#am I even breathing anymore
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It's always, like, mildly annoying when people see a het trans couple and go "all that work just to be straight?" like... one, you don't know if they're straight and two, trans people don't owe you a queer sexuality to "make up" for the fact we're trans. Transhet people aren't a subtype of trans people, they're members of the trans community, and the queer one if they so desire!
#trans#transgender#lgbt#lgbtq#ftm#mtf#nonbinary#and i don't really vibe with the word microaggression but it's very that#like it just comes across like people think trans folks owe them queerness and cabaret preformances y'know?#and we cannot *be* if it means the way we are being isn't this carefully curated version people have of transness + queerness#and it can kind of warp your desires and understanding of yourself because you *want* community and to be seen and to be allowed to just be#this isn't universal and the 'you' is impersonal. i am aware this is a broad range of experiences and not everybody can/does relate#my overall point is that it's probably not the best move to act like this toward trans people#maybe i read too much into this but it's just something i have seen over and over and over and over . . . again#shoutout to the real ones (heterosexual and/or straight trans people or people in straight-presenting relationships 👍)#back to playing the lelda of zelda (is it bad that i don't even call her zelda anymore i just go 'THERES LELDA!!!')#it sounds wrong to call her zelda now 😭#the LEG OF ZEG. SWORD SKORD???? BREATH OF THE WEATH!! -my brain 24/7/365
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isn’t it such a gut-wrenching feeling to know the people you no longer have contact with – those people who only started out as strangers, but now they’re strangers all over again – actively look at the same moon.
#we’re alive at the same time - so how am i dead to you?#we don’t even talk anymore yet we still share some things#we look at the same sky we breathe the same air#i wonder if they think the way i do#i wonder if they wonder daily#or perhaps i do not exist as a thought at all#issa nattie thing
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Ok. I have listened to the people. I have watched the thing. It is very wholesome.
Kazu comes home. He is hopeless and tipsy. And he swings between excited and wasted.
#I am SICK of Miri’s voice ngl#I know kids are loud. And make a mess of EVERYthing. That’s why i stay away.#But for Kazurei ; I made it to the end#They are precious#Rei is so cute I love this guy#He has 0 human skill and still is effortlessly hilarious and a little cutie 👏💖#i wish we had more of their relationship bc they have sth really special#They never question their trust in each other like it never crosses their mind. They disagree almost all the time but they never part#It’s more natural than breathing. They’re always saying stuff like « it’s not fit to involve other people in our way of life »#it’s not even an option to live apart. They clearly will spend all their lives together#Except that scene it’s so weird when Kazu says « hum with Miri gone we don’t have a reason to live together anymore » lol man#Not as if you guys were already joined at the hip before meeting her. But I get the «the family life changed us now sth’s missing#and it feels incomplete ». But still guys. You are soul mates.#Also the « of course he comes with me. He’s my partner. » line 💕💍#even if at some point they meant to part ways ; really they can’t be separated.#kazurei#No homo daddies#Buddy daddies#kazuki x rei#Domestic gays
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hey this isn’t aimed at anyone in particular but I’m saying it for the record here: if I tell you no, please stop messaging me about fundraisers and mutual aid.
I get enough messages that it’s impossible for me to keep up without devoting at least half an hour each day, when I’m not even on tumblr that long most days. Me having a boundary about this isn’t a moral failing, it’s a lifeboat for me on my own blog.
In my personal life I’m already advocating and donating literally as much as I can spare. This is not me not caring, it’s just me not willing to interact with that on the one place I go online to not interact with irl news and world events for the most part.
I cannot be upset all the time. I cannot be upset everywhere. I cannot use all my emotional and mental energy fielding my own upset from ongoing events. My options are to hold boundaries about this or stop coming online at all.
I’m all for sharing information and signal boosting to reasonable extents, but the scale of it this year is so large and so enduring that it is literally not possible to for me to participate on every account I have. I’ve previously shared links to Gaza eSIM donations and a major hub of verified Go Fund Mes here and elsewhere online. We, the online humans, know how to look those things up ourselves by now. There are many, many people choosing to do advocacy work, and right now, I can’t be one of them.
If you’re extremely upset when I tell you I can’t share/donate right now about a Gaza family or personal fundraiser you ask me to share here, just unfollow and block me. That’s what those buttons are for. Protect your own emotions and energy and get me off your feed instead of staying upset and continuing to engage with online people or content that upsets you.
Please don’t send repeated angry messages based on manufactured purity politics and moral outrage into my messages and inbox when I exercise the right to run my own blog.
#and on that note#I also think some people need to sit down and ask themselves#if their old end times anxieties and fears and preparations and word spreading#haven’t filtered straight into a new non religious end of society and end of modern world order anxiety that they’re pushing on other peopl#even if it is the end times#you cannot change that by beating your own anxieties into other people’s heads#people can care MORE when they are GIVEN ROOM TO BREATHE#first rule of sustainable activism is you can’t do it constantly and you can’t push it on people constantly#you have to pace it and you have have have have HAVE to play long games#short term activism burns you out and if it leads to full despair from burnout it can get you killed via depression#it’s not a joke#there’s a reason your elders have books and community lore about healthy activism even in times of crisis#they lived it. they learned from it. learn from them.#spend your time doing things that can make real impacts.#do little things online but unless you’re an actual information hub you shouldn’t be posting constantly about it#people won’t even want to follow you anymore eventually because that’s not why they followed you#and then you have no audience for your important message anyway.#I know this. I learned it myself on other accounts.#please. stop. harassing me.#how is harassing me going to make me MORE willing to change my mind and post? just because you demanded it?#I am an autonomous person#this is my ONE curated space on the website#you have a multitude of tags and other users#don’t waste energy on a person who already told you no. let’s call that activism rule number two#spend your energy where it’s not likely to be wasted#you’re needed for a long haul#act like it 😭#and stop spamming me 😭#hey little star whatcha gonna queue?
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People jumping ship cause of the new masks is very ahhhh. Telling. Tbh.
#very much so#tell me you where only here cause of the looks without telling me your only here cause of the looks#listen. I miss the old masks already too. that’s not the point.#you can mourn for something without that taking away your joy for it.#‘it’s all moving so fast’ iii has been turning red since July.#‘they’re evolving too fast’ or we just got here later then others.#‘I can’t even listen anymore’ sucks to be you. the music that has been put out hasn’t changed so I don’t understand this one#‘they’re gonna get cancelled over this’ ok. I guess this is just thinning out the people who were real fans and who where fake fans#I’m gonna be a sleep token fan til the end. if this is the way they want their image to go? I’ll follow. if we get heavier music next?#sounds fucking amazing to me. (I listen to heavier stuff anyway).#idk I just think it’s so so so fucking telling. that if your jumping ship cause their Live Performance Aesthetic has changed… you didn’t#mean it when you said sleep token was important to you.#like I’m 100% MOURNING the old masks. I am BMO with Finn’s old hair sobbing about the old masks.#but I know this too shall pass#this is how I fucking felt about Vessel’s mask change#and to everyone going ‘what about Vessel and the Chior!’#1). VESSEL HAD A MASK CHANGE EARLIER THIS YEAR!!! he isn’t gonna change masks again so fast those fuckers r expensive!#2). the choir did have a change?? they wherent wearing robes at all and where in body chains they looked amazing#I get we are all neurodiverse and hate change but take a deep breath before you renounce all your sleep token love#I’m guessing Vessel will get a new mask in April again. for the kick off show.#tonight was a closing show. and he didn’t FEEL GOOD. I wouldn’t be surprised that if he was gonna do something with a new mask#if he pushed it back because he didn’t feel good.#he performed a whole show while we could TELL his throat was hurting. fuck.#I want to wrap him up in a warm hug and give him hot water with honey in it.#idk I’m rambling. it’s just telling.
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y'know what we don't talk about enough? Hazel died. We talk about how she grew up in the 30's and 40's and we talk about how out of place she feels in the modern world, but! She died! She was dead! She has spent more time dead than alive, and not by a close margin!
How does that effect a person??? We got some of it in the flashbacks, but once those caught up with her present timeline and she shared them, they just kind of... disappeared. And she was a regular girl with some weird past experiences. That's one way of doing it, sure!
I think it would have been a lot cooler if she was just a touch creepier. If she felt a little bit Wrong. Yeah, in general she's more approachable than her brother, she's more sociable and less closed off, but. If you actually spend any time with her, it can be difficult to tell which child of the underworld is actually more unsettling.
Hazel is bright of personality and has a dazzling smile, but sometimes she'll just... shut down. She'll go completely blank for like half an hour and nobody knows what to do with it. Sometimes she forgets she's alive. Sometimes she'll spout the grimmest shit you've ever heard like it's nothing, she won't even notice it's weird until the room goes quiet. She spent decades in Asphodel, which is designed to make people forget about themselves and wander around for eternity, only she didn't have the luxury of forgetting! Wild! After she comes back to life, sometimes she forgets that she's allowed to Do Stuff now. She can spend so long sitting and staring at nothing. Sometimes she'll start crying on cloudless days because it hits her again that she can actually feel the warmth of the sun on her skin and she can hear birdsong. Every little mundane experience is a blessing and she will make you remember that in the most foreboding way possible.
#hazel levesque#hoo#mj talks#like. i am fascinated with characters who die and come back different and it JUST hit me that there was so much potential for hazel there#the idea of how death lingers was not explored At All in heroes of olympus#of course there's the obvious part in that there were what. 3 named character deaths total? 4 if you count leo#which i very much don't because it didn't stick! there were no consequences to this gigantic war!#the first series did well with that because we had plenty of named characters who died#even though some of them were introduced only to die like six chapters later. we still knew them on some level#and more importantly percy knew them. he felt their loss in a way that made consequences seem real#heroes of olympus didn't have any of that. hazel could have been a great way to talk about it a little more!#also i just love characters who have obviously gone through death. that has to change a person! tell me how it changed you!#anyway. i think i'll make hazel creepier from now on in my writing#she deserves it <3#nico is creepy in an obvious way. he's got power over death and that clings to him like a second skin. he can't hide it#and he's learned that he doesn't have to. there is power in being othered#hazel seems lovely when you first meet her! none of the death power all of the glitter and gold and riches#and then she'll look you dead in the eye and say 'you really don't know how lucky you are to be able to breathe until you can't anymore'#and move on like it's nothing! what!#underworld siblings
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Knitting repeat 37 out of 40 on the lace shawl for my cousin’s wedding present
#knitting#lace knitting#lace rot#wip#knitblr#in the process of trying to remove the heavy breathing sounds (because my phone was basically in my mouth to get this angle)#i went through 5 different websites and 3 audio editors#all because my cellphone doesn't let me mute videos anymore even tho it used to let me.#tag before last should've said video editing programs instead of audio editors i am eepy#the pattern i'm knitting is free btw#bamboo wedding shawl by purl soho on ravelry#i just have to rewrite all my patterns out by hand to keep track of them repeat by repeat
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anybody else have a food they're allergic to but still eat anyway
#not DEATH deathly but like. allergic#im allergic to shrimp and guac but i still eat it ..#my throat will get itchy and swell and breathing feels more closed#wherever the food touches also swells in bumps but usually only wherever the food makes contact#but yall. it's so good#the food not the swelling lol i have to sip on water while i eat to help gauge the significance of the throat swelling#i can usually eat up to 2 or 3 big shrimps until i hit my ok.. one more and this will hurt me lots#ill probably still be able to breathe but like it'll be an even bigger struggle than it is now#i think im also allergic to this common italian herb thingy anise? but thats fine bcs i dont like it anyways#but grilled SEASONED shrimp is my weakness. i LOVE SHRIMP!!! add some buffalo sauce and my my my..#idk tho my friends hate when i eat shrimp and will moderate my moderation#'ted ure a medical man. u should be against this' i hungry#idk maybe i dhould cold cut endulging in my allergies now b4 it becomes a lifestyle#i remember when i was younger my boss order me chinese food for doing a Lot of open2closes#and i ordered shrimp and lo mein(iLOVEEEE LO MEINN!!! when i was lil i would get PLATEFULS of JUST lo mein)#(id remove the veggies bcs they got in the way of my noodles)#(but now im older and the texture is too much sameness so i get even amount of lo mein and some sorta meat for Balance)#and i ate like a bit then put the rest in the cooler and he was like 'ure not hungry?' and i told him im allergic#and his eyes got real big and he was shouted my full name like a worried parent#i mean i explained my eat 2 then wait for the swelling to die down and eat 2 more till the inability to breathe gets annoying#but he was still anxious and watching me like a hawk#so#maybe.. i shouldnt do this anymore#does anyone else do this if they have the ability to?#perhaps i am dancing with the devil here#the devil wears privilege
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i'm going to he so fucking insufferae about theatre btw. just started my job at the theatre, with which i'm already obsessed bc their plays and stuff are just plain brilliant i could go on rants for hours and boy am i gonna know these plays by heart once i've sat through one half a dozen times. AND i joined a theatre class at school. with four other people but. i'm so incredibly motivated. i NEED. anyway it's tumblr y'all know i regularly go full obsessed nerd on things i am a Freak when it comes to these things and BOY is it gonna be Bad with the theatre
#i hope they play shakespeare.......#i gotta write a paper in shakespeare this year anyway so like. thatd be perfect#ANY WAY THE CURRENT PLAY IS DO GOOD#ITS ALL GREY#LIKE LITERALLY THE ACTORS SKIN IS PAINTED IN SHADES OF GREY#THERE IS ZERO COLOUR#AND YOU FORGET AS U DO WITH B&W FILMS#AND THEN#AND THEN. RED MIST. THE INQUISITIR. GLOWING RED IN RED SPOTLIGHTS#U CANT EVEN SEE THE OTHER CHARACTERS ANYMORE#THE INQUISITOR IS SO PROMINENT IN RED THAT ALL GREY MELTS INTO MEANINGLESS BACKGROUND#THE VISUALS ARE SO GOOD I AM CHEWING ON DRYWALL#STUNNING#ALSO I LOVE THAT SCENE WHEN THAT GUY IS SHOT!! ITS SO GOOD!!!!!!!#AND THE ACTOR IS SUCH AN INCREDIBLE CORPSE??? LIKE LEGIT IF I DIDNT KNOW HR WAS ALIVE#I MEAN HES A FZCKIGN GREAT ACTOR THRU THE WHOLE PLAY BUT DAMNNNN#COULDNT SEE HIM BREATHE WHEN WAITING FOR IT. FOR TWENTY WHOLE MINUTES#ALSO JUST THE FACT THAT TEH CGARACTER REALISED HE WAS WRONG#AND GOES UP TO THE KING TO LIE AND TAKE THE BLAME SO HIS FRIEND HAS TIME TO FLEE#AND THE KING JUST. SHOOTS HIM JUST AS HE WANTS TO START HIS MONOLOGUE#THE TEO PEOPLE CRYING OVER THE CORPSE OF THE ONE SINGLE DECENT MAN IN THIS PLAY#(there is also once decent woman but the more i get the play the less convinced i am on her tbh. i support womens wrongs!! bht not the poin#here rn)#AND THEN ITS ALL FOR NOTHIN TOO!! HUS FRIEND WHOM HE DIED FOR WHO F I N A L L Y GOT TWO BRISNCELLS IS STILL GONNA DIE#ITS ALL SO FUTILE#ITS BEAUTIFUL#THE COLOUR CHOICES UGH#THE SCENE COMPOSITION#THE MUSIC#god the music. poor music guy tho. theres so many tricky parts they get wrong again and again
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#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking#they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly#keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time#bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy#but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point#bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be#proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is#yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol#and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao#and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel#i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks#why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls#and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others#but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on#ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives#so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok#ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down#i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal#like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve#i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that#i still feel depressed tho <3#idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to#i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk#im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol
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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.
#medical stuff cw#i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat#vent cw#i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay#i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated#my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition#so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells#because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly#terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle#i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer#but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first#so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane#also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia#now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine#so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved#because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe#at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months#however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?
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how i feel when i remember i can overdose and die any time i want
#if i still feel like relapsing this badly by sunday im just gonna do it lol whats even the fucking point anymore#imagine the person i couldve been if my life wasnt like this. i couldve been worth something. i couldve been valuable.#what a waste of fucking space and breath i am lol
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mille 0.0 u doing okie? should i call jjuni up and tell him to calm down ???
OH NO
#oh my fucking god i am literally IM LITERALLT GOING TO JAIL#FOR THIS MAN LJTERALTBEJJSHSHDNE#he needs#HE DID IT FOR ME#no no no HE DID IT FOR ME#oh my god#this man#god i NEED HIM LIKE#HIM DOING THIS#but likegehensns tied up but still teasing Ggshdnsbsna#SHIT IM LITERALLYGOIMG TO#i need like someone to knock me out rn#i am I AM GOJNG TO#can’t even bREATHE ANYMORE#no he had to have done it for me#shdjwmamsheiak
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one of my favorite things abt how faith reacts to max in fallbrook arc is her being directly faced with her own hypocrisy
#I am a faith apologist but also she's whack fr#like girl you haven't been honest about yourself or your past either 💅#she's very evasive when she's the topic of conversation#not that she outright lies but she avoids questions or answers as vaguely as possible#just because she kinda learned early in Edgewater the consequences of her trying to be truthful about her life#and how unglamorously people react#figured adopting the mysterious persona and isolating herself was her only option#because phineas was the only person she could talk to the only person who understood to some extent what she was going through#and to add to it..#her own history with violence and anger#and even tho she became a very numb quiet distant persom because of her own past#halcyon got it's hands on her and cut her deeply and awakened a certain fire in her for better or for worse#excluding how often she has to defend herself for a variety of reasons and how it makes her feel..#punching nelson (twice) + shooting hortense between the eyes + shooting tilda in the knee..#girl you're not exactly a great role model at having control over your violent tendencies either 💅#but there's something so raw abt her and max just.. knowing those feelings intimately.. and not wanting it for the other..#defending each other.. seeing the good in each other.. /knowing/ the good in each other..#understanding how messy and complicated they are and then understanding why and just ough bringing out the best in each other#reaching a point where they can breathe and heal and not be in such a spiraling pain anymore they can just be loved and be themselves#unapologetically. caged no longer. being harmed no longer. by others or by themselves. and taking it out on others no longer#anyway#what I'm saying is..#the call is coming from inside the house..#yes he had an entire revenge scheme and lied abt his intentions.. but like.. he's also holding a mirror up to her face#SORRY I just love thinking abt how complicated cap faith is lmao she's a very broken soul who is trying her best in an unfortunate situatio#the way she handles her own traumas and griefs just isn't pretty and that's a whole other can of worms she's constantly faced with#rambling#faith and max
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pussy can only be so wet, this is getting ridiculous
#like- what am i even supposed to do anymore?#breathe without medical intervention? be fk fr#LOOK at her#maki#MAAAKIII#how is my heart not melting through my ribs like molten glass#jjk spoilers#jjk manga spoilers#jjk
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if i read through my old notes or my old posts from like 3 years ago i’m like. who is that like that person is dead. who even am i anymore like i have lost all sense of self at this point
#honest to god too many pieces of me have died i don’t know who or what i am anymore.#like i can look back on it and be like oh i remember that but i can’t imagine being that person does that make sense#like my current living situation has taken too much from me i’ve had to just dissociate and be a shell of myself just to protect myself#and i think that even if i ever get out of here idk if i can get those parts of me back and that scares me so much like#i don’t want to be stuck like this forever even though i know j most likely will#like i’ve lost every last ounce of hope i ever had by living here i’ve lost everything i’m so jaded now there’s just#nothing anyone can say to me anymore like there’s no amount of inspirational or hopeful like idk messages or meditations or#whatever literally anything i see shit like that and i’m like hm that’s nice but not for me. like i’m just dead set on things never getting#better ever again and i truly believe they wont and i know it’s a protection method like i know i’m just saving myself from getting my#hopes up and crushed and up and down and it’s just happened too many times that i’ve truly in every sense given up#like i’m just resigned to it all bc there’s nothing i can do about anything anyway and i’m not trying to be like oh poor me#like there just truly is nothing i can do my entire life is a rock and a hard place and it just fucking sucks that’s it#i just feel like i’m drowning all the time and just constantly treading water but i can’t ever breathe if u know what i mean
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