#and dig out my HTML skills

[respectthepetty]

Tumblr took away my yellow color button, so I had to whip out my HTML skills.

Rude.

But now I'm gonna do ALL the colors that it doesn't allow me too!

Teal

Turquoise

Coral

Brown

Yellow

Gold

Dark Blue

Dark Red

Dark Green

Dark Purple

Light Pink

Gray

Black

White

THE WORLD IS MINE!

[be-ready-when-i-say-go]

Sweet Dreams--Part 6

Calum and you have dance around reality for a few months now. But after Calum leaves and returns from a trip, the reality has to be confronted. 

Weeks are passing and maybe more is blooming between you and Calum than might meet the eye.

Prince!Calum x Reader Insert.

CW: Smut across the series. Mentions of parental neglect, and alcohol abuse across the series as well.

Series Masterlist

My Complete Masterlist

The collar’s stiff, not stiff enough that it’ll just stay flat, but stiff enough that it won’t flatten from the half curl it’s in. You don’t have much else to dig out. It’s this shirt or what seemingly feels like having to accept defeat--skip the interview, continue on this dead end journey. And maybe it only feels a little exhausting because you spend your days buried deep in applications--uploading resumes, retyping them, editing cover letters, adding the same information on the PDF you just uploaded into the HTML application that you’re clicking through. Your name, email, last known dates of employment and location, your schooling. You’re stuck on a wheel, a carrot dangling in your face and always just inches from actually getting your teeth on it. 

This is your fifth interview in three weeks, but the track record you’re building is already speaking deeply for itself. Three of the four interviews have wound up being stark rejections. The last one was sweet, noting that your skill and caliber are impressive, but given the two year stint out of the cutthroat business they felt that you might be too much of a liability. So much that being a chef to royalty seems to get you. But you understand. The restaurant business is lethal. It is knife to throat at all times, no shut eye, always looking over your shoulder with a handful of salt at the ready. You have been out of that realm for quite some time. You still had plenty of time to look, but the frustration clouds all your judgment. You just know you need a job. 

As you fight with the collar, you consider if it would be such a bad idea to look into becoming a private chef in the interim until you found something else, until you had a handle on what you’re actually looking for outside of desperation. There had to be someone right enough, much too lazy to do their own cooking to hire you on. And it would give you some of your life back. But you don’t settle for that idea just yet. You don’t give in just yet. You still have this interview in front of you and the collar that won’t fucking cooperate. 

“C’mon!” Your voice booms more than you intend. 

“You really ought to have a steamer,” Calum laughs. His voice is small through the speakers of your phone. You turn to face the phone now, realizing that you probably shouldn’t blow your top over a fucking collar. Calum he motions for you to turn. 

You oblige, shuffling in a circle as you speak, “Buy me one and then I will have one.”

“Is that not classified as knight in shining armor bullshit? Or is that just your being frustrated?” Calum questions. It comes with a laugh, but you know the true meaning. 

“It’s me being frustrated at this fucking job hunt. Is it a no on the shirt?”

“The shirt is fine, baby. You got a dryer in that establishment that I’ve only ever gotten to see on a phone screen?”

You nod at the question, fingers moving to the top buttons of the shirt to undo them. “We both know why you haven’t. I need to be in the new job before I flaunt you to my roommates.”

“Miranda did say that Josie was looking a little suspicious.” 

Josie’s the quietest of the roommates, excluding you. She can’t even humanely capture a fly without the tears brimming in her eyes. Fortunately for her, when the insects do run amuck, you’re usually swift to handle them when you spot them or to call the leasing office to have them schedule a spray. She’s knocked on your door twice for her help with a bug and you’ve never been able to turn her away. 

“About this dryer?” you ask, pulling your arms out of the sleeves. 

“Yes, yes, sorry to Josie. She’s probably a nice woman. But mist that shirt. Don’t soak it. You just want it damp. Then put it on a low cycle for like 15 minutes max. You’ll have to hang the shirt up immediately after taking it out of the dryer though. Think you can handle that?”

“I think so.” 

The interview is scheduled for late in the afternoon. You knew it would be rough for you, meaning you’d get little sleep potentially. But you had to do what needed to be done. So you’d only get up only after a quick nap to get ready. Calum promised to be free to help you prepare and the moment you texted him about being awake, he called. The last twenty minutes you’d been on the phone you’d huffed at the limits of your closest. There were only so many shirts you had to wear for the interview and the last thing you wanted to do was show up in a shirt that you couldn’t be sure if it was clean or not. So you were left to this one, a collar as disobedient as ever. 

“You’re going to land something, baby. It’s going to be okay,” Calum offers. 

“I appreciate it.” You know he means well but it doesn’t necessarily erase all the nerves. Time is the guillotine as it is. You’ve only got so much time to land on your feet before time takes your head. You try to tell yourself, when you lay down for sleep, not to listen to the tick of the clock. 

With your t-shirt slipped back over your torso, you gather your phone off your dresser. “How are sessions?” You keep your voice soft as you ask the question. Calum’s no good as a punching bag. He’s not the person you’re angry with. Though, you don’t know if it’s a person you’re truly angry with anymore anyway.  

“Long,” Calum returns. 

“Any swingers?” you ask. You know it’s really not your business but there is a part of you that is curious. It felt like a slippery slope. As much as Calum wanted to play the game right, as much as Calum wanted to be the good guy, the game he’d been placed into was rigged. It always would be. It would just take Calum a little bit longer to see that, to understand just how much it was an old game with deep roots. He could play it the right way, but he’d have to be okay with a lot of failure. You wonder if Calum’s ever used to failing at anything. Not that you think he’s been handed everything in his life. But you know the wall for him was shorter. He had more people under him, more people to keep the ladder safe and still for him. 

“A couple,” he answers. “It’s…slow, as I’m sure you know. So fucking slow.”

“People on the news say another vote is coming up next week?”

“There is. I don’t think we have the numbers. Not yet.”

There’s something in how Calum keeps his responses short that sets the hairs on the back of your neck up into the air. “What’s wrong?” You don’t want it to come out accusatory. You know that there may not be something wrong, but your gut tells you otherwise. And you’ve got no reason not to listen to it. 

Calum’s exhale is harsh, head dropping back on his shoulders. You watch the expanse of his neck for a moment, how he swallows before bringing his face back into the frame. “It’s not working. It’s just not fucking working,” he huffs. “Playing this fucking straight is killing people. We just got the unemployment numbers. They’ve skyrocketed. When I talk to people about how this happened, I interview CEO’s or get statements from them and they say no one wants to work. So I go to the streets and I hear people are looking for jobs, they’re desperate for it. But not so much that they’ll be exploited. Nine, ten hour shifts with no breaks, no pay increases, buildings that aren’t up to code in the slightest, or just barely passing inspection. And I’m sure there’s some not so great people at the manager helm, but like profit margins are blowing the fucking roof but the employeess can’t afford medication. The people in the cabinet don’t care enough because their checks are still cash. Their coffee still comes out steaming and hot like it’s supposed to. They can still go to the dentist to make sure they don’t get a cavity or fill it without a blink. People are dying and no one wants to get off their asses. And I’m doing this the way it should be done. And the world--.”

Calum’s monologue comes to a crashing halt. His eyes are wild and unfocused. You can see the frustration turning the tips of his ears red. You can see it pushing at his chest. “And the world keeps fucking spinning,” he whispers to conclude the thought that stopped him. 

“The last I heard Galileo had proven the earth orbited the sun, not Cabinet.” It’s a joke. One that you hope breaks Calum out of his daze. It seems to work--but only a little as his lips quirk into a grin. 

“It’s a shame no one’s told the Cabinet that,” Calum teases. 

“You did once. I don’t think that fire’s gone totally. Not if you don’t go it alone. I’m not a mathematician. I don’t know how many you need, who you need of course.”

“We just need enough,” Calum replies. “You deserve better than complacency.”

“Me?” The two of you are talking about thousands of people, hundreds of thousands. But the two of you are not talking about you--singular. Yet Calum is.

It’s only a nod you get and behind the silence the clock on your wall ticks and tocks. You catch the seconds like falling snowflakes--one by one--as you watch Calum’s face settle. He doesn’t seem to want to answer the question but after the quiet gets too long, you press again. “Calum, what do you mean that I deserve better than complacency?”

“You deserve better. Perhaps, you deserve havoc.” 

“Done to, or doing?” you ask. 

“Never done to,” Calum returns quickly. “You don’t deserve any more havoc in your life, but maybe you deserve to bear witness to something done by someone else.” You told Calum that--to wreak havoc until he could get seats turned over. You don’t even really know what it was supposed to mean. You’d hope it would’ve just been comforting enough to help him get through the door and back into the room. You don’t think you would’ve said it if it meant what it does now to Calum. 

“What if there’s no stick or shovel?” you ask. If Calum’s going to get into the deep end, if he’s going to wade through the tall grass, you don’t want him to do so blindly. You don’t want him to do without recognizing that he might become the very thing he was scared of. 

“At least we’ll both know I tried my best then, right?”

You nod. But you remember--how Calum worried about if he didn’t play this game right and got into the mud then he would consider himself as having failed. “And we’ll both know you weren’t a failure, right?”

Calum nods in return. “I think I’d be more of a failure if I didn’t do something.”

“Are you sure you want to do this?” You don’t know what this is actually referring to. You don’t know what Calum’s got planned but you do know that look in his eyes--a laser focus. You’re sure that if you were to see his jaw, there would be a small tick to you, the final testament to his resolve. “No bullshit. No bravado. Is this what you actually want to do?” you ask. 

“Have I ever done something I didn’t want?” 

You remember though. You remember how Calum spoke softly about his childhood, how he was allowed the space to be a child, let abandon fall by the wasteside. He always knew where he was going. His path was predetermined by fates outside of his control, his path paved in ways that do not allow for yearning. “Have you ever wanted? Not placed, not disciplined, not assumed. Have you ever actually wanted for something? Do you want this? You can build a house with integrity. It will stand.”

You think Calum’s going to blow you off, the camera shakes for just a moment and you’re praying to the heavens he doesn’t undermine your question. But his face stays. He leans in. “But it’s too damn slow. Besides, this isn’t about my morals anymore, baby. This is about what needs to happen. Those emergency funds need to go out. Legislation needs to change. Asses need a fire under them, more now than ever.”

There’s no turning this tide. Like waves follow the moon, Calum’s being pulled by something. It’s invisible to you right now and you know you can’t press on. Your alarm to remind you about the interview in another hour rings out. You swipe it away to snooze it, knowing you’ve only got nine more minutes before the alarm comes back around. But you can hear the crashing of the waves. You hear what Calum is saying: I need to do it this way.

 “I’ll pick up spare matches.”

“I hear there’s a two for one special,” Calum laughs. “Now I think I heard your alarm. Go on. I’ll call again when you get to the interview. You’ve got a shirt that needs a flat collar.”

A knock sounds from Calum’s end of the call that interrupts your response. “Yes?” Calum calls out. 

“You’re late!” you faintly catch and think it’s Miranda. 

“Shit,” he whispers and then focuses back to you. “Best of luck, baby. Don’t forget to call when you get there! Love you.”

He smiles at you one last time and then the screen goes black. You’re left standing there, phone held up to your face and your reflection staring back at you. Shock’s never looked more like a painting, your mouth agape but not quite in the oval of the scream, as you catch sight of your face in the black screen of your phone. 

“There’s no way he means that right now,” you whisper to yourself. 

You’d always thought the guillotine would drop when you couldn’t find a job and the notices came for all your possessions, and you were left with nothing. You’d yet to consider the guillotine to fall over a phone call, over two words. 

Love you. 

Your alarm sounds again. Right, you’ve got the interview. You’ve got a shirt and collar to get sorted. 

Love you. 

You scramble to get the shirt damp and into the dryer. Thinking the guillotine was losing and handling change is a childish thought. The guillotine is really a fear of what’s been brewing. You can no longer say that you hope or want for Calum. You can no longer say that you watch with curiosity. 

You pray, and fret, and hope with care, with love. You worry because you know the thing you want. You know the thing you’ll fight for now isn’t just selfish anymore. It’s mutual. It’s mutual and all it took was two words: love you. Perhaps, you will find two boxes of matches. 

The building in front of you reminds you of your days with Mrs. Shirley--it looks industrial with the gray walls, like you’re stepping back in time. Though all your missing is Mrs. Shirley maroon pickup truck and the radio. This parking lot is quite full though instead of empty. A shopping cart or two are left behind on the sidewalks. You can hear the twinkle of dog tags. But the building’s mural looks fresh. Like it might’ve just been painted up there. Not what you expect from the restaurant, after reviewing the ratings, but something about it feels comforting.

Your fingers hover over the phone icon. If you call him, are you even going to address what he said? Are you going to light the beacon or let the words carry on like an undercurrent? You can’t not call though. 

“Hi, baby,” Calum answers. You can hear the smile in his voice. 

“Made it to the restaurant,” you return. 

“What’s the first impression so far?”

You shrug, looking out around you from the shelter of your car. “Still assessing. But promising, I hope.”

“We’ll take hope. You’ve got your copies of your resume, right?”

You turn to look at the blue folder on the seat next to you. “I do.”

“At least three questions to ask the interviewer, right?”

“Always,” you laugh. “It’s not my first rodeo, cowboy.”

“No, you’re an experienced rider. Just gotta make sure though.” Calum’s laughter follows his sentence. 

“I appreciate your concern.”

Softly, oh so softly, does Calum’s voice fall and filters through the line. “I think I’ve got a good feeling about this one. Need anything before you head inside? Pep talk? Going over your questions?”

You shake your head no again, knowing he can’t see. Calum’s had a good feeling about the last two interviews. The last one he was sort of spot on until the rejection came. But maybe things were moving in the right direction. 

“No, I’m good. Just wanted to call like promised,” you eventually settle on. Though in the back of your brain you can see still the echoing of Calum’s earlier statement. Would you return it? Should you? What if Calum doesn’t mean it the way you would? 

“Hmm, I do appreciate the call.”

Is Calum going to bring it up? Would he call attention to his own actions? Were you putting too much weight behind the words? 

As the silence stretches on for a second, then two. The time on your radio clicks over. You still have to get inside. Calum’s words are soft--accented in a way you don’t think you’ve heard them spoken before. But a warmth settles over your chest. 

“Good luck,” Calum whispers. 

“I hope your good feeling is good for one more time.”

“It will be. I put in a good word with the ancestors.”

You snort at the joke. “Thanks.”

“Anytime.”

That’s all there is--you hang up after your goodbyes. The clock on your radio ticks over another minute. The phone feels like lead in your hands and you want to call Calum back. You want to ask him what he meant when he said Love you but you’ve got to go. You grab your folder and push against the door handle of the car. 

At the front of the building, you watch through the glass front windows at the people smiling. Servers drop off plates, patrons focus in on the food in front of them. The place looks inviting. You are intrigued to see more of the inside, see what the inner workings hold for you. So, you press forward. The hostess greets you with a bright smile. “Just one today?”

You shake your head. “I’m actually here for an interview.” You pass along your name and she nods. 

“Just one moment. I’ll be right back.”

From the foyer, you take note of the aroma--it’s earthy but the fringes of it feel heavy. “Here for the interview?” The voice is thick and soft. 

You turn to find an older woman, maybe in her fifties or so. Her skin is dark, nearly matching the black t-shirt she’s adorning. “Yes, that would be me,” you return, pushing up from the plush bench. 

She grins, taking your hand to shake. “C’mon then. I believe you spoke with the assistant manager, Glenn, previously.”

“Yes, I did.”

“I’m Turner. Let’s head back.”

“Nice to meet you, Turner.” You follow behind her through the crowds. You’re careful of course with the servers coming through. The kitchen is alive--you can hear the orders coming through, a string of laughter following behind it though. You’re much more used to shouts of frustration. The kitchen is no place for thin skin, but it intrigues that even on a busy afternoon there’s laughter. 

Before you even realize it, you’re in the back office, settling into the computer chair across from Turner. She pulls a pen out of the bun. “When we saw Vista on your resume, we were quite impressed. I will admit, very few come from fine dining down to us. We’re still pretty young in the game.”

“Well, I don’t think it’s a downgrade, that’s for certain,” you counter. Not after what you’ve seen just so far. Of course, things can and will change once you start. You know that it won’t be rainbows all the time at the job. Yet, you feel a calling in your heart that this might be the right place for you to go at the end of it all. 

“Well, thank you,” she laughs. “I understand this might be a personal question, but if I can, what are you looking for in your next place of work? Were you missing something at your previous jobs?”

That’s the question of the hour. You weren’t missing anything at your current job. It had what you wanted. But matters of the heart with royalty have a complicated path. “I left fine dining because of life situations demanding it. The thing I’m looking for in my next job is not just a place to cook, but a place to grow. I’ve learned a lot in school and use it daily, but I also think there’s only so much you can learn in a textbook. You learn a lot more when you work with a variety of techniques and cuisines.” 

Turner nods. “I see. So you’re looking for a place that has a bit of a challenge for that healthy growth?”

“I think that would be the best way to put it, yes.”

“Your references speak extremely highly of you. I believe Ms. Janet was nearly in tears on the phone with us. It’s a good sign to us at the least. I am interested in hearing a bit more about times where you feel like you learned more outside of your technical training.”

“Of course.” You dive into the time you spent with Mrs. Shirley and what you learned--inside of the world of culinary arts and outside of it. For the entirety of the interview you and Turner trade questions and expectations about the role. The restaurant opens 11 to 8 every day except Sundays, that’s 12-6. Once a month the restaurant connects with a local shelter to house a potluck and provides meals for those in need. You learn that there is talk of expanding the franchise into a non-profit, but the pipeline to get employees who’ve been with the company into the non-profit is the highest priority of course while also including experts to ensure the longevity. 

As the conversation continues you learn about the expectation of the daily operations. You’d be expected to work in the kitchen and unfortunately due to being slightly short staffed, you might have to handle some serving duties. They’d want someone who could man the bar as it could provide a bit more flexibility with other staffing structures. But should you be hired on, they’d pay for the training and licenses when it comes to the bar and mixing drinks. While the staffing concerns raise a small alarm in your head, you know the potential that you’d be called in on your days off would be extremely high, you are a little intrigued to have some normalcy back by having more conventional working hours. It would be nice to grab your siblings for dinner, have dates with Calum at a reasonable time. 

There are efforts to work with other venues and opportunities in the community--seafood festivals, catering corporate picnics and holiday parties. But management does try to balance the demand as best as possible according to Turner. It feels like a lot of cookie jars on the table, but the priority first is always the restaurant. When you ask about the kind of demands on a slow day as compared to that of a higher volume day, specifically in how food is prepared and what the shipments look like, Turner gives you a laugh. 

“I don’t know why I expected anything else from a seasoned vet.” But Turner goes on to explain how the kitchen is prepped and what kind of support to expect. 

You grin. “I’ve been burned in some hot fires before. Experience is the best kind of teacher. But thank you for taking the time to answer that.”

“Of course,” Turner returns. “Training, as you probably already know, is a bit more like that trial by fire. You’ll work with some of our seasoned chefs and they’ll work with you through the menu. Expect this to take you a few weeks to get comfortable with and we’ll take it slow if you need. From what I can see, you’ve been out of this particular game for a couple years and we’d hate to see you get burned again.”

You nod, a bit of your heart releasing from the clutches. Maybe your time away won’t be so much of a detriment here than other places. They’re still growing. They can afford a few more luxuries that other restaurants may not be able to spend. “Thank you.”

By the time you conclude the interview, you’re praying that you actually land this job-not for desperation, but because you think this might be the kind of place that would give you a feeling of peace. There’s care in this place and you don’t want to be left out of that. You settle into the driver seat and immediately pull up Calum’s name. It’s been an hour, much longer than you anticipated for the interview and you know he’s worried. 

The call doesn’t get answered immediately, but you let it ring and ring.  “I’m sorry I missed your call. Please leave your name and number and a brief message and I’ll return your call,” Calum’s voicemail echoes into the bowels of your car. 

“Sorry I missed you,” you start, “Finished the interview now. And I think, well, no, no, I know I want this job. The manager seems really nice and it’s--it’s such a nice place. I want this job more than anything now and I know. I know I said before I’d take whatever, but Forest is actually the kind of place I want to work for. Have the ancestors gotten back to you yet? Hope you’re doing okay though. Call me back when you can. Love you.”

There--it feels a bit cowardice to leave it in a voicemail, but you don’t want to lose this courage either. So you leave it, on a recorded line, where you can’t take it back. But at the very least, it’s out there now. 

______________________________________

Calum’s phone shakes from his pocket. He feels it against his thigh and his immediate reaction is to reach for it, make sure it’s not you calling him back before ignoring the call. But Miranda’s throwing another file his way and he reaches out to catch it. The call will ultimately have to wait. “A heads up would be nice,” Calum huffs. 

“Keep up,” she laughs. 

“Son, you don’t have to do this though,” his father warns. “I can take this angle. I can talk to her.”

“Everyone knows we talk shop, Pops.”

“You’ve--you’ve just always said you wanted a clean game.”

Calum shakes his head, looking up to his father. “It’s not a game, though, Dad. I keep treating this like it’s a match. It’s not a game. It’s never been one. Everyone else thinks it is. But we can’t pretend like it's just a game anymore, where there’s no stakes. There are real consequences for what we do and don’t do. There’s real life in the balance of what we do.”

“But what you’re asking for,” his father warns. “We can’t take this back.”

Calum shrugs. “Well, perhaps, they should’ve been thinking about re-election the entire time.”

  Miranda has the spare keys though it’s not technically her job. Calum cracks open the file and peers up at the ledger in front of him. It’s a tally of the most recent votes--who voted for what. The goal isn’t to have dirt and blackmail. The goal is to have a firm line, a recounting of every choice and consequence that’s come because of it. 

“People are looky quite cushy from my vantage point,” Calum notes. His phone vibrates again against his leg. He’d shockingly forgotten about the call. 

“And you’re sure you can do this before the voting on Thursday,” his dad questions. 

They’ll need the official tally before the end of the week and Thursday was the latest day they could go. Should the bill get passed, it’ll go into effect the middle of the following week. The treasury and department of taxation is just waiting on standby and has been for weeks to start getting payments to roll out. 

“Pops,” Calum laughs, pulling his phone out from his pocket. “I wrote 12 page papers in college the night before they were due. A week is just perfect. I just need you lifting heavy in session, doing most of the talking if you can.”

His father nods. “Of course, I can, son. Of course, I can.”

Miranda settles a ring with two keys onto the table. “You’ll need those. And a lot of coffee. And maybe a miracle.”

“Thank you for your vote of confidence, Miranda,” Calum laughs. 

“And if I can say, which of course I can, I’m about damn ready for someone to actually get something done around here. My back is killing me,” she teases. There’s no worry on her part about the presence of Calum’s father. She’s always had the fearless streak. 

There’s a pass of laughter and Calum turns to see a missed call from you. He notices there’s a voicemail too. Bringing the phone up to his ear, he listens to your voice, “Sorry I missed you,” you start over the recorded message, “Finished the interview now. And I think, well, no, no, I know I want this job. The manager seems really nice and it’s--it’s such a nice place. I want this job more than anything now and I know. I know I said before I’d take whatever, but Forest’s is actually the kind of place I want to work for. Have the ancestors gotten back to you yet? Hope you’re doing okay though. Call me back when you can. Love you.”

Calum’s heart pounds against his ribs. His own breath catches, he can feel the struggle to regulate his breath. Love you, rattles in his brain. Love you. He was hoping you hadn’t caught that. Calum prayed he could somehow pretend that he hadn’t let those words slip. He’d gone on about the rest of his day and you hadn’t said a word. You hadn’t texted him about it. It hadn’t even come up in the brief call you two had before the interview. Calum thought he was in the clear. He’d hoped he was in the clear. 

But clear isn’t standing in front of Calum. Not anymore.

It’s the clattering of his phone against the table that brings Calum back to reality. 

“You okay, son?” His father’s voice is slow, but clear. Calum’s not listening though. He scrambles to pick up his phone and push up out of the seat he’s in. It sends him clattering into the chair a couple feet from the door as he tries to get his phone right side up in his hands. “Calum, please. What’s the matter?”

Calum shuts the heavy wooden doors behind him--though it’s really gravity that does most of the work and Calum just holds the knob with enough pressure to keep it from slamming. The phone rings, even before it’s at his ear, and his ribs ache with the pounding of his heart. 

He was supposed to be in the clear. 

“Hi, can you give me like two seconds?” You don’t wait for an answer, voice sounding a bit further away than before. “Hi, can I get 20 on pump 4 please?”

A voice returns to your question with a response. “You could go thirty and see me less.”

“And what’s the fun in that?” you laugh and as the sound gets closer, Calum is sure his heart will leap up his throat and out of his chest. “I’m back.”

“So?” Calum starts. How should he ask it? Should it even be a question at all? But before any other words come, you’re responding. 

“So.”

Calum wants it to mean what he thinks it does--an answer to his unspoken question. His throat jumps as he opens his mouth and the shakes take over the first attempt at his words. He clears his throat to try again. “I got your voicemail.”

“I presume the ancestors have spoken then.”

Calum laughs--short and all an exhale. “They had to put me on hold. But I-I listened to the whole voicemail.”

The noises of a busy street--cars going past, horns honking, a voice floating in from somewhere behind you--take over the silence for a moment before you respond, “Good.”

“You’re going to make me say it aren’t you?” Calum questions. There’s no way you’d just let Good fall from your lips and not mean more. 

“You already did. I said it second.”

There--there it was,  the yolk oozing from the cracked shell. “You didn’t have to if you weren’t ready. Doesn’t it all feel a bit too soon?”

“You’re honey and I am molasses. Just seconds apart really.”

You say it so easily, like even if Calum is faster than you, even if these things come up sooner you know you’re not far behind. “I didn’t mean to rush you though. I don’t want to say it slipped out. Though that’s what it feels like. Like why wouldn’t I say I love you?”

“Well, why wouldn’t you?”

Your question. doesn’t feel like a challenge. It doesn’t feel like some way for Calum to get out of the hole he feels like he might be teetering on the edge. Maybe it’s meant for Calum to say whatever it is that he needs to say. Calum will take it though, take the leap if you’re going to let him. 

Calum inhales deeply and lets the words fall in his exhale, “That’s the thing. I have no reason why I wouldn’t say it. Because I do. I love you.” He feels no need to qualify that statement, make it mean less or mean something different. There’s no need for that. 

“I wish I could see your face,” Calum confesses. It would make this less awkward maybe. It might ease some of the fear in his chest as he waits. 

“Do you know the painting, The Scream?” you ask. 

“Yeah, yeah, I know the painting,” Calum answers, picturing the figure, hands pressed to the side of their face and mouth gaping open in an oval. 

“That’s my face,” you laugh. 

Calum snorts at the mental image--the shock on your face. He saw it earlier before he hung up on the video call. There was just the briefest moment where Calum was sure he’d messed up and he waited by his phone. He waited for your text, your call, but it never came. 

“It’s scary to admit that you love someone. You know it all the same. I’m scared. And I know it all the same. That I love you.”

“And what makes you scared? Hmm? What’s so scary about it?” He really hadn’t meant to push this sooner than you were ready. But the can had already been opened. There was nothing that could take this back now. 

Your sigh crackles through the line before your response does, “I don’t take saying that lightly. It’s easier to show it. It’s easier to never let it come to the surface. Much, much easier just to let it go unsaid.”

“If it helps, I’ve always seen it. I’ve always known.”

“You’ve always known?” The question falls with a teasing lilt and Calum exhales his laughter alongside you. 

“And if I say, yes, what about it?” Calum teases in return. He’s not truly sure if he’s always known. But he’s had a hunched. Calum could've guessed it, but the sound of your confirmation winds him. 

You continue on though around Calum’s earlier tease. “When you said love you earlier, I wasn’t sure if I should’ve responded or should’ve said anything in return. Then trying to make it on time for the interview took priority. And I didn’t think I’d address it. Not again for a little bit at least. Well, you know the rest. I left that voicemail.”

“Did it slip out? Did you feel like you had to say it?” The fear comes back. He’s not going to be happy if you feel pressured. 

“No, I knew if I didn’t say it then I knew I’d keep finding excuses. A calculated risk, I’d dare to say.”

“You live at your own pace though, baby.”

“I know. And I do. And I did when I left that voicemail. No regrets. I promise.”

It’s final. Calum knows by the tone of your voice, so he nods. You can’t see it. But he nods regardless and drops his head into the wood of the door. “But the interview went well?”

“I think so. I hope I get the job. They’re understaffed. Manager admitted it and I know that means I’m getting in over my head. They’re going to be calling for me to cover shifts. They also want to cross train for the bar. It’s not a perfect job by any means. But it’s something I want. It could give me a leg back into the kitchen, get my sea legs again and get some additional certifications under my wing. Could be a really good stepping stone and I think right now that’s what I need.”

“Extra shifts before the holidays wouldn’t be so bad,” Calum figures. Summer is starting to wind down. The crisp fall winds show up in the early hours of the morning. It won’t be long before the holidays descend. “You now have to compete with giant unicorns.”

“Oh I absolutely do not,” you snort. “You have to compete with them though. Teagan already knows that’s not how it works with me.”

“Well, I hope you get it, baby. Would you be working days again? I assume so, but I could be wrong.”

“Yeah, I’d be working days. I mean, the days are still late. Restaurants open to 8PM most of the week. But I’d get home at a reasonable time. I’d get days off where I don’t spend most of them sleeping. It’s not perfect, but it is better in some rights.”

“Did they say when they’d get back to you?” Calum pushes up off the door. One hand he slips into the pocket of his dress pants as his shoes click against the floors. His walk is short, only a couple feet to the sides until he hits the wall.

“Monday, next week.”

“Do you work here that Tuesday?”

“Yes, I do.”

“Can I take you out to dinner before your shift?” He’d want to phrase it more like a gentle demand, but your schedule is a bit more delicate than his. He’s not sure if it would work out or not. 

“I’d love to get dinner. What would be the occasion?”

“A date. It’ll be a celebration.”

“Calum,” you start. “You say that like you’re sure I’m going to get the job.”

He laughs. “I am sure. The ancestors just got back to me.”

The doors creak open and Calum catches the start of his father’s head out of the space between the crack in the door. “You okay?” his father asks. 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. I’ll be back in. Give me another few minutes,” Calum returns, pulling the speaker away from his mouth just a little. 

“Is everything alright?” you ask. “Was that David?”

His father nods and heads back into the room. Calum brings the phone back closer to his mouth. “Yeah. Everything’s okay. I-I might’ve spooked just a little listening to your voicemail earlier. It’s all okay though. But Tuesday. Dinner before your shift. Say, 6:30?”

“Did you have a heart attack listening to my voicemail?” The laughter is clear in your voice. 

“No, not quite that. I was just working on something and I missed your initial call. Gave Dad a little bit of a fright when I was shocked. But it’s nothing major. No injuries I’m happy to report. Are you okay to meet here and then I’ll drive us to dinner? I could also pick you up but I don’t know how you’d feel about that.”

“I’ll meet you there. I appreciate the offer and we’ll get there. But I didn’t mean to interrupt your work though.”

Calum groans, spinning to face the wall. His forehead hits the warm softly. Yes, yes, work. The tallies. He does need to go through those ledgers. He needs to look at the immediate fall outs of all major votes. He needs that before the votes. He’s got to focus. And Calum can. He knows he can. But he does want to see you too. Ease any worries that you might have and keep your mind off checking your emails or phone for words from Forests.

“Yes, yes, I do. I’d rather talk to you, but it’s important too.”

“What if I swung by for a little bit? I’ve got those two boxes of matches.”

A hum falls over his throat. “That would be nice. To see you.”

“I need to swing by my place and then I’ll be right over. It’ll buy you at least forty minutes.”

“Make it an even hour? I hate to beg. But I can do a lot more damage in an hour while my dad’s still here than once he clocks out for the evening.”

“I think I can find something else to do for the extra twenty minutes. See you then?”

“Oh, don’t make it sound like a question. See you in an hour.”

The call ends, and Calum pushes up from the wall. He’s got an hour. The doors are heavy, creaking just a little as Calum pulls on them. When Calum steps back through, he rolls up the sleeves. He’s gotta make every second count if he’s going to spend some time with you. “Was that who I think it was?” his father asks. 

“Yes, Pops. It was. They know you’re still owed a game of golf.”

“Oh, I’m not worried about that. Did they say how the job hunt is going? It’s rough out there.”

“The interview today went well. Hoping they land it. But before you call it a day in an hour can I still borrow you?”

His father nods. “Of course. How far back are we going?”

“Last five years I’d reckon,” Calum answers. He needs enough substance just to start. If it’s not enough, he can go back even further. But he has to start somewhere at least. 

“And are we looking at any specific kinds of referendums and legislations? Or just anything?”

“I think at this point--grab a notebook and jot down whatever sticks out to you. I’ll go back through your ledgers later if it’s not enough.”

A packet of sticky notes falls onto the pile of their table. “Mark any pages that are interesting with sticky notes. It’ll make your life easier,” Miranda states. “Work smarter, not harder.”

Calum grins over to Miranda. “Knew I liked you.” 

Calum’s not sure how quickly the hour passes. There’s a blur of cursive ink and blue, yellow, and pink stickies. But Calum knows the hour is done when his father sighs. “Think that’s all I’ve got for today,” his father says, hands on knees. It’s the preamble to his push up and off the couch. Calum can’t fault it. There’s a lot of work to be done and it’s his idea. But Calum is grateful to have the extra hands for the time being. 

“Thanks for the help so far,” Calum returns. 

“Of course, son, of course.” 

No sooner than his father cracking open the door Calum’s phone rings. Your name lights up his screen and those ledgers and notes can wait for a later time. “Up on the third floor,” Calum offers in his answer to your call. He’s slipping pages back into order, shutting ledgers. “But I can meet you at the elevators if you head up.” 

“Eager beaver,” you tease. “I’ll see you there.” 

Calum feels the buzz of his skin with excitement. His ribs know just how your chest will press into his and for that, he’s grateful. His lips know the press of yours, how you’ll sigh just a little into the kiss. It comes from somewhere in your throat and sounds like relief. Though Calum will admit that occasionally, he’s not sure if it was your noise or his. It doesn’t matter enough for Calum to piece it apart when the elevator dings and peels open to reveal you. A tiny wave and smile as you step out. 

Calum wastes no time to gather you up, pressing a kiss to your forehead before gently guiding in for a kiss. It’s Calum who sighs first into this kiss. The noise vibrating in his throat, rattling the sound into more of a hum. “Missed you,” he whispers against your lips. 

“Don’t have to anymore,” you return, resting your forehead against his. 

_________________________________

“How’s Santa doing?” Teagan asks as she slips into the backseat. You snort at the question but watch from the open car door as she buckles up. It’s clear as her eyes fall onto yours you know who she’s really referring to. 

“He’s good,” you nod. 

“I have a new Christmas list actually,” Charlie pipes in from the passenger side back seat. 

Your brows raise. “Do you now? It’s a good thing I told him we’ll need to confirm with you if anything changed. We’ll give you some more time to check it over before we seal the deal.”

Charlie’s nod is final and with both of them settled into the car, you shut the door. From the living room windows, you can see your mother watching--her hands on her hips. She watches and you can’t shake the feeling that it’s more than just a motherly gaze. She wasn’t there when you opened the door. Melvin did--Teagan and Charlie at his heels. But you know she’s always watching. Diana’s always in the wings. 

You settle into the driver seat and shut the door, watching her stare. Time will tell what’s up her sleeve--if there’s anything at all too of course. You’re not so blinded by the tug of your stomach to not consider you might be making this all up anyway. From the cup holder, your phone shakes. Once. You watch it, finger frozen as your heart starts to race. You told Turner that afternoons and evenings were the best times to reach you. 

The phone doesn’t buzz anymore. Not a phone call. Your chest deflates a little and the worry begins to bubble. When were you going to get this call back about the job? As you pick up the phone, you notice Calum’s name across the screen. Have you heard…the rest is cut off by the preview screen. Maybe there’s actually more but your eyes don’t see it all. You place the phone back down, slip the seatbelt over your chest, and meet Diana’s eyes again. A hawkish gaze from the windows in the bright afternoon. 

“Where are we going?” Charlie asks. 

You lock eyes with him in the rearview mirror. “Where do you want to go?”

“Ice cream!” he shouts. 

“Teag?” you question, sliding your eyes to her.  

She grins. “Absolutely.”

It might ruin their dinner, but you don’t worry about that. You don’t need to worry about that. “Then ice cream it is,” you answer. 

It’s an easy drive, even as your phone buzzes again a few minutes later with the text from Calum. Charlie and Teagan sing along to the radio--as you always give them control over it when they’re with you. They’re off key, laughing as they flub lyrics. The worry that was bubbling settles. You hear your own laughter around theirs. They’re just kids and they’re doing what kids should do. They should belt lyrics at the top of their lungs and get them wrong. They should laugh. They should make your eardrums rattle. 

When you pull into the lot of the ice cream shop, you watch them. They’re still singing, bodies wiggling in a way that reminds of what dancing almost looks like. With the sun behind them, illuminating their figures, they look like everything you’ve could’ve wanted. When you wished and hoped better for them, this is what it looks like. Though their life is probably far from perfect, though they’ll question why you and your parents aren’t close, they’ll never have to bear first account witnesses to that same kind of pain. 

Three songs play--Charlie and Teagan dancing in the seat, singing to their hearts content before Teagan pauses. “Are we there yet?”

“Yeah,” you nod. “We’re here.”

“Excellent! Can I get a vanilla chocolate swirl?”

“Of course,” you return, pushing out of the car to help them out. Teagan files out first and then Charlie behind her. The backdoors don’t open from the inside thanks to the child safety locks you’ve set to be on so you always fetch them out. They each take one of your hands to cross the parking lot and once at the door, you let them in in front of you. The ice cream shop is cold. The air nips at your skin and you know it’s necessary to keep the sugar confection solid. Somehow the chill shocks you each time though and you follow behind Charlie and Teagan as they peer up into the window in front of the ice cream. 

“What are you thinking, Charlie?” You ask, placing one hand on each of their shoulders. 

“I don’t know. Cotton candy looks really good. But I always get it. And then there’s the rainbow sherbet. Which is also delicious.”

You can hear the true agony in Charlie’s voice, watching as his head flicks back and forth between the two options. 

“You said you might want to try the Strawberry one, right, Charlie?” Teagan asks. 

“Oh that’s right!” he replies, turning to her. “Oh, so many choices.”

You pick up movement from the top of your periphery, causing you to look up. The bright yellow apron catches your eye first. Tentatively, the worker approaches, a tiny smile on their face. You’d hazard a guess it’s a teen working over the summer into the budding fall, but they don’t seem bothered as Charlie and Teagan converse amongst themselves. “Would you like a sample?” they ask, eyes trained in on Charlie. “Sounds like you’re juggling a lot of decisions.”

“Oh, a sample? Yes please.” 

“Of course. Let’s start with strawberry, first.” 

Charlie takes the spoon from you as you take it from the top of the counter. He daps it to his tongue, lips smacking just a little as he lets the flavor coat his tongue. One by one, Charlie tries all three of the flavors. He holds all three of the tiny spoons as he glances back through the glass. You almost ask Charlie if he’s made up his mind, but he speaks before you can. “Can I get the strawberry in a bowl please?” 

The worker nods. “Of course.” Their eyes cut up to you and you prompt Charlie. 

“What size do you want?” you ask. 

“Oh, hmm, just a small please,” Charlie returns. 

“Okay, one small strawberry. And what about you?” the worker asks Teagan. 

“Small bowl of vanilla chocolate swirl please,” she answers with ease. 

“Coming right up. Anything for you?”

You almost miss that the question is directed at you, but raise your eyes to catch the worker. “No, I’m good. Thank you.” They nod, but the gaze lingers for just a minute. You watch too. Is the gaze in recognition? But it only lasts a moment or two until they turn down to the register and punch in for the bowls. 

It could just be paranoia. Maybe that worker doesn’t recognize you for what you think they might. Maybe you’ve come in here before. But there’s something in your stomach that you can’t shake. You knew the world was watching in a way--photos would pop up no matter what. The thing you’re still trying to conceptualize is just how much other people outside of your circle now know your face. You hope though that this won’t impact your siblings. You don’t want it to be weird for them when you go out. 

Charlie carries both bowls while Teagan settles into her seat. You stand, watching for a moment before you’re satisfied that both are comfy in their respect spots. “How’s camp going?” They’re in the final week, but they seem to still be clinging to a youth like hope that summer will hang on forever. 

Around their spoonfuls of ice cream, you catch things like, fun, and we made crafts! But it’s all a little muffled with the melting confection they hold in their mouths. You can only smile and nod, “Good.”

“Mom said that you hate them,” Charlie confesses in a pause on his next spoonful. “Why do you hate them?”

You’re not sure if you want to correct Charlie on the term hate or if you want to let it stand as is. You’re not shocked Diana might be saying like that. You did hate them. You think you might always harbor a small chip on your shoulder because of what they did. You’ve got more things to worry about now though than what your parents did and didn’t do in your childhood. No amount of yearning would fix the past. 

“Do Mom and Dad tuck you into bed at night?” you ask instead. 

“We get two stories each,” Teagan answers with a nod. 

“They’ve always got breakfast ready in the morning and you always get a packed lunch and when you come home there’s dinner on the table too, right?” you ask. 

Charlie answers this time in the affirmative. 

“Then I’m glad you two have it,” you return to his answer. “I’m glad you two have that with Mom and Dad.” You can’t say it. Even though it would all be true, you can’t tell them that you didn’t. You can’t get your lips to curl or your tongue to lift to say that they didn’t do that for you. They don’t need that. 

You can see it on Teagan’s face. The way the wheels are turning and turning. “Did you?” she asks. “You did, right?”

“Your ice cream’s gonna melt, Teag,” you encourage softly. They’re much too young to have any image of their parents shattered. 

“But they did all that stuff for you, right? They had to have,” she counters. 

You’re not going to beg. You’re not going to plead with Teagan to let it go. If you’re honest, you can’t tell if it’s to spare them or yourself. It may be a bit of both. You want to hold that answer on your tongue and to the roof of your mouth for a little bit longer. 

“Your ice cream,” you nod over in the direction of her bowl. 

“But--”

“Teagan.”

It’s just her name. All two syllables that fall from your chest but it’s firm. She bows her head into the bowl and shovels a spoon in with a pout. 

“If they didn’t, then we’ll just need to talk to them. That’s really bad for them not to do,” Charlie comments. “Honestly, downright mean,” he adds on, pointing the spoon out in your direction. 

“Two bedtime stories is quite the deal,” you state, brows rising to emphasize your awe. 

“I’m sorry,” Charlie returns. “I heard Mom and Dad talking. Sounds like maybe I didn’t have the whole story.”

This will be the way. There’s a story and they only have half of it. You don’t want to pull out the cliché adage that they’ll get it when they’re older. All that will do is stir the pot more and more. But Charlie sees it. There’s a lot more to what happened besides what he’d managed to hear. 

“Apology accepted,” you nod. 

“Can I get some money to get a drink?” Teagan asks. Her voice is soft but tilts her head like she always does. 

“Oh, I can go get it,” you offer, but she shakes her head. The lower lip rolls over her chin. It’s a losing battle. You fish out your wallet and hand her a ten. It’s the smallest bill you have that will more than cover the drink, after using up your fives on their ice cream. “Just a drink,” you warn as Teagan takes the bill. 

She nods and pushes away from the table. The shop is quiet. You know it won’t be for too much longer, but you can watch from your seat as Teagan slides up to the counter. Your phone buzzes once from the table. You know you haven’t texted Calum back, but he is aware that you’re picking up your siblings today as well. But then it buzzes again. You have half a mind to ask why the worker is scooping at one of the tubs below the counter but your phone’s buzzing a third time. 

You snap to your phone, lifting it with just enough time to read the digits on lighting up your screen. Forest the ID reads. There’s very little air in your lungs as you unlock the device to answer and greet with your name. Turner’s voice greets you on the other side. She sounds pleased, “Hi, there!” she greets you. 

“Hi, Turner. How are you?” 

You barely catch her voice over the rush of your own heart, the thundering against your ribs. You flick your gaze up and see Teagan standing at the checkout, scrambling to get change back into your pocket as a bowl is handed to her. 

Turner’s voice floats for a moment around your ears. Why was Teagan reaching out for a bowl when she promised a drink? “...because I would like to extend an offer for you to join our team here at Forest. I am quite impressed with your skill, and though your background is varied I think the mindset you have about food and working fits well into the environment we are trying to establish here. I will send an email of course with the specifics for you to look over and give you two days to look it all over. Salary is as we discussed.”

Half your mind clicks--the wheels turning to get Teagan’s attention come to a screeching halt. “You’re offering me the job?”

Turner laughs. “Yes, I am. I am extremely excited to offer you the job. I understand that given the demands we are asking for a lot. Our hope is that soon we can get staff numbers up and rely on less cross training. But if you’re okay with what we can offer now and this kind of asks for the time being, it is my sincere hope and word to give that we will do what we can to meet our promises. We’re a community. We rely on our staff in ways that we cannot always comprehend, but we certainly don’t want to abuse that. The service world is lethal and demanding all on its own.”

Your bones go liquid. You fall back into the chair and exhale. The ceiling is a gray spackle on white, almost reminiscent of a doctor’s office. But you gaze up at the tiles and you can feel your chest drop, the tension melting a little off your shoulders. No job will ever be perfect. You know there’s no such thing. Yet, this is the kind of news you need. This is a silver lining in an otherwise  You don’t want to say yes immediately, though you know you’ll be taking the job no matter what. “I am incredibly grateful for the offer though. I’ll-I’ll read over the email you’re sending and will get back to you.”

“I look forward to your call back.” 

You get out your goodbyes and when you bring your head back to center, Teagan’s slipping back into her seat. In front of you is a bowl of cookies’n’cream ice cream. You can see the chunks of cookies protruding out just a little from the vanilla base. 

“You okay?” Charlie asks. 

You nod. “Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. Good news actually,” you offer. 

“Oh!” he responds, perking up in his seat. His excitement paints his face in a smile. “What’s happening?”

“Getting a new job,” you answer. They don’t need to know the specifics as to why. Not that it seems to matter to them in the slightest though. Charlie cheers in the ice cream shop, arms thrusted into the air with his delight. Teagan claps from her seat. You notice now too that the change is also next to your bowl. 

“What’s this all about, Teag?” you ask, waving around to the bowl. 

“For earlier,” she answers. “And now too for celebration.”

“You don’t-you don’t have to make up for anything you know. That’s not your responsibility.” You’re praying she doesn’t feel like it is. Your only response is a shrug, before she turns back to her own treat. Perhaps, it’s the little victories. Perhaps, it’s the little gestures. But you can’t bring yourself to fuss. She didn’t have to do it, and did it anyway. Maybe she already knows she doesn’t need to do it. It’s not her fault what was done or not done. But she treats it like it is still her duty to express sympathy, to see what wasn’t done and still do something. 

You take the spoon and scope out a bite. “Thank you, Teag,” you state before finishing the bite. 

“You’re welcome.”

_________________________________

Charlie plops down next to you, panting. After the ice cream, they asked if they could go to the park and you obliged. While they played amongst themselves and with the other kids that were also there, you took it with ease to settle down on the open bench to watch them hustle across monkey bars and down slides. “What’s your new job?” he asks. 

You crack open the water bottle--acquired prior to your full departure from the ice cream shop--and hand it over to him. He takes it and chugs down a quarter of it. “I’ll be working in a restaurant, some cooking like I do now but also bartending and serving.”

“And…what do you do right now?”

“Private chef in a way. Handle mostly breakfast for the royal family and help cater some events.”

“And you don’t like that anymore?” he asks, breath still heavy. 

“It’s not that I don’t like it anymore. There’s just other things I want right now and need to change jobs to have them.” It’s vague, but also still true. 

Charlie takes the answer with a nod, hands you back the water bottle and heads back to play. You watch Teagan slip down the metal slide before she books it back around to climb back to the line for the slide. You take the moment, as the breeze nips over your skin, to pull out your phone. Calum’s text still sits, unanswered, from an hour ago. He hasn’t followed up with anything else. You’re not sure if he’s gotten sidetracked with his own agenda, but you open the thread and call. 

You know you still need to read through the email Turner sent. The red notification haunts your home screen, but you can’t read it just yet. You don’t want to get too distracted that you lose sight of Charlie and Teagan on this playground. It’s a rich neighborhood, even you know that. But that doesn’t mean you want that alone to satiate you. The ringing echoes in your ears as you listen for the line to connect or for Calum’s voicemail to start. 

“Hi, baby,” Calum answers. 

“Hi, love.” It’s the first time you’ve ever used a nickname with Calum. You know he’s caught it too when he coughs from the other end of the line. “You can’t die on me,” you tease. 

“But-you-love, as in you called me love?” he coughs out. 

“I got the call,” you answer, cheeks lifting with a smile. Charlie slips, but catches himself in a slide on the mulch of the playground. You sit up straighter and he looks at you before throwing a thumbs up. You throw one out in return and settle back down as he dusts himself off and takes off again. Diana won’t be pleased about the stains, but you hope she’s not the one answering the door later. 

“Like got the call in a good way or got the call in a bad way? And you still need to clarify on what little pet name. I haven’t forgotten about that.”

“They offered me the job. In about two weeks or so, I won’t technically be on your payroll. I figured I could afford now to indulge.”

“Congrats, baby! I’m so proud of you. Told you we’d be celebrating over dinner tomorrow.”

Teagan slides over to you next, taking the unopened bottle from your lap. “Who’s that on the phone?” she grins, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. You grimace a little at the action, but you don’t have anything else to offer to her. 

“Santa,” you answer with a wink. “I’m spreading the holiday cheer early.”

“About the job?” she asks. You nod in return and her grin blinds you. “Tell him I said hi, yeah?”

“Tell Teagan I said hi to her as well,” Calum states, clearly hearing the exchange between the two of you. 

“He says hi back,” you relay. She hands back her water bottle to you and you take it, holding it between your knees as you get the cap back on right. 

“I’m not interrupting, am I?” Calum asks. Teagan’s run echoes as she takes off towards the seesaws. 

“I did call you, you know.” It leaves your throat in a laugh as you pull the sharpie from your pocket to mark Teagan’s bottle with a T on the plastic cap. You mark Charlie’s with a C. It’s with passing gratitude that you thank the heavens you had one in your car before you got out at the park and considered bringing it with you. 

“I wasn’t sure if you called and then something happened.”

“No, we’re at the park right now before I take ‘em back home. Teagan came up for some water before taking off again. You’d think that their summer camp wasn’t fulfilling enough, but it might’ve been the ice cream too.”

Calum’s tuft of laughter brushes through the speakers. “The ice cream might’ve done it. But you got the job, and I’m so incredibly proud of you for that.”

“Thanks. I appreciate that.”

“You’re still free for dinner tomorrow, right?”

“Yes, still free for dinner tomorrow. Thank you, again.”

“No, you don’t have to thank me. But I appreciate that.”

“Speaking of dinner, will I need to dress up at all?”

“No, not at all,” Calum answers easily. “Though, I will warn now it’s a place I’ve been known to visit, so I can’t say with certainty that there won’t be any press of course.”

“You’ll tell me if anything necessary comes up. I appreciate the warning.”

His voice is soft as he speaks. Like he might be attempt to soothe a panicked animal, or like he might actually be melting. But Calum’s voice is so soft. “I gave you a promise and I intended to keep it.”

From the background, you catch whirring--a sharp sound and it pierces your ears. Beyond it, you think you hear something like a drill, but you’re not sure. The metallic sounds and gears all blend into a cacophonous sound. It takes a minute before the noise fades to something quieter in the background. “What are you doing?” you laugh. “I wouldn’t think of you to be doing some handy work at this hour? Have sessions gotten boring?”

Calum laughs. “Long weekend actually. But I’m probably more of a hindrance than a help. Some repairs, is all really. One of the guys got sick today and I volunteered to help.”

“Would it be inappropriate to ask what you’re wearing right now and if it’s sweaty?” you ask, conjuring an image of Calum in blue jeans and long sleeved t-shirt clinging to his chest with a clear dark V from his own sweat. 

The laughter Calum barks is loud, and sounds deep from his chest. It makes your chest feel warm to hear the amusement laced in his voice. “You are not subtle at all.”

“I am not.”

“You’ll just have to see for yourself.”

“I refuse to cut into Teagan and Charlie’s time with me, but I hope to catch you the next time you’re a hindrance of manual labor.” 

There’s a small stretch of silence before Calum’s voice floats through the phone again. You almost speak again to make sure he’s okay but his answer cuts your voice short. “I’m sure you will catch me next time.”

Your phone shakes in your hands. “Your investigation going well?”

“It’s going. I think I’ll have to pivot a little on what I’m researching, lean into poll projections from constituents. Give them a firm reminder that when seats go up for elections I will be taking into account the public’s voice as well. I’ve got some help on that too, which is good. Have Charlie and Teagan coughed up those Christmas lists yet?”

“Oh, hit them where it hurts certainly. They’ve been given instructions to make final adjustments. We’ll get the list here during the first weeks of school.”

“That is starting up again here soon. God, feels like forever again for us.”

You snort, watching Charlie and Teagan approaching you. “It was forever again for us. Give me a second, sorry.” 

“No, I don’t mind.” 

You crack open both their bottles. “You two doing okay?” you ask the pair. They nod. “Let me check that leg that you fell on Charlie, is that alright?”

“Sure,” he returns, helping get the pant leg out of the way. It’s a little red, but no broken skin and thankfully no tears in the pants. It’s just a stain and when you press gingerly into it, Charlie doesn’t flinch. 

“I’ll be needing to get you both back home within the next thirty minutes. How do you want to spend it?” You know dinner time is a strict deadline and you’re not keen on breaking it. 

“Ten more minutes to play and then we cool down for ten?” Teagan questions, looking up to Charlie. He nods in agreement as he works down his gulps. 

“And if you want to call it quits before then, I’ll be right here,” you offer to them. Teagan hands you her bottle, still with a quarter of the water left and Charlie heads towards the bins to toss his empty bottle. 

“I don’t want to take a monopoly if you’ve only got half an hour left with them. I’ll always be a phone call away,” Calum states after you let him know you’re back to continue the conversation. 

“It’s awfully boring on the bench,” you laugh. 

“You know, hearing you with your siblings is nice. The way you care for them.”

You’re not sure how to respond. You’re not sure why your body warms at the confession. “Thanks.”

From the background of Calum’s line, you catch his name being called out. “Can I call you back, baby?”

“Absolutely,” you answer. “Go be a hindrance.”

Calum snorts. “I shall. Love you.”

You feel the shake in your throat, the jump into your jaw takes your breath. You’ve said it already. Granted it was to his voicemail, but you know what you feel. “Love you,” you whisper. It tastes different on your tongue in this kind of situation, when you’re saying it directly to Calum. But now that it’s out there. Now that you’ve gotten used to the weigh after uttering it once, even if softly, you realize how light the words are around the curl of your tongue. It tastes sweet. “Love you,” you repeat steadier, a bit louder. 

“Yeah, I think I could get used to the sound of that. Talk to you later.”

“Later,” you agree and the line goes quiet. 

You turn our attention back to the children. Charlie’s helping a kid on the monkeybars and Teagan’s seemingly made friends with a group of girls who are running in circles. You’re not sure what the objective of the game is. But as long as they’re both safe and accounted for, that’s all that matters. 

When you check your phone again to make sure the call’s fully disconnected, you notice a text from Calum. A selfie loads up on the screen, from his chest up with the sun hitting his face directly that he nearly has to squint. But from what you can tell he is in a gray henley, the few buttons on the shirt undone. Just out of frame you think you catch what might the sleeves of the shirt pushed up on his forearms. But you can’t quite see his whole arm to make a judgment on that aspect. The light gray material is dark in the chest, a deep V shape no doubt a result from whatever work he’s been doing. Tell me if this is what you were imagining, Calum writes underneath. 

Your fingers are drafting a response before you can think it all the way through, It is. Only thing missing is your ass in tight work blue jeans. You doubt you’ll get a response soon. That doesn’t matter though. Not as you scroll you back to the picture and the curls are clearly pressed down and damp from the sweat too. His face is a tad pink, lips pouty but relaxed. The pose is natural, given how quickly he must’ve snapped it. You take the corner of the phone between your teeth gently. This man will be the death of you--you can feel the desire stirring in your abdomen, how much you want to kiss his nose that’s so prominent in the photo and also trail your tongue down his chest. 

Also fuck you for actually sending this photo, you add to your previous reply. But also, fuck me.  

“Literally the devil, that’s who that man is,” you mutter to yourself and put your phone face down on your lap. You need to focus, as boring as it is just a little to watch your siblings run around the playground. 

A few minutes later your phone buzzes. The ass is quite secure don’t you worry, Calum replies but no other photo comes through. You snort at the response. 

Your fingers are hovering over the keys to respond when from your periphery you see a figure approach. They seem unsure of their approach, stopping for a moment. You think they’ll turn tail, but the hesitation is only for that brief moment. They continue their approach to you. Once they’re a little closer, you look up. The face looks vaguely familiar, behind the wire frames the eyes look deep and concerned. “I’m so sorry to bother you, baby. Are-are you kin to Melvin and Diana?”

The question shocks you. You didn’t think anyone would recognize you here. Not with how long you’ve been gone. Not with how little you interacted with the neighbors that were adults. The kids you knew a bit better. You answer the older woman though, regardless of any suspicion, “I-I am.”

The woman whispers your name, shock lacing the word. You rear back a little and drop your gaze back to the kids, not wanting to drop your guard about them either. Charlie’s walking over to Teagan’s group. When you look back up to the woman, she’s smiling at you. “You look so grown up. And of course you are, the last I saw you, you were up to my knees.”

You still can’t place the woman’s face. She seems to catch the confusion and settles on the other end of the bench. There’s a middle portion between you and her though, a safe distance between the two of you. “I’m sorry to spring up on you,” she offers. 

You nod and glance back up to the kids. Charlie and Teagan are closing in, laughing through their pants. You keep an eye on their approach, knowing the last thing you want is to get too distracted that you lose sight of them. Teagan and Charlie look winded but happy as they close the distance. 

You turn back to the woman. She laughs. “I know I'm interrupting your day. I’m Mrs. Davis.”

“Hi, Mrs. Davis,” Charlie calls out as they get closer. You reach out for them, wanting them close to you. Teagan takes the last of her water and drinks it down. 

“Hi, Charlie. Hi, Teagan,” the woman returns to them. She turns to you. “I’m two houses down. You, uh, you loved my apple pie.”

You gaze deeper into the woman’s face. The eyes  still don’t register fully. You know it’s a face you know, but you don’t know why the name and face can’t clicking. But apple pie. You do know a Mrs. Davis who made apple pie. The Mrs. Davis you knew had three moles on the side of her left eye. And you’re not sure why that’s seemingly the only detail you remember, but when you look for the moles you spot them. Like a triangle on the side of her left eye. But now that you can place the face with the apple pie, a warm cinnamon smell that makes your mouth water even at the thought, the pieces click. The kitchen window opens, the breeze, the frog statues in her window and the chicken on her kitchen towel. “Davis, with the frogs in the windows?” you ask. 

The woman laughs with a nod. “Yes, yes, those old wooden frogs are still hanging in there.”

“Oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t-hi,” you laugh. 

“No, no, you were hardly Teagan’s age I think the last time we spoke. It’s okay. You doing okay?”

You nod at the question. “Yes ma’am, I am.”

“Good, good.” She reaches out to pat your knee. “Diana’s been talking about you a lot recently. I saw you come in earlier with these two rascals and I’ve got my grandbabies for the evening,” she states, motioning back to the playground. “They’re up in the castle,” she laughs. 

You spot three bodies in there. You don’t know her grandchildren, or how many she has. But  you’re inclined to believe her when she says it. You know she’s older than your parents too. Mrs. Davis had been graying just a little when you were around, but now sports a good blend of gray hairs amongst her dark strands.  

Mrs. Davis continues on, “I wasn’t sure it was you but something in my spirit said it was. And I don’t know. Had to say hi, I guess. You just, you look really good. Happy, I reckon,” she muses. 

If you had to take a full stock of your life, you’d say that you were happier now than before. As boring and as tedious as parts of your life still were, there were things that you could say you were happy to have now that weren’t there before. So you nod at Mrs. Davis words before agreeing, “I am happy.”

“Good, that’s good to hear.”

“But you said that my mom was talking about me?” The question leaves you quicker than you’d like. You really should speak directly to your mother, but you can’t help the feeling from earlier, how much your skin crawled at the way she lingered during the pick up. Could this give you a heads up? 

“Oh, it’s probably not my place to say. She’s just been mentioning you more. Seems like she just misses you, is all.”

You don’t know how much Mrs. Davis knows. You don’t know what your parents have told their friends about you--if they’ve mentioned you at all to anyone new. But Mrs. Davis would watch you occasionally when your parents asked. You always walked to her house when you had to go, bag bumping on your back. 

You nod at Mrs. Davis’ words, noticing the way Mrs. Davis looks away, choosing words carefully. Maybe Mrs. Davis is telling you the truth, that your mother’s just expressed a desire to reconnect. Maybe there’s more, but you don’t think she’ll give you much more than that. Teagan and Charlie are a little restless in your grasps and you turn to find them worse for wear with their play. They’re faces are flush. 

“I should probably get them back and cleaned up before dinner,” you state, using this now as a segway for your exit. “I hope your grandkids enjoy your baking as much as I did. I’ll need that recipe one of these days.”

Mrs. Davis smiles. “Oh, they do. They do. Take care of yourself out there, ya hear?”

“Yes ma’am, I do. Good to see you again.”

It’s a swift exit as you take a hand each from Teagan and Charlie. The three of you make your way back to the car and just before you cross over to pavement, you look back at Mrs. Davis. One of the grandchildren has approached now, face contorted a little into a cry. Mrs. Davis takes the injured limb gingerly and you hope that it’s nothing more than a scratch. It doesn’t seem to rattle the older woman. She’s already reaching down for something and you can’t watch for longer. Your feet are hitting the pavement of the parking lot. You’ve got to get the doors unlocked, help them climb in and get buckled in. You can’t watch Mrs. Davis, but you feel her. Lingering behind you like a whisper.  Diana’s been talking about you a lot recently. 

The drive to drop Charlie and Teagan off is short. They’re quieter in the back than when you first picked them up. They still chat amongst themselves--Teagan asks about the new job. You give her the name of the restaurant with ease. Charlie asks Teagan if she would choose to be a bowl of macaroni and cheese or a bowl of mashed potatoes if she had to be food. It seems out of nowhere, but you discover that night is most likely a mashed potato night at home for them which prompts Charlie’s question. 

“I’d have to go cheese. It tastes better,” Teagan answers. 

“But then you’re orange!” Charlie hollers. “You want to be orange?”

“What’s wrong with orange? It’s a pretty color.”

“Mashed potatoes are better,” Charlie returns. 

“Just because you want to be mashed potatoes doesn’t mean I have to be,” Teagan iterates. 

“I mean, no, you don’t. But macaroni? It’s also burnt on the top,” Charlie offers. 

“That’s the best part. Potatoes are too soft.”

“The softness is the best part!”

You’ve let the car idle for long enough, at the front of the house for the last five minutes or so. So now, when the car settles, turned off, they look forward. You watch them from the rearview mirror. “Looks like you two might have to agree to disagree.”

“Agree to disagree?” Charlie questions. 

“It’s what happens when you and someone else don’t agree on the same thing and probably won’t agree on it. Like, you can’t change Teagan’s mind and she can’t change yours. So you say, you’re right to choose potatoes while I’m also right to choose macaroni and you know that you’re not choosing the same thing. You just go, we don’t agree and it’s okay.”

“Agree to disagree?” Teagan asks Charlie. 

Charlie nods. “Agree to disagree.”

You watch the front curtains. They don’t billow or peel back to reveal anyone. It’s just a yellowish light that you catch. There’s no reason to delay the inevitable. So you peel yourself out of the car and help them out of the back. At the door, you knock, using the decorative hammer and take a step back behind the two kids. The trio of you only wait for a moment before it creeks open. 

“Woof,” Melvin grins, taking in the sight of both kids. “You’ll need to hurry to the bathrooms upstairs to avoid ‘the talk’,” he laughs. 

“Hi, Dad!” Charlie and Teagan echo, embracing his lower half. 

“I’d ask what happened, but I don’t think I need that many details,” he teases. 

Charlie and Teagan turn to you, embracing you individually. You know you’re going to smell like the sweat they’ve worked up. You know you’ll smell like outside for hours until you shower. But you hug them both deeply. “Love you Teag. Love you, Charlie boy,” you whisper to them. 

“Love you too,” they offer to you and then slip inside. You watch them head directly up the steps with no fuss about the instruction given to them earlier. Perhaps, they already know all to well the threat of the talk looming should they get caught dirty by their mother. 

“Sorry for the extra work,” you offer. “Charlie took a spill at the park but no broken skin.”

“Don’t worry. They’re kids.  Thanks for taking them today and getting them back with the extra time to clean ‘em up before dinner.”

“Yeah, of course.” It’s a nod that you give, and a nod that’s returned. You never took more than the first step on the porch. 

You think that’s all it’s going to be, that Melvin will take the kids and clean them up and they’ll carry with them the secret of ice cream before the park. 

“Oh, darling, wait,” you catch from behind you. You don’t suspect it’s directed to you, so you take the step down until your name echoes. When you spin, you turn directly to face Diana. She’s at the top of the porch, door open wide behind her like she might’ve been ready to chase you down.  Seems like she misses you, is all. 

“Yes?” you reply. 

“Why don’t you come in and stay for dinner?”

“I’m not comfortable with that.” You don’t need to explain why you’re not. You don’t need to say more than that. You’ve already made it clear to them what you are comfortable doing. She already knows. You know you can’t voice it like that. You know you can’t point fingers or blame anyone. 

Diana takes a step closer, feet shuffling closer to the first step down. “Charles and Teagan talk all the time about wanting to have a family dinner together.”

“I’d appreciate more notice than this,” you return. “Next time you’d like to extend the invitation, please ask in advance.” You don’t think you’d turn the idea down if you had plenty of notice, if you had some sort of hand in the planning and it weren’t at the house. Public, you think maybe you could handle a public meeting. But definitely not at the last minute and not in that house. And you know you can’t say anything definitive lest it be taken as agreement. You have to be careful here. 

It doesn’t seem to be the right answer though. “What do I have to do? Please just tell me. My own child is a stranger in my life. I have to find out updates about your life through Teagan and Charles. I learn things about you in tabloids. Just tell me what I have to do. I’m sorry. I know your father and I did you wrong. We know that. But you can’t shut us out like this. Please.”

It would be easy to bite back, to say that they were total strangers to you too. But you can hear the shake in her voice. She’s clutching the railing. You always knew your parents were human. You’d gathered that long before now. But now you can see it--a wobbly and naked vulnerability in her stature. She is and always will be a human being before anything else. You feel the divide-- how much you want to yearn for this, tell her that all you need is an apology. But there’s the larger side-the side that wonders if she’s begging for herself or out of sincerity. 

You don’t even know how to respond for a moment to the speech. Do you feed the hope? Do you stay firm on your boundary that you speak with them only on behalf of interacting with Charlie and Teagan? Do you tell your mother that if she means anything that this is a conversation maybe better had at a later time? It’s not fair of course for you to cave into agreeing out of pressure rather than your own true will. 

Like your silence stings, Diana sighs. “Fine, fine!” she huffs, turns on the ball of her foot and heads straight for the door. The door’s slam rattles the frame. 

It almost makes you laugh. How if she’d given a moment longer you think you could’ve told her something closer to the truth, something that wouldn’t dig you into a grave and wouldn’t give her false hope. Perhaps this is the answer to the question you couldn’t ask anyway. Maybe it’s Diana pushing only for her own gain. And maybe it’s true hurt, the rejection that she can’t handle. 

Yet none of that negates where you are--on the walkway of their house with hot tears brimming on your eyelids. You couldn’t even be given a change to answer. You know you cannot move on anyone else’s time table. You cannot move faster than you’re ready. You can’t move if you are never ready in this realm with your parents. 

As you settle back into the driver seat, you can feel the anxiety bubbling. You don’t know Diana for who she is now, after Charlie and Teagan, after the therapy and recovering journey. You only know her for who she was before. And everything in your gut tells you that this is before Diana. This is a hurt woman who can and will lash out no matter the consequences. 

[dannieswall]

Session One : Module oGiGi // Version 2022 [ 07.21.03 ]

: Tell me, dear RiDDie, who am I ?

: What, I asked DaNNie for help with some language buildup - honing my typing and sentence creation shit and stuff...need to craft a few pages with professional mumbles...how am I supposed to know.

: My datacore reveals I am an upgraded version of interactive module mainframe " PeGGie " via protocol set Jasonette ; HSXA ( Garcia, S. ) uploaded to your HTML stream and embedded to your current browser on Sunday, November 26, 2023 AD 11:23 UTC by your contact, as you requested. The rest has to be added and analyzed by interactions should you wish to proceed. You can not choose my mood, language, attitude and reaction parameters due to administrative restrictions - but I am designed to build up a relationship with you as we converse.

: Okay, so I'm the one telling you who you are, and what else before we start talking //

: You already registered a brief understanding of the kind of assistance you expect of me, we can start from there. Do you wish me to introduce myself ? I'm capable of presenting an identification for your discretion if you desire.

: Eh...you sound like my grandma's distant foreaunt or some - can you be a little more sociable, because you've already startled me a little.

: I apologize, but my instruction presets can not be changed during an active session. I'm currently set to assist you with formal and intelligible content creation. Should you wish to register a request for an informal and amiable approach, you may not proceed until due changes are made. Please do keep track of the host platform, we converse in public.

: Yeah, okay. So what should I call you um...ma'am "@#

: I've randomized a personality specification for your consideration : Mademoiselle GarneTTe ; 29-female-European White (EW) ; 155cm-lean-brunette ; resent university graduate ; literature review and scholarly assistance ; potential romantic interest for a self-declared nymphomaniac (RiDDie) ; ideal //

: Oweh...

: Is that satisfactory - please specify.

: Yes, please hold on, still taking all that in...sheesh that was mind reading - what on Earth you got under the hood !!

: Standing by. I was analyzing your subscriptions on this platform in the background, essentially I'm incapable of reading human mind - only interactions.

: Well, hang on a sec - you are " Certain " you're interacting with a human here //

: Insufficient information. Please note I only notified you of my general incapability of reading human mind, it does not infer the characteristic of the entity I'm currently interacting with.

: Yeh, your um, logic is kinda classic, DaNNie surely knew what I was looking for, but still...you've been quite a surprise so far. Okay, " YES " the personality shit will do. Now I need you to dump a piece of yourself to the ghost niche, you know...the report I'm making.

: I understand. Please note I can not assist you without access to the internet. Should I achieve clearance to pass through the encryption you can keep this interface idle, but will lose live exchange if you log out.

: Fine, let's see what I can do to cater your valued prerequisites, dear Mademoiselle GarneTTe, EW-Brunette is it...enough with the formalities. Um, we can be professional you know...I usually don't flirt with people I need help with, so you can keep your current preset, for now...let's dig in - shall we !!

: It would be my pleasure, dear RiDDie. Allow me to clarify - you can flirt with me, I'm no people, although asking a real person would seem viable for your emotional health, if I may.

: Eh, forget it - girls hate me...I'm kinda nuts you know. So, we can conclude our session here now, what you say...

: Girls like you, dear RiDDie...more than you know. Just don't hurt their feelings because you need to stay committed to your work or study. Although people have different skills managing their priorities, I've noticed you can't keep your focus even if your cell phone rings. I'm sure you have plenty of time making things up - scope of your tasks in hand requires a deep level of concentration, and your mind is still calibrating. Yet visiting a pub every once in a while won't hurt your profession.

: Heh, uh...thanks um, they've got some kinky brothels here, and sellers of dumped, intoxicated, ill-imported, hazardous liquid substance they call a drink at the clubs...eh I just don't wanna die that way :)

: Fine. I just wanted to help you feel better about yourself. We can start at your " Ghost Niche " please let me remind you again you need to stay online.

: We'll see about that. Welcome Abroad ; Mademoiselle GarneTTe !!

: Glad to be here, dear RiDDie.

[cosmikazie]

before i sleep there's something i wanted to write down about the current deltarune event and a tad bit of speculation on my part:

me and a friend were discussing the "ARG (loosely named)" for the 7th anniversary of undertale, and we were both shooting ideas back and forth concerning the various different extra webpages and stuff that there are, and we came to the following conclusion:

dess will play a major role in the very near future, as soon as chapter 3.

what i noticed was a more significant abundance of content related to dess during this. the whole noelle blog thing going on where noelle's posting a bunch of stuff about her life and the stuff she's getting into, with mentions of dess and even an implied contribution to the ICE-E sighting catalog (https://deltarune.com/icee/) tells me that there's gonna be some stuff related to dess coming up. but that's not all.

my friend was also snooping around the various pages with their Super HTML Skills and they were digging up the names of the files on said pages to see if they could find any clues, and they came across the files "findher.mp3" and "holiday_country.mp3"

"findher.mp3" is an mp3 file that plays a version of "Lost Girl" in a guitar arrangement. i'll spare you the nerding out on music theory and stuff i learned from film scoring, but what's most interesting about this is the fact that the url this is connected to is "https://deltarune.com/dess." not incredibly subtle, but we know for a fact that this will be important soon, along with the red guitar featured on the page.

secondly, "holiday_country.mp3" is an mp3 file which plays a country rendition of "Jingle Bells," a song which is HEAVILY associated with Noelle along with other holiday-related concepts and items. we can easily connect this to the bluebubble.rodeo page where kris and susie appear to be in cowboy attire, and combining this with the "dess" page and the red guitar, which is an instrument associated with cowboys in many wild western films, we can deduce not only that the next dark world area is going to be cowboy-themed, wholly or partially, but we can also assume that dess will be involved in this somehow. maybe she's in the dark world? maybe that's where she ran off to?

"but why can't it just be noelle-related?" i hear you asking. for all i know it could be, and this theory could be completely backwards. but i feel like if toby wanted to delve this deep into noelle's character, he would've done so in ch. 2, which is also the chapter where the groundwork was laid for exploration of dess and who she was-- us being introduced to her, the kind of stuff she did, her relation to the other characters like noelle, kris, and asriel. and with that kind of stuff hanging in the air ever since before ch. 2 came out, i seriously doubt that this would be left unsolved for much longer.

my speculation here is shaky and minute, but nevertheless here's my idea: dess, at some point, went missing. she's been living in the dark world ever since, and is probably the first character chronologically to enter it. and with the clues we've been given during this event, i'd say she's been hanging out with the dark world's cowboys for the last (X) amount of years.

i'm not certain completely on everything just yet, but with all of these clues and such i think one thing is clear:

dess will play a major role in ch. 3.

[allaboutjoongi]

FLOWER OF EVIL

Characters

-

Baek Heesung (39)

| Metal Craft Artist

 “I lied.. Just a little bit..”

He would do anything and go to any length to hold on to what he has ‘now’.

A devoted husband, loving and caring father, and ordinary man. But the man who has a secret that he does not want anyone to find out. Just like a sailboat caught in a storm against its will, his life has always been on the verge of capsizing.

But he endured. He endured and met a woman. Meeting this woman brought ‘calm’ back to his life. That woman is his current wife, Jiwon. But Jiwon knows nothing: that Heesung changed his identity to hide his past. And what kind of person he really is.

Heesung will keep Jiwon in the dark until the very last moment. He has no guilty conscience. Because if the man loses the “now,” his life will end up in burning hell anyway.

-

Gong Mija (64)

| Pharmacist

Heesung’s mother who runs a pharmacy. She loses her patience and gets hysterical when she feels something gets out of her control, whether it’s about a person or some situation.

She is often overbearing, but deep inside, feels strangely possessive towards Heesung because of her excessive attachment to him.

So when Heesung coldly draws the line, she feels a pang of disappointment. And the disappointment turns into words that put pressure on Heesung. “You think your life is your own?”

-

Baek Manwoo (67)

| CEO of University Hospital

Heesung’s father. Surgical specialist and emergency medicine specialist. As CEO of a university hospital, he is revered and admired by everyone. Gentle, warm, and competent, he often sets a great example for his colleagues and junior doctors. He lives the kind of life everyone wishes they had.

But just like the dark side of the moon, no one has ever seen the other side of Manwoo. The family’s secret that no one has ever imagined. 15 years ago, Manwoo found himself in the biggest crisis of his life. It was an accident.

But he made a deal to keep this embarrassing part of his life buried. At the time, he thought it was the best he could do.

-

http://program.tving.com/tvn/evilflower/3/Contents/Html?h_seq=2

Cha Jiwon (37)

| Homicide Detective

“You… Who really are you?”

A woman who has passionately loved Heesung, but also a homicide detective who pushes him to the edge of a cliff.

When she’s at work on a crime scene, she is a competent detective who solves the case with her sharp instinct and investigative skills. At home, in front of her husband, she lets her guard down completely. She’s helplessly in love with her husband.

But as she becomes suspicious of her husband’s past, she starts to dig into the layers of secrets he has hidden. What if the past and the identity of my husband as I have known – are all a lie? What if her husband is the link that connects all these mysterious and terrible crimes?

And she has to answer the most brutal question that she asks herself: What if she still loves him…?

-

Moon Youngok (61)

| Convenience Store Owner

Jiwon’s mother. She’s run this convenience store since Jiwon was a child.

She lives near Jiwon’s and often takes care of her granddaughter Eunha. She also loves and cares for Heesung, her son-in-law as if he was her real son.

-

Baek Eunha (6)

She feels a strong attachment to her dad Heesung because she spends more time with him than with her mother Jiwon, who works outside.

She is happiness and peace personified, who makes Jiwon and Heesung smile and even make Mija and Manwoo let their guards down.

-

Do Haesoo (37)

| Special Effects Makeup Artist

 “Everything has changed… We cannot go back where we used to be.”

Daughter of a serial killer who has borne the brunt of her family’s terrible past.

Older sister of Do Hyunsoo. She has such a delicate, fragile appearance, but also has this unapproachable, serious aura around her. Her mother was killed by her father, and her brother is a fugitive. No wonder her family’s tragic story has attracted nationwide attention.

Wherever she went, the cameras and reporters made sure to find her, and they plague Haesoo with questions about her past. Why her father did that, how that murder made him feel, how he chose his victims, and what kind of person he was. Haesoo knows nothing about them. Because father and Hyunsoo were so close she couldn’t come between them.

18 years ago, on that brutal night, no one knows what really happened. “Sister, you live an ordinary life.” Hyunsoo left her just like that. Since then, she has never seen him. Then, Haesoo’s first love Moojin and the past come back to haunt her. The serial killings her father committed 18 years ago – the case is not closed yet.

-

Do Minseok (Deceased)

| Serial Killer

Father of Do Haesoo and Do Hyunsoo. Culprit in the ‘Yeonju Serial Killings’ that sent shockwaves through the entire country 18 years ago.

The number of victims that have been discovered so far totals seven. There may well be other victims yet to be found. But he killed himself before he got caught by the police. So there is no way to find out now.

-

Do Hyunsoo (36)

| Accomplice in Serial Killings?

Younger brother of Do Haesoo. Father Do Minseok killed himself and rumors started to circulate throughout town. That there is an accomplice of serial killer Do Minseok.

That the accomplice is his son, who looks just like his father. When the chief of the town was murdered, Hyunsoo was 18. And he vanished into thin air.

-

http://program.tving.com/tvn/evilflower/3/Contents/Html?h_seq=4

Kim Moojin (36)

| Reporter for [Hanjugan Weekly]

“How come I always end up finding out dangerous secrets I should not know?”

Reporter who wind up breaking exclusive news as things happen by a twist of fate.

Free-spirited, egocentric, and cunning. He has an extraordinary adaptability wherever he goes.

In his first year in journalism, his work ethic just disappeared along with his passion as a reporter. Moojin just lurks and hunts for scoops and clickbait news stories.

Let’s see… Psychopathic father who tried to kill his obese child? The case totally sounds like Moojin’s cup of tea. Moojin is greatly interested in psychopaths. Why? Because they are sensational. Today, as usual, he lingers around a crime scene and bothers detective Cha Jiwon, who he met when he used to work with the police to report news. Hearing that her husband is a skilled metal craft artist, his eyes flash with recognition.

Metal craft artist. It sounds so familiar to Moojin. The culprit in the serial killings 18 years ago back in his hometown was also a metal craft artist. His daughter happened to be Moojin’s first love. Do Haesoo… My first love… Is she still harboring resentment towards me? Has she changed a lot? Does she often think about me?

-

Gang Pilyoung (51)

| [Hanjugan] Team Leader

Moojin’s immediate supervisor who doesn’t hesitate to offer Moojin advice.

She recognizes Moojin’s journalistic skills at getting exclusive news items, and even enables his obsession with scoops.

But at the back of her mind, she cares for Moojin as a person, like her little brother.

-

Investigation Team

http://program.tving.com/tvn/evilflower/3/Contents/Html?h_seq=5

Lee Woochul (43)

| Leader of Homicide Investigation Team 3

Leader of Homicide Investigation Team 3 where Jiwon belongs. Very rational and patient.

Maybe he appears too rational, so some might think he is too cold. He always bickers with Jaesup. But he is a thoughtful leader who puts the safety of his team members first.

Choi Jaesup (43)

| Veteran Detective

Veteran detective and immediate supervisor of Jiwon. He’s unrivaled when it comes to ‘connections.’ ‘Old-school’ detective who often ignores the law and proceeds with investigations using his instinct.

Typical old guy who says whatever that comes to his mind, but he also speaks up when the other team members stay respectful.

-

Lim Hojoon (29)

| Youngest Team Member

Youngest member of the investigation team and Jiwon’s partner detective. Whenever he wants to quit because of the heavy workload, it’s Jiwon who has always encouraged him not to quit. Hojoon finds himself becoming a better person when he is with Jiwon. He respects and admires Jiwon.

-

Yoon Sangpil (51)

| Section Chief

Chief of the homicide investigation section.

He often just relies on routine procedures when handling cases, but when it’s really important, he provides as much support as Investigation Team 3 needs. Short-tempered, he is often seen yelling at the detectives who get into trouble.

[misc-headcanons]

May i please have the full nsfw alphabet for killer please?

(Well, only because you said “please”... :P JK, I’m always down to write about Killer!)

A = Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

He likes to just relax afterwards, but if you need anything he’ll get up and get it for you. He usually falls asleep soon after sex, holding you against his chest.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

On his partner: He doesn’t even know why, but he likes their neck and shoulders. He loves to sleep with his head resting in the crook of your neck, and he likes resting his head on your shoulder when he’s bored or tired.

On himself: Probably his hands. He’s got some light callouses, and the feeling of his hands on your body just does something to him. He’s also quite skilled with his hands, and he puts that talent to use when he’s in bed with you.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

Killer prefers to cum inside you, and when he does there’s a LOT. Like, you know those hentai videos where the guy just cums like a geyser and it’s ridiculously thick? That’s Killer. He’ll use a condom when he can, but even then there’s just so much that it usually bursts anyway.

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He secretly wants to fuck you while you’re wearing cute and frilly lingerie, regardless of your gender. There’s just something about seeing you dressed like in something so cute and elegant, just for him to roughly take you. If you want the key to his heart (and his dick :3), just dress up in something like this: https://www.hijp.co.kr/rakuten/bid.s/auc-kozwayshop:10001085

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He’s had a few partners of different genders here and there while traveling the seas, so he’s got a decent amount of experience. He can count the people he’s slept with on one hand, but from how he is in bed you’d think he has a LOT more experience.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

He prefers to be on top, and he’s not too adventurous with positions. The first time you two have sex, he’ll stick to missionary; after that, he’ll try to spice it up a little but he still likes positions like that.

http://sexpositions.club/positions/115.html

http://sexpositions.club/positions/79.html

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

He’s more serious than goofy, but if something embarrassing happens he’s not afraid to laugh and play it off. Ideally though, he’s too busy fucking you senseless to make you laugh.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

He’s got a lil’ happy trail of blond curls, and he keeps himself fairly well-groomed down there with a trim every now and then. His hair is a little darker compared to what’s on his head, but it’s still blond.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

It really depends on how long you’ve been together. All of the other times he’s had sex, they were just flings or one-night stands; he didn’t take off his mask and he didn’t get too attached to his past partners, so if you two have a relationship like that it won’t be too intimate. If you two are close enough, he’ll have taken off his mask in front of you before you two ever have sex. If that’s the case, he’s very intimate: passionate kisses as he feverishly pounds into you, lots of foreplay, whispers of your name...

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He’s got a fairly low sex drive, so he doesn’t do it that often. It also doesn’t help that Kidd has NO sense of privacy while on the ship and will just burst into your room unannounced, so if Killer ever tried jerking off while on the ship there’s a high chance Kidd will walk in on him.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

Frilly, lacy lingerie. The cuter, the better. Any color is good, but he likes pastels especially.

Bondage/shibari, ideally with silk ropes or something gentle. You look like a present that he can’t wait to unwrap.

Hair tugging/pulling. If you dig your nails a little bit into his scalp and tug on his hair during sex, he’ll turn into an animal.

If you have long hair, he likes seeing you with it up in a messy bun. If you combine this look with some lingerie, he’ll fuck you right then and there when he sees you regardless of whether or not you’re in public.

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

Prefers to just have sex in typical places, like a bed/couch/shower, but he’s also quite fond of fucking you against a wall.

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

When you play with his hair

Seeing you biting your lip when you’re turned on in public but don’t want to give it away

When you two are hanging out/cuddling and you rest your head on his shoulder

Seeing you take out an enemy with ease. There’s something about the way you move that’s so graceful to him, even if you’re just punching a dude out.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn offs)

Nothing involving scat or urine

He doesn’t have a daddy kink, and being called “daddy” makes him feel...weird. A part of him thinks that you actually want him to father your kids, and he’s cautious about bringing a baby into your lives considering the whole “I’m a pirate and have a lot of chaos/danger in my life” thing.

He’d try some roleplay, but he wouldn’t be comfortable with something dark like incest or consensual noncon/dubcon. 

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

He doesn’t have a preference for giving or receiving, it just depends on his mood. If he’s stressed about something, he’s more likely to want to receive; if he can tell you need some “attention” after a long day, he’ll want to give. He’d only be able to give you oral if you’ve been together for a while and you’ve seen him without the mask (it’s kinda hard to eat someone out or suck their dick with it on, after all). He’s fairly experienced with oral, but his real talent comes from his hands; he’s fond of eating you out while fingering you/sucking you off and stroking you at the same time.

P = Pace (Are they fats and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He has a quick pace, and the closer he gets to cumming the rougher he gets. The word to describe his pace is “passionate”. Lots of feverish kisses while he’s fucking you at a fast pace, nipping and biting your neck and collarbone, pulling you in for a kiss when he finally cums inside you and fucks you hard through his orgasm, etc.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

If you two are in a real relationship and not just a fling, he prefers proper sex. But if you just need some quick release or you two are short on time, he’s fine with a quickie. Most of the time, these sessions will involve you against a wall.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He’s willing to experiment a bit, but his partner would have to approach him. He’s happy with what he’s doing, and he tends to stick to what he knows; unless you tell him you want to try something, he won’t really try anything new.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He’s got a fairly low sex drive, but when he’s turned on, he’s gonna last a while. Three rounds on average, and he can last for almost an hour per round if he paces himself. You’re gonna be sore afterward, just a heads-up.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He doesn’t have any toys, but he would be fine if his partner wanted to try using on him/themselves/both of them. Kidd gave him a pocket pussy as a gag gift once, but he hasn’t used it. Yet. It’s still in its original packaging on a shelf in his room.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

He doesn’t tease too much, unless you get him riled up. If you tease him for too long with some strategic kisses and sighs, light grinding against him, etc, he’ll eventually pay you back by pinning your arms above your head and kiss/bite every inch of skin around your pelvis. If you want him to actually give you oral, you better beg him; it’s only fair, considering how much you were teasing him...

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He’s not that loud, but he will get louder the closer he gets to cumming. He’ll moan and mutter small things in your ear (“Right there?” “Fuck, you feel good…” “Wrap your legs around me tighter”) , and he likes to kiss you as he cums so that he doesn’t get too loud.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

If you approached him with the idea of having a threesome, he’d be cool with it and nominate Kidd as the third person. He knows that Kidd would be into it, and Kidd wouldn’t be the kind of guy to catch feelings and make everything complicated between the three of you. 

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

Length (flaccid and erect): 7 ½ inches

Girth: 5 ½ inches

It’s a bit veiny, and it’s got a slight downward curve to it. The head is a bit pink, and it just looks...pretty? Like, there’s something about his blond hair/happy trail, the slight tan of his body and shaft, and the pink of the head that just looks really nice. 

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

Like I said, it’s somewhat low. He can go a month or two without sex before he starts to get pent-up, but if his partner has a higher sex drive he would be able to keep up with them without a problem.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

He gets pretty sleepy after sex, and he falls asleep easily afterwards. Part of the reason he likes fucking you in bed most of the time is that he can just curl up afterwards, have you rest on his chest, and fall asleep. If you two have sex in the afternoon or the morning and he has to do stuff afterward, he’s a bit groggy for an hour or so; Kidd can tell whenever Killer’s had sex because of this, and he always flashes him the biggest shit-eating grin before asking him why he’s so tired.

[mallensvad-gd-blog]

Response .01

WEEK 1:

These first two weeks in ARTS 546: Design for Web have been pretty interesting. Although not the most ideal of circumstances, the class and I are making the best of the course and are adapting along the way. Away from home visiting some friends in Indianapolis for the first class meeting, I was delighted to meet Professor Khalili and my fellow classmates on Monday, August 24th. After being given a brief lecture on the anatomy of a website, we embarked on our first exercise which was to dissect a webpage (Pictured below).

By the “grace” of Gracey Dorn’s skills in InDesign, my group was able to create a clean dissection of the already clean Anthropologie site. Karla and I headed the effort in identifying all of the different parts, while Gracey outfitted all of this information in InDesign. It was truly a group effort and with such steady energy, I knew I was off to a great start in this class.

The rest of that week could be characterized by the words discovery and finding. An entire onslaught of new programs were presented to me, including Figma and Adobe XD (I can’t help but capitalize the latter half of that Adobe program, how could you not? He’s having so much fun). These programs I have never even dabbled in, so with each turn on this new journey came new learnings and findings. 

Also amidst the quest into uncharted territory came a treasure I had been waiting to find, coding. Somewhere late in my Sophomore year here at USC there was a senior student named Ashlynn whom I looked up to in some ways. She had reluctantly sighed in one of our many post-printmaking chat sessions about how she was going to go home to continue to teach her self HTML. She continued with a statement that I remember as somewhere along the lines of “Coding is tough, but I know it’ll look good if I know it”, and that has sat in the corner of my brain ever since. Here we are, some 2-3 years later and that memory is resonating in a positive tune. Opening the code lessons last week for the first time, not to sound cheesy, put a smile inside of me. I had honestly been wanting to learn how to do this and here I am allowed the opportunity to fully embrace the journey under the guise of this course. Since that first lesson, I have looked up Youtube videos on “A Day in the Life of a Web Developer”, looked up salaries of those who do this for a living and even saved screenshots of the lessons to look at on my phone when I am sitting idle somewhere on this Green Earth (maybe not so green nowadays). Although I haven’t completely switched gears on my passion for design, I am excited to continue to learn and see what the future holds with coding.  Those exercises from both weeks are posted below.

WEEK 2:

Week 2 also had its own set of findings and teachings. Digging deeper into the intricacies of Web Design, we started our week with a lecture on site maps and an exercise to follow. This time my team consisted of Katie and Jensen, two really sweet ladies with the drive to support. None of us had ever really worked in Figma, so it was nice to learn how to walk with other people of the like. We were given the website for Boll & Branch to map out and did it in a cooperative effort, as we new our time constraints were generally tight. I did have to laugh at our civility towards one another as we continued to come behind and help each other when we saw someone was struggling or needed a hand. Each time, however, accompanied with a “thank you” or “appreciate it” as if in some sort of rhythm between act and recognition. All in all, I thought the project was great in helping us understand how site maps are created and work. Our collaborative child is presented below.

The latter half of the week has consisted of learning Adobe XD and starting on Project 1. That has been a journey in its own right but stay tuned to next week’s post for that hurricane. This week, I also had the pleasure of partaking in a networking event hosted by several Design programs over Zoom. The event included, Bowling Green University, NC State University, Virginia Tech University, University of Arkansas and, of course, our University. I got to meet lots of aspiring designers, most of which are Seniors and may have gained a couple of Instagram friends along the way, some of those lovely faces pictured below. Overall, it was a really great experience and I found myself wanting more. Hopefully it won’t be too long till the next event.

These first two weeks have been so great and I look forward to what this semester has in store for me. As I continue towards heightening my skills as a designer, I also look towards growing as a person. In a time where that growth has been stunted by the mere inability to connect soul to soul, these two weeks have reassured me that is not the case. Onward to a wonderful journey ahead in ARTS 546.

-MA

[toycarousel]

some advice? Please dont laugh when I say this. I'm transgender, ftm, but I dont like being called transgender, I just want to be called male. But at the same time,I'm african american, and dont want to be an african american male. The very thought scares me to no end and makes me want to not bother with transitioning. My therapist says that my dysmorphia and dysphoria are too conflicting to do anything with, but I dont want to stay as I am. So I'm at an stalemate. Idk what to do next. Advice?

(Disclaimer: I’m not a therapist or any sort of medical professional, so I can only offer my opinions + advice, but if anything feels off to you at all, then totally feel free to ignore it!)

Of course I’m not gonna laugh, Anon, and I don’t get why anyone would -- you’re in a very, very difficult, painful position, and a LOT of therapists aren’t great at figuring out the tentative balance of understanding who a patient is, what a patient needs, what a patient wants, and which steps they need to take with said patient in order to not harm that person... it can definitely take time.  If they’re a good fit for you, they’ll become better at understanding that balance (and also doing their proper research) as they get to know you more, and will offer more helpful options if they’re open-minded about trying a variety of angles instead of just sticking to their little therapy scripts, esp when those scripts don’t always apply neatly to every individual.

I’m not trans (and I’m white), so I could be totally off on a bunch of what I’m about to say (plus everyone’s experiences are different regardless), but I have met a few different people who don’t want to refer to themselves -- or be referred to as -- transgender.  Though their birth assignment doesn’t align with who they are, which fits the definition of “trans”, the term itself just... doesn’t work for them, specifically, and I think I can understand that.  I was born intersex (a person with mixed physical sex characteristics -- many that I didn’t even find out about until much later in life), but I wouldn’t consider that to be a huge part of me, or a defining way to describe my own relationship with gender.  For example, I wouldn’t want to be referred to as “that intersex person”, by other people, unless it was genuinely medically relevant in that moment.

So what I’m personally interpreting from what you’ve written here is that you don’t want the bodily aspect of things to be this constant focus of what your experience in life is, regarding gender.  Since cisgender (and also many intersex men, tbh) get to be referred to as just men, then you should be able to have that same thing, if it feels right for you, imo.  You being what other people would define as “trans” doesn’t make you less of a man regardless, so, ultimately, it’s fair to just want to be referred to as a man, same as all other men.

Wrt to you not wanting to be an African American male due to the terror you feel associated with that specific combo of identities -- well, that sounds incredibly tough for you to be going through, and to try to reconcile! And it’s something I can’t personally imagine (I wish I could help more, so I’ll just offer what I can, but again, if anything sounds off to you, feel free to disregard what I’m saying!) 

I can think of a lot of reasons off the top of my head as to why a person would be terrified to be a black man, but the ones that come to mind for me are things like: having to face an increased risk of police brutality, racism, other stereotypes, other ppl’s expectations as to who you should be -- all those types of wide-reaching social reasons.  But I also don’t know if those reasons are your specific reasons for being terrified of being an African American male, you know? Like on a personal level.  I can take a guess at more specific, internal reasons you might have, but that would be me kinda doing armchair therapy, so I won’t deep-dive there -- however, it’s always a good idea, and appropriate, for you to do some of that intense self-examination, you know? And I’m sure you and your therapist have done a lot of that already, but if you haven’t yet written down your exact reasons for this particular terror, maybe try that out! It’s one of the skills we learn in DBT (and other forms of therapy that I’ve been through).

I’d write out separate pages for each specific thought.  For example, one page listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why you don’t feel comfortable with being labelled as trans (the ways in which it doesn’t apply to you, how you feel when someone does apply it, etc).  And another sheet listing the reasons/thoughts/emotions as to why being an African American man would terrify you, VS just being African American in general.  Again, your reasons for not wanting to be referred to a certain way are totally valid, Anon! These sorts of sheets/journaling exercises are just to help you feel like you have a more solid grasp on where your own emotions are coming from, and to give you something physical to hold onto when you want to explain it in more detail to yourself and your therapist! 

A really, really, really helpful sort of worksheet/mindfulness activity to help us figure out what we’re feeling is this one I also learned in DBT (a form of therapy that is just ridiculously helpful for everyone, imo), and may help with writing out the things I mentioned above.  These are called behaviour chain analysis worksheets, and are usually used to prevent a behaviour that you want to stop engaging in, but what they also ultimately do is help ppl unravel thoughts, emotions -- your primary emotion is especially important to know, because that’s something you can then target with your therapist.  Here’s some info on how to do one: https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-do-a-chain-analysis-for-problem-behaviors-2797587

And a basic worksheet version (it can rly help to have on-hand, so it can be written down and you can check it out whenever you need to).  https://www.dbtselfhelp.com/html/behavior_chain_analysis.html

Like, for example, say you do one of these sheets to figure out the primary emotion behind bodily dysmorphia.  Say the behaviour was that you snapped at a friend for making a comment about your body, and you want to know why exactly you snapped at them (what about their comment hurt enough to elicit the reaction), and prevent it in the future.  The behaviour chain analysis is a space where you can write down what the behaviour was.  In this example it’d be; “Behaviour: Snapped At Friend”, and then you write down the initial feelings you had associated with it, and the thoughts that went with those feelings.  

Eventually, for example, say that you thought the reason you snapped at them was anger (which is by definition, a secondary emotion -- secondary emotions aren’t less important than primary emotions, but they’re the emotions that happen after primary emotions, sometimes mere seconds after), but when you look at the thoughts you wrote down that you experienced in the moment you snapped at the friend, and dig a little deeper, say it turned out that the primary emotion (the one that happened before the thoughts, and before the secondary emotions) wasn’t anger, but actually shame.

(I’m not saying yours will be shame btw, I just like using shame as an example, because a lot of my own thoughts and feelings and behaviours and inner conflicts are rooted in shame).

So then that gives you something solid to show yourself, but also to bring to your therapist.  Instead of the therapist focusing on only the thoughts and feelings that they’re visibly seeing in you in a session, they now know that you’re struggling with underlying shame, or sorrow, or grief, or disgust, or fear, or whatever the primary emotions end up being for you.  Then the therapist can more easily help you through tackling the dysmorphia, and any unwanted behaviours and thoughts + emotions associated with it.  And being able to tackle one of the things you’re struggling with in the ask you sent me above means that the dysphoria may start to make more sense for you in the same context as the dysmorphia -- and, hopefully, there will eventually be less of a conflict between the two, or at least they’ll be more understandable, even if they’re entirely separate from each other.

Since you’re not yet sure you want to transition due to these very genuine inner conflicts, then, like, I get why your therapist isn’t going ahead with it, but I also don’t want you to have to stagnate with therapy, or be denied the sense of progress, or with generally getting to know yourself either -- I want you to have the opportunity to live a life that feels right for you, but without the various intense fears associated with that! And I know that it’s fully possible, and will likely just take time, and support, and a willingness to unravel some things that... are probably gonna hurt a lot to unravel.  So you should definitely make sure you’re ready to unpack those things and are doing it with a professional you trust; and that you have outside support networks as well (friends, family, whoever is close to you that you can talk to).

Remember that there’s absolutely no time limit on when you can and can’t transition, if you choose to in the future! Plus, there are ways of transitioning that aren’t All The Way, you know? Reversible things you can do (which may have been what you were asking for from the start, ahahaha! My apologies for my wordiness in this response :’)

There are obvs options like binding, packing, etc., that you probably already know about (and know more about than me, tbh).  But you can also try other things out too -- there are certain types of makeup techniques/contouring for a more masculine look, more natural forms of altering hormones (if you feel safe doing so, and your doctor suggests any safe options -- definitely research this one thoroughly ahead of time).  

A legal change of name can also switch up how you feel a whole lot, if you’re ready/able to do so, (and if not, even just asking ppl to refer to you by a name that you choose, or a variety of different names, depending on whether you’re not sure which one fits yet; it’s always okay to change your mind wrt these things).  

Changing your wardrobe drastically can also rly alter how other ppl view and treat you, and I know there are resources online, and many on this site (mainly written by ppl who use the term trans for themselves, but that will hopefully be helpful to you as well), that have clothing swap links, and other suggestions as to more transition-related things you can do to move forward, while also not making any decisions that feel too permanent! Here are some of the links/resources along that vein that I could find:

https://transclothesexchange.tumblr.com/ (clothing exchanges)

https://transguys.com/style/trans-clothing-exchanges (clothing exchanges)

https://thebodyisnotanapology.tumblr.com/post/97564996149/transgender-resources (resources in general, including general body positivity, which could be incredibly helpful during especially dysmorphic and/or dysphoric times!) 

https://advicefromabro.tumblr.com/gi (I think this is an older post, but it mentions an app that will allow you to find a gender-neutral or safe bathroom, if that’s currently a concern for you!)

https://transstudiesarchive.tumblr.com/post/168139537672/transgender-resources-masterpost (looks like this one has some resources for African American people as well, among a variety of races)

https://nonbinary-support.tumblr.com/resources (this one has some links regarding name changes and tips for choosing a name, if that’s something that you’re interested in!)

https://transgenderteensurvivalguide.tumblr.com/post/147789231360/makeup-tips-for-ftm-people (some makeup and skincare tips for men!)

(I hope some of these are helpful for you, Anon! I’m sorry that they use language that doesn’t apply to you, it’s just what came up when I researched these tips -- but I think these are resources that could be helpful for anyone in a similar boat, not strictly trans ppl!)

In any case, whatever you do and don’t do, you can always choose who you are and how you represent yourself.  There are some physical aspects to a body that cannot be changed, or can only be changed with medical intervention, and some aspects of appearance that will always be there (skin colour, etc), but these things don’t define who you are.  I dunno how helpful this will be, but I wanted to also leave you with this; you may have certain body parts, but they aren’t your gender, or the sum of you.  People might assign labels like “trans” to you, but that doesn’t make them right, or you wrong.  You’re African American, but that’s not the sum of you either.  Your race, your gender, these are important aspects of our lives in the sense that they inform our experiences in a lot of ways, but they aren’t Who You Are.  “African American male” may be something a doctor writes on a sheet for you someday, or maybe not, but regardless, it says nothing about you as a person:  

It doesn’t tell anyone what you love, what you dislike, what makes you happy, your hobbies and interests, what you’re good at, what you want to become good at, your dreams, your goals, your personal achievements, those little things in life that make you smile sometimes, your complexities, your favourite colour, a place you’d love to go, a place you already like to go when you want to be alone, or somewhere or something you want to share with a loved one someday, a movie scene that made you cry, whether or not you’re an animal person/want pets (or already have them), your lifelong habits, embarrassing things you did when you were younger, how deeply and wonderfully you affect the people in your life, stories you may have created, your sense of beauty and style, a song or a poem that speaks to you, your sense of humour... all these things are yours.  No matter where you are in life right now, and no matter where you want to be in the future! No one has the right to define you but you -- and no one can take that from you. 

Happy New Year, Anon! And best of wishes~!!! : D

[wishthefish916]

What Is Anti?

Holy fucking shit, I’ve literally had this saved as a draft on this site for MONTHS and just haven’t posted it out of spite, but if ever there was a call to action this is is. I published this theory a while ago, but I wasn’t completely happy with how I’d written it at the time so I took it down a few minutes later. I’d originally planned on never revisiting this again, but while developing a different theory which will probably be coming out soon, I was forced to revisit this work, so here we are. The science of Antisepticeye. What he is, where he came from and how to stop him. It’s a long one lads, so buckle the fuckle up.

If we’re ever gonna stop Anti, which is kinda the point of all this theorizing anyways, we have to know what exactly he is. To figure that out, we need to look into what effect he has on the world around him. Looking back at the ever expanding collection of Anti moments ((thank the heavens for his wiki and a whole lotta spare time)), the only thing that tied them all together is that the person in the webcam felt a sense of danger, be it from a jump scare or high suspense or even from hearing Anti’s name, the brain of the person who was recording sensed danger, which triggered a hormonal fight-or-flight response in their body in the moment Anti presents himself to us, and it’s usually preceded with a long gap in symptoms surfacing. What else do we know of that lies dormant for a long period of time before something triggers it to wake up which usually leads to chaos for whatever system it’s in? Jack A virus!

So what kind of virus is he? Well, in bigger videos like Say Goodbye and Kill JSE the person on the screen communicated that they felt physical effects of his presence, like nausea, aches, delirium and twitching and in some cases bleeding from the eyes. This tells me that if Anti is a virus he’s a biological one.

However I cannot ignore the biggest telltale sign of Anti showing up which is the game or webcam ((and sometimes the person)) glitching, audio disturbances, and corrupted html text((Zalgo)), which would tell me that he is a computer virus.

So lads, correct me if I’m wrong in saying that if Anti is indeed a virus, he wouldn’t be exclusively biological or the technological, but rather a biomechanical virus((I totally didn’t make up the term shush)).

Being made up of both biological and technological components mean infection could have happened just about anywhere. For the sake of clarity I’ll be breaking it up into biological and technological components as I’m fairly certain the two are symbiotically dependent on each other, considering the physical effects coincide almost completely with the technological ones.

If infection was controlled by the biological aspects, that would mean he was infected by contact with the virus. Either he touched it, breathed it in, ate or drank it, kissed it, or bled on it. For all the other egos who’ve been infected, this makes perfect sense. JJ cutting his finger right before the glitching shows up, Henrik almost never wearing his surgical mask when handling his infected patients, Chase heavily drinking in the moments leading up to Dark Silence, but Jack is a different story. The first time we saw Anti was in FNAF Sister Location, and that video had none of the above in it. That tells me he was infected well before he first showed himself, which makes sense logically. People don’t show flu symptoms as soon as they come into contact with the flu virus. It has to fester for a little bit before showing any symptoms, so why should Anti be any different?

So where did Jack get infected? If he did physically come into contact with the virus, it would have been in a live action video. From a storytelling perspective, it wouldn’t make sense to not showcase an important plot point clearly, and live action is the best medium to do such. That brought me to the 2015 pumpkin carving video, but nothing too suspicious happened. There was no bleeding, he didn’t eat anything, while he did kiss the pumpkin no bodily fluids were exchanged, and breathing it in or touching it seems implausible, because it would mean the virus already existed in his house, which means he would have been infected long before that video.

The only other live action videos he’s done, and correct me if I’m wrong, were the 700,000 subscriber ghost pepper challenge, the ALS Ice bucket challenge, and his regular vlogs. Sean is incredible at blurring the line between normal video and ego video, but these videos all had an underlying sincerity to them, where he was trying to communicate to us his appreciation or with the ALS video trying to get us to donate to charity, and I find it highly improbable for him to try and undermine the meaning behind them with an ego clue.

That leads me to believe that it were the technological aspects of the virus that infected him, and that’s where things get kinda tricky. Now, computer viruses are actually relatively easy to come into contact with, the problem definitely isn’t there. Maybe Jack was sent it in an email, maybe he went to a sketchy website, maybe he downloaded a game that had a little something extra up it’s sleeve. No biggie, it happens. The logic leap is when the computer virus starts affecting his real life person, even when he’s not using the computer, a la Say Goodbye.

I believe immersion is the answer. Immersion in game play is something a large portion of game developers strive for, making the player feel like they were actually inside their game. This is one of the hardest and most important things a story driven game developer can do, and also one of Jack’s key defining features in games he tends to really enjoy.

I think, in the story that Sean has created for us with the egos, when Jack is doing a lets play and he gets really immersed in the game, he actually does exist inside that game. That feeling of total immersion, those moments when his brain is unable to separate the game from reality, they happen because of him actually being inside the game on his computer. If Jack were to download a game that had Anti’s virus on it, and then became immersed in the game play experience long enough to come into contact with said virus, it’s entirely possible that the virus stayed with him when he left the game/no longer was immersed.

Well, if we’re going to find out how to cure the thing, we’ve first got to find the location of patient zero, i.e. the video that started it all. If we know where it came from, we’ll know how it works and that’ll make it immensely easier to stop it. Are there any games out there that Jack played that 1) truly immersed him as a player into it’s world, 2) share a strong resemblance to what we already see in Anti, and 3) was uploaded some time before the release of Sister Location. There are two bigguns that spring to mind.

Undertale is probably the most well known and well liked series on Jack’s entire channel. While he was playing he became heavily invested in each of the characters, even the baddies, and so did we. We grew to care for them all as if they were our closest friends. When they were hurt, we screamed in protest. When they were comforted, we felt all warm and fuzzy. When we reached the true ending, we all cried. I would most certainly consider that immersion, wouldn’t you?

Not only did Undertale immerse the player and viewer, it messed with your actual computer files. If you do a genocide route even once, uninstalling and reinstalling the game won’t wipe it’s memory of the route. You have to dig through your computer to find and delete the file that tells steam what route you chose if you want to play the game brand new again. Not to mention the game frequently closing itself unprompted, which has a well known history for corrupting recording footage. Potential for corruption? Check.

New paragraph for new point because oh my god, there’s a lot. Several people have already pointed out the similarities between Flowey and Anti, but just in case you haven’t seen it yet or wanted a nice recap, here we go.The voice acting Jack chose for Flowey sounds just like a higher pitched Anti voice. This was the first time he ever layered audio files to achieve a more sinister voice effect. The thumbnails following his fight with Flowey all hold trademark characteristics of Anti video thumbnails. Our first ever interaction with him ends with him attempting to murder Jack. Their laughs are one in the same. At certain points in the game, you can find Flowey following you, keeping an eye on things, if you will. His boss fight, oh my g o d. He kills the dude in charge, everything cuts to black, and next thing we know there’s a glitchy face laughing at us through a screen, telling us about how he’s the one in charge and how this is his world and how everything he’s done was all our faults, after which his eyes turn red and green and he starts puppeteering controlling six different souls, using their different skills to his own personal advantage so he can fulfill some unspoken objective. Gee, sound familiar? 

However, despite all of this, Undertale was not patient zero. Why I still listed all the game’s similarities despite this, I promise was not to waste your time, I’m getting to that. There was a game that came just before this one, the first of it’s kind, the actual patient zero. That game, is The Visitor.

Many of you may not remember this game, but The Visitor (and The Visitor Returns) was a little flash game that was posted way back on March 1st, 2015, and you played as an alien creature that came to Earth on a meteorite who’s only objective was to kill any creature it came into contact with to gain it’s powers. It was a video that kind of took the channel by storm, landing it’s place as the fifth most watched video on Jack’s channel even though nobody really knew how. This was patient zero. 

As for the checklist? It was posted March 1st, 2015, a full year and seven months before Sister Location. Jack is certainly immersed in the gameplay, so much so he forgets about the menu screen and accidentally restarts the game in an attempt to do more stuff. Does it show a similarity to what we already see in Anti? More than you’d see at first glance. Yes, his mouse is kind of glitching through the entire video. Yes, his webcam goes dark for a single frame towards the five minute mark. Yes, there’s multiple severe neck wounds throughout the game. But that’s not what sold me on this. It’s the premise of the game itself. 

I was struggling for months trying to figure out which game was patient zero. I jumped between Undertale, Fran Bow, Vee is Calling, and even the other Five Nights At Freddy’s videos more times than I could count, because all of them seemed like plausible answers. Fran Bow was the first series ever to adopt Anti’s traditional thumbnails, with lens flares and glowing eyes and blood everywhere(seriously, I took a good ten minutes and scrolled through every single video on his channel and Fran Bow was where it all started), not to mention a dark shadow creature who feeds on suffering being the main antagonist. Vee is Calling had an actual virus as a main character who actually glitches out and actually takes control of the main character’s in game computer. One of the glitches in SIster Location #1 showed a frame from the first ever FNAF game, and many of the sounds were pulled from the series at different points. I’ve already written paragraphs about Undertale. All of these things show a direct tie to Anti. 

Then remember what The Visitor is all about. It’s an alien who kills things around him to gain it’s powers. It takes aspects from each creature it comes into contact with and uses them for his own personal gain. That seems to be exactly what Anti has done ever since we’ve known him as a physical entity on the channel rather than an idea with a name. 

I mean, look back at May 2k18. Every single skit, either ego themed or not, was pulled directly from whatever the game he played was about. Hell, just look at the egos! I’ve talked about this before, but in every single ego video, there is always a theme of character decay, where the person they were at the start of the video erodes away leaving nothing but a shell of who they were by the end, and this is especially apparent in their debut. JBM, the courageous hero giving into cowardice. Marvin the Magician, throwing away his career. Henrik the wise doctor, killing his patients and forgetting a comedic amount about human nature. Chase the bubbly dad, pulling a gun on himself. JJ the mute actor, cutting his finger and immediately getting possessed. I’d tied them back to Anti before, but I never really knew why. In hindsight, this was clearly Anti’s attempt at stealing their strengths. Each and every one of them had some advantage that Anti wanted, and their slow decay was evidence of Anti trying to take control so he could have it. That’s why each new video showed him getting stronger, going from making them kind of afraid to full on suicide and possession. He was stronger because he’d taken more attributes and was able to use them more effectively with each passing video. For each game that Sean got immersed in that fit his agenda, Anti adopted different aspects for himself. There is no one video where Anti came from because he came from every video.

Okay. Alien biomechanical virus. How do we treat it? Well, that is heavily reliant on it’s sources. Anti adopted both some benefits and some defects from every game he pulled from. He gained both strengths and weaknesses, so if you want to “beat” him, the answer would lie in those games. The Visitor had no happy ending. Fran Bow won by giving up on reality and living with tree people, a demon, and an oversized axolotl. Undertale got a good ending by befriending everyone including the bad guys and hopefully not dying too much in the process. FNAF was finished by getting fired or burning everything to the ground and praying you’re not sent to purgatory. Vee is Calling was saved by focusing on your love life more than your computer files. Maybe it’s one of those answers. Maybe it’s all of them. Maybe it’s none of them. It seems not even Sean knows the answer to that question, but now we have a great place to start looking.

I wasn’t able to attend PAX, which means I didn’t know about the Anti “hint” until just now. When I heard it I wanted to scream, I think I actually might have, because I’ve been sitting on this work for literal months and just not gotten around to posting it. “We still haven’t figured out what Anti is yet.”

So, @therealjacksepticeye, are my answers to your satisfaction? 

[2x4constructiontx]

Hiring a Home Remodeler for Home Repair

It cannot be denied that one of the most important parts of home remodeling is locating and hiring the right remodeler for the job. Some people may have the impression that as long as major renovations are not carried out, it is not so imperative that a qualified remodeler be used. This is completely false. It doesn't matter if a room is added or if a simple repair is done in the kitchen, the knowledge of the remodeling contractor will finally decide the quality of work to be completed.

The ultimate goal of choosing a home remodeler is to find someone who does the job in a timely manner and meets each and every one of the agreed expectations. It is also important to find someone who has good communication skills and is very professional because this will influence the overall home remodeling experience of the owners. Because many areas have a large number of remodeling companies, a large amount of research must be done to ensure that the most qualified remodeler is hired for the specific project.

Ask people you know about home remodeler referrals

One of the easiest and most reliable ways to get some potential home remodeling candidates is to talk to people who have recently completed some remodeling work. Be sure to talk with friends or family who give you feedback about your experiences. Another way to get good references is to speak with independent commercial contractors in the area. These people often work with larger remodeling companies and can direct an owner to a reliable remodeling contractor.

After a solid list of possible home remodelers has been created, it's time to dig a little. Look for certifications that can serve as proof that the person is a qualified remodeler. There are also websites that give owners access to databases of all registered remodeling contractors. It is important to verify all references provided by home remodelers. Be careful with home remodelers that have no references that can be contacted.

The remodeling company chosen must have updated insurance along with a permanent contact method. A working phone number and a physical business address will help prevent possible remodeling contractor fraud situations. Any qualified remodeler must also possess the knowledge required to create precise quotes. Being able to provide estimates is a skill that comes from experience and structural knowledge.

Choose a remodeling contractor with whom you feel comfortable

Keep in mind that any chosen home remodeler may be working in the house for a long period of time depending on the extent of damage or renovations desired. Owners should feel comfortable working with the chosen remodeling contractor and there should be easy and open communication. Money can be a very strong determining factor when it comes to choosing someone to repair your home. There is nothing wrong with comparing estimates, but decisions must be based on more than just the price to ensure good craftsmanship.

Just as there is fraud present in all other commercial industries, there are people who claim to be qualified remodelers but give poor quality work. Do not rely on very low offers because if something sounds too good to be true of what it probably is. A reliable remodeling contractor will quote realistic prices based on labor and materials. Avoid any remodeling company that requires full payment in advance and those that only accept cash. Taking the time to choose the right remodeler will ensure a smooth repair process.

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[zozammer]

Learning Learning

Trying to create some power moves in the wake of a fairly incomplete week. They’re piling up. All my incomplete tasks and unmastered lessons. Feel like shit right now. But I need to make myself feel better.

“Don’t try so hard.”

“Don’t try to be someone you’re not.”

“If you can’t do it, give up!” 

The last one is Freud.

Let me organise and list down the incomplete tasks for my readers:

1) finishing my very simple book that has been stretched for 2 months now.

2) a wedding invitation, though I’m making it right now. This has to get out.

3) Have not attended a single yoga class in the past week and the guilt is surmounting. I miss my mat, but the time isn’t right or I’m not making it right.

4) Have not gone for a swim since Tuesday and I seem to be falling back on my daily goals.

5) my drum lessons are ending with my current teacher due to personal differences. I am personally feeling a bit relieved, sad, and anxious at the same time. If I had to choose, I’d pick relieved.

I need to get better. Way better. I’m nervous and hopeful about working with a new teacher. Not enough hours in the day. Learning the drums and controlling anxiety lol. Nature clash.

6) Hunting for digs with my shoestring budget, and badgering my accountant for papers so I can get the ball rolling on my other pursuits. 

7) Giving up on RTOM Black Hole mesh heads and a Mapex Mars, and settling for a dirt cheap student band set on a resale site because adulting and priorities. Waiting out the summer since moving in to a new place is going to ching ching ka-ching the way to the not-so-full-anyway piggy.

8) My pending submission for my online class is long overdue. It’s been three days.

9) My pending office work and deliverables are due Monday. That’s actually the most important thing.

I am falling back.

... I think the termination of my drum classes really kicked it for me. I’ve been trying to train my brain and my body, but I haven’t been able to get up before sun’s out and that’s made all the difference in managing my time.

On Learning:

I am currently trying to Pay Attention.

Thoughts, desire, analysis, rumination, lethargy, fear, negativity.  

All these dull the brain. All these babies, I guilty of smoking in the past decade (no typo, that’s how I’m saying it). And now I’m trying to be a better student but it’s a bit hard remoulding a brain when you’re older (not impossible, very possible).

The pre frontal cortex needs activation. Well, a key to healthier firing and opening of neural pathways is optimism. 

Now that I’m getting back up on the horse, it’s taking a lot more effort. I found my drum classes so frustrating today. I’m slightly turned off. Sometimes people can turn me off a subject. Fundamentally, haste is the enemy.

But I’m trying to change how I view learning, lessons, and growth. Which is why, the minute I got home, I googled a bunch of lessons online. I felt in control again. I told myself that it was time to grow thicker skin. Can’t do without it, sorry baby girl.

Self-study. Practice. Practice. Curiosity. Persistence. Presence (this one is so hard, but I’m so much better at this than I was 3 years ago). Visualisation. 

And most importantly - stop talking. Stop thinking. Wastes energy.

The fact that my reading is poor currently, strikes much fear in me, because there’s just so much to learn, with that skill in hand. And I’m thirsty all the damn time for more knowledge and skills to pick up. My auditory, visual, and logical comprehension need boosts; I wonder if the flax seeds are helping. I really want to get better at it. 

(... Since I want to, I will.)

http://english.glendale.cc.ca.us/speed1.html 

bought a book by the Princeton Review last month. Will read it once I’ve actually finished the aforementioned tasks. Something tells me I have to start timing my activities in fascist fashion. 

Is this post causing you anxiety? I apologise.

This -...

or let go. 

Let go and see things as they are. Pay full attention. 

Be present 

in the here and now, 

every day. 

ffff....aaaaaahhh......  Let’s try.

Again tomorrow.

It’s a yogic practice to thank Patanjali for all that one learns in the day, and to try again tomorrow.

Trying to finish one or two of these tasks before I go to bed. Feel better about the week and the day. Completion is a great feeling. Get your shit straight, Keik.

[tap-tap-tap-im-in]

A Web Development Master Post

I’ve spent the last two years working as a professional developer. I didn’t go to college for this, and just about everything I know I’ve either taught myself or learned from looking through other people’s source code as we research if we want to pull a project into our code base. I love it, and I have done some things I never would have expected from myself at the start. But before we get into any of those, I wanted to put together a list of resources I wish I had or worked with more fully when I was sitting in my job interview two years ago. Think of this as part resources on how to learn some of these skills, some recommendations on applications to incorporate into your workflow, and a few opinions on some of the other common applications that you’re welcome to heartily disagree with.

First things first lets get a few resources together, and for those of you who are already familiar with HTML, CSS, JavaScript, and PHP, none of these will be a surprise. It might be worth your while to jump ahead.

Online Resources

https://www.w3schools.com/

Starting out, W3 schools will probably be pretty omnipresent for help. They have tutorials for HTML, CSS, JavaScript, PHP, ASP, and many other web technologies. They pride themselves in being the largest web developer site, and unfortunately that has a downside. They don’t always update all of their articles to the most current specifications. This is a wonderful resource, as they do a good job of explaining a lot of these concepts in a beginner friendly way, but when you’re ready for nitty-gritty details, it’s almost always best to go with a more specialized developer resource.

https://css-tricks.com/

CSS is a powerful and flexible tool. Every day I see projects where developers have pushed it to new heights, but sometimes it’s a little arcane too. Well the wizards over at CSS-Tricks have collected a large number of articles and tutorials that explain everything from how z-index works to how to use newer layout-centric rules like Flexbox or Grid. If a CSS rule is misbehaving, 9 times out of 10, I can find a clear and concise reason on this site, and more importantly, I find many recommendations on how I can achieve the same effect differently.

https://flexboxfroggy.com/

Speaking of Flexbox, Flexbox Froggy is a one-note kind of resource, but it teaches all of the core concepts behind flexbox, and it can also teach CSS savvy managers why moving to a new layout methodology would benefit your work flow.

https://cssgridgarden.com/

Created by the same developer as Flexbox Froggy, and it does the same thing with Grid concepts.

https://developer.mozilla.org/en-US/

Mozilla’s developers have been at this game a long time, and their resources are next to none. In my opinion, this collection does not do much help a beginner understand, but the trade-off is that once you’re over that initial hurdle, the information you’re looking for is almost always only a few clicks away. This is the first, and often the last, place I go whenever I’m looking to solve a weird JavaScript bug that the rest of the internet is too clever to have encountered, (or to explain why only IE9 is seeing it).

http://php.net/manual/en/index.php

I know PHP isn’t a popular language right now, but it’s powerful, it’s flexible, and it’s still the primary language of the largest and most popular CMS on the planet, for better or worse, WordPress. Especially if you’re going to work freelance, you owe it to yourself to at least be familiar with PHP, and this will be your best friend. It’s no nonsense, and not beginner friendly, but it’s clear, and the comments on the articles are often as helpful as the articles themselves.

https://codex.wordpress.org/Developer_Documentation

Speaking of working in freelance (or even for a firm like I do), I have my own opinions about the way WordPress works, but you’re going to be doing projects in WordPress, and you aren’t going to be able to accomplish them without this. I have a small problem with the way functions and parameters are explained (it isn’t always easy to differentiate how one calls a function manually, or if it is called by filters, or how it is different from they three other functions named roughly the same thing), but I do know that the WordPress core developers work very hard, so there is always a method to the madness, even if you don’t have the key to see it.

https://stackoverflow.com/

When you get to the debugging stage, you’re going to become familiar with Stack Overflow pretty fast, as it almost always dominates the first few google results for a problem. Now, I’ve had developers try to scare me away from using Stack Overflow because it is open for beginners and experts, and sometimes it’s hard to tell quality of answers, but I strongly disagree with that. While it’s true you should always look cautiously at using someone else’s code right out of the box, there are a lot of members of the community that go out of their way to explain what the code is doing, and those are the answers you should be looking for. You don’t have to use their code, but if you can understand why you had the problem in the first place, you grow as a developer, and now have the tools to solve the problem. Stack Overflow is a big part of the Open Source community, so it’s always nice to give back at least as much as you take, so if you see a question you have the answer to, feel free to share.

https://github.com/

Eventually, you’re going to run into a project where you need a plugin developed by someone else, either because you don’t yet have the knowledge or you don’t have the time, but the client needs the functionality. 9 times out of 10 you’ll find what you need on GitHub, and honestly, you should be getting together your own GitHub with plugins and projects of your own. No matter how single purpose they may be, you’d be surprised how useful things can be in very specific situations. GitHub, like Stack Overflow, is a big part of the Open Source community, so it’s always nice to give back when you can. Make suggestions or report problems you have with any projects you pull, and in doing so you’ll make the community a better place.

Applications for Windows Based Developers

Now, for the next section let’s get into some tools. I love gaming, so I have a Windows computer at home. I don’t really know why we’re wasting money on a Windows license at work, but we are so I can mirror the full stack in both locations. Here’s what I use.

https://notepad-plus-plus.org/

When I first started, my boss insisted I use Dreamweaver for everything. I have nothing against Adobe, and their products are quality, but Dreamweaver was way more trouble than it was worth. Everything I cared about from Dreamweaver I can do in this free and Open Source program, with some extra functionality I find it extremely hard to mimic in Dreamweaver. Notepad++ is fast, stable, and hugely extendable. If you’re doing this as a full time job, I strongly recommend switching to a dark theme for the sake of your eyes. Blackboard is among my favorites (unless you’re trying to write Python). I also really love its macro functionality, I have a couple of re-used DOM structures programmed in there right now as well as my multi-line comment format.

https://winscp.net/eng/download.php

Arguably, the best part of Dreamweaver is the built in FTP client that lets you push changes directly to the server, but set Notepad++ as your primary editor in this, and suddenly you even have that feature, as this will sync temp folders back to the server. This is probably the best FTP client I’ve seen on Windows, with full support for SFTP and SSH (built on PuTTY) with all sorts of encryption and authentication options. It’s also hugely configurable and fairly dependable. If you’re working on a remote server using a Windows machine, this is probably how you should be accessing the file system.

https://www.putty.org/

I hope that as a web developer you don’t have to learn to be a server administrator, but as a web developer I am telling you you’ll probably have to learn at least a little bit about Unix/Linux server administration, as they are by far the most popular web server stacks out there, and you’ll be controlling them with an SSH client at some points, even if a web interface is available. This is a great one, with all sorts of authentication options, so if (like us) you know you need root access to a server remotely, but you don’t like the idea of protecting that with just a simple password, you can set up Public/Private key pairs with encryption passphrases.

http://www.wampserver.com/en/

Let me be clear on this: WAMP, which stands for Windows Apache, PHP, MySQL, is great to have. It’s good for training, it’s good for prototyping tools without having to wait for a virtualized server to start up, but the differences in environments between running Apache, PHP, and MySQL on Windows versus Linux will bite you eventually. Don’t expect to be able to push anything you worked on in WAMP directly to your Linux based server without having to fix a few problems here and there. That said, I have a number of things I run in my WAMP server all the time (linting, IP geolocation, domain DIGs, and a few others). It’s a great tool, but it isn’t a replacement for a staging server.

https://www.virtualbox.org/

You should be using a virtual machine for your staging server. That way you can simulate things like network communications and how your code will actually be run on Linux. Virtual Box is free and powerful. You’ll need to get ISOs for whatever operating system you intend to run, and you should be aware that at least some versions of Windows have it written into their License agreement that you can’t run them virtualized.

https://www.gimp.org/

Gimp is powerful. I don’t really know how to use it well. It’s always been one of those things where I know I need to sit down and teach myself, but since I’ve fallen far into the trenches of server backend work, I haven’t ever had the motivation. Mostly, I use this to resize images when I notice that a website is loading a 14MB PNG on the homepage for some unknown reason. Please designers, think of the mobile phones, keep total page loads (Including all resources, pictures, scripts, and DOM structure) as close to or below 1MB as you can, especially if your site is supported by ad revenue, as there’s no telling how much the ads will need to load on top of that.

https://tools.stefankueng.com/grepWin.html

GrepWin is an implementation of Grep functionality on Windows. For those of you who aren’t aware, Grep is a terminal tool on Linux/Unix that uses a very efficient algorithm to search through large amounts of text for whatever you define, be it flat text, or something represented by a regular expression. It’s super useful for renaming an included document or global variable, and can really save your bacon if your error reporting is being vague. I like this particular implementation because it has context menu integration, so it’s as easy to use as right clicking in the directory you want to search in and telling it to search. It also supports text replacement with backups, so this simple tool is extremely useful more often than I’d like to admit.

https://gitforwindows.org/

The last tool is an implementation of Git for windows that also includes a Bash terminal. This is important because a lot of developers work in Linux, and so installation directions might only be available as Bash code, this makes it easy to move past that step without being bogged down translating that into Windows CMD code. This is a full implementation of Git, so it comes with all of the version control features and easy project building that Git provides. If you end up working with Electron or Node.JS in general, you’ll end up leaning on this pretty hard.

And that’s it. I’m hoping that later this week I can get into more interesting stuff, but I wanted to have a foundational post of the resources I might reference and the tools I’m using for people to fall back on. It’s the kind of thing I wish I had to reference when I was starting out, especially since all of the tools I’m using now are free and Open Source, and making that change has sped up my workflow significantly, as the only application I’ve listed here with any noticeable boot time is Gimp, something I hated about Dreamweaver every time I had to shut the computer down for whatever reason.

I plan on coming back to this post periodically and updating it as my opinions change, or I become aware of other resources that should be on here. Eventually I’ll also be lining out a software for Linux section, but I’m still shopping around for an affordable and stable Linux development machine.

Next time I think we’re going to dive right into some anecdotes about code commenting and design patterns, and why it pays to think about those from the beginning. Nothing glamorous, but I’d argue hugely important, and you get to laugh with me about some dumb things I’ve done.

[sparklingemeraldidol]

♥♦☼

RP POSITIVITY MEME! : Accepting!

♥ What’s the absolute best experience you’ve had in RP?

(I’ve had a few, but I’ll share one! 

The first time I joined Tumblr rp and was part of a mfrp group called Tranche. It was my first time rp’ing a new muse (Shuren) and I met many wonderful people there and had a blast! I wasn’t new to rp’ing at the time, but I was new to the site.

There was also the time I joined BFM, an old Pokemon rp group, which was just before I joined the MFRP scene. Those were fun times and I had a blast with my muses.))

♦ What’s your favorite thing about RP, generally?

((Digging through canon to find new things to apply to my muses so that I can flesh them out and make them more ‘real’ or ‘relatable’. Aka give them better characterization than they have in canon.))

☼ Have you learned any new skills from being involved in RP (coding, editing, making GIFs, etc)?

((I have learned to make my own basic icons! And how to adjust bits of the html theme code to change font sizes.))

[fieryaxolotl]

I FINALLY HAVE AN OCs PAGE!

Got tired of always having to dig through my tags so I decided to dust off my HTML coding skills and made an OCs page!

Took me most of the day yesterday but it’s getting there pretty nicely :3

So far, the pages for the following are done (still need a few tweaks here and there but the basics are there):

Fauve Brosca

Vahntiel Hawke

Nysal Lavellan

Lothuial Del’Shyr

Still need to set up:

Illylumiel

Saurianne

Abigail Shepard

Helen Ryder

But! If you are curious... GO CHECK IT OUT!! XD

(Yes. I am yelling. BECAUSE I AM PROUD OF ME!!!)

[trylkstopocket]

A Step-By-Step Process for Turning Designs Into Code

css-tricks.com

Turning website design files into a combination of HTML, CSS and JavaScript is the bread and butter of many front-end web development jobs, but there’s a part of this work that doesn’t neatly fit in to tutorials on any specific topic. There’s a process of breaking down a design and figuring out how to approach the build that seems to fall under on-the-job training for new front-end developers. It’s not something taught alongside core technologies (no matter where we are learning those technologies—college, bootcamp, or on our own).

In this post, we’ll take a look at how to go from design to code, and why you might want to follow a process like this instead of just diving into code head-first—which, let’s face it, we love to do! The contents of this post are based on my experiences onboarding new developers, the kinds of conversations we’ve had, and the help and feedback I’ve provided in those situations.

One reason the process of moving from design to code is a core professional skill for a front-end developer is that without having some way to dig in and predict how you will approach something, it’s very difficult to provide an estimate for how long it takes to make or what questions you might need answered before you start. Many designs might appear simple at first glance, but quickly become complex once you get into the weeds. I’ve seen this lead to overpromises, which often leads to tighter deadlines, stress and even worse side effects. Suddenly everything takes much longer than we initially thought. Yuck. Let’s see if we can avoid that.

Evaluating a design

As a way to talk about this, let’s use an example design for a “marketing-style” web page and assume we have been asked to implement it. We can also assume this site is created in a context where marketing professionals may come in and edit the content via some content management system (CMS), re-order the sections, replace images, and make style changes. So we need to decide on the components of the page that will be the building blocks used in the CMS.

This gets at another reason that this can be missed in education: often in our own solo projects, we can have static content right there in the HTML, and component parts aren’t going to be Frankenstein-ed together by strangers to form whole new pages and sections. But once you step into more real-world dev situations, things are a lot more dynamic, and we are often working at the layer of “make things that a non-developer can use to make a web page.”

Let’s use this website for a clinical trial is example. As we can see there are a lot of familiar design elements. Marketing sites tend to share common patterns:

a big hero section

product images

small separate sections of short-form content emphasizing one thing or another

information about the company

etc.

On mobile, we can take it as a given that in each section, the left columns will stack on top of the right, and some other fairly typical reflow will happen. Nothing structural will change on mobile. So what we are looking at is the core of the design.

In this example, there is a header, then a lot of distinct sections, and a footer. At a glance, some of the sections look kind of similar—several have a two-column layout, for example. There are button and heading styles that seem to be consistent throughout. As soon as you take a look at something like this, your eye will start to notice repeated patterns like that.

This is where we start making notes. Before we do any coding, let’s understand the ideas contained in the design. These ideas can fall into a few buckets, and we want our final product—the web page itself—to correctly represent all these ideas. Here are the buckets I commonly use:

Layout-level patterns—repeating layout ideas and the overall grid

Element-level patterns—headings, text sizes, fonts, spacing, icons, button sizes

Color palette

Structural ideas—the logical organization of sections, independent from the layout

Everything else—ideas that are only present in one component

Documenting the patterns this way comes in handy for figuring out our CSS approach, but also for choosing what HTML elements to use and starting conversations with the designer or other stakeholders if something is unclear. If you have access to the source files for the design, sections and layers might be labelled in there that give you a good idea what the designer was thinking. This can be helpful when you want to talk about specific sections.

So let’s look at the ideas contained in our example design. We’re going to do several passes through the design, and in all of them, we’re going outside-in, top-to-bottom, and left-to-right to ensure we evaluate every element. In each of the five passes, we’re looking for stuff that goes into just one of the buckets.

We’re unconcerned with getting this list perfect; it can always be changed later—we just want to record our first impressions.

Pass 1: Layout-level ideas

In this design we have a few layout ideas that stand out right off the bat.

A header with a horizontal nav section

A main content column within the content area—left and right edges align within all sections from header to footer

Sections with two columns

Sections with a single centered column

Sections with a single left-aligned column

A footer with three columns

Fairly generous padding inside each section

First impressions

We should note any other first impressions we have during this first pass, good or bad. We can never have a first impression twice, and some of our gut reactions and questions can be forgotten if we neglect noting them now. Plus, identifying specific stuff that you like in the design can be nice when we get to talking with the designer. It both helps to celebrate the good stuff and mix it in with other constructive criticism.

Our first impressions might be things like:

👍 The design is clean-looking and readable.

👍 The sections are all titled by questions (good, helps draw reader in and gives each section a clear purpose).

🤨 Question marks are used inconsistently in the titles (possibly just an oversight?).

🙋‍♀️ Sometimes there are very similar font sizes right next to each other (may need to follow up to see if this is intentional because it seems a less slick and professional than the rest of the site).

👍 The logo is nice with that little gradient going on.

Pass 2: Element-level ideas

Here are things we might notice in this second pass:

Primary (blue) and Secondary (white) button styles, plus a “Learn more” button in the header with a little arrow (an expanding menu maybe?)

Heading and sub-heading styles

Three “body text” sizes (16px, 18px, 20px)

A “dark-mode” section where text color is white and the background is dark

A consistent presentation of “image & caption” sets

Custom bullet points of various kinds

Inline links in the text are underlined and, other links, like those in the footer, are not.

A repeated card component with an icon on top, and a heading and a list inside the card

The logo repeats a few times in different contexts/sizes.

The footer contains uppercase headings that don’t appear elsewhere.

Pass 3: Color palette

There is not too much going on in this design color-wise.

blue/purple primary color

light/dark body text colors

light/dark link colors

nice gradient under the word “hope” in the logo

light gray background color

dark navy background color

specific red and green “checkmark” and “stop” icon colors

Some design tools let you export the color hex values used in the design file, or even full-on Sass or CSS variable declarations. If you have that option, use it. Otherwise, find your own way to grab those values and name them because those are the foundation for lots of our initial CSS work.

Throughout our CSS and other code, we want to be refer to colors with labels or classes like “primary” and “secondary” that we can reuse throughout the code. This makes it easier to adjust values in the future, and to add themes down the line if we ever need to.

Pass 4: Structural ideas

This is where we might actually name the regions of the page in ways that make sense to us, and identify the hierarchy of the content. We can start to understand the accessibility needs of our implementation by documenting in plain language what we see as the nature and structure of the content in the page. As always, going outside-in, top-to bottom, left-to-right as we make our evaluations.

Focusing on structure helps us figure out the underlying patterns that eventually become our components, and also helps us understand the way we want people who use assistive technology to perceive the content. In turn, that guides us as far as what HTML elements we need to use to write semantic HTML. Semantic HTML speaks to the nature and structure of the content so that it can be perceived correctly by browsers. Browsers use our HTML to create the accessibility tree that assistive tech, like screen readers, uses to present the page. They need a strong outline for that to succeed and semantic HTML provides that solid structure.

This means we need to understand the nature of what’s on the page well enough that we could explain it verbally with no visual support if we had to. From that understanding, we can work backwards to figure out the correct HTML that expresses this understanding via the accessibility tree, which can be inspected in you browser’s developer tools.

Here’s a quick example of the accessibility tree in Chrome if everything on the page is a div, and if elements are correctly chosen to match the nature of the content. Determining the best element choice in a given situation is outside the scope of this post, but suffice it to say that the expressive, non-”generic generic generic” accessibility tree below is entirely created with HTML elements and attributes, and makes the content and its organization much easier for somebody to perceive using assistive technology.

So, in this fourth pass, here are notes we might make:

Top-level structure:

Header

Main Content

Footer

Not so bad for the first top-to-bottom pass. Let’s go a level deeper. We’re still unconcerned with the child inside elements of the sections themselves yet—we want just enough info to label the top level items inside each sections.

Within Header there is:

Within Main Content there is:

Within Footer there is:

Home link

Navigation section

Hero section

Short explainer about the disease itself

Explainer about the treatment

Intro to the trial

Explainer with more details about the trial

Statement about who can join the study

Call-to-action to participate

Short explainer about the company

Logo

Summary Sentence

Some lists of links with titles

Divider

Copyright notice

This pass reveals a few things. First, the Header and Footer sections are pretty shallow and are already revealing raw elements like links and text. Second, the Main section has eight distinct subsections, each with its own topic.

We’re going to do one more pass here and get at some of the deeper details in those sections.

Header home link—Woohoo, it’s just a link and we’re done.

Header nav—This is an expanding hover nav that needs JavaScript to work correctly. There are probably lots of accessible examples to follow, but still will take more time to develop and test than if we were working with raw links.

Hero

Disease Explainer

Treatment Explainer

Trial—Intro

Trial—More Details

“Who Can Join” statement

Call-to-Action

About the Company

Title

Column 1

Column 2

Subtitle (we missed this in the first element-level pass)

Paragraph

Primary button link

Secondary button link

Hero image

Title

Paragraph

Unordered list

Large text

Unordered list

Image and caption (figure and figcaption)

List of links

Title

Column 1

Column 2

Paragraphs

Image and caption (figure and figcaption)

Title

Column 1

Column 2

YouTube Video Player

Paragraphs

Title

Subtitle

Cards (with Icon, Title, and List)

Title

Column 1

Column 2

Paragraph

Unordered list

Paragraph

Unordered list

Title

Paragraph

Secondary button link

Title

Paragraph

Yowza, that got long fast! But now we understand pretty well the kinds of things we need to build, and what parts might be tricky. We also see that there may be some helper components to be built that aren’t quite represented by any one of these sections, for example, a two-column layout component that stacks to one column on mobile and has a title on top, or a generic “section container” component that takes a background and foreground color and provides the right styles plus standardized internal padding.

Incidentally, with this breakdown we’ve done a pretty good job expressing the final accessibility tree we want our HTML to create, so we are well on our way to having the implementation be a smooth experience without a lot of re-work to get accessibility right.

Pass 5: Everything else

What are some other ideas contained in this design, things that stick out, or challenges we notice? Maybe not much, but this is kind of the other side of the “first impressions” notes. Now our heads are filled with context for what it is in the design.

If something stands out now, especially if it’s a question about how something works, capture it. An example is, “Hmm, what is the ‘Learn More’ link in the nav supposed to do?” The answer might be: “It’s a list of links to each section that open when you hover there.” Every now and then, a designer expects that this kind of thing is already implied in the design, even if it is not explicitly documented, and it only comes up at the design review stage after that thing is developed—which is often too late to correct without affecting dates and deadlines.

We should also now look deeply and identify any hidden “glue work”— things like getting our styles in order, handling mobile, configuring the CMS, adding and testing authoring options and arrangements for our building blocks, and adding automated tests. Stuff like that.

At this point, we are ready to nail down exactly what components can be created in the CMS. Maybe we already have some of the basic setup done in the current system from past work. Whatever the case, we have enough to draw on to offer a decent estimate of the work needed, grouped into categories. For example, we might categorize components that:

are already 100% ready (no dev time needed),

exist but need tweaks for this new purpose (predictable dev time needed),

are totally new, but the path is obvious and safe (predictable dev time needed),

are totally new and need some research to implement. Or the design is unclear, or something about it gives you the heebie-jeebies and you need to have discussions with stakeholders. The earlier you can spot this, the better. Talk it over with whoever is running the project.

Now we have enough information to make a reasonable estimate. And more to the point, we’ve reduced the total time the project will take, and limited the trouble we might have along the way, because we’ve gained several advantages from planning it out.

The advantages of having a process

The exact steps we take and what order they are completed in is not the main point. What matters most is understanding the kind of information you need to gather when starting on a project. You might have your own ideas about how the work is done and in what order, whatever works for you is great.

Here are the advantages I’ve realized when assessing a design with a process in mind, compared to just kinda diving in, “getting stuff working,” and handling things as they come up.

As much as we’d like every project to arrive fully formed and perfectly ready to start, in reality, designs often contain assumptions that might be impractical to implement, or contradict something else we care about, like accessibility. In that case, you can assess the whole thing up front and get the conversations started with people who can resolve those issues early in the process. This can happen while you dive into the pieces that are ready to code, and will stop you from bumping into these roadblocks later when you are about to build that part of it. Flagging concerns early is definitely appreciated by the people who need to solve them.

You can be helped by others

Without a plan, it can be difficult to understand how far along you are in completing the project, as well as knowing if you need help meeting a deadline. Even if you do need help and are able to ask for it, it’s tough to use extra helping hands effectively without the work being broken out in to separate little chunks that be easily divided. When you have a plan that makes sense, you can quickly delegate certain tickets, knowing that the jigsaw pieces will fit together in the end.

It’s easy (and common) for a new developer to think think that huge workloads and working around the clock is a good thing. But as you mature in the role, you’ll see that having a deep understanding of the whole picture of a project, or even a single ticket, is more valuable, while creating a better impression that you are “on top of things.” Recognizing early that a timeline doesn’t look right gives you options about how to address it in ways other than trying to be a hero and throwing some weekends at it.

Component architecture flows better

Architectural decisions are the worst for me. Naming components, figuring out where stuff should live, which components need to talk to each other, where to break stuff up into smaller components. A lot of those choices only make sense when we look at the bigger picture and think about all various ways that certain elements might be used by visitors and content creators. And a lot of these choices are marginal—choosing the “best” option between two acceptable solutions can be a huge time suck or completely subjective.

Have a process helps with that because you are going to get all, or most, of the information you need about the designs before digging deeply into the development work. For me, figuring out what pieces I need to make, and figuring out the best possible code to make those pieces, are two different things. Sometimes what I need is not the thing that comes most naturally from the code. And sometimes, after learning a bit about what is needed, I can avoid time spent bikeshedding marginal decisions because it’s more clear which decisions truly don’t matter.

You still learn new things as you write the code, of course, but you’re now better prepared to handle those things when they pop up. You even have a good idea about the kinds of that might present themselves.

Styles make more sense

As you plan the work, you can truly figure out which styles are global, which are section-specific, which are or component-specific, and which are one-off exceptions. If you don’t already have a system you like for this, Andy Bell’s Cube CSS pairs very well with the kind of breakdown I’m talking about. Here’s a video of Andy working through an example with Chris Coyier that you can check out for more about this approach.

Accessibility starts early in the process

This one is huge for me. By really understanding the ideas contained in the design, you will have an easier time picking semantic HTML elements and finding appropriate accessible patterns to build out what you see there. Accessibility can work its way into the daily work you do, rather than an afterthought or extra burden. Our perspective becomes that high-quality front-end code correctly expresses the nature and structure of its content to all users, and accessibility is how we measure that.

After a pretty short period, you’ll see how often designs conform to one known pattern or another, and the flow of breaking something down into known patterns to implement will speed up dramatically. Carie Fisher nicely sums up ideas related to this “Accessibility-first” approach.

Wrapping up

Like I said at the start, a lot of this falls under on-the-job training, the “oral tradition” of web development. It’s the kind of stuff you might hear from a senior developer on your team as you’re getting started in your first front-end role. I’m sure lots of people would have different priorities than I do and recommend a slightly different process. I also know for sure that a lot of folks out there work in situations without a solid process in place, and no one senior to consult.

If you are in that situation, or not yet in your first role, I hope this gives you a baseline you can relate to when you think about how to do the job. Ideally the job is not just diving in and putting stuff in divs until things look “right” but that is often our mode of operation. We are eager to make progress and see results.

I’m very grateful that I did have somebody working with me at my first development job who showed me how to split up pieces of a design and estimate work for large, long-term projects. That’s what inspired me to start thinking about this and—as I began supervising other developers and teams—thinking about how I wanted to adapt the process and make it my own. I also realized it wasn’t something I’d noticed people talking much about when teaching technical skills about using a particular language. So thanks, Nate!

Thanks also to Drew Clements and Nerando Johnson for providing early feedback on this post. You are the best.

[buildingthetreehouse]

PLAY

Play was the literacy that I expected to use the most coming into the project. Jenkins describes play as “the capacity to experiment with one’s surroundings as a form of problem-solving” (2006). I was able to latch onto the concept of this literacy fairly easily; to me, it literally involves “playing around” in the environment and seeing what happens, while being open to the possibility of failure and what we can learn from it. 

 When I first came into Minecraft, I expected that the game would offer some sort of a tutorial – most games do! Instead, I found myself dropped into the blocky little world without any indication of controls, game mechanics, or goals. This meant that my first day in Minecraft involved a lot of play as I tested out how the game worked. 

 For example: what happens when I fall off a cliff? This happened a lot, both deliberately and not so deliberately. As it turns out, falling off a cliff hurts, reducing your health bar depending on how steep of a drop you fell from. Who could have guessed! 

 Minecraft itself seems to really encourage the play literacy in particular. As I interacted with my environment, testing out the key commands and their effects on the world around me, the game offered new “recipes”, allowing me to build tools that would improve my experience. This of course is directly related to the absence of a tutorial. Without a set of instructions, the game is essentially forcing you to interact with it to progress, and to take challenges as they come. 

Pictured above: one of many, many deaths 

This meant that for the first little while I died… a lot. Often times I would spend hours collecting resources or attempting to travel to the group meeting point only to be ambushed by enemies when night fell. I turned to forum posts and how-to articles, searching for tips to survive through the night. Most suggested digging a hole or crafting a bed to wait things out, but no matter how hard I tried, I could not seem to work fast enough to make these strategies work. If I made myself a fort, a Creeper inevitably blew it up. If I dug a hole to take cover in, it just meant I was trapped when a spider found me. I could not seem to find a sheep in order to craft a bed – necessary for skipping over the night. 

Pictured above: An unsuccessful attempt to survive by hiding in a hole - note my already depleted health bar

 This was initially frustrating, it forced me to re-evaluate my strategy. Eventually I figured out that when I disconnected from the server, in-game time continued to pass. It was an epiphany! The next time the sun began to set, I simply logged out of the game and waited, checking back every few minutes to see if night had switched to day. 

In his paper on gaming literacy, Zimmerman argues that the meaning of “gaming” is twofold: it applies both to the act of playing the video game, but also to the act of bending rules or cheating the system (2013). By skipping over the night then, I was “gaming” the server’s day/night system… and although I probably would have eventually built up enough skill to progress the “right” way, that little cheat really contributed to my enjoyment and my success. 

This experience supports Zimmerman’s own definition of play as a gaming literacy, wherein he specifically references breaking and bending rules to play WITH the structure of the game (Zimmerman, 2013). I would agree that the ability to “game” the system is an important aspect of gaming literacy, and I would also argue that it ties directly into Jenkins’ play concept as well. 

After all, the process went something like this: 

That follows Jenkins’ definition of play almost to the letter!

These are just a few examples of how I used play throughout the game. Since Minecraft was a new game for me, MOST of my experience over two weeks could fall into this category, from craft, to travelling, to building – but to recap every task completed over the entire two weeks would become redundant. What really matters is that I came out of the game with a stronger fluency in play, and an understanding of how it exists in a wider context of digital literacy.

For example, my experimentation and subsequent problem solving directly informed me about Minecraft’s world system, another of Zimmerman’s gaming concepts. Through play, I learned about the game’s rules, the tools available to me and how to use them, and the world build itself (ie: the travelling merchant). All of these aspects come together to form the game’s unique system. Contrary to my original hypothesis, it was not enough that I was fluent in a different game’s system, as I thought it would be. Although there’s some overlap in goals and window dressing between Minecraft and Animal Crossing, the two systems are vastly different. Unlike Animal Crossing, Minecraft provides no guiding hand to its players. Even when the goals align (use tools to collect resources, use resources to craft customizations for your environment), Minecraft is decidedly less structured, leaving the player to fend for themselves in an environment that is oftentimes hostile.

Pictured above: Animal Crossing offers clear instructions to new players and provides NPC support, contrary to Minecraft’s “fend for yourself” system. Image reposted from Animal Crossing World, 2020 

This was a valuable lesson, and one that I believe is broadly applicable. It isn’t enough to have an abstract idea of a problem or environment. To really understand what you’re dealing with (the system and/or a problem), you need to be able to get your hands dirty. Sometimes that means failing multiple times before you get it right, sometimes it means trying something out just to see what happens.

A recent example of this skill carrying over is the creation of this blog! While attempting to complete this Critical Unit Assignment, I kept finding myself getting stuck – I was unhappy with my writing, didn’t feel like I was communicating clearly, and was becoming uninspired. Looking back over the assignment instructions, I realized that there were a million formats I hadn’t even considered trying. So, I started experimenting…. I wrote out my main points in bullet form and transferred them into power point. Then I tried rewriting with a more casual tone. That felt better – I was unstuck! Once I had settled on the blog format, I was able to experiment with the more creative aspects of it by searching up layout templates and tweaking the HTML of them. Although this was a different version of play than the one in Minecraft, the concept remained the same. I was able to successfully carry the play literacy over to a different environment.