#and I think I'm that person

[nerdgirlnarrates]

So a fun thing that came up in therapy is how I have a lot of trouble believing that I can be in a long-term loving romantic relationship and how that relates to being told over and over that going into medicine would make me difficult to marry. There were other things about me that garnered this criticism (I was a weird kid growing up and had the typical weird kid experiences that make you believe you're unlovable), but it mostly revolved around wanting to go into medicine, and it mostly came from my parents. There was a lot of fretting over how men would struggle with a woman having such a demanding career and how they would be emasculated by my salary, etc. There was also fretting over how I should avoid ambitious men because it would make it even more difficult to balance careers, and this concern usually came with the message that the man's career is more important. Sometimes this was implicit, but sometimes it was explicit: at the beginning of med school, my mom told me I shouldn't date a classmate because "[their] career will come first." I once had a hypothetical discussion with my dad about what I would do if I had a disabled child who needed a parent at home, and his immediate response was "you can't ask a man to quit his job." Never mind the work you put in to your career, how much you like it, how your respective jobs impact household finances--you can't ask a man to quit his job. That's that. I was also asked repeatedly, and not just by my parents, if I would give up my job if my husband asked (no additional context was given, of course). When I said I wouldn't, I was accused of being unwilling to make any sacrifices in a relationship.

In retrospect, I think my parents thought they were preparing me for realistic relationship struggles. Obviously having a demanding job can create tension, and it created tension in their marriage when they both had demanding careers and small children. Ultimately my mom quit her job, for that and other reasons. But I think that decision was also due, in some part, to patriarchal assumptions about who should be at home and whose career matters. That assumption was passed along in the concerns they harbored about my career, and instead of making me feel prepared to deal with relationship stressors, I started believing I couldn't have a career and a marriage. I picked a career.

Medicine is deeply, deeply important to me, and it feels like part of who I am, and I can't imagine giving it up to be more appealing as a wife. I can't stop being someone who loves medicine and work. I don't want to be married for the sake of it or loved halfway; I want to be loved as what I am or I want to be alone. For years, it felt like I couldn't both want things and be married. To be married, I had to be ready to give up everything at the drop of a hat, throw out all my dreams and ambitions if someone asked. The context doesn't matter--I'm the woman, so I'm the one who quits. I'm the one who gives things up.

I couldn't do it. I couldn't stop wanting things: I want to be a physician and teach and work in sexual violence prevention for the rest of my life. I want to paint and write novels. And I don't want to give any of it up unless I absolutely have to. Worse, I want someone to actually like all those things about me rather than simply tolerate them. And I want to be seen as kind and smart and funny and interesting and attractive, and it's just too much. I want too much. I just don't think it's possible to want this much from life and from a partner. I've had some people tell me that what I want is fine and realistic, and I don't really believe them.

[mayhemchicken-artblog]

in the hour or so it took me to draw this op turned reblogs off

EDIT: reblogs are STAYING OFF. op was right and correct and i have never regretted making a post as much as this one. if you want to reblog my art you can reblog something else from my blog. or commission me, lord knows i deserve financial compensation for the nightmare this post has put me through

[lazylittledragon]

can't believe we're all adults being forced into the club penguin level of censorship in 2024

[captainjonnitkessler]

Sometimes I wish we would start calling out the performative radicalism on this site for the poser bullshit it is. "Remember, it's always morally correct to kill a cop!" "Don't forget to firebomb your local government office!" "Wow, it sure would be a shame if these instructions on how to make a molotov cocktail got spread around!"

Okay. But you're not killing cops or firebombing government offices. You are posting on a dying microblogging website to a carefully-curated echo chamber that has radicalized itself into thinking that taking the absolute most extreme position on any subject is praxis but that anyone discussing the most practical way to effect actual change is your sworn enemy. You do not have the street cred OR the activist cred to be talking about killing cops, babe.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Hey now, Let her cook!

[jakeperalta]

I'm curious. what job would you do if money was no object (you just automatically had an income you could live comfortably on)? including work like volunteering, studying etc. please share in the tags :)

[kuuhaiyu]

i really can't emphasize how heartbreaking it is that the recent harassment campaign against @/90-ghost (among others; see: 1, 2, 3) has led to well-meaning people telling others not to listen to him. he is one of the most visible survivors of the genocide here on tumblr. his entire journey of escape is so well documented! and yet, it only took a few people confidently pointing fingers to create an entire witch hunt accusing him and other palestinians of being disreputable scammers and liars.

i can't help but feel like the reason why people were SO eager to believe those accusations, is because it was uncomfortable to see posts from palestinians every day asking for our time, attention, money, and support; so when someone presented the perfect excuse to ignore all those posts and asks while also taking the high ground, people just LEAPED onto it. they wanted to believe it, because it would be more comfortable.

honestly, i understand feeling overwhelmed by bad news, by the number of asks and messages in your inbox, and so on and so forth. i understand needing to set boundaries for yourself so you don't get burned out. i think this is really when you have to have a set of principles to fall back on, even when you're tired, uncomfortable, angry, and/or sad. so here's the one i suggest, which has been working for me best: don't make your discomfort with this situation into someone else's problem, and for god's sake don't make it a public problem.

if you hate seeing fundraiser posts or news about gaza, i can't emphasize this enough, JUST MOVE ON. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND SCROLL PAST! all you have to do is absolutely nothing. which is what you were doing anyway, so it shouldn't be hard. if you don't have the heart to read, or reblog, or share, or donate, or support in other ways, at the very least, don't obstruct the efforts of people who ARE trying to make a difference. this is, quite literally, the least you can do.

[batcavescolony]

Non-Americans please look away, this is private family matter.

[heaven-helpus]

i don't think my blog is big enough for this but wtvr I'm curious

add what generation u r in the tags if u want 👍

[canisalbus]

[brainrotcharacters]

the easy grip on the knife. the leg over the seat. the hand over the other seat. the sassy "come get it" move. you know the bitch is smiling behind that mask even as he said the line.

[abyssalzones]

something something "wearing a microfiber cloth in my back pocket to let the best buy employees know I'm cruising" idr how the post goes

[lazylittledragon]

if i had a nickel for every au spawned from twitter that i SWORE i was going to be normal about

[communistcephalopod]

hypothesis: vampires are magically vulnerable to light originating from the sun

observation: moonlight has no effect on vampires, despite being a reflection of the sun

conclusion: this aversion is not a result of light or its origin, but some property of sunlight only present in direct contact

hypothesis: vampires are extremely sensitive to uv radiation

[egophiliac]

WAIT when did he get FANGS

[bixels]

Learning that fans hated Applejack and called her "boring" is crazyyy to me because I genuinely, unironically believe AJ's the most complex character in the main six.

Backstory-wise, she was born into a family of famers/blue collar workers who helped found the town she lives in. She grew up a habitual liar until she had the bad habit traumatized outta her. She lost both her parents and was orphaned at a young age, having to step up as her baby sister's mother figure. She's the only person in the main gang who's experienced this level of loss and grief (A Royal Problem reveals that AJ dreams about memories of being held by her parents as a baby). She moved to Manhattan to live with her wealthy family members, only to realize she'll never fit in or be accepted, even amongst her own family. The earlier seasons imply she and her family had money problems too (In The Ticket Master, AJ wants to go to the gala to earn money to buy new farm equipment and afford hip surgery for her grandma).

Personality-wise, she's a total people-pleaser/steamroller (with an occasional savior complex) who places her self worth on her independence and usefulness for other people, causing her to become a complete workaholic. In Applebuck Season, AJ stops taking care of herself because of her obsessive responsibilities for others and becomes completely dysfunctional. In Apple Family Reunion, AJ has a tearful breakdown because in she thinks she dishonored her family and tarnished her reputation as a potential leader –– an expectation and anxiety that's directly tied to her deceased parents, as shown in the episode's ending scene. In The Last Roundup, AJ abandons her family and friends out of shame because believes she failed them by not earning 1st place in a rodeo competition. She completely spirals emotionally when she isn't able to fulfill her duties toward others. Her need to be the best manifests in intense pride and competitiveness when others challenge her. And when her pride's broken, she cowers and physically hides herself.

Moreover, it's strongly implied that AJ has a deep-seated anger. The comics explore her ranting outbursts more. EQG also obviously has AJ yelling at and insulting Rarity in a jealous fit just to hurt her feelings (with a line that I could write a whole dissection on). And I'm certain I read in a post somewhere that in a Gameloft event, AJ's negative traits are listed as anger.

Subtextually, a lot of these flaws and anxieties can be (retroactively) linked to her parents' death, forcing her to grow up too quickly to become the adult/caregiver of the family (especially after her big brother becomes semiverbal). Notice how throughout the series, she's constantly acting as the "mom friend" of the group (despite everything, she manages to be the most emotionally mature of the bunch). Notice how AJ'll switch to a quieter, calmer tone when her friends are panicking and use soothing prompts and questions to talk them through their emotions/problems; something she'd definitely pick up while raising a child. Same with her stoicism and reluctance at crying or releasing emotions (something Pinkie explicitly points out). She also had a childhood relationship with Rara (which, if you were to give a queer reading, could easy be interpreted as her first 'aha' crush), who eventually left her life. (Interestingly enough, AJ also has an angry outburst with Rara for the same exact reasons as with EQG Rarity; jealous, upset that someone else is using and changing her). It's not hard to imagine an AJ with separation anxiety stemming from her mother and childhood friend/crush leaving. I'm also not above reading into AJ's relationship with her little sister (Y'all ever think about how AB never got to know her parents, even though she shares her father's colors and her mother's curly hair?).

AJ's stubbornness is a symptom of growing up too quickly as well. Who else to play with your baby sister when your brother goes nonverbal (not to discount Big Mac's role in raising AB)? Who else to wake up in the middle of the night to care for your crying baby sister when your grandma needs her rest? When you need to be 100% all the time for your family, you tend to become hard-stuck with a sense of moral superiority. You know what's best because you have to be your best because if you're aren't your best, then everything'll inevitably fall apart and it'll be your fault. And if you don't know what's best –– if you've been wrong the whole time –– that means you haven't been your best, which means you've failed the people who rely on you, which means you can't fulfill your role in the family/society, which makes you worthless . We've seen time and time again how this compulsive need to be right for the sake of others becomes self-destructive (Apple Family Reunion, Sound of Silence, all competitions against RD). We've seen in The Last Roundup how, when no longer at her best, AJ would rather remove herself from her community than confront them because she no longer feels of use to them.

But I guess it is kinda weird that AJ has "masculine" traits and isn't interested in men at all. It's totally justified that an aggressively straight, misogynistic male fandom would characterize her as a "boring background character." /s

At the time of writing this, it's 4:46AM.