#am i ashamed about that? you betcha

[bluedream-echoes]

Self-Refusal Is Self-Protection (Only For So Long)

[beastenraged]

striking hot iron

( Ruse POV of Cold Iron after so long! AHHH. @hallowed-nebulae )

I am not sitting in a chair. Not in a medical room. Not here, in Radiant Garden’s castle, all whole and unbroken and lacking the shadows it should have. 

Should have, would have. This is the past and everything is supposed to be like this, even with another person interfering in ‘canon.’ It’s...weird. That’s all. Weird and strange that everything looks like this, so much brighter and how I don’t have to worry about getting ambushed by Heartless if I wander out too far. 

This world is...well, not safe. Nowhere’s perfectly safe, especially not a world that’s also different from the one I know in ways I can’t predict. But safer, that’s possible. 

There’s an Even here and I flinched when I saw him. Stupid of me, I know. He’s not the same as the Vexen in my home world. Hasn’t made a million choices to tear people apart for science. But my body still reacts as if he is. 

Stupid body. So dumb. I hate it. That, and the thing I have about fire now. Really annoying. You know, I used to like fire? No one can tell now, by the way my entire body freaks out at the sight of even a spark. Gross. 

Gotta convince Xion that I’m okay, though. That I don’t need to see any doctors here or anything like that. No need to add more trauma, amiright? 

“I’m fine, Xion.”

“No you’re not, Ruse! You’re hurting and the machines here aren’t broken. You need this checkup.” If there was a table to slam her hands down on, I betcha Xion would be doing that. 

“I don’t need anything! I’m not broken, I’m fine!” 

(I have to be.)

“You’re not fine!” Her voice breaks on the last word, and she withdraws into herself. Wrapping her arms around her shoulders, eyes full of...tears. No no no. She can’t be crying! No no!

I wave my hands frantically at her. She just cries harder, a soundless broken thing, until I lower my hands in defeat. Looks like there’s only one way to fix this.

I sigh. “...fine.”

Xion cheers up so quickly at my acquiesce, I half-wonder if she was faking the emotions. I know for a fact she wasn’t, but...still. Fast turnaround. 

Barely resist slamming the door as I walk out on her. Time for the dumb check-up. As soon as possible. Get this done.

People sitting outside and waiting. Ven and Vanitas and...

Oh. Terra’s here. Look, I know rationally that he’s not the Terra I’ve met before, anymore than the Even of this worldline is the same Vexen. My feelings always say differently. Because in part, he’s the same as the other Terra, isn’t he? 

He’s always the type to refuse to fight someone because they look like a kid, ignorant of what worse fate he dooms his opponent to as he has the audacity to win anyway. A reminder of how weak I really am, compared to any Keyblade wielder. 

But don’t take it out on him. Don’t you dare do that. Calm. 

He knows that I don’t like enough already. No need to make it worse. No need to show my dislike for everyone to see. 

Stick to business. 

“I’m not going to get a checkup unless your Vexen does it.” The man is the best at what he does, after all. I want the best if only to get this done as fast as possible. To assure Xion that it’s been done correctly too. 

Terra quite visibly hesitates before he speaks. Nervous about setting me off, probably. Part of me inwardly preens at the thought of being a threat to Terra. The rest of me is ashamed of losing control so easily that the man thinks he has to watch his words around me.  

“I thought you didn’t like Even? I can ask and see that that gets done.”

I smile. Cold and a slit across my face. A snake’s close-mouthed smile. “I’d rather keep my interactions to people I at least somewhat know.”

No need to bring in more people to freak me out. I’m still embarrassed about what happened with Marluxia and Axel earlier, though I’ll never tell these people that. Nah, best to keep that shame to myself. 

Pale thin hands reach out. Ven, gesturing for my own hands. I give them to him. His hands feel cold to touch, wrapped around my fingers and palms. Not as cold as the ice I wield, but cold enough. Ven is a he/it/them all at the once at the touch, and the memories come. 

I get-

I get-

Cold rooms that shake with fear and pain. Every so often (more often than not), there are whimpers and wails. Screams of hurt animals. 

(Or people. Animals and people in pain sound much the same.)

Needles that are too much for tender skin, thin veins. Jabbed in without care for the one on the other side of it. It stings and there is too much blood lost. 

(Asleep more than awake. Not that really stops the pain.)

White coats, careless hands that touch and touch and touch without heed for the pain those touches cause. Pulling flesh apart like taffy, but also not because that’s just in your imagination, isn’t it-

Dying, your heart shuddering to stop over and over, but chemicals in your bloodstream refuse to give you up. Dying but death never sticking. 

Glasses gleam, curious about this apparent immortality. More pain, more exposure of your guts, more blood. 

(Always more blood.)

A man in red-

I blink and it is over, as quickly as I received the vision in the first place. Like nothing ever happened in the first place, which Ven seems to be pretending to be the truth. 

There’s a hundred and one things I want to ask. To shout, for the world to hear. When that has been done to you, Ven, how can you still pretend that everything's the same? That nothing is wrong? How? 

Because what happened to Ven, that’s bad. So much worse than what Vexen did to me, but I have no doubt that Vexen would have done similar in Castle Oblivion if I hadn’t been able to get away. Hadn’t shredded my own Heart in escaping. 

Ven had never had a chance in the first place, to even try running. 

I know what it’s like to be scared. It’s okay. He sends to me. For once, only words. Not feelings, not images. Only words. Seemingly untainted by any kind of emotion. But I know better, don’t I?

My teeth dig into my tongue, tasting blood. Keeping my words from falling out in return. 

No. It’s not okay. Not what happened to you. It will never be okay, Ven. We can both be scared, but what happened to you...I will not let that happen. Not again. Not ever again. 

(Good thing that Hojo’s already dead, from what I can tell, in flashy glimpses. Stolen as my mind pressed to Ven’s. Lucky for Hojo.)

Speak of one of my personal devils, opening up a door off to the side. There’s Even and I just barely manage to not flinch, because he doesn’t sound the same as the Vexen I know. Not quite. Close but different, less extended. Less life lived, perhaps? Less shitty choices made, for sure. 

“Everything is ready,” he says smoothly. “You may all come in.”

Sliding in, I push the newly gifted memories to the back of my mind. They aren’t necessary here, and I have a gut feeling that Ven didn’t intend to give me so much. How private that is...

Wait. When did Kairi get here? Um, I guess I forgot she existed. Not a good look on me, she already gets more than enough for that from canon. Heh, my bad?

There’s an interesting machine in the room we file into. I watch it carefully, but it doesn’t seem the sort to demand blood or skin to function. Of course, I’m definitely going to have to give up blood later, it’s how these things work. But not yet, apparently. 

The machine gives a little hum as it scans Ven’s Heart. Beeping as we all get some lovely results that to be honest, kind of freak me out. 

How do you exist with a third of a Heart? That seems...impossible. But also, very Kingdom Hearts of Ven, good job pulling off an impossible existence. Much better than I have so far, anyway. 

(I bet it hurts, to live like that. It is for me.)

Vanitas is more of what I expected, two thirds of the Ventus-Heart plus what I’m pretty sure is the Xehanort vessel bit. Considering how everyone appears to be wincing at its existence...yeah, more than sure. 

When it comes to my turn...I grimace but don’t fight back. Let the strange machine do its work on me, ferreting out the details of my weird existence. Not going to be pleasant to see everyone else react to this, that’s for sure. 

Because I may have more of a Heart than Ven, and a bit more than Vanitas, but it’s in worse condition than either of theirs. 

My Heart- 

Well. There’s not a better way to put this. 

My Heart bleeds. Always and constantly. It’s something I’ve gotten used to, since I first shredded it escaping from Vexen in Castle Oblivion. Pretty much all of my life so far. Sometimes the aches of my Heart spread to the rest of my body, and I ache for a day or two. Not really anything I can do to fix that. 

It bleeds and pulses as I breath and I try to keep it together no matter what happens. The pain is more noticeable now that Rook is gone. I’m almost certain that his presence was helping patch up the wounds and without him there, I can’t stop my inevitable dissolving alone. 

Pity. Fear. Sympathy. Emotions that everyone around me feels almost instantly, as Even gently explains to them what my scan means. 

I hate how soft he is about, like he’s a vet telling some kids that their dog needs to be put to sleep.  

Seriously, this is why I didn’t want anyone to take a look in the first place. They’re all worrying and they can all do nothing. 

(I don’t want their pity)

“Your Heart seems to have been in this state for quite some time, I’ll have to run more examinations to find out when that occurred-” 

I shake my head at that. 

“No? Do you know the cause then?”

For once in my life, I choose a bit of diplomacy. Don’t say that his alternate self is to blame. “I was trying to Corridor away from an enemy, shortly after I was born.”

Created. 

“Ah. Your Heart would have been still adjusting and forming itself in response to the world around it, an injury that would have never happened later in your life. Does it hurt often? Does it hurt more and more over time?”

Yeah. What do you think?

(I don’t mention the evergrowing hunger.)

“…As you can see, you likely are experiencing physical symptoms as a result of your Heart’s damaged state,” Even concludes. Giving me answers that I already know, already guessed at. 

I’m dying, that’s all there is to it. Not going to go without a fight, of course, but that still doesn’t change my current reality of death creeping up on me. One that Master Xehanort, of all people, promised to avert for me. 

But don’t worry. I won’t go to him for this. Never.  

(Unless that choice has already been made...has it?)

“But what does that mean? What can we do?” Xion asks almost desperately. 

Kairi bites at her lip. “Can we do anything?” 

Both of them begging for this Even’s help. I never wanted this for them. Not for me. 

“A body and Soul without a Heart is a Nobody. A Heart and Soul without a body is a Luminosity Being, such as a Light or a Darkness – though so if the Luminosity Beings you’ve met are, to the best of my knowledge, the Foretellers. A body and Heart without a Soul is a corpse.” Even explains things I already know (well, maybe not the Luminosity bit, interesting), but I’m not going to stop him. Better this man rant instead of taking me apart. 

Besides, Kairi and Xion don’t know anything and are taking all that they can. Seeming very interested. Maybe I should talk to them more about stuff like this, explain more of our lives like I did to Namine in the past. And Xion, occasionally. 

Even nods at Vanitas and Ven, who both looked bored and not paying attention. “Beings can exist with fractured amounts of any of the three, as I assume you know. The Unversed. Ven and Vanitas have incomplete Hearts and bodies, but they both have their own whole Souls. Reeve Tuesti is another example of an Unversed – while his body and Heart are both whole, his Soul is in at least two pieces at any given time." 

Familiar green eyes laser focus back on me. I fight not to shrink back. "Your Soul is whole, but the state of your Heart and body is still rather concerning. I assume you know this, however, it’s still worth repeating. Ideally, we would work on creating some sort of cast to patch up the damages on your Heart, so that it may have the time and resources to repair itself once it is no longer metaphorically bleeding out – however, given the small time frame that you and your companions have to stay in this world, we may need to find a faster, if less effective, solution.”

Thankfully, thankfully, those eyes go to Ven. Away from me. 

“Now, then. Your Heart and soul are stable, but I’d like some bloodwork from you, to get a better check on your health. It’s standard procedure.” There’s a softness to this Even’s voice, one I’ve never heard from Vexen before. 

I wonder...how much was lost in that transformation from Somebody to Nobody? How much can never be regained? I put it aside, because there’s nothing I can do about that.

But I can do something about Ven’s entire being seems to shudder at the mention of bloodwork. Because I know why that is. Too well, my own Heart pounding in memory. 

“I don’t think that would be a good idea.” Hell, everyone’s staring at me. Especially Vanitas. 

Yellow eyes narrow. “What do you mean?”

Wait. Ven didn’t...tell their twin. What. Beans. Oh man, oh beans. 

(I’m totally going to die. Yay.)

Ven presses their head against Vanitas’ shoulder. Quiet as they presumably exchange stuff through their mind connection, Ven probably showing Vanitas what he did to me. 

“Ven...Ven, why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Vanitas looks hurt. Oh man, no, not family drama. I twitch in place. I didn’t want people paying attention to my hurt Heart, but I didn’t want this!

Terra’s saying something. Not my problem. But Vanitas is saying something else. Probably my problem. Tune back in. 

Hissed words. “So you know when Ven went to that other worldline for a few months?”

“…yes?” Terra asks for everyone else. 

“Well.” Vanitas pauses, swallowing something in its throat, trying to come up with the right words. If there are right ones, for this. “They got kidnapped for three days by some crazy biologist and basically experimented on.”

I can’t hide my wince. Everyone else’s responses are similar, letting out gasps and pained hisses. Terra looks the most pained of all, like he’s taken a Keyblade to his gut. Like he’s failed Ven completely and totally. Devasted.

As much as I don’t really like him, he doesn’t deserve that. Because he didn’t fail Ven. Life just...happened. 

“I...see.”  Even’s response is pretty calm, hiding the turmoil that must be underneath. Because how do you respond to a sudden painful revelation like that?“Unfortunately, we do still need bloodwork to check Ven’s health, but given the situation I believe we can put it off for some time. Did Ven get checkups in that other worldline that you mentioned? Would it be possible to find a medical professional that they do trust, or that would have experience to be able to help us with this?”

Ven mentions something, probably. I don’t hear because it’s not directed towards me. Also, because Terra’s utter despair keeps grabbing my attention. I feel bad and I’m not used to that. 

Not about people I’ve already made up my mind on. Not about people that I haven’t failed myself. 

Should I...do something? Maybe I should. I step forward to give Terra a gentle pat on the arm. He glances at me in surprise and before he can do anything else, I whisper. 

“Not your fault. Sorry that it happened to your kid, though. Sucks.”

My good deal done for the day, I withdraw behind Xion and Kairi before Terra suddenly hugs me or something weird like that. 

Vanitas is saying something about bloodwork, from whatever Ven told it. 

“Good to know. Now, then,” Even says slowly, “Ven.”

[Yes?] A slightly shaking hand. Not a motion the more human-adjacent party members will notice, but I know that Vanitas definitely does by the way it shifts as if to move forward. To comfort its twin. 

“Is there any reason why you haven’t informed anyone about your experiences with this… former medical treatment, before now?” 

[What are you, a therapist?] Ah, that’s familiar. An annoyance, a rage I’ve felt many times myself (and am kinda feeling now, about people poking at my Heart condition), present in Ven. Finally mirroring how I respond to things, and that doesn’t seem right for some reason. Annoying, isn’t it? For everyone to drag things out that cannot be fixed?

But this is Ven’s life. I watch and don’t interfere. 

“I need to know what sort of experiences you’ve had, any surgeries or procedures, so that I may take them into account to get you the medical care that you need.”

Of course he does. Makes sense, no matter how irritating that truth may be. 

Ven shrinks back. [Sorry.]

Ugh. Maybe I should step in. I don’t like the look of that sadness on their face. 

“Do you… want to talk about it?” Please, I have very little desire to go into this. Especially when I have a feeling that Vanitas might actually beat me up if Ven tells me more secrets without telling its twin in turn. 

Still, I’ll make the offer. Because if I can help, I will.  

A head shake. [Not today.]

Oh. That works. I nod back, lean back against the wall. Terra and Ven hug, snuggle. Vanitas hovers nearby, almost touching but not quite. I don’t have to get involved, good.

Thankfully I don’t have to stay for when Even needs to take a deeper look at Ven’s everything, after that revelation on Ven’s...past experience with Hojo. Can’t blame the man for wanting to check, that’s what any good doctor would do. A proper doctor. 

I’m more than happy to leave. Not get pulled into anything else. 

Kairi and Xion leave with me, just us three. 

“You should have told me,” is the first thing Xion says. A quiet thing. 

“Told you what? Something you can’t do anything about? That I’m dying?” Xion doesn’t flinch in response and now that I think about it, she’s been awfully quiet about this entire revelation of my Heart’s condition. 

“You...” I narrow my eyes at her. “You already knew, didn’t you?”

She doesn’t even have the decency to look ashamed by the revelation. “Our Even told us.”

Ah-! Of course he would! “He didn’t have the right!”

“Didn’t have the right to say that you were dying and you won’t tell us!” Xion’s eyes are sharp and slice like daggers into my gut. 

Kairi only watches, arms folded over her chest. Saying nothing. Which is great! I don’t need to hear anything from her either. But also...worrying. 

Until there’s a distraction from the lab’s door, that I happily take.

Oh? Vanitas and Ven have come out with canes. 

Kind of jealous, actually. Canes can be pretty cool. Especially for whacking people with. Good for them! Be able to get something to help the pain, at least a little. And so quickly too! Makes sense with the magic, and can make all kinds of stuff much faster than before. Cool stuff, right?

There’s nothing to answer that, in my head. 

Yeah. Cool stuff. 

(I miss him.)

[regolithheart]

what do you think about the Nesta/Cassian/Mor conflict? also looking forward to your fics!!

Hi beautiful, sweet, innocent, Nonnie!!

Thank you for writing to me. Like I said, I could talk about Nessian all day and I am full. of. #thoughts. I could give you a short sweet answer, but it’s week six of quarantine, I had a brownie for dinner, and I don’t know what day it is. In the end, you’ll probably regret asking me, but lets just jump into it, shall we?

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like Rhys, Mor, or Feyre. So if you don’t want to hear what I have to say in regards to them, thanks for stopping by. No need to read further. 

I’ve never loved Feyre, but I think that has more to do with the fact that I just don’t like main characters in a series. Would I have preferred to read Hermione Granger and the Prisoner of Azkaban? You bet your ass. I also don’t like Rhys for the same reason, but also I dislike Rhys more than Feyre and for additional reasons which we will get to later.

I hate that I dislike Mor, because I loved her so much in ACoMaF and for a hot minute I shipped Mor and Azriel because I am a sucker for the unrequited love trope. A real sucker. And maybe, maybe I could have overlooked the retconning of her being a lesbian (yes, it was a retcon. Fight me.), if it weren’t for the fact that it makes her look really really bad and makes her treatment of Azriel even worse. I get it. I do. Her working through being okay with telling the others any of her business is part of her personal journey, but being honest to someone you claim to love about not being able to love them the way they hope to be is different than telling them you can’t be in a relationship because you prefer the opposite sex. Listen, I obviously have thoughts about this, but that’s not what the question was about so I’ll move on. 

Mor and Cassian’s relationship is a dangerous one. They both use each other as a crutch. From day one, Mor was using Cassian. Now, I don’t think she was doing it maliciously, but he appealed to her because he was already one of the most powerful Illyrians and a bastard to boot. Why do you think Mor chose Cassian and not Azriel? Sure, she wanted to own her own body. She wanted to decide who she gets to sleep with, but she decided she wanted to sleep with someone before going to the Autumn Court to stick it to Keir and the establishment. And what better way to stick it to them than to choose an Illyrian bastard. Because being the illegitimate son of an Illyrian lord is still ranked higher than being someone with no father and a dead mother. Mor knew exactly what she was doing when she chose Cassian. She is Rhys’ third-in-command for a reason. She aint no dumdum.

And for 500 years it was all good, right? Mor didn’t care who Cassian hooked up with because she knew they were no threat. But as soon as someone comes along that Cassian has feelings for, like true, legit, feelings, she cannot handle it. Because if she loses Cassian as a buffer then she really will have to be honest with Azriel (the horror). And so what does she do? She gets possessive. She outright hates Nesta and does not hold her feelings or tongue back. Now, some people are going to say that Nesta is the worst. She was horrible to Feyre growing up, she’s rude, she’s belligerent, and she can be a straight up bitch. Yeah. No argument there. We’ve all read the books. We have see the evidence throughout the whole entire series. But so is Rhys, so is Mor, so is Feyre, and Cassian and Amren. The only difference, is that a) they all have each other’s backs while no one has Nesta’s and b) we get to see everyone’s reasons and everyone’s POV except for Nesta’s. Feyre is an unreliable narrator, which is why I’m looking forward to seeing Cassian and Nesta away from Feyre in book 4 because I don’t trust her to tell me what’s going on for realsies. 

Honestly, the scene that made me straight up get so pissed at Mor was in ACoFaS when Nesta shows up to the Solstice party and Elain gives Nesta her present. All of Cassian’s attention is pointed to Nesta and what does Mor do? She forces Cassian to pay attention to her by choosing that exact moment to give him his Solstice present. Not any other time before or after when Cassian barely even glances Nesta’s way, but during the what, five seconds, he’s looking at her? PLEASE! It’s so passive aggressive and I hate it. I hate it!

I think the thing that bothers me the most abut Cassian and Mor’s relationship is that it really is just a miniature version of Cassian’s relationship with the Inner Circle in regards to Nesta. But really, when I say Inner Circle, I mean Rhys. I hate how Rhys treats Nesta, thinks of Nesta, and dismisses Nesta. Does he have his reasons? Sure. Are they valid reasons? He sure thinks they are, but like I said before, he’s no angel and we got to hear his full story so until we get Nesta’s full story then I don’t need my inbox blowing up. And honestly, if it turns out that Nesta really is as bad as everyone thinks she is, that’s still not going to change my opinion of her. I mean, why have you even read this far if you don’t like Nesta? Has anyone read this far, period? 

What I mean to say is that Cassian loves his family. He loves Nesta. The problem is that his family and Nesta don’t love each other and he will always feel torn apart over it. Cassian knows that Rhys hates Nesta. He can barely acknowledge her existence in front of Rhys and Azriel because they barely do. Yeah, his feelings are complicated right now. He’s hurt, and angry, and confused, and still loves her and can’t work out his feelings because he doesn’t have a safe place to do so. If there’s anyone he should feel comfortable going to to work out these feelings with, it’s Rhys, Az, and Mor but he can’t because he knows exactly how they feel about her, which is that they tolerate her at best. And even then, do they? 

I don’t want Cassian to feel like he has to choose between Nesta or his family, but as the situation stands, he probably does feel like that. I mean, who knows. Maybe he’s already chosen his family over Nesta. It’s not like she’s making an argument on her own behalf. But we know Cassian loves Nesta. Even if he’s annoyed with her, or mad, or frustrated with her, we know that he honest-to-the-Mother loves her. But until everyone can heal, and understand one another, and accept each other, it’s a lose-lose situation all around. Notice how I didn’t say love, or even like. 

Do I feel sorry for Cassian? Yes. Do I think he’s entirely faultless? Nope. Yes, he’s in a shitty situation, but honestly if he had a real conversation with Mor (and the Inner Circle) about his feelings about/for Nesta and confront her about her treatment of Nesta, he’d get different results. Do I think he’s terrified of having an actual, honest conversation? You betcha.

And yeah, we all know that Nesta isn’t making the situation any easier. But she’s hurt and suffering more than any of us really know. Do I think she's entirely blameless? Absolutely not. But I do feel that Rhys and Mor are extra judgmental of her because they already have their preconceived notions of her and anything she’s done contrary to that is ignored while everything she does that reiterates it is magnified. But here I am getting derailed again.

Nesta feels unloved. We can argue whether or not it is deserved another time, but the fact is that she feels unloved. Probably has always felt unloved. So every time Cassian choses to look at Mor instead of Nesta, it’s confirmation to her that she will never be anyone’s first choice. Look, the only man who said he loved her turned out to be abusive and assaulted her. And then when her father declares that he loves her, he gets murdered right in front of her eyes. Elain is the only other person Nesta knows loves her, and now she’s chosen Feyre and the Inner Circle over her (at least she has in Nesta’s eyes). You see where I’m going with this, right?

Except for the few dire times during the war--like when they’re legit in battle for their lives and emotions are running high--does Cassian let himself show Nesta that he cares for her. The only other times is when they’re by themselves. We know it’s because Cassian hides behind his bravado. But to Nesta, who probably has the worst opinion of herself, it probably means he’s ashamed to show it. Or he’s uncertain. I know we don’t have proof of this in the text, but I like to think I understand Nesta on a deep level, I can just imagine that’s how she’s feeling. Nesta pushes people away so that she doesn’t get disappointed when they decide to leave on their own accord. Nesta fought for Feyre, she fought for Elain, and she fought for Cassian. And in ACoFaS they all essentially turned their backs on her. And you wonder why she has so much rage in her frozen heart. 

TL;DR (not that I blame you): It’s complicated and it’s messy and everyone involved has contributed to it’s tangled mess of jealousy, insecurity, selfishness... but I also place more responsibility on the two 500-year-olds than I do on the 23-year-old. 

I’m really interested to see how it plays out in the next book(s), but I will tell you right now, I am on team Nesta Archeron and will be until my dying breath. 

Also, if you made it to the end...

[evaxsombra]

Silent Tears

Referencing 

Kadeu, Spade/Club Border

04 March 2021, Just Before Dawn

The silence was deafening and weighted. It pressed against Eva even as she walked along the border that marked Spade from Club. In one hand her cane swept across the ground—Eva half-hoping it might tap against a pair of boots followed by a “Hey there, Princess!” But none came. The other hand held a small basket, still warm with freshly baked goodies she’d made only an hour prior in Prospero’s kitchen. A bottle of mead poked out from beneath the cover. Even the pastries didn’t make the usual sounds of crust and crumble that were so familiar. It was as if the food knew where it was going and who it was for and dared not voice how it would simply spoil or be stolen by a hungry passerby.

The shuffling of guards’ feet reached her ears and Eva knew she was close. She passed them, returned their greeting as she moved along and then through the passage that led to Club. She didn’t go very far. She counted the paces until it was approximately the same distance that Anton would have usually met her within Spades borders. Her cane hit a wall—the side of a house maybe? She settled her back against it and slid down until she was seated. Carefully, she set the cover on the ground, followed by the variety of breads and, finally, two cups filled with mead. She sat the bottle beside her and let out a small breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

Then she smiled.

“Hey TonTon. Betcha didn’t expect me to come to ya this time, huh?” Silence. “Well, I figured I could make an exception this time. Seeing how you can’t meet me halfway anymore, I gotta pick up the slack.” Eva reached for one of the breads, held it gently between her hands. “Brought you more of those breads from Yeon Nen. Some alcohol too. Haven’t been able to stop baking since…well, um…since I heard.”

She thought back to the day after Airang. How she’d been exhausted after a wild night of whatever weird spell had come over her. All she’d wanted to do was sleep, but the moment she’d entered Spade, Lilith had been waiting, insisting that Eva come home to the Leon estate with. She’d even grabbed Chupa from her barracks. At first, Eva had been too tired to question it, but the alarm bells had been ringing. Lilith never touched Chupa—she didn’t much like scaly creatures. And she sure as hell never met Eva anywhere but at the Leon home.

And then Lilith had sat her down, made sure she had a good hearty meal. Let Eva rant and rave about the previous night and the early morning shenanigans. But Eva could hear how forced the helper’s laugh was, could smell the worry and sadness coating her skin. So she’d asked, “What’s wrong, Lilith? You seem down. Nothing happened to Prospero, right?”

“The master is alright, Miss Eva.” The pause. The first of many heavy silences. “Miss Eva…you were well acquainted with that Club boy, Anton, yes?” Eva nodded and grinned, knowing how Lilith had never been too fond of the Strongarm. The Shifter was sure she’d warm up with enough time…a lot of time.

“What’s he do this time? If it’s his handwriting I swear he told me he’s been practicing.” A complete lie.

“Miss, I’m afraid I have some bad news.”

And suddenly their time went bankrupt.

Eva gripped the bread tighter in her grasp until it caved in on itself, until her fingers met through the still-warm dough. “We both know I can’t cook to save my life. Or yours.” The wind didn’t so much as whisper. “If they had told me you died ‘cause my bread poisoned you, I woulda believed it. This stuff,” she poked at a pastry, “should be labelled an assassin’s weapon. Woulda fit you since, ya know, you were apparently an assassin and all.”

That hadn’t been easy to hear. To listen to Lilith’s voice as she read the Deck. As the Deck aired all of Anton’s dirty laundry for the world as if it was their right. Threw harsh words and unverified rumors knowing full well the man of the hour couldn’t defend himself. Eva had sat frozen, feeling her heart break even as she tried hard so hard to process the fact that her best friend was gone.

“You…you coulda told me, TonTon,” she murmured not unkindly. “I get why you didn’t. Really, I do. I never told ya, but I…I did some bad stuff too. But I think you woulda forgave me for it. I was just too ashamed to say anything. Even now I can’t really talk about it….S’not my place to forgive you, but I just wanna let you know that all that stuff doesn’t change how grateful I am to have had you in my life. It doesn’t change how much I love you, ya big dumb idiot. You were the brother I always wanted. And from now on every time I do somethin’ stupid I’m gonna think about how you’re supposed to be there putting up with it and makin’ sure we don’t go n kill ourselves. We were supposed to have the next three hundred years to bug the crap outta each other and laugh and get Lilith to actually like you. We were supposed to have time.” And someone took that from him.

Something warm and wet ran down her cheeks, dripping off her chin to soak the bread. She couldn’t move. She didn’t so much as gasp or sob. The tears fell silently as if they too feared disturbing this moment. Eva felt the crack that had been forming along her heart since that morning grow until it felt like a physical agony. She bent in half, face nearly touching the dirt as she let the pain finally course through her. Her body shook and her face contorted into something beastly. Her nails dug into skin, but instead of skin armadillo armor barred her from digging into flesh. Even now her animals were protecting her. But Eva didn’t want her own safety. She wanted Anton’s. She wanted him to be okay, to greet her like always, and offer a new adventure, and everything to be alright.

She wanted Anton to be alive.

She meant every word. She would always love TonTon and he’d always be her family. But the anger and grief and confusion—they couldn’t be ignored. She didn’t know how long it would take to accept losing one of her own. She didn’t know if this pain would ever stop. She didn’t know if she could ever think of Anton again without feeling like she falling apart. But she did what she could now.

Eva rode the wave of emotions, let the skid of tears against skin fill the void that silence had made of her too dark world. She cried in the silence she hated so much until she finally had the breath to hum a shaky tune. A final goodbye for a boy who would always mean the world to her. He’d never hear her sing, but the melody filled her with some solace. And as she hummed, Eva could feel the sun’s rays as they touched her skin, bringing a new dawn.

And with the warmth of day came the sound of birds and the rustle of wind and sound returned once more to her even as the wind carried her voice into the sky and disappeared into the world.

Song: Message in the Wind by Carole & Tuesday

[melifair]

There was this post I saw earlier today, probably lost in all the minutiae of my current interests

But it was interesting and struck a chord

It was to the effect of ‘being a virgin as a grown ass adult is ok and fine and dandy and nothing to be ashamed of, but like you have no place being any kind of outspoken in discussion about sex’

Pretty much a veritable ‘STAY IN YOUR LANE VIRGINS, YOU ARE UNQUALIFIED TO SPEAK OF SEX THINGS UNTIL YOU DO SOME VARIATION OF THE DO’

And the resulting comments of how predictable the virgins are being by commenting on this 🙄

And the preface of the whole thing as ‘it’s nothing to be ashamed of’ only to smack back with a big fat ‘be ashamed anyway’

Am I sensitive based on my own bias as a virgin. Yep. You betcha.

Does that mean I’m naive. Yep. Probably not as naive as one of that mindset would assume though.

Does that mean I know nothing. Nope. I won’t get super TMI here (which I could) but I would be a VASTLY different and probably super cranky person if I didn’t pursue my own curiosity and indulge myself.

Would it be interesting, fun, scary, exciting, with someone else? Probably. But it’ll happen when it happens. And if it doesn’t? I know how to get off for my own well being and sanity. Hell, it might even be a let down. Won’t know until it happens.

I’d just like to not be made into a ‘less than’ because of where I’m at in my own road of life. As I’m sure others don’t appreciate that either. Is that too much to ask in this shit show world we live in right now?

Is this whole diatribe kinda trivial? Yeah kinda. But not entirely. There are other things going on that makes this thing small fries, but in the end we just want a bit of contentment right?

There are worse things to be belittled over. But when it all piles up, is when it can really affect others. Can we not give backhanded affirmations? Because they are contradictory as fuck

[medea10]

Medea’s Top 10 Worst Fathers in Anime

[some-weird-kpop-girl]

Small Rant

I HATE the 4th of July.

The 4th of July is about celebrating our nation’s independence. At least, it used to be. Now, it’s about three things: barbeques, alcohol, and fireworks.

The first one I don’t have a problem with. I love good barbeque.

The second one... it’s not really my place to tell anyone what they should or shouldn’t do, so I won’t. I will say, however, that the 4th of July is the third deadliest holiday in the United States when it comes to road travel. Now, I don’t think those statistics are racked up due to nice barbeque, do you? (Again, not saying you’re not allowed to drink. I just ask that you do it responsibly. VERY responsibly.) And what really gets me is, “Kids, don’t play with fireworks. Let us drunk adults handle that. Hey, maybe we’ll light a dumpster on fire because we aren’t responsible adults who make sure the fireworks are 1000% out before we throw them away (This story comes from actual experience. I watched it happen. I also watched it set fire to the garage next to it and watched the firemen struggle to put it out.)

This leads me to my last point. The thing I absolutely despise about the 4th of July is fireworks. First of all, they’re illegal in many states and cities. Second of all, most people ignore those laws. In many places, fireworks are only legal on the 4th of July. Meaning that day and that day only. Still, fireworks are going off at least a week beforehand, and for weeks afterward as well. And people can’t have the common courtesy to stop after the time most people would go to bed. I can usually hear the people down the street setting off fireworks at 2 am. You know, some people have things to do tomorrow, and they would like to get more than four hours of sleep, you inconsiderate jerk!

But the thing that I really hate about fireworks? I’m scared of them. Yeah. I know. “You’re an American and you’re afraid of fireworks?” You betcha. They’re loud (enough to burst your eardrum if you’re not careful) and dangerous. They throw bits of hot metal and powder all over the place, especially the ones that go really high. The Consumer Products Safety Commission reported at least (but probably more) five firework-related deaths last year and 9,100 firework-related injuries (5,600 of which happened between the 22nd of June and the 22nd of July). So yeah. I’m scared of fireworks. But, while I’m scared of fireworks because they could hurt me, there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people all over the nation that are scared of them because they remind them of something else. Gunshots and death and destruction. My heart aches for our poor veterans who must, sadly, deal with this every year, or face criticism for electing to hide away indoors with something to drown out the sound. At the same time, I send out my condolences to anyone who, like me, is forced to participate in this ridiculous tradition despite being scared to death, either because you can’t tell the people around you or because they don’t/won’t listen and believe you.

So, I’m an American who hates the 4th of July. And I’m not ashamed of it. I think that the 4th of July has become a capitalist farce that people make money off of with discounts and meat and alcohol and fireworks. This is not what the 4th of July is supposed to be about, and (judging from what I’ve read about them) I’m sure a lot of our founding fathers would agree. I just wish people would realize the consequence of their actions.

All-in-all, I know that my ranting won’t change everyone’s minds. So I just hope that you’ll all be safe during the 4th of July. Please.

[kimmysfandomblog]

I just needed to vent my feelings about a ship I like (k0m@n@ml).

I’ve been wanting to commission/request something koma//nami related lately, but people I’ve commissioned or requested from before, it always seems like they don’t enjoy doing it, and then later on I find that out. Like, they post it on another site and get super defensive like “It was just a request, I don’t actually like the ship at all,” as if I forced them to accept my request or commission, or that they had to repost it to other social media. If you don’t like the ship, then why accept the request/commission? If it is an issue of money, I’d have gladly changed the prompt to another ship I like, or just have something platonic.

I really like the ship romantically and platonically, even if canonically they didn’t have any kind of relationship besides killer/victim, and Nanami was partly to blame for not giving any attention to Komaeda even though she really ought to have if she considered him a threat.

It really doesn’t help whenever I see things like “I don’t want to see you all shipping Komaeda with a girl,” like as if I am intentionally shipping him with a girl to say that he isn’t attracted to males, or “Komaeda is gay in canon and you’re horrible if you say otherwise.” I see you see him as gay, I happen to think otherwise. Besides Hinata/Kamukura, and maybe Naegi if you see anything past a hero-worshiping, I don’t see why he has to be gay. A part of this is self-identification, in that who I end up being attracted to, gender doesn’t even matter- personality does. I mean this is why Hinata ships are so much less controversial- most people see him as bi/pan already.

I hate that one of the ships I really liked is so... trashed on. People keep saying it is a popular Komaeda ship, and I look at Koma//Hina and Kamu//Koma, and Kom//aegi to an extent, and heck I feel like even Soum//aeda or Kuzu///maeda is more well liked than Koma//Nami would ever be. I hate that I like Koma//Nami because I just end up feeling ashamed. This is the only ship with Komaeda that I like that happens to be with a girl, but it just so happened to be with a girl half or more of the fandom hates/doesn’t like... and I want to tell myself to just ship it anyways, but it hurts to ship them sometimes. Constant reminders of how much people hate Koma//Nami are present... like okay, I get it. You see Komaeda as gay. That doesn’t make it wrong to ship him with a girl? Especially a girl who is dead. A girl he can never get into canonically because she is dead. Who cares if I put him in an AU and have him and Nanami like each other in that AU?

At least with my other important rare pairs kamu//nami and Hi//naegi/kamu///egi, there’s a supportive community. That’s just lacking in koma//nami (and trust me, I know why. I know it’s dangerous to do that, with these horrible people who keep attacking anything to do with Ko liking a girl).

I also just really miss koma//nami week.... it was only me and one other person last time, but I still really enjoyed it. Once the Hinata Project is over, I think I’ll see about organizing a Koma//Nami event in the spring, sometime before Ko’s birthday. HiN//aegi Festival rally helped me and a lot of others out in finding a safe place to ship it, maybe Koma//Nami needs something like that as well? And if I have to keep doing this for ships I like, I’ll do it. Hinat//sumi week? You betcha I’ll be onto that next fall. If no one else comes up with one, of course.

[ekel-a]

What is 'Enough'

When It was time for me to go to high school,  My parents spent an awful lot of time looking for good schools for me …we drove from Arusha to Moshi, Kibaha to Morogoro, Tanga to Bagamoyo. I did an awful lot of interviews. But I never got into any one of those ‘good gifted schools’ In my parents eyes I was smart and they, like every other African Parent, wanted their child in one of those ‘special’ schools one of those schools where kids speak in mathematics and dream in psychics.The schools my parents went to,  They, unlike me, refused to admit that I was average and ordinary. Oh Mom and Dad. We went from school to school…but the answer was always the same, she’s not tall enough, she’s too young, she’s not quick enough, she’s not fast enough, she’s not smart enough, she does not know enough mathematics, she doesn’t know enough Kiswahili, she’s just not enough! She’s not good enough for commerce, she’s not good enough for science, I heard it over and over…and those words can break you as a child, because…what was ‘enough’ Of course they never said it to my face, they would say it in whispers in the school corridors as they walked my parents around. And I was too curious to sit around and wait so I would follow them, and I would hear over and over those words ‘not enough’. And I always wondered ‘What is enough?’  I honestly don’t like special schools, they made the rest of us feel like we were some sort of idiots.. my life goal was to make special schools for average kids, like us. Kids who who got 3 in the first try when they did 1 + 1, yes we’re special too. And no not 'crazy' kinda special (Geeees relax a lil bit) I remember I went to a certain school in Arusha and did an interview, I was with my Mother only this time. And I thought I did pretty well, I did science subjects and the headmaster, pretty nice tall slim guy. He offered me juice after the interview and talked to me a little, unlike all the other schools I was  interviewed in. I really thought I was in, the kids there were lovely and I loved it, in fact I had already made friends and picked a dorm room, chose a spot to hang out and made peace with the school cooks. yes I was fast like that…all that in 3 hours only, if they gave me 2 more days I swear I would’ve been president…, you betcha I know how to mingle. Until well, I overheard the conversation he had with my mother ‘She cant get in, she’s way too behind in her syllabus she wont be able catch up’  Its like heaven was falling over me.I could see the devastation on my mothers face, the look in her eyes, her face dropped, I could see she was tired and it just broke me, I was tired of seeing her tired. So when he came to me to tell me how smart I was but there was no space I walked upto to him as he was leaving and pulled his coat. Pupils dilated you could almost pull a tear from my left eye. The words were sour in my chest and I felt a little pain in my chest as I uttered them…‘ I’ll catch up, I will work really hard, I will show you, I learn fast if you can teach me, please let me in, I promise you I will pass well, you will see I promise’ I remember saying words close to those, practically begging him.  My  heart was beating so fast vultures could hear it from ten miles away. This was my only shot. This man, in my eyes, held my destiny, I felt like I was letting my parents down one more time and I wanted to fix it.The smile on his face was gone and he was more serious now, He bent on one knee ( I was very short) to reach to my height and said right to my face, and I remember the sentence word by word….because they played in my head all through high school, all through university.‘ I cannot teach you what you don’t already Know’I stood there, I might have been young but I was not totally blank, what a way to tell a child that she was an idiot, I wasn’t gonna let him get away with it… ‘But I know more about Biology, Mathematics, Physics than I did in the test, I know more I can learn more’He said the last words  in a whisper almost had me in tears ‘ My Child, You don’t know enough’Those words rang in my head throughout my whole childhood. Before every exam I ever did throughout my whole life, and I promised myself I will never use that word on a child, and If you’re a parent, please do not.I stood there my eyes glared as my mother walked in, never lost her composure, bless her heart, smiled and talked a little with the headmaster and we left, off to board a bus  and walk on home. I could tell she was sad, But she never uttered a word of it, ever. We stayed for a while before she announced we had to do another interview, I was devastated, Do I really need to go to those special schools, I always asked them, Cant I just go to an ordinary school, But they would always remind me that those schools had better teachers and better classes and better education. Better education. So  weeks before I went to interview at this new school, I studied every book there was and did all past papers this country ever had, I wanted to know enough and because It was catholic school I read the bible too, page to page From the apple in garden of Eden to how we will burn in a certain river for our sins ..., you never know what enough meant down there. As soon as I arrived I was received by a nun who was the headmistress at the school, she was kind and patient with me she showed me the waiting room as she talked to my mother, and to my surprise, there was no interview test, there was no entrance exam. They just examine your old school’s results and you’re in, and my old school results were okay so I got in.I had so many questions for the headmistress.‘Aren’t you scared of children who don’t know enough messing up your perfect pass rate?’ I asked her as she held my hand to show me to the gate.  She looked at me almost in disbelief that this question was coming from a child‘What you know is an outcome of how much you’re willing to know’ The woman never spoke much. She said goodbye and I waved. I was just happy I finally got a school.When I finally went to that school, it wasn’t fancy, but the plus side was they had so much books and I was so glad, I read every single book there was, from history of roman empires to engineering books that were way beyond me. I read readers digests from 1930s and magazines from the 60s, all for my need to know ‘enough’. But that my friends is a quick history in my thirst and search for the feeling of ‘enough’… I kept reading, indulging obsessing over everything and anything but never quite got the hang of the real meaning of knowing enough.Fast forward my first year in college, I was sitting around with my 5 10 page assignments gazing outside into the trees daydreaming of getting married to a rich man with a house in 10 countries  with  butlers and maids delivering my breakfast from our other house in France because I like ‘french toast’ (don’t judge  me like that, every girl has had this dream at some point of difficulty in her life, every girl!) The professor said something that woke me, in Economics, She said a quote from Thomas Sowell she said  "The first lesson of economics is scarcity: there is never enough of anything to fully satisfy all those who want it" But  What is enough?  Enough for who? Last week I went to a graduation ceremony and met some wonderful children. They were pre form kids,.  they acted out a beautiful play and kept making errors in the dialogue I could tell their teacher was furious but the kids were so jolly …and  it was so hard not to laugh at their errors they were laughing tooo..we all laughed, and one of the kids was so nervous she ran outside and  hid. I asked their headmaster what criteria they use to advance them to Form 1 and he said none. We teach them all they need to know and advance them when we see they have passed well.‘What happens if they don’t pass,?’‘They keep studying until they do, eventually they do, we are patient’I nodded. Glad they never got turned down. There was no pressure, to be Enough. I met that ol headmaster last month he was older, white hair not young and built like the last time I saw him, we were undergoing training for a project we were doing and he was one of the trainers, he didn’t remember me, not that I expected him to, I Imagine he must have met at least a million children or more in his lifetime. In my heart I had hoped he would remember and see  how I had progressed and see who I grew into and became, but something told me it would not make a difference. So I just passed him by like I didn’t know him. When it was time for one on One  training he came to me and went through my work and was rather pleased. He called all the other trainers  and it became a long pleasant conversation, from history to science to community to economics to everything you could think of and I could not stop myself from talking on and on…my mind was saying stop but every thing the old man would say I would jump in with a word or two. It was a very bad habit, and I was ashamed later on. And as I was leaving he said in a whisper, almost in the same voice I had heard years ago. ‘ My child, you know a little too much for your age, where did you go to school? Did you study abroad?’‘In a little catholic school In some village you probably never heard of’‘You should’ve gone to our school’ he said as he looked around to his fellows ‘ we schooled professors, engineers, businessmen, in our time, perfect grades’‘ I would’ve, but back then I didn’t know enough….but thank you,’  I said, yes I was bitter and it was petty. It was 10 years ago maybe 12 and bringing it up wouldn’t make any difference but just a smirk of satisfaction as he looked somewhat puzzled. He probably never knew what I meant and will never understand what I meant, But it was better that way. So I kept it that way. Am I angry, That I got turned down so many times. Bloody yeah!! But I'm also happy because we have to realize we dont always need what we think we need to excel...we only need ourselves and our hunger to learn. We are enough for ourselves.

[wearetakingthehobbitstogallifrey]

Gotham 4x12 (*shrieks* SPOILERS)

Before we begin can I just say that Bruce better shape the heck up by the end of this episode and apologize to Alfred. And Harvey and Jim better make up

-Jim goes into a "respectable establishment" and I keep missing the name of the guy he is looking for because I keep getting distracted by his rough voice

-Oh Waaaait he was looking for Harvey :( he misses his brother :(

-aaah the birth of Poison Ivy. Tag yourself I am both the guy who says what the and the girl who is like DON'T TOUCH IT YOU FOOL

-NOOOO Alfred is haunting a diner because he has nowhere to go because my poor stupid lost son Bruce kicked him out

-sidenote: as cool as Jim's voice is, Alfred's voice is 10000000 times cooler

-uh oh these fools are gonna pick on Alfred. They are sooo going to regret that

-Lee being a leader and telling the people of the Narrows that they need to band together is da best and

-I like Ivy's voice too...OMG she just turned a guy into mOSS

-ALFRED SCHOOLING THE THUGS IN BRITISH LITERATURE IS EVERYTHING BUT THEN

"Wallet, watch, jewelry"

"Absolutely NOT. I mean, you're a big man, but you're out of shape. And what, you're three beers in already?" BAHAHAHAHA THEN HE JUST DESTROYS HIM

-the other guys are lucky that Jim shows up before Alfred can rearrange their faces too

-AAAAAH NOO THE LOOK ON ALFRED,S FACE WHEN JIM ASKS IF BRUCE IS WITH HIM :( he is upset and almost ashamed looking (maybe for Bruce? Or for himself because he wasn't able to father/guide/guard Bruce like he wanted to? UGH

-Alfred trying to be like yeah it's not such a terrible place to live, rent is cheap, and Jim's face and inflection of one in "You live here?" It's just like wtf happened when I was busy being hoodwinked by Sofia?!

-Ed being super impressed by Lee is my favorite thing look at his smile

-BOMB

-OMG WAIT WE HADN'T EVEN REACHED THE TITLE CARD YET THIS EPISODE IS GONNA BE LIT

-Lucius Fox is super brilliant I love him

-Jim is worried about whatever the heck is going on with the Alfred and Bruce situation and he promises to call Alfred and gives him a pat on the back and it just kills me because look Alfred is a bit of a recluse and for the past few years has lived almost solely for Bruce Wayne and like does he have any friends really? He has nowhere to go and no one to talk to :( please remember to call him, Jim

-LOOK I KNOW IT WON'T FREAKING LAST BECAUSE GOTHAM HATES LETTING US HAVE NICE THINGS BUT I LOVE ED SUPPORTING LEE AND I LOVE HIM PACING THE FLOOR FURIOUS THAT SOMEONE TRIED TO KILL HER (

-MY NAME IS BUTCH. BUTCH GILZEAN. OOPS

-omg Alfred is now the hero of the Narrows diner lol getting free drinks and the guy who just tried to mug him is like MAD RESPECT dude like you ran into a burning building to save people you ROCK and Alfred is like ?? ? Right, um, friends?? Aww and shares a drink with him

-Alfred then notices the waitress has a bruise on the side of her head. That she lies about. Someone is going down later, I can sense it

-lol Lucius and Jim on the case

L: you got a hunch

J: no, just a bad feeling

*creepy toy moves and makes a noise*

J: of course I'd happily be wrong

L, in a tone of the utmost disgust: who buys these things

-LUCIUS IS SO dONE WITH ALMOST GETTING MURDERED BY TOYS

-young guy: I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT MY FATHER WAS DOING

Jim, in THE flattest voice imaginable: there's a machine gun built into the wooden hand of this nutcracker here. Excuse me if I find that hard to believe

-ivy waking up in a new body with new powers and the first thing she does is find a sparkly dress and open a pint of ice cream nice

-uh-oh, wayne enterprises had a gas leak, betcha Ivy's gonna go after the company later!

-after she goes a after the sirens?! Wait does she hate all of them or does she remember that Selina is her friend?

-this girl is in love with Alfred's accent and I'm like SAME

-also I can promise you that Alfred is fixing to beat up the girl's abuser just watch

-EXCUSE YOU GOTHAM HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME CRY OVER ALFRED'S FRIENDSHIP WITH AND LOYALTY TO THOMAS WAYNE UGH MY HEART I NEED 575498 FANFICS ABOUT THIS AND I ALSO NEED BRUCE TO SHAPE THE HECK UP AND SEE EXACTLY HOW MUCH HE HAS HURT ALFRED AND HOW HIS DAD WOULD BE DISAPPOINTED IN HIM FOR THIS NOT FOR THE OTHER STUFF AND WHYYYY I CAN'T THE FEELS

-UGH HE TRIED ALFRED TRIED :(

-Lucius, sees poison ivy flourishing in a dead man's body: fASCINATING

Me: ... ... ..Gotham is a strange place with strange people

-OMG BRUCE IS BEING A COMPLETE IDIOT AND SELINA IS LIKE WHAT THE HELL. WHAT THE ACTUAL F. BRUCE WHAT ARE YOU DOING UGH

SHE SEES HIM AND SHE KNOWS HIM AND SHE KNOWS THIS IS LITERALLY THE OPPOSITE OF THE TYPE OF PERSON HE IS IN HIS HEART AND SOUL I HOPE SHE CALLS HIM OUT EVERY DAY TILL HE WAKES UP

-I can't stand drunk stupid Bruce who seems to think acting like a fool is gonna make him forget all the terrible things that have happened to him. I feel bad for him but good gravy son this cannot stand. At the same time I can see how this idiot playboy period of his life will ruin any conception people (maybe especially Jim) have of him as an intelligent, competent, intense young man who they might suspect of being the Batman

-Jim goes to Barbara for info, because that always turns out well

-OMG OMG OMG THAT ABUSIVE BOYFRIEND FRAMED ALFRED FOR MURDER WHAAAT HE KILLED HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEN FRAMED ALFRED NOOO AND THE GIRL WAS SO SWEET OH MAN ALFRED IS GONNA BE DESTROYED OH GOSH HE JUST WANTED TO HELP

-IF JIM THINKS FOR ONE SECOND THAT ALFRED ACTUALLY DID THIS I'LL PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE

-I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW

-OKAY I THINK JIM IS GONNA TRY TO HELP HIM

-WAIT ALFRED JUST PEACED OUT THE HECK IF THEY WERE GONNA TAKE HIM TO THE STATION ON SUSPICION OF MURDER WHY WEREN'T THEY GUARDING HIM. WHY DIDN'T THEY PUT HIM IN HANDCUFFS. IDIOTS

-aww Butch still loves Tabby

-BAHAHAHAHA I'M CRYING ED IS NOW LEE'S HYPE MAN MAKES UP INTRODUCTORY RIDDLES FOR HER LOL

-JIM'S FACE WHEN HE SEES THAT LEE IS THE DOC

-LOL ED CREEPS UP ON JIM AND STARTLES THE HECK OUT OF HIM

Jim: I should bust you right now

Ed: yeah yeah whatevs look your ex is awesome and I'm on her side now surprise

Jim: someone hired krank the toymaker to kill her

Ed: Krank? That is sooo Gotham

BAHAHAHAHAHA

-I love Jim and I love Lee and the angst between them now hurts so bad but...I don't see them getting back together and marrying...because Jim can be a knucklehead and Lee doesn't have patience for that. UGH WHYYY. maybe it will be this bittersweet thing where they will always be good friends and remember what might have been...or years and years and years down the road they might marry...but not now :(

-lol Ed in the background like um guys I am standing right here? Maybe don't talk about me like I'm in another room? Lol

-btw what is up with Ed's hair xD

-waaaaaait a second....

-OMG ALFRED IS GONNA MURDER THE KILLER BOYFRIEND OH NO HE IS OUTNUMBERED

-HELL YES!!! HARVEY TO THE RESCUE!!!!!!!! SORRY IT TOOK HIM SO LONG HE WAS IN THE JOHN

-Harvey: I love bar-tending, it involves two of my favorite things--drinking and ignoring people

HARVEY THAT'S NOT HOW THAT WORKS

-BLESS YOU THOUGH HARVEY I LOVE YOU THABKS FOR SAVING ALFRED'S BACON

-OH GEE IVY IS SUPER DANGEROUS NOW AND SUPER CRAZY

-OH BOY OH MAN OH GOSH YUP ED'S ALTER EGO THE RIDDLER HIRED THE GUY TO KILL LEE I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

-JIM SHOWS UP TO SAVE ED BUT ED'S A STRESSED MESS AND HONESTLY THE WHOLE LONE WOLF THING SOUNDS DUMB AND JIM IS LIKE HUH YOU SURE ABOUT THAT

-OF ALL THE BEER HALLS IN THE CITY, HUH? (I love Harvey so much) aww he is drinking to the lady with Alfred my heart

-NOOOOOOOOO JIM AND HARVEY NOOO

Jim: I've missed you

Harvey: well I haven't missed you. Haven't missed begging you not to do something just to watch you go ahead and do it anyway. Haven't missed watching you bang Falcone's daughter while she uses you to get rid of Penguin

Alfred: *shifting in his seat* THIS IS SO AWKWARD

-UGH HARVEY IS LIKE YOU DON'T WANT ME AS A COP YOU WANT SOMEONE TO CONFESS TO YOU WANT ME TO BE YOUR PRIEST

AND JIM IS LIKE...HOW ABOUT ALL THOSE THINGS AND A FRIEND *HANGS HEAD IN SADNESS*

ALFRED CONTINUES TO DRINK AND WISH HE WAS ANYWHERE ELSE

LOOK THERE IS ANGST AND THERE IS ANGST AND I AM DONE WITH SOME OF THEM GIMME THE HARVEY/JIM BROTP BACK I MISS MY BROTHER COPS

-IN CONCLUSION ALFRED AND BRUCE ARE STILL ON THE OUTS AND SO ARE JIM AND HARVEY EVERYTHING HURTS

[dejnar]

Secret Santa Marinette Style™

I am so sorry @buttercupandwestley that I failed to upload this even near the holidays. It’s too late and it does not match the mood anymore but I hope you still like it! Oh my god I hope so bad that you like it.  Like I said earlier it escalated. It got completely out of control. You will see what I mean.

If you don’t like to read long texts on Tumblr I uploaded this on fanfiction.net too.

Christmas is over but... Happy New Year! 🎉 I wish you good luck and that everything you wish for comes true ❤️ You are a cutie and it was a joy to regularly visit your blog 😊

That’s my contribution to the @miraculousladybug-ss  , thank you guys for setting this up!

Last day of October

“Do you remember how I told you about my mom being that happy about my sibling’s grades that she got way too high-spirited and granted them a wish and that, and I quote, ‘they could wish for whatever they want no matter what it is’?” “Yeah, I remember. Part of the reason your mom was that overwhelmed was the fact that your grades were pretty bad because of all the time you spent on the Ladyblog, wasn’t it?” Marinette grinned whimsically at her counterpart. “That’s not the point Marinette!” Alya pouted and folded her arms. Yet she couldn’t keep her acting up too long since she longed to break the news. “Anyway, listen to me instead of teasing me!” She lightly hit Marinette’s shoulder as she giggled. “Excuse me, I didn’t mean to offend you. What did you want to tell me?” Feeling quite noble Alya continued. “Well, since this fateful day my parents and I lived in a constant fear of what could possibly come up to us. What can I say, they finally decided what they wish for.” That was kind of a turn of events for Marinette because she witnessed the two girls had debates going on for hours about it. “Wow, I thought those little monsters would never come to an understanding. So what do they want?” Curiously she looked at Alya who kept silent clearly punishing her for her previous chaffing. “Come on, tell me already! What is it? The table tennis table? Or, my personal favorite, the trampoline?” Marinette begged to know and willing to finally proclaim Alya gave her a resigned look. “Neither. Somehow they came up with another, completely new and different idea.” She sighed. “They want a cat.” Adrien’s head literally popped out of nowhere. “So it’s true!” Surprised Marinette blinked at her crush who suddenly stood beside her. “Your family is bringing an unbelievably cute kitten to your house at that very moment!” Shorttaken Alya looked at him in confusion. “Not exactly. My siblings are too young and my parents and I too busy to care for a little kitten with a lot of needs. They’re adopting a cat that’s already grown a little.” “Still adorable” Adrien’s eyes began to glisten with joy. After getting over his cuteness, which took her nearly twenty seconds, Marinette pointed at him. “How does he know?” Alya shrugged. “Nino I guess.” In indignant disbelief Marinette looked at her. “Wait, you told Nino before you told me?” Alya rolled her eyes at her best friend when she answered. “Sure, duh. You were gone throughout all of lunch, remember?” Beginning to blush Marinette sheepishly lowered her head and remembered the akuma attack she fought down with Chat Noir earlier “Uhm… You’re right. Sorry?” With a smirk Alya waved it off. “Don’t sweat it girl. Hey, you guys wanna hang out next week to get to know our newest family member? I think she needs some time to acclimatize before she meets so many people but it should be fine in a few days if you’re cautious.” Loving the idea Marinette began to smile brightly. “You betcha! Adrien, do you wa-” as she turned to face him she had to laugh at the view she gained. Obviously overjoyed Adrien was nodding aggressively, face slightly red. “Who could say no to a kitten?” Nino asked as he joined the scene and patted his best friend’s back. “Calm down man or you may pass out because of anticipation.” “Kitty!” was all Adrien managed to blurt out through his compressed lips causing his friends to bubble over with laughter. The bell rang and they headed to class, the other three still amused while Adrien blushed embarrassed. After school Nino and Alya had to leave right away for whatever reason they didn’t want to reveal so Marinette ended up waiting for his drive home next to Adrien. Frozen she rapidly thought about any topic to talk about to distract herself from just staring at him. But Adrien forestalled her smiling dreamingly at a point in the distance that wasn’t really there. “I bet Alya rushed home to see her cat.” “You’re really that excited over a random cat of a classmate?” Marinette asked him astonished and he looked down timidly. “Yeah… Well, as you know I was homeschooled and never had many friends besides Chloé. I wanted a pet since forever and cats have always been my favorite. But obviously my father didn’t approve. It’s kind of a childhood dream coming true even if it’s for someone else. You know what I mean?” He laughed nervously but Marinette’s genuine smile banished all of his bashfulness. “Yes, I think I understand. I have to say that I really admire it that you’re happy for Ella and Etta instead of getting jealous and being cruel.” He couldn’t help but blush over such an unexpected compliment especially because it was about his character for once. “Thanks, Marinette. You know” he beamed at her “I’m super glad we’re friends.” Now it was Marinette who blushed. Before she could respond a shining car drove around the corner and Adrien waved his goodbye at her. “See you tomorrow!” She looked down the road still after the car was long gone.

First week of November

“Ok guys, I need to talk to you after school. All of you.” Surprised at Marinette’s serious greeting instead of her usual warm hugs her friends looked at her. “Something’s up girl?” Alya asked worried but Marinette shook her head. “After school!” she repeated and headed to class without any other word. “Damn, did we do something?” Nino looked at Marinette’s back in concern. “She was alright just yesterday” Adrien replied thoughtful. “What did you say to her when we were gone?” punching his arm Alya threw an angry glare at him. “Ouch! Nothing! …I guess.” His assailant just bristled with anger in response and followed Marinette to class. “Dude I hope you didn’t screw up too bad” Nino said while putting one hand on his shoulder. “I didn’t even do anything!” Adrien cried in despair but Nino just gave him a pitying look. “Maybe that’s the problem.” And with that Adrien stood in the halls alone, no idea what he possibly could have done to cause such a situation.

Turned out they were just messing with him. After the bell rang to free the students into a beautiful autumn afternoon Adrien stepped out of the school building and spotted Marinette who looked perfectly happy. Relieved he headed towards her and the other two who also seemed pretty glad it wasn’t a severe situation. Buzzing with anticipation Marinette jigged in front of her three closest friends. “It is November guys!” she finally squealed with glee and a thrilled beam on her lips. “It certainly is” Alya agreed smiling fondly. Every time Marinette got so excited over something Alya loved her even more than usually. Her overwhelming joy also infected the two boys standing next to them although they had no idea what caused Marinette to reach that level of enthusiasm. “Man you must have some great plans to get that hooked about a month like any other” Nino whistled impressed. “It’s not a month like any other!” Marinette disagreed indignantly as if he just insulted her. “It’s the month before December!” she stated stamping her foot. “Riiiight…” he tilted his head and mystifyingly narrowed his eyes. Adrien laughed. “Could you please bring back the overjoyed Mari? I have to say I liked her way more than huffy Mari to be honest.” Carefully he reached out his hand to open the fist Marinette clenched without noticing it. “Sure” was everything she was able to mumble into her scarf glad that she could hide her blush behind it too. Nino and Alya exchanged a knowing look. “Back to business!” she continued in a cheerful tone again since she managed to regain her voice shortly after Adrien let go of her hand. “What I wanted to say is that it’s Secret Santa time!” Adrien’s eyes promptly began to glisten, causing Marinette’s heart to jump. He also liked one of her favorite things in the world! Nino’s face brightened up immediately too and Alya clapped her hands in delight. “That’s a great idea Marinette! But… I’ve never done such a thing. How exactly does it work?” ashamed Adrien looked down to the ground where he drew circles with the tip of his toes. “Well, normal groups of people draw a partner by lot in December and buy them a present for Christmas.” Alya explained to Adrien showing him that he had no reason to be embarrassed. “But I guess Secret Santa in Marinette Style™ is quiet different?” she added questioningly looking at her best friend. “You’re absolutely right!” she grinned back. “We all get our so called giftee assigned at the beginning of November - means today, right here and now - so that we have enough time since Secret Santa Marinette Style™ is a little more complex and has some strict rules!” “I am kind of afraid” Nino confessed playfully frightened but Marinette just laughed it off. “Don’t be! Actually it’s pretty simple. You’re supposed to make four gifts instead of just one, secretly delivering them one by one every week of December. The fourth one is ought to be opened on Christmas Eve, obviously. And most importantly, every gift has to be self-made!” Adrien’s eyes widened “How am I supposed to do that?” Marinette’s smile grew even bigger though nobody would have guessed that something like this would be possible. “We have some cute Christmas angels who are willing to assist us!” She waved at someone behind Adrien’s back and as he turned around he saw Rose waving back while Juleka took her hand and dragged her towards the group. “Hey guys!” Rose chirped happily not letting go of Juleka���s hand even though they already reached their destiny. “We’ll help you deliver your presents!” “Yeah. Just hand us the gifts every week and we’ll make sure they’ll end up with the right human” Juleka explained with a smile on her face. While Nino and Alya were performing some sort of cute jig together, Adrien looked at the two girls in front of him in concern. “And you’re ok with that? I mean, like, helping us but not participating yourself?” “Sure! I had to experience a lot of Secret Santa rounds already. I’m kinda glad I don’t have to do it again this year” Juleka sighed and he would have sworn he saw her shiver a little at the words ‘Secret Santa’. “That’s true!” Rose nodded in agreement still smiling brighter than the sun. “Juleka is everything I need anyway.” The world suddenly seemed to freeze. Alya and Nino immediately stopped in their tracks, Adrien and Marinette stood thunderstruck and everyone’s glances flew between Rose and Juleka and their still touching hands. “Oops. Dropped it” Rose laughed nervously while Juleka hid her face behind her black gloved hands. Before the silence could grow uncomfortable Alya pointed her finger at Marinette with a triumphal smile on her face and declared “Told ya!” Marinette giggled with joy. “This day is getting better and better!” Raising her hands to Juleka’s shoulders Rose sheepishly smiled at her classmates “I guess we’ll leave now or Juleka will melt on the spot. Please keep it to yourselves!” “Of course we’ll still be your errand girls though” Juleka mumbled as Rose pushed her towards the school building. “Nice!” Nino simply stated watching them leave and then turned back to Marinette as if nothing out of the ordinary happened. “Is that everything we need to know?” Before she answered to her friend she made sure through eye contact that Alya felt the same urge to freak out about what they just witnessed later. “Nope, you don’t even know the best part yet!” She went silent for a moment to raise the tension. Looking into her friend’s eyes told her that it worked. “In the end you have to guess who your Secret Santa is and deluge them with all the love you have!” she bounced like an excited toddler causing her pigtails to bounce. Alya chuckled as she put an arm around her shoulders. “Typical Marinette. Being the love spreading cutie she has always been.” “Sh! The drawing begins at this very moment!” Marinette hurried to say to hide her flattered embarrassment. The attempt failed. “As you wish” Alya tousled her hair before letting go with an affectionate smile on her face. Marinette smiled back with still a slight blush on her cheeks. “Nino, gimme your hat!” Marinette reached out towards him. “Of course Your Highness.” Nino handed her his red cap while making a bow, she curtsied with a giggle and took it. Reflexively she inspected it from every possible angle. “By the way, you should definitely exchange this with a beanie to avoid catching a cold” Marinette warned Nino but he just shrugged. “Nah. I have my headphones keeping my ears warm, I’m fine. Thanks for worrying though.” “I hope that’s true” suspiciously she glanced at him but decided to leave it there. Rather than starting a discussion about her friend’s valuable health she threw the four sheets with their names on them she prepared earlier into his hat. “Ladies first” Marinette said as she held it up to Nino. “Very funny” he rolled his eyes while reaching out his hand but at his comment Marinette pulled the hat back down. “Tz, if you don’t want to go first I won’t make you do it!” Instead she handed it to Alya who grinned and grabbed the first slip of paper. “Whoops, gained myself” she said apologetically and put the paper back into the hat. “Try again!” Marinette encouraged her nearly smacking the hat into her face. Amused Alya took a step back, chose a new one and rolled her eyes at it the moment she read it. “Seriously? Again?” The other three laughed as Alya tried again. A sigh of relieve escaped her lips as she gladly smiled at the name. “Got one!” victoriously she waved with her piece of paper. “Great! In that case I’m giving Nino the opportunity to draw next!” Turning back to him again she smirked at an impatient Nino. “You’re too kind!” Sincerely delighted he took his turn and scanned the name then nodded perfectly satisfied “Nice.” Slowly Marinette turned to the remaining participant trying very hard not to blush too intensely. “Ok. Adrien it‘s finally your…” Before she could finish her sentence Adrien gently pushed the hat towards her. “You go first, Mari. It was your idea and you put so much effort into it, you should at least have a choice.” His kind smile made her legs shaky and useless. She shyly smiled back at him as she chose one of the last two names. Nino. Wondering if she should be relieved or disappointed over the fact that it wasn’t showing Adrien’s name was quickly replaced by tons of present ideas for the upcoming musician. “Okay then! It’s my turn!” Curious Adrien grabbed at the last name. For a brief moment Marinette was afraid that he still could have ended up with his own name and they all had to try again but as he unfolded the small white paper he began to smile widely. “Sweet! This is going to be so great.” Sheepishly Nino coughed and looked at them with an apologetic expression. “Sorry guys but I have to leave now since I have to discuss our new physics project with Kim. Wish me luck he doesn’t turn it into a dare. See ya!” He waved at them as he ran away and Alya caught him clenching his fist and cutting a caper. Her buzzing phone interrupted her smiling shake of the head. “Mom? Hey, what’s up?” She quickly turned to Marinette and Adrien “Sorry guys, I’ll be right back!” With that she took a few steps away from them. Meanwhile Adrien worked up all his courage and hesitantly approached Marinette. This could be his only chance if he didn’t want to confess his weakness to all of them. “Uhm, Marinette?” he tapped her on the shoulder so she would face him. “Yes Adrien?” she turned around and looked up to him. The unprepared sight of his dreamingly green eyes made her heart skip some beats. “You know… When I asked how I was supposed ‘to do that’” he drew quotation marks into the air in front of her face “I didn’t mean the secret delivery thing but the rule that everything has to be self-made. I guess… I’m pretty bad at those things.” Nervously he turned his look away and scratched the back of his head. Marinette’s eyes widened. You stupid little goopy mess!, she thought to herself wanting to slap herself. Making Adrien feel incapable and uncomfortable was the last thing she intended. “Oh! I’m so sorry! Sometimes I kind of forget that not all people do the same stuff as I do” she laughed awkwardly and lapsed into babbling. “Guess I kind of threw you in at the deep end, huh? But don’t worry. Until you don’t tell me who it is I will help you and teach you a thing or two about handicrafts if you want me to and I’m convinced you’re better at it than you think! And I’m certain we will find another conclusion for you I mean it should be fun for all of us after all, right? Right, of course. Uhm, what I want to say is your Secret Santa, whoever it might be, can, and will!, be glad about the fact that they-” Adrien laughed a pure laugh that calmed Marinette down a little and placed his hands on her shoulders. “I didn’t mean to make you feel guilty, no need to get nervous about this. I’d like to take your offer to help me if I need it which, let’s be honest about this, won’t take too long I guess. Thank you Mari, I actually feel a lot better now!” She returned his warm smile although she had no idea how her absurd chattiness would help anyone. Eventually Adrien looked down at his watch. “Unfortunately I have to leave now too but it looks like Alya finished talking to her mother. See you tomorrow! Bye Alya!” “Bye Adrien” Alya waved at him as she passed him on her way back to Marinette. “You were that excited over this whole Secret Santa thing that it even distracted you from acting weird and awkward in front of Adrien. It must truly be a Christmas miracle!” she gasped excessively. “You are a horrible person, Alya Césaire” Marinette laughed but at the same time linked arms with her best friend. “But seriously” Alya smiled and nudged Marinette’s shoulder with her own “I’m proud of you.”

 For the next few days Marinette was caught in a relentless battle against her own self. Of course she could just change the rules entirely so Adrien wouldn’t have to struggle too much with the crafting and allow him to buy everything instead. But then it wouldn’t be Secret Santa Marinette Style™ anymore and if her parents drummed one lesson into their daughter it was that “amazing girls like you should never and under no circumstances change for a boy who simply couldn’t handle their brilliance”. Thus changing the rules wasn’t an option. Another voice in her head tried to seduce her to take advantage of the situation and spend as much time with Adrien as possible under the pretext to show him a thing or two about handicraft work. Marinette had to admit that she liked that idea a little too much but knowing herself she would just lose control over herself and screw both of her purposes – resisting the impulse to encroach on Adrien’s projects (in that case it wouldn’t be Secret Santa Marinette Style™ in Adrien Style anymore) and, even more importantly, acting like a decent human being around him. So what should I do?! Marinette groaned and tore her hair. “Seriously Marinette, you have to stop to treat yourself like a sinner for wanting to spend time with Adrien” Alya shook her head at Marinette’s inner conflict. She may not have said anything for a little while but Alya knew exactly what was going on behind those bangs. “So I’m not a terrible person for considering exploiting Adrien’s lack of knowledge?” Marinette, by now a picture of misery lying on her desk, mumbled into the crook of her arm. “Get a grip on your unnecessary feeling of guilt, girl! May I remind you that Adrien Agreste himself suggested that you should teach him that stuff? In fact I would go as far as to say that he asked for your help and it would be very cold-hearted of you to refuse his request.” Slowly Marinette straightened up and Alya smirked proudly at herself. “If you put it that way I have to help Adrien…” Pondering Marinette stared at a poster on her wall, straight into a pair of enchanting green eyes. “Exactly.” While patting her best friend on the shoulder Alya decided to get a pastry from the bakery below as a reward for another good deed she just performed.

 Second week of November

“Ok guys, new rule!” Marinette opened the Emergency Secret Santa Meeting with her friends at lunch with a determined smack on the table. Adrien looked at her in absolute horror while Nino next to him squealed and stared up to her, frightened. “Even more rules?” Laughing Marinette quickly calmed them down. “Don’t worry it actually makes it kind of easier: Everyone gets a joker! That means I allow you to buy one of the presents instead of crafting it.” She winked at Adrien who gave her a thankful glance. “Obviously I’m not going to make use of said rule” she continued and playfully threw her hair over her shoulder. “That’s a point of honor.” “Guess I’m not as honorably as you, I’ll definitely buy something. Thanks Mari! That makes it easier for me to deliver the best presents out of this group.” Confident as always Alya put an arm around Marinette’s shoulders and looked at the boys with a challenging smirk on her lips. “What about you guys? What do your egos say?” A resoluted expression appeared on Nino’s face as he answered completely serious: “I will do this on my own! I know I can make it!” He ended in an epic pose with a clenched fist. Impressed Adrien clapped him on the shoulder while the girls suppressed their giggles. With a resigned smile Adrien looked at Marinette. “I guess I’ll desperately need that joker. Thanks for changing the rules for us I know how much you liked your original idea.” As always when Adrien directly addressed her Marinette flushed and started to stutter a little. “Oh, uhm… no worries! It will be fun. I-I mean, it will be a lot of fun anyways!” Gladly Adrien smiled at her and her knees weakened. “I’m happy to hear that! I’ll do my very best for you guys.” Before Marinette could respond something to that cute statement Alya cut in. “Hate to interrupt but I have to go. And I’ll take Nino with me, just because I can.” Surprised by the unexpected grip around his arm and the enormous force behind it Nino defenselessly followed Alya out of the room. Sheepishly Adrien smiled at Marinette and scratched the back of his head. “So… do you still agree with helping me out here? Otherwise I have to pay you to grant me three more jokers.” Nervously he laughed since it was only partly meant as a joke. But Marinette’s genuine smile calmed him down immediately. “Sure I will, I always keep my word” she responded with a kind smile and gained an even softer smile from her counterpart. “I never expected anything different.” “Besides” she nudged his shoulder with her own, “I can’t allow you to mistreat Secret Santa Marinette Style™ like this.” His laugh warmed her whole body, giving her the confirmation that it was worth the effort to act like a sane person around him. “With that being settled would you meet up with me tomorrow to brainstorm a little? I really don’t want to screw this so… I guess it’s best to get down to it as soon as possible.” Marinette could only smile entranced by how sweet he was. “Sure! I’ll think about something easy to show you.” As a reward she gained a happy smile. “Thank you so much Mari! I have to go get my books before class but we’ll see each other tomorrow at my place at the latest!” Not even waiting for her response he waved at her as he left the room, leaving behind a startled Marinette. She would visit Adrien’s house. The house that also happened to be the home of Gabriel Agreste. If it wouldn’t have been for Max who asked her why she was just standing in the middle of the room staring at the door she would have been late for class once again.

 On the same day Marinette headed to her favorite store to get some materials she needed for the presents she came up with and to get something for Adrien to practice with. It was a beautiful clear autumn day and on her way she appreciated the colorful trees and enjoyable breezes. Just as she was about to reach the store she closed her eyes to inhale one of those breezes and immediately bumped into someone. “Oh god, excuse me, I wasn’t…” The words died on her lips as she looked into a pair of amused, green eyes. “Princesses don’t need to apologize” Chat Noir said before giving her a kiss on the hand. “Not even if they’re clumsy.” Perplexed by the unexpected encounter with her partner Marinette looked up to him in silence for a few seconds before she finally managed to say something. “Chat Noir, what are you doing here? Is there a needle-swinging akuma or anything?” she jested, too surprised to realize that Chat began to nervously fidget. “Uhm, a friend of mine recommended the shop to me since I needed something to… do heroic things. But what are you doing here? I thought princesses have servants to handle those things for them. Don’t tell me…” he gasped. “You’re not a real princess?!” Marinette rolled her eyes but giggled. Maybe she would have been suspicious of his behavior if she wouldn’t have been that confused herself so she only ascribed it to his usual weirdness. “I’m fine on my own, thank you. Also, if your friend recommended this shop they must have a pretty good taste! I like that one very much too.” “I’m sure the sense of taste of such a charming princess is the furry best” he winked. “I would love to let you tell me how great I am while ignoring your horrible puns further but I actually have to hurry, my parents are waiting for me to help with the bakery. Good luck with those mysterious heroic things you have to do” Marinette excused herself with a playful smile. “I will definitely overcat every difficulty to secure you a save kingdom!” he assured her with a flirtatious grin. “Told you your puns are horrible” Laughing she walked past him into the store. When she was gone Chat Noir sighed loudly and leaned against a lantern next to him. Why didn’t he think of the possibility he could meet Marinette when he decided to go to the store she mentioned to him earlier? Maybe he was overreacting but it could have been a hint to her when she saw him there as Chat Noir at the same day. Not that he had much of a choice. He knew very well that his father would not let him go to buy fabrics, of all things. He would tell him that he could get him anything, only the best of the best of course. And also he would hire someone to create the gifts for Adrien. Since there was nothing he could do about it he hoped Marinette wouldn’t think about the reason why he was there and headed home.

 The next evening Marinette heard a muffled sound from above her and got a little worried. Quietly she opened her window and slowly peered out on her balcony but what she found there soothed her instantly. “Chat Noir! What are you doing here?” For a moment she was afraid that he somehow figured her out but looking at the nervous, guilty looking boy in front of her she knew he had to be there for another reason. “I came to apologize” he answered hesitantly. “I was quite a flirt yesterday and I wanted to make it up to you. You deserve a proper conversation at least.” A soft smile appeared on Marinette’s lips due to his unexpected kindness. He was a good one after all. “But you don’t even know me. How do you know that I deserve your effort?” she walked up to him with a curious expression. “Let’s say I’m pretty good with assessing someone’s character” he answered smiling and his tensed body began to relax. “So, what brought you to the store?” he asked as if he didn’t know too well. But her shining eyes and the devotion in her voice was totally worth to hear the whole explanation of Secret Santa Marinette Style™ again while hardly getting a chance to speak on his side. “…and that’s how it works! I am so excited I can barely wait for December to begin!” Chat couldn’t help but laugh warm-heartedly. Of course he knew how passionate she was about her project before but he once again witnessed her charming cuteness and once again it completely enchanted him. “You really are the incarnated Christmas spirit, aren’t you? I have to admit that your words kind of move me and I would love to hear more but unfortunately I have to leave. Keep it real, Princess.” Slightly he bowed and giggling Marinette followed suit. “It was very nice having you here, minou.” Surprised by the warm feeling Marinette’s words caused inside of him he jumped over her balustrade. “The pleasure is all mine. See you soon, Marinette.” While she watched him leave over the nearby roofs Marinette realized something. Usually, as Ladybug, she didn’t get that emotional around Chat Noir but today, as Marinette, all her thoughts bubbled out of her without interruption. And it felt right and save with him. No matter what happened, no matter how bad things would be, she could always count on her partner, her friend, and that meant the world to her. With a knowing smile Tikki watched the two of them saying goodbye.

 Third week of November

“This gift from god is the most precious creature I have ever seen in my entire minor existence.” “You say that every time you see a ca-““SHE IS!” Adrien was holding Totoro, apparently Ella and Etta were huge Ghibli fans and didn’t care for the sex of their cat, right in front of his face so their noses touched. Nino imagined seeing the same eyes-squinted grinning expression on both his best friend’s and the cat’s face. Every now and then Adrien let out a squeal of joy while snuggling with the British shorthair silver tabby. Marinette was sure she would never see anything that pure and innocent in her whole life ever again. “Can you even imagine the drama if Totoro would have disliked Adrien?” Alya was watching the boys with crossed arms. A shiver went down her spine as Marinette considered that scenario. “Don’t even think about something as terrible as that! I guess it would have completely wrecked his will to live.” She sighed, relieved that they hadn’t had to try to prevent Adrien from drowning in his own desperate tears. “Quite possibly” Alya laughed, nudged Marinette’s shoulder with her own and began to smirk. “You should join the cuddling. Maybe Adrien will end up nuzzling your nose somehow.” In no time Marinette’s face turned flame red, too baffled to stop Alya from pushing her towards the carpet the boys kneeled on. Well, Nino kneeled. Adrien had ended up lying on the ground, Totoro climbing over his chest like it was a part of Mount Everest instead of the body of a model. An affectionate smile replaced the blush of embarrassment on her face and she gathered the courage to sit down next to Nino. “I didn’t even get the chance to pet her” he grumbled jealously. The moment the three of them had entered Alya’s home Totoro had run up to Adrien straightaway, rubbing her head against his legs and meowing in delight. Clearly there was something to Adrien that somehow connected them but Marinette had no idea what it could be. They captivated each other on the spot. Marinette understood Nino’s grudge too well. But Adrien didn’t even realize how grumpy his friends were. “Don’t you think cats are the greatest?” Happily he smiled up to the cat on his chest. “I like turtles” Nino answered deadpanned. “Foxes are definitely the best!” Alya jumped in as she joined her friends serving cookies. Marinette held her hand in front of her mouth and giggled joyfully. She was thankful to whoever blessed her with those quirky, wonderful friends. “What is your favorite animal, Mari?” Adrien asked, averting his eyes from Totoro for the first time this afternoon and smiled at her for a little moment before turning back to the cat. Still counts, Marinette thought proudly before answering. “I like all kinds of animals it’s hard to chose just one…” “She loves every single creature on this earth, our lovely Marinette” Alya chuckled and put an arm around her best friend. “When it comes to favorite earth-creatures those present have a good chance” she responded laughing. At the end of the day Marinette had another entry on her mental list of terrific gatherings with her best friends.

 After an exhausting day full of lectures about being late to class and nearly falling asleep during dinner Marinette allowed herself to take a break on her balcony. As she admired the sight in front of her she spotted a fast shadow approaching. “You again” she said surprised when Chat Noir landed in front of her and bowed. “The path of faith brought me here once again, Princess. Your speech from last week inspired me and I want to learn from the furry best how to Christmas” he explained with an eager smile. “How to… what?” Uncomprehending Marinette tried to understand what Chat was talking about. “Since a flawless hero like me has to live a life in isolation I never experienced Christmas like you described it to me. Would you mind to…” Suddenly he became timid and Marinette was taken aback due to the fact that she never saw him like that before. “…show me to enjoy Christmas the way you do?” The coy and begging smile on his face could just as well belong to a five-year-old. It was impossible to say no to that. Everyone was talking about puppy eyes but no one ever gave warning of kitten eyes! “I’d be honored to pass on my legacy. Even though it’s not that hard, you simply devote yourself to something you like that delectate others too. In my case it’s crafting gifts for my friends and family and I’ll help you find that something for you too but, for my sake, no puns” Marinette imposed her one and only condition. “I thought this was meant to be a time of fun and joy!” Chat protested, causing a cheerful laugh of his newfound master. “Yes, you’re right but since both of us are meant to have fun…” “You think my pawns are hilarious, don’t even try to deny it.” “…let’s try to find something different that both of us will enjoy. Is there anything else you like?” Without a second thought Chat revealed the thing he was already thinking about all day: “I love Totoro.” Panicking over the realization of what he just said he already made up an excuse about how he met Alya’s siblings and their cat but Marinette’s eyes began to shine and she excitedly jumped up and down in front of him. “Really? You do? That’s great! If you want to we can watch it right now!” Chat Noir blinked at her, uncomprehending. Until now he had thought the girls came up with the name for their cat on their own and he had no idea what she was talking about but since it seemed to be a suitable opportunity to keep his identity a secret he tried to play along as best as he could. “Yeah sure, it’s great!” Marinette squealed and looked at him curiously. “What’s your favorite part?” “Uhm… uh… I don’t know… That’s a tough question. Maybe… everything?” Laughing she grabbed his hand and pulled him towards her window. “We’ll watch it right now so you can decide what you like best about it!” After 86 minutes of laughter and tears of joy Chat not only got the origin of his favorite cat’s name but also craved for more Ghibli films. Since Marinette was perfectly fine with that they ended up in a Ghibli marathon all night.

 Last week of November

“Father, my friend Marinette is with me to work on a project together!” Adrien called up the stairs into an empty hallway. To Marinette’s surprise Gabriel Agreste appeared just seconds later and her heart stopped for a second at the sight of her greatest idol who even addressed her directly. “Hello Miss…” “Dupain-Cheng” she blurted out tensed. “Hello Miss Dupain-Cheng. I don’t understand what is withholding my son from studying with my assistant Natalie as usual but I guess as long as it is for school I can accept it.” Adrien didn’t feel the need to correct his father who once nodded his head at them and then disappeared into the hallway as fast as he came. Normally Marinette would have been worried about putting Adrien in trouble but she barely realized what his father had said because she was too overwhelmed by the impressive mansion and its noble furniture. Even though they had planned to meet at his place before Adrien had to postpone their meeting due to extra fencing lessons and all the built-up excitement flooded Marinette at once. “You’re coming?” with an amused smile Adrien startled her out of her thoughts and she saw that he was already halfway up the stairs. “Oh, uhm, sure…” she mumbled embarrassed and hurried up the stairs behind him. Once they settled on Adrien’s comfortable couch he gave her an eager look. “I am ready to learn!” he stated, triggering tension and happiness in Marinette at the same time. “Well… I never taught anyone so don’t expect too much, ok? I don’t want to disappoint you” she responded carefully but Adrien’s expression stayed as cheerful. “I’m certain you won’t. Let’s try this out together! What do you think is a simple thing even I can handle?” Relieved Marinette smiled at him and relaxed, starting to bloom while talking about her passion. “It shouldn’t be a problem for you to modify already existing objects to your heart’s content and it may not sound like it but it’s fun! You can live out your creativity very easily. To begin with something appropriate…” gleefully babbling Marinette scrabbled through her bag until she finally found what she was looking for and proudly handed Adrien a simple white picture frame and a… gun? Adrien’s eyes widen in shock and as soon as she understood where his fright was coming from she uncontrollably started to laugh. “That’s… That’s just a hot glue gun! You never saw one? When it comes to handicrafts it is your very best friend!” Embarrassed Adrien looked to the ground. “In that case I’m going to call it Nino” he tried to distract her from his slip-up, gladly realizing that it worked perfectly. Greatly bushing thanks to his sweet words as always Marinette hurried to continue. “In that case take Nino and some decorations I brought you’d like to stick to the frame. Of course you can paint it previously too but it would be a waste of time to wait for the color to dry so we’ll directly start with the glue.” Gently he interrupted her. “I think that spending time with friends is never a waste of time but I get what you mean. Go on, that’s very promising and encouraging!” That cuteness again. If he would go on like that he would end up accidentally killing her. Marinette had to clear her throat before continuing her explanation. “I have to offer… beads of all kind, glitter, colorful buttons, feathers, small bells and… a lot of other things in fact.” They laughed together and Marinette felt that she grew more and more comfortable and relaxed around him. All in all she slowly but surely grew a little more confident around him. At the end of the afternoon Adrien knew the basics of crafting and Marinette made her way home extremely happy and proud of herself, promoted by a set date for another crafting session.

 “I’m curious Chat.” Prying Marinette advanced towards him. Once again she found herself next to the hero of Paris who grew a habit of visiting her regularly. “Someone’s being a nosy princess” he teased, provoking Marinette to playful huffy crossing her arms. “I only got one question minou. Don’t act like such a jerk!” His smirk softened and turned into a genuine smile “You know you can ask me anything, Mari.” Ignoring the light blush on her cheeks she smiled back. “What… Uhm, what would you like to be if you weren’t a superhero?” Chat looked at her in surprise. He didn’t know what he had expected but it certainly wasn’t a question like that. “Hmmm…” He scratched his chin and narrowed his eyes. “No idea?” laughing Marinette nudged his shoulder with her own and Chat began to laugh too “In fact I’m 100% sure what I want to be but it’s kind of embarrassing.” “What is it?” Marinette asked encouraging, excited for his answer. “A pokemon trainer.” “A… pokemon trainer?” “Yes. Absolutely. No other option.” Marinette blinked in disbelief and Chat got worried that he unsettled her with his nerdy confession. After a few seconds she finally began to beam. “It suits you, minou.” “It does?” he was visibly delighted and relieved. “Yeah, I mean it. Out there looking for adventures and caring for your friends, I can even see it in front of my inner eye.” “You don’t think it’s weird and… awkward?” he asked to reassure and Marinette gave him her ‘Are you serious?’-look. “Chat, I just outed myself as the biggest Ghibli fan there is so, no, that’s not awkward at all. Never be ashamed of the things you love. They make you who you are and I like who you are.” Pondering silence fell upon them. A warm feeling filled Chat’s chest. Rarely someone took his dreams serious, especially his childish ones. But Marinette seemed to understand him and he added it to the reasons why he cherished her. “So” Marinette crossed her legs, leaned even closer to him and looked at him as curious as ever “Which one is your favorite pokemon?” He didn’t even need a second to think about his answer. “Easy. It’s Eevee.” A complacent grin appeared on her lips since she had expected that answer. “Ah, I guess your favorite eeveelution is Umbreon then?” “Purrfectly right my Princess. You seem to understand me incredibly well, I truly appreciate that. But you still have to tell me what’s yours.” Marinette’s face turned bright red. “Mi- mine?” “Of course” Chat laughed. “You obviously know pokemon pretty well. You can’t hide your inner nerd from that super Cat with super vision! Tell me, you have to give me the chance to make a guess too.” Sighing she squared her shoulders and looked straight into his attentive green eyes. “Skitty.” An amused twitch played around the corners of his mouth. “Seriously, that pink little fur ball? You got to be skitten me.” “Shut up you moron” Marinette had to laugh that hard she nearly fell off her chair. “Besides, I guessed right.” “Yeah, sure you did.” “I did!” They spent the rest of the evening talking and laughing a lot without realizing that he started to call her ‘my princess’. But Tikki did.

 First week of December

On the first day of December four nicely wrapped little presents were sitting on the desks of Adrien, Nino, Alya and Marinette. The whole class caught a Christmassy spirit as they saw them while walking into class. Marinette hurried to her desk smiling but stopped as she heard a high-pitched squeal from behind her. She turned around to look at Alya wonderingly but Alya herself stared to another direction. As she followed her gaze Marinette realized who the real origin of the sound was. Nino stood in front of his present, hands pressed to his mouth and almost crying. “But… You didn’t even open it yet.” Adrien put his present back down to the table that he had already grabbed excitedly too so that he could try to calm his best friend down. “It’s so beautiful” he whispered but opened the soft package impatiently. Inside was a self knitted orange and blue striped bobble hat with some sort of flaps on the left and right. Confused he inspected the holes and his eyes widened as soon as he realized they were meant for his headphones. “The one who did this must be a genius” he exhaled impressed. Alya raised an eyebrow at him since he didn’t instantly realize who his Secret Santa was but decided to concentrate on her own gift instead of scolding him for being an idiot. Without further ado she ripped the paper apart and opened the box inside it. Brightly smiling she inspected a piece of paper with a photo and some personal information of her on it. “Wow, this is great, my own journalist pass! I’m officially important now!” she proudly concluded and pinned the badge to her blouse. “I’ll wear that every day so if Ladybug crosses my way she may think I’m worth giving a personal interview to! It’s the perfect plan!” Marinette giggled and Adrien felt a little proud of his idea while opening his own poorly wrapped present. Confused he looked at a chaotic basket with a little awry patchwork blanket inside of it. “What is this…?” he wondered and Nino next to him tried to act as innocent as possible. “Maybeee… it will make sense once you have all presents?” Adrien’s face brightened up without thinking about the fact that Nino more or less revealed himself as his Secret Santa. “It sure will! That makes the whole thing even more thrilling!” Proudly Nino beamed and Marinette had to suppress a laugh while opening her own small present. Inside she found a short ribbon with two pendants on it: a small green paw and a little ladybug. Excitedly she attached it to her phone and held it up to the others. “Look what I got! It’s great!” Nino gave her a thumbs-up and Adrien opened his mouth to congratulate her but was stopped by Madame Bustier’s voice filling the room: “Good morning, children! Let’s start today’s class!” During the whole lesson all of them inspected their gift further and waited for the break to come to brag and discuss about them. And they did. Marinette walked in on Alya and Nino who headed to the cafeteria before her and they seemed to have a serious conversation. She wanted to leave already but then she heard Nino saying her name. “…but also, Marinette!” “Hey, did you call for me?” she joined them but froze as soon as she saw the pale, wide-eyed Nino. “Woah, hold on, what’s going on here?” Alya waved it off and smirked. “Nino’s having a crisis.” “I mean, like” he continued without even realizing Marinette had arrived “she suggested I need a warmer hat but she was talking about a beanie not a bobble hat. So someone else could have used that as an inspiration for my gift. BUT there’s a high chance that it indeed is her! Alya help me I’m going insane.” He was sweating. “Stop torturing yourself, Nino! This is meant to be fun! You still have three weeks to figure your Secret Santa out and you will even get more clues. Relax, you’re not supposed to know it by now.” “But Alya said…” “Alya does not know everything even though she likes to act like it” Marinette interrupted him for his own sake and he already relaxed while Alya next to him stuck her tongue out at her who blew her a kiss. At that moment Adrien came up to them with a huge smile on his face. “Hey guys, are you as excited as I am? I can’t wait for next week!” For the rest of the break they happily chatted with each other, Alya kept chaffing Nino causing Marinette to laugh adorably and Adrien realized something. Throughout the whole Secret Santa event and its preparations he grew closer to Marinette with every day and she finally came over her shyness around him. Of course he had already cherished her but now he experienced how truly pleasant her presence and friendship was. And even though he got to spend more time with her it still wasn’t enough. Luckily for him there was Chat Noir. At the same day Marinette heavy heartedly came to a conclusion too. The more time she spent with Adrien she discovered that she truly admired his presence, as a friend. She had a crush on him for over two years now and he hadn’t shown the slightest bit of interest in her so what could possibly happen to change his platonic feelings towards her? Maybe she should work on that ‘just friends’-thing to be able to spend more, less awkward, time with him.

 To her own surprise and joy Alya’s plan of catching Ladybug’s attention worked out. Since the rules of Secret Santa Marinette Style ™ forbade it to give a present to any other than your giftee Marinette made a plan to rejoice her by admiring her newest achievement. “That badge is pretty cool!” Ladybug gave Alya an accretive look who proudly smiled at her heroine. She puffed up her chest and presented a badge that read ‘VIB – Very Important Blogger’. It looked objectively real. “Isn’t it? A friend of mine made it for me but I don’t know who it was yet. Secret Santa, you know?” She leaned in and whispered as if the following were top secret information. “I guess it’s my best friend though. It seems she made another present too but I just can’t imagine that the boys in the group are… creative enough to be capable of something like that to say the least.” Chat tried very hard to keep a straight face. Aside from needing to keep his identity a secret he didn’t know if he should be insulted about what Alya just said or if he should be proud about the fact that she thought Marinette’s gifted hands created the thing that was actually made by him. Thinking of Marinette… He wanted to visit her again this evening.

 Still musing about her feelings towards Adrien and her resolution to let go of them Marinette stood on her balcony and admired the scenery in front of her. Somewhere along the line her thoughts wandered off to the wonderful moments she had spent there during the last few weeks and how suddenly the person who accompanied her ever since sneaked a way into her life. Making excuses about not knowing “How to Christmas” he joined her on a regular basis as she was working on Christmas presents for her loved ones. Yet again Tikki tried to talk to her about her feelings towards Chat Noir but Marinette wasn’t ready to face the inconvenient truth about the conflict she was in as Ladybug. Maybe it would have been different if she had to work on gifts for Adrien. Maybe it was led by her decision to come over him. Or maybe Adrien hadn’t had the slightest part to play in this. No matter what it was, Marinette fell for Chat. “Princess! I’m here to wish you a happy Christmas Month!” Chat greeted her, startling her out of her thoughts. Nevertheless a bright beam appeared on her face because she was more than happy to see him. Amazed that his words had such a positive impact on her Chat couldn’t help but smile happily as well since her beam was quite infectious. “The same to you, minou! Good to see you” hearing her own affectionate tone she advised herself to pull herself together. Relieved that Chat seemed to not analyze her words she relaxed. “You missed my clawver puns, didn’t you? I knew it, you long for my catchy jokes and my tailent to make you laugh” he blathered and instantly wanted to slap himself. Snap out of it Agreste, it’s just Marinette! No need to be nervous. But the scolding didn’t help at all, his heart beat rapidly against his chest and under his gloves his hands were sweating despite the chill weather. To his surprise Marinette laughed instead of shaking her head annoyed yet amused like he expected her to. “You are terrible, you know that? I would rather call your puns pawful to be honest. Maybe I should look for a new furend to spend my evenings with” teasingly she smirked at him while his eyes widened in disbelief. “Did you just… Did you made…? For me?” An excited smile and a suppressed squeal found their way to Chat’s lips. Even though she intended to do something nice for him she didn’t expect him to get that happy about only two horrible puns. Not that she wanted to complain. His reaction was adorable. “Consider it an early Christmas present” she laughed while motioning at him to enter her room. “It’s the best gift you could have pawsibly made me, Purriii-” She pushed him into her room. “Enough is enough” she said before following him. But secretly she thought to herself that she could get used to that silly, loveable kitty curling up on her bed. And he didn’t want to leave it anytime soon either.

 Second week of December

“Fancy!” Alya stated as she immediately put on the orange mask she found inside the sparkling box she just opened. Marinette inspected it impressed too. She recognized the mask from her favorite store she recommended to Adrien and was quite proud of how he customized it. The painting wasn’t perfectly symmetrical but it still looked pretty good. Deciding that she sufficiently examined her student’s work she finally opened her own present. Silently she stared at the photo inside her hands. Everyone knew that she loved Alya with all of her heart but this present freaked her out. Shocked she looked at a photo of herself standing in front of the Eiffel Tower right next to Chat Noir and… herself. She blinked. Alya had photoshopped the two heroes of Paris into a photo of Marinette she took a few weeks ago. Gawking at the picture she was afraid that she was unable to pretend that she liked it even a bit. She just looked at her face and her face and it gave her goose bumps over her whole body. Apparently she couldn’t believe that Alya spent so much time editing the photo and still didn’t recognize her. Or did she?! Warily she looked at her best friend. “I can’t remember that ever happened” she nervously said to her friend. “I know that you met Chat Noir but did you ever meet Ladybug?” Alya asked without really paying attention while looking at her mask through her selfie camera. “Maybe one day you will really stand next to our heroine” she winked and Marinette wasn’t sure if she should be offended that her best friend still hadn’t get it even though she must have spent hours with Marinette’s face next to Marinette’s face but she was too glad to even care. It was nothing to make believe her relieved happiness was thanks to the present. She wrapped her arms around Alya’s neck. “Thank you so much!” “Who said it’s from me?” Alya shrugged but smirked at her. In front of them Nino barely could hold back the tears as he looked at the poster with a logo Marinette had designed just for him. Behind a graphic of Nino’s headphones a red vinyl shimmered due to the color she had used. The picture was surrounded by a quote of him she had always liked very much: ‘All I need is friends, family and music!’ Next to him Adrien inspected some ugly grey felt shaped like mice. At the sight Alya wrinkled her nose and Marinette began to feel bad for him but Adrien seemed to be perfectly happy with it. “I have no idea what’s going on but I still love it” he said cheerfully and everyone was impressed by his unconditional trust and love he had for his friends.

 Later that day Marinette once again found Chat Noir on her balcony and invited him in on condition of no puns for at least that evening. Grudgingly he agreed but both of knew that he wouldn’t stick to his word but it didn’t matter because they also knew that Marinette didn’t mean it. In consequence of him spending a lot of time inside of her room over the past few weeks Chat straightaway recognized the new frame on Marinette’s desk. In school he hadn’t had the chance to look at it so he inspected the picture interested and ended up genuinely confused. “I can’t remember that this ever happened?” he said, scratching the back of his head. He wouldn’t forget about saving Marinette and taking a picture afterwards, would he? Guilt built up inside of him but it vanished as soon as Marinette began to laugh. “That’s just what I was thinking! But a friend of mine made it, it’s photoshopped.” Chat smirked and took his chance to show off a little. “I guess I could arrange something to actually take a picture like that.” Marinette laughed it off nervously because no matter how incredible his powers were he definitely couldn’t arrange that. “Nah, I already spend more than enough time with you and I met Ladybug a few times so I think I can live with that one.” “You’re lying.” Afraid Marinette looked up to him. Did he figure it out at least? But he just wiggled his eyebrows. “One could never spend enough time with me.” “Please shut up” Marinette laughed relieved and loaded the cheesiest Christmas movie she could find into her computer: Love Actually. Today Chat would learn about the sentimental feeling of Christmas.

 “I am ready for something more difficult!” Adrien announced as soon as he was standing inside of Marinette’s room, his posters long gone. Unsure she motioned him to sit down on her second chair. “Are you sure? It’s only two more weeks until Christmas.” With a motivated grin on his face Adrien nodded and settled down next to her. “I learned from the very best and I’m certain I can try something more complicated! But not too hard please” he backtracked and Marinette giggled quietly. Then she had a sudden inspiration. “I have the perfect idea!” she said, hurried to her cupboard and rummaged through it for a while. Suddenly she threw a pair of fluffy socks at him that he managed to catch before it hit his face. “Socks?” he asked wondering as Marinette came back to her desk with her sewing box. “Yes, socks! It’s quite easy to sew a plushie with a sock. Let me show you…” Delighted Adrien watched her as she transformed the sock into the head of a black cat. Firstly she drew the shape of a cat on the sock and then sewed the outline. After that she cut it out, turned the inside out and stuffed it with some fiberfill until it looked squashy and cute. He had to admit that it indeed seemed to be easy but Adrien had the presumption that it would be harder for him as it was for her. Throughout the whole process he kept asking her questions and he intently watched every step as she showed him how to backstitch. “It may not work perfectly the first time you try to do it but a pair is made out of two socks for a reason” she winked and giggled cheerfully and if anyone would see Adrien’s affectionate smile they would instantly know what kind of feelings he developed for her. Tikki nearly had a breakdown. Unfortunately he had to leave for Chinese lessons but maybe it wouldn’t take long for a certain superhero to visit Marinette. On his way home Adrien bought 6 pairs of socks.

 Third week of December

Deep in thought Adrien inspected the present he found inside the little box that lied on his desk that day. “What’s that? A bracelet? A keychain?” He narrowed his eyes and intensely tried to solve the mystery. “Maybe you’ll get it once you get your last present?” Nino next to him said, unsuccessfully trying to not sound too suspicious again. “I guess…” Adrien answered barely paying attention to him. There was another person barely paying attention to the whole scene: Marinette. She looked at the nicely decorated sketchbook inside her hands. It was red, had green paws and black dots all over it and some glittering highlights. A pink Logo said ‘Marinette’s greatest ideas’. Tearing up she quietly stared at it for straight 5 minutes while Alya watched her happily smiling. Since it was clear that her best friend loved her present Alya decided it was time to wrap up her own gift. She squealed as she held some kind of lasso in her hands. “I’m a true superhero now too!” Excited she shook Marinette before she posed epically in front of the class. In the meantime Nino had another breakdown. “But I need to wear my glasses! All your work goes to waste!” he cried out in agony, dramatically holding the spectacle case he got up to the sky. Before anyone could try to calm him down he made up his mind. “You know what? Whoever you are, your effort will be appreciated!” He took off his gasses and put them inside the case. “I will not be able to see anything today but that’s totally worth it!” He stood up again and tried to sit back down on his seat but the whole class watched him nearly falling over the backrest. Hurryingly Adrien stood up to guard his best friend to his seat. “Thanks man” Nino said and blinked, looking slightly past him. “You should really put your glasses back o-“ “No! My Secret Santa will be appreciated!” Marinette giggled. Of course she was a little worried about him but Nino was too dorky and adorable to be serious about that and she was sure Adrien would take good care of him.

 “You’re a Marinette-Elf! A Marielf!” Chat Noir said excitedly, inspecting her hat, skirt and shoes while circling her. “I’ll definitely hold on to that nickname” he decided, ignoring her disapproving snort. She had known it would be a mistake to show herself to him like that but she was really proud of her design and for some reason she wanted to present it to him. “Where did you buy it?” Chat asked after his 5th round around her. “Excuse me?” she revolted with her hands on her hips. “Where did you get the costume? I would love to dress up with you” he admitted sheepishly but she was too offended to realize how sweet he was. “Chat, I made it myself” she clarified deadpanned. Wide-eyed he circled her another 5 times and inspected it even more precisely. “Oh my god Princess, I am so sorry! Marinette, that’s impressive! It looks professional and it is really well sewn. Of course I knew you’re good but why didn’t you tell me that you are a genius?” Actually Marinette wanted to tease him and ask him why he had thought so poorly of her but his admiration embarrassed her and she proudly flushed as he stepped extremely close to her to look at the pattern she stitched on her collar. Her breath caught with his face just a few inches away from her own and he slowly looked up as he realized how near her face was, how closer her lips were. For a few seconds they got caught up in each other’s eyes and while Chat noticed that the clear blue of Marinette’s had a calming influence on him she decided that the vivid green she lost herself in was from now on her uncontested favorite color. Eventually Chat shrunk back from her as if he just burned his hands on her body. In fact it exactly felt like that. Heat crept through his whole body from where he touched Marinette despite his gloves and he began to laugh nervously. “Well, Princess… ha… uhm, what do you want to t-teach me today?” he stammered, feeling like an awkward idiot who saw a beautiful girl for the first time in his entire life. “Wearing ridiculous costumes” she exhaled still paralyzed staring at him. The situation and the emotions that unexpectedly flooded him were too much for him so he followed his cat instincts and did the only thing he was able to manage at this moment: running away. “In that case I already passed my lesson for today, didn’t I? That comes in handy because I forgot I… I need to be somewhere. See you soon!” And with that, he was gone. For way too long Marinette kept staring at the spot where Chat stood before, only one frightening thought screaming at her: She had a helpless crush on Chat Noir.

 Marinette couldn’t stand it any longer, she needed to talk to someone about her confusing feelings. Too late she realized that Alya may not have been the best choice. “He’s just a flirt.” “He is not!” “You are the one dating him after all” Alya smirked at Marinette who rolled her eyes. “I am not.” Alya shrugged “But you want to. And in that case you totally have a crush on said flirt.” “I told you he is not a flirt! He tries his best to be a gentleca- man. A gentleman.” Oh no. There was no way Alya would ever let go of what she just said. Unsurprisingly her best friend’s eyes widened, her mouth fell open and her ‘I don’t really care’-attitude was gone within a single second. “Were you just about to say gentlecat? Are you freaking kidding me, Marinette?” Bright red Marinette avoided eye contact and fumbled at her purse with Tikki inside of it. Come to think of it she should have rather talked to her in the first place. “I didn’t… I wasn’t… Seriously that was not what I was going to say!” Finally Alya managed to regain her composure and shot Marinette a knowing grin. “Whatever you say girl. Oh, for your interest, you didn’t even deny that you have a thing for Chat Noir at all.” With a resigned sigh Marinette slid down her chair. “I don’t have the power to do that. Please give me a break.” Laughing Alya patted her best friend’s head to at least comfort her a little. Neither of them noticed Adrien sitting in his chair as straight as a post. He had heard everything. For the last few days two strong feelings accompanied him on every step he took: the urge to confess his affection towards Marinette and the painful dread of being rejected by her. Nevertheless at that very moment he made the decision to tell Marinette how deeply he felt for her. Persuading himself that as Chat Noir he could deal with it if she dismissed him and that he could try harder as Adrien gave him all the courage he needed.

 Last week of December

This week no one found a present on their desk, the friends had agreed to get to the finally on Christmas Day. A little disappointed the rest of the class compelled them to report every present to them since they witnessed the whole thing from the beginning and wanted to know how it ended too. Except for Chloé of course. On the last day of school Rose handed every single classmate a little personalized Christmas card while Mylène served various cookies and Kim refused the bet that he wouldn’t miss a single one of them. Marinette loved the team spirit of her class and knew for sure that she would miss them dearly throughout vacation but she was too excited to feel sad. Alya, Nino and Marinette planned to meet on Christmas Day to deliver the last gifts and even though Adrien wasn’t sure if his father would let him go he assured his friends that he would somehow find a way. That statement worried his friends more than it eased them but they couldn’t change his mind so they decided to just enjoy the holidays.

 “Come out already!” Marinette hid out of sight of her window. So far she was not ready to face Chat Noir after what happened the week before, she needed more time to figure her feelings out. “Tikki, what should I do? He knows I’m home but I… I can’t talk to him!” With an understanding smile her Kwami snuggled up to her. “I get that it’s hard Marinette but you don’t want to be as shy around Chat as you were around Adrien, do you? Is it worth to-“ “Princess! Please, I have to tell… show you something!” “Gosh, he’s stubborn. What did you want to say?” slightly annoyed Marinette faced Tikki again. “It’s just that I’m concerned that you’ll be unhappy about-“ “I know that you can hear me Marielf. It’s urgent, come on!” Questioningly Tikki looked at her. “You don’t want to go see him? Not at all?” Conflicted Marinette began to waffle. “It’s not like I’m completely aga-“ “I am freezing, you know?” Eventually an upset moan escaped Marinette’s lips and she tucked a blanket around her shoulders as she rushed furiously towards her balcony. “Chat, I swear to god I’m gonna…” She popped her head out of the window but froze in her tracks as she saw Chat’s face right in front of hers. Suspiciously she looked up and there it was, fatefully hanging above them: a mistletoe. “Woops” Chat whispered. “Guess we have to do it since it’s a very strict Christmas rule and I just learned that you have to stick to those.” He already leaned in but Marinette grabbed the green branch and threw it away. “I’m not going to kiss you because of such a stupid thing!” Seeing his deeply pained expression made her say the next sentence earlier than she had planned to. “I’m going to kiss you because I want to” she corrected under her breath, quickly wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him towards her. Both of them felt the smile on the others lips as they finally met gently. It was a cute, soft kiss but it was all they could ever wish for.

 Christmas Day

Adrien spent the next day with his head up in the clouds. All day long he felt the memory of her kiss on his lips, thought about the enchanting blue of her eyes and heard her laugh in his ears. Never before had he experienced such a fuzzy, tickling feeling and he knew that this had to be love. But his high spirit got dumped just a few hours after his first kiss. “Adrien.” His father looked down at him and Adrien was afraid of what he had to say. It was a rare occasion that his father spoke to him personally instead of delivering news through Nathalie except for when they were dining together. If he was completely honest to himself Adrien already knew what his father had to say but he fought back the disappointment and instead kept his hope alive until his father continued. “I have to excuse myself this evening. A… situation appeared and I have a lot of work to do. I’m aware it is the second year we have to miss your mother and I genuinely regret this unfortunate situation.” Adrien gulped. Don’t cry. “But we’ll still have dinner together. Just… a little earlier. I’ll spend Christmas with my son nevertheless”, his father added quickly as he saw his son trying to hide how deeply hurt he was. Even Gabriel Agreste couldn’t let his son feel so bad on Christmas so he reluctantly made a decision and sighed. “You may even spend the evening with your friends. Just be back home in time.” After that showing of emotions he left immediately and Adrien was too overwhelmed to stop him. He knew exactly where he wanted to spend his Christmas Eve. Or rather: With whom.

 Dinner with his father was unexpectedly amusing and light-hearted. Obviously his father tried his very best to make it up to his son that he would not be able to spend Christmas Eve with him by trying to even joke around a little. Of course he wasn’t funny at all but Adrien appreciated the effort he made. Maybe the unexpected meeting his father had to participate in was the best thing that could have happened, Adrien couldn’t remember of when he had so much fun with his father before so it didn’t matter if it was Christmas Eve or Christmas Noon. In addition he was super excited to meet his friends and especially Marinette later. He had never spent a holiday with friends before and the anticipation flooded through his body with every heartbeat.

 Christmas at the Dupain-Chengs was the purest thing Adrien ever experienced. The love they had for each other was sensible in every word they spoke and every gesture they made. There was not a single moment anyone seemed stressed, annoyed left alone angry. Even when Tom forgot to get the dough for his Bûche de Noël out of the oven in time due to a video game he and Adrien lost against Marinette he laughed about it full-heartedly. Now Adrien knew where all the warm feelings Marinette had to spread were coming from. This little flat near Notre Dame was filled with more affection on only one evening than the mansion Adrien called home had been since his mother disappeared. He truly felt like he was part of the family. Knowing that the comfy homey feeling he felt in every inch of his body wouldn’t last he enjoyed it to the fullest. After all it was impossible anyway to not be extremely happy spending the whole time right next to Marinette. “You haven’t opened your present yet, Adrien!” Sabine complained and handed him a nicely wrapped round package. “My what now?” Adrien asked bewildered and Sabine giggled nearly as cute as her daughter did. “You’re our guest and we like having you here! Of course we prepared a little something for you.” Adrien couldn’t believe it. The evening got even better. “But… I asked if I could spend the night here just three hours ago. How could you find me a present in that time?” Heavy-weighted Tom placed his hands on Adrien’s shoulders. “It’s nothing big but we want you to feel truly welcome here. Open it already!” Marinette’s encouraging smile sealed the deal. Excited Adrien ribbed the paper apart and held a little jar in his hands. Inside of it were cookies and if that wasn’t enough he realized they were shaped like cats as soon as he wanted to try one. “Oh my, thank you so much! That’s incredible nice of you but I don’t think I can eat them. They’re adorable.” Tom proudly put an arm around his wife as she gladly smiled about the fact that Adrien liked his present while Marinette threw her arms around him. His heart stopped. “In that case I’m going to make you more cookies in any shape you want!” she laughed and Adrien wanted to tell her so badly how cute she was but he couldn’t. He wanted to tell her that he was the one she kissed just yesterday and that he wanted to do exactly that right now. He wanted to tell her the truth, that he was Chat Noir and that he was the one who loved her. But not a single sound made it over his lips. Fortunately the bell rang at that very moment. “Alya and Nino are finally here!” Marinette cheerfully sprinted towards the door, leaving Adrien alone with his complicated thoughts. A few moments later Nino startled him out of his thoughts. “Dude, you’re coming?” Quickly Adrien followed his friend to Marinette’s room where she and Alya were already chatting cheerfully. It seemed like they were talking about Totoro but Adrien was too distracted to even realize that. “Okay I can’t take it anymore you need to open your present right now! You know I’m your Secret Santa anyway.” Eventually Alya handed Marinette an oversized present. Gasping she took it hesitantly. “Oh my god Alya, what’s that?” “You know the thing is you have to open it” laughing Alya pushed it towards her and slowly Marinette unwrapped the gift. It was a huge framed screenshot that threw the bold headline ‘THE GREAT MARINETTE BLOG!’ to its reader’s faces. Some of Marinette’s designs were spread over the page and Alya wrote down a list of things ‘Everyone has to love about Marinette Dupain-Cheng’. In the middle was another headline above a photo of them: ‘Does she have the best friend in the world or what?’ “She does!” Marinette squealed and threw herself into Alya’s arms. “Thank you, thank you, thank you! This will definitely get a special place on my wall. I love it! I love everything! I love you!” “You’re next!” Regardless of the cuddling going on Nino passed a package to Adrien. Realizing that it wasn’t official yet that Adrien was his giftee Nino got afraid he screw the whole gift exchange and made up a pity excuse. “I… uhm, I found it over there… It had your name on it… so I guess… it’s from your Secret Santa?” The gift did not even have a name tag on it but Adrien was too excited to notice and quickly opened the present. “What is that even supposed to be?” Alya crocked an eyebrow at the… thing in his hands. “It’s a cat!” he answered without missing a beat. “… a cat?” “Yeah, sure! It is obviously a cat.” “Obviously!” Nino emphasized Adrien’s statement. He was holding a stuffed black sock, two corks glued to each side, two buttons poorly sewn to what Alya considered the front as it seemed slightly thicker than the rest of the ‘body’ and some loosen strains of wool were tucked to it at the other end. It did not have ears though. Obviously Nino could have used Marinette’s help too. “Moreover it is a gorgeous little kitty” Adrien added. And he meant it. “Adrien, please tell me you didn’t draw your own name and kept quiet to not cause us any trouble and please tell me you were not making these crappy gifts for yourself.” “Crappy?!” An offended yell escaped Nino’s lips. “They’re made with love! … Wait, I just revealed myself. Now he knows that his Secret Santa is neither Marinette nor you. It’s obvious now, I screwed up everything!” “It’s already been obvious, babe.” “No!” “Yes. It’s been as obvious as your Secret Santa since the very moment you opened your first present.” “No, it wasn’t!” “Nino, I can’t even knit. And I guess neither can Adrien.” “Maybe I was in the misconception of believing that both of you loved me enough to learn it for my sake.” “Nino, you can’t be serious. Since it’s obvious that I am Marinette’s Secret Santa yours could only be Mari herself or Adrien and you cannot convince me that anyone would assume that Adrien is capable of creating the gifts you got! No offense” she added with a short glance to Adrien. “None taken” he laughed. “People are full of surprises, Alya! I believe that everyone has an unexpected hidden talent inside of them. Also I got that excited that I couldn’t think straight” he added quietly. “Yeah, that’s obvious” Alya answered after a victorious laugh. “I get it now!” Adrien suddenly interrupted her. “A basket, cat toys and a collar! You made sure that I would be able to secure a comfy home for my new kitty friend and that it has everything it needs! You’re at least as precious as this little boy right here” Proud and happy Adrien beamed at his best friend. “Aw, man!” Nino clenched one hand to his chest and started to tear up while Adrien put an arm around his shoulders. “These guys…” Alya shook her head while Marinette giggled next to her. Before Nino could start to cry Marinette decided to step in. “Do you want your gift now too?” “YES!” he said a little too loud without hesitation so she handed it to him. Within seconds Nino opened it and revealed a fictile trophy that looked like a Grammy Award. “Best musician in any universe and all dimensions - ever” Nino read out loud and looked at Marinette, tearing up again. “Dude. How can you expect me to act all stoic while all of you are being cute as hell?!” He threw his hands up in despair before putting his glasses down to dab his eyes with the tissue Alya offered him. Coughing slightly Adrien took out the last Secret Santa present of the year. “So it really is you” Alya whistled impressed as she reached out to take it and started to unwrap it. Adrien flushed a little, scratched the back of his neck embarrassed and avoided her eyes but smiled brightly due to her surprised gasp. “I did everything on my own! But I had great help when it comes to instructions” he smiled at Marinette who would have been proud of him if the plush Alya was currently holding wouldn’t have been a Kwami. It was possible that he miserably failed the proportions of an actual fox or he did very well at Kwami proportions. “It’s a side kick!” Adrien explained unsure why Marinette looked so shocked. “Isn’t it time to go back to your families?” Marinette heard herself saying while her thoughts circled around one question. “Unfortunately yes. It got kinda late so I have to leave… But we’ll see each other tomorrow, right?” Alya asked with a hopeful smile. “Of course! Say Merry Christmas to your family for me, would you?” While the girls hugged each other Nino faced Adrien who was still worried about Marinette’s reaction. “Man, I’m still kinda sad that you’re spending this big day with her family instead of mine but I get it that it’s too crowded at my place with the whole family for you. Save some Christmassy happiness for me, would you?” “Of course” Adrien laughed and for a moment he thought that he was only overreacting but as soon as Nino and Alya were out of the door Marinette expression got serious and she dragged him back to her room. “How did you come up with the sidekick?” she asked as innocently as possible. Surprised he looked at her. “What do you mean? You showed me how to easily sew plush toys with socks and that’s exactly what I did” he explained, wondering what she wanted to hear. “Yeah but… why did you chose these proportions? It looked… quirky.” “Oh… well I guess that’s all I was capable of” he tried to laugh it off. When he decided to sew Alya a Kwami he was sure no one would get suspicious since they had no idea what Kwamis were much less what they looked like. “Yeah, makes sense” Marinette answered without a trace of amusement in her voice. Nervously Adrien tried to withstand her observing look but he failed and his eyes darted to his bag where he assumed Plagg being asleep as usual. “Ha!” Marinette blurted out and sprinted to the bag to rip it open. Helplessly Adrien reached out his hand in an attempt to stop her but he could only watch her, now paralyzed. Even though she already expected it she stared at the black cat-like Kwami inside bewildered. It yawned. “Hey kiddo, why did youuuuuuuuuu…” It’s already huge eyes widened even more as it saw Marinette. “Too late now to act like a doll, isn’t it?” With a resigned sigh he flew up to be on eye-level with her. “Hello Marinette. My name is…” “Plagg. I know. Tikki mentioned you before.” Plagg’s jaw dropped open while Adrien finally overcame his state of shock and hurried towards them and grabbed Plagg, laughing nervously. “Hahaha, Marinette that’s kind of embarrassing, you found my… You know that’s just a toy that… Wait. Who’s Tikki?” ‘And how does she know about Kwamis, Plagg in particular?’ he added mentally. The situation freaked him out, he had no idea what was happening. Already opening her mouth Marinette intended to explain but she was stopped by a red flash that dashed towards Plagg from a hidden corner of her room. It happened too fast for Plagg to elude so he got caught up in a tight hug from Tikki, her voice even higher pitched than usual. For the first time since he met him Adrien heard something like a giggle from Plagg as he snuggled up to his red companion. Adrien didn’t know which fact bewildered him more: Marinette holding a Kwami or Plagg being delighted at shown affection towards him. And then it hit him. “Wait… wait. Waitwaitwait. That would mean that you… you are…” “Yes, Chat.” “You are… You are… I mean it would mean that you are…” “Chaton!” “But… You are- wait! You are…” “Tikki, I hate to interrupt your reunion but spots on for the sake of that adorable dork.” Dumbfounded Adrien stared at Marinette. Ladybug. Who was Marinette. She waited for him to react in any way but he just stood there, frozen. For more than 40 seconds and Marinette got nervous. “Minou? Could you say something?” “Howcanyoubesocalmrightnow?” he squealed. “I guess I kind of hoped it was you…?” she admitted quietly and sheepishly looked down. Finally Adrien moved and walked up to her. She looked up to him. “I couldn’t have wished for this in my wildest dreams” Adrien whispered under his breath, took her face in his hands and kissed her. “Oh my… I’m so happy right now.” Smiling Marinette nuzzled his nose with her own and Adrien happily leaned in to touch foreheads. Neither of them realized how long they were standing there but suddenly Marinette drew back. “Oh wait, I got a present for you!” Excitedly Marinette rummaged through her drawer while Adrien watched her delighted. “You were not allowed to prepare a gift for me. It’s an official rule of Secret Santa Marinette Style ™, remember?” “I didn’t know it was you, remember?” she responded, slightly annoyed. “Oh yeah. I guess you didn’t break a rule. But I did!” he beamed brightly at her and proudly handed her a small package wrapped in pink at the same time Marinette gave him a small box in light green. “You dishonored my baby!” she yelled and threw her present at him. As he caught the soft piece he walked over to her and put his arms around her. “I wanted to make you something special. And Chat Noir did not participate so… It’s absolutely fine.” “I guess” she answered trying to hide her smile but Adrien cupped her face and kissed her again. “Now open it!” he said excitedly and she began to laugh. Since she really wanted to know what it was she ripped the paper apart. “Oh my god! This is… open yours.” “We are meant for each other. That’s the purrfect purresent, Purrincess” Adrien whispered into her ear and Marinette had to fight the urge to slap and to kiss him at the same time. “You’re not even in costume right now” she complained and he grinned roguishly grinned at her. “You have to deal with the Chat Noir inside of me all the time now.” She leaned towards him and smirked. “I guess I can only just live with that.” And with that she decided to give in to the urge to kiss her silly cat. “But… you know Umbrion’s details aren’t green but ye-“ “It’s shiny, ok?” she interrupted him. “And I mean… Do you really think Skitty looks like this?” she held up the sock plush he made for her. He smirked. “But you still love it.” She beamed at him. “I do indeed.”

“Merry Christmas, my Lady.” “Merry Christmas, my love.”

You did it! It’s over! I am still sorry and I still hope you like it! You’re great!

(also thanks to @midnight1217 and @reyawoodelf because without them this wouldn’t have come to an end and I would have been completely lost)

[hollerace]

Ace, Cheese and the Star--January 22, 2021

I was in the “this drum for hire” mode. A stint with a soulful woman from the city (There’s only one. City, that is.). A folk-rock band who played only for friends, so they were liked by few. An act with a passel of horns with hard, r&b underpinnings and fetid, doubleknit stage costumes. Even a stint in the pit at a local theater (The frenzied, amusical “artistic” director would scream, “BAND GO!” at rehearsals). I really enjoyed the Cheese Russell gigs. He had this loosely knit, scuffling, skiffling outfit. Cheese managed the vocals and a bit of harmonica. Copious amounts of Tanqueray fueled his performances, closely monitored by his girlfriend, who was an immaculately turned-out Wall Streeter, seamlessly blonde and forever in control. Peggy provided a stark contrast to Cheese, who resembled a human unmade bed, a big rumple of a man whose goal in life was to induce in others the jollity that he himself exuded, seemingly at all times. Cheese Russell had the unique ability to win over any audience, anywhere. We’d do bluesy shuffles and funky expeditions. He feared no genre and attacked them all with a weird mix of brashity and balls-to-the-walls cheerfulness. Peggy managed to procure decent gigs. The dingy bars were few and far between. Often, we’d journey to the northern climes of New England to play for kids from financially gifted environments at small schools where excellence—and fun—were strictly moderated. We’d travel in a well-worn, former special-ed bus. Peggy piloted. I’m not sure whether Cheese was allowed to do so. The vehicle was kitted out quite nicely. One particular foray took place early in the school year, on an pristine field hockey venue at a suitably tweedy college in Massachusetts. I learned multiple acts were booked for a “welcome back” event of forced enjoyment for the young scholars. I claimed an embracing easy chair between my bass drum and the Hammond B-3, which organ Cheese owned and required players to master. The band that day was Cheese’s usual amalgam of players. I know we had Beefsteak Osborne on the B-3, a solid cat. I was less sanguine about our bassist, simply known as Riley. A modestly talented player, Riley seemed more thrilled with the music business than actually honing his skills on his selected instrument. Riley was a former rugby jock with broad-shouldered, Sellecky good looks. He didn’t mind the female attention he’d get at every venue, either. On the bus, he exclaimed: “We’re opening up for Dalton Willow today. Cool.” This didn’t faze me, but it rankled our leader, who snapped: “We are The Cheese Russell Band. Cheese doesn’t ‘open’ for anyone. He’s lucky we’re here.” I had heard of this Willow character. He played solo, strumming wan ballads that college kids favored, since the tunes had little content. One song, “Sunday Funday” had reached the airwaves in certain parts of the country. I had heard the harmless ditty once or twice. The Cheese bus contained enough years of grizzled talent that Dalton Willow didn’t impact the crazed paths we each had committed to following. No matter. A beautiful Sunday lay ahead. One quick set and gone. Peggy always took care to put ample jingle in our pockets. She doled out the gin, tonic and limes in just the right doses to get Cheese limbered up, but with at least two wheels on the track. As two flanneled, weight-advantaged Vermont girls warbled folk songs, I set my kit up behind the stage. There would be at least two more acts before we hit. I took my time. Peggy, pristine in cashmere and camel, saw to Cheese. “These kids think I’m someone’s aunt,” she remarked to me at one college gig. A pressed-jean guy wearing myriad laminated backstage passes from various small-time venues seemed to be directing traffic backstage. “You, over there,” he barked to no one in general, “are you with Cheese Russell?” Cheese rolled his eyes, took a deep swill and said, “I AM Cheese Russell. Relax, buddy.” This discomfited the laminati man somewhat. He said, “I am Dalton’s manager, and we can’t have people roaming around back here. Dalton is the headliner and he requires…”

By this time, Cheese’s back was turned. He lit a Lucky as the manager fumed. Peggy quickly intervened to mollify. I went about my business of unfolding, tightening and securing, as I had done so many times before.

A guy approached me as I worked. He said, “You’re Ace Holleran, aren’t you?”

Whoa. I didn’t expect this so far north. I assented. He said, “I saw you at McCall’s in New York with Darlene Sanders. Nice drums.”

We shook. “Cool,” I said. “What’s your name?” The guy stepped back and offered me a perplexed look. “Why, I’m Dalton.” As in “howdareyounotknowwhoIam.”

I feigned fandom. For a second. Then, I figured that I had been in the biz long enough to brook  such nonsense. I challenged: “What’s your real name? Can’t be Dalton Willow. Come on, man.”

He looked at the ground, almost ashamed. “It’s  Harold. Harold Kisch.”I as

ked, “What about ‘Sunday Funday’? Are you tired of playing it?”

He said, “Yeah, but…”

I replied, “Then don’t do it today. Play one of your newer tunes, something you like better.”

Harold/Dalton began to protest. His manager stepped in. “YOU CAN’T TALK TO HIM! THAT’S DALTON WILLOW, POLYGRAND RECORDING ARTIST! Dalton, come get into your stage clothes!”

I met Mr. Laminate’s glare with a dismissive middle digit and got my gear sorted.

Per usual, Cheese confused his audience in the early going. These young listeners, fueled mainly by cheap wine, were not used to hearing Curtis Mayfield and J. Geils. In reality, they must have thought the Supremes assayed real soul music.

But through our leader’s insistent goading (and vicious harp licks), the students began to come around. Even extremely pale, rhythmically challenged girls tried to dance to “The World Is a Ghetto” and “Superfly”. In the end, hundreds of young Episcopalians asked for an encore.

Riley looked elated, smiling for a passel of adoring coeds. As I packed up, Peggy asked us if we wanted to stay for Dakota Willow. Cheese was settling into post-gig lassitude and Riley, who was working a bosomy young scholar, pleaded with me.

I added, “Ok, Riley. But I’ll betcha ten that he doesn’t do his hit.” The bassist took the wager. He had already found blanket space with his paramour.

A few feet away, Dalton Willow, clad in a confusing medley of buckskin, brandished a ridiculously expensive Martin guitar and prepared to serenade his homogenous public.

At the rear of the crowd, after getting buttonholed by the lubricated lacrosse team (and newfound Cheese fans), I settled back with a Ballantine ale and watched a minor rock star play at earnest while the sun set.

I must admit, some of the songs weren’t half bad. DW warbled about his dog, an old VW van and a lost girlfriend whose name might have been Mary (I couldn’t follow the lyrics). To my delight, he didn’t attempt his “hit.” As he finished up, most of the students had left for their deluxe townhouses on campus.

The ovation was paltry; the manager was furious. I could hear him as we got on our bus, upbraiding the leathery balladeer (“Are you kidding me? That song is your living!”) I caught one last view of the former Harold Kisch. He gave me a thumbs-up and a wink.

On the way, before I dozed, I said, “Riley that’s ten you owe me.”

***

Within the next year, I emigrated to Los Angeles. Not long after, Beefsteak Osborne sent me a newspaper clipping. It seems a school bus driven by one Margaret Flannery had been sideswiped by an errant oil truck on a rural Vermont highway. Her lone passenger, one Marlon (Marlon?) Russell, died on the spot.

Later in my career, I drove to a producer’s home in Malibu to discuss an upcoming album. I tuned the juke to a rock station. I found myself intrigued by a newer, uptempo tune by established stars, the Desperadoes. The DJ purred, “A bit of trivia for you listeners. That song was written by one ‘H. Kisch.’ He might be better known to some of you folks back East as one-hit wonder Dalton Willow.” 

[peaky-blinders-lit]

2, 14, 33, 34, 39, 61, 65, 70, 74, 98, 100!

lol that’s a lot

2. Think of the last person who hurt you. Do you forgive them? Not a chance buddy, I’m a pro at keeping grudges for actual years

14. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Definitely emotional. I’ve had years to think about this and the answer is 100% emotional

33. Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Yep, but not the person I wished had feelings for me :( this is such a stupid problem lol

34. Has anyone ever told you that you have pretty eyes? Yes! My eyes are blue but my left eye has flecks of green towards the center and my right eye has flecks of gray

39. Has anyone upset you in the past week? You betcha! I’m a sensitive person who cries if someone looks at me the wrong way lol

61. Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? Definitely–cuddled up on the couch with the guy I like 

65. This time last year, can you remember who you liked? This time last year I liked the same guy I like now, and I have exactly the same shot of being with him (0%)

70. How many windows are open on your computer? I’m in the middle of 3 final projects for school plus research for debate so the answer is 4 Safari windows with a total of 31 tabs (I’m not making this up and yes I am ashamed of myself), one Spotify window, one Mail window, one Inkscape window, three Verbatim windows, and one Slack window for a grand total of 11 windows holy fuck what am I doing with my life

74. Where is your mum right now? No idea, she told me she was going out a while ago and ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

98. Everyone has someone who makes them happy, do you? Yes, and although I don’t see him every day at school, it makes me happy just knowing he’s in the building :)

100. Who was the last person you pinky-promised? My debate partner, who makes me pinky-promise not to tell anyone what he’s about to say before he tells me something petty lol

[michael-radi-the-glamorous-life]

Shut That Window 'Cause...

…it’s getting DRAFTY IN HERE!!

Yes, okay, I hate myself just a little bit for that one too. But I thought it was cute. Anywho…

Today I want to talk about the [grueling] process that is drafting. And I don’t mean in a graphic design sense (drawing is not a strength of mine). I mean it more in the sense of: sitting down to write a thing that you’ve been thinking about for a long time and have really wanted to write but haven’t had the time and/or motivation to do so but you’ve finally found the time or at least have now cleaned the entire apartment four times and done your taxes and solved world hunger so I guess now there’s nothing left to do but actually write the thing which you should want to write anyway since it’s your passion and you chose to do this with your life so why are you stalling oh wait Facebook is calling and oh look that rhymed and so I can get into a pointless argument with someone whose face I can’t see instead of forcing terrible first draft dialogue on unwitting characters oh wait they blocked me so I guess I really do have to write now. Darn.

You know. That kind of a sense.

Not Perfect. Just Written.

Facebook memories are a blessing and a curse - we all know this. And this week was no exception. I was so ready to discuss some other topics of absolute brilliance today (come back at a later date to find out if those topics really exist!), but then my FB memories on Wednesday reminded me of a little post that said this:

"First drafts don't have to be perfect. They just have to be written."

And then suddenly I was like, “um, rude, FB.” Because let’s be honest about it - this quote is spot on. First drafts are garbage. Actually, no. They’re worse than garbage. They are a dumpster fire that has burnt out and left heaps of trash ash (TM!…although not entirely sure what I’d do with that…) which are being used as cake flour by a coven of gnarly bridge trolls.

Clearly, first drafts and I have a complicated relationship.

The big problem is that in order to create something wonderful, you have to have that gut-wrenchingly awful first draft as your foundation. And it hurts to make that happen. Creating art is baring your soul, and when your soul at the end of a first draft looks like Dorian Gray’s painting after he’s taken a billion drugs and committed murder…well, it can be a little discouraging. And people don’t talk about this enough.

It’s embarrassing and definitely not fun, but the shameful aspect of a terrible first draft can be tempered if we all actually talk about how awful they are or have been or can be. They are a necessary step. There is nothing to feel ashamed about.

Totally Organic, Non-Processed Verbiage

Yeah…not a thing. Let’s talk about the drafting process, shall we?

I know that, so far, I’ve been discussing only first drafts, but the drafting process never really changes much throughout a show’s developmental life. Of course first drafts are harder because you’re staring at a blank paper or screen with nothing but your jumbles of thoughts, notes, outlines, storyboards, etc. as your foundation. But in the end, to write each subsequent draft we have to go back through the same process.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the process of drafting recently as I’ve sat down to work on some edits of The King’s Legacy for my production this summer. These edits are based off both my own personal thoughts on things in the script that I would like to find a solution for and a conversation with the show’s director. When you’re unhappy with parts of your writing and have lots of potential solutions swirling around in your head - wishing you knew which was going to be the best idea - it’s always fantastic to have a collaborator of some kind to speak with and help point you in a direction. This meeting definitely helped me in that regard.

But did I then run home and start writing with my fresh new ideas and energy???

Ha! Nope. I did immediately make notes of everything we discussed and wrote out a list of things I need to do, but it was more than a week before I actually started writing.

“Well, Michael, that’s just laziness and procrastination.” Actually, it isn’t. Let me lay out my process for you.

*Note: I know I joked in the opening about the procrastination part of it, which is totally real, but there actually is value to not writing immediately. Ideas often need time to percolate and develop.

My Personal Insanity:

Here we go. Even writing out this process makes me anxious!

Have an idea.

Determine whether or not I like the idea.

Imagine how the idea could function in the piece or as a piece itself.

Determine it could work, and actively decide to do nothing about it for a stretch of time.

Continue to think about the idea and its possibilities.

Decide on possibilities that make sense to me.

Decide which of those possibilities excite me.

Jot a few notes down in my phone.

Continue to not write, but think over the ideas in more complexity and detail.

Make the decision that it is time to write the idea.

Make time in my schedule.

Do everything else I’ve been procrastinating on when that day and time arrive.

Get mad at myself for not writing.

Start to hate the idea. Then like it again. Then get excited again.

Schedule another time.

While waiting for that time to arrive, write down more notes and draft an outline, whilst I most certainly should have been doing other things.

At the new scheduled time, be frustrated because I’m excited but also being thrown off by the blank page and am drinking way too much coffee and tea.

Write the most basic and bare amount that I possibly can in the time I allotted myself.

Sigh with relief that I have broken the seal and finally put pen to paper.

Come back at every opportunity in my schedule to let the rest of the first draft pour out of me without editing and without judgement (a skill that must be practiced constantly).

Have a first draft completed that I am proud of and love but hate, so I therefore put it away for anywhere between a day and a week before I even think about it again, let alone look at it to begin the editing process.

Sound exhausting? You betcha!

“What Did I Tell You About That Window?”

"ALWAYS KEEP IT OPEN!"  -- Hook

So what’s my point? Well, I guess I have a few.

Not only is a first draft not going to be perfect, but it’s going to be pretty rough. And that’s okay. It should be! And we need them. Brilliance does not just fall out onto the page, it must be crafted.

You’re never done drafting, and every draft is a process. I love that we use the term Final Draft to describe our “finished” scripts, because they’re never really finished. It’s just the last draft we created before the show became frozen. Because, let’s remember, scripts don’t just fall out of people into that final form, but are drafted and re-drafted and re-drafted until someone eventually tells us “Stop! I’m going to produce and/or license this version now and you need to be done. Step away from the computer.”

To write takes courage, every time. Some drafts are fun and some are not, but it’s important to remember that we need them to get to the good stuff. So, happy drafting, mes amis!