#and I have that interview on Tuesday as well
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The worst part is not that i procrastinated my term paper to the last minute. I always do that. The worst part is having to send my lecturer the topic proposal a week before the deadline which will undoubtedly be met with some extreme judgment of my time management and i am not in the mood for that
#like boy#if we didn't need to message you about the topic I'd have made one up a week from now and written everything#within 2 days#don't judge me for how i get this done#just evaluate the end result thank you very much#but ok i finally send him an email#you know what's funny is that I'm not even anxious about this#idk what happened to me but the usual panic and mental breakdown i have when it comes to proposing topics and#sending emails is just not present#I'm just so done lmao#i have my first quiz tomorrow morning in one lecture and i have to give my first peer tutoring session in another seminar#next tuesday which involves writing a 14 pages long summary of the topics of the last 2 lectures and then presenting it to my peers#and I have that interview on Tuesday as well#i love everything#at least time flies by this way#I've been counting days until i get back home and this way it feels like I'll be back in no time#(it's not that i hate it here. i just don't know what else to look forward to so seeing my dogs again seems appropriate#i just generally don't enjoy anything so this is not different which i knew beforehand#love to get judged for it ♡)#void screams#academic misery
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job searching, despite the tons of applications I've put in and the stupid fancy new resume i made, has been going very badly
My mental health has just been absolute garbage type bad, which is why I've been stuck in this slump of not doing anything other than suffering...
I'm working on getting my medications sorted out, which is helping me with this problem, but it's taking time and I'm dealing with my insurance denying everything (bcs I'm also in the process of getting approved for a hysterectomy AND a dermatologist and insurance doesn't like that) and getting a new psychiatrist
I'm always still gratefully accepting any tips/donations to help me out while I don't have a job :') Here's my Ko-Fi 💖
Art in return will be back as soon as I'm finished with my queue once I'm able to manage things (when I say my mh has been bad... I mean like bad bad. the kind of bad you dont talk about online usually)
Today after buying some food and body wash I have $11.86 in my bank, and blood work coming up Friday the 28th, as well as a few bills that autopay at the beginning of each month and will overdraft my bank ($58 for one and $66 for another, $124 total)
I've actually also been trying to look into getting help with SSI because I was fired due to mental disability, but that hasn't been going well either. I'm still trying to get legal help on my behalf 🫡 will update on that too if anything changes...
I'm feeling really awful about all of this. It weighs on me very heavily and makes trying to get out of this depression worse, and I've been putting this off for a while because of how embarrassed I am. But I'm struggling a whole lot and ignoring it is just making it worse :') I really appreciate any shares and help 💖 My gratitude to my amazing community is immeasurable 💖🥹
#i do actually have this group interview thing next Tuesday the 1st of aug.#so hopefully that goes well...#otherwise im still just stuck in this fucked up depression. trying to do what i can#my mh has been so bad. ive been having horrible manic episodes and multiple serious times of considering kms#shit has just. not been good#im sorry to just show up and make a stupid little post here#im doing my best 🫡 mybest is just pitiful right now#ko-fi#sunflower commissions#sunflower's art#any typos pls ignore my brain isnt working good 👍👍
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anyway i’m posting a lot becuase in eight hours i will be receiving a call determining my fate re: the only job in my 5 month hunt and 100+ applications that i have had more than just a phone interview for and i am too nervous to sleep
#i have only had one other phone interview. it was last week#i’ve got another scheduled tuesday also#but. based on the conversations this first one would be a really good fit and i like how they’ve structured their department and like.#i actually. want to work there. as much as i want to work anywhere#and if i get a yes i can actually start the process of securing an apartment and making solid moving plans but if it’s a no. well.
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well that was a fast fucking interview LMFAO
#for context: interview was scheduled for four. as i type it is four oh two.#they got my availability (completely available) over the phone and just like. asked why i wanted to work there and if i was in high school#or not and i had to be like. well. im in college. itd just be for the summer.#and they were like great ^_^ well we're interviewing soooo many people if your availability works out we'll email you ^_^#and i was out the door. i mean i got there a few minutes before four but all the same.#the guy had a lot of fucking hot sauce bottles on his desk. like three. and i saw someone from high school. but ultimately: hm.#well if this doesnt pan out i have an interview for a. heavy sigh. trampoline place on tuesday.#originally it was a phone interview and now its like. okay well. why couldnt that have been over the phone why am i here.#it was a seven minute drive but STILL. I IRONED MY SHIRT AND IM ALREADY DONE?
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do you ever feel casually suicidal? like you're not depressed or anything you're doing fine but also it feels like a convenient option
#if you can't make connections with people or be seen by anyone then like. at least you can feel like you're helping a better cause#to like charities and gfms and anyone else#but you have to tone that down bc you're slowly losing money bc you still can't get a job#and bc you don't have a job it means you're just stuck in the house all day. which gives Way Too Much opportunity to Think about everything#and also so like. i still share a room with my sister but it was fine bc she'd stay at her bf's a few nights a week#but he's got a job that's a bit further away and basically she can't go round his as much. so now it's maybe like once a week#the room is getting messier so it gives me less energy to do anything#you can get really into an unhealthy weight loss obsession bc at least it feels like you're getting towards something#but idek is set weight theory real? bc once i get down to a certain point it suddenly resets#like honestly counting calories and donating money to every gfm i saw and writing a film script was what kept me going#but first one isn't working and second i need some sort of income and third is finished and i have no way of actually creating it#and then there's the whole lack of stable hyperfixation and ability to find new music i enjoy#and realistically what would fix me is having a good job that i enjoy and somewhere to live on my own#but until i get a job that's currently impossible. and even then it probably won't feel like enough#my entire life is lived on my phone i need more physical objects but i don't have enough space#bc i share a room with my sister. it's like all my problems are connected#and i have enough optimism that i still think it'll get better in the next few weeks. maybe i'll be able to get a job and that'll#get everything going again#but at the same time i could easily just die#I've graduated from uni. I've seen the who live 3 times. I've crashed my car twice. I've watched 30 years of corrie. I've met various dogs#what else is there to do with my life honestly#(<- joking)#but yeah like. in summer 2021 i almost got suicidal (it was just letting the occasional thought linger in my mind etc)#but that was bc i was so depressed#but now it feels like i could just kill myself. but more just out of convenience#idek. i'm not gonna kill myself. bc i have a job interview on tuesday. and just in general i won't#but there is this casual feeling of like. well i might as well. i can't describe it#ramble#suicide tw#weight loss mention
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had the most mediocre interview of my life for a job I'm 100% qualified for on paper it's the worst feeling
#I mean I'm also stupid bc I didn't sleep#and I didn’t prepare for the most basic-ass interview questions that I KNOW I'm going to be asked 90% of the time#“what's your proudest achievement” and I stare at the screen like I've never done anything to feel proud of in my life#why am I like this#anyway I think if I do the translation test really well I might still have a chance#(timed translation test my beloathed)#also I'm interviewing for another higher paying job on tuesday so there's that#*#job hunting
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OH MY DAYS I GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK EVER TRANSFERRED
#IM RICH!#sham!s rambles#i COULD spend the money immediately (lowkey have to book an expensive train ride) buttt... i need a new laptop#ALSO.... maybe uhm ill invest a LITTLE money.... in acrylics :))) but well see#i have a job interview on tuesday 💪
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i will be significantly less tightly clenched once i have an acceptance to at least one mba program bc it’ll mean i have an escape from my job and also that i’m not stuck in my current career
#I have an interview for a program on Tuesday. really hoping it goes well#cannot describe just how clenched my butthole is in the meantime#rachel says a thing
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At long last….I have completed all assignments for the semester. It is Done
#text#we just have one more class tomorrow but it’s just a debriefing session & I’ll be done by 1pm!!! done!!!!!!#will definitely be grabbing a nice lunch & a lil treat afterwards cause God….#this semester was Rough..#but it’s over!!!!!!!#there are definitely so many things I would’ve done better…but oh well. now I know.#so now it’s just the waiting game for grades#I found out I only have to remediate one section of that horrible case study exam so at least my meeting w/ the prof will be brief lmao#just one more day of class..& meeting w/ my voice clinic supervisor…& I’m done!!#but then I do have to prep for my externship interview next Tuesday lol#nerve-wracking but hopefully I get it#just……..one more day
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the GOOD thing is that I technically have next week too do to the incredibly basic and obvious thing I needed to practice and haven’t yet because I was too scared to ask. the other good thing is that both the people in the room told me ‘great job’ when I went home so I have to think I did something right!!
#it's good we have 15 weeks 😭 how tf are some of these girls charting already my lady didn't want me to chart at ALL my first day so I have#zero practice with it now#apparently the same lady who told me how to do something very basic sat down my coworker and told her to do it all herself#my coworker is brilliant and speedy but do I really look THAT more incompetent???#anyway I was frustrated today because I wanted to do a lot and I wasn't allowed to but by the end I guess just going for it really worked#I do like scrubbing#it's a lot to work up to though#like those massice cases with dozens of sutures and multiple surgeons asking for stuff#whew. but how good it will feel to master it as well#anyway I haven't done a single interview but I've watched a lot! and I technically have next week too#tuesday was really my chance but my lady had a system and I didn't want to interrupt#alas. next week#hmm. plastics and OFMS. hope that doesn't overwhelm me lmao#cor.txt
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human version the zoomies after reading my favourite fivetegan fic. gotta run around, scratch and bite the arm of a couch, bury face in carpet and scream. it’s 11 pm.
#there JUST SOMETIHNG BAOYUT SEVEN MINUTES UFYH I CAN"T COEP#random#i am like. this far away#from chewing on the vase of daffodils and snowdrops in front of the monitor#i am not feeling well brainwise. too much.#i think the sheer amount of stress over the past few days is getting to me. i need to go up the local mountain and scream.#like. friday emailed with hey you didn't get this job but interested in this one with us? then interview saturday and he said he'd get back#to me/not get back to me Tuesday/Wednesday then emailed me that very afternoon did i want a second interview monday. the last four days#have just.... been a lot. plus having to be Normal™ in both interviews on top of the general stress leading up to them. i should read some#more stuff that makes me absolutely batshit just to work off the sheer stress energy built up. draw lots of scrawly loose art. have a cry.#please. feel free to recommend stuff that makes you a bit insane.
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Now that one month has passed the time started racing again and i feel like I'm almost home again and have no time left here lmao
#like what#I've filled up my weekends with city trips#got 5 planned now#busan‚ gwangju‚ gyeongju‚ sokcho‚ and daegu#and one time suwon somewhere in between there#so essentially half of my weekends are booked out and i have a lot of work to do for uni as well#so time will fly by#it's almost scary#i still haven't done much in seoul either so i want to do something small (like one activity) every weekend I'm here now#i should go to the national museum tomorrow so i start Doing stuff this weekend already#i wanna go for another run tomorrow morning too if my legs feel up for it (because oh boy did it feel nice to run and i work out a lot at#home and don't usually get extremely sore because i think my body is used to most of the movements but this took me out#i love it though. love some sore muscles)#anyway#i also have to write my term papers now and finish my assignment for tuesday and prepare for that stupid interview#I'm having fun here#void screams
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Tfw i avoided dealing with applicants for like 2 weeks so I had to play catch up today. Stayed like 2 hours late reviewing all 20 ish applications we got in this time, contacted 12, and I have a confirmed 4 interviews for this week with a prospective 2 more
Look at me being all manager-y lmao
#speculation nation#most of them r on tuesday bc thats my set long manager shift n lmao#confirmed 1:30. 3. and 4 on that day. prospective 2 and 2:30 (waiting to hear confirmation)#with One on wednesday! bc the person isnt available until then#lmfao i really am playing catch up big time but THAT is okay. We Good#god tho i really understand that one class that addressed resumes now. how they were like Keep It Short#bc recruiters dont have time to read big massive resumes lmao. & god thats so real#zipped down to education to know what i was dealing with. Then looked at prior work experience. Then availability.#education relevant Primarily so i can know when/if theyve graduated high school#bc not graduating isnt an automatic deletion. but it's good to know Especially for if someone's a minor or not#we already have a lot of high schoolers rn lol so im kinda leaning more towards Not in high school for this stuff#aside from that it's mostly assessing capability based on what little evidence there is. + how long they would be likely to stay#there really is so much going into reviewing all this lmao. & oh god i really am the obnoxious kind of employer kind of#like not Really. im giving everyone a chance should they fit within the criteria we require for hiring.#but a few ppl messaged us asking up on their applications n those ppl get mental points in their favor for caring about our position#caring enough to ask after it at least lol#ultimately im reserving judgement for interviews. but tbh theres a few ppl im on the fence about contacting#that r in the vague status of 'will pursue if they contact us first'. which is SO obnoxious of me actually but like#there r way too many ppl i have to consider for this. if im not sure how well a person will fit here then them putting that extra effort#is a great way of convincing me that theyre worth my time#that kind of thing of like. if They show they care then i'll end up caring more too#theres actually a high schooler i Probably wouldnt have considered but bc she messaged very actively im interviewing her too#reserving judgement. still have my doubts. but bc she put in that effort im gonna give her a chance.#ah. thus is the life of a fucking recruiter i guess lmao. god i hate it
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stressed about something dumb again
#the other day when i got the call about my job offer my new manager told me my orientation would be next tuesday#and he told me the time but he said ‘we’ll send you an email with all this information as well’#and i was so relieved about getting the job that i just immediately forgot the time bc i was like well they’ll email it to me anyway#and he emailed me with the official offer and my onboarding paperwork right after but neither email had the orientation time in it#and i’m pretty sure i remember the time but i might just be thinking of the time my interview was at#and obviously i don’t want to show up late but i’m so nervous about emailing to ask what time it is#like it shouldn’t be a big deal at all to ask for a reminder but i feel like that’s so embarrassing when i haven’t even started work yet#so idk i’m waiting a few more days to see if i get another email but i might have to reach out to make sure and i’m scareddd#lj.txt
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guys. i am. exhausted.
#i went to the job interview today#they’ll call me on monday#and i am stressing the hell out bc i really want this job but i don’t know how to get out of work on monday if they want me for another#interview since it needs to move really quickly so it has to be monday or tuesday if they offer me another interview#and my brain is running wild trying to come up with a solution i don’t know how to do that#and i should be reading for book club tomorrow but holy shit i cannot concentrate at all what the fuck#i’m mentally spiraling rn i need to snap out of it idk what’s going on in my head#it went so well i’ve never left an interview with such a pleasant feeling before#but it’s also scary#and what if i get it? and then i have to quit my current job which is also fucking terrifying#idk why but it is#shit#» confidential
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I love having no idea what’s going on. Like this is fine actually. I don’t mind this
#induction for my new job starts on monday and most of it is online but i don’t know whether they want me to go there physically (to do the#induction stuff on a work laptop in the staff room) or if i can do it at home#i mean either way; i need to go in at some point to pick up my laptop and ID badge and meet my colleagues#and the departmental induction and a lot of the mandatory training is on campus and in person#it’s really just the nonspecific induction stuff that all staff need to go through that’s online#and in the email that HR sent me with the itinerary and stuff; they said my manager would be in touch to let me know whether they want me#to go physically to campus or to do the online induction at home. and they should also set up a time to meet me to do the departmental#induction and get me my ID and stuff since i can’t physically get into the building without another employee#well i haven’t heard from them and induction starts at 9:30 on monday. should i just assume if i haven’t heard anything that i can just do#everything online and wait for them to contact me to set up a meeting some time in the week?#i don’t know who exactly my manager is. if i did then i could search for them on teams#but three people interviewed me and as far as i could tell two of them have the exact same job. one of them is taking over from the other#i think; but i have no idea which is which#i just don’t want to get in trouble for doing the induction at home if it turns out they want me on campus#i mean i don’t think they can realistically get mad at me for something i didn’t know they wanted me to do? like i need to arrange travel#i take public transport. if you want me there you need to let me know so i can book a ticket#otherwise i will stay at home and do the online induction using my fully functioning laptop. like…#the campus will be closed at 5. i doubt anyone will contact me over the weekend. or early enough monday morning for me to get a train#that would arrive by 9:30. i’m just going to do the induction stuff on monday at home#if no one contacts me by like tuesday afternoon when the departmental induction is supposed to take place and i’m supposed to meet#my manager; i might just reach out to HR. just like ‘hey i haven’t heard from anyone in my department; can you just confirm with them#that they know i’m starting and they’re ready for me to go in and get set up? thanks’ and leave them to it#it’ll be fine. i think#personal
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