#and for the days before my 20th birthday it was like ribs 3 days in a row | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

idnek83 · 4 years

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ok so i have a really niche souda head canon based loosely on the song ode to the bouncers by the studio killers, there was a club like down the block from his house and when his dad would leave him locked out or when he got beat up or when he just needed a break he’d always try and get in to the club, and after years of doing it he’s grown to be like freinds with the bouncers that work outside the club, some of them just think he’s annoying but there is this one who is basically his (pt.1)

(pt.2) who is basically his new father figure, he’ll let souda in after the club has closed and if he’s beat up bad he’ll bandage him up and it just means a lot to souda knowing that at the end of the day there is at least one person who is looking out for him, i also think the bouncer kinda helps souda relaize it’s ok to be into guys and when he starts dating gundham he brings him to meet him instead of his dad and he gives gundham a little shovel talk

Edit: You can all thank @froggish-lesbian for this wonderful au!

FOUND FAMILY! FOUND FAMILY! FOUND FAMILY!

The first time Soda shows up is like early summer, right after he changed up his look and his dad got super pissed about it. He’s like 15 and feeling cocky and tries like, just nodding casually to the bouncer and walking in, it’s probably future dad bouncer the first time too (I’m just gonna call him DB for dad bouncer lol). DB just like crosses his arms, stands in front of Soda and raises and eyebrow cus he’s so obviously underage that DB can’t even be mad. Soda tries putting on a low voice and is all ‘hey man, what’s the issue? I come here all the time’ and DB is just like ‘sure kid, try again once your balls drop’ and Soda tries to argue but his voice cracks and he’s mortified and DB just laughs until he leaves lol

The next time he shows up is probably like a month or two later and there’s a different bouncer at the door. Soda tries the same thing but gets stopped again, but this time it’s a lady so he tries to flirt his way in. The lady bouncer just humors him for a minute then is like “hmm, one second sweetheart” and Soda is like ‘oh shit it worked’ cus she’s like looking around and he thinks it’s to make sure no one is watching, but then se waves someone over and, lo and behold, it’s DB. Lady bouncer is like “Is this that kid you were talking about” and they both start laughing and Soda just leaves cus he knows he’s not gonna get with DB there.

The third time isn’t so light hearted. It’s a really cold Fall evening and Soda shows up with a black eye and several other bruises, obviously dirty and he’s slightly bent over because his dad bruised one of his ribs. Soda wasn’t really thinking he would get in, but he figured the injuries might stop anyone from asking so he’d give it a try. Once he’s close enough to see, which is pretty close thanks to the swelling around his eye, he can tell that the blurry silhouette at the door is DB so he just gives up, turning around and sitting on the curb while he thinks of where else he could go. DB is super alarmed and gets one of the other bouncers to cover for him so he can check on Soda. He comes up behind Soda and is like “Hey kid, you alright? Need me to call your parents for you or something?” and Soda just laughs bitterly and gestures to his face and says “Nah, dad is aware of the situation” and DB gets it and is just, boiling with rage. He tells Soda to hold on, and goes to tell the bar owner the situation. It’s like a week day and the bar is slow so the owner says Soda can hangout in the kitchen or something for a while if he needs to, and DB goes to get him. Soda’s just super confused and like “wait, but you know I’m underage? Why are you letting me in?” and DB’s like “1. A kid freezing to death outside the bar would be bad for business, 2. We’re still not gonna let you drink so don’t even try, and 3″ he sits soda down on a chair in the kitchen and looks him in the eye “I’ve been where you are before, and I get that sometimes you just need a place to wait out the worst of it for a few hours.” He like smiles and ruffles Soda’s hair and pretends not to notice when Soda starts crying a little.

After that Soda occasionally comes by just to try his luck with the various bouncers, but they know who he is, so even if he wasn’t so obviously underage, he’d have no hope of getting in for a drink. On nights where Soda’s dad is being violent, they let him in the back door to hang out in the kitchen till the morning, and he eventually starts killing time back there by fixing little things like leaks and whatnot as his way of saying thanks. They don’t really talk about his situation much, but eventually the whole staff knows about the pink haired kid with the shitty dad and none of them bat an eye when they find him sitting in the kitchen anymore.

Once he turns 16 the owner hires him on as a dish washer (not sure if that’s how it works in Japan, but 16 year olds were allowed to cook and clean in bars where I grew up so shhh work with me). He doesn’t really have regular hours and when he shows up the owner usually has him doing maintenance instead of dishes, but it gives them something to point to if people ever start wondering why there's a kid in the bar. DB is sure to check in with him occasionally (How’s school? You eating enough? Got yourself a special friend at school yet?) but never presses him about his dad.

One day Soda shows up and he’s really beat up again. DB and some of the other staff members talk it out and decide they could pool enough money together to get Soda a shitty apartment nearby. DB lets him know and Soda is incredibly grateful for the offer but declines (I don’t want to be in debt to you guys, besides, I’m getting better at getting out of the house before dad goes off, I was just being stupid today). DB is like “Okay little dude, if you’re sure. But there’s no expiration date on the offer. We’re here for you cus you’re part of the family now.” and Soda starts crying cus it’s been a long time since hes felt so loved and that’s probably the moment DB starts filing adoption papers in his head haha.

One day DB brings his husband to the bar for a date night and Soda’s mind is just blown because up until that moment he just thought every gay guy had to be super effeminate but DB and his husband are both buff as hell and super masc? He does a lot of thinking after that and probably has a couple conversations about it with DB where he thinks he’s being subtle but DB knows exactly what’s up and is super supportive of Soda exploring his sexuality without ever pressuring him to come out.

(The day Soda tells him he’s bi, DB is just so excited and he’s accidently calls Soda his son while telling him how proud he is of him. They both laugh it off and it becomes a joke around the bar that Soda is DB’s son from a fling he had way back before he realized he was gay)

When Soda brings Gundham to the bar and introduces him as his boyfriend the whole staff just loses their minds. Lot’s of them congratulate him on his new goth BF, but plenty of them are warning Gundham about what DB will do to him if he hurts Soda. Gundham is legitimately a little scared, and when Soda introduces DB as his “dad who isn’t shitty” Gundham is confused and terrified and just does his best to act polite. DB starts with the whole “If you ever hurt my son...” shovel talk thing but Soda eventually stops him, insisting that Gundham is a good guy and also that he doesn’t need protection. DB is in full dad mode so he just says something like “You better be using god damned protection.” and bursts out laughing. After that everyone chills out a bit and welcomes Gundham like he’s already part of the family.

The insane party they throw for Soda’s 20th birthday is only ever out done by the one they throw for his and Gundham’s wedding lol (DB walks Soda down the aisle of course)

#Soudam #replies #anon #cw:abuse #tw:abuse #DB au #Soudam ramblings

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dawniebb · 4 years

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Face reveal bc yes

So, guys...especially from the Renegades fandom bc i’m the most active there: you saw the title lmao. This will...barely get notes (i wonder if it’ll get notes at all) buuUUUT YEAH LET’S GOOOO (If you’re gonna reblog pls be respectful bc i have issues and btw reblog ONLY if we are mutuals)

THIS IS ME! <3 HELLOOOO!!!

Now, if you want to stop here, do it. If you don’t...well

I’m going to tell you a story about myself and why I decided to post this.

First of all, I’m not celebrating anything. I’m just celebrating me, I guess (?) and in fact I’ve been wanting to do this since my parents got me a She-Ra cake for my 20th birthday back in May, because I loved that thing and felt the physical need to shove that thing into everyone’s faces But I didn’t because I didn’t feel ready enough...then that thought left my mind, and it came back like two weeks ago.

I’ve had mental issues since I was in like...elementary school. I’m sure I had felt depressed before I turned 12; however, the first memory I hold of feeling so, it’s when I was already 12. Because it was then when I realized that I wasn’t just a dumb kid who didn’t know how to make friends xd To this day, I genuinely feel like I was suffering from isolation bullying; you know xd my classmates purposely excluded me from activities, they would find any excuse for not letting me join their work teams and stuff like that; during my last year at elementary school, I only had like one friend, and that one friend and I shared a sort of abusive/toxic relationship, as in: manipulation, “we’re best friends. you should only talk to ME”, and then this friend turned her back at me too, because she decided to join the rest of the group and ignore me.

lol.

And I remember wondering what was I doing wrong. Like, why didn’t people like me; why didn’t they want to hang out with me; why did everyone seem to have friends except me. And then I got trapped into a very...dark place, and I remember being overthinking one day, because I tend to overthink a lot...and I remembered this specific kid who was in the same class as me.

I was in the line for the teacher to check my homework, and this kid, a boy, was behind me.

You see. I’ve always been chubby xd I don’t think I’ve ever been skinny since I was 2 years old or so, because by the time I was in kindergarten my classmates’ moms were already calling me a ‘little meatball’ thinking it was a fucking adorable nickname because Mexican moms can be pretty shitty sometimes don’t let the media stereotypes fool you not all of them are all cheerful and upbeat and when I was in elementary school, for some reason, besides being chubby, I had a really bad posture. And this boy who was behind me started imitating my way of walking and his friends were laughing, so I turned around and asked him wtf his problem was xd and he turned around to his friends and asked “Do you see how hunchback she is?” like I wasn’t even there xd and I genuinely tried to slap him but I couldn’t, and he said “Yo, stop moving because you’re going to cause an earthquake”

And my mom has always felt personally attacked for the fact I’m...u know, fat. She has always been very insistent on the fact I need to lose weight and stuff like that. And her, mixed with my experiences at school, made me feel like I wasn’t enough.

But my mind started saying things like “And u know why you aren’t enough? Because you’re fat”

Because, like, the day of the hunchback insult, when I told the teacher, who was a very shitty teacher btw but i’m not talking about her again today (i’ve already talked about her in MANY of my university papers, because I’m studying to be an English teacher), she turned around at him and said “Don’t listen to HER” and to this day I still don’t know why xd

But it made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Because I was fat.

Lol x2.

To this day, I still don’t know if I have an ED. Like, I genuinely don’t know. But I can safely say that, if I have one, it’s more likely BED... because, through the years, I managed to lose weight when I turned like 15 and I had my quinceañera party, but then first year of high school came and I had a relapse into depression...like, this might come off as a very unpopular opinion, but junior high school was dope for me x’d I remember it as one of the best years in my life, right after my second and third year in high school (high school in Mexico lasts only three years) and so...when I started my first year in high school and got fucking depressed again, I gained ALL that weight back, and even doubled it. During my second year of high school, I met my friends. The friends I still keep with me to this day. And they accepted me like the fucking train wreck I was, failing math like three times in a row and crying about it every single one of those times because I’m pretty sure I have dyscalculia but my parents won’t listen to me they think i’m just lazy when it comes to math even though they know i cant even read a fucking clock . And them, along with my another very close friend who I met via fanfction when I was 12, helped me go through it. Like, I did have some issues with my body during high school, but not as much as you would expect. They were getting pretty bad in my first and second semester, but during the other four my friends managed to stop me from losing my mind, even when it all went to shit in my third year again for different reasons.

Then I graduated from high school, and I made friends there too. Although my best friends are still my friend from fanfiction, my friends from high school and just one of my university friends. And you know...I was left...pretty scarred from the shit that happened during third year of high school, and even if I didn’t feel like I was *that* depressed, I did gain a lot of weight.

Like, the highest I’ve ever been. Then my dad got sick during October from last year, then my two doggies were murdered god i fucking hate my neighbors the same day my dad was released from the hospital and my mom went kinda nuts during December and I wanted to just...yeah.

So I did a lot of emotional eating. Like, y’all don’t understand.

It was like...I would go to uni and eat a brownie. Then chocolates on my way home. THEN a “a snack” like...fucking rice krispies. Then a huge ass meal, with soda bc why not. Then I would have either cookies or hot cheetos as a treat after my huge ass meal,

I’m a short person xd carrying that much weight was making my ribs and back hurt, as well as my legs and feet; my breathing was freaking awful, and there were some days were I got SO paranoid I just said things like “i’m gonna die today” or “out here trying to get diabetes like the rest of your family, aren’t you??” :’) but i didn’t tell anybody. My parents are not really an option in this case, BUT I didn’t tell my friends, because then I would have to explain that I ate a lot and that was something I was EXTREMELY ashamed of.

When February came, I was scared of going out, because I knew I would have to choose what clothes to wear and nothing fit me anymore and, the things that did, looked super stretched on me and, u know, I was sore. My health was getting bad. But I didn’t like to feel that way.

AND I MUST CLARIFY HERE. I’M WORKING ON THAT. I’M ACTUALLY A BODY POSITIVY DEFENDER, I JUST DIDN’T LIKE HOW *I* LOOKED AND, BESIDES, I WAS GETTING SICK. I GENUINELY THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE AT SOME POINT. I’M NOT SAYING BEING FAT OR CHUBBY IS DISGUSTING. NO. I BELIEVE ALL HUMAN BEINGS ARE EXTREMELY BEAUTIFUL. AND IF I’M WRITING THIS IS BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO KNOW RECOVERY IS DISGUSTING AND DIFFICULT SOMETIMES AND THAT IF YOU’RE GOING THROUGH SOMETHING LIKE THAT: I’M SORRY. NOBODY SHOULD EVER FEEL LIKE THAT. I SUPPORT YOU. AND I HOPE THINGS GET BETTER. AND NO MATTER WHAT OTHERS SAY, YOU’RE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE TO CHANGE ONLY IF YOU WANT TO CHANGE. BECAUSE IT’S YOUR BODY. KEEP HOLDING ON.

But going back to the story...

My friends used to tell me I looked pretty all the time, which I appreciate a lot to this day. But my parents were like

Me: I’m fat and I look deformed.

Them: I agree.

Because yeah.

Just before the pandemic madness happened, I went on a school trip with my uni friends and one of them triggered my isolation trauma in the worst way possible...and that, somehow, ruined ALL the photos I took throughout the trip. Because I wasn’t enough. Because I was deformed and fat and I looked like an apple. Because nobody wanted to be seen near me. And my personality was shitty.

Like, I should’ve known I was worth it. I’m still worth it and I know that. But I wasn’t less worth it when I was chubbier. And maybe I didn’t look as bad as my head made me believe. But at the time my mental health was extremely awful.

Now, covid happened.

Not gonna lie. Quarantine fucked me up as much as it fucked everyone else, but for me...by not going out, I stopped being near trigger foods, and I was even able to consult a dietitian.

I’ve lost 15 kg since March. And I’ve managed to love my past self, but I love this one because changing it was my decision. Sure, my parents didn’t help a lot, but in the end it was MY decision. I’ve come to accept I was worth it even when I felt disgusted by myself, and all of those awful things people said or did to me, like my friend during that trip...

I didn’t deserve any of those things. Because NO ONE deserves to be treated that way. No one deserves somebody else making fun of them. No one deserves somebody else doing awful things to them that they know damn well that they trigger their childhood trauma. No one deserves to be judged for the way they look.

I was in a very dark place, and sometimes I’m still inside there. And like...during all those times, I kept posting in here.

I remember being next to my dad in the hospital, telling him “Guess what? Supernova drops this week” or “We’re going to watch TDP together, right?” or “Let me talk to you about She-Ra...” ....those were things that like...saved my life for a while, though mostly Supernova. Because, actually, Marissa Meyer has helped me in my fucking darkest years x’d from my third year of high school until now.

Her books didn’t take my depression away, but they did make things a little lighter for me, even when I felt like dying.

And I know this fandom is like..full of minors, so...I don’t know if any of you need to hear this: But you’re worth it.

If you want to change anything in your body, do it because YOU want to.

Because YOU’LL like you better.

Because it’s YOUR body, and it’s the only part of yourself that you and other people can touch.

Nobody should ever tell you you’re worthless because of your weight and your physical appearance. And if they ever do, then they’re the ones who should apologize, not you.

Nobody has the right to mistreat you, abuse you, or use your own body against you.

As for me...my ribs don’t hurt anymore. Nor does my back or my feet, and my breathing is getting better; I took the conscious decision to lose weight but, like I said, now that I’m not in such a dark place, I’m staring to realize that the past me wasn’t as hideous as my mind was making me believe. She was okay; she was broken inside, but she didn’t deserve anything that happened to her, nor did she deserved to treat herself that badly.

I posted my photo just to celebrate that I can finally said I’m not disgusted anymore. I can finally see myself in pictures again. And see my own reflection. Or go through my closet. Or do my makeup, because I LOVE doing my makeup and I was even ashamed of that. I’m not fully okay yet, but I’m healing.

So, if there’s any little Dawnie around here: I hope you give yourself a chance and realize you’re beautiful.

I hope that, if you change, it’s because you wanted to do it.

I hope you know that it’ll get better even if the healing process it’s not that easy.

I hope you know there’s people who love you.

I hope you know that you are beautiful. You were always beautiful and, no matter what path you choose, you’ll always be beautiful.

And worth it.

And human.

And important.

Take care of yourself, because you’re wonderful, no matter your size <3

#personal #VERY PERSONAL LMAO DAWN WHAT HAPPENED THERE U OK?#tw: eating disorders mention #TRIGGER WARNING EATING DISORDER MENTIONS #tw: depression #TRIGGER WARNING DEPRESSION #face reveal #and im gonna tag this bc yes #renegades trilogy #marissa meyer #renegades #archenemies #supernova #also TW: BULLYING

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nomader-where · 6 years

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Where to Go Korea: Autumn Edition, Lantern Festival

Korea has a lot of festivals. Flower festivals, mud festivals, mask festivals, crab festivals and one that cannot be forgotten is Jinju’s Annual Lantern Festival. One of my Korean friends told me that they have so many festivals because Korea is so small and they all like to party. Hey, I’m not complaining!

For the longest time, I really wanted to go to a Lantern Festival, regardless of if it was in America or Korea. I remember before I left to South Korea a Lantern Festival conveniently came to Colorado right on time to celebrate my 20th birthday. I finally got the chance to cross something off my own personal bucket list, but alas the Lantern festival was postponed due to weather conditions and they weren't able to return until after I had left. However, when I arrived in South Korea, I got wind of the most magnificent lantern festival that would be held in the well kept Jinjuseong Fortress.

The Jinju Namgang Yudeung Lantern Festival is a 10-day festival that happens every October in the South Gyeongsang Province of South Korea. The festival can be traced back to 1592, during the Jinjuseong battle, where lanterns were used as a military signal to prevent Japanese troops from crossing the Namgang river. The floating lanterns were also used for family members to communicate outside of the Fortress. The tradition of floating lanterns down the Namgang river continued as a tribute to the 70,000 lives of civilians and soldiers lost during the battle and as such, it has transformed into the Jinju Festival we know today.

I knew I couldn’t pass this festival up, I convinced my Korean friend to go with me right away (my birthday wish) over our Chuseok holiday before classes would begin. Boy, was I so glad we went! We left Seoul in the afternoon and were in the long-haul for a 3-and-a-half hour long drive down (bless her for willing to drive there and back) to the southern part of Korea.

When we arrived, it was just starting to get dark around 5pm. As evening fell and the lanterns became more visible and an incredible view panned in front of us for miles. The banks of the river were filled with thousands of unique lanterns of all shapes. Some were animals, some traditional Korean stories where you walked along and it told you of the myths, etc. Everywhere there were women and men dressed in traditional Hanbok and people beating traditional Korean drums and singing in Pansori, a traditional singing style.

We went to a tent where you could get your own little paper lantern with a candle in it, and write wishes on pieces of paper, and then put the lantern in the river and watch it float downstream. Hundreds of people did this: families, couples, friends, it was scenic to see a river that resembled the night sky as hundreds of tiny lanterns floated away. After we scoped out the fortress and river we were starving and supposedly Jinju is known for its Galbi Jim ( 갈비찜 ). Galbi Jim is braised beef short ribs in a spicy sauce with lots of veggies. The place we went to had the best food, and the staff was amazingly sweet to foreigners. It was a very tiny place with floor seating, which of course as much as I like the idea, my legs are too long and fall asleep too quickly to spend a meal on the ground.

The grandma working the store was so amazed we came in to eat she flattered us with compliments left and right, and even brought out extra food as “service” a Korean gesture of gratitude so I could know, “the feeling of Jinju”. She made sure to show me how to peel the meat off the bones and if it was too spicy she was on guard with a bottle of peach juice that stops your mouth from burning. If you visit Jinju YOU HAVE TO EAT GALBI JIM! It was so good, the meat was so tender and buttery it was unreal.

The night continued and I was finally able to cross off my bucket list and was left with amazing memories. If you’re in South Korea during October, go to this festival! It's a great way to see how locals celebrate the holiday and be a part of cultural activities. Tickets to the festival are only 3000won or $3.00 and you can drive, take the KTX (bullet train), or a tour bus when booking with external tour packaging sites like Trazy. Trazy’s trip is $66 on the site and the cost of a KTX will probably run you $50. I would say if you don’t book with an English speaking tour package group, do not worry! These festivals have information in English and it’s no hassle to order if you can’t speak Korean.

So, where will you travel?

#jinju #countryside #festival #south korea #study abroad #isa #international studies abroad #korea #travel #blogger #studyblr #explore #city #anime #bts #monsta x #got7 #shinee #kpop #festivals

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wolfstarwonders · 7 years

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All My Life — Wolfstar Fic

This is my first wolfstar fic so please read if you have a chance and please be kind. Thanks for reading <3

Read more on AO3

Title: All My Life Words: 3,138 (Incomplete, multi-chapter) Pairing: Remus Lupin x Sirius Black, wolfstar Genre: Fluff/Angst Rating: M Summary: James Potter is on a mission to help his dearest friend Remus lose his innocence in the classiest of ways — at a house party on the night his 20th birthday. This just means Sirius is on an even bigger mission to stop his lifelong crush from ending up in bed with someone who is most definitely not him. But what started out as a schoolyard crush has grown into something even Sirius might not be able to control anymore. Eventual wolfstar, many telling flashbacks, and lots of pining.

See blow the cut for a peek and please share if you can! It would mean the world to me <3

~~~

“I don’t know, Prongs. Are we sure our Moony is ready for his first real shebang?” Sirius grinned at James as they got ready for their night of mischief and getting sloshed. Saturday nights were never quiet for the Marauders, especially not now that they’d all officially graduated and gotten their first flat together.

“Don’t call it a shebang, Pads,” James said, rolling his eyes and clapping Remus on the back as the taller boy looked at himself awkwardly in the mirror. “And of course he’s ready. The man is 20 years old for crying out loud! I can’t believe we’ve gone this long without taking him to a real party. What kind of friends are we anyway? We owe it to him to make tonight the best night ever. Isn’t that right, Moony?” James finished, stepping into the bathroom to brush his teeth and continue talking to them through the open door.

Remus shifted his feet, tugging at the neatly pressed collar of his button down shirt and adjusting the mustard-colored cable knit sweater he was wearing over it. “Mmm…I really think you lot are making too big of a deal out of this,” Remus mumbled quietly, still not sure about going out tonight and going through with his friends’ unpredictable plan. He’d much rather stay inside and have a Marauders movie marathon like they had every night on his birthday for the last ten years. Those were always his favorite. But for some reason, his friends had decided that just wouldn’t do this year, not when he’d just hit his second decade of life and hadn’t even gone to second base with a girl yet, according to James.

“Too much?!” Sirius exclaimed in disbelief, popping up behind Remus to clasp a hand on either of his shoulders and make adoring faces at himself in the mirror. “Remus, you’re celebrating the big 20 today. That’s two — look at me — two decades, mate! You think we’d let that slip by? We’re going to give you the best night of your life, Moons” Sirius smiled, ruffling a hand through the taller boy’s auburn hair.

“Besides, dooozens of birds are going to be there and you might just get lucky tonight,” Peter chuckled, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. He also showed up behind Remus in the mirror, having considerable trouble seeing over Remus’ shoulder to comb his tousled hair.

“Oh how would you even know, Wormtail?” Sirius huffed, jabbing him in the ribs with his elbow. “It’s not like a girl’s ever talked to you anyway,” he snickered. Sirius, despite his enthusiasm about taking Remus out to celebrate his birthday tonight, wasn’t the biggest fan of James’ plan to help Remus pull for the first time. Sure, they were all friends and he thought Remus deserved to be happy. But he knew his friend better than any of the others—and that was saying something since he’d practically grown up with James as his brother. He just didn’t think forcing Remus to go out and hook up with a girl was the way to do it, if he wanted to that is. Still, he wanted him to have as good of a time as possible, and he was all in for making Remus’ 20th birthday a night to remember.

“Hey! I resent that. Plenty of girls want to talk to me,” Peter said, pouting and rubbing at this side with a frown.

“I don’t know, mate,” Remus said. “Pads has a point. Every since you struck out with Mary at the fall formal two years ago, you’ve kind of had trouble picking up any girls,” Remus had to agree, making Sirius smile cheekily and stick his tongue out at Peter over Remus’ shoulder in victory.

Peter rolled his eyes and tried to swat at Sirius, who quickly ducked behind his tallest friend to protect himself before attempting to thwack Peter on the back. Remus shook his head. Tonight was already going smashing, as usual.

“Oi! You lot quit beating the piss out of each other,” James said, walking out of the bathroom and pointing a toothbrush at them all in warning. “Tonight is about Moony, not Pete’s sad excuse for a love life,” James added, going back to spit into the sink.

“Hey!” Peter whined again. “Ah, fuck all of you lot. I should just go to the party myself,” he grumbled, going to get his jacket and wait by the door.

“Hah! That’s a laugh,” Sirius smirked, walking over to Peter and crossing his arms in front of him over his leather jacket. “You couldn’t go to the party by yourself even if you wanted to because I…” Sirius said, dangling his car keys in front of a frowning Peter, “…am your only way of getting there,” Sirius finished proudly.

“Awe, come on. Leave the poor bloke alone,” Remus said, walking up to them once he’d finally decided he’d had enough of fussing over himself in the mirror. Remus looked down at his light brown pants, rolled up to show his argyle socks and chestnut-colored oxford shoes. This was as good as it was going to get, he thought to himself with a sigh. “It’s my birthday and I officially want us all to have a good time. That means no fighting, and at least one of us has to stay sober enough to be the designated driver, which I gladly volunteer to do for the 500th time,” Remus reminded them as James came to join them.

“Eh, eh, eh, birthday boy can’t be the designated driver,” James tutted, pressing the keys even deeper into Sirius’ palm. “That’s just a no go. No, old Pads here will be our driver, won’t ya?” James grinned evilly at Sirius. They’d decided days ago that Sirius would be the driver, and by decided that meant they’d flipped a coin and Sirius had lost. James had pinned Sirius to the ground and made him shout “uncle” until he’d agreed to accept that he’d lost, which hadn’t been easy.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” Sirius grumbled, opening up the front door and leading them into the hall. “I’ll still have a better time than the whole lot of you because I’ll have Moony by my side and we’re going to have the time of our lives. Ain’t that right, mate?” Sirius grinned, throwing an arm around Remus’ shoulders as James locked up the front door.

“Sure, whatever you say, Pads,” Remus shook his head with a smile. He really hoped Sirius was right this time.

~~~

Please check out my AO3 for the rest of the chapter

#wolfstar #remus lupin #sirius black #remus x sirius #fanfic #harry potter #harry potter fic #wolfstar fic #wolfstar fanfic

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battybat-boss · 7 years

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38 yrs old recently diagonsed with idc

Hello, my name is Trinity, I am now 39 years old and have been recently diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma of the left -sided breast, grade 3 IDC of 1.8 cm, negative margins, no lymph node involvment or LVI, with a triple negative pathology. I also underwent a left breast mastectomy and sentinel lymph node biopsy on January 24th,2018. 6 sentinel lymph nodes were clear. Currently my case is in review with the tumor board and they will be presenting me the treatments they suggest for me soon I hope. AS OF FEB 20TH,2018 I WAS TOLD I AM CANCER FREE!!!! BUT............. also at this follow up appointment NOW THEY'VE RECOMMENDED CHEMO and RADIATION, anyone else think there's a problem with this? Or in the same situation? What did you choose to do? How we're you feeling at that moment? Me, I just started balling my eyes out! I was so sad, so much has been going on in my life. I'm recovering well, but I can defiently say I've had a few "moments" already. But more so I can't seem to get out of my own head lately. Overall, mind you I think I've done pretty dam well considering. List of events: -diagnosed with BREAST CANCER in Oct and by the end of the month had to quit my job, almost lost my father who was hit by a car in Nov; he broke his pelvis, ribs, staples in his head, amongst other injuries that doctors had said he may never be able to walk again. Well to our surprise he was able to go home just in time for his 59th birthday in Dec. With a back brace to help him walk . To date he's still recovering. Has a bit of brain damage and emotionally messed up a bit but hopefully time will tell. He's doing very well for the position he's in at this moment. Christmas has arrived, now I've used my savings, to get threw the hoildays and credit cards to pay bills and such. Oh.........I didn't mention, I have 3 daughters ages 18,15, and 10. January my youngest daughter turned 10, just before this she figured out that I had cancer just by chance one day, she found my Setinel node biopsy and mastectomy booklet. Not long after that we then burried one of my grandfathers at the age of 85. Wait there's more........mind you this whole time lmy husband, our children and myself also live with my husbands grandparents ages 86 and 92, his grandfather has been up and down the past few years. That in it self hasn't been easy. Who cared for him, my husband............in our home and with our deepest sympathy's on Feb 17th, 2018 he passed away. We then had to wait a week to lay him to rest. Now here we are.....AND I'M IN MY OWN HEAD MORE THAN EVER. I'm not the person I used to be and I don't like it! So this weekend I'll be attending the Landmark seminar. Here's to the weekend and me finding myself again.

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samanthasroberts · 7 years

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27 Of My Most Cringeworthy Moments From My Early Twenties I Will Recount Here For Your Entertainment

If you are my mother or my father or are in any way affiliated with them, please stop reading right here. Unless you’re Aunt Julie. Because you can hang, Jules.

1. I once locked myself into a bathroom with several cases of beer, because the cops showed up to a college party. I declared it my throne and proceeded to continue to drink cans of Coors Light for over an hour BY MYSELF until I decided it was safe to emerge.

2. After my 21st birthday party, I fell asleep on my staircase with my tights midway down my legs cradling my then baby dog and assuring her over and over, “You’re so beautiful.” I woke up to her chewing on my hair.

3. I played Peter Pan in college and had some sort of weird virus that resulted in 85% of my body being covered in hives. I was released from the ER after my school’s health center sent me there post thinking I was going into anaphylactic shock, but I had to do press and several photo shoots for the show. So now, there are photos of me (that yes, you can find) dressed as Peter Pan, flying around, while on several milligrams of Valium. Gives a whole new meaning to “flying high.” (sorry I had to.)

4. Once I got drunk in a field solely so I could hang out with a goat named Penelope. Here’s a picture:

5. My boyfriend for the latter half of my early twenties was around a year younger than me. So he couldn’t drink with me (in public anyway) at my 22nd and instead had to take care of me, bless his heart. On my 21st birthday a friend had challenged me to take a shot of SUPER cheap whiskey and I’d managed to do it. On my 22nd I tried to complete that same challenge and ended up puking into a cloth napkin, and sneakily throwing it away in the trash. My boyfriend promptly took me home after.

6. Another throw up story (let’s just stick with the theme) involved a pint glass. A party was being thrown at my ex’s house and naturally, I didn’t want to attend. One of my best guyfriend’s offered to accompany me to a bar near said ex’s place called “The Town And Country Lounge” which is a bar in a refurbished double wide. We sat there for approximately two to three hours, drinking cheap beer and shooting whiskey. The last shot of Jameson I did didn’t sit well, and I ended up methodically vomitting into the pint glass next to me, filling it straight to the brim. Surprisingly though, I didn’t spill.

7. At 25 I got so heated with a cab driver after a long night that he ended up calling the police on me. From my own phone. Saving that whole story for my eventual Lifetime movie. But it happened.

8. I went to a One Direction concert and a stranger who was drunk and talking animatedly with his hands clocked me straight in the face. I told him it was okay, I missed Zayn too. Again here’s a photo from said evening:

9. At 25 I sent presents to some dude who wrote for the same website as me, because I thought it meant we’d be friends. Now I’m pretty sure he just wanted to have phone sex (never did) because he was lonely as he stopped talking to me the SECOND there was a possibility of us hanging out IRL. Learn from my mistakes kids: don’t send flat-brims to people just because they’re sad. Save that money.

10. I left my number on more coasters and napkins for cute bartenders than I can even remember. It’s not really a cute move though, and I fully shake my head at myself now.

11. I sort of notoriously trolled a guy on Tinder and wrote about it. It made a lot of people really mad. I still stand by my original intent of writing the piece, which was/is that it’s kind of fucked up that we laugh when people threaten us or harass us or even just get rude, but I didn’t execute this well at all. Like honestly, I am linking to it and saying, “I think this ispoorlywritten and I am the one who wrote it.” BUT – I don’t believe in deleting work even when I don’t really relate to it anymore or even when it doesn’t garner the reaction I was hoping for. Instead I just shake my head when I get random messages about this piece (yes, even over a year later) and use it as a reminder to always do better.

12.After my first big breakup I decided to get out of a dodge for a bit and flew home to be with my parents and my childhood best friends. Only problem, I was flying out of my college town on my ex’s birthday. And apparently, his parents were also flying out on the same flight to go on vacation. I was in first class (not bougie – just the only ticket that was available) and they had to awkwardly stand beside me waiting to get to their seats. One of my absolute least favorite memories.

13. I impulsively got a tattoo with a sort of boyfriend one day on my ribs. I didn’t really WANT a rib tattoo but this dude told me it was “so sexy” so I caved. I also made the mistake of not going to a reputable artist, and frankly the tattoo looks like shit now. Eventually I’ll get it covered up but for now, the scratchy quote stays. Here’s another a picture so you can see visual representation of my mistakes!! Yay!

"curiosity often leads to trouble."

A photo posted by Kendra Syrdal (@kendrasyrdal) on Apr 6, 2013 at 4:58pm PDT

14. Once I went out on a date with a guy who actually, seriously quoted that fucking AWFUL book about picking up women called and I didn’t leave. Not only did I not leave, but I let him stay the night at my apartment (didn’t hook up with him because I maintained SOME level of self-respect) AND let him shower in the morning. He used my brand new, pretty spendy Sephora bubble bath as body wash, and opened brand new shampoo. He wanted to have a “discussion” after I told him I wasn’t interested in seeing him again. Yeah…I pick winners.

15.For my 20th birthday party I threw a joint birthday party with my friend Nicki that was “P” themed. This meant everyone who came to the party had to come dressed as something that started with the letter P. (Best costume was this dude Kyle who came as the preamble. It was gold.) The only other rule was that no one could come as a princess because that’s what Nicki and I were being. I dressed like this:

16.I was so in love with a boy that I bought him Decemberists tickets for literally no reason. Actually, come to think of it, a lot of the moments where I look at my younger self and go, “What the actual fuck were you thinking?!” have to do with spending money on boys who didn’t appreciate me. My therapist told me that I show affection through material goods because I have difficulty expressing emotions. Whatever, I’m working on it.

17.I have written so many prose pieces about guys who I knew were pulling away from me in a sad, pathetic attempt to try and make them see that I was worth their time and attention. Spoiler alert: If a guy doesn’t even read your stuff to begin with, this will literally never work.

18. At 23 I went to Las Vegas for my best friend’s 21st birthday and the two of us go so lit up before going to the wax museum that we found a karaoke machine (it’s next to the was figure of Simon Cowell) and started serenading the entire museum with renditions of Celine Dion hits like “Taking Chances” and “The Power of Love.” We attempted to shake his hand after. We cleared the room of 70+ people. What I’m saying is, it was embarrassing.

19. I was really bad about remembering to renew my tags for my car in college and was pulled over for said offense one summer, and still didn’t renew my tags. 7 months (yes I know, I was/am the worst) later I was pulled over AGAIN for the same thing. Apparently there was a warrant out for my arrest and the officer decided midnight was the appropriate time to lecture me about this. Catch? I had just finished a performance ofwhich, if you’re not familiar, is set in Japan. So I was in FULL kabuki makeup while this policeman decided to lecture me about my fuck up. I was sobbing, Ben Nye makeup was smearing everywhere, he felt pretty bad. It was overall just a mess. But I didn’t go to jail. Thanks, Missoula Cop who didn’t take me in while I was still rocking the geisha makeup. I really appreciate it.

20.Iwas feeling vulnerable and sad one Halloween and decided the cure to this was hooking up with my friend’s much younger, VERY hot, trying to be a stripper friend. It was fine, it was whatever. But we hooked up on the floor of an apartment which was basically concrete. I ended up slipping a disc, bruising my tailbone, and having to spend the next 3 months getting chiropractic work to make my back okay again.He was hot, but not hot enough to justify that amount of back pain. #srynotsry

21.I got violently ill once from antibiotics and promptly shit in my leggings after trusting the fart. There is more to the story but again, saving it for my future bestseller.

22. I thought this was a good look. And also did this in public.

23.In college I played Columbia in the live musical version of where, for the midnight shows only, we were topless. I debated about it, but it was a paid gig and I felt fine about it so I decided sure, why not. My boyfriend at the time was NOT okay with it. I later found out he adamantly REFUSED to let his friends come to the show, even going so far as to pay them back for the tickets they had already purchased. I didn’t find this out for years and it still makes me super embarrassed for his behavior.

24.A guy broke up with me when I was 25 because I didn’t make enough eye contact. That was his honest to god reason. (Still bitter.)

25.I went on a mini vacation with some friends to Austin, Texas for my 26th birthday and decided to really just GO for it when I was there. This meant doing one of the ultimate “why not” moments: the Tinder one night stand. Only problem? We didn’t know our way around Texas and I didn’t bring any condoms. So my solution was to have Postmates deliver them. I didn’t even try to play it off and ordered like, chips and gum to make it better. I straight up just ordered a box of 16 Trojan’s to the AirBnb. The delivery man was loling, my “date” was loling, my friends were loling. It was lols all around. 10/10 recommend.

26. A friend of mine came to Seattle for an audition and I took her out one night to blow off some steam/show her the city. We ended up drinking all night with a professional indoor soccer team from Vegas, and I definitely got naked in a photobooth with a bunch of them. Somehow though, I still didn’t get laid. Only I could be one of two girls surrounded by a bunch of guys who were hot, professional athletes, show them all of my tattoos that required me taking my clothes off, and end up going home to eat queso in bed.

27.I lived. I made memories. Or I had those memories told back to me because I didn’t really…well… them. And even though sometimes that makes me all “god dammit smdh” I honestly think it’s pretty dope that I have all of these stories – cringeworthy or what have you.

Plus I once peed on my neighbor’s lawn furniture because she was threatening to call the cops on my Harry Potter themed party. And you can’t pay money for those kinds of stories.

Source: http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/30/27-of-my-most-cringeworthy-moments-from-my-early-twenties-i-will-recount-here-for-your-entertainment/

from All of Beer https://allofbeer.wordpress.com/2017/08/30/27-of-my-most-cringeworthy-moments-from-my-early-twenties-i-will-recount-here-for-your-entertainment/

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adambstingus · 7 years

Text

27 Of My Most Cringeworthy Moments From My Early Twenties I Will Recount Here For Your Entertainment

If you are my mother or my father or are in any way affiliated with them, please stop reading right here. Unless you’re Aunt Julie. Because you can hang, Jules.

4. Once I got drunk in a field solely so I could hang out with a goat named Penelope. Here’s a picture:

7. At 25 I got so heated with a cab driver after a long night that he ended up calling the police on me. From my own phone. Saving that whole story for my eventual Lifetime movie. But it happened.

10. I left my number on more coasters and napkins for cute bartenders than I can even remember. It’s not really a cute move though, and I fully shake my head at myself now.

“curiosity often leads to trouble.”

A photo posted by Kendra Syrdal (@kendrasyrdal) on Apr 6, 2013 at 4:58pm PDT

21.I got violently ill once from antibiotics and promptly shit in my leggings after trusting the fart. There is more to the story but again, saving it for my future bestseller.

22. I thought this was a good look. And also did this in public.

24.A guy broke up with me when I was 25 because I didn’t make enough eye contact. That was his honest to god reason. (Still bitter.)

Plus I once peed on my neighbor’s lawn furniture because she was threatening to call the cops on my Harry Potter themed party. And you can’t pay money for those kinds of stories.

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/08/30/27-of-my-most-cringeworthy-moments-from-my-early-twenties-i-will-recount-here-for-your-entertainment/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/164769835047

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mrsdslifestyle · 7 years

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My first week of being 31 years old, I have to say has been a good one! Let me give you a round up . . .

Number one

Monday 20th March was my birthday and it was the most unbirthday birthday I have ever had, but that is just how I wanted it and liked it. Pretty much it was a Monday like any other, work all day and no birthday fuss. The best part of Monday was wearing my new shoes!

Number two

Yes you might recognise them from my previous post Window Shopping, I fell in love with them so much I just had to buy them in Stradivarius.

‘Life is too short to wear boring shoes!’

I teamed them with navy leggings and one of my favourite denim embroidered shirts.

Number three

Wednesday I had a doctors appointment for my ribs (12 weeks to heal, not the news I was hoping for), anyway, surprisingly the traffic was really light to I arrived down with 40 minutes to kill before my appointment time. So I decided to treat myself to a coffee and traybake (I had had a pretty tough day) from two local businesses; Coffee Cure and new Artisan Bakery in the town Sprinkles and Crumbs. I’m not going to give too much away just now as I have a future post planned, but I will say they were delicious and totally hit the spot!

Number four

OK, maybe I’m sad, but yes a highlight of my week was picking up some new Batise dry shampoo from Tesco. I picked these up on a 3 for 2 offer, these are some of the scents I love and I was looking to try out the ‘Heavenly Volume‘. Note to you all, you don’t need as much of the heavenly volume as you might apply of the normal dry shampoos, I learnt this the hard way, hair like a bird’s nest if I tell you the truth. It definitely does what it says on the tin!

Number five

The nails got a revamp. I had infills for my acrylic nails and this time round I showed the fabulous Lorriane from Beauty N Lurgan a few of the ideas I liked and told her to decide what she wanted to do. Nude-pink gel polish over the acrylic on my nails with a glitter detail on my ring finger. This is one thing, without fail I treat myself to, I don’t often get my hair done or spoil myself with beauty treatments, but for me my nails are a must and I get about 6-8 weeks out of them.

Number six

I baked for the first time in ages, taking inspiration from Layer Cake who featured in my post Mmm, delicious!. I loved their Malteeser Rocky Roads so thought I would have a go at making an Easter themed recipe with Kinder Bueno mini eggs. I was planning to share it with you all but after tasting it I think there is something missing and being the perfectionist that I am, I don’t want to share something pants!

Number seven

Saturday night was birthday dinner out with some of my girls. Maybe dare I say it I have grown up slightly and gone are the days of drinking like a fish, getting all dolled up and spending a fortune on a night out. This year it was all about good food, good drinks and good company! We headed to the newly revamped AVA Bistro, again I’m not going to say too much as they are going to be featured in an upcoming post in more detail. All I will say was that the food and drinks were delicious and the company was fabulous!

With any birthday celebration an outfit is a must. I had been hunting everywhere for a new top for the occasion and between not seeing anything I liked or what I did like being a weird shape on I had given up. It had got to the stage where I had a hunt through the sale rails (very rarely do I ever seem to have any luck here) and by chance I came across this ruffled soft denim shirt by M&S Collection from Marks and Spencer down to £16. I’ve been wanting a ruffled one for a while, but never found one to fit or sit nicely over my rather big boobs. So I was so happy when I tried this one on and it both looked and felt comfy! I teamed my new shirt with a pair of statement earrings (can’t remember where from I’ve had them ages), my skinny denim jeans again from M&S Collection with a pair of stiletto nude shoes, which I love, haven’t worn in ages and despite having for years are in perfect condition!

Number eight

Last, but not least I have spent my Sunday celebrating Mother’s Day with my Mum. Headed to the cinema to watch Beauty and the Beast, which we both enjoyed. I have to say I did find it very long and although I really enjoyed the special effects and acting I don’t think I’d be in a hurry to watch it again or buy it when it comes out. Perhaps though that’s because it wasn’t my favourite Disney film as a child, mine was always Alice in Wonderland.

We’ve just had delicious Sunday roast and ready to chill out on the sofa and catch up with the new series of Grace and Frankie on Netflix. A perfect end to a pretty good first week of being 31. I hope you are all enjoying your Sunday, whether it’s celebrating Mother’s Day or not, perhaps it’s just enjoying this brighter night, now that the clocks have sprung forward.

xxx

First week in the life of a 31 year old My first week of being 31 years old, I have to say has been a good one!

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cannabihh-blog · 8 years

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Take Two - trigger warning

I’ve always wanted to be a writer. I used to be a good one too. In fact, I used to find myself romantic. I used to imagine my stories written down and how I would phrase them. I lived to believe that my experiences were for a reason, and that writing would validate me. Maybe even someone would believe me if my words were in text. If I chose the right ones, maybe they would understand me. As a young child, about six or seven, I began to narrate my life to myself to practice my diction. I saw the world around me as a movie playing below as I watched it unravel from above, only there to observe. This ability crafted a talented young writer. I was gifted, although I did not perform well in school. At eleven years old after losing my older sister to an overdose, my ability to disengage from my experiences and surroundings immediately developed into something greater. I was able to disassociate, and as an effect, could recreate my history. So, I tried my best to forget about my sister. I no longer practiced writing. I practiced feeling nothing. By the time I turned 13, I began to obsess about the idea that someone out there was waiting for me. I believed in my heart that someone was hurting just as bad as I was somewhere out there, and that one day we would find each other and the pain would go away. We would be whole. I had forgotten who I used to be, and who I wanted to be. At this point I had spent so much time alone, that I was certain this was the way life was for me. I was comfortable socializing only in my fantasy, because I was terrified of people. I had already been betrayed and hurt. I knew it would only happen again. I imagined a copy of myself. I imaged another version of myself that could pass as a boy with short flippy hair. I wanted to clone myself so that I could have a soulmate. I imagined how nice I would be to myself if given the chance. I imagined sticking up for myself when a peer commented on my appearance, or how little friends I had. I imagined holding my own hand, having someone to sit with at lunch, and receiving a flower gram at school on Valentine’s Day. In private school, everyone got something for everyone for the 14th. In public school, everyone got flowers, but me. I didn’t know anyone, and no one cared to know me. I piled my pillows up next to me on my bed and wrapped my arms around it, kissing it to sleep. I understood my place. I understood what I needed. Eventually I made a friend, who I would call my best friend. Her name was Rena. I was in love with her. I was 14, but I knew love. It was a platonic love, but I couldn’t ever tell her how much I cared because I feared she wouldn’t be my friend if she thought I was a lesbian. I don’t remember how we became friends, but I remember falling for her immediately. She had gorgeous dark olive skin, brown eyes, and was hysterically rude. She was like me. We were progressive, academically motivated, and suicidal. We spent the summer together. I don’t think we spent a day apart. When we went to high school in the fall, she began to date a boy a year older than us. His name was Douglas Archuletta. He fit in with us, because he was progressive, academically motivated, and suicidal too. I instantly hated him. He bitched too much. We called him Debbie Downer. I thought he was a burden on our friendship. We bonded over making jokes about him, then they broke up. The boy took the break up pretty hard, and out of fear that he would cause drama that would burden his ex’s and my friendship, I talked to him about his depression. His dad beat him. I felt bad, but also couldn’t stand him. I got dragged deeper into the pity party, and we became friends. I hadn’t had any experience dating, but it wasn’t long before the boundaries of friendship were pushed. We attended a youth group that fall. I shared my first kiss with him there. I thought he would be good practice for a future boyfriend because he was pushy, I was extremely anxious about kissing, and I wasn’t interested in him, so I figured why not? Just two days later, the boy and I were in the back of my mom’s van exchanging pecks. We hadn’t made out yet. I hadn’t ever made out. I was too nervous and had been avoiding it. The boy had a tendency to become aggressive when aroused. I hadn’t seen it before, but after kissing his neck two or three times, he pins my legs up above his shoulders, and pulls my panties to the side. Blood starts running down his nose. I was so scared the world around me begins turning to black, all I can do is repeat the words “No, no, no,” over and over again, but it makes no difference. He shoves his dick in my asshole and I close my eyes tight in hopes of leaving my body. I don’t. I fully experienced the pain. He doesn’t kiss me. When he’s done he drops my body back onto the seat, my dress bloodied. When I ask him why he did that after I said “no” so many times, he said “Oh, I thought you were teasing me, just playing with me.” I hadn’t ever gotten to make out with a boy yet, and my ass was filled with cum. I went home and cried until I puked. I looked in the mirror and convinced myself that this was God’s plan for me. I couldn’t handle the inevitable disappointment my parents would feel if I told them. I couldn’t handle the embarrassment of telling anyone my ass had been penetrated. I couldn’t handle the reality that I had been raped. So, like that, we began dating. Within four months my labia was bruised black, swollen like a balloon. I was in gym so girls noticed. No one asked me if I needed help. It still is black, but doesn’t hurt as bad anymore. When we broke up, Sydney Kittleson from youth group, the only person I had told when I lost my virginity it wasn’t consensual, threatened to tell the whole school that I had anal sex. I considered killing myself. When I broke up with him, he lifted me and pounded my head against the brick wall of the school pool. My friends looked at me as they passed silently. I especially remember Preston Soete. I had a crush on him in high school. Rena and I used to compete to see who he would sext the dirtiest. He kept his eyes locked on mine as he walked down the entire flight of stairs coming toward us, then walked by me, as the tennis courts went black with each collision the wall made with my head. I changed schools and went to community college. Doug changed schools too, and went to my community college. He took my classes. I couldn’t escape him, and I was damaged goods anyways. We got back together. Eventually, we broke up again, this time for good. I took suboxone, soma, and percocets every day until I went to university. I had never fully come to terms with being raped, so it wasn’t hard to repress. I was good at forgetting. I was too good at forgetting. I forgot my time as an adolescent and teenager completely, but I knew there was something I was missing. I was starting my dream life, and had this lingering feeling that I knew something that I had forgotten. There was something I was trying to tell myself. Something was on the tip of my tongue. I quickly lost my ability to articulate. I formed a stutter. I was no longer a competitive speaker in debate. I was engulfed by this feeling that I had failed myself, but I had no clue as to why. So, I emailed Doug to ask what happened between us. I felt that something bad had happened between us sexually, but couldn’t remember anything. He claimed there was nothing that happened of that nature “that he could recall.” I was going to be on his campus on my 20th birthday for a debate tournament. He offered to tell me what he could remember. I accepted. I showed up at his apartment. He had gained over 60 lbs. He lived with a boy named Bryce who I had met when we all went to the same community college. Bryce was also in debate. I watched them play FIFA. Doug seemed manic. He was talking fast, about nothing. Bryce left for the awards ceremony. I stood up and told Doug I should follow Bryce. Doug pinned me to the ground of his bedroom, putting his entire weight on me. I squeezed in between his legs and wedged through the bedroom door. Before I make it to the door to the outside, he grabbed me by the waist and my feet left the ground. He threw his weight on me as we crashed onto the floor. My breath left my lungs empty, and I felt a the strongest sense of deja vu I have ever experienced. As I was trying to breathe past my joint asthma/panic attack, he drilled his waist into my back and locked my arms in his. I was able to draw in one deep breath. I held it in and freed my arms which pushed me out from underneath him, in between his legs. He beat me to the door. I was able to crack it open an inch and wedge my foot in the door, and fought to get my thigh through. I elbowed him in the rib, and made my escape. Three days later, I woke up at 3 AM. The rape played before my eyes like a movie on a screen, and I was able to take in a breath deeper than I had in years. It has been almost exactly four years since I have remembered now. I haven’t regained my vocabulary. My stutter never went away. I haven’t used hard drugs in three months. I’ve started fantasizing about myself again. The time we could spend being sweet to each other, correcting each other. Maybe we still have the time to try again at a dream life.

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