#amothersmagik

[amothersmagik]

(Belated😅) Blessed Imbolc!

I have been horribly ill for the past few months and have not done as much as I'd have liked to the last few holidays. But nonetheless, I was able to do a Imbolc simmer pot, light my candle, decorate, and do some minor personal celebrations. Enjoy the simmer pot and a little house warming gift I made for a friend in the form of a personalized house and family blessing spell jar.

[amothersmagik]

You know she is your familiar when she suddenly appears out of nowhere and lays down, touching you and the spell blueprint, in the middle of an emergency cast.....

[amothersmagik]

[amothersmagik]

Using my previous background knowledge of health care and home treatments, my knowledge of my own body, the recommendations of my health team, and the various home treatments I have access to: today will be an odd combo of pushing it and doing my normal everyday activities in small spurts (to prevent further stiffen/seizing of the muscles [think frozen/locked joint issues] and additional swelling) followed by forced relaxtion techniques and sitting down to do "nothing".

If pain has not decreased, and/or range of motion has not improved by daily peak activity time [my personal daily peak is around 3pm, with a drop around 7/8pm] then my doctor has declared I will need to come in to urgent care or the ER for evaluation and perhaps more drastic short term treatment. This would be primarily to discern if there has been some kind of massive jump in deterioration or an actual injury but would also be about quality of life and short term relief to prevent further injury while whatever this is heals or reduces.

This is likely just a flare up of one or multiple of my varied conditions. It could very well be acute, however, as I did have the misfortune to walk across my living room yesterday night (approx 10pm). Me being me, I tripped over air and made a very ill-advised twisting motion to try and save myself. Either way, the current path is the same: self treat. If no improvement within X-hours, go to UC.

This is chronic illness. This is my daily 50/50 gamble. Will I be okay today or will I be in crippling pain? Always the question.

[amothersmagik]

(Belated because ... . I do everything late 😅🤣🥹🤦‍♀️)

[amothersmagik]

Help me identify this beautiful flower growing in my raspberry patch?

[amothersmagik]

⚠️TW: Loss, TTC After loss, etc⚠️

Excuse me while I whine and vent? I am struggling horribly right now as I come out of a period of numbness (my therapist calls it *"disassociating"* 😅🙃) and I need to get these thoughts out.

"I'm okay.

No really.

I swear I'm okay"

Hiccuping and deep trembling breaths.

"Some days are better than others"

Still true, though right now there is snot and tears pouring down my face.

"I'll be fine. I'm healing"

And I was totally fine that day. Until the sun shone through the trees *just right* and I thought about how bad I wished she were here to see it.

"We haven't given up, it will happen when it's supposed to"

Though right now it feels like never....

"Aw your baby is so adorable! I am so happy for you!"

Still VERY true even though I feel this gut wrenching soul tearing bring me to my knees sharp stabbing ache in my very soul everytime your baby giggles, cries, or breathes.

"I had let it rest at the back of my mind"

Until that advert flashed by my eyes and suddenly the rage and despair overtook me like a hurricane with no warning.

Some days I am okay. Truly. I can talk about it. I can be the advocate I proclaim myself to be and talk about all the hard things. I can smile, and mean it, and talk about *someday*.

I can take the crappy advice and condolences of those who have NEVER been here with a smile that only hints of a grimace rather than the annoyed and pained scowl I've felt on my face before (when faced with the same comments on a different day).

Some days I absolutely look to all the world like a well adjusted, healed, happy Momma who takes joy in that which she HAS instead of despairing over what she has LOST.

And then there are days like today. When I did virtually nothing. It wasn't a Bad day. It was a nothing day. I zoned out. I was numb. I laid around and barely interacted with my loved ones.

And then there are the days like two days ago. When my brain replays every moment from the most recent loss. Compares it to previous losses. I think about what's wrong with me that I can't do the one thing a woman's body was originally designed to do? What have I done that God is punishing me so? What could I have done differently to save her? To save any of them?

I replay that moment when my knees hit the tile and I heard this horrible wailing and it took me a minute to realize it was me. (Later that same evening I was apologizing in semi-numb embarrassment to the nurse because they uncomfortably confirmed what I had belatedly realized - the whole damn hospital heard my pained screams that evening in the ER). I can't get the feeling out of my head - that feeling of WRONG as I walked into that ER and EVERYTHING HURT. And I knew before I was even registered what was happening.

I have bad days SO bad, even I wonder if maybe this is me finally snapping. If I've reached the end of what my soul can handle. I sit and I cry over the wind, because it feels warm and rocking her to sleep in the backyard on a warm summer day would have been perfect. I cry because that butterfly was a beautiful light blue like her eyes would have been. I cry because that baby giggle at the park sounded so much like my son, it could have been one of his siblings, had any of them lived.

I cry because my arms are empty and I really wish they weren't.

And as I sit and cry and can't explain what set me off this time because sometimes I don't even KNOW....

Tiny (but somehow so huge) arms encircle my head. Just my head because thats all they can manage. The sloppy-est kiss lands on my forehead. "I love your heart, Momma. You're okay. You're a good Momma"

The tears fall harder but a smile breaks through.

Days go by and I watch him giggle with his friend and get so dirty I have NO IDEA how he will ever get clean again. So I shake my head and huff a laugh. What else can you do in the face of toddler boys playing outside?

My heart soars and heals a little watching his face light up over whatever bug he just found in the grass.... oh geez, that he bringing over to show me 🤢

I take a deep breath and know I'm going to be okay, even though it hurts so bad....because the love of my son is beautiful.

He asked me a couple days ago why we don't talk about her anymore, the baby in Mommas tummy. I explain that she went to be with the Grandpas and Auntie and the kitties. He says "oh thats sad. I love you mumma" and gives me a forehead kiss (which he most definitely learned from watching Daddy too close lol) and runs back to play in the sand box.

Today he fell asleep sprawled on the couch and my husband held me while we stood in silence and just watched him for a moment. We made quiet comments about how much he has grown. It hurt. Because my angels never will. But it healed. Because he is healthy and beautiful and perfect.

He is so ready to be a big brother. We are so ready for another one. I feel soooo crazy. Flopping back and forth between joyous hope and love, blinding numbness, and agonizing despair. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Then daddy (husband) holds me and reminds me how much he loves me and how we won't give up until I say I'm done.

Things will get better. They will. I know they will. Most days I know this and can cope fine...some days are harder than others. Today is numb. But tomorrow will be better.

*[For context: I lost our baby this past Sunday. She was my 9th pregnancy. Our son is our only shared living child and was my 5th pregnancy.]*