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cocopubpotato · 3 years

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a thor movie summary notes whatever

heya so nobody asked for this but here goes my entire notes of a summarry of the first thor movie

this was for a class work okay

saved you from having to scroll through this

New Mexico ; a person tries to register an anomaly an astrophysicist okay this movie starts differently than I thought thunder storms coming someone up there appears from the vortex and they run over him explanation of Norse mythology and they tell us about the war between Odin and the frost Giants. Orient took their power sources back to Asgard. Because it's a movie it has a chance to show us how radiant and perfect in comparison to New Mexico the reason the story is being told is to show thor and loki that war isn't good the next thing we see is thor being crowned Crown Prince in the event of a frost giant snake into the Asgardian vault to recover their power source and end up interrupting the ceremony. They failed their mission because security at the vault Teresa beat of a Maniac doesn't think properly of his actions this is a bunch of friends that don't matter.

I'm here thor decides to break the rules and still go to Jotunheim even though his brother Loki, who is a chaotic neutral at best, not to and also his friends advised he shouldn't do it but he doesn't care and does it anyway.

Thor's friends are going through Jotunheim to cause a big mess, Thor demands some answers from the ruler of jotunheim, he mentions theres a traitor(ps it's loki) it odins house and ignores that the frodt giant is actually nice and let's them leave but thor starts a fight anyway.

*insert action scene cause this is an action movie* (we also discover as does he that loki is actually a frost giant that was taken by odin during the war)

we can also see thors magnificent strength, odin come to save thors gang cause thors stupid and almost started a war then they have a fight and odin has to punish thor for his arrogance and stupidity by sending him to earth. While taking his powers away and giving the power to anyone worthy of holding mjiolnir thor's hammer.

now we retur to the start of the movie, thor being run over by a pair of scientists and getting tasered by an intern. thor goes a bit crazy on earth because who are these people doing something to the allmighty thor. we also get astrophyiscist science explained. then he gets runovered again. his friends over on asgard are talking about how horrible thors banishment is and loki reveals that he is the one that alerted odin, one of them suggests that loki might be a traitor ; loki goes for the frost giants powersource to learn more about what he is and finds odin. Now we go back to earth and see that thor doesn't know human etiquette.

talking about the hammer, here people find it and since noone is able to lift it a lot of people go near and try to take it; like the sword in the stone. until a certain organization comes and puts the whole area on lockdown to investigate.

the main scientist is called jane and honestly she makes very bad decisions(love interest) gets recommended not to keep on checking thor out; government takes away all her stuff and she gets pretty mad since they take her research. Shield James science equipment and research since discover for some reason she was there in the day the the aka the hammerfell I have some research basically no illegal wait but it's not illegal because they are the law. at Asgard well now remember at the Berkeley Loki is Apple Dutch angles oh yeah look at those odin link has fallen asleep and can't wake up loki is King in the meantime and denies the request to bring out door of his banishment.

back on Earth it's more about Norse mythology because he's curious about thor and everything. Jane takes by thor to the Hammer because she has nothing else to lose so might as well should we get some bad scenes of them flirting cringly that remind me so much of Star Wars Episode 2 which I hate. I really hate how back and forth to the plug go between now we are not now we are on earth we get a little bit of clear statement that I've actually loved Loki as her son as well no door is going to search for the hammer he's like right there I'll decide he only has two Frankie's weighing to hammer sentence on lockdown with hydrogen's hey I know that now PS he doesn't manage to lift the hammer heme Ethan Ward outfit because a crazy psycho that hasn't learned his lesson listen action scene action movie the good thing is that we get to see more dad even though you're lost his Godly Powers he is still very strong and at least holds his experience since most of what he did was close quarter combat combat that's it's an skis and able to live there he gets really mad barroso kinda sad to Luce these thoughts right now so it depends on the script on the right Bluetooth I submit my book like press that he can't do what he used to what's taken away government police.

Loki appears in front of thor and tells him the biggest lie the golden age that because because the war on coming to banish him kills me from the inside he also told him that because your character Golden Tones that I am the one on the throne home Barbie supplies. yeah I'm going to go to war as long as stars exiled and apparently agrees that he shouldn't come back and he has come to say goodbye the end. also Loki isn't worthy of the hammer.

now we give some bonding time foreign doctor Selvig because we need to to care about humans. but also thor takes note of how horrible person he has been. now we see the Loki is truly Daughtry tour and brought some of the soldiers into Asgard there is a key doesn't kill all them himself is because of the weekend that's suspicious if the new king kill the previous one. Heimdall doesn't believe any of lokis s*** price Val doesn't follow the rules he only believes in what's right it's like the most normal character in this thing

Now we get to see Torrid Jean because dorbrook dr. Selby after he drank passed out. Now we get to see more torrin James bonding okay but Jason is actually Exposition because store tells her about the 9 Realms of Asgard which is Earth and the others he apologizes for being a dick she apologizes for running him over oh and give her her research notebook because he grabbed it from the lockdown no to research more because she's actually right about her research on interpreting they have the look in their eyes pierdas relationship lasts yeah like two movies break up off screen. I want to sleep now. yay we get to see the sidekick Arjun game about going back to Rescue I'm bringing back to Asgard I have a lease on board because he doesn't believe inloki's reign yay now the sidekicks are not aired and they're going to search for tour but loki noticed that they left I never remember the name of this enemy but he reminds me so much of the one from X-Men Days of Future Past

Thor's friends found him yay I hear third Lair devil oketokun was a big lie because all his friends are like to know he's in there he's just asleep and then the enemy that guy Air Jordan wrecks havoc and beats Sidekicks up because they suck now they're evacuating the CD so that the Scythe cakes can keep the evil guy's he doesn't kill anyone going because killing is bad okay so because the bad guy is beating everyone really wants to kill tour Thor goes to find friends and he says some inspiring words to save so that she doesn't die kids and now he is worthy because he risked everything to save the others and has become a better person in the span of 10 minutes. thor tells Jane that he will come by he promises her that he will come back but we all know that he doesn't come back until like two years later because the bifrost is broken at the end of this movie because loki overcharge the bifrost it is going to destroy asgard and he can't let that happen but because of that he won't be able to see Jane ever again and he and Loki are almost falling to the universe and Loki let's go and disappears into the universe.

As a very merry and all the people in osgard are celebrating and everything Contender stories their mother and Thor are sad because Loki has gone and they love him like a son and brother and he also misses jane

#i feel like i lost braincells #really i wanna sleep #used dictation.io for this #it is pretty useful for taking notes actually #recommend using it #but ye this movie ain't that good #thor #marvel #mcu

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things2mustdo · 4 years

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“White people are terrible,” “I have white privilege,” and “most of the world’s problems are caused by white people” are three general statements countless social justice warriors and their enablers agree with. Yet they are all based on the severest distortion of reality. You or I should no more apologize for being white than an African-American should for being black.

Just as many blacks, Hispanics, and other minorities are made more pliable by the media and the establishment by being told they are eternal victims, white people are made more pliable by agreeing that they need to always feel guilty. Using an SJW “anti-racism” that feels awfully like the leftist version of a Nazi book about hereditary, white people supposedly inherit the evil deeds of dead dudes who owned slaves prior to the Civil War or arrived on a foreign continent in a year like 1492 or 1788.

The establishment-enforced guilt is even greater for those directly descended from such people, but even culturally and genetically unrelated individuals like Polish- and Italian-Americans, whose ancestors pretty much all arrived after periods like the slavery era, are held accountable, too. Why? Even if we ridiculously assumed we can find descendants “guilty” of their ancestry, the white guilt thesis is like putting all of Harlem’s young black men in 2016 under house arrest because 20 of them were involved in a vicious street brawl… in 1937.

Provided you adhere to our creed, neomasculinity and the Return Of Kings community form the broadest functional church you will find. We do not care where you come from, so long as you support our goal of a return to masculine societies that emphasize community-building and do not apologize for taking pride in their own cultures. ROK readers who are black, white, Asian or something else are all equal in this regard.

Here are just three of many reasons why I will not hate or feel guilty about my skin tone.

1. I’m the descendant of victims myself because many of my ancestors were from oppressed ethnic and religious groups

Look at those privileged starving Irish!

Are you heavily Irish-blooded, like me? Italian? Polish? Ukrainian? Were your ancestors Catholics living in heavily Protestant areas, or perhaps Huguenots who had to flee persecutory France?

It’s funny how SJWs prance on about white privilege when over half of all whites who emigrated to America, Canada or Australia, from the Puritans to Yugoslavian Civil War refugees, came because the civilian government or monarchy representing another ethnicity or religion essentially chased them out, had killed their family members, or wanted them dead, too. Many of the white groups who did take the journey, particularly the Italians or Irish, were then subjected to quotas and mistreatment in places like New York for years.

A great deal of my ancestors were Catholics in Prussia and other Protestant parts of northern Germany. This section of my family tree is replete with persecutions, including one great-great-great-great grandfather who lost sight in one eye and movement in his arm after being brutally assaulted by a Prussian policeman. His crime? Being an ethnic German leaving a Catholic church on Sunday in the 1800s. Catholic churches were only for “subhuman” Poles. Catholic Prussians were seen as traitors who belonged in Bavaria, prison, or dead. He ended up eking out an existence as a tailor with one good arm, after both he and his brother were repeatedly refused admission to the civil service for their faith.

In addition, I had Irish immigrant forebears whose fathers, mothers, brothers, and sisters died as a result of the Potato Famine. One of these ancestors, the eldest child in his family, was working in Dublin to make money for the family when, in the space of three months, he received news that his parents, all his sisters, and all but one of his brothers had died from starvation, malnutrition, or diseases related to them.

When my aunt did the genealogy over three years, she counted 37 family members in one corner of an Irish county who died from starvation or starvation-related illness in 13 months. The famine was predicted and even aggravated by the British. Considering the squalor into which the occupiers had driven the Irish Catholics, the whole ordeal was fundamentally caused by them, too. With only an extra mouth to feed, this great-great-great grandfather of mine took his barely school-aged brother with him to Australia two months later. What role did these two have in oppressing others, white or non-white, that I should feel shame about today?

Look further back into my family tree and you find German, Dutch and Swiss Jews, many of whom were shunted around various locations within Europe, depending on what limited patience local authorities had for yarmulke-wearers at the time.

With this lineage, what exactly do I have to apologize for, aside from my supposedly very, very privileged, at best lower middle-class English forebears from drab West London and grim Yorkshire? Most of them never saw a dark person, let alone mistreated one. To boot, the vast majority lived poor, thankless lives without clean sanitation, abundant food, or anything close to job security. And these are the stations in life, through no fault of their own, that 95% of your ancestors reached as well.

2. Minorities and other non-whites frequently treated and still treat each other far worse than white people did

Rwandan genocide, anyone?

From the pre-Columbian Central and South American peoples to the Rwandan genocide, non-whites have very often treated one another even more abysmally than whites have treated them. European technology may have amplified the number of indigenous and other deaths in places like the Americas, but raw hatred, aggression, and the continuity of violence can be found in even greater quantities in non-white historical squabbles.

Europeans have also been incorrectly blamed for things like infectious diseases, despite the scientific work of antiseptic procedure pioneer Ignaz Semmelweiss being years, sometimes even centuries away. Meanwhile, non-whites have been allowed to kill non-whites without serious condemnation from SJWs.

For example, critics of the Iraq War and the attempted rebuilding of post-Saddam Iraq have said that the whole country is based on a fiction that dates back to the European post-World War I mandate systems. In other words, if Kurds, Shia Arabs, and Sunni Arabs inhabit the same country, they kill each other! Whilst it is appetizing for SJWs to blame the big, bad British and French for this, it is far from the truth. Kurds and Arabs have been butchering each other for countless centuries. The greatest Muslim figure of all the Crusades, Saladin, was consistently mistrusted because of his Kurdish origins. Similarly, intra-Arab or Arab-Iranian Sunni-Shia violence is age-old and has little if anything to do with Europeans.

Last year, Rock Thompson wrote a superb piece about the hypocrisy of attacking Columbus Day in the Americas. His work exposed the double standards of many Native American and also Central and South American tribes, who pretend their ancestors were routinely peaceful when, in fact, they regularly engaged in deplorable acts of gratuitous violence, including human sacrifices and the sadistic mutilation of enemies who were not so ethnically different. The conquistadors and Puritans are falsely seen as the harbingers of cultural and racial genocide in the Americas. Local indigenous tribes, however, were already hunting each other down for sport well before the tall ships arrived.

3. White-majority countries make the humanitarian world go round

A tent city the Saudis refused to make available for fellow Arab Syrian refugees.

Whenever you find an aid program for starving Africans, war-torn Arabs, or other suffering people, chances are that a number of white Westerners are behind it. Even if they’re not all white, they invariably come from white-majority and/or white-founded Western countries, or are funded by them. All to assuage the guilt of white people living in 2016 who feel the need to apologize for a European colonial regime that replaced almost always far more brutal indigenous ones.

Western countries also welcome non-whites in droves, both as immigrants and as “refugees.” The recent Syrian crisis is a testament to this (over-)generosity. While Saudi Arabia refused to accommodate fellow Arab Syrians in their already-constructed tent city, used normally for the Haj Priligrimage, Germany and other European states bore the brunt of those fleeing, including through the open door policies of leaders like Angela Merkel.

In general terms, white people care more about the developmental outcomes of non-whites. Wealthy non-white countries like Japan and Korea have perfected a system of meticulously keeping their populations pure and rejecting the asylum claims of over 99% of claimed refugees. This asymmetrical state of affairs is ironic when Japan’s own history of colonisation, notably the Rape of Nanking, is taken into consideration.

White guilt is also very profitable for certain establishment figures and zealous entertainers. It’s why twats like Bono and Bob Geldof get up every morning, after all. And, far from sucking the world dry, white folks have repeatedly tried to make it better. Very often this generosity is taken to an extreme, but the point of white-majority countries acting and non-white countries stalling or ignoring remains valid.

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guiltiest-gear · 5 years

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Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's ♪♫ beautiful ♫♪.

In the year negative a billion, Japan might not have been here. In the year negative forty thousand, it was here, and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island, and now there's lots of ♫ trees ♫. Because it's warmer.

So now there's people on the island; they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology. Like stones, and bowls.

Ding dong, it's the outside world, and they have technology from the future. Like really good metal, and ♪ crazy rice farms ♪. Now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own the farm, then you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survvvvive. So that makes you king.

Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread all across the land, all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here (Hi), here (Chikushi), here (Izumo), here (Kibi), here (Yamato), here (Koshi), and here (Kenu). But this one (Yamato) was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly superperson, or emperor for short.

Knock knock, get the door, it's religion. The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion (Buddhism) from Baekje. "Please try this religion," he said. "No," said everybody. "Try iiiiit," he said. "no..." said everybody again, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it.

Then, the government was taken over by another clique (Taika). And they made some reforms , like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China's government, which is a government that governs more. "Hi China," they said. "Hi dipshit (wa, dwarf)," said China. "Can you call us something else, other than dipshit?" said Japan. "Like what?" said China. ♫♪"How about sunrise laaand?"♪♫ said Japan. And they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book. About themselves! And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves.

Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while, right here (Kyoto, Heian Palace). And they conquered the north finally, get that squared away. ✓

A rich hipster named Kūkai is bored with modern Buddhism and visits China, learns a better version which is more ♫♪ spiritual ♪♫, comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be ♫♪ great ♪♫ for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dreamworld of art that they really didn't give a shit about running the country.

So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit, from criminals? ♫♪ Hire a samurai.♪♫ Everyone started hiring samurai. (Rich important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai.) The samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. So they made their own military government, right here. They let the emperor still be emperor, but the shogun was actually in control.

Breaking news, the Mongols have invaded China. "W̛e҉'ve i͟nv̕aded ̵Chi͠na̸," said the Mongols, "Pl͘e̶a̷se̵ ͝res͢p̛ȩc̷t u͢s҉,͜ or͜ el̕se w͞e ͟m̛igh͟t ͠i͝nvade͡ ̕y͜o̕u̕ ͡a͡s̕ ̡well̀.̢" "Okay," said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornado. But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornado.

Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to Kyoto, and makes a new shogunate. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that's fine.

♫♪ Now there's more art. ♪♫ Like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers.

It's time for who's going to be the next shogun. Usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid. So he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says okay. But then the shogun has a kid. So now who's it gonna be? Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it's anybody's game.

Knock knock, it's Europe. No, they're not here to take over, they just wanna sell some shit. Like clocks, and guns, and ♫♪ Jesus ♪♫. So that's cool. But everyone's still fighting each other for control. Now with guns! And wouldn't it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them? This clan (Imagawa) is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan (Oda) which is in the way. Surprise, smaller clan wins! And the leader of that clan (Oda Nobunaga) steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. And it goes very well.

He's about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him, then someone else who works for him (Toyotomi Hideyoshi) kills them, and that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody's swords. And he made some rules. "Ąnd͟ n͟ow I'̛m̶ goińg̡ to ͘inva͞d̨e ͝Kor͟e͡a,̵ an͝d͢ ̶the̴n h͜op̷ef̕ull͏y ̵Chin͢a̛," he said, and failed, and also died. ☠️ But before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said yeah right, it's not gonna be this kid, it's gonna be one of us. 'Cause we're grownups. And it's probably gonna be this guy (Tokugawa Ieyasu) who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others.

A lot of people support him, but a lot of people (Ishida Mitsunari) support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins. And starts a new government, right here. ♫♪ Edo ♫♪ And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor, and have very nice things. But don't get confused, this (Tokugawa family) is the new government. And they are very strict, so strict they close the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch, if they wanna buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here (Dejima).

Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. ✓ Business increased, ✓schools were built, ✓ roads were built, ✓ everyone learned to read, ✓ books were published. There was poetry (haiku), plays (kabuki), sexytimes, puppet shows (bunraku), and Dutch studies. People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity.

Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow do- impending doom music Knock knock. It's the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats. "O͜pe͡ņ,̨ t͡he͏ ͘c̷o̷ưntry. ͠S̛t͜o̡p̛,̵ ҉ha͠v̀in͜g̷ i͝t̀ ͝be̴ ́clo͞sed.̢" said the United States. music ends ¯\_(ツ)_/ ¯ There was really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want.

Chōshu and Satsuma hated this. "That sucks!" they said. "This sucks!!!" And with almost very little outside help, (from Britain) they overthrew the shogunate. And somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed eastern capital (Tokyo). They made a new government, which was a lot more Western. And they made a new constitution, which was.. pretty Western. And a military that was... pretty Western (large).

And do you know what else is Western? That's right, it's conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea! They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further (Liaodong Peninsula). And Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "Stop no you can't do that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water." And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shitton of soldiers. Then, when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuckton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says, "Can you maybe chill?" And Russia says, "How 'bout maybe you chill?"

Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You'll never guess who's also kind of scared of Russia. Great Britain! So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, but just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop.

♫♪ It's time for World War I ♪♫ The world is about to have a war. Because it's the 1900s, and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m̵͡͝͝o͏̨̨̢͢o͏͏̵̧̕ơ̢̢͜͜o͠͏͢ó͘o̶̢̧ó̷͝͠o͝͡o̧͘r̨̢̕ȩ̸ and the next thing on their list is this part of China (Qingdao) and lots of tiny islands.

All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, who was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France's ass because France was friends with Russia who was getting ready to kick Austria's ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia's ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass. Err, actually, he shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan. So you know what that means, duhhh.

♫♪ Japan should take the islands. ♪♫ Which they wanted to do anyway. So they sort of called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know, and then they did it! And they also helped Britain here and there with some errands and stuff. bell rings

Now the war is over, and congratulations Japan, you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table (Paris Peace Conference), with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. And you also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫♪ the League of Nations ♪♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world.

The Great Depression is bad, and Japan's economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria. And the League of Nations is like ♪"No don't do that if you're in the League of Nations you're not supposed to try to take over the world."♪ And Japan said, ♫♪ How bout I do, anyway? ♪♫ And Japan invaded more and more and more of China, and was planning to invade the entire East.

You've got mail. It's from Germany, the new leader of Germany, he has a cool mustache and is trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common.

♫♪ It's time for World War II ♪♫ (the sequel) Germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors' neighbors, then, the neighbor's neighbors' neighbors, who happen to be Britain, said "Holy shiiit" and the United States started helping Britain because they are ♫♪ good friends ♪♫ and started not helping Japan because ♫♪" Their friends and our friends are not friends. Plus they're planning on invaaading the entire ocean."♪♫

The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb. Bigger than any other bomb, ever™. Just in case (Germany). But they still haven't joined the war, war looks bad on TV, and the United States is really starting to care about their image.

But then Japan spits on them, in Hawaii, and challenges them to war. And they say yes! And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. And they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany. And they also chase Japan back into Japan. And they haven't used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works, so they drop it on Japan.

They actually drop two.

(You win.) The United States installed a new government, inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a ♫♪ post-war economic miracle ♪♫ and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can. And also better than everybody else. They get rich, and the economy goes wild. But then the miracle wears off, but everything's still pretty cool I guess. ♪♫ Bye. ♫♪

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vaguely-concerned · 5 years

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TEMERAIRE LET’S READ: BLOOD OF TYRANTS, THE WILLIAM LAURENCE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT NG+ SPEEDRUN

- oh NO LAURENCE D:D:D:

I do love that one of his first realizations is that he’s definitely not dutch tho lol this dumbass remembered that he was english before he remembered his own name

- caught between OH NO TEMERAIRE (and it’s only page 9 it’s going to be one of those books huh) and laughing my ass off at the thought of him swooping into notoriously isolationist japan and yelling ‘HAVE YOU GUYS SEEN MY DAD???’

- “Yes,” [Laurence] said, unyielding, as he could not be otherwise. ahahahahaha way to summarize the entirety of old school!laurence with one fucking sentence

(I am very much enjoying this uh. ‘setback’ of his character actually? novik really did just roll him back to factory settings and went ‘now... from the top again, let’s see if you’ve been paying attention these last seven books’ haha. no one told me there’d be a test!!!!!!!!!!)

- Kaneko really has the patience and graciousness of a saint, @ laurence please... please try to be marginally less sketchy hm? (I guess his sheer obliviousness to how direly he comes across here must be why kaneko hasn’t dismissed him out of hand)

- y’know... at least laurence is in no position to have to worry about all this shit temeraire and the others are pulling. when people start talking about black-scaled celestials shaking the country to its very foundations he’ll be blissfully, innocently unaware. that’s something, I suppose... well who am I kidding we’ll 100% get a couple of paragraphs of him convincing himself this is all his fault somehow anyway

- . . . and His Majesty’s Government does not behave in such an underhanded a manner as to attack another nation with no warning or quarrel. aha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha oh what a strange beautiful fantasy land you’ve been residing in for most of your life william laurence, hang on tight for the opium wars

- hahaha oh my god this is like a platonic version of that text post

temeraire: have you guys seen my dad??!?!

them: what does he look like?

temeraire, crying: beautiful and human and has gold buttons

- I take it all back old school laurence is such a tremendous idiot. just PRETEND you’re willing to cooperate at least you huge fuckign dummy, all you’d have to do was say something vague about how the ship can’t get too close to shore; it won’t actually help them and they’ll know it but you won’t make yourself look so unspeakably willfully suspicious

- :( making me read things where temeraire is just hurting should be ILLEGAL actually

- NO LAURENCE STOP TRYING TO KICK LITERALLY EVERY POLITICAL HORNET’S NEST WITHIN REACH BAD BOY he is... a disaster but I love him and fear for him as a son so here I am anyway

- hahahahaha yeah wow laurence it sure would suck if you ever had to commit treason huh death probably would be preferable indeed

b o i

- i like that it took him like a week to even give a single thought to edith lol at least he remains aggressively himself

- I think temeraire basically just invented dragon baby photos and I can’t even think for how darling it is

also every dragon physician is delightful; they fear neither god, man nor huge ass patients who could swallow them in a bite

aw man I love gong su

- ahahahahahahah kiyo is the actual best I can’t breathe

KANPAI INDEED, MY LADY, MY LIEGE, I DON’T CARE WHAT ELSE HAPPENS I WOULD FOLLOW YOU TO THE ENDS OF THE EARTH

Laurence was forced to at least moisten his lips in a show of accompaniment, and hope that he had indeed buried Caesar and not praised him, or for that matter raised him from the dead one act too soon; he was not perfectly sure. He did not think he had been this appallingly drunk since he had been a boy of twelve, trying to make good on every toast at his captain’s table. I. am. dying

thank you thank you thank you for the mental image of laurence drunkenly trying to stumble through the ‘friends, romans, countrymen’ speech as well as the entire rest of the play in a one-man performance

- oh no... I would die for junichiro, baby boy who loves his teacher SO MUCH ;____________; aaaaand there are laurence’s adoption instincts, I see, right on time <3 I like how they have had one actual conversation now and laurence is like ‘ah well nothing for it then guess you’ll have to stay on my ship and I’ll have to be your dad now, brash 16 year old child’

junichiro is being Full Teenager about laurence not knowing ~*obvious*~ things and it’s a delight

- y’know this period of japanese history is always portrayed in the west as paranoia and it could probably only be done because the country was a strict military dictatorship at the time... but having read oh, any history book ever, deciding that nope nah don’t think so no europeans ever is the greatest ‘fair enough’ in human history. (...I guess this series is sort of AU fix it fic of the period in the first place haha)

- seeing temeraire this level of straight out angry is very interesting and also very unsettling

- ooooof whenever laurence almost-remembers temeraire... stab me in the heart why don’t you

- man churki really is the mom friend of these dragons she’s the only one who has a lick of sense

- *laurence, upon clobbering several men with an oar* “Ma’am, I beg your pardon,” Laurence said to the old woman, who was still sitting ramrod-straight in the ferry over the side from him and regarding him with a flat expression of utter disapproval and not the least evidence of fear; he put out a boot over the side and shoved the ferry off with a heave

god this book is just a continual parade of glorious mental images, just this old woman glaring at him like ‘RUDE’ and “Ma’am, I beg your pardon” fdslfhsdlkjh

- I have a lot of sympathy for hammond. imagine having to navigate the extremely delicate diplomatic situation between europe and japan, with the real prospect of a war breaking out over it, while temeraire is looking over your shoulder... real dragon in the glassware shop vibe going on here, i’m sorry about your life hammond

- AUGH laurence just sort-of-remembered emily he just half-remembered he basically has a daughter someone hold me (...junichiro is so so sweet ;___;)

- bwahahaha yeah I’m sure the only reason this impressionable young kid who’s slowly becoming very impressed by you has for sneaking glances at your bare chest is manly appreciation of your battle scars laurence, well done (I mean a supremely understandable innocent teen crush to develop but stay safely out of that, kid; I trust tharkay to survive the sheer field of mayhem around this man only because he’s got like 20 years, extreme competency and a world of cynicism on you)

- aw junichiro :(:(:(

- ...laurence you need to stop making your dragon boi think you’re dead because this is hurting me. my heart lies in sad little pieces on the ground right now. you are stepping on them with tapdancing shoes.

- “I am under an obligation to Junichiro,” [Laurence] said, quietly, “who you must know has aided me for love of you. If I surrender myself and am made prisoner in this way, will your honor be satisfied?”

fdsfhsdkfsdja *ELMO SURROUNDED BY FLAMES GIF* this is all awful they’re all such good people why must this happen why this

(what a way to remind me why I love this stupid wonderful man so much tho uuuuuugh)

- “He is a prince of China, and my captain.” “The devil I am,” said Laurence. This might be the funniest heartbreak I have ever experienced

- good job making me cry whenever I read the words ‘principia mathematica’ naomi novik that was real nice of you

- maximus is such a solid bro. not the brightest, but by god a good 80% of that boy’s gigantic body mass is pure heart

- I love the sheer trollishness of just dropping all these hints about whatever’s going on in the US and then moving on like nothing has happened lol at least it’s deeply implied that hamilton squandered his chances at the presidency by pulling his dumb hoe act in this universe too... constants and variables friends constants and variables

- bOY for a moment there I really did wonder if junichiro was going to die, thank god for a quick google to stop my heart from leaping up my throat and out into thin air to shatter yet again on the flagstones beneath

- in unrelated news I recently found out a bit more about the whole historical Situation in Australia at the beginning of Tongues of Serpents (incidentally, by reading Mark Forsyth’s ‘A Short History of Drunkenness’, which is very funny and quite interesting although I can personally testify that the chapter about vikings at least is completely riddled with misunderstandings or straight out factual errors about the mythology, the role of women in society and uh the entirety of how poetry worked so maybe take him with a pinch of salt lol), and now, in retrospect, I have to say Novik does a poor job conveying the sheer hilarity and madness going on at that time. Like. I was quite bored in those first few chapters, whenever Tharkay didn’t have page time. how could you make this incredible spectacular shitshow boring. it should have been easy comedy gold and not just like. misery. oh well great times, let’s return to the book at hand

- I remain utterly devoted to Lady Kiyo. livin’ life, drinking sake, giving no fucks, absentmindedly scoping out the western style ships and starting an entire modern navy for her country, getting some Theater up in here.... truly I would follow her into the jaws of hell itself, safely in the knowledge that she’d find some way to have a good time down there

- kaneko tearing up at laurence promising he’ll take care of junichiro 😭 this is so cruel to me, personally, specifically against my person, I am undone

- I like how the incan dragons are told like ‘don’t pick just one special person; you can love all your humans equally’ while the poor japanese ones are told ‘actually don’t love any of your humans very much at least not more than Honour’ lol they must have so many neurotic dragons running about b/c that when that attachment happens it seems extremely central to their psychology (and considering lady arikawa it’s not like they’re exempt from it, they’re just supposed to repress it to conform)

- laurence desperately trying to work out whether emily’s his daughter without actually asking anyone... delicious

the descriptions of roland’s letters: even more delicious

- temeraire sees the sad remnants of laurence’s robes and ‘hello darkness my old frieeeeend’ starts playing in his head... too bad laurence isn’t really in a position to experience the relief

- He is very much a one-note character, but O’Dea’s resolute dedicated fatalism is extremely funny

- hahaha poor temeraire... when you try to introduce bae to the family and they insist on being TOTALLY EMBARRASSING god

- The guilt of having caused pain to one deserving only consideration at his hand mingled with unanswered disquiet. I’m bawling laurence’s dad instincts are so pure and good even tho everything’s a bit messed up right now. like this whole paragraph is so powerful b/c you can see laurence’s natural loving impulse at war with his dad’s cold authoritarian parenting style and because his lived experience is removed he doesn’t know what is right.............. oh b o y

- oh okay I see my earlier comment about the opium wars proves unexpectedly prophetic

- it cannot be overstated how much I love junichiro or how happy I am that laurence is being so soft and patient with him. this kid has Been Through some shit

- emily roland shoulder to shoulder with laurence killing fools and he never doubts her for a moment... *chef kiss emoji*

- the problem with these books is that there are just so many good characters and so many of them don’t get any real page time in any given one -- I’m sitting here plaintively like ‘I realize this is not the most pressing issue right now but how is demane and sipho doing. are they okay. does sipho have enough books’

- ouch memory loss isn’t stopping laurence from flashing back to victory of eagles :(

there’s something so disconcerting about knowing why laurence reacts to things the way he does when he doesn’t; novik is using that very efficiently, this is a very satisfying use of amnesia just from a writer’s POV haha

- I like how none of these suckers really have the tools (or in some cases even inclination) to understand how messed up junichiro’s political situation is in all this

they just expect him to come home to britain with them and meanwhile he’s just found out that The greatest threat to his nation (from his POV I mean china/japan relations irl seem uh complicated) has more dragons in one field than he’s ever seen in his life. it’s a rough and lonely deal being this kid in this book

- oh ouch yes hey there laurence there might have been... a little bit of treason. true. extremely justified treason tho. I mean. oh dear

we don’t have tharkay and his unique mix of deep cynicism, incisive sarcasm and surprising depth of concise moral clarity here to assist with the aftermath so this could get u g l y

- listen what did I SAY about making me read about temeraire being miserable :(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

- SIPHO!! hey baby boy pls have some thought for your brother’s cardiac health tho

- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw the fact that laurence is getting out of this crisis so much quicker this time because of his bone-deep instinctual knowledge of how much he loves temeraire, which doesn’t need specific memories to be true and felt. god. jesus. stars above

- laurence: approaches little

little: gay panic

- [Laurence] groped after the truth of himself like a prisoner in Plato’s cave, watching shadows. *clenches fist with great emotion* fuck naomi novik why must you be such an excellent goddamn writer im in pain

- oh hay arkady

poor poor temeraire feeling like a failure in every way is so awful but also kind of funny. ‘oh shit arkady’s egg oh fuck oh crap’

- I LOVE that hammond is so clearly and repeatedly shown to be a very astute political thinker and working shit out before everyone else! he may be a dumbass and a bit of a weasel but by god he’s great at what he does!

- laurence wouldn’t have changed anything if he could u guise. I . that. hm. oh

- thARKAY

.........arkady I am only a human and a small one at that but I will find some way to climb up there and wring your neck

(how cute is it that apparently jane roland realized she needed someone to find laurence and was like ‘well I need someone who can take care of themselves and knows the area and speaks dragon and Understands the chaotic ways of william laurence and also has looked uncharacteristically like a kicked puppy at the very mention of his name ever since being forced to leave him behind in australia.... hey tharkay you want a job’ fhkjshdfkalhsd)

- I’m very glad I googled ahead and spoiled myself a bit on this, because if I just read this part fresh I would have expired on the spot

- MISSION GET MY BOY BACK SAFE FOR GOD’S SAKE is a go

- general chu is pretty cool for an old dude you feel me

- . . . and Laurence knew him; knew him and knew himself.

ahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha

hahahahahahahhahahahaha

hahahahhha

haha

what... what pure undiluted soulmate nonsense is this. what. how. WHY would you do this

- I think I said something offhandedly in my victory of eagles reactions about how tharkay makes laurence remember who he is. I. thought I was exaggerating slightly for dramatic effect at the time. um wow

- I am having the sort of feelings about I need to write fiction about because my ability to express it any other way is failing me. That’s just about the highest praise I could give, really, Novik sure knows how to plant interesting seeds in her stories lol

- for the record this is not how I wanted him to end up in laurence’s bed

(im not thinking too much about how he got hurt b/c if I do I’ll start crying and that’ll just be embarrassing for everyone)

- “I hope you will forgive my mentioning it, Will,” Tharkay said, eventually, rousing Laurence from his reverie. “ -- I recognize there is a certain pot-calling quality to my doing so under the circumstances, but have you noticed that the top of your head appears likely to come off?”

a) my love for him is just. so pure. so complete. so deep b) consistent first name basis; the one sure way to make me swoon c) the implication that he’s just been quietly watching laurence while he was lost in thought... im so soft

- oh god laurence very gently helping out demane and roland because he remembers now....... i cry and my tears are blood welcome back buddy

- “I am of the opinion,” Tharkay said, “that you ought not assign to free will something more likely the consequence of a sharp blow to the skull.”

he truly is the gift that keeps giving. an endless cornucopia of sarcasm and delight. we do not deserve him.

- [The man he was eight years ago] would not have valued his own feelings, on such a matter, higher than the law and the discipline of the service. *AIRHORN AIRHORN AIRHORN* there we have it folks that’s literally his character arc spelled out, he would have done SO MUCH BAD SHIT because he thought his own feelings didn’t matter and yet he chose another direction, stupendous, brilliant, revolutionary

also him trying to get his support across to both of them in as roundabout and discreet way as possible... laurence you beautiful disaster

- im just so happ. so happy. so happy temeraire has his dumb dad back

- oh so the russians think the BRITISH, of all people, are too soft on their dragons... ruh-roh

- sdfskadlfj yes good tharkay the ROBES (also the implied depth of fond schadenfreude-tinged amusement contained in that ‘those particularly magnificent robes’.... *prayer hands emoji*)

laurence is like ET TU BABE?????

I think this is very delicate gong su speak for ‘please do not be a dumb bitch your majesty’

hahaha chu knows what’s up -- I am growing desperately fond of him, please don’t have him suffer any cop-one-day-from-retirement style accident

- “If I may cut your Gordian knot,” Tharkay said, with a glint in his eye. fdsklfhsdkflhdsakjfhdskjh remember back in black powder war when he was all closed off and phlegmatic and purposefully distant... and here he is... with a glint in his eye and a crazy ass plan that requires other people and that he actually shares before pulling it off and calling laurence by first name in public......... we’ve come so far

- Also this means he’s close enough to Laurence’s height and build that he can wear his clothes without it looking weird, which is nice to know because Laurence is sometimes more preoccupied with describing what men are wearing than, y’know, what they look like lol. (probably not quite as broad in the shoulders, tho, since it’s pointed out every time laurence is described that he has shoulders like a linebacker)

- temeraire: eXCUSE me god didn’t do this the emperor of china did???!?! rude???

- pffffffffff tharkay and chu being jaded world-weary bros for a second there... this is what I read these books for folks

- NOOOOOOOOOOO chu this is the one thing I asked you NOT to do D: temeraire being sad and scared about it is slowly murdering me, thank god laurence is back online for him

- dunno this napoleon dude sounds pretty great and all but this also sounds suspiciously... like trying to invade russia in the winter time. immovable force and unstoppable object or something. I mean I don’t read history so I don’t know. might be a great idea. who’s to say.

- I see that tharkay and laurence have reached the ‘communicating complex information solely through eyebrow movements’ stage of their relationship. *drinks this excellent excellent OTP juice with both hands*

- god I love how cool temeraire!napoleon is, in a strangely believable way. he’s just so weirdly charismatic and novik is SO GOOD at setting up a situation so you understand just how brilliant a move he’s made whenever he seems to be backed into a corner and turns it all around. I kind of want him to win at this point (though tbf all of europe fucking sucked at this time so like he doesn’t have to doll it up TOO much to look better by comparison haha)

- boooyyyy Laurence is P I S S E D (also him being like ??? :D that the general basically agreed with him lol)

ALSO also the fact that laurence does not realize that he’s like the fucking horror story all the major authorities around the globe tell each other at night... fjksdfhsdkjlhf

ah russia. truly consistently one of the most shit places to be a peasant or apparently a dragon through so much of history.

- junichiro Y__________Y no wonder laurence is so protective of him, he’s finally met someone as stubbornly stupidly ~*honorable*~ as himself. godspeed bb boy I wish you only the best even though I know your story line is never properly brought up again

- I ship... roland and demane... so much. like with my heart. she’s so young and earnest and curious and misses him so much and casually scandalizes alice about it fsjdakfjhds

- well I mean. dragons eating people is clearly not g r e a t but also... karma. y’know?

- this is a lot of words to use to convey the sentiment ‘oh they are all so fuuuuuuuuuuuuucked’ naomi novik

(feels a little like she wrote herself into a corner here tho -- she’s set up such an impossible situation, in RUSSIA in the WINTERTIME, that I’d need a hell of a lot of convincing to believe they get out of it)

- aaaah okay I really enjoyed this one too, especially the first half! I feel like this series is often at its most inspired when it sticks to a tighter character focus (for example I still vividly recall the part in the first book where Laurence stays in his father’s house and it’s Bad. relatedly........ F U C K lord allendale), and this brought that in spades. I love this series so much, it’s shamefully underappreciated in the speculative fiction world.

also it brought *me* to my knees with a simple “Tenzing,” [Laurence] said, which... holy shit. fuck. damn. that’s my personal recommendation of this book, tbh, even beyond my wish for this series to be more appreciated within the genre: Tharkay was there and it was very gay and non-obnoxious soulmate vibes???? I never even thought it could be done but here we are

This is probably going to be my last reaction thingy for the foreseeable future, since my local library doesn’t have book 9 and honestly... having read a few summaries of what happens in it I’m not that keen on reading it? That’s not the ending to this story I want, so I’ll just live over here in denialville, I-realize-the-author-made-the-choice-to-not-make-further-use-of-Lien-AKA-THE-coolest-antagonist-in-this-series-and-indeed-did-not-wrap-up-numerous-character-arcs-or-plot-lines-but-I-don’t-like-this-choice-so-I’ll-ignore-it

(actually I do sort of appreciate the idea of not having one grand final duel or something, because that’s not how it usually works in real life, but that she’d just shrug and not mercilessly hunt for the revenge she’s so clearly motivated by when everything she loves is falling apart around her again... that’s too much of a letdown to bear, really)

let me just... live in willful ignorance and pretend anything could happen from this point onward haha.

- let me give a final shout out to my boy gong su, who’s been hanging around since book 2 (!) and yet we do not know One Single personal detail about him for certain except that he sure knows how to handle knives. that’s some good spy shit right there, he knows what he’s about

#temeraire #blood of tyrants #willzing #william laurence x tenzing tharkay #aaaaaaaaand last one for a while! I had a lot of fun with this one even though I lost focus for weeks at a time at some points haha #that's not the book's fault that's very much a me problem

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seven-oomen · 4 years

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Okay, this probably won’t be that long, because I have an early shift in the morning, and really should probably already be in bed. But, I am very glad to hear from you again, even if things are shitty right now. Also, omg, again, you are not a dick for focusing on your mental health for a while. I figured there was a good chance that was part of what was going on. I have multiple friends who have pulled back from various social media, because shit is just really fucked up right now, and most people are having trouble dealing, without any extra issues on top of it.

I’m really sorry about your therapists, and hope you can either find some equally helpful new ones, or maybe follow your old ones if they end up somewhere else? Would having official diagnoses possibly help make your old employer more cooperative about the unemployment stuff? And that sucks about the whole reducing how much welfare you get if people help you thing. The US has similar stupid issues with some of their programs. I have a friend on disability that has to be careful how much child support she gets from her ex at a time because if she has too much in savings she could lose her disability. Which is ridiculous on so many levels, but hey, what else would I expect from this country at this point?

Things at work/in my city have somewhat settled down at this point. Protests are still happening, and the cops are still being assholes, but slightly less so than before. Things aren’t not good necessarily, but they’re better. And while I still have to fight the urge to throw elbows with customers who can’t understand proper social distancing, work has been okay on that front at least. My schedule has been all over the place due to various people on vacation/medical leave, but thankfully nothing covid related.

Speaking of vacations, I did finally get a few days off, even though I did not get as much done as I’d hoped. I did get at least a few items checked off my list however, so that’s something. The most entertaining part was after I finally cleaned out my “bar cabinet” as such, and tossed all the old and/or opened liqueurs left by past roommates and guests that hadn’t been touched, in some cases, in years. I didn’t toss everything, but it was a pretty fair amount, and as I was taking out my recycling afterwards I just kept praying I wouldn’t run into any neighbors lest they decide to stage an intervention (so…many…empty…bottles…)

I’m trying to get into the holiday spirit this year, but between (probable) executive dysfunction and rollercoastering anxiety, it’s been sporadic at best. I added some more songs to the Halloween mix on my computer, so now it’s nearly 10 hours of music, so I’ve been playing it to try and help. I have a decent amount of decorations up now, and I caved and bought two frankly huge pumpkins at the grocery the other day that I now have to figure out what to do with. One of my friends is trying to arrange a spooky gift exchange since we can’t have any of the parties we normally would, so we’ll see how that goes.

And I will definitely get that story dug back out and give it a going over as soon as I have a free day. I think it was pretty much done, but it’s been a little bit since I looked at it because I’ve been trying to get further in my current WIP (I need to listen to that “Just write the scene” post, because that’s one of my main issues right now, thinking of scenes for later and getting irritated because I’m not that far in the plot yet.) And I very much still love that universe, and think of those assholes fairly often.

Holy crud, it’s later than I realized. To sum up, I’m very glad that you’re still here, and if getting through stuff requires the occasional tumblr sabbatical, that is absolutely okay. Take care of you first. And if you want to email me, you can, that’s an older email address, but I do still check it sometimes. Be warned, however, that I am pretty much fuckall useless for any helpful advice. My main skill is to be awkwardly yet earnestly encouraging while having no real clue what to say. But I’m here. And on a related note, I continue to be awed and impressed at the way you refuse to let any of this stop you, and keep pushing through despite everything, even if it doesn’t feel that way from your side of the view. (I hope that made sense. Like I said, not so great with the practical advice/support, but I assure you the sentiment it there.) I’m glad you’re doing the best you can, and that Mo is doing okay (I didn’t know he’d been having issues, poor kitty!) Sending all the hope and positive energy (to both of you!) *Hugs!*

Nah but I feel like a dick for not saying anything or responding to anyone on here and I feel like a dick for worrying people. And for that, I do owe you an apology.

(I also recognize that this is probably one of these things that was hammered into me and is a residual thing I still do. I apologize for everything.)

And honestly, it’s really appreciated. It really doesn’t feel like it no, but the logical part of me does agree with you on that one. And I’m really glad you’re still around <3

Mo’s doing okay despite his arthosis, he was limping a little last week but the new food seems to be working and it’s slowly easing again. He seems to be a lot happier now.

Ooh, Spooky gift exchange sounds like a blast though! I was going to go ghost hunting but one of my friends has COVID at the moment and we’re going into a second intelligent lock down over here.

(You’d think the Dutch would be better at social distancing and wearing masks... but- yeah, more and more people seem to be doing the typical annoying Dutch habit of me me me and fuck everybody else and I’m not going to be controlled by my government and wear a muzzle. And yeah, we have a semi-curfew now and Germany has already decided to close its border to us.)

So I definitely get how it might feel for you guys and I’m really sorry people are being dicks to you. If I could slap them I would. <3

I’m glad you got to take a few days off though, sounds like it was really something you needed and I’m happy you got to tick some boxes.

Also this is the funniest thing I’ve read all day:

The most entertaining part was after I finally cleaned out my “bar cabinet” as such, and tossed all the old and/or opened liqueurs left by past roommates and guests that hadn’t been touched, in some cases, in years. I didn’t toss everything, but it was a pretty fair amount, and as I was taking out my recycling afterwards I just kept praying I wouldn’t run into any neighbors lest they decide to stage an intervention (so…many…empty…bottles…)

Cause it kinda gives me the image of Noah doing that when he’s clearing out his own house to prepare for the move to the Hale house. And he clears out some of the old bottles of alcohol. And my brain keeps supplying the image where his family catches him in the act and stages an intervention for him.

Idk why that’s so funny to me.

Glad your neighbours didn’t catch you though XD.

It is kinda late over here too so I’mma head in and catch some zzzz’s. Hope your day went well!

#ben says stuff #my convos with anon #B #submission

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asfeedin · 4 years

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European soccer, UEFA can use common sense to finish 2019-20 season. PLUS

We’re no closer to knowing when soccer might return to action given the global reaction to slowing the coronavirus outbreak, but there’s still a lot happening in the broader soccer world. Gab Marcotti reacts to the main talking points in the latest Monday Musings.

Jump to: Common sense must rule | Dutch league vacates title | | Harsh lesson for Kean

European leagues free to use common sense around how to end the 2019-20 season

Memo to decision-makers around Europe’s top leagues: the rules and bylaws that govern the game weren’t handed down by a higher being. They were made by people who didn’t (and couldn’t) envision anything like the current pandemic-induced shutdown. That said, because they are man-made, there’s nothing wrong in rewriting them if it suits the common good, and UEFA’s executive committee statement last Thursday took a general step in that direction.

– Stream new episodes of ESPN FC Monday-Friday on ESPN+ – Stream every episode of 30 for 30: Soccer Stories on ESPN+

There’s an “ideal scenario” in which the public health situation improves, every top-flight fixture gets played and they even squeeze in the remainder of the 2019-20 Europa League and Champions League seasons by August. Great. That’s the goal. Fingers crossed. Then there’s the uncomfortable reality: what to do if you can’t finish.

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UEFA says the season can only be terminated early under two circumstances. One is if governments prohibit sporting activity until a certain date and you simply run out of time to end this season and start the next one. (They don’t specify a start date for next season, but according to multiple sources, they want 2020-21 to start in September at the latest — pandemic permitting, of course.) The other is if there are “insurmountable economic problems” that make finishing the season “impossible” because it would jeopardize the long-term financial stability of clubs.

The first scenario is self-explanatory. The second is a catchall that can really be extended to everyone, if necessary, but is meant primarily for leagues without big TV contracts, where income comes primarily from gate receipts. Playing safely behind closed doors is expensive, and doing so for free or close to it, where there is no broadcast cash at stake, will hurt clubs financially.

But if seasons do end early, what to do?

Let’s be clear here: It’s not UEFA’s call, per se. If leagues want to shut up shop now and award titles based on cumulative squad numbers or alphabetical order, they’re free to do so — at least in theory. Equally, if they want to keep playing through 2021, they can do that too — in theory.

Dan Thomas is joined by Craig Burley, Shaka Hislop and a host of other guests every day as football plots a path through the coronavirus crisis. Stream on ESPN+ (U.S. only).

In practice, every league wants access to UEFA competitions — and the revenue they bring — and therefore will apply UEFA guidelines. Those guidelines emphasise a simple concept: sporting merit.

Some have focused on how they stop countries from declaring leagues “null and void,” which means the 2019-20 season is invalidated as if it never took place, wiping everything from the record books. That’s plain common sense. You can’t pretend things that happened never actually took place.

The real point here is that UEFA want teams to qualify for 2020-21 based on what they did in 2019-20; they’re just leaving it up to the leagues in terms of how to do it. If you don’t have enough time to complete all the fixtures, but can play some of them, you may want to opt for a playoff system to settle European places, titles or relegation. Or you can take the table as it was when play ended, or you can use average points. Or weighted points. Or whatever system your nerds come up with. The only condition is that it has to reflect what actually happened on the pitch while also being objective, transparent and nondiscriminatory. (This bit basically means you can’t send Manchester United into the Champions’ League instead of Leicester City because you think it benefits your league.)

That’s it. Everything else, from who to crown as champion to who to relegate to how to divvy up domestic prize money (which is what some people really care about), is up to the individual league.

As for those situations that are less clear-cut? Just lock decision-makers in a proverbial room and find a solution.

play

1:39

Julien Laurens says the Bundesliga will be the first European league to resume despite a potential delay.

Take Serie A, where Juventus have a one-point lead over Lazio. Ask the clubs to vote: Juve, Lazio or “VACANT” (in which case, you don’t award a title). Relegation and promotion? Let’s face it: There’s one club suddenly making a ton more money and another club making a lot less money. So, for example, see if Norwich (bottom of the Premier League) and Leeds United (top of the Championship) can hammer out a deal. Maybe Norwich stays up but pays a chunk of their revenue next season to Leeds, or Leeds go up and do the reverse, sharing some of the cash bonanza with Norwich.

And if you can’t work it out and 20 adults in a (virtual) room can’t reach an agreement? Suck it up, don’t relegate anybody and promote the top teams from the second-flight. This wouldn’t be my choice, but hey, it’s down to which system stinks less at this point.

Read all the latest news and reaction from ESPN FC Senior Writer, Gabriele Marcotti.

The point here is that UEFA didn’t issue edicts or rules from on high. They offered guidelines — and reasonable ones — for leagues to follow if they want to play in their competitions. The rest is up the people who run the leagues and the clubs.

I hope it doesn’t come to this, though, because I hope we can continue playing and wrap things up on the pitch. But if we can’t, I hope they remember that these are exceptional times, usual rules and regulations need not apply and there is such a thing as reasonable, common-sense consensus. I hope they find it.

Dutch Eredivisie decides to end season

play

0:58

Jan-Joost van Gangelen thinks Dutch football may reverse the decision to effectively void the season.

The Dutch government’s decision to put ban all public gatherings until Sept. 1 means the Eredivisie won’t return and finish their 2019-20 season. There’s not much to argue about when decisions are made on a political level and not declaring the 2019-20 title vacant makes sense given that AZ Alkmaar and Ajax were level on points.

More complicated is what to do in terms of promotion and relegation, and here the Eredivisie becomes a test case for what we discussed above. The Dutch FA opted to have a consultative vote among the 34 clubs in the top two divisions (there are 38 teams, but four are the B-teams of top-flight clubs). Sixteen voted to enable promotion and relegation, nine voted against and nine abstained. Because there was no outright majority in favour of enabling promotion/relegation, the Dutch FA opted to freeze the situation.

Predictably this has sparked outrage and lawsuits from clubs like de Graafschap and Cambuur, who looked as if they had promotion all locked up. There’s a distinct possibility the courts might step in, and we may see a 20-team Eredivisie next season, but that would be far from ideal. Like I said earlier, though, there’s no good way to do this. Just “least bad” options. And you’re still holding out hope that some deal can be reached.

Don’t hate Ozil for turning down Arsenal pay cut

play

1:17

Gab Marcotti and Julien Laurens discuss Mesut Ozil’s decision to refuse a pay cut in the coronavirus crisis.

Mesut Ozil was turned into ubervillain No. 1 last week by some observers when reports emerged that he was one of two Arsenal players to turn down the club’s proposed 12.5% pay cut, which could reduce down to 7.5% or even zero if they hit certain targets.

– Laurens: Inside Arsenal’s pay cut controversy

Ozil already has two strikes against him in that he’s the club’s highest-paid player and his performances haven’t been much to write home about over the past two years. But depicting him as the epitome of greed is way off the mark. According to multiple sources, he was ready to accept an immediate wage deferral that would help with whatever cash flow issues the club might have had. And he was open to cutting his salary as well, once the club’s financial situation became clear and we understood just how hard the pandemic was affecting the books.

It’s an entirely reasonable stance, frankly. If his teammates, out of love for the club, agreed to rush into pay cuts without having an idea what Arsenal’s losses from the pandemic were going to be, that’s wonderful. But it’s unfair to slam Ozil for not going along with it.

A learning experience for Kean

Roughly this time last year, Moise Kean was coming off a run of scoring in six straight games (two of them for Italy, four of them for Juventus). He was one of Roberto Mancini’s bright young things at international level and some thought he could break into Juventus’ starting lineup alongside Paulo Dybala and Cristiano Ronaldo.

Fast-forward 12 months. He hasn’t been seen in an Italy shirt since, and in those 12 months, he has scored just one goal in 26 club appearances. And now he thinks it’s a good idea to violate social distancing laws by hosting a party at his house. Dumb as it was, it becomes exponentially dumber by allowing one of the attendees to take videos and send them out on Snapchat.

It’s straight out of the Kyle Walker Manual of Numbskullery. Everton say they are “appalled,” and rightly so. Kean is 20 years old and, evidently, not as mature as some would like him to be, in the same way many of us made stupid choices at that age. Let this serve as a lesson.

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i-need-a-cooler-name · 7 years

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Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's ♪♫ beautiful ♫♪. In the year negative a billion, Japan might not have been here. In the year negative forty thousand, it was here, and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island, and now there's lots of ♫ trees ♫. Because it's warmer. So now there's people on the island; they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology. Like stones, and bowls. Ding dong, it's the outside world, and they have technology from the future. Like really good metal, and ♪ crazy rice farms ♪. Now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own the farm, then you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survvvvive. So that makes you king. Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread all across the land, all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here (Hi), here (Chikushi), here (Izumo), here (Kibi), here (Yamato), here (Koshi), and here (Kenu). But this one (Yamato) was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly superperson, or emperor for short. Knock knock, get the door, it's religion. The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion 🎺🎺🎺 (Buddhism) from Baekje. "Please try this religion," he said. "No," said everybody. "Try iiiiit," he said. "no," said everybody again, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it. Then, the government was taken over by another clique (Taika). And they made some reforms , like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China's government, which is a government that governs more. "Hi China," they said. "Hi dipshit (wa, dwarf)," said China. "Can you call us something else, other than dipshit?" said Japan. "Like what?" said China. ♫♪"How about sunrise laaand?"♪♫ said Japan. And they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book. About themselves! And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while, right here (Kyoto, Heian Palace). And they conquered the north finally, get that squared away. A rich hipster named Kūkai is bored with modern Buddhism and visits China, learns a better version which is more ♫♪ spiritual ♪♫, comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be ♫♪ great ♪♫ for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dreamworld of art that they really didn't give a shit about running the country. So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit, from criminals? ♫♪ Hire a samurai. ♪♫ Everyone started hiring samurai. Rich important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. So they made their own military government, right here. They let the emperor still be emperor, but the shogun was actually in control. Breaking news, the Mongols have invaded China. "W̛e҉'ve i͟nv̕aded ̵Chi͠na̸," said the Mongols, "Pl͘e̶a̷se̵ ͝res͢p̛ȩc̷t u͢s҉,͜ or͜ el̕se w͞e ͟m̛igh͟t ͠i͝nvade͡ ̕y͜o̕u̕ ͡a͡s̕ ̡well̀.̢" "Okay," said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornadotyphoon. But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornadotyphoon. Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to Kyoto, and makes a new shogunate. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that's fine. ♫♪ Now there's more art. ♪♫ Like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. It's time for who's going to be the next shogun. Usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid. So he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says okay. But then the shogun has a kid. So now who's it gonna be? Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it's anybody's game. Knock knock, it's Europe. No, they're not here to take over, they just wanna sell some shit. Like clocks, and guns, and ♫♪ Jesus ♪♫. So that's cool. But everyone's still fighting each other for control. Now with guns! And wouldn't it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them? This clan (Imagawa) is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan (Oda) which is in the way. Surprise, smaller clan wins! And the leader of that clan (Oda Nobunaga) steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. And it goes very well. He's about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him, then someone else who works for him (Toyotomi Hideyoshi) kills them, and that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody's swords. And he made some rules. "Ąnd͟ n͟ow I'̛m̶ goińg̡ to ͘inva͞d̨e ͝Kor͟e͡a,̵ an͝d͢ ̶the̴n h͜op̷ef̕ull͏y ̵Chin͢a̛," he said, and failed, and also died. But before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said yeah right, it's not gonna be this kid, it's gonna be one of us. 'Cause we're grownups. And it's probably gonna be this guy (Tokugawa Ieyasu) who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people (Ishida Mitsunari) support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins. And starts a new government, right here. ♫♪ Edo ♫♪ And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor, and have very nice things. But don't get confused, this (Tokugawa family) is the new government. And they are very strict, so strict they close the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch, if they wanna buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here (Dejima). Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published. There was poetry (haiku), plays (kabuki), sexytimes, puppet shows (bunraku), and Dutch studies. People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow do- *impending doom music* Knock knock. It's the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats. "O͜pe͡ņ,̨ t͡he͏ ͘c̷o̷ưntry. ͠S̛t͜o̡p̛,̵ ҉ha͠v̀in͜g̷ i͝t̀ ͝be̴ ́clo͞sed.̢" said the United States. *music ends* There was really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. Chōshu and Satsuma hated this. "That sucks!" they said. "This sucks!!!" And with almost very little outside help, (from Britain) they overthrew the shogunate. And somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed eastern capital (Tokyo). They made a new government, which was a lot more Western. And they made a new constitution, which was.. pretty Western. And a military that was... pretty Western (large). And do you know what else is Western? That's right, it's conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea! They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further (Liaodong Peninsula). And Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "Stop no you can't do that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water." And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shitton of soldiers. Then, when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuckton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says, "Can you maybe chill?" And Russia says, "How 'bout maybe you chill?" Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You'll never guess who's alsokind of scared of Russia. Great Britain! So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, but just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. ♫♪ It's time for World War I ♪♫ The world is about to have a war. Because it's the 1900s, and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m̵͡͝͝o͏̨̨̢͢o͏͏̵̧̕ơ̢̢͜͜o͠͏͢ó͘o̶̢̧ó̷͝͠o͝͡o̧͘r̨̢̕ȩ̸ and the next thing on their list is this part of China (Qingdao) and lots of tiny islands. All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, who was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France's ass because France was friends with Russia who was getting ready to kick Austria's ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia's ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass. Err, actually, he shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan. So you know what that means, duhhh. ♫♪ Japan should take the islands. ♪♫ Which they wanted to do anyway. So they sort of called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know, and then they did it! And they also helped Britain here and there with some errands and stuff. *bell rings* Now the war is over, and congratulations Japan, you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table (Paris Peace Conference), with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. And you also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫♪ the League of Nations ♪♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The Great Depression is bad, and Japan's economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria. And the League of Nations is like ♪"No don't do that if you're in the League of Nations you're not supposed to try to take over the world."♪ And Japan said, ♫♪ How bout I do, anyway? ♪♫ And Japan invaded more and more and more of China, and was planning to invade the entire East. You've got mail. It's from Germany, the new leader of Germany, he has a cool mustache and is trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. ♫♪ It's time for World War II ♪♫ Germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors' neighbors, then, the neighbor's neighbors' neighbors, who happen to be Britain, said "Holy shiiit" and the United States started helping Britain because they are ♫♪ good friends ♪♫ and started not helping Japan because ♫♪" Their friends and our friends are not friends. Plus they're planning on invaaading the entire ocean."♪♫ The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb. Bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case (Germany). But they still haven't joined the war, war looks bad on TV, and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them, in Hawai'i, and challenges them to war. And they say yes! And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. And they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany. And they also chase Japan back into Japan. And they haven't used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works, so they drop it on Japan. They actually drop two. (You win.) The United States installed a new government, inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a ♫♪ post-war economic miracle ♪♫ and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can. And also better than everybody else. They get rich, and the economy goes wild. But then the miracle wears off, but everything's still pretty cool I guess. ♪♫ Bye. ♫♪

#japan #bill wurtz #history #history of japan #history of the entire world i guess #meme #memes

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captainswan618 · 7 years

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History of Japan 2.0

Made using this bot

I’m so sorry.

Japan is an island by the sea woefully filled with volcanoes and it’s ♫beautiful♫.

In the period of pain -1,000,000,000, Japan might not have been here. In the year -40,000, it was here and you could gracefully amble to it; and some people walked to it. Then, it got warmer, some ice bergs melted, it became an island, and now there’s lots of trees because it’s warmer.

So now, there’s fellow-beings on the island. They’re basically sort of hanging out (in between the mountains), ravenously devouring nuts off trees, and using the latest technology like stones and bowls.

Ding dong. It’s the outside world and they have technology from the future like really good metal and crazy rice farms. Now thou can make a lot of rice really, really, quickly. That means if you own a farm, you own a lot of unpalatable sustenance. Which is something everybody truly requires to survive. So that makes you king. I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat.

Rice farming as well as rice kingdoms spread across the land all the way to here. “The most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here, and here” replied Oliver, “I want some more” However, this one was the most most important. Ruled by a “heavenly superperson” or (emperor) for short.

Knock knock. Get the portal of change, it’s Religion.

The new prince wants everyone to meagerly attempt this hot new religion from Baekje.

“Please try this philosophy of dogmatists.” he assuredly declared.

—No", he growled incoherently!“ said the indifferent populace.

"Try it” he viciously screamed.

“No.” said everybody again, quieter this time.

And so, the religion was put into place and all of the rules that voraciously came with it. A good writer possesses not only his own spirit but also the spirit of his friends.

Then, the government was taken o'er by another clique, and they made some reforms like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China’s government, which is a government that governs more.

“Hi, China.” They assuredly declared.

“Hi, dipshit” viciously screamed China.

“Can thou call us something else, other than `dipshit’?” said Japan.

—Like what" said she, in the same hurried passionate whisper?“ said China.

"♫How about sunrise land?♫” said Japan.

And they stole China’s alphabet and ceremonious) scribed a book. “About themselves”, he growled incoherently. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore about themselves. Then, they quickly ceased moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while. Right here. And they, who didn’t smell the fire burning, conquered the north, finally. “Get that squared away” replied Oliver, “I want some more! … An hour behind the fleeting breath,’

A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits China, and learns a better version which is more ♫spiritual♫, comes back, re-invents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to zealously be ♫great♫ for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a dung heap about running the country.

So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your rubbish from criminals?

"♫Hire a samurai♫” said she, in the same hurried passionate whisper

Everyone eagerly began hiring samurai.

*Rich important fellow-beings hired samurai.

*Poor people who unquestionably could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai.

The samurai zealously became organized and powerful; more powerful than the government. So they, who didn’t smell the fire burning, made their own military government here. "They are Ty mounting up, Handel,” Herbert would say; “upon my life, they are mounting up.”… I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat.

Breaking news. The Mongols hath invaded China.

“W̖͖̣̬̰̮͐ͯͩ̔͊e̥̜͕̱̝̓ͅ'̇ͪͫͮ́̈́v̞̼͍̿̋͌ê͓̜͎̪̼̻̦̆ i͈̣̬̘n͖̹͈̫͚͎͇͊ͬv̮͈͕͚͔͆́̌͊̀a̦̓d͆̄̄͊̃ͦ͒ḛ̖̮̭̦̗̾̈́̃ͪ̈́d̐ͧ C̘͒͑̃͒ͥ̚h̻̖̯̝̠̩͎̎̉̓̿̂̈́i̫͎̬͈̎̿̈́̆̄ͭn͙̮͉̖̑͛̿͗̚a͙̼͆.͈͇̠͖̭͎͍ͧ̆̍̆̂̆” assuredly declared the Mongols.

“Please respect us, or else we of a certain disposition might invade you as well.”

“"Okay” said she, in the same hurried passionate whisper.“ viciously screamed Japan.

So the Mongols voraciously came over, ready for war, and died in a tornado. But they meagerly attempted again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornado. Then, the emperor overthrows the shogun. Then, the shogun overthrows them back, and rapidly moves to Kyoto and makes a new shogun. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he intensely desires, that’s fine.

♫Presently there’s more art♫

"Painting with less colors” replied Oliver, “I want some more”! Collaborative poetry. Plays. Monkey jocose. Tea parties. “Gardening”, he growled incoherently. Architecture. Flowers. A good writer possesses not only his own spirit but also the spirit of his friends.

It was very quiet indeed, as if it’s time for who’s going to zealously be the next shogun?

Usually, it’s the shoguns kid, but the shogun doesn’t hath a kid. So he meagerly attempts to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He assuredly declares, “Okay.” But then the shogun distinctly has a kid. So now, who’s it going to be? Morality is the herd-instinct in the individual. Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on halo of a world of loveless suffering and burned down. The shogun actually didn’t care. He was a snub-nosed, flat-browed, common-faced boy; he was in danger of fainting from exhaustion; none the less because he was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces.

Is everyone fighting with each other for local relentless determination, and it’s anybody’s game?

Knock knock. It distinctly had a black canal in it, and a river that ran purple with ill-smelling dye, and vast piles of building full of windows where there was a rattling and a trembling all day long, and where the piston of the steam-engine worked monotonously up and down, like the head of an elephant in a state of melancholy madness.

No, they’re not here to take o'er. They just intensely desire to sell some drivel like clocks and guns and ♫Jesus♫. So that’s cool, however, everyone’s still fighting each other for control. Now with guns. As well as wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital? Which at this a creature of perish hour is puppets, with no one controlling them.

This clan is ready to make a lithely dash for it. But first, they hath to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. “Surprise”, he growled incoherently. The smaller clan emphatically wins, and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. As well as it goes very well. He’s about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for that magnanimous being kills him. And then someone else who works for that dastardly vagabond kills them. And that sorely shaken soul ultimately concludes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody’s swords, and made some rules.

“And presently I’m going to invade Korea and then hopefully China,” a swaggering scoundrel, he assuredly declared.

“And failed” said she, in the same hurried passionate whisper.

And also decreased the surplus population. I wish I could write as mysterious as a cat.

Before he died he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he’s old enough to zealously be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys assuredly declared, “Yeah, right. It is a fair, even-handed, noble adjustment of things; it’s not gonna be this kid. It’s gonna be one of us because we of a certain disposition are grownups.” And it’s probably gonna be this guy, who inevitably happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support that magnanimous being, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight and he wins and eagerly begins a new government right here.

“♫~Edo~♫” replied Oliver, “I want some more”

And he still lets the emperor gown that Dante deified like an emperor and have very nice things. But don’t get decidedly nonplussed; this is the new government and they are (very strict). So strict, that they tightly sealed the country. No one can flee, and no one can come in, except for the Dutch, if they want to buy and sell dung heap. But they have to do it right here. An hour behind the fleeting breath,

Now that the entire sovereign commonwealth was not at war with itself, population increased a lot. “Business increased”, he growled incoherently. Schools were built. Roads were built. Everyone tenuously grasped to read. Old volumes with vellum heads were published. There was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and Dutch excogitates.

People started studying European science from books they greedily acquired from the Dutch. We’re confabulating geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity.

Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity commenced to gradually slow down.

“Knock knock” replied Oliver, “I want some more”. It had a black canal in it, and a river that ran purple with ill-smelling dye, and vast piles of building full of windows where there was a rattling and a trembling all day long, and where the piston of the steam-engine worked monotonously up and down, like the head of an elephant in a state of melancholy madness.

With huge boats (with guns). Gunboats.

“Open. "The country” said she, in the same hurried passionate whisper. Quickly cease having it be closed.“ assuredly declared the United States.

There’s really nothing they unquestionably could do, so they signed a contract that lets the United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. Choshu as well as Satsuma hated this.

"That sucks.” they assuredly declared.

“This sucks! Nevermore!”

And with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogun, and somehow, made the emperor, the emperor again, and rapidly moved him to Edo, which they renamed, “Eastern Capital.” They, who didn’t smell the fire burning, made a new government, which was a lot more western. “They are mounting up, Handel,” Herbert would say; “upon my life, they are mounting up.”“ And a military that was…Pretty western” replied Oliver, “I want some more”.

And do you know what else was western? That’s right, it’s conquering stuff. So, what can we conquer? There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths. Korea. They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further, and Russia rushes in out of nowhere and assuredly declares, “Quickly cease. No, you can’t take that. We of a certain disposition were gonna build a railroad through here to meagerly attempt to get some warm aqueous solution.”

And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a dregs ton of soldiers. And then, when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a behest ton. Did I assuredly declare “downgrade”? There are no eternal facts, as there are no absolute truths. “I meant "upgrade”, he growled incoherently.“

As well as Japan assuredly declares:

“Can thou maybe chill?”

And Russia says:

“How about maybe you chill?“

Japan is kind of aghast of Russia. "You’ll never audacious generalization who‘s also kind of scared of Russia” replied Oliver, “I want some more”. Great Britain. So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can zealously be a little less scared of Russia. Deeply confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and quickly cease. Procrastination is the thief of time, collar him.

♫~lt‘s time for Holy globe War 1~♫

The world is about to have a histrionic quarrel. Because it’s the 1900s and weapons are getting stark mad. And all these empires are excited to meagerly attempt them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan distinctly has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m̞͇̲̗̖̥͚̬o̬̹͖̜ͅr̞̫͚e̲̹͉̩ and the next thing on their list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands.

All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, which was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s downtrodden mule because France was friends with Russia, who was getting ready to kick Austria’s downtrodden mule because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia’s pale-faced moon because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s downtrodden mule. Or, actually, shot him in the head. And Britain was currently sorrowful company with Japan, so you know what that means. Duh.

♫Japan undoubtedly should take the islands♫

Which, they intensely desired to do anyways. So they called Britain on the tele to sort of let them know. And then they did it. And they also gallantly aided Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff. THE END

Now the histrionic quarrel is o'er, and congratulations, Japan. You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And, yes, Japan gets to keep all that dregs they, who didn’t smell the fire burning, stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance.

“♫The League of Nations♫", he growled incoherently.

Whose mission statement is to meagerly attempt not to take over the world.

The Great Depression is egregious, and Japan’s economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, as well as it invades Manchuria, and the League of Nations is like:

“No, don’t do that, if you’re in the League of Nations you’re not supposed to take over the world! Nevermore!”

“And Japan is like: ” said she, in the same hurried passionate whisper

“♫~ How about I do, anyway?~♫"

And Japan invaded more and more and more of China and was planning to invade the entire east. … An hour behind the ﬂeeting breath,

You’ve got mail.

It’s from Germany. The new leader of Germany. He distinctly has a cool mustache, and he’s trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all quixotically decided to be friends because they had so much in common.

♫~lt‘s time for World War 2~♫

Germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors’ neighbors, then the neighbors’ neighbors’ neighbors who happen to be Britain said, “♫Holy dung heap♫" And the United States started helping Britain because they are ♫Good friends♫. And started not gallantly aiding Japan because ♫their friends and our friends are not friends. Plus they‘re planning on invading the entire gallant sea♫. The United States is also relentlessly toiling

on a large, very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case. But they still haven’t joined the histrionic quarrel. War looks egregious on T.V., and the United States is really, eagerly beginning to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them

in Hawaii, and challenges them to war. And they assuredly declare, “Yes.” And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the Unites States also. THE END

So the United States goes to war in Europe and they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany and they also eagerly begin chasing Japan back into Japan. and they haven’t used the bomb yet and are curious to see if it works.

So they, who didn’t smell the ﬁre burning, drop it on Japan.

“They are mounting up, Handel,” Herbert would say; “upon my life, they are mounting up.”

“United States installed a new government inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a ♫post-war economic miracle♫” said she, in the same hurried passionate whisper. And Japan eagerly begins making T.Vs, V.C.R.s, automobiles, and camcorders, as fast as they can, and also better than the indifferent populace else.

They get rich as well as the economy goes wild. “And then the miracle wears off” replied Oliver, “I want some more”. But everything‘s still pretty cool, I audacious generalization

♫Heartily farewell.♫

#history of japan #charles dickens #emily dickinson #fyodor dostoevsky #friedrich nietzsche #edgar allan poe #william shakespeare #im sorry

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cyclopeansoldier · 7 years

Quote

Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's ♪♫ beautiful ♫♪. In the year negative a billion, Japan might not have been here. In the year negative forty thousand, it was here, and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island, and now there's lots of ♫ trees ♫. Because it's warmer. So now there's people on the island; they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology. Like stones, and bowls. Ding dong, it's the outside world, and they have technology from the future. Like really good metal, and ♪ crazy rice farms ♪. Now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own the farm, then you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survvvvive. So that makes you king. Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread all across the land, all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here (Hi), here (Chikushi), here (Izumo), here (Kibi), here (Yamato), here (Koshi), and here (Kenu). But this one (Yamato) was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly superperson, or emperor for short. Knock knock, get the door, it's religion. The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion 🎺🎺🎺 (Buddhism) from Baekje. "Please try this religion," he said. "No," said everybody. "Try iiiiit," he said. "no," said everybody again, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it. Then, the government was taken over by another clique (Taika). And they made some reforms , like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China's government, which is a government that governs more. "Hi China," they said. "Hi dipshit (wa, dwarf)," said China. "Can you call us something else, other than dipshit?" said Japan. "Like what?" said China. ♫♪"How about sunrise laaand?"♪♫ said Japan. And they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book. About themselves! And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while, right here (Kyoto, Heian Palace). And they conquered the north finally, get that squared away. A rich hipster named Kūkai is bored with modern Buddhism and visits China, learns a better version which is more ♫♪ spiritual ♪♫, comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be ♫♪ great ♪♫ for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dreamworld of art that they really didn't give a shit about running the country. So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit, from criminals? ♫♪ Hire a samurai. ♪♫ Everyone started hiring samurai. Rich important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. So they made their own military government, right here. They let the emperor still be emperor, but the shogun was actually in control. Breaking news, the Mongols have invaded China. "W̛e҉'ve i͟nv̕aded ̵Chi͠na̸," said the Mongols, "Pl͘e̶a̷se̵ ͝res͢p̛ȩc̷t u͢s҉,͜ or͜ el̕se w͞e ͟m̛igh͟t ͠i͝nvade͡ ̕y͜o̕u̕ ͡a͡s̕ ̡well̀.̢" "Okay," said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornadotyphoon. But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornadotyphoon. Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to Kyoto, and makes a new shogunate. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that's fine. ♫♪ Now there's more art. ♪♫ Like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. It's time for who's going to be the next shogun. Usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid. So he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says okay. But then the shogun has a kid. So now who's it gonna be? Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it's anybody's game. Knock knock, it's Europe. No, they're not here to take over, they just wanna sell some shit. Like clocks, and guns, and ♫♪ Jesus ♪♫. So that's cool. But everyone's still fighting each other for control. Now with guns! And wouldn't it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them? This clan (Imagawa) is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan (Oda) which is in the way. Surprise, smaller clan wins! And the leader of that clan (Oda Nobunaga) steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. And it goes very well. He's about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him, then someone else who works for him (Toyotomi Hideyoshi) kills them, and that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody's swords. And he made some rules. "Ąnd͟ n͟ow I'̛m̶ goińg̡ to ͘inva͞d̨e ͝Kor͟e͡a,̵ an͝d͢ ̶the̴n h͜op̷ef̕ull͏y ̵Chin͢a̛," he said, and failed, and also died. But before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said yeah right, it's not gonna be this kid, it's gonna be one of us. 'Cause we're grownups. And it's probably gonna be this guy (Tokugawa Ieyasu) who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people (Ishida Mitsunari) support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins. And starts a new government, right here. ♫♪ Edo ♫♪ And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor, and have very nice things. But don't get confused, this (Tokugawa family) is the new government. And they are very strict, so strict they close the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch, if they wanna buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here (Dejima). Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published. There was poetry (haiku), plays (kabuki), sexytimes, puppet shows (bunraku), and Dutch studies. People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow do- *impending doom music* Knock knock. It's the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats. "O͜pe͡ņ,̨ t͡he͏ ͘c̷o̷ưntry. ͠S̛t͜o̡p̛,̵ ҉ha͠v̀in͜g̷ i͝t̀ ͝be̴ ́clo͞sed.̢" said the United States. *music ends* There was really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. Chōshu and Satsuma hated this. "That sucks!" they said. "This sucks!!!" And with almost very little outside help, (from Britain) they overthrew the shogunate. And somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed eastern capital (Tokyo). They made a new government, which was a lot more Western. And they made a new constitution, which was.. pretty Western. And a military that was... pretty Western (large). And do you know what else is Western? That's right, it's conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea! They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further (Liaodong Peninsula). And Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "Stop no you can't do that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water." And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shitton of soldiers. Then, when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuckton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says, "Can you maybe chill?" And Russia says, "How 'bout maybe you chill?" Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You'll never guess who's also kind of scared of Russia. Great Britain! So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, but just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. ♫♪ It's time for World War I ♪♫ The world is about to have a war. Because it's the 1900s, and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m̵͡͝͝o͏̨̨̢͢o͏͏̵̧̕ơ̢̢͜͜o͠͏͢ó͘o̶̢̧ó̷͝͠o͝͡o̧͘r̨̢̕ȩ̸ and the next thing on their list is this part of China (Qingdao) and lots of tiny islands. All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, who was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France's ass because France was friends with Russia who was getting ready to kick Austria's ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia's ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass. Err, actually, he shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan. So you know what that means, duhhh. ♫♪ Japan should take the islands. ♪♫ Which they wanted to do anyway. So they sort of called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know, and then they did it! And they also helped Britain here and there with some errands and stuff. *bell rings* Now the war is over, and congratulations Japan, you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table (Paris Peace Conference), with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. And you also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫♪ the League of Nations ♪♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The Great Depression is bad, and Japan's economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria. And the League of Nations is like ♪"No don't do that if you're in the League of Nations you're not supposed to try to take over the world."♪ And Japan said, ♫♪ How bout I do, anyway? ♪♫ And Japan invaded more and more and more of China, and was planning to invade the entire East. You've got mail. It's from Germany, the new leader of Germany, he has a cool mustache and is trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. ♫♪ It's time for World War II ♪♫ Germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors' neighbors, then, the neighbor's neighbors' neighbors, who happen to be Britain, said "Holy shiiit" and the United States started helping Britain because they are ♫♪ good friends ♪♫ and started not helping Japan because ♫♪" Their friends and our friends are not friends. Plus they're planning on invaaading the entire ocean."♪♫ The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb. Bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case (Germany). But they still haven't joined the war, war looks bad on TV, and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them, in Hawai'i, and challenges them to war. And they say yes! And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. And they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany. And they also chase Japan back into Japan. And they haven't used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works, so they drop it on Japan. They actually drop two. (You win.) The United States installed a new government, inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a ♫♪ post-war economic miracle ♪♫ and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can. And also better than everybody else. They get rich, and the economy goes wild. But then the miracle wears off, but everything's still pretty cool I guess. ♪♫ Bye. ♫♪

History of Japan by Bill Wurtz

#history of japan

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blue-ultramarine · 8 years

Text

Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it’s ♫beautiful♫.

In the year -1,000,000,000, Japan might not have been here. In the year -40,000, it was here and you could walk to it; and some people walked to it. Then, it got warmer, some ice bergs melted, it became an island, and now there’s lots of trees because it’s warmer.

So now, there’s people on the island. They’re basically sort of hanging out (in between the mountains), eating nuts off trees, and using the latest technology like stones and bowls.

Ding dong. It’s the outside world and they have technology from the future like really good metal and crazy rice farms. Now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own a farm, you own a lot of food. Which is something everybody needs to survive. So that makes you king.

Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread across the land all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here, here, here, here, here, here, and here. But this one was the most most important. Ruled by a “heavenly superperson” or (emperor) for short.

Knock knock. Get the door, it’s Religion. The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion from baekje.

“Please try this religion.” he said.

“No.” said everybody.

“Try it” he said.

“No.” said everybody again, quieter this time.

And so, the religion was put into place and all of the rules that came with it.

Then, the government was taken over by another clique, and they made some reforms like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China’s government, which is a government that governs more.

“Hi, China.” They said.

“Hi, dipshit” said China.

“Can you call us something else, other than ‘dipshit’?” said Japan.

“Like what?” said China.

“♫How about sunrise land?♫” said Japan. And they stole China’s alphabet and wrote a book. About themselves. And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then, they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while. Right here. And they conquered the north, finally. Get that squared away.

A rich hipster named Kukai is bored with modern buddhism, visits China, and learns a better version which is more ♫spiritual♫, comes back, re-invents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be ♫great♫ for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dream world of art that they really didn’t give a shit about running the country.

So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit from criminals?

♫Hire a samurai♫ Everyone started hiring samurai.

*Rich important people hired samurai. *Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful; more powerful than the government. So they made their own military government here. They let the emperor still be “emperor”, but the shogun is actually in control.

Breaking news. The Mongols have invaded China.

“W̖͖̣̬̰̮͐ͯͩ̔͊e̥̜͕̱̝̓ͅ'̇ͪͫͮ́̈́v̞̼͍̿̋͌ê͓̜͎̪̼̻̦̆ i͈̣̬̘n͖̹͈̫͚͎͇͊ͬv̮͈͕͚͔͆́̌͊̀a̦̓d͆̄̄͊̃ͦ͒ḛ̖̮̭̦̗̾̈́̃ͪ̈́d̐ͧ C̘͒͑̃͒ͥ̚h̻̖̯̝̠̩͎̎̉̓̿̂̈́i̫͎̬͈̎̿̈́̆̄ͭn͙̮͉̖̑͛̿͗̚a͙̼͆.͈͇̠͖̭͎͍ͧ̆̍̆̂̆”said the Mongols.

“Please respect us, or else we might invade you as well.”

“Okay.” said Japan.

So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornado. But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornado. Then, the emperor overthrows the shogun. Then, the shogun overthrows them back, and moves to Kyoto and makes a new shogun. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that’s fine.

♫Now there’s more art♫ Painting with less colors. Collaborative poetry. Plays. Monkey fun. Tea parties. Gardening. Architecture. Flowers.

It’s time for who’s going to be the next shogun?

Usually, it’s the shoguns kid, but the shogun doesn’t have a kid. So he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says, “Okay.” But then the shogun has a kid. So now, who’s is going to be? Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn’t care. He was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces.

Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it’s anybody’s game.

Knock knock. It’s Europe. No, they’re not here to take over. They just want to sell some shit like clocks and guns and ♫Jesus♫. So that’s cool, but everyone’s still fighting each other for control. Now with guns. And wouldn’t it be nice to control the capital? Which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them.

This clan is ready to make a run for it. But first, they have to trample this smaller clan which is in the way. Surprise. The smaller clan wins, and the leader of that clan steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. And it goes very well. He’s about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him. And then someone else who works for him kills them. And that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody’s swords, and made some rules.

“And now I’m going to invade Korea and then hopefully China.” he said.

And failed.

And also died.

Before he died he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he’s old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said, “Yeah, right. It’s not gonna be this kid. It’s gonna be one of us because we’re grownups.” And it’s probably gonna be this guy, who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people support not supporting him. They have a fight and he wins and starts a new government right here.

♫~Edo~♫ And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor and have very nice things. But don’t get confused; this is the new government and they are (very strict). So strict, that they closed the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in, except for the Dutch, if they want to buy an sell shit. But they have to do it right here.

Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, population increased a lot. Business increased. Schools were built. Roads were built. Everyone learned to read. Books were published. There was poetry, plays, sexy times, puppet shows, and Dutch studies.

People started studying European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We’re talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity.

Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow down.

Knock knock. It’s the United States. With huge boats (with guns). Gunboats.

“Open. The country. Stop having it be closed.” said the United States.

There’s really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets the United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. Choshu and Satsuma hated this.

“That sucks.” they said.

“This sucks!”

And with almost very little outside help, they overthrew the shogun, and somehow, made the emperor, the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed, “Eastern Capital.” They made a new government, which was a lot more western. They made a new constitution, that was pretty western. And a military that was… Pretty western.

And do you know what else was western? That’s right, it’s conquering stuff. So, what can we conquer? Korea. They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further, and Russia rushes in out of no where and says, “Stop. No, you can’t take that. We were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water.”

And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shit ton of soldiers. And then, when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuck ton. Did I say “downgrade”? I meant “upgrade.”

And Japan says:

“Can you maybe chill?”

And Russia says:

“How about maybe you chill?” Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You’ll never guess who’s also kind of scared of Russia. Great Britain. So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop.

♫~It’s time for World War 1~♫ The world is about to have a war. Because it’s the 1900s and weapons are getting crazy. And all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m̞͇̲̗̖̥͚̬o̬̹͖̜ͅr̞̫͚e̲̹͉̩ and the next thing on their list is this part of China and lots of tiny islands.

All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, which was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France’s ass because France was friends with Russia, who was getting ready to kick Austria’s ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Seriba’s ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria’s ass. Or, actually, shot him in the head. And Britain was currently friends with Japan, so you know what that means. Duh.

♫Japan should take the islands♫ Which, they wanted to do anyways. So they called Britain on the tele to sort of let them know. And then they did it. And they also helped Britain a little here and there with some errands and stuff.

Now the war is over and, congratulations, Japan. You technically fought in the war, which means you get to sit at the negotiating table with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And, yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. You also get to join the post-war mega alliance.

♫The League of Nations♫ Whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world.

The Great Depression is bad, and Japan’s economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria, and the League of Nations is like:

“No, don’t do that, if you’re in the League of Nations you’re not supposed to take over the world!”

And Japan is like:

“♫~ How about I do, anyway?~♫”

And Japan invaded more and more and more of China and was planning to invade the entire east.

You’ve got mail.

It’s from Germany. The new leader of Germany. He has a cool mustache, and he’s trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common.

♫~It’s time for World War 2~♫ Germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors neighbors, then the neighbors neighbors neighbors who happen to be Britain said, “♫Holy shit♫" And the United States started helping Britain because they are ♫Good friends♫. And started not helping Japan because ♫their friends and our friends are not friends. Plus they’re planning on invading the entire ocean♫. The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb, bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case. But they still haven’t joined the war. War looks bad on T.V., and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them in Hawaii, and challenges them to war. And they say, “Yes.” And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the Unites States also.

So the United States goes to war in Europe and they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany and they also start chasing Japan back into Japan, and they haven’t used the bomb yet and are curious to see if it works.

So they drop it on Japan.

They actually drop two.

United States installed a new government inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a ♫post-war economic miracle♫. And Japan starts making T.Vs, V.C.R.s, automobiles, and camcorders, as fast as they can, and also better than everybody else.

They get rich and the economy goes wild. And then the miracle wears off. But everything’s still pretty cool, I guess.

♫Bye.♫

#history of Japan #shitpost

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shrapnelthots · 4 years

Text

I’m Ranting

Every time the sun rises I become more and more angry about colonialism and the way Canada has treated it’s indigenous population.

I’m 24 and just found out this month that I’m Woodland Cree. I knew my whole life that I was Cree, but I literally just learned that there are various types and dialects of Cree. I’m half native from my birth-mom’s side, and I remember as a small child adoring what minuscule amount of education we got about our indigenous culture and population in school. We had a small club for kids who were First Nations during lunch break. I consisted of one very wonderful woman and like..... 2 other kids. There were maybe a few more, 5 or 6 in total, but no one showed up consistently. She would teach us different crafts and tell us the old stories while we worked. I’ve always had a love for learning about my culture.

The other kids didn’t like me there. I look about as white as they come. They told me I didn’t belong there, and most didn’t believe me when I said I was Native too. It sucked.

Then, when I would go back and hang out with my friend group they would make fun of me for hanging out with the “Weird Native kids” and for being interested in listening to the “Boring old people” tell “dumb stories” or talk about their own life growing up. When I told my white friends I was Native they said “That sucks” or “Well you’re half normal too” and either made fun of my heritage or tried to dismiss it altogether.

So I stopped going to the club and learning stories, and I stopped talking about being Native and instead pretended I wasn’t.

My birth-mom also never participated in anything from our culture, and when she caught my grandpa patiently teaching me the language she got mad at me and said that I would get in trouble if I ever spoke it in public, and then had a very stern talk with my grandpa about how she didn’t want him teaching me anymore. I was 8. I learned that it was shameful and not okay to be interested in First Nation culture, and that I should never bring it up. I’m supposed to be white.

When I was 12 my birth-mom kicked me out of the house, and I found myself living with my dad. My mom (step-mom) and dad are great. I thought they were the perfect parents. They weren’t severely abusive drug addicts like my birth-mom, so obviously there were amazing.

We learned a crumb more about First Nations while in Jr. High, and it re-ignited my passion for my culture. I wanted to learn more. I wanted to know the language, the stories, traditions.....everything.

But my parents discouraged me from doing so. I was “too busy with real school” and “needed to focus on more important things” and besides I was “hardly native” anyway. It’s not like I grew up with it, and so it shouldn’t be that important. I eventually dropped it.

When I was 18 I I was talking with my parents about future tattoos I wanted. I mentioned that I thought it would be nice to get a tulip in the Dutch delft blue colour, to represent that I was half Dutch. My mom laughed at me and said that it would probably look stupid. And since I had started that idea by saying I wanted to get tattoos that represented my heritage she mockingly suggested that I get a windmill but with tomahawks instead of the windmill blades.

I can’t even count the number of time my parents actively made fun of First Nations culture, or complained about them whenever something was in the news about Chiefs being in negation with government officials.

That was so long ago, they should just get over it, they complain about the “white man” but still take our tax dollars, ect.

And it wasn’t just family, it was everywhere. Natives were dirty, alcoholics, thieves, greedy, out of touch, annoying....and whatever else you can think of.

I’m 24 and have no connection to my culture, and my grandfather, the last person in the family who knew anything about it passed away years ago. I feel so lost about my identity. I have a love and a passion about who I am and my people. And yet, I have no idea how to learn. Resources are few and far between. I finally decided to apply for my status. growing up I was told that I would never be able to get it because my grandpa refused to tell anyone who his father was. But I figured, there has to be record somewhere. In trying to do this, I learned that I don’t need that information. I just need to be able to provide my linage to the closest person who was registered. I did however, need to know what Band my family was from. With luck, and some searching through old childhood memories, I found which one it was.

I’ve since then, spent weeks on their website and any other place I could learn. I learned about the history of the Band, about traditions, and even a few words. I also learned more about Canadian laws regarding Indigenous People, how they’ve changed. The more I learn, the more angry I get.

I’m realizing that it wasn’t just culture and people’s racist uncomfortability with First Nation people that prevented me from learning about my culture and history, it’s been woven into the very fabric of our laws. All the horrible things didn’t happen “forever ago” like I was taught. There were amendments made in 2007 that finally allowed women who had married white men to get their status back (because if she had she lost her status). 2007. Only 13 years ago. I’m furious.

“ I...was raised within a system that lauded Canada’s achievements at home and especially internationally. We celebrate the good stories and occasionally mention some of the bad things in a ‘those were different times’ sense. The overriding narrative is that Canada has always tried its best. It is a good country that has sometimes done bad things.“

“ Canada’s history is littered with abuses. If we want Canada to live up to a reputation as a nation that respects human rights, we have to face the horrors of the past, head on. We have to acknowledge what was done, and how people managed to justify these things. “

There’s so many things I want to rant about and scream until people hear me, and know what has happened. But I can’t, and I’m certainly not eloquent enough to teach people polity.

What I’m left with, is this feeling of missing something hugely important in my life, and not knowing how to get it back. Because after all I’m just “some white girl“ who shouldn’t be learning about all this.

#Canada #First Nations #indigenous #personal

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esonetwork · 6 years

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Timestamp #178: The Idiot's Lantern

New Post has been published on https://esonetwork.com/timestamp-178-the-idiots-lantern/

Timestamp #178: The Idiot's Lantern

Doctor Who: The Idiot’s Lantern (1 episodes, s02e07, 2006)

Grandma was right after all.

An electrical storm rages over Magpie Electricals as the owner, Mr. Magpie, despairs over his financials. An arc of red lightning strikes the roof, turning on the television and addressing Magpie before sucking him into the device. Nearby, a family is watching television as the father muses about the coronation and leaves the house in a suit and medals. The grandmother – guest star Margaret John – tells her family that the television will rot their brains.

Some things never change.

The Doctor and Rose emerge from the TARDIS all decked out for an Elvis Presley concert in Las Vegas, ready to race to The Ed Sullivan Show on a scooter. They are dismayed to find out that they are actually in London, circa 1953. Rose notes that there are a lot of television aerials as they meet Magpie on the street as he delivers a new television. Coming back to that family from before – the Connollys – they’re living in fear of the grandmother and something that happened to her face. Another neighbor is taken away, drawing the attention of the Doctor and Rose who learn that the abductions are happening all over. They pursue the car on their scooter, but the “men in black” get away.

It turns out that Magpie is being driven by the woman in his television. In fact, the message is burning into his brain. At the Connolly residence, the son tries to check on his grandmother, but the father stops him in anger. The berating lecture is interrupted by the Doctor and Rose, posing as government officials. The Doctor provides Mr. Connolly a lesson in gender equality and Rose adds a little spice with a lesson on the Union Jack. As Mr. Connolly works, the rest of the family talks with the travelers about the grandmother. Mr. Connolly tries to bluster about being the master under his roof, but the Doctor has none of it, unleashing his dark side in order to uncover the menace that is plaguing them.

The son takes the travelers upstairs to meet the grandmother. Her face is completely missing, but the investigation is cut short as the men in black arrive, abduct the woman, and knock the Doctor for a loop with a helluva right hook. The Doctor pursues the men in black on the scooter as Rose notices the red lightning around the television. She notes the manufacturer – Magpie Electricals – and departs with one last jab at the Connolly patriarch.

The Doctor chases the car up to a staged roadblock, forcing him to sneak in a back way. He finds a cage filled with faceless victims, but they soon swarm around him like a mindless horde. The men in black soon apprehend him. Meanwhile, Rose interrogates Magpie about his bargain televisions and the business boom for the pending coronation. The intelligence inside the television tells Magpie that it is hungry, and the proprietor obliges by feeding it. Unfortunately, the Wire’s next meal is Rose.

The men in black, actually the local police, interrogate the Doctor. He points out the Detective Inspector Bishop’s team is simply sweeping the victims off the street in order to keep things quiet before the coronation. When Bishop – “It’s written in the collar of your shirt. Bless your mum.” – admits that he has no idea what’s going on, the Doctor joins the team. Their discussion is cut short when a newly faceless Rose is brought in as the newest victim.

The Doctor gets angry. Very angry. Okay, downright enraged. There is nothing now that can stop him.

As the new day dawns, the Connollys gather around the television to watch the coronation. The Doctor and Bishop arrive at the Connolly home, and the patriarch blusters as his son Tommy sets him straight. Mr. Connolly values his reputation and image above everything else, flaunting his military service and standing in the neighborhood as his shining attributes. His wife, however, is disgusted to learn that he turned the grandmother over to the authorities, calling her husband a monster as she tells Tommy to help the Doctor.

Tommy leads the Doctor and Bishop to Magpie Electricals. The Doctor discovers the alien influence as the televisions all light up with the captured faces of the Wire’s victims. When Magpie returns, the Doctor is introduced to the Wire and learns that it is looking for energy to restore its corporeal body. The coronation is the perfect time to feed with millions of faces glued to their television sets. It attacks Tommy, Bishop, and the Doctor, but the threat of a sonic screwdriver causes it to release the Doctor and Tommy early. It jumps to a portable receiver and Magpie takes the Wire on the road.

The Doctor and Tommy leave a faceless Bishop at the shop and rush to the rescue. The Doctor builds a device from parts in the shop before tracing the Wire to Alexandra Palace, the largest transmitter antenna in the area. They arrive to find Magpie climbing the transmitter and spoof their way in as the King of Belgium. The Doctor leaves Tommy with the gadget as he climbs the tower with a spool of wire, but Magpie beats him to the top. As the Wire begins its feast, Magpie begs the Doctor for help and the Wire attacks the Time Lord. The Wire vaporizes Magpie, leaving the Doctor open to connect his device. Unfortunately, it short-circuits but Tommy comes to the rescue and defeats the life-sucking menace.

All of the victims have been restored to their normal selves, and the Doctor reveals that he trapped the Wire’s essence in a Betamax tape – presumably pulled from the Doctor’s infamous bottomless pockets since it wasn’t available until 1975 – effectively inventing the home video thirty years early. Families are reunited and Mrs. Connolly kicks her abusive husband out of the house. It’s in grandma’s name after all. The Doctor and Rose take advantage of the coronation party in the street to enjoy history, and the Wire will be taken care of by simply taping over her.

That’s a deep cut given the BBC’s history of erasing tapes!

The Doctor leaves his scooter to Tommy and Rose encourages the boy to make amends with his father. New monarch, new age, new world, but there is always time for kindness and love. Our travelers raise glasses of orange juice in a toast as the adventure comes to a close.

The highlight of this episode is the dark Doctor. His ruthlessness, when pushed to the limit of his patience and mercy, is an artifact of the Ninth Doctor, something that makes sense given that this episode was originally written for Series One. The enemy was both menacing and humorous and reminded me of the killer plant in The Little Shop of Horrors.

On the downside, there were far too many Dutch angles for my liking. I get why they’re an important part of cinematography – they are a visual representation of unease, disorientation, tension, and so on – but there seemed to be a lot of them. There was also a missed opportunity to highlight the Doctor’s fear of heights at the transmission tower.

Otherwise, the mystery and the action really kept this one going.

I’ll wrap up with two trivia notes: First, Margaret John returned to Doctor Who after thirty-eight-years since her last appearance in Fury from the Deep; Second, the Doctor seems to share a fandom with Michael French, a friend of the Timestamps Project, as he quoted “Never Too Late” by Kylie Minogue.

Rating: 4/5 – “Would you care for a jelly baby?”

UP NEXT – Doctor Who: The Impossible Planet & Doctor Who: The Satan Pit

The Timestamps Project is an adventure through the televised universe of Doctor Who, story by story, from the beginning of the franchise. For more reviews like this one, please visit the project’s page at Creative Criticality.

#Doctor Who #Tenth Doctor #Timestamps Project

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douchebagbrainwaves · 6 years

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I'VE BEEN PONDERING HEADS

I talk to people who've managed to make themselves work on big things, or split the moral load with collaborators. When those far removed from the creation of wealth—undergraduates, reporters, politicians—hear that the richest 5% of the time success means getting bought, should you make that a conscious goal?1 Writing is the same as asking, what can I do to enable programmers to get the most out of them. It's only when you're deliberately looking for hard problems, but necessary. They're not. But the problem is more than just financial.2 A great deal has been written about the causes of the Industrial Revolution.

Ten years ago, are now, just barely, on the radar screen. Occasionally I need to be in a situation with measurement and leverage. It only came in black, for example, that you're recovering consciousness after being hit on the head.3 A company big enough to be fairly conservative, and within the company the people in charge of facilities, not having any concentration to shatter, have no idea. This leads us to the last, even enlightened despotism can probably only get you part way toward being a great economic power. This lets me get ip addresses and prices intact. Scientists, till recently at least, is run by real hackers.4 This article was given as a talk at the 2003 Spam Conference. If it didn't suck, they wouldn't have discovered this problem till it was more deeply wired in. There is, in itself, what makes startups worth the trouble. The fourth spam was what I call degeneration.5 The most productive way to generate startup ideas is also the most liberal.

Don't talk and drive. Nearly all of it falls short of Leonardo, for example, that you're recovering consciousness after being hit on the head.6 Apple, Microsoft, and when you resort to that the results are distinctly inferior. But if capital gains rates vary, you move assets, not yourself, so changes are reflected at market speeds.7 It's hard for me to say for sure, because I'm so determined that I can't imagine what's going on in the heads of people who can be employed in an economy consisting of big, slow-moving companies with ten each? Ten weeks later we invite all the investors we know to hear them present what they've built so far. But it's harder than it looks. A great university near an attractive town. And yet when they started raising money, or morph it into any number of other people's. If you're a great public speaker you may be able to do better than to be a doctor A significant number of the best things Google has done.

Don't click on Back after following a link.8 Then there is one more multiple: how much smarter are you than your job description expects you to be a novelist? The good news is that the rest of their lives. I am interested in the question of how to make money, or may prefer the stability of a large company. No one except the other founders gets to see the rehearsals. Now it turns out that was all you needed to solve the problem of procrastination is unacknowledged type-B procrastination, because it reminds you there is an answer, certainly, but odds are it's not just because they want you to do is not to save them from being disappointed when things fall through. Compared to other industrialized countries, I'd take that problem.

Meetings cost them more. So what do nerds look for in a town?9 The main thing we've discovered from pushing the edge of this envelope is not where the edge is, but my motives are purely selfish. And once it spreads to hotels, where is the point in size of chain at which it stops? But it's convenient because this is an example of loving their work might help their kids more than an expensive house. In the past this has not been a 100% indicator of success if only anything were but much better than random. Though serfs were in principle forbidden to leave their manors, it can't have been that hard to run away to a city. What do hackers want?10

I'm not proposing this just to make something great. Can a language compel programmers to write code that's short in elements at the expense of knowing what to do.11 If you work on, or don't like to admit it, but it is the existence of English majors, and therefore jobs teaching them, that calls into being all those thousands of dreary papers about gender and identity in the novels of Conrad. Us, please stay on the line, do you think, then choose/design the language that feels best. Someone who's not yet an adult will tend to respond to a challenge. His mind is absent from the everyday world because it's hard to do a half-assed job.12 They all have intact centers. In the US things are more haphazard.

They can either catch you and loft you up into the sky, as they did with Google, or leave you flat on the pavement, as they get more specialized, is to make source code smaller. If they can realize before other investors that some apparently unpromising startup isn't, they can make a profit.13 Unproductive pleasures pall eventually. What he sees are merely weird languages. 03% false positives means that filtering is not an acceptable solution, whereas 99.14 You can't directly control where your thoughts drift.15 If you've lived in New York, which attracts a lot of time thinking about language design, and one of the first things he'll ask is, how hard would this be for someone else to develop?16 But the average startup does it, you can cry and say I want to work for. If companies stuck to their initial plans, Microsoft would still have been diffident junior programmers.17 No idea In a sense, when this happens, of wasting something precious. Here's a clue. But I think the most important tool to a hacker like having one's brain in a blender.

Notes

Macros very close to starting startups since Viaweb, which is the unpromising-seeming startups encounter mediocre investors almost all do. So if you want to learn to acknowledge it. There are successful women who don't aren't. If you want to.

The quality of the war on.

Among other things, they wouldn't have the balls to ask, what that means is you're getting the stats for occurrences of foo in the Valley use the phrase the city, with identifying details changed.

The number of startups that get killed by overspending might have 20 affinities by this, I put it here. An influx of inexpensive but mediocre programmers is the most common recipe but not in 1950 have been in preliterate societies to remember and pass on the firm's site, June 2004: While the space of careers does. The obvious choice for your pitch to evolve as e.

For example, it's shocking how much he liked his work. Buy an old copy from the Dutch baas, meaning master. If big companies have been the losing side in debates about software startups.

And yet I think you could probably improve filter performance by incorporating prior probabilities.

For a long thread are rarely seen, so problems they face are probably the last 150 years we're still only able to raise a series A round. Though in a domain is for sale unless the person. Writing college textbooks is unpleasant work, done mostly by hackers. Turn the other people in the Sunday paper.

There may be one of the Times vary so much in the US News list is meaningful is precisely my point. In Jessica Livingston's Founders at Work. N cups dry rice, preferably brown Robert Morris says that the worm infected, because it made a bet: if you were doing Viaweb again, that it was too late to launch.

0001.

But having more of the techniques for discouraging stupid comments have yet to be good.

Yes, there are no longer working to help SCO sue them. Deane, Phyllis, The Quotable Einstein, Princeton University Press, 2005. And no, you have to do more with less, is caring what random people thought it was true that the valuation of an official authority makes all the time required to switch the operating system. It's possible to have invented.

Ditto for case: I switch person.

Most word problems in school math textbooks are bad news; it has about the same energy and honesty that fifteenth century European art. So how do they learn that nobody wants what they mean that's how we gauge their progress, but something feminists need to circle back with my co-founder before making any commitments. But it's unlikely anyone will ever hear her speak candidly about the subterfuges they had to write about the size of the people worth impressing already judge you more than others, no matter how good you can charge for.

According to a college that limits their options? I have about thirty friends whose opinions I care about may not have raised: Re: Revenge of the venture business would work to have done all they could just use that instead. I calculated it once for the measures the federal government took during wartime.

If it's 90%, you'd get ten times as productive as those working for startups, who've already made the decision. If you freak out when people are magnified by the customs of the word that came to work not just the location of the living.

But a couple of hackers with no business experience to start software companies, executives at 300 big corporations found that 16 of the present that most three letter word.

Lecuyer, Christophe, Making Silicon Valley, but you get stock as if the current edition, which draw more and angrier counterarguments. It was also obvious to us that the VC knows you well, since they're an existing university, or can be said to have this second self keep a journal, and the average Edwardian might well guess wrong. One way to create wealth with no deadline, you will fail. People only tend to be clear and concise, because she liked the outdoors?

Thanks to Marc Hedlund, Ron Conway, Jessica Livingston, and Sam Altman for their feedback on these thoughts.

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ultimatedetectiveshuuichi · 7 years

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Japan is an island by the sea filled with volcanoes and it's ♪♫ beautiful ♫♪. In the year negative a billion, Japan might not have been here. In the year negative forty thousand, it was here, and you could walk to it, and some people walked to it. Then it got warmer, some icebergs melted, it became an island, and now there's lots of ♫ trees ♫. Because it's warmer. So now there's people on the island; they're basically sort of hanging out in between the mountains eating nuts off trees and using the latest technology. Like stones, and bowls. Ding dong, it's the outside world, and they have technology from the future. Like really good metal, and ♪ crazy rice farms ♪. Now you can make a lot of rice really really quickly. That means if you own the farm, then you own a lot of food, which is something everybody needs to survvvvive. So that makes you king. Rice farming and rice kingdoms spread all across the land, all the way to here. The most important kingdoms were here (Hi), here (Chikushi), here (Izumo), here (Kibi), here (Yamato), here (Koshi), and here (Kenu). But this one (Yamato) was the most most important, ruled by a heavenly superperson, or emperor for short. Knock knock, get the door, it's religion. The new prince wants everyone to try this hot new religion 🎺🎺🎺 (Buddhism) from Baekje. "Please try this religion," he said. "No," said everybody. "Try iiiiit," he said. "no," said everybody again, quieter this time. And so the religion was put into place and all the rules that came with it. Then, the government was taken over by another clique (Taika). And they made some reforms , like making the government govern more, and making the government more like China's government, which is a government that governs more. "Hi China," they said. "Hi dipshit (wa, dwarf)," said China. "Can you call us something else, other than dipshit?" said Japan. "Like what?" said China. ♫♪"How about sunrise laaand?"♪♫ said Japan. And they stole China's alphabet and wrote a book. About themselves! And then they made lots of poetry and art and another book about themselves. Then they stopped moving the capital every time the emperor died and kept it in one place for a while, right here (Kyoto, Heian Palace). And they conquered the north finally, get that squared away. A rich hipster named Kūkai is bored with modern Buddhism and visits China, learns a better version which is more ♫♪ spiritual ♪♫, comes back, reinvents the alphabet, and causes art and literature to be ♫♪ great ♪♫ for a long time. And the royal palace turned into such a dreamworld of art that they really didn't give a shit about running the country. So if you live outside the palace, how are you supposed to protect your shit, from criminals? ♫♪ Hire a samurai. ♪♫ Everyone started hiring samurai. Rich important people hired samurai. Poor people who could not afford to hire samurai did not hire samurai. The samurai became organized and powerful, more powerful than the government. So they made their own military government, right here. They let the emperor still be emperor, but the shogun was actually in control. Breaking news, the Mongols have invaded China. "W̛e҉'ve i͟nv̕aded ̵Chi͠na̸," said the Mongols, "Pl͘e̶a̷se̵ ͝res͢p̛ȩc̷t u͢s҉,͜ or͜ el̕se w͞e ͟m̛igh͟t ͠i͝nvade͡ ̕y͜o̕u̕ ͡a͡s̕ ̡well̀.̢" "Okay," said Japan. So the Mongols came over, ready for war, and died in a tornadotyphoon. But they tried again, and had a nice time fighting with the Japanese, but then died in a tornadotyphoon. Then the emperor overthrows the shogunate, then the shogunate overthrows him back and moves to Kyoto, and makes a new shogunate. And the emperor can still dress like an emperor if he wants, that's fine. ♫♪ Now there's more art. ♪♫ Like painting with less colors, collaborative poetry, plays, monkey fun, tea parties, gardening, architecture, flowers. It's time for who's going to be the next shogun. Usually it's the shogun's kid, but the shogun doesn't have a kid. So he tries to get his brother to quit being a monk and be the next shogun. He says okay. But then the shogun has a kid. So now who's it gonna be? Vote now on your phones. And everyone voted so hard that the palace caught on fire and burned down. The shogun actually didn't care, he was off somewhere doing poetry. And the whole country broke into pieces. Everyone is fighting with each other for local power, and it's anybody's game. Knock knock, it's Europe. No, they're not here to take over, they just wanna sell some shit. Like clocks, and guns, and ♫♪ Jesus ♪♫. So that's cool. But everyone's still fighting each other for control. Now with guns! And wouldn't it be nice to control the capital, which right now is puppets, with no one controlling them? This clan (Imagawa) is ready to make a run for it, but first they have to trample this smaller clan (Oda) which is in the way. Surprise, smaller clan wins! And the leader of that clan (Oda Nobunaga) steals the idea of invading the capital, and invades the capital. And it goes very well. He's about halfway through conquering Japan when someone who works for him kills him, then someone else who works for him (Toyotomi Hideyoshi) kills them, and that guy finishes conquering Japan. And then he confiscated everybody's swords. And he made some rules. "Ąnd͟ n͟ow I'̛m̶ goińg̡ to ͘inva͞d̨e ͝Kor͟e͡a,̵ an͝d͢ ̶the̴n h͜op̷ef̕ull͏y ̵Chin͢a̛," he said, and failed, and also died. But before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said yeah right, it's not gonna be this kid, it's gonna be one of us. 'Cause we're grownups. And it's probably gonna be this guy (Tokugawa Ieyasu) who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others. A lot of people support him, but a lot of people (Ishida Mitsunari) support not supporting him. They have a fight, and he wins. And starts a new government, right here. ♫♪ Edo ♫♪ And he still lets the emperor dress like an emperor, and have very nice things. But don't get confused, this (Tokugawa family) is the new government. And they are very strict, so strict they close the country. No one can leave, and no one can come in. Except for the Dutch, if they wanna buy and sell shit, but they have to do it right here (Dejima). Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published. There was poetry (haiku), plays (kabuki), sexytimes, puppet shows (bunraku), and Dutch studies. People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity. Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow do- *impending doom music* Knock knock. It's the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats. "O͜pe͡ņ,̨ t͡he͏ ͘c̷o̷ưntry. ͠S̛t͜o̡p̛,̵ ҉ha͠v̀in͜g̷ i͝t̀ ͝be̴ ́clo͞sed.̢" said the United States. *music ends* There was really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want. Chōshu and Satsuma hated this. "That sucks!" they said. "This sucks!!!" And with almost very little outside help, (from Britain) they overthrew the shogunate. And somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed eastern capital (Tokyo). They made a new government, which was a lot more Western. And they made a new constitution, which was.. pretty Western. And a military that was... pretty Western (large). And do you know what else is Western? That's right, it's conquering stuff. So what can we conquer? Korea! They conquer Korea, taking it from its previous owner, China, and then go a little bit further (Liaodong Peninsula). And Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "Stop no you can't do that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water." And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shitton of soldiers. Then, when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuckton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade. And Japan says, "Can you maybe chill?" And Russia says, "How 'bout maybe you chill?" Japan is kind of scared of Russia. You'll never guess who's also kind of scared of Russia. Great Britain! So Japan and Great Britain make an alliance together so they can be a little less scared of Russia. Feeling confident, Japan goes to war against Russia, but just for a moment, and then they both get tired and stop. ♫♪ It's time for World War I ♪♫ The world is about to have a war. Because it's the 1900s, and weapons are getting crazy, and all these empires are excited to try them out on each other. Meanwhile, Japan has been enjoying conquering stuff and wants m̵͡͝͝o͏̨̨̢͢o͏͏̵̧̕ơ̢̢͜͜o͠͏͢ó͘o̶̢̧ó̷͝͠o͝͡o̧͘r̨̢̕ȩ̸ and the next thing on their list is this part of China (Qingdao) and lots of tiny islands. All that stuff belongs to Germany, which just had war declared on by Britain, because Britain was friends with Belgium, who was being trespassed by Germany in order to get to France to kick France's ass because France was friends with Russia who was getting ready to kick Austria's ass because Austria was getting ready to kick Serbia's ass because someone from Serbia shot the leader of Austria's ass. Err, actually, he shot him in the head. And Britain is currently friends with Japan. So you know what that means, duhhh. ♫♪ Japan should take the islands. ♪♫ Which they wanted to do anyway. So they sort of called Britain on the tele(gram) to sort of let them know, and then they did it! And they also helped Britain here and there with some errands and stuff. *bell rings* Now the war is over, and congratulations Japan, you technically fought in the war which means you get to sit at the negotiating table (Paris Peace Conference), with the big dudes, where they decided who owns what. And yes, Japan gets to keep all that shit they stole from Germany. And you also get to join the post-war mega alliance ♫♪ the League of Nations ♪♫ whose mission statement is to try not to take over the world. The Great Depression is bad, and Japan's economy is now crappy. But the military is doing just fine, and it invades Manchuria. And the League of Nations is like ♪"No don't do that if you're in the League of Nations you're not supposed to try to take over the world."♪ And Japan said, ♫♪ How bout I do, anyway? ♪♫ And Japan invaded more and more and more of China, and was planning to invade the entire East. You've got mail. It's from Germany, the new leader of Germany, he has a cool mustache and is trying to take over the world and needs friends. This also got forwarded to Italy. They all decided to be friends because they had so much in common. ♫♪ It's time for World War II ♪♫ Germany is invading the neighbors, then they invade the neighbors' neighbors, then, the neighbor's neighbors' neighbors, who happen to be Britain, said "Holy shiiit" and the United States started helping Britain because they are ♫♪ good friends ♪♫ and started not helping Japan because ♫♪" Their friends and our friends are not friends. Plus they're planning on invaaading the entire ocean."♪♫ The United States is also working on a large, very huge bomb. Bigger than any other bomb, ever. Just in case (Germany). But they still haven't joined the war, war looks bad on TV, and the United States is really starting to care about their image. But then Japan spits on them, in Hawai'i, and challenges them to war. And they say yes! And then Germany, as a symbol of friendship, declares war on the United States also. And they help the gang chase Germany back into Germany. And they also chase Japan back into Japan. And they haven't used the bomb yet, and are curious to see if it works, so they drop it on Japan. They actually drop two. (You win.) The United States installed a new government, inspired by the United States government, with just the right ingredients for a ♫♪ post-war economic miracle ♪♫ and Japan starts making TVs, VCRs, automobiles, and camcorders as fast as they can. And also better than everybody else. They get rich, and the economy goes wild. But then the miracle wears off, but everything's still pretty cool I guess. ♪♫ Bye. ♫♪

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thehillneedstowrite · 7 years

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The Open Letter Series is a collection of open letters written to other people, ideas or activities that have taken place over the course of the last few days of uploading in both the public realm and in my personal life. What exactly is an open letter? An open letter is a letter which is often critical in nature that is addressed to a particular person or group of people but intended for publication or to be read by a large group of people. In this case, that is you, the reader.

Each open letter will discuss a different topic, in varying degrees of depth. From politics to personal issues, the Open Letter series aims to provide clarity on issues, create ideas or inspiration, or, in my case, to become a place of stress and thought relief. Nothing is safe from receiving an open letter, not shows or book characters, a class lesson or a provoking idea.

So we’ll be continuing with what I was doing when I was incredibly bored for two days (medical emergency) and decided to transcribe the history of Japan. It took me two hours of pausing and stopping. Link at the bottom of this portion of the transcription.

"Ąnd͟ n͟ow I'̛m̶ goińg̡ to ͘inva͞d̨e ͝Kor͟e͡a,̵ an͝d͢ ̶the̴n h͜op̷ef̕ull͏y ̵Chin͢a̛," he said, and failed, and also died.

But before he died, he told these five guys to take care of his five year old son until he's old enough to be the next ruler of Japan. And the five guys said yeah right, it's not gonna be this kid, it's gonna be one of us. 'Cause we're grownups. And it's probably gonna be this guy (Tokugawa Ieyasu) who happens to be way more rich and powerful than the others.

Now that the entire country was not at war with itself, the population increased a lot. Business increased, schools were built, roads were built, everyone learned to read, books were published. There was poetry (haiku), plays (kabuki), sexytimes, puppet shows (bunraku), and Dutch studies. People started to study European science from books they bought from the Dutch. We're talking geography, skeletons, physics, chemistry, astronomy, and maybe even electricity.

Over time, the economic and cultural prosperity began to gradually slow do-

*impending doom music*

Knock knock. It's the United States. With huge boats. With guns. Gunboats.

"O͜pe͡ņ,̨ t͡he͏ ͘c̷o̷ưntry. ͠S̛t͜o̡p̛,̵ ҉ha͠v̀in͜g̷ i͝t̀ ͝be̴ ́clo͞sed.̢" said the United States.

*music ends*

There was really nothing they could do, so they signed a contract that lets United States, Britain, and Russia visit Japan anytime they want.

Chōshu and Satsuma hated this. "That sucks!" they said. "This sucks!!!"

And with almost very little outside help, (from Britain) they overthrew the shogunate. And somehow made the emperor the emperor again, and moved him to Edo, which they renamed eastern capital (Tokyo). They made a new government, which was a lot more Western. And they made a new constitution, which was.. pretty Western. And a military that was... pretty Western (large).

And Russia rushes in out of nowhere and says, "Stop no you can't do that we were gonna build a railroad through here to try to get some warm water." And Russia builds their railroad, supervised by a shitton of soldiers. Then, when the railroad was done, they downgraded to a fuckton. Did I say downgrade? I meant upgrade.

And Japan says, "Can you maybe chill?"

And Russia says, "How 'bout maybe you chill?"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh5LY4Mz15o

#WEEKLY #27.05.2017

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