#and better myself without all the lecturing and the criticism from my parents

[imwriting0verhere]

Love Again

Chapter 3

Sam's POV

The silence between Y/N and me was uncertain territory. Never in our lives had we spent more than a few days without talking, or any other form of communication whatsoever. But my anger for the girl still seethes inside me. How could she make this situation about her, and make me the bad guy? It’s not my fault she reacted so poorly to me having a girlfriend. Am I not allowed anymore to be happy and live my life the way I want?

I huff to myself and make my way upstairs to pack.

Knowing how bored I’m going to get, I ring Dean and put him on speaker as soon as he picks up

“Alreet Sam?” he asks joyfully.

“Aye, how are things going over there?” I ask curiously. Dean and his fiancé Reagan had finally adopted a puppy just after the Christmas days, after debating for almost a year whether to get a pet or not.

A cute little labradoodle pup named Maple was now part of their family and let’s just say toilet training and raising that little rascal has been more challenging and exhausting than anticipated.

“She’s wracking havoc, as usual, but knowing that in about an hour she will be exhausted and come searching for cuddles makes everything worth it I guess” Dean laughs down the phone. Being very well used to the dog’s energy by now.

After a few minutes of laughing and taking the piss out of each other as usual, Dean wants to know what I’m up to

“I’m packing mate, going down to London remember?” I’m trying to be as vague as possible, not wanting to go into detail again.

After my fight with Y/N, even my mates had sided with her, trying to make me understand why I should’ve reacted better and not snap at her like that. I didn’t need another lecture from Dean.

“You’re still going then?”

“Yes, Deano, am still going” I tell him in a sterner voice. I throw some shirts and jumpers into my small suitcase. I run my hand through my hair and sigh. Dean has known me since we were young boys, he knows me better than most people. Taking the hint to not further upset me he asks “Howd’ya feel about meeting her family. Yer nervous at all?”

I’m going down to London for about a week to wrap up some last-minute things with my label, before going on tour. And to meet Amber’s parents. We met through her brother a few months ago, but meeting her parents after such a short time is still a big deal and I’m anxious. What will they say about their daughter dating a person like me, someone that’s in the public eye and has their every step viewed and criticized. What if it is too soon to take such a big step in our short time together?

“I divn’t kna, like. I’m excited to see Amber again, and a guess one Sunday dinner with her family ain’t gan hurt me” I shrug to myself as I let Dean in on my thoughts.

“Have you talked to her about it? Maybe you should wait a bit longer with that aye?”

“Amber recons I’ll be fine. Her brother will be there too and a mean I’ve known Zack for a while now too. So I won’t feel too out of place like.”

“Reet, if you say so”

“Dean, come on, it’s not like I’m gan marry her next week!” I say with my voice raised. I know my friends mean well, but knowing that they all think I mistreated Y/N and are now starting to second guess my relationship with Amber is not the kind of support I thought I’d get from me best mates.

“A know that Sam, it’s still a bit odd though, innit! And you won’t be here to see off Y/N before her big tour. Is that really where you want to leave things?”

I zip my suitcase shut and take a seat on my bed.

“Look Dean, I wish we would’ve left things differently but am not gan just run back and apologize for something I ain’t got any control over. She’s got to sort oot her jealousy or whatever it is and then we can talk.”

I hear him sigh and wait for a response. I know he doesn’t like this predicament. He’s known and been friends with Y/N basically as long as I have. Always feeling very “big brother” protective of her. But I’m glad he’s still hearing my side of the story and not turning his back on me. That’s why I’m not surprised to hear his next words

“Alreet. Just please don’t let this get any worse between you two! I hate seeing yous like that!”

I let out a small noise of acknowledgement and get ready to end our call

“Safe travels, shoot us a text once you’re in London”

“Aye, I’ll talk to you tomorrow” and with that the line goes dead. With my phone in one hand, I pick up the small suitcase with the other and make my way downstairs, where I leave my luggage in the hallway before making my way onto the sofa for a quiet night in.

Y/N's POV

It’s my last night in Newcastle for the next few months. I’m flying to Amsterdam tomorrow to meet my bandmates as well as our crew and the team for the first gig of our tour. Heidi, Chloe and I are currently on our way to the Low Lights to meet our friends for another legendary night together.

You love living here so much. You felt like such an outsider in the beginning, being very conscious of your American accent. But everybody in this little town made you feel very at home very quickly and having incredible friends and a community around you really makes it feel like you belong here.

Walking down the hill towards the pub, the three of us already hear the chatter from the guests that are standing outside for a quick smoke. Walking passed with a quick wave and friendly hello’s, we walk past the bar, greeting the staff that’s working tonight, and make our way into one of the bigger rooms in the back. It’s been specifically reserved for my farewell tonight. Sure, all of us are regulars at this point, but a party like this deserves some privacy from all the regular patrons. And I want to be able to see and chat with all of my friends before leaving them for a while.

“Look who just walked in” I hear Joe shout before I even see him. He comes walking towards me with the biggest smile on his face, pint in hand.

“Hi Joe” I smile at him and open my arms for his impending hug. Joe isn’t that much younger than Sam and the other lads, but with his young boyish charm he has always been my partner in crime and one of my favorite people.

His girlfriend Holly comes running towards us with an equally big smile on her face

“Hey Y/N/N” she greets me with a tight hug as well. She had instantly become a part of us girls. Her and Heidi only being a couple of years younger than Chloe and I. It was perfect and always a good riot when the four of us got together.

More of my friends come to greet us and we quickly fall into comfortable chats around the room. I take of my coat and throw it down onto one of the benches before I ask Chloe and Heidi what they want to drink.

Making my way to the bar I order two pints of Inch’s Cider and one Guinness for Heidi. While I wait, Reagan stops next to me to order another pint for herself and Dean.

“So how d’you feel pet? Excited to be the big Rockstar you were always meant to be and start this tour?”

“Reaa” I laugh a bit embarrassed, hiding my face in her shoulder. Dean and Reagan got together when they were still in school. I only ever knew them together, so when Dean became somewhat of a big brother to me, she immediately became my big sister.

“Come on” she shakes her shoulder with a laugh and I lift my head off of it

“It’s what you’ve been working for the past four years. You bloody deserve it!”

“Thanks love” I smile at her. “I’m actually really excited. Me and the girls still can’t quite believe that it’s happening. It’s mad” Reagan and I pick up our drinks and make our way back to the group. I sit down next to Chloe who’s chatting to Holly and Liv. I set the cider down in front of us and face Reagan and Tom who sat down opposite me.

“I cannot wait for your Newcastle show, pet. It’ll be so incredible to see you play here at home” Tom says enthusiastically. I thank him and toast my glass to his. It still going to be months until that show, but it’s definitely one of the gigs I’m looking forward to the most. Getting to play in Newcastle, to all of my friends here is such an incredible privilege.

“It’s going to be wild. Half of that crowd will be people I actually know” I laugh “That’s not going to be nerve-racking”

The two laugh at that “You’re playing entire arenas all over Europe, I think you’ll be fine with a few Geordies in the room like”

We chat for a bit longer, enjoying our drinks and the atmosphere around us. Believe it or not, I tend to be quite a bit of a socially awkward introvert when it comes to bigger crowds, unless I’m standing on a stage. Yes, I am aware of the irony. But being in a room with all my friends like this has never felt weird or awkward. They all make me feel at ease and I can fully be myself.

I look around the room and only then does it hit me, one of those, if not the most important person that usually always calms me isn’t here tonight. Sam. I know we are not on the best terms at the moment, but I thought he’d at least be here, on my last night.

Before I can dwell on the fact I’m interrupted by a shout of my name

“Y/N, come ‘ere a minute” I try to find the source of that voice and my eyes land on Jack. He’s talking to another guy while waving me over. As I get closer I can hear the two talk and I instantly recognize the other voice. That deep and soft timbre, the accent. Before I even join them, I have the biggest smile on my face.

Jack must’ve seen I was getting close as he turns to me and throws his arm around my shoulder before happily announcing “Look who’s come to see you off”

My eyes stray from him over to the other person I had yet to greet. As soon as I had joined them he had stopped talking and is now looking at me with his soft blue eyes

“Hi John” I look up at him with the biggest grin.

“Hello Y/N” he replies before pulling me into a warm embrace. We linger like that for a moment before pulling away

“You actually came! I was afraid you big international Rockstar might be off busy somewhere in the world. But you’re here just for little ol’ me” I pull my most innocent smile and look up at him again. Seeing the mischief in his eyes already, I know a response isn’t far behind

“Actually a just popped in to see Jack and have a pint”

My grin brightens and I take his arm to lead him towards our table. He’s greeting friends along the way until I make him sit down next to me on the bench.

I hadn’t seen Johnny in months. He was another lad from Newcastle whom I had met early on through Sam. Johnny, Sam, Jack, Heidi; they all knew each other through the music scene here in the Northeast. Some of them had started playing at Surfcafe, others while playing Buskers nights in the local pubs. Johnny had his own band to play and tour the world with for a few years now. But only recently had he decided to be less of a part in that Band, and start fresh with his buddy Lou to focus more on his own creative ideas.

“I’m so happy to see you B” we clink both of our glasses together and take a sip each.

“I wouldn’t miss this, pet. You going away for so long is a big deal” he nudges my shoulder and smiles down at me. Even though Johnny has the wackiest sense of humor and wildest personality, he still manages to be one of the sweetest most generous people I have ever met. And I’m so grateful for him and his words. Although they leave a bad taste in my mouth

“Not everybody seems to think so” I tell him quietly, almost not wanting him to hear. I don’t want to ruin the mood or my last night here, but instantly my thoughts go back to Sam.

“Hm, what d’you mean?” he leans his head on his hand and turns his full attention to me. I look away and into the room filled with my friends, all here for me. All, except for one.

“Uhm” I say hesitantly “Sam isn’t here tonight”

“What? Why isn’t he here?” Johnny is completely taken aback by my news. It being very unusual that you don’t find Sam and I together, especially here in the Low Lights.

“Yeah, he uhm, he’s in London” I look over to Johnny to see his reaction “We had a fight, a couple weeks ago and, haven’t really spoken since then” I admit. I can see Johnny’s eyes cloud over with confusion before they clear again and he speaks up

“But he does know you’re going to be gone for months, aye?”

“Well yes, but I guess his new girlfriend was more important” I give him a sad smile before taking a long drink of my pint.

“Y/N/N” sympathy clear in his voice as I lean into his shoulder. The arm he has just put around my waist squeezing me gently into his side.

“I’m so sorry pet! I can’t believe him”

As if she can feel my mood shift, Chloe walks back into the room with two new glasses of Cider for us and sets them down on the table in front of me. “Here you go, hun. Thought you could do with a refill” she sits back down next to me.

“You alright?” she asks concerned

“Yeah” I tell her as I sit back up straight and take one of the glasses she has just brought over

“Just feeling a bit emotional about leaving you lot. I don’t know how you’ll handle things without me” I feel Johnny squeeze my arm in understanding before I wink at Chloe

“I think we’ll be alright here babe” she cackles before taking a drink.

The three of us fall into an easy conversation. My head feels light and my heart is full thanks to all these wonderful people in the room. I am so ready for what’s to come. I just wish there wasn’t this nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that I was missing something.

[capricorn-stark]

Protégé

pairing: red hood!jason todd x robin!reader, slow burn 

warning: swearing

a/n: for context, this is somewhat loosely based off of Battle for the Cowl (2009) which I definitely recommend as a read! 

There was something about falling that you would never, ever get tired of. 

Ever. 

Probably.

With the wind whistling in your ears, your hair floating up in a million directions, and your limbs seemingly weightless as the buildings and lights blurred into one endless streak of color, the rush of adrenaline that ran through your body right before your grappling hook shot out and you landed quietly on the concrete was about a million times better than any sparring session back at the cave. 

You grinned as you straightened, rather proud of the fact that you had actually managed to land so smoothly without nearly paralyzing yourself. Again.The landing was something you had been working on for a while now.

You could practically hear Bruce’s voice ringing through your head after your little stunt, lamenting on and on about how you had more important things to focus on during patrols, and you let out a sigh as you ran down the backway of the nearly empty streets. 

The heavy man who had been bound up with a decently made gag and one of Bruce’s fancy tech pieces (Batcuffs, maybe? Something else with Bat smacked in front of it?) grunted beside you. 

“What? Not like you had someplace to be.” You grabbed the back of his rather tacky-looking spandex suit to drag him along back to where your mentor was supposed to be.

Despite your (many) disagreements and his (many) criticisms of your hand-to-hand combat skills, attitude issues, and pretty much everything else relating to you, Bruce had actually still allowed you to go off on your own tonight. It might’ve been because he wanted a few hours of nothing but beating up petty criminals by himself for stress-relief, it might’ve been because he had started trying out that whole independence thing with you a little more (even though you were still only permitted to be about five blocks or so away), it might’ve been plot-convenience - but either way, you appreciated the gesture.

It didn’t take long for you to pull your new friend over to what should’ve been your rendezvous point with Batman, letting the man drop with a dull thud and a grunt of protest against the concrete as you glanced around for the other man. You weren’t particularly concerned by the fact that the Bat himself wasn’t there yet - after all, he was the goddamn Batman. He’d show up eventually. In the meanwhile, you decided to go over the information you had gotten on the criminal with you. 

Just for the sake of it. Bruce would make you go over it anyways.

“Drury Walker, thirty-two years old, found him trying to mug someone in a back alley and make an escape. Called himself…” you paused, looking down at his sorry-looking outfit for a few moments while he looked up at you with murder and vengence in his eyes. “...Killer Moth.”  

“Killer Moth?” A completely new voice repeated in disbelief, causing you to immediately whirl around to face them in a fight stance, heart racing at a million miles per hour. The guy in front of you had his hands up in the air, his face concealed with some sort of red knock-off Iron Man helmet. He was gonna get copyrighted by Marvel Studios. “Shit, sorry,” he started at the sight of you, still leaning up against one of the walls. “I was supposed to make a wholeass dramatic entrance, but you said his name was Killer Moth and that-” The man made a noise that was either a sharp cough or a laugh of some kind. “-sounded so fucking lame I couldn’t help myself.” 

Despite the fact that you were definitely in some sort of major trouble with this new guy, he really did have a point. Even Killer Moth himself would’ve been embarrassed by how trash his name was, if not for the fact that he looked like he was on the verge of an aneurysm - understandably so, since the new guy had produced not one, but two guns out of apparently nowhere. 

“And let me guess,” he continued, pointing one of them at your head, his tone still all-too light and easy. “You must be the Bat’s brand-new Robin.” 

Now this is where most people would've shut up and proceeded to be complicit with the dude holding two guns. But Batman hadn’t seen reason and made you his (sort of) partner because you were like other people. Hell no.

“Do I look like a traffic signal to you?” It had been the very first of your amendments with Bruce. You would not be fighting crime looking like a literal traffic signal or, at best, a clown from Haly’s Circus. And the tiny green shorts had to go. “Or Robin Hood?” The guy had a rather awkward pause where his gun sort of dipped. Killer Moth was looking between you with wide eyes. “Do I?” 

“I guess you kinda got a point.” You huffed and he raised his gun again, getting more in-your-face as his already angry-looking helmet somehow managed to look angrier. You weren’t exactly sure how a helmet could convey so much emotion. “But you work with Batman. And I heard you went by Robin.” 

Okay, so you couldn’t make him change the name, but you had agreed it would be more of an honorary thing.

“It’s complicated.” 

Using such a phrase as an excuse to escape from situations you didn’t want to go into was one of the many things you had learned from Bruce in your five months of training. Somehow, that seemed to trigger the guy further.

“So you do work with Batman.” 

Before he could do something actually insane, you had managed to push the gun pointed at your head away from you, using his brief second of surprise to take it out of his hands, kick him in the chest, and round back on him with it in hand. 

“And what about it?” 

As cool as you thought you might’ve sounded didn’t cover for the fact that you were still nerve-wracked about what was happening right then. Especially after the guy started to dramatically slow-clap like some sort of evil thespian in a high school drama. 

“Not bad, Robin. Not bad.” He looked at the gun in your hands and grinned. “If you weren’t Batman’s new replacement sidekick, I might’ve believed you had the balls to use that thing.” 

Now, you were an excellent fighter. You had to be, after your excessive training with the guy who had literally mastered about every martial art in existence during his (give or take) five year-long mission to find himself. Plus, some personal experience. But fighting someone like this guy? Built like a tank and padded up in a whole lot of armor and packing an assortment of knives, guns, and even a damn taser you got a first-hand taste of?

You fought hard, but about five minutes and another round of the taser later, you saw the knock-off Iron Man helmet staring down at you before the world went black.

~*~

You woke up in what you assumed was the self-dubbed Red Hood’s safehouse of sorts. 

“How the hell did he rope you into this shit?” he demanded with what you could only assume was him glaring at you through the helmet. Probably some expression that made someone look all angsty and annoyed - which was fair, since he had been trying to drill you for information you straight up refused to give while bound (way too tightly) to a chair for quite some time now. Rather rude. “Let me guess. You watched your parents die.” You stared at him before shrugging.

“Nope.”

“Oh, so they just went ahead and died somehow. Untimely accident caused by some psycho bitch in a Spirit Halloween costume.”

“…nope.” 

“They abandoned you as a child.”

“No, they didn’t - does divorce count?” 

Red Hoodlum’s hands kept clenching and unclenching while he stood there, staring at the wall behind you in silence. From the way his chest kept rising and falling, you were tempted to believe he was practicing breathing exercises amidst his rather violent twitching. 

“Divorce - what the hell is your trauma supposed to be? Why did he pick you?!”

“Hey, just because my trauma doesn’t include people dying doesn’t make it any less traumatic,” you scoffed in response, knowing you were absolutely right about that. Your middle school guidance counselor had said so (and it’s true, ladies and gentlemen, trauma comes in many forms!). “Kinda rude to assume it didn’t affect me somehow.”

He seemed rather abashed at that and you heard him clear his throat a little. 

“...right, yeah. Sorry.”

“Apology accepted - can you loosen these ropes a little? It’s starting to kinda hurt.” 

“Do I look ten? That’s the oldest trick in the book, I’m not gonna-”

“I’m not going to run, just loosen the ropes a little.” He still looked like he didn’t believe you. “Come on, I don’t think I can outrun your guns.” As in his literal array of guns tacked up to the wall behind him, not his gigantic biceps. 

And you weren’t too worried about being held hostage by him, either. You figured you had ten minutes tops before Batman burst in through the doorway, ready to give you a lecture on why straying from the specifically designated parts of Gotham he had let you traipse around was a terribly stupid idea. 

“No.” He was already walking towards the door, because apparently, he had enough of trying to interrogate you. 

“Hold on, I feel like my wrists are actually about to start bleeding or something - where are you going?”

“Keep talking and I’m gonna get the duct tape.” 

“Is that a threat?” Sounding more confident than you actually felt should eventually make you more confident. Eventually. 

The Red Hood sucked in a breath, stopping by the doorway and turning to face you, reaching into his pockets to get what you assumed was either a gun or duct tape when you both startled from a sudden crash. The man in front of you was already whirling around with two guns positioned to shoot when you heard the familiar voice of someone else.

“Hold your fire, soldier. I’m not here for you.” A pause. “Or I wasn’t, but now I kind of am.”

Apparently, Batman was too busy to save you. Now, you got Nightwing. 

And as much as you liked Nightwing, that still kinda stung. 

[kalinawtokilig]

When you can’t reach your parent(s’) expectations

Have you ever still feel not good enough to those who expect greatness and extraordinary accomplishments from you? It hurts the most when it’s your parents. 

But don’t worry, they’re here to help you up

------

Pair(s) : Akaashi Keiji x Reader, Sugawara Koushi x Reader, Oikawa Tooru x Reader

---

Akaashi Keiji x Reader 

When he sees you at his front door in the pouring rain, he ushers you to come in

He lets you borrow his clothes as he uses a towel to dry your hair

Akaashi would lecture you on why you shouldn’t walk in the rain without an umbrella, since you can get sick and then your parent will get mad at you

Having said that, you sighed deeply

Raising a brow, he thought of you to be tired from walking to your home to his house

“Want to watch that anime that you were telling me about?” 

You look away and shook your head 

“Mm, do you want to eat?”

You shake your head again

“What do you want to do then, hon?” 

You look up to him. Akaashi is so patient with you, and he knows when you’re at your best and he recognizes your hardworking posture and daze when all of those all nighters of studying and on the bridge of nervous breakdowns were so worth it that he congratulates you for everything you accomplished for

Why can’t your parent do the same?

Your boyfriend stares back you, worried creeping up as your brows furrowed and eyes became glossy 

He lays a hand on your cheek, palm soft and caring, warmth on your cold cheek envelopes when he cups it gently

“Do you want to stay on my bed and sleep?”

Yes. You need sleep. You desperately need it. 

On his bed, he pulls the covers up, making sure not a trace of your limbs or skin is exposed (Not like its ever cold in Akaashi’s house,, I feel like its naturally warm in all ways, ya know?) 

He lays on his side, one arm open, welcoming for you to cuddle him if you want 

Shuffling closer, you lay your forehead on his chest, and he hugs you as lovingly as he can 

“I’m proud of you, you know that right?” 

((Stop,, making myself FEEL EW)) 

Sugawara Koushi x Reader

((Gawd,,, I fuckin pimp the SHIT OUTTA HIM MAH DUDE-))

When Sugawara’s at your place, in your room, he came from practice and was sleeping in your bed ((After he took a shower, mans brought his own clothes,, what a RESPONSIBLE MANN UGHHH)) 

While you were having an argument downstairs with your parent about how you’re not putting enough effort in your studies and putting other priorities above that, you bit your tongue from snapping as they continued on about how ‘You can do better’ or ‘You need to try harder’ and ‘I don’t want you to be a failure’

Lowering your head and nodding blankly at every sentence your parent says, they finish by saying go upstairs and study

“Become great, so I’ll be able to tell my friends how extraordinary you are.” 

Up in your room, you keep re-reading and writing down important key facts into your notebook

‘Do good, be better, become greater’ 

‘Why can’t they see all that I’m doing is for them? Is what I’m doing never enough? When can I ever stop try to appease them? When will I ever try to be enough for myself?’

“Am I not important to even be seen as good enough?” You whispered.

Biting your lip, you gritted your teeth and held onto your pen as tight as you can, trying not to even sniffle to disturb your ever so tired boyfie ((Wake him up,, he’s there and he’s with you whenever babes >:((( Suga-love is always there for you )) 

Sugawara had been awake, he had been awake since he heard your parent yel- raising their voice at you. Turning to look at you and your trembling shoulders, he held what you said that was supposed to be for your ears only, echo a pain in his chest. Seeing you beat yourself up to reach someone’s standards hurts him, and witnessing you not even shed a tear for yourself hurt him even more

Shaking your head, you rubbed your eyes with the sleeve of your sweater and continued to jot down anything that seemed to be of importance

“Sugar?” 

You jump a bit, not looking back you answered, “Yes, Koushi? Do you need anything?” 

“Are you okay?”

You nod silently as your eyes kept trained on the textbook in front of you 

Hearing some quiet shuffling, you froze a bit when you felt Sugawara’s arms hug your waist and his head laying on the crook of your shoulder

“I think you’re pretty great. Even when you don’t feel so, I hope you know that you’re important to me and you can never let me down. I love you, don’t you know that (Y/N)?” 

((IM FUCKING VOMITING OMG I WANT HIMMMMMM ARHGABORBGYAOURGVAORY)) 

Oikawa Tooru x Reader 

((Ah yes, another I want to pe-))

He knows, the feeling of not being enough and working hard to achieve your own expectations and everyone else’s

He knows the worth and hardwork to prove that you can be good enough

You were and are always there when he overworks himself and self-doubts and self-loathing hit hard for him

despite everything, you helped him set up a schedule and helped him time manage his busy schedule, so he’ll be able to feel accomplished of what he did and able to rest even if its for a little bit, then getting great power naps for in-between the days that he decides to push himself harder than usual

Iwaizumi has never been so thankful for your existence and genius mind ((Oh wow, even got my bb praising you huh))

When Oikawa sees you pushing yourself harder than usual, training and trying to balance your studies

He notices that he doesn’t see you often, nor does your friends either

Oikawa-boo now knows the struggle of HIMSELF

Is this what you and Iwa-chan go through? Endless worrying and less cuddles ?? (As if Iwa cuddles him,,, Oikawa has proof, so do Makki and Mattsun)) 

When he finally catches up to you, you look at him, slightly pale and shaking a bit from how much coffee and energy drinks you’ve consumed

“Babe, I haven’t been seeing you for a while, are you doing okay?” 

You were immensely drained, even talking had been an effort, but Oikawa was your beloved boyfie

“Mhm.” 

Oikawa frowns. “Have you been getting enough rest?”

“Mhm.”

“Did you eat lunch? Your friends say they haven’t seen you at their table.”

“Mm-mm.” 

He cups your cheeks, brow furrowed and brown eyes filled with concern, “My lil-cutie, what’s going on?” He asked in the softest voice he can possibly muster. ((Possibly? Pretty setter squads are fuckin SMOOTH bitches to have soft voices. Yes, including Shirabu AND Kageyama. And Koganegawa. My HC, can’t change my mind, I take criticism but only if I'm ready to haunt you at 3AM))

“Mmm. Have to prove to my parents that I can be better.  I need to show them that I can be something they can be proud of. I don’t wanna be a disappointment.” Your voice shakes a bit, it could be from the caffeine or the emotions building up when Oikawa asked you so sincerely if you were okay.

“Don’t wanna be an embarrassment either. You don’t deserve that. Wanna be a winner.” You muttered, looking away in shame and guilt that has been haunting you. 

Pulling you into a hug, he laid his hand on your head and the other arm laid across your waist. “Listen to me. You think you can be better if you work yourself to death, that you forget about yourself and focus on reaching other people’s standards. Babe, if anything, you can prove them wrong when you are confident to tell them that what happened before and what’s happening now means that you’ve improved on yourself and your actions will speak for themselves. You can’t prove to them if you decided to forget to care for yourself and those who want to support you.”

Your tension in your body relaxed. He didn’t have practice today, or you would’ve smelled the excessive amount of cologne radiating of his body. Relaxing, your shaking minimized when you petted your hair and hugged you closer. 

“You can never be an embarrassment to me, (Y/N). When you’re working so hard to care so much for others, that’s never an embarrassment. You’ll go so far I don’t know if I’m able to catch up to you.” 

You weakly squeezed his side. 

He chuckles. “We’ll always be winners, (Y/N). I mean, you won my heart, and that’s the greatest feat, yeah?” 

You slapped his butt and he whined like a little bitch.

[ghostenbrooch]

a month before finals, motivation?

sometimes when I feel burdened by the thought of exams, I would just stop in my tracks, a short moment, and I'd wonder, "What's the point of exams?" Most of the time, I'll get answers such as, it's there to test your abilities and understanding of the subject. It is then possible for me to switch from "studying to get higher grades" to "understanding".

I have a strange inclination to tweak the structure of a sentence until it is perfect. Perfectionism. It sometimes become so unbearable that I forget how to write. All the "perfect sentences" come to my mind to tell me I'm wrong. It is like an addiction to style; I restrict myself just so I can write with "clarity." I do not know how to change that, except for restraining it, holding it back when I am trying to write something.

Studying is not supposed to be a difficult thing. In fact, it is perhaps the easiest step to doing anything in general. You have guides, lecturers, books, to tell you what to do––but why is it so difficult for you?

That, perhaps, represents most parents' ideas about our studies.

Methods matter, then, if we want it to be not difficult. What is "understanding"? How do you know whether you understood something?

1. Short notes.

I usually take a very long time getting through the first reading, either with my textbook or journal articles. Sometimes it becomes dull, and the words run through my mind without staying. So, I'd advice myself to read while taking very short notes.

It may look like a mind map with only several words to guide the mind, or using several flashcards to note down the important terms or rules or cases. For me, I have not found the most efficient way of taking short notes because the more notes I write, the easier I forget. I'd think, "Oh, I wrote it down," and dwell in the feeling of security as I move on. So I forget. However, without notes, the chunk of text would be too overwhelming and when I forget, it would be the literal death of me.

Notes are important, but finding the right way of taking notes that suits you is even more so.

2. Write paragraphs.

When it requires critical analysis, better start practising with short paragraphs. Take a question and dissect it into perhaps five parts, for each part, try to fit 200 words in on your own opinions before searching for other sources and materials (like articles and commentaries). Or you may try to fit in 500 words at first try, combining what you've researched and what you understood.

3. Refresh memory in your sleep (um)

This is something I am trying to do, well, not literally. Basically, it is to go through the notes and cases before you sleep, and pray that you dream of yourself studying again and again the things you just read. Jokes aside, I think I've seen somewhere that this is one way to boost your memory on certain topics.

Once again, these methods may not be useful for some people. Truth be told, it probably won't be effective for me in a few months. (Hopefully not.)

Today marks the end of March and the end of the second term. All presentations and school work done, it's time to get into extensive studying.

regards,

ghosten xx

P.S. Covid, I'm warning you, leave me alone.

[juniaships]

My issues//ok to rb&comment

I don't like venting. But I have to do this because I'm through being angry every single second of my life. In the past i have been scrutinised a lot through my childhood and teenage years. It got to a point where I no longer have the motivation to do anything worthwhile. I'm a failure so what else can i be? I hate being a failure but failing seems to be the only thing I'm good at. Nobody else seemed to fail like I had. I resented a lot of people who I see have more than me, or are talented, or are goodlooking or a combo of both. That resentment i held turned into a full blown rage to the point i get literal headaches thinking about it. In turn I become an extremely judgemental person myself. The negative attitude rubs off in the way i work, live, talk to people. It even affects how I consume media, I judged so many writers and creators harshly because of an artstyle i don't like or a storyline I hate. But several months ago one artist who i judged a lot passed away suddenly. The news shocked me. That's when i knew: i know nothing about this man and what he was going through. All he did was doing what he loved and his job, and i picked it apart for no reason other than being disappointed over a cartoon he worked on and was already harassed for.

Last week I went on a tirade because i was mad that my parents criticized the clothes i wear. It reminded me of how i was treated back then, where i couldn't wear what i wanted even something innocuous without getting picked apart. So i lashed out and said hurtful things not to them but to strangers online. It didn't make me feel any better. So i took a break to calm myself down. Later that week my mom lectured me about mastering my emotions. I shrugged her off. I was fed up with her lecturing me. But the thought nagged me all day. And i swallow my pride to say she is right. I have no control over my emotions. I get obnoxiously angry for the pettiest of slights. I suppress my rage when i get criticized at work bc i sure as hell dont want to be fired. Deep down i feel very lonely and insecure. My art doesn't do as good as I hoped, I have no hobbies or a social circle. And every day where im reminded of what I should have had but don't I get all the more low. But it's better to deal with the anger than with low self esteem. I don't lie I blame God for a lot of my problems but.. It's all me. I'm the one who chose to flunk out of school. I'm the one who chose to lash out at people who did nothing to me. I'm continuing holding my anger instead of digging deeper into the other emotions hidden inside. I have so much sadness but not a Benz to cry in. I weaponize anger so I wouldnt have to confront such painful feelings. Because so many people overlooked my good qualities and focused solely on my flaws I began to believe o wasn't a good person at all and became aggressive and confrontational. But i can't do that I can't hurt others just because I'm hurt.

I understand now if I want to live a better life I have to stop holding on to rage. I have to stop being lazy and relying on bitterness. I have to learn to open myself up to others and learn to love myself with the flaws and negativity and i have plenty of both. I need to live compassionately and healing the sad inside. I dream of experiencing life. I dream of having light and love and laughter and honesty, away from darkness and pain.

I dunno if anyone feels the same. It's not my place to say. But I can't keep dreaming if i don't put in the effort to make that dream happen.

[mostlycompetentwriter]

Sunshine

F/M Pairing: Y/N x Han Jisung (Stray Kids)

Word Count: 12K

Genre: Married Life AU

Warnings: Smut and Language

Summary: Y/N has loved Jisung for her entire life and she would never dream of marrying anyone else. Of course, their life together isn’t always perfect, but they’ve always managed to overcome every obstacle standing in their way.

Note: Feeling soft for Jisung these days...

I was only 8-years-old when my parents divorced. 

My mother, thinking herself circumspect, blamed it on my father’s long hours at work. But she wasn’t there the night I decided to wait for my father, watching him come home in the dead of night to quietly clean the lipstick painting the side of his cheek. I remember catching his eyes from the bottom of the staircase and the guilt in his eyes was impossible to dismiss.

Those kinds of unfortunate secrets are difficult to hide because they demand to be seen. 

Thereafter, I can recall memories of sitting in different offices, listening to my parents bicker while their lawyers did their best to satisfy bitter clients, especially when it came to their daughter. I was a particularly harsh point of contention, but full childhood custody was granted to my mother who did everything in her power to push my father out of our lives, even packing up our belongings to move to the opposite side of the country. And New York City was just as intimidating as my childish imagination had perceived it to be. My first impression was unforgettable, a city that was large and confusing, constantly streaked with traffic and heavy with the low-set of smog in the mornings when the sun could barely filter through the landscape of skyscrapers.

My mother and I moved to the suburbs and started renting a modest home with the idyllic front yard and friendly neighbors who greeted us with dishes containing different foods upon our arrival. I had always been shy and introverted, choosing the comfort of my mother’s legs whenever a stranger would knock on our door, occasionally offering my mother a flirtatious smile. Like the older man who lived across the street who often made a habit of coming over to talk to my mother in the living room while I hid away upstairs, listening to the sound of their laughter.

Eventually, I could no longer pretend that something strange wasn’t happening, especially when my mother’s new friend brought over his two sons. They were both around my age, sporting thick accents that reminded me of the man on television who liked to wrestle with crocodiles. My mother’s friend introduced them as Chan and Felix, encouraging the three of us to get along because we would be spending a lot of time with each other. My childish innocence didn’t quite understand what that meant, but I wanted to do the very best for my mother.

Even so, I was still hesitant at first because Felix seemed to dislike the idea, ignoring me in exchange for his video games when I would come over to their house. Thankfully, Chan was more willing to comply, sharing his books with me since we both liked to read and the couch in his bedroom was extremely comfortable. He had a wide variety of mysteries and thrillers and my impressionable mind would latch onto those exotic stories and themes, picturing myself in the place of the heroine who somehow managed to always know exactly what to do in the most formidable of situations.

Eventually, Chan invited me to accompany him and Felix to the park to meet their other friends since I was having trouble making them on my own. Felix, of course, remained opposed, very nearly throwing a fit had it not been for his father who scolded his son for being so inconsiderate. Not that I was necessarily excited at the idea of meeting their friends since I would have preferred staying inside to read. Nevertheless, my mother was insistent that we get along, so I reluctantly followed Chan and Felix who were talking about some sort of new comic book that they were both reading. It was all very decidedly boyish things and I had no interest in superheroes who ran around in capes when the real heroes were the common female protagonists of my books.

“Everyone, meet Y/N,” Chan had introduced me, pushing me forward to greet the seven other boys who were all looking at me like I was some sort of extraterrestrial specimen.

One of their older friends, with a messy head of black hair, immediately crossed his arms. “No way, Chan,” he protested, glaring at me with intimidating dark eyes.

“Girls aren’t allowed,” another boy agreed, nodding his head with enough force to send his bangs flying into his eyes.

I retreated into myself with each subsequent insult and dismissal thrown my way. It was enough to ostracise even the most outgoing of individuals, but I was quite frustrated because I had tried to resist coming along from the moment Chan first proposed the idea. “I didn’t want to come anyway,” I snapped at the boys, surprising each and every one of them as I stormed away to plant myself down on one of the park benches.

I could hear Chan calling my name but I had decidedly had enough of those boys, including Chan despite the inherent kindness he had previously shown me. In fact, they could have fun without me doing whatever it is that nasty little boys liked to do in the park. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have enjoyed it anyway, even if they had opened their arms and begged me to play along. Of course, I was still deeply hurt that they had dismissed me so quickly, but I had always been a prideful child, which is why my first instinct was to lash out when I noticed a shadow had fallen over my wilted form. “You don’t have to be nice anymore, Chan,” I said, turning away from the approaching boy.

“I’m really sorry.” 

I glanced up in surprise when I realized that the voice was much brighter than Chan’s gravelly tone. Instead, I met a pair of unfamiliar brown eyes from beneath a fringe of blonde-colored hair. The boy held out a flower, a wilted dandelion that had nearly lost its pappus, as if in a gesture of appeasement.

I accepted it from him hesitantly. “Thank you.”

“They shouldn’t be so mean,” the boy continued, waving at his friends who were busy arguing over a silly football. “You’re really tall so you might be able to catch Minho’s long passes.”

I paused at his comment. “Do you want me to play?”

“Of course,” the boy grinned, smiling as brilliantly as the sun bearing down on the two of us. “My name’s Jisung.”

I returned his smile. “It’s nice to meet you Jisung.” He offered me his hand which I gratefully accepted, holding on to him with an unrelenting grip because I had a feeling that I would never want to let go.

This might explain why, years later, I was still waking up next to him in bed with an expensive ring on my finger courtesy of dozens of saved paychecks back when Jisung worked overtime in college. On this morning, in particular, the sound of my alarm might have been enough to wake me up, but the unexpected presence of my husband’s hand groping my chest provided the necessary catalyst to blindly reach out for my cell phone. I silenced the unwelcome disturbance, allowing a low groan when I reached down for his hand because leave it to Han Jisung to feel me up even when we were both sleeping. “What are you doing?” Jisung asked when I tightened my fingers around his wrist, loudly protesting when he squeezed my breast in return. 

“It’s too early for that,” I whined, especially when he started to rub his hard cock against my ass.

“Just let me put it inside for five minutes,” Jisung pleaded, his other hand roaming down to tug on my panties. 

“What good will that do?” I asked him, slowly wriggling away from his arms despite the show of childish outrage from my immature husband who still sometimes forgot that he was an adult.

“You’re gonna make me show up to work like this?” Jisung pouted, expression painted with his betrayal as he watched me walk around our bedroom. 

“Take a cold shower,” I said, tossing a towel in his direction. 

“Y/N,” Jisung said. “Let’s think about the practicalities of the situation. We haven’t had sex in a week and my dick feels like it might fall off at any moment.”

“And if we look at this situation scientifically,” I added. “I doubt your dick will fall off because that’s assuredly impossible.”

“Why are you doing this to me?” Jisung asked in an exaggerated fashion, burying his face into our nicest set of pillows.

“Because I’m meeting Seungmin and Jeongin for lunch and you have a field trip to chaperone. Plus, I don’t want to listen to Changbin complain to me on the phone tonight when you show up to work late again.”

“Seungmin and Jeongin are more important than me?”

“Lunch is more important than you,” I corrected him with a smirk, reaching for my bag. “Have a nice day at work, babe.”

“No kiss goodbye?” Jisung questioned even as the door to our bedroom shut soundly behind me.

Being amongst the youngest, me, Seungmin, and Jeongin frequently made a habit of eating lunch together on Saturday afternoons. It was a traditional affair, primarily allowing the three of us to gossip about the others without fear of reprimand. And ever since our Freshman year writing lecture, we’ve enjoyed greasy fast food while commenting on everything from Chan and Changbin’s sudden obsession with the gym to our theories that Minho was secretly married to a rich aristocrat who supplied him with the endless amount of money he spent on his cats.

“Hey!” Jeongin protested when I reached over to steal a piece of his steak.

“It looks better than mine,” I attempted to justify, speaking over a mouthful of food which my mother would normally offer criticism.

“Felix has been acting weird lately,” Seungmin randomly commented, a frown confusing his features as he scrolled through his phone.

I chewed the stolen beef before asking, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, he only ever gets like this when she’s back in town.”

I let out a heavy exhale, understanding exactly why Seungmin was concerned. “How long?”

“A week or so,” Seungmin said. “He never comes out with us anymore.”

“Does Changbin know?” I asked, sliding my plate aside in exchange for this piece of juicy gossip.

Changbin’s sister, better known as the object of Felix’s most intimate desires, has managed to whole-heartedly capture Felix in some sort of deadly trance. My step-brother, notoriously known for being a playboy in college, became whipped around Changbin’s sister, following her around like a lost puppy begging for attention. “Of course he does,” Seungmin replied. “But he says that Kara hasn’t tried to contact Felix at all.”

“Obviously,” I snorted. “Changbin thinks Kara is the epitome of perfection. His little sister can’t possibly do wrong in his eyes.”

“I think Felix shares his opinion,” Jeongin commented, trying to sound perfectly serious while he sipped on his chocolate milk.

“We’re having a family dinner tomorrow night,” I said with a sigh. “It’s a good opportunity to interrogate my step-brother.”

“Please, Y/N,” Seungmin said, eyes round and soft. “Felix always tells you everything.”

“And you can immediately tell us in the group chat,” Jeongin chirped happily.

“Of course!” I agreed, reaching over to ruffle Jeongin’s hair until my phone abruptly started ringing. “Yes, Hyunjin?” I sighed into the other end.

“Y/N! We have an emergency!”

I rolled my eyes at his theatrics. “It can’t be that bad.”

“We don’t have straws! I repeat, the cafe has no straws and people are asking for straws, Y/N.”

“Jesus, Hyunjin,” I groaned. “Just go next door and buy some straws.”

“Y/N,” Hyujin huffed impatiently. “There is a bigger problem here and you don’t even realize! That kid you hired last week? I think he’s out to sabotage the cafe. I put him in charge of ordering supplies and guess what isn’t supplied?”

“The damn straws,” I muttered, suddenly having a million regrets for agreeing to open the cafe with Hyunjin in the first place.

“Now you finally understand.”

I carefully lowered the phone from my ear, cupping the receiver to look at Seungmin. “Do you mind coming with me to the cafe? I’m supposed to have the day off but Hyunjin’s losing his shit over straws.”

“Sounds like Hyunjin,” Seungmin smirked. “I don’t have anything better to do.”

“Hyujin,” I repeated into the phone. “Please don’t scream at that poor kid, I’ll be there in five minutes.”

The cafe was originally supposed to be an independent endeavor until Hwang Hyunjin found out about my plans and demanded some sort of involvement. Despite our friendship, I was still hesitant to consider Hyunjin as a business partner, especially considering his performances in the lectures we shared in college. Hyunjin was the type of student to arrive to class five minutes before the professor, desperation clinging to him persistently while he begged me to explain the homework assignment. Nevertheless, Hyunjin somehow graduated from the business school at the same time as I did, albeit without the honor’s recognition, proving himself despite the doubts of nearly everyone in our friend circle with the exception of Jisung who always managed to see the good in everyone.

Shortly after graduation, Hyunjin and I took out a small loan from the bank to open our cafe in a very strategic location close to a nearby university. From the beginning, I had primarily handled the more elaborate side of our business ranging from accounting and point of sales to ordering supplies and handling employees. Hyunjin, on the other hand, took care of the creative aspects including designing what he deemed an “elegant” menu while also trying out new recipes that our mostly college-aged clientele greatly enjoyed in the form of free samples. 

“Y/N!” Hyujin gasped as soon as I walked in the door with Seungmin and Jeongin. “Well?”

I held up a grocery bag full of the straws I had just purchased. “It’s fine, Hyunjin.”

“It’s not fine,” Hyunjin protested, walking over to yank the bag free from my grasp. “I’ll have you know that one of our usual customers left us 4 instead of 5 stars for satisfaction.”

“What will we do?” I deadpanned. “Where’s the new kid? Did you scold him thoroughly?”

“Of course I did,” Hyunjin said, pointing to the kitchen. “I sent him to wash dishes.”

“He’s a cashier.”

“It’s punishment, Y/N,” Hyunjin said. “We can’t have him thinking he can get away with potentially damaging our public image.”

“These kids will still get their morning coffee,” I said. “They don’t care if we’re out of straws as long as they have somewhere to loiter around all day to finish their essays.”

“That’s another thing,” Hyunjin said. “I think we definitely need a bigger place and I know the owner next door said something about moving out.”

“Renovations are expensive,” I said. “And you don’t know if the landlord would be okay with us tearing out the wall to expand.”

“What if I found out?”

“Talk to Seungmin instead,” I suggested, tugging the younger boy forward. “I’ll see about this new guy you’ve decided to torture.”

“Punishment, Y/N!”

I rolled my eyes because I was still frustrated that I had to come into the cafe because of the worst excuse for an emergency in the history of mankind. But what else did I expect from Hyunjin? “Remember to breathe, Y/N,” I whispered to myself. 

Back in the kitchen, our newest employee, donned in his decorative jacket courtesy of Hyunjin’s obsession with bright uniforms, was currently bent over the sink with thick gloves pulled up to his elbows. I felt bad for the guy because it was obvious that he wasn’t used to doing something like this. “Hey, kid,” I said, surprising the younger boy who immediately dropped one of the cups back into the sudsy water. “You don’t have to do that anymore.”

“I-I don’t mind,” he stuttered, eyes wide as he held tightly to a sponge.

“It’s not your job,” I insisted, carefully taking the sponge from him like he was a deer that might dart away at any sudden movement. “I’m sorry Hyunjin told you to come back here. To be honest, he was probably trying to avoid this work himself.”

“But I messed up the order,” he said, hanging his head. “It’s my fault.”

“Not it’s not and don’t let Hyunjin tell you otherwise,” I said. “Next time, call me if you’re having trouble with the order.”

I reached into my bag to pull out my business card, holding it out for his reluctant hand which was still slightly damp from his unexpected dish duty. “You’re not mad?” he asked reluctantly.

“No way,” I reassured him. “I used to work during college too, you know. I kinda get it, kid, so don’t worry about anything.”

His smile was sincere, looking at my card like it was the key to the world. “Thank you, ma’am.”

“Get back on register,” I encouraged him. “That’s what I hired you for, and next time Hyunjin gives you any shit, you just let me know.”

He nodded enthusiastically, vacating the kitchen as if he was actually thrilled by the idea of returning to the register. I knew all was well when I could hear Hyunjin’s shrill voice from the other room: “Y/N!”

Jisung managed to beat me home and I walked inside to find my husband laid out on the couch with a glass of orange juice in one hand. “Headache,” Jisung pouted at me.

“Take some Advil,” I said with a smirk, ignoring the way his hands reached out for me in exchange for the possibility of a snack from the kitchen.

“Y/N!” I heard him groan my name. 

“Sungie,” I returned his call. “I hope this isn’t some sort of elaborate set-up because we have dinner with my mother tomorrow night.”

Jisung was silent in the next room and I shook my head while dumping a sample of chips into one of our plastic bowls. I came back out into the living room to find Jisung rolled over onto his stomach, face buried into the cushions of our sectional. “Baby,” I cooed, trying to lure him out from his hiding place.

“I forgot about the dinner,” Jisung said, voice muffled against the furniture.

“I figured that,” I said, somewhat sympathetic to his plight. For as long as I could remember, Jisung had always feared our family dinners mainly because my mother had a personal vendetta against him. Ever since he first stepped foot on the porch wearing a rented suit for Junior year prom, my mother had deemed him unworthy of my time. Her feelings only worsened when she found out that Jisung was majoring in elementary education. “A teacher, Y/N! That boy isn’t going to be able to support the two of you!”

Subsequently, every visit to my mother’s house meant that Jisung had to listen to my mother read statistics on how poor and destitute teachers were in the city. Meanwhile, Felix also received the same treatment from his father who was absolutely horrified when he found out that his youngest son wanted to open a dance studio with Minho. It didn’t help that my step-father loathed Minho because he found him and Felix in the back of Minho’s corvette smoking enough weed to satisfy the entirety of our high school. 

It was a complete contradiction because while Jisung and Felix were constantly reprimanded, Chan and I were bathed in compliments and adoration. “Channie,” my mother would smile. “How are your cases?” Chan was some kind of small claims lawyer in the upper Bronx which meant he made enough money to buy a Rolex for every day of the week while driving an expensive Tesla. 

“And Y/N,” my mother would address me. “How’s the cafe?”

“We always do well around Finals season,” I told her.

“That’s wonderful darling!” she would always say while glaring in Jisung’s direction who would visibly falter under my mother’s judgemental stare. “How are your...kids, Jisung?”

“They’re great,” Jisung would laugh nervously. “I had to stop one of them from eating a bottle of glue the other day.”

I would laugh and affectionately run my fingers through Jisung’s hair while my mother remained statuesque-still. “How amusing.”

The pattern persisted to this day and I knew Jisung tolerated the dinners for my sake, but he always protested in different ways. For example, last month Jisung agreed to babysit our neighbor’s Pomeranian because he thought I might allow him to stay at home. And I almost let him get away with his impromptu plans when I remembered that Jisung would have to make dinner on his own and I was horrified by the idea of Han Jisung anywhere near my kitchen.

“Tell your mother I’m dying,” Jisung said, pulling me from my thoughts. “That should make her happy.”

“Han Jisung,” I scolded him, reaching down to gently massage his leg. “I’m not leaving you home alone. You’re prone to more kitchen fires than anyone else I’ve ever seen.”

“I’ll order takeout,” Jisung said, kicking his foot out against my thigh. 

“If you’re gonna act like a child, then I’ll have to treat you like one,” I said, giving his ass a firm smack before rising from the sectional.

Jisung jolted at the unexpected contact, raising his head to briefly consider me. “What was that?”

“Do you not want to play?” I returned, grinning when Jisung immediately sat upright from his position on the sofa, leaning forward in expectation. “Does this mean what I think it does?”

“Perhaps if you decide to stop being so stubborn about the dinner,” I said, dropping to my knees in front of him.

Jisung’s eyes grew wide with lust, hands reaching out to pull my head closer to his crotch. “I’ll go to as many dinners as you want, babe.”

“That’s better,” I smirked, efficiently undoing his belt. “It’s only for a few hours.”

Jisung was ecstatic, pulling down his jeans and underwear. “I’ll just sit with Felix in the dining room alone.”

“Is that so?” I asked, curling my fingers around his hardening cock. 

Jisung nodded, hair falling into his eyes as he watched me with rapt attention. “I haven’t had a chance to talk to him recently.”

“What a good sport,” I teased, jerking his cock a few times because I liked the way Jisung’s eyelids would flutter with his pleasure. But he was being remarkably good, so I decided he had earned an end to his apparent sexual frustrations. I took in the tip of his cock, running my tongue along the slit dripping with milky white pre-cum. 

“Please,” Jisung begged, grip unrelenting on my hair as he encouraged me to swallow more of his cock, slowly taking him in until I could feel him at the back of my throat. “Can I do it?” Jisung asked with desperate eyes and I nodded once, giving him the permission he desired to move my head up and down the length of his erection, warm and rigid against my tongue. I made sure to moan around him because I knew the resulting vibrations felt really good, enjoying the sounds of Jisung’s grunts as he fucked my mouth.

While Jisung did a majority of the work, I tried to amplify his pleasure when I could like running my tongue along the prominent vein on his cock or using my teeth to drag against the fleshy part of him. My fingernails dug into his thighs, leaving behind marks that would probably vanish after a warm shower. Tears were steadily streaking down my cheeks courtesy of an instinctual reaction to Jisung’s cock repeatedly sliding in and out, hollowing my cheeks to accommodate him. “It feels so good,” Jisung said, palms clammy as one hand came to fan against my cheek, wiping away the smeared streaks of my mascara. 

Throughout our years together, I had learned a lot about Jisung including his apparent oral fixation when it came to sex. Jisung loved when I gave him a blowjob as I discovered for the very first time locked away in the Janitor’s closet, tasting Jisung on my tongue for a few seconds before he was cumming down my throat, apologizing incessantly for not being able to last longer. As if I really cared because I was quite proud of myself for breaking him down so quickly. But as much as Jisung liked to receive, he also loved to give and feeling his tongue on my pussy was a guilty pleasure, watching Jisung eat me out like he belonged between my thighs. 

“Cumming,” Jisung warned me, grip tightening as his hips stuttered, pubic hair brushing against my nose while the bitter taste of his cum was swallowed down with effort because my throat was now incredibly sore.

Jisung fell back against the couch, fingers pushing my hair back from where it had fallen messily into my face. I shakily climbed into his lap, kissing him greedily because there was no better sight than Jisung completely spent after a good orgasm, especially when it was because of me. “Is that better, baby?” I asked, pecking him on the nose.

“I love you,” post-orgasm Jisung told me entreatingly, eyes swimming with tears as he proceeded to plant dozens of soft kisses against the exposed skin of my collarbones.

Jisung pulled into the driveway of my mother’s house with a morbid expression. “It’s not too late to cancel, right?”

I ignored his comment, opening the door to step out into the bitterly cold evening. “Babe, I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.”

“No need to pretend,” Jisung grumbled, reluctantly following me to the porch where I hit the doorbell, smoothing down my skirt because my mother always liked it when we dressed up for these dinners.

But the last thing I expected to see on the other side of the door was Kara, especially a version of Kara dressed in an appropriately sized skirt. “Y/N!”

I’m sure my expression of shock matched the one present on my husband’s face as we both took in the sight of Changbin’s little sister. “Kara?” I questioned stupidly, holding tighter to Jisung’s sweater because I needed something to ground me in the reality of this unanticipated situation.

“You guys look great!” she declared. “Come inside!”

“Of course,” I said softly, pulling Jisung behind me as I stepped into the foyer, shrugging off my coat which Kara took from me to hang in the closet like she had been doing it for years. 

“Y/N!” my mother squealed, interrupting the unanswered “why are you here?” hanging between the three of us.

“Mom,” I said, accepting her hug with a wince because my mother was never gentle in her affections.

“And Jisung,” my mother frowned, eyeing my husband up and down. “What the hell are you wearing.”

Jisung looked down at his corduroy pants which I had warned him repeatedly to destroy. “What’s wrong with it?”

“Oh nevermind with you,” my mother said dismissively, reaching out for Kara. “Look, Y/N, Felix brought home a very nice friend. Are the two of you acquainted?”

“She’s Changbin’s sister,” I told my mother. “Why would I not know her?”

“Oh don’t give me that attitude,” my mother said. “Kara was just telling me about the marketing firm she works for! Isn’t that impressive?”

“My brother’s jealous,” Kara said. “He’s stuck working with kids all day, isn’t that the worst?”

My mother giggled at Kara’s comment while I reached behind me to give Jisung’s hand a reassuring squeeze. I didn’t even need to see my husband’s face to know that he would be fuming over Kara’s words. “I think you can do Felix some good too,” my mother said, now leading Kara towards the kitchen. “That boy is an absolute mess sometimes.”

I found Chan in the living room, eating his way through most of my mother’s groceries. “Channie,” I said, hurrying Jisung along despite the way his feet drug against the carpet. “Can I talk to you for a moment?”

Chan barely glanced up from his food. “What is it?”

“In private?”

Chan offered me a blank look to which I grabbed his hand, forcing him to the opposite side of the room and away from any potential eavesdroppers. “Why the hell is Kara here?”

“Beats me,” Chan shrugged. “Felix said they’re just friends.”

“Just friends my ass!” I hissed at him. “Chan, you know how stupid Felix gets around her! Since when has Felix brought any of his ‘friends’ to one of these dinners?”

“I don’t want to get involved, Y/N,” Chan said. “It’s really none of our business.”

“But does Changbin know she’s here?”

Chan shrugged helplessly. “How should I know? I don’t see Changbin much these days.”

“Ah, you’re useless,” I declared. “There’s a potentially catastrophic disaster unfolding right in front of your eyes and yet food is more concerning to you.”

“Of course it is,” Chan nodded solemnly. “Why do you think I sacrifice a Sunday night at home to drive an hour over here?”

“What a good son you are,” I said, pinching one of his cheeks. “I’m sure your father would be pleased to hear that.”

“Y/N, I seriously don’t know anything about Felix and Kara,” Chan said, smacking my hand away. 

“Listen to me, Chan-”

I broke off when my mother suddenly entered the room with Kara on her heels, holding out a tray of cheese and crackers. “Appetizers!” my mother exclaimed, immediately chastising Jisung when he accidentally dropped one on my mother’s coffee table.

“Leave it alone,” Chan warned me, sparing me no further attention as he joined the others in the living room. I followed him to the couch where I planted myself between my step-brother and Jisung, eyeing Kara suspiciously as she sat herself directly on Felix’s lap, arms wrapped around his neck. 

“I think your mother likes me the least tonight,” Jisung whispered anxiously into my ear.

“That’s because Felix has something shiny and new for her to mess with,” I said, patting his thigh soothingly. 

“Everyone, help yourselves!” my mother announced, ushering my step-father into the room with a glass of wine in hand.

I handed Jisung a plate. “Do me a favor and keep the food where it belongs.”

Jisung pouted at me. “You act like I’m clumsy on purpose.”

“I don’t need to feed you, do I?” I asked him, ignoring the way he reached down to pinch my waist in warning.

The remainder of our dinner progressed slowly, more so than usual because my mother seemed to have hundreds of questions for Kara. In fact, as opposed to Jisung and Felix being the objects of my mother’s contempt, that title seemed to belong to everyone excluding Kara. Chan and I were rarely spoken to, and Jisung was only addressed when my mother complained that he was chewing too loudly. “Do you see my son-in-law?” she complained to Kara like they were old friends. “He’s never had good table manners.”

I held tightly to Jisung’s hand when I felt him tense next to me. “Jisung’s always been that way,” Kara replied with far too much affection for my liking.

Her comment forced me to recall the very first time I ever met Kara back during my third year of high school. She was a year younger than Jeongin, so she came into our high school as a shy Freshman with only Changbin as an ally. And Changbin loved to brag about how smart his sister was, claiming that she didn’t even need to study because she could memorize everything the teacher said in class. But Changbin hadn’t been exaggerating and I had been slightly jealous of Kara’s easygoing nature, seamlessly inserting herself into our lives as if she had always belonged there. The truth of the matter was that Kara had been attending a private school for most of her life because of her higher intelligence. The school was located hours away from where we lived so we never saw Kara except in brief passing when she came home on the weekends. However, Kara insisted that she wanted a normal high school life, so she enrolled at our local public institution with the goal of making new friends and getting a taste of what her brother always talked about in their long phone conversations.

At first, Kara stuck tightly to Changbin’s side, but it didn’t take long for her to open up to the rest of our group, including Felix whose crush started the moment Kara first walked through the doors. My poor step-brother was enamored, jealous when Kara would start dating some of the older Seniors. Of course, it didn’t help that Changbin remained adamant that Kara never dated any of his friends because they were, in his words, completely unworthy. So, with the exception of the unfortunate incident of Junior prom, Kara obeyed her brother and only showed the other guys affection in the form of a pat on the head or a gentle shove when they said something funny.

By the time I graduated with Hyunjin, Seungmin, Felix, and Jisung, Kara had become another pillar in our dynamic, even appealing to the older ones like Chan and Minho. Yet, when Jeongin finally entered university with the rest of us, something changed with Kara and she no longer hung out with us as much as she had before. Then, there was the matter of her attending college in an entirely different state, only coming to visit sporadically when Felix would bend over backward to make sure she attended one of his fraternity parties. By the time I graduated from college, Kara was more or less nothing but a distant memory, only coming into fruition on rare occasions. Thus, seeing her here today was definitely disorienting, especially since it was only because of Felix that she was here in the first place.

“Kara, you’re such a wonderful girl,” my mother said. “I can’t believe we haven’t met before.”

I rolled my eyes because my mother seemed to forget my Junior year of high school almost as much as I did. “You’ve been such a gracious host,” Kara said to my mother.

“It’s getting late,” my mother sighed, glancing at my step-father who was moments away from passing out on the couch. “We should get to bed, but the rest of you are more than welcome to stay and chat. I know I took up a lot of the conversation.”

“That’s an understatement,” Jisung muttered.

“Anyways, I’ll call you later on this week, Y/N,” my mother said, offering me a lazy wave before collecting Kara into one of the tightest embraces I had ever seen.

Once my mother and step-father had wandered up the steps, Kara came back into the room with mischievous eyes. “Let’s play a game,” Kara suggested, urging us all around the coffee table. I groaned when Jisung pulled me back into his arms, burying his face into the side of my neck like he was prone to do when he was the slightest bit tipsy. 

“No more alcohol for you,” I said, swiping the bottle away from my husband who protested half-heartedly.

“What do you suggest?” Felix asked, looking at Kara with starstruck eyes.

“Maybe truth or dare?” Kara said, squealing like she had forgotten that everyone around the table now had a full-time job.

“Why not,” Felix said, reaching for his discarded bottle of Corona. “Would you like to go first?”

Kara giggled when Felix leaned in closer, lips teasing her exposed collarbones. “Keep it PG,” I requested, glaring at Felix.

“Okay,” Kara said, taking the bottle and placing it onto the table. 

“If someone can dare me to get laid, that would be nice,” Jisung said and I reached around to elbow my husband in the side for his smart comment.

I watched as the bottle spun around in its defined circumference before landing on Chan who groaned loudly. “Truth or Dare, Chan!”

“Truth,” Chan said, picking up his bottle of beer. “Knowing you’d guys, I’d be forced to drink the rest of this on a dare and I have to be at the office at six.”

“Are you seeing anyone, Chan?” Kara asked, leaning in close like she was about to hear a juicy secret. Of course, I knew better than anyone because I was often the recipient of Chan’s late-night phone calls when my step-brother would complain to me about his sadly lacking love life.

“No,” Chan huffed, reaching out to give the bottle a powerful spin. “I’m always single.”

I reached across to pat him tenderly on the shoulder. “Don’t worry, Channie, there’s a girl out there waiting for you!”

Felix let out a drunken squeak, turning to look at Kara with a smile. “Truth or dare, Felix?”

“Dare,” Felix said, bouncing up and down from his spot on the floor like a loose spring.

“I dare you to...

“...call Changbin,” I spoke over Kara, enjoying the identical looks of matching horror on their countenances.

“What?” Felix questioned, intoxicated brain undoubtedly having trouble keeping up with the flow of our conversation.

“Call. Changbin.” I repeated, much slower this time to leave no room for a potential misunderstanding. Unsurprisingly, Kara hesitantly shook her head at Felix as if asking him to ignore my request. “Those are the rules,” I informed her smugly, watching Felix as he took out his phone with a shaky hand. He dialed Changbin’s number and we all sat forward in profound expectation of what was about to happen.

That is until Changbin’s voicemail picked up.

Kara snatched Felix’s phone and quickly hung up the call. “He’s not answering, so let’s move on to something else.”

I frowned as I sat back against Jisung’s chest, frustrated because Changbin had probably chosen an early night’s sleep in exchange for answering a friend’s important phone call. “Truth or Dare, Y/N.”

“Truth,” I muttered, folding my arms across my chest even as Jisung started to rub gentle circles into my hips as if picking up on my irritation.

Kara’s eyes narrowed. “Were you jealous when I kissed Jisung at prom?”

The room was dead silent following her vengeful question. My cheeks flushed at the reminder, feeling Jisung squirm uncomfortably behind me. It was a horrible thing to ask me, especially considering the circumstances surrounding the unholy night that Minho had silently termed “the worst day of Y/N’s life.” But I suppose that Kara felt warranted to ask me considering the fact that I had just tried to expose her to Changbin. “Of course I was,” I snapped at her, twisting the bottle while maintaining a penetrative staring contest with Felix’s love interest.

My shoulders relaxed when the bottle landed on Kara, and I quickly intervened before Felix could give Kara an easy way out of what was rapidly becoming a terrible mistake. “Are you dating Felix again?” I asked, watching as her eyes narrowed from my choice of words.

“It’s truth or dare, Y/N.”

“Are you afraid to answer the question?” I asked her. “Or are you just using Felix like always?”

Another long silence enveloped our gathered group. 

“I guess I don’t get a turn?” Jisung whispered into the tense silence of the room.

“Holy shit!” Hyunjin exhaled when I finally finished explaining everything that had happened at my mother’s house the previous evening.

“She’s a total bitch,” I said. “Everyone knows that we don’t talk about that night.”

Hyunjin nodded in agreement. “Do you remember the ugly suit I wore?”

I glared at my friend. “You’re not helping and we have customers.”

Hyunjin offered me a salute, returning to the register to accept another order while I aggressively wiped down our counters. One of our waitresses watched me with a gaping mouth until I turned to glare at her. She quickly picked up her tray to retreat back into the crowd of college students. 

Now, let me start by saying that Junior year prom was never something I was looking forward to attending. The only reason I even went was because Han Jisung asked me to go and my attraction for him had skyrocketed by this time, to the point where I found myself staring at his ass whenever we had gym together and he decided to demonstrate the correct technique for a pull-up. Our friends deemed our relationship inevitable, the romanticized soulmates who met as kids and grew up together with agreeable personalities. Of course, it also helped when puberty hit and suddenly Han Jisung looked less like the little boy I played with on the playground and more like a man whose dick I really wanted to taste. 

For a lot of my classmates, Prom meant an unsanctioned night away from the school where they could lose their inhibitions when someone inevitably spiked the punch bowl. There were no school officials present at the event, only volunteers, and since it didn’t take place on school grounds (but inside of a nearby YMCA) everyone could basically do whatever they wanted without consequence. Thus, the next day’s rumor mill was spinning with tales of romance and deceptions, break-ups and hook-ups, and even the occasional wild story of someone stealing from the radio store next door.

“Do you want anything to drink?” Jisung asked me nervously the moment we first walked inside.

“Sure,” I told him, affectionately adjusting the cute bowtie he had chosen for the occasion, cheeks rosy red as he hurried away.

“Y/N!” Hyunjin said, taking Jisung’s place in front of me. “You look great!”

“So do you,” I told him honestly, appraising his suit which likely cost a thousand dollars just to rent for this one occasion. “Where’s your girl?”

“Who knows, she was just meant to be arm candy,” Hyunjin said dismissively and I snorted at his explanation. “I only came here for the drama and the alcohol.”

“Anything interesting so far?” I asked, grinning when I saw Jisung accidentally knock the punch ladle into the floor.

“Changbin came with a Freshman,” Hyunjin said. “I talked to them earlier and he’s definitely only interested in her ass.”

“How crude,” I remarked. “What about the others?”

“I guess Seungmin and Jeongin came with each other,” Hyunjin snickered. “And I haven’t seen Felix yet.”

I paused. “Felix is coming?”

“It was a last-minute thing,” Hyunjin explained. “Apparently, Felix is bringing someone he really likes.”

“I didn’t know Felix was interested in anyone,” I said, with the exception of Changbin’s little sister, of course.

“It’s getting late,” Hyunjin remarked. “He might have been lying.”

“He wasn’t dressed when I left the house,” I said, remembering the sight of my step-brother teasing Jisung and I from behind our parents while they took an endless amount of pictures while relentlessly questioning Jisung about his appearance.

Speaking of which, I graciously accepted the punch Jisung offered me, taking a sip before wincing. “I think someone added way too much.”

Hyunjin reached for my drink, sniffing the rim before downing the rest. “Not too bad.”

Jisung watched him with wide eyes. “Isn’t that strong?”

“Not strong enough,” Hyunjin complained. “I’m going to find something better. Have fun you two, make sure you use a condom if you’re gonna fuck.”

I glared at Hyunjin’s back as he disappeared into the crowd.

Yes, Prom might not have been high on my list of priorities, but the way Jisung was currently kissing me definitely made it more appealing. After ingesting an appropriate amount of alcohol, a tipsy Jisung had latched himself to my side, whispering rather inappropriate things into my ear before I inevitably found a place where we could be alone, safely tucked away inside the locker room. I drug Jisung to a bench where I immediately straddled his thighs, kissing him with enough force to throw him off balance, hand splayed across my hip as he forced his tongue inside my mouth tasting strongly of alcohol. I struggled to pull in enough oxygen to counter the dizziness threatening to send me falling into the floor. Jisung certainly wasn’t helping matters, squeezing my breasts spilling over the neckline of my dress while pressing sloppy kisses to my throat, erection hard through his dress pants and I had never felt hornier in my entire life. And that includes the time Minho bought me a vibrator for my birthday as a joke but I still tried to use it and ended up masturbating to the thought of Jisung fucking me on my mattress. 

“You feel so good,” Jisung whispered to me now, rolling his hips into mine as he sought additional friction. I held tightly to the lapels of his jacket because it felt really nice through the thin fabric of my dress when he would move just right, pressing against my clit with a wonderful pressure that nearly made me cum before he could even put it inside.

“Sungie,” I panted into his ear, tasting every inch of his beautiful honey-golden skin. “Please fuck me.”

“Can I?” Jisung asked, thrusts growing erratic as if affected by just the thought of his cock hot and heavy between my thighs. “Yes, of course, baby. I’ll do that for you.”

“Condom?” I managed, reconnecting our lips because I was quickly coming to the realization that Jisung was a wonderful kisser. 

“Shit,” he cursed against my mouth. “I left them in the car.”

“I’ll get them,” I said, reaching deep into the pocket of his suit pants for the key, inadvertently brushing against his cock. 

Jisung moaned loudly. “Hurry back, baby.”

“And this!” I said, standing up from his lap to reach into my cleavage to pull out a piece of fabric.

“That was in there the whole time?”

“Not important,” I said, shoving the fabric at him. “Put this on?”

“What is it?” Jisung asked, unraveling the cloth.

“A blindfold,” I said and he looked up at me with evident surprise.

“Why do you want me to wear a blindfold?”

“Just put it on, please,” I begged him.

“Why?” Jisung whined, a complete contradiction to the mess he looked with an erection still prominent in his pants. 

“I don’t want you to see me,” I said, blushing at the thought of Han Jisung seeing me naked because I was certainly nothing like those busty girls in the porn magazines I found under his mattress.

“Okay,” Jisung grumbled, probably because he was just as aroused as I was even if that meant doing something that might seem utterly ridiculous to anybody else.

“Don’t take it off,” I warned him, glancing over my shoulder to see Jisung tying the blindfold in place. 

Satisfied, I silently rushed back into the gym, making my way to the exit despite the obscene displays taking place all around me courtesy of several pairings of passionate couples. I did my best to ignore them, even though I was pretty sure I saw Hwang Hyunjin in the center of the dance floor, shirt unbuttoned and chest exposed for everyone to see. But Hyunjin loved to be at the center of attention, so I left him to entertain the majority of the women flanking to him like a magnet while I jerked open the door to Jisung’s Sudan, finding the condoms across the dirty backseat of his car. 

I grew even more excited just by looking at them, hiding them carefully in my hand as I rushed through the parking lot in my haste to find Jisung again. At this point, the party was in full swing, music loud and pounding, testing the acoustics of the YMCA which probably never hosted anything else this insane and chaotic before. But I was on cloud nine, ready to finally have sex with someone I had been crushing on ever since Jisung had shown off his abs to a doubtful Changbin. However, when I re-opened the doors to the locker room, I stumbled in my heels as I was greeted with an unfortunate visual. An unforgettable image of Kara on top of Jisung, kissing him passionately while she practically forced him to grope her chest. “Y/N,” Jisung moaned, apparently completely unaware of who was actually grinding on his dick.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing,” I finally shrieked, completely horrified at the display that would forever engrain itself into my subconscious.

Jisung immediately pulled off his blindfold, eyes widening in shock when he unceremoniously dumped Kara into the floor who loudly protested. “Y/N?”

“Jisung,” I said, looking back between him and Kara with panicked eyes and a broken heart. I had never felt so betrayed before in my entire life, and there had been moments when I felt downright disgusted with my poor choice in men. But Jisung was more important to me than the casual flings from my past, which probably explains my sudden desire to escape the situation that was forcing messy tears through the mascara clumping my eyelashes together. I left Jisung behind in that nasty locker room before losing myself to the crowd of my classmates.

There was only one person I wanted to see, and I found Hyunjin now re-clothed, talking to some other girls when he first saw me approach. He greeted me cheerfully, only realizing my condition once he stopped to notice the tears falling freely from my tired eyes. “Y/N,” Hyunjin said, expression falling as he pulled me into his arms tightly. “Why are you crying?”

“I saw her with Jisung,” was all I managed to get out before Hyunjin’s eyes were practically blazing with fury.

“That little shit,” Hyunjin cursed, grabbing my hand and leading me through the partygoers who were too busy drunkenly grinding on one another to notice the two of us. “Changbin,” Hyunjin said, interrupting the older boy who was currently fingering the edges of a freshman girl’s panties, practically dry humping through their clothes. 

“What is it?” Changbin snapped at Hyunjin, eyes narrowed until they landed on me. “Y/N,” Changbin said, tone much softer as he abruptly dismissed his date who whined about their loss of contact. “What happened?”

“Jisung needs his ass kicked,” Hyunjin said and Changbin needed no further encouragement.

“Where the hell is he?”

It was frigidly cold in the parking lot and there was way too much going on around me. I could barely handle the yelling between Changbin and Felix, my step-brother having found us outside with Jisung trailing behind him, but Hyunjin was arguing with Seungmin and Jeongin, refusing to let Jisung close to me. This night was rapidly becoming one of the worst of my entire life and that says a lot because I had once watched my own father walk out of the house without so much as a goodbye.

“Get out of the way, Felix,” Changbin suddenly growled, fists balled at his sides.

“It’s not his fault,” Felix tried to explain. 

“Why is Y/N upset, then?” Changbin demanded, shouldering his way through Seungmin and Jeongin who were certainly no match for a physically stronger Changbin.

“He didn’t do anything wrong,” Felix said. “It’s Kara’s fault! She didn’t need to take things that far-”

“Kara!” Changbin interrupted, now even more furious than he was before. “Did you do something to my sister?”

“Not him,” Seungmin suddenly interfered. “Kara and Felix got into a fight and Kara snuck into the locker room to get back at him.”

Changbin took a step back, suspicion bright in his dark eyes. “What did you say?”

“I thought it was Y/N,” Jisung finally spoke up, eyes wet with tears. “She didn’t say anything to me. She just came over and I was waiting for Y/N!”

“What happened to my sister!” Changbin growled.

“She kissed me,” Jisung said, flinching a little when Changbin tried to charge at him, intercepted by Seungmin and Jeongin who held him back by his with as much force as they could manage together. Jisung turned to look at me, gaze entreating as he reached out a hand. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I thought it was you.”

I shook my head, refusing to even look at Han Jisung because my heart was hurting in my chest and the night just continued to grow more and more confusing. “I’ll take care of Y/N,” Hyunjin finally said, sending Jisung a nasty glare before guiding me further and further away from the source of my pain.

But don’t ever let anyone tell you that Seo Changbin didn’t have a soft spot for Han Jisung because, at the drop of a hat, the older boy would immediately be at my husband’s side. And I thoroughly took advantage of this when I asked Jisung to invite Changbin over to our house for dinner one night, the two of them arriving together with Changbin clutching tightly to his sleeping bag. “I guess you’re spending the night,” I remarked.

“Why wouldn’t I? We work at the same place,” came Changbin’s usual response, tossing his bag onto the couch while he followed Jisung into our bedroom, complaining about something to do with the air conditioning. “Your apartment is so much nicer than mine!”

I finished cooking in relative peace, making sure to keep Changbin’s wine glass constantly full because a tipsy Changbin was much easier to deal with than the serious version who would likely explode when he heard my story. “So nice of you Y/N,” Changbin said as he slurped his spaghetti. He and Jisung were always messy when it came to pasta so I tried to ignore their nasty habits. 

“Changbin,” I said, studying the older carefully. “I heard Kara was visiting.”

Changbin shrugged, shoving more food into his impossibly small mouth. “She’s been staying at my place.”

“Really?” I asked. “Why haven’t we had a chance to meet her again.”

Changbin glanced up at me. “You don’t even like, Kara, so why would I bother?”

I rolled my eyes at him. “She’s your sister, of course, I would be interested.”

“She stays busy a lot,” Changbin said.

“With who?”

“With work,” Changbin said, taking another long drink of the expensive wine I bought just for this occasion. 

“She could have come tonight,” I said carefully, but I had been apparently pushing too far because now Changbin was suspicious.

“What are you getting at, Y/N?”

I took a deep breath, sensing Jisung watching the two of us over a mouthful of noodles. “I saw Kara the other day at my mother’s dinner.”

Changbin paused, considering me with a scowl. “What?”

“She came to our dinner,” I repeated. “With Felix.”

And with the exception of Jisung’s chewing, the room had grown relatively silent. “Why am I just now hearing about this?”

Changbin turned an accusatory gaze at Jisung who just rapidly shook his head and drank more wine. “Probably because she didn’t want anyone to know,” I said. “I think your sister might be trying to start something with Felix again and we both know how badly that turned out last time.”

Changbin dropped his fork, crossing his arms over his broad chest. “So nice of everyone to keep me informed.”

I relaxed a little because Changbin wasn’t reacting as violently as I thought he might. “I wanted to be sure and I got the information I needed today.”

Changbin sighed. “What information?”

“Minho looked through Felix’s phone at their dance practice,” I said. “He saw some messages with Kara. Apparently, they’re going to dinner tomorrow night. Isn’t that nice?”

Changbin’s jaw clenched as he took in this news. “And I’m assuming you have something planned?”

“Maybe,” I said with an innocent shrug. “It could be that Minho, Hyunjin, and I happened to make a reservation at the same place.”

“You’re gonna spy on them?”

“Would you rather us not?”

Changbin scoffed, dark hair falling into his eyes. “Are you asking me to come?”

“Only if you want to.”

“Well of course I do,” Changbin grunted impatiently, reaching down for another forkful of spaghetti while I sat back in my chair with satisfaction.

“This is surprisingly classy of Felix,” Hyunjin remarked, rolling down the window of Minho’s SUV to perch a pair of binoculars on the end of his nose.

“Aren’t you taking this too far?” Minho asked his friend.

“These?” Hyunjin asked, adjusting the lenses. “How else am I supposed to see what’s going on?”

“This is my sister we’re talking about,” Changbin spoke up, tugging at the frayed sleeves of his borrowed jacket.

“And Y/N’s stepbrother,” Minho added.

“I don’t claim him by blood,” I said, reaching over to slap Changbin’s hands. “Stop messing with that, you’re gonna ruin it, and this is Jisung’s nicest coat!”

My husband in question had opted to stay at home since he was probably the smartest out of all of us when it came to potential confrontations. “You’re rich enough to buy him another,” Changbin grumbled.

“He doesn’t wear them,” I said. “I buy him all sorts of clothes, but they always sit in his closet.”

“Who’s he trying to impress at an Elementary school?” Hyunjin snorted.

“Can’t we just go inside already?” I asked, slowly massaging my throbbing temples.

“Yeah, but can you shimmy the lock on your door?” Minho requested. “I’m pretty sure it’s broken.”

I accommodated his request before the four of us walked into the restaurant with an air of nonchalance. Nothing but four friends since childhood deciding to eat out together for a gourmet meal. It reminded me of college when the four of us shared the same lecture, a one-time occurrence because Minho forgot a general education course, and we always ate together because it ended in the early evening. 

Of course, there was always the matter of the other three using me to find the answers to our homework assignment because they didn’t feel like completing the calculations.

The hostess inside the restaurant greeted us, checking Hyunjin’s reservation before leading us to our table. “Do you see them?” Hyunjin asked, deciding not to be so discreet in the distracting way he moved his head around, surveying the restaurant landscape with a sharp eye.

“This is so stupid,” Changbin grimaced. 

“Are you too cool to eat with us?” Minho joked, gasping when he noticed the free wine samples menu.

“I’ll look around,” I said. “Give me five minutes.”

“And then what?” Hyunjin asked even as I was already moving away, sticking to the outskirts of the finely decorated tables. According to Minho, Felix and Kara should have already been at the restaurant for half an hour, probably weighing the consequences of keeping their new affair a secret from the rest of us. But I had no intention of letting them sneak away with anything, determined to get to the bottom of whatever relationship Felix was attempting with Changbin’s little sister, the same person who had openly scorned and rejected Felix in the past. This really demonstrates just how powerful a crush can be when it involves someone as determined as Felix.

“Aha!” I murmured quietly, discovering the couple together near the private dining room at the back. Reaching for my cell phone, I sent Minho a quick text message, waiting for a moment or so before I could see the three boys carefully making their way to my hiding spot. 

“Ridiculous,” Changbin muttered, but he let out a disappointed sigh when he saw his sister and Felix together. “I guess you were right.”

Changbin was squatting down in front of the display of plants, peeling back the branches to find a better view. “Damn, Changbin,” I said, reaching down to give his ass an appreciative slap. “Who are you trying to impress?”

“Keep your hands to yourself,” Changbin snapped at me. “It’s not my fault that Han’s flatter than his vocal pitch.”

“Burn,” Hyunjin remarked while I scoffed in response.

“Jisung is a great singer.”

“Yeah, the kids are so impressed,” Minho giggled, ignoring the glare I sent him over my shoulder.

“They can’t be dating,” Changbin said. “I would have known about this. Kara would have told me!”

“That definitely looks like a date to me,” Minho teased Changbin.

“Unless friends share five-star meals now,” Hyunjin commented, glancing at me. “Interested in eating out again tomorrow, Y/N?”

“Only if you pay,” I replied dryly, watching Felix and Kara with intent.

“I can’t stand this,” Changbin declared, attempting to blow our cover by rising to his full height. 

I desperately tugged on his shirt. “They’ll see us!”

“I don’t care,” Changbin grunted, pulling away from me only to march down the staircase to where Felix and Kara were laughing together over a meal of what appeared to be filet mignon and cabernet.

“Should we watch or get involved?” I asked, grinning when Felix finally realized that Changbin had spotted them. The all-consuming look of existential dread passing across his features was well worth the price of admission, including an outrageous gratuity fee.

“Definitely watch,” Minho nodded, tossing an arm around my shoulders. “You did good, Y/N.”

“Unless Changbin causes a scene,” Hyunjin remarked.

“I hope he does because I can record it for Jisung later,” I said, letting out a satisfied grin when Changbin stopped at their table.

Minho was one step ahead of me, pressing the record button at the top of his phone. “Maybe we’ll become YouTube famous!”

“I can’t believe you told him,” Felix snapped at me later. The six of us were outside the restaurant, having decided to pull Changbin and Kara away from the reproachful eyes of the upper elite who wanted to dine in peace. 

“Why wouldn’t I? I’m looking out for you.”

“By outing me to Changbin?”

“Of course,” I nodded, watching as Kara received a stern lecture from her older brother. “You can’t honestly be considering a relationship with Kara?”

“Is there something wrong with that?” Felix asked. 

“You must have a selective memory,” I said. “Or did you forget what happened in high school?”

“That was a long time ago!”

“She also used you during college. Don’t tell me you think she came around campus just for your company?”

Hyunjin, from somewhere to my right, let out a low whistle. Minho stood next to him, taking in the drama unfolding around him with eager eyes. “I don’t care about any of that!” Felix protested. “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”

“Felix,” I said, lowering my tone. “I just want you to be happy.”

“Well you’re doing a really bad job with that,” Felix snapped.

“It’s not because I don’t want things to work out,” I said. “I just know who she is and what she’s capable of.”

“Is that so?”

“You were too, Felix! Everything she ever did to you was always in an effort to hurt you. That’s why I have to interfere, to make sure that she doesn’t do anything like that!”

“Yeah? Well, I don’t care. You aren’t my real sister, so stop trying to act like it!”

His words were crushing and I suddenly felt equivalent to the world’s smallest person as I watched Felix walk away into the haze of city lights.

Jisung was sunshine and he once told me that he would do everything in his power to make me happy, even getting down on one knee to propose at our college graduation ceremony, nervous hands sliding a beautiful ring onto my finger. Jisung always knew when I was feeling sad or angry, dropping everything that he had been working on to make me feel better. Like in instances such as this, when my step-brother publicly disowns me, walking away without looking back once to assess the damage he had made of my fragile heart. “I deserved it,” I told Jisung, closing my eyes against his chest as I enjoyed the soothing water of the bath he prepared for me. 

“No, you didn’t,” Jisung countered, wrapping his arms tightly around my middle. “You thought you were helping him.”

“I guess I have no right to interfere,” I said. “Even if I’m worried that Kara will only hurt him again.”

“And she might,” Jisung agreed. “But I think Felix can handle it. Sometimes, you forget that he’s all grown up.”

“I ruined our relationship,” I said. “Felix won’t ever talk to me again and Kara is probably mad at Changbin.”

“Felix can’t avoid you,” Jisung said. “You have the same friends.”

“Ha,” I snorted. “You don’t know Felix very well. If he sets his mind to something, then there’s nothing that can stop him.”

“Actually, I do know Felix, and that’s why I’m pretty sure he’ll call you any day now and ask to talk.”

I turned around in his arms, trying to see any hint of teasing in Jisung’s brown eyes. “Why do you think that?”

“Because Felix respects you, even if you make him mad,” Jisung said, surprising me with a gentle kiss. “He told me all the time when we were younger that he thinks you’re one of the coolest people he’s ever met.”

“Felix said that?”

“Yeah,” Jisung nodded. “And I completely agree.”

“You’re obligated to say that,” I said. “Marriage and shit.”

“But I’ve always meant it, Y/N,” Jisung insisted. “You have a really good heart and you always have our best intentions in mind, even if that means you feel the need to spy on your step-brother.”

“Now it sounds creepy,” I complained.

“I can’t imagine you dragging around Changbin, Minho, and Hyunjin, hiding behind tables in the middle of an expensive restaurant.”

“That’s funny because I can’t imagine you in an expensive restaurant at all.”

“Really?” Jisung grinned, digging his fingers into my sides. “Try saying that again.”

I squealed in his arms, pleading for mercy. “I thought you wanted to relax?”

“This was all for you,” Jisung said, pulling me onto his lap. “I think we should go to bed early.”

“I am tired,” I smirked.

His cock was hard against my lower back. “What if I let you ride my face?”

“Then you’ll be the best husband in the world.”

The following Saturday, Jisung’s prediction came true when Felix’s name flashed across my phone screen while I enjoyed lunch with Seungmin and Jeongin. “It’s Felix,” I hissed at them before taking the call. “Hello?”

“Y/N,” Felix’s deep voice greeted me on the other end. “I hope you’re not busy.”

“I’m just having lunch,” I said, waving my hand at Seungmin who was attempting to mouth imperceptible words at me from across the table.

“I want to apologize for the other night with Kara,” Felix said. “At dad’s house and at the restaurant.”

“I’m sorry too, Felix,” I said. “I shouldn’t have told Changbin about his sister.”

“No,” Felix sighed. “But Changbin deserves to know the truth. He called me the other day and told me that Kara had left the next morning. She didn’t even bother telling him where she was going.”

I felt my heartbreak for my step-brother. “I didn’t think she would do that.”

“You don’t have to be nice, Y/N,” Felix said. “Everything you said about Kara was true and I should’ve listened.”

“I never did any of that to teach you a lesson, Felix.”

“Yeah,” Felix murmured into the phone. “It doesn't matter anymore. Kara’s gone and I’ll have to move on.”

“But I still feel really bad,” I said. “Maybe we could all hang out tonight? Like we did before we had adult things to worry about.”

Felix chuckled. “I think that sounds nice.”

“Keep your hands away from the food,” I scolded Jisung, giving his ass a firm slap before directing him out of the kitchen. “This is for the party tonight!”

“But it smells good,” Jisung complained.

“You can have as much as you want later,” I said, frowning at Changbin from across the room. “Are you trying to break my mother’s vase?”

The older boy scowled at me. “I can’t reach, alright? You were the one who asked me to decorate.”

“Please help him,” I said, sending Jisung rushing to hang up the streamers before Changbin could possibly sabotage our apartment. The others were due to arrive at any moment and I was already unprepared, food still cooking and my husband and his friend proving to be completely inept at decorating. I wanted everything to be nice for Felix, but honestly? He shouldn’t expect much from this crew.

Graciously, the arrival of Hyunjin brought about an extra few inches of height, allowing the streamers to hang gracefully from the mantlepiece. “What would you do without me, Y/N?” he inquired innocently, handing me the cake he had brought from our cafe.

“I’d need to buy a step ladder,” I teased him, rushing back into the safety of the kitchen to avoid his retaliation. In the meantime, Jisung happily answered the door for our other guests, ushering them inside to crowd our living room. Sadly, our apartment was never meant to be large enough to accommodate this many guests, but it was strangely cozy with all of us together. 

“It’s been a while,” Chan remarked to Changbin. “Why don’t we do this sort of thing anymore?”

“Beats me,” Changbin replied. “But Y/N has a nice selection of wine.”

“I’m glad that’s the reason you come around,” I remarked, bringing out the final tray of food to fill out the rest of the table. “Whenever Felix gets here we can eat.”

“He shouldn’t be so late,” Minho said, trying his best to sneak a cube of cheese from the corner.

“Patience my friend,” I said. “It will make everything taste so much better.”

“Not with your cooking,” Minho teased, protesting when I threw my oven mitt at him over the counter separating the kitchen from the dining room.

“You’ll never change,” I remarked.

“Why would you want me to?” Minho asked, ignoring my glare when he grabbed a handful of popcorn.

“Do you want to be suspended from my house?”

“Jisung would never allow it,” he said, whining at my husband. “Right, Sungie?”

Jisung looked back and forth between the two of us. “You two are sometimes worse than my kids at school.”

Before I could offer a compelling comeback, the ringing of our doorbell paused our conversation. The sound indicated Felix’s arrival and Seungmin was the first to greet him, holding him close as they entered the dining room. “Nice of you to join us,” I said, handing my step-brother a plate. “This is all for you.”

“I’m honored,” Felix said, accent thick as he abruptly pulled me into a vice-like grip that nearly knocked me off my feet.

“Too much,” I choked out.

“Don’t kill my wife,” Jisung joked, intervening before Felix could possibly squeeze any more oxygen from my lungs.

The remainder of the evening passed by with a nostalgic tone, the nine of us gathered together in the living room to watch anime on TV while Hyunjin complained about our newest hiree again. “Hey,” he said, snapping his fingers in my direction. “He already had two strikes. One more mess-up and he’s gone.”

“He’s just a kid, Hyunjin,” I said. “Remember when you used to work at Starbucks? I’m surprised you even managed to stay on for an entire year!”

Hyunjin protested loudly over the laughter of 8 other people who clearly remembered sitting in Starbucks on Campus just to watch Hyunjin mess-up orders while whining at the customers to slow down when he was in charge of the register. “He gave me a macchiato when I asked for an Americano,” Minho said. 

“One time, Hyunjin closed the store an hour early because he forgot about our project,” Seungmin interjected much to Hyunjin’s chagrin who was now very much embarrassed.

Jisung pulled me closer to him on the chair next to the fireplace, watching our friends talk with obvious affection. “I think Felix is happy.”

I nodded my agreement, observing him from afar. “We did a good job.”

“You did a good job,” Jisung corrected, leaning in closer to whisper directly into my ear. “I love you, Y/N.”

“Love you more,” I said, gripping tightly to Jisung’s hand with no intention of ever letting go because our hold on another had never lessened from the very first day we met as kids, unaware that we would be sharing the rest of our forever together.

[animated-moon]

Good morning my little lamb! How was your sleep? I hope you have been getting more sleep since you haven’t been for the past week.

*blushes* if you really must know then yes, I do dream about you my moon *turns head away*.

About you though, some birdies on the team have been telling me about how you keep having mental breakdowns. Do you want me to come over? I know that it isn’t a full solution, but since you love me so much I figure I can at least make your day shine my sweets <3.

My day could’ve been better my lovely. Wakatoshi-Kun and Semi semi have caught me practicing when I wasn’t supposed to, and have lectured me for hours. I It wasn’t that bad though! It was only 3 and half hours of extra practice, I would’ve called you but then I would be risking getting you caught as well.

But how are you doing so far Mx.Tendou? Should I send over some chocolate milk to your place? Or just bring to you directly if you want me to come over?

Love you my paradise~

- your husband💜

ah, my sweetest! it’s been a while hasn’t it? i’m so sorry for responding to this much later than i usually do, but i know that you know things haven’t been the easiest lately :,) i’ll explain more at the end of this reply!

yup!! i’m getting more sleep than usual! all thanks to you, my lovely~ <3 oho? it was just a teasing statement, but now i’m curious. what do you dream of me? hmmm?

oh! you DARE go to extra practice WITHOUT ME? forget getting caught, my sun, i’d do practically anything to spend time with you <3 besides, i’ve been playing more volleyball recently (my thighs and arms are SORE :,) and i have bruises on my arm from the stupid balls, but SOON! i’ll be good enough to at least play in the court)

FROM THIS POINT ON IT WILL BE ME RANTING ABOUT MY PROBLEMS AND THERE MAY BE SENSITIVE TOPICS. PLEASE PLEASE DONT READ IF YOURE UNCOMFY. I DONT GUARANTEE ANYTHING

well,, about that. since we ARE wedded, and i’ve been running from my problems, i think it’s time to come clean to this. i’m not exactly doing well anywhere and my mental health has been far from okay. still better than many, though. i should really be grateful for that but i just can’t. anyways <3

also tendou anon: ily. the short version is just: i have insecurities and i am mentally unstable and i am being unnecessarily sad about it 👍👍 followed by me being stupid and having parental issues <3 summed it up in case you didn’t wanna read all t h a t

i’m having a series of small but important exams recently and i can’t say i’m really doing well in school either, so i’ve taken it upon myself to at least work hard and try my best to finish all my schoolwork, get enough sleep and still have time for some more relaxing things, like tumblr. i dont know if you know just how alleviating it is to see people pop into my ask box to chat or to request or just ANYTHING, which is why i really, really love and appreciate you (i’m getting off topic, let me steer back). well, anyway, how should i say this? tumblr has been like my escape from reality, like my paradise. somewhere i can be without having to meet already-made expectations, without having to pretend like everything in my life is fine and without having to simply pretend. lately i’ve been less and less active because of all the personal problems i’m facing, and i do apologize for that, although i know i don’t need to.. i just- gosh i don’t even know where i’m going with this at all.

since i’ve addressed my inactivity, i’ll talk about my mental health. it’s been months since i’ve had any insecurities popping out randomly to taunt me and pick at every single thing i do. since around the start of july, though, everything started falling back onto me. i started realizing and criticizing every little thing i did and myself as a person. recently it’s only gotten worse, and it’s disgusting for myself to doubt some of my closest friends and their friendship with me, but i cant help but think they’re all going to leave me for some newer, more fun and more interesting friend. after all, in reality, i’m just plain old me. i sound so unbothered by everything, i look unapproachable, i’ve even given up on almost every aspect of myself. why would they want someone like me, right? it’s stupid, and i shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts, but i can’t do anything about them. sometimes it feels like i give so much but they never give in return. i pick up their siblings from classes, i take time out of my already packed schedule to help them solve their boy problems, i always try my best to take their feelings into consideration. at least in my point of view, i did nothing wrong? did i? i don’t know why everything’s going wrong and why everyone’s slipping out of my lives when they’ve barely even been there.

tw//suic*de and de*th and starving and really bad parents under this

i’ve been suicidal since a few years back and i only have a single reason to live. that single reason is my one of my two best friends. he’s amazing in every way possible, and i don’t truly know what love is, but if i loved someone, it’d be him. he brought me out of my darkest times when i’d attempted suicide and we made a promise to both live on. we still do talk, but since he’s older and busier, these times just get less and less frequent, and i’m so scared to lose the one thread still tying me to the world.

and, my parents. i think they’re the largest contributing factor to my current situation. lord, i can’t tell you how many times i’ve passed out from exhaustion, being fucking forced to study for exams. how many times that woman has threatened to k*ll me and starve me for the tiniest things ever. in my entire life, no matter what happened to me, she’s never said a genuine sorry to me before. her nonexistent social awareness is almost funny, if it weren’t so fucking annoying. whining and babytalking with my dad all fucking day at max volume as if i weren’t in the house. all that slandering of the lgbtq+ community and being racist, all that shittalking about me as if i can’t hear them at all. all they know is how to be disgusting, manipulative shitheads, thinking theyre the boss of everyone and that they can order me around like im an inanimate object. IM EIGHTEEN, FOR FUCKS SAKE. IVE BEEN TAKING CARE OF MYSELF SINCE 13. LEAVE ME TF ALONE.

i just,, i dont know. fuck them, fuck everyone, fuck everything. i want to just end it all so bad but i know i’d just be more of a burden to everyone like that, or so i’d like to believe.

that is all. that’s the longest i’ve ever ranted in ages, lord. i won’t say i’m fine right now, but i won’t say i’m doing good. i’m just barely hanging in there, and i don’t know what else to say about this.

sorry for the long rant! i have lots more i’m upset about, but i’m not ready to share it with anyone yet, sorry. for anyone who actually read until this part, please just somehow ignore this. thanks

[everythingisgayandnothinghurts]

The Darkest Depths - Part 1

A visit from his mom is meant to be harmless, but instead it sends TK into a tailspin of depression and darkness.  Will he be strong enough to fight or will he be dragged down into the darkest depths?

“TK, can you stay a minute?” The young firefighter turned on his heel at his father’s voice and made his way up the stairs two at a time to approach the glass encased office.  The flash of anxiety would never fail to hit when his father asked him into his office.  It had been a good day on the job, no losses and every success.  He hadn’t had a problem on any calls or taken any risks deemed unnecessary.  Despite knowing it had been a smooth day, TK couldn’t help thinking for a moment that he was in trouble.  The look on his father’s face didn’t help this fear as TK took in the pinched skin by his eyes and his lingering frown.  

“What’s up?  Everything okay?” TK asked as he slowly sat in one of the vacant chairs in front of the desk.  His father hesitated and that alone made TK’s nerve skyrocket.  His father didn’t hesitate about anything.  He only hesitated when it was bad news or when it had to do with-

“Your mother is coming to town.”  His father looked like he had swallowed something sour and while TK was glad it wasn’t detrimental news he still wasn’t thrilled about this impromptu visit.  

“To Austin?  For how long?” His shoulders slumped and he was already gearing up for a miserable dinner or two with both of his parents.  

“For a weekend.  She wants to have dinner with us.  She wants to make sure this is an okay life for you after the shooting and all.”  It was always amazing how bitter his father sounded when he spoke of his ex-wife sometimes.  Particularly when said ex was coming to check up on them.  To see if Owen could provide for him properly after she left.  

“Does she mean to act like I’m a kid still?” TK grumbled as he watched his father slump into the chair behind his desk.  “Does she realize I'm an adult and I can choose a life for myself?  She acts like she has a right to examine my life after she’s the one that left it.”

“Now, she is still your mother and she cares for you very much,” The familiar lecture came up and it seemed like no matter how much time went by or how often TK was hurt he was still required to respect the woman who gave birth to him.  He had fond memories with his mother when he was a kid, but that didn’t change the sting of when she left when he was nine.  She chased a career ladder higher than he could join her for and now she was a top prosecutor in upstate New York.   “I’m going to set us up to have dinner at the house Saturday night, alright?  We’re both off that weekend and we can have a nice night in.  I would say bring Carlos but…”

“It’s likely not going to stay civil,” TK finished for him and felt a little bad as his father cringed.

“I wish that wasn’t the case, but she likes to hit nerves.  Maybe you could introduce her to Carlos on Sunday before she leaves?  I know she would want to meet him.”

“And interrogate him on his life choices and how he’s treating me?” TK rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair.  “We’ll see how dinner goes first.  I’ll gage what sort of mood she’s in.  I promise I’ll iron a shirt and seem somewhat put together, okay?”

“I’m sorry this is hard for you,” His father apologized and TK could see the guilt in his clear eyes.  “I know dinners with both of us isn’t your favorite.  I will do my best to steer things in a civil direction.  She doesn’t know about your latest overdose and I promise it will stay that way.”

“I’m kind of surprised she hasn’t pulled any and all hospital records for the last year,” TK sighed and got to his feet.  “I gotta head out for dinner with Carlos.  Mom will be mom and then she’ll be gone again and we can get back to normal.  I’m not too worried about it, but thanks for the heads up.  Making vegan lasagna?”

“It’s the only vegan dish she likes so yeah,” His father pulled him into a fond hug before sending him out the door.  

It took him under twenty minutes to get home, but TK couldn’t remember one minute of his drive to the place that most felt like home in Austin.  He was trying not to make this visit a big deal, but he couldn’t dread the questioning and examining and somehow he knew his mom knew more than what his dad had told her.  She had a lot of pull in New York and somehow she probably knew he had overdosed six months ago and coupled with getting shot she was coming around to tell them both what a mess they were making of things.  Her visits weren’t light, especially on such short notice.  

“Something wrong with dinner?” Carlos asked him after they had sat in silence for most of their shared meal.  TK shook himself out of memories and assumptions and realized he hadn’t eaten much of the steak and potatoes Carlos had made for them.  

“No, it’s good I’m sorry,” TK ate a bite of his cold meal and chewed thoughtfully.  “My mom is coming for a visit this weekend.”

“That’s big,” Carlos remarked and it was funny how even he knew how out of the ordinary this was.  “She on a business trip out here?”

“She’s coming to evaluate my life since I got shot,” TK sighed and went back to pushing around his food.  “Which means she’s going to come out here and criticize anything she can and make us seem like we’re doing everything wrong.  She hates that I”m a firefighter like my dad, always has.  She thinks it’s too dangerous and too consuming of a career.”

“Most parents are pretty proud of first responders,” Carlos frowned and reached to put a hand on his knee.  “I’m sorry she makes you feel bad about something undeniably heroic.  Does she know how much you love it and how good you are at your job?”

“That would probably make her more bitter and angry,” TK felt his stomach twist and already knew he would be lucky to manage half of this huge meal.  “She’s not an easy woman to please.  She has opinions and never would accept that maybe she’s wrong.  She hated how my dad chose the firehouse over our family a lot after the towers fell.  He was at work more than he was home for months.   She ended up leaving us less than a year after that and she has always parented from afar since then.  I chose dad in the divorce and ever since I’ve followed in his footsteps.  It’s driven her crazy and she’s never approved.  Plus I turned out gay, and while she won’t say it I know it disappointed her.  It’s complicated where she’s concerned.”

“That’s a lot going on,” Carlos had put his full attention on him now, and TK felt bad he was soiling another meal.  

“It’s okay, really.  It’s just a weekend and then she’ll go back to New York.  I’ll be fine.  I know she loves me, strong opinions aside.”  He sighed and rubbed his forehead.  “She may want to meet you.  If you’re okay with that.”

“I would be happy to meet her if that’s what you want,” Carlos rested a hand on his back and rubbed gentle circles.  “You’re a good man Tyler, and she can see that.  Anyone with half a brain could see that.  It’s just for a weekend.”

“A very long weekend,” TK echoed as he leaned into Carlos’s touch.   How much damage could be done in one weekend?

~~~~~

The rental car pulled into their driveway and TK bit his lip, feeling ten years younger suddenly and back in high school all over again.  He hadn’t seen his mother in almost a year and he hadn’t been eager to reunite.  He loved her, but not so much when his dad was around at the same time.  They had gotten less civil as time had gone by, starting with his dad’s second wife and not improving even after the second divorce.  

“You good?” HIs dad put a hand on his shoulder as they both watched her finish up a phone call while in the car.   Truthfully he felt like he could be sick at any moment, but he could get through another dinner and only hope she knew nothing more than what they told her.   

“I’ll be fine,’ TK felt like he had said that countless times since learning she was coming.  “You got the wine ready?”

“Funny,” Owen said dryly with a roll of his eyes.  

“You think I’m joking, but there’s no way you two are getting through this without it.” 

“ We’ll get through this, kid.”  They both watched as Gwynth got off the phone and out of the car.  She was dressed casually in jeans and a blouse and to the observer she seemed perfectly harmless.  She seemed like any other mother coming home for dinner with her family.  

“I’ll get the door,” TK headed toward the door, a small part of him glad to see his mother after his near death experience.  They may not agree on everything, but she was still his mother and he would have hated to never see her again.  

“Hi mom,” TK said, swinging the door open wide and bringing her into his arms gently.  

“My baby boy,” She said softly as she pressed a kiss to the side of his head.  “It’s good to see you standing on your own two feet.  You need to stop having these injuries TK, you’ll make my heart stop one of these times.”

“I’ll try I promise,” TK ushered her inside and waited for the sniping to begin.  His parents tried to be civil for his sake, but it was safe to say it didn’t always work.  They had three courses to get through together and then hopefully not be all in the same room for another year.  

The salad and lasagna went off without too many problems.  There was the usual amount of sarcasm and sniping around, but nothing unusual.  His mom made the usual comments about his job and his choice to move at all from New York, but if that was all she was here to gripe about TK was grateful.  

“I think we lost TK to fantasies about his boyfriend,” Owen teased as he noticed TK zoning out by the time they were having some pie for dessert.

“Are you seeing someone?” His mother’s interest was piqued now and TK felt himself blushing before he even answered the question.  

“Uh, yeah his name is Carlos,” TK glanced between the two of them.  “It’s a pretty recent thing, but he’s really great.  Better than I could ask for.”

“Let’s just hope he’s fine with never seeing you and having your life at risk constantly.  Not to mention never settling down.”  Gwynth’s comments came off as harmless, but it felt like glass pricking his skin and digging deeper.

“Gwynth,” Owen said warningly.  “You need to quit.”

“What?” His mother said as if there was nothing wrong with her assumptions.  “You both insist that TK can make all his own choices and his choices sum up to never being home and constantly being in and out of hospitals.  We both know TK isn’t really the type to settle down.”

“I asked Alex to marry me,” TK said stiffly, the reminder nearly gutting him.  He hated to bring up Alex, but he couldn’t just let that comment lie.  “I am perfectly capable of settling down when the guy isn’t cheating on me, Mom.”

“How do you expect to settle down with this career you’ve chosen?  Do you really think it’s fair to put a spouse through what your father made me go through?  All you two have talked about tonight is your new team at the firehouse.  The two of you will never change from obsessing about your jobs.  Who would ever be okay with that kind of life?”

“Carlos is a police officer,” TK said quietly, her words echoing in his head and he hated the doubts that were rising within him.  Did he have a right to ask Carlos for that kind of life with him?  He already had enough reasons to leave, but would that be one of them? “He understands the hours of the job.”

“You plan on settling down with someone else who is never home?  How is that going to be a life for a kid?  Doesn’t that strike you as selfish?  TK, darling, you need to think a little with that pretty little head.  If your father has taught you anything, I hoped it would be that this lifestyle isn’t good for a family.  Don’t you remember how he left us constantly when you were a kid?”

“I didn’t leave,’ Owen protested with his eyes full of worry as he gazed over at TK.  “If the towers hadn’t fallen it would have been different.  TK and I have always had a great relationship, even with my unsuitable career as you would put it Gwen.”

“I know you think I’ve chosen everything wrong,” TK said quietly as he gazed down at the half-eaten pie on his plate.  

“I don’t,” Gwenyth protested as she leaned forward earnestly.  “But you can’t pretend like this life is the best for you.  You’ve been in the hospital shot after only being in Austin a few months and that’s not even talking about all the visits last year from injuries.  Not to mention your little overdose.”

It felt like wind was roaring in his ears as TK felt his extremities go numb when she brought up the worst moment of his life.   He had known she would dig it up, but still a part of him hoped she didn’t know.  This was one thing he couldn’t handle being thrown in his face.  

“How could you bring that up?” Owen hissed as TK struggled to breathe let alone find words to respond with.  “How do you even know about that?  Why are you digging up his records?”

“Well, Owen, if you would just bear to be honest with me I wouldn’t have to.  I just had his hospital records pulled and I assumed I wouldn’t be finding any surprises.  An overdose and neither of you thought to tell me?”  His mother was livid and it was clear this was what she had really wanted to get to.  

“I had it handled!” His father’s voice started to rise and TK felt his hands start to shake.  “It was nothing more than an accident.  He’s going to meetings and going to therapy sessions.  I can take care of my son without your help.”

“An accident?  Is that what he told you it was?  He’s been using since he was fifteen and you think he could overdose by accident? Please tell me you’re joking, Owen.” Gwenyth’s words were like out of his own personal horror movie.   Not only did she know about the overdose, she wasn’t about to buy that it was an accident.  Truthfully TK didn’t know if he had meant to kill himself that night after Alex had revealed his infidelity.  He hadn’t lied when his father had asked, but now he wasn’t entirely sure it had been the truth.  He had known he was taking a few too many pills.  He hadn’t assumed it would kill him necessarily, but he couldn’t say he would have cared at the time if it had.  It had been a year since that horrible day and his life had improved in each and every way.  Carlos was responsible for a lot of the happiness he had in his life now.  He was the most amazing boyfriend TK could ask for, but sometimes he really doubted he deserved someone that amazing.  

“I have to go,” TK got out between numb lips, knowing he had to go find Carlos before his panicked brain made him do anything stupid.  This dinner was too much for him to handle.  Normally dinner with his mom was mildly unpleasant, but this time she had come to draw blood.  He knew most of it was directed towards his dad’s parenting, but it still hurt when it was about something that personal.  “I’m sorry Mom, but I need to go.  It was good to see you.”

Both of his parents called after him, but nothing could stop him from grabbing his jacket and stumbling outside his dad’s house, gulping in the fresh air like he was a drowning man.  That house felt suffocating with the two of them once again going at it with him in the middle of their arguing.   It brought up bad memories of their divorce when he was younger.  He hated them arguing, always had.  

He pulled out his phone and pressed his latest call to hold to his ear.  Carlos was always top of his recent calls list and today was no exception.  It didn’t take long before Carlos answered, barely finished with his shift for the day but TK knew he was off tomorrow with him.  

“C-come get me,” TK stuttered over the line with his entire body shaking and his mind whirling in a million directions.  His mother’s screaming disapproval echoed around him and her accusation that he tried to kill himself acted like a noose.  “Please, please, come.”

“Baby, tell me where you are,” Carlos’s soft voice urged him from the other end.  “Are you still at your dad’s house?”

“I’ll meet you at the station,” TK forced himself to focus enough that he realized he had started walking in the direction of his second home without realizing.  “I couldn’t stay there.  I had to get away.”

“I’ll be right there, okay?” Carlos soothed him as best as he could over the phone.  “Deep breaths for me, okay Tiger?  It’s going to be okay.”

“It was awful,” TK said tearfully as he curled up on the front steps of his favorite place in Austin other than Carlos’s house.  “It was like she picked me apart slowly and thoroughly with no regard for my feelings.  She wanted to hurt my dad and shredded me apart in the process.”  He let out a sob and barely heard Carlos swear softly before trying to comfort him as best he could over the line while he raced to get there.

They were silent until the crunch of gravel told TK his boyfriend had arrived not a minute too late.  He shakily pressed the red phone at the bottom of the screen and curled into himself to sob softly.  Carlos didn’t waste a moment to fling open his door and kneel next to him and wrap his arms around him.  “Shh, carino, I”m here now.  I’m so sorry she was awful to you.  It’s okay, love.”

“She doesn’t think we’re gonna m-make it,” TK sobbed out against Carlos’s shoulder.  “She doesn’t think I can have a family.  She thinks I chose everything w-wrong in my life.  She can never be p-proud of me.”

“She doesn’t know you, amor,” Carlos told him with a kiss to his head.  “She doesn’t know us.   Let’s get you home and in a warm shower, okay?  We have all day tomorrow to ignore everyone else.  Let me take you home.”

TK curled against the door as he let Carlos buckle him into the passenger seat as he felt like he was drowning in something dark and awful that had been opened by his mother.  It was starting to rain and the sound was soothing as he closed his eyes and tried his best to stop crying.  It wasn’t new what his mother said, none of it.  Lately, however, he had been having so many doubts about himself as the one year anniversary of his overdose came up.  He had been starting to feel numb again even with Carlos as his loving boyfriend and having the most amazing team at work.  He had thought that the numbness would fade once he could find happiness.  He thought happiness was really something you sought after, but he was finding that happiness continued to slip away from him.  

“You ready to come inside?” TK blinked to see Carlos in front of him crouched next to the open car door as rain drizzled down on him, making the curls he loved appear.  He shook himself and slowly undid the seatbelt as he felt a blush rise to his face.  

“Do you think I’m overreacting?  Plenty of moms say stupid shit and not everyone acts like...this.”  TK stands and it feels as if his shoulders are weighed down with bricks.  

“I don’t know much about your mom,” Carlos said slowly as he took his hand and lead them inside.  The door closed and TK already felt safer behind it than he did out there.  TK felt at home here in more ways than just a place to sleep.  He felt safe here and protected by the man at his side.  “I think this is different because she left you.  You want to please her and that’s perfectly normal.  She isn’t around so you feel like you want to please her from afar and when it doesn’t work you feel like you failed.”

“I just wish she could say she was proud of me,” TK wipes tears away only for them to be replaced moments later.  He felt miserable and angry and while it was better than the empty numbness it wasn’t pleasant.  “Would it kill her to acknowledge that i’ve survived a lot for being under the age of thirty?  Then after never being around she thinks she has the right to snoop around and pull up my overdose to throw that in my face over dinner?  Does she think it doesn’t make me feel anything to think about that day?”

“She didn’t have a right to do that,” Carlos agreed quietly as TK paced around the living room running his hands through his hair repeatedly.  “That was an invasion of privacy.”

“Ever since she left everything is about her failed relationship with my father,” TK ranted.  “My entire life has been about their divorce.  I chose the wrong parent to live with when I was younger.  I didn’t make the right kind of grades in high school like my father.  I went to fire academy and she didn’t even come to the graduation.  She didn’t so much as send a card saying she was proud of me for something I wanted to do.  She never bothers to show up when I’m injured on the job.  She just talks to all my doctors and pulls my files before yelling at me about my career choices.”  He had started crying some time during this rant while Carlos sat on the couch silently watching him.  “Then I tell her I’m with someone I really like and all she can do is tell me about how I chose the wrong person and how I am going to be a horrible father and a horrible partner.   How I can’t have a family because of my career.  Where does she get off judging me on a life she’s never wanted to take a part in?  She claims she’s here to see me after I got shot, but really she’s only here to judge everything about my life and try to talk me out of doing what I love for the millionth time.”

“Okay, take it easy Ty,” Carlos stood up to stop his pacing that had gotten faster and faster while he talked.  “One weekend and she’s gone, remember? You’re right that she doesn’t have a right to judge your choices when she doesn't want to be a part of them.  You’re right to feel hurt and angry and upset, okay?  I just hate to see you cry like this.”

“I need a shower,” TK muttered, knowing he was reacting badly to something he had even admitted was temporary, but the words cut deep.  He was so tired of feeling not good enough no matter how many lives he saved.  He was tired of the struggle to get up every morning and act like that day was going to be better than any of the others.  He was supposed to feel happy at some point.  He was supposed to find it when he found Carlos, but that simply wasn’t true.  The honeymoon phase was over for them and now it was back to the struggle.  He had thought the overdose had to do with Alex, but honestly it was so much more than the break up.  He had never felt good enough for anyone, even his own expectations.  

He scrubbed at his skin harshly under the hot spray of water, trying to scrub away the way his mother’s criticisms seemed to crawl on his skin.  Scrubbing away all his imperfections, but there were so many that he wasn’t sure what was left.  His mother had always thought he was rather airheaded and couldn’t think for himself.  She thought he was unsuitable to have a family.  She knew about the overdose and how weak did that make him to her?  She saw straight through him.  She knew he had tried to take his own life and couldn’t even do that properly.  Now he was dragging Carlos through his problems and making him take care of the damaged person that was left.  Nobody deserved the task of picking up his pieces and he truly wished he cared enough to do it for himself.  He didn’t think he was worth the effort.  

He shuffled from the shower into bed with skin that was far too red and Carlos looked at him in concern over top of his book.  TK avoided his eyes and tried to hide the flinch as his sensitive skin came in contact with the sheets.  He flopped down onto the pillow and tried to prepare himself for a sleepless night next to a man nobody thought he deserved.  

“Give me your arm,” Carlos’s voice was soft, but firm enough to hold no argument.  TK glanced over to see he had pulled out a bottle of lotion from his nightstand.  

“You don’t have to take care of me,” TK mumbled but gave over his red arm anyways.

“I get to take care of you,” Carlos told him with a gentle smile. “Especially when you can’t.  It’s just some lotion, okay?”

TK was silent as he let Carlos massage the smooth lotion into his abused skin.  How long before the darkness consumed him this time and even Carlos couldn’t save him?

[screamingatanemptyroom]

I Can’t Eat Love Side Part 5- Queen Amerande (END)

Hey everyone, this is the final side part to the I Can’t Eat Love series. Thank you to everyone who has stuck through this whole process. I have loved writing it, loved answering the asks and hearing your thoughts on the characters and the stories. I cherished each message, comment, fan art... all of it! 

Masterpost is linked here.

For the last time, please Enjoy!

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In a previous life…

If I could have one wish in this life… No matter the cost, I would only use it for her happiness 

“This is for you, dear. This necklace protects our family, brings good luck!” My mother smiled as she placed the golden chains around my neck. “My own mother told me that it can even grant wishes! So keep it with you in Reterand.”

I played with the small sapphire amulet, my mood which had been down becoming slightly better. “But mother, I don’t know the crown prince very well, what if he isn’t a good man?”

I hadn’t been happy since my engagement had been announced. Reterand was a good kingdom, the western neighbor to my country Giral. Even though I was a princess, and I had always known that my marriage would be political in nature … I couldn’t pretend I was excited to marry the man I had only met once before. I had even heard he had been previously engaged, and had broken off the relationship for this alliance. What kind of marriage could this be?

My mother shrugged sadly. “It’s hard to say, dear. I hope your marriage will be happy.” She seemed to be looking past me, “Find joy in other things, so that your happiness is not dependent on him. “

“…” I hugged my mother silently, wondering not for the first time if she and my father were happy.

__________________________________

I was married into the Reterand royalty, and less than a year later his father had stepped down. I was the Queen of a foreign nation.

And I was very lonely.

 My husband was a cold, calculating man. He was polite, never raising his voice to me, but there was a distance between us that couldn’t be crossed. It was painful, it was regretful, but I had always known this was a possibility. I tried to find happiness within other things as my mother had suggested and kept up a cordial façade. Despite the coldness in our marriage, we attended to our duties as monarchs. I quickly gave birth to an heir, a boy we named Ronan after the previous king. I had a husband, a child, a family… it should have been one of the happiest times in my life.

But it was at that time that the King broke all that remained of the good sentiment I had held towards him, by forbidding me from raising our son.

“You’re too weak.” His voice was chilling, forcing me to step back despite my panic. “You’ll drag him down. He will learn from me, and the rest can be taught by the tutors.” 

“HE’S MY CHILD!” I was screaming, all thought of etiquette and calm long forgotten. “HOW CAN YOU KEEP ME FROM HIM?!”

His face didn’t change despite the rage I showed. “He’s a future king before that. You may see him once a week for tea, but that is all.”

I wish that I had left him then, sometimes. Broken ties and returned home to Giral. But I stayed, refusing to leave my child behind. Hoping the restrictions would be relaxed with time. 

I could only stand off to the side and watch my son be raised by others. Fortunately he grew up healthy and happy, although he seemed a little reckless and arrogant sometimes, even for such a small child.  I felt guilty. I was too weak to defend my position as a mother. And so life went on. I thought I had buried my heart, given up on those maternal feelings to protect myself.

But then I met that girl.

__________________________________

“This is my daughter, Lenora.” Seline, a beautiful but cold woman, pushed a young girl about four or five years old out in front of her. I was wary at their approach. I had long since learned that she had been my husband’s former fiancé, and had married the Duke of Armeny instead. I was worried she might be seeking revenge, but as I studied her closely I was surprised. There was intense dislike in her gaze, but no hatred. She even seemed willing to curry favor with me, curtsying deeper than required by her rank.

“She is the same age as your son, Ronan.” These sly words broke me from my reverie. I looked up to see her glancing over at her husband with a haughty expression, as if expecting praise and adoration for her words. I realized quickly why Seline hadn’t been focused on me… she was too obsessed with herself. She was obviously hoping to gain favor and pampering by making her daughter the future Queen.

What a selfish woman. I opened my mouth to reject the hidden offer in her words. 

“Hello!” A quiet voice caught me off guard, and I turned to face the small girl standing before me. 

She had pretty features, framed by light curls. Her face was brightened by her intelligent, expressive eyes and her wide grin. She reached into a pocket in her dress pulling out something and holding it up to me with a shy look. 

“Is this for me?” I asked softly, unsure of how to react. She nodded and opened her fingers to reveal a small stone.  

A rock?

Lenora looked up at me, scuffing one foot against the floor nervously. “The prettiest stone I could find in our garden. I was going to keep it by my bed but…” She paused and then smiled brightly. “I want you to have it, since you’re pretty too!”

I took the rock from her, taken aback at how relieved she seemed just by me accepting her gift. How did her parents normally treat her? “Thank you, Lenora, I will treasure it.”

“YAY! I’m so happy you like it!” The small form flung herself into my arms. As the girl hugged me tightly, I felt a huge shift in my heart, the kind that left a person completely changed, never to be the same again.

I loved this girl.

“We should discuss an engagement.” I smiled down at Lenora, not caring about how Seline responded. This girl would be my daughter-in-law in the future, my family. I would stay by her, love her, and help raise her.

__________________________________

“You did well!” I patted Lenora on the back, watching her sympathetically. It had been a particularly brutal etiquette lesson. Her mother had attended, a fortunately rare occurrence but one that never failed to cause problems. Seline had watched the lesson with an impatient expression, speaking critically to Lenora over and over until Mrs. Rendler was forced to end the lesson early. I had been late, only catching the last few minutes but even that was enough to break my heart.

“It’s okay, mother is right…” Lenora stared down at her feet. “I’m useless.”

I pulled her into my arms, hugging her, “YOU ARE NOT USELESS! You are a wonderful girl, and I am so proud to have such a smart and kind daughter.” I had long since dropped the “in-law” and simply called her my own child now. It wasn’t like her real mother was around enough to care. “Keep working hard, but don’t hurt yourself. You’re doing very well.”

“Really?”  The quiet hope in her face was hard to see. She should be confident, she was skilled, intelligent, and beautiful… but she couldn’t see any of it. Her family ignored her or used her, and my son hadn’t paid enough attention to notice how wonderful the girl he was supposed to marry was. Between all of them, they had buried her in self-doubt, keeping my compliments from being truly meaningful to her.

“I love you, dear. One day I will convince you how amazing you are.”

Lenora smiled, although the expression was slightly sad. “I love you too, Your Majesty.”

I felt a slight pain in my chest at the address. I wanted her to call me mother. But Seline had told the girl to never ignore etiquette and she was afraid of her disapproval. One day, however, when she married Ronan, she would be able to call me that without censure.

I looked forward to it.

__________________________________

“I’m so worthless!”

The girl was sobbing uncontrollably on the floor  in her room. It was her 16th birthday, what should be a happy occasion, but she was alone and sad once more. I felt another burst of irritation at that foolish son of mine. He was obviously the one who had tripped during the dance, but had blamed the fall on her! I decided to lecture him again, but I felt a stab of fear in my heart that he was too arrogant to listen.

I was no longer sure if I had chosen the right path forward. I wanted Lenora to be happy and yet… I couldn’t break the engagement now. Her reputation would be ruined. Her parents were doing their best to throw away their own wealth and dignity, and all the girl had to depend on was her status as future Queen. What would happen if that were taken away?

Ronan grow up soon, he’s still young. He can still be a reliable man, a good husband to Lenora.

Sighing, I sat down next to her on the ground and held her, one hand patting her back.

“I love you, and I always will. No matter what.”  I didn’t know what else to say. After a long while she finally calmed down, and I smiled, helping her wipe away her tears. Thinking for a moment I retrieved the present I had planned on giving to her today, handing it over quietly.

The sapphire necklace, my family heirloom.

I took in her shocked face with glee. Lenora had seen this necklace as a young girl and had loved it, often asking to take it out and look at it. I had once thought to give it to her after she married Ronan, after she became my daughter-in-law, but had recently changed my mind. I no longer knew for certain what the future might hold, but I did know this: Lenora would always be my daughter, and therefore should have this necklace whether she married Ronan or not.

I hope it brings you happiness dear. If it does grant wishes, that is my only one. I didn’t say it out loud though, but kept in my heart a bright hope for what the future might bring.

__________________________________

“What did you say?” I grabbed the servant’s arm weakly, looking up at him with a horrified expression.

“I-I’m sorry, Your Majesty.” He stammered, looking terrified. “But Prince Ronan has already broken the engagement with Lady Lenora at his birthday party, and announced his engagement to another.”

“How could this…?” I groaned, a stabbing pain in my stomach making it difficult to think. I had become sick the night before my son’s birthday party, and had been bedridden for the past four or five days. I had only now been well enough to ask after Lenora, and was now shocked at what I had heard.

I had tried to bring them together. Trading my weekly tea time with Ronan to the King , I only asked in return that the prince would spend that with Lenora instead. I hoped that if he saw her and spoke with her more, he might learn how wonderful she was. It was a simple thought, perhaps a naïve one, but it was all I could do.

And now it was too late 

The engagement had been broken five days ago. What had Lenora suffered in that time? I knew all too well how cruel the nobility could be. Having lost her status, with no one to protect her…

I needed to see her, now.

I was still weak, every muscle in my body screaming in pain as I pushed myself out of bed. The servants tried to stop me, protesting that I was too ill to travel, but I ignored them. Pushing my way out, I struggled to stay awake on the carriage ride over.

“Your Majesty.” A grim faced young woman, who I recognized as Lenora’s personal maid, met me at the gate.

“How is Lenora?” I pushed the words out, feeling nauseous from the carriage ride.

“She is… very upset.”

“I need to see her.” I shook my head to clear it, and started to walk forwards, only to be stopped by the maid. 

“I’m sorry, Your Majesty.” She looked regretful. “Miss gave very specific orders that she didn’t want to see you.” 

“You must be mistaken.”

The lady’s maid didn’t seem too bothered by my irritated tone. She leaned forward, whispering conspiratorially “She’s very angry, I’m afraid. I overheard the Miss say that you reminded her of Prince Ronan, and seeing you would only cause her pain.” 

She doesn’t want to see me? It didn’t seem right. I wished I were more clear-headed, but the illness still had a strong grip on me. Barely able to move, I returned to my carriage and my rooms, feeling heartbroken.

__________________________________

It took weeks for me to fully recover. During that time I sent countless letters to Lenora. But they were never answered. I tried a few more times to visit, but was rejected at the gate by her maid each time. I missed her dearly, worried for her constantly, but still she avoided me.

The Duchy of Armeny was buried in debt. I was forbidden from interfering, but in return I was guaranteed that Lenora and her parents would be allowed a small place to live. At least she wouldn’t be out on the streets. I tried again to contact her before she left, but my letter was ignored as always.

I was alone, so lonely that the feeling seemed to carve itself deeper into my heart, taking over my soul. Trying to comfort myself, I tried to feel reassured that Lenora would be okay, even if she didn’t have me by her side.

Your daughter is smart and resourceful. Even if she hates you, even if she doesn’t want your help, she will find her own way.

Even if it took some time for her to heal, I would be patient. I would see her again. We could be together again. I just needed to wait a little longer.

She just needed a little more time.

__________________________________

“Lenora’s dead.”

Edith, my son’s new fiancé, gave me the news with a casual smile. I stared back at her, the words rang in my head, repeating over and over until they became nonsensical sounds.

Dead? It didn’t make any sense. Lenora couldn’t be dead. She was a perfectly healthy girl, with a long life ahead of her.

“They found her body this morning.” She continued talking, but I couldn’t hear her. My ears were ringing, darkness closing in around me. I felt two servants grab my arms, trying to support me, but I could only hang helplessly against them.

“Lenora’s dead?” The words sounded wrong as soon as I spoke them. She couldn’t be dead. My daughter, my beloved girl… gone forever? I shook my head, but the dizziness grew worse. I heard horrifying screams of agony, barely recognizing that they were coming from my own throat.  

“Lenora.”  I tried to call out her name, but even that sound was taken from me as everything faded into darkness.

__________________________________

My world closed around me that day.

I kept to my rooms, sitting at my window. I barred all from my presence other than the butler Hallers. At first I meant to drive him out as well, but seeing the pain and grief in his eyes, and realizing that he had known Lenora as well, I let him stay and serve me. He forced me to eat and drink, keeping me alive when I might have otherwise faded into shadows.

I couldn’t move on. I was crippled with guilt. If only I hadn’t engaged Lenora to my son, setting her up for this fall. If only I had raised my son into a man who wouldn’t toss her away so cruelly, leaving her vulnerable. If only I hadn’t been sick that day, and could have protected her. If only I had insisted on seeing her, no matter how much she hated me and tried to keep me away. If only I had forced my way in, broken down her front door even, and protected her.

If only, if only, if only… 

Time passed, but I remained unaware. I ignored all requests from my husband to come out of mourning. That girl Edith came by multiple times, trying to curry favor, but I refused to see her. I couldn’t forget how she smiled the day she told me Lenora was dead. Even if I were to leave my rooms, I planned to avoid her.

Then I fell ill. I had been sick multiple times since I had secluded myself away, always small illnesses that could be resolved with a few medicines and rest, but this time… 

I was dying.

I stayed in my bed, a blood stained handkerchief clutched in a weakened hand. At first I had only noticed small drops of blood in what I had coughed up, but it grew worse with each passing hour. There should have been a doctor called, but no one came even as I weakened.

“Hello Mother.” 

Edith walked in with an odd smile. I tried to sit up but fell back, too weak to complete the motion, and so glared at her instead.

“I’m not your mother.”

“Really?” she didn’t seem put off by my cold tone, in fact, she smiled and brought up a chair to sit by my bed. “Didn’t you once want Lenora to call you that? Now that I’m your daughter-in-law, shouldn’t I be the one to call you that instead?”

I felt an odd sense of panic. “Don’t speak her name.”  

“I’m afraid I can’t do that, Your Majesty, as she is the reason I came here today.” She tossed an object onto my lap, and with a shock I recognized it. The sapphire necklace. The family heirloom I had given to Lenora. When I had Hallers investigate to confirm her death, he had reported that it was thought to be stolen at that time. So how was it here? 

“Lenora sold it for a loaf of bread just recently.” Edith laughed, the sound odd and distorted. “She had held onto right until the end, you know? I thought she would have broken long before that.”

“Lenora…” I stared at the jewelry in my hand, a brief hope flaring within me. “She’s alive…?”

“Not anymore.” Edith laughed as my expression fell, my heart breaking once again within my chest. “She died this morning, of starvation. I saw her body myself before having them throw it into the forest to be food for the animals.”

“This morning…?” My head was spinning, it was difficult to think straight. “But she died a long time ago…”

“Oh, that was a lie. I tricked you with another girl’s corpse. She’s been lost and alone without friends and family for over a year now.”

Her voice was calm, as if discussing the weather, but the unnatural light of excitement in her gaze gave her true feelings away.

“I convinced her that you abandoned her, despised her. Lenora had always held onto the hope that you still cared about her, but even that was eventually broken into pieces.” She laughed again, and I flinched, filled with horror at her words.

Lenora had been living all this time. Starving. Thinking that I despised her.

It was too painful to bear. I gripped the necklace tightly, my thinned skin tearing against the hard edge of the amulet, bright red blood staining my palm and the jewelry alike.

“Why?” I could barely force out a whisper. I felt even weaker, as if my spirit was breaking along side my body, any will I had to move forward drained from me.

“Because she was a thief who took my place.” Her smile was terrifying, filled with madness. “I was meant to be the Duke’s beloved daughter. I should have been pampered and loved! I was supposed to be engaged to your son and you were supposed to love ME!” 

She was shouting at the end, the chair she had been sitting on kicked to the floor as she leaned over me. “But you refused to even look at me after your precious Lenora was gone! I gave you so many chances, but you threw them all away!”

She drew closer, whispering in my ear. “That’s why it’s too late now. I’ve already poisoned you. So you can go join your useless daughter, just like you wanted. But just remember: if you had been smart enough to recognize that she was a fraud, that she had only stolen what belonged to me… you would have lived a long and happy life.”

Edith stepped back, a look of vicious satisfaction on her face. I stared up at her, finding it hard to breathe through the pain, but still forcing a smile, surprising her.

“My only regret in this life is that I didn’t love my daughter more, that I didn’t protect her better. As for you… you mean nothing to me.”

“...” A long silence fell between us.

“Fine.” She spat out the word like a curse. “Die like a fool.”  With that she was gone.

I turned on my side, the movement agonizing. Tears filled my eyes, tracking down my cheeks, soaking my disheveled hair and the pillow beneath my head. In my hands I clutched the bloody necklace, holding it tightly to my chest.

“Lenora.” The name came out of my lips as a hoarse whisper.

I had hoped this necklace would bring her happiness, but instead she died alone and miserable.

“I’m... sorry. 

I wanted to see her grow up happy and healthy, surrounded by friends and family. 

“I wish….”

If I could have one wish in this lifetime, no matter the cost…

“You had another chance.”

I would only use it for her happiness.

“Lenora... please be happy next time.”

As the world faded into darkness around me, the last thing I saw was the blue jewel in my hand glowing with a brilliant red light.

__________________________________

In another life…

“GRANDMA!” I woke up, startled by the loud shout and a small form jumping on me.

It was a young boy, with bright mischievous eyes and dark curls, looking up at me with a grin.

“What is it, sweetie?” I reached out and hugged my grandson, feeling a sense of warmth in my heart.

He looked around at my question, as if looking to see if anyone else was listening in, turning back to whisper. “There’s going to be a party today!” 

“A party?” I raised an eyebrow. “Is this a surprise party for my birthday?” He nodded enthusiastically and laughing, I hugged him tighter.

“Are you excited, Grandma?”

“Very. But we should probably pretend I don’t know anything about it.” He looked confused, but before I could explain the concept of “surprise party” another voice called out.

“Thomas, I told you not to bother grandmother before…” Aimee, her graceful movements showing the results of her etiquette training, halted in surprise, stopping mid-sentence. She looked between us, obviously not wanting to ruin the surprise party, unaware that her little brother already had.

“It’s alright, Aimee, I already know.” I reached out to hug her as well, enjoying having both children in my arms.

“Can you pretend to be surprised for mother?” She asked carefully, her eyes concerned. “She’s been planning this for weeks and I don’t want her to be sad.” 

What a thoughtful child.

Feeling proud, I patted her head. “Don’t worry. I’ll be surprised.”

“Thank you.”  Standing up and straightening her gown, she held out a hand to help me up. “Then let’s head in, Mother sent me to bring you to the party.”

Holding the two children’s hands, I walked towards the small ballroom where Aimee had said the party was to take place. Aimee opened the door for me, and as I stepped in a group of people stepped forward, shouting:

“SURPRISE!”

I pretended to be shocked, winking at Aimee. “Oh goodness!”

Lenora, looking more of a Queen than I ever had in a dark purple gown with gold trim, reached out to hug me. “Happy birthday, Mother.” 

I felt a sting in my eyes as I blinked back tears. “Thank you, dear.”

The rest of the group crowded around with a cheer. Hallers smiled kindly at me before turning away to organize the servants to serve food and drinks. Rig clapped me on the back, almost knocking me over, and then grabbed Thomas to throw him up in the air to his delighted shrieks. Erica and Marile both came forward to greet me, happily showing off the gown they had designed for me to wear later that night at the formal gathering. Henry and Raewynn dragged in an enormous potted plant, all the while arguing on the best care for the species before promising to send me a set of written instructions.

Finally Nate stepped closer, dressed in his formal court robes, the awe-inspiring effect ruined by the small infant he held against his shoulder which had already spit up on him. Grinning foolishly, he grabbed a cloth to clean up the baby girl, holding her out to me after he was finished.

“Elise wanted to say happy birthday to her grandmother too.” He kissed my cheek as he handed me my grandchild, standing beside Lenora and naturally placing an arm around her.

The wide-eyed baby, now in my arms, laughed happily and blew spit bubbles, making me grin.

“Were you really surprised, Mother? “ Lenora looked suspicious as she glanced at her two older children, who suddenly appeared guilty.

I couldn’t abandon my grandchildren, so I lied immediately. “O-of course!” 

“…” Lenora stared silently for a few moments, before letting out a long sigh. “Sure.” 

Nate drew her closer, and kissed her. “As long she’s happy, then your party was a success.”

Seeing her cheered up by such a simple statement, I once again felt grateful that Lenora was married to a man like Nate, who cared for her so much. They smiled at each other, the love they felt evident in their eyes, briefly seeming to forget about everyone else in the room. Playing with Elise, I waited patiently for them to finish. It took some time, but finally she turned back to me, and the room’s light reflected against the blue gem hanging around her neck.

Noticing the familiar blue necklace, I looked closer, slightly confused. “Lenora, you didn’t change the gem did you?” 

She shook her head. “No, it’s the same as when you gave it to me.”

I reached out with my free hand, still holding my granddaughter in the other, and lifted the jewel to look closer. “It looks slightly different.” 

Perhaps it was the lighting, but the normally pure blue gem seemed to have a faint red glow within it.  As I watched it seemed to flare outwards slightly before fading away, leaving a pure blue color once more. I stared at it for a few more moments, but it didn’t change again. Finally I let it down and stepped away from her, wondering if I had imagined it. “Do you remember what I told you when I gave it to you?”

“That it would bring me happiness?” Lenora grinned.

“Are you happy?”

She glanced around the room at my question, and I did too. Everyone here was a part of the family Lenora had gathered. People she cared about, who loved her dearly in return. She reached out, taking Elise and handing it to her husband, before pulling me into a tight hug.

“I’m very happy, Mother.”

I grinned, tears spilling over and soaking into the shoulder of her gown as I held her close. “Good. I love you, Lenora.”

She smiled at that, a pure expression no longer plagued by doubt or fear of caring for others, and answered without hesitation.

“I love you too, Mother.” 

I thought of the life Lenora had once told me about. The one she had lived before this. Where she had died alone, betrayed, despairing. I couldn’t help but wonder about the me that had lived in that lifetime. Had I loved her then as much as I did now?

 I thought I might have. After all: 

If I could have one wish in this life… No matter the cost, I would only use it for her happiness.

I couldn’t help but wonder if in that life  I had done just that. Stepping back, I looked at the necklace once more, and sighed. Lenora had grown up well, surrounded by friends and family who loved her. She was happy, and was creating her own future hand in hand with those she loved. It was everything I had ever hoped for and more 

My wish, both in this lifetime and the last, had come true.

[meem-didi]

Journal: Final Reflection

The fashion industry has complex links to many other sectors, including manufacturing, advertising, raw material processing, transport, and retailing. The immense profits to be gained in the retail industry give rise to the desire to engage in unethical practices. When suppliers, distributors, designers, or customers are exploited or treated unfairly, fashion industry executives have an ethical duty to improve the situation.  

Within Fashion Ethics and Culture course, we were given the opportunity to explore the breadth of creative, aesthetic, and social/cultural expression of design through the lens of ethical and historic considerations – as it is and how it needs to change, the role of the MENA region and its relationship to fashion media.  

As a student of DIDI, I felt the same link and inspiration between the Fashion Ethics and Culture course and my vision of how I want to be as a future designer and how I should change the current fashion industry status quo with my future career path. The course creates a creative paradigm for learning ethical fashion design through the lens of ethical and historic considerations. Students are introduced to fashion history, cultural criticism, contemporary culture, and the diversity of representation including ethical considerations and perspectives.

In my opinion, this course plays as a moderator between all other fashion courses we study and extend to other courses with depth like sociology and design histories and theories to link and emphasis all courses material in a dynamic way. We covered various subjects relating to Body Image Problems, Fur Trade Issues, Cultural Hegemony and Appropriation, Consumer Over-consumption, Environmental Effects, and Concerns, Advertisement Conflicts, Brand Name Forgery, Sweat Shop Working Conditions, and Exclusiveness and Injustice Issues; that simultaneously vary from micro to macro scale through lectures, group activities, open discussions in class, and individual presentations.

The True Cost Formula 

Investigate your Wardrobe

Doughnut Economics

ATCAC-Disrupting the Fashion System

Earth Logic: the turning point

Careers in the Fashion Industry

The future of Garment Technology in Circular Fashion

Market Segmentation

Fashion for Good: Virtual Tour

Fashion & Society

Made in America

“Luxury: Behind the mirror of high-end fashion”

Empathic Design Process

SOKO Kenya - A people first company

Innovative Fashion Marketing

Key trends innovating Fashion Marketing

Fashion for Good: Virtual Tour

Untangled Egyptian Beauty Standards

The Fashion & Race database

The Modist- Modest Fashion Dream

About Time: Fashion and Duration

The It Girl: Ashley Al Busmait

I enjoyed the above-listed topics and guest lecture discussions we had this semester, but certain to a whole new way of perceiving the world. I would love to deepen and expand my knowledge on the technology and circularity of the fashion industry future as well as focus on modest fashion and ethical practices and success and failure aspects of the Modist business experience. Whether through merging my learning outcome within this semester to my nest fashion studio or final thesis.

Here's my list of the most meaningful subjects for me and some of the highlights of my recent blogs on these topics:

ATCAC-Disrupting the Fashion System

ORIGIN AND HISTORY

Atacac is a Swedish fashion studio that Jimmy Herdberg and Rickard Lindqvist created in 2016. Atacac is designed to disrupt the current fashion system. Atacac is like a laboratory for developing ideas and principles. Then they work as consultants sharing that with other brands to improve their design. The other way they work with other designers is what they call Share-wear. When they release a new product in their online store, they also offer the 2D pattern and the 3D model of the garment for free download. This builds a community of home sellers and independent brands that use their patterns and designs. In certain terms, you can do whatever you want. There is a Credit Common Licence connected to the Share-wear which means you can use it commercially in any way you like, and you can make improvements to it, But you need to give credit back to Atacac if you use it commercially and market the product. You also need to make your development available for other people to keep developing further.

For me ATCAC is a brilliant business module example that is trying to blow the entire system to the ground, I loved how I saw ATCAC embodying every principle, I have been learning for the past 3 years. This blog post and the investigation behind it gave me hope that I can succeed in doing something different with my future dream brand.

Innovative Fashion Marketing

Stretchy Kids’ Clothes Petit Pli gets a growing identity

A sustainable fashion design example that offers apparel that evolves as the wearer grows older has an innovative branding that sounds like “more human” and “less professional." The idea is to reduce the waste of apparel and save parents’ money as children progress up a range of sizes in the first three years of their lives.

It needs time and education to promote meaningful behavioral change. We assume that we are too late for much of our generation. We assume, though, that we are just in time for the next era of LittleHumans. The brilliance of the brand strategy is in anchoring on the opportunity where new parents and young children are more open to improvement and learning than any other part of our community. They do everything not only to promote constructive behavioral improvement but also to make it as seamless as possible.

Marketing as a term became cliché of how much brands are using it without actually making the right –positive impact on their users, within this blog post example of how marketing approach could be current, supportive and extending the brand value to further stage where the client loyalty will be granted due to that extended value, this reminded me of applying the product-service systems methodology, where it's not only the brand responsibility to produce and market a product but they innovate different approaches to extended their after-sale services and product value to emotionally engage their clients.

Empathic Design Process

Empathy is the core of the entire process of Design Thinking. Putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes reinforces our ability to interpret information, and lets us understand how other humans perceive the world around us.

 The realm of fashion design is shifting from an external focus on the industry, or an internal focus on integrating technology, to an empathetic focus on people. While it’s not too difficult to rally people around this general idea, it can be hard at first to understand how to translate it into tactics.

I ask myself as a designer, how do we make a good connection between a fashion worker and a customer? My solution to this question is to make fashion employees the hero of the story, create brand ideals around them. Plan company modules to be a win-win for staff and stakeholders. As designers, we should reconfigure how the framework is giving back to the societies through which we work. I expect, as a future fashion designer, to build a secure working environment that will help better the lives of single mothers in Egypt. By offering comprehensive educational opportunities and curating future working talents. The Empathy Concept process will be incorporated not only to understand the consumers but also most critically, to understand the true needs of the heroes behind my future brand.

Technology & future of Circular Fashion

Fashion has always been a major hub for innovation — from the invention of the sewing machine to the rise of e-commerce. As technology, fashion is both forward-looking and cyclical. At $2.2 T, the apparel industry is now one of the top sectors in the global economy. Nowadays, apparel technology is rising more than ever. From robots that sew and cut clothing to AI algorithms that anticipate style patterns, to VR mirrors in dressing rooms, technology automates, customizes, and speeds up every aspect of fashion.

In the optimistic scenario, the future will be led by innovators and collaborators, the industry will leap forward in developing digital passports for clothing that carries an internationally recognized digital asset trigger that could be accessed by designers, retailers, recyclers, and customers alike. This type of standardized infrastructure and labeling approach means that not every brand or approach provider has its own patented approaches, leaving customers stuck in the sea of things to consider. In this way, the future of fashion technologies could truly unify the industry around common practices that would make circularity more visible to everyone.

Reference list

Accenture and H&M Foundation (2018). Circular x Fashion Tech. [online] Available at: https://www.accenture.com/_acnmedia/PDF-74/Accenture-GCA-Circular-FashionTech-Trend-Report-2018.pdf [Accessed 3 Oct. 2020].

By Insider Trends (2019). Why does Swedish clothing brand Atacac give its patterns away for free? - Insider Trends. [online] Insider Trends. Available at: https://www.insider-trends.com/why-does-swedish-clothing-brand-atacac-give-its-patterns-away-for-free/ [Accessed 14 Sep. 2020].

CB Insights (2020). The Future Of Fashion: From Design To Merchandising, How Tech Is Reshaping The Industry. [online] CB Insights Research. Available at: https://www.cbinsights.com/research/fashion-tech-future-trends/ [Accessed 26 Oct. 2020].

CHANGE, W. (2020). THE WARDROBE CRISIS. [online] THE WARDROBE CRISIS. Available at: https://thewardrobecrisis.com/the-magazine/2020/8/26/4-tech-innovations-that-will-change-the-future-of-sustainable-fashion [Accessed 26 Oct. 2020].

CLO (2020). Live Q + A with Fashion Studio Atacac. YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PHpiD5u0e1w&feature=youtu.be [Accessed 14 Sep. 2020].

Dawood, S. (2019). Stretchy kids’ clothing Petit Pli gets an identity that grows. [online] Design Week. Available at: https://www.designweek.co.uk/issues/1-7-april-2019/stretchy-kids-clothing-petit-pli-gets-an-identity-that-grows/ [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

Design Indaba (2013). Data Dress: A tangible representation of your online movements | Design Indaba. [online] Design Indaba. Available at: https://www.designindaba.com/articles/creative-work/data-dress-tangible-representation-your-online-movements [Accessed 26 Oct. 2020].

Dezeen (2017). Ryan Mario Yasin’s Petit Pli kids clothing expands to fit as children grow. YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ8VSvkz_4w [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

Dubai Design Week (2019). GGS Success Story: Featuring Petit Pli by Ryan Mario Yasin. YouTube. Available at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3a2eIix1rUI [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

Dyson on (2019). Petit Pli: The unlikely fashion brand that wants to end industry waste by making clothes that grow. [online] Medium. Available at: https://medium.com/dyson-on/meet-the-inventors-fabric-fantastic-c5f18d7639bf [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

Fashion United (2020). The future of garment technology in circular fashion. [online] Fashionunited.uk. Available at: https://fashionunited.uk/news/business/the-future-of-garment-technology-in-circular-fashion/2020091750927 [Accessed 26 Oct. 2020].

Givens, D. (2020). ASOS Unveils Its Made In Kenya Collection Collaboration With Soko Kenya. [online] Black Enterprise. Available at: https://www.blackenterprise.com/asos-unveils-its-made-in-kenya-collection-collaboration-with-soko-kenya/ [Accessed 27 Oct. 2020].

GLOBAL FASHION AGENDA (2020). Design for Longevity. [online] Designforlongevity.com. Available at: https://designforlongevity.com/page/about [Accessed 14 Sep. 2020].

Herdberg, J. (2020). Kokokaka - Work. [online] Kokokaka.com. Available at: https://kokokaka.com/work.html [Accessed 14 Sep. 2020].

Krantz, J. (2017). Atacac uses game tech to disrupt the fashion system - MAGIC FABRIC. [online] MAGIC FABRIC. Available at: https://magicfabricblog.com/atacac-uses-game-technology-change-fashion-system/ [Accessed 14 Sep. 2020].

LeVine, S. (2018). Automated fashion is now a reality in new Chinese store. [online] Axios. Available at: https://www.axios.com/fashion-automated-alibaba-china-store-d476b4a4-d74d-410e-9518-bea2449203da.html [Accessed 26 Oct. 2020].

Morrison, H., Petherick, L. and Ley, K. (2019). THE FUTURE OF CIRCULAR FASHION A COLLABORATIVE REPORT BY ACCENTURE STRATEGY AND FASHION FOR GOOD ASSESSING THE VIABILITY OF CIRCULAR BUSINESS MODELS. [online] ACCENTURE STRATEGY AND FASHION FOR GOOD. Available at: https://d2be5ept72nvlo.cloudfront.net/2019/05/The-Future-of-Circular-Fashion-Report.pdf [Accessed 2 Oct. 2020].

NB Studio (2019). Petit Pli - Brand Identity. [online] The Drum Awards. Available at: https://www.thedrumdesignawards.com/drum-design-awards-2019/brand-identity-design/petit-pli-brand-identity [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

Partners, K. (2017). PROTOCHIC. [online] PROTOCHIC. Available at: https://www.protochic.com/stories/2017/3/17/kenyan-manufacturer-soko-kenya-partners-with-british-retailer-asos [Accessed 27 Oct. 2020].

Petit Pli (2020a). MISSION 2: FUTURE OF HUMANITY Earth’s Hidden Figures. [online] Available at: http://ryanmarioyasin.com/hosting/BLMcomic.pdf [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

Petit Pli (2020b). Petit Pli. [online] Petit Pli. Available at: https://shop.petitpli.com/ [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

Petit Pli (2020c). Unstick The Sticky Alien! [online] Petit Pli. Available at: https://shop.petitpli.com/blogs/news/unstick-the-sticky-alien [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

Pfaff, M. (2018). Amesterdam University of Applied Sciences. [online] AMFI.nl. Available at: https://amfi.nl/news/technology-is-transforming-the-fashion-industry [Accessed 14 Sep. 2020].

Sherriff, L. (2020). This Company Is Making Children’s Clothes That Actually Grow As The Kid Does. Forbes. [online] 16 Feb. Available at: https://www.forbes.com/sites/lucysherriff/2020/02/24/this-company-is-making-childrens-clothes-that-actually-grow-as-the-kid-does/?sh=81b30233f70f [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

Sohini Dey (2018). Can artificial intelligence and fashion create a smart stitch? [online] mint. Available at: https://www.livemint.com/Leisure/Vp81luEXDz3lWuvvYVYIdO/Can-artificial-intelligence-and-fashion-create-a-smart-stitc.html [Accessed 26 Oct. 2020].

SOKO Kenya (2020). SOKO Kenya. [online] Soko-kenya.com. Available at: https://www.soko-kenya.com/ [Accessed 27 Oct. 2020].

The Trampery (2019). Petit Pli : Future Design for “LittleHumans” - The Trampery. [online] The Trampery. Available at: https://thetrampery.com/2019/12/02/petit-pli-future-design-for-littlehumans/ [Accessed 31 Oct. 2020].

‌

[sage-nebula]

Back in SU, I remember everyone always celebrated what a caring and supportive dad Greg was, and how the Gems grew close family relationships with Steven. But with these latest episodes it seems like people are turning on them. Particularly that Greg is an incompetent and irresponsible father after Mr. Universe and the Gems handled the conversation really badly in Fragments, showing that they still don’t understand human emotions (also that it’s their fault Steven has PTSD). (1/2)

Personally it makes me sad. I still love all four of them and have faith in them as Steven’s support circle. I think everybody’s just looking for someone to blame (like it’s a game, like it’s a game...). What’s your take?

My take is that I take offense on a personal level whenever anyone (including Steven) acts like Greg was a bad or unfit parent.

My biological mother was terribly abusive to me. My father was emotionally neglectful, and while my stepmother was better than him, she still contributed to the emotional abuse that I’ve just now in my adult years begun accepting that he put me through. I’ve never had a parent that was emotionally available, supportive, and openly loving unconditionally. I’ve never had parents who encouraged whatever I wanted to do, who I could go to when I needed them without fear of punishment of some kind.

So put simply, I would have killed for a parent like Greg Universe. Hell, I still would now. Greg was always there for Steven, no matter what. Steven needed someone who would be open and honest with him with no reservations? That was Greg. Steven needed someone to just chill with, eat pizza and play music with? That was Greg. Steven needed someone to make him feel like he was good enough even when he made mistakes (“if every pork chop were perfect . . .”)? That was Greg. Steven needed someone to drop everything to take him halfway around the world to investigate the place in his dreams? That was Greg, and Greg didn’t even get upset with Steven for that resulting in his own abduction into a human fucking zoo.

For all sixteen years of his life, Greg gave Steven unconditional love and support. For all that Steven has a tendency to take blame upon himself, that tendency cannot be passed onto Greg, because Greg never berated Steven or went off on him for the things he did wrong. Hell, Greg went out of his way to try to make sure that Steven didn’t feel bad for the things that happened, most of the time; when Greg had a panic attack about the attack with the hand ship, and everything that followed, he drove away after reassuring Steven until he could calm himself down enough to talk about it! No matter what Steven did, no matter what went wrong, he had assurance that he could bring it to Greg because Greg wouldn’t grow angry with him. Because Greg loved him, unconditionally. Because Greg always wanted to spend time with him, always thought he was cool, always thought his ideas were interesting. Greg was emotionally available, openly loving and supportive, 100% of the time in Steven’s life.

Does this mean that Greg is perfect, and didn’t make mistakes? No! But here’s a news flash: There is NO SUCH THING as a perfect parent, because there is NO SUCH THING as a perfect person, and parents are people. People make mistakes. Period. There is not a single person on this Earth who has never made a mistake, particularly when it comes to interacting with other people. I know a lot of people on this website (and on Twitter) don’t like accepting that, but it’s true. And as it’s true, Greg did make mistakes. Play acting like his leg wasn’t really broken to try to spend more time with Steven was a mistake (and was the one time Greg made Steven feel as if his powers weren’t up to snuff / not good enough). Arguably not enrolling him in school was a mistake, although given how Steven behaved like he was eight when he was fourteen, I think he probably would have been bullied mercilessly by most peers his age and so that was probably a good call on Greg’s part. Not taking him to the doctor wasn’t a mistake, if only because Steven is half-gem and thus a.) probably didn’t get sick and/or need vaccinations the way a full human would, and b.) Greg had no idea how much of Steven’s biology was gem and how much was human, and probably didn’t want to run the risk of having him taken away by government officials to be experimented on given that he was half-alien. Even so, I understand why humans balk at that. They see Steven as a fully human child, even though he absolutely is not.

The point is: Yes, Greg made mistakes sometimes. But Greg was loving and supportive and always made sure Steven was provided for. Steven complains that he lived in a van, but we know for a fact that once he was old enough to form memories, he actually lived in a beautiful house on the beach. Greg lived in a van, but always nearby enough so that he could be there if Steven needed him (without stepping on the toes of Pearl, with whom he didn’t have a good relationship given the whole Rose debacle). Even though Greg wasn’t in the house, he knew the Gems would be able to look after Steven. He made sure that Steven was as safe as he could be, given that the threat of war with Steven at the center was always on the horizon, and provided for in every way (shelter, food, love, support). Setting aside Steven’s complex over his gem powers and his demands to be a Crystal Gem (which, let’s be honest, had Greg forced Steven to go to school, Steven would have been angry that it took away from his chances at gem missions, and you know he would, if you remember how bratty he was about it at the start of the series), Steven had pretty high self-esteem for a kid of fourteen, in that he never felt embarrassed or awkward about the things he liked or how he presented himself at all. And who do we have to thank for that, do you think?

I’ve had parents who were abusive or neglectful. I’ve been dragged by my hair and thrown into walls. I’ve been near hospitalized for being underweight because there was so little food. I’ve been told I was lazy and making up bullshit excuses when I tried to explain how depressed I was, and then put under lockdown an entire summer for it. I’ve had my interests criticized and mocked by my parents, I’ve been shooed away when I’ve tried to talk to them, I’ve been belittled and demoralized and I’ve put myself through stomach ulcers and breakdowns trying to find any solution to problems I have before I have to go to them, because I don’t want more lectures and have it brought up again and again years later. I know what it is to have abusive, neglectful, and all around bad parents---parents who will do all of the above, and then still find a way to say that it was either my fault, or good for me somehow. And Greg Universe? Is not that type of parent. At all. Not even close.

So basically, my take is that people who want to condemn Greg can shut the fuck up, at least when they’re around me. My take is that even though Steven has PTSD and is going through a lot, him screaming at Greg that it’s Greg’s fault that he’s like this for loving and supporting him all these years was him acting like a spoiled, ungrateful brat. Because I would have given anything to have a parent like Greg Universe. As someone with C-PTSD from childhood trauma and abuse, I’d trade spots with Steven any fucking day. And trust me, he wouldn’t like it.

[seokstyle]

critical condition (m) - 1

pair: hoseok x reader, light jungkook x reader (series) themes: med student!reader, nurse!hoseok, lots of medically-related flirting genre: smut, some fluff, future angst warnings: dom/sub undertones, dirty talk, thigh riding, orgasm denial

you knew that your first rotation as a medical student was going to have its challenges. you did not anticipate one of those challenges to be dealing with a handsome ER nurse who won’t give you a break.

word count: 5.3k 

part 2 | masterlist

“Joon, I genuinely don’t know if I’ll make it.”

“Ah, don’t be so negative,” he reassures you. “It takes a learning curve but it’s only been one week.”

“I’ve messed up so much though! They’ll just stand me in the corner and shame me until I melt into a puddle.”

 “It takes time to adjust,” he protests. 

You fix him with an annoyed look. “Did you know someone came in and they tried to give it to me as an easy first case? One that’s dumbass-proof, right?” He nods, a little weary of what you’ll say next. “It was an ear infection. Did you know what I forgot to do, Namjoon?” You lean in across the cafeteria table towards him for dramatic effect. “I forgot to look at his fucking ear.” You lean back in your chair and groan into your hands.

Your friend winces, but does not let up on his optimism. “We’ve only just started, Y/N. Don’t be so hard on yourself.” 

“Why do you always try to be so reasonable,” you grumble as you spoon the last of the mashed potatoes into your mouth. “It makes it harder to throw myself a pity party.”

Namjoon chuckles in response. “I’m saying it as much to myself as I am to you. Peds has not been easy,” he added with a sigh. “So many crying children, so many angry parents, so many impatient doctors…” He trails off, and you both sit there in silence thinking about the hellscapes you both have to return back to in a few minutes.

This was the first rotation for both of you as medical students, and though you had heard that most residency programs were more lenient on the first couple since you were still getting the hang of the clinical setting, you didn’t want to completely blow your chances at a good recommendation from your supervisors. Though your reputation during this past week was not doing you any good. 

You and Namjoon had become fast friends in the whirlwind that was your first two years of medical school. He had saved your ass in anatomy lab, and you had come to his rescue in biochemistry. But despite your successes in the classroom, neither of you had anticipated how abrupt the transition would be from looking at textbooks and lectures to talking to real patients and actually diagnosing diseases yourself. 

Add getting thrown into the ER for your first ever clinical experience, as was your luck. With the fast pace, the trauma emergencies you had to assist in on, just everything… you were in over your head. Just thinking about all of the questions you were going to have to ask (and would inevitably forget to ask) when you went back upstairs already was making your head spin. At least you could hold onto small fragments of your sanity when you grabbed food breaks, though you both had to return to reality soon.

Namjoon sighs as he pushes his chair back from the table, picking up his tray and giving you a small smile. “Best of luck.”

“You too, pal.”

The night started off better than your previous shifts this week have been. You had been more attentive when it comes to asking patients what brings them in today, remembered key aspects of physical exams when it applied, and you actually felt a little competent. But then you had left for your dinner break, and by the time you made it back to the ER all hell had broken loose.

The other local hospitals were at capacity which meant that all ambulances were going to come to you instead. On top of that, a new rush of admissions had come in, and now the ER was overflowing with people who needed quick medical attention. Soon there were a million things going on and before you knew it, it was past midnight and you were barely staying afloat. You were quickly sent out by the attending to grab a laceration tray, and all of your usual spots to check for supplies were empty. You close your eyes and take a deep breath, using all of your 3 brain cells to think. If I was a laceration tray, where would I be hiding?

“Looking for this?” you heard someone say in a playful tone. You opened your eyes. An outstretched hand had appeared in front of you holding the coveted tray, and you turned to see a handsome nurse you had gotten to know well. 

“Oh my God, Hobi,” you sigh in relief. “How did you know?”

He smirked, and you wanted to roll your eyes at him. “I overheard the resident while I passed outside of the room, so I went ahead and grabbed one for you.” 

You smile. “Thank you, seriously. This shift is getting insane, I thought I was going to have a heart attack.”

He gasped dramatically in response. “Well we wouldn’t want that! Though,” he added as he leans in closer to you, “I guess it’s a good thing I’m CPR-certified,” he responds with a wink. 

You actually do roll your eyes this time. “You and everyone else in this hospital.”

The first shift in the emergency department may have well been the worst day of your life. Patients had gotten upset with you for forgetting to fulfill requests they had made, you had gotten lost three times in the maze of hallways, and you kept fumbling with every question asked of you. You were under the resident Dr. Kim for that shift, and would continue to be on his charge for the rest of the week. You were petrified because he was chief resident, but he urged you to drop formalities and just call him Seokjin. He was incredibly kind and understanding when you made mistakes (which was often). 

Near the end of the shift, Seokjin had asked you to grab a suture kit so he could close up someone’s finger that had gotten sliced. You had agreed enthusiastically, eager to redeem yourself, but realized the second you stepped out of the room you had no clue where the sutures were kept. 

Great. 

You didn’t know what to do but you were NOT going back into there to ask and make a fool of yourself for the 20th time today. As nice as the resident was being to you, you didn’t want to test his patience either. You wanted to lock yourself into one of the closets and hide until they found you and kicked you out of medical school, because it felt inevitable at this point. 

Right as you were contemplating ways to escape the hospital, you felt someone tap on your shoulder. 

“Are you looking for something?”

Maybe your prayers had been answered, because when you turned around to see who was speaking you swear you saw an angel sent from the heavens for you. His smile was dazzling, with adorable dimples peeking out from the corners of his mouth, and his chestnut hair looked divinely soft as it swooped down onto his forehead. He brushed it out of his eyes, and you noticed that his arms looked strong and toned, and it only made you wonder what other muscles he must be hiding under his scrubs. 

He looked like a sun-kissed god who had somehow gotten lost in the ER hallways. And from the way he was smirking at you, he could definitely tell you had been checking him out. Shit.

“D-do you know where the sutures are kept?”, you managed to squeak out. He grinned. It would be your luck that he procured exactly what you needed from his pants pocket at that moment. You weren’t going to die, after all.

“I always keep a few packs on me, it’s come in handy before. Do you need nylon or monofilament? Probably monofilament.” He muses to himself as he rummages through his pockets some more. He looks up at you and asks, “Do you know what size you need either, 4-0 or 3-0?” You shake your head. “That’s okay! I’ll just give you one of each just in case.” He takes your hand, placing the suture packets into your palm and sending you a dazzling smile.  

You were so relieved you could cry. “Oh my God, I love you, thank you so much,” you blurted without thinking, immediately cringing at your words. 

“Wow sweetheart, at least take me out to dinner before you confess like that.” You felt your cheeks burn from his words, and he must have noticed your embarrassment because his tone was more gentle when he spoke next. “First day?”

God, it must be that obvious that you’re a deer in the headlights right now. You nod, putting the sutures into your white coat pocket.

He looked down at your badge, reading your name and credentials. God, your name sounded so much nicer coming from his lips. “Medical student?” You nod again.

“I remember my first day, it was rough. It does get better though, I promise.” You nod dumbly once more, not fully believing him. He offers you a small smile. “Listen,” he says as he comes to stand behind you, lightly grabbing your shoulders and maneuvering you towards wherever he wants you to look. You could feel the heat of his touch through your thin hospital-issued scrubs and coat, and it sent your pulse running. 

He pointed a little way down from you in the hallway. “Do you see that door? That’s the supply closet, it will have almost anything you ever will need, on a shelf with a label. If it’s not there, try asking the ER secretary,” he steers you a little more to the right, pointing to the center of the area to where the nurses’ desks are located. “They know if no one else does. And if they can’t help you, you can always come find me.” He turns you around so that you are facing each other now, removing his hands from your shoulders, and you almost miss the feel of his touch on you. He points to himself. “My name’s Hoseok, see?” He points to his badge. Hoseok Jung, RN. 

“You’re a lifesaver,” you sighed in relief. He laughed, and you could almost swoon at how pretty he looked when his eyes crinkled up like that. “I guess that is my job, technically. But for someone as cute as you? Anytime,” he replied with a wink. And with that he turned around, leaving you with cheeks red again from the compliment he had added without a second thought. 

“Are you saying you wouldn’t want me to give you mouth-to-mouth?” He pouted, his dimples poking out from the corners of his mouth, but you saw the twinkle in his eyes. Cheeky bastard.

You laugh at him instead of entertaining his comment, taking the tray from his hands and preparing for your mad dash back to the patient room before the resident came looking for you. “Thank you, Hoseok!” 

“That wasn’t a no!” he called after you. You shook your head, smiling to yourself. He had come to your rescue again and again over the past few days, almost as if he knew exactly when you needed his help. Maybe you were growing immune to his charms (or maybe you were becoming emboldened by them), but you were less intimidated and a little more flirtatious with each new interaction with him lately.

You make it back to the patient’s room, and Seokjin even lets you assist with suturing and repairing the wound, under his supervision. The attending had come in shortly after and praised your handiwork as well. You were over the moon! 

But your joy at helping in a procedure for the first time was short-lived. In the next three rooms you entered, the family and patient decided you were the best person on staff to yell at about their outrageous waiting times in the ER. The patient after that did not verbally abuse you, and you made what you thought was a stellar interrogation and clinical analysis, but as you presented to the attending he sent you back for 15 more questions you hadn’t thought to ask. You just wanted to go home to pass out or cry, you would be fine with either at this point. 

As you go to enter the room of the last patient you are assigned for the shift, you see Hoseok wheeling his mobile scribing computer out as he finished taking the preliminary exam. “Hey,” you place a hand on his upper arm to catch him from leaving too soon. “Can you brief me real quick on what’s up? Seokjin was too swamped to give me many details.” 

“Oh, yeah sure.” Hoseok pulls up the patient chart. “Kid came in with severe abdominal pain going on for a couple of hours now. He’s hypertensive at 160/90 but that’s likely due to pain, and he’s tachycardic at 110 bpm. All other vitals look okay,” he added as he scrolls through. “I did a super quick overall physical exam on him just to make sure he wasn’t going to code. Lungs sound clear, heart sounded okay, but I have to run to the trauma bay since they’re short-staffed tonight, so I wasn’t able to do anything too focused on exam,” he explains. “That should get you started off at least though.” He grins and starts walking backwards away from you, tugging his computer along with him. “See you later, angel!” You slide open the room’s door and send him a smile back. “Thanks, Hobi. Good luck!”

You go inside and confirm all of the findings that Hoseok mentioned to you with the patient. The pain is all over his abdomen he says, and he can’t tell you exactly where it’s coming from but it’s clear he’s in a lot of discomfort. You ask a few more pointed questions to try and narrow down your diagnosis, double-check that his lungs and heart sound normal, and tell the patient the doctor will be in shortly to discuss their plan of care.

You go back outside and find Seokjin and the attending to present your findings in the small conference room connected to the ER hallway. “25 year-old male presents with severe abdominal pain, dull in character with increased severity upon ingestion. Pain began within the past two hours but patient states that it has been getting increasingly worse, and has increased to an 8 out of 10. Reports having nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. Patient appears dehydrated which could be symptomatic of his condition or could be a result of his vomiting, and is tachycardic and hypertensive.” 

Jin nods encouragingly, and the attending contemplates on what you have told him. “Good presentation, good initial history. Okay,” he continues, “what did you find on the physical exam?”

“His lungs appeared clear to auscultation and heart sounds were all normal, no murmurs noted. Patient did appear diaphoretic and feverish and had weakened grip strength and poorer motor skills than expected, but is capable of ambulation.” 

The attending hums in response, looking over the patient’s chart. “Okay very good, no reason to suspect any cardiac or respiratory abnormalities. That’s important to ensure with all patients.” You beam, proud that you were at least ending the night on a high note and being praised for your work. “What else?”

You hesitate for a moment. “I believe that was everything, sir.”

“What about his abdomen?”

“Sir?”

He looks up at you from the computer. “What were your abdominal exam findings?” You can see Seokjin’s face pale slightly behind him, understanding what is happening. 

You didn’t do it, you forgot. You didn’t examine the abdomen. Of a patient. With abdominal pain. You hear white noise ringing in your ears as panic sets in. “S-sir, I didn’t do a full abdomen exam.”

He raises an eyebrow at you. “You didn’t do it?” You nod. “So then what were your differential diagnoses?”

You gulp. “I suspected appendicitis, diverticulitis, or colitis.” 

“So what would be plan of care?”

You guess you had a chance to redeem yourself maybe now, if you were thorough with what you wanted to do with the patient. Maybe then the doctor would ease up on you some. “Initially manage pain and nausea with anti-emetic and pain relief medications. All of my differentials would be confirmed either by CT scan, most likely, so that would assist the patient in feeling better while imaging returns from radiology.” Hopefully, that was enough.

“I see,” the attending muses, looking back at the charts for a moment. You brace yourself for what he would say next. “So, you had made some ideas of what the patient could have going on, all abdominal-related, but,” he turns back towards you. “You didn’t even think to touch the patient first?”

Fuck. It had backfired. You wanted to melt into the ground. Seokjin offers you a sympathetic look from behind the attending as he grills you further while you shrink into your seat. You were getting your ass handed to you and you deserved it. You had to say something at this point; you would be damned if you had to keep working with this doctor who made the assumption that you were an enormous dumbass because of ONE mistake you made. You had to recover, and quick. 

So you go with the first idea that comes to mind. 

“Sir, I am regretful for not performing the physical exam myself, that was wrong of me to do,” you apologize. “I had spoken with the nurse assigned to this patient prior to taking the history, and he had told me that he had already done a physical exam and the findings should be in the chart from his records, but I suppose he failed to do so.” 

You knew what you were doing wasn’t fair, but Hoseok was in the trauma bay and would never know. And you had to do something to save face or any chance you had at matching into emergency medicine were going to be gone at this rate. “I had higher expectations from him but it was my mistake for entrusting him to do that correctly.”

The attending is quiet as you make this excuse as believable and apologetic as possible, then scrolls through the chart. “It says Hoseok Jung was the nurse assigned to his care.” You bristle at hearing his name. “He’s usually incredibly thorough with his job,” the attending mentions in surprise. “I guess this time he didn’t record the findings as he normally would.” He turns to you now, and you pray for salvation from his wrath. “Next time, don’t rely on anyone else on staff. Make sure you do the exam yourself, and trust your own knowledge and intuition most. Others can be wrong, too.” He sighs, and you let out your own sigh of relief. “Okay, I’m going to go grab a coffee and I’ll take care of the patient from here.” He gets up and heads out the conference room door, but turns around to add one last comment before he goes. “Good work, Y/N.”

You thank every power in this universe for sparing you this once. Your recommendation letter was still safe, for now.

“Hey,” you hear the other person left in the room call out to you. You look over at Seokjin and feel a pang of guilt from the expression he has.

“I know what you were trying to do there.” He sounds disappointed, and you feel like a little kid, caught doing something they shouldn’t. You avert your eyes, opting to look down at your shoes instead of look at him directly. His tone softens some. “It’s been a rough week for you to start on, and it’s hard to get the hang of talking to patients and all. I don’t blame you for it, but it’s best to just own up to a mistake instead of bringing someone else into it.” He gets up from his seat to leave, and pauses as he walks by you to put a hand on your shoulder. You look up at him again.; his eyes are empathetic and understanding. “You must be exhausted. Go home and get some sleep, okay?” You nod, and he turns to leave out of the door.

God. You felt like such a colossal bitch. You close your eyes and rub your temples. At least the shift from hell was finally over, and you survived. You still had a chance to properly earn the respect of this attending, and you could finally enjoy your first day off tomorrow. You get up and head out of the conference room as well, closing the door behind you. 

“Hey there,” you hear someone say to your left, and you jump. You look over and see Hoseok with his scribing computer, staring intently at the screen. 

Your blood runs cold for a moment, and you look at him nervously. “Hey,” you answer quietly. “How was the trauma?”

He doesn’t move to look over at you as he responds. “Oh, they had it under control so they sent me back to this hall,” he says offhandedly as he resumes his typing. 

“Oh.” You nod slowly, looking at the floor for a second, thinking to yourself in a panic. Fuck, what if he was right outside the room the whole time? Could he have heard you throw him under the bus like that? You look back over at him, very tentatively. He doesn’t seem as animated and charismatic as he usually is with you, his jaw clenched tight like he’s frustrated with something. 

But maybe he’s just tired after a long shift, or had a bad patient? Right? 

“Okay well, I’m done for the night so I’m going to finish up my charting,” you offer eagerly. He doesn’t move to even look at you, and the guilt comes creeping into your bones again. You turn and walk back towards one of the computer desks, swiping your badge to log in. You start typing notes up, but your thinking gets more and more muddled with every line you write.

There would probably have been so many other chances to recover from that one slip-up. Why did you act like it was the end of the world? Was it worth it just for the off-chance that you might get a good recommendation? You haven’t even liked this rotation so far. You sit in your chair, staring blankly at someone’s lab report from 4 hours ago mulling over whether or not you completely ruined your friendship with Hoseok. 

Lost in your thoughts, you don’t hear when the mobile computer rolls up behind you, and someone says your name quietly. 

You jump, and you feel your ears turning pink as you recognize the voice, lacking its usual light-hearted tone. You turn to look at him, and his face was completely devoid of any emotion. You feel a chill go down your spine. “Can you help me get something from the supply room?” 

God, he did. He must have heard you. You nod, not trusting yourself to say anything out loud, and get up to follow him meekly down the hall and into the supply closet, the same one he had pointed out to you on your first day. Ironic, somehow. Hoseok opens the door, motioning for you to walk in first, and you oblige. 

He walks in after you, flipping on the lights and shutting the door behind him, locking it quickly. You barely have enough time to turn around to face him before you felt him move. He pushed you backwards, your back meeting the wall behind you with a soft thud. His forearms rested on either side of your head, propping himself up and caging you in. You look at him in surprise and can’t help yourself from letting out a small gasp. His jaw was still set but his eyes had turned overwhelmingly dark, swimming with anger. 

You had expected Hoseok to yell at you, call you a bitch, threaten to tell the attending. Best case scenario, he actually needed your help getting something and you would be fine and he heard nothing. What you did not expect was this. 

“So,” he starts, a lazy drawl to his voice, “I heard someone thinks she’s been around the block enough times to put a nurse in his place.” 

Your cheeks burn at his words. “That’s not what I was-” 

He cuts you off. “What did you say again?” He pulls back for a moment, pretending to be lost in thought. “You had ‘higher expectations’ of me?” He chuckles. “I’m sorry to be such a disappointment, princess.” The pet name sent shivers down your back. 

God, you had really fucked up. “No, wait,” you push your hands up against his chest to try and get some space for a moment so you could explain yourself. You tried not to think about how firm he felt under your fingertips, and how your pulse was quickening from being in such close proximity to him. “I didn’t mean to-” 

Hoseok moves so fast you don’t even fully process it, grabbing your wrists away from your feeble attempts to make room between you two and pinning them above your head. It takes everything in you to not gasp out loud, the action going straight to your core. What the fuck was happening right now?

“Shh,” he whispers condescendingly against your ear, your heart fluttering from his close proximity. “I think you’ve said plenty today, wouldn’t you agree? I think it’s my turn to talk, hmm?” He pulls back to look at you, a wolf-life expression engulfing his features. You swallow and nod dumbly. “Good girl,” he smirks, and you hold in the urge to moan out. 

“Did you forget that I have been at this ER for three years?” He crowds your body against the wall, his chest flush against yours. “That I have more experience than you?” You felt breathless like you had been running for miles. You were losing your mind.

“That just because you’re a medical student,” he grabs your white coat and pulls you closer to him, making you shudder, “doesn’t mean you get to push me around like that?” 

Your head was swimming and you had lost all coherent thoughts, but you were still desperate to clear the air between you. “If you just would let me explain-” Your words are cut off as Hoseok pulls back and places his hand across your mouth, muffling anything you have to say. Your eyes widen in anger and in arousal, and he smirks again.

“Didn’t I say no talking?” You try to protest, muffling words against his palm, and he lets out a sound of disapproval. “Are you going to be a good girl and listen?”

You actually moan out against his hand this time. Something about being at his complete mercy like this was unraveling you in ways you had never felt before, and he was clearly catching on. Hoseok grins, eyes swimming with lust, and leans in to whisper against your ear once more. “Oh? Does someone like being put in her place?” You moan out again, a muffled quiet admission. He uses his free hand to dip behind your white coat and pull you closer to him by the waist, until you lay flush against him. 

“Sweetheart, I think you should remember,” He had pulled you so close against him that you could feel his growing arousal against your lower stomach. Your eyes roll back, and he chuckles. “If you didn’t have me, you still would be fumbling around the hallways, in a daze.” You could barely process his admonishing words at this point. You cant your hips towards his, desperate for any stimulation, and he groans deeply against the shell of your ear. You felt so fucked out, and he hadn’t even touched you.

Hoseok finally acquiesces, using his thigh to part your legs open, and you let out another muffled moan as he ground his leg up against you, offering you some relief. “Look at you, so desperate for me,” he traces the shell of your ear with his tongue, “grinding against me like a dirty whore.” You didn’t even realize it, but you were right; he had stopped moving and you were still chasing your pleasure, riding his muscular thigh without realizing it. “I can feel how soaked you are through both of our scrubs. So wet, just for me?” His words should have embarrassed you, but you were so far gone you didn’t care. It only turned you on more.

He pulls back from you suddenly, much to your displeasure, and you whine out in protest. “Oh I’m sorry angel,” he comments unapologetically, drawing his gaze up and down your body, “but only girls who behave themselves get what they want.” He had the cockiest look you had ever seen on his face, and you could feel tears pricking the corners of your eyes from frustration. 

You could choke Hoseok right now, but you were too desperate for him to continue. You needed to reach your end. So you grabbed the hem of his scrub top. “I won’t do it again, I’ll be a good girl,” you begged, not even fully hearing yourself as you tried to pull him back and finish what he started. “I promise, please!”

The tears in your eyes, your flushed cheeks, the desperation in your voice. It was unraveling him too, though he didn’t want to admit it. He closed his eyes, throwing his head back with a groan. “I don’t think you’ve quite learned your lesson yet,” he tuts as he looks down at you again, his eyes hooded and you moan again, almost in relief. “I think you need me to remind you where you belong.”

At that exact moment, someone turns the key in the locked door, and Hoseok springs back away from you towards some of the shelving on the opposite side of the closet. Your thoughts are still flustered, not processing anything, and you stay pinned against the wall as though his hands are still on you, holding you there. The door opens to reveal none other than, as your luck would have it, Seokjin.

“Oh, Hoseok,” he starts, then notices your presence in the closet as well. His cheeks flush, and you are mortified. You must look like the definition of a hot mess. “Oh...Y/N… I thought your shift ended already?”

“Oh hey! It sure did!” You respond, sounding way too chirpy, pulling yourself up from the wall and towards Seokjin. You see out of the corner of your eye that Hoseok suppressing a laugh. How the fuck does he look completely unaffected and flawless, and you’re still trying to catch your breath? “I was just… making sure that we had enough supplies for next shift! There weren’t any laceration trays here earlier.”

He eyes the two of you wearily. “Okay… I guess so.” 

Hoseok shrugs, back to his cheery self leaving his dark, dominating persona behind, as though he had flipped a switch. “Hey, Jin!” He exclaims as he walks over to the resident. “Y/N was just telling me about her amazing case with the kid with appendicitis! It’s a shame I forgot to write down the abdomen exam findings though.” Seokjin looked over at you in confusion. “She said she would teach me a thing or two about being a good clinician whenever she got a chance,” Hoseok adds while giving you a look laced with hidden meanings. You wanted to kill him.

Hoseok clapped Jin on the back. “I’ll see you later, man,” and he saunters out of the closet. Seokjin looks at you for a moment, looks out the door at Hoseok, decides not to press any further questions, and turns around and out the door. Leaving you alone, still incredibly affected, confused, and pissed.

a/n: this is my very first fic in a loooooooooooong time!! i got hit with some inspiration recently and wanted to try my hand at writing again, and i really like how it turned out considering i’m kinda rusty hehe. i hope you enjoyed reading this, i’m planning on making it into a bit of a series with a few more parts. thank you so much for reading!!

[simranskjain]

Joy of Small Things Here are some quarentine experiences which helped me to change my perspective about life. Hope it gives you a positive outlook on life too. 1. Morning walks are really mesmerizing specially when you spend you full day in front of laptop/mobile screens. The breeze and the morning rays when hit you leaves you refreshing. You can also cross your daily steps goal. 2. Listen to the Old playlist. Go to the music app and scroll down to the last playlist that you have created, or listen to that 2005 song that was on loop once. 3. Catchup with your old friends. Call them up or have a group video call. Have a trip down to "THE DAYS" which you wish can come back. 4. Try new things which are different from your domain. Try cooking if you are the one who has always been the 2 minute cook, try baking if you have never tried, write a blog about the strangest or the wickiest thing you have done. Learn new skills like coding, origami, crafting, painting or try some DIY from the YouTube videos. 5. Since you are locked down at you home and can't hangout with your friends, spend a night with your cousins or siblings. Start chatting about the most random thing or share your dark secrets and by morning you'll realised even they are good friends. 6. The art of self happiness is very addicting. Once you start living by yourself, there is no going back. Embrace yourself and live by your own terms. Don't fear judgement or criticism, if you get them just let it go. 7. Have a routine. Almost all life coaches emphasize on having a daily routine to lead a healthy and stress free life. I had the mindset that having a routine is too monotonous and i want my life to be hot and happening. Well you should just try once and you might like it just the way I do. But remember taking a break from that routine is equally important and you can change your routine bi-anually or so. 8. Plan for your life, either personal or professional. Many of us would be just living with the flow and then blame that the "right" time has passed. Set a time frame even for setting up the goal, you should not be spending more time planning than executing. It can be even a short term goal of completing the online course which you started or a long term goal to lose weight. Set Goals so that you can later live a life without regrets. 9. Spend some time with family. It could be just once or twice in a week. Family time doesn't have to be just chit chatting or your parents giving you lectures, it has to more than that. Spend some time playing cards,board games, going through old photo albums or even discussing some current affairs. You might get a chance to listem to some crazy things your parents have done in their times. 10. Challenge yourself. The best way is to accept the challenges which can make you better. It can be as simple as walking 50k steps a week, avoiding fried and whites in your diet or just reducing your screen time. You can push of your limits and get a better version of yourself.

The lockdown in most parts of the country is relaxed. These 70-90 days of loackdown has given me the best experience and insights about myself which I dont think would have been possible otherwise. I have pushed my limits and have made many new habits, got the pending chores done and ready to hustle further in life. What are somethings you learnt and how you pushed your limits?

Do let me know if you have any feedbacks and do like and share it :)

[weaselle]

I've decided.... I'm trans man.... how do I learn to be comfortable with accepting myself existing in ways that other people will criticize? Coming from someone who is scared of anyone being mad -E

Oh wow, I’m like, flattered AND worried that you would ask me, as if I have enough experience and strength of character to be offering solid advice in this area.

Okay, so, first of all, I’m struggling a bit with the inverse of this myself currently; like, I present very masculine to the people around me these daysa, and keep my feminine self largely hidden away. So please take this all with a grain of salt. Hell, you should probably take it with a whole layer of salt and include the lime and tequila.

BUT. I do have some experience that may be relevant, and I’m happy to share that with you in case it helps.

Before anything else, let’s just get this out of the way: on being scared to be around anyone who is mad. That’s. Listen, if somebody is actually ANGRY that you are just expressing your gender, I’m not going to tell you to be comfortable around that -- that’s a danger sign my guy.

Idk how old you are, maybe you’re talking about your parents and that’s something I’m not sure how to council you about, I would maybe refer you to your close friends that know both you and your parents for insight there.But in the rest of the world, if somebody is actually mad because of your gender, there’s nothing about life that says you should be comfortable about that, and it’s perfectly okay to not be comfortable with that. Your discomfort is there to prompt you to assess your safety, and while you are not in danger every single time somebody is mad about your gender, it is reasonable to assess that. Just like it is reasonable to assess your safety if someone is mad about the way you eat a sandwich or anything else there’s no real reason to be angry about, that’s a situation you have to evaluate for safety every time, and I won’t try to tell you to be more comfortable in those situations.

If it’s a big deal, if your life is being impacted negatively by how you feel when people are mad at you, I would recommend either therapy or self defense classes, depending on what you think the root of that issue is for you.

Okay, let’s talk about things.

One thing is, because of my inherent femininity (and some other complicated stuff) it took me forever to fit into masculine spaces well. So I know a little about what it might be like for a trans man. And here is something you may as well know - even if you are 100% perceived as male bodied, if you are in a group of men with no women present and you don’t meet their criteria of “masculine” behavior, often men will treat you in many of the same shitty ways that shitty men treat women. I mean, they will talk over and interrupt you, they will pick you to fetch coffee or clean up after the meeting or take the notes or whatever, they will ignore your good idea and then five minutes later think it’s a great idea when some other man in the group offers the same idea reworded. It’s often not your perceived gender as much as it’s your perceived manliness. 

I don’t know how old you are, but this does seem to improve significantly once you get solidly into adulthood. Still happens tho, especially depending on what group you’re in.

Now, I don’t mean to discourage you, nor tell you to try to fit in -- nobody should try to fit in with shitty people, that’s a recipe for turning out shitty.

What worked for me as a teen and in my twenties was building my own definition of masculinity, really thinking for myself what it means to be a man, how a “real” man talks and behaves. Doing a lot of this is probably the reason I’m non-binary instead of a trans woman today, and comfortable with the world perceiving me as a man -- because I have worked hard on defining and becoming a kind of man that I can be happy as.

This is the route I would recommend to you. Observe men, find role models in both your own life and literature, really consider what being a man means to you... take all the parts you like and a couple you invent and put it all together and call it manhood. Your manhood. 

For me, this meant deciding things like, the kind of masculinity that defines ME is comfortable with male physical contact, publicly enjoys things that don’t fit a narrow view of masculine behavior, and doesn’t care if other people think I’m a “real” man or not, because MY definition of a “real” man is a man whose masculinity comes from within and isn’t defined by others. So I’ll say I think a man is attractive, or talk about crying, or, idk, not know anything about cars or whatever, without feeling like I’m being un-masculine.

Being clear about what you personally consider to be a working definition of positive masculinity will help you be comfortable around people who are going to criticize your manhood. Being able to confidently say “Real men ____”, even just to yourself, will help you feel comfortable around people who might judge you or question your manliness.

There will be pressure and criticism, some doubt and discomfort. Even if you are an adult already, you may have to go through a little second childhood and work through some of the things a boy works through. But that’s fine and normal, right, to be a man you probably have to go through being a boy first, it’s only natural.

You’ll get through that, and when you’re comfortable with the man you are, the script flips on those hyper critical types, because suddenly you’re more sure of your own masculinity than they are their own gender expression -- there’s a fair bit of gender insecurity in people, especially men, a lot of whom have not taken the time to open-mindedly explore what being a man really means to them, and honestly the only reason to be super strict about enforcing generic gender concepts is if conforming to a gender standard they didn’t understand was the only thing defining their own manhood.

Basically, just do you, sir, be your own man. You’ll get comfortable with it, and until you are, remember that every man was once a boy experiencing the same uncertainties. 

Another thing I can tell you is: it’s better in cities.

Like, one of the reasons I’m presenting as masculine all the time right now is because I moved back to a very small town. When I was in San Francisco and Oakland it was just.. easier. In a city, you are never the most interesting person other people have seen that day. For real, like, there’s a woman screaming at a street sign over there and the other direction some dude is walking two snakes on leashes, and ten minutes ago there was a guy running around naked in the middle of a busy intersection; nobody gives a fuck about what you’re wearing or whatever. It’s very freeing.

And in a city you’ll witness plenty of other people living in ways that overlap with your own lifestyle, which is nice. People’s attitudes about things are different, there are so many people, living so many kinds of life, that everybody tends to have a very expanded expectation of what normal is (like, anybody NOT running around naked in a busy intersection has a good start on ‘normal’ already, even the snake guy) and folks usually mind their own business. In Oakland I can keep my beard, put on a pair of heels and some makeup, and walk around running errands and nobody bats an eye. In a small town, it’s often harder to have a normal day if there’s anything “unusual” about how you’re presenting yourself.

So I might consider trying to live for a while in a larger city if you don’t currently and could do so. 

So, that’s most of what I think I can tell you bout being a man around people criticizing or reacting negatively to your gender expression  Feel free to ask for clarification on anything, I hope I didn’t assume too much or come off as lecture-y, I’m really very touched that you would trust me with a question like that.

Go get ‘em, sir!

[erlenmeyertrash]

ramble about collegiate tips!!!

COLLEGIATE TIPS you get me <3

tips for college... but make it Quarantine: (sidenote these have only been tried by my able-bodied neurotypical self so. this isn’t psychiatric advice)

bored? go on a walk. go physically outside. open a window and take several laps around the house if that can’t happen. do some sit-ups. do some yoga. stretch!! your neck and back and joints!! wash your face. brush your teeth again. lie on your stomach and doodle on paper like you’re 5

can’t focus during a lecture? stand up at your desk. sit on the floor in a patch of sunlight. Change The Surroundings. text your friends (or lmao make a tumblr post) saying i am going to pay attention to this lecture and tell you what i learned afterwards. make it a challenge.

running out of food? can’t find the energy to Make a Meal? peanut butter and honey in a bowl. that’s it. or just a spoonful of peanut butter. also stay hydrated blease

freaking out about grades? life? the future? send an email. email your TA. email your prof. email your advisor. email the counseling center. email your parents. email your pen pal from 2011. i will literally help you draft this email i kid you not.

parents/siblings/roommates making it hard to focus but you hate conflict? slam the door before lecture. write a note and put it on your door. complain about having to listen to a professor via Zoom for hours on end. use headphones. steal headphones. try and explain that the education system has refused to slow down and you need to be able to focus. email the prof and ask for lecture recordings because your home life is super loud/not accommodating.

lonely? schedule discord dates!! zoom dates!! facetime dates!! do a screenshare and host a virtual movie night. heck just call someone for the h e c k of it (and to end it you can just say “well i’ll let you go/i just wanted to check in” so you’re not stuck). social interaction is a Weird Thing rn but it’s boosted my mood to interact with friends so far in any capacity

feel like you’re falling behind? these are unprecedented circumstances. your brain is running on low-power-mode with half the thrusters devoted to a mild fight or flight response. we don’t know how to react to this, and that’s okay! i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again. take this one day at a time. NOBODY is out here absolutely flourishing all of a sudden.

disappointed about not physically graduating or getting a ceremony? ...yeah. me too. and it’s okay to feel like crap about it. don’t put yourself down because others might have it worse. be proud of yourself!! this is a huge accomplishment.

when’s the last time you ate a vegetable? yeah, that’s what i thought. go eat a vegetable- and a GOOD one, too, not something that’s 90% water.

okay now for wild-type collegiate:

...it’s. it’s gonna be overwhelming. it’s a lot! you will learn as much about yourself as you do about whatever you decide to study. but here are some tips that i may or may not have already said a thousand times:

drink. water. get a water bottle. get 800 redbubble stickers and slap them on the bottle. now take it everywhere.

make friends with your advisors early on. they’re the ones to write to when you need to get forced into a class your senior year. if you come in for easy questions, are nice, etc. they’ll be much more amiable and willing to help you out.

try to introduce yourself to the prof and/or TA on the first day/week. if nothing else, you’ll be more comfortable if you ever have to panic email them later on

turning in late work is ALWAYS better than no work at all.

i have to sit within the first three rows or i’m a lost cause, so find where you’re the least distracted (likely the first 1-3 rows) and sit there forever

learn how to cut through buildings to shave like 5 minutes and countless weather mishaps off your commute time

know!! your sleep and productivity schedules. try to stick to them. i am physically incapable of being alive for an 8 am, and i’m most productive around sunset, so i love to stick classes between 9:30 and 3:00 with a break in between and calmly let myself eat and de-stress from mid-afternoon until early evening. there are people who can schedule all their classes from 8-10 and be productive all day and i am not one of them. college is the first time you get to plan your schedule, and perhaps will be the only time you can schedule your day to begin at 12:30 in the afternoon, so use that to your advantage

USE AND STICK WITH SOME FORM OF ORGANIZATIONAL SYSTEM. any kind of calendar i swear. it’ll save your life

download and save your syllabi!!!! this is a tip that i really hadn’t heard until i was already in grad school, but this can definitely help when you’re looking at course equivalencies or to talk about work/educational experience. if you haven’t no sweat, just start now

try to make at least mild acquaintances/contacts in each class, especially those major-related- this is just for missed classwork or “what the heck is question 3 even asking me?!” stuff. also make as many friends as you can comfortably handle. don’t overwork yourself socially because you think everyone has to be a social butterfly in college

college isn’t for everyone. your major might not be right for you. your college situation (out-of-state, living on campus, taking 21 hours a semester) might not be right for you. don’t give yourself crap if it is! figure out what you can study and/or work with without burning yourself out, and run full-speed ahead at it. it’s rough to find the balance between “idk i just think this is neat” and “i will spend the next 4+ years studying This and then the rest of my foreseeable future Doing This” but if you miscalculated the first time, just try again.

you will, at some point in college, be rejected from something. or be scared of getting rejected. or get a really, really harsh criticism from someone you admire. do it. don’t back down. rejections are important!! they are learning experiences academically and emotionally. they help you improve and they help you learn how to be rejected. if you graduate college and have Never been rejected from anything in your entire life, the world has set you up for a potential failure when you are completely caught off-guard the first time it happens and you’re well into your late 20s. this is coming from someone who teared up in a therapist’s office at the mere THOUGHT of being rejected from grad school. it’s literally more okay to cry on a college campus than anywhere else in the world

if you can, take a class Outside your major. i’m taking “Dystopian Writers” rn as a genetics major and it’s so neat to hear people discuss stuff i never would have thought about or experienced otherwise.

if you’ve got specific educational/collegiate questions throw em at me- i tried to make this general. however. hope this hELPS

[dogbearinggifts]

Fans are quick to leap to Vanya’s defense whenever her actions in the last episode are criticized. “She was drugged her whole life! She was locked in a soundproofed room in the basement for trying to apologize! Of COURSE she went mad with power and lashed out at everything and everyone!” And I’m inclined to agree. Vanya was drugged her whole life, and therefore did not know how to handle strong emotion. Prior to her transformation into the White Violin, she was suffocated by her brother, tossed into a soundproofed room, and forced to relive her childhood trauma. All of that was horrific, and while I do not in any way think that gave her a right to murder Pogo, kill a driver who honked at her, try to kill her siblings, and end life on Earth as we know it—I can understand it. I don’t condone her violent meltdown, but I can sympathize with its cause. 

But whenever Luther’s actions are brought up, he is roundly condemned. Again, I don’t condone anything he did. Throwing Klaus across the room after attempting to strangle him, punching a hole through the wall, suffocating Vanya—all of that is unconscionable and I’m not going to try and defend it. However, I am going to point out something that’s easy to miss: 

Luther doesn’t know how to handle strong emotion, either. 

Think back to his bearing throughout the first episode: He’s stoic. When he accuses his siblings of murdering Reginald, his tone is calm, matter-of-fact. When he dumps out his father’s ashes, there are no tears, just “Probably would’ve been better with some wind.” We see it again and again—he carries himself calmly, speaks in a low voice without much inflection. Aside from lashing out at Diego, both at the memorial service and later when Diego confronts him, the most emotion we see from him is during his breakdown, right after he learns his meticulous research went unread. And so many fans brush this off as evidence of a deep character flaw, rather than as evidence of deep trauma. 

In an abusive household, anger is dangerous. Any “negative” emotion is, but anger especially. It isn’t just that you’re not allowed to show you’re angry—you’re not allowed to get angry in the first place. Controlling and emotionally abusive parents take anger toward them as an insult, a mark of ingratitude for all the basic necessities that they so graciously bestow upon their children. And if you think it’s easy to hide anger by simply not slamming doors or stomping around, think again—these parents are almost supernaturally good at spotting it. The slightest look of displeasure, the barest edge in a voice, the tiniest hint of a clenched jaw—none of this escapes their notice. If they’re in a mood, they'll even take perfectly innocuous actions as signs of barely-contained fury; I can’t tell you how many times I was depressed and wanted to be by myself and my mom assumed I was angry with her. The result? Long lectures where she dragged my every character flaw out into the light and made me feel as if I would never amount to anything. She’d heap verbal abuse on me until I cried, then snap at me for crying. I’m close to the same age as the Hargreeves siblings, and I only recently realized that around authority figures, I nearly always speak in a monotone. 

It’s not explicitly confirmed, but I think Luther’s stoicism attests to similar treatment. He was always closest to Reginald, but he wouldn’t have been immune to his abuse—not by a long shot. He would have learned to navigate the man’s moods, learned to push all of his emotions deep down inside. And he learned to do this not simply to survive long enough to get out of that house, but because he genuinely loved his dad and wanted to please him. Reginald convinced him that the world needed him, and so Luther convinced himself that the treatment he endured was worth it, or that it wasn’t that bad, or maybe even that he deserved whatever punishment he got. If he can look at a man who mutated his body without his consent and left him to deal with the fallout all alone and say “He saved my life,” then I think we can safely assume Luther  actively forbade himself from feeling any anger toward Reginald. He would have had to, if he was going to continue living at home without conflict. 

So let’s fast-forward to the moment it all goes to hell: the moment in “The Day That Was” where he learns it was all for nothing. He snaps at Pogo. He cries. He gets drunk. And when Klaus tries to cheer him up, he cries some more, begs for something to numb the pain, and—when Klaus tries to stop him from going down the same dark self-defeating spiral he’s caught in—he lashes out at Klaus, putting a hand around his throat and tossing him across the floor. 

Luther rightly receives a lot of criticism for that moment, and I’m not going to defend what he did. But think about that moment again: He’s just learned he was sent to the Moon for four years for nothing. Robbed of human contact, robbed of the comforts of Earth, of normal food and most entertainments aside from his research—for no reason. I’ll bet his mind was racing, going over everything else Reginald put him through over the years, wondering if there was a point to it or if it was just for that man’s sick amusement. We see from his actions that every ounce of repressed anger, every negative emotion he has suppressed in his thirty years has come over him at once. 

And he doesn’t know how to handle it. Because he never learned. 

Again, I’m not defending any harm Luther perpetrated toward his siblings, because it’s indefensible. When he threw Klaus across the room or suffocated Vanya, he was clearly in the wrong and those actions should be condemned. But if you’re going to point out that Vanya’s epic meltdown came from a place of deep trauma and new wounds, exacerbated by emotions she didn’t know how to control, then at least extend the same courtesy toward Luther. 

Because like Diego said, he’s just as messed up as the rest of them.