#although i fully understand why people would hate it when it was missing

[sandymybeloved]

other shows musical episodes have nothing on doctor who's. one very repetitive song, existing almost entirely in the narration, a part from when two of the main characters a forced to give a performance of it at gunpoint. peak television or borderline unwatchable, who's to say

[kaveehs]

Not So Secret — Gojo Satoru

gn!reader, wc 0.8k, fluff, established relationship, high school au, jealous!gojo cuz he’s silly

synopsis: Gojo was not a “jealous” guy, but he also wasn’t the best at keeping your relationship a secret.

a/n: JJK 2 IS HERE SO I HAD TO WRITE MY SILLY <333

In his own eyes, Gojo was not the jealous type.

He hated the title more than anything. Although it without a doubt summed up the tight feeling he would get in his chest when other guys approached you, or the ever growing need he felt to tell the world you were his, he would never call himself jealous.

In part, he blamed his feelings on the fact your relationship with him was a secret. After all, that bit was your idea, but he can’t put you at fault for the reasoning. You wished to keep your relationship with him a secret because of how different you both were.

You were a quiet, straight laced student— you always kept to yourself despite being at the top of your class. He was the exact opposite, infamously known as a troublemaker around school, as well as being dubbed as some kind of “player” by your classmates. You knew the types of comments people would say about your relationship if it were to ever go public.

Gojo understood this completely, but there was just one small factor you overlooked— you were incredibly pretty. You were beautiful and he wasn’t the only one who recognized it. He wasn’t the only one to be intrigued by your personality. Gojo told himself that he was ok with this fact, and he wasn’t insecure either— far from it. His heart always knew in the end, you would choose him over the people that would try to pursue you with romantic interest.

When he saw one of your classmates attempting to drop subtle hints to you today, he couldn’t help but feel something had to change. He knew you would probably make some cute excuse as to why you can’t take the guy’s number, or how you’re focused on your studies rather than relationships, and how you would wonder if they would be convinced or still persist, he couldn’t take it anymore.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you,” he let out a sigh of synthetic relief as he snaked his arms around you from behind. He already knew where you would be— seeing as you texted him which classroom you were in and to come find you later. You were shocked by his actions, smiling meekly at your classmate who was also in dismay.

“Satoru, hi,” you muttered quietly, but Gojo was able to sense the annoyance in your tone. He laughed cheekily, squeezing you harder, fully knowing you would probably kill him for this later. “I thought I told you to come find me later,” you spoke with your jaw fully clenched.

“No could do. Missed you too much,” he sighed dramatically, rocking you back and forth. You could tell your classmate wanted to say something, but bit his tongue and kept quiet.

“Excuse us for a minute,” you said sweetly but apologetically as you dragged Satoru out of the classroom and to an empty one. He could practically see an aura of fire radiating off your body as you let go of his arm and shut the door.

“What was that about?” You crossed your arms, glaring straight at Satoru who’d made himself comfortable on one of the desks.

“What was what about?” He nonchalantly replied to your question. Him pretending to be oblivious set you off even more.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re a horrible actor Satoru,” you marched over to his desk. “What happened to keeping us a secret?”

“Oh, so that’s what you mean,” he nodded in understanding as he sat up. “It’s really hard to do that,” Satoru shrugged, patting the empty space next to him for you to sit. Although annoyed, you complied, arms still crossed and all.

“I know I promised to keep us a secret,” he admitted. “But I can’t stand the thought of someone else trying to flirt with you.”

“So you’re jealous.”

“No, not jealous,” he scoffed, looking at your usual smile slowly creeping back to your lips. “I just think we shouldn’t care about what others think about us.”

“I know,” you relaxed a bit too as you felt Satoru lean his head on your shoulder. “I guess I’m kinda scared.”

He let out a small chuckle, taking your own hand into his. He understood your fears all too well, and wanted nothing more than for you to be confident.

“You don’t have to be,” he shook his head softly against you, interlocking your hands together. “No one’s words can make me think less of you.”

“You don’t have to be jealous either,” you affirmed, sarcasm heavy in your tone. He pouted, pretending to be dramatically hurt by your comment.

“I don’t get jealous,” he clicked his tongue, as if he was correcting you. “But you know, you get really angry. Even though you’re subtle about it, you have such a cute angry face.” He knew exactly how to bring light into your mood, attempting to recreate your so-called ‘angry face’.

“I really can’t stand you,” you exaggerated as you leaned into him, stroking the back of his hand with your thumb. “You really are the jealous type, Satoru.”

[thranduel]

another thing that shows that el will always feel different and "out of place" compared to everyone else is because no one has ever actually called her by her birth name except for her mother and aunt. and obviously el is a cute nickname and it makes her feel more human in a way, but it's still short for 011, her subject number from the lab. brenner has always called her eleven, but sometimes other characters even blurt it out without thinking too (like when mike is upset with her or when they're arguing) and it just feels so dehumanising, even if they don't mean for it to sound that way. she even admitted it herself. "i am different. i do not belong." no matter how long she's been with everyone and no matter how long she dates mike, unfortunately he will never fully understand what she has experienced and she has so much unresolved trauma that's bottled up inside. a romantic relationship where they BOTH don't feel like equals (because even mike admitted he feels inferior to her because she's a "superhero" with powers) is the last thing they both needed and they rushed into it way too quickly. it's just unhealthy and unfair and i don't understand how anyone could want these kids to continue being forced in a relationship that they weren't even ready for

and during their fight in 4x03, mike called her eleven instead of el and he kept calling her that afterwards too. it's like a harsh reminder of being in the lab and also a reminder that so many people just see her for her powers. they look at her and they see the superhero that saves the day, but not jane as a person. and although some people might say "but it's nice how she's their superhero" or "they're just reminding her that she's not a monster", it's not always what she wants to hear, and she is so much more than her powers. people also need to remember that she got her powers because of abuse and she had no choice. she was abducted, abused and traumatised and they destroyed her mother's life as well. eleven had no say and never wanted any of this. she never asked for powers. then to make things worse she struggled physically and mentally in the lab, couldn't develop or learn about the real world like other kids her age and had to be locked up in a dark, claustrophobic room whenever brenner wasn't happy with her

so no, "you're my superhero" is not what she wanted to hear especially during a forced monologue where her boyfriend finally tells her he loves her right AFTER she gets her powers back. she was crying in her room begging to hear the words, not as eleven, but as jane, and mike couldn't do it then (he couldn't even write it on paper), so how do people think the monologue is genuine when he was lying the whole time and had to be pushed into it? not only that, but he didn't even list things about her as a person. he only spoke about her powers, which was actually a parallel to brenner. it truly boggles my mind that people say things like "oh, you don't like mike and el's relationship which means you hate el" like are you kidding me??! why do people act like her entire character is based around her relationship with mike?? not only that, but that is so wrong on so many levels. i love her and care about her so much, and i think anyone that actually watches the show and understands what she's been through would know that she wasn't ready for a romantic relationship with mike and she deserves someone that will see her for who she is as jane rather than just eleven. mike and el met during a traumatic time (el just escaped the lab and mike was searching for will who was missing and suffering in the upside down) and mike only ended up letting her stay with them when he found out the bad guys were after her and when he found out she had powers and could help find will. they've always had a trauma bond and mike heavily associates her with her powers and idolises her for being a superhero and it's just not healthy or fair to either of them

and no, i'm not just saying this because of byler. i know a lot of people immediately assume "oh you hate mike and el together just because you want byler", and that's not true. obviously i do think mike and will belong together because they have the closest relationship and they understand each other better than anyone else, but even if byler didn't happen, i still don't want mike and el to stay together. it's that simple. it's not because they're "in the way" of byler, it's because their relationship just simply isn't healthy for many reasons and mike's character got so much worse when they started dating. i think they have a beautiful friendship and they love each other so much but they don't belong together romantically and that's okay. it doesn't make their love any less strong. if anything, i think being friends would actually make them stronger

[omegatheimmortaldragonborn]

Character Study: Idolaf Battle-Born

Because I'm tired of seeing how quickly people kill him off, let's see if I can get myself to understand why you would OR show you why you shouldn't.

Feel free to request a character study in my ask box! It will help me keep track of them!

Neurological traits & Personality

There's a good chance he's neurodivergent, please bare with as I'm using my own experiences with this.

This isn't to say this is how all ND people act, although I shouldn't have to clarify that

He has a strong sense of justice - we see this with the imperial legion, he's a very strong supporter

He seems to lack the ability to feel empathy - eg. When talking to Fralia at the market (this isn't to say this applies to all ND people, as some experience quite the opposite)

While this could be just the voice acting, his voice lacks emotion (which i personally struggle with)

He doesn't actually seem to hate the Gray-Manes, only their choice in support. There's no dialogue in game where he insults or "drags" any of the family members. While yes, he can say he wants to throw Avulstein in jail, this can be linked back to the strong sense of justice

THORALD!!! He was looking into it himself, and if your speech is high enough you can persuade him to tell you. While his reasoning is blurry, it can be presumed he asked about because of concern. He mentions that they used to be friends, no doubt close too.

He knew the risks of asking about him, and he tells us he was told to mind his business but kept pushing for an answer

He believes letting the Gray-Manes think Thorald died would've been easier than telling them that no, he's alive, held captive by the Thalmor, in a place where you don't ever come out, and probably being tortured. - sense of Justice AGAIN

He gives you the letter anyway, too!

The market scene reinforces the lack of empathy theory, and the strong sense of justice, because he clearly cared enough about Thorald to go asking about him, had his answers (worse case scenario ones too) and came to the conclusion she was better off not knowing.

I think people tend to forget he grew up around the Gray-Manes too, so he's going to know their character alot better than the DB ever will.

Fralia already seems heartbroken over him going missing, which is probably why he made the decision not to tell her.

Often considered prideful, for example - would rather bend his knee to Ulfric than ask Eorlund for help. Again though, he grew up with the Gray-Manes and so them not picking the same side he did probably hurt like a bitch. (Sense of justiceeee)

Parenting

This part is the only part where I can fully understand why people may not like him as Lars is still being bullied.

There may be multiple reasons for this

Lars hasn't told him - very unlikely though since Alfhild (Idolafs wife) knows about it but he may just be closer with her

Has a more traditional approach to it, and tries to get him to stand up to her, which is most likely as it seems to be a common theme throughout Nords in general that you handle your own problems.

He has spoken to Armen and/or Sapphia about Braiths behaviour, but nothing came of it. Which to be fair is also a decent possibility, as someone who has been bullied most of my school life, typically parental intervention never really helps 💀

Other than that, he seems to try a decent amount. He tries to keep Lars out of trouble with the guards (climbing Dragonsreach cannot be legal 💀🤣), and Lars is outside most of the day too so he probably encourages him to play with the other kids in the hold. (Maybe not braith but yknow)

Anyway, if there's something I've missed feel free to leave a reply, I'm happy to try and explain them some more! :> not that I'm expecting anyone to see this like who actually scrolls Idolaf's tag 💀

Me, I do :)

[skymaiden32]

Bad News

AO3 link here

Fandom: Thunderbirds, Stingray

Tagging: @dragonoffantasyandreality @thundergeek59 @janetm74 @katblu42 @liseylou @amistrio @uniwolfcorn @idontknowreallywhy (Please ask if you would like to get alerts when I update or post new stories.)

Continuity: TOS

Last chapter, here we go!

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4

Gordon learns who Trench really is.

------

The walk along the beach was surprisingly peaceful, and Gordon found himself relaxing a little, although he knew there was no way he could fully let his guard down. 

Trench broke the ice. “So, you must have questions. What do you want to know?” He asked in that tinny voice of his.

“Okay, that one’s easy enough.” He chuckled without any humour. “Who the hell are you?”

Trench paused. “Oh, right. Thanks for reminding me.” The mask was off before Gordon could even blink. He held back a gasp when he saw who it was. “It’s been too long since I felt the crisp sea air on my face. Can’t take the mask off in front of the Aquaphibians. I’d be dead in two seconds flat.”

“Troy Tempest…?”

The man in front of him bowed. “The one and only.”

Gordon frowned, trying his best to regain his composure. “You’re the last person I’d expect…” Shore hadn’t been kidding at all, had he? This was bad. This was really bad. “You and Titan hate each other.”

Troy hummed. “That was before he… shall we say… opened my mind to Marineville’s faults.”

More like brainwashed, Gordon thought, but didn’t say aloud. “What about Atlanta? Phones? Fisher? All the people you left behind? I’m sure they all miss you.” When Troy didn’t answer, Gordon changed tactics. “Okay, then what about me? I know you’ve met Scott and Virgil before, so that explains how you knew we were siblings, but it doesn’t explain how you knew I was IR.”

Troy smiled. “X20. He was on a routine mission to Marineville and overheard your little conversation with Shore. Which he then reported back to me.” They approached a large rock, and Troy gestured for Gordon to sit next to him. Gordon glared at him in reply, but eventually complied, fearing what might happen to his brothers if he didn't. “It was simple to set up a disaster that would be too hard for International Rescue to ignore.”

“So it was you who attacked the USS Rodgers.”

“I would’ve thought that would be obvious. It was my tracker that allowed me and my men to follow you here.” The other man hummed. “The plan originally was to follow you to your base and seize your technology. Well, that was Titan’s at least.” Gordon raised an eyebrow. “My plan was to just talk to you. I’m glad you found the tracker. Makes my task of explaining our failure to the King easier.”

The aquanaut froze. “Wait, just making sure I’m understanding. You were never going to attack our base? You really were just going to talk?”

Troy grinned. “I may not be on the surface dwellers side anymore, but I still consider you a friend. And Titanica has no pre-existing quarrel with International Rescue. Attacking you would be unwise.”

“You’ve changed your tune.” Gordon hissed, not falling for any of it. “You were taking my brothers prisoner less than ten minutes ago, and now you’re saying that ‘attacking us would be unwise’. I see right through you, Tempest.” He frowned. “Or should I be calling you Trench now?”

Captain Tempest, Captain Trench, whoever it was in front of him, sighed. “Look. I meant what I said. No harm will come to them. As a matter of fact, if the Aquaphibians hurt them, I’ll end them myself.”

“Bet Titan won’t be happy about that.” Gordon scoffed. 

“I learned he doesn’t care a long time ago. So long as someone does the work and the work is done.” Troy retaliated. “And I learned that when I was in WASP.”

“I see.” An uneasy silence followed. Gordon had just one question to ask. “Okay, I’ll bite. Why talk to me in the first place? Why not just disappear?”

More silence. For a minute, Gordon didn’t think Troy would answer him. But eventually, he did. “To say sorry.” He said in a low voice. “Sorry I didn’t manage to say goodbye.”

Gordon’s eyes widened in realisation. It had been too quick, leaving WASP after his accident. He hadn’t been able to stay at Marineville General for long. His injuries had needed to be specially treated. And since he’d already been honourably discharged following the whole mess, he’d never gotten a chance to wave farewell to the group of aquanauts who had taught him so much, who’d done their best to steady him and be a secondary family. He’d never gotten that closure. But then of course, neither had they.

“I’m sorry too. Sorry that I lost touch with all of you. Sorry we’re on opposite sides now…” For the first time since Troy had made his presence known, Gordon looked at him. Really looked. “You look exhausted, Tempest.” He said honestly, and was surprised at his own concern. “How hard is Titan working you?”

“Oh, it’s not that bad.”

Gordon gave him a look, channelling his best Scott impression. “Troy.”

“The undersea races don’t need as much sleep as humans do.”

The look hardened. “Troy. How much sleep do they get?”

Troy winced. “Four hours? At most?”

“And Titanica is the better option over Marineville?”

The other aquanaut huffed. “I’m not going back there.”

“Then leave Titanica at the very least. You don’t have to work for WASP. Just…” Gordon paused. “Just come back to the surface. You said yourself, you haven’t felt the air on the surface for ages.”

Troy sighed, looking out to the sea. “I can’t do that. The ocean is my home now…” He frowned. “Plus, I’d be in for one hell of a Court Marshal. They’d track me down, make me pay for leaving WASP, and then I’d be stuck in a prison cell.” He laughed dryly. “What sea air would I feel then, Gordon?”

“That’s what you think, Troy, but the truth of it is that WASP will defend you. And that’s because you didn’t leave. You were taken.” Gordon frowned when Troy froze, confirming his worst thoughts. “I’ve got it, don’t I? Titan abducted you. He moulded you into someone you’re not, and then he forced you to fight your friends.” Troy’s continued silence was damning. “Tell me I’m wrong!”

“How dare you speak of Titan in that way? He saved me from that life.” Troy’s voice was barely above a whisper, and Gordon immediately knew he’d pushed too far. He couldn’t stop himself from looking down. He knew though, he was right about what Titan had done. The tyrant couldn’t kill his worst enemy, so instead he shaped Troy and his mind as he saw fit. “I will not return to life on the surface.” 

Out the corner of his eye, Gordon noticed the mask slip back on. He supposed Trench was fully back. A crunch was heard as he crushed something in his hand. Gordon recognised the tracker that had let the Aquaphibians follow them here in the first place. “I will not tell His Majesty about this conversation we had, but I believe that conversation is over.” He pressed something on his collar, and began speaking in the Aquaphibian language. Gordon could only barely make it out with the little he’d been taught at WASP. His brothers were being released. “As promised, your brothers are unharmed. I strongly advise that the three of you leave. The rest of your family must be worried.” He gestured in the direction of the Thunderbirds, letting Gordon lead the way there. 

The aquanaut breathed a sigh of relief when he saw them standing there in front of Thunderbird 2. He broke off in a run, just wanting to stick to them like glue now. When they saw the look on his face, they frowned. Scott glared in Trench’s direction. “He didn’t hurt you, did he?”

“No! Absolutely not. Just…” He looked back at Captain Trench and his Aquaphibian men. He didn’t like what he saw in his old friend, now a new enemy. “I just want to get home.”

His two brothers nodded, clearly agreeing with his decision. It had been a difficult day. And as Thunderbirds 1 and 2 both lifted into the air, Gordon processed everything that had just happened. It took a while. All throughout the journey home and the debrief, where Scott had the unfortunate task of telling their father what had just happened. Jeff Tracy was out for blood now, and Alan had looked mortified. . 

Gordon took his secret to bed with him, locking the door for as much privacy as he could get with three brothers in the house and one able to get in contact from space at any given moment. He turned on his video-call, taking a deep breath as he typed in the familiar number. His heart beat in his chest as it rang. Finally, the person he was calling answered. 

“Hello?” Voice only. Dang it. Oh well, it was better than nothing. 

Swallowing down his nerves, he continued what he’d started. “Hi Atlanta. You probably don’t remember me, but I’m Gordon Tracy. I used to work with you at WASP.”

The woman on the other end gasped. “Of course, Lieutenant Tracy! It would be difficult to forget you.” Gordon smirked. His reputation still preceded him, then. “Father said he’d contacted you about temporarily replacing a crew member. Have you changed your mind?”

He shook his head. “I’m afraid not. I called to talk to you about something else.”

“Oh?”

“I, umm…” He hesitated. This wasn’t going to be easy to tell her. “I… saw Troy earlier today.”

“Oh.” Atlanta’s voice wilted. “So you know then.” It wasn’t a question. “He tracked you down.”

“Yeah, and…” Gordon sighed. “I just wanna talk to someone about what he said. Someone who’d know…”

“You don’t have to finish that sentence, Gordon. I understand. Do you want to talk now?”

“Yeah, I would.” 

So that’s just what they did together. They shared what had happened among themselves. The conversations they’d had with Troy since his turn and how they felt. And Gordon felt so much lighter, to know he wasn’t alone in this feeling.

[nightfayre]

I wanted to share a thought on He Cheng that has been on my mind a lot lately.

Have you ever thought about young He Cheng? His life and development during his teenage years? My heart breaks at the fact that He Tian had lost his mother at a such young age, the child who missed all the tender touches and kind smiles from that mother's unconditional love. But I think we tend to forget about He Cheng. He was only a teenager when he lost one of the most important and the most loving people in his life and was left alone to battle against his father's ideology in order to protect his little brother. During his teenage years, when he only knew what the life was like with both parental figures, the years when he just started to become his own person; the same years he lost something so precious in his life and was left to deal with the consequences all by himself. He knew that the father had power over him since he was not yet independent and the other still held guardianship over him. He was aware of the father's line of work which he despised since childhood because it made his mother cry. But he made a personal choice, that in order to subdue his brother's misery from the affect of that side of his father, he would become the prodigy. He would become the one responsible and the perfect child so He Tian will have the freedom to become someone who He Cheng did not get a chance to become. He Tian once said that He Cheng became a person he hates the most, but who said that He Cheng does not hate himself for that as well? He sacrificed his future in order to protect a loved one (He Tian). He sacrificed his life in order to give He Tian that gleam of opportunity for something pure. As much as it hurts to see the panels where He Tian feels lonely and isolated, it becomes even more unbearable because the only person who knows exactly what it is like, is being misunderstood by him. I think He Cheng is one of the most loneliest and the most heartbreaking characters there are in that universe.

Thank you, I just wanted to share a little piece of mind

hi!! <3 sorry for the delay in my response. I’ll explain why I waited to reply in a second

but first I want to say that I completely agree with every point you made! I don’t want to waste too much time restating all the thoughts you explained because I think you said them well enough yourself <3

but still, I agree that He Cheng made/makes a lot of sacrifices for He Tian. he clearly loves his little brother. but I also think He Tian is too young and ignorant to fully understand that. he’s still harboring hurt from when he was blindsided by Cheng when he was younger. clearly they had a much better relationship before Cheng “became someone He Tian hates the most.” I can’t imagine the isolation they both must have felt when Cheng began to adapt to their fates. and it’s not just about the dog — it’s about everything else too. it’s about the fact that they only had each other after their mother passed, and then they quickly lost each other, too. they are both very, very lonely — but neither of them are willing to show it bc of their lovely, lovely pride. He Tian is beyond lucky to have a brother like Cheng, given their circumstances; he just can’t appreciate that fact yet

and listen: I know I won’t shut the fuck up about my ongoing fic, but the timing of this ask is too perfect to not mention the chapter I just posted to desecration. that’s why I wanted to wait to post this response. although it’s a tianshan fic, the He brothers were one of the driving factors/inspirations behind the story

lmk if you’re not interested in reading the entire fic but still want to see excerpts that explain my thought process/evaluation of the He brothers’ relationship and history! <3

[after-hours-art]

Kageyama x f!reader

Paring: Kageyama Tobio x fem!reader

Genre:

Warnings: cursing

Your head popped in the main gym. It was right after volleyball club practice.

- Kageyama! - you smiled at your best friend. Black-haired first-year turned around and raised his hand when he saw you.

- Awwww Kageyama-kun why you never told us that you have a girlfriend? - his friend tried to joke but Tobio's and your death stare effectively shut his mouth. Kageyama picked up his stuff and walked towards you.

It wasn't the first and won't be the last time people assumed that you and Kageyama were dating. Although from the side you two looked quite cute - you as the sunshine and he as the grumpy one - you never have thought about a relationship with Tobio. Even tho, you two were always together. Always protecting and supporting each other.

But in reality, you were somehow forced to become friends, you were neighbors and your mothers were best friends, so the bond between you two was created early before you two could handle a proper talk.

- You came early today - Kageyama took strawberry milk from you and took a sip. - Why so?

- It's getting dark earlier. And cold. I didn't want to wait for you longer.

- Then don't wait.

- No. I'm not going home alone after dark.

- It's not that dark. It's nearly sunset.

- Shut up - you hit his arm, not too hard to not hurt his precious setter body.

Kageyama said nothing, as usual, and kept his standard walking pace.

- What's your next game?

- Inters to the Spring Tournament.

- Good. Can I-

- No. You can't go and watch. - he cut you before you can end the sentence.

- Why?

- Because I said so.

Tobio never let you go to his games. You were freaking lucky if you were able to see him practice. Volleyball was something he kept so far away from you as if it was a dirty secret, not a nice game.

But for him, the version of him on the court, The King, it was embarrassing. He knew he dictated a lot, but someone needed to control the game and those idiots in his team. But he never would let you see that side of him. It would mean losing the only person he actually cared about.

- You're no fun, Tobio

- It's Kageyama-kun

- I'm not fully from Japan, don't expect me to use polite forms

- You never left Japan, idiot - the corner of his lips lifted when he looked at you. He was smiling only when he was with you

//Week Later//

After he missed the game (he was put on the bench but lying to himself that he missed it was better), Kageyama was unapproachable. He hasn't said a word to you for the whole week. You were worried. Asked his team members but all you got was "You can ask his highness himself. If he'll have time for your audience, of course".

You didn't understand a thing about it. His highness? That hate in those words? All you could do was just sit down on the cold school floor, your back leaning on the doorframe to the gym, hopelessly waiting for Kageyama to come home. Because he never asked you to walk together again for the next two months. But you never gave up. You kept following Tobio as you used to. But he acted as if you didn't exist. He was somehow fixated on the volleyball. But you never saw him with any of the team members. He was a setter, doesn't he need spikers to practice?

But you knew that you needed him. You needed his calmness to your energy. You simply missed your best friend.

That's why you decided to break the only rule that your friendship had. "Don't go to Kageyama's games" rule.

//Game day//

You entered the gym. You always thought that your school was huge but it was nothing compared to Aoba Johsai High School where the games were held. You started to walk towards the board to find your school.

- Kitagawa Daiichi.... Kitagawa Daiichi... - you traced your finger on the board.

- Court B - the happy voice sounded right above your ear. You jumped, hitting your back on someone's chest.

- Oh fuck... I mean I'm sorry!

You felt hands on your shoulders, as the person slowly turned you around so you faced them.

- Oh- Oikawa-senpai - you smiled, recognizing an ex-student from your school.

- Aww you're Tobio-chan's girlfriend, I remember you.

- I'm not his girlfriend - you mumbled, blushing.

- Nah nah I know, I know, lovers, they all say the same. Anyway, you're here to watch your boyfriend play? - he let go of your arm and leaned on the wall, his right hand above your head.

- Yeah. He spaced out a little... And I couldn't get anything out from his team so here I am. Wanna go with me?

- Oh, of course! That's why I'm here!

- It's not like this is your school?

- Ehehehe this and Kitawaga game - he scratched his nape and smiled softly at you. You smiled back and let the high schooler lead you to the court.

//

You took the seat next to Oikawa and immediately spotted Kageyama on the court. He looked so different. Somehow his calm energy was now on fire. You almost called his name but Tooru put his hand on your shoulder.

- Don't distract him. I never saw you at our games through last year, he probably would be serious playing in front of his girlfriend.

- For the last time, senpai, I'm not his girlfriend.

- But would you like to be?

You didn't answer and shifted your attention from Oikawa to the game. Your eyes were locked on Tobio. He was better than the rest, it was visible in his moves. And the school they played against clearly had nothing to offer but Kageyama still played rather recklessly. His tosses were accurate but spikers were too slow. You almost felt your cheeks burning as if you were ashamed of how your best friend was taking his emotions out on his teammate.

- Maybe he might be needing his little girlfriend? - Oikawa mumbled to you.

- Shut- sorry senpai. He doesn't need me. He needs his team now.

- Oh... He might not get them back

Your eyes immediately focused on the game. But there was no game. Kageyama's toss was ignored. Noone even rushed for it.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU IDIOTS?

- Your tosses are too reckless! They are impossible to hit!

- JUST MOVE FASTER!

- King of the Court. Find yourself new slave. Because I'm not going to be one anymore - spiker, the one who you thought was Tobio's friend, turned away from Kageyama.

You sighted. They might have won the game. But it wasn't a good game. It wasn't even a game.

- Ay... what happened to my cute Tobio-chan...? - Oikawa pouted, looking down at his ex-teammate.

- I don't know... but I'll find out - you left the bleachers. You ran down the corridor, looking for your friend.

- Kageyama! - you shouted when you finally spot him near the vending machine.

- Y-Y/N? Why are you here? - he barked at you. It was the first time he was truly cold towards you.

- I was worried about you so I came to watch your game an-

- So go back to Oikawa-senpai and hang out with him. You two seemed to enjoy yourselves earlier.

- What the hell are you talking about? Kageyama, talk to me. What happened on the court? What's going on?

- You never listen, right?!

- Kageyama! - you squeaked, when he pushed you against the wall, trapping you between his arms.

- You never listen. I told you to not come to my games!

- Why?! Because you're not coordinated with your team? That was your damn reason?!

- Because...

- Kageyama!

- I have various reasons!

- Then tell me! I thought we were

- Friends - he cut you off. - Is that really the only thing you think we are?

- Yeah. I mean, aren't we?

- We are not. And you know about that.

- Is that what got you all wrapped about the games?! Our relationship, that you supposed to leave OFF the court?!

- Yeah. Not only that but yeah.

- Kageyama! You were purely cruel to those guys!

- It's not my fault that they can't hit a good toss!

- It wasn't a good toss! He was miles from the-

- If he have run faster he would make it!

- Kageyama do you hear yourself?! That toss was impossible to hit and you know about that! I can see it in your eyes!

For a while, he said nothing.

- I was just making sure that we win!

- You can't play volleyball as an individual. - you sighted. - Or you'll never be called King of the Court in good meaning. You're more of the dictator now. And no one likes dictators.

- Shut up. What you can possibly know about volleyball?

- I know people, Kageyama. And I know my best friend who I loved for my whole life. He isn't like that setter I just saw there.

- Then what is he like, huh?! Happy and all jumpy like Oikawa-senpai?!

- Fuck off from him! He has nothing to do with this! It's about you! You're not like that! Quit being selfish and play as a team! Or you'll never be able to find your spiker!

- I'm doing what I have to do to-

- Win! Is that all you want?! Stupid crown! Keep it then!  But don't be surprised if you'll lose everyone on the way!

- You too?

- What?

- Will I lose you too?

- No. I might hate the way you are out there but I l-

You couldn't end the sentence, stopped by Kageyama's lips on yours. You held your breath for a second. When he finally let go of you, you stood in front of him highly blushing. For so long as you were hoping for a scene like that between you two, you wouldn't think that it would be in the middle of the argument.

- Love you too much to leave - you ended your sentence and dropped your gaze to your shoes. Kageyama sighted. His hands moved from the wall on your waist, pulling you closer to him. Your face lightly hit his chest and his arms wrapped tightly around you. That was what you needed. And Kageyama secretly needed the same.

- Don't go for the stupid crown in high school too - you mumbled, slightly gripping his shirt, tightening the hug. - Because they won't hesitate to leave you.

- You will leave me too? - he asked.

- No. I won't. But if I were your spiker... I would.

[warlordfelwinter]

specific character asks: 2, 4, 9 for delphi! 8 and 13 for foxglove! 19-21 for celeste!

[weirdly specific character asks]

Delphi

2. How loosely or strictly do they use the word ‘friend’?

pretty strictly and he doesn't have many people he would call 'friend'. part of that is superstition on his part because his friends keep dying or having horrible things happen to them.

4. What’s a hobby they used to have that they miss?

hmm... archaeology, if that counts as a hobby. he used to be very into history and all that... i really hadn't thought about whether he can remember that or not, but i think he does miss it sometimes even if he can't remember. just some sort of nebulous, untethered feeling of loss of certain parts of himself.

9. Do they give tough love or gentle love most often? Which do they prefer to receive?

gentle on both counts. which is just basically all of my ocs because i personally don't have a lot of patience for tough love unless it seems to be needed. if Delphi could tell that someone would respond better to tough love, he would adjust his approach, but his instinct is to be gentle with people. everyone but himself, that is. he saves all the tough love for himself and it doesn't work.

Foxglove

8. How loose is their use of the phrase ‘I love you’?

oh very loose, but it doesn't necessarily mean they mean it. they just Say Shit and fall in love with people and things very easily but in a fascination sort of way and not a romantic sort of way.

13. When do they fake a smile? How often?

never. Foxglove doesn't know how to hide their emotions and they don't know why anyone would want to. they are always fully feeling what they're feeling and they're almost always happy.

Celeste

19. What would they do if stuck in a room with the person they’ve been avoiding?

pretend he hadn't been avoiding them while continuing to avoid the topic of whatever he'd been avoiding them for. he would try very hard to act normal and make small talk.

20. Who do they like as a person but hate their work? Vice versa, whose work do they like but don’t like the person?

he's not a particularly big fan of Asmodeus' work, frankly, which is why he simply doesn't think about it that much. loves the man, doesn't understand or like his job but also knows he can't apply his own morals to extraplanar creatures and deities. the second one is harder... although, honestly the answer is probably a lot of people. a lot of the people he's met in the course of the adventure so far are people whose work he knows is good but who he doesn't personally get along with or who don't take him seriously (various officials in waterdeep, some harpers, etc). Celeste theoretically gets along with people really easily but that hasn't proven to be true jfkslfgn

21. What common etiquette do they disagree with? Do they still follow it?

hmmm... making me really think with these... maybe like. deferring or showing extra respect to those of a higher social class than him. a lot of social constructs Celeste thinks are silly, but particularly thinking people are better or worse because of their birth or how much money they have or whatever. he does still abide by those rules most of the time because he is most often employed by city officials or nobility or similar strata of people and he doesn't want to get blacklisted because he was rude

[anothermansjeans]

pls pls pls share your thoughts on speak now tv babe we’re all waiting 👀

THANK YOU FOR ASKING BESTIE BECAUSE THOUGHTS HAVE BEEN THUNK

okay SO speak now is literally my favorite taylor album ever so to say this rerelease was so anticipated for me is an understatement and i have mixed feelings but most of them are super good!!

also all of my notes are below the cut because this is gonna be long

my first note: the enunciation in taylor’s version makes my heart SOAR because although i will forever still love the og (not enough to stream), it’s amazing how actually hearing the words more clearly makes the song 10x better???

and now i’ll go into better than revenge bc let’s be so for real that was probably the most anticipated song for everyone— but, i don’t hate the lyric change. it’s very folklore of her which does take away the vibes of speak now, but i understand her reasoning for wanting to change it. i think i’ve listened to btrtv enough times though to fully accept and appreciate the lyric so maybe that’s why i’m so okay with it.

onto the main thing i felt was lacking throughout the entirety of the album— that feminine rage and teenage angst. that’s one of the reasons why speak now is one of my favorite albums as a whole, and i feel like because taylor grew up and has a different mindset towards everything that had happened at that point in her life, she wasn’t feeling as vengeful and you could tell when she was singing.

i still absolutely love all of the songs and the production is also very different but also gives that same feel so i appreciate that as well, but again, i think because taylor matured with not only her writing but her feelings it feels as though the anger is lacking.

(i also want to say that i saw some theories about how j*** m****’s team had written emails towards taylor regarding the songs when speak now was first released and that’s why she told people not to attack him, and if i’m going by that then it would make sense that songs such as haunted sound more frustrated and helpless than angry)

BUT NOW ON TO THE VAULT TRACKS…

I CAN SEE YOU IS THAT BITCH !!!!!! literally my fave out of all of them. when emma falls in love is also so good im obsessed because same, i see someone fall in love and admire that and literally want to be them and just love everything that they have!!

castles crumbling hurt like a bitch and to have long live on the same album is fucking insane it’s makes so much sense— like, same taylor, i love to acknowledge people loving me but i also love to acknowledge people hating me!!

and don’t get me started on foolish one….. i am that bitch BUT ALSO IF ANYONE HASN’T READ how i met my husband by alice munro YOU NEED TO BECAUSE EDIE IS ALSO THAT BITCH AND DESERVED BETTER AND I THINK READING THAT STORY AND LISTENING TO THE SONG WILL KILL YOU

timeless and electric touch are also so incredible! they aren’t my favorites but i still appreciate them very much 🩷

and finally my favorite song is still speak now, miss taylor gave us that little giggle and i thank her for that because the shaky breath in last kiss is gone </3

thanks for asking my thoughts bestie 🫶

[chirpsythismorning]

Sorry, i just saw the incredibly long answer you made about the ask i sent you and i think we got lost in translation because all i meant was that they writers are showing us what's going on with Mike because he is not verbalizing it, but the fact that he is jot saying it, doesn't mean it's not there. People are juat assuming stuff about Mike instead of trying to see him.

Oh sorry about that!! I was confused and almost didn’t respond, but I’m glad I did so we could clear that up.

I think Mike 100% follows the rules of show don’t tell throughout the series, which is why if you go off of what he says outright as the definitive truth about everything, you’re going to miss a lot of the important details that are trying to explain further what his words often leave out or only just barely allude to.

I think there is way too much evidence to support Mike being more complex than he lets on. And so if I ignored all of that, I feel like I would be ignoring what makes Mike such a unique character.

I love how they’re approaching Mike’s arc as it unravels bc although most casual fans hate him, that was sort of the point. The writers want us to misunderstand Mike when he is at his most misunderstood.

That way, when we finally start to understand him in the last season, that’s when casual fans will realize they only had doubts about his character when the story intentionally put stuff there for us to feel that way.

When the truth is revealed beyond just what is being shown subtly, I think there will be an immense sense of relief and acceptance among viewers, especially bc so many will feel bad for not seeing how much he was struggling all those times they were convinced he was the bad guy. In reality, he was going through things that we weren’t supposed to fully realize at the time, making that all feel really satisfying once it finally unfolds.

[birlwrites]

scrapbook snippet: the ice prince

this is a preview, really, because i'm showing you evan's thought process a few handfuls of chapters down the line as opposed to the current point in ttdl. nonetheless, i felt like posting it now lol.

so: we give evan a chance to tell us what he thinks. truthfully? .......mayhaps.

*

The title of 'Slytherin ice prince' is a recurring one, or at least that's what Evan has gathered from the way his family talks about their time at Hogwarts.

There's no formal decision process—everyone just knows. Slytherin doesn't always have one, although Katherine says Lucius Malfoy thought (mistakenly) that it was him. But Malfoy apparently wears authority like full plate armor, intimidating but clunky. Ten or so years ago, it was a Zabini; twenty years before that, it would have been Abraxas Malfoy if not for some unknown who apparently charmed him into losing the cool exterior. Before that, it was a Nott, and before that, a Pierce, if there's any merit to the stories from Evan's older relatives.

It's never been a Rosier, but that's not a surprise. Rosiers aren't cool or aloof. They're charming, mercurial, even melodramatic. It's a fun way to move through the world, but it used to grate on Evan, knowing that by virtue of his name he was destined to be seen as flighty, shallow, better as a dinner guest than a political ally.

He's used to the idea now. It has its merits.

It wasn't always that way, though. For a short while, Evan wanted to be serious—refused to add to his house's reputation, kept a straight face whenever possible, tried to persuade himself that he didn't care about fun things. When he was little, he'd even vaguely entertained the idea of being the first Rosier ice prince. (Which, in hindsight, probably should have tipped him off that he was a boy, but whatever. He put it together eventually.)

Then he'd met Regulus Black and thrown that idea right out the window.

Everyone just knows, and Evan knew. Even at five years old, bookish and introverted bordering on antisocial, Regulus carried himself like royalty. (Which was hilarious to Evan at the time, because every time a group of children their age would be put in a room together while their parents had lunch or tea, other children would flock to Regulus, which interfered with his reading and made him very snappish. But after a while Regulus stopped snapping, and eventually he stopped sneaking books with him everywhere he went as well. Sometimes Evan misses that Regulus who openly hated being forced to take his nose out of a book, especially when it meant interacting with other people.)

So when Regulus started forming his own personal third side of the war, Evan knew instantly that the Junior Death Eater League or whatever they call themselves (which is probably not the Junior Death Eater League) stood no chance. Regulus would siphon off all of their recruits for himself and leave Mulciber and his friends in the dust, rejected and embarrassed.

It wasn't a move Evan had expected from Regulus of all people. Barty's always itching for a way to get back at his father, and Evan was fully expecting him, at least, to dive wholeheartedly into the Death Eaters. Regulus himself doesn't like getting his hands dirty. Yet there they were, shaking the very bedrock of politics—not just for Slytherin, and not just for Hogwarts, but for the entirety of the British magical world.

Naturally, Evan was suspicious. The question that's been instilled in him since he was old enough to understand it is 'why bother?' Inaction is easier than action, and in this case, it is certainly much safer.

So. Why bother?

Because Slytherin is dominated by the kind of people whose ambitions extend to a Wizengamot seat or a certain number of Galleons in a bank vault or seeing their face on magazine covers. Ambitious, yes, but not the type of people who have books written about them. Not the type of people whose names pass into legend. Not like Regulus, clawing his way to a destiny of his own making.

(And partially of Evan's making, if he gets his way.)

Regulus isn't the type to settle. Not for second best, not for spare, not for mediocrity most of all.

That's 'why bother.'

The point is, Evan's always known Regulus is the prince. All Evan needs to do is make sure there's a place for him in the court. As for what he'll do with it... the beauty is that really, he can do whatever he wants.

Such is the merit of being a flighty, shallow dinner guest. No one pays attention to what he might be doing under the table.

[aromanticbuck]

And he can't let anyone's unhappiness be his fault.

Yeah, uh wow, um, am I Mouse?

But seriously, I love your metas, I really get a feel for these characters in a way that will enrich them to me when I finally can find somewhere to watch PD. I just want someone to sit Jay down and explain to him that Mouse loves him and these behaviors, because I think that would just be so interesting to have Jay be aware of Mouse rather than oblivious, and to have Jay's reaction to finally understanding his friend. Mouse would probably hate whoever told on him though.

* (like when he makes his comments about drugs in 4x05, because we saw how Jay reacted to that)

I can't find where you covered that but I'm sure you did. Is that the incident where Mouse says he did nitrous in college? Or is this another incident I don't remember?

[ this morning's meta ]

Mouse is a mood at all times, he's just very fun and relatable.

I'm glad you're enjoying my babbles! I'm glad someone is reading my essays about this made up little guy. Honestly, sometimes I don't want to make them public because it feels like the only people who read them are the people I've already babbled to in DMs and messages like a dozen times (with new information each time because there's always new details to notice).

Thank you for appreciating my babbles. Here are... so many more babbles.

warnings: discussion drug use and addiction, brief mentions of death (nothing graphic or detailed, it's just a cop show so there's crime by nature)

I think, to an extent, Jay isn't nearly as oblivious as I poke fun at him for being. I will absolutely joke about him not picking up on the undertones and double meaning of "you seeing somebody?" but at the same time, he does know Mouse. That's his best friend. They've known each other for over a decade, they almost died together, they pulled each other out of the roughest parts of their lives. Which means he knows that Mouse doesn't do relationships, has never done them and doesn't intend on changing that any time soon. So, that comment in the tech cage that's only meant as half a joke, lands as a joke.

Jay doesn't pick up on Mouse flirting with him because it's teasing, it's a decade of friendship, it's jokes that he's been privy to for years. Why is that going to change just because they're working together again? They're still best friends, Jay just got out of a relationship like an hour ago, and Mouse is a flirt outside of all of that. All Jay sees is Mouse being Mouse, which is what Mouse intends for him to see.

Even if someone was to sit Jay down and be like, hey, Mouse is fully head over heels in love with you, he would probably brush it off, because what information is that based on? Mouse being a flirt? Mouse looking to him during something stressful? Mouse hanging out in his space and sitting on his desk? That's just Mouse. That's just how they've acted forever, and it doesn't necessarily mean anything.

It's almost to the point that Mouse himself could say it to Jay's face and he'd still be like "that's funny, let's go out for drinks." I think they're hopeless but I love them anyway. They're doing their best, even if it's messy.

Although the angst that would happen if Jay knew all of the details about why Mouse acts the way he does and what it means? I would eat that up. I'll take nine, actually. Especially working in my headcanon that part of the reason Mouse left was because watching Jay be happy with someone else hurt to much (which they don't say in canon, because that would involve confirming that Mouse is queer and they won't do that, but the timing of him deciding to reenlist the episode after Jay and Erin decide to move in together? *chef's kiss* lovely angst my absolute favorite)

this is why I write AUs where their communication is a little better

As for the drugs, there are a few mentions of Mouse's addiction and drug use throughout the show. Four that I can list off the top of my head, but I'm probably missing some.

The first one is during his very first appearance in the show. It's not said outright (because why would CPD ever give Mouse any development, especially in his very first scenes) but it's kind of implied that he's high the entire s1 finale. We meet him as Jay's informant, a contact within the criminal community of Chicago, and Jay and Adam use his connections to plan an undercover meeting with someone to get information for a case, which isn't relevant really, I just think the scene is funny because they were immediately identified as cops.

The second time is the comment about nitrous in college, in season 3. yes that's the tiny shirt that isn't his. Which is so minor compared to the painkillers we know he got hooked on later. I just love the little detail that Mouse was, presumably, a party boy in college (they do also kind of imply in another s3 episode that he smokes/smoked weed, which tracks. one day I will write college era party boy Mouse because it just sounds chaotic and fun)

But that scene was very light hearted. Jay was joking around with him, sitting on his desk, letting the topic change immediately after that because it's not a big deal. Mouse is fine, and sitting right there next to him, and in one piece, and all of that is in the past. And then we look at the next couple times that Mouse's drug use is brought up.

The third and fourth time are both in season 4, in 4x02 and 4x05.

The little mention in 4x02 is kind of throwaway, in the grand scheme of things? But it starts with the discussion of Mouse wanting to reenlist, and it's this very brief talking point for why Jay doesn't want him to and doesn't think it's a good idea:

"Do you forget what it did to you? Depression? Can't sleep at night? You want that? You want to be- you want to be calling me at three in the morning? You can't sleep, you're popping pills?"

It kind of establishes what we already knew - that Mouse did drugs and got hooked on them, which led to the version of him that we saw in season one - and gives us just a little bit of backstory as to how, exactly, he got to that point. That conversation is kind of meant to set up what we see in 4x05 (which I don't think I've written a public meta about yet), when Mouse has just had his fight with Voight and is worked up and talking to Jay in the breakroom because it's private enough that he can cool down after that, and he can kind of blow off steam and Jay can talk him off of some angry ledge.

M: "You know, maybe Voight's right. Maybe I just need to clear out of here." J: "What are you gonna do with your felony record? You gonna go back to boosting stereos?" M: "That guy on the board? That could have been me when I came back here - high, doing something stupid and dangerous." J: "Greg, that is not you. That's not you now." M: "I am telling you, Jay, if I lose my job because of some bender or whatever, I'm looking at Tyler, and that could have been me. It still could be me."

For reference, Tyler is a character in 4x05 who we only see on the evidence board because his body is the one at the crime scene at the beginning of the episode. He died after getting caught up in running drugs to make money.

So, Jay has this conversation with Mouse where he is outright told drugs could still be the thing that kills me and it's... a lot. He's reasonably very concerned about this. And the way Jay sees it, Mouse reenlisting and essentially retraumatizing himself will trigger the same things that it did the first time - Mouse will go back to the pills, and anything stronger, and potentially relapse and spiral and end up in the same position he was in the first time we saw him way back in s1.

and he's probably right but my rant about why the way Mouse was written out of the show was bad is a different essay

[missnight0wl]

Year 7 Chapter 45

The only thing I like about this chapter is the "You can't be nice" option and the conversation after that. I love JC for that. But the way Jacob switched up so fast is suspicious (so is his whole character...) Like alright, him being civil to get answers makes some sense. But him staying with Peregrine to talk after MC left? Last time he wouldn't even wait for MC bc he hated their father sooo much. Come on, JC. You can do better than that.

Year 7 Chapter 44

I don't understand Olivia's character. At all. But she said she wanted to be friends with her students, right? Then what's with Dumbledore saying "Professor Green, have you brought more students in need of discipline?"? She's been there for like a week.

These probably aren't big things, but still. Anyway, have a good day!

I read your message before reading the new dialogues, and I was expecting the “You can't be nice” part to be about Merula. But Jacob is alright too. I wouldn’t necessarily say I “love” it, but I agree it’s nice to have this option. And the story we learn in this conversation is quite interesting.

I don’t know if that’s just me, but I feel like since Shiratori’s trial, we hear more and more about the past relationship between the siblings not being so ideal – and I wonder what’s the reason. I mean, I know I’m biased here because I identify “past Jacob” with my own Jacob, but… I just don’t see that “past Jacob” locking their sibling in the cupboard, for example. Or in the recent chapter, Jacob said that he was jealous when MC was born. They both were blaming each other for being horrible as kids. Nothing of it is alarming or anything, but still – it doesn’t feel right to me.

Admittedly, MC’s picture of Jacob when he was missing was surely idealised a bit, so it might explain why they never talked about such stories. And people like Madam Rosmerta (who once called Jacob “quiet” and “sweet”) didn’t know what he was like at home, so there’s also that, I guess.

Back to your message, though. I agree that it’s quite suspicious how easily Peregrine wins Jacob over. But as I keep saying, I’m fully expecting to be betrayed by Jacob, one way or the other, so… I can’t say I’m surprised. I don’t understand what exactly Jam City is doing anymore, but… Do not trust the Fugly Slut.

Finally, I have to agree with you about Olivia as well. I’m kind of confused by her character, and frankly, I don’t really like her. It’s not that I dislike her, but I dunno. Maybe it’s because her whole plotline is a total mess. The idea with the memories seemed promising at first, but once again, I don’t think Jam City actually knows what they’re doing. The only way I see it could work is if those memories can clear Rakepick’s name. Because otherwise, why would Rakepick keep them? Although it’s ridiculous either way that the vials are still at Rakepick’s old office, somehow. Oh, and Rakepick didn’t mention in Azkaban that the box she wanted is at Hogwarts. But who cares, right? It’s too hard to check what you wrote a couple of chapters earlier.

And it’s a very good point about the situation with Dumbledore! Seriously, how many students “needing discipline” did she manage to bring already? No, you’re right that it’s weird. And by the way, I find it rather odd that Dumbledore addresses her: “Professor Green”. I mean, this one is probably way less important than your remark, but still. Isn’t he actually known for calling everyone by their first name once he talks to them? And he’d use “Professor Lastname” only when talking about them to the students? Eh.

Anyway, I hope you’re having a great weekend! :)

[alltimefail]

Depression is strange.

I don't have a more eloquent way of putting it, although I wish I did. If I take the time to think about it, I can't recall a time where I didn't feel some degree of sadness. I guess I've just been a little sad my entire life. It's hard for me to imagine a sadness that is temporary or one that does not permeate all facets of existence. It's hard for me to imagine that there are people who do not feel this way, who do not understand what I'm talking about, who go about their days only feeling sadness when the situation calls for it.

There usually isn't a discernible cause to my own sadness, if I'm being completely honest with myself. I think that would be really nice - knowing where the sadness is coming from, what might be bringing it on, so that I could remove that trigger from my life or at the very least learn ways to cope with it. More than often, however, my sadness is just kind of an underlying but consistent ache. My sadness is a particularly gnarly bruise under the skin that will not heal. The ache has "good" days (the pain being present but manageable) and the ache also has bad days (severe pain, debilitating, feels like I'm gasping for air from the moment I wake up). It never goes away entirely and worst of all, the "good" days are more like dormant days. "Good" days are spent waiting around - it's hard to enjoy them fully when you still feel a passive sadness that at any moment could become all consuming without so much as a warning.

I have a lot more bad days in the spring and summer. My therapist says that is unusual, but not unheard of. I miss the cold of winter, I miss the leaves of fall. I hate this time of year. Today was hard, but the last few weeks have been hard. I feel like I say that a lot - maybe life is just really hard. Is that melodramatic? I don't mean it to be. Earnestly, I don't know why I struggle so much to want to be here. We're back to my original point - Depression is strange. I am tired, but I want to write these thoughts. I need to speak them into the world as I feel them because maybe then I will be able to make sense of them. Or, even if I can't make sense of them, I at least want to vent and grapple with the unfortunate fact that I have always thought we have made this whole "being alive" thing far more challenging than it needs to be. This isn't a new sentiment, I'm far from the first person to say it, but we have made existence a cruel thing.

I know, I know that there is beauty in this world! I know there is kindness in people! The sentiment tastes bitter! It's hard to enjoy the beauty, to escape in it, to fully appreciate it, when it is so quickly pulled out from under you. I wonder what a "good" day is really, to someone whose good days do not come with a catch? But I also hate feeling this way - I bear witness to gentleness that has brought tears to my eyes. I'm not trying to be a cynic, and I know there are people who find me unbearable to be around. I told my loved ones - just over a year ago now - that I am a corpse they are just dragging around. My mom has always told me to stop thinking like this. People tell me to reframe the way I think and try to focus on the good, but are they just able to do that all the time? Are there people who feel "good" by default? If they are, I think their advice - try not to be anxious, focus on the positives, try not to care so much - is a bit silly, as if I chose to be like this, as if they made some choice along the way that kept them from being like me. Maybe they did - I wouldn't know. Knowing what I know, I don't think anyone would chose to be sad all the time, to hate themselves a little bit (sometimes a lot), to be riddled with regret, to struggle to "just reach out" when they feel the hands pulling them down again. I have an unanswered message from my closest childhood friend in my inbox right now that I can't bring myself to answer - I'm not sure why, but I feel guilty nonetheless. I never want to lose her, but something in me says it's been too long and she is probably better off without a corpse to drag along.

I was 7 years old the first time I asked my mom if we might be in the big capital-h-double-hockey sticks (Hell). I didn't grow up religious, although everyone around me had a whole lot to say about God. I wondered what could be worse than a supposedly "free will" existence where we are powerless to suffering, war, famine, disease, even our own mind? I know she did her best to understand, but I think about the look she gave me often. At the time it was new, but I would come to be familiar with it over the years - I have been on the receiving end of that kind of look my whole life now. Pained confusion, I call it: when a person so badly wants to understand but they can't because while they love you and they do feel pain like everyone does, they do not live in pain. They have reprieve from the ache. They don't think of impending doom at snack time and in-between classes; they do not choke out cheers for their favorite with a painful realization that this could be the first and last time they get to do this. They do not wake up every day hoping that they will not want to die today. They do not wake up on "good" days with lingering guilt from the "bad" days. They do not feel a call to die, they do not fear that one day they will answer that call. It's not funny, but it kind of is in a twisted sort of way: I have never truly wished to die, I fear it actually, and I think that's the anxiety part of me that I worries so much about death - but a part of me will always think about it, yearn for it even. Is it a long sleep? Does it feel like a moment of quiet that lasts forever, an exhale, a loss of the burdens that only existing can bring? Is death a breeze between the trees, warm raindrops on skin, rippling creek water, the tide returning from where it once came? Will I be sent to eternal suffering? Will some divine being have mercy for thrusting me into its world with a weak mind and weaker heart? Will I get to try again? Will I find my loved ones in the next life, in heaven, in the breeze, just to tell them how sorry I am?

I have watched death, natural and painless death, death of 80-year-olds who have lived long lives, absolutely destroy people. I never thought I would live this long; 27 years! I thought I would leave my childhood home and, in turn, be able to leave the guilt-inducing visual reminders that came with embracing the call for death. I just didn't want my loved ones to find me, to have to tidy the room of a dead girl, to wonder what they did wrong. I didn't want my mortality to hang like a heavy cloud over every beautiful moment to come - an "I wish she were still with us" at weddings, prom nights, holidays, so on. I didn't want to ruin my dad's second marriage and new family that he made when he left us, I didn't want to break my mom's heart more than it already was, I didn't want my little siblings to feel the ache like I did, I needed to care for them and stay around for them. But I thought maybe if I went away, if I isolated myself, if I did it in a far away place it would be easier for them. They could remember me as I was. Depression bargains with your mind in this way, it disregards logic. Depression is strange.

So I did go away, I did isolate, but *spoiler* I didn't die and I didn't die and I didn't die and so on. I have my own family now that I love desperately. I have a child and a husband. I heard somewhere that many people who attempt suicide and fail or have second thoughts never do it again which is wonderful; I wish that was true for every person. I wish that no one knew unyielding mental ache. As for me, I have never been so lucky. (I remember when I was really young, like 4 or 5, my dad would say he was cursed with unluckiness - that if there was a God, that god had it out for him. Perhaps I got the shitty odds from him. I wouldn't know, we don't talk much any more). But despite coming close to the edge, despite the fear of falling, despite surviving that fall on more than one occasion, I've always been stubborn and the ache remains unchanged: I feel so much pain that some days - bad days, like today - I am only staying alive so as not to hurt my child and my husband in the long run. I'm not 15 any more but it's the same battle as before, just different physical circumstances I suppose.

The ache does not go away. I have so much to be joyful for. This sadness is deep in my bones. I love my child more than I have ever loved anything in my life. I will bury my darkness so they only ever feel warmth, feel light from me, even if it is painful. The thought of leaving my child makes me sick. I lay awake most nights and believe that this world does not need me, that I am a burden on everyone who has ever known me. I feel guilt for every poor decision I've ever made and that keeps me up at night, too. I believe there is so much good in the world. I'm so terribly sorry, I wish everyone I've ever hurt, even those I hurt when I was young and immature and still learning, knows that. I love so many people with the entirety of my soul. I wish I could cry this deep sadness out of my system but it is bottomless. I believe there must be meaning and intention in all things. I am furious at the idea of god. I believe there is a god who is loving. I ask god why this world is what it is and I hear nothing. I scream and I hope no one hears me - I believe no one does. All I hear is screams. It's all true, it all exists at the same time. "I am half a soul divided." Depression is strange.

I ponder the "What ifs" often. As it turns out, that's really not great for a person like me to do. But I'm shoulder-deep in the "What ifs" today. I'm also quite tired - a heavy tired that tugs at my eyelids while I'm sitting fully straight up. My soul is in a really weird place at the moment. I'm sad that anyone has loved me. I imagine it's all connected.

I don't think I have much more to say; I have little motivation to do anything, which is why I started typing this in the first place. I keep myself physically busy to ignore the thoughts, to ignore the ache. Click click click, replay that song, the louder the better.

I don't want to forget the moments that I feel this way. Depression is strange, and when things are going a little too good for a little too long, I hope that by posting this and looking back on these moments it might make the fall from grace hurt a little less. I am woefully human, I will take happiness for granted, I will fly to close to the sun, I will feel the ache again, but I will also live. I will read this when I am sad, and I will be sad again - probably sooner than later, but I will know that I have lived to look back, to reflect, to mourn and that will be enough to do it all over again. It's almost clinical to wash the filth off my hands that came from digging through the recesses of my mind day in and day out just to enter that place again, sterile lighting shining on my worst moments as I cradle the sadness in my arms and give it a place to cry. I try and try and try and try and try again, over and over, to go into a new day knowing that at best I will be a little sad, and at worst I will want to die (and hate myself for it).

The "good" days, what I can get of them, are worth it. I choose to believe that. What other option do I have?

Depression is strange. I persist.

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

hello! im not usually active on here (i use twitter more) but i stumbled on your asks while scrolling through my feed and after reading some, i realized that we have the same stance on chapter two. when it was announced that each member would be releasing their own solo album, i was super excited. ive loved everything each member has put out before including collabs and their songs on soundcloud so, of course, i was excited to see what this chapter had to bring! looking back, i have no idea how my feelings abt this changed so much.

it was definitely after face that i started to get a bit tired with all the releases but i still streamed and kept up with all the content because i truly do love all their solo works and wanna give all seven members my full support. i was definitely a bit overstimulated with how much individual content we were getting, which could be why i started to feel these things, but ive always shown my support.

although im vmin biased and adore the layover album with my whole heart, i definitely think layover era was definitely my breaking point. twitter has become so insufferable and has just created a space so negative that its hard to even enjoy anything. i was so excited for layover but everytime i would go on twitter, solo stans would be tweeting nonsense and comparing numbers and its just all too much. this has been a problem ever since chapter two started but i never saw how bad it was until now and its honestly heartbreaking. i miss when there was no division between the members and everyone was supported equally among the fandom. ive spent a lot of time on twitter and would just block solo stans and call it a day but its come to the point where its impossible to just block and ignore bc theres way too many! chapter two has definitely fueled their narratives and given them more confidence for some reason but i truly hope theyre gone when 2025 comes around.

even some fans have started acting like solo stans but hide behind the fact that theyre heavily biased. theres clearly a difference in how armys treat the members and it definitely shows more with how they treated each solo release which is just disappointing. i understand people have different music tastes but would it hurt to act excited for a member that you supposedly love?

ive never noticed this before but this chapter definitely showed some armys true colors. this chapter also did an amazing job of fueling solo stans and their narrative that their favorite could go solo and leave bts behind, which is completely untrue and none of the members would actually want that. because of this, twitter has become such an uncomfortable space and has definitely made me less excited abt future solo works which ive never thought would happen since i love new bts music.

im definitely gonna take a break from twitter until jin comes back but for now, i really do wish i was able to enjoy chapter two without such negative feelings. i was truly very excited but looking back, i see how rushed everything was and although im glad each member was able to shine in their own way and explore with different genres, sometimes i wish this chapter took a different approach or just never happened. im hoping this feeling goes away when bts are fully seven again but i dont know. i just felt the need to let that out since ive been feeling this way for so long that i started to feel guilty bc ive never had such negative feelings towards bts before.

and of course, this is no hate to bts! i love my boys and have gone all out for all solo releases. im more just ranting abt army twitter and how they kinda ruined this experience for me which isnt the boys faults at all.

Your feelings are valid! You don't need to feel only positive things about people you love. Think about the people you love most that you know personally. Have you never been disappointed in them, with or without reason? Have you never been irritated by them, irrationally or righteously? Have you never wanted distance from them, because you wanted space or because you were upset with them? People only have these kind of unrealistic expectations about love when it comes to their favorite celebrity. Having mixed feelings about people you're close to, or even love, is just life.

Fandom is a large part of being Army - I mean, it's right there in the name -, of course bad fandom experiences can "turn you off" from the group. Before this blog actually started to resonate with some people, I wanted to delete it and hated myself every time I posted because I felt that all I did was spread hate - even when it was more political and not really about BTS themselves. I felt so alone and it was hard being a fan. Then, because of my Jikook and Jungkook posts, more people started following me and interacting with me - for example, sending me asks like this - and everything changed. Now I know that if I don't like something, I can share it, and someone will most likely feel the same way. It makes a world of difference...

I don't think I was ever that excited about chapter 2 tbh. And, unlike you, I definitely was disappointed by most releases. Most of it grew on me over time though, and I genuinely appreciate everything BTS has accomplished in chapter 2. I had so many mixed feelings about Jungkook, and still regularly get annoyed and disappointed, but when I see everything he's been able to achieve... like having the fourth most streamed song on Spotify this year??? With 3 months of tracking? Being the first Asian act ever in the top 5?? That's crazy. His music is so loved, and he's done so many cool things... I wouldn't trade solo era for anything. I really believe they needed this. There was always so much talk about BTS having no individual branding, and everyone wondered how well they would do solo - I'm sure BTS themselves had these thoughts about how they'd manage on their own - and now we/they know. They did great!

Obviously, chapter 2 made solos worse and fueled petty competition between the members, but I don't think it was that bad? These issues have always existed in the fandom and I don't believe chapter 2 made things that much worse. I still see so much support for OT7...

Honestly, I'm OT7 but I love Jungkook way more than the other members... I only streamed for Jungkook because otherwise I didn't have the motivation to stream songs I didn't want to listen to that many times. I think it's impossible to expect everyone to have the same energy towards every member. I listened to every song and album in chapter 2, and watched most of the performances, but with so much content, I couldn't be bothered to keep up with most of it. I have, like, 10 Jungkook lives as well as radio interviews and other videos of Jungkook to watch still.

Another point, I think it's easy to get caught up in fandom battles. I found myself pitting JK against Jimin, for example, because I saw so much of it and maybe I'm naturally competitive? You just get sucked into the bullshit as well. Even if you're not a crazy toxic fan, Twitter can change you.

Sadly, solos will still be around in 2025, and a lot of them will still be crying out over mistreatment and other bullshit. Now the members have "legitimate" solo stans too - ie. people who became fans during solo era and didn't bother checking out, or liked, the other members.

There was definitely so much content that it was overwhelming, but that's BTS tbh. I've just been a fan since 2019, but I was only not overwhelmed with content in, maybe, 2022?

This post kinda got away from me, but, yeah, take a break from Twitter, don't feel bad for feeling tired and overwhelmed with all the content (what Army isn't tbh), and my ask box is open anytime you want to vent!

Thanks for the ask!