#and also realizing that the happy songs don’t fit them anymore because they’re no longer friends

[calsvoid]

so i’ve made it clear in the past that i think 1989 is seblaine’s album, but also, part of that is because it has sad breakup songs that match their story and like ignoring the fact 1989 came out in 2014, i’m just thinking about them transitioning from saying “it’s our album except the sad songs those don’t match us” to realizing that yeah the sad songs do match them now

[sortasirius]

“Inherit the Earth” and the Fakeout

Absolutely genius.  Amazing, iconic, legendary, something only our showrunner Andrew Dabb can pull off.

"But Lilly, the episode was so bad!  It was just the brothers, they didn’t look for Cas and Eileen!”

YES.  THAT IS EXACTLY THE POINT.  THIS WAS A FAKE ENDING, THE END OF THE SEASON, NOT OF THE SERIES.

Let’s get into it.

An empty world.  No one left but Sam, Dean, and Jack.

So Dean ran, he somehow managed to pick himself up off the floor of the dungeon and meet up with Sam and Jack.  That jacket was this silent reminder.  Remember what I’ve been saying, Cas has occupied the negative space all season, this is no exception.

Dean can’t look either of them in the face, he’s doing that thing, where his eyes move everywhere BUT where he should look. 

“I couldn’t save anybody.”

Sam couldn’t save the world and Dean couldn’t save the one person that means the world to him.

“Where’s Cas?”

“Dean?”

I think it’s there, in that pause where Dean tries to push down the emotions, continue the fight, not think about the memories he left in the bunker, that Jack realizes what must have happened. Jack is the only one that knows about the deal, he has to know what Cas not being there must mean.

“He saved me.  Billie was coming after us.  Cas summoned the Empty.  It took her...and took him.  Cas is gone.”

This may shock you, but I am GLAD they didn’t talk about Cas, especially with what happens at the end of the episode.  Cas is allowed to just take up unsaid space.  It’s obvious he’s missing with the way they blocked things, obvious he’s missing here.  This whole “oh well they don’t care about Cas because they didn’t talk about him”?  Malarkey.

“Jack I’m sorry.”

Guilt.  Regret.  Pain.  Dean will carry this with him for the rest of his life.  Not only that he lost Cas, but that Sam lost Cas, that Jack lost Cas.

That SHOT, with the distance between Jack and Sam where Cas is SUPPOSED TO BE, and then a zoom out to...THE WORLD.

Okay, as usual, Bucklemming has the subtlety of a sledgehammer lmao.

Jack crying???  Praying to Cas????  Bruh?????

Also it’s just straight-up frightening for everything around my boy to die he is my baby son.

Also not to point out the incredibly obvious, but Dean starts drinking immediately, and continues drinking throughout the whole episode.  Grief arc 2.0 babey.

“We can what, Dean?  There’s no one left to save!  Everybody’s gone!”

“You can’t just give up.”

“What other choice do we have!”

Idk why, but for Sam, who’s the constant, the one who’s always had hope, through everything, through all these years, when he finally says this, when he finally loses his hope?  It hits the hardest.  Sam is the leader, so not only is he grieving the loss of Eileen, he is a general grieving the loss of his soldiers, his friends, the world that he feels the duty to save.

When they go to meet Chuck, I just can’t get that image of Dean, leaning against the car, handprint still on his jacket, staring at the ground out of my head.  It takes him a few seconds to catch up to Sam, like he’s pulled out of thoughts like deep dark water.  Remember friends, it doesn’t have to be loud to be powerful.

Chuck wearing BLACK?  FEAR.

“That’s right, the whole Cain and Abel thing.  Us dead, whatever.  I’ll kill Sam, Sam’ll kill me, we’ll kill each other.  Okay, you pick.  But first?  You gotta put everything back the way it was.  The people, the birds...Cas.  You gotta bring him back.”

Willing to kill his brother.  Willing to die.  Tears in his eyes, begging God to bring Cas back.

And Chuck?  Chuck doesn’t care about their surrender, he knows he’s already got them beaten.  He cares about their pain, he cares about them suffering, because to him?  That’s the entertainment.  He’s not entertained by their found family, by their happiness, by their joy.  He wants them to suffer, all of them.

“Eternal shame.  Suffering.  And loneliness.”

And he leaves them with just that.  No hope, no family, just the three of them, broken, alone.  Jack locked in his bedroom, Sam trying desperately to make life “normal” again.  And Dean.  Dean who drank so much he passed out on the floor.

He doesn’t feel terrific, he feels like shit, because not only is he dealing with the shame of an empty planet, he’s dealing with the guilt of being back in the place where the Empty took Cas.

This whole thing with the dog was just absolutely heartwrenching shit and if I didn’t hate Chuck before, him snapping Miracle right in front of an already fragile Dean would seal that deal.

I just want everyone to know that this is a Jake Abel stan account.

“Daddy’s boy” is a big insult for my boy Dean to use considering his own past with his trash abusive father but I’ll allow it.

I do think it’s interesting, ending of his arc aside, that Michael is willing to help them now.  What changed?  Sure, he ended up trying to help Chuck, running back to his father, but why get back in the game?  I wonder if it has anything to do with the loss of Adam.  It’s an interesting parallel, a man loses his angel while an angel loses his human.

Everything is so DARK in the Bunker now too, even the lighting is loud.

When I tell you I lost my shit when I saw Cas was calling Dean, when I heard Misha’s voice??  I knew it didn’t make any sense but I didn’t care, I would’ve been one step behind Dean as he sprinted towards the door.

Fuck you, Eugenie.

I mean it’s torture not only to Dean, who looks beyond fucking crushed when it’s damn Lucifer at the door, but for us too.  Who the FUCK wanted Lucifer back?  And to tease Cas???  Garbage.

I mean...fam.  Listen, we know who’s writing this episode, this whole Betty thing is just like blatantly unnecessary but again, Eugenie loves Lucifer, gotta distract her with a shiny toy lmao.

It was cool to see Michael and Lucifer onscreen together.  It was a cool dynamic that we rarely got to see.

The whole episode is just twist after twist.  Listen, it’s their last episode so I guess they needed to fit in a season worth of twists in one episode.

Bye Lucifer.  We know Eugenie can’t bring him back.  Blessings to all.

This scene with Adam is the FOURTH scene where Dean is drinking...big yikes to my guy’s liver.

Here’s the thing about Michael.  He’s a mirror for Dean in season 5.  Loyal to an absent father.  He has never changed, but Dean has.  Dean is able to acknowledge now, the trauma that his father put him through, he was able to move past the need for pleasing him at any cost.  Michael and Chuck?  Are John and Dean, if Dean had never been allowed to grow.  And Chuck proves, like John did, that he would always put his wants (in John’s case “the mission”) over his children.

Also not to beat a dead horse but Michael’s death was also peak Eugenie.

Sam getting to punch Chuck in the face?  Thank you, he deserves that.

Obviously I don’t love any scene of my boys getting brutally beaten.  But what I love, what I will always love about them, is what Chuck hates about them:  they won’t ever give up.  They know they won’t win against him, they don’t even land any hits, but that’s not what matters.  What matters is their controller doesn’t control them anymore, that they really are free.  No matter how hard they get hit, the get back up.  It is their choice to stand up to him, no matter the cost.

The moment where Sam and Dean are supporting each other, covered in blood, and they look God in the face, and they laugh.  That is why I will love them unconditionally for the rest of my life.  That is who they are, they will never cow to the villain, whether that’s Azazel or Alastair or Zachariah or Lucifer or Amara or Death or Metatron or Cain or God.  They will always choose to stand up.

“Why are you smiling?”

“Because.  You lose.”

Chills.  What a line.

And Chuck is left, small, human, no longer a villain, no longer anything.

Gotta be real, woulda been nice to, idk, not see all this essential plot in a flashback, but I know I can only ask so much of Bucklemming.

For Dean to walk away from killing Chuck, right after he’s called him “the ultimate killer” is quite simply the most beautifully heartwrenching thing I could ever ask for.  Because that’s who Dean was under Chuck, that’s who Chuck wanted him to be.

And he would have before:

But he’s heard some things since then, heard some things about how others see him.  Not as the killer, not as a monster, not as angry and broken or his daddy’s blunt instrument:

I’m not saying that Dean doesn’t kill Chuck for Cas.  He doesn’t kill Chuck because he doesn’t think he has to anymore, he doesn’t kill Chuck because he listened to Cas, he took Cas’ words to heart.  He made the choice not to be the killer.

“See that’s not who I am, that’s not who we are.”

And Chuck is angry, because he thought, after everything, even after losing, that he would still know Dean well enough to know that he would kill him.  But Chuck has never really known Dean, he has never understood where he’s really come from.  Cas understood, Sam and Jack understand, but Chuck never did, and writing off Dean as angry and broken is his biggest mistake, because that’s never been Dean.

“It’s not his power anymore.”

And it’s not just his physical power, it’s his power over the story, over the boys that’s the real power taken from him.

For Jack to be the one to bring everyone back, for him to be the hero of the story?  That’s poetic right there.  Now, I will say, I don’t think this story ends with him as God, because for him, the child, to take on this burden, it doesn’t make a ton of sense to me for his arc, but we shall see next week.  It felt pretty tied up, but there’s one major loose end: and that’s Jack seeing Cas again.

“Just you and me, going wherever the story takes us.  Just us.”

“Finally free.”

This doesn’t feel triumphant to me, it doesn’t feel like relief.  It feels like they’ve settled, like this is the best they’re going to get, so they might as well make the best of it, at least they have each other.

For Cas and Jack to be carved into the table?  I cry.

And for the montage, very similar to “Swan Song” to be set to “Runnin on Empty”?  Sorry but that’s just too sus to be ignored.

They packaged this episode as an ending, because for many, it might be.  The season’s story, the season about fighting Chuck is over.  So, you might be asking (or, well, screaming, judging by my replies lol), what’s left?  And that’s a good question, Chuck has been defeated, so what is left?  What’s left is what’s really mattered all season: the relationships that have been crafted over the years.  Dean and Sam’s unhappiness at the end of the episode, where “just you and me” sounded more of a grudging acceptance than anything else, is one of the clues that has to be looked at.  Why didn’t Sam find Eileen, why didn’t Jack bring back Cas?  Those two characters specifically are the ones we need to watch out for.  As I’ve said over and over again, peace, contentment, satisfaction, those don’t come from Sam and Dean on the open road together anymore.  They have a family, more of a family than they did when they started hunting together all those years ago, and that family is what holds them together.  They need each other, of course, but each other isn’t enough anymore.  Sam needs Eileen, Dean needs Cas.  That is where they will find their peace.

This episode, as many written by Bucklemming was sloppy, rushed, packed full of shit, and had little gems that we can talk about forever, but that was the end of the season, and next week?  Andrew Dabb brings us home, where Dean and Sam will finally be able to choose what they want for themselves, and that, my friends, is Eileen and Cas.

[lilacandladybugs]

Winnie the Pooh Rendition: In Which The Syndicate Throws Technoblade a Birthday Party

It was a bright and snowy as ever June day, one of those days where nearly everyone is still sleeping, and the summer air is a bit thicker than normal, and the snowflakes still bustle through the air. One of those June days where the polar bears lay around lazily and the song of birds from nearby treetops feels even more gentle than normal. It was one of those types of snowy Junes, the most Junest that anyone had seen, when Philza Minecraft realized it was Technoblade’s birthday.

“Oh dear,” Phil said, standing up from where he had been writing Wilbur a letter, “Today is Technoblade’s birthday, and I haven’t got anything planned.” This simply wouldn’t do. Technoblade would need to have a large birthday to commemorate how Clever and Loyal and Generous he was, as everyone in the Syndicate agreed.

“I must go tell Ranboo right away, and we can make some plans together.” And so Philza gathered up his armor and went out into the snowy June morning to Ranboo’s house, which was just across the lawn.

“Ranboo,” Phil began, “I had nearly forgotten that it is Technoblade’s birthday today, and we must throw him a party as soon as possible.”

“His birthday?” Ranboo said, blinking his large enderman eyes, “a birthday.”

“Yes,” said Phil, “and we need to throw him a party.”

“Well birthday parties are things that shouldn’t be forgotten,” said Ranboo, who had forgotten what a Birth Day was, “and we should make sure everything is just right.”

“Yes,” said Phil, “we should.”

Ranboo considered for a moment what a Birth Day might be, and what type of party someone would have for it. Perhaps Birth Days were days where you had something good happen, and you needed congratulating. In that case they might want to write him a book. Or maybe Birth Days where when something solemn happened, and you needed consoling. 

“It seems,” Ranboo guessed, “That we should have a celebration.”

“That’s what I said.”

“Ah yes,” Ranboo nodded seriously, “of course, Birth Days are always for celebrating and being happy.”

“Well, yes, obviously. But what should we do to celebrate it?”

Ranboo remembered that Technoblade seemed to enjoy fireworks, and he remembered that sometimes people set off fireworks when they were celebrating an occasion. “What if we set off fireworks?”

“Oh,” said Phil, “yes Technoblade does like fireworks.”

Ranboo felt pleased with himself for guessing something correctly, “Yes he does.”

“But fireworks are not very customary on such occasions,” Phil continued.

“True,” said Ranboo, “not very custardly at all.” 

Phil sat down next to Ranboo so that he would be in a better position for planning occasions, and thought about the firework idea, which still remained their only idea. “Well, I suppose we could have fireworks anyway,” he resolved, “given they are Technoblade’s favorite.”

“Yes, I suppose so.” Ranboo said.

“I’ll go tell Nikki, nobody would want to miss a birthday party.” Phil stood up with new resolve to make Technoblade a lot of fancy fireworks for his birthday, “Thank you for helping me come up with ideas. Come around our house at three o’clock, and I will have woken Technoblade up for his birthday.”

“Goodbye,” said Ranboo, feeling as if the exchange had gone exceptionally well for not knowing what a Birth Day was, and feeling very excited to finally find out.

“Goodbye,” said Phil, glad he wasn’t the only one who had nearly forgotten. Nikki was in her bakery, where it was much warmer than outside in the snow, and the smell of something sweet, but not too sweet, hung gently in the air. Phil stepped in and instantly felt much better about everything. 

“Hullo Nikki!”

“Hullo Phil,” Nikki said, pulling a cake her out of her oven, “It is Technoblade’s birthday today, and so I thought it would be a good idea to make him a cake.”

“Ah yes,” Phil said. He hadn’t even thought of making Technoblade a cake, even though such things were indeed customary at birthday parties. “Cakes are great for birthday parties. I would have made him one myself, of course, but I am not much of a cake maker, and more of a fireworks maker.”

“Cakes are good for birthday parties,” Nikki agreed. “and I am sure you are great at firework making.” 

Phil also realized that Nikki had remembered Technoblade’s birthday before he had remembered it. Nikki didn’t need to know that, she was on a need-to-know basis, if you will. “I, too, have remembered Technoblade’s birthday, as all good and proper friends should, and I have decided that we should wake him up for his birthday at three o’ clock this afternoon.” He smelled the cake and looked very closely, but not too closely, at the purple icing that Nikki had just pulled out of her pantry. “Would you like to come to the party?”

“Of course,” said Nikki, “Have you already told Ranboo? I’m sure he would be devastated to miss out on it.”

“Yes, I did,” said Phil, “And I think we all would be.” 

They stood there for a moment, thinking about how much everyone in the Syndicate cared about Technoblade, and how they had all grown incredibly fond of him, and how they would be devastated to miss out on such an Occasion as his birthday.

After they had given it a moment of consideration, Phil helped Nikki finish baking her cakes. Then he helped her carry them up to the cottage, and Nikki helped Phil set up a table outside with chairs, including one for Steve, and generally prepared for the birthday party. Ranboo, having never attended a party before, was practically buzzing with excitement, and talking to each of them very loudly about what he thought it might be like, and how much fun they were going to have.

At last, the party was all set up, and they went to poke Technoblade to get him to wake up from hibernation.

“Surprise!” They all said together when he opened his eyes, “Happy birthday!”

“Oh!” said Technoblade, struggling to stay awake, “Is it my birthday today?”

“Yes,” said Nikki, “You told me that June 1st is your birthday.” 

“So it is,” confessed Technoblade.

“How old are you turning?” Nikki asked innocently.

Technoblade paused for a moment trying to remember. 

“Ninety-seven,” he responded finally. This was not how old he was.

Fortunately, nobody asked him anymore questions about it and they all went outside to have cake and look at fireworks. 

Nikki presented her cake with purple icing and cut everyone a slice.

“This is the best cake I’ve ever had,” Technoblade said, “Where did you get it?”

“I baked them myself,” Nikki said, glowing with happiness, “at my bakery. I’ve been baking again recently.”

“Cake is always better than pie,” Technoblade remarked, and everyone agreed, even Steve. “Except pumpkin pie is alright.” 

“I don’t like pumpkin pie,” said Phil, “But I’ve only had it once, so maybe it isn’t that bad.” 

“I could make some for you sometime.” Nikki offered, and they all agreed that if Nikki made it then it would probably be the best, and being the best, would be enjoyable even for someone like Phil.

When they had all eaten enough, Philza Minecraft stood up, and everybody stopped talking and were very silent, except Ranboo who had eaten a bite that was a little too large and was having a fit of hiccups. 

“This party,” said Philza, “is a party because of our appreciation for someone who we all appreciate very much, and we are celebrating him turning…” Phil couldn’t remember how old Technoblade was either, “one year older.” He felt around underneath the table for his fireworks, “And I have got a present for him.”

Technoblade was very happy and smiling but he tried his best not to look too eager. When he saw what it was though he could not stop himself from smiling so much he was practically glowing.

Phil held up the present, seeing that Techno was happy and knowing that Ranboo’s advice had been very good advice, “They’re fireworks! I have spent all morning working on them, and I think they will be perfect.”

“I bet they will be,” Techno said, and he meant it, knowing that Philza Minecraft’s crafting knowledge far exceeded his own.

Now all of them were very happy, because Technoblade was happy, and Phil loaded some brightly packaged fireworks, lit them, and set them off in a vibrant display of colors against the white snowy backdrop. They made various shapes in the sky and came in different layers, some of them changed from one color to another.

Everyone ooh-ed and ahh-ed.

But Technoblade was confused. The fireworks did Not look special to him, they looked Dull and Patternless. This was very confusing and surprising as they were made by Phil Himself. But everyone else was ooh-ing and ahh-ing, and it seemed like the right thing to do, so he did it politely along with them.

After Phil had already set off three of his special fireworks, Nikki noticed that Techno looked confused and said, “Technoblade, can you see the fireworks?”

“Well, I can see the colors a little,” he admitted sheepishly, not wanting to upset Phil, who he was sure had worked very hard on them.

“That doesn’t sound right,” said Phil, “you should be seeing the colors a lot not just a little.”

“You’ve forgotten your glasses,” Nikki pointed out.

“Oh,” said Techno, now feeling very silly.

Ranboo saw an opportunity to be helpful even without knowing what a Birth Day party was. “I’ll go get them for you.” He ran into the house and back very quickly and handed Technoblade his glasses.

“Thank you Ranboo,” Technoblade said. Everything looked sharper now, he could see the snowflakes and Ranboo’s large enderman eyes much more clearly.

“Let’s try again,” Phil said, and he set off a few more of his fireworks and they all ooh-ed and ahhh-ed, and Technoblade did not have to fake it as he could actually see them this time, and they were beautiful, and everything that one would expect from Philza himself.

Since this was everything they had planned to do, everyone talked for a little while longer, just enjoying each other’s company and laughing. Then they drifted off, after saying their goodbyes, and congratulated Technoblade on his new age, whatever that might be. 

But Phil and Techno stayed outside in the snow together for a long time and silently watched the sun set in the distance.

“When you finally wake up after hibernating, Techno,” Phil said at last, “what is the first thing you like to do?”

“I like find out how Steve and you and Ranboo are doing,” Technoblade said. “What do you do, Phil?”

“When I first wake up, I always wonder to myself what exciting thing will happen today.” 

Technoblade nodded thoughtfully.

“Yes,” he said, “It’s the same thing.”

[alltooreid]

Clean

As Spencer struggles to overcome his dilaudid addiction, Y/N is dealing with an addiction of her own, to her toxic, manipulative boyfriend. This is an account of a full year, following their joint journeys to sobriety and new love.

A/N: Hi!! I have another Taylor Swift inspired Spencer Reid one shot (but of course you do not need to know the song to understand the one shot). Although originally I was going to write something more fluffy, I switched to this song to write something more angsty and interesting. However, to change pace from my last one shot, this one has a much happier, hopeful ending. However, it is very triggering so please read the trigger warnings before you start. Also, if you have any songs you want to read please let me know!! Also, if you just have a general request please send it my way! Thank you so much for the love on my All Too Well one shot, I never thought my first fanfic on here would be so well received!

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Reader

Type: Angst, but hopeful angst

Word Count: 7.6K

Content Warnings: Cursing, mentally and physically abusive relationship, relationship cheating (ie, reader is being cheated on), blood and cuts description, drug addiction (these parts are kept short purposefully), lots of fighting and yelling both in reader’s relationship and between Spencer and reader, however, there is a happy and hopeful ending. Reader is struggling to get out of her toxic relationship, please no comments about her being stupid. If you are in a situation like Y/N, please don’t use this fic as a guide. Get help immediately. https://www.thehotline.org/

Things to Know: Italics and bold are flashback moments, the time and date headers serve as time skips :) let me know what you think! Please request any songs you would like to see be made one shots!

“You're still all over me Like a wine-stained dress I can't wear anymore Hung my head as I lost the war And the sky turned black like a perfect storm”

3:27 AM, April 16th, 2007.

You have known Spencer for a long time. In fact, you’ve known him longer than you’ve known Randall, and you’ve felt like you’ve known Randall your entire life.

Maybe that’s because you let him become your entire life.

Still, although you had known Spencer for 7 years, 2 years longer than the entirety of your on again, off again relationship with Randall. You still felt weird calling him. He was going through a lot right now, not that he wasn’t normally. Spencer had one of the most difficult jobs you could think of. You know Spencer has shot and killed people before, and you know every time he did it ate him up inside.

And every time he did he called you.

You also knew that Spencer is one of the kindest people you have ever met, you struggle to imagine him wielding a gun on a daily basis. He just seems too sweet, too perfect.

Yet there was a lot you didn’t know about the young genius.

You have no idea that as you stand in the street, contemplating whether you should call Spencer to come and get you, Spencer is making a difficult decision of his own. As you worry about the possibility of waking Spencer up this early in the morning, Spencer sits wide awake and ponders if he has enough time to get high before he has to leave for work in 3 hours.

As you sit on the side of the road, debating between your very few options, Spencer leads up against the side of his bathtub tears pouring down his cheeks, tears that he doesn’t even register as being there.

Fortunately for the both of you, at the same time Spencer reaches into his bag to search for that tiny glass bottle, his phone begins to ring.

“Y/N? Are you okay?”

You sigh, “He kicked me out again Spencer, is there anyway you can come get me?”

Spencer looks around his apartment, frantically hiding the belt and the needles he had gotten out for the events he was anticipating. “Yeah, of course I can come get you, um, just give me a couple minutes and send me your location.”

3:52 AM, April 16th, 2007.

You’re in the passenger’s seat of Spencer’s car, both of you sitting in silence. This situation isn’t new to either of you, Spencer has picked you up plenty of times before, in fact he’s done it for years now. One time, about 3 years into your relationship with Randall, you were permitted to go out by yourself with Spencer’s team, they wanted to meet you, apparently Spencer talked about you all the time. While you were at dinner with them, Morgan asked you if you had a car of your own. You explained that you did, but that your boyfriend had it a majority of the time, and that when he didn’t he hated you using it because you always had to mess with everything. He hates you touching his stuff. Morgan made a weird face about that answer, so you quickly followed up, explaining that you didn’t mind.

You do mind though. You hate how he never lets you touch anything or go anywhere, and you hate how much he despises your only form of transportation.

Spencer.

Randall hates everything about Spencer Reid, and he especially hates seeing his car pull into your driveway. That’s why after the 8th time he kicked you out, you started walking half a mile to the nearest gas station before calling Spencer.

The first time Spencer came to get you Randall came out to talk to you before you left.

“What are you doing? Who is this?”

“It’s Spencer, he’s gonna take me to his apartment.” you explained, confused why Randall was so angry you were leaving when he was the one who had kicked you out.

“Oh so just because I don’t want to look at your bitchass all night that means you can go sleep with another man? I knew you were a whore Y/N. You know him and his stupid fucking car aren’t going to be able to deal with you the way I can. How old is that thing anyway?”

“Randall, calm down, I’m not sleeping with Spencer. I love you, I don’t want to sleep with anyone else. But I’m not gonna sit out here all night, where else should I go?”

“Well maybe if you weren’t so quick to whore yourself out to the easiest man you could find I would invite you back inside,” he said before slamming the door in your face.

So you got in Spencer’s car, the one Randall would grow to hate so much.

“Are you okay Y/N? He didn’t hit you did he? You know you can come live with me, you should really get out of that house, I can get Morgan tomorrow and we can go get your belongings. I have plenty of-”

You snapped at him, “No Spencer he’s not hitting me! Why do you always jump to that conclusion, Randall is a great guy! I would’ve never called you if you were going to jump to conclusions like this. You’re supposed to be a genius, yet you’re acting like such a dumb ass right now.”

Spencer looked at you, and immediately you regretted your words. You knew Spencer was just worried about you and with his line of work he had reason to be. However before you could apologize he spoke again.

“I’m sorry Y/N, forget I said anything.”

You both sat in silence for a few moments before you even knew what to say, and yet all you could think of was, “Hey Spence, what kind of car do you drive?”

He smiled, “It’s a 1965 Volvo Amazon P130 122S, it’s horizon blue, that’s the color they refer to it as. Did you know they’re known as so reliable that the 4 door models are still used as police vehicles in some places. This one’s a two door, but still runs great. . . “

You smiled, how fitting a man as reliable as Spencer Reid had the perfect car to match.

When you get to Spencer’s apartment something seems off. Spencer has always lived in organized chaos, but this just feels different. Unlike his normal mess, this one feels like a blatant disregard for his things, even some of his most prized possessions. His books are strewn across the floors, his clothes overflowing from his laundry basket, which was a mix of both folded, clean, yet to be put away things and worn items. Weirdly, the one place that looks untouched is his kitchen, as if he hasn’t used it in months. And you mean that in the most literal interpretation, his counters are covered in visible, undisturbed dust.

“Thank you so much Spencer, I don’t know what I would do without you.”

He smiles, but his eyes look so tired. “Don’t worry about it Y/N.”

And at 4:47, you finally fall asleep in Spencer’s bedroom, which he insists you take, and he stays awake until he leaves for work just a few hours later.

9:33 PM, April 17th, 2007.

You leave Spencer’s apartment the following night, after an unfortunate screaming match with him. You have never seen him so angry, so easily ticked off. Yet as soon as Randall called you Spencer became aggressive.

“Yeah babe, I’ll be home as soon as I can. I’ll take a cab and be home within the hour. Of course I’m not mad at you sweetheart, I know you didn’t mean it. I love you, see you soon.”

Spencer exitted his kitchen in a huff, and opened his mouth to start talking before you spoke up.

“I’m sure you’ve overheard already, but Randall’s letting me back in the house. Thank you so much Spence. I really appreciate everything you do to help me. Call me soon please, I definitely owe you lunch,” you said, grabbing your coat and your phone, the only things you had managed to grab from your home before your unplanned eviction.

“Why do you even stay with him Y/N? Why do you keep going back there?” Spencer yelled. You had never seen him like this before, so livid and irritable.

“I love him Spence, and he loves me,” you explained, and you were telling the truth. You do love Randall, and you know that in his heart he loves you too, even if he got a little angry sometimes.

“If he loved you he wouldn’t treat you like this Y/N! Don’t you think I would know? I see this everyday! It’s my job! And yet my best friend is too stupid to realize she’s been in an abusive relationship for almost 6 years!”

You were just as angry now, “You’re wrong Spencer, I don’t wanna hear this okay? I love Randall and he loves me. We deserve each other.”

Spencer’s face softened before growing angry once more, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Fuck you Spencer, I’m going home. I don’t need you and I don't need your help,” you said, grabbing your things and slamming the door open. You were lying, you need Spencer and you need his help more than anything, but you didn’t want to admit that while he was being such a dick.

“Fine!” he yelled, “Go run back to him then, but you better not call me when he kicks you out again. I don’t care anymore!”

And so you left, Spencer slammed the door behind you as you stormed out of his apartment. You didn’t stop to think about the fact that Spencer never acts like this. He has never lashed out at you, never questioned your relationship with Randall to your face, let alone scream at you and insult you because of it. You didn’t stop and think about what Spencer was on, or not on, that was making his act like this.

But you thought about it now.

You want to get home before Randall starts to get upset and suspicious, but now after your fight with Spencer you have to walk home. You couldn’t ask him to borrow cash for a cab, let alone ask him to drive you there. You were stuck walking, which also meant you were stuck with Randall’s wrath when you returned.

You already feel terrible about the way you treated Spencer. You think about going to apologize, and stand in front of the door for a second, weighing the pros and cons of doing so. Eventually, you go to turn away, ultimately deciding that you both needed to calm down before speaking to each other again.

Yet as you turn, the door opens. Spencer stands right there, strangely calm, seemingly out of it. All fury and anger you had seen just minutes before gone. In this moment he resembles Randall, and it's the first time you’ve ever been able to draw any comparison to the two.

It’s scary.

“Spencer I-” but you get cut off, not by words, but by an object. Before you can even register what was just thrown in your face the door is closed again. You duck down to grab what was thrown.

Twenty dollars.

For the cab ride home.

1:34 AM, April 23rd, 2007.

You light the final candle on your dining room table, before stepping back to admire your work. Randall always came home so late from work, so you rarely ate dinner together. But today was your anniversary, so you stayed up late, prepared his favorite meal and set up all of your fancy dinnerware so that you could have a very late dinner together before he goes to bed and you go to work. He should be home any minute now.

Yet 3 hours later Randall is not back. You’re just about to cut your losses and call it a night, and start to clean up the melted down candles and cold steak dinner as you hear your front door open.

“Y/N! What are you doing still awake?”

“Do you know what day it is Randall? Because I do.”

He looks down at his watch, checks the time, and looks back up at you, “Well it is now 3:57 AM, meaning it is now Monday. Which is why I’m curious as to what you’re still doing up sweetheart, you have to be at work in 3 hours.” “There’s something special about THIS Monday Randall,” you sigh, you’re disappointed but not surprised, this has happened for the past 3 years.

“Do you have a project going on at work baby? You know I can’t keep track of all that crap, your job is so silly and easy to lose track of. You have to remind me of these things if you actually want me to care about them.”

“It’s our anniversary Randall.”

He stops, but instead of looking guilty or remorseful (like you secretly hoped), he gets livid, “No it’s not, are you stupid or something?”

“Randall, baby it’s okay, it’s not a big deal.”

“No! You stupid fucking bitch, are you trying to make me look bad, cooking this stupid fancy dinner and staying up late. Trying to lie and act like I forgot our five year anniversary?! Stop playing the victim Y/N. So tell me, are you lying to make me feel bad, or is your brain really that fucking empty?”

“It’s our six year anniversary,” you whisper.

“What did you just say?”

“I said I was just being stupid Randall. You’re right baby, I forgot the date of our anniversary.”

He snarls. “I don’t think so Y/N, I think, actually I know that not only are you stupid, but that you’re a liar. I know that you just want to make me look bad by preparing our anniversary dinner a week early. And you have to push it by claiming we’ve been together for six years. I know it’s five. I’m not stupid.”

“I’m sorry, babe,” you cry.

“NO YOU’RE NOT!” he yells, pushing his plate of steak and mashed potatoes, letting your parent’s wedding china shatter on the ground. You cry harder. “You’re a stupid, waste of my time Y/N. Five wasted years I’ve spent on you. Do you know why I do it, huh. Do you know why I stay with you when I could have one of the beautiful, rich, successful, truthful women I’m fucking?”

You shake your head.

“It’s because I feel pity for you. No other man would want you. I’m the only one that will ever love you. You know that right Y/N?” He picks up a piece of your hair, gently tucking it behind your ear. “Tell me that I’m the only one who will love you, you know it’s the truth right?” You nod your head. In a swift motion Randall turns, grabs a glass full of red wine and chucks it at the wall, narrowly avoiding your left ear.

“I WANT TO HEAR YOU SAY IT.”

“You’re the only one who will ever love me Randall,” you croak out in between sobs.

He closes the distance between you two once more, gripping your chin and jerking your face so that your eyes meant his. It hurts, and makes you cry more, but you don’t say anything.

“Don’t you know it sweetness,” he lets go, delivers a sharp slap to your check and grips your wrist. “Now clean your mess up, and then I think it’s best if you get out of the house for a little bit, don’t you agree?”

You nod quickly. He smiles.

“Good girl, now I would normally be worried about you going to hook up with that string bean you’re always all over, but according to the last time I went through your phone, he isn’t in your recent calls. Glad to know he’s finally done with your bullshit. I’m sure a nice long walk alone will do you good. You can think about what led you to lying tonight, and then maybe you can come back in time for our real anniversary.”

He slips upstairs, so you clean up the rest of the uneaten meal and the broken wine class, cutting up your hands severely in the process. You spend at least an hour in a futile attempt to get red wine stains off of your wallpaper, before grabbing your phone and purse and running out the door.

Even after what Randall says, you still think about calling Spencer. Your thumb hovers over the call button for a minute until you switch the contact, phoning your boss instead. You inform her you need a personal day, and that it’s a family emergency.

You check the time, 6:53. Spencer is almost definitely on his way to work right now. You want to call him so bad, but the things he said you ring through your mind. You can’t ask for his help anymore.

For the first time, you are truly on your own.

Until a familiar horizon blue Volvo pulls up next to the curb you’re sitting on, and Spencer Reid sticks his head out the window.

“Y/N? What are you doing here? Get it the car, come on I’ll drive you to work with me.”

Confused as you are, this is your best option right now. So you climb into the passenger seat of his car, refusing to make eye contact with him, instead looking at your bleeding hands. “Oh my god, Y/N. You’re bleeding. Did Randall do this to you? Why didn’t you call me?”

“No, Spencer, Randall didn’t do this to me. He dropped a wine glass and I helped him pick it up. Now just drive.” And he does, drive that is. But you can feel his stares, on your cut up hands, and you forming bruises. You can feel him profiling the signs of abuse on your body.

But more than that you hate that you can feel he’s upset with you. Upset because you didn’t call him. Does he not remember screaming at you not too?

He pulls into the parking lot, parks the car and finally turns to make eye contact with you. He has tears in his, “I really wish you would’ve called me Y/N. If it’s getting this bad I want you to stay with me.”

“Spencer am I going insane?”

“Of course not, what do you mean?” he looks so gentle, so kind and you’re so confused.

“Do you remember what day me and Randall started dating?”

“Yes, it was April 23rd, 2001. 6 years ago today actually. Is that why he did this to you? Does it have anything to do with that?”

“How can you remember that but not our screaming match a week ago?” you laughed, your hands burned now, there’s definitely glass in there, you swear you can feel the tiny little shards in your blood.

“What do you mean, Y/N? We didn’t scream at each other? I haven’t even seen you in weeks. How long has he been hitting you? Why didn’t you call me sooner?”

“Spencer, on the 16th you picked me up and took me back to your apartment because Randall kicked me out. On the evening of the 17th I went to leave because Randall told me I could come home. You said I was being abused and called me stupid for going back to him. When we fought about it I stormed out and you told me not to call you if he kicked me out again because you didn’t care anymore. That’s why I didn’t call you.”

You look up at Spencer, and nearly start crying yourself when you see his crumpled face. Tears are freely spilling down his cheeks.

“I’m so sorry Y/N. I don’t remember that,” he pushes his long hair out of his face, clearly frazzled, “I- I can’t believe I don’t remember that.”

Before you can say anything, Spencer pulls out his phone. “Hey Hotch, it’s me. I can’t come in today. I need to use a personal day. . . I’ll tell you later. Okay, thank you” He angrily pulls out of the parking lot, and you can tell he’s headed back to his apartment.

“Spencer it’s okay, I’m not upset with you.”

“No Y/N, it’s not okay. I said all those terrible things to you, of course you were scared to call me after them. The worst part is I was too high to even remember it all. I- I just can’t believe I helped him do this to you,” tears still freely flowing down his face.

“Spencer what are you talking about? I was with you all day, you weren’t high. You don’t even drink, how could you be high?”

He sighs, “do you remember when I was kidnapped by that unsub, Tobias Hankel? About 2 months ago?” You nod, encouraging him to continue. “Well, I told you about his multiple personalities, how one beat me to death and then Tobias resurrected me, how  I had to kill Tobias in order to survive, even though Tobias himself did nothing to me. Well when I was in the barn, Tobias would give me drugs, dilaudid, in order to cut the pain of his other personalities’ abuse. When I killed him, I took the drugs he had one him with me, and I can’t stop Y/N. It’s affecting my life, my work, and now it’s affecting you.” He parks his car in his apartment complex’s lot and turns to look at you. “Hotch has never said anything about it, so even though the team knows I have no reason to quit, I think I do now. Y/N, I think we need to get clean together.”

Suddenly that night made sense, Spencer was irritable and strange, he wasn’t high, he was going through withdrawal. But when he threw the money at you, so loopy and out of it, he was on it. He was so high he didn’t remember the moments before.

“Spencer, I don't know what to say. I want to help you get sober, I want that more than anything, but I’m not addicted to drugs, I rarely even drink.”

“I know Y/N, you don’t have a drug problem like me, but you are an addict. You need to leave Randall. You know it, I know it, but you can’t.” You open your mouth to defend yourself, but Spencer continues to speak, “It’s okay, I understand why. But we both need to quit, and I think it’s best if we do it together.”

“Well how are we supposed to do that,” you whisper.

“Come on, let’s get started,” you and Spencer exit his car, he loops your hands together, leading you up to his apartment. When you get there, he digs through his messenger bag and grabs a couple of tiny glass bottles and a syringe. He throws them into his garbage can, and turns to look at you.

“Pull out your phone.”

“What? Why?”

“We’re going to block Randall’s number.”

You want to fight him on it, but you know he’s right. You need to leave Randall, and now’s as good of a time as any. Yet, you can’t forget the things he’s said to you. “I can’t Spencer, he’s my boyfriend, he loves me.”

“Y/N, please, please do this with me.” You shake your head, he sighs. “Okay, I get it, this is going to take time. Just, um, stay with me for a couple days. Please. We can go get your stuff tomorrow night.”

You think about rejecting Spencer’s offer, but you really don’t want to go back there. More than anything, you want to stay right here. You try to tell yourself it’s because you’re worried about Spencer, but deep down you know it’s more than that. So you nod, and Spencer wraps you in a hug, burying his head into your shoulder.

“Thank you, Y/N. Now let’s go get your hands wrapped up.”

9:21 PM, May 2nd, 2007.

You’ve been staying at Spencer’s for just over a week now. You haven’t seen Randall since your anniversary, and Spencer hasn’t taken dilaudid while you’ve been here. Things are going well. You’re watching a lot of bad reality TV, and Spencer has gone through about 7 packs of Gatorade, but you’re both doing okay.

Now you were just waiting for him to come back from his case in Idaho, you knew this one was pretty bad. They were searching for a woman in the middle of a huge forest, as she was being hunted and chased down. Spencer called you right before getting on the jet, and told you he would be home soon, so now you were just waiting for him.

While doing so however, you found something. A lump on Spencer’s side of the mattress. Under it, were two small glass bottles and a syringe. The same ones you had seen Spencer throw into the garbage days prior.

Now you need to talk to Spencer, so you sit on his couch, and wait for him to come home. When he comes through the door, he immediately sees you and smiles. “Y/N! I’ve missed you.” He hugs you, and for a second you forget why you’re even mad at him in the first place.

“Spencer, I need to talk to you. I found your bottles.” The mood in the room instantly shifts, but you don’t care, you need to get your words out. “You told me you were quitting, I watched you throw them away.”

He brushes his hairs through his hair, and begins to mess with his hands. “I am quitting Y/N, I haven't taken any, but. . .  I just need them to be there.”

“Spencer, please, throw them away. I’m trying to help you here.” Suddenly he grows very angry, and you can tell you said the wrong thing.

“Well I’m trying too. To me it seems the only one not trying is you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, you still haven’t blocked Randall, he still calls all the time! Why do I have to throw my addiction away if you can’t even do the same to yours?”

“That's not fair.”

“How so?” he yells. “How is it that you can’t block your abusive, no good piece of shit boyfriend but I have to throw away the things I enjoy? That doesn’t feel like trying to me.”

“I’m not addicted to Randall Spencer, I just love him. I don’t want or need to quit him.”

“Oh really? Then why are you even still here? Why haven’t you answered his calls? Or gone to see him? I think you know exactly why.”

And you do. You don’t want to go back there, but what Randall says is true. He is the only one who will love you, and you’re not ready to lose that yet. You’re not ready to cut off all contact with him.

“I can leave if that’s what you want Spencer.”

His face softened, “no, that’s not what I want. That’s the last thing I want.” He stops and thinks for a moment. “If you block Randall I’ll throw away my dilaudid.”

You ponder it, “Okay.”

He breaks into a wide smile. “Really? You’ll do it?”

You smile at him.

“Yeah, I promise. I’ll block Randall.”

6:56 PM, May 30th, 2007.

You did not block Randall.

Even after watching Spencer pour out his bottles, breaking up the glass and tossing it away for a second time, you couldn’t. Even after seeing him snap his syringes in half, and feeling him kiss your forehead, after seeing how happy and excited he was for your fresh start together, you just couldn’t do it.

Spencer thought you did, and it was easy to hide the truth from him. Randall hadn’t called since then, so you and Spencer continue to spend time together, last week you celebrated one month of sobriety. You got an ice cream cake and little, silly party hats and exchanged gifts.

And it made you feel like shit.

Spencer was so happy, so proud that you had both been clean for a month, but you still couldn’t decide if you wanted to be clean at all.

You still can’t decide if you should block Randall’s number.  

You try not to think about it, instead focusing the energy into making you and Spencer virgin pina coladas, he was currently out picking up burgers from your favorite restaurant. When he returns, you were going to watch one of your crappy reality TV reruns, and then an episode of Doctor Who. It was Spencer’s idea a couple days ago, and quickly it became a regular occurrence.

Faintly over the loud whir of the blender you can hear your phone ringing. You run  quickly to go grab it, just in case Spencer needed your help with something, but your heart drops when you see the caller ID. It’s Randall, trying once again to contact you.

Your thumb hovers over the accept button, but before you can make a decision, the call times out and sends Randall to voicemail. You let out a breath and set your phone down.

But then something possesses you, and you snatch your phone and dial Randall’s number. He picks up on the 3rd ring.

“Baby, oh my god baby is that really you?”

He sounds so excited to hear from you, how could you have stayed mad at him for so long?

“Yes baby, it’s me. I’m sorry I haven’t answered your calls at all. I’ve been busy.”

“Don’t worry sweetness, I’m so so sorry for the things I said to you, I need you to come home. You missed our anniversary you know? But it’s okay! We can celebrate now! I got you a really beautiful gift, one we can definitely experiment with tonight.” You could hear his smirk over the phone.

“I’m not sure if I’m ready to come back right now, maybe later baby, but not right now.”

You hear his breathing pick up, and tense. You can tell he’s getting agitated. He wasn’t expecting you to answer like that, you always come home as soon as he tells you you can come back. “What do you mean? You’re being ridiculous, I want to see my girlfriend. I’m sure you want to get off of the streets too, you’ve been squatting for over a month now.”

“I’m not squatting Randall, I’m living with Spencer.”

“What!?” he yells. “I thought I told you not to stay with him. I hate that guy, you know that.”

“Would you rather me be on the streets Randall? Spencer’s a great guy, and I want to stay here.”

“Frankly, yes I would. But don’t worry, you can still come home. Just send me the prick’s address and I’ll come pick you up. We can enjoy tonight together.”

“No.”

“No?”

“I’m not going to send you Spencer’s address. I’m staying here. I don’t want to see you anymore. Leave me alone Randall. I’m done.”

Before he could say anything, you hung up. As you did so you heard the front door open, and Spencer made his way to the bedroom.

“Hey! I got burgers! Ready to eat?” he looks down to see your phone still resting in your hand, stuck on the phone app. “Who were you talking to?”

“Just an old friend,” you say.

“Think you’ll be talking to them again anytime soon?” you can tell he knows, and you’re surprised he isn’t lashing out at you. You’re so used to how Randall reacts when you go against his wishes, Spencer’s calm, understanding presence is like a breath of fresh air.

“No, I think I’m ready to leave them behind,” you smile at each other. “I’ll meet you in the kitchen in a sec okay?”

He nods, and goes to set up the food and TV.

It takes you seven seconds to block Randall.

1:12 AM, June 10th, 2007.

You haven’t gone out with your coworkers in months, you forgot how good it feels to just be present with people. You didn’t even drink tonight, wanting to remember every second of this time out with friends. You were beaming when you unlocked the front door.

Yet your smile slips when you enter what had become you and Spencer’s shared bedroom.

He isn’t there.

You pull out your phone to call him when you hear a thud coming from the bathroom door. You hesitate, scared of what you know you’ll likely find. When you finally throw the door open you’re already teary eyed, and these sobs escalate as soon as you see Spencer, tipped over, lying on the bathroom floor, the needle still sticking out of his arm.

You’re sobbing as you rip it out, hastily undoing the belt wrapped around his upper forearm. He looks up, even in his groggy haze you can see the guilty look in his eyes when they made contact with yours.

“Y/N. . . I- I’m so sorry. I don’t know what came over me but I just couldn’t stop myself . . . I-”

“Shhh, It’s okay, just breathe,” you whisper through your tears. “It’s going to be okay Spencer, I’m here, and it’s going to be okay. I’m staying right here.” You pull his head into your lap, stroking your shaking hands through his hair.

His head begins to shake, and you can feel his tears on your dress. You rest your head on his, and for a few seconds you just sit there, crying together.

“You’re going to be okay Spencer.”

8:09 AM, June 11th, 2007.

Your head is buried in his chest, you need to be able to hear him breathe. You need to hear his heart beating. You need to be as close to him as possible right now. He stirs as he wakes up, and wraps his arms around you. 

“I’m so sorry Y/N.”

“Don’t apologize Spencer, this is a part of recovery okay? You’re still in recovery, just because you relapsed doesn’t mean we have to start over. You’re so much stronger than you were before. So much braver. So much better. You can do this.”

He smiles at you, “thank you, thank you so much.”

“Of course, now withdrawal is going to be even harder this time. I’m going to the store. We’re going to need plenty of Gatorade and water. We have to flush everything out of your system. Do you mind if I take your car to the store?”

He beams, even in his groggy state he manages to look so perfect, “You know my car is always yours to use Y/N.”

“I’ll be back soon okay? Don’t move a muscle,” you grab his keys and head out the door. And you really do mean it, you fully intend this to be the shortest grocery trip of your life. You’re terrified of leaving Spencer alone long enough to get high again, even though you spent all day yesterday searching for drugs and throwing anything you found in the garbage, taking it out the main apartment dumpster that night. 

You get to the store, grab everything you need, 3 packs of blue Gatorade, 6 cases of water bottles, and the store’s entire stock of Jell-O and rush back to Spencer’s car. You were only in the store for 17 minutes, the majority of which was just check-out time. You smile, thinking of how excited Spencer will be when he sees all the Jell-O in the fridge, but feel your stomach drop when you see a familiar face examining Spencer’s car.

Randall. 

Before you can decide what to do, he turns and sees you. 

“Y/N! I was expecting Spencer, but this is even sweeter. I knew I recognized this hunk of junk. Where have you been?”

“I’ve been around, I’m kind of on a tight schedule here. I really need to get going,” you say as you load up your groceries into Spencer’s trunk. 

“That’s a lot of Jell-O sweetheart, you hate Jell-O.” That’s not even true. You hate pudding, you love Jell-O.

As much as you wanted to yell at him for calling you sweetheart, you couldn’t deny that it felt good. You still missed him. Blocking him helped, but you still felt strong urges to call him sometimes. “It’s not for me, it’s for Spencer.”

“I thought I told you not to stay with him anymore.”

“What part of that conversation would make you think I would listen to you?” you say.

“You should always listen to me Y/N, I’m your boyfriend.”

“I haven’t seen you in months, we’re not dating anymore. I’m done.”

“You don’t mean that you’re just being irrational. Are you on your period? I bet that’s it. Come get breakfast with me. You probably just need chocolate, and the place down the block has incredible chocolate waffles.”

You open your mouth to reject him, but you can’t. Part of it is because you know if you do then he’ll follow you back to your apartment and the last thing you want is for him to know where you’re living right now. But the other part is much worse. A big part of you wants to let him try again. You can’t explain why, but you really want for him to redeem himself as your first love.

“Ok, you have 20 minutes, let’s go get breakfast.”

The walk there is silent and awkward. Randall grabs your hand, too tight for you to do anything about it, and keeps this grip until you sit down in your booth. 

You don’t get chocolate waffles. You really don’t even like chocolate all that much. Randall knows that, or at least you thought he did. Instead you get cinnamon french toast, and within minutes it’s at the table. 

“You know baby, Spencer doesn’t love you.” He says halfway through your french toast.

“We aren’t dating Randall.”

“Doesn’t matter, you’ve been with him in that apartment for a while now. I’m surprised he hasn’t given you the boot.”

You sit in silence, Randall takes this as a sign to continue. “We’ve been together for five years, sweetness. No one can love you the way I do. That’s just a fact. Spencer fucking Reid can not replace me, no one can replace me.”

“I hate that you’re right. I hate that I can’t breathe when I’m not with you Randall. I hate that you’re stuck to me. You’re this god awful stain on my life. I hate looking at it but no matter what I do I can’t wash it off.”

He smirks. “You’re not gonna get rid of me Y/N.” He pays the check, and gets up from the table. You go to get up too, but notice he didn’t tip your waitress, so you leave another five bucks on the table. 

When you get outside he grasps your shoulders. “I knew you would come around Y/N, I knew you would get it. Now come on, we can go collect your stuff from that prick’s apartment and get you home. I know exactly how you can make it up to me.”

You pause, “I don’t think so Randall. I’m not ready quite yet, but I promise I’ll call you.” You meant it, you had already unblocked him from your phone.

“Oh absolutely not, you’re going home with me now.”

“No I’m not.” As you were yelling at each other you notice a strangely familiar face standing nearby, just in ear shot. You can’t place him, but you know you’ve met before.

“Yes you are! We’re happy together and you’re coming to live with me again!”

“We don’t love each other, Randall! Not right now at least!” 

He’s livid, and once again you feel that scared, indescribable feeling in the pit of your stomach. “That’s not true! I’ll prove it to you.” He grabs your chin and pulls your face to his.

You feel as if water is filling your lungs, you’re drowning and no one is around to save you. Randall is physically stronger than you, you’re stuck in his grasp. It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear you. 

And yet, this flood of emotions you’re feeling is the first time you realize something. 

You’re addicted to Randall.

You need to get out.

You need to get back to Spencer.

After what feels like minutes (but is actually about 3 seconds) of being unseen and vulnerable, you discover you’ve been protected the whole time. The man you can't place rips Randall off of you, “What’s wrong with you? Get off of her!”

It’s his voice that lets you place him. Derek Morgan, Spencer’s closest friend and coworker, punches Randall in the face. “Get out of here!”

“What the fuck is wrong with YOU? That’s my girlfriend! Sweetheart, tell him to leave us alone!”

They both turn and look at you, with tears in your eyes you look at Morgan and shake your head. “Please, get him to leave.”

And Morgan does just that, with a little yelling and a flash of his FBI badge, Randall is running for the hills.

“Come on baby girl, let’s get you back home. Did you walk here?”

You shake your head, “No, I drove Spencer’s car here.”

“Well, how bout I drive you home, and then afterwards I swing back and get Spencer’s car and drop it off?”

So you do just that. After profusely thanking Morgan, and him insisting that it was nothing, and also insisting to carry your groceries in from the car, you and Spencer are together once again. 

“I’m so sorry Spencer, I didn’t believe you before. I was going to go back to him. How could I be so stupid?”

“Don’t talk like that Y/N, you said it best yourself. Just because you relapse doesn’t mean you aren’t trying, and it most certainly doesn’t mean you’re stupid.”

“I think it’s time we get clean Spencer. Both of us, once and for all.”

“I think so too Y/N.”

He pulls you into a hug and in between sniffles you manage to choke out what you’ve been wanting to say since you got into Morgan’s car. “I love you.”

He looks at you, and the look in his eyes almost makes you cry out of pure joy. He looks so happy, as if he’s been waiting for you to say that for years. 

Maybe he has.

“I love you too.”

7:29 AM, April 16th, 2008.

You press your lips to Spencer’s, you know he has just woken up, but you know it’s a big day for him. 

You both have been sober for over ten months now. Today is the day of his first group meeting. He found Beltway Clean Cops recently, and has been so excited to go. You’re excited for him. You know how proud he is of you, and you want to show him in every way possible that you’re proud of him.

He opens his eyes and smiles up at you. “What did I deserve to get a wake up like that?”

“What kind of question is that? You’re incredible, and an incredible boyfriend deserves an incredible morning. Do you know what else he deserves?”

He hums and waits for the answer.

“An incredible breakfast! That’s why I made blueberry pancakes. Now hurry up and come eat. You should  leave soon if you want to make it to your meeting on time. Have I told you yet how incredibly proud I am of you?”

He smiles, “Only an average of 15.6 times a day since I told you I was going.”

“Well that’s not nearly enough, now come on, get up. It’s pancake time,” you say. “Oh, and Spencer?”

“Yes flower?”

“I’m so proud of you.”

He smiles, “I love you flower.”

“I love you more.”

You ate breakfast together and then forced Spencer out the door, making sure he had plenty of time to get to his meeting. You knew he would regret it if he was late. 

You weren’t going to lie to yourself, you still thought about Randall a lot. You still missed him. You still love him in a way. But now that you had Spencer, now that you were clean together, you would never risk going back to him. 

That day where you agreed to go to breakfast with him, Derek asked you if you wanted to press charges. You didn’t, you don’t regret that either.

You’re even more proud of yourself this way, because you know he’s still there, still accessible and available to you, and still didn’t run to him. You know that any trace of Randall in your future is gone. 

You know you and Spencer are finally clean.

“Ten months sober, I must admit Just because you're clean don't mean you don't miss it Ten months older I won't give in Now that I'm clean I'm never gonna risk it”

- Thank you for reading! Please reblog and let me know what you think :))

[choking-on-tae]

Wizard ATEEZ Falling In Love With A Non-Magical S.O

Anon: how about wizard!ateez falls for a normal non-magical s/o? hmm like wizards and humans aren't allowed to interact so they kept the relationship a secret? or the friendship a secret if you don't want it to be romantic

Anon: ot8 wizard!ateez would be great or it can be hongjoong if you want a single member fic. but you can choose anyone you think fits it best they're all my bias sdjhfkfkr

A/N: I absolutely love supernatural AU's and ATEEZ so for me this is the perfect combo! I love this idea and wanted to make it longer than my normal reactions, hence why I didn't make it a 'ateez reaction to' post although it's pretty similar. I love supernatural AU's but be warned this is gonna be looooooong. x

Warnings: Angst and mentions of injuries. Idk if that triggers anyone but just thought I'd let you know in advance! x

Seonghwa

Seonghwa is someone who follows rules and doesn't question them to much. It isn't until he catches feelings for an adorable non-magical person that he finds himself questioning it. Why is it that wizards aren't allowed to fall in love with non-magical people? It just something that doesn't make sense to him. It's because humans are supposedly dangerous to them, although Seonghwa couldn't possibly imagine how.

He's just going on his evening walk when he spots you sitting in a field, admiring the pretty flowers. A soft smile spreads across his face as he makes his way towards you. "They're really pretty, aren't they?"

Your head snaps around at the sound of a voice, but you instantly relax when you notice it's Seonghwa. You flash him a shy smile as you nod your head.

"Yeah, these tulips are my favorite actually."

Seonghwa moves to sit down beside you as he too admires the beautiful tulips. You know Seonghwa is a wizard and that you're technically not supposed to be around each other, but it just feels so weird to you. He's just Seonghwa. There's nothing scary about him.

"I know we're not supposed to be around each other but I really like talking to you, Seonghwa." You whisper softly, but due to your close proximity it's still loud enough for him to hear.

He feels his heart flutter as he looks you in the eye. His heart beating rapidly against his chest as he tries to find the right words to say.

"I know what you mean. I feel the same way about you Y/N."

You smile at his words as your hands creeps towards his, gently lacing your fingers together as you give his hand a tight squeeze. Seonghwa feels his cheeks flush as he smiles brightly, knowing that you feel the same way he does.

He leans in to press a kiss against your cheek before resting his head on your shoulder, playing with your fingers as you two sit peacefully in the tulip field.

Hongjoong

Hongjoong isn't one to obey the rules, so when he came across one that said that wizards aren't allowed to fall in love with humans, he almost wanted to fall in love with one just to break the stupid rule. Almost. What he didn't expect was to actually fall in love with one. He didn't hate humans but the never actually found one that caught his eye. Until he met you. He spotted you one day when he was looking out of the window, sipping a warm cup of coffee as he looked at the outside world.

That's when he spotted you walking outside, headphones on as you skipped around. He chuckled softly when he saw how happy you looked, and he instantly wanted to get to know you better. There was just something about you that caught his eye, and he wanted to know what it was.

It wasn't until he finally met you that he found out what it was, your passion. Whenever you talked about something you liked your eyes would sparkle. It was something he hadn't seen before in a person and it really made him want to get to know you better. Hongjoong could tell right away that you weren't a witch, and that he should probably stay away but he just couldn't bring himself to do that.

He likes you, so he continued meeting up with you and eventually fell in love. You're sitting under a tree together, listening to one of your favorite songs when Hongjoong suddenly leans in to press a kiss against your cheek, taking you by surprise.

You stare at him with wide eyes as you ask, "What are you doing?" "Isn't it obvious? I like you."

"But you aren't supposed to-" "-I know that, but I don't care. I like you Y/N and there's nothing I can or want to do about that. That is if it's okay with you of course."

His voice grows noticeably softer towards the end, which doesn't go unnoticed by you. He must be nervous for your response. Because you know just as well as he does that you aren't supposed to be doing this, but you can't bring yourself to care.

So you flash Hongjoong a bright smile as you pull him close enough to kiss him. He's surprised at first but soon kisses you back. It's short and sweet but long enough to know what the other person is feeling.

Hongjoong pulls back and wraps his arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer as you two lean back against the tree again and continue listening to your favorite playlist.

Yunho

Yunho is so focused on trying to perfect his spell that he doesn't hear you come in. You walk into the room, excited to show your best friend a funny video you saw online when you see something floating in the air. You drop your phone to the ground, the sound startling Yunho who turns around to look at who came in. Once he sees that it's you his eyes grow wide and he drops the object that was floating in the air.

"Y/N..." He says, beyond shocked that you caught him.

Now there's no point in hiding it anymore. Now you know he's a wizard. "I-I can explain..." He says, slowly making his way towards you but to his surprise he doesn't see you backing away.

"You're a wizard..." You stammer, still staring at you with wide eyes.

"I am. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner."

"I get it." "Huh?"

"I get why you didn't tell me, Yunho."

He's surprised by your action but also relieved. Yunho is glad that you aren't scared of him, so he makes his way towards you and gives you a hug, which you return.

"So you're not scared of me?" He asks, nervously biting down on his bottom lip as he stares at you with big eyes.

"Of course not Yunho."

He flashes you a bright smile as he rests his chin on your shoulder, holding you close. Yunho brushes his nose against your cheek before pressing a soft kiss against it.

"I really like you Y/N. I know I'm not supposed to but that's why I tried hiding it from you."

You nod at his words as you pull back just enough to be able to look at him. "I really like you too Yunho. I don't care that you're a wizard and I'm not a witch, but I still like you a lot."

Yunho smiles brightly at your words as he presses his forehead against yours, staring into your eyes.

"Then let's not care about what people say and just be together."

Yeosang

You grab the two mugs with hot tea as you make your way to the living room, where Yeosang is reading a new book that he's become obsessed with lately. You let out a soft chuckle as you place the mugs down on the coffee table as you watch how focused Yeosang is on the book.

"What's it about?"

Yeosang's head snaps up upon hearing your voice. His cheeks turn a soft shade of pink as he tries to find the right words to say. "Its... uhmm.. just a book about history."

You nod softly, not believing a word he says. Yeosang has never been a good liar and you can see right through him, but you don't question it further.

You take your mug as you start sipping your tea, taking out your phone as you scroll through it.

"I'm gonna go to the restroom real quick." "Okay."

Yeosang closes the book as he leaves to go to the restroom. As soon as he's gone you reach for the book and look at the name. "The history of potions." Why the hell would he be reading a book about potions? It's then that something clicks in your brain. Oh my god Yeosang is a wizard.

You sit there in shock until Yeosang comes back, looking just as shocked as you. "Y/N... I.. I can explain."

"Are you a wizard?"

Yeosang nods softly as he feels his cheeks heat up from your stare. "Yes, I'm sorry for not telling you. I know we've been dating for a while but I didn't know how to tell you..."

"I'm not mad. I get why you didn't tell me."

He seems surprised by your reaction, and can't help but smile softly when he sees your happy expression. "So we're good? Even though we technically aren't supposed to be together?"

You wrap your arms around Yeosang's neck as you look him in the eyes. Staring at him lovingly before leaning in to press a soft kiss against his lips. "I don't care about that Yeo. I just want to be with you."

San

You and San are playing in the field together, laughing and running after each other when you accidentally fall over a branch.

"Are you okay?" San asks, hurrying towards you as he kneels down besides you, examining the injury on your leg. The cut looks pretty deep and there's some dirt in it as well. San takes out his wand and uses a spell to cure your injury. Meanwhile you're staring at him with wide eyes. Coming to the realization that your best friend and person you're in love with is a wizard.

You feel your heart sink as you feel yourself tearing up. San puts his wand away and turns to look at you with a soft smile, but it disappears as soon as he sees the tears in your eyes. "W-What's wrong Y/N?"

"You're a wizard?"

San nods his head, his eyebrows furrowing because he still doesn't understand why you'd be upset about that. Since you've said multiple times that you think wizards are pretty cool. It isn't until he thinks back on some things you've said to each other that he realizes why you're crying. You're in love with him.

San feels his heart ache when it dawns upon him. The person he's been in love with for years feels the same way about him. Now it makes sense why you're upset. San sighs softly as he looks at you, wiping your tears as he leans in to kiss your forehead.

"I'm sorry Y/N, I should have told you sooner."

San moves to get up but as soon as he does you grab his hand, pulling him back instantly. The unexpected move causes San to fall forward and onto you. The two of you stare at each other with wide eyes as you feel your cheeks heat up.

"Sorry.. I just didn't want you to leave."

"No I get that." San says, smiling softly as he looks into your eyes.

"Maybe we could make this work, we just have to keep this a secret. I don't know if you want to d-" You press your lips against his, efficiently shutting him up as you wrap your arms around his neck. San smiles against your lips as he pulls back, chuckling softly.

"I'll take that as a yes."

Mingi

From the moment Mingi first met you he knew you weren't a witch, and that it would be dangerous to befriend you. Not because you're a human because humans aren't dangerous, but because he might fall in love with you. When he met you he could instantly tell that you had a different way of thinking, and Mingi really liked that. It didn't take long before the two of you became friends, and soon he started to fall in love with you.

This cutie would be so conflicted, because he knows he isn't supposed to fall in love with a non-magical person but he couldn't understand why he wasn't allowed to.

You were aware that Mingi was a wizard and that you weren't allowed to be together, but just like Mingi you couldn't understand why it was that way. What was so wrong about wizards and non-magical people loving each other.

You were sitting on the couch, cuddled up together when Mingi suddenly leans down to kiss your cheek. Your eyes grow wide as you look at him. Your expression making him chuckle.

"What's it, Y/N?" "Why did you kiss me?"

"Because I like you."

If you weren't blushing before you sure are now. Mingi chuckles at your expression as he hugs you tighter.

"I know it's not allowed but I don't care. I like you and if you'll let me I'd love to be your partner."

You smile brightly as you hug him tighter, pressing a couple of kisses against his cheeks as he chuckles softly.

Wooyoung

One thing Wooyoung has always been interested in is potions, specifically love potions. He wonders if they actually work so that's why he decided to make one. Woo wasn't planning on making one that makes someone fall in love but one that lets you smell the scent of your soulmate. Wooyoung wanted to find out if it was really you. Once he finishes putting all the incredients in he stirs it around a litle before a delicious scent fills his nostrils. A delicious but also very familiar scent. Your perfume mixed with the smell of your laundry detergent. He's so caught up in his thoughts that he doesn't hear the front door unlock.

When you walk into his apartment the last thing you expect is to see your best friend standing over a small cauldron. You furrow your eyebrows as you stare at him. "Uhm. What are you doing, Woo?"

As soon as he hears your voice a panicked expression is plastered on his face. His eyes wide as he stares at you in shock. "Y/N... what are you doing here?"

You show him the bag of chips he asked you to buy as you say, "It's our weekly movie night. Did you forget?"

"No.. of course not.. uhm.." Wooyoung stammers, trying to think of an explanation but knowing there is none.

You lean against the doorframe as you fold your arms over each other, staring at him with a smirk on your face. "So a wizard, huh? That explains a lot."

Wooyoung seems surpised by your response but he's relieved you're taking it so well. He smiles softly as he makes his way towards you. "So.. you're not mad?"

You shake your head 'no' as you give him a hug. "Of course not, although it would have been nice to know that the guy I like is a wizard."

"You like me?" He smiles brightly upon hearing your words, pulling you closer until his nose brushes against yours.

"Yes. Like Wooyoung. I like you."

Wooyoung leans in to kiss you softly as he mumbles, "I really like you too Y/N. I don't care what anyone says."

Jongho

Jongho is going on his usual evening walk when he spots you sitting out near the river. He's surprised to see you there so late, since you're not a massive fan of the dark. He makes his way towards you, trying not to scare you as he carefully sits down next to you.

You look up to see Jongho sitting next to you, making you smile softly. Just when you were thinking about you he appears. How funny. Jongho's heart flutters when he sees you smiling at him as he notices you fiddling with your fingers. Something you always do when you're nervous.

"What are you thinking about Y/N?" "Oh.. just something." You mumble, trying to avoid his eyes.

Jongho is having none of it so he gently takes your hand is his, softly brushing his thump across the back of it as he gives it a soft squeeze. "You can tell me."

"I like you Jongho. And I know I'm not supposed to and you probably don't like me back but I just can't help it."

His eyes widen at his words as he takes a moment to take all of it in. You like him back? A wide smile spreads across his face as he takes your other hand is his too, squeezing them softly as he looks at you.

"Y/N... I like you too. I can't believe you feel the same way."

Now it's your turn to be surprised. Jongho likes you back? Even though he's a wizard?

"But we aren't supposed to..-" "-I know, but I don't care."

Both of you smile softly at each other as Jongho pulls you a little closer to him, so you're practically pressed together as you continue staring at the flowing river in front of you. aa

[sugarmaplewings-fics]

Hoodie Headcanons

Pairings: BNHA Boys x reader

Warnings: None, just more fluff from me!

Characters: Midoriya, Bakugou, Todoroki, Shinsou, Amajiki, Kirishima

A/N: I highly recommend listening to Jacob Sartorius’s Sweatshirt song while reading ;)

                   ꒰ෆ❛ั ु▿❛ั ु꒱            ٩꒰• ε •꒱۶

Midoriya:

● I wanna start this off by saying that Midoriya unironically likes that song ^^^. There's nothing I can do, it's canon.

● That said, he's super chill about you stealing his clothes

● Already owns a crap ton of hoodies and loose t-shirts, so you have quite the number to choose from

● Understands completely how you like the way they smell

● It was initially his idea to offer you his hoodie one evening when you looked cold

● After you put it on, he just couldn't stop staring at you

● You were so cute !!! and wearing his hoodie !!!

● 100% a yes from him when you asked to borrow it for a while longer

● And any other time you so happened to want to snatch one

● Wearing some of his clothing is def a cuddle turn on

● Your relationship in general is just soft vibes and fuzzy sweetness, but Izu will get nearly twice as tender curled up next to you in his hoodie

● A forehead and cheek kiss simp all the way, just smothering your face in little pecks

● Fall and winter only gain more appreciation from him, since it's perfect sweater weather and time to share warmth any way he could think of with his cutie (that's you (*~‿~))

● Is also down to see you in his t-shirts when it gets a little warmer

● It makes him feel some sort of way when he sees you in one of his old All Might tees

● A good way, mind you

● Maybe it's the nostalgia of the shirt seen on his favorite person

● Literally two of his top three favorite people right there in front of him for him to hold (but only one in the flesh. Both would be weird)

____________

Bakugou:

● We all know Baku's fashion sense is on point

● A lot of his clothes aren't for comfort, but he does have some baggy tees to sleep in

● Actually, not anymore

● Because they're all gone

● He feels like he's going crazy, trying to figure out how he's misplaced so many shirts

● Until one day when he catches you in the act, rummaging through his closet for another t-shirt to add to your collection

● "So that's why I haven't been able to find any of my clothes!"

● His voice makes you jump, whipping around to meet his triumphant expression

● So he wasn't just a dumbass who couldn't keep track of his own pajamas. That was a relief

● But then . . . you'd taken his stuff, and acted like he was crazy when he'd mentioned it missing in passing

● Now he's a little pissed

Your back was to his closet, guiltily holding a black t-shirt. "Katsuki, I—"

"Where's the rest of them?"

"Huh?"

"I know what you've been up to. What have you been doing with my clothes?"

You sheepishly lead him to your room, opening a drawer in your dresser where you'd been storing your stolen goods.

Katsuki looks into the nearly full drawer, then back at you, and you can't help but notice a hint of respect flickering on his features.

"You're pretty good," he admits, putting a hand in the drawer and pulling a shirt out at random. "I didn't even realize I was missing this many."

"I was going to give them back," you try to explain, now attempting to hide your face with your hair, "but they still kinda smelled like you, and they're so comfortable to sleep in—"

"Oh, so that's what you do with them." Katsuki's frown deepened, letting the shirt fall back into the pile. "Why don't you just come see me?"

You averted your eyes, shrugging. "I don't know. You just go to bed so early and sometimes I have to stay up and study but I still miss you, so having your stuff is really nice because it's like . . . you're there . . . ."

Katsuki sighed and pulled you into a hug, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "I'm here for you, babe. You don't need a piece of cloth when you can just ask."

"But what about when you're not here?"

He paused, realizing you had a point. "You can keep some," he finally grumbled. "But for heaven's sake, not so many! I'm running out of things to wear. If you need another one, tell me."

"Thank you." You hugged him back and finally watched as he lugged an armful of t-shirts out of your room and back to his.

● Eventually Bakugou realized that seeing you wearing one of his shirts oddly boosted his ego; especially seeing you so often, now that he knows your secret, more than happy to wear his clothing while the two of you hung out together

● He starts to insist that you wear some of his t-shirts around the common areas, letting people see you in them

● But before you get the chance, he makes sure to wear it frequently so everyone knows it's his, and then gives it to you to wear so everyone knows you're also his. It's just one of his pride things

● You soon start to expand from just shirts, eyeing the singular hoodie at the back of his closet

● He doesn't think it really fits his vibe, only having worn it alone in the confines of his own room when he was cold

● You insist that you want it, though, so he grumbles and starts wearing it in secret so it can smell like him for you

● He has to admit you're freakishly adorable in it, even though it's not really oversized or anything

● This prompts him to wear it more often, just not in front of anyone other than you

● You finally buy him another hoodie for his birthday, although it's more of a gift for yourself than him

●And now we move on to: Bakugou's baggy pants

● Maybe our favorite explosive blond boy likes his tops to be a little more put together

● But dang, do he got those loose-as-heck pants

● You steal them out of spite mostly, just to see his reaction to your hips filling out his pants

● Boy does he like it

____________

Todoroki:

● "Why are you taking my clothes? Do you not have enough of your own?"

● Doesn't really own hoodies, per se, but definitely has a steady supply of jumpers, knits, and turtlenecks

● Or, he used to

● Until you came along

● Is kinda confused at first, completely baffled at where all his clothes were going

● Then he finally caught you, recognizing one of his sweaters on you while you made a quick trip to the kitchen for tea

● Legitimately does not know why you'd take it, surprised that you'd steal from him

● You hastily explain that it's normal, and that you only do it so you can have something that smells like him for when he's not around

● After that, he kind of understands

● Took you shopping with him once, just to see what you liked. He thought he'd be buying you some sweaters of your own, but instead ended up purchasing his first oversized hoodie (with a few extras to share) (who wants a quick Buying Hoodies with Shouto drabble?)

● Now you're both obsessed with the hoodies, Shouto being surprised at how comfortable they are

● Loves showing up for cuddle sessions in a hoodie, pulling you close to him so you sink into the soft fabric

● 100% Shouto's new favorite clothing item

____________

Shinsou:

● It started out when you took a nap together for the first time at his house

● You'd asked to borrow one of his larger shirts to sleep in, feeling a bit uncomfortable in the top you had worn that day (I for one cannot sleep in my day clothes. I don't know why, it just feels wrong. Does anyone else feel like that too?)

● He let you wear a large, gray tee, which was so big on you it fell around your thighs

● He thought you looked so cute in it, especially since it mostly covered your shorts

● Thus began your obsession with wearing his clothes whenever possible

● Pajamas, t-shirts, and hoodies are your prime targets

● Totally wear them to bed whenever you're not sleeping with him (as in sharing a bed, not that)

● The scent makes it feel like he's right there with you

● Shinsou noticed immediately what you were doing but never made any moves to stop you, thinking it was cute

● Absolutely loves seeing you in his clothes

● You look so cute but also it's low key hot, jus sayin 👀

● I've briefly mentioned this before, I think, but 'Toshi has some nice pajamas

● Nothing over the top expensive or anything, no

● I'm talking peak COMFY

● Ya ever see the pants with fleece lining and stuff?

● Mmm *chef kiss* do he have a pair of those fo sure

● Also, many with cat themes!

● Seeing you in his purple cat PJ pants only solidifies further for him that you're his Kitty

____________

Amajiki:

● Gets kinda flustered but at the same time is super flattered

● You actually ask to 'borrow' one of his sweaters, and he lets you, blushing as he watches you slide it over your head

● You're so frinking cute in it, and he feels this almost foreign sense of possessiveness wash over him because you're there and you're adorable and you're in his sweater and all of you is his

● Spontaneously hugs you and is even brave enough to press a few little kisses all over your face

● You wearing his sweaters and hoodies becomes a regular thing; asking every few weeks for a replacement top and him obliging, letting you pick something from his closet

● This doesn't stop you from occasionally stealing his clothes anyway, him sometimes catching you in one of his jumpers and briefly wondering if he'd ever actually seen you choose that particular one before shrugging and brushing it off

● He never fails to provide you with extras whenever you have to be apart for whatever reason, trying to help so you don't have to miss him so much

● Is 200% more inclined to hug you when you're wearing them. You just look so soft and warm, which he quickly finds out for himself that you are

● Definitely has thought about trying on one of your hoodies, but is a little too scared to ask

____________

KiriBaku:

● You alternate between wearing Bakugou's hoodie with Kirishima's sweats and then vice versa

● Neither of them can handle how cute you look practically drowning in hoodies that they bought oversized for them

● They're just that much bigger on you, especially Kirishima's since he's more willing to buy baggier hoodies than Bakugou

● If either one of them catches you wearing their clothes, they will literally just flop on top of you, overwhelmed by how much they want to hug you

● Even Bakugou will drop what he's doing just to go give you a hug, pulling you onto his lap for a minute and giving you a sweet kiss

● Eijirou will straight-up full-on tackle you, peppering kisses all over your face while he hugs you close to him

● If it's both of them at once though, get ready

● An impromptu cuddle sesh is guaranteed, most likely starting with Kirishima picking you up and carrying you to the bedroom while Bakugou follows close behind, ready to jump into bed with you

● Like I said way up top, Bakugou wasn't super into hoodies at first, but once you start stealing Kirishima's along with the one or two he does have, he starts buying and wearing them for the sole purpose of seeing you add them to your collection

● Bakugou's are better for going out in since they tend to fit you a little better, him opting to buy hoodies a little closer to his size

● Kirishima's are great for hanging out around the house, snuggling into the excess fabric and inhaling his scent while you wait for him to get home

● The two of them eventually start to just wear each other's hoodies interchangeably too, to the point of nobody really knowing who's hoodie is who's anymore

● E: "I'm pretty sure you got me this one for my birthday."

● K: "No, I bought it for myself, and then you decided to steal it on your birthday."

● Before all the confusion, though, you would rotate, having little hoodie parties where both you and Bakugou would wear one of Kirishima's hoodies while Kirishima wore one of Bakugou's

● Bonus: Kirishima has 100% decided to repay the whole clothing stealing thing and took your leggings, wearing them around the house just waiting for one of you to notice

● "Are those my leggings?"

● "Yeah."

● "What the hell."

● You just roll your eyes and go back to what you were doing

● Not ten minutes later, from another room—

● "EJIROU, WHAT THE FUCK!"

● "What?"

                  ꒰ෆ❛ั ु▿❛ั ु꒱            ٩꒰• ε •꒱۶

Author's Note:

I will be posting a quick Eijirou drabble about him catching you stealing his hoodie, so expect that soon (find it here!). Also I didn't do TodoDeku but that was because I ran out of both motivation and time so  ╮ (. ❛ ᴗ ❛.) ╭

Writing these made me realize how few hoodies I own. Also how single and alone I am.

*Waluigi voice* WAH

-Sugar

[mangozcat]

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆. lee donghyuck x fem!reader 𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐑𝐄. fluff, heavy angst, smut 𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒. you were forced in an awkward spot when your best friend, of which you had fallen in love with somewhere along the road, got a girlfriend. his attention was forced from your morning coffee runs and rose petal scent to the way her eyes lit up every time he gave her a kiss on the cheek. so when you finally get some time to catch up with your best friend, you eagerly took the opportunity, realizing just how much spending time with him, being forced to stay as friends, was breaking your heart. so you finally did it; you came clean to the boy of your dreams.

𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐅𝐄𝐋𝐓 𝐋𝐈𝐊𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐖𝐄𝐑𝐄 𝐓𝐇𝐈𝐑𝐃 𝐖𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆. haechan’s hand was interlocked with hers, eyes glowing as they discussed how nice the scented candles on display smelled. together, they seemed like the perfect image of a beautiful couple out on a mission to buy as many holiday gifts as they could. so, together, they wandered around the bath and body works inside the mall, leaving you standing at the pretzel stand in the middle of the in-door courtyard.

yeah, you were certainly third wheeling.

honestly, you weren’t sure why you had agreed to come along in the first place. you knew watching them interact and share the occasional kiss would only make your heart hurt more. and it certainly had. maybe you needed to work on your ability to say “no” aloud, but how could you, when haechan had given you that innocent look that made him look like a lost puppy? as expected, you lost.

at least you had bought a pretzel. that seemed like the highlight of this whole trip. when they disappeared inside, you decided to wander into your own store, browsing the shoes upon the shelves. maybe you’d treat yourself for all the heartache you endured (which was your fault, though you liked it better when you were in denial.)

you still don’t know when it happened.

one day, your friendship with haechan was normal, simply platonic. the two of you met in high school, stuck in some classes together. you were paired with him for a project, and when he came over to your place, two coffee’s in hand, you had decided he was a keeper.

he even introduced you to his closest friends, and you were surprised to find how well you worked together. renjun and jaemin, two of his friends, had even made a bet about who would give in first. they didn’t necessarily doubt that guys and girls could be friends, but when they saw your chemistry, they knew it would incredibly stupid if you didn’t start dating.

but the two of you had built this idea in your mind that your relationship was simply platonic. even when the two of you had shared a breathtaking kiss during a game of spin the bottle, neither of you changed your minds. just a friendship, that’s all you guys thought of it.

just a friendship.

from then, you guys had the occasional sleepover and movie night. you and haechan were as close as you could be, and you were very content with your friendship.

but then your perspective changed. when you cuddled, and his hands rested on your sides, you always noticed your heartbeat speed up drastically. every time you woke up to his smell, his sleepy smile and tired groans, you felt so happy. it was such a strange attraction for you, to learn that you were falling in love with your best friend with sparkling eyes and a bright smile. every time he was near you, you seemed to pick up this spark, always finding yourself stuck in this never-ending loop of him.

and then your world cracked.

haechan came over to your apartment one morning with a coffee in his hand, a smile etched on his lips. he seemed to excited, and for what? you weren’t entirely sure. and then he revealed to you that he had found a girl that caught his eye, and wanted you to help him choose a date location.

it all felt wrong. the way you agreed so quickly, the fake smiles you had to send to him to mask your disappointment, and how jealous you were that he was stolen from you, even though he was never yours to begin with. it should’ve been you, you had thought at the time.

it should’ve been you that got roses, that got a nice night at some nice diner with haechan, and it should’ve been you he announced to be his girlfriend the next week.

he never would know how painful it was for you. after all, how could he? you were a master of pretending, and you had been doing it for two years. it wasn’t enjoyable, nor was it easy to hide how lost you were every time you cried in jaemin’s arms about how you had lost him; how you had lost the boy of your dreams, and also your best friend.

your relationship would never be the same, especially since his eyes weren’t on you anymore, his arms weren’t wrapped around you as you watched movies, nor did he ever sleep in the same bed as you. the two of you had lost the bond that took oh-so long to develop, and you weren’t too sure if you’d ever be able to spark it again.

the three of you ended up meeting again an hour later, bringing together all of your combined gifts and placing them in haechan’s car. haechan’s girlfriend, mini, enthusiastically rambled on about how excited she was to get home and start decorating her apartment for christmas. you couldn’t help but notice how his eyes lit up when he gazed at her, and how invested in the topic he seemed.

you had nothing against mini. in fact, the two of you were decent friends. she was nice and sweet and honestly held no ill intent. it was strange, enjoyable, and painful knowing that you got along with the girl that stole away your haechan. he wasn’t yours to begin with, you had to remind yourself, he doesn’t belong to you.

“what about you?” mini asked you, a smile on her face. her hair was shoulder length, a cute style you thought fit her quite well. short and well shaped bangs adorned her forehead and you were reminded of how pretty she was. green eyes, light pink cheeks and puffy lips, she was quite a stunner.

“what’s up?” you asked, knitting your eyebrows together. perhaps you had zoned out for a little longer than expected. mini shook her head, knowing a little too well that you had done this since the two of you met. you were never there, always in your own little world.

“I asked if you were excited to decorate,” mini reminded politely. at some point, haechan had sneaked off to the bathroom, leaving you and mini alone for a minute or two.

“oh!” you exclaimed, “a bit? I’m certainly not hyped to get out my decorations or put in the effort to put them up, but I’m excited for the end result. I always loved the lights especially, they’re always so stunning and magical to me.”

she let out a small laugh, accepting your honesty. “me too, to be honest. I only really enjoy the decorating part because of my mom,” she said, a fond smile appearing on her face at the mention of her mother. “she made us put up decorations every year, and our house always looked like a mess. but it was something we all did together, at least.”

mini never really talked to you about her family, but it was nice to hear about. often times, the two of you only spoke about casual things (most of which involved haechan), and it never really got deeper than that. it was strangely nice, you noticed.

when haechan returned from the bathroom, shooting you both a dazzling smile and asking if you were ready to leave, you and mini nodded eagerly. getting in his car and getting ready to drive back to your apartments, you couldn’t help but notice the way haechan’s fingers laced with hers over the middle compartment.

and suddenly, the pain was back.

with mini living closest to the mall, she had been dropped off first. and as perfect as it had seemed, you and haechan were left alone, the man driving you home whilst quietly humming along to the song on the radio. his fingers idly drummed against the steering wheel and you were left to bask in the silence of the moment, staring out the window.

“we used to listen to this song,” he finally said, finger drifting over to turn up the music. when you heard the song, a soft smile appeared on your face as you heard the soft tunes in your ears. “when we met, specifically.”

you remembered. how could you forget? haechan would always stumble into your appartment with his notebook, ready to study with you. and when the two of you began, he’d put on some playlist of his. you always loved this song in specific, and it got to the point where he played it on loop, turning the sound down as to not dull your mind from listening to it on repeat.

“I still love it,” you smiled slightly, tilting your head back against the seat. closing your eyes, you listened to the song, getting lost in the familar lyrics.

“yeah, me too.”

you wanted to talk to him like you used to. wanted to claim that the silence was comfortable, and that you didn’t need to say anything out loud to feel content with your friendship. yet, you couldn’t. it felt forced, the small conversation, and it quickly died out. the silence was awkward, and you were fearful of what that meant.

you had hoped it would never get to this point. where you were unfamiliar with alone time, and were lost when it came to talking to him whilst alone. it never felt like the two of you actually hung out, and were simply clinging onto what you thought was familiar; each other.

but you weren’t familar anymore and holding on was hopeless, you knew. the two of you were too scared to move on, to put each other in the past and move onto better things, less painful things. it was unfixable.

but yet, despite knowing that, your heart still jumped when he said, “I miss spending time with you, y’know.” you had glanced over at the boy, his eyes still on the road. “I heard there’s a firework show in town later this week. would you-“ he paused, lost in how to ask for one simple thing; to accompany him to the last set of normality he could remember, -“I don’t know, maybe, would you want to go with me?”

you smiled, “like old times?”

he finally looked over at you when he came to a stop at a red light. smiling, he nodded, “just like old times.”

preview | part one | part two 

[charlieconwayy]

D3: The Mighty Ducks (1996) is the best Ducks movie and a flawless coming of age movie

It’s no secret that The Mighty Ducks are a beloved trilogy. The three films spawned a professional NHL team named in their honor, 2021 sequel series, as well as many knockoff films released in the 1990s. But with any movie series, fans tend to rank the films and have passionate opinions on which is the best. For most Ducks fans, the answer is simple: D2. It has the Bash Brothers, Team USA dominating, the iconic “Ducks Fly Together” scene and two Queen songs. What’s not to love? But upon a rewatch of the trilogy, I came to realize that it’s not D2, or even the original, that is the best in the series.

It’s the criminally underrated 1996 D3 that for me, is the most mature and has the most heart. Perhaps it’s that the Ducks are now old enough to carry their own weight on screen. Perhaps it’s that the film takes a look at trauma, specifically trauma in teenagers, and how that manifests itself. Perhaps it’s that the film is maybe ahead of its time, in the way it discusses classism, racism and sexism. There is so much about this overly hated film that makes it the best Ducks movie and a perfect coming of age film.

The movie starts presumably a few years following the Ducks’ win against Iceland. They all look noticeably older - definitely older than the middle schoolers we left behind in 1994 - and all of the male Ducks’ voices have dropped a few octaves. Gordon Bombay, played by Emilio Estevez, is presenting the team (except for unfortunately, Jesse Hall, a leader among the Ducks who would’ve made for a strong presence in this mature film, as well as Portman, but we’ll get to him later) with scholarships to his alma mater, Eden Hall, a preparatory high school in Minnesota. Charlie Conway, played by a young, pre-Dawson’s Creek Joshua Jackson, is the Ducks’ captain and unspoken leader. There’s been much debate over the years over whether or not Charlie is the true captain of the Ducks. Adam Banks, played by Vincent Larusso, is far and away better than practically every Duck combined. Fulton Reed, played by Elden Henson, has shown more maturity and leadership at this point. It’s probably true that the Ducks as a team think that Charlie is Captain because of Bombay’s favoritism towards him (and his mother), but I think that this film makes it abundantly clear why Charlie is the captain. 

D3 is Charlie’s story. We see that in the opening scene, when Bombay tells Charlie he will not be following the team to Eden Hall, accepting a job instead in California. We learned in the original Mighty Ducks film, that Charlie and his mother left a bad situation in Charlie’s father when Charlie was very young. We also hear about Charlie’s mother, Casey’s marriage to a new man in the D2, who we can assume from what Jan says, that Charlie doesn’t like. We see in that first film, Charlie’s reaction to Bombay announcing that he is leaving the Ducks after the two of them have formed a bond. It is very clear that Charlie deals with abandonment issues, stemming from trauma in his early childhood. Charlie freaks out when a D3 Bombay announces the same thing, and storms off. 

Change is the biggest theme in D3. We see how change affects each of the Ducks, even those who don’t get many lines. Some, like Russ Tyler, played by SNL’s Kenan Thompson, think it’s a good thing. All of the Ducks don’t come from good neighborhoods and we assume that most of them don’t have the best home lives, especially when Charlie tells their new coach, Orion, played by Jeffrey Nordling, that the Ducks are the only good thing that any of them have had. Going to a preparatory school should be a good thing for them. But for most of them, it’s not. The new Ducks (who by the way, three of which are people of color, and one of which, is a woman) are immediately told that “their kind” is not welcome at Eden Hall. The Varsity team claim that they feel this way because the captain’s younger brother was not admitted onto the JV team because of the Ducks’ scholarships, but it’s very clear what they really mean. Russ commented that he’s the only black person on the whole campus earlier, and he, Luis Mendoza (The Sandlot’s Mike Vitar) and Ken Wu (Justin Wong) are the only people of color we see in the film. Change takes a toll on each member of the team. We see it the most in Charlie, but we also hear from Fulton on how the separation from his best friend, Dean Portman (Aaron Lohr), who decided not to enroll at Eden Hall, is taking a toll on him. Connie (Margerite Moreau) and Guy (Garrette Henson) have presumably broken up, as the two small scenes we get of them, they are arguing. It’s a transition period, one that the first year of high school often is. But it’s also a look on how a rich, white privileged world is vastly different than the one that the Ducks are used to. 

Coach Orion seems like a hardass, especially when he tells Charlie at their first practice that he will no longer be “Captain Duck” (as coined by D2’s Gunnar Stahl, played by Scott Whyte, who now plays the level-headed Varsity goalie Scooter). This, to the Ducks, is a line in the sand. Ever since Bombay turned District 5 into the Ducks four years previous, Charlie has been their captain. They’re in a whole new environment, where the man who gave them so much happiness and so many friendships isn’t, and their “little Duck tricks” won’t work anymore. Orion thinks Charlie is a showoff, and perhaps he is. This Charlie is vastly different than the sweet, shy Charlie we see in D1 and D2. But this Charlie is older, has just been abandoned by a man he considered a father, and is being harassed on a daily basis for being, as Varsity Captain Reilly puts it, “white trash.” I find it hard to believe sometimes that fans can look at Charlie from the outside, and not see who he is on the inside. All of Charlie’s closest relationships that we see portrayed in this movie, are with women. His mother (who he, as a teenage boy, says “I love you” to in the final scene of the movie), his teammates, Connie and Julie, who he gets a lot more screentime with, and with new love interest, Linda (Margot Finley).

I think now is a great time to talk about the shockingly impressive way all of the female characters are portrayed in this series, particularly this movie, especially for a 90s sports film. Connie has always been a leader on and off the ice. She’s in a relationship with Guy, but it’s not her only character trait. Dubbed “the Velvet Hammer” by Averman (Matt Doherty), she stands up for herself, and for her shy teammates (she literally shoves Peter Mark - a character cut out of D2 and D3 for good reason - in D1 when he insults Charlie) and stands up to the entire Varsity team despite them telling her that they hope they can “fight” with her later. Julie “The Cat” Gaffney (Columbe Jacobsen) is the second best player on the Ducks, despite the little ice time (thanks, Bombay) we see her have. She is the first person to tell of the Varsity, telling Captain Reilly that his little brother “just wasn’t good enough.” She’s a huge facilitator in the fire ant prank and despite the very weird and out of character game she had against the Blake Bears, shows that she deserves the number one goalie slot that Reilly gives her - despite what Goldberg, and the obvious underlying sexism there, have to say. I’ve also always been very impressed with Charlie’s mother, Casey (Heidi Kling). Although she has a romance with Bombay in D1, she makes it clear from the get go that her first priority is Charlie. We know that she took the two of them away from an abusive situation, and she’s a goddamn hero for that. Her scenes in D3 are limited, but they always show her chastising Charlie’s antics and encouraging him to stay in school. It goes unsaid, but it’s clear that she knows that he’s not going to get an education this good in the problematic public school system. But according to Linda, Charlie’s love interest, the private school system is no better. The first time we see Linda, she is protesting the “outdated” Warriors team name. This was in a 1996 kids movie, no less. She holds her own against Charlie, calling him out when he’s wrong. No one aside from Charlie, and maybe Fulton, get much screentime or lines aside from Bombay and Orion, but her presence and the point of her character is clear - not every rich person agrees with the horrible things that wealthy people do. 

Back to the plot.

When the Ducks receive their positions, they learn that Banks, as a freshman, has made Varsity. From an outside perspective, they seems obvious. Banks is the best player we see in any of the films, definitely miles better than the losers on Varsity, so it seems obvious that he would be promoted. But Banks is unhappy with this. Adam Banks is a fan favorite character, definitely due to the sweet, understated performance by Larusso, but we don’t see much of him. From what we do see of him though, he underwent a huge character arc from D1 to now. In D1, Banks goes against his father’s protests and joins the Ducks, claiming that he “just wants to play hockey.” Here in D3, we see that Banks is utterly miserable despite playing with some of the best players in the state, purely because he’s not with his friends. At the end of the film, he makes the (questionable) decision to rejoin the Ducks and go against the Varsity. But Varsity seems to feel that Banks fits in with them, for obvious reasons. He’s the only Duck who comes from an affluent background, and he’s definitely the most clean cut. Captain Reilly is visibly angry in the final showdown with the Ducks that they no longer have Banks on their side, as if he’s betrayed “his kind.”

The turning point of the film comes when after Charlie has quit the freshman team (no longer the Ducks), Hans, a father figure to the Ducks and Bombay, suddenly passes away. It’s an insanely dark moment for a Disney film, especially when Bombay returns to the funeral and reminds the Ducks that it was “Hans who taught them to fly” and Charlie storms off, crying. I think Joshua Jackson, in the Ducks films, as well as in Dawson’s Creek, is phenomenally good at portraying teenagers who wouldn’t normally be seen as leading men. Who let their emotions overtake them, who have anger issues, who deal with familial problems. Characters like that in leading roles were almost unheard of in the 90s, and in the upcoming scenes, it reminds us why this side of Charlie that we’ve seen throughout the movie is not the only side of Charlie.

Bombay takes Charlie to the rink to see Orion skating with his disabled daughter, who was injured in a car accident. He reveals to Charlie that Orion quit the NHL to take care of her, and this immediately changes Charlie’s opinion of him, but he’s still unconvinced about rejoining the team. The next scene is without question, the greatest and most important scene of the trilogy. The last two films spent way too much time telling us how great of a person Bombay was, how he was the Minnesota Miracle Man,despite us seeing so little of that onscreen. We see him making mistake after mistake, hurting the team, being an unjustified dick to those around him. But this scene more than makes up for all of that. I’ve put the quote from this scene below.

Bombay: I was like you, Charlie. When I played hockey, I was a total hot shot. I tried to take control of every game. I wound up quitting. So I tried the law. I ruled the courtroom, but inside, I’m a mess. Start drinking. Man, I was going down. But then this great thing happened, maybe the best thing ever - I got arrested and sentenced to community service. And there you were - Charlie and the Ducks. And as hard as I fought it, there you were. You gave me a life, Charlie, and I want to say thank you. I told Orion about all of this when I talked to him about taking over. I told him that you were the heart of the team and that you would learn something from each other. I told him that you were the real Minnesota Miracle Man. 

Charlie: You did?

Bombay: I did. So be that man, Charlie. Be that man.

It’s a callback to D2, when Jan tells Bombay “Be that man, Gordon. Be that man.” This scene is flawless. Every good thing that has happened to the Ducks, came because of Charlie’s heart. It came because of that game when Charlie refused to cheat, and made Bombay see his wrongs. It came because of when Bombay first tried to quit the team, and seeing how hurt Charlie was, agreed to stay. It was Charlie who stepped out of the game against Iceland so that Banks could play. It was Charlie who found them Russ. Giving the credit to a young, emotionally unstable teenager, rather than their Emilio Estevez, hotshot Bombay, is the best thing this series ever did.

This movie, in my opinion, is nearly flawless. Every moment has been planned to make the same point - change sucks. Especially when you’re a teenager. Even more so when you’re a teenager with trauma.

[partiallyobscure]

otp questions from this post <3 I just went ahead and did them with David and Michael lmao. it’s mostly my usual headcanons with my fic as the backstory but you don’t necessarily need to read it to understand. cw for light nsfw but it’s mostly tame.

Who is the most affectionate?

David is disgustingly affectionate. he lives to make people uncomfortable so he would be the absolute worst perpetrator of PDA. he and Michael have gotten kicked out of too many establishments all because David is constantly letting his hands wander. I don’t even think he’s aware of it at this point lmao

Big spoon/Little spoon?

they bicker about it a lot, but usually in bed, David ends up being the little spoon. he tries to start off being the big spoon but he always wakes up with Michael’s arms around his chest, specifically covering where the holes from the antlers were, even though the scars are long gone by now.

Most common argument?

usually comes down to who/what/where to eat.

Favorite non-sexual activity?

they love doing tons of stuff together, but they really like racing, watching bad sci-fi movies, and going on haunted tours around the country. they’ll really go the extra mile for the ghost tours and get huge cameras to hang around their neck and everything and act all tourist-y. it’s a great time.

Who is most likely to carry the other?

David fusses but Michael carries him around when he can or requests it. he doesn’t like to do it too often though because it always reminds him of that first time he did so, thinking he was carrying David’s dead body in his arms.

What is their favorite feature of their partner's?

Michael’s favorite feature is David’s mouth, especially when it quirks up into his signature smirk, but he can also tell a lot about what David’s feeling from what he’s doing with his mouth. David hates that Michael can read him so easily (even with their shared mental connection) and asks how the fuck he’s able to do that, and Michael always gives an enigmatic smile and swipes his thumb across David’s lips.

David’s favorite is Michael’s eyes. he could lose a whole night just staring into them. he can’t quite place the color, but they remind him of how the sky would look at noon and he gets a rush of nostalgia every time Michael looks at him. whenever they light up like when they’re with Michael’s family or when he’s talking about the coolest bike that he saw in town that day is David’s absolute favorite. and when only his eyes turn amber, before the rest of his face follows to match David’s, David falls a little bit more in love every time.

What's the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

not much changed on David’s end since he was attracted to Michael at first sight. he couldn’t let it show though so he just found excuses to touch Michael whenever he could, passing him the joint and their fingers brushing when Michael took the bottle and catching him when they fell off the bridge.

when Michael realized he started to share those feelings, he was confused at first considering everything that happened between them. he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hit David or hit on David when they first met, so those feelings simmered a bit until he could get to know David beyond their history. he doesn’t fully admit it until he realizes he’s the one David is pursuing and he has the ego boost from this combined with knowing there’s more to David than what he allows people to see.

Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

David likes how Michael’s name sounds too much to give him a nickname, but will sometimes hit him with a ‘babe’ just to see him flustered. Michael calls him Davey just to make him mad but especially in public.

Who worries the most?

Michael since he still can’t seem to shake the fact that he doesn’t need to worry anymore about human dangers. he still flinches and looks twice before pulling onto the highway and all. but mostly he still worries about his family and their perception of him and whether or not they see him as a bad person, despite their love and support. and of course, he worries about how he’ll be when the day comes that he gets older than them.

Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

David knows Michael’s order all too well and specifically chooses restaurants that have at least fifteen kinds of burgers to choose from.

Michael swears David is making stuff up at this point whenever they go to a sushi place or a Thai place and he chooses something new to try every time. he knows David’s bubble tea order by heart, though.

Who tops?

Michael, but they’ll switch whenever David has had enough of Michael being too gentle with him.

Who initiates kisses?

David, but he’ll usually give Michael a look when he wants a kiss and Michael is happy to oblige. otherwise, since David likes gross PDA, he usually steals a kiss whenever he can.

Who reaches for the other's hand first?

David and it’s usually because he has to pull Michael along after he gets lost in his thoughts, more often than not after they feed.

Who kisses the hardest?

Michael. David nipped at his bottom lip once and that’s all it took for his fangs to come out and sometimes, it gets a little bloody.

Who wakes up first?

Michael. he has to practically drag David out of bed most nights because he’s too comfortable.

Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

David as stated above lmao. who knows how long dude was batting it up before he could sleep in a bed again.

Who says I love you first?

Michael and it was out of frustration.

Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

there’s no one to tell at first since they were keeping it secret, but Star finds out first and is initially upset, mostly about being lied to. grandpa eventually finds out next and then Sam stumbled across them by accident, so...both of them technically spill the beans together each time lmao

What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Lucy is supportive and likes David a lot. she knows she should probably resent him for turning Michael, but he really seems like a boy who was in a bad scenario and is making due with what happened to him. she also knows Michael has been a good influence on him and trusts the two of them are doing what they need to to survive. her and David bond over shit talking Max and the best kind of wines.

Sam was understandably skeptical at first, but he and David came to an understanding and they’re cool now. they bond over music and David eventually comes around to really enjoying board games because of Sam, mostly because he wins every single game. Sam even refers to him as his brother-in-law.

Star took longer to come around but she mostly listens whenever Sam tells her what they’re up to. she’s also mostly relieved that she dodged both of those bullets and can live her own life how she wants to now, grateful that the boys gave her an escape and that Michael helped get her human life back.

Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

both of them suck at dancing, but Michael will spin David every now and then when a cheesy slow song comes on, or Careless Whispers and they both crack up.

Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

when they’re back spending time with Michael’s family, David is usually the one helping Lucy in the kitchen. he’s chided Michael before about joining in, especially with the big holiday dinners but Michael is always there to lick whatever spoons and bowls clean when they make dessert.

they vow to take a cooking class or two while they’re out on the road but never do.

Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Michael. he usually gets them from Sam.

Who whispers inappropriate things in the other's ear during inappropriate times?

David, 100%. inappropriate times being at all times because of the whole telepathy thing.

Who needs more assurance?

David, that Michael still wants to be with him and doesn’t resent him for turning him. but also Michael that he isn’t a monster and that he’s only doing what he needs to to survive.

What would be their theme song?

SOOOO MANY but just from my drive to work today: Possum Kingdom by the Toadies fits TOO well. Michael by Franz Ferdinand too obviously. I’m curating a playlist for them here at the moment if anyone’s interested lmao

Who would sing to their child back to sleep?

please don’t give these two a child

What do they do when they're away from each other?

they’re not usually too far from each other but David gets a little mopey until he can see Michael again. he’s protective so he doesn’t let Michael too far out of his sight. Michael feels a little part of himself missing when David’s not with him, so he’ll do whatever he needs to do quickly or just take David along with him.

one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart:

despite all the time David has had to mourn and grieve, he still misses the other boys every day and sometimes it gets really painful. his only regret in life is not easing Michael into the vampire thing more before turning him, but he was under a time constraint from Max so he didn’t have much of a choice. they still get into shouting matches very rarely about whether or not Michael was the catalyst for the other three’s deaths and David’s very deep, hidden fear is that he’ll never learn how to accept it and one day, his emotions will take him too far and Michael will get sick of his guilt trips.

one headcanon about this OTP that mends it:

Michael does blame himself for David’s grief, because how could he not. he feels like the constant source of David’s sorrow when it comes to the boys but also his ecstatic love and it pulls him in two directions. he listens intently whenever David tells him about his past and his time with the boys and asks what they’d say or do if they were there with them right now, and it continues into the modern era. Michael asks what kind of blog Paul would have (music reviews and fashion), what Marko would name his Instagram account for bird photography (vampigeons), and how many followers Dwayne would get on tiktok for posting thirst traps. David knows Michael cares and is trying to keep the spirit of the lost boys alive.

[ddalgi-yong]

𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 

𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐛𝐚𝐧𝐠 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫 

𝐰𝐜; 𝟐,𝟑𝟒𝟕 

𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐫𝐞; 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐟𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟

𝐚/𝐧; 𝐦𝐞𝐫𝐫𝐲 𝐜𝐡𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐦𝐚𝐬 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 !!!

You missed him so much. It had been so long since you last have seen him. But he couldn’t do anything because of his schedule. Chan’s group just had a comeback and they were busy travelling around. Even if you knew about this you still got him a Christmas present. You also got presents for his members. Your boyfriend’s present was something really special. You hadn’t got him something, that would cost money or something.

The few weeks all boys were in Seoul at the company you spent a lot of time with Changbin and Jisung. However, it was worth it. Both boys were impressed by you singing so smoothly and calm, they never thought you could sing like that.

So, that was your present for Bang Chan. It was a song you really liked and it fit with the Christmas time.

Sadly, you just had found out that your boyfriend won’t make it to Christmas Eve.

“I’m sorry, baby, I really wanted to be with you this year…” – “It’s fine, Chan. Just make sure you’re okay, yeah? Take care of yourself and don’t overwork yourself. That’d be the best Christmas present for me. All right?”, you fake yawned and smiled. You two were face timing and he smiled.

“It’s probably really late there, huh? Go to sleep, baby. We’ll talk tomorrow”, Chan said. After you both said your goodbyes and hung up you were just laying on your bed, thinking about how he could get your present.

Then you got an idea and smiled. You called Jisung via FaceTime.

“What’s up, angel?”, he said. That was a thing between you two. He could call you pet names but you just found it lovely. At the beginning of your relationship with Chan he didn’t really like the fact that you were so close to one of his group members. However, this jealousy faded away after a while and Chan started being more accepting. He wasn’t as jealous as he was in the beginning of your relationship and that was something you were so grateful for.

“I need your help, Jisungie”, you said. “But I need you to be a bit more silent since Channie thinks I’m sleeping.”

“Alright, we’ll start again in 3, 2, 1…”, Jisung ordered, earning a smack on his head from Changbin.

“Don’t order her around. She knows how to do it now”, the eldest of you three said. You all laughed and you cleared your throat before you started singing your verses. You had taken extra English classes to perfect your pronunciation. You have done anything to be able to do all of this.

“I’m still so impressed how beautiful she sings”, Changbin whispered and Jisung grinned a bit. After you had finished recording the song, you sat with the boys in the studio since they wanted you to decide how the song’s going to be. However, since you knew how talented the two boys were with producing a song, you trusted them to do the best thing out of all the recordings.

“I’m tired. I think I’ll go home and sleep a bit”, you excused yourself and smiled. “Thanks for everything you did for me.”

You hugged both. “No need to thank us. We’re happy that we could help you with this. And I’m pretty sure he will love the song!”, Jisung said, smiling brightly.

“You want me to give him the song? Why? Even if it’s after Christmas, you should be the one who shows him the song”, Jisung said.

“I want him to listen to it on Christmas. It’s a present. He should get it on time.” It was kind of sad that you won’t be able to see his reaction the moment he listens to it. Jisung sighed.

“Okay… I’ll show it to him then”, he said, not wanting to discuss it any longer since he was really tired, too, because of all the touring.

“Or…? You can just come to Australia? What about that? We have our last concert in Australia right on Christmas Eve. Then we can spend like two days in Sydney before we head back to Seoul. And he’d love to see you again”, Jisung suggested. It wasn’t a bad idea at all, actually, but you had no idea if your boss would give you free days.

“I can ask my boss. But I don’t think he’d allow me to”, you said.

“Just try. And it’s really important, because I think Chan is close to have his down-phase again. He really misses you and I feel like he needs you to be himself again”, Jisung explained. You widened your eyes and looked at him.

“What do you mean?”

“He messes up during rehearsals. He’s pissed without any special reason. Sometimes I feel like Chan hyung is going to cry. It’s really worse than it was at any other tour. Just… try coming here, yeah? You’re the only person who can fix him.”

You knew Chan got demotivated when it came to leaving you. But you didn’t know it had gotten even worse since the last time you two separated. And again, you wonder how you couldn’t realize how bad he was actually feeling but still smiling his sweet, bright smile to his phone camera. He was doing all that just to let you think he’s happy, when he’s not even close to be as cheerful as he actually was.

You were so close to cry, but held back; did not want to cry in front of the younger boy, “I’ll get my tickets now. Thanks for telling me, Jisungie. Sleep well, and look after him. Take care of him when he doesn’t take care of himself, yeah?”, you said and smiled softly. After you hung up, you got up and searched through your wardrobe for his hoodie. You had kept it when he last visited you before going to the airport.

That was almost three months ago.

At that specific night he had shown you his love to you. No one knew about it, only you two. Even JYP or his members didn’t know about it. But Bang Chan wasn’t just your boyfriend anymore. On his birthday, October 3rd he had proposed to you. He had asked you if you would spend your life with him. If you’ll be by his side until the two of you passes away.

You smiled brightly, taking out the ring, which you kept in your wardrobe since you couldn’t wear it outside. Everyone knew you by now; Chan had told everyone about your relationship a few months after you two got together. The group had received a lot of hate because of it, but the shit-storm ended. And a ring on your finger wouldn’t make it any better.

“Daesung-ssi, I really need to visit my family on Christmas. Something important happened and my parents said, I need to be there”, you had to lie to your boss. He sighed, then nodded.

“Alright… family is something I can’t say no to. One week. That’s all”, he said. You were so happy and just hugged him. You have been working in this company for a few years and your boss liked to be close to his co-workers. He wanted them to feel relaxed around him and you really loved the atmosphere there.

“Thank you so much, Daesung-ssi!”

“It’s alright. Have a nice time with your family." He said and smiled, before you left his office.

Finally, you could book your flight tickets and see your fiancé.

Your fiancé, who didn’t dare to tell you how much he actually suffered. That was something you two had to talk about. He couldn’t keep on hiding this kind of things from you, if you would get married one day. If… you didn’t know if it would happen and when it would happen. You never had any idea of how he really felt. He never told you. Chan just smiled and said he’s okay. He’s fine.

But inside, he needs someone to take care of him, make sure he’s really okay, though no one besides his group mates sees it. Because they’re the only ones who are spending enough time with him. You don’t even get to see him that much like the other boys do. You don’t even get to hug him or kiss him just to tell him without even using any words that you’re always there for him. That you’re going to stay with him as long as you both live.

“Did you get your flight tickets?”, Jisung asked excitedly. You nodded and smiled brightly. “I’ll be there on the 26th. A bit late but at least I’m going to be there. I hope you can handle him these last four days”, you answered, you were a bit concerned.

“We got this.. It’s all okay at the moment. Do you still want me to show him the song on Christmas day or do you want to show it yourself?”

“No, it’s okay. You show it to him. Just film it, all right? I want to see how he reacted to it”, you smiled.

“All right”, Jisung sighed, not happy with your answer.

“See you in four days!”, he then said with a bright smile and hung up.

Well… it took you more than four days to arrive in Australia. Your flight got cancelled and you were stuck at the airport. Because of the cancelled flight you couldn’t catch your connecting flights. So, you arrived two days later than expected. On the 28th.

You were exhausted and Jisung tried to convince his manager and Chan to stay until New Year. Luckily, he succeeded. You arrived at your hotel room and lay down to relax. Since you had texted Jisung and Changbin that you had arrived, you thought it was them who were basically hammering against your door.

“What?!”, you yelled, pissed because you didn’t want anything but sleep. You widened your eyes as you saw your fiancé standing in front of you.

“Care to tell me, when you arrived?”, he said, voice cold and he sounded like he was mad as fuck.

“J-just now”, you stammered, walked a bit back before you felt the wall against your back. He closed the door, saying nothing.

You thought he was going to yell at you, telling you how mad he was for not telling him. However, he started sobbing and hugged you tightly. “Why didn’t you tell me that you were going to come here? Why didn’t you call me the last few days? Do you know how much I needed you?!”, he sobbed.

You were so close to cry, too, but held back. “Channie… please don’t cry. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I wanted to surprise you. I actually planned on being here two days ago but my flight got cancelled and – “, you couldn’t continue talking because he pressed his lips on yours and kissed you. Passionately. You put your arms around his neck and pulled him closer. You just needed this right now.

“I… I’m sorry for ignoring you all this time”, you whispered. “I missed you so much, Channie.”

“I missed you, too. Now shut up and kiss me”, he giggled and kissed you once again.

“Y/N?”, he kissed you softly on your cheek as you woke up. “You awake, baby?”, he asked and you nodded as you turned around to him.

“Good morning”, you said smiling.

“God, I really missed you." He breathed out and pressed his face against your neck.

“We still need to talk, Channie”, you said. “Why didn’t you say how much you weren’t okay? Why did you smile when you were in pain? When you said you’re okay… were you really okay?”, you asked.

He sighed and shook his head. “It’s always like this. I’m depending on you too much. You play an even bigger role in my life than you ever would’ve thought. I realize that each time I’m on tour. Each tour breaks me even more.”

Chan was feeling a bit better after telling you all this. “It’s okay, Channie… let it out. You’ll feel better after all this. And after we return home I’ll take care of you. I won’t be leaving your side, yeah? I promise you”, you said.

“I love you, Y/N”, he said. “I don’t know what I would do, if I’d ever lose you.”

“I love you, too. And don’t you ever think that you’ll lose me. You’re stuck with me forever”, you giggled as he started tickling you. So, finally, the sparkles in his eyes were back.

You went on dates, were recognized by a lot of people since Stray Kids had gotten even more popular during the last few months. It was cute to see his fans recognize you when you were waiting for Chan to return from the bathroom or somewhere else on the middle of the street.

During New Year’s Eve you two sat on a bench close to the Harbour Bridge. You had a blanket over your shoulders and smiled the whole time. This short time you had spent together helped him a lot to feel better and a lot calmer.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me you could sing so well?”, he suddenly asked you, breaking the peaceful silence between you two. You giggled a bit and looked up at him.

“I wanted to surprise you with my voice. Also, I always felt insecure about my voice, so I never told you”, you answered.

“Well, but I can promise you, that your voice is wonderful”, Chan added and kissed you softly on your cheek. Right in that one second there was a flash and you looked up, being startled.

“Alright, let’s post it!”, Jeongin yelled.

“Don’t you dare…!”, Chan threatened but didn’t move a muscle. He just smiled as the fireworks exploded in the air and watched the beautiful colours disappear and get replaced by other beautiful fireworks.

That was the most important part.

Bang Chan finally smiled, because he was truly happy.

You totally loved it.

im sorry i ain’t been around but you've been on my mind a million times i'll make it up to you now we'll wrap the presents and put up the tree together be together baby, there's no better gift and now that i have you here that's when i feel it the most

'cause i've been gone so long but I kept holding on 'cause i need to show you just how much i love you this christmas is it the lights in your eyes? they've never shone so bright i've waited all year to be near to the one i've been missing, this christmas

listen to one ive been missing by little mix here ! 

spotify ; youtube

[finnyboywolfhard]

‘Tis the Damn Season

Steve Harrington x Reader

summary: based roughly on ‘tis the damn season by Taylor Swift. Reader comes home for the holidays after two years of being away.

warnings: cursing, angst, fluff

a/n: literally less than a minute into me hearing the song for the first time, I knew I needed to write this so pls enjoy ❤️

word count: 2.2k

Y/N loved going to school away from Hawkins. Getting to experience a life away from the small town that sucked the life from her and drained her happiness after a while. It had been almost two years since she had made the journey from her state school in California back to Indiana. It wasn’t like she didn’t miss her family, but it was just easier, and in all honesty better for her to stay there all year round. There was inevitably downfalls to that, having to work a full time job and also go to school, most holidays were spent alone and she had no idea what was happening in the lives of her old friends or her family for that matter. They would come visit every so often and there was frequent phone calls but it was never enough.

“Knock, knock!” Y/N said as she opened the door, her mom flying from the kitchen to wrap her daughter in her arms. 

“Oh how I’ve missed squeezing you!” Her mom said through a squished face. The girl started laughing at her mother’s reaction. The two exchanged small talk while they waltzed from the front door back to the kitchen. 

“So what’s new in the world of Hawkins?” Y/N said pouring herself a cup of coffee and sitting at her kitchen table, glancing to her mom every few movements. 

“Same old, same old, not much happens and not much changes. Mrs. Click retired last year, I know how much you loved her class.” The girls mind was flooded with memories of him. Steve Harrington, her first and maybe only love. She thought of all the times he would arrive to class late and then sloppily eat his bagel while Mrs.Click was trying her best to pull nearly every girls attention away from him. Maybe that’s why Y/N attracted him, she never stared the same way every girl did. 

“Maybe I’ll send her a letter or call her to see if she’d want to chat sometime. Anything else? Any new couples?:

“That Robin Buckley came home last Christmas with a girlfriend.”

“Wait she finally came out to her parents?” 

“You knew?” 

“Uh, yeah. I’ve known since the whole mall fiasco.” Her mother stayed silent as she continued to move with ease around the ever so familiar kitchen.

“Do you want to settle back in or would you want to come to the store with me?” 

“I can go with you, let me go change into something else, I’ve been in these clothes since I left LA.’’ The girl ran up to her old bedroom, grabbing the suitcases from the bottom of the steps were she had left them. As she entered the room, she was hit with a wave of memories. Pictures of Y/N and Steve covered her walls, she let out a sigh. 

 I won't ask you to wait if you don’t ask me to stay.

 “Y/N, stop, you’re being over dramatic.”

“Steve! No I’m not! I got into my dream school, where I’ve wanted to go for practically my entire life. You’re not supporting me!”

“It’s not that i don’t support you, I don’t want you to leave!”

“We can do the distance! We can call and i will come back for breaks, we can write letters! We can make it work, I don’t want to chose between you or my dream.” 

“Well I want you to.”

“Steve…”

“Y/N chose.”

“Then leave Steve.” 

Sure, Y/N could pretend that the reason she didn’t come home was because she would see Steve and become overwhelmed by everything that happened between them. Sure she could pretend that she doesn’t still think of him every single day. Sure she could pretend that if Steve asked she would do anything for him. But she wouldn’t let herself. She did what was going to be best for her future. He didn’t matter if he didn’t support that. Her mind snapped back to what she was supposed to be doing. 

“Shit.” She mumbled to herself as she realized how long she must have been zoned out for. She got dressed and ran downstairs. Her mom was standing at the door, placing items into her purse. 

“You ready?” She glanced at her daughter who was pantin from how quickly she tried to get down the stairs. 

“Yup!” The two piled into the car and began driving through town. Y/N shivered, no longer being acquainted with the colder weather that seemed permanent in Hawkins. 

 It’s the kind of cold, fogs up windshield glass, But I felt it when i passed you, There's an ache in you, put there by the ache in me

 Y/N attention was brought back to reality as they drove past the Family Video and he was outside getting into his car. The two made eye contact as the car moved past, the eye contact remaining unbroken until they physically could not see each other anymore. She felt a tension in her chest, he looked so good, but he also looked hurt. He didn’t have that same spark that drew her to him in the first place. And it shattered her to know that it was her fault. 

“Taking in the sights?“

“Mom!” Y/N yelled out of embarrassment 

“Oh please,. Rumor has it he hasn’t gone out with anyone since you left. He’s apparently turned down every girl that’s asked him out.”

“I mean, i haven't dated anyone since I've left either. I’ve gone on dates but nothing but flings.’ 

“Maybe you should reach out.’

“Yeah, sure.” She rolled her eyes and her mom changed the conversation to something about her dad. For the rest of the night, she just spent as much time as she could attached to every member of her family’s hip. These moments were making her regret not coming back sooner a little more. 

 Now I’m missing your smile, hear me out

 She found her way back to her bedroom and found a photo of her and Steve that one of the kids took. 

“Steve!” The girl giggled out as the boy pulled her tightly to his body, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her cheek. Through her fit of giggles, his smile still shone brighter than her own. To Y/N, anything he did was brighter than hers and she was more than alright with that. Everything he did was perfect, he was the dream boyfriend. She loved each and every inch of him, no matter how often he annoyed her or how often he would say something that made little to no sense, it didn’t matter. If it was Steve, it was perfect. 

“What? You don’t want my kisses?” He faked a pout. She rolled her eyes and turned her face to look at him and touch her lips to his own. His eyes gleefully filled up with joy and he overdramatically said “you want my kisses!’

‘I’ll always want your kisses.” She said smiling, and he smiled back making pristine eye contact, only a flash tore their attention away from one another.

She pulled her eyes away from the photo in her hand, setting it down where she had just picked it up. She put her pajamas on and got comfy in her old bed. 

When she woke up the next morning, for some reason something was calling her to just go for a drive. 

 I parkеd my car right between the Methodist And thе school that used to be ours

 She drove around the town observing all of the vaguely familiar settings, remembering each moment she had connected to the setting. As she parked her car a little down from the high school, she focused on her breathing for the first time in a while. She got out of her drivers seat and out of the car, grabbed a book from her backseat and went to sit on the lawn sprawled beside her. As she walked down the hill, she noticed a figure. As she approached, the figure became clearer and clearer. Steve. 

“Hey.” She called out to him, his head snapped up to look at her standing over him. 

“Hey Y/N, long time no see.”

“Two years.” She said, she waved her hand a bit to ask if she could sit next to him and he nodded his head yes before he continued. 

“How have you been?’ 

“Good! Busy as hell, but good. What about you Stevie?” The nickname slipped out without much thought at all. 

“I’ve been doing my best. I am now manager at Family Video, Keith left.”

“Damn, for real?’ He nodded his head yes and she shook hers in disbelief. “I heard about Rob’s girlfriend. Well, I heard that she had one.’ 

“Oh! Yeah! Her name is Marie and she’s really nice. They’re a good match, she’s just as smart as Robin, I can barely keep up with them.” 

“Who could realistically ever keep up with Robin, let alone Robin and someone just like her.” The two let out dry laughs, which helped to relax some of the weird tension between the two. 

“How long are you here?”

“Just for the holidays, I’m only staying with my parents until the second week of January.” 

“Ahh.” The tone of his voice switched to one much sadder. The air hung still, neither of their voices filling the space anymore. She spoke before she could think. 

“Would you wanna drive around later? Look at lights? For old times sake?” She looked at him with pleading, hopeful eyes. He looked back at her, searching her face to make sure it wasn’t a joke. 

“Uhh, yeah. I mean...I’m meeting Robin and Marie at like 9 to hang out for a little bit, but I’m sure she wouldn’t mind if you tagged along.” 

“I don’t want to intrude.’

“You’re not intruding if I’m inviting you Y/N/N.” For a moment, it felt like the past. It was as if they teleported back to when things weren’t like they were now. But what’s stopping them from letting things be like the past while she’s home? The only heart that would be breaking even more would be hers. 

 We could call it even, you could call me babe for the weekend, ‘tis the damn season 

 He rang the doorbell a little after eight, and she rushed to her door before any of her family. She yelled out a goodbye and they walked out the door and over to his car. 

‘So, school? How is that?”

“It’s hell, but what else was to be expected.” 

“And you’re still a film major? Nothing has changed?”

“Yes sir, still a film major.’

“You’d be impressed, I am starting to actually remember the names of movies!’

“That’s a big step for you, consider me proud.”

“Thanks babe.” It slipped out of his mouth without a thought. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that it just kinda came out.” She let her hand reach out and rest on his thigh. 

“It’s okay, we call each other babe for the time being, no big deal.” 

‘Tis the damn season.” Steve let out in a huffed breath. The two kept chatting and the car got more and more comfortable, they fell into their old rhythm. It felt like the road she chose to go down, didn’t ruin everything. He pulled up to the diner they were meeting Robin and her girlfriend at and sat patiently in Steve’s car. Their heads were leaning back against the head rests and they were looking into each other’s eyes. He reaches over and grazes her face. She pulls in a breath as he shows her the eyelash now sitting atop his finger. 

‘Make your wish.” He said gently, she closed her eyes to think for a second and blew the eyelash from his finger softly. She looked back up into his eyes and smiled. The neon lights shone down from the sign through his windshield and grazed his face, framing it and shaping it with a red hue. He looked angelic. 

‘What’re you thinking about?” Steve asked quietly, not entirely sure why he was being so quiet. 

“Nothing.” She said, trying to push past the feelings building inside her. She fakes a smile. 

“Don’t do that, you know I can tell when you’re lying. What’re you thinking about?”

“I’m thinking about how beautiful you look and how much i want to kiss you, but I know I shouldn’t.”

“Maybe that’s the reason why you should.” He reaches his hand over to cup her cheek, rubbing his thumb against her cheek as her leans closer. Their lips meet in the middle, colliding with a gentle passion that filled Y/N with relief. Although the pain of the past hung around like old perfume, it seemed to be patched by this kiss. His lips were plump and soft, his hands against her skin were rough but tender. He fit with her perfectly, and there was no one on earth who she likes kissing more. As they pulled apart, their eyes never lost contact. 

It didn’t matter in that moment that she was leaving again in a month, or the fact that Robin had gotten there in the middle. Nothing mattered in that minute. Because all of those moments where they missed one another were mended right now. And somehow, even though she chose a different path, it still led her to her hometown. It led her to Steve.

[ollieofthebeholder]

leaves too high to touch (roots too strong to fall): a TMA fanfic

Read from the beginning on Tumblr || Also on AO3

Chapter 50: Jon

“Do you have anything to declare?” the rather bored-looking man behind the counter asks without looking up from the paperwork.

For a brief second, Jon oscillates between how would you react if I told you what was in my pocket and yes, I declare this to be a complete waste of time, but he’s anxious to get this over with, so he simply says, “No, nothing.”

The man rattles off a few more standard questions, which Jon answers with only about half his attention. His eyes keep wandering over to the gates, just a dozen or so yards away. It’s so close, he’s almost there…

“Right, that’s everything,” the man says at last. He stamps Jon’s passport and pushes it, along with the requisite forms, over the counter. “Welcome to London. Next!”

Jon moves towards the down escalators, awkwardly attempting to stuff the papers back into his bag as he walks. Well, technically walks. He’s moving at a fast clip that doesn’t quite count as a run but could probably keep up with one. Part of his brain wanders off down the path of linguistics and semantics, trying to figure out what distinguishes a run from a fast walk, but most of it is preoccupied with what’s on the other side of those gates. Through the portal, down the stairs, outside and to the Tube station; he’s not thrilled about it, actually, but under the circumstances, it’s the best he’s going to be able to do.

Damn Julia for destroying his phone. Again. Nowhere has pay phones anymore, either. God, they’re going to be so worried, he promised to check in and he didn’t and now he’s a whole day overdue from what he originally said would be the latest he’d be back. The trains should be running, even this early, he should be able to get home before they have to leave for the Institute, and if he doesn’t he can just go the rest of the way to the Institute and meet them there…

He’s tired, he’s jet-lagged, he’s stressed. He’s used up too much of himself, given in to the Eye more than he should, and it’s overwhelming. He’s learned virtually nothing useful on this trip and he just wants to be home. He feels like he could sleep for a week. Or at least like he wants to.

When this is all over, he promises himself. When it’s all over, after the Unknowing, if Elias is still around, Jon will insist on vacation time for himself and his team members. They need the downtime, and Jon won’t lie, the idea of getting to spend a few weeks with just Martin and Tim is appealing. For the moment, though, he’ll have to settle for a few hours.

He would dearly love to take the day off. But Elias has made it clear that he wants them to think time is of the essence, so he can’t tip his hand and stay out too long. Maybe they can come in late. On second thought, though—he glances quickly at the outsize clock on the wall—he’s not going to make it home in time for much more than a quick nap, if that, before they have to leave. Maybe he should just go straight to the Institute, use the phone in the Archives to call and say he’s back, and curl up on the cot he still keeps in the storage room. He can at least get some rest, maybe—

“Jon! Jon!”

Jon’s head jerks up and whips around. He doesn’t have any checked luggage, so he just kept going and he’s crossed the line from the passengers-only area to the public area, but he hasn’t been paying attention to much around him. There’s a bit of a crowd, but not so much of one he can’t see Tim and Martin watching him from a few yards away.

Jon breaks into a run, never taking his eyes off of the two people he’s wanted most to see as they do the same towards him. He somehow manages to avoid tripping on a small child dragging a rolling suitcase and flings himself into their arms.

For the first time in almost two weeks, he feels some of the tension leave his body. Martin is soft, Tim is solid, both of them are warm, and he’s safe here. The song the Primes danced to, the night the three of them moved into their house, floats through his head, and he clings to Tim and Martin and inhales the scent he’s come to associate with home. For a long time, they just stand there clutching one another.

“Melanie’s right,” he says at last. “Jet lag sucks.”

Tim and Martin both laugh, a little desperately. Jon laughs, too, and looks up. Martin has at least a day’s worth of stubble growing on his chin and Tim’s shirt is inside out. It looks like they just rolled out of bed and came straight for the airport, or…oh, God. “Tell me you two haven’t been sitting here waiting for me since yesterday.”

“We thought about it, but no,” Tim assures him. “The Primes called and said you’d be coming in this morning.”

“We got them one of those throwaway phones,” Martin adds. “Honestly, we should’ve done that a long time ago, but…it’s a long story. We’ll tell you about it when you’ve had a chance to get some rest. You look exhausted.”

“So do you.” Jon looks from Martin to Tim and back again. “I’m sure we can take a half-day without anyone getting too upset. Do you think Sasha and Melanie will handle things for us?”

“Sasha owes us,” Tim says. He eases back but keeps one arm around Jon; Martin does the same. Jon shifts his arms so they’re behind Tim and Martin’s waists. “She’s taken a fair bit of time off these last couple weeks—and it’s for good reason, so don’t think I’m saying otherwise. But she owes us. I’m sure she’ll hold down the fort for a couple hours.”

“I’ll text Melanie when we get to the car and see what she says,” Martin offers.

They walk out of the terminal together and to where Tim has parked his car. Jon half-expects they’ll talk on the way home, but they don’t; he really is exhausted and he can tell they’re tired, too, so the ride is made in silence. None of them speak when they get to the house, either. They just head inside, where Tim and Martin pull Jon into the bedroom and none of them really bother to change into their sleep clothes, just shuck their outer layers and collapse into bed together.

Jon is plagued by his usual nightmares, plus a couple new ones, but honestly, at this point he’s used to them. He wakes up abruptly, but not screaming, and is momentarily disorientated by the brightness of the room and the awareness of another presence in the bed before he registers that he’s back where he belongs, safe and secure between Martin and Tim. Well, between is stretching it a bit; among might be a better word to use. They’ve somehow managed to end up in a tangled pile of limbs and extremities. Jon’s cheek is pillowed on the soft, warm fleshiness of Martin’s upper arm, his neck fitting easily into Martin’s elbow, and one of Tim’s legs is hooked over Jon’s hip. He normally doesn’t like the sensation of skin against skin, or at least he hasn’t with anyone he’s ever been with, but this feels…right.

Something clicks into place, all at once, and it makes his breath catch in his throat. When he called to talk to Tim and Martin because he needed to hear their voices, he didn’t expect to get so relaxed and comfortable that he stopped thinking before he spoke, and as soon as he heard the words love you both slide out of his mouth he panicked and ended the call before giving them a chance to reply. He’s spent as much of the last three or so days as he can—when he can spare the brainpower for it—turning his feelings over and over and trying to analyze them. He doesn’t doubt he meant those words, but he’s been trying to parse out what he meant by them and what it means for them all. Everything he’s been through between then and now has meant he’s been a bit stressed, a bit on edge, and hasn’t really had a lot of time to think about it clearly.

Now, though, he thinks about the safe and secure feeling he gets when he’s in their arms like this, about the desperate way he’s mentally cried out for both of them every time he’s been in danger, but also about the moments of deep and utter happiness they’ve shared over the last year, the nights they’ve laughed so hard they start crying, the afternoons they’ve spent with Charlie in their kitchen. He thinks about falling out of Helen’s tunnels into their arms and the perfect moment of joy when he saw their faces in the airport. Most poignantly, he thinks of the yawning chasm that seemed to open up the minute he crossed beyond the security barrier when he left London two weeks ago—the empty blackness that separated him from Martin and Tim—and for the first time, everything coalesces into pure certainty.

Love you both. Of course he does. He loves both of them with a depth he’s never felt before, and it scares the hell out of him because he runs the risk of losing them both to what’s coming. At the same time, it fills him with a sense of utter peace, because he has them now.

He wishes they could just stay like this a little longer, but an alarm he hasn’t realized someone set goes off and both Martin and Tim stir with varying noises of dismay. They’ve got to get up, got to get to the Institute. Still, Jon clings to them both for a moment more before, reluctantly, he climbs out of bed to go take a shower.

Tim drives them to work, and none of them argue.

Sasha meets Jon with a huge hug when he walks in. Surprisingly, Melanie offers him one, too. It’s a bit stiff, but it feels genuine, and Jon takes it willingly.

“I’m sorry you’re trapped here,” he tells her. “But for what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here.”

Melanie shrugs. “My choice. Maybe one I shouldn’t have made, but still…my choice. Glad I can help. Now tell me what I need to do.”

Jon’s more grateful to her than he can express. Looking around at the Archives, at the assistants, at his family, he can see now what he wouldn’t let himself see before: Sasha’s hunger, Tim’s exhaustion, Martin’s strain. They’re all on edge and they’re all walking a fine line. Melanie hasn’t fallen as hard as they have; she’s still just a regular assistant. Still a bit of an outsider looking in. She’s far enough away from all of this that she can…well, she can’t walk away, but she’s at least not having her soul sucked out of her body with every step she takes. And she’s choosing to be here, choosing to help. She’s someone he can trust to protect his people without reservation or hesitation.

And if what the Primes have said is even half true, which it seems to be, she can probably handle herself almost better than the rest of them.

“For starters, I’d like to hear what you’ve been up to while I’ve been gone,” Jon says. “Then, perhaps, I can tell you what I’ve been up to. We—we need to make plans.”

“War room or downstairs?” Sasha asks. “Either one should be fine. Elias left sick about twenty minutes ago, so we can all convene without him knowing.”

Jon is startled. “How do you know?”

Melanie looks gleeful. “Sasha went up to tell him you were back and that you’d be in later today and all that, and while she had him distracted, I distracted Rosie and mixed laxatives in with the creamer she was putting in his coffee. A lot of laxatives.”

“The whole building heard him, practically.” Sasha smirks. “Rosie wanted to call him an ambulance, but he insisted he’d be fine to get home on his own and that he just needed rest or something like that. I didn’t read his mind,” she adds, evidently catching something in Jon’s expression. “Or hers. Manal told me.”

“See, this is why I drink tea,” Martin says with a straight face.

Jon is torn between wanting to laugh and wanting to scold them both for recklessness. Instead, he says, “If you’re sure…let’s go ahead and do this up here. The seating’s a bit more comfortable.”

Melanie turns on her heel. “I’ll go get them.”

Jon ducks into his office only long enough to grab a couple of things, then joins the others in the War Room. There are a couple of additional pins on the board and a new color of string; considering it stretches from London to Beijing to start bouncing around the States, Jon guesses it’s tracing his journey. The whiteboard has a list of the most common names and places they’ve seen in the statements, with tally marks indicating how many statements they’ve come up with for each, but Sasha begins erasing it with the explanation that they’ve already made a more permanent copy of those notes. They’ve also set up a secondary tea station in the room itself, which Jon appreciates, since it means Martin doesn’t have to be out of his sight for the length of time it would take him to brew tea for them all.

God, the separation anxiety is terrible.

Melanie arrives with the Primes just as Martin finishes up the tea; Jon Prime crosses over to where Jon stands, smiling wanly, and pulls him into a hug. “I hope your trip went better than mine,” he murmurs in Jon’s ear.

“I doubt it,” Jon mutters back. Jon Prime sighs regretfully and lets him go.

He gets a hug from Martin Prime, too, and then they all settle into seats in a rough semicircle around the boards and single desk. Jon brings the mug of tea to his lips and inhales for a moment. Jon Prime is right, it doesn’t taste as good when Martin doesn’t make it. “Right,” he says at last. “Fill me in. What have I missed?”

“Not much, honestly,” Tim says. “A few live statements, Elias being a dick, and…whatever that mess was on Tuesday. But we haven’t been able to find much about the Unknowing.”

Jon is instantly on edge. “Tuesday? What happened on Tuesday?”

“Pick something,” Melanie mutters, with just a bit of an edge to it.

Martin sighs. “Peter Lukas was here.”

“What?” Jon barely manages to stop from dropping his mug. “I-I thought—I thought the deal was that he had to stay away from you.”

“The Institute doesn’t show up in those pictures in the Light, apparently, so there’s no way for the Keeper to actually know he violated the contract,” Martin says. “Unless someone tells him, which, well, if I can figure out how to find him, I’m going to. I got it on tape, at least, so there’s evidence. But yeah, apparently he had a meeting with Elias and made a trip down here first.”

Upset, Jon reaches over to touch Martin’s arm lightly. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine. I’ll admit it was a bit rough, but that’s just because I was already kind of…not at my best. I took a live statement two days in a row,” Martin admits, wincing under Jon’s look. “But anything he did to me, I got over pretty quickly.”

Jon doesn’t like the emphasis Martin places on the word me, but when he turns to scan the others, he realizes the one who looks the worst off is Martin Prime. Jon Prime meets his eyes, and his lips flatten. “Peter Lukas trails the Lonely after him. I wasn’t here,” he says softly. “Martin woke up alone and…”

“It was a bit touch and go,” Martin Prime says. “But we’re all right.”

“Where were you?” Jon asks his counterpart. It’s not like him to go haring off around London, especially during the day.

“Hill Top Road. Your team found a statement I remembered…when Martin brought it to me the first time, I remember being tempted to investigate but feeling very strongly that I shouldn’t. I had the same feeling this time, so I went,” Jon Prime answers. “I thought I might get some…useful information.”

“Did you?”

“Not about the Unknowing.”

Jon waits a second, but it’s obvious Jon Prime isn’t going to say further, and he decides not to push him. Sasha evidently comes to the same conclusion. “I feel bad that I missed all of this, but I was out for the afternoon. My uncle called and wanted to talk to me, so everyone told me to just go.”

“Is everything all right?” Jon asks.

“Depends on your definition of ‘all right’,” Sasha replies. “He’s being released next week. Which is great, and I’m actually quite excited about it. But he also—he had a statement.” She points at the shelves. “Tape’s in there if you want to listen to it later, but short version, the Corruption killed my parents and grandparents. Uncle Wade and I probably had a lucky escape ourselves.”

“Sasha, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault. Anyway, that was basically all that happened with us while you were gone. What about you?” Sasha pushes her glasses up her nose with her middle finger. “Did you learn anything useful while you were gone?”

“Maybe? Not by actually following Gertrude’s path, though.” Jon takes a sip of tea to brace himself, then sets it on the desk and takes a deep breath. “Did Martin and Tim tell you about what I found in Chicago and Pittsburgh?”

“Fat lot of nothing,” Melanie says. “Except for the fact that Gertrude Robinson managed to not actually get charged with anything after being arrested.”

“Essentially, yes.” Jon glances from Martin to Tim and back, knowing they’re going to be upset. “As you know, then, I planned to take the bus from Pittsburgh to D.C., then fly home. I should have been home yesterday. But…well, the bus I was on made a stop to allow us to stretch, and I was…accosted.”

“Jon,” Tim says, “did you get kidnapped again?”

“Only a little,” Jon protests. He knows how feeble it sounds, but it does at least get a surprised laugh out of Martin. “I’d—I’d had a feeling I was being followed since I landed in Chicago, but by the time I got to Pittsburgh…I’m sorry I didn’t say anything while we were on the phone on Monday, but I-I didn’t want to worry you two unnecessarily. But by then I was sure. I had hoped the cop that was stalking me would be left behind, but no, he was still after me when the bus stopped.”

“You got kidnapped by a cop?” Martin’s voice rose a bit in pitch.

Jon shook his head. “No, by someone chasing that cop. Alleged cop, anyway. You recall that statement last year, the—the anatomy professor with the students with the strange names?”

“Wh—oh, yeah, the Stranger statement. First live one after…” Martin waves a hand around the room, indicating the Primes, the timeline on the whiteboard, and his own scars.

“Well, apparently one of them was hiding out as a Chicago beat cop. Must have recognized me, or at least spotted the Eye’s influence on me. But he didn’t actually manage to get to me. I got kidnapped—or escorted, as she would have it—by Julia Montauk.”

Sasha’s eyes widen. “Robert Montauk’s daughter?”

Jon nods. “She’s working with Trevor Herbert. The vampire hunter. He’s still alive…somehow. They’re over in America hunting…monsters. Mostly.” He shivers slightly, remembering the smug sneer on the man’s face: The line gets blurrier every day. Could he…no. No, he won’t think about that.

Martin and Tim both reach for Jon’s hands at the same instant. He clasps them both, grateful for the connection. Melanie frowns. “Fill me in. Who are these people?”

“Robert Montauk was a serial killer, but he was also working with the Dark,” Sasha tells her. “Julia Montauk was, well, his daughter. She gave a statement a few years back. Trevor Herbert was a man who spent basically his whole life hunting vampires. Or at least that’s what he calls them. There’s this whole…thing. We thought at first he died of lung cancer, like, literally in the middle of making his statement, but apparently he survived.”

Melanie taps her finger on her mug. Her eyes go vacant for a moment. Before Jon can continue, though, she turns to Jon Prime. “So is he part of the End or the Hunt?”

“The Hunt,” Jon Prime says, looking surprised. “Why do you ask?”

“I thought so, but the whole cheating-death thing made me wonder, that’s all.”

“A lot of—of avatars have cheated death, in one way or another,” Jon Prime says slowly. “But it’s their patrons, I suppose, keeping them alive. One more favor.”

Melanie hums. “’S irrelevant, I guess. Anyway, I’m up to speed now. Go on. You got kidnapped by a Hunter and—the daughter of the Dark?”

“She’s with the Hunt now, too. I got their statement while we waited for Max Mustermann to—well, regrow a body.” Jon shudders a bit again. It was all a bit grisly. “They obviously didn’t know anything about the Unknowing, but I was hoping Mustermann would.”

“Did he?” Martin asks softly.

Jon sighs. “Mostly what we already knew. He didn’t even know when it was set to happen, just ‘when things are ready.’ I’d have tried more questions, but Trevor and Julia decided they weren’t going to get anything else useful out of him and dispatched him.”

Tim sighs, too. “So you got a net total of…nothing.”

“Not quite. Julia and Trevor offered me a—a thank-you of sorts, for helping them catch Mustermann. Apparently they’d been after him for some time.” Jon lets go of Tim and Martin’s hands and reaches into his pocket. “I made a deal at the time. Bring this back to England, promise to dispose of it after, and I’d get all the information I needed.”

Jon Prime chuckles slightly. “That sounds familiar.”

Jon pulls out the folded page he’s been carrying for two days. Martin eyes it apprehensively. “Jon…what did you do?”

Melanie leans forward. “Is that—leather?”

“Technically, I think leather has to be tanned first. It’s just skin.” Jon studies it. “There’s a book—Mary Keay had it. It’s got pages on it with—it’s hard to explain, but the pages are sort of…possessed by the spirits of people who’ve died. Technically, mostly people she murdered. Gertrude Robinson knew how to do it too, and…she bound Gerry into it. Uh, Gerard Keay.”

Sasha’s eyebrows shoot up. “Gertrude Robinson murdered Gerard Keay?”

“No.” Jon reconsiders. “Not technically, but I’m inclined to hold her responsible. She had to have known how little time he had left—his cancer was incredibly advanced when he was admitted to the hospital. But I-I don’t think violent death is necessarily a prerequisite for being bound into the book, just…fresh death. I wouldn’t know.”

“You’re right.” Jon Prime massages his temple with one hand, eyes closed. “I would rather not know those details, but unfortunately I do.”

Martin Prime slides a hand between Jon Prime’s shoulder blades and rubs gently; Jon Prime leans into him and sighs, almost inaudibly. Martin studies the page in Jon’s hand. “So what did he tell you? I—I’m guessing you…summoned him.”

“Nothing yet,” Jon answers. “Like I said…he promised to tell me everything he could if I would just bring him back here, and then burn the page after we’re done.”

He unfolds the page, takes a deep breath, and begins to read aloud. As the last time, the air grows thick and heavy, and the words taste bitter on his tongue. He aches with sympathy for the dying—technically the dead, but reading it, he feels there, the same way he does when he reads the statements.

“‘And so Gerard Keay ended,’” he concludes, lowering the page. And just like last time, there the figure is in front of him, with no clear idea of when he appeared or how he got there. Martin makes a strangled noise of surprise. Jon can’t help but smile a bit as he makes eye contact with the specter. “Welcome home, Gerry.”

Gerry grins and makes an ironic little half-bow. “Archivist.”

“My friends call me Jon.” Jon waves a hand around him. “And speaking of…this is my team.”

He introduces each one of them in turn, including the Primes. Gerry is particularly startled to see them. “Time travel? I didn’t know that was possible. How’d you do it?”

“Spiral,” Martin Prime says succinctly. “Not the best option in the world.”

Gerry studies Martin Prime for a minute, then gives Jon Prime a meaningful glance with a raised eyebrow. Jon Prime rolls his eyes, but there’s a fond smile on his face as he kisses Martin Prime’s temple. Martin Prime relaxes a little, and it occurs to Jon, all of a sudden, that he’s jealous, at least a little bit.

Turning back to Jon, Gerry folds his arms across his chest. “All right. I suppose you’ve got questions.”

“Just one,” Jon answers. “How did Gertrude plan to stop the Unknowing?”

He knows what the Primes did, but he’s hoping against hope Gertrude might have had a different plan. Blowing up a factory will work, but he’s afraid to let Tim get that close to an explosion in the name of revenge. Unless there’s a way to do it long-range…

“Don’t know,” Gerry says casually.

Melanie throws up her hands dramatically. “Great! Just great. Big help.”

“Hey, now,” Gerry protests. “Okay, I don’t know exactly, but…Gertrude reckoned it couldn’t be stopped ahead of time. It could be delayed, but nothing we could do would actually stop it properly. Even the Dancer could be replaced. But once it starts, it might be vulnerable.”

“Vulnerable to what?” Melanie presses.

“I dunno.”

Melanie lets out a string of profanity that would have had Jon’s grandmother washing his mouth out with soap and salt water. Sasha hides a laugh behind a cough. “Seriously, she never said?”

Gerry’s eyes twinkle. Jon’s pretty sure he’s enjoying teasing them. “She did say she had something that might disrupt it.”

Sasha rolls her hand in a go on gesture. “What?”

“Not long before I went into the hospital, she told me that if something got her first, I was…” Gerry pauses, and there’s a flash of pain in his eyes. Jon realizes he really, truly did care about Gertrude, in his own way. “There’s a storage unit on an industrial estate up near Hainault. She said she rented it under the name Jan Kelly, and hid the key somewhere in the Archives.”

Jon remembers the key he found under the floorboards with Gertrude’s laptop. “Oh. Uh, I think I found that, actually.”

“Well, it’s in that storage unit,” Gerry says. “Whatever she thought might disrupt the ritual, stop the Unknowing, that’s where it is.”

“But you don’t know what it is.” With a sinking feeling, Jon realizes it has to be some kind of explosive.

“No,” Gerry answers. “When I asked her, she said she’d show me when we got back to London. Mind you, she had this weird look in her eyes, like it was some kind of joke.”

Melanie sighs. “So we’ve got a net gain of…a storage unit.”

“Hey, at least I know where to go now,” Jon points out. “It’s something, at least.”

Gerry looks around at them, then turns to the Primes. “Did it work when you did it?”

“It did,” Jon Prime says quietly. “But we lost a lot in the process. We were hoping there might be another method.”

“I reckon if there was, Gertrude would’ve had more than one plan set up,” Gerry says. “She was like that. Never put all your eggs in one basket unless you only have one basket, or you’re damned sure of it.”

“Or you don’t have that many hens,” Sasha says.

Jon sighs and nods. “Thank you, Gerry.”

“Sure. Glad to help what I could.” Gerry studies Jon thoughtfully. “Don’t forget what you promised.”

“As soon as we’re done here.”

Gerry nods. “I think I’m ready to go now. Thank you. For bringing me home.”

“Of course. Uh…I dismiss you,” Jon says, a bit awkwardly.

Gerry sighs in relief and smiles. He gives a wink and a thumbs-up to Martin and Tim, and then he’s gone.

Jon sighs, too. He folds the page back up, then goes over to the metal trash can in the corner, drops it in, and fishes out the spiderweb lighter he keeps finding in his pocket even though he has definitely quit smoking. “Right,” he says, mostly to himself, then lights the page on fire.

None of them speak while the page crumbles away to ashes. Once it’s done, Tim exhales heavily and slumps in his chair, rubbing at his temples with his eyes closed. “Christ, that hurt.”

“Hang on.” Martin grabs Tim’s mug and brushes a hand gently against his cheek before hurrying over to the tea station.

Jon barely stops himself from dropping the trash can and hurries back to Tim’s side. “Are you all right? What’s wrong?”

“I’ll be okay. Just—lot of power, you know? It’s getting harder and harder to stop from seeing the marks without trying, and the—the page itself was bad enough, but watching it burn—I don’t know why, but it was painful.” Tim takes a few deep, slow breaths. “I’m okay, Jon, honest.”

Jon doesn’t move from Tim’s side until Martin comes back with the tea and slides it into his hands. After a few moments of inhaling the tea, with Jon on one side of him and Martin on the other, Tim finally looks up and manages a smile. “Sorry for worrying you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Tim.” Jon takes a chance and brushes the hair on the back of Tim’s neck lightly. “How are you feeling?”

“Bit drained,” Tim admits. “Should be okay tomorrow.”

Jon Prime sighs. “Tim, if you’re using your abilities…whether you mean to or not, you’re going to need a statement to really recover well.”

Melanie half-rises from her seat. “I can go try and grab you one. Then you can, I don’t know, read it while we go look at this storage unit?”

“We can do that later,” Jon says, waving her to sit down. “Look at the storage unit, I mean. As for the statement…” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tape Tim locked in his desk drawer weeks ago, the one labeled in Gertrude’s distinctive handwriting with nothing more than a date and location. He holds it up to show everyone. “This is the statement we’re pretty sure is my father’s. Anyone who wants to can leave…but I think it’s time we listen to it.”

[amazingphanisnotonfire-imagines]

Sweet Pea//you’re too hard to forget

Request: Hey!! Love your writing! Are you able to write a song imagine for the song lie to me by 5sos and Julia Michaels.. for reader x sweet pea when they broke up and seeing other people but still think of each other? Thankyou!! 🧡

hey! i looooove this song and i loved writing this! also it’s very angsty so be warned i hope you enjoy! 

Red Rose Hall is everything Toni and Cheryl hyped it up to be. High ceilings, bright white walls, soft gold decor, chandeliers, candlesticks that are definitely made out of solid gold and enough room in just the entrance to fit at least half of Riverdale’s population in. 

It seems half of Riverdale’s population is here tonight, as well as at least another 100 people that Sweet Pea has never met before. But what else does he expect from Cheryl and Toni. 

The invitation he’d received for their engagement would probably fit in as decor here, and he clutches it tightly as he walks through the large wooden doors. 

An older man in a suit offers him champagne and he takes it gratefully, suddenly feeling underdressed in the only suit he owns. He fiddles with his tie, trying to hide the ketchup stain that he can’t quite get out. 

“This is amazing.” A voice says in awe and suddenly he remembers that he isn’t here alone. “And this is just their engagement party?” Cece asks, her dark hair falling straight down her back and over her pale blue dress. 

“Er-yeah.” He says, handing her a glass of champagne. “Cheryl is very...out there.”

“You’re telling me.” She laughs and takes a sip. “Holy shit, is that an ice sculpture?” Her eyes widen and Sweet Pea follows her gaze until they’re both staring at a huge sculpture of Cheryl and Toni.

“That is-”

“Wonderful!” Cheryl’s cheery voice makes both Sweet Pea and Cece jump before turning around to face her. Toni stands beside her, and her and Sweet Pea share a look. 

It’s been well over a year since they last saw each other, but they don’t even have to say anything to know what the other is thinking. 

“Yes. Thats what I was just about to say.” Sweet Pea says, glancing quickly at Toni who stifles a laugh. “How are you Cheryl?” 

“Fantastic.” She replies. “Me and my future wife to be have been enjoying engaged life.” 

“You don’t need to tell us about that.” He interrupts and Cheryl hits his arm, sending him a sharp glare. 

“Not like that...but thats been great too.” She smirks and nudges Toni. “Are you going to introduce us?” She asks, staring straight at Cece. 

Sweet Pea sighs and braces himself for the grilling he’s going to get. Toni won’t be as bad, but Cheryl was more your friend than his, and now he’s brought a new woman, he’s definitely going to have to watch his back. 

Speaking of you, he wonders if you’re here. Of course you are. You’d never miss this, but the room is so big and he feels so small compared to it. He used to always be able to find you in a room, it was a secret talent of his, or maybe it was you just drawing him to yourself constantly. Tonight however, he can’t see you anywhere and he doesn’t know if thats a good or bad thing. 

“This is Cece.” He says and gestures to the woman holding onto his arm. She waves awkwardly at Toni and Cheryl and they both smile back at her. Cheryl’s is a lot faker than Toni’s but thankfully she doesn’t notice. “Cece, this is Toni and Cheryl.” 

“It’s really nice to meet you both.” Cece replies, a sweet smile on her face. It’s no where near yours, but that’s what Sweet Pea likes about her. She’s the complete opposite of you and thats just what he needs. “And congratulations.” 

“Thank you.” Toni says sincerely. 

“Yeah. Thank you.” Cheryl adds. “It was lovely seeing you again Sweet Pea, and nice meeting you Cece. But there’s lots of people here and we need to talk to everyone. You can put your gift on that table over there.” 

“We didn’t bring anythi-” 

“Money is fine.” She cuts him off, calling over her shoulder. 

“Sorry.” Toni mumbles before following Cheryl. 

Despite Cheryl’s grating personality, it’s nice to know not everything has changed since the last time he saw everyone. Cheryl is still as rude as ever, Toni still apologizes for her and they’re both still very extra. 

“Do they really need anymore presents?” Cece asks and points to the large table in the corner of the room. Its stacked full of gift bags and huge boxes and Sweet Pea’s eye widen at the sheer amount of stuff they probably already have. 

His eyes scan the room, looking out for anyone else he knows. Hopefully Fangs is around somewhere and three of them can sit at a table near the back until it’s acceptable to go to the very expensive rooms they’ve been forced into paying for and staying in tonight.  

He does find Fangs, standing with a grin on his face and two champagne glasses in hand as he talks to a guy with curly brown hair, glasses and a suit that looks like Sweet Pea pulled his out of the trash. 

His eyebrows furrow in confusion, he doesn’t remember Fangs mentioning a new boyfriend the last time they text. But when he looks at the guy properly, he notices he’s also holding two champagne glasses and now he’s even more confused. 

That is until he see’s you, approaching the pair of them with another girl walking beside you. You both stop the conversation you’re having to greet Fangs and the mystery guy and they hand each of you a champagne glass. 

The other girl stands beside Fangs and he quickly realizes its Jade from  school, he then chuckles quietly to himself, momentarily forgetting about you and whoever he is, because can you imagine Jade and Fangs together? They are definitely not each others type. 

His smile disappears however once he see’s you reach up and press a kiss to mystery guy’s cheek. 

You brought someone else. 

Okay, so did he, but that’s beside the point. 

You look good, but different. It’s been a year since you saw each other so he’s not surprised you’ve changed, he’s just surprised by how much. 

You look like a completely new person. Like you changed over night. Your hair is longer, your makeup and style different and you look confident. A lot more confident that the last time he say you. You still capture an entire room when you walk into it, but now its like you know you’re doing it. 

He feels frozen, everything about you is so different, yet it feels so familiar to him and he can’t stop looking at you. Even when you throw your head back in laughter at something Fangs has said and when you look around, acutely aware that someone is watching you. Even when you notice him looking at you from across the room, Sweet Pea still doesn’t look away. 

You send him a polite smile before turning your attention back to your new boyfriend. Sweet Pea continues to watch, hoping that you’ll glance at him again, but you don’t. You don’t even attempt to look at him again and he feels his heart sink. 

“Sweet Pea? Are you okay?” Cece asks, pulling him from his thoughts and his heart sinks even further at Cece’s worried expressions. He doesn’t deserve her and neither did you, which is why you’re both here with other people instead of each other. 

At least you look happy. Or at least you’re trying to. Your smile reaches your eyes, but it doesn’t make them light up like it used to. He wonders if he did that to you or if its because of the new guy you’re with. He hopes it wasn’t him, but he can’t shake the gut feeling that it was. 

“Yeah.” He nods, finally dragging his eyes away from your figure. They settle on Cece and she smiles at him warmly, but he can tell she noticed. There’s just a hint of disappointment resting behind her eyes. “I’m fine. Do you want to find our table?” He asks, wanting any excuse to get away from you and him. 

“Yeah okay.” She replies and grabs his hand, weaving him through the mass of people. 

He sits down, the gold chairs with large white cushions on them help him sink further into the depression he’s already falling into, purely because he knows the chairs alone probably cost more than his rent last month. 

He tries so hard to loose himself in having a good time with Cece, but he just can’t. He looks at her but ends up looking straight through her and back at you again. As Cece takes in the the small details of the large hall, Sweet Pea takes in the smaller details of you. 

You stand a little differently that how you did a year ago. Maybe its because whoever your new boyfriend is closer to your height than he is Sweet Pea’s, or maybe its the new found confidence you seem to have since Sweet Pea left. 

This time two years ago, both of you were staying in Cheryl and Toni’s New York apartment. It was a welcomed break from the busy jobs you were both desperately trying to hold down in order to keep your flat. 

You’d only been in New York for 2 days, but it was the best 2 days of your life. Toni and Cheryl had showed you around the city, the four of you doing some sightseeing and just enjoying seeing each other again. 

But just before going to bed on the second night, Sweet Pea got a phone call from his work saying they needed him in tomorrow morning, despite the fact he’d booked the week off. 

You’d only just managed to go to sleep, finding it difficult due to the loud roads and bright lights outside. You may have also moved to a busy city, but it was no where near as busy as New York, and so Sweet Pea tried desperately to pack as quietly as possible. 

You still woke up though, either sensing the empty space beside you or hearing the large thud of Sweet Pea tripping over his suitcase in the dark. You’d asked what he was doing and he felt so bad as he told you he had to go home. 

You were of course disappointed and his heart ached at the sight of you trying to hide it. He said you could stay and spend the rest of the week with Toni and Cheryl, but by the time he finished his sentence and multiple apologies you’d already changed your flights and were starting to pack. 

“We stay together remember.” You’d whispered in his ear on the plane. You then lay your head on his shoulder and even though he was tired and pissed beyond belief at his boss, he knew he’s got it right. You were definitely the one. 

Or at least thats what he thought. 

“Holy shit! Pea. I didn’t know you were coming to this!” Fangs is more than excited to see his best friend. He practically jumps on him and it causes Sweet Pea told jolt out of his thoughts at the weight of his friend embracing him. 

He returns the hug, a little too late but Fangs doesn’t seem to notice. He’s too busy introducing himself to Cece. She smiles in surprise at the energy of the stranger stood in front of her, but she shakes his hand anyway and introduces herself. 

“Don’t mind him. He’s had far too many ‘choni’ cocktails.” A voice deadpans from beside him and he sends the girl it came from a glare. “Hi Sweet Pea.” She waves at the tall serpent and he sends her a smile in return. 

“Hey Jade. How are you?” 

“Not good. I’ve been put on Fangs babysitting duty.” She huffs and takes a seat opposite the couple. Cece looks at Sweet Pea hesitantly before looking at the purple haired girl opposite her. 

“So how long have you and Fangs been together?” She asks in a small voice, but its met with loud laughter from Fangs, Jade and even Sweet Pea. 

“Babe, they’re not a couple.” Sweet Pea forces through laughter. 

“Well how am I supposed to know that. It’s not like you tell me anything about your friends.” She replies through a gritted smile and Jade and Fangs share an uncomfortable look. 

Sweet Pea coughs and stares at the napkin on the table, his finger traces the pattern gently and the four of them wait for something to change the sudden dull mood. 

A distraction comes, but it’s not a welcome one and Sweet Pea thinks he’d much rather snide comments from his girlfriend than whatever this is. 

“Hi guys.” You smile and wave at the small group. Your boyfriend stands behind you with a hand on your hip. He pushes his glasses up his nose before quickly moving to pull your seat out for you. You smile and sit beside Jade, giving her and Fangs a warm smile. Your boyfriend, who Sweet Pea still doesn’t know the name of sits on the other side of you, and he decides he doesn’t want to know the name of him. 

“Ryan, have you had one of these?” Fangs asks, trying his hardest to break the now awful atmosphere surrounding your table. It only makes it worse, because Sweet Pea knows his name and he hates it. 

Cece stares down at the silver bracelet dangling around her wrist, she plays with the charms and tries her hardest to will away the tears threatening to spill from her eyes. Sweet Pea seethes silently, glancing between the table, you and Ryan every so often. Fangs gulps, and plays with his hands, trying desperately to help his friend but nothing comes to mind. 

Jade sits back in her seat, sipping on her drink to try and hide a smile as she watches everyone silently. You sit awkwardly, your chin resting in your hand while you think of how to get out of this situation, and Ryan sits beside you, holding your free hand under the table and glancing at Sweet Pea nervously every so often. 

“No, I-er I haven’t no.” He shakes his head, gaining the attention and eyes of the five of you. 

“Good.” Jade replies. “They suck.” 

“How dare you.” Fangs glares at the girl but she just looks at him bored. 

“I’m sorry but if you name a drink after your ‘ship’ name, it automatically sucks. It could be the best tasting thing in the world, but as soon as its got a stupid name, it sucks.” She replies making Fangs huff. You and Sweet Pea stifle laughs at her sudden outburst and the two of you make brief eye contact before the moment is gone. 

“You’re so fun at parties. Did you know that?” 

“I did. Thats why I was your plus one.” 

“You were my plus one because we both got dumped right before thi-” He stops himself mid-sentence but the damage is done. You force yourself to look at Sweet Pea and are surprised to see he’s already looking back at you. 

“Well that got awkward fast.” Jade says, taking another long sip from her drink. “I’m getting another one. Anyone want to come with?” 

“I will.” You and Sweet Pea stand at the same time. 

“Its fine you go.” You say and sit down again. 

“No, no. You go.” He replies, also sitting back down. 

“Are you sure?” You ask. 

He nods quickly before starting a conversation with Cece. Cece talks about how pretty your outfit is and he nods along, not really paying attention. 

The only thing he can think of is you. 

And how he wishes the two of you never met. 

The thought makes something twist in his gut, but it’s true. When you met, he remembers thinking how lucky he was to have been in the right place at the right time. He knew he’d never forget you from the moment you met. And he was right. You are too hard to forget, no matter how bad he wants to. 

It doesn’t help when there’s little reminders of you no matter where he goes. A certain smell reminds of of your perfume, a certain taste and he’s taken back to your first date eating Pop’s takeout in the parking lot because there wasn’t enough seats inside. 

When you left, he tried to erase every part of you. Every trace of you was taken from the apartment you’d shared. He was angry at you of course, you’d argued and shouted just as much as he did, but he was more angry at himself for letting you go. 

He’d cleaned the shattered glass from the floor, caused by you slamming the door a mere five minutes earlier, and he learnt later that you’d gone to a co-workers house for ‘support’ and ended up in his bed. 

He knows you don’t love him anymore. Why would you? He said some of the worst things anybody had ever said to you, kicked you out of your home and ignored you for a year after. But he hopes if he asked, you’d lie to him. ----

It’s 3am and you’re still awake. The last of the guests have only just gone to bed and you can hear them stumbling and giggling as they pass your room. 

The moonlight streams in through a gap in the dark curtain and it casts a soft glow over Ryan’s bare chest and face. His lips are parted and soft snores echo around the room making you feel even more alone. 

You pull your legs up to your chest and wrap your arms around yourself, resting your head on your knees. 

Ryan had pressed gentle kisses up and down your neck while the two of you slow danced, his hands had wandered along your body and he’d whispered words in your ears that made you blush and look around, making sure no one else was looking. 

Nobody was, not even Sweet Pea and you felt a familiar twang of disappointment at that. But nonetheless, you said your goodbye’s to your friends, thanked Cheryl and Toni for the invite and told them congratulations for probably the fourth night, before Ryan had you pinned against the elevator wall, kissing you like his life depended on it. 

Now you sit awake, to busy thinking about Sweet Pea holding onto somebody else the way he used to. Sweet Pea could always sense if you were awake, it was like a weird gift he had. If you couldn’t sleep, he knew. And he would pull you tight to his chest and stroke your hair gently while whispering nonsense in your ear. 

Ryan sleeps through anything, which means you’ve spent a lot of lonely nights looking up at the moon. It’s seems the two of you are friends now, but tonight she’s taunting you and you sigh deeply. 

This was supposed to be a happy occasion, a chance to see all your friends again. But you feel anything but happiness. 

Your mind wanders to last year, and the way you stared at the moon back then. Only it didn’t end with tight cuddles and sweet whispers. It ended in a fight, a break up and the biggest mistake of your life. You walking out and giving up on you and Sweet Pea forever. 

You were thinking about New York, and how you should go go back sometime when Sweet Pea stirred beside you, asking the same sleepy question of ‘are you okay?’ 

‘Yeah’ you’d replied, settling into his arms and letting your eyes flutter closed. ‘Just thinking about when we could go back to New York.’ 

You honestly hadn’t meant anything more of it. Literally just wondering if you had any weeks off. But Sweet Pea was tired and stressed and took it as an attack. You tried to tell him you didn’t mean it like that, but he wasn’t listening and so you gave up trying to reason with him. 

You fought, cried and then you stormed out, not bothering to look back. 

You ran, even though it was right. 

You have a deep need to do it again. The rooms seems to be slowly suffocating you and you need to get out asap. You grab your dressing gown and slip some shoes over your feet before slipping out the door and into the dimly lit corridor.  It’s a welcome quiet to the thoughts screaming in your head and you take a moment to take in the beauty of the place. It might only be a corridor, but it’s a damn pretty one. 

With no destination in mind, you start to wander around the large hall. Eventually settling on a window seat right in the corner of the building. It looks out into the garden and the moonlight casts it in a fairytale like glow. It looks magical and you feel yourself calm down a little. Your heart rate goes back to normal and your breathing slows. Thats until you feel a presence beside you and the cushion your sat on dips as another joins you. 

Pulling your gaze away from the window, they settle on a pajama clad Sweet Pea and your expressions softens.  

“What do you want Pea?” You ask, the easiness of the nickname surprises the both of you. 

“I woke up a while ago and couldn’t get back to sleep. I figured you were awake somewhere.” He shrugs, leaning his back against the window and you watch a shiver crawl up his spine at the cold. 

“How do you know I wouldn’t be in my room?” You ask, turning your attention back to the sky. 

“I dunno.” He shrugs. “But I remember after a while, if you couldn’t sleep you used to get up and wander.” 

“Oh.” You say quietly and look back at him. “I never did that with you.” 

“You did. Once when we first got together.” He replies. 

“I don’t remember.” 

“I do.” He shrugs. “Why do you think I used to wake up? I didn’t want you wandering the streets at night.” 

“Thank you.” You say sincerely, looking him in the eye. He clears his throat and looks away. 

“Its whatever.” 

“Its not whatever Sweet Pea.” You say making him look at you. “Its really sweet.” He looks away as soon as you make eye contact and the two of you are left to sit in silence. 

“Do you ever wish we never met?” You ask and he quickly looks at you. 

“I er-” He stutters, unsure of what to say. Because he does, but even now he doesn’t want to hurt you. 

“I do.” You reply and he feels himself shatter. The whole illusion that he’d built you up to be, what you’d be doing now that you’re no longer in his life has been broken. 

“Thanks.” He huffs and crosses his arms over his chest. A small pout makes its way to his lips and you roll your eyes at the sight of it. 

“Don’t tell me you don’t feel the same.” You argue. “I saw the way you looked at me before. There was more regret in your eyes than there was when Fangs ate all of those out of date pies.” 

“That was funny though.” Sweet Pea chuckles. 

“Yeah.” You join in. “Up until the hospital visit.” You add and the two of you frown. 

“You’re impossible to forget you know Sweet Pea.” You say out of nowhere and his eyebrows raise. 

“You too Y/n.” He replies, sadness lacing his tone and the two of you both stare out into the garden. 

“But I have to.” You stand suddenly and he looks at you confused. 

“What?” 

“We have to try and forget each other.” 

“Y/n, our best friends are getting married. I’m the best man and you’re maid of honour. We’re always going to be in each other’s life. It’s going to be pretty impossible to forget each other.” 

“Well, maybe if someone hadn’t have dumped me for no reason then we wouldn’t have to do all this awkward shit.” You snap, a years worth of feeling bubbling up to the surface. 

You’ve had enough. He did this, he started it and now he doesn’t want to end it. 

“Excuse me?” Sweet Pea asks, his voice raising as he also stands. “You’re the one that walked out.” 

“Because you told me to! Whatever Sweet Pea. I’ll see you around.” You huff and storm off into the dark hallway. “And so hi to Cece for me.” 

“Only if you say hi to Ryan for me.” He calls angrily after you. 

He watches you walk away and curses himself for letting you do that again. 

“Babe? Where have you been?” Ryan’s voice is groggy as he turns his head to face you. 

“Do you love me?” You ask suddenly and slip into bed beside him. The moonlight still shines in through the curtains, but the glow it casts into the room is cold. 

You know he doesn’t, he knows he doesn’t, but it doesn’t matter. You’d rather a sweet lie than a bitter reality. So he takes a deep breath, his hair falls into his face but you don’t bother moving it, not wanting to ruin the fabricated moment you’re desperately trying to believe in. 

“I do, yeah.”

[larryfanficwriter98]

Ten

*Fake It Until You Make It Real*

-SMEXY TIME NEAR THE END I'LL WARN YOU JUST BEFORE IT STARTS- Also please enjoy my Storytime about this chapter's journey

Let me tell you about the roller coaster that this chapter has been through. I have rewritten this chapter a million and one times in the last few weeks that I honestly have no idea how I finished it. Then right when I got the idea I wanted to stick with my phone BETRAYED ME BY PLAYING GOSPEL MUSIC WHILE WRITING MY SMEX SCENE!!! GOSPEL!!! I was raised catholic though I'm not religious anymore BUT LET ME TELL YOU WHEN THAT WILL THE CIRCLE BE UNBROKEN VERSE CAME ON AS I WROTE ABOUT GAY RIM JOBS!! My grandma probably rolled over in her grave a few times, my lights flickered, my computer went out of sleep mode...y'all made me summon my grandma and that woman does not like me. She opened my closet door and had the nerve to not shut it after she left. My grandma sang that song every morning so that song summons her and it just happens to be the song that plays while I write about one of the many things she did not believe in.

Side note- Not sure if roadblocks are a thing in the UK/Manchester area but in my town there is a roadblock every Friday and Saturday night (obviously except during the pandemic) and when I tell you they will find every drunk driver above the legal limit that is on the main roads I am not exaggerating. So I mentioned them in this chapter because I'm American and that's what I'm use to. Also throughout this story you will notice I go back and forth between UK English and USA English because I try to respect that this is technically based in the UK and they're British and I know a lot of my readers are British, but I am not therefore I use different wording. If you are ever confused and can't find the correct term googling it please comment and I will tell you what it means.

That is all. Enjoy.

On his days off and hours he had to spare during his workdays Harry finished Freddie's bedroom and had went through Maddie's old clothes in her closet that no longer fit. He also had started going through the toy room downstairs digging through the toys from many years ago that he still had that she played with occasionally for a few seconds. He reorganized the toys and space and made sure there was plenty of room for Freddie's toys and future toys he knew he would buy him come Christmas and his birthday. He took down a few old princess dresses that didn't fit and the accessories and made a note in his home journal to ask Maddie if she wanted him to replace them when he spoke to her next. He made little notes as he threw toys in bags or moved larger things out of the room and by the week of Halloween his home was all ready for Louis and Freddie to start moving in. He left his Murano and keys at Louis' place for that week while he took his Audi to and from work for the few days that he worked and the other days he helped Louis and as promised he was the one who took the train table apart and rebuilt it back inside the playroom at his house.

"Come on Louis all five of us are off tomorrow I can call Amy and ask if she can babysit Freddie at my place and we all go there afterwards." Harry begged.

"Harry, I haven't even met Amy yet or talked with Freddie or even had five minutes to think about it. I'm not going to stop you from going out with your friends and if you want to invite Zayn out then go ahead, he'll be all for it. But I just- I haven't been out to a pub in years not like that at least. The last time I left Freddie with anyone other than Zayn or my mom I was given a fifteen-minute lecture about the apparent abuse and neglect I was inflicting on him by being twenty-two and having fun. I just...I don't want to leave him alone and-"

"Louis you are entitled to have fun a few nights. You're allowed to get a babysitter for a night once in a while. Amy is amazing and you will love her instantly and Freddie will like her. You will cause more harm not taking some you time than you will going out once a month to get drunk. We won't even get wasted we'll eat greasy bar food and have a pint or two then go home. I swear to you, you and I will not get drunk if you're worried about not being available for Freddie tomorrow. You're an amazing Papa Louis and I have no doubt a little hangover will never stop you from being there for Freddie but if you want to stay sober then we can."

"I'm not going to make you stay sober just because I am the lamest twenty-four-year-old around."

"You're not lame. You're a parent. A parent with full time custody. I'm not, I don't have all the...precautions and feelings that you do. It's okay to have boundaries with your son, if you don't want us going inside a home, he is at drunk then we won't drink, or Amy can watch him at your place, and you can drop us off at mine then go home. Whatever you want it's fine and we will respect that. You don't have to worry about hurting feelings or sounding lame. Liam and Niall will completely understand if they are limited to one beer. They will respect that."

"It's not that either. I just want to think about it first. Tell you what, tell Amy to call me at my lunch if she can then I'll give you my answer after we talk." Louis said as he unlocked his classroom door before walking to his desk and setting his stuff down.

"Alright. I'm sorry. I just- I think it'll be fun for all five of us to do something before Halloween this weekend. Since you don't have school tomorrow and I'm off until the third and Liam and Niall are off tomorrow, they proposed a night out. It's okay if you don't want to though, we'll all be together Saturday anyway."

"I'm not upset or feeling pressured relax. I just want to think about it. I will let you know everything when I know." Louis said grabbing Harry's hands as he leaned against his desk.

"Okay. Fair enough. I'm going to go home and finish some last-minute things for this weekend then tomorrow we can go shopping together with Freddie then pick up Maddison and have a family dinner outing then have a family movie night. What do you say?"

"I say that sounds like a wonderful Friday night. I'm glad you were able to get Maddison this weekend."

"Yeah, it wasn't easy. I'm just happy I can have her around my family after so long. My family hasn't seen her in years. Not in person for more than a few minutes at a store at least. I should go before your kids come into the room and see me with their teacher. I'm sure that's in the rule book somewhere."

"Something like that." Louis agreed, "You're allowed in my room just no inappropriate displays of affection upfront of students."

"Ah so I should get my goodbye kiss before they come." Harry said quickly grabbing Louis' face and kissing it all over. Louis laughed and swatted at him pushing him off before he pulled Harry down for a proper kiss with his hands on Harry's wrists as Harry's hands cups his face.

"MISTER T!" Louis jumped pulling away turning red as his early arrivals entered his classroom teasing him already.

"I'll talk to you later." Harry said chuckling.

"Oh, don't stop on our behalf." One of his students teased.

"Don't you kids have breakfast to attend?" Louis said.

"Why should we when the tea is obviously all right here." Harry laughed before he kissed Louis' cheek and left the classroom with a grin leaving Louis to fend for himself amongst the teenagers, "is that the fiancé mister T?"

"Yes, it was and you three saw nothing."

*****

"You didn't text me after lunch." Harry said by way of greeting Louis when Louis got into the Murano.

"I know I forgot my charger at the apartment and wasn't able to charge it. The Nursery teacher called me after Amy, and I had to talk to Freddie because he was upset, he forgot his stuffy at the apartment. I obviously couldn't go get it then my phone died just as I was starting to calm him down, so I haven't eaten my lunch yet nor have I been able to text you." Louis said with a heavy sigh.

"I'm sorry. You know you can add my name and number to the nursery call list. I can do things...I am going to be your husband, your partner."

"I know you've told me this before I just keep forgetting to since the mornings are always so routine and the afternoons, I'm usually ready to just go home."

"Well how about we do it today. We'll go in together. Then I'll call the boys and tell them we can do it another time and-"

"No, we can go tonight as long as Freddie is okay by the time we want to leave. I told Amy she can come by an hour early so Freddie can get comfortable with her first and we'll decide then anyway."

"Are you sure? It's okay if you want to stay home and get pampered."

"I could use a beer. One beer for me at least."

"Okay. And if we have to wait until Freddie goes to sleep to have that one beer we can. Honestly, it doesn't matter to me as long as you and Freddie are comfortable and happy." Harry said kissing his hand as he drove across the street to the nursery.

******

Louis had kept himself at one beer though he had tried to convince Harry to have fun and get drunk, but Harry had kept himself at two. That didn't stop him from going on the dance floor with Liam who was already on his fourth beer.

"So, tell me about Freddie. I mean obviously Harry talks about him all the time, but I'm sure you can tell me something new." Niall said.

"Really? What does Harry tell you?" Louis asked not at all bothered just curious, he knew Harry had told his friends about Freddie, but he didn't realize Harry talked about Freddie with them.

"Literally everything. The easier question to answer would be what he doesn't tell us. He loves that boy you know, has a picture of you and him in his locker beside his picture of Maddie. Has a picture of him in his wallet too. Harry includes him when he talks about Maddie and sometimes when he gets really animated, he calls him his stepson instead of his fiancé's son. It's cute and I don't think he realizes it." Louis grinned as he looked over at Harry who was being spun by Liam.

"I didn't know that. I think he's worried about going too fast with Freddie considering everything."

"Yeah, he is, but he means well. I get why you two waited so long to mention it to us, with Harry's court situation and with Hannah and with you having Freddie. It's understandable you two just wanted to stay on the low until you knew where it was going. What I don't understand however is why have a wedding so soon?"

"Yeah, Lou why so soon? Are you-"

"NO! No, I am not." Louis quickly said when he saw Niall's eyes widen with excitement, "No. I won't lie the custody situation did encourage me to push for it sooner and also we both wanted a winter wedding, but we also both wanted a small intimate wedding and with all those factors I figured why not do it in January. We talked about it and concluded that if we could make it work then why not. The custody situation alone didn't pressure me into it and neither did anything else it was just a why not situation. We knew we wanted to get married so why wait an extra year. There will be some sacrifices of course, but nothing that is very major or decision changing for either of us."

"I guess that makes sense. That's what Harry said as well that it was just sort how it was planned. I knew Harry wouldn't have pressured you, but I also know Harry can sometimes be a bit...pressuring without meaning to."

"I haven't felt pressured in anyway with him. I know he can be pushy at times, but he has always stepped back when he needed to. Actually, I haven't found any flaws except his puns and dad jokes and - is he always fucking perfect? Like is that a trait his entire family has or just him?" Niall laughed as he set down his fifth empty pint glass.

"Perfect? Harry? I have no idea what you're talking about. That man is not perfect."

"He is perfect, he's always so...composed and in control of himself."

"You do see him on the dance floor, right?" Zayn asked making Louis turn and burst out laughing as he saw Harry and Liam doing a circle while shimmying together.

"WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT TOMLINSON!" Liam shouted.

"YOU PAYNO!" Niall shouted back.

"Go to hell Irish." Liam shouted as he grabbed Harry's hands and spun together dramatically.

"Okay so he's not always perfect..." Louis conceded, "But he's pretty damn close."

"I think you're blinded by those biceps Lou." Zayn said making Louis turn red as his jaw dropped.

"WHAT?!"

"I mean I can't blame you Dr. Styles definitely has a nice body. I'm impressed honestly. You're not one to go after muscular men."

"I have no idea what you are talking about." Louis said looking down at his empty glass with melting ice.

"I tried to hit on Harry when he was transferred to Manchester Royal. I was already a nurse there and here comes this hot young doctor who had scrubs that hid nothing from view if you get what I mean." Niall said, "I mean I'm sure you get what I mean you probably caused a few...accidents during your secret stays." Louis buried his burning face into his hands and refused to acknowledge Niall and Zayn laughing their asses off beside him.

"What kind of view are we talking about Niall?"

"Okay we're done talking." Louis said quickly interrupting that train of conversation as he slid out of the stool and headed to where Harry and Liam were, "I'm stealing him back." Louis said wrapping his arms around Harry's shoulders.

"Only for a few minutes Tomlinson I'll be back for him after a pint. And don't think a boner will deter me we slept in the same bed during puberty when we had sleepovers." Liam said as he headed back to the table with a playful wink and a blown kiss towards Harry who playfully caught it and put it in his pocket winking at Liam right back and puckering his lips. Louis chuckled shaking his head as he pulled Harry away from the table's view and further into the crowd of dancing people.

"Ready to go home?"

"In a little bit, it is getting really late considering we only planned to be out until eleven. I think it's one already."

"Yeah, sorry I know you wanted be home. We can leave-"

"In a little bit Harold. For now, this is as close to a pub date as you're getting from me for some time which means we have to snog in the middle of aroused strangers who are grinding on us in all directions and probably trying to grab one of our wallets without us realizing. It's a relationship requirement." Harry grinned nodding as he looked around.

"I think we're meeting all the requirements."

"All except for one."

"Ah right let me correct that." Louis laughed as Harry wrapped his arms around Louis' waist and pulled him closer to his body just as their lips met. Slowly, almost hesitantly, their bodies started to move and after a few minutes, they were one of the many couples dry humping each other on the middle of the dance floor. Harry grabbed Louis' hand and spun him around then wrapped the arm around his waist and pressed him against his body causing Louis's breath to catch momentarily. He leaned back against Harry, leaning his head on his shoulder letting Harry keep his arms wrapped around his waist while his mouth stayed on his neck mouthing at him in various spots. Louis' hands slid up and behind to wrap around Harry's neck pulling him closer as he turned his face to kiss him again letting Harry's tongue take control while one of his hands cupped his cheek keeping him there. Louis could feel Harry's other hand twitching from where it was rested against his stomach, it was one of the things Louis had learned about Harry that he was very touchy and handsy when they snogged and tended to keep his hands firmly in place on his cheeks, waist, hips, or back not moving them at all except to those safe locations. Harry definitely liked to touch more than he liked anything while also being respectful and mindful of his hand placements and where it was deemed safe to touch. He was also very willing to let Louis be in charge, didn't seem to have any hang-ups about ''roles'' or positions that were stereotypically associated with carriers and non-carriers who were gay unlike most people.

"Oi if you're going to give us a free show at least do something worth watching!"

"Remind me to kill Liam tomorrow morning." Harry whispered against his lips.

"Sure thing." Louis said turning to face him only to be kissed again once he did, "We're being watched Harold."

"Fine. We can continue this behind a closed bedroom door preferably locked too." Louis chuckled as he followed Harry back to the table, "You're getting killed tomorrow morning. Are we ready to head out?"

"Sure, I am and yeah we are. I already paid the tab, so we just need to figure out who is the more sober one of us all and get to your place."

"That's probably Louis or myself." Harry said.

"I can drive." Louis offered, "I only had a pint, I'll be the safest if we hit a roadblock."

"Agreed. Here you are my love. Let's head home." Harry said placing the keys into Louis' hands before wrapping his arm around his waist and walking with him out of the building while the others followed closely behind.

"I have to pee so bad." Harry said running up the stairs as soon as the front door was opened. "Holy fuck my bladder is about to explode."

"Harry always has to pee after a beer. I swear it goes straight through him." Liam said shaking his head, "don't worry we'll show Zayn to the guest rooms and make sure he's comfortable."

"Thanks, I want to check on Freddie really quick. Zayn-"

"I'll be fine." Louis nodded then headed upstairs to Freddie's room entering it as silently as he could. He gave Freddie a forehead kiss then fixed his blankets and tucked him in. He grabbed Patches off the floor and laid the bear beside Freddie then stared at his son until he felt Harry sit behind on the edge of the bed.

"If you stay here any longer, he'll wake up and neither of us are strong enough to say no to a half-asleep Freddie wanting snuggles." Louis chuckled nodding but he didn't move. Harry stood only to kneel on the side of the bed and gently run his fingertips though the messy hair. He gave Freddie a light kiss as well then stood up and pulled Louis up wrapping his arms around his waist as he guided him out of the room, "let him sleep Papa bear. He's fine and we have a busy two days starting tomorrow."

"I know I know I just wanted to make sure he was okay."

"Uh huh. Sure, you did. I'm sure you were hoping he'd wake up."

"Only a small part of me was hoping that would happen. I can't help it he's growing up too fast and soon he'll be too cool for snuggles."

"I still snuggle my mom, if he's raised right, he'll never be too cool for snuggles. And trust me I'll make sure he's raised to love snuggles when he's fifteen." Louis laughed as they walked into Harry's bedroom, well their bedroom now since they were mostly moved in by now. Louis turned in Harry's arms, so they faced one another and wrapped his arms around his neck.

"You know Niall told me something at the table."

"Oh?" Harry questioned wrapping his arms around Louis' waist.

"He told me you have a picture of Freddie in your locker."

"I do in a magnetic frame beside Maddie. You're in the picture too."

"He also told me you call him your stepson when you talk about him."

"I might say that word a few times." Harry said nervously as his cheeks turned red, "I love Freddie, I've told you he's my family now." Louis grinned as he stood on his toes and pressed his lips against Harry's pulling him in closer by his hand in Harry's hair. He walked back until his back hit one of the boards of the four-poster bed frame. Harry moved in and completely covered his body with his own slotting himself between Louis' legs.

"I don't want to like assume anything but-"

"Harry I am pressed up against your bed post by my own decision and you're worried about assuming things?" Harry laughed nodding.

~~The Smex starts in a few paragraphs~~(Smex spelling is so wattpad doesn't get their sensitive feelings hurt by already pre-tagged warnings of smex and the mature thingy tagged...they're pansies)

"As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted...assuming you're not on contraception methods which I'm not going to make you get on or anything obviously I know that can affect your body more ways than they tell you, I was going to ask what you wanted to do like if you wanted to top or if you have a preference. I'm sure you've noticed I have none and am completely fine with any method since I can't get pregnant. I mean obviously I have condoms and I’m obviously clean and everything I just don’t want to assume anything like you want to bottom just because you’re a carrier and I don’t want you to assume I only want to top because I’m not a carrier and I have an ‘’alpha male job’’ as some like to call it nowadays.”

“Oh well I usually don’t top unless I’m in my more fertile week. As I’m sure you know since men don’t ovulate or menstruate, we have a week of higher fertility rate that we can track by weekly pee sticks. Don’t care to know the science behind it so please don’t tell me.”

“I can give you a long lecture about your hormones and-“

“Don’t make me soft Harold.”

“Well alright. Are you-“

"No, it's always the first or second week of the month, it sometimes comes in the middle of the week, I usually take one very two days until I get it. So, stop worrying and stop talking." Harry chuckled as he pressed his lips against Louis' again pressing himself against Louis who was pressed against the bedpost. Louis' hands ran up under Harry's shirt bunching it until Harry pulled it off followed by Harry pulling Louis' shirt off. Their jeans and pants were off and in a few short moments Louis was bent over the bed with Harry between his legs giving him a mind-numbing rim-job. Something that not five minutes ago Louis would have said he hated because he never had a good one. Louis was very aware of the fact that they currently had six people on the same floor only few feet from them and one of those people being his son, which was why he was trying extremely hard to stay as quiet as he could. However, when two fingers joined Harry’s tongue at his entrance Louis gasp resisting the want to push back against them.

“I could do this all night. How are you feeling?” Harry asked smugly.

“Like if you continue, I’ll cum way too soon.” Louis said trying to swat at Harry but missed.

“If you think that’ll stop me you’ve got another thing coming. Literally.” Louis burst out laughing which quickly turned into a too loud moan that Louis just knew anyone awake on the second floor heard it.

“You ass you did that on purpose.”

“Well, they say you are what you eat.”

“You did not just say that.” Louis said laughing as he buried his face in a pillow muffling any and all sounds that came from him from that point forward. Harry kept his promise as he spread his cheeks wider giving him more room to lick his entrance pushing his tongue in.

A large hand wrapped around his cock and started tugging on it painfully slow while his tongue moved as fast as physically possible. When Harry removed his tongue, he sucked and ran a thumb over the wet hole before going back in not giving Louis any time to breathe between all the sensations. Despite all that not once was it hurried or rough in a way that took away the intimacy of a first time together. Louis moaned as he felt his orgasm building, he could feel it all building under his skin and when it was released it was released in strong spurts on the duvet cover underneath him and Harry didn’t stop until nothing else came out. Then when Louis was sure he’d get some time to breathe Harry pushed two thick lubed fingers inside of him making him groan in pleasure and slight pain at the over simulation.

“You’re not going to let me breathe?” Louis asked breathlessly.

“You’re breathing now, aren’t you?” Louis laughed shaking his head, “You’ll be fine I have faith in you and your lungs. You just relax and enjoy and let me know if you’re too sensitive. I am a doctor I know how to avoid a prostate.”

“No get out you’ve gone and ruined it with a doctor joker.” Louis said.

“Oh hush.” Harry said leaning over Louis to kiss his shoulder as his fingers slowly moved inside of him. Louis was all for slow fingering, but it was currently almost three in the morning and they had a long busy weekend coming up.

“Harry I’m all for slow sex and all but it is almost three in the morning and-“

“I’m obviously not doing it right if you’re able to think.” Louis opened his mouth to retort that Harry was doing great and it was just that it was almost three in the morning, but all thought process escaped his head when Harry pushed three fingers inside of him and started thrusting them, brushing them against his prostate. He moaned not even bothering with the pillow as he gripped the duvet in his fists before Harry rolled him on to his back. He arched his back as his legs spread almost automatically to give Harry’s arm more space between his legs. Louis cursed repeatedly when Harry wrapped his mouth around Louis’ head sucking it down as he fingered Louis, his second orgasm came as a surprise as Harry swallowed it all before Louis even realized he was cumming. Louis pulled Harry down for a kiss as soon as he had enough oxygen in his body and felt no shame when he could still taste himself on Harry’s tongue. His hands gripped Harry’s hair before he rolled them over, so he was straddling Harry’s hips as they snogged. Louis reached over and grabbed the condom on the nightstand then opened it and slowly slid it down Harry’s hard cock. Harry gasped tensing when Louis rolled the condom on before he relaxed and helped position Louis as he held himself in place. They broke the kiss momentarily so Harry could help guide Louis, he thrust up just enough, so the head entered the ring of muscle then his mouth was back on Louis’ to muffle the majority of the sounds that came out as he slowly slid himself down. When Louis was completely seated on Harry, he knew neither one of them would last long for multiple reasons. Louis slowly started a rhythm that he was comfortable with at first since he hadn’t had sex in years then slowly it sped up by both of their doings then Harry rolled them, so Louis was on his back when Louis was wearing out. The new position and angle had Louis burying his face in Harry’s neck before Harry was kissing him again. Harry started thrusting harder and faster leaving Louis to gasp and let out high pitched noises that he couldn’t help and only hoped they were as quiet as they seemed. When Louis came for a third time it was followed almost immediately by Harry as he groaned holding Louis close to him keeping their faces buried in the other’s neck.

“Holy fuck I can’t move.” Louis burst out laughing as rubbed Harry’s sweaty back as they slowly caught their breathes, “I’m serious I can’t move. We’re stuck like this. One and done.”

“I wouldn’t call that one and done.” Louis said making Harry laugh, “I’d call that almost two hours and done.”

“Last time I focus on your pleasure.” Harry joked before he kissed Louis’ forehead then straightened up and gently pulled out. Louis watched as Harry got off the bed and headed into the bathroom leaving the door wide open as he balled up some toilet paper and pulled the condom off. After tying it off he tossed it in the trash then he wet a washcloth and wipe himself off before he came over to Louis and wiped him off making sure to get everything from lube to the dried cum on his ass from when he rolled over the first time. Once that was done, he tossed it into the hamper and pulled off the duvet.

“Are you really stripping your bed? Right now?” Louis teased.

“No, I’m just pulling the duvet cover off, so we don’t accidentally sleep in cum or lube. If you dirty my white duvet, you’re in trouble though.”

“I promise not to ruin your fancy duvet.”

“Good.” Harry crawled into bed and pulled the duvet over them, “Come here and cuddle.” Louis grinned turning to face Harry as he snuggled into his warm body tucking his head against his chest and wrapping his arms arounds his waist, “Perfect. Goodnight.”

“Night.”

[littlestarlost]

what happened.

All this hunger is Always following us Out where we survive under poisonous skies They’re dreaming, but nobody’s sleeping Just coked hearts speeding See all the gold teeth gleaming See all the young, healthy free men Just move into nothing

(CW: discussion of mental health, trauma, PTSD)

A version of this post has been sitting in my drafts folder for ten months. I know this, because I originally began to write it around late January, just in time for the one-year mark to have passed since I’d last updated Setting Sun. When I posted that most recent update, I had just turned 30 years old, and I promised that it would not be another year before the next update. I wanted, so badly, for that to be true. In hindsight, it’s honestly better that I failed to keep that promise; I fear it might have exacerbated the damage that’s already been done, and made the healing process that much harder.

It’s been nearly two years. I want to talk about what happened.

I first began to write about Yuuri Katsuki and Victor Nikiforov because I recognized myself so keenly in them; Yuuri’s high-achieving anxiety and imposter syndrome, and Victor’s quietly functional depression. When I found YOI, I was in grad school; I was winning awards, the top of my class, and utterly terrified that it was all a sham. Being able to channel those emotions through these characters helped me realize my own greatness, to embody it and walk with confidence and bravado. It allowed me to go into my post-degree job search with my head held high, trusting that all the lessons I had learned would lead me to professional success. Yuuri and Victor walked through life with me, two shadows of my own psyche, two people who helped me understand myself.

The first few months of the job were fine. Then things became less than fine, and then continued to descend into the kind of mundane nightmare that only multinational corporate legal firms could manifest. Setting Sun, a story about love and self-acceptance and joy, began to twist around in on itself. I don’t want to go into detail, but suffice to say that I spent nearly two years being gaslit and abused, told I was worthless, constantly having panic attacks as I desperately tried to exert control over things that were way over my head. My body betrayed me; I was in so much pain I couldn’t walk, so stressed I couldn’t bring myself to eat unless I’d smoked weed to calm the nausea. I began to believe that I had peaked in grad school, that I was fooling myself, that I was going to be trapped in that cubicle for the rest of my life, doing grunt work without challenge or interest, in the kind of workplace where you get reported to HR for sighing too loudly. That is a thing that actually fucking happened to me; nobody asked why I might be sighing, and nobody stopped by to check in when I spent most days in tears. This was a place where less than half the people in the room put up their hands when asked if they had ever been creative as kids. This was a place where I almost never got to see the sun.

Because I was massively overqualified and even more massively underworked, I spent a lot of 2018 writing fanfic--my zine pieces, my zutara pieces, all sorts of creative things. I also began to write horror AUs; two stories, in particular, gained a fair amount of traction on this particular platform. When I look back now, I see them for the coping mechanisms that they were; in the case of the crossroads AU, where Yuuri is willing to sell his soul to the devil just to escape his commute, it wasn’t even particularly subtle. I poured all my energy into creative pursuits; it’s been my outlet my whole life, and for a while it helped. By the time I hit the SCP-9874 AU, I burned out so profoundly and utterly that it destroyed my relationship to YOI and cauterized the pieces. SCP-9874 was one of the most creative things I’ve ever done, but it also involved what is, in hindsight, a shocking level of violence and horror inflicted on these characters who were such a close part of me. I was doing this to them because I was hurting, all the time. I now recognize it as the cry for help that it was, and to this day I fantasize about taking down all the SCP-9874 posts and excising that portion of my legacy as much as possible.

I wrote Setting Sun’s 21st chapter in honour of my 30th birthday, in late January of 2019. Somehow, at the time, I didn’t realize how rough it was. How much it implied about me and how I was doing. How much it reflected the true extent of the damage I was suffering. I left Victor and Yuuri in an abandoned apartment with more questions than answers and more regrets than they or I had ever thought possible, and I thought, somehow, that this was a good turning point. Little did I know at the time that the worst was still to come.

I was able to finally escape that toxic office last October, when I found a new job that paid nearly double and was everything I wanted to do in life and more. But  Yuri on Ice hurt too much to think about, even as time marched forward and I began to heal. I had PTSD flashbacks to the old office; I dealt with echo upon echo of terror that everything would fall away to reveal I was trapped in the same old nightmare again. In January 2020, I actually took a few days off for my birthday and reread Setting Sun from the beginning, and I’d somehow forgotten how funny it is, how sweet it is, how hopeful. I had completely forgotten; it had been burned away by twenty months of agony. That realization hurt more than all the other ones put together, I think. I had a good long cry over that.

Fast forward to now, and people have started to find Setting Sun again. They’ve found it on and off in the months since I updated, and for a very long time I would read the truly lovely comments people wrote--thanking me for writing it, hoping I’d come back someday, wishing me well wherever I was--and I would dissolve into tears because I just...couldn’t. I couldn’t bear to go back to this story that I could no longer recognize myself in. And nowadays, when new commenters come, I will warn them about that last chapter I wrote, because I can recognize it as the outlier it is.

But something has very recently changed.

I couldn’t necessarily tell you exactly what. Maybe it’s that I passed the one-year mark at my new job, and the last of the poison has finally been excised. Maybe it’s because I’m looking at all my writing with new eyes as I prepare to try doing this for a living. Maybe it’s because it’s 2020, and the rules aren’t really relevant anymore. I don’t know. But I can say that, two weekends ago, I opened Setting Sun, and realized that it didn’t seem impossible anymore. I realized that the boys had been through more than enough. We’ve been through more than enough. We deserve the happy ending I always planned to give them, going back four whole years when I first planned out this massive weird tale.

It’s been a very long time. It’s been exactly long enough.

I can’t promise exactly when the final chapter of Setting Sun will arrive. I’m walking back onto previously thin ice, and my footsteps are more than a little hesitant, so as not to cause any undue cracks. But I can remember the joy and humour and fun again; I can conceive of jokes and silliness and sweetness again. My playlist is filling up again, with songs of hope and love instead of anguish and sorrow. The Yuuri and Victor who sit inside my heart are skating; the music is carrying them, the wind is rushing past their ears, their feet feel light again and they want to jump and take flight and make beautiful things.

I have bookended this post with lyrics from a song that’s been on the maybe list for Setting Sun for nearly as long as Setting Sun has existed. It’s a song I love quite profoundly, a song that means a lot to me personally, but I could never manage to make it fit. It’s a song about running away to the big bright city, about being broken on the world’s wheel, and about realizing you just want to go home. It’s a song that’s ostensibly about the tragedy of this process, but right now I’m sitting at my desk, listening to the line I, I, I wanna go back, back, back, back, with grateful tears running down my face, and I’m realizing that it’s not part of Yuuri’s story, nor Victor’s; it’s part of mine. Home may never be the same as when you left, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t waiting for you with open arms.

So that’s what happened.

Put my body on a wagon And carry me off to the ocean Let me float on into the eastern sun Out where tomorrow has just begun Where I used to be wild, back in my time Now I just fight to sleep at night So render me up into the elements Lay me in a light that I can trust Lay me in a light that I can trust Lay me in a light that I come from...

(Gold Teeth, by Hey Rosetta!)

[faelapis]

Help, 2 of my best friends think Spinel going with the Diamonds at the end throws away her character arc because she goes from her toxic dependant relationship with Pink to the Diamond's codependant adoration. They know that the show is likely to go into their dinamic in season 6, but they don't care since they think the movie should stand on it's own. I think their relationship will give them all a chance to grow, but I can't help seeing their point.

so… here’s the thing. i think the movie intentionally leaves room for feeling like spinel and the diamonds rushed into things because they’re both quite early in their growing process, but i would hesitate to call it toxic codependence (it’s more of an intentionally flawed starting point), or in any way a break from their character growth or the film’s themes as a standalone piece. i’d like to point out three things:

point one: most familial relationships start out on the basis of knowing someone else related to the person. like. your grandparents wouldn’t take an interest in getting to know you if you weren’t their child’s child. that’s just how it works. 

and this is kind of similar - if “daughter-coded” is a thing, then pink diamond is that in relation to the other diamonds. and the diamonds have always loved gemkind *in relation to their diamond* - like, in a “we take care of our people because they’re Ours” kind of way. all gems are made by the diamonds, and if that’s the case, then the ‘daughter diamond’s’ gems may be perceived as a kind of grandchild or psuedochild it’s important to preserve and protect. 

so that’s a very benign, “we’re gonna take care of what our child made” read on it. which is pretty hard to say is inherently abusive or codependent, i think.

point two: the movie’s point is not to entirely undo spinel’s and the diamond’s issues. so to read it as a failed attempt to do so is, i think, incorrect. 

by contrast, the movie really stresses how you SHOULDN’T think there’s an endpoint to your growth. you have to keep trying to become better. you may have to keep struggling your entire life. that is very much compatible with the characters still being somewhat flawed by the end of it. it reinforces the movie’s message, rather than working against it. it’s thematically consistent.

if the movie has a thesis statement, it’s this: “there’s no such thing as happily ever after. i’ll always have more work to do”.

this is reinforced by the finale song in a number of more subtle ways: 

“happily ever after, there we were - and here we are” implies we are now somewhere else. “i’ll be ready every day, for as long as (…) i’m in the future with my friends - that’s why happily ever after never ends” carries that through. here, instead of meaning “complacent happiness without growth”, steven transforms the “happily ever after” concept into his own, more accurate version. the meaning he gives it is “i’ll keep growing with my friends by my side, and i’ll be ready to change & work on myself for the rest of my life”.

this is also reinforced by spinel herself. she admits that friendship isn’t going to be easy for her. she has to work on herself. that’s a blatant reminder to the audience that she’s ready to keep growing instead of becoming complacent - and it’s a reminder placed right before the diamonds arrive. that’s not subtle. 

so the intent here isn’t to give spinel a perfectly happy ending - it’s sweet, but its primary purpose is acknowledging the possibility of healing by giving her a new beginning. a chance to have a relationship with people she hasn’t hurt. “i’ve already messed things up with you”. this was the same thing blocking steven & the diamonds’ relationship. they’d already hurt him. so he was uncomfortable spending all his time with them. 

“you guys have really gotten better at showing affection” has two meanings. 

1. i’m proud of your progress.

2. there was a time you guys were awful at this. towards me. i remember that.

and one does not erase the other. steven is genuinely happy for the diamonds! he’s not about to downplay their growth or abandon their cooperative partnership - but he’s not gonna let them smother him either. he wants his own life.

point three: the diamonds and spinel have genuinely grown.

no, not in the way where they are no longer flawed. that would be weird. the diamonds still primarily relate to others through a “diamond’s creation” lens, even if they are making the effort to see those creations as equal. 

spinel, on her side, is not too trusting as much as she’s still trying to find a puzzle piece to fit a void inside of her. but that’s kinda normal, at this point in her development. everyone needs reasons to keep going in life when everything falls apart, and those reasons need not be perfectly fulfilling - they just have to be enough for the person in question (for now). 

so okay, how have they grown?

spinel is growing past her toxicity. her issue was not so much codependence as it was an inability to handle rejection and abandonment. those things are connected, sure, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with latching onto someone. even someone you have a familial connection with. the problem is when that becomes so all-consuming - as it did with pink, albeit understandably - that one lashes out in its absence. 

and the first step towards dealing with that is acknowledging one’s flawed behavior. which spinel does, finally, when she realizes she can’t hurt steven anymore and trying isn’t making her happy. she understands that she’s being ridiculous, toxic, and the antithesis to a good friend.

also, spinel accepted that she’s not entitled to anyone’s friendship. heck, she thought she may be alone for a while, and still thinks that working on herself is a prerequisite for keeping friends. that cannot be undone by finding someone else willing to give friendship a try. this, along with the understanding of “no happily ever afters”, shows that she is self-aware and won’t let herself get complacent in this new relationship. she’s gonna keep trying every day, just like steven.

so in summary, for spinel - she’s unlearning her toxic behavior patterns, trying to undo her damage, self-aware about her flaws, and wants to start over with new friendships. none of which is undone by the diamonds.

as for how the diamonds have grown - firstly, in actually listening to people. 

communication on equal grounds is the first step towards better relationships. this is perhaps obvious, but their flaw was never exactly codependence, either. it was a power imbalance where they ignored, tormented and condescended their “daughter” into running away. steven has helped them realize how they were wrong to do so, how their perfectionism didn’t justify what they did to pink. or to anyone else. or to themselves. 

so now, they’ve come face-to-face with their self-justification and found it invalid. they have to start over from there. they have no excuse not to listen to people anymore, and are still figuring out how to do right by others.

this is something they’re actively trying to correct - firstly, with steven, who they Very Much listen to. to the point of putting him on a pedestal. this is perhaps an overcorrection, along the lines of how rebecca sugar described peridot’s turn as, at least at her “new recruit” stage, overzealousness towards a form of caring that had never been on her radar before. 

this, of course, steven partially rejects (albeit gently) and tries to distance himself from. it’s not untrue that they’re not entirely over pink, either. for him, that’s still a sore point. but they are trying to grow & listen to others, however slowly.

like spinel, they understand they have flaws. they are earnestly trying to correct them. what both sides “need” is a chance to put these lessons into practice, forming new relationships instead of insisting on clinging to someone you’ve hurt (like they both tried with steven). 

now, they will attempt with each other. perhaps successfully, perhaps not, but nevertheless, it’s a chance to grow together, with a newfound understanding of how they, themselves, can screw it up. that, in  itself, is a good thing.

it’s a flawed starting point, because the characters themselves are supposed to still be flawed, yes. but to say that this undoes their growth, i think, is quite… heartless. like. they don’t need to be alone and in pain until they’re Perfectly Emotionally Mature, and only Then do they get to have relationships again. that’s not how people heal. they should be allowed to try, fail, explore, try again. that’s certainly in line with the movie’s core message.