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absolutebl · 1 year

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This Week In BL - Korea is coming after your office romance crown, Japan

March 2023 Wk 3

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs. Organized by which ones (in each category) I’m enjoying most.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Bed Friend (Sat YT, GaGa & iQIYI uncut) ep 6 of 10 - (sorry, yes I knew they extended it to 10, and I don’t think it’s a good sign) I thought the kink moment was kinda cute, and it illustrates the best thing about f-buddy relationships, license to play and explore. Also language play! (You know phi/nong is also for pets, right?) Poor Uea never gets to keep a grain of happiness very long - so now he’s pushing it away and self isolating. Sigh, I do hope there is happiness for a few eps at the end of all this trauma.

Future (Thai Sun YouTube & Gaga) ep 1 of 5 - Based on a y-novel by Faddest (En of Love) about an engineering student and a dentist. Expect this one to stay soft, it’s from the 21 Day Theory people. I LOVE it. Bad sound and wooden acting but this is a classic old school Thai pulp. Older shy (but delightfully manipulative) sweetie dentist Ana with crush on younger sappy sunshine jock engineering student, Fuse. Very much a puppy/cat pairing. I admit, knowing all the various characters’ back stories means everything makes more sense. The friends’ conversations make me laugh a lot, but this is a very talkie show, with not awesome subs, so certainly not for everyone. I’ve already rewatched the first ep 3x.

Pastsenger (Thai Weds Gaga) 3 of 12 eps - I enjoy that its the tsundere uke developing feelings first. Unusual approach. I also like that fake dating is being deployed to protect the girl from a stalker. It’s silly but I’m starting to like this show more.

A Boss and a Babe (Fri YouTube) ep 4 of 12 - Honestly, the boss character isn’t really that tsundere. He’s basically a big old softy. Also baby boy very jelly. I would be too. Ex is v hot. But we keep being told things about these 2 characters but not shown said things on screen. Like the writers think they are telling one story but what we are watching is completely different. It’s... odd.

Tin Tam Jai (Tues Gaga & iQIYI) ep 4 of 12 - Aw, P’Park has an emotional support uke. OMG they brought the flirty faen fatal crumb back! YES. I love him.

The Promise (Thai Weds YT) ep 4 of 10 - Good advice about secrets. It better come out and it better be a good reason... like witness protection. I am starting to get annoyed and feel manipulated the more they drag it out. But from the preview it seems like next week brings the PAIN. I have never been more ready.

Chains of Heart (Sat iQIYI) ep 6 of 10 - Will I ever understand this show? I hate that such good acting and chemistry is squandered on such an incomprehensible script. Is the “Korean doctor thread” a set up for Lue actually being Din (dead lover) with a new face? Because I suspected that at the beginning but if that’s the big twist in this narrative it’s a super clumsy twist. I hope they don’t. I’d rather it’s that Din turned himself into Ken - creepy, but less predictable.

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Our Dating Sim (Korea Thurs Viki) eps 5-6 of 8 - Miracles of miracles: The kissing is even good in this one! Aw, baby wants to be courted. The redial phone call flirt had me flappy-handing and cackling. How are they THIS cute? It hurts my heart, two nerds in love. Also being linguistically outed at work is my new favorite trope ever. I rewatched these 2 eps an embarrassing number of times. (Warning, it looks like we got us a classic 1yr Kdrama separation coming down the line. PLEASE subvert this trope ODS. PLEASE.)

All the Liquors (Korea Thurs Gaga & Viki) eps 7-8 fin - I guess I just don’t get over-dramatic angst about silly things. The premise of this show seems to be overreaction to some stuff, under-reaction (more typical KBL) to everything else. So not allergic but an alcoholic grandma who drank herself to death? Cute confession and kiss. They are so shy and sweet with each other. For a Korean drama this had a great ending which elevated it a lot over the many other KBLs of this type (Tasty, Sweet, Ocean, etc..)

Final thoughts: A pretty classic foodie set KBL that managed to distinguish itself from others in this category by having a particularly satisfying final episode centered around found family. Sunshine sweetie soju rep gets involved with a shy introverted chef who doesn’t drink. Has a somewhat uneven plot, but If you are looking for a restaurant BL with Korea’s signature softness, then this is a great option. FYI I may identify with our baby party boy hedonist more than any other BL lead ever presented. 8/10

I present actual footage of P’ABL whispering in your shell-like about what you should watch next...

Unintentional Love Story (Korea Thurs iQIYI) 3-4 of 10 - (here’s how I am getting it) ALL THE TROPES these 2 eps. Cohabitation! Pretty house! Flirting. Ooo evil agent ex? White towel sponge bath doesn’t get deployed by Korea very often. Other thoughts: Why does the ceramicist’s car look like a hearse? How is Gongchan SO CUTE? Boyfriends-to-be eating together is great. So many self-worth issues in this one no wonder @heretherebedork loves it. (This is an unexpectedly long series, too. 10 eps and each one is over 30 min. That’s crazy for a KBL = Light on Me territory.)

A Shoulder to Cry On (Korea Tues Viki & Gaga) eps 3-4 of 7 - this sort of emotional and mental manipulation (from narrative and characters) meets bully romance isn’t my thing. (And should be left up to Japan if it must exist at all IMHO.) Ultra cringe, humiliation, and emotional torture for everyone! (What is this, fan fic?) Result: therapy is needed for everyone, including me, who continues to have trust issues with this show.

Jack o’Frost (Japan Fri GaGa) ep 6 fin - delayed until next week

It’s Airing But ...

Love Syndrome (Thai Sat WeTV) stopped at ep 2 of 12 - I’m just not into any aspect of it (except Lee Long Shi and I can watch him in Tin Tem Jai) - saving to binge if the end is solid.

Blue Sky Complex (Japan ???) 5 eps for VR - adaptation of Kei Ichikawa's manga started Feb 27 on 360 Channel (SHOCHIKUch) a VR distribution service. Will inter-fans ever get to see this, and if it’s filmed for VR will it adapt without being overly dark and fuzzy? I have questions. But as usual, you do you Japan and we will wait (im)patiently to see if you remember the rest of the world exists. This is my preferred kind of live action yaoi, so fingers crossed.

Boyband (Thai) ep 2 of 10 - Stopped airing on YouTube, and only available in Thailand & Japan. Not sure if they’re working a distribution deal or just fucking with us.

Cafe In Love (Thai ???) 10 eps on Ch3+ - Thai pulp, about trying to save a coffee shop. FairyGodBLer came through for me, but I’m collecting to binge just in case. It’s my new policy with the grey stuff.

Destiny Seeker (Tues WeTV Thailand) 10 eps - it’s not on any WeTV I can get ahold of. Bad Buddy the pulp rebirth meets Japanese handsome host club action. Same as above.

Make a Wish (Thai Weds ?) from WaGa Creative staring Fluke Natouch (OhmFluke UWMA etc...) & Judo (The Miracle Of Teddy Bear) in a medical-fantasy. It seems to be a light-hearted romance with a comedic flair. About a doctor who sees ghosts and a deity who resides in a Bodhi tree that earns merits whenever he fulfills a wish based on a y-novel by Sammon (Manner of Death, Triage). Too hard to find.

In other news

I finished watching Why You... Y Me (hold over from last year). It’s basically Puppy Honey + a band + excessive fujoshi, so NOT my jam, but the main BL side is nicely handled love triangle, if that’s your thing. There is a tiny gem of a story (buried in amongst the rest of this nonsense) about friendship, support, love, and owning your identity. But BL is very much the secondary plot here and the main plot is AWFUL so I can’t give it more than 5/10. Still it’s all on YT if you wanna give it a try.

I also finished The End Of The World, With You AKA Bokura no Micro na Shuumatsu. (Speaking of Japan psychologically bullying us.) Conclusion? It’s not BL (no BL tropes used, a sub-genre is defined by its tropes, BL is a sub-genre of gay romance). It’s a quirky road trip found family gay drama/romance. It’s fine if you like this kinda artsy tortured character thing. I don’t. But it’s well done high heat from Japan so... 6/10 I guess?

Next Week Looks Like This:

The Eighth Sense starts weds Viki, I’m thinking this is KBL doing JBL style again, so no promises on an HEA for this one. It’s giving me. His (the series) feels. But it could be more in the Blueming vein. Remains to be seen.

Full list of upcoming in March 2023 is here.

2023 forthcoming BL master post. (see comments, some are inaccurate, NOT KEPT UPDATED)

This Week’s Adventure in Captions

Actually, Fuse said meeha which is usually translated as wifey (there are other slang words for bottom). Fuse is trying to establish a sexual and romantic dynamic where he plays “the male role” and he is doing this with Ana for several reasons: 1. Ana made the first move. 2 Ana is older.

This is definitely one of those were the captions are OK but old-fashioned, it helps to know the common used terms and parlance. They are ALSO never saying boyfriend, they are always saying faen (gender neutral).

THIS WEEK’S BEST MOMENT

I really liked this phrasing (Boss & Babe).

Double date!

The cuteness, it burns us. How is Gongchan a 2nd gen idol, nearly 30, and still the ultimate macknae? Inquiring minds would like his immortality pill, please and thank you. (Unintentional Love Story)

Another gay cactus baby! (Why did tumblr lose its mind over this? Here’s the BL meme primer)

I love it when a show calls out it’s own tropes.

I also love it when a show accurately reviews itself.

All from Our Dating Sim.

(last week)

Current Kpop earworm? Okay so Ireah on Peak Time did a bitty cover of Bad Love by Hynn and now I’m obsessed with it. I like her original a lot but I really want him to drop a full cover of it someday.

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thelonewolf48 · 1 year

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MSHD Episode 4 Season 3

As always, spoilers ahead!

I need to continue watching cuz dad isn't gonna watch anytime soon and I really don't want to get spoiled... more than I already have. So, let's watch!

This time I'm not watching with the English subs because I do want to make separated posts about the subs... But if you want me to check them or any particular dialogue, just let me now!

This will be my live reaction and not a rewatch! So, let's go!

Let me see if I understood correctly... After 3 episodes and probably like a week or maybe 2 weeks? A month? Both of them are already thinking of what to say to each other's families because oops, you know what? I'm not gay/into this woman? Excuse me. What?

And I see where they are going now! Not even a minute into the episode and they will have to keep pretending to be a couple or they will lose their LGBTQ+ investors... I'm.... Not even a full minute and I'm rolling my eyes...

WOW! For a hot second I forgot when Cynthia and Pablo got together! Then I remembered they're business partners with benefits....

They're not dating but they get possessive and jealous...

Ana and Mariana make a quite long(? I guess? Because I don't know how long it takes to reach there) travel by car and they don't use the air-con? RIGHT... RIGHT... But then, in the next wide-shot they windows are up... I see you editing errors, I see you! LOL

WE GOT LIKE ONE MINUTE OF THE MAIN PROTAGONISTS WTF!

Also, I feel a little bad for Victor... Like poor him, trying to make his father proud and just getting scolded by him. I feel you man, I feel you... And then he will fight with Tere, I'm seeing the future!

I still don't understand what's going on with Juan Carlos. Can someone explain me? I'm- I know maybe they doing this as a joke and so we can laugh at him a little but, it's not funny and we could cut it out and still would make sense

I feel absolutely disturbed with whatever it's going on that therapy? thing... WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DO THAT TO HIM? Is it meant to make him feel better? I would walk out deeply offended. Therapy or not, they shouldn't do that to him.

Disturbing and cheap writing and it's not even funny.

The gaslight Victor suffers, it's one very familiar. Is it a Mexican thing though?

And no, it's not a sign... and a relationship shouldn't start that way. Writers want to sell me that JC finds love after this whatever weird ass thing happened and that woman likes him because he cried?

The room that the lady gave our girls gives me war flashbacks to when my family and I used to go pass some days with relatives in quiet and really small town. We used to rent some house that was small, like it only had one room that acted as a living, dinning, bedroom, and kitchen and another that was a VERY small bathroom

Something like that, Mexican people might know around where I live now because of this lol But anyway, later on my relatives added more rooms to their house and eventually always stayed in a room very similar the lady gave them! (I miss those days)

Anyway... Don't tell me they have sex while drunk...PLEASE DON'T TELL ME... UGGHHHHH

I mean, I'm surprised Victor and Tere are the only adults these season... They communicate, they understand, they talk, they try to deal with stuff even when it's not easy.

Kudos to them!

"I like who you are. Well, what I'm getting to know about you" says that woman which name slips my mind to Juan Carlos... Errr, excuse me, you don't know him. He could be really bad for you! Never believe it! Run, JC, run! LOL

Drunk Ana is cute though.

She wants to write a romance novel, about her and Mariana. And she says it while looking at Mariana THAT way

AND THEY KISSED!!!!!!!!!LASKJDHFSJHDFJSDHFDS

AND THEY

I mean, once my sapphic/shipper heart recovered... I want to say this episode is just BAD. The only thing I can save from it is Victor and Tere. Cynthia and Pablo are just a mess too. JC jumps from woman to woman (like a person I know) while not finishing to process the break up and his failed marriage. Gives me the impression he just doesn't know how to be alone and love himself, he has to have someone to show him some love so he can move on.

And, fine! I love that my ship moved forward and kissed but I HATE THAT THEY HAD TO BE DRUNK AND AWKWARD THE DAY AFTER. If from here things changed, a little awkward but still moving towards love, fine... but if they throw me Ferran again and they go separate ways Imma flip.

#mshd spoilers #dfam #madre sólo hay dos #daughter from another mother #spoilers #Episode 4 #I'm not surprised but still disappointed #And if you find typos ignore them

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pagesandpothos · 9 days

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May Reading Recap

I read some great books in May! I started off the month a little slow but I found my stride mid-month and ended the month with 3 new 5-star reads. Here's everything that I read in May and my thoughts on each:

For Real by Alexis Hall 🌈

The characters feel very real and I love the growth they sparked in each other. How much I ended up loving them together really surprised me. This is one of my favorites by Alexis Hall and one of the best in the "Spires" series. It's super spicy and made me cry a little too!

🌕🌕🌕🌕

The Emperor and the Endless Palace by Justinian Huang 🌈

This is a blend of two queer Chinese love stories, Passion of the Cut Sleeve and Huang Jiulang, reimagined into a reincarnation story. The concept of this is brilliant but the execution wasn't 100% successful.

The characters and relationships all felt flat and unlikeable to me and the second half of the book felt rushed.

It's also not a romance, so this may be a case of the book's marketing leading to incorrect expectations. Don't go into this thinking it is going to be a romantic, grand love story. This is not that at all!

🌕🌕.

The Last Time I Lied by Riley Sager

Great twists and turns with creepy Summer camp vibes. One of the best from Riley Sager!

🌕🌕🌕🌕🌘

Everyone in My Family Has Killed Someone by Benjamin Stevenson

The most fun I've ever had reading a mystery! I love the humor and how meta it is.

🌕🌕🌕🌕

MrBallen Presents: Strange, Dark & Mysterious by MrBallen, Robert Venditti, and Andrea Mutti

An upcoming graphic novel of spooky stories that I think is a successful addition to MrBallen's growing storytelling empire. As a long-time fan, I found his stories in this format to be really entertaining and I hope this is not the only graphic novel he releases. I'd love to see this become a series!

I will 100% be reading this again when it officially releases and I think it may become a yearly reread for me around Halloween. I highly recommend it for all fans of the strange, dark, and mysterious!

🌕🌕🌕🌕

The Tainted Cup by Robert Jackson Bennett 🌈

"What a tool cynicism is to the corrupt, claiming the whole of the creation is broken and fraudulent, and thus we are all excused to indulge in whatever sins we wish - for what's a little more unfairness, in this unfair world?"

Plant magic, great worldbuilding, giant monsters, a complex whodunit murder mystery, and a Holmes/Watson-esque duo on the case.... this book has it all! I seriously love the two main characters so much. Ana is ridiculous and so funny. Din is so charming. I need more of them ASAP!

This book had me hooked from the very beginning and I can't say enough good things about it. This is one of the best books I've read all year (maybe even the best)!

🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕

Coup de Coeur by Halli Starling 🌈

Interesting characters and plot but the pacing felt a little off at times. The ending is a cliffhanger that sets up a potentially exciting sequel.

🌕 🌕 🌕

A Good Girl's Guide to Murder by Holly Jackson

Completely addictive and very fun. I could not put this down! This reminded me a little of season 1 of Veronica Mars, in the best way.

🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕

The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi by Shannon Chakraborty 🌈

This has been on my TBR for about a year and I'm so glad I finally got around to reading it. I genuinely loved every second of reading this and I did not want it to end.

🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕

Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books by Kirsten Miller 🌈

A funny, heartfelt, compassionate, and very relevant story about the power of books. I could not put this down!

🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕 🌕

How did I do with my reading goals?

I read one of my Book of the Month titles (The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi) and one from Aardvark Book Club (The Tainted Cup). Those were two of my 5-stars for the month!

I read every day in May and read a total of 3,505 pages.

I continued 1 series ("Spires") that I’m in the middle of.

Most of the books (90%) that I read this month were over 300 pages.

I finished one book (The Adventures of Amina al-Sirafi) from my 2024 Priority TBR!

Other Stats:

I read 10 books and my average rating was 4.05. 70% of the books I read this month were in print format and 30% were ebooks.

My top tags were: LGBTQIA+, Mystery, and Fantasy.

#monthly recap #books

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noirshadow · 3 years

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New Beginnings - Ch. 1

I couldn't get this idea out my head and just had to write it. Let me know what you think!

Summary: It was supposed to be a fresh start for Mal and Alina. A chance to try to mend their relationship and new beginnings in a new town. And then she meets him.

A Darklina Neighbors Alternate AU. 🌘

AO3 link

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The new house was supposed to make things better. Alina looked out the window as she washed the dishes, giving a big sigh. It was nice that the new house was bigger, but it almost felt like it had forced the distance between her and Mal even wider. There were more places to hide, easier opportunities to avoid each other.

This was only their second year of marriage but it was doomed from the start. Yes, they were childhood friends but when Mal had finally asked Alina out in their third year of college, the old Mal she knew was already barely there. There were still glimpses of his old self, but they were few and far between. She cherished those in her mind, clinging onto those moments so that she couldn’t forget. With those memories on a pedestal in her mind, Alina had deluded and convinced herself into thinking this could work long term. Mal had been obsessed with his career and status and proving a point to his parents, who didn’t think they could ever do better for themselves and who in turn, ingrained this self-deprecation into their son.

After several years of hardly speaking to each other, Alina had approached Mal with an ultimatum - something had to change. His initial reaction was of shock. A total blindside, from his point of view. He was barely home, always at work or some leadership seminar or other, but when he was home, Alina always played dutiful wife. It was probably partially her fault that he didn’t think anything was wrong. She was also always radiant and charming when she needed to be, like at every work function as she was led around the room meeting all his bosses and senior management of the firm. Unsurprisingly, as was standard of their relationship, he misunderstood the root cause of the issues and decided that a new home and a new environment would be the solve.

—-

The neighbourhood was very nice but it was so manicured. It had nothing of the chaos and untidy charm of Os Alta. All the houses looked relatively similar and it was far from the action of the city centre where they lived before. This was a cozy street where everyone knew each other, especially where their new home was, where the street ended in a cul de sac. Coming from the city, Alina was having a small culture shock. There, you were just a tiny part of the faceless masses and no one gave anyone else a second glance.

On the second day after moving in, the doorbell rang. “Are we expecting anyone?” Mal said to her as he looked up from the box of books he was sorting through. Alina shook her head and went to the door.

“HI!! I am your new neighbor and number 1118 across the street. I’m Genya! I live there with my husband, David and two boys. Sorry, I would have stopped by yesterday but the day flew by. I just wanted to welcome you to the neighbourhood.” Genya smiled eagerly. A few years older than Alina, she had stunning vermillion hair and amber eyes. She was still more pretty than Alina ever thought she herself could look, but it was slightly faded on the edges as if the years and the kids had blurred her beauty a bit. Nevertheless, Alina instantly took a liking to her and found her charm, radiating and her positivity completely contagious. “Hi, I’m Alina and I just moved here from Os Alta with my husband Mal. He’s just inside - sorry, we are still unpacking”, she says.

“Don’t be silly! You must be exhausted. Here is my famous lasagna casserole I made as I’m sure you have had no time to cook yet. When you get settled, we must have a glass of wine! Oh, it’s also perfect timing that you moved in this weekend because there is a block party this Saturday in the court and you must come meet all the neighbours. Everyone is great and we are all so excited for you all to move in!” Genya’s enthusiasm spread to Alina like a soothing spoonful of honey on a sore throat. Despite Alina being much quieter and less vivacious, she immediately liked the other woman and felt at ease with her. With Genya’s exuberance rubbing off on her, she said “That sounds great, see you then!” in a tone much more cheerful than she felt.

——

On Saturday morning, Alina woke up early to make her own famous recipe- peanut butter blondies - that was passed down by her foster mom, Ana Kuya. She didn’t feel particularly nervous about meeting her neighbours but there was still a little gnawing feeling pulling at her insides. Perhaps it was the thought of having to put on a face that everything was fine or more realistically, a quiet voice from deep down pointed out, that it was having to show up with Mal and be associated as his wife and be paired with him.

At around 11, she could hear a commotion outside as tables were being set up and kids were already laughing and running around. Mal came out from his study in his classic weekend uniform of a crisp linen shirt with chino shorts. Alina had on a floral strappy sundress with her hair pulled into a low messy knot at the back of her head. “Ready to go, hun?”, Mal asked. Alina nodded blankly, “can you please grab that other tray to bring it out”.

Although it was already near the close of summer, the air was still warm with a slight breeze. The sun was bright and set a golden filter on the entire street. The cul-de-sac was transformed with three large tables in the centre in an almost wide u-shape. The left two were loaded with all sorts of nice food and the far right table had the drinks and a large speaker with some lively music playing. All the kids were already playing in front of it, zooming around on bikes and throwing balls around. Alina spotted a couple ginger boys run past with water guns and knew those must be Genya’s. She looked toward the table and saw the bright redheaded matron arranging some sandwiches and Alina walked over, with Mal trailing behind.

“Hi Genya. This is Mal, my husband.” The cheerful neighbor turned around and immediately broke into a wide grin. “Ah, so great to meet you. Let me introduce you to my husband.” She shouted loudly to a gentle looking man who was taking apart and trying to fix a remote control car for a little boy just on the edge of the driveway.

“DAVID, come say hi to Alina and Mal!” David looked up sheepishly pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He waved and shouted, “hello, - I’m just about to access the capacitor mechanism here so I’ll come over shortly!” Genya turned back toward the couple and rolled her eyes. “Sorry, he is an engineer and will jump at any chance to tinker with any mechanical devices. Even if it’s a kid’s toy. I’ll bring him over in a second but go ahead and help yourself to some food.” She said this with a tinge of annoyance to her voice but you could hear the love seeping out from the corner of it. Detecting it, Alina was almost jealous.

The next couple hours passed quickly and pleasantly. They chatted with all the neighbours in the immediate cul-de-sac and met most of the ones further along the street. Although it was so different to Os Alta, there was a cozy and inviting atmosphere of the suburbs. It put one at ease that there was kindness from strangers and that people cared. Maybe Alina could learn to love it here and maybe things could be different.

Mal, for one, seemed to have found himself a little group of like-minded husbands and had already gone off to have beer with two of them. Genya was very busy as one of the main organisers but still somehow managed to always be the radiant center of things. She would come check on Alina here and there but after Mal went off, Alina found herself standing alone on the edge of the court, watching the action within.

After several minutes of surveying the scene from the sidelines, she was about to go back inside for a second when she saw him. He was at the far end of the court looking straight at her. It was as if the sea had parted and it was a tunnel connecting only her and him. The din of the other neighbors and the rowdy kids completely melted away. Alina had thought she felt eyes on her earlier in the afternoon but had not pinpointed it until this moment of calm.

The dark and mysterious man across the way from her was one of the most handsome men Alina had ever seen and when she returned his look, the hair on her arms stood straight up. Not in a traditional way, per se, but there was something about his face and how he carried himself that almost left her breathless. Although it was a relatively warm day, he had on a black t-shirt and black jeans. His dark hair was on the long side and fell slightly over his face. Just then, he lifted one hand and flipped his hair back without his eyes once leaving her face. Alina felt a zap of high voltage in her body that she had never felt before. She felt a long lost feeling awake within her - one that was so familiar but had been dormant for years - where she was like a giddy schoolgirl. Chemicals reacting within her, core going molten, and stomach doing butterfly flips as if the popular boy had noticed her.

Without looking away and before Alina knew what she was doing, she started walking past the tables toward him. She quickly scanned the area for Mal and spied him chatting around some planter boxes of 1114 with his new friends. He was joking and genuinely laughing, which she hadn’t personally experienced in months. Turning back, she focused on her task at hand she passed through the slew of tables, where it suddenly was much quieter. All the kids were running in the foreground where all the snacks and toys were. Here, there were only a few scattered adults talking quietly. As she walked by them, she broke eye contact to smile lightly at the man in 1109 who said hello to her. They had met earlier but she had already forgotten his name. Finally. After what felt like ages, Alina arrived in front of him. This breathtaking figure was standing on the edge of the curb, hands in pockets, and with her standing on the street, she seemed even more diminutive as he towered over her like a great black shadow.

“Hey,” he said, voice dulcet but with a coolness that sent a shiver right down her spine. His voice was low and deliciously rich. “You just moved into 1115, right? I’m Aleksander - I live in 1121, just here-” he gestured behind him to a much more modern and austere looking build then the rest of the neighborhood and without any of the kid accoutrement that littered the front yard of many of their neighbors.

“I’m Alina,” she said softly practically falling completely into the dark pools of black ink that were his eyes. “We just moved here from Os Alta.”

“Welcome to the neighborhood," Aleksander said, sweeping his arm to the court out like a game show assistant showcasing the prize. "As you can see, we are a friendly, tight-knit bunch. Do let me know if there is anything I can do to help welcome you in. I surmise Genya will have already taken care of everything, but just in case…” He trailed off. As if he held back from saying what he wanted to say. Aleksander's voice was slow and deliberate as if every word was calculated and there was no wastage. He looked at her and for a second, Alina almost saw a slight spark of hunger in his eyes but surely she must have imagined it. She had never seen or met him before. She shook it off and she smiled brightly and said “Thank you. Everyone seems lovely and I look forward to getting to know everyone.” She stared up into his eyes, searching for a response. Alina was never usually direct when meeting a stranger, but something inside her had awoken when she first saw him. And in this short and seemingly mundane conversation, it was as if a different conversation happened just between their gaze. In this moment, somehow emboldened, she blurted, “I would love to get a drink sometime and get to know you whenever you’re free.” She blushed and looked away, cheeks burning. She was nearly 30, how could she still feel like a young girl approaching her crush?

“I would like that very much.” Aleksander had not once taken his eyes off of her. Even now, it looked like he was straining, jaw firmly set - compelling every muscle in his body to behave. “For the moment, I have to attend to some matters that I could not reschedule. Enjoy the rest of the party. It was a pleasure to meet you.” Aleksander gave one last long look into her eyes, before quickly turning up the driveway back to his house. As she stared at the smooth wooden door, Alina stood there for a few seconds completely shaken at what had just passed and at the unfamiliar feelings coursing through her. She hadn’t felt this kind of electricity in years. It took Genya tapping her on the arm to bring her out of her daze. “I see you met Aleksander. He mostly keeps to himself but he’s nice enough. Shame he lives in that big house all alone. Come on back, we are about to cut the cake.” Genya turned and started walking back to the tables yelling for the kids to assemble by the tables.

Alina took one last look at the house and thought she saw a curtain move and a dark shadow. What was she even doing? She was married. This will never do. Shaking herself, she turned and walked back the group.

~~~~~~~~~~~

So sorry about the shit spacing. Tumblr is not being my friend today!

#darklina fanfic #darklina #ao3 #the darkling x alina #alina starkov #aleksander morozova #naughty neighbors #alternate au #darklinadaily #the darkling #darkling fic #sab

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paenggamoso · 3 years

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This film titled Moral was made in 1982 a Filipino film directed by Marilou Diaz-Abaya. The whole story is focusing on four women who were bff’s portray by 4 great actresses in the Philippines. First is Ana Marin as Maritess, next is Gina Alajar as Kathy the third one is Sandy Andlong as Sylivia and last is Lorna Tolentino as Joey.

The whole story possesses the reality of what woman dealing in their lives in this society as a woman. From the start of the story the scene tells that the four-woman was close to each other like a sisterhood and as a friend. They are both student in same University. Sylvia is the most matured in the group her characters was brave and trustworthy despite of being single mother her attributes as a woman can’t be deny the next is Maritess in the first part of the story the setting of the scene was focus on her wedding day and even she’s pregnant Maritess still continuing her college life with her friends the characteristics that I saw to this woman is a Daydreamer her poems were amazing and interpret her truly desire. The third one is Sandy the most talented and passionate women in the group her talent was singing she’s on fire on her desire to be on top and have solo album. The last one is Joey her attitude and character embodied the mean of black sheep in the group even thou her contribution is essential to fulfil the missing part of the group.

Like what I said this film revolves to all women reflecting their point of view in this kind of society. We all know the unheard struggle they are experiencing and embracing every day from stereo type system and because of this I become enlighten from some small glimpses that I overlook from them, and this is all kinds of women I encounter while watching this film:

The traditional women: This title I given was referring to the head of the home where Maritess where living and this is the mother of her husband. This kind of mother-in-law is typical mother-in-law that I know here at the Philippines were even their sprout have own family they still have grudge of possession between a mother to their son. This line gave me the reason to emphasize this insight. “Kagaya nang sabi ng nanay, ano ang silbi ng babae kung hindi to manganganak, ang babae pinanganak para manganak. Ang sabi pa ng nanay ko ang babaeng baog daw parang balong walang tubig, salok ng salok ang lalaki wala paring mangyayari” The whole mean of this qoute is the reason why women exist in this world is just to produce other lives and if she can’t do this her existent is useless. Yes, this is harsh word that you may receive from older human and this kind of mindset still exist and pass from different generation. From the first word this mother-in-law telling the story that her mother told to her before, so it means. This kind of mindset was occurred before when some women accept the stereo fact that they are just child bearer. If we reflect this in 2021 I can say that this kind of mindset is off to our new society and the minimal person who follow this close minded.

Daydreamer yet oppress: This woman I telling is Maritess, Maritess was a fond of poetry and this kind of talent reflects her characteristics as an innocent and optimistic woman. She wrote poems base on what she feels and interpret it proudly. However, despite of being candidate from lot of opportunities she was lock up as a wife to her husband. Maritess was graduate on bachelor degree but not like others student who pursue a career her life revolves on mother duties. “Bakit hindi ba yung lalaki yung nanganganak? Bakit tayo yung nahihirapan nang ganito? Every day I feel used I feel abused. Buong araw ako nag ttrabaho sa bahay, buong araw din ako ginagamit ng baby ko, pag dating ng gabi ang asawa ko naman yung aasikasuhin ko. Siya naman yung gagamit sakin...... Parang wala na kong Personalidad ngayon parang nalang akong Makina” Maritess say this quote after she realize that she doesn’t want to stay as a mother, wife and son-in-law forever. There’s a lot Maritess right now a woman who stop being herself because of responsibilities that turns into burden they think that bearing a sibling can flip your life into constant duties and everything revolving for your family. Good thing at the end of the story Maritess didn’t stay as a prisoner but she lifts her identity as women far from what society Identify her.

Passionate heart yet opportunist: If you ask me who’s the most focus and consistent in the group that was Kathy because of her talent she become passionate and straight forward through life maybe she’s not the bravest but her attitude to find ways makes her eyes blind from fears and distraction. Her turning point in this story is when she realizes after everything, she did is meaningless because the process she pursue are not meant into her desire success

“Sagutin moko, satingin moba magiging magaling akong singer?.......... Siguro medyo late na,pero narealize ko. I don't want to sing anymore if I can't be very good” she asks this to her friend sylvia and after that she decide to left her build name at singing career and after that she decide to herself to train hard as a singer. Kathy is a kind of women who passionate and self-driven she doesn’t let others makes her life into material but she’s the one who did that to other.

Matured women yet masochist: Sylvia is the most brave and matured women in the group there’s no such things in this world that makes she back off. sylvia is the most brave and matured women in the group there’s no such things in this world that makes she back off. She teaching at catholic school for all women student despite of having old tradition implemented to that school her character and identity remain. She also a single mother and base on how she raising her son she is a modern mother, parenting while studying is one of kind she did however there’s one only conflict in her life and that’s the issue between her ex-husband,

“Mahal mo ako, mahal ko yung asawa ko yung asawa ko mahal si celso, si celso pinamimigay yung sarili sa ibang lalaki. Pede na tayong mag tayo ng TEAM!

At first when sylvia knows that the other partner of her husband was also a man she cried a lot and ask herself what she done and why she’s not enough but after the first meeting between her and Celso her husband partner they become friends and pursue polyamorous relationship, a kind of relationship who ware open for more than two people while other man in love to Sylvia, Sylvia was in love to her husband and her husband was in love to his partner but celso also entertain others. A s you see this is not a typical kind of relationship but Sylvia overcome this for the sake of love. Do you think she’s wrong is this immoral? For me it’s not, because she did things what other people only think, she sacrifices far greater behind others who thinks they are in love.

Free Spirit yet not Satisfied: “Malalaman mo daw ang personality ng lalaki kapag tinitignan mo ang brief niya, Kapag ang lalaki gust ng brief na masikip ibigsabihin insecure siya,Kapag maluwag ibigsabihin tamad siya. Kapag gusto naman iisa lang kulay lalo na puti ibigsabihin mahilig sila sa birhen..... Sa dami ng nakita ko pede nako mag patayo ng DEPARTMENT STORE”This last character was the most awful story for me. Joey was a drug and sex addict in her group of friends she’s the living black sheep despite of being little sister. Even though she identity man like just a material that destine to use Joey once become in love into men and he was activist in their school his character was a brave man and not afraid in responsibility however this man has relationship with other women that’s the reason even Joey tempts him he resists and reject her. Because of being broken hearted she become more worst to the point she confines into hospital and doctor said that she can bear a life into her womb. Despite of being dark everything has a reason Joey didn’t do that just because she wants it. Her life was become miserable since she was a child when her parent split apart that’s the reason why Joey really hates men. Based on what Psychiatrist said to her that she was stop growing since when her parents move away to each other and that’s the reason why she did those things. Joey is a kind of women who experience unfortunate events that makes her life accept and embrace everything just to live.

The whole story tells a lot on what we overlook in society that each woman in this world was also a main character in their own stories. They work and receive unexpected experience more than on what we think of they are just not a piece of material or a bridge to produce lives they are living god, and that’s the think that we must accept in this kind of generation.

#film review #moral1982 #classic films #womanempowerment #womanpower

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holywinnerface · 3 years

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despise going to funerals. It reminds me of sadness, of being alone for the longest time possible, of how our efforts to live a good life will be wasted and ashes, and of how our relationships will be shattered. It makes me reflect on how I will deal with the death of someone close to me. It reminds me of my own death, even my own funeral. It makes me think about how I want my funeral to be....

- Gusto ko sa bahay lang ayoko ng sa iba pa ko ibuburol gusto ko bago ako ilibing maramdaman ko naman yung bahay namin.

- The day of my burial, I want my coffin to be blue or light blue, which is my favorite color. kahit ma pa dark blue or light blue basta walang ibang kulay.

- Gusto ko na yung damit ko simple lang, ayoko ng expensive na suot di ko bet yun. i want my dead body to be dress na simple lang basta yung babagay sakin ganun, then yung buhok ko gusto ko kagaya kay bella swan nung namatay siya nasa harap yung buhok pag iba ang nag ayos ng buhok na ginawa sakin I will undoubtedly haunt you in your sleep :)). Then gusto ko lang na mag mimake-up sakin si mama chi lang!!! ayoko ng ibang mag mimake-up sakin pati red lipstick lang okay na sakin.

- want my clip works to be shown on screens during my funeral nights. Those that I am proud of and on which I collaborated with my friends. I also want to request MYLE to create an AVP of a collection of my photos—with friends, family, and even selfies—to be shown on the screen. Then yung background music dalawang lang

~ GONE TOO SOON (simple plan)

~ NOW YOU BELONG TO HEAVEN OR REMINDS ME OF YOU

- Para sa someone na pinakamamahal ko gusto ko marinig yung eulogies niya, then sa pinaka malapit sa taong yun gusto ko lang na pag nawala ako sana araw araw nila kumustahin yung taong yun. Lagi lang siya tumingin sa langit kasi lagi din ako nakatanaw sa mga taong mahal ko sa buhay.

- I'd like the following songs to be played during my funeral procession:

~your guardian angel, Who am i, leaves, heaven, thinking out loud, synesthesia, i’ll be

- I'd like someone to sing "I'll Be" by Edwin Mccain after the mass because it's my favorite song.

- I'd like for some people to say their eulogies for me after the song. These people are, in no particular order: Aileen Sta. Ana, Ariel Sta. Ana my sister antonette sta. ana and my brother aeron paul sta. ana and all of my friends and my love of life <33

- Gusto ko lang na kapag ililibing nako, gusto ko kung saan naka libing ang lola santa ko ayoko ng cremate kasi masyadong dramatic at ang expensive pa at hindi ako mabibisita ng mga taong mahal ako.

- I don't want visitors to bring flowers. Rather, I'd like them to place letters, artwork, or photographs of me on top of my coffin. Let them be buried and along with me when I die.

These are all the thoughts that go through my mind whenever I attend a funeral. These are all the things I'd like to see at my own funeral. What makes me cry or feel sad is the thought of my mother and father burying me. It would break my heart to see my mother and father sobbing over my body. para akong pinapatay ng paulit ulit to see my family cry over my coffin.

Ito ay isang pag iisip lamang. plano ko para pag namatay ako ng maaga may idea sila sa set up. i’ll just leave it here, for the future reference, in case na dumating yung time na mawala ako...

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nerdy-flower · 5 years

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Folks on AO3 seemed to like this one, so I decided to cross-post it here! Enjoy!~

Solstice

Jesse and Hanzo's wedding ceremony + Genji's best-man-by-default speech, absolutely the sappiest nonsense I have ever written.

The tile of Fareeha and Angela's master bathroom is cool beneath Jesse's dress socks as he leans closer to the mirror. A delicate touch is needed with the comb to coax his hair into the nice, slightly slicked-back look he wants without raising any cowlicks. He sings to himself, a low echo beneath the struggling air conditioner and the chaotic din of their charming cabin-type setup.

Weddings have oddly never meant much to Jesse. The slivers he remembers of his mom indicate he was born on the wrong side of the blanket. His grandfather was just a photo over the piano and a pair of boots in the hall closet, his and Gran's rings pawned to pay for something or other back then. In Deadlock, no one could afford to end up on paper, even at a drive-thru chapel out of Vegas, so relationships had to be memorialized in other, louder ways. He's been to the occasional engagement happy hour for various coworkers since, but hadn't so much as attended a wedding until Genji and Zen got hitched last year.

“Oh I'm, gonna do this ri-ight,” Jesse hums, lips sticking together as he smooths his recently trimmed, still-damp beard into tidiness. “Show you I'm not movin', wherever you go-”

“Are you done yet, Jesse?” Ana raps on the half-open door, looking like she stepped out of a high-end fashion magazine. Forever classy, despite maintaining the highest kill-count in her division. She chuckles at his suit, seeing it for the first time. “Very handsome! But I thought white was only for virgins?”

“Nah, see? It's hussy white.” Jesse gestures to the cream-coloured jacket as he shrugs it on, satisfied with his face.

Ana snorts into her hand and brandishes a red rose, its stem wrapped with ribbon and baby's breath or whatever those little white things are called. “The flowers arrived, let me.”

“Thanks, Ma.” Jesse smiles warmly, sticking his chest out so she can pin the boutonniere to his lapel. “Everything goin' okay out there?”

The theme of their wedding might be “no fuss, for chrissakes” but Jesse still wants it to be a good time. Everybody had worked so hard to put this on for them. It might not be a big shindig, but he wants it to be a memorable, relatively disaster-free one.

“Of course,” Ana demures with a smile and a slow wave of her hand. “Everything's fine, nothing's on fire, these are not the droids you're looking for.”

Jesse laughs and gets an affectionate pat to the cheek before she hurries off to check on something or other. The younger Ms. Amari appears in her wake, plum-painted lips all pursed. “Get out of my toilet, I need to unfuck this eyeliner.”

“Told ya not to use your phone,” Jesse smirks, glancing at her enormous bunny slippers as they swap places. “Oh, please tell me you're wearing those for the photos.”

“I have hose on!” Fareeha gestures exasperatedly at her legs before rubbing a q-tip over her tongue. She looks real cute, all dolled up in that blue number Angie's sure to love.

Jesse shuffles down the hall in a mild fugue state, fixing his cuffs unnecessarily. He ought to be doing something, but he doesn't know what. The reception is a while away yet, that had been more his bag. He's less about ceremony and more about celebration, he supposes, but that's a bit reductive, isn't it? The faint burn of a red dragon recently inked into his upper arm is telling. He has a poetic heart, so he's told, a love for a symbol's secret meaning rather than its apparent one.

“There it is,” Gabe says behind him, Jesse turning on his heel to see Genji jogging up the stairs, a flush in his cheeks. “You alright? I heard shouting.”

“Oh yeah, just Hanzo being himself.” Genji rolls his eyes as he passes off Jesse's missing tie, nodding at him. “Do you have the lint-roller?”

“Olivia had it, last I saw.” Jesse answers, sending Genji hurrying back to the living room, hopefully to put on something besides pants and a tank top. “D'ya mind- ah, thanks.”

Gabe smiles as he leans into Jesse's space to fix his collar and tie the tie. “So, you ready to stand up in front of God and everyone and bet half your stuff that you'll love this guy forever?”

“Damn skippy I am,” Jesse laughs, watching Gabe's scarred hands work on a perfect knot. “Oh, by the way, I had Lúcio put 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' on the playlist for you two.”

“Aw, how thoughtful.” Gabe drawls, doing that fake-grin that stretches out the hole in his cheek for effect. “Are you gonna cry?”

“'Course not, we live together. There's nothin' to cry about.”

“He's gonna cry,” Jack says confidently, leaning on the banister while Gabe fixes the tie just so and steps away to grab some things. “Hana put tissues in your inside pocket.”

“You might need some, I won't.” Jesse retorts, jokingly defiant. He rocks back on his heels and takes a second to breathe. The last six weeks were a blur, but he remembers the next steps. Enter with Gabe and Ana on his arms, stand tall and look pretty waiting for Hanzo, everything else is on note-cards. Easy as pie.

“Hey.” Jesse adds after a moment's thought, and after Jack's screen-reader finishes telling him that Lulu ate her food and is doing fine at the kennel, thanks so much. “You don't feel- left out of this, do ya?”

He isn't sure what he'd do if Jack did, at this point, but it seems worth asking. Jesse's time in their patchwork family had seen him through their good times and their not-talking periods where Gabe continually said he was fine, but played way too much shitty music to mean it. His attitude had clashed with the former soldier's early and often, and at times it felt like it was him and Gabe versus Jack. He's way too old for that shit now, and the guy had paid for his GED, amongst other things in his quest to accidentally parent everyone he ran across.

“Hm? Oh, god no.” Jack breathes a laugh, folding his arms. “Honestly, I'll be happy to sit down and relax for the rest of the day.”

“You sat down the whole way here,” Gabe notes, handing Jesse his fancy shoes. “At least you got to nap.”

“I got out and pumped gas,” Jack replies, with an almost petulant cock of his head. “And do you know how boring that highway is without the scenery? I nearly lost my mind.”

“I know, I know,” Gabe scoffs, gripping the man's bicep in a manner that could be construed as loving. “And you did such a good job pumping that gas, it's what I keep you around for.”

“Hmph.” But there's an entirely fond smile with it, his fingers curling over Gabe's. Goddamn they're cute, in their black and slate suits with the little matching pocket squares. They had best not start making out at the wet bar, though that would be an improvement on Jack pretending he knows how to do the running man.

As they step out of the sliding-glass patio doors into the heady summer air, Gabe squeezes the back of his neck in what Olivia calls a 'man-hug,' though Gabe is far from the too-insecure-to-actually-hug type. “No la cagues, alright, mijo?”

Jesse snorts, knowing he doesn't mean walking down the aisle. “I won't.”

There's nothing fancy to it, not even a proper altar, just a bunch of folding chairs and a borrowed music stand for Mondatta to set his notes on. Camping tents off to the side, lights and flowers strung through the surrounding trees, music playing softly through Lucio's speakers- a piano version of the ending credits theme to a movie they both love. But then Hanzo walks out, in the same outfit he'd tied Genji into last year, his brother on one arm and Amélie on the other. There's some shuffling and laughing over how to link elbows properly, but then their eyes meet while everyone's backs are turned and he smiles so sweet and Jesse's chest feels so full- “Oh god, he's so gorgeous.”

“Called it,” Fareeha whispers, smug as anything at his side, rose pinned to her chest and ringbox in hand. Jesse smacks her discreetly, to the amusement of the spiritual leader behind them, but can't say anything around the lump in his throat.

It's all he can do not to smooch those lips right there while Genji steps to one side and Amélie takes her seat. Hanzo takes his hands and grips tight, the afternoon sunlight doing wonderful things to his brown eyes, and it's enough for now.

“Dear friends, we gather here today to celebrate what will hopefully be only one of many happy days shared by Jesse and Hanzo. They have asked me to thank you on their behalf, for coming together to support them.” Mondatta begins, and goddamn if he doesn't sound straight out of a movie with the gravitas in his voice. Add the resplendent, silvery robes on top, and Jesse gets the draw of his speeches, and why Lena looks like she might explode whenever he's around. Dude's got charisma for days. “There are so many people who influence our lives and the paths we take, from before we are born until after we have gone. If you'll permit me a moment's indulgence, I would like all of us to close our eyes for a minute and think about those people, perhaps especially the ones who cannot be with us today. I'll keep the time.”

In the head-bent pause, Jesse feels Hanzo's hands shake minutely and he squeezes back tight. It's one thing to wonder, with gratitude and frustration, about how he got here and why. It's another to know, and speculate with all the acute pain of memory.

“Thank you,” Mondatta says, looking up from his simple wristwatch and back to his notes, a smile in his voice. “As we stand in recognition of the commitment that these two are making to each other, we acknowledge that their life together is not starting, but has already begun. They have withstood many hardships and experienced many joys that have led them to make this proclamation not lightly, but gladly, solemnly, and with great courage. In your shared life, we all wish you peace, but acknowledge the yet-unknown hardships that will test you and the bond you share. Are you prepared to take on these challenges together?”

“We are,” they manage in almost-unison, Jesse half a beat behind. Hanzo smiles at him sideways, sweat building at his temples as the sun beats down on the black cotton of his kimono.

Mondatta nods, almost cat-like in his satisfaction. “Good. Now, while you are self-sufficient adults-” Oof, that might be a stretch. “-You will still need a community to nurture you, and many hands to help you on the road ahead. So I ask all of you here today, do you pledge to support these two and the family they've created, to speak the truth kindly to them, and to lend them your strength in times of need?”

Scarcely a second passes before the air rings with “We do!” and the occasional “Hell yeah!”- even an impressive whistle from someone. Hanzo's eyes well up then, as they smile out over the crowd, though he thumbs the tears away quick as can be. Heaven forbid someone capture him having an emotion on film, Genji's quip materializes in Jesse's mind with only a sharp smirk over his brother's shoulder.

“How wonderful,” Mondatta continues, off-script and genuine. “The two will now exchange the vows they have written. Jesse, I believe you 'called first dibs.'”

Jesse's face aches from smiling while the titter dies down. He locks his eyes on his fiancé's and tries not to talk too fast. “Hanzo, you know me better than anyone else in the world and somehow, you still love me.” Muted laughter again, and an endeared chuckle from Hanzo, the same one he'll never get enough of. “You tell me all the time how I've made you a better man, but I don't think you realize that you've done the same to me and more. So, I promise to remind you of that every day, and I'll do everything I can to look after you and make sure you don't regret this, till death do us part.”

Hanzo's laugh turns wet, but his smile doesn't flag. He clears his throat at Mondatta's nod, shutting his eyes a moment to block everyone out. They had purposefully kept it short, Hanzo struggling to be sentimental in public. Even still, there isn't an ounce of hesitance in his serious, stage-worthy tone. “Jesse, I promise to always give you the best of myself, though you have often put up with my worst. I will take your family as my family, as you have already taken mine. I will work hard to make you at least half as happy as you've made me, to ensure our life together is well-lived, and I'll always draw you handsome.”

The laughter is mixed with sniffles now, one at Jesse's back and surprisingly none at Hanzo's, though Genji's glasses do nothing to hide the red in his eyes. The 'boring bit,' as their rehearsal sticky notes read, allows Jesse to catch his breath. They sign the register with their loopiest signatures, Genji and Fareeha stepping forward to do the same. Genji pours the sake for the san-san-ku-do ceremony Hanzo taught him the week before, Jesse kneading his chest afterwards. “Oof, shoulda had breakfast.”

“Do not vomit,” Hanzo whispers in that crisp, eye-narrowing tone Jesse's come to know and adore. He just snickers, though he hopes somebody remembered to make dinner rolls.

In the slim moment where the cups and bottle are cleared away, Jesse looks back. Zen's in the front row, neatly dabbing his eyes with a handkerchief, cute guy that he is. Ana is beaming, a single tear slipping down her cheek while she there-there pats a weepy Reinhardt. Gabe and Jack sit in similar tired old men poses, but their eyes tell all, Jack's arm looped around Gabe's shoulders. Torbjörn's brood takes up the two back rows, Brigitte shushing some of the younger ones as they fidget in the formal clothing they were wrestled into this morning. The rest of their friends sit rapt and smiling, leaning on each other and fanning themselves in the sticky heat. Even Amélie's smile is softer than usual.

“Now it is time for the exchange of rings,” Mondatta intones with something like giddiness, or as close as someone like him gets. He pauses so that Genji can open the box for his brother to take the ring, the glance between them speaking volumes. “Hanzo, if you would please take Jesse's hand and tell him first why you love him, second why this day is important to you.”

Hanzo obeys, having requested to go first so that he might 'maintain some dignity,' since Jesse's dignity obviously up and went a long time ago. He takes Jesse's flesh hand in his, his smile more than blue skies and sunshine to his fiancé in that moment. “I love you because you are a truly good man, one stubborn enough to love me.” Everyone gets a good laugh at that while Hanzo pushes his braid back over his shoulder. “And because I wished to show you that I'll never leave your side.”

The multicoloured band slips on with ease. They've worn them as engagement rings all this time, but slim tears still join at Jesse's chin. The levity in Hanzo's words somehow keeps the tremble from his own, but only just. Fareeha's grin is as big as his while she holds out the box, Hanzo's right hand almost fragile in the grip of his metal fingers. “I love you because you showed me that my dreams weren't anywhere near as good as reality.” Hanzo's lips pull thin at that. Who knew they'd both grow up to be such sappy bastards? “And because I wanted to prove how serious I've always been.”

The weight of Mondatta's hands on their shoulders is almost paternal, pride shining in his face as he speaks that much louder than his previous words. “What the two of you have made together, let no one unmake. You may-”

Hanzo's patience flames out exactly then. He cups Jesse's jaw and pulls him down for a chaste, but very firm and knee-weakening kiss in front of everyone they know.

***

Genji stands up and rolls his shoulders, much like their judo instructor taught them to do as boys. Lena passes him an unopened bottle of champagne (the good kind, he owes Winston a hug) with a cheeky grin. Hanzo and Jesse's thank-you speech was cute and all, but he'll never let his brother get one up on him.

“Several years ago,” Genji begins, minding his feet as he steps outside the circle of guests around the fire pit. “I agreed to go shoot pool with some weirdo I met in our dear Doctor Ziegler's waiting room, with the sole intention of getting him to stop bothering me. Spoiler: It didn't work, but at least I got him to quit calling me Shimada-san.”

That nets a laugh and Genji smiles, warmed by the setting sun and the half-finished fourth mojito in his other hand. He doesn't often drink now, beginning to fret over what medicine and addiction have done to his liver, but he's been working harder than Cinderella's mice this week and getting lit once a year never killed anybody. “Jesse and I spent a lot of time together back then, mostly eating and binge-watching stupid TV shows on a streaming account belonging to someone who shall remain nameless.” He gestures with the neck of the bottle. “But on an unrelated note, Fareeha, you should really change your passwords once in a while.”

“Son of a bitch!” Fareeha shouts from across the fire, firing a chunk of cake at Jesse which he catches and promptly eats just to spite her.

“I came to consider Jesse a good friend, one of the first I'd had in some time.” Genji keeps an edge to his smile while the crowd softens. No need to bust that emotional nut too early. “Luckily we never slept together, or this would be really awkward.”

Another chorus of giggles and snorts, the first groan of distaste from Hanzo. Perfect. “Around this time, a wild brother of mine appeared.” Genji quickly dances past the smoke, not wanting to linger on a painful point by collapsing into a coughing fit. “And in accordance with his lifelong pattern of terrible taste, developed a big fat crush on one Jesse McCree.”

“Love ya too, asshole.” Jesse smacks him on the way by, but Genji keeps going. At this point, he might need the perpetual motion to stay upright and dignified. Hanzo's eyes are trained on him, but he's not done yet.

“But unbeknownst to him, Jesse had also caught feelings,” Genji takes a sip of his drink for a brief dramatic pause. “Despite the fact that my brother is a stuck-up grouch who sucked his thumb until he was twelve.”

A proper snarl of his name sets him cackling, though Jesse is kind enough to restrain and smooch Hanzo into submission. He pushes his glasses back up, realizes he isn't wearing them, and carries on. “Jesse's approach to this situation was to drive to the other side of town every day for terrible sandwiches and a chance to glimpse his beloved's perpetually exhausted visage. Hanzo's approach was to do absolutely nothing.”

More laughter, more Hanzo grumbles. “They did finally go on a date with no insignificant amount of prodding from yours truly, but since it's their special day, I won't congratulate myself too much. Except to say, you're welcome!”

That inspires some gentle jeering aimed at the two of them, Genji bouncing back on his heels and almost slipping, gesturing with both arms. “But truly, I never expected things to turn out this way; Hanzo marrying the guy who taught me how to roll joints specifically because doing it one-handed is a pain in the ass.”

A deeper groan at that one while the others laugh and shout. “Relax, Jesse, it's not like your entire family's here or anything!” He slows his wandering to one side of the fire to avoid further swipes, lifting the bottle to draw attention to his left hand. “Being married myself now, I get to incorrectly call myself an expert and assure you that it's totally great- no, honest! Hey, I'm not here for those ball-and-chain jokes, you've all seen my husband. He's literally right over there, look at him.”

Zenyatta has been watching him with that knowing 'I will save you from yourself if necessary' look this whole time, but his posture softens noticeably, his hand on his cheek as he sits curled up on their blanket. So goddamn cute, it isn't fair.

“You already know exactly how annoying you both are, so I won't bother reminding you.” Genji grins again, lifting one finger from the stem of his drink. “Though by the same token, don't say I never warned you!

“Thanks again for letting us use your matrimony as an excuse to throw a party, that was cool of you.” He pauses for a chorus of cheers and glasses clinking, the sun nearly gone now and their friends' movements reflected in flickering shadows. “I think I speak for all of us when I say I look forward to you two enjoying a long and happy life together, and bickering like old hens when the sex gets boring.”

Another loud groan from Hanzo. Zen mouths 'be nice' at him on his way by, but Genji can tell he doesn't mean it. “Just kidding, a Shimada's stamina never dies! Don't skip physio, McCree!”

More jeering, a request from his brother to be put out of his misery. He paces again, his cheeks buzzing with laughter. “Hanzo and Jesse specifically requested no gifts- but we all ignored that and put money in the cards, right?” A beat before a series of nods and sarcastic put-offs, eliciting some whinging from the couple. “Okay good, otherwise I'd want my five dollars back.”

The laughter rises again and he speaks again before it falls, slowing the groove he's wearing into Angela's lawn. “What these two nerds don't realize is that I'm taking home the biggest gift of all, and they gave it to me without even realizing. Can anyone guess what it is?”

A few shout over each other, making Genji knit his brows together. “You guys are gross.” He smiles then, holding up his glass in proper toast. “The truth is that I've spent more time worrying about both of you than I care to say. When you two finally got serious, I was so relieved. Partly because I no longer had to listen to Hanzo's bitching, and partly because I knew I didn't have to worry so much anymore.”

Hanzo's face is rather blurry at this distance, but he can see the change in it. The way his eyes get big and how his spine straightens up. Genji's smile stretches impossibly wider. “The rest of you can laugh at this part if you want- but I honestly can't tell you how grateful I am that I get to watch you become who you always deserved to be.”

He keeps his gaze over everyone's heads because if he makes eye contact with anyone right now, he might cry and he cries super gross. “And I never thought I'd say this, but I couldn't be happier to have a new big brother.” Genji tips his glass in their direction, giggling at the odd feeling of the words in his mouth. “Thanks for sticking around, Jesse. God knows we haven't made it easy for you.”

He doesn't let more than a couple “aw's” and fond chuckles escape before interrupting, shaking the bottle as hard as he possibly can. “And on that note, congratulations! Let's get this party-”

The cork pops off suddenly, hitting the metal gutter of the porch with a spectacular bang while those nearest to him shriek and dodge the spray of foam. “Oh, whoops.”

“Trying to break my windows, are we?” Angela appears at his side with eyebrow arched, yanking him down by the tie as the others scramble up, Lúcio dashing to the DJ station he'd set up beside the bar.

“Now how was I supposed to know it would do that?” Genji giggles, filling her empty glass with flat champagne and kissing her cheek. She seems appeased as they finish it themselves, good. He's ninety-nine percent sure she could suplex him without breaking a sweat.

Hanzo and Jesse had opted out of the first-dance business because “It's embarrassing and I don't want to,” blah blah. That means Lúcio cranks the beats right from the start, to which Genji is not at all opposed. He lets Angela spin and dip him before shaking and shimmying his way to Zenyatta's side, then bouncing from person to person across the rented dancefloor like a tipsy pachinko ball.

It's not a huge group, the younger half of the Lindholm children already back at the monastery for a monk-supervised sleepover. The older half put the trampoline through its paces while the adults make fools of themselves. But damn, if there isn't a perfect energy to the night, both excitable and intimate. Emily pours him another drink and he revels in it.

Zarya ends up stealing a table to arm-wrestle any willing participants, which include his husband, who lasts an entire minute before she puts him down. Twice as long as Genji last time, he's impressed.

“You are like bamboo branch!” Zarya declares, lifting Zen's lean arm by the wrist and affectionately slapping his bicep. “Lean, but surprisingly strong!”

Zenyatta flushes, looking adorably sheepish as Gabe, Jack, Ana, Mei, and Lena clap for him and wait their turn. Genji's just about to walk up and tease the hell out of him when he feels someone grip his shoulder from behind. It's Hanzo, frowning slightly, how entirely unexpected.

“What's-” Hanzo wraps his arms around him before he can finish, his face pressed against Genji's shoulder. He can't help but laugh, though the tight embrace constricts his ribs. “Aw, two hugs in one day? You do love me.”

“Shut up,” is Hanzo's only reply, because of course it is. His eyes are doing the sad puppy thing when he pulls back. He was sort of born looking sad, but it's still concerning. “My speech at your wedding wasn't nearly as good.”

“You know, you're right! Tell you what, I'll get married again so you can do it over. Will that make you feel better?”

Hanzo scowls at him. Ah, such a nostalgic sight. “Can you stop ruining the moment for ten seconds?”

Genji downs the last of his cocktail and snaps his fingers into a point. “Nope.”

Hanzo sighs, his brow pinched like he has a headache but his eyes remain gentle, shining in the glow of the string-light canopy. He toys with the cord of his obi. “I will pay you back for this if it's the last thing I do.”

“The hell you will,” Genji huffs. “You don't have to wear that damn thing all night, you know. I didn't.”

“I like it, it's comfortable.” Hanzo insists, having not removed so much as the haori despite the heat. He folds his arms across his chest, his eyes lowered, the many piercings he chose to leave in because they were 'more attractive than empty holes' glinting slightly. His voice is barely audible when he finally speaks. “There is much I admire in you, and much I can never repay you for.”

Genji's response is stolen by the approach of Jesse. Hair askew, jacket off, and a big stupid grin on his face. “C'mere, you shit.” He hauls Genji into a bear-hug as soon as he raises his arms for it, gladly accepting it in lieu of the ones he used to dodge.

He groans as his toes leave the ground. “Ugh yes, crush me so I can skip this hangover.”

“Not a chance.” Jesse laughs, dropping him and slinging his arm around Hanzo, bending to kiss his forehead. The way he acts around him still makes Genji shake his head in disbelief. All Velcro eyes and little sighs and darlin'-honey-sugarbean's. Unbelievable.

Even more surprising is the ease with which Hanzo turns into his touch, lifts his chin to hold his gaze, lets his arm be stroked as they speak. To see his big brother smile again, watch him do the things he wants, not what he feels he must or is ordered to do- it's worth the world to him.

As he's having that realization, a certain slow song comes on and Jesse gets excited, tugging Hanzo towards the dance floor. He looks back at Genji for permission, legitimately concerned about his brother feeling ditched. Genji can't help but grab his face, squishing his cheeks and planting a smacking kiss on his forehead. “Pft, you're so cute, anija! Go have fun!”

“Ugh, don't.” Hanzo recoils from him like an angry cat before Jesse laughs and hurries him along.

He giggles and leans against the wall of Angela's house, considering asking Lúcio to put on something loud and fast after this so he can do an ill-advised handstand or twerk towards Bastion or something. No meds plus rum certainly leaves him with lots of ideas.

Zenyatta rolls up beside him then, merely smiling and setting his brakes when Genji plops himself into his lap, perhaps ten percent too confident his presence is desired there. God, he looks and smells so good. Buttoned into one of those gauzy pastel tops he prefers, features ringed with thin gold jewellery, nails painted and eyes lined in deep blue. His hand is so soft against Genji's cheek. He's beautiful. “You're beautiful.”

“And you're very warm,” Zenyatta observes, reaching for the buttons of his black vest. “Let's get this off before you overheat.”

Genji chooses comedy over tenderness, striking a pose worthy of a soap opera. “Ooh, Mister Tekhartha, are you trying to undress me?”

“Oh, you are drunk.” Zen replies, an amused statement of fact rather than a question, fixing him with a cheeky, freckle-bunching smile once he helps him out of it. “Try not to let your lips write cheques your body can't cash this time, hm?”

“I said I was sorry, I got the spins!” Genji whines in his defence, but quickly abandons that in favour of sweetly kissing Zen. He fits so perfectly in Genji's arms when he cuddles up to him afterwards, nuzzling against his temple.

“Do you want to go dance, dear one?”

Genji looks back, catching a glimpse of Hanzo tucked under Jesse's chin, Jesse's cheek on his crown, their hands clasped. With his glasses back on, their smiles are easy to see even from here. They both look so- safe, is the only word he can come up with.

“In a minute,” he murmurs, turning to share another, slower kiss with his husband in the electric night air.

#mchanzo #genyatta #background r76 and pharmercy #mchanzo fic #married mchanzo #5000+ words #shimada brothers #shimada brothers need healing

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dynaaatoooooooootttt-blog · 6 years

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Since '01 My family is there in every ups and down of my life. They completed what I really want to have.

Dyna, is sooooo secretive person. You cannot obviously feel is she's mad or happy. With this people around me, they teach me how drag down failures and cheer up with smiles.😊 I have learned from them that I must be more independent anytime. By God's servant who anointed me, I am blessed since that day happen to me.

Since elementary, I don't know how to socialize other people. I am not friendly tho. And no one who really knows who's the real Dyna is.👌 'Cause only God knows.

Dyna, is the easiest person you can approach when you need help.

Dyna, can give you a never ending happiness in friendship or in relationship.

Dyna, is willing to help without getting it back to her.

Dyna, also is easily get hurt, not by actions but in words also.

Dyna, is a Lovable and sweet person.

Dyna, is a kind and serious person too.

Dyna, can give you an attention and time if you wanted.

Dyna, is too frank person.

Dyna, is a keeper especially when it comes to her friends and loveones.

And Dyna can love you with all her heart.💖

Friends and Love ones said that Dyna is:

Ralph Dominic:

ahh when we first meet ay na feel ko agad ang kabutihang loob mo and my heart say that isa kang hulog nang langit para sa akin.....😊😇😇😍😇😍😇specially na sa bonding2 ayy masaya ako dahil sumasabay ka sa lahat at hindi ka maramot kung may meron ka nagbibigay ka at ikaw rin ay matulungin in honestly but sad to say even little things that we are misunderstanding madali ka lang magalit at (mangluod) at kung hihingan ka nang sorry ay madali karin makipagbati dahil isa kang anghel na nagsisigawan sa langit😊😂😅 MASAYA AKO PAG ANDYAN KA AT I FEEL COMFORTABLE thank you for being good part of mylife

Kathryn Kaye:

Amph. Honestly, noong una kong kita sayo ay tingin ko sayo'y basag ulo, maarte, maldita, at chismosa. Kaaway mo kasi lagi ang barkada ko noon noong grade 4 tayo, hindi naman kasi tayo classmate, kaaway mo sina Rhuela at minsan naman si Daniela syempre hindi ko maiiwasan na majudge ka. Lalo na noong grade 5, ang dami mong crush at kaya mong makipag away sa kapwa mo maipaglaban mo lang Pinakauna pagkakilaya nako sa imo since elementary pa gajud. Is close friend gayud, permi pa gneh ta atog storya about kayy.... Mamansinon mn ka. Garaon pd. But the time nga neabot nata sa High School. Klasm8 bata ato.? Murag nabag o ang ato mga lihok tungod ky naa nay mga bag o pd nga friends, ang daan nga amegog amega hikalimtan na. Pero kahinomdom pako. G-7 ug G-8 permi kita ang magkagrupo sa Reportings mga roleplay ni mam Caballero sa aral pan nga naglisod nata. Hilabe na atong maghimo ug costume about sa pambansang kasootan sa bisan asa nga lugar tapos ang material kay manila paper. (Magpayang paper na diay ky nia nmn sa ato dapit). Haha. Bibo ky to. Himansinon paka. Dre na gkan sa G-9 nga ikaw nagbag o. Nakauyab raka niya. Ddto na ang sugod nga bsta murag daghan na natinga sa imo grbeh imo pagbag o. Maypagka Snober naka, maldita na ug samot, sapoton kaayo. Kabalo na mosukol, sauna dle mn ka in ana. D ka hilig makipag away or debate. Hangtod G-10. Mao ra. Mas wala nakay time sa imo friend. Ahh. Sa pagkakaron, Nabag o npud ka, murag nebalik gamay imo pagka-Dyna katong nag edad paka ug 14 below.

Murag dre rako taman ang iyong damdamin, well I know that you're showing how brave you are; however, mas nangingibabaw ang panghuhusga ko sayo at ang naging tingin ko sa iyo ay malandi at mapride. (Sorry)

No offense ha? Noon lang naman iyon hindi na ngayon. Totoo nga ang sinsabi nila na "Don't judge the by it's cover". Napatunayan ko iyon noong grade 6 till now. You are such a good person. Mas matanda ako sayo pero parang nanay ka namin. You treat me like your own sister. I am so grateful to meet you. I am so lucky na nakilala ko ang taong katulad mo na hindi plastic, totoong totoo ka. Lahat ng mga naging tingin ko sayo noon ay walang wala, you are si good to be true. I love you always. Even sometimes naiinis ako sayo mahal pa rin kita pero inis lang naman iyon, ayaw kong mawala ang katulad mo sa buhay ko, kaya kong tiisin ang ugali mo, because it's you, after many years ng ating pagsasama, nasanay na ako sa ugali mo na siguro hindi kayang intindihin ng iba. Nasanay na akong lagi kang nasa tabi ko, isa ka sa kumukumpleto sa buhay ko, I don't know what will happen to me if ever I will lose you. I love you.

Allen Jake:

una sa lahat nais ko lang batiin kayo ng magandang umaga. ang masasabi ko lang at mailarawan sa iyo simulat sa una ay palakaibigan ka, ngunit nasaisip ko rin na ika'y baka strikto dahil sa panlabas mo pero d yun ang sinusukat ko kundi nakikita ko ang tatag ng puso mo at determinasyon.

Kapag kasama kita ay happy ako. ikaw yung isang taong matataguan ng mga sikreto at higit sa lahat mapagkatiwalaang kaibigan. Sanay ang lahat ng itoy manatili sa iyo.

Joshua:

Well..

Ikaw lang naman ang first crush😅

Masaya ka naman as always , tapos caring, yun lang ..

I hope this help😊

Aiza Jane:

Dyna is a kind and serious person...She have a attitude that kinda bad..but still she do have a reason, why she do something to someone..

Mabuti syang kaibigan, kung kailangan mo, andyan sya, , may mabuti syang puso sapagkat siyay selosa, , ngunit mapagmahal..and i thankyou😂😘😅

Fletchen James:

dati nong grade 7 tayo sure cute mo midyo mataray lang minsan at hindi single nakilala kita dahil ikaw yong unang babaing nag pa kopya sa akin ng sagut ahh mapagbigay masayahin at midyo my pagka maldita msaya nman kahit papaano na ga non ka kaya lang seryuso mo sa relasyon\

Mam Rodith: Wow...

Si Dyna since day 1 namin, alam ko nang maldita siya,nagmana siya sa akin. Maldita siya dahil kaya ka niyang talunin kapag alam niyang di mabuti ang ginawa mo sa kanya.

Matapang siya, sa anumang laban maasahan mo siya. Sa anumang pagsubok nakatayo pa rin siya.

Palaban siya, kahit anong mangyari basta ginawa ang lahat wala siyang paki sa sasabihin ng iba.

Madiskarte:hahanap siya ng mga paraan magawa lang ang mga gusto niyang gawin.

Iyakin, sabi nila ang mga maldita ay iyakin, totoo iyan sa kanya madali siyang matouch. Malambing at totoo.

Peter Anjelu:

First of all I would like to thank God and for your parents who made you whole and well I remember the first time we bond was in elementary ...and my first impression is that your very maldita ...but after a while of bond ...it's rightbut what I like about you is that you are always happy when Di masabod ....your also the singer of the room ...and you are a good friend hahaha...dugo na ako ilong sakto na hahaha...GBU

Glenn Mark:

Sticta kay ka unang kita nko nimo then bonding nato hahahhaa uyab man ata ato kanang selosa ka kung naa koy lain kauban. Dali raka magselos ganern. Kanang wala kay trust bitaw tinuod na. Then cute ka bisag putot dino dili na nko pataason basin maingnan tag uyab

Reajoy:

my first expression about you ahmm I thought your kj, moody.. tas ano maldita.. kasi yun din ang sabi nila... yung parang bawal kami lumalapit kasi magagalit ka... .. and I thought na pumipili ka nang kaibigan... pero habang tumatagal na naging kakaklase kita dun ko nalaman na.. kaya pala ganyan ka.kasi ano ayaw molang nang fake friend kasi kadalasan Hindi sila naging honest sayo..dun ko rin nalaman na.. okay Karin palang maging friend kasi hindi ka fake sa pinapakita mo.. yung tipong ikaw..kung ano yung Hindi mo na gustohan ..direct to the point mong sinasabi .. Hindi yung plastikan lang..

at also medyo joker Karin minsan.. pero seryoso ka talaga..lalo na lovelife...hahaha

for me ...okay lang talaga ugali mo mas maganda nga yung pinapakita mo kung ano katalaga atleast napakakatotoo ka sa sarili....

# miss you dy hahaha atong junior high

Lorence:

Ang pag ka ila nko sa IMO Kay maldita ni siya na bae ,dali doulon matinabangon sa amigo ,kani siya Mao cge advice namong magbarkada

Jefferson:

Una nhong pag tan aw nmo tawo ngud ka...abi kog gara² on strikta diay..tpos pranka ka ayo..dli ka angay gara² an kay masaniban man kag di ingon nto haha..bootan ka pero maldita kong unha...hilomon,putongon...maypag edad ning taas pero ag height w ngud.hahahamao r dai..

Angel Lyka:

In the first time that I saw your personality, you are so cute and you are a lovable and caring to your family and also to your friends..And I thought that you are choose in selecting and making friends, but I was wrong and I realized that you are endeed a friendly one..You are a good friend on me, and I blessed because I have a friend like you...

Miela:

Maldita✌✌😂 but in a nice way.. Dali rah masuko Ug selosa✌ but dali phudt. Cjah maduolan..,labi nah friend nijah ang nanginahanglan..,., she's the best friend I ever meet., she always there if her friend need anything labi nah kung sa mga away sijah pa mismoh ang mag unah,. She was a caring and loving friend, she was like a sister to her friend.,., pinapagalitan niya if merong mga pag kakamali.,,and snob siya sa mga Hindi niya mga close., lalong-lalo na sa mga ka-away ng kanyang kaibigan. , pero kapag maging kaibigan., mo siya Hinding-hindi ka ma gugutom✌✌😂😂., ( she's inlove with alag .her future husband😂 )..

Merlyn:

Ang unang pagkakilaya naku kang Dyna is maldita. And first bond na2 kay tong grade 10 man bagan ug wa ko nasipyat😂😂 Nyahh, ganahan kos imoha kay mosabay kas mga kabuang namo😂 kang a pud ni kauban😜 Buotan man jud ni cja oi ug buotan sab kas ija then maldita ug maldita sab kas ija. Selosa pud diay ni cja oi ahahah nyahh arang ka strikto pag abot sa uyab lupig pay ginikanan😂 Thank you😂

Cheneth:

Hi dyna😊to tell u honestly u are such a nice friend but only few or ur true friends can see and appreciate it.you know why? Because u have that unique attitude and also u are a supportive one we all lucky to have u because all then u are true to us (prank ka baya ka💪😂) and sometimes u are a moody person(pag red days cguro?😂✌)

-maoh rmn tawon na😂

-pasensya sa English Dyn😂✌

-lab lots mwahh😘💕

Niñanette:

Kuan! Una Maldita ka, first impression nhu.. But Dli Deay.. BUOTAN Ka pag masuod nka. Tapoz dli Ulit Ug pag kaun hehe.. Tapos.... Ma satanas Ka. Pag Naay Mangaway Nimo.. dka ganhan Ug Plastik Na mga amigo.. Tapoz Syempre.. Naay tytok sa Ulo. Hahaha Joke.. dn dka ganahan Ug Libak libakon..Mabait, matulungin, friendly ug ganahan pud sa nawong palaman Pina ka una!.. Pag about Sa Bonding ur so Nice. Ky Mulibre man jejeje. Actually.. Buotan Gyudt kaKay ako nakaila namn ko nimo.. Tapos Hilig kag away sa una. murag dragon.. tapos pag masuko ka.. Masuko Gyudt ka..!. Tapoz Hilig Mang Seen!.. Kulos Ka NoRa

Aaron James:

Ahmm.. Una sa tanan Malditahon ka pero Okay raman sa Makasabot, Sama nako mo sabot ko pero buotan man ka basta naas mood tapos Manhinatagon man gali kas ako tong classmate pata sauna may Call Sign pa pina DUDE Para sakin mabiit ka tapos Mapagbigay pero maldita pero nasa lugar ang pagiging maldita mo Amo ra haha

Frank Allen:

Pinakauna pagkakilaya nako sa imo since elementary pa gajud. Is close friend gayud, permi pa gneh ta atog storya about kayy.... Mamansinon mn ka. Garaon pd. But the time nga neabot nata sa High School. Klasm8 bata ato.? Murag nabag o ang ato mga lihok tungod ky naa nay mga bag o pd nga friends, ang daan nga amegog amega hikalimtan na. Pero kahinomdom pako. G-7 ug G-8 permi kita ang magkagrupo sa Reportings mga roleplay ni mam Caballero sa aral pan nga naglisod nata. Hilabe na atong maghimo ug costume about sa pambansang kasootan sa bisan asa nga lugar tapos ang material kay manila paper. (Magpayang paper na diay ky nia nmn sa ato dapit). Haha. Bibo ky to. Himansinon paka. Dre na gkan sa G-9 nga ikaw nagbag o. Nakauyab raka niya. Ddto na ang sugod nga bsta murag daghan na natinga sa imo grbeh imo pagbag o. Maypagka Snober naka, maldita na ug samot, sapoton kaayo. Kabalo na mosukol, sauna dle mn ka in ana. D ka hilig makipag away or debate. Hangtod G-10. Mao ra. Mas wala nakay time sa imo friend. Ahh. Sa pagkakaron, Nabag o npud ka, murag nebalik gamay imo pagka-Dyna katong nag edad paka ug 14 below.

Well said. They said what they want to say. And I really appreciate all of those negative thoughts from them, because I know they love me.😊💖

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yhellowmil28 · 2 years

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Lain imo gipafeel nko donita. Every fucking day. Every day u make me feel like every betrayal i did was a definition of who teh i am. And im sick of it. Im sick of having to hide unsa jd ko na tao and having to be fucking cautious every single day just bc i may say something wrong to u maglain npud imo hunahuna nko. I was never myself bc u didnt give me a chance to be myself bc u already made a definition of who i am. U didnt say shit but u dont need to say shit to make me feel like shit u know tht right? How do i change that? Im not an empathetic person. Bc all u giving me is i felt dis like ghorl there no one as guilty as i am here so dont start to think that wla rkoy pake bc i care donita. and i cud never turn back tym to change tht. I told jens about imong feelings kang green not to bring u down but bc i care about whats going on thts why i did that. I never meant ill and youre entitled to like or dislike them basi sa imong gusto. And she has never changed her mind about what she thinks of u maybe dli lng jd mi sang ayun sa imo opinion about dpat jd ibasi ang relationship sa financial side of it pero nirespeto ko sa imo opinion. Sakto ka na kaylangan ig sulod sa relationship naa puy ikabuga ang lalaki (in this case) sa relationship but not entirely just about it. And i know u understand pero at the moment dili dha nagfocus ila relationship. Gpabaya rman sd tka cuz u know what ur doin. I said spoiled brat basi sa akong nakita sa imo trato sa imo mama sa real life. Not in all aspects ka spoiled donita i know u earn ur own money and u are independent pero i hope u see din kung unsa gipakita sa imo mama unsa ka kalove nya. Dli nlng pirmi negative unta akong madunggan about sa imo mama. Dli lng ko katoleeate og disrespect sa mga inahan every time i see it. Same exact reason why i didnt like how marich treated her mother. Akong morals will still remain the same. And if musaway ka ana then u not seeing clearly how much kaimportante imong mama. Wla ko niside sa imo mama niside ko sa unsa akong gpamati. Sge if dako kaayu kag trust issue sa ako then dont tell me shit anymore and mas maayu pa dli nlng jd ta magtingganay. I jst want to tell u everything and what u made me feel din kaysa i jst let u down me. if dako kaayu tu sa imo then dli sd tu nko gbaliwala. Abi nmo sayun rtu nko nanghitaboa sa una pero fck if wla jd koy paki nmo ghorl hagbay nko nigive up sa atuang friendship. Im not perfect yes and ive done mistakes yes pero asa mn ko muposition sa akong self when all u want is perfection. I dont know how to show care emotionally to someone and it comes off snobbish. Kaya thts why i appreciate jens a lot for showing me how much i do need to be loved bisag dli nko deserve og naging open sha without judgement. U dont know half of whats going on with me and as much as i want u to realise i condone not to bc i will never put down my walls. Dli lng nko gpakit pero never ko niretaliate nmo. Bahala nag maglagut ka nko pero wla jd koy kalagut sa imo. Bisag unsa pna kasakit imo gpafeel nko. Kay i protected tht friendship og akong icontinue nag tolerate bisag nasakitan nko. Kabalo ko akong sayup pero gkpoy nsd kog try oi na wlay kahumanan ning butanga. So dont need to make me feel like bobo ako kay i understand every single word u said. Gkpoy nlmg kog care. Dli mn ko pareha ninyu ni jens na emotional na tao. Kaya sorry sa tanan hinanakit whether u think thts insincere or not. Sa mga time na gdisrespect tika og wla ko naging patient. If dli na klaro sa ako gpakita nmo den ill try harder. But i cant work with someone who doesnt even wanna give me a chance. At least thats what you made me feel over the yrs. And i will not change my morals esp if dli ko sang ayun sa imong gpangbuhat. I always want to know where ure coming from donita, but today its time for u to hear me too and for that im tired.

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wordsidneversaytoyou · 3 years

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realisation

It was the fact that the amount of times I doubted my relationship with runa just because I was concerned of you and your jealousy of him led me to think that maybe I should just end it with him because that's how much I valued you and our friendship. Kasi sino ba naman sya when I have known you for how many years in comparison to the months that we have just known each other right? I was willing to let that all go and had always thought of you. Questioning what was really wrong and why you couldn’t be happy for me. It broke my heart when recently I have talked to runa and he expressed how difficult it was for him to understand me when I cannot choose him over you because he knew how torn I was between you two but he still chose to understand me because he knew you were my bestfriend and I would always choose you over him no matter what and you were just protective of me. - let me just insert this because i think this applies to you right now with ethan. The moment runa knew i had problems between you and him he immediately took actions and approached you. I didn't even have to ask him or tell him what to do, he just did it at his own will because he knew damn well, if actions were not taken he could have lost me or i would have lost my bestfriend. Maybe ethan should've done the same if he really thought about you. I am not saying he is not thinking of you but isn't that a little bit selfish? he knows how much this is already killing you yet he even stretches it til end of the year? is he really allowing you to go through all of this? for what reasons? I just don't understand. Staying silent does not even help at all.

And then you told me perhaps you didn't like runa because you thought you were gonna lose me. In truth I was offended, it felt like all my efforts weren’t even appreciated, I asked so many times asa man ko nagkulang mil? I dont understand how you can’t trust me and always think na makalimtan ra tika just because I have someone else? I don’t know where all of it are coming from? Did you really think nin ana ko ka shallow na amiga mirl na once naa nakoy mauyab or unsa ba makalimut rako nimo?

Remembering the sakuragi incident, I thought it made us stronger and then ethan came along. This time I’m not even hurt about it anymore, I am actually grateful, I told you once is a mistake and it’s enough for a wise man, but twice, I’m pretty sure that’s a choice already, and to show me that twice now, I now know where I stand in you, and the fear that you always had with me na I’ll choose a guy over you, that’s exactly what you made me feel towards you mirl. What’s worse is that I never seen it coming, I never even thought you’d ever do it to me pero you did it not just once but twice. I am not mad honestly mirl if anything, I am grateful and I am always thankful for everything, because at least now I know where I truly stand. You don’t have to feel bad, I am just saying katong tanan na times you got scared because you’d lose me, I hope you know, I always chose you, but your lack of trust in me and in our friendship mao na ang nakawala sa akoa especially when i see na dali raman diay kaayo ka makachoose ug lalake over me. Again, I am not saying this to make you feel bad or anything, if that's really what you want go ahead I will not stop you. I just really don’t know how you did it, but sabi nga nila choose people who choose you and I dont think that just applies to romantic partners, I think it also very much applies to friendship as well. I think choosing other guys over me for twice now already says a lot about where I stand in you mirl and I don't hold grudge or anything. Honestly i don't care anymore and I don't take it against you. Pero you can't blame me for feeling as if you never even thought about how i would feel. So for all its worth, I am grateful na din you were a blessing in disguise to me you kept me away from sakuragi and even to ethan perhaps even to runa so thank you. I am fine. And I hope you are too.

That’s probably why I am so affected with ethan kasi you chose that over me, and i see na wala juy ayo sometimes iyang g pangbuhat, I hope he will be there for you in every ups and downs of your life because I cannot promise to be there anymore not after all of this. When I see you truly be happy, sapat na na at least I can say to myself yea you were right in choosing him over me. And It was all worth it all along. He knows how much this is killing you yet he even stretches it out til end of year what the actual heck. He better do it by then or my respect is so out in the trash right now. You telling me you're fighting for this guy, there is nothing wrong with that but i hope you realise that he is the one putting you in battles you shouldn't even fight.

One thing I ask of you, please promise me na you won’t ever let this guy break you whatever happens. I can’t fully say na ma ok ta tanan after ani because this some whirlwind. Pero I know that I will still care for you. If we can all get pass this, and I’ll get over this too, know that I will still be here for you. I am sorry as well if im taking it personally na but i really do hope you understand everything that you are doing here. So please dont break your heart. I still love you but damn this is making me mad. Don’t ever wear you heart on your sleeves, if he is not willing to do as much as you can for him.

I hope you have a merry christmas and God bless you always.

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ananoskov · 6 years

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💝🍵💟💖 (IT'S YA GIRL)

💝 What was their most recent serious relationship?

Ana has only ever had two serious relationships. The first would be with the father of her daughter, luna. ( @wclven ). They met when they were in Russia, and she basically left everything for him. He’s still a very big part of her life, intimately more than emotionally now though. ( that’s very arguable ).

The second would have to be Rick ( @rick-dahlstrom ), and even though neither would use the word relationship, it kind of feels like one. Many might think it’s a little fast, but Ana isn’t always the most patient person. Even if they aren’t together, he’s been someone really important for her sanity, amongst other things.

🍵 Do they prefer to ask out a partner or be asked?

Ana isn’t opposed to asking someone else since she’s the type of person who sees something she wants and goes after it. However, now she’s a little more cautious with that since she has a little girl to think about as well. Her actions weight a little more heavily than they did in the past. But, there’s nothing sexier to her than a man who’s able to take control and come up to her. So, I would have to say she would rather be asked out.

💟 What is their stance on PDA?

It’s all about the location and the moment in question. She probably wouldn’t do anything too drastic around her daughter, or in a place like a grocery store. However, she’s done a lot of things in restaurants, in the middle of a dinning room or in the back of a cab. She’s very adventurous and doesn’t give two shits about what people think. So if someone catches her with her underwear around her ankles while she’s sitting at a table with a hot man in a fancy restaurant, then so be it. She only has one life to live.

💖 How do they say ‘I love you’ without really saying it?

Ana does little things to say she loves people. Whether it’s leaving notes around, preparing unexpected meals, or some kind of date night. They’re all things that lets people know that she cares for them and have been paying attention to them. Other times, she will leave secret kisses with lipstick on her lips for them to find later ( usually when she leaves before them and they’re still asleep ), but most of the time, she’s going to be very verbal about it since she likes to let people know how much they mean to her given that we’re never guaranteed a tomorrow.

#( — answered. )#( — meme. )#rick-dahlstrom

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vivywhulandary · 4 years

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ramadan day 3 - Khushu’ (sincerity and concentration during salah)

In my effort to get closer relationship with Allah SWT, I want to start by improving the quality of my solah. I found out that sometimes (read: most of the time) I get easily distracted and lost focus while performing solah. Ibn Abbas once said ‘you will gain nothing from your prayer except what you focus on’ (Madaarij As-Salikeen). Allah SWT also mentions in hadith Qudsi,“Out of all the ways through which my servant gets closer to Me, Salah is the dearest to Me” (Bukhari). That’s why I take this as a serious matter.

So, how do I keep concentrate in my khushu’ and even if I do get distracted, how to i get back on the track? The crucial root of the problem is I don’t fully understand the meaning of the words. To make sure my mind stays in place during solah or other worship that I be doing. I decided to give myself a little homework during this Ramadan.

“Successful indeed are the believers. Those who offer their Salah (prayers) with all solemnity and full submissiveness” (Surah Al-Mu’minun 23: 1–2)

So I’ve been study the translations of the recitations carried out during solah to help me establish a deeper bond with Allah SWT, (EV-English version, MIV-Malaysia/Indonesion version);

Takbir

الله أكبر - “Allahu Akbar”

EV - Allah is the Greatest.

MIV - Allah Maha Besar.

Recitation before surat al-Fatiha (*there are several du’a, here is what I practice)

اللهُ اَكْبَرُ كَبِرًا وَالْحَمْدُ لِلهِ كَشِيْرًا وَسُبْحَانَ اللهِ بُكْرَةً وَاَصِيْلًا . اِنِّى وَجَّهْتُ وَجْهِيَ لِلَّذِيْ فَطَرَالسَّمَاوَاتِ وَالْااَرْضَ حَنِيْفًا مُسْلِمًا وَمَا اَنَا مِنَ الْمُشْرِكِيْنَ . اِنَّ صَلَاتِيْ وَنُسُكِيْ وَمَحْيَايَ وَمَمَاتِيْ لِلهِ رَبِّ الْعَا لَمِيْنَ . لاَ شَرِيْكَ لَهُ وَبِذَ لِكَ اُمِرْتُ وَاَنَ مِنَ الْمُسْلِمِيْنَ . - “ Allaahu akbaru Kabiraa Walhamdulillaahi Katsiiraa, Wa Subhaanallaahi Bukratan Wa’ashiilaa, Innii Wajjahtu Wajhiya Lilladzii Fatharas Samaawaati Wal Ardha Haniifan Musliman Wamaa Anaa Minal Musyrikiin. Inna Shalaatii Wa Nusukii Wa Mahyaaya Wa Mamaatii Lillaahi Rabbil ‘Aalamiina. Laa Syariikalahu Wa Bidzaalika Umirtu Wa Ana Minal Muslimiin. ”

EV - Allah is great and perfect, all praise is only to Allah, the praise of the many, and the most holy of Allah in the morning and evening, I face my face (my heart) to the god who created the heavens and the earth in a state of righteousness and surrender, not of the idolaters, my prayer, my worship, my life and my death is only for Allah, the god of the universe, there is no partner for him and by that I am commanded not to associate him, and I am a class of Muslims.

MIV - Allah Maha Besar dengan sebesar-besarnya, segala puji bagi Allah dengan pujian yang banyak. Maha Suci Allah pada waktu pagi dan petang. Sesungguhnya aku hadapkan wajahku kepada Allah yang telah menciptakan langit dan bumi dengan segenap kepatuhan atau dalam keadaan tunduk, dan aku bukanlah dari golongan orang-orang yang menyekutukan-Nya. Sesungguhnya sholatku, ibadahku, hidup dan matiku hanyalah untuk Allah Tuhan Semesta Alam, yang tidak ada sekutu bagi-Nya. Dengan yang demikian itulah aku diperintahkan. Dan aku adalah termasuk orang-orang muslim (Orang-orang yang berserah diri).

Al-Fatiha

أَعُوْذُ بِاللَّهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطَانِ الرَّجِيمِِْ . بِسْمِ اللّٰهِ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِ - “Aodhobilah Audhu billahi minash shaitanir rajeem”. “Bismilahi rahmani rahim”

EV - I seek Refuge with Allah from Satan, the accursed. In the Name of Allah, the Most Beneficent, the Most Merciful

MIV - Aku berlindung dengan Allah dari syaitan yang direjam. Dengan nama Allah Yang Maha Pemurah, Yang Maha Penyayang.

اَلْحَمْدُ لِلّٰهِ رَبِّ الْعٰلَمِيْنَۙ الرَّحْمٰنِ الرَّحِيْمِۙ مٰلِكِ يَوْمِ الدِّيْنِۗ اِيَّاكَ نَعْبُدُ وَاِيَّاكَ نَسْتَعِيْنُۗ اِهْدِنَا الصِّرَاطَ الْمُسْتَقِيْمَ ۙ صِرَاطَ الَّذِيْنَ اَنْعَمْتَ عَلَيْهِمْ ەۙ غَيْرِ الْمَغْضُوْبِ عَلَيْهِمْ وَلَا الضَّاۤلِّيْنَ - “Alhamdu lillahi rabbil alamin. Ar-rahmanir rahim. Maliki yaumi din. Iyaka na’budu wa iyaka nastain. Ihdinas siratal mustaqim. Siratal lazina ‘an amta alaihim Ghairil maghdubi alaihim wa laddalin”

EV - All the praises are for Allah, the Sustainer of all the worlds, the Beneficent, the Merciful, Lord of the Day of Judgment. You alone do we worship and You alone do we ask for help. Lead us along the straight path, the path of those upon whom You have bestowed Your favours, not of those who incurred Your wrath, nor (of those who) went astray.

MIV - Segala puji tertentu bagi Allah, Tuhan yang Memelihara dan Mentadbirkan sekalian alam. Yang Maha Pemurah, lagi Maha Mengasihani. Yang Menguasai pemerintahan hari Pembalasan (hari akhirat). Engkaulah sahaja (Ya Allah) Yang Kami sembah dan kepada Engkaulah sahaja kami memohon pertolongan. Tunjukilah kami jalan yang lurus. Iaitu jalan orang-orang yang Engkau telah kurniakan nikmat kepada mereka, bukan (jalan) orang-orang yang Engkau telah murkai dan bukan pula (jalan) orang-orang yang sesat.

Ruku

سُبْحَانَ رَبِّىَ الْعَظِيْمِ وبحمده - “Subhana Rabbiyal Adheemi wa bihamdih”

EV - Glory be to my Lord, the Almighty.

MIV - Maha Suci Tuhanku Yang Maha Besar dengan segala sifatNya yang terpuji.

Qayyam

سَمِعَ اللَّهُ لِمَنْ حَمِدَه رَبَّنَـا لَكَ الْحَمْدُ - “Sami Allahu liman hamidah Rabbana lakal hamd”

EV - Allah hears those who praise Him. Oh our Lord, all praise is to You.

MIV - Allah mendengar perkataan mereka yang memujiNya. Ya Tuhan Kami, untukMu segala pujian.

Sajdah

سُبْحَانَ رَبِّىَ الأَ عْلَى وبحمده - “Subhana Rabbiyal ala wa bihamdih ”

EV - Glory be to my Lord, the Most High.

MIV - Maha Suci Tuhanku Yang Maha Tinggi dengan segala kepujiannya.

Jalasah

رَبِّ اغْفِرْ لِي، وَارْحَمْنِي، وَاجْبُرْنِي، وَارْفَعْنِي، وَارْزُقْنِي، وَاهْدِنِي وعافني واعف عني - “Rabbigfirli warhamni wajburni warfagni warzuqni wahdini wa a’fini wa’fu anni”

EV - O Allah forgive me, have mercy on me, pardon me, set me right, guide me, and sustain me

MIV - Wahai Tuhanku, ampunilah aku, rahmatilah aku, lindungilah aku dan angkatlah darjatku berilah aku rezeki, dan berilah petunjuk kepadaku, afiatkanlah aku dan ampunilah aku.

Tashahhud

التَّحِيَّاتُ الْمُبَارَكَاتُ، الصَّلَوَاتُ الطَّيِّبَاتُ لِلَّهِ، السَّلَامُ عَلَيْكَ أَيُّهَا النَّبِيُّ وَرَحْمَةُ اللهِ وَبَرَكَاتُهُ، السَّلَامُ عَلَيْنَا وَعَلَى عِبَادِ اللهِ الصَّالِحِينَ، أَشْهَدُ أَنْ لَا إِلَهَ إِلَّا اللهُ، وَأَشْهَدُ أَنَّ مُحَمَّدًا رَسُولُ اللهِ - “Attahiyyaatul mubaarokaatus solawaatut toyyibaatu lillaah, assalaamu’alaika ayyuhannabiyyu wa rohmatullaahi wa barokaatuh, assalaamu ‘alainaa wa ‘alaa ‘ibaadillaahissoolihiin, ashadu anlaa ilaha illallaah, wa ashhadu anna muhammadan rosuulullaah.”

EV - Greeting, all respect, all the gifts, all exaltation and praise belongs to Allah. All the protection and maintenance for you, O Prophet, and the grace of God and all of His gifts. All the protection and maintenance of hope given to us and to the servants of God are righteous. I testify there is no god except Allah and that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah.

MIV - Segala penghormatan yang berkat solat yang baik adalah untuk Allah. Sejahtera atas engkau wahai Nabi dan rahmat Allah serta keberkatannya. Sejahtera ke atas kami dan atas hamba-hamba Allah yang soleh. Aku naik saksi bahawa tiada Tuhan melainkan Allah dan aku naik saksi bahawasanya Muhammad itu adalah pesuruh Allah.

Darood Sharif

اللَّهُمَّ صَلِّ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ كَمَا صَلَّيْتَ عَلَى إبْرَاهِيم وعَلَي آلِ إِبْرَاهِيمَ و بَارِِكْ عَلَى مُحَمَّدٍ وَعَلَى آلِ مُحَمَّدٍ كَمَا بَارَكْتَ عَلَى إبراهيم و علي آلِ إِبْرَاهِيمَ في العالمين إِنَّكَ حَمِيدٌ مَجِيدٌ - “Allahumma solli’ala Muhammad wa’ala ali Muhammad. Kama sollaita’ala Ibrahim wa’ala ali Ibrahim. Wabarik ‘ala Muhammad wa’ala ali Muhammad.Kama barakta ‘ala Ibrahim wa’ala ali Ibrahim fil ‘alamin innaka hamidummajid.”

EV - My God, honor Muhammad and Muhammad’s family as you honored Abraham and Abraham’s family Surely, you are praiseworthy, the Great My God, bless Muhammad and Muhammad’s family as you blessed Abraham and Abraham’s family Surely, you are praiseworthy, the Great.

MIV - Ya Allah, berilah rahmat kepada Penghulu kami Nabi Muhammad dan keluarga Muhammad. Sebagaimana Engkau merahmati Nabi Ibrahim dan keluarga Nabi Ibrahim. Berkatilah penghulu kami Nabi Muhammad dan keluarga Penghulu kami Muhammad. Sebagaimana Engkau memberkati Nabi Ibrahim dan keluarga Nabi Ibrahim. Di alam semesta ini, Engkau sahajalah Yang Paling Terpuji dan Yang Paling Mulia.

Salaam

اَلسَّلامُ عَلَيْكَ اَيُّها ٱلنَّبِىُّ وَ رَحْمَةُ اللهِ - “Assalamu ‘alai'kum warah'matullaah”

EV - May Allah’s peace, mercy and blessings be upon you.

MIV - Selamat sejahtera untuk semuanya bersama rahmat Allah.

I hope it may benefit us all.

May peace be upon you. Love, v.

#betterme #vivywhulandary #fa #ramadan #ramadan reflection

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anastevenss-blog · 5 years

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A Rising Girl

It was a sunny, warm morning. As soon as I got out of the shower, I already had in my mind that it would be a long, arduous day. The temperature would be around forty-five degrees, and the humidity was intense. As usual, my mother always made sure to leave our lunch ready so we would not be late for school. My youngest brother, Daniel, and I had an extended walk to school. On average, the route could be done in thirty-five minutes, but most of the time my brother could not stand walking for too long and we always had to stop somewhere to rest. The place chosen was usually a convenience store located near the park, which was halfway between our house and the school. We were mesmerized with the candy and soft drinks on display, but it was a distant reality for us—one we would eventually have to accept. After the separation of my parents, we moved from the great city of Sao Paulo to the city of Manaus, located in northern Brazil, where some relatives of my mother lived. Apparently, my mother decided to move closer to her family to receive support on the challenging path of raising her two young children as a single mother. However, it was not easy; our money was tight and by the end of the month we had almost nothing to eat. I often saw my mother put the last remaining food on our plates and when we asked if she would join us for dinner she always said, "I'm not hungry right now kids, but I’ll eat something later.", though “later” never seemed to come.

The weather in Manaus throughout the year was very hot and humid; during the summer it was even more intense. These conditions made the commute to and from school a challenge. We could either take a public bus that had long routes and was typically hot and crowded, or walk for thirty-five minutes in the scorching sun. For the most part, we preferred to walk to school instead of taking ourselves on adventurous bus rides filled with people who at seven o’clock in the morning would have a strong aroma of sweat on their skin. However, as soon as I arrived at school, I would run to the bathroom to change my t-shirt after long walks under the intense sun of Manaus, I had to make sure that I would not be smelling like a skunk upon arriving to class. Being worried about my smell was only one of the things that went through my mind. Among them were my insatiable attempts to fit in with the rest of the students; the bullying was inevitable. Our socioeconomic difference was clear, but I could tell that I had a friend there, and his name was Matheus. Tall, brown hair, honey-colored eyes, braces on his teeth, and a voice that differs him from the rest of the boys his age. At age 15 he already had a voice that could easily be confused with a robust man in his 35 years. Of all these characteristics there was one that was not readily apparent. He was gay. We came from two very different worlds, but we shared something in common: the feeling of being ignored. Although he was considered privileged in our society, he still suffered a lot of bullying due to his sexual orientation. This made us have a static connection when we first met. We had a very peculiar relationship; however, we related very well. I did not have much to offer besides being a loyal friend; however, he always invited me over to his house and paid for things. Not only Matheus but also his mother, Mrs. Emilia, was very kind and courteous with me.

Every time we went to Matheus's house to study, Mrs. Emilia was always impeccable; nails done, her beautiful brushed blond hair and her makeup perfectly appropriate and matching her fabulous clothing from famous designers. The first time I met her I couldn’t deny noticing her eccentric appearance, yet her personality was sweet and her voice soft and delicate like the sound of the birds. She knew that Matheus was far from being the most popular boy in school, and my friendship with him was much appreciated by her. She always had a fascination in knowing more about me, but I tried to keep myself as quiet as possible. I never felt comfortable with my financial situation at that moment, and my shy side always predominated. It was not easy to face the drastic changes in my life that year because I was dealing with bullying, my hormones, and the separation of my parents. As a result, my state of mind was affected but deep down I always carried the hope of someday accomplishing my greatest dream of not being another statistic.

After a few months of arriving in Manaus, things were finally beginning to take shape; and the adjustment period was finally coming to an end. Although things at school remained the same, my life at home changed drastically. One of my fondest memories was coming home from school to a refrigerator full of fresh fruits and vegetables—something that was extremely rare before. In addition, my mother seemed to have more spare change laying around which afforded me the opportunity to purchase ice cream on the hot summer days. I never questioned where the money came from, but I was in fact always curious. One day, my mother pulled me aside and explained the situation, albeit a sensitive one.

“Ana, could you please pass me the butter?” he asked me in a very soft and polite way. “Also, would you mind giving me the coffee?” We were all sitting down at the kitchen as a family, while mother finished preparing the rest of the pancakes. Daniel and I loved my mom’s pancakes filled with bananas and pecans, and every Sunday we had the pleasure of tasting those delights, though it seemed we were not the only ones to have the privilege to taste those. He was in his late forties, tall, long and dark hair, his features were heavy and his voice thick with authority. He didn’t look like someone that used to live in Manaus. For the most part we could tell he was smart and a good-looking guy, but was he a good fit for my mom? When my mom told us about her new relationship with Roberto a million things came through my mind. I couldn’t understand why such a good-looking guy with a decent amount of money in his bank account would see my mom as a potential girlfriend. Not that my mom wasn’t a nice person, or had anything bad related to her, but for the simple fact that she was a divorced, single mom with two kids, that would be enough to frighten any single guy. For a long period of time I kept myself skeptical about the whole situation; in addition, seeing my mom with another person who wasn’t my dad was not the most comfortable situation for me. Regardless of the fact, we had to learn how to adapt. He provided us with things that my mom would never be able to afford living on her own.

After 6 months my mom and Roberto decided to move in together to a neighborhood called Ponta Negra in Manaus, filled with the most modern and fanciest homes in the city. I have the clearest memories on my mind from the day we drove past the gates from that fancy and secluded condo called, Laranjeiras. I knew from now on that my life would change drastically and my brother and I would finally have better opportunities. With the time, that heavy and dark shadow wouldn’t follow my thoughts anymore. I no longer had weights on my back, or negative thoughts on my mind every time I saw them together. Roberto acted to be someone that carried about us, and willing to move in with my mom and us seemed to be a big deal. We were far away from being the perfect traditional family, but as the days passed our affection grew more and more.

Relocating to the new part of the city, we had to transfer to a new school. With our new financial situation, we could afford one of the best private schools in Manaus. Having the opportunity to start over and stay away from all the bullying from my past school brought me a profound peaceful state of mind. But transferring to a new school also meant that I’d no longer have my friend, Matheus, around that often. Since we no longer frequented the same school, we used to spend long hours on the phone, sharing about our lives and concerns. And one day on the phone I remember saying: “Matheus, I know that right now things have settled down and Roberto proved to be a good person, but my gut tells me that he is still hiding something from us”. To calm me down, Matheus reminded me that I had the habit of overreacting sometimes, and that could be a perfect example of it. I didn’t have any concrete reason to feel that way, so I told myself to move on and forget about it.

When Christmas time approached mother had a special idea of throwing a party at our house for our closest friends and family. From my mom’s side of the family we had the presence of my grandmother, my aunt and her three daughters, and her cousin. From Roberto’s family we had the pleasure of hosting more people than expected. Distant cousins and friends that were never around always decided to come whenever the word “party” was announced. When dinner began Roberto decided to convoke everybody around the big marble table that we had on our dinning room to say the prayer; however, something unexpected happened.

While Roberto gave his speech before dinner, he suddenly started to cough unceasingly, as my mom tried to help him, thinking that he had chocked on something he started to spit blood. His first attempt was trying to clean his bloody hands, pretending that nobody saw what was happening, but as clear as the sky that day, we knew he wasn’t doing fine. “Ana, please call the emergency right now. We need to take him to the hospital as soon as possible”. Mother shouted to me, with a hearty and overly warm voice. She tried to act calm but was evident that she was shocked as everybody else in that room. After a couple minutes the only thing that I could remember is the paramedics getting inside the house with the stretcher and the medical equipment. Everything happened really fast and in a very unexpected way. It wasn’t that kind of situation when you know that someone is very sick and something like that could happen any time. The thoughts that came through our minds was that he was hiding his health condition for a long time.

My grandmother, Leia, stayed at home taking care of Daniel and me while mother headed up to the hospital with Roberto. After the big drama was over and everyone had left the house we tried to contact my mom to have any updates on Roberto’s situation; however, she hadn’t forgot her phone at home. Next morning, grandma woke us up and said that we needed to get ready soon to visit Roberto at the hospital; she said my mom had called during the night and wanted us to be there in the morning. Grandma’s face didn’t seem very hopeful, but deep down in my heart I needed to keep positive.

Getting into the hospital mother came right away toward us and the only thing that she could do was hug us as tight as she could. I was able to predict that no good news was coming and wasn’t easy for any of us to get into that situation, but I needed to stay strong, strong for my mother that for the second time was losing her spouse. Noting compared with the first time when our father abandoned us and run away with a twenty-year-old, but still sad for her struggle. Finally, after recomposing herself mother had the strength to tell us what was going on. Roberto was in a final stage of his stomach cancer and didn’t had much time left. He was fighting through it for over eight months but being in such a advanced stage wasn’t much left to be done. The doctor gave him three weeks left.

Mother had left the room with Daniel; they went to the cafeteria and was only me and Roberto at the room. He suddenly opens his eyes and say: “Make sure too keep being this wonderful girl that you are. I am very fortunate to have the opportunity to meet your mother and you guys, and as a final wish I want you to keep taking care of your mom and your younger brother.” I couldn’t hold my tears and starts to cry wishing it was just a bad dream, but it wasn’t, and I had to keep going. Before mother was back in the room Roberto had a cardiac arrest and died at ten forty-two in the night of August nineteen two thousand thirteen.

Roberto came into our lives quickly and left us not only his fortune but the lesson of compassion with the ones in need and the desire to help it. Meeting us when we could barely afford what to eat make us very appreciative of his kindness and we wanted to give it back in a certain way to our community. Since two thousand fifth teen mother has been administrating an ONG called Portas Abertas, where we provide help for families in need, offering for food, shelter, and free education delivering a better opportunity for the less fortunate ones. Last year with the help of our community as a whole and all the donations made, we helped over two hundred and fifty families in need. Besides all the upside downs that my family and I have been through, we see nowadays in the bigger picture that everything in life is a lesson that need to be learn. I appreciate the hard moments in my life because they helped me built my character and transform me in a better person. And no matter where Roberto is I know he has been looking after us.

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kingkimono · 4 years

Text

All my Thoughts During the Breakup

16/2/20

If he ever goes back to Bacolod:

- Beach Trip with chips and drinks, watch a movie sa beach and chill out. Atleast for the first time and last time dinala ko siya sa kung san ako nakafeel ng peace.

Diba nga we shouldnt wait na, im done wishing and regretting. We've been in such a rough path, at times we gave up but still fought and eventually naubusan ka ng gana. But I want you to know, my mind is sure na I will pick you over and over and over again till my last breath of air. I planned for this for almost 2 months, I've always wanted to bring you here but never got the chance.

*kneel*

John Christian Villarete Entrata, right here right now we're under a thousand stars and under a midnight sky shining above us. My journey with you has been such great ride that I dont want for it to end. I dont want to ever regret not doing this.

I vow to help you love life. I vow to be patient with whatever love demands. To share my voice when you are silent. I vow to live in your heart and to call it my home forever.

I vow to love you in all forms now and forever. I promise to you that I will engrave it to my heart that this is a once in a lifetime love. I promise to the universe that I will love you and your soul.

I promise to you in the most deepest and in sincerest form that no matter what challenges may arise in the future we will always. always. find our path towards each other.

palanggaon taka adlaw-adlaw, lutuan ta ka sang paborito mo sud-an always. panaad di tagid ka pabay-an. Ini tanan para sa imu.

I love you. I want to love you everyday for the rest of my life. I want to take care of you like there's no tomorrow, I promise not to leave you, to always cherish every moment with you. I want my present and future to be with you. Every single part of you.

19/2/20

the moment he chatted you he already knew the probability of it happening. to think bago k palang sa gnung situation.

sht ako na humahabol, i needed you to hold on for us. if we can fix it then bskit ayaw mo. You care for his feelings pero pano ako? Mas lamang pa ba sha kaysa sako. sa pinagdaanan natin?

21/2/20

Saw a bunch of pics sa phone mo and sht hurts haha! He gave you a hickey diay sa? I used to do that hahaha sht sakita. sakit kaayo. The fact na magkasama tayo right now, the fact na nasa tabi kita shit sakita. The fact na may kausap kang iba tas katabi kita ITS FUCKING TORTURE. Anong magagawa ko? Kahit masakit lahat ng to okay nalang no? Ayokong mawala ka e. Masgusto kong katabi kita e, mas gusto kong samahan ka e. Sarap umiyak hahahaha pero sige nalang.

Masaya ka naman sa pictures nyo, kahit pta parang tinatanggal ung puso ko looking at the pics. Nasa isip ko nalang basta masaya ka. basta masaya ka. Yun mahalaga. Bahala ng masakit sa part ko importante masaya ka. Sarap mag beg ulet hahaha. kung pwede lang

Shet sa, Jan 30 na nagchat and sht 15 days nalang ohhh shettt di pa umabot sa plano ko aghh ptangina.

Hold my ear again please? haha you used to play with it man sauna, I missed your hand. Kahit sa sandaling yun pwedeng itigil ang oras? Pwedeng 10 more minutes ato? Wil lalways have a soft spot for you fuck.

Bahala na, matuloy lang March 21 okay nako.

23/2/20

Things I want to say...

ROTC

The whole time. Sakit kaayo ato, a part of me ayaw kang makasama but a big part sako man ganahan ka ubanan, yokong magisa ka. Gusto kitang samahan. Shit the whole time na nung nakupo tayo tas you were playing with my ear puta fucking torture. for you to chat him during those time ptaa sarap magpakamatay nun pero sht mahal kita e. Kahit masakit i wanted you to hold my ear, i wanted you to nap lang. Fuck sana ako parin yung kachat mo gabi2. sana ako yung sumusundo sayo. Sana ako yung nagpapasaya sayo.

Sana nung isang time sa rotc nung before raati and you played with my ear sabe ko nun sa isip ko "Lord pedeng itigil nyo ung time, pwedeng dito lang kahit ngayon lang." Soft spot ko yun e, you always played with it man. Nung natutulog ka tas rested sa may thigh ko the whole time nakatingin lng ako sayo. Sabe ko "wag ka munag gumising, dyan ka lang. dyan ka lang" Shet I didnt want it to end kahit yun lang.Opened your phone ato and wala nasira din ako nun pero wala akong magawa, wala lang naman ako.

MASAKIT

YUNG SHT pag nag chat ka diretso chat ko because shet naisip mokong kausapin. When i try to talk to you e inbox lang ako. Napakasakit na part dun? At that moment may own problems ka with your new lover habang ako, ikaw ung iniisip ko lagi. Kung baga may problem ka with him and like shet para talagang walang ngyre satin. Like the whole time we were togethe ris just GONE.

Sht bai like fuck di mo ba naisip how traumatic, how painful, how sht I feel? Sht I want to be next to you pero you have someone else and fuck pinapatay ko sarili ko.

Replaceable

Naisip ko am I really that easy to replace? The point is okay depende yan sa tao on how fast they move on and all pero di mo ba naisip sa part ko? To respect me? Ung pinagdaanan natin? Fuck everyday iniisip ko nalang shet ganun lang kabilis palitan, kalimutan, pagsabihan na ayaw na. Fuck kase natrauma talaga ako, ang sakit talagang isipin. To think you found someone na, nakalimutan nako sa mga pinagdaanan natin, mga trips and carnival times and everything! Sht

Right now nasa other relationship ka worrying about that pero sht ako stuck satin, nmmroblema ako kase sht umaasa ako na kahit isang butil ng bigas na size na love meron ka sako.

First Love

Alam kong di ako pala date and ikaw lang cinonsider ko as my first real relationship, because of you ive changed for the better. I did stuff i never thought id do. Lahat ng to ginawa ko para sayo, fuck i love you that much. Iniisp ko nalang kung minahal mo ba talaga ako kade chan ang sakit sakit na wala lang ako sayo, like im like any other person sa room. Fuckkk

28/2/20

its so easy for you to say move on, na ayaw mo na na dili naka. its bc you already found someone to fill the hole that im the one thats suppose to complete that. Its so easy for you kase you dont have to worry naman, all your love for me you gave it to him.

In the process of all these things if he wasnt in the picture or anyone in general then there would've been a higher probabilty of you coming back sako. You've given so much emotions and care for this new person na dumating that you forget about me na, na you think okay ra bc you yourself kay steady naman, you dont have to worry naman.

The amount of trauma and pain this brings me baya. Lets say di ka nga naghanap lain and you were still single and I didnt want to get back together. Theres still a respect jpon ba kay shempre dugay baya ta, naa jud tay gipagdaanan together. Sa ginawa mo and how fast things are going I cant help not to feel this way.

Imagine if you were in my shoes, ano mararamdaman mo? Kase with all thats happening may someone kana to kung baga a safety net because if nag antay ka o hinde naa kana someone. The point is i needed you to hold on gamay ra, never ever jd ko nakathink na mangitag lain, during those times need ko tlga iprocess everything. Imagine mo while ga heal i found out naa diay ka bago, how shtty jud sa feeling ana nakakaoff guard. Out of all ppl thst i thought would understand ikaw pa jud gaingani. Jaya madali sbhin para sayo na move on nako.

How can i move on kung in the first place di ganto ang iniisip ko ever. How can i move on kung gaheal ko from what happened tas someone comes into the picture tas suddenly you want us to be friends nalang. Di mo ba inisip yun? I feel so replaceable, na madaling iwan, ipagpalit agad2. Never ko inisip na maghanap lain because you are here! Us! I believe in us, na this is the one big wave in the rlntship kung san maayo nato and its infinite na. Pero hinde, u decided to give your heart agad, to leave me. Thst in it self is a choice.

6/3/20

Realization:

Found out na he told his roommate na sauna na dugay na siya ganahan makipag bulag, di nya magawa because ayaw nya na siya ang makipagbulag and probability of mag mahay. The one time makipagbulag ko was like a ticket for what he always wanted. The ticket to set him free. Now I realized na the reason why he doesn't want to fight for us, why he's okay with everything, why he doesn't care about me, why its so easy for him.

An analogy kung san there's one room full of boxes, boxes that represent us, you and me. It's like you were preparing your boxes in a corner and everything packed up. You were just waiting for the one thing for me to breakup so you could bring everything of your boxes. I was too busy loving you na di ko namalayan you were already packing your things, to leave the moment I said those words. Its why im stunned, why I feel lost, confused, in pain. Then I realized the moment I entered that room, it was my boxes nalang natira.

I never thought to myself to breakup up completely or to even find another, I know for a fact that what I felt during those moments were real and I had all the right to feel them. Prinsipyo ko is di ako makipagbulag but the one time those words came out my mouth thats when you felt relief.

Just to make it clear lang, wala ko gamahay na nakigbulag saimo or with what happening right now. Now I know kung bakit ganito. The only mahay I feel is that I believed in your promises but okay ra. I know di ako magmahay because I know for a fact that it was never my intention to breakup and it was not my fault to begin with. and never my fault to feel that way and all the efforts I made. With whatever mindset that you have right now e respect ko yan.

Thats the thing jud kase ive been looking at this problem in different angles pero wala jud ko kathink ug any other reasons pa onto why you dont want to fightna, its like kung anong e reason mo sobrang kulang, sobrang babaw. Nung nalaman ko na ganun na pala mindset mo before thats when it all hit me. Kaya madali mong na move on, so totoo lahat ung sinabe mo that very night nakigbulag ko.

Point of the matter is I was hurt with what you did and tyes I told you na dili nako pero in my mind you always chase the person you love man. With the knowledge about you wanting to leave this relationship in the first place prang it was a ticket out for you. We could fix it but yes karon new set of reasons napud and thats okay. Sabe nga diba pag gusto may paraan, kung ayaw may dahilan. Masyado akong naniwala satin na di ko namalayan hinanda mo na palang matapos haha.

I dont think I'll ever get the closure that I need bisag kapila pa ta mag talk. Kase in ever moment that I want to talk about it kulang jud na reason for me. I think I'll find my own closure, kabalo ko not today or tomorrow pero someday. I dont want to force myself onto someone na iba na ang laman ng pusot isipan, di ko rin alam kelan ako titigil sa pagiisip ng ganito. Umaasa nlng ako na siguro balang araw maka self realized nako sa tanan, that I should stop fighting kay ung taong ipinaglalaban ko wala namang gana, na ako lang din ang talo, na ako lang din ung tanga.

Ive always thought na I deserve evrything that you did to me but

8/3/20

patuloy akong lumalaban pero ano pang point? kung yung ipinaglalaban mo ayaw na. Mahal mo na siya e, nahulog kana e. Nung una durog na durog ako and i blamed myself for everything, inisip ko lahat ng sinabe mo na bat ako nakipag break or dapat nag sabe ako na babalik ako.

Pero nung nag sabe sakin yung bird about what you said even before nung break dun nako natauhan, yun na yung piece na magcomplete sa puzzle nato.

Whatever excuse or reason naman kase sabihin mo about what happened between us di parin talaga e. Kulang na kulang and to think ganun lang ako kadali ipagpalit, na sabihan na "kaibigan" lang tayo parang shet haha. Sakin lang narealize mo ung pananakit mo saken kahit late mo ba realize un. I hope balang araw marealize mo din tong sakit na bonigay mo sakin ngayon, with everything that you are doing now.

Now i only ask myself kung kelan ka na fall out of love. nung magkasama tayo ako pa ba nasa isip mo, ako pa ba ang mahal mo nun. Sa lahat ng ngyare satin ngayon iniisip ko nlang lahat ng pinagdaanan natin, nung mga fights na malala nung ldf tayo, na kahit sobrang lala nagawa parin nating ayusin, siguro iba na nga talaga ngayon. Ngayon nawala na pala pagmamahal mo.

Alala mo nung bago pa tayo tas I joined nbdc kase may bacolod event yun? Alala mo nung first natin na pagkita? naalala mo nung first natin na kumain sabay, sa may jollibee. naalala mo nung first time mo dito? alala mo nung pag uuwi nako pabalik duma grabe iyakan natin. tas pagaalis na bus tatawag ka tas maririnig mo nlng ung iyak? naalala mo nung sinurprise kita nung sa bahay tas may fairlights and pictures haha. alala mo nung una mong hinawakan kamay ko? nung unang beses ka nag ily saken? haha.

Wala lang sarap alahanin lahat yun, kase yun ung nagpatibay satin e. Ngayon isa nalang pangarap ko para sayo, sana kung ano man meron sainyo ni josh sana masaya ka lang lagi, sana ingatan ka nya ng mabuti ah? Gusto ko lang namang mapasaya ka and kung si josh na ung magpapasaya sayo, sige nalang. Wala naman na akong laban sakanya.

Ngayon, eto lahat ng to and with everything thats happening. Mahal na mahal kita ah wag mong kakalimutan yan, at dahil mahal kita papalayain na kita okay? Wala nakong laban saknya, kahit ikaw ayaw ng lumaban kaya sige nalang. Im letting you go na ah, puhon kung mahal mo pako balik ka ah?

I love you, mahal kita, ginahigugma taka, palangga taka, ping kanunay

11/3/20

maawa ka sa sarili mo

naaawa ako sa sarili ko, nasa harap ko na yung sakit pero eto parin ako umaasa sa tayo.

buong araw magkasama kayo, sa gabi lang tumatawag, nagchchat. san ba ako banda sa puso mo? anong parte ko sa buhay mo? ganun na ba kababa ng pagkatao ko na madali lang ako mahalin at iwan? madali lang sabihan na namimiss ako pag bored kana? pano nako. nao nako.

13/3/20

even if you do come back

will you remember him whenever we kiss?

will you think of him when im lying next to you?

will you look at me the way you looked at him?

will he be your totga?

will I be the one to fill your heart for now?

am i your temporary home?

there's so many uncertainty with all thats happening right now. do you want me back because you realized how much you truly love me OR do you want me back because he's gone?

He didn't choose you and im here still choosing you everyday and i dont know if thats a good thing or not.

it scares me because the more i spend my time with you, the more that i think about what you two did. what you did to me. how you pushed me away. how i begged for you.

if we're going to make this work i probably need constant assurance from you. its so scary how im letting you back in again

you wanna know the scariest part? its if i do love you again, if i kiss you again, if i hug you again, will you still be thinking of him?

3/23/20

March 23,2020

I wanted to write this down kase its been on my mind a lot lately. I do love him sobra pero it makes me question things na will he ever love me the same way? Nung minahal nya ko nung una babalik pa ba yun?

I'm genuinely happy for him kase may friends na shang madame dito sa SU. Im glad that he's growing as a person and is participating in a lot of activities pero alam mo yung feeling na parang di kana part sa buhay ng isang tao?

Before any of these things happened nung mageenroll pa kame we made a promise na mag uban and together kame sa mga bagay pero di naman talaga pwede ano? Masama ba akong tao kung ayaw ko siya sa ibang tao? Na gusto ko aken lang sha? Di naman completely cut off ppl sa life nya pero tanggalin lang yung mga pinagseselosan o mga nanakit saken. Masama bang hilingin yun?

Honestly i dont know how I feel abt everything right now. All the pain ive been through, sa lahat ng masasakit na bagay na ginawa nya saken. Na palitan ako agad, na hindi lumaban. Kahit ngayon hindi ko na maramdaman yung dati nyang pagmamahal. Di ko alam kung san ako banda sa buhay nya. Its like I lost him.

He's there I can see him. I can talk to him pero theres this feeling na I already lost him. I ask myself if im a bad person for wishing na di sha magkaibigan ng iba, kase takot akong iwan. takot akong masaktan ulit. Bakit nawala siya. Bakit nararamdaman kong wala na ako sakanya.

Di ko alam pano ko nakakaya lahat to. Its like parang nasa isang malaking boardgame ako tas i dont know what im suppose to do. I feel so stuck. i feel so used. i feel so unloved. Bakit hindi nya makita ung sakit na nafefeel ko? Bakit parang kasalanan ko lahat. Kasalanan ko bang maramdaman lahat ng to?

I want him in my life because i love him pero st the same time I wish na sana dun nalang sha sa La salle nag aral. Sana di nagbago setup namin. Bakit bung nasa bcd sha mas minahal nya ako. Bakit kung kailngan magkalapit na kame dun nawala ang pagmamahal. Bakit nung nasa bcd sha andun ung pagmamahal nya. Ang sakit ng lahat. Di ko tlga alam ang gagawin ko.

3/24/20

March 24,2020

If he finds another man. if he chooses another and not me then thats when i'll accept. he never really did love me. ahh sakita sakong heart nganong pasakitan rako nganong ako nalang sige pasakitan.

you didnt even try to talk to me the next day. i waited for you again. you kept saying na I wasnt just for libog. then atleast kamustahin mo naman ako. oo alam kong wala kang responsibility sako pero respetuhin mo naman ako kahit bilang tao.

29/3/20

Naisip ko lang na for us to completely heal from all these issues is maybe we need some time and space apart sa ba.

I want to focus on me kase parang all these time focus lang ako sa pagheal mo na nakalimutan ko din na ako din pala need mag heal. Gusto kong mag move on and heal from what happened satin and what you did. Gusto kong ma embrace yung emotions ko and all my thoughts talaga e. As im healing ikaw din, you can be as free as you like and heal on your own pace ba.

Maybe kaya di ako makaheal is because Im still talking to you. Im okay with us ga follow sa social media and all pero for us to chat mahirap for me. Oo call me marupok/overthinker pero I cant help it if gnito ako thats why need ko muna time for me. As you said di mo nga alam kung takot kang mawala ako and I think thats enough reason for me to realize everything na snbe mo na parang yan na yung heaviest rock you could throw at me.

Di ko snsbeng pagod nakong humabol pero sguro tama ung sinabe mo na "if the universe permits" or mga ana na mindset mo. Siguro kaya lagi akong nag ooverthink is because what if nag heheal ako pero at the end may bago kana and it hit me pud na if kita, kita jud.

Im taking a risk right now and i know murag wala rani para simo akong gitype but its oaky layhan rako makabalo ka. Gusto mo friends ra sa ta and all pero even before tayo maging friends mag heal sa dagay ko kay lisod pa kaayo for me ngayon.

di ko din naman kasalanan kung naghahabol ako sa wala, importante saken humabol ako at di sumusuko. Layhan rako na if mubalik ka, bumalik ka bc love ko nimo like the first time na nagkaila ta, I dont want na bumalik ka for wrong reasons. Di sa laman ta tigchat2 ha? Para din makathink ka for yourself and heal from the pain and i'll do the same.

18/4/20

sha ganahan mag chat ko pero bakit ana ra sa first tas katagalan ako nanaman sige ga make topics ako sige bikis reply ako sige ghulat sa reply nya tas bilis ko pang replyan. Pag napapnsin nya na maikli na replies ko mag send lng sha ng selfie aasa ulit ako. :( alam ko namang di paren sha nakaget over kay ferido. di ko lang alam kung bat nasasaktan at umaasa p sha saknya kaysa sa possibility namen. di ko nga alam kung baket 2 weeks lng get over saken e.

feel ko kung babalik man sha sako baka yun lang nmn tlga pakay nya, mabayaran ko sha at sex. yun lang nmn habol ng muchst sako. di dagay ko worth it mahalun kung igo rako for pleasure. sakit kaayo na mura nakog tanga na nagaantay sa reply, na para bang ako lang may pake na parang pilit lang sakanya. 🥺😞😭 sakit parin ako heart tas ganto pa. sinaktan na gani ko pero hopeful r gihapon, dawaton gihapon. ako raman dagay naay dakong love ani. masasaktan din naman ako sa huli kung panandalian lang din naman pala ako. :( gusto kong umiyak pero di ko kacry kay naa si papa. gusto ko sumigaw pero di man. hilak nalang ako ng patago. iiyak nanaman ako. mahina paren ako.

4/24/20

im throwing myself to a person that could care less if i disappeared. idk na tired of giving my 100% to a person that doesnt even want it and couldnt even give me attention. bahala kana sayang lang effort ko might as well conserve it to someone na crazy for me and wont give up on me.

u crave for lambing, love, attention jud no pero obvious man na hindi saken. U crave it from someone else. alam ko naman kanino. I still feel it. I can still sense it.

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