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jorrated · 1 year

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Now I'm curious, what's your interpretation of Yume Nikki? /gen

OOHH!!!! Putting my extensive and extremely personal thoughts under a cut, cause it's going to be a long one

(like. fr. it's around 3.8k words long. click read more at your own risk.. plus spoiler warning + suicide discussion + mental health in general + some real artsy fartsy stuff)

1. DREAM ANALYSIS BULLSHIT THEORY

Just a little pre-ramble before my actual interpretation of the game, I wanna talk a little bit about dreams! I said on a previous post that it's almost impossible to decipher dreams from an outsider perspective, as not only people have their own symbology but dreams sometimes don’t even mean anything. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t instrumentalize dreams as something useful.

(Honestly you don’t have to read this part, I just wanted to rant about my views on psychoanalysis, since its a pseudoscience n all but I think its neat! Feel free to skip tho, I wont blame you. And whenever you see a block of text like this, bold and italics between parentheses, it’s just going to be a comment on mine and some opinions I have. It’s usually something that isn’t that related my interpretation of the game, but I felt like talking about it. So feel free to skip these too! :>)

Psychoanalysis is pseudoscience and Freud was a stupid bitch, HOWEVER, we can make something useful out of it! For example, projection. Projection is, in a simplified way, when you project your self onto others. And that situation, regardless if it is an actual projection of your own self, can help you to realize some aspects of yourself. Again, regardless if you are ACTUALLY projecting yourself, if that person has the same characteristics as you, or if you have the characteristic you think you are projecting, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you can analyze that situation, and yourself by proxy. And if you abstract things enough we can realize that projection is just another way of saying “we can only understand the world from our point of view”, which means we think everyone goes through life with the same perspective we have, because that’s the only one we can have. I can’t access other’s point of view in pureness, as I will forever have my own personal experiences back seating, so yes, I will forever project my point of view onto others, because that’s my own and only way of viewing stuff.

But that doesn’t mean I can’t see those “projection moments” and analyze why I do those projections. For example I can dislike someone for being annoying and be like “Wait, hold on. Am I annoying? Is this me projecting or just common sense”. And regardless if it is actual projecting, I can think about my negative feelings. Maybe I just want someone who’s worse than me, maybe this is a weird way of self hatred, maybe I just don’t want to deal with the fact I’m annoying. All of those can be true or false, but the thinking process can lead me to analyze myself and become someone better.

And this is something I extend to dream analysis, as it very much doesn’t have a proven reality or a method, but it’s something we can use to understand someone’s point of view! If done right, of course. So it doesn't matter if dreams have obscured "true real" meanings to them or not, what matter is what we are able to gleam from it and try to understand the dreamer’s point of view.

I'm going to try to do a dream analysis, which will take both Freudian and Jungian analysis beats, as I do believe neither theory has a perfect method, but they are the most prominent theories that I'm familiar with. While Freud takes every dream as a glimpse of the subconscious, which shows repressed desires and impulses, Jung only considers dreams that resonates with the person to be relevant. In my opinion, no dream has an actual meaning, but we can abstract it into something useful, so even small details can reveal something about someone, even if that something is so small that some may consider it irrelevant. And I also don’t consider dreams to work as a “pathway” to the subconscious, as dreams are not limited to desirable actions/events only, given that nightmares exist and all.

And PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD don’t take anything I say about psychoanalysis or Jung or dream analysis as like the actual theories. I’m a psychology student and we do study Freud’s theories (haven’t gotten to Jung yet), but I’m still going through my classes and it’s very easy to just fumble the theories since they’re written in the most confusing way possible. SO don’t quote me on any of this, this is all for fun!

2. MY ACTUAL INTERPRETATION

FINALLY, here’s what I see in Yume Nikki! I tried to divide all my points by events, effects, places n all that stuff, just to keep myself organized, tho because a lot of it is just symbology interpretation, but lots of these overlap so it can get confusing. Plus I have MANY readings on the game, some of which don’t work perfectly together, since the game can get pretty “dense”, so I’ll try to write everything down in categories and by the end, attempt to put some of the bigger theories together in a more organized manner.

(LOL. I wrote this thinking I really could just write all my thoughts around Yume Nikki in one go, comical. I only really go into my interpretation of the effects here, and I think I’ll try to write more about my theories and interpretations, so just know this is incomplete)

2.1. EFFECTS

In my eyes, the effects were always “sections” of Madotsuki personality and self. Given she’s the only one in the game able to utilize them, but also she obtains them through interacting with others. Just like personality traits, we hardly ever just become what we are by existing, and we are molded through the experiences with have with others and the world around us.

Each trait can be noticeable or minor, but they are what forms the self, which may include how we view certain things, ourselves, others and concepts. That results into day to day impacts, like us acquiring certain hobbies, but it also can impact how we view difficult topics like death, relationship to others and so on.

Which I find interesting since when dropping the effects onto the nexus, they become these little egg thingies, an action that is necessary to finish the game. Being divorced from aspects of yourself for you to be able to take a leap out of balcony, gives me a lot of possible readings.

The least metaphorical one being Mado just leaving everything behind to commit suicide, in which the effects could be her negating what she considers flaws. Even if they aren’t strictly flaws, for someone to take their own life they need to be in such a horrible mental state that could skew their self-perspective to be strictly negative. And “leaving” those aspects behind to be “free” of them is, unfortunately, the logic that some people dealing with suicidal thoughts go through.

However, putting the effects into the nexus, could also mean the complete opposite. By making them concrete and physical, onto the nexus, the link between her dreams (subconscious) and her dream room (preconscious – located on the subconscious, but allows and negates the passage of information to consciousness) could mean acceptance of those aspects. Looking and manifesting the effects could be a metaphor for coming to terms with herself, even if some aspects could be seem as flaws by Mado’s eyes. This could have the same conclusion like the previous hypothesis, resulting in a suicide, but because she accepted she had “too many flaws”, also another sad reality. But if taken into the account that the suicide isn’t a desire to die, but a leap of faith to a new life (killing your old self basically), this could be a better and positive ending. Fist step for a change is acceptance and all that jazz.

Another possibly is that the effects aren’t personality traits, but specific memories that impacted her in one way or another through her life. In that read you can go either way with the accepting or rejecting of those memories, as described before. But the context would have different tone I think, because in this way, the effects could symbolize traumatic events that lead Mado to be in this state of mind, events that she has to accept and move on, or deny what happened and live possibly haunted by it.

Either way! Here’s some of the effects I think are most relevant:

2.1.1 Knife

While a lot of people see this as Mado’s violent tendencies, I always saw it as a defense mechanism, like pushing others away (and maybe even hurting others, but not limited to only physical violence) to protect yourself. This goes with the themes of constant isolation and silence her dreams have. With the few times an entity actively interact with you, the Toriningen, is triggered by the stabbing.

How I see this is Mado’s pushing other’s away, to be kept from being hurt. And that is seen how, regardless if she uses the knife on a passive character, they disappear (effectively cutting any interaction with them) or an active character like the Toriningen (forcefully isolating Mado), it ends with Mado being alone. In connection with some NPC’s moving away from her when she holds a knife, and hostile Toriningens isolating her without triggering them, this might be a reaction of how others have reacted to this self-isolating behavior Mado has, and has had for a while probably.

It’s also notably found on the emptiest and darkest world on all the dream zones (Dark World), probably how Mado feels about this actions. While mostly alone and quite, the zone still has a few NPCs, most of them barely reacting to anything Madotsuki does, but one follows her around the world (I think his name is Follony), giving that lingering feeling that despite everything, it still feels like there’s someone trying to get in. Regardless if there really is someone trying to get in, Mado may have some type of paranoia with others interacting with them, perceiving their attempts as prodding or “chasing”.

2.1.2. Medamaude

Somewhat similar to the knife, I think this is also related to Mado’s isolation. While the knife is the action of pushing other away, the Medamaude is the avoidance of others and her own behaviors. Often used to escape the rooms Toriningen put you on, I think Mado may have the behavior of simply turning a blind eye to these situations (literally closing your eyes and fist to escape), as a form of either coping or self defense.

2.1.3. Cat

Here’s where the messiness I mentioned before. I think the cat is Mado’s desire to be able to talk to other and be able to interact with them. While it seems contradicting with what I just wrote about the knife and Medamaude, I do think despite Mado’s self isolation, she still desires someone to trust or be able to have friends. It’s paradoxical, but it’s a common feeling many have, specially teenagers. Having success into pushing others away can actually be extremely painful, as the person is not being hurt specifically by others, but also does not have a support net or healthy (and necessary) interactions to build off.

The cat being a symbol for that is quite fitting, being an animal who many consider the cutest, but also having an image of being “distant”. Many people (usually people who don’t have cats) see them as “less loving” than other pets, like dogs for example, because they don’t understand the different ways cats show affection.

Madotsuki may want to be like that, be perceived as approachable and cute, but still able to maintain a distance, without getting “suffocated” by the relationships. This theory can also be supported by the fact when meowing she resembles the Maneki-neko, a Japanese talisman that is associated with good fortune and wish fulfillment. While the original and most common variant is white, a pink Maneki-neko is often associated with love, romance and relationships in general, so once again, bringing that desire for human interaction.

One thing of note too, is that the cat effect is slightly annoying to get, as the kitty-coin you get it from moves quite quickly, in comparison to other NPCs. This may be indicative that, while desirable, Mado finds difficulty into manifesting this approachable appearance, probably due to the established self-isolation mentioned before.

2.1.4. Triangle Kerchief and Nopperabou

Not gonna do a big text for these, I’m sure you already got it and are tired of me writing about isolation. Could mean feeling invisible, not being seen or that people don’t care about you (or are even afraid). Disassociation and reality detachment can also be a thing here.

2.1.5. Frog, Dwarf, Poop Hair, Fat and Buyo-buyo

These could all be representations of how Madotsuki is afraid of been seen as, or already perceives herself as. Although self-explanatory, these are very common anxieties teenagers (and adults) have, that can be extremely distressing and impacting in their mental health, regardless if those traits are actually negative (like there’s nothing wrong with being fat, short or be a little person). But, because of social and cultural notions of beauty standards, people who deviate from them are often made fun of, with some extreme cases of bullying leading to suicide or intense harm.

And me, while not being Japanese or having any deep understanding of the culture, have the impression that the norms there, are way harsher than here on Brazil (or America in general). While, yes, the social pressure and even stigmatization to look a certain way is definitely a problem in all countries, but with some examples like young girls starving themselves a few days before their weighting in health check ups (because they happen in the school and everybody knows everybody’s numbers), lead me to imagine just how the huge damage that can have in someone’s psyche, specially in a young girl.

For the frog effect I imagine it’s in association of feeling ugly in general, or even having acne (as some species of frogs have bumpy skin). Again, very subjective and not even inherently bad, but in associations of stories like the “frog prince” and saying like “ugly as a toad”, there is a cultural stigma with not fitting in visually. And again again, can have an immense impact in one’s mental health, confidence and self esteem.

And for the Poop hair, I have two readings: one in relation of poor hygiene as consequence of debilitating mental health problems, and the anxiety of been seen as stupid. The second one is also pretty self explanatory, it’s not nice to feel like you’re unintelligent. Grading specifically comes to mind, as Japan infamously has a harsh discipline between students by publishing their grades for everyone to see, even low grades. It’s something that already is difficult to deal with, as it feels like a spotlight is put onto you, but also, even more so if someone is struggling with psychological issues, which will discourage them to study at something that they already might be struggling at.

The mental health aspect can also affect the personal hygiene of someone, as mentioned. Some depressive episodes can lead to people not leaving their beds for days, which can lead to unpleasant smells, and in extreme cases even have excretions happen in bed. It’s something that is extremely sensitive to talk about, because it’s a humiliating experience to anybody, but it is a facet of mental health that is often unexplored. While unpleasant, some people may not have the will to get up and clean themselves, while simultaneously being deeply ashamed. Independent if Madotsuki is at that stage, I think she has anxieties of being seen as unhygienic, perhaps even as a burden to her caretakers (another common fear of people in this situation). Some people think her room is the full apartment, but I always saw as just a room, as we don’t see a bathroom or somewhere to cook, and that might explain why it’s pretty clean and organized, despite Mado’s clear debilitating mental health, as her parents would take care of her.

(Unrelated because I’m going to make a silly comment right after such a sensitive topic, but it’s actually insane how some people completely ignore some themes cause they seem stupid or gross, like poop. I know we live in a society that goes “hee hee poop funny ha ha” like those deranged poopie unicorn kids toys, but it’s like. Really important to take things seriously if you want to talk about depression and mental health? I don’t know man, it bothers me how some people sometimes just woobify depression and simply fucking ignore some aspects cause they’re “gross”. Just really dehumanizing. Like people will have sympathy for people who cut, but treat those with such low energy they physically cannot go to the bathroom as freaks. Not that we shouldn’t have sympathy for those who self harm, that isn’t at all what I’m saying, but this condition IS ALSO A FORM OF SELF HARM CAUSED BY EXTREME DEPRESSION. Sigh.)

2.1.6. Long Hair and Blonde Hair

In contrast with the previous effects, these two could indicate what Madotsuki wants to look like, or be seen as. Long hair is considered very feminine through many cultures and also as beautiful, so maybe that’s the desire. Mado’s hair already seems long, due to the pigtails having that length, so maybe it’s something else, like letting her hair free from the braids. Another theory, that relates to the hygiene topic mentioned, it’s that it’s someone common to tie hair up when it’s dirty, but a bun or a ponytail could be uncomfortable to sleep in, while the pigtails would suit much better.

The blonde hair however, many people associate with beauty, and sure it can be beautiful, but in Japan it’s quite uncommon. Once again, dunno much about Japanese culture, but there’s a few examples of people with blonde hair going to Japan and being stared at, mostly cause it’s uncommon, and maybe associated with Gyaru fashion, which can be seen as garish. It’s something that may have been changing currently, with international media and even Japanese celebrities dyeing their hair, but it still seems there’s a social stigma around it. So I’m not really sure how to interpret it. One reading could be that Mado would like to change her appearance, y’know? Just have a big change, I don’t know. This one (and the last 2 effects) kinda leave me stumped a bit.

2.1.7. Lamp and Stoplight

Beside the knife and the Bike, I think these two are the most iconic effects in the game! But beside that I think they can hold a lot of interpretations, from the most surface stuff to some abstract philosophy bullshit.

Starting with the lamp, I think it can either be just that, a lamp with dream logic. But also, I have a few other readings about it. One of them being Madotsuki’s desire to be able to clearly see things, as in being able to understand her struggles and how the world works. Specifically on teenhood, people start to develop a lot of the questionings about how things work, which often is confused with just having and attitude or being rebellious. Being curious about the world and it’s functioning is normal, and it is also extremely common with mentally ill children, because they struggle to understand their negative feelings and wish to “solve” them. By having a lamp as the head, it could mean Madotsuki is trying to be “rational” about her issues, trying to see things fully without any shadows obscuring her perception. If it’s effective is another can of worms, but it’s comforting to a light (explanation) for an issue.

Another theory of the lamp that I have, is that it could possible symbolize how Mado feels about having mental issues, as if it something that everyone can notice, bright and noticeable. Not only an anxiety of being visibility mentally ill a very common anxiety people who are mentally ill worry about, but the heat of the lamp can also bring a new meaning to “burn with shame”.

For the stoplight, I actually side with the people some kind of traffic accident must have happened with Madotsuki (at least) around to witness it. She being able to control how others react may be an indication of how she wish she could actually do that, maybe to stop a traffic accident, maybe to stop someone’s actions that seem malicious, so on. Although it’s something I think I can only explain by going over some of the theories I have.

2.1.8. Umbrella, Hat and Scarf, Towel and Bicycle

These items, to me, don’t need to have specific meaning themselves, as they are very common everyday items and might just be that. I often dream I wear flip flops, but to me it doesn’t feel like a metaphor for anything, as I wear them everyday in my house. So these give me the impression of just that, representation of something that is considered normal and present on her life.

Although, the umbrella, bicycle and hat/scarf could indicate Mado’s desire to go outside. These could also be items that USED to be normal everyday items, but no longer are due to her being stuck insider her room. And highlighting the bicycle on it’s on, it’s a way of transportation that is very freeing, due to the person riding it being the one in control (different from taking the train or a car ride).

In contrast, the towel can be the comfort she feels by being inside and/or the fear of going outside. When using the effect, Mado sneezes, indicating she’s sick, so maybe there’s an association that she gets sick very often, probably by going outside. And that can corroborate the umbrella and hat/scarf, as they would protect her from getting sick (protect her from the outside).

2.1.9. Severed Head, Yuki-onna, Witch and Oni

While these could be an indication of Madotsuki “feeling like a monster”, or displaced, it could easily be an indication of just an interest in the supernatural and fantasy. Specially the witch effect that resembles Kiki from Kiki’s delivery service. I don’t think it’s a stretch to say Madotsuki (and Kikiyama by extent) may be a fan of Ghibli films, given Uboa can also be a reference to No Face.

2.1.10. Neon and Flute

Dude I don’t fucking know. LMAO. Maybe she likes playing the flute and think neons are cool. But for real, they may be simply just that, as again, not everything needs to have a “”deep”” meaning like I have for the others.

But if I HAD to come up with something, I’d say the neon effect is Mado’s desire to be noticed and the flute the desired to either be heard or create something. And both can be an indication that Madotsuki has an affinity for art, given the drastically changing style of her dreams, something that can happen with people who play and experiment with art often.

(ay. i was going to write more but hey i got tired so that's it for today. hope you liked my insane ramblings!)

#yume nikki #APOLOGIES IF SOME OF THIS DOESNT MAKE SENSE #didnt proof read plus idk if its comprehensible at all #srry for party rocking (being artsy fartsy about yume nikki)#id love to hear what people think about this #and honestly if i could get some criticism on how it write #idk if i just overcritical or if i actually write in a weird way #def have a hard time to make things succinct

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pinkspiraling · 1 year

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This might be a rlly rlly stupid suggestion that doesn’t solve anything, so I’m so sorry if it is, but I thought I’d offer it anyways just in case it might help. If the part about getting your oil changed that scares you is dropping it off at a mechanics shop or leaving it with other people, would it help to learn how to do it yourself? Oil changes are one of the fastest and easiest things to learn how to do at home without needing a bunch of tools or anything, and then the situation would be in your control, which might help with the anxiety.

that is a good suggestion, maybe i will look into it. probably not this time but maybe next time! i think i’d worry that i’d fuck it up haha

—this made me analyze my fear tho! which really helped and now i feel pretty confident in going. thank u anon! genuinely thank u sm! (word vomit under the cut)

actually though this made me think through what exactly i’m scared of and i realized it’s bc if something goes wrong and i’m not able to drive my car home then i have no way of leaving a situation that will make me super anxious. i’m thinking tho and i only live a couple minutes away, my sister is off today and could easily come pick me up within ten minutes. if i had to walk it would probably only take me about twenty minutes to get home. i actually CAN leave the situation! and if i’m scared and don’t know what to do i can call my mom and she’ll answer quickly. i have no reason to think that the oil is that bad tho. my dad topped it off in december but i haven’t actually gotten it changed since maybe september. so that’s not great but it’s not like the light is on or anything. it’s probably fine, i haven’t taken it on any big drives since then. i haven’t noticed any issues so i don’t expect there to be issues. if there are issues i will call my mom and ask her what to do. and if i embarrass myself i will simply be fulfilling their expectations that i’m a young girl who doesn’t know anything about cars and i have no problem filling that role honestly! i actually prefer it like yes i’m clueless about this stuff don’t expect anything else from me pls. i feel way more calm about it :) they just opened so i’m gonna get ready and go so i can just get it over with

#pinky promise i’ll answer #it’s really hard for me to think through my fear cause uh it’s scary! but i forget that thinking it through gives me solutions

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megaawkwardhuman · 1 year

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eh it's about damn time I do something like this

hi hey hello I'm Icarus (1 no that's not my actual name 2 yes like that dude who flew too close to the sun) but I'm also fine being called Virgo (also not my actual name) here's some shit about me read it if you want

as my description states I use he/him pronouns, I'm an INTP, and I'm a virgo for those who care

currently REALLY into what we do in the shadows but I also like our flag means death, hannibal, the band ghost, re-animator, watcher, good omens, the world of mr plant and more but like if I reblog or like something it's most likely about one of these 8 things

wrote a short post season 4 nandermo fic with a plot I accidentally kinda used twice (whoops) and I'm currently working on a few wwdits fic wips (though idk if I'm gonna finish them anytime soon)

made a what we do in the shadows uquiz if you wanna check it out it tells you what you would be if you were in the universe (like vampire, human, werewolf ect etc)

alright enough restating shit that's in my little description thing states and promoting stuff I made here's some more shit about me:

I have dyslexia (whoever named it that need to be thrown into a pit of spikes I hate spelling it sooooo much) and possibly have ADHD

asks are currently open so feel free to ask me what my favorite color is or whatever

DMs are also open so if you wanna chat cool cool just send me a photo of a frog or something to let me know you're not a bot

guess I'm kinda a fanfic writer now? wow that feels weird to say but it's true

I do art but don't expect me to post it much except every once in a blue moon welp ya boy is on a creative kick sooooo for now ignore that last part

I draw bunnies A LOT (if you're curious as to why I made a post about it WARNING THO IT'S LOOOONG)

guillermo from wwdits, nandor from wwdits, dib from invader zim, and stede from ofmd are my little blorbos and I relate to them for one reason or another (whatever that says about me I don't care to know)

I keyboard smash A LOT

I really hope nobody that I know stumbles across my tumblr considering some of the shit I put on here (if you know me irl and you're reading this no you're not)

I love to over analyze shit in stuff I like

You'll probably picked up on this quick but the tag #throwing up my thoughts onto tumblr again is what I tag posts that are well me just throwing up my thoughts onto tumblr (like if I realize something about myself or I do something stupid) for whatever reason (most likely cause I'm bored)

follow for random reblogs and shit about my hyperfixations :)

#finally made an intro post #yay me :D

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leofrith · 1 year

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top 5 ac valhalla moments!! (from @mariathorpe <3)

me when i volunteer to rank things i like and then people actually ask me to rank things i like: oh nooooo this is so hard 😭😭🤡😭

i have a lot of "best moments" from this game but i wanted to include a few that i feel don't get enough appreciation/are generally overlooked in favour of the bigger moments. in no particular order (except for maybe the first one lmao):

the leaving valhalla scene. 1000/10 it wins no contest. it makes me cry every time. i've already written a stupid amount about this scene so i'll spare you this time 😭

"he loved you, that is all." when eivor is saying goodbye to styrbjorn during the second norway arc. when eivor has already begun to realize that she would make the same choice her father did to protect her loved ones but isn't ready to admit it out loud yet because she has spent half her life believing her father was a coward for something he did out of a love she now understands. chewing glass about it.

the whole "when did our lives become a saga, synin?" exchange from the siege of paris. the amount of times eivor talks about her mother in that dlc almost makes up for the lack of her in the main game. rosta you'll always be famous to me. <3

eivor's holmgang with kjotve and the following memory corridor scene when she "meets" odin for the first time. sooooo many little things to pick apart and over analyze about that scene.

the entirely non-verbal exchange between eivor and randvi after eivor kills dag. when randvi reaches out to touch eivor and she pulls away from her like it burns. SO much happening there in my head. <3

some (many) other honorable mentions because i am a self-indulgent little cheater:

with the amount of screentime leofrith has i'm just gonna say his scenes count as a "moment" because i have problems <3. but i also love the amount of notes both written by or about him that you can find around the map that build up his character despite him having very little actual time in the game.

oswald and rued's holmgang is so good!!!! the music, the way eivor clearly wants to interfere but knows that oswald needs to fight this battle on his own. like watching a car wreck in slow motion. delicious.

the campfire scene. every time i watch it i find more tiny details to pick apart. also it's one of the best looking cutscenes in the game like ??????

eivor finding fulke's "gift" in canterbury. i wish there had been that much urgency to eivor's actions the entire time sigurd was missing and, furthermore, i just wish there was more to their relationship because i find it really hard to care about sigurd without all the extra headcanon-y stuff that only exists in my head.

the scene you get when you make vili jarl in snotinghamscire and the way they look at each other as eivor is leaving. i am fucking launching myself into outer space about it!!!!!

eivor trick-or-treating in glowecestre (we never got to hear eivor's singing voice that gunnar kept talking about, darby i am in your walls).

the little trick hytham pulls when he jumps off the cliff in front of eivor and gives her a heart attack. i think he does that often and it's his favourite little prank to pull and that little scene informs so much of his character for me.

#thank you!!! <3 #i'm probably gonna look at this later and be like 'OH NO I FORGOT ABOUT--' but these are a few that come to mind #this took me like an hour but we don't need to talk about that #answer #mariathorpe #ask games

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emotionalheadsupport · 10 months

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Relationships can be hard, specially when you have kids or have a long distance relationship. When you are arguing about something, doesn't really matter at all right now. Because the thing I will talk about is about the words and the meaning during these argues. Behind every word you say, it has a meaning. Behind every action you take, it has a meaning. If your spouse talks about something over and over again, you might want to listen to the meaning and not just the words. If your spouse always act the same during, we say emotional stress. IT HAS A MEANING! Take a moment and analyze it. Repeat it in your head. EVERY WORD AND ACTION HAS A MEANING. You can't say stupid things during an argument and blame it on your feelings, and say it doesn't mean or matter. Because it does! Your words mean a lot, not just for the person who hears it, but for yourself too. Because it has either a thought or a feeling from you, when you say it. I can take a personal example. When me and my husband argued about parenting a few weeks ago, we both had these big big feelings. He said one thing that broke me inside and out. My emotions went crazy and I said "fuck off". These words are not my typical words I use in my everyday language. After I have calm myself down, I started to think about what I said to him. I realized why I said what I said. I wanted him to leave me alone, and close his mouth. When I talk to people about this kind of stuff, people many times says that they don't mean things they say or do. But if you think about it on a deeper level, you'll start to understand your own body and mind. During hot arguments and emotions, we can't really control everything, right? False. WE CAN if you really want and if you have the ability to handle it right. Many people with autism and ADHD have a impulse control problem. If you don't have the right tools for the problem you can't really solve the problem right.

#language #life quotes #inspiration #relationship quotes #relationship #words #speakout #love quotes #take notes

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nicklloydnow · 10 months

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“BLVR: I asked because the press materials for the album came with a very long list of things that you like and dislike, including things like insects and animals and oscillation.

JJ: Yeah, we just tried to put together a list of things rather than just do the traditional Jim and Carter met while creating music for a film, blah, blah, blah. Of course, in the end, I think they gave you something like that too. We just wanted something a little less formulaic for people to read. Some sort of random thoughts about our inspirations in general. We’re not really interested in explaining things. We don’t really analyze ourselves. I have that a lot with my films too. People ask me what things mean, and I have no idea! When you make a film, it’s like two years later that people are asking you about it, and you’re not even the same person. It’s sort of the same with a record. It’s hard for me, in particular, to talk about things I created, because I’m not analytical. I need to protect a kind of mystery for myself.

(…)

BLVR: I read an interview where you said it was hard for you to appreciate your own films because of the process of creating them and the time lag before they’re released. Do you feel the same way about your music?

JJ: In a way, but a bit less for several reasons. One, I’m very involved in the music and in its creation, but I’m collaborating on a little more of a basic level with other people. In a film, I’m collaborating with a lot of people to realize it, but I’m sort of the captain of the ship, because I wrote it, I cast it, I will be in the editing room. But I can never see it again for the first time. That’s impossible because of how it’s created. The beauty of films is they are like a dream that you enter, and unless you’ve seen it before, you don’t know where it’s taking you. Music is similar, although music is less dependent on an image or a narrative, so it’s even more abstract and beautiful in a way. But it doesn’t take as long to create. That’s a difference. I’m sorry; I’m not being very articulate. There’s a difference and a similarity and I’m not making them very clear. They’re not very clear to me, I guess.

(…)

BLVR: Do you ever find you’re on an airplane, thinking, You know, I haven’t caught up on all the Twilight films? Do you watch mass-market movies, or do you tend to only watch obscure Indian dramas?

JJ: No, I’m not hierarchical. I have my preferences, but because I really, deeply love the craft of filmmaking, I, of course, like masterful filmmakers’ work. But I watch all kinds of stuff. On a plane recently I watched Cruella. I love the Naked Gun movies because they’re so stupid. I’m sort of amazed by the John Wick movies, just by how many people he can kill. I haven’t seen the Twilight movies. And I have particular things I will never see. I will never see any Star Wars films, because I resent that I know so much about them and the characters. Why is all that in my head when I’ve never actually seen one, you know? Why do I know about R2-D2 and Darth Vader and all these things when I’ve never even seen any Star Wars film? I’ve never seen Gone with the Wind and I never will, just because I feel like it’s forced on me and it’s some kind of corny thing.

But these are very subjective, just kind of stubborn things on my part. I don’t like mass things being shoved on me, but I will go see them. Like The Terminator is a masterpiece of cinema. It’s a big action movie, essentially. So I don’t really differentiate. But I have to tell you one thing I hate—and you can just do a little test yourself: watch any recent action-oriented movie and look for any shot that’s more than three seconds long. I find that really insulting and shit filmmaking: like they have to keep it moving every three seconds. And that’s the longest they’ll leave a shot on! And then cut. One second, cut! Two seconds, cut! Three seconds, cut! Man, I get a headache. I just turn it off. I’m like, Come on, man, go to film school! Watch something! Go read a book! Look at a painting! Look at something. This is nonsense. I can’t stand that.

(…)

JJ: I believe in this kind of aesthetic synesthesia, where certain things suggest something else to your senses. Rothko’s a great example because his work is meditative. You can go into another place under the influence of a visual thing like that. And of course, there’s the beautiful piece of music “Rothko Chapel” that Morton Feldman created, inspired by the paintings or the feeling of them or that kind of meditative place you could go. So we put that in there because we love when certain things suggest another form like that. Or you smell something and you think of a color. It really speaks to me when the work of painters or musicians suggests another form. I don’t know how to explain it any more than the openness of that kind of synesthesia.

BLVR: In addition to filmmaking and music, you make collages. Are there more creative outlets that you have?

JJ: Yeah, I write poems. For a long time, I studied with Kenneth Koch. The New York School of Poets are kind of my godfathers throughout everything I make—movies as well. That’s why I’m so happy we have these John Ashbery poems on Silver Haze. I’m preparing a new series of collages. I have one book of collages that I put out and I’m working on a new little book. It’s not quite ready. I am going to have a show in Paris, and then I’m going to have a show of my collages next year in LA. They’re all very small and sort of unassuming and very minimal. So yeah: films, music, collages. I write poems; I write essays, sort of; and sort-of prose poems. I do a lot of writing as well. Not like elaborate fiction projects. I’m not writing a novel or anything like that. But I love poems, too, because like in music, the spaces in between sort of accumulate into the overall thing. And my collages are very minimal. And they’re about reappropriating images and reduction, and removing things and substituting things—very minor ways of altering your perception of the visual image. I like a lot of things. Not just art. I’m an amateur mycologist: I’ve been trying to learn mushroom identification for twenty years now. I observe birds and animals and try to learn about different types of moss, of which there are so many varieties. For a while I just was obsessed with the history of motorcycle design, especially European and Japanese. I get sucked into tangents because I’m really a kind of dilettante. I don’t consider that a negative thing. There’re so many things that are interesting to me that I can’t imagine not being kind of scatterbrained, in a way.

(…)

BLVR: Wow, that’s great. Personally, I just rewatched all the Twilight movies and did a lot of emotional eating. Not to keep throwing your words back in your face, but your press materials said that SQÜRL sometimes likes “the score better than the film.” I was thinking of Judgment Night, but were you thinking of anything in particular?

JJ: No, not really. This is not really answering that. But I get very annoyed by how music and film seem to be all, I don’t know, cut from the same ream of cloth. The world has so much diversity of music, so why do these commercial films all sound the fucking same, you know? But that’s sort of the opposite of what you’re asking. I love the fact that some scores of recent films have come not from John Williams or other traditional Hollywood kinds of shit. People like Nick Cave and Warren Ellis have made some beautiful scores for films. Trent Reznor and Atticus what’s-his-name [Ross] made some beautiful scores. I’ve watched a few films only because Nick and Warren scored them. Otherwise, I might not even have been attracted to them. The scores are very important and also sometimes extremely annoying. I don’t like it when the score is designed to tell you how to feel about everything, which is often the case. I find it sort of condescending and insulting. As someone who loves how films are made, why does the music have to tell you how to feel? It seems kind of lame.

BLVR: How do you fight against that?

JJ: First of all, whoever’s making the music, whether it’s me or it’s the RZA or Tom Waits, I don’t give them specific places to score. I don’t say, Here are the cues, I want to score here, I want melancholy music here. I don’t do that. I talk about the atmosphere of the film and encourage them—or encourage myself, if I am doing it—to make music that is derived from the feeling of the film. Then we’ll take it and play with it in the editing room and see where the film likes it. That alleviates a lot of that idea of trying to tell the audience what’s going on or how they should feel. Instead, it’s adding another landscape like painting in the sky. That, to me, makes the most beautiful music because it becomes part of the fabric of the film.

(…)

BLVR: You once said, “Nothing is original. Steal from anywhere that resonates with inspiration.” Hollywood really likes to reboot things. So if people started rebooting your movies, would you be OK with that?

JJ: What does that mean, “reboot”?

BLVR: Where they basically redo your entire film but update it with a new cast or some other twist. Like if they redid Stranger Than Paradise with the High School Musical cast.

JJ: Oh yeah, I think that’d be very amusing. I have to clarify what I mean by “stealing.” I don’t condone, like, if my neighbor wrote a script and I read it and then I took his script and made a film out of it before he could. However, in my case, that’s not really a problem. If someone stole my script, they wouldn’t make the same thing I would make, you know? At the same time, it’s not cool to take something someone hasn’t realized. But if anything in the world has been realized already, I don’t see why it can’t be sampled or imitated. I don’t understand why that should be prevented. If you steal a riff from somebody and then make that the opening of “Stairway to Heaven,” which Led Zeppelin did. Led Zeppelin is a great band, but they just blatantly stole blues songs and then said they wrote them. That’s just kind of bullshit. You should credit the things you steal from. You should rejoice in them! You should say, I was inspired by this. You shouldn’t say, No, that came from me. I did that all myself. Right? That’s kind of bullshit. But I think all human expression is like waves in the ocean. And if you sample something in a hip-hop song, you’re taking it somewhere else; you’re using it as an element in something you’re making now. Nothing’s really original. There are only a small number of stories you can tell. There’s just an infinite number of ways to tell that story. So it’s not cool to take something someone else did verbatim and say you did it. That’s just lame, but anything should be free to be inspiration.

BLVR: So no copyrighting a groove?

JJ: I don’t know about copyrighting; it’s all very complicated. I’m really interested in reappropriation, meaning you take something from somewhere else and make it something else. That’s the basis of all art. Bach taught us that by his Variations. He just started varying things. And then it’s like unfolding a beautiful Fibonacci code of everything. It’s something ingrained in expression. John Lennon said something really cool. I don’t have the exact quote. But he said something like: originality comes from not quite being able to imitate your greatest inspirations. I think that’s a beautiful way of saying what I was trying to say. Like when Quentin Tarantino made his first film, Reservoir Dogs, he lifted the plot from a Hong Kong movie by director Ringo Lam called City on Fire. So I saw the film back then and I was like, Wow, he lifted that whole cloth and made it his own. That’s really cool, but is he going to tell us that? And he did… eventually. And Quentin is all about inspiration from other places. So I’m all for that. Is that stealing? No: he reappropriated something and made it into something else by using very basic elements of somebody else’s idea. That’s the basis for all kinds of creation. How many paintings in the Renaissance are there of the Madonna and Child? Does that mean somebody stole the image? Also, for me, variation and repetition are really the most beautiful things in art history, and the creation of things. Look at Rothko’s paintings: they’re variations of themselves in a way. He is like Bach to me. He can continue making these variations, and each one resonates in its own way. “

#jarmusch #jim jarmusch #art #music #film

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feelbokkie · 1 year

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No it's fine, don't be sorry for rambling since we can both ramble! lol (I was worried before that my asks were getting long for no reason 😭 but it's fun to just have conversations). You literally did grad school, write so well, are fluent in 3 languages (so cool how easily you picked up French!), and are learning your 4th and 5th languages so I'm sure you're not stupid at all.

I'm fully fluent in Tagalog and English, and then my brain decided to only be partially proficient in several other languages whether I Iearned them for several years or only a couple months: conversational listening in Spanish (from 4 years in middle school), only translating and reading aloud in Latin (despite 4 years in high school and 1 in college), reading French (from 2 semesters + sporadic Duolingo), reading and translating Old English (from just 1 semester but one of my niche/useless in daily life expertise is Medieval European History lol), and Japanese and Korean in the capacities I explained before.

I seriously considered doing linguistics in college since languages are so fun and interesting, but I was already on track to disappoint my parents by majoring in History and then doing Education for grad school lol.

It sounds like you're pretty close already to being able to watch Japanese shows in the background, you probably understand more than you realize! But yeah, I'm more an immersion/listening learner too so I'm def picking up more Korean from watching and listening to stuff (I'm a fast subtitle reader👍) than the workbook I got, although me taking notes with colorful pens is what fast tracked my learning Hangul so quickly.

There's so many things I wanna read in Japanese that people online haven't translated yet so I'm suffering too but I can't get myself to even consider learning hiragana/katakana/kanji until I get better at Korean since I have a limited summer time (the school year fills my brain with too many other things 😔).

Hope everyone else doesn't mind all the random infodumping I'm doing on your skz blog lol

-👻✌️

I apologize to everyone who has my post notifications on who are now being subjected to feelbokkie nerd hours, lol

Fluent in creole and French is a stretch. I can mostly understand and kinda read and write but I'm not actively using them so I'm losing them again. and I think me picking up French quickly is cheating since I technically already knew the language mostly. But I will give myself props for trying to learn 2 more languages. Idk, I think I'm spiraling because I'm done with school until I convince myself that I actually do want a Phd and I love learning and need something to do with my free time.

I wish I could learn latin. I had so much fun when we were learning Greek and Latin root words and etymology in middle school (God, I'm such a nerd) and I did Shakespeare acting competitions for 3 years in hs school so I got really well versed in reading Shakespearean English. Like I have a collection of all his plays and sonnets that I'm reading and analyzing for fun (again, I'm a nerd).

Linguistics wasn't an option for me in undergrad because my school didn't have a linguistics program. But it's amazing that you studied History! I would have switched to History but I already disappointed everyone by switching from criminal justice to English and then doing more English in grad school lol.

I'm so excited to do my color coded notes and all that again. I found a box of mine a few days ago from when I was relearning French full of all my note cards so I can only imagine how bad it's going to be this time.

I can also imagine how little time you have outside of teaching to pursue your hobbies and special interest. But at least you have time during the summer to work on your Korean.

#feelbokkie answers #👻✌️ anon

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phemonoi · 4 months

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reasons i think it’s not just adhd and im a high masking autistic too:

i noticed very early in life that i was weird asf and different from other kids and started automatically masking

i have ALWAYS had trouble making friends bc i just don’t understand how that happens

i feel like i have to GUESS what people expect of me bc it doesnt come naturally to me to know this and i often fail

its hard for me to recognize my role in social groups

socializing depletes me energetically to a point that sometimes i break down and cry when im finally alone and i didnt know this was a sign of exhaustion from masking

sensory issues ! i realized that the reason im constantly bothered and get easily angry when im outside is because of the noise and the bright lights !! masking this low mood depletes my energy too !!

i have always been “weird with food” and as a child i was heavily humiliated publicly by my parents for this. i was forced to eat what my body naturally rejected and sometimes i vomited, hid my food, gave it to my dogs secretly, or was just overly stressed about food time because no one understood my needs and preferences

small talk bothers me so fucking much but i still do it

i get too excited about my hyperfixations and comfort stuff. another thing i mask :D i cannot get visibly excited or people will think im childish or weird and reject me

i have trouble interpreting neutral signs from people. my brain will automatically assume them as negative.

i just feel like i constantly compensate my lack of understanding of social cues by overthinking and over analyzing social situations.

i get secretly bothered about people having logical inconsistencies and sometimes it puzzles me how they don’t recognize them themselves

i never know if people are genuinely curious w me or just being nice

idk how to respond to passive aggression. i get very insecure because i feel like i can recognize it but then im not sure. nts (specially women) tend for be so passive aggressive and female friends always acting with second intentions and not saying things directly but i “feel” the vibes when they dont click, i just dont know how to name it or if its really there at all. fuck how much this bothers me omg

like i have a vague sense a friend might be secretly competing against me or smth but im never sure so i always interpret passive aggression as me being wrong and annoying and instead blame myself

i need people to be direct with me and give me “steps” when i try something new because “obvious things i should know because if i dont im stupid” tend to get past me

oh im overly empathetic. its very easy for me to imagine what someone might feel like in a given situation and put myself in other peoples shoes. but being often compassionate and good to others is not very rewarded in this society, is it?

people often go around giving me unsolicited advice and trying to tell me something about myself when… no thanks? i have a very deep knowledge of myself and my habits ?? my preferences dont mean im unaware of myself or of other options, i just choose to make things MY WAY instead of yours

pattern recognition (?) making me notice things others dont

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ninelivesart · 4 months

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About Me (Kind of)

Doing this Drawing My Reads challenge this last year, made me realize there's a lot people don't know about me. You don't have to know anything about me, of course. But since I've had an uptick in followers, I thought I'd share a few things anyway. For context.

I'm a librarian! Technically a Library Clerk because I don't have my Master's. But this last year I got promoted to Programming Clerk. And I specifically run my library's Makerspace. Which means I get to play with cool, creative machines all day. This also means that I sometimes get to just vibe to audiobooks and draw stupid stuff (it's ideal). My primary focus at the moment is our laser printer. So I will 1000% be adding those creations into my rotation soon. Expect to see some SVG files and wooden bookmarks and things on my Etsy shop soon.

2. That being said, it's important to note that I hardly ever pay for books. I have access to a full library 40 hours a week. So please don't think I'm out here spending hundreds of dollars on these books. I very rarely pay for them.

3. My education is in books. I have a degree in English and Literature. I minored in Journalism. I didn't get to go to art school because there just weren't a lot of options for me back then. So I am a self-taught artist. And I'm lucky to have found a job that combines both of my passions.

4. I am a fully adult woman. I read a lot of very adult books. I'm closer to 40 than 20 and I have a teenage son. Please keep that in mind when interacting with me.

5. My reading tastes can sometimes seem contradictory. I love romances but I tend to stick to fantasy and scifi. I don't do contemporaries very often. And I don't read classics because chances are, I've already read it, analyzed it, wrote an essay on it, and read it again. I did my time and now I'm in debt for classic literature. I'm just trying to have fun. So sometimes I might diss a popular book and be very critical about it. And then turn around and wax poetic about alien smut. I don't expect much from the alien smut. I do expect more from serious books.

6. I pick my reads with a randomizer! This is why I sometimes take a long time getting to a sequel. I have made exceptions for a series I wanted to continue right away. And sometimes I roll again if I'm not in the mood for the book I got. I'm going to try to be a little stricter on this in 2024 though. With the exception of the audio books I listen to at work. I always search Libby for what's available now so I'm not wasting my work time, searching every book on my TBR to see if it's in.

7. You are more than welcome to send me suggestions! I'll probably just stick them on my TBR so I can't guarantee I'll read it quickly. But if you think I'll like it, feel free to recommend it. I'm also happy to talk books with you if you need someone to vent to about a book you know I've read.

8. You are also welcome to add me on Storygraph (beautawn) or TikTok (NineLivesArt). I'm stepping away from Goodreads, so you probably won't see a lot of updates on there. But I post drawing videos on TikTok and I update my Storygraph pretty regularly.

9. However, I don't do reviews! Why? They make me uncomfy! Sometimes I really need to marinate with a book before I decide if I like it or not. Rating systems make me anxious. And my mood alters my decisions. I also don't like being mean. I'm fine talking about my feelings with other readers, but I don't like leaving reviews. Especially if I plan to make art for it. Don't want to draw a lovely portrait and then bash the book.

10. I do plan to continue this project into the new year. But I am planning on doing it a little different. I have some other (non book related) projects I want to work on, and I want to push myself to focus more on the things I need to improve. I really want to focus on environments this year, so I'll be drawing scenes from the book instead. Which means I may not draw a book even if I loved it.

Thank you for following my reading/art journey! I didn't expect this silly little project to have such a positive response. I love when people talk books with me and I actually made friends with a few authors this year! So overall, it's been a very positive experience and I'm ready to jump into the New Year and see what it brings!

#frequently asked questions #that weren't actually asked #just thought i'd provide some context #for why i am the way that I am #and why i read what i read

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sophie-princess-of-power · 1 year

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TW. ACTUALLY JUST DON’T READ THIS. I needed to write this down but I’m not sure if I ever want anyone to read it ever, but I also don’t know how to make stuff private and I haven’t the willpower to learn.

Ah, Valentine’s Day…one of my least favorite days of the year. It really shouldn’t make me feel so down. Especially now that I’m relatively happy, but every year it gets me. The depression. The sadness. The loneliness. I used to think I was being a baby every year and I needed to suck it up, and maybe that’s true, but now I’m mentally healthy enough to analyze my feelings and understand how got where I’m so sad on v day that I end up making a post that is probably gonna end up sounding like a teenagers diary entry or something 😅 but I’m just writing thoughts down now, turns out writing things does help!

I always thought there was something wrong with me and, of course, there are many things wrong with me, there’s a lot wrong with all of us. Growing up, I was often consumed because of my inadequacies, in no small part due to the incessant mocking and bullying from my siblings and often some of the adults in my life. This, combined with my mental health issues, other family issues, and my own tendency towards introspection, I developed a horrifyingly poor self esteem. I did not think anyone would love me or want me. I could think of so many reasons for people to hate me or feel disgusted by me, after all, I was disgusted by me. Until I realized who I was and began my transition, I wanted to kill myself pretty much every day (ages around 12-27). This isn’t a coming out story, though. This is more about emotional relationship with a stupid capitalist holiday that lives in my head absolutely rent free despite how unimportant it really is. I don’t even have any specific trauma associated with v day, but every year I feel this soul-crushing pain, and I have to fight back tears to write this. I can feel it holding me back, but I still can’t break free. Apparently, no matter how much progress I make or how much healing I’ve done, all my work just washes away every February 14. I’m like a v day werewolf, except instead of a wolf, every year I turn back into that sad fat boy, desperate for someone to love her.

#Ifhpit #v day #suicide #self esteem #mental illness #trans

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shit666post · 2 years

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I am married to a man who is mentally ill. It is very trying to be with someone who’s trauma and how it plays out so perfectly pokes at my own issues and doubts.

He’s bipolar so we have the natural swing of things as he is unmedicated and refuses to be as it makes him feel so awful. I know that it takes time to level out, find correct doses, etc. It is not my place to tell him he should do anything with his body he doesn’t want to do and that is my firm stance. He needs to want to have the help by himself.

He also is emotionally stunted. He is literally like a child. He’s obsessed with nostalgic things that brought him comfort as a child and teenager. We met when he was 13, dated for a year, and I shredded his heart because I was always so self centered and only motivated by things that served me. I will not dig into what exactly I did, but trust me that anyone would feel deeply hurt and their value unseen by anyone who behaved like I did.

Since getting back together he has most of the time met me with kindness, patience, and a true desire to be with me. When he is manic, or depressed, or even just overstimulated and unsure of how to handle his emotions it comes out as an attack on me. I am always the root cause of his unhappiness, the reason for his suffering, the reason he wants to die. It is so difficult to navigate and deal with the pattern of being blamed. I always try to find my level of accountability in our disagreements and in his unhappiness. As his life partner I owe it to him to analyze and attempt to find even a speck of something I did that could have made him feel bad so I can not do it again and be better.

I had began to look into parenting skills for my own self healing of my childhood and recently realized that he is beginning to understand his emotions for the first time in his life. He used to entirely shut down when faced with big feelings. By aiming to heal my own childhood trauma I am uncovering more and more of his and I don’t even think he is fully aware of. He used to lock himself in the bedroom closet in silence for hours and hours if he angry or sad. Now he yells and has began to throw things, break stuff when he’s upset. It sucks because it is clearly toxic, clearly not okay to behave that way. He’s also finally expressing something rather than not at all. I am often left to clean up messes, pay to replace or fix myself, lots of stuff. Drywall, doors, center console in the car, desks, food thrown around the house, etc etc. I am not angry when this happens as I cannot imagine feeling so overwhelmed by thoughts and emotions to where this happens. I am patient as I would be with anyone that I love. If I have a child who needs patience and trial and error I cannot just give up. I would want my child to be loved regardless of what they’ve got going on and working through. It is very very difficult to witness and go through.

Maybe fortunately, the ways that he behaves inappropriately are a direct line to my own traumas and triggers. I fear failure, abandonment, being unattractive, stupid. He yells at me that I am useless, that I am a fuck up and can fuck off, that he is going to leave, that I make it hard for him to love me because I am nothing to him, that I don’t listen and I am a failure. This isn’t a regular experience that I go through, only in the most severe moments. We’ve been together for 5 years now so I’ve seen it a few times. It’s saddening to see someone want their environment feel safe so badly that they are willing to speak to another human in such a controlling way. It’s not alright, but I can see where it comes from. Straying from his safe bubble feels threatening to his mental, physical, and spiritual health and he reacts to get the world around him to be safe again. It’s been really wonderful to have my own issues poked at so frequently so I can now identify exactly what it is that is going on in my heart and head and begin to work on that. I would have never gotten here if it wasn’t for him. I am grateful for the experience. He’s the only hard thing I have ever taken on in my life. I don’t like challenges or to be uncomfortable. With him I am willing to endure every thing.

I have also realized we live in two different worlds. That we love across borders that we don’t fully understand. He is so emotional and feels them to the fullest extent. There is not mild feelings in him at all. He is all anger, all happiness, all love, all sadness. He lives to feel and be felt. I live to do and accomplish. My feelings are mild and temperate at best. My happiness is mid grade, my anger is manageable, my sadness is short, my love is steady and slow. He will never understand what it is like to be me and I will never understand him on a deep enough level to resonate with him. We are two entirely different types of people asking the other to see our feelings, our rationale. It’s like being in love with a stranger who speaks another language so there is no nuance to our dynamics ebb and flow. Only smooth, and only clashing. That saddens me as I want to feel that one day he understands my point of view and will hear me out. He wants to feel that I am a passionate woman and passionate about him. That I can feel with him and for him. I can’t. I can only rationalize and see why or where it came from.

It makes me wonder how much he feels love in comparison to me. I love him so much and it feels, to me, all consuming, I wonder what it feels like to feel love like he does.

#bipolar disorder

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absolutepokemontrash · 2 years

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I uh am a bit nervous to ask on my blog so imma do it anonymouslydhdnhdjdnd. Sorry. And uh, I really, really wanna see how the brothers ( and Diavolo) would react to an MC who's physically weak but knows their way around contracts and stuff? Like, MC demanding for a contract to assure themself that no harm will come upon them during their year in RAD or something? Thank you very much!

(Oooooo, I love me some smart MCs! I just did the brothers, if that’s alright)

Crafty MC and the Brothers >:)

Lucifer

When instead of panicking and shaking in terror, the human only stared at each and every one of the assembled demons with an analytical eye, that’s when Lucifer knew that this human was going to be a piece of work. While the human’s outward appearance was scrawny, Lucifer could tell that their mind was going a mile a minute.

The human was calm, almost unnaturally so as they smiled and introduced themselves, they barely even flinched when Mammon made his “memorable” entrance. Just a smile. Ugh, it reminded Lucifer of Satan.

There the human went, forming pacts with a smile, every demon who even looked at them funny ending up missing a few important ligaments, and may the Demon King take pity on those stupid enough to actually attack the human.

Every threat Lucifer made, every silent glare, was met with that same smile. If Lucifer had been any less of a demon, it would have sent shivers down his spine. The only thing that stopped him from punting the shifty little human across the room, was that the exchange program was more important than his suspicions, and the human hadn’t done anything wrong yet… right?

Finally, after the year went by, Lucifer grew fond of the little human, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that they were just… planning something. On the evening of the final day, he called them into his study for a chat. Demon to human.

Lucifer finally received the answer he craved.

“Lucifer, I’m not strong, I’m not quick, and I’m sure as hell not capable of protecting myself from attacking demons. All I’ve got is my head, and now, the pacts I have with your brothers to protect me. If you don’t like that, than you’ve just admitted to wanting me to end up a bloody stain on the stone floors of RAD.”

Well, that was blunt. But everything more or less made sense. Lucifer had to admit, the lengths the human had gone to protect themselves, was honestly impressive. Perhaps Lucifer could offer them a pact as well, you know, as a reward.

Mammon

…this human scared him.

They knew too much, and they got a pact with him waaaaaaay too quickly. And by holding Goldie hostage too! What kind of evil do you have to be to hold a totally innocent man’s credit card captive 🥺??

Tsk, look at them, getting pacts with all his brothers… he isn’t jealous… he isn’t mad that the human is collecting demons like how Levi collects Pokémon cards…

Mammon takes extra care to remind his human that they made a pact with him first, therefore, he’s the one they saw the most potential as a protector in, right? If MC tries to say otherwise, Mammon will simply not listen.

When MC first began ordering him around like he was their personal bodyguard (well… technically that’s what he was supposed to do), he grumbled about it and would do what he was told, only because of the pact, but as time went on, he found himself jumping to protect MC before the order even came out of their mouth.

Mammon realized that he might actually have… ugh… feelings for the human when he jumped on reflex to save them without the human saying a single word…

Tsk… creepily smart n’ scrawny little human needs his protectin’… he doesn’t exactly do this for free ya know, he needs affection as payment.

Leviathan

Is MC an anime character? Be honest. The way they perfectly analyzed every situation… it reminded Levi a bit of the Death Note characters…

Oh shit is MC Light or L? LIGHT OR L?!

When he first dragged MC into his room, he noticed the human didn’t put up much of a fight, their eyes were darting around, seeming to absorb every bit of information on the house before Levi shoved them inside his room. Ugh, was there a way to make sure the human didn’t suspiciously eye-up his precious figurines??

But this was only mere annoyance, when Levi got downright suspicious of MC was when they cheerfully agreed to pact-trap Mammon and hand waved Levi’s explanation of what exactly a pact was by saying they already knew.

H-huh… smarter than your average human… heheh…

But after Levi gets his money, he’s keen to just ignore the human for the rest of the year. No sense in fraternizing with the new normie. Buuuut, the human seemed keen on fraternizing with him.

After the TSL tournament where Levi uh… lost his temper… MC didn’t exactly hold it against him. They just smiled and hand waved the whole thing away. “No worries Levi! I have a pact with you now, you’ll make it up to me.”

Thoroughly unnerved, Levi tried to avoid the human even more, but the two ended up coming together on a strategy game of all things. MC was a damn good strategist, and as Grand Admiral of Hell’s Navy, Levi had to respect that.

Satan

Listen, Satan knows a fake bitch when he sees one, and that scrawny little human was hiding something behind that smile.

Watching MC avoid problems with that knowing smile on their face made Satan’s blood boil beneath his cool facade.

Nothing made sense, they already seemed to know way too much about demons before they even fell into the Devildom, and despite their frail appearance, they had gotten through their first few months completely unscathed.

After their little episode with the body switching, Satan grows closer to MC and realizes they’re more than just shifty behaviour. They’re intelligent, and honestly, they remind Satan of himself.

Maybe Satan would have acted similarly to them if he were in their shoes… hm…

But anyway, if MC ever needs more information on demons or Devildom culture, he’s definitely down to teach them!

Asmodeus

The human might not be a cute beefcake, but they’re soooooo mysterious… and mystery is hot.

Asmo has made it his mission to know everything about everybody, and yet, MC remains a mystery. At first, Asmo invites MC to some casual hangouts, you know, just two friends doing each other’s nails. MC tooootally thinks of Asmo as a friend, riiiight? They’ll spill all their secrets to him, riiiiight?

No? Humph… MC’s as closed off as Solomon used to be… oh no matter. Asmo just needs to open them up a little~

I’ll be writing the rest of Asmo’s section in horny jail.

As time goes on, and MC maneuvers themselves into pacts with Mammon, Beel, and Levi, Asmo can’t help but wonder if MC is secretly some kind of sorcerer or agent. They know just… a little too much about everything… and the way they looked around his room kind of reminded him of Mammon’s “I’m going to steal your stuff” stare.

And would you look at that, one of Asmo’s five bottles of hairspray went missing. Tsk. Well, it wouldn’t be missing for long, it turned out MC fashioned it into a homemade flamethrower to defend themselves when their three pacted demons weren’t around.

…well colour Asmo mildly impressed.

Once their pact with Asmo was made, the Avatar of Lust gets right back into the swing of inviting MC over for self care nights. The human’s fun to hang out with, alright? Asmo can’t help but want to be around them!

Beelzebub

So this is the human? *munch munch* they don’t look like they’d make too good of a snack :/ they’re too small.

Before the pact is made, Beel thinks the human is… nice. Nothing more, nothing less. The reason for such a basic analysis over a month into living with this person is that Beel didn’t actually know all that much about them…

No matter how many meals they shared, no matter how many shows they binged, Beel would come out with no new information on the human, but the human seemed to be collecting a whole bunch.

After the pact is made and MC starts having Beel act as one of their bodyguards, Beel feels weirdly nostalgic. He was Lucifer’s bodyguard back when they were both angels, and here Beel was, guarding this tiny human.

But Beel tends to worry about his little human… they should be strong enough to at least be able to run away if a problem arises and he’s not there to help. So, it’s up to him to help MC get absolutely shredded.

Beel’s a… decent gym trainer, but most of his rewards involve giving MC food and a pat on the head.

Belphegor

When Belphie first laid eyes on MC when they came to a stop in front of the attic door, he couldn’t have been happier. They’re the perfect target, they’re scrawny, small, not physically imposing in the slightest, this human practically wore a sign that said “kill me”.

But when the attic door swung open many months later, and Belphie opened his arms for a hug, the human remained rooted in place, their eyes narrowed.

“What’s the matter, MC?” Belphie asked as he stepped closer. “Not gonna welcome me back?”

It might’ve been the tiniest twitch in Belphie’s eye, or just pure instinct, but MC took off in a dead sprint, almost flying down the attic stairs as they tried to put even more space between themselves and Belphie.

But Belphie would always be quicker than some insignificant little human. He caught them, and with no way for MC to summon the other brothers, Belphie… got rid of them.

Until of course, they showed up again and their connection to Lilith was revealed. Now Belphie felt like a monster (as he should).

He did everything in his power to try and get MC to forgive him, but they only shook their head, the smile everyone knew all too well plastered onto their face. “Fool me once, shame on you, Belphie.”

Finally, with no other possible option, Belphie offered up a pact with MC, that way they could make sure he’d never hurt them again. MC hesitated, before accepting.

MC forgives, but they don’t forget, and that’s the best Belphie gets.

#obey me #obey me!#obey me! shall we date?#obey me shall we date #obey me mc #obey me mammon #obey me asmodeus #obey me Lucifer #obey me Leviathan #obey me Satan #obey me Belphegor #Obey me Beelzebub #Obey me Headcanons #Obey me! Headcanons #asks #ask #anon

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