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jodilin65 · 28 years

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TUESDAY, JULY 30, 1996 Gloria will be performing here in Phoenix tonight. After hearing the lyrics to her song called Destiny, I realized how much we write alike. Especially with lines of hers like, “We live our lives in mystery, while everything is meant to be.” Still, Linda inspired me vocally, while Gloria has inspired me personally.

I have so much to write about, it isn’t funny. I think, though, I’ll wait for a time when Tom’s not here or is asleep. I can concentrate a bit better that way. He’s not gonna be working today or tomorrow which I have mixed emotions about. I mean, I do love to see him and feel we don’t get enough time together, but due to a couple of days ago, which I’ll get into later, I’m wary of being around him for fear I’ll say or do the wrong thing to upset him or that he’ll just suddenly get upset for no apparent reason.

Later…

OK, now that Tom’s headed over to his mom’s house, I can write. He said don’t be surprised if he still calls it his “parents'” house.

No problem. Old habits do die hard and I still think of this computer as his, even though it’s ours.

First of all, today was a great day, so far. Best one we’ve had in a while as far as there not being a million things to do and all that stress hanging over us. We played computer games, then he showed me some things on the computer, then we swam, then we had sex in 3 different positions. He almost came. I could feel he was really close, but like he said, we don’t expect him to cum every time. I don’t even cum every time and he still just went through a heavy-duty ordeal in his life.

I just talked to Jenny, but Sandy and both Larrys weren’t there. I let her know Tom’s dad died and that things have been rough, but that hopefully they’ll simmer down as Tom believes they will.

Jenny says she saves all my envelopes and has a lot of them. Well, that’s nice to know that someone likes my drawings enough to save them.

Piggy’s been squeaking all day and the birds are their usual desperate selves. Tom and I got out of the pool and were standing on the patio when I threw some seeds down. It landed on and around our feet, so the birds were picking out seeds from in between my toes and from under the sides of Tom’s feet, tickling him.

We still haven’t been able to see what pictures or what in the hell you’re supposed to see when you play Gloria’s CD in the CD ROM cuz we have to get a new printer driver, but Tom’s looking to find one from AOL. No luck yet, but he’ll find it.

Tom says that if I ever died, he would follow my request and give Andy typed versions of my journals and keep the written ones and read them and cherish them forever. He said that’d be a big and important piece of me he could hang onto. He also says he’s sure that our kid will read them after I’m gone and I asked him how he felt about the fact that it’d be reading me calling him a liar for over two years. Fine with me, he said.

Got a couple of sympathy cards from my parents and from Andy. That was nice of them and thanks to Tammy, I can count on her to spread any major news around, unless I tell her to keep a lid on it. If we ever told her I was pregnant, would my parents send a congratulation card? No. Of course not. Tom would say it’s their opinion and that’s OK, but deep down I think it’d hurt him. I mean, if they said to me I shouldn’t have a kid cuz they didn’t think I’d be a good mother, that’s telling Tom, in a sense, that he doesn’t have a very good wife and that’s also saying Tom would be a bad father. Would they realize that? Probably not, cuz I doubt they’d care, but I’m not gonna have to worry about that cuz we either won’t be talking to each other or I’d just hang up the phone and not bother listening to any crap they tried to give us. No one’s gonna get in the way of our dreams and spoil a good thing for us (unless God does). We’re adults that can take charge of our own lives, thank you.

Got a nice surprise from Boo and Max. They were at Tammy’s and they sent me a quick hello message. I’m surprised they’d go visit Tammy. I mean, I knew they always got along just fine. It’s just that I didn’t think they’d bother or that Tammy would bother to invite them. Anyway, before I got their message, I thought that it was about time I sent them a letter just to say hi. Them and Goldie & Al.

Now, before I get into yesterday and the day before that, let me get Andy’s Dave story out of the way so I don’t feel like I lied to him about documenting it.

He met him through some friends of his and he says he’s a million times better looking than Quinn who he thinks is gorgeous. So, as far as he and everyone knew, he never mentioned being with a woman and he and other people said there might be a chance he’s gay. So, Andy was so into him after only seeing him once and talking to him about two times, that Andy would literally kick Laura out and let him move in. That’s quite hasty to me, but sure enough, the guy hasn’t returned his calls and Andy’s lost all hope.

Why does God insist Andy be alone forever, just like he insists we be childless forever? Speaking of it, though, I haven’t had that sad, desperate, and angry, damn,-I-can’t-have-a-kid feeling in the longest time since I’ve known Tom, so that’s nice. I guess it’s cuz I know the next step is seeing that I can’t conceive and have already accepted that. I feel more relaxed than I have since being with him since our sex lives were straightened out. It really takes a lot of the stress and the feeling of not being normal or good enough off of me, but I just hope he cums more often than not. We’re at a time now, where we’ll be finding out just how often he cums. Bob asked me about a kid and as far as that goes I told him the truth, we want that, he believes it’s gonna happen, but I doubt it cuz I don’t always believe in miracles.

Anyway, the day before yesterday sucked. Tom was fine one minute and the next I saw him sitting in his chair in the living room, asked what was wrong, and said to leave him alone, so I did. All the while, though, I was asking myself, what did I do? What did I say? He was so contradicting that day and he really hurt me and pissed me off. Of course, he said I did the same thing to him. I told him that I later tried to find out what was wrong cuz I’m his wife and cuz I care about him and want to know what’s eating at him. He said that couples aren’t entitled to tell their spouses everything 24 hours a day what they do or think. He said if I can’t find out what’s wrong with him without fighting with him, then wait till I can. Why do we have to fight for me to find out what’s wrong with him? He also said that I should think about how I take things and be more tolerant of his faults. Well, we can be more tolerant of our faults, but I think we should still work on our faults. He said that when someone has to deal with something, the other should just let them deal with it however they need to and just accept that the other person might get hurt and angry. I don’t totally agree with that. Yes, one should deal with their emotions in their own way, but not hurt others while they’re doing it. That’s not right or fair. He told me that if I cut myself, that’d be hurting him. So, it’s OK for him to hurt me if he has to in order to deal with something, but I can’t? He says I have, though, and I know I’ve said some mean and unfair things during moments where I’ve had my emotional lows, but I’m sorry for hurting him and I intend to keep working on that and make sure I don’t let history repeat itself. He, though, feels he did nothing wrong and that it’s OK to hurt your loved ones if you have an emotional low.

He also says he tries to be as blunt as he can be and doesn’t do innuendoes. Yes, I know he tries to be and I do too.

I still have my fears of having a kid, like most of us do. It is something I still want, but the usual fears are there as far as money goes and our time and privacy together and its effects on the marriage. Are we gonna be able to juggle the relationship between us and the one with the kid? Can we mix the two, and will adding a third party to the picture really work?

I heard a scary story on a talk show, but Tom said it didn’t scare him. I’m glad one of us didn’t get scared by it. This guy abused his daughter and he said he knew it sounded too easy to blame his parents for it. He said his dad used to beat him and he hated him and he swore he’d never be like him, but he was.

Now, I’ll get into yesterday’s events. We went to Mom’s and Mary and Dave were there along with Carol and Steven. Then we went and picked up Cindy, our 34-year-old niece (it’s weird having a niece who’s 4 years older). Then we went to the cemetery which is out in the middle of nowhere. It’s a huge flat cemetery with mountains off in the distance. It was very pretty and well-kept, though. We gathered under a little gazebo-like thing where there were about 20 people. I think I’ve met pretty much all of the family now. I finally met Evelyn, Opal, and Lucy. Opal and Lucy are mom’s sisters.

Then they brought the coffin out of the hearse and placed it in front of us and the Priest or Pastor or whoever did a speech. Then we left. I thought we were gonna then go to a different part of the cemetery and stand by as he was put in the ground, but I guess not. They put the coffin back into the hearse and it left too. Tom says it’ll go back to the funeral home, then back there to be buried. It was unlike any other funeral I’ve ever been to and I’ve been to 4; Pa’s uncle, then 3 of my grandparents’.

I talked to Tammy a little while ago, who said Boo & Max always keep in touch. I guess they really do like her better, as they said in their message to me, cuz they never keep in touch with me. My dad and everyone like to remind me of how much they like others better than me. And although they mean it in a teasing way, there is more than a grain of truth to that. I’ve only had contact with Boo & Max twice since being out here. That time I called them in ‘92 shortly after I arrived here when they sent me money to help me out and then when they sent a wedding card with $50 in ‘94. I’ve sent them 2 or 3 letters since I’ve been here.

SUNDAY, JULY 28, 1996 Tom did pick up Gloria’s new CD. It sucks so far, but there’s one song called Reach that seems OK. Something I can sing cuz it’s in my range and my style.

He also picked up an additional surprise. A screensaver with clips from a video of hers. It’s from one of my least favorite videos, though, but I guess you can add others to it if you want. It’s pretty cool, though, with about 6 different options as to how you can display it. It’s got ways to bounce one frame/square, then it has trailing frames and the one I like is the wall video (which looks like a bunch of TV screens) where several frames of the same thing keep changing to different things. There are about 30 different things that the frames show and the whole thing is about 30 seconds, then it keeps repeating itself.

I also got a Bob letter yesterday in which he says he has a 41-year-old daughter and a granddaughter.

What?! Since when? I asked him. Is this something he recently found out? Or did he always know? If he always knew, why didn’t he ever tell me? Did he tell Kim? I asked her if she knew anything about it in my letter to her. If he knew he always had a kid, then who was the mother and why didn’t he ever see her? Also, I thought he said he was sterile. He told me that doctors have told him he’d have a one-in-a-million chance to impregnate a woman.

He also told me that he was contacted by his ex-sister-in-law about meeting them when Sandy died, but he said no cuz Kim wouldn’t go with him.

Now that’s low!

I still don’t see how he could have the strength to rape anyone or if it could’ve ever been his cup of tea, but now I’m wondering. All child molesters or rapists have kids.

Instead of waiting for a letter from Minnie to which to reply, I’m sending her a letter. I think I’ll also be sending Goldie & Al and Boo & Max letters, too with artwork on the envelopes.

Gloria’s gonna be singing for the closing ceremonies of the Olympics on August 4th. According to an article on her, she’s getting more and more gay fans due to using those drag queens to do a video for her when she was pregnant. I knew she wasn’t prejudiced. I could just tell.

Tom fixed Evelyn’s cooler yesterday, so that’s where he got part of the money for the Gloria stuff. He’s now still asleep. He said not to wake him unless I need him. He definitely is overdue to sleep till he wakes up on his own and not by the alarm.

Last night he told me to take care of my lungs, cuz I’ve been too wheezy to do things when I get up, when he’s here, and at the end of my day when he’s here. In other words, I guess he was hoping for sex last night. I didn’t think he would be due to the long stressful day, but then again, he does prefer it before bed, regardless of what he says. Once again, though, the thought of him getting off regularly still seems unreal. Perhaps that’s cuz we haven’t had hardly any time to screw, what with all that’s been going on. Therefore, I haven’t been able to see how rare or how common his cumming would be.

Got messages from Tammy and the girls at AOL, so that’s nice. I was wondering if the girls would ever send me messages. They were to Tom, too.

I have a vibe. I guess it’s a vibe anyway. Or a feeling. I don’t know, but there’s something about next April 26th that’s been ringing in my head for about a month now. Well, there’s no use wondering too much about it now since it’s still quite a ways away.

I wonder if Tom will want sex after he gets up. I doubt it. Too early, but I can never know for sure. I just hope to hell that whenever we do, things are still normal enough about it and that God gives us a break for a change. I think we deserve it after all we’ve been through!

SATURDAY, JULY 27, 1996 Oh, great. Just lovely. At 1:30 a.m. Eastern time, someone bombed a public park adjacent to the Olympic Village. Everyone feared this, too, but they say the games will continue. There’s so much terrorism going on. There was the Oklahoma bombing, Flight 800, and now this. They say a little over 100 people were injured and 2 are dead.

Tom spent the day helping his mom out. There were lots of people there.

Evelyn gave Tom some paper to give to me. He says he’s not sure if she knows I draw, though. He’s not sure if he ever told her. It’s white, unlined with 3-ring binder holes punched on the sides of them. I used some to print out journal 99. I had stopped printing out journals after 98. It’s good for printing back-to-back, but I don’t know if I’ll return to printing out journals. I’ll probably use the paper for drafts. For drawing, I’d like to use sketchbooks from now on that’s like the one I’ve got. It’s about the size of this journal, which is my average journal size and is a good size for drawing.

Evelyn’s cooler broke, so Tom’s gonna fix that eventually.

See? I told him it’d still be one thing after another, but he still swears things will be settling down and that his mom will be fine.

I told him hey, if I’m wrong about things settling down and about my being pregnant soon, I’ll fully admit I was wrong just as I did when he came. In fact, Tom says there’s a difference, as far as he’s concerned, between something he plans and something he envisions. He says 75% or more of the things he envisions turn out the way he envisioned them and that he envisions me pregnant real soon and says he’d be really surprised if I weren’t pregnant real soon. Well, more power to him!

Tom may get Gloria’s Destiny CD today cuz now he’s anxious to check it out on the computer, just like I am. If I were back in Springfield with my old life, I’d always wonder about it.

I just remembered what I forgot to write about yesterday. Andy’s encounter with a guy named Dave. Andy really likes the idea of me documenting our talks and his life. I promised to write about the stuff he tells me, but I’ll get to the Dave story later.

FRIDAY, JULY 26, 1996 Andy will be calling back sometime soon. He’s very upset now. Problems with Quinn again. He loves him but deals with so much abuse and head games from him. I kind of wish I could go over there and slap that guy silly, but Andy has to do his own dirty work. He can talk to me all he wants, but in the end, it’s between him and Quinn to do whatever it is they’re gonna do.

Tom spent the day at Mom’s and he went to bed after being up for about 21 hours. The funeral will be on Monday at 12:30 p.m. Nothing fancy and just with 20 or so of the immediate family members. Also, there’ll be a memorial service at a church in about a month.

As I figured, Mom and Dad did call, so I had Tom answer it. That was nice of them and they appropriately didn’t bring me up or ask for me and they put aside our differences. Also, they asked for Tom’s mom’s address cuz they’re gonna be sending her a card. I asked Tom if she got a card from a Dureen and Art O if she’d know who the hell they are and Tom said yes, so that’s good.

Tom’s family believes like Tom and I do that Dad will always be watching over those he knew and loved. Before they took his body away they asked Ma if she wanted to be with him for a few moments and Ma said, “No. That’s not my husband. That’s just a dead body. That’s just the body that he used when he was alive.”

Well, Marty and Ruth got my letter today, I’m sure, and I’m sure that they told my folks as soon as they got it, and due to Tom’s dad dying, that’s all the more reason why they didn’t call. I’m glad, though, that they didn’t call as I figured they wouldn’t, cuz that’d really make me feel awkward and put on the spot.

Tammy sent Tom a message too, through my mailbox saying she’s sorry about his dad, but to remember him for the good memories of him and not those of his last months and that she’s here for him. She also said to give her regards to his “intire” family. I think she meant “entire” family. She makes funny typing mistakes. I usually just tell Tom what she has to say when she sends messages to me unless it’s personal, but this time I printed it out for him.

Later…

Tom just got up a little while ago after getting his much-needed sleep.

We had a hell of a storm last night. Therefore, the backyard and pool are a mess. A big wall of dirt blew in, supposedly, but I didn’t see it. There’s dirt all over the patio, along with bird poop, and the pool is a brown/green color. We lost yet another chunk of the old green rafters which are over the patio in the ferocious wind. The birds love it, though. To them, it’s a big jungle gym.

Andy did call back and we spoke for quite a while. He’s really hurt, confused, and in love with Quinn. Quinn is a selfish, mean, spoiled, abusive low-life of a druggie who lies, leads Andy on, and cuts him down like he’s a piece of dirt. A part of me really wishes I could go over to Quinn’s and let him know that he’s fucked with my friend, so that’s fucking with me. Then I’d really like to give him a few bruises. Just enough to scare some sense into him, or at least enough to scare him out of the shit he’s pulling on Andy. We tried to call him so I could give him a piece of my mind and let him know just what I’m all about and what I could personally do to him, but the little fuck didn’t answer.

I told Andy that this is a twisted person who hates his own self and who’s very immature and Andy does know this.

Andy feels very cursed right now and he really hates his life. I feel really bad for him because, in a sense, his life here in Arizona has been just like his life in Massachusetts.

Tom won’t be working again till Tuesday. He’s in the shower now, then he’s gonna make a few phone calls and head on over to his mother’s house to give Mary a break, who stood overnight last night, and to do anything he can do to help.

It seems like it’s been forever since we had sex, due to all that’s been going on. Hopefully, we can have our lives back and our sex lives back soon. It doesn’t matter when we screw since I can’t get pregnant anyway. Besides, he still insists there are about 10 days a woman can conceive and not 3. If Tom really believes we’ll have a child, like he’s been saying, I just realized something. He may want to have the child in this house, which is in his name, and then move if things work out. I realized that he may really be afraid deep down that a kid will ruin our marriage or that I’ll be a bad mother, although he wouldn’t tell me he felt I’d be a lousy wife for as long as he did, what’s to say he isn’t necessarily gonna tell me he really thinks I’d be a lousy mother if he really ever thinks that?

Thank God the storm was last night, cuz I think next door had overnight company. Who knows what kind of noise they would’ve stirred up if the weather had been nice? Anyway, two vehicles just left. I heard about 5 or 6 doors shut and their music was barely audible, so that’s cool.

I amazingly received stuff from Gloria’s fan club yesterday. A newsletter with 4 shitty pictures and an audiocassette of her doing an interview. At the start of the interview, even she admits the fan club has been off to a slow start (yeah, very slow!), But that they’re getting their act together.

Now both Tom and I can’t wait to get her new album called Destiny. It’s supposed to also be for computers with CD ROM and when played there, pictures of her are supposed to appear. I also want Linda’s latest English album, but not either hers or Gloria’s Spanish ones, since they suck from what I’ve heard. I still want to find out what movie that dream song of Linda’s is from and hunt a copy of that down. I also want to request more songs from the 70s station and hope I get lucky enough to have those requests played.

THURSDAY, JULY 25, 1996 I’m not doing too well with not smoking. Yesterday I had 10 in the 19 hours I was up. I’ve only been up for 3 hours so far, but have had 5. Like I told Tom, the only way I could ever quit smoking would be by force. Of course, I’d have constant panic attacks and the cravings would never go away. It’s totally swapping one misery for another. Tom said it’ll be a better misery that won’t last long. I disagree. A good 95% of the time it’s not a better misery, nor will I ever stop constantly wanting to smoke.

I think in the end, the only thing I can do, and the best thing I can do is just wait and see if I can get pregnant in the first place, then just let Tom force me off. I can’t go jumping the gun and worry about the future or this soon-to-be pregnancy that I still believe can never happen and will never happen.

Tom says his dad’s gonna die now to a couple of days from now. The nurse gave him sleeping pills over 24 hours ago and he still hasn’t woken up. They say he’s in the final phase of this kind of cancer and that there’s some name for it too, that Tom forgot. Anyway, he’s expected to never wake up. His lungs are so filled with fluid that they make this horrible gurgling sound when he breathes, which he can barely do.

Tom said he also opened his eyes for a second as he stood over him and his eyes were white and glazed over with the look of death, so he’s pretty much gone.

Later…

Dad’s gone.

Mary called at 3:30 to say that Dad stopped breathing and they called the hospice nurse to confirm things, then the funeral home will come and get him. They had gotten plots for both Mom and Dad in Chandler, but Dad will probably be buried in a VET cemetery in Phoenix cuz he was a World War 2 vet. After Ma goes, of course, she’ll be buried next to him. Phoenix is running out of room for burial plots due to the way Phoenix has grown. I had asked Tom if there’d eventually be no room to bury people on this earth, but he explained to me how land gets re-used. After a couple of hundred years, the bodies and coffins deteriorate.

Tom says he’s glad it’s finally over and I agree. Now he’s not suffering anymore, and the stress will be lifted off everyone. Tom says this is the easy part. Especially since he, like everyone else, knew this was coming. He says it was the part where everyone’s stress and his ongoing suffering were hard.

We both also believe that although his body is dead, he’s not dead. His spirit will always watch over those he knew.

I’ll call Tammy in a little while and let her know.

Later…

I called Tammy and she said tell Tom she’s sorry and that she sends her best.

Andy also called saying the same thing and that all kinds of things have been going on in his life over the last month. He said he understood that now wasn’t the best time to get into it and I promised to call him late tonight.

He knows I do want to hear all about it and that I haven’t forgotten him, but I’m getting pretty beat now. Tom knows to wake me up if he needs me but told me there’s nothing I can really do now. There’s nothing anyone can really do now. It’s over. But it’s not over with his mother. I still firmly believe it’s the beginning of a whole new long and drawn-out process. This is cuz I can’t see how things will be as simple as just setting his mom up with whatever she needs and then she’ll be on her own. I still feel that there are only so many things she’ll need that we can set up for her. Meanwhile, someone’s got to take care of the things that aren’t just a matter of being able to be set up for her. Someone’s got to mow her lawn. Someone’s got to drive her wherever she needs to go until and unless there’s a service that can drive her around, and I know it’s gonna be mainly Tom that’s gonna have to do all this stuff. Except for Tom and Mary, all the other family members don’t do shit unless they’re asked. They don’t just volunteer and Ma hates asking people for favors unless she really has to and I know she’d prefer asking Tom first and Mary second.

I did another fairly decent drawing of a girl. I tried to draw more, but luck ran out.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24, 1996 I’ve only had 1 cigarette in the last 5 hours and boy, is it miserably hard!! It’s totally swapping one misery for another and smoking is constantly on my mind. I can’t even go 10 minutes without thinking about it. Tom keeps talking as if we’re 100% guaranteed to have a kid and says that when I’m pregnant, I must quit smoking, that’s a must, that’s part of the responsibility of being a mother-to-be, no ifs, ands, or buts. He makes it sound like it’s possible for me to quit. If it were that possible, I’d have quit long ago. Then he says that I have to think about what’s more important to me. It’s not that a kid is less important to me, it’s that he’s asking me to do something I can’t do and that’s impossible for me to do. He once said being able to quit smoking and managing to accomplish quitting is no big thing or big deal. Oh yeah?! If only he knew! If only he knew how awful I feel now.

I have so many mixed feelings right now. One’s saying I should try my hardest to quit now, cuz the sooner the better no matter what happens in life. Two’s saying I should wait to quit if I ever get pregnant, cuz that may give me the most encouragement ever as far as being able to quit goes. I feel the 3rd thing the strongest and that’s saying, I’ll never get pregnant and I know it, so why don’t I just smoke till I die.

Later…

I prayed to God to please give me the strength to say no to any cravings I have for a cigarette, but obviously, he wouldn’t help me, cuz I just smoked my second cigarette in 5 hours. Tom told me that I don’t have a choice whether or not I smoke during pregnancy and I told him that the only way I could quit smoking is by force. I asked him if he’d be willing to refuse to buy cigarettes if I were pregnant and he said yes. Then I asked if he’d be willing to refuse to buy cigarettes after I finish the 7 packs I have (you know, that tough love kind of thing) and he said yes and why don’t I make those 7 packs last 2 weeks.

Again, here are my choices and or opinions.

Quit now.

Quit after I finish what I’ve got.

Quit if I get pregnant.

Come back to earth and remember - I can’t ever get pregnant, so keep on smoking.

TUESDAY, JULY 23, 1996 Tom seemed to wake up in a good mood, but now I don’t know. I was trying to tell him about ants I saw yesterday in the yard, then he bitches about the way I explained the situation and interrupted him.

Well, he ought to practice what he preaches and not interrupt me if he doesn’t want to be interrupted himself.

I went and typed a description of all my journal covers at the start of each journal I typed. Of course, this is omitting any letter journals I never typed up.

I also taped a few new songs off of KHITS. I’d like to call them to request a few songs, but what’s the point? They’ll never play them.

My thighs are very stiff and sore today, but I can’t figure out why. What did I do yesterday to cause them to be sore? Nothing that I can think of.

I began typing this book up, but of course, I won’t add it to its group till it’s finished.

MONDAY, JULY 22, 1996 Tom’s spending the night at his parents' house. He called a couple of hours ago and it sure was a trip down Memory Lane for us to when we first met.

I just tried calling Andy, but he’s on the phone.

Tom still thinks I’ll have 1 or 2 more periods before I get pregnant. We’ll see.

Got an AOL message from Tammy. She and her family still plan on leaving for Florida on August 4th, leaving on her birthday, and returning the next day on the 17th.

Otherwise, not much else has happened since I last wrote. Robin was right again about next door. No parties. Now let’s just see her and Tom be right about you know what.

I’m so envious of these women’s bodies who do gymnastics. I wish I looked like they do. I just cannot stick to any form of exercise to save my life, but I can’t make anyone force me to do so. I certainly can’t discipline myself, either.

Later…

Tom just called again and said he may call again, but no guarantees. I was asking him if he was getting used to sleeping in spurts since according to him, that’s what we’ll both be doing in about a year if all goes well. He said we’ll manage, cuz we make a good team. I told him the worst that could happen is that I’ll die, but at least I’d know the kid would be left with a great dad.

Due to my fear of spiders, I’ll have to remember to put my mail out when it’s light.

I hope I hear from Anna & Harry again.

I left Andy a message, who was on the phone when I called.

Tom picked up a pen for himself today and two more of these kinds (Precise) for me in black and blue. I was gonna use the blue pen after this one dies, but I don’t know cuz it bleeds through. I may use a Bic blue pen.

I wish Precise made pink pens.

Lately, we go broke between paydays (probably cuz of his damn parents), but due to getting that $100 at Evelyn’s, we’re doing fine.

My movie will be done taping in a half-hour. So, for now, I’ll go play computer games or read or whatever.

Later…

Tom and Andy haven’t called back and I watched the movie. Just another typical and predictable horror movie.

I wonder sometimes if we could’ve had a kid, would she or he ever have gotten a hold of these journals after I was gone? And if so, would she or he ever read these? I doubt it. I doubt anyone would really care to read someone else’s journals. Maybe skim through them, though. If I died right now, the only person I can see maybe reading them would be Andy. I doubt Tom would find these interesting at all. Andy and I speak more of the same language, therefore, Tom would probably be bored stiff reading these, if he even had the time.

Later…

Tom just called for the third time and probably the last time.

He disagrees with what I said about not thinking others would want to read others’ journals and about him being bored stiff if he read these. He also believes that the kid he believes we’ll have will read my journals someday. I’ve been having a feeling, actually, that someday my journals will be read by someone, but I don’t know who. Well, I’m not gonna worry about it or let that feeling stop me from saying whatever I have to say.

I wonder how Tom feels about the idea of a child of ours reading the journals where I called him a liar or about our sex lives. I believe I once mentioned the sex part of it to him and he said he wasn’t worried since kids grow up to have sex lives, too. If we ever do have a kid, I’ll have to hide these from it as long as I’m alive. Then again, probably not. After asking myself if I’d have liked to have read my mother’s journals if she kept one, I'd say the answer is no. Except for maybe the parts about me. I think if my parents, Tom, Tammy, Andy, or anyone else I know or have known let me have access to any journals they wrote, I’d take them, but more than likely, I’d skim through most of them.

In shock, I still find myself wondering why I’m so lucky to have Tom and why he loves me so much as I know he does and why he wants to be with me forever as I also know he does. I know I’ve been a bit hard on him for a handful of reasons and I know I’m not the perfect wife or person, but for the most part, I know I’m a good person and a good wife and he’s a great person and great husband.

It should be just about light enough for me to see to stick my mail out, so I’m gonna go do that now. Also, my birds should be waking up. I played with Piggy, so now it’s time to entertain the birds.

SUNDAY, JULY 21, 1996 Tom’s gonna change Piggy’s cage tomorrow.

Tom got $100 at Evelyn’s which is great, but his folks are still feeling shitty.

Also, Tom hurt his back at Evelyn’s. See how nice and fair God is? He gave Tom a hurt back for helping Evelyn. And no wonder God favors murderers. He’s a murderer himself what with talking 230 lives in that plane crash and so many other innocent people’s lives around the world.

Later…

I was wrong about where Tom got the ribbon from. He didn’t get it from his mother. He got it from Mary who got it at work. He says Mary says they’ll be giving away more stuff at her work that we might be able to get our hands on.

I told Tom all about the letter to Marty and why I’m sending it. He listened, and then told me he doesn’t agree with it and thinks it’s wrong, but I’m free to do as I please. I respect that and that’s fair.

I also asked him some questions, since he seems to be an expert. He said he thinks it probably took Evie a few months to conceive. He also says we don’t have to plan on having sex on or around mid-cycle cuz being able to conceive has a broad time frame, like 10 days. I hope he’s right, cuz I’ve always heard differently and Robin mentioned all that stuff about God arranging for me to be mid-cycle on weekends. He also said I would have PMS just like usual if I got pregnant just before. He says PMS (the water retention part) has nothing to do with conceiving and that the water is to prepare to make a water sack for a baby if a baby’s been conceived. If a baby hasn’t been conceived, you get your period and the water gets flushed out. No wonder women gain weight at the beginning of pregnancy. It’s cuz of all the water. He also says it’s not that the hormones are completely different, but that the levels fluctuate and no, it won’t alter my personality or drive me crazy. So does this mean that pregnant women use that and the different hormone levels as an excuse to be bitchy? I can see being pregnant making you uncomfortable or terrified, especially if it’s your first time, but not bitchy, cuz you’re supposed to be happy at that time. Why would anyone want to be bitchy, sad, or mad anyway, without a legit excuse or if they’ve got a medical problem?

As usual, there’s nothing worth watching on TV. Guess I’ll go set up the VCR to tape tomorrow’s women’s gymnastics.

SATURDAY, JULY 20, 1996 I had a brief, yet pleasant enough talk with Tom about what I wrote the day before. In fact, Tom read the previous date’s writing.

He still totally disagrees with me and knows for a fact that one, I’m not sterile and two, I will be pregnant in September or October. Well, I don’t see it, but let’s hope he’s right just like he was about his cumming. I tried to adopt more of an optimistic attitude, but as you can see, that’s easier said than done. Most things, I don’t believe till I see, but if I’m proven wrong on something, then I believe. I told Tom that as each thing happens that I said wouldn’t or couldn’t believe, then I won’t be so pessimistic on that particular thing, but other things that haven’t happened yet, then yes, I’m pessimistic all right.

His parents are doing lousy. Ma can’t handle Dad physically and is very weak and arthritic herself due to all the stress. Tom thinks she’ll get better after Dad goes, but that’s where Mary and I disagree. He said his dad gets weaker by the day and much more out of it.

Mary’s staying overnight tonight, so Tom’s sleeping in bed.

I know that it’s not a very cool thing for me to still be angry at Uncle Marty or anyone else from my past. I should be big enough to tell myself that it’s done and over with and to just forget the past and the past people, but I guess you could say that’s one of my weaknesses and faults. I don’t always let go of the past like I should. I’m not as bad as I used to be, but still, I should keep on doing what I’ve been doing and not have anything to do with Marty. I just can’t, though. For some reason, my letting him know I could take him in a fight nowadays, really releases just about all of the anger I’ve had towards him for threatening me. I’m also kind of pissed at myself, too, and embarrassed for being a little wuss back then and for taking it and for just letting him get away with threatening me like he did. Why didn’t I clobber him? I should have. At that time I’m sure he could’ve clobbered me right back, but it would’ve been worth it to know I tried and didn’t just stand there and take it like a wimp.

I’m not mad anymore at Ronnie cuz I gave him a piece of mind back in 1986 or so. He ended up getting so scared of me that he changed his phone number.

I feel much better now, knowing I’ve talked to Larry and am sending this letter. Anyone else I’ve had problems with is done and over and in the past.

I promise myself this and anyone else who cares to listen and that’s that if I ever have any problems with being threatened by any more family members, neighbors, or anyone, I will jump their ass. I may lose or I may win, but there won’t be any words or threats coming out of my mouth. Only actions will there be.

So, Marty and Ruth are neighbors to my parents, huh? According to Information, they live in the same condos as my parents do. Of course, my parents will hear all about the letter and probably even read it, but I couldn’t care less.

I wonder if I should tell Tom about the letter and why I’m sending it? Maybe I should wait cuz I don’t want Tom to get all worried as he can get paranoid just like I can but in a different way. Also, I’m quite sure there’ll be no response from anyone about it. My parents and Marty and Ruth will be telling so many hundreds of people about it, that by the time they get around to calling me about it, I’m sure they’ll be really damn sick of discussing the subject.

I just remembered something weird. I sang at my funny farm graduation. I sang My Time Has Come. The stupid song I wrote when I was 15. I wonder why they let me sing. I mean, my voice sucked back then. I was a million times worse on my best singing days then, than I am on my worst singing days now.

I’m gonna take a break now to call AOL and see if I have any mail.

Later…

No mail for me, but I left Tammy a message.

Where the fuck are our stamps? Did that fucking mailman misdeliver them? Well, either Tom or myself intend to call the post office tomorrow and find out what the hell is going on. They better not have given them to fucking next door! If they did that or gave them to some other house, how the hell are we gonna prove that? They should’ve been here Wednesday, so I hope to hell they come tomorrow.

I watched some of the opening ceremonies of the Olympics. The only part of it I want to see is the women’s gymnastics.

Well, I’m getting really beat now and can barely see. With all the crying I did today, my eyes are blurred up big time, so I think I’ll hit the sack. I just hope to hell that the cramps I know I’m gonna wake up with aren’t too bad.

Later…

Naturally, I did get my period today and am not too bad in the way of cramps, so that’s good. Besides, I just pop an Ibuprofen when my cramps act up.

The stamps came, so that’s good. Tomorrow I’ll have letters going out to Kim, Bob, Larry, and Marty.

I hope to get a letter from Minnie soon, but who knows?

Later…

I just had to take a few minutes out to take a dump.

Anyway, what I’ll probably do is this. I am gonna get my parents an anniversary card and when I go to pick that up, along with Tammy’s birthday card, I’ll get a postcard and tell Marty how sorry I am for accusing him of leaving that message and that the person whose voice sounded just like his, called me and apologized for accusing me and said that they found out who really called them.

I got caught up on my sleep and feel much better now. I got up at 2 p.m. and am now doing some of the laundry. I’ve got it hanging out on the line. I wanted to get the bulk of it done today cuz I don’t know how much of the morning or late afternoon hours I’ll be awake tomorrow to hang dry stuff. That way, if I have to have Tom dry anything tomorrow, it’ll be one load and mainly sheets.

Robin was right so far. No noise from next door and no Blazer last night or as often. Like I said, I guess she and Mike aren’t seeing each other as much. I hope she doesn’t get a new rap-blasting boyfriend!

Last night Robin made a so-called deal with me. She said she wasn’t gonna tell me which month, but that I’ll be pregnant for sure in either August, September, or October and that if I’m not, she’ll never come near me again. OK, I told her. She said to think about it. Why is it that I haven’t happened to be mid-cycle but only once or twice in the past when it was the weekend? She said why do I suppose that for the last two weekends and the next and maybe even after that, God has it set so I’ll be mid-cycle? I suppose she’s trying to tell me that God has it set up this way to allow us the right time to work on impregnating me. I sure do hope so, anyway, and she and Tom reminded me that God doesn’t hate me and Tom says not to ditch Robin. OK, Tom does seem to be much smarter than I am when it comes to sex and the reproductive system, so I’ll sit back and let him prove the facts of life to me. He’s been right so far. Robin explained to me what she meant by “there’s a good chance” of my conceiving after we screwed when I was mid-cycle. Tom had said there was a 75% chance an egg got hit by a sperm and Robin said it did and it was a boy.

I wonder just how long it took Evie and Marla to conceive? They didn’t have any kids till they were in their 40s, although, Marla did have a few abortions along the way, but I don’t know about Evie.

In my letter to Kim, I told her how Tom said I’d get my period, even though he came in me when I was mid-cycle, and how he explained that a 30-year-old can’t adapt to hormone changes as fast and that he’s 100% sure I’m not sterile and will conceive in September or October. I asked her if she agreed and if this made sense to her. I suppose it would, but I want to hear her opinion anyway. I hope Tammy’s dead wrong when she said that anyone who screws for the 2½ years we did without getting pregnant by the pre-cum, is certainly sterile. I’ll have to ask Tom more about hormone changes. I thought I’d always heard that hormone changes can really play on your personality and moods and even make you kind of whacked out.

Tom says there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to go out and do your average typical job and wanting to stay home and be a wife and mother. I agree. I used to feel I was wrong for feeling the way I do and for wanting what I do, but millions of other women do it and there’s nothing wrong with it. I may even do other things while I was a mother. Like selling an art disk or whatever. We’ll see, but first things first and that is getting the kid in the first place, even though it seems it should take many, many miracles to do so.

Well, time to go get the clothes off the line, so chow for now!

Tom’s at Evelyn’s now as we agreed on, but I sure hope he changes Piggy’s cage and trims the hedges sometime during the weekend.

FRIDAY, JULY 19, 1996 I am so depressed right now. More so than I thought I’d be. I’ve usually been not too good with writing while I was depressed and therefore would forget some of what I had thought or felt at the time. So, I’m trying to break that habit and write while my mind is churning with emotions, feelings, and thoughts.

I didn’t get my period today, but I know I will tomorrow, and am so fucking bloated right now. The only thing I don’t have is sore tits. I have everything else that says my period’s right around the corner and I just don’t see how women can feel like this if they’re pregnant. I mean, no way! Maybe just a tiny fraction of PMS, but this? I don’t think so.

Anyway, the main reason I’m depressed right now is cuz I’m now dealing with my sterility like never before in my whole life. I knew it. I just knew I could never get pregnant and if only Tom knew just how wrong he is about my getting pregnant soon or ever. Now that I know he really does want a kid, there’s gonna be two of us to be let down. I know, though, that it’ll be no big deal to Tom that he can handle it and that it will never hit him an eighth of how it’s hit me.

I should’ve known better than to get all excited about his cumming, other than for the fact that it feels good to him and makes me feel I’ve done my job in bed right.

Once again, I want to know why God hates me so much and why Robin’s such a liar. And Robin said I’d be pregnant by September? Then that I’ll know I’m pregnant by my birthday? This is such bullshit! Why, why, why!!! Why does God hate me so much?! Why does he want to torture me? God will never let me have anything, will he? Oh, we may get some new things here and there and we may move someday, but that’s it. I’ll still be the same old Jodi with the same old life.

Tom and I were talking about my ear one time and he told me that God marks his special ones. Oh yeah? Was I that special to him that he had to mark my plumbing for destruction, too? I hate him, I hate him, I hate him! Won’t he ever just let me have at least one thing I’ve really wanted? Not something I didn’t think of or plan on or want or try for that I got and ended up loving whatever it was and wanting to keep it forever and ever like Tom and like coming out here. I used to feel differently and I hope I’m wrong about this, but I can’t ever see myself getting over not being able to have a child or forgiving God for sterilizing me. Most of the issues that I have to deal with are one after another, lasting for 2-3 years, but not this one. This one may end up being longer than the issue of how bad I had wanted to be a singer. What is this, a case of God feeling I’m ready and tough enough to deal with facing the fact of sterility like never before? Well, I can’t deal with it. And I can’t just say to myself that I’m just not gonna give God the satisfaction of showing him that he’s hurt me and that this situation has hurt me. I can’t carry on with my life as if it’s OK that I can’t have a child. If it were that easy, I’d have done so a long time ago.

I mentioned how Tom talked about a 30-year-old getting used to hormone changes and that getting pregnant would take 2-3 months. Well, I wish he were right, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that 30 or not, I should’ve conceived at the time we did it. To do it 14 days before your period is supposed to be the prime time for conception.

They say no one’s ever fought God and won, so I guess I’ll just have to be the first. Somehow, some way, I must deal with this and get over it and get it out of my system. I know I must do something in life, too, even if it’s gonna be second best and even if my heart’s not gonna be in it.

I hate Robin so much now and I don’t ever want Robin anywhere near me! How dare she say this shit just to tell me what I want to hear to cheer me up while knowing it’s pure bullshit! They’re just like I thought Tom was up till the day he came.

Just about every single time I’ve ever been happy, it’s for nothing. I’m such a stupid, silly dreamer with no real destiny or future. All I’ll do is get occasional bursts of happiness about something that doesn’t even exist or about something that’s just an illusion or that just doesn’t last long at all or pan out to be much. God just loves to tease me. It’s like he’s saying to me, “I’ll give you happiness here and there, and then just when you think it may last, I’ll throw you back down so hard and laugh while you cry in depression, frustration, and anger.”

THURSDAY, JULY 18, 1996 For the second time since next door’s been here, I hear music coming from their house. It’s perfectly fine with me, though, cuz you can only faintly hear it in the music room and it’s not like it’s bassy and rocks the whole house like that car stereo can.

The Blazer isn’t there as much anymore which is fine with me. Guess they’re not getting along as well or as much or something.

I’m just really worried about how the noise situation around here will be in the winter. Robin says not to worry at all, but we’ll see.

Today I feel much better than yesterday. I only shit once today and today my stomach hasn’t been bothering me in the way of gas or pre-cramps and my boobs are still fine. This is typical, though, to get symptoms of the period coming on, but then the last two days or so before the period can be much comfier.

Guess they didn’t feel like listening to music for long. I just walked by that room to go to the bathroom and it was silent. I hope that the weather report I just heard means that Robin will be right when she says that this weekend there’ll be no parties next door and that they’ll be gone throughout most of the weekend. It’s gonna be drying up and it’s to be 110° tomorrow, then 112° during the weekend. Hot and dry they say.

I forgot to mention this, but according to Robin, they probably won’t be getting a dog next door, figuring they just don’t have enough time to tend to it. That’s smart, rather than to leave it outside 24/7 like two yards down does. Those are just guard dogs, but that still is a cruel thing to do to even guard dogs, if you ask me.

I hope this weekend will be good, other than the fact that I’ll be cramping and ragging. Maybe a little sad too, as it’ll be a reminder to me once again, that I just can’t conceive. And that means no matter what age I am, too. I get it. God felt that I’ve done my time dealing with Tom’s not cumming, and now that he is, he feels I’m ready to deal with the next step and that’s going from 99.9% sure I’m sterile to 100% sure I’m sterile. Then I’ll have to deal with that forever since no fertility specialist could ever do a damn thing about it. Then God will also stick another one of those 2-3-year deals on me where I’ll have something different or freaky to eat at my emotions. Is that it?

I talked to Andy today for too long, as usual, but his mouth just kept going a mile a minute and he just wouldn’t let me off the fucking phone. Still, we had a nice talk. The bulk of it was about his many and mixed feelings about Quinn. He’s had him sexually more than he ever thought possible lately, but yet has a hard time with the fact that Quinn is so closeted.

Andy also called Barbara Nicks and asked her to the movies. As we both figured, she’s busy. She did tell him, though, that he’s the first young man in quite a while to ask her to the movies.

According to Andy, he dreamt about Fran and thinks that means he’s gonna try to contact us. I hope not, but if Tom or I answer the phone and it’s him, we’ll just hang up. If he’s been such a good boy this long, why would he start up now? It wouldn’t surprise me, though, unless he’s in jail, the funny farm, or dead.

Again we got no mail today. Not even the stamps we ordered, so I hope to hell they come tomorrow. I’d just die if those got misdelivered. If they ever delivered something of importance to us to next door, I know they’d never return it. I ought to send something there to myself to see just how honest they are, but it’s not worth the stamp to find out what I already figure greatly on and if the mailman saw the name S on it, he’d cross out their number, write ours on it and deliver it here.

Tom’s over at his parent’s house now putting some kind of lock on their doors. Always doing something for them.

Last night or the night before, Wendy called and he told me he doubted she’d be calling for a while.

Yeah, right. I suppose that’s why she just called a little while ago. She’s such a pushy one! I mean, she’s got two kids, so where is she getting all this time to sit and call us and play computer? Wendy really had the hots for Tom, so has she just gotten to really missing him or trying to bug us or what? I know they got it on here a few times before we met. I wonder, did he cum for her?

Anyway, when Tom comes in, I assume he’ll be beat and just want to sit in front of the TV till he goes to bed. I hope he’ll take care of something we need done soon enough and that’s Piggy’s cage, cuz it really needs to be done.

I’m rather ticked off that he said he won’t post for another job now, which he’s eligible to do, till after this shit with his parents is over. First of all, this shit with his parents won’t be over for quite a while. Second of all, I’m sick of him putting off decisions that affect us both and putting others first. Why the hell can’t he and Mary talk to the other family members and tell them to get off their lazy asses and do their fair share? Why does Tom have to do nearly everything? Why can’t David do the damn door or something for a change? Must he use his kid as an excuse when these people do have the money for a babysitter if Evie’s not around? I can see, though, just how easy it’d be to use a kid as an excuse to get out of doing something you don’t like to do or want to do or just can’t deal with. I’d probably try to say that my kid was sick or something like that and kids are always sick, so I’m sure I’d be believed if I had a kid.

I’m almost finished with the doggie journal I’m in and truthfully, I’ve been anxious to get out of it cuz I can’t wait to get to the fruit journal. Also, the one after that which will be the one for Women Who Do Too Much, ought to be different and interesting enough, too. The blue and purple one with the crumpled paper look, has plain white lined paper, and at the same time the cover’s nothing special, it is kind of nice looking. Tom really liked it a lot and it’s totally something I can see him buying and writing in if he were into writing journals.

It’s pretty nice outside now, but it’s still pretty warm. Once the sun goes down, I’ll switch over to the EC.

I kept busy today when I wasn’t on the phone. I wrote and I cleaned the house. I was too lazy to dust, but I gave the appliances a quick clean-up to keep them from getting built up with shit, then I cleaned the bathroom and vacuumed.

Later…

Tom got in and he says his dad’s doing terrible. Very weak and incoherent. He’d be moaning in pain one minute, then saying he was hungry another minute, then tired the next minute and tonight he was singing cheerfully for a good 20 seconds or so.

Tom’s mom doesn’t use her computer too much anymore cuz of her arthritis. Especially now that the monitor just completely died. So, she gave us one of her ribbons and Tom’s now unloading a dead ribbon from its case and loading the one she gave us into it cuz its case was of a different size. I hope it works. I don’t see why it can’t.

I was absolutely shocked, yet flattered to hear what Tom told me earlier. Mary can’t have kids due to having to have a hysterectomy. Tom said that he thinks Mary would’ve made just an average mother and that I’d make an even better mother than her. Wow! What faith he has in me! Well, I’m trying to adopt the “you never know” attitude, but it’s hard. Yes, I know that things have happened that I never thought could or would, but we’re talking a whole different ball game here.

Later…

Tom just went to bed. He’s really beat, as usual.

He brought home a video of Ryan’s high school graduation and a couple of blank tapes to make copies for those who want one. (another thing to do for others) This kid got a graduation ceremony and a party with money and gifts and all kinds of things for graduating. Lucky kid. All I got was a music book and a most-improved-behavior award. How humiliating, huh?

Tom’s sleeping out here in the back room right now due to the way things are with his dad.

I know this may sound like a really cruel and sick thing to say, but even though his parents are so sweet and I love to see them, I wish they didn’t exist. They’re stealing our lives away. Then again, if it weren’t them stealing our lives, it’d be something or someone else. There’s always a problem somewhere with somebody.

This Saturday he’s working at Evelyn’s who does pay him well cuz I’ll be sleeping late and due to having my period that day, I won’t feel the greatest body-wise or head-wise. I just hope Evelyn doesn’t need him next weekend and the next and the next. This is only the 4th or 5th time, I think, that she’s needed Tom to work for her, so she’s not that bad. Not as bad as Wendy’s phone calls and certainly not as bad as Tom’s parents. Still, his parents are very lucky to have kids like Tom and Mary. When we get old and senile or disabled or weak or whatever the case may be, there’ll be no one to take care of us and help us out. Getting old is really a scary thought to me due to all the pain and disability it means having, and then the fact that there’ll be no one there for us makes it worse.

Andy and I were discussing a pattern we’ve noticed in our lives that’s the opposite of the pattern my sister and I seem to have. Well, usually when things are good here, they’re not so good with my sister or her family, and vice versa. With Andy and I, well, when he has good luck, I do too, and when he has bad luck, I do, too. He’s been having good luck lately and we have too (except for being busy and with Tom’s family), so I told him to keep having good luck so that it’ll keep rubbing off on us and maybe, just maybe, we will have a kid. My hopes may be rather unrealistic, but like I said before, dreams are dreams and we all have them.

He’s confused a lot of the time about Quinn, yet he also understands him. When Quinn and Andy are together around Quinn’s friends, Quinn acts like Andy’s just a friend and doesn’t want anyone to know about them. But when they’re alone, it’s a different story. The thing that makes it hard for Andy is that Quinn calls all the shots. He can’t talk about sex, ask for sex, or have sex with Quinn unless Quinn brings it up. Andy said he said to Quinn that it’d be nice if every once in a while he could call Quinn up for sex, but Quinn just doesn’t like that idea. He describes Quinn as very selfish, insecure, and miserable, at the same time he’s friendly and loving. And of course, he’s all fucked up on drugs and is just so damn naïve. I hope things work out, though, and I told Andy to just give it time, cuz you never know. He’s already gotten further than he ever thought he would, so he just might get even further with Quinn in time.

Later…

I just got up to leave Andy a quick message and let him in on the latest scoop in our lives and now I’m gonna take a shower which I need desperately. I need to shave and boy, does my hair need washing!

Dear Uncle Marty,

I was very upset to come home to a message from you on our answering machine saying, “How dare you prank phone call us and I’ll come out there and kick your butt if you do it again.”

First of all, I haven’t made a prank phone call to you or anyone else since 1991. Second of all, you wouldn’t stand a fraction of a chance in a fight with me in this day and age. Third of all, I thought our past problems were just that - past problems.

Yes, we’ve all done wrong in the past and yes, I am 100% guilty of calling you several years ago and having my friend call you. However, I now haven’t a thing in the world against you and your family and I wish you no harm or ill luck whatsoever and I was really hoping we could just let dead dogs lay dead. I’m sorry you have such bad feelings towards me and I can’t change that, but I still do love you and Aunt Ruth and wish you both luck, happiness, and good health.

Jodi Lin

What you just read, believe it or not, is a letter I’m sending to my uncle, even though the part of it with the message he left is bullshit. Why am I doing this? Oh, I guess for two reasons. I’m just curious to see what type of response it’ll stir up, either from them or my folks, if anyone at all. Also, I just had to make that threat about him not being able to beat me at this time, and that’s the truth too, as is the rest of the letter. I’ve had a lot of anger towards my two uncles for several years. I don’t know why or why I haven’t gotten over the past. The reason for my anger toward Uncle Ronnie is that he was always such a bully. So rude and macho. I mean, he thought he was just the toughest thing in the world. As for Uncle Marty, well, I think I’ve mentioned the bullshit thing they accused me of and how he reacted to it when I was 14. I stood with him and Aunt Ruth at a campground in Connecticut for a little while one summer and this boy and I were getting a little touchy-feely cuz I just didn’t know how to say no. Well, they thought we went much further, after they found out about it, which I never had any intention of doing. They wouldn’t listen to me. They wouldn’t believe me and this had gotten me into enough hot water with my parents, of course. And of course, my parents believed them and not me. Then one of them or both of them hit me (I can’t remember which or if it was both). Then Marty came over to the house and scared the shit out of me and threatened me cuz I slammed the door on his face cuz I was pissed off at him for lying about me and for how he treated me. If only I were like I am now back then. I’ve thought it a million times over. I would’ve dogged him and I mean dogged him! I wouldn’t have cared what the consequences were.

Other than that, I’ve gotten over my anger towards Larry and a few others here and there who did me wrong in the past. I mean, I do wish I had ended up fighting a few people back in school and people like Bonnie (Brenda’s roommate on Woodside Terrace). And also Barbara in the NHA, but I had either been too nice, too sick, or physically unable to do so at the time. If I had been able to, I’m sure I’d have spared myself a lot of shit from them, but I also would’ve been arrested, too, I’m sure. So there’s both good and bad to the way the past turned out. Yup, with my temper the way it was in the past, which was a million times worse than it could ever be now, I’d have spent plenty of time in court and maybe even jail, too.

The ribbon prints just great. I just used it to print Mary’s letter, then I copied and pasted it in. Tom said it won’t last as long, though, as this ribbon is shorter.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 17, 1996 I just applied a really cool screen saver. It’s called ‘leaky roof’ and water droplets come down one by one and make the stuff on the screen look all soggy and rippely, just as it would if water spilled on a piece of paper or if you were looking at a piece of paper that was underwater. It’s pretty neat. I like to change things around every now and then for variety. Stuff like screen savers, wallpaper, and fonts.

I thought my so-called “sterility reminder” was here today as I’ve had massive pre-cramping today. The weird thing about it was that it turned out I just needed to take a dump. This happened a few times yesterday and a few times today. At one point, I was lying in bed cuz my stomach acted up in a way that did feel like cramps for sure, but then Robin came and said it wasn’t cramps I was feeling and that I just needed to go to the bathroom. “But I just did,” I had thought. Then, sure enough, my stomach got worse in a way that I could then tell was a need to shit, so I did.

I’m getting really skeptical, once again, of Robin. I just remembered that Robin told me I’d be finding out I was pregnant by September. I looked it up in my journals and there it was in quotes what she had told me. That’s impossible. Even if I weren’t sterile, September’s too soon for a 30-year-old to conceive. Why is she lying? What’s on her mind? What’s motivating her to tell me such shit? And now she’s saying that she won’t tell me when but that by my birthday I’ll know for sure I’m pregnant.

Oh, come on! Give me a break! Who does she think she’s kidding? God can’t love me that much and so suddenly, can he? If he hated me for the most part, how can he love me that much now to give us a child?

I know Tom proved me wrong on something I was dead sure of, but how can he just know and have so much confidence that I’ll be pregnant in a few months? How many times can he prove me wrong? How many more times can Robin be right? She was wrong about how long the company would be next door, even though she said she is sometimes wrong about the smaller things in life, but still, for her to know and be right about the pregnancy just seems too far out in left field.

All that she’s told me about my getting pregnant now or real damn soon, then carrying it to term, then having it naturally, just seems as impossible as me waking up 6 feet tall and being able to snap my fingers and be on the moon, then snap my fingers again and have many $100 dollar bills in my hand.

I just don’t get it. Why would she say these things? Why would Tom? God’s never given me anything that I desperately wanted so very, very, very bad. Only stuff I wanted to keep very, very, very bad like being here and having Tom after I’d gotten these things. So, the big question is, why would he start now? He never gave me a singing career that I desperately wanted. He never gave me the woman I desperately wanted badly. So why should he give me the child I desperately want badly? Why would he suddenly smile down upon me and decide to bless me in such a grand way? It doesn’t seem logical for him to do so. It doesn’t fit the pattern. Especially when I still feel that yes, he gave me some gifts that he’ll probably never let me use in a professional kind of way, but for the bulk of my life God has hated me.

I don’t know when Tom will be home, cuz I’m assuming that he’s making his daily trip to his parent’s house, while everyone else except for Mary sits on their ass as if nothing’s going on. Tom wants to go, though, regardless of what other people do cuz he really does love his dad very much. As he told me, he’s the greatest person he’s ever known. I think Tom’s dad dying is gonna hit him harder than anyone else that could ever die that he knows. Even me. And even our child, if we could’ve ever had one.

I’d still like to know what my destiny is. I thought that God had given me a voice to sing with to share with the world, but I was wrong. So what can I share with anyone, other than a clean house and some conversation? If I can’t use my voice or my plumbing, what can I use? What can I do?

I can’t be alone. There’s got to be other people in this world in the very same situation I’m in. I can’t be that unique, even though I know there’s definitely been some pretty damn unique things about me or those I’ve known. Still, I’d like to talk to someone like me and ask them, what do they do? How do they handle it? Do they settle? Do they do nothing? Do they just kill time and wait till their time is up? I wonder.

I’ll probably have to see Doctor Rauche for a checkup in 2-3 months when my yearly prescriptions run out and Tom says that he feels it’s very possible that I’ll be there for a pregnancy test too. Yeah, I fantasized about that myself, but I’m just so afraid it’s just that, a fantasy. Will Tom go back to his old ways? Will we never hit it right if I am sterile due to bad timing or not having enough time?

Well, there’s no use dwelling on it cuz if there’s anything Robin’s told me that I agree with 100%, it’s that fate is fate and nothing I say or do is gonna change something that’s inevitable, whether it’s a good thing or not.

It looks like things are clearing up outside. It was sunny today, but still sort of humid. Last night, though, it finally got comfortable enough to run the EC and air the place out.

We’ve got to change Piggy’s cage, though, as he’s starting to stink.

Tom mowed yesterday after spraying the yard with ant killer and he said he’d trim the hedges by the clothesline back for me by the weekend since I sometimes still like to hang stuff out. Especially sheets. When he’s not here, I usually use the line to save him the trouble of having to go out to the dryer, especially if he’s tired, and if I’m tired, too, and I just want to get it over with.

I sometimes wonder if I should type up my old letter journals, but are they that important? The only real purpose of having typed versions of my journals is in case of a fire, so hopefully they’ll never be used. The only time I use them is to search for things quickly. Also, I can’t see a need for this, but if I wanted to print out a section or excerpt for someone, I could do that without giving them my journal.

See? That’s the fourth fucking time I’ve shit today. I did this 3 times yesterday and 4 times today, yet my weight is up to 104 which is the highest I’ve been in a while. I’m supposed to be constipated at this time of month, but I’m sure I will be for the next day or two. That’s OK, though, cuz I’ve shit enough to last a week. It’s confusing at times to know for sure which is a pre-cramp and which is a shit cramp.

Later…

Tom’s home now and he told me that the reason why my stomach has been the way it has been is cuz I’ve eaten too much ice cream. Could be and probably is.

He also said that his dad went to the doctor today which was really rough on him. It was kind of hard for Mom, too, and the doctor told her not to bring him back in cuz it’s too hopeless and he’s going to die. He said there’s nothing left to do for him, but that the hospice nurse can give him whatever she thinks will make him more comfortable.

Tom’s been thinking of the perfect latch for the doors cuz he goes out in the middle of the night naked. It’s not senility he’s got, but due to the constant pain he’s in and the medication, he’s been very disoriented. Sometimes at night, he swears it’s early morning or something like that. He and Ma are trying to figure out some kind of latch that’ll confuse him into getting the door open, but that also won’t make it impossible for Ma to open the door. In a sense, he’s more able-bodied than she is. I suggested a chain lock or a latch lock that slides.

Mary agrees with me, but Tom doesn’t, about Mom. You see, life’s just one thing after another and since something up there is so determined to keep Tom busier than all hell and have one thing after another after another after another go on in our lives, I think ma’s next. Meaning, I think that after dad dies, we’ll need to tend to ma all the time. Tom doesn’t agree with Mary and me and says that once she’s set up properly and has the stuff she needs, she’ll be OK by herself and won’t need constant help. This I’ve got to see to believe, but for ma’s sake and the family’s sake, I hope Tom’s right and that Mary and I are wrong. So then we’ll get hit with something else. Something else will be going on that’ll steal our time or money or both from us.

I don’t know how we can afford this, but Tom asked me which CD I wanted the most from the record club. We still have to buy a few more in the next year or two. They don’t have Linda’s or Gloria’s new CD yet, so I told him The Best of the Village People would do just fine.

That scale of ours is pretty whacked out, cuz now it’s telling me I weigh 100 and not 104 or 102.

In a few minutes, Tom and I are going swimming.

Later…

Just came in from our swim a little while ago and I just de-waxed my ear. Tom says he doesn’t think it was my wisdom tooth that was bothering me. He thinks it was my ear. I thought this time it was my tooth, but now it feels almost 100% better, so that’s nice, no matter what it was. Maybe whenever I feel that way I should take Ibuprofen and de-wax my ear, rather than take Ibuprofen and put alcohol and peroxide in my ear.

The humidity is down a little, so we’re gonna switch to the EC after the sun goes down like we did last night.

Well, who knows if Tom will be in the mood for fun tonight. He’s tired as usual, but it’s OK cuz I took care of myself when I got horny earlier.

Tom just asked me if I wanted the TV now and I said no. Then he said he didn’t want it, but then why is he still watching it? I figured he’d watch it till he goes to bed which ought to be any time now.

Not surprisingly, Tom did find something on TV and I was watching a little myself. Not too good. A plane exploded a few hours ago in New York, about 10 miles out into the Atlantic. They say it’s either a bomb or a malfunction in the engine, but they don’t know for sure. If it’s a bomb, though, I’d think it’d be an inside job due to the mega security they have. Tom says he thinks it’s an engine gone bad and that they had no way of detecting it.

I was reading my book some more, but I want to go to the library as soon as we can to look for some book titles I copied down on a piece of paper that I got out of the back covers of some past horror books I’ve read. Hopefully, I’ll find them and hopefully they’ll be just what I like.

We switched to the EC, and it’s tolerable in here, so that’s good.

TUESDAY, JULY 16, 1996 Got up at 10 AM today and yesterday. Last night, I didn’t think I’d ever fall asleep. Nothing was wrong. I was just filled with energy.

My wisdom tooth has been acting up and Tom said something about getting my teeth taken care of in a couple of months. We’ll see. I mean, yes, they do need to be taken care of and I have problems with several teeth as well as the gums, but could we really have that kind of money in just a couple of months? I know Dad’s leaving Tom some money, but after the bills are paid and we’re out of debt, it seems unbelievable that there’d be money left over for new cooling/heating stuff, a new roof, my teeth, the bed, and all the other things Tom’s been talking about. We’ll just have to wait and see.

At 1 p.m., it looked like it was early morning out. It was drizzling out. It’s been very cloudy out and just went it looked like the sun was gonna pop out, clouds came in. It’s the humidity that’s the bitch of it all and it hardly feels like we’re in the desert. I wish we could air the place out and use the EC, but it’s too humid for that so we’ve still got the AC on.

Tammy says they’re not going to Florida now till August 4th, cuz of the doctor’s appointments she and Bill have.

Being only 4 days away from my period, I’ve been having good luck as far as PMS goes. My chest is barely sore at all and I’ve had minimal pre-cramps and water gain and no emotional shit so far.

I told Tom that it still seems logical that sterility is so probable for me. He said I was very wrong, though, and I told him he can gladly prove me wrong yet again, but has a lot of odds stacked against him in which to do so. It’s more than a gut feeling or a vibe or intuition and the DES. My weight used to fluctuate a lot and of course, I was a walking pharmacy for most of my life and I didn’t get periods from age 16 to 18.

At least I haven’t had any dreams with strange messages.

Later…

I’ve only got a few minutes to write, then I’ll be checking out of here cuz I want to see a movie that might hopefully be good. For the most part, though, nothing’s too good or too interesting on TV till the fall. It’s nothing but reruns now and all year round there’s enough of that shit anyway.

Since grouping my journals on the computer, there are only 6 groups that are of Arizona journals. I used the search mode to see if I mentioned a certain dream I had a few years ago, and to my surprise, I have never written about it. It’s a pretty scary, yet funny dream in a way. As you know, my life was once so bad that I used to wish I could wake up and see that it was all just a nightmare. Well, I certainly got my chance to do just that in real life when I had the dream I’m about to write about.

I was walking down a beautiful desert road wearing a gorgeous flowing white chiffon dress and I was barefoot. I was admiring the beautiful weather and the scenery around me with cactuses, palm trees, and mountains. I was walking through some mountain trail, I guess, and at one point I was walking down the street of a suburban neighborhood just like ours when suddenly, my feet got very cold.

“No!” I cried. “It can’t be what I think it is.”

Sure enough, though, I slowly lowered my head to look down at my feet and I was standing in snow. Terrified, I slowly looked up, so afraid my worst nightmare had come true and it did. I was standing in the same outfit, still barefoot in the snow in downtown Springfield by Bay State West. In a panic, I ran inside the front doors where the payphones have always been and tried calling different people I’d known in the Springfield area. Either no one was home or I’d get busy signals. So I finally called Tammy and when she answered, I told her about my situation. At first she didn’t believe me, then she said,

“Well, tough shit. This is your problem, so you get yourself out of it all by yourself.”

Then I woke up. Never had I been so relieved to know that that was just a dream and I ran to the window and admired Arizona’s beauty till my sweat dried up and till my heart stopped pounding.

Later…

The movie seemed shitty, so I guess I’ll write some more. I mentioned a neat idea to Tom that I’ve had for a while. Again, I don’t know how we could ever afford to do this. I was thinking how neat it’d be to clean the patio up of all its bird shit and junk that’s out there and lay down some cheap carpet over the bulk of the area. Then put a table and chairs there and screen the patio and put a screen door in and make it what’s called an Arizona room. Then put a table with an umbrella and some chairs, including a new lounge, out by the grassy area and the cool deck. That cool deck, which is a textured cement surface that surrounds the pool, sure does get hot and fries your feet, even though it’s cooler than the concrete on the patio that’s smooth. Also, we’d have to take down the bench swing, which the birds have totally claimed, anyway, and it’d be nice to get that rocker bench for either outside or inside the patio area, but if it were outside, it’d really have to be covered well, cuz anything that’s put outside, is for the birds to claim and do whatever they please with.

We ordered stamps by mail and I guess they’ll be here tomorrow. Now I’m only writing to Bob and Kim since Tammy’s got a computer and my parents are history. Of course, I also write to Larry and his family.

I just hope everything continues to work out. So far, so good, but still it seems we’ll never have enough time for each other. If a 30-year-old DES person really can get pregnant in a few months, will we even have the time to do so? He’s so tired most of the time due to having to tend to his parents after work nearly every day and my schedule isn’t always on days. I just wish the other family members would do their fair share and stop sticking the bulk of it on Tom, and then on Mary. Mary’s been kind enough to stay there overnight several times, but what about Ray, Nora, Evie, and the two Davids? Have they got a problem with it or something? Does it make them that uncomfortable? Well, we all like to be in our own beds and I sure as hell wouldn’t want to sleep over there, but if I need to and if that’s something I can do to help out, then I will.

I hope we can get a new ribbon soon. I’m amazed that the color one we’ve been using is still alive. It’s barely alive, but that’s only cuz I’ve been printing with pink in a low resolution. If I were to use a higher resolution and print in blues, purples, or black, it’d really drain the juice out of it. I am getting sick of pink print, though, so the next time I print stuff, I may keep the low resolution, but print in blue or something like that. When I look at the 4 color bands on the ribbon which are yellow, red, blue, and black, I can see that all the colors are worn out except for the blue.

I hope it doesn’t rain anymore or stay humid, but that’s a dream. It is the monsoon season after all and it’ll be this way till mid-September. I wish it’d rain every single weekend, though. That’d keep neighbors quiet, although they have been, thank God.

I haven’t been reading that 510-page book by Dean Koontz lately, so pretty soon I think I’m gonna jump back into it before I forget what the hell’s going on. I’m halfway through it.

When I was in the bookstore, they had a horror section with all kinds of books that I’m totally into. Now why can’t any of these libraries do that and have horror sections? What’s the big deal?

I think I may have forgotten to mention this, but when I bought the last 3 journals, the guy there at the store gave us a card and I think after you’ve bought $10 worth of stuff 8 times ($80), you get a $7 book free. It may be 10 times, though. The 3 journals had come to $19 and change, but the guy stamped off the card two times. Before a year is out, I’ll get that $7 off. Probably even before 1996 is out with the way I write.

After midnight, I’ll be technically 3 days away from my period and I wonder now, why am I so lucky this month? I have no tit pain. I can only feel a little soreness if I press into the sides, but this has been the best my tits have ever felt before a period. They feel like they do after my period and I’ve hardly had any pre-cramps. I’ve had some, though. I’m sure, though, that within the next few days, I’ll feel worse and pretty shitty on Saturday. Thank God for Ibuprofen, though.

I know I’m not pregnant, of course, but I asked Tom how Tammy could feel like she was gonna get her period as she said she did when she got pregnant. Tom said it’s kind of like a psychological thing and when something’s going on down there, a woman automatically relates it to her period. But you can’t feel anything going on down there for the first 2 or 3 months, so that’s weird. Real weird. She said that after her period was supposed to be over, though, the symptoms went away.

MONDAY, JULY 15, 1996 I wish today was like yesterday. It’s cool and cloudy which is perfect for visiting people, running errands, and going shopping. When I’m at home, though, I love it hot and sunny.

I’m surprised the kids two yards down aren’t out screaming on their monkey bars.

Robin was right. No parties next door.

Robin came to me last night and here are all the things she told me: In the winter, next door and two yards down won’t be any worse. I’ll only hear them occasionally and not for long. I’ll be finding out I’m pregnant quite soon enough and she knows to the minute when I’ll conceive and have it. She knows if it’s a girl or a boy. No C-section will be required and I’ll have it about an hour after going to the hospital. She said it may be hard, but fast and that overall, it won’t be the long drawn-out nightmare I think it’ll be. She says it’ll be easier to have than carry and not quite as bad as I thought. I might be uncomfortable down there for a while after, but no big deal. I’ll be happy being a mother and have no regrets about it.

I told her this all seemed too good to be true and she said not all things that sound too good to be true are a joke. She said things that are too good to be true do happen all the time. More than I think.

She also said no, my family won’t be negative towards us about it and they won’t nag, hassle, or lecture us. Well, good, cuz I’d just hang up on them or not take it.

Time will tell, though, how much Robin will be right or wrong on.

We screwed last Saturday evening and Tom said he had a mini orgasm for sure, but neither of us hardly felt any cum. I believe him, though. Guys throb before they cum in a way that they don’t during any other time and I sure felt him throb.

Mary told me she and Dave got a mattress that’s not that Do Not Disturb mattress but acts similarly. She says if Dave sits at the edge of the bed and rocks it, she can feel it, but she can’t feel him tossing and turning. Can you believe they paid $1200 for it?! The bed we want is cheaper than that. She said the reason they paid so much is cuz they needed a super long mattress cuz Dave’s 6’ 4”.

Well, I think I’ll go grab a bite to eat, then start typing some of this up.

Later…

Got a letter from Bob and I began typing one back to him. I did a lot of writing today.

Tom mowed his parent’s yard today and when he came home, I had pork chops and a baked potato ready for him.

He put some algaecide in the pool.

I’m sure he’ll be too tired to do anything tonight if you know what I mean. I’m not too terribly horny now, though, so I can live without it.

Maybe we’ll play some cards, but I think I’ve done enough writing for now!

SUNDAY, JULY 14, 1996 Today was a very busy day for both of us. Tom got $105 worth of groceries, then after we ate, we took off for Mom and Dad’s.

Mary and Johnny were there and we all worked on different things.

I vacuumed and Tom tore up the filthy smelly carpet from the room Dad’s in, then we rearranged the room.

Ma gave me $10 for helping out, then we went to the mall where I got 3 journals, and to Old America where I got 2 doggie mugs. Now I have 7. I have a Lhasa Apso, Golden Retriever, Maltese, Sheltie, Collie, and two Irish Setters.

Tom dropped me off after we got some ice cream and then Tom returned to his parent’s house to put up rails in the bathroom.

After he dropped me off I did 3 loads of laundry. I washed and hung dry them figuring I’d do Tom a favor so he wouldn’t have to come home after working so hard and dry 3 loads of laundry. Well, little did I know just how much I was really helping him, cuz he came home with an upset stomach.

The last time he saw Evie, he said she looked 7-8 months pregnant. When I asked why she hadn’t said anything, he said that’s just one of Evie’s and David’s stupid ways. They supposedly never told anyone else that they moved till they actually did.

Evie and David are really selfish, though I understand David’s stress. However, they use their kid as an excuse not to do their fair share of helping out with mom and dad and not to pay Tom back for helping them move. They keep talking about it, though, and Tom and Mom and Dad were the only ones who knew they were moving. still, I wish Ray, Nora, Evie, and David would get off their lazy asses and stop sticking 80% of the work on Tom and 20% of the work on Mary.

I just wonder, will we ever have time for ourselves?! Will we ever be able to screw more than once a week? I told Tom that he could go to selfish little Evelyn’s next Saturday due to how my schedule will be then. Plus, I’ll be ragging and cramping and not up to doing too much.

Tom said that he was excited, actually, when I told him we did it mid-cycle till he remembered that it takes a 30-year-old time to adapt to hormone changes. He said that that’s why he thinks it’ll take till September or October. Makes sense to me, God permitting. If I never got pregnant the 10 or so times I was dumb enough to not use protection when I was 21 (thank God I didn’t, though), one pop as a 30-year-old ain’t gonna do it. If it were really possible for me to conceive, then I’d think it’d take many, many months, but I hope not. Tom said that there was a 75% chance that an egg was fertilized last week, but of course, it never could’ve hooked and stayed hooked.

SATURDAY, JULY 13, 1996 Oh, shit! Some people they hired are doing next door’s lawn now, just like the Saturday they had that long wild party. The only good thing about a company doing their yard is that if it were Mike instead, he’d have the Blazer stereo going and maybe the kid with him too. How many people, though, are gonna come do someone’s lawn on a Saturday? This is how I know there’s gonna be a big party and the weather’s suitable enough for it for people like them who can stand the heat. It’s only gonna be 106º today and it’s not as humid. I haven’t heard the kid since the last party on May 18th, but I’ll certainly hear it plus 5 more. Yup, this lawn company definitely isn’t regular since they haven’t been here in nearly a month. They only come when there’s gonna be a party.

Shit! I knew they wouldn’t be gone on weekends for long and that I’d be compensated. When they’re not here on weekends they must be partying at other people’s houses. I’d guess they rotate between 4 or 5 houses.

Well, I better enjoy myself while it lasts, cuz between noon and 2:00, the company will be here. So much for Tom and I having a nice peaceful swim later!

Later…

The landscapers left and boy was that fast.

Now I know that Robin’s visit a few minutes ago was just my imagination telling me what I want to hear. She said they’re not having a party, the weekend will be peaceful, I will have a baby and Tom won’t go back to his old ways.

Then why were they blowing the carport? That’s obvious. It’s so they can eat and entertain there with more coverage than the back patio and to get as close as they can to this house to piss me off, cuz everyone likes to toss their noise on others. It is getting deathly hot and humid out, but these people don’t mind, I’m sure.

I wish their company would call them saying they were sick or just not in the mood to party in the heat and humidity, but no such luck. Most people love a party and free food and being at someone else’s house so they can leave when they feel like it and not have to clean up.

Robin said, though, that I’ll see that everything she’s told me will come true and that she’ll reassure me all I need till I do see it come true.

I don’t know about that. I’m just so afraid of Tom going back to his old ways. What if he never cums again or doesn’t for many months or years?

He’s working on Evelyn’s trailer floor today and I guess she’s paying him well cuz he said to go ahead and make a full-fledged, old-fashioned grocery list, and then when he returns at around 4:00, he’s taking me out to pick up some Chinese food.

He’s been up since around 4 PM and I asked him if he thinks he’ll have energy left for “mutual” sex by the time we get around to it and he said yes.

After he came the last time we screwed last Saturday, he had said he thought it’d be mid-cycle the next Saturday and not that Saturday. What if this scared him that I was mid-cycle when we did it? What if he only meant to cum once just to get me off his back for a while and to get me to believe in him? And also, what if it was a tease? What if he said to himself, “I’ll just cum real good once to get you off my case and believing in me, then if you think I’ll keep cumming and that we’re gonna have a kid, you’re a sucker!”

God, I hope not! I hope I’m not gonna be paying for that day last Saturday with a party and a non-cumming dick! I know there’s gonna be a party, though.

Later…

I still can’t get Tom to divulge the secret, though he still swears it’s got nothing to do with cumming or a kid. He says it’s more like a material thing, but then he said it had to happen in its own time. That’s what he always said about his cumming and the kid and something you have to let “happen in its own time” doesn’t sound like a material thing to me.

I still want to know how he just “knows” I’m not pregnant now. Is it a denial statement? Is it too soon? Is it a vibe, an instinct, an intuition, or does he know something I don’t that makes him so sure? I mean, he is so sure. It’s like he’d be his life on it and yes, I believe him. Well, I’m definitely, definitely not pregnant. And this is even though I have no PMS symptoms.

Please, God! Please don’t let my happiness be short-lived or a joke!

Later…

These people next door are sick to be having a party in another hour or so. Just when I thought it’d be cooler today – uh-uh! It’s so hot my feet fry on the shaded areas of the patio and the pool is like bathwater.

They’re not home now, but that’s part of the plan. Tom says he thinks he plays basketball at a gym on weekends and I agree. So right now he and she are at the gym, then they’ll be returning with their company. Of course, Joely could’ve stayed back to get things ready. I wish they’d hold off the party till early evening when it’s a bit cooler, but like I said, I think these people could take it if it were 120° out and humid. Last night when it was early evening they had their living room windows open (I’m surprised I didn’t hear anything). Yuck! I’d die with the windows open in here at 3:00 in the morning. It’d have to be really dry and no higher than about 80° degrees before I could stand to have windows open at night.

Later…

Damn! Joely either doesn’t drive or doesn’t have a car and she did stay back cuz I can see the front door open. That’s a major heat-tolerant freeloader. I’m sure she’s cleaning and airing the place out for guests. I mean, they will see the place, even though they’ll be outside 99.9% of the time.

Later…

So far, it looks like the party’s gonna be later or tomorrow. I thought they said there were chances for storms over the next few nights, though. Well, I’ll feel a lot better as long as it stays quiet, and even more so if he gets off and shows me it will be a consistent thing. I hope we can do it more than once a week, though, whenever the hell things slow down. Once a week isn’t enough for me and for a couple trying to make a kid, we should do it more often still. We’re not like teenagers or assholes who get pregnant in one pop.

Later…

I figured Tom would be late. He said he’d call if he were gonna be much later than 4:00.

I hope we have time for sex tomorrow! I can’t picture this guy getting off tonight, but hopefully it’ll still be fun enough and that we can play cards and go swimming.

We need the money, yes, but I hope Evelyn doesn’t need Tom fixing stuff that often. One of the problems with a smart husband is that everyone needs him to do or fix something and he’s too nice to say no. Well, hopefully we can soon just take care of ourselves and not other people’s this and other people’s that.

Later…

Well, it’s going on 5:00, and still no Tom. Whether we need the money or not, I’m really sick of 99% of the time being about what we can do for other people. Why does everyone have to dump their problems on Tom? We have our own dreams, goals, and things to do.

He called a couple of times to test her phone. Oh, please don’t tell me she’s got phone problems, too! Call the phone company, Evelyn. That’s what they’re there for.

Well, I doubt he’ll be in before 7:00 or 8:00, so I’d better go entertain myself doing something.

FRIDAY, JULY 12, 1996 How does Tom do that? I mean, how does he know certain stuff? Is he psychic now? He said it’s just his opinion, but it seems more like a gut feeling. Like a vibe. He said that even though he came in me when I was mid-cycle, I’m not pregnant, but that I will be in September or October. OK, since he’s proven himself not to be a liar after all, if he says September or October, then September or October it is.

However, I guess Robin has a different story to tell. Robin came to me last night and said that just cuz Tom has his opinion doesn’t mean it’s right, but that things will still work out and that I don’t need to pray to God for a child, cuz it’s a done deal, anywhere from right now, till I think she said September.

Robin made a comment that I’d be gaining weight soon enough. After I relayed what Tom said, they told me that everyone had a right to their opinion, but to just wait and see who's wrong and who’s right. Guess that’s all I can do anyway, but right now, as far as I’m concerned, the pessimist in me just can’t see it. Not now, not later, not ever. However, Tom does seem to be 100% confident and sure about his opinion and he sure did prove me wrong about my belief that he’d never cum, so we’ll see.

Later…

Typical Andy! If there’s one thing about him that hasn’t changed over the years, it’s his pushiness. He’s such an opposite-doer. I let him know on his machine yesterday that till Tom’s dad’s gone, he’ll be sleeping on the couch for the most part by the phone in case ma calls. So I asked him to please not call unless it’s very important. What does he do? Goes and calls here and wakes Tom up just to let me know Gloria was on TV. Tom said it was no problem and not to worry, but I do worry. Cuz first of all, Tom needs all the sleep he can get whether or not God’s preparing him for something. And second of all, that was very rude and inconsiderate of Andy. So, I left Andy a message and went over once again, what the definition of important was and told him that if I was up at night, I’d call him.

Later…

I just talked to Minnie, who has been trying to get a hold of me. She moved to Greenfield and is keeping this second kid of hers, who she says she got from a rape, cuz it’s a girl.

Well, because Tom’s cumming now and due to the fact that there’s a chance of us having a kid, regardless of if it’s slim, I’m not as pissed at God. I still kind of am, though, as Minnie’s too young, not ready and I don’t think she deserves it like we do or has paid her dues for it or has wanted it for as long as we have. Too many people get things they either don’t want or don’t care about handed to them on a silver platter, while those who want what they’re getting have to wait years or they never get it.

I wonder what makes Tom so sure I’m not pregnant now. I asked him about it, but he said he couldn’t explain it. Maybe it just takes time for the body parts to learn what to do after so long. Maybe it’ll just take the egg and sperm time to get the message and get the hang of how to make a baby.

Later…

Andy just left a message saying he was sorry he woke Tom up. He said he had forgotten all about it until he called and felt bad about it.

OK. No prob.

Later…

I had an hour’s conversation with Andy. We just bullshitted about odds and ends till he had to get ready for work.

THURSDAY, JULY 11, 1996 Tom and I had a pleasant morning. He went down on me and I did him by hand. He didn’t get off, though, cuz he was pressed for time and very tired. He’s been staying up late by the phone in case Ma calls. He says at least he’ll be built up and ready for the weekend. I hope this weekend will be as wonderful as last and that he doesn’t slip back into his old ways.

Tom was giving classic examples of how people just can’t deal with things that are different and how so many people think they’re better than others. I can kind of relate to the feelings of being superior, though. I wouldn’t say so to others or treat them differently, but I feel superior to most people. I hate society and I just think people, in general, are just too fucked up or too stupid.

Mary has a touch of Tammy in her. Tammy’s always felt superior to me cuz she’s older with 3 kids, etc. Well, according to Tom, Mary’s been treating Dad like a 2-year-old and like she’s so much more responsible and smarter than her brothers (though she is, excluding Tom), and David does nothing but bitch about all the stress he’s under. And I guess Ray’s stupid and Steven doesn’t get it.

Tom said, “Different people deal with things in their own way, but it’s amazing how people want to run scared when something or someone’s different or unusual.”

Oh, I know all about that. That’s why I never had very many friends and so many problems with people. I’m not perfect, either, and this may sound stuck-up and selfish, but the general population just isn’t good enough for me, so I guess we’re even.

I thought I heard those kids out back two yards down. In this fucking heat? Shit! They are gonna practically live out there from September to May if they can be out there in July.

Yes, the heat returned a few days ago, but it’s still a bit humid. It’s perked me back up, though, as the rain had made me energyless. It usually does.

I realize something else about something Gloria and I have in common. True love. If there’s anything I’d change, I’d have Tom be my first and only love, too, and I’d have been here, been ready for him, and been with him as soon as I was legal age.

I cleaned the house yesterday which Tom noticed. I had to really talk myself into getting started, but once I did get started, I was off on a roll. I cleaned the bathroom and the kitchen. I dusted and vacuumed the whole house, then mopped the kitchen floor.

I forgot to mention that I called information to see if there was a Fran P listed within the Springfield area. Not cuz I’d ever want to talk to him again, but cuz I wanted to see if my vibes have been right all along as to why he hasn’t called in so long. Sure enough, there was no Fran P listed, so he’s either dead, in jail, in the funny farm, or without a phone. There’s still also a good chance he lost our number and can’t remember my married name, thank God, otherwise he’d be trying to call here and there from other people’s phones, no doubt, no matter where he was. I’m pretty sure that’s it, cuz Andy’s friend Donna’s grandmother still gets yearly calls in Springfield.

Later…

Got a message on AOL from Tammy, who I also spoke to. She and her family are driving to Florida (they can’t afford to fly) on the 17th, then they’ll return a week later. They’re gonna stay with a friend of Bill’s for a night or two in Orlando, then at Mom and Dad’s for a couple of nights.

I told Tammy I got a faint flicker of a feeling that someone may break into her house while she’s gone, but I hope I’m wrong.

Tom still hasn’t mentioned the secret and now I wonder if he has it in mind to get me pregnant, then say that was the secret. Meaning, maybe he’ll come out and tell me yes, he planned everything this way. I don’t know, though, it really does seem like he just needed an unusually extra-long time to develop with me sexually. I just hope 3 of my worst fears don’t come true. 1. That he returns to not cumming. 2. That I can’t get pregnant. 3. That I do get pregnant but lose it.

Later…

I sang and watched some TV, but now I think I’ll go play computer games and maybe do some drawing.

Later…

So much for trying to eat hotdogs outside without getting hounded by all those birds.

It’s so cool how things have changed for the better for us, besides his cumming. At first I felt like we weren’t physical enough, we didn’t have sex enough and he didn’t cum. Now he cums and we have sex more often and are more physical with each other even when we’re not having sex. I love it this way. Of course, I never thought I’d ever say that or feel that way, too.

I’m a person who loves to analyze things and play detective, so that’s what I’m gonna do now. When I think back to yesterday, I find it pretty weird that the mailman would deliver next door’s phone bill, then return 10 minutes later with our mail. See, I think this is an intentional game he’s playing. I haven’t seen any of the mail carriers around here in ages, but shortly after I got here, and for quite a while after, there was a regular mailman. He liked me. I mean, I could tell he was attracted to me, even though he never said one word about it or anything else other than “Hello” and “How are you?” Maybe he’s been misdelivering the mail with the hopes that I’ll go out and talk to him about it face-to-face. And that way, he’d get to see me again.

I hope to hell Wendy doesn’t call like hell this weekend, cuz we probably won’t be able to ignore the phone in case his mom calls. She’s called 100 times in the last few weeks and it really pisses me off how I’m trying to have a conversation with my husband who I don’t get to see that much due to all this stuff with his dad, then she calls. I wanted to say something like, “Look. The man’s super busy. His dad’s dying. I don’t get to see him that much, so back off, OK?”

But Tom assured me that if he felt bugged by her he’d let her know. I hope so, cuz most of the time he’s just too damn nice and he’s got too much patience and tolerance. These are great qualities to have but within reason. And so what if she doesn’t bug him yet? She bugs me!

Later…

I just got an idea. Well, I’m taking my time writing up Andy’s journal little by little, since I want to stretch it right to before his birthday which is February 15th. As I write little chunks of it, I’ll copy it into my journals so that I have it written, as well as on the computer. I’ll start with what I’ve got so far. Whenever I’m copying stuff from Andy’s journal, I’ll put an AJ at the start and end of each chunk I copy. I’ll omit all the AJs from my typed version of these journals, cuz it has its own file.

Looks like little Miss Joely next door has no car. That old guy drops her off.

Well, well. No wonder I haven’t heard them. Perhaps they’ve decided to grant my request? Mike just came in with the music so low, I could barely hear it. Let’s hope it stays that way and for no longer than 20 seconds.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 10, 1996 I was watching a case of 2 babies switched at birth on Court TV. One died at age 9 and the other, now 14, went to court to cut off her biological parents cuz she wanted to remain with her family that she’s always known. A psychologist testified it’d be detrimental to her well-being and state of mind, so the judge let her stay where she was. It’s about time judges paid more attention to psychology and not biology. If I could have, I’d certainly have stayed with Anna and Harry. Not gone home, to other foster homes, hospitals, or schools.

Things have been too good to be true. First, I desperately wanted to be a singer, then I desperately wanted to be with a woman, then I wanted him to cum and for us to have a kid. Well, we have no kid yet, but it sure feels great not having some long-term overwhelming issue to deal with, unless it turns out something’s wrong with me. I hope not! This wonderful time and feeling have a scary side too, for I always wonder if there is a catch. Is something bad gonna happen now, like my inability to conceive? Or something else? Will something else go terribly wrong and stay that way indefinitely? Am I foolish to hope for a child? Love, a child and being a singer are probably the things I’ve wanted or want the most in life. I got the love, but will we be so blessed as to receive the gift of a child? Oh, I just hope this isn’t a case of enjoy-the-happy-moment-while-it-lasts, cuz the shit shall once again hit the fan, that is, of course, excluding the things we expect, like with Tom’s dad. He’s really near the end and now he’s seeing things. The cat they don’t have came running into his room and he goes out to the living room, looks at his empty chair and says, “How ya doin’?”

The birds and I have a new game. Ring around the pool. Yup, they like to follow me around the pool. So Piggy and I have our games and so do the birds and I.

Later…

Now I know the woman’s full name next door. Her phone bill was delivered here. I figured it was only a matter of time before the mailman delivered a piece of their mail here and I’d learn their full name. I guess the house is pretty much in her name. I brought the bill over there and threw it on the porch with a note saying that the mailman frequently misdelivers mail and to please toss any of ours they get into our mail slot. I know they won’t, though. Anyone who has a problem with the simple request of turning down their music on their way in and out isn’t gonna return someone else’s mail.

At least they have been quiet since it’s been really hot and I haven’t heard any music. They’re out a lot. Once the weather cools down, then I’m sure that’ll be a different story, but I’ll deal with it then.

I said I wouldn’t worry till New Year’s came and I wasn’t pregnant by then, but actually, I’ll really wonder if I get my period on the 20th, since we did it on a day where a woman has an excellent chance of conceiving. I would think that if a woman gets sprayed in 14 days after her period, she not only could be pregnant, but she should be pregnant. That is totally prime time for that.

I wonder if the inflamed cervix they say I always seem to have can cause problems. I guess not, though, cuz I’d assume that if that were possible, that Dr. Rugg I saw would’ve brought it up.

I didn’t try to see through the envelope for next door’s number, cuz I can’t imagine ever really having anything of importance to say to them. Besides, if I really had something to say, I’d go over there and say it in person.

I imagine these journals will go slower now that I don’t have so much shit to bitch about and discuss all my fears, doubts and suspicions about Tom since that’s gone.

God, please let this peace and happiness continue! Please don’t let some hefty compensation hit me! Please let us have a child!

I designed 4 journal covers. I did roses, other flowers, cactuses and a Yucca plant. There are 3 more covers that I’ll be doing.

Later…

Tomorrow my parents should get my brief, but blunt letter telling them I can’t deal with rude and selfish people. I wonder if my dad will write me a letter like the one he wrote to me when I was on Bell Rd. The one saying how upset he was that I’d talk to his wife that way, no one’s perfect, etc. Hey, I got a right to speak my mind so they can cry over it all they want. The question is, do I really give a shit anymore if he does? The more years that go by that they don’t seem to care about treating me the way they should treat me or anyone else for that matter, the less I care about them and their feelings.

Tom probably won’t be home for a few hours yet. He’s picking up groceries, as well as getting a new knob for the door of his parent’s microwave.

We’ve had very little time for sex, but hopefully this weekend will be as wonderful as last weekend was.

Linda will be 49 on the 15th of this month. She’s really getting up there. Gloria will be 37 or 38 this September 1st, then on September 2nd is hers and Emilio’s anniversary. I guess they’ll be married for about 18 years.

TUESDAY, JULY 9, 1996 The night before last I saw an interview with Gloria and I really realized, Linda inspired me vocally and Gloria inspired me personally. She’s such a great person who’s so very blessed. She’s got the world in her hands. There’s nothing more she needs or wants and if there is, no problem, she can get it. I should envy her with her family, a career she loves, money and she’s so close to her family. From what I hear, her parents (even though her father’s dead), her grandmother, and her sister are great people. I saw her sister Becky for the first time and yuck! Big fat ugly mama and she doesn’t really look too much like Gloria, any more than Gloria’s mother does.

I heard a tape of Gloria singing when she was around 10 and I was shocked to hear how much she sounded like I did when I was 10. Amazing how two voices can sound the same at one age, then develop into two totally different-sounding voices.

Yesterday Tom and I opened the two eggs that were in the nest since Mama Bird abandoned it a few weeks ago. One had just clear liquid in it and the other had a bird that had just begun developing. It may have been too hot in that particular area. I wonder if they’ll next there again next year.

Yesterday Robin said she won’t tell me yes, something hooked last Saturday, or no, it didn’t hook, but she did say something about there being a good chance. I’ve been feeling wonderful emotionally and that’s very important to me and I really appreciate it and thank God for it.

Robin says she won’t be around as much cuz I don’t need her like her sister back east needs her, but she’ll still look out for me.

Later…

Since 2 AM it’s been raining. In the middle of the night, it rained like hell and there was massive thunder and lightning. It’s a wonder we never lost the power. I’ve barely been up for 9 hours, yet I feel tired. I’m sure it’s the weather. It’s no bright, sunny scorcher out. They say it’ll only hit 100º today which is quite a drop from the 112º it was.

I hope they don’t party this weekend. They’ve been so peacefully quiet, but it’s probably only due to the weather. I took advantage of the weather and deep-fried chicken wings and French fries earlier which gives off heat. Now I’m making spag, so I’m sitting out in the kitchen as I write.

Andy called yesterday to tell me he made it for the 8th time with Quinn. Well good for him, but I wish Quinn would stop stringing Andy along so much.

MONDAY, JULY 8, 1996 I’ve completely dumped my parents and I mean it. This is it. But like I’ve always said, life’s about getting and giving stuff up and being compensated. This is my compensation for our sex lives being fully developed, but believe me, I have no regrets. I did the right thing. I’m tired of not being able to be me and not being able to talk about what I want and my life and what’s going on with me. I have too much self-respect for myself to deal with such a rude selfish person like my mom. Whether a person’s a relative or not, I can’t associate with those who want me to be like them and who only want me to say what they want to hear. I have never stopped my parents from talking about whatever they want, be it stuff I like or stuff I don’t like or care about. A part of me wants to just dump the whole family and be rid of them all and never ever go back to New England. I don’t care about Florida and I hate New England, so why should I go visit or associate with people I may love, but with people who, for the most part, I don’t like?

SUNDAY, JULY 7, 1996 I haven't felt so good in so long. So relaxed, so carefree, and definitely more hopeful. I don’t know what I feel the most: shock, happiness, or guilt. I really, really thought he was playing with me all this time. I had no idea that some people just needed time to develop sexually. I always thought that if a guy didn’t cum, it was due to a physical problem, them not being attracted to the one they were with, or fear of a kid. I also had no idea that a sexual problem could instantly be fixed (unless this is a once-in-a-lifetime thing).

It’s amazing too, that this all happened when I was mid-cycle, but I’m not gonna get my hopes up too high. I’m not completely negative about it, anymore, either. Now it’s all in God’s hands to decide whether to give us a child or not. Yes, I do fear compensation and that God may replace this issue with something new, but I hope not. If he does, though, it’ll hopefully be a joke and not last for 2½ years.

I feel so much more normal now and now I can just concentrate on having fun, rather than that and trying to measure up and be good enough as well.

From what Robin says, I’ll be pregnant soon, but like I said, I don’t want to get my hopes up too high, even though I now believe I have a chance.

This has really boosted my love for Tom, even though sex is just a part of a relationship. I am so blessed and so lucky to have a guy like him and I fully trust him. This means so much to me that he could tell me every day for 20 years that he was gonna do the cigarette machine and not do it, cuz I fully know now, that if it’s something I need that really matters, he’ll be there. Even though anything’s possible, how lucky I am to know that the chances are pretty much 0 that he’d leave me with or without a kid or cheat on me.

This wonderful feeling I have now totally overrides all that depression, anger, and frustration I went through. It feels so good to feel the way I do now. I feel like I haven’t felt this way for about two years. If it turns out I’m sterile, yes, there’d be some sadness and anger, but nothing compared to if I never got the chance to try if Tom had never cum.

According to Tom, Minnie called when I was asleep. Just when I think she dropped off the face of the earth, she calls. She had no important message for me. She just wanted to say hi and see how my ear was.

Tom went over to his parents' place today and they have some kid’s TV dinners and there were some Western-style stencils in one of them and he asked Ma if I could have it cuz there was a cactus. There’s a cactus, a hat, a boot, a horse, a snake, and a horseshoe and I decorated Larry’s next envelope with them.

SATURDAY, JULY 6, 1996 I was waiting for KHITS to play a song I requested, but as usual, they didn’t. They said they had the song, but it’s always, “I’ll try to get that on for you.” Never, “we will” or “we won’t” get that on for you.

Got a letter from Kim with a boring Bob letter she enclosed which she added some lines and words to. She used another one of those cat cards she has and I’m gonna take a shot at drawing it later.

I drew in my sketchbook, some of the flowers, birds, and cactuses I had drawn on sheets of paper that I’d stuck in plastic protector folders and put in my photo album. This way I can have some of my favorite ones in my sketchbook. I also did an elephant and maybe I’ll draw in more copies of my photo album drawings. Except for the people ones. I still haven’t done any journal covers yet.

Yesterday Tom said we’d definitely spend time together and that he’d adapt his schedule to mine (since he’s the only one here who can do that). I don’t know how serious he is, though. I don’t know if this is a tease or what he really has in mind, but he won’t be able to blame my behavior, cuz I’m not gonna say anything. I want to see what he does on his own or what God may do. I want to see what positions Tom will do and for how long till something hurts or he gets tired or sick.

I’m 14 days after my last period began. There’s got to be some catch waiting for me. If we screw, if he doesn’t say anything about cumming, I’m gonna say something like, “I could tell you had at least a mini orgasm.” I want to see if he goes along with it as a tease or uses bogus mini orgasms as a way off the hook and a way to make me believe the only reasons I never got pregnant were due to the DES and God. If he says he didn’t really cum, then maybe he’d have a couple of reasons for that. One might be that he’d look forward to and expect to see a look of such disappointment on my face and he’d be thinking to himself, “Ha, ha! You’re still not getting pregnant, but for a minute you thought you just might, you sucker!” The other reason might be so as to stop me from getting my hopes up for nothing. We’ll just have to wait and see.

Gloria’s fan club is worse than Tom. A couple of weeks ago they sent a letter promising me stuff they never sent. They promised to send stuff in May, then June and now it’s July.

Later…

I did the cat picture on Kim’s card. It’s got lots of detail to it. The cat’s hanging over a fancy box and then there’s a hat and there’re fancy baseboards and wallpaper. I altered my colors a bit for originality. I’m happy with how it came out and I think Tom will like it.

Now I’m gonna go check out a movie that’s coming on soon.

Later…

Tom got up about an hour ago, drank a shake, then went swimming with me. It was funny, cuz after he got out of the water, he was like, where’s my nose? You know, the thing that pinches your nose shut so you don’t get water up it? Even I was air-headed for a moment there, cuz I didn’t notice he was wearing it around his head like a bandanna till we came in the house.

One of the birds charged and ran towards him as he got out of the pool. He must’ve thought Tom had some seeds. This one chases me too, and walks anxiously in front of me like a cat or a dog would that’s waiting to be fed.

I had a dream about Nervous last night. Nervous hates hot climates, so I thought it was really weird that I’d run into him in a shopping plaza here in Phoenix. Especially when he’s supposed to be dead. So I called out, “Nervous!”

But he just looked at me as if he didn’t know me. I said, “Nervous” again, but he still looked confused. Then I said, “Kevin T?”

He shook his head, saying that wasn’t him. Then he said that Kevin T was his name and that he didn’t know me. Then I woke up.

As expected, Tom shows no desire for sex and doesn’t seem horny at all, but we’ll see. If he initiates sex, it probably won’t be till toward the end of my day. I’m sure he’s gonna want to wait till the last minute, right as I’m getting really tired, so as to get as far as he can into his day, so he’s more tired and less apt to be able to screw longer, if at all.

Later…

Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Tom came like hell! Yes, he really did! I just don’t believe it, but I do! It was as obvious as this black print. I am so shocked and happy, yet you can bet your ass I feel so guilty! And all this time I called him a liar. Never will there ever be any room in my mind to doubt Tom about sex and a kid (unless God still forbids me to conceive). Nor do I have any room left in my mind to doubt Robin. She’s been absolutely right so far.

FRIDAY, JULY 5, 1996 I didn’t hear very many fireworks at all last night.

They just came home next door quietly. They seem to be leaving earlier and returning later which is perfectly OK with me.

Robin came to talk to me yesterday in the wee hours of the morning. She’s still saying the same things - Tom’s not lying, I’ll be pregnant soon, and don’t worry about my schedule or handling things.

Tom says no, not all women feel it when a guy cums in her. Kim said that too, but is this really true, or is he saying it so he can lie about cumming? Why do I feel he’d rather find a way for me to believe the DES sterilized me, rather than it be his fault for really not cumming?

Anyway, I told him I was gonna try real hard to take him for face value and that I was gonna fully put my trust into his hands and he can either prove himself honest or really break my heart and play with my head.

He says that the only reason he’s seemed emotionless and unsurprised over this cumming is cuz he knew he would eventually do so. He also says the reason why he hasn’t felt sad or angry over not having a kid is cuz he doesn’t believe we can’t have one.

I wonder, though, why didn’t he tell me when we first met that there have been some women he’s never cum with if that were the case?

Later…

I just worked out, which I still am doing nearly every day. I see a difference in my gut and inner thighs, but I still have an awful lot of craters in the backs of my thighs.

I did some reading and finished up my floral frames in my sketchbook. Maybe later I’ll start working on journal covers. The plain white ones.

When I told Tom how I believe we’ll be hit with one thing after another after his dad goes, he said almost anything else that could happen would be nothing compared to losing his father. According to Tom, his dad’s the greatest person he’s ever known. I think the only things worse than his dad dying, in his opinion, would probably be if the house burned down, if his computer stuff all disappeared, if I died or left, and if I got pregnant. After all, I don’t have to try taking him for face value in my journals.

I had some funny dreams last night. Tom and I lived in some other house that sort of had split levels, was a little bigger, and had two stories. It had a weird design, but as an artist, I like that sort of thing. I only remember a couple of quick scenes. There was a room that was sort of like a good-sized pantry with big, long, fat, unfinished wooden shelves. I told Tom I picked an area on the shelves for all his magazines. Tom said, “Oh, no. My magazines won’t touch unfinished wood. I won’t have that.” So we agreed to get paint for the shelves. Later, though, after I saw he never got the paint, I questioned him about it and he said, “Why do you always take me so seriously? Don’t you know some people just like to make small talk? I was never really gonna get paint.” So I told him I was gonna use the shelves for myself. As I was in the process of putting stuff on them, my first cousins Lori and Lisa G showed up to give me old clothes of theirs. They didn’t look like Lori and Lisa really do, though, cuz both their figures were just right. In reality, Lori’s bone-thin and Lisa’s huge. Of course, they were geeky clothes from the 70s and all I like from the 70s is its music.

Then, Tom was coming up the stairs with some girl in her early 20s and they didn’t know I was just waking up and coming out of my room when I heard Tom say, “We have to be quiet, cuz if we wake my wife up, we’ll get bitched out.” Then they giggled.

As I was walking to a little store, in the dream, one of my birds jumped on my shoulder. When I entered the store, a guy behind the counter said, “Oh, no. You’re not coming in here with that.” So I explained to him how I just needed a few things, I’d be real quick, and trying to get the bird off my shoulder and to stay home did me no good. I also told him that if the bird crapped, it wouldn’t crap on the floor, cuz it’d hit my back first. Then I began walking home and ran into a couple of people I knew. As we began chatting all my birds came and flew in all around us. I reassured the people not to panic or worry, they were just my birds and my flock always followed me. Then I was on my way to bed again. The birds were in the house, so I ran real fast into my room and slammed the door so they couldn’t follow me in there. They tried to fly in with me. Then I scanned the room to make sure there were no birds in there so I could go to bed.

Weird dreams, huh? I told Tom, who got a kick out of it.

Now I’m gonna go write a little in Andy’s journal, before decorating a journal cover.

Later…

Tom’s up now. He told me to wake him up at 5:00, but the other day he told me he liked the idea of getting up at 4:30. I guess it’s to leave us no time for sex. He takes a half-hour to get ready, almost a half-hour to eat, then he needs time to digest.

I really feel that the reason why he hasn’t touched me goes beyond the stress he’s been having. He himself said his dad’s situation didn’t stop him from cumming and that cumming or not cumming has lots of factors involved. I think part of it is his patience pushing game, to make me wait to see what he does next time. Meaning that he probably knows I’m anxious to have sex again to see what happens, so he’s keeping me in suspense.

If he really did cum, he’s still acting very scared and nervous about us screwing. Especially at this time of the month. Tomorrow I’m mid-cycle and watch - without my saying a word about it, he won’t touch me tomorrow, so it isn’t a matter of my behavior. It’s both him and God I’m sure. Tom believes, though, that there are 10 days a month a woman’s fertile. Not 1-3. Well, I’ve always heard and read it’s 14 days after your period that you’re most likely to conceive and I think he knows this, too. The two times he claimed to cum were both times when it was virtually impossible to get pregnant. If he touches me tomorrow, I wouldn’t be surprised if he only wanted to go down on me or screw sideways.

THURSDAY, JULY 4, 1996 I don’t want to see any of the Little House stuff live. I’ll watch it when it’s over in a couple of hours so I can zip through the commercials. I’m sure I’ve already seen all these shows and movies anyway.

I’m gonna go now and color in my floral outline. First, though, if he really came the last time we screwed, then it’s scared him to death, cuz he hasn’t touched me since. He went down on me earlier, but that was only cuz I asked him to.

What is it with these people? Tom and his mother say they notice I’m not hearing as well and Andy said I was being like a one-eared person again, but I haven’t noticed it. I don’t think I’ve noticed any problems, anyway. My good ear was itching, though, so I dewaxed it.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 3, 1996 Yesterday morning I left Tom a message saying I was sorry for bringing up my problems when he’s got enough of his own. I told him that the only thing that didn’t go over well with me was when he said he wouldn’t associate with me if I danced. He later clarified me on that, though. He said it wasn’t that he’d not associate with me ever, but that he wouldn’t want to associate with me if I felt my boredom and my need to work right this minute were more important than his dad. I don’t think my boredom or need to have more responsibility and my desire to fulfill my dreams is ever more important than anything in his eyes. He said, though, that other than this stuff with his dad, if his arm fell off, my worries and dreams would be more important.

Yeah, right! I still don’t know if I can believe he really came. But only he can know what his body really felt. This is just like that other time 2.5 years ago. Will another 2.5 years go by before he claims to have another orgasm?

I was at Andy’s earlier and he still says what I always thought - that a woman should feel a guy cum in her. But Kim says guys have cum in her for sure, but she couldn’t feel it. I just don’t know what to make of all this or what to believe. Andy agrees that it sounds too good to be true and that yes, he’s probably lying. Why would he bother to lie, I asked? Andy’s answer was, cuz Tom’s an American and we’re all uptight about sex and that some people don’t like sex. Well, he sure likes hard-ons more often these days.

Shortly after he came home, he said he needed to talk and I told him, “You said you were sick of me. And I needed to talk to you yesterday and got nowhere, so why should I listen to you?”

He said that was fair, then, “I take that back. This is not fair. Every other time I’ve listened to you and I shouldn’t be punished for not hearing you out last night or being able to deal with it cuz I had a problem and my state of mind wasn’t great.”

Yeah, he had a point, but it wasn’t every other time that he’s listened to me and dealt with me. Every few times, or so, he just can’t tolerate what I have to say and he’d rather not hear it. I’m sorry I burdened him, though, with stuff he and anyone else could never fix or help. I’m sorry I brought up shit he doesn’t want to hear, can’t deal with, can’t understand and that turns him off. I shouldn’t bring it up ever, but especially not while his father’s dying.

Time will tell if he’s lying about phase 2. Right now, though, it just seems like pure bullshit that’s too good to be true.

I wasn’t at Andy’s long. Due to it being so hot and kind of humid, it was too hot in his place with the EC and his AC was broken and useless.

I surprisingly got more done on the cat than expected and next time I’ll finish it for sure.

I never met Laura cuz she was asleep. That “art thing” she had for me was just tracing paper. I told Andy to thank her anyway, but I didn’t want it. I already have some that I never use.

He gave me a black and white picture of Gloria that’s about 18” tall and 5” wide. It’s OK. It’s just there, but not bad. I put it in the kitchen.

The shower curtain he gave us is gorgeous. It’s totally me with soft splashes of pastel colors in a faint flower design. It just brought our tiny bathroom to life. The other one was too dark and kind of ugly, but this one’s bright and cheerful.

I showed Andy the journals he’s never seen and my latest artwork. He was quite impressed. He loved this journal and the floral design with all kinds of plants, flowers, colors and detail.

Tammy should get her floral envelope today, if not yesterday and I’m mailing some out today to my parents, Larry and Anna and Harry.

Later…

Got another plate in the mail I didn't pay for. It’s of a little girl playing with a bunny. So now I have 6 plates and I would’ve had 7 if I didn’t accidentally smash one a few years ago.

Remember the message I left on AOL to find Robin? Well, here are the two different replies I got from them. Parts of them anyway. It said:

Your announcement in “Missing but not Forgotten” section will probably be read by someone who can help you. When you submit your announcement, you grant GL staff and its affiliates the privilege of reproducing and distributing it unaltered, in any digital form, and indefinitely. This means you give us the “privilege” or permission to print your unaltered announcement in GL newsletter or Webzine for as long as possible. Announcements in this free section will be published for about 2-3 months. If the missing persons are still not located after that time period, the announcements will be posted in GL 96 Webzine for about 1 year.

After I replied to this and asked how to post my name and other stuff, I got a second reply saying:

Jodi,

I’ve condensed your announcement to 3 lines:

Pls help me find a former counselor, Robin R., at Camp Naomi (now Camp Nashobe North) in Raymond, ME. 20 years ago was 5’ 5” (160 cm), slim, brown hair & eyes, with small, furry mutt. Pls write Jodi O. (email addy) w/ any info.

Then they asked me to verify its accuracy and I told them to go ahead and post it. This is hardly enough info, but all the info in the world will do me no good. I just had to do this for the hell of it, though. How do they know if someone’s located a person after 2-3 months in order to know whether to post it in that other area for a year?

Later…

Tom’s up now and I’ll probably be up another few hours. Don’t know what I’ll do, though. Maybe I’ll draw.

I’m watching Linda Ronstadt and Aaron Neville now, performing at the White House. I was hoping she’d do that Dreams to Dream song, but so far, she hasn’t.

She looks terrible. No wonder she always wears black. She’s so fat and has such a fat neck, face, and double chin.

I got a nice Little House treat. They’re doing a tribute to Michael Landon, so I’m taping 9 hours’ worth of movies they’re running now.

I don’t believe Linda’s singing You’re No Good. I haven’t heard her do her older stuff from the 70s and 80s in ages.

I forgot to say, but my announcement about Robin won’t be posted/published till July 14th. I wonder how many people will leave me false clues and leads? Will anyone just “think” they can help me?

Linda was just saying how she and Aaron can see each and every one of the audience members and they’re not used to that. They aren’t? Haven’t they done enough daytime concerts outdoors by now?

The hit floral envelopes I’ve been doing, I’m now doing in my sketchbook. I still haven’t begun decorating journals yet. I just did a quick half-assed set of flowers in the back of this book.

TUESDAY, JULY 2, 1996 I still feel so trapped and like I’m in a rut I’ll never get out of. I don’t want to take medication to help numb my emotions cuz that costs money and side effects. I can’t do what I want to do in life, I can’t get up the nerve to settle, and I don’t want to do nothing forever.

I thoroughly regret talking to Tom about my feelings and concerns. His dad’s number one now, not me and my problems. But in talking to him, I really learned just how selfish, manipulative, and controlling he really is. He told me that I’m free to do what I want and that he’ll always love me, but he won’t want to associate with me if I dance and he won’t drive me there for an audition.

See? I always knew I had to be only what he wants me to be. I would never say that to someone I’m supposed to love. I would never not drive them to wherever they wanted to go and tell them that I wouldn’t associate with them just cuz they were doing something I didn’t agree with. He doesn’t want me to dance. He won’t allow me a child, so what does that leave me with? Just his false promises? He’s got the sperm and he’s in control of that, but I’ll bet you if I could just yank it inside me, the truth would come out and he’d tell me he wouldn’t associate with me if I got pregnant. I always have to be and do what he wants me to be and do. All my life I’ve had dreams that I couldn’t turn into reality cuz there was something or someone in my way or it was something I just couldn’t do anyway. Am I ever gonna have a dream that’s realistic that I can get into and maintain and handle without God or other people stopping me?

If he really did cum and if we really are (or were), in phase 2 like he said to me earlier, then did God influence my mood to come out and make us both worse to send him back in time sexually? If he was lying, then is that why he said he didn’t want me on birth control after agreeing with me to ditch all our plans? Did he say no to birth control figuring he’d just go back to his old ways of not cumming, if he did cum at all, or did he not cum, knows it, and said no cuz he intends to keep not cumming?

The reason why I suggested dropping all our plans, the cigarette machine, the kid and whatever else, is cuz I thought it’d be the only way to help make things better. This way I’ll only have to feel sad about never being able to have these things anyway. But I should feel less angry, cuz now there’ll be nothing for him to have promised me that he didn’t deliver on to piss me off. If he just doesn’t promise me anything, whether he meant to keep his promise or not, and whether God would allow it or not, then maybe I’ll have less reason to be angry at him. Just sad over knowing I’ll never get the things I really want.

He said he was sick of me and turned all my feelings that I had for him and life into an attack on me. I asked him if he’s sick of me, does he want me gone?

No, he said.

Well, I don’t want to be around anyone who’s sick of me, so I’ll just stay away from him as much as I can. I wish I could fight back and take and control him for a change and really show him what it’s like to be molded into something someone else wants him to be, but I just can’t do that. I can’t stoop myself that low and not feel guilty and if I’ve ever controlled him in any way, it was never intended. But how would he like it if I told him that if he went to the racetrack I wouldn’t associate with him? How would he like it if I promised him things that meant little and a lot to him and never came through with my promise? And all the while appear like I don’t understand or want to help us in any way. He never wanted to go to a doctor and he never will. He’d do anything to keep things as they are. The only changes he won’t fight are those that suit him. He’d love to have the bills paid and all kinds of computer goodies, which is fine, but he’ll do anything to keep me from getting pregnant no matter what the price is. Speaking of prices, I really firmly believe that first, he’s gonna desperately find some cover-up as to why we could never have a kid to try to use that as a legit excuse. But if that doesn’t work, he’ll say anything, unless he ever just comes out and spits out the truth.

What made him the way he is? I know no one’s perfect and I know we all have our dark sides, but how can such a great person have such a tremendously dark, dark, dark side at the same time? Why can’t he admit all his fears and all the things he doesn’t want in life? Why only some of them? Does he really get off telling me what I want to hear whether he’s telling the truth or not? When I factor in everything I’ve ever done wrong in this relationship, it doesn’t seem that the punishment of lying about a kid fits the crime. And also, if I were that bad in his eyes, then what does he want me around for? What else could’ve happened to him in his life to make him the way he is? Who else could’ve hurt him to make him this way? This control, lying and denial can’t be just because. It’s got to have stemmed from somewhere.

The fact that he agreed with me to throw away our plans tells me yet again that he’s a liar. He says he never gives up and doesn’t believe in quitting. Maybe he’s gonna use this agreement as the perfect way to get off the hook and cover for the truth, but who the fuck knows? Who the fuck knows anything for sure anymore? Half the things in this world I see or hear are total bullshit. Just an illusion. Nothing’s always as it appears to look or sound.

Sometimes I don’t know what’s worse, the lies he’s told me, or the fact that he denies lying to me. Will he ever admit he never wanted a kid? Will he ever admit that he sometimes got a kick out of not doing things he said he would or doing them much later? Instead of helping Wendy with her computer problems, he could’ve worked on the cigarette machine, but it seems he spends the bulk of his free time in front of the TV or at the computer. I know he doesn’t have a whole heck of a lot of free time, but isn’t there any way he can balance and organize his time better? Maybe that’s just something that’s easier for him to say or think about than do, just like it’s easier for me to wish I could quit smoking or cut down than do so.

I asked Tammy if she felt it was possible for him to have a missed orgasm. At first she wasn’t sure, then she said she guessed so. I don’t know what to believe, but I still feel that as sad and as hard as it is, I must forget about all my dreams as much as I can and keep my mouth shut. All the talk and wishing in the world won’t bring my dreams to reality anyway. That’s why they call them “dreams,” cuz a dream is just that - a dream.

Yesterday Tom peeked into the nest out back while Mama Bird was gone. There were two eggs in there, but who knows if they’re fertile?

MONDAY, JULY 1, 1996 A few days ago, in my email, there was a message about two new free areas and one of the highlights was ‘Lost, but not Forgotten’. So I checked it out and there were a couple of ads from people looking for other people. I replied to this thing and let them know I was looking for someone too. Then they replied to my message saying something about how I wanted my name published and then they mentioned shortening my ad. So, I asked them to be more specific as to what they mean by how I want my name published. Do they want my screen name or my maiden and married name, which may be helpful? Do they want me to rewrite my ad? Do they want me to give additional information? We’ll see what they say, and I also left a message for Tom to give me his feedback and or advice. They said something about it being posted for 3 months in one place, then if that doesn’t help me, they’ll post it elsewhere for a year.

Is this a coincidence? I just begged God and Robin to please help me get her real name. I guess the curiosity has rekindled itself, but I can’t say I’m as curious as I was last year when this all began. I can bet all these journals, though, that I’ll never find out a damn thing about her. Robin was right about this weekend. Not a sound other than a few 10-second music sessions as they were coming in. It was tolerable, though, and wouldn’t wake me up or shake the house down.

I just don’t know about all this other stuff, though. It just seems too unreal. To think that Tom will be getting off regularly after all this time is almost as far-fetched of an idea as is the idea of me getting pregnant. I told him earlier that if he had a mini orgasm, it should be a regular thing from now on and that it’s hard to believe we’re in phase 2 now, which is waiting to see if the DES got me as I fear it has (besides God). We agreed to give it a few months, though, and I told him that if I weren’t pregnant by New Year’s, then it’s over. At least I can feel better about knowing I can’t have a kid cuz God and the DES said so and not him.

What if he’s lying, though? What if he never came at all and never will, but will still insist that he did be it slightly or immensely? Is he now thinking, “Great. She believes I’m cumming when I’m really not and this is my ticket to getting off the hook. Now she can blame just God and the DES and not me.” He was acting kind of weird too. He had a look about him as if to suggest he was saying to me in his head, “You’re dreaming. I haven’t cum and I won’t cum.” He also seemed to possess a look of guilt. That time I went off on him with how he comes through on his word to others, but not me, was the first time he seemed guilty and like he realized what this has done to me, so maybe that’s why he hasn’t touched me all weekend. Maybe he’s just now really starting to feel guilty about lying before and about lying now, if this is truly the case. He says I didn’t do anything to turn him off and that he’s just been tired. He also seemed emotionless and not at all surprised about cumming. I’d think that if I truly couldn’t cum, but then did, I’d be elated. Especially if I wanted to enjoy how great it feels and especially if I wanted a kid.

I asked him if this were his secret. He hesitated a moment, then said no.

He said I seemed absent-minded yesterday and like something was bothering me, but nope. Nothing’s bothering me other than the usual bullshit. I just hope he’s telling the truth and that I just didn’t set myself up to fall into a trap. Has my willingness to take him and Robin for face value gotten him off the hook if he really is lying? Is this gonna cause him to swear he’s been cumming and therefore tell me I have no right to be angry at him and that we need not see a doctor? Did I just let him off the hook and provide him with the perfect cover-up for the truth if he’s still lying?

I asked him if it was cuz his missed orgasm scared him or worried him or made him feel overwhelmed in any way and he said no. I asked him if he’s ever had a missed orgasm before in his life and he said he’s had a wide variety of orgasms. Then why did he say, “I think I know what you mean about a missed orgasm,” the last time we screwed as if it was his first one?

I told Tom that if I was absent-minded today, it was probably mainly due to the heat and shock. I told him it hasn’t hit me yet that we’re in phase 2 and that he came and will do so regularly, so it should seem. I guess it’s like when a loved one of yours dies. It doesn’t always hit you right away. It takes time to sink in. After 2.5 years, it all just seems so incredible and so hard to believe. It’s like - this is it? All our sexual problems are solved? Now all we have to do is wait and see if I conceive? I asked him if I’d feel his cum in me here and there and he said yes. If he said he doubted it or if I don’t ever feel it, then I’ll go back to feeling like I’ve always felt about him and his true intentions, not that they’ve exactly changed yet. It’s too soon. Too soon to believe. It all sounds too good to be true and I still have to see more evidence of change, so to speak. I need something more tangible to prove that he’s not putting me on. I need to see or feel his cum. I guess only time will tell if Tom and Robin are full of it or not and if God will allow us a child. I just don’t see it, though.

Later…

I am in such a foul mood right now. Sometimes I really want to go outside and hang myself from one of the hooks on the patio. It’d do everyone a favor, including myself whose life is really over.

I should’ve known better than to talk to Tom. Why can’t I be one of those who never talks? I’ve always wished I were that way. I wish I were like Brenda was. The last few times I talked to Tom, he made me feel better, but not tonight. We both only ended up feeling worse.

It started when he told me that his dad can no longer control his number 2s. I felt so bad for him and Ma and then this also scared the shit out of me. Growing old seems more depressing and scary all the time. They’ve got kids to take care of them, but who will take care of us when we’re old? Since we’ll never have a kid, who will take care of us?

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dilf-whore · 2 years

Text

the other woman

pairing: robin buckley x f!reader

genre: angst, unrequited love

summary: making assumptions can hurt others, and yourself

A/N: sorry this is very short ndskjjhjad. let me know your thoughts tho!

requested: no

requests are OPEN

masterlist

｡･:*˚:✧｡

“She’s just so pretty and gosh, her eyes, her smile, j-just everything about her!” Robin rambles as she arranges the movies on the shelf.

She’s been talking about this girl she’s pining over for weeks. Not a day goes by without Robin talking about this mystery girl. Steve lets out a sigh, leaning on the cold counter “so who’s this girl?”. You do the same and lean on the counter beside him “yeah Robin, tell us”.

Robin places the last VHS tape on the shelf and dusts off her hands. She approaches the both of you, “relax, you guys will know very soon. I’m gonna ask her out this Friday - Valentine’s Day”. You gulp and you meet Steve’s eyes, he gives you a small nudge - making you burrow your eyebrows in annoyance.

Steve knows about your feelings for Robin, he knew it the moment he introduced her to you. The way you stuttered when you introduced yourself and the way you pull strands of hair behind your ear every time you talk to her. He always wanted to tell you to make the first move but, he didn't want to be the reason your heart gets broken if Robin doesn't reciprocate your feelings. You’re his best friend, he wants you to be happy but he also doesn't want you to be hurt - so he doesn't urge you to do it.

｡･:*˚:✧｡

You change from your uniform to something much more comfortable once you got home. You lay on your bed, eyes glued on the ceiling - your mind kept recalling what Robin said.

Was she really gonna do it?

Who could she be?

Could it be me?

Your thoughts were driving you crazy. You roll over to your phone and lay on your stomach and dial Steve’s number. After a few rings, he finally picks up the phone “Hello?”

“Steve?”

“Oh Y/N what’s up?” “About what Robin said, who do you think it is? Like, didn't she ever mention who it was?”

“No I don’t, the last time she talked about someone she liked was about Tammy Thompson which was like - ages ago” He recalls.

You groan in frustration, “I just- Do you think I should tell her? it’s probably not me but a teeny tiny part of me thinks I have a chance”

Steve goes silent for a few seconds, “The girl’s interests are similar to yours: taste in music, favorite movie genre, and other stuff”

You flop back and look at ceiling, “You know what, I’m gonna tell her how I feel - on Friday too”

｡･:*˚:✧｡

Friday arrives and you’re seated in Steve’s car. He parks his car and hands you the flowers from the back seat. You grab it and face him, “Promise to wait for me?” you ask.

“I promise”

You step out of the car and head towards the gym area. Robin had band practice and it should be their break at this hour. You walk towards the door and push it open, your eyes immediately land on Robin’s figure on the bleachers sitting beside a red headed girl, Vickie.

Nervous, you walk towards them. You look down and grasp the bouquet with both hands. You glance back up and as you were about to call for Robin’s attention, Vickie placed a quick peck on her cheek and interwhines her fingers to Robin’s.

You froze, it felt as if a knife was stabbed straight to you heart, how could you be so stupid? It was Vickie all along. Anyone can have the same interests as you for god’s sake. You’re not unique nor special, how could you think it was you whom she like?

You run out of the gym, Robin finally notices you and tried calling you but you avoided her. You toss the flowers to the trash bin, tears were streaming down your face. You head outside to Steve’s car and immediately knew that it went downhill. You sit in his car and buckle yourself.

Before Steve could say something, you immediately instruct him to drive, “Let’s talk about it at home, I just want to leave”

｡･:*˚:✧｡

Robin already felt something was wrong. Without hesitation, she ran after you but you were too fast - she didn't catch you on time. She looks around the hallway in hopes of finding you but instead, she spots a fresh set of flowers, her favorite flowers in a trash bin beside the lockers. She approaches it and sees a card with her name, she grabs the bouquet and take the card, opening it.

To the girl I fell head over heels for since day one,

I hope we can go out sometime and watch a movie, just the two of us. Like you know? a date.

- Y/N

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#stranger things #stranger things x reader #stranger things imagine #stranger things headcanons #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things fanfic #stranger things scenarios #robin buckley #robin buckley x reader #robin buckley imagine #robin buckley headcanons #robin buckley scenarios #maya hawke #maya hawke x reader

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girlindelusionn · 2 years

Note

oh my god HELLO i just logged back into tumblr and i screamed when i saw the two chapters you posted 😭 THEY ARE SERIOUSLY everything i could’ve dreamt of and more holy shit u are now my fave person in the world. also yes dw i did mean lover by taylor PLS. u have seriously made me the happiest person on the planet and i will be reading all 10k+ words. ily never stop writing

HI LOVE IM SO GLAD YOU'RE LIKING THIS 😭 you're officially my fave person in the world too, ily and thank u for such sweet words!!

here's chapter three <3

i want them all, robin x you (part 3!)

"We could let our friends crash in the living room

This is our place, we make the call"

part 2! part 4!

You leave the living room to go find more ice and smile like an idiot when you see her cleaning a couple of cups on the sink. Seeing her exist so naturally in your own house still made you unreasonably happy.

She was always beautiful, but tonight it was almost too much. Happiness did that for her. And, against all odds, she had been wrong all those times before. People, or a few of them, weren't that bad. Having friends was not a time bomb, a catastrofe waiting to happen, an eternal countdown. It was pretty cool. And it made her happy. So happy.

This year had been absolutely insane. It was exhausting to even think about it. But along the chaos, hatred and tragedy you two had grown closer to people you'd never in the world would’ve thought. I mean, fucking Steve Harrington was in your house right now! And you were okay with it! You were more than okay. You –and don't you ever tell him– kinda liked him..? Sophomore you is probably calling you a traitor in every language possible, how could you like that idiot?

Honestly, it had been just as surprising as it sounds. It’s not like you planned it.

But Robin and you desperately needed jobs during the summer –cause again, the running away thing– and the mall had recently opened so that was the most obvious choice. Besides, it meant spending all that time together without thinking excuses for your parents, and for two hormonal teenagers who had started dating just a couple months before, it was the best news in the world. Until you found out who was the third person that was gonna be working there. No joke, you almost quit on the spot. Not Steve! Literally anyone but Steve. And you knew Robin felt the same, even though she assured you pretty much every day that Tammy Thompson was not someone she thought about anymore.

But he was pretty chill now that he was out of Hawkins High. Which only proved your theory, school was a monster. He was great with kids, (he had a lot of kid friends, that was kinda weird) he knew how to handle customers (unless it was pretty girls) and he would always cover your shift if you needed to. He was also falling for your girlfriend, which wasn’t great but it was a bit amusing. Overall, he was a good guy.

But you liking Steve was only the beginning of the crazy things that happened during the summer. First there was the code, then the fucking elevator, then the russians (how could you forget the russians?) and then the magic kid and the giant monster.

So it was safe to say, summer had been wild.

Autumn had flown by after all that mess, and senior year had been good so far. Nobody tells you how exciting school can be when you have someone to secretly make out with in the bathroom. Your relationship was as good as it's ever been, keeping secrets was basically second nature for both of you. As sad as that might sound.

Good thing is, your mom and dad had decided to take a vacation for the holidays. Three. Entire. Weeks. Of an empty house and a possibility for you two of, inside these four walls, having a normal life. She had packed a bag and told her parents you were going to yet another break up and were in the urgent need of a “girls week”. Sometimes, like two percent of the time, being gay ruled.

You had spent these weeks cooking, reading, singing and wearing down every vinyl on your collection. Doing all those things you normally wouldn't. And it has been the best time of your life. Every time it got clearer and clearer that Robin was who you wanted to spend your life with. Even if that was something you would never confess to her right now. Even if legally that couldn’t even happen.

“You’re staring” she says. You just snort and hug her from behind. Struggling to get to her shoulder.

“Who gave you the right to be this tall, huh? Who do you think you are?” she laughs at your tease, pretending she can't hear what you're saying from so far above. With that she earns a light punch to her side.

“Ow!”

“You deserved it” you say with a smile that gets quickly attacked by her kiss. Surprised, you look at her with your eyebrows up. “What was that?”

“Oh, it's just something called kissing…” she jokes “I can give lessons anytime soon if you want. Ow!” another punch to the side.

“I mean– we have guests in the house”

“So what? They’re over there and it wouldn’t be so bad either if they found out, right?” your face shows confusion but you keep your smile. “Why are you looking at me that way? If you don’t want them to find out, I won’t tell them or do anything in front of them. At least not on purpose, but you know how hard it is for me to actually shut up! I mean the other day Steve heard me say goodbye to you over the phone and I had to tell him my grandma calls me babygirl and–- “

You kiss her again just to shut her up. A very recurrent situation in your relationship.

“I don’t care, Rob. But I thought you did…” you hug her a little tighter and you feel her relax in your arms.

“I mean, it’s not like I want the entire school to know about it… But maybe just Steve?”

“You wanna tell Steve?” you ask once again just to make sure she’s really okay with it.

“Yeah”

“Alright, then we’ll tell him.” you smile and she follows right after “We wait until Nancy and Jonathan are gone?” she nods and you let her continue with the dishes. The music sounds muffled from here, but you can hear laughter above it.

“So, just for the sake of the tradition…” you ask, sitting above the counter, next to her. “Where are you thinking of running away this year?”

She smiles to herself and thinks for a minute before answering, gaze never leaving the cups.

“Honestly… nowhere.”

You gasp, jokingly. “Who are you and what have you done to my girlfriend?”

She laughs a bit, but she’s serious when she says:

“What have you done to me? You made Hawkins a livable place!”

That thought, the fact that she didn’t care about where she was physically as long as she had you, made you melt with love. She was the sweetest person and you loved her so much it hurt. So, naturally, before leaving the kitchen with the ice in hand you have to steal one more kiss from her. You had planned a simple, quick kiss, but your girlfriend decided to grab your face and deepened it. You had cero (0) complaints, of course, but when you hear Jonathan’s steps in the hallway you barely have time to pull away.

“Guys? Steve just landed on the sacred stair and he might have to go back all the way to the start!” he explains as he enters the kitchen. You both hope he wont realize the faint traices of sexual tension left on the air. Or how you two are a liiitle closer than usual “Hurry up!”

You grab the ice and follow him out of the kitchen, not before shooting Robin a grin.

The other two were still in the living room playing some kind of game Dustin had invented. It made absolutely no sense, but Steve had promised to learn the rules and play with him. Robin had landed in some kind of pit so she had lost fifteen turns. Jonathan was a little ahead of you, but he had terrible luck with the dice. You were doing pretty good, but had drawn a curse card at the beginning of the game, which made it impossible for you to advance more than five steps at a time. And Nancy and Steve were currently fighting for the win. Nancy, who had landed on the “silence cave” and could not talk for the next two turns, was four steps behind him, but now Steve had landed on the “Sacred Stair”.

“So now if you get anything but a three you're doomed?” you ask, incredulously, as soon as you sit back on the table.

Nancy nods, Jonathan checks the handwritten manual for the fifth time, and you can’t help but laugh at Steve’s worried face.

“C’mon, Steve. You can do this.” he cheers himself up. You hear Robin scream “WAIT FOR ME” from the kitchen. A couple seconds later she's back at her spot next to you.

“Give me a three, a three, a three…” he throws the little dice a little too hard, it rolls and rolls and falls under the table. “NOBODY MOVE” All of you four find it hilarious how seriously he was taking this game.

“ITS A FIVE” informs your girlfriend with a smile on her face.

“NO WAY”

“YOU LOST!” joyfully screams Nancy, who was also taking this more seriously than she should.

“WHERE IS IT?”

“Now you have to go back to the book of secrets, babe” laughs her boyfriend.

“ITS A FUCKING FIVE. OH, C'MON!” he laments “After all the time that I spent trying to get the fives for the Philosopher Monster!”

And for a second everyone is happy –except for Steve, obviously– and for the first time in your life you are certain you have found your people.

The rest of the night practically flies by and when you all notice it’s ten thirty. Jonathan and Nancy had promised to be home by eleven, to celebrate with their families, so they say goodbye and thank you for the invitation. Nancy doesn’t lose the opportunity to make fun of Steve one more time before leaving.

“Let’s do this again sometime!” says Jonathan, kind as always.

“Yes! Can’t wait to beat you again, Steve!”

“Oh, shut up”

After a little more bickering the couple is gone and Steve stands by the door awkwardly. You know the problem, he didn’t have any family to spend the night with and he was also too embarrassed to tell you both, which was ridiculous.

“Well… I should get going too…”

“Steve, dingus, you can stay over '' clarifies Robin. His face lights up a bit, but he’s still a bit unsure.

“You’re sure?” he asks you, the owner of the house.

“Of course, Harrington.” You smile and he gives you a hug that catches you off guard. He even takes advantage of the height difference too and lifts you a little off the ground. You laugh and hit him on the back of the head, jokingly. “Put me down, idiot!” he does so and thanks you once more “Now, when you had the genius idea of knocking the board off the table–“

“Nancy’s fault!”

“… you also knocked the little carrots, I want them out of my floor by the time I’m done with dishes. Robin you’re in swapping duty, or the spilled soda it's gonna end up sticking to the floor”

“Yes, ma’am!” They both say. Posing as soldiers, with hands on their foreheads. You roll your eyes, and make your way to the kitchen.

After a while of tedious cleaning, —those damn carrots had flown everywhere— you take downstairs the couple of mattresses you kept for visitors and make a big bed in the middle of the living room. Steve’s early Christmas gift for Robin and you, a Queen record, was playing softly in the background and the clock on the wall marked fifteen minutes till midnight.

Steve’s in the bathroom but Robin and you are already in bed. She’s nervous, you can tell. She’s slightly trembling and fidgeting with her hands. It isn’t really the first time you both do this, but it’s as terrifying as the last time:

You two walk the distance between your math class and Mr Hauser’s classroom as you damn this fucking school for being so closed minded. All you wanna do right now is hold her shaking hand.

“We don't have to do this, you know?”

“But I want to.” She reminds you. You’re unsure “I really do. I'm just a bit nervous.”

“Are you sure this is gonna be fine? Maybe we could start with someone safer?” you offer when you face the door. Robin shakes her head no.

“Trust me, there’s no one safer than Mr Hauser.” you’re still not a hundred percent convinced, but she looks sure of her words and you would trust her with your life, so you knock on the door.

You both enter after you hear his “come in!”. He looks surprised to see you.

“Robin! Y/N! How nice to see you both” he greets.

“Hi” says Robin, who’s getting more and more nervous every second that passes.

“Hi, Mr Hauser.”

You occupy the first two seats as you chat about your winter break. Well, you and Mr Hauser, Robin is weirdly quiet because of the nerves. You try to help by holding her hand under the table.

“All the way to California?” the teacher is telling you about the winter break he spent visiting his family “That must have been nice"

“Yes! Great weather. And I even managed to find a copy of–”

“SO WE'RE DATING” says Robin out of the blue. You look at her astonished. “Y/N and I, we’re kinda– not kinda, we’re dating.” she explains. Her face is the same shade of red as her converse.

“Oh…” he says with a confused smile. You hold your breath, you know how much Mr Hauser means to her and not having his support would be devastating for Robin. “That’s great! I’m happy for you both"

You continue with the conversation, Robin actually participating this time. You even get to tell him all about your traveling plans. You also find out Mr Hauser was already aware of Operation Croissant, apparently Robin told him all about it, and he confesses he pretty much knew there was something going on between you two.

You’re having a really good time, but after a while you need to go. Today you had a geography test and you needed every second possible to study so you say goodbye to her and the teacher and make your way to the library. As soon as you leave Robin turns back to see Mr Hauser, who’s looking at her with a grin, waiting for her to talk.

“I know that you feel like I'm rushing into this, and it's probably a bad idea to make all these plans when we’re so young and delusional but—” she starts to ramble.

“Robin…"

“No, no, I know what you’re gonna say. ‘That’s just me being really in love for the first time’ but honestly it feels like i'm never gonna love anybody but her. Which I know sounds ridiculous cause we’re only seventeen and we have all our lives ahead of us an–”

“I was going to say that you look genuinely happy for the first time, Robin.” he explains with a small smile.

“Oh…” she breathes “I am. I really am.”

“Then there’s nothing more to say.”

So the whole telling Mr Hauser had gone well, and chances were telling Steve would go just as good. But it still felt awfully scary.

“STEVE, CAN YOU HURRY UP, DUDE?” Robin yells at him. She just wants to let it out.

“IM IN THE BATHROOM” he complains.

“AND WHAT’S TAKING YOU SO LON—?”

“WE DON’T WANT DETAILS. I REPEAT, WE DO NOT WANT DETAILS” you look at her with an ‘are you insane?’ look. Robin shrugs and you sight. “Rob, it’s gonna be okay, dummy. It’s just Steve.”

She looks at you and you know she’s really trying to believe you, but it's just not that simple.

“I know, I know. It 's just… too much, sometimes.” She shows her trembling hands and this time you do kiss her, taking advantage of the fact Steve’s still in the bathroom. Starting to realize this might be the last time hiding kisses. At least from him.

That sounded wonderful. So wonderful you kiss her even fondly. She accepts it, running her hand through your hair.

“WHAT?”

Oh, fuck.

You drift apart from your girlfriend, who is still too shocked to even speak. She has the same guilty smile as you do. Like two kids caught red handed.

“…WHEN? W— WHAT?”

You might have broken Steve.

“YOU TWO ARE…” he starts to guess.

“Dating, yeah.” You explain. But that doesn’t erase his frown and confused gaze.

“For how long?” He says after a few seconds of silence.

You turn to Robin with a knowing look. “…a while”

“FOR HOW LONG Y/LN?” He’s not mad, just surprised. How could he have missed this completely?

“Nine months.” you reply.

“WHAT? SO YOU WERE ALREADY DATING WHEN I MET YOU?”

“Technically–” finally speaks Robin “ …yes. But only for a few weeks.”

“Wait, and all that time I…”

“Wanted to bang my girlfriend?” You complete his sentence “Yes, that was funny. But I don’t blame you, though, look at her.”

“Oh, shut up” complains Robin, rolling her eyes at you. You respond by sticking your tongue out. She tries to hide her smile, but, as always, fails miserably.

You’re about to make fun of her yet again, but remember Steve’s still sitting in front of you. He’s wearing one of your giant t-shirts, those he's been trying to steal for the longest time, you make a mental note to make sure he actually gives it back before leaving tomorrow morning. He’s still processing, you think, but just to make sure Robin asks:

“Are you… Are you okay with it?” there’s worry in her voice and that makes him snap out of his thoughts.

“Of course!” he assures and you feel her breathe again. It physically hurts to see her that anxious. She didn’t deserve a single bad thing. Ever. “I mean it’s a lot. And I feel like an idiot for not noticing–”

“Oh, that’s old news, Steve.” Robin chuckles, he doesn't find it as funny.

“Well I was gonna talk about how you two are actually a match made in heaven and how I'm so happy for you guys, but whatever...”

“Dear God, you’re such a drama queen.”

“Come over here, you dingus.”

You three hug and when you drift apart Robin’s smile could light up the room. You have never seen her smiling so big. It takes you every bit of self control to not kiss her right there on the spot.

Then you remember. You can! You can kiss her right here right now! In front of someone!

So you do.

“Gross!” Jokes Steve. Earning not one but two punches, one in each shoulder.

#wlw #stranger things #robin buckley #robin buckley x you #dating robin buckley #robin buckley x female reader #lgbt #steve harrington #nancy wheeler #jonathan byers #nancy and jonathan

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babsvibes · 2 years

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HEY love your blog, ty for being you and keeping this fandom alive <33 ANYWAYS I'm curious to your thoughts abt the melon episode are? I know people tend to use that as a "gotcha" moment for killing Louigan as a ship so I kinda ignore it ever happening LMAO but there might be more from the episode I'm not taking? What do you think?

BABE?! Flattery AND a request for analysis?? Y’all aren’t in a contest for my love…. But if you were…. (you would be a top contender). Now, “I'm glad you brung it up because I been dying to talk about it for a fucking hot minute.”

First, I do enjoy the episode. We get more background info for Logan (he’s seeing a doctor for his emotions? Hello? Also, he’s stupid enough to think he can jump to the second story of a building, love it), we see a new side of Gene, Bob and Linda are high, and also it has the line “Are you saying this is proof there’s a god?” I can't hate the episode even though it gives a few folks a sense of righteousness when they want to act out in my guest comments lol

I want to make space for the fact that it doesn’t feel like a typical Bob’s Burgers episode, and it’s more than natural to be uncomfortable with some of the storytelling decisions made. I do think there’s a reason for these decisions though, which I hope to explain from my perspective.

The main takeaways today will be:

These are characters in a sitcom written by different creators.

Creators are going to have their own story they want to tell.

This episode is about Gene and Louise’s relationship, not their relationship with Logan.

So let’s break these points down.

These are characters in a sitcom written by different creators.

As much as we want to believe or hang on to things like character development or growth, these qualities are not as applicable in a situational comedy (sitcom). If the characters grew or changed too much, then we stop being able to create conflicts that are interesting to a wider audience. Stories need conflict, and that’s harder to create with a flawless character.

We can have an episode where Tammy learns to sacrifice for the good of others like in Sleeping with the Frenemy but goes right back to being selfish in Tweentrepreneurs.

Every writer is going to have their own take and interpretation on a character, especially depending on what the story needs. While they might need to stay consistent to a character bible, things like how they react to certain situations or other people are not always going to be represented in the same way.

Teddy will always be a handyman with a love of burgers. Tina will always be an awkward teenaged girl. However, sometimes Teddy is fine with Mort and sometimes he’s aggressive with the fellow customer. Sometimes, Tina has stage fright/can talk on stage with others, and sometimes she can’t.

Let’s pull this into focus with Logan, Louise, and (surprise) Gene.

Logan DOES have a consistent trait right up there with Teddy being a handyman. It’s that he has a berserk button (check this out on TVtropes, but a way to explain it is that it’s the fictional version of a trigger). Logan is called to action as a REaction to something he views as his space or his person being violated, typically in front of his friends ex: the steps, the hill, Dakota pushing him into a closet, and the melon. That he views it as his space, whether earned or not, is crucial here. In Late Afternoon in the Garden of Bob and Louise, for the most part he’s just there to be annoying, not an actual threat. However, once his friends arrive and he takes more ownership of the space (“I do whatever I want around here”) then he gets upset that there’s spitballs thrown at him. Once the threat to his space is removed, he is no longer agitated. He doesn’t follow Louise and her friends in Better Off Sled after they retreat. He doesn’t lash out about Louise stalking him at school, the mall, or even up to the front steps of his home. He doesn’t get into a frenzy with Louise because of the way Dakota (and his mom) acted in Mother Daughter Laser Razor. Thing is? Rotten fruit doesn’t just go away.

Logan could have chosen to wash away the melon himself, however we know by this point that another consistent trait for him is that he is an incredibly immature mid-teen boy. He gets in “I know you are but what am I” fights with Louise. Frankly, I also think he doesn’t have a sense of “this is a little girl therefore I need to take it easy on her.” I think he sees her as a competitor on equal grounds with him. He mentions “cheap sex ladies” around her, he threatens to throw ice at her (something he had been doing with his friends), and seems surprised that she’s crying in the melon episode. I just don’t get the sense that he recognizes that he should be treating her differently because of her age, which is a sign of his immaturity.

The way things escalate are, to me, a little out of character though. Yes, I think it’s in character that he gets pissed off about the melon being thrown. I think it’s in character that he staked out the Belcher residence. If somebody threw a three year old melon at my crotch when I was 16? I would have burned down the building because I was an angry kid. However, Logan’s actions have never felt like punching down before. They’re always a kind of quid-pro-quo for whatever Louise has dealt him. Logan using his size and strength to punch down in this episode made things more threatening and, yeah, felt out of character. But we’ll get into why these decisions might have been made later.

Quick side note to venture into headcanon territory. I would bet my left asscheek that Logan doesn’t have a sense of privacy or stability at home and that’s what is fueling this fierce protection of himself, his friends, and his space. Logan is not treated well by his mom. That’s canon, and you can check out a few instances here. She controls where he goes, is demanding of him with little regard for his wants, and often shows disdain for him. If he had a supportive mother who showed an ounce of love or gentle parenting that isn’t the result of some contest to be Best Mom, then I don’t think he’d be as angry as he is.

With Louise, she is a little out of character in this episode as well. While it’s been pointed out to me that it’s in character for a nine-year-old to cry when backed into a scary situation (and I do agree with that), Louise isn’t a typical nine-year-old. It’s what makes her character so fun! She’s a mastermind that leads her siblings around, inappropriate (how many nine-year-olds can make a pun about foot fetishes?) and thrill-seeking. Louise has had a gun pointed at her and didn’t cry. Louise had to have an entire haunted house built special just to be able to scare her. Louise has been locked in a dark room with Logan before, and she punched him hard enough to put him on his ass? While it’s in character for a nine-year-old to be scared, it is not in character for Louise to be scared. So why is Louise scared? It is because of…

Gene. Gene’s character has been consistently shown as not a “typical” older brother. It’s called out in the beginning of the episode, and even in the next Logan episode he goes right back to letting Louise take the lead. But, the creators wanted to show Gene being a “good” older brother in a traditional sense (subjective). We can see that in the next point.

Creators are going to have their own story they want to tell.

Originally, the episode was going to have the tagline “AKA Logan’s Run,” but it was dropped to be just “Large Brother Where Fart Thou.” Not sure how many folks have seen Logan’s Run, but it’s a creepy movie. I think it’s indicative to understanding this episode to know that the intentions were there to tie it to this source material, and it’s even MORE crucial that it was dropped. I obviously can only speculate, but I think this episode was made to be creepy, but they went back to the drawing board to add in this message of “Gene Is A Good Big Brother.” Yeah, I’m purely guessing by the title change, but it does put other elements into perspective.

It’s not just dialogue and character action. So many little things in this episode are reminiscent of a horror movie. The music is especially kicked into high gear, but we also have the camera angles. The one where the burger phone drops to the ground in particular seems pretty Hitchcock to me. So we have music, camera angles, and the lighting for the confrontational scene in a dark warehouse. You know how Fanny pointed a gun at the family and it didn’t feel as intense? Yeah, the music, the lighting, and the camera angles were not designed to incite fear but whimsical thrill. Everything that happens in the climax of Large Brother Where Fart Thou has been done before (Zeke bruised/wrestled Gene against his will, they used “smell torture” on Darryl), but this was designed to be a much creepier story than in those instances.

We’ve established they wanted to tell this story and how they went about executing it, but why does that matter? Why did they need things to escalate this much?

Because it’s about Gene and Louise’s relationship.

We know Gene, and we know he’s not going to be the one to put himself in front of his sister. Frankly, if it hadn’t been pointed out to him at the beginning of the episode, I don’t think Gene would even have it in his mind that he has more responsibility as an older brother. He needed to be told that piece of information and he needed a push that could guarantee that he would act later. And it needed to be a BIG push. Logan is the best character they had that could elicit that type of situation, though not perfect which is why we see out of character elements from him and Louise.

Think this is still just a story about how Logan is the worst and Louise is a broken bird victim, hm? Rewatch the episode and notice something crucial: The situation only escalates when Louise purposefully ignores her brother’s warnings. Gene doesn’t want to throw the melon, but Louise does it anyway. Gene wants her to apologize, but she doesn’t and provokes Logan further. We see this from Logan’s line “I was thinking I was just going to give you a noogie or maybe a swirlie, but I changed my mind.” (Obviously, still not appropriate to do, but in his mind it’s “less threatening” than what he escalates it to).

The ending message becomes: Even if you ignore my advice and get into trouble, I will step in to face those consequences for you because I can see that you’re scared. I am too, but I’ll be here for you.

It’s a very sweet message, but it takes multiple characters being looser interpretations of themselves and an entire episode built around being creepy to get there… like Louise’s haunted house, but this is Gene Being Traditional. It’s a good episode and has some great lines, even if some of those lines are uncomfortable. More than anything, the reception is what I hate because folks tend to disregard that this is a story told by someone else. The storyteller’s role is crucial in understanding why a story exists, and it can’t be forgotten.

I’ll leave you with this: Our lives revolve around story, and not all of those stories are meant to be positive because that’s not indicative of the human experience. It is a disservice to not explore these regardless of reaction. I will always respect the creator’s right to create, even if I don’t like what it did to my ship lol

#babsbles #Bob’s burgers meta #asks #large brother where fart thou

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noa-nightingale · 3 years

Note

hello! I feel like I can talk to you at length about how much Steven Lim is a ray of sunshine that seems to bring out such positive vibes from the people around him.

like, every episode of Dish Granted is evidence of this, especially the latest one where he really vibes with Tony. their interaction is such cozy friendship goals. and when he brings out the food, everyone is just beaming with disbelief at how much thought goes into granting their dish and how much Steven values them.

also, and I've only recently noticed this, his energy with Andrew and Adam on Worth It is so distinct that it seems to have brought out the best and shiniest of these two otherwise stoic boys. I look at the way Andrew interacts with people on his other content (e.g. About To Eat, which has been great overall) and it really doesn't compare. when he's with Steven, Andrew seems so loose, so comfortable (he smiles and laughs so much oh my god), and almost vulnerable at times! I really miss standrew on tumblr dot edu

whew sorry for being overlong but I just wanna say one last thing: I hate love the fact that Steven is so much more attractive, especially on Dish Granted. is it the hair? is it the way he carries himself? is it the kindness? it really stresses me out. I just wanna wish him and Tammy and their fur babies the best this life has to offer.

Hello sweet anon! (And hello excuse to ramble about Mr Lim again!)

I am gonna talk about myself here for a moment but I'll try to keep it short - the idea that somebody might enjoy my company and get something positive out of the things I do and say is still really alien/weird/incomprehensible to me (despite some people very obviously finding value in the things I create, but it is just... such a strange concept to me; I blame it on the autism).

That's one of the reasons I find it so fascinating how Steven interacts with others.

I obviously just see the parts and facets of him he decides to put on the internet but it seems to me that he really wants to be part of others people's lives and have these experiences with them. That he wants these relationships, wants to cultivate them.

Now that I write it down, it seems kind of obvious to say it - that people want to be in each other's lives and enjoy their time together. But I am someone who is simultaneously scared and fascinated by that so... it is really really amazing to watch.

I love how he is with Tony. We only get to see how they are around each other on camera but I think he said somewhere that he and Tony are to each other what Shane and Ryan are to each other. (I can't remember where he said that though, someone correct me if I am misremembering it.) And that's just really heartwarming to me.

It is friggin' amazing that he gets to meet all these people and share these beautiful moments with them.

Oh Lord, you made me miss Worth It. ^-^ (And I hope that Adam will be on Dish Granted in a future season too.) It made me think about Andrew's Dish Granted episode - he said the same "Cheers, Steven" that he said on Worth It too and it made my heart hurt a bit. It has always been so lovely to me.

I love the theme of "Steven brings out the positive vibes in others" that runs through your message, and it honestly just confirms for me that Steven in an exceptional person.

And man, you already said it, that guy is just, like... really really attractive. It's mostly the kindness for me, and the warmth. Like, cooking for others and sharing food with others already is such a warm thing and Steven really makes it such an Experience, not only for the people in the episodes but also for us.

(It's also just... he just looks good. I love his little smile, and he has really pretty eyes, and I bet he gives great hugs. I could go on but this reply has been all heart-eyes already so I'll stop here lmao.)

That's it for now, and THANK YOU SO MUCH for putting in the effort of writing a long message and sending it my way, a lot of truth has been said there. ^-^

Sending a hug your way if you want it. I loved answering to you, made my day brighter and better. :D

Thanks again, take care of yourself and may there be a really good meal somewhere in your near future. 💜

#watcher #steven lim #dish granted #worth it

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asirensrage · 3 years

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Pick an OC and gush about why you are excited about them and their story! Be as wordy as you like! Ready... set... go! :-D

Well, hello! I don't recognize the blog name off the top of my head (I'm still half asleep) but what's up? Thanks for asking!

Oh god, choosing one is hard, lol. Let me go with Kate.

Kate's story is Tammy Thompson Takes on the Upside Down and it started with the idea of how terrible it would be to wake up in someone else's body. Especially if you were an adult and woke up as a teenager again. Then I set it in Stranger Things and it became a bit of an anti-thesis to Caught in the Crossfire lol. Simply because Kate doesn't know the story. She knows there's monsters involved and Steve Harrington takes care of some kids, but that's it.

I wanted to focus on the difficulty in adjusting, the fear of not knowing what happened to the person whose body you're in and going from the 2010s back to the 80s. Kate does get involved with the characters and some of the plot of the show (though at the moment, not much because she's trying to find her way through the place) and I used her to also explain some things that the show didn't cover in s3 (like what happened to Carol and Tommy) lol.

Honestly, I just love Kate. I love the person that she is. Courageous, steadfast and who doesn't put up with shit, lol. She's someone who makes the choice not to sit back and let things happen or people be terrible if she can stop it. This is part of what gets her into trouble lol. Her being 28 years old also puts her in this strange place between being a teenager in this universe and connecting more to the adults of the place. It's an EPIC slow burn which I am having a ton of fun with, and I have so many plans for this. I like that Kate doesn't get along with everyone for her own reasons which I feel is realistic. Sometimes you just don't vibe with people and she makes mistakes but she works through it and tries to fix them. She holds people accountable and gets held accountable in turn.

Kate's story is definitely a happier one compared to The Art of Seclusion and Caught in the Crossfire, even with the angst in it lol. I have so many plans for this fic which takes place further past season 3 (I can safely say I do wildly deviate from canon at a point, especially after s3). It's been a lot of fun to write, especially some of her fights or interactions (like with Tommy, Carol, or Billy lol).

(While Kate eventually ends up with Steve, I have a pairing planned for Robin as well as one for Billy. I don't think anyone will guess what I have planned for Billy who's going to earn his redemption).

#thanks for asking!#wordspin-shares #asks #tammy thompson takes on the upside down #oc: kate thompson #the world of stranger things is not prepared for kate at all #lol

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melchron · 4 years

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Solve It Squad: Back In Biz 1 Thoughts

OH MY GOD THIS IS THE FUNNIEST THING EVER

I feel like I watched so much and nothing at the same time

nick gage and meg lloyd loml

but seriously that intro is amazing

I love their cartoony designs and the song is so good

everyone in the instalive hates keith

worst witness ever

how is esther this high and drunk and still the only one to have a braincell

they can tell human hair from animal hair

I love that scrags wants a new puppy

jiavani is great and I love her

my mom thought jiavani was james in a wig and I still haven't recovered

her parents just left their baby to live with squirrels for 3 days????

I love that talking dogs are a normal thing

I have several questions about the smoking dog and I don't know how many of them I want answered

"I don't want to force it" *continues to suggest the dog do things cluebert would do*

I am so curious what made doinky stand out. like the first dog seemed nice. he misses his family

also why is he like that???? doinky is just so?? like not cute

I actually have a lot of questions about doinky but we don't have time to get into all of that

KEITH KNOWS ABOUT TRAPS LIKE FRED!!!!!!!

are the amazon workers ok???? they got caught in beartraps

DAPHNE NAME DROP

I don't like keith's uncle. he hunts animals and is kinda creepy

so gwen has a new last name and now I need to retag everything

mimi loml

I love all of the circus people

the doinky voice sounds like joey's diane voice but like if she got possessed

esther does not want kids

I hope the chimp gets happiness

gwen is a working woman

ESTHER IS NONBINARY!!!!!!!!

AND THEY'RE GOING ON A DATE WITH GWEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MY RIGHTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nicholas sweetie I'm sorry you didn't deserve any of this

wow scrags how about you do something for someone else for once

yes hi hello I love paris so much. she is perfect in every way

goth jojo siwa

cam is good too also

ok I know keith sucks for trying to end gwen's marriage but watching him try to be a dad is the cutest thing

sorry I'm still freaking out over gwen and esther getting high and going on a date

THEY CALLED HER THEIR WIFE I CAN'T

ESTHER WAS PETTING HER

THEY GOT MATCHING TRAMP STAMPS

THEY DID THE LADY AND THE TRAMP KISS

YOU CAN'T TELL ME THEY AREN'T MARRIED

ACAB

I don't know where they got that mouse mask but I never want to see it again

awww esther won nerf guns for their wife at the not chuck e. cheese. couple goals

paris is ready to join her friends how iconic of her

keith singing all the small things in prison I'm dying

tammy is god

in conclusion, some dude has a girlfriend, and the girl has a partner, and that person has a wife, and that girl has a husband and two kids

#mel thinks thoughts #solve it Squad #solve it squad: back in biz #tin can bros #tcb #melchron the good book #back in biz spoilers #? is this the tag #solve it Squad: back in biz spoilers #sisbib spoilers #sisbib

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thesassenachswiftie · 4 years

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Lover - Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

Read on AO3

Chapter 1 // Chapter 2 // Chapter 3 // Chapter 4 // Chapter 5 // Chapter 6 // Chapter 7 // Chapter 8 // Chapter 9 // Chapter 10 // Chapter 11 // Chapter 12

Summary: Claire and Jo go Christmas shopping; Claire gets a call at work that Lamb’s in the hospital in Boston where she fears she will need to spend the holidays without Jamie. In short: angst, but make it festive.

" This won't go back to normal, if it ever was It's been years of hoping, and I keep saying it because 'Cause I have to

Ooh-ah, you'll get better..."

CW: cancer, hospitals, illness of a loved one,

Notes: First of all, if you’re still here, thank you for reading, and thank you for bearing with me as I took a small hiatus. Hopefully I will be getting back to a more regular posting schedule, but work is really draining right now and it’s hard to find enough hours in the day to do everything.

As you know, each Chapter of this fic is based off a Taylor Swift song by the same name. This one was particularly difficult to write/approach because I actually haven’t listened to this song in over a year. In early Summer 2019, a tumor was found on my grandfather’s brain. This was also the summer I discovered Outlander, and the summer Taylor Swift released Lover. The day after Lover came out, I broke down sobbing in my apartment listening to this song and thinking about my grandfather, knowing his condition was worsening. That night, I recieved the call that my grandfather had passed. He was the kindest, purest soul and I write this chapter in part as a tribute to him. Many of the experiences Claire and Lamb share are based on my own experiences with my grandpa that summer, and this version of Lamb is very much based on my Grandpa Jim.

That being said, you may want to grab a box of tissues before reading, but hopefully not all your tears will be sad. I’m hoping to post again before Chistmas, but in case I don’t Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays--and Happy Hanukkah to any Jewish readers I may have--here is a Hanukkah present for you!

Chapter 13: “Soon You’ll Get Better”

“All I want for Christmas is yooouuuuu” the sounds of Mariah Carey rang out throughout the small boutique gift shop in the heart of the village of Northport.

“Good God, we’re only a week into December and I swear I’ve already heard this song three hundred times. I’m not exaggerating either. Two hundred and eight-four at the very least.” Jo scoffed exasperatedly.

“Are you complaining?” Claire asked in reply. “It’s a great song--a classic really.”

“Do you know how many incredible, amazing, beautiful, jolly Christmas songs there are in existence?” Jo was gearing up for one of their famous rants, “Yet, the radio stations only ever play the same eighteen songs, I swear!”

“It must be more than eighteen.”

“Fine. Twenty. Take this song for instance: Ingrid Michaelson has the most hauntingly beautiful cover of it--do you ever hear it? No! You only ever hear Mariah!”

“I, for one, like Mariah!” Claire interjected, playfully defensive.

“Who doesn’t? But she’s not the only powerhouse female vocalist out there! I’d just like to see a little diversity in my holiday music, is that so much to ask?”

Claire giggled. Her best friend always had an opinion on everything and she loved them all the more for it. “Do you think Jenny would like this candle?” Claire unscrewed the lid a locally-made jar candle, taking a sniff before placing it under Jo’s nose. It smelled like Lavender and Sage with just a hint of Eucalyptus.

“Does Jenny keep a lot of candles around, with all those children?” Jo chuckled back. “It does smell nice though.” Jo had only met Jenny a couple times when visiting Claire, but they had a knack for reading people and Claire was glad to have them along as a shopping partner.

“I suppose candles aren’t really her thing. Jenny seems very practical, but I don’t know what she would need that she doesn’t already have, and Jamie’s been no help!”

“I think you’re on the right track with the self-care/relaxation vibe, but maybe not something the children can use to burn the house down. What about an artisanal lotion set?” Jo inquired, gesturing at a nearby display.

“Oh that might work!” Claire took a squirt from the bottle labeled ‘tester’ inhaling deeply as she rubbed it between her palms. “Ooo that’s nice, I would appreciate this if I were a hardworking mother.”

“If things keep going the way they are with your man, LJ, you might just be before you know it” Jo made a lewd gesture with their hands, raising their eyebrows to make it clear exactly what they were implying.

“Jo! You’re terrible” Claire shrieked, smacking her friend playfully on the arm. Besides, not much of that happening these days if you haven’t noticed, Jamie is literally across the ocean.”

“Well, at least you can’t get knocked up from phone sex,” Jo replied. “What are you getting him anyway? I’m thinking something lacy and strappy, with little bows on it of course, to be festive. There’s a place down the street that might have something like that.”

“Hmm” Claire exhaled. “We’ll see.” Claire knew lingerie was definitely going to be part of Jamie’s Christmas gift, one she would be most excited for him to unwrap. God, she missed him. It had been over a month and they were settling into a routine, video chatting every night, sweet texts back and forth throughout the day, the occasional phone sex when they were both sick with desire for one other--but nothing was the same as the feel of their bodies pressed against each other in the heat of the moment, chasing each other’s climax. Claire couldn’t wait to be reunited with him in every way.

It was two days before Christmas break, only a few days left until Claire would find freedom for the next ten days and, most of all--the comfort of Jamie’s arms. Claire was sitting in her school nurse’s office, inhaling deeply during the first quiet moments she’d had all week. There was an uptick of student visits in the past couple weeks--a few were legitimate concerns tied to cold and flu season: students whose parents sent them to school when they weren’t quite well enough, overachievers who wanted to maintain their perfect attendance dragging themselves to school despite their bodies protestations. Most of her patients however, were suffering from something much more insidious: the eagerness to start their winter break early by skipping their classes. This time of year the air of the school felt different, students and teachers alike were burnt out, apathetic, and ready for a break. This attitude in the students fed into the teachers’ attitudes--overworked with the end of the marking period, trying to squeeze in Christmas shopping and decorating between grading. Claire did not envy Jo nor any of the other teachers during this time, but their exhaustion was so palpable in the air of the school that she was starting to feel it too. By tomorrow, most teachers would be shutting their doors and playing a holiday film, giving up on instruction all together--hopefully that would make for a quiet day for Claire. Really, if she could just get through the rest of the day it would be smooth sailing until Christmas--until Jamie.

Her silent musings were broken by the blaring sound of her office phone. She was expecting a teacher, calling to send a student down, but instead it was the school clerk, Glenda. “Hi Nurse Beauchamp, we have an outside call for you, it seems like it may be a personal call so if there’s any students with you we can send someone down to watch them if you’d like to take it privately here in the office.”

Claire's heart sank to her stomach. What could it be? She took a deep breath and swallowed to brace herself before replying “last student just left.”

“Alright, I’ll transfer you now.” The click of the call transferring sounded through the phone.

“Hello, this is Miss Beauchamp”

“Hello Miss Beauchamp, I’m Tammy, a nurse at Mass General we’re calling because you’re listed as the emergency contact for Quentin Beauchamp” a nasally voice croaked through the phone speaker--the voice was impersonal like that of a cashier saying “have a nice day” for the thousandth time, not fitting of a potential harbinger of death.

“Yes…” Claire replied, nervously, questioningly.

“Mr. Lambert was admitted this morning after showing signs of cognitive distress. An initial cat scan shows a mass on his brain. He’s currently undergoing testing to see if it’s cancerous.”

Claire’s lungs felt like they were about to collapse. Lamb had been diagnosed with prostate cancer several years ago, but had been able to live with it through treatment. Claire also knew that cancer was insidious and could spread throughout the body rapidly and without warning. She knew it was very likely that the mass was cancer. She tried to find her medical professional voice, but a diagnosis was different when it was someone you loved. Instead, she croaked out, “when will you know?”

“We should have the results by tomorrow. He’ll stay here overnight for monitoring and we’ll decide whether to admit him long term from there.”

“I’m on Long Island, should I drive up?”

“I’m afraid it’s too soon to tell, it could be nothing, but--” Claire cut her off, knowing exactly how bad it could be.

“I understand. I’ll drive up this evening.”

“Alright, he should be back in his room by then, he’s out getting his tests done now. It’s room 713 when you get here.” Claire wrote the number on a bright blue sticky note on her desk as the nurse spoke. “Have a nice day Ms. Beauchamp”

“Hmm” was all she could reply, as if she could possibly have a nice day. She hung up the phone, and finally let the deluge of tears she’d been holding back free.

She allowed herself to cry for a few minutes to get it out, but she knew she had to get to Boston as soon as possible. She picked up the phone again and dialed the main office.

“Hi Glenda, it’s Claire. I need to take the rest of the day off--I have to go to Boston, my uncle…” she couldn’t say it out loud for fear of unleashing the tears again “Is Principal Gowan there, I need to let him know.”

“Oh Nurse Beauchamp, I’m so sorry to hear that, let me know if you need anything. Mr. Gowan’s in his office, I’ll transfer you to him now, if he doesn’t answer just pack up your things and go, I’ll take care of it”

“Thanks Glenda, I really appreciate it”

----------

After getting the ok from her kind and understanding principal, Claire rushed back to Jamie’s apartment, hastily packed a bag (likely forgetting several things), informed Jenny where she was going--which was met with sympathy and genuine concern--and hopped back in the car for the journey to Boston. She entered the hospital doors several hours later, the buttons of her coat were tangled in her hair as she rushed, breathless, to the front desk to receive her visitor’s pass.

When she arrived at Lamb’s room, he was asleep. She didn’t want to wake him, but she gave his hand a reassuring squeeze to let him know she was there before settling into the armchair beside him to await his awakening. He looked so frail and small in the hospital bed, not at all like the strong, spirited man who had raised her. He had left the television on--some sports channel was playing a highlight reel of various golfing moments. No wonder Lamb fell asleep. Claire was staring at the screen, but her thoughts were elsewhere: worried about Lamb, wondering if she’d remember everything when she hastily packed, wondering what the future held. Would she have to spend Christmas in this hospital room? A golf ball soared across the Scottish Highlands on the screen. Jamie. Jamie was coming home Christmas Eve, she was supposed to pick him up from the airport, supposed to spend her holiday break with him, experience her first Hogmanay with the Murray family, be surrounded by love and laughter and family. Lamb was supposed to be fine, he was supposed to take the train down, spend Christmas with them. Every plan they had made was shattered into a million pieces. Would she even be able to see Jamie? She thought about the presents she’d bought for him, not yet wrapped, piled in the closet but definitely not hidden, especially considering it was his apartment. Of course he’d understand--she could tell him where they were, but the magic of unwrapping would be lost, it would feel entirely unsentimental. It was bad enough that she felt her gifts weren’t sentimental enough--what could she possibly get him to show how special he was to her? How could she communicate that with an object? If she were a painter she would paint him a painting, if she were a songwriter she would write him a song, but she was simply Claire, and practical gifts were all she knew. She had purchased a cozy blue sweater to match his eyes and keep him warm in the brisk London winters, a cool multi-tool the size of a credit card that would fit in his wallet and help him solve a variety of problems, a protective case for his phone, and a box of artisanal beef jerky. She had also procured a complicated piece of lingerie with a big red bow across the chest for him to unwrap the night of Christmas, which she knew he would enjoy. Everything was thoughtful enough and mostly practical, but she longed to be able to give him something truly special--a grand gesture to match her feelings for him. Claire glanced back at her uncle and immediately felt guilty being so selfish. I hate to make this all about me. Lamb always had a knack for helping her realize what was important when life’s situations overwhelmed her. She needed him for perspective, but how could she talk to him about this? How could she tell him how she felt? She knew it was wrong, but she was mad at him for getting sick so close to Christmas. Who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do if there’s no you? The tears were welling up in her eyes as she watched her most beloved uncle sleep--hooked up to machines, pale and listless in the hospital bed.

Claire slipped into the adjoining bathroom to try to compose herself--she didn’t want her uncle to wake up and see her upset, she knew he would try to comfort her, to be the rock he always had been for her. She was here to be his rock this time, she needed to stay strong for him. She looked at herself in the mirror, telling herself it was going to be ok--her uncle was strong and he’d been fighting a long time--he’d continue to fight. Soon you’ll get better. She had to convince herself it was true, pretend it wasn’t real, it wasn’t so bad. She knew it was a delusion, she could see it all over her glass face when she looked in the mirror. She was genuinely afraid that this could be when she lost him, if not physically right away, he could be lost mentally. She’d been hoping for years he would get better, but now it seemed he’d taken a turn for the worse. She took a few deep breaths and offered up a prayer. She wasn’t usually religious, but they say desperate people find faith, so she decided it was time to try. God? Jesus? Whoever is up there. I know I don’t much deserve anything from you, I’m not sure I’m exactly on good terms with you, but I’m inclined to believe you care and you are good. Besides, I’m not really asking anything for myself, not really. I just pray my Uncle is ok, I pray he gets better. He has to. Please don’t take his brilliant mind away from him. Please let him be ok. Please, I’ll be good, I’ll do whatever it takes to help him. Just please, please, don’t take him away from me. I need him. Please let him get better. Please let him get better. Claire continued to repeat the words like a mantra as she returned to her bedside chair. She stared at the collection of orange bottles on the tray table. Please let them help him get better. Please let him get better. Please, please, please let him get better.

Claire had no idea how long she sat there, repeating those words to herself, but her silent appeal was interrupted when a nurse entered the room to check her uncle’s vitals.

“Hi, I’m Brenda, I’ll be the nurse on duty tonight.” Brenda erased a name on a small whiteboard in front of the room and replaced it with her own.

“I’m Claire, I’m his niece.”

Brenda had made her way over to the other side of the bed and was checking the monitors beside the bed, making notes on the chart in her hand. “I hate waking them up, but I’m going to have to.” Claire was glad that she was much kinder than the nurse she had spoken with on the phone earlier—had that really been earlier? It seemed much longer since that phone call. “Excuse me, Quentin? Sir?” Brenda gently nudged his arm to awaken him. Lamb’s eyes fluttered open and he looked disoriented, Claire watched him carefully hoping that his disorientation was solely from being awoken mid-sleep and not from any neurological damage.

“Hi Uncle Lamb” Claire stammered, hoping she sounded cheerful anyway.

“Claire! My girl! You came all the way to see your old uncle!”

“Of course I did! How are you?” she replied warmly.

“Oh, I’m fine, they’re taking good care of me here.” Lamb’s voice sounded genuinely content and Claire felt comforted for the first time since the hospital had called her earlier that day.

“Hello sir, my name’s Brenda, I’ll be your nurse tonight. I just need to ask you a few questions and check your vitals.”

“What is your name?”

“Quentin Lambert Beauchamp”

“Good. When is your birthday?

“March 23th, 1939”

“Good, and who is the president?”

“Well, unfortunately…” both Claire and Brenda giggled at how Lamb began his sentence. Claire was well aware of Lamb’s opinions of the current president of the United States, and was glad to see he hadn’t lost his sly sense of humor or his disdain for the man. She was also glad he knew who the president was, hopefully his mental capacities were more promising than the worst-case-scenario her mind was conjuring.

----------

Claire stayed by her uncle’s side for the rest of the night, only leaving the room twice, once to find something to eat from a vending machine, and once for her nightly call to Jamie. She allowed herself to break down when talking to Jamie, sobbing over the phone. Jamie did his best to comfort her through the speaker, desperately wishing he could be there for her in person. Claire wished the same, longing to curl up in his strong embrace, and bury her swollen face in his chest. She couldn’t bring up the fact that she might have to spend Christmas in Boston. She was enough of a mess without facing the reality that they wouldn’t see each other, and when Jamie promised they’d see each other soon at the end of their call, Claire hung up quickly as another wave of emotion overtook her and she buried her face in her hands to cry some more.

The next morning, the doctor came in with Lamb’s results. Claire grasped Lamb’s hand, unsure of who was holding onto whom for comfort as the doctor explained that the mass on Lamb’s brain was in fact cancerous, but it was still relatively small and had been caught early. He explained that they could operate on it and remove it, however there was no guarantee that it wouldn’t come back or that they’d be able to get it all out. It was moments like these where Claire desperately wished she was already a surgeon, that she could feel in control of the outcome--though could she operate on her own uncle? Would she be able to hold her hand steady enough to do a good job? No, perhaps it was best left to the veteran surgeons in Boston.

After discussing all the details and options with the doctor’s, Lamb decided to go through with the surgery. It was scheduled for the day after Christmas and Claire resigned herself to the sobering fact that she’d be spending the holidays in the hospital. As the florescent hospital lights lit the room with an unnatural glow, Claire couldn’t tell him she was scared. She had to stay strong, she had to keep it together and remain positive and supportive.

----------

Claire spent the next few days devoted to her uncle, rarely leaving his bedside. Lamb had forced her to spend the nights at his apartment, which was probably for the best. She wasn’t sleeping well to begin with and the recliner at the hospital was only making matters worse. Claire was present and doting on him from morning to night though, helping her uncle order his meals, assisting him when he needed to use the restroom, adding and removing pillows and blankets as needed, or anything else he needed or wanted. Lamb had been moved to the cancer floor, and the window of his new room had a nice view of the Boston skyline. Lamb was making the best of a bad deal, he bragged about his ‘luxury accommodations’, he cracked jokes often, he liked the nicer nurses, he ordered extra dessert with all his meals and was in generally pleasant spirits. Claire could see the cracks in his cognition though. Sometimes he would change the topic he was discussing mid-sentence, and he couldn’t seem to keep time straight. Whenever anyone would mention Christmas, he would act surprised to know that it was coming up, and at one point he hinted at Claire that she might just get those roller skates she wanted for Christmas, a gift she had not asked for since she was eleven years old. He didn’t seem to know what year it was or how old Claire was. He did know who Claire was though, and for that she was thankful. He also knew who the president was whenever the nurses asked, always beginning his answer with a short preamble to make known his disdain.

Before they knew it, it was Christmas Eve and Claire couldn’t hide the sadness she felt on her face. She was glad to spend the evening with Lamb, but she had been looking forward to her first big family Christmas. She had filled in Jamie about Lamb’s condition and her subsequent stay in Boston over the course of their phone calls that week. She had also describe the Christmas gifts she had purchased for the Murrays, Jo, and Lamb, so Jamie would know the rest were for him. Jamie had agreed to put the Murrays gifts in gift bags and distribute them for her. They were meant to exchange family gifts that evening, the morning being reserved for Santa, and Claire was heartbroken to be missing out. In a matter of hours, and for the first time in two months, her and Jamie would be on the same continent, yet they wouldn’t be able to see each other. There was no way Claire could get into the Christmas spirit under these conditions. The hospital, despite being modestly decorated, was not the most festive atmosphere. Even a troop of Girl Scouts caroling their way through the hospital halls did nothing to assuage the weight of losing everything Claire had been looking forward to for the past two months.

“What’s a matter, my dear?” Lamb asked, showing genuine concern for his niece.

“It’s nothing, I’m fine, I promise, I’m just wishing things were different today.”

“Why today? Is it something special? I can’t seem to remember.”

“It’s Christmas Eve. You were supposed to come to Long Island and meet Jamie. We were going to spend the holiday with his family.”

“Yes, I remember, that’s today? Oh dear, I haven’t gotten your gift yet I’m afraid.”

“That’s fine, Lamb, I’m afraid I left your gift at home, so we’ll have to do that part later. We can take a raincheck on gift exchanging. I was just really looking forward to you getting to know Jamie.”

“I’m sure I’ll meet the lad soon; he seems really special to you.”

“He is; I know you’ll like him.”

“I already do.” He patted the top of her hand and turned his attention back to the sitcom on the television, providing humorous commentary to try to cheer Claire up.

----------

It was late Christmas morning. Uncle Lamb was napping again and Claire had switched the television to the Hallmark Channel--usually her guilty pleasure this season, today it was simply reminding her of how her Christmas was proving to be less than magical. For her there would be no Christmas kisses, no magical snowfall, no saving the small town family business or learning to love Christmas again. All that awaited her this Christmas were fluorescent lights, beeping monitors, and nurses visiting every 6 hours to check her uncle’s vitals. This Christmas would be decidedly the most un-magical she had ever experienced. She had had her share of unconventional Christmases in the past, in fact, she never really was a Christmas person, but it had started to feel special to her when she was living in New York. This Christmas though--this was one she was looking forward to more than ever before. Claire spent most of the morning crying, grieving over all she was missing. She should have spent the morning curled up in Jamie’s arms, watching the children open presents. She could picture the Murray’s living room, trashed with colorful wrapping paper from end to end, each child in their own private world fascinated by their latest favorite toy, Jenny and Ian beaming through tired eyes.

Claire was surprised Jamie hadn’t called her to fill her in on the details yet. He had called yesterday when his plane arrived--groggy and jet-lagged, his communication skills were not the most eloquent, but he tried his best to make her feel better. She hadn’t heard from him at all this morning though, not even a Merry Christmas text. Surely the jet lag would have woken him up as early as the children, and they must have been done opening presents by now. Claire tried to rationalize that Jamie was just spending time with his family, but she couldn’t help feeling hurt and ignored. She thought she was important enough to him that he could take a moment away from his family to at least text her, or to find some way to make her feel included from afar. Had his feelings changed in their months apart? Did coming home to a messy apartment turn him off? Did she find his Christmas gifts and come to think she didn’t care enough to get him something more thoughtful? She thought about calling him, but a mixture of pride and fear kept her from acting first, not to mention she couldn’t stop crying over these sappy Christmas movies.

Suddenly, a voice from the doorway rang through the room, “Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!” Claire looked up in confusion, momentarily unable to comprehend her surroundings and the disruption that had just entered them. Santa? No. The tall figure filling the door frame was dressed like Santa, beard and all, but the unmistakable Scottish burr gave away his true identity. If Claire hadn’t already been crying, she certainly was now. Jamie was standing in the doorway, dressed in a Santa suit, carrying a large, blue IKEA bag overflowing with wrapped presents and what appeared to be Christmas decorations.

“What?” Claire could hardly believe he was there, she rose from the chair and the couple met in the middle of the room for a hearty embrace. Claire buried her face in the soft, fluffy suit covering Jamie’s chest, sobbing uncontrollably. Perhaps the setting wasn’t a snow covered street in a small town, but this was her own Hallmark movie moment--and to be honest, those Hallmark guys had nothing on James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. Jamie held her close, and tight, planting kisses in her curls and whispering softly to her.

“I’m here, mo nighean donn.” He caressed her shoulders with his thumbs, not releasing his embrace in the slightest, breathing in her scent, trying to absorb her fears and pain.

All of the commotion had awoken Uncle Lamb and after witnessing the couples’ embrace for longer than was comfortable, Lamb loudly cleared his throat to remind them of his presence in the room.

“Uncle Lamb!” Claire unfolded herself from Jamie’s embrace, keeping one arm around his back. Jamie sheepishly pulled the fake beard down around his neck to reveal his face and removed his Santa hat, clutching it tightly in the palm that wasn’t holding Claire. “This is Jamie, my Jamie. Jamie, this is my Uncle Lamb.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad it’s not Santa Claus, or we’d have a lot of explaining to do to the lad!” Lamb chuckled back.

“A pleasure to finally meet you, sir.” Jamie reluctantly released Claire from his grasp to step beside the bed, extending a firm but gentle hand to Lamb. “I’m sorry it’s not under better circumstances.”

“Pleased to meet you as well, lad” Lamb replied, patting Jamie’s hand with his before releasing their handshake. “And don’t you worry about me, I have the best nurse there is taking care of me.” Two sets of proudly smiling eyes met Claire across the room.

“Oh I dinna doubt it for a second. Your niece is a rare woman.”

“Glad to see we’re in agreement. Now what’s all that?” Lamb gestured towards the large tote discarded near Claire’s feet.

“Aye, I thought I’d bring you two a bit o’ holiday cheer.” Jamie pulled a large cardboard box from the bag and extracted a small tabletop Christmas tree from it, unfurling each branch carefully and placing it on the countertop across the room, plugging it in to reveal fiber optic lights changing colors dreamily. “I usually insist on my Christmas trees being more, well, alive, but under the circumstances this’ll have tae do.” Jamie and Claire spent the next half hour or so festooning the room in garlands and placing tiny ornaments on the small tree. Claire tried to ignore that more than half of the bag was filled with brightly wrapped gifts, not sure whether she was hoping they were all for her, or hoping that they weren’t. After all, she didn’t have anything to give him and she didn’t know if he had looked through his gifts yet nor if he had appreciated them.

While they decorated, Jamie filled Claire and Lamb in on the events of the last few days. Jamie had called Jenny to tell her not to bother picking him up from the airport. He had planned on renting a car there and driving straight to Boston. Claire could hear Jenny’s voice loud and clear through Jamie’s imitation “ya clotheid! Have ya gone daft? Yer barely able to form coherent sentences amidst the jet lag from yer Christmas Eve flight, and ya wanna drive five hours tae Boston in that state!?! Claire willna appreciate ya ending up in a ditch on the side of the road as a Christmas present ya eejit!” Jenny had made a fair point, and Jamie had agreed to sleep at home and left shortly after he awoke that morning, staying only long enough for the children to open their stockings, and to watch their faces alight with surprise at the sudden appearance of piles of presents under and around the tree.

“I’m glad you took Jenny’s advice, but most of all I’m glad you’re here.” She embraced him again. “You didn’t have to do this though, Jamie, I know how important your family is to you.”

Jamie stepped back and lifted Claire’s chin with his thumb, looking into her eyes. “You are important to me, Sassenach.” he replied, with a sincerity that penetrated Claire’s heart. Claire responded by kissing Jamie chastely on the cheek, knowing her uncle was only four feet away--politely trying to ignore them and watch the television which he had flipped to an all-day marathon of A Christmas Story on repeat. Jamie’s welcome intrusion broke up the monotony of hospital life and seemed to give Lamb a better sense of what day it was.

“Now that we’ve got the place looking good and festive, I believe it’s traditional to exchange gifts on Christmas day.”

“Jamie, it’s too much, I--”

“Oh? Thought they were all for you, didja Sassenach?” he teased. Claire blushed. Of course; she hadn’t really--but who else would they be for? Surely Jamie wouldn’t spoil Lamb, a complete stranger to him, quite so much, and no one else was there. She looked dumbfounded as she tried to come up with a defense but Jamie stopped her. “Dinna fash, Sassenach, Jenny wrapped your gifts for me and Lamb before I could see and I bought them along too. She thanks ya for the wee lotions, by the way.”

“God bless Jenny! That woman is a Saint.” Claire also silently thanked God that she had left the present she was planning on wearing for Jamie that evening in her dresser drawer, that was not a gift she wanted Jenny to see, and was definitely not something she wanted him to be opening in front of her uncle.

The three exchanged gifts, save Lamb, who had nothing to give but smiles and approval for the young couples’ thoughtful gifts. Jamie was genuinely appreciative of Claire’s gifts, although she kept insisting that she hadn’t finished shopping and there was more to come; to which Jamie humbly rejected, claiming it wasn’t necessary. Jamie’s gifts to Claire were thoughtful and meaningful, the most touching ones being a print of a painting of the rose garden he had ordered from the Botanic Garden’s gift shop and a bracelet engraved with the words perennis amor, which caused Claire to tear up and embrace him tenderly in spite of her uncle’s presence.

The three enjoyed the rest of the day thoroughly. A Christmas Story played in the background and they laughed and shared stories with one another. Jamie was a born storyteller and Lamb was elated to have a fresh audience to recount his many adventures to, so conversation flowed naturally between them, with Claire occasionally interjecting. Claire mostly just sat back and admired the two men who were most important to her, filled with joy that they were getting along, that Jamie was there, that it was Christmas. For the first time in several days she had hope and peace. She was surrounded by love in that hospital room as well. She had all the things Christmas was said to bring, and for that she was grateful. Jamie had made her greatest Christmas wishes come true without her even asking and she felt lucky to be alive.

The hospital staff served their version of Christmas dinner for the small family, and while Claire was sure it paled in comparison to whatever Jenny had made, it was quite delicious, especially considering it was hospital food. Jamie ate in the armchair next to Lamb at Claire’s insistence, since the two were deep in conversation, and Claire sat in the chair on the other side of Jamie, taking in her magical Christmas scene, better than any Hallmark movie could depict.

After dinner, Jamie was fading fast, listening to one of Lamb’s stories with heavy eyes. She took one of the spare blankets and covered Jamie. “Looks like you’re still not over your jet lag”

“Hrmmphh, I ‘spose not.”

“Do you want me to go get you a coffee? I doubt the cafe downstairs is open today, but there’s a cappuccino vending machine a few floors down that isn’t terrible.”

“Aye Sassenach, that’d be bonny. If it’s not too much trouble.”

“None at all, my love, I’ll be back soon.” Claire squeezed his hand before leaving the two men alone.

Jamie listened to her footsteps down the hall, and waited until he heard the ding of the elevator before he cleared his throat to speak frankly to Lamb. He sat up straight in the chair to ward off the sleepiness, having a few important things he wanted to say before Claire came back.

“Lamb, I need you to know, Claire is the most important person in my life. I love her sae much and I’d do anything for her.”

“I’m glad to hear that, I can see how happy you make her. She lights up when you’re around, it comforts my old heart to see.”

“I need you tae know, I’m very serious about her. I ken we haven’t been together that long, but I know--I know deep in my wame that I’m meant tae be hers. I want ya to know that I intend on spending the rest of my life making her happy, and while I havna bought a ring or ennathing yet, I wanted to ask yer blessing” Jamie paused for a moment before adding, “just in case.”

“Of course you have my blessing, son. I couldn’t be more glad to know that Claire will be so well cared for after I’m gone, truly.” Both men looked somber, knowing full well that this could be their last conversation, hoping dearly that it wasn’t. Claire returned with three cappuccinos in hand, surprised by the mood in the room.

“Everything alright, gentlemen? Don’t tell me Ralphie shot his eye out!”

“Och! Everything’s fine, Claire! I’m just tired is all, I’m sure this wee cappuccino will cure me in no time!” replied Jamie, eagerly taking a cup from Claire as she set another on Lamb’s tray table. The rest of the evening was quiet as Jamie took a nap, while Lamb and Claire watched A Christmas Story more intently then they had all day. Claire didn’t want to leave him alone so early on Christmas so she let Jamie nap until Lamb was asleep soundly for the night. The sense of joy she had felt all day was still present, but the nagging worry she felt about Lamb’s coming surgery was starting to settle in as well. Claire woke Jamie gently and Claire whispered softly to Lamb that they’d return in the morning, squeezing his hand before the couple quietly left the room.

----------

They walked out to Jamie’s car, since he still had his stuff packed in it, but Claire drove them back to Lamb’s apartment where she’d been staying. The cappuccino was helping Jamie stay coherent, but he was in no state to drive. They were quiet on the drive home, but kept their hands locked between the seats, grateful just to be in the presence of one another.

When they arrived at Lamb’s apartment, Jamie was so tired, he didn’t even want to brush his teeth, let alone do any of his usual nightly routines. However, he had spent the morning sweating in a polyester Santa suit over his clothes, and although he took it off shortly after his surprise arrival, he felt in need of a shower. Claire showed him where the bathroom was and made sure he had everything he needed, and got herself ready for bed.

Jamie showered quickly, not bothering to wash his hair, and only cleaning the parts of his body where any stench would be most concentrated, figuring the water would take care of the rest. A few minutes later, he emerged from the bathroom with a towel around his waist, ready to collapse into bed, but not before embracing his sorcha. He scooped her into his embrace and she buried her face in his bare, firm chest, warm from the shower. He smelled clean, and fresh and most of like Jamie. “I’m so happy you’re with me, Jamie. You have no idea how much it means to me that you’re here.” the emotions of the day hit her again and her voice caught at the end of her sentence as tears filled her eyes once again. Jamie kissed her forehead softly, down to her nose, and landed on her lips, giving her the firm, passionate kiss they’d both been longing for all day--and for months before that.

“Mo cridhe.” Jamie breathed when they separated. “I’m here. I’ll always be here for you. I’ll no’ leave you alone when ya need me.”

“Oh Jamie” Claire was still crying, “I’ve been so worried. I’ve been trying to stay strong for Lamb, but I feel like this won’t go back to normal--if there ever was a normal with him. I’m scared he’s going to get worse, or--” her sentence dissolved into a fit of sobs, which she tried to stifle on Jamie’s shoulder.

“You don’t have to stay strong when you’re with me. I’ll be here to help you shoulder the burden. I’ll be here to soak up your tears. There’s two of us now, Claire.” He pressed a kiss into her curls. “You can feel your feelings now, mo cridhe. Lay your cares on me. Come now, let’s get ya tae bed. I’m no’ sure how much longer I can stand myself.”

Claire fell asleep wrapped safely in Jamie’s embrace, free to be herself fully. Free to be vulnerable she felt safe, she felt loved, she felt comfortable, and most new to her--she felt she had the hope and strength that she could carry on, no matter what was to come. She slept better than she had in weeks, secure in the embrace of her eternal love.

End Notes: Thanks again for reading!! By the way, the Ingrid Michaelson song Jo mentions is hauntingly beautiful and you should listen to it. Also, I hope you liked Jamie's surprise. This was going to be a lot more angsty of a chapter but Jamie refused to let Claire suffer and had other plans. I know this was full of a lot of emotional ups and downs, and hopefully we can all find some comfort in the fact that just because Christmas/the holidays may look different for a lot of us this year, it can still be special, and there's still light, joy, love, hope, and peace to be found in the midst of the darkness.

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be-ready-when-i-say-go · 4 years

Text

Silver Fox

Calum’s been a dad too long, all alone. But Anahera wants her dad to take the leap. 18+ Content, (it’s a smut fic)

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Anahera was not oblivious to the way people looked at her dad. She was however worried. Women had approached him, unabashedly, in front of her, about "going for coffee" or "meeting up for dinner". He always responded the same way, if she was present, with one arm slung over her shoulders, 'It's just me and my girl right now.' It's not that Anahera disliked hanging out with her dad. But she worried. Why did he always turn down these offers? She was nearly sixteen at his point. For the last sixteen years, it had just been him and his girl. He could stand to care for himself just a little.

This Saturday starts no different than the others. Calum wakes first, an hour after dawn. He starts a load of laundry, takes the dogs out for the morning. After watching the morning news, he messes around just a little with his bass and guitars and then finally decides he should cook breakfast. It's only the smell of sausage that wakes her and she shuffles down to the kitchen. She mumbles a good morning and happily accepts the plate loaded up with waffles and sausage.

Calum watches her shuffle back to the living room and plop onto the couch. One of the dogs, it's usually Tammy, the corgi mix that, climbs into her side on the couch and they watch cartoons. Calum walks in after her, settling into the cushions as well. "I gotta go to the library," Anahera mentions around a mouthful of waffle.

It's the second time this week. He knows there some sort of project for her literature class. "Should I hang out or just drop you off?"

"Just need to grab a book."

Calum nods, rubbing the top of Jake's head. He's a gentle giant and the eldest of the dogs. Anahera picked him out of the shelter. She was three, staring up at the big Great Dane with such adoration. Calum was terrified that he and Tammy wouldn't get along or Tammy would get hurt. But he was so gentle around Anahera that during the ride home with him, Calum figured he'd be the same way around other dogs.

With plates cleared, Anahera looks over to his father. His curls are now salted with some gray but are still mostly black. His smile lines have worn ever so slightly on his face. She sees her grandmother in his face. So much of her grandmother. "So, like, is dating completely off the table for you?"

Calum shakes his head, a sigh falling from his lips. "It's not your job to worry about me."

"I'm your kid. Of course, I worry about you."

"You don't have to worry."

"That doesn't answer my question, Dad."

It's not that Calum has actively given up on dating. He just hasn't actively tried to date anyone. It's hard. It's just been him and Anahera. It's just been him taking care of his kid. Her mother left. Some bullshit reason that it wasn't the baby that drove her away, she just needed time. But it's been a little over fourteen years since she's actually seen Anahera in person. So how much time she needed, Calum's not sure. "No one wants to date someone with a kid," Cal answers.

"So you've gone on dates?"

God, he really wishes she'd drop this. Dating is meaningless. No one ever sticks around. He's getting older and he's tired. His patience hardly exists for dating. He exhales, the sigh and pursed lips tell her not to push it. But she goes for it one last time. "I just want you happy. That's all."

"And do you think me unhappy right now?"

She's an idealist. She knows it. "No, but do you want to grow old with somebody?"

Calum wants to be truthful. He can see the hope burning behind her eyes, the way she consumes the rom-coms, the novels she reads. Calum wonders for a fleeting moment if she wants this. If Anahera so deeply desires him to find love, so there's not a hole missing. He knows Mali does what she can, but she's not her mother. "Do you miss your mum?" He's not really sure how to ask. He could try 'Do you wish you had your mum?' but that feels too direct and too cold-hearted.

On the one hand, how can she miss something she's never really had. But on the other, the ache, the hole left behind reminds her she can miss something she's never had. She can long for it. "I don't know if I miss her or just want someone to fill that void."

"I'm sorry," Calum whispers, pulling her into his side. Her curls tickle his nose, but he doesn't dare move as she clutches his shirt. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart." He curses his cynical heart. No matter how many times he tells her that he loves her, it's never quite the same as having a mother.

His mother urged him to find somebody, scared that without a mother Anahera would be troubled. But she too was not blind to the pain Calum had endured, so over the years, she dropped the subject. The pair was generally happy, Anahera knew her father was always there. She knew no matter what happened, Calum would never falter.

Calum didn't want to leave Anahera without a mother, but did that mean he had subjected himself to suffering? What the hell did he do here?

___

Calum doesn't push the library or schoolwork. After breakfast, she went to her room. Her music started up and not her usually pop favorites. It's heavy guitar and scornful cries and he knew not to push it. As morning rolls into early afternoon, he decides to see if she wants lunch. The music has since quieted when he reaches her door. Two soft knocks are all he dares try.

"Yeah?" Her voice floats in from the other side of the white door. Paws clicking on the hardwood floors also sound from the other side. It must be Jake. Tammy already at his feet. He hears the creak of her bed. This reminds him to look into a new bed frame for her. He waits until the door opens.

He gives a soft smile, noting her change from pjs. She's done that much, so things are looking good. "Hungry?"

"A little." A little, code for yes, she just hasn't gotten hungry enough to the point where she storms out of room to find food.

"Your favorite?"

She grins with a nod. "I can go for a Killer stromboli right now. Can I drive?"

Calum resists the urge to roll his eyes. Her permit is almost burning a hole in her wallet. "Later. In an empty parking lot."

"Pinky swear?"

Locking his pinky around her, he nods. "Pinky swear." She slides into shoes close to her door and grabs her wallet.

The car ride is almost deafening in the silence. Anahera messes with her phone, not even attempting to overtake the radio as usual. "Sorry," she whispers. "You hurt too. After all, that's happened."

"You hurt too. And I'm sorry. I didn't mean to create a situation like this for you."

"You didn't know she'd leave."

"But I never want you to think that I am purposefully putting you here. Or that I'm ignoring your concerns. It's just...difficult."

Difficult is an understatement. Calum's terrified and angry and tired. He can trust no one. No one ever. It's not lost on Calum that he could have whatever or whomever he wanted. It's not lost on him that even if he didn't want a relationship that he could have other things, but he doesn't want to set that example for Anahera. So he chooses to not deal with that part at all.

Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe he should still give it a go. But to be so vulnerable, to bear his entire soul requires too much. It will force him to deal with things rather than just burying them. Ignoring, burial, denial—it's so much easier when he's got a kid, two dogs, and a job. There's no room for dealing with the mess of his emotions.

Finding a seat at the local Italian restaurant is not difficult, however. Tucked away in a both, Calum knows Anahera will not need anytime to debate what she wants. The hostess that seats them warns that their server will be shortly. It's a couple of minutes before their waitress arrives and when she does, Anahera gaps. "Miss Bee?"

"Hey, Anahera. How are you? How's the project coming along?" Calum looks over her face and it takes a moment for it to register. It's the librarian. The one Ana always talks to her if she's at the desk.

"Good."

"A long way from those bookshelves," Calum teases. He's talked to her a couple of times. Bee is nice. He had no clue however that she worked outside the library.

"Got a kid in college. Tuition ain't cheap," she returns. "What can I get you guys?"

Anahera lists off her order. But Calum is too caught up in her previous statement. He had no clue she had a kid. Much less one in college. There's nothing to suggest it. Not wrinkle on her brown skin or a gray hair on her head. He can't even tell she's had a kid, not physically at least under the gray t-shirt and jeans. He hadn't put her anywhere near his age. He wonders if she's older.

"Dad!" Anahera's voice cuts through his thoughts. "God, hello. Earth to Dad."'

"I'm here. I promise."

"So will you be having the same as her or something different?" Bee asks with a grin tugging at her lips.

Calum rattles off his order. It's his standard order, the chicken Parmesan. She smiles with a nod. "I'll put that right in for you." When she turns, Calum watches. Anahera's talked about going to school. It's not the money that worries Calum. It's the how does she choose, how to apply, where should she be looking that worries Calum.

"God, if you were going to check out her butt at least do it discreetly."

Calum sputters, he wasn't even thinking about that. But his gaze does drop for half a second before he finally turns back to his daughter. "I wasn't even—"

"Yeah you were," she laughs. He sees so much of himself in her. The same nose, same smile. Her hair's dark too. Just a little bit straighter than his.

"Totally was not."

Bee returns with their waters and utensils, alerting them that their orders are already put in and will be done shortly. Then she's off again, tending to other tables. Anahera snaps her fingers. "Forgot to ask her if they even have that book. But I doubt that she would know right now at least." And before Calum can respond, she's back to her phone, pulling up some new video that she wants to show him.

He sits and watches, but wonders if Bee could give him any pointers. So after a moment, he excuses himself to the restroom. He finds her leaning against the bar. Maybe now's got a good time. Maybe he should wait. She turns, smiling. "Something wrong?"

"No, no." Calum shakes his head. "I just—I had a question. Anahera's a couple of years out from university. And that world is completely lost on me. I was wondering if you had any pointers."

"Uh, that really relies on what she wants to do, ya know? But there's plenty of great schools. Besides, Anahera's a bright girl. She'll get in anywhere."

Calum can't help the smile that overtakes his face. He's proud of her. He might not have enjoyed school, but he can see her passion for it. The way she lights up when he asks about what she's learned if it's anything she enjoys. Currently, she's taken a big liking to her physics class. She enjoys Literature too, mostly reading it though, not analyzing it. "Thank you," he grins.

"Of course. You're welcome. If it helps, I'll gather up some literature on overall good schools. Hand it off to her or something."

His hands shake just a little and he's glad there's tucked into the pockets of his pants. It's the way she says or something. Calum knows that small smirk, he knows the glint in her eyes. He would be all over it in his twenties. Hell in his twenties, it would've have been this sly. "How about over coffee?" He suggests.

"Sounds good to me," she pauses, here is where she would have used his name. But she doesn't know it, she realizes.

"Calum."

She grins. "Sounds good to me, Calum. I'm Bee. Really it's Brynna. But I like Bee."

They agree on a day during the week at a local shop and Calum returns to the table. Anahera wiggles her eyebrows, a teasing laugh falling from her lips. "Still got your game?"

"Never lost it," he snorts. Lunch goes by smoothly and Anahera finds her book easily in the library. Thanks to Bee making a quick call so it's already at the desk for her.

Calum pulls into the school's parking lot. It's completely empty and hands the keys over Anahera. "Ready?"

With a dazzling grin, she takes the keys. "Born ready."

___

As Calum enters the shop, he peels the shades up, into his hair. His boots make a soft click on the floor. He searches the room, waiting to spot black hair with caramel-colored highlights. She's not sitting so he finds an open table, facing the door and settles down. Calum's really not sure what happened in that restaurant, what overtook him to suggest this.

But his nerves are at a 10. What the hell is he even doing here? But as Bee walks in, eyes flickering over the shop. He remembers. It's not that he didn't think she was attractive, but he was also preoccupied. It was always about what did he have to do next, where he needed to go if Anahera was okay.

When Bee walks up to the table, Calum stands, noting the folder in her hand. "Thank you. For doing this for me."

"Never a problem." The conversation has a natural flow. As they wait in line, Calum asks about her kid to find out they're a freshman at university. A son, Terence, plays basketball. So she works two jobs to help with the commuting she does to his games when she can. She used to work the weekday dinner shifts. But started taking on the weekend shifts here and there. The father's in the picture, only for the kid. The best-case scenario for the two of them.

Bee hums, listening as Calum skirts around the fact that Anahera's mother is not in the picture. "Don't talk too much about yourself," she notes, sipping at the green tea still steaming in her cup.

"Never know what to say. And really not used to it."

"Even with all those songs, you write?" He stutters, the cup hitting the saucer with a sharp clank. Bee laughs, tucking a curl back behind her ear. "I'm a librarian. I do my research. I will say. I took a listen to some songs. Quite enjoy Talk Fast. Granted, haven't step foot into a bar in nearly twenty-some years now."

"What are you saying then? Kind of hoping forever?"

She shakes her head. "More like I'll take what I can get from you. Besides, I ruin all my relationships. The only one I didn't fuck up was the one with my kid by a fucking miracle. I'm too old to play games."

Calum can feel his cheeks lifting as he shakes his head, starting down into the coffee cup. His fingers spin it around. He's twenty again, it feels. Except instead of it being exciting, his heart feels like it's in his stomach. He recognizes the feeling of nerves. They've never gone away even in all his years of performing on stage.

It's not like she's gonna run around and destroy his name. They're in the same boat. "How far away from here are you?" Calum asks, finally lifting his gaze. His stomach guts as he asks the question.

"Literally a seven-minute walk."

He's impressed that she knows the time. "You're a librarian," he laughs. "Didn't think that included timing things."

"It's a complex job. You've got to be a person of many talents."

"So let's test those talents. If you know it's a seven-minute walk, do you happen to know how long of a drive?"

"I'd guess a minute, minute and a half."

Calum pulls his keys from his pocket, sitting them on the counter. She's grinning behind the cup of tea. "Is that including the time it takes to finish the coffee and walk to my truck?"

"It's not. But I'm in no rush if you aren't."

He doesn't want to rush this. But he's also afraid if he draws this out too much longer, he'll find some sort of reason to chicken out. He only has a few sips left. So he polishes off his drink, putting the dishes up and by the time he turns around, hanging from the tips of her fingers are his keys, holding them out to him.

"Didn't want you to forget."

Calum plucks the folder off the table as well. "Trust me, I wasn't." As they start for the door, Bee rattles off the directions and true to her calculations it only takes a minute and a half to her place. It's a small condo. "I know. What am I do lighting a check on fire by renting? I wonder the same thing," she laughs stepping out of the trunk.

"I mean it makes sense. Just you and your son."

"And the cat, Jewels."

"And the cat, Jewels," Calum corrects, standing behind her as she unlocks the door. "More of a dog person."

"I'm aware." As the lights turn up, Calum sees the dark wood and teal decorating her living room. There are some metal pieces thrown in as well, giving way to a rustic modern look.

"Anahera talks about them a lot doesn't she?"

Bee steps into him, eyeing his chest. He suddenly worries that he hasn't made it to the gym in a couple of weeks. Everything is so much harder to maintain now. It takes twice as long to lose weight, but nearly no time to gain it. She pulls at something on his shirt, holding out an orange-colored strand of fur to Calum. "That gave it away."

He laughs, looking over the gray t-shirt and seeing Tammy's fur coating him. "My corgi mix. She wasn't happy with me as I left, so I gave her extra cuddles. Guess I didn't think to double-check for fur."

"Much better than my morning routine. Jewels sat on my face and decided 5 am was a great time to screech to the cat gods."

It's only as the silence settles that they both realize just how close they are to each other. At this distance, Calum notices the moles decorating her nose and cheeks and Bee notes a small scruff on his jaw. Her eyes have a few spots around the white. It's a crazy thing to note, but he only notes it because she hasn't quite met his gaze.

Bee sees that tattoos decorating his wrist and left arm. With a soft touch, she turns it over to read the word Alive inked across the top of his wrist. His right-hand finds her cheek, fingers brushing over the skin before his palm cups it. "It's crazy to think we're still alive," she breathes. "You'd think we'd give up by now."

"Got too much to live for, more so now than ever."

"Such a poet," she teases. He's a good head taller than her, so it takes a moment as she stretches up to brush her lips over his. His lips are bitter and hers are sweet. Calum thinks for a moment he should've grabbed a mint from his car, something because he knows the taste of coffee must be strong.

He gets caught up though on the way her fingers gently trace up his arm. As she pulls back, he pulls her in. His skin feels hot, electric as she touches him. It's been so long. Too long without a touch like this for him. He finds her waist, a little doughy beneath his grip and slides his arm around her. Bee buckles, knees, and legs quaking when he squeezes her.

"Okay?" He asks with a soft smile on his face, eyes not fully opened from their kiss.

She should be embarrassed. She should be downright mortified by her own body's reaction to just being held. But she be damned if she finds any amount of shame in it. She can't remember her own name at the moment, but all she wants is to mark his skin. Rather than answers verbally, she winds her arms around his neck and kisses down his jaw, and then up and over the small moles decorating his cheek.

As she kisses down he throat, taking just a small lick at his Adam's apple, she feels the deep shake as Calum groans. It's deep from his throat. She wants to hear it again and bites down just a little, nothing crazy, just a tiny nibble at his skin and he groans again. "You like to tease I see," Calum huffs, breath coming out in tufts.

Holding her thumb and forefinger a few centimeters apart, she laughs. "Just a little bit." She takes a step backward and Calum follows closely behind.

Shoes are toed off. His shirt is shed first. She rakes his fingers down his chest, carefully tracing the tattoos on his chest. There's a tiny footprint that decorating the ends of a feather, or maybe some sort of plant. She's not sure. But she has a guess who's footprint it is. Close to his heart too.

Her kisses are light on his chest and Calum drops his head, holding himself above her. Bee knows he holds a lot inside him. A lot of love, but also a timid-ness and pain. She doesn't fault him.

Calum finally gets her shirt off, eyes dancing over the chest tattoo, reds, yellows, and purples dazzling against her skin. It's a bouquet of flowers, right in the center of her chest, some of the foliage spilling over to the swell of her breasts. He kisses over the ink, gently running his fingers over her stomach to the back of her bra. With his teeth, he pulls the straps down one at a time while his finger unlatches the clamps. "Never said you had ink too."

"Now tell me would it have made a difference?"

"Not in the slightest."

As the bra is discarded, he brings a nipple into his mouth, drinking in the sounds of her pleasure-filled whines. She hums before bringing his head up and kissing him again. They climb up higher onto the mattress. They wiggle themselves out of their jeans. Calum notices the stretch marks. More ink decorates her hip, he can see the black line work and two little footprints rest on top of right one.

"Guess I'm not the only one," Calum teases, tapping the tatted foot.

"No, it would appear not."

Bee watches him climb over her, the silver chains that tap his chest, the small streaks of gray decorating his black hair. His fingers dance over her hips before they brush over a thin tough line hidden by the band of her panties. Calum doesn't waste a moment to kiss down her stomach, over the tiny pouch left behind. As the thin cloth material is peeled away from her body, Bee wonders a moment if this is the end of the line, if the scar is too much.

Her stomach twists into knots, waiting for the pullback, the rushed and excused exit. Instead, Calum kisses over the scar and continues on fingers brushing over her core. But just a brush. "Who likes to tease now?" Bee huffs, holding herself up on her elbows.

"Still you," he laughs, squeezing at her thighs and trailing a finger up from the entrance to clit. Her head falls back and he takes his time, slipping two fingers into her heat. He kisses over her. Her fingers tangle into his hair, trying to urge him just an inch down on her.

He knows what she wants, but he takes her wrist, threading his fingers through hers and kisses down her inner thighs, slowly working her with those two fingers. She squeezes at his hand, that warmth in the pit of her stomach growing warmer. She mashes her lips together, whines falling over her throat anyway.

Finally, he brings his mouth to her core, sucking at her clit. "Fuck," she cries out. Her breathing is ragged. Calum wraps his arms around her legs, holding her still as she begins to squirm. There's a spark of pride to know he's still got it. That he hasn't lost his touch just yet.

He continues to work over her, sucking, licking, fingers a constant pull at her. She unravels rather quickly, thighs shaking just a little. But the cry of his name over her lips is more than just fuel to the fire. Calum kisses over her inner thighs, a groan falling over his lips. "God, my name sounds good from your lips."

Sitting up, Bee slides out from beneath him. Her chest falls rapidly. Her brain still feels foggy in the post-orgasm haze. But something about this—something about Calum, keeps her going. She pats the bed and Calum lays back, falling into space she once occupied. She slides a hand over his cock through the boxer briefs. "You know what will sound even better?" She quips.

"Tell me."

"My name from your lips." The end of the sentence is punctuated by her pulling down his own underwear. She wraps one hand around the base, licking a strip up to the head and sucking on it lightly.

Calum's whole body tenses, there's no hesitation on her part. Either. "Bee," he hums, reaching for her head. She moans, the vibrations shooting a tingle up his spine. She definitely knows what she's doing, working for another sound, working for another groan, another hum of her name.

She takes him as far as she can into her throat and holds it there, slowly twisting her hand that's wrapped around the rest. As she pulls back away from him there's a line of saliva from her mouth to his cock and the sight lights his gut on fire.

"Come here." His voice is low, demanding. All but a growl and Bee doesn't dare disobey. She keeps one hand on him, pumping as she stretches upwards and he cups her face. They share a searing kiss, exhales tickling over their faces, moans being swallowed.

The apartment was cool, a nice airy feel to it, but now the bedroom is thick with heat and sweat. Bee's a little shocked. She didn't think it would turn out like this. Didn't think she would be so hungry to please somebody. But even as they kiss, she wants him to be weak with pleasure. She wants him to cave to every carnal desire that plagues him.

Calum pulls her hand off him, kissing down her neck. "Thought you were too old to play games," he breathes into her ear.

"How dare?" The words fall with a tuft of laughter, but she pulls away, reaching into her bedside table. She finds a foil packet and opens it. "May I?"

"Be my guest."

Her touch is light as she rolls the latex down his length. Calum notes the snake tattoo on her left hip. The way her skin still glows and still has a rich warmth to the dark brown. The way her cheeks are still full, but the cheekbone and brow bone are strong. A small groan leaves him as she settles on his length.

They rest chest to chest as Bee rocks her hips. He kisses at her shoulder, arms wrapping around her waist. Soft sighs escape them. The room is nothing but an echo of their bodies. Her pace isn't slow, but methodical. She knows there's no rush. Calum leaves a reddening spot on her neck. He would apologize, but she works one onto his chest as well. So now they are even.

Bee feels that sting in her right hip, the pain of a tightening muscle and stills. A hiss leaving her lips. "Sorry. Just an old injury."

"No, no, don't apologize." An awkward shuffle ensues, Bee having to climb off and Calum kneeling next to her. He helps stretch out the muscle. "Our bodies aren't what they used to be. I get it," he utters in a soft tone.

"Let me guess. Football. And I'm not talking American either."

Calum nods. "Your guess would be correct."

"It's the slight accent you still have."

"Tell me more. Something else gave it away."

"Your physique. And it might've come up during my google search, but that's neither here nor there."

Calum releases a small laugh, palm still rubbing deep at her muscle. "So you're no psychic, just a good reader, huh?"

"What can I say? It's my job."

"You're very good at it from what I can see." Bee grabs his hands, mentioning for him to come down. He does so and she cups his face, kissing his soft lips. The kisses grow deeper, more desperate. Calum settles between her legs, thumbs caressing her right hip. "You okay now?"

She nods, lips brushing over his. "Yeah, I'm good." His necklaces are no longer cold, but as they brush over the valley between her breast, a shiver runs down her spine.

Calum is careful as he re-enters her, taking it slow. She holds onto his biceps and smiles, though a moan falls over her lips. Calum buries his face into her neck, hips a ready pace. "Feel like heaven," he whispers into the hickeys he's put there.

Bee can't help the giggle. "Never heard that one before." Calum huffs at her comment, the start of his own orgasm building. Grabbing the back of her thighs, he pushes her hips up just a little.

Her mouth falls open, a groan falling over her lips. "Shit, Calum."

"That's more like it." He leans back, thumb rubbing over her clit. One hand reaches out for him, holding onto his wrist, the other falls to the sheet, grabbing a tight fistful. Her second orgasm hits fast and she cries out, no real words in particular, just a deep guttural sound ripping over her throat. "Oh, what a beautiful sound," he encourages, still slowly circling her clit.

Her whole body shutters and Calum knows he's done for. He spills over into the condom. But bends over to kiss over the column of her throat. The haze is heavier this time. It takes longer to reconnect to her head but she manages to direct Calum to the bathroom before rolling over to her side.

Finished with his business, Calum opens the door and right on the other side is a black cat. Bright green eyes staring up at him. "Nice to meet you Jewels," he greets. She meows and then continues on to the bedroom. It sounds a little aggressive, but he takes it in stride.

She enters the room first and Calum finds his boxers, watching the cat jump onto the bed and then climbing onto Bee's shoulder. "Yes, Jewels?" Another meow. "Uh-huh. But you weren't rude were you? Did you at least say hi." Another meow. "Good," she coos, holding out her arms. The cat leaps back down to the bed.

Bee gapes. "I don't get a hug, nothing." She sighs as Jewels saunters out of the room. "I feed you, you know. Me."

Calum laughs as she walks to the bathroom next. "This is why I'm more a dog person."

Spinning around, she levels a finger at him. "She does love me. She's just acting out because there is a strange man in the house."

"Should've greeted her at the door, huh? How rude of me."

"Nah, she's a little skittish and probably hid. Which is why she hasn't made herself known until now." Once Bee exits, Jewels comes back standing at the door. Calum only notices after pulling the t-shirt back over his body. Nothing is said. But he does squat down, holding a hand. He wonders if she'll come closer.

She looks at his hand then back to his face before sticking her paw out. He chuckles and Bee walks up behind her. "Oh, she's sassing you. Gotta watch out."

"This is her house. So it's okay."

Bee picks her up and walks into the room kissing her head. "We talked about this. No sassing guests, Jewels. Do you need anything? Water?"

Calum stands, with a shake of his head. "Thank you though." Bee nods. He finishes getting dressed. It's not awkward when he heads out. Though something is different. She does hand him her number.

"Call me. Doesn't have to be for sex. Just whatever."

He smiles softly at her leaning forward and kissing her cheek. As he walks back to his call, stares down at the numbers. Just whatever, he thinks. Could be about anything. Inside the truck, he programs her number into his phone and sends a quick text with his name.

___

When Anahera climbs into the truck after school, she immediately launches herself into a spill about a fight that happened at school. It didn't get worse, but it did disturb the lunch schedule. Which wasn't fun and made her ten minutes late to a class. Calum listens, nodding along, paying attention to traffic. "Do you know why the fight started?" He asks.

"No, I heard it was over some girl. But then someone else said it might've been a drug thing. I'm not really sure."

"Drugs?"

"It was two seniors fighting. I figured one of them might've owed the other."

He's not too pleased to know that if it were a drug issue that she's so close to it. But Calum also knows that the in life she'll be exposed to things like that. That he can't protect her from everything. "Is there anything—," Calum starts.

Anahera rolls her eyes. "I can't. No Dad. I don't do drugs. I hate the smell of weed anyway."

He nods, it's not a pleasant smell. "I'm not asking to punish you. Just curious. Because if you did, I'd rather you be smart about where you're getting it from."

She laughs. "Making sure I do it legally."

"Well, yeah. Or at least with people you're safe around."

"I appreciate that. But sometimes I wonder why you don't freak out."

"If I panicked over everything, you'd never tell me anything. You're okay to tell me things. You should feel safe around me."

"I do. What I don't feel safe around is this Lit essay."

Calum laughs. "You've got it, sweetheart. You're smart."

"Can you read over it? I just feel like I have a bunch of word vomit on the page and it's not making any sense."

"Sure thing." As they pull into the driveway, Calum takes her backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. Anahera grabs her jacket and closes the door behind her. She watches a mark, dark on the small sliver of skin that's exposed due to the pull of her bag, but thinks nothing of it.

Calum looks over what he has in the fridge, trying to put together what to make for dinner while she prints off her essay. He knows he wasn't a good student, but he does what he can to help her out. Luke usually gets the math-related questions though those are rare. He takes the Lit stuff.

Calum lets the dogs out and Anahera comes back with her essay. It's only three pages right now and she brought the prompt along with her. He stands in the backyard, reading and pacing. Anahera watches him from the steps of the deck. She looks at that dark spot again and it's clear it's something new. Her eyes widen and she jumps up. "Is that a hickey?"

Calum looks down his heart racing. "What? No!"

Hooking her finger into the seam of the neck, she pulls it back. "That's totally a hickey and you have multiple!"

"How do you even know what a hickey is?" He counters. He feels like a teenager again, caught by their parent. This time he is the parent. "What a second? I'm the parent! Why does it matter?"

"Since when did you get a girlfriend?"

"She's—she's just a friend!"

"That's one heck of a friend, then." Truth be told, she's a little giddy. Maybe her dad's finally getting back out there into the dating world. It's one hell of a way to jump back into the pool. But who is she to judge that. "Do I know them?"

Calum turns back to the essay. He's trying not to give it away. He knows she'll figure it out. "Wait!" She exclaims. "It's not Miss Bee is it?" Calum can feel his cheeks growing hot. He stares harder at the paper in his hand. "Oh my god! Dad! I like Miss Bee! No!"

"She just helped me with some university stuff for you in the future."

"Dad, I'm not even done with my sophomore year. I still have like a year and a half left."

"I just wanted to be prepared, that's all. I didn't even graduate secondary. I have no clue what to do or where to be looking for you. I just asked her for some help."

"Oh and you got help alright, too," she mutters. When he lands a stern eyebrow raised at her she apologizes.

"Apology accepted. But no, she agreed to put together some information for me and we talked over coffee."

Anahera sees the small grin that overtakes his face. She holds her hands up in surrender. "If things go poorly, I just don't want her to hate me for it. I still need to get into university, Dad. Miss Bee is literally the only librarian that goes like out of her way to help us at the public library. She knows that place like the back of her hand and she has connections. I need her. Don't blow this, Dad."

"Oh, c'mon. Have a little faith in me."

"She's not even your girlfriend. You called her a friend. You're rusty!"

An incredulous tuft of laughter falls from him. "What do you know about being rusty? You haven't dated anyone that I'm aware of."

"Did you get her number? Please tell me you got at least that."

"As a matter of fact, she gave it to me."

"Did you text her? How long has it been?"

Okay, now he can admit he is rusty about that. After he left Bee's he went into the studio until it was time to Anahera from school. "Phone's inside," he says quietly. Ana screeches and runs inside. She finds his phone right where it usually is, right under the key rack. She looks over the notifications and sees Bee. The last message was at 10:42 AM. Oh my god, she chants to herself. They had to have met soon after she got on the bus.

She knows his passcode; he gave it in case of emergencies. He has her passcode too. Calum never goes through her phone. Doesn't even think to touch it in all honestly unless she's left it behind and only then does he grab it to pass it along. "Dad! It's nearly 4. Please text her back."

"What did she say?"

"I'm not reading your messages. What if I read something too impure for my virgin eyes? You'll have scarred your precious daughter for life."

Calum sighs, handing her the essay and taking his phone. He reads over the text message. "She just said she hoped my day goes well."

"Dude! You still have to reply. Say thanks at least."

"I know that."

"I'll leave you to that." Stepping inside, Jake right at her side. She watches through the back door as he types away at his screen.

"I can see you watching me," he calls through the glass. It's muffled, but still clear enough to make it out. Anahera bolts from the door to be room, laughing as she goes.

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dailyaudiobible · 3 years

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09/24/2021 DAB Transcript

Isaiah 43:14-45:10, Ephesians 3:1-21, Psalm 68:1-18, Proverbs 24:1-2

Today is the 24th day of September, welcome to the Daily Audio Bible. I am Brian, it is great to be here with you today as we continue our journey around the sun and through the Bible and we have worked our way all the way, well, we’re kind of in the last quarter I guess, of the book of Isaiah and we’re also working our way through the letter to the Ephesians. So, let's dive in today Isaiah chapter 43 verse 14 through 45 verse 10.

Commentary:

Okay, so I have mentioned that Ephesians, at least as I read it, it's like an ever upward climb to these higher vistas to see further, to see further horizons, to see more and understand more. And it’s not like Paul’s saying in this letter like, things it he hasn't said in other ways, but he's in prison and he is writing this passionately. This vision of what's really going on here, and if we just meditate on it. If we just take it in slowly. It is so huge. So, Paul is talking about revelations that he has received, mysteries that he is received, that have previously been unrevealed and I quote “this mystery is that in Christ Jesus, the Gentiles are fellow heirs, members of the same body, and people who also share in the promise through the gospel.” Well so, previously the understanding that Paul had as a Pharisee is that the Jews are the exclusive people and that's what they think but this revelation, this mystery that has been revealed to Paul that he is preaching, well that touches all of us because most of us are Gentiles. And so, for Paul to say that the mystery that’s been revealed is that through Christ, Gentiles and Jews are fellow heirs, members of the same body, people who share in the same promise through the gospel. What Paul is saying is that this is available to everybody in the world which is huge and for me, a Gentile a overwhelming flow of gratitude. Paul goes on, as if to answer a question like, why would God do that, why, why would He welcome everybody in the world, and I quote Paul again “He did this so that through the church, the multifaceted wisdom of God might now be made known to the rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. This was done according to the eternal purpose that He accomplished in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Okay, that's pretty cosmic in its implications. This is saying God, in his goodness and offering you eternal life, opening a way, welcoming you home. This makes His wisdom known and we are like a living witness, a living display to the unseen realms, that is huge to contemplate. That is a massive vista to just understand that we are all part of something way bigger than…than we ever pay attention to. Paul says because of all of that, because of this gift and because of what it's doing, in Jesus, we can freely approach God with confidence, through faith in Him. We could say yes, this is a theological formula I’ve known for a very long time but think about that. We can freely approach God, the most high God, with confidence through faith in Him. Let's try to live into this today. Let's try to contemplate, consider, meditate upon, allow it to sink in. Even Paul seems blown away. Even as he is writing it down and he gives kind of a benediction here at the end of our reading and so, let's just let this benediction wash over us as we bask in the goodness of God.

Prayer:

For this reason, I kneel before the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, from whom the entire family in heaven and on earth receives its name. I pray that, according to the riches of His glory, He would strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner self, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. Then, being rooted and grounded in love, I pray that you would be able to comprehend, along with all the saints, how wide and long and high and deep His love is, and that you would be able to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, so that you may be filled to all the fullness of God. Now to Him, who is able, according to the power that is at work within us, to do infinitely more than we can ask or imagine, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.

Announcements:

dailyaudiobible.com is home base. That is the website, and it is how you get connected and find out what's going on around here. So certainly, check it out. If you’re using the app you can access these things by pushing the drawer icon in the upper left-hand corner of the app screen in there or on the web, you’ll find the Community section. In the Community section you’ll find different links to the social media channels that the Daily Audio Bible participates in. You will also find the Prayer Wall which is always on and never off and always available. You can always request prayer on the Prayer Wall. You can also, you know, kind of glance through and see where the Spirit may be leading you to pray and pray for your brothers and sisters who are also going through things and give them a word of encouragement. It means so much to know you’re not carrying it alone; it means so much to know that somebody is praying for you and it's a beautiful thing. It's truly a beautiful thing to know that somebody that you may never actually get to meet in person is praying for you by name because we’re the family of God. So, if you haven't ever visited the Prayer Wall, please be aware it's in the Community section either on the app or at the website, so check it out.

If you want to partner with the Daily Audio Bible, thank you humbly, humbly for your partnership. There is a link on the homepage at dailyaudiobible.com. If you are using the Daily Audio Bible app you can press the Give button in the upper right-hand corner or the mailing address is P.O. Box 1996 Springhill, Tennessee 37174.

And as always, if you have a prayer request or encouragement, you can hit the Hotline button in the app, that's the little red button up at the top break or you can dial 877-942-4253.

And that's it for today. I’m Brian, I love you and I'll be waiting for you here tomorrow.

Prayer and Encouragements:

Hi, Daily Audio Bible, my name is New Eyes and I’m from Chattanooga, Tennessee and I’m calling in for the first time because I was really moved by some prayer requests the other day and I wanted to lift some folks up here in our community. First of all, I would like to thank the Lord for Trent and his encouragement to all of us to be thankful for what we have, I know I definitely need that and I want to lift up Vicki from Southern California and Tammy, who is in remission from ovarian cancer. I really want to lift you ladies up to the Lord, for how much you are just laying at the foot of the cross and trusting God to give you peace in such a hard time. And, I also want to pray for Giovanni whose whole family is sick with the coronavirus. Lord, just bring Your healing, bring Your Holy Spirit and touch Giovanni and his family in this long, frustrating battle with this virus and I just ask that You would bless him. And family, it's my first time calling in and I could really use some prayers this week as I'm sending my 18-year-old son to a youth with a mission discipleship training school in Hawaii and he’s gonna be gone for six months and it's his first time away from home and I'm so excited for him but it's also really hard for this mama. So, if you could lift him up just send him blessings and prayers for an amazing time. I really love this community. You guys are an incredible blessing. Thank you for praying. Keep it up.

Hello Daily Audio family. My name is Sharon I'm calling to ask for prayer for my daughter, Sharon. She's been told she needs open-heart surgery, she's really, we’re really afraid. Each time we speak to a doctor we’re afraid and she starts crying and I start crying. I'm asking that you pray that, pray, send prayers for us that we can get through this situation and come out whole on the other side. I pray with her and I know that God can do all things and I prayed that He will give us the strength, first and foremost, that she doesn't need the surgery and that we will get a second opinion. We just need prayer right now family. Thank you.

Hello my DAB family this is Minnesota Aruka Regina. I haven't talked to you in a while, just want to tell you how much I love you and care about each and every one of you. On September 21st Danielle, I thank you so much for giving us an update on that 19-year-old girl Lord, it just really made me kind of cry and I want to lift her up in prayer. Loving Father, I just am so grateful for You being there for this young 19-year-old gal who was adopted…abducted and violated Father. Thank You for seeing her and for being faithful to find Your precious lost sheep. Lord, I just pray right now that You please speak love into her traumatic soul where she's been hurt and crushed and bruised Lord. I pray that You just reach her heart, let her know that You cried with her in those days that she was gone and it hurts Your spirit. But You were already making a plan for her and You are now helping her. Lord, I pray that You heal her. Let her know that You love her and You care about her and You are a God that can restore Lord. Bring someone into her life that can…can help her to be able to process everything and to break all of the bonds of this troubled man. May she not feel guilty and shameful for what is happening. It's not her fault. Help her to forgive. Help her to learn to love and to be loved again. We give You all the glory and honor in the name of the Father and the Son. Amen.

Hey DAB fam this is Laura in Eugene. I just want to call and lift up Val in Vegas in prayer. Heavenly Father, Lord, I just lift Val up to You, I pray for strength and courage as she recovers from her recent surgery. Lord, I pray for her medical team as decisions for what happens next are coming and I pray that You would help Val to rest in Your peace and Your comfort and Your care, that she could just feel that peace that passes all comprehension Lord. I pray that You would continue to be with her and guide her through this hard time but I’m just so grateful that she’s moving forward and getting the care that she needs Lord. Father, just keep watch over her. Thank You. In Jesus name I pray. Amen.

Hi my name is Maggie Mae and I’m calling in certain dyer straights. My whole family, I just found out my whole family is sick. My three grandchildren, my son. My grandson has got a fever of 105, they don’t know what is wrong with him. He’s only two years old. My older grandson who’s 17 he’s sick with RSV, they said that they don’t know, I don’t even know what that is. My granddaughter is so sick, the only one that’s not sick is the mother. I am beside myself with my grandson who is so, so sick. He’s so sick he’s burning. I pray the blood of Jesus over Armanie over Arianna over Marc Anthony. He just lost his father. I pray for my son Marc Anthony. They’re not saved. Please, God don’t take my family. Please, God don’t take my family. Please, oh please, don’t take my family. Please. Thank you, I’m sorry for the emotions but I feel so hopeless. I feel so hopeless. Please pray for them. Please take care of Dominic, Arrianna and Marc Anthony. Please, thank you.

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jodilin65 · 31 years

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SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 1993 I came up with a bright idea on how to get Ellie’s number. That is, only if she doesn’t have the Caller ID block on her line. I’ll leave her a note saying I just discovered I have two bowls and a glass of hers. Also, Fay came by and gave me a few things to give to her. Please do not knock on my door, call me and I’ll leave the stuff by her door. When I go to post this note on her door, I’ll make sure I get her apartment number so I can write her a beautiful letter after I’ve moved.

I saw Ellie today as I was on my way to mail a letter. She looked horrible and at first, I didn’t recognize her. She looked like maybe she gained a bit of weight. Her face looked all puffy, haggard and depressed. She was getting into a car with a younger girl, maybe her daughter. Her hair looked pretty pitiful too.

Andy’s gonna let me sleep at his place this weekend as the bitch next door’s noisy as it is and now a guy’s moving in down below me. I knew my luck would eventually run out. I can stay at Andy’s whenever I need to till I move and maybe Scott’s too.

I informed Judy today that there’s an 85% chance that a guy’s gonna take over my lease. Scott’s roommate.

Oh, yeah! That’s right. I have yet to mention all about my new apartment. Well, I’ll do that later as it’s definitely one of the subjects that are gonna take some time to cover.

Guess who began working where I work last Wednesday? Kara’s sister Stacey. It’s a surprise, but then again it’s not. She does seem like the type who’d do this job. She told me not to tell Kara. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to tell Kara cuz I don’t like to go behind people’s back and end up going back on my word. I know exactly how that feels. Then again, Kara would be the last one to freak out about it and she was gonna work there herself if she had been hired. Plus, Kara could keep a secret.

I’ve decorated tons of envelopes and they sure look cool. I sent Tammy a pamphlet on my new apartment. When I move I’ll get one to send to my parents, too.

Scott says there’s a big black friendly cat there and he’s keeping it. I said, “It’s mine! I want it.” No problem, he said, and he’s gonna get it neutered and declawed. This is great as I thought to myself how great it’d be if I found the “right stray” after moving. What I mean by that is a cat like Shadow or Moon Shadow. Not like those two, Dennis took me to get through the paper and Dennis’s brother’s friend’s cat that screamed non-stop.

Last week I did something I’ve wanted to do for a long long time. I’m gonna do this at least once a month. Barbara still keeps her ringer off during the night when they’re asleep. I called on a weekday at 6:15 AM and her son Tony answered. I had the flu at this time and it was even easier to disguise my voice. I said my name was Kathy and that I was very sick and needed to speak to Barbara. Tony said she wasn’t up yet which I was very glad to hear. I told him to get her on the phone anyway as it was very urgent. He did. She said hello in a very sleepy voice. I spit really loud and hung up.

Little does she know that I’m still (unfortunately) being woken up here and there even though it’s nowhere near as bad as there. At first, I was afraid to do this, thinking God would surely get me for it somehow. Then I said, now wait a minute! I still get woken up here half the time and I’ve been behaving and being a complete sweetheart. I really hope it’s over when I move and that for the first time in nearly 3 years, I’ll be able to sleep when I want to with no music. Music is for listening to, not for sleeping. At least that’s how I feel. I want to return to those days of being able to sleep in total silence.

About two weeks ago I called the office and really let Stacey have it, but I think she got a big kick out of it. So many people love it when I go off cuz of the choice of words I use and how I say them. People get a real kick out of me when I first wake up. At fucking 9:00 in the goddamn morning, they had the parking lot sweepers here. I ripped shitting pissed. I called the office and asked what the hell was going on. I thought they were mowing again and she told me what it was and that she had to have them there once a month. I said something like, “I gotta get out of this complex. I’m outa here! OK, bye!” and she said, “Bbyyyyeeee.” I’m sure she got a real kick out of that. I could swear she was trying really damn hard not to burst out laughing. I’m sure all 3 of them and maybe even the maintenance guys were cracking up about it and that they wish they had it on tape.

About two weeks into my job, a girl named Shelby quit who was very nice. I’d given her the apartment office number here in case she wanted to check it out. I did tell her, though, that the walls are too thin and that there are plenty of screaming kids after school and on weekends cuz you know damn well they’re not gonna tell her that at the office. No thanks, she said. She also said she was not sure if she was gonna return to Reno or stay here. I gave her my number, then forgot all about her till she called and left a message. She’s managing a place where they do topless, nude and private dancing with top-notch security. She really wants me to work for her. I’ve got her on hold.

When I move I’ll be 20 minutes away from work. Steve says he’ll still drive me home and flat rate me $5. That’s nice, but I’d really like to find a place closer to where I’ll be living and also where I may make more money.

Last night Andy and I went to the Valley West Mall and I got my picture taken. Next Friday I have to go over my proofs.

While I was there I got some killer clothes. A short pair of orange shorts with orange fringes off the bottom around the thighs. It also has a black ring buckle-like thing at the front of the waist with diamonds around it. At first, I thought my thighs would be too big for them, but it’s actually very slimming on me. I also got a gorgeous red shirt. It’s got open shoulders, so to speak, with colored glass stones around the chest area. I got one other shirt. It’s a black silk-like half-shirt with ruffles and white daisy flowers across the chest. The two shirts and the shorts cost $28. I also got a pair of very comfortable black pumps for $10. They’re 3” high. Lastly, I got 4 very nice journals, so now I have a grand total of 44. They cost me $30.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 1993 I have a million things to write about, so I’ll get started. Kara’s leaving tomorrow with a friend to Vegas for two weeks. She said she’d write. Tomorrow I have to call channel 10 to try to get a tape for Andy. I also must call Laurie to bring me to work and Steve to let him know I’ll need to be picked up.

It’s gonna be really hard to get up tomorrow since I slept till 7:00 this evening.

Andy’s party went over well and tomorrow is his day off. I really hope he doesn’t wake me up. He picked up another CD by Linda for me. Canciones di mi Padre. I also got a CD I ordered by mail called Instrumental Magic.

Earlier Fran tried to call me while my ringer was off, but I guess he spoke to Andy. Andy left him and Fran talking on my machine and I guess Fran mentioned Tracy staying at LaRagione’s. I was there as a foster kid of Harry and Ann B when I was 16.

I’ve called Nervous a few times and I called Kim once. Bob, of course, still has no phone. I just sent him and everyone else I know a letter.

I’ve told Tammy and my mom about the latest news with Capitol Records. I’ve also sent Mom and Dad a tape. I edited their message when they got sick.

Scott took me to the ER last week and I have forms to give them at work. I never made it to the doctor’s today, but at least I got my refills and am over the flu. It sure does feel good to be back from the deathbed. That was my first flu in a year. The last flu was when I was in CT.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 1993 I fell asleep yesterday morning at 8:00 and got up at 12:30. My flu was worse today, but now it’s better, thank God.

Today, or yesterday I should say, was Andy’s 31st birthday. He got cards from family and friends as well as phone calls. At work, a girl made him a cake. He gave me some and it was good.

He had to go to a friend’s house and he stopped at the store for me which was nice. He got me something called Drixoral and it’s helped a lot. He also got fruit juice and popcorn for me. I had a raging fever and was very congested in the chest. My back was so sore, achy and tight, but the Drixoral helped.

Even at 27, I still feel the need to call Mommy when I get sick. When we kids were sick, as well as with our material needs, Mom was great. She’s still sick too, and has been for two weeks.

Andy thanked her for sending me to Phoenix.

We also called Tammy.

I called the phone company today and they had just gotten my $50 deposit for Sprint. Today I should have long-distance, but I do have my caller ID. Andy and Laurie are getting blocks, so I won’t know when they’re calling.

I called the doctor’s office and the soonest they can get me in is next Monday at 4:15. I called Omar’s and told this to the woman who answered.

Tomorrow night Andy’s having 10 people over for his birthday party. I’m not looking forward to that with the way I’m feeling, but anything’s better than his sister and nephew.

I fell asleep last night from 10:30 - 1:00 AM and I hope to fall asleep soon.

The drugstore will be delivering prescriptions tomorrow. The nurse at the doctor’s office said she called in something.

Tonight I’m supposed to get together with Scott, but we’ll see how I feel. Maybe I’ll have him stop up here.

Two nights ago Andy and I called Nerv. I spoke for the first 10 minutes, but he was boring. Then when Andy started talking he became totally silent but never hung up till we ditched him 15 minutes later.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 1993 Around 6 AM yesterday morning I began to have a slight sore throat. Miraculously, I slept solidly from 8 AM-4 PM. When I awoke I knew I had a cold. I called the bar and was given Omar’s number (the owner). Some woman answered saying I may have to show a doctor’s note or be fired unless there are enough girls. I do need to get in to see my doctor anyway, but I don’t know how soon I can. Paying a fine is out of the question and they have way way way too many girls on. Why is cuz 16 out of Omar’s 17 bars were shut down. It was a 1-year court order for tax evasion. He could’ve afforded it, he just didn’t pay it and I heard he practically pulled the $150,000 he owed right out of his pocket. The guy’s filthy rich and lives in Paradise Valley in a 4,000-square-foot house, so he doesn’t need my fine. What it is is that people are greedy even when they already have millions. The dancers make enough money to be fined, whereas the bouncers and everyone else don’t. Yeah, I’ve heard strange stories about Omar, but hey, he’s a fucking Arab so I’m not surprised.

I just pray to God that whatever I have doesn’t get any worse. I need to work next Wednesday. Why couldn’t this have happened before I got this job? Mom, Dad, Tammy, Andy have all gone through this and I guess it’s my turn. First time in a year, though, luckily.

Earlier this evening, it was Kara to the rescue. She came over and whacked my back to help bring the goop up. She and I made popcorn and listened to about 15 minutes of tapes of Nervous, Fran, Andy and me. I knew I had to lay low to try to beat this cold, but you know I can’t sit still. I’ve never had a cold, yet been so good mentally if you know what I mean. All my other colds and flues, I was stuck in Norwich, Crackfield or Deadfield. Isolated or surrounded by dope heads, fires, and people slamming the walls. Or in Valleyhead, Brattleboro, or home. I even forced myself to sing as a last resort to this having to worsen. Music’s my medicine.

Andy came over and I gave him some money I owed him for long-distance calls on his phone. I also showed him some awesome envelopes I decorated.

He picked me up (with my money) a CD of Linda’s called Prisoner in Disguise. There are lots of old songs I love to sing on there.

His friend Adam from Springfield sent two out of the 3 Amy Fisher movies. I’d seen two of them, but Andy saw only one. It’s all about this 17-year-old girl obsessed with a married man that shoots his wife, who survives. It’s a true story.

It sure was funny seeing all the old familiar news people during news updates. The emergency weather bulletin was saying how roads were sheets of ice, it was freezing cold rain, the snow turned to ice and there were multi-car pile-ups. I saw all the footage during the weather updates and laughed.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 1993 I cut $134 tonight! This sure makes up for the 3 days I worked before this. It was dead. I only made between $50 and $80.

Monday I should have my long-distance service and my Caller ID. They delivered the Caller ID box a few days ago. I programmed my phone with new phone numbers. I also took out old numbers. Such as Dennis’s and Randy’s. Randy apparently moved. These are the people’s numbers I’ll have: Andy, Laurie, John, my number (for when I page people) Fran, Nervous, Tammy, Mom and Dad, voice messaging, my code, Scott, Dr. Kareus, the apartment office, Kara, Mary, bank, Stephanie, my account number, my social security number, Velma and work.

Tim said Angie and Vicki decided not to call me back cuz I am only looking for one-nighters. This is so weird. I can understand the fear of AIDS, but very few people want or can deal with a relationship any more than I can. Everyone’s into sex and fun. Also, so many others, like me, can’t deal with the shit involved in relationships and they don’t want to be tied down. Do I lie and tell people I want a relationship? Then dump them even if it hurts them cuz that’s life? You win some, you lose some. Then again, I know I’m not destined for even a one-nighter for years.

Later…

So much for trying to go to sleep. I really wish I could, though, cuz of the bitch next door. On the weekend (especially Sundays) it sounds like the bitch is shooting basketballs off the walls. I’ll also have to deal with her on Monday cuz it’s President’s Day. Well, like I said, if I can’t sleep on Sundays, she can’t sleep at 2 AM on Mondays.

Last summer while I was still in the first-floor apartment next to Mark, Andy got a note on his door. It definitely looked like a female wrote it, but it said it was a gay, free male who’d seen Andy a lot at the pool. They wanted to meet him and said to leave a reply taped to the fire extinguisher. Back then he suspected Mark and his girlfriend Michelle. I’m sure they’re no longer together as most couples aren’t that long. Especially people like him and her. Anyway, I took an envelope and wrote his name and address as the return address. I made up a bogus name and address to be sent to, and of course, it’ll be sent back to him marked return-to-sender. With the note enclosed, of course. I also signed her name at the bottom of the note.

Now here’s the Celeste story. And like most stories, it never amounts to anything. I’m glad, though, for two reasons. I’ll explain why through the story. Last Thursday night at work I gave this guy named Joe a table dance. After that, he asked me about a threesome with him and his wife. I explained I was gay and liked feminine women with no male involved, but he could easily find a bi woman through The New Times. So, he said he could keep out of it and let me and his feminine wife alone together. He said they have an open marriage, but she’d never go for a relationship. I said I couldn’t either. They were looking for an apartment, but currently, they’re in a motel. He gave me their number.

I called after work and she promised to keep him out of the picture. She also confessed to doing Crystal. Do I look like a druggie? Or an alkie? What do these people see in me? Why do I attract them? So, they say I shouldn’t blame myself, but I feel I could be in a room with 99 sober people and one druggie. That’s the one I’d get. No matter how I looked. No matter what I said. No matter how I acted. No matter what mood I was in. The drugs are one reason I won’t get involved with her. The other is that there’s always a fucking male in the middle of these kinds of things. When there’s a male involved, he cannot stay out of it. I’m afraid of her coming over, and then he shows up. Another reminder from God that lust ain’t meant to be.

Well, I’m gonna go try to hit the sack now before that bitch next door wakes me up in 3 hours.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 1993 I have lots to write about, but I’m off tomorrow, so I’ll get caught up now.

I must call the bank, the phone company, Kara, Joe and Celeste. I need to call Joe to bitch him out. Celeste is another story I’ll get into later. I still haven’t called Willie yet.

As far as getting my hair straightened, well, it was a bust. My hair’s still quite curly. Velma did trim my bangs OK and she gave me some nice hair care products. I gave her $15 for her birthday. She said she’d try straightening my hair again for free on the 22nd, but I’m sure it won’t work. She also mentioned getting a straightening iron for me, too. Maybe she’d rather buy me the iron, rather than spend all that time again straightening my hair. I don’t think it’ll work a second time if it failed the first.

The other day Andy told me he called Judy at the office and he asked her to come over. Without asking why she and Stacey went over and he showed them how those fucking kids were playing on his stairs. I went and told Stacey exactly how I feel about the kids here as well as the too-thin walls. As figured, she said she couldn’t chain me to my door, but that if I leave she’ll send a bill to me and my parents. She did say she agrees with me as far as the kids should be separated from those without kids. Also, she “does not not like me.”

She lied about 3 things, though. One, she said there were only 4 kids here. Two, no one else has ever complained about the kids except me and Andy. Three, it’s against the law to separate kids from adults. All this is bullshit. I have plenty of reliable sources and references.

Andy gave me a survey form that goes directly to the management company. I wrote all about Stacey, the kids, and the walls being so thin. Ever since I turned Andi next door in for having all those kids, she’s been noisier. I still basically don’t hear her as she’s never home, but on Sundays, it sounds like the walls are gonna cave in. She even drove Mary nuts. I need my sleep on Sundays cuz I dance Sunday nights. I swear I’m gonna wake her up when I come in early Monday morning if she keeps this up. Twice she’s done this. Speaking of Mary, well she’s a great person. She’s given me about 4-5 rides since we met and I helped her get newspapers into the recycling bin. She calls me up whenever she wants predictions or vibes on anything.

A few days ago I got a call from a woman from some sales and advertising business. She asked me a trivia question about Paul Newman. What’s he known for besides acting? I had 3 choices and I picked salad dressing which was the correct answer. I got several coupons for restaurants, Riverside Resort in Nevada, 25% off upholstery and Montgomery/Ward photo studios. The Nevada and upholstery deal, I’ll probably never use, but I used one restaurant coupon the night Andy, Stephanie and I went out to dinner. At the photo studio at Valley West Mall, I get four 8x10s and a framed 11x14. The only thing that sucks about this deal is that each photo sitting must be 4 months apart. Soon, I’m gonna make an appointment when Andy can take me there on my night off. There better be no catch either.

A deliveryman brought this package over and I paid $20.

The other night at work I bought a $30 dress. A purple satin one with matching G-string, and along the chest part of the dress are feathers. I like it, but the feathers keep falling out. There are 2 things I want to get for work. Boots, rather than shoes so I am cushioned a little more when I kneel down. Gloves would be more comfortable too, when I’m leaning on my arms. It’ll also hide my nails if there are ever days when I wasn’t in the mood to polish them. Great way to cover up polished nails when the polish starts chipping.

Kim left a message telling me Bob’s in trouble, accused of raping a 12-year-old girl. She said she doesn’t know if he’s in jail. She’s also not sure if he’s gonna skip out and head on out here.

Despite the statistics, I believe he’s innocent. The guy’s so weak, even a 12-year-old girl could fight him off.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 1993 I got a letter from Bob today as well as a million things to write about. First, let me say that I’ve come up with a unique, yet very accurate way to describe life on my own since December 3rd of 1985. From Crack Alley to the boonies to a madhouse to the funny farm to Phoenix to exotic dancing. Neat, huh?

On Monday, Everett came to fix my door with perfect timing which was at 2:40. He did a great job.

Good news for me, but not for Andy. His sister and nephew are not coming! No motels to worry about now. Marla’s pregnant so she can’t come out here till after the baby’s born. By then Andy and I won’t be here.

Still have discharges downstairs. Oh well. What else is new?

Andy, Stephanie and I went out to an Italian place for dinner. The place was dead, but the food was good.

I’m still getting used to all this extra money. I guess it’d also take some getting used to for a person who always had money that went broke. I can now afford the weekly TV guide, rather than go chase down people’s TV time sections of their Sunday papers.

I can get lots of stamps, too. I just sent Fran a picture of Kara which he’s wanted. I also sent him and Nerv two blooper pictures of Andy in San Francisco. Since I’m much busier, my letters to everyone will be slowing down. Just like with my journal writing. I’m especially gonna slow down my letters to my nieces. I’m a bit disappointed as I haven’t gotten a letter since last August. No letters about school, holidays, vacations or the letters and money I’ve sent.

Thanks to Andy, he’s gotten me into another neat hobby. Envelope decorating. I also got these really cool changeable markers. Six different colors that can be changed with a special marker. If I used purple and scratched over it with a clear marker, it changes it to pink. You can use either the changer marker first, or the regular ones first.

Later…

Andy and I have been passing messages all night long. A great way to clear our minds of whatever without interrupting each other.

He’s talking about apartment sharing with Stephanie. I told him to do whatever he wants, but I have a bad feeling as I did with a guy named Chris he took in a short while. With the way I can read people and I warned him about Chris, Nancy and others, I say they’ll fuck each other over and kill their friendship. He needs his space like I do, even if the person were perfect. She has friends that are all current or past druggies and alkies. She’s 41 and still trusting the wrong types to be alone in her apartment to rip her off. If she let someone in like that, they could rip him off too, or maybe she’d rip him off. I can also see her coming in wasted with wasted friends. And also fighting over chores and bills.

Laurie and Fran got their numbers changed. Laurie due to her baby’s father harassing her. Fran due to the typical story. He gets harassed, changes his number every two months, then gives his number to the same people who were harassing him before.

I got up the bravery to call this number Tim gave me. I spoke to Angie, but Vicki wasn’t home. We had a nice talk and I gave her my number. Neither of them returned my call and I won’t call them. I can only initiate so much. I like to chase and play games, but only if there’s something there to do so with.

A few mornings ago, very early, like 5 AM Eastern time, Andy and I called Kim who was just getting up. It was -3º! We talked about shit in general. She got my letters and thinks my job is great and is so happy for me. I may get a letter from her soon. She also told me something about Bob being sued for stealing someone’s grill. With that and his playing around with young kids, we both believe he is innocent, despite all the statistics. We called Fran too, but he was on his way to bed. We called Nervous who was drunk off his ass big time. He would not stay on the phone longer than 5 minutes, but I got a few great lines. We tried calling Barbara but got no answer. Fran called earlier about us all ranking on Nervous, but I was on the phone about to go out to dinner. That’s how it usually works.

Later…

Last Saturday I got a message from Mom and Dad. They were both very sick with colds, yet their message was a classic. I’m gonna edit it and send it to them. I had Kara call them and they called me. We had an excellent talk. I respect their opinions, and even though they don’t approve of it they are at least happy I’m happy. However, I’m still upset with Ma for ditching my pictures. I still do intend to talk to her about it, too.

Soon I’ll be having Sprint for long-distance and Caller ID.

Later…

I slept 9 hours yesterday and I sure needed it, but today I won’t sleep too much. I probably won’t conk out till 9:00 and I want to be up by 3:00.

Scott came into where I work last Sunday night. Sundays are dead, so I’m glad he did. I cut $59 and without him, I’d have only cut $39. Now that he’s gotten to know me, he’s told me more personal things about himself, but he really is a cool guy. He ain’t your TM (typical male) and he really only comes in to see me. I never danced for him as he’d rather talk which is cool. I asked if he could take me home after work, but I could be fired cuz it’s against the rules, so I couldn’t let him drive me.

Since John’s working at Circle K, a convenience store, and not driving, Steve sometimes drives me. He’s Corey’s regular driver (Corey’s another dancer) and when he takes us both he charges us only $3 each.

Laurie will be back at Denny’s part-time, so she won’t always be able to pick me up to bring me home.

Kara’s been babysitting a lot for Laurie. I called Kara and told her I haven’t forgotten about her, but I just realized I was supposed to call her when I got in from dinner. Oh well. I do, though, really want to see her on my next day off.

John called to say hi a few times and he’s now in his own apartment.

A close friend of Scott’s had a heart attack, but within a few days, he’ll talk to Bill Toddman at Capitol Records. He’s also gonna let me know about a dinner he needs someone to go with to for rich businessmen.

I met another fairly decent guy, and they do come in here and there, who knows a feminine gay woman who also likes other fems. He’s gonna try getting her number so I can play with her head. Again, never to the degree most people go to. He told me two very important things. Never forget her name - Jennifer - or she’ll be furious. The first bill he hands me will have her number if she’s agreed to give it to me.

I haven’t heard from Joe and I am gonna call him and give him a piece of my mind, despite being used to false promises.

I told Kara to tell her dad to forget the Polaroid and to say no the next time I ask to borrow something, rather than keep me hanging. John says he thinks he can get access to one, though.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 1993 I can’t sleep yet, so I figured I’d write. Today marks one year since the ultimate nightmare began (of all my time being on my own). This was the day I moved to CT. I feel two things when I remember that. One is I cringe with horror, depression and anxiety. The other, I laugh as I’m long gone. In about 6 hours from now, adding the 2-hour difference I was crying my eyes out. Tammy and I realized we were bullshitted by Mary Jane. We discovered their apartment next door goes over part of mine and the walls are paper-thin. I remember being in the tub hearing every word they’d say next door and wishing I had a shower. I remember how filthy the place was and trying to fit my furniture in. Boy, have I come a long way!

However, I’m out of here, too. I most certainly wouldn’t say these walls are paper-thin. I’d say a few layers of cardboard. There also aren’t 4 kids next to me and not a million outside, but there are still a few too many. Way more than enough. These apartments, as well as the grounds, are beautiful, but I’ve had it and I’m finally (after 3 years) gonna get a place where I can sleep anytime. With no music and where my sleep’s guaranteed unless I wake up on my own. No more am I going to sleep with a 50/50 chance of not being woken up by someone banging in the building. I’m also sick of those fucking kids outside screaming on weekends and after school. I was told it was quiet here and they never told me these walls were too thin. I didn’t come here to pay for thin walls and screaming kids. I never asked for that in my rent. Even if I were a day person, when I want to hear my TV, that’s all I want to hear. Not the kids too, or others in this building. Laurie and others have moved for the same reasons. I know I’m far from the first person to complain and I know I’ll be far from the last.

Tuesday I’m gonna tell Stacey the facts and she’s either gonna let me out of my lease or we’ll go to court. My parents won’t give them a dime. I will give them 30 days’ notice and they can also keep their deposit.

Tomorrow I get my hair chemically straightened. Velma will be picking me up at 3:00. I hope I fall asleep by 6:00. I hope many times over that I sleep straight through till 2:00.

That new asshole maintenance guy never fixed my fucking sliding door. I left a message for them to remember not to knock before 2:00 and I put a note on my door, but I’m sure the guys will fuck up. Some people just don’t give a shit.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 1993 I made a lousy $71 tonight, but it sure beats SSI, doesn’t it?

There are two new gorgeous dancers, and Tim, who I thought was Jim, gave me a number of some friends he knows. Tim’s the bouncer, in case I forgot to mention. It’s what he swears is a feminine couple, Vicki and Angie who know a lot of people, but I still just don’t know. I just want to play the game people play (to a degree), but this is a good friend of Tim’s. Tim’s a very good guy, so I’d assume he’d have some pretty decent friends. However, I’m tired of the same old one-sided and non-mutual deal. If it lusts for me, I don’t lust for it. If I lust for it, it don’t lust for me. It’ll also either smother me or say they’ll call or see you and it never does.

Linda was really getting fun to play with and I’m shocked she’s never called again. She told me she wasn’t giving up on me so I’m shocked she did.

Kara taped a Gloria special from the radio for me last Saturday night while I was working. I haven’t heard it all yet, but why on earth did she go and cut her hair?

Still haven’t heard from Bob.

Andy and I spoke to Tammy last week and we had a nice talk. Tammy’s so thrilled and grateful for the money I’m sending her to help her out. She says Mom and Dad can understand why I’m doing what I’m doing with all the money I’m making and my loving to dance, but they’re shocked. I would be too, if I ever knew I’d be doing this.

I finally got Tammy’s package. There was a huge paint-by-number, which honestly bores me, so I gave it to Kara. I also gave Kara a box of crayons and a book of crossword puzzles she sent. I kept the word find puzzles and the nice package of magic markers. She also sent colored pencils and some food like popcorn, pudding, cupcakes and soup. I used the markers to make awesome decorations on the front and back of the envelopes. They do a good job of concealing. I sent her cash in 4 envelopes. I told her to call me to tell me she got 4, in white, pink, green and orange. I’ve also been decorating envelopes for others.

Last Sunday night, John was in and he met Scott. I gave him a tape of me singing two full songs and I hope to hear from him soon. Maybe I can call him and I also want to check out where he lives just in case when my lease is up. He says he has a 2-bedroom apartment which is 1200 square feet and costs $537 per month. It has super thick walls and he can’t hear a thing. He also says they separate kids, adults and the elderly the way it should be everywhere.

A week ago Andy called and I simply told him for the millionth time to keep our business ours. He’s been fine so far.

Laurie’s a cool person and she’s been my driver. She’s not sure if she wants to audition or not.

Last Saturday night was a shocker for me when both Andy and Stephanie showed up at the club. They were very complimentary about how much my dancing’s improved. Also about my body which is better, but still needs improvement. I think everyone always feels that way about their bodies.

That night both Laurie and Kara came to get me. They were out earlier drinking together.

At first, Tim and others could swear Andy was a girl. He and I were laughing about this, as I say there’s a difference between girls and fags.

Later…

I decided I wanted a bigger calendar, so I cut up my teddy bear calendar to decorate my journals with. I made a calendar for now. I also need to reprogram numbers into my phone as well as delete some, such as Dennis’s and asshole Ellie’s.

I haven’t heard from Randy, so who knows what he’s up to?

I was reading back in journal 7, cracking up over certain stuff. Like how I thought my asthma would be better with moving back to Woodside Terrace. Little did I know the sheer hell I was to go through there! Saying moist air helps when it really makes it worse was dumb. Of course, I also didn’t realize how bad the stench of the Mill River got and how bad the neighborhood got. Not that it’d be long before the harsh reality hit me. I just didn’t want to believe how bad that area became cuz I wanted my old apartment back badly. I never realized how fast an area can go to hell either. There were also some funny mistakes as well as stuff that made no sense.

I must call Velma at 6:00 this morning. Andy gave me her number. I want her to trim my bangs and straighten my hair.

Here’s a list of some things I’d like. Some of them, though, I’m not in a dire hurry for. I’d like my phone blocks to be removed so I can call long-distance. A pair of new heels, my CD player fixed (Not the portable one Steve gave me. The one I bought a few days before I moved to S Deerfield), a color TV, a better microwave, maybe cable, and a vacuum like Andy’s like I had back east. Definitely a major shopping spree one of these days.

Well, now it’s time once again for a cigarette break.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 1993 Well, here I am and I am feeling just fine. I’ve never ever been happier in my whole life. It feels so good. Now, 26½ years of misery is just a memory. Only two ER visits since coming here sure are better than more. I’ve only had two depressing spells which were a joke and they didn’t last long. It was over food and money when I first got here. I only wish I’d begun this job right after I first got here. I also wish I’d moved here long ago, but I know there are a time and reason for everything. I’m sure all the misery I went through as a kid and since being on my own was a survival test. God only knows how in the hell I did survive. But going through all I did surely makes you more sensitive and open-minded. It makes you not as naïve and enables you to read people well.

Earlier Fran called. We called Kara, but she was busy giving Ashley a bath. She’s going to Vegas for two weeks with an old girlfriend. Fran called Nervous and I called Andy. I taped it.

Then, I treated Andy to Red Lobster where we ordered shrimp. The bill was $32 and I left a $4 tip.

I’m watching Hunter now and Andy and I were laughing our asses off earlier. Back east it’s 0º with wind chills of -40º.

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