#and Eddie is FaceTiming her in the station? with other people around? what?

[motherfracker]

This episode.

First I need to talk about Henren and how I am absolutely heartbroken over them having endure more loss in their family. Like they are the best damn parents, stop taking their children away. And having all of those cases twisted on Hen like that as ammunition and evidence to take Mara away from her. Diabolical. Just a gut punch, I cried so hard.

There is so much about Bobby that I don’t even think I can get into it all. But I was so worried about him, I AM so worried about him. The beginning of the episode feeling like a goodbye, to him having to save Athena, and then having a heart attack. The emotional whiplash of it all. I’m so afraid to learn anything more about how that fire got started. The guilt this man has carried, and continued to carry without leaning on his wife for support. Still bottling it all up until it was too late. Just heart wrenching, and I feel for Athena, it is so hard to watch your significant other struggle like that and not know what to do but to just love them and hope it’s enough.

Buck, getting the chance to cook for the team from Bobby. He was so happy about it, so proud. And his moment with Bobby after shift was so sweet, they have come so far. He is going to be so gutted if anything happens to Bobby. That’s his dad.

And then Buck running into Kim like that, oh my god. And immediately going to Eddie’s to figure out what the hell he just saw and figure out what was going on (despite whatever his plans were for the evening). That kitchen scene was so great, they are so vulnerable with each other, so patient and understanding. Buck using the back door to be considerate of anyone else in the house because he knows how crazy and fucked up it all is. But he’s so calm and gentle with Eddie about the whole thing.

Which leads me to Eddie. My guy, you have come so far, but you are still so delusional. Shannon was not the love of your life, she was your first love. And there is a difference. Kim is insane for coming back to pretend to be Shannon to try to give you closure without all of the context, because Eddie you omitted a few key details in your retelling of your relationship’s history. And to get so wrapped up in this fantasy to allow yourself this weird moment of skewed catharsis and have Christopher walk in (with your girlfriend, which where were they without you?) and witness this woman in your life who confusingly looks like his DEAD mother. How painful for him. That kid has been through enough, and I can’t fathom how he will view you going forward and I am so scared for that. It’s so twisted. How do you explain any of this to your son? How?

I can’t stop thinking about it. 7x09, I wish you were longer.

[buckleyblueyes]

Buddie + 47 "This is home?" 😊

Thank you for your patience, nonnie! I know this took me some time to write and post. Loved this prompt, though! This fic features an appearance by Taylor Kelly, and maybe isn't the most friendly towards her? idk, I wasn’t actively trying to write her to be a bad person or anything, but just in case I thought I'd throw a warning for people who like her/like her and Buck.

Buck yawns and leans back into the cushions of the Diaz couch. He’s exhausted, physically and emotionally. They were called to a grizzly pileup on the freeway just before their shift was supposed to end, multiple on scene fatalities, and more that they lost later, in the ambulance. He had a date with Taylor scheduled for after his shift, but he knew before the engine even pulled back into the station that he was going to have to cancel. Not just for himself and his need for rest and recovery, but for Taylor’s sake. He wouldn’t have been a good date in his current state. He texted her from the locker room that his shift had run long and he was going to head home and rest. She texted him back with a “I understand, get some sleep” and that was that.

He followed Eddie home, because neither of them wanted to be alone, and he wanted to see Chris, even for a few minutes before the boy had to go to bed. They exchanged hugs and Buck and Eddie both pressed kisses to the top of Christopher’s head. Ever since Eddie was shot--since he told Buck about his will, since Buck spent the summer living on their couch and taking care of both of them--Buck took on a more parental role with Christopher. They don’t really talk about it, but it’s undeniably true, and Buck loves it. The three of them feel like a family, are a family.

Buck showered at the station, but Eddie hadn’t. Eddie likes to take his time in the shower, making it into a sort of ritual where he scrubs off more than just the grime of the day, but the stress and trauma of it as well. He’s going to be gone awhile. So, Buck settles into the couch and pulls out his phone.

I know it’s not the same, but wanna FaceTime before bed?

Seconds later his phone lights up with the call. He smiles when he answers it.

“Hey, babe!” Her smile is bright and bubbly as always.

“Hey, Taylor,” he says, forcing himself to keep his own smile up. “Sorry about our date.”

“No, no it’s fine…” Taylor trails off, blinking curiously through the screen. “I thought you said you were going home?”

Buck glances around the room behind him and frowns. “This is home?”

She rolls her eyes. “I know what your loft looks like.”

“Oh,” His smile returns. Of course, she’s only been to Eddie’s a few times, she doesn’t recognize it from the bit of it she could see through FaceTime. “I’m at Eddie’s.”

Taylor’s confusion morphs into exasperation. “I should’ve realized.”

“You’ve only been here a few times, it’s--”

“No, I mean I should’ve realized you were blowing me off for him,” she snaps.

It feels like someone dumped a bucket of ice water over his head. “What does that mean?”

“It means that I’m always playing second to Eddie, and I’m getting sick of it,” Taylor’s tone is huffy and irritated and Buck hates it. “It was one thing when he was still recovering. But he’s fine now, so why are you still spending so much time with him?”

“He’s my best friend, Taylor,” Buck narrows his eyes. “Of course I spend time with him.”

She scowls. “How can you be too tired for me, but be sitting on his couch?”

Buck runs a hand through his ungelled curls. “Look, our shift ran long and it was really rough. My therapist says I shouldn’t be alone during times like this, and I happen agree with her--”

“So why not be with me?” Taylor asks, tone shifting from anger to sadness.

“Because Eddie knows exactly where I’m at emotionally,” Buck sighs. “He was there, he saw what I saw. There’s nothing to explain. And he shouldn’t be alone tonight, either. It just makes sense.”

She frowns. “So, that’s it? I’m not a first responder, so I’ll never be able to understand like Eddie?”

His stomach twists. This conversation is starting to sound familiar. “It’s not--”

“How can I understand if you don’t open up to me?”

Buck doesn’t know what to say to that. She’s right, of course. He isn’t open with her. She doesn’t know about his childhood, or about Daniel. She doesn’t know about the nightmares that haunt him, doesn’t know about the waves and ladder trucks, gunshots and explosions. She doesn’t know any of it, and he has no desire to share it with her. Maybe it’s the way she looks at her phone half the time they’re talking, or the fact that they haven’t really talked about her willingness to put Bobby’s trauma on the news, but he still doesn’t trust her, not really.

“You’re right,” he finally says. “I’ve been shutting you out.” She looks hopeful, which makes Buck feel like a huge jerk because this isn’t about to go in the direction she seems to think it will. “I have to be honest, I don’t think I’ll ever feel like opening up to you. I’m sorry.”

“Oh.” She looks so sad, and the part of Buck that’s terrified of disappointing people is two seconds from taking it all back, when she speaks again. “So, where does that leave us, then?”

“I don’t know,” Buck answers honestly. He doesn’t want to be single and lonely again, but he can’t deny any longer that Taylor isn’t right for him.

“I think you do.” She gives him a weak smile.

Buck blinks. Cocks his head to the side in confusion. “What does that mean?”

“Buck, be honest with me, are you in love with Eddie?”

Whatever Buck is expecting her to say, it isn’t that. All at once it feels like all the air in the room has been sucked out. He knows that he feels more for Eddie than could be strictly described as platonic, but he’s been avoiding those feelings for as long as he’s known Eddie. First because he thought he had Abby, then because Eddie was married, then because Eddie was grieving his wife, and then because they weren’t speaking to each other, and then because the pandemic hit and they had other things to focus on, and then because Eddie was dating Ana...It was never the right time, and he was always too afraid of losing Eddie, when he inevitably had to turn Buck down.

But Eddie changed his will, and Eddie broke up with Ana because “she’s not what I want” and Eddie let Buck stay here, for months, taking care of him and Christopher, and Buck knows in his core that he and Eddie are tied together, no matter what.

“Buck?”

He realizes she’s still waiting for an answer. “Yeah, yeah I think I am.”

She nods stiffly. “Right, well then. I guess we’re done here.”

“I guess we are.” Buck shifts uncomfortably. “Can we still be friends?”

“I don’t think so,” Taylor shakes her head.

Buck opens his mouth to respond, to say goodbye, but he’s cut off by a voice coming from the hallway. “You’re in love with me?” Buck looks up to see Eddie standing there in his sweats, hair still damp and dripping from the shower, brown eyes wide with shock.

Oh, fuck. “Taylor, I have to go.”

“I know,” she rolls her eyes. “Goodbye, Buck.”

“Bye, Taylor,” Buck swallows, setting his phone down on the coffee table. “How--How long have you been standing there? I didn’t hear the shower turn off.”

“Long enough,” Eddie steps forward. “You’re in love with me?”

“I--” There’s no point in denying. “Yeah. Is that...okay?”

It’s a stupid thing to say, but it’s all Buck can think to say.

To say Eddie looks dumbfounded would be an understatement. “Is it--What kind of question is that?”

Buck shrugs “Well, y’know. I thought it might make things awkward.”

Eddie shakes his head and shuffles the rest of the way into the living room, so he’s standing right above Buck. “Awkward? Why--What--Like, at work? We’re adults, we can keep things professional.”

“Keep...it...professional…” Buck’s brain processes the words slowly, but when he finally does, his heart sinks. “You don’t want to be friends with me anymore?”

“Um.” Eddie cocks his head to the side, in almost the same movement Buck made just minutes earlier. “Obviously not.”

Buck feels numb. This is it. The end of everything. Just when he thinks he’s found someone who will stay. “W-What about Christopher?”

Again Eddie looks baffled. “What about Christopher? I think he’ll be happy we’re together.”

Time stops. Together? “Uh-Wh-Huh? Together? Like...together-together? Like dating? Each other?”

“Oh.” The confusion melts off Eddie’s face. “Buck. I’m in love with you, too.”

Buck blinks up at him. “You are?”

“Yeah,” Eddie smiles warmly. “I thought I made that clear when I broke up with Ana and kept asking you to stay, but I guess I should’ve known that I needed to be more explicit with you.”

Buck laughs. “Oh, you think? I’m only in therapy for my abandonment issues, it’s not like I have problems trusting that people want me around or something.”

Eddie leans down and takes Buck’s hands in his. “Evan Buckley, I am deeply in love with you, and I want to be with you for as long as you’ll have me.”

Buck grins, tightens his grip on Eddie’s hands, and pulls the other man down onto the couch, right into his lap. “How does forever sound?”

“Sounds wonderful.”

Later, after they makeout on the couch like teenagers, after Eddie guides Buck down the hall to his bedroom, after they curl up in each other’s arms, it finally occurs to Eddie to ask. “How exactly did your FaceTime with Taylor end up with her asking if you were in love with me?”

Buck doesn’t open his eyes when he answers. “She asked why I wasn’t at home like I told her I’d be.”

“This is your home.”

Buck smiles and snuggles closer. “I know.”

[mooresomore]

Here, have some some soft, married!Buddie fic

******

“We’re the married, gross people now.” Buck grinned, looking over at Eddie, who had a soft smile on his face as well, even though he was rolling his eyes at his husband (and damn, that felt really nice to say. He’d never get tired of calling Buck that.)

“Yes we are.” Eddie finally said, leaning in to steal a kiss from Buck as they made their way into the station. Today was their first day back after the wedding and honeymoon, and while they were happy to be there, they still wouldn’t have minded getting to stay home a little longer and enjoy their wedded bliss (and spend time with Christopher, who they hadn’t seen in a week; they’d FaceTimed and called him a lot, but it wasn’t the same as being there in person.).

“Buckley, Diaz, let’s go!” Bobby’s voice called out; they hurried up the steps to get changed and then went to sit in on the morning briefing.

As luck would have it, the morning briefing was cut short by a call. They all filed down to the apparatus and it was business as usual. Other than them shooting a quick look at each other, you’d never know they were together. That was until they got on scene.

It was a married old couple. Of course it is. Buck thought, thinking back to Thomas and the whole “you don’t find it, you make it” statement. The husband was mostly alright- just a few bumps and bruises, but the wife was in worse shape (she looked like she’d make a full recovery; they wouldn’t know for sure until they got her out of the car).

“Sir, can you tell me where it hurts?” Buck asked, doing a quick assessment while Eddie worked on checking out the wife.

“I’m fine. Everything hurts, but I’ll live. Is she ok?”

“She looks fine. My husband Firefighter Diaz is going to take good care of her.” Buck said. He didn’t mean for the “my husband” portion to slip out, but it did.

“Buck, need some help.” Eddie said. Buck looked at the husband. “I’m going to let paramedic Wilson here take care of you. I’ll come back and let you know what’s going on as soon as I can.”

Buck went over to Eddie. “What’s up?”

“Think we’ll be good. Nothing’s broken. That I can see anyway. Just need some help getting her unpinned.”

“Alright.” Buck leaned in to the woman.” Ma’am, my name is Firefighter Buckley. We’re going to get you out.” Buck said. He wasn’t surprised when she asked about her husband. “Your husband is fine. He keeps asking about you.”

They got the woman out, and as Chim tended to her, Buck ran back around the car to the husband. “Your wife is fine. She has some bumps and bruises, but it doesn’t look like anything is broken. You can ride in the ambulance with her if you’d like.”

“Thank you. And tell your husband thank you. She’s my world, and I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

“You’re very welcome.” Buck said. He and Eddie watched as Chim and Hen loaded the couple into the ambulance and took off.

“Good job.” Buck told Eddie.

“Right back at you.” Eddie said, leaning in towards Buck. “You kept them both calm and collected.” Eddie was going to lean in further for a kiss, but then the radio crackled and Bobby told them to load up. “I owe you a kiss later, when we get back to the station.”

“Deal.” Buck said.

[westallenfun]

A Most Unexpected Love, Chapter 2

WestAllen secret santa gift  

From: @jade4813

For: @sophisticatedloserchick

Author Notes: For the lovely @sophisticatedloserchick from @jade4813! Merry Christmas, and I hope you like my first fic after a long hiatus!

Title: A Most Unexpected Love

Rating: PG

Synopsis: Iris has loved Eddie Thawne Allen her entire life. When she returns home just before Christmas, it looks like she might finally have a chance to catch his eye…unless an accident puts his older brother, Barry, directly in her path. Story inspired by Sabrina (with some quotes lifted more or less directly from the source material).

Chapters: 2/7

Chapter Two

Iris squinted at the glare of the sun reflecting off the fallen snow, pulling a pair of sunglasses out of her purse and sliding them on before grabbing the handle of her suitcase and giving it a tug. It had been a long journey, but she was finally home, arriving just in time for the holidays. Her father was supposed to pick her up, but she’d jumped at the opportunity to take an earlier flight than originally scheduled. It would make a tremendous surprise for him, she decided upon landing, and so she walked purposefully toward the taxi station, rather than calling to update him on her change of plans.

The drive didn’t take long, but she still needed to stretch some kinks out of her muscles when she stepped out of the car and fixed the Allen house with a critical eye. It looked almost exactly as it had in her memory, though it appeared someone had affixed the shutters with a new coat of paint at some point in the three years since she’d last stood in this spot. She’d missed this place, she realized, as well as all the people who worked there. Not to mention Eddie. She could never forget how much she’d missed Eddie.

But Eddie wasn’t her primary concern at the moment. She ran a hand down the fabric of her skirt, smoothing out the wrinkles. She wanted to look her best for her first meeting with her dad. Of course, they’d seen each other numerous times over the last three years. He’d come to visit her at school, and they Facetimed at least once a week. But this was her first time coming home as a college graduate – and an adult woman who had proved herself capable of running her own life. She wanted to make him proud.

Thanking the driver, she passed him a tip before grabbing her bag, pulling it behind her as she approached the house. It was rather heavy, so she pulled it to the side of the house, where it would be out of the way until she could retrieve it later. Then she stepped indoors on a quest to find her father.

Knowing he often stopped by the kitchen to grab a cup of coffee, she decided to head in that direction first. On the way, she heard the clattering of balls knocking together in the game room and peered in on her way past, curious to know who was inside. Her heart skipped a beat when she caught her first glimpse of Eddie, his tousled blond hair falling expertly across his forehead as he leaned over to line up his cue stick with the ball. As though sensing her presence in the doorway, he glanced up and straightened abruptly at the sight of her, his eyes growing wide.

“Wow. I mean, hi,” he greeted her with that boyish grin that had captured her heart so many years before.

Feeling a little shy, as she always did in his presence, she threw him a small smile. “I don’t mean to disturb you. I was just looking for someone.”

“Whoever it is, I’m happy to pretend I’m him if it means you stick around,” he reassured her hastily, setting his pool cue aside.

The obviousness of his pickup line, combined with the headiness that his attention was focused on her for a change and the astonishment that he didn’t seem to recognize her, made her laugh. “I’m afraid not,” she said, pulling off her sunglasses so she could get a better look at him. How could he not know her? Granted, it had been a few years, but they’d grown up together, and she didn’t think she’d changed that much.

But still, while she was a little disappointed in his continued ignorance of her identity, she was warmed by the gaze he swept over her body. “Let me guess…you’re looking for Barry. He’s always had all the luck. Well, today is also your lucky day because he happens to be my brother. So I’m pretty much the same thing, right?”

As he teased her, he threw her another one of his devastating grins, prompting her to laugh again. “I don’t think so,” she said, shaking her head. As tempted as she was to linger and bask in the glow of his flirtation, she couldn’t wait to see her dad, so she took a step back, intending to walk away.

Eddie wasn’t content to let her go, as he bounded after her. Taking position by her side, he walked with her as he chided her gently, “You’re really gonna make me work for it, huh? And here I was, hoping we could get to know each other better.”

Iris threw him a wry look out of the corner of her eye. “Really? And here I was, thinking you just liked the chase but you wouldn’t know what to do with me if you caught me.”

“That is categorically untrue!” he protested, feigning offense. Reaching out, he grabbed her hand gently, and Iris thrilled in the warmth of his touch. “But, you know, I won’t be able to prove that to you if you don’t let me catch you.”

“I suppose that’s true,” she conceded, humoring him. Then, succumbing to curiosity, she pressed, “You really don’t recognize me?”

She knew full well that Eddie wasn’t a good enough actor to feign the surprise that crossed his features. “Why? Should I? I can’t imagine we’ve ever met. I’d definitely remember you.”

“You might be surprised,” she returned in a dry tone.

Eddie might have lost the battle, but he wasn’t about to concede the war. Instead, he pressed, “Well, that’s all the more reason for you to give me a chance. I tell you what. We’re having a Christmas party here tonight at eight o’clock. Say you’ll come. We can catch up on old times, just the two of us.”

Chuckling, Iris shook her head. “You don’t give up, do you?” she asked, secretly pleased with his efforts. After all these years, he’d finally noticed her. He was finally chasing after her. Perhaps it was small of her to revel in their altered circumstances, but recognizing that fact did nothing to change it.

“Nope,” he replied with a shameless grin.

Iris nodded. “All right. I’ll see you tonight. Eight o’clock.” His display of elation at her agreement didn’t even come close to that which she secretly felt. She managed to hide her smile until she walked away and turned a corner. Then it was all she could do to bite back her shriek of joy. It was all she’d ever hoped for, catching Eddie’s eye, and the reality was so far better than she’d even imagined.

That night, Iris gave her reflection one more critical look before leaving her room and heading to the party. Her dad had been overjoyed to see her, but his happiness had been diminished slightly when he’d heard about her interaction with Eddie. She knew he was just worried about her; he’d never approved of her attachment to the younger Allen son. Though he loved the family and would give his life for any of them, he’d confessed he didn’t think Eddie was good enough for her, but she’d always dismissed his opinion as being clouded by paternal affection and a life-long overprotective streak.

His concern did nothing to diminish her excitement, and so she’d shrugged it off as she’d dressed into one of her favorite gowns, obtained during her studies abroad. Floor-length and deep red in color, it was strapless, with a chiffon skirt and beaded top with a sweetheart neckline. It was the perfect dress for a holiday party, and – more importantly – she knew it would draw Eddie’s eye.

She was almost skipping with joy as she walked into the party, her eyes sweeping over the crowd looking for one face in particular. But it wasn’t Eddie who caught her eye first; it was Bartholomew. Tall and lanky – and able to wear a tuxedo like he was born into it, even more than his brother (though it seemed traitorous of her to think so) – he’d always stood out from a crowd. She’d recognize him anywhere, even when his back was to her as it was now. She watched as the tall redhead before him said something to him, nodding toward Iris in the doorway. He turned to follow her gaze, his face breaking into a heart-warming smile when he caught sight of Iris.

She watched as he said something to his companion and then raced toward her, stopping barely a foot away. For just a moment, she thought he was going to pull her into a hug, but he didn’t. Instead, he smiled at her warmly and cried, “Iris! You’re home? Why didn’t you come by and say hi? How was your trip?”

Before she could answer, Eddie appeared as though out of nowhere, stepping in front of his brother. “You came!” he said gleefully. “I wasn’t sure you would.” When Bartholomew cleared his throat, Eddie stepped to the side and looked at his brother in surprise. “Oh, I’m sorry, did I – wait, do you two know each other?”

Bartholomew looked at his brother in confusion and concern. “You’re kidding, right? It’s Iris.” When Eddie didn’t seem to register the name, he prodded, “West? Joe’s daughter?”

Eddie’s head whipped around in surprise. “What, really? Iris?” As his gaze swept over her again, understanding dawned in his eyes, and he pulled her into a tight hug. “Oh my god, it’s so good to have you back! Now you really have to dance with me. Let’s go.”

He grabbed her hand and started to pull her away, and she was more than happy to follow, but his brother intervened. Clearing his throat, he moved slightly into Eddie’s path and cautioned him, “Is this really a good idea? How is Patty—”

Eddie cut him off. “Barry, I know that you excel at being a stick-in-the-mud, and you’re twenty-five going on eighty. But it’s a party! Surely you can go bore someone else? Iris just got here.” It was the first time in her entire life that she could recall being so taken aback by or disagreed with Eddie’s behavior, and when he grabbed her hand to pull her onto the dance floor, she hung back. Finally, her reluctance seemed to get through to him, because he stopped to ask her what wrong.

“I know he’s your brother, and the two of you…well, you don’t always get along. But that was unfair. He a little serious, but he isn’t a bad guy,” she reprimanded him gently.

He grimaced. “Okay, you’re right. I’m sorry.” He gave her another one of his boyish grins, which had gotten him out of trouble over his entire life. “I’ll apologize to him later, too. But for right now, I really do want to dance with you.”

Iris almost protested, but then she was in his arms and he was sweeping her around the dance floor, and it was better than she’d ever dreamed. She felt herself get lost in his eyes, barely noticing when the song changed to something soft and slow and he pulled her closer, tempting her to rest her head on his shoulder.

“You know what I want?” he murmured in her ear. “I want to dance with you.”

“You are dancing with me,” she shot back with a slight laugh.

His grin was unrepentant. “I want to dance with you alone. It’s too public here; we can’t really talk.” Then, as though the idea had just occurred to him, he added, “Hey, there’s something you should see.”

She’d seen him pick up enough women that she knew what he was about to suggest. He was going to suggest that she meet him in his mother’s solarium. He would meet her there with a bottle of champagne and two glasses, and they would dance under the twinkling lights that were undoubtedly strung along the ceiling in observance of the upcoming holiday. While they danced, he would woo her with his words, and then they would kiss. Just because it was a scene she knew had played out dozens of times didn’t means she didn’t want to be a part of it.

“Okay,” she breathed, swaying toward him.

“Meet me in my mom’s solarium?” He paused, grimacing, as he realized that she wasn’t like most of the women he courted in this manner. “Oh, I just realized…you’ve probably already seen my mom’s solarium, huh?”

Afraid this hitch in his plans would cause him to grow skittish, she reassured him, “But I haven’t seen it in years! Will you show it to me?”

“I’d love to.” He danced her closer to the exit and came to a stop, though he didn’t immediately release her. “Head over, and I’ll follow you in a minute. I want to grab a bottle of champagne first.”

“Sure,” she breathed, watching with a wistful smile as he stepped away. The entire stroll to the solarium, she felt like she was walking on air.

[reyescarlos]

from the bottom i come running

co-written with @bilbobagglns in celebration of @starlightbuck‘s birthday. we love you so much, nicole! so much so that we dared to try our hand at writing a soccer fic just for you! happy birthday, lovebug!! 💕💜

read on ao3

It’s not that Eddie doesn’t like soccer, but he doesn’t really care for it.

So when he is asked if he wants to try out for a charity team of first responders, he declines with a smile. He is busy as it is without needing to add training on top of all his responsibilities. Also, truth be told, soccer rules don’t make much sense to him.

Baseball now! That’s his sport and he could rattle about it for hours, enough to put Mr. Trivia himself to shame. Speaking of which, of course Evan Buckley tried for the team and, of course, he made the cut.

That’s how Eddie finds himself in Oregon ready to cheer his friend on.

“Do you think Buck is going to like my sign?”

Christopher has worked hard on it – it’s painted in every color he had and he even insisted on glitter.

“It’s to cheer him on, Dad. It has to be colorful!”

“I know he’s gonna love it, bud.”

It’s the truth. Anything that Christopher will do, Buck will love. It’s as simple as that and this does nothing to Eddie’s heart, no. It’s not like Buck’s love for his kid, true and pure and unconditional, makes Eddie long for a life together with the three of them as a family.

(Well it does, but he will keep denying it.)

“Hi, is this seat taken?”

A man with kind eyes and a bright smile is pointing at the seat right next to Eddie.

“No, you can take it, no problem.”

“Thanks,” the stranger replies and extends his hand after sitting down. “I’m TK.”

“Eddie,” he replies, shaking his hand.

“Hi, I’m Christopher,” his son says and Eddie is bursting with pride and amusement as he reaches to take TK’s hand as well.

“Pleased to meet you, Christopher,” TK says easily. “That’s a beautiful sign you got there.”

Chris beams at the praise, his cheeks turning red but he holds TK’s gaze anyway.

“It’s for Buck,” he tells him like it explains everything, and to him, it does.

“He’s on the Purple Team,” Eddie reveals. “We’re all here to cheer on him.”

“And see him make a fool of himself hopefully.”

At the comment, Chris whirls to give Chim quite the impressive stare and in that moment he looks so much like his mother than it makes Eddie breath catch in his throat.

“He’s going to win,” Christopher announces, sure of himself like he would be of the sun rising in the morning. “Just you wait.”

“Don’t worry, Chris,” Hen intervenes with a gentle smile. “He’s just teasing.”

Seeming to accept the explanation, Chris gives Chim another warning look before turning back to the field, waiting for the players to come out and start the game.

“So your Buck,” TK says, “he’s on the Purple Team? So’s my boyfriend. His name is Carlos.”

“Oh, he’s a firefighter too?”

But TK shakes his head, “I am, he’s a cop.”

“That’s great. We’re all firefighters here, Buck too.”

“We’re not all firefighters here,” Athena cuts in.

Eddie laughs, “Yes, sorry. Athena here is a police officer.”

They talk about their stations, crazy calls they have encountered and TK fits in seamlessly with the big rowdy group that has become Eddie’s family of choice. They learn TK has come by himself to root for his boyfriend and that they both of them live in Texas, which in turn makes Eddie talk about El Paso and his time there.

Should they ever find themselves in Los Angeles, invitations have already been offered to TK, and by extension Carlos though they have yet to meet him, but if he proves to be as delightful as TK, there should be no reason not to enjoy his company as well.

“You’ll have to explain the rules to me,” TK fake whispers with good humor. “I only know they’re kicking after a ball and it’s supposed to get in the goal over there. That’s it.”

“Oh, I don’t really understand soccer. I’m only here for Buck.”

TK laughs freely at Eddie’s comment and then adds, tongue in cheek, “Well, aren’t we a pair? Two soccer novices cheering their boyfriends on?”

Behind them, Chim bursts out laughing and Hen almost chokes on her drink with her lour snickering. Meanwhile Eddie – Eddie is just frozen.

“I don’t,” he splutters at last and it takes him several tries to get a proper sentence out. “Buck and I aren’t dating.”

Frowning in confusion, TK glances at Eddie, then Chris who is still holding tight onto his Go Buck! sign, and Buck himself before settling his gaze on Eddie again.

“Oh,” is all he says, sounding like he is biting his tongue not to say more.

“They’re still in denial, don’t worry about it,” Chim intervenes and Eddie does not have to turn around to know that he is wearing a very satisfied smirk. “You get used to the pining.”

“No one is pining,” Eddie lies, quite well if he’d say so himself.

He knows very well that one person is in fact himself and it is not Buck, no matter how hard he wishes his feelings were returned.

“Keep telling yourself that, buddy,” Hen says, “and then one day you’ll finally get your head out of you as – butt and pull us all out of our misery.”

She catches herself before she swears but it doesn’t escape May who hides her laughing behind her hand. Hen winks at her before laughing too. Nia, in her mother’s arms, joins in the laughter just for the love of it.

“Come on,” Athena chimes in, trying to look stern but Eddie knows her well enough to see she is amused as the rest of the team. “Leave the poor man alone.”

TK’s eyes alight with restrained laughter when Eddie turns back to him, offering him a contrite smile.

Before anyone can embarrass him any further, the two soccer teams enter the field and the crowd screams out in excitement – Christopher being the loudest of them all.

Buck waves at them, a huge smile on his lips, his eyes alight even with the distance. Eddie’s heart soars with love.

The match starts and Eddie can only cheer with the rest of the crowd.

~*~*~

TK breathes in the fresh air, hoping that it’ll be enough to flush out the nervousness he feels in the pit of his stomach. Soccer may not be his area of expertise but each time he comes to watch Carlos out on the field for a match, he feels invested. A part of him is out there on the green. Even from such a great distance he can tell Carlos is having fun with this. He’s in his element, his strong legs all but making him a blur as he races down the field toward the goal post. It’s a marvel, truly, to watch Carlos in complete control of himself and the ball. For the life of him TK can’t understand how any of the players manage to do this with such ease. But there’s something just so special about Carlos in particular— though, TK realizes, that may just be his bias talking.

Though this game is hardly the World Cup, TK can’t help but to feel the pressure build within him, his knuckle turning white from how tightly he’s gripping the sign in his hand. It’s not nearly as colorful as Chris’ beside him but TK couldn’t resist getting into the spirit, donning a purple hoodie as well. He wishes Michelle or his father could be here now but TK has enough energy for everyone back home and then some.

“That’s Carlos,” he points out to Eddie and Chris.

TK eyes his boyfriend in his shorts, feeling his cheeks flush for a moment. He’s glad for the crisp autumn air to disguise it.

“Hey, he’s with Buck! Maybe they’re friends already,” Chris notes as the two guys exchange a quick low five after Buck makes an impressive block.

“That’d be awesome.”

TK grows quiet then, the players really pick up with intensity out on the pitch. He may be surrounded by people in the stands but his attention rests solely on the field before him, his eyes tracking Carlos’ every move.

Despite Carlos’ best efforts to get TK to understand the nuances of the game, TK’s knowledge is still rudimentary at best but it’s enough for him to know that his boyfriend is doing amazingly well out there. Carlos and Buck work seamlessly off each other as if they’re tuned into the same frequency.

TK breaks his attention away to smile over at Chris and Eddie, the two just as absorbed in the match as he’s been this whole time.

“Crazy, isn’t it?” he muses aloud.

“It’s like they’re flying,” Chris replies, eyes bright behind his glasses. TK can’t help but to agree as Buck and Carlos go thundering up the field.

Even though Buck’s maneuver is thwarted by the other team’s player, there’s no question that the man is extremely skilled as well.

TK’s eyes move over to Eddie who doesn’t seem to have heard any of the exchange TK has just had with his son. Eddie’s eyes are unmoving from the field and it’s obvious there’s only one person he’s truly paying attention to out there.

Despite what the man may have been willing to admit aloud or even to himself, TK can see Eddie’s affection for Buck clear as day on his face. Granted, he’s just a stranger but even from their brief conversation on the matter, he could discern a lot. As far as he could tell, Eddie didn’t have to worry. Chris was clearly a huge supporter of Buck, perhaps in more ways than one and Eddie’s crew seemed to be more than on board with the idea of them. All Eddie would have to do was be brave enough to say something but TK knew just how hard that could be.

Getting together with Carlos and letting go of his own fears was easier said than done but it landed him in the best, most meaningful relationship of his life. Now isn’t the time to have such a heart to heart and TK wonders if the man would even want to hear what he has to say on the matter. He’s an outsider but TK feels a kinship to him all the same. All he can do is hope that Eddie and Buck find their way to each other. If everyone can find the kind of happiness he’s found with Carlos, TK figures the world would be a better place.

TK feels his phone buzz inside his hoodie’s pocket. He sets his sign down and retrieves it, smiling at the screen when he sees an incoming FaceTime call from his father. He answers, his screen filling up with his dad’s face as he connects to his earbuds. He can see that he’s inside his office back at the 126, undoubtedly sitting before a mountain of paperwork.

“Hey, kid. How’s the match going?” Owen asks, not wasting any time in trying to see how Carlos is doing so far.

“Neither team has scored yet but Carlos is killing it out there, of course.”

TK flips the camera on his phone so his father can watch a bit of the match as well. The timing is perfect as Carlos is now in possession of the ball, doing some complicated footwork to maintain control that would have had TK tripping over his own feet if he were to even dare trying a move like that. TK can’t help but to beam with pride.

TK holds his breath as Carlos sidesteps a player on the orange team that’s barreling towards him. He rises to his feet, his heart in his throat as Carlos is able to keep control of the ball and sends it flying into the goal.

“Go, Carlos!” Chris shouts.

TK lets out a triumphant roar of his own, his father whooping as well. TK looks to Chris and gives the young boy a high five, beaming back at him.

“Oh man, I wish I could stay on and watch the rest of the game but duty calls. I’m sure Carlos and his team will keep the momentum going,” Owen says. “Enjoy the match and keep me posted.”

“Will do,” TK responds, quickly ending the call. He can feel his whole body buzzing with excitement for Carlos who finds him in the crowd and gives him a wink.

TK mirrors the move as he claps and sits back down again. He’s practically bouncing in his seat as the game continues.

The purple team continues to do well though no more points are scored as the second quarter begins but Buck and Carlos are on fire during this next leg of the match, their skills clearly a cut above the others. Buck manages another goal with an assist from TK, the two exchanging another low high five. The orange team tries to rally after Buck’s goal, desperate to at least score one point now that they’re down two nothing. The tactics become a bit more intense with players from the orange team clearly marking Buck and Carlos as the main ones to focus on. Carlos is being guarded heavily by one man on the orange team when he’s in possession. TK feels anxious watching Carlos try to break away but the man is like a shadow. As Carlos darts to the right, he’s felled by the other player who very deliberately tripped Carlos.

TK shoots up from his seat, his heart sinking to the pit of his stomach just as Carlos’ body drops to the ground, clutching at his leg. The crowd sucks in a collective breath but TK can only really register the sight of his boyfriend’s face contorting in pain. Buck crouches down beside him, speaking to him hurriedly.

“Dad, is Carlos going to be okay?” Christopher asks, his voice a quiet whisper as if not to spook TK. It’s touching that this kid he’s only just met is so considerate.

“I...I’m sure he’s alright,” Eddie says. He doesn’t sound entirely convincing but it hardly matters. The man’s words are like static in TK’s ears as he fights the urge to go racing out onto the pitch to check on Carlos himself and also give the other player a piece of his mind.

His body moves inches forward on its own accord as the rest of Carlos’ team crowds around him along with a medic from the sidelines and the referee heads who holds up a yellow card to the player responsible for bowling Carlos over and TK shouts his frustration.

“That’s it?” Certainly a red card and dismissal from the match would be the best course of action.

TK can see Buck getting upset at the call as well, the man drawing nearer to the referee to make the case. TK could just hug him for that, for stepping up and defending Carlos right then and there when he’s unable to do just that on his own.

It’s obvious Buck isn’t having much luck, his expression growing grimmer as the medic tends to Carlos. It’s torture watching his boyfriend in pain and TK can feel his eyes stinging as he struggles to keep himself in together as Carlos is helped off the field.

“I can’t just stand here,” he says to no one in particular.

TK leaves the stands, racing down the steps and hurrying along to where the purple team is congregated on the benches. He isn’t even sure he’s allowed down here but he doesn’t spare a thought to it as he pushes his way to Carlos’ side.

“TK? What are—,” Carlos starts but TK silences him with a hug.

“Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s my ankle. I think I twisted it.”

TK shoots a glare over at the orange team, searching for the guy responsible for this.

“Babe, it’s okay. I’m okay.”

“You’re the one with the busted ankle. I should be comforting you right now, not the other way around, Los.”

Carlos laughs and nods as the medic wraps his ankle and ices it. She confirms Carlos’ suspicion about the severity of his injury.

“True but I’d also like to make sure we keep the peace. This is a charity event after all and I’d hate to have to see my boyfriend arrested. Don’t forget, we’re surrounded by cops; you’re severely outnumbered,” he teases.

TK’s lips twitch with a smile, his disdain towards the other player fading away as he gives Carlos a quick kiss, cupping his cheek and brushing his thumb along Carlos’ cheekbone.

“I take it this is TK,” a voice says. TK turns and sees Buck holding out his hand. “I’m—”

“Buck. It’s nice to meet you.”

Buck’s brows furrow in confusion, no doubt wondering how it is that TK knows his name already. TK points over to where he had been seated in the stands, Christopher holding up his sign above his now that they’re all looking his way.

“I got the chance to meet your crew and two very special parts of it. Chris is the coolest kid ever and his dad is just as incredible.”

TK doesn’t miss the soft expression in Buck’s eyes as he looks over at the father and son duo. TK and Carlos exchange a glance before Buck turns his attention back on them again.

“They’re family,” Buck says simply with a warm smile. “How are you feeling, Carlos? What’d the medic say?”

“Twisted not sprained so that’s a relief. It’s low grade so I won’t be out of commission for too long.”

“The second the match is over I’m taking you right back to the hotel, alright? I know you’ll be fine but I’ll feel a hell of a lot better when you’re in bed getting rest.”

“Yes, Dr. Strand,” Carlos muses. “Report back to the stands. We all need to see Buck continue to kick some butt out there.”

TK gives him one last kiss. “To help with the pain and suffering,” he quips before hurrying back to rejoin Eddie and Chris.

~*~*~

Purple team wins.

Even as he cheers, Eddie spares a glance at his new friend and is relieved to find he has already rushed to his boyfriend's side and both TK and Carlos are smiling widely and clapping on the bench.

The crowd rushes on the field to congratulate the winners as loud as they can.

Both Eddie and Christopher are somehow the first to reach Buck despite the rest of their family getting a headstart on them while Chris got his crutches. Something tells him that they have let them, though he couldn’t say why.

(That’s a lie. He knows why.)

(Damn meddlers)

(That is also a lie. He loves them all dearly.)

Buck has sweated through his shirt, his normally well-coiffed hair is a mess of curls and unruly strands. Eddie has no rights to find him as beautiful as he does but he can’t help it.

Buck is magnificent. The sun itself must be envious of how bright he shines.

The energy is high and everyone is speaking excitedly about the game, Carlos’ injury and the insane rules of soccer.

Chim slaps Buck on his shoulder with a, “Good job, Buckaroo,” which earns him a satisfied look from Christopher, ever defendant of his Buck.

“Did you like my sign, Buck?” he asks, pointing to it now in Eddie’s hands.

“I loved it, buddy. Thank you so much, it’s the best sign anyone has ever made in the history of signs.”

From anyone else, it would have been an exaggeration to please a kid. From Buck, it’s nothing but the truth.

They stay a while there, chatting and laughing, and then the players go to change and finally, it’s time to leave. The kids are tiring and so are the adults if Eddie is being honest. The Oregon fall air keeps chilling and they are all angsty to get back inside where it’s warm.

“Eddie, wait.”

It’s TK running up to him, his phone in his hand which he gives to Eddie. Carlos waves at him from the car.

“Give me your number,” TK says. “I’ll hold you to your and your friends’ words when Carlos and I are in LA. I’m gonna have to see for myself how great your station is.”

“Of course,” Eddie replies with a laugh. “But be ready to be impressed.”

He gives TK his phone back.

“Reach out to if you ever find yourself in Austin, you and anyone else you’d wanna bring with.”

There’s something else there in between the words but TK is already saying goodbye, probably in a hurry to bring Carlos back to their hotel room so he can shower and rest his poor ankle.

Yet, half-turned, TK stills.

His gaze finds Eddie and, gently, only for his ears, he says something that has Eddie’s foundations shake.

“You know, if everyone sees it, it may be because it’s actually there.”

He glances behind Eddie before wiking at him and then he’s gone.

“They make a great couple,” Buck says when he comes up to him, seconds later.

Eddie can only hum in return, his thoughts are miles away.

“You’re okay?”

Buck is frowning in concern. His cheeks are still warm from the effort of the game but his breathing is even as his eyes wrack over Eddie’s face.

Buck is always so concerned about Eddie and Christopher too. He would gladly give up any plans he had if the Diaz boys only asked for anything at all.

Maybe it is there.

“TK thought we were dating,” he admits, voice low.

“Oh.” Silence. “Carlos thought so too.”

Eddie searches in his best friend’s eyes an answer to a question he can’t bring himself to ask just yet. What he finds gives him hope, and courage as well.

“Weird huh,” Buck says and he licks his lips in what Eddie recognizes to be nervousness.

He smiles, relieved beyond words. “No, not so weird.”

“No?

Buck is carefully hopeful, as if his heart beats too loud in his chest and he is afraid the whole world might hear it but unable to calm it all the same.

Serene like he has not been in so long a time, Eddie reaches for Buck’s hand and squeezes it.

“No,” he repeats. “It’s not weird at all.”

And though they don’t say it, they both know.

It is there and it is forever.

[tarlosbuddie]

Summary: It's been years since Eddie, Buck, and Christopher moved to Austin. Leaving Los Angeles and the 118 was hard, but it was the right decision for their family. They are happy at the 126. Tonight, the Diaz are hosting the 126 monthly dinner. It's a family tradition now. It brings back some memories and flashbacks.

Or the one where Buddie and Tarlos are friends and have lots of kids.

This is also part of my collaboration with the amazing @harvestleaves​ 

Word Count: 3470

Chapter : 1/2

Tags: Established relationship, Kid fic, domestic fluff, crossover, future fic

Relationship: Buddie and Tarlos

Read it on AO3

The 126 fire station

The shift is coming to an end and no one is complaining about it. It’s been a long day. They haven’t lost anyone but they barely had any time to catch their breath in between calls and one look at his team is enough for Owen to know they are all taking a nap as soon as the truck parks at the station. He is right, as usual. His son is the only one who’s not heading to the bunk room. He had a big smile on his face all day long.

“What makes you so happy son?” Owen finally asks, wanting to know the reason his exhausted son is looking at his phone, smiling, instead of catching up some well-deserved rest.

“Carlos keeps sending me those pictures” TK replies with a huge grin on his face. “It’s his day off, and his mom insisted on taking the kids shopping.” 

“Rookie mistake” Owen says. He tried once and his ‘quick shopping trip’ lasted for hours.

“They’ve been in the same store for three hours and Isabella has pretty much tried every piece of clothing she could find” the Strand boy adds while showing his dad all the photos Carlos had sent. The first three are very cute and show Bella wearing the beautiful clothes her grandmother picked out for her. Carlos’ mom is behind her with a bright and hopeful smile on her face. TK keeps scrolling to show his dad the rest of the outfits, dozens and dozens of pictures. From the reflection in the mirror, both men can see Mrs. Reyes’ hopes to leave the store slowly disappearing from her face. The last one is the one that melts TK’s heart the most. It’s a picture of his favorite little monster wearing a yellow hoodie and Carlos added the caption ‘She said she wanted to look like her daddy’.

“If they keep going like that, they will still be at the store tonight.”

“Not a chance” TK assures. “Her big brother won’t miss a dinner at the Diaz's for anything in the world.” 

“My little man is not the only one excited about tonight. I can’t wait to see the Buckaroos” says Owen, he looks around them, the firehouse is quiet. His team is sleeping, Michelle is on a call. Something is obviously missing. 

“Yeah, it’s weird here without big Buck” TK admits. Buck and him quickly became friends and not seeing him at work every day is weird, but he knows the blonde will be back at work in no time. He knows the whole team looks forward to seeing the youngest Diaz at the station again. Eddie of all people wants him by side, but he will not admit it in front of the others. His husband has a good reason to stay away from his job a little longer.

“We still have one hour left before the end of shift” the captain says. “You should try to rest a bit. I’m sure Buttercup is already warming up your bed.”

One hour of sleep won’t be enough to get properly rested from the long day they had, so TK decides to help his father filling the reports from all the calls they had. He sits on the couch on the corner of the captain’s office and Buttercup comes to sit next to him. They are halfway done with the paperwork when the shift is officially over. The members of the crew come quickly to let their captain know they are heading home. 

“Go, son, I’ll finish this alone,” Owen says. “I’ll see y’all tonight, guys”.

“See you” Eddie replies as he’s practically running, eager to come home to his family.

“Are you sure dad?” TK never liked paperwork, but he knows they can get it done faster together.

“Sure. I’m sure Bella is going to want to wear one of her new outfits tonight and she might need some help choosing from everything her grandmother bought her”, the kid’s grandfather says. He knows it’s probably true because no one ever spends more money than him spoiling his three grandkids.

“Okay then, see you soon.”

The Strand-Reyes’ house

TK drives back to his place. He doesn’t have a lot of time before they have to leave for the Diaz’s but he will make the most of the time he has with his family. He walks into the living room and kisses his husband before telling him and Matias about his day. The oldest is still too young to understand everything about his dads jobs but he knows they are both heroes who save people. Owen would love to see him being a third-generation firefighter but he will never influence his grandkids. Luis is playing on Carlos’ lap, stretching his arms towards TK for him to hug him. Owen was wrong about something, Isabella only got two new pieces of clothes. A dress, bought by Carlos’ mother, and the hoodie Carlos bought her. TK knows that she decided to wear this one because she’s holding his in her tiny hands.

“Oh, you want me to wear mine too, huh?” he asks his 3-year-old daughter. TK grabs his hoodie and carefully puts Luis on the couch next to his dad. “I’m gonna take a quick shower and we’ll be ready to go.” 

Carlos does not reply. He watched over his baby boy while helping Matias finish the drawing he made as a gift for tonight’s hosts. Owen once told his grandkids to never show to someone’s house empty-handed, and even though the Captain was thinking about the nice bottle of wine he always brings when he’s invited somewhere, he’s glad to see that the boy learned that gesture from him. Matias makes sure to draw something lovely every time, and now the whole team has an original Matias Strand-Reyes drawing on their fridge.

The Diaz’s house

Buck just hang up the phone with Carla. They still facetime from time to time. It’s not the same as having her around, but the Diaz family will always have a soft spot for her. She helped them in so many ways, they won’t ever know how to repay her for everything.

Eddie and the rest of the 126 will be here soon. So Buck sets his phone on the kitchen counter, enjoying the view of his entire family on the screen before opening the recipe he was given last week. He still thinks about Carla and a conversation they had a few years ago.

Buck had come home after a quiet shift. His apartment barely felt like home. He used to love it so much but ended up finding it empty and cold. He was so happy during his shift, smiling while working under the burning LA sun. Somehow, his joy disappeared when he crossed the threshold. He was missing something. He didn’t want to stay at his place, so he texted Maddie but she had plans with Chimney. He texted Carla and she just replied with ‘just get your ass here Buckaroo’. Her husband was working late and she cooked extra food so she didn’t mind having Buck for dinner at her place.

As soon as he arrived, she asked him why he wasn’t with Eddie. The second Eddie’s name left her mouth, she couldn’t place another word. Buck started by explaining the firefighter was having a family dinner with his parents and his Abuela. It was one of those rare times his parents were in town and Buck didn’t want to bother them by coming along, even though Eddie invited him. After explaining that, he never stopped talking. He told Carla about the amazing idea Eddie had at work to save a girl, and then he kept on talking about his best friend. Carla could barely speak. She didn’t mind, she loved that boy. He had a kind heart and she knew it the second he knocked on Abby’s door to help her find her mom. It was getting late and they both knew it because Buck commented on the fact that Eddie and Chris’ dinner was probably done since Eddie had sent him a picture of Chris falling asleep in front of the movie. Helena and Ramon didn’t seem to be there and Buck assumed they went back to sleep at their hotel. Carla looked at him with a huge smile.

 “What?” Buck genuinely asked her, not realizing what she was smiling about.

 “You’ve been talking about Eddie for two hours Buckaroo.”

 “No. I’m-I’m not” he babbled. “I’m just making conversation.”

 “It’s okay. I know you love him.”

 “Of course I love him. I love all my team” he said, trying to control his voice that started to crack.

“That’s not what I mean. You are in love with him, Buck.”

 “I-I’m not. We are best friends. He’s my best friend.” he repeated, more to convince himself to convince her. 

He hugged her goodbye, and spent the next hours in his empty apartment, looking around. He saw Eddie’s key on his key ring, the dishes from the dinner they had together the night before were still in the sink, and the shopping list on his fridge had Eddie’s handwriting on it because he knew Buck always forgot important stuff while shopping, so his best friend adds them on the list to be sure he gets everything he needs. Eddie and his son’s presence is everywhere, from Chris’ drawing next to the shopping list on the fridge, to his bedside table where the framed pictures from the first time they went to see Santa together next to the one of him and Maddie. But none of them were in the room, and that was the reason why his place felt the cold. For the first time in a while, he did not spend his free time with the Diaz boys. 

Carla was right. He needed Eddie like he needed air. He loved Eddie. This realization scared him. He could not love him. His friend would freak out and leave him if he knew Buck loved him. But Buck was the one freaking out and he couldn’t stop himself from picturing every possible scenario in his head. He was about to grab his jacket to go out when he realized he didn’t even take it off after coming back from Carla’s. He took his key and jumped in his jeep.

Buck can barely hear Eddie coming behind him. The blonde is slightly bending on the kitchen counter, cutting vegetables. It’s one of the rare moments where he looks smaller than Eddie. Taking advantage of Buck’s position, the older man rests his head in between Buck’s neck and his shoulder, lacing both his hands around his husband’s waist and watches him preparing their dinner. Eddie’s muscles are tense from work, and the nap in the bunk room didn’t do any good to his body, but feeling the man he loves in his arms is exactly what he needs to feel better. Buck smells like home; the scent of the dinner he’s cooking, the perfume of the kids shampoo from when he gave a bath to Andrea before and the gentle musk of the aftershave they both use. 

It’s their time to host the 126 monthly dinner and Buck wants it to be perfect because he knows these nights are as important for their kids as it is for them. Andrea is always enjoying being around the rest of the kids, and she loves when they are hosting it because she gets to play house and entertain her crowd. Both men know she will be in the kitchen with them in no time, she always is. Eddie notices his husband looks distracted.

“What’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” he said, while both his hands are still around him. His fingers are slowly touching Buck to bring him back from the thoughts he seems to be lost in.

His head is still playing back the memories of the day that changed his life forever. 

In front of the Diaz’s door, Buck froze. He turned his back to the door and started walking back to his car. It was late, it was stupid. He should go home. But he moved towards the door again. It was dark and cold outside, and Buck was pacing, not knowing what to do. His heart wanted to go towards Eddie while his head told him to go back home and forget everything Carla told him. But his feet didn’t know who to listen to. He knocked gently on the door before he had time to think about what his mouth was supposed to say.

Eddie looked at him, and smiled before letting him in. He was not really surprised to see Buck at his door. There was always beer in the fridge and his favorite snacks somewhere in case his friend showed up. 

“I don’t want to lose you,” Buck whispered. Eddie was close enough to hear it, but he didn’t understand it. Where was this coming from? None of them were injured during their shift, Eddie had no intention of moving out, things were fine and Buck was not making any sense.

“You won’t lose me Buck. I’m fine, and I’m not going anywhere”.

“But I might lose you,” Buck said, a little louder but he looked more scarred that Eddie had ever seen him. “You might never want to see me again.”

“That won’t happen. Not to us.” Eddie promised him, he meant it. He was never gonna let anything come in between them. “Talk to me, man.”

“I can’t. I can’t do this” Buck was turning his back on him, putting his hand on the door handle to run home and forget this. Eddie placed his hand on Buck’s to stop him from opening the door.

“I can’t risk losing what we have” the blonde said, his back still turned away from his friend.

“Okay, now you are scaring me” Eddie confessed, while he gently forced Buck to turn his face to him. He was not letting him go. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”

“It’s not my head that’s the problem.”

“What’s your problem?” as soon as the words left his mouth, they echoed with their argument during his first day, but his tone is gentle. Just like this day, Eddie’s eyes won’t leave Buck.

“You’re my problem” Buck replied, and Eddie’s mind is definitely went back to the gym where they had that heated talk. This time Buck’s voice is not angry. He’s almost whispering and his gaze left Eddie’s eyes to look at the hand, nicely rested on his shoulder, his thumb gently pressed on Buck’s neck, slowly coming up to be on his face, and that’s exactly the problem. His heart is racing against his chest and he feels like if the other man comes any closer his heart will beat so hard he will jump out of his chest and crumble on the floor.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“There is nothing wrong with you, Eddie. You’re perfect, you’re too perfect. I l-” he tried to stop himself but it was too late. The words were half unspoken and he had to finish what he started. Carla’s voice was playing on repeat in his head and Eddie was still looking at him. He didn’t know for how long he was silent. The sound of his heart sounded even louder suddenly as Eddie’s left hand mirrored his right one on the other side of Buck’s cheeks. Using his gentle hold on his face to force Buck to look at him, Eddie broke the unbearable silence.

“There’s nothing you can say that could make me love you less” Eddie said. Buck’s lips were finally moving to say something before he fully registered what the other just said.

“Wh-What?” Buck rambled.

“You heard me Buck” Eddie said softly. But if it meant the face in between his hands can finally stop shaking, he was willing to say it as many times as he needed to. “I’m in love with you, you fool. And I’m seriously hoping that that’s what you were trying to say or I will be the fool”.

Buck nodded, still shaking. He didn’t know what else to do, but Eddie was cupping his head his tender hands, and the shaking stopped when Eddie’s lips met his.

They definitely had to thank Carla for that and she was pretty proud to include this in her toast at their wedding reception years later. 

Smiling, Buck fully comes back to reality. Eddie’s body against his is anchoring him to the present. Sometimes it’s still feels like a dream, all of it seems too good to be true. But it is real, as real as Eddie’s breath against the back of his neck.

“I just- I just love you Eddie.” the man declares like it’s the first time. Eddie does not need to hear him say it to know how much his husband loves him. But he will never get tired of hearing those three words.

“And I love you too” he replies while placing a kiss down Buck’s neck. No matter how many times he says these words, he will always feel like the man in front of him is constantly surprised to hear that he is loved. He could repeat them for the rest of their lives if it means to be greeted by the most genuine smile in return. “But this house is soon going to be full of hungry kids” he reminded him before they both lost themselves in the moment “and we don’t want to hear TK bragging about Carlos’ cooking skills.”

 “You wanna turn this diner into a cooking competition, Diaz?” Buck teases.

 “You know you’ve been a Diaz too for the past five years, right?” Eddie asks and there’s suddenly a wide grin on Buck’s face.

“I know, I just love the sound of that.” Buck sighs when he feels Eddie’s hands leaving his body, but his pout turns into another big smile when he feels his fingers taking the knife out of his hand to help him with the cooking. 

Eddie cuts the vegetables left on the kitchen counter when Buck happily starts the rest of the recipe. Andrea appears in between them but has no interest in helping with the dinner. She’s only interested when her dad is making desserts, so she can give a hand and fill her stomach at the same time. By the time Eddie arrived, the cake is already on the oven, so Andrea just hangs with her dads while they do the rest of the boring work. She’s five but she’s already teasing her older dad on his lack of cooking skill.

“Dada” she said while clinging to Buck’s leg, “Don’t let daddy cook. I’m hungry.”

Buck can’t hold his laugh in, and Eddie would be lying if he said he didn’t find it cute. He took her by the hand and guided her towards the cupboard.

“What if you helped me set the table while Dada makes us something we can actually enjoy?” Eddie asked her with a big smile. 

Andrea is not complaining, setting the table is something she really enjoys, it’s something usually the grownups do in their house and she feels like a big girl when she is doing it. Eddie gives her the plastic plates for the kids’ table, and she happily walks towards the table where she’s about to have a great time with her friends. She puts the green plate next to hers because she knows it’s Matias’ favorite color. Bella is going to be in front of her, next to Tucker Ryder. And for the rest of the kids, the smaller ones, they will be on their parents’ lap, at the grownup table. Aside from Bella, the other kids never complained about sitting at another table, they all love to have their secret conversations without their parents being here. 

“Can I help?” Chris asks. His voice is joyful. He loves those dinners too. Especially since, unlike his sister, he gets to be at the adult table. The 14-years-old has known the 126 for a long time, they are his family.

Before Eddie can think of something he could ask his son to do, the door rang.

“Well, you can welcome our guests, buddy,” he says before jogging to the kitchen to see if the dinner is ready.

“Buck, don’t let dad near the food” Chris jokes before opening the door.

In a few minutes the first guests will arrive and the pressure from the day will vanish, and be replaced with love, laughter and happiness. No matter how tired everyone is after a shift like this one, knowing they are together in this will always make things better. 

[tripleaxeldiaz]

all was golden when the day met the night

chapter 3/5

read on ao3

start from the beginning

“...and then we saw the lions, but they were sleeping so they weren’t very scary. And the otters were so cute, and they came right up to the glass when they were swimming underwater!”

Eddie smiles as Chris recounts their day at the zoo to his parents over FaceTime. The monthly calls had been their idea, a way for them to stay up to date on Chris’s life in between holidays and summer visits. It was also their way of having a scheduled time to nitpick Eddie’s life from 800 miles away.

He loves his parents, he does. He just loves them more when they aren’t speaking.

“Your face looks a little red, sweetheart, were you wearing sunscreen today?” his mother asks, face getting too close to the camera as she inspects her grandson.

“Yeah, Dad put some on me when we got there.”

“Did he put on any more during the day?” Her eyes shifted to Eddie, perched next to Chris on the couch. “You know you need to reapply every two—”

“Yes, Mom, I did. And it’s getting late so we should really get going, say goodbye buddy—”

“Wait! I didn’t show them my snakes!” Chris rifles through his backpack underneath the coffee table, yanking out a folder and flipping through it until he finds the drawings he and Buck worked on. He holds them up triumphantly, angling them so his grandparents could see. “Buck helped me with them!”

“And Buck is…”

“Dad, you know who Buck is. My friend that owns the tattoo shop?” He tries not to ignore how calling Buck his “friend” feels like a disservice to all that he really is, how it tastes like sand in his mouth.

“He’s an awesome artist,” Chris pipes in. “He has huge books in the shop of all the stuff he can do, and sometimes he lets me watch when he’s working!”

His parents blanche at that, and Eddie is really not prepared to have this argument right now. He and Chris had a great day together, a rare day when he wasn’t in the shop for any reason, leaving it in Hen’s more than capable hands. They had a lot of fun at the zoo, were getting ready for a Marvel double feature in their living room, and Eddie was in an honest-to-god good mood, for once not plagued by lingering stress or ambiguous sadness. He’s not about to let any outside judgements ruin that.

“I think it’s time to go. Chris, can you say goodnight and go get your pajamas on?” Chris waves as he grabs his crutches and heads to his room. Eddie turns back to say a quick goodbye, but his dad clears his throat before he can speak.

“You leave your son alone in a tattoo parlor?”

“He’s not alone, Dad, he’s with Buck and all the other adults that work there. Plus it’s only in a pinch.”

“Eddie, do you really think those are the kind of people you should be leaving Christopher with?” his mother asks, a look of contempt masked by concern on her face.

Eddie takes a slow breath in and out through his nose. No use in giving them more ammo by getting angry. “Just because you don’t like their business doesn’t mean they’re bad people.”

“We just want to make sure Christopher is—”

“He’s fine. He’s happy when he’s learning to draw with Buck. I’m not going to take that away from him just because you don’t like it. Now we have to go, we’ll talk to you later.” He hits the red end button before they can protest any further. He tips his head back to rest on the couch and scrubs a hand over his face, his good mood now tinged with prickly frustration.

He thinks his parents mean well, but they’ve always been forceful when it comes to Chris, especially after Shannon left. It’s like they knew, somehow, how lost Eddie was on his own, how scared he was that every little thing he did was setting Chris up for failure, and took every opportunity to fix something he was doing or tell him he was wrong. That he didn’t actually know what Chris needed since he had been gone for so long. 

Eventually, Eddie started believing them.

But when Mrs. Negrelli gave him the money to start his own shop, he didn’t just see it as a fresh start for himself, but for Chris too. Eddie would be able to take them anywhere, away from the looming disappointment of his parents, and give himself the opportunity to figure out how to best be the dad that Chris needed. And if the past year is any indication, he knows he made the right choice, a credit he isn’t usually able to give himself. He’s not perfect, still second guesses himself constantly, but Chris gets invited to birthday parties and sleepovers and gets As on his report card, so something must be working.

Chris comes back from his room, Spider-Man pajamas on, handing Eddie the remote to queue up the first movie. He’s happily chattering about all the cool things Spider-Man’s costume does in the movie, and as he settles into Eddies’s side, head resting on his chest, Eddie feels the prickliness subside, replaced by the contentment he only ever feels around his son.

They’re good here. Chris is happy here. That’s all that matters to Eddie.

~~~~~~~~~~

Sundays are Eddie’s favorite days in the shop — traffic is usually slow, so he has time to plan out orders for the rest of the week and make sure their inventory is in check. It’s a little monotonous, but it eats up about four hours of time and gives him a break from any real thinking, so he feels almost relaxed by the time he’s done stocking cases. He has the added bonus of Chris and Buck’s conversation in the back room as background noise, interspersed with the occasional yell and slap of the table and Buck teaches him a new card game. The melody of Chris’s laugh and the harmony of their voices soothes him even more than usual, quiets some of the lingering annoyance from his call with his parents.

As he heads into the back room to grab the last boxes of peonies, Chris beckons him over to the table where he and Buck have been stationed since breakfast. It’s become a bit of a tradition: Buck brings muffins or bagels from Bobby and Athena’s bakery on Sundays and hangs out until the afternoons when his earliest appointments are scheduled (I refuse to tattoo anyone while they’re hungover from Saturday, Eddie. It’s not good for them and the extra complaining is certainly not good for me.). 

Maybe that’s another reason Sundays are his favorite days. Add that to the list of secret feelings involving Buck that are following him to the grave.

“Dad! Look, I colored Buck’s skull purple!” Chris says as Eddie comes behind his chair, bracketing him in with his arms on the table. Chris giggles as Eddie kisses the top of his head, leaning over him for a closer look. Buck’s latest tattoo is indeed a bright shade of purple, the roses surrounding it colored in blue.

“I told him I like cooler colors and he ran with it,” Buck says. Eddie’s eyes shift to Buck’s face, and he feels his heart stutter when he sees the soft, fond smile directed at Chris. It stutters again when Buck’s eyes meet his, that familiar warmth settling over him as Buck’s smile gets bigger, and he feels good enough, relaxed enough, that it actually soaks into his skin. Buck’s gaze flits down to Eddie’s arm where it’s still bracketing Chris, a crease appearing right between his eyebrows. The urge to lean over and kiss it away is unbelievably sudden and strong, and Eddie silently congratulates himself for keeping it together.

“Your ink looks a little faded there, Eds. I can fix it up for you, if you want.”

Eddie looks at the script on his arm, twisting it back and forth to see the whole thing. Buck’s right, the ink does look duller. Makes sense for a tattoo he got on his 18th birthday that he definitely didn’t take care of properly. 

Fortalecer la mente y superar el cuerpo. Strengthen the mind and overcome the body. When he was young and invincible, that seemed like all he needed. A clear head, clear purpose, clear desires, and he’d be able to do anything he wanted. If he followed the rules and did everything right, he’d get a happy ending.

But, once again, it hadn’t been enough. And now, looking at that tattoo just reminds him of the ways he’s failed. How he hasn’t been able to make his mind into anything resembling strong, how there are days when he’s so weak even basic functions take too much effort. How a happy ending is feels so far away he can’t remember what one even looks like.

He shrugs, hand rubbing the tattoo unconsciously. “Maybe, I kinda just want to let this one fade out though. Maybe get a different one somewhere else.”

“Well, my offer of a free tattoo still stands, just name the day.” Buck says. 

Chris gasps and twists around in his seat, eyes bright with excitement. “Can I help you pick it out? Can I draw it? I’m good at lots of stuff now, and Buck can help!”

And he’s not sure what it is — the smile on Chris’s face at the idea, Buck’s matching one, the lingering frustration with his parents transforming into rebellion (something he hasn’t felt since he last got a tattoo), or a combination of the three. But before he can think too hard about it, he hears himself saying:

“You know what? Why not. I’ll get another tattoo, and you guys can design it.”

They cheer and high five each other, Chris hugging Eddie tight around the middle.

“But,” Eddie says, “I do want final approval. And no cartoon characters.”

“I promise, Dad, it’ll be the best tattoo ever!” Chris grabs his nearby notebook and starts doodling, chattering happily about what he thinks will look good. Buck catches his eye again and winks, and Eddie’s returning smile is the easiest it’s ever been.

He grabs the boxes he came back for and goes to the front, still smiling as he hears Buck and Chris very seriously discuss the details of what Eddie should get. He’s not nervous, really, but he does say a silent prayer to whoever is listening that they don’t pick something too big or too bold. He loves them both, but not that much.

~~~~~~~~~~

They take about a week to design it and are so secretive they might as well be planning a jewel heist. It seems like every time Eddie walks into a room, they’re there with their heads pressed together, whispering over sheets of paper and pens. When Eddie tries to sneak a peek, they quickly hide everything away so he can’t see. Buck throws his whole body on the table at one point just to cover up the sketches.

Again, he’s not nervous. But the anticipation does start to get to him.

Finally, after a busy Saturday full of wedding deliveries, they announce that the design is complete, and Eddie is scheduled at Armageddon the following Friday evening. Chris already has a sleepover with Denny that night and won’t be able to come, but he makes Eddie double pinky promise to send pictures to Hen as soon as it’s done. 

It’s Friday now, and Eddie is all set up at Buck’s station in the back of the shop, waiting to see the final product of Buck and Chris’s hard work. He is a little nervous now, but he mostly blames that on Buck, who keeps looking over the sketchpad, pen in hand like he wants to make last minute changes, or like something isn’t quite right.

“Just show me, Buck,” Eddie says after a few minutes of watching Buck bite his lip in worry. Whatever the design is, he’s sure he’ll love it, if for no other reason than because of the two people who made it.

“Okay, okay. You can be honest if you don’t like it, but I think you’re gonna like it.”

He flips the paper over, turning it towards Eddie. It’s a crescent of flowers, an unfinished wreath, featuring moonflowers, Eddie’s favorite, with their starburst centers spiraling open, and ox-eye daisies, which he knows Chris loves. Sprigs of lavender and thyme fill in the gaps, and there’s a small bee floating around the center. It’s beautiful and a little chaotic, but it’s perfect. Reminders of his son and peace and courage that he’ll be able to carry with him always, that he’ll be able to look at when he forgets that he is capable of bravery or deserving of peace. He stares at the sketch, taking in every detail, for who knows how long. Buck clears his throat to get his attention.

“Chris thought the daisies and moonflowers would look good together, and they’re both white so no need for color. I thought the herbs would be nicer than just plain leaves. And he wanted it in a ‘C’ shape, you know, for Christopher.”

Eddie laughs and shakes his head. “And the bee?”

“Chris thought that would be cute, too, but you can nix that if you want.” There’s a faint blush dusting Buck’s cheeks as his eyes track down to the bee in question. “So, what do you think? Any major changes? You can tell me if you hate it, I won’t tell Chris.”

He looks up and Buck’s eyes are excited and worried all at once. Eddie would do anything to take the worry away, but at least this time it’s an easy fix.

“I don’t hate it, it’s perfect,” he says, handing the sketch back to Buck and settling back in the chair. “Let’s do this.”

Buck smiles brightly as he grabs an antiseptic wipe, holding Eddie’s right arm steady as he wipes down the area just below his elbow crease where the tattoo will go. Eddie knew he wanted it there as soon as he’d agreed to get one — he’d be able to see it easily when he needed to, and he liked that it matched the placement of his current one, would almost be replacing it if the words ever fully faded away. Once it’s cleaned, Buck puts a temporary transfer of the design there to trace over, starts up the tattoo machine, and loads the ink. The low buzzing of the machine mixes with the music playing and soft conversation coming from other clients in the shop, washing over Eddie like white noise.

Buck takes his arm again, machine in hand, and locks his eyes on Eddie. “Ready?”

“Ready.”

“You can yell if it hurts too bad, just try not to pass out.”

Eddie rolls his eyes, says “It’ll be—” before cutting off with an involuntary hiss as the needle touches his skin. Buck snorts, and Eddie does his best to glare but feels it fall short.

He hadn’t worried about the pain — he vaguely remembered the sensation of being stabbed over and over again and didn’t remember it hurting that bad. He had also been shot before, so he figured he’d be able to handle it.

What he hadn’t taken into account was that for the next two hours or so, he and Buck would be very close together, close enough that Eddie can feel Buck’s breath on his arm as he traces over the outline, feels his strong hand on his wrist as he keeps Eddie from twitching. He had never been this close to Buck, had never allowed himself to be, and now that he is, he’s not sure how to act. He tries to look anywhere else, takes in the art on the wall, watches the other clients with Maddie and Chimney. He tries to make a to-do list for the weekend in his head, go over the things Chris will need for school next week, mentally figure out the designs for next week’s orders.

It’s all in vain, though, because no matter what, his eyes always drift back to Buck. From here, he can take in everything, and for once, he lets himself, because who knows when he’ll have this opportunity again. 

Buck’s brow is furrowed in concentration, blue eyes dark as they focus. He can almost count every eyelash, and his birthmark stands out even more than usual, almost glowing under the fluorescent lights. Eddie itches to reach out and touch it, feel how soft he imagines Buck’s skin to be under his fingertips. His cheekbones and jawline are sharp and beautiful, and Eddie wonders again how anyone could resist them. How someone could look at this man, have even one conversation with him, and decide they didn’t want more. He’s biting his lip as he finishes the first moonflower, and it turns and even darker pink as he releases it. Eddie gets a little lost imagining how those lips would feel on his, how gentle and warm and good. He imagines feeling them on his shoulder as they wake up on a Saturday morning, sees them laughing as they both make breakfast, trading kisses as they go. He wants to taste them, feel them moving down his neck, down his chest, wrapping around his—

He inhales quickly and shakes his head, because this is not the time nor the place to go down that particular road. Thankfully, Buck’s still in his own little world, eyes never leaving Eddie’s arm. He must mistake Eddie’s movement for discomfort, because he moves his free hand down from his wrist until they’re holding hands, Buck’s thumb moving slowly back and forth in comfort.

“You can squeeze if it hurts too bad,” he mutters, still not looking up. Thank god too, because Eddie can feel his face go bright red and his heart start working overtime.

The first pass takes about an hour, and they take a break so Eddie can stretch his legs and Buck can get more ink. There’s still some detailing left to do, but Eddie already can’t stop staring at the tattoo. It looks even better than the sketch, and having a tribute to his son literally branded on his skin fills a fiercely paternal part of him like nothing else ever has. There’s also a smug part that’s still 17 years old and can’t wait to see the looks on his parents’ faces when they have their next video call.

Buck finishes getting set up again and Eddie settles back in the chair. It’s quieter now — they’re the only two on the floor, Maddie and Chimney having finished up and moved to the back room, and the music playing over the speakers is something slower, stripped down, seems to filter into the room and soften all the hard edges of the world. Buck catches his eye from where he’s sitting, asking silent permission to start. Eddie nods, and he feels his heart swell when Buck automatically grabs his hand again. 

He’s got maybe 45 more minutes in this proximity to Buck, and he takes full advantage: notes the way his curls are starting to fall loose after a long day, tries to catalogue each shift of his face, every twitch of concentration, the shadow of his stubble growing in. Getting to study him like this — memorize the details of the beautiful face that houses an even more beautiful soul — makes all the feelings Eddie’s been trying to fight for months now bubble to the surface, fizzing inside of him like pop bubbles. 

But there’s a chill that settles in as well, because despite his heart desperately pulling him towards this man, he reminds himself once again that he can’t have this. He can’t let himself have this, can’t do that to Buck. He’s supposed to be forgetting about his feelings, releasing them so they can both be happy — Buck with someone who deserves him and Eddie...alone. With Chris, but still. Alone. And now he has to wrestle with that while a slide show of Buck’s every facial feature plays through his head on a likely infinite loop.

He can’t forget as easily as he thought. If he’s honest, there’s a small, hopeful part of himself that doesn’t want to forget, that never wanted to forget, and it’s getting louder and harder to ignore with each passing minute.

“Done!” Buck says as he turns off the machine and wipes away the last of the excess ink. Eddie looks at the finished product, a soft smile settling on his lips. He looks up and sees Buck watching him, looking hopeful. “What do you think?”

Eddie’s finger hovers over a daisy reverently. “It’s beautiful,” he whispers, smile spreading as he meets Buck’s eye again. “Thank you, Buck.”

Buck returns the smile, squeezing Eddie’s hand where they’re still clasped together, neither of them moving to let go. They’re still in each other’s bubble, close enough that Eddie can still count Buck’s eyelashes, and he watches Buck watch him for a moment. His eyes roam his face like he too is cataloging Eddie from here, and that hopeful voice is convincing him that from where they’re sitting, it’d be so easy to lean in and confirm exactly what Buck tastes like, how his lips would feel under his own. Just six inches away from allowing himself to be happy, because he can’t imagine being anything else with Buck.

His phone goes off from his pocket, immediately bursting the bubble, both of them flinching as the loud trill fills the shop. They both know it’s Chris, but he still looks at Buck apologetically, like it’s his fault for shattering whatever atmosphere they’d just been living in. Buck just waves toward the phone, squeezing his hand one more time before letting go to clean up his station. He talks to Chris for a bit, showing him the tattoo from every angle, and Chris talks to Buck as well, gushing about what a great job Buck did. Buck blushes at the praise, and that tug of want pulls at Eddie again.

They hang up and Eddie gathers his things while listening to Buck’s strict aftercare instructions, both heading to the front door so Buck can lock up. 

“Are you sure I can’t pay you?” Eddie asks.

“I told you it was on the house and I meant that. Plus it’s nice to work on someone I actually care about.”

Eddie feels his face get warm, hopes the neon lights in the window are bright enough to cover it up. It gets warmer as they continue looking at each other, neither willing to break their little bubble again. He thinks he sees Buck move more toward him, like he wants to get closer, but he stops himself before following through, leaning back on his heels instead, looking sheepish.

“Goodnight, Eddie. I’ll see you guys tomorrow, yeah?”

“Yeah, we’ll see you tomorrow.”

Eddie waves as he leaves, stepping into the cool night to walk back to the apartment. He keeps glancing down at his arm on the walk and while he’s getting ready for bed, thinking of the care Chris and Buck both put into creating it. That small voice in his head keeps nagging him, saying Buck wouldn’t do something like this, something this personal, for just anyone. He complains about his clients enough for Eddie to know that’s true.

Maybe the voice is on to something. As he falls asleep, Eddie lets himself think that maybe, maybe, on top of everything, on top of two years of friendship and flowers and looks that make Eddie’s insides flutter, maybe these feelings he’s been trying to ignore aren’t as one sided as he thought.

Maybe he has a chance.

[lamalefix]

A whisper of smoke 5/5

[Buddie fic; Heavy Angst; Angst with a Happy Ending; Hurt/Comfort; Emotional Hurt/Comfort; Established Relationship; Major Character Injury; Blood and Injury; Eddie’s POV; I don’t know how to English; I Don’t Even Know how to tag; I don’t even know why; Author.exe has stopped working]

now part of a series

read  ch1; ch2; ch3; ch4

[read this work on ao3]

Eddie has always been good at bottling emotions and putting them away, in am airlocked room with the “deal with it later” label on, when that “later” never arrives, not until the room is saturated and the door threatens to give in.

In recent months he has given himself little time to think, he had to bottle everything and put everything in his airlock: first for Christopher, not to let him sink with him and with his bad mood, not that it was easy, and more than once he found himself wobbling, the weight of the situation upon him that pressed and pressed and pressed and took his breath away. So, he built new, tight routines, made of hospital rooms and doctors, work, appointments with Frank to dispel some of that fog in the airlock, as well as taking care of Christopher and make sure that this thing, this huge, weighting thing that was happening to them didn’t take away all that they had.

But now that the finish line is near, now that it’s all a little quieter and that future is now palpable between in his fingers, and he’s on his way to where he wants to be, all the things he bottled up are now pressing against the airlocked door. Frank helps, ever so cryptic, Christopher helps with his beaming smile, and Buck, Buck who’s simply there, awake and talking, always looking and waiting for him every single day, helps. Even his parents help, in their own way, when they don’t question his educational choices with his son or on his life choices, in general.

And maybe it’s because he’s happy now, happier, because he finally sees the light at the end of the tunnel, he finally sees the finish line and it’s almost where he wants to be, with his beautiful and smart kid, next to Buck for the rest of his life, that the door, always well closed, is giving in.

It started with a nightmare, one night he wouldn’t know how long ago, but now it’s all more present, heavier, more urgent. Because now he’s finally lowering his defences, something that before he couldn’t, absolutely couldn’t let go. And this thing that eats away at his eyes and eats his days, it sticks to him like a bad habit. It’s the distant, familiar hissing of the smoke, just before the explosion, just before Buck was torn from him, trapped under that house, in that hell of flames and ashes.

It smells like smoke, that night, in his nightmare it doesn’t even look like a ton, it’s just the smell of something, even a piece of paper, burning. And he has the clear feeling of the wind sweeping on his face the dust and dirt, the temperature rising.

And before he can react, can run to the burning house that collapses piece by piece, Buck’s voice echoing mechanically in his head, he wakes up.

And it takes a moment to remember.

Just to remember that the bed is only temporarily empty and cold, that Buck will soon, very soon, as soon as the doctors decide he can be discharged, he’ll come home, and he shouldn’t feel so… broken. He really shouldn’t but─

His blood is pounding in his ears as his heart is pounding in his chest. Between his trembling fingers he holds the sheet while his feet tingle.

Clouded by a sleep that hasn’t been at all restful and by a nightmare that has taken his breath away, his head needs another moment to realize that that uncomfortable feeling that now hangs on his chest like a boulder, the heart throbbing and the sight blurring as if looking at the room through a strange wide angle, is something he already knew. Something that has accompanied him for a long time. And that sometimes hurts more than a heart attack.

It’s panic, plain and simple.

But as usual he decides to bottle all this and label it as “having a moment”, and closes again the door of his airlocked room.

.

It’s one in a long line of nightmares, which usually only take his sleep away when he’s at home, and not when he’s at the station, alert, ready for a call.

He’s gotten pretty good at covering up even in front of Frank’s expert eye, little conversations about future plans now that Buck’s coming home soon, about how his parents are spending Christmas with them in Los Angeles, how Christopher decided that Santa Claus still exists, despite all the evidence. He talks about the complicated relationship between Buck and his sister, how he can help them to pacify, him who was about to give up. And he speaks of it lightly, trying to ignore the spectre that awaits him at home at night, or worse, that will appear as soon as he is alone.

This isn’t the time to break, not now, not now that Buck is coming home. He’s just having a moment, he has to bottle it up and close the door and forget. As soon as Buck gets back, everything’s gonna be fine. He has to work, he can’t burden Buck, or his parents or… absolutely not. He just has to get over it and continue. Autopilot and go. So, when he remains alone he plants his fingernails in the palms of his hands and tightens his eyes so hard and tight as not to think, the murmur of the smoke hissing in his ears, the sirens flashing behind his eyelids.

At first he decided it was just a reaction to all the stress, to everything that he and Buck found themselves living, but now it’s like chronic, a bad habit. Before there was that murmur under his skin, that didn’t make him sleep much, that urge to hit things to vent everything that’s crowded in his head in the only way he knows for sure works. But he’s been down that road before, and it doesn’t lead anywhere. And now things have changed, Buck’s getting better every day a bit more and he’s on his way home, and Eddie really doesn’t know what to do, because as soon as he lowers his guard, he’s there on the edge of the cliff, there ready to break.

Then again, it’s not the time. It’s not the time to break. It’s not the time. And in his heart, he knows, as soon as Buck’s out of there, as soon as they’re off those straw yellow walls, he’s gonna get better, and even if he breaks a little bit, Buck’s gonna help him get all his bits back and put them back where they belong. All his things in the right place, the bottles still behind the hermetic door.

Buck has a trained eye, perhaps more than Frank’s, and can recognize the fractures and the tiniest cracks in Eddie’s mask, and as much as he wants to avoid going to Buck’s room and burden him with his bad mood and everything he carries around, he can’t help himself. Now that Buck’s talking, still cheerful even when the day is awfully long and tiring, Eddie can’t force himself not to go. The few times he didn’t visit, he spent over an hour on the phone with him, but that’s not enough. Buck knows, and maybe just because he’s polite and kind doesn’t say it, but he knows Eddie’s broken, and he’s doing everything he can to be strong for both of them. Buck survived hell, a real hell, and back, struggled for months between life and death, and when they were letting him go, he came back with his own strength and he’s getting better, every day he’s a little better, and yet he’s still keeping Eddie afloat, swimming, swimming, and swimming like Dory. And it should be this the time that Eddie is more needed, to make Buck feel better, he shouldn’t be the ballast and take Buck down alongside with him, not like this, not now. He can’t take his son and Buck with him into his abyss, he should at least collect his pieces by himself, close the door of his emotions for good and bottle everything, every single thing. Forget the panic, the terror, the loss. Forget everything. But the only way he can forget and close it, now, is by going to Buck’s and spend time with him. What they call a snake biting its own tail.

He goes to him either before he goes to work or right after, as soon as his shift is over, even when it’s late and he should be home already.

The routine is new and at the same time always the same, he sneaks into the room when he knows for sure that there is no one other than Buck, and climbs the bed and then falls there, with a boisterous poff.

And Buck usually mumbles, if he’s asleep, or laughs breathless if he’s awake, tightening his arm around his shoulders.

.

It’s the same on Wednesday. After two intense weeks, the entering in December that made people even dumber, that tend to crowd in stores to shop (nothing as scary as Black Friday, but enough to have to free people from under the shelves on a daily basis), his parents, who wander around the house and even judge his choices on the smallest trifles, after a very long weekend, in which materially he could only see Buck via Facetime, and a very heavy meal over at Bobby’s that was their late Thanksgiving dinner, finally that Wednesday he managed to go to recharge his batteries before going to work.

Eddie’s seen a lot of things, a lot of weird things in his life, maybe too much even. Between his time in the army and his work here in Los Angeles, he’s seen a lot of quirks. But this is beyond anything else.

It’s mid-afternoon, when he gets to the hospital and he hears Buck laughing and chirping something at someone or something he describes as adorable, so Eddie thinks it’s Maddie, who again brought him the latest pictures of her baby girl, that Buck can’t wait to meet to become an uncle full-time, especially now that between them, after that half discussion, has returned a tranquillity and complicity that Eddie envies.

But when he turns the corner of the hall, ready to enter the room, he finds Ramon Diaz himself sitting next to Buck’s bed, showing him pictures from his smartphone. His father laughs and tells anecdotes and Buck definitely seems to have the moment of his life.

And Eddie must have suffered a head injury and it must be some kind of hallucination, or he went crazy, that’s all that could have happened at an initial examination. By bottling his problems, he lost his last neurons in the effort, it’s called apoptosis, the process of programmed cell death, or maybe he caused a clot or something. It’s the only reasonable explanation.

When Eddie enters, his father gets up and bids his goodbye to Buck. “I guess that’s my cue, I’ll leave you in good hands”.

“In the best hands, I’d say” Buck quips, shaking his hand. “Say hello to Helena and give Chris a tight hug for me”.

“Will do” Ramon nods, passing next to Eddie and squeezing his hand on his shoulder blade. “Be good” he recommends jokingly before sneaking out the door.

Eddie looks at Buck in disbelief, all busy taking a sip from his straw, and he doesn’t know whether to call himself incredulous or worried about that blow to the head yesterday, a water bottle addressed to Hen that Chim launched with his terrible aim and took him behind the back of the head, which clearly caused real, permanent damage.

“My dad?” that’s all Eddie can mumble, confused.

“What can I say, I’m my usual charming self” Buck jibes, shrugging his shoulders before spreading his arms. “Have you come to recharge your batteries?”

“My Buckeries, yes” he replies by crouching on the bed with the usual noisy poff.

Buck caresses the back of his head with his fingertips and grins. “It seems that Chris and your abuelita did some convincing work on your father who now decided to be supportive and decided to come over here to probe the territory and assess the sincerity of my feelings… and bribe me with some compromising photos of you as a child”.

Eddie snorts, rolling his eyes. “Dios, how inconvenient was it from one to ten?”.

“Well, as a kid, you were pretty adorable… and judging by what he told me, Chris gets his sassiness from you” he murmurs, his tone cheerful, happy.

And Eddie couldn’t ever fathom the idea of Buck and his father getting along. “I mean with my dead, was he… you know?”.

Buck snuggles closer, his fingers carding softly in Eddie’s hair. “Well, he was a bit weird at first. But if you count I had a lame talk with my dad before I met your dad, it ended up smoothly”.

“What a beautiful little shitty day” Eddie growls, looking up at him, to try to understand, only from his eyes, from his expression how much the phone call with his father stuck on him.

“Could have been worse” he says, with his bewitching grin. “At least my dad stopped with the usual litany and convinced himself that you and Chris are good for me, plus now I can snuggle with you for a bit, and that’s somehow turning it perfect”.

“You are a sap” Eddie snorts, but then narrows his eyes. It’s been a long week for Buck, too, with long conversations, not to call them phone fights, with his dad over something he didn’t tell Eddie about, he just knows they’ve been talk-fighting a lot. Buck doesn’t talk much about his family, he hasn’t even given him any details about how he and Maddie figured their argument out, much less about his parents. And in addition to feeding the hospital with his insurance and maybe some donations, the man hasn’t shown up there yet, not to mention the mother who’s never even heard from as far as Eddie knows. “That’s good, then” it’s all that he says, rubbing his cheek against Buck’s neck.

“I wouldn’t be so surprised if, along the way, my dad and yours started playing squash together” Buck murmurs.

Eddie snorts. “I think my dad would play his hip before he played squash”.

“I thought it was my father’s too, but instead…” Buck grumbles and shrugs. “Maybe they’d prefer golf,” he adds. “Or maybe we better not support their friendship, it would be weird”.

Eddie nods softly. “We might as well decide not to really talk about our parents, and ignore their existence for a while in our little bubble for a while, what do you think?”.

“It might be a good idea. Charging our respective batteries and talking about the weather is a viable alternative” Buck mutters tightening his grip on Eddie.

Eddie stays there quietly, eyes half closed. And that thing in his chest, that thing that weighs behind his eyes, those emotions, those negative thoughts all bottled up that are piling up one by one in his airlock, they seem to slowly disappear, while Buck talks softly and tells him about physiotherapy, the last visit he made, new medicines that finally do not leave him a bad mouth, all bitter and dry.

And Eddie is there enjoying the moment, in an almost religious silence, letting himself be lulled by his voice, by his fingers carding in his hair, his breath soft ghosting on his skin.

“What are you doing on Friday?” Buck asks him out of the blue, and Eddie knows he has to exit is daze and answer.

“Friday? The day after tomorrow?” he asks, pulling himself up.

“Yeah, what’s your shift?” he mumbles. “I wanted to know if… I guess it’s a mess so…”.

Eddie closes his eyes. “12 hours. I come in at 9 and I leave at 9”. He doesn’t ask him why, because Buck’s on his way home, and he already knows it’s the last routine visits before he is discharged. Maybe he wants help, maybe he wants company. Buck wanted to manage them himself, all the visits, asking Eddie and Maddie not to be there and both agreed with a certain reluctance: after all he is getting better, and he doesn’t need two bundles of nerves there with him during his visits.

“Ah, okay… no, out of time” he says, then pulling a long sigh and stretching his legs under the covers.

“Evan, if you want I can…” he starts to say. “I can change shift… I can ask Jonathan to…”.

“No, don’t worry. Work is important and then…” Buck murmurs softly. “Don’t worry about it. No problem absolutely”.

“I’ll come tomorrow night and spend the night with you?” he whispers.

“You can’t always sleep here, Eds. You’re going to get arthritis. The bed isn’t that big and you’re all crumpling around me.” he replies. “And every time you leave me here all hard and I have to explain to the nurses that that’s a very very normal, physiologic reaction to my very steaming hot boyfriend”.

Eddie rolls his eyes with a whiff and leans in closer, burrowing in his side. “I’m comfortable like this! and then it will get easier when you’ll be home with me… and I could always help you with that in the bathroom if you want…” he mumbles, and has no time to say no more, or act on that long-awaited quick hand-job in the bathroom, that the alarm clock he set to give himself time to get to the station begins to ring.

“It’s time” Buck says. “I know you want to put your hands in my pants, but you’ll have to wait, mister”.

Eddie rolls his eyes huffing a sigh loudly. “I have to go. I’ll text every time we get back at the station.” he promises and reluctantly rises from bed and begins to recover his things.

“Be careful out there,” he hears him whispering.

With his bag on his shoulder, Eddie smiles and leans over him to put a kiss on his forehead. “Goodnight and behave, don’t make too many nurses angry or blush”.

“I’ll see what I can do,” he says before he reaches out and steals a kiss from his lips.

.

.

.

The proverbial drop that breaks the camel’s back falls on that Friday night, almost at the end of their shifts. It was a rough day, he didn’t have a moment to call Buck, yet alone to text him, and when he finally managed to carve out those for or five minutes, his phone battery decided to die before he could even make the call, and then the alarm went off again.

Once back, he put the phone in charge and then did his best to lay the table, because he is still banned from the kitchen, and probably will be forever.

By Chim’s great persistent request, the late thanksgiving turkey leftovers had to be transformed into a skewed Mexican fiesta, his words, not Eddie’s.

For the occasion, Eddie’s parents brought their precious help. Complaining about the terrible, horrible, bagged tortillas, his mother set to work kneading them by hand and his father meanwhile shredded his colleagues over at the pinball machine, to Christopher’s immense delight.

.

But before even sitting around the table, as usual for such special occasions, the alarm went of again.

The scene is weirdly, ominously familiar. It looks like his nightmares, or his memories, or a strange mixture of both.

To be cynical, fires all look a bit alike. Fire that burns, walls that give up, smoke, ashes, heat. It’s all easily traced back to other actions, other interventions, and yet…

Eddie can’t ignore the fact that it’s all weirdly similar to that day. What it’s been repeating for nights in his nightmares and he’s trying his best to ignore. To what’s still etched in his mind every time he closes his eyes and probably will never go away.

.

They are a backup for the 412, that’s already on the scene.

The fire is huge, and the cloud of white smoke can be seen from miles and miles away, swelling in the black sky. It started to rain recently and the noise of the water pouring from the hydrants almost covers the echo of voices in their walkies.

This one too is neighbourhood that certainly, before the economic crisis, had to be beautiful, flourishing. Rows of two-storey, pastel coloured cottage-like houses now have plaster mangled by time.

In a corner of his visual field, Eddie notices a bunch of kids getting scolded from a fireman, maybe the 412 captain and a cop.

The backdraft must have brought down part of the house, which is already grotesquely bent over. Part of the upper floor collapsed and chomped on the lower. That too was a beautiful house, in a beautiful neighbourhood, before the crisis and that fire.

The roof, failing, scrunched itself taking away part of the frontage.

The smoke, meanwhile, swells and vibrates, whispers in the sky like a disturbing echo, drums in his ears, like an old well-known song, and delivers a shiver along his spine.

There are people shouting, members of 412 increasing the pressure of water on the house that continues to crumble like a cookie overcooked and dunk too long and begins to look more and more like a pile of flames, dust, and debris.

Bobby barks orders that Eddie can’t hear right now. All the oxygen is ripped from his lungs when a rumble comes from the house, when it folds completely and crumples on itself and the rest of the upper floor crushes the one below. The plywood that splatters off with the glass and the soot like bullets and gunpowder.

They have to act quickly; Eddie must get his fucking shit together and start helping.

There’s a trapped firefighter, he can hear on the radio. A trapped fireman just like Buck. He must have been trapped in the house, too. Apparently, he heard someone asking for help.

This time like that other terrible day, the wind rises, and the speed makes the fire widen even more, which now with much more oxygen burns even more intensely. It is always the change of direction of the air currents that influences most, and dangerously, the fire. And that house now more than ever becomes a trap of flames and smoke.

And they all hurry to bring their help. But the fire is fast, in less than thirty seconds a flame can become an immense fire, and it takes only a few minutes for the fire to thicken and blacken and fill the spaces of the house, that ends up engulfed in the flames. And the fire is hot, the heat is much scarier than the flames, and it goes from 100 degrees to 600 like a trifle. Inhaling this superhot air will scorch your lungs and melt clothes to your skin. And the fire is dark, it , starts bright, but it’s a matter of minutes and it produces smoke and with it, complete darkness. Fire is deadly. Smoke and toxic gases kill more people than flames do, fire produces poisonous gases that make you drowsy and disoriented. And then, then there’s asphyxiation.

At best, this firefighter has had more or less the same luck as Buck finding himself in a kind of free zone, and they just have to find his way out, with the oxygen tank and the turnout gear they might still have some hope, some time. Although the house is now a pile of debris, breath of flames and wind. But miracles rarely happen, and they have already had more than one.

And that’s why they have to put maximum power in the hydrants, to give their best.

But when they hear the torn apart scream coming from someone of the 412, everything seems to stop.

Blood pounds in Eddie’s ears. His heart thuds in his chest. He needs a moment to readjust his shaking hands on the hose and to plant his tingling feet better on the ground. Flames, smoke, and his vision disfigures, darkening.

He tries to focus on the fire hose, ignoring the overwhelming sense of dread, or the fact that he somehow  just forgot how to fucking breath, while his heartrate escalates quickly.

His mouth is dry, his windpipe closing up.

He shouldn’t be there. He shouldn’t be there. He shouldn’t be there. Buck needed him, today, he needed him at the hospital. He wouldn’t have asked otherwise.

There is too much of a risk of someone walking over and notice him.

He clutches the fire hose, his hands wrapped so tightly that his nails dug into his gloves. Breathing is hard, like he’d just run around the world and back, his chest growing tight as bile rises in his throat.

He has to get his fucking shit together and help. No one has to live what he and Buck endured, but he can’t do a single thing, with his head spinning, dizziness taking the upper hand and his stomach churning.

And again, like that other time, like when Buck was trapped in that burning hell, he feels detached from the situation, it’s like looking at himself from an external point of view.

.

It’s unreal.

For another couple of minutes, it’s unreal.

Until they finally take that fireman out of what’s left of the house on a gurney, his face covered with a blanket. And Eddie has to focus on something else, his eyes glued on the smoking debris, trying to ignore the pain raising in his chest and the dizziness, as the 412 ambulance moves slowly, surrounded by the crew. He has to remember that Buck is almost home. Just that.

It takes them half an hour to put out the remaining fire, and by the time they hop back on the truck, it’s almost midnight.

No one is talking all the ride back to the station. It’s usually like this when a crew loses a member, but there’s something else in the air.

Eddie’s in the locker room, still feeling a little dazed, battered, tired, even after the shower, breath still struggling to normalize. He looks at his now charged phone and knows he can’t call Buck tonight, it’s already late and he’s probably already asleep, and yet he needed to see him or at least hear his voice.

“You’re seeing too many similarities, let me tell you” Chim grumbles, as the two paramedics enter the locker room, once they get back to the station, after fixing the ambulance for the next shift.

“Or maybe you don’t want to see…” Hen protests, fiddling with her locker, to retrieve a spare T-shirt and a towel, ready to head to the showers.

“No idea you were such a conspiracy maniac,” Chim shrugs his shoulders. “I was the one with the stalking crow”.

And she snorts loudly. “I’m just saying that I think they’re connected,” she states. “Think about it. A fire in a neighbourhood like this, in an empty house, the cop said there were kids there too… then add that the one of the 412 crew members said that they heard someone call for help before getting trapped…” Hen numbers and then she stops. “Sounds like a pattern to me”.

“Plotter,” Chim retorts. “Cap, what do you think?”.

“I don’t think it’s a pattern,” says the captain, shrugging his shoulders. “As different as they are, fires that break out in similar situations have more or less the same pattern,”.

“Exactly what I say, better expressed, but that’s what I say.” Chim replies. “What do you say, Eddie?”.

But he doesn’t say anything.

“But if they’ve heard someone… it just seems…” Hen continues to say.

“I’m sure the fire inspectors will evaluate everything and eventually contact us if necessary,” Bobby replies. “I know when Buck got better and could talk, they heard him anyway, but it’s standard procedure. As we had to do, in the days following his accident”.

“Eddie?” Bobby calls him. “A word?”.

And Eddie sighs in the hurry to lace his shoes and  then follows Bobby out of the locker room. Bobby knows, maybe not as well as Buck, the small fractures in his mask, he knows that somewhere there is a deeper crack, and the mask would crumble entirely.

“Are you all right?” he asks as soon as they are alone. “Is Buck… you know?”.

Eddie looks at him, a certain confusion that clouds his sight. “Yes. He is good, I know you went to visit him”.

Bobby lets slip a deaf laugh. “It took a bit of courage, but the alternative was to get kicked in the ass by Athena. I don’t like to see him there”.

“And think he’s better now,” adds Eddie, the voice stricter than he actually wants.

“I know, I realize. Look… If you had to clock off hours ago, why don’t you take a day off tomorrow and be with him?” Bobby suggests, his voice gentle.

Eddie doesn’t say anything at first. Going to Buck’s could help him feel a bit better, or he could drop his mask completely and he can’t afford to be seen cracked, shattered, broken. He can’t lose Buck; he has to take some time and think. “A few hours will do” he says, “Maybe I’ll come in a bit late and…”.

“Take the day off, I insist. Surely you also noticed the same similarities Hen noticed” adds Bobby squeezing a hand on his shoulder. “And before you ask, I’m telling you to stay with Buck because you’ve been looking like a ghost for days, and today has certainly been hard for everyone… but Buck will do you good. Take a day and stay with him, sometimes the people we love can bring peace in our hearts”.

Eddie grits his teeth, tightens his jaw and nods. “I will take advantage of it,” he says before heading to his truck and returning home, a tiredness that takes his breath away and weighs him down like a boulder, as soon as he is alone.

.

When he arrives at home that night, he is somewhat reassured by the fact that the lights are off and he will not have to undergo a further grilling by his father, who lately weighs his life choices with increasing vehemence. The only light on is the little night light on Chris' nightstand and the one in his bedroom, that is always on when he gets home late.

And it’s like a lighthouse, a harbour to go back to, and so he slips into his son’s bedroom and the weight on his shoulders suddenly disappears.

He has to hold on a bit more. It’ll get better. He repeats himself slowly in his head until his breath completely normalizes and is almost at the point of falling asleep, right then and there, sitting on the ground, near Chris’s bed.

And maybe because his son is a perfect child, or maybe because he has some strange sixth sense, when he moves and just stretches out in bed and opens one eye and then another, he smiles at him, with his sleepy but dazzling smile, and everything seems to disappear.

“You’re back,” he says in his tiny, adorable voice, kneaded by sleep.

“Always” Eddie murmurs under his breath. “You should sleep, you know?”.

“I can stay awake. No school tomorrow… already done all the weekend homework” he snorts and sits up. “So we go to the planetarium with abuelo”.

“And then you’ll get tired… It’s late…” Eddie murmurs, feigning a peremptory tone, which cannot actually slip out of his mouth, in all honesty.

Chris rolls his eyes pursing his lips “I don’t get tired! It’s the planetarium. I learn all the important things! So then when we go with Bucky I’ll teach him!”.

“Sounds like a plan,” Eddie mumbles, stretching a smile.

“You look like you’re having a bad day,” Chris says, rubbing your eyes. “I’ll take you to bed? I’ll tuck you in!”.

“Sounds like a plan,” Eddie mumbles, stretching a smile.

“You have the bad-day face” Chris says, rubbing his eyes. “I’ll take you to your bed. I’ll tuck you in!”.

Eddie is taken aback. His son, his marvellous, funny, smart and perceptive son, reads right through him as an open book.

“Daddy” he says softly. “Are you sad?”.

He clenches his jaw. “I’m just a bit tired, it was a long day, and I couldn’t eat your abuela’s cooking”.

“So, you are hungry! Make a sandwich? Abuela took a plate of leftovers for you” he suggests before yawning.

“Nah, I think I’m going straight to bed, you should sleep too, it’s a big day tomorrow” he murmurs.

“Hugs can help. Like we do with Bucky!” Chris asks with his tiny and bright smile, stretching his arms wide open.

“Always” he leans in and sighs softly, in a slight contentment, when his kid’s vanilla and strawberry shampoo hits his nostrils. It helps, it always helped. “I love you buddy, sleep tight”.

“I can come with you, I can tuck you in” his kid says. “You always do that for me”.

“That’s a dad’s job, you know? One of my favourites, really” Eddie says.

Chris moves, pulls the covers aside and gets out of bed with some effort, but without asking for help, when his bare feet touch the floor he mutters something under his breath, and then he reaches his hand out to his dad. And Eddie can’t even describe how he feels right now, he doesn’t have enough words to assess the magnificence of his son.

They walk quietly to Eddie’s bedroom, not to wake his parents and most of all, not to explain why his kid is awake so late.

The light on Eddie’s bedside table is still on, it’s always on when he works late, when Chris opens the door, the wonderful smile he beams to his dad, is breath-taking. “Surprise!” he says, not so loud, but enough to reveal all the joy and excitement.

And it takes Eddie a moment to fully function again. He looks over at the bed and he sees Buck and it’s like a mirage.

There’s Buck, awake in his, their?, bed. A book on his lap and a stupid goofy smile on his face when he looks up at Eddie. “Hey there, honey”.

And Chris giggles.

“Too much?” Buck asks Chris with a smirk.

The kid nods. “You sound like Maya’s grandma”.

And Buck snorts. “Hey! I’m not that old!” he retorts softly. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping by now, mister?”.

“Yes! But I wanted to see daddy’s face” Chris says. “He was sad before”.

Eddie wouldn’t know how he feels now, or at least he can’t put it into words. But happy is certainly not a concept big enough to describe what he feels.

“It was a long day for daddy. But his face surely is priceless, you are right” Buck says moving out of the bed with enough fluidity he doesn’t even look like someone who was literally discharged from the hospital today. “Let’s get you back in bed and let daddy take another shower, he is smoke-smelly” he adds, kissing Eddie’s cheek.

But Eddie stays there like a pillar of salt for a fraction of seconds, and then, out of muscle memory, he tags along, practically jumping back in the corridor. He watches Evan walk slowly, limping a bit, a hand on Christopher’s back. They talk under their breaths, and Eddie’s never seen his kid smiling like that in a long time.

Once in bed, it takes Chris like a couple of minutes to fall asleep again, his breath got measured and deeper, while he was still talking about what he’s gonna do tomorrow at the planetarium, and Eddie looks at him, and he could swear that he’s in full, best shape right now. Buck tucks Chris in and Eddie watches quietly, before heading back to the bedroom that for the first time, across the dark hallway seems finally cosy.

His room is no longer empty, dark, perhaps still a bit too neat and without any personality, but the bed is all undone, Buck tends to roll up in the blankets and must have been there a lot, since even on Eddie’s side of the sheet is all ruffled, a burgundy duffel bag laid on the ground near the closet, the clothes rolled over with little grace.

Eddie would say a lot of things, but his emotions are both strong and devastating. Buck is at home, at home with him, his fingers intertwined with his own, and he has no trouble imagining them, in a while in that bed, his moans muffled in the hollow of Buck’s neck. He can’t say anything until his mind is clear enough to be able to connect two thoughts in a row, but then he gives in and abandons himself against Buck. A hug that means more than just happiness. He’s so happy as his thoughts go, his mind a blank page for a moment, he’s so happy as Buck pulls him in and whispers something against his ear, something that sounds “fuck the shower”, and he’s so happy when, with a weak yelp, they find themselves on the mattress that bounces under them with a tiny, little squeal of springs.

Eddie remembers that, until proven otherwise, he knows how to speak when Buck starts to blow light kisses against the edge of his forehead, as if to draw a crown.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he asks with a little voice.

“I wanted to surprise you, your face just now was priceless, error 404 page not found… A classic.” Buck mumbles as he barely moves and loosens his hug to settle with his back against the headboard of the bed. “Come, I’ll let you recharge all your Buckeries”.

“That’s what you were talking to my dad about the other day?” Eddie mutters, kicking off his shoes and then knee-butting the mattress until he reaches Buck’s side and crouches against him.

Buck starts to caress his hair slowly with the tip of his fingers. “’bout this and more and more, I told you, anecdotes of you as a child took a lot of time… The plan was to have dinner at the station, Athena and Karen came to pick me up at the hospital and they were going to drop me there tonight… but then you left so I had to move the surprise here”.

Eddie doesn’t say anything. There’s no smell of disinfectants, just his fragrant aftershave, patchouli, and something else with a weird name, he doesn’t even know how to pronounce. He’s not happy, he’s not just happy, he’s something that goes far beyond, something beyond imagination.

“I’ve seen the news, do you want to talk about it?” Buck whispers softly, the voice that now resembles a whisper, which breaks in the depth of his chest.

Eddie shakes his head, and sinks deeper into Buck’s neck. “I just want to forget”.

“We’ll have to talk about it at some point. Especially because I told you down there that we should get married, sooner or later we’re gonna have to face this conversation,” he says, amused.

“You said a lot of stupid things that day,” Eddie groans.

“Oh thank you,” Buck boos, still amused. “I thought I’d die down there. Should I have left you with something or not?”.

Eddie gets up, moving away from that safe harbor that is Buck’s chest to look at him in the eye. He wouldn’t know whether furious, wounded or terrified. Or perhaps a more appropriate mixture of the three. It would mean dozens and dozens of different things, but in the end he just sighs.

“Don’t worry,” Buck tells him, a small lacklustre smile that doesn’t reach the eyes. “It won’t happen again”.

“You always say that, but every time you do something stupid and…” Eddie smacks back. “And I stay here to pick up the pieces”.

“It won’t happen again” Buck repeats, his voice louder, confident. Sure. It’s like he’s not gonna do this shit anymore, he’s not gonna be the self-sacrificing idiot again. “You’re being unfair, I didn’t decide to blow up a ladder truck on my own leg”.

“You don’t know that. It’s almost certain that you’re gonna do something else like that” he mumbles. “And I’m talking about the embolism because you overexerted yourself”.

Buck snorts an unsophisticated laugh, squints his eyes, and just looks at him then, in silence, an eyebrow raised as if waiting for Eddie to finish talking or to reprimand him.

“You didn’t think about us, about the aftermath of all this” he continues. “You were leaving us, without… thinking about what we would do without you. I had to tell our kid that we were going to turn off your life support, because you were there for months and, you, always the hero, would love to help other people, and I feel awful because I was letting you go and…”.

“Eddie,” he hears Buck say, but he ignores his soft voice.

“You have a family here, you have a kid, me, who wait for you at home, you have to think about us. About the people you are going to leave and…” he stops looking at Buck.

Buck gulps, taking a heavy, shaking breath. “It won’t happen again,” he repeats in a steady voice. “And not because I wouldn’t do it again, because given the opportunity I’d most definitely do it you are right. If I had to choose between saving my sorry ass and saving yours or anyone else’s, I definitely wouldn’t save mine… far from it: for you, for Chris, for everyone in our family… I’d let you take the oxygen straight out of my chest” he mutters, words rolling on his tongue in such an effortless way that leaves Eddie almost scared.

And he just sits there, about to argue that this is one of the stupidest things someone could say but he sees him, he sees Evan stretching out to retrieve something in his nightstand drawer, a thick, white folder. A medical record. And everything he meant, which he was about to say, uncontrollable and angry and wounded, every single thing disappears from his head. There is tension, the kind of electricity that now whispers under his skin for a while and that today, just today that it should not be, that there should be only joy, is stronger than ever.

Buck sighs softly, his lips curled in half a grimace. “It won’t happen because I’m not going back to 118. Or in general I won’t be a fire fighter anymore”.

Eddie swallows in vain. The words, the reprimand that dies at the bottom of his throat and the only thing that manages to say is a stupid, weak: “What… what are you talking about?”.

Buck shrugs his shoulders and hands him the folder. “I recommend you not to read the very long list of accessory symptoms that I have and those that I could develop, or the even longer list of medicines that I will have to take for a while or the very sad diet that I have to follow to get back in shape, and go straight to the conclusions of the medical exams I did… the conclusions begin with ‘From the assessments and tests batteries performed by the patient and the equipe…’” he adds, retrieving his book and taking up where he left off.

Eddie looks over at Buck for a full minute before looking at the white folder. He sits better, his back against the headboard to read better and have the bedside light in his favour. He hastens to leaf through the pages. Its words, high-sounding, heavy, deep, describe inflammation of the heart wall, symptoms, pain in the chest, shoulders, neck, back, recurrent fever, palpitations, weakness, and shortness of breath. The cause appears to be the thoracic trauma he suffered, along with that wound whose causes are still unclear, that terrible day. Lab tests, all physiological tests, stress tests, all give the same diagnosis. And with every word, everything becomes clearer and heavier and Eddie’s breath gets shorter and shorter, and his stomach turns, nauseous, and tears sting his eyes. Everything clicks in its place: respiratory problems, nausea, intermittent fever, everything that Buck suffered before waking up and after, during his recovery, everything is there, in that folder and clicks together in a weird, ominous mechanism.

A very small part of him, and Eddie will forever hate that he even felt that tiny, almost transparent slice of him, is almost relieved: Buck won’t take any more risks at work, not with this diagnosis. But he gets chills and is disgusted even at the thought: he was relieved, he was relieved for a single moment that his companion, his lover, one who struggled with his nails and teeth for his work, repeatedly, to get back on his feet, and to get out of the hospital, now can’t go back to work, now can’t─Urgh! What a piece of shit he is.

Buck remains silent for a while, as if to give Eddie time to metabolize how much he sucks as a person. “Pericarditis” then he says out loud, to make it true or to exorcise the word. “One of those diseases that doesn’t allow you to do exhausting jobs and stressful physical activities… I could jeopardize my life and the lives of others. In addition to movement and breathing disorders due to coma and long-term intubation, not to mention possible side effects of the drugs.” he adds with an impressive ease, the voice gentle. “And we don’t even talk about the number of disquieting terms that have been chanted to describe the things that I could develop over time”.

“Evan, I…” he starts to say, but the words die down his throat. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want this at all. He couldn’t wait to get back to work with Buck, to watch his back, to those moments of random chatter on the truck, to the bickering with the others, to be able to reach out and know that he would be there. Always there. Because he’s okay now, he’s home, finally, and it’s crazy to even think that he’s…

“In the end, it’s better this way.” Buck murmurs, settling better with his back against the pillows. “At least you won’t have to worry about me while you work. Neither you nor the others… I’ll be the one who’ll worry about you, from home or at the station. I will be on the side of the desperate wives, first row, right chair…” he says sighing. “My father would like me to go back to Hershey… There’s a place waiting for me in the family business, if I…”.

Eddie hastens to disagree, to say quickly that he can’t, absolutely can’t go away and the words are so many and they flock to the bottom of his throat. But Buck goes before him.

“I’ve already told him no. Repeatedly, at some point he’ll understand, I guess.” he snorts shaking his head with a small shrug. “On the other hand, HR offered me a position as a fire investigator. I just have to take a couple of exams; my SEALS training and my degree are enough to qualify and Athena could help me prepare and… I wouldn’t risk it’s practically a desk job so… Could you stop making that face?” he mutters with a raised eyebrow and a kind smile.

Eddie doesn’t even know what he’s doing, all he feels  is his eyes burning.

Buck reaches out and caresses his face. “Oh my God, don’t make that face! I’m not dying. I’m fine, except for a little shortness of breath but at least for sex I won’t have to do an EKG under stress every time, I checked… I asked the doctor explicitly, also because it would be a mess with the health insurance and all…” he tells him giggling and maybe Eddie rolls his eyes, or maybe he is frowning, because then Buck stretches out and sticks his finger pointing in the centre of his forehead right between his brows. “You’ll get wrinkles if you go scowl like that”.

“Evan…” he finally says, with a sigh. “I’m sorry, I─I know how important working with the 118 is to you, being a fire fighter and…”.

“No,” he briefly disagrees. “I mean it’s wonderful working with y’all but… I have practically stumbled upon this job… which is─was perfect for me, yes” he murmurs. “But what is important to me is you, you all. It’s belonging to something. It’s no mystery that my family sucks a whole lot, but I know we’re a family, we would be anyway, even when I’m not working at 118 anymore…  because we found each other, all of us. We became a family, and there’s nothing I want more than this, something to belong to”.

Eddie’s lips quake for a split second before he leans in, kissing Buck’s cheekbone. “What are you going to tell the others?”.

“They know. Bobby knows, when he came to see me, I told him” he babbles. “I already sent my medical records to HR, but I wanted everyone to hear it from me. Tomorrow morning, I take the opportunity to go and sign some papers, which I should have signed today since I would come to the station… Chim knows this because Maddie was with me when I was first told and… Hen read my medical records and already tried to convince me to undergo the surgery”.

He was the last to know, then. Eddie knows it’s definitely hard for him to talk about this, the fact that he’s never going back to work with them, but being the last one to know this sounds like Buck didn’t trust him.

“Don’t even think about it, Eds” Buck grumbles, as if reading into his head. “It’s not because I don’t trust you, it’s because it’s easy to say it with them, because basically I don’t sleep with them, and I don’t love them the way I love you. I only had to tell Bobby, basically, this thing rained on the others and… I had to tell you in the most painless way possible, maybe when I was out of the hospital so it would be easier, that’s all” he adds with a small shrug. “That’s because you have to digest this news as much as I do, maybe even more…”.

Eddie purses his lips tight, but he can understand: maybe to find the right words he took a while, maybe he had other ideas, maybe to understand how to tell him he had written a speech and Eddie instead decided to get angry with him, all tense as he is. “How long have you known?” he asks then.

“More or less since I managed to have a minimum of language abilities. I did some intensive treatment, so many times I was more tired than normal but… I couldn’t tell you, not while I was in the hospital. You lost the light in your eyes seeing me there, you were always tired and… tense” he stops and curls your lips as if trying to find the right words. “I didn’t want to make it any harder. I wanted to at least… help, okay? Support you”.

“Buck you were sick, you didn’t have to worry about that, you could have told me, I should have been the one to help… to support you…” he retorts. “I could talk to the doctors, Hen, Maddie…”.

“And let Hen try to convince you of the goodness of this surgery? An operation that, although widely performed, is still invasive, is still a needle that touches the heart and wouldn’t allow me to go back to work anyway?” he mumbles. “Talking about this would have made you even more stressed. No, thank you very much”.

“Surgery?” Eddie repeats.

“I prefer a non-invasive treatment, usually you can have a normal life with pharmacological treatment, without needles in the heart and things like that… If it’s needed, I will undergo a surgery, but for now the least invasive therapy is the perfect therapy… A little orange juice with the meds and go.” Buck babbles. It’s a lot of words all together, so this may have been a stressful thing for him, choosing between the two treatments, and having this diagnosis hovering over him. “And this is an unquestionable decision: I don’t want to spend any more time in the hospital, not in the near future, I will have the nightmares of those lunches for the rest of my life and I don’t want to put you in a position to do those nights again, and that face, so soon… If you’re gonna have tears in your eyes, it’d better be an orgasm, and not because I’m dying or something health-related, got it?”.

Eddie rotates his eyes, but decides to postpone: Buck is attentive to his health, he calculates the risks even when he doesn’t look like it and he does his shit on the field, but he is careful and is a good judge, even when his judgment is clouded by adrenaline. And the fact that he’s still more concerned with Eddie’s well-being makes something swell up in Eddie’s chest. “Do you think you’ll accept… The human resources proposal? You would be a… a great fire investigator” he finally says swallowing past the lump in his throat.

“Do you really believe that? The alternative would be without a job, and that would mean burdening on your finances or worse… ask my father for help, no thank you” Buck groans. “I don’t want to weigh on you, I will need a good health insurance… or I could reassess my father’s offer… I mean,” he starts to say, and he takes the medical record from Eddie’s hand. “I guess it’s a lot to metabolize… The fact that I’m not in a decent shape yet, and maybe never will, let’s just say it’s a big deal, huh?” he adds, and his voice trembles. “Man, I wanted to be cool here, but…”.

“Evan, don’t say bullshits like that ever again, okay?” Eddie grumbles, watching him bewildered, and for a moment frowns his eyebrows in a severe grimace before stretching his forehead and sighing for a long moment. “Sometimes I can’t even fathom how stupid you can be”.

And Buck groans, and he’s about to argue but Eddie moves his hand to put his index finger on his lips.

“First, I don’t think I can resist being so far away, and secondly, you’re focusing on the wrong thing here, as usual: we’ll be fine, take as long as you need to get better. Maddie rented your apartment, and this could cover some expenses until you start working again, besides, you’re definitely gonna be a total hottie in the department investigator uniform,” and he moves, then, while he talks softly to put a kiss on his temple, and he hears him sighing. “And in addition to the look, not gonna lie that’s a plus, you’re gonna do great because you’re smart and good, and it’s certainly not just the physique that you joined the fire department… but for your problem-solving skills. A bit of a daredevil for sure but…” he stops and smirks. “Everything is going to be alright”.

And Buck sighs again, like melting in Eddie’s arm.

“Plus, pericarditis can go away on his own,” he adds, moving again to look at Buck’s face, a slight disbelieving look tingling in his eyes. “What? I’m a field medic, do you remember that?”.

“Oh, I know you are and, you are very good at that, so much that you got a medal” Buck says, a fond stupid smile on his face. “Talk medic to me, babe”.

Eddie huffs, rolling his eyes. “What I mean is, sometimes it takes months to recover from it, but full recovery is likely with rest and ongoing care, that can help reduce your risk of having it again and… I’m here for all the aftercare and surely a desk job could help you… and could help me: you won’t make me die of heartbreak at the tender age of forty”.

Buck laughs, against him. “Idiot, you’re still far from forty”.

“That’s because I’m forward-thinking,” Eddie quips and sits better in bed, manhandling Buck so that he can rest against his chest. “I’ll have to find someone who has my back”.

“Someone who possible watches your back but doesn’t look at your wonderful ass in the process, maybe,” adds Buck rubbing his cheek against his shoulder.

Eddie chuckles, the weight on his heart, always pressing and oppressive, seems a little lighter now. “I knew you had ulterior motives from the very beginning”.

“You started it, anyway… You said I could have your back, I just followed orders, as usual with great diligence and going a little further” Buck replies playful, but his mouth is kneaded with sleepiness and exhaustion. “Aren’t you tired? You’ve had a long day”.

“You too, you went to bed early in the hospital…” he says and a strange sense of horror mounts again in his throat, the awareness that it is over, reassures him and frightens him at the same time: because from what he read, on that folder, with all the commitment, with all the medicines and treatments, even with all the goodwill, Buck will never get back to his old self.

“I didn’t move out of bed at the hospital, it’s very different,” Buck replies, tightening the grip more on Eddie. “The big bed is better, so you don’t break your sorry back and I don’t find myself having to explain to too curious nurses if what they see emerging from under the blanket is or is not my, you know…” he suggests with a wry smile. “It was clearly my happiness to see you every time. What can I say? It’s physiology and you’re so very hot”.

Eddie rolls his eyes with a noisy sigh and blows a kiss in his hair, there is no more smell of medicines and disinfectants on him, the sick smell of the hospital, but the most reassuring and enveloping smell of patchouli, the smell of home. He hols onto him for a second more, that has every intention of becoming a minute and then moves to disentangle from Buck’s hug reluctantly, but he really needs a moment to himself. “I’m gonna go take a quick shower, ‘cause I smell like smoke, as you kindly pointed out”.

“You could sleep here even covered in mud as far if you ask me” Buck complains. “As I said, finally I won’t have to explain to the nurses… oh wait, there are your parents here!” he adds with the tips of his ears red. “Damn, I had not calculated… It would be difficult to explain to your father or worse to your mother…”.

Eddie throws the pillow in his face. “Sleep that’s better, because you rant when you’re tired. I don’t want there to be a sentence, an idea or an eventuality where you talk about erections or sex to my parents, I don’t want these terrible images in my mind. I’m going to wash off my day and I’ll be right back,” he adds and slips into the bathroom.

And before he closes the door, he hears him growling in mid-voice. “I thought you liked it when I was rambling! I love you, by the way,”.

“Me too,” he says and closes the door behind him.

He rushes into the shower, the station shower is a godsend, but it isn’t enough to make the smell of ash disappear from his nose. The hot water is not enough to wash off that discomfort he’s been carrying around with him for days, maybe months, and now they’ve collapsed on him all at once, with that fire and the awareness that he can no longer work with Buck, everything changed completely.

But when he goes back to his room, his room that until that morning was empty and bare and now, instead, lived, Buck’s clothes crumpled on the bag, the book open on the ground, the curly and ruffled hair that stick from under the sheet, he’s all curled up with the eyes covered by the fabric, he feels better.

Everything changed, every single thing changed, but somehow they’ll manage to be okay. They will be.

When he settles down and moves the sheet to take some from Buck, he hears him moaning and sees him raise his head, opening an arm, as if to invite him, and Eddie does nothing but turn off the light and crouch against him.

It can’t go wrong if one has the other.

.

The nightmare is around the corner anyway, and Eddie wasn’t ready for that. He feels the heat of the day just spent burning on his face, the smoke that stings his nose, his fingers tremble. The nightmare turns in that ambulance, this time, his blood-covered hands as he performs the CPR, the high-pitched sound of the heart monitor. And then it’s dark, it’s so dark and  wet, there’s the noise of the water and the smell of mud, that has a particular smell and he’s practically immersed in it now, his hands burning, despite the gloves the friction with the rope, the recoil of the rope that tears his breath away again.

It’s smoke and ashes, flames of dust and wind, it’s mud and water, and lack of oxygen.

“Eddie” Buck’s voice is like a distant echo, murmuring on his skin like the distant rustling of the wind. ���Eddie, it’s okay, it’s okay, just open your eyes”.

And he wants to wake up but waking up means being in an empty bed, alone, in a room that has the smell of dust, and everything is dark.

But then there’s that little kiss in his hair, just over the edge of his forehead. “Eddie, it’s all right, you’re home, Chris is asleep and there are your parents who luckily set the alarm later or else you’ll find them up and around the house in a few minutes… and then there’s me, in all my glorious beauty”.

Eddie snorts a hoarse sound and blinks one eyelid and then the other.

“Here you are, what do you say at this ungodly hour? Good morning. I should recommend the melatonin chamomile that Ines, the night nurse, suggested me, it seems to be a godsend…” Buck gently mumbles. “You know what? We both take it, maybe not when we have a social event or something to do at night, because it seems it can knock a horse out”.

Eddie braids his fingers in the side of Buck’s shirt, and snorts.

“That was bad, wasn’t it?” he stammers. “The ones you had at the hospital weren’t so bad… Maybe being uncomfortable helps your sleep, we should talk about it with a good chiropractor…”.

“I didn’t have nightmares in the hospital,” Eddie says.

“Oh, yes. So much so that I thought it was the bed… that’s why I always insisted that you go to sleep at home…” he explains. “I thought you were too uncomfortable, and it was your back that complained… but if it happens at home, in your bed…” he hints.

Eddie swallows and leans better against him, snorting slowly. “I don’t remember the nightmares in the hospital, I was convinced…”.

“Has it been going on for a long time?” he asks and then sighs. “Of course, it has been going on for a long time, what the hell do I ask? How long? We slept together before, before my… accident… you… what does Frank say? Well, does Frank know about your nightmares?” He rephrases, because Buck knows him, and he knows how hard it is to talk about his feelings, about what happens to him, he knows how hard it is for him not to have control over these things. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me about Frank and therapy, I won’t tell you about my therapy, but… Maybe you could talk about your nightmares, with me or Frank or whoever you want… just to… you know? Pull the cork out of your bottles”.

Eddie blinks, obviously he knows everything. Of course. It’s clear: Buck knows him well, so he immediately realized that something was wrong with the first nightmare that he let escape from his control, in the hospital. Damn it.

“You can’t control your dreams, Eddie.” he says slowly, lips against ear. “I mean you could, if you wanted to… You’re supposed to be practicing lucid dreams, but… it takes time and effort and what we live… I mean, who does your job lives, is complex, so it’s normal that it sticks on you…”.

“You talk like a therapist”, he comments slowly, the words that get stuck on his tongue. It’s not the time to make this kind of talk, they should both sleep; so, when it’s morning, morning for real, birds chirping or whatever, they’ll spend some quality time together. Even when Buck was in the hospital, Eddie was never a great entertainer: arriving after an exhausting shift, or the morning before going to work cut off their time together.

“Trust me, I’ve had enough therapy to write five or six books” Buck chuckles and tightens his grip more. “I can help by keeping you like this”.

Eddie huffs a soft sigh of contentment. “I ask nothing else”.

“And I can listen to you, remember. And guess what? Now I can also answer you!” adds the playful tone.

“Coma jokes, really?” Eddie groans, clicking his tongue on his palate.

Buck chuckles, the chest vibrates and almost seems to cradle Eddie in his embrace. “Defence mechanism, irony. The best of all”.

“You’re terrible” adds with some satisfaction in the voice, fondness, softness. Whatever.

“And think that I got better:” replies Buck, the voice that vibrates lightly in the silence of a still distant dawn.  “First my defence mechanism was denial… I was spinning like a ghost in my ex’s apartment… then you came along and everything changed. I’ve got better because of you, let me help you,” he adds, shifting closer and pressing his hand on the nape of his neck.

And it takes a moment for Eddie to let go completely. The hermetic door, behind which are bottled all the things that can’t control, seems to be on the verge of collapse. He’s breathing through his teeth, his jaw locked.

And it’s surreal, it feels like they are somewhere between nowhere and everywhere, as if that room, the bedroom that only yesterday was empty and off, is on another plane of the existence, where there’s no pain, or tragedy, or fear. It feels like they are floating in the sea, moving and still at the same time.

“All I want is to flip a switch” Eddie murmurs then. “Before something breaks and can’t be fixed”.

“I won’t say that everything can be fixed, Eds, because there are things that can’t be fixed. But people? Yes. People can, no one is wasted, or rotten, or broken beyond repair. It takes effort, love and care… and you know that. It needs time, but we will manage. Don’t bottle things up, because they are going to break at some point and they’ll flood your pretty little head,” he adds, kissing the top of said head.

“But…” he starts to say, but then stops for a moment, to gather his thoughts. “I can’t control this, and I don’t like this… you know, you were…”.

“Okay stop right there. I won’t say that’s in the past, because, I literally was, and I know we’ll have to deal with the consequences of that thing for well long, okay? I have a medical condition to deal with… But now I’m home, Eddie, I mean… that matters, right?” Buck adds softly. “And I’m not gonna leave until you get tired of me, and that’s something you can’t control either”.

Eddie purses his lips. “That’s…”

“Stupid? Yes.” Buck says, anticipating his words. “Like it’s stupid your need to be in control. You don’t need to control everything because if you are this tense, all looking around and trying to watch out, you’ll miss the chance of being happy, the best things happen without a signal boost, an alert, or a fucking bell. You can’t always be in control. No one benefits of full control, Eddie: not you, not me, nor Chris. It’s only going to hurt you, and you know what’s also going to hurt? Your pretty little head if you don’t catch enough sleep before your shift, and you’ll be cranky and Hen and Chim will be a pain in the ass if you are…” he says in the clear attempt to cut this thing short, for Eddie just so he can bottle things up again.

Eddie rolls his eyes. “But I can’t weigh on you. And you have a lot of things you have to deal with, now”.

“We will deal with your things and mine together: it’s what people in a serious, committed relationship do” Buck adds. “You can’t have all that only over your shoulders, because at some point…”.

“I’m already past that point. I’m already broken.” Eddie says, swallowing past the lump in his throat, a lump he didn’t even notice was there to begin with.

“No, you were hurting. Hurting and being broken are two different things, Eddie. Let the people around you help and take care of you,” he adds softly. “You are not alone, you’ll never be”.

Eddie sniffles. He didn’t even notice before, he had to sniffle. His eyes burn, but he doesn’t give in. He’s already almost lost his composure one too many times. He settles on a “It’s hard”.

“Oh, trust me, I know” Buck says. “You were raised like this, all bottling things up and never breaking down around people, but I know you. When this happens you become restless, irritable, tense… even if you try not to be you are…”.

Eddie groans. “That’s not true”.

“It’s true, but that’s your way of dealing with things. You aren’t broken, you are hurting, and you don’t know how to fix yourself, because you can’t fix yourself all alone, you’d let people help you with that. You are a survivor, Eddie, there’s no switch to flip…” Buck murmurs moving enough to regain his position as the big spoon.  “Now, let me cuddle you to sleep” he says.

And Eddie just leans in more, muffling a weird, satisfied moan against his pillow.

“Big day tomorrow” it’s all that comes from Buck after a while.

.

.

.

.

.

The next morning starts loudly.

There’s his father scolding Chris with his grandfather, not-at-all-reprimanding tone, because he opened the door and went into their bedroom to say hello. Eddie is still half asleep when he hears Buck giggling and moving in the bed until he comes out from under the covers and sits on the edge of the mattress.

Eddie stretches and blinks his eyes. Their routine, that of the first, that of the first accident, seems a bit different but practically has already returned, even if his parents have not yet returned to El Paso.

The soft, dim light is the same, it leaks from the curtains that are pulled softly, a thin slit between the two. Perhaps the breakfast won’t be the same for a while, judging by Buck’s diet, which he read quickly last night, which the doctors gave him as a food plan to get fully in strength, it will have to be longer, and they won’t be able to steal as many kisses, or caresses, because not only are his parents still around the house, but because Chris, as much as he tried to mask his malaise in this situation, now he needs to confirm that Buck is home and is here to stay (confirms that Eddie definitely needs too, to be honest).

Buck moves out of bed. “We’ll let your Dad sleep a little longer, hmm? Have you had breakfast yet, buddy?”.

“No! I wanted to wait for you!” chirps Chris and Eddie can’t stay in bed so long if his son was waiting for him.

“Helena made the pancakes, the eggs, the bacon… but you have that diet… she’ll definitely plan something else,” Ramon said.

“Oh, too bad! I’m still on a strict diet of jell-o and juice,” replies Buck very serious which makes Chris laugh breathless.

“He can eat eggs and toast and a yogurt and some orange juice,” Eddie mumbles poking his head out of the covers.

“Uh, buzzkill!” Buck comments sticking his togue out before going to the kitchen with Christopher and Ramon and Eddie hears them chatting animatedly about the planetarium and what Buck will do today.

Eddie gets up, out of bed and decides to take a little trip to the bathroom before reaching the kitchen. He looks less shabby than other mornings, after his nightmare and the abrupt night awakening, he slept much much better.

.

That thing that weighs on his chest, eyes and shoulders is certainly far from going away, but if they both have each other’s back, things will get better.

After breakfast, while Buck, for some reason, persists in helping to tidy up the kitchen, although he should be resting, like in bed, but he is a knucklehead, Eddie accompanies Chris to his room to do a final check on the things needed for his trip today.

“Did you get everything for your day with your abuelitos at the planetarium?” Eddie asks his son taking a look at the backpack.

“Sure! And we’re not going that far, I don’t need a sleeping bag!” Chris retorts shrugging and slipping the camera, a gift from Carla, in its case, before storing it carefully in the backpack. “Will Buck stay with us? But where are his things, Daddy?”.

“His things are in a storage that Maddie got when she rented Buck’s apartment,” Eddie grumbles. “We’ll go and get them, for now Buck can steal my things from the closet”.

“Even the things that were in the station? In his locker?” Chris asks.

“I don’t know, Chimney took them. He took care of Buck’s locker,” Eddie answers, frowning, “Why do you care?”.

Chris smiles, one of his dazzling smiles. “Because I made a drawing and I think it would look good on his nightstand”.

“Ah! So that’s what he went to look at in his locker when he was feeling a little low-key” Eddie mutters spacing out, and Chris giggles. “I’m sure he’ll be happy to have his things back, I’ll send a message to Chim and tell him to bring back at least the ones today since I’m taking Buck to the station to sign some papers…”.

“Don’t worry, I’ll ask him, maybe I’ll have Maddie bring them back when she drives me back here” Buck mutters leaning against the door frame. “Chris, are you ready? Take a lot of pictures, then I want a detailed report, alright?”.

“Yes, Bucky! I also have the recorder for that part about the sounds of the space! Who knows if I can use it” he babbles, putting on his jacket.

“If you ask nicely, I’m sure no one will be able to say no to you,” Buck answers by adjusting his jacket collar. “Have fun”.

“You too! Daddy be careful at work,” he then says, hugging Eddie as usual.

“Ah, no… I have a day off today; I’m just taking Buck to the station and then right back home” he babbles. “So, we are here when you come back and tell us all the good things you’ll see!”.

And Buck smiles adorably, looking at them, and Eddie can’t even define how happy and lucky he is right now.

When his parents and Chris drive away with their car promptly requisitioned from abuela, Eddie prepares for the day and watches Buck settle into this weird new everyday life in his home. Their home.

He’s sitting on his bed and going through his duffel bag with a couple of changes of clothes that Maddie must have brought to him in anticipation of his discharging.

Eddie could get used to this new normal. He might hope that that house, that room, their life, will be nice to them for the rest of their time, he could almost imagine himself all grey, watching the sunset with Buck in the backyard. He might even ignore the fact that they haven’t been together that long, that Buck has spent two-thirds of their new-born relationship in a coma, and that their lives, their job─his job is dangerous and so the years won’t be so nice to them but… He can’t ignore that feeling of warmth that swells in his chest and reddens his cheeks. Growing old has never seemed so sweet.

“Uhm” he hears Buck humming, which brings him out of his maybe too risky daydream.

Eddie cocks his head, moving near him.

“Can I steal you something a little warmer? For some strange reason Maddie decided to ignore my sweaters and just brought me some T-shirts!” he mumbles, showing him all the T-shirts in his duffel bag.

“Maybe he thought you’re used to colder winters than the Californian one.” Eddie replies a tiny smile dangling on the corner of his lips.

“All right, but I think it’s reckless to wear a half-sleeved t-shirt without even having a jacket to cover me with” he mutters.

“How did you get here yesterday? In a T-shirt?” asks Eddie.

“Your mother decided this morning to wash the sweater Karen gave me when I woke up, the white one, for no reason…” he murmurs softly, brows knitted in a frown.

“I’m sure the reason is called sanitizing, Buck,” Eddie chuckles. “Open the closet and choose whatever you want, never stopped you before”.

“Yes, but now we live together; and you complain a lot when I stretch your clothes things bigger” mutters and then looks, frustration cranking in his eyes.

Eddie moves closer to blow a raspberry on his cheek, to make him laugh: if it works on his son, it’ll work on Buck too. “You are going to be back in your usual shape in no time, but you are gorgeous anyway” he murmurs softly, against his face. “Don’t stress too much about it”.

Buck laughs softly heading to the wardrobe. “You are just trying to get into my pants”.

“Not gonna lie,” Eddie says, shrugging and trying to shot him the best subtle wink he could manage.

“You are terrible at this” groans Buck, starting to fish for that grey cardigan he likes so much.

“Am not” he quips, “And I know what you are doing over there, Buckley, you are trying to steal my grey sweater” he says. “You aren’t even trying to be that subtle”.

“It has buttons, it’s easier to put it on, I still have some hardships trying to put on something without buttons or zip-fasteners…” Buck says. “My left arm is still a bit… you know? Stiff”.

“I’m more than willing to help” Eddie says, all cocky wink and confident smile.

Buck looks at him with his wry smile, mincing his way up to Eddie. “You are so terrible at this…”

“Am I, now?” Eddie says moving closer, smacking his lips and helping him to get out of his pj’s shirt. “Is it painful to move?”.

“Something stings every now and then, but that’s normal, doc said. I still need PT.” he murmurs. “Which sucks because I had to re-learn again how to fucking walk and I still have a hard time putting a fucking fork in my mouth from time to time”.

“Evan,” he starts to say, lips primed and a serious paternalistic tone in his voice.

“No, I mean, it’s good… I’m getting better but… you aren’t gonna stay here every single time I need to move or… to dress and… I have a lot of t-shirts,” he murmurs.

“So, we are going to buy you a couple more shirts,” Eddie decides.

“I know what you’re doing here, mr. Diaz,” Buck says, in a mocking tone.

“I’m just saying you are way too hot in your shirts” Eddie shrugs. “Let me help you today. You’ll do everything by yourself tonight”.

“I sure hope not to,” Buck retorts, licking his lips.

Eddie clicks his tongue on his palate. “And I’m the terrible one at this” he groans, manhandling Buck to the bed. “Sit, so I can help with your pj’s top”.

Buck reluctantly executes the order, and Eddie moves his fingers to the hem of the fabric from his shoulders and in a fluid gesture takes off his shirt.

And Eddie moves to retrieve from the bag a plain, white t-shirt to put on. And when he goes back to Buck he has his head bent forward, his eyes shut, a hand over his chest where there’s surely that scar from that day.

“Hey” Eddie murmurs, taking his chin between his hands. “Look at me, mh?”.

Buck lifts his head up, a tiny lacklustre smile on his lips.

“I hear chicks dig in scars” Eddie says, smiling.

And Buck lets out a small humourless huff.

“Let me see it.” Eddie murmurs softly. “The sooner the better”.

Buck doesn’t move for a moment, like pondering what to do.

“I’m not in love with you because of your body,” Eddie starts, “I love you for your big stupid self-sacrificing golden heart, for your pretty little head, for the way you make me feel, the way you made me feel since the very beginning, the way you are ‘round Chris, how you make me smile and… okay even for your stupidly good ass and you know” he moves his hand in a self-explanatory gesture to his lower parts. “You are way more than what you look like. And that is just a mark on you, that means you are alive… you are a survivor, and those are just… signs of that. You won a battle, Evan”.

And Buck rolls his eyes skyward, not saying a thing, deciding to move his hand away.

And even if Eddie knows what he’s going to see, because he saw it open, and saw a lot of wound like that before and after healing, and a lot of them which didn’t heal, it still is a punch in the gut. No wonder Buck wanted to cover it, not for yourself but for Eddie, because he may remember how bad it was on the ambulance, right after he exited that fuming inferno. But now is somehow small, it’s like a narrow crooked pink thread, a few inches from his sternum, almost half a palm long, it healed well, and it may leave a glossy, whitened skin in a couple of years. The pinkish-hot steaming and bubbling blood a long-forgotten memory. Evan lifts his left arm enough to make Eddie see the other scar, the chest tube anchoring one: they used a different technique here, something quite new, introducing a two layered closure to avoid wound healing complication, like a hypertrophic or a keloid scar, and to achieve airtight closure. It’s a tiny one, two inches, scar that almost blend with the muscles and the curve of the ribs.

Eddie moves his finger ghosting over the tissue with the tiniest frown. “You scared me so much, but those are proofs that you are alive, and a survivor. Every imperfection makes us glorious. And as I said, chicks dig in scars…”.

“You are terrible at this” Buck murmurs a lopsided smile.

“Nah, you know I’m perfect and always right. I ain’t no chick but, I’m sure diggin’ in” Eddie says, moving to help him in his t-shirt. “Go wash your teeth so we better get going, you have to talk to Bobby and all…” he adds, throwing in his face that grey sweater. “It’s yours now”.

“Nu-uh! I like it better on you. And I want to steal it every now and then…” Buck murmurs, getting up and going to the bathroom.

Eddie huffs a small sigh, when alone, registering this new normalcy. He’d better keep going, and finish dressing up without indulging so much in his daydreaming.

.

.

.

Their drive to the station was unusually quiet, not weird-tense quiet, maybe content-quiet. Every now and then, Buck would move his hand on Eddie’s thigh, squeezing softly and smiling at him without saying a word. No weird fun facts, no cheesy words, just them and some awful Christmas song buzzing distantly in the speakers. Maybe Buck is a little tense, that’s what Eddie would rationally assume. ’Cause when he gets tense he does one out of two things: either he talks too much about the most absurd and random facts, or he just shut his mouth in a forced silence.

But this doesn’t sound forced, it’s just content, and maybe he’s almost-worrying too much. Because he isn’t worrying, nope, absolutely

When they reach the station, the station, he hears him groan softly.

He doesn’t ask anything just waits. Buck isn’t so good with dealing with his feelings, but he usually isn’t ashamed of talking about them, so he just waits.

“Fuck, I’m nervous like the very first day I came here” he murmurs. “I guess something never changes, even if a lot of things change…”.

Eddie moves to touch the nape of his neck. “It’s going to be alright”.

And Buck rolls his eyes, snorting.

“I’m not terrible at this, whatever you say” Eddie grumbles and moves to get off the truck. “Let’s go, so we can be home in no time”.

Buck steps out of the car sighing softly. “Go on alone, it’s gonna take me forever to climb all those steps”.

“Okay, wait for you up there.” Eddie says.

“You should say ‘No I’ll carry you, my dear’ or something along the line…” Buck complains.

“That’s because you always say I’m terrible at this” Eddie shrugs, before sprinting inside and leaving him practically there, he can still hear him complaining while he walks past the locker room.

The station is unreasonably quiet, like they are all out on a scene, but the trucks and the ambulance are still in there. And they parked between Chim’s car and Bobby’s, so they are surely there. And there’s also Hen’s white coat attached to her locker’s door.

Eddie decides not to think too much about it and go upstairs. A stupid grin curling his lips every time he stops on the steps to look at Buck who’s slowly climbing the stairs, who mutters something under his breath, his fingers clamping on the banister.

When he reaches the mezzanine, he is about to introduce Buck’s a bit too slow grand entrance when he sees them, their family. Bobby, Athena, May and Henry, Michael and his cute doctor ─ David or whichever his name is, Eddie isn’t so good with names─, Maddie and Chim (and presumably their daughter is somewhere, napping in her carrycot), Hen, Karen with Denny and Nia, Albert, his abuela, Pepa and his parents with Chris and Carla. There’s even Nate – the substitute – and some other colleagues from the other shift. All smiling and with stupid glittering hats on their head.

“Surprise” Buck murmurs behind him and the others echo him.

“I thought you didn’t want a party, you know with all the…” he starts to say, and he feels like a deer caught in the headlights.

“That’s not for me, not only at least. But for all of us,” Buck says.

“And the planetarium?” he asks looking over to his dad, and Christopher.

“It won’t go anywhere!” his father says.

“Hoping the San Andreas fault doesn’t act up” comments May softly.

“We are going in the noon” Chris quips moving to hug his Bucky. “You did good, those are a lot of steps”.

“They surely are, and your dad has been a big meanie ‘bout it” he says. “He just sprinted and didn’t even carry me, can you believe?”.

Chris frowns, thoughtful. “You are big, he isn’t strong enough to carry you over here”. And it’s almost an insult for both of them. No more time with Chim for him.

The kids, Eddie’s parents and Chim and Hen snort loudly. “That’s true, kid, tell ‘em”.

“My own kid!” Eddie groans, but he can feel the big smile tugging at his lips. Their family all together there. It almost feels like it’s normal, perfectly normal.

And it’s a quiet, almost lazy day, not like yesterday, they could eat their second breakfast in peace. He can see Buck talking animatedly with Bobby over his toast and his orange juice, the others have platters full of Bobby, Pepa and abuela’s goodies.

Eddie has never felt so happy, in that station. His family all around them. From time to time, he moves his gaze along the table, exchanging a glance with Buck every now and then surrounded by the kids, all smiles and stories and things he didn’t know happened during his sleep. And every single time he looks at Buck, he seems happier than before, his sister a couple of seats away from him because Athena wanted to seat with him and Chris on his other side, so he is quite far away from Eddie but still looking, always looking.

Chim and Hen, but also Carla and Pepa are roasting him, all questions and comments about their new living arrangements, every now and then Karen tries to save his ass, but his parents are there to do the same, in an unusually supportive way. It’s good, it’s something he didn’t want he needed, he wanted maybe, but now it’s real and perfect.

And he’d be lying if he said that when he saw Buck pick up his niece for the first time and start talking to her in that adorable, sweet, silly tone, his heart didn’t take that stupid, almost embarrassing leap in his stomach. The wide grin he has is something Eddie hadn’t even thought was possible a few hours back, last night, or thinking about a few months ago.

He’s lost so many things over the past few months, even Chris’ birthday, that went smoothly, wasn’t a happy moment in his clouded mind. Not to mention all the other parties that took place there, or at someone else’s house, he wasn’t enjoying himself like this in a long time.

The noise is pleasant, the station is back all alive and loud, full of family feels and happiness. It vibrates with something that now as the taste of happiness, of everyday, of normality. And Eddie has concluded that even Nate, the too much happy-go-lucky substitute, is not so terrible if you exchange to words with him.

.

At some point, after cleaning up the table, he sists near Buck still engulfed by May, Henry and Denny, Nia almost sleeping on his lap, and Chris talking about the next movie they are all going to watch with Buck, Maddie’s daughter back in her carrycot, sleeping her blissful, full-stomach sleep.

He waits for the kids to leave Buck be for a moment, and then shifts closer.

“My day off is your doing, right?” he murmurs softly, it isn’t an accusation, he is just stating a fact.

“Yep,” he pops. “I wanted this to be good, and you had to enjoy yourself a bit, with your parents and family, and all the crew it’s good the alarm hasn’t rang yet” Buck murmurs. “I wanted to celebrate life, and not my work slipping away. Work is not everything I have.” he adds softly, burrowing in his side, his head bent enough to rest on Eddie’s shoulder. “I have a family, here. And that’s not gonna end if I stop working here. Something the old me didn’t know”.

“New you is a very wise you.” Eddie murmurs brushing his lips over the edge of his forehead. “And I love you so much I almost feel repetitive”.

“You are terrible at this for this reason. I don’t need to hear it. I know you do. And I do too. Your actions speak louder than words, remember? And the way you make me feel… that’s a lot to take…” Buck snorts softly.

“Can we do it now, Bucky?” he hears Chris ask, next to Ramon all intent on beating Chim, Albert and Michael’s asses at the pinball.

“Oh, yeah sooner the better! Eddie you should really see your dad how good is at that, he is a master pinball champion!” Buck murmurs moving from the couch to where Maddie, Karen, Athena and abuela are talking. Eddie’s mom seems to have the best time of her life laughing hard, they are clearly talking about some weird stupid thing either Buck or Eddie himself did. “Hey now, don’t make me look bad in front of my soon to be suegra”.

And that catches Eddie’s attention, while he moves closer to the pinball, more than his dad’s score blinking in red on the machine. But due to the noise around him now, he can’t hear Buck bickering with Athena and Maddie about it. He may have misheard.

But then his dad decides to let the ball, which just sprinted through the ramp, roll over the side of the flip and fall, not redirecting it back into the playfield. And everyone stays silent for a second.

His dad looks over at abuela and his mom, and Eddie’s gaze moves there too, just to find Buck moving closer his hands fidgeting around something that looks like a little box. And it takes Eddie off guard, and something in the back of his head clicks.

“Better doing it now, before the bell rings” Buck murmurs under his breath.

“Go for it!” Hen yells.

Eddie looks around. All those people around them, it can’t possibly be the case, can it? “Are you trying to woo me?”.

“Oh, shut up Diaz I already wooed you a long time ago” Buck says. “This is a bit different”.

“No hot-air balloon for you Eddie!” Chim peeps and Maddie rolls her eyes.

“It’s so unfortunate” Athena retorts.

And Bobby nods. “But at least we are going to avoid rescuing your sorry asses from a hot-air balloon, or a moving helicopter, or whatever was Buck’s idea for this”.

“Better stay on solid ground” Karen says her thumbs up, so that Nia and Denny do the same.

And someone of those present, consent with a certain clamour, mimicking the thumb up gesture with a tiny nod.

Buck rolls his eyes, his ears pinkish, almost red, and looks over at all the people there, a stupid, fond smirk on his face. “Can I just, please ask him to marry me or are we going to do this for much longer? I have to know because I have to kneel at some point”.

A tiny, stupid sigh escapes Eddie’s lips. “No need to kneel, you already asked me”.

“That’s what I said!” Hen quips, and Karen just elbows her.

Buck groans.

“Go for it Bucky!” Chris chirps out loud.

“Go for it” Eddie murmurs, quieter, with a voice so soft he couldn’t even believe himself. He doesn’t know what to do with his hands, so he takes one of Buck’s so that they can be both anchored one to the other.

Buck squeezes his hand and scoffs a soft, mute thank you, before starting again. “No grand romantic gestures, no wooing in extraordinary ways, no extremely sickening cheesy speeches,” he says, his voice soft like his breath on his skin when they sleep together, and gentle like his hands and eyes, a small smile tugging at the corner of his lips. “I just wanted this to be ordinary. With the people we care about around us. Because that’s what we’ll have if you make me the happiest idiot in the world and marry me: each other and our family. I already asked Chris and your dad, so we have a green light, you know so…”.

And Eddie rolls his eyes. “You are such a sap and somehow I am the terrible one at this”.

All around them, their friends, their family laugh joyfully. But Eddie doesn’t even notice it somehow. They are there, but they are somewhere else, like that night before, everywhere and nowhere, at the same time.

“Bad habits rub off” Buck smirks, opening the velvety box revealing a simple metal, maybe silver, band.

“We have a lot of bad habits to share” Eddie nods, softly moving a step forward and leaning closer, to kiss Buck’s lips right then and there, in front of everyone.

“Yikes” he can hear from Henry, Chris and Denny.

Buck snorts and rolls his eyes unceremoniously. “It’s that your consent?”.

And Eddie nods, simply. Yet is loud and clear, and soft, and stupid. And everyone else are starting to clap, but the noise is just a drumming in his ears, while he looks over to Buck who high-fives Chris.

“Put the ring on it, Buckley!” yells Carla.

And Buck, always industrious, executes the order in no time, taking Eddie’s hand and slipping the ring on the finger, first the wrong one, his hand clammy and trembling, and then moving to the right finger.

Eddie looks over at his dad and mom, who smile at him, happy and then everyone sticks closer to engulf them in hugs and shake their congratulations.

It’s stupid, and soft, nothing big but perfect.

He looks over at Buck, who beams a smile back at him. “No eloping” he says under his breath.

“No eloping for now” Buck corrects him. “We aren’t in a rom com, yet”.

.

.

.

A/N:

It took me like 6/7 months but here we are! Sorry for the wait! at some point I was about to throw in the towel this chapter didn't really want to exit from my head.

But here we are so thank you very much for your patience and for supporting me with all the love you gave to this work.

If you reached the end of this mammoth chapter you are now my favourite person! I hope you liked this whole 27 pages/16k chapter-mess(???). I really can't English right now, so if you find something that makes your skin crawl, misspellings or mistakes of every sorts please let me know.

So now I'm bidding my farewell to this work I hope you enjoyed the trip so far and you'll follow the developments of the rest of this.

Yes, because this now has become a series! (somehow!!)It took me like 6/7 months but here we are! Stay tuned for more (i could take a month or two, or could take forever we don’t even know)

As always, stay safe and take care of you!

tagging @buckleystrand; @sparksfly-buddie; @chrrlees; @lieselfh;  @themoonyloveenvy and whoever wants to be tagged!

[buckleysjareau]

everything is blue

When Evan Buckley is ten, he discovers nail polish.

-

In which Buck paints his nails, Eddie is flustered, and May is matchmaker.

read on ao3

When Evan Buckley is ten years old, he discovers nail polish. At twenty-eight years old, thinking back, he feels like an idiot because who doesn’t know what nail polish is?

Maddie always had some bright color on her nails and ten year old Buck wanted to have bright nails more than anything. He sneaks the nail polish from his sister’s room at three in the morning, thanking God he’s always been good at keeping quiet, and he picks out a sky blue polish. Watching Maddie, he figured it would be as easy as she made it look, but the nail polish is all over his nails and fingers by the time Maddie finds him. 

“If you wanted me to paint your nails, you could have just asked.” She whispers. 

Buck jumps. “Please don’t tell mom and dad.”

Maddie tiredly smiles. “Lips are sealed.” 

“Throw away the key?”

“Throw away the key.” She holds out her pinky and smiles when his small pinky links with hers. “Here, let me help.” She guides Buck to the toilet, sits him down, and grabs nail polish remover from the cabinet. 

“You still want this color?” Maddie smiles as she holds up the Essie bottle. 

Buck grins. “Yeah, it reminds me of summer.” 

When Maddie finishes his nails, he’s beaming. He’s wanted to have pretty nails since he saw Maddie’s glitter polish collection. 

“Alright, Evan, time for bed. You better get up tomorrow when I wake you up for school.” Maddie warns. 

Buck just rolls his eyes. “Yes, mom.”

The next day, things go from good to bad within a second. He’s reeling, so happy and loves the color of his nails and he feels like nothing can take it away. Until something does take it away.

That something being Logan Hawk. He’s always had a problem with the sixth grader, he thought he owned their grade school and even at ten years old, Buck wanted to punch the asshole out of him but because he’s little wimpy Evan he won’t. 

“You a queer or somethin’, Buckley?” Logan grabs Buck’s hand and examines the blue on his nails. “Huh? Use your words, queer.” 

He doesn’t remember doing what he does next, and he hates that he doesn’t remember it. He’d love to remember finally punching Logan Hawk. He does however remember his parents coming in to take him home for being suspended. 

He remembers the entire ride home, his dad’s yelling loud enough to hurt Buck’s ears. Madeline is going to pay for letting you use her nail polish. Doesn’t she know it’s only for girls? No son of mine is gonna be a queer, you hear me? As soon as we get home, wash that shit off your nails, Evan. If not, there will be hell to pay.

 That was the first and only time he’d painted his nails. Now at twenty-eight, a little more than drunk, he doesn’t hear Logan’s voice or his dad’s as he feels the need to paint his nails a pretty color. Or colors, more than one color would be exciting.

He picks up his phone and dials the one person who he knows isn’t at work and would have nail polish. “Hey ‘Thena.” 

“What’s up, Buckaroo?” He hears the amusement in her voice and grins. 

“Will you come over and paint my nails?” 

“Paint your nails?” She tries to clarify.

“Yeah, I really want to paint them but I have none and I’m really shit at it. Can you bring nail polish?” 

“You’re lucky I love you, Buckaroo.” 

Buck feels like there’s sunshine coming from his heart and lighting his whole apartment. “Awwwww, ‘Thena, I love you too.”

The phone hangs up and ten minutes later, Athena is letting herself in with the key he gave her after he’d fallen down the stairs trying to get to his bed in his cast. She’s got a small bin in her hand, full of colors and glitter, and Buck is beaming.

“Should I be concerned that it’s only eight at night and you’re this drunk?” Athena raises her brow and crosses her arms and Buck thinks it’s so motherly, he wants to cry. 

“I’m not that drunk.” He pouts. “Can I see the colors?”

Athena snorts. “Knock yourself out, kid.” 

He sets aside a silver nail polish and continues to look. He does the same thing with the pink, and when he finds the exact shade Buck used when he was ten, he grips it in his hand and places it near his chest. Athena’s looking at him weird, but really, Buck couldn’t find it in him to be embarrassed about it.

“Can you do these three colors?” 

“I sure can. Can you get me a paper towel and some tissues?” 

Buck does as she says and gets comfortable on the couch when he gets back. 

It’s quiet for a minute as she carefully does the first coat of pink. When she’s done, she reaches for his other hand. “Don’t touch those, they’re not dry.” 

“Aye, aye, Captain.” He snorts. 

Athena fondly rolls her eyes. “So what’s with the sudden urge to have your nails painted?”

“It’s not sudden. I’ve wanted to paint my nails since I was ten. It didn’t go well the first time I did it, so I haven’t since. But a school bully and my asshole of a father aren’t here to tell me I can’t. Fuck toxic masculinity.” Buck is honest when he’s drunk, he’ll spill his deepest darkest secrets and not remember doing it the next day. He hates that but, here he is, still drinking and still spilling secrets. 

“Well, I’m sorry it didn’t go as well the first time, but I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to trust me to paint them for you.” 

“Can I tell you a secret?” Buck whispers dramatically.

“You can tell me anything.”

“I love Eddie so much it’s starting to hurt.” He pauses. “Do you think he’ll like my nails?”

Athena smiles. “He’ll love your nails. Maybe you should end the hurt and ask him out?”

“He’d never say yes to me.” He sighs miserably. “But, hey, let’s not focus on my breaking heart. Let’s focus on happy things because my nails already look good.”

Athena’s about to respond when her phone cuts her off. “May’s Facetiming. Probably to ask where her nail polish is.” She laughs. 

“Answer, answer, I wanna tell her she has amazing taste in nail polish.”

“You’re a child, Evan Buckley.” She rolls her eyes but answers the phone. “Hey, May.”

“Where did all the nail polish go?” The tinny voice has Buck laughing. “Is that Buck?”

“Hi, May! I’m holding your nail polish hostage, is that okay?”

He sees May laugh. “Normally when someone is held hostage, it’s not usually okay with the other person. But, yes, it’s fine.”

Buck holds up his right hand, which is completely done. “Look how pretty.”

“I see you used my sky blue Essie.” She grins, holding up her own hand with the exact shade. 

“I wore that shade when I was ten!” He giggles. “I was so happy to find it in here. You should paint my nails, too, one day!” 

May giggles. “I’ll be there. I gotta study, bye Buck, love you mom.”

Buck wakes up the next morning to his alarm. The night before rushes back to his mind and he looks at his newly painted nails. He loves them, but now sober, he hears Logan and his dad. He can hear Eddie saying something bad, even though if Buck were being rational, he knows he never would. 

He notices a note on his bedside table, a glass of water and two Advil next to it.

Remember what you said. Do what makes you happy. - Athena.

He hates that Athena knows him so well, but he holds the note to his chest and counts to ten before getting up to shower. 

The drive to the station is silent. He looks down at his nails every so often and holds onto the feeling of not caring. He gets to the station and smiles at Hen as he walks to the locker room. He changes, grabs a cup of coffee and sits down at the counter before anyone notices his nails. 

“I like the colors.” Bobby grins. Buck lets out a huge sigh of relief. 

“Me too.” 

“You painted your nails?” Hen raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah.” He clears his throat. “Actually, Athena did.”

Clash. 

They all turn towards Eddie, who dropped his mug filled with hot coffee, as he stares at Buck’s nails. 

“What? Can’t a guy paint his nails?” Buck’s entire face is red under the stare of his best friend. 

“I- I- uh- you- I love your nails.” He's stumbling with his words and Buck is as big of a mess as he is so he refuses to talk. He smiles and grabs a broom, starting to sweep up the broken glass as Eddie continues to stare. 

“Eddie, take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Chimney snorts. 

Eddie doesn’t have a chance to quip back before the bell rings. A pileup on the 405, two major injuries, no fatalities. People really need to learn how to drive.

When they arrive at the scene, Buck follows Eddie to the first car to check on the driver.

“Sir, I’m Buck and this is Eddie, we’re here to get you out.” He starts. “What’s your name, sir?”

The man is about to reply before his eyes land on Buck’s nails and suddenly he feels self conscious. 

“Only pansies and girls paint their nails. Go help someone el-”

Eddie cuts in. “Who says nail polish is only for girls, huh? Is there a rule book somewhere that says it in writing?”

It makes you happy, don’t let them ruin it for you. There doesn’t have to be a reason to be happy because your nails are painted. I am happy. 

Athena’s voice repeats in his head as Bobby walks up.

“Is there a problem?” He has the jaws of life in his hand, so Buck figures Eddie must have asked for it when Buck spaced out. 

“No, sir.” The asshole answers. 

“Good.”

No one else bothers Buck about his nails after that. It’s been a week and Eddie is acting weird around Buck, ten times more clumsy than usual. May says it’s because he’s so flustered around him that he’s acting this way. Buck calls bullshit. 

“What’s Eddie’s favorite color?” 

“Red.” He answers before May can really finish the question. She rolls her eyes but takes out the red nail polish. “May, I’m gonna match the firetruck.” 

He can hear Bobby laugh from the kitchen and sees him peeking out. “I think Eddie would love that.”

May hums in agreement. 

“You know, I’m not painting my nails for Eddie.” 

“You’re not painting your nails, I am.” May laughs when Buck grumbles. “I wasn’t painting my nails for Darius but this red here got me a second date, so trust it.” 

Buck rolls his eyes. “Still mad I didn’t get to give him the shovel talk before Bobby.”

“That would have been one too many shovel talks though. Between mom, dad, and Bobby? He would have walked out for sure if you gave him one.” 

Buck snorts. “If he walked away because of an extra shovel talk then he deserves the shovel talks.” 

“Alright, alright, we’re not talking about Darius and me. We’re talking about you and Eddie.”

“Were we?” 

“Yes.” Bobby, Athena, and May say in unison. 

“That’s funny because there is no me and Eddie.” 

“Whatever you say, lover boy.” May quips as she paints the pinky. “All done.” 

“You staying for dinner, kid?” Bobby asks as Buck stands. 

“Wish I could but Eddie and I are taking Christopher to the skatepark.” He rolls his eyes when he receives identical looks from Athena and May. “Has anyone ever told you how creepy it is how much you look alike?” 

“Every day.” 

Buck can’t really point out why he felt so nervous driving to Eddie’s house. Eddie had no issue with Buck wanting to paint his nails, he wasn’t mad, he was just...acting weird.

So why does today feel life changing? He’s hanging out with Eddie and Christopher like he does every weekend. There should be nothing different in the way he feels but there is and Buck can’t tell if it’s his anxiety or something is going to happen.

He knocks on the door when he gets there. He never usually knocks but somehow this time, it seemed appropriate to knock instead of walking in. 

“Since when do you knock?” Eddie asks in lieu of his normal greeting. 

Buck only shrugs in response. “You guys ready?”

“Not quite. Chris still needs to finish his homework.” 

They’re walking into the kitchen when Buck spots a lot of dark blue stains on a dish towel. He looks over and sees the nail polish and Buck can’t seem to function. He just looks back and forth between Eddie and the nail polish. 

Eddie looks sheepish. “Uh, yeah, I tried to paint my nails. Not as easy as Shannon made it look.”

Buck doesn’t answer. He feels like he lost all ability to function. 

“Buck? Did I break y-” Buck’s lips are on Eddie’s before he gets the chance to finish his sentence. Eddie is kissing back, cups Buck’s jaw in his hands and Buck mirrors his movements. His heart is beating out of his chest, he can’t believe this is happening, thinks maybe it’s an amazing dream and he’ll wake up and be ten years old again but he prays to stay in this dream as long as possible. 

They break apart for air. 

“Wow.” Eddie breathes. “If I knew painting my nails would have gotten you to kiss me like that, I would have done it way sooner.” 

Buck feels like he’s about to choke on his own spit. “I- you- what?” 

“I you what?” Eddie smirks. “By the way, love the red.”

“I guess May was right then.” Buck sighs. “Since we’ve got time, maybe painting someone else’s nails is easier than painting your own?” 

“What was May right about?” 

“That the red would get me a date?” He smiles innocently.

“Funny. She said the same thing when I borrowed the blue from her.” Eddie laughs and the two look at each before laughing, realizing May set them up. “She gave me the shovel talk, you know.”

“That girl is a carbon copy of her mother, I swear.” Buck laughs. “So how about that date?”

“I’ll pick you up Friday at eight.” 

“Don’t be late.” Buck winks.

“Are you talking to yourself?” 

“Rude!”