#and also theres those two things that are a constant in my head

[catinasink]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[crucifiedfaerie]

Sparring Sessions ༉₊˚✧

Kylo Ren x Fem!Reader

➴ Summary: When Snoke makes you his training partner against his wishes, Kylo vows to make your little sessions as nightmarish as possible. But it gets increasingly more difficult for him as his feelings for you grow.

➴ Word Count: 3.2k

➴ Warnings: no actual smut but lots of sexual tension and slightly implied smut so 18+ MDNI, slowburn ??, snoke in his matchmaker era ???, reader's AND kylo's POV, kylo ren is a mean emotionally stunted dickhead as always, mean!kylo to soft!kylo, so much tension and mutual pining, reader has some fire in her and doesn't take his bs, crylo ren, A LOT of angst, a little bit of fluff, swearing, typos and saint being illiterate probably.

➴ Taglist: ( @enviedear @capitanostella @teapartydreams )

A/N: guys i kinda hate how this turned out. but idk im chronically too hard on myself at all times so maybe im just in my head about it. nonetheless, i really hope you guys enjoy. theres no smut in this one, and it is a oneshot currently, but if you guys do actually like it and request a part two, i will definitely consider making a part two with smut. also adam driver is sooo sexy in that gif like... LOOK AT HIM !!

Kylo Ren was always a loner at heart, sparing little attention towards his peers, let alone attempting to seek out positive relationships with them. He simply preferred to be left alone, his hot-headedness couldn't handle a person even remotely getting in his way.

The day Snoke told him he would be getting a training partner, he retreated to his quarters and threw what can only be described as a temper tantrum. His lightsaber shrieked as he swung at the durasteel walls, shouting profanities with each hit.

The following morning when you enthusiastically offered your hand to shake, Kylo simply stared at you. His dark eyes narrowed as they flitted from your outstretched hand to your face in a deadly glare. "We are not, and will not be friends... let's make that very clear." He stated coldly.

However, with each passing day, his hatred for you turned into something different. Despite Kylo's annoyance, he couldn't deny how beautiful you looked and he was constantly catching himself lowering his gaze to your lips.

As the months passed, your relationship built on hate evolved into a strange competition of who could annoy each other the most. Your constant bickering had even started to piss off the Stormtroopers.

The two of you would spend the first ten minutes of your sessions arguing over who got the shittier, cracked training saber. Kylo's favorite excuse being "I won more matches yesterday so I should get the better one." He'd use that even if it weren't true, as if he were hoping you'd somehow forgotten you'd beaten him multiple times the day before.

Some mornings you would breeze past him as he walked down the hall to the training bay. You'd sprint through the doors and hear his footsteps quicken behind you. Your level of speed was something Kylo could never match, which always made him mad. By the time he would make it through the doors, you would already be holding the better training saber, twirling it around in your hand. "Too slow, Ren." You would sneer at him.

Other times, Kylo would arrive to the training bay early, knowing by now that being punctual wasn't necessarily your thing. When you would try to take it from him, he would raise the saber as far as he could in the air, smirking as he took pleasure in watching your futile attempts to jump up and reach it. If Kylo's speed was inferior to yours, your height was most certainly inferior to Kylo's.

He would tell himself he hated how physically close you were to him in those moments, but deep down he knew that wasn't true. Each brush of fabric or slight bump against his side made his heart race... made him feel... something. And whatever it was, he resented you for making him feel that way.

This morning you had woken up feeling different. Your feelings for Kylo had been slowly evolving as well, and you seemed to be unable to get his dark eyes and stupid smirk out of your head. Truth be told, you were beginning to grow tired of how he treated you like some nuisance he only found pleasure in tormenting. As you walked down the quiet halls of Starkiller, you decided you were in no mood for his games today.

"Ten minutes late." Kylo shook his head, "That has got to be a new personal record." He jeered.

You scoff at him and roll your eyes, ignoring his jab and walking past him to pick up the damaged training saber he left for you. With your feet planted firmly on the floor, you take a fighting stance, waiting for him to make the first move.

Kylo lunged at you and instinctively you ducked, catching his saber with your own before pushing it away from your body.

You blocked each other's attacks in silence, the only sounds that filled the room were yours and Kylo's breathing and the clicks of dull metal blades hitting each other.

Kylo watched you intently with a dark gaze, gritting his teeth. Your fiery attitude always amused him. It was something he secretly really liked about you, so your silence today was unnerving. The longer you ignored him, the more he wanted to catch your attention.

"Hey." He said in a low tone as he dodged another one of your attacks.

Your eyes snap to his, narrowing. "What?"

Kylo took in your annoyed expression as a smirk tugged at his lips. He stepped closer, attempting to take a swipe at your abdomen with his blade before answering.

"You're looking lovely today." He smirked, attempting to catch you off guard.

You jumped back from his attack, his blade mere inches from making contact with your skin. "Very funny, Ren." You rolled your eyes, emphasizing his name in a sneer.

Kylo slightly shrugged, still smirking. "Why's it funny? Am I not allowed to compliment you?" He challenged, his tone still teasing.

"Not when it's laced with sarcasm." You mock his tone, taking another hard swing at him.

Kylo's lips curled into a smug grin as he catches your blade with his, pausing his attacks to look down at you, blades still touching. "But what if it isn't sarcasm?" He mused. In reality, he did genuinely think you looked lovely, but in the moment he was being sarcastic to get a reaction from you.

You laughed, ignoring his question. "You know for someone who hates my guts, you sure do try to make quite a bit of conversation with me." You took the opportunity to use your saber to knock his from his hands, sending it to the floor with a clatter. "I'd even say you have a crush on me or something." You jabbed, smirking.

Kylo's jaw clenched at your words, his fists tightening as he watched his saber fall to the ground. He tried to hide that your words struck a nerve with him, and that you were completely right. He did hate you... once upon a time, but things were different now and he absolutely despised how easily you could call him on his bullshit.

"Fucking- shut up." He snapped.

You let out a small huff of a laugh. He was never good at hiding his anger.

"With pleasure." You dropped your saber to the floor and gave a sarcastic curtsy before walking past him, bumping shoulders with him on purpose as you made your way to the door.

Kylo's eye twitched. "You-" He was filled with an insurmountable amount of rage at your audacity. You had really gotten under his skin this time. "Where do you think you're going? Training doesn't end for another two hours." He demanded, his tone shifting dramatically towards cold authority.

You groaned in annoyance. "To my quarters to be alone... Away from you! I'm done for the day."

Kylo scoffed at you, his ego bruised. "Of course you're going to run off. You're too much of a baby to train with me." He stepped in front of you, blocking your straight path to the door as he crossed his arms.

"Asshole." You rolled your eyes and muttered under your breath before swiftly darting around him and out the door, leaving him alone in the training room.

His pride was hurt, and he wasn't going to let this go. He stood in the training bay doorway and shouted at you down the hall. "You know what? Don't bother coming back tomorrow! I'll tell Snoke having you as a training partner was a mistake, that you'll never be good enough to train with me."

"Fine!" You shouted back at him, waving your hand in the air behind you and not even turning to look in his direction. "I'm done being treated like scum by you anyways!" You turn the corner, leaving him standing at the end of the empty hall.

Panic and regret instantly washed over him as he watched you disappear around the corner. Kylo didn't actually want you gone, he only said it to get under your skin. He wasn't expecting you to so nonchalantly agree.

Why did I do that?

Kylo tried so hard to resist the thoughts and feelings he had for you that plagued his mind, how just the sight of you made him feel... funny. He always thought that maybe if he was mean enough to you, they would go away. But now with you gone completely, the feelings only rose to the surface.

"Fuck." He muttered to himself as he leaned on the doorframe, face in his hands.

When he looked up his expression hardened, noticing a Stormtrooper in the training bay staring at him. "What are you looking at!?" He yelled.

That night you laid on your bed staring at the ceiling, replaying the events in your head, which only made you angrier.

You massaged your temples in annoyance. "Stupid fucking man-child with his stupid fucking beautiful face and h-"

Your mumbling was interrupted by a light tapping at your door. It was pretty late, and most of the crew was asleep, so you were confused as to who would be knocking on your door at this hour. You were in no mood to talk to anyone though, so you just laid there, hoping whoever it was would go away.

After a few moments of silence, you heard Kylo's voice on the other side of the door.

"It's uh... It's me. I know you can hear me." The sound of his voice caught you off guard, his tone was one you'd never heard from him before. He sounded almost... sheepish.

"I'm sleeping." You shout back to him.

You thought you heard him let out a small laugh. "No you aren't. I just wanted to talk to you. Just- Can I come in? Please?" There was a slight whine to his voice.

You got up and swung the door open, glaring at him. "What?" You gestured for him to enter, your annoyance with him clear from your expression and hand movements.

Kylo stepped into your room, before you practically slammed it shut. He looked as if he were trying to look everywhere but directly at you. "I just... wanted you to know I'm..." He couldn't even finish his sentence. "I shouldn't have said what I said earlier."

You laughed, leaning against your door. "Are you in my room... apologizing to me right now? I'm sorry I just wanna make sure I'm not in some weird dream." You looked at him with a mixture of amusement and perplexity.

Kylo scoffed at you, trying to hide the slight strain in his voice. "I'm not apologizing. I'm just being... courteous... for once."

"..... Courteous?" You laughed, unable to hide how much enjoyment you were getting from this.

He rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, shifting slightly. "Look, just because I'm here doesn't mean I'm not still pissed at you. I'm not saying I'm sorry. I do still despise you, after all."

"Oh, sure." You said sarcastically, nodding your head. "Because when I despise a person, I definitely feel the need to come to their room at midnight to explain myself."

Kylo's eye twitched as you called him out. "I do despise you! I just realized I may have gone too far, so don't be so full of yourself. Gods- I wouldn't have come here if I knew you'd be such a nightmare!"

You sighed, the amusement fading back into hurt and contempt. "If you only came here to insult me and make the situation worse, you can leave and never see me again. Which I'm sure you would love."

He took a step closer to you, pausing before speaking as a twinge of guilt crossed his expression. "Please stay." He tried to sound stern, but he knew he was in no position to give you any commands. "Look... just... come back to training tomorrow." He could feel the power slipping through his fingers.

You've gone soft, Ren. Lost your edge.

Your eyes narrowed as you glared at him. "I'll see you tomorrow." You said coldly, opening the door and gesturing for him to leave.

Kylo's brow furrowed, his ego bruised once again by your attitude towards him, but relieved that you agreed to stay. "Fine." He replied, a glint of anger returning to his eyes.

He went to storm out of your quarters, before stopping in his tracks just outside your door. "I... goodnight." He sounded pained.

What is wrong with me?

You laughed at him again, which only made him seethe. When he turned around to say something though, he realized you had already shut the door, leaving him in the dark emptiness of the hallway.

Kylo clenched his fists, his eyes burning with anger and want. He took a deep breath, trying to compose himself, trying to ignore the nagging thought of just... being honest with you about his feelings. Apologizing and asking you to come with him back to his chambers.

Don't be fucking stupid, Ren. She wouldn't want that. Just go now and save yourself the embarrassment.

He walked back towards his quarters, his head hung low, thoughts racing. When he entered his room, he slowly made his way to his bed before collapsing on the soft, dark sheets.

He attempted to rationalize the situation in his head, tried to brush off the entire interaction as nothing.

It's fine. This is just how we are. Tomorrow, we'll go back to normal.

Except none of it felt normal anymore.

Kylo was a mess. The entire ordeal had knocked him completely off balance, making him question himself for the first time. He took a deep breath, the anger in his heart fading to soul crushing emptiness.

Gods- Why am I like this? Every time I want to be kind, I end up going cold and pushing her even further away... I couldn't even say I was sorry and now she fucking hates me.

I dont even know why I want to be so nice to her, she constantly has an attitude and she acts like she's better than me.

His heart sank as he realized.

She is better than me.

He fought back tears, ashamed by his own weakness. Kylo laid completely still, taking a few more deep breaths before finally surrendering.

He shuddered as tears began to fall, and for the first time in his life, he wished he had someone there who he didn't have to hide his pain from.

You sat on the edge of your bed, knee bouncing and staring at the floor. Your mind was running a million light years a minute as you argued with yourself, your heartache and your anger having a moral battle.

I shouldn't have been so harsh, he seemed genuinely remorseful there for a moment... until I made fun of him.

Oh please. Ren is never remorseful about anything. He just enjoys tormenting me at training and was worried about losing that.

But there was an air about Kylo tonight... something different. Something softer that only a trained eye could have seen. And you saw it, you know you did. It was something you had never seen from him before.

I need to talk to him.

You quickly stood up and rushed out the door of your quarters. You didn't make it twenty feet down the hallway before you ran into something- someone.

You yelped at the sudden collision. As your eyes adjusted to the darkness of the quiet hallway you looked up and your eyes connected with Kylo's. Usually he had this perpetual expression of anger on his face, but now he looked... sad?

It's him.

It's her.

Kylo froze, his body tensing slightly once he realized you were mere inches from him. He had a second realization, and a small wave of excitement and nervousness washed over him.

Did she come to see me too?

"W-what are you doing here?" You whispered, not wanting to admit you were headed to see him.

"What are you doing here?" Kylo asked back, tilting his head. The truth was, he had just finished crying and he was fighting the urge to tell you how badly he needed you. How every time you're near him he finds himself gazing at your lips. How he absolutely adores your fiery attitude that always comes out the most during your sparring sessions, despite how much he pretended to hate it. It was a losing battle, he could only hide how he felt for so long.

"I asked first..." You attempt to retort, but trailing off as you notice his tear stained cheeks in the dim lighting of the hallway. Your expression softens. "Ren, have you been crying?"

Before you could even begin to process the foreign idea of someone as cold as Kylo crying, your face was in his hands and his lips were crashing into yours.

You froze initially, before melting into him. His kiss was full of need, months of tension snapping as your lips moved against his. He moved his hands down to wrap his arms around you. His grip on you was gentle but he held you tightly, as if he feared you would disappear at any moment.

Kylo pulled away just for a moment to breathe, pressing his forehead against yours. His heart raced with emotion, and his body felt entirely out of his control.

"I don't care if you hate me, I just couldn't survive much longer without telling you how much I need you." His voice was soft but there was a tinge of desperation to it.

Your fingers snaked their way through his dark locks. "I never hated you, I just thought you hated me." You smiled slightly, out of breath.

The energy from your touch and your words surged through Kylo's body, any remnants of the fear and contempt he felt just hours ago had now disappeared completely.

"I only ever hated myself for feeling something I didn't understand. But I understand now." He whispered before kissing you again, this time more urgently.

You were everything Kylo ever wanted. Your touch, your voice, your presence. Everything about you enchanted him and in that moment he felt like he had known you for far longer than he actually had. He couldn't stop kissing you, and he never wanted to stop.

Instinctively, you moaned against his mouth. The sound of the sweet noises he drew from you made his whole body feel like it was on fire. He pushed you against the durasteel wall, his lips sliding down your neck and then back up to your mouth. He smirked against your skin at your soft gasps of pleasure.

Kylo pulled away again for a moment, his dilated eyes locked on yours as he breathed heavily. He quickly took your hand into his own, gripping it tightly before taking a few steps back, pulling you away from the wall and leading you down the hallway to his quarters.

The sounds of your hushed laughter and shushing of each other filled the quiet of the hallway as you both practically ran hand in hand. If someone else had been in the halls, you would have looked like two school children running off to do something you shouldn't.

You knew you would both be late to training tomorrow morning, and so did he... but neither of you really cared.

[actualbird]

thinking about mariluke again… given how marius is afraid of really trusting people and showing his heart bc he’s been used so many times before and his family situation… and given luke is all “you before me” and “wow im literal scum i don’t deserve nice things” how do you think they break down that roadblock to become lovers? do you think one of them would realise this isn’t okay and work on it or would they need a push from someone else?

you 🤝 me

thinking about mariluke

i very much relate to the feeling, anon, HVSKJFVKSDHFS

but oh my gosh i adore this ask because u hit the nail on the head on what like, their core internal conflicts are, respectively. definitely not their only conflicts, but these ones are ones that i see as the driving force behind a lot of their actions. for marius, it's the constant struggle of "can i trust you?", for luke it's his lack of self worth and the resulting neglect of his own safety/needs/desires coming from it.

before i answer the questions tho i wanna say first that those two issues do stem from core Wants that theyve got (and i wanna say this first cuz it will tie into my answers/thoughts HAHA).

like, marius is always cautious and holding his cards and heart close to himself not just because of all the betrayals hes experienced and in general the Life He Lives (though that is a Huge factor), but also because it's connected to his want for honesty, earnestness, and genuineness. though these two are interconnected, it's not a Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Egg situation (or in this case….Which Came First, The Yearning Or The Trust Issues? JHVKSJDFH), they exist simultaneously and feed into each other. he wants, he has trouble receiving what he wants because of his fears but his fears are also put into higher gear because of how Much he wants, and in turn the lack leads to his desire gets magnified and the stakes for his fears getting even higher as well. aaaand all this gets further complicated when u throw in marius’ low view of himself as well (while it’s not as prominent/delved-into in canon as luke’s, it’s Very Much There, see this past analysis i did about marius and emotional distancing which is the most recent analysis i did i think on the topic)

meanwhile with luke, his propensity to put others before himself always is in partly caused by how lowly he sees himself (if hes worth nothing and others are worth more, then he should be the ones taking the blows or enduring the pains), but Both those things are ultimately caused by his desire to Be Good and Do Good for Another. “for Another” is a key phrase here, because luke imo is driven by devotion. it has to be someone else. and if he sees himself as bad, then the good thing to do is to neglect himself, and a better use of his life is to serve Another that he Sees as good. like marius, this is all interconnected too. his want to do good feeds into his self sacrificial tendencies, his low view of himself allows him to do more of what he perceives to be good, etc etc. tho of course, with luke, theres the whole obvious glaring sign that what he Perceives to be good isnt good at all (ex. when he becomes overprotective to the point of taking away choice/agency from the very person hes protecting, protection becomes presumptuous condescension, and this all gets in flux since goodness is subjective based on whos lens ur looking from) but at the end of the day thats a bulk of whats driving a lot of decisions.

now when things get to romantic relationship, both these respective desires seen through the lens of romantic love can be reworded into:

for marius, it’s “do you love me? can i trust that your love is real? are you telling the truth when you say im worthy of love?”

and for luke, it’s “am i good enough for your love? have i earned it? will i allow myself to believe i’ve earned it when you say i have?”

(sidenote: …..oh my god, marius is basically “Real Love” by Carly Rae Jepsen

"The world is going crazy And it feels like I just don't know who to trust sometimes Thunder's coming over me, I need to get a hold of you now We're getting good at lying No one's saying what's keeping us all awake at night Something's coming over me, I need to get a hold of you now […] I go everyday without it All I want is real, real love And I've been feeling weak without it Only want a real, real love"

and luke is “All That” also by Carly Rae Jepsen

"I wanna play this for you all the time I wanna play this for you when you're feeling used and tired I wanna make the best so you want more […] I'll be the magic you won't ever see You can always rely on me To help you do what you want to do I wanna be the best you've ever known […] Show me if you want me If I'm all that I will be that"

i cant believe CRJ ships mariluke)

NOW back to ur question. i personally dont think this is an Either Or situation, i think it’s a Both Simultaneously kinda thing.

cuz first off, change can only happen when the person who has to do the change actively works on it. no amount of support system can do it for the person if the person themselves isnt putting in the work. BUT input from another Helps very much, especially with mariluke imo cuz like……..these two are two sides of the same coin. so many of their insecurities and fears and wants are similar. not Exactly the same, but similar enough that i think they get each other on a really personal level

(sidenote im coming in with another song but i tell everybody who has the misfortune of listening to me that “just like i do” by loveless is THE mariluke song for me because….come on

"Do you feel alone just like I do? Do you hate the sound of your heartbeat too? Do you feel alone just like I do? Do you hate the sound of your heartbeat too? This is all I own, 'til I face the truth Yeah, I feel alone in a crowded room"

i cant believe loveless ships mariluke too waow)

heres how they can help each other:

marius keeps his heart behind tall and strong walls because of how his world works and how his life has gone, yet all he yearns for is sincerity. and luke gives that in full earnestness, and is probably surprised by how much that means to marius.

(remember the CRJ songs i associated with both of them?

marius: "and it feels like i dont know who to trust sometimes"

luke: "i'll be the magic you won't eve see / you can always rely on me")

luke wears his heart on his sleeve, on the arms that are always fighting for whoever or whatever hes devoted to. luke keeps secrets, yes, but thats mostly in regards to how he sees, treats, and values (or rather, doesnt value) himself. but marius, who is trained in the art of putting up a mask or building a fortress to hide, would see through luke’s secrecy and see how badly luke treats himself under the guise of being good for others to be worthy of love.

(luke: "i wanna be the best youve ever known / show me if you want me"

marius: "i need to get a hold of you now")

luke shows what marius wants and marius sees what luke hides; both of these things, one way or another, calling attention to both of their respective internal conflicts.

i dont think they fix each other, or rather thats not how my personal ideal view of how their relationship goes. i think they see each other.

("do you feel alone just like i do?")

and in seeing, they learn more about themselves and realize that part of loving another person is also in bettering one’s self. marius loving luke more than hes afraid of getting hurt. luke loving marius more than how he wants to hate himself.

they both realize that the internal issues theyve got are not okay, and that they need to work on it. but they realize that once understood by the other and once realizing that their love is more important to them than fear or hatred.

....i feel so normal about them (lie)

[twobruhsinahottub]

TW: health concerns, doctors being assholes, vent / rant, long text post

Worried that i may be developing tardive dyskinesia- im on antipsychotic meds and have been for years now, i take a very low dose but have a lot of side effects already and now im getting facial tics relatively often....tho i also get other tics so maybe its some other thing, but ALL my tics are centred around my head/neck/face area. I should see a doctor but a few years ago i was getting vocal tics and facial tics and asked my doctor about it and he said it was just anxiety and its "common for teenage girls to think they have tics because its trendy on social media" so idk. Hes not my doc anymore but i dont trust doctors to really listen to me about my symptoms.

Also been getting migraines all the time, bad pains each month, dizziness, the shakes, and seeing stars and feeling faint and nauseous.....most symptoms of genetic conditions that run in the family, such as diabetes, and pcos, and migraines. Again, i should see a doctor but-

My GP is transphobic and fatphobic and rather rude and ableist which baffles me since shes a DOCTOR. Shes also my mums GP and she constantly tells her she needs to lose weight or have weight loss surgery and that shes not really disabled (she has EDS, POTS, fibro, CFS, amongst other things) shes just lazy and using "buzz words" from the internet (shes had these conditions since before the internet was invented ffs, she just finally has words to describe her symptoms since those conditions weren't widely talked about until recently)!!! The doc also refuses to use my pronouns despite having asked me in the first place or listen to me when I ask about medical transition. She also refuses to acknowledge my chronic pain and menstruation problems (cause of my pain, its constant, and so is the bleeding....also pmdd) saying "all girls feel that way" (um sorry? No? No other girls i know spend weeks with excruciating pain and cant leave the house due to pain and bleeding for at least a week per month if not more. No other girls i know end up in a psych ward because of how bad their suicidal ideation gets before their period is due.). She also refuses to listen to my mum when she peaks on my behalf due to verbal shutdown in the doctors office and inability to make phone calls due to it triggering shutdowns as well, she says im old enough to talk so i need to be in control (i am. I control what my mum says on my behalf. I tell her before we go in what i need to say, and she relays that. I nod or shake my head or shrug to her so she knows my answer to questions. I have a system of taps or sometimes text her to tell her to stop talking or say something further. I AM communicating, i just shut down verbally and cannot communicate to anyone but her when at a doctor appointment) and she won't listen to what my mum says, and asks us to leave when i dissociate and ignore all attempts at communication when she insists i verbally speak to her (at that point, nothing will work, because i feel incredibly pressured and then wont communicate at all to anyone, and often melt down or panic).

^ and no, just cant get a new GP. My current one is an hours drive away because there are none taking new patients in my area, and im out of zone for all the youth services due to my town bordering two regions. If theres any taking patients then its either more than an hour away and simply impractical to get there when needed, or it costs too much to get an appointment. Not to mention my communication struggles are worse with new people, especially doctors, and ive had the same doctor since birth so :/

I also dont have a counsellor or psychiatrist because despite having specific funding for it, there are none in my area! I had a great one then she quit, and the CAMHS one fired me for not speaking (??????) and again, new people? Hard.

Fuck I hate this and my developing health problems. I was healthy my entire life, like i didnt even get a cold more than once every couple years!!! I always had mental health problems but never physical. Now i feel like shit constantly. It all started with puberty which is also when yk, doctors decided that everything was "teenage girl syndrome" or just anxiety 🙄

[the-s1lly-corner]

Elaboration on why you think you already know why your face is hurting? If you're open to it

Bad teeth, horrid teeth, I kind of ramble. Heads up I briefly mention mental health stuff and child neglect but I dont really dive deep into it but you guys know I like to add warnings just in case

Saying this now, admin does not know any terms when it comes to tooth stuff or dentist stuff so take descriptions with a grain of salt + when future plans for my care were discussed it was while I was still all fuzzed out on the gas they give people sometimes <\3

Very likely I'll probably delete this since this is a bit of a touchy thing

Got my dad's small mouth/jaw and my moms fucky teeth- idk what or if theres something running genetically in the family but the afabs on my moms side have teeth there are very susceptible to rot. At one point it was so tight in my mouth that a tooth just. Started cracking?? Said tooth happened to also have a cavity soooooooo.... and it was one of my front teeth too so triple bummer...

Add in the fact that when the cavity first formed my parents werent. Really around.. so uh.. no dentist visit for YEARS until the tooth cracked further, brushing can only do so much in this case + horrid mental health made self care hard. Bed rotting is very real and its horrible- will get onto just how bad the tooth was in a sec

Didnt get taken to the dentist til I was 17 when the crack worsened. First trip had to get a tooth pulled because I had two and a half teeth crammed in one space. Baby tooth never came out. Now one of my adult teeth rests mostly under my tongue. But the tooth removal DID relieve some of the pressure on my lower jaw!! Yay!! Theres still a gap but it's a little smaller than it was before. Dreading my wisdom teeth

Anyways back to the fucked up cracked tooth. Details are fuzzed since this was about 2ish years ago and I was on that funky gas because anxiety + literally the first time I could consciously remember going to the dentist + body sometimes jerks so... yeah!

Anyways

Apparantly the nerve in that cracked front tooth was nearly exposed. Like there was just a thin layer of... tooth.. stuff.. in the way, according to the dentist you could easily see the nerve behind it?? How I wasn't in constant pain was beyond me because jesus fucking christ

Dental plan! Sealed the tooth/glued it together because the main reason I got taken to the dentist to get the damaged assessed was! Graduation photos were coming up very fast and my mom didnt want me to have a cracked fucked tooth in my photos, but she also didnt want to do anything that could make my face swollen

So cue a "we're gonna come up with a plan later, for now we're going to metaphorically and literally hold this tooth together with glue until it cant keep it together anymore!" Soooooo

Here we are!

Reason I think my tooth is the problem is because it's on the same side right above that tooth, though now that I sit here aggressively breathing in through my nose to try to pin point WHERE it hurts (because unfortunately its ine of those "general areas but not exact" things), it feels too high up to be the tooth.. I mean I'm not gonna rule it out because I know bodies are weird but

Yk

Idk I'll probably bring it up to my mom, I'm kind of on edge since I know mouth tooth stuff can escalate quick and cause some NASTY complications

At least my actual teeth dont hurt at all??

If not the teeth its likely a sinus infection, I have been having a fucked up nose (running and stuffy) though I've mostly been attributing that to the weather... shrugs.. guess we'll just have to see!

[3terna15unshin3]

Then Because She Goes

Cry, I will love you, love you, love you

★ Chapter 13 of 15, 3498 words

★ Matty Healy x Original Female Character

★ warnings: angst, descriptions of grief and depression

<< 12

18 September, 2019

Matty was right. Everything was okay. Until it wasn’t, and Este got the call.

She dropped everything to catch a plane to London. A train would be too slow. She had to be with her family. The two weeks she spent there felt like some of the longest weeks of her life.

There wasn’t a moment that the universe let her mind rest—it was a constant buzz of anger, sadness, release. She was mad that bad things happened to good people. Sad that there was so little time left. And eventually, two Mondays later, it happened. Este thought that when it did, her emotions would peak and then she’d be on the comedown—slowly, she guessed. But it wasn’t. Every day felt like the worst of what was to come. And the worst kept coming.

The clothes draped on her body remained the same for too long. Even their musty stench that grew as time passed couldn’t inspire her to change, so Cate had to force her out of them. She’d been helpful through those horrid weeks, constantly checking up on her best friend, even coming down to London a couple of times to take Este’s mind off of things and attempt to bring her back down to earth.

Two days after the dreaded Monday, they came back home to Manchester to grab some more of their things. Enough to last them through the weekend and however long Este felt she would need to stay. Work was a worry, but it didn’t matter to her as much as it probably should have.

After helping her flatmate pack another bag and essentially petting her head to sleep, Cate considered how intensely Este’s life had been put on hold to make room for her grief. There was no time to make new memories when she was all consumed with trying to cling to the ones with Florencia. Este was terrified of the reality that one day she’d struggle to remember them as brightly as they once were.

Cate thought about the increasing number displayed in the red notification bubble at the corner of her Messages app, and the people waiting to hear from her. The plans Este must have had, and their inevitable rain-checks. That’s when Matty came to mind. She decided that sending him a text would aid in planning their accommodations back in London, in case of some small chance that he’d have time to be there for the rites.

Matty Healy (famous)

Yesterday at 20:50 PM

hey. i thought i’d let you know that the funeral is on saturday morning. wasn’t sure if este invited you out but i know she’d want you there

i also have no idea where in the world you even are rn

so if you can’t make it then don’t worry

Today at 06:04 AM

Funeral????

I haven’t heard from her since this past Saturday

What’s going on

oh my god. she didn’t tell you

i’m so sorry you had to find out this way and that it isn’t coming from este but her nan passed away on monday.

Shit

I don’t know what to say, I’m so sorry

Can I ask what happened?

she’s been in remission for a couple of years, but in mid august ish she got super sick again. everything happened really fast and there weren’t any treatment options.

so at the beginning of september este went down to stay with josé in the house. the whole family went. they at least got to be with each other for her last couple of weeks

Is she still there in London or are u guys in Manchester

she just arrived back to the flat to pick up more of her stuff and figure out her leave from work and stuff with sam

we’re staying the night but heading back tomorrow. wake is on friday morning and the funeral the next day

Was just trying to figure out if somehow I could make it but I’m in Auckland

Would take days on a plane and we have a bunch of Australian shows coming up

I don’t think theres a way

it’s ok matty. she’ll understand

sorry for loading this all on you out of nowhere

No, thank you for telling me

Please let me know if there’s something I can do. Even from all the way out here

Anything

Today at 11:29 AM

i will

but also, just as a heads up, este really is not in a good place. she’s in good hands, so you dont have to worry or anything, but maybe just wait for her to reach out first before saying anything. hopefully you can understand why i ask that of you

hope your shows in australia go well x

Of course I understand x

Thank you Cate

Matty’s heart broke for Este and her family when he read the texts sitting in his notifications after his long plane journey out to New Zealand. In the car ride over to the hotel, Hann took note of how unusually his mouth was pressed into a flat line as he furiously typed away on his phone, eventually asking him what was up.

“Cate’s just told me that Este’s nan just passed.” he explained, “She was just super vague at the start about a funeral and I haven’t heard from Este at all, so I panicked,”

“Did you think she was inviting you to Este’s funeral?”

“Dunno, really. ‘Funeral’ is just a scary word.” Matty continued typing as Cate’s responses came through.

“Shit. Sorry, mate.” said George, giving his condolences. “How old was she?”

“75. Cate’s saying it was cancer.” As he read more texts, the further it was explained.

“The nan with the gallbladder?” Ross asked, a contained amusement sitting on his face as he brought up the story he shared when the guys had first met Este and Cate.

Matty threw him a grimace. “Yes, Ross. I’m sure she had a gallbladder. But if you mean the one who was my nurse after I got mine removed, then also yes.” Despite how inappropriate his joke seemed, Matty was glad the mood lifted when it gained a couple bittersweet chuckles from the rest of the guys. “Este never told me about any of it, so I’m just a bit shocked,”

He’d been frozen with grief before, so he didn’t blame her for not saying anything. Letting her heal was necessary—and his feelings couldn’t matter less in this situation. Plus, the idea of sending a message was too scary. He didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, or want to overstep. So Cate suggesting he let Este come to him first helped him with the internal dilemma.

She almost regretted reaching out to Matty after discovering that Este hadn’t told him about Florencia. It felt like crossing a boundary; like something that should have been shared on her accord instead of by her best friend over text. To clear her conscience, Cate confessed what she had done as they sat on the train back to London the next day.

“Hey,” she started, to break the silence and grab Este’s attention. Her sad eyes looked up to acknowledge the conversation and her curious eyebrows raised.

“Yesterday I was thinking about where I’d be staying this weekend and if there would be enough room at your grandparents’ house. Which I know you said there would be—but it just had me thinking about everyone who may need accommodations for coming in from out of town—and I thought of Matty. Which in retrospect, was stupid in the first place, since his literal house is in London. Impulsively I just sent him a text without even asking you first, and I feel really guilty for intruding, especially since he let me know that you hadn’t told him or anything. So I’m sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking in the moment, I just—“

A reassuring and gentle hand was felt on Cate’s forearm. It was Este’s, as if to say, ‘It’s okay’. She gave a soft smile and Cate showed one similarly, still holding her breath from the anticipation of what reaction the fact she revealed may conjure.

All she did was swipe away Cate’s auburn hair before leaning her head on her shoulder—where the hair once sat—so that the weight wouldn’t pull on it, sighing quietly. Este didn’t feel strongly about anything at that moment, letting the clunky sounds of the train and the presence of her best friend envelop her numbness.

It wasn’t an active decision to keep Matty uninformed. It was probably due to her refusing to believe it would ever come to the point of relevance. That if she didn’t admit that Florencia was sick again, then the gut-wrenching inevitability couldn’t be real life. And once it was—as much as Este craved the comfort she knew he’d provide her—she couldn’t be rational. It was an all-consuming paralysis.

The air in the house was heavy. Endless paperwork screamed for attention from the dining room table, so her parents and granddad were busy dealing with that; not saying much to the two girls as they entered. A touch on the small of Este’s back was given by José, who didn’t usually use his words to show his love for her anyway. The warmth from where his hand brushed against her lingered for a couple of long seconds.

Before Cate and Este reached the spare room they’d be sharing for the weekend, her mother stopped them.

“You should look at the flowers on the counter, E. They’re beautiful.” said Percy.

Setting her bags down, Este agreed and stepped back out to the kitchen. The bouquet that came into her view was huge. They had received flowers from a couple of people since Monday, mostly dainty and affordable and easy to look at. But this one took her by surprise; its full shape made up of the most colourful foliage she could imagine. Her Lola would have loved it.

You could sense Florencia’s kookiness from the loud and maximalist decor throughout her house. Este acquired the hoarding habits from her. She could recall a couple of times her nan commented on how boring she found pre-made bunches from the supermarket, and how she wished she could combine every different type of bouquet to have one that actually interested her. If someone told Este that her grandmother picked the flowers sitting on the counter in front of her, she’d believe them.

“Wow, they are beautiful.” She mumbled, about to ask her family if they knew who had sent them.

But, a note card stuck out of the top. Este flipped it open.

‘For Este-

Life is just as precious and beautiful as it is unfair. I am so sorry it has been unfair to you. I feel both lucky to have even briefly known Florencia, and also terrible that I can’t be there to support you. Thinking of your family always.

All my love

Matty x’

Her shaky hand grabbed the card and slipped it into the pocket of her sweats for safekeeping—her question now answered. One day she would be able to accept how thoughtful his words were, and even send him a message to say thank you. But that day wasn’t today.

-

23 September, 2019

Sam knew he had to hire another employee at Greenhouse to make up for Este’s absences.

Over the years, there had been many occasions where time off was needed by either her or Oliver or even the owner himself; so there were a few solutions they’d usually jump to. A couple of close friends of the store had been kept on the store’s payroll to jump in when needed. But, Sam had a feeling that he’d be in need of something more. Meeting Este when she was a mere nineteen years old, he was aware of the tightly knit family she possessed—and he had never seen her in the state she was in now. This was clearly world-shifting for her.

She tried to insist on coming back to work that Monday morning, only a week to the day of her grandmother’s passing. Sam could hear the quiet quiver in her voice when they spoke on the phone, already in the process of sorting through CVs and inviting potential hires for interviews. Not with the intent to replace Este, but to ensure she could take the full time she needed off without the pressure of letting the business down. Of course, he refused to make her travel all the way back to Manchester and firmly encouraged her to stay with her family for as long as she wished to.

So, Este stayed in London—for much longer than she expected to. Weeks went by and she was still there. Her mum and dad were forced to leave not long after the weekend of the funeral; on account of some dodgy conversation with their bosses about time off. It didn’t feel right to leave José alone in the house. Este felt his sorrow through their silence. They slept under the same roof every night, both shutting their eyes to be able to see the sparkling memories of Florencia that were painted on the inside of their eyelids.

She did a lot of sleeping, for that very reason. And randomly got really good at Scrabble. Her and her granddad had played a couple of times which sparked her interest, but it soon spiralled into Este playing against computers through an app on her phone for most hours of the day. She thought to herself, After this game I’ll get up and do something else. But she never got up and she never did anything else.

Her vocabulary expanded. Este even considered ordering a Scrabble dictionary off of Amazon. She paid for Prime, so it could even come tomorrow. It’s okay, she reassured, It’ll wear off. I won’t sit here and play Scrabble until the end of time.

But what if I do? she feared.

-

Percy came to visit quite frequently. To both make sure her father and daughter were holding up, all alone in London, and to feel closer to Florencia. The house still smelled like her. Sometimes, she’d have to remind Este to go out and buy groceries after seeing that they were running low; or convince José to pay his bills on time. He had a hard time remembering what day it was.

She brought Dano with her whenever she was over. It helped spike Este’s mood, though temporarily. Her voice would reach its excited high pitch when she heard his paws tap on the hardwood floor and shower him in the only love she had left in her.

Este liked letting her family’s golden retriever up onto her bed, even though the fur that he left behind sometimes made her sneeze in the middle of the night. She liked how warm he was and that the in-and-out of his breathing helped punctuate her thoughts.

One night, she took a break from resting her face against him and gave Cate a call. She was nice enough to come back from Manchester a couple of times to bring more of Este’s belongings from their flat, helping to make the spare room feel more like her own. Cate saw her grief for what it was and gave Este the rigidity that others were scared to. The words she had trouble saying to herself felt easier to believe when her best friend was on the receiving line. Gently petting Dano’s coat, her voice escaped with a tremble.

She talked about how after seeing a trailer for a film called The Farewell (that was coincidentally about a sick grandmother) on the telly a couple of days ago, she hadn’t turned it on since. How she thought rereading Little Women might comfort her, but then she reached the part where Beth dies and couldn’t finish it. How she dreamt of her Lola every night.

But alas, the ponderous energy of the air around her lifted slightly. And when Cate hung up, after both girls lost track of time and realised the late hour, Este leaned back down onto Dano like he was her pillow, surprised to find his fur all wet with her tears.

-

29 October, 2019

Following the release of the third single for Notes On A Conditional Form, Frail State of Mind, Matty and the rest of the band had a couple of weeks off before playing Pitchfork Music Festival in Paris. Though they were still busy writing, the time away from performing left Matty thinking about Este more often. Sure, he was sort of always thinking of her; but it felt elevated during their first long break since he’d last heard from her.

He had sent a couple of texts to Cate to make sure she was alright, but never felt entitled to know more than just that. So, he was shocked to see messages waiting for him, from Este. The sheer anticipation made his thumb shake as it clicked to open it.

E ★

Today at 18:11 PM

I know this is more than a month overdue, but thank you for the flowers and sweet message. They were the most beautiful we’d received. The whole family loved them, and I’m sure my nan would have too

Pls don’t feel bad about not coming in for the funeral. I remembered that you’d be too far and that’s ok. It’s me that should be sorry for not letting u know what was going on. You deserved to know. But I’d be lying if I said i was doing better. Things are still really hard

I hope u can believe me when i say that I really do appreciate you Matty. I know you would be there for me if I let you in. But im sort of struggling to let anyone in rn.

Sorry for spamming you, I will text soon x

Este theres nothing you should be apologising for

Losing my nan was one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through

I’m never more than a text away, just remember that xx

Congrats on the new song too, you can imagine I relate to it a bit. Lol

After those few messages, Matty stopped hearing from her. They gave him a bit of hope, so Este’s radio silence hurt him a little bit more the second time around. He gave up reaching out after just over a month of no responses. Once in a while he would send a text to Cate, just to snuff his fear of something worse going on, and she assured him that she was alive. Not necessarily ‘good’, but alive. Matty guessed that it was a sufficient response and eventually stopped pestering.

It felt odd to mix the song he wrote about her in the studio while they weren’t even in contact. With it only running for a couple of seconds more than two minutes, they didn’t spend an overwhelming amount of time on it. But, as Matty listened back to his buried vocals that sang the lyrics he wrote about Este and their short bursts of memories between dragging months apart, he couldn’t help but yearn for her.

He liked that the song was so short, and that the lyrics were hard to pick apart. It felt like a little moment. The final line, ‘Will you stay or wait?’ repeated through Matty’s head as they perfected the song’s shoe-gazey production, booming in his chest through its painful relevance.

When they reached America for their final leg of tour that year, her name was sketched into Matty’s ear whenever they performed I Couldn’t Be More In Love. But what about these feelings I’ve got, he thought—too literally.

He would meet a fan that had a dimple and would think of her. Or one that had a septum piercing. And think of her if he ever drove past a small book shop.

Then, inevitably, Matty could feel the brightest element of his life slowly dim to darkness—fading into a fleeting moment of his past. But the memory stayed, along with a small glimmer of hope. And he knew he’d be at her feet the minute Este wanted him there again.

14 >>

[asteralis-01]

Hello hi I’m still losing it over this song and how well it fits with my oc so I’m gonna infodump even though none of you understand what I’m talking about. Also I am scared of ppl figuring out who I am so Im using other names for them lest someone recognize them.

“Heatseeker, I’m just looking for the truth,

Heatseeker and I’m shooting for the moon

Heatseeker, yeah, be I’m looking for a way

I’d rather be lost than to stay the same”

BC HYUNG IS LITERALLY A HEAT SEEKER! SHE IS HOT (like actively on fire hot I mean) AND SHE SEEKS!! Hyungs most important character arc is that she is looking for her best friend, S, that disappeared- that everyone assumed her to be dead but no one even looked for her. She also knew that the news was lying, because they claimed she died in a way she most definitely would have. Hyung knew that they were working on a portal, Hyung KNEW S was going to go in there at some point or another. BULLSHIT she died while playing with some electrical stuff in a forest that’s a lie! Hyung knew she wasn’t that stupid, Hyung knew everyone was lying to her and she was the only one who even knew there was a truth to uncover.

S is based on the sun, and theres another character who is meant to be her parallel and is based off the moon, so that’s a bit of a stretch but Hyung always associated S with the finer details of the world, the curiosity and fondness it takes for someone to research something like the moon, so it’s not to far to say that she would compare S to the moon and the sun.

The looking for a way goes back to two things- that the only way to reach S was through the portal- one that was locked away in a highly secure facility and still doesn’t work because it was never fully researched. She doesn’t understand it- all she knows is what S told her about the portal, but even still she wasn’t the smart one, she didn’t understand all these big science words and concepts- they were both children after all. It could also be used to refer to her other problem- living in a hetero/cisnormative, predominantly white racist town as a daughter of an immigrant. She delt with constant bullying and othering- if not over her origins than over her liking of women, and if not over either of those than for her general ‘weirdness.’ She was always a bit isolated and in her own head, she thought about outcome more than consequence and it led her to doing a lot of sometimes dumb shit which would land her even more backlash. Shes looking for a way to find S, she’s the only one who knows she’s not dead, but she’s also looking for a way to escape the pain she is in. She also has some family issues sprinkled in (immigrant parents, a not-dx father with depression and not-dx mother with adhd will do some stuff to you but I’m not sure what exactly it did to her yet. All I know is they tried to be supportive of Hyung but didn’t understand and fell into the toxic way they were taught to raise kids) so she is hoping to escape that as well- that comes back and doesn’t just bite her in the ass, it chomps her whole ass off.

AH and this is like that gives me the most feels because she WOULD rather be lost than for things to stay the same- no one is going to change, no one is going to try and learn the truth. No one is going to do anything, and she got to a point where she couldn’t handle that anymore. Anything would have been better than continuing on, that was her true belief. If it took her ending up on the news like S and being presumed dead- so be it. She would come back soon and prove to everyone that they should have looked for S. It shouldn’t take more than a week.. right? She’ll come back and have only worried her parents a little- she won’t be gone for months upon months getting the same abuse that S was going through right? She would return with her family intact… Right?

Anyways I am very autistic about Hyung recently, so far their ‘story’ has been centered around S and what she went through, and Hyung was more so just a plot device for S growth- but Hyung is such a good and complex character and I love them both.

[kingcunny]

EIHF again <3. I'm so excited to see your fic. You have no idea!!!!

1) I'm firmly convinced Rhaenyra left for Dragonstone without telling her father purely to punish him for EVERYTHING. And, damn girl, it worked. Had that man WEEPING. It's the first time she's ever moved to reject him. I think her message was, in part, "If you hadn't chosen Alicent--if you didn't keep choosing Alicent-- I would still be here." (Personally, I think she should've threatened to off herself a couple of times in those early years. She could have had him shaking in his boots, and it might have been fun for her.) I think he heard her message loud and clear, given the scene with Aemma's ring. You chose the wrong girl, dummy!

2) Otto's return sealed Laenor's fate. Marrying Laenor and firing Otto were two parts of the same deal to Rhaenyra. Viserys didn't uphold his part of the bargain, so she's released from her part. Daemon being there is some additional incentive, but I feel she's was already packing Laenor's bags anyway.

3) To me, every part of Viserys' actions at Driftmark are to get his brother and daughter back. He makes an overt offer to his brother and is rejected. I feel his siding with Rhaenyra after the fight/Aemond's injury is his plea for her to come back. (Also, he is just not very attached to that boy.)

Viserys is screaming. "I CHOOSE YOU." And it fails--on both fronts. Rhaenyra and Daemon are just exhausted. They choose each other, without him. And I really feel like that's why he went home, laid down, and never got up again. He checked out of life. Laid in that bed for six years, alone and defeated.

oooh these are really good points. i really like rhaenyra leaving for dragonstone as her finally rejecting viserys, punishing him for not doing More to defend her against his wife. after all shes done to try and be the good daughter for him. (and i agree!! it wouldve been fun if when rhaenyra made him fire otto she realized she maybe had a bit more power over viserys than she thought. and then used that to try and manipulate him more…) then viserys, in typical man fashion, doesnt realize what he has until its gone. doesnt realize how badly he fucked things up until its too late, and now his worst fears are realized and hes lost rhaenyra.

i had been looking at ottos return as viserys being like ‘well rhaenyra left me so i might as well take my ex back :/‘+both her and daemon being gone means theres no one back in kings landing for otto to be butting heads with. but thats a VERY good point that from rhaenyras pov otto and laenor were part of the same deal. so when she saw that he was back… if viserys isnt going to honor their deal why should she? daemon makes it easier, but rhaenyra is the one that had seemingly already planned how to get rid of laenor.

viserys at driftmark is the equivalent of him holding up a boombox on their front lawn at 3 am. its too little too late. both daemon and rhaenyra are tired of his constant push and pull, tired of trying to please him. why should they have to fight for his affection when its so much easier to find affection and love in each other? theyve finally snapped the leash hes had on both of them, why would they want to go back. so they leave him, alone. and viserys has now truly lost the only two people who really mattered to him. so he gives up. life doesnt matter to him without them. so he just lies down and waits for it to end. only realizing too late that by trying to hold onto them so tightly he was actually driving them away.

[omnitricks]

this is a bunch of nothing but i made it so im going to post it somewhere. but its for me first and foremost

and for your reading pleasure im going to post a bunch of shit under a readmore

okay so, if you know me, you know that i have some level of bipolar disorder. i was tentatively diagnosed by a therapist i went to when i was about 17, and while i never got that formal diagnosis tattooed onto my body, it, frankly, was kind of fucking obvious in retrospect.

i have talked.. a LOT. about how my teens were filled with a near constant level of homicidal anger. a lot of it was comprised of your standard teen loneliness, going through the wrong puberty, and maybe a sprinkling of childhood emotional abuse, but. whatever. you get it.

i am also autistic, which is fun. the two are.. 'comorbid,' or something, maybe thats the wrong term, but i dont care. nobody is reading this. anyway. basically this means whenever i do feel something, which isn't always, i feel it in a Fun and Unusual way. so far i have been able to cope with my fun and unusual emotions by rationalizing them, or like.. anthropomorphizing them, but in reverse. i dont know. i am angry a LOT, and i form that anger in my head as a smilodon. again, autistic. not the point.

but i've never really thought about what my bipolar disorder itself felt like in my brain. until, y'know, this. this inexplicable thing i can't get rid of but makes my life harder. you know how it is. but.. anyway. back to the near constant level of homicidal anger.

im not going to blame the myriad shitty things i did as a kid exclusively on my mental illnesses, and how poorly they were managed, but im confident i wouldn't have been nearly as bad had i gone to a proper psychiatrist. and gotten medicated, probably. but then again i probably would've done better with *no* mental help considering the first therapist my parents took me to essentially pushed me back into the closet for a few years. that was fun.

point is. i've come to terms with a lot in the past few years, but only recently have i been able to like.. help with it? i have a very supportive partner and she helps so much in calming me down. but its still, yknow, a mental illness that i have.

which is why it's so upsetting to me when people refer to intrusive thoughts and become upset with you if you talk about yours and they're not fun and innocent and quirky enough. people with intrusive thoughts about murder rise up. 'eww theres something wrong with you' WHAT DO YOU THINK MENTAL ILLNESS IS, *CORBYN.*

sorry to any corbyns in the crowd tonight i bet you're a great 17 year old trans boy who hangs out in your high school's library during lunch.

this is a lot of rambling. but like. point is. i have bipolar disorder and it makes living hard and i never feel properly 'safe' in my own home. because, though i know this isn't true, i feel as if i could at one random moment just snap and enter another one of those white-hot rage states where i do something ill regret for the rest of my life. you know?

but all in all, im a lot better than i was. im not great *now* but im a lot better too

[gibbearish]

something kind of. bitter. abt tons of posts from about a month ago being like "anyone daring to even consider the words 'compassion fatigue/burnout' is a piece of shit for trying to assuage their own guilt over not paying as much attention as they should, much less telling OTHER people that it's ok to look away when it's not your place to say that because you're not the victims. 'wah wah my mental health' well at least you're not being bombed so you'd better be thankful you're not in their position. if you're not constantly tortured with graphic visions of genocide then you aren't actually doing your part" vs posts now being like "psa, if you're constantly being haunted by images you've seen and it's affecting your mood significantly, that's not normal and there's a word for that!" like. wow yeah damn if only someone had tried to warn people that this was a thing before it started to set in. such a shame no one did, oh well. and i know it's probably not the same people making those posts, but it still. Feels. and i know i've already made a post to this time before but idc the shift has put it back in my head so i guess take 2 on why i found this so annoying in the first place

it was always with a vibe of like, "this event is so horrible that the regular precautions to avoid compassion fatigue shouldn't apply, fixing it is more important." which. /is/ true in a sense, however those two things aren't actually related in the way that framing that way implies, paying attention doesn't actually /do/ anything concrete that would be lost by taking breaks from consuming news about this. there's the implication that the more people that pay attention, the more people in power will be forced to behave knowing that the world's eyes are on them. but like. this far in, they know everyone's eyes are on them by now, and have decided to proceed anyways. just kind of... looking at them harder isn't going to change anything. and also like.... "when the event is this horrible, why would you be thinking about that instead of putting them first"? because. the more horrible the event. the more. likely learning a lot about it will fuck you up? thats. that seems pretty obvious to me? like. there's more Shit For Your Brain To Torment You With 24/7 if more shit is being done and reported on. the worse something is, the worse it'll make you feel to spend all your time thinking about. yes, some people will be ignoring it because they genuinely don't care, but that doesn't automatically mean the ONLY way to care is to Pay Constant Attention No Matter What.

and like. yes, we should do all we can to help palestinians, but some people act like because we're not being killed and they are, we owe it to them to take on as much of that trauma as we can by proxy? like since we aren't having to go through the actual thing, any negative affects we go through can never compare and are therefore irrelevant, and we should instead only be thankful it's not happening to us. i've said this before but it feels very much like the old "finish your vegetables, there's kids starving in africa" thing parents would say, where it's like. ok, i get that the sentiment behind what youre expressing here is "you should take care to be thankful for things you take for granted, because there are people out there suffering without this," but theres always an implicit "and if you don't use yours right, you're hurting those people by wasting what they could've used" when that just !! doesn't actually follow after the first part, that is not the conclusion you should draw there!!! i would obviously give my leftover vegetables to someone else sooner than throw them away but until warp technology is cracked i am limited by things like distance and expiration dates and stable temperature zones, and i would obviously give my leftover Not Being Bombed to every palestinian if i could but until The Way Reality Works is cracked i am limited by. yknow. the way reality works. abstract concepts like that just arent transferrable without a LOT more direct involvement than just. looking at some posts or not.

and i think that's the crucial thing that bugs me abt both of these is not just that the conclusions they offer are wrong and manipulative, but that the /premise themselves/ are, and they take something HUGE for granted, which is "the thing i want you to do is Right and will Work, therefore i'm justified in forcing you to do it, regardless of any discomfort this causes as it will still have a net positive impact." eating your vegetables is Good for you, so forcing you to eat more when you don't want them is justified, and your reasons for not wanting them don't matter. palestinians have asked us to keep reading and sharing their posts because it helps them, so shaming people for not wanting to is justified, and their reasons for not wanting to don't matter. nevermind that overeating can be bad for you and children are indeed capable of telling when they're full or of having slightly smaller stomachs than the serving sizes their parents dish up, nevermind that they can have food sensitivities or even just /dislike the flavor of something/ and we don't force adults to finish foods they know they dislike, nevermind that compassion fatigue was already an existing concept long before this, nevermind that this is The Mental Illness Website, nevermind that reblogging a bunch of posts with graphic videos that will keep you up all night and be filtered by half your followers anyways doesn't stop fucking BOMBS. it's all we can do, nevermind that it's largely symbolic, therefore if you're not doing it for ANY reason, you are Bad. so do what i say in order to be Good even if it hurts you. it's just such a manipulative, PATRONIZING way of going about things that it just grates at me every time.

[joshriku]

Hi!!! I just read how do you sleep at night, your WandaJericho fic, and I'm having so many feels right now!!! Wanda's decision to getting a break from her relationship with Jericho made me like, oh wanda!

Her getting constantly anxious that nothing big is happening after their semi breakup was so sad. Girl is having grief in her romantic and maternal life since Vision's disassembling. It happens in reality too, when you are having constant drama and trauma in your life, you can't just suddenly adapt to peace. And you just start creating the drama and the unstable ness, whether you want it or not. Self Sabotage, or craving drama, you name it.

But the consequences that come with it—what always happens when she loves too much, the things that get ruined, the life she tries so hard to keep under control—it’s all so paralyzing. It’s as paralyzing as this touch. Oh dear!

And Jericho was so supportive! He was extremely right to be hurt, but I think he must have gotten an inkling later(maybe pietro?) about why is she behaving like that. I loved their Astral plane conversations, and "simply souls waving each other hello." This is so good!!

Also pietro!!! I loved how he just knew why Wanda is behaving like this. Self Sabotage indeed. The twin sense must have gotten activated. He is actually more emotionally intelligent about people he loves and cares, so that wasn't a surprise when he knew what wanda didn't want to admit yet. Also I knew it when he said he likes Jericho! Honorable mention Wanda's thought on how easy is to fight with pietro. Hope next years mini does twins justice.

Also Happy New Year!!

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 happy new year!! firstly thank you so much for such a lovely ask it really means a lot that you'd take the time to let me know you liked my writing, i really appreciate it!!!! 🥺🫶 already made my 2024 a great year!!

second AHHHHHH THANK YOU.. I LOVE WANDAJERICHO SO MUCH. ever since SW #9 when they reveal they're inexplicably exes / still have feelings but with "no strings" i've been like. oh?? what?? 😭 at first i was like, oh thats funny they dont strike me as characters who'd do No Strings Attached thing. but then i gave it more thought and started thinking of ways they COULD be and wanda essentially growing uneasy and anxious over a relationship that was going so well, when she is so used to things going wrong, came to me and i was like ohhh yes... thats it... now we got it 🫵 i can see her cutting things out before them getting "ruined". i really wanted it to be like, this relationship is *fine* and thats whats freaking her out!!

when i wrote this i wrote jericho with the intention that he knew exactly why she did it, but knowing it didnt change that she did hurt him, and the whole crutch of this story being that theyre both unequivocally very in love with each other still. still the case does remain that jericho is also very committed to his duties in the academy, esp after everything they went through - something wanda would also know firsthand. i think all those student deaths/the death of doctor strange/mandatory other marvel events would take its toll on anyone tbh i can see them trying to put at least a pause on everything while they try to fix the world. As Usual. i didnt write jericho immediately taking back wanda too because, yknow, it takes two to tango! BUT THEYRE SO GONNA WORK IT OUT. BECAUSE THEY LOVE EACH OTHER THATS THE WHOLE POINT.. THEY NEVER STOPPED..IN MY HEAD. CAUSE I SAID SO AND THEYRE MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT SHIP...

and AHH THANK YOU.. pietro in that fic was my favorite part 🫶 he loves wanda and hes really good friends with jericho of course hed have a deeper understanding of whats going on! i think pietro is a lot more emotionally intelligent than what most writers give him credit for. and if theres anyone who knows about self sabotaging or recognizing it on someone itd be him, and ESPECIALLY on wanda. defo one of my fave scenes to write in that fic 🥹 MAXIMOFF TWINS MY BELOVED..

Anyway this was a really long reply just to say that thank you SO much and this ask made my whole year and i am really grateful that you liked my fic!!!!!!! i liked writing it too!!! 💛💛💛

[moodymisty]

THERES A SUBMISSIVE CHOO CHOO YRAIN FOR THE BATCHERS??!! COUNT ME IN!!

Hmmmm, how about submissive Crosshair? In a situation where he’s rarely been… pegging ..my mouth drools at the thought lmaoooo but yes pegging . This cold broody man as a whimpering mess as he’s being pounded into, cock throbbing as he aches to cum but you don’t let him j u s t yet 🫡

Submissive clone train barreling through the Coruscant streets

Also I am so sorry this took so long lmao had a bit of writers, melancholy? I had ideas but no will to sneeze it out along with just -gestures to general existence- sorry this is so short!

So I have another sub!Crosshair thing in the works of my own idea, but I want to do my part to further my pillow princess!Crosshair agenda so without further ado

Relationships: Crosshair/Fem!Reader

Warnings: NSFW, Pegging, Dom/sub dynamics, I promise you pamper Crosshair like a king after this wrecking but I just didn’t write it all down

Crosshair is normally quite quiet. He’s never been one to overtly moan or shatter glass, which has made some of the riskier escapades the two of you have gotten into possible in the first place. He seems to take a decent bit of pride in it too; When he’s unraveling you into pleading moans while he is still mostly composed.

But it seems that there is an exception to that part of Crosshair you thought was a constant, unbreakable pillar.

“F-Fuck…” He hisses through gritted teeth, and had you not known any better, he sounded almost angry. Maybe in a way he was, though more so angry about being so absolutely undone by you.

He hates it, that he can’t hide and be snarky and composed with the upper hand.

His forehead rests on the side of his forearm, other hand gripping the bed frame both hands clenched into tight fists. His body feels hot, far hotter than usual when he’s the one in control. It not something he’d used to and neither are you, but at least you seem to be getting an absolutely devious kick out of it all.

Crosshair would normally say he’d punish you for it, but then again that sort of teasing is half the reason he’s bent over like this in the first place.

And for awhile now too, enough so that he almost feels like he’s loosing a bit of the venom that’s usually coating his tongue.

He’s so close, his muscles are tight and teeth are gritting, just about to cum. All those signs make it quite obvious for you, and so you slow down enough to make sure he just doesn’t quite get there.

“Not just yet,” You say, feeling his body tighten under your hands.

“Fuck you,” He grits out; Feeling the way you’ve slowed enough to deny him what he wants. You consider it payback for all the time he’s done the same to you and been sígnificantly more evil about it.

You feel you’re being merciful compared to how he would be, not that he is going to agree.

“I am, actually.” He’d consider just trying to turn this whole situation on his head if he had more willpower to, and if his cock didn’t ache so much after being tempted so close and finally being able to reach his peak.

He groans as he cums, body tight as you continue to but more slowly fuck him through it. He’s so much louder than he usually is, and you’ll take the delight in it tonight knowing that you more than likely won’t hear it again for a long, long while.

But soon enough you slowly and what was originally a pretty tight grip becomes far gentler; And you slowly pull away from him and make sure he’s still in one piece. Mentally and physically, as no matter how much he complains he’s going to get a considerable pampering after all this.

But it only takes one look over his body to see his overall state; Crosshair seems absolutely wrecked, even though his somewhat angry expression.

“Hopefully nobody comms for you tomorrow, then.” You’ve had your fair share of glares, particularly from Crosshair; but none have ever contained the amount of malice the one he’s throwing you right now has.

You smile at him, but also hope you didn’t jinx it.

[sioster]

Violence & blood below weewoo

@obsecure-pluto Here's the chapter 5 snippet I mentioned I wrote some time ago- keep in mind that I wrote this like 5 months ago without proofreading so it can be a bit stinky. There's also a bit of rambling included before the snippet to set up the scene 👍

Also orange text is context I added rn to make it more understandable

Wil shows up to the place of the coords and sees. the last person hoped this alarm was about. few roofs away stands his most despised enemy out of all that he has met in his superhero career

dream/zmora doesn't notice him until hes running and about to punch him in the back of his head, wils just very unhappy forgiv him. wil jumpscares dream and they just fight, dream desperately tries to not hit him, especially not in the spots that were affected by the accident (remember that hes still v guilty about the whole identity thing /this wasn't mentioned in the original post but to treat wil, dream had to unmask him without consent/) while wil just has none of this and on top of just being annoyed by the sole existance of dream, theres this pent up anger about what happened- how could he be so careless and not see that fire coming? /this wasn't mentioned either, wil blew himself up cuz of sapnap's fire that dream redirected/ he could have just taken a step back, moved out of the way,- anything-

and now what? he has to deal with constant pain everytime he moves from those stupid burns- the fact that, that guy can just- tell the entire world about who he really is-

and he lost a part of his hand-

now that he was out and free, he was so frustrated with everything. /as in he left civilian-dream's flat- be wasn't kept there by force tho- the doors were always open, wil was just too injuried to leave yet/

he couldnt even catch a break! the second he was out, he had to go to the stupid meeting, and now fight with an even stupider, full of himself, annoying, awful, green maggot that has wormed its way into his life and infested it with all of its putrid ways of being

with a single strong push dream loses his footing and hits his head on the border of the roof

-----

With a sickening sound and a gasp cut short, his head cracks open staining the grey concrete with blood. Even if it's hard to see it in the dark, lights from the street under them illuminates bright enough to let Wilbur see the shining, dark liquid pooling under Dream's head.

The Hero takes half a step back, the cold night breeze making him shiver.

There's silence.

The furious, hot embers in his chest dimming for a second, only to return twice as red with hate.

Deathly still face frozen in time, hidden behind dark bandages, turns into an ugly grimace splitting it into two wrinkled halves.

He leans over and grabs the collar of the dirty green suit, making his Enemy's head softly lull into his direction.

"You've made my blood boil so many times, for you to just stop doing what you've always done, and die?" He sneered "Was all of this just to f- with me?"

He shook his fists still full of the green cloth, dragging the bleeding body with it. Burning amber eyes were scrunched with frustration as they tried to find any sings of an answer to the spitten out questions.

"Answer me!"

But there was no answer, only a quiet gurgle coming from behind the ever smiling mask.

"You haven't even tried to fight me this time! Did you think that I'm too weak? That I would just surrender without you even doing a single move? That I'm just some poor imitation of a superhero with no powers?" He clenched his teeth and started shaking the man whose coppery tang of blood started to engulf both of them "Do you think that you're better than me?! Do you think that I can't even help myself?! That I need someone to take care of me because I was hurt too badly?!"

The honey eyes lost their brightness as salty tears began pooling in theirs corners. Face no longer wrinkled, he let out a shallow breath.

"Why the hell am I talking to a corpse. It's not like he ever used his voice when alive either.

With shaky hands he let go of the ghostly pale human, and put them under his arms searching for any kind of warmth. Averting his gaze, he shivered once more.

A strong tremor accompanied by choking, violently shook the crimson stained figure. Out of the corner of his eyes, Wilbur saw even more blood coming from under the mask.

He did not do anything to help the surprisingly alive man, only observed with squinted eyes just like a predator waiting for a reason to strike.

As if they were submerged in the sea, desperate gasps to get some air in one's lungs and muffled words filled the space around them. The Hero looked at the drowning man, face scrunched in disgust.

When the uncontrollable shaking and distorted, wailed sentences became too much, he turned around and teared off the smiling mask off of his enemy's face "What now? Suddenly eager to fight for your life? You damned-"

He froze.

There, teary eyed and with a broke nose, was a familiar face. The face of the civilian who took care of him without asking. Who didn't mind how untrustful he was. Who didn't care about wasting bandages on him.

The face of the man who made him want to scream in hatred and cry of frustration without an end in sight.

The face of the human he just watched almost suffocate in his own blood.

With bitter tears trailing down purple cheeks, red teeth and trembling lips the Villain spoke.

"I'm so sorry"

Blood streaming down the pale chin bubbled one last time and the regretful, green eyes rolled back into the blonde's head.

The Hero stood paralyzed.

[atherix]

Dear Midnight readers,

We are gathered hear today to mourn the loss of Atherix after she was brutally murdered by both gnawing and shaking at the hands of Stitch.

Atherix was a lovely writer in their time, produce for us two quality chapters in a matter of hours and she will be missed.

The burial service will be on thee plot B at Fuck You Cemetery at Midnight Tonight.

I AM GOING TO SHAKE YOU SO MUCH. YOU ARE LIKE A SNOW GLOBE AND I AM AN OVERENTHUASTIC CHILD IM. I DON'T HAVE COHERENT THOUGHTS BC I READ THE FIRST CHAPTER WHILE INCOHERENT AND THE SECOND CHAPTER RIGHT AS I WOKE UP THIS MORNING. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU, FIRST OF ALL???????

GOD the glyph disappearing. The faCT THAT I KNOW WHY YOU FUCKING BROUGHT IT UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I AM TORMENTED WITH KNOWLEDGE.

The comb, the memory sharing, the vulnerability as Scar puts it I am in LOVE

ALSO THEY SAID THE TITLE. I don't care that midnight is super common in the story it makes me happy anyway.

And Grian not getting the whole shadows are light but not thing is so funny. oh my god.

'the magic the gods hold' SHAKES YOU. SHAKING YOU. SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE.

OH AND THEN THE DREAM AT THE END THERE??? EXCUSE ME!!! I mean. I knew it would come back up. But the fact that its there is making me INSANE

and then the fucking. the ALLEY. 'Its been a few years' HOW MANY IS A FEW, GRIAN. I NEED TO KNOW, GRIAN. ARE YOU FUCKING SURE SIR???????? Listen. Listen. I didn't even think that maybe grian was in stasis or some shit til everyone else was like 'is grian actually like centuries old and doesnt know' BECAUSE NOW. I AM THINKING ABOUT IT. I AM CONNECTING DOTS. I AM FUCKING GNAWING ON SHIT. THE FACT THAT HE SPEAKS ANCIENT. THE FACT THAT SCAR'S TOME HAS ADDED LINES THAT WERENT IN HIS BOOK. THE STATE OF THE ALLEY. The crack was narrows but now theres a giant hole in the ceiling. Other creatures have taken up residency in the alley. Grian's constant 'hes a little confused but hes got the spirit' vibes about everything. MY GEARS ARE FUCKING SPINNING.

God the fact that Grian just goes in. That grian keeps gettingb pulled out of his own head by his mates. The fact that Mumbo pulls Scar and tubbo down because its definitely not safe for them to just stay outside the mountain oh my god but then. Then.

Why DO the Watchers want the Tome hidden in a city full of Observants is my fucking question that I still haven't cracked. This is like one of those geodes full of water - thunderegg? I think they're called??? But I have theories okay. If the watchers are supposedly all seeing but the Palace had them wandering around AND they were walking around in a physical enough form for Grian to kill THREE of them right. Right. And theres the whole - the watchers Grian remembers werent following the stuff inside the tome right. WHAT IF. WHAT THE FUCK IF. [I feel like im talking to like. a twitch chat bc I know you arent gonna say shit about it] BUT OKAY THESE WATCHERS ARE LIKE. DEVIANT. THEYVE STRAYED. AND THEYVE MADE A BREAK OFF WITH THE ALLEY. AND THEY MAKE PEOPLE HIDE THEIR TOMES TO HIDE THEM FROM THE EYES OF THE OTHER WATCHERS, WHO SEE THAT THE ONES WHOVE TAKEN FORM ARENT FOLLOWING THE RULES. IDK. LISTEN. I READ THIS HALF DELIRIOUSLY.

Why do I recognize the Magical Menagerie. And WHY does Grian take his Tome if he already has Scars unless theirs some like godling part of his brain thats just like, dragon hoarding all the tomes. What is going on. What the fuck.

I dont fucking know if I believe that grian's only been gone for five years at this point. Relatively recent abandonment my ass, Scar. Tubbo and Mumbo have already called it, I'm believing your anons, Grian is OLD. WHERE ARE THE REMAINS. 5 YEARS IS NOT LONG ENOUGH FOR BODIES TO DECAY COMPLETELY AWATY. ABSOLUTELY NOT. THIS PLACE IS OLD AS BALLS.

And the way Grian just FLIES off when he hears Tilly's bark and the fact that I fucking TRUSTED YOU!!!! THE PALACE LOOKED LIVED IN AND THEN YOU TORMENT ME WITH THEIR DEAD LOVED ONES?? YOU MAKE MUMBO WATCH AS ONE OF HIS MATES AND HIS COVEN CHILD HIT THE APPARITIONS OF HIS DEAD WIFE AND DAUGHTER????? EXCUSE ME HOW FUCKING DARE YOU????????

the watchers eat pets im calling it now. This is a completely baseless accusation. they eat the pets.

'They prey on your emotions and then consume everything you are' HEY UH. HEY THERE TUBBO. TUB TUB. HEY BESTIE. ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY YOUR PARENTS ARE ACTIVELY BEING CONSUMED??????

AND THEN THE FALLING. AND THE FACT THAT THEY ARE ALL SO FUCKED UP. I AM SHAKING YOU. YOU ARE A CHEW TOY TO ME RN.

Oh man, looks like I need to get fitted for the casket real fast hjkfgdhskg-

OKAY BUT THAT ENTIRE INTRO TO THIS MADE ME CACKLE LIKE A HYENA COME ON-

... Am I at least a pretty snowglobe- KHFSJKFHSJKFKSJ OKAY BUT I CACKLED MYSELF TO SLEEP LAST NIGHT JUST IMAGINING YOU WAKING UP AND LOOKING AT YOUR PHONE AND SEEING MY "YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME" AND THE UPDATE NOTIF AND IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT <3

HEHEHEHE :) KNOWLEDGE YOU CAN NEVER SHARE WITH ANOTHER READER HEHEHEHE. Idk if it'll be catharsis when it comes up again but HFKSHFKJSK :)

He's trying to be better for them <3 Trying to be more open and honest and let them in more <3 And the memory sharing- it means so much more this time because last time he shared his memories with them they were asking questions, but this time he volunteered the info himself- invited them to see it, and I am so khfdshgkjdfshgkjfd I am so NORMAL about them <3

I LOVE A GOOD TITLE DROP <3 And hey. Midnight is very significant in the Midnight series :) Cough cough a midnight sun.... the Midnight Alley........ a midnight Eclipse.................. :)

Grian over here like "LIGHT IS LIGHT AND SHADOW IS SHADOW" lmaaoooo I love him, magic is a conundrum to him.

🙂 Hehe~

LOOK. LOOK IT WAS A PERFECT CHANCE. HOW COULD I RESIST :)

Hey. Hey Stitch. Looks like there are some surprises I haven't mentioned to you yet LMAO <3 I will neither confirm nor deny anything, and I shall explain nothing <3 I will say this, though.... for someone running away, Grian sure hasn't met anyone looking for him, has he. :)

Grian is just. So. Stubborn. If he didn't have Mumbo and Scar to reel him in this would have gone So Bad hjfdkjk but also the fact that he LETS them help him I am just so hjkfdskkfds

You are speaking to a chat, yes, because I can answer literally NONE of those :'D And these are questions I will not answer in private either <3 I need to leave SOME mysteries for you <3

You know, if the last page of the Tome is different, I wonder what else might be. Just. Just saying. :) As for why you recognize Magical Menagerie, it was mentioned in Midnight Melody, so <3

*cough*alsostalactiteswhereglassusedtobe*cough* Sorry sorry got something stuck in my throat, but :) It's an interesting idea isn't it, my dear Stitch and readers~

Haha the Palace IS lived in :) :) TRUST ME. IT'S OKAY TO TRUST ME HAHA <3 Okay but also Scar having that split moment of like "oh shit what do I do I know it's not his dead wife but it LOOKS like her" and just hjfdhsjkghdskj BUT I FUCKING DARE <3

HFSJUKHFKJS LMAO baseless accusation but you know what, they don't deserve the benefit of the doubt.

:) Hehehe

WHERE WILL THEY LAND I WONDER? HEY STITCH. STITCH DO YOU REMEMBER. I MENTIONED IT BEFORE. :) But. But hehehe <3

[malwarechips]

Tiso, and obligatory pk ask because he never leaves my brain

ok ok putting these under a cut bcz since theres two it'll probably b quite long

TISO . THE MOST CRINGEFAIL MAN . MY BELOVED

favorite thing about them - he's just sooo pathetic . i love him . why is he like that /complimentary

least favorite thing about them - he's dead :(

favorite line - HMM im gonna look at a list of his quotes here bcz i remember like NO dialogue from ANY characters . ok, ive returned from the hk wiki and the conclusion is: probably his dialogue at blue lake !!! "Garrgh. What a calm place. It's action I want, vicious and deadly battle. This serenity is a bore. So peaceful. So dull."

brOTP - him and cloth 100% . i used to think theyd hate each other but then i was like . no actually i think theyd be friends and totally encourage each other to do the most dangerous shit. quirrel has to stop them.

OTP - speaking of quirrel: him and quirrel <3 its so weird bcz w/ like any other characters w/ those two personalities id be like . no they hate each other. but i think they'd like . balance each other out if that makes sense. also honorable mention to him and god tamer bcz i think its funny. not personally smthn i ship tho bcz i myself think theyre both very gay and have 0 interest in each other's gender

nOTP - uhhhmm im not sure actually ? id say "any of the vessels" but that's kinda a blanket that applies to basically everyone by default for me.

random headcanon - hmmm... ok so the headcanon that he is an ant is pretty popular i think but: so his original concept art by the kickstarter backer who designed him mentions that his hood covers a horn on his head. and i wanted to include that while also still having him be an ant bcz i love ants sooo much. so. i took some creative liberties bcz i dont think there are any ants with spikes on their head BUT . there is streblognathus peetersi . which has a very prominent spike between it's thorax and its abdomen !! so i just kinda moved it to his head and called it a day. so i technically have a very specific species headcanon for him. ok short ramble abt spiky ants over

unpopular opinion - not sure i have one rlly?

song i associate with them - UHMMMM ... god im trying to think of one now . i SWEAR ive had some but i always forget song titles. probably this cover of Hit the Road Jack . im not entirely sure why but! it gives me tiso vibes

favorite picture of them - probably the little pose he pulls in the pantheon of hallownest. he looks so cool only to get crushed </3 utter cringefail man i love him

OK . PK . as a note i may not have all that much for him since i only recently started actually rthinking abt him more .

favorite thing about them - hmmm. id say his design is a big thing that i rlly enjoy !!!

least favorite thing about them - I HAVE NO IDEA . possibly the fact that he has so little dialogue but he's kinda dead so thats probably why.

favorite line - as said before he doesnt rlly have much dialogue but i'd have to say the iconic abyss dialogue. "No cost too great. No mind to think. No will to break. No voice to cry suffering. Born of God and Void. You shall seal the blinding light that plagues their dreams. You are the Vessel. You are the Hollow Knight." like cmon . its very cool i think

brOTP - im not sure !! i personally dont really see him being close friends with basically anyone in hallownest or anything.

OTP - id probably have to say him and white lady. i think they really did care about each other, but i dont really have much to say outside of that since as i said before i only recently started actually thinking about pk more.

nOTP - once again i dont really have one outside of "any of the vessels". also including hornet this time bcz like . he's her dad. but yeah outside of the usuals like that i dont really have one

random headcanon - constant eyebags . he always looks like he hasnt slept in 5 weeks (and he probably hasnt) . sleep? never heard of her . whos that .

unpopular opinion - once again im not sure i have one really? i dont really know what would apply with the term unpopular when it comes to my headcanons

song i associate with them - GOODBYE MR A BY THE HOOSIERS. ABSOLUTELY. VIBRATES. i . dont think it fits fully but i am a master of editing songs in my brain to make them fit characters . so it does to me, OKAY ??? /silly

favorite picture of them - probably his silhouette for white defender's arena . idk what it is abt it but i enjoy it greatly i think its the wings.

actually either that or the statue/wishing well of him in ancient basin, if that counts? that statue look sooo cool

[maurenislife]

Ive had so many near death experiences that im numb, so living out everyday becomes very surreal like am i even supposed to be on this timeline? That nigga coulda took my life away….. and i wish he did cause now my existence is merely fixture and very much a joke cause im 99% guaranteed to make to tomorrow so people rag on me all day, make me feel inadequate and insecure and feel alone FOR WHAT? I WISH THAT NIGGA BLEW MY HEAD OFF for a infinite rest.

When you live against social norms your gonna be the brute of scrutiny and negativity yet everybody’s copying u and asking you for advice and money and status and up ur asshole but yet slicing it apart with a butcher knife.

Im a INFINITE BUFFET of culture,thought and prowess.

Im smart, im beautiful, im funny, im memorable.

Ive had to echoed to me throughout that im someone of value, how come it dont feel like it. How come it feel like im waking up to put lipstick on a trashcan 💔 like im washing a used car in the shower.

If i didnt have my job like my coworkers dude or my grandma idk what id do fr

Those two things keeping me here, i love my coworkers they are so nice to me like i never had people cook for me or ask me how i am or give me hugs like or care about my family life yanno.

Also idkkk ive been told I played victim my whole life. Whole time i am. Im a victim of sexual assault of emotional abuse and a constant victim of being shown no compassion no empathy nobody.

Its like a arena of people watching you get beat on, with a bloody nose and tears in your eyes, and theres a podium for speakers

“Your playing victim” as somebody watches u get raped at a party ….. yeah that type of shit

U think u can hurt me my mom has paid her dividends in full my baby 😪

Then it be ya friends

Then it be ya nigga who u lay next to

Its like who gone turn against me now?

It make it so i dont want no friends, i dont want a nigga, i dont wanna raise my own family. I dont have a goal or a lifetime achievement i wanna reach, i dont wanna go anywhere fr why plan vacations… why do anything. If there is a consequence leaning around the corner

You hurt and hurt and hurt and nobody kinda cares. It’s hurtful the pple who know u the least want u around, like wow i play a insignificant role in your life u want me alive idkkk that shit weird as fuck. I see why pple just idk they like this life shit backwards fr