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sapphiresaphics · 7 months ago

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“they don’t work out their issues. they don’t discuss any of their issues. they are forced to work together because vander’s situation provides urgency. and then they insult each other and slap fight without explaining why they did what they did, what’s been going through their minds, why they’re angry at each other. they don’t communicate at all.”

You’ve never had siblings have you? Or if you have.. you’ve never gotten into actual fights with them have you?

Vi isn’t “forced” to do anything. She CHOOSES to go with Jinx. And the Vander situation is a problem, yes, but it’s not URGENT. If it was they wouldn’t be casually strolling through the caves. And this is where they TRULY come to blows. The big epic fight earlier was just spectacle. THIS is the fight between sisters. And it’s raw and silly and childish. That’s the point of it.

And again. You don’t need to SAY why you did anything. Vi learns Mir about Jinx as a person by how she interacts with Isha than she does taking to her. It’s also no secret that during their little brawl in the caves on a mission to save Vander, Vi accidentally hurts Isha (Jinx’s personification) just as she did when she punched Powder back in season 1. This is very deliberate storytelling parallels.

Also, screenwriting 101: characters never just say what they mean. Cuz that’s just boring and uninteresting. Scenes are more interesting when characters can’t say what they want to say, so they talk about other issues to make up for it. All dialogue should HINT at what they really want. The tussle in the mines is far more authentic and realistic than the over the top brawl they had in the pipe works.

Take the note they find from Vander to Silco. Jinx reads it out loud and then comments about how if Silco had found it maybe things would’ve been different. And in that moment Vi raises her hand and wants to touch Jinx’s shoulder but can’t quite bring herself to do it yet. Because that moment isn’t REALLY about Vander and Silco. It’s about Jinx and Vi. Say one thing, but mean another. That’s GOOD scriptwriting.

“She’s not exactly a dictator in the traditional sense”

Okay stop right there. If she’s not a dictator in the traditional sense then she’s not a god damn dictator. End of story. Stop trying to justify her being one when you freely admit she is not one.

The show repeatedly shows that despite her being hardened and angry and doing these things out of fear and hate… she ultimately doesn’t want to. Has she been impressing Zaun even more than before? Absolutely. But is she also chastising Ambessa’s guard for instigating violence and calling out Ambessa’s justification for more violence? Absolutely as well.

Caitlyn is an oppressive authority figure clouded in privileged and doing what she’s doing because of hate and fear and anger. Yes. 100% no getting around that. But she’s not a dictator. And she doesn’t WANT to be a dictator. She was thrust into this position through peer pressure and manipulation just like Jayce was when he became a counselor. And she’s been looking for an excuse to get out of it for a while too. Maddie says as much in bed.

And remember Vi? When Caitlyn is sad after her mother died, she refers to Vi as the person who calms her down and guides her through things. Vi is who she breaks down and cries with. Vi is who she listens to when things get more dangerous in the pipe works. There’s a reason why when Vi shows up again, Caitlyn is all too willing to help her out. Especially if it means she can get rid of Ambessa and save VI’s father in the process.

This show is filled with nuance and morally grey characters. So when you reduce them to binary black and white roles and call them dictators, yeah that’s not gonna jive well when they do stuff contrary to that binary. That’s what I’m calling you out for and why I insist you don’t refer to Caitlyn as a dictator. Because calling her a dictator erases her moral complexity and ignores everything that happened in season 1. You are flattening out her character so you can whine.

“Hextech didn’t break them apart, systemic oppression did”

No… hextech broke them apart. The bomb Powder used in season 1 was hextech. It happened at the exact same time Jayce and Viktor were experimenting and their experiments resulted in teleportation magic. And if you watch closely when the explosion goes off, there are pieces of debris and rubble that get teleported through the door and end up killing the two boys. As we’ve learned this season, all Hextech devices are linked. It was Jayce and Viktor tampering with Hextech that resulted in the bomb going off being so devastating to Vi and Powder’s family.

Additionally, the explosion at the beginning of the show that sets everything in motion is Hextech. Yes they were infiltrating Jayce’s workshop because of systemic inequality, but that’s a background detail to explain why. It’s not the inciting incident that started it all. That’s the hextech gem explosion. The show begins with Hextech being volatile and dangerous and that’s the reoccurring conundrum throughout the entire show. Everybody wants this power and they use their positions of inequality and oppression to get it. Again… that’s the inequality being a background excuse, but not the driving force.

“How does Vander being alive fix everything?”

Because that’s the rift that broke Powder and Vi apart. It’s because of Powder’s bomb that Vander died. It’s because Vander died that Vi hurt Powder and started her on this path to becoming Jinx. It was the inciding incident that broke them apart.

Vander being alive means they can heal their rift. Vander being alive means Powder didn’t kill him. Finding Vander and bringing him back allows Vi to forgive Powder for what she did. Like Jinx says “maybe this is a do-over.”

Vander is their father. Having him back means they don’t have to fight anymore. They don’t have to try to kill each other anymore. It means Jinx can heal and become herself again. Vi can forgive Jinx. Etc etc.

This is like one of the biggest moments in the show. That you seem to put so little emphasis on its importance and can’t understand why Vander being alive could heal their rift is sad.

You seem like the type of person who needs characters to just say what they mean literally or else you don’t understand what’s happening. Body language, voice acting, dialogue, shot composition and framing… you seem to IGNORE all of that and complain that characters just don’t sit down and talk one on one with each other. You don’t seem to understand or respect the craft of the show.

When a character says something but means something else, you seem like you only take things at face value and can’t comprehend that they might be lying, or saying meaning something else.

Take the moment when Sallow is rolled in on a wheelchair demanding they go to war with the undercity. Mel clocks that this is not how Sallow talks. And since he was rolled out by Ambessa, it’s made very clear that it’s Ambessa who’s ACTUALLY talking in the scene. Even though she never says a word. I wonder.. how did you read that scene? Did you pick up on Mel playing chess with her mother? Or did you think she was actually addressing Sallow the whole time?

I don’t know what else to tell you dude. You’re not wrong that systemic oppression and power dynamics play a significant role in the show’s message. I would just argue that it’s not the MAIN FOCUS of the show and has never been. It’s window dressing at best. The main focus has always been how attempts to do good for love and for family can result in doing terrible awful things.

As Victor puts it “we lost ourselves. Lost our dreams. In our attempt to save the world we failed to do good.”

I find it hilarious when the show called ARCANE starts talking about the ARCANE and the ARCANE starts having a more prominent role in the trajectory of the show named ARCANE that people are only now complaining about “lore” being added to the show.

Like, my dudes… the show was about the ARCANE. Now that it’s reacting and developing and becoming the big thing the whole show is heading towards… NOW you’re worried about the “lore” messing things up??!

Hahah

Sorry guys. I know we started with class inequality, and that’s definitely a theme of the show… but the TRUE star has ALWAYS been the ARCANE and how it reacts to the events around it.

They wouldn’t have named the show ARCANE if they weren’t going to address the ARCANE.

#arcane #league of legends arcane #arcane criticism #arcane critical

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years ago

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I would have loved to see more interactions with the seelies- people who can’t lie but are crafty and secretive sounds fascinating. Think of the dialog! Alec going to magnus for advice since he has centuries of experience talking to them, Alec playing mental chess while trying to maintain peace. Would have loved getting more- but let’s be real, Cassaundra and the show writers weren’t clever enough to actually make any conversations like that of value.

SAME!!!!! honestly i would have loved to see so much more of the seelies. like bro do you understand that their culture predates the VERY EXISTENCE OF HUMANITY??? they are the ONLY kind of downworlders whose culture is completely detached from any human culture, not only because of predating it, but also because of the relative isolationism - which means human culture barely had any influence on their culture and history AS it developed

so like you can literally go fucking bonkers??????????? you can make ANYTHING. they have a whole ass society that doesn't have to have ANY ties to mundane concepts or history AT ALL. complete creative freedom. you could do ANYTHING! and don't get me started on the potential this has, within storytelling, to contextualize a lot of stuff modern western culture sees as natural or timeless as actually pretty fucking specific - like monogamy, cisheteropatriarchy, the gender binary, racism. all immortals have that potential of course since they can come from an array of different cultural and historical backgrounds but seelies in particular have SO much potential that is NEVER! FUCKING! USED! it all goes to waste and they are just a generic vaguely monarchic society that behaves literally exactly as modern western cultural standards. WHY. i'll never stop being salty, especially within sh where all this potential was there and instead they just villainized the seelies like no tomorrow for nO FUCKING REASON, and included a whole plotline about their ruler being a terrible power-hungry person and then proceeded to act as if that would have no influence on the seelies under her rule? thanks for nothing

like i know the seelie queen was so badly written that her own motivations even as a power-hungry wacko didn't make sense or were consistent (like why give simon the mark of cain for example, and for god's sake what kind of power-hungry crazy bitch gives their main enemy the power to literally kill her and destroy everything she has at the blink of an eye, like??? she literally tried to assist in her own genocide, it makes no fucking sense, i fucking hate it here) but if they are going to make her Terrible the least they could do was show how that impacted the people under her rule, especially if they are going to have meliorn be fucking tortured and either forced to display the marks of said torture or choosing to display them themself, like? please give your plotlines one singular thought

but of course it's easier to villainize seelies and reduce them to their obviously tyrannical ruler so they can go back to focusing on the shadowhunters and their issues. nevermind the fact that seelies are obviously equivalent to native ppls/third world countries resisting colonialism/imperialism in sh's stupid ass racial metaphor, which makes making their ruler a big bad unequivocally evil villain that is ruining everything A Choice. and a particularly choicy Choice considering they cast a middle-eastern man to play the most important seelie character. but if they are going to do that they could at least address how the people under her rule suffer and how that's a direct consequence of shadowhunter colonialism and interference, but why would we fkcnig thdo that!!!! when we can have love triangle drama or whatever

and tHEN there is the whole aspect of being unable to lie which is bound to have such an impact on their culture and history since they have to rely on other forms of communication to protect themselves - and considering the whole "tyrannical rule" plotline, to further the queen's agenda in the first place. and how telling the truth without preamble would probably be considered a huge display of trust in a society that has culturally developed so many ways of talking around things. like again the potential of the cultural and historic background for that society! it makes me go insane!!!

anyway all of that to say #JusticeForSeelies and #SeeliePlotlinesNow 2021 and forever. and YES i would have loved to see more interactions between them and other characters, particularly magnus because 1- admittedly i'm a hoe; and 2- magnus was clearly the one that had the most experience talking to seelies and that others relied on for that communication. he also seemed to be the most comfortable with them, which indicates there is either some sort of history there, or magnus just happens to feel relatively at home with the workings of their culture. which makes sense, because magnus also had to develop pretty similar defense mechanisms due to his, A- work as a warlock representative who has to interact with shadowhunters on the regular; B- history with having to deal with asmodeus, which required him to be very smart about what he disclosed and how, especially considering that he had to have been planning banishing asmodeus for a long time before he got to do it; and C- just history with abuse in general. we've seen the way he closed his heart off to new people; but at the same time, magnus is obviously an extrovert and likes to be around people in general. this meant that, in order to be able to both be in the kind of environment where he thrives and protect himself/his heart/his feelings, he had to learn how to interact with people while putting on a convincing façade, which requires pretty much the same sorts of wordplay and defense mechanisms that seelies use

magnus is good at wordplay, he's good at using talking to his benefit; we've seen that. he is also good at hiding and deflecting. he is notably not good at directly lying - every time he directly said A Lie such as "i am perfectly fine and not bothered by this at all :)" it was way less convincing than it was a clear display that he wouldn't budge. even alec, who has difficulty with social cues, noticed the lying and seemed concerned about it. so like. clearly his defense mechanisms were less lying and more dancing around subjects, directing conversation to safe topics, and guiding people to making certain assumptions and seeing sides of his that were safer and he preferred

so in that way it makes sense that magnus is somewhat in his element when dealing with seelies. i think "comfortable" is a strong word because this whole song and dance takes a huge toll on anyone's mental health and energy (which i think is something that could be very interestingly explored in seelies, their collective psyche, and their culture, the way they build relationships, etc. let meliorn have partners they feel 100% comfortable talking without preamble with 2k21), but it's something he is used to and a dynamic he can fall into without as much effort as others who would be second guessing themselves more and going slower, which clearly gives the seelies, who are used to it, an advantage

and like i know that i'm implying a confrontation or sort of situation where they are on opposing sides to seelies here, which i kind of am because i am thinking mostly about magnus' interactions with the seelie queen specifically, since she was the seelie he had the most meaningful interactions with. his interactions with meliorn were very few and almost never relevant, i barely remember them happening outside of generic downworld cabinet interactions tbh. but i don't just mean that because again, stop villainizing seelies 2k21

i also mean just generally that magnus would be in a more comfortable position talking to seelie strangers and slowly working into building a relationship and mutual trust. and just generally understanding them and the workings of their culture because he can empathize with the way they have built their social defense mechanisms. no one is 100% truthful to strangers, but seelies always seem kind of- analytical. and the cultural difference + anti-seelie racism makes them seem untrustworthy to most people, but magnus Gets It, so the potential for friendships! and the mutual understanding and the relative comfort around each other! and both parts understanding the enormity that is letting their walls down gradually and being more direct as time goes by. like.... aaaaaa

and yes magnus becomes a sort of reference on talking to seelies, mostly because he is good at "playing their game", but also making it a point to humanize seelies and making the other parts understand where they are coming from and how they feel :) and just improving their relations, particularly with other downworlders

im not going to get into alec because 1- the relationship between shadowhunters and seelies is already filled with oppression and a lot of complications, and particularly now that the seelie realm is politically fragile due to the loss of their ruler (however terrible she might have been), it would play into either white savior narratives or just straight up colonialism, especially given how alec as a leader already has a history of trying to build tutelage over downworlders (i don't care what his intentions were, it's still true, and although he's learning... well. he's learning, continuous action); 2- that would be more a relationship of opposition and i'm not that interested in that. but i would love to see seelies rebuilding themselves and their relationships and alliances with other downworlders particularly, and all the better if magnus is playing a part in that :)

in short:

more seelies

more magnus with seelies, especially friendships

more focus on the politics of seelies now that the seelie queen is gone

more seelies

#sh #shadowhunters #lore #magnus bane #meliorn #seelies #the seelie queen #seelie culture #seelie history #meta #magnus bane meta #meliorn meta #in a way #ask #anonymous #long post #salt #a bit #ok maybe a lot but mostly to add flavor to my lore ramblings

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countessofbiscuit · 5 years ago

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*shakes my tin cup like a victorian street urchin* please ma’am spare some rexsoka porn for a poor lass down on her luck?

hope this fills your boots, anon <ladles out some sad smut> it’s all i’ve got ;__;

Some Diversion

(ao3 + art that inspired this by @redsong) (3k, Explicit)

People were always more receptive when you told them you were honeymooners. Even in a motel that probably couldn’t pony up for a classified ad in the planet’s second-best travelzine.

“Oh!” chirped the concierge, a glum theelin, skin faded by spice. “Congratulations.”

It helped that she and Rex looked odd and threadbare themselves, having stuffed beskar in the backpack and left plates in the ship. Rex stepped an inch closer to put a hand around Ahsoka’s bare midriff, playing along. Her eyes welled up at the gesture. She smiled through it, selling the charade with a wave of her hand under the counter. The concierge became extremely obliging: happy to offer a quiet en-suite near the rear exit, uninterested in payment until checkout, and supremely sorry they didn’t keep bubblezap on the premises.

Ahsoka was just grateful the farce couldn’t follow them to their room.

It’d be a cruel facsimile of previous missions, and of dreams whispered in the dark, now that they could actually do it: get hitched and cut loose. But somehow, with that face and that other chip in his arm—the identifier, a detainable offense to remove even under the Republic—Rex was less free than he’d ever been. He’d jumped the fence. At least in the Grand Army he could leave the wire now and then.

No—Rex hadn’t jumped, Ahsoka reminded herself: she’d flung him over it. And she was finding her actions harder to justify, when he’d been nothing but a studied blank these past few days, clearly at pains to hide himself from her, Force or no Force. White noise had more personality.

She struggled anew when he tossed her poncho aside, leaving him in just his blacks, stamped with that bendu they couldn’t unpick or peel off. Sleek and broad-shouldered and solidly familiar in all his Rex-ness. It reduced her choice to something carnal, and her stomach roiled with shame. Ahsoka gripped the windowsill, unable to even face him in this small room made smaller by the hutt-sized bed.

“I’m taking a shower,” he declared behind her.

Ahsoka stood at the window and stared at their y-wing in the shiplot until her eyes crossed. In just her sparring bra and leggings, she probably looked like some sorry tailhead picked up the station who was already regretting her companion for the night.

Her regrets were abundant, certainly, but how could Rex be one?

The sonic hum ceased, eventually, followed by a rationed burst of water in the sink. Rex padded and rustled around the room. Ahsoka remained fixed to the window. She couldn’t bear to turn around and acknowledge the old sham that had never been so awkward. Faking wedded bliss was once a promise of things to come, not a reminder of everything that had gone wrong.

When Rex’s thighs pressed against hers from behind, Ahsoka nearly crashed into the ceiling.

“Soka,” he mumbled. He circled an arm around her waist, anchoring her, and thunked his forehead against her rear lek. The intimacy washed over Ahsoka like a warm bath. They hadn’t been this close since burying the last of the men they'd been able to reach; her head had bonked his as they arranged Fetch’s broken limbs, their tears that wouldn’t run dry mingling in dots on Fetch’s dusty armor.

“You don’t have to, Rex,” Ahsoka heaved, forcing the words out.

“What.”

“Pretend—pretend like we used to.”

He went very still, catching his next breath before it swept down her skin. “I was never pretending. Were you?”

She swallowed. “No.”

“Good. Didn’t think so.” His voice was husky. His cock was impossible to ignore. Hard and free, lengthening between her thighs where she stood quivering. “And I’m not pretending now,” he said, jerking up to jerk the blind down.

Ahsoka jolted. Rex still wanted her. Even if just to scratch an itch. Even if just to spend one more night in the slipstream of normalcy, before it dissipated forever. The thought was heady, a faceful of exhaled spice. His nakedness against her skin smouldered. This was the first thing that felt real, that felt normal, in days.

She reached for Rex’s hand and slipped it into her bra. Her nipple tightened at the contact, sparking something in her belly. When he palmed her with interest, she tugged the zip down at the front, freeing her breasts, and Rex shucked her bra from her arms.

Ahsoka shoved his other hand down the front band of her leggings. “Touch me, Rex,” she croaked, arching into him.

He obliged. His fingers spread her fine folds, thin from neglect and starved of blood. Ahsoka opened her thighs further, allowing him the full use of his broad hands. His slow, two-fingered strokes against her besh pulled her pleasure down until it pooled like hot oil that threatened to leak. Her arms, propped atop the windowsill, felt spongy and not equal to his skill. These were the same deft fingers that could shoot straight two seconds post-op, when he was still half-under—fingers that could take life and make it worth living. Rex had mastered this terrain a long time ago. He’d know exactly what to do next: two knotted joints would slide into her—

Rex backed off, to her thin moan of protest. “These need a wash,” he said. He squatted and rolled her leggings down to her ankles.

Ahsoka huffed at his martial fastidiousness. “So do I.” She’d only seen wet wipes since a sink in Sundari. But she’d always been an impatient, hitched-skirt of a lover, either by nature or necessity. Hard to know, anymore.

Her right foot was barely free from the fabric when Rex thrust two fingers into her slit. Ahsoka wobbled and choked on a squeal. The first gasp of the little death that was building in her core.

“You’ll just make another mess.” Rex curled his fingers against her ring, making her vision tremble, loosening her body’s grip around his knuckles until it proved his point. Her slick leaked out, wetting her upper thighs. She flopped forward onto her elbows and let her head hang heavy, to watch his face and watch the blue bleed into paleness down his brown skin.

“What are you going to do with my mess?” she panted.

“What I always do.” He brushed the back of his hand up her thighs, catching some of the slick and bringing it to his mouth. “Clean it up.”

It was definitely meant in tired jest. A natural answer in the easy back-and-forth they fell into before a fuck. But it hit different, now—now that she was standing over leggings still stained with moondirt and blood not her own. Ahsoka slumped forward, away from his hand. Had Rex not been clone-quick and stood to catch her, she’d have fallen to her knees against the wall, faceplanting into the grotty wallpaper where she belonged.

“Hey, hey, hey … ” He may have been trying for comfort, but his voice struck flat, like a flint against her heart; Ahsoka’s face flushed hot with tears. “Don’t think about it, Soka. Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn't have—stop blaming yourself.”

They’d already had this conversation—a few times before they’d even dug the first grave. I’d have done the same, he kept saying. But that was an empty reply to a question Ahsoka hadn’t asked, assuming her hypothetical boots in the situation. What would he, Captain Rex, brother and commander to those men, have chosen, if she hadn’t selfishly chosen for him?

And he refused tell her. Because he had his own guilt to bear. Because there was no easy refrain for the truth that would alienate the one person he had left: After what you did, I would have chosen my brothers. I should have chosen Jesse. Even in madness. Even in death.

Ahsoka sobbed, held in Rex’s silent, naked embrace. She was a juggle of raw emotions—guilt, devotion, shame, desire—each clamoring for primacy; some needed to fall naturally, or she’d be crushed trying to hold them all.

Her Force-blessed privilege had told her, you can fix this. She’d been so very wrong, and she’d taken everything from Rex in her blind panic of an attempt. But she could still give him this, at least: her body and small comforts.

Ahsoka breathed deeply through her nose, making a show of regaining composure. Rex's hands gripped his elbows around her. She unfastened one to guide it down to her besh again. “Please keep going,” she said hoarsely, nuzzling her montral against his cheek in encouragement.

His fingers weren’t eager. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“We’ll sleep better,” she countered. They hadn’t slept at all since passing out in their respective seats at the edge of a waystation’s artificial atmosphere. Too many unknowns, too much distance to cover. Surely this would ease some of the anxious wakefulness parked behind her eyes. Ahsoka reached back and found his halfie. It answered to the heel of her hand. “And you started it.”

Rex groaned into her lek, gripping her crotch. “Cockheaded shiny mistake.”

“Finish the drill." She bucked into him. “Please just fuck me out of my head.”

With a pained sound, he began stroking the length of her crotch, like he wanted to tease her in half. Her slit burned for lack of him. With every pass of his fingers, her core clenched as if to suck them in. Ahsoka tugged harder on his cock.

Rex tried to spin her around, weary of this mutual reacharound, but Ahsoka squared herself firmly. “No—from behind.”

His brothers had always held flashes of Rex in the twitch of their smiles, in the warmth of their eyes and the quirk of their earnest brows. Now she was sure it would torment her in reverse. She couldn’t meet his face right now. They were all carved into the features of each other. But saying as much would magnify his survivor’s guilt, adding a mirror to his own, until Rex was trapped in his own reflection.

“If you’re sure,” said the man who knew all her preferences, and doubted the choice of this one.

Ahsoka had all the vanity of a secondhand binary droid. That Rex also knew. She couldn’t quibble convincingly about her red eyes or puffy face. “I’m sure. I want you like this,” Ahsoka repeated, plaintively, rising on her toes in invitation to present her ass. “The harder the better. Like that night in Iziz—on the balcony.”

Rex paused, quickly fetching the memory. “You were in heat, then.” Read: it was easier to thrust like an animal because your besh was too loopy to bite back. A jealous urge to drive everyone else from her head had probably helped, too. It was the first time he’d ever marked her.

“Yeah, and I still can’t think of Onderon without getting wet. So just … take me back there.”

“Alright,” he said. “Into the glass you go. Hold on.”

Ahsoka shuddered at the gruffness in his voice. But Rex proposed himself gently, holding his stout head to her folds. She eased back to push her slit around it and stuff it through her ring. She groaned heavily around the space his cock took up. Then Rex plunged in, giving her the rest, until Ahsoka felt gluttonously full.

He hissed. “Stars almighty. Fuck.” He held still for a beat, as if to recalibrate his sensor array in the vacuum of her body. “You’re tighter than baby’s first blacks.” Like he had any reason to act surprised. But it was calming, in a crude way. One charade supplanted another, like this. They weren’t newlyweds: he was just some washed-up veteran looking for a good time, and she was a local dropout, cashing in on mundane speciesism to cover the debt.

Ahsoka latched onto the conceit and relaxed into the lewd delight of his nakedness flush against her. Of him inside her. “My tail—” She tilted her head back, to offer Rex the forbidden thing his eyes had lingered on since she’d rocked up again, taller and longer and fuller in interesting places. “Take it, Rex. Pull it.”

He didn’t need telling twice. Rex swept his palm along the underside, stopping finally to grab the midsection, just above the flare of her fattier tail. Ahsoka trembled when he squeezed, her nerves clattering between alarm and arousal. A tog who submitted to tailgrips was considered as base as a twi who invited lekjobs. But she had nothing to be missish about anymore, and certainly not with him.

And to be in thrall to Rex, her captain, this best of soldiers, was still a fucking thrill.

The ache of Rex’s grip warred with the pleasure of his hood sliding inside her walls—back and forth, back and forth, until he reached her ring, gauging the give he had to work with.

Holding fast, hand on lek and hip, Rex plowed into her.

Ahsoka cried out, rebracing her arms against the sill to counter him. She slickened further to the sound of smacking skin. What ass she had rippled with every punch of his thighs, and she hoped he was eating up the view.

A purr curled under Ahsoka's breath, sharpening into a growl at the strange clench around her headtail. If her adrenal system got too offended by the intensity of their fuck, she’d be drooling venom into the carpet and would have to sleep on the floor, away from him, for fear of a feral dream. She’d been gagged in Iziz.

“Drop my tail, Rex,” Ahsoka panted. “But don’t fucking stop.”

He let go, but his pace ebbed. Never would take her every order. “You alright?” he asked.

“Yes, yes,” she growled. “Mouth was going cottony.” Ahsoka rocked into him, testing her grip against his shaft. The window of opportunity was narrowing. “Harder,” she urged.

Rex held her hips to better his leverage. He thrust, again and again. Ahsoka tightened around him, his movement tugging her tacky cunt and plucking at her bliss. He took her with him as often as not.

Dropping to her elbows, Ahsoka dunked her head again to get an eyeful of his effort. Rex’s legs were sturdy and strong, flecked with fair hairs, knees pistoning his handsome, muscled thighs. Where they met, his sack hung gravid; it was ready to fill her, slapping her wet folds as they careened together. Her lekku tossed wildly, tits jiggling in time. She’d have to wait for her next heat for a real socking, but this was all Ahsoka needed, now. A vestibular riot. A rave of simple physicality.

Rex made a sound like straining plasteel. “‘m close—so close.”

Everything—all the sucking and jerking and grunting—coalesced in a ferment of pleasure, contracting around knowledge that Rex was the cause of it. Her brave, bright knight, a golden heart and warm smile at the end of so many shit days.

“Fuck—gods beyond, I’m gonna—Soka, I’m—” he groaned and spasmed hard. One shuddering arm landed beside her face.

A heat flooded through Ahsoka. She had to tell him—she had to warn him over the roar of climax in her own head. “Hold on, Rex—oh! Rex—” Her orgasm punched down. She lurched under it and into the curl of Rex’s arm, her senses whiting out.

There was really little danger of flying off in telekinetic euphoria. She and the Force hadn’t communed beyond the basics in days—suited her just fine, there wasn’t much to hear now, and the void was worse than anything. And she was beyond exhausted.

She remained rooted to Rex, held underneath him, sagging soggily. More comfortable than she’d been in weeks. Rex could probably maintain the hold for the next few inescapable minutes. But it was awkward.

So he shimmied them backwards to the bed, where he sank onto the mattress, bringing Ahsoka down with him, hugging her to his bare chest. He couldn’t do otherwise. Her besh had him in a primal lock, eager to relieve a togrutan penis of its seed; it regarded the presence a much broader human appendage as an affront. Ahsoka relished the fullness, but she’d long since been made aware that this aftermath sucked major dick, and no, that wasn’t just a turn of phrase. Untold millennia of reproductive evolution simply refused to recognize Rex’s frequent caller card—or accept that it’d have better luck sucking glue through a curly straw than getting viable swimmers out of a clone.

So they sat, waiting it out. Rex knew the drill.

Once or twice, Ahsoka’s lungs ballooned to speak, but she didn’t have any idea what would come out. Her lek was tucked into his neck. His carotid pulse thumped into her tips, and his strong heart beat solidly against her back. We’re still alive, she might have marvelled, had she not paid for it so heavily: a destroyer of men, whose valiant hearts lay dead as moondust.

At last, Rex sighed broadly, clearing himself out to say something. It took some time before he did, Ahsoka dreading all the while that they’d fucked an inch forward, only to fall a klick back.

“I forgive you, you know,” he said, factually. Like a reporter beginning a transcript of bad news. “For trying to save me. For not letting me march away.” The words were like the stubble on his cheek. Raspy. A little harsh. Trying, in particular, cut her deeply—and not just as someone who still half-believed herself a Jedi. Rex deemed her actions a failure … or unfinished, at best.

But Ahsoka had heard the words correctly, and there was no lie in them. Rex went further. “I’ve got … there’s a lot of work to do.”

There was a chink in the blastdoors. Held open in the way he rephrased what was on his mind. Ahsoka felt a draft of hope. “I’m here to help, Captain,” she said, completing a circle of intimacy as she took his hand. “If you want me.”

Rex twisted to look at her. She let him find her eyes. “I do,” he said. He squeezed her fingers and closed a bleeding circuit of faith with a kiss.

#rexsoka #asks #biscuit fic #rex/ahsoka

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wildbootsappeared · 4 years ago

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Continental Divides Chapter Discussion #14: A Fancy Word for Pollution

(Spoilers, as usual!)

One of my favorite things about Continental Divides is watching readers react and change teams as the plot unfolds to reveal new depths of human stupidity. “Yay, Magma is here to protect the protesters! Oh no, Magma is spilling oil now. But, yay, Aqua is helping clean up!” Welp. In Chapter 14: Liquid Courage, the other shoe has dropped (though the consequences won’t be clearer until a few more chapters).

“This. This is the shit.” He held up the gem, excitedly shaking his fist. “Fuck a fossil. Life depends on the simple shit at the bottom. You know, fidoplankton. Cyto—cynano—” Archie let out a guffaw. “Fuck. Sinobacteria.”

“Bacteria?” Natalie repeated, feeling stupid again.

“All the green shit of the ocean. Those little fuckers fix atmospheric carbon three times more effishi … better than plants. There’s bacteria that fuckin’ eat oil. You know? Unfuck the climate. Bring the dead patches back to life.” He waved the gem around some more. “A lil’ boost and life can start fixing isself.”

Boys n’ girls n’ friends beyond the binary, it’s time to talk about geo-engineering (sparkle sparkle).

Geo-engineering describes a number of different climate change interventions that attempt to counterbalance the increase of atmospheric greenhouse gases, whether by putting giant mirrors into orbit to reflect sun away from the earth (yes, really) or adding aerosols into the atmosphere to reduce the amount of sun that gets through. Most of these ideas haven’t been done yet, BTW, just discussed and studied. (FYI: Elon Musk is a big proponent, and that should tell you all you need to know about how dubious it all is.)

My version of Aqua is playing with a pokemon-y version of iron fertilization. Here’s the simple version.

Cyanobacteria and phytoplankton (or sinobacteria and fidoplankton if you’re a drunk pirate) are little photosynthetic guys living in the ocean. They’re really effective at fixing carbon (removing it from the atmosphere) not only because they use CO2 to photosynthesize but also because they’re very short-lived: when they die, they sink toward the bottom of the ocean, taking the carbon with them. The problem is that some parts of the ocean don’t have as many. The ocean is big, so if more of it were full of these little photosynthesis friends, maybe we’d have less of a CO2 problem, right?

Researchers have figured out that iron makes the little green guys grow better. (They don’t eat it or anything, but it’s a limiting factor in their growth). You can’t exactly just dump iron rods into the ocean--the little guys can’t break it down--but you can use iron sulfate, a water-soluble form. And, indeed, small-scale tests have shown that areas of the ocean that have been “iron-seeded” produce more planton.

So what’s the problem? Most of it’s scale: there’s a big difference between trying out it in a little patch of water ... and doing it everywhere. Scientists use computer models to try to guess what might happen ... but it’s still tough to predict. Some models suggest it could help, but others suggest it wouldn’t have a very big effect if any, and others suggest it could actually worsen ocean acidification and oceanic carbon fixing. The biggest risk, according to these models, comes when iron fertilization is done in a stop-and-start way (say, for example, if a country elects a politician who’s all for it and then four years later elects someone else who cancels it). And you can’t exactly take the stuff out of the water once it’s in there--it’s a done deal.

In July 2012, a guy named Archie Armstrong Russ George tried this, and there was huge public outrage. I’m not sure what, if anything, happened to him as a result. He might’ve broken international law ... but also the law doesn’t have much in it to deal with “rogue actors,” so it sounds like he got yelled at and that’s about it. It also might be a while before any impacts of his actions become clear. Scientists are learning more all the time ... but there’s a lot we just don’t know yet. The ocean is big and scientific research is slow.

For Archie and Aqua, there will definitely be consequences, as we’ll see shortly. Pokemon gives me lots of ways to speed things up and crank up the knob on the Drama setting. >:)

A possible summary for Divides: what if pokemon made everything worse?

Anyway, a lot of this will sound familiar next chapter when Maxie throws in his two cents. See y’all in Mauville.

#continental divides #writing about writing #pokemon fic #pokefic #pokemon fanfic #water pollution #environmentalism #climate change

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soveryanon · 5 years ago

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Reviewing time for MAG172!

- I didn’t truly believe that we would encounter a Web domain so soon, since somehow I still pictured it as the very last thing standing between Jon&Martin and the Panopticon. It means that the domains that I was expecting to be the most “heavy” on the boys, the Lonely and the Web, are already behind us (we’re down to Hunt, Vast, Dark, Spiral, and Eye).

- The “thanks Alex” Fun™ Fact of the episode was that he used the sounds of spider mating calls in this one. Alex, why.

- With MAG170, this was amongst the most “empathetic” episodes of the season so far? Or at least as far as the Fears domains are concerned? It was closer to the way older statements were framed: it really felt like someone’s story, someone’s personal struggles and life, the horrible things happening to them. I’m a bit less fond of statements this season, overall, because they feel too voyeuristic (I know, that’s the point!), because it’s decontextualised people reduced to their fears and nothing more… but Francis’s story really felt heart-wrenching.

And it was an incredibly harsh episode, dealing with codifications, scripted situations, stage&audience conspiring against the “puppet” (the audience laughing at Francis’s misery), down to the audience call excluding the non-binary protagonist (“Ladies and gentlemen”), physical cruelty (the hooks, the spiders). I like how Francis’s “act” worked, both by highlighting that they had absolutely no chance of ever winning the play on their terms, since the Spider was deploying everything against them (physical restrains, pain, psychological torture and the voices of close ones for more pressure and impacts)… and yet, that we saw them still fiercely trying to reject what the Spider wanted, still able to tell that this was not what they wanted. It was also a good move that, in this one, Francis was a victim from start to finish: not pitted against others; the addiction wasn’t making them a danger for anyone else, it was first and foremost about them, what they wanted for themselves, how others’ casual cruelty was in the way and isolated them further, leaving them at the mercy of the Spider and its hooks. If there was someone “winning”, it was the Spider (managing to give birth to many others); all of this was solely for its benefit.

It seems to be part of The Web’s game to allow some resistance, to revel in internal conflicts, but it doesn’t remove the fact that Francis had been tortured for 48068 acts, and that they were still trying to reject it.

- We got a few interesting formats so far: The Stranger's poem (MAG165), The End’s Coroner’s report (MAG168), The Flesh’s botanical book (MAG171), and now The Web’s play (MAG172)… which was awful(ly clever), with the puppet/puppeteer’s dynamic.

Nothing new about The Web preying on vulnerable/isolated people, and especially people dealing with addiction, it’s been a reoccurring thing: Raymond Fielding had taken in kids that the system didn’t know how to handle (and nobody was suspecting anything when, as “legal adults”, they were disappearing); a Spider person had tried to get Trevor off her back by making old needs resurface; Annabelle’s first encounter with The Web, if she were to be believed, was through a victim who had suffered with drug addiction; there is a huge proportions of smoker characters in Web-related statements, and there is still Jon’s lighter and Jon starting to smoke again after he got it.

Same thing: nothing new about The Web having a knack for stories and the entertainment arts! We had two statements dealing with movies, Annabelle taunting Jon about having possibly lied during her own statements, Annabelle’s website searching for stories…

- WOW, did this domain come for Jon’s throat as the ~Apocalypse-bringer~

(MAG172) THE SPIDER: Oh, Francis… It’s such a shame, but I couldn’t do such a thing even if I wanted to! The man in the audience saw to that! [CHUCKLES] I am no more free than you are, little puppet. Ah! If only you could see the strings that bind me, that wind together as they pull me along my own path…! Perhaps then, you would not blame me so. But they are not the tripping threads that we are here to watch – no. So sit, Francis. It’s time…!

That gaslighting and self-victimisation from the monster who was pulling the strings and doing a show to generate more of itself (both fears and spiders). First time one directly referred to Jon’s presence, of course it would be a Web one, uh…

- There was an awful parallel between Francis’s story, the Spider forcing the consumption on them, and Jon… for the first time, getting stuck in a loop of stories as the next act was beginning. Is Jon reacting to the domain’s logic (since this one works on the long term, the accumulation, the fact that Francis knew that their torture would keep going and happen again and again)? Was it The Web purposefully trying to trap Jon here? Was Jon more susceptible to this domain given his own experience with The Web and his relying on statements? Would Jon even have been able to leave if Martin hadn’t been there to stop it…?

(Jon had already been vulnerable to the cabin, as he discovered in MAG162: the domains and the new reality can affect him. Jon had pointed out that The Eye didn’t want Jon to stay there; it’s not surprising, but incredibly bold to see that a Web domain tried to trap Beholding’s precious little Archivist…)

- Second time that Martin had to forcefully interrupt Jon mid-statement:

(MAG169) ARCHIVIST: The photos on the wall of her family–”MARTIN: [MUFFLED, DISTANT] Jon! [STATIC INCREASES] ARCHIVIST: “–whose faces seem indistinct but she knows–” MARTIN: [MUFFLED, DISTANT] Jon! ARCHIVIST: “–that she loves, begin to blacken, as the glass–” MARTIN: [MUFFLED, DISTANT] Jon! [COUGHS] ARCHIVIST: “–pops out of the frame.” MARTIN: [MUFFLED, DISTANT] Jon, she’s here! ARCHIVIST: “Her home is being eaten alive by–” MARTIN: [CLOSER] Please come back! ARCHIVIST: “–this devouring Desolation–” MARTIN: JON! ARCHIVIST: “–and she–” [RESOUNDING SLAP] [STATIC FADES] MARTIN: She’s here! [COUGHS]

(MAG172) AUDIENCE (BACKGROUND): [LOUD CLAPS AND CHEERING] [STATIC RISES] ARCHIVIST: “The tragedy of Francis. A comic puppet show in all acts. Act 48068.” MARTIN: [MUFFLED, DISTANT] Jon? ARCHIVIST: “A stage that is a room that remains a stage.” MARTIN: [MUFFLED, DISTANT] Jon, one is enough. ARCHIVIST: “The audien–” [RESOUNDING SLAP] [STATIC FADES] AUDIENCE (BACKGROUND): [CONSTANT MUFFLED LAUGHTERS] ARCHIVIST: Oh… Oh, wh–what? MARTIN: … Sorry. You were starting another and, I didn’t want to wait. We should get going.

And the trick definitely seems to be not being in Jon’s presence while he settles into statement-mode, or it prevents anyone from being able to interrupt? Martin wasn’t able to stop him during MAG167 (but that statement had been sneaky about its start), and he didn’t when they were in Jared’s garden either…

* Daisy listened to Jon reading two statements during season 4 (MAG133 and MAG136) and, although it was part of their deal that she would not interrupt, I wonder if she could have, back then? Jon had gotten interrupted a lot during season 1 and 2, but it was by people walking into his office while he had begun reading alone.

* … I’m still not sure that Basira could have stopped Jon in MAG141, when he forced Floyd to give his statement? Jon told her that she could have but hadn’t because she wanted to know too, but he was also, quite frankly, full of shit and trying to avoid his own responsibility with regards to his victims, back then.

* It’s interesting that Jon’s “statement bubble” is now constantly showing to muffle sounds from the exterior (/from an extra-diegetic level) when he’s giving the statement. The tape recorder only catches Martin’s voice muffled, far, as if behind another layer. But once Martin broke Jon out of it, the cheers, laughs and claps from the audience, which used to be very distinct and present, were the ones suddenly sounding far away (while Martin was on the same level as Jon). We’ve been told, again and again, that the tape recorders are not neutral, but I find quite interesting the fact that they’re “translating” the different levels around Jon in this way?

- On first listen, I had failed to understand that Martin was actually meant to stay around Jon – like in MAG171, and like he had done in MAG163 when they discovered Jon’s new need to pour out about the domains:

(MAG163) ARCHIVIST: You probably want to wait outside. MARTIN: … Hum, no?! ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] Well… Put your fingers in your ears then, I, I suppose. […] Martin…? [DRIP] Martin? [DRIP] Martin, I hate your tea, and wish you made coffee instead…! [DRIP] … Alright, then. […] End recording…! [CLEARS THROAT] [SHUFFLING] MARTIN: Mm? All done? ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Yes. [EXHALE] MARTIN: Good.

(MAG164) ARCHIVIST: We’re fine. MARTIN: A–are we? I mean, that place is– … I don’t, I don’t feel fine, okay, and you were there a long time doing your… y–you–your guidebook, which, you know, I get it, but that place is… I–it’s–it’s infectious, and, I don’t–

(MAG165) ARCHIVIST: You, uh… [SHUFFLING] You might want to take a bit of a walk. This… feels like a strange one… [LOUDER SCREAMS IN THE DISTANCE] MARTIN: What does “strange” mean, with something like this? ARCHIVIST: Don’t think you want to know…! MARTIN: Good point. Hum, o–kay, well, uh… Good luck, I’ll be… uh, o–over there! [BAG JOSTLING] [DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] … Right.

(MAG166) MARTIN: Do you need anything? ARCHIVIST: No. MARTIN: Fine, I’ll just… [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] Ye–yeah, right. [BAG JOSTLING] [DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS] ARCHIVIST: [EXHALE]

(MAG168) ARCHIVIST: Now, if you’re quite done inciting me to murder? MARTIN: Not “murder”! Smiting. ARCHIVIST: [FOND SIGH] MARTIN: Right, yes, yes, of course. You… [INHALE] You vomit your horrors. [SIGH] ARCHIVIST: [REVULSED SOUND] Uh! I’m… not sure I like that metaphor…! MARTIN: “Puke your terrors”? ARCHIVIST: … Just go. MARTIN: Alright. Fine, I’m going. [BAG JOSTLING] [DEPARTING FOOTSTEPS]

(MAG170) MARTIN: Why am I here? I… I, I fell behind. I was, I was too slow, and, and, and the fog caught up, I was… I was following, al–always following, never leading; never leading. Why did he leave me behind? Di–did he? […] I thought you’d left me behind…! Gone on without me. ARCHIVIST: No, never…! N–never, I–I just… [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] I, I didn’t want to… look too ha–, I–I–I promised I wouldn’t… know you, and, and with the fog in all–all the rooms, I’ll, I just, I lost y–, I… I–I’m sorry.

(MAG171) JARED: [LONG MEATY INHALE, EXHALE] Cheers for that! ARCHIVIST: … Don’t. MARTIN: Jon, are you… alright? ARCHIVIST: Yeah, hum… Sorry. MARTIN: No, it, it’s alright.

(MAG172) ARCHIVIST: If you’re bored, you could always… take in a show. MARTIN: That’s… That’s not funny, Jon. ARCHIVIST: If you say so…! MARTIN: Just… [INHALE] Just give me a shout when you’re done, alright? [BAG JOSTLING] [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] ARCHIVIST: … Good. Right. […] MARTIN: … Sorry. You were starting another and, I didn’t want to wait. We should get going. ARCHIVIST: Y–you were listening, I… I–I–I thought that you– MARTIN: No, I… Not for most of it. I just thought I heard… something. Whatever. I went exploring, alright? I don’t know why; I shouldn’t have. […] Can we just go, please? ARCHIVIST: Of course, but… You were safe here. And after everything that’s already happened, I… I–I just don’t understand why you would– MARTIN: [SHAKEY] Me neither, okay! ARCHIVIST: What? MARTIN: I mean, that’s it, isn’t it?! I don’t know! I don’t know why I went exploring!

So they’ve truly learned from the Lonely house: Martin had to stay in MAG163 when they discovered Jon’s new predicament; then starting MAG164, Martin began to leave Jon alone for his statements, not keen to listen to them. In MAG170, they lost sight of each other in the house – since then, Martin has gone back to staying around Jon, trying to not listen (except, precisely, that Martin went wandering off in MAG172, which he wasn’t supposed to do, and came back… just in time when Jon was beginning a new cycle). Trials and errors.

- MMMMM, so this is the second time Martin did something, wasn’t exactly able to explain why he had done it, was questioned about it, and the matter was ultimately left hanging:

(MAG134) PETER: What does puzzle me, though, and I mean that genuinely, is… why you were piling tape recorders onto the coffin, while Jon was in there. [PAUSE] It’s a question, Martin, it’s– it’s not an accusation. MARTIN: I don’t know. And I just… felt like it might help. He’s always recording, I thought… it–it might help him… find his way out. PETER: Interesting. Were you compelled? MARTIN: [SULLEN] … I don’t know. … M–maybe? I–I, I definitely wanted to do it… PETER: But? MARTIN: I’m… I’m not sure where the idea came from. PETER: You should watch out for that. Could be something dangerous. MARTIN: Sure.

(MAG172) MARTIN: No, I… Not for most of it. I just thought I heard… something. Whatever. I went exploring, alright? I don’t know why; I shouldn’t have. […] Can we just go, please? ARCHIVIST: Of course, but… You were safe here. And after everything that’s already happened, I… I–I just don’t understand why you would– MARTIN: [SHAKEY] Me neither, okay! ARCHIVIST: What? MARTIN: I mean, that’s it, isn’t it?! I don’t know! I don’t know why I went exploring! ARCHIVIST: Are you saying you were… compelled? MARTIN: I’m saying I don’t know, do I? I thought I was just curious, it felt like curiosity, but… given where we are, and with The Web everywhere, and Annabelle Cane still out there playing mind games with payphones, I just… [SIGH] I mean, how do you even know if it’s your motivation, you know? Being here… [SIGH] I–it just makes me second-guess all of it, and I… I don’t like it, it… really scares me.

Regarding Martin putting the tape recorders on the Coffin: Jonah didn’t claim it to be his doing in MAG160 (I thiiink that Peter was suspicious of Elias influencing Martin then, since he also checked that Elias wasn’t overstepping in MAG158…), so probs wasn’t him. Annabelle pointed out to Jon that she had sometimes helped “to keep you safe” in MAG147, I still feel like it was most likely her doing?

Two things were interesting here: that Martin began exploring, and that he came back just in time to stop Jon. The first one left Jon vulnerable, allowing him to potentially get trapped in the cycle of Francis’s Acts; the second one… allowed Martin to make him snap out of it just in time. Or the wandering may have “protected” Martin from being trapped in Jon’s statement, too, because he could have accidentally begun listening if he’d hung around?

(A bit afraid about the fact that, twice, it was shown that as long as Martin didn’t slap Jon out of a statement, he wouldn’t stop: it makes Jon and Martin both vulnerable to their surroundings if they’re not together. Jon gets trapped in the statement, while Martin’s main protection is still Jon… That sounds a bit like a weakness that could get used against them at some point? ;;)

- SOB about Martin mentioning he was (probably) motivated by “curiosity”, since it has been hammered in that… it isn’t a good thing for Beholding-touched people to indulge themselves too much, tends to cause their downfall, and has even allowed The Spider to sneak in and weave its Web:

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: “When Gertrude was appointed to the role, there was a single survivor left in the Archives: a woman by the name of Fiona Law. Fiona was the most fascinating combination of curiosity and cowardice, pushing forward and forward into the unknown, until the very first moment of threat… crystallised. […] She had never got deep enough into the mysteries that plagued her to slake that burning curiosity. And she never would. […] But Emma had a sickness. As much as she might have despised the ageing Fiona, it was the same one that plagued her: curiosity. That desperate, grasping need to know. […] There was a fire to Sarah Carpenter, perhaps the one which led to Gertrude hiring her, and Emma’s curiosity ignited once again, this time keen to find out exactly what it would take to break this brave investigator of the unknown.”

No wonder Martin Is Feeling So Threatened Right Now, after having learned about Emma (Beholding assistant taken over by The Web… and become a master at deceiving her Archivist).

- Martin rejected the Lonely house, so does it mean that other domains will be trying to seduce him, now? It’s interesting that he reacted to the theatre in a way that was very similar to the house, which was supposed to be “his” (but wasn’t “anymore”):

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: We all have a domain here, Martin. The place that feeds us. MARTIN: Oh. [PAUSE] Where’s yours? ARCHIVIST: [MIRTHLESS CHUCKLE] I mean, we’re… traveling towards it. MARTIN: Oh! Right, obviously. [CHUCKLING] Duh. Hum… What about me? ARCHIVIST: … Would you… like me to… ? MARTIN: No, no. Don’t tell me. I don’t want to know.

(MAG170) MARTIN: Do I have a home? This, this place feels like it’s all… for me, I think, but I don’t… [CREAKING OF A DOOR] I don’t like it here. […] I feel like there’s somewhere I need to be, but… But no, no; this is my house, [CHUCKLE] where else would I need to be? […] You, you are Martin Blackwood; yes. You–you didn’t choose to be here. Jon is coming. I am Martin Blackwood, and I am not lonely anymore, I am not lonely anymore! […] Jon, it’s… okay. I promise it’s okay. This place tried, it really did, and honestly I… I wanted to believe it. But I didn’t. ARCHIVIST: This… “place”, i–it… [STATIC] My God…! MARTIN: Yeah… [SILENCE] ARCHIVIST: M–Martin, if you… did; i–if you wanted to forget… a–all of it, stay here and just… escape. I… I would understand. […] I, I just… I wanted to make sure that you knew what this place was. MARTIN: It’s The Lonely, Jon. It’s me. ARCHIVIST: [INHALE] Not anymore. MARTIN: Hm! No. [LONG INHALE, EXHALE] No…! Not anymore.

(MAG172) MARTIN: No, I… Not for most of it. I just thought I heard… something. Whatever. I went exploring, alright? I don’t know why; I shouldn’t have. […] ARCHIVIST: Are you saying you were… compelled? MARTIN: I’m saying I don’t know, do I? I thought I was just curious, it felt like curiosity, but… given where we are, and with The Web everywhere, and Annabelle Cane still out there playing mind games with payphones, I just… […] ARCHIVIST: Would you like to leave now? [BAG JOSTLING] AUDIENCE (BACKGROUND): [LAUGHS] MARTIN: … Yeah, screw this place. Never liked theatre anyway.

Interesting, too, that there are a few parallels right now with the situation in which Martin had initially encountered Peter in MAG108: while reading a theatre-related statement, isolated and scared. Even Jon’s way of describing The Lonely’s “seductiveness” was quite reminiscent of The Web (especially in Francis’s story):

(MAG150) ARCHIVIST: The Lonely is… possibly the most insidious of the powers, I believe. Certainly it is the one that… most delights in having you do its work for it. Even the Spiders seem to have a hard time matching it for sheer seductiveness. [HUFF] “Time to yourself”, “self-care”, “putting yourself forward”… “not being a burden on those you care about”… [PAUSE] It doesn’t even need to tell you any lies; just waits for the lies you tell yourself.

So… a few similarities in the way The Lonely and The Web are shown trying to seduce Martin? Martin seemed to reject the theatre, but it could do a Peter with him and go… persistent.

(So obligatory “this is how Web!Martin can still win”, and it’s never not a good time to remind myself of:

(MAG138) MARTIN: I think he wants me to join The Lonely. ELIAS: Then it sounds like you have a decision to make. [SILENCE] MARTIN: �� What? [HUFF] That’s it? No, no monologue, no mindgames? You love manipulating people! ELIAS: That makes two of us. MARTIN: [HUFF]

(MAG158) MARTIN: Oh, I’m getting there, but if this is the final test or something? Then bad luck. The answer’s still “no”. [FOOTSTEPS] PETER: … No. No! This isn’t fair, do you have any idea what you’ve done? You knew, he must have– MARTIN: Elias– … Jonah had nothing to do with it. PETER: No! That’s not– You can’t– ELIAS: You’ve lost, Peter. Admit it. [CHUCKLE] He played you like a… like a cheap whistle. PETER: No! Shut up!

Because gnnnnnnnnnnniiiiiiiiiih.)

- It was a bit of a (pleasant) surprise that Jon&Martin didn’t meet Annabelle in the obligatory Web domain of their journey! But it makes us go back to the usual question: where is she, why is she not showing herself directly, what does she want, why can’t Jon see where she is?

(MAG172) MARTIN: Jon, what does The Web want? It’s… I mean, we know it’s got a plan, can’t you just… see what it is? ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] “Knowing”, “seeing”… i–it’s not the same thing as… understanding. Every time I try to know what The Web’s plan is, if it can even be called a plan, I see… a hundred thousand events and causes and links, an impossibly intricate pattern of consequences and subtle nudges, but I–I can’t…! … I can’t hold them all in my head at the same time. There’s no way to see the “whole”, the, the point of it all. I can see all the details, but it doesn’t… provide… context or… intention. I suppose The Web doesn’t work in knowledge, not in the same way. MARTIN: … Oh. Right. [SIGH] ARCHIVIST: Sorry. MARTIN: … And Annabelle? ARCHIVIST: Still can’t see her. If it wasn’t for the phone call, I’d have said she was probably already dead…! MARTIN: Yeah… [SIGH]

Jon had trouble seeing when inside of Hill Top Road, back in MAG147 (though he blamed it on having recently encountered The Dark). Could she be there? On the other side of the crack? Waiting inside of the Panopticon/Institute? On the back of Jon’s head? Being many many spiders, as an avatar, and thus impossible to locate because she’s plural? Technically dead already, but having planned and foreseen how the phone call with Martin would go, leaving a pre-recorded message that would play exactly as needed? That makes a lot of people that Jon has trouble seeing in the new world, with Georgie&Melanie, Jonah…

- I’m still laughing a lot that the beginning of the episode felt very much like Jon asking for a bathroom break:

(MAG172) ARCHIVIST: Ah… Hold up, I–I need to, uh… [RUSTLING OF CLOTHES] MARTIN: Now, seriously? We’re almost out of here. ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] I’m sorry…! Not really up to me…! MARTIN: Fine. [SIGH]

Martin: When are we getting to the Panopticon!! Can’t we take another direction or a shortcut? I don’t like these places. Jon: Can we stop for a bit? I really need a break!! Right now!!

Awful kids, do not go on vacation with them.

- Eeeeeeh that Jon&Martin’s tastes in media are so different!

(MAG136) ARCHIVIST: Hm. Neil Lagorio… You ever see any of his work? DAISY: No. Not really into films. ARCHIVIST: Oh, they were… Well, let’s just say that it’s not a complete shock there was something unnatural to them. Didn’t know we had copies in the Institute, though; let alone original cuts. [CHUCKLE] Records indicate they [PAPERS RUSTLING] ended up in… Artefact Storage. DAISY: Probably best that they stay there. ARCHIVIST: … Yeah. Yes, of course.

(MAG165) MARTIN: Was it a good poem? ARCHIVIST: I don’t know! “No”? You’re the poetry expert, Martin, not me…! […] Then I don’t know what you mean, Martin, I’m not a poetry person, I don’t… “get it”. I never have. MARTIN: That’s… That’s fine, I understand…! ARCHIVIST: Look. I’m better than I was; I used to think all poetry was bad. MARTIN: Sorry, what?! ARCHIVIST: I mean, I just thought of… [SIGH] I sort of thought it was pointless! Just… write some prose and stop… wasting everyone’s time! MARTIN: Hm! What changed? ARCHIVIST: I don’t know, I just… mellowed on it, I suppose. MARTIN: That’s… kind of weird. ARCHIVIST: In my defence, there is a lot of bad poetry out there.

(MAG167) ARCHIVIST: … Methinks the Spider doth protest too much…! [BAG JOSTLING] MARTIN: Jon. ARCHIVIST: Joking! Just joking.

(MAG172) MARTIN: … Yeah, screw this place. Never liked theatre anyway.

I hope that Theatre Kid Jon felt personally offended by that last one. (I’m really waiting for Martin to learn that Jon has been listening to The Archers.)

- It had been highlighted in season 3 that Martin didn’t really get Jon’s sense of humour. The archival staff overall had a general tendency to resort to dark/insensitive humour to cope with their situation, but ;; I side with Martin on how right now, it doesn’t feel relieving or reassuring that Jon makes small jokes about the horror befalling people:

(MAG171) ARCHIVIST: It takes a skilled gardener to get them to grow like this. The curling, cascading intricacies of collagen and marrow… it takes devotion. MARTIN: Jon. [FOOTSTEPS STOP] [WHIMPERS IN THE BACKGROUND] ARCHIVIST: … S–sorry. MARTIN: You sound like you think they’re beautiful. [FOOTSTEPS RESUME] ARCHIVIST: Don’t you? [SILENCE]

(MAG172) ARCHIVIST: If you’re bored, you could always… take in a show. MARTIN: That’s… That’s not funny, Jon. ARCHIVIST: If you say so…! […] Ticket for one, then, I suppose.

… because we don’t really know if Jon wants to make them stop?

(“Ticket for one”, tho, was INCREDIBLE and very “jON.”)

- … When Jon told Martin to try to not focus too much on which part of his actions/decisions could be due to The Web:

(MAG172) MARTIN: I’m saying I don’t know, do I? I thought I was just curious, it felt like curiosity, but… given where we are, and with The Web everywhere, and Annabelle Cane still out there playing mind games with payphones, I just… [SIGH] I mean, how do you even know if it’s your motivation, you know? Being here… [SIGH] I–it just makes me second-guess all of it, and I… I don’t like it, it… really scares me. ARCHIVIST: I, uh… MARTIN: Oh, don’t say that’s what it wants, I know. ARCHIVIST: I, I wasn’t going to. […] Don’t do this to yourself, Martin. This is what it wants, the, the paranoia. [SIGH] Trust me, I, I know. MARTIN: … Fair.

… he indeed reaaaally knew from experience. MAG147 had visible effects on him, to the point that Melanie directly addressed it and Annabelle became a regular potential culprit in Jon’s mind alongside Peter and Elias:

(MAG147) ARCHIVIST: I’m sure the flares will work fine. … I mean, un–unless it’s all some… elaborate… plot… to have us… burn this place down again. BASIRA: So what if it is? ARCHIVIST: I don’t follow…? BASIRA: I mean. Anything we do could be part of the “Grand Master Plan”. So – what, we do nothing? Just… sit on our hands, and hope that’s not what the spiders want? ARCHIVIST: [SIGH]

(MAG150) ARCHIVIST: Melanie, could you… could you describe your therapist for me? MELANIE: [CHUCKLING] What? You think I wouldn’t notice if she had cobwebs down her face? ARCHIVIST: … No? […] It’s just… The Web can be subtle, you understand? MELANIE: And? For all you know, its plan is to paralyse you with indecision…! ARCHIVIST: [SIGH] MELANIE: Leaving you… sitting here, terrified that… everything you do is somehow all part of its Grand Plan… And who do you think that fear is gonna feed? ARCHIVIST: Yes, well. [INHALE] You are… not the first, to make that point.

(MAG157) ARCHIVIST: [LONG INHALE, EXHALE] This… tape was left on my desk. I don’t know by who, but to my mind there are… three options. Martin has left it here, to let me know that… whatever the situation is with Peter Lukas, it is entering its final act and he needs my help. Alternatively, Peter may have left it here to… goad me into action? Or just to gloat, to highlight my helplessness and everything. [SIGH] Or Annabelle Cane is trying to manipulate me into thinking it’s one of the other scenarios. Previously, the Spiders have made their presence clear when they’ve sent me… “hints”, but I can’t take that for granted. I don’t know what to do…!

(MAG158) ARCHIVIST: And I don’t keep any of them with the key to the tunnels. It’s been left for me. DAISY: And it says “Play me.” Kind of suspicious. BASIRA: So Elias left it? ARCHIVIST: Or Martin. O–or Peter, or… Annabelle!

(And we still don’t know who had left the tapes and Adelard’s last statement. Peter and Martin didn’t mention them, nor did Elias, which indeed leaves The Web for these ones…)

I love that since season 4, Martin’s answer tends to be “screw it, I hate this, bye”: with Peter and Elias’s live-divorce, with the Lonely house, now with The Web doing… something to him. Trying to call to him? To make him hear “the music”, as Simon’s allegory had described it?

- So Jon has trouble seeing ~the big picture~ of The Web:

And how ~convenient~ that the Vast grandpa wasn’t dead by the time of season 4, and is probably Enjoying Sky Blue in a domain of his own:

(MAG151) SIMON: Peter, however, seems to think that it will upset the balance that we all have an awful lot invested in. And he’s not at all certain the world as we understand will come out the other side. MARTIN: And let me guess – you think he can’t see the “big picture”? SIMON: [INHALE] I see why he likes you! MARTIN: [SIGH] SIMON: It’s all a matter of perspective, you see. My patron has gifted me with… quite frankly, an absurdly long life. An appropriate gift, and one that serves to provide a certain distance from things. Of course, a paltry few centuries is nothing, really, but it’s more than most get. And even in that brief time, I’ve seen all sorts of ebbs and flows to balance off things.

We’ve yet to cross a Vast domain, Jon said he REALLY didn’t want to meet Simon ever, Simon was incredibly smitten with Martin… there is still hope for Meeting-Simon-in-the-Vast-domain.

(- Sounds like Jon remembers Helen’s point about “knowing” and “understanding” being two different things (with Jon adding “seeing”):

(MAG164) HELEN: And please: my name is “Helen”. ARCHIVIST: Like you said, I can know everything now. Including how much of a lie that really is. HELEN: Don’t mistake “complication” for “falsehood”, dear Archivist. ARCHIVIST: [AGGRAVATED EXHALE] HELEN: And remember, that knowledge is not the same thing as understanding.

And now I’m remembering that The Distortion used to be curious about the house on Hill Top Road, but not really able to tell what The Spider was doing there… Did Helen get her answers in season 4?)

- Oufft re: Martin&Jon’s discussion:

(MAG172) ARCHIVIST: I was going to suggest that… I could… maybe… “know”. I could look. Just a quick peek, to, to see if it was just curiosity, or… something else. … Well? MARTIN: I don’t… If you look, and I was… “influenced”, then how can I trust anything else? How can I believe any of my thoughts and feelings are really mine? ARCHIVIST: U–uh, well… I–I–I’ll still be here to check, I–I’m not leaving you. MARTIN: Sure, but you’d be looking through the details of everything that ever crosses my mind? I don’t want that! Y–you know I don’t want that. ARCHIVIST: … I know. […] So… Do you want me to? To, to tell you if…? MARTIN: No. [SIGH] No, I’ll just have to live with it, I guess. Hardly the worst thing I’ll have gone through since– … I, hum. I–it’s fine. [SIGH]

I really liked how it absolutely didn’t feel like an argument (and wasn’t one!): Martin has objections, has the power to make a decision, and gets the last word… since it primarily involves himself. I appreciate that Martin was able to tell the main flaw of Jon’s offer – knowing what is happening could provide a temporary relief… but wouldn’t offer a sustainable existence for him (if The Web isn’t trying to manipulate Martin now, it doesn’t mean that it won’t try later, which means that Jon would have to check regularly; and if Martin is under influence… indeed, Martin couldn’t trust himself anymore, and depending on Jon’s power to check everything would turn Martin’s existence into a half-life. And it would still feed The Web in the process). Kudos to Jon for his restraint, too, because given his insistence, he’s probably curious/afraid about it, but he hasn’t broken his promise of avoiding to “know” about Martin and he laid out Martin’s options, leaving the decision to him. On that front, they’re doing fine!

Title for MAG173 very much screams “Dark, duh?!” but it feels very easy, so is it a trap. I could see the link if it were Vast or Hunt, too, but really, it just screams Dark. … And it could work for a character death episode, but I feel like every title can read like a character death episode one way or another. (Worried about Daisyyyy…)

#1 #2 #3 #4 #5 #the magnus archives #tma liveblog #mag172 #tma spoilers/#long post/#tma season 5

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thestudyfeels · 6 years ago

Text

100 Days of Sweat

Welcome to the official admission post for the 100 days of sweat challenge! *plays the conquer theme song and does a booty pop* This is a pretty long post, but has everything you need to start, so read on!

READING TIME: 6 minutes.

OoOh? What's that?

Thanks for coming out of the cave! In short, it's a consistency challenge to turn working out into a habit.

You've basically got to move your body for a 100 days straight. No slacking, no backing out!

Most take on this challenge personally, but I felt accountability would be great for those beginning with exercising & those who can't seem to keep their streak (cough, me).

Sounds fun! How do I join? Do I need to do a booty pop too?

Booty pops are appreciated. But here's how!

1. First things first, decide whether you'll be joining via IG, Discord or staying on Tumblr.

2. If using IG, reply to this post with your handle or (alternative) if you'd like, join Discord instead! For that, click here to join the server!

(NOTE: Those who joined via the first post I created regarding this needn't reply again! I've already added you to the list.)

3. Lastly, boost this! Reblog, get your followers to join! Drag your friend or sibling in! (already dragged my bestie into this in case no one joined in lmao)

Important PSA: yO, ANYONE can join! All my beginners and winners, young teens and old pals, drarry fans and johnlock shippers, team cold water AND hot water (sparing y'all because I stan working out more), EVERYONE!

Here's what I'll do:

I'm creating an IG group for those interested in staying fully committed. (Pros include making friends! Or enemies, for a hundred whole days! Some of you might even get married together, I have high hopes because wedding cake is everything)

Sayani from @studign-stars will be the admin for Discord! You can hit her up for queries, if any.

In short, there'll be 3 separate groups. One for those joining via Discord, one for those on the IG group, and a third for those staying on Tumblr.

If you wish to use any other platforms like Snapchat and Twitter, feel free! Also plug your progress on Tumblr too so we can hype each other on! (tag stuff with #100dos)

+ That said, I highly suggest joining either one of the groups, for accountability does wonders. It's now up to you, fellow warrior.

How to prep for this challenge:

OhO! There's a whole lot prepping to be slayed. To finish this challenge as smoothly as possible, here's a few steps. Make this easier for yo’ lazy bum.

1+ Firstly, grab a marker and scrap paper (when you on a student budget, cuz same) and write down numbers from 1 to 100. I did 1 to 30 to prevent myself from being overwhelmed, but do right them numbers to gain momentum.

2+ Take couple before photos. From the front, and the side. If you don't want to, take them anyway and store it in a folder you never open. Also measure your weight, and if you have a measuring tape, take other basic measurements of the chest, waist, arm etc.

3+ Coming to the main part! Pick your 'base’ routine. This is the primary workout you wanna do 2-3 times a week. It's the main course!

For beginners, I suggest choosing a 15 min full body workout. Do try it out before you start 100 days— make sure it's challenging enough.

For those who already move their bodies, pick a workout that aligns with your long-term goals. If you want toned legs, pick a leg day routine. If you want abs, focus on abs.

My base routine is the Beginner's Bodyweight Workout (BBW) from the NerdFitness website. I do 3 sets of the entire routine (takes around 25-30 mins) thrice a week.

So, do some research and pick a workout! Doesn't have to be an hour long at all, just make sure it's time-effective and challenges you.

4+ Find your cheat day workout.

Yikes, the wording is kinda incorrect, but anything for the clickbait.

This is the workout you do 2 days a week, and is the second most important workout. (This means: 3 + 2 = 5, you’ve now got five days planned!)

I do Alexis Ren’s ab routine (I hate it) twice a week because abs are my target zone. For you, it could be arms, thighs, butt, anything!

5+ Leave your last two days for simple moving.

It's up to you to decide what's going to be cooking in the remaining two days. For suggestions, you can pick a fun activity, say yoga, handstands, cartwheels, splits, any form of dancing like hip-hop, Zumba etc.

I'm trying to do a handstand this year and get my middle splits already (I fell off track so I still have quite a way to go) so I'll be stretching and doing hand flexibility exercises in the last 2 days.

Or you can just go for a jog or a power walk. Just keep the momentum going!

A quick recap:

To summarize, you're doing a major workout 3 times a week, a toning workout (mine is abs) twice a week and a fun activity in the last two days.

Also, mix this up. Your muscles need time to heal, and I strongly emphasize leaving the next day free for lighter activities after doing a major workout. Here's my routine, as an eg:

Do remember that this is just a STARTING POINT, because we don't want you to wake up everyday and be like “wut I do today.” It's now your mission to plan your workout routine. Consider taking more workload or reduce it as per your level (this is definitely a lot, try reducing if you're just beginning).

Also important: DETERMINE your workout routine NOW. I spent 2 years (only stopped like 3 months ago) doing YouTube videos haphazardly. This works, because you are working out after all, but it's a pretty lousy method if you want consistent results. Also makes you depend on motivation to workout (which has probability results equal to me marrying Tom Felton), whereas if you had a routine, you'll have to workout because it's in your schedule and you'd be a loser to lie to your schedule.

Is this a lot? It's a lot. I know.

If this is overwhelming you, don't back away darling. Face your fears. Here are some reasons to not back out—

The entire challenge is flexible: You don't have to follow that routine ^ if you don't want to. Starting out, you can do a major workout 2 times a week and fill the other 5 days with fun stuff. You can always change the routine later, 100 days is a long ass time.

The challenge fucks with your mindset and strengthens it: 100 days of continuous movement is CRAZY. Can you imagine how strong (mentally too!) we'll all be at the end? You'll have grown so much!

Working out will become a habit: I've been working out for 2 years now, and it has positively affected every single sphere of my life. Exercising is the #1 habit I suggest everyone build. Since science says it takes 66 days to build a habit, we're ON it.

You'll be really proud of yourself: I know I'll be. I'm literally going to hug y'all at the end of it, and sing jingles about how far you've come. 2019 will have been slayed.

I could go on and on, but this is it. Now's the moment. This is about doing something you're afraid of. Taking risks. Learning, falling, getting back up.

Thence, ladies, gents and non-binary pals, THIS is the 100 days of sweat challenge. You're cordially invited to it.

(We're dramatic, yes.)

🌻 !!! MAJOR PSA & DEADLINES:

The challenge itself begins on 10th April, 2019.

You'll be added to the IG group latest by 7th April.

Because I'm your mom, I'll add everyone in, tell you the details and everything. If you’ve got any questions, jump into my inbox now and get them answered.

That said, please remember that I won't take anyone in midway (no, not even if you buy me free tacos for a year). So join in now & spread the message! The more, the merrier! Bring beer too!

Thanks for joining in! This will be promising and hugely interesting (accountability can do wonders, but we'll see). I'll be waiting for you on the other side with my stuffed animals, cIaO fReNdOs!

— Nandini (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡ 💌

letting my taglist folks know (which you can join here!)

@doctorearlgray, @mintschlar, @procrastilate, @scienceandsarcasticdroids, @sxudying, @hannistudies, @vocative, @studign-stars, @ash-trological, @sweet-bean-study-queen, @chaoticstormthings, @lunetudes, @beingstudent, @beautiful-magicalbrain, @akydemics, @literery, @redvelvetstu-dies, @vivinotes, @jynsdesk, @moonshinestudies, @studying-in-chaos, @thelazyunistudent, @einstetic, @ram-the-blonde-bitch, @a-students-lifebuoy, @studahliless, @inspostudying, @the-diary-of-a-failure, @would-iwasshookethspeared, @coffeeandpies, @artsytourism, @gloomstudy, @scrolls-of-jupiter, @studytrivia, @ristudy, @isatriestostudy, @historicalbeez, @luvjoys, @indiaisstudying, @studyingunderwater, @dianeemay, @kemi-k, @londonotes, @froststudies, @pennyfynotes, @studiently, @midnightstudying, @unicorndoesstudies, @studyingundersun, @wingedprunepsychiclawyer, @tonystarkstudies, @delphinaaugery, @morganastudy, @studiies-psych, @sumastudies, @emrys-studies, @parleonstudies, @acataemic, @studylustre, @adelinestudiess, @sorcierstudies, @coffeeinfusedstudying, @pizza-and-studying, @the-third-me, @scrunchiestudies, @jemsjournals, @jas-study, @jabuticabablr, @khelmatic, @avastvdies + you, if you’re reading this!

#100dos #unicorn studying #studign-stars #inspostudying #looklibraerie #heypfyn #jacistudies #lunetudes #ash-trological #studylustre #gloomstudy #dahliless #moonshinestudies #athenastudying #heypat #heylondonotes #adelinestudiess #hanniscup #heyindia

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normal-thoughts-official · 4 years ago

Note

i'm not trans but i want to write trans magnus, what are ig the dos and don'ts? (only if you dont mind <3)

i don't mind! happy to reply to those. altho i'll be real, there's a lot of stuff, so it's a bit hard, which is why i'd say that my first tip is to have a sensitivity reader (even better if it's multiple). i even offer to do that, more trans magnus content is what i want! so i'd tell you to consider that

i'm going to make a list, but i ask you that first of all, you try to understand the reasons why i'm saying what i'm saying (i'm trying to outline them as clearly as possible) instead of just taking it as a checklist of what you're supposed to write or not. the most important thing is that you understand why certain things are/can be harmful, and approach them accordingly. there is rarely ever going to be a rule like "EVERY SINGLE TIME YOU DO THIS THAT'S TRANSPHOBIC". it depends a lot on the story and how you do it

(sidenote: of course there are things that ARE always transphobic, like using men in dresses as the butt of a joke. but that's not the case for most things, and I hope this kind of very obviously transphobic trope is already understood to not be a good thing doiajdsoija)

other than that, i think the first things that come to mind are the following (i'll try to have more do's than don't's cuz i feel like giving you a path to follow is more helpful than paths NOT to):

DO research about transphobic tropes in media and make sure you understand why they are harmful. that's a great way to avoid the most glaringly obvious Bad Takes™

DO try to understand your character's identity as much as you can. are they a trans man/woman? are they nonbinary? if they are nonbinary, what do they identify with? you don't have to have a fully fleshed out identity, but at least know whether they lean more towards neutral, fluid, multiple gendered, outside of the gender binary, etc. if you want a culturally specific gender, KNOW WHICH ONE. have details. and do your research on that. i don't recommend doing that if you don't know exactly what you're talking about

DO try to incorporate the character being trans into your understanding of their backstory. did they have help from their community? what was that like? how did that influence other parts of their story? when did they realize and when did they come out? being trans is going to have an impact on a person's story, so the more you know about that, the more you can build a character that feels real, not a cis person with "trans" slapped on their forehead

however, DON'T have their entire backstory and life be about them being trans. that's not how it works with anyone. you want to understand how being trans intersects with their life, not reduce everything about them to being trans. your goal here should be to incorporate the aspects that are related to that person being trans and the ones that are not into one thing that feels cohesive, because that how it works

DO wait until it's pertinent to mention the fact that your character is trans. it's kind of *sigh* when the fic starts like "Magnus Bane (who is trans) was buying groceries". that feels like what i just mentioned in the last don't: everything revolves around him being trans. you don't want that. if it only comes up halfway through the fic, then it only comes up halfway through the fic. i actually think that's kinda rad because it really normalizes a character being trans, but it all depends on what the rest of the story is like

DO approach their transness like any other element in the story. if it's a light-hearted story, you don't have to approach their transness from an angsty perspective. that doesn't even necessarily mean u can't approach transphobia as a topic, but it's just weird when the whole fic is happy and upbeat and then suddenly there's an on-screen transphobic microaggression and the person is very sad, and then back to upbeat. if you really want to broach this topic on your light-hearted fic, you can do it in ways such as "*flops down on the couch* god, i'm exhausted. some asshat tried to pick up a fight with me today" you know? again, i'm not saying "don't talk about X or Y subject", you just don't want the tone to be completely different from the rest of your story. it feels not only like his transness is out of place (which alienates the reader) but also like just... bad writing, i guess you don't have to take that as an absolute rule, just... as with anything else you're writing, make sure that it fits the story you're telling. if it's gonna have a different tone when u mention something, know why and how you want to do it

DON'T feel obligated to approach every aspect of their identity/backstory/everything they face as a trans person. it's good that you, the author, know it, so you can even know what is or isn't important to mention. but you don't have to give the reader a whole exposé on his transness. approach what's relevant

DO include them making jokes, puns about being trans, having other trans friends, etc. it just feels more real and we do all that all the time. it's just unrealistic for a trans person to hear the word "transparent" and not crack a joke (with people they feel safe with, of course)

when you do mention them being trans, please DON'T treat it like a big deal. when the whole narrative stops so you can mention that a character is trans, it just feels like their transness is a spectacle for a cis reader. similarly, if the reader can tell that their reaction is supposed to be like "*gasp!*" it just feels like trans people aren't supposed to be seen as normal. i'm talking specifically about how the narrative treats it here, not necessarily what happens in the story. you could have a scene where the character comes out, for example, and then of course this is going to be a big deal for them. but there's that, and then there is "magnus bane put on his binder. that's right, hE IS TRANS!". a trope i wouldn't call harmful but that i particularly hate and turns me immediatelly off any story, particularly, is the thing where the character is like "I put on my binder, getting ready for school. I am trans, and anyone who has a problem with it can fight me". no one thinks about how they are trans every time they do anything that's related to their transition. that'd be exhausting. you don't brush your teeth and are like "that's right. MY TEETH NEED CLEANING! i want to avoid caries, because i am human and that might happen"

DO try to think of every element of how they express their transness in relation to that character. you don't have to outline the reasons in the story (that'd be exhausting) but don't just go "well, magnus is trans, therefore he wears a binder and a packer, wants surgery, and [list of Transmasculine Traits™]". WOULD magnus want a binder? WOULD he want a packer? remember that those things are all choices, not a checklist that determine whether or not you're trans. each trans person is an individual, and thus each trans person's relationship with their transness and how they express it is different. so treat your character as such

DON'T make him being trans something that is only used for sad things!!!!!! again, i'm not saying "you can't approach transphobia", but if him being trans only comes up when it's to bring Bad Things His Way, it just feels like being trans = bad for you. know what i mean? try to mention it in neutral or positive ways more than you do in negative ways. a few things that i think are positive: you get to choose your own name, you get to rethink every bit of how you want to express yourself instead of just following a script, you get a lot of friends who Get It, you have the jokes about all the guys named Skylar, the flag is cute, transitioning feels so good! every new thing is a discovery. coming out as trans and transitioning is very liberating, it feels like you are so much more real. sex feels a lot less like a scripted ordeal when you have a completely different relationship with your body, i feel like trans ppl naturally communicate a lot more about sex and explore a lot more of different ways to touch their bodies even when they don't necessarily have genital dysphoria. the puns and jokes are also a nice bonus. the slang is so fucking funny. you learn a lot about your body and hormones and the such just from having friends who hormonize and looked up every detail. as for neutral things, just being like "magnus put on his binder" is a neutral thing. it's just a part of his life! when you only remember that a character is trans because they are going through violence, it just makes people scared of being trans

and i guess those are the most important pointers? just, don't make trans identity a whump thing and remember that not every trans person is the same, build that character just like you do any other. if anyone wants to add more stuff, feel free to! i have a tendency to forget to mention or explain certain things (like "don't make trans ppl the butt of a joke") because to me they are obvious and i forget that they aren't obvious outside of trans circles. i have very few cis friends (that's something that makes a difference too) so ya know. diajsda

another tip i think can be helpful is, if you're uncertain whether or not something sounds natural, try to imagine that instead of talking about a trans character, you're talking about a person who wants to be a mechanic. when you're building a character who wants to be a mechanic, that can be part of a super angsty backstory about how they lost their parents in a car crash due to a car malfuction... or not. it can have relevance to a certain point of the story, or not. it can fit naturally into this part, or it can feel like you just really want the reader to know that the person wants to be a mechanic. it can be integral to the plot, or it can be just another thing about that character. you know? that sounds kinda lame, but i think it's a good way to try to think about what you're writing without all the pre-conceptions and pressure not to Fuck Up Your Representation. idk, something to try out and consider whether or not works for you

if you have any questions, let me know! and ask other trans ppl about their perspectives too, i'm just one person. if you want a sensitivity reader, i'd really be super happy to help :) just DM me, or whatever you feel more comfortable with

#ask #anonymous #societal issues #idk how to tag this lol #sh #trans magnus bane #long post

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dgcatanisiri · 6 years ago

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So while I was looking over some of the fallout from that thread with Patrick Weekes on said message board, something occurred to me.

One of the things I tend to be critical of is the way that the BioWare writers seemed so... pleased with Dorian’s story, when it basically comes across as an after school special from the 90s about how homophobia is bad, reducing the gay person and their feelings on the situation to a prop in order to develop the straight person(s) in the room.

And I stopped to think... Gaider and Weekes, the writers I’ve seen most outspoken about the importance of that story... They are at least a decade older than I am, just entering my thirties. Their experiences as queer men, when they came of age, when they were growing up... were actually very different from mine.

My first genuine exposure to same-sex relationships is hard to pin down. There were some things that completely flew past me as a small child. I can look at things that I saw or read as a child and say ‘wow, that’s actually legitimately gay.’ Not even something as iconic like the kiss between Jadzia and Lenara in Star Trek Deep Space Nine but things like references to gay people in Animorphs, or some characters in the Trek novels who were novel exclusive and able to be said to be in same-sex relationships, all of this prior to my discovery of actual fanfic and the slash communities by around... oh, I think freshman year of high school or so, so 14/15. I just had these things kinda wash over me because it wasn’t until then that I really GOT the concept of homosexuality.

That puts us in the early 2000s. That’s when I call the start of my “coming of age” period. And for someone older than that, older than I was, old enough to be writing for games produced in that time frame (which, as Gaider was a writer for KOTOR, yeah, that’s a thing)... That coming of age period was coming into an entirely different atmosphere.

Because the AIDS epidemic would have still been fresh for that generation. Like, I was... “lucky’s” an awkward word for the situation, but, for my introduction to AIDS, at least beyond the goofy portrayals from the “so you’re going through puberty, don’t have sex” videos from like fifth/sixth grade, was in my junior high Health teacher, taught by a very down to earth and (particularly for Kansas) open-minded woman (and, side note, she was SO MUCH BETTER at this than the course I had in high school that was a unit as part of PE class... Just needed to stop and have a teacher appreciation moment here). Additionally, I have a memory dislodging of hearing that one of the teachers at my school had specifically contributed to the AIDS Quilt. So the lessons we learned about AIDS were genuine, were inclusive, were kind.

And, looking back on it now, I can see how easily it would be for a teacher without that determination to NOT vilify people as victims of “god’s wrath” could have changed that. And that was the perspective that would have been imprinted on anyone who grew up in the days of the worst of the AIDS epidemic.

When I write stories that deal with coming of age narratives, I write to the version of me in high school, just out of high school, who needed to hear that he was okay, that he wasn’t broken for feeling how he did. For me, that story involves “being gay” as a part of who he is, but not EVERYTHING that he is. His existence as a queer person isn’t revolutionary, it’s him being more than that while still being queer.

But if you grew up in a time and environment that told you that you couldn’t be queer AT ALL, that you had to hide this fact away in the tightest closet in the deepest darkest parts of yourself... It is revolutionary to just exist. To openly, bluntly, proudly affirm your queerness. In the fact that Patrick Weekes has just recently stated openly an identification as non-binary, it’s a process that people from that time are STILL working through.

For me, it’s a facet. For that older group, it’s a revolutionary statement. To that older group, who are speaking to THEIR younger selves, they’re giving that message that they needed. And to those of us who don’t need it, who need a new and different one, we’re the ones who are privileged to be able to stand in the light and declare ourselves to the world and not have those wasted years, living lies.

And I say that not as a value statement but as a simple statement of fact. It’s a generation gap issue, and the queer community, as a whole, doesn’t have the tools to try and bridge it, since we LOST that generation, so we’re experiencing it now for what is, in effect, the first time.

Now. This isn’t me EXCUSING things. Like I’ve said, repeatedly, at length, I still genuinely need different stories, and I am not alone in that. That’s why there’s this group of us who do complain about Dorian, how he failed us. That yeah, they may be speaking to their younger selves in the name of trying to offer that life preserver to those who need it... But they’re telling those like me, those who need something different that, because we’re treading water, we don’t need the preserver like others do.

This is a generational issue. Yeah, there’s the kid who needs that story. But, speaking as the person who that story serves more as an anchor than a life preserver (can I beat this metaphor into the ground any more?), what I get out of stories like Dorian’s isn’t “you deserve to live openly.” It’s “you’re not free of homophobia, even in your fantasy.”

Like, here’s bits of a rant for another day, this was, in retrospect, a great deal of my problem with a character like Kurt Hummel from Glee - that character, yes, was unapologetically gay, but also presented in this fashion that framed him as “properly gay.” That if you weren’t like this, you weren’t REALLY gay. To me now, to me during the height of Glee mania, that message just infuriates me. But had I gotten that message from my media back in high school, when I was trying to come to terms with this part of myself that I had no idea how to handle, not having role models, that would have pushed me FURTHER INTO the closet.

And I mean it when I say that I don’t want to give the impression that this was the intended message with characters like Kurt, like Dorian. But where for this older generation of queer people, the message they want to send is “you deserve to live proudly and openly as who you are,” the message I get instead is “this is what being gay is all about.” In Kurt’s case, it was “fashion, glamour, being one of the girls!” In Dorian’s case, it’s “your family hates you, and dropping your lover for the country that hates you as well.” (Because I have ISSUES with Dorian’s unilateral decision to turn the relationship into a long distance one with no discussion).

And, you know, hey, from a certain point of view (...okay, yeah, still hate that phrase), it is a good thing, speaks to an advancement in society. But... Writer intent is the smallest part of the messages received by the audience. These writers intend for their messages to be empowering to the audience. But I don’t hear their intended message, just the one that I end up getting. The one that DISempowers me.

#dg rants #another angry queer rant #bioware critical #dorian critical #more of a 'societally and culturally' critical than either of those specifically #but i feel like the tags still apply so...

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01010010-posts · 7 years ago

Text

— falling from the doves to the dark of the crow.

1. january – 2037 new year’s eve was just few days ago. you spent a nice evening with some close friends, ate, laughed, drank. but it turned out to be a temporary placebo, as the dread of living has its clutches around your heart again. it’s cold outside and the only thing you’d like to do is sleep forever in the warm cocoon of your white soft duvet. even scrolling endlessly on your phone is useless, everyone is with their relatives and they really don’t have time to think about you. you sigh, pinching the bridge of your nose. it has come to this then, huh. you roll over the other side of the bed. you’ve decided. you could die and nothing would change.

2. february – 2037 you’ve been promoted at work. your colleagues organized a small party during the lunch break. you still felt nothing. rather, you got the urge to throw up. someone else could use that money. someone else with a family, with hopes, dreams, desires. not someone like you for sure. you feel guilty for taking up space, in this economy, in this world. you should enjoy your life and yet. yet there’s something at the back of your mind, gnawing, chewing your brain with steely fangs, unceasing, unrelenting. when you get home you toss your grey bag onto the couch and let yourself fall on the mattress. you silently cry for an hour or so. after your red eyes decide to take a rest you lift your phone and check for messages. none. except an e-mail. weird advertisement about purchasing a house. you guess that since everything is connected lots of estate agencies already know about your new salary. you have enough to buy a modest place in the outskirts of detroit. or enough to buy an android, which is as pricey as that. an android? you stop mid-thinking. where did that come from? you have strange ideas for a person that barely wants to live.

3. march – 2037 “would you like to give it a name?” “no” you nervously blurt out, a bit uncomfortable. give it a name? you’re not its parent, it’s not your duty to give it a name. and were you to give it a name, would it become your responsibility then? you sign some papers about a division into instalments. there they go, your savings. you shrug it off, after all long-term plans were never your thing. you always had the sensation that you weren’t going to live past your twenty but here you are. here you are. outside of a shop, wind howling, leaves moving along the sidewalk, you and between your arms a brown bag of groceries with red apples sticking out on top, your android beside with its fingers clasped behind its back. a sepia-toned polaroid of utter confusion and a simply-led life. you didn’t have a clue about how or why everything was going this way.

4. april – 2037 a caretaker model. you’ve found that it is rather handy. it follows your orders but it is also independent enough to cook you a meal without specifying exactly what you would like to eat. which is nice, you guess. choosing every day was starting to be very miserable. it does the shopping too, as it has a huge amount of free time when you’re away. (it cleans during the night). it’s to make sure you have a healthy diet, it says. fair enough. you don’t actually mind it taking control of your daily menial tasks. it’s easier both for you and for it. usually when you get back from your job you’re already too tired to read or watch some television. and if you had the energy, you think you wouldn’t want to anyway. books are full of ads nowadays and reading one is a hassle. the tv always has bad news and you’re not going to demoralize yourself more. also would it ‘scold’ you? reminding you that staring so much at a monitor will reduce your eyesight? you bet it would say these kinds of things for your own benefit. but still, being a ‘good’ person is hard. a warm hearty dinner. you’re glad. you generally don’t feel like eating after such a long day but gulping down the whole thing it’s rather easy. it seems.... ‘satisfied’ while watching you. probably its mimicking program. perhaps looking at its smile, even if fake, might make you at ease.

5. may – 2037 the third month living with it. you only hear its voice when it needs directions to abide by. any other dialogue would be unnecessary. of course you’re gonna grow crazy if this keeps up. one thing is living alone, but another is living with someone and not talking to him– him? what? don’t tell me you’re considering it as a person? freak. you spent two or three nights with the sheets hiding your body, the blue light of your phone illuminating your little breathing space, searching on blogs about androids and humans relationships. maybe it’ll help you make small talk. the lone comments you find, though, are about that kind of bond. should it disgust you? mhh. you close your lids and try to imagine how something like this would play out. it wouldn’t. there’s a reason why you’re single. but not desperate.

6. june – 2037 you’re fed up. you don’t care about what others will think at this point. you need to talk with– with– him. you’ve thought this. he’s definitely a machine. but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be gentle to him. so screw it. you’re going to have conversations. whether he likes it or not. “hey– um, you don’t have a name, don’t you?” “correct.” “would you– would you like one?” “i see no need to it. but if you want i could search for the most popular names of the past year. in the u.s the first then results are–” “no no– it’s– okay, really. it’s fine like this.” what did you expect? for him to act like a human all of a sudden? to give himself a name in his own volition? to care for you because he wants to and not because he’s programmed to? what? where did this thought come from? you don’t need pity from an android.

7. july – 2037 it’s scorching. it’s the heat of the summer. work is hardly bearable. you have to admit, speaking to him it’s a lot less difficult. you’ve been together for five months now. he’s an okay guy. yeah, he won’t say much unless you directly ask him but he’s okay. he also started to take more liberties with you. like reprimanding you if you’re not sleeping by 10AM. or inciting you about going out with people. is he being friendly? you doubt it. but you let him do his things. it’s nice. it’s nice like this. it’s nice to pretend to have someone to care for you. it’s fine, you keep saying that to yourself. it’s fine to dream once in a while. it’s fine. “aren’t you bothered by how hot it is? like, you don’t overheat or something?” “my model was built with better tolerance to higher and lower temperatures than humans.” “mhh. right.” you ponder for some seconds “new clothes!” the perplexed look on his face makes you laugh. which is.... which is....? what it is? is it odd? is it odd for you to feel.... happy? is it odd for you to feel at all? when was the last time you smiled? the trip to the nearest shopping mall is quiet but you’re giddy with excitement. you need something new to wear, he does too. you’re sick of seeing him in the same old outfit. it’s stiff and ugly. he’s a lot more handsome with a white button-down shirt and black trousers. not that he isn’t normally gorgeous but– normally? you’re lost in these thoughts as you’re swiping your card in the meantime. he is beautiful. was he always so beautiful? you’re being childish.

8. august – 2037 you sigh. how many years have passed since you had a day off? you lost count. you’d like to see the ocean. you’d like to see the countryside. you’d like to be up in the mountains with your friends and a white cup of hot chocolate in your palms. summer is ending. you don’t even have time to feel heavy-hearted about it. in the weekend you ask him to buy you a bottle of beer. he curls his mouth in disapproval but does as told. you close the french door that overlooks the fuming city above your tiny balcony. drinking in the complete quiet of your little world. is this the same as a vacation? around midnight he brings you a blanket and places it around your shoulders. you turn and look up to his tall figure. tired eyes with dark circles beneath, a cirrusly smile. “it’s very late.” “yeah.” “it would be ideal to go to bed as soon as possible.” “.... yeah.” silence. “is something on your mind, [name]?” “i guess.” “would you like to share it with me?” you frown. it’s not as if you have something to lose, right? “sit down.” “i can stand, androids don’t–” “sit down, i said.” he’s almost comical, so rigid in an unadorned wooden chair. he seems uneasy, a student taking an exam he didn’t study for. “do you know the meaning of the expression ‘being a zero’?” he nods “it is a metaphor to imply that someone’s value is nothing.” “exactly.” silence again. “is it how you feel, [name]?” your chest heave with exasperation “i don’t see how i can be something else.” he presses his lips, thinking. you shake your head. you’re about to go and bury yourself in your room “in the binary code....” he starts, hesitant “there are zeros and ones. but they’re both essential. together they can convey anything. were the former or the latter cease to exists the message would be lost. ” you pause, knuckles lingering on the frame of the window. your vision cast on the floor and your feet but you’re slightly smiling “then you’re my one?”

9. september – 2037 seven. seven months. seven months since you said goodbye to your finances. “blah blah blah, robot here robot there, you’re always mentioning it!” “come on, that’s not true.” you give hint of a half laugh. “but it is! what, someone’s got a little crush on their babysitter?” “he’s not my babysitter–” “he?” seven months since you said ‘hello’ to a big, sturdy android. seven months and you still don’t regret that. “do you need anything?” “no, thank you. i’m good.” yawning you stretch your arms. gosh, you’re really tired. you close your eyes, ready to rest. you don’t hear him lowering over your forehead and laying a soft kiss. “goodnight, then, [name].” you freeze until he turns out the light and closes your door. did he– did he just–? sleeping will be a problem if you don’t stop blushing. seven. seven months into this messy cohabitation.

10. october – 2037 you feel like you’re getting the hang of living, proper living. it’s not a chore anymore to get out of bed, to shower, to watch the red sunset while working through the last hours of your shift. even going to the supermarket it’s pleasant. you like to pick what to eat. yes, you don’t need to, he says, he’s perfectly capable of memorizing a list, if you were so compliant in doing one in the first place. you’re not going to tell him that it’s a lot more fun this way. ‘happy’ would be the best term to describe you these days. he noticed too. you never addressed what happened last month. but there was no need to. instead, you both started to hold hands without a spoken word. while you’re watching your favourites sitcoms. while you’re reading a paper book. while strolling in the park nearby. you might ask him to teach you how to cook. it will certainly be a disaster but you two would have a good laugh about it.

11. november – 2037 you close the car’s door with enough force to cause a dull thud. so loud it actually disturbs your already awful mood and makes you close your eyes in distress “breathe, [name]” you shift in your seat but do as you’re told nevertheless. you’re trembling, rage seeping through your clenched fists resting on your knees “[name], your stress levels—” crisp air escapes from your lungs in a big white puff, it’s the end of november after all “i know” you shut him up but suddenly regret it “i’m sorry– i didn’t mean to– i–” you inhale once more and bite your lower lip. no no no please no “fuck–” you manage to grit before placing your head on your legs, covering your face with weary hands. you’re crying again. it’s starting to become a habit: him adamant on getting you from work, you crying for a solid ten or fifteen minutes, him hugging you because ‘although crying is a valid form of venting when confronting stress, contact may help you relax, [name]’ and then going home. not driving is your favourite bit, though, as it would give you anxiety. weren’t you just getting better? where did you progress go? you beg him to sleep with you. he and his tender smile don’t complain. he holds you tightly the whole night.

12. december – 2037 it’s snowing. the loneliness and the wish to kill yourself of last year are nothing but a long gone bitter taste in your mouth. now you’re two in this cosy and warm apartment. he’s helping you decorating for the holidays. “i’m not going to be like them.” you say out of the blue. “them?” “my family.” you firmly state, it’s a promise. he can’t help but halt and hug you from behind “it’s okay, love. it’s okay.” you share a sweet kiss while the fireplace softly crackle. apparently, recovery is not linear.

23. november 12th – 2038

he is alive.

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cassolotl · 6 years ago

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Testosterone, Round 2, Day 1

Last entry: Day 142. Next entry: Day 309.

Just under 2 weeks ago I stopped taking low-dose testosterone because I found that my voice was probably androgynous and I was worried about going too far.

The past two weeks has been Hormone Hell™️. I had what I suspect was probably a monstrous period, my skin has been painfully spotty, and my EDS chronic pain has been phenomenally bad. Aside from the few days at the start while my body caught up to the lack of testosterone, I have been a sofablob.

It’s been subsiding for the past 2 days, and I have felt more like myself in some ways than I have since before I started testosterone. It has been a relief, which is not how I would describe how I felt when I started testosterone 8 months ago. My relationship to food has become much healthier, because my appetite has settled down to normal and familiar levels - I am no longer craving carbs and sugar an hour after every meal. That has helped my mental health so much! I have still been a sofablob because the chronic pain is unmanageable again, but I can already feel that I have lost weight just in those 12 days.

So I wrote to the endocrinologist:

I kept trying to get my blood tests and it kept going wrong. And then I asked around online and among my friends in person about how androgynous my voice was and how androgynous I am generally, and most people said my voice sounded androgynous, perhaps leaning masculine. Strangers also seem to be more uncertain about how to address me lately (mate vs. love, etc.) so that suggests I might be in the right place.

Since I’m nonbinary and my goal is androgyny, I definitely don’t want to go too far towards a masculine voice. I think the way people gender me and my voice varies a lot depending on context, and it doesn’t feel good to be put in a binary box but it’s probably better than always being put in the male box or the female box!

So I put on the last dose of Tostran gel on 20th May (after just under 8 months), and unless I get any advice from you to the contrary I think I’ll probably stay off it for at least a few months and see how I feel, how I’m gendered by others, and see if I notice feeling uncomfortable about my voice again. I’ve put on quite a lot of weight since starting Tostran too, so I’m curious to know whether my appetite reduces and I lose weight again.

I then asked some questions about blood tests and other technicalities.

This morning, my landlord knocked on the door and I answered and we had a brief conversation... and when I closed the door I realised I felt dysphoric about my voice during that conversation. I guess I had just woken up and I was caught off-guard and was using a higher, more feminine pitch out of habit? And being able to speak at that pitch comfortably didn’t feel good and right at all.

Then I picked up the post from my doormat and opened it, and it was the letter from the endocrinologist to my GP, telling her that I had stopped testosterone and I should have blood tests including oestrogen in 6 weeks, and I felt regret.

I know that I needed to start testosterone again. I had expected to need a few months to decide, but it’s been less than two weeks and I already know! So I put the gel on this morning and I’m just thankful that I don’t have much on over the next few weeks because the starting-testosterone grease party is gross and disruptive.

I think probably any medication has side effects that might be undesirable, alongside the good effects you’re aiming for and the good effects you aren’t aiming for but are still good. For me, testosterone sucks because:

It increases my appetite beyond what my body needs, mostly for carbs and sugar, making me put on weight alarmingly quickly

It makes me more greasy and smelly

It makes me hairy in places no one should have to be hairy

Sex drive is higher than I am used to, and I don’t seem to be getting used to it, and it’s annoying!

Facial hair coming in, but in a pathetic kind of way

I have to apply it every day, which is disproportionately exhausting when my executive is dysfunctional

But until my voice is at a pitch range that feels comfortable, there’s not really any other option.

Pleasant side effects that are not the goal but that are still quite nice:

Genital growth

Body fat distribution is less feminine (while still not fully masculine)

EDS symptoms greatly reduced (joints less loose, chronic pain reduced, dysautonomia reduced)

Menstrual cycle less extreme in its extremes, which is mostly good but I do miss the ridiculous, symbolic and illustrative PMS dreams that hit me over the head with a wet fish and say “duh, this is what’s going on with you right now!”

I think to begin with testosterone was a joy because the effects were mostly good and reducing dysphoria a lot, and the bad side effects were worth it. But now we’re in that androgynous grey area, everything is a bit more uncertain, and testosterone’s bad side effects (appetite and weight gain, more hair) are becoming more apparent. So it’s just going to suck but be worth it in the long run, for a little while.

So I guess I’m back on T. I’ll write to my endocrinologist and CC my GP in a couple of days when I am feeling more sure of things.

And uh... I joked about asking random strangers to gender me, but... I think I am actually going to do that. I think a Google Form on my phone might be the way. If I end up in conversations with random strangers, I’ll just ask them to anonymously fill in my Google Form if I feel comfortable to do so. I don’t yet know if I’ll have the guts to follow through, but I think it’s a good idea, for my own piece of mind...! Maybe my autistic social weirdness will be an asset in this situation. :D

#original posts #cassian's transition #cassian's hormones #testosterone #low-dose testosterone

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arcanalogue · 6 years ago

Note

Love is on my mind, always. May I ask you and the cards, where do I go from here? As the song goes, this isn’t were I intended to be. Is there any advice on how to move forward and in which direction? I have been static and stagnant. How can I muster the courage to follow my heart? Am I looking in the wrong direction?

A lot of questions, the answers to which may braid together neatly or flap about in different directions like kite tails, we shall see!

While the story told in a three card reading isn’t always a linear, left-to-right one, sometimes it’s exactly that way. This seems to be one of those clear instances, with the King of Swords establishing himself as a protagonist – an anti-hero, more like. (Interesting, isn’t it, that he starts out “looking in the wrong direction”?)

The court figures are complex, because they show how our personal evolution affects our status and/or responsibilities, and how those in turn can affect the outcome of our evolution. As elements express themselves through us, they also color our impressions, our self-awareness, our decision-making. In conquering them, we are also conquered by them.

As such, the King of Swords represents the logical conclusion of walking a certain path in a certain way. The pursuit of self-knowledge is one of endless discernment, a winnowing that ironically reduces the scope of our inquiry. The more we learn, the more we can eliminate from our purview.

The higher you climb, the thinner the air, the more importance placed on your particular journey, which you’ve already invested so much in. And so, the King’s accomplishment gradually becomes his prison; his gradual discomfort within those constraints ends up contributing to his plight in ways he may not be aware of.

(One of the things I love about the Tarot, and why I think it’s a mistake for contemporary deck-makers to shift away from its traditional hierarchical structures, is that it contains such clear and nuanced warnings about the perils of these structures – a reminder that we’re always going to need. It introduces, and then smashes, the hierarchy. It defines, and then blurs, the gender binary.)

In this particular story, we see the King growing ever-more aware of his own burden, and grappling with how to get out from under it. Once the mind becomes aware of its own limitations, it aches to move beyond them – and it can, it truly can, but only by shedding the old form and taking on a new one.

The rational, progress-oriented Swords-mind bridles at the thought, because it seems like important ground will be lost. Having climbed so high, we resist the idea of starting over at the base of a new mountain.

And yet, on numerous occasions throughout life, that’s exactly where we end up.

This is particularly challenging for the King of Swords, whose experience has armed him to the teeth with tools to deflect unwanted information, to believe he can see more clearly than anyone from his high perch, and judge more impartially.

The story pictured above shows how awareness of certain burdens – including those instincts I just mentioned – contributes to a desire to lay them down, making way for sudden changes and fascinating new developments – “enlightenment” in the literal sense of the word.

The shift from Swords to Wands in our story tells me this: belief alone is enough for you to proceed with. There is a call to abandon much of what you’ve so painstakingly learned, realizing that much of it was situational, that your objectivity was an illusion. The mind will not willingly unmake itself; it remains shackled by trying only the things it can think of to try. True change demands us to move willingly toward the unknown.

This is the soul of love, my friend. It’s the quest to merge meaningfully with another entity – one which is strange to us, but grows tantalizingly familiar. Gradually we harmonize to a point where our movements are inseparable.

That is also the source of love’s pain – when the known recedes back into the unknown, or is banished to a place in our awareness that no longer tantalizes, conferring little pleasure.

A character in Tom Stoppard’s The Real Thing says: “I remember how it stopped seeming odd that, in biblical Greek, ‘knowing’ was used for ‘making love’…“Whosit knew so-and-so. Carnal knowledge. It’s what lovers trust each other with. Knowledge of each other, not of the flesh but through the flesh, knowledge of self, the real him, the real her, in extremis, the mask slipped from the face.”

That quote leapt out at me today in this essay, and its author also writes: “My relationship with Rachel didn’t last more than a year after I kissed Jean. But, then, my relationship with Jean didn’t last after I kissed Sandrine, and after her, Samantha, and Nancy, and Nadine. I kissed all of those women, each time knowing that I was betraying the woman before, but also hoping that somewhere, in one of these relationships, I would find the courage to let myself be known.” In this author’s case, she’s referring to her identity as a transgender woman, which she eventually embraced once she was with the right partner. However, there’s wisdom here for all of us who seek love while also seeking ourselves.

The King of Swords, the pinnacle of his suit, feels qualified to pursue that knowledge, perhaps even a bit entitled to it, because of everything he’s already invested in this quest. It is a peculiar irony of our existence that the opposite becomes true – the more we know, the harder it is for us to surrender to that which remains unknown.

The Wands cards encourage an elemental shift, hinting at the breakthroughs that await on the other side of that surrender. You do not need to know the answers to your questions, you just need to summon belief in your own beliefs; passion for your own passion; love for your own heart. Crawl out from under the need to know or explain or justify any of it. Love’s elusive nature can make it a challenging raison d'être, but hey – it’s still nobler and easier to break into than showbiz.

In other words, I think you should avoid letting these questions nag you, and simply focus on refining yourself as a human, as a lover, as an explorer of the unknown. Submitting to this without any investment in the outcome, you will find the freedom to transform into whatever’s underneath that is dying to break through and be known.

Whatever that may be, I guarantee you, someone will love it, love you, and the feeling of being truly known will unlock doors that you hadn’t tried to open in years, assuming they were sealed shut.

Thanks for giving me much to consider!

Have a tarot reading request or tarot-related question for Arcanalogue? Ask here. Tips accepted (but not required) via Venmo, @arcanalogue. Or support my Patreon? I’d love that.

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optionsspreads-blog · 6 years ago

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Options Spreads Explained

Please visit our Autotrade page for a list of brokers that provide this service. Why the heck won't these far OTM options decay? That is why selling a limited number of put spreads works better than buying call options, especially over the longer term with options spreads.

In this strategy, one OTM put with lower strike is sold after buying one OTM put with strike even lower, and one OTM call with higher strike is sold after buying one OTM call with a strike even higher.

Options Spreads

NEVER put everything in one basket. One month's profits today is more than last month's which was larger than the month before that. It might not work if IV drops faster on the front month. I will only do the roll if I can earn a credit for doing so because a credit reduces my net risk in the position. Bets on US 500, US Tech 100 and Wall Street options can be dealt until the close of business on the Thursday before the third Friday. It reflects the excess yield an investor can earn from a bond with more credit risk relative to the safe bond. If you like the idea of knowing exactly what your profit will be, exactly when the trade is closed, and exactly how much money you will risk then credit option spread trading is for you. People then started to contact Morgan asking for products. It is gaining in popularity, with traders of all experience levels taking an interest and discussing such things as credit spreads and covered calls. Using credit cards maybe a convenient way to get money into your trading account, if you broker offer this option.

The Executive Programme in Algorithmic Trading (EPAT™) course covers training modules like Statistics & Econometrics, Financial Computing & Technology, and Algorithmic & Quantitative Trading. Option Trading Strategy, in the world of finance, is the sale or purchase of one or various option positions and possibly an underlying position. When dealing with option spreads your looking to purchase one option in conjunction with the sale of another option. Position takes like to trade spreads because the short option premium helps to offset the long option cost. The market was on a downtrend, so I decided to SELL during the 7am EDT Hour, consistent with the strategy I usually use when I trade the "Strudel" Strategy with Binary Options. Rather than recommending one specific strategy for hedging, let me expound on the rationale behind delta hedging. One of the problems with merely using a stop loss is it fails to protect you against gaps. In one embodiment, the network managing station is not directly involved in the requesting of binding quotes, or sending quotes and orders to Exchanges, but rather monitors this activity and maintains an audit trail for review purposes. You buy a Call (Put) that has a delta of magnitude .45 to .65 with options spreads.

Put; Buy a Straddle versus selling a put: Buy the straddle (i.e. Buy a put and call at the same strike), as well as selling a put at any strike. Maximum loss occurs when the price of the stock falls at or below the lower strike of the put purchased or rise above or equal to the higher strike of the call purchased. It doesn’t have to break a price barrier or the floor. However, this is called investing and the price of admission is gut wrenching drawdowns and sometimes years and years with nothing to show for it. Messaging traffic of price updating is thereby reduced by limiting quote traffic to interested parties who query specific contracts and/or contract combinations. For example, a March FTSE 100 Index Future 6500 is the right to buy the March FTSE 100 Index Future on or before a fixed date in March. This means that, as well as knowing which option is more expensive, you should find out which is cheapest per day.

How Facebook Could Save Its Stock Price and Reputation As a Solid Business Model

Risk and uncertainty run in conjunction with the opportunity to generate profit. Trying to anticipate swings in the stock market is actually impossible. When you consider buying different investments with equal growth potential and expected returns, a much better buy could be those stocks that have possibilities open.

There is an ugly side of investing that creates that uncomfortable feeling. According to market data assembled by Kenneth French at Dartmouth College, large cap stocks have observed drops of 25% or maybe more about much over the past 85 years. That averages once every 8.several years, however, there are some very long periods where there were no steep drops along with other stretches where they started in clusters. If you started investing soon after an industry drop (say, 2002) your investments performed significantly better than should you began neglect the life shortly before a drop (2000 for example). The Nikkei-225 index (Japan) is down about 75% during the last 22 years, that has ruined the retirement plans of your entire generation. Of course, Japan's problem was an over-heated housing market, multiple recessions, expensive debt, and an aging population. That could never take place in the U.S. Finally, it's very difficult to invest like Warren Buffett. Goldman Sachs never offered me perpetual preferred stock using a 10% yield. I also can't buy to get a small business, install the management, and hold them responsible for superior performance.

Companies that do practice corporate social responsibility thinks morally obligated to offer to town in the area that their clients are conducted. A small mom and pop business could be the sole revenue stream for that area it's in and giving time for that small community could be considered the ethical course of action. A larger corporation could hire numerous employees in your neighborhood they operate and so feel more socially responsible to deal with that area.

When the share prices start dipping, they rush to market the stock, or steer clear of market. Some investors who bought the stock at higher values always buy or retain the stock hoping it would regain its position or averaging your cost. How much they should invest and exactly how far is something that only experienced person can define. Moreover, some self-control is important while playing in these markets.

To demonstrate what are the not enough an edge seems like, let's use a typical Covered Call option strategy, which can be becoming very popular as investors look for sources of income and further yield. A Covered Call strategy involves buying shares of stock and selling Call options to generate extra revenue. A typical position might resemble this.

To read more about options spreads see the resources below.

Resources

Options Spreads: Put & Call Combination Strategies

Options Spreads Strategy Guide - Strikingly.com

Understanding Vertical Options Spreads | Sang Lucci

#options spreads

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taeliciousdaelicious · 7 years ago

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Of Binary Codes and Blue Candies || jhs

Genre: Action, fluff (idk to what extent), gang!AU, humor (if you squint hard enough)

Pairing/s: freelance hacker!You and hacker!Hseok

Description: “Oh my gosh, I lost to you and I’m fracking laughing at it.” —; part of the Lacerta series

Sequence of events: myg, knj, jjk, jhs, ksj, pjm, kth

Word Count: 4,726

Note/s: Mentions of characters from the other installments of the Lacerta series. Also, I don’t know a thing about hacking. I just researched at the last minute and I’m still pretty sure it’s not 100% enough or accurate. Pretty sure Google is watching my IP address, though.

The e-mail that you received had been shady enough. Yet, you attributed your lack of self-preservation to the fact that you were a month behind on rent and your bills were starting to pile up. So, without any question—just like what the said e-mail instructed—you accepted the job. You convinced yourself it would be worth it since the pay would easily amount to three average-level assignments. And above all else, hacking is delicate work. You’d rather have this one than three more of this for the same price. Or so you thought.

Now that you were staring at the computer screen, however, you couldn’t help but focus on the twitching of your left eye. Anxiety was starting to bubble up, slowly climbing up your throat. You forced it down, trying to keep calm and rational. The network you were tasked to infiltrate... It wasn’t simple, to say the least. Whoever owned it must have been a highly-cautious man or woman, seeing as the difficulty of hacking it was on par with a government system or a worldwide organization. You took in a deep breath before popping a blue gummy candy into your mouth. Briefly, you remembered it being advertised as ‘organic’, prompting you to think about of that one, memorable school lab experiment with gummy bears.

While you chewed, you could feel yourself slowly calming down now that your mouth had something to do. Your friends had called you out, saying you had an oral fixation or something. You had never heard of such a thing before so you didn’t think much of it. That was, until another friend mentioned that she could match you up with someone who “would make full use and thoroughly enjoy” your oral fixation (which you still deny to this day since it sounds like a load of baloney).

Realizing that your mind had wandered off, you shook your head vigorously before focusing your eyes on the screen. Cracking your knuckles, you decided that it was time to suck it up and get to work.

Of-fucking-course, it would be hard to hack into right off the bat. You already wasted two hours of your life trying but to no avail. Whoever this person was that required your services clearly forgot that you needed some information so you could actually do what you needed to do. Pinching the bridge of your nose, you took deep, steadying breaths before deciding to leave an e-mail of inquiry. You weren’t prepared for the reply, though.

“Oh, are you fucking kidding me now? Really? What have I gotten myself into?” you questioned out loud although no one could hear you. You read the e-mail again, just in case you were reading it wrong. You groaned when you deduced that you weren’t dreaming and that it was, in fact, real. It seemed that you had drawn the short lot in this life. “Lacerta. Whoever the fuck you are, I am skinning you alive if I ever find you.”

Tracing where the e-mail was sent from had been very tempting but judging the person’s character through the concise and curt messages, he or she must be smart enough not to let a hacker track them down. It was just your luck that you were tasked to go against the city’s most notorious gang. You sent another e-mail, asking if you could drop out of whatever this was. However, the response had been immediate. ‘Think about your decision very carefully, Y/N.’

Great, so now you can untangle yourself from this. Biting your lower lip, you popped another gummy candy into your mouth to de-stress. The sweetness brought a sharp pang to your senses and you positioned yourself again for work. You did your best on gathering information about Lacerta, getting in-touch with your contacts in the field for some help to acquire some data to reduce the time spent on this. The faster you finish, the better.

It was late into the night when the first stage of your hacking job was considered well and truly done. You stretched on your seat, yawning widely. Your eyes burned from reading over lines and lines of information flashing on your computer screen for the past couple of hours. Still, you’re not done hustling. It was time to see the chinks of the proverbial armor of Lacerta’s database.

“Client wants me to hack via the Internet or wireless LAN. The git. Making my job harder than it has to be” you muttered under your breath. What you weren’t admitting was that you were mildly relieved by that. At least, you didn’t have to sneak into wherever their base may be and do who knows what that might get you into more trouble or worse.

After setting up all the hacking tools you thought and knew would be applicable for whatever you had in mind, you collapsed on the couch backed up against a wall. “Alright, time to get some shut-eye, Y/N.”

You nursed a mug of coffee as you blearily blinked at the computer. Now that you had found the weakness in their system, you were determined to set your plan in motion. Yawning widely, you placed the mug down before cracking your knuckles.

“Alright, time to work” you muttered to yourself. Soon enough, your fingers were flying through the keys. The incessant clacking was the only thing heard in the otherwise silent room. And by all means, everything that happened afterwards wasn’t what you expected.

For starters, it seemed suspiciously easy to break into their system. It only took a few rifling and sorting through the data flashing through the screens in your room to find the file you were supposed to extract. Quickly, still apprehensive, you transferred it into your hard drive (your just in case Plan B if stuff happened to you) before completely erasing it from Lacerta’s system. Then, for a wild second, you paused, long enough to attract attention from whoever was keeping their database secure. And yet, no attacks were being launched your way. Either the person on the other side was a really lax one or incompetent. Still, you weren’t about to stay just to get caught. With a bark of disbelieving laughter, you left your signature before doing a scan of your own system, double-checking that you were as clean as could be.

Don’t freak out too much. I’m pretty sure no one would miss someone’s cheating footage, right? — Gray Hat

In retrospect, it was kind of stupid to think that it was the last of it. However, you were sorely wrong, as proven to you three days after that job. You had just paid your rent after your shift down the local restobar when your phone buzzed in your pocket. Closing your front door, you kicked off your shoes as you fished it out. The message flashing on the screen made you stop in your tracks.

From: Unknown Number So, Gray Hat. Let me guess, the dude in the video asked you to remove it, yes? (Received 10:13 P.M.)

It was from an unknown number. You didn’t know how that person got hold of you but it felt like a bucket of ice was doused over you at the implications. Your mind was already jumping to conclusions, thinking you were about to suffer repercussions from the job you took. You bitterly cursed your last client in the confines of your mind before the sudden continuous ping of your phone made you jump in shock.

From: Unknown Number

Either ways, that’s not the point. The point is this

How the fuck did you manage to hack into the database without setting off the alarms I placed

Dude/Dudette (Received 10:14 P.M.)

It only wailed like a siren after detecting the file you deleted without admin permission

Also, is ‘Gray Hat’ a codename or something

Or that’s just you identifying yourself as a literal gray hat

Please answer me

I hope that didn’t sound too demanding (Received 10:15 P.M.)

You decide to address each of his queries one by one.

To: Unknown Number

Gray hat as in the hacker term gray hat

It’s dudette

Also, that’s a secret I’m not sure I am willing to tell

What’s in it for me? (Sent 10:16 P.M.)

From: Unknown Number

Thank god you’re smart

Also thanks for answering

I’m a dude btw just getting it out there

I thought I had to track you down for a one-on-one

So listen (Received 10:17 P.M.)

I have a proposal, gray hat dudette (Received 10:18 P.M.)

You couldn’t help but snort in derision at his words. A proposal? Who in their right mind would agree to an anonymous person’s proposal? The mystery client from the last had taught you enough lesson. You wouldn’t fall for this kind of thing again. Yet, you couldn’t help but read the rest of his texts when you received them.

From: Unknown Number

Would you be willing to

Like hmmmmmm

Meet up??? ?? ? (Received 10:19 P.M.)

Because

I might or might not want to offer you a job (Received 10:20 P.M.)

Staring at your screen for a full minute, it still took you some time before you could formulate a coherent answer. Your hands trembled faintly even as you typed it out.

From: Unknown Number

I don’t know what kind of game you’re trying to play, pal

But seriously (Sent 10:24 P.M.)

Please do stop trolling me

Delete my number

Don’t even attempt tracking me down (Sent 10:25 P.M.)

I will report you to the police (Sent 10:26 P.M.)

From: Unknown Number

Phew

Thought you blocked me

Although

That’s a funny thought (Received 10:27 P.M.)

What are you gonna tell the police

“The person I hacked is contacting me please stop him”

I don’t think you’ll get out of that complaint unscathed, dudette (Received 10:28 P.M.)

“This fucking git” you vehemently hissed. You were typing furiously when he suddenly flooded your phone again with messages.

From: Unknown Number

Okay you know what

How about this (Received 10:28 P.M.)

Let’s meet and talk in the police station

Just say at the front desk that you’re there to meet Blue

Does that make it better for you? (Received 10:29 P.M.)

If anything, it made you more apprehensive. You exited the messaging app just to check your e-mail for the details. Your client made it clear that it was Lacerta you were hacking three days prior. So, if this male was really a part of Lacerta, what possessed him to suggest meeting in a police station?

You decided to ignore his messages. Chucking your phone on your couch, you went through the motions of preparing yourself some dinner—the usual fare of microwavable food—before settling down to eat it and watch some movies. Soon enough, you forgot the anonymous person who was bothering you earlier as you got immersed in the show you were watching. However, a soft ‘ping’ sounded from your laptop. You put the bowl on the coffee table and checked your e-mail notification. What you found made your heart pound a little harder against your ribcage.

From: [email protected]

To: [email protected]

Cute mail address. Also, a friendly reminder that I know how and where to find you. :) (Received 11:54 P.M.)

Fucking hell.

So it went without further ado that you would meet him at the police station, as crazy as it sounded. Heck, even you felt like you were losing your mind at the very thought of a possible member of a wanted gang in a building housing the very people who are out to get them. You unlocked your phone and dug the messages from last night, prompted by the stranger’s unwelcome e-mail.

To: Blue

For fuck’s sake

Alright fine, you git

We already established what you wanted

What’s in it for me

And how do I really know that I am not being conned or anything into this

Be honest or I swear I will start hacking with a malevolent intent for the first time in my life (Sent 11:55 P.M.)

From: Blue

Wow

You type fast, woman

Also

We’ll be paying to pay you whatever amount you are willing to work for (Received 11:56 P.M.)

But within reason!

We don’t shit gold nuggets okay

Also a heads up

You might or might not end up working with me

As for reassurance that you won’t be hacked to pieces (Received 11:57 P.M.)

There will be a police officer waiting outside of the station

He’ll be sporting an outrageous hair color

Neon yellow (Received 11:58 P.M.)

Tell him that you’re there to meet Blue

He’ll take you inside

If he doesn’t he has a gun in a holster strapped to his hip okay

If all else fails, pepper spray is the way

So see you tomorrow, Hatter (Received 11:59 P.M.)

You reviewed the messages again before looking straight ahead. The light changed and you crossed the road, feeling your nerves spike up gradually. The police station was a few blocks away and your steps grew considerably slower, displaying your reluctance. Still, at least it seemed that Blue was telling the truth or maybe it was coincidence. A person in a police uniform was standing right outside the doors leading to the station. He wore a formidable scowl... which was a contrast to his neon yellow hair. People stared as they passed by, to which the man only scowled further.

You were worried his face will disappear and cave into itself when he scowled even more when you approached him. Feeling a little silly, you hesitated. However, you remembered the messages you exchanged with Blue. Steeling yourself, you opened your mouth and boldly said, “I’m here to see Blue.”

His face slackened for a moment. You worried you got the wrong person when he suddenly blurted out, “No way, it was a girl who hacked into Lacerta?”

That instantly made you bristle in anger and frustration. It seemed that there was still some prejudice against women. Also, his choice of words and his tone felt a little too depreciating and condescending than you liked. Squaring your shoulders, you raised your chin haughtily as you hotly retorted, “Is there a problem, sir? Maybe you’d like me to dig deep and accidentally unearth your secrets just to prove my skills? But then again, I don’t have to prove myself to narrow-minded moose like you.”

“Narrow-minded—? What the fu—”

“Officer? I was under the impression that you were here to escort her inside, not insult her with your deep-rooted sexism due to societal stereotypes. Hatter, good to see you, by the way. I thought you wouldn’t come until I saw you pass through one of the CCTV cameras lining the path.”

You blinked blankly at the man that suddenly appeared, the door beside the police officer held open as he looked at you expectantly. The first thing you noticed was how excessively blue his outfit was. Still, it looked good on him. Pastel blue button-up and dark blue slacks. Then, you realized he called you ‘Hatter’, the moniker Blue from last night called you.

“Blue?” you tentatively called him. You were rewarded by a blinding smile. You fought the urge to hold a hand in front of your face to block your eyes from the brilliance. He jerked his head, wordlessly inviting you inside. Sneaking a glance at the officer still scowling at the two of you, you squeezed yourself into the narrow opening. You tried not to brush against him as you took in the interior.

“We’re going to talk in the conference room. Hey, Detective! Tell Namjoon not to bust a nut just yet. Hatter just arrived” he called out to one of the people milling around in the station, a woman giving him something between a stink eye and a look of amusement. Her gaze casually slid towards yours, her lips quirking to a smile.

“A word of advice: you really don’t have a say in the matter. Just skin him alive with the benefits you’d like to receive” she told you. The two of you watched her walk away while tapping on her phone.

“Right, let’s get inside” he said to break the silence that settled awkwardly. “This way, Hatter.”

He ushered you inside the conference room and closed the door, isolating you from everyone else. You noted, with a wave of relief, that the blinds weren’t closed and the door wasn’t locked. It meant that if anything went wrong, someone from outside would see and you could make a quick escape. Your attention was caught when Blue cleared his throat.

“First off, you can call me Hoseok or Hobi. I don’t care about the honorifics or what unless there are other members around us” he started without preamble. “Also, if you want, I can keep calling you Hatter or you can share your name to me. Your choice, really.”

You snorted at that, unable to help yourself when you replied, “I’m pretty sure you did a background check on me already, Hoseok.”

Hoseok raised an eyebrow before smirking in amusement. “I see that you’re blunt and fast to pick up on things. Great. So, I’m offering you a job in Lacerta because a.) we’re kind of in the middle of a... thing right now and with the way you hacked into our system, your skills impressed me—impressed us—and unanimously made the decision of contacting you to hire you for that. Also, because we need someone else to help us in that thing that I mentioned.”

“Translation: I’m useful and it would make more sense to hire me than kill me. Next” you nonchalantly said. Hoseok shot you a look for interrupting him but nevertheless continued.

“Anyways, b.) I’m asking you to please say yes because Namjoon will throw me into a river full of alligators if your decision is otherwise. Look, I was sleep-deprived during that time and he was furious that I let such a slip-up happen. Please, save my ass. Like what Miss Detective said earlier, you can skin me alive with the benefits that you’d like to receive.”

You gave his pleading look a hard stare before deeply sighing. “Alligators only eat dead things” you mumbled.

“Is that seriously the only thing you caught from my rant?” he asked you, narrowing his eyes a little. You rolled your eyes and leaned on the table, pinning him down with your eyes.

“What does this... job entail?” you asked almost hesitantly, afraid that it might ask more than what you could possibly and are willing to give.

Immediately, he answered, “It just a behind-the-scenes thing. You’ll do what you do best: hacking. You won’t get to be sent on the field. Don’t worry about that. However, you might have to talk to Lacerta members at times.”

You frowned at how vague his description was. Unsatisfied, you crossed your arms and prodded further, “Don’t be so stingy with details. What else am I supposed to know.”

“All other things are classified unless you agree to work with us.” He paused for a moment before saying, “But all I’m going to tell you right now is that we need you because we have a conflict with Cepheus right now.”

He simply took in the disbelieving expression on your face. Cepheus? As in the rumored rival gang of Lacerta? Maybe you were in deeper shit than you thought. Still, you were still thinking of the money and benefits. You weren’t about to shoot his proposal down just because of a little danger. After all, what is life without some thrill?

“Based on what you saw of my skills, how much are you willing to pay me to work for you guys?” When he rattled off the amount, your eyes went as wide as saucers before blurting out, “Holy fuck, sign me up. Just please, can I have a bodyguard to accompany me at all times? Also, keep my family out of this.”

“What happened to skinning me alive for benefits?” he joked.

“I will, just much later when I can think more properly. Also, there’s no contract on paper yet. We’ll need that if you’re going to hire me. I refuse to go by words.”

He nodded in assent. “Alright. Also, there’s a spare room in our main house if you feel like your current place is less secure.”

You merely raised an eyebrow at his words before standing up. “I think we’re done here. I have to go now. My shift at work starts in less than two hours.”

He hummed before saying, “I’ll send you a draft of the contract later via e-mail. Also, we might need to meet again to clearly outline what you can do, will do and are to do while you work for Lacerta.”

Just before you could say that you understood him, a figure right outside the room caught your attention. Without warning, Hoseok yelled loud enough to be heard outside, “I sealed the deal, okay! Stop hounding me, Namjoon! That was just once! Never again!”

You jumped at the sheer volume of his voice, clapping your hands to your ears to muffle the sound. When he was done, you shot him an aggravated look before dryly commenting, “A heads up would have been nice.”

He huffed and muttered, “Sorry but that asshole needed to learn how to stop watching and hovering over everyone like a hawk. That’s Namjoon, the gang leader.”

“Oh” you supplied, more shocked by his usage of the word ‘gang’ than the actual information itself. He simply smiled, as if he found something funny before shaking his head in amusement.

“Alright, I won’t keep you for longer than necessary. See you next time, Hatter. And you’ll have to tell me how you hacked into our system by then” he said. You smirked wryly at the reminder as you moved to the door.

As you opened it, you paused and turned towards him. “Y/N in private, Hatter in public. I’d like to keep my anonymity. Also, I want a Jacuzzi in my bathroom."

“How do you know your room has a bathroom?”

“The twitch of your nose tells me my guess was right. See you, Hoseok.”

He spluttered. “Are you seriously asking me to basically do a renovation—”

“I am technically saving your ass” you said in a singsong voice. “Told you I’m not done skinning you alive for benefits.”

And then you shut the door behind you, leaving a Hoseok who was halfway between amused and exasperated at how things were turning out.

Your bowl of blue gummy candies was depressingly empty and you sulked like a kid as you stared at it. Settling into Lacerta’s main house was a little harder than you thought. what with everyone freely carrying their weapons around the house. It was safe to say you were terrified to your wit’s end during the first three days. It was more than a week now since you first arrived and had finally felt a little more comfortable. Still, the realization that you just willingly got yourself into this mess boggled you to this day. Munching on your candies had been your way of de-stressing even when the job assigned to you was simply just monitoring and storing the devices and the system Lacerta was tracking. However, you didn’t realize that your favorite food was gone until your fingertips hit the bottom of the bowl.

This was how Hoseok found you inside the computer room, scowling and pressing the keys of the keyboard harder than what was necessary. He took a moment to glance around the room before settling on the bowl on the desk.

“Blue gummy candies, correct? The one that tastes like mixed berries?” he asked. It made you stop whatever you were doing instantly and abruptly turn to face him.

You looked at him in confusion, not noticing he interrupted your work as you asked, “How did you know?”

“I eat the same stuff, too. I keep my stash hidden because the others like to dip in and empty my bowl out” he casually remarked. He unlocked a cabinet underneath his desk with a key, brandishing a larger bowl, filled to the brim with the same gummy candies you adored and loved. You watched with large eyes, uncaring when Hoseok laughed. “Go on. We can share this.”

You settled into a harmonious silence then. You monitored and saved data. Hoseok sorted through them and read through the ones that seemed important. He wrote down some notes on a pad of sticky paper and would often stick them on the corkboard on his side of the room. After some time, someone slipped into the room.

“Hey Hoseok hyung, have you figured— Oh, candy!”

Before he could get a single piece, you have swiped the bowl away. The young man looked at you with a shocked expression as you hugged the food tightly to your chest. You frowned at him while Hoseok struggled to breathe from laughing hard.

“Jungkook, don’t bother. Hatter is having sugar withdrawals and she won’t be sharing any time soon” he told him. Jungkook merely pouted before moving away from you, peering at Hoseok’s notes instead.

“Hmm, look’s like we’re on to something” Jungkook commented. “I can see a pattern but I can’t connect point A to point B.”

“I thought I was the only one thinking that” Hoseok said, relief coloring his voice. While eating the candies, you watched the two of them as they conversed and made guesses on what could Cepheus’ next move possibly be. You took the time to study your (un)official work partner from head to toe. At first glance, it was easy to deduce that he was attractive. However, you also noticed how lithe he was and how graceful the lines of his body were. When he moved, his body was fluid and light. You also didn’t miss the muscles that shifted under his clothes, evidence that he didn’t spend his days simply sitting in front of computer screens.

“Y/N? Am I your latest science experiment? I’m not used to the probing look.” Hoseok’s voice snapped you out of your reverie. Your eyes darted around, only to see that Jungkook already left. Upon seeing his amused smirk, you flushed and turned away, mumbling a ‘sorry, lost in thought’. You pointedly looked at your own screen with determination and continued working with vigor. You heard him chuckle and hoped that he wouldn’t mention anything about your stare from earlier.

“How are you settling into Lacerta so far?” he asked casually. You briefly stole a glance, only to see he was still looking at you. The smile was still there and it made you flush even more in embarrassment.

“Good, I guess.”

“Really? I just noticed that you eat a lot of your gummy candies when you feel stressed” he pointed out his observation. It made you flinch lightly, realizing you weren’t being as discreet or careful as you thought you were. “If it helps, you can talk to me. Rant or something. Just give me a heads up if you’re about to cry.”

You laughed at his words before lightly saying, “Nah, don’t worry too much. That was just me working both my mouth and mind at the same time.”

He raised an eyebrow at that. “So you mean to say, you’re overthinking and stress-eating because of that?”

When you gave him a sheepish look, he chuckled before telling you, “Don’t worry too much. Happens to the best of us. I’m not about to hound you for more details if you don’t want me to pry.”

“Thanks” you said with sincere gratitude. He merely replied with a smile, matching yours before giving you a salute. And then the two of you returned to your work.

“You look good in blue, by the way” you offhandedly complimented him but you didn’t miss the grin he was shooting you from your peripheral view.

“I think I’d have to whip out my signature blue slacks then. I just discovered when and where Cepheus planned to meet some of their ‘investors’.” He shot out of his seat and was at the door in a blink of an eye, hollering down the hallway.

“Namjoon hyung! We struck gold! It’s time to get Seokjin’s pretty face out there.”

#bts #bts jhope #jung hoseok #jhope #hoseok #kpop #Tumblr fanfic #fluff #action #gang!au #hacker!hoseok #freelance hacker!you #gang!bts #criminal!au #bts jung hoseok #bts hoseok #bts lacerta series #i'm tea-deprived while writing this #i'm so sorry if this is bad

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