#and an album you can listen to either forwards or backwards and the meaning changes???? you think ahe can write smth as haunting as U????

[nine-aetharia]

i need swifties to shut the fuck up about 'oh so kendrick's disses can be analyzed for hidden meanings but we can't do the same for taylor songs' yeah bc that's not isolated to kendrick. subliminals and entendres abound in rap. taylor swift songs are as deep as a puddle while youre wearing flip flops and your feet still arent wet

[sorryimanon]

Character: Shouto Todoroki

Long distance isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. Your boyfriend, Shouto, goes overseas on a special mission in America. Back home, you try to take advantage of the distance with a couple of pictures.

Warnings: 18+, phone sex

Word count: 4k

-

Shouto watched with somber eyes as you packed the last remaining suitcase into the trunk of the car, back still turned against him so he couldn't see your tears. Bakugou and Izuku insisted on driving to the airport together, taking into consideration that they were all traveling overseas to the same destination. The night before, you were being a stubborn brat, not liking the idea of sending Shouto off at the crack of dawn. He showered you with affection afterward, his body never leaving your touch. Making love didn't cross both of your minds. It would've hurt in the after glow knowing the distance that'll be between you for the months to come. The two of you decided to just lay lifelessly in each other's arms, limbs interlocking, fingers carefully tracing skin, and hearts beating in unison. Moments like that is what truly captured the relationship as a whole.

With your back still turned, Shouto saunters over and wraps his arms around your torso, along with his head resting on top of yours. You hummed at his subtle touch. Eyes drawn to a close, you ruffled his split colored hair, already imagining the smile forming on his stern face. It was always a miracle when you manage to witness Shouto genuinely smile without forcing it.

You turned on your heel and reposition Shouto's hands on your hips. "Call me as soon as you touch down in America. Okay?" you didn't care at how needy you sounded, anything involving Shouto and hero work gave you anxiety.

The arm holding onto your hip soon reached the bottom of your chin, tilting it slightly so your eyes can formally meet. His dark irises became glossy as you stared harder, trying to capture every feature before he leaves in case within those months you forgot what he looks like. Even though you had a separate album on your phone filled to the brim with selfies and funny pictures of him, mostly taking up your storage space.

"I promise sweetheart. Remember, this will be the shortest 6 months you'll endure. I'll be home quicker than you can say All Might," he said, tucking a loose strand of your hair behind your ear. The action made you blush and giddy, referring back to the ways he'd make you feel during U.A.

Subconsciously, you both lean in against each other, waiting patiently for who's making the next move.  Your lips hovered over his, unsure if he wants to kiss goodbye or stay wrapped in your arms. A minute has gone by and you two stayed cemented in the same position. Fuck it, you thought. Who cares if it'll make you miss each other more. You harshly grabbed his face and leaned forward, preparing your lips to come into contact. But the loud beep emitting from the car made you both jump out of each other's grasp, knocking you backwards onto the cold surface.

Bakugou's head popped out comically from one of the windows, eyes gleaming with rage.

"Oi! Hurry up you dumbasses! We were supposed to leave 5 minutes ago!" he hollered, spit spraying out from this mouth.

You overheard Izuku, who was in the passengers seat, trying to calm down the explosive blonde. A pair of calloused hands slipped behind the back of your neck, crashing your lips to mount another. There's no hunger in the kiss. No teeth or tongue battling it out. Just pure passion burning within the languish kiss. Feeling satisfied, Shouto released himself from your mouth, leaving you breathlessly staring back at him in awe. With one last romantic gesture, your boyfriend rubbed the outer part of your cheek and pinched it between his fingers, smiling at your reddened reaction and shuffled towards the side door of the car.

"I love you y/n," was all he said before sliding the door shut.

You mumbled the exact sentiment as the car revved up and maneuvered out of your driveway. Shortly after wiping away some dried up tears, the car soon disappears from your line of vision, leaving you all alone on the driveway.

“All Might...” you whisper to no one in particular.

-

About 3 months into the trial of long distance, you were already experiencing the symptoms of postpartum-boyfriend-syndrome. Constantly crying yourself to sleep? Check. Going through his Instagram to make sure he didn’t delete any of your pictures together? Check. Texting him every hour on any given day to see how fast he’d respond? Check. Also, the inevitable weight gain from stress eating? Double check.

A couple of your friends noticed the sudden mood change when Shouto arrived in America that first initial month of separation. Momo for example, confronted you in the locker room at the agency one day, spewing about how you almost got yourself decapitated by a villain when your guard was down.

“I’m sorry Momo. My mind has been in the gutter lately. Shouto hasn’t texted me all day since this morning. I’m just worried this whole long distance thing is going to ruin our relationship,” you admitted , wincing at how incredibly clingy you sounded.

Momo began undressing herself, her lips caught between her teeth, clearly taking in what you said. Once she shimmied our from her hero costume, a devilish smirk rested upon her face.

“If you feel like your relationship is going grey, maybe try to spice things up a little. Ya know? Use the distance to your advantage.”

Your hands stopped themselves from unzipping your tight suit. “Hah? What do you mean by that?”

Momo chuckled, amused by how innocent you were acting.

“Come on, you know what I mean y/n,” she slipped on her everyday attire and closed the locker. “You know what they say, a picture is worth a thousand words.” With that she gave you a wink and left the room.

A picture huh?

Across from you was a massive mirror. Each end reaching the edge of the room, everything being showcased, including you. Sometimes you’d walk in catching a few of the prohero girls taking selfies. They all had one thing in common, confidence. Something you had before Shouto’s departure. It felt as if someone used an ice pick to cut away the very little self esteem you had left, leaving you with barely anything to offer anymore. You couldn’t help to compare yourself to the proheros Shouto has been working alongside with since being in America. American girls were a different breed. Everyone over there looks exactly the same but different somehow. You tried not to think too much as you resumed on unzipping your hero costume. Today you wore a plain black bra set underneath. You hardly put on anything skimpy or sexy since you’re practically on patrol everyday, resorting to your trusty sport bras.

You caught a quick glimpse of yourself in the horizontal mirror, gaping at the added fat in your chest area. All thanks to the weight gain, your boobs looked delicious in the bra. The lower half of your body was nothing to ignore either. Your ass filled up the small undergarments, cheeks teasingly spilling out.

A picture is worth a thousand words.

Momo’s words enticed you enough to grab your cellphone from the pocket of your duffel bag. Work hours was over for everyone in the building, so you weren’t worried about someone walking in on this compromising state.

You tried to mimic the poses you witnessed from the times you watched the girls do it. One hand on the hip, the other behind your head, along with angling your ass to the side. The pose was uncomfortable. How did they manage to hold this stance for longer than ten seconds? You took some pictures anyway, ignoring how awkward you presented yourself in the mirror.

Each picture you swiped through didn’t meet the criteria. Were these even good enough to send off to Shouto? He loves you no matter what, he reminded you everyday in fact, but your stomach dropped of the thought of him being revolted at these images. You quickly deleted all of the them and sighed in defeat. One more try.

Dropping down to your knees, you held the camera above your head, showing off every part of your body. You spread your legs a couple of inches, your cloth slit on full display. To add even more, you leaned forward a little bit to have your boobs almost spilling out from your tight bra. Through the camera lens, the top part of your nipples were visible. Surly Shouto wasn’t dense to not notice.

Your mouth was agape as you stared at the pictures you recently took. This person in the frame didn’t look anything like you. If you were to show this to Momo she’d be a proud mother.

Without hesitation, you sent a couple of the pictures to Shouto, leaving a cute little message at the bottom once they finally delivered.

Missing you extra today :) xoxo

You didn’t wait for his reply and started packing up everything in your area. Hopefully Shouto won’t be angry at your sudden bluntness, but he left you no choice. An acute noise came from your duffle bag. The blood rushing through your veins suddenly became very cold. It must be a message from Shoto, it has to be. You waited till you arrived safely home to check what he responded with. To your dismay, it was a reminder for next weeks meeting. You shuffled out from your car and headed straight to your shared apartment, a pout currently prominent on your face due to the failed mission.

On the other side, Shouto sat stoic in a plush chair listening attentively to one of the leaders reporting about the current mission. Next to him was a grouchy looking Bakugou, who was currently falling in and out of sleep in his seat. By no surprise Izuku was the only one in the group wide awake and full of energy. The trio has been traveling across the nation helping out with smaller hero agencies in hopes for there to be a stronger allegiance between the USA and Japan. So far it’s been excruciatingly draining on not just their bodies but minds as well. All Shoto wants is to feel the familiar warmth of your body pressed against his. His touch starving tendencies wandered into his personal life when Bakugou caught him snuggling the hotel pillows one night, mumbling your name over and over again. Pathetic as it is, he misses you so much. Although, he wouldn’t admit that out loud, he tried to keep you updated on everything that’s been happening. He has a hard time expressing his feelings, especially when it comes to you. So when he felt his bottom pocket vibrate, he half expected it to be a goodnight message from you, since you’re a couple of hours ahead of him. Nothing prepared him for the promiscuous photo you shared of yourself plastered on his screen, looking back at him with dilated eyes and flushed cheeks.

Blood rushed to the lower region of his pants as he pinched the screen to get a better inspection of you. He thought you looked absolutely beautiful in this vulnerable state, not to mention how your body perfectly clings to his favorite pair of underwear, every curve and beauty mark showcasing before him. Below the plethora of lewdness, a short message from you was attached.

Missing you a extra today :) xoxo

Stifling a groan, he began to type out a reply, stumbling on his words even in text. Before he could press send, someone slapped Shouto’s shoulder and dragged him to his feet.

“Come on half cold bastard the meeting is over. We’re free to go,” Bakugou grumbled as he pushes Shouto out of the cramped room, having Midoriya to follow suit. Bakugou shifted his gaze to Shouto’s phone, gazing at the gross nickname for you on the screen. Shouto angles his phone away from Bakugou’s peripheral vision, praying that he didn’t see your half naked body.

Shouto stuffed his cellular device into his back pocket again, awaiting for the right moment to text you back. Knowing the dynamic of the relationship, his silence is nothing out of the ordinary, so maybe you weren’t thinking too much into this.

Hours later and still no reply from Shouto. Giving him the benefit of the doubt, you figured he probably hasn’t seen it yet, but the “read at ___” has your heart twisting in a knot. You knew he was a couple of hours behind, but would it take for him to at least send a well thought out compliment. Maybe he’s in the midst of an intense battle? Or worse, hooking up with one of the American colleagues. No, Shoto isn’t like that. Being unfaithful is uncharacteristically unlike Shouto. You mentally slap yourself for painting your loyal boyfriend in a different light, all because of some stupid pictures.

Clearing your mind from anymore self sabotage, you did your nightly routine to get ready for bed. As you tucked yourself in, the bright light from your phone flashed, indicating a notification. Everyone in your contact list has already gone to sleep. Everyone excluding Shouto. Frantically, you reached over to grab the phone, swiping across the screen to view his message. The following text shot daggers through your chest.

Call me now

No mention of the photos you sent hours ago. It took him this long just to conjure up a cryptic message. Although, you were curious to see what he'll say to you once he picks up. You pressed the phone icon on his profile and waited, the ringing making you sweat with anticipation. He answered on the third ring.

There was an uncommon silence hanging in the air. On the other end of the call, you can hear the faint acute breathing coming from your boyfriend. You laid frozen in bed, cowardly holding in your breath to prevent any noise.

Shouto broke the silence and said, "I'm sorry for not texting you all day. There was an immediate emergency that lasted longer than we expected."

You nodded your head, but then caught yourself after realizing he can't see your movement over the phone, and let out a grunt instead.

"So..."

"So?" It came out more aggressive than you wanted it to be, but the constant cat and mouse game of today set you over.

"Are you mad at me?" He asked.

No. Not in a million years could you ever be angry at him. Yes, sometimes there's things he did that you wish he'd do better, like expressing himself instead of sheltering back in his shell. Or the way how you envied the relationships your coworkers had, their partners showing them off like it was second nature. Not once did Shouto verbally express his sexual desires. As selfish as it is, you wanted to explore more with him than just regular mundane vanilla sex. Sadly you knew his response was probably going to be lackluster. But no, you weren't mad, just jealous.

"I'm not mad Shouto. Just...very disappointed in you."

In the background, the definite click of a lock from a door rattled your ears. He's in his hotel room, you thought.

"Is this about what happened earlier today?" he started, dragging his tired feet to the hotel bed. "You know, the pictures-"

"Right, the only pictures I put any effort into just for them to be completely ignored by my own boyfriend."

The line went silent again. Even though he isn't here, if he was, he'd be glaring at you with his intense stare, those bi-colored eyes never wavering away from yours.

"You really want to know how I truly felt about those pictures you sent?" His voice dropped a lower octave, sounding as though he dipped himself in pure molasses. Rich as it is, his sudden change of tone aroused you, sending an involuntary wave of pleasure through your body, tipping to the peak of your sex. The only time you heard him sound like this was either when he's livid to the core or about to completely wreck your shit. Both would coincide with each other on special occasions.

He didn't give you enough time to answer, figuring you were too stubborn to reply, and voiced his inner thoughts.

"The fact that you even think I didn't appreciate the photo's is quite silly sweetheart. In fact," you can hear the clanking of metal on the other end. "It makes me sad that I'm not there to worship every inch of that body. Was that your plan all along? To get me worked up by how much I miss your touch?" Shouto struggled removing his pants, the tent forming beneath them restricting him to smoothly slip them off.

You tried to keep your excitement down by squeezing your legs together, almost to the point where they crossed. Soon your breathing became sporadic. Just picturing Shouto touching himself while you both were on call gave you an adrenaline rush. Knowing you couldn't touch him but just yourself intensified your arousal even more. Slowly, you dragged a lazy finger from your sternum to the area around your belly button, tracing small circles on the skin.

"What would you have done to me if you caught me in that moment? Taking those pictures," your sultry tone boomed through his speakers, almost taken back by your approach.

Shouto raised his hips and shimmed out from his tight work pants and started palming himself through his briefs. "Sweetheart, id do nothing but ravish you. Taking my sweet time with you....fuck...I miss you so much," he couldn't hold back the whine he trapped in his throat as soon as his finger swiped over his clothed slit. The sound alone triggered a warm sensation spreading down below, already feeling the wetness coating your panties. By now, Shouto’s fingers would be disappearing inside of you, scissoring and messaging your velvety walls till you broke out screaming, but you had to make do and resort to playfully teasing yourself.

"Ngh...I miss you too...S-Shoto."

"Are you touching yourself love?"

Both of you were far too gone in arousal, there was no point in holding back your sexual pleas.

"Y-Yes, but I wish it was your fingers instead."

Hearing those words coming from your lips encouraged him to shove his entire hand down his boxers, gripping the base of his cock with ease. A small gasp left his lips feeling the crisp, cold air of the hotel room hit his exposed member. He shifted his hand vertically, giving light tugs to it before pumping it vigorously. The sensation strained him to close his eyes, seeing nothing but you doing the work for him. Late nights in the various hotel rooms consisted of him getting off to memories of all the intimate moments you two shared together. Of course it was lonely, but he never resorted to surfing the internet of lewd videos of random girls. They just weren't you. But tonight, he could finally relieve himself to the sweet ambiance of your moans. And he definitely wasn't going to regret it in the morning like usual.

"Listen to me, go faster for me baby," Shouto instructed, "Imagine it's me touching you."

Your cheeks turned a deeper shade of red, fully coaxing your face in heat. You followed through and dipped your fingers into your sex, feeling the warm texture of your walls petting them. All those months without any sexual relief built up so much tension that the tightness within you restricted from anymore movements. After a few strokes, you loosen and manage to reach in far enough to the peak of your knuckles.

Meanwhile, Shouto's hand never grew tired at the tedious strokes, pre cum dripping till it reached his inner thighs. Your name kept spewing out from his throat like a mantra, like you were the only thing he prayed for at night. Despite his lack of moaning, he grunted with each pump, the built up causing him to breathe heavy as well. Generously, he held the phone close enough for you to hear the continuous slapping of skin, along with the combination of wetness. You didn't restrain yourself from moaning though. Every whimper, moan, and groan reverberated across his empty hotel room.

"You wanna know something?" He tried to keep his breathing at a normal pace, but he hastily kept pumping at quick speed. "Everytime I go to one of those dull meetings, I can't help but to imagine you riding me in front of everyone...ngh!"

The confession elicited a moan from you, along with your legs shaking due to the stimulation. Your head flew back and hit the pile of pillows, mouth agape as you added in another finger.

"I miss the feeling of being inside you. So...fucking...bad,” he was beginning to lose his voice , sounding as though he was in constant pain. Poor boy.

"I never took you as being so up front Shouto, what happened?" You challenged him through the phone.

"I guess you really don't know me baby," Shouto shot up from the bed and bent over, not once removing his hand from his member. "Fuck fuck fuck...I can't wait till I come home, so I can finally taste you."

The coil within you was beginning to snap. Snaking your fingers underneath your shirt, you started flicking your thumb over one of your perked nipples, still immersed into the idea that he's actually the one touching you instead. Toes curling and arms bunching up the sheets, you knew you were about to climax. Just by hearing his speech pattern, you can conclude he was close as well.

"I'm about- I'm about to cum S-Shouto!" You pathetically whine.

"Cum with me baby. I've been holding off for you."

Even during intense moments like this, Shouto's gentleman persona didn't fade away over the course the relationship. With the knowledge you have now, knowing he's been on the verge of relief, you pumped your fingers in sheer brutality, never once missing the g-stop. Throwing his head back, Shouto was now on his knees pleading for mercy from the pleasurable pain shooting up through his member. He let out an exasperated whine.

"Now baby, cum for me."

Then you felt it, the knotted tension within you disappearing. Everything around you looked white, like someone snuck in and painted your room a different color. You can faintly hear Shouto orgasming on the other end of the phone as you calm down from yours. He's heard you climax many times before, but hearing your angelic screams over the speaker made him cum harder.

A few minutes later and you two were now recuperating from the intoxicating session, harsh breathing overlapping each other. It felt like years later when he detached his hand, now coated in his own fluids and cramped up. You loosened yourself and removed the two fingers finally. They glistened with your fluid as well, giving off the impression it was just sweat.

"Y/N? Are you still there?" Shouto's voice alerted you awake, almost forgetting you didn't manifest him to finish you off. You grab the phone after cleaning your drenched fingers and propped it on the pillow next to your shoulder.

"Wow that was-."

"Amazing?" He finishes.

"Took the words right out of my mouth."

He mischievously chuckled, "I know. I heard it loud and clear a minute ago."

You audibly groan loud enough for him to hear while snatching the nearest pillow to smother yourself with.

"So, are you planning on sending any more pictures like that during these last 3 months?"

His innocent inquiry made you break out into a grin that stretched from ear to ear. Those pictures sprouted a future of appraisal from your boyfriend, who you thought would never voice his inner thoughts till the day he dies. You two also found a secretive kink to phone sex as you continue to explore with him during these periods of loneliness. Once he arrives home, he assures none of that is just a “phase” as you two kept venturing beyond to sext each other during important events.

A picture really is worth a thousand words.

-

(Truthfully, honestly, this is possibly the worst thing I wrote but someone asked for a cute little passionate session with Shoto specifically. I hope you enjoyed (?)

[thr-333]

Mismatch- Part 7

Bio Dad Bruce Wayne Month 2020

A nice family dinner, not that anyone needs to know that (:

First< Previous> Next

----

“I got the feeling this would happen,” Marion shakes his head, looking at Marinette and Damian, both trying to explain how they ended up fighting.

“And yet you didn’t stop it,” Jason was smirking at the adults. Both looked exhausted, probably from listening to Tom for the past hour or so.

“Me? You encouraged them,” Marion scowls at Jason.

“How?” He was already looking down at him, smirking.

“Really?” Marion raises his brow, the two falling into a staring contest.

“If I hadn't they’d also be getting Alfred’s ‘not angry just disappointed speech’,” Jason relents, looking away from Marion, who was silently gloating his victory.

“Oh, Damian told me about that one,” Marion looks over at Damian as he was arguing with Bruce.

“I still can’t believe Demon spawn was willingly talking with you,” Jason muses.

“Rude,” Marion scoffs, trying not to smile as Jason whips around with a panicked look.

“What?- ah no - I meant-”

“I know,” Marion breaks down in giggles.

“You-”

“This garden is beautiful,” Marion cuts him off, Jason huffs and turns away, “Also Mr Wayne is glaring at you,”

“Let’s go,” Jason spins around and hastily walking into the garden. Marion laughs, jogging to catch up.

“That got you moving,” Marion teases as they walk behind a hedge to hide.

“I am not about to get lectured for Demon-spawns decisions,” Jason snarls, glaring back at where they came from.

“Been meaning to ask about that nickname,” Marion tries to lighten his mood.

“It’s accurate isn’t it?” Jason smirks slightly but Marion can still see the anger behind it.

“He doesn't seem that bad,” Marion mutters, making Jason scoff.

“Trust me, that's the best mood I’ve ever seen him in,” Marion can’t tell if he’s telling the truth or not, but he seems to be relaxing.

“Maybe he just doesn't like you,” Marion teases, before realising with horror just how rude it sounded.

“Oh he definitely doesn't,” Jason snorts, Marion tries not to feel uncomfortable as he seems to cheer up.

“I’m sure he does deep down,” Marion can’t help but to try and fix the situation.

“You can only go so deep,” Jason says, with too much bitterness to be humorous.

“Please, I somehow doubt that anyone has to reach very deep to like you, I don't, you seem nice,” Marion misses Jason's shocked look, instead noticing some nearby flowers, “These are gorgeous,”

“Alfred tends to them, none of us are allowed to touch them,” Jason murmurs quietly, as Marion lightly touches the petals.

“Sorry!” Marion jumps back as if the petals burnt him.

“No you’ll be fine,” Jason chuckles, “We were only ban after the incident,”

“The incident?” Marion still doesn't risk touching the flowers. He’s literally holding the miraculous of destruction. “Sounds ominous,”

“There was a flamethrower involved and that's all I’m telling you,” Jason says definitively, walking away from the flower bed.

“Oh come, you have to tell me now,” Marion stands, bouncing to catch up to him.

“Nope,” Jason keeps his eyes forward.

“Please,” Marion comes forward to walk backwards in front of him, giving him the babydoll eyes.

“Not happening, so stop it with those eyes,” Jason looks away, so Marion turns around and falls back into step with him.

“Never,” Marion stops anyway, not wanting to ruin the light mood by making him irritated again.

They keep walking through the garden, in comfortable silence. Marion starts to hum a tune as he looks around at the foliage. He doesn't notice Jason's eyes are on him, not the scenery.

“Can we stop here for just a minute,” He gestures at a bench, “I need to write this down,”

“Sure,” Jason sits down, Marion sitting next to him, bringing out his notebook to jot down some musical notes and lyric ideas as they came.

“So you write music?” Jason asks, after Marion slows down his rapid pace for a more leisurely one.

“Yeah I sing a little too,” He answers, still mostly distracted but not minding the conversation.

“Written any songs?” Jason already knows the answer as he had been watching Marion do just that.

Marion wanted to laugh. He had albums full of songs that were listened to worldwide, but he couldn't share that. Instead he decided to tell him about before he became MCD.

“My friend Luka and I used to make some together,” They still technically did as Luka worked with him as MCD, not that Luka knew it was him.

“Used to?” Jason repeats.

“Yeah, things got awkward,” Marion pauses, looking up from his book, “You want to hear about the worst love square in history?”

“A love square?” Jason looks puzzled and amused.

“Don’t laugh, it’s possible,” Marion defends, closing his book.

“I think I’m going to need to hear this story to believe it,” Jason turns towards him.

“Alright, Lukas sister Juleka is in our class, that's how Marinette and I met him,” Marion puts his notebook away,  “Nette had-has a crush on… someone else, but Luka liked her,”

“Right,” Jason nods along, as Marion faces him.

“But I liked Luka,” Marion looks away and tries not to blush at the admission. He didn’t any more but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t embarrassing.

“Is he good looking?” Jason teases, leaning into his field of vision.

“Not the point, but yes,” Marion turns back, matching Jason's smirk with a flat look. “The thing is Juleka liked me,”

“And let me guess the ‘someone else’ that Marinette likes is Juleka?” Jason says, getting in on the love square insanity.

“No, but that would bring everything full circle wouldn’t it?” Marion hums contemplatively, “Anyway, I was the first to confess, ending in a very awkward conversation where everything was brought out into the open,”

“Sounds like a pain,” Jason declares with a sympathetic look.

“Yep, after that things got pretty weird, we didn’t have to see Luka much but Juleka is still in our class, she tends to avoid us,” Marion gives a thoughtful frown. Thinking about how it basically sent Juleka to Lila with a wrapper and bow.

“Hey, don’t worry about it,” Jason says softly, breaking Marion out of his daydream, “People drift apart,”

Marion smiles, pretending not to notice the bitter edge to Jason's voice. He changes the topic to Jason's hobbies, the two striking up a conversation about books they both enjoy. The two keep chatting until Alfred appears out of thin air, making Marion jump.

“Dinner is about to be served, I advise you make your way to the dining room,” Alfred tells them before swiftly leaving.

“Witchcraft,” Marion mutters, making Jason laugh.

“Let’s go, trust me you don’t want to miss Alfred's cooking,” Jason leads Marion back to the manor, keeping up their conversation. They reach the dining room to find everyone, including Dick and Tim at the table.

“Where have you two been?” Aunt Selina grins, as they take their seats, Marion next to Marinette, Jason sitting on his other side.

“The gardens, they’re beautiful Alfred,” Marion tells the man, as he places dishes on the table.

“I’m flattered you think so,” Alfred, not the cat, says.

“Noticed you conveniently disappeared,” Marinette whisper-hisses to him. “I get lectured, you get lectured, it’s all about balance,”

“I’ve been lectured enough today,” He whispers back, then even quieter, “Also I don’t think that's what Tikki meant,”

“Pretty sure it is,” Marinette mutters as the last dish is set down and they are told to begin.

Tim and Jason immediately start to fight. Stealing food from each other as the other is about to grab it, only for Damian to steal it from them both. Bruce ignores them only sending a warning glare that the three either didn’t see or chose to ignore.

“I am so sorry about them,” Dick apologies, trying and failing to subtly stop them.

“Hmmm?” Marion hums, swooping in to steal a piece of meat Jason had been about to claim.  

Jason looks shocked at Marion's teasing smirk. It was probably rude, but hey so was stealing food, Marion went straight for a bite without breaking eye contact. That was apparently a declaration of war as the four of them now started thwarting each other. Marion went for the cooked onions, which he hated, just to stop Damian from getting them. The death glare he got in return had no place at a family dinner.

“I’m so sorry about him,” Marinette parrots Dicks words, completely embarrassed.

Dick didn’t seem to mind so much now anyway, watching their antics with fondness. Bruce had even stopped glaring, instead focusing on trying to keep his amusement off his face. Marion pulled the plate out of reach just as Damian and Tim both went for it. Marinette decides to ignore him. She doesn't attempt to join the fray and instead steals food off his plate. Marion pouts that she didn’t take any of the food he dislikes. Dinner continues like that. The four of them fight over food, taking bites in between, usually as taunts. Meanwhile Marinette had a civil conversation with Aunt Selina, Bruce and Dick.

They finished the meal, it being Alfred who put an end to their fighting by sending them back to the living room. Cat-fred was lying by the fire so Marion goes to sit on the floor near him, petting the purring cat. Damian comes to sit next to him on the floor, while everyone else sits on actual furniture. Marinette next to their Aunt on the couch.

“Marinette, Marion what do you for… fun,” Bruce asks, as if fun is a foreign word to him.

“... I like fashion,” Marinette tells him, once it was clear Marion wasn't going to be distracted from Cat-fred for anything.

“Do you know MDC?” Dick asks, with what Marion unfortunately recognises as fanboy gleam in his eye.

“Uh,” Marionette exchanges a glance with Marion. He looks over to their Aunt who just smiles smugly. “I’ve heard of her,”

Marinette replies bashfully, and Marion's evil twin tendencies kick in.

“Heard of her?” Marion exclaims with a fake disbelieving tone, ignoring Marinette trying to shush him, “She’s MDC’s biggest fan, she's memorised every one of her designs, theres posters and articles all over out room, she knows every event coming up and where it will be, attends all of them,”

Marinette glowers at him with outrage. Marion grins back, he wasn’t lying after all.

“Really? That’s great,” Dick, bless his heart, looks genuinely excited.

“Yeah,” Marintte agrees, still glaring at Marion, “But I don’t like MCD, guy seems like a jerk,”

“Thats where you’re wrong,” Jason snatches their attention, “He's a great guy,”

“I’ve got some pretty good evidence to suggest otherwise,” Marinette glances at him again. If it was meant to make him remorseful, it wasnt working.

“He’s an advocate for super heros, he visits children hospital and orphanages for free, has held numerous anti-bullying campaigns, among others, he donates most of his concerts proceeds to the local charities in the city they are held in, also provides work and recognition to new-

“Well, that isn’t all him, MDC is part of all that too,” Marion squeaks out, face completely flushed, probably to the confusion of every other man in the room.

“Yeah but so is he, so I don’t know how you can consider him ‘a jerk’,” Jason seems genuinely offended and Marion has to hide behind Cat-fred to hide his blush.

“Sorry,” Marinette smiles, not at all sorry, with a teasing edge, “Marion is his biggest and I just wanted to rile him up,”

“You are?” Dick asks, all eyes on him.

“No,” Marion pets Cat-fred, unwilling to meet the others' eyes.

“He knows every song, sings them all the time, and don’t get me started on the dances he's always practicing in our room, he goes to every concert, probably the closest to the stage you can be,” Marinette turns his earlier trick back on him.

“Are you going to the concert in Gotham?” Tim breaks Marion's attention away from Marinette's smug grin.

“Yeah we are, it was Marinete's idea, why she insisted on doing the class trip,” Marion throws in.

“That's not true,” Marinette snaps.

This starts a too long conversation, lead by Dick, about why MDC and MCD are worth the trip. The twins have to spend the next, what felt like an eternity, talking about themselves. Their Aunt seems highly entertained watching them blush whenever a compliment was paid. Marinette tries to ask her to help them out by tapping morse code onto her hand. She finally gives into her pleading and tells them they need to get back to the hotel and rest.

“You two are welcome to stay here, I can make the arrangements,” Bruce offers, walking them out to the car.

“Oh, no that's fine thank you,” Marinette blushes, “We should probably stay with the class,”

“Which we have to thank you for as well,” Marion adds, Marinette looks mortified that she forgot to thank him earlier.

“That’s not necessary, I didn’t play any part in the selection process,” Bruce tells them before Marinette can start apologising, “Although I am certainly glad it was your class who was selected,”

“So are we,” Marinette smiles as they reach the car, “Thank you for tonight, dinner was lovely,”

“It was nice having you,” Bruce watches as they climb into the car, Selina taking the wheel, “Make sure you get some rest,”

“Thank you, we will,” Marinette says through the window. Both knowing perfectly well that was a lie.

They are sent off with a wave and watch as the Mansion travels out of sight.

“Thanks for all the help tonight,” Marion leans forward from the back seat.

“What can I say, it was funny,” Selina laughs, Marinette next to her in the front seat.

“It was embarrassing,” Marion groans, still a blushing mess.

“As if no ones ever talked about you in front of you,” Selina drives along quickly, probably faster than the speed limit would like.

“They have,” Marinette agrees, also blushing, “But that was-”

“So much worse,” Marion hides his face in his hands, peeking through his fingers.

“Worse? Or better?” Selina gives him a sly look from the mirror, “Those boys are big fans of yours, especially Jason,”

“Stooop, I’ve had enough teasing today,” Marion flops across the back seat.

“About what?” Marion realises it was a mistake, letting his Aunt in on gossip.

“Nothing,” Marinette’s tone suggest it was definitely not nothing, “Just ran into his crush for the first time today,”

“Why do you feel the need to hurt me this way,” Marion laments dramatically, making their Aunt laugh.

“Who is it,” She asks Marinette, ignoring him.

“What's the worst way to meet someone?” Marinette asks instead.

“I’d say- wait… Red Hood?” She turns back to him, looking away from the road, much to Marinette’s alarm.

Marion pulls his hood up and over his eyes with a nod. She bursts out laughing.

“Oh of all the-” She shakes her head looking back to the road, “Don’t worry kitten, that's definitely not the worst way to meet someone- I’d know,”

“Not even if you’re wearing his outfit?” Marion says miserably, glaring more than staring out the window as buildings go by.

“Trust me, not the worst thing you could be wearing,” She reaches back to give him a comforting pat on the shoulder, “Is this why you stepped in today?”

“No,” Marion frowns at her, once again, teasing tone, “It was just the right thing to do,”

“Hmmm, I feel it’s probably not the best example to agree with you,” She hums, turning a corner, “But, I’m glad your first instinct was to help people,”

“So-”

“And no, you can not bring that up next time you get in trouble,” She cuts Marinette off, pulling over in front of the hotel, “Now go straight upstairs and get some sleep,”

“Yes Auntie,” They both say mischievously, jumping out of the car leaving her with a suspicious glare.

They wave goodbye, planning to go straight to the roof. They don’t even get off the elevator before Marinette is giving Marion her scarf to turn inside out into a mask.

[shemakesmusic-uk]

Hearts & Hand Grenades just released a new single and a music video for the title track off their upcoming full-length album Between the Lines. The video was directed by Nick Sonricker at Twenty6 Productions. "’Between the Lines’ is about discovering something you thought was true in fact, was actually a lie" says guitarist Mike Bress. "Trying to unfold the truth while you feel like no one is listening can be frustrating. We often see this is the case when it comes to politics and propaganda spread by governments. Sometimes you have to question what you're being told, do the research, and find out for yourself what is really going on!" Lead vocalist and bassist Stephanie Wlosinski adds, "this is the third video directed by Nick Sonricker, and once again, he brought his flair for quick cuts, sharp angles, and plenty of camera movement to capture the live feel of our stage show. His energy matches ours and makes for a smooth video shoot. During the shoot, Mike and Kenny stood up on side platforms and I stood on a narrow staircase in the middle of the stage. Well, I’m absolutely terrified of heights and had to hide my fear during those takes. We shot that twice and that was enough. I was in a panic at that point, and I needed a minute to calm my nerves to continue. Besides me being a wimp with heights, everything else was fantastic."

UK mathcore trio Pupil Slicer have put out a new video for ‘Collective Unconscious’ from their great debut album Mirrors, which came out earlier this year on Prosthetic Records. The video uses footage from the band's set at Knotfest's streaming festival Pulse of the Maggots, and vocalist/guitarist Katie Davies tells Knotfest about the meaning behind the song: “The song is about coming to terms with being trans and the amount of vitriol and unconscious bias in society around it, as well as my own internalised transphobia. Basically after realising I was trans there wasn’t any way to un-learn that fact, so there was only one option: going forward despite knowing how hard things could be. The idea of the majority of society being conditioned from birth to laugh at and dismiss everything about trans people, and there being no willing to learn about struggles or to try to help. The way most media paints trans people is as sexual predators, just plain delusional or a threat to everyone around them. A way of coping became dissociation; disconnecting from what people say and how you feel so that the negativity can’t affect you as much, distancing yourself from your own feelings as much as you can so that you don’t feel anything either way.” [via Brooklyn Vegan]

Following up to their dynamic latest single, ‘Remnants In Time’ and its haunting music video, THE AGONIST is thrilled to reveal the EP’s second single, ‘Feast On The Living’ and another killer video. The certified burner stands tall with rollercoaster clean and gritty vocals, rapid fire drums and needle-sharp guitar leads and solos, cementing the track as one of the most technically meticulous of the band’s career and a forewarning of the band’s more extreme leanings. Frontwoman Vicky Psarakis says about the track and video: “Everything that could possibly go wrong with this video shoot, well… did, haha. We had a very difficult time finding the right location, so our vision kept changing. Days before the shoot was scheduled to take place we managed to secure the perfect spot and experimenting with all sorts of cool lighting is what took it to the next level!Musically, ‘Feast On The Living’ is a much more straightforward metal track. You’re 4 songs into the EP, at this point you know exactly what you’re going to be served and you’re loving it.” [via Outburn]

Lucifer will release their new record Lucifer IV on October 29, meaning you'll have it in full for Halloween this year. The band is now streaming the plenty-creepy new single ‘Crucifix (I Burn For You),’ which I've heard if you listen to backward will immediately summon the Devil. And if you watch the Amir Chamdin-directed music video for the single backward, you'll get really close to someone's eyeball. [via Metal Injection]

Moldovan prog metal group Infected Rain have set Ecdysis as the title of their forthcoming fifth album, due January 7 next year, and have debuted a music video for the first single, ‘Postmortem 1.’ The album opener offers a glimpse of what lies ahead, establishing the mood with an eerie, quiet atmosphere and palpably foreboding tension — much like when you know a jump-scare moment is coming in a horror film. And that moment more than delivers as dual-threat vocalist Lena Scissorhands lets out a banshee roar amid a wall of heavy, clamoring distortion. ‘Postmortem Pt. 1′ ranges in intensity, drifting from bottom-heavy passages to breathy moments that again provide the opportunity for Infected Rain to shatter the still. "Postmortem is about the constant search. The never happy, never content… Blind to the real treasures of life, we constantly want more and more," said Scissorhands of the Ecdysis track. [via Loudwire]

[dustedmagazine]

Ian Mathers’ 2020: We’re stuck inside our own machines

I’ve had a song I loved in high school and haven’t thought much about since stuck in my head. The song “Apparitions” by the Matthew Good Band is a fine example of the alt rock of the late 90s; if you grew up then but somewhere down in the states (or elsewhere) instead of my southern Ontario you may well have your regional equivalents, and like this one they may not resonate terribly strongly outside of their time and place. It popped back into my head after a long time recently and of course 2020 has changed it a little. A song that as a teen I felt keenly as about loneliness (albeit also about how technology can feed into that) of course now plays on my nerves as another small piece of art about the way that most of us (those scared and/or responsible anyway) have only that relatively narrow, technologically mediated connection to the people we love. All of us, artists and listeners alike, are trying to fit our feelings and art and selves down these little connections, with some success.

On a personal level, 2020 wound up being stressful in ways we couldn’t have predicted even after the pandemic hit. In circumstances that could have seen governments on this continent support those unable to work (and those who shouldn’t have to), support those workers who are truly essential, support workers and renters and even landlords and small businesses, instead we got a near-total abeyance of those governments using the resources we provide them with to save any of us. On a personal level my wife and I were lucky enough to be able to work from home (not that it didn’t come with its own forms of stress, and now that I’m off until January I have several work/stress-related illnesses to recover from) but still saw friends and loved ones lose good, used-to-be-sustainable livings overnight, saw family businesses succumb to a near-total absence of effective government support after months of trying to keep above water, etc.

It is probably no surprise that this is not a situation conducive to listening to music, let alone writing about it; I have deliberately and happily kept busy on behind the scenes stuff at Dusted that I could still manage but looking, at the end of the year, at the amount I managed to actually create is demoralizing if not at all shocking. I’m not sure I think next year will be ‘better’ in many important ways, although at our job there is a growing feeling among coworkers that next year has to have some work/life balance because 2020 was, maybe more than anything else, unsustainable.

That’s not to say I didn’t spend a lot of time and emotion on music this year, and if nothing else constant sleep deprivation, stress, and panic meant I was probably open to being deeply moved by all sorts of art even more than normally (it’s gotten to the point where I can’t even read a sad or moving twitter thread out loud to my wife without getting teary, which is kind of… nice?). Funnily enough the band that did the most to keep me sane didn’t really put out anything in 2020. Personal favorite, Low, instead started, in early April, getting on Instagram with something they called on whim “It’s Friday I’m in Low.” With one brief break they have now done by my count at least 35 shows (catalogued here, by the way), every Friday at about 4 my time.

Admittedly it’s easier for Low to pull this off than some bands, since the 2/3 of the trio that sing are a married couple (they’ve had a couple of socially-distanced backyard shows with bassist Steve Garrington, but he’s mostly been isolating elsewhere). These shows have seen the band’s Alan Sparhawk take a mid-set break to do follow-up phone interviews with the acts featured in the COVID-curtailed touring bands series Vansplainingthat they started on YouTube, or just to give a tour round their vegetable garden and talk tips. It’s seen Alan and Mimi Parker draw on their impressive, 25+ year body of work (averaging 4-5 songs a set, I don’t think they’ve repeated themselves yet) and talk a bit between songs about pandemics, politics, song choices, and whether Alan should grab his bike helmet this time.

They’re not the only musicians out there speaking love and sanity (and playing music) into the strange digital interzone filled with hate and disinformation where we’ve all been forced to gather while locked down, but they were and the most consistent and steady signal being emitted each week. No matter how tired I was from work or what new symptoms I’d developed or what horrific thing I read into the news, even if I had to take an emergency nap while it was actually airing, every Friday the show was there. Once things do return to something more like normal, it’s one of the few things I’ll unambiguously miss about this weird-ass year.

So if that makes an argument for Low as my band of the year (admittedly again… it’s not like Double Negative has aged poorly, either), that does a disservice to those 2020 records I did connect with; even if there are still literally dozens I have to go through, many of which I expect to love, my top picks this year (if as unrankable by me as always) hit me as hard as any top pick in recent years did. So here I present a quick and informal top 5, which the rest of my top 20 following in alphabetical order. Here’s hoping for more time and space in 2021 for music, and even more than that, for more support for those who need it from those who could have been providing it all this time. (The Matthew Good Band, incidentally, always did best with their ballads. “Strange Days” is another I’ve had in my head these days; the image of moving “backwards, into a wall of fire” has stuck with me since the 90s and it’s never felt more grimly appropriate.)

Greet Death — New Hell

New Hell by Greet Death

This one is, in some sense, cheating; it came out November 2019. But that just means it’s the latest winner of my personal Torres Prize for Ian Being Late to the Party (so named because becoming slightly obsessed with Torres’ Sprinter just after I sent in my 2015 list was the first time I noticed that one of my favorite records of each year tends to get picked up by me just after I call it quits on the year, no matter how long I try to wait). This very doom and gloom slowcore/metal/(whatever, just know it’s heavy) trio at first felt very much like my beloved Cloakroom (whose Time Well has also won a Torres Prize) but sure enough nuances revealed themselves. Back in February it felt almost a little too negative, but then the rest of 2020 happened. And the extended burns of “You’re Gonna Hate What You’ve Done” and the title track remain searing.

Holy Fuck — Deleter

Probably the record I’ve been trying to write about the longest in 2020, and the one I’m most disappointed in myself that I just couldn’t get the requisite paragraphs together. It’s a wonderful effort from the consistently great Toronto resolutely human-created (and —mediated) dance music quartet, one that both feels like a summation of everything they do well, and with the addition of some outside voices (including strong turns from the singers of both Hot Chip and Liars) a step forward at the same time.

Spanish Love Songs — Brave Faces Everyone

Brave Faces Everyone by Spanish Love Songs

As the year got worse, this roar of defiance only got more crucial for me to hear every so often; I was a big enough fan of it, even after writing it up for Dusted, that when they solicited fan footage for a subsequent music video you may just be able to get a glimpse of me in it. (I’m the one in a “No Tories” t-shirt.) My punk rock-loving twin brother was the one who introduced me to Spanish Love Songs and we were supposed to spend an evening in June screaming along to them live in a packed, sweaty room. I need that in my life again.

Julianna Barwick — Healing Is a Miracle

Healing Is A Miracle by Julianna Barwick

It’s a sign of what 2020 has been like here that even just this album title leaves bruises, and while I privately worried Barwick would have a hard time following up 2016’s sublime Will (probably my favorite record that year), it seems that continuing to take whatever downtime she needs to keep focusing and refining her particular muse has once again yielded amazing results. Anyone who thinks they know what a Barwick track sounds like should really check out, say, “Flowers”, but much of this record absolutely sounds like Barwick, just even better than before. She also boasted my wife and I's favorite streaming concert of 2020, an absolutely gorgeous rendition of this album with Mary Lattimore showing up.

Phoebe Bridgers — Punisher

Punisher by Phoebe Bridgers

I joked on Twitter recently that I have far too nice a dad (and far too good a relationship with him) to be as obsessed as I am with Phoebe Bridgers’ “Kyoto”, but here we are. Like most of her generation, Bridgers’ social media presence ranges from shit-posting to inscrutable, but even though things are often just as hard to figure out in her beautiful songs (as they often are in life), there’s an emotional clarity to them that can just grab you deep down. Couple that with seriously impressive songcraft and the progress from her already astounding debut Stranger in the Alps and more than anyone else in 2020 I’m excited to see just where the hell Phoebe Bridgers is going to go, because it feels like she’s talented and hardworking enough to go just about anywhere and drag a lot of our hearts with her.

Other Favorites

Aidan Baker & Gareth Davis — Invisible Cities II

Anastasia Minster — Father

Deftones — Ohms

Hum — Inlet

Kelly Lee Owens — Inner Song

Mesarthim — The Degenerate Era

Perfume Genius — Set My Heart On Fire Immediately

Protomartyr — Ultimate Success Today

Rachel Kiel — Dream Logic

The Ridiculous Trio — The Ridiculous Trio Plays the Stooges

Sam Amidon — Sam Amidon

Shabason, Krgovich & Harris — Philadelphia

Stars Like Fleas — DWARS Session: Live on Radio VPRO

Well Yells — We Mirror the Dead

Yves Tumour — Heaven to a Tortured Mind

Five Reissues/Compilations/etc.

Aix Em Klemm — Aix Em Klemm

Bardo Pond — Adrop/Circuit VIII

Charles Curtis — Performances & Recordings 1998-2018

Coil — Musick to Play in the Dark

Hot Chip — LateNightTales

Ian Mathers

[itsnsfwalways]

Canyon Moon

FIC MASTERLIST

WARNINGS FOR CHP. 2: swearing, mild drug & alcohol use, brief mentions of death

CHAPTER TWO: wish i could get to know you

The two of you pull up to your buddy Mike’s place, a small, hole-in-the-wall studio.

Harry parks the car and gets out to open your door, although he waits for you outside to tie your boots.

“How’d you meet this guy?”

“Oh, Mike? We can’t really remember the first time, I’ll tell you the story with him when we’re inside.”

You hop out of the car and grab his hand, swinging it back and forth as you walk up to the front, hearing soft music playing already.

The two of you reach the door and Y/N swings it open, yelling out,

“I hope you’re ready because mama wants a tattoo.”

Harry shakes his head and tries to hide his grin as he turns around to shut the door all the way.

“You’re fucking stupid,” A male voice laughs out, looking up from his sketchbook. His feet are propped up on the counter, and of course, he is littered with tattoos.

“Mike, this is Mr. Ferrari, Ferrari, Mike,” you introduce, waving your hands between the two.

“I saw that fuckin car, I was like ‘who the fuck is coming to me in that?’” Mike exclaimed, snapping his fingers.

“Hey, mate, I’m Harry,” Harry says, leaning forward to shake Mike’s hand while giving you a look that makes your head drop to the floor and your heart skip a beat.

“Nice to meet you, dude. I’m Mike, Like your tats,” Mike says, getting up from the chair behind the counter.

He leads the two of you over to his station, getting all his supplies laid out as you hop into the leather chair.

“So what are you getting, Y/N?” Harry asks, sitting in a chair near you.

“This extremely intricate design that’s going to take lots of mental power, and, of course, only gives me a few hours notice,” Mike teases, kicking the bottom of your chair.

“It’s just this geometrical thing I saw on a Tarot card a little while ago, it really stuck out to me.” You explain, pulling the card from your purse.

“Oh, cool.” Harry nods, picking up the card, only after looking at you for permission, of course. He holds it lightly by the edges, being sure to be gentle with it.

“‘S not gonna bite you, baby,” you giggle, knocking your knee against his, biting back a smile at the way his head shoots up.

He grins at you, knocking his knee back while setting down the card carefully on the table.

“I know, but I know these cards are special to some people, want to be gentle with em,” he says softly, twirling his pointer finger ring.

“Some decks are, but these are very relaxed. You don’t have to treat em like glass.”

He nods and blushes slightly, looking away for a second to hide his smile.

“You done flirting so I can start?” Mike asks, removing the transfer paper from your inner right forearm.

“You’ve had sex on my living room floor, I’m allowed to do whatever the fuck I want after that,” you say, shuddering slightly at the memory.

“Fair point.” Mike nods, beginning the design.

“So, um, Y/N said that you guys can’t remember how you met? I’d love to hear the story.” Harry jumps in, eyebrows raised at your last statement.

“Oh, fuck,” Mike laughs, dipping the needle in more ink. “I think it needs to come with a warning that I spent pretty much the entire year of 2015 drunk. She says we met at a Tame Impala gig but I have no such memory of this happening.”

“It did happen! You gave me your number because I kept bugging you about your tattoos but it was to this random mom in Philadelphia, who did not appreciate me calling her at 3 am.”

“Anyways,” Mike cuts in, rolling his eyes, “We officially met at a New Year’s Eve party later that year that my wife, Maggie, hosted. Y/N and her ex came and proceeded to break up right before the ball dropped, and she made out with my sister instead just to piss him off.”

You let out a laugh and cover your quickly turning red face with your hand, peeking through your fingers to gauge Harry’s reaction.

“Wow.” He acknowledges, eyebrows raised and fingers pinching his bottom lip, glancing back at you. His lips quiver slightly as he tries to hold back his laughter.

“Alright, haha, very funny. The ending to this, BEAUTIFUL, story, I must say, is he gave me this tattoo the next week and the rest is history.” You gesture to the sunflower bundle inked on your thigh, before puckering up your lips at Mike, who, without even looking up, shoves your face with his other hand.

“Honestly, Harry, I’d run while you can. There’s never a dull moment with this one, that’s for fucking sure.” Mike advises, rolling his eyes when you smile widely.

“I’m starting to learn that,” Harry laughs, eyes trained on you.

The three of you go into a comfortable silence, the only sound being the tattoo gun whirring and your occasional whimper at a sensitive spot.

A thin line of sweat has slowly covered your body, and Mike notices, scoffing.

“We’re gonna take a quick break. I’m gonna go get a cig when you get calm, back in 20,” He says, stopping the machine and leaving the room quickly.

“So, uh, you guys have quite a fun dynamic,” Harry comments.

You take a deep breath and look to him, your mouth closing at how he’s positioned. It’s been about an hour at this point, and he’s shifted in his seat to a more comfortable position. Leaned back against the chair, legs spread open, arms resting behind his back, it wasn’t helping your situation.

“Yeah, he’s like my older brother. His sister is great too,” You mindlessly say.

“I’ll bet,” Harry smirks, nodding slowly.

“Hey, quit it. You get to have fun with pretty girls and so do I.”

Harry clears his throat at your boldness and adjusts his positioning, changing to lean forward on his knees.

You get up to grab two water bottles from the mini-fridge under the counter, offering one to Harry when you sit back down.

Drinking about half the bottle, you let out a sigh, trying to get your shaking legs under control.

“What’s your shirt say?” You ask, still having not figured out the small black text.

“Oh, it says ‘Treat People With Kindness’. It’s kind of my motto, or slogan, I guess. Most of my merch says either this or the abbreviation for it.” He tells you, hands going down to pull the shirt away from his chest.

“That’s really nice, Harry.” He glances up at you with a small smile on his face, nodding slightly.

“Bit egotistical wearing your own merch, but hey, who am I to judge?”

He rolls his eyes and bumps the bottom of your chair with his foot.

“Why’d he stop? You don’t seem to be freaking out to me. Maybe a little sweaty,” he teases, not realizing what he’s asking.

Groaning, you lean your head backwards towards the ceiling, hating yourself for what you’re about to say.

“Got a bit of a pain kink so I’m... overwhelmed, let’s say, and Mike hates that about me.”

Harry lets out a breath of air at this and you turn your head to look at him.

Your slight leg tremors are now starting to click, the blown out pupils, and swollen red lips from how much you were biting them.

“If it makes you feel better, I had to get a tattoo on live television and to this day, I still see zoomed in photos of my eyes from it online. At least they make the process fun.”

Your jaw drops and you lift your head up.

“Alright, Harry, shit,” you mutter, wiping the sweat off your brow. “Always got to one up me.”

He looks shocked at this and mockingly puts a hand to his chest.

“Says you! From the minute I met you, you’ve continued to surprise me with everything you say.”

“Okay, Mr. ‘I sang with Stevie Nicks and cruise around Malibu in a beautiful car’.” You say, blushing slightly from his words.

“You sang with Stevie Nicks?” Mike asks, walking through the door.

“Yes! He’s a musician, let’s play his album. What’s it called?” You jump up, slapping your hands on your thighs.

“Harry Styles, it’s a self-titled album. You can listen to it later if you want, I mean, we don’t have to-“

You shut off his rambling quickly.

“I wanna hear your voice! Also self-titled, we love a man with a big ego,” You tease, getting up to get the iPad that controls the music.

Typing in his name, you raise your eyes at the number of streams he has, clicking on the album and playing the first song, ‘Meet Me In The Hallway’.

“You’re quite pretty, Harry. That’s some gorgeous cover art.” You comment, pretending to examine it further.

“Oh god,” he laughs, tucking his chin down to hide his face a little bit.

“Okay, Y/N, shut up, sit your ass down, so I can finish this and you can listen to the song properly.” Mike points, making you put the iPad down and come over.

The song hypnotizes you for a second, trying to zone out and listen to it.

“Shit, Harry, you are fucking good.” You mutter, hand going to your mouth at his talent.

“Thank you,” he whispers, looking almost nervous at your reaction.

Your jaw stays open pretty much the entire song, each note making your eyes go wider or glance at Harry, trying to figure out how he is this perfect.

“Is it too soon to propose?” You ask, his voice slowly fading in the background as it changes to the next song.

He laughs and scrunches his nose slightly before telling you, “Just a tad.”

The next song starts playing, and you’d be lying if tears didn’t fall.

Trying to play it off, you look away and wipe your eyes. Mike glances up at you and stops for a minute, rubbing your arm slightly and giving you a squeeze. You tap back on the table and he nods, feeling better that you gave him an okay.

“Fuck, sorry, this is a lot. Crying on the second song, phew. Hope you’re doing good upstairs, Harry,” You laugh, sniffling a little.

“Don’t apologize, please. Music brings up a lot of emotions, I feel so honored that you’re reacting to it so strongly.” He says, rubbing your knee slightly,

“Should I cry a little more then?” You tease, smiling at him with damp eyes.

“Boost my ego a bit, maybe,” he smiles back.

All of a sudden, the song climaxes, and your jaw drops once more.

“Holy shit, Harry! Do you have anything wrong with you? My god.” You shake your head, in disbelief over him.

“I mean, I am always traveling, so there’s that. But other than that, I’m pretty much awesome,” he pretends to boast, fake popping his collar.

The song shifts to Carolina, which Harry tells you after you ask as soon as it starts playing.

“She’s such a good girl, she feels so good. Am I hearing that right? Just wanna check,” you recite the lyrics slowly back to him, moving your free arm around.

Harry looks away, pretending to check out the pictures on the wall behind him.

“Are you gonna be like this for every song?” Mike asks, and you nod happily, bumping your head to the beat.

Almost the entire album plays while Mike is tattooing you, all with varying reactions of either, ‘Harry!’, ‘Is this real?’, ‘I’m gonna start crying’, or ‘this is the sexiest shit I’ve ever heard’. Without fail, you ask him the song name when the first few notes start playing and he tells you it, sitting quietly and smiling at you getting so happy over his music.

Mike finishes wrapping you up and goes to the back to find some healing products for you as the final notes of Woman play, and you swivel in your chair to face Harry, knocking your knees against his.

“What’s the next one called?” You ask, so in awe of the man sitting in front of you.

“From the Dining Table. ‘S the last one. Quite an emotional one.” He says back, smiling sadly at you while playing with his rings.

You nod in understanding as it starts, coming to sit next to him and leaning your head on his shoulder, so drained from the last few hours. He wraps his arm around you, tucking his head over yours.

The song goes by without a noise from either of you, sans a few sniffles that made Harry squeeze you a little tighter.

After it ends and the two of you sit there in silence for a while, you say quietly,

“I like how at the end the music swelled when you wanted them to call you, and then it cut out. That was pretty powerful.”

He nods, the movement moving your head slightly.

“I like that part too.”

You pull away from him and look at his face close up for a second, trying to read him.

“Thank you for sharing this with me. I mean, obviously not with me, but that you let me freak out over you. You’re really special, Mr. Ferrari,” you whisper, brushing his hair out of his face.

“So are you, Y/N,” he mumbles, eyes flickering to your lips for a second.

“You paying cash or card?” Mike’s voice cuts through the air and the two of you jump apart, feeling like teenagers.

“Um, card,” You say, standing up with your purse and heading to the counter to pay.

Mike rings you up and you grab a hundred from your wallet to tip him with.

“Ah, I remembered why I like you,” Mike smirks, grabbing the bill from you.

“Stupid,” you mutter, giving him a hug goodbye.

“Oh, before you leave, I’m throwing a party this Saturday, Harry, you’re welcome to come as well,” Mike adds, gesturing him over.

He moves from his spot against the wall to stand next to you, a hand resting on your lower back for a second before dropping to his side.

“Thank you, I’ll have to check and see but I’d love to come. It was great meeting you mate, might have to set an appointment up in the future,” He smiles, shaking Mike’s hand once more.

“Hell yes, brother, I’d love to. Great album, by the way. Can see why Y/N brought you by.” Mike crosses his arms over his chest and looks at you while he says this.

“Alright, shut it down,” You snap your fingers at him, glaring slightly. “I’ll text you later, loser.”

“Get out!” He yells, making you laugh as you drag Harry away.

“Need help with your bag?” Harry asks as you exit the shop, the cold air biting your bare legs.

“I’m good, thank you though.” You swing the bag so it hits his butt just to see the way he jumps and runs away from you for a second.

“Hey! No hitting the driver!” He scolds, wagging a finger pointedly.

“We haven’t even gotten in the car yet!” You argue, coming to a stop in front of his car.

“Doesn’t matter.” He shakes his head and grins at you when he unlocks the door, immediately reaching for yours to open it for you.

“Thank you.” Your voice came out as a meek whisper and you cleared your throat after he shut the door, trying to shake out your butterflies.

He plops himself down next to you and pats his hands on the steering wheel for a second.

“Do you want me to drop you off at your van or your apartment?” He asks, turning to face you.

“Trying to kick me out?” You questioned, laughing at his expression.

“Van’s fine. I’m probably just going to write, I’ve got some stuff to do for a friend.”

“Is there a name for the beach? I’m not sure I remember how to get there,” Harry admits, opening up Google Maps on his phone.

“Not really but I can just find it on the map real quick, I’ve been in this position way too many times.”

He hands his phone over and you find the cove in less than twenty seconds, handing it back over.

“So where are you from? I’m realizing you tricked me into spilling my guts without telling me too much about yourself.” Harry questions, hand going up to scratch his chin.

“I grew up kind of all around California, my family was always traveling so I was homeschooled for all my life. Only child, because we were pretty broke and I was a ‘happy accident’,” You quote, laughing at your mom’s phrasing.

“Aren’t we all really?” Harry grins, shrugging slightly.

“I think so. Anyways, my parents died when I was 15 and that really made me get my shit together. I moved in with my best friend, Laura. Graduated high school early and just worked my ass off for a couple years. Bought Miss Sunflower and renovated her, traveled through America for about a year and a half before moving here with Laura. She and I got an apartment together and just have kind of figured life out since then. She works at a record label and I’ve been working as a part-time songwriter since I was 16, mostly just helping out whenever an extra person is needed or they need some extra little sad sprinkles in a song.” You explain, taking a breath after you finish your little rant.

“I’m so sorry for your loss. I know your parents would be very proud of you staying true to your roots.” Harry sadly smiles, rolling up to a red light at the perfect time. He leans over to give you a quick hug and you graciously accept, whispering a little ‘thank you’ in his ear.

“It’s been a rough grieving process but I’d like to think they are. Please don’t pity me though, it sucks, yes, but life could be so much worse. I’m lucky to have the people in my life that I do,” you explained, picking your nails nervously.

“I completely understand. I lost my stepdad last year and being there for my mum was the only thing that kind of kept me going,” Harry sympathizes, twisting one of his rings around his hands.

“I’m sorry as well,” you murmur, taking his hand and holding it.

“Yeah,” Harry exhales harshly. “Life’s a bitch.”

You giggle lightly, nodding. “That she is.”

The two of you sit in silence for the remainder of the drive back, listening to the ocean waves and the sounds of your breathing.

Harry parks his car next to your van and puts it in park, leaving the headlights on.

“Thank you for coming with me and sharing all of this, you really know how to make a girl feel special,” you blush, tucking a loose curl behind your ear.

“Thank you, Y/N. I feel like my whole view on the world has shifted so much in the last few hours,” Harry gushes, and you have to turn away to smile for a second.

“Come on,” you mumble, hiding your mouth with your hand.

“I’m serious! I know we just met but I really like you, I’d love to continue this. And I need to listen to you play still, not fair I only got to hear from far away for a few seconds.”

“I’d definitely like to see you again, but it’s a harsh maybe on the playing,” You nod, biting your lip to stop the smile from plastering itself on your face.

“I can give you my number if that works, but, like I said, I’m always here.” You offered, gesturing to your car.

“Number works great. And I’ll let you have your spot, I don’t want to take it away from you,” Harry pulls out his phone to give you his contacts.

“No, please come join me, with friends too! I need to share this little bundle of joy,” You hope to pursuade him into visiting this spot, but his expression is unreadable.

“How about this, I’ll text you before I come?” He suggests, taking his phone back from your hands.

“Perfect. Thank you again, Harry,” you emphasize, leaning over to give him another hug.

“Of course, love. Thank you for a wonderful night.”

You wave goodbye after getting out of his car and head into your van, taking note he doesn’t leave til you’ve gotten yourself inside and shut the door.

You plop yourself down on the bed and sigh, looking up at the ceiling.

“Holy shit,” you sigh, getting up to get into the driver’s seat.

You FaceTime Mike on your way back to the apartment, unable to wait to talk to Laura when you get home.

He answers a few seconds later, beer in hand.

“‘Sup loser,” he greets you with a head nod, “You get home okay?”

“Yes, oh my god. What the fuck was tonight? What do you think of Harry?”

He sighs and moves to lean his phone against something.

“If I’m being honest, the man is unreal. I don’t know how the fuck you found him but, wow. I can’t think of anyone who is down to not only drive someone they just met to get a tattoo, but to then sit through the entire thing while having them fangirl over their album.”

“I was not fangirling!” You try and defend, but one look from Mike shuts you up.

“Okay, maybe I was, but I’m just so in awe. I gave him my number because I thought he might feel weird giving me his. He had almost a billion streams on his first fucking album. That’s insane.” You explain, biting your thumb.

“Quit biting. And yeah, I’m not going to lie I looked him up after you left. Mans is a proper superstar, used to date Kendall Jenner allegedly.”

“Bleh,” you shake. “I don’t want to know about his life from the internet, that’s so weird. Also, when Alex and I were together he was dating some new model every other week, all those magazines are bullshit.”

“True. But Alex also was dating a model,” Mike retorts, trying to pick your buttons.

“Haha, very funny,” you deadpann, rolling your eyes.

“I’m just saying, as your brother, be careful. He really does seem like an amazing guy.”

“Yeah. He really is. Say hi to Maggie for me when you get home! I’m rolling up to my place right now so I gotta go.”

“I will. I know you already know how to take care of your tattoo so I’m not gonna waste my time. Later, loser.”

“Bye, dumbass.” You hang up, pulling into the driveway.

Practically dancing up the steps and through the front door, you’re met with the cozy atmosphere the two of you have created for yourself. You can tell your favorite vanilla candle is burning somewhere in the house and you slip off your shoes, practically running into Laura’s room and leaping onto her bed.

“Hello, my love,” she smiles, hugging you tightly. Her perfume envelopes you and you squeeze her back, lying your head in her lap.

“I thought you were staying at the beach today?” She wonders, playing with your hair.

You sit up at this, resting on your elbows.

“I met a boy,” you smile, putting your hands to your cheeks.

“Shut up!” Her voice raises a few octaves and she scrambles upright, hitting your thigh with her hand.

“Ow!”

“Who is he? Where? Oh my god!” Laura rattles off, bouncing up and down on the bed.

“His name’s Harry, we met at the spot. He came with me to get the Tarot card tattoo at Mike’s.” You gesture to the bandage around your forearm.

“Shit, man. What’s he look like?”

“Fucking hot. He’s British, for one. Tall, curly brown hair, green eyes, lots of tattoos. Also, he’s got the voice of a goddamn angel.”

“You’re not talking about Harry Styles, are you?” Laura asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, you know him?” You wonder, surprised she knows his name.

Her jaw drops and she fully shoves ou off the bed, emitting a ‘hey!’ from you.

“Of course I know Harry fucking Styles. Are you serious?”

You blow your hair out of your face and lean up on your elbows, one leg still on the edge of the bed.

“No, I’m not joking, what the hell?” You laugh, pulling yourself back onto the comforter.

“How the- who- what?!” She stutters, looking at you expectantly for a story.

“He came up to me on the beach asking for a lighter, we smoked a j and just kind of started talking. I asked if he wanted to go to Mike’s with me and he drove me over, and I’m me, so I tried to pick apart his brain a little. We listened to his album, which, by the way, have you heard it? That shit’s incredible.”

“Of course I’ve heard it! The entire world has heard it! Keep going!”

“Jesus,” you laugh, shocked by her reaction. “He drove me back and we got a little deep, I gave him my number before I left. I think we kind of had a moment though, he looked like he wanted to kiss me for a second.”

You pull your knees to your chest and rest your chin on them, thinking back to that moment.

“Holy shit, Y/N,” Laura sighs, falling back dramatically on her pillow.

“I know. I feel kind of weird though, he seems very closed in. I mean, I get it, I saw that he has quite a bit of fame, but I don’t want to have to pry him open, y’know?”

“I mean, yeah, but he’s really fucking famous. His fans are some of the most die-hard people out there. And there’s a hell of a lot of people who would do unspeakable things to be in your position. Myself included,” she mumbles at the end, and you swat her with a pillow.

“Gah,” you moan, lying down next to her. “I don’t know how to navigate my way around that kind of fame. What if he sees that, or still thinks that I’m lying about not knowing who he is? That’d be a bit egotistical, though, so maybe I’d be dodging a bullet.”

“Nope! You are not missing out on an opportunity to fuck Harry Styles.”

You laugh, scrunching your nose.

“I don’t want to think of him like that. Just Harry, the dude who I’ve been relentlessly teasing all night.” You turn onto your stomach suddenly.

“Shit. What if I was being too much?”

You groan again, pushing your face in her pillow.

“Than he’s dumb for not realizing how funny you are.”

Your phone pings suddenly, and you grab it from your back pocket, not recognizing the number on your home screen.

“Shit, he just texted me.” You shout, standing up onto the ground while you read the message aloud.

Hey, Y/N, it’s Harry. Hope you’re enjoying the rest of your night, I just wanted to give you my number and thank you again. Tonight was probably the most fun I’ve had in a while, if I’m being honest, and I was wondering if you wanted to do lunch tomorrow?

“Oh, fuck ME, he just asked me out to lunch.” Your hand goes up to your mouth as you look wide-eyed at Laura, who’s expression matches yours.

“Bitch, say yes!”

“Okay!” you yell back, pacing back and forth.

hey harry ! i’m glad you had fun tonight, i was worried i might’ve scared you off haha. i’d love to do lunch, what time were you thinking ?

“Does that sound okay?” You hand your phone off to Laura, getting her stamp of approval before sending it.

“Ah! Okay, shit fuck, it’s sent.” You throw your phone onto her bed and lean against her door, waiting for his reply.

Your phone lights up not even two minutes later, a text from Harry reading,

Haha, definitely didn’t scare me off. If anything, the opposite. How does noon sound? I can pick you up if you’d like?

“A gentleman,” Laura sighs, fanning herself as you read it together.

“Shut up,” you mumble, blushing slightly as you type back,

well, good, i’m glad :). noon works great, here’s my address. sleep well, harry.

I’ll be counting down the minutes. Goodnight, love.

You scream as you read his last text, shoving your face in your hands.

“Oh my god, okay, Y/N, take a chill pill,” you tell yourself, taking a deep breath in. “Ugh, why am I getting so worked up over a guy?”

“Because he’s funny, cute, talented, and rich, bitch.”

You give Laura a look and she laughs,

“Okay, money, fame, and any prior knowledge I have aside, he seems like a great dude. And if he’s not, well, my dreams will be absolutely crushed.” She shrugs, going back to scrolling through Instagram.

“Oh, wow, thanks.” You roll your eyes, standing up. “I’m gonna make some tea, you want any?”

“I’m good, thanks though.”

You nod and shut her door behind you, going into the kitchen to turn the kettle on.

Hopping up on the counter while you wait, you decide to do a little bit of Instagram stalking, just to see what he posts.

You click on his most recent one, smiling at his caption.

“Kissy,” you mutter, shaking your head lightly.

Scrolling through a few more of his photos, you bite your lip at his outfits, incredibly jealous of his stylist. His feed is better than yours, if you’re being honest, and you smile at the thought of him making sure all the black bars line up.

Hearing the whistle of the kettle, you hop off the counter and pour yourself a cup of chamomile. Closing out the app, you take your mug into your room, turning on your lights that make your room look like you’re floating in the galaxy.

Placing it on your nightstand, you get yourself ready for bed, spending a little extra time washing your face and doing your skin care routine.

You slide into bed and open up your latest book find of the week, this one being Misery by Steven King.

You find your eyes drooping after a while and set your things on your nightstand, snuggling deeper into your blankets.

With a smile on your face, you drift off to sleep, excited for tomorrow.

[triptychexe]

TRIPTYCH. DARE. SECOND ALBUM. 7/31/19.

TRACK DESCRIPTIONS TYPED OUT BELOW.

INTRO: BRAVERY:

A purely instrumental/ambient track that was produced and composed by One, Teo, and Van.

"DARE is an album that feels close to getting punched in the gut… Some things that are discussed in this album are not topics that your average idol group sings about. This intro is your airbag.”- ONE

"DARE is no joke. The introduction track is supposed to give you just a taste of what’s to come. We took elements from stand-out tracks like DARE, RED RUM, and THE INVITATION and made it into one short and sweet sample.”- TEO

“Our group has always gotten criticisms. A lot of people dislike that we are very… open about who we are and what we believe in. Not many idols are as outspoken as we are, which is fine, of course. But we want to inspire people with our music to stand up against injustices and wrongs that we see. They need bravery, and we’re more than happy to give them that.”- VAN

DARE:

The title track is the second ever song in Triptych’s discography to feature all 18 members. The song calls out the injustices in society (including unfair police treatment, prejudice against the LGBT, sexual assault cases, to name a few). The track was written by members Nia, Asa, Cal, Teo, and Eli. It was produced and composed by One, Sun, Van, and Sol.

“We feel like people will gossip about something serious for a few days and then forget about it once it’s lost its shock value. This track, in my eyes, is supposed to help people realize that in order to see change, we need to take charge. And that’s what we want to do. This song is a risky move… We could tarnish our reputation with this song. But is it worth it if it gets people talking? I think so.”- NIA

“This is the most politically driven song we have ever made. We’ve talked about gender roles, we’ve talked about general societal standards… but I don’t think we’ve ever been this blunt before. It’s sure to give the older generations a bit of a shock. I can’t wait to see the reaction.”- CAL

“[DARE is] going to be a game changer, I think. I don’t know how to word this correctly without sounding too boastful, but I think our music usually makes an impact in the K-Pop community one way or another. However, I don’t think anyone will ever take an idol group seriously. We hope to change that with this song and other songs on this album.”- ELI

WE ARE:

Featuring all 18 members, this song was written by members Ame, Teo, Fin, Van, Jin, and Eli. With EDM and pop influences, this track explores what it means to truly put aside your pride and be who you want to be.

“There’s a lot of pressure these days to fit in, especially with things like social media being a huge part in people’s lives. I think that people just need to be reminded that at the end of the day, fitting in isn’t all that matters. Being popular isn’t going to make you happy down the line, wearing designer clothing will only make you happy as long as it fits you. Fitting a mold shouldn’t be what people strive for. Fitting into yourself is what truly matters.”- AME

“When I wrote this, I not only had our younger and teenage Artychs in mind, but I also thought a lot about our own maknaes.Our youngest member is currently nineteen, and even though that’s not a child, they still are constantly feeling pressure to conform to what an idol should be. They haven’t been in the game as long as us, so I think some of the lyrics are for our maknae line to learn from.”- JIN

“I’ve always struggled with trying to be someone else that other people liked. If there’s one thing that plagued my teenage years, it was the fear of judgment. I’ve slowly grown out of this fear, but I’d be lying if I said I still care about what others think to some degree. I think writing this song really helped me focus on goals that I want to reach for self-improvement. I hope that fans also can reach these goals with me.”- FIN

RED RUM:

RED RUM, inspired heavily by Triptych’s seniors and lablemates, Vice, has a creepy and horror-like sound. Written by Teo, Jin, Sol, and Hyo with special help on producing from Vice’s Cyth. Features all 18 members.

“RED RUM is an interesting track. It’s a direction none of our subunits has explored, so it was fun to mess around with a darker sound. We got a lot of help from Cyth. He was really interesting to work with and really added a new twist. As far as the lyrics go, this song is about perception. Perception of people, situations, industries… Nothing is ever as it seems.”- SOL

“We know way too many people who have been screwed over in this industry. Including us, of course. No one’s safe from being used when you’re an idol. I guess this was sort of a reflection on all the things we have gone through to be where we are today. A lot of people look at an idols life and think it’s a dream. I beg to differ. Never trust a smile in a suit.”- YEN

“Unfortunately, by expressing how badly you want your dreams, you’re making yourself vulnerable to companies and agencies that want to sign you. Once they have your desperation, they can manipulate you. Everyone knows ‘red rum’ backwards is ‘murder’. We get asked for advice from fans who want to be idols pretty frequently. Even though to their face I tell them to never give up, I wish I had told them to read between the lines.”- HYO

VISION:

Boasting all 18 members, this track gives a much more hopeful and upbeat message than previous songs. Written by members Teo, Fin, Yen, Asa, and Zim, this song almost counters the previous track “RED RUM” by reminding listeners that things always get better.

“Life isn’t just filled with bad stuff. I think VISION is very relevant for this album, even though it is different from the first four tracks. At the end of dark tunnels, there is always light. I hope that VISION can guide our Artychs through their own dark tunnels.”- FIN

“I think we contradict ourselves a little bit with this track, but that’s human nature. All of the songs leading up to this one have been very serious and filled with some dark stuff. We needed a song that would pull everyone out of that emo funk, and I think this song delivers.”- ZIM

“VISION is that feel-good song that should just be played on a loop all summer long. I think it’s that song that you listen to on the way back from a rough day at work or an unpleasant outing and you’re like… Wow, Triptych is right. Life gets better.”- ASA

SELFISH:

Written and composed by members Yen, Asa, Jin, Teo, Nia, Sun, and Sol, SELFISH is a song about wanting a significant other all to yourself without other people being involved in your relationship. Boasting 18 members, this track holds special meaning to the members of Triptych who have come forward about their personal relationships.

“Relationships of mine have always been up for speculation. Ever since I debuted to now. I guess I wrote this song thinking about all the things I’d like to say to my significant others when we’re not in the spotlight.”- NIA

“Being as polite as possible, I think the typical fan sometimes forgets that we, idols, are humans too. And I’m not saying they’re bad people for forgetting so-- it’s our job for our fans to feel very close to us! We do have a very tight bond to our fanbase, which is something I’m forever thankful for, but I think SELFISH is a nice way to draw the line in the sand."- SUN

“Idols date all the time, it's just rarely ever show to the public. Having to share every aspect of your life to people can be exhausting. Sometimes we wish that our personal relationships were kept personal. There's actually nothing 'selfish' about that."- DAY

THE INVITATION:

For the seventh track, the supergroup takes a more sensual and slow take with their song THE INVITATION. Written by members Van, Sol, Teo, Ame, and Jin.

“The song is supposed to be a little intimate and slow. The ‘invitation’ is a peek into our minds and our personal lives, something that we give to fans on a daily basis. THE INVITATION talks about how open we are. Being an idol has really taught me how to let certain people in and how to keep others out. As a group, we put out very raw and real stuff. We just wanted to express how intimate that truly feels through song.”- KIT

“If it feels like we’re… Uh… getting it on…While listening to the song, that’s the goal. Everything we put out, we trust our fans to react to it and support it. They literally carry our careers in their hands. They know they’re powerful, just watch them on Twitter, but they also have all our trust, which I think is more powerful than trending a hashtag world wide.”- DAY

"We hope that what fans take away from this song is that we share a deeply intimate relationship, even though we may not know each other. Like the song itself, the concept of this relationship should be slightly unsettling. However, our relationship goes both ways. You share intimate things with us and we share intimate things with you." - VAN

WONDER OF IT ALL:

Even though the group itself has been in motion since 2015, the support and love they receive around the world still baffles them to this day. On the eighth track and the final OT18 song on the album, Triptych dedicates this song to all the Artychs that have supported them. Each member has given a hand in either producing, writing, or composing this track.

“This song is probably the most personal and sentimental song I have ever helped write. I’m not the best with my words or emotions, so trying to tell Artychs how I feel about their continuous support was really hard, especially when they never fail to leave me speechless. They have helped us do what we love to do as a living and they allow us to be ourselves while doing so. That’s something I will forever be grateful for.”- HYO

“I think it’s really beautiful just how strong music can be. A good chunk of our fans don’t even speak Korean, yet they learn all the words to our songs and practice the dance routines. Music and the love for music brings us together on a colossal, global scale. We may come from different backgrounds and walks of life, but I hope that when Artychs listen to this song, they feel like they are connected to us somehow.”- AME

“Out of all the songs I’ve written, I love writing about our fans the most. It’s like documenting a great love story. I’m not saying that our fans have romantic relations with us by any means, but the way we love each other - platonically and supportively - is so strong and so powerful. It’s a kind of love that I will never find anywhere else in the world, yet I feel it all around the world when I tour. It truly is wonderful.”- TEO

S.O.S:

Y3LLOW brings back a classic hip hop vibe with S.O.S, a track that tells the story of someone falling deeply in love with someone, but is unsure if the feeling is reciprocated. Written, composed, and produced by Y3LLOW subunit members Zim, Eli, Van, Ame, One, Sol.

“I think our discography needed a break from being so down and in the dumps. As a group I feel like love songs aren’t really our forte, but they’re equally as relevant and as relatable as our more serious songs. We shouldn’t have to just sing about the bad stuff to be recognized as a ‘good artist’. We should be allowed to sing about whatever we’re going through and that should be enough.”- ELI

“I feel like we’ve all been in this situation before where we like someone so much it feels like we’re drowning. I think when writing S.O.S I reflected on feelings that I’ve had in the past. Crushing on people hurts. That’s why it’s called ‘crushing’."- AME

“This song kinda hits a little hard, I’m gonna be honest. It’s relatable in the saddest way possible. Why is it that the people you love hurt you so much? And most of the time without even knowing it? What the hell? How is this a thing that humans feel?”- ONE

MIDNIGHT:

Subunit R3D enters the album with a slow EDM and pop style jam that has hints of romance. Written and composed by R3D subunit members Nia, Teo, Ura, Jin, Kit, and Sol.

“MIDNIGHT is supposed to give you those butterflies you feel when you’re young and in love. The song itself literally speaks of sneaking out your window at midnight to meet someone you love. If you want to look at it on a deeper level, I personally like to think of it as a love song between oneself and escaping your old self to meet a new version of you. If you don’t want to take deeper looks, don’t feel pressured to, though. Love songs just aren’t my thing.”- URA

"This track is very vocal-heavy, much like our other subunit track. I think R3Ds role in the group is to bring attention to our vocalists. It's nice to have songs with little to no rap in them from time to time."- JIN

“I mean, who doesn’t dream of sneaking off with someone in the middle of the night? I’ve yet to meet someone that makes me feel this way, but I wrote how I want to feel when I meet the right person. If they don’t make you feel how MIDNIGHT makes you feel, they’re not the one for you!”- KIT

EYES ON ME:

Returning with a hyped up tropical beat, subunit BLU3 makes a splash with their song “EYES ON ME”. Written, composed, and produced by BLU3 subunit members Yen, Asa, Cal, Hyo, Sun, and Fin.

“EYES ON ME is that summer bop that will just be blasting from your car radio all summer long. It’s just a fun song about just basically just showing up to the club with all your friends and being like ‘we run this biss’. I think it’s the ultimate turn up song.” - HYO

"Look, we saw your tweets, Artychs. We know it’s hot girl summer. So trust me when I say that this is the ultimate hot girl summer anthem. I hope listeners get an instant confidence boost when they hear this song. I personally think it’s a total banger.”- SUN

“I think BLU3 has some of the funniest and most lively members out of Triptych. I think our role in Triptych is to bring songs that give people those good vibes and I think we delivered. Our personalities really shine through in this song. This couldn’t have been a better fit with our subunit.”- YEN

OUTRO: SOMETHING:

To finish the album, another instrumental and ambient track is played. The sound may be confusing to fans at the first listen, as it seems to be playing samples of old Triptych songs in the background.

“OUTRO: SOMETHING isn’t supposed to be an easy listen. It’s supposed to kinda throw you off and make you think ‘What is this’? The point of the track is to have you anticipating what’s to come.”- SOL

“A third generation of Triptych has been rumored for a long time and I know Artychs are curious about the outro and if it has any relation to Gen 3. I can confirm that this outro is not about new members joining us. However, we have plans already to try out some new things musically. We hope that fans will receive these new changes well. Anticipate.”- NIA

“Artychs know to expect the unexpected with our group. We are always try out new things, testing new waters, stuff like that. I think OUTRO: SOMETHING reminds both Triptych and Artychs that there's always room for exploration." - ELI

[hockeylvr59]

Second Chances pt 3 || Jake Guentzel

Requested: [ ] yes [x] no

Authors Note: Here’s the final part I had previously written for this series. I’d really love some feedback and ideas about things to do moving forward.

Edit: 4/3/21 - I decided to switch this back to having an OC instead of being a reader imagine.

Summary:

Looking back on the past four years of her life, they were anything but what Whitney Reynolds had expected. When she’d moved from Minnesota to Virginia for college, she’d had four years of hard work but lots of parties and other fun experiences on her mind. She’d gotten the hard work but she’d also gotten an unexpected pregnancy and being the single mother to a gorgeous little girl as well.

Now just over four years after she’d last seen him, Whitney was standing mere feet away from the boy who had not only been her best friend but also her first love. He also happened to be the father of her daughter, a daughter he didn’t know existed.

Warnings: None.   ||    Word Count: 1,882

~~~~~

When Jake had dropped her off at her car the night she told him about Olivia, the two parted ways but not before exchanging current cell phone numbers as well as another tender kiss. Whitney knew that she probably shouldn’t have kissed him, but four years worth of desire made it hard to resist.  For the next three days, Whitney’s head was buried in her phone as she spent every free moment Jake had talking or texting. He peppered her with questions about her pregnancy and their daughter and in turn, she asked him to share his own life for the duration of their separation. Very quickly Jake had made it very clear that he wasn’t going to let his family know that he knew about Olivia, he wanted to establish a relationship with his daughter before subjecting himself to the opinions of his family, specifically his mother.

Although the last thing Whitney wanted was to drive a wedge between Jake and his family, she was relieved to know that she had Jake to herself for a while and that he would get to know his daughter without any outside feedback. When he’d asked to meet Olivia the night of the Penguins’ home game against the Predators, Whitney had insisted that he take the time to really think about whether he wanted to be a part of their lives, because he couldn’t just change his mind down the road if it all became too much. She had to protect her baby girl and while she knew that Jake would never intentionally hurt her, she’d read about his playboy ways and wanted to make sure that he was certain about taking the steps to grow up and be a father. In Jake’s mind, there was no other option. He’d gone four years without knowing his daughter and that was four years too long. He knew that he probably wasn’t ready to be a father but he’d be damned if he didn’t at least give it his all. Looking down at the pictures of Olivia that Whitney had sent him he couldn’t help but pick out each feature that was his own as opposed to those that she’d gotten from her mother. He’d heard all about her likes and dislikes from Whitney but he really did want to meet her himself, to teach her to skate like all the other guys did with their kids and just make the most of the fact that he had a second chance to be in her life. Sitting in his locker after the Penguins’ first win of the season against the Predators Jake couldn’t help but want to celebrate. His birthday had been yesterday and he’d scored his first goal of the season. A few of the guys were going out and they’d asked if he wanted to join but the only person he wanted to see right now was Whitney. Quickly showering and changing, Jake snuck out of the arena and once he was in his car he dialed her number sitting back against the seat as he listened to it ring. Across town, Whitney had just gotten a very hyper and very sugared up Olivia to bed when she heard her phone buzzing from the side table next to the couch. They’d watched the Pens game tonight once she had finished her articles on the Pitt Football game and she couldn’t help but cheer a little louder than normal when Jake scored his first goal of the season. Thinking back to his games in high school compared to now, Whitney was so proud of how far he’d come.

Racing toward the couch to catch the call before it went to voicemail, she couldn’t help the grin and blush that appeared on her face when she saw his name. “Well hello, there Mr. Guentzel.” She teased. “That was one hell of a rebound goal.” Hearing that she had watched caused Jake’s ears to turn red and he chuckled lowly before speaking. “So..I thought about what you said like you asked me to. But I want to be a father to our daughter….and well I want to see where things stand with us too. I know it won’t be easy but if you think I could turn my back on either of you now, you’re wrong.” If Jake could see her, he’d see the tears that had pooled in her eyes and were steadily flowing down her cheeks as he continued to insist that he was just as in this as she’d been for the past four years. “Okay…” She whispered, flopping onto the couch, thankful that Stephanie had decided to make the most of her free Saturday night by going out. Whitney loved her roommate but she really didn’t want to share Jake just yet, not when they were still figuring things out. “Does that mean I can come over? I think you owe me a birthday dessert.” Giggling softly Whitney couldn’t help but think of all the previous birthdays they’d shared and how no matter what they’d always made each other dessert. For her birthdays it was usually instant pudding or something equally as foolproof like slice and bake cookies but he’d always tried and she adored him for that. “I suppose you could come over for a little while, I just got Miss Olivia to bed though so we’ll have to be quiet. Stephanie gave her way too much sugar while I was watching the Pitt game and writing my articles.” She’d told Jake all about your roommate and her relationship with their daughter so he could certainly imagine her getting the little girl all worked up only to leave her with her mother to deal with. Sensing he was going to be caught by his teammates if he didn’t leave the garage, Jake got her address and then pulled out of the PPG Paints parking lot. When he arrived, he was thankful that their apartment was in a decent part of town and after getting buzzed up, he headed inside and climbed the three flights of stairs to apartment 4C. As soon as she opened the door, Whitney was engulfed in strong arms and a cologne that was certainly far better than what he’d been using in high school. “Hi..” She murmured, stepping backward when he kissed her once again, their bodies serving as magnets to each other. Once the lock on the door was flipped, Whitney pushed Jake away gently, motioning for him to move to the couch. After a quick stop to the kitchen, she joined him with two beers tucked under her arm, his birthday present in one hand while a container of chocolate chip cookies was balanced in the other. “Here’s your birthday dessert courtesy of our daughter and her insistence that chocolate chip cookies were the perfect birthday treat.” She declared gently setting the present down on the coffee table before handing him the container of cookies as well as one of the two beers. Before she could move to sit next to him on the couch, Jake was tugging her onto his lap and though Whitney let out a squeak of protest she quickly snuggled closer after opening her own beer. The way his thumb was brushing over her thighs as he opened the container of cookies made her sigh softly and she mentally scolded herself that they needed to take things slow. “Were these really made for me?” Jake asked softly to which Whitney nodded. “Every year I made you a birthday treat. This year Olivia insisted that whoever mommy was baking for would want chocolate chip cookies.” Jake felt his pulse jump knowing that even when they were apart she’d always done something for his birthday and Whitney felt him bury his nose in her neck for a minute as he basked in just how lucky he was to have his best friend back and for her to be the one he was bonded to for life through a child. “You are something else…” He murmured before taking a sip of his beer his nod of approval signaling that she had good taste there as well. After a few sips, she felt him yawn as the energy of the day started to leave him. “Don’t fall asleep before you open your present…” Whitney insisted, quickly sitting up to grab the wrapped box that evidently he’d overlooked. Handing it to Jake she struggled to not bounce in the excitement and anticipation of him opening it. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” He insisted, though he still tore through the paper at her insistence. On top was a card of course, and when he opened it he smiled, inside was a photo of his girls in his jersey and he was pretty sure that he’d never seen anything better. “I figured that when you were ready for people to know about us you could put it in your locker.” She murmured in explanation. “It’s perfect.” He assured her, pecking her lips quickly before opening the actual box. On top was a watch she thought he’d like since she’d noticed he wasn’t wearing one opening night. Under that was simply a photo album that she’d put together starting from when she had first settled into her pregnancy up to just a few days ago. Watching him flip through it she smiled thinking back to all of the memories but there was also a tinge of sadness that he had missed all of these things. Whitney knew that things probably wouldn’t have worked out between them four years ago, they certainly wouldn’t be where they are now so the time apart was a blessing in a way but at the same time it had been a hard four years being on her own and now that he was back in their lives she wasn’t sure just how to deal with it yet.  “This is the best birthday I’ve had in a while.” He stated, finishing off his beer and a cookie before setting everything aside and moving to lift Whitney into his arms bridal style. “Which way to the bedroom?” He questioned and caught up in the look on his face she could only point as she fought back a giggle against his chest. Once he’d set her down he quickly stripped to his boxers and Whitney tried not to stare as she moved to unmake the bed and get comfortable. Slipping out into the hall while he used her bathroom, Whitney peeked in on Olivia finding her sound asleep and then moved back to bed, flipping lights off as she went. Back in her room, Jake was leaning against the headboard and sliding in next to him Whitney snuggled back into his side. Feeling his fingers tangle in her hair as he whispered about how much he missed her, missed moments like this, Whitney was instantly lulled to sleep, faster than she could remember any other time in the past four years. When Jake realized that she was out, he simply placed a kiss on her temple, whispered that he loves her and settled down to sleep himself. Tomorrow he’d meet his daughter and while he was nervous, he knew that he was definitely ready.

[fanthem]

Classic Rock Magazine interview with Cardinal Copia, translated below the cut:

Before the album will be released in June you’re already on tour, and you constantly have these interview marathons. How does that affect your current mood?

Well, it’s a bit like running. Just because you love to run, it doesn’t mean it’s good for your knees. (laughs)

Are you athletic?

Not really. But with progressing age and because I should be ready for a two hour stage show in two months, for 200 shows, I have to get fit.

But that is probably already second nature to you…

Yes, but your body needs a certain degree of maintenance. No matter how young you feel, it’s more extreme every year. When you’re on tour, you’re somehow always doing sports. In the end your stage clothes won’t fit right anymore, are far too wide, and when you get your new outfits before the next tour, everything is suddenly super tight. (laughs) I have considerable fluctuation in my sizing, and those fluctuations get bigger with age.

Do you notice that things get harder the older you get? Not that I’m calling you old.

Well, I’m 37. That’s not old, but I’m not 19 anymore, either. Of course there’s a difference. But I still have the feeling I haven’t reached the top.

There’s still room upwards, the zenith hasn’t been reached yet? 

I think so. Considering that I’m not athletic, I believe there’s still more I can get out of myself. I take better care of myself now than I used to, I stopped smoking six years ago and that improved a lot of things. So there’s a lot of potential upwards: if I start eating vitamins now, maybe it’ll be even a little better.

So you’re not doing that at the moment?

(laughs) Well, it’s hard to pull myself together when I’m not on tour. As soon as I’m touring I work better. I have more routine.

That’s unexpected: a lot of artists complain about the lack of routine while on tour.

No, that’s how I feel when I get home. Then I lose all control. But as all artists I’m a little bit spoiled. (whispers from behind his hand) Okay, actually I’m very spoiled. (laughs) I get a lot of help. Especially on tour, when there’s people all the time that are there for you. Sometimes when I travel alone I get confused: Wait, I have to check in myself? Uhm, can somebody please come and handle this situation for me? (laughs) But I like travelling alone, so I have to do things myself again. Everyone reading this probably thinks this sounds incredibly dumb. But most people are creatures of habit, and you get used quickly to certain circumstances. And when you get so pampered, it’s just weird when you get home and have to cook for the first time in eight weeks…

And even have to get the groceries yourself beforehand.

Oh, exactly! Just getting this chain of thoughts right. Of course that actually just takes a second, but you lack the routine. I like to say we resemble dogs or other animals a lot. We’re conditioned and we condition ourselves. There are of course ways to condition bad behavior or laziness away.

But because you reflect on these things, maybe you’re not that heteronomous.

Well, I’m at least aware of some things. That’s what I have to be if I don’t want to become a complete asshole. (laughs)

So the tour starts in May…

Exactly, in Riverside, California. We’re going to play some warm up concerts, even if I actually don’t want to call them that. But it’s about perfecting the show, to flesh out the finesse. The tour also starts before the album. That means we’ll be playing a lot of songs people haven’t heard before. That could get a little weird.

I’ve listened to PREQUELLE already and I’m sure that the devoted Ghost fanbase is hungry for new material, and that a few of the new songs have great earworm potential. There’s nothing that could go wrong, right?

I hope so. But there’s no guarantee. I’m currently at a point, where I’m a little bit afraid of the start. On one hand I long to be back on stage, and I especially miss the fans, the connection to them. On the other hand there’s going to be a lot of innovations, even practical in nature. And again I’m a creature of habit, and I don’t like trying new things.

But you seem to enjoy the mental creation of something new…

Yes, I love it. I love having ideas, but when it comes to execution, it always feels weird at first. There’s a lot of pressure and usually the joy of creating is long gone by the time of the performance. I prefer the point of time when after 80 shows things run smoothly. Then I can enjoy everything, when I know everything is running in sync.

Is that a regular ailment in your line of work, or is there a bigger uncertainty behind it?

Both, I think. I believe that for most artists, whether rock musician or painter, creativity grows from uncertainty. Just look at those rock bands: most of those guys weren’t the cool kids at school.

Not really. Rock’n’roll is usually a way to become cool anyway…

Exactly. It’s a paradox: Once your career is going, there’s risk of losing it. While the things that started your career were based on the fact that you didn’t have anything to lose. It’s something that you realize more and more the further you get. Probably a question of age, too. At some point you just know it better and don’t throw yourself off any cliffs. Even though you’re bound to jump from cliff to cliff in this kind of job, even if there’s a black pit between.

Do you feel under pressure after Meliora’s great success?

Yes, but it wasn’t a paralyzing fear. Rather I was aware that I had to stay focused, and that a lot depended on the album becoming, well, right. I don’t actually want to say “right” because you can’t really determine what’s wrong or right. Especially when you create, there are different things you can do right. You still have to get it right to create a feeling that can move the organism forward. It’s like a relationship, it’s not enough to say “We’re going to have a child now, then everything is going to be fine.” There’s just more to it, and you need the feeling of moving forward, not sideways or even backwards. Every time you have the unknown before you, which is tempting and intimidating at once. Because you don’t know what you did before. You created something that opened up a great scope of new opportunities. So you can’t make the same decision again, because you already went through that door. It’s like a game, you can’t just walk backwards, except maybe if you hack it. But that’s usually not how it works.

So there’s no magic formula that you can keep using?

Not really. I learned that a lot of the things and circumstances that lead me to this album this past year - most of it actually rather uncomfortable - were necessary to make the album what it is now. And maybe the entire band-brand-career had to be doused with a bit of classic rock scandal, so it was able to develop further. Otherwise it might have become redundant on the long run, along the lines of: we got a new papa again. Oh, I’m still anonymous. How great!

Okay, now that you’re mentioning the topic yourself: when you revealed your identity officially last year, how necessary did that feel? Was it just a part of marketing, or did you think “well, it’s out anyway”?

Yes, mostly that. I just thought, now that the elephant is in the room and glows so brightly it’s hard to not give any commentary. I wouldn’t say I felt forced. I was in the studio, recording the new album. I didn’t plan it. But would you have asked me that a few years ago, I wouldn’t have approached it like this, even though I always knew I wouldn’t stay unrecognized forever. Not that I felt very anonymous. I always felt more like I was playing in a masked band, not an anonymous one. There’s a difference. The focus of Ghost’s fans wasn’t on me personally. They didn’t care what kind of shoes I wore off stage. All in all the people didn’t give a shit. But I was of the opinion that I would have to do it sooner or later, and I had the feeling that now it was time.

What has changed for you and your fans since then? Because I think there were a bunch who were very eager to get the official confirmation of who’s behind the mask. There have always been rumors, something that surely was intentional, i assume? The creation of a myth?

Actually the original intention behind it was more pure. That might sound set-up now with my commercial band that has to meet certain commercial standards. It obviously sounds like a marketing recipe, but the original spark behind this idea had a highly artistic claim and was based on the wish to play theater. It turned out the anonymity was a great advertising tool. A tool that I had to restructure in the last year. But it worked out, and one of the things that distinguish Ghost the most from most other bands today, was that we didn’t smear our personality all over the place. Well, aside from all this damned court bullshit! But now it’s on me to chose the context I want to present Ghost in, and to what extend I want to smear my personality into your faces.

And what did you chose?

What I won’t do is do everything. I’ll still insist that magazines only print pictures with the masks, because that’s the interesting part about Ghost. I sit here in front of you as the director of the show in which I play a role at the same time. But all in all, when you look at my job description, performing is only a tiny part of that. I have to take care of a lot of things. I mean I used to be that little tyke who just wanted to be in a band, and in my 30s I was suddenly catapulted into this situation here: I became the initiator of the band, the singer, even though I only wanted to play guitar, I’m a boss, an employer and I have responsibilities towards so many instances. That’s not something I had ever thought of back when I practised Pink Floyd songs in my room. And… ah fuck now I lost my thread. Well, let’s look at it from a practical point of view: Just because I did that radio show and because I’m talking to you unmasked now, there’s no difference except that there’s Tobias Forge sitting here now. But I’m still talking about the same things as before. You know, I’m not going to get a facebook profile or IG because of this and start posting constantly.

So everything at Ghost stays the same in the sense of: this won’t change the concept?

Ghost won’t change, but the myth around it will.

So you won’t walk onto stage, arms stretched wide, remove your makeup and shout “It’s me! Your messiah!”

Exactly that won’t happen. I’m just director. Right now I’m commenting like a producer would for a movie.

Besides your vocal performance you’re also very entertaining. You make people laugh. When did you discover those qualities?

Hm. I know I’ve always wanted to do this, but there’s no fixed point in time when I suddenly noticed that I’m capable of that. I thin my first performance was in kindergarten. My friends and me always dressed up and acted out playback to music. On brooms. (laughs) The first time I performed in front of people I was seven. It was the birthday party of a friend and her mother had a yellow [Guitar] that looked exactly like the guitar of Keith Richards. I was a big  fan of the Stones and asked if I could play. And her mother was surprised, but she put up an amplifier and I played for her. Then she said I should play in front of the other kids, and I remember there was a little disco set up in the kid’s room, you know, with lights and music. And I regaled them with Love in Vain by the stones. It was basically my first show. But just this one song, and then it was over again… And then of course I destroyed the guitar. (Attention, Irony!)

A classic “The Who”! I’m sure the mother was very hooked by you.

Oh yes! (laughs)

There’s one thing that I really want to know: last year after your concert in Munich I wrote a report for this magazine and noted, that there’s quite the sexual atmosphere are your show. My male colleagues thought me crazy. Are you aware of how the practise of disguise and these occult vibes that play with the aesthetic of dark rites and masses makes the air quiver?

I would have to be blind and autistic to not notice this magic. I think that especially in rock’n’roll it’s important to have a certain tension. Let it put me like this: I used to be pretty naive and never really thought about a potential of this kind of masked people on stage. Because at first I thought we would mostly appeal to guys....

You were wrong!

Yes, I really was. And that’s something that really hit me on our first tour through america. That was the first time we played our own shows for our own fans. It was a completely different dynamic than as support slot. And back then I thought: Wow, fuck! And then I truly realized the shows have an aphrodisiac effect on people. (laughs) Which is interesting, because even from stage I saw people who were really going for it and were doing things that you don’t see every day. And often I didn’t actually know whether they had sex or not. (laughs) It’s of course a flattering thought that my work can cause such processes that affect people even long after the concert. If it brings something in motion, it’s amazing. So to answer your question: Yes, I understand it. And I’m not surprised that there’s different perceptions between genders, and that women might feel the sexual aura more than men.

And connected to that the aesthetical concept probably plays a big role as well. The occult symbolism maybe only affects certain people… like me for example.

Yes, and the concept of attraction can be so multifaceted. Have you ever watched Pippi Longstockings? Can you remember the characters? 

Well, all the animals, and Annika and Tommy…

Do you remember Aunt Pryssellius? The lady from the children’s home. My entire life I’ve only ever seen her as old toad. And now that I have children my wife and I showed them all those old series, partially because now we finally have an excuse to watch them again. (laughs) And then I noticed that her role here is suddenly really hot. Maybe I should google this, not that I’m confusing things. (searches through his phone) Well, up until this point I had never seen it that way, because I had always been convinced she’s this 70 year old bitch. But recently I thought: Oh lala, my god! (laughs)

Perspectives change! (laughs)

Absolutely. And I think it’s the same with a guy who probably doesn’t even notices what happens during a ghost show, and maybe the next time he suddenly realizes. Oh look, now I found them. The actress’s name is Margot Trooger, take a look at her! (show picture on his phone)

A beautiful woman.

Yes, really. Well, I’m glad you like the show. We’re going to have three women in the band now, maybe with that it’s going to be more exciting for the male audience.

All in all it will be nine musicians, right? Will the women wear the same ghoul outfits?

Yes exactly, all in all we will be nine people, and yes, the clothes will definitely be similar. We just need more people to be able to play what you can hear on the album live, too.

Will you bring a saxophonist?

Yes.

That brings me to the new album and the song “Miasma”. When I listened to the instrumental in the middle of Prequelle for the first time, I was astounded and very quickly delighted. This “saber rider” like sound with the poppy 80s drums and synths, and the saxophone at the end. Tell me something about the creation of this piece.

We have  already recorded instrumentals, like for example genesis on our debut. That was still a whole song, whereas on Infestissumam and Meliora we abandoned that a little bit. I think when me and Klaus - the producer - compiled the album we wussed out on the instrumentals a little.

And now you’re back with Miasma, and the second one Helvetesfonster?

Yes, that’s how it feels. I mean we had short pieces before like Devil’s Church, all of them small discreet numbers. Helvetesfonster for example was done way before Miasma, before even Meliora. But while we were working on this album I told Klaus: “I have a futuristic and a plague album, which one do you want to make?” And he decided on the futuristic one. So Helvetesfonster didn’t make it onto Meliora and I had to get it onto Prequelle at all costs. So it easily falls out of context. And during the recording of Helvetesfonster I had the idea for Miasma and i thought: Oh, fuck it. We made way too few instrumentals, we should just jam this at the wall and see what happens. Along the lines of: Let’s not play it save and just see where it takes us. On the other hand we had these two tracks ready and I had this urgent need for another song to complement and in a way justify them. This is how Dance Macabre was created, because the album needed a danceable break. Miasma ends on the A side and you turn the LP and the B side starts with Dance. It’s about dynamics, that’s direly needed. Everytime I write I work like this. If there’s a lot of salt somewhere, you have to sprinkle some sugar in places, to balance it out.

Why did you pick a french sounding title for this album, instead of sticking to latin and italian?

It just sounds better. PREQUELLE instead of prequel. That’s it.

Okay. We got more of a medieval setting here. It’s about death and damnation, there’s songs about the plague, rats as carriers of disease, stuff like that. I think that despite this archaic core Prequelle delivers versatile opportunities of a modern interpretation. Am I on the right track?

It’s very loosely draped around the middle ages. To show how things were and are now, and to draw a line in between. But I also think there’s contemporary relevance inside the lyrics that have no connection to history lessons. It’s actually about now, but for aesthetic reasons and to show how things repeat, the medieval theme fits very well. Everything is somehow cyclic, not much has changed. I think we devolved a little. Nowadays people dismiss the middle ages as mob mentality, see it as something uncivilized, but there’s no big difference to the habits people exhibit online. It’s very similar: Somebody cries “Witch!” real loud and everyone joins in immediately. On the whole, the album should put the listener into the center of change and riot. And should, in a way, give social commentary that questions the health of our society. I think we live in times where in many places there’s an eminent threat of destruction and damnation present.

Do you see yourself as an intellectual?

Had I put my priorities differently, I probably would had assets to become wiser than I am today. But I never read as much as I wanted to, and I don’t know a lot. Or rather I know a lot, but not everything. (laughs)

Nobody does…

I just think maybe I have a gift for a certain kind of knowledge and wisdom.

And you are in a situation where people hear what you have to say.

Yes, that’s true. And this realization follows another one: At the end of the day I’m perfectly content not to be a professor or politician. I’m an artist. And my mission is to entertain people. Obviously you work with everything you have and see. So I value it a lot that, in front of the vast background of rock’n’roll and its usually more dumb bands, Ghost presents itself a little more intellectual. But in the end it’s all about entertainment.

Before I came here I received this list of dos and don’ts…

Aha!

With notes that explain what I should say and what I shouldn’t. I couldn’t exactly tell how serious or ironical that was meant to be.

Don’t forget, that came from the label.

So personally you don’t find that necessary?

Well, since I’m currently in a trial, there’s obviously some things I am not allowed to nor want to talk about. But if you had asked me, I would have just answered with “no comment”.

So you wouldn’t have kicked me out if I had asked for the connection between the concept of Ghost and Kiss. I just spotted a Love Gun button on your jacket….

No, of course not. And Love Gun was the first album I ever bought. I love this album.

For conclusion: What’s a question that you would like to be asked in an interview?

I wish I had a cool answer for this ready. (laughs) But I keep digging up all this information about me, and from a more casual point of view it would be more fun for the both of us if you asked me questions about other bands, because I would be able to answer those. Or not. (laughs) Just because I like the thought of participating in a quiz on band trivia.

I promise I’ll prepare one the next time we meet!

(laughs) That would be amazing, thank you.

[source]

[keevansixx]

Nowhere...

  Yesterday, I died. It just happened, no rhyme, no reason, the vessel that housed me stopped working. This mortal coil shed, like a serpent leaving behind a dried out skin snagged on a twig in an old forest. I feel nothing, no cold, no pain, no hunger nor thirst....I am, yet I am not...

What they don't tell you anything about dying in books, religious dogmas, and human mythology, is that there is no time in death...well, there is a sort of sense of time, but there is no way to measure it, quantify it, give it a steady pace to determine a forward progression the living rely on so much. If I concentrate hard enough I could watch myself die, very slowly, repeatedly over a long span, or just that brief spark when I stopped breathing, and everything grew still around me in the dimension of the living.

 I spend a span of moments doing this....traveling forwards and backwards along a strand of time, visiting small snippets of my former life. All the happy moments, pausing for some span at the faces and places I had long forgot. I see my mother, young, happy, pregnant with what was me, sitting in a chair and humming softly at her belly...her hand tracing lazy circles around the little footprints I was pressing into the sides of her womb while she whispered her dreams of whom she hoped I would become. I see my father, young, in fatigues fighting a useless war in a foreign land, joking with his buddies about the girls back home, while he stares at a laminated photo of me my mother mailed to him...I see him kiss the picture, then say "my son..." as he holds it to his chest. I see my grandfather's smile the first time he held my infant form cradled in his arms. I travel to and fro, seeing all that had transpired in my life, and all the little things I missed as I lived. If it were even possible to cry in the afterlife, I couldn't tell....just the wash of emotions both happy and sad without the mechanisms to adequately express them.

I grow bored after awhile, so I move backwards seeing history rewind, pausing at all the interesting bits, and learning all the truths that historians got wrong, or misinterpreted, or just plain lied just to make a name for themselves, or support the dogma of the day. I hear other voices out here in oblivion as they too travel to and fro observing what was, have been, or will ever be....sometimes we converse, discussing a moment trying to get to the truth of it all, but mostly we move along our paths with nary a notice each of passing.

I travel forwards, seeing all that will be...amazed at some things, horrified by others, sad, happy, and phantom scratching at what I assume to be the equivalent of my head. The future for us is unwritten, you see.... constantly changing, and only becomes tangible when their moments have passed into history. I answer some questions as best I can from those future souls inquiring about my small tiny piece of time. In exchange, they tell me bits and pieces of their journeys and what will be....not necessarily equivalent exchange, as the souls I encounter from the future are numerous and constantly in flux with their outcomes not entirely set in stone...

existence, for me, passes....time to move on.

I'm just hovering in nothing....to my right a passageway that looks warm and inviting. To my left, a passageway that looks stark, cold, and ominous. I hear voices from each hallway, and take my time investigating each corridor. After some length, I surmise that each corridor is the human equivalent of heaven or perdition. I am given a choice....left or right, hell or nirvana, order or chaos....

They each make their case...opening their gates wide waiting for me to enter. It feels like a trap, either way....but I listen. One side offers peace, tranquility, bliss but no ambition, no creativity. It's the end reward of the final level of a lackluster game and you only made a passing score. The other side offers ambition and challenge, but at the total lack of joy, compassion, love, or any other of the rewards that would motivate someone to grow. It's a Korean grinder, and the rewards follow a law of diminishing returns so I would be stuck in an endless loop for an eternity or more. 

I'm drawn towards the right passage...I was raised theist, and everyone wants to go to heaven, at least that is what all the dogmas would have you to believe,  but I pause....it looks peaceful, serene, not like the cover art of the Led Zeppelin album "houses of the holy" all many steps and columns, and most tranquil. It looks like whatever I most want in the universe in smaller scale....hollow, steadfast, but never changing. The set pieces are permanent, and I'm just expected to exist and be happy forever.

I amble back to the void to ponder my choices, left or right. I float forward towards an impossibly massive wall, all the while contemplating the pros and cons of either choice. The wall is neither of substance, nor form, but it exists none the less. My fingers slide across it's surface, feeling the texture as I float and ponder. This goes on for some time until my fingers find the tiny beginning of a crack....

I float along the tiny fissure within the unblemished surface of the wall, and as I float upwards following the crack, my fingers notice the changes as I travel upwards, growing larger and larger the farther I travel along. I could not discern the distances involved, but it felt like a very long time, all the while the crack growing ever wider and wider until I could no longer feel the sides between my arms. I stop.....before me is nothing....no lights, no sound, nothing...and being the curious child I ever was, started floating forwards into this new void.

a voice speaks out in the darkness "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? AFTER ALL, THE CHOICES WERE TAILORED TO FIT YOUR NEEDS... "

wait...what?!

"SERIOUSLY...THERE IS NO GOING BACK AFTER THIS..."

Ok.....who is this?

"WHOM DO YOU THINK THIS IS?"

*rolls what passes for eyes* duh....why do you think i'm asking? You tell me...

"I'VE HAD MANY NAMES...WHICH ONE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO BY?"

Ummmm.....is this god?

"MAYBE....MAYBE NOT. IT'S HARD TO KEEP A NAME IN ALL EXISTANCE, THINGS ARE ALWAYS CHANGING, IN FLUX, BUT IF IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER...YOU CAN CALL ME GOD IF YOU WANT TO..."

yeeeeeahhh, this is a little too much to believe right at the moment....

"TAKE YOUR TIME....IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING ANYWHERE."

It's so dark...why can't I see you?

"BECAUSE....I HAVN'T BEEN CREATED HERE YET. TELL YOU WHAT, JUST HOLD YOUR HAND UP, AND SNAP YOUR FINGERS FOR A BIT....I PROMISE YOU IT WILL BE WORTH IT.....GO ON."

yeah....yeah.....sure. I hold up my hand in the void, and snap my fingers a few times. After each snap, a small light, like a pinprick, starts to grow, shedding light into the area I exist in. Growing larger and larger till the light fills the space, and everything there is revealed. From the center of the light I hear the voice again...sounding more directional and focused than it was mere moments ago.

"NOW THAT WASN'T HARD NOW...WAS IT?"

well....no. but I'm not sure just what exactly did I do.

"CREATION..."

what?

"CREATION...YOU MADE SOMETHING FROM NOTHING. GIVE YOURSELF A LITTLE PAT ON THE BACK, MOST THINGS DON'T MAKE IT THIS FAR..."

ok...now i'm really confused....I just did what you told me to do.

"IF YOU HAD DONE WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO, YOU WOULD HAVE MADE A CHOICE BACK AT THE GROTTO, AND WE WOULDN'T BE HAVING THIS PARTICULAR CONVERSATION, NOW WOULD WE?"

heh, well you do have a point....now what?

"CREATE SOME MORE...."

create? what would I create?

"ANYTHING YOU WANT, ANYTHING YOU DREAM, ANYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE....HAVE FUN."

wait...wait...wait....hold on one sec. You mean if I imagine there is a tiny beagle puppy named snoopy sitting there at my feet, it's just going to magically appear? at which point the puppy appears with a little golden nametag dangling from it's collar, and yapps excitedly while wagging it's tail...I pick it up, and it licks my face lovingly as I realize I now have a face, and I feel the puppies slobbery tongue caress my wet cheek.

ok....this is a bit too much, don't cha think? I mean, I can feel myself and that should be impossible because I'm dead. There is a puppy here that wasn't here before and that in itself should be impossible, but there it sits.....and just when did this dirt plain appear? this is all so crazy!!! I'm going insane....that has to be it....i'm loosing my marbles from floating out here alone for so long.

"YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, THE PUPPY IS REAL, AND EVERYTING APPEARED BECAUSE YOU WISHED IT TO BE....ANYTHING ELSE YOU MAY BE CONFUSED WITH?"

yeah.....i'm confused with everything, I don't know where I am, what I am, how all this can be. I know that I used to be a average dude, living in the woods, loving life, dealing with stuff, and trying to be the nicest, honest, caring person I could ever be.....I often failed, but for the most part, at least I tried, and that has to count for something, right?

"HMMMM, WELL... WHO YOU ARE IS WHO YOU CHOSE TO BE. WHERE YOU ARE, IS WHERE YOU ALWAYS WERE OR ALWAYS WANTED TO BE, BUT EVEN THAT CAN BE CHANGED IF IT IS WHAT YOU TRULY WANT TO HAPPEN. AND ALL OF THIS CAN BE...BECAUSE YOU CHOSE THE PATH NOT TAKEN... THIS IS YOUR UNIVERSE NOW...MAKE IT WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE."

so....does that make me god?

"IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, THEN YES, BE A GOD. BUT I'VE FOUND THAT JUST BEING YOURSELF IS FAR MORE REWARDING THAN TRYING TO BE SOMEONES DIETY ANY DAY. BEING DEIFIED IS TOUGH, AT FIRST IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL THEY FIGURE OUT YOU EXIST...THEN IT'S ALL WORK WORK WORK.....GOD GRANT ME THIS, GODDESS DELIVER ME FROM THAT, ALLAH BLESS EVERYTHING, BHUDDA BLESS MY SHRINE, VISHNU MAKE THE CROPS GROW...IT'S EXHAUSTING I TELL YOU. JUST BE YOURSELF, AND BE KIND...THE REST WILL SORT ITSELF OUT IN DUE TIME."

ummm, thanks? I guess....

"OH YEAH....BEFORE I GO. MY LAST BIT OF ADVICE. LOVE. THAT'S IT....JUST LOVE. YOU ARE GOING TO NEED IT. IT MAKES THE TIME FLY, AND HELPS OUT WITH ALL THE TOUGH STUFF. AND NEVER CREATE ANYTHING OUT OF SPITE....IT JUST LEADS TO HEADACHES DOWN THE ROAD OF TIME. OK THEN....HAVE FUN, AND DON'T FORGET TO SWEEP UP BEFORE YOU LEAVE."

hold up, you're just going to leave me here all alone? by myself? all alone?

"YOU'RE NEVER ALONE....YOU'VE GOT A PUPPY, AND ALL OF CREATION. YOU'LL BE FINE. TRUST ME. IF IN DOUBT, MAKE A KITTY...THEY'LL KEEP YOU IN CHECK, AND HELP YOU SEE THINGS MORE CLEARLY. GOOD LUCK!"

Ok.....i'll try, and thank you....well.....for everything.

"YOU'RE WELCOME."

The last echoes of it's voice fade into the evening sun. I walk down a gentle path I created in my mind towards a small lake and nice house I dreamed up while walking. Snoopy is gracefully bounding in the tall grasses by the path spooking up birds, rabbits, deer, squirrel, and all manner of critter with each passing step. The breeze is cool, and the sunlight warm on my skin as I approach my new home. A kitten greets me by the front door, it's mewing telling me it needs fed and a few belly rubs for good measure. It was a good day. Tomorrow, I might just try to make a universe, but today i'm just going to relax, unwind, and enjoy what is already here for a moment longer. who knows....maybe another person will come along and creation will just be that less lonely. As I prepare for bed, I think about all that has happened, reflective, pensive, and somewhat excited for the days ahead...It also leaves me questioning why the other voice told me to sweep up after i'm through...is there somewhere beyond the realms of god? or just another nowhere to be created again and again? i'll figure it out eventually...but for now...this is my undiscovered country, after all. time enough to make the most of it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(I wake up....Meh....alarm clock goes off, I blearily stumble to the loo, take one look in the mirror, and swear to myself that I will never ever again drink mescal before going to bed, as I run a grizzled hand through the remainder of my thinning hair. never again.)

[weapon13whitefang]

Beth: You have to stay who you are, not who you were (S4E12)

Gareth: Can’t go back, Bob (S5E1)

Gareth: Can’t go back, Bob (S5E2)

Rick: Can’t go back, Bob (S5E8)

Eastman : You saw it happen, that’s how this started, right? It’s all happening right in front of your eyes, over and over again. Your body’s here, but your mind is still there. There’s a door and you want to go through it, to get away from it, so you do, and leads you right back to that moment. And you see that door again, you know it won’t work but hell, maybe it’ll work, so you step through that door and you’re right back in that horrible moment every time. You still feel it every time, so you just want to stop opening that door, so you just sit in it. But I assure you, one of those doors leads out, my friend. (S6E4)

Carl : We can go back to how it was. We can go back. And you saw it. What it did. How-How easy it got... That's why you changed why you brought those people from Woodbury in You brought them in, and we all lived together. We were enemies. You put away your gun. You did it so I could change, so I could be who I am now. What you did then How you How you stopped fighting it was right. It still is. It can be like that again.You can still be like that again. Rick : I can't be who I was. It's different now. Carl : You can't kill all of 'em, Dad. There's gotta be something after. For you and for them. There's gotta be something after. (S8E9)

This doesn’t account for every time this kind of mentality has been brought up on the show, but these are the ones that stick out to me.

Since season 2, everyone has been saying that things aren’t the way they were and that you can’t be like you were in the old world. Shane was constantly telling Rick “it ain’t like it was before”.

I find this concept interesting because, while agree it can’t be like it was and you can’t be like you were… You can be better. No, you can’t go back. Team Family can not go back. They can not be who they were when the outbreak started, who they were when they were at the prison, who they were when they first entered Alexandria.

But they can be better.

Rick can’t be sheriff Rick anymore. At least not the one he was. Not the one that was shot and left in a coma... But yet he can put on the hat again. He can be the Sheriff. But he can be better. You can come back from things. You just can’t be who you were ever again.

That’s what I feel like Carl is trying to tell his dad as he’s dying. Rick can’t be the Sheriff he was, but he can be a Sheriff. People can come back to something. They won’t be the same. They’ll be better or worse, but they’re back. If they have people that they care about – that they love – with them, then they can be more than they were. They can find who they're meant to be.

Recently, @twdmusicboxmystery made a post about the magazines seen at the end of S5E8 [Coda]. In that Meta, they talked about a specific magazine that was seen by Morgan as he came across the school that Father Gabriel had stirred the walkers from. The same walkers that he lead to the church and almost got everyone freaking killed over but also the same church that Morgan finds the map in that has Rick's name on it.

That magazine was this thing

Kinda hard to make out, right? Well @frangipanilove found a clearer image of it.

Okay, awesome. In the past I did a HUGE and obnoxious Meta on the magazines that Skybound had posted. Here.

I was kind of fascinated by some of the things that musicboxmystery talked about in their META. Keep in mind, they lean more on connecting pretty much everything to Beth (I myself do not). This is more of a simple observatory thought I had after reading the META.

First off, I'm gonna focus on the giant red box that was placed on the image for me. The word “Palendrome” is supposed to be the word “Palindrome”. It's been spelled wrong. If you try to look up the word as it's spelled above, the real spelling for the word – I instead of an E – constantly comes up and a suggested word search is given. So there's been a spelling error.

What is a palindrome? A palindrome is “a word, phrase, or sequence that reads the same backward as forward.” Examples: madam, nurses run, race car, Dammit, I'm mad, mom, dad.... Bob or Hannah. The word palindrome comes from the Greek word “palin” which means “again” and the Greek word “dramein” (or drom / dromos) which means “to run”. Together they become “palindromos” which means “running back again”.

So while the word is meant to describe words that can be played backwards and forward, it can also be related to the saying “running back again” or “going back again” or “to return to the beginning”. Because a palindrome can return to it's beginning. The word starts where it ends. Hannah will be the same if you flip it backwards or read it backwards in a mirror.

So what is the palindrome of Hannah Fairlight? Why use that word to describe Hanna? (Besides her name being backwards, there's no sense to the stitle then). Well I tried to do some digging into Ms Fairlight to get a feel about who she is and why this particular word was used for her. The title states “The Palendrome of Hannah Fairlight : Turning Heartbreak into Gold”.

I couldn't find anything that would explain why they would sentence it like that... Buuuut I did find something else kinda fun.

Hannah is from the midwest and she has a few EP's out, she's had a few roles in television, and she's currently known for being in Pitch Perfect 3 as one of the Veracity members. Coda was released in 2014. Filming for S5 began in 2014... There's no record of Hannah doing ANYTHING in 2014. In 2013 she was doing sound work for Double Divas, Love & Hip Hop, Jersey String, and Say Yes to the Dress. She's listed for the music department of the series The Adventures of Ben & Sarah in 2014. Otherwise... She hasn't had anything “big” until 2017 with Pitch Perfect 3... So why use Hannah in the magazine?

Because she does bare some similarities to Emily Kinney's career. Both are self promoted musicians, both are from the Midwest (EK in Nebraska and Hannah is from Tennessee), and both have a very unique type of voice. Also, I think because Hannah's Album “Creatures of Habit” was also being released in March of 2014. The album includes a variety of love songs. Sad love songs. Emily also has a habit of posting love songs. Hers sometimes are more lovesick and sugary. But she has the occasional naughty undertone or angry love or love is a battle feel to them. Like “Mermaid Song”; it's a broken heart song.... But in 2015 Hannah was releasing an album called “Bright Future”; which is music about things will get better. This Is War from EK was about love but also fighting to keep together or accepting the fall or just angry love. Hanna went from sad love to things can go on and get better. So both have shown that they use what relates to them or use heavy inspirations of life to express their music. Finally, both are under-appreciated in their music because Hannah has some pretty great songs from what I've listened to and EK deserves. If I knew more about Hanna, I bet I could find more similarities between her and EK.

So we have a self-promoted musician from the midwest singing about lost love and sad love being shown on a magazine in an after scene of an episode where a character who sings and was lost to loved ones after being shot... My head is VERY tilted to the side like “HMMMMMMM” because even I – who really doesn't like to get into relating everything to Beth and Emily – can not help but notice the simple but glaring similarities there.

While I'm still perplexed about using palindrome to describe Hannah... If they're using Hannah as a sort of representation to EK/Beth, then using that word could mean that the beginning is the end. Morgan said everything comes around; karma / life works in circles. What you do onto others will come back onto you. So if everything comes around... How does Beth come back to the beginning? Well that could mean a lot of things. It could mean we go back to the beginning of where this whole mess began for Beth; Grady. We might be able to go back to the prison or the farm, but there really isn't much left for anything there besides maybe triggering memories. The whole thing of “we can't go back” started with Terminus, so we could go back to what remains of Terminus, though Carol and everyone kinda left that place to burn to the ground... Or perhaps just going back to Gerogia in general is what could happen. Georgia is where everything is; the farm, the prison, burnt remains of Woodbury, burnt up Terminus, and Grady... There's all kinds of things left behind in Georgia and that's where a lot of these characters stories began; Rick, Morgan, Michonne, Carol, Daryl, and Tara all started in Georgia. Maybe it means to turn back to what happened in Georgia; what made them change and what changed. Who they lost and what they lost.

I'm wondering if this magazine cover is meant for Morgan. He's the one that stumbled upon it. He's the one who Eastman gave the door analogy to. Morgan's the one who wrote the infamous wall of CLEAR. Morgan may be the one who needs to go back to the beginning to reach the end. Or it could be about Beth because of the similarities we see in her and Hannah... Or it could be both and they're connected in a way that we the audience have yet to see. Hell maybe they don't realize they're connected yet... It's possible.

Either way, I am a bit fascinated by this magazine here. I'm not sure it's what musicboxmystery thought it was, but I can see why they got excited about it.

[rfsak2]

Cactus, Part XIV

I didn’t know we would be blessed with Baby!Harry today, but I’m glad we were. Seems almost appropro... Enjoy!

Cactus, Part XIV Summary: Next Steps. The Styles Warning: None!

She smiled and kissed Niall on the cheek as he passed where she sat at the table.

“Ya good, Jamie?”

She nodded and rubbed her thumb over Harry’s thigh under the table. “I’m great! You?”

He nodded, slightly less awkward and uncomfortable then the other three men at the table.

She mimicked his nod and squeezed Harry’s thigh, before patting it and standing. “Well, I’m gonna go shopping… you guys-” she made a vague motion, wiggling her fingers at them, “-figure shit out, yeah?”

Harry pouted at her and grabbed for her hand, whispering lowly. “No, love. Don’t leave.”

She grabbed her purse with her free hand. “I’m not part of this, baby. I won’t be the Yoko to your John. You love these guys and you’re being unnecessarily avoidant. You’re a grown-ass, married man. Act like it. Take care of your shit, make your apologies and listen to theirs. You wanted this. Quit being silly.”

He tried for a grin and failed. “I won't act my age, no, I won't act my age. No, I'll still feel the same around you.”

“Cute.” She kissed his forehead and smiled at the other men. “Figure it out.”

“Have fun, Jamie.” Niall smiled.

Smiling, she turned away and then turned back. “Liam, did you ever send me a pic of Bear? A more recent one, I mean.” She checked her phone. “I have one of Freddie and I was going go print them and frame them while I was out. For our picture wall.”

Liam smiled and like that the tension was at least lessened. “I text ye one now.”

“A good one, though. One with you and Cheryl in it too?”

“Will do, Jamie.” He grinned. “Have fun. Go spend all of Haz’s money.”

She flicked him off, smiling, and waved, pausing to point down at Harry. “Get shit done, Styles.”

He grinned. “I love yeh, Styles.”

“Love you too.” She blew him a kiss.

As she left the bar, she could hear Louis chuckle. “I’ve always like yeh bird, mate. Bit ova hard-ass, innit? Doesn’t let you get with anythin’, does she?”

“Only when I’m bein’ dim. Look… I’m-”

She gave it a couple of hours and texted Niall, knowing that if it wasn’t going well, she’d get a straight answer out of him, not just a desperate plea from her 25-year-old toddler to come back and break up the awkwardness.

How’s it going?

It’s going fine, Jamie. Give us a tad longer. I’ll tell Harry text you.

Right. Sounds good.

‘A tad longer’ ended up being the rest of the afternoon, Harry calling her and telling her that he’d catch a lift with one of the boys and would see her at home.

Later, after unwrapping the newly framed pictures of Louis’ and Liam’s respective familie, she smiled. She took down the two older pictures of the boys down and tried to decide if the newer photos would fit or if she’d have rearrange to make room.

She was holding Louis’ photo up against the wall when she felt two lanky arms wrap around her waist.

Harry pressed his face into her neck and sighed. “Those are good photos.”

She nodded. “They’re both really cute little munchkins for sure.”

She lifted the photo of Niall and his girlfriend off its nail and held it up higher on the wall, trying to see if it would mess with the spacing of the whole wall.

Harry propped his chin on her shoulder and hummed. “I like it there.”

She set it down next to the other two photos. Smiling over her shoulder, she lifted the hammer off the little side table she had commandeered. “You wanna put those man hands to good use?”

He grinned and grabbed the hammer from her as she stepped out of the way.

“How’d it go, baby?” She passed him a nail.

He shrugged.

“Really. How’d it go?”

He smiled down at her and shrugged again with more purpose. He winked at her. “It wasn’t easy, but it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be.”

She kissed his cheek. “Happy you did it?”

Leaning over to kiss her, he nabbed another nail. “Yes, I am quite pleased. Glad my wife is so smart.”

“Good.” She shot him a smug smile. “Glad my husband is humble enough to say so.” He snorted. “So you’re doin’ it then. 1D is coming back.”

Shrugging again, he took the last nail from her and sighed.

“Shrugger, no shrugging.”

He grinned and stuck his tongue out at her.

“You know you don’t have to do anythin’ you don’t want to do, right baby? You know that.”

He smiled at her. “I’m not… I want to do it. Loved bein’ in 1D, really did…”

“Then what?” She rubbed a hand over his side. “I don’t like seein’ ya so conflicted, baby. Talk to me.”

He tapped in the last nail. “I think I’m just worried.” He huffed. “What if we’re not relevant anymore, what if we’re just tryin’ to dig up somethin’ we killed four years ago?”

She nodded thoughtfully. “Do you really think it’s dead? There is a large group of twenty-somethings that would disagree.”

“But it’s different now. We’re different… older.”

Handing him Niall’s photo, she smiled. “You’re only 25, Harry. Nowhere near old.”

“True.” He nodded and hung it. “What if we’re going backwards? I want to keep moving forward.”

“Then keep moving forward.” She kissed his jaw. “Build off what you all accomplished separately and make this something that is relevant and is moving forward. They, the fans, the media, management, what have you, they’re always going to want to hear What Makes You Beautiful and Kiss You and Perfect and that’s okay, they’re great songs, but you guys can still make something new. No one wants to stay stagnant.” She passed him Louis’ photo and then Liam’s photo.

When both were hung the couple stepped back. She smiled up at him. “Looks good.”

He nodded and sat on the arm of the couch, pulling her between his legs. “So yeh think this is a good move? Yeh think this is the right thing?”

She smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. “Do you want to do it? Honestly. No pressure. Do you want to do it?”

He was quiet for a long moment. “Yes.”

“Then do it.” She kissed his cheek. “Do good work and do it on y’all’s terms and no one else’s and do it for as long as you want to do it.”

He nodded. “Okay.” He tucked his face in her neck. “We talked a bit about the album. Looks like we’re gonna make it in London. Seems neater and easier.”

She winced. “For how long?”

“Couple of months at least.”

She took a deep breath. A couple of months shouldn’t seem so daunting but she knows that a couple of months could easily be three or four or more...and then there was a tour. “Okay.”

He pulled away just a bit to look at her. She wasn’t crying but she didn’t really look happy either. “None of that, love. I’m not leaving yeh here. Want yeh to come. Need yeh to come. Can’t be without yeh.” He gathered her against him again. “Want yeh to work on the album. We all do. Want yeh to be on t’tour too.”

She sighed and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. “1D has a band, baby.”

“We did.” He nodded. She didn’t miss the ‘we’ and it made her smile. “Four years ago. Some of them can’t come on short notice. We called them to see.” He shrugged. “Want both you and Mitch.”

She smiled and leaned up to kiss him. “Have you called Mitch?”

He nodded. “Texted him, yeah. He can work on the album but he’s got a commitment, can’t do a tour right now.”

She smiled. “Alright then.”

“Yeah?” He smiled and squeezed her closer. “You will?”

“Of course. When have I ever said no to workin’ with my hubby?” She kissed his temple. “And Mitchy. I miss Mitchy.”

“He was here last week.”

She shrugged. “We didn’t jam though. Just drank. I miss jammin’ with Mitchy.”

**

“What was that first conversation like?” The interviewer smiled gently. “Must have been a bit weird.”

Louis nodded. “It was a bit… a bit awkward.”

“Harry needed his emotional support... person.”

“Your what?”

Niall snorted. “His wife.”

Harry elbowed Liam. “I thought you were callin’ me wife an animal.”

With a wide, cheeky grin, Liam shook his head. “Nah, wouldn’t do that to Jamie-love. I like her more than I like you.”

Harry chuckled. “Arse.”

He patted Harry’s chest. “Did good, kid. She’s a good one.”

Louis smiled. “She left as soon as we were all there though. Went shoppin’. Left us to talk it out like men.”

Nodding, Niall shrugged. “It was a bit awkward and a bit weird but… y’know. We talked it out and here we are.”

The interviewer smiled. “Here you are. Are you proud of the album?”

Liam nodded. “Very proud, yeah.”

**

“So Harry, you’ve been married over a year now. Liam and Louis, you both have a child.”

“‘Niall’s all alone, forever single. Bachelor extraordinaire’.” Niall clutched a hand to his chest. “No one loves me.”

“Is that true? Are you single?”

Niall grinned. “Dunno. Might be.”

“So there have been some life changes since you were last here.” The interviewer smiled. “How does that change how you tour?”

“It makes it more difficult, of course. Have to balance everything better this time. Don’t want to end up burned out and angry that I missed my kid’s life, y’know.” Liam grinned. “I won’t speak for Louis, but Harry’s gone and married the guitarist, so not much changes for him, I’d guess.”

Harry shrugged. “I get a bigger room now.” He laughed into his fist, glancing at Jamie behind the camera. “No, but to be ser-”

“Wait really?” The interviewer chortled. “Did they have you on twin beds before?”

Louis shook his head. “Cots… four cots right next t’each other in one room. To keep us out of trouble.”

“Oh. Right. Did it work?”

“No, not particularly.”

Harry nodded. “Now they’re gonna like screen off a corner for me so me and the missus can have privacy. Do the same for Liam when Cheryl comes to visit.”

Casting a look over his shoulder at the woman shaking her head in the corner, the interviewer smiled. “Your wife is shaking her head. Don’t think I should believe you.”

“Good choice.” Harry grinned at her over the interviewer’s shoulder. “I’d believe her over me too.””

**

“Harry!”

Harry jumped. “Yes?”

The interviewer, a younger woman, smiled just shy of coy. “You’re growing your hair out again, I see.”

“Yeah… uh.” He glanced at Liam. “Yeah. Recently found out that my wife really liked my hair long.”

Louis chuckled. “Just now? You’ve been together for what… three years? Just found out now?”

Harry nodded. “Yeah... Y’know how she is. She didn’t want t’make a fuss over something silly. ‘Jus’ hair’ she said.” Grinning, he shrugged. “While we were recording,  one night, she must have been exhausted to even have brought up, she just turned to me and said ‘I’m kinda sad that I never got to have sex with you when you had the long hair.’”

Niall died laughing. “And that was that.”

Harry nodded. “Yep. Haven’t cut my hair since. But back to the album, we had a number-”

**

“There’s a slight difference between some of your older material and the new…” James chuckled and avoided Louis’ dead-ass stare.

“Really, James.”

James nodded. “Yes, there’s a difference between say Drag Me Down and Back At It.”

“No [bleep].”

Harry, back in back middle, covered his face while Niall and Liam each collapsed against his shoulder, grown men giggling.

Louis smiled sweetly, like he wasn’t the savage he clearly was. “What’s your question, James?”

He laughed, pretending to shrink away from him. “I’m gonna pull this car over and someone else is going to sit shotgun.”

“What’s your question?”

James grinned. “In what ways do you feel like you’ve matured and how has that changed your music as a band.”

Liam grinned. “Well… we’re men now, men with experience and responsibilities, I think… most of us anyway. Harry still can’t grow a beard.”

Harry shook his head at Liam, smiling. “My inability to grow a beard has actually added stability to our growth as a band… a constant… somethin’ unchanging.”

James snickered. “How does your wife feel about the beard situation?”

Harry sniffed, his nose turning up. “She loves me just as I am… Thank you very much.”

**

Harry grinned at the audience, feeling the rush of performing for tens of thousands of people, feeling the sheer difference in atmosphere between a One Direction concert and a solo-artist Harry Styles show.

He lifted the mic to his mouth. “It’s good to be back.” He strutted out down the walkway. “We’ve missed yeh. Have yeh missed us?”

The crowd roared.

“Good… Good.” He wiped his forehead playfully. “Was worried. Before we go any further, let me introduce yeh to the band.” The crowd cheered and he made a shushing motion. “First we have Jon Shone on the keyboard. Give it up for the keyboard!”

The crowd clapped.

“We have the always divine Josh Devine.” The crowd started cheering before he could even finish the sentence. “Give it up for Josh on the drums!”

He grinned. “We have Sandy Beales, who is still doin’ the same thing every night.”

Sandy grinned from the band podium and mouthed ‘You too!’

Harry grinned. “Sandy is on the bass guitar. Give it up for Sandy!! He’s also right. I too am no longer a bachelor.” The crowd roared and Harry turned to grin at Jamie. “Which leads me to the last member of our band, on the electric guitar…. MY WIFE!”

Jamie lifted her hand and smiled as the crowd cheered.

“I’m a very proud man.” Harry waved at her from halfway across the stadium. “Hey Monster!”

Jamie waved back and blew him a kiss.

The crowd went wild. “Give it up for Jamie Styles on the guitar!”

“So in case you missed it: that is Jon, Josh, Sandy and Jamie…” He grinned. “The J’s… and Sandy. Sandy, mate, you’re called Jack now… for the sake of being able to refer to the band as the J’s.”

Sandy gave a laugh and a thumbs up as the crowd laughed.

“They are the J’s and this is Better than Words.”

The crowd erupted as he skipped down the walkway, glancing back at Jamie every once and awhile.

“Better than words But more than a feeling Crazy in love Dancing on the ceiling.”

He sang to the first row of fans, making faces and flirting with screaming girls, before taking off back towards the main stage, pausing to grab Liam’s ass as he passed.

Winking up at her, he turned back to the crowd for the chorus before clambering up the band podium to get in behind her as Louis took up his mic.

She turned to look up at him. “What are you doin’, ya loon?”

As she looked back down to continue playing, she felt him nip in close, rolling his hips against her backside.

“Best I ever had Hips don't lie.”

He sang along in her ear and she had to fight to keep focused on playing an instrument.

“You make me wanna sss”

He pressed completely against her and she gasped, chuckling. “Not fair, Haz.”

“One more night Irreplaceable, crazy, we're crazy”

Grinning against her ear, he kept singing, before kissing her cheek and tearing off to sing the chorus with the boys.

It would be up on the internet by the end of the night and, if he did it every time they sang that song, she’d reckon that by the end of the tour, there’d be compilation video.

**

Harry gently massaged the back of her neck as she lay face-down on the bed. “Lou’s gettin’ yeh antibiotics, love.” He paused to listen to Lou on the phone. “No she’s not allergic. Do you have a pref-” She lifted her head to glare balefully at him. “Just get her whatever has the shortest course… wh- Yeah, she’s on birth control… No not the pill, the ring.” He listened for a minute. “Yeah, of course, I know. She’s me wife. Why shouldn’t I know?”

He rolled his eyes. “I don’t subscribe to toxic masc-”

“Harry!”

He looked down at Jamie. “What’s wrong, monster?”

“Can we shelve the social commentary? I just want my antibiotics and some sinus medication, baby. Please.”

He winced. “Sorry, love.”

“It’s okay, baby… shouldn’t have snapped at ya. I just feel like shit.”

He kissed the back of her head. “Lou, do you need any more info from us?”

Hanging up, he rubbed at the back of her neck again. “Cup of tea, love?”

She nodded and as he rushed off, she dove for her iPad.

Pulling up the calendar, she paled. She should’ve replaced her ring a we- nine days ago.

Shit. Fuck. Damn.

Not that she was feeling ill because she might be pregnant. She definitely had a sinus infection, it felt like she’d been hit in the face with a brick. Pregnancy didn’t cause that.

She went to the ensuite and removed the ring and sat on the toilet lid, staring down at the travertine tile.

Half of her, the part that doubted that she would make an even half-decent mother, that feared that there was a chance that being a terrible mother was more hereditary than being addicted to heroin, wanted to just insert a new ring and hope that she wasn’t already pregnant.

Harry would be none-the-wiser.

But she would know.

She sighed.

She would know that she had lied to the most important person in her life. She would know that, despite knowing how much Harry wanted to have kids, despite knowing that he’d only waited this long because he knew she was terrified of her biological family’s history creeping up on her-

That despite knowing all this, she lied to him and risked not only her health, but the health of a hypothetical maybe-child that she, if she were honest, already loved the idea of having.

She could be pregnant right now.

She cradled her stomach with shaking hands. Right now there could be a little nugget of joy hidden deep within her. A little bit of Harry mixed with a little bit of her.

She could be pregnant.

She stood and washed her hands, grabbing her phone off the nightstand.

Lou-boo… can you get a pregnancy test… too? Ha! A rhyme!

Do you think you’re pregnant? Haz said you’re on the ring.

I am, but in all the hustle and bustle and tour shit, I’ve forgotten to replace it. Hadn’t even thought about it until Haz mentioned it when he was talking to you.

I’m probs not.. But I need to check before I can start up again.

What happens if you are? Do you want me to get Plan B? Pregnancy test might not be able to tell you right now anyway.

No to Plan B. If I’m pregnant then we’re having a baby. If not then… well I’m about to have that convo with the man-child. So we’ll see.

Ok. Have fun.

“Here’s the tea, love.”

She turned and stepped against him, wrapping her arms around him and burying her face in his collarbone.

“What’s wrong?” He pressed a kiss to her hair and wrapped himself around her. “Are yeh okay, love?”

She smiled. “I forgot to replace my ring last month.”

Nose still pressed to her hair, Harry froze. “Are yeh sayin’ yer pregnant, Jamie?”

She shrugged. “Don’t know. Asked Lou to get a pregnancy test.”

“Ok.” His chest expanded under her cheek as he took a deep breath and reached down to coax her face out of his chest. “What happens if yer pregnant?”

She smiled and kissed his chin. “If I’m pregnant, then congrats you’re gonna be a dad.”

He chuckled a little breathlessly and smiled down at her. “And if not?”

She nodded. “That’s what we have to decide. Do I go back on birth control or do we take this as a sign to just do it?”

“T’do what, love?”

“To start a family.” She smiled. “Do you want to start a family with me?”

“Do yeh want to start a family? Do yeh want to have a baby?” He kissed her. “Love, yeh know what I want, but this is yer body and if yeh don’t feel ready then that’s fine. We can wait.”

She pressed her face into his chest. “Part of me is terrified. Truly, absolutely terrified. I’m scared that I’ll be a shit mom, that I’ll be like my bio mom-”

“Yer nothing like yer biological mother, love.”

“But we don’t know that.” She cuddled in closer. “I could be just like her. I don’t really remember anythin’ about her. For all I know, I could be her spittin’ image.”

“Maybe so.” He shrugged. “Maybe yeh do look like her, but yer not a heroin addict. Yer a musician with a very successful career. Yer a married woman in a stable, supportive relationship with a man who loves the fuck outta yeh. Yeh are one of the calmest, most naturally maternal women I’ve ever met. Yeh are just like yer actual mum.”

He smiled down at her. “But if yer scared, then we’ll wait. That’s a no brainer, love. Yer not a baby factory. I’m not gonna force yeh to have my babies.”

She nodded. “Are you ready to have kids, baby?”

“I think so. I think I’ve been ready since before we got married.” He kissed her head. “One time I saw this woman at the shop. She was obviously not yeh, but she was blonde and she had a couple tattoos and she had a daughter, probably five years old...Her daughter just followed her around the fruit aisle askin’ what everythin’ was. She was so patient, answerin’ every question. I just stared. For a second, I just wanted for that to be yeh, for that little girl to be ours.”

She sniffed and tried to wipe at her eyes without him noticing and failed.

He pulled back and laid his forehead against hers. “Sorry, love. Didn’t mean to make yeh cry.”

She shook her head. “It’s fine. When was that?”

“After yer cousin’s weddin���.”

She smiled. “Really?”

He nodded. “I think seeing you with your family…” Pausing, he shrugged.

There was a knock on the door and Harry went to open it, letting Lou in.

Lou smiled and opened her arms for Jamie.

“Scared, lovely?”

Jamie smiled and hugged the taller woman. “A bit, yeah… but less so than ten minutes ago.”

Lou nodded. “Well, I picked up a couple of tests with the earliest response times I could find. Also told the pharmacist that you might be preggers and he gave me the medicine you could take if you were. Then I asked if being on tour would be bad for a pregnant woman.” She shrugged. “Thought I’d be thorough. He said that as long as your doctor says you’re healthy, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being on tour.”

“Okay.” Nodding, Jamie took a deep breath, hands on her hips.

Hugging her once more, Lou kissed her forehead. “Well, call if you need anythin’ but I’ll leave you to it, yeah?” Lou made for the door and closed it behind her after blowing them a kiss. “Have fun.”

Curled up in his lap as they waited, she smiled. “I want to be pregnant.”

“Yeah, y’sure?”

She nodded. “Yeah. The longer I think about it, the more I want it.”

The timer she set on her phone rang and she took a deep breath, holding her hand out to him.

Harry smiled and grabbed her hand, letting her lead him into the bathroom.

Yes.

Yes.

An Interlude Up Next: Part XV

[reptileshrine]

COSMIC CHURCH 2004-2017 “Cosmic Church is dead. The remaining process around finishing and releasing the final album does not require any true creative work from me anymore so I consider all my essential work for this band to be finished. The promise was made and now it is fulfilled. This does not mean that there would´t still be quite a lot of different technical things to be wrapped up before the album is ready to be send to press. However, now that the end draws near I think it is a good time to take a look backwards to these 13 years I´ve worked with this band and write a some words about the whole process. A funeral eulogy of some kind. I won´t go into details about why and how the band was formed and how it kept on going - you can read all about that for example in the book: The Devil´s Cradle which was just release awhile ago also translated to English. What I can write about is the following: - THE END - As soon as Cosmic Church began forming up there was this idea and vision about doing 3 albums with all of them having 7 songs, and a lot of that had to do with my obsession about the numbers and their symbolic meaning. The actual plans and timeline about how and when these albums would be released have naturally changed a lot during the years and I´ve also had moments when I felt I should either extend this plan or send the band to it´s early grave. After I finished Ylistys there was a period of time when I felt that I could never “re-create the magic” like that again, the album contained so strong and clear ideological "manifest" about Cosmic Church that in a way it is a perfect album for it´s spiritual and ideological vision. And it is true, Ylistys will most likely remain the brightest and most focused creation of this band. The spiritual ecstasy I felt while I created that album was something which can never be replicated in my lifetime. Still, after the smoke was settled felt that I absolutely needed to complete the plan and also the create the final album, there was no other way forward. After this decision I also felt that I had to do something not as exhausting in between these two big albums so the plan was put to motion to materialize "Vigilia" MLP before I focused into working with the final LP. Vigilia was an easier project for multiple reasons, for example I did not write the lyrics myself and also the songs were not put through as long creative process compared to the major albums. That is probably also why some people will think its the best one because it certainly had a bit more "freedom" and "flow" compared to the major albums around it. Maybe the most critical thing is the fact that I´ve always very strongly felt the purpose of the band to be an ideological one – as I have expressed in all of my interview during the years. As soon as I truly decided to work on the final album it also meant that the process was a "spiritual funeral" on a personal level for many different things and ideas, and required me to change as a whole. What this means is that at the moment I am not either willing or able to create or vision any more material to be created for Cosmic Church as my “inspirational source” to these things have been purposely closed. I am a different person compared to what I was when I created "Ylistys" and instead of high spiritual ideals my focus is now towards more down-to-earth ones. From this long process of dying things have returned to a "blank slate" and I am again free to build anything on top of that. - THE FULFILLMENT - The last album is called "Täyttymys" which translates into "fulfillment" or "attainment" - the name speaks for itself. As I knew while starting to work on the album that it will be the last one I wanted to write about everything there was still left to process after Ylistys was done. Also the process of dying described above was very strongly present at the creation process. Musically people have described it sounds like a mix of different elements from 90´s black metal combined to softer elements and that is probably true because I´ve personally felt giving a tribute to bands which have affected me a lot during the years; there are clear nods to at least Enslaved, Dimmu Borgir, Godspeed You! Black Emperor, Isengard and Burzum on the record. So, what is left to be done before the album is finished: The mixing process is at the final stages which means we are still tweaking the details before the album goes into mastering. Also the pictures for the layouts are taken but we still need to assemble it. So it is most likely going to take at least 3-4 months before the album is finished from technical perspective. “Täyttymys” will contain 7 tracks with a runtime of approx 43 minutes. I - Aloitus (Beginning) II - Armolahja (Charism) III - Sinetti (The Seal) IV - Huuto (The Scream) V - Vangittu (Imprisoned) VI - Alttari (The Altar) VII - Täyttymys (Attainment) We will most likely do a CD version first and vinyl later. I´d say the CD will most likely be out autumn 2018 and LP early 2019 but these timelines can change as always. - FAQ - People have been asking mostly about the following so finally, here are the answers: "Will the old albums ever get repressed?" & "How about cassette versions?" - Maybe in the future. We have no plans to do that at the moment. Wait 2-20 years and they will probably get (re)pressed at some point. "Can my label re-release this album in format [X]?" & "Can my label release any of your other bands?" - No. I work with Kuunpalvelus only at the moment. "Will you quit making music?" & "What about band [X]?" - Frozen Graves is active, we just released an LP (you can listen to it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PkzmNBcCp0c), we will most likely do more at some point. - Asymmetry is hibernating. We have one unreleased MLP which will probably come out some day. No other future plans at the moment. - Aura Saturnal is not active at the moment but might regain activity at some point. - I am also doing a completely new black metal project, first demo halfway there. No other information available about that, it will be provided later if needed. "Will CC bandcamp / this page remain active?" - Bandcamp will remain active, I might also add some older material there at some point. - This page will most likely remain active until the vinyl version of Täyttymys is released. Please do not send me messages, I won´t answer them. - FINAL WORDS - I started this band in 2004 when I was 15 years old and I´ve spend working with it nearly half of my life. I feel like I have achieved everything I set to look out in the beginning and can now happily descent the coffin to the grave. The birth, existence and death of this band also defined a lot of my personal journey during these years and now I am finally free from this process and can start everything from anew. I also want to express my gratitude to all the people who helped me to materialize my vision during the years. Even though this has always been my vision I could have not been able to do these things without great help I have received, and for this I salute you!” Luxixul Sumering Auter 31.12.2017

[hmel78]

In conversation with Andy Jackson ...

SIGNAL TO NOISE (2014)

Andy Jackson is a recording engineer best known for his work with the British progressive rock band ‘Pink Floyd’. He is also the owner and operator of Tube Mastering, a private studio specializing in recorded music mastering.

Originally trained in the profession by producer/engineer James Guthrie at Utopia Studios and serving as his assistant for several years, Jackson began work as an engineer for Pink Floyd in 1980, assisting in the recording of the performances of “The Wall” at Earls Court. As Guthrie's assistant once more he then worked on the film soundtrack recordings for “The Wall” and the studio album “The Final Cut”. Once Guthrie relocated to Los Angeles, Jackson became the band's primary engineer beginning with “A Momentary Lapse of Reason” and then “The Division Bell”; plus the material recorded for the soundtrack to the band's 1992 auto racing documentary film “La Carrera Panamericana”. He was also the Front of House engineer on the band's 1994 world tour. His current primary responsibility is as the Senior Engineer for David Gilmour's studio, ‘Astoria’ and has worked on all of Gilmour's recordings/multimedia projects as an engineer and/or co-producer since 1984. He was also the engineer on Roger Waters' first solo album “The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking” and worked Front of House on Waters' 1984 tour.

Jackson (in collaboration with engineer Damon Iddings) has remastered the majority of the bonus features material on the Immersion editions of “The Dark Side of the Moon” and “Wish You Were Here” for the Why Pink Floyd...? reissue campaign.

In addition to his work with Pink Floyd, Jackson has also worked with artists such as ‘Heatwave’,’ Strawbs’, ‘The Boomtown Rats’ (most notably mixed their hit "I Don't Like Mondays"), ‘Incredible Kidda Band’ and goth rock group ‘Fields of the Nephilim’ – he was also guitar player in the live band version of ‘The Eden House’.

Jackson is a two-time nominee for the Grammy Award for Best Engineered Album for ‘A Momentary Lapse of Reason’ and ‘The Division Bell’.

Inbetween engineering, producing, AND playing bass on two of the tracks on Pink Floyd’s new album “Endless River”, Andy has also recorded his first truly Solo album.   Helen Robinson caught up with him recently to talk to him about ‘Signal To Noise’, and of course ... Pink Floyd!

HR : So, this is actually your 4th record, but your first entirely solo album?

AJ : It’s the 4th one I’ve made yeah, the others sort of leaked out and nobody noticed! So yes this is the first proper one.

How long did it take you to put it together from concept to mastering?  

When I finished working on the last ‘Eden House’ album at the beginning 2013 – I decided I’d done enough there and it was time to move on.  So I started thinking about the idea of doing my own stuff then, but there were all sorts of brick walls in the way, which all became part of the process; struggling through the barriers of taking on things that I couldn’t do. First one being lyrics ; I had never written lyrics on my own before -  I’d done a little bit in collaboration, but that was the first question I had to ask myself “can I do this, can I write lyrics?”. I started the process and started to get things that I liked and it became something that I felt confident in doing. I didn’t want to do things that were naff, and I certainly wasn’t going to write about girls and cars – I wanted to write about things that interest me, or something that I wanted to say.   Having done a lot of stuff through work where people struggle to have lyrics until late on in the process, I really thought that was NOT the way to do it! So it was a very deliberate thing with this to have the lyrics first. And then I either wrote the music from scratch, or maybe if I had an idea knocking around that went with it I would work on it - but lyrics were quite pivotal in the process.   So that was early in 2013 but it’s been quite bitty since because I’ve made a Pink Floyd album in the meantime, but there were long  periods where I wasn’t working and could get on with ‘Signal To Noise’

Was it a joyous experience or, because it’s what you do day in day out, did you find it frustrating?

No no! In some ways it’s actually fulfilling what I have always wanted to do. When I first got into recording it was on the basis of wanting to make records of my own. I wasn’t really trying to do that, but it was the next best thing.   I never felt I had the ability or the confidence to do stuff on my own. I played in bands a bit but nothing that really went anywhere. And I’ve been recording for long enough, so that part of its easy. Actually piecing it together and doing a lot of the music was quite quick. It was more the thinking about it stages and where I was tackling stuff that was quite difficult, but that became part of the ethos of the album as I said before. You know, doing stuff that was hard - which sort of became a lyrical thread, that ran through the album, about grabbing hold of life rather than just drifting. There were quite a few challenges but I felt it was good to have the challenges! It pushed me to my limits and it became a real interesting process of learning stuff.   It has made me listen to music in new ways. Having to sing myself, which was not what I originally intended to do. I was going to get a succession of guest singers to do it, but it became clear pretty quickly that I didn’t want to do that.  It just didn’t feel like it was my album with someone else singing it - having written the lyrics and done vocal demos to give an idea; people ended up singing them differently and it wasn’t really what I wanted. So that was a big challenge because I’d never sung myself, before. When I first heard it I didn’t like it, but I stopped for about 3 months and just concentrated on improving my vocals - Until I got to a point where I could listen to and think about it as if it was someone else singing . So that was quite tricky.

Which again echoes what you say about reflecting a life process where you take control of things ... Well exactly!  It’s a bunch of threads in my life coming together. It coincided with a time of quite big change in my life – personal circumstances. I was at a point in life where it would have been easy to just drift into a state of freewheeling and I became very determined not to do that. And not spend time wishing I was this or that, and just thought ‘well I can still do that’ – it was just a question of putting the work in. And it’s been really rewarding. In some ways doing things that are easy – there’s not a lot of value in it. If you push yourself to the limit, and do things that are hard, you get tremendous personal value from it. It’s been a great experience from that point of view.

So are you happy with it then?

Oh of course not!  [laughs]  But yes as well!  Anybody who makes records will always think there are a million details that you could have done better. But I’m also very aware – having worked with Pink Floyd so much, where everything takes such a long time – I’m quite keen to get to a point and just move on,  and if there’s stuff that can be better then,  do it next time!  Which I have already started to process, I’m already writing again for the next one; and just trying to learn all the time - find out new stuff - and I already think that the next one is going to be better than this one ... which is the way that it should be!

I’ll look forward to that ...

Yeah could be a while yet [laughs] although now I’ve finished the Floyd album I’m less busy ; and I like to be busy , I like to do stuff, I’m not good at just sitting around, otherwise I go riot!

Presumably you were a musician before you were a sound engineer?

I was a bad musician, yeah! [laughs] My dad taught me to play guitar when I was about 10. I was always really keen and played in bands at school and things like that ...

Was there a particular piece of music that inspired you to want to be a part of the recording process?

Well because of the age I am, my love through my teens was British Prog – King Crimson, Vandergraf and stuff like that. It was that that got me into music and - I would listen to it and picture in my head the people playing it and want to be recording it. Inevitably when you get into the industry, as a studio engineer, you’ll record anything that comes along really – mainly pop music – but then the opportunity came to go and work with Floyd and that really was the ‘never look back’ point.  Which has been fantastic – what a brilliant thing to have done. I just wish we’d been busier!! Actually recently it’s been busier because David’s [Gilmour] done a few things, and there have been reissue box sets and things, which have been nice to work on.

Do you have a Favourite piece of gear that you use in the Studio?

Oooh. I’ve got favourite guitars – i have a guitar collecting habit! In terms of recording stuff. No, I mean I’ve got things that I use a lot because I regard it as being really good, but nothing that makes me really excited like a favourite compressor or something!

Favourite Guitar then?

Well it changes all the time. At the moment its one I just bought.  It’s a Paul Reed Smith. I’ve had loads of them over the years but this one’s beautiful, unusual. As far as I know it’s the only sort they’ve ever made that has a Soapbar, tremolo, and not got a maple top. So that’s why I got it, but it weighs a ton! Ironically it’s not on the album! [Signal to Noise] I bought it more recently but I can actually say that all the guitars I own, have got on the album somewhere – because when you’ve got a part you just pick up each guitar until you find one that’s right for it, and I ended up using them all!

Have you embraced the evolution of technology – do you rate MP3 vs Vinyl / CD

No - they don’t sound very good, that’s for sure! It’s a real shame that it’s the first time we’ve ever gone backwards in sound quality.  There’s been a continual push forwards ; even within CDs – at the margins of the technology it was about how good the players were and how good converter technology was and things like that, and that all keeps going forwards.   But MP3s are a terrible backwards step!   There’s still clearly an appetite amongst some people for much higher resolution stuff and if you release it, people will buy it - above CD I mean, really high res stuff.   My album will be available like that. You can buy it just as a CD, or there’s a double disc version as an alternative which has 2 discs – CD bundled with a DVD which has got Hi-Res and a surround version on it. It’s been nice to do that.   I chatted to a few people when the ‘Division Bell’ [Pink Floyd] surround came out and a lot of people really liked that, so certainly there is a bunch of people who will buy it because it’s surround - and also because I love it! Every album I do now there’s a ‘surround’ with it as well.

Favourite album that you’ve worked on? It’s funny with working on albums because it puts it into a completely different mental place, and you can never hear it the way you hear an album you don’t work on. In some ways the ones that I enjoy listening to the most now, are the ones which were recorded incredibly quickly. For example – David Torn, who’s an avant-garde jazz guitarist, did an album called ‘Cloud About Mercury’, which I recorded, and it was done in 3 days. There’s almost no ‘pollution’ by the recording process, and I can just listen to it as if it’s someone else’s album.

I have to say that the new ‘Pink Floyd’ album “Endless River” was really fun to do because it was quite a different project to anything else I’ve done.   We were taking existing material and manipulating it, and that made it a very different process to the conventional one that we’d normally use, so I have really have enjoyed this album.

I really enjoyed making mine too, but for different reasons.   I’m already thinking on the next one, what I’d like to do – and maybe work in different ways, try to do it in much more of a band kind of way if I can find the right facilities to do it, because I can fit a drummer in my bedroom! [laughs].

Are you going to be able to listen back to ‘Signal To Noise’ in years to come without it really paining you that it’s summing up this period in your life now?

No, no, I listen to it all the time actually - I genuinely do listen to it for pleasure – I really like it!

Is there an album, which you haven’t worked on, that you’ve listened to and though ‘’Ah that would have sounded so much better if I’d have engineered / produced it’’?

Oh that’s not fair! I can’t answer that!  Yeah LOADS! But I’m not going to say anything ... [laughs] I would be critical of everything I ever hear to be honest, even if it’s done really really well, subjectively one would make different choices!   It’s inherently a subjective art form, and everyone’s work is different.  I can’t think of anything  I’ve listened to and thought that it’s perfect, but I’m sure people listen to my work and say exactly the same.  

Well if everything was perfect I suppose you’d never strive to create anything new or better ...

Well that’s right! It’s interesting, and talking to people I know who say the same thing – they’re their own worst critic and always feel that they could have done better, and that pushes you on. I really try to get better all the time. Even working on the new Floyd album, I was working with new techniques; because out of necessity I have to invent something, and then it becomes a really interesting area to explore and you can do new stuff that you’ve never done before. So I always try to keep learning, and I think I do!

You’ve been Nominated for 2 Grammys – is it important to you to have a recognised achievement like a Grammy, or is it enough to have been responsible for crafting a world recognised sound across Pink Floyds albums in the past 25 years?

Not really.  It’s nice, but to be honest, I really only have to answer to myself I think. Of course, other people’s opinions count, and inevitably we all have certain vanities, and enjoy it when people like what you do, but really it’s more about whether you can look at yourself in the mirror and know that you’ve maximised yourself and put the effort in. It’s certainly the way that I look at things now, and it really pushes me forwards to achieve things.

Is it testing to work with Pink Floyd?  Do you have conversations about the recordings before you begin? Do they come to you with a particular sound in mind, or do they let you have control?

It tends to be more talking about other things when we’re stopped really! People, with them, have always imbued it with a great sort of reason, even down to the most bizarre things like linking up ‘Dark Side Of The Moon’ with ‘The Wizard Of Oz’ – people give it meaning that’s over and above what it actually has.   When it comes down to it it’s much more intuitive - the same as most people making music really. It’s not fundamentally that different to anyone else’s recording process I don’t think, but yeah, as far as control goes – particularly when it comes to mixing, I’ve worked with them for so long now, since 1981, I have got a pretty good idea what it’s supposed to sound like and that makes it a much easier process.

What’s the most fun – Pink Floyd or David Gilmour’s solo recordings?

It’s not really very different to be honest. There are different people involved, but at the core, you’re working with David. Whether it’s Floyd or his Solo thing – he’s the dominant factor in it. If you group together his 3 solo recordings and include ‘Momentary Lapse of Reason’ and ‘Division Bell’, I think ‘On an Island’ was probably his best work.

Any artist who you’d really love to work with?

They’re all dead! [Laughs]

So your next project is to invent a time machine!

Yeah exactly!   It would have been interesting to have been the industry maybe 10 years before I started in 1976. There would have been some really interesting stuff to be involved in but ... I make my own interesting stuff ... I hope!!

[xiajin]

Have you ever thought about how if someone with hanahaki coughs up roses, the thorns would hurt them so much? But they'd still want to love but for obvious health reasons, many times, those loves RARELY work out...? just a random thought for my favorite writer :) I'm yoonkook trash thanks to you

c: 

my head, my heartsugakookie; hanahaki disease au; could be longer, might be a whole fic, idk. 

jungkook, like other orphans, has nothing.

his hands are always either warm or sore; jungkook, like other orphans, go to sleep at night and wake up in the morning hearing the ring of bells in his head, hoping that it’s the sound of their fathermother waking them up in the morning. it’s always a lie. jungkook, like other orphans, grow into adults with a listless look in his eyes, staring up at the sky and keeping his mouth shut. like other orphans, he dreams.

sometimes he dreams about the stage - grandiose, open, and wide - sometimes he dreams about the studio, his mouth pressed against the microphone in a silent kiss - sometimes he dreams about laughing freely into the sea. she captures his smiles for himself and drops it in the depths of her oceans. jungkook wishes for the sea like a dream, like a lost forgotten memory. he wishes, wishes, wishes, counts stars the way orphans do, and thinks that a life living in the shadows is better than wishing for something that was never - and never will be - his.

it starts with jungkook, who has nothing. he goes to work at a laundromat in the evenings and on paycheck days, he brings home the envelope to his empty apartment building and eats whatever he can find. sometimes he takes the snacks that the other employees leave for him, but most of the time, he tells himself that he doesn’t need to.

his stomach has caved in a little, and he feels skinnier than he has in years. it’s okay, he tells himself. it’s okay. at night the laundromat is empty save for the few night owls and day laborers that have no other time to wash their clothes. jungkook can sweep and hum under his breath and no one will notice. he can pretend to dance with the broom and no one will be the wiser. he can stare out the window and count each twinkling diamond star in the sky and go one till the hundreds, until fog clouds over seoul make them disappear. jungkook can do all of these things at night, when the liminality of the city makes it easy to hold his breath.

jungkook dips his hands in the cold water of the sink, washing his hands and his face. he rubs at his cheeks and his nose, pushing away any water from his bangs and the curve of his chin. jungkook puts on the ugly apron that they all need to wear for the night shift and ties it around his waist, tugging it tight. it always manages to be loose no matter what he does.

his phone is plugged in and connected to the store’s wifi. it’s quiet, the sound of rushing cars and low, distant murmurs enough to lull him into a sense of security. his eyes flicker across the television screens for a while before going back to the one in front of him. the nighttime, the quietness - it always makes him silent and soft, waiting for something; someone; anything.

with nothing else to do, he does whatever he can on his phone by looking through his email, then his texts, then his bank account. when everything is done, he presses his fingers against the thin glass of his phone to keep in time with his rhythm games, tallying the points in his head - following, with his eyes, the black spots that move up and down. up and down. jungkook blinks his tired eyes and pulls back when he finishes with his song, absentmindedly pulling out a headphone when -

startles, looks up and jerks backward. there’s someone staring at him wide eyed and curious, his hair an ashen blonde from underneath his cap. jungkook jerks the other headphone from his left ear hard enough that it hurts. the stranger keeps staring for a moment, leaving jungkook with enough time to pull himself together. he leans forward on the stool he’s sitting on to balance himself.

“can i,” his words come out haltingly. “can i help you?”

“yeah,” the stranger says. “i need change for the soap machine.” he holds out a 10000 won bill. jungkook winces - numbers crossing his head - and wonders how much change that is. wonders if it’s too unprofessional of him to check on his phone.

the stranger puts a cigarette between his lips but it’s unlit; jungkook is thankful. the stench of cigarette smoke is awful. reminds him of the orphanage, where the matron used to smoke at the window every lunch hour. he counts out change from the little packets of coins that are provided for this very purpose and drops them all in the stranger’s outstretched hand. he pulls back soon after.

there’s only a couple of people in the laundromat - it’s nearing one am, after all. there’s a young girl who looks like she’s about to pass out from exhaustion with her head leaning against the washing machines, a middle aged man scrolling through his phone and rubbing a hand over his stubble, and a slightly older woman who looks harassed enough that it seems like something’s constantly on her mind. no one likes coming in at one am to do the laundry unless they have to. unless they have no other choice.

jungkook plugs his headphone in again and this time sets his head down on the counter, closing his eyes briefly. he’s long since learned to not sleep during the night, becoming used to the switched daylight. he doesn’t play any song, just revels in the quiet calm that wearing his headphones bring - the sound of the washers and driers are muted.

something thumps on his table. with a flutter of his lashes - he looks up at the blonde stranger. “i don’t need the rest,” he says, looking toward the register. jungkook presses his lips together and takes the rest of the change, carefully and slowly converting the rest into bills.

it’s tired and repetitive work. sometimes, he thinks that’s what he needs the most.

“that was a nice song,” the stranger starts, his voice low and a little awkward. jungkook looks up at him through his lashes, still keeping count in his head, still wanted to mouth the numbers so he doesn’t forget. “the one you couldn’t hear me over earlier. i liked it. what’s its name?”

jungkook finishes up and hands over the money to the stranger. his throat feels strangely clogged, but he replies anyway. “moonstar by eunha.” he’s downloaded all the songs off her album. he only wishes he could buy it, too.

“huh,” the stranger says. “never heard of her before.”

jungkook mutes nodly; sounds like something you’d say when you don’t know anything else to say. the stranger continues, “is she fairly new?”

“i guess,” jungkook shrugs. “i don’t follow celebrities.”

something odd crosses the stranger’s face. “only music, then?”

“yeah.” he looks down at his phone again, at the curved edges and the slight marks in the case from where he’s dropped it numerous times. it’s amazing that his phone’s screen hasn’t cracked yet. it’s obviously the end of the conversation - or so jungkook likes to think - when the stranger walks away toward a washing machine. a sigh of relief builds in his lungs. jungkook pushes at the screen of his phone and starts playing her song again. he’ll keep playing it until he’s sick and tired of the way it sounds, until he remembers every nuance of the voice in his ears. then he’ll move on.

that’s the end of it, jungkook thinks. that’s the end of it.

he rests his head on the tabletop again and listens to her sing; when you look at me with the sodden stars above us, it reminds me of a time that used to be...

when the song is done playing for the third or fourth time, jungkook hears the tapping of a finger and quietly pulls out his headphones again, face flushing at how distracted he is. he’s about to start again - how can i help you - when the same stranger from before glances up at him from where he’s on his own phone, lazily twirling a headphone cord around his finger.

“it’s a sad song,” starts the stranger. “didn’t think you’d be a sad song type.”

jungkook blinks, bewildered.

there’s a screen glowing in his face then; the official cover art of the song, already bought and loaded onto itunes on the stranger’s phone, playing slowly. he can hear the vague notes of it coming from his headphones; they’re pretty loud. moonstar - eunha.

“kinda fits you,” he continues. takes back his phone. “i mean.”

“songs fit people?” jungkook blurts out, immediately wishing he could take it back.

for the first time, the stranger smiles. it pulls back his lips to reveal that he smiles with his gums, full and wide, like a secret. he chuckles a little, looking a bit embarrassed, and then sets down his phone. “sounds stupid, huh? i think you’re the first person to ask me that, though.”

jungkook shrugs.

“i’m yoongi,” says the-stranger-turned-yoongi. something niggles at the back of his mind. something that yells this is a bad idea.

jungkook points to his nametag.

/

he thinks about the way yoongi’s voice sounds. jungkook wonders if he can tentatively label this as friendship, or if it’s something less. he’s only seen him once but - but it feels like an acquaintance, like a small beginning. like one of those people you meet once on the street, or at a store, or in passing, and remember them. you might have shared numbers, or snapchats, or instagrams - something that connects you for that one day you met, those three or four hours where you were friends. that’s what yoongi feels like. jungkook doesn’t have his number or his snapchat or his instagram, but he has a song.

the next night, yoongi comes in with a big bag of laundry. he hauls it right in front of jungkook’s counter at midnight exactly, sets it down at his feet, and jungkook opens his mouth to see if he wants change -

“have you ever heard of loki?” asks yoongi. “i think you’d like him.”

he holds out a headphone for jungkook to take. jungkook pulls at the strings of his work apron and says, “don’t you have laundry?”

“my roommate’s,” yoongi answers in a heartbeat. “if i don’t finish them today i’ll finish them tomorrow. here.” jungkook holds the headphone to his ear and leans forward so the cord doesn’t pull. it looks like an expensive headphone. he doesn’t say anything.

yoongi is right - it is his type of music, beginning to finish. there’s something distinctly calming about loki’s voice, a soothing jazz and r&b rolled into one tenor. jungkook finds himself humming along to the end of it.

“you catch on quick to melodies, huh?” yoongi takes back the headphone and loops it around his neck in an easy motion. “started singing by the end of it.”

“it was humming.”

“sounded good,” the other keeps going, smiling again. it makes him look younger, jungkook realizes. it makes him look less serious.

and then - and then something forms in his throat. it feels heavy and thick. almost like when he was young and got the flu, couldn’t talk for a week, couldn’t eat anything other than fluids and soup. almost like a sickness, almost just like that.

“do you need change?” jungkook asks, voice higher pitched to get rid of the scratchiness, and yoongi laughs.

he doesn’t stay for long, only a couple of hours. he takes jungkook’s phone and opens up a page in notes, types for a few moments while jungkook battles against the anxiety of having someone else take his phone. when he gives it back, there’s an entire list of songs to listen to. some of them jungkook recognizes - the artist or either the name - but others are some that he doesn’t recognize at all.

“i think you might like them,” yoongi starts, then hesitates. “i mean. maybe.”

something about his reluctance makes a warmth bloom in jungkook’s chest. “i’ll - i’ll check them out.”

he gives a one fingered salute and kicks his bag toward one of the washing machines. he still forgot his change, jungkook thinks.

/

when he gets home in the morning - yoongi left after a while, giving jungkook a quick wave of the hand as a goodbye before taking all the clothes in his bag and hoisting it over his shoulder - jungkook looks through all the music sites he knows for the songs. plays them one by one.

and when he’s starting on the last song, something called so far away by agust d, something catches in his throat - he doubles over, holding his chest, holding his chest, trying to grapple for breath in what seems like a desperate attempt to find himself and then -

he coughs out a single red petal.

it falls at the edge of his wrist and - and there, at the end of his wrist bone, is a smear of blood. a metallic taste fills his mouth and he opens his mouth wide - hyperventilating a little, he’s not going to lie, and pulls out a little stem of thorns. more petals, stuck between his molars and his uvula, or caught at the back of his throat. smells sweet, smells like blood.

jungkook coughs out pinpricks of blood and thinks to himself: oh no.

/

[ilovethealmonds]

OK, who’s ready for another story time with Rachel? This is for people who are interested in my own experiences but is also a way for me to look back on my thoughts and feelings. This is going to be a long one. Possibly a bit emotional

My 18th birthday was on the 26th July. I found out what one of my presents from my grandma was about 2 weeks ago.

She booked me a phone call with Merrill. I nearly had a breakdown when she told me. She had to tell me because I have really bad anxiety and do not like answering the phone if I don’t have the number saved, so if she left it as a surprise I never would have answered the phone.

This means that for the last 2 weeks I’ve been panicking/ stressing about this phone call. What was I going to say to him? What was he going to say to me? Will I even be able to speak? Even though I have met him twice before I haven’t had a really long conversation with him. It’s been: Walk up to him, Get my photo taken with him then say a few words and then get moved along by security. This time I was actually going to have a long conversation with him, properly be able to get my thoughts out (anxiety permitting) and properly thank him. I’ve thanked him before but this meant that I would be able to add a bit more to it. Explain myself a bit better than I would have been able to in a 30 second meeting.

I was more shocked because I was still on my high from the last time I met him which was last month (If you haven’t seen about that and would like to I wrote a post about my thoughts and feelings about it here) and now I am already going to be talking to him again? I couldn’t quite believe it! So it took a lot of processing (tbh I still haven’t processed it and it’s been over a day since the call. So maybe I never will)

The call was scheduled to happen at 6pm on the 25th. This was unable to happen due to Merrill being in an area with no signal and he was really busy with the aftermath of the pioneer pageant. The date and time was then changed to 6pm on the 26th. I was pleased about this if I’m being honest because it meant that: 1) He would speak to me on my actual birthday and 2) It gave me an extra day to gather my thoughts together.

So, my birthday came. I opened my card from my grandma and it had the Osmonds on (of course) and inside were tickets for  2 shows next month. Both in Leeds on Friday 11th and Saturday 12th. It’s for the UK hearing gala and I had mentioned how I wanted to go to it after the show last month. I also had an Osmonds cake (I’ll post pictures of both the cake and the card after)

My family leaves and 6pm arrives. I was so nervous, I was shaking, rocking backwards and forwards, thinking of every possible way the call could go wrong. 6:02 arrives and still no call. I started to panic.’why hasn’t he rang yet?’ I thought to myself. I then get a call from Tracey (Merrill’s UK agent) and she says “Merrill will be ringing in the next 10 minutes.” Now if I thought I was panicking before, it was nothing compared to the way I was panicking now. He is actually going to ring, and it’s gonna be soon. I tried taking some deep breaths, tried thinking calming thoughts but I was still extremely on edge.

6:15... My phone rings.

I take a deep breath and answer and say hello. A voice on the other end of the line immediately calms me in a way only Merrill Osmond’s voice can, “Hello Rachel?!” I say hi again, so happy that I am finally talking to him and he says “Rachel, it’s Merrill! How are you doing?” I laughed to myself in my head. As if he needs to tell me who he is. I say I’m doing really good and ask him how he is which he responds to saying he’s fine. He asked me what time it was and I told him, he then said “oh so I didn’t wake you up. That’s good then. Sometimes I make phone calls and I wake people up and I feel bad after.” he asks me how I’m doing again and I mention that it’s my 18th birthday and he says “18. Oh, you’re just a young whippersnapper” 

At this point I had so many thoughts rushing through my head. SO many things I wanted to say to him. So I decide to just tell him my story. I explain that he had helped me through so much and that I couldn’t even explain it. He then asked “aww, tell me a little bit about it, if you don’t mind” So I did. I told him my story. About my depression, about my anxiety, about my history with the Osmonds, about the documentary I saw where he himself was talking about his own experiences with the same things and how that made me feel like there was someone out there who had my back. I explained about how the Plan is my all time favourite album, about how much the album helped me. About how the message in the song “one way ticket to anywhere” helped me feel better not only about myself but about my life. “Wow, that’s awesome” I go on to say that I would not be where I am today without him. “Bless your little heart, you just made my whole month. Hearing your story like that makes me happy” This is the second time Merrill Osmond has said that I have made him happy and I was equally as shocked this time as I was last time. He goes on to talk about depression and then he says “We just gotta hold on to things that can keep us encouraged and keep us happy. So, if we can be that for you then that’s made my day”

We talk some more about some other stuff. About a playlist I have on my phone which is the only thing that can calm me when I’m having a panic attack. We talk for a minute about one of the songs on the playlist ‘up over the yukon’ which is one of my favourite songs and as Merrill said “That’s a pretty song” I highly recommend giving it a listen, I can pretty much guarantee you’ll fall in love with it.

“Well, I’m so glad you’ve made me a part of your life. That just makes me very happy today.” Now that’s three times he’s said that I’ve made him happy. Again, equally as shocked as before. “Hey, by the way, Happy Birthday!” The phone call could have just consisted of that and I would have been immensely happy. It does mean that ‘Happy Birthday’ from others does not have as much of an impact now that Merrill has said it to me.

That gave me a segue to talk about the gift of the tickets for the Gala next month. “OH! You’re coming?!” I reply that yes, I am and he says “Good! I’ll have a chance to give you a bear hug” 

We talk about the two times we’ve met and things he has said that have kept me going and that he probably hadn’t even realised how much they had helped me. One of these things was “I absolutely loved your spirit tonight, you’ve made me very happy” which you have probably noticed I have posted a lot and i have it in my description as well. Words cannot describe how him saying that made me feel. The fact that I could have made him happy after all he has done for me, I can’t even explain the feeling.

“What a nice phone call, this has made my whole day. Bless your little heart. Hey, listen, just know that you’re loved. And when I come over for the Gala and you’re there come up to me, I’ll be walking around, and lets meet up and have a little visit shall we?” I responded yes please and he said “alright sweetheart”

and then he said something that I know thinking about will lift my spirits on my darkest days and I would like to keep that message for myself.

After he said that he said “Alright buddy, love ya!” again, I was shocked, I was able to reply saying I loved him too and I thanked him. We said our goodbyes and hung up.

I feel like I don’t talk enough about how much I appreciate Merrill Osmond. There are very few entertainers out there that you feel have a true love and affection for their fans. Entertainers that truly care. On the phone to Merrill, I could hear it in his voice, I could hear it in the things he said and the way he said them. And when I’ve met him I’ve seen it in his face. This is a man who TRULY cares. When I told him I’d be at the show next month he sounded genuinely happy about it. He’s the one that has now mentioned twice that he wants to sit and talk to me (once at Blackpool last month and again on the phone) He wanted to hear my story and really listened when I told it. You can feel that he cares, you can feel the warmth of his spirit radiating off of him.

This entire experience is one I will never forget. Because of my anxiety, whenever I get off the phone I mentally pick apart everything that happened in the call, feeling sick to my stomach, feeling like I messed up the entire call, judging myself because of it and mentally punishing myself for it by over analysing. Yet a strange thing happened when I got off the phone with Merrill. There was no panic, there was not the usual pain in my chest or the usual burning pain in my forehead, I also occasionally suffer from twitches because of my anxiety after a phone call or a social interaction that I feel like I had messed up yet there were no twitches either. Only this overwhelming sense of calm and peace. I am reminded of an Osmonds song called ‘Peace’ in the chorus it goes “for where there is love, there is peace” and I feel like this is the perfect example of exactly that.

I am yet to stop smiling, what an amazing birthday I am never going to forget!