#and even thinking about characters kissing or holding hands starts to give me the ick

[soloisfine]

It's a little annoying how I will be thinking about otp being deeply in love with each other, having the time of my life, then bam! Allergic to romance in all forms.

[xshybutdeadlyx]

Questions for the demiromantic and demisexuals out there

Ok, so I've recently found this term thanks to an aroace character from a show I watched. I knew of the sexuality but I didn't really know the specifics because I always thought I was bi but now looking into it I didn't know how aroace was like a literal umbrella and there was so much more to it then meets the eye. Which I'm 30 I feel like I should know more than what I do. But with doing research into it trying to understand it better, I learned about all the terms, and I learned about demiromantic and demisexual and it really resonated with me. But I wanted to ask for advice, I guess? Like I like romance I love reading it seeing art and what have you but when it comes to romance for myself I'm not a big fan? And maybe it's because I literally have to unlearn so much romance equals a, b, and c when that's not really true. I literally been in only one relationship in my life and it consisted of hand holding small kisses (no tongue, honestly I have an ick with spit and the only reason I "wanted" to do deeper kisses with the boyfriend I had at the time was because I felt like it was a requirement) but I honestly didn't feel attraction towards him until after getting to know him and being friends with him for months well into almost a year. And he's the only one I ever felt that way for I hardly ever had crushes or when I did I almost kinda forced myself into having them if that makes sense? It was "natural," and every kid was supposed to have crushes. Nothing ever came from the "crushes" though.

Now, like I said, I'm well into my 30s, and the relationship I just mentioned was the only relationship romantic wise I've ever had. I have had strong feelings for two of the friends I have but one friend is straight as they come and the other is married lol the one that is married though we have a strong bond that I wouldn't trade anything for. She tickles my hand, and she lets me cuddle her all the time, and we just spend nights just playing games together, just like when we were in high school. I love her so damn much, and I'll cherish what we have even when we are both dead and gone. She is my forever person.

Sorry, I went into a mini rant about my platonic love, but she's the best, and when I start talking about her, I have to gush lol, but anyways back to my sexuality crisis

So anyways, when there is even a chance of someone having an interest in me, I honestly kind of freak out. Or like if someone tries to set me up with someone, red neon flashing warning signs pop up for me. I don't know that person, and honestly, I get put off by big romantic gestures. Like, I appreciate it, but I don't think it's necessary? Can we just go get McDonald's, sit in the parking lot, and just shoot the shit? Play some games? We can watch movies or shows too.

I've also been on the dating websites and such as well, and I'm just always immediately put off. "Hello beautiful," ugh. "Insert pickup line here." please God why. "Unsolicited romantic or sexual advances right after a day of talking." Haha, no. There was literally one guy I thought was cool and we kinda flirted but it was really just talking everyday about the games we were playing I feel like if given time a connection could of been built but he ended up finding someone else immediately. Which honestly was fine I was kinda bummed but like if he wanted romance immediately, I wasn't gonna be giving that to him. I wanted to still be friends, but apparently, we had "too much history," so he ended up blocking me. lol oh well.

I've also literally only have had two "crushes" in like in a 5 year time span (only because this is what I can remember lol) one of em was so goofy and seemed so fun but then it seems like they turned out to be very self absorbed instantly done the other had baby mama drama wasn't into that. Honestly, those things seem to be things that could be worked through? Maybe? But once I just see something off-putting, it's all I see, which seems more like a personal thing because of past traumas.

As of now I'm honestly content with no romantic relationship but I feel like I do want one but I don't want one with just anyone and it just doesn't seem like many people out there are willing to wait or willing to be friends first and want to hop into relationships immediately when I very much don't. It takes me a while to be comfortable with people, and I want to get to know them as a person.

For a long time I felt like I just wasn't doing things right or that I had to actually change something that I was doing. I thought I was wrong or that I should just force myself into the uncomfortable situation of being someone's girlfriend immediately but then if it turns out I just don't have those romantic feelings then there the whole process of hurting them which is just anxiety inducting.

Also, with all that I'm saying, it does go into the demisexual portion, too. I've still never been with someone sexually because even in the one relationship I have had, I haven't met someone I've trusted to give myself to. The thought of one night stands or anything of the like just makes me wanna crawl into myself. I don't mind anything sexual but I want to be with someone sexually that I trust and care about with my whole being, not some dude Craig or some chick Wendy from Tinder. I'm content with that, but a lot of the times, I'm almost made to feel bad because I haven't done anything sexual. But boy, can I read all the smut on Ao3. Like it all in theory, but dunno about in practice lol I just don't have much of a drive in general, but I don't know if that's just because I've never been with anyone before? I keep getting told, "As soon as you're with someone, your sex drive changes," and like, does that shit really happen? Lol

All in all, I really feel connected to the terms demiromantic and demisexual. Even when I just said I'm bi, it just never felt right, but for once, I feel like I finally found something that I felt connected to and finally found me. But I guess I also wanna feel like I'm right in assuming so? I dunno I feel like it'd be disrespectful in using a label that isn't really you? Which doesn't sound right because everyone has the right to find themselves, and sometimes people go through a list until they finally find themselves, which is what's happening to me right now. But my feelings also just get jumbled up and I have a hard time distinguishing what's been conditioned in me, like how you date, you get into a relationship, ya do couple things, then you get married ect. When all I wanna do is get to know you, really know you, then actually date but even then I feel like a lot of my stuff is more on the platonic end? Like, I like cuddling and kissing, and I do like romance but on a more tame level? I kick my feet when reading "he bought her all these extravagant gifts then he swept her off her feet and dipped her into a kiss" so cute but like if I was actually in that situation like bro put me down for real and I'm so awkward when given gifts lol

I dunno I'd just would really like to discuss this with others who have found themselves because I don't really have anyone else to talk to about this. I've talked to my friends and they of course support me and love me but I feel like they don't really get it? And my family just chalks it up to " Ya just don't have a lot of experience it'll all change when ya get out there and mingle with people"

Thanks in advance for reading all this if ya made it this far I know it's a lot of word vomit as I like to call it but I don't have very organized thoughts and I just kinda write what I'm thinking in the moment lol

[alexandraisyes]

joining in on ranting in you're ask box part- uh- idk 3?? 4??? I dont even know anymore

Anyway, *cough* i think still have some of these left (edit: I just finished typing this all out and think is defiently an understatement-)

SolarNexus: Solar just goes off on Moon for how much he hates Nexus. Thats all I have for that. I'm sorry im this close to forcing myself to start writing fanfiction again just to write this. Also for my true loves kiss saves Nexus idea- and just to write about Nexus finding who he is instead of who he's supposed to be. .... can you tell i think about these two a lot? (Edit: I prove later that I think about them even more, and Eclipse)

BloodySun: I'm like feral for these two- just, like- Bloodmoon giving dead birds and stuff to Sun and he's absolutley digusted but trying not to hurt their feelings- i- ansusnhas

Servant Sun x Servant Eclipse: I've seen like 1 ship fic with these two but I dont care. I'm obsessed. They need to hold hands and heal and go to therapy together. Obviously Eclipse would defiently be able to help Sun more (cause lord Eclipse), but Sun could defiently help Eclipse too. (Is Eclipse faking losing his memories/being reset or some shit canon? I've read too much fanfiction- im going to assume it is for this) he can also help Eclipse learn that he doesn't have to be fake all the time and thatd be cute

Nexus x Dark Sun: I dont even have thoughts about this. Like I have feelings but I dont have thoughts. I cant even reason why I like this, I just like the toxic yaoi. I just like the concept of Dark Sun not even liking Nexus but manipulating him- like- Moon turned bad x biggest moon hater. I also just like hurting Nexus so other characters can help him heal. Only thing turning me off from this ship is that its an alternate universe of his ex-brother who would most likely be his brother again if he had a redemption arc. Like- I love seeing the ship and I like the concept just it gives me the ick, but thats okay cause I dong have to rot over every ship. Actually, I'm glad I'm not obsessed with this ship I dont need more angst living in my brain. ... I am obsessed with it in a platonic sense tho so I guess the angst is in my brain anyway

Nexus x Eclipse but its when they were looking for who made Eclipse: Nexus abolutley collared him. Im sorry. .. no im not, im right. Like, what is with Nexus and treating others like dogs??? Like first v4 Eclipse, and now Ruin??? Nexus is there anything you want to tell us??? Okay pet play- also doing that to the masochist is crazy, like if you're going to treat anyone like a dog why would it be Ruin that feels like setting yourself up for disaster. Even if he isn't actually a masochist he sure is known for pretending to be one

Nexus x any Eclipse ever: listen, im just saying I think he has a thing for Eclipse's (which is funny cause Moon fucking hates them) Treating Eclipse and Ruin like his dogs. Solar being his best friend. Even Dark Sun, who's a really smart Evil Sun who absorbed the knowledge of his Moon, so im counting him. Like I think Nexus would like being thrown around by Lord Eclipse, or helping to fix up Servant Eclipse. I'm just saying-

Eclipse ² x Nexus (gets its own section i rot about these three): them just reassuring the other's that they're loved and cared for- im sorry you can't tell me that these three don't all have some form of attachment issues- Eclipse being so used to people hating him that he kind of just instinctively pushes people away. Similar with Solar, but he does it more so emotionally while also feeling like he has to earn his place and do things for people. And Nexus also feels like he has to prove himself, and that he isn't good enough.

And they just reassure each other and then the others use their words against him (/pos) and they realize how stupid it sounds and anisnsusnsns <3<3 like- nexus being like "you don't have to prove yourself for anyone, Solar. We love you, you don't need to overwork yourself for us." And, like- solar saying it to him back- and Nexus is just like ".. okay listen-" and similar things happening with the other two and ensunsjss-

also they're the three worst at interaction (other than old Moon he takes the cake for worst at it, but its okay i love it)- like they're all pretty bad at it. Eclipse is Eclipse(aka memories as a villain, and is a sarcastic little shit), Nexus is just kind of awkward, and cmon Solar didn't really ever have any interaction after his split than his Moon and probaly kids, we know he can't talk to people easily. Honestly tho Solar is the best at it (he was able to start up a conversation with Moon easier than Moon could with him) and I imagine he's the one who orders at restaurants

And Moon hates both of Solar's boyfriends and Moon and Solar are friends and I think that's just kind of funny. Like Moon likes Solar so he doesn't stop being friends with him even though he's dating the two, but he's bitter about it (though honestly if Nexus had a redemption arc and it was proved he had a virus, I feel like Moon would hate him a little less. But he'd probaly still be insecure about Nexus probaly taking his place and everyone not really liking Moon again so he'd probaly still be an ass to him.)

Anyway they cuddle. Doesn't even have to be romantic, those three deserve to be in love (also the potential from forbidden love Eclipse² is Nausnsusnsn)

... I- shipping dynamics are neat

I apologize for making this so long, I expected it to be short and then I remembered I started to like new ships 😔

ALSO were being brave and doing this off anon (also id like you to know I genuinely just stared at my phone for a moment when I saw youd followed me lmao. I was so suprised [and delighted, you're neat]- plus it was like 4 am and I hadn't slept yet. I thought it was a dream the next day because I was that tired- I had to check cause i get very vivid dreams-)

All of these are so canon bro.

Solar saves Nexus with true loves kiss real? Real. I saw it with my own two eyes. It happened chat.

BLOODYSUN!!! They love their sunny and try to show that in the best way they know how, dead birds included. Sun is so grossed out by the blood and feathers and ough that's a dead bird ewww but he just forces a smile and nods and feeds it to his cats when Bloodmoon isn't looking. Then drowns his hands with soap and shampoos the carpet.

I feel like I've seen that fic too but my poor brain- Also yes, the pretending to be reset is canon. And that's so cute I'm-

Platonic ships are just as valid as romantic ones! And I really like the angst potential too heheheheh

Ayo 👀 Mmm I have thoughts about that but I must refrain.

Objectively correct. Nexus is an eclipsephile. He loves himself some eclipse.

POLY POLY POLY 🎉🎉🎉

THANK YOU FOR SHARING ALL OF YOUR THOUGHTS THESE ARE SO TASTY OH MY GOD ROLLING THESE AROUND IN MY BRAIN

Also awww ur so sweet. I love ur art! It's very cute! Of course I followed!

Ask Game

[berryless]

Lovesong

GN!Monster x AFAB!Human (Fluff, PG || 1.5k words || First Person POV, Established Relationship, Confession, should it be tagged as body horror when no horror is happening, but the monster counterpart is consistently breaking their human disguise, super sweet and short one-shot about original characters who don't really have names)

Read this work on Archive of Our Own.

"I love you," I blurt out, and the confession gets smudged by the laughter it tears out of me, the kind of satisfied, almost relieved chuckling when you get something heavy out of your chest, except it's light, and sweet, and…

D doesn't answer, but I never expected they would.

Those were my words to say, my feelings to confess, not theirs. I love them, and I want them to know that. That's all there is to it, really. Just them knowing they're loved.

I nuzzle into their cheek, smudging the echo of my words between us like cream, and it sinks into our skin, into our blood, becoming a part of what we are.

Then D whips out their phone, checking the app that tracks my cycle.

"You're not ovulating," they say very seriously, while I can only blink stupidly, not quite believing they're doing that right now.

But soon it clicks.

"You don't think I just thought of that because I'm horny, do you?"

D doesn't answer.

I heave an exasperated sigh, tugging on their cheek with force that would make a human scream, but D doesn't even flinch, because 'human' is something so far removed from them, they can only pretend to look similar, and even then not entirely.

"Dear, it's not a spontaneous thought. It's been some days since I started to think about it, I was just waiting for the moment to say it when it would feel right."

D puts the phone away.

"You don't have to answer. I just wanted to say it, okay?"

I want to say it again, but this time the words get stuck in my throat, scared to come out. That doesn't surprise me: I too would be scared to come out if the person I existed for wouldn't believe I'm real.

If I'm being honest, it kinda stings. But, then again, what should one expect when they're in love with an entity so foreign to their kind it blames your feelings on your human biology (the most upsetting part is—they're right, like, ninety percent of the time, and nearly all of my feelings go away after a good meal, a deep sleep, or a session of reassuring cuddling. I hate it here (I'm lying.))

D takes my hand in theirs, squeezing and rubbing it silently, intertwining our fingers. Their touch is stable and measured, never tipping over the line that would turn it to painful. For others they barely put any strength in the contact, but I cannot stand being tickled, even with the best intentions, so it took a lot of trial and error for D to learn how to touch me without giving me an ick or a bruise.

Unless I ask for those bruises.

Sometimes I do.

"Just because I don't expect you to say it back, doesn't mean I don't want to hear anything from you at all."

"…I don't know what to say."

"A thank you will suffice."

"Isn't 'thank you' used as an insult or a rejection in such context?"

"Sometimes. I don't mind hearing it, though. I put a lot of thought into this one, and need my hard work properly appreciated."

"…Thank you."

"Yep, yep. Keep 'em coming. I don't feel appreciated enough."

D gives me a long poignant look reserved for the times I'm being a brat, and then they scoop me into a hug. More hands touch me when it's appropriate for a human to have, but soon they're gone, and only two of them remain in place, holding me close.

"Thank you," D says again, their whisper kissing my temple together with their lips, and I shut my eyes, enjoying its gentleness.

"I love you."

This time nothing blocks them, and the words slip out with practiced ease.

In a sense, they are practiced. Well trained, one might say. There are plenty of people who heard them from me, friends, and family, and even strangers who somehow managed to shake my soul with the things they made without even knowing about my existence.

Not in a way I use them for D, though.

When it comes to romance, those words are still fresh and new for me, hence the previous hiccup. Doesn't matter: I'm gonna have plenty of chances to practice.

D stiffens first, then hugs me closer.

This time they don't thank me, and when I raise my head, I catch them speaking without words. Their mouth moves, but no sound comes out.

The shape of it is pretty obvious, though.

The worries and the fears I previously ignored melt at this sight.

"You don't have to say it back," I remind them, but still kiss the corner of their lips, stealing away a taste of those unvoiced feelings.

It's really sweet.

"But it's important. You're important," D says seriously, frowning.

I almost break out in purring. I don't do that only because living with a cat for half of my life taught me I'm horrible at it.

"I am," I agree, hugging their neck. "That's why you can only say them when you actually mean it. Like I do. I love you."

Repeated wielding dabs down some of their luster, but the words are still nice to say, even if they don't hold as much feelings as they did for the first time.

"You think I can't mean them?" D asks grimly.

Their tone is somewhat wrong, though I cannot put a finger as to why exactly. Just wrong—in a way that gets immediately clocked by my brain as 'dangerous', 'roll back the action', 'remember, you cannot exist in the presence of even one person mildly displeased with you', 'if you piss them off, it's going to take forever to mend the relationship', 'did you hurt them? never expected anything less from you, who else can turn their confession into an emotional crime scene, phooey', 'hurry up and say something nice, hurry, hurry, HURRY!!!'

"Of course you can! Just…give them some time to settle down? Don't push yourself, okay?"

D may not notice the emotional charge of my words, but they still clock me out instantly just by physical signs alone: their whole demeanor changes so visibly, I can see it happening, even though I'm not the best at reading people's faces. Especially when they only pretend to be people.

"I scared you," they sigh, pulling me against their chest. The sound that comes from it is similar to the one you hear when listening to an empty conch—the echo of the endless sea sighing the air of aeons into your ear, the sound of something that existed long before you, and will continue to exist long after you, but still it shares the moment of their eternity with you, privately, like a candy behind everyone else's back, don't tell anyone, I only have one, and I give it to you.

It calms me down, soothing the tremors I haven't even noticed.

"It's not you. It's…" I shake my hand in unspecified gesture I generally use to refer to my trauma when I have no energy to put it into words. I rarely do. Deep emotionally charged conversations dry me up like a jellyfish out of water: rotten and stinking for hours on end. I can only display my heart cracks in passing comments or joke about them, otherwise they start bleeding tears, and I have a million issues with those.

In any case, there's plenty of things wrong with me without an additional of supernatural significant other, who can read my moods like an open book and cannot say back 'I love you'.

More than two hands touch me: rubbing my head, and my back, and my thighs as I listen to the sound of the sea that comes from D's chest, lulling myself back into relative calm.

"Hum something," I ask, closing my eyes. "Please?"

They obey without asking why. Their ethereal warm voice wraps me into another level of hugs, weaving into a pulsing living harmony of multiple mouths singing at varying pitch—maybe there are more than just one, I can't see it. It clings close to my skin, seeping through it to soothe the ache in my insides. This is the song without lyrics, but it has all the meaning: the same as three words I repeat.

"I love you," I say again, barely opening my mouth, and the sound so quiet I'm not sure I really said that, or just thought about it and forgot to actually spell the words.

It doesn't matter, though.

I know. D knows.

We both can feel it.

Even if we don't say it exactly the same.

[chiibinomonodamon]

Let’s Clear Up Some Misunderstandings about ZackRay, SHALL WE?

Yes, I think we shall......due to all this idiotic discourse going on here.

*Note: I cannot speak for ALL ZackRays but I do believe from my interaction with many of them, they have similar feels. What I’m posting here however? This is coming from my own personal feelings.

1. “Shipping ZackRay means you support pedophilia.”

A: F*CKING NOPE....first of all, let’s get into what “shipping ZackRay” means, for me, okay....

Yes, I ship ZackRay. I referred to it as a Platonic Until Legal Love”. Which seemed to give people the misconception that “it’s waiting for a child to turn 18 so they can consent to sex”.

THAT IS NOT WHAT I MEANT.

Perhaps that was a very poor choice of words. Ugh. So let me explain in more detail:

I feel that Zack’s feelings for Rachael will remain platonic until she grows older and then it is possible for romantic feelings to be slowly realized over time.

Because let’s get one thing straight; I don’t think we can deny:

Issac Foster is not able to recognize what love actually is, even by the end of the series. Nobody has taught him this. He’s not emotionally mature enough to understand it. Yes, I think he feels it towards Ray subconsciously. He feels something. He knows he cares for her in a “I would be glad if you did not die/ I don’t think I can live without you” kind of way. But he hasn’t thought of it outside of that. Therefore, if he is not aware of a romantic attachment, he can’t really act on it, which cancels out (God forbid) any type of sexual feelings he would have towards her. Which cancels out “waiting until she’s legal”. Which I agree, is messed up. Ick. Btw I hate Usagi Drop’s ending. A lot.

So if you’re under the impression that I’m expecting Zack and Ray to suddenly start making out right after the last scene, uh NOPE, I’m not. What I ship...(what a lot of people ship) are those possibilities far....FAR....into the future where Zack eventually understands that Ray is the only person he wants to be with....for the rest of his life. Period. And what exactly is wrong with two consenting adults agreeing to be with each other? That’s right.

NO-THING.

It’s not wrong just because he knew her when she was a young teenager. He was not looking at her in that way. She was simply important to him as a person. And if she were to try to kiss him or something while she was young, his response would likely be “WTF ARE U DOIN”. An appropriate one, yes. XD

I was ALSO referring to my own feelings when talking about PULL. In other words, I don’t really approve of sexual ZackRay content unless she is portrayed as an adult. Mmkay....moving on.

2. “ZackRay shippers look for porn of the ship while Ray is still a child”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. THAT IS GROSS. NO THANKS, I REJECT.

3. “ZackRay shippers think adults being with kids IRL is okay.”

..........whatisthisIdon’teven.

Hey, is Zack your favorite character? Yeah? THEN YOU MUST THINK SERIAL KILLERS IRL ARE REALLY COOL!!! YOU WANT TO BE ONE, RIGHT? KILLING PEOPLE IS GONNA BE YOUR HOBBY TOO, RIGHT?

..........uh......see how idiotic that sounds? Don’t you just love being accused of that shit? Yeah, it’s really fun, isn’t it?

4. “ZackRay shippers are horrible, spiteful people who attack antis for disliking their ship”

Okay, there is a difference between “disliking a ship” and “opening attacking strangers online”. You don’t like our ship? Fine, I can respect that. Let us go our separate ways and not speak of this matter again.

DON’T.

GO.

LOOKING.

FOR.

FIGHTS.

Don’t call people out on social media posts. Don’t reblog their posts and publicly ridicule them. Don’t reblog their art and insult it. Don’t mention their names, don’t bully them, don’t TRY TO GET OTHERS TO BULLY THEM. This is sick. This is just wrong. I have recently found out that kids under 18 do in fact ship ZackRay. Which means when you attack, stalk, and harass them on tumblr, YOU COULD BE EMOTIONALLY HURTING A CHILD. Ironic for all the antis going “PROTECT TEH CHILDREEEEENZ!” Yes, protect them from your toxic attitude, how about?

5. “ZackRay shippers create content that is harmful because pedos can use it to groom children.”

And the antis seem to be under the delusion that they are SUCH special snowflakes because they were groomed this way; no guess what, ZackRays are also humans (despite what you may think) and have fallen victim to the same shit. Also, news flash, anything can be used as a grooming tool. YES, ANYTHING. And there are WAAAAAAAAAAAAAY more harmful ships out there (THAT ARE CANON) than ZackRay. I’ve been an anime fan for a long ass time. You think I don’t know about all the lolicon kiddie porn? You think I don’t know about Boku No Pico? THAT’S the shit you should be worried about kids and pedos finding. Not that I think fiction is really going to increase child rape crimes. If someone is intent on harming a child, they will. Reading or seeing fanart online isn’t going to influence that. They have a psychological disorder, unnatural addiction, and a lack of morals. These issues are rooted far deeper than just seeing stuff online. Getting rid of that stuff will change literally nothing. The only way a pedophile can change is to get professional help. And schmucks ranting online about how fans shipping is bad is NOT professional help. It’s certainly a professional waste of time.

6. “If shipping ZackRay is a groomed victim’s way of coping with that trauma, that’s unhealthy.”

STOP.

Are you a psychiatrist? Are you an expert in dealing with rape victims? Have you examined this individual you are criticizing?

No?

Then f*ck off. Every person is different. Every story is different. This is a stranger on the internet; who the f*ck are YOU to tell them “that coping method is unhealthy”? You don’t know their life story. You don’t know what works for them. Do you think everyone with anxiety copes with it the exact same way? Depression? Eating disorders? I happen to have an anxiety disorder, myself. Recently a friend of mine informed me that she was also diagnosed with one. I told her my symptoms and I told her what I did when I got an attack.

Guess what?

What she experiences and what I experience are as different as f*cking night and day. I was trying to be a helpful friend but it turns out I was not able to help her at all. I thought I could because I thought I was experienced. But I’m not. It was a real eye-opener.

So don’t generalize people that way. You know nothing about what they went through. Get off your f*cking high horse.

Conclusion: These six misconceptions were the most problematic ones I can think of. Now some Q and A:

Do you draw NSFW ZackRay?

No.

Will you reblog it?

No.

Do you write NSFW fanfics?

No. I’m really not into sexual stuff at all and would be terrible at writing it.

Do you support people who do?

People have the right to draw and write whatever tf they want. Censorship is bad. Just don’t harm anyone IRL. Please.

Where do you draw the line at romantic ZackRay content YOU draw, write, or reblog?

Cuddling, chaste kissing, hand-holding; absolutely nothing worse than what you’d see in a Disney movie. Romance-wise. I got nothing against Zack swearing like a sailor the way he always does. xD

Do you ship ZackRay because of their ages?

*bangs head on wall*

No, I ship them because of who they are as individuals and how they act when they are together.....you know, like a normal person.

Thanks for reading my long-ass rants.

Feel free to PM me, ask more questions, send me hate mail, whatever. I’ll probably just print out your hate mail and use it as toilet paper though...if I didn’t already block your ass. :’D

[douxreviews]

The 100 - ‘The Children of Gabriel’ Review

"Hell is big enough for both of us."

Cults and killer borders and anti-poisonous snakes and poison flowers. With Clarke thrown back into diplomacy, what could go wrong?

I'm enjoying watching everyone try to live up to Monty and Harper's final wish and what it means to each of them individually and as a group. In their honor, let's start with Jordan who very weirdly handled his first kiss remarkably better than most people that aren't new to interpersonal relationships. We all saw Delilah's double cross coming, right? But he was just too overtaken by hormones and human interaction to see the signs. Poor Jordan felt so obviously terrible when Clarke pointed out his mistakes. You could see how disappointed he was with himself for letting his friends parents friends down. But how was he to know the danger that people can pose? How can we honestly hold him to the same standard as everyone else. Hand served as a fresh perspective for us. A fresh set of eyes but because of who is parents are, he isn't an outsider like the criminals in cryowhateversleep or even Diyoza. And how great was it watching Clarke desperately try to convince these people that she won't go homicidal vigilante on them?? She hasn't at all lost her touch when it comes to this diplomacy thing. Impressively, she didn't lie. She didn't say that she regrets it or that she wouldn't make the same choices again and she saved Delilah to boot.

I remember Clarke being immediately suspicious of the mountain men. Does that mean that her instincts tell her that these people can be trusted? Or is it all survival instinct stuff like she's giving them the benefit of the doubt because she needs their help? Or maybe she's secretly claustrophobic and being locked underground played a part in the anxiety she felt in the mountain. They are painstakingly setting up these moon people to be another mountain men situation. I mean, just look at that alliteration. Coincidence? The real shock would be if Russell and friends turned out to be the good guys that Abby's been talking about all these years, but we are staring straight down the barrel of human sacrifice, aren't we? Ick.

I wonder what Monty would think about Bellamy kicking Octavia to the curb. I think letting a sociopath into an unsuspecting population isn't the kind of good guy action that Monty wanted but abandoning his sister has got to take a toll. If Octavia were repentant would he be able to move past it?? Was her inability to follow orders to take the peaceful path the straw that broke Bellamys back?? I think so. I think he was full of resentment and anger but would have seen a way to move forward if she didn't prove, again, that she is the same girl that crawled out of the bunker. Bob Morley's tears haunt me forever.

And if that didn't break your heart, there was Murphy's open horror and self-hatred at what he has done in the name of survival, landing him in what he describes as hell. Come on Murph, you've come so far. Remember how you saved Bellamy and Clarke last week? Chin up. Someone hug this kid! TPTB better have a damn good reason for subduing this character. Otherwise, it's just cruel. Did they need him to be more susceptible to Russell? Is there a melancholy character quota that we need to hit every season??

There should be a section talking about the new environment and people but all I really have are questions still.

- Did they decide to let Clarke stay because they lost the 'host' Rose? - What is a host? Are we gonna have to watch more microchip implantations? - What are the odds that Russell is a good guy? That the primes are what they seem to be? That these people are good? - Evil trees. Evil trees?? - Sanctum is run by four primes. I can't tell you how infuriating it is that it isn't a prime number of primes. Maybe that'll be part of the sales pitch to give Clarke a seat at the table. - What happened between Gabriel and Russell? - Is Russell the old man that Xavier and his friends were referring to? He can't still be alive right?? Maybe the fallout was recent?

This was good but I wasn't absolutely enthralled. A little exposition heavy. What is that?? 2.5 out of 4 pink party dresses??

Bits and pieces

Are Gabriel's children the new reavers?? At least they don't seem like zombies or particularly cannibalistic. In other callbacks, Octavia is separated from her people again and in with the outsiders. Similar to the time she spent with Lincoln and later with Indra training as a warrior. Also, the leader of the mountain was a little creepy about his art collection. Russell's dog is named Picasso. Come. The freak. On.

Echo continues to be the most impressive and levelheaded. She's quickly climbing the ranks to one of my favorite characters.

Tai chi is big on this moon. Is it mandatory??

The gang put up a minimal fight in saving Diyoza from exile. I wonder who they'd have to kick out to elicit a real outrage??

Please give Raven something to do.

I love that Bellamy publicly confirmed his trust in Clarke's leadership. But he isn't trying to strong arm Murphy or Raven into forgiveness either.

Russell: "It's too late. He's dead. Fortunately for him, death is not the end."

Murphy: "I saw something. I felt something. I'm pretty sure I'm going to hell."

Russell: "Are you the leader of your people or not?" Bellamy: "She is. She can speak for us."

Murphy: "Back in your murder gear already. That's a good sign."

Laure Mack

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

I saw:

Wonder Woman- I admit I was almost nervous about seeing this film.

 Wonder Woman was a key figure in my childhood. I had the Ms Magazine book reprinting golden age Wonder Woman comics, held together with packing tape from my carrying it everywhere, that I read and reread. My best friend and I got in the sort of heated debates only five or six get in over what Wonder Woman’s starting pose for “bullets and bracelets” should be. My best friend going with the then running tv show’s crossed wrists seemed silly when you gotta be ready to move, and it wasn’t like that in the original story. We played at being Wonder Woman and made up stories usung our dolls. The only Halloween costume I still have is the Wonder Woman one from back then, an object I take great care of. ** Heck, I still have my dolls, pencil sharpener, puzzle book and the rest of the Amazon Princess gear I gobbled up...

My Mom, whose father never approved of comics, had secretly read them as a little girl back in the 1940s, so approved whole heartedly. In fact Wonder Woman related objects have been a sort of running theke for gifts between us (me giving her a Wonder Woman plush bunny at Easter and her giving me a mug at Christmas being the most recent). 

So if both my mother and I have waited most if our lives and through scores of Batman and Superman movies for a Wonder Woman feature film, why the anxiety?

Well, because despite my love of the concept of Wonder Woman, I have really disliked some of the takes on the character over the years. As a little girl adoring the ‘40s comics and the ‘70s tv show (though the Superfriends take was fine for something so “childish”...I was a mature little tyke! LOL), , I’d tried the comics at the newstand and went “This is stupid!”. I ended up for some years buying it just for the Huntress back up stories. At my first comic store trip at 14 I tried some very cheap battered old copies from like around 1960 and....Ick! NO! But then along came the George Perez run, and here was MY Wonder Woman. I loved the comic during his years, but unfortuantely it wasn’t forever. The new creators had a vision of the character, both in personality and increasingly over appearance, that was dramatically different than me. Over the years tales of her have been a roller coaster...here feminist, there sexist, here a figure of peace, there a snarling war monger. 

So here is the thing, I admit my image of Wonder Woman has been rather specific. I saw her as someone that can kick your ass, but would rather not if she doesn’t have to. Her first interest is peace, despite being prepared before. If talk fails, she will use force out of a need to protect, but that force will be the minimal necessary for the job. As in she would prefer to restrain you than beat you to a bloody pulp. My Wonder Woman would kill as a last resort, shows compassion and kindness and has a sense of humor. She smiles as often as she glowers. I realize this is a reflection of my basic moral code. Did Wonder Woman shape my world view, or did I take to depictions of Wonder Woman that reflected what I believed? 

Which ever, my anxiety came from all those other Wonder Woman versions. The ones that were grim and brutal concerned me more than the old fashioned sexist ones simply because in the modern age the idea of “strength” seems to involve the ability to kill. The recent DC films hadn’t filled me with much hope. Bystanders should matter to a hero (Looking at you “Man of Steel” city smasher, when you could have taken your fight with Zod to a cornfield or the moon or...). A “gritty” Wonder Woman wasn’t something I wanted. 

Luckily it looks like I wasn’t the only one. Not that there isn’t plenty of violence  and our heroine does rack up a body count.

It begins by telling us of Wonder Woman AKA Princess Diana’s childhood, with the only little girl on the island if Amazon’s running off wanting to learn to fight. And OMG! Isn’t the woman chasing after her trying to catch the little scamp Dayna from Blake’s 7?????? Wow! Yep it really was Josette Simon!*** We get to see the child’s over protective mother reluctantly allow her demigod of a daughter get trained. We also see Diana embrace whole completely the legends and ideals of her people. These things always turn out to be a lot more complicated when you grow up...

And grow up she does. A WWI pilot crashes lands at the island, followed by pursued by Germans, leading to bloodshed and a corpse strewn beach in paradise. Finding out about the World War in progress, Diana wants to take the pilot (Steve Trevor, of course) back into the world, partly because he’s gotten a hold of info about a new a deadlier than ever before gas cooked up by a German scientist, a woman with an interesting bit of mask work covering her experimentation damage. Her main reason is the belief that such a war could only be the result of Ares, god of war, and that as an Amazon she is duty bound to stop him. Naturally, her first step in growing up us to defy he parent and go off to do what she believes is right.

Once out in our world Diana is a fish out of water, coping with a world where women don’t even yet have the right to vote and fashions are most definiately not conducive to battle. She is also incredibly innocent, with a sort of adolecent passionate belief in the world as a simply place. Just go to the battle front, kill Ares, and the world will be at peace. And so, through the story, she comes to learn the world is more complicated, but comes through quickly from the dark disillusionment that brings to find again the hope deep within, only now with a more mature understanding behind it.

Or, you know, lots of fighting and CGI work as Wonder Woman leaps over tall buildings in a single bound...oh wait, that’s the guy in blue tights...But she does leap, off the charts strong. There is a detour for brief romance, much to my mother’s annoyance. (My mother grimiced and muttered as the kissing started.) ****And there is the pyrotechnic superbeing versus superbeing ending, plus the emotional blow of a tragic sacrifice.  That sort if thing.

I liked the choice of WWI, not simply because WWII has been done by superhero films already and we are in the anniversary period for that war, but because it was a particularly messy, large and ugly war. It works thematically, both for Diana to assume Ares is behind all of it and to realize humans really are capable of such horrors, without the more simple good guy/ bad guy  dichotomy of WWII. 

On the other hand, I was a bit uncomfortable with how once Steve showed up he became more of the driving force in the story. In a way it makes sense. He has the experience in our world and knows how it works. He would seem the adult to her not yet fully mature personality in this sort of coming of age story. Yet, a few times I was a bit bothered and had a fleeting “SHE is supposed to be the hero of this story!” moments.

Over all I really enjoyed it. It can’t live up to the hype, but that’s okay because nothing ever does. My mother, who is notoriously hard to please when she has an idea of a character, gave this Wonder Woman her endorsement, saying that this one got the kindness as well a strength. But really, I don’t know if I can give a proper verdict when I have so much emotions tied up with the very existance of the film. Watching the first few minutes of the film I noticed I had tears on my cheeks. After 76 years there was FINALLY a Wonder Woman movie, so for now my feeling is just ....“YES!!!!”

**There are no photos of my wearing it. On fact there are no photos of me wearing ANY Halloween costume! What’s up with that? I dunno, but it just sort of happened. Talking about the costume with Mom she said there should be photos and was shocked when I pointed out the only Halloween pics I have are with jack o’lanterns, and many of them. My folks just didn’t even realize they weren’t thinking to take pictures of us growing up......

***I have a story about my best friend in high school reacting to a pic of her...but that’s for another time...

**** Since this week was my parents’ anniversary and Pop was called “Steve” I think it was reminding her of her grief too. 

[sand1128]

FanFic: The Fall of Friar

A/N: This was a very tough chapter for me. I struggled with trying to keep Lucas in character as much as possible while he was behaving badly. 

Chapter 1- Only The Name Remains

Chapter 2- The Man in the Mirror

 Tired of watching Riley just standing there, Matthew grabs her by the hand and drags her out onto the dance floor.  The first minute she was out there, she refused to move at all but soon the rhythm of the music took over. In no time at all, she and Matthew were dancing in perfect sync. The smile on their faces told of the fun they were having.

Glaring at them from his place in the corner, Lucas could feel his temper rising. Logically, he knows he doesn't have the right to be upset but he's not interested in logic.  All he knows is Riley is out on that dance floor, smiling, laughing and dancing with someone other than him. He thought he was doing a good job of keeping his temper in check... until her partner dipped her and then gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. He was livid. She was his damn it. At that moment, he didn't care that they had broken up... that he had ended it. He watched Riley give her partner a quick hug before she headed off to the ladies’ room.

He knew this was likely his only chance. He stormed over to Matthew

"You know she's off-limits, right?" Lucas snarls

"Pardon me?" Matthew is taken aback by the confrontation and a little perturbed to realize how handsome is confronter was...

"She... is.... off.... limits."

"Who Riley? You've got it all wrong mate. She's a swinging single" Matthew explains with a wide grin and a mischievous wink.

Lucas saw red. He pushed Matthew up against the wall and held him there using his forearm across his chest.

"Riley is off limits"

"Well someone needs to tell her that" Matthew doesn't know who is holding him against his will but he'll be damned if someone is going to accuse either him or Riley of any wrongdoing. "Obviously, this moron doesn't know her that well. She would never dance with anyone else if she was spoken for..." he thinks before deciding to have a little fun with the hottie.

"She is a gorgeous woman, isn't she? Can you believe someone was dumb enough to walk away from a woman like that?"

"I never meant to walk away" Lucas snaps in response  

"Ah... so you're the asshole?" Matthew realizes that this piece of man-candy was Riley’s ex.

"Look pal, I'm as strong as a horse"

"And for her sake Pookie? I hope you’re hung like one."

The two stare each other down until Lucas feels a jolt of electricity zing through his body when he looks down Riley has her hand on his arm.

"Matthews you minx... you didn't tell me that this caveman was your ex!" Matthew admonishes with a grin.

"Lucas put him down. Matthew, he's just someone I used to know" Riley sounds exhausted as she responds.

Lucas simultaneously drops Matthew and whips around to face Riley. The pain is etched on his face in a tortured grimace...

"How did I go from someone you loved to just someone you used to know?" Lucas grinds out as his temper cools.

Riley was stunned "How? You are seriously asking me how? You did it to yourself!!! You and only you decided that you didn't need me anymore. That we were done. That's how you jackass!" Her eyes wide and her hands covering her mouth in shock, she storms from the room before she lets the tears fall. She couldn’t believe that she lashed out at him. She knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he was now fully aware of how much he had hurt her.

   Lucas is stunned. His mind is racing while his heart breaks. How did he let this become his life? How did he let things get so bad?  How does he get her back? He knows now that a life without Riley isn't a life at all.

"So, you're the idiot who threw her away," Matthew states as he stands next to Lucas.

"Idiot is an understatement," Lucas mumbles in return.

"Lucas? I think that's what she called you"

"Yes. Lucas Friar. Idiot extraordinaire at your service" Lucas replies with a sardonic smile. 

"I’d like to say I'm pleased to meet you but I'm not going to lie. You hurt Riley which means I'm anything but pleased."

There is nothing to say at this point so Lucas just waits.

"I'm Matthew Thompson. Riley's current BGP and confidant. I've heard a lot about you. Well, you being a relative term. I didn't know it was you that we were discussing. So, tell me.... why on earth you would throw away a sweetheart like Riley?! Farkle said that she has always been full of hope... until a few months ago."

"You know Farkle?" 

"Oh yeah. I know his adorable loveisis Izzy too. And I can't forget my man,Zay."

"Who else have you met?"

"Her family. Auggie & Uncle Josh are cuties. Her dad is a bit strange, though, kept trying to steal my shoes. Does he have a shoe fetish or something? Bitch these are Ferragamos! The only way you are getting them off my feet is to shoot me dead, cut my feet off but if fate steps in and they fall off while I'm jumping on a naked Hugh Jackman? They're yours"

Lucas heard nothing after hearing that Cory was trying to steal his shoes. 

"Lucas? Yoo-hoo...Lucas?!" Matthew tries to get Lucas's attention.

It takes a minute before Lucas snaps out of it "Sorry Matthew. I was thinking about something"

"No worries mate. So... you gonna tell me what evil demon possessed you & made you tell Riley to walk away? That you didn't need her?! No one in their right mind would walk away from someone like her... a love like that."

"Just stupidity I guess. I got so caught up in everything that I stopped thinking. All of the guys were single. Out partying every night...."

"Ahhh.... Riley gave you a hard time about going out with the Boys?"

"No... not at all"

"Was she jealous? You going out, eyeballing the ladies?" Matthew asks with an exaggerated wink.

"What?! No. She is the only one I've ever eyeballed. She's had my attention since we were in middle school."

"Huh. So, if you weren't going out trolling, & she didn't give you a hard time about going out with the guys.... what the hell is wrong with you?"

Lucas thinks back to the night in question.

He was tired. So damn tired. His classes were a lot harder than he expected. He knew they would be tough but never thought they would be so consuming. Felt like all he ever did was go to class and study. He couldn't remember the last time he took Riley out. Couldn't remember the last time they spent any real time together.  He loathed to admit it but he was scared. He was afraid of failing his classes, of failing her, of not fulfilling his dream of being a vet, that she would tire of him & he would never be Mr. Riley Matthews. He and Riley were supposed to meet for a late dinner. He had high hopes that they would be able to spend some quality time together. Had hoped that they would be able to spend hours talking, loving before falling asleep wrapped up in each other. He missed everything about her. 

It started out simple enough. His roommate offered him a shot of Jack. After initially turning it down, he caved when he was reminded that it would help take the edge off. He was no stranger to alcohol but had always stopped at one. He had gotten drunk once in his life. At 15, he & Zay hid in Pappy Joe’s barn with a few beers that they had taken from their garages. He was sick for 2 days and grounded for 14. He swore then that he wouldn’t get drunk again. He absolutely hated the loss of control. Knew that too much alcohol mixed with his temper could only lead to bad,bad things. Knew too that Riley wasn’t a fan of drinking.  Looking back now, had he stopped at one? He never would've gone off the rails.

One shot became a few rather quickly. Few became more even faster and before he knew it, he was drunk. He was so completely involved in the here and now that the time nor Riley ever occurred to him. It wasn't until she was standing before him that he remembered.

"Heeeeyyyyyy Bean" he slurred

"Lucas! I've been sitting in that restaurant for over an hour waiting for you! I've been worried that something was wrong!"

"I'm good babe.... realllllll good"

"Babe? Ugh. I'm out of here. Sleep it off and we will talk tomorrow" There was no way she was going to deal with him when he was like this. As far as she knew, he had only gotten drunk one other time in his life.

"No don't go, baby.  Stay here and let me rock your world" he tries to throw his arm over her shoulder but misses.

"Oh ick. This is not who you are Lucas. This is not who we are."

“Maybe this is the real me. Maybe I've only been pretending to be Lucas the Good."

"That's the alcohol talking. Call me when you wake up" Riley heads for the door, shaking her head. This was so out of character for Lucas that she feared there was a really serious issue that caused him to drink that night. She knew that he despised getting drunk. That he didn’t like the loss of control.

"Rileeeeyyyyyyy don't go! I need you." She kept walking toward the door.

"You walk out that door- we're done." She didn't slow her stride at all. She refused to let him see her break down. This was not her Lucas. Once he was sober they would talk it all out. She would find out what caused him to drink. They would talk about everything. It was one of the things they did best. It stopped her in her tracks for a brief moment when she realized that she couldn’t remember the last time they really talked about anything important.

"Fine! Go then! There's the door... who needs you anyway?"

She walked out the door, head held high, tears silently streaming down her cheeks. As she settled into her bed, she knew that their next phone call/visit was going to be tough. What she didn't know at the time? That the phone wouldn't ring. 

  When a hungover Lucas finally woke up on his dorm room floor with a sore jaw and a box of his belongings at his side. It took him more than a few minutes to piece together what happened. 

He had every intention of seeing Riley that day or at minimum calling her. He could just imagine how hurt she must be. He was embarrassed and mad at himself for his behavior. She was the last person on earth he would ever want to hurt. He had every intention but they all went away when he and his roommate indulged in a little "hair of the dog" to help his hangover. One day turned to two, to a week, to weeks and finally to months. He never called her and she never made the attempt to see him. Which according to his frat brothers meant that she didn't really care. Had he been of sound mind he would've known that was BS.... but he wasn't of sound mind. Seemingly overnight alcohol had become his mistress. Before he knew it, he would need a quick nip to get him up and moving. Need one to get him through his first class, then another and another.... 

Before too long, it was the ONLY way he could get through his day. He became the very type of guy he despised.

Not only did he not talk to Riley... he stopped talking to their friends. He was equal parts embarrassed and defiant. He knew his friends would be judgmental and not understand what he was going through. His only friends were his frat brothers. They would go to the gym for a few hours every day and then party all night. Working out, partying and skipping class became his new norm. Since his frat brothers behaved the same way, there wasn’t any judgment passed. Wasn’t anyone to explain himself to, wasn’t anyone to point out that this was NOT who he was.

The night he knew he was in deep trouble was the night he accidentally listened to a few of the messages Auggie left him. 

They were full of concern and pleading for a return phone call... until the last one. Lucas was certain that he would remember that message for the rest of his life.

"It's Auggie...again... this might be my 15th or so message but it will be my last one. I don't know what's gotten into you Lucas but I don't like it. You stopped talking to everyone who cared about you. I don't get it. What upsets me the most? I looked up to you. I thought I wanted to be like you when I grew up...boy was I wrong. You promised me, Lucas. Damn you! You promised me that you wouldn't hurt my sister. You told me that you loved my sister. You're right you son of a Bitch... you didn't hurt her... you destroyed her.  My parents & I trusted you, Lucas. We believed in you. You better hope I don't run into you anywhere... Josh may have gotten the first punch but you can bet I'll get the last. I'm not scared of you or your "Texas" side. I can honestly say that right now? I despise you...." the message trailed off with Cory's voice telling Auggie "that's enough Bubba." And then very faintly he could hear Cory's voice "he hurt all of us son" followed by a dial tone.  After deleting the message, Lucas got up, grabbed a bottle and took a picture frame off the wall. One side of the picture frame was Lucas with Auggie on his shoulders. The other side was a picture of him with Riley, taken at their senior prom. That night, Lucas fell asleep drunk, the picture frame clutched tightly to his chest. 

 Matthew waited patiently for Lucas to finish his trip down memory lane. He could only imagine what was running through his mind but if his facial expressions were any indications? They were painful memories. 

“Lucas?”

“Sorry”

“I’m not the one you should be apologizing too” Matthew responds with a pointed look at the balcony.

“I know. I owe a ton of apologies to a lot of people” Lucas answers woodenly.

“I only know her side of the story. I must say that it doesn’t paint you in the greatest light. That being said, as her best BGP, I must ask…. how do you feel about her?”

Lucas isn’t admitting anything yet “How do you feel about her? Am I going to have to fight you for her? I will and I will win”

“I love her but I’m not in love with her. Pookie, don’t you get it? I’d rather hit on you.” Shaking his head Matthew continues “Gorgeous but not very observant, are you? I’m her BGP. Her best gay pal.”

Lucas rubbed the back of his neck and frantically thought of something to say

“I’m sorry for what happened before. While I don’t have any rights where she is concerned, at least now I don’t, I can’t handle her being happy with someone other than me.”

“Selfish bastard, aren’t you? You gave her up.”

“I didn’t mean to. I’m going to fix things. I need her back. I’ve never stopped loving her and I don’t think I ever will.”

Matthew looked Lucas in the eye and remarked “Lucas, you have a lot of explaining to do. You may also want to consider one major thing…”

“Which is?”

“To love her fully? You need to stop hating yourself.”

“What?”

“Look, she told me the Rucas story. All of it. The brother zone, your “indecision”, your senior prom, your anger issues, all of it”

Lucas refused to drop Matthew’s gaze as he continued “You guys have been through a lot over the years and in each instance, Rucas emerged stronger. Sometimes a bit battered but always stronger. This time? When you should have been pulling her close? You pushed her away.  Did you ever talk to her about whatever issues were bringing you down? Did you tell her what your fears were? No, you didn’t. You made a monumental mistake by not talking to her. You internalized everything and didn’t give her any indication that you were struggling. You want her back?”

“Yes, more than anything.”

“I suggest you start now. Go out there and tell her that you miss her. Tell her you were wrong. Fair warning. This isn’t something that is going to be fixed tonight. You are going to have to work for it.”

“I know it won’t and I will do everything she asks.”

“Even if it means walking away?” Matthew asks

The pain that flashes across Lucas’s face is enough to drive anyone to their knees “If that’s what she wants? Then yes…even if it means walking away.”

Matthew reaches out and gives Lucas a hug.

“Chin up Pookie. I don’t think she will tell you to walk away. Despite everything, I’m certain she still loves you.”

“Thanks, Matthew. Anyone who is important to her is important to me.  I hope that you and I can be friends one day”

“Long as you make things right with her? I’d love to be your BGP too. Now get out there, tell her that you know you are the biggest jackass in the world but you hope she loves you anyway.” 

Lucas pats Matthew on the back and heads for the door that he hopes will lead him on the path back to his heart.  He pauses for a second as he watches her wipe her eyes. He takes a deep breath, sends up a silent prayer and opens the door.

Lucas quietly closes the door behind himself as he joins Riley on the balcony.

Riley tenses as she hears him but doesn’t turn her head.

He joins her at the railing and quietly murmurs “Hi”

Silence reigns for a moment before she replies “Hey”

“Riley, can you please look at me?” Lucas implores.

Taking a deep breath and steeling herself so she doesn’t react, she turns to look at him.

“There they are. There are the eyes I’ve missed.” Lucas smiles widely.

“What do you want Lucas?” Riley asks on a sigh

“You.”

“What?”

“I want you back Riley.”

“Why now? Did you decide that once you saw me with someone else?”

“No. I’ve known it all along. I never meant to let things go this long. As soon as I was sober enough to realize what I did, I should have been on my hands and knees begging you to take me back.  Begging you for forgiveness.”

“Yet, you did nothing. It wasn’t enough that you told me goodbye but you stopped talking to our friends too. You even stopped talking to Zay!”

“I know. I can’t make any excuses. I was wrong. Wrong on so many levels about so many different things. I promise you, Riley. I never intended to hurt you.

“But you did & you didn't just hurt me, Lucas. You hurt all of them too. IF I let you back into my life, I'm also letting you back into theirs. You want back in?”

“Absolutely” 

“Then you need to make amends. With our friends and with my family. Fair warning? I think you are going to have the toughest time with...”

“Josh, right? I was sore for a week after that hit...”

“No... Auggie is going to be the toughest. Not only did you promise to never hurt me? You were supposed to be like brothers. You destroyed that.... destroyed his belief in you. It wasn't enough that you hurt me but by completely cutting him out of your life without a word? You hurt him. You let him down on both levels."

"I'll make things right Riley."

"I'm not making any promises Lucas. I must do what's best for me. At one time, I would've sworn that was you but now I don't know."

"I know I don't have the right to ask you for anything anymore.  I know it's all my fault. Just please promise me that you will think about everything we've been through. Not just the last few months. I'm not asking you to forget all the crap I put you through, I'm just asking that you remember that it wasn't all crap. We were over the moon happy once and I know we can get there again."

"You're right we were happy once upon a time. But the fact remains that I missed the signs that you weren't happy. Part of me can’t help but wonder if you resent me on some level.”

“Why would I resent you?”

“Because I know you’re not Mr. Perfect. But truth be told, I loved you more because of your flaws. In my eyes? They made you perfect. I just didn’t know that you weren't happy. Whether it was with school, your friends, me...."

"It was never you Riley. I wasn't happy with ME. I'm going to fix this. I want to be worthy of you again even if I don't get another chance with you. I was the asshole that pushed you away. I get that but if I'm going down? I'm going down swinging. I need to be able to look myself in the mirror every day. I can't do that unless I do everything in my power to fix us.  I swear on everything I hold dear Ri, I was never unhappy with you. God, for the longest time? You were the only good thing I had. " Lucas grabs her hand and places it on his chest, holding it over his rapidly beating heart. "Do you feel that? That's how it is when you are near me.  You know it’s the Riley rhythm. I've missed it...almost as much as I've missed you."

She takes her hand down slowly "You don't get to say these things to me now Lucas. You are the one who ended things. The one who decided I wasn't enough..."

Lucas places his fingers over her mouth "Ri. You have always been enough. I will fix everything and I will show you once and for all? You are everything." 

“Riley, I need things to get to the point where you can look at me with something other than pain in your eyes. Somehow, some way, I will make you smile again.... even if it's only as you wave goodbye.”

Riley removes his fingers from her mouth and with a shy smile, leans forward and presses her lips to his cheek. Just as she opens her mouth to say something, Matthew calls her name.

“I have to go Lucas. Call our friends. They miss you.” Riley heads for the door

“Bean?” He asks quietly.

“Yes, Lucas. I’ve missed you too” she answers as she steps through the door.

As he watched her rejoin Matthew, he knew that he would stop at nothing to get her back.

This is the image that inspired parts of this story.  Thank you @drizzyyjayy for sharing it with me.