#and being unable to get a breath.
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once again thinking of the alt-history/sci-fi/dystopic universe in my head where the whole concept is “the surface of the sea just stops existing”
#everything from the pov of whatever was down there at the time#no we don’t get to find out wtf happened to the surface. that’s the fun part.#two versions exist idk which i like better#one is that the surface of the ocean just becomes this pitch black impenetrable surface#two is that. there is no surface#you can keep going up as much as you please but nothing happpens#first one is also implicitly that any surface-sea connection has been severed#you can go to the boundaries. no further.#thinking of divers and swimmers who happened to be under at the time. swimming up and hitting Something#and being unable to get a breath.#the only actual survivors would be people in submarines tho since there’s so few of those around (i think??)#might be better to set in wartime#you can go to beaches you can even go upriver a bit in places#it doesn’t help. it won’t help.#is everyone Above dead? you don’t know. you can’t know.
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A bonus Molly sketch from my gilded cage things! Given the circumstances for Molly in particular during chapter 4 and the fact that Dutch being the way he is would likely just use her as an accessory for the evening I can’t imagine her having a good time, but at least the dress is pretty
#rdr2#molly o’shea#I’ve thought about this a lot#she would not get a second away from him I’m sure#he can’t stand her even breathing the wrong way around him at that point but having a woman with him would make him seem less suspicious#which is a big thing during that mission#so molly would just be hanging onto his arm all evening unable to go anywhere or speak to anyone by herself#I’d get into how she would also not be received well by many people there especially if she approached them alone#because she is Irish and these are a bunch of rich people and it is 1899#I have a lot to say about the importance of molly being an Irish immigrant as an Irish person myself#but I don’t feel like giving a history lesson here#so to condense my thoughts a little molly would have been stuck with Dutch the entire evening#surrounded by people who probably have an inherent dislike for her once they hear her speak#or ignore her in favour of whatever Dutch is saying#which is pretty similar to how the gang already treats her#so even once she finally leaves camp it’s just the same#there is more I could say especially regarding the dress itself but that’s too long to write here#fanart#digital art#sketches#my art
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I don’t think I’ve really thought enough about how certain sounds should not make me want to throw up. Like I knew it was a trait of The Autism but I don’t think I really realized how much my sensory issues really affected me physically
#autism spectrum disorder#autism#neurodivergent#sensory overload#adhd#actually autistic#anyways there was construction happening in the office below mine and the sounds of the hammers and drills made me nauseous#they’re done now but my nerves are totally fried and I keep shaking and having a hard time breathing#I’m also just extra sensitive this week#I’ve been needing my noise cancelling headphones more often to deal with noises that wouldn’t normally bother me#and ive been needing darkness more too#idk it’s weird because I’m not used to admitting that I’ve got these traits and need accommodations yet#and so idk how to explain it to people and ask in a way where I won’t get seen as pathetic for being unable to think if I hear a lawnmower#lmao
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I just left school because the rain was giving me coughing fits what kind of sickly Victorian child-
#The ex gifted kid brain that values school above all else was being annoying#*uncontrollably coughing whenever I sat down‚ unable to take breaths between coughs which is mking me panic and breathe less so now I'm-#-doubled down at my desk with tears streaming down my face coughing into my mask and inagining my death by suffocation and/or throwing up-#-all my organs* Yeah no it's cool I can get my work done dw about it
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AAAH I have a mutual who’s 18 and he sorta kinda is flirting with this one guy who is a minor as a joke of course ( to which a concerned anon said that it’s weird ) but I can’t help but flashback to er*s
#granted the er*s situation was thoroughly complex and the reason she did those things was her copism with not being able to pull ( LLLLLLL )#and ik that guy doesn’t mean any harm etc etc he’s not messed up like some ppl#BUT I DUNNO STILL#sobbing#they’re pretty sweet so#hes*#OH AND HES IRAQI TOO I LEGIT COULDNT BELIEVE THAT#dora daily#lowkey kinda sorta sad that a whole anon was more concerned than ppl i knew and who knew my age#and freely saw it happen so readily#and everyone else on that blog#genuinely and utterly disappointed#it’s always protect minors until the minors need protecting goddamn#this is especially directed at rhy yeah I’m not censoring that#🤷♀️#too busy simping over minor characters who don’t have a time skip in canon and aging them up then complaining about it when ppl call out#the brain deadery of that behaviour#girl pls#you did not care about minors from the beginning literally bye#e[redacted] literally ruined my brain chemistry to say the least I will never go into how what she did absolutely muddled my brain never#told anyone and I don’t think I can ever tell someone ever#not to mention practically hyperventilating being unable to breath literally going into madness and ppl think that I’m overreacting and#telling me to shut up about it and blaming me for the situation as if I wanted any of this#lmaolmaolmao#all that and I was expected to do uni girl byeeee I need a good century to recover at least ☠️#the only thing I DID want is friends but clearly that was a hard ask when ppl can get friends just by existing on this god forsaken app#atp I don’t even know what to say literally just wth#yall say mdni with your dumbass banners and decorate it like something special when yall are the ones to keep from minors you disgusting#wastes of clean oxygen 😭 mdni my foot gross ass adults should’ve never trusted them#the way I’d give them therapy to their complex traumas ☠️ imagine relying on a minor for therapy
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Bruce Wayne Headcanons
that I cannot reconcile with current/most/ALL of his comics characterization but I hold onto nevertheless
—Bruce Wayne!! trains each of his Robins with the goal of them becoming better than him.
—Bruce Wayne!! intends for the Robins to be his actual failsafe if he ever went off the deep end. (Fuck that weirdo robot lol.)
—Bruce Wayne!! 1000% blames himself for Jason Todd’s death I don’t care what the comics have had him say or what his dumbass inner-narrative has said…*handwave handwave* all of that was just him desperately trying to cover the hole in his heart from failing his son so completely.
#Bruce Wayne headcanons#yes this IS a stealth rant about BvR and other things I hate.#the Jason Todd one in particular…like…#FIRST OF ALL—what fucking parent blames their teen kid for being *murdered in cold blood by a serial killer*??? NOT ONE THAT I WANT TO KNOW!#SECOND OF ALL—BRUCE DIDN’T EVEN *KNOW* THAT JASON WAS FUCKING *THERE*!!!! LIKE…#HOW WOULD HE *NOT* LOOK BACK ON THAT AND GO ‘I should have been better for him’?????#and like…as I’ve said before—I could buy him using The Story Of Jason Todd as like a Teachable Moment (tm)#to try to get SOMEthing of value out of Jason’s BRUTAL MURDER BY A NOTORIOUS SERIAL KILLER—#WHO THEN WENT ON TO TRY TO KILL THE ENTIRE UN BTW.#but like…he *himself* thinking that Jason was to blame??? NO WAY. nuh uh#not Mr. Tortured By Being Unable To Save His Parents When *He* Was A Child. NO. DO NOT PASS GO.#man I feel like I had a third point but idk I’m too angyy lol.#idk WHY WOULD BRUCE NOT BLAME HIMSELF FOR LEAVING JASON ALONE IN THE FIRST PLACE?!?!#IT DOESN’T FUCKING ADD UP!!!#YOU CAN’T TELL ME A DUDE IS ALL *HAUNTED BY HIS PAST* AND THEN THE THING THAT FUCKING WELL *SHOULD* HAUNT HIM…#HAVE HIM BE LIKE ‘lol sucks to suck.’#YOU CANT EVEN SAY IT’S UNRELIABLE NARRATION BECAUSE IT IS NEVER CHALLENGED *WITHIN THE FUCKING* NARRATIVE!!!#LIKE SURE IF THE *GOAL* WAS TO HAVE BRUCE WAYNE BE A FULL-ON HUMBERT HUMBERT LEVEL BIG FUCKING LIAR THAT WOULD BE A GOOD WAY TO DO IT—#BUT THAT IS CLEARLY *NOT* WHAT IS HAPPENING!!! WE ARE CLEARLY SUPPOSED TO THINK ‘aw poor Bruce too bad Jason sucked so hard. :(’#okay *deep breath exhales smoke from my nostrils* okay I think I’m done.
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I had a dream a couple of nights ago where Mozenrath attached the adhesive black sand to an object in his hand, which he then threw at a wall. The sand stretched out enough to reach the wall where it stuck, and Mozenrath held the other end of the line hard enough that when Aladdin flew by, he managed to clothesline himself on it.
It makes no sense but it's a funny enough concept that I refuse to acknowledge that it didn't actually happen.
#Like facing Mozenrath just becomes a competition of speed limbo#it would be pretty effective as a tool at Mozenrath's disposel because that stuff that I think is black sand sticks to anything it touches#so someone runs into it face-first and suddenly is either unable to breathe or in a new dimension#but why did it stick to Mozenrath's hand while ALSO being flung at the wall? no sense physically but fun conceptually#mozenrath#aladdin the series#aladdin the animated series#aladdin#the black sand sticking wouldn’t be the unrealistic part. the unrealistic part is that Moze's skinny ass didn’t get sent flying
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.
#dewey very much hates being. uh. contained?#i guess??#he hates his paws being held. hates being put into the harness#so much so that i think he gets way overaroused#he will bite his brothers (pretty. hard) if you hold him by the harness#and just generally. lunge and snarl#combo teenager + overarousal behavior?#these are things dewey Did Not Do until he hit. 5.5 months or so#but it’s driving me. insane#i caught myself grabbing his snout when he was snapping at ryker earlier and had to kinda put him on his back and take a deep breath for#a second cause he was driving me absolutely mad#i ended up sitting on the floor and holding his harness and rewarding him every time his brothers came near.#by the end of that ~5 minute session he was no longer lunging/snapping#and quietly let me remove his harness.#but lately i’m just like. holy hell. who is this puppy#puppy blues#i find myself having to stop and count to 10 a lot lately#or put him in his pen with a kong cause i just. cannot#i’m trying to be calm about it all but when he’s unable to settle#and just jumping and resource guarding and biting#i’m like. is this just him. what if this isn’t his teenage phase and that vet was right and he’s Aggressive#i’m glad we have a trainer already because i feel like im losing my mind 👍🏻
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how do people have covid and then go 'oh this wasn't that bad i'll just go on being not careful' like mine is relatively mild in terms of how bad it could be and i was already still masking and shit and i'm like. no one's ever anywhere going to see me without a mask and a spray bottle of disinfectant EVER again this is terrible oh my gOD
#mona rambles#*mine#the covid journey (derogatory)#<- in case anyone wanna block my whining#but like. honestly. it's like a bad cold but even COLDS suck like???#i'm pretty sure i got it from family over the holidays people just gotta get used to me being masked always i guess it is what it is#and like. obviously there's better reasons to employ basic measures of protection of yourself and others#but if the sheer misery of being unable to FUCKING BREATHE through your nose and the coughing and the pain swallowing etc isn't enough like#at least be selfishly careful good lord#no this isn't news i'm just terrible at being sick so yk#the EXHAUSTION. i brushed my teeth and made coffee and i could go back to bed#i failed to count to 20 three times yesterday like i'm just dumbed down 90% like. jesus
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sorry repost but anyway i will be thinking about this a lot (you can't have shit in this game)
ft: @lanabenikosdoormat n @pixelplanetig
these are AWFUL. also for those that saw this was a repost, no you didn't
#friends oc: jed solaris#oc: jed solaris#jed solaris#this is actually horrible discord game nights are so silly and it's a breath of fresh air#im not the one getting fresh air tho bc i was unable to breathe from laughing#anyway yeah it's just us being goofy and i think about these a lot
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im home and already swallowed by despair. can you believe i was in CHICAGO a few hours ago. and now im here. lol
#i know i know. and i need to let the anguish motivate me to get out of here. but it feels like i dreamed it all#purrs#chicago#i had a rough time getting out of the hotel and through the airport to my gate and also im bad at math so i fucked up the calculation about#when my flight lands bc of the time zone change and i gave my parents the time in central time not eastern time so my dad was waiting for m#for like a half hour and texting me and i wasn’t answering bc i was still in the air and he was pissed at me and snarky in my texts with hi#and i was sitting there on the plane and could just feel his words ripping into me and the horrors rushing back in and i still haven’t#recovered from it honestly. it wasn’t that big of a deal he just said something that i misunderstood as him saying he was giving up waiting#for me and going home bc id already wasted his time and even though that was not what he actually said it just kinda burrowed into me that#my parents were mad at me and were probably also mad at me for not communicating with them AT ALL the entire time i was in chicago. and it#just was eating me alive. im home now and we haven’t talked about it but they did say things disapproving of the fact that i did a lot of#stuff by myself which i probably shouldn’t have told them. idk. it’s not even that bad i just am torn apart by their rejection of me and#utter inability to just like be happy for me without criticizing some part of it or restraining me. plus the house is just as much of a#biohazard as it was when i left and all the broken things are still broken and it’s like. a lot. i miss the hotel LOL#i think im just sleep deprived and not in my head right today but i do not want to be here. sinking in quicksand unable to breathe. but i#have to be the one to get me out of it and i should have learned how in chicago but i didn’t it was just a break and now im stuck again#delete later#kind of terrible that instead of being so proud and happy about what i did my immediate reaction is to be miserable that im home now lol
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living in this household is such a train wreck ❤️
like wdym it's not normal for your guardians to be perfectly fine, then have an off day, which leads to my guardians arguing and having my grandma threaten to k word my grandpa and my grandpa just ask to be k worded, and then have me get so stressed out I just start crying, and in some cases (like today) have a panic attack that almost k/o's me 🫶🫠 only for everything to go back to normal 5 minutes later. Damn that's not normal??????? Welp.
#delete later#tw : kill mention#< idk if i should say this or death skdneksjs#post:vent#literally having been living in this hell for the last 4 or 5 years.#< have**#i blame those two for 90% of my emotional regulation methods.#genuinely unable to steady my breathing. rubbing my face so aggressively to the point of wanting my skin off. bawling. throwing things arnd.#all that just for me to agree with myself to not worry about that near knockout experience 2 min later lmfao 🧍♂️#as nice as it is to be able to just be able to switch from bawling my eyes out to being some form of happy/not crying in a few seconds-#-it just does not feel healthy at all.- possibly unrelated but ive noticed my breakdowns getting progressively worse and worse-#-and harder on my breathing + head sjdhsjd like a couple months ago my breakdowns would just be crying. now i just full on-#-deconstruct and shatter like glass on pavement :L#ugh sorry for this. i alr ranted to my friend abt this so this is unnecessary and i kinda planned to js not post this but whatever idc-#-ill js delete later (if i even remember that this post exists😐)
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Actually…? No. Tell me the odds. I need the likelihood of success and got nothing else to lose might as well try even if extremely unlikely. Because I need help sustaining the hope that everything’s gonna be okay and motivation to get there that I just can’t do for myself without burning out almost completely.
#tiger’s musings#mental health bullshit#…I am just. overwhelmed#by not knowing how to make this work#and being unable to beat the ED keeping me from taking the two steps that I DO know exist#because…I need a moral support body double. and one who won’t get disgusted as my lid flips the whole time I try to do this#and…I just can’t see someone WANTING to MAKE time for me. a small pocket. for us to both relax and catch our breath and enjoy eachother#I’m tired of ‘oh we’re totally friends Tiger!’ but. are we tho?#you set time aside for friends to either just. talk. share memes. or hang out no matter how infrequently#guess my love language really IS quality time#in addition to being very touch starved for Platonic Human Intimacy#and a side of acts of service. because…my chronic illness(es) force me to rely on others#beyond ‘I’d scratch your back if asked. can you please return the favor sometime so I don’t feel used.’#…I’m just. I’m tired. I’m tired of giving out love platonically and feeling Liked but Disregarded#while things also falling apart when I’ve either decided to leave or have to leave due to neutral circumstances or because I’m hurting#I…feel like I’m being Expected to be the one to reach out…again…over Just a misunderstanding#but if I do. it has to be with ‘look I KNOW we miscommunicated but THIS is what hurt me and I NEEDED That acknowledged or clarified’#but…the circumstances that led to the method being blamed for this miscommunication still. y’know. exist#so…what’s the point
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1 thing I wish they had warned me about before my wisdom tooth surgery is that they don’t want me to take a week of any physical activity because yknow, surgery, takes time for ur body to stop being in pain etc etc.
But like I was unable 2 eat solid food for a full nine days.
Part of that is because of a previous jaw injury, but like they told me before the surgery it would be 3-4 days but when I called on like day six and I was like “hey, what the fuck??” They were like “yeah lol that’s actually normal psych!!”
Babygirl I’m hungry
#cw food talk#vent#it’s FINE but I miss dancing at my studio and I genuinely get out of breath going up the stairs rn#cuz I lost so much stamina being unable 2 eat#I wanna go BACKKDK#I’m hoping I can this weekend
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Getting weaned off a medication for a chronic condition is like wow. I know the withdrawal is making things more exaggerated but how did I LIVE like this
#op#like I really was just out here unable to breathe on a daily basis#and I was like yeah that's just life.#MAAM BREATHING IS ESSENTIAL LIFE FUNCTION#anyways boutta beg my doctor for some new medicine if I truly can't be on this anymore because..... god do I miss being able to...#... breathe all day most days. wow.#so glad my drug isn't something doctors get all 'she's an addict!' uppity about#people who have to deal with that: you're so strong I'm so sorry oh my god#i comment#my health
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Last year was actually the worst year of my fucking life
This is just me complaining you don't have to read it but I need to get it out yk
#occasional mention of suicide#i hate thinking about it but like. the biggest reminders are coming back in august and its gonna start all over again#me when losing friends actually does fuck me up a lot and its not funny at all#dad gets out in august and school starts again in august#being at school is torture i just want to stay home for the rest of my life#i hate leaving my house it makes me so nervous and sad#everything horrible is at school#gray is at school#victoria is at school#its so early that i spend half of my day there sick and unable to breathe#people are there#people are mean and scary and horrible#i swear school will be the reason for my suicide#someone or something at school#i miss vicky but shes so mean and i hate her and her friends#i dont want my dad to get out#i dont want anything to do with him he makes me so miserable and hes going to ruin my life again#i cried in front of almost a hundred people at school because he left me at my last play#LITERALLY CLOSING NIGHT OF THE LAST PLAY OF THE YEAR#my last play ever#i had to be hugged by a bunch of people i dont really know just to calm down#that was humiliating and horrible and i hate him#but that takes so much energy#i just want to die#i have friends but i dont have friends yk#i am all by myself#i want to cry right now but nothings coming out :/#fuck victoria what the fuck was her problem#LIKE A COUPLE DAYS BEFORE MY BIRTHDAY?? ARE YOU FR???#worst birthday ever btw. nobody remembered and we had testing and my dad missed it and i was at school until 9pm doing something i hate and
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