#ancient roman memes

[historical-kitten]

Ancient Roman Politicians on a Modern Date

Gaius Julius Caesar: He invites you to a dinner party at his house and is a fairly witty and engaging host, but all of his stories seem to be about himself. However, friends assure you he's "every woman's man and every man's woman," so stick around for the nightcap he offers you if that makes you curious.

Marcus Licinius Crassus: For a man who is absolutely the wealthiest you've ever met, it seems a little convenient that he 'forgot his wallet' on your date to that expensive gastropub, so you couldn't go halfsies and had to pay for both your meals. The gold flake dessert shines bright, but you sort of wish he'd choke on it.

Gnaeus Pompeius Maximus: It's kind of weird how he takes you around to show you his art collection since it mainly consists of statues of himself, but hey, at least he's interested in art? He also tells a lot of stories about himself. However, he has a reputation for being a devoted husband and he's in between spouses, so if you're ready for that, give him a chance.

Gaius Julius Caesar Octavianus aka Augustus: He literally wrote out a plan for your entire date, how it would go, and what he would say to the most commonly asked smalltalk questions. Do not deviate from his script. He takes you somewhere like a museum or a fancy restaurant where they barely feed you, but although he is polished, his romantic delivery seems a little flat until you run into his best friend Agrippa... They are just besties, right?

Marcus Antonius aka Mark Antony: Ok, there are a couple ways this could go. He is either an absolutely fantastic date who takes you to see a hilarious play and finishes off with a fun night on the town, or he takes you to a bar in a seedy part of town where you dance and drink and party all night. Either way he gives you nice gifts and is charming and funny. On a later date he may take you on the most expensive, romantic, fancy date ever. Most likely a good time date, just don't expect things to get serious unless you're the Queen of Egypt.

Marcus Aemilius Lepidus: He never showed up for your date. Completely ghosted you. You track down his coworkers Mark Antony and Octavian and they say they have no idea where he is either. Weird.

Marcus Agrippa: He takes you on a tour of the city, pointing out all the architecture and finishes this off with dinner. He seems nice, intelligent, and is very attentive to your needs. So why isn't he off the market yet? His attachment to his slightly creepy best friend and roommate Octavian, maybe? They were roommates.

Sextus Pompeius Magnus Pius: A much better date than his father, he takes you to his private boat and gives you a seaside tour. He valiantly fights off pirates during your date, but did you catch one of them winking at him? Regardless, it's an unforgettable adventure.

Who would you rather date? And again, I'm sorry, Lepidus.

As always, thanks to @just-late-roman-republic-things for inspiring these posts.

[blvvdk3ep]

I don't think we talk about the Roman political invective enough. Can you imagine if Biden and Trump could stand in front of congress and call each other fat, ugly and gay and this was a legitimate form of political redress

[earlgrey24]

Brutus seeing the graffiti of him stabbing Caesar all over Rome, c. 44 BC

[demigoddessqueens]

Happy 2,068th to when we should totally just stab Caesar!! Grab a knife with your bestie!

[just-late-roman-republic-things]

So, apparently Emperor Julian wrote what historians call a satire, and what I call a "crossover crack-fic in which the Greek gods get all the Roman emperors together in a room and make them argue about who's the coolest."

This crack-fic has, incredibly, survived. It's about 90% Julian roasting historical figures through the mouth of Dionysus' boyfriend. Favorite bits:

Julius Caesar, Augustus and Tiberius show up and are appropriately shit-talked. (And, for Tiberius, kink-shamed.) Caligula steps through the door and is immediately yeeted into Tartarus before anyone can say anything about him.

Nero comes in with his lyre and Apollo promptly knocks the laurel wreath off his head.

Alexander the Great crashes the party and he and Julius Caesar hate each other on sight.

The gods ask Romulus if any of his descendants are a match for Alexander and Romulus is internally like "Aw, shit."

Alexander almost storms out of the party because he doesn't get to monologue first.

When it's Augustus' turn to make a speech Poseidon doesn't let him have a cup of water because he's still mad about that one time Augustus blasphemed against him 400 years earlier.

The gods tell each of the emperors to Explain Themselves and Marcus Aurelius is like, "But you gods already know everything about us," and they're like "...That's fair."

Cameo appearance from Jesus at the very end, who's apparently best bros with Pleasure in a sort of "sin with one, get forgiveness from the other free!" deal.

[girlcatilina]

me as a parent

[destielmemenews]

"The North Hertfordshire museum will now refer to the emperor Elagabalus with female pronouns.

Museum policy states the pronouns used in the displays will be those ‘the individual in question might have used themselves’ or whatever pronoun ‘in retrospect, is appropriate’."

source 1

source 2

[lpa6zn]

I had seen a joke about Orpheus and Eurydice, but looking back, I don't laugh so much anymore

[firnen-the-teragram-teabag]

[orkazh-arts]

Drop dead Gorgeous Gorgon 😎🐍

[youvebeengreeked]

Happy Leap Day, Plebs.

[historical-kitten]

Ancient Roman Poets on a Modern Date

Catullus (Gaius Valerius Catullus)

If you meet him before Lesbia, he will be charming, eloquent, and happy to go wherever you like, although his funds could be limited. Even so, he'll make sure you both enjoy yourselves. Theater or concert tickets in the plebian--nosebleed--section, for instance. If you meet him after Lesbia, there is a possibility he will spend the entire time trauma-dumping about his ex. If you also have one to complain about, this could be cathartic.

Virgil (Publius Vergilius Maro)

He takes you out to his beehive dressed in full bee-keeping gear to introduce you to his bees and then goes inside, where you sample different varieties of honey drizzled over fruit. He is sweet, but does talk about fields and bees a lot.

Ovid (Gaius Valerius Catullus)

Let's be honest. This might be more of a Tinder or Grindr hookup than a date. However, it's possible you met at a theater, race track, parade, or seaside resort. If you are aro/ace, run away. If you aren't and you are interested in seeing if he truly is proficient as a teacher of love, stick around. Don't expect him to be faithful, however. And although his manners are perfect, remember that it's an art and a game to him, so guard your heart.

Horace (Quintus Horatius Flaccus)

He'll take you out for a night of expensive dining and pay for it solely because the friend of a friend that owns the place owes him. He is charming company and can get you into any exclusive club or private experience you want to go to, but will expect reciprocated favors. Also, he turns on the charm, but absolutely expects to be complimented in return.

Sulpicia

She plays hard to get initially, not wanting to be too obvious with her affection. The first date will be YOUR choice. Pick well and she'll follow that with a candlelit dinner and eternal devotion. She does have expensive taste, however, and she would absolutely report you to her scary uncle if you break her heart.

Martial (Marcus Valerius Martialis)

He takes you on a picnic. Despite this being in the country, he'll opt for fine wine and gourmet food. He's easy to talk to, funny, and catty with his gossip. However, he'll also go on about his childhood in the country and how he went hunting and fishing and how he misses the simple country life. (All while sipping from an expensive goblet.)

Livy (Titus Livius)

He takes you to a museum and acts as your tour guide throughout the entire thing. Who knew that your date would double as a living and breathing audio tour? You're supposed to eat at the museum cafe, but you may not make it there before it closes... If you're a fan of history, you're in for a treat.

Iullus Antonius

Iullus is a huge romantic and just as charming as his famous father. He will show up with flowers and take you on a date in a small, undiscovered restaurant and to a lot of cute places that are off the beaten path. Whether you hit it off romantically or not, he's the kind of guy who could be your ride or die. (Spoiler alert, when he says he's your ride or die, he's extremely serious. 💀)

Albius Tibullus

When he falls, he falls hard. He takes you on a date in an orchard. This includes picking grapes and then tasting wines. If the date is before he was entranced with one of the lovers he wrote about, all is well. If not, he might get a little teary eyed about his past love(s). He is polite, sweet, attentive, and apologetic though.

Juvenal (Decimus Junius Juvenalis)

He takes you to an expensive restaurant and makes it clear he is only paying for HIS meal. The entire time he criticizes everyone else in the restaurant for being posers and judges them based upon appearance, status, and gender. His date is not a safe place for anyone who doesn't fit his definition of traditional values. Definitely talks about kids these days and the degradation of society.

[maxiemumdamage]

The single funniest thing I learned when studying the Roman Empire is the fact that in his life and centuries after his death, everyone calls Gaius Julius Caesar Augustus Germanicus…Caligula.

Like. That’s the nickname his dad’s coworkers gave him when he was a literal toddler. It means “little boots” because again, baby in an army camp. And that may as well have been his actual name for how often people called him it.

It’s like being called “King Slugger” for all time.

[strawlessandbraless]

The Ides of March coming for you 🥗 🔪

[coralcatsea]

[just-late-roman-republic-things]

Filmmakers are really sleeping on the potential of portraying Caesar and Cleopatra's affair as a black comedy:

14-year-old King Ptolemy accidentally makes 52-year-old Julius Caesar cry by handing him a severed head as a "Welcome to Egypt!" present

Caesar is now in the incredibly awkward position of trying to get a teenage king to kiss and make up with his sister/wife instead of warring against her

Oh yeah Caesar you just walked into a civil war and now you're surrounded by 500,000+ Egyptians who want you dead WHOOPS

Said sister/wife pops out of laundry bag and immediately wins Caesar's favor by being A) a responsible adult, b) literally Cleopatra, and C) the only person in this country that isn't trying to kill him or hand him severed heads

She's still trying to murder her brother-husband though let's not get too wild lol

Anyway Caesar and Cleopatra sleep together and her 14-year-old brother-husband finds out the next morning and hits the fucking roof

Congratulations Caesar you found the one way to make this situation so much worse

I don't want to know how many complexes that poor child must have

Ptolemy sics his army on the Romans but claims to know nothing about it. Caesar is not fooled but humors him because 1) the kid is 14 and 2) Caesar is still trying to get Ptolemy and Cleopatra to be a normal non-murdery couple. Even though he's still sleeping with Cleo. Yeah.

Cleo and Ptolemy react about as well as you would if you were told to marry your sibling

Ptolemy sends his army after Caesar and now the 4,000 Romans have to hold out against the entire Egyptian army and 500,000+ furious Alexandrians

Did I mention Caesar is also asking Cleo's family for money

Yeah he needs it to pay for the other civil war he's procrastinating on

His enemies still have an army. Caesar's just ignoring them.

Caesar is still trying not to strangle a small child, and won't let Ptolemy or Cleo kill each other in front of him, so the three of them just. Live together for a while. Along with Cleo's 15-year-old sister Arsinoe, who is also trying to kill Caesar and Cleopatra, and her other brother Ptolemy, who's 11 and just trying not to die.

Dinner that night is so horribly awkward that Arsinoe and her tutor yeet outta there and take over the Egyptian army

Caesar now has to Go To Work™️(War) every day and try not to get killed by a teenage girl and a schoolteacher

Said teenage girl is shockingly good at fighting and in one battle Caesar gets beat so bad he has to jump off a boat and swim to shore and loses his Favorite Red Cape

Caesar comes home that night looking like a wet rat and has to explain why the Library of Alexandria is on fire and stop Cleopatra and Ptolemy from trying to shank each other again

Forget the movie. I want a whole sitcom dedicated to the sheer absurdity of this situation.

Various bullcrap ensues, Caesar gets rescued by the son of Mithridates (THAT Mithridates) of all people, Cleo's brother-husband turns up dead and Arsinoe is captured, and Caesar takes a much-needed vacation with Cleo. For several months. Then strolls back into Italy to discover Rome is on fire, people thought he was dead, and oh yeah there's still a ROMAN CIVIL WAR going on

Oops