“Just a quick one i promise!! I'll be done fast!”

She groaned. “Lucas, seriously??” She rolled her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. “Fine! FINE! I don’t know how you always convince me.”

“Because you can’t resist me, that's why.” I gave her a quick kiss before running towards the bathroom to shower. Honestly, i should probably bring my shower stuff to their house at some point so I could stop smelling like vanilla, and cookies, and marigolds or whatever they used. I chucked off my shorts, tossing them in the corner where Eri could get them and do the laundry for me later. I grabbed my toothbrush and slapped some toothpaste on it before getting in the shower. I turned it on full blast, preferring a cold shower than the usual depths of hell i had to suffer through when i showered with Eri or Quinn.

“Some random person added me on snapchat! Do you know a DJJ0209?!” i heard her yell at me. I almost choked on my toothbrush. I hoped the running water hid the sound of my laughter.

“Oh...no! I dont! Did you add them?!” i called back out to her before spitting toothpaste down the drain.

I could tell she was responding but i had no idea what it was. It was hard to hear her now with my head fully under the water. Hopefully it wasnt too important. I finished brushing my teeth and moved onto washing my hair, trying to get chlorine smell out of it.

“Did you hear me earlier?” her voice appeared from inside the bathroom.

“No, all i heard was someone random added you on snapchat. Who was it?”

“I have no clue. Probs some weirdo from online. I'm just gonna block it.”

“No,” i tried to keep a straight face even though she couldn’t see me behind the curtain. “Just accept it. I'm sure it's fine.”

“What the hell!? I got another one….wait this one has a little character thing. Kinda looks like Taeil…”

“Just accept them both. Who knows maybe you'll find the love of your life.” I snorted.

“Hmm yes how romantic. Mommy, daddy, How did you meet? Well son, your father sent me a dick pic on snapchat and I was so in love we instantly got married.”

“Aww, you're like a real life Cinderella.”

She hit the shower curtain, trying to get at me. “Shut up, dumbass. I have to leave here by 6, and it's a little after 4:30 now.”

“I'm coming! You wont be late.”

“Mhm.” I could hear her walking back out of the bathroom. I finished rinsing my hair and washed up quickly. I was done in a few minutes, pulling back the shower curtain to see that Eri had left a fresh towel on the toilet. She was seriously the best. I dried off a bit then wrapped the towel around my waist, heading back over to the couch. She was laying on her stomach, feet crossed at her ankles in the air and typing furiously on her phone. I leaned over the back of the couch and trailed my hand over her lower back, watching her tense for a second. She was way warmer than my hands were. I couldn’t help but wish I could play with her a bit before she left.

“You're freezing.” She said as she set her phone beside mine on the coffee table.

“It's too hot. I felt sticky.” i moved around the couch, taking my place beside her again. She scooted closer to me, her hand tugging at the towel and pulling it open.

“Let’s get this over with.” She said.

“Gee, dont sound so enthused.” I rolled my eyes as she giggled at me. In a way i knew she was joking but also she was probably ready to get going to band practice. It was important to her but so was i. She would make time for me. I cupped her face in my hands, pulling her close for a heated kiss while her hand fell between my thighs and groped my cock. I licked her lips before she let me in, my tongue filling up her mouth and making her squirm a bit. I loved the way it felt when we kissed. She was always a tease, hungry yet slow, or fast and harsh. You never knew what you were going to get. Whenever i could get a soft little moan out of her, it would go straight to my cock, making me breathe harder and want to fuck her for hours on end just to coax more out.

I slid my hand down her back, moving down to cup her ass. It was one of my favorite things about her. There was nothing better then seeing how good it looked while i fucked her from behind, better yet when i fucked her ass. I tried pulling her onto my lap but she let out a strained whimper.

“Careful…” She whispered. Ok, note to self, beat the shit out of Johnny next time i saw him for making my Eri so sore. I let go of her ass and opted for her hip again while my other hand slid under her tank top. I was already half hard, giving her some room to start stroking. I opened my legs wider as she rubbed her thumb over my head in slow circles making every nerve feel electrified. I was already wiggling my hips towards her palm, parting my lips to feed a deep groan down her throat. She already knew everything i loved, everything that turned me on, everything that could make me cum. She guided her kisses to my neck, sucking on my jugular just a bit before pressing her lips down my chest.

I relaxed my head back against the couch, my nails digging into the armrest when i felt her lips surrounding me. She eased herself down, little by little, stroking what she couldn't fit in her mouth. Her tongue circled around my head and she popped off it completely to kiss up and down my shaft. Her kisses slipped down to my balls, tongueing them just enough to make me almost lose my cool. I thrusted my hips more as i tried to get her to take me back in. She looked up at me, that same controlling look in her eye.

“You gonna behave?” She asked, raising a brow.

I licked my lips and looked at at her. “Are you?”

She sat up and pulled away from me. “I'll stop right now, Lucas. I swear.”

“No you wont.” I dared.

She scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Oh really?”

“Mhm.” i moved closer towards her, angling my head for a kiss which I knew she would pull away from. In that instant i grabbed her neck making it disappear in the coverage of my hand. Her whole body relaxed and her face fell into an expression of bliss. Her eyes were practically rolling back in her head as her giddy giggles became strained when i closed my fingers around her tighter. It was scary as all hell to do this and it wasn’t necessarily something I enjoyed but seeing how good it made her feel got me going even more. Over time i got used to it, especially when she'd clench around me and scratch at my back, her body begging me to choke her harder. “Keep sucking, babes. It feels so good when I'm in your mouth.” i swiped my thumb over her full bottom lip, watching as her tongue poked out to lick it.

I let her go then and she eased back down, sucking faster this time. Her cheeks were starting to hollow out dragging more moans out of me. I set my hand on the back of her head, adding just enough pressure to keep her in place. I trailed my other hand down her back, sliding one of my fingers underneath her panties to feel how wet she was. She was trying to squirm away from from me but i let my finger slide slowly up and down her lower lips, rubbing each drop of slick through her folds and around her clit. I shushed her gently, telling her that i just wanted to make her feel good. I loved when she came with me and i was hoping she would swallow if i had her distracted enough.

I made circles on her bundle of nerves with just the tip of my middle finger, finally managing to get a louder moan out of her. The timbre from those cute sounds were enough to make my toes curl. I choked back her name, opting to keep quiet for now so I could concentrate. Her warm hand cupped my balls then, squeezing each one slightly as her thumb pressed into the sensitive points. I was already starting to throb in her tight mouth and it was making my nails dig into her scalp harder. I felt her wiggle her hips, reminding me that my finger was still in her panties. I rocked my finger through her wetness one last time before pushing it in slowly. I let her fuck herself on it as much as she wanted, leaving her to control the pace while i focused on my impending orgasm. “Eri...fuck…” i whispered.

She pulled off in one slow drag, rolling my precum over her tongue. “You know the drill.”

I groaned. “Please, Eri? Please? Just this once? I promise i’ll-”

“No. You know the rules.”

“But Quinn-”

“Then you should've asked Quinn.” she snapped back.

I dodged her glare and nodded in defeat. One day I was going to get her to swallow but for now i guess i had to cum on myself….again. She switched out her mouth with her hand, fisting the head of my cock before sliding down my shaft and giving it a squeeze. Cum was already starting to dribble down her hand as her hold on me tightened and loosened with each stroke. She pressed her chest to mine, bringing my head closer to cover her neck in kisses and miniscule bites. Her nails were digging into shoulder ever so slightly and her angry, commanding tone melted into that dangerously sweet voice.

“Come on, baby boy. Cum for me.” she cooed.

I held onto her then, so fucking tight, trying to bury my scream into her skin. I felt my stomach heat up as i came all over myself, my thigh muscles tensing. I swallowed back, panting against her chest as i worked through the tail end of my high. She kissed the top of my head, running her fingers through my hair, until I regained my composure.

“I gotta get dressed now.” She said, wiping her hand on the towel. I slid my hand out of her panties and groaned as i looked up at her.

“Stay for a bit…”

“I cant, its’ already about to be five. Quinn's gonna be home soon and you should actually get to your dorm sometime soon. You have class tomorrow.”

“Fuck class…”

“If you skip i'm gonna beat your ass.” She slid off the couch and headed to her room. She didn’t bother closing the door as she pulled her tank top over her head and dropped her panties. I had to look away, knowing i would make a bigger mess if i kept staring.

--

Eri's PoV

I shoved open the apartment door, kicking off my boots that were starting to dig into my feet. It felt so good to be home instead of a tiny garage sweating my ass off. I lugged my guitar and amp back to my room trying to ignore the loud moans coming from Quinn's room. I set my instrument down in the little sacred corner I set up where it wouldn't be disturbed, making sure to keep my cords wrapped up. Now that I was finally in the semi-peacefulness of my room I could take off the clothes that seemed to be glued to me. I pulled off my shorts, taking my phone out of my back pocket. I hadn’t checked it in hours and i could see the screen full of notifications. One caught my eye in particular. I clicked on the little bell which opened up my snapchat. There was one photo notification from the username i didnt recognize from this afternoon. I was going to scream if it was a dick pic. I dont even know why i thought it was a good idea to listen to Lucas and accept the request.

I braced myself as i clicked on it, waiting for the worse, even closing my eyes a bit. But it wasn’t bad. In fact...it was just Johnny. Johnny?? I gripped my phone tighter, pulling it closer to my face to examine the cute puppy filter on his black and white selfie, a simple caption of ‘hey’ towards the bottom of the screen. I couldn’t help the smile that tugged on my lips. He looked incredibly cute and definitely less like an annoying fuckboy. My heart started beating faster as i realized i should respond to him. I looked like a mess and i had no idea what i should i take a picture of. My room wasn't that clean, my face was meh at best and it was way too early for ass pics. I stared into my full length mirror, accessing the damage of my makeup. With my crappy room lighting and the use of a hundred filters I could potentially pull off a worthwhile selfie to send.

I angled my phone from above and mulled through the filters, finding a cute cat one that smoothed out my face to an angelic glow and made me have giant doe eyes. When i was satisfied i snapped the pic and typed in ‘Hey yourself’ as the caption. I expected him to leave me on read for most of the night and moved onto the other notifications i had. There was a text message from Yuta showing off new hot pink rope he had gotten (one of my favorite colors), a text from Taeyong telling me that Quinn had left their vest there (which im sure he texted just to have an excuse to talk to me), and a comment from Ten on my latest instagram selfie i took at practice (when my makeup was not so gross). I went to work answering them making the minutes pass by, keeping my mind off the thought of waiting for Johnny’s response. Thankfully, the waiting was short lived.

It was another picture but this one wasn’t so innocent and cute. His shirt was halfway up his torso, exposing his abs and the trimmed line of hair that trailed below his belly button and disappeared under the waistband of his Supreme briefs that were barely covered by his sweatpants. They did no justice in hiding the thick bulge beneath. His caption this time was ‘wyd?’. I stared at the picture so intently that my eyes started to blur a bit. I hadn’t even noticed i was holding my breath until my chest struggled to expand. He was reminding me exactly why i ended up in his bed last night and why i still felt the ache in my thighs.

I wasn't going to snap him back this time. No way. I knew exactly what he was doing- just trying to get me back in his bed. I wasn't going to fall for it. I was going to let him think that i wasn't desperate and let him suffer. I set my phone face down on my bed and pulled off my fishnet stockings and my shirt, tossing them in my hamper. I whipped off my bra and pulled on the tank top i had earlier, returning to my comfy pj state. Flopping onto my mattress, i laid back and reached for the headphones that always resided beside my pillow. They were my prized possession, complete with perfect outside noise cancellation. I opened up my spotify and hit shuffle on one of my favorite albums, sighing contently as Quinn and Lucas’ moaning was finally blocked out. I set my phone on my stomach and closed my eyes. I could use another nap to be honest…

But first…

I opened up my snapchat again succumbing to the victory of being the last one to send a teasing picture. I put the hem of my tank top cheekily between my teeth while i pressed my boobs together, making them fuller and have optimum cleavage. My caption was just a response to his question; ‘nothing much. Hbu?’.

I was too damn weak for him. I knew what the hell was under his sweatpants already but somewhere deep in the back of my mind, no matter how much i tried to ignore it, i had been thinking about the way he felt inside me. The dull ache, his long fingers, every bite of his perfect teeth on my skin, the small growls that made every one of my hairs stand on end. I thought there wouldnt be a next time- That i would just have to chalk him up to another one night stand- but now i knew he was interested in something a little more and i could play my favorite game of cat and mouse.

I set my phone back on my stomach opting to focus on the music. My nails drummed against my phone case following the beat of the heavy bass. It felt like an internal clock was ticking, reminding me like an annoying little devil that I was desperate for a response. Minutes turned into a half hour, a half hour turned into  an hour. I gave up on my ability to wait when Lucas banged on my door, loud enough to shake me from half asleep stupor. He was asking me to drive him back to his dorm. I didn’t bother putting my shorts back on. Instead i trudged to the front door in just my panties, sliding on my flipflops as we made our way out to the parking lot. The both of us were yawning as we got into my car, the passenger seat was still all the way back from when he got in three days ago.

“Had fun?” I asked. I could tell he was getting drained. Having sex non stop was going to run him right into the ground. He and Quinn were always hot messes like that. And I got called the stuck up one because my relationships were slightly more calculated.

“Yeah…” He grumbled.

“How many you'd get out?”

“2...Quinn got 5.”

“Oh boy. Let me guess, you didnt eat since I fed you either, right?” He didn't answer. I sighed and took a right turn away from the dorms and towards the strip of fast food places downtown.

“Where you going?”

“To get you food.” I flicked him in the temple, making him wince. “You need to eat and stop thinking with your dick so much.”

“Yes, Eri.” He sighed as set his head on his open faced palm, staring out the window. I pulled into a Taco Bell, rubbing his knee to pull him out of his sleepy daze. He gave me his order which seemed to be a whole laundry list of calories and fat. I pulled up to the next window and automatically reached for my debit card only to realize that i had left it at the apartment inside my shorts.

“Fuck.” I whispered.

Lucas dug into his pocket and handed me his card from his wallet. I started to protest but he just gave me a small smile. “I owe you. Dont worry about it. Youre always taking care of me anyway.”

I took his card and handed it over to the employee, waiting for his order. I felt his warm hand slip into mine giving it a little squeeze. “Dont start that gay shit.” I joked. He was always so clingy, loving, and sweet and I...liked to suppress everything I could about my emotions. Somehow he always found a way to bring something caring and nurturing out of me. He was so far from home that within the year or so that Quinn and I had known him, we became his family. Sure we all fucked but it just...kinda worked that way. I could be his best friend and caregiver and we could also connect physically to a point where it was neutral. He knew i would never want a relationship with him and that was for the best.

“Dont lie, Eri. Somewhere between your big tits you have a heart and not some black void like you pretend to have.”

“Excuse you, you leave my black void alone. It's fine just the way it is. I'm going to keep it that way.”

“Admit it. In there you have love for me and Quinn. And probably Johnnnyyyyyyyy~”

“Oh, grow up.” I scoffed. “Besides he's the one who wants it more than i do. It was him who sent me the request this afternoon and he’s already sent me a slutty snap.” i replied, grabbing the bag of food from the worker and handing it over to Lucas.

“Ohhh so that’s who that was? Shocker.”

“Yeah, you knew it was him, you little shit.”

“I’m your wingman, babes. You'll thank me later.”

I pulled out of the drive through and headed back in the direction of his dorm building. “I doubt that but ok. I dont even know if i'm gonna fuck him again.”

“You will.” he replied before shoving a burrito in his mouth. I pulled up to the building shortly after, ignoring his little quip and setting myself in park.

“Here we are, kid.”

He swallowed hard, licking his fingers of cheese sauce. “Can i come over next weekend?”

“I'm gonna be busy with Yuta on Saturday so see what Quinn says.”

“Ugh, fine.” He leaned in close and gave me a soft kiss, holding it for a bit longer than usual. “See you around!” He got out the car, taking his bag of food and backpack with him. I waited until i saw him disappear into the building before taking off. My phoned buzzed from within my cup holder and i wondered if it was Johnny. I waited until i came across a red light before stealing a glance at my phone. My mouth went dry as soon i saw his username on my screen. I wanted to see what he had sent so bad but if it was too good i didnt want it to happen while i was in the car and distracted.

I zoomed down the street, my foot a little bit heavier on the gas pedal than necessary. I was home in a flash, almost drifting into a parking space before taking the steps to my apartment two at a time. I unlocked the door and rushed in, surprised to see Quinn hobbling out of their room.

“Now i know how you feel with Johnny. My thighs are killing me.”

“Speaking of Johnny.” I spat out excitedly. “He added me on snapchat and his last snap to me was him in sweatpants with his dick print all perfect and his abs out and shit. I wanted to die. And now he just sent me another one and since you’re done with Lucas you can see it.”.

“God i hope it's his dick. Will you let me see his dick? I want to see his dick.”

I shrugged and clicked on his notification. “i guess we'll see- holy fucking shit.”

I could barely see his face, only his lips curling into a smirk as his monstrous hand groped at his bulge, giving it a quick shake. God it was so gross yet here i was salivating over it. His caption was ‘thought about how good you felt’. The 10 second clip was gone almost instantly but the view was already ingrained in my mind.

“Well if youre not gonna go over there and fuck him i will.” Quinn said.

“I’d rather you kinda….didn't.” I  looked down at them as a little bit of awkwardness sparked between us.

They pouted and crossed their arms. “You're gonna hog all that to yourself?! That's so unfair!”

“Ok, i know were pretty open about who we fuck because were in the same social circle but we kinda share Yuta and Lucas already! And i'm pretty sure Taeyong is up my ass again too, so that’s three guys! Let me have this ONE.”

“Ugh!! You’re getting soft! Was his dick that good that it went straight to your head and made you loopy?! We’re supposed to use them and leave! That’s it.”

“I know! I mean i usually leave right after when I’m with Ten and Yuta, i dropped Taeyong entirely, and Lucas hangs around here constantly so i can’t do much about that. You're the one that usually kicks him out. I dont know...i just…”

“You like him?!”

“I do not! I just like his dick! And maybe his lips….and his eyes...and his arms. And his tummy is cute too. His butt looks suuuuper good and-”

“You're weak, Eri. Promise me you will only use him for his dick. He's a dumb fuckboy who doesn’t deserve you.” Quinn said.

“I know that! And it’s gonna stay that way. Trust me. I'm not even going to answer him back. I’m tired so i’m heading to bed. I’ve got an early class anyway.”

“Yeah you do that. Between Jae, Taeyong, and Lucas, i’m pooped. I'm gonna stay home tomorrow.”

I rolled my eyes. Sometimes their will to not do anything successful with college was irritating. “Ok well you do that. Just be quiet if you're going to stay up late.” i said as i disappeared into my room and curled up in bed. What i said was partially true; i wasn't going to answer Johnny back. Well not now at least. He made me wait an hour before answering me. I was petty enough to make him wait twice as long for my response. I decided to set a timer as a reminder to get up and take a cute pic of my ass. But first a quick nap would do me good.

--

My alarm shook me out of my sleep, the heavy guitar riff scaring the crap out of me. I felt around for my phone groaning as i lifted my head off my pillow to shut it off. I blinked a few times bringing the time into view. It was 7:30 am. I totally missed my timer to respond back to Johnny and i didn't have time to take something sexy now. There were no other notifications from him either. I only had a few texts from my harem and a good morning selfie from Lucas. Glad he was actually going to class at least.

I forced myself out of bed and started getting ready. Shower, brushing my teeth, getting makeup on my face so i looked semi alive and like i didnt want to throw myself out a window. I picked out a random pair of leggings and a cut up band tee. That would suffice for today. I pulled on my worn out converses and grabbed my backpack, stuffing my headphones and laptop in it. I put some deodorant on and tossed it in my bag as well. I still had a decent amount of time to get to the commuters parking lot and head to the dungeon of journalism buildings. Once i got there, it only took a few minutes to find my classroom. It was a tiny box of a room with barely any air conditioning and older wooden desks. I plopped down in the middle aisle, already feeling my thighs stick to the chair.

Waiting for class to start was a pain. I was hungry and wanted coffee. I would maybe have some time to go to the Starbucks downtown before my next class. I didnt really have Starbucks money to spare but i needed a pick me up. Other students started shuffling in as the 9 o’ clock mark crept closer. Our professor still hadn’t shown up yet. The general consensus was 10 minutes without a teacher and you were free to leave. Please let me leave, i begged silently. If I didn’t cave in and get Starbucks I could sleep in a bit more in one of the quiet rooms in the library. I had some heavy decisions to weigh out within the next five minutes before I was able to book it.

I was watching the time tick on my phone when i saw a notification from snapchat. Oh fuck…It was Johnny. I opened it quickly, covering my phone just in case it was some sort of morning wood pic. I started wondering, just for a moment, if he slept in those sweats or completely naked. When i looked down at the picture it was actually of me sitting at my desk. The caption was ‘Ur not even gonna say hi? Lol’. I straightened up and whipped my head around trying to see where the fuck he was. I saw his smirk from the back right corner of the room, sunglasses over his eyes as he gave me a little head nod and stuck his tongue out. I whipped back around in my seat, trying to hide the blush that splattered across my cheeks.

Of course he would have class with me. Of fucking course. I had no idea what to do. Would this be awkward for us if we kept fucking? I could just ignore him for the entire semester. Pretend that any emotion towards him didn't exist and that we hadn’t fucked. While i was building my exterior facade into a sturdy wall my interior was crumbling with panic. I started furiously texting Quinn, even though i knew they weren't awake, just to get my internal screaming out. How was i supposed to get away from him now?! I had to look at those stupid gorgeous lips and thick thighs every single day of fall semester! All i could do was pray that the professor still didn't show up. My foot was furiously bouncing in anticipation of my freedom and potential to leave Johnny in the dust.

Unfortunately, i didn't get my wish. The professor came in then, huffing, puffing, and way too flustered. I set my head on the table and groaned, barely ready to suffer through the next hour and a half. Every once in awhile it would feel like Johnny was watching me but each time i looked back i was sure he was sleeping behind his sunglasses. He was probably up partying too late last night again. i caught him rubbing his eyes and yawning, looking so soft and sleepy. My lips tugged into a smile, that gooey, sickly sweet feeling returning to my stomach. I needed that to stop. I sighed and looked down at the syllabus that had been passed out. No one actually gave a crap about these. We just needed to know the due dates and what stupid projects we had. Time droned on but luckily we were let out a little early.

I stood up quickly, grabbing my bag and heading straight for the door, not bothering to look back to see if Johnny was on my tail. I got my answer either way when i felt an arm around my shoulders steering me towards the rows of rentable lockers. “So you are definitely ignoring me, right?” I heard him ask.

I groaned internally. “Not necessarily. I mean i couldn't just get up in the middle of class and ride your dick.” I kept myself in front of him, shuffling my weight from one foot to the other and gripping the strap of my backpack tightly.

“Definitely would have been better then going through another fucking syllabus. Like we dont know how to read.” He rolled his eyes. “Anyway, when’s your next class?”

“Why?” I asked curiously.

He looked around for a second before leaning against the lockers. “Wanna hook up again? I need a quickie.”

I couldn't help the giggle that escaped me. “Oh you need one, huh? Damn, didn't think you'd be the needy type Johnny.”

He sucked his teeth and rolled his eyes. “Let me put it this way then. I want to fuck and you’re the only one that’s here right now. Hows that sound?”

“Sounds like you're still thirsty from when I didn't answer your snap last night.”

“Don't know why you're playing hard to get when you weren’t that hard to get in my bed on Saturday.”

“And you definitely aren't hard to wrap around my finger.” I shot back, glaring at him as our bodies edged closer to each other.

“I’m hardly wrapped around your finger.” His almost hissed as he leaned in.

“You're here wanting to fuck me again, aren't you?” I crossed my arms and smirked up at him, knowing I had bested him in his little shade contest.

He dragged his tongue over his teeth and scoffed.  He looked away for a second, probably trying to recoup his ego. “Look, you want it or nah? I don’t have time to waste”

I got my phone out of my bra and flicked on the screen, pretending to see if I had enough time for him. My next class still wasn’t for another hour and a half. I could squeeze in a quickie. Besides if this perked me up then I could save a few bucks on coffee. I let out an exaggerated sigh. “I guess I have some free time. You got a condom?”

He patted his shorts, grabbing his wallet from his back pocket before flipping it open and checking the money pocket. “Yep.”

“I’m not about to fuck you with some old ass condom you’ve had in your wallet since you were like 16.”

“I just put it in there the other day, stupid. Anyway, where you wanna go?”

“Third floor has private bathroom. Normally that floor is pretty empty until later on in the afternoon. Follow me.”

I slipped in front of him, trying my best to make sure he had a view of my ass in the leggings that left little to the imagination. Besides if I lead the way I wouldn’t have to struggle as much to keep up with his long strides. We maneuvered up the stairs, flowing around the clog of students shifting classes. When we got to the third floor it was mostly clear as I had expected but I still looked around to see if anyone would possibly notice us. Johnny didn’t care, however. He sprinted ahead of me, swinging the door open the to single stall. “Come on already. No one’s gonna see.”

I sighed and scurried over to him, bouncing into the room and rushing him to close the door. He rolled his eyes as he set his backpack down and locked the door. “What? You think we’re gonna get in trouble out something? A bathroom isn’t the same as the student affairs office.”

“Shut up, asshole. I just want to be sure no one is going to interrupt us is all. I don’t have time to hear you whining about blue balls or some shit.”

“Whatever, scaredy cat. Let’s get this over with.” He pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it by his backpack.

“Let’s get this over with? You know I can just leave you here to jerk off if that’s how you’re gonna be.”

“Yeah but you wont.” He grabbed the strap of my backpack and forced me close to him, my head almost ramming into his chest. I braced myself against him, about to bombard him with profanities when his hands cupped either side of my face. His head came down to connect our lips and I melted then, hungry to satisfy my addiction that already developed for his sensual kisses. I clung to his waist tight as we melded together. His tongue slipped out to massage my own, sucking it into his mouth to control every aspect of our tangle. He retreated his hands from my face and worked to shove my backpack off and drop it beside us. I had begun to claw at the waistband of his shorts while he grabbed a hold of my hair. His other hand rested on the small of my back, making sure i was crushed against him. My breath was barely able to escape with how close we were and his lips not breaking from mine. I managed to pop open the button of his fly while he moved us backwards, trapping me between his well built frame and the bathroom wall. I pulled away finally, gulping down air that he threatened to take away again.

“You like shoving me against shit, don’t you?” i panted heavily.

He licked his lips, lowering himself even more to kiss at my neck. “I like having you exactly where i want you. Plus, it's hot to see you stand on your tiptoes just to try and kiss me.”

“I'm pretty sure you just like me being short because my mouth is closer to your dick.”

“I mean that too.” He chuckled lowly before wrapping his lips around my collarbone to draw blood to the surface. “We can test that out if you want.”

“If i'm good at giving head?”

He small groan against my shoulder. “Yeah. That.”

“Well…” I grabbed onto his shoulders and shoved him back, switching our positions to have him pinned to the wall. “I haven't had any complaints yet.” Johnny looked a little surprised, yet excited at the prospect of me sucking him off. His eyes were fixated on me, on my lips, as i trailed passionate kisses down his stomach and nipped at his iliac's crest. In a split second, his shorts were around his ankles and my knees followed them to the ground. I was mostly confident in my ability to pleasure him until a sickening feeling started bubbling in my mind. How the hell he was even remotely going to fit into my mouth? I could barely take him inside me without minutes on end of preparation. Now he expected me to shove him down my throat? I swallowed hard when the outline of his dick trapped in his boxer briefs stared me down.

“You just gonna sit there or-?” he snapped.

I realized he had been waiting for me to start. My heart was thundering already as I tried to conceive of a way to swallow him down comfortably. I sighed internally and just decided to bite the bullet. I rested my hands on his hips kissing the outline of his cock through his underwear. His breath stilled as his eyes closed and his head dipped back ever so slightly. I kissed the head of his cock, sucking gently and tonguing around the thickness. My hands wandered from his hips to his ass, grabbing a hold of his firm cheeks. I heard him let out a small laugh before pulling my hands away, making me pout.

“What's up with you girls and my ass? Ya”ll are always grabbing it.” he said.

“Not for nothing but it’s pretty cute and if you want me to enjoy sucking your dick even more, you should probably let me do it.” I yanked my hands from his and pulled down his underwear swiftly, revealing what made me scared yet lustful. He was rolling his eyes, preparing to retort with another quip when i wrapped my lips fully around his head. He exhaled softly instead, making the easiest of thrusts into my mouth as he started getting hard. My mouth was expanding to accommodate being fuller and I tried swallowing around him, inching my way down gradually. My eyes were already squeezed shut, my chest heaving as i forced myself to breathe through my nose.

The groan that came out of him was definitely a bit louder and deeper than what i heard during our last hookup. It was followed by a much softer ‘keep going’ as his long fingers came to rest on my shoulder. His thumb stroked my jugular, keeping me steady against him. My body relaxed a bit more as i felt the warmth of his hand so close to my neck. I was leaning into him again, wanting to feel the constriction of my air supply. I was able to swallow down more, barely half way but better than what i expected. I worked a hand around his base, giving a small squeeze before starting rhythmic strokes. My fingers met my lips as I flowed between sucking and stroking, trying my best to coax those rumbly groans out of him once more.

His thumb finally pressed into the front of my throat and I could feel the pressure every time i swallowed back. My grip on his ass tightened my nails digging into the muscles and leaving small marks behind. I wrapped a small moan around the tip of his cock as I felt the beginning drops of precum coat my taste buds. He hissed softly as he slipped the condom from his pocket into my hand. “Hurry…”

I smirked, releasing him from my mouth and tearing the foil open. “Still so needy, Johnny~”

He turned his eyes away from me. “Just hurry up and make me cum.”

“Hah, funny. I'm the one who should be cumming before you, asshole.”

“If you earn it.” He guided my hand towards his dick, commanding me to roll the condom on. 

I scoffed, pinching the tip of the rubber as i rolled it down his shaft. “If I earn it? You’re seriously bad at trying to be the one in charge.” I lied. His sharp tongued quips and deep tone was sending shivers down my spine. I wanted him to control me, command me, and have me fight tooth and nail against him.

Johnny grabbed me by my arms, hauling me up to my feet and harshly pulling down my leggings. I couldnt even say anymore before his fingers were down my panties. His middle finger was coyly circling my entrance and I knew he was just trying proving his point. Specifically, when his finger made one slow drag up to my clit before sliding back down again. “You were saying?”

I rolled my eyes, crossing my arms over my chest. “Instead of annoying me with your smart ass mouth and your boring repeated tricks, why don’t you repay the favor by eating me out?”

He looked down at me, wrinkling his nose in a face of disgust. “Nah, i'm cool.”

Excuse me?? What? Did he really just deny eating me out? What kind of nonsense was that?!

“Why not? I literally just sucked your dick. It's the least you could do.” i almost growled. I would have much rather had him go down on me and not be such a jerk about it. Maybe i was spoiled. Every single one of my other partners would do it for me, from Taeyong to Quinn to Lucas and everyone in between. Johnny was the worst exception and my mind still toyed with the idea of leaving him here to get off on his own. I felt his finger dip into me again, trying to distract me from my tirade of angry thoughts. I hated him for all the convincing he was doing by filling me with his thick long fingers, furling and unfurling at a pace that made me squirm against him. My anger was slowly dissolving and my hips were grinding into his palm with each thrust. His breath brushed against my ear while his other hand tugged on the hem of my tee.

“Off, now.” He purred against me.

His command was better and more convincing this time. The timbre of his voice made my thighs clench just a bit and brought out the worst in my bratty personality. “Make me.”

I didn’t expect him to laugh in my face. “What are you, twelve? Just take it off.”

“Shut up! You're the one trying to command me and shit!.”

“I thought that's what you liked? Or is that only when you're tied up with your legs open?” He pulled his fingers out of me, my juices glistening under the fluorescent lighting. I stared at them, my tongue coming to drag over my bottom lip as tension filled the minimal space between us. I swallowed back when i saw the way he was looking at me, irritated yet primal in a way. He gave another tug on my shirt and i didnt question it this time. I pulled it over my head, along with my bra, and dropped it to the floor, never taking my eyes off him as he gripped my chin and pushed his cum covered fingers passed my lips.

The way he filled my mouth so easily had me clawing at his waist to keep him against me. My tongue worked over each digit, sucking my taste off before forcing myself down to his knuckles. His brows furrowed as he watched, concentrating on every movement and the way I grabbed at his wrist as if I was pleading to never pull away. I did however manage to regain myself enough to send a taunting question his way. “Remember when you said you were going to finger me so hard you would have me cumming in minutes? That didn't happen last time. Gonna make up for your lie?”

“i wasn’t lying but since you want to test me so bad bend over the fucking sick then, smartass.”

He shoved me towards the sink so fast that I struggled to kick off my converses and leggings so i wouldn't trip. I grabbed onto the sides of the sink, glaring back at Johnny through the mirror that was bolted above it. “You don't have to push me.”

“Aw baby,” he cooed as he lifted my knee onto the edge of the sink. “Dont lie, i know you love this. I’m gonna make you cum all over my cock.”

“Pause. Big pause. Don’t ever, and i mean, EVER say that. It's gross and literally the most unsexy thing someone could ever say.”

He shrugged, his voice dropping in tonality. “Usually girls want me to say shit like that.”

“Get it through your thick skull that i’m not one of your little chickenheads. What works for them doesn't do shit for me. Just...be yourself.” I sighed as I squared my shoulders and looked back at him. “Ok?” I said softly.

He licked his lips and cleared his throat. “What fucking ever.” He was back to his cocky attitude then but for a split second i could see a small shift in his eyes. Maybe it was doubt or him softening up a bit through me calling him out. I hoped it got through to him or else i'd have to use one of Ten’s ball gags every time i was with him.

He resumed his impatient plunges, as if nothing had transpired, discarding whatever feelings that were passing through his thoughts. He pressed his chest into my back, forcing me to stay bent over the small bowl. The pressure of his body against mine continued to build up and overwhelm my endorphins. I braced my hand against the mirror, the heat from it fogging into a print. God, he was such an asshole for making me feel this good.

He gathered my hair in his fist, tugging slightly to angle my head towards the mirror so i could see the smirk on his reflection.“You know i think i like it better when you don't talk either.”

I gave him a spiteful glare as our eyes chased one another before his tongue dove to place lavish licks across my throat. My shoulders tensed at the sensation, fighting to give into carnal desires that seemed to flare up whenever I was with him.

He placed more bites between my shoulder blades mixing them with the still fresh marks from our previous escapade. He joined his destruction of my skin's surface with the curling of his fingers again, pressing the pads of his fingertips against the sensitive area within me. My lips clasped into a impenetrable wall, sealing in my moan while his were flowing freely into my shoulders. I felt his cock burying into my back, the friction of my squirming leading him into torment. My supporting leg seemed to lift up on its own, bringing me to my tip toes, making him get as deep as he could. The torture ceased when i finally gave into his claim, my first orgasm shocking me as it had in fact hit me in minutes. I almost believed i could snap the sink in half with how utterly amazing his fingers were.

My head dipped low as i sank back, trying to recover before he worked me up again. I wanted to rest my propped up leg down on the ground but Johnny kept it pinned in place. He didnt let me have a moment to myself. Instead he vanished inside me so breathtakingly fast that my gasp surrounded us in echoes. His hand forced an iron grip on my hip while his muscles worked to piston into me. I leaned back against his shoulder reminding me of the climax of our first fuck. My eyes were fluttered closed, lips parted and waiting to feel his tongue overrunning mine. The small teasing nibbles to my lips that turned into rumbling bites were enough to make me weak.

Mewls, curses, and begs circulated between us Then it was over. He pulled away without an explanation, a pattern he was performing all too familiarly. He busied himself with kicking off his shoes and stumbling out of his shorts. I knew he hadnt cum yet and i need that deep stretch between my thighs and that radio voice to make me drip. I crossed my arms over my chest, waiting for his next move. “Well?”

He showed nothing more than calculated movements to pull me up into his arms, keeping me between his chest and the wall anew. There wasn’t any struggle to lift me, not even so much as a grunt when the muscles in his arms flexed to support my legs and my ass. I watched every inch of him tense; his legs square and steady, his chest rising and falling with each heavy inhale, and his shoulder blades pinching inwards. He was literally beautiful and i despised it. He was making my brain feel as if it was stuck in the clouds and was never going to clear itself of the fog.  He had spread me out for him, my legs dangling over his striated forearms,

I felt him then, his shaft riding between my lower lips to coat himself in my wetness. It was opposite of the rushed thrusts he had moments ago that made my stomach burn. The ridge of his head ghosted across my clit with each upward motion reminding me that the simplistic move was enough to bring me closer to insanity. That sensation was my favorite thing in the world and i ached for more. I held onto his shoulders, stabilizing myself as i inched my hips to meet his in an unwavering continuation of my satisfaction. His eyes flickered down at me, that smug look mocking me. Why did he know how to tease me so well?

I wanted to shove his face away from me but instead i dipped a hand down from his shoulder, my nails scraping against his torso. His eyes followed my fingers, getting wide as he found them spreading myself open for him. I could see his adam's apple bob with a hard swallow. “Fuck...” He shuddered. I felt my back slide down the wall as his hold on me wavered for a second. He hiked me up, repositioning me as he got a hold of himself. He was at a better angle now and the tip of his cock was already pushing past my entrance. I rested my head against the wall trying to distract myself from the way my already sore thighs were shaking and instead concentrate on the returning thrusts.

The slow sweet feeling got my body on edge just as much as the fast pace plowing did. I could feel myself tingling, shuddering each time his head caught a sensitive spot within my walls. Johnny dripped kisses across my breasts as his tongue teased tantric circles around my nipple before capturing it between his plush lips. My back arched, my breast filling his mouth enough for him to bite the swell of it. My breath hiccuped as i felt the sting of his teeth grazing against my skin. I wanted to see the after effects of those perfect rows when i thought of him later on tonight. He kissed at the indentations, creeping his way back up to my neck. 

His motions switched to a rough slam that had his hips forcing me back against the clammy wall as i clutched onto him for dear life. The calculated and harsh thrusts were powerful enough to drive feelings out of me that i preferred to keep repressed. It didn't help at all when his husky fervored radio voice finally groaned in my ear, “Fuck, Eri….you feel so good.”

In my head i was begging him not to stop though all i could get out was little squeaks as my nails etched streaks into his back. He hissed as i clenched around him with as much strength as i could muster, spurring the morphing jagged stutters of his hips faster. Our lips met in a rougher kiss once more, teeth clashing and moans interrupting each grab of our tongues. He was stretching me as he throbbed until the ever euphoric feeling flushed over us together. Our bodies had somehow managed to sync our orgasms which shocked me into silence. Johnny pressed his forehead into my shoulder as he slowed down, riding out the last aching feeling between us. I was tingling all over, my limbs feeling like tv static, as a wave of warmth washed over my skin. Everything about this was a mystery I had to unravel. It was new and different. I had never cum at the same time as my partner before. I always thought it was an enigma that only appeared in movies and tv shows. Now that I was experiencing it I had no idea what to do or say. I looked up at him as i tried to gather myself.

“Shit...uh…” What did you say to someone who made you feel so painstakingly good?

He pulled out of me gently before setting me down on my unstable legs. I diverted my eyes from him and managed to catch my reflection in the mirror. New hickies were all over me flowing with the others and the teeth marks on my chest made the skin tender. The fatigue was setting in hard and i was harshly reminded of the warm September weather that the shitty air conditioning in this building couldn't keep up with. I wanted to shower then sleep forever, maybe with him in my bed.

That minuscule daydream ended as i saw him tossing out the used condom and getting dressed. He was cold and distant like i usually was after a quick fuck..

“See ya.” He said as he pulled his shirt back over his head and grabbed his backpack. I gave him the finger as the door shut behind him, cursing under my breath. I was pretending that it wasn’t phasing me that he was leaving me out in the cold again. I turned on the faucet and ran some water over my neck and chest, trying to cool myself down. I pulled my hair up into a ponytail before wiping the cum that was now making me uncomfortably wet from between my thighs. Getting dressed was a painful ride that i was sure to carry onto my shift at work later on. I took a deep breath before opening the door and sliding back out into the world, less horny but still feeling incredibly reckless.

--

Johnnys POV

I unlocked the door to the apartment, sighing deeply as i still felt the scratches from earlier beneath my backpack. They had bothered me all day during my shift and I had half a mind to curse Eri out. I dropped my backpack to the floor, grateful to get rid of the weight and kicked off my work boots. I ran my fingers through my hair as i took off my hat, setting it on the hook by the door along with my keys. Jae was sprawled out on the couch seeming to have done nothing all day. “Hey dipshit.”

“‘Sup, asshole.” he replied.

“I’m fucking starving.” I announced as i headed over to the kitchen. I opened the freezer and took out the frozen pizza i had been thinking about all day. I had barely eaten since i had started my shift this afternoon and at this point i would eat everything if our fridge wasn’t so empty.

“Hey i got you something.” I heard Jae call out as i tore open the box and pulled out the pizza.

“What?”

“Look.”

I turned back to see a little plastic baggie dangling from his fingers. I rushed back to him snatching it up. “Fuck! Where'd you get this from? Matt?”

“Yeah, i managed to have enough for the good shit.”

“Thank fuckin' god because Josh kept giving us mostly stems.” I replied. “I'm gonna put some food in the oven in a sec, if you wanna share.”

He nodded. “What are you making?”

“Pizza, i dont think we have another one but ill double check. Oh, we need screens.” I headed into my room for a moment, grabbing my bowl off my dresser and searching for the screens i had….somewhere. I opened my drawer and moved some of my underwear around, searching for the stupid little envelope. “For the love of tits, where is it? JAE! You got any screens left?”

“Fuck if i know.” he called back.

Thanks for helping, asshole. I went to check my desk drawer, pushing aside some of my sd cards, lighters, and notebooks until I finally found the tiny manilla envelope with the mesh screens for the bottom of my bowl. I went back to the living room and handed them over to Jae. “You wanna get it ready? Im gonna put the pizza in.”

He sat up and grabbed his grinder that was on the coffee table. “Yep. Can we use your good lighter? Mine barely has any juice left.”

We always use my good lighter. I rolled my eyes and tried to hide my annoyed sigh. I couldn't be too picky. He did get me good weed after all. “Yeah, no problem, bro.” I left him to work and shuffled back to the kitchen, getting out a cookie sheet and slapping the pizza on it, sans plastic. I looked in the freezer to see if we had anything else I could whip up. There was some left over frozen fries and onion rings. I shrugged and dumped them onto the cookie sheet, shoving the pizza aside a bit. That was good enough. I tossed it in the oven and set the timer for like 20 minutes.

I sat down beside Jae on the couch just as he was lighting the bowl, taking in a big inhale before handing it to me. I did the same, waiting a bit before exhaling, my eyes resting on the rerun of Rick and Morty he had put on. I thought about telling him what happened between Eri and I this afternoon. We normally told each other about who we fucked but i felt like i wasn't going to hear the end of his bitching if I did. Oh well. I had a mental shrug before taking another hit. “So….i fucked Eri again today.”

“Damn, for real?” He looked over at me in disbelief, shaking his head a bit. “I knew you were whipped for her.”

“Fuck off, i am not. She’s just you know…hot.” As in ridiculously cute even though she was not the usual type i went for. “And she has nice tits.” As in they fit so perfectly in my hands and i wish i could hold them all day, that i could hold her all day… “And shes tight as fuck, to be honest.” As in, i could hardly give a shit about that but she feels so damn good that my mind just turns to mush when im inside her. “Oh, and shes good at giving brain.” As in, her lips are literally a gift to this damn world and all i could think about was kissing them...but also yeah, she gives good brain too.

“Damn, her pussy must be that special to end your one night stand streak then. What happened to ‘only get her snap or instagram so she cant call you’, or ‘only ask for nudes’, or ‘fuck her and leave and dont ever text her back’?”

“The dick wants what the dick wants, bro.” I said before taking another hit. I really wished she would get out my head. I was stuck with her though. For an entire semester i had to stare at the way she twirled her hair around her finger as she tried to look back at me and hope that i didnt notice. I noticed it all and it only made it worse. Everything about her was frozen in my head like a damaged vhs tape caught in the same scene. Even at work i was fucking up coffee orders because i would remember the little moans she made in my ear or some other gay shit. Sometimes i would think about tracing my fingers over her tattoos and seeing what other things turned her on. I hated this. I needed to separate myself from her. Sleeping with her again was a mistake.

“You good or are you just spacing out from the weed?” Jae laughed.

I blinked quickly and looked at him, suddenly coming out of my funk. I had no idea how long I spaced out for or however many hits i took. It was kind of an unconscious motion at this point. I laughed nervously trying to cover up that i had been thinking about Eri. “Oh yeah, haha. Shit's good. I'm gonna check on the food ok?”

“I think the timer went off.” He shrugged as he packed another bowl. I went to check the food, taking my phone with me. I was secretly hoping that i would have a snap from Eri. There was nothing. I should've been happy because it meant i could cut ties and not have her in my room again (or bathroom for that matter). But a feeling in my stomach kept tugging. It was if my gut was telling me to just take the chance and message her again. We barely talked otherwise. Even today i just left her in the bathroom because it was what i was used to even though I felt like I should’ve said more. That orgasm was fuckin’ insane-better than anything I had ever had before. Maybe one more little hook up wouldn’t kill me. No. I was starting to break my own rules.

I wanted to slam my head against the wall with all this back and forth bullshit in my mind. I needed to smoke more; until my head got foggy, my eyes blurry, and i could laugh this feeling away. I opened the oven and stared at the food for awhile, trying to gauge if everything was cooked without actually touching it. I cocked my head to the side, watching the slow bubbling of the pizza cheese and listening to the sizzle of the fries that were just starting to crisp.

“Is it done?!”

I stepped back from the oven, wiping away the sweat on my forehead that had started to accumulate from being in front of the heat for so long. I looked around for a potholder, finding it on the floor because Jae could never pick anything up. I pulled the tray out and grabbed a plate for myself. “Come get your own shit!”

I grabbed a knife and started hacking away at the pizza, trying to get it into slices. I was so focused on trying to unstick it from the tray i almost didnt notice the two quick vibrations that went off as my phone screen flashed on. I tried not to look at it right away since Jae was making his way over to the kitchen. If i didn’t play it cool he would go back to bitchin’ about me hooking up with Eri again. He started picking off fries from the tray, opening and closing his mouth to try in get cold air in, instead of waiting for it to cool like a normal human being. Meanwhile, I managed to get half a slice of pizza unstuck and dropped it onto my plate before joining it with some onion rings. I picked up my phone, making sure Jae was too engrossed with eating to see what Eri had sent me.

It was a picture of her neck and shoulders. The new hickies from today that had amassed into a weird purple splotch on her skin. Her caption was ‘can you not? I do have to go to work you know lol’. I smirked. Seeing them all over her made me feel something. Like i had marked my territory? Eww no. That sounded gross. Maybe i liked seeing a reminder of me on her? It was feeding into my thoughts of ‘maybe she was thinking about me too’. My thumbs hovered over my keyboard for a solid minute. I didnt want to sound like an idiot or worse, a desperate idiot.

Text me when ur free?

I hit send in the chat section then typed out my number. I never did that. Never fucking ever. I was kicking myself mentally already. She wasn’t going to text back. I set my phone in my pocket and pulled off more pizza from the tray and went to the couch, alternating between eating, smoking, and feeling my body start to give into sleep. “Dont sleep on the couch.” I yawned at Jae, seeing him start to slump over on the armrest.

“I’m chill. I had a productive day of not giving a fuck and staying home. Go snap your girlfriend.” he laughed.

“Go text yours.” I got up and shuffled to my room, slamming the door behind me. I tossed my phone onto my bed and took off all my clothes, kicking them towards the giant pile of laundry on my floor. I shook off a condom wrapper that stuck to my foot then fell face first into the mattress. My body felt heavy. I hoped i would stay asleep through the night this time and wake up not needing 4 Americanos to start the day. I felt a vibration through my bed and poked my head up from my pillow.

I guess im free

Dumbass

I immediately saved her number.

Cool

Slut

I could feel a smile start to form on my lips and i shoved my face back into my pillow. If i suffocated myself enough i’d end my misery. I wouldn't need to wait for my heart stop beating so fast if i was dead. Minutes passed by and there wasn’t another message. I waited just a bit longer, until my eyelids felt heavy and i dove deep into the void.

The void was sometimes peaceful but it never really lasted long. There were times where it shifted into an ocean and made me choke on the waters of my mental distress. Other times it was a sterile room, bright and menacing. It housed my body on a slab that couldn't move, my mouth wired shut and my inability to scream permeating my mind until all i did was panic. The worst of times it was a monster that sucked me back into a realm of corrupted childhood innocence and i could never escape the horrors of being chased. It felt so stupid that i could do all this to myself but never had a way to stop it. The fear was overwhelming, creeping through each nerve until all that was left was the suffocating silence and the streaks of tears on my cheeks that smothered me in emotions that were usually locked away and buried under time and ignorance. I was fading into a forgotten mess and still trying to claw my way up, reaching for absolutely anything that could pull me out.

“Hello?....Johnny?”

I gasped as my body yanked upright. My room was stuffy and heated. My sheets stuck to my sweat drenched body, clinging like a second skin. I looked down at my hands that were slowly coming into view as i blinked away tears.

“Johnny???”

I looked around in the darkness of my room. I had no idea where that voice was coming from. Was i just imagining things? Was i even actually awake? I spotted my phone, the screen glowing as it showed an ongoing call to Eri. I picked it up, trying to even out my breath. “H-hello?”

“Dude, its like 4am. Why are you calling me?” she sounded groggy and irritated.

“So-sorry. I uh...i think i might've rolled over onto my phone and dialed you. Didn't mean to wake you.”

“You sound out of breath. Did you call me while you're fucking someone?!”

“No...seriously i’m not. I-i-i gotta go.” I hung up instantly, not wanting to dwell in my weakness. I didn't need her to know about my suffocating anxiety forced night terrors. I didn't need anyone to know about those. I wasn't sure if i rolled over onto my phone or picked it up and dialed her in my sleep. I assumed i had done it more so on accident. Who knows how much thrashing i did this time. I laid back down, kicking off the sticky blankets and instead focusing on the dozens of messages i had missed in the group chat since i had fallen asleep.

--

The Boys Group Chat

Jae: the king has been bested lol

Taeyong: ohhh shit what happened now?

Jae: the one night stand turned into another fuck

Ten: wait he fucked eri again????

Jae: 😂😂😂😂😂😂

Jae: yup

Ten: holy shit

Taeyong: holy shit is right

Taeyong: thats like...

Taeyong: i mean hes never done that

Jae: not since we became friends

Jae: its been like 2 yrs since we met too

Ten: oh how the mighty have fallen

Johnny: can yall not???

Johnny: like i can literally read everything youre sending

Johnny: i havent fallen anywhere

Ten: hell yeah you have. Youre literally trapped now

Johnny: im not fucking trapped. Its done and over with. Were not gonna fuck again

Yuta: ok bro whatever u say tbh

Johnny: get out of here yuta

Yuta: 👅👅👅👅👅👅

Taeyong: dont listen to them. Ten and yuta drool over her every time she comes near them. Theyre like addicted or something

Taeil: ive seen you commenting a few times on her ig ty. Seems like theyre not the only ones addicted

Taeyong: ive literally just liked a few of her posts! So fucking what? That doesnt mean anything!

Taeil: you were literally staring at her at the party

Taeyong: yeah because you were trying to do your innocent boy schtick!

Ten: ty no matter how much you want to deny it you want her too

Johnny: shes literally not that great. I was just horny today after class. Yall need to chill

Jae: ok but if you hook up with her a third time then we know ur for sure whipped

Johnny: fucking choke. Pls.

Yuta: once you get used to her she aint so bad

Johnny: im cool. Trust.

Ten: hes too vanilla for her lolol

Johnny: fuck off. At least i dont have to like strangle myself to get off

Ten: awww chokings fun j-suh. Im surprised she hasnt asked you to do it yet

Johnny: well i mean like

Johnny: she kinda leaned into my hand a bit

Johnny: on saturday i mean. But it was weird so i just moved it

Ten: lmaooooo pussy

Yuta: dude just do it. She just gets this look in her eyes and its fucking insane

Jae: can yall not right now? Im about to puke

Taeil: im sure shes fine having normal sex. You act like every waking moment with her has to be kinky

Johnny: i havent had any complaints yet either

Taeil: yet? As in youre actually planning for another time? Lol

Johnny: GOOD NIGHT ASSHOLES

ten: #whipped

Yuta: #johnnyiserisbitch

Jae: then what does that make u two?

Yuta: her fuckin doms, dumbass 😂😂😂

Jae: what does that even mean????

Taeyong: even i know what that means jae damn. How dumb are you?

Jae: its just weird! Idk!

Yuta: it means when ten and i fuck her we control everything about her

Taeil: jfc

Ten: its a gift what can i say

(Downloading picture)

Johnny: Yuta are you fucking serious rn bro?

Taeil: Did you really take a picture of her tied up and gagged?

Yuta: lmao yeah. why fckn not? its hot

Johnny: how many pics of her do you have?

Yuta: lol so fucking many

Ten: ive got videos too 😏😏

Yuta: i mean theyre all up for grabs in case you want em 😜

Taeil: dont you think you shouldn't be sending those without her permission?

Yuta: i can dm u them

Taeil: yeah tbh

Taeyoung: youre just as bad as everyone else

Taeil: 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

Johnny: cut it out

Ten: boo yall are no fun at all

Yuta: anyway just dont fuck her again or else ull get trapped

Johnny: like you two are?

Ten: guilty tbh

Yuta: mood

Jae: yall need to sleep

Jae: asap

Jae: and stop bugging me

Taeil: mute the damn chat duh

Johnny: i gotta get back to bed too

Johnny: morning shift tomorrow

Taeyong: wack but same

Taeyong: ill see you guys

Ten: nighty nighty tae tae😚😚😚

Jae: ten ur gay is showing. No homo

Ten: literally all the homo. Anyway tell us again if you fuck eri

Ten: and ill let you know what happens on thursday ;)

Johnny: id rather not know and not fuck her again if ur gonna touch her

Taeil: i mean u basically already have so….

Johnny: shut up

Yuta: 😂😂😂😂

Yuta: dumbass

Taeil: im dipping out but ill let you guys know if she comes to the library ✌👅

Jae: eww dont talk about that

Taeyong: stop being such a kid and just go down on her

Johnny: off limits for damn sure

Ten: i'm telling you she wont keep you around if you dont

Johnny: good lets keep it that way

[zzzoloft]

When Your Best is not Good Enough

I bet you’d expect this post to wrap up with the end-all, be-all advice about rejection and how to make it a super power. I don’t have the answers, nor the audacity to pretend anyone should be prepared to re-mold their rejections into a magical balloon animal at the moment it is crashing toward them. 

It was 2008. I wore a black pencil skirt that went past my knees, and a button-up, 3/4 length sleeved indigo blouse. It must’ve been Spring or Summer. I drove my white, ‘92 Corolla down to a chiropractor’s office in La Jolla and somehow found parking.

Tonight I had an interview, and then after that, I had to make it up to LA from San Diego, find the hotel my classmates were in, share a room with a student I hardly knew, and compete in a Students of Free Enterprise competition in LA the following morning.

At the time, I was going to community college and felt optimistic, I was probably playing in a band, I was running and walking in the mornings, and I was dating the first man who ever treated me right. Because after the last guy, I told myself, “No more fuckboys.” Or whatever word meant fuckboys in 2008. In addition, my classmates and I were teaching things like ethics and how to use a checking account to underprivileged teens and adults. I look back at the person I was, and I am proud! She had been through so much at that point. That story is for another time.

I walked into the chiropractor’s office and sat down. Several people were already there waiting in maybe a cleared out treatment room or a waiting room. The room filled until there was no sitting room left, many people standing. I would say over 30 people. I reassured myself that there were several positions open. 

A middle-aged, short, arrogant brunette and otherwise unremarkable man walked into the room and started talking about how his practice and chiropractics were life-changing, cured depression, etc. He went on like this for an hour or 2. I kept imagining the time as the sky grew darker but knew better than to check my phone. I’d never driven to LA on my own and traffic was horrible there. An accident from the year before was fresh and still weighing heavily on me. My dad offered to drive but does that make me irresponsible? Would I have to wake up my classmate when I got to the hotel? Would we have to share a bed? We’d definitely share a bathroom. It’s just one day... Just one day.

Throughout his speech we got to know some of the candidates. Women and men of all ages and education levels filled the room. Women who could be models. Women with Masters. Probably women who looked like models and also had Masters. 

It seemed like an eternity until I got called into his small office. I’m not sure my ass even hit the chair in front of his desk. I handed him the application, with about 6-8 different job postings and all but one checked. I made a joke, “I didn’t check the personal assistant one because I’m not a great driver.” (Driving was one of the top requirements for the assistant, I could see myself more as office staff.

The man held out his hand to shake mine and said, “Well, don’t get in any wrecks, then.” 

I remember the smugness on his face then. 

It was that easy? To waste 3 hours of someone’s time, and dismiss them like that? All interview advice aside, you can’t call this a fair shot at all. He might as well have just seen me and said “leave” and I wish he had done that before 8pm.

I hate to know myself well enough that  I forced a feminine laugh, shook his hand, smiled, and thanked him for meeting with me. Thanked him. I was so flabbergasted by this rejection that I had no idea how to act. I wish I would have called him a prick and knocked some shit over, but I know I wouldn’t even do that, now. 

On the way out, 2 of his receptionist girls called me from behind their front desk window and reminded me to sign up for the free back adjustment. I smiled at them and was like “Heck, yeah!” knowing I would not let that man anywhere near my body, but signing my name would be somehow keeping my dignity  - showing I didn’t run out and give up immediately. Their eyes met mine. I smiled and shook and tried to act enthusiastic. I saw pity in their eyes. What else did I see? Was I jealous of them? They must be perfect to be work here. After all, one sentence threw me out the door after 3 hours of waiting. Was it my own pity for them? They must. be. perfect. to work here.

That night, I had my boyfriend over to help me pack and say goodbye. But I never left. I didn’t drive to LA or have my dad drive me to LA. I texted my disappointed classmate that I wouldn’t be making it. I stopped showing up to all of my classes and dropped all of my extra school responsibilities, like taking pictures for class and organizing groups. I dropped all of my classes and  returned the teacher’s camera when I knew I wouldnt have to see him. After all, I had fought so hard to get to a place where I felt good enough. It was so fragile, that one bad interview sent it all crumbling down. Truth is I was feeling overloaded before the interview. I wondered how I could keep being this person. I was never a leader. I was never respected by my peers. I was never inspiring or responsible or any of those things in hindsight I was.

I used this rejection to reject myself from everything I had been involved with. 

Every new opportunity that involves impressing strangers really scares me. It’s so easy to be written-off. Every goal I try for, I have to remind myself that if it doesn’t work, or someone tries to tell me I’m not good enough, that I can NOT let it all come crumbling down. That I must hold it together. My teachers believed in me, my classmates believed in me, many of my friends and family, did, too. In my mind, the words of random chiropractor outweighed all of that and I ended my happy story and replaced it with the old one, the one where I was nothing.

Your best can only be your best. For whatever reason, someone else may think your best isn’t good enough. You should consider that a blessing and not a judgment of your worth. When you feel like giving up or hiding, take a break instead. 

Every time I have a new or scary opportunity, one where I feel out of place. I can’t help but run this rejection through my mind. If I could go back, I wouldn’t change my course or be a victim, I would tell that man that he’s super inconsiderate and uptight, and hopefully knock over a bunch of pens on my way out.

[glowstickhaloboy]

smoothie klance au?? i guess

you would not guess how many half-written AUs i have in my drafts that become WAY TOO LONG for me to ever consider publishing in a text post. yes this is a short one.

keith makes smoothies for a living. it isnt a big deal until it is.

one night, this dude comes in. who cares about build-up, we all know its lance, and he looks frazzled. he sits at the counter and orders the fruitiest smoothie on the menu. keith makes it and doesnt think much of it, except to note that something about this kid is just... weird?

1: hes coming in alone, which people their age usually dont. 2: hes dressed pretty nicely. 3: hes just sitting there??? drinking a smoothie??? not even scrolling on his phone or anything, just looking around and slurping. okay weirdo. 4: he seems off. keith does not use the word “aura” on a regular basis but lance has an aura. (which does not make sense to keith, who barely understands his own emotions, let alone someone else’s.)

lance thanks keith, and leaves like thirty minutes later. hes certainly not the weirdest customer keith has ever served, but for some reason that random, singular dude sticks out in his mind.

but the shifts come and go, and gradually keith forgets about lance.

until he comes back in again.

its a lot like it was before. lance is dressed nicely, seeming miffed about something, or not miffed, exactly, but hes clearly not happy, and this time he orders a peanut butter and chocolate smoothie, and hes just as quiet as before, only this time hes rapidly tapping away on his phone instead of memorizing the inside of the restaurant, and keith is almost glad because it means he gets to sneak glances at this guy more casually??? like, hes had weird people in here before, and lance definitely isnt the weirdest, but enigma customers are intriguing to keith and he takes what he can get

the third time, its raining. lance is drenched, droplets running down the side of his face and under the collar of his (white, button-up) shirt. he smiles sheepishly at keith from across the room and sits at the counter, nearly having tripped on the way over because he didnt bother to wipe his shoes on the interior mat and created on the floor as he crossed the room.

he orders a strawberry and banana smoothie. keith has been preparing for this. he attempts small talk.

“nasty weather,” he says.

lance nods. “yep.”

god, that was horrible. 

keith hands lance his smoothie, his change, and hides at the far end of the counter. lance alternates between staring at his phone and watching the rain hit the windows and slide down the glass. sometimes, he sighs.

the fourth time, its the middle of the day. keith is just getting off his shift, but he imagines himself whipping around and demanding to stay later just so he can serve this random kid he knows nothing about???? his eyes are trained on lance as he walks out the door. he thinks lance glances at him. for the first time, keith wonders if lance comes in when keith is not there.

months pass, and lance comes in on the regular. its clear now that when he comes in, he is not happy. in fact, he seems to be getting less and less happy, judging by the fact that he starts to order mega-sized blueberry blitzes.

and then lance disappears

and keith isnt obsessed with the guy, he doesnt, like, notice except for the fact that he totally does. where the fuck did lance go???

but, you know, whatever. a customer is a customer. keith thinks about him sometimes, but lets it go for the most part.

until he doesnt.

its four more months before lance comes in again. leaves have fallen off the trees and scarves recently appeared in the street overnight. and now, all of a sudden, in an autumn sunset, lance stumbles through the door and throws himself into the nearest chair. keith can hardly believe his eyes.

“what can i get you?” he asks lance, and he thinks lance understands that keith recognizes him. still, lance takes a moment to answer, like he has to pick every part of himself off the ground first. he drags a hand down his face. looks up at the menu. looks down at his hands.

“fuckin... i dont know, man. you ever experiment with ingredients and stuff? like, on your break, you make yourself a smoothie thats not on the menu?”

keith cannot say that he has. “you want something thats not on the menu?”

“yeah...” says lance. “something with chocolate, though. i dont care how much it costs.”

its completely out of place for keith to ask why lance looks like utter shit. hes a smoothie maker, not a bartender. also, he still doesnt even know lances name. and yet.

“what am i trying to fix with this smoothie?” he asks. “rough day? heartache?”

“bingo!” says lance, a bite in his words. he laughs like he wants to die. “dont skimp on the chocolate, man, please.”

keith nods and tries to remember things that lance has ordered in the past (its never been the same thing twice) so he can use that to guess what lance would like. chocolate? what went well with chocolate??? strawberries--people dipped strawberries in those chocolate fountains. and bananas went well with strawberries. strawberry-banana with chocolate. it might be disastrous, might be passable. keith improvises a little on the portioning, delivers the finished product to lance with a pained face.

“i have no idea how this will taste.”

lance shrugs, pays the man, and sticks a straw in it. though keith has other customers, he waits for a reply. lance doesnt give him one. his face is stubbornly unreadable. but, he doesnt choke it back up, so keith doesnt make him anything else. he, regrettably, must now face the other distractions customers.

hes never focused less on what he was making. his goal is to get the order and send it out the door. in the meantime, lance sits at the counter, sucks down his smoothie, and stares at the back wall of the room as though he has recently been hollowed out. keith wonders just what the hell has been going on in this dudes life the past three months.

finally, the line empties out. keith scoots back to lance’s seat. “can i get you anything else?”

lance sets down his 3/4 finished glass (keith has to act fast) and shakes his head.

“we have cookies,” keith offers.

lance snorts into his shoulder. “man, how pathetic do i look? pity eyes and cookie offers and free conversation.”

keith drops all pretense. “what happened?”

lance hangs his head, his shoulders slumping. “i was really hoping that i wouldnt be coming back to this goddamn place for a long time.”

keith doesnt know what to say to that. he knows that it isnt about the smoothies, but he doesnt want to pry directly into lance’s life, so he says, “the smoothies arent that bad.”

“no. the smoothies are great. perfect pick me up. it just sucks that im back to needing pick me ups.” he takes a long sip of schroedinger’s disaster-passable smoothie, and instead of saying anything, keith remains silent, an invitation for lance to explain more. “i used to come in here all the time a couple months back."

“i remember,” says keith, unprompted, because he feels like lance will respond well to honesty right now.

lance raises his eyebrows but doesnt comment. “okay. well, its super lame, and youre going to think im a total loser considering you remember me, but its sort of a personal tradition for me to come in here... after i have a bad date. but i met this dude and we hit it off and we’ve been a thing for almost four months now. and then today...” he makes a soft, sad noise as his hand plummets and crashes on the counter. “he broke up with me.” keith frowns.

“that sucks.”

“yeah,” says lance. “it really, really does. so fuck guys and girls and dating in general for a while. lancey lance is going to take care of himself from now on.”

keith blinks in surprise. lancey lance. “your name is lance?” he asks.

“since day one.”

keith offers what he hopes is an encouraging smile. “keith.”

“well, keith,” says lance, standing, “keep up the good work.”

he slides a five onto the table and heads for the door. keith frowns down at it for a moment. as lance leaves, he calls over his shoulder, “its a tip!”

after that, keith doesnt see lance for a while, but now, knowing why, thats a satisfying thing.

but also, knowing that lance is into dudes and actively looking for love is a worrying thing. keith would have to be blind not to see how attractive lance is, and after their brief but insightful conversation, lance’s happiness is on keith’s wish list. lately, a particular train of thought has been running repeatedly though keith’s head: lance wants someone who is not a jackass; i am not a jackass.

but it would be totally weird for keith to ask lance out. besides, lance isnt coming into the restaurant anymore. keith physically cant ask him on a date. perhaps that is for the best.

and then, one saturday afternoon, the planets align. keith has had a confident morning, business has been steady all day, and he rolled out of bed looking good. lance walks in. contrary to keith’s power mood, lance looks like hes been recently hit by a bus and scraped off the pavement. he makes eye contact with keith on the doormat and gives a rueful smile. keith smiles sympathetically in return.

“maybe im just destined to die alone,” lance says, halfway through his coconut-key-lime whatever. “or i’ll find true love when im like thirty. which would be a bummer. im cute now.”

keith grins. hes leaning nonchalantly on the counter, a cleaning rag tossed over his shoulder. “the world is full of idiots,” he says consolingly.

lance’s eyes bug out. “im one of them!” he protests. “clearly! what am i doing wrong? keith? buddy? my man??? today, my date walked out in the middle of the movie. it wasnt even a bad movie! i have no idea what i did, but clearly she just had enough. i tried texting her, but my messages wouldnt deliver. i think she blocked me.”

“what movie did you take her to see?”

“die a virgin 3.”

“i think i might see the problem.”

“its a tasteful movie!” lance protests. “the whole franchise gets a bad rap because of one bad scene in the first movie, but this one is great! it has keaton lovinsten in it. who doesnt like keaton lovinsten? i was practically drooling over him from the first-- oh. oh. i think i know what might have turned her off.”

keith snorts. “i certainly wouldnt like it if i went out with a dude and he started eye-fucking someone else.”

casually slip into the conversation that you like dudes. good one, keith!

“i wasnt-!” lance turns beet red. “it was a movie! hes a celebrity! and there is no way it was that bad.”

“she clearly thought it was.”

lance’s head falls onto the table. “im hopeless,” he says, but he seems to feel better about saying it now. something in keiths chest settles. he thinks about the alignment of the planets and decides that he cant do this yet. hes going to let the universe keep on rotating, and he’ll catch his opportunity the next time. for some reason, he wants to take this slowly.

so lance continues to make keith’s workplace his lovelorn HQ. keith continues to give him sympathetic pats on the back, one time even literally, and eventually he feels comfortable referencing lance in conversations with others as “my friend lance...”

meanwhile, lance goes on date after date with countless people who are not keith. the jealousy is starting to eat at keith, but he can endure it because he only ever sees lance on the tail end of these tragic romantic encounters, when all lance wants to do is complain about their big noses and loud chewing. still, keith starts to feel like hes playing with fire. on any random day, lance could find someone who makes him very happy, and he would suddenly disappear for good.

on a snowy thursday, lance enters the restaurant with a shiver. he pulls off his mittens and waves to keith, who smiles and waves back over the pigtails of a little girl. when its lance’s turn to order, he appears pleasant, if worn down. he orders extra whipped cream.

“what went wrong?” keith asks good-naturedly, lounging an elbow on the counter.

lance hesitates a moment before answering. he unwraps his whole straw, sticks it carefully in his smoothie, and drinks, before saying, “actually... nothing. i mean, not nothing, but... it wasn’t a bad date this time, it was just, i dont know, weird.”

keith prickles. he doesnt like the idea of lance having a date that wasnt overtly bad. “what made it weird?”

“what was weird was that it was good, but it was with someone bad. well, not bad. hes not bad, he was never bad, but, like, he kind of broke my heart, so...”

keith flashes back to the night lance told him about his bad-date-tradition. he frowns. “your ex?”

lance stirs his smoothie pensively. “yeah. he apologized for a lot of stuff and said hes changed, and, like, i dont know what to do with that. i thought i moved on, but considering im still not seeing anyone, maybe its a good idea to try again. i mean, if its what he wants, and its what i want, then what could go wrong? its not like he was a dick, he was always nice to me when we were together...”

lance’s voice fades out. keith is trying to think of all the ways he can coolly scream THAT IS THE WORST IDEA without sounding suspicious or biased. its a damn good thing that lance is staring into his smoothie instead of at keiths face, because keith is not keeping it together. he had taken too much of his sweet time, and now lance was heading back into a relationship, and keith had to decide if he was going to try to break that up, or watch lance fall in love again.

“how do you know hes changed?” keith asks carefully. “how do you know the same thing wont happen again?”

lance eyes keith for a moment instead of replying. then, he goes back to stirring his drink. “he seemed different. it felt like he had changed. he looked good...”

“you look good,” says keith. lance’s eyes flash up to him, and keith feels his face burn, his mind shouting, idiot! idiot! idiot! “i mean! i mean that you have changed, too, so you shouldnt be hasty about this decision. you should... look at all of your options.”

“do i even have other options at this point? my other option is stay lonely and unhappy.”

“or.” keith licks his suddenly dry lips. “you could try going on a date with me.”

silence rings loudly in his ears. he cant look at lance. he cant believe he just did that. he just said it, just like that, just put it out there for the world to hear. for lance to hear.

lance asks, “do you mean that?”

keith finally looks at him, and takes it as a very good sign that instead of revulsion or discomfort, he sees surprise. surprise and something happy. it gives him the courage to smile.

“yeah,” he says. “i mean it. you could finally see me out of this stupid apron. i mean! you could see me in my normal clothes.”

lance coughs hard into his hand, and keith’s soul withers with the knowledge that they are both currently thinking about keith naked.

lance recovers, albeit with a heavy blush on his face. “i’d like that,” he says. “but, um, just so you know, if it goes badly and you decide you hate me, im buying a blender and making my own smoothies after that.”

“that’s fair, but i dont think it will go badly,” says keith. “let me give you my number.” he pulls a napkin from the dispenser and scribbles on it with a pen, slides the napkin over to lance. when did it get so hot in here?

“thanks,” says lance, folding it and putting it in the pocket of his sweatshirt.

neither of them know what to talk about now.

“um, when are you free?” keith offers. “theres a new exhibit at the gallery that my old art teacher contributed to. its space themed, i think. we could go see it.”

lance nods. “that sounds fun. oh man, this is so awkward. im so sorry. im just still trying to register the fact that you actually asked me out. i did not think that was ever going to happen.”

keith cant help but think, me either. shiro is going to be so proud of him.

and, in a moment of bravery, he decides that he likes to see lance so bashful and awkward. he cant help but press his advantage. keith sticks out a hip, leans forward on the counter, and says, “was i too subtle before?”

but it seems like keith accidentally started speaking a language that lance understood. immediately, lance turns on the charm, a smile stretching over white teeth. keith is only shocked for a moment, and he doesnt let it show. lance says, “a little. thats okay. i like shy boys.”

keith wills himself not to get flustered. “how do you feel about motorcycles?”

“motorcycles?” lance repeats, genuinely interested.

“yeah,” says keith, still smiling. “i could teach you how to ride.”

lance gags a little bit on his straw. keith laughs and leaves him sputtering to tend to a pair of kids who just came in. by the time hes finished making their drinks, lance has disappeared, and in his place is a little napkin with a smiling face and the line: am i your bike? because its easy for you to get my motor running.

keith swipes it out of public sight, grinning, and stuffs it in his pocket.

the date does not go badly. it goes very, very well. keith shows up on his motorcycle, and lance is both impressed and excited to ride it. he hugs keith tight around the middle, whooping loudly, and when they pull into a parking spot, he stumbles off the seat like a champion, drunk on adrenaline, eyes shining. keiths heart sprints. they check out the exhibit and lance amuses keith by making ritzy, intellectual comments such as, “the artist has a certain je ne sais quoi, a, how do you say, need to fuck the canvas” that have keith choking back laughter in an effort to remain respectful. it goes so well that keith has the courage to take lance’s hand halfway through the exhibit, to which lance looks down and says, “gay.” afterwards, even though they didnt plan to, they go out to eat at a diner and split a large order of fries. lance has a unique, deeply personal drink (1/3 mountain dew 1/3 cherry coke 1/3 pepsi with a shot of dr pepper) which he graciously allows keith to try. keith periodically catches himself imagining scenarios wherein he and lance show up on each others doorstep for surprise dates or lounge together half-asleep in pajama pants, lance playing video games while keith watches vine compilations on youtube. afterward, because neither of them want to go home, keith takes lance for a spin on the motorcycle just to feel lance hold onto him, and they end up parking outside a place that is very familiar to them both.

“what are we doing here?” lance asks. he frowns at a large milkshake painted on the window. inside is the counter he’s has spent much of the last six months moping at.

keith checks over his shoulder. “i thought it would be rude to ask if you were coming here after, but if you wanted to, i figured it would be polite to drop you off.”

lance shoves keith in the side, laughing. “shut up, you bastard. you damn well know that this was a good date. take me home.”

keith obediently revs his motorcycle, and they take off together. over the roar of the bike and the wind, keith does not hear lance say, “the best date.”

they arrive back at lance’s house. lance is still awkward clambering off the bike, but its better this time. keith boots down the kickstand, and when he turns back up, lance is right there.

“the best date,” lance says, knowing full well that keith is going to hear him this time. he pulls off keith’s helmet, steps close, and keith only has a flash of realization for whats about to happen before lance kisses him.

“the best date,” keith agrees, awestruck.

“i’ll text you,” says lance.

“can’t wait,” says keith.

lance’s hands are still fisted in keiths jacket. “i think this is the part where you drive away.”

“or it’s the part where i ask if i can see you again. are you free this weekend?”

“if im not, i’ll move plans. count on it.” lance lets his hands fall. “you look good out of the apron, by the way.” he hands keith his helmet. “safety first. dont ruin your face, or i might not go out with you again.”

keith rolls his eyes. “its been a privilege.” he wants to kiss lance again. “see you friday.”

he starts his motorcycle, checks over his shoulder, and kicks off onto the road, leaving lance watching after him. he cant believe its only wednesday.

[cemen-roa-reawic]

Protection/self love charm

So a while back i made a protection charm that doubled as a self love/confidence charm for a friend who was in need at the time and it turned out pretty useful, so im making a "how to" post about it.

List of things i used:

-black fabric (i used felt)

-a black candle (protection), pink candle(self love), and orange candle(energy). The black and orange candles were specially made ones sold with the specific intent that i used them for.

-a small cleansed rose quartz

-sage

-white thread and a needle

-4 mini bells and 2 small white buttons

-a palm sized selanite crystal ball

-and my mini cauldron

What i did:

First i carved the candles with intent and lit them, then i cut the felt into two matching circles, to be sewn together later. I put the smoldering sage leafs into the cauldron and placed the selanite sphere on top of them for a concentrated effect, then on top of that i placed the fabric circles and stone to be cleansed and half placed the lid on top to concentrate the smoke without extinquishing the small embers. ((I may have written on a small piece of paper a related sigil and burned it, then mixed those ashes with the smoldering sage, but i cant recall)) While waiting, I dripped a few drops of wax from each candle onto the rose quartz, as i dripped the wax i specified what each was for. i kept reiterating my intent throughout the spell phrasing it every way i could think of to be thorough (This charm will protect the wearer from malicious entities and keep away those who would will harm upon them, this charm will give the wearer confidence and strength to take care of themselves, etc). At this point i took the circles and began sewing it closed with the white thread, sewing in with it protections, 3/4ths done i stop and put the wax covered stone into the fabric and close it up. Then i add the 4 bells on the edges of the circle, evenly spaced, with the intent of using them as "on the go" cleansers and a sort of "activator" i guess you could say. Since bells and the like are frequently used as substitutes for incense cleansing i thought this would be inconspicuous and useful. (The wearer is a "muggle" you could say, and wouldnt be cleansing it or charging it so i tried to make it as self sustainable as i could) i also liked the idea of the sound waves carrying the spell outward, creating a bubble around the wearer? And then i added a white button to the center on both sides. I forget the original purpose for these, as i was kind of creating the spell as i went, but i also wanted it to look nice? I finished it off with a keychain ring sewed to it so she could wear it easily.

All in all it was a fairly quick spell, but it worked out really well until the felt fabric didnt quite hold under the stresses of everyday life, so i renewed the charm with some additions but i'll do that in a part two.

[resilientreader]

1-98 for asks like we did a million years ago, I dare you

i knew the MOMENT i saw the notif in my inbox that it was gonna be YOU pulling this shit and i crossed my fingers when actually clicking, HOPING i wouldnt have to answer all 98, maybe you’ll be tame this time, but no! this is what you’re doing to me. and ykno what, Fine. u dare me and i Will do it. i hope u rb the asks post so i can do it to u too, tho

1. coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars

3. bubblegum

4. that smart student who always read instead of actually paying attention

5. soda from glass cups is the best

6. its hard to just Decide between all these styles so ill say which one applies to mine most, which i Gotta say has to b preppy even if i want like goth or grunge to b mixed in

7. headphones

8. good omens, fmab, castlevania, uhhhh. those are just the ones ive watched so far this summer

9. my grandparents’ home. which is kinda weird but i have a lot of summer memories there

10. i sucked at like Everything in p.e., there Was no best

11. leftovers

12. i cant choose a favorite playlist?? /some/ of them, tho, are soar my ethereal heart, neither here nor there, mountainside storms, and sync of my heartbeat. so like any of my more recent ones

13. lanyard

14. i had to google a list for this bc honestly i always eat just chocolates but i like starburst

15. fahrenheit 451 was a rly fun read. ray bradbury’s writing gave me inspo for metaphors and writing and such and it was rly nice

16. sprawled across one of those comfy armchairs where i can swing my legs over one arm n lay my head on the other one

17. my black converse

18. cool temperature and rain without storms, or a cloudy day that lets me take a nice walk

19. on my side if i can but on my back otherwise

20. on my laptop, in google docs, to be more specific

21. winnie the pooh

22. idk?? i try not to look to just one person for a source of “this is how i should be”, so i guess,,,, a mix of family members and then a couple like more famous ppl??? which would basically consist of one of my aunts, my dad, and jenna marbles, to keep my Brain Process for role model stuff simplified

23. i dunno if any of the habits i have are strange?? i bounce my right leg and my right hand kinda. like. shakes when im nervous. i cant rly think of anything else i do tho i Know i probably have other habits

24. amethyst or pyrite

25. ur really just assuming my memory is good enough for this but if i had to say, it’d be any popular song from 2009 specifically

26. hide in my room with a fan and ac

27. read with a blanket wrapped around me or smth

28. atlas: six by sleeping at last, flaws by bastille, atlas: five by sleeping at last, she by dodie, and neptune by sleeping at last. there are probably more/better ones but those are the first ones i found

29. listen. be open with me. talk with me. not to sound like that person, but sharing ur life secrets is a rly big ice breaker for me because it helps let me know i can trust u. but also idk im a really awkward person and can accidentally distance myself from ppl so when ppl notice theres smth up w me or even do the bare minimum of doing Their part to maintain a friendship, that’s always rad as shit when idk how to communicate what i need

30. my room, my high school’s auditorium, the local barnes and noble

31. black boots, black jeans, any button-up shirt that’ll match that combination OR a really cool sweatshirt

32. im a bad bitch, you cant kill me. road work ahead? uh, i sure hope it does. it is wednesday, my dudes! welcome to chili’s. i love you, bitch, and i ain’t ever gonna stop loving you, bitch.

33. probably “omg” or “oh my god”

34. sc johnson. a family company.

35. i dont even have one but on a good night like 10-11

36. the troll face memes

37. suitcases feel much more organized

38. lemonade

39. lemon cake

40. ummmmm....one time a tech/theatre kid left a paint can sitting out in the open accidentally and a person took a shit in it or smth then knocked over the can, spilled a bunch of paint, and tried to clean it up w a broom and proceeded to like snap the broom in half. then they ran away to leave the kids to clean it up the next day. i wasnt actually there for that but ive heard the story firsthand enough times to Know

41. my dad

42. jacket pockets

43. hoodie is what i wear, tho everything else is Very Good

44. lavender

45. fantasy, my dudes

46. this set of pjs i got for xmas w a soft tshirt and matching baggy flannel pants

47. colby jack

48. uhhh a banana?? i could probably give a better answer if i was more

49. i dont rly live by a quote or saying, i just Go for it

50. my sister has probably done smth before to like Break me

51. everything ever but mostly myself

52. arial

53. uhhh...kinda worn? my nails aren’t doin so good and i have a couple scratches and stuff that Still havent healed after a few weeks

54. get a move on

55. the ugly duckling

56. tradition is kinda vague but i like that it became tradition for me and my siblings to go to my grandparents’ home every summer

57. i think im still overcoming like everything ive been faced with ever

58. writing? listening, helping, giving advice. idk tbh like talents who?

59. "jesus christ, my dude”

60. a fantasy/comedy, or at least if its gonna be fantasy with death and stuff, it should be dope as fuck

61. "isn’t vulnerability the opposite of being in control?” from a webcomic called aerial magic. super simple but the entire scene leading up to it,,,,,so good

62. umm fuck! i dont kno whether favs r usually ones that i relate to or ones that i wanna b like but??? keith from voltron, jirou from bnha, chromedome and/or rewind from transformers/mtmte, sypha from castlevania, and jayfeather from warriors

63. planetary (go!) by mcr, the seed by aurora, hayloft by mother mother, the cup/halloween blues from relient k, choke by i dont know how but they found me

64. coolmath was THE shit

65. yes! two on my leg from a surgery i had to get to realign my femur, bc i snapped the bone in half

66. lavender, snowdrops, hibiscus

67. i dont really have any, mostly bc i have a hard time attaching like. That sorta meaning to just random objects, but i do still have a small teddy bear stashed safely away in my room from when i was a little babee

68. pickle-flavored pringles. disgusting. would not recommend

69. lions’ roars can be heard up to 5 miles away from the original source

70. right handed

71. horizontal stripes, i guess? there’s not much wrong with them but i just Never wear them

72. math

73. i dont usually eat /weird/ flavor combos, even tho ill eat basically anything, but i like ketchup in mac and cheese sometimes. or fries in shakes. chicken and waffles. stuff like that

74. 11

75. idek honestly, my memory is too bad

76. hashbrowns

77. i dont kno a Lot of plants off the top of my head other than the Basic ones but literally any flower in a windowsill is like bone apple teeth in my mind

78. sushi from a grocery store. publix taught me that grocery stores can, in fact, be trusted when needed

79. my school id photo

80. earth tones

81. fireflies

82. pc

83. writing

84. talk radio is nostalgic but podcasts are always more entertaining to actually listen to

84. polly pocket

85. mythology with a dash of fairytales

86. cupcakes, because of my dog’s name

87. abandonment

88. to grow unbreakable attachments with everyone i care very deeply about and grow into an old age with them, or something

89. i feel like answering this question totally honestly would hurt ppl’s feelings, but also i literally could think of like 4 people to put down for this and i’m bad at deciding, esp w smth like this, so. not to b vague but These People kno who they are

90. becoming a part of a certain website with a bad crowd and managing to pick out the good apples in such a rotten batch

91. boxes

92. lamps /and/ fairy lights

93. i dont rly have any but my parents call me hannah banana. that’s ab it, tho

94. fall/winter? it kinda is inconsistent because fall has bad weather in florida but winter is when like everything has Gone Wrong in life these past few years, but then fall has such a GOOD aesthetic and my birthday is in winter, so they’re pretty even rn

95. uhhh??? thats such a weird thing, to try and assign a “favorite” app, but the only thing i could think to say would be spotify just bc i use it so much on my phone, even if the app itself isnt the greatest

96. i havent set one, actually, bc im lazy and havent found anything that’d fit

97. 2 and a half

98. the part where fish were learning that they could walk on land

[wereikonics]

kimhanbin appreciation thread

@/bianxstan on Twitter - 2:45 PM - 1 Dec 2018

This is to celebrate today. I've been wanting to do this for the longest time and I couldn't let today pass without doing so. 

It all started with this photo. Back then, we were filled w/ uncertainties. We didn't know what would happen to #iKON

But despite the hurt, you remained grateful for the chance to stand on stage. "I'm glad to have performed without any regrets. We'll keep working hard… At this moment, right now, I feel like all 11 of us are winners. Thank you." - Kim Hanbin 2013

~

When everything was falling apart, you were the pillar that held #iKON together. You fully understand that your strength was your team’s strength. Not one stage of M&M was subpar. You held all despair in your heart & put your team first even when everyone else tore you apart.

~

"For me, the members are more like family that are indispensable" - Kim Hanbin You’ve carried your brothers on your shoulders all these years. Your members feel apologetic but you’ve never understood why when all you’ve wanted was for all of you guys to debut together. 

Caption for gif: Kim Hanbin stands smiling with a white snapback on. He sports a white t-shirt and chain necklace with a opened white button down on top.  On top of his head are the words “The Leader” with various quotes from his team members around him. Counterclockwise they read 

“It must have been really tough for him”- Junhoe

“If it wasn’t for B.I, I wouldn't be here” - Bobby

“B.I is the best leader in the world” - Jinhwan

“B.I’s leadership is what got us to this point” - Yunhyeong

~

We all thought that debuting was haven for all of us. But when the universe tested your foundation, you stood firm with the rest of #iKON and persevered. "It's 3:30AM. I'm reaching my limit, but people don't die of sleeping less." - Hanbin

~

You know the capabilities of your members. When hard times swallowed your members w/ insecurities, you were the voice that brought them back to reality even if you're probably breaking too. "There's nothing impossible in this world. If you're willing to do it, you'll succeed."

~

You're capable of breaking your members apart, but you are also the only person they trust to build them up. Even during iKON’s worst moments, your belief in ur members never faltered. “we've got more bullets to reload and there is no tree that won't fall if we hit it enough."

~

“Although #iKON had fallen down before, we didn’t stop there and stood up again. We are like moving water, firmly overcoming all those obstacles. It will be good if we face the world optimistically in the future. Let’s not get sick & be happy. I love you.” 

~

You’re the leader because you earned it. Your selflessness was nourishment to your members. Your protection was their shield. In return, they stand behind you, lifting you up as you walk this journey together.

Citing Tweets in case pictures are unavailable 

@ikonnieecha on Twitter

“For me, this is perhaps one of the most powerful photos of iKON from the Asian Games. 

Hanbin taking a bow in the middle of the six souls he has carried on his shoulders for 5 years since climax. 

You've carried your brothers far, son. Look how they protect you. “ - From @/ikonnieecha on Twitter

~

W/ each award, the members stood proud behind you with their chins held high. It’s not out of arrogance but of pride. Bec as you stand on that stage for an honorable award, you, the members & everyone else know that you got there by hard work & w/o compromising who you guys are.

~

Whenever you get the chance to stand at the top, you always remember those people who pushed you higher. The people who were there when the darkness dominated. The people who have no voice as loud as yours. You stand on top and you bring everyone else along with you. 

Citing Tweets in case pictures are unavailable

PAULA‏ @bianxstan 1 Dec 2018

PAULA Retweeted K

You know what's beautiful about Kim Hanbin? He's solely awarded for this award but he credited all those people who took him to that stage. He took iKON with him, his co-composers and the fans who support him. You've done, well KIM HANBIN. Well deserved! #iKONonMMA2018

K‏ @k8indaeyo 1 Dec 2018

hanbin: hello, i am this year’s songwriter, B.I. to be honest, i think this is a very honorable award for me and I didn’t expect it at all so thank you so much. for us to get our songs, I got lot of help by other composers and YG so I want to thank them +  

also I want to thank raesung and sungjae for making love scenario happen, we did it guys. annnnd if it wasnt for ikonic, i wouldnt have made music, let alone get this award. it is certain that it is because of u guys that we are here and that we are able to make music. thank you

(Hanbin’s Melon Music Awards Songwriter of the Year 2018 Speech)

“We will always look up to you guys from a low place. Please be happy.” -Hanbin Acceptance speech ‘Best Musician’ You don’t realize that the words you utter elevates you higher. You don’t realize how many people look up to you because you've always set yourself at a lower place.

~

I don’t think you’ll ever realize it because you’ve always looked at us at eye level. Believe me, #KimHanbin, the more eyes you meet in this lifetime, the more people you gather to raise you and your members higher. And we’ll all do it out of love and not out of obligation.

~

We've only started, #iKON I hope only better days come along our way. We'll still be here even if the sun don't shine anymore, at the same place and with the same heart that we started this journey together.

PAULA‏ @bianxstan 1 Dec 2018

Who would've thought that the kids who once lost the chance to debut 5 years ago will receive the Song of the Year award today with their leader as the songwriter of the year. #iKON #iKONonMMA2018

~

Today, as you receive the greatest award of your career, you’ve thanked everyone else. I don’t remember you or the members thanking yourselves for finding the will to continue despite the mountainous waves that crushed you.

~

“the word happiness is too vague so I hope you guys feel that it’s worth living everyday” — kim hanbin 2018

I know you’re able to say this out of experience. As we watch you wade through the vagueness of happiness, I hope that you find a bit of this feeling through us, #iKONICS.

~

Because for all this time, you (#iKON) guys are our source of clarity in times that we doubt ourselves. You are our inspiration to work harder and to push a little harder. Because if you guys didn't break during adversities, then we, #iKONICS, shall not break.

~

There is no more need to apologize. Because as you guys overflooded the teapot and left it empty, you gave both of us the chance to fill it again. When the industry runs cold, we’ll be the fire that will heat you up again and again. Always.

Tweet Citation   

K‏ @k8indaeyo

full trans of iKON’s speech for song of the year MMA 2018

hanbin: hello, we are iKON that sang song of the year. to be honest there are so many people that we’re thankful to, and we cannot name all of them here so we will contact them separately. however, we want to thank with our whole hearts to iKONIC, that we cant contact separately. as i said before, it is certain that the ones that made this award possible which is like a miracle and made this miracle moment possible is iKONIC.

always like this, i want to say thank you and sorry to iKONICs that acted as a shield for iKON that are hit with waves, without reasons and limits. we tried to put the ocean in a little teapot. however when we tried, it overflowed and nothing was left in the teapot. we will try to be a group that can put just some tea in a teapot and just have small talk with. we received this award in our hands but we give it to iKONICs that love and protect us. thank you 

'Take the good things as memories, the bad things as experiences' - #KimHanbin 

This is our leader's back who turned all experiences as their training ground. This is the back that protected his team from hateful stones. This is the back that sits tall overnight for his members.

~

As #iKON reaches greater heights, Hanbin will stand there at the pinnacle w/ his members beside him as equals. They’ll stand together at the top bec it was in each other's arms that got them through their downfalls & it’ll be in the same set of arms that they’ll revel in success.

~

Thank you, #iKON. Thank you for this journey. Let's walk slowly in this flower road and last for a really long time.

~

Disclaimer: All translations and photos belong to their rightful owners. 

All in quotations were said by KIM HANBIN 

Some photos are ss myself, some I found. 

I tagged those who I know and left all @ exposed by ss. 

Thank you for reading! 

Today is a good day.  

@/bianxstan on Twitter

~

Hanbin's birthday (2018) appreciation thread here:

https://wereikonics.tumblr.com/post/184637310468/hanbins-birthday-2018-appreciation-thread

[theday]

hide and seek, fireworks, my style, coloured, your love, dream might (romantic or platonic? i love options), i'll be there, because it's you ((((:, you smile, with you, and better with you!!!!

thank you so much for aksing falen i love these and it also got super long lmao rip

Hide & Seek: what’s the first thing you notice when you meet someone new?

in real life, its probably their shoes/socks?????? LMAO and then their appearance but im trying 2 not let their appearance stop me from becoming friends with them :-o

online, i usually??? read ppl’s abouts first???? but idk like when it comes to actually talking to them i guess itd be their typing style?? and their use of emojis/the gif function (jenny) helps me to assess them although i do know that the way they type =/= how they are as a person but thats just what i notice first

Fireworks: name something astro’s done that has made your heart explode

falen u rly had 2 do it to me? ????? but hrm…. whenever they post selcas and when they just laugh every time myungjun laughs thats the shit that gets me the most bc its so/???? pur??e??? i love them a lot theyre always so happie and theyre all smiles every time they do a vlive it makes me happie

My Style: what do you usually wear out?

clothes not 2 sound like a loner but. i rarely go outside bc i only go outside when my family eat out and thats only on like weekends and if im hanging out with pals so i always get the chance to wear the same shirt, shorts and shoes lmao 

but its a black cat shirt (used to be a button up thing but singapore is 2 hot 4 me) and blue shorts and white converse 

Coloured: favourite MV aesthetic? 

ok real talk all of their mvs are so pretty and everything??? but my favourite has to be baby or csc

Your Love: top three astro songs

o w0rm

again

confession

every minute 

Dream Night: describe a dream date with anyone

idk?? smth ive always wanted 2 do with anyone is just walk through a park or just walk when the weather is not 2 hot or 2 cold (ike what binuki did in their recent vlive) 

if we’re getting more romantic mayb just??? cuddling???? idk i rly cant see this happening tbh 

I’ll Be There: fave astro vlive you’d watch over and over again?

but theres so many :-( but possibly all of eunwoo’s just 10 minutes with binnie :-0 the shrek vlive with the ice cream made me laugh so hard though mmMM

Because It’s You: why do you love your astro bias?

ur rly gna make me do all 6 members falen??????? ill try 2 keep it short

myungjun; binnie said he was sure mj wouldnt make it into astro and im assuming its because he was the one who was a trainee the shortest but??? look at him now with his strong vocals and even stronger personality!!! astro mightve done fine without mj but listen.. their vlives, appearance on variety shows, etc. would never be able to be as funny because mj is the reason for everyones laughter and it makes me so happy??? mj has that ability to crack anybody up with his laugh and the shit he says and does is so funny too pleaseth and i just?? appreciate mj for being there so fucking  much because he really resolves any tension in the atmosphere so easily and as the oldest member im so glad to see he doesnt find anything awkward AND despite the age gap between him and sanha, theyre like the closest?? lets not forget on that one radio thing yesterday they (astro) were asked who they were most comfy with in the dorm and 3/5 answered myungjun :_) im just happy myungjun exists? thank u mj i love u mister 777

PARK JINWOO; jinjin is the one of the sweetest leaders out there and i know every group has a great leader but jinjin is really that leader to me because as the rest of astro have mentioned before, jinwoo really buys them shit and they have said that he is the sweetest?? remember in the fan made fanmeeting i dont know what its called but i linked it and just??? jinjin is literally an angel!!! the one vlive he did with dogs? my heart melted off!!!!!! he really went and learnt the names of all the dogs present in the dog cafe!!!! he stopped the black dog which was biting hard on the table bc he was scared it’d injure itself/get in trouble and just??? jinwoo is so fucking nice just ??? if u look in the dictionary park jinwoo will appear as a synonym believe me ok and jinjin is part of dance line everybody lets not forget that he dances to release stress and that amaizng intro to again he did with rocky for their dream pt2 showcase because that was fucking so ?? i love talent and! AND i will never shut up but as a leader jinwoo takes care of his members so much and he also knows how to have fun with them and he jsut!!!!! i love him a lot

cha! eu! nwoo! (dongmin); i know 4 a fact that this will get so long lmao rip but first i just wanted to say that i am so proud of dongmin and how far he has come as a dancer and vocalist in astro ok so obviously i dont know the real hard facts tm and i can never tell the difference in anything so i dont know how accurate i really am but last year (and even now) i know eunwoo had a lot of personal schedules and he barely had time to practice? ?? i really dont know but im p sure that was it???? idk but dongmin has had to work so hard the whole of last year with the amount of comebacks astro did and i jus??? im so proud of eunwoo for being able to work hard for astro and still attend all those other schedules at the same time??? like i said idk how much time he did have/didnt have but i know it mustve been little with how late it would be whenever he arrived back at the dorm after his stuff and??? eunwoo had to practice his lines and the dance (astro’s choreography looks hard as shit and its tiring too) in time for their comeback promotions ??? and!! dongmin used to be that member (now its all of astro) who would constantly do vlives for arohas and lets not forget his just one 10 minutes where he would do vlives that were always over 10 minutes where he just talks to fans im eternally grateful for all the work dongmin puts in for astro and arohas and im sure he puts in more than 100% effort when it comes to his personal schedules too!!!! dongmin deserves the best and ive seen someone say b4 that he’d probably feel bad if he had more lines bc he was already “stealing” the spotlight by being a “face genius” and i just!! youre righ??t???? eunwoo is incredibly selfless and its easy 2 assume these kinda things tbh lee dongmin is so much more than his face and visuals he is a hardworker and!!! he loves his members and fans so damn much im !!! i love eunwoo so much i hope he knows how much we love him 

binnie; god with bin there isnt somethiing that made me love him??? all he did was go :) and my brain decided i was gonna love him forever ok but……hrm….. i guess i love him because hes such a dork?? like. .. when he laughs he just snorts and its so funny lmao i believe bin’s a good friend too well no shit ?? uMMm moon bin has a cute smile yall…… whenever he smiles my heart explodes hes just that powerful and also!!! bin has been a trainee for 7 years now and im just !! he made it!! like what the post i reblogged earlier said, he probably had other dreams but he still stuck with being an idol ??? in the end and that !!! im sad he didnt get to pursue the things he couldve liked better but im also happy hes managed to find a dream he likes and that hes basically living the dream right now??? and im so happy for him because 7 years may not be a lot to some but bin’s still young his childhood was basically training??? im just!!!!!!!!!!! so proud of him and now hes on the same kind of music shows his faves are on too nd it makes me rly proud (idk any other words my vocabulary is so fucking weak oh my god) he is having the time of his life with astro and arohas right now im so glad i forgot what i wanted 2 say im sorry bin i did u dirty im2 tense rn but i love u and i love bin bc of how much hes done and the amt of scarifies he has 2 have made in order 2 get 2 where he is tdy 

rocky swag (minhyuk); minhyuk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love him because !! hes so awkward but he tries his best for arohas!!!!!!!!!! in that first vlive he did alone he was so nervous but he managed to warm up and in the next vlive he did alone he did something that he was comfortable with (dance) and im glad he’s able to do vlives normally now even if there isnt any recent solo vlives i can see how much more comfortable he is on vlive now !!!!!! my love for minhyuk is similar to bin’s bc all he did was smile and suddenly????? im in love???? its the swag lmao but seriousy tho after finding out rocky did all sorts of dance i found him really??? respectable??? because he was able to learn so many types of dance and isnt that the coolest thing ever???? lets not forget how well he can sing???? im happy and so proud (jesus) that he sang on the recent album since previously he said that he didnt hvae any plans of singing in the albums so!!!! now!! hes singing!!!!!!!!!!! although the songs dont do him justice tbh its ok we all know how lovely he sounds when he sings especially in the binuki vlive where he sang wyls i swer my ear drums were blessed?? park minhyuk can do anything get urself a legend like rocky so basiclaly i love rocky aka park minhyuk bc hes just!!!!! outstanding???? hes handsome, he can dance really fucking well, he can sing and rap !!!!!!!!!!!!! and?? hes just a fool??? he’s warming up to doing vlives and just being himself and its the greatest thing ever i love him a lot

sanha; YOON SANHA!!!!!!!!! Love of my LIFE the baby i will protect for the rest of my LIFe??????? he is DAT boi .. the boy i love so much with my whole heart!! sanha is so cute and he just!! hes always making fun and bullying the older members i love it so much but ofc everyones weak 4 sanha bc b*tch is 2 cute honestly can relate if sanha punched or stole my money ill let him off bc hes just that cute . lets not forget he learnt how 2 play the guitar all by himslef jae is shaking ok and sanha is such a nice voice?????? every time he screams i lose my hearing its ok id do anything 4 this boy???? and to think hes only (1) year older than me is kinda??? wowie???? sanha is rly out here being a superstar and a student @ the same time and hes doing an awesome job @ being amazing !!! sanha is so cute and just?????? he loves his other members and family so much i love sanha a lot and i hope nobody will ever make him cry (sad tears) bc i will personally go to that person and we’ll have a nice chat :-) i cant think of anything atm but sh loves arohas so much and hes always doing aegyo 4 us idk its just . … thakn u young prince

You Smile: name three things that have made you smile in the past week

ok easy

mx comeback

daily astro vlives (its okay if they dont do vlives everyday they have 2 rESt)

becoming friends with lovely mbbs :_) 

with you: talk about a mutual without using their name

how long is this answer gonna be oh w0rm.. but here we go this is abt someone who ive never talked about but do talk 2 p often and theyre the other online person i am most comfortable with talking 2!!!!! 

theyre great tbh and rly good @ art and i know theyve gone through so many shit things in their life but im so glad theyre still hanging on even if their sleep schedule is totally wack still love u tho lmao at least theyre getting more than enough sleep!! theyre cute when they see sanha and it makes me soft seeing them go soft bc theyre never that warm??? when it comes 2 other ppl (kihyun crying) and im just so glad i managed to help them get (further) into astro!! being able to talk to somebody about astro has helped me so much and then i became friends with jen but im still so thankful to have a friend like [redacted] and im happy we’re friends!!!!!!!! i love them so much and i hope their days are filled with happiness even if it doesnt last for long i hope they have at least (1) happy time each day bc they deserve the BEST!!!!!!!!!!! 

even when i was still a young myday they helped me by providing links and everything just telling me where everything was and i was so :_) bc!!! they !! a bigger account was helping me someone who didnt even have 20 followers at that time and without them i wouldve never found anything tbh!!! even now when im the one whos been into astro longer, they still manage to find things so much faster than me and imlike?????? wow thats amaizng???? theyre amazing and i appreciate their presence on my tl/dash and in my dms so much thats one of the reasons why i thought they were older bc of how mature and just?? the older vibe they gave off was strong with they way they help people and whenever they comment on my tweets or someone else’s tweets im like !!!!!!!!! you’re doing amazing sweetie 

theyre so easy to talk to and even though our humor was something i thought was very different we manage to make each other laugh so much and i jsut!!! happiness!!!!!!! 

ok this was abt bell and i dnt think they’ll ever see this but if u do i love u a lot bell thank u for being alive ur so funnie and cute just thank u so mch!!! for everything

better with you: your favourite memory related to astro?

every time i watch them on vlive live i get so happy and thats my favourite memory

[tijuana-blues]

I waited until i got to work to type this.

The end of this month crosses the 1 year mark. only one year ago my world was completely different, and on the Verge of Collapse. A little backstory is needed before i continue.

Yesterday was a normal Tuesday for me. Work didnt stress me, no problems arose. My parents texted me and my brother to eat steak for Dinner. The Food was delicious, and i was preparing to head home, hit a Nice Big Dab, play a round of Smite, and hit the sack, seeing as how i hadnt slept in over 24 hours, and the only thing fueling me was the Gram of Coke i bought on Monday lol.

So as i Get up to Put away my dishes and say goodbye, i get a FaceBook Message. Its my Cousin, Isaiah.

He says he got into an Argument with his dad and got kicked out. He needed somewhere to sleep for the night. 

Sure, I tell him. I cant just ignore him if he has nowhere to go. He meets me at my house 5 Minuets later with a backpack full of beer, a bottle of Vodka, and half a loaf of bread and sandwhich meats. My Cousin is crazy lmao, he has the Apache Blood in him more than me. Anyway, since hes staying, i ask if he can find some Wax, so i wouldnt be taking from my Brothers Stash. We meet up a half hour later and pick it up.

so were in my garage, passing the rig back and forth while i Showed him how Smite Worked. And then suddenly he pulls a rolled up baggie out his pocket.

A rolled white Baggie full of powder.

“well we can finish this off, then. since youre letting me Crash here.”

Im not one to ask for payment to crash at my place, but i wasnt gonna say no either lol.

he pours it out on the glass i had been using myself and began to chop it fine with the razor blade i used too.

i had taken a couple pretty good sized dabs in quick order, so i was pretty toasted when he handed me the glass and rolled up dollar. I only saw the 2 lines he had cut on it, so i just assumed he cut two for both of us and i was going first. So i just aim the dollar at the line on the right and Snort away, dragging the dollar quickly, then my Nostril Burst into Flame. I had made a mistake, he cut one line for Me from the PILE on the left.

The PILE i just Tornado’ed up my nose, and was now drinking water to keep my throat from going numb from the river of coke mucus running down it.  I hear my Cousin laughing next to me.

“youre a maniac, Cuz! you railed that whole Fat ass pIle!”

Well Fuck. so much for sleeping. Lighting Coursed through my Veins 5 minuets later, and i started drinking Beers to fight the Drip.

Now Isaiah told me that it was Good Shit, but i hardly take his word for it Nowadays. hes off mark most of the Time. Not this time, Though.

15 Minutes Later im Chainsmoking Cigarettes out front of my Driveway Drinking beer and my Jaw was shaking in my Head.

You know its  Good Shit when it makes someone who spent the last 24 hours doing Coke often, gives him the Jabber Jaw.

me and Isaiah just began to talk bullshit into the NIght. at Around Midnight he was talking about a girl he knew for awhile now liking him. And him liking her too but he didnt think a Relationship would be good at the Time.

Then Youre Face appeared in my Head. Like it always does. I havent Gone a day yet where i dont see you in my head.

I dont know what caused this, Perhaps it was the Coke in my System with the Beer. Or Maybe it made me finally push past my Insecurities.

i Began to talk about how i Felt the Same, how i couldnt really talk to other women or really want to because of the Luggage i was Still Carrying with My Ex, Maria.

And from there i began to talk and Talk and Talk. I couldnt Stop, the Words i had been saying in my head Every day this Past Year came out.  I sat in my Garage all night Long, Until 5:00 AM, Talking to Isaiah About Her.

I didnt hold back, and surprised myself as my eyes stayed dry and my Voice Stone Cold.

I told HIm about How every Woman i ever Dated All Cheated on Me and Left me without a Second Glance.  About How My First Girlfriend Megan roped me into a 3 year Lie and ruined my trust in people. I talked about how the girls i dated afterwards all did the same thing, and how i wished i was joking to him.

I told him about how i blamed myself for each failed relationship, and how id spend nights trying to figure out a way to fix myself. How i felt like i wasnt meant to be Happy with anyone and how i stuffed it all down deep and dealt with it only in my most private moments.

...And Then i told him about How I Met her in my Junior Year of High School. The Class was Anatomy, a class full of 24 teenagers with the worlds Laziest Teacher. It was the First Day, and I walked in to a semi empty classroom with kids walking around, picking out a seat for the rest of the semester. the desks all faced forward, in groups of twos in four rows across. I took a seat on the outside Left side around the Middle. I just dropped my Bag and sat in my Seat, waiting for the class to start, checking my phone every now and Again. 

And the seats began to fill up, the Desk next to me taken by a Tall Nerdy looking kid with blonde hair and Garth Glasses, A KId i Befriended. Daniel Butttruck. Thats not how you spell the last name but thats how it sounds lol. So i named him Butt Truck and thats his name to this day lol. 

The Chair in front of Daniel on the right was taken by a Friend of Daniels, A glasses clad Girl name Aly, And all you need to know about her is that she has a IQ just North of a Bedroom Slipper.

And lastly, A Girl In crutches slowly approached the chair in front of me, and slid into the Chair as the class started. She had a big black velcro Boot strapped to her Leg, and it stuck out into the walkway on our left a bit. She had Dark Hair that was cut into a really cute short style. At first i didnt really notice her until a few weeks into the semester where the Teacher flipped the front two desks around, making Pods of 4. So Now She Faced me and Aly faced Dan on the right. 

Thats When i noticed her.

She had Brown Eyes that shone slightly, like Fine Wood Tarnished to a Dark Brown Mixed with Lighter Browns. Her nose was a small little Button Nose between her prominent Cheekbones that raised when she smiled. She didnt Wear much Makeup, or at least looked like she didnt. I remember to this day about how i would see her smile and laugh a bit as we all got comfortable as a group, me cracking Jokes and being dumb some days, with Days. As time passed i began to Notice her more. I began picking her out in the hallways as i walked to class. Sometimes I would say Hi and see her reaction.She was like me in some ways, wasnt a morning person, and had the same sense of Humor. I remember the time Dan Told us about how he Broke his Leg at Blizzcon.

Yeah, if youre not 12 years old, Dan was the Kid who Broke his Leg in like 2006 at Blizzcon Dancing like a Zombie. He was on Tosh.O or was going to be? ill ask him next time i see him lol. Anyway, hes telling us this story and Maria and I are Freaking Out because we realized he is Internet Famous, and Laughed Like Crazy.

Soon enough, I went from saying hi when i saw her to stopping by her morning class to say hi and chat, since my morning class was down the hall from hers, then sometimes wed walk toward our next class. Mind You, i Was a Junior at 17-going on 18, and Maria was two years younger than me. I never tried to flirt with her, but i enojoyed talking to her. I remember clearly One Winter Morning as i walked in from the Bus Lanes to my Morning Government Class, I see her standing by her Morning classroom, i dont remember what it was. She had her phone and was tapping away on it. I quickened my Pace as i passed her, and called out, “Maria!” she popped her head up and looked at me, and i Flipped her off. She gave a look of Confusion and laughed, walking into her classroom as the bell rang. I remember giggling to myself as i sat down, then asking myself, “Why the fuck did i do that for?? Idiot!”

That was the beginning of my Senior Year, Graduated 2011. We didnt have much contact after i Graduated, while i did the little schooling i did do, and work at that God Awful Produce Factory that first year out of High School.It wasnt until about a year or so later, when i started my job at Wal-Mart and Moved in with Christian. i remember it being Spring When i Saw Her Again. I Was collecting carts to put back in the cart corral, when i heard a Girls Voice Call my Name out in the Parking Lot.

I look out towards Barros Pizza in the plaza and i saw her Again.

It was a Bright Sunny Day, Not too Hot yet in the Summer. Her Hair had grown a bit longer, but still had its shape. She wore a Bright Yellow SunDress with Sunflowers on it. I remember how Cute i thought it was on her. I remember this moment so clearly because it was in that moment i felt something inside my heart. Like a Spark running through it.

I smiled and walked out to meet her, she had two of her other friends with her, they had been eating at Barros. Maria Hugged me and Asked me how i had been, and i told her about how i started working there and i live on my own now, looking into colleges. We chatted for a few minutes before i had to go back to work. I asked for her number to text with and, she walked off. As i went back inside i remember the times in Anatomy with our little group, and how i used to enjoy chatting with her. it also made me Remember the day i flipped her off, Years ago. As i lay down in bed that night, I remember thinking of her and telling myself, “you know, i think she would be an awesome Girlfriend.”

Months Passed and i hadnt had much Contact with Maria. I had my own problems at the time and i remember that period of my life to be so unstable i didnt want to date a girl and Live there lol. But i would text her every now and then and wed talk for a bit. I remember her dating someone at the time, and living with them. One Night in Particular I noticed she was posting on Tumblr and it seemed like she was Upset. So i Texted her and asked if she was doing alright. She said she was fine, but shes too much like me, i say that just to get people to leave me alone. I text back that she can talk or vent to me, that i didnt mind. And she did. She began to talk about her Relationship with her BF and how they rarely see each other because of work schedules and School. She told me she was thinking of just packing her things and leaving while he was at work. I told her, “Do what you have to do. if you arent happy, why are you there?”

i texted about a week or so later. She left him. She Began talking about moving to Portland With a Friend, and Getting out of AZ. I remember being bummed out at the news, my feelings for her had began to grow. I decided to step away for awhile, let those feelings go away. It must have been around 3 or  4 months later, or longer? But anyway, i see her posting on Tumblr Again, and i send her a DM asking how shes been, and if she moved to Oregon. She replied back and said her Friend Flaked, and that she really didnt want to go anyway. She says to text her, and i Ask for her Number Again. 

From then on, we talked semi often every couple days, more and more often as time passes. Finally, one Day i ask her to hangout sometime, go to the arcade, play air hockey. We had been talking pretty often by then, but no obvious flirting or anything. We meet up at the arcade and we take turns playing different games, Giant Connect Four, Air Hockey, Ticket Games. She bought me a little T rex with her tickets, i named him Revan. Then we just sat on a couch and People watched those who walked in. I remember feeling her arm against mine as we sat together, and Me leaning in Quickly and kissing her cheek, and Seeing her Smile.

About 4 or 5 more little Dates Later, I ask her if she would be serious, because i wanted to be.

Her Face Brightened as i saw her give the biggest Smile i ever seen from her, and she said Yes.

I told Isaiah how as the first year passed, i had been drunk off the happiness i had at the time. As i learned more about Maria, the more attractive she was to me. She is unlike any woman ive ever met before, or have met since. I told him about how i talked about her to my friends all the time, how smart she was, how she volunteered at a Funeral Home Embalming Bodies and playing with Corpses like a Badass. 

Then came my 22nd Birthday, on the first year we were dating in 2014. I didnt even want a present from her, she was all i wanted any day. I dont know why i never told her things like that. She Baked me Fudge Brownies after work on the week of my birthday, and i was more than happy.

Then she pulled a box out of Nowhere, Smiled That Warm Smile i Had come to Adore, and Said “Happy Birthday Babe!”

Before that Moment, i Cant recall a time that i was genuinely Surprised like that. I remember the words stopping in my throat and jumbled with the ones i had tried to say Next. Genuine Excitement as i opened the Long Brown Box. I opened the top flap and pulled the Styrofoam Casing to the Rectangle stick inside, Bright White with a Black Line going Down along the Length of it. And inbetween the space in the Line at the Hilt, Was the Red and White Sigil of the Uchiha.  

A fucking Uchiha Sword! Like i was in actual Disbelief when i Realized. And what i explain next i never told anyone other than Isaiah that night.

I had to Try my Hardest to keep from Crying in that moment. Not because i loved the Gift she had gotten me, and how she made it a surprise, Something no one has done for me before. 

It was because i remember a couple weeks before,as we scrolled Netflix one evening, i Saw Naruto on the list. I geeked out and asked you if you ever watched it, and began geeking out about it to her. I Made her watch some of my favorite episodes, and she would playfully Tease me about it. As My birthday neared, i came home from work one day to watch some Naruto Myself, and Booted up Netflix.

Someone went about 4 episodes ahead of where we Left off Last. I was at Work, and it was her Netflix Account. She actually started watching it because of how much i told her i liked it. Then She picked out something SHE thought i would like, instead of asking what I wanted like My Lazy Ass does.

No one had ever shown interest in Me like that before, and it touched me right in that moment. I blocked all emotion and was all smiled as i Hugged her Maria and told her how much i loved it. That thing was glued to my hip for like 2 months straight, i would get high after work and watch old Samurai and Ninja Movies, and act out the sword fighting with it. I even slept with it for the first Week.

In the days after that, i saw Maria in a whole new Light. I always knew the Maria who had her walls up to Anyone, the “i really dont care,” attitude she had when she was grumpy in the mornings. I got a glimpse at the Maria That was Behind that wall, The Real Maria.

Who Was sweet, considerate, and Generous. Loving and who could make me laugh.

Ever since that i saw that small glimpse of Her, My heart swelled and pumped blood thrice as hard, and my hands would shake and my mouth would get dry.

I was Falling in Love with you.

Hours have Passed, its Around 2 AM. The Line of Coke has me at Full Speed still, having plenty to say still. Isaiah just sits and drinks, giving the odd acknowledgement every couple of Sentences.

The months after my Birthday have passed, and things seem great between Maria and I. If i only knew what i know now.....

If i had just Put more Faith in You, and in my Heart. It Kills me to know how things would be if i had just manned up and told you how you made me feel....

After the first year, the strain began. We both worked. I had the accounting Job with the Contracting Company, and Maria was Working at a local Kids clothing store, and Volunteered at the Funeral Home, Along with her classes, AND she tutored.

i understood she had a full plate alot of the the time, not to mention the headaches and pains she would have. And that time of the month the poor girl was in pain Constantly.  So i didnt get upset or mad when she didnt have time to visit or was too tired from work. we were always talking.

But eventually the Strain and My past would come to Signal the End. it was August, 2015. My brother had fallen Behind on his Mortage Payments on his house, and needed to make a payment ASAP or he would lose the House. Naturally i gave him all the spare cash i could to keep a roof over our heads.

Unfortunately, It left me Penniless during the Month of August, which Marias Birthday was in.  I Felt Like Complete Shit but i was in a corner. I apologized to her and promised to make it up to her. It wasnt a big deal to her, but i just hated that it made me look like i dont give a shit. 

I had an Ace an hole, Though. i Saved a link to a site that makes Custom Rings that Maria had posted in Tumblr that she really liked and wanted. I ordered it and did it early enough to get it before Christmas.  It was already Too Late.

Maria was beginning to grow distant, not replying as soon or as often before. the replies getting shorter and shorter, the tone colder and colder. As we approached My birthday again, I plan a Group event with my friends and family, cause last year we went Paintballing and Maria wasnt there, she had work and class.

So im thinking of what i could do for a group, and i see that Charlie Murphy is doing a show ON my Birthday, a Friday! It was Perfect. I called and Reserved seats for everyone, ordered Bottle Service, i was so excited!

I texted Maria Telling her About the Comedy show and Date of My Birthday. She says she cant make it cause of work, she gets off at around 12. I was Bummed, but I understood. 

The Big Day comes and it starts off great. Work was a Breeze, and Maria greeted me with a Warm Happy Birthday first. As the day progressed Everything seemed Normal. As evening sets, we all get ready to go to the show. 8 o clock, Showtime!

it was a Fantastic Show, me and all my Friends and Family drinking and Laughing our Asses off. The only thing missing was Maria. I texted her before the show saying id text her after it was over. it woulda been near to midnight, and she coulda met up with us. The show ends around 1040, and the manager says we can finish off the bottles in the bar. Me and my Friends stay, and start getting Tanked. 

Midnight Comes, and i text Maria asking if she was off yet and if she wanted to come meet us. Time passes, and no reply.

she probably went home and crashed, she was probably tired, I think, as it wasnt Abnormal for her to Nap during the Day or whenever she could. So i check Facebook, and it Hits me.

A friend Tagged her and some friends at Westgate, not Long ago.

My heart Goes into FreeFall in My stomach.

Why would she be at Westgate After work? did she Ignore my Text...? why...?

My insecurites flared, and i assumed the worst. I remember everything going Quiet around me, My heart Hammering in my chest, blocking out all other noise.

i Shouldve just called. i Shouldve had more Faith in you, and what i Meant to you.

When every girl you date cheats on you and leaves, in a Row, it was hard not to assume the worst, when the worst is what always happens to you.

I remember the tears welling up in my eyes as i get up to go outside the bar. She went to go out with her friends, and she knew it was my Birthday Today....

It didnt make any sense to me, it all seemed so unbeliveable. But ive been wrong before. And add the excessive Alcohol, you get a Recipe for a Terrible Mistake. 

I wasnt Dumb, I knew Maria and I were Drifting apart, Our schedules getting more and more hectic. My job stressing me the fuck out day after day, Marias Packed Schedule.

I was so fucking stupid. Why did i wait? Why didnt i just drop to my knees and tell her when i look at her eyes, i feel like i could do anything. That when she was in my arms i Felt like i needed to become a Better man for her. Why did i wait?

December. Jerkoff Hipster making her ring is falling behind, gonna need a couple more weeks. delivery date mid Janurary. I Threw A fucking Fit. i could feel it all slipping away, no matter what I did. Why did i Wait?

I was so Terrified of Opening up to you, and you not feeling the same way. The Thought of looking into your eyes and telling you that i was in love with you, and i wanted to be with you forever, or until i died. I was Terrified of looking into your eyes and Shooting me down. The texts got shorter and shorter. only strengthening My doubts and Fears. 

Christmas. The Ring wasnt Ready yet. Another Fucking Embarassment. She got me a Captain Phasma Painting and some Marvel Shirts. I tell you, “look, i ordered this is time to get it for Christmas, but the Guy Got Delayed and it wasnt ready yet, but... i showed you the Ring on my Phone. 

It was the last smile i Saw on you in Person.

So many oppurtunities, wasted. so fucking Stupid. I promise to make it up to you.

Down to One Word Answers, or no Reply at all.

Janurary 2016. Hiroshima.

Valentines Day is Coming, Ill have the Ring Then! and i ordered a Cute little Stuffed Corgi to go with Some Flowers and a nice Romantic Date! i order everything and wait. 

You came over one week, and seemed in such a foul mood, i couldnt place it. I thought you were in Pain Probably. I tried to cuddle you, kiss your cheek, you clearly dont want the affection. I try something alittle more...Adult. 

You Grabbed my Wrist, and Yanked my Hand away, throwing it off you. I was in Shock. I still remember the look you Gave me that night, Clear as day. That Piercing Glare, Looking Right at me. Pure Anger. and Pain.

Youre replies, in thier Rarity, lacked no padding for thier sharp edges. I believe its all Over Now.

Late January 2016.

You came over one Last time. We had Sex one last time. I remember grabbing you after the first go around as you got up and laid you back down. I was such a Fool.

The Ring was Delivered that Weekend. Monday i text you to see when your free to visit next, your ring is ready and i wanted to see if it fit correctly. You reply your busy tomorrow. i ask with what? you reply with: Concert. i ask What concert. You say: Tribal Seeds.

You stopped Replying After That. The Next Day i texted you again asking when can you come hangout and see your Ring? 

You Broke up with me after that. 

It felt like everything around me had fallen below me, and all that was left was the dark and Silence. Typing about it now makes the Hole in my heart Ache. I remember how hard the Rain Poured that Night.....As i Cried along with it.

And it was only the Beginning for me.

The first weeks after that day are a blur to me. Either Too Many Drugs Or too Many Drinks, take your pic. i was Broken. One moment you were there, you were mine, and i was gonna fix everything come Valentines Day. I had a Nice Romantic Dinner planned, then a Scenic Walk where i would show you the ring and tell you that even though were having a Rough Patch right now, that i loved you and i wanted to do everything i can to prove it to you.

But you Had other plans didnt you?

God i can still feel my heart when I saw pictures of you and Him....I dont know how to Describe how Painful it was to see. It was only Feb, and you were already with someone else? Posting Valentines Shit? I cried for hours, I begged for you not to be like the others, To just leave me for Someone Else so Fucking Fast, like i was Nothing to you.

But thats how it went down, though. Didnt it?

Friends for over 5-6 Years, Lovers for 2.

I couldnt even get a goodbye.....Just a Text. Was that all i was worth, to you?

You got with him within Weeks of Dumping me. Yet your Tumblr youre heartbroken and sad. It was like i had Entered into some NIghtmare.

within the First Two Weeks, I dropped four Hits of Acid at Once. I wanted to Escape. Instead i jumped right into it. I see you posting on Tumblr. Sad, Depressing things. Your Tags show how you deleted the texts from your phone, even though you didnt want to. How you could literally see in your texts of your declining Affection for me. In the end, It was my own doing.

With the Courage of Acid, I messaged you. I ask if your okay, and you ask why, like i dont see your posts, like i dont possibly know why you could be feeling so sad. Even then, at the end, you couldnt be honest with me.

I ask you Maria cant we please Talk?

You say About what? Like you thought i was stupid.

And thats when i just finally, for the first time, although Far too Late. I opened up to you.

I remember Anatomy.

I Remember You At Barros that Day

I Remember Air Hockey at the Arcade.

I remember The Birthday Gift.

The Words poured out then like they do now, The Spark you set in my Heart was the most important thing to me.

Whatever i needed to do to make it work, no matter what, just please dont give up on me.....

You may as well as shot me dead with your reply.

“if you had said that before, things would be Completely different.”

“saying it Now doesnt Mean Much to me now”

Those words still Haunt Me, A Year Later. And it is not even the worst to come.

You Had the verdict long before i even knew. You Found my “dating Profile” Online, and didnt say anything. just let it stew inside you. As we grew apart it hurt to see you just blatantly ignore my messages. So i used that profile to look at women, nothing else. It was only on My Birthday i Night i Made a Mistake i Will Regret forever. Maria wasnt there, she was with her friends. she didnt want to come here, or answer my texts. she chose to be with my friends. I was always the girls’ Second Choice. I got Drunk. I got Upset. I wanted Petty Revenge. I cheated. I Dont even Remember her Name or what she really looked like. Never should have done it.

A month Passes. March. I ask to still be friends, and how i missed you. We start talking again, almost like how it used to be. Tagging each other in posts again.But i also See him. Concerts, posts, tags. It tore me apart. Some Days i would wake up at 4 AM from my alarm for work, and Your Face would be the first thing i see in my head. The Tears would flow before i could even open my eyes for the first time. I try to get you to meet up with me, so we can talk. After i opened up that night you agreed we should talk. Then you just changed your mind....You Said give it time, walk the path, smell the Roses, and maybe we can start again...

My heart is Pumping like a cannon as i go into detail for Isaiah, how i became a madman, was so motivated by the mere notion that MAYBE there was a CHANCE we could work it out later. I couldnt be stopped. I drank Nothing but Water, ate only Chicken, Raw Veggies, Salmon and Fish, and cut out ALL sugar and breads. I dropped 30 pounds in a Month, and was in great shape for a fight at the gym i trained at. I would watch these Inspirational videos everymorning at 3 AM, just to run for an hour. I posted everything on Snapchat, Only Because i Wanted Maria to see it. I was so Optimistic...

April 2016.

Family Vaction in Mexico. A week with a private beachfront Villa and as much Booze as i can drink. i go in with Gusto. The Villa Has Wifi, can keep up with your posts.tagged me in some. Then the posts about him.

I hated how it made me feel to read them. He had what i wanted for us. Our own Place. Just Us. and a Dog.

He took My Place and it Ate me Alive from the Inside.

I stayed up all night, drinking tequila by the shot, playing Toro Y moi and Chain smoking. I watched the reflection of the moon dance on the waves, and thought of you. When i hear the Ocean, and nights when the Moon is Large and Beautiful, i think of you. 

I Broke that night......

I knew there was no Path, no flowers to smell.

There was no Second Chance.

I Lost her.

And i couldnt get her back. She didnt want me anymore.

she wants someone else now, and when i Think about it I have to imagine Flames burning the thoughts away.

I guess after that night, i lost my motivation, i Wised up.

And i knew i had to come clean to you. It was the hardest thing i ever did.

It hurts so much still, looking back. Im So sorry...

Even after i hurt you that day, i still saw a sliver of you come through your walls.

I begged for you in time to forgive me, and over time we could be friends again. Let me earn back your trust, understand i made a Terrible Mistake and im willing to do anything to make it work.

Most people would have told me to go to hell and never talk to them again.

But not you. Not even then.

You Said, “ Maybe in time i will forgive you. maybe i wont. Depends on how i feel. for now you should make yourself scarce.”

I was stunned,,,those words hung on me for months after.  Did you really mean that, Maria?

And that was the last time i heard from you for awhile...i remember Breaking down at work....The Silence hurt the most. No Texts, No Posts, Nothing.

Not only did i lose the woman i Love, I lost a dear Friend as well...

When i Returned home, i Quit Training, I quit the fight, I quit Dieting. That deep, Dark Hole you brought me out of, Maria.....when i saw you that day....I went Right Back in.

since May 2016 i was in a hole that i could not get out of. sure, i made it look like i was living the life on snapchat, but in reality, on the inside, i was so broken.  Then Life Decided to kick me while i was down, and Took my Bonnie away from me. As if it couldnt get worse. My Brother and I Bawled as they put her to sleep. I was so fucking Lost.....

So i texted the one person who maybe might put up with my Bullshit....You.

and you were nice, you coulda kicked me when i was down and wouldve been justified. But you heard me out....More of that Real you shining through.

It is 4 AM now. i have spent all night telling this story to Isaiah, who has listened intently this whole time.

I tell him how after the months of Bonnies Death, I just didnt leave the house. Tried my Best to leave you be and not see shit that would kill me on the inside. The days became Quiet and Lonely. your presence in Tumblr becomes less and less active. 

I hardly see you or your posts anymore...

i harden my heart and try move on.

Then i see your posts about your health. the doctor scare, Lupus.

I felt so bad, and worried i wanted to see if you were okay, even though i knew you hate my guts.But i worried and Worried and finally said fuck it and just sent a message saying i heard what youre going through, im sorry, i hope you get better soon, if you need anything, please ask

I wasnt expecting a Response, Yet you sent one : Thanks for Caring.

couldnt expect more than that, so i leave it be.

That Night, Maria makes a post.

Its About me. 

My heart jumped into my throat and got stuck. My hands shook as i held my phone.

I didnt completely erase you out of my life.

i still think about you, from time to time.

Thank you for texting me today.

thank you for still caring about me.

Despite the shit i post on here, I still Care about you too.

And No its not the drugs Talking.

I read and Re-Read that post thousands of times in the following months. On Bad Days, Days where i wanted to give up. I read that post and it kept me going. First time reading it i Cried for hours. It was as if God heard a prayer.

To see you say that you still cared.....you will never know what that did. how that felt for me. Even Now it makes me tear up.

My heart didnt hurt as much after that, it healed some of it. I was always confused with Maria. One moment she says she cares, then comes off as your nothing to her. i never knew which was which.

and now, as the year came to face my Birthday again. There was only one thing i wanted. truly wanted. and if i got it, getting nothing else from anybody wouldnt even fucking matter.

I just wanted you to say Happy Birthday.

I didnt think you would. i thought you would have moved on by now, enjoying youre new life with him. I couldnt bleed about it any longer. i took the pieces of my heart and piece it back together again. i began to accept reality. and the pain began to dull.

NOV. 20th 2016

Saturday.

Woke up Early and went out to the woods to do some shooting. all day there. Head back for some Missouri BBQ, and get ready to get Blackout drunk Tonight. Night Goes well, Got trashed, had fun, Fought a couple dudes, enjoyed myself.

Got back to Devins Late that night. Eat Chocolate BDAY cake drunk.

Head off for bed. I sit on the edge of the bed and look at the time. 9:40 PM

She isnt gonna say it. Oh well. 

go to your blog to lookup your post to make me feel better.

Read the words, smile and Remember. Pain Begins to set in. 

back out of tags to leave, see another tag you never seen before.

“C and I”

click tag link.

Heart Explodes in my Chest, Breath Frozen in throat.

Its a picture. of us. Smiling. 

the Caption Read:” I know i have trouble expressing my emotions and feelings and stuff but this guy right here means the world to me. Hes sweet, caring and Funny and---”

I couldnt read the Rest. I began to Cry Non Stop, Like someone Just Told Me my mother was Murdered.

I couldnt stop it, couldnt control myself. The pain was so much. Each one more painful to look at. How did i never see them? How??

I couldnt do it anymore. I couldnt keep taking the pain of it. I deserved to be Happy too..

its been two months since that day.

its been over a year since i last seen you with my own eyes, heard your voice....

And now we reach the end of this story. i force myself to block out the memories, remember nothing.

I have to move on with my life....

and yet....after saying all that Isaiah, which After i had finished,  8 hours had passed. 8 hours i poured out my soul. such a weight had been lifted, it felt so good for someone to hear me out...

so i finish this sad story, and Isaiah asks me one question: How do you feel about her now?

I stayed quiet for a good amount of time. i mulled it over. every memory. Good. the Bad. The Ugly.  and i finally settled upon:

I miss her, Isaiah. Not like a lover misses his spouse, but like a friend who helped another Grow.

I hope to see you again one day, Maria.

[psychicwolftraveler-blog]

Bipolar and the stigma

Bipolar and the stigma against mental illness

When people hear mental illness they tend to shudder with fear and smugness as if there better than anyone who suffers from something. When people hear Bipolar they run a mile! Some may say I am exaggerating but I am not. Iv seen it first hand. I myself suffer from Bipolar Type 2. Now i emphasise the type as thats important. When people hear Bipolar they think of manic, mania, psychosis, hyper, unhinged...the list goes on. But I am none of those things. Type 2 sufferers tend to have long bouts of low periods and very intense anxiety, in all honesty the anxiety can manifest into paranoia-so there is an element of psychosis but nowhere near as much as a Type 1 sufferer.

I was diagnosed 3 years ago at the age of 27 going on 28. Prior to this, Id only ever had one other breakdown and that was 10 years before hand in my late teens. I had always suffered from some form of anxiety but i had always managed to control it. My job as a manager kept me mentally busy and challanged and i thrived on stress, in fact in one interview i even said i loved it! but in the end it was stress that broke me down, and now sadly that aspect off any job i do in the future will be a no no for me! But since my diagnosis iv noticed a wave of stigma attached to mental health. People are geniunly scared of it! There scared of what it means and what it can do. they dont realise the effects that can have on the person suffering!

I myself have never told any of my employers about my illness for this reason, because a lack of understanding on their part can make them nieve, and regardless of how qualified I am I wont be fit enough for the job because my brain ever so slightly works in a diffrent way to others! I know my triggers and I can control it to a point...the only thing that stops me having control is pregnanacy, because adding those hormones to an already altered mind makes for very confusing times! I spend weeks indoors not talking to anybody or seeing the outside world-but its all for the greater good, and though i can turn into a hormonal nightmare when pregnant, having a baby is a blessing and ill take all the bad that comes with it!

I recently wrote an open letter on twitter to many celebrity ambassadors for mental health, including the young royals- below is the letter i wrote:

I am writing to you today as I have been reading about all your work that you are doing surrounding mental health namely the stigma surrounding it. I am writing to you in a capacity of desperation to get my voice heard. You both are the voice that can speak for the millions so I figured it was worth a shot so here goes. Let me give you a background on myself. I am 31 and am a freelance journalist/poet and a manager within the NHS. I has my first mental breakdown when I was 16 at the time people thought it was a mixture of hormones and family factors, none the less I had to leave 6th form and was medicated for a few years. When that fog lifted I returned to college and went onto university to study new media journalism. To support myself I had to work in the post room within a NHS trust. I worked my way up that corporate ladder very quickly and after graduating kept the journalistic side to freelance and continued to work my way up in the NHS,  iv worked in A&E as admin manager, iv worked as unit managers for CNWL's Addiction services, and even ended up managing the admin team at the same unit that treated me when I was 16 within west London mental health trust, which was ironic really but also showed how far I had come and accomplished! The same doctor that treated me still worked there too! I went from being her patient 10 years before to drinking with her in a pub at 26 a fully fledged cured adult who managed the admin team including her secretary! The signifance of me telling this will become apparent soon.... In november 2014 I suffered a severe break down and voluntarily went into a low secure mental health unit just to rest and get the treatment I needed! Again it was west London mental health I was treated by, but this time I had two perspectives, one the patient and two the employee! The same doctors and nurse I had been drinking in a pub with 2 years before now saw me as a patient, some wouldn't even say hello.  The only people to acknowledge me were the patiebts who rembered me from the services they attended, but now i was one of them. This was my first experience of the stigma of mental health, I was no good anymore I was just another patient. It was at this point I was diagnosed with Bipolar type 2, I would like to emphasize the type 2 as that's another stigma I get. The difference between type 1 and 2 is vast, there is no mania with my type and more anxiety and depression. It was a hard diagnosis but it hadn't come from nowhere I had it since 16! It made sense all the times I'd have down patches I just put down to environmental factors, a bad relationship, argument with friends, stress at work etc... I just thought it was what the doctors had said when I was 16..hormones and family factors, but it wasn't it was bipolar.. So the entire time I had been working I had bipolar and nobody had known, not me, not my colleagues not even the doctor who treated me at 16 and drank with me on Friday night and now wouldn't even say hello to me after seeing me in hospital! Stigma is stigma and even employees and doctors have them. Knowing that keeping busy controlled it and stress made it worse I went straight back to work in a brand new job at the RNOH in stanmore in January 2015!! I took a step back and went in as a EA to the hospitals operations director....not an easy job but less stressful than managing things myself but it wasn't long before I got the urge to take the reins once more and within 9 months I was unit manager of paediatrics at the same hospital!  Again nobody knew until I fell pregnant in March 2016, I was not on any medication apart from calming pills to stop my anxiety flaring up but I stopped all these when I found out. I had my first and only encounter with perinatel who are a great team and service, unfortunately I miscarried at 20 weeks, and within 3 days I was discharged from the perinatal service and was on my own. The pregnancy hormones and lack of medication had made Me very edgy and anxious more so than I had ever been, then losing the baby caused more emotions which were hard to deal with. I had to finish at my job in the June of 2016 as the stress and the commute were making me sick again and being pregnant I had to make that my priority not my career. It was the first time I hadn't worked since I was 18 and being at home made my illness worse. None the less me and my partner tried again and I fell pregnant in may 2017 but again lost it at 6 weeks. This sent me into a downward spiral and I had to make a decision to try again or go back to work but we tried again and here I am 11 weeks pregnant and everything thus far going well and being monitored  everything but my mental health. Iv had no further contact from a perinatel team and  am on no medication. When I do see my midwife my mental health always gets used as a weapon. Iv been told I must have a cesarean for my own health but I also must have meeting regarding mental health to see if I could cope with a baby and what my support network is. That is what has pushed me to write to you both.... The stigma. Just because I have a diagnosis does not mean I am not capable or of sound mind! I went 12 years with nobody none the wiser not even the doctor who had originally treated me at 16, but now they can name my problem I'm not a worthy and am treated a second class citezen. People Dont talk about mental health because of this reason, and things need to change. If I had another invisible illness like epilepsy would I have the same stigma... Probably not. With my corporate mindset I ask you, when you work with mental health issues, departmentalise each issue.... Suicide, depression, psychosis, anxiety, insomnia, eating disorders . within each of these things there is a stigma and within each of those boxes is a person like me who can control, hide and survive through my issues everyday with nobody knowing, working in high level jobs too scared to say anything because when I do I become somebody everybody is scared of abd treat differently just because I'm labeled with a mental illness and as the voice of the many I do hope the work you all do goes someway to helping the case I have put to you today because this is an issue that needs changing and changing fast.I have enclosed copy's of 2 poems I have written about mental health which are also published online, I look forward to your response Yours faithfully

Needless to say I never got any replys-which made me more determined to start a blog, to have my voice and get it heard!!

Iv recently read in the news today that they believe the grand old president of the USA, Mr Donald J Trump is apparently suffering from a mental illness-which could in effect cost him his job! According to the BBC, experts believe he is suffering from narcassistic personality disorder- now hes the kind of person that gives people with genuine mental illness a bad name! He's not mentally ill, hes an egotistic old man who is too twitter happy and obscessed with big red buttons. Everything he says is pathetic and he cant be taken seriously, the way the USA can justify thier horrific mistake of electing such a gorrilla is to brush it off with, "we didnt realise he was mentaly ill"!! cop out if you ask me!!! Just take his tweets with Mr Kim Jung un- iv seen 3 year olds in nurserys have better arguments than that!! Thats not a mental illness its a child in a 70 somethings body!! Hes the human real life version of Tom Hanks's character in Big, just not as nice or as clever or as entertaining!! I defenitly wouldnt want to play the big piano with him in a toy store-god forbid you were better than him- you'd be banned from America and called a loser on twitter before being handed a shovel and some bricks to go and build his mexican wall!

My point is, mental illness is a stigma and when its used to describe somebody like Donald Trump its no wonder people get scared!! We should be allowed to talk about it more freely and openly without the fear of being judged-but if that will change who will know...Until then all we can do is live on and fight the big fight that is mental illness which ever one it may be..... we'll talk more on this subject... but until then take care...

The typist behind the screen xxx

www.gogsworld.net

[ionqins]

170525 EXO’rDIUM in NY/NJ fan account

tl;dr: don’t camp out if you want to enjoy the concert.

before i jump into the actual concert day, here’s a summary of the announcement and ticketing extravaganza.

so mymusictaste (mmt) officially announced exo’s “north american” tour in ny and la on feb 9. they also announced that “makers” got to buy their tickets during the presale before the general public and also get 10% off their ticket (1 ticket per maker). “makers” are people who had gone onto mmt’s official site before ~9pm feb 9 (up until about one hour after mmt posted their announcement), made a (free) account, and clicked on the “make” button for exo in ny 2017. 

immediately, there was an uproar from fans- on how the whole makers getting a presale is unfair, on how soon the tickets are going on sale, and on how exo isnt going to nearly as many stops as last year. atlanta fans were especially upset because their city had one of the highest “makers” from last year - which was supposedly what mmt uses to decide which cities to hold concerts in - and mmt skipped atlanta both last year and this year. mmt, of course, stayed mute to all the complaints thrown at them, as they always do.

fast-forward to ticket presale day. my sister and i were ready with our 7 devices on ticketmaster, waiting for a bloodbath and not taking any chances, seeing our exo ticketing experience last year- standing ga ended up being ordered by ticketing number rather than fcfs, something mmt didnt clarify until after the sales. this year, the entire presale ended up being anti-climatic. fans found (supposedly from mmt’s site) that about ~3k fans were “makers” but it seemed like barely a few hundred made any dent on the presales. ga was wide open and the only really popular sections were the closest seated rows.

a few days later, the general sales opened up and the ~10k venue ended up selling about half the seats, a number that didnt really increase drastically after the first day of sales.

and fans blamed the poor ticket sales on mmt’s lack of promotion (but they promoted the same way as they did for last year’s sold-out show) or the concert being on a weekday (but so was bts’s sold out show a month prior) or expensive tix for no fan interaction (again, last year’s show had the same situation) or the presales discouraging non-makers to buy tix (but they literally had to take 30sec and navigate to the ticketing page to realize that presales barely did anything) or exo not going to as many stops as last year (i truly don’t understand how this is an excuse for lack of sales- shouldnt fewer stops mean more packed venues for the existing stops? specifically, northeast coast fans wouldve still had prudential center to fill up).

the real reasons for low sales were: 1- exo’s decreasing popularity in the US- it’s embarassing to see how exo fans refuse to see this fact. fandoms rise and fall, it’s the circle of life and there’s nothing to be ashamed of. exo may have been one of the more popular - if not the most popular - kpop concert act (i say this instead of simply “kpop act” because big bang is still the most popular household name) in the states, but there’s a new lion in town.

2- speaking of lions, bts’s tickets went on sale long before exo’s was, and most fans are younger and wouldnt be able to afford two concerts within a month of each other. but going back to point 1, im gonna go out on a limb here and say that even if these announcements/concerts were chronologically flipped, bts still would have sold out, just as they sold out every single other venue in their entire wings tour. and exo would still have a visible number of emptiness in their concert. the amount of negativity (“exo will never come to the states again”, “american exo fans are terrible”, telling fans to give their tickets away for free if they can’t make it - this was the biggest wtf moment i had during the ticketing experience. how about /you/ buy a $200 ticket and donate it to a fan?) leading up to the concert was appalling. i wish american exo fans start taking these experiences on a positive note and enjoy everything to the fullest while it lasts, instead of acting whiny and immature and blaming the organizers for the fandom’s own lackings. onto the actual concert experience. both my sister and i worked until regular hours the day before the concert, so we left home at around 7pm and drove up to the venue close to 11pm. the line was already at least 15+ tents and about 100 people from what we could see. i dropped my sister off with her sleeping bag and parked/checked in at the hotel we were staying at about a 10 minutes-walk away. i walked back to the venue (definitely sketchy neighborhood, would not rec to walk alone at night if you dont want to be cat-called). i brought a duffle bag and smuggled out a hotel pillow and towel, along with some food, water, a portable charger, and two umbrellas. it was only somewhat chilly (lows of 50s) but the rainy weather forecast was what worried us the most. i camped out for a few hours and then walked back to the hotel around 2am (again, would not rec) since i hadnt bought a sleeping bag and the cold was getting to me. i slept until 4am and then checked on the sis, and then slept again until 7:30am. /aside/ i was supposed to wake up at 6am and switch places with my sister but my phone alarm apparently doesnt go off when it’s in the ultimate power save mode, aka i was a terrible person and had my sister waiting for over an hour out in the cold and rain /end aside/ it had been constantly drizzling all night, with some wind to add to the chill. i took some hotel breakfast to-go and walked back to the venue to see everyone’s pale and lifeless faces. the number of people in front of us had doubled to about 200 overnight so that was just excellent. my sister looked like a wreck so i sent her back to the hotel to get some actual shut-eye while i held the fort. mmt had said they’ll start wristbanding the ga line at 10am, to create a numerical order for when we go in. so my sister comes back at 9:30am and we wait. and wait. and enjoy the torrential downpour of rain that nj so graciously gave us. around 11am some staff comes out and tells us they wont be wristbanding until 1:30pm. so then my sister goes back to the hotel, hoping she could sleep this time. shortly after 12, another staff member comes out and tells us they’ll start wristbanding soon so get your tickets ready. panicking, i call my sister half a dozen times and finally get a sleepy response. she runs back just in time to witness the mess mmt will create with this wristbanding process. now logically, mmt staff should have gone down the line of campers and given out these numerical wristbands in the order that we had already put ourselves in. but did they? of course not, why would mmt ever be logical? so some staff up at the very front of the line yelled for us to stand up and make /another line/ in front of them, about 5 feet away from our original line. as expected, an absolute stampede of fans followed. fans who were behind us ran up in front of us, and fans who were originally in front of us were no longer there if they had temporarily left the line right before for a bathroom or coffee break. the “line” we had made wasn’t exactly a line, either, but more of a hoarde. in my haste i had forgotten my phone at our camping site, but my sister was nice enough to go back and get it while i held our place in this new standing line (my phone was undamaged but our sleeping bag and most of our food was crushed). so mmt made us wait standing in this new line for another hour before they actually began coming down and putting our wristbands on. they then told us that we can leave this line if we want but that putting ourselves in order again will ultimately be up to us and that they “won’t be held accountable” if people cut us or if we can’t get back in the same order. so literally :) what is the point :) of this new line and the wristbands then :) the merch line was supposed to open up at 1pm but since nothing ever happens on time with mmt, we should’ve known. i stood in the wristband line while my sister went to the other side where the merch line was. she comes back around 3:30pm with the lightstick. then i decide to go back to the hotel to drop off our remaining stuff so we could go into the pit with no bags. i also leave our umbrellas, which later turned out to be a mistake. at 4pm i get a text saying that mmt decided us standing in line wasnt enough, they wanted to barricade us so we’d feel like canned fish. the wind is howling by this time, and the temperatures had dropped to what it was the night before. it also started raining again. i walk back and was allowed to jump the barricade once one of the fans we were standing with yelled “sister!” these were the fans who were in line since the night before (with a sprinkling of fans who cut in line earlier that morning), so they meant business when someone requested to get back in line. so here we stand, squished like sardines as the weather gets more chilly and windy. and then it begins to rain, of course. i had left our umbrellas at the hotel so we wouldnt have to carry anything into the pit but that was a grave mistake. we all tried to huddle under the nearest umbrella that we could, but the winds blew the rain every which way so nearly everyone was soaked in the end. someone behind us was nice enough to give us plastic trash bags, which we made holes into to wear like ponchos. it was 5pm, then 6pm, when we could see staff inside spreading out carpets and then standing around. then 6:30 came, one hour before the concert and supposedly the time when doors open. but open they did not. after a few people called the venue, we were notified that there was “production issues” so we won’t be let in until 7pm. some assumed there was a previous event for which they had to clean up, others thought there was something wrong with exo’s stage, itself. many of us, including me, were shivering non-stop by this point. but we didnt have any other choice but to wait. 7pm comes by, and the doors were still shut and the staff inside still in their place. more phone calls later and again we learn that opening the doors is delayed by another half hour to 7:30. aka when the concert should have begun. between 7 and when they finally let us in at around 7:45, there were at least four people who either fainted or had panic attacks and had to be ushered inside (after fans had to continuously bang the windows to get the staff’s attention- and no, we weren’t just impatient to get let in so please come outside smh). 7:45 and we’re inside. i’m still wet and shivering and too cold to take off my jacket and put it over the railing as i had planned. my friend was near the back of the ga line and she barely made it in when the concert began at 8:25, one hour after the advertised time. the concert was a blur, to be honest. this has to be the first time i yawned during a concert, and that, too, several times. most of the fans around me were equally tired. i had gone to the exoluxion concert at the same venue a year prior, and the difference in energy was striking. (with exoluxion, mmt had us lined up by ticket number so there was no camping out needed, no bad weather, and no one-hour delay). exo was fantastic, and despite their jetlag they were giving it their all. they made a few funny mistakes here and there but they just laughed it off and continued. the remixed versions of their older songs were very neat and i loved the upgraded pyrotechnics this year. i stood near the side of the stage where kai (ofc), chen, kyungsoo, and suho showed up the most. not to be biased but kai actually stole the show. being his usual self he gave each dance move his 110% and his smiles were absolute killer. his hair was also glorious, good goly what a mane. overall i did enjoy the concert. exo themselves put out a wonderful show, and sme provided a beautiful stage to watch the glory in. i just wish i had been awake to appreciate the boys more after waiting to see them for so long.