#and I feel like it just a big ugly thing | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

reamed · 7 months

Text

now I am crying yay

#txt #I guess it’s time to be sad #my body dysmorphia is so bad all of a sudden and the reason js so selfish but I don’t care #k feel like my mom thinks I’m just the ugliest person in the world #and I feel like it just a big ugly thing

4 notes · View notes

napping-sapphic · 11 months

Text

I talk so much about how i want to fall in love for all the things i could do for someone and all the things someone could do for me but deep down, if i’m being honest, i want to fall in love because i just so desperately need to know that love is actually real and that there are people out there capable of truly loving me

#wlw #wlw mood #sapphic #sapphism #lesbian #just like growing up and losing so many relationships #friendship and family relationships all of it #it’s hard to remember that there are people out there who can love you and that that love will stay #regardless of whether or not you can give them something #idk all the love in my life just feels gone and i don’t really think there’s anything i love anymore sometimes #but then i remember the world is big and i should stop worrying so much for now #i dont know my life is a mess lately #and it’s 5 am and i haven’t slept #and im still grieving things #and hope and patience are so hard sometimes #and there’s something about the ugly side of the whole idea of ‘yearning’ that i think about a lot #because so much of my yearning ISN’T pretty or wistful #it’s achingly desperate and lonely and uncertain #i dont know #i dont know if any of this is worded right #or if it’s all nonsense and i should just be quiet and go to sleep #idk

252 notes · View notes

wikoymi · 7 months

Text

stiff ahh pose but crazy how its taken me Seven Months to draw a nagito that looks even somewhat remotely close to how he looks in my head. Big day

#nagito komaeda #sdr2 #danganronpa #danganronpa fanart #fanart #art #finished #wikoart #ok im just gonna rant about how he looks ive done this before in ts but #Hair. ok you guys know those like cheap ass wigs that have been crimped or wtv you call it. Nagito #Not like the shiny plastic ones but like. The ones that have been really brushed up? i dont know it just feels very coarse i guess #not in the way that he doesnt like wash his hair bc he def does but thats just how his hair is #his mullet type thing is so important to me i can never really translate it well into my art #i got it here tho so. :33333 #other important nagito design aspects because i love him a lot #back profile. big ass hood. semi baggy jeans. stupid eyelashes. the fold on the back of his jacket like midway down where it like goes out #the WALLET CHAIN.#the 55 on the back of his jacket #i just really like his jacket. its so ugly #wide ass shoulders #freakishly tall #i know hes only like 5’11 but you know thats still like a foot taller than me hes freakishly tall to me #bony hands #hes such a freak #i love him so much #his skin is def dry as hell #sandpaper #anemic so hes like freezing to thr touch #COLLARBONES

66 notes · View notes

squorttle-pox · 4 months

Text

please. i need alastor with his hair up so we can see the side of his head. second set of ears or smooth flesh prairie?

#hazbin hotel #alastor #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor ears #alastor's flesh fields #bc husk has the ears on top as well #but his head is shaped like a cat and he has all the fur so it works #but alastor is mostly human shaped when he wants to be and his face head is distinctly skinful #so.#like imagine he's uncomfortable or embarrassed by it because it's *yet another* physical difference that #invites the taunts and abuse and humiliation he faced in life (and is thus very sensitive about in afterlife)#he already faces being a PREY animal of all things #so. imagine. he always ALWAYS makes sure his hair covers the side of his head. in his twisted victim mind the lack of ears makes him #Wrong and Disgusting and Untouchable and A Monster (and not in the satisfying fearful way he enjoys)#so he pushes it away. doesnt let anyone learn about his ugly disgusting mutation because surely SURELY if they saw it...#he could lose everything he's worked so hard for. because who would fear him? who would respect him? who would bother looking in his #direction? he would just be another lowlife Freak undeserving of love and attention and— well #thats what he would tell himself. but then one day niffty's doing his hair like he sometimes lets her #and he's just enjoying letting her have her fun. kinda spaced out; mostly just enjoyjng the rare sensation of a touch he doesn't despise #it doesnt even register when she pulls his hair up (maybe into lil space buns or smthn idk) that it leaves his empty face on display for all #i can imagine angel being the most outwardly shocked. some loud exclamation that turns everyones attention to alastor and his earless face #just. everyone staring at him. and he realises. and he hates himself for slipping like that and oh no theyre going to hate him and tell—#— everyone and he will lose all that hes been working towards with the hotel and he is just. So. mortified. think shameful reactions:#averted gaze; flushed cheeks; figeting under their stares; or perhaps the classic deer-in-headlights look as he freezes in shock #just as he feels everything crashing down around him. the others get ahold of themselves and share their reactions too #shock; confusion; endearment (charlie would 100% do a big AWW/want to touch it); reassurances galore when they see him retreat into his mind #they tell him it's normal (he's in hell; no longer a human but a demon; everyone looks odd by some standard)#they tell him it makes sense (he's a deer after all). they tell him his appearance is nothing to be ashamed of and that everyone is still #super intimidated and frightened by him ♡; that it doesnt change anything; that theyre sorry for whatever led him to believe otherwise

31 notes · View notes

chalkscrub · 4 months

Text

revisiting my roots as an artist - never sketching, never planning, and going straight to the inks. and also drawing traditionally again. with some digital colours

speaking of my roots as an artist, so many people say my art is cute/storybook/wholesome vibes which is funny cause i started off drawing a lot of bloody evil gorey demon things. 14 y/o me would not be happy with me for going down the route i ended up taking - i wanted to be edgy.

#my art #oc #pathos #drawing traditionally again is a big reminder that i have no set process and draw differently with every medium #i feel like i never do these sort of lines digitally. maybe because i don't have the right brushes to make it look good but idk #but also maybe i live with my work so much i see every minor difference whereas most people just see a more homogenous style #it's so funny to me that whenever i look at art that isn't my own i'm like wow this is all intentional and stylistic and cool #but i have no idea if that artist actually wanted to do that or it just happened by accident #or god forbid they don't even like what i like about their work and they see it as ugly and something to work on #anyone get me. i'm flying by the seat of my pants for so much of my process and i hate things about my work that other people might like #rambling again im sorry. it happens at night always i have 1000000 thoughts

22 notes · View notes

skitskatdacat63 · 1 month

Text

.

#lol i love seeing just straight up bullying on tiktok(/s)#someone(im guessing) went into a discord server for proshipping #and then posted their face reveals on tiktok!?!??!?!#basically saying: look how ugly and weird they look #like what the fuck #just bcs you dont agree with someones opinion ON SHIPPING #doesnt mean you should blast them on socmed?#they posted those pics in a trusted space :(#why are people so cruel and vindictive nowadays #people who make it their whole personalities to shit on pros OR antis are so embarrassing #just keep to yourself and keep your personal moral highground you know?#like they go low we go higher etc #cause on tiktok people will post very bait proshipper tiktoks #to the point where i honestly think they're 100% antis who just wanna sow discourse and disgust #like when i see those people im like just ignore them???#just dont engage man. you end up encouraging people to do worse and worse just to cause drama #but yeah antis in return will make all their posts 'correcting' these obv bait posts #like both of you get a life and just do things that make you happy. not things that obv upset you #idk it kinda sickens me how much time people devote to activities that clearly doesn't make them happy #even if youre pleased about dunking on people you morally disagree w +#wouldnt you feel happier engaging with content that yknow. fills you with genuine enjoyment?#not enjoyment fueled by disgust or morally superiority #idk some people feel like children so i shouldnt care too deeply. but the amnt of toxic behavior is so disturbing to me #the posting of faces got on my nerves badly. no matter if you disagree with someone #you shouldnt just straight up expose their face on your big acct BECAUSE OF DIFFERENCES IN SHIPPING OPINION #and the fact that the point is to imply they're all ugly. so fucking childish and disgusting #i reported but idk if that'd do anything. i wish i could have an honest dialog w people like that tbh #catie.rambling.txt

13 notes · View notes

arolesbianism · 3 months

Text

GUYS.

New dupe real! Also new pod????? Olivia is that you girlie speak to me

#rat rambles #oxygen not included #screenshots are from the steam page #there is ofc a Lot to unpack here gameplay wise and Im guessing some things will be tweaked design wise but Im lore pilled so.#anyways Im not sure how I feel abt this dupe's design but I will still welcome them with open arms hello #but more important here to me is the pod #because erm. thats a very very different looking pod.#I dont wanna jump to any conclusions or speculate too hard because chances are its just olivia getting new drip #but like. what if its not. what if this is like a new new printing pod #I assume that if it is a new pod then olivia will like be able to connect with it somehow but idk #because it rly depends on how ambitious theyd wanna be with this dlc given that to rly make a new pod thats super not olivia theyd have to #do a lot of work to make that change prevelant in the rest of the gameplay #now chances are if it is a new pod its one that doesn't have a human consciousness inside it #even if it was there rly arent many options for who it could be and no good options from a narrative standpoint #now this pod looks quite gutted so maybe it is just a normal printing pod that got kicked back online when olivia sent some guys to kick it #now heres the most negative thing Ill say abt these screenshots. the fox critters are rly ugly imo #I like the bunny guys tho WAUTWIATSWAUT WAIT #ARE THEY THE SAME SPECIES AS THE ANCIENT SPECIMEN SKELETON?#I dont think they line uo perfectly if I remember correctly but the big one has the same tusks and is also yknow big and fat like the #specimen is described to be in tbe story trait logs #Im willing to bet so much that theyre at least related in some way #maybe the one that was initially sent back in time was used as a basis for these guys or smth #my main reason for saying this is that I have to imagine these guys have to have some other purpose than being data storage #its seems that you can shave their coats which is probably the main thing but I imagine they probably drop a good amount of meat too #also important to note that they are grazers which is good to know #also I think the upside down plant is going to be this planet's muckroot equivalent #oh and for the fox deer I assume theyll be farmed for their antlers which will probably shed wood or smth #not a clue what the new plants will do but idrc #Ill care abt the gameplay after I get my new lore <3

17 notes · View notes

prolibytherium · 7 months

Text

I don't know if it's just a me thing but I don't like + cannot relate to so much romantic writing because the typical flowery descriptions of physical intimacy as this beautiful magical transformative experience are so far removed from how it feels for me

Like it's not even that I don't like that stuff but more that I'm always extremely aware of the very mundane physical aspects. I'm like 'damn this tongue is slimy and this tastes weird. Awesome'

#See prev post which I will probably delete at some point here #Honestly part of what makes physical intimacy with someone you really love so meaningful to me is that it's NOT this magical wonderful #thing it's weird and human and vulnerable and kinda gross and still feels good and you like it anyway because You love them and etc #Taking away the kind of mundane 'ugliness' and awkwardness and overly beautifying it cheapens it. For me personally at least #(Speaking in a romantic context here and not just sex as a whole. Which doesn't have to be a big thing or involve romance)

21 notes · View notes

jrueships · 27 days

Text

Bought one of my lil nephew giannis shoes for his birthday bcs he loves giannis and these are some of the ugliest fucking things I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. anyways it's his bday today so i gave them to him. but they are so ugly. he loves them

#i am not a sneakerhead #i wish i could be . finacially i can be. but mentally i cannot #i am not a car guy either. i could. but i cant mentally #bcs the only time id get smthing pretty is to look at it. and keep it safe #and then id want to km$ for not using smthing thats intended to be used bcs i hate wasted potential #once i got these rlly nice shoes #ive worn them once when i was trying them on #and i hate myself every day for doing that but also i just cant get them dirty #BUT I HATE THAT #some ppl can do that. they get a million things and only use it once and yea i COULD but psychologically i just CANT #im friends with a lot of sneakerheads and chain wearers and while i cant mentally make myself one #i can understand why they can #like ppl always wanna excuse not helping ppl by pointing at the stuff they already have #like oh u can buy urself a chain but cant buy ur momma and u a nicer place to live #like ok so credit scores are not existent then. especially when ppl use that phrase against ppl growing into crime like #yes they are making money now but is it good clean money? no. thats not gonna go into smthing long term n hefty like a house #chains are a rlly big thing bcs sometimes some jewelers just dont ask questions. hence bmf's jeweler getting roped into their crime schemes #any business can be like that btw. like michael jacksons doctor getting paid to kill him. the difficulty lvl just changes #and also. random ppl make fun of the stuff they can see or hear right in front of them #random ppl can and will make u feel bad abt any little thing they know or see the best bcs theyre assholes like that #u wear shoes all the time everywhere. thats more and more eyes noticing how old/dirty ur shoes are #or ur cars old n busted or ur phones a fucking android like it doesnt matter. the more ppl can see. the more theyll know #the more sensitive u get abt whats actually small to u at the start but big 2 them n then it gets big 2 u #anyways yea so like. i get it. i dont do it but i can see why others do #anyways yea these shoes are so ugly lol like i dont buy merch of my favs unless the style matches mine personally #he just liked them bcs they were giannis tbh n then i pointed out they were modeled after 1 of the jerseys #which made he rlly want them a while back so i surprised him today #but yea these things are ugly lol im glad he likes them but ew LMFAO

12 notes · View notes

bunnihearted · 2 months

Text

.

#ppl judge me constantly but no one understands that #im a person who is at most a third wheel. im in the way #im never the first choice. never even the 2nd option lol.#i have NEVER dated or even been asked out on a date. no one has flirted with me #im 25 yrs old and a lover girl at heart but i have never even experienced a date #or a kiss. it's normal that some ppl havent had sex or a relationship but they had their 1st kiss in 4th grade 💀#ppl dont understand what that feels like it seems like.... most ppl i talk to or tells me things abt this #or that i should 'love myself or' whatever #have all dated or are dating or have had sex or been in a relationship or been flirted with #sorry but u cannot possibly understand what it's like to be 25 and not having experienced any of that #for me it's more like... i was completely ignored while a group of boys flirted with my friends #and at the only party i was at a guy joked to his friend that he should kiss me and an entire group of guys laughed at me 🧍🏻‍♀️#i was like... i havent even asked im just standing here bc my friend wanted to go 🙃🙃🙃🙃#or the boys in my class said i was repulsive and wanted to throw up looking at me... 😔🌧💔#and sorry but like someone having seen three pics of me where i've put effort into the angle and some light flattering editing ..#cant know what i look like irl... being ugly and grotesque and hideous is smth that has been such a big thing in my entire life #maybe it's also why when i had this crush it got so much bigger and more intense bc i talked to him withou any ANY ANY at all #thoughts that he could ever ever be even slightly or remotely interested in me. and then he was.... biggest shock of my life #how could someone i liked so much ..... show interest in... *me*?#but the fear of even the smallest chance that he'd be seeing me irl and ..#finding me repulsive and ugly and grotesquely hideous .. the fear of that got so big #bc if that'd happen.. i think i'd actually curl up into a ball and die #i would never recover from that. it's bad enough when that guy i didnt even like said yeah you're ugly haha after i sent him a pic 🧍🏻‍♀️

8 notes · View notes

motionless-in-blue-socks · 9 months

Text

so. the new sleep token era...exists. i guess.

#im sorry i just do not like it 😭#why did they feel the need to give ii a ponytail #im sorry but i think its so ugly 😭🙏#iv looks cool ig #but i honestly do not like the new look it kinda feels like the band is loosing their individuality a bit #one of the things i love most about sleep token is that theyve never tried to be like other metal bands #but with this new style they just kinda look like all the other big masked bands and it just doesnt really feel like sleep token anymore #just voicing my thoughts here not trying to hate #sleep token

21 notes · View notes

gayspock · 7 months

Text

genuinely though i love and support the idea behind DIYing and thrifting a load of shit & i try to do that where i can but its absolutely unrealistic for so many ppl. especially DIY & yet ppl bring it up so cavalier.... like yeah of course its cheap when you already have all the tools, the talent, and the space to flip furniture in. but like if youre a complete amateur its genuinely scary and a complete gamble to sink a load of money, time, and resources into stuff... -_- and its like yeah. ofc its a skill that i would love to build, and i do think a base level of it is necessary. but its like... i can watch all the youtube videos i like and prep all i like. if i try to put panelling up by myself, being 5'2'' with no upper body strength, no space to work, and a physical awkwardness i can only describe as concerning, its like im gonna blow a hole in my pocket with my go-getter attitude twice as large when it comes to having to get someone to fix it too

#egg.txt #and yeah i know you dont have to start big but i do still think resources and sinking money into even small things is a fucking nightmare #too #i could try simple paint jobs and im sat here agonising over what i need to use on every type of material #lest i ruin the furniture & end up with a flaky mess for years that i cant fix #or just a fuck ugly colour #and its like realistically yeah fuck ups happen when youre learning any skill but #when its something like that and theres a significant monetary cost incurred im like ok. im out...#and thrifting too. i try my best to check whenever i go past places #but i dont have a car and the one furniture thrift place near me is open during work hours #and doesnt have anything for me #and i could go further out #and i could try to go to every place near me possible #but when you work fulltime and again. do not have transportation. and you live alone. 😭#i can do it slowly over time but i feel like the more im searching the more im just burning my time and energy

7 notes · View notes

kyouka-supremacy · 8 months

Text

—

#random rambles #Technically I'm done with this month's header since yesterday.#Practically I've been feeling so insecure about it I've been procrastinating looking for an icon or uploading it at all #Like it *was* natural to have a downgrade in themes I've said it myself a lot of times. After 24+ themes it's understandable I'd run out–#of inspiration (or even simply material) for the very cool stuff #That said. I did very much spend the whole entire day from when I woke up to when I (started studying at past 2am) went to sleep on it #That's what I get for working with the anime tbh. Bones artstyle is ugly there's little to be done about it #While making it I also came up with other two themes concepts.#One is probably going to replace September's plan and the other idk will probably slid to the next year #Idk looking at this year's planned themes lineup it all feels full of things I'm not skilled enough to make...#On top of everything this February's theme wasn't even what I had initially planned!! The one I had initially planned was a chapter 33 pane #Idk why I didn't follow up with it. Maybe I've just grown to think manga panels are too simple (terrible choice) (rip)#I think the thing that bugs me with both the initially picked image and the anime header I made yesterday–#is that there's no smooth transition with the blog. And I know it's not a big deal but pretty much all my themes do and it's bothering me..#And it shouldn't. Like nearly everyone uses an header that is sharply separate from the blog and they make it work #Uhm..............#Idk I should be studying besides.#I think I'll either go looking for an icon and see how the overall theme looks on the blog. Maybe I'll like it better then.#Or I'll just start over and see if I can use the ch 33 panel I had in mind and see if I'll like THAT better #It'd just be a shame if after all the time I've spent on it yesterday I'd just let it lie unused on my computer #There's also the fact that black and white of the manga doesn't feel very February-esque... (Don't ask)#Ugh. I hate looking for icons it's always the worst part 😭😭😭#I was considering the last Beast Atsushi illustration (because ofc I was) but idk. Idk if I can make it work.#And part of me is also like “don't use beautiful Hoshikawa Beast Atsushi on an ugly theme” LOL #But I also suffer heavily from the lack of Beast in this year's lineup.#Okay rant over. Shutting up now #Edit: If this month's theme is ugly please be kind #Edit 2: Jk I've found like four icons. Maybe I'm just very dramatic

7 notes · View notes

rooftops-are-for-towels · 3 months

Text

Realizing that the hottification of skin marks and hair and all that and the increased desirability of all that fun jazz has become another body standard for people who do not have bodies that are "conventionally attractive" to look at enough already. Shout out to people with bodies with distributions of fat or lackthereof that's considered substandard that have no fun marks and tidbits bro

#not saying these things werent considered hot in the past or whatever #but having these quotenquote ugly poorly treated features has been popularized in a way thats like. Ohhh I love these non conventionally #attractive traits!!! I love you just the way you are!!! But like in this way! Having these things makes your body type superior! Its BORING #without them!!!#which just goes back to being a body standard #and like yeah that happens it happens whatever #i just need to like. re assess my transition goals and make sure im aiming for some things for ME #not just to make my body more palatable #i used to not give a fuck and had overcome body image issues #n then i gave too much of a fuck about what some specific people thought #one can never be without influence but i must filter the waters down to MY goals for ME once more #speaking of both of these subjects and adding onto the post #tying it together... i see this a lot in transmasc spaces too. it feels like a really big thing about being masculine enough to be hot #stuff like that. ysee what im sayin? especially in fandom spaces. its either supertwink or superbear so often. fun to draw hot people lots #but gotta make sure it doesnt get to MY head at least

4 notes · View notes

helianskies · 5 months

Text

ugly maths.

i hate maths, right. i don't usually like numbers, and if i do like numbers it's gotta be an 8 or a 48 and nothing else.

thing is, i've recently caught myself doing maths again. ugly maths. the kind of maths that, really, i've been trying to avoid as much as possible because, well, it's ugly!

you... wanna see?

okay, fine... but don't say i didn't warn you!

ugly, see? look at all those numbers! not a 48 in sight!

huh? what's that? you don't see what i'm on about? oh... oh! hang on, lemme just—

better? yes? no? no? okay, what if i—

mmh, yes. ugly numbers. see it now? can you see why they're ugly?

here, i can make it worse.

these numbers are ugly. the maths they make me do is ugly.

now i'll level with you: the worst ones by far are the yellow numbers. the maths they make me do it the ugliest.

why ugly?

because it makes me ugly.

those numbers turn me into not only a suddenly number-obsessed fool, but a fool who also cannot understand these numbers and what they mean and why i feel like they reflect on me and my ability.

87, 75.

the thoughts are as follows:

• the orange numbers are big, so why are you being ugly about the yellow ones? you should be happy with what you have. so many nice big numbers! not everyone receives that.

• is it that there are two different audiences for these two different fics? perhaps. they are quite different works, with different appeals, and different themes. maybe you are reading too much into it.

• why are you obsessing over numbers anyway? you don't like maths! you left maths behind when you were 16, put it down!

okay, okay, fine! i'll put the maths down. right here, in fact!:

that 87 was an 83 at the start of the year. the 6161 it is attached to was a 5453.

4, 708.

ugly maths.

the 75 is a nice number. in fact, compared to 87, it is beautiful, radiant, enchanting. at the start of the year, 75 was 48. wow. now that is one sexy number!

27.

mmmm.

6161, 1061.

5100.

87, 75.

12.

mmmm.

you know, my most favourite comment left recently on a fic of mine was 2 characters long: :(

it made me :)

well, actually, it made me >:) because it was left in response, presumably, to one of the key scenes in a new chapter which left the exact impression on someone that i hoped it would.

they must be the only one who reacted like that, though.

1.

have i mentioned that that 87 and 75 include author responses?

i won't try to do more maths, there. it might not end well for me. the maths is making me tired enough as it is, and i have an early start tomorrow.

oh! but, that being said, i have another set of ugly numbers to show you, so keep 87 and 75 in mind.

ready?

838, 245.

(want a hint? the green numbers!)

838, 87. 245, 75.

9.6, 3.3.

ugly maths. it's ugly again, see? i don't like it. i'm seeing numbers within numbers within numbers, and i can't seem to stop!

the numbers make me ask new questions:

• why is it not good enough?

• people seem to engage more with one fic over the other, so shouldn't you prioritise?

• is all this maths this really good for you?

no, it isn't.

i want to avoid ugly maths. ugly maths makes me want to tear my hair out. it makes me want to start from scratch. it makes me want to grab someone and scream. it makes me want to cry and press a button that has tempted me many times before when the numbers become too ugly to bear.

ugly maths turn me into an ugly person.

ugly maths make me obsessive, paranoid, anxious, regretful, vindictive, spiteful, alone.

i hate maths. i hate numbers, just like, it feels, the numbers hate me.

#helia rants #cw vent #i'm okay but i'm not #this has been playing on my mind over the last couple of weeks #it's aimed at the sky rather than anyone here #i know i'm not the best myself as commenting. i justify it to myself by affirming i don't read much. which i don't.#since the start of the year i have tried to comment on everything i have read #bearing in mind i may also dm someone rather than comment because i want to scream and ramble about their fic more personally #that being said. i know i'm not the only one who finds themselves doing ugly maths #and in turn starting to feel uglier too #i don't like looking at the numbers #i was doing well at the start of the year #but as i open my drafts and look to a new chapter and at the notes i wrote #i can't stop myself from opening the fic. from seeing where it's at. from seeing if it's changed. from checking my inbox to see if...#if only...#what it's meant is that i've come to a point where a fic i loved has become exactly that: a fic i loved. past tense #the other fic is still a fic i love. but i know deep down that that is tied to the numbers too #i hate that this is what i've become #because i have tiny fics. fics with 50 hits and maybe 1 comment. and i love them. i still love them #but when it comes to the big ones. the multi-chapters. the hefty fics. after a point all i see are numbers #and those numbers have come to determine both my happiness and fulfilment as a writer #and so i am ugly. i am sad. i am pathetic.#and i don't know how to stop.#helia's stuff #this was meant to save back into my drafts. i was editing tags. tumblr decided it should post. so... so be it.#also this is not an attention thing if anyone dares go 'oh but you're a good writer uwu' i might do something we'll all regret #this is also not a 'ffs comment on my fics will you 😒' hell no #it's just about me. and my issue. and my unhealthy relationship with these fucking numbers.#gotta get this shit out of my head somehow :)

4 notes · View notes

sailor-aviator · 1 year

Text

.

#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point #i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one #i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit #and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair #and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again #i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl #and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it #and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill #and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with #and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own #i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person #and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks #also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me #and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now #and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do #and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this #but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me #and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end #anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down

11 notes · View notes