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swap-and-possessions · 9 months

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Renting to Muscleheads: Transaction (Sunday)

Story commissioned by: Valagon37

Delve into the life of Gerald, a contractual body swapper, as he offers body-swapping services to bodybuilders seeking a break from their strict routines. One frequent client is Devin, a famous Filipino bodybuilder in Canada. As the summer vacation sets in, they find themselves in each other’s bodies throughout the one-week holiday. Gerard continues Devin’s life of being a famous bodybuilding vlogger while Devin enjoys his vacation in Gerard’s body. •·················•·················•

Gerald stretched his arms as he rose from the bed. It has been months since he moved to Canada, but he still couldn't get used to cold mornings such as today. The first thing he does every morning is look for new messages on his Swappr profile. As expected, there were already a couple invites for his services. Back then, weeks passed before Gerald could get a single message. Now? People are clamoring for his body. Not his body, to be specific. But it was the niche in this saturated business he was in.

One must have knowledge of what Swappr is to understand Gerald's niche. It is an application that utilizes body-swapping technology and compartmentalizes it on everybody's smartphones. A person could swap bodies with other people with a single press! Of course, it is human nature to progress and innovate. Several businesses and gigs popped by the dozen to capitalize on this advancement. People started renting out their bodies to the highest bidders, and this was a region where hot male and female superstars found great success. But as the years went by, the market became saturated with the same handsome hunks and beefy bodybuilders. For a not-so-handsome twink like Gerald, scoring a client seemed impossible. The only clients he had were cheapskates and scammers. He was lucky his body was unharmed during this period of his life. There were rumors about body-lenders returning to their bodies with wounds or bruises. Or worse, addicted to illegal drugs.

For months, Gerald left his account open while he worked other jobs. It was left untouched for months until his colleague saw his profile and introduced Gerald to his colleague's cousin, Ray.

As you can see, Ray is a famous bodybuilder/cosplayer in the Philippines. He has commercials, sponsorships, etc. He earned money by flexing his muscles on camera during his popular live streams. It was a life Gerald could only dream of. But it wasn't all roses and peaches, as Ray explained to Gerald. To have this body means a regimen of daily exhaustive exercise and a strict protein diet. Months have passed since he last ate chocolate, and years have passed since his tongue tasted soda.

"I'm this close to falling into temptation," Ray stressed. He couldn't think how he'd act if he saw someone eat chips in front of him. Upon hearing those words, Gerald got an idea when he saw the chips he was eating.

"How about you swap with me for a bit?" Gerald suggested. "I have chips here. It won't harm you if you eat them in my body."

Ray perked up like a lightbulb lit inside his head. "You know what? That is actually a good idea. I don't know why I haven't thought of that before."

With a single button press, Gerald was swept from his seat and transported to a place he could only see through Ray's streams. It was his private gym! All these machines and equipment were bought by the massive muscles he flexed on camera on the daily! And those muscles are now attached to his arms! Gerald wasn't thin by anyone's standard, but he never had muscles this massive. The power! The overwhelming strength! God almighty. This is amazing!

"People pay to experience a minute in my body. You're lucky I'm desperate to swap with you," Ray chuckled with Gerald's voice on the camera. He seemed to find the bag of chips beside the computer and ripped it open in a second. Gerald could only watch as his old body feasted on the crispy chips and chugged on the 1.5-liter soda. "God! I forgot how good they taste. Do you have other chips? I'm starving for chips!"

"I have a couple hidden on the desk cabinet," Gerald said. "Do I still need to pay after swapping bodies with you?"

"Letting me engorge on all your chips is payment enough. And damn, dude! Your cabinet is filled with chips! Do you eat these daily?"

"Those are actually my month's supply," Gerald said, but it seemed Ray didn't hear him. He was off camera as he ravaged Gerald's stash of snacks.

With Ray preoccupied, Gerald took the time to acquaint himself with this new fantastic body in front of the mirror. It is not every day that one finds himself in the body of a famous bodybuilder. Gerald might not get this chance again.

In front of the mirror, Gerald touched his face and admired how smooth yet brusque his definitions were. He swapped bodies with other men before, but seeing a different reflection felt like a whiplash he would never get used to. His fingers traced downwards to the bulge of his muscles and the crests between them. He felt how deep they were, how heavy they felt on his body, and how much strength they exuded even though he hadn't flexed them yet. And he did. He flexed them until his muscles were bulging beyond his expectations. He marvels at the chiseled physique exuding more power than he could release from his old body. Sweat dripped from his forehead as he relaxed his muscles. He ended his inspection with a gaze on his pecs and squeezed them as his body slowed to a breathing simmer.

"You seem to be having with my body," Ray said before burping.

"Oh. I'm sorry if it discomforts you,"

“No. I'm not inconvenienced in any way. I'm already used to it since I lent my body to people before I became a famous streamer. Anyway, I'm ready to swap us back now. I'm sorry for the mess here. I was so eager to do things I couldn't do in that body." Ray opened the Swappr app on Gerald's phone and swapped their bodies in the blink of an eye. Gerald felt he was in touch with greatness by inhabiting Ray's body, but that sense of connection vanished instantly. His stomach was near to bursting, and an overbearing taste of sugar hung in his mouth. Without a break, Ray continued talking before flexing his guns in front of the camera. "Thanks for letting me eat the foods I wanted while I'm in your body."

"Hnnggg..." Gerald felt like puking after that abrupt change. "No worries, man."

With that, the call ended, leaving Gerald to deal with his emptied stash, chip crumbs all over the floor, and three empty soda bottles rolling under his feet. Gerald could've peeked or jerked off if Ray was to leave his body and place a mess. But, hey! He had the body of a bodybuilding superstar, even if it was only brief.

Gerald's experiences didn't end after his brief touch with Ray. A day after their swap, Ray's next vlog talked about finally getting the chance to eat junk food again. Of course, he preferred doing it in the middle of his strictest diet to clickbait impressions. Without Gerald's permission, he was mentioned in the vlog about how he gave Ray the chance to do this thing for him. Then Ray also linked Gerald's Swappr profile at the end of the video.

After that? Well... Gerald's cheap Android phone lagged from the flood of notifications on his Swappr profile. He had to turn off notifications and set the privacy to registered users to cut the message invitations to a quarter. By then, his bidding notifications were still popping every minute or so. To score a potential swapper, clients must bid for the highest price. Right now, the highest bid for the daily rate was pushing beyond 1,000 PHP (17.67 USD) and was only getting higher and higher. Gerald checked his messages and saw hundreds of profiles leading to men with muscular bodies asking him to swap bodies. Many availed through the official bidding channels, while others proposed a higher bid but wanted the swap to go under the table. They didn't explain why, but Gerald had an inkling of a thought as to why. These men, who wanted to mask their swapping history, were men who touted to have the most disciplined and resilient minds in their bodybuilding vlogs. They bragged about how few people could follow their strict regimens and diets. Knowing they swapped bodies with Gerald to eat junk food and drink fizzy colas would tout them as great hypocrites in their community.

Gerald wanted none of that mess, so he resorted to the official bidding channels on whose body he would swap with. Since then, Gerald's niche has become known to the bodybuilding community. He was the go-to guy when a bodybuilder wanted to taste junk food or sodas. These guys are so desperate for junk food that they'd spend twenty bucks on something that costs barely a dollar. They also spend an hour of privacy since Gerald demands complete control and view of the people he swaps with. That means he could strip naked, jerk off, take videos and pictures of his masturbating body, etc. That seemed to shy away some of his possible clients. But many were too desperate to experience indulgences they couldn't fulfill in their bodies.

Since then, Gerald's rate has surged to $50. He had clients lining up his profile for days! It was good that medicine advanced to the point where it could make people immune to electrolyte imbalance disease due to overeating junk food. But it still wasn't enough to prevent people from getting fat, which is what these bodybuilders are avoiding. Gerald had no issue gaining weight since his body efficiently burns calories with a simple cardio workout on his bike.

Gerald's rate wasn't the only thing that increased. Some of his clients also increased the days on how long they would be in Gerald's body. Eating junk food wasn't the only thing they would do. They would bring Gerald's body on vacations around the Philippines. Gerald may not be buff, but he had looks that bodybuilders need to score men and women on beaches and resorts. Then, they also have the leniency to eat whatever they want. Gerald spent days without returning to his body. He was entertained enough with hourly jerk-offs and photoshoot sessions of his muscular body, but that still left him with more hours to his days with nothing to do.

That was when Gerald started practicing how to act like the body he swapped with. Ray was his usual client and often watched his vlogs, so it was somewhat easy to replicate his strict regimen and confidence in the camera. Ray saw it, and for an additional hundred to his usual daily wage, he requested Gerald act like him and act like he hasn't swapped bodies to eat junk food again. Whenever Ray switches bodies with Gerald, he has to stop his schedule, which translates to frustrated viewers and less money. That wasn't a problem anymore if Gerald could act like Ray.

And to Ray's surprise, Gerald could replace him one day, and nobody would notice the difference. The guy was a natural-born vlogger/streamer.

Gerald found his niche. He gave respite to bodybuilders seeking freedom from their strict lifestyle while continuing their life for them. Gerald always grew tired of the taste of soda and junk food after every ‘body swap,’ so the plain and slightly bitter flavor of protein shakes and chicken breasts was a welcome change for him. He also found immense joy in lifting weights and pushing himself until his muscles were aching and pulsating. Gerald relished being a bodybuilder and took even greater delight in displaying his borrowed physique to audiences worldwide. He found his niche and was perfect for it.

But life has a funny way of curving your tracks. Gerald thought he was comfortable with how everything was going. Gradually, his highest bidders turned out to be foreign bodybuilders. Local bodybuilders couldn't compete anymore with how the bids could go. Most of these winning bids came from the West, particularly in Canada. Gerald was surprised at how many bodybuilders were in Canada. On certain days, as much as a quarter of competing bids for his body came from Canadians. After every transaction, many would comment how it would be better if Gerald lived in Canada. They could eat Canadian junk foods instead of the salty and savory junk food prevalent in the Philippines.

Many would argue that Gerald's decision was too hasty. That includes Ray, who literally begged on his private call for him to stay in the Philippines.

"Who am I going to swap with if I want Piattos?" Ray begged.

"Ever since you made me famous, many body lenders with a niche similar to mine have appeared. You could ask them," Gerald said on camera as he busily packed his clothes for tomorrow's flight. "I know a few who you'd like."

"I don't want them. I want you!" Ray cried. "I tried others, but they don't act as well as you are. Many of my viewers noticed the shift in personality, and they bashed me in the comments section. That has never happened before!"

"I'm sorry, Ray. My decision is final." Gerald chuckled. "I don't understand why you're crying to me. You could still swap bodies with me even though I'm in Canada, you know? You'll get to eat Canadian junk foods like donuts or poutine."

"Those are good, but I want Piattos or Cheese Curls!"

"You could send them to my address before swapping bodies with me. It's expensive, but that is the price you must pay if you want a break from your diet."

"Hmph!" Ray pouted. "Fine. Good luck on your trip to Canada. I wish you great success in that cold, frigid country."

"You know I will,"

With that, Gerald flew to Canada. Driven by sweet promises and opportunities, he continued doing his niche with the Canadian bodybuilder community. But to his surprise, the community was a hotpot of cultures and ethnicities. They helped him settle down and acquaint him with the local populace and culture to better prepare him for his future acts. But he knew knowing the local culture meant little when Gerald simply had to act confident while boasting about his exercise and diet in front of the camera. Many people in his niche have problems in the confidence part, so that leaves Gerald as the best person in his field.

In time, more and more clients lined up for Gerald's services. But one prevailed over the harsh bidding contests most of the time. His name is Devin. He is a renowned Filipino bodybuilder who found more significant success on foreign shores than in the Philippines. Gerald was like him in a way. Perhaps it was this connection that prompted him to become a frequent client, or maybe it was because Gerald was also Filipino.

"So, it's just a week?" Gerald asked as he sipped on the dark chocolate Devin prepared for him after driving for an hour under that frigid weather outside. Devin was a client who preferred his body swaps to happen face-to-face.

"A week and a day. We swap today, Monday. Then again next week on Monday. My family and I are going to Boracay, wouldn't you believe it?" Devin said as Gerald gave him a puzzled look. Why wouldn't it happen? Devin was rich, and going to Boracay was possible for him. "We're going to Boracay, that overrated tourist trap. We could've gone to Coron or Siargao. Those beaches are way better, and they have world-class seafood cuisines. You're not allergic to crawfish, right?"

"No. I'm not allergic to any food; last I checked with my allergologist." Gerald had a skin test, and none of the allergens reacted to his body. It was a thankful blessing because of the varied foods his clients would make his body eat. "Overly spicy foods might be a problem for your stomach, though."

"I think I can handle it," Devin scoffed after a brief laugh. "Can you handle a week of my life? It's our most extended transaction so far."

"Given my track record, I can handle it," Gerald said confidently. His most extended stay was three weeks, and it was uneventful, except for forgetting to turn off his stream camera and nearly jerking off in front of twenty-thousand viewers. "If you forgot, our deal means I can jerk off, take pictures of you, etc. My other clients seem to forget that."

"You don't have to say that every time. We swap bodies at the end of every month. I think we're already way past privacy and all that shit. Are you ready?" Devin asked, and Gerald nodded. A single press. A single blink. Both woke up in each other's bodies and acted without a pause in their actions. They've done this countless times already. Devin jumped down from the kitchen island seat and continued doing his prior task of packing his clothes. Since he and Gerald swap bodies often, he already had a set of clothes in Gerald's size. Once done, he went toward Gerald, who was already busy flexing his guns, and swiftly cusped his old body's dick and balls. Gerald grew hard instantly.

"You're going to use my dick a lot this week, don't you?" Devin said with a breathy voice. "God! I could feel how excited you are to use my meat."

"Do you want to have a go, right now?" Gerald smiled. Devin kept his tight hold over his balls. He squeezed Gerald's meat, marbled the testicles between fingers, and kept it warm. He had several experiences with fucking his original body, and half was with Ray in the Philippines. A couple of cocks and his hole remains tight. Maybe it was because the cocks he used to penetrate it were just so big.

"I wish I could, but I can't. My mom called me hours ago, even though our flight won't be until this evening. You know how impatient Filipino mothers are?" Devin let go of Gerald's balls and smelled it. He had grown used to his own aroma, but being in another person's body erases all that. The smell filled his lungs and enthralled his shorter cock to life. Even with an erection, he picked up his baggage and set off for the airport.

Gerald was left alone in the mansion. He had tasks but was still free to do anything he wanted per the contract. This week will surely be fun.

<<End of Chapter 1 of 8>>

•·················•·················• Subscribers on Discord can read the rest of the chapters on the links below;

✅ SUNDAY - Transaction

🔒🔞 MONDAY - Gym Livestream

🔒🔞 TUESDAY - Gym with Andrew

🔒🔞 WEDNESDAY - Personal Leisure

🔒🔞 THURSDAY - Fashion Photoshoot

🔒🔞 FRIDAY - Gym Livestream

🔒🔞 SATURDAY - Party

🔒🔞 SUNDAY - Fun's End

•·················•·················• Join my Discord Server and read 130+ SFW and NSFW shorts and stories! Join now by clicking here! Paid subscribers could also read my stories on Blogspot. Read them by clicking here.

#Body Swap #Male Body Swap #Body Switch #Male Body Switch #Body Switching #Male Body Switching #Male Swap

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allnightlongzine · 9 months

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Finding Love in Mall Goth Purgatory

"I will ride for My Chemical Romance to the grave, because, from 2002 to 2012, they rode for both you and me."

Horror Movie Marathon | September 26, 2018 | talkhouse.com

On October 16, 2005, my sister and I put on our eyeliner, slid into our mall-goth armor, and drove an hour north to Hartford, Connecticut to see My Chemical Romance for what would be our first time of many. It was still a year before their magnum opus, The Black Parade, was to be released. When the lights came down and the show began, a spotlight emerged at the center of the stage, illuminating only a microphone stand ornamented with a bouquet of dead roses. Gerard Way, the band’s flamboyantly morbid ringleader, stepped out of the stage’s dark abyss looking like a corpse priest, adorned in heavy white makeup and full-on church robes. The band opened with “Interlude,” going right into “Thank You For The Venom.” If you’re an MCR fan, you know how fucking sick of an opener this is. My life changed forever after this concert.

Do you have any idea how satisfying it feels to look a DIY-hipster-judge in the eyes and tell them, in all honesty, that in 2018 your favorite band is still My Chemical Romance? You can learn a lot about someone by their reaction to such an admission. Perhaps such a statement makes me an obnoxious judge in my own right, but the truth is, I will ride for MCR to the grave, because, from 2002 to 2012, they rode for both you and me.

MCR, in all their macabre glory, were unwaveringly dedicated to an ethos of inclusivity and honesty, love and compassion, death and rebirth—the kind of virtuosity that was frowned upon in the popular music of 2005, yet now celebrated in 2018. They flew their freak flag high and encouraged others to do the same, all at a time when that breed of non-judgmental sincerity was viewed as sin by every taste-making music critic in an Animal Collective t-shirt. Now, in 2018, I find myself a 26-year-old musician who has been deeply influenced by their music and message, getting into one intoxicated conversation after another, hoping to spread the gothic gospel of MCR to the remaining non-believers.

When MCR played live, their dedication to the audience was palpable. Like an explosion of wicked cats jumping out of a witch’s cauldron, each band member would erupt with raw energy to give an over-the-top performance of catchy goth punk songs. I believe one of the reasons MCR has retained such a loyal and dedicated fan base is because their wildly emotional performances never felt like a façade; they were keenly aware that it was a privilege to be on stage, and this cognizance of respect manifested itself through the messages of love encoded in their songs and live performances.

This respect for their audience was also evident in Way’s interviews and onstage monologues regarding mental health, accepting other people for who they are, and the hypocrisies of masculinity. Throughout the press surrounding both their major label debut Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge and The Black Parade, Way candidly discussed his struggles with depression and addiction, and his hope that their music could help save other people’s lives as it did his. MCR were always vocal that they wanted their music to save people, which admittedly sounds cheesy at first, but it’s a pretty admirable statement when you know that the majority of the band’s fan base were depressed kids experiencing the world from suburban mall goth purgatory.

The band has earned such respect from their diehard fans that even they don’t want a reunion, unless the band feels that it’s right. As seen in the article recently published by Noisey about MCR’s still very active fan base, some even go so far to say that the band reuniting would be antithetical to their message of death and rebirth, and the positivity of change therein. Literally, how many international superstar bands have fans that are this aware and respectful of the complex relationship band members can have to their music and the message it projects? Most fans of world famous rock bands will sound off in the YouTube comments section with blustery statements of aggravation and entitlement, demanding a reunion show or a new album. But MCR fans? They prefer the band stay broken up because they want to respect the band as much as the band respected them.

Very few of MCR’s peers from the mid-‘00s gave or earned the kind of respect from their fans that MCR did. Rather, many bands that tried to align with MCR’s message and image were essentially selling counterfeit emotion in the form of trendy Hot Topic t-shirt designs, insincere stage antics, and utterly benign, and frequently misogynistic, pop music. In 2018, it is sheer fact that many of those bands were full of shit and exploited the vulnerability that their scene implied to enact gross and predatory behavior.

This is one reason why taste-making machines like Pitchfork and BrooklynVegan were justified in ignoring and condescending the mid-’00s emo cesspool as it germinated throughout malls and low-capacity venues across the country. However, that’s not to say the overly-abstracted, pseudo-intellectual ramblings of mid-’00s Pitchfork hype bands weren’t totally absurd and problematic in their own right. Both music scenes postured a kind of moral code through songs, images, and fashion that signified a certain perspective towards culture and its problems at the moment. But, the reality is that bands from both scenes hardly ever posited their morals or virtues unless the sign of the times directly requested it from them.

This was not the case for MCR. They were just a band of five dudes from New Jersey, but they vehemently promoted equal rights on- and off-stage. Their pop-gothic world of vampires and ghosts, octave slides, and tri-tonal harmony always served a greater message at hand. Their comic book and horror movie-influenced narratives always represented a power in owning the trauma of the past and moving forward towards hope. In being themselves and helping others be themselves, MCR transcended both the hip arena of art-rock coolness and the sewage of Warped Tour residue, flying high in the black sky as one of the greatest rock bands of our time.

Now, it’s 2018. The lot of mid-‘00s hipsters and scenesters has mostly evaporated and come back as other representations. Most of the members of MCR are parents and focus on their own projects: Gerard Way is about to launch a Netflix show based on his comic book series The Umbrella Academy; Mikey Way has been performing as a voice actor; Frank Iero has a punk band that records and tours; and Ray Toro is helping other musicians shred to hell and back as a producer and engineer in his New Jersey studio.

For me, and many fans like me, I am no longer just a fawning teen, but a 26-year-old musician. I use the passion, conviction, and love I learned from MCR as fuel for my own project, Horror Movie Marathon. Very few of the people I collaborate with or know are big fans of My Chemical Romance. Sometimes, people will tell me one of my songs reminds them of this pop group or that folk artist, which is usually very accurate—I essentially make pop-folk music. My admission of MCR’s influence on my music will either be met with a resounding “Hell yeah, ‘Helena’ is tight,” or a recoil and a facial expression that says, “I wish I didn’t just give you the honor of comparing your music to Jon Brion.”

I can’t hide my love for the band, and why would I? Their songs meditate on the horrific beauty of tragedy, and in the tradition of true tragic storytelling, there’s always a viscerally moving message gleaming through the metaphoric language. MCR worked their asses off to make those messages as potent as possible; it was an energy you could hear in their songs and see in their live performances. Through all the morbid metaphors, spooky stories, and dazzling stylizations was an indestructible foundation of love and gratitude for the life-saving spirit of music. Even though the externalities of my music don’t resemble MCR’s very much, their message of love and respect will forever influence the core of what I create.

#personal #2000s #talkhouse #outside

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vampirechatroom · 2 years

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wait, i knew that gerard had an alcohol problem during warped tour from life on the murder scene but mikey did too?

yeah, he's been pretty open about having struggled with addiction. in 2014 he went to rehab and posted an open letter expressing that he'd been self-medicating with drugs and alcohol for like half of his life and that when mcr broke up he started self-isolating and using more heavily. he also implies that he overdosed prior to entering rehab. not to be weird, but as a fellow recovering addict when i look at old photos of the band mikey's suffering is pretty visible. he seems like a shy, anxious kid who was not prepared to be skyrocketed to fame and it's not surprising at all that he needed substances to get on stage and play. also, like, addiction def has a genetic component so. there's that. anyway, i am very glad that mikey is alive and seems to be doing really well. i hope that he gets the support he needs while on this tour <3

#sweet mikey #i feel for him so much #anyway sorry i've been like way bros addiction blogging today???#mcr #asks

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anystalker707 · 3 years

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More, please

Pairing: Mikey x [afab] Reader Word count: ~ 6 100 Genre: Smut / Fluff Summary: Mikey has been sleeping around with everyone, but simply gets addicted to (y/n) after a night with them. Kind of content: Humiliation / Praising / Degradation / Dirty talk / P*gging / Fingering / Toys

Requested by @lubbockshusband

Summer tours hit different. Even if some of the concerts happen during the day, most of our active hours are when the sun is already low in the horizon, giving it all more of a dreamy vibe, like when we’re playing some made-up kicking game at 1am in a parking lot or having late night talks. In general, the whole thing is good, even if tiring.

A sigh escapes my lips as I sip on my coffee, leaning back against the foldable chair which I set out here on the parking lot a few hours ago not only so I can get any entertainment that doesn’t come from a minuscule screen or magazines I find around the bus, but also to breathe in some pure air. Nothing that smells like mold, cigarettes, alcohol, and sweat. Yes, the bus is good, the bus is comfortable, but it goes through hell sometimes and survives to tell the tale. That’s why I think twice when the chill breeze hitting me almost convinces me to go back inside and decide to stick to watching the others. It’s mostly amusing since I know none of them properly; Brian just told me there was a band needing a stage manager and I immediately accepted.

Gerard walks around with a few other people, probably heading to find anything open at this time – it takes everything in me not to walk over there to fix his clothes myself –, while Ray talks with Brian, and I could swear Frank was here until some time ago. Maybe with Mikey like last week? I swear I see Mikey leaving someone’s bus or room half-naked more times than I would like. Sometimes his back is all covered in scratches and it doesn’t feel like something I am supposed to see. Thankfully, Mikey is fully dressed now.

It’s almost a miracle seeing Mikey’s hair in place anytime other than for an interview and photoshoots, not sticking into all directions. He stands there for a moment, watching Gerard in the distance before he observes Ray for a moment, but it’s only when his eyes land on me that the corners of his lips curl up into a small smile. Should I be afraid?

“Hi, (y/n)!” Mikey rests his hands on his hips, standing in that awkward way of his in which any attempt to look cool is ruined by the rather cute way his knees bend inwards.

“Hi, Mikeyway.” A grin tugs on my lips helplessly. The coffee cup is set down by my feet. If Mikey’s trying to be subtle, he’s fucking failing at this, miserably. “You good?” I cross my arms, taking a good look at him. He’s not as pale as Gerard, but still looks like a vampire and the parking lot’s bright white lights manage to intensify it.

“Yeah, but I was thinking we could hang out or something!”

“Oh, of course,” I hum in agreement. It’s gonna be fun.

“So, in the bus,” he says, but it sounds more like a question as he waits for me to stand up before he’s following me into the bus, welcomed by the pleasingly warm atmosphere. And what’s Mikey gonna do, though? Is it exactly what I’m thinking about or maybe not? He’s stepping close before I can formulate the right question, looking from my eyes to my lips in a silent ask I don’t refuse, pulling him closer by a hand on the back of his neck while he holds onto my hips to close the space between us. His hips grind against my thigh, compelling him to moan when I bring my thigh up lightly.

Mikey’s lips are warm and soft, also well skilled as they swiftly follow the rhythm I impose until he hums quietly with how my teeth sink into his bottom lip lightly and despite his attempts to advance, I clutch on his shirt to push him until his back hits the bathroom’s door, compelling him to gasp, which is only a gap for the kiss to deepen once I manage to slip my tongue in his mouth – his fingers twitch around my hips at the same time his breath is caught in his throat.

“Your bunk or mine?” he breathes against my lips, observing me from half-lidded eyes behind steamed up glasses.

“Yours.” I brush my lips against his and let go of him with a quick peck.

Mikey’s bunk is rather messy – you’d think the most organized one would be his or Ray’s and not Frank’s, judging superficially –, but has enough space – unlike Gerard’s – for us to climb in, pulling the curtain closed after us. Just in case.

A quiet curse escapes Mikey’s lips between kisses pressed against mine until all there is are hums muffled into the kiss, which grows messy with a new urgency, but I still refuse to let him over me. It takes a bit of struggle, but I’m finally able to spoon him, pressing kisses to the back of his neck with my arms around his waist, eventually tugging on his skin with my teeth and focus on a spot under his ear that has the little hums escaping his lips easier.

“Y’know,” I whisper into his ear – his back pushes against my chest with how he squirms, even more when I let a hand trail down almost between his legs. “I’d do you so well, but I’m afraid we don’t really have the space for it right now, baby,” I say softly into his ear and easily undo the button of his jeans, which snatches a hiss at how the jeans run down his clothed cock, never uncovering it, but coming down his ass. “But I’m not gonna leave you all needy either.”

“(Y/n),” Mikey groans, looking down at my hand before he pulls his glasses off, which’s a lot more comfortable than having the metal frame digging into our faces. “What you gonna do? Fuck, I–”

“Shh, you’ll figure out soon.” I press a kiss to the spot on his neck and pull away, searching under the pillow. Knowing Mikey, he will… Yes, there’s the lube. I squirt some of it on three of my fingers and before he can protest again, whatever complaint is replaced by a gasp once my fingers press to his entrance. “Now, why don’t you pull one of your legs up lightly to make it easier for me?” I nuzzle the back of his neck, chest pressed to his back so he’ll half-lie down on his stomach while the leg opposite to my side goes up and he’s tensing up at how a finger threatens to slip in. “You okay?” He grunts. “Use your words, Mikey.”

“Y-Yeah, (y/n), please,” he breathes. Half of his face is pressed into the pillow and the other half partly covered by messy hair strands, but the redness taking over it is still seen; he presses his eyes shut, almost nuzzling into the pillow.

“Good boy,” I mumble, finally letting my finger slip in and immediately snatch a breathy moan from Mikey, followed by light hitches of his breath until a second finger makes him almost whine. “Aw, Mikey, look at you…” It’s such a sight. Never would I think Mikey is that submissive and whiny – of course, sometimes I do see him leaning and grinding against someone as if asking for their attention, but this is simply a whole different thing. His hand closes around the sheets at the moment my fingers brush against his prostate, having more and more moans to escape his lips with it; he shifts around a little, in what I presume to be squirming at first, but I’m quickly pulling my fingers out of him to swat his hand away. “No, you’re not touching yourself!”

“Please,” Mikey whines, arching his back.

“Aw, are you really going to object?” I sigh, bringing my hand back behind him only to trace his entrance. “Then I might as well also stop, right? Since you’re not going to be a good boy.”

“No, no, don’t,” he cries softly, somehow the hottest thing.

“Well, then you’re going to cum without having your cock touched like the good boy you are,” I say softly and two of my fingers slip past the tight ring of muscles again to easily find his prostate; he gasps, arching his back. “And don’t you dare cumming before I tell you to.” He groans, compelling a grin to helplessly tug on my lips. “Are you my good boy, Mikey?” I press down against his prostate, scissoring my fingers around. “Hm? Answer me, baby.”

Mikey whines softly, squirming against my touch hopelessly. “Y-Yes, I am,” he chokes out, voice tight and whiny in a way I never heard before. “I-I’m your good boy, fuck– Don’t stop–” He moans, long and needy.

“Why, Mikey? What’d you do if I stopped now?” My touch gains pressure with the movement, reaching his prostate with every push – he gasps each time it happens, gripping onto the sheets as he squirms into the touch. “Whine and cry? Fucking beg for more or start hopelessly humping against the mattress?” I let my fingers linger around his entrance, almost pulling out, and his thighs tremble a little with how he tenses up.

Mikey’s heavy breathing and quiet whines in failed attempts to talk sound muffled in the small space, but it’s all there is, not in an uncomfortable way, of course, almost making me regret not taking things another way.

“Y-Yeah,” Mikey swallows. “I-I– You can’t stop! I’m–”

“Are you always this pathetic?” I resume my motions, pressing kisses to Mikey’s neck between the words. “Because I didn’t think you’d break this easily or even break like this at all.”

“I’m not,” he groans, the small attempt to put up a fight melting away within seconds.

“How adorable,” I chuckle against his neck. “All of this, just for me.” And he’s only able to moan in response, shaky and breathy after I start to nibble down on his neck until his moans grow a little too whiny and his breath is shallow and labored, matching with his messy squirming. “You gonna cum, Mikey, baby? You close?”

“Yeah!” Mikey gasps, back pushing against my chest. “Fuck, r-right there.” He moans after a particular motion which I make sure to continue with while letting a few marks behind along Mikey’s neck; pride swells in my chest at the sight of them, but I avert my attention back to Mikey himself at how his squirming grows more helpless, hips moving messily at how he grinds against the mattress.

“Cum, Mikey, do it,” I mutter into his ear. “Cum for me, baby.” And it doesn’t take him anything else. The higher-pitched whine easily escapes his lips while his thighs tremble and his knuckles turn white around the sheets, sounds eventually reduced to small hums whenever his breath hitches as he slowly comes down from his high. Eventually, the trembles are reduced to twitches at the same time the throbbing around my fingers grows sparse.

“Oh my,” I mumble, pulling my fingers away to clean them away on a random shirt and proceed to pull Mikey to his side a little, enough to see the mess in his boxers, which have wet spots over them. “What a good boy you are!” I grin effortlessly, tugging his jeans and boxers down until he can kick them away himself, so I proceed to clean him with the shirt and pull a blanket over him. “So? Was that good?” I wrap my arms around his waist to hug him from behind.

Mikey hums with a nod, so I smile and press a kiss to his cheek. “Yeah,” he breathes, “best thing in a while.”

“That was really hot, y’know? All your little whines. Damn, I really wish I could’ve done more to you.” A sigh escapes my nose at the thought of how easily Mikey crumbled down. I chuckle. “Imagine what I could do to you in a proper bedroom.”

Mikey clicks his tongue, a hand messily swatting me away. Or trying to, at least. “Fuck off, will you? Let’s just cuddle. ‘M tired.”

I chuckle again, though just relax this time, and rest my head between Mikey’s shoulders, shifting around until finding a good position. “Good night.”

Sometimes ignoring past events feels worse than it should. It shouldn't feel wrong at all, I mean. Hookups are just hookups, and kissing that one friend at a party or random occasion is just another memory you two share together. Not relevant, even more if you’re not that close to said person. Even so, this feeling that I should do something more still lingers behind every time I come across Mikey, which is agonizing because I don’t want to lead things further in the wrong way, but sometimes I just feel like asking him about the night before yesterday in front of everyone and watch him crumble down again.

Maybe I’m staring. Mikey bares his teeth in a grin, laughing about whatever he’s talking about the other people from the staff at the moment his eyes meet mine across the stage. Perhaps a coincidence.

“You need a new pedal,” I tell Frank. Let’s redirect these thoughts – anything but Mikey before it gives me a headache. I connect the guitar cable to the pedal then connect the amp’s to it. Some of the pedal’s paint is already fading away and showing the silver paint underneath the black and red tones while the once rough texture of the foot pieces are now smooth.

“I plan on getting a new one soon,” he mumbles, glancing over to check the distortion levels. “Just need a little more money and that’s it, I’ve been keeping an eye on one for a while now.”

“Well, I can always help you guys fix some things,” I sigh, standing up. “I know some people ‘cause I’m always working for whatever band needs me, so I could fix a few things for you for a lower price, anyways.”

“You don’t need to.” Frank presses his lips together.

“C’mon, I want to help. You guys are awesome, I love your work, I love you guys.” I wrap an arm around his shoulders to pull him for a hug and he hums, hiding a smile as I press a kiss to his head. “One of the nicer bands, actually. Some of them treat me as if I’m obligated to work for them or whatever.” I shake my head at the thought. Stupid. Time to check Ray’s pedal, though!

“Yeah, some of them are straight up assholes,” he groans, following me.

The guys are playing a couple of concerts in this city, meaning about three days here, which also means hotel nights. Fucking finally. As much as I like tagging along on tours, some of the things I miss the most are a bedroom and a bathroom, preferably not two per two feet wide. That’s why I try to put everything away as quickly as possible so I can get my things and go to my room at the hotel already, which doesn’t happen quite easily. Not with how Mikey stays behind, at first just standing around until he finally gathers enough courage to approach me. I try not to look at him too much as he walks over, not to scare him away.

“Hi,” Mikey hums, observing me roll the cables to put them away. He shifts his weight from leg to leg and only continues after I throw a glance at him. “You almost finished?”

“Yeah.” I nod. “Just gotta put these away.”

“Cool.” He smiles. “Maybe we can go to your room, then?”

I furrow my eyebrows and look at him up and down. Is he okay?

“Since when are you pulling two-night stands, Mikey Way?” I make sure all of the cables are there before heading to put the cables away, followed by Mikey.

“Why, can’t I?” Mikey rolls his eyes – I need to pause to take a fucking look at that stupid face of his and there’s the chuckle, suppressed into a pressed-lips smirk. His eyes drift downwards. “Okay, sorry, but– Damn, can we just… Like, you mentioned, like…”

“Oh,” I chuckle, raising my eyebrows. “What did I mention, Mikey? Can you refresh my memory?” A bright red tone takes over his cheeks and he tilts his head, scratching the back of his neck. Whatever he mumbles, is inaudible under the sound of the cars going down the street by the parking lot. “Sorry, baby, I couldn’t hear anything. Bother speaking a little louder?” And the way he exhales, placing his hands on his hips while eyeing his feet as if they were the most interesting thing in the world, is just fascinating.

“When you mentioned having the proper space, a proper bedroom…” He looks up this time, at the starry sky. “And how you’d do me so well, so… I thought we could enjoy the hotel night, y’know? No one will ever notice if I’m gone to your room or anything, if you care about it, like…” He shrugs, shaking his head lightly.

I hold back a snort and slowly nod instead, crossing my arms over my chest. “I’ll get my things.”

There’s something fun about how Mikey follows me around, the way his steps are hesitant and he probably opens and closes his mouth repeatedly three or four times in attempts to say something, instead covering it with a cough. His bag is ready – he fixed his things before the concert along with the others, but continues lingering around his things and taking glances at me all the way from his bunk.

“Let’s go.” I walk past him, almost physically feeling the relief that washes over him – Brian is walking back into the bus at the moment we are leaving.

With a quick stop at the hotel’s reception, Mikey and I are quickly climbing up the stairs because Helena is on top of many charts right now, but they only have the bus due to their van having caught fire sometime ago. There’s still a miserable feeling filling the room whenever the subject comes up. I still have to hold myself back from chuckling, though.

“Finally.” A sigh escapes my lips as I close the door behind us, and let my things down on the ground and my shoes plus socks by the door.

“Finally gonna fuck me? Were you excited?” Mikey chuckles, that same smile from when he approached me the first time, but now evolved into something else. His eyes follow every movement of mine despite sometimes having to avert down to check what his hands are doing with his boot’s straps.

“...A proper room. Finally a proper room with a proper bed and a proper shower.” I raise my eyebrows, prompting – the corners of his lips curl downwards a little, bottom lip sticking out.

“You’re no fun.”

“I’m not supposed to be.” I start walking in Mikey's direction, compelling him to tense up for a moment, just to eventually let out a sigh with how I walk the other way at the last moment. “Make yourself home.”

Some soda surprisingly sits in the mini-fridge along with bottles of water and I don’t find myself worrying whether I’ll need to pay three times the price of the same thing in the convenience store as I grab one of the bottles, downing a third of it before lowering the bottle. Mikey stares at me, biting down on his lip.

“What, hun? What’s in your mind?” I arch an eyebrow, screwing the cap back and set the bottle on the nearby small table.

A shaky breath escapes his nose and Mikey already has his shirt off when he kneels on the bed and sits back between his legs. “I– Please, (y/n)- Won’t you, like, fuck me?”

“Hm? Me?” I chuckle. “Do you deserve it?”

“Yeah! Of course!”

“Try again,” I breathe – a red tone spreads across his face, his Addam’s apple bobbing up and down with an audible swallow. “Y’know, baby…” I pull a chair closer and throw one of my legs over it to sit down, resting my forearms over the top of the backrest. “You have been shooting at me some… peculiar gazes these past days. Have you been trying to tempt me, Mikey?”

Mikey groans, rolling his shoulders back. “N-No, I didn’t mean to! I just– I didn’t know how to approach you, I– Fuck.”

“Pathetic, aren’t you?” I shake my head to myself, feeling a smile forming on my face, that I need to stop by biting down on my bottom lip. “I was fucking fingering you until you whined a couple of days ago, and you didn’t know how to approach me?” I roll my eyes with a soft scoff. “At least work more for it this time, hm?”

“You want me to beg?”

“Don’t you?”

A throaty sound comes from Mikey as he shifts, adjusting his glasses with a tap on the middle of the frame. His tight black and low-waisted jeans have already started to grow tight. For how long has he been wanting this?

“Fuck, I really need this, (y/n)!”

“Why?”

“I even refused a hookup last night, I just couldn’t stop thinking about how easily you…” He hums weakly, shrugging. “Y’know.”

“I what?” I grin, feeling the arousal start to pool down in my lower stomach with how he shifts around, hips seeking for something, for the friction they never find. “Is it about how easy you crumbled down? How easily I made you start whining? Cum without being touched? Hm? Tell me, Mikey.”

The wave of sulkiness that crosses Mikey’s face is washed down in a matter of seconds, his skin rising in little bumps due to a shiver. “Please? I need you to fuck me so bad, like– Really bad, (y/n), please!” And watching how he starts to undo his belt, bottom lip hanging so shaky breathes can go past his lips, is simply enough to have me standing up and bringing my backpack closer to the bed before I can climb over Mikey because after all, I didn’t come unprepared. His back hits the mattress with a muffled sound accompanied by a gasp.

“You sound so hopeless, y’know? So hot,” I breathe into his ear, swatting his hands away from his belt before running my hands up his torso, palms firm against the warm skin; he arches his back with a hum, adjusting his feet so they’re flat against the mattress. “I should’ve asked you to do that before. Also, black is your safeword, understood?” He nods. “Repeat it.”

“Black,” he mumbles.

“Good boy.”

Nothing but an audible swallow comes from Mikey as I carefully remove his glasses to leave them on the bedside table, proceeding to press kisses from his neck and down his chest. Despite the middle of his chest gaining attention, his nipples harden. I glance up at him – as if he could read my fucking thoughts or something – and pinch one of his nipples, surprised with how he actually leans into the touch, so I don’t hesitate to roll it between my fingers and run my tongue across the opposite nub, which makes an actual moan escape his lips this time, followed by a louder sound once I sink my teeth lightly into the skin.

“Sensitive here, I see, hm?” A smile tugs on my lips as I bring myself to sit up, between his legs, and undo his belt and soon remove his pants along with his underwear. Mikey has his bottom lip between his teeth, helping me get rid of the rest of his clothes. The sight of him without any of his clothes needs a moment to be appreciated, which I don’t hesitate in taking, resting my hands on his thighs.

The red tone over Mikey’s cheeks burn brighter, and he hums quietly, questioningly.

“I bet you’re not that quiet when it’s Ray railing you or something, are you?” I grin with a chuckle, taking my shirt off and meet the same embarrassed face, now glaring at me indignantly. “You were quieter than usual after that night you left Ray’s room, y’know? I remember how you were sitting quiet, seeming tired all day long. Doesn’t seem like you were as shy as you are now.”

“It wasn’t even that bad,” Mikey grumbles, but does nothing other than watch me get rid of my pants and then my underwear.

“Of course, Mikey,” I chuckle lazily, taking the lube from my backpack. “Such a sweet and quiet boy, I bet you’re not even into these sort of things that leave you full of marks later, which you can look at and remember how bad you are. Also don’t like being tied up or reduced to the cute little slut you totally aren’t.”

Mikey’s eyes follow me slowly and his reaction doesn’t really change – the only thing that signs how much he enjoys it is the way his cock twitches during the last words.

“What a shame, baby,” I sigh, pouring some of the liquid over my hand. “I had so much in mind for you.”

A throaty sound comes from him as I wrap my hand around his dick, the wet sounds easily filling the room along with his out of pace breathing and moans, which continue despite how I trail my hand down until reaching his entrance and tracing his hole – it clenches around the nothing, but I still manage to get a finger through the ring of muscles and snatch a moan from him.

“Y’know,” I mumble, “to fuck you against the mattress like you deserve. As a punishment for how you’ve been shooting me these looks these days. Almost drove me mad, so you better be proud of it.” A second finger slips in, interrupting with a moan whatever Mikey had to say. “But I think you wouldn’t like me to do it, would you? You haven’t really said much about it. You said you want me to fuck you good, but how good is it? How do I know if I’m not hurting you, pretty boy? You won’t even crack a word about it.”

When Mikey is about to say something, I press around for his prostate, successfully finding it and compelling him to only moan. Because it’s funny. He gets annoyed and it’s adorable.

“Fuck, no, I–” He moans shakily when I take a hold of his cock with my free hand. “Please, don’t, I-I can handle whatever, please just fuck me h-hard and–” He whines.

“You said you deserved to be fucked…” My thumb traces his tip and I watch it smearing the precum around before resuming it’s previous pumping motions. “You actually deserve to be punished, don’t you think? Fucking beg for it, Mikey, I know you can do better than that.”

Third finger. Louder moan, a whiny one. I make sure to tighten my hand around him.

“(Y–(Y/n), p-please, I-I–”

“You what, Mikey?”

He tugs at the sheets, knuckles going white as he arches his back, groaning. “Just fuck me please, please,” he mumbles repeatedly, breathy and almost incoherent. “I need it, hard and– and good!”

“What do you say about the looks?” I grin, feeling proud swell in my chest, but different this time.

Mikey’s thighs tremble a little and he pushes his hips into my hands, messily lowering his hips on my fingers and pushing them up into my fist. “S-Sorry…?”

“Now, that’s a good boy!” And I was about to say something else, something that simply disappears from my mind at how Mikey is fucking coming already, knuckles white around the sheets in contrast to his red cheeks while his thighs tremble. It’s long, resumed to broken moans and clumsy movements since he doesn’t stop until he’s whining and with his legs trembling. “Fucking dirty. I hope you can handle more because I’m not done.”

Mikey mumbles incoherently under his breath, nothing I care much about while cleaning my hands so I can grab the strap-on, more lube and a vibrator. The vibrator is the first one to go, its buzzing sound muffled at the moment I’m slipping it inside myself, easily snatching from me moans I’m not able to contain, only growing louder with how I coat my fingers with wetness to rub them across my clit, playing with it while I get used to the toy inside me and the nice burning slowly gives space to the pleasure, even more with the continuous vibration sending the pleasing feeling ringing up my spine. Only a moan coming from Mikey catches compels me to look up and the bastard is up on his elbows, watching me.

“Like it, Mikey?” I pause, rolling my bottom lip between my teeth for a moment. “‘Just came and continues moaning, you never get enough, do you, hun?”

“Maybe,” he sighs.

Now, the harness and more lube.

“Should I…?” Mikey makes a vague turning over motion.

“No.” I kneel down between his legs, hands hooked under his knees to pull his thighs up and he drops to the mattress with a startled sound. “Wanna see your pretty face when you come, Mikey, baby. I wasn’t expecting you to do it this time, so I don’t really think it counts.”

He doesn’t have the energy to argue, of course, but it’s still worth it seeing his attempt to.

“Ready?” My thumbs rub circles into his thigh then sinking down into the skin after he nods. His dick rests against his stomach half hard, but slowly becomes completely hard again once the strap’s dildo is inside him to the base and slowly moving because he doesn’t need time to adjust to it, already squirming his hips before anything can happen for real. He whines softly, bringing his hands above himself to grip at the pillows this time as his body gently rocks with the movement of my hips and I helplessly moan feeling the toy moving inside me, perfectly paired with the inside of the strap-on rubbing against my clit.

“So pathetic, Mikey,” I breathe, feeling the urge to say something – anything that has Mikey crumbling down more and more, which is not necessarily difficult. “Came to me to fucking ask to be fucked. Did you jerk off to how good I fingered you that day?” He whines. “Answer!”

“Y-Yeah,” Mikey gasps, arching his back, changing the angle in a way he moans louder, dick twitching; I wrap his legs around my waist to take a hold of his waist, holding him in place while fucking him faster. His mouth shapes in a stretched ‘o’ around the moans, sounding more breathy and higher-pitched this time.

“I bet you wouldn’t stop thinking about me if you accepted that hook-up,” I chuckle – or try to. “You’d moan my name out, wouldn’t you? Hopeless like you are.”

“‘Would,” he mumbles, throwing his head back.

The sweat that already accumulates on his skin reflects the light the lamps cast over his exposed throat then over his features when his head returns to its previous position. His choppy strands of hair glue to his face, thankfully not enough to considerably cover any of his features.

“How often did you think about it, Mikey? Enough to give you boners all day?” The last words sound tight in my throat with the moans I try to suppress, rolling my hips the way the vibrator reaches the perfect spot – I can’t help but to repeat the motion again, which apparently also reaches Mikey’s prostate just right with the way he arches his back, gripping on the sheets.

“I-I had to hide one during– during an interview,” he stutters, moaning. “A-And the bass covered m-most of them.”

“Poor Mikey, such a dirty fuck,” I hum. “Tell me how it was. What were you thinking about?”

“How… How good you fingered me.” Mikey pauses, inhaling and suppressing a moan. “And how you talked to me… And you said you could do better, so– Fuck,” he whines, throwing his head back again for a moment.

“‘Bet you’re in heaven right now, aren’t you? Looks so fucked out.”

And I take a pause, moving my hips in long and slow movements in order to avert my attention to somewhere else, to mouth at his chest and bring one of my hands to his pec. My thumb traces around his nipple, adding just the right pressure for a few moments then runs across the nub, playing with it. Any trace of annoyance coming from Mikey due to the slowing down of the movements disappears with it. He’s already sensitive from having come and was so desperate earlier, so he’s fucking melting right now. What a sight.

Mikey exhales shakily, tugging on the back of my hair until I’m forced to lift my head. For a second, I expect the safeword to escape his lips, but he instead presses them to mine, pulling me for a messy kiss. He hums against my lips with his tongue pressing down against mine and I try moving my hips and pinching his nipple, easily giving me the control over the kiss – Mikey gasps with how my teeth sink into his bottom lip.

“I hope you could see how miserable you look right now, y’know?” I mumble against his lips, pecking them a few times. “Maybe I should’ve fucked you in front of a mirror. Would you like it, Mikey?”

“A lot,” he says quietly through a moan, against my lips.

“Being the kinky fuck you are, of course you would.” I press my lips to his again, moaning against it this time as I let my hips move faster, inevitably having our teeth collide a couple of times before we can find a way to avoid it, muffling each other’s moans as the movements yet again grow fast. Both of my hands cup his chest now, softly touching and pressing down at the skin in soft gentle touches Mikey seems to enjoy, tightening his thighs around me and fingers sinking into my shoulders – he tenses up with a gasp, arching his back more.

Not breaking the kiss is hard. The moans escape my lips each time more, my breath picking up with how I can feel the release approaching in the distance, so I fuck Mikey harder, bringing a hand down to pump his cock in pace with the thrusts, and I don’t think he’s too far from releasing either.

A throaty sound comes from Mikey and he looks so good, so fucked and pleased when he’s looking at me through half-lidded eyes that are almost crossing, and lips slightly parted open.

“(Y/–(Y/n), can I–” He interrupts himself with a moan.

“Can you what, baby?” I mumble, making sure to keep the movements in a balance between hitting Mikey’s prostate and finding friction against my clit.

“Can I cum? Please, I’m– I’m so close!” Mikey’s high-pitched and weak voice goes directly to the gutter, summed up by the way he furrows his eyebrows and his mouth stretches in an ‘o’ shape again.

“You can. Do it for me, baby, go on.” I tighten my hand around him while going faster and he just fucking loses it, nails digging into my skin and leaving behind a nice burning feeling at the moment he’s coming, all over his own stomach, sticky and messy, and especially longer this time.

I don’t need much more, feeling the familiar pleasure finally run up my spine then down again, and I need to force myself to keep my eyes open to observe Mikey’s face as I fuck him through his release and it’s fucking worth it despite the sharp pain tugging on the back of my thighs and the oversensitiveness threatening to kick in by the moment he’s back to reality and panting heavily.

“Oh, wow,” I mumble, pulling away to remove the vibrator first before I can do the same to the strap-on. The toys are set aside on the bed and I leave the room with wobbly legs to come back with a warm cloth in order to clean Mikey. “You good?” I press a kiss to his cheek, being gentle as the shudders of pleasure still run down his body, making his legs twitch a little.

“Yeah, it was so, so good,” he hums, relaxing against the mattress.

“I’m glad.” I smile, making sure both of us are fine to discard the cloth and turn off the lights. So quiet. “D’you want the lamp on?”

“Oh, what? No, I need to leave already, I–”

My hand finds his before he can move properly; I give it a squeeze. “You’re not going anywhere, come here.” He squirms, but not seriously as I wrap my arms around him and press a kiss to his head, which is actually adorable.

“Do you think we… We can do it again?” Mikey’s voice is quiet, almost inaudibly cutting through the dark room.

“If you want to, I wouldn’t mind.”

#my post #requested #mikey way #mikey way x reader #fan fic #fanfiction #mcr #my chemical romance #sm*t #fluff #bandom #writing

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ifyouseekay468 · 3 years

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what do YOU personally think the teenagers (mcr) lyrics are about my friend ? like i keep thinking about them but im not sure im going somewhere

okay, ive answered this ask twice on mobile and each time my phone deleted it, so here I go, the FINAL version of this post

It's been a hot minute since I listened to teenagers so I decided to do a quick run-through of the lyrics, and while Gerard&Co were raised catholic the lyrics seem to REEK of protestant trauma, so that's what I'll be going off of, but I'm pretty sure the two denominations overlap here. The first verse is about kids in youth group, Christian GirlsTM especially, who are put there to pressure you into being "normal" into "cleaning you up with the lies in the book" (bible), although the pastor is the one giving the teaching THESE are the people who will get you to BELIEVE, who will get you to lie to yourself, who will get you to church camps that on some level utilize brainwashing techniques, and will DESTROY you with the idea that you're "Just one of them, and just need to change everything about yourself and fake your way through every last sermon to be just a part of the gang",

The part about sleeping with a gun and keeping an eye on you is about two things: one, about the idea that God can see all your thoughts, that THINKING about "sin" (ie; fantasizing about sex) is as bad as COMMITTING sin (which is fucked up entirely on its own because fantasy is SO FUCKING DIFFERENT FROM REALITY and that is a CRUCIAL aspect of sexual expression in order to safely engage in sex), AND the fact that these kids will pretend to be your friend, will prod you into doing things with them, into telling them things about yourself all the while making you feel like "part of the group" when really they're just blabbing either to religious leaders, or are ostracizing you and bullying you behind your back.

"The drugs never work"

This in my opinion points to the fact that this song is specifically about being QUEER in a christian culture. It is common for trans people to turn to drugs or psychedelics in an area that has little to no access to gender affirming care, or acceptance because they both change reality and disconnect one from the body that is causing their dysphoria. It can also help burn away the guilt, so to speak.

The methods of keeping you clean is about two things: one, about purity culture, no smoking, no drinking, no friends who drink, no sex, no porn, no masturbation, no impure thoughts. The second, is the way they're able to subtly manipulate you into hiding yourself, into lying to yourself, into forcing yourself to the point of death into being cishet. They're keeping you clean not just from the vices of addiction, but the vices of the flesh, the vice you can't escape because it's a part of you from the day youre born. On a darker note, this could also be referring to c*nversion th*rapy, given this second interpretation of the lyrics

"Ripping your head and aspirations to shreds," Is again about two things in my opinion: both the idea of "losing yourself to God's will" that usually leads one to losing their identity and getting depression and fucked up mental health, and the "shift" that happens at church when you reach a certain age. You know the kind, right? You're four years old, and church is FUN! You get to go to this big room and sing and dance on stage with all your friends! You get to play GAMES! You get to talk to the ~cool teenagers~ who are ~Just like you~ and ~think youre a "cool kid"~, you have ~best friends~ who will be with you like Jesus and the 12! but then, one day, something happens, something SHIFTS. maybe the Sunday school teacher leaves, maybe there's a new family at church, maybe the church changes buildings. Maybe none of that has to do with any of it, all you know is that now things are forever different. Church isn't fun anymore. The kids classes are repetitive, they're bribing you into memorizing bible verses with money, they DONT reward critical thinking or analysis, but they do call you smart, that's because they dont want SMART kids they want OBEDIANT ones. You have no choice but to stat going to REAL church. Suddenly, your best friends are not your best friends. Suddenly they're avoiding you. Suddenly they're lying to you. Suddenly you're too... well they don't know the word yet but "gay" for them...

"Teenagers scare the living shit out of me"

This is what youth group does to you, it isolates you from your entire generation because there are few people your age and a whole lot older than you, and everyone is so much DIFFERENT from you for some reason, but neither of you know why, not yet anyways. This makes you distance yourself from teenagers, because you can't SEE yourself as a teenager, because youre nothing like other teenagers.

"They could care less as long as someone will bleed,"

This is the martyr complex that permeates youth culture like the smell of wine, the problem? these kids love to make a show of themselves and their martyrdom, but they're unwilling to martyr themselves, so what do they do? They throw someone else to the wolves and take the glory. They ostracize and eliminate the unique in the name of preserving their faith. They convert and convert and god help anyone who doesn't want to convert.

"So darken your clothes and strike a violent pose"

This is about deconversion, how the moment you leave the church you never want to see another cross till the day you die, that you want to avoid christians of all costs because you don't want them To drag you back into the pit that devoured you. So you do anything and everything you can to make yourself repulsive to Christians, which actually coincides with your indulgence of mundane activities previously considered as "sin"

"Maybe they'll leave you alone but not me,"

There's a different between a cishet ex Christian and a queer ex christian, and that difference is that a cishet atheist is more likely to be left alone than a queer one, especially a queer one whose whole demeanor screams "Christians be gone," that shit is like... it summons christians faster than free winter jam tickets! They swarm to you frothing at the mouth with holy water waiting to either convert you or exorcise you into purity, depends on if you want them or not. Again, you don't even have to be OPENLY gay, they can TRACK this shit. it's like fucking... INSTINCT or something.

"The boys and girls in the clique, the awful names that they stick, you're never gonna fit in much kid,"

as alluded to above, this lyric is about how, even from a young age, BEFORE youth group, this toxic culture kind of develops. ESPECIALLY around christian girls. They don't have the vulgarity of slurs, but they can make up for it with slang like "tomboy" "nancyboy" "too boyish" "a sissy" "Weird" etc, youre NEVER going to fit in, because the moment that "shift", from fun games and songs to Real Church, occurs, you have a target on your back.

"But if youre troubled and hurt what you got under your shirt will make them pay for the things that they did,"

This is probably a gun. But that's a tad too boring for my taste. If you were raised protestant you KNOW that being an ex protestant, after the craziness of evangelicalism, you would not hesitate to burn down your old church. It could be a secret tattoo, top surgery scars, hell maybe even nipple clamps. Whatever it is, it's symbolic of revenge. I know that anytime I wore my labrys necklace to church I would always hide it under my shirt. I hid books and CDs under there too. Again, it's about revenge, it's about breaking free, gun or no gun, the point is getting out and getting back at them.

and thats pretty much my take on the song. Again, this is not about artist intent this is just what the lyrics reminded ME of personally (as you can see from the over biographical bullshit I wrote), I'm always open to contradicting interpretations though as I always have like 2+ interpretations of a song or book! I never really saw the song through the lens of youth group specifically but when I went over the lyrics again in retrospect it all seemed to really click (pun not intended) well! Thanks for the ask!

#anon #okay to rb #religious trauma #ex christian #religious trauma syndrome #ex baptist #ex protestat #apostate #MCR #mcr #my chem #my chemical romance #the black parade #welcome to the black parade #gerard way #ray toro #frank iero #Mikey way

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souryogurt64 · 3 years

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I love danger days too bc they really switched up their sound and like at least half of it is power pop anthems and like it’s so cool. I think all of their songs are inspirational in a way but I can play devil’s advocate and sort of see where parents were getting the self-harm thing from (“singing songs that make you slit your wrists”, dealing with suicide and death frequently in songs etc) and just how dark their first 3 albums were in general. Of course the band never wanted to glamorize that and I’m not accusing them of doing so and I’d argue those songs are very cathartic to listen to when you’re depressed and they serve that purpose.

But I think danger days was such a good send off and I loveeee the first verse in Save Yourself where he’s like “Get off the ledge and drop the knife/Not a victim of a victim's life/Because this ain't a room full of suicides/We're believers, I believe tonight” like that’s just a kick in the ass call out that sometimes you need when you’re depressed and idk. They didn’t owe anyone this Bc they were never glamorizing it in the first place, like Gerard struggled with depression and addiction and writing songs about it helped him process but I think this also shows he was in a much better place too. idk sometimes I think it’s better for kids to hear lyrics like that instead of lyrics they might misconstrue like their earlier stuff. It gets to the point where sometimes you write something with an intention and it gets twisted to mean the opposite of that, like sooooo many people misunderstood Teenagers bc Americans do not understand satire lmao, like Gerard is not calling for teenagers to shoot up their high schools. So I think having anthems like Save Yourself and SING in their catalogue that blatantly discourage self harm is so cool and necessary. Plus they slap. It’s really just a kick in the ass “yes the world sucks but you’re not gonna make it any better by moping about it, get up motherfucker and do something” and then it has a whole nerdy comic book overarching narrative and I think it’s so cool.

yeah absolutely, i think danger days is a great album. i love the comic world and i think its so fun. BTW i touched on danger days in a paper i did in college and i stumbled across a bunch of "transmissions" made by cal arts students under the guidance of the team that worked with gerard on danger days. i think they kind of got lost to time over the last decade+ because i had never heard of them. theyre really cool, some of them are really fucking scary

i think whenever you write anything authentic or about anything serious people are going to get very upset but the power pop anthems of danger days and stuff are really amazing. i remember being 13 and really sad and i was a typical suburban gen z helicopter parent kid, and my entire life i was prescribed (what i personally feel) was way too much ritalin since the day i turned 6, and later zoloft to counteract the anxiety from all the ritalin.

and i remember the first time i heard "the little children raise their open filthy palms like tiny daggers up to heaven, and all the juvie halls, and the ritalin rats, ask angels made of neon and fucking garbage, screaming out, 'what will save us?'" i got chills and it was like my eyes started glowing lmfao. i still get chills whenever i hear that line and its been like 10 years.

i think fantasy is really important when youre a kid because life is generally really awful for kids, especially in the like 7-14 range, and it was definitely super powerful to have daydream worlds and pretend to believe someone is going to rescue you until youre old enough for being a person and having your own life to actually be in reach. because if your childhood sucks and youre 12 or whatever 6 years is an eternity. thats half your entire life. obviously this goes for anything, like harry potter or percy jackson or whatever. especially since the whole concept of danger days was the band sacrificing themselves and protecting a little girl, it was tailor made for us lol

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robinrunsfiction · 4 years

Text

A Long Way Back - Part 1 of 2

Pairing: Gerard Way x Female Reader

Rating: General

Requested By: Anon

Word Count: ~7,900 total, ~3400 in part 1

Author’s Note: This request asked for current Gerard with a singer who is younger and to be honest, I started this request immediately when I got it, but I’ve been picking it up and putting it down on and off since then. I was inspired by His Smile Will Keep You Safe by @xxfanfiction-emo-trinityxx and I Know I’ll Lose by @sunsetinmyvein and while this story is nowhere near as long as their stories, I hope that you guys enjoy it regardless. I’ve also thrown together a playlist if you’re interested as well

“We are Garden of Woe and don’t you ever forget it! Thank you Milwaukee!” (YN) shouted as the band hit their final notes and the lights went out. The crowd was cheering and (YN) felt that addicting mix of adrenaline and exhaustion that she always felt after an amazing show.

“That show was sick!” Liam the guitarist raved and (YN) nodded enthusiastically as she took a swig from her water bottle on the way backstage.

“Hey guys, great show as usual,” their manager Clark grinned when they walked in the dressing room. “Can I get your attention for a second?”

(YN) looked at her bandmates, a look of confusion shared amongst them. “What’s going on?”

“I didn’t wanna tell you guys before the show and have yall be in your heads, but” he paused. “You’ve been asked to open for My Chemical Romance on their US reunion tour.”

(YN) thought she was about to either faint, puke, or die on the spot. “Clark don’t fuck with us.”

“I’m not fucking with you.”

“Oh my god, this is, oh my god,” Jake the drummer muttered, a far away look in his eyes as Rebecca the bass player just stood there with a shocked look on her face.

(YN) sunk down on the couch, legs unable to support her anymore. “I had just hoped to get tickets to one of those shows,” she said with an astonished laugh, holding her head in her hands.

“Well if you accept, you’re gonna be going to every show, getting paid to be there, and getting more exposure than you ever could dream of,” Clark replied.

“I think I speak for everyone when I say hell yes!” Liam exclaimed, the rest of the band agreeing instantly.

“Then it’s settled, I’ll get in touch with their management tomorrow morning and you better get ready because you’re about to go on a wild ride.”

To (YN) it felt like an instant and an eternity at the same time before Garden of Woe departed for the first stop of the MCR reunion tour. A lot of buzz had been building around their band since it was announced that they, along with Taking Back Sunday for the first half of the tour and Crystal Lake Cemetery for the second half, would be opening the shows.

“Are you so stoked Becs? Are you? Are you?!” Liam shouted, shaking Rebecca’s shoulders excitedly as their bus rolled down the highway.

“If you keep doing that I’m going to barf on you,” Rebecca snapped back.

Everyone’s nerves had been on edge since Clark had told them the news and arguments had been erupting about things like the setlist, or what their merch would look like, and the tension only seemed to grow the closer they got to the start of the tour. Rebecca wouldn't even return (YN)'s calls for a week over a debate about what they should be wearing on stage.

“Oh my god Liam, I say this with all the love in the world, but please shut the fuck up,” (YN) muttered.

Liam, with his endless energy, bounced across the tour bus to where (YN) was sitting and climbed onto her lap. “You! This is literally what you’ve been talking about since you were 16 years old! This is why we formed Garden of Woe, why we’ve been struggling and starving for a decade!”

“I know, but you’re never gonna see the stage if you keep bugging everyone like this,” (YN) retorted to her friend in her lap.

“What are you gonna say when you finally meet them?”

“Will we even meet them?” (YN) asked, trying to sound aloof. She had been trying not to think about actually meeting the band that she had been obsessed with and saved her life when she was a depressed teenager back in 2004. When she and Liam founded Garden of Woe, she modeled her stage presence on Gerard’s after watching hours of live performance videos. When My Chem announced they were getting back together back on Halloween 2019, (YN) cried tears of joy for hours and they did an extra encore of just MCR covers at their show that night.

“We’re gonna be on the road with them for two months, of course we are,” Jake replied.

(YN) groaned. “I can’t deal with this right now,” she grumbled, pushing Liam off her before climbing into her bunk.

A while later Clark was calling her name to come out as they had arrived at the first venue. “Alright, here is the itinerary: you guys have soundcheck at 5:30, doors are at 6:30, you’re on at 7:30. After your set, you should get to the main merch booth to sign things for the fans, but you can watch Taking Back Sunday and My Chem if you’d prefer. Then two hours after My Chem finishes, we load back in and it’s on to the next stop.”

(YN) glanced at her phone, it was just before 2 PM, which meant they had hours before their soundcheck. Hours to build up more nervous energy, to possibly run into My Chem or Taking Back Sunday, another band she’d looked up to for just as long.

The bus rolled to a stop and they grabbed the things they’d need for the show that night and headed inside. There were other big black busses already parked outside and roadies moving things around.

“This is real, this is really real. This is the biggest thing we’ve ever done and we’re really here,” Rebecca said, totally astonished as (YN) linked arms with her.

“I’m really trying not to think about it,” (YN) replied. Even from the back of the stadium they could hear the crowd already waiting out front. When they got to the door, they flashed their badges and were escorted to their dressing room.

“Do we just wait here? Can we go walk around? I wanna go check everything out,” Liam babbled excitedly.

“How much coffee did you drink today, dude?” (YN) asked, trying to keep the nerves out of her voice.

“None. Come on, let’s get out there and meet our tourmates! Who is with me? (YN), Jake, Becs?”

Rebecca rolled her eyes. “I’m gonna try to calm down and center myself and not piss off the people who are employing us.”

“I’ll go,” Jake replied.

“Yea me too, get it over with,” (YN) mumbled. She’d met so many people touring and opening for bands she looked up to that it shouldn’t make her nervous, but Gerard, Mikey, Ray and Frank were legendary. The three bandmates started to wander the halls, peeking in doors until they heard people talking.

“Is this happening? Are we about to meet them?” (YN) looked at Liam, her heart hammering.

“Come on,” he said, grabbing her elbow and leading the way. “‘Scuse me, sorry to interrupt, but we wanted to introduce ourselves. We are Garden of Woe.”

“Hey, nice to finally meet you guys, I’m Gerard,” Gerard said, getting up to shake their hands. Jake and Liam introduced themselves like normal humans, but (YN) was screaming internally.

“I’m (YN),” she squeaked, and Gerard gave her an amused smile and she was certain her brain melted. Then all the sudden she was introducing herself to Mikey, Frank, and Ray as well and it was as if she had transcended to another plane of existence. She listened as they easily made conversation with Jake and Liam, but she couldn’t put together a coherent thought to join in.

“Are you ok?” she heard someone asking. Shaking her head to pull herself out of her thoughts, she realized it was Gerard.

“Yea, yea, thanks, just kinda overwhelmed by everything that’s going on,” she admitted.

Gerard nodded. “Yea, being back in the tour life has been kinda weird. Overwhelming, like you said.”

“For sure. And I don’t wanna seem like, I dunno, a crazed fan, but I have to tell you, I’ve been listening to you guys since I was 16 when Three Cheers came out. It got me through so much and your performance style inspired me so much and how I perform and yea. Sorry to ramble, I just had to get that off my chest, I won’t bug you about it again,” (YN) said with another shake of her head as she put her hands over her face. She didn’t know why, but tears were stinging at her eyes. “So sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he replied and he reached out and rubbed her arm. “We saw you guys performing and that’s why we asked you to come out with us. You have a lot of talent.”

“Well thank you, this is literally a dream come true,” (YN) blushed. Receiving a compliment like that from Gerard Way himself was mind blowing.

“My Chem, you’re up for soundcheck,” someone with a headset called from the doorway.

“We’ll see you around,” Gerard waved as they made their way out the door. After the band was gone (YN), Jake, and Liam stood alone in the dressing room silently for a moment.

“Holy fucking hell we just met My Chemical Romance!” Liam shrieked.

“I know!” (YN) shouted in reply, throwing her arms around her friends in a celebratory hug.

"(YN). Earth to (YN)," Liam said, pulling her from her thoughts. "You ready?"

"No, not at all," she replied and Liam could see the fear in her face. It had been a long time since he had seen her that nervous before a performance.

"You got this," he said to (YN). "We all got this, come on!"

Just then the stage lights dimmed and the crowd roared like she'd never heard before. The other three took their places on stage. "Fuck it," she muttered to herself and ran out on stage.

45 minutes later Garden of Woe was taking their bow and hurrying off stage so the roadies could switch out their equipment for Taking Back Sunday’s. The four bandmates were wrapping each other in sweaty hugs and jumping up and down, as the set had gone better than they ever could have hoped. After cleaning themselves up a bit, they went to the merch booth and signed autographs and took photos for a while, but the line cleared out again once Taking Back Sunday went on. After they finished, there wasn't much time before MCR were going to take the stage, so (YN) hurried backstage and found a crate to sit on and watch while the greatest band of their generation took the stage.

The show was absolutely awe inspiring; to watch the way Ray shredded on his guitar, the way Frank and Mikey moved around the stage, but most of all watching Gerard. He was a natural on stage, even after all this time away from it. While she had watched enough interviews on youtube to know that he was soft spoken, the way he turned that off and started to just command the stage and the crowd was incredible. What she couldn’t believe was that no one else was with her watching the show. Did they not realize what an opportunity they were missing she wondered.

"Enjoying the show?" Gerard asked when they came off stage before the encore.

"So much! You're kicking so much ass out there!" She beamed and the guys all laughed in appreciation.

Once the show was over and everyone was cleaned up, the bands all came together to celebrate a little before it was time to reboard the busses. The drinks were flowing for everyone that partook as people talked happily, but (YN) found herself without a place to sit until she decided to crash on Liam's lap.

Ray smiled as he walked over to them. “Hey, how’d the first show go?”

“Amazing!” Liam grinned.

“So amazing, but you guys, holy shit!” (YN) gushed. “I suppose when you’ve played together for so long you don’t just lose that, even after a break.”

"That’s true,” Ray nodded. “How long have you been a band?”

“About ten years,” (YN) replied. “We talked about it in high school, but neither of us could play an instrument, and life was so hard back then. We couldn’t get our shit together until after he graduated from college. It's only really been in the last few years we've been able to find some success with it.”

“So are you two together?" Ray asked, looking between the pair.

"Oh nooo," (YN) laughed. "Liam's practically my brother."

"And I'm gay," Liam interjected.

"And there's that," (YN) nodded.

“Well you guys have a real dynamic that works,” Ray shrugged. The way he treated them as if they were equals to everyone else on the tour was exactly the confidence boost (YN) needed as the tour got started.

The next few days of the tour were very much the same. Rolling into town, hurry up and wait, getting to know the guys in the other bands, and then finally getting on stage. After signing for fans, (YN) would rush backstage to watch MCR perform, and after that everyone would gather again until it was time to load back into the busses to the next town.

Each day was a little less nerve-wracking than the last and (YN) finally felt like she was coming out of her shell. She’d hoped that Rebecca would be her right-hand woman, since there were so few other women out on the tour, but Rebecca had been heading straight to the busses after the shows, instead of hanging out with everyone else.

“Do you have any idea what’s up with Becs?” (YN) asked the other two members of the band after their soundcheck.

“Nope,” Jake replied quickly before heading back behind his kit again.

“Just go talk to her,” Liam suggested.

(YN) grumbled before nodding and heading back to the dressing room. “Hey Becs!” (YN) said as chipperly as she could muster. “Are you gonna hang with us after the show tonight? I miss hanging out with you, and the guys are all super fun to talk to.”

“I dunno, maybe,” she replied, but (YN) couldn’t get a read on her mood.

“What are you gonna wear tonight? I was thinking my Mikey Fuckin Way shirt that I cropped,” (YN) said turning to their wardrobe rack.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom,” Rebecca said before quickly turning and almost running out of the room. Moments later Liam came in.

“What the hell was that about?”

“I have no idea dude, I tried though, I really did.”

Despite the weirdness between Rebecca and the rest of the band, the show went well. (YN) again ducked out early from their signing to catch the MCR show from her favorite spot at the side of the stage. She couldn’t help but wonder if she was imagining things, but it seemed like whenever Gerard looked her way, he’d always smile just at her.

“Still enjoying the show?” Gerard asked when he came off stage before their encore.

“I’ve got years of not seeing you guys live to catch up on, I’m never gonna get sick of it,” she laughed.

Gerard nodded. “I caught your show tonight, you guys are really killin it.”

(YN) could have sworn her soul left her body for a moment. “R-really?”

“Yea, I really-”

“Gee, we’re back on,” Ray said tapping him on the shoulder.

(YN) waved him off as he went back on stage and the crowd roared again. She tried to keep from screaming herself, but for an entirely different reason.

At the end of the show, everyone convened as usual for the post-show celebration. (YN) was glad to find that Rebecca had joined the group, even if she was mostly just talking to Jake. She had meant to talk to her, but got pulled into a conversation with Adam instead.

“Ok, but can you teach me to swing the mic like you do and not kill someone?” (YN) asked with a laugh.

“Sure thing, how ‘bout after your sound check tomorrow?” Adam offered.

“Perfect, can’t wait!” (YN) grinned, but in the corner Rebecca was rolling her eyes.

From the other side of the room Mikey was trying to talk to Gerard, but he was noticeably distracted. Following his brother’s line of sight, realized Gerard was watching (YN)’s animated conversation with Adam. He bumped his shoulder into Gerard’s.

“You really are into (YN) aren’t you?” Mikey asked with a knowing smile and Gerard just shrugged dejectedly. “Why don’t you just ask her out or something?”

“I can’t,” Gerard replied.

“Why not?”

“Because.”

“Because why? Why? What good reason do you have?” Mikey argued.

“Because I’m older than her, because I don’t want her to feel obligated to spend time with me just because we’re on this tour together. Because I’m not… I’m not the Gerard Way I used to be.”

"What the fuck does that mean?" Mikey asked sternly.

"I know I'm not a sexy rock star anymore, I'm a divorced dad with grey in his hair and," he sighed. "You know what I mean."

"Gee, you know you're in a better place now in so many ways than you were before. Stop talking yourself out of it.”

Gerard just grumbled in response. He knew his brother was right, he was better off now than he was ten years ago, worlds better than he was even longer ago than that. But he couldn’t help but worry that (YN) wouldn’t be interested in him. At least not the current version of him.

But that didn’t change how he felt about her

The next stop on the tour was Riot Fest, but Garden of Woe would not actually be opening for My Chem and Taking Back Sunday. They had been relegated to one of the smaller side stages earlier in the day. (YN) and Liam were hanging out on the curb outside their bus in the warm, mid September Chicago air when Frank and Gerard came by.

“Hey, when are you guys on today?” Frank asked.

“At 4:30, why?” Liam answered

Frank climbed in between the two and pulled out his phone. “Gerard is always talking about how awesome your show is, so I was gonna promote you guys.”

(YN) looked up at Gerard who smiled shyly. “Well Gerard, why don’t you get in on this too then,” she smiled.

“Sure,” he nodded and sat down next to her as Liam took Frank’s phone and held it out so he could get everyone in the shot.

“Hey guys, we’re at Riot Fest, and before we play tonight, you gotta go check out our friends Garden of Woe," Frank said to the camera.

“4:30 on the Riot Stage,” (YN) added, flashing a peace sign before Liam finished recording. “Thanks guys, we really appreciate it. I don’t know how many people would be stopping by our set without the promo.”

“Well they should be, like I said before, you’re amazing,” Gerard replied as (YN) looked over at him with a soft smile. Over (YN)’s shoulder, Liam and Frank were exchanging knowing looks.

Hours later the band was waiting off stage, a few minutes before they were due to go on for their set.

“Holy shit, I didn’t expect the crowd this big,” Jake said after peaking out.

“I guess Frank’s post worked,” Liam shrugged.

“What post?” Rebecca asked.

“This one,” (YN) replied, pulling out her phone and pulling up the post she’d bookmarked. She let the video play, smiling happily at the four of them on the screen.

“Look at you all cozy with My Chem, what a surprise,” Rebecca deadpanned.

(YN) shot her a confused look and was about to open her mouth when Liam interjected.

“Ha, look at these comments,” Liam said, snatching the phone away. “People are totally shipping you and Gerard, (YN).”

“Shut up, no they aren’t,” she replied, but could feel her cheeks burning red.

“Yea they are, look!” He said pointing them out. (YN) scrolled through and couldn’t help but feel honored that people would think that she and Gerard made a cute couple. She could only imagine what it’d really be like.

“Don’t we have a show to play?” Rebecca asked snidely, snapping her from her thoughts.

“Becs is right, come on let’s get ready.” (YN) nodded, putting her phone away.

The energy of the crowd was great, and the fans that were up front were actually singing along, which brought a smile to (YN)’s face. An even bigger smile crossed her face when she glanced at the side of the stage and saw Gerard and Frank were there watching the show too.

Part 2

#gerard way x reader #gerard way fan fic #gerard way fan fiction #gerard way imagine #my chemical romance fan fic #my chemical romance fan fiction

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enderspawn · 3 years

Note

🎼 (I can’t find the correct emoji lol) exile arc tommy?

Oh boy! (opens up breakdown playlist) /hj

Montreal – Penelope Scott

Sleep with a Baseball Bat – Cosmic Johnny

Brother – Gerard Way

breakdown under cut, tw for suicidal ideation on the first song esp

1. Montreal – heehee hoohoo suicidal/depression thoughts baby!!

I mean in short this is tommy saying he wont Survive exile. The intro of the song lists when the singer would be home from college/school and that “another 90 day summers gonna take [their] fucking life” which is rlly just. Tommy not gonna live THAT long in exile.

“And I would rather die And let me make it clear It's nobody's fault But I think we all know That I won't make it to Montreal”

So the thing here is that its “nobody’s fault” bc on one hand it is that he doesn’t blame tubbo but worse he doesn’t blame DREAM. Its just meant to happen, its not bc of anybody, yknow?

“And I would rather die I'll jump before I'll fall And I'm having lots of fun But I won't make it Montreal”

Mans tried to jump to his death before he “fell” whether bc of dream or an accident, hes makin the active CHOICE to end it rather than just waiting. Even w the fun he’s having w dream, he’s miserable and he knows he wont make it to see lmanberg again

“You like to talk about the future As if it's real And when you tell me that you love me I can almost feel it”

Dream keeps promising him stuff for the future. Maybe he can visit to see the tree, maybe he can get another visit, maybe he wont be alone. But tommy doesn’t care, its all fake to him (which like, it is so good for him but fjkdlsjf)

“It's not that it's a bad plan No, the plan fucking slapped I was so excited you don't know how bad I wanted all of it The coffee shop, the weather, the apartment But I don't want anything anymore I don't know, I guess I just got bored”

Okay so. Tommy kept trying to get shit together to leave, right? He wanted to go back so bad and have this domestic life w his friends but in the end he just got so downtrodden that after his shit got blown up he was so ready to just GIVE UP.

“And I don't wanna die I don't wanna get left behind But it's better half than none I hope to god you have some fun”

He doesn’t want to be in this situation, he still CARES abt the lmanberg crew but in the end hes been told that they’re happy WIHTOUT him. He’s not angry at them, not anymore, he just wants them to be happy bc he isn’t.

2. Sleep with a Baseball Bat – tommy and dream relationship baby!!

“And every time you wake up Thinking this could be the day Well something, something just”

Every day in exile he had no real plans. He just had to exist out there alone and hope someone else came. This IS the day he can do…. Something. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t have a goal.

“And when your love is an anxiety attack Don’t settle for that, don’t settle for that And when you wake and find the claw marks in your back Sleep with a baseball bat, sleep with a baseball bat”

Hes been manipulated into thinkin dream is his friend, that dream “loves” him but it makes him miserable! Hes paranoid and stressed and falling apart!! Boy!!! Fjdsklfj

“Siena says you’re getting used But something’s broken in your head And you can’t run away when you need to”

The other ppl who visited him, like ranboo, KNEW something was happening and that he was in a bad place but tommy had been manipulated by dream so much that he couldn’t process it. No, dream couldn’t be bad, dream was his friend, right? He couldn’t leave exile, dream would be upset. Its all what DREAM wants, not tommy.

“Hey, space cadet Are you still floating round the rock That you spent so much of your life trying to get away from? And does it at least look different from up there?”

OKAY SO ONE. SPACE CADET? THAT’S CLARA BABY!! TWO: he spent ALL his time on this server fucking fighting dream, trying to “get away from” him. But now hes stuck “floating around” with him as his “friend”. The last line feels sarcastic and bitter but like. FUCK it hits, yknow??

“It might take a couple tries till you believe it But love is real, you’ll figure it out, you’ll live to see it But you still have to take a couple of falls And you can’t make an omelet without breaking your balls So batter up Is your bed made? Is your helmet on?”

HAPPY ENDING POG!! HE STARTS HEALING!!!! HE STARTS REALIZING DREAM WASN’T HIS FRIEND!!! He still “falls” and relapses into wanting dream w him but hes so much better!!! Also,,,,, “is your helmet on” w the turtle shell helmet (eyes emoji)

3. Brother – IF TECHNO AND TOMMY NOT BROTHERS WHY THIS SON—(gunshot rings out)

Okay so on a serious note this song is abt addiction and while I don’t want to take away from that Serious Topic, it Does relate but w tommy dealing w his ptsd of dream

“And brother, if you have the chance to pick me up And can I sleep on your couch To the pound of the ache and pain? Oh, in my head 'Cause I'm awake all night long To the drums of the city rain”

Hhrhnrng staying at technos place to hide from dream and get better a lil JFKDLSJK. Also “the drums of the city rain” is referenced a LOT in this song but like. It keeps him up so,,,,,, dream JFKDLSJF. Mans barely ever slept in exile so it WORKS okay jfkdlsjf

“The lights we chase The nights we steal The things that we take to make us feel this (To the drums of the city rain)”

This is him and techno livin together!! Like in the first chorus you could see lights we chase being tommy finding techno’s place, then later it’s the lights of lmanberg as they sneak in. the nights they steal is both just time spent together and also straight up the times they stole shit JFKDSLJ. “the things that we take to make us feel” is the gapples tommy always eats so that he can feel safe (also, bc in the og song this is PROBABLY abt drugs and potions are drugs in universe so. Arguably getting a potion effect from the apple means it is Also Drugs? Fjdkslfj)

“I can't go back I don't think I will I won't sleep tonight as long as I still Hear the drums of the city rain”

Go back to logstedshire or lmanberg you ask?? The answer is yes. Both. He feels like he doesn’t belong in lmanberg and logstedshire is too traumatizing for him to return at this point. As long as he “hears the drums of the city rain”, or is thinking of dream, he Cant Sleep:tm:

“Does anyone have the guts to shut me up? 'Cause I believe that every night There's a chance we can walk away So hold on tight Because I won't wait too long In the drums of the beating rain”

Okay so hear me out but. This is just tommy and dream. “I believe that every night theres a chance we can walk away” is tommy hoping desperately for dream to let him go home, to walk away from logstedshire. He never will be permitted, not really, but theres a chance that tommy clings to. He wont “wait too long” while out in exile and stuck w dream bc hes desperate and miserable (also fun fact these analysis is basically me just pmv’ing shit in my head and rambling vaguely abt it but like. Listen,,,, flashback verse jfkdsljf) ALSO. The line “does anyone have the guts to shut me up” in relation to exile!tommy is just VERY important to me. Mans was so quiet and afraid to speak up when in exile.

“'Cause the nights don't last And we leave alone Will you drive me back? Can you take me home? (To the drums of the city rain)”

Following up that last paragraph, this is still in flashback. The days end and dream leaves again, making tommy alone. He asks if he can go back, if he can see home and lmanberg and everyone. But echoing the “to the drums of the city rain” after home CAN imply that “home” has become logstedshire WITH DREAM even tho it keeps him up and aaAAAAAHHHH

I swear this ends up okay and techno + tommy focused fjkdsljf

“Faces I don't know I am tired in the glow”

He feels isolated from everyone during his exile and lashes out at those who visit, to the point he feels like they’re all more or less strangers and “faces he doesn’t know”. Being tired in the glow is, imo, him over the lava.

“Of the freezing club Keep me breathing Don't make the lights come back Can you take me home? We all need this When we leave alone”

Hhhngg okay so tommy breakdown time! Hes in techno’s house (the freezing club) and is just pleading for techno to help. Don’t let “the lights come back” (lava again maybe? He doesn’t want to be Like This?) and just wants to feel like hes at home because hes just left exile and hes Messed Up Over It

“Remember when you and I would make things up? So many nights, just take me down To the place we can hear them play I miss that sound 'Cause now we don't sing so loud To the drums of the city rain”

OKAY SO THEY MAY NOT BE CANON FAMILY BUT WILBUR REMEMBERS SPARRING W TECHNO AS A KID AND PHIL IS HIS CLOSE FRIEND SO THEY STILL KNEW EACH OTHER AS KIDS SO SHUSH FJSDKL. Tommy just wants things to go back to how they were, before everything. When things were easy and they were kids just having fun. He misses it. Before exile, before lmanberg, before dream. But it doesn’t matter, because they’re stuck in this now. With his brother dead and his closest friend being the man who killed his best friend and helped blow up his country. Again, the drums of the city rain is dream. Because of his influence, its all different.

Hhhngngngn this is too long so I wont go into the last outro bc you can interpret it a LOT of ways, esp depending on how you want to Pace this song w the exile arc. But like. The analysis is THERE if you really wanna push it/animatic it babeyyy

#dream smp #mcyt #tommyinnit #exile arc #HHHHNG IM SORRY THIS IS SO LATE JFKLDSJ #I PROMISED MYSELF ID FINISH THIS ASK GAME UP AND WOULDNT GO IN DEPTH AS MUCH THEN DID EXACTLY THAT W THREE SONGS JFKDSL #tommy #answered #song ask game #listen the last song is a LIL bit of a stretch but its my playlist i get to put in the not depressing song fjdkls #Anonymous

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springawakeninglove · 4 years

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thoughts on all the LM drama?

I try to refrain from making this blog anything but sharing and posting about Spring Awakening, the show, the music, etc.

Yet I will say, given the circumstances of everything happening right now, I have to comment and cannot stay silent. I have to say it breaks my heart everything happening in our world. I’m in full support of my friends, family, and everyone else battling racism every day. I love everyone, no matter their color, gender, lifestyle; whatever. I look inside at someone’s heart, not judging based on their skin tone. I feel for so many out there who are angered, saddened, personally affected by racism. So as a human being, it makes me sad seeing prominent people out there abusing their power and hurting other human beings.

I’ve been a Spring Awakening fan for YEARS. I saw the original cast on broadway, and have dedicated my time to learning, sharing my love for the show and it’s various casts all over the world, etc.

In saying this, I’ve known how Lea is. She has had a reputation for years about being a diva to work with long before Glee. I have never liked talking about that on here, but with the latest news, there’s no choice. Multiple cast members have agreed, responded, liked, and added their own stories to the original posts, so there’s no denying it. It makes me sad that now this is coming out in addiction to diva stories. I will not tolerate racism in people that I share on this blog.

It’s been a hard few weeks with news about her. This last night/today, but also a story Gerard Canonico shared about his experiences and time with Spring Awakening when she was around. Some original cast members commented on and added their own stories to his post, including Lauren Pritchard. I also heard she trash talked the Deaf West production when she saw it in LA in an email (and she apparently didn’t care who was able to read the emails??)..

I’ll try my best not to share too much with her in the posts, unless they have other cast members, etc., in them. I don’t like to support racists, or bad people, so I don’t know if I’ll feel comfortable in doing it.

Please feel free to message me privately if you have anything to share / talk about / questions / concerns / opinions. I listen and am open to all. My ask box on here is open, as are my DMs on twitter and instagram.

#spring awakening #lea michele #glee #asks

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sugaredge · 3 years

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I miss Frances and Isaiah, they were so cute.

i have conflicted emotions. i was never fond of him when they were together quite honestly, when the news broke they got married i knew it would end how it did, though i hoped it wouldn't. he started dating her when she was underage and he had a whole child. a one year old baby. plus he says frances was the one who proposed and being older (especially with a baby at home) he should've known better. it seemed like he got his in, plus frances was 19 when they were engaged, she was far too young to be a step mother, and after they were married she tweeted she wasnt having kids for many years as she still felt one herself. when they divorced he demanded so much in spousal support and when he didn't get that or the house he kept her dad's guitar to auction off. he caused the family hell.

it's unusual, he dyed his hair the same exact colours as kurt (bright red and light purple) and kept his hair and outfits similar to his. it's much more unsettling looking back. plus ever single tour he was on was through frances' connections (gerard way, frank iero, smashing pumpkins, the used). on his old facebook he admitted his clothes were stolen from goodwill or frances. though he was said to have surprised frances with all these wonderful gifts, it's clear he paid for them all with her trust fund, then claimed she spent too much (though she kinda did, but he also did). everything seemed opportunistic.

however i was on the eeries twitter the other day (it's still up), and isaiah tweeted on there. it's a rare glimpse into his personality, a little goofy with social commentary on misogyny and violence in media. he seemed like a well likeable guy. moreover it's clear he and frances had a lot in common in terms of music, movies, books, comics, tv shows and art. and her friends liked him (though i guess they had too, with the exception of courtney, who despite trying to have a relationship with him was always weary of him). he supported her education, art and music. and photos of them are very sweet. she was very clearly in love. but he turned very bitter with the divorce. if he truly respected her, and if he actually loved her he wouldn't have tried milking her for money. i know he has a child to support but he also has another parent to raise her with, as well as his family, ultimately his kid is his responsibility. he never needed money from her. he never needed to paint her as a crazy rich kid drug addict hoarder that he did everything he could to save. however his attempts to slander her name was shortlived as his refusal to return kurt's guitar made him the most hated guy in america, the eeries twitter was flooded with comments under every post telling him how horrible he is and to return the guitar. i dont think he could go many places without being harrassed by a nirvana fan anymore. he totally screwed himself all for money.

looking back at pics, old facebook exchanges, if you're in the moment it's very cute lovebirds sharing their life together. my old laptop died and i cannot anywhere find the pics of isaiah and frances making forts in their room to stay and read in, things like that are so cute (sometimes i do wonder who was thirdwheeling taking all these pics of them kissing, or in their house or at family gatherings together). but adding any kind of context, rationality or hindsight, it seems totally predatory to me. he didnt even wait for her to be of age he got his talons in right away. it's creepy. eerie is a fitting band name. if he was smart (and if his band was any good) he should've committed to growing his band and having a quiet divorce when frances filed, then maybe he wouldn't be so disliked.

i also often think of how different frances was with him. though she's a very goofy and affectionate person, her twitter made her seem rather misanthropic, then she had a transitional period of indulging in herself, her own interests and building a life outside of him, before dating matt and becoming much more 'wholesome', approachable and having this aura of bubbly, loving energy, she seemed so much more youthful. she's since closed her life off, disabled tagging, disabled comments, deleted social media accounts, no longer opening herself up to the world, which i do respect, though it means i have to post a lot of old content to keep this blog afloat.

isaiah being older perhaps she had to appear much more wiser, mature and standoffish, though it's partially youthful angst, there was this need to prove herself, and she isolated herself so much from everyone else. it seemed to hinder her growth. i also think being a teenager around older couples in their 30s who met their 'soulmate' and had these great romantic stories, of which frances had even tweeted about (gerard and lindsey and the al columbia comic), added to this fantasy that this guy she met at 17 was the love of her life and she had to marry him. i think her friends were good people and trusted her decisions but perhaps they should've told her to slowdown a little.

i think photos of isaiah and frances were cute, and frances gushing over someone she loved was cute. wanting to share that love with the world was cute. i think the situation and how it started and ended, wasn't. it was a naive love. and i'm sorry she has been so troubled because of it. her music seems to be about him. i wonder if those older tracks make the album or if she completely chooses to leave him in the past.

#so longwinded but i had a few messages about this and was thinking about this for a long time before this ask came in #anon #anonymous #asks #answered

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current-mcr-news · 5 years

Text

Carry The Fire Podcast with Gerard Way: Full Transcription

Welcome to Carry The Fire, a podcast where we explore the big questions of life through the lens of the good, the true, and the beautiful. I’m your host, Dustin Kensrue, and my hope is that through these conversations with people of diverse and divergent backgrounds and beliefs, we can glimpse the world anew through each other's unique perspectives.

Gerard: Fiction is something to a degree that you'll hide behind in a way, and it allows you to expose yourself… I always saw the characters that I've played as some aspect of myself turned up to 12... Overall, I considered The Black Parade to be a death fantasy… death and rock and roll were kind of intertwined… Every time you get onstage you have to be prepared to die.

Dustin: Hey everybody. It is episode five of Carry The Fire podcast. Today we are joined by Gerard Way who is the singer of the band My Chemical Romance as well as also having released some killer music on his own. He has spent the last few years though, spending most of his time writing comics, including the very popular Umbrella Academy comics which have recently been adapted into a great show on Netflix. In our conversation, we talk about creating worlds and inhabiting characters, we talk about the beauty and the difficulty of creative collaboration, the complexity of trying to incorporate time-travel into a story, and we also get into Gerard’s spirituality a bit, and I want to give a brief heads up for some of you regarding that.

Gerard is going to talk a bit about magick and witchcraft. While I’m no expert on either, I do know enough to know that these words in this context probably don’t mean what most of you think they do. Some of you might not bat an eye hearing them but a lot of you probably came up inside a worldview where someone who was interested in these things was considered very evil. Gerard is very far from that. If I can try to provide a new framework for you it would be this: Generally, modern practices of magick and witchcraft, while being diverse in form, incorporate various insights and rituals from animistic pagan and folk religion, as well as incorporating some psychological intuitions from different fields and traditions. Practitioners generally tend to be very concerned with the earth and our connection with it. While this is not my spiritual tradition or practice, I recognize that we all have things to learn from each other. I think especially the ideas in these traditions about finding our place within the natural world are a helpful corrective to a lot of the western traditions’ tendency to want to dominate over nature, rather than seeing ourselves as a part of an interconnected web of being. I had no idea we’d be talking about any of this going into this conversation, but in the spirit of this podcast, I was so excited to hear from another unique perspective on the good, the true, and the beautiful, and I hope you will be too. Let’s get into it.

Dustin: Thank you so much for doing this.

Gerard: No problem.

D: It's super good to see you.

G: You too!

D: I'm trying to think of the last time we even saw each other and I- it was probably on tour.

G: Was it on the arena tour?

D: That's what I'm thinking.

G: It's been a long time.

D: And we were playing a bunch of World of Warcraft.

G: Yeah! That's my strongest memory. I have a lot of great memories of you guys, obviously, but the one that sticks out in my head the most is when we're all playing Warcraft in this big room and you had to go onstage, and you literally had your rig hooked up, you had your in-ears, they weren't in yet, but you were wired up, and I believe you even had a guitar, and you were still playing. You went literally from the keyboard from the computer right on stage.

D: Dude, I got way too addicted to that game. It's your guys' fault.

G: It was our fault, yeah!

D: Oh dude, it was so fun. It was probably like, what? Eight or nine of us playing in a room.

G: Yeah!

D: I don't know if it was the tour after that or two, and I had started just dreaming in Warcraft, and I went onstage one day and I was onstage and I had this moment where I was like, "I'm done! I can't," because I had tried to wean a little bit and it wasn't working, so I was like, "I gotta go cold turkey."

G: Yeah.

D: And I got offstage and I gave someone the Warcraft and I said, "Don't give this back to me. I'm done. I deleted it." Yeah. Which is funny because I seriously hadn't played video games since then until I just bought my kids a Switch.

G: Okay!

D: And they're playing Zelda.

G: Zelda, yeah.

D: And I decided to treat myself.

G: Nice, nice.

D: That's why I got a Switch for the road because Zelda's the best.

G: Yeah, I play Zelda with my daughter and it's so big though. We're having a really hard time getting a handle on the game because it's so vast.

D: Yeah, it is crazy.

G: I had to quit Warcraft too. I had to go cold turkey because it was still in my life when I wanted to write The Umbrella Academy.

D: Oh.

G: And I actually had this- I was at the crossroads and I had this moment where I was like, "I can either play Warcraft or I could write this comic."

D: It's a time sink.

G: Totally.

D: That game especially.

G: Yeah.

D: The social aspect, it just ends up being enormous.

G: Yeah yeah, so that was it. I quit and never looked back.

D: So, I was gonna ask you, prompted you earlier to think about it. What was something that gave you a feeling of wonder as a kid?

G: Okay so, I have a couple really obvious-

D: Or multiple things.

G: Multiple things, yeah, I have a couple real obvious answers.

D: That's alright.

G: And I know this is such an obvious one but Star Wars was really big. It just was and I know it was for millions of people. Once I saw that, it was like the first movie my parents ever took me to see and I was really young, but the thing back then was they were running these in theaters for like three years.

D: Oh really? I don't think I realized that.

G: Yeah. So Star Wars had come out and then they just kept running it until The Empire came out. I must've been two or something and they brought me to the theater.

D: Oh wow! I think I remember, I think my first memory of going to a movie was seeing- Was Jedi '84?

G: '83, yeah. I think it was '83.

D: So I remember going to see that, standing in line with my dad.

G: Me too!

D: That's the first, I don't know, there's just those moments where you have those- I remember listening to certain records in my dad's car.

G: Yeah.

D: And he'd turn it up loud.

G: Yep. That's one of my favorite memories of my dad is him picking me up from school early and then taking me to go see Jedi.

D: Oh that's cool.

G: Yeah, we waited in big lines that wrapped around. Even back then, there were a couple people ordering pizza. That's one of my favorite memories of being with my dad.

D: That's super cool. What about Star Wars specifically created that wonder? Was it the world?

G: The world, I think. It was the world, the scope, just this world you wanted to live in, that you wish existed and there was only three movies back then, so your brain would kinda fill in the gaps like, "What is it like? What are their supermarkets like?" And your brain would kinda- and later, that would come into play when I would RPGs, which is another thing I'll bring up in a minute. There was a time where I was in college, or right before college, where we were playing a Star Wars RPG that I was running, and it's just such a rich world.

D: Like a tabletop one?

G: Tabletop, yeah. And it was a really great game and it was super epic because the one thing about it was everybody already had a sense of that world in their head.

D: Yeah, you don't have to build that already.

G: Yeah, you didn't have to build.

D: You just add onto it.

G: Yeah yeah, so they all knew the world so when you would describe something, everybody had a vivid picture in their head, and then anything you hadn't seen before, you would just describe, but people had a point of reference so they would know.

D: That's pretty cool.

G: But yeah, Star Wars was like the first one and I was just obsessed with that for my whole childhood, playing with the action figures with Mikey, and we had our own sarlacc pit which was a dirt pit, and stuff like that. And then the other thing that was really important to me were tabletop RPGs. So, I was in the 3rd grade at a new school, but I still hung out with my best friend who was still at the old school. Anyway, basically he had an older brother- his friend had an older brother in college and he was way into D&D and he would run D&D for us, and we're all 3rd graders. That was a major moment for me.

D: That's pretty cool.

G: Yeah, it was. And to have a college-aged Dungeon Master who knew the game inside out was a really amazing way to play.

D: That's pretty cool.

G: Yeah. And that really opened up a big world for me. So then I would go on to- so I never stopped playing since the 3rd grade and then I took a try at being a Dungeon Master, and even just from playing and Dungeon Mastering, I learned how to tell stories, and I was really into that. You'd learn things even about leadership if you go to become the party leader, or if you're the DM, you learn how to keep people engaged. You learn how to keep momentum, things moving.

D: That's interesting. I feel like that's something that maybe a lot of storytellers are not paying as much attention to as they used to. There's the book I brought you, it's called Invisible Ink.

G: Oh, cool!

D: This guy, Brian McDonald, who's kind of like a story guru. He consults at Pixar all the time, teaches screenwriting, he's very cool. But he grew up watching a bunch of the classic movie directors coming up in the '60s and '70s or whatever, and they all had this vision of what stories were and really paid attention to how- they thought about how the audience would react, imagined them in the theater, or whatever. And then, something he was talking about is he just feels it's dropped off, that interplay of trying to connect and let that influence how you're actually creating the story.

G: Yeah. I'm excited to read that. I'm a big fan of structure and I'm a big fan of outlines.

D: Okay.

G: Yeah.

D: You'll like this.

G: Yeah! Good! I'm a big fan of those things because the way I see it, if you know your whole story, and I always feel like you don't need to know all the details, you don't need to know all of it, but you should know kind of- you should have some kind of outline or a structure, and then you get to have fun because you do know the beats you need to hit, but all the spaces in between, you get to fill that in.

D: I think it's rare that anyone doesn't do that and does it well. Stephen King's maybe the only one that I can think of that just doesn't write that way, and somehow he just has internalized it or something, and it ends up working itself out.

G: Yeah.

D: That's cool, man. So would you say those kinds of things, these imaginary worlds, these built worlds, are the things that still bring you the most wonder and joy in a sense?

G: Yeah! And it's something that I wanted to do when I grew up. I wanted to build my own worlds that people could share and be a part of, and that was something I did all throughout the band was just kinda- and building all these different worlds and the people that inhabit those worlds and the details down to the stickers on the Trans Am for Danger Days, those were all planned out. So my favorite thing to do is world building. And I've done it for projects that haven't come to fruition as well. Like I was working on this sci-fi TV show for a while and I just went deep, and I just came up with- with my friend Jon Rivera, we just came up with this whole world. So world building is something I'm a big fan of. And it's something I've noticed people talk about when they're talking about either my work with Umbrella Academy or My Chemical Romance, is the world building aspect, so. World building as a job title isn't a job, but I think it's- that element is, I feel like, one of my strengths.

D: Yeah. As far as the world building, I feel like you've not only built those worlds, but with MCR, you lead in inhabiting them in a way.

G: Yeah.

D: It's fun to watch. It's scary for me a little bit, watching it. Is it scary for you or is it safe for you? To be in that character.

G: That's a good question. I think there's a bit of safety that comes with being a character, and obviously, I was looking up to my heroes when I was constructing that. I was looking at David Bowie, especially around Black Parade, that's when I was like, "I'm gonna be a character." Early Black Parade stuff was like, I had written this line out that basically said, "What if Death had a rock band?" It obviously changed from that and we all became Death in a way, the whole band, but there was a safety with inhabiting a character, and the character I was during Black Parade was fun because I think in an entertaining way or a positive way, there was this level of disdain that you would have for you audience as playing as The Black Parade. But it was, to me, a healthy kind, because you were just playing really. And I thought that was a fun aspect of that character. But then there's a lot of you in the character and it's kind of- I always saw the characters that I've played as some aspect of myself turned up to 12. It's interesting when I would meet people afterwards and stuff, they would be like, "I didn't think you were gonna be so normal when I met you," just because the way I would act onstage. And I met a lot of kids who were like, "I thought you were gonna be such a jerk."

D: That's funny.

G: Because I would play one, you know. And it was just part of the drama for me.

D: Yeah. That's cool. Have you read any Ursula K. Le Guin?

G: I love her! I just reread Earthsea, the first one.

D: I haven't read it. I've heard it's amazing.

G: Yeah, it is.

D: I just got into- I read The Left Hand Of Darkness.

G: Oh, I've not finished that, but I loved what I've read.

D: It is a very slow book, in a sense. It's not exciting, in a sense, but it's got this patient movement and by the end, I was just floored by it. It was fantastic.

G: I have to finish that one. I love her and her work, especially Left Hand Of Darkness, it does have a patient movement, I think that's the best way to describe it. And I've also loved the way that she talks about storytelling in writing, and one thing I've read from her recently that really stuck with me, this is a quote of hers, and I'm paraphrasing it, I don't know if I'm getting this exact, but she basically said, "Not every story needs to have a message. It could just be the act of telling a story. You don't have to lecture your readership or your audience, or hit them over the head with this big message. It doesn't have to have one."

D: Which is interesting because I feel like she is a very message orientated writer in a certain way, but maybe that's coming in in a very natural sense.

G: Yeah.

D: [C.S.] Lewis talked about that too, where he was like, "The last thing you wanna do is write this thing that's just trying to tell something." He's like, "Whatever truth that you actually believe, those things are coming out if you just write."

G: If you just write, I agree with that.

D: Like Narnia, apparently, started from- he had a picture in his head of a faun in a snowstorm holding a parcel with an umbrella. That's the whole world built out of that, and he loved that image, and his love for it blossomed into something.

G: Yeah! That's awesome!

D: It's super cool. So, the beginning, in the intro of Left Hand Of Darkness, Le Guin says, "I am an artist, and therefore a liar. Distrust everything I say. I am telling the truth. The only truth I can understand or express is, logically defined, a lie. Psychologically defined, a symbol. Aesthetically defined, a metaphor." So even when you're making music, you were talking about you're making these fictions, you're lying as it were. I was watching something the other day, you said something like, "Sometimes fiction is closer to fact," or something in that range. Is that accurate of how you feel creating, that sometimes by- you're getting at a deeper truth by telling a fiction?

G: Yeah yeah. That could happen, and I think it's kinda magical when it does happen. Black Parade especially is filled with a lot of metaphors and maybe the fiction is something to a degree that you'll hide behind in a way, and it allows you to expose yourself. Because exposing yourself is really hard and one of the- just allowing yourself to be vulnerable is really hard and one of the things that Rob Cavallo said to me when he was producing Black Parade was, "Making a record, a great record, is you're almost pulling open your insides and you're pulling all your guts out," and things like that, and it's a brutal process because of that, but I think I did that on that record a lot. There's a lot of self loathing and there's the Catholic guilt I grew up with appears in stuff like Mama and House of Wolves, how you think you're destined for Hell and things like that, but it's cool, yeah. Fiction gives you a way to express these things and make yourself vulnerable and open yourself up and that's the way I like to use it, and then sometimes, there's stuff that's just straight fiction or fantasy. Overall, I considered Black Parade to be a death fantasy. A rock and roll death fantasy because I thought death and rock and roll were kind of intertwined in a way, because I think Mick Jagger had said once, "Every time you get onstage you have to be prepared to die."

D: That's amazing.

G: Yeah! So, it was this rock and roll death fantasy, Black Parade.

D: That's cool. I have the worst memory. So, I was preparing for this and somebody was like, "Hey, ask Gerard if he really wrote the treatment for the Image Of The Invisible video," and I was like, "Holy shit!" I totally forgot that-

G: Oh my god!

D: That you did that.

G: Oh my god! That was so fun too! I totally forgot! I gotta rewatch that.

D: What's funny too is I watching your videos and I was like, "This is so cool, these characters. We've never really done anything like that. I guess Image Of The Invisible is kinda like that," but didn't even make the connection, but it's totally that way because you were building that world!

G: That was so much fun.

D: And I got to live in it and it was cool.

G: That's cool. Yeah, I was really honored that you asked me to conceptualize a video for you guys.

D: It was fun. I don't think we've ever had another one where it was such- well, definitely not such a developed story.

G: Right. Didn't we do something too where we had lights on their helmets?

D: Yeah.

G: Their eyes were supposed to be lights or something?

D: Yeah, maybe it was like a single eye was a red laser-y light.

G: Yeah. That was cool. I'm gonna rewatch that when we're done.

D: So you grew up with the Catholic guilt, you said. Did you ever feel like you inhabited that world, or was it something being kind of thrust on you that you didn't- I mean, it's hard as a kid.

G: Right.

D: You don't even know, but I'm curious about that and then where you'd feel like your kind of big frame worldview is now on like, "What are we all doing on this rock?"

G: Right, right. My family, my parents, they weren't super religious. I come from this Italian Catholic background though so it was the kind of thing, my grandmother would go to church sometimes, but never would push us to really go. But for Christmas or something, my mom would go with her. But I think they thought, my parents thought, "This is the right thing to do. We should raise our child with believing in God and raise them Catholic because we're good. Even though we're not always there, we're good Catholics." So, they kind of put me on that path and I think the first thing I learned from being Catholic, or just religion in general, maybe it's somewhat at times specific to Catholicism, is this fear. And this fear of Hell, that's they really instilled in us. I think I was in the 1st grade or something, really young, and there was this thing that would happen where they would talk about death and Hell and all that stuff, and there was this period which, because of these classes, these after school classes, I would have these bouts of just crying. I guess I was coming to terms with the fact that my parents wouldn't be there forever or I would lose them and they would die. But then the additional fear of, "Well, if they behave bad, they'll go to Hell, and I'll go to Hell too," and so, there was this period where it was really upsetting for me, and I channeled that. I tapped into that stuff on a couple records, and on Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge, I borrowed a lot of Catholic imagery, and that second video for Helena being in a church, and things like that. So I kinda started- and in some of our merch designs too. I remember we had one with a cathedral and a rosary and all this stuff, and then that would come to a head in the song Mama on Black Parade but, yeah, my journey in terms of spirituality and where I came with that. Obviously, at some point, I was confirmed in the 5th grade, so I did that. But then after that, my parents didn't have any more requirements out of me, because it was all about baptism, communion, and confirmation. And if you did those three things, you were good, then you could go as you wanted. So they never pushed me to go. And then, over the years, obviously I got into punk rock and I didn't believe in God for the longest time, and then I just started to really need spirituality in my life as I got older. And I'm more of the sense where I believe in there being some- I don't know if it's a God, but I do believe there's something.

D: Something, yeah.

G: Yeah. There's something out there, there's some kind of reason. I also believe we come from- because we do, we come from star stuff.

D: Yeah.

G: We come from the universe. We're birthed from the universe. I'm a believer in the fact that the universe is chaos and born out of chaos and it's uncontrollable, and there's kind of no rhyme or reason to anything, and tragedies and accidents and bad things happen and good things happen, and it's really just chaos being this constant true thing in the universe, and I came to those discoveries through my study of magick, occultism, and things like that, which I was inspired to do by my friend Grant Morrison. He's kind of like a big brother to me, mentor, he's really supportive and he's very into magick. And so I became interested and he's given me some lessons, and I actually wanted to do a podcast one day with him where I literally just sit down with him and have him talk about magick, because the way he describes it is, you would almost need it to be recorded to fully explore all the theories and things like that. So, I started to need magick, high magick, chaos magick, and eventually witchcraft, and witchcraft is something I felt more comfortable with because I always felt like, when I was reading about chaos magick, it felt like it was about making the universe bend to your will, whereas I was looking for something more that you were in service to the universe.

D: Interesting.

G: I think I got this from reading Crowley's book on magick, but basically, I don't know exactly what he said, but basically reality is your perspective. And that was kinda one of the key points of magick, your brain builds your reality.

D: Yeah.

G: And I thought that was a really great take away from all that. So, yeah, I've been interested in spirituality and things like that and studying shamanism, and all that stuff. We, with our daughter, we didn't raise her with religion, but we, Lindsey, my wife, is really spiritual too. Not like a practicing witch or anything, but she's just naturally adept at those kind of things. She's really in tune with nature, she knows a ton about herbology, a lot of the founding cornerstones of witchcraft is just kinda part of her life. And so, we do raise Bandit with- Lindsey teaches her all about herbs and plants and we have a witch's garden, and communicating with nature and trees and animals and things like that. So we're teaching our daughter that there is a kind of magick to life and magick does exist. It's not Harry Potter magic, but you know.

D: A lot of that seems like it's about an embodiment, a connectedness to everything, to other people.

G: Yeah, connectedness, for sure, yeah. And just teaching her that she's connected to the universe. And if she grows up and wants a different kind of religion, that's great too, and I know I explored those. I was looking for a religion in art school, because I had a class where we had to study all the religions, or most of them. And I kept going from each one and I was like, "I like bits of this one, but I don't like that." I couldn't find one that I landed on until I got later in life into more spiritual things like magick and witchcraft.

D: Cool. So with something like witchcraft, which for a lot of people are gonna hear it and have not at all the idea that you're talking about I think, so something like the idea of goodness in that, where does that derive from? Is that coming from the inter-connectedness? It seems like there's a moral view to it rather than morality being a decree maybe. It's something that arises out of those connections?

G: Right right, yeah! I think the positivity in it, to me, and here's the thing. I don't consider myself a practicing witch or anything like that, I just read a ton of this stuff. And that's one of the things they kinda warn you about with magick and everything, you could read all the books you want and some people spend their whole life reading books and never practice, but the thing they tell you to do is practice. And I think yeah, the goodness comes from being in service to the earth. Being connected to that and also, what I've learned about witchcraft, or at least the kind of witchcraft that I like, is it's very gray. It's not black magick, it's not totally white magick, it's just understanding that the universe and all things in it are very gray, there's no black and white to everything. And I've really liked that the most, because I get older- when I was younger, I was very black and white about a lot of things. Especially in the earlier days of My Chemical Romance, everything was really military and rigid, and black and white, and this is right and this is wrong. You kind of get older and you start to realize, "No, things aren't that simple. Not everybody's all good or all bad. There's a grayness there."

D: Which, I think, I have a song of the latest Thrice record called The Grey and it's dealing with that idea of deconstructing the black and the white, and I think the biggest danger there is the idea that even if there was straight black, straight white, you are betting a lot on your ability to discern it at any given moment.

G: You are.

D: And then if you are actually holding to it, and you're basically betting on your ability to discern this thing and now it's of the most ultimate consequence and you filter out everything that doesn't fit into that, which is basically a bunch of yourself and a bunch of everyone around you.

G: Yeah, exactly, yeah.

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D: So I have a couple questions I’ll pepper in here from some of the Patrons. James Corvit said, “What is the purest form of goodness you’ve experienced as a human being, and how do you explain it?”

G: Purest form of goodness.

D: I don’t know, it’s deep.

G: Yeah.

D: I don’t know if that’s from someone or just internally.

G: The purest form of goodness. It’s a tough question but it’s a great question. I think the purest form of goodness is forgiveness. Or that would be something I would say is a very strong form of goodness. Even when you see people that the most terrible things happen to them, like a serial killer murders their loved one and then some of these people, not all of them, and I don’t blame the ones that don’t find forgiveness, but some of them find forgiveness and are able to forgive people for the most atrocious things, and so that feels like a really powerful form of goodness.

D: Yeah, I feel like in the middle of me deconstructing a lot of that stuff, something I was like- the idea of grace and forgiveness is something that goes deep there and I’m not willing to let go of that. Over the centuries, there’s been countless efforts to define beauty. Aristotle defines beauty as having “order, symmetry, and definiteness.”

G: Hm.

D: But it’s always struck me as a fairly anemic version of beauty. And then I saw on the cover of the My Chem single Sing, there’s a question on there that says, “Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?”

G: Right.

D: This makes me think that you probably also take issue with that definition a bit. I wanted to ask, is there something about brokenness that’s near the heart of beauty for you?

G: Absolutely, yeah. And that, I was trying to remember that phrase a couple months ago too, that was on the cover saying, yeah, “Would you destroy something perfect to make it beautiful?” And yeah, I think beauty is way more complex than symmetry and I think there is a brokenness to beauty. I think, you look at a lot of musicians, you could arguably say from a certain perspective, if you subscribe to symmetry and things like that, a lot of musicians or front-people, men and women in bands, some of them you could say they’re not traditionally beautiful, or not what you would think is beautiful, but something about their vulnerability or their confidence and things like that, make them beautiful. And that’s in any case, even non-musicians. Like people that just go to work in the world and have normal jobs, there is something about beauty that is much deeper than just what you see visually.

D: One of the Patrons was saying that, “My Chem’s music reinforced to me and my friends that being an outcast was okay.” Was that something that you wanted people to feel? What were things growing up that made you feel like it was okay to be an outcast or a misfit?

G: I think by the time I was definitely not in elementary school- well, I didn’t have to struggle with being an outcast in elementary school. I actually went to a really cool school, it was just a normal public school, but the one thing I thought looking back that was very interesting about those years is we all got along, we were all friends, even the weirdest kids, and a lot of kids would just have these parties back then and everyone was invited. And then my first real experience with being an outsider was going to middle school, and then so, you aren’t all friends anymore, and there’s all divisions and cliques and things like that, and then I found myself to be one of these outcasts, one of these weird kids that listened to heavy metal and wore flannels. There were only a handful of us in the school that were like that. But it wasn’t until high school where I fully embraced being an outcast. The first year, freshman year was really hard because I was really an outcast and I didn’t even know where to sit at the lunch tables, because I didn’t fit in with any of these groups. And it turns out I ended up sitting with a table of metalheads because they saw me sitting by myself and they were like, “Why don’t you sit with us?” And that’s where I would learn about certain bands that they were into, like Murphy’s Law and the kind of things they were listening to back then. But it was important for me to have something that spoke to outsiders with My Chemical Romance because when I was that age, there wasn’t anything that really spoke to me like that. Or there wasn’t something so specific to being an outcast. There was lots of stuff that if you were an outcast you listened to like The Cure or The Smiths, so of course, I found all those bands. But there was nothing specifically geared to somebody that feels invisible or is an outcast or rejected and things like that, so when we started My Chem, it felt very much like we were channeling the energy of being an outcast onto whoever listened to us. And in the early days, it wasn’t a lot of kids. I mean, there weren't any kids that really listened to us. It was kinda older punk rockers, it was very interesting in the beginning. And of those older punk rockers, a lot of them were actually outcasts as well.

D: Yeah.

G: Within a scene so. And maybe they weren’t even full-on punk rockers, they were just a guy with a leather jacket at a bar who just saw something in us.

D: Yeah. That’s cool. The Patron Jonathan Clark is asking, “Do you have any rituals or practices that you do to find your center, wait for yes, get connected, see the good, the true, the beautiful in others, or let go a bit?” Basically he’s kinda asking if you have any meditative, mindfulness, something to practice.

G: Right right. I really enjoy T.M., Transcendental Meditation. Actually, I’m in an interesting spot with this though.

D: That’s where you’re chanting.

G: A mantra, yeah. You have a mantra and you kind of just repeat it in your head. It helps you, basically when you’re doing it, it releases negative energy and tension and things like that, and it’s very good. But sometimes, at least in my experience, and this is why I’ve kinda paused my practice at the moment, sometimes it could release trauma and things like that, and sometimes you end up reliving that and it makes it- and granted, your body is letting go of it, but sometimes it’s hard and I found when it would get its most intense, I would catastrophize things in my head and be- so I would be focusing on the mantra, but then things would happen like I would be thinking about the worst things that could happen to my family or my loved one, or something bad happening to them or getting hurt.

D: Is that something that happens to you? Do you tend to catastrophize in general?

G: Sometimes. I do tend to catastrophize sometimes, and it’s something I work on in therapy. I’m a big believer in talk therapy and, I don’t try to push medication on anybody, but I always just share my experience, and that it’s helped me.

D: Yeah.

G: I was somebody who was extremely imbalanced all through the years of My Chemical Romance, and go through these extreme highs and crushing lows where I wouldn’t get out of bed for like three months, but then I would be in a manic phase, and I would be up until 4am working on zines all of the sudden, and I would say to Lindsey, “I don’t need to sleep. Why do people sleep? I don’t get it.” So there was a lot of that, and then Lindsey found me a therapist and we did a lot of really hard work and I faced myself a lot, I looked inward. And at the same time, before we were able- before we explored and did the work, we stabilized my brain chemistry. That was the key. Once we were able to stabilize my brain chemistry-

D: You were able to actually…

G: Do the work, yeah. So, I am a big believer in T.M., it’s just that sometimes I struggle with it, but I know all I have to do is check in with the T.M. center and explain what I’m going through, and actually my therapist had found me this woman who’s one of the heads of, I’m not sure if it’s the David Lynch Foundation or something else, she actually said, “You should come in, I’ll talk to you, I’ll walk you through the trauma stuff and all the hard stuff.” But I’m a big believer in it because when it was cooking, and there were two months this year where it was totally changing my life until some of the negative came out. It was, I was a more productive, more focused, calmer, more engaged, more present. I’m a believer in it and a big believer in therapy and just having somebody to talk to.

D: Yeah. That’s awesome. On the drive up, I was thinking about Umbrella Academy and I really love it in general. I remember getting the comic when it came out. The show turned out so great. Are you really happy with it?

G: Yeah yeah! I’m totally happy. At the end of the day, it was somebody else’s vision and I was able to let go of that. I think I needed to. When the process first started in making it a TV show.

D: That’s gotta be hard.

G: It’s hard.

D: That’s your baby.

G: Yeah yeah! But I was really upfront when I was talking. I went in to meet with UCP and Dawn and the people there. I was with Dark Horse and they said, “What is your goal?” And I said, “My goal is to make great comics because I already went through a whole big thing with Universal trying to make this a movie and it just drained me.”

D: Oh okay.

G: And it was full of really difficult things, it took up a lot of my time, and disappointments, and I really turned my focus back to comics because I was like, that’s where you’re in charge. Nobody can- you have an editor, obviously, if you have a great editor, you’re doing great work together and you’re making changes, but it doesn’t feel like something creative is being ruled by committee, and that’s what it feels like in Hollywood. I was really upfront with Dawn and I said, “I want to make great comics so you guys have good material to make a good show.” I ended up being more involved than that. The extent of my involvement is giving notes, especially about things like wardrobe, costumes, the look and feel of the world, the fact that it’s kind of an alternate reality, and I give notes on scripts and I give notes on edits and things like that, so I am involved for sure. But I was able to realize this is somebody else’s baby and I’m happy with the results for sure. My whole thing is the proof is in the fact that everybody loves it.

D: I like Klaus a lot and I can’t remember, because I read the comics so long ago, how true to the book that character is.

G: Right.

D: Do you feel like it’s capturing what you were trying to get out with it? G: It is capturing, yeah. It’s capturing, to me, what Robert who plays Klaus, he’s capturing this kind of sadness and tragedy to the character. Also obviously, the humor. In the comic, Klaus is a little bit more of what I call a dry goth. He’s very nihilistic in some ways.

D: Not quite as whimsical, maybe.

G: Yeah, not quite as whimsical as what Robert ended up doing. But the way Robert approached the character really ended up working and he adds a lot of humanity to the character, that maybe there’s not so much of it, or you don’t see it very often in the comic with Klaus. Klaus just does bad things and makes bad decisions and obviously, a lot of that is coming from a place of trauma that he experienced as a child, and in the show, it’s cool because the drug use is there to help him quiet the voices in his head. They explored that a lot deeper and I thought that that was really cool.

D: Is that less of a focus in the comic?

G: A little bit. I never really explored the fact that he’s constantly seeing and hearing and talking to ghosts, and so these drugs kind of quiet his mind. I’d never explored that really deeply.

D: Which is cool because you, it’s another evidence of you’re building a world and someone else was living in it, and then they were like, “Well yeah.”

G: Yeah!

D: “Of course he’s like that,” and you’re like, “Well dang.”

G: Yeah! That’s a cool thing. They’re able to point at things you weren’t seeing because sometimes when I’m doing stuff like creating a world like Umbrella Academy, a lot of it is running off the subconscious. A lot of it is, some things you don’t realize you’re putting in there. And when they look at making a TV show or a movie, they really kinda deconstruct it and look at it and say, “Well, this makes sense because of this.”

D: Some of the beauty with the comic is that the concise kind of form makes it to where you don’t always have to trace down all of these rabbit trails, but when you're trying to blow it up into something else, you’ve gotta figure out how to make sense of it all.

G: Mhm. And to bring it back to the question of a sense of wonder. That was the other thing I thought about this morning when you asked me the question was, “what do I get a sense of wonder from,” and comics were a big one. Because to me- and then I would later reinforce these feelings when I started making them and writing them. You could do anything in them and that’s really what’s beautiful about them. I also love the mechanics of them, because there’s definitely things you could do in comics that you can’t do in film and TV and I love that. So I’ve really learned to embrace the medium when I’m writing them. I think I’m writing comics that are definitely comics, and they’re not just a TV show playing out in a comic.

D: Yeah. How much do you draw your own stuff just to get your ideas going? Or is it more conceptual?

G: Quite a bit. No, I do- well especially for something like, less so on Doom Patrol but Umbrella Academy, Gabriel Ba, the artist and I have this really cool relationship and I think the ideas kinda need to start with me, and I’ll do a sketch and then Gabriel will completely reinterpret that and kinda make it much cooler and much better.

D: That's because that’s your complete world from scratch, whereas with Doom Patrol you’re reinventing something?

G: In the beginning, Umbrella was definitely my complete world from scratch and I had this idea, but Gabriel, especially even in the early days, he helped build that world. I was able to give him a couple references and I’m like, “I don’t know, maybe it’s the ‘60s, maybe it’s the ‘70s. People are dressed like the ‘60s and cars look like they’re from the ‘60s, but there's modern things too.” And he loves drawing architecture, which you don’t find a lot of in comics. A lot of people try to stay away from the buildings in the background and the architecture, but he embraces the architecture so he really built that world with me in the beginning. But we still have our process and the process usually, not always but usually is, especially if it’s a villain or something like that, I’ll do some kind of sketch, even if it’s bad, and then Gabriel will take that and make it something.

D: That’s cool. Collaboration is terrifying and super fun when it’s working.

G: Yeah! When it’s working, it’s amazing, yeah. I love collaborating, and I’ve learned to really embrace it over the years. Delegating and collaborating were two skills I really needed to get really good at, and I think I got better at collaborating after the band. Although, we were pretty good about collaborating in the band, I just got better at it though.

D: Yeah. It’s definitely for Thrice, the most fun but also the hardest thing for sure, and it causes the most tension.

G: Right. Yeah, for sure.

D: Just because you care.

G: Because you care, yeah! You care, and sometimes you do see or hear a complete vision so you want that realized.

D: I think that’s the hardest part. You’re like, “I see all this,” and you’re like, “Okay but there’s three other people.”

G: Yeah!

D: Every single time that I’m set on something, and then everyone else is like, “Dude, no,” every time by the end, I’m like, “Wait, what was I stuck on?”

G: Yeah.

D: It didn’t matter anymore.

G: Yeah!

D: It’s totally a psychological issue at that point.

G: It is!

D: “It has to be this way.” No, it could be a million ways and they’re all different and cool.

G: Yeah. And that’s what I learned too when collaborating on music, is exactly what you just said. You don’t even remember what you were hung up on.

D: Totally.

G: Because it’s just much better after everybody's worked on it.

D: It’s very similar to being super upset about something in the moment and you’re just not thinking clear, and you sleep and you wake up and you’re like, “I was real upset about that. It doesn't seem like a big deal anymore.”

G: Yeah.

D: Time travel is a big thing in Umbrella Academy.

G: Yeah.

D: Which it’s notoriously troublesome to write stories with time travel.

G: Yeah.

D: And not have it just fall apart. If you’re trying to get a specific future, you have to have a bunch of people constantly fixing these things.

G: Right right!

D: I like that way of interpreting because usually it’s, “Oh, we fixed this one thing,” and you expect it to just keep going straight, but no way.

G: Right. I really like that the show took that from the comic and really explored it. All these people making these little corrections, sometimes they’re violent corrections, but sometimes they’re very simple. But time travel is such a pain in the ass. I did not envy them when they were starting to do the writer’s room for Umbrella Academy.

D: They try to make it all work.

G: Try to make it all work. And they’d have to put up these big timeline boards and be like, “Alright, this happens this year,” and that’s what I was doing when I was writing the second volume, Dallas, because there’s not much- I don’t think there’s any real time travel, besides Number 5 coming back, there’s no real time travel in volume one, Apocalypse Suite. But Dallas is all about it, so that was the hardest volume I’ve ever had to write, because time travel is just, it’s so hard.

D: Are there any stories that you like that you feel do it really well?

G: I don’t know if I’ve read enough time travel stories. I mean, I thought Back To The Future did it really well.

D: But then I always get stuck on the idea that you have to, there’s an endless cycle of Martys that have to go back.

G: Oh right!

D: And keep- my brain breaks when I try to be like, “But what if he doesn’t? Then none of it works anymore?” It all breaks.

G: Yeah, it can break very easily, and I think almost every time travel story has the possibility of completely breaking, or at least in some person’s mind out there, it is broken.

D: Yeah.

G: So sometimes you have to take time travel stories almost at face value and be like, “Alright, this works.”

D: Yeah, you can’t- well I think part of that is on the writer or whoever’s making it to address and deflect. The Brian McDonald guy I was telling you about, he talks about that somewhere where he’s like, “You gotta spot the problem and then you just need to have some character address it, and then sweep it away,” just so that it helps whoever’s watching or whatever, it helps them be like, “Oh yeah, what about this?” And then, “Oh, they thought about it.”

G: Yep.

D: And it’s not like it’s making it perfect, right? But it gives you permission to let it go, I think.

G: Yeah yeah. And you do have to address these concerns. I realized my answer might have been possibly a little lazy about taking things at face value, but one of the things I had to do in Dallas was address every concern that I thought the reader would have.

D: Which is great. When you do the addressing, it lets the reader or the watcher or whatever, it lets them let it go and enjoy the story.

G: Yeah, exactly. I’m about to start volume four of Umbrella Academy and I’m really happy because I don’t think it’s gonna have any time travel in it, so I think we’re a little bit away from more time travel in Umbrella Academy.

D: Alright, this is a question from Mike Morale, he says, “In his recent arc, Cliff Steele aka Robotman, regains his humanity, at least in outward form. But on Gerard’s latest, ahem, cliffhanger, Steele burns it all up after facing the painful inhumanity of someone with power to hurt him. I suppose my question is, how do we protect the precious beauty of our humanity while remaining vulnerable to those who have meaning in our lives?”

G: Oh wow. How do we protect that humanity? Well that’s a big question, because especially with given how the world is now and the toxicity out there online and things like that, how do you protect your humanity? Because toxicity, like the kind that Cliff experiences when he goes to visit his mother in that nursing home, it’s a very real thing and it’s something you have to deal with. I don’t know how you hold onto your humanity, it’s hard sometimes.

D: While being vulnerable too.

G: While being vulnerable, yeah exactly.

D: Which I guess is almost synonymous to holding onto your humanity.

G: Yeah.

D: Because you could close off but that’s not good.

G: Yeah exactly. I know this isn’t the healthier, great answer, but I think one of the things I did was to kind of remove myself from certain social medias. But it wasn't unhealthy because what I did was I decided to look inward at that point. Instead of, and I could tell you as many harsh people are on the internet, I was much harsher on myself. I looked in and I asked myself tough questions, I really asked myself what’s right and wrong. I think about these things deeply when I’m writing, but holding onto your humanity is very hard. And Cliff, obviously, he doesn’t hold on to that humanity, and he goes back into his cage because that makes sense to Cliff.

D: His follow up question was, “And does skin make the man, or can metal reflect who we really are just as well?”

G: I believe metal can reflect who we are just as well. I think Cliff Steele is very much Cliff whether he’s a human or a robot. He’s still Cliff and I think that’s one of the things that’s great about the character and why he’s so fun to write because no matter what, he’s still Cliff.

D: I wonder if there's anything you’ve been listening to, watching, reading, that you think people should check out?

G: Let’s see. What have I been reading recently? Well, this is old but I just decided to reread Lord Of The Rings from start to finish, and I made it through the books rather quickly and they’re just such a joy to read. They’re so relaxing, but there is a real build up to Lord Of The Rings. It gets so dark at one point, and horrific, but there’s a calm and a peace to reading it. And the way Tolkien writes, you’re just thinking about the greenery and the trees and the rivers and all of those things, and so it’s a real relaxing read for as much as it ramps up. I have a hard time watching TV. I feel really trapped when I’m watching it so I tend not to watch it at all, which is interesting about having a TV show. I bring a different perspective when I’m giving notes because I don’t watch a lot of TV. And more or less the only TV I watch is edits of Umbrella Academy. But every once in a while, Lindsey will rope me into a show that she feels like I absolutely have to watch, and she did that with Breaking Bad, and I’m really grateful she did. She literally rewatched the whole thing with me, made me watch it, and it’s still one of the best I’ve ever seen. And then she got me into Cobra Kai, have you seen that?

D: No, is it good?

G: I think it’s really good, yeah. Especially the first season is really amazing.

D: I had huge doubts about if that would be good at all.

G: Yeah, watch the first season and one of the things that actually helped hook me into the show is the episodes are a half hour, so it was really cool. I didn’t feel as much of a prisoner of the television when I was watching them, because you can watch a half hour and be done.

D: But books don’t make you feel that way? They expand.

G: Books are my favorite thing, yeah. Books are- you know how a lot of people will use a television to kind of tune out and shut off and relax? I use books to do that, so there’s piles of books next to my bed.

D: Thanks so much for sitting down. It’s been so good to talk to you.

G: You too! It’s been a long time. I miss you.

#gerard way #dustin kensrue #carry the fire podcast #full transcription

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mychemicalficrecs · 4 years

Note

Can you recommend some high school AU frerard or Ray/Mikey fics? :3 thank u

Hi Nonny!

I'm going to make seperate lists for this again. Can't promise the second one will be ready by tomorrow but I'll try ;)

I'm not a big reader of High School AUs, so the second half are fics that looked promising on AO3!

Frank/Gerard High School AUs

In Repair by autoschediastic, 33k, Explicit. "Shit," Frank mutters, and shoves both hands through his hair. He looks around the kitchen like he's gonna find what he should do scratched into the old linoleum, then looks back at the bot. He gnaws on his lip. Fuck it. He already knows what he's gonna do. He's just gotta do it. Getting down on his knees, he braces a hand on the edge of the crate and leans over the bot. It's dressed in a plain white tee and matching drawstring pants like an escaped mental patient. Frank rolls his neck and cracks his knuckles, shaking the ache out of them before carefully laying his palm against its cheek. He's pretty sure his voice is steady when he says, "Activate." Nothing happens. Fucking shitty packaging-- the thing's busted. But Frank keeps his hand where it is, jumping a little when he feels the surge of energy beneath it. The robot's skin goes from room temperature to lukewarm, then warm. Frank watches it open its eyes, the light behind them adjusting until they're a pale sort of brown. It looks at him and asks, "Am I dead?"

Get Naked (I Got a Plan) by autoschediastic, 11k, Explicit. Frank slides his hand all the way up to where Gerard's arm and tentacles fuse at his armpit. The difference between the feel of one beneath his palm and the other is literally the stuff his dreams are made of. His wet dreams.

A State Of Orange by gala_apples, Frank/Mikey, Frank/Gerard, 20k, Explicit. Being a halfling in a red state can sometimes cause issues for Frank Iero. He’s the weakest at Jett Clement High School, and probably the entire state (not counting the meal plans). His moods are oddly stable, as much as he tries to be mercurial. And being able to withstand the sun for up to twenty minutes only allows him more time to be forced into chores. Still, his parents are insane if they think he’s going to be happy about their decision. Frank doesn’t want to move to a Mixed state. How is he supposed to get great friends? How is he supposed to find great food? How is he supposed to have great sex? But Frank doesn’t have a choice. He’s New Jersey bound for the next year, if not longer. He’ll be surrounded by tame vampires who have been nagged out of a sex drive, and humans he’s not allowed to eat. Mixed states suck. Lucky for him, not every person in Jersey sucks.

The Truth Is I'm On My Way by samanthahirr, 6k, Teen And Up Audiences. Frank's been drawing on himself since elementary school, up under his sleeves and pant legs where his teachers and classmates won't see; he knows how to color inside the lines. He doesn't need Gerard to do it for him. (A high school AU.)

You Only Hear the Music When Your Heart Begins to Break by Solarcat, 14k, Teen And Up Audiences. Frank has high school figured out. His mom has given up arguing about the amount of time he spends in Gerard's basement, and he doesn't actually care if people think it's weird that he and Gerard hold hands in the hallways and go to the bathroom together. The only thing Frank cares about is figuring out why Gerard's suddenly avoiding him -- because what's the point of losing your virginity on Prom Night if you can't tell your best friend about it in the morning?

Smokeless Flame of Fire by tabulaxrasa, 21k, Mature. Frank blinked. "What kind of name for a genie is Gerard?"

to the midnight land by akamine_chan, 24k, Explicit. Being a teenager is hard. Being a Blooded teenager, one with a connection to the Moon and his fur-self, is even worse. He's got to contend with his own hormones, high school, and the fact that he's in love with his best friend. Luckily, Frankie's got the determination to see things through. He's got family, friends, and a community of shifters to lean on, and he's not going to give up. Frankie's not patient, but he's stubborn when he knows what he wants. And he wants Gerard.

Thing-Thing by sinsense, 43k, NC-17. When Gerard signed the admissions paperwork for the Fordhaven School for Boys, he knew he was signing up for four years of sexual frustration. No one was gay at Fordhaven. Gerard was all-too-aware that he would be a virgin until he graduated. In his senior year, though, this stupid gay freshman disproves Fordhaven's straightness, and throws Gerard's entire world off-kilter. Now, in between drawing, avoiding bullies, running an incredibly serious tabletop RP game, failing out of math, and hanging out with friends, Gerard is also busy kind of falling for this asshole who's way too young for him. It's not what he planned on, but it's what's happening. In conclusion: high school sucks.

You'll Always Feel This Way by wakingup, 14k, Not Rated. It's Frank's birthday and he's gonna A) get drunk B) hit on Gerard C) get laid. Yeah, it's definitely going to work out like that. (Spoiler alert: it might not be that easy)

Nothing Comes as Easy as You by rivers_bend, 9k, Explicit. "Um, I've heard, you know, around, that like, there are guys who can get off three times without stopping. And I was, I mean—" god he sounds like a fucking idiot. "Have you ever heard of that?"

Church of Hot Addiction by spleenjournal, 0nlymemories, Frank/Gerard, Frank/Mikey, 36k, Adult. When Gerard Way gets transferred to Our Lady of Peace in Arlington a few weeks into his Senior year, he thinks it's his chance to be cool. Too bad his idea of "cool" is no cooler than it was in 3rd grade, even if there aren't any green tights. (AU of the INO AU, more or less.)

The Marching Band AU by frankiesin, many pairings in a bunch of different works, 150k, General Audiences, Teen And Up Audiences, Mature, Explicit. A bunch of gay teens are in a band and do dumb things while in high school. There will be a lot of pairings, each part can be read without reading the others, and the series is in chronological order.

We're all Okay by rivers_bend, 28k, Explicit. A story in which Frank is not a stalker, Gerard is not a psycho, and Mikeyway is nobody’s boyfriend.

Where Did The Party Go by frenchpirate (Whiskey_n_speed), 16k, Mature. The one where Frank get's a new and nocturnal neighbor, Gerard throws a Halloween party that turns out far from what was expected, Pete wakes up on a strangers couch and Mikey really doesn't want any serenades (but that doesn't mean he isn't getting any).

Miss Congeniality by melusina, 11k, Mature. Gerard pretends to be a girl, Frank and Gerard discover email and Mikey’s good advice goes unheeded.

honey, this mirror isn't big enough for the two of us by orphan_account, 17k, Explicit. You should have raised a baby girl / I should have been a better son. (the unholy union of a high school au and a gender feel)

SKETCH by frnklyiero, 77k, Teen And Up Audiences. "You having a problem with drawing straight?" "I'm having a problem with being straight." Gerard Way happened to be the most fascinating sight in school to Frank Iero perhaps besides Jamia Nestor. Every little detail of his perfect features made Frank itch to sketch them. There are just a few problems: 1) Gerard is probably straight as a ruler, 2) Jamia isn't thrilled that her boyfriend may or may not have been secretly doodling Gerard in his notebook, 3) No matter how much Frank practices, his Gerard sketches still look like eggplants with creepy faces on them.

Save Me (From My Self Destruction) by cyanidepurified, 14k, Teen And Up Audiences. Frank and Gerard are best friends, both are unaware that they're in love with each other. When Frank discovers Gerard's secret, will he be able to save his best friend?

Speeding in a School Zone by 1001cranes, languisity, 16k, Teen And Up Audiences. High school AU where Frank and Gerard are awkward, Pete is romantically confused, Patrick owns, and Bob is a ninja. Pete, the first time we met you proposed to me. I don’t think your heterosexuality was ever all that secure.

The Chasing of Moons by Helena_Hathaway, 110k, Explicit. The biggest dilemma in all of this is that Frank slept with his future husband. Now Frank’s just got to make sure that the future with him stays intact, but it’s not so easy when present day Gerard seems to hate his guts.

Early Sunsets Over Monroeville by FedeLove96, 11k, Explicit. Frank Iero was a junior when he fell in love with Gerard Way, but their love story was just at the beginning.

A Case of Unknown Identity by Helena_Hathaway, 44k, Explicit. Frerard High School AU. Frank is a teenager with only a few friends, one of whom is a charismatic guy who is just like Frank. He might even be falling for the guy, but the only problem is that he’s just a username on a website without a face or a name. The guy goes by 'Watchman' and he’s perfect in Frank’s eyes, he doesn’t even need to meet him to know he’s amazing. Frank also deals with bullies which makes it hard for him to hold onto friends, but things start to become better after he befriends the antisocial kid Mikey, and realizes that Watchman might just go to his school. Watchman might also know a little more about Frank than he’s letting on.

But The Pages Are All Torn and Frayed by blindlyseeking (orphan_account), 55k, Mature. Basically, this is based off of the music video for “I’m Not Okay” and it also includes (but is not limited to) gratuitous mentions of a drunken fascination with a lamp, one evil lacrosse team, two breakdowns in a bathroom, grandmothers with green hair, a couple bruises, and a whole lot of revenge. Enjoy!

#fic rec list #frank/gerard #frerard #high school au #alternate universe

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mcrflashfic · 4 years

Text

Pumpkin Bread

Mikey’s arms and the familiar scent of home would slow him down, would bring him back and he’d hear, “Please don’t die.”

Author: @throwupsparkles

Content Warnings: Past/Implied Drug Use/Abuse

Word Count: 2,310

Gerard is still clutching his phone, knee bouncing anxiously when Mikey finally gets to his apartment.

Help.

Was all Mikey’s text had said. Gerard had been finally cleaning his paintbrushes, a chore that he despised and usually took all morning since he let the brushes pile up under coats of paint. He could always hear his high school art teacher chastising him for ruining the bristles. I like them that way, he’d think as if he was still seventeen.

Gerard had called Mikey as soon as his name lit up on the screen, but Mikey put him to voicemail and wrote.

On my way.

Gerard knew, he knew something was wrong. He couldn’t explain it anymore than he could explain how he could have a full conversation with Mikey only using glances and eyebrow raises.

Mikey lets himself in, using the third spare key that Gerard had given him. Mikey always loses things. He looks so small under the weight of his peacoat, scarf, and even his beanie makes him look like a kid. His kid brother.

He sort of just hovers by the closed door, and Gerard wants to get up and pull him in the rest of the way. But he doesn’t, somehow knowing that Mikey has to take those steps himself. He’s looking at the key in his shaky hand. A sob escapes his trembling lips and then he’s moving. And Gerard is moving. Planets rotate around each other until, crash, and there’s nothing but limbs tangling and Gerard is whispering, “It’s ok. You’re safe.”

Mikey had been the first one to know that Gerard was too far gone. It was a hard line to walk. Mikey grew up following Gerard around everywhere, like his extra few years of life had given him the magic keys to the kingdom. He didn’t know what to do with the fact that Gerard had thrown the keys away and was trampling in the woods at dark.

Gerard had given Mikey his first beer and laughed at him when his face twisted into disgust. Mikey had just held his breath and chugged, Gerard’s eyes grew proud at his little brother as he took his hand and led him further into a party that was too old for him. Mikey puked the next morning, Gerard was still drunk and kept feeding him animal crackers until Mikey lulled back to sleep under the calm blue lights of the television.

They called them the chemical brothers, and Mikey liked that they were a pair of twisted molecules held together by alcohol. Mikey didn’t understand why everyone thought they were doing drugs. Mikey just drank until it felt that his liver was going to run away and abandon him. Then he saw his brother’s eyes one night. Pupils large and full of too much pent up energy. Mikey sat with him all night while Gerard coated canvas after canvas with paint and spouted illogical rants about what was going to happen after he died.

The worst nights were the ones that Gerard spent away from Mikey, leaving him to pace his basement wondering if Gerard was dead somewhere, choking on his own vomit. But he’d know. He would know if there was something wrong. He still could feel that tug on the rope in his mind, the gentle pull of someone else thinking. Sometimes, like those nights, the pull was frantic and erratic. Those nights when Gerard finally came home, Mikey would take his shoes off for him and push him on the bed, pulling the blankets up to his chin like if he tucked him into bed he’d be safe like a child. But Gerard wasn’t the child, he was. And it scared Mikey that his guide to the kingdom had gotten so lost that he was asking him for help.

“Do you want some coffee?” Gerard asks.

Mikey shakes his head, his bleached hair sticking into Gerard’s nostrils.

Right. Gerard couldn’t drink caffeine the first months after he stopped coke, scared the added jolt would explode his heart. It took awhile for him to trust his body again, for him to trust himself with his body.

“Tea?” Gerard tries.

Mikey nods.

Gerard moves back just far enough to put a hand on Mikey’s shoulder and steer him to the couch. He coaxes him to sit and pulls the tattered mustard blanket off the back of the couch to wrap around Mikey’s too bony shoulders.

Gerard goes into the kitchen and searches his cabinets for something soothing, finding a sachet of lavender tea from back when he was dating a philosophy major who listened to Enya all the time. It was a lonely time in his life.

He opens the fridge and cuts two slices of pumpkin bread, puts them on a plate and coats them in apple butter. He pushes the lever on his electric kettle, watching it turn red and spur the water to life. He braces his hands on either side of it, watching it like it’ll tell him what to say to his detoxing brother.

He closes his eyes. He had known. He tried to talk to Mikey about it a few times. Why he was losing weight. Why his hands were shaking. Why he talked too much and fast. Why he was always asking to borrow money. He knew the tell tale signs, but never got it out of him. Maybe it was because Gerard was trying to keep himself busy so that his own demons couldn’t find room in his brain to nestle. Maybe it was too triggering for Gerard to be around Mikey when he was speeding. Either way, it was Gerard’s fault that it went on this long.

Mikey was always the stronger one.

Of course he’d be the one to seek help.

The level switches off and Gerard pulls down a mug and fills it with the steaming water. He drops the tea bag in, dunking it a few times before picking up the mug and plate and walking back to Mikey.

Mikey would barge into Gerard’s apartment sometimes when his calls went unanswered for too long. He would find Gerard up and walking around the house in clothes that he saw him in weeks ago, his hair matted and his fingertips stained from ink and too many cigarettes.

Mikey would pull Gerard into the shower fully clothed, shoes slipping on the porcelain. He’d find the perfect temperature and point it to Gerard’s face, holding him under the cascading water until Gerard’s frantic rants dialed down to whispers then soft cries.

Gerard felt numb, but would wake back up under the spray. Would feel Mikey’s arms holding him down. Feel his jaw move against Gerard’s temple, but couldn’t hear him just yet. He’d be so fuzzy, moving too fast for this world. It couldn’t keep up and hold him here. Mikey’s arms and the familiar scent of home would slow him down, would bring him back and he’d hear, “Please don’t die.”

Mikey sips on his tea, using both hands to cup the mug and wiggle his fingers like they were just waking up. Gerard supposes they were.

“How long?” Gerard asks softly.

“Was I using or how long have I been clean?”

Gerard frowns. “Both?”

Mikey keeps sipping his tea and Gerard knows the answer. Too long, and not long enough.

“Do you have stuff?” Gerard asks, “Where are your things?”

“At Ray’s still. I think. I haven’t been there in a few months, he might have thrown them out after I stopped paying rent.”

“He wouldn’t do that.”

“I know.”

Gerard pushes the plate of bread near Mikey. Mikey frowns, puts down his tea and picks up a slice, bringing it to his mouth and taking a bite. “Did you make this?”

Gerard scoffs. “No.”

“Boyfriend?”

He shakes his head. “I help this old lady on the top floor with her groceries on Sunday after she gets back from church.”

Mikey’s eyes widen a bit, but the curve of the corner of his mouth lightens Gerard’s heart.

“Apple butter?”

“Farmer’s market.”

“I hardly know you anymore,” he says lightly, but the words are heavy.

Gerard lights a cigarette and tries to hide his trembling hands. His mouth quivers, so he turns and takes a drag. He feels hopeless that the small man next to him feels like home and a stranger all at once.

“Hey.”

Gerard turns.

“I’m sorry,” Mikey says, and he means it. It’s not a pathetic apology that is fueled by drugs after your mind catches up to what you’ve done. It’s not an apology to just keep you around because you’re fuel to the addiction. Mikey’s eyes are tired, his lips are cracked, and his skin is too pale.

Gerard puts a hand around the back of his neck, thumb pushing on his pulse. Alive.

“I am too.”

They don’t talk much after that. Gerard puts on some late night cartoons on Cartoon Network and Mikey leans back on the couch so that his legs are rested in Gerard’s lap. Mikey is asleep before they get to the first commercial break.

Gerard didn’t realize he had a problem until he yelled at his boyfriend the next morning after a bender for doing the last of the coke. He never knew that kind of rage, the kind that made him blind and feel like his blood was boiling out of his skin. He had screamed and threw cups, “How could you be so selfish!” And in the end they ended up driving to a friend’s house so Gerard could get a bump.

The car ride home was quiet and Gerard’s mind was spinning, not just from the drugs.

When had he become this person?

Mikey’s neck must be getting stiff from resting it against the arm of the couch, so Gerard slides out from under his legs and slips his arms under his knees and against his back. He winces at the prominent spine he feels. He carries Mikey into his room, the only real bedroom since the other two have turned into a mix of studio space and junk room. He lays him down and Mikey stirs a bit when Gerard is unlacing his shoes.

“I can take the couch,” Mikey murmurs.

Gerard shakes his head and puts his shoes by the nightstand. “Go back to sleep.”

Mikey’s eyes flutter shut.

The worst night was when Gerard had called Mikey.

“I feel like someone is pulling my hair back and trying to restart my brain,” Gerard slurred.

Mikey pushed his fist in his mouth to keep from sobbing, then said as calmly as he could, “How much have you done?”

“All day,” he had answered.

“Where are you?”

“Kansas?” Gerard asked, “There’s a small dog. Like Toto.”

Mikey had gotten on his computer and started typing into Google. “What else? Are you at a bar? Someone’s house?”

“Bar. It’s bright. I didn’t think you could bring a dog into a bar.”

“Might be a service animal.”

“Can you get one of those to just, hug? Because I need hugs.”

Mikey’s heart broke. “What else, Gerard?” he whispered.

“60s vibes. Marylin is on the wall.”

Mikey typed. “New York or Jersey?”

“New York. I haven’t been to Jersey in…”

Yeah, Mikey knew. He hadn’t seen his brother in months. Hadn’t talked to him in weeks. He just kept feeling the rope, tugged it just to make sure someone on the other end pulled back.

Still here.

“Is there a menu? A sign, cocktail napkin?”

There was a pause then, “Johnny Hams.”

“Awful name.”

Gerard hummed in agreement.

“Be there in about…thirty five mintues,” Mikey promised, “Stay there.”

Gerard hung up and Mikey ran to the station. He sat on the hard plastic seat, knee bouncing as he kept tugging on the rope.

Still here.

He found Gerard in the bathroom, sitting in a stall, his head against the tiles.

Mikey sat next to him and placed a hand on his knee. “Ready to go home.”

Gerard lulled his head towards him, eyes wide but dead and a grim smile stretching his lip. “There’s no place like home.”

Gerard isn’t surprised that it takes Mikey until two in the afternoon to wake up. When he does, he’s quiet and comes to sit at the breakfast bar where Gerard is filling a cup of coffee. He turns and flicks on the kettle.

“Sleep well?”

Mikey nods.

“Call mom?”

He shakes his head.

“This evening?”

He shrugs.

Gerard hums and goes to the fridge to cut more pumpkin bread.

“I never thanked you,” Gerard breathes as he cuts into the loaf.

“Now’s your chance.”

Gerard’s vision goes blurry and he has to put down the bread knife and wipe at his eyes. He’s spiraling into self loathing. Hating himself for not knowing what to do here when Mikey knew exactly what to do to fix Gerard. He knew what he needed. Had pulled him out of that bar bathroom and locked him into his home until he forgot what the drip tasted like. Had kept him away from bottles of clear liquid that burned away his insecurities. Had changed the sheets over and over after Gerard sweated through the night, crying out at demons. Battle cries some nights, sobs and pleas other nights. Mikey sat in the arm chair in the corner of the room, watching. Tugging even though he could see Gerard.

Still here.

Mikey’s arms come around Gerard now. “Not your fault,” he whispers, pressing his lips into his hair.

Gerard held him close for a moment, pressing his face in his neck and breathing in the scent of home. He’s felt so lost for months, pulling on that rope just to get a weak shift at the other end. He closes his eyes and tugs.

Mikey pulls.

Still here.

#gerard way #mikey way

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