#and I've been on the new meds for about a week now so. hopefully they start having a noticeable effect soon adjgksh

[byanyan]

maaaan, you know shit's fucked when I'm not even shitposting or sharing headcanons lmao...

[serahlink]

🚨 EMERGENCY COMMISSIONS OPEN🚨 tw // homeless / some med talk but not much

Reblogs are greatly appreciated!!

Making a new post to hopefully get some work for my family and I so we have somewhere to stay for tonight, since work has been very slow lately. I'm Link, and I'm a 22-year old artist, and my family and I (me + my father and younger sibling) have been homeless since November 2021. It's a long story. TL;DR version is at the same time, while I was living with a friend and my dad + younger sibling was on the road (he drove a van at the time) he had gotten into a diabetic coma and was fired by his job. Being fired meant he or my sibling didn't exactly have a home to go back to, as our relatives on both sides refused to help. At the same time, I was going to have to find someplace else since my friends grandmother was entering the late stages of her life and they had to transfer her to the nursery, meaning there was a lot of things his family had to take care of and I couldn't be there. They allowed my father, sibling and I to stay there for two weeks to give us time to find someplace else.

While I was there, I'd been doing commissions to help their family out with food, and since it was either the streets or living under a roof; I told my friend to take us to a nearby motel since we had enough for a day, and we could figure things out from there. So since then, I've been keeping us here by doing commissions ever since. Either of us haven't been able to obtain a job yet due to how hard it is for us to get our documents to get an id (we dont have a car at the moment, and saving money for the room and food is already tough as is), but recently we think we might be able to get my father's ID so he can work, were waiting on his lung condition to recover fully and get money saved up for the documents and all that before we apply to get them. So hope isn't fully lost for us, we just need to take care of some things for a while longer until then.

Recently, things have gotten worse again. We were paying weekly thanks to the help from my followers and commissions I was getting, but when we weren't able to pay for another, we went back to paying daily again. And immediately we were set back. For the past few days, we haven't been able to pay for one let alone food. We were able to pay most of it to at least stay here, thanks to the kindness of the staff, but they called us earlier to tell us if we couldn't pay everything tonight, then we'd have to leave. We owe 120 by 11pm tonight, and I thought maybe making a new post might help us since posting on my other socials hasn't done much for us lately.

My commissions are open, and if you're interested in helping us out via a commission you can contact me through my Tumblr dms since it's the easiest way to get to me. But if you can't help financially, which I totally understand, I know the economy is tough on all of us right now, please don't feel bad or anything. Reblogs also help us a ton, and it always means a lot to us.

For the commission info itself, I have it all packed into this link right here, along with examples of my art and prices. I draw mainly fantasy pertaining to the Dragon Age Series and although I know little to nothing about Baulders Gate, I have done some art of tavs before! I also do DnD work as well, so I'm used to drawing pretty unique characters. I'll also put some examples I have below. If you want something outside of that, I'm sure I can provide, just let me know upon your request! And I think that's all. Much love to you and thank you for reading, I hope you have a wonderful day/night :)

[thisnightissparkling089]

Update on my lungs under the cut. People should only have to be subjected to this health update if they want to, mainly because it's a lot😅

I had a second opinion appointment 2 weeks ago in the (what feels like) never ending quest to figure out what the hell is happening with my lungs and if this can be fixed.

My first pulmonologist wanted to do a lung biopsy. Which is a major surgery and a lengthy recovery, not to mention incredibly expensive.

I just heard back from my new dr, and he has finally reviewed the scans and feels the next steps should be a bronchoscopy and a bronchoalveolar lavage.

The bronchoscopy is a procedure where a thin lighted tube is placed down my throat and into my lungs to get a better view of my lungs and what is happening with them.

The lavage procedure releases saline into my lungs, suctions it back out, and that sample is then sent out to be tested.

Both should be able to done in the same procedure, under light anesthesia.

I continue to hope that whatever this is is something that can be reversed or at the very least better controlled.

The main issues I have is that it's hard to properly take a deep breath without pain. Like you just sucked down a slurpee, and your chest feels ice cold. That and the fact that my oxygen levels will drop doing basic things. I could take a bath and between getting out of the tub and getting dressed, my oxygen levels could drop into the 80's, sometimes even into the 70's.

The procedures will be scheduled for sometime in the coming weeks, hopefully early to mid May.

He asked if I had any questions, and the one I do have that no one can seem to give me a straight answer on is if I will die. Because any time I google something, it's like, you have 3-5 years to live, congratulations! 🙄

He of course couldn't give a definitive answer, but did his best to try and reassure me that he doesnt really think death is iminate from this within the next 5 years and he's hopeful we can either fix or better control this. But until we get a full view of the lungs, it's hard to know exactly what's happening.

It occurred to me on Saturday that I've actually been depressed for weeks now and just couldn't see it because it's presenting a lot differently now than it previously has.

Typically when I'm depressed I can't even get out of bed. I can't eat, I sleep all the time, I feel empty, I cry.

This time around it's so different. I feel like I'm overeating, I can get up, go out with friends, work fine. But I'm also struggling to fall asleep and stay asleep and such little tasks such as cooking, cleaning, laundry, washing my hair, etc. Feel so overwhelming I can't even think about them.

I was able to get an appointment this morning with my primary doctor and got back on my medication. I'd previously been off it for 2 years and was doing well, but this whole lung issue has thrown me for a loop, especially since it's lasted as long as it has.

I know there is no shame in seeking help and getting back on my meds. I also know that it doesn't mean I'll have to be on them for the rest of my life.

Right now I'm just taking everything day by day and am so grateful to be surrounded by such supportive people and have a space where I can vent.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading and listening💜

[strugglinguist]

I've had a realization, and I need to share it before I forget it. We need some context first, though.

My therapist and I talked at length about how to navigate the start of the new semester in the best way possible for me in terms of the change in routine, sensory issues, mobility needs, etc. She wanted me try to be proactive rather than reactive to the situations that arise. (She's a very good therapist.)

Sorry this is a long one. Click for more I guess...

For example, I have a heart condition called Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia (IST). Along with what I like to think of as a medical license to be inappropriate at any time, it means that my heart will race for no reason. Sometimes it's postural like POTS, so I can stand up too fast... but I can also just... feel like I'm sprinting when I'm sitting very calmly. Imagine you sprinted on and off all day. You'd be exhausted at the end of the day, too! With meds now, it's a lot better than it was... so it's more like... I'm jogging throughout the day? The analogy has gotten away from me. 🤷‍♀️

Whenever my heart races, I get really hot and break out in sweat from everywhere. This would just be annoying, but I am REALLY REALLY heat-sensitive. It is one of the top 3 ways I will go into an Autistic meltdown. So my heart races, I get hot and sweaty, and then I can't focus on anything else. It doesn't take long for the situation to get out of hand. I know this, so I have a little desk fan I take with me to classes if I need moving air. This is when my therapist BLEW MY MIND! (She really is a very good therapist.)

She told me that the accommodations I had allowed for myself (sitting while teaching and a fan if I need it) would not avoid a meltdown because they are things you do to maintain equilibrium... if I'm already overstimulation, I don't need maintenance. I need to shock my nervous system back into maintenance. She said, "When you're overstimulated like that, you don't need a fan. You need ice." And like... yes duh! So I got one of those face rollers people use for their skin routine, and it was my "shock" to take with me. And it works AMAZINGLY. Seriously. Life changed.

After all of our prep, this week was a true gauntlet of a test. What was supposed to be a one day adventure of helping the roommate buy a car turned into a 7 day marathon of phone calls, discoveries, learning way too much about the state of car insurance in this country, and then finally getting everything in order for the DMV to close for a holiday weekend. It was also the first week of classes, so I was returning to my job that very loudly rejected me this summer. It's hopefully my last year in academia, so I'm feeling every emotion. Oh and my dad was in the hospital for an amputation. Basically... it was ripe for meltdowns basically every day. And let me tell you... not a one. This summer I've been having a meltdown about once a week. I can't... this therapist deserves all of the money.

Now for my realization! (Remember that was where we started?) I realized that in the past when I knew I was overstimulated and couldn't promptly exit the situation, I would try to dissociate and go to a happy cold place. Somehow, I had subconsciously bought into the idea that Autistic sensory needs are mental needs... and they are quite literally physical, nervous system needs. And when you treat them as such, and don't try to "just push through" the very real physical situation you are in that you are sensitive to... life gets exponentially better. Seriously. My life is so much better. I just needed to share. 😊

[soullikethesea]

You know those weeks where lots of stuff happens? The ones after which you go to therapy and have a list of like 10 things?

Well, it's one of those weeks. Depression friend said that maybe we shouldn't be friends for a while, since she's so unwell. I didn't expect it to hurt so much, but it still does. Very sad. :( I said we can try out the things we came up with and then reflect, but she really didn't seem too sure about that. It might be unrealistic. And it's true that I can't continue the way we had been going either.

And it also seems like I may quit job 2 in the foreseeable future. The company is very focused on making money, while also having worsening working conditions over time. It's sad. I have been working there for quite some years, so it will be super strange to quit. I hope I can manage the process in a good way, not storm out in anger like I've felt the urge to do.

In job 1, they asked me to do some new tasks this week. I'm kind of excited about that and also bewildered that they asked me. Probably I was just on their minds, something like that. Hopefully I can make a good impression and maybe could be involved in such things more often. It gives some different experience that I haven't had before.

Well, and of course seeing the hapto guy. That's new too. I haven't seen him again, but I did notice that I thought about the session quite a bit. Like the thing about feeling "selfish" (I did end up going to the event, btw) and also just... daring to have the difficult conversation.

There's also some part that keeps saying "Ik wil niet meer", which is kind of like "I want to go home" or "I can't anymore". I really need some rest, but almost nothing seems to feel restorative. Or, maybe it's just hard to get myself to do the things that would normally feel restorative.

Anyway. Going to take a med now to sleep and hope I don't get a cold.

[escapistfantasymanual]

so this fall, I got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds (whooo!!). the biggest benefit to having a diagnosis is a shift in perception. I've always been self-critical; now, I find I'm better able to give myself grace and the room to try new things.

might do a post later listing some of the life changes I've made in the last few months and rating how effective (or ineffective) they've been, BUT what I'm interested in right now is tracking my efforts to get an organization system in place, primarily for papers/files, of which I have a LOT.

this is all going to amount to mostly talking aloud, but oh, well. this is a thing I'm doing for me - if you're reading this, welcome, glad to have you along for the ride!

body of this post is below the read-more.

so, this is what I've got going as of December 22, 2023. I'm about a week into this project.

bold and italicized = a collection/group of papers n' stuff

BOLD AND ALL CAPS = a category in my overall system

semi-comprehensively, clockwise from the top-ish right: the brown paper bag is for tossing recyclable material into. stuff that needs to be shredded goes in a different location, out-of-frame. metal file box with a handle to the right and slightly behind is for IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS (medical/insurance, financial, car stuff, career, and education). papers in front of it will go inside once I review 'em.

moving down to the bottom right: the pile with a red legal-size folder and pink album is PERSONAL ARCHIVE stuff, specifically the bulkier objects. white papers in front of the file bin are stuff I need to take action on before filing away, probably in the IMPORTANT DOCUMENTS metal file box. the big clear file bin is for PERSONAL ARCHIVE materials, and is waiting to be filled. the medium clear bin and green metal box contain extra office SUPPLIES, to be consolidated and whittled down a bit.

(some stuff on the bed, not going to worry about that right now)

the gray archival box (a gift from a former internship supervisor!) is for PERSONAL ARCHIVE stuff, mainly photos and newspaper clippings. those are in front of it, along with papers to archive.

above that, we've got a mini-binder on top of extra folders and notebooks I'll most likely keep on hand somewhere as SUPPLIES. then the small clear bin and stack of notebooks above, to the left of the yellow file tower, are a bit tricky. they're creative notebooks I've kept over the years - most filled, some partially. I want to eventually invest in a quality archival box for them, preferably fire- and waterproof. I'd love to have them in a place where I can quickly flip through them, but as it stands, I don't dig into them very often. they can probably be kept in a STORAGE area. (another alternative is to digitize them. it'd be too much work, I think - something to consider later. for sure there are additional notebooks in a shoe box outside the frame of this picture that I want to transcribe.)

and then there's a blue hanging folder with papers that eventually need to go into one of two binders that are in the OUTPUT & QUICK REFERENCE part of my overall system, which I'll discuss later. (sometimes you know you just don't have the brain-space yet to start filing/discarding a set of papers. for me, success at this stage of the project is just grouping like things. I know where 'xyz set of papers' is. I know where it'll eventually go. I can come back to it in multiple passes when I have the capacity, and I can task-switch to another group if I get bored or tired.) the rest in this picture - the bookshelf, the bench - is also stuff to worry about later.

(edit: oh also the brown recipe card box, it's got letters and photographs to archive or get rid of)

that's the current status. more to come about what's next, the thought processes/~emotional journey~, and hopefully the end results.

[scottysketches]

wip wednesday

been a month since I posted any form of wip progress. I don't really have anything new - this time of year is always really bad for me, my motivation and desire to do anything creative tanks thanks seasonal depression you're a real one - not to mention that xmas eve was also the ten year anniversary of my nan's passing. It's just been a really weird month.

But! I've started sleeping better, I'm going to start going back to the gym (want to shed a load of weight before my cousin's wedding in August), and actually taking some time off from writing Don't Dream It's Over has helped me with blocking out the remaining chapters.

There have also been some developments with regards to how my Satine Lives AU will continue once DDIO is completed:

I've worked a little more on talk me down, my Korkie/Amis side story

I've started writing notes and drafting ideas for a Korkie-centric story, set between the end of DDIO and A New Hope (so will actually cover the nineteen-odd years that the Kryze-Kenobi clan are in hiding after the downfall of the Republic)

I completed Jedi: Survivor! And I loved every second of it! The combat is incredible, the maps are beautiful, the ability to customise Cal's appearance is very well done! I've actually got a story in the works where Cal, Merrin and Greez run into Korkie on Ryloth (no working title as of yet, it's saved on my computer under the name 'twin sons' - yes, playing on the idea that Cal also looks like he could be Obi-Wan's kid lol)

In case folks were unaware, after I published the first chapter of DDIO I ended up creating a series for it on AO3 because I knew I was going to end up writing loads more set within this AU. It's titled (rather appropriately) The One Where Obi-Wan Gets a Happy(ish) Ending. For now, DDIO is the only story in it, but the other stories that are in the series description are meet you there, talk me down, tear me to pieces and afterglow:

meet you there: Ahsoka Tano & Korkie Kryze, in progress - set immediately after Ahsoka leaves the Jedi at the end of S5 Ep20, "The Wrong Jedi" [excerpt here]

talk me down: Korkie Kryze/Amis, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze, in progress - follows Amis from the age of ten to the Night of a Thousand Tears as he comes to terms with his sexuality, meeting Korkie and falling for his best friend [excerpt here]

tear me to pieces: Korkie Kryze/Amis, in progress - set in the immediate aftermath of the Night of a Thousand Tears

afterglow: Ahsoka Tano & Korkie Kryze, Korkie Kryze/Amis, Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze (mentioned), in progress - set during the galaxy-wide celebrations after the downfall of the Empire. Ahsoka is reunited with an old friend and his family on Naboo

---

Aside from all this Star Wars stuff, I've also gotten into some new stuff - I'm really enjoying the Percy Jackson show, criticisms about some changes from the source material aside; I've been playing The Sims 4 again after not touching it from around the time the latest expansion pack, For Rent, was released; and I've spent the last few weeks binging the few seasons of Chicago Med, Chicago P.D. and Chicago Fire that are available on Now TV here in the UK.

Anyway, now that my seasonal depression seems to hopefully be settling down to hibernate until the end of November, I'm going to try and set some time aside to work on DDIO and try to get chapter 4 out before the end of January.

Cheers, folks, Scotty :)

[the-cat-and-the-birdie]

I'm so sorry I've been MIA!!! for like what - 4 days ????? (time blindness be hitting)

I hit autistic burnout REALLY REALLY hard earlier this week plus I was taking my ADHD meds wrong PLUS with the strike staying in is driving me up the wall like Jessica Drew

So I spent like four days straight throwing myself into new Spidersonas and making art and daydreaming about them cause it genuinely calms me down and let's my mind idle

So now I have like 3 new full Spidersonas and a bunch of art and also a lil anxiety and also some asks and writing I REALLY Need to finish

But yeah if you're waiting for that I promise I don't hate you or anything lol I just have the processing speed of one of these with a virus called Demand Avoidance

PLUS I'M REALLY HOBIE DEPRIVED like sorry Miguel I'm back to Hobie so until my brain syncs with Hobies frequency again imma be going feral about my punk baby boy

I'm gonna be posting some of my new Sonas soon so uhhhh haha yeah if you don't wanna see that.... That's what I got

One OC which I'm REALLY excited for (and so is Hobie)

So hopefully I'll be back to being a functioning person human thing (or whatever my default state is) by today or tomorrow

BUT I'M SORRY SO SORRY ILL BE BACK

[corrupt1nk]

Insomnia is a bitch just let me rest

The other day I was talking to my friend about how I haven't been able to sleep for the past week. I also was saying how I had developed a tolerance for my most recent sleep med (I used to call it the knockout pill cause it always worked before). Now nothing seems to actually work anymore (I've developed an immunity to melatonin a long time ago I have to take more than the average person for it to do something like I mean a lot).

So, she was like asking me how many methods I've tried up until now. I've had really bad insomnia since I was two mind you (my mother was yelling about it at my father the other day) so I've tried almost everything at this point I'm 19 btw. She suggested I try getting a massage for it but I reminded her I had a fear of touch so she just went like oh right.

I've been told by literally everyone at this point to do sports to wind myself down. I work out every day and have a side gig walking dogs it's not about the exercise. If I do manage to sleep a decent amount (5 hours or sumt) I prolly have really bad nightmares, sleep paralysis or am constantly waking up. Like bruv I'm tired all the time it's not down to me having too much energy. I literally, physically cannot sleep no matter how much I want to. So I tend to get really annoyed at this point when people tell me stuff like that. Trying a new sleep med this week hopefully, it works better.

To sum this shit up insomnia is literally just being unable to sleep like that's it (in my experience at least) and it's incredibly bothersome how that's still something people don't seem to understand. Fun fact I actually just read manga to pass the time at this point when I get bored at night now (I love the summer Hikaru died and boys run the riot). Anyways srry for the rant. Take this doodle of another insomniac. Also I have permanent eye bags so I try to actually draw them when I can.

[myconetted]

a couple months ago i introduced a change in my meds (with consultation from my psych) to lower the dosage of my antidepressants because i felt like i could finally start easing up the neurochemical guardrails

I've been relying on my antidepressants for many years now to cope with my anxiety. I finally feel like I'm in a good enough place to start lowering the dose, and that's really important because messing with antidepressants is both very impactful and takes a long time to get right by virtue of the slow feedback loops. I think it's cause they have a long half-life or something, I dunno.

So it's been a couple months since I lowered the dose, and about a week ago I experienced a really sudden change in my mood and in general vibe of my thought space: it feels like a little flow limiter in my head has eased up a little. It's actually fucking incredible. My emotions feel more varied and more intense than before. I'm constantly having new thoughts and ideas that I previously had to put a lot of effort into surfacing.

This is a little bit of a double edged sword because this past week was not very productive: I spent more time capturing ideas than doing things I said I'd do (and wanted to do). I need to put effort into figuring out when to indulge the temptuous pull of having ideas. Previously my strategy was to just drop everything I was doing and focus immediately on the thoughts that were coming to me for fear of losing them and missing out. That's not a problem anymore. The thoughts are just there. And I can actually shelf them for later and they'll remain.

I'm so happy this change is working the way that I thought it would and that I'm actually in a place where it's possible for me to do this. I think I'm going to be writing a lot more original content and get into the practice of writing regularly.

Hopefully there are good poasts to come !

[princessaurorasdiary]

Diary 2/26: life update cause it's been 6 months at least

Hi 👋🏼, It's been a long time, about 6 months about. I'm 23 now

I have a lot of up and downs and haven't felt like writing, and my main creative outlet has been TikTok because to be honest, I feel less alone when I can see that people saw my video, and maybe ever gave it a like or comment

I guess I'll talk a bit about the last 6 months, I work at a craft store now, quit my old horrible job that mistreated me constantly, got COVID soon after quitting the old job, went and saw a medium sized artist I like in concert, second ever concert, her name is Tessa Violet, dragged my bff with me cause we planned it for her to come down and visit me during Spring Break.

I also confessed to my crush, they said they like me too and have just as long as I have but she thought me flirting was pitty compliments cause ADHD runs through both of us lol, it's been moving really slowly cause things keep happening to her, the universe is just slapping her weekly bro.

I don't hate my job at the craft store, but I miss doing a version of my chosen career as a baker/cake decorator, really wish that place wasn't so toxic and that I had a car already.

I'm still trying to get a car, it took me 3 months to get a new job after quitting my old one, the COVID thing was a month of that but also just this job market sucks, origami current job was seasonal, but I have really good numbers on the register and I'm good at the other parts like stalking and sorting and fixing things on the shelfs so I got kept on. I make sure not to give a ADHD 100% anymore, it killed me at my old job and whenever I only had a normal person's 100% they acted like I was failing when I was just doing a normal amount instead of a crazy amount, so I learned not to grind myself to the bone.

I can't remember if I've mentioned this, probably not tho, I go to a weekly crochet club for months now, it's all older ladies and me but it's better than nothing with how I don't really have friends other than my best friend. They care about me and I care about them and it's nice to talk to others once a week.

I kinda ran outta steam for finding friends the last 2 months, I was trying and trying and I'm just tired after months and months or trying 🤷

I think about making a post all the time, but also feel like I'm writing into the void, which has been terrifying me lately, the void that is, long story short, I was stressed AF and couldn't sleep for days the day before Halloween and tried to smoke to fall asleep, but before I'd just taken a hit or two of my brothers sleep type vape, but actually smoked it that night for the first time and instead tripped horribly and it's still affecting me mentally, the memory of the horror that was that night.

Editing a note: I was basically trying to test for a bit if a sleep strain of weed would help with my at the time rampid insomnia since sleep meds either don't work on me or give me bad side effects, but after that night I'm probably never touching it again so ✌🏼

I also am just not feeling great medically, I just got my broken tooth pulled through and did my wisdoms at the same time and already feel better even with the jaw pain, so hopefully some of the not feeling well was because of my teeth, I've been working on trying to finally fix my teeth as well and I think it might actually happen now

Anyways, it's after 3:20am so I'm gonna go lay down even if I don't sleep till 4 cause laying down is better than nothing

[pulpandgristle]

Don't worry, I didn't die

Apologies for the prolonged absence. There's an explanation with some venting below, if you care to look. The long and short of it is that I'm basically restructuring my entire life and also discovered that my brain is broken in a cool new way, but I'm resettling a little now and I hope to be back in the next week or two. Thanks for being patient everyone, I can't wait to write some more.

Also I got a wonderful new avatar courtesy of @rookshocksshack, go give them some love and/or money!

I've been very busy. And tired. And . . . devastated.

Saying that feels inadequate; I've been trying to think of a better way to explain my disappearance besides "I feel awful and empty" for weeks now, but I don't know of any other way to communicate it. I wish I could give a more "justifiable" reason than that, but I know that's just a mean impulse from the particularly nasty corners of my brain. Hopefully writing this will be therapeutic in some way.

The truth is that I've been under immense pressure for a really long time and I am only recently starting to reduce some of that. In the past two months I've:

Lost my authorization for my ADHD meds, gotten them refilled wrong, lost them again, then gotten them back only to discover that my insurance now charges $100 a month for them with coverage,

Ended a friendship that lasted about nine years with someone I previously trusted like family but no longer do at all,

Discovered that I have severe unmedicated OCD,

Lost $1,300 a month of income because one of my roommates vacated our apartment before the lease was up, and

Helped one of my best friends through her losing her therapist, starting to overcome an addiction and undergoing multiple simultaneous medication changes

In my infinite wisdom I figured that would be the best time to dramatically increase my own workload and formalize my online presence on a platform I'd never used before.

I've been thinking a lot about how to continue with my art, and I want to make sure I create what I want in a way that's sustainable while I go about addressing real-life problems. My workflow has always been erratic and uncooperative. It drives me utterly insane.

I am a slave to what I call the "nested parentheses" problem: I have an internal queue of projects in my brain, each at varying stages of completion, that I intend to finish in a specific order. But whenever I lose momentum I jump to another project and extend the queue another step, producing an infinitely descending spiral of abandoned projects that must now be completed in reverse order to avoid . . . something bad. Probably nothing at all, but good luck convincing me otherwise. I could literally write any of them at any time.

Did you know I only got diagnosed with ADHD and OCD at 26? Wild stuff.

I should point out that I'm doing fine, all things considered. I have a support network and all that. It's just very frustrating to realize that I have been overworked and crushed so thoroughly, and it's been quite difficult to accept that things I previously accepted as normal were, in fact, bad for me. I think I need a period to acclimate to not running on fumes for, like, two consecutive years. Ugh.

Anyway, I'm hoping to be back soon, either with more flash fiction or more offsite work. I have multiple commissions in the pipeline for SCP stuff, independent projects and more, and I am very excited to share them with you.

From the river to the sea, solidarity forever, goodnight.

[elminx]

Thoughts on my practice, August 2023

Note: As you might imagine, this will not be a full accounting of my practice as there are things that I cannot share for any number of reasons including but not limited to: you wouldn't understand, it's not mine to share, and it's ongoing magic.

I have been slowly coming out of magical hibernation as I get farther away from taking the awful meds (awful FOR ME) that made me so depressed that I was struggling to live, let alone do magic. There was a reckoning that had to be done. Everything was a mess - my altars, my relationships with my spirits, and the cobwebs inside my mind and spirit.

It was about this time last August that they upped my meds and as the months wore on into winter, my practice became virtually untenable. I have to forgive myself for that: both for agreeing to take meds that I knew from experience might be Bad, for continuing to take them as long as I did, and for falling off of my practice. I'm...working on it.

June and July were about playing clean up and catching up.

I had been doing a lot of work around my mindset and changing the way that I notice and experience the world. Though this is strictly "magic" in the sense that I don't normally cast spells toward this goal, it is unquestionably a part of my practice and my current path as a witch. So this month, feeling like I have the bones of my practice righted, I returned to this work.

Our month began with a full moon in Aquarius on the 1st. My intention for the month is: No matter how my day goes, I return to my heart. I tried to solidify this intention by focusing on my gratitude practice for the first eight days of the month - each day I came up with eight unique things that I was grateful for which I recorded in my witch journal. This is a reminder for me to look for the good things in life rather than focusing on the bad.

This is important for me because I have an anxiety disorder and tend to catastrophize - returning to my heart and being present with my body is my best method of alleviation. I was especially worried about this Venus retrograde which squared off with my Sun, Ascendant,y Mercury, and Chiron. Leo season is often a bit of a struggle for me since it activates so much of my chart (and I'm not fond of the summer heat either).

It happened that coincidentally on the 9th day of the month, my partner and I got into the car for the long trek north to visit his Grandmother. This was very path-affirming for me as, on our way, we got to stop and walk on the beach we used to stay at for all of my childhood. I'm deeply in love with the Atlantic Ocean (she is my deepest and truest love) and it was wonderful to return to the place where this affair began so many years ago. We spent the week wandering back and forth from Nana's house in the mountain to varying parts of the coast and it was wonderful and unquestionably heart healing.

Now, back home, I have had a week to return to my craft in earnest. I did some cat magic under the energy of the Leo new moon and then set to work on the harvest. It is August after all!

As a kitchen witch who likes to can and preserve food for the winter months ahead, August is go time. So far I've made and frozen tomato soup and tomato confit, and we've dried a bunch of onion, herbs, and hot peppers. Next on the docket is some salsa verde and then hopefully another batch of tomato soup and some red salsa as well. If I'm extra lucky with tomatoes from the farm, I'll end up with some marinara sauce as well because we really enjoyed ours last year.

This week begins my regularly scheduled work with Mercury Chthonia during their retrograde cycle and I'm actually pretty excited about this. The deeper that I get into self-exploration and shadow work, the more that I have learned to enjoy the deep slowdown of retrograde season. I have a bunch of half-written blog posts to edit, so this seems very Right On Time to me.

My other plan for this week is to clean off and rearrange my Earth Altar (see also: plant stand). The seasons are starting to change rapidly here and I am so ready for many Autumnal harvests. I might do a bit of work with my bestie goldenrod but otherwise, I intend to take it easy and, as I said, return to my heart with every opportunity.

[blueywrites]

hey bluey!

i hope you’re well and enjoyed your writing break 🫶

not to pressure at all, just wondered if you were starting to write soon? i love your work!

Hey babe, I did enjoy my June break, thanks! 💙

I am kinda back and kinda writing again, and I only say kinda because I was expecting to come back July 1st refreshed, energized, and fully in writing mode... come to find out first week of July that I've been feeling kinda tired lately because I'm actually pregnant lol. So I had to stop taking my ADHD meds immediately, then I went to Europe for a week, and then when I came back it's to a routine of no dopamine brain + body cooking up an Eggo, and all of that has been really kicking my ass.

Good news is that I'm at 10 weeks now, so hopefully in another two weeks the nausea and fatigue get a little better. Then maybe I won't just wake up, put in contacts, brush my teeth, and immediately get tired again haha!

But yeah, my writing pace is gonna be pretty slow for the immediate future I think. I haven't forgotten about my stories, but I have to take it day by day, and I'm trying to view myself with grace since I am functioning (understandably, I think) at a much lower level than I was before.

[factorialsfandoms]

ack it sounds like you had a crazy day 🥴

Honestly? Yesterday wasn't so bad in the scheme of the last... month? two months? Honestly bar 'I don't have the help I need' problem it was fine up until a time which was technically today when housemate handed me my post. It just keeps going.

I'm just really hoping I do actually go for my night away at the end of the month, because I extremely need the break.

Below follows a rant.

In the post was a letter from the hospital which /sounded/ like a discharge letter. I have not had the test the doctor wanted done yet, only a different test I'd previously had done but was told I had to redo to be allowed the new one as it'd been a year. The pre-test test picked up a /different/ thing to what I was seeing him about and he seems to have assumed that was the entire problem. I know its different - I have two unique symptom sets one of which is multiple times a day which is annoying but livable (the one which happened while I had the monitor) and one of which barely happens but had a friend who saw me 2 hours after offering to take me to the hospital. -_- First point is ring the GP (I think you call them family doctors) as the specialist said he wanted the GP to give me meds anyway but the ones the specialist listed interact with my other meds so I need to talk about it, and at that appointment ask if the GP knows what's going on, and hopefully prompt /them/ to bug the specialist about what's going on. Because what I was told at the appointment and what is in the letter are two completely different and contradictory things and I just hope /someone/ knows what is going on.

This of course does not account for the fact I've been struggling for the last week because of carer shenanigans. Its 10 days without because COVID periods. I'm on day... 7? Now

Two weeks ago tomorrow the piping fell out the sink and ended up with half an inch of hot water on the floor.

There's a mystery new wet spot in the hallway floor in the middle with no other indication of damage. Landlady keeps saying apply the ddehumidifier. We keep doing that. It's just getting worse. It is almost certainly a burst pipe or something in the foundations. She is ignoring us and just telling us to dehumidifier. This has been happening for over a year with another patch around a corner and against a wall.

Honestly can't remember what else. But I know before the pipe something else was wrong, the pipe just outshone it, and there are other things too.

There's about 8 other things which can best be described as 'the health service is chronically underfunded and understaffed thanks to the government both refusing to give it the money it needs and also being xenophobic and putting the minimum income for immigrants to get a visa - or even for a local citizen to have their spouse enter the country - above the pay or every nurse and almost all doctors and this means more people are more rushed', especially with covid wrecking people's health and suddenly loads more cardiac and neurology patients from the long term damage'. A problem only exasperated by COVID.

Add in that they changed the system so I can't book my injections in advance and so I miss them because the first symptom I get when I start running low is an inability to remember things or comprehend dates and I'm having fun! The potential complications from not getting it on time, with a buffer of only about a week as I'm a particularly bad case, only include heart attacks and brain damage but I'm already disabled and can't work so its fine, right? (sarcasm. so so much sarcasm here) (my carers are /trying/ to keep on top of it, but it isn't really working)

[mayalaen]

I hope the new year is treating you well and i was curious if you had an update on how the CON verse is going? I do enjoy your posts where you talk about experiences writing as a writer myself it’s always nice to hear how others are doing.

Hiiiii!

There's not much of an update because I haven't finished anything, but here goes.

The long version (short version at the bottom) is I'm in the middle of selling my shops (the pan/demic interrupted that and it's been on hold until now) and it's taking a lot of time and mental energy.

I've also been dealing with a hormone issue due to long-term use of heavy psych meds causing early perimenopause/menopause which messed with my schiz and together formed an awful megabeast 😫

After posting Part 3, I was stuck in CON 'verse and frustrated with it. A friend was helping me with it along with a couple other friends who were cheering me on and helping with plot holes and Sam characterization, etc. but I needed some time away from it to tackle it again.

My hormone issue is settling (as well as it can be for now) and as an awesome side effect of the treatment for it, my hallucinations are gone! 😲

I'm cautiously excited about this because I'm worried it's going to come back -- nothing has ever worked long-term for my schiz, but nothing else has completely stopped my hallucinations before either so YAY!!

Anyway, I've spent enough time not working on CON 'verse that my head is clearer and it's not a jumbled mess. I can start fresh and do the re-write on the first three parts and continue from there.

In the meantime I've had new ideas, and I'm now up to 30 parts total (only 3 parts posted so far) that are either summarized, partially written, mostly written, or finished and need a beta.

I still have to deal with the shop, which takes up A LOT of time and mental energy. I work 70-100 hours a week on it.

I'm also taking care of my parents and my aunt, and that's very tiring, but the shop is the main problem now. Once the shop is sold, I have SO many plans!

Short version is that life and mental issues got in the way but are clearing up (hopefully a bunch if I can get this stupid shop sold soon) and I'm excited to work on CON 'verse again with a less jumbled head.

Thank you for asking! It's great to know there are readers ready when I do get more posted!