#and I'm usually asleep before the album finishes

[pabloqavi]

mastermind

summary. you are a famous singer who knows what they want so when in an interview you are asked about your celebrity crush you are quick to announce to the world that there's only one man in your heart, he just doesn't know you exist ! genre. fluff ! pairing. gavi x singer!reader !

voguespain & yourusername

head over to our youtube channel to watch yourusername telling us her beauty secrets and answering some questions

yourusername thank you for having me 🤍

iheartyn SHE LOOKS SO PRETTY OH MY GOD

30gavi6 no way her crush is gavi

pedrigavi68 SHE SUPPORTS BARÇA !!??

pedri 👀 pablogavi

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

"hello lovelies, i'm yn and today i'm gonna be telling you my beauty secrets while answering some questions" you smile to the camera while getting all your makeup out.

"okay first question, what's my favourite city i've visited? oh that's easy i love new york but barcelona is where i grew up so can't compete with that" you say as you start applying your moisturiser.

"my first secret is i hydrate my face everyday in the morning and night, no matter if i wear makeup or not, you have to take care of your skin" you smile at the camera.

"next question" you start applying your concealer "what's the inspiration behind your last album? oh my god that's a good one. usually i write songs about things that happen to me but most of the time my songs are about fake scenarios i think about before falling asleep" you laugh

"okay guys this is my best kept makeup secret, before applying your setting powder slightly massage it on your hand so you don't apply it on excess" you tell the camera while doing it.

...

"okay now that my makeup is ready we are gonna answer just one more question" you smile "who's your celebrity crush? oh god this is so embarrassing, okay so i'm a big culer ever since i was little and there's this new player that i can't lie has been on my mind for quite a time now" you feel your cheeks heat up "he is of course pablo gavi" you say quickly before saying your goodbyes and finishing the video.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

pablo's pov

training was finally over and all of us were quickly heading to the showers so we could get home soon.

"ey gavi have you seen this" pedri passes me his phone as i get back to the locker room drying my hair with a towel.

"seen what?" you hear someone ask in the background.

"who's your celebrity crush? oh god this is so embarrassing, okay so i'm a big culer ever since i was little and there's this new player that i can't lie has been on my mind for quite a time now. he is of course pablo gavi" you see a brunette girl saying to a camera.

"has the baby got a girlfriend?" you distantly hear ferran yelling before feeling all of the guys joining him.

"dont be stupid, text her" pedri tells you before clapping your back and taking back his phone. soon enough you have your phone out and have already followed her back.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

pablogavi followed you back

[pablogavi]: hey!

[yourusername]: hi so you've seen the interview haven't you?

[pablogavi]: yeah 😊 my friend pedri showed me the clip😂

[pablogavi]: just wanted to say that you're like really pretty and maybe you wanted to go out or something

[pablogavi]: not as a date

[pablogavi]: well unless you wanted to go out as a date

[pablogavi]: is okay if you don't want to or can't btw

[yourusername]: of course i want to go out

[yourusername]: it's a date then😉

[pablogavi]: great 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

yourusername

barcelona has never been this pretty🤍

pablogavi 🥰🥰❤️❤️

pedri where's my thank you for being the matchmaker????

pablogavi shut up

iheartyn BARCELONA SHOW SOON !??

yourusername 🤐🤐🤐

iheartyn OH MT FOS YOU RWPLIED I LOVE YOU

30gavi6 IS THAT GAVI OMG

[slutforelliealways]

What if? Pt:2

Elliexfemme reader

"What happened after the album drop?" Charlie reaches for his coffee cup. "Assuming something happened of course." He wiggles his eyebrows.

"I don't understand," you giggled, "how do you forget how to walk?"

Ellie took another sip, you'd both finished the champagne and moved to rum straight from the bottle. "Trust me, you mix enough shit in one night you'd forget more than how to walk."

"I don't think I've ever mixed alcohol and drugs before, and I know I haven't done any hard stuff." You snagged the bottle out of her hand, "I almost can't believe you have either."

The right side of her mouth curled up and formed a smirk. "You'll learn kid."

"I hope not," you took another swig.

"I'm sensing some foreshadowing," Charlie scribbles.

"What an astute observation."

"You're into me right? I'm not just making that up?" You passed the bottle to Ellie.

She put the bottle down on the nightstand and scooted in closer, you didn't budge; rather anticipated her next move, and as you just began to imagine the idea of her touching you, her lips met yours. You gasped into the kiss and pulled her closer into you, her hand moved underneath your shirt and cupped your--

"I get it! You had sex!" Charlie throws his hand up to pause you in your daydreaming state.

"Just shut up for a moment and listen."

You had Ellie right where you wanted her. Unclothed, in your bed, and eyes sparkling at the sight of you. You were on your knees on the foot of the bed admiring the astonishing woman in front of you, her hair was messy and some strands were poking out the sides, her skin glistened with little beads of sweat on her freckled forehead, she looked so peaceful in this moment.

"You're so beautiful," she reached out and wrapped her arm around your waist, "I can't believe I finally got you." She kissed slowly on your face, her fingers drew little circles around your bare skin. You placed your hand on her cheek and she nuzzled into it.

"You're drunk," you smiled.

She looked at you through hazed eyes, "maybe a little." She chuckled.

"You gonna regret this tomorrow morning?" You sat up and grabbed the bottle, "should I prepare for an awkward tour?"

"Why would I regret this?" She sat up and rested her chin on her knees. "You damaged or something?"

"Excuse me!" You pulled away.

"I just feel like only someone with damage would say something like that," Ellie reached for the bottle in your hand.

"I am not damaged! You seem to be the damaged one Miss Williams, mixing your pills and liquor."

She took a big swig from the bottle and then passed it to you, as you reached for it she grabbed your wrist with her other hand and pulled you on top of her. "I'm just a star baby. You know it's all about sex, drugs, and rock n roll!"

Charlie stands up, you follow him with your eyes as he walks over to his desk and begins rummaging through a drawer. "My pen went out, I need another one."

"Oh," you chuckle, "so how's the husband?"

"He's good, being a stay at home dad has really been keeping him happy."

"Good. I'm glad to hear that."

"Okay," Charlie sits back down, "let's get back to it then. What happened the next morning?"

Ellie had left your room early, Joel called her with something important. She'd given you a peck on the lips and slid out the door within seconds of hearing Joel's voice on the other line, you had rolled back over and fallen asleep. When you woke up on your own it was to your phone buzzing relentlessly on your nightstand, you shot up and answered the call.

"You're late." Dina's voice was harsher than usual.

"Fuck I'm sorry!" You threw your red knee-length leather coat on and rushed to the elevator.

Everyone stared at you as you walked in the studio, Dina stared the hardest as you put your bag down on the ground and got onto your chair.

"Bout time you showed up," Di hissed. "We were worried you'd miss meeting the new member.

"New member?" You turned to Ellie who was staring at the door you'd just come in through.

An incredibly tall and built blonde woman came strolling in carrying a huge instrument case. From the shape of it you had to assume it was a cello. She set the case down and walked straight up to you, grabbed your hand, and planted a kiss on the top of it. "Abby. Pleased to meet you, your name was?"

"We call her little one," Jesse threw his arm around your shoulder, "I'm Jesse, that's Dina, and this is Ellie."

Dina stayed sat by her drums and just gave Abby a nod.

Ellie glared, she didn't even shake Abby's hand when she held it out. Jesse took Abby and showed her where to set up, you poked Ellie's arm. "What's up with that? We already dropped an album and set up tour dates."

Ellie's reply was standing up and storming into Joel's office, the door slammed shut behind her, you and the band sat and listened to the two screaming at each other for only twenty minutes before the others grew restless.

"Should we just go on without them?" Jesse picked his bass, "doesn't sound like that's going to end soon."

The door to Joel's office swung open on cue and Ellie came rushing out, "go home no fucking rehearsal today."

"I don't understand, bands add members all the time."

"Ellie and Abby started out playing together and for a while it was just the two of them, some fallout happened and ever since they never really got along. But Joel didn't care about that."

"Why not?" Charlie looks up from his notebook.

"Joel wanted money, anything else wasn't important enough for him to care."

You ran outside after Ellie, "what the fuck was that all about?"

"None of your business!" She snapped, "leave me alone."

"I didn't do anything, what the hell we were just cool a couple hours ago! You said it wouldn't be awkward now you're just gonna shut me out?"

"We fucked once, I might be one of few to you; to me you're one of hundreds! So back off." Her words tore into you like glass shards.

You stopped in place and watched Ellie turn back around and walk away. You grimaced to her back and stuck your tongue out, "meanie," you whispered.

You went back inside to find the other three chatting away, Abby had Jesse and Di laughing their asses off. "What's this?" You crossed your arms.

"We were just getting filled in on Abby's shenanigans while she was on tour with the thrashers." Jesse was recovering from a belly laugh.

"Oh?" You were intrigued. "And what did Abby do?"

"You'll have to have dinner with me to find out," she smirked.

"I'll pass." You strode out the door and walked back to your hotel.

"Oh please tell me Ellie was there waiting for you."

You saw Ellie's car, but when you got to your room it was as empty as you left it. You sighed and put your things down, poured yourself a drink and waited for a knock on your door. By the time you finished the bottle of gin you figured no one was coming, and you retired yourself to bed.

"Disappointing."

The band spent weeks rehearsing and getting ready for tour. Ellie and you barely spoke more than two words to each other on a daily basis. It was as if Abby had come in and erased anything that happened before, like you never existed in the first place. She did exactly what she swore wouldn't happen, she was a liar.

You grew closer to Abby, you'd stay late working on music with her when the rest of the band had left for the day. You had made it clear from the beginning that you weren't interested, but you couldn't help the lingering longing for her when she wasn't around. At first you didn't think much of it, you were used to feeling alone and wanting company.

"You didn't," Charlie leans forward in his seat. His eyes wider than ever.

"I did," your spine tingles. "And I paid for it."

Tour was nearing, you'd all gotten the locations for your venues and to your surprise the places were ginormous. "These are our stages?"

"Problem?" Joel snapped.

Your eyes were wide and glistening. "Why would I ever have a problem with these? Joel this is fucking awesome!"

"I thought so," the old man chuckled.

Abby came up behind you and wrapped her arms around your waist, you caught Ellie's gaze and shied away from the public affections you'd grown nearly comfortable with behind closed doors. "Not here," you hissed.

Ellie gave a little smirk as she walked out of the rehearsal room. It was enough for you to feel good about your decision to snap at Abby.

However, your secret lover was not so fond of the miniscule interaction. "What the fuck was that about?" Abby pushed her hair back, "you embarrassed of me or something?"

You cringed a little inside. "No, I just don't need everyone in the band knowing we hangout more than them."

"Honey," she caressed your cheek, "I think we do a bit more than hanging out no?"

Your cheeks felt flushed and the very air around you seemed thinner than ever.

"I'm confused," Charlie looks up from his notes, "you'd been hiding this affair from the entire group? How?"

You smirk, "same way I'd hidden my feelings for Ellie from Abby. I'm very secretive."

Loading up the buses for tour was less than an ideal disaster. Ellie had gotten there early and begun her stomping and bossing anyone within a ten foot radius around. When you arrived in your cab it was like the wind stopped blowing, and it was just the two of you in front of a bus with your faces on it. You stared at her, and she at you. For a moment you felt as though you could reach out for her and she'd meet your hands and close up the gap in between the two of you. You waved, a shy little wave that was barely noticeable.

"You need a hand with that?" Ellie approached you slowly, "seems like you packed a bit too much no?" She chuckled.

You nodded, afraid that if you spoke she'd run away.

"I got it," Abby grabbed your things and threw them over her shoulder, "wouldn't want you hurting your back Williams."

And just like that the moment between you and Ellie was done. Abby had gotten in between you within two seconds. You kept your gaze on Ellie, she kept hers on yours. Then she leaned in and you felt her breath tickle your ear. Suddenly you were thrown over her shoulder, your giggles echoing in the barren air. "What are you doing?" You shrieked.

"Abby missed some of your luggage, figured I'd grab the lighter stuff." Her hand slapped your ass, "I'm done playing this game with you little one. You're mine."

It'd been months since Ellie had said more than three words to you, and now she was claiming you? This wasn't something you had prepared yourself to deal with today, especially right before your first show of the tour.

"I'm sorry, she claimed you?"

You chuckle, "she claimed us. Which only complicated the plan I'd set for tour."

"What about Abby?"

"What about her? I hadn't said yes to the dress or anything, all we'd been doing was hanging out."

Abby sat at the front of the bus, sort of a protest against the bullshit she'd found herself walking in on when she got inside the vehicle you'd all be living in for the next six months. Dina and Jesse arrived together, in an attempt to act as if they'd taken separate rides they walked on the bus apart, but sat together in the back along with you and your somewhat lover.

"What's this?" Dina pointed at Ellie and you. "You going for the whole band or something, little one?"

"Must you always be such an asshole Di?" Ellie sat up and her arm that was wrapped around your shoulder fell beside you. "Should I point out your mess too or would that shatter your fragile ego too much?"

Di scoffed and turned around in her seat, Jesse smiled at the two of you. "For the record I always knew you'd get together eventually."

You sat in front of the mirror backstage and waited for the opener to be done, your blush was perfect and there wasn't a hair in sight that wasn't laid perfectly. As you stared at your reflection you noticed Ellie behind you staring as well. "You look fucking beautiful." She breathed.

"You don't look too bad yourself," you smirked.

She got out of her chair and swayed over to you, wrapped her arms around your shoulders and planted a kiss right on your perfectly blushed cheek. "You ready for this?"

"I was born ready."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I apologize for the lateness of this but I hope you enjoy it, there's a lot of different ways I see this story going but I'd love some feedback as to where you want it leading. Love ya, hope you're doing well! :)

[heyidkyay]

I guess I’ll take this pain, instead of your name |

Part Nineteen

A/n: Hi! I know I've kept you waiting a while😅 and for that I'm sorry!! But thank you to all of those who've been patient with meee, this part just continues on from where we left off with Matty and G, but it spirals... a lot. It shifts back to the reader's pov soon enough though and we get to see an old character!:) SO hopefully you enjoy it💕

Summary: In life, things changed. The boys you'd once grown up with were men now, and famous ones at that. The type that toured the world and had millions of adoring fans.

The five of you shared a shit ton of history. But you also shared a lot of mixed emotions for one of them in particular, a certain drummer.

Warnings: um, I hate this part because I always feel like I forget something, but much like the other 18 parts (?!) there is a lot of swearing, also some talk about shitting? uhhh, big emotions too, touches ever so slightly on appearance but not much... and yeah reckon that's about it?

Masterlist

--

(Matty’s POV again!)

Matty: Everything ok there?

Ross: Thought you were out on the pull why tf are you txting me? Ross: But we're good, she passed out half hour ago

*picture*

Matty: Alright, m glad Matty: Did she seem fine to u?

Ross: Bit teary but then she scoffed some chocolate and we finished off the Princess Diaries 

Matty: Teary? She was crying??

Ross: 🙄 She’s fine Matty, just stressed I reckon Ross: Anyway aren’t you usually in the back of a cab about now? 

Matty: Haha. Matty: Things didn’t turn out that way

Ross: ?

Matty: George is here

Ross: Fuck

Matty: Yeah exactly what I said mate

Ross: Still, pull up your big boy pants and have it out with him yeah? Ross: He’s your best mate

Matty: He’s also a massive prick

Ross: This coming from you?

Matty: Ur a prick too

Ross: Relax mate, you got this  Ross: It’s just George

Matty glanced up from his phone to stare into the mirror, one of those tiny ones you often found in bathrooms at dingy dive bars or your local. Ross was right though, he needed to relax. Take a quick breather and sort this shit out with George before it all got any worse. They had a fucking album to finish. Fans to please. 

He tugged a hand through his rapidly deflating curls and removed any thought of him getting his end away tonight from his head, before he forced himself back out into the dreary pub. He hadn’t been gone very long, but seemingly enough time had passed for one of the boys to have brought over another round. He avoided both sets of their eyes when he fell back into the booth, wishing he’d gone out for a smoke instead of having taken a piss.

It was Adam, clearing his throat, that had his head raising and Matty allowed his gaze to diver between the tables only two other occupants. He released a heavy sigh, “Let’s just get it over with, yeah? Can’t promise I won’t fly off the handle, but I’ll try my best not to call you an absolute arse every time you act like one.”

George visibly fought to bite his tongue at his words and Matty found he was rather glad to have the upper hand here. Maybe things wouldn’t end up so sour after all, and if shit did eventually hit the fan then at least he could get a laugh out of it. Win, win, eh?

“Matty…” Hann chided in gruff warning, and so he huffed then ultimately nodded towards the drummer, letting George take the lead.

— (and we’re back!)

The sound of hushed voices stirred me from my dreamless sleep and I sat up a tad to glance around the room, rubbing at my tired eyes when I realised I’d fallen asleep on the settee. It must’ve been quite late because when I shuffled slightly, I found that the tv had since been switched off and the lamp lights dimmed. It was then, as the groggy confusion cleared, that the faint whispers caught my attention again.

“What, and that’s it? You just forgive him then?”

My brow furrowed at Ross’s deep voice, he didn’t sound as confused as his questions made him out to be, though I did have to strain quite a bit to hear him.

“I just- I really don’t know, man.”

I blinked at Matty’s unexpected reply, wondering how long he’d been back. I chanced a glance over towards the far wall, where the clock-face stared back at me, it’s metal hands told me it was almost nearing two. 

It seemed that the pair of them had chosen to hide out in the kitchen in hopes not to disturb me, the hazing light beneath the door a dead giveaway.

“I don’t forgive him. At least, not that easily. But, I think I understand? Like I can see his side of things.”

There was a pause then, and I didn’t know if it was down to the fact that I’d only just woken up but I felt so disoriented by their entire conversation, reeling over just who they were talking about.

“How did you leave things?” Ross asked him, and I heard Matty sigh.

“Told him I needed to wrap my head ‘round it.”

Ross hummed just as I rubbed at my bleary eyes, forehead pinched between my brows. 

“And, what about her?” 

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, is he ever gonna let her back in? Tell her all this shit?” Ross stressed his second question but was met with a resounding silence, the type Matty only gave when he was lost in his own head.

“I really don’t know.”

For some stupid reason, I felt my heart drop.

—

Matty was perched by the kitchen’s island, nursing a cup of tea, when I found him the next morning. He lifted his head when he heard my approach and we shared a tiny smile.

“Mornin’. How’d you sleep?” He asked me as I moved towards the fridge, grabbing the milk I often favoured before I trailed my way over to where his fancy kettle resided. 

“Alright, just wondering how I made it up all those stairs last night.” I said in return. The whole house felt quiet, only the tweeting sound of the neighbouring sparrows could be heard before I set the kettle to boil.

“Ross.” Matty answered with a huffed chuckle, he pushed the tin of teabags across the counter when he saw me search for it.

I hummed, that made the most sense. “Dunno how I didn’t feel that.”

“Probably all those pain killers, darling. Actually, you fancy sharing a few? My heads banging.”

I snorted softly, chucking him the pack of paracetamol he typically kept in a cabinet nearby when I went to retrieve a teaspoon. “Stick to those. You’ll thank me for it when you can still shit normally.”

Matty grimaced, but popped two from its plastic packaging. “Ever heard of oversharing?”

With a lazy shrug, I disposed of the teabag and slotted the milk carton back into the fridge before I took a seat beside him. The two of us just gazed out of the window whilst we sipped sporadically.

“So then, how was your big night back out on the town?” I asked him, eyes focused on the blue skies that had casted overhead, mind stuck on the conversation that I might’ve dreamt up last night.

He gave a noncommittal sound in reply and so I raised a brow at him from over the rim of my steaming mug.

“That bad?”

“Unexpected would be the better term.”

I hummed again, taking a small sip. “How so?”

Matty worked his jaw and avoided my eye by staring into his muddy brew. I nudged his side lightly.

“Come on, can’t tease me with a good story and not spill.”

His lips quirked a tad and so I kicked up my feet to cross my legs beneath me as I turned to settle in and listen. Knowing he’d soon tell. 

“Just,” Matty’s brown eyes flittered over towards me briefly before they skittered away again, I narrowed my own. “A lot happened,” He added vaguely, “Didn’t end up doing much.”

“Oh, leave off. The great Healy makes his way back out onto the scene and leaves without a sexscapade to tell or a near brawl?”

I was met with the wrinkled face of a disturbed looking Matty. “Sexscapade?”

I couldn’t help my laughter.

“Come on, dish. I just know something went down.” I pestered him, nudging his elbow with my knuckle and retreating before he could swat me away.

Matty rolled his eyes at the motion, but I watched his chest rise from beneath the oversized hoodie he’d thrown on as he drew in a large breath. 

He was definitely withholding information, you could see it in the way his fingers tapped rhythmically against the side of his mug and I looked up just in time to catch him searching my face. 

For a brief moment I felt a little insecure, wondering what he saw. If it was still the same girl he’d known since we were little kids out on our bikes, or the outrageously fit friend he’d never had a chance with during the early stages of our twenties- or maybe even the person I’d been both before and after the accident.

I’d changed an awful lot.

“You’re worrying me, Matty. What is it?” I questioned instead of voicing any of that, a tad bit desperate to get him to focus on anything else. “Did something actually happen?”

Matty shook his head at my concern then paused, eyes skittering around the place again before he shrugged. “Hann brought George along, didn’t he.”

Ah.

A deafening quiet followed that admission as I took it in and digested it.

I swallowed thickly and then nodded at him, “Right. Thought you’d seen him though, like in the studio and that… Shouldn’t’ve felt too weird, no?”

Matty chewed on his bottom lip. “Met up at this pub, meant to be the two of us. Just, didn’t expect Hann to drag him along too. Studio time’s been… strained, so I figured I could let loose a bit. But then… yeah, he showed his face and the whole night went tits up.”

I nodded. I hadn’t heard much about the band rehearsals to be honest, just that things were progressing slowly, but to hear that they’d been difficult because of where George and I now stood, was a tough pill to swallow.

“So what, you two argued then?”

He shrugged at me again, spinning his half-empty mug about the countertop which must’ve been lukewarm at best by now.

“I was fuming. Even told Hann so. But, I stuck around… he wanted me to hear him out.”

I frowned at that. “Hear him out?”

Matty licked at the corner of his mouth, and I saw the visible bags which sat beneath his tired eyes. I silently questioned whether he’d even slept since getting in. 

“He wanted to talk, alright? Wanted me to hear his side of things, to hash things out so that we could get this album finished.”

I scoffed, almost angry now. “Fuck him! What about me? I spent a whole year trying to work out what happened with us! I almost died trying to find out what the fuck was up with him!”

Matty winced at that.

“But no, any body fucking else and he’ll let you know willingly! Are you actually being for fucking real?”

I doubt Matty even had an actual answer to give me then but I didn’t give him the chance to take another breath. Too fired up, hurt by the mere idea of George telling anyone but me anything. 

I pushed up out of the barstool I’d taken seat on and fought back the sudden aching in my throat. “Me! The only person he should be fucking telling anything at all is me, Matty!”

“I know-” 

I cut him off again, pacing back and forth around the island now. “I mean, what the fuck? Is he being serious? Oh, let me just tell Matty about all this sad shit I’ve been going through… about how much of a twat I’ve been this last year, and how sorry I am for being a massive knob-head… maybe then he’ll feel bad enough for me that we can finally finish off this shitty album we’ve been working on!”

Matty made a face, either at my bad impersonation of the bellend he’d dubbed his drummer, or for calling the current album he was working on shit. I didn’t care.

“Look I know you’re ticked off but-”

“But nothing, Matty. What did he even tell you? ‘Cause I’d honestly love to know. Seeing as it almost cost me my life and fucked me for the rest of it.”

Matty looked torn. Small almost, as I stared him down. A striking contrast to his typical outlandish demeanour. So striking in fact, it stopped me short.

“You know what? I don’t even care. I can’t do this.” I said defeatedly, dumping what little remained of my tea into the sink and doing a complete 180.

“Where’re you going?” I heard Matty call out after me, but I didn’t bother to offer him a reply as I stormed my way down the hallway. I pulled on the nearest pair of trainers I had to the front door, as well as the massive parka Matty had slung over the bar of the banister, and threw open the front door. He chased after me. “Y/n, what the fuck?”

“I’m going out.”

“I can fucking well see that!” Matty shouted from behind me, fumbling with his heavy boots by the stairs as I made my way down the paved drive. “At least wait for me, yeah?”

“I’m going out alone, Matty.” I reiterated tonelessly, buzzing the front gate a couple times for it to open.

“Y/n! Don’t be a prat, just wait up and we can go together. Yeah?”

I slammed the large gate shut behind me and caught sight of him hastily patting down his pockets, more than likely looking for his house keys.

“Matty,” I sighed, more numb than angry now, “Please, just…”

He stopped short on the front step, face frantic with a single boot on his foot and one arm slung in the wrong end of a padded puffer jacket. 

“Please.” I repeated, voice hoarse and strained by the many emotions I felt. 

His expression seemed to fall slack then and he nodded to me mutely. The length of driveway stood between us felt like an ocean in that next moment, but it also allowed me to finally breathe without the suffocating guilt that seemed to drown me wherever I went.

I took one step back, and then two. Then I was walking away from the confines of Matty’s house, the same place that had done nothing but welcome me, feeling freer than I had done in weeks. Months even.

Thoughts of betrayal and trust, anger and hurt, then humiliation, all of it just swimming in my veins. All of it swarming beneath the surface, buzzing under my skin. 

I walked for a while. Long enough for my ribs to ache and my lungs to burn.

But I didn’t dare turn back, not yet.

My mind was finally empty. The nippy air that kissed my skin wrapped itself around me like a layer of armour, shielding me from what little else could rip me apart. And I revelled in that. 

I only stopped when I wandered upon a familiar street and peered down it towards an even more familiar shop sign. Almost on autopilot my feet made their way towards it, trailing past cracks in the pavement and the many weeds which crawled out by the curb, before they shuffled over the threshold.

“Y/n, love? Is that you?”

—

I sat in a similar position to the one I’d been in earlier in Matty’s kitchen, only now I was propped up against a register with a soothing cup of camomile in hand. 

Delia was stood beside me, chopping away at flower stems, humming an old tune. She’d been overjoyed to see me, only having stopped in to visit me a handful of times since the accident.

She’d ushered me about the shop, showing me what was new whilst simultaneously scolding me for having turned up out of the blue when I should’ve been resting. But she made me feel at home all the same, almost like nothing was awry, like nothing had changed. 

But it had. I knew it. And she knew it too. 

I felt it in the twinge my ribs gave every time I breathed, and she saw it in the gruesome tell of my sad smile. 

“Can you still love someone who’s really hurt you?” I asked her after a prolonged pause, taking up the silence that had since settled between us. 

Delia lulled momentarily before she begun snipping again. 

“Love isn’t something we can control, sweetheart. It comes, and it goes. It’s a strange thing but it’s what keeps us alive, isn’t it? If it didn’t hurt, dear, then it wasn’t real.”

I thought on it, staring blankly ahead.

“So, we just forgive them then? Forget that they hurt us?”

“No, not always. Sometimes the people we love… they hurt too. Only they hide all that hurt behind closed doors. Behind a mask even. But just because they hurt, it doesn’t excuse their actions. Only we get to decide who we let into our lives, who we forgive, who we forget…”

I lingered on that statement for a second, but then she spoke up again. 

“Is this about that boy?”

I hummed to voice my confusion and looked over at her with a quirked brow. 

“That boy of yours. Tall, quiet. George I think he said his name was.” 

My wide eyes stayed trained on her, even whilst she continued to arrange her bouquet. If Delia knew the weight her words had on me she didn’t let it show. 

“He came in often, kept me company when you were in the hospital. Didn’t say much, just worked. Trimmed and watered, I even taught him to wrap. Was quite the natural, actually. But I only let him in after I remembered he’d visited with your Matty, and that one other fella with the beard, the night everything happened.”

She looked at me then. Must’ve seen the tears welling in my eyes because she took my hand, squeezed it tight.

“We’re all human, love. We all hurt, and we all make mistakes. We love. We lose. But, it is ultimately up to us on who we allow in and out of our lives. Who we give second and third chances to. Everyone has their reasons, their own demons. Even those closest to us. But it’s what they do afterwards that counts. How they make it up.”

I didn’t offer her a reply, too lost in my own multitude of thoughts, but continued to sort through the white and red tulips she had laid out. We stayed like that for a while until the bell over the shopfront jingled and I glanced up to find a familiar head of curls stood there.

Delia shot me a knowing smile when I turned towards her in surprise, she simply jilted her head over at the door like she’d been expecting him. “You should be getting home. Rest up and think on what we spoke about, yes?”

I nodded thoughtlessly and allowed her to rope me into a warm hug, wrapping an arm around her middle when I found the strength. We parted ways and there Matty was, patiently waiting for me even after the way I’d left him. 

I wanted to resent him a little for that, for always being there, for never allowing me to push him away. But I couldn’t. Not when he took my hand in his. 

He said something to Delia as we left and let the door rattle behind us before he led me up the hilly street. It was quiet out, the lunch time rush had been and gone and it was nearing closer to the time most schools let out. I wondered how long we had until he was spotted.

We didn’t speak as we made our way back, his hand in mine, his eyes glancing over towards me every few steps even when I tried to conceal the dampness that clung to the tops of my cheeks.

I’d never been much of a crier. Or at least I’d like to claim as much, but this last year… these last couple of months had been…

I don’t reckon there was a word for it.

I just felt so defeated. Lost.

All I wanted was answers. 

All I needed was to be somebody else.

Part twenty>

[theintelligenceoflove]

For that Happy Day

Summary: You (FTM!reader) and Danny have been together for three years. You've were happy being Danny's girlfriend, until you weren't, and being seen as a woman was worse than the possibility of losing Danny.

Pairing: Danny/ftm reader

Warnings: Danny uses readers' dead name (y/dn) twice. At this point, the reader has not come out, and Danny does not know he's dead naming reader.

A/N: this is self indulgent, I've been sitting on it for a while but am uploading it from my phone so we'll see. (Also I'm literally always taking queer requests)

You snuck out of bed untangling yourself from Danny’s arms and going to the bathroom. You pushed your hair out of your face, that had been the first to go, not telling Danny before you chopped it all off. He’d loved it in the end, said it made you look spunky, you were going for masculine but then— your breath shook thinking about all the reasons why Danny didn’t think you you as masculine. You brushed your teeth and then, upon leaving the bathroom and seeing Danny still asleep you snuck to the kitchen to start breakfast. Your plan was to talk to him during breakfast, to keep from worrying about it all day.

First you went to the record player in the corner, putting on Cat Stevens Tea For the Tillerman. It was one of Danny’s favorite albums, one that reminded you so much of him. A comfort when he was gone on tour and right now it was keeping you calm enough to make breakfast. You didn’t have a lot planned, pancakes, eggs and bacon. But it was more than the usual coffee, cereal and a protein bar that you two usually started your day with. 

You had finished the bacon and pancakes when two big arms encircled your waist, pulling you up against a wide, familiar chest. “Morning sweetheart.” Danny mumbled, he sounded sleepy and  was so, so warm. His hair fell around you as he kissed the top of your head, a curtain that hid you from the world. 

“Breakfast and Cat Stevens,” You blushed, you had meant to change the music before he woke up. “Either it’s my birthday and I forgot, or it’s our anniversary and I forgot except-” Danny took the spatula from your hand and turned you around so you two were chest to chest as he towered over you. “It’s not, our anniversary is in the winter, November 12th.” You rolled your eyes and leaned your head on Danny’s chest. It had been three years now and Danny had never forgotten an anniversary. 

“I’m pretty sure my birthday is in the winter too.” Danny said his hands running up and down your sides under the shirt you were wearing. When he started tracing your sports bra you wiggled, not having anywhere to go between Danny and the stove. 

Danny gave you an inquisitive look but moved his hands down, resting on your waist. “So what’s with breakfast?”

“I can’t just do something nice for my boyfriend?” You asked, turning around in Danny’s hold not wanting the eggs to burn. Danny let you go, standing right behind you as you finished breakfast. 

“You can, but I know you hate waking up early.” Danny was less handsy than he usually was in the morning, likely sensing your tenseness, remembering your uncomfortable wiggling. You were glad he hadn’t decided to leave you all together. His familiar weight at your back calmed you down just enough to get you through the eggs. 

“Get me plates, please?” You asked, your voice wavering. Danny kissed the top of your head but did as you asked before getting mugs for coffee and forks, setting up the table as you put together plates and brought them to the table. As the two of you took your seats you felt Danny watching you. 

“Hey, what's wrong?” Danny reached across the table, lifting your chin with his hand. Looking into his deep brown eyes you could feel tears burning in your eyes. You could see the love he had for you in those eyes and wondered if this would be the last time you saw it. 

“Hey- hey sweetheart don’t cry what’s wrong?” You pulled away from Danny’s hand wiping away tears and feeling all too childish. “If you don’t tell me I’ll have to guess.” Danny teased, but you could hear his worry. 

“I love you so much.” You said not looking at Danny, instead looking down at the eggs on your plates. “I’m scared of losing you.” 

“y/dn,” It was not fair that Danny speaking so softly hurt you so much. But in truth that had been part of it, when you realized no matter how softly and sweetly your boyfriend spoke your name, or called you beautiful you hated it. “I’m not leaving, what’s wrong?”

You took a breath, trying to organize your thoughts. It had seemed so easy in your head, you would say your piece and after that— well that was the hard part the after you had no idea what might happen. You might leave this house, your house, and not be welcomed back except to get your stuff. Maybe not even that. 

“Are you pregnant?” Danny asked, his voice was soft, it wouldn’t be impossible condoms broke, sometimes there was no condom to be found. When you shook your head you almost smiled at Danny’s relieved look. 

“Did you cheat?” His voice was the same as it had been for the last question, when you looked up he didn’t look upset, in fact he looked worried and you knew, in your heart, that it would be worry for you. You two had talked about cheating early on, what counted, what didn’t, how talking about it was the best way to resolve issues. When he admitted he’d kissed a girl he met in a club you hadn’t been nearly as angry or upset as you thought you would have been. He’d told you the next day, had sounded sorry. The anger faded quickly when you realized, what ever it was that had gotten him to kiss her it was you he loved. You wished you could count on that love now. 

“Are we,” You watched Danny’s face fall, “y/dn are you breaking up with me?” 

“Please stop calling me that.” You said, not looking at him. He looked confused. 

“Your name? I don’t understand, baby please tell me whats going on.” You took a breath, glad for the pet name in place of your dead name, his tone was one that he would normally use your name with. But, you took a breath, he loved you enough to keep to a request as unreasonable as “don’t call me my name” without any explanation. 

“I’m not breaking up with you, I told you, I’m worried you’re going to leave me.” You said, you wanted to just tell him, but the way he was looking at you, love and worry all mixed up, you didn’t want to lose that. 

“Did you sell my nudes to some sleazy magazine?” Again he was joking but his voice was strained. 

“It’s- give me a second,” Danny nodded. “I need-” You stood up and walked to the record player taking Tea for the Tillerman off the turntable replacing it with your comfort album. Taking a deep breath before going back to the table. This wasn’t unusual for you and Danny, you almost always had music in the background. 

“I’m going to say it all, and I don’t want you to interrupt me.” Danny nodded, holding a hand out halfway between you and him. You were grateful for the life line. 

“Since I was in highschool at least,” You started, never had you meant to go that far back, but you couldn’t start over now. “I’ve known I was queer. I, well this isn’t news to you, my ex girlfriend introduced us.” 

Danny nodded, the worry and love had not left his face, but he sat listening. You knew, from your three years with him he was actively listening. Sometimes you expected him to have a notebook and pen out taking notes, he always remembered what you said as if he had. 

“When I was in college I started, I was queer but I was also- I dated this transgender guy.” You knew your sentences were getting mixed up, but you trusted Danny to follow you were ever you went, at least for now. “And he, the way he talked about his gender it opened something up in me and I-” 

You bit your lip looking down at your cooling food. You hadn’t taken a single bite, and looking at Danny’s plate he hadn’t either. Danny must have seen you looking at the food, he squeezed your hand. “I stopped thinking of myself as a woman after that. We didn’t stay together much longer but I-” 

You closed your eyes, didn’t want to even think about seeing Danny right now. But he hadn’t taken his hand back, and instead was rubbing his thumb along the back of your hand, soothing little motions. “It wasn’t supposed to be a big deal.” you said, “Gender is fake, society made up boxes and some people like those boxes some people don’t and I was just supposed to- I don’t know, be enlightened enough to disdain the boxes but I wasn’t ever supposed to-” 

You took a deep breath, feeling the tears burning behind your eyes again. “When I met you it was still like that. I didn’t care because they were just fake little boxes and we even talked about it once, and you seemed to agree but said you liked your box and I, when I said I thought the boxes were stupid you agreed but I couldn’t tell you I didn’t like my box, not really. So I just,” 

You jumped when you felt Danny’s hand on your cheek, when you opened your eyes Danny was leaning over the table wiping away your tears. He had pushed breakfast over so he could lean forward. You leaned into his hand. 

“We fell in love and I didn’t know how to explain it, didn’t know what was going on or I wanted to think I didn't know what was going on but of course I did. I just wanted to ignore it but it didn’t go away.” 

Danny’s face softened at that, “oh sweetheart,” he whispered. 

“I came out to my friends.” You said, “As nonbinary at first and maybe that’s still it but I, a few months ago I- I heard Josh call Harry his boyfriend and I thought ‘I wish Danny would call me his boyfriend.’ but in that very same conversation you didn’t, of course you didn’t, you called me your girlfriend and I-” You closed your eyes again, knowing that for the moment Danny was blaming himself for your pain, you weren’t angry at him but didn’t have it in you to deal with it, to promise him he wasn’t at fault. 

“I threw up in the bathroom.” You watched Danny bite his lip, could almost see the gears turning as he figured out exactly when this was. “I called a friend to come pick me up and they, well they told me I had to tell you but-” 

This, this was the hard part. You knew, deep down, Danny was not transphobic, you knew Danny loved you very much. You also knew that Danny had dreamed of being a rockstar his entire life, having a boyfriend who used to be your girlfriend might get in the way of that. No matter how much Danny wasn’t transphobic or he loved you. 

“But you’re a rockstar, and I- I’m a transgender man.” your voice broke. “And that makes things hard.” leaned your forehead on the table for just a moment, wishing you could go back to waking up in Danny’s arms, the moment before you remembered you wanted to come out to him. 

“People know about us, and I- I do want to transition physically I don’t know exactly what that looks like yet, but I’ve been looking at hormone replacement therapy and I could just go down to the planned parenthood but what would happen when all of a sudden your g-girlfriend had a mustache or-” you took a breath not daring to look at Danny “I guess that assumes you’re, that you’d be, that we’re still together” You finished. The tears had never really stopped so Danny wiped away a few more, he had not, this whole time, let go of your hand which you wanted to believe was a good sign. 

Danny waited for you to keep going, but you didn’t know what else to say. It was quite for a while, when you looked across the table at Danny he wasn’t looking at you, his eyes were closed in thought. But he never let go of your hand, his other hand too had come to cover your hand. A nice warm cocoon, a smaller version of his hugs. After what felt like forever Danny opened his eyes and looked at you, he didn’t look angry, or even upset. Instead he looked worried again, and so very in love with you. 

“Is it my turn?” He asked and you nodded, not trusting yourself to speak without crying. 

“A few things off the top.” Danny said, “I’m just as in love with you as I was when I woke up, or maybe more in love with you. That box conversation was one of the first conversations we ever had, it’s been more than three years and you’ve kept this all bottled up.” You wondered if Danny understood the way your heart swelled at his language. How he didn’t make it seem like you were hiding something from him or lying to him. 

“I’m also not breaking up with you,” he said very matter of factly, “on account of being very in love with you, it would break my heart if I did that.”  You took a breath, it was shaky, you felt like you weren’t out of danger yet, but what more could there be? He loved you, he was staying. 

“So, first things, you don’t want me calling you the name I know you by,” Your heart swelled at the way he avoided saying it even now. “Is there a name I should call you?” 

“Um, yeah Y/n.” you said and Danny’s face lit up. 

“Y/n,” You felt your heart swell as he said it. “You said, you’d like me to think of you as my boyfriend,  and you said you are a transgender man, does that mean you use he/him pronouns or-” He trailed off and you smiled, feeling your heartbeat out of your chest. 

“Yeah he/him.” Danny nodded, going quiet again for a moment whispering your name to himself, you didn’t catch much else other than the stray pronoun as if he were practicing right there in front of you. 

“This is my boyfriend,” Danny said waving towards you as if he were introducing you to someone, the words sounded odd, like Danny was concentrating very hard on them. “His name is y/n.” despite the way they sounded practiced you couldn’t help but giggle tears forming in your eyes. 

“Baby whats wrong?” Danny asked not for the first time that day, “is it- oh!” he grinned at you as he caught you smiling. “You’re happy.” You nodded standing up from your seat taking your hand out of Danny’s so you could walk around the table and sit on Danny’s lap stradling him. He wrapped his arms around you grinning just like you were. 

“I have about twelve thousand more questions.” Danny said kissing your cheek. “And we’ll get to them but I- I actually have something I was going to tell you tomorrow, that I think-” Danny’s cheeks lit up as he ducked his head, his hair falling around his shoulders. 

“I was going to make you steak tomorrow.” Danny said, “And I was going to put on the very album we’re listening to now, and I was going to tell you that it has come to my attention that straight men don’t, they don’t really ever think of other men when they’re-” 

You giggled, your face in Danny’s shoulder. “Jake says he’s never- well I probably shouldn’t tell you what my band mates think about when they’re going at it solo. It's not that important but Ive thought about, well, men. It was that conversation we had years ago actually that I kept coming back to. Everything you had said about boxes, i thought if it was so easy for gender to not fit in boxes then why should sexuality?” 

You smiled at Danny, urging him on, “Well I was going to tell you that I’ve decided I’m definitely bisexual, and it didn’t change anything but it would be nice for you to know. It still doesn’t change anything but, well, I’ve already had my ‘i’m attracted to men’ crisis, so there’s no need to worry about that.” 

Danny leaned down and kissed you, it was slow and sweet. His hands were holding you at your waist, and you couldn’t keep yourself from giggling. 

“What’s so funny hmm?” Danny asked, but his eyes were twinkling, he was glowing with happiness. 

“Next time we should just tell each other instead of planning on making meals that are just going to get cold while we talk.” You said, Danny laughed, a full laugh as he reached under you, holding you tight while he stood up. You wrapped your arms around his neck as he walked you to the bedroom dropping you on the bed. 

“Next time?” Danny asked leaning over you to kiss you. “I don't know if I can ever handle you that nervous again y/n.” He said your name like it was scared. 

“I’m sorry I-” Danny shook his head leaning down to kiss you his hair forming a curtin blocking out the whole world. 

“Don’t be sorry, I can’t imagine,” Danny trailed off running a hand up your side, when he got to your sports bra he pulled his hand away like he had been burned, as if earlier this morning was finally clicking. 

“We’ll figure everything else out later.” Danny said rolling over and pulling you into his side. “Right now, I’m exhausted because I woke up all alone in bed while my g-boyfriend was making me a breakfast we didn’t even eat.” 

You snuggled close to Danny, there were conversations that needed to be had. But Danny was right, sleep seemed a much better choice than hard conversations about language, and how this would change the relationship in small ways. 

“I love you y/n” Danny said and you grinned. 

“Love you too Daniel.” Danny kissed your head again, a sure sign that he was more asleep than awake, you followed him, letting the late morning sun warm you both as you fell back asleep. 

[ghosttownwherenoonegoes]

What’s your favorite thing about Eddie?

So, so many things.

I love that he's the person I needed the most when I was in school; I was most definitely a lost sheepie and in many ways, I do feel like I'm still looking for Eddie. I was bullied for fifteen years - literally from the day I started pre-school right up until I graduated sixth form college about a decade ago - and I love that he's the person I needed back then. There's some catharsis in loving him now as I look back on my teenage self. I love the way he welcomes and accepts people, the way he meets them where they are and doesn't judge them, unless they give him a reason not to. And if that's the case, then he'll judge them before they can judge him. He's kind right up until he isn't and he gives as good as he gets in all ways. I love him for knowing when to speak up and when to put down the hatches and settle in for the ride. I love him for becoming the very person he needed when he was younger; there's a quiet strength in that. And we all know that Uncle Wayne taught him how to do that!🥺

I love his clothes, his taste in music - it's very similar to mine. Ozzy was my first love, I remember throwing absolute tantrums if mum turned off one of his songs before it finished. I have video footage of me at three years old dancing to Mr Crowley, wearing an "Ozzy" tophat and wriggling my little body as much as I could, grinning. As an adult, if Ozzy doesn't make me smile, it's a serious red flag towards the state of my mental health. I fall asleep every night listening to a Black Sabbath album (usually Master of Reality) and I will not sleep if I don't have Ozzy playing. I love that Eddie would vibe so hard with that and he and I would get to bond over Ozzy. If Eddie ever dated me, he'd have to agree to 'share' me - if he wants one more kiss, then I get one more Ozzy song before we get out of the van. Take it or leave it, Munson.😂

I love Eddie's bravery. He'll shout, swear, call it stupid, all three all at once, but he will do it anyway because it's right. He'll do it, but he's gonna let the world know he doesn't want to and I love that so much. His perseverance, his loyalty to his friends and his uncle, his ability to endure a fucking man-hunt but still being kind, still cracking jokes... his genuine want to graduate, his love of D&D, his passion and devotion, creativity, imagination, determination, compassion and emotional intelligence, his perceptiveness, his gentility, his humour, his ability to read someone with a look and know what they need from him and the way he'll give it to them if he can. His tirades and his ability to listen to an eight minute song and master playing it in just eighteen days around all the other things I just mentioned. I love his voice and the way he speaks with his hands.

I love Eddie's internal and external beauty but most of all, most of all, I love Eddie Munson because he's Eddie. My sweet angel baby.

Eddie being who he is, is everything to me. I strive every day to be someone he'd love and be proud of. He (and his dad) have genuinely stopped me from quitting university at least five times each, and that's just last semester. I am leaning and clinging and loving.💕

[midchelle]

Thank you @raylangivins for tagging mwahhh kisses :)))

How many works do you have on ao3?

A humble 6.

What's your total ao3 word count?

34,148, would be 90,571 if I hadn't orphaned a fic a while back.

What fandoms do you write for?

It's currently the Beatles, but I used to write some other stuff. YA series. Let's not get into it.

What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

oh, what a night! - Paul's not looking at John, he’s watching his fingers follow the line of John’s clavicle to his shoulder. “Not going to sleep, then?” “No.” John swallows, feels the dexie scrape down his oesophagus. “Was rather hoping for an encore, myself.” Obertauern, February 1965

Sorry Girls, He's Married - The morning after the Ed Sullivan Show, John is in a strange mood. Cyn is asleep. Paul makes a bad choice || New York City, February 1964 (Added a summary to this a while ago because I remembered it just didn't have one lol)

the late, great, johnny ace - 1981. Paul is making an album.

my brother's keeper - There is a certain clinical satisfaction in seeing just how bad things can get || Chicago, August 1966

you and i have memories - Over the years, John has had many way-out ideas, but fucking off to California and having his memory wiped is certainly a novel one, even for him. (2/5)

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yeah I try to! I'm kind of a boomer when it comes to AO3 functionality, so sometimes I miss a few of them, but they're always super appreciated and I try to make sure that I show that.

What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably tell me all my love's in vain. The actual situation in johnny ace is much, much angstier, but the ending has a bit of hope, at least.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

oh, what a night! Absolutely zero conflict throughout.

Do you get hate on fics?

I had one person be irritating in the comments of a fic, but otherwise everyone's been lovely.

Do you write smut?

yeah

Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I haven't yet, might after I read the Marianne Faithfull/Edie Sedgwick bios that have been sitting on my desk for ages.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Someone could've stolen something I posted on Wattpad/ff.net and I wouldn't even know at this point because I can't get into the accounts.

Have you ever had a fic translated?

Think someone on ff.net offered to translate the now orphaned fic a while ago. Can't recall what language.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, but I'm open to doing it should the muse strike us simultaneously.

What's your all-time favorite ship?

this dynamic <33

What's a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

I had an idea for a Twilight fic some time ago that I never finished because I didn't know enough about Twilight, but it was a pretty good concept. I might use it for original fiction sometime, I dunno.

What are your writing strengths?

I dunno, you tell me. Descriptions, jokes, bad vibes, idk.

What are your writing weaknesses?

I hate writing the connective tissue bits between scenes, which is why most of my longer fics are in vignette form, and I get fed up of the fic if I've been working on it for a while, so my endings tend to be a bit lazier. Also, I'm not very good at plot. I'm mostly a vibes-based writer.

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

It's usually pretty easy to get around, especially if the character themselves doesn't speak the language. One of my biggest pet peeves in fiction in general is the egregious use of recognizable foreign words to show the audience they're speaking another language when everything else is in English. Don't be doing that.

First fandom you wrote for?

Percy Jackson, I think. Self insert ofc, never posted anywhere.

Favorite fic you've written?

Doing the opposite of the way parents pic their favourite child and saying whichever was the last one.

tagging (no pressure!): @aquarianshift @boshemians @eveepe

[sky-is-torn]

sky!! i’ve been thinking about your ask about midnights and i want to know all your first impressions/current thoughts on the albums.

what lyrics have you been thinking about? what songs stand out? have your song rankings/opinions of songs changed since your first listen?

tell me whatever you’d like, you don’t even need to answer this questions.

hiii lovely!!

when i first discovered the album, i was *so* surprised by the first few beats of "Lavender haze", i was expecting something way calmer i think😂 my instant favourites were anti-hero, labyrinth & sweet nothing

btw i found it so funny to see everyone hating on the sexy baby line when i loved it, especially because of what follows it, "i'm a monster on the hill too big to hang out slowly lurching toward your favourite city pierced through the heart but never killed" like !!! that was the first time i had to rewind because these lyrics!!! made me lose my mind a lil bit

ohh and the 'everybody agrees, everybody agreessss' made me think of the way Lorde sometimes sings? i can't think of a particular song but it gave the same vibe and anyway i loved it

i'm sorry to say that after the incredible, genius, heart-breaking lyrics of you're on your own kid, i jumped out of my skin with the beginning of midnight rain lol, not the best experience with the song at first

labyrinth was an instant favourite, the way her voice sounds so vulnerable, the lyrics... also the fact that i'm always taking the stairs to avoid the elevators because i literally don't trust them... like i know it's a metaphor but literally i related both to the metaphor & the irl situation i really felt psychoanalysed on that one lol

on first listen of the 3AM tracks, i... fell asleep lol (i wanted to wait until it was 3AM for me to have the real experience & ended up falling asleep i think i was only conscious for the great war xD)

on second listen i loooved the great war, i kept seeing metaphors for the book i had just finished reading ("this is how you lose the time war"), the lyrics were so clever and the song is exactly the kind of catchy song i love to listen to while power-walking lol

high infidelity was also an immediate favourite, wow!! the parallels to champagne problems made me go a lil bit insane, also the way she enunciates "storm coming, good husband, bad omen" is just... *chef's kiss* wish i could inject this shit directly into my veins xD

would've could've should've is such a good song, when i first listened to it i loved it, but the more i listen the more it grows on me it's sooo good ("now that i'm grown i'm scared of ghosts"??? "the tomb won't close"??? "stained glass windows in my mind"??? "living for the thrill of keeping where it hurts"????) that at the end of it i never know what to listen to next (dear reader seems like a weird choice tbh) so i keep it on a loop ^^

when i first listened to the album i was a bit disappointed by maroon because i was expecting something totally different (i think it was the problem with having these track titles for so long before the album, i had theories & hopes whereas usually i go in blind) and since then the song has grown on me so much, her voice sounds so *gorgeous* in it and the lyrics are very good too

anyway i'm gonna wrap this up because otherwise this will turn into a literal novel, if you've read thus far you're already a hero <3

[0pticblast]

Day 1

I woke up and my business partner did not wake up on time to go to the gym. I used that time to rest before I went to work early. I still have my job, but I'm currently looking for one in order to be able to support my family more and my business. Work wasn't bad for once, maybe it's because we didn't have a meeting, maybe it's because my boss and I talked about trading cards, I just hate meetings and not knowing what to say.

My direct deposit didn't go through, it got delayed because our payday is next Tuesday. It's tough, but I'll try my best to just eat at home. There's so much food in the fridge, I have to stop being lazy and cook. I was able to pay off some expenses from my trading card business from my part-time job. I got to try the roast duck chow mein at Phoenix as well, it was okay.

There was a social at work, usually I wouldn't go because work is so busy but all my f*cks are gone and I need a break. I went outside for 10 minutes and drank a cider with my coworker. I'm gonna miss the friends I made, the crushes I've had, and the work besties who'll stick around in my life hopefully later down the line.

I competed at One Piece last night with a new Leader. I didn't win a single game and that's okay. As bitter as it felt, people were giving me props for piloting a different deck. Regionals is in two weeks, I'm no way prepared at all and I don't know how people do it. I'm honestly way more focused on reselling cards than actually competing now, which is not a bad thing. I got a bad offer for a card that I was trying to sell, he wasn't meeting me halfway and his offers/counteroffers were way low. On the plus side, we sold all 7 of our tournament packs. It's crazy to think that we're actually getting s*it done. A month and a half ago I said f*ck it let's sell these for $5 each. I was about to give up, one day we sold 5 packs and for a good while no one wanted our other stuff. It's a lot of highs and lows, nothing in between but the thrill of finally selling something feels great.

When I got home I wanted to work more, but my body said no and rested. I watched an episode of Spy X Family, posted content on Slabs, and fell asleep on the couch after getting food coma from Denny's. My Amazon package came in, I pulled Yunjin from the LE SSERAFIM album I got. My bias wrecker be wrecking me, what a good start to my journey.

During lunch all I could think about is Brenda, she makes good content and I hope her and I give it another shot one day. Me being me, I fall hard which is a blessing and a curse. It's like, why would I half a** liking someone? I can't help how I feel and how much I can feel emotionally. I do know I have to keep myself on check externally, but nowadays I'm just very direct and transparent with what I say and do because we don't need to play this waiting game. I recently started reading this book, "Single: On Purpose" by John Kim. Listening to the audiobook driving back home from LA last weekend gave me alot of perspective and it's something that I want to finish reading and take notes with. I'll also document what I learned from each section so I don't forget what I got from it.

[sitpwgs]

Hi!!! I'm so so sorry I haven't replied! I know it's been days lol. I've been meaning to but I kept getting distracted or busy and also I've just been using Tumblr less and trying to be more productive. Never take it personally or anything..thats why I said before the back and forth replying can sometimes be hard for me having to keep up with it and I also like to take my time replying to you. I hope you don't think I forgot about you! 🩷

Haha I'm sorry I had to inform you about the back covers not matching. It is what it is but I'm also so excited to see some of the other photos. I think there is another one where she is holding an ice cream cone too, and I've seen one where she is wearing the white shirt from the pink or blue vinyl. I love that picture so much! But ya I actually connect with Rep a lot. I think that was my favorite album before Folklore cuz I love all the songs on it. But I never listen to an album if the rerecording hasnt come out...only a few songs. I made an exception for the concert when all the songs were on shuffle and rep was the only CD in my car. But usually I don't like to..so I won't know how to compare it..not that I would anyway. I did listen to 1989 before Midnights came out though cuz I wanted to hear most of her other albums. I also love Red and those would probably be my top 3. What about you? What would be some of your top albums or top songs? I probably have a good or solid top 5 I think. I know..my predictions are probably way off but that also makes it fun. I don't have many other predictions cuz I feel like it's similar to something else we already have on the album, and I don't really think there will be a ballad type song either but I'm happy to be wrong. Every vault has given me at least one or two songs i absolutely love though so I just hope that's still true and it probably will be! I'll be sure to send you all my thoughts..an exact month from now!

It is very hard for me to keep track of every show I've seen so I can't imagine how it is for you. I totally agree about the atmosphere of some shows..Rent was like that. I totally recommend the movie or cast recording though cuz I just love some of the songs a lot. But it is rock music so you might not like it as much. But if you like Tick Tick Boom, I would at least listen to it. I would probably feel the same about Newsies too cuz it seems like such a fun show. I did see Aladdin and it was fun to see a Disney show but I'm sure Newsies would still be different. There's also something so fun about seeing a show you know so well! I haven't seen a show more than once and I would really like to someday. Unless you count school shows that I was a part of in elementary school haha. But ya I can imagine..that's the point of theater really is that every show is different and each one can be special. Funny story..my mom didn't know what a thespian was the other day so I had to explain it to her..even when I said theater she thought I meant movie theater lol.

So..I actually haven't finished Theater Camp yet. That's another reason I waited to reply to but I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer! I waited to watch it with my sister and it just didn't work out. I put it on last night and ended up falling asleep. I woke up like an hour later and tried to rewatch it but fell asleep again! This is shocking to me cuz I was so excited to watch it and I'm usually never tired! But it was also 3AM. I've just been really drained lately I guess and that could be why I never replied. I've been sleeping more and sometimes that makes me more tired than staying up late. Midnight is usually afternoon for me lol. I am definitely going to watch it tonight though but I'm glad you liked it! The little bit I did watch I enjoyed and I know it's my kind of movie. I am also going to finish Some Mistakes were Made by the end of this week! This will actually be my first fully finished book I started of the year. Sorry it's so late but I think I liked it mostly. I w Thank you for thinking of me with your post and I will look more into the book you recommended. I will also tell you if I read the other ones. I have not been watching much of anything lately but I listened to Madison Beer's album and I think you would like it..and also Laufey and Mitski so you can share your thoughts if you want! I don't actually know what Ask Evans is besides gifs on here but im glad you liked it and I think Heart stopper is cute from gifs I've seen. The Bear will probably be the next show I watch..but I know I was saying that a month ago haha. I hope you're doing amazing!!! Love the new url if it makes you happy! I can't remember which url I followed you from lol. 🩷

hi friend!!! no worries at all; i don't take it personally at all and i hope your tumblr break is going well! 🤍

my top three albums are probably: debut / speak now / red but i love love love fearless and folklore and evermore and lover and midnights and 1989 and rep! she just has such a good discography. just one month away till 1989 taylor's version!!! i'm so, so, so excited! i took the day off (i usually take release dates off work, just because i'm notoriously bad at taking days off just to take days off) so i'm excited! i'm not sure what i'll do though — maybe something crafty! i've been in a major crafty mood lately.

i want to see rent! but part of me feels like since it's been so long i should just wait until i can see it live!! what shows were you in? i'm always so curious about school productions! and omg that's so funny about your mom! did you see the new papermill gatsby stuff? what are your thoughts? i know you were also excited about it a while ago! i hope you got some sleep + that you enjoy theatre camp when you get to finishing it! i did notice that you usually send me asks late at night for me (for us! since we're in the same timezone) and was a bit worried about your sleep schedule!

and no worries on being behind on the buddy read 🤍 i'm excited to know your thoughts when you're done! and yes — i totally forgot that for the wolf/for the throne has twins! i've been struggling to read the book (i bought a copy over a year ago) for months now so decided to just check the audiobook out from the library and my head snapped up when i heard "twin sister" and i was like OH I HAVE TO TELL 🩷 ANON IMMEDIATELY!!

i will add all of those to my list soon!! i finally treated myself to a badlands vinyl, so i need to spin that sooooon but i've been busy with work (and just generally feeling ill still) so i haven't been listening to that much music. and then there's the new del water gap album out tonight, and acoustic there it goes by maisie peters! so much new music! i love doing new music friday but i'm so bad at listening to things haha. i used to text one of my best friends a new music friday roundup, but i haven't done that in a while!

why didn't they ask evans is a miniseries that my friend jamie loves!! and i was very intrigued by it and watched the first episode many many months ago, and finally got around to watching the rest of it over the weekend! it's based off of the agatha christie book of the same title (which i haven't read, but want to)! heartstopper was very cute, and so lovely to watch while i was feeling poorly. and the music in heartstopper is phenomenal! i hope you like the bear; i can't wait to hear your thoughts when you get around to it :)

and hehe thank you!!! i have a (bad) habit of changing my url very very often! i'll probably change it in a month or so too (maybe for 1989, or maybe for holly humberstone's new album)! hope you're having a good day <3

[spaceageloveblog]

I listen to at least one album every day in its entirety. I do it in a three day cycle: new, new to me, old. On the days for an "old" album, I sometimes have a reason to listen to it, but oftentimes I resort to simply opening up Apple Music to see what's listed in the "Listen Now" section, notice an album I haven't heard in a while and go with that. A few days ago it was Goodness by the Hotelier.

It came out in 2016, a year a lot of albums I love came out, especially indie rock albums I love. Pinegrove's Cardinal came out that year, probably my favorite, saw them twice live that year. Car Seat Headrest's Teens of Denial came out that year, probably the most critic darling indie rock album, I loved it at the time, don't go back to it as much. The 1975's second album came out too, I loved that, still do. Julien Baker's first album came out too, loved that, saw her live that year too. And my favorite Angel Olson album. And the Mitski album with "Your Best American Girl" on it. Those were just my favorites. There were plenty more.

I was new into streaming and listening to a lot of new stuff, feeling old, but optimistic about the latest music coming out. I can tell I'm old because I think stuff in 2016 is still relatively recent, but would laugh at someone in 1993 for thinking 1986 music was recent. I had just finished my exec MBA and was taking improv classes, spending time around younger people. Keeping me young to some extent, making me feel old at the same time.

I assume I listened to the entire Goodness album at the time. But I really only remember the first half, and really loved 2 songs: track 2 "Goodness, Pt. 2" (which was effectively the opener after a spoken word track 1) and track 6 "Settle the Scar," both of which remain on intermittent rotation to this day. But then I listened to the full album a few days ago and heard track 9 "Soft Animal" and when the chorus came on and the singer belts out "MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE, MAKE ME BELIEVE THAT ALL MY SELVES ALIGN" I get the chills and I am fairly certain I never made it this far into this album because I don't think I have heard this song before, at least I don't remember.

I have listened to it 3 or 4 times each day since. Often with 4 or 5 other songs on the album. Often while working. Or driving. Sometimes while running. Usually daydreaming that I was the sort of person musically talented and poetic enough to write and perform a song like this.

I have mixed feelings about my daydreams. Sometimes I worry I am wasting my thoughts. But other times I am happy I have something to divert myself with, especially to fall asleep. Do other people do this? I daydream to fall asleep. I saved a quote Scott Adams' autobiography I read (coincidentally in 2016) about daydreaming:

Don’t worry that your daydreams are unlikely to come true. The power of daydreaming is similar to the power of well-made movies that can make you cry or make you laugh. Your body and your mind will respond automatically to whatever images you spend the most time pondering. If you imagine winning a Nobel Prize, buying your own private island, or playing in the NBA, don’t worry that those things are unlikely. Putting yourself in that imagination-fueled frame of mind will pep you up. Imagination is the interface to your attitude.

[gyuworm]

Hihi lili!!✨️✨️✨️

Hope all has been well for u and that ur requests aren't too much. Plz remember to take care of yourself and drink lots of water! 🫶🏻💖💖

I knew you would like those mvs! From what I've learned abt u so far it made sense lol. I'm glad you liked it. ✨️✨️

ON AN AIRPLANE. I've never been on one before. 🥲 And they lowkey scare me tbh.. If u do end up watching the Conjuring plz plz plz lmk what you think!

Maybe I should try to get back into writing.. I read ur ot8 break up texts already 😊😅 Is that weird to say? I got the notif and was like yeppp reading it rn. The angst was perfecttttt. I WASN'T EXPECTING JEONGIN'S

And yes!! I will definitely share it sometime!! I hope through our talking we can become besties 🫶🏻 Okok question time- Do you game? If so what consoles and games do you prefer?

~ 🍓🫶🏻

HI STRAWBERRY 🫶🏻🫶🏻 you are too sweet, please take care of yourself too!

i’ve been on airplanes many times, i’ve done overseas flights too, i always fall asleep anksossk i remember one year we went on a vacation the same day that skz released a new album (i think levanter??) and i listened to the album on loop for the whole plane ride LOL anyway idk i like going to the airport and seeing all the people. (i will let u know if i watch it)

you should definitely try!! even if you don’t end up publishing it you can keep it for yourself. ITS NOT WEIRD AT ALL ITS SO SWEET 😭🫶🏻 idk what demon possessed me at seungmin’s and jeongin’s 😦😦 i feel kinda bad lmjsowjd i’m glad you think it was good!

aww i hope so too 🫶🏻🫶🏻 — okay so i usually play games on my pc or switch. i mostly play the sims 4 lmfao. some of the games i’ve played are ddlc, danganronpa, outlast(never finished), life is strange, genshin impact, yttd and minecraft. on my switch i’ve played sally face animal crossing and i have the new pokémon game! — what games have you played??

[quarantinehomies]

Zeltzin: S.O.S

I sat frozen in the middle of my math lecture hall, staring at the message on my phone. What I see before me is a positive COVID test from my friend, John. Beside me sat Lily, and we were right in the middle of the lecture hall as we saw the positive COVID test on our phones. I immediately tuned out the sound coming from my professor as I turn to Lily. I remember her turning to me asking if we should leave because we spent time with John prior to our lecture and we ended up leaving our lecture sooner than later since the lecture ended in five minutes. We rushed back to Merrill, which was a whole journey from science hill. As we were completely out of breath, I had a bad feeling that there was something wrong with me. Once we were at the top of the hill, I felt like I couldn't breathe at all usually, I’m out of breath but not like this. I’d also like to mention that I’ve had COVID before, but I didn't feel as horrible as I did at the moment.

We meet John outside on the Merrill plaza and we all test again on a bench. I unpacked the COVID test and held my breath as I swabbed the inside of the nose, my nose ring getting caught with each swab. I dreaded this process and only found the part about dipping the drops into the test. Three drops in and immediately my COVID test showed two lines. I was so distraught over these results because I already got COVID in the past and I got my most recent booster months ago, which I know isn't a guarantee that I'm immune from COVID, but it still sucked to see. I remember thinking that this second time getting it won't be that bad because my body knew how to deal with it. However, I was so wrong. 

A temporary solution that I thought of was to quarantine in my room with John. I informed Valerie of my misfortune, and I told her to leave the room to stay with Richard and Lily in Merrill B. As John and I stayed in my room, I remember us just sitting on the floor, completely clueless about what to do in this situation. What was there to do? Could the timing be any worse? Was I going to fail my classes? I was spiraling. Until we got a call from Richard informing us he, too, had COVID. New plan. John and I transferred to Richard's room, and we had Lily and Valerie stay in my room. 

Now staying in Richards's room was an experience. Arriving there I took over his bed, and he was forced to stay in his roommate's bed, but I got priority since I was the one dying the most out of the two. The room was a double with beds that weren't lofted and I felt grateful because I did not want to waste a breath climbing up the ladder of a loft bed. I recall spending most of my time just coughing and trying to breathe as I rot in his bed. Time felt stagnant and life felt like we were in a Billie Eilish music video covering her album Happier Than Ever. I only left the bed when I needed to use the restroom and that alone exerted too much energy. I felt like a wilting flower petal. 

On a brighter note, we tried to make the most of it. We watched Netflix until dark and would always make commentary on the shows. I felt like we were movie critics and it became our full-time job. We watched a lot of Dahmer and that ended up giving me nightmares almost every night, but I found the show so enticing we were all so invested in finishing up the series. We also would try to include Lily and Val, who still lived in our room. Teleparties were a big hit, but we would all end up falling asleep during the hour-long movie, but we would make up for it with short and sweet FaceTime checking in on each other. All was at somewhat of an equilibrium until Valerie tested positive.

The next morning, we had a new roommate added to the room that was meant to be a double. We established Valerie would live in Richard's bed with me since that’s the only space the room could provide and she could join us in our endless Netflix binging. Now that the room was occupying four people, we had to feed four stomachs and the food variety wasn’t existent. The food they provided us was very plain, but that could be because of my loss of taste. I recall us using Grubhub as a resource sometimes, but I still couldn't taste my food, so it felt almost discouraging to eat. Just when I thought things couldn’t take a turn for the worst, Lily tested positive for COVID.

The next morning, we had a new roommate added to the room that was meant to be a Back to my original plan! Since we were all positive, we all migrated to me and Valerie’s room. This was somewhat of good timing since Richard's roommate wanted to move back into the room so he could have it all to himself now. I guess someone is a winner. I was feeling mixed about us all having COVID. I liked how we were all able to quarantine together, but also it wasn’t good fortune that we all were suffering from the virus. All the more, I enjoyed becoming reunited with my bed. Val reunited with her bed as well and as for everyone else, their new home was on the floor, which wasn’t anything new for John. Altogether we would have game nights and I would laugh until my stomach hurt. COVID didn't feel so bad when I was with all of them.

 As time passed, I was feeling better but Lily seemed to do worse since she just received COVID. Someone suggested we should go on a walk and so we all put our masks on and walked over to the East Field. The breeze was light and the sun hurt my eyes as I felt like I was a vampire being exposed to sunlight for the first time. I took pictures to capture these moments as I felt like it was a momentous occasion to finally be stepping foot outside. I did however feel a bit out of breath since that was the most active I have ever been. We all eventually headed back to our cave, isolated from society. 

The happy ending to my story was that I was starting to feel a lot better, and it was a week that had passed, so I decide to test myself again and, to my surprise, tested negative. I have never felt happier failing a test before. Valerie also tested negative that same day, and it felt like there was some light at the end of the tunnel. However, the rest who were still sick would test positive, and since we had immunity and they had nowhere else to go so they stayed in our room until they tested positive. Life remained the same until John finally tested negative. 

My family had invited me to attend a quinceanera for my neighbor and I was thrilled! It felt like this was a celebration of finally being free. I invited John and Valerie to go with me since they were negative and the next day we were off to celebrate a quinceanera but also our negative COVID tests. 

[mjae]

The theme of the year is "Restoration"

I had trouble sleeping last night. My brain was buzzing even well past midnight. Recently, I noticed that I get sleepy earlier in the evening. It didn't happen last night. I have no idea why it happened, but it was probably because of the things that were churning in my head.

Or just the energy drink I had to stay awake for New Year's!

I know it's been a few days, but still...

Well, whatever it was, I did eventually just fall asleep. I don't know what time it was, but it was probably from sheer exhaustion.

All that said, I really just wanted to get started on writing again...

So, here we are.

It's 2023!

Welcome to another start in my periodic quest to write every day!

Like I said in the title, the theme of the year is restoration.

The pandemic did all sorts of different things for all sorts of different people.

Taylor Swift was really productive and produced two albums in one year during this time. Made all of us look plenty lazy. Me, included.

Instead of being more productive, I got less productive. The pandemic restricted a lot of activity, most of them things that we took for granted and expected to simply be able to do every day without question or thought.

Now that I think about it, I couldn't adjust very well. It didn't help that I started a new job in 2021: a part-time instructor at a local uni.

That was when I got way less productive.

Well, technically, I was productive in the area of being an instructor, but not in the things I usually do.

Last year, 2022, the pandemic started waning for real. There's still cases today, of course, but it's not something we are not too alarmed about anymore. It's probably gonna stick with us forever now. Like regular coughs and colds. It's now another one of those diseases that we could possibly get just anytime.

So, hopefully, 2023 will be a good year for me to start try and get back to those old things.

This is where the restoration part comes in.

The first step was to find and use a tracking app. I found a habit tracker called Timecap. Seems decent, so I'm using that.

Here are a couple of things I am simply tracking:

Play I'm tracking this because, even without the recaps from my various apps and platforms, I know I played way less than I used to. Probably comes with the territory of having more work, but I want to change that.

Read Unfortunately, I also read way less last year. Goodreads says I only read 12 books last year. That's barely an average of one book a month. Definitely not a good look, especially with a record of 26 in 2021 and 43 in 2020. Yes, it's been a downhill ride. I hope to change that this year and finish well over 12 this time.

I'm tracking them so I can see how much time I'm spending on them. Or, how little.

A couple of things I am building:

Exercise Before the pandemic, I was cycling practically every day. The lockdowns and the quarantines did not do me a favor when it came to exercise. I ended up doing this way less until I couldn't anymore. I did have a period with the boxing app on my Switch, but I couldn't stick with it either. I want to try again. Although... I did not have a good start with this one today. I woke up to something terrible, so I couldn't get started. Probably just an excuse, but we'll see.

Learn Japanese Another one of those things that got disrupted. I had a really nice streak and it was going so well, until a period of disruption upset my progress. I've had to reset maybe twice now. I'm wondering now whether I should reset again, but that's another thing we'll see.

Write This one I seem to be having a good start on. I don't know how long it will last this time, but I hope longer. There's a routine change coming at the start of next week, though, so that's something that does not bode well for this. Still, gotta start somehow, right?

An aside... Like I always do when I want to start writing again, I got hung up for a good time on where to write. It's a good thing I already had something in mind: since we're talking about restoration I thought to use one of my old blogs. I had something in mind, but I was misremembering it. It didn't look like I thought it did. So, I spent some time looking at these old spaces. This old Tumblr blog is it this time. The last post is actually from January 2nd, 2022. It's not even an actual post, just a share from Instagram. The last real post is from August 23rd, 2019 - one of my sort of rants about Descendants 3. So, it's been over three years...

In another note, I also wanted to change the theme. I almost got stuck on that again, but I realized what I was doing, so I got to stop myself and just picked the top result: Tumblr Official.

No qualms, no thinking too hard. Any space will do, so just get on with it!

Now, I don't have a good record with these habit tracking things. I get tired of them after a while. The longest I've gone is probably just a couple of weeks. Hope it will be different this time.

Here's to 2023 🎉

[a-moth-to-the-light]

when your alarms don't go off but you aren't exactly mad about it (dec 07, 2022)

It's been a little bit since I've done one of these! Life is hard, especially since I've been living in a triggered state for a little while now, but I appreciate getting to sit down and write, even if it's not too often!

Spotify Wrapped, 2

Today, we're talking about my Top Songs 2022 playlist, as created by Spotify! My comments, straight from my brain to your home heating system:

a. The lack of Bruce Springsteen here is surprising--I figured we might get "Lonesome Day" or "Land of Hope and Dreams" or "The River", all of which have been on my mind this year, in there somewhere, but the only Springsteen song on the list was "I'm Goin' Down" (though it was at #13, which is kind of awesome). It's a fantastic song that definitely matched my mood this year, so I'm glad it got represented-- but where's the rest of my Springsteen? How am I supposed to prove my fanboy status if Spotify does this to me :(

b. The artists tied for most songs on the list are Red Velvet & Bad Suns, each with five songs! Last year, only GFRIEND had five songs on the list--it's fun to have a tie this year! (And yes, one of those songs was "Mago"--even though we didn't know it was a goodbye song back then, there's something about it that just makes it the perfect way to finish off such a glorious career.) Perhaps most impressive is that all five Bad Suns songs are from only two albums total--I've actually only listened to two of their four albums, and yet I've already found so many classics!

c. There are four songs that have managed to make my Top Songs lists for three years straight now (my lists from 2018 & 2019 are very different, as my taste shifted a lot in 2020, so no songs have made it on more than three lists)--"As If It's Your Last" by Blackpink, "Bad Boy" by Red Velvet, "Blueming" by IU, and "Why So Lonely" by Wonder Girls (And "I Feel You" is back for its second year! Yay Wonder Girls!). Usually, when people gush about "Bad Boy" (as Reveluvs on YouTube are wont to do), I think okay, I don't really get it but I'm glad they're happy. I'm fully on team "Really Bad Boy", but apparently I like "Bad Boy" more than I thought I did. Also don't make fun of me for having "Why So Lonely" on here... yes I feel chronically empty inside and yes I need a passive-aggressive sadgirl anthem to help me through it and yes that hasn't changed in three years and probably never will! (lighthearted)

d. WHY WON'T SPOTIFY LET ME SORT THIS GODDAMN LIST BY ARTIST??!?!?!?!

e. Both songs from Sumni's Heart Burn single made it into my top 20!

f. UNNATURAL BY WJSN IS BACK FOR A SECOND YEAR AND SHE DESERVES IT SO SO MUCH

the day, in short

So I actually never fell asleep on Tuesday night, and I ended up giving up on trying to sleep around four a.m. and just heading to the gym when it opened at six! Then I had the glorious experience of age-regressing at the gym in the hell-hours of the morning: tottering around the track, watching the sunrise, and struggling to relearn how to put gloves on. Being a kid is tough, but it really did feel magical to enjoy the gym through a child's eyes, especially with the novelty of being there so early in the morning (we usually take our walks around the track right before dinner)!

After our first class, we got to take a nap! We always like falling asleep in the daytime so much better than falling asleep at night--the only issue is that people keep wanting us to do things during the day. sigh We ended up napping wayyyyy too long, though, oversleeping our alarm and missing a class (+ the start of our other class). This is what happens when we forget to take our sleeping pills--we don't sleep at all, and then, when we take one the next day, all the tiredness catches up to us. I'm pretty sad about missing those classes, since I was really excited for some of the stuff happening, but I'm glad I got such a nice nap--I'm struggling with emotion-management already, so trying to do so on even less sleep would probably have been even more hellish. My body knows what it needs; it really is looking out for me :)

And yes I know I'm switching between I & we here! That's a pretty common thing I do when talking about myself, so hopefully it's not too confusing! It just makes the most sense to me to use a mix of both, especially when I'm comfortable enough that I don't feel the need to mask! arm wave for emphasis

Quote of the Day

#tittyequality

-- not me this time, though this is probably something i would say (embarrassed)!

[pinkpuffballdude]

tagged by @shorter-than-her-tbr-pile to list ten songs I’ve been listening to on loop!

so recently I’ve had P.H.U.K.U by Orbital stuck in my head, which means I’ve been listening to a lot of Odesza and Ulrich Schnauss as well, for example:

It’s Only by ODESZA

Stars by Ulrich Schnauss

IPlayYouListen by ODESZA

A Moment Apart by ODESZA (which you may recognize from Eugene Lee Yang’s coming out video)

Late Night by ODESZA

Meridian by ODESZA

little bit of Cream on Chrome by Ratatat

also P.H.U.K. by Orbital and

P.H.U.K.E.D.U.P. by Orbital

when I get a song stuck in my head, it gets stuck, it was a struggle to even get ten songs on here. which I didn’t. ah well. just add Koto also by ODESZA and make it ten

if you want to, feel free to do it (and tag me! I like hearing about what kind of music people like), but I’ll officially tag @clericjester uhhhhh @ladywhitetower (I forgot your other blog I’m so sorry) @the-l-spacer (or @/podcastlimbo if you prefer) why do so many of my friends have multiple blogs why @asimpleram @jakkubrat and also literally anyone else who wants to do it I’m running out of brain

[kyufessions]

The Kids

context: keeho comes back to the dorms late at night to find you there

word count: 1.7k

genre: fluff

warnings: none

a/n: i’ve had this idea in my mind for the past day or so, so here it is. any lowercase is intended. i tried my best, so enjoy~

“Hey kids, I'm home!” keeho sang aloud , slipping into his dorm slippers and putting his beanie on the table next to the door. He raised a brow when he heard no one answer, assuming at least one of the members would be awake at this hour. Sure, it was almost two in the morning but the youngest usually stay up till early morning hours, usually when the sun starts to rise is when they curse under their breaths and run off to catch some sleep for a few hours.

He shrugged his shoulders, walking into the kitchen to grab himself a bottle of water before heading over to check in on everyone before passing out in his bed. But in order to get to the kitchen, he had to pass by the living room you sat in awaiting his arrival. Keeho had no idea you would be at the dorm tonight, only coming over when the two youngest called you over to bring snacks and play games with them. You could never say no to them, especially if they begged you. They were too cute to say no to, and they knew it so they used it to their advantage whenever the opportunity presented itself.

When he entered the living room, he couldn’t hold back the smile that was spreading across his face as he noticed the position you were in. there you were, sitting on the floor with your back pressed up against the couch. on the couch laid jongseob, sleeping peacefully with a blanket wrapped around him while soft snores escaped his mouth. on your lap was Soul’s head, him sleeping peacefully as well as he was curled up into a ball. And there you were, watching a movie on the television with one hand resting on top of Soul’s head as you caressed his hair. your eyes met his, smiling automatically as you noticed him staring at the sight in front of him.

“Hey babe, welcome back.” you whispered, careful not to wake up either of the boys around you. “Soul just fell asleep not too long ago, Jongseob has been knocked out for a while.”

keeho made his way over to you, sitting to your left as your right was occupied by a sleeping Soul. his lips connected to your forehead, grabbing your free hand and rubbing circles into the back of it. “How long have you been here for?” He questioned quietly.

you shrugged, looking up to try and recall the time you arrived. “Since, maybe, around 4? With the majority of you all being busy in the studio and with recordings, these two called me up to keep them company and, you know, here I am.”

keeho chuckled, nodding and admiring you in this moment. seeing you with his members always made his heart skip multiple beats in a row, especially with the youngest members. He loved how much you looked after everyone, almost like you were both the parents of them. When you both started dating, he was worried how you would get along with everyone. but as soon as you met them, you fit in perfectly almost as if you were a member of P1Harmony yourself.

your eyes looked around the floor, noticing the snack wrappers and empty banana milk containers. you looked up at your boyfriend, mumbling a sorry under your breath. “My bad. I couldn’t say no to them, you know how they are.” Keeho responded with agreement before you continued on. “How was the recording? How’s the new album coming along?”

“Good, almost done with the finishing touches.” When you yawned, he patted your head and pecked your lips softly. “Tired?”

you nodded, another yawn leaving your mouth. “these kids are so energetic. they make me feel old even though i’m only in my early twenties.” you joked, earning a soft chuckle from keeho. “Wouldn't trade them for the world, though.”

“Good, I hope not.” he responded, standing up and walking to the other side of you. He swiftly picked up Soul with a grunt, holding him in his arms bridal style “Come on, lets get you to bed.” and with that, he starts walking to Soul’s room to properly put him in his own bed.

You finally stood up fully, stretching out your legs to regain circulation since you had been put in your previous position for quite some time. As you shut off the tv, you look behind yourself to double check on jongseob before walking to the kitchen and grabbing two water bottles. As you walked towards keeho’s room, you couldn’t help but stop by Soul’s and watch as keeho made sure he was placed properly in his bed, standing in the door frame and watching closely with admiration. The way he cared for all members, especially the youngest, warmed your heart. How caring keeho is was one of the many things you adored about him, one of the main reasons you ended up caring for him more than a friend should have. So when he reciprocated those same feelings, you couldn’t help but feel like the luckiest person in all the universes.

When keeho wrapped the blanket around Soul, he turned around to leave him be and found you standing in the door frame staring. He stood there for a second, his cheeks heating up for some reason. When he noticed you staring, you smiled at him and let out a quiet giggle to make sure not to wake up a sleeping Theo. your boyfriend mouthed a ‘what?’ before shuffling over to you as quietly as possible, snaking his arms around your waist and placing a soft kiss to your forehead. You shook your head before placing your forehead on his, kissing the tip of his nose. You wanted this moment to last forever, just both you and keeho admiring each other as the pale moonlight peaked through the window above the empty bed that was supposed to be occupied by Jongseob.

“Nothing.” You mumbled, taking his hand in yours after a few seconds. “Come on, it’s late.” you stepped out from the door frame, closing the door quietly behind both of you before moving next door to his room that he shared with Jiung and Intak. Both had been sleeping for several hours and slept through all the ruckus you had made hours ago with Soul and Jongseob, so they were for sure sleeping heavily. Keeho smiled, following behind you like a lost puppy.

You both slipped under the covers of his bed as silently as you could. You leaned over towards his nightstand, opening the middle drawer and pulling out your ipad that you left at the dorms for nights like this. Along with the ipad came the headphones, plugging it into the ipad and opening up Netflix to watch the show you and keeho had started binge-watching the other day. You handed him his side of the earphones, slipping yours into your left ear while he slid his in his right. You propped up the ipad on your left thigh and his right one, watching the show together as you held hands under the blankets. Your head laid on his shoulder, feeling your eyes getting heavy but your mind racing with thoughts of only your loving boyfriend, and how you could only imagine spending the rest of your days with him.

While you watched the show, keeho admired you. He placed a soft kiss on top of your head as he rubbed shapes into the back of your hand again, enjoying these simple moments with you. He couldn’t ask for a better partner, especially one that understood the life he lived and embraced it with open arms. Even when you both were just friends, he was grateful that you were still accepting of how his life was. If you hadn’t been, he would have dropped you the moment he realized it but when you didn’t mind it at all, not even a complaint, he knew he had to keep you close. And here you both were several months later, happily dating and head over heels for one another. That's why he couldn’t help the next words that came out of his mouth.

“I love you.” he whispered, but his eyes widened when you had said it at the same exact time as he had.

You both laughed when you looked at each other, covering your mouths as to muffle out the sound so nobody would wake up. When you both quiet down, he cupped your face in his hand, staring at you for a few seconds before connecting your lips together. Your lips moved in sync, almost as if they were puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. You placed your hand on top of his, interlocking your fingers and placing your other hand behind his neck to bring him in closer. His other hand found its way to your hip, pulling you in closer so both of your chests were pressed up against one another. Your hand moved up to run your fingers through his hair, causing a smile to spread across his lips. A smile spread across your lips as well, causing you both to pull away a smiling mess as your foreheads were pressed against together.

A grunt was soon heard over from the other side of the room, causing you both to become wide eyed as you looked towards the sound. Soon, a tired Jiung was heard. “We get it, you love each other. Please, go to bed already.”

You both apologized to the poor boy, your cheeks heating up in embarrassment. But in this moment, both of you had never been happier. You sinked into the mattress, feeling your eyes getting heavy yet again. Keeho slipped his hand into yours under the blanket again, kissing your temple before placing his head on top of yours as it rested on your shoulder once again. Eventually, he felt your breathes become calm and consistent, signaling you had finally fallen asleep.

“I love you too.” he whispered as he continued to watch the show playing in front of you both, taking a mental note which episode it was so you both can rewatch it in the morning.