#and for the record i actually really loved answering this don't let the extreme pain fool you

[onecanonlife]

gosh i almost feel bad for asking this but in 'careful son' what do you think would have happened if the eggpire won, through whatever means? have a lovely day!

okay so i had to sit on this for a couple of days and really think about it. and my conclusion is that you should feel bad, this ask is cruel and unusual /j /lh

but let’s get into it

so, first of all, on the most basic level, a lot of people would die, and the people who didn’t would join the egg. some i’m not sure about, but techno, eret, puffy, and tubbo would die. i think the fiances would die, and george would join the egg. sam, in ‘careful son,’ was vulnerable enough after losing a canon life and dream escaping that he’d join the egg. phil would also for sure join the egg, and that’s actually something i hinted at once. it was a super super minor detail so i’m not surprised nobody picked up on it, but from chapter eleven:

“Feels a bit scuffed,” Phil agrees, voice slightly distant. His eyes are fixed on the Egg, his fingers absently fiddling with his sword hilt.

phil was 100% hearing the egg in this moment

regarding the fiances, i think that sapnap specifically would refuse to join the egg after seeing what it did to bad, and quackity and karl (if he was there) would side with him. the egg would then have them killed. would this be enough for bad to break free? maybe, but then again, maybe not. he’s in deep at this point, and skeppy’s still in the egg, his lifeforce being fed from

tommy, dream would keep. put in the prison, maybe. not really sure i want to eleborate on this one. he’d also keep ranboo firmly under his thumb

and i think eventually, the corruption of the egg would be the destruction of the entire server. the void would claim it all, and the egg-- or rather, the entity that presented itself as an egg-- would gorge itself on the remains, and then find another server to creep into. leaving the remains of the dream smp to fade into static and glitching distortion, a hole in even the void itself. a graveyard with no graves

and dream, being at this point far more dreamon than person, would go with the egg. and i think he would take tommy with him, the sole survivor of his friends and family and the place he called home. again, not feeling super like i want to elaborate there

and then there’s wilbur

wilbur’s fate would really, really depend on the point of divergence. maybe it happens in that first confrontation in the egg room. maybe wilbur joins the egg then, thus dooming the server. or maybe it’s the second time, when dream breaks out, and maybe everyone gets overwhelmed. i don’t think i ever brought this up in canon, but after techno’s death, the egg only needed one more person’s blood to be spilt on it in order to hatch. if it hadn’t been so determined to get wilbur specifically, it could’ve won fairly easily. but maybe things go wrong in that second fight in the egg room, maybe everyone gets overwhelmed, maybe the eggpire wins that conflict and thus the war. in that scenario, wilbur dies

maybe wilbur can’t convince dreamxd to help. maybe the ambush on eret’s castle is more silent, more effective. again, wilbur probably dies

but the worst possibility of all is that wilbur gives in to the egg in that final confrontation. allows himself to be killed. because not only does the egg hatch, but wilbur never has that realization. never realizes that what he wants and what he thinks he deserves and what he actually deserves are all very different things. never realizes that he wants to live after all, and that he’s always been worthy of it

the worst possibility is that wilbur dies again, still not understanding that he’s loved. and then the rest of the server follows

it should go without saying that i never would have written that, of course. even considering the possibility is... ouch. just. ouch. but you wanted to know what would’ve happened if the eggpire won, so those are my basic thoughts

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[wendystales]

Memories - lrh (Chapter Sixteen)

Memories (also on Wattpad)

Chapter Fifteen ※ ※ ※ ※ ※ Chapter Seventeen

Luke pov.

“Do it again.” Ashton asks, staring at me intently.

We were about to leave my house for my surprise party, which I discovered in less than an hour. I was rehearsing a face of surprise so as not to end the surprise, cause I know everyone worked hard for it.

I widen my eyes, breaking into a smile.

“I can't believe you deceived me.” I say with my voice altered by the ‘surprise’.

“Don't say that, it will be very obvious that you know. Says ‘I can't believe you threw a party for me’.” he suggests.

"I can't believe you threw a party for me." I redo the entire acting.

“Yep! Me either. But what doesn't M&Ms ask, that I don't do?” Ash dries the water bottle with a shrug. “I'm just kidding.” he laughs after seeing my face.

“Speaking of her…” I fill my glass with some more wine, since it's too early for us to go. “Something new?” Ashton denies, frustrated too.

“I commented that she was acting weird, but she just changed the conversation and said that she's been busy and that she was nervous about the party.” he sighs. I massage my forehead, annoyed.

"Am I going to have to put her against the wall to get something?" I look at him, not knowing what to do.

“You know this isn't going to work. She's going to run away, you're going to fight, she's going to walk away and you're going to be more annoying than you already are.” I appreciate my friend's attempt to change the mood with provocation, but it has no effect.

"I can't find any reason to give me any sign of what's going on. Was it my fault? I knew I shouldn't have stayed with her that Saturday, I pushed the situation too hard and now she's pulling away, avoiding me-”

“Oh shut up! Don't even start with that.” Irwin raises his voice, cutting mine off. "Marnie isn't like that, she doesn’t do these things. If she wasn't comfortable she was going to talk. You said yourself that she asked you to sleep there. She let you pick her up on Monday and asked you to take her home, even after you dedicated Best Years to her. She didn't run away there, because it was remarkable how much she liked the song. You should pay more attention to the way she looks at you.”

A silly laugh escapes my lips when I see Ashton imitate her looking at me and smiling. My heart warms at the possibility that she is actually falling in love with me, just as I already am with her.

"Luke, if she didn't want to get back together, she wouldn't open up so many gaps and opportunities for you to be together. She must just be confused about the feelings. That's how it looked for the first time. Look, let's analyze her behavior today, after all the stress of the party and then we get stressed.”

I agree with my friend. I'm freaking out over something that shouldn't be very important. Maybe it's all the pressure with finishing the album. The release date is approaching and sure enough, Jim freaking out in my ear for the publicity trip we were supposed to be doing, but we're still going against it due to Marnie's accident.

I don't know how many times I have to tell him I'm not leaving LA yet. This delay wasn't hindering anything, so I don't know why he makes such a point.

“Go, get rid of that dead face and let's enjoy your party.” Ash slaps my shoulder.

We left the house, heading to Jack's house, where the party would be. I've been training my face the entire way, wanting it to be as realistic as possible, even though everyone already suspects that I know.

Even if I didn't know it, the moment I see the street full of cars, I realize that I would find out there. Irwin tells them we're coming and I notice the noise of the music fade away. Discreet.

We entered the house, finding everything quiet and tidy. But when we turn to the kitchen and garden, a lot of people scream in surprise. I take a step back, like I'm really shocked.

"I can't believe you did that." I look at Ash, wanting to see that I did well. But his expression ‘so so’ disappoints me.

“In the car it was better.” he says before walking away and letting people get closer.

I don't know how many people I hugged, but I know the only one I wanted to see was the last one to arrive. I hold my breath, seeing her in a black leather skirt and a transparent black blouse, highlighting her tattoo between her breasts.

I swallow hard, cracking a nervous smile as she approaches with a huge grin, almost jumping into my lap. Unlike yesterday, where I just got a congratulations message, M&Ms hug me, leaving a lingering kiss on my cheek.

“Happy Birthday!” the gleam in her eyes proves to me she's already a little high.

I resist the urge to steal a kiss from her lips, just kissing her cheek back but giving her waist a squeeze, pressing her against my body. She seems to notice my intent, drastically changing her breathing.

"I wanted to talk to you later. If possible.” I say against her ear.

“About?” her eyes sweep me for any clues.

“Surprise.” I reveal, seeing her roll her eyes in agreement.

I watch her walk away with the girls, but she doesn't fully break eye contact with me, looking at me from afar. I let out a breath, realizing it's going to be a long night and another long battle to resist her and the urge to take her to a dark corner.

In the kitchen, where most of the drinks are, I start my work, drinking the alcohol, enjoying the burning sensation that the liquid leaves in my throat. I get distracted with video game conversation and allow my mind to relax with lighter, more relaxed topics.

The party had been going on for a few hours. My head is already light, due to the high alcohol content my body retains. I know I'm laughing at some bullshit Brian is talking about, even though his words don't make any sense in my mind. Maybe I've already had too much to drink and it's better to stop for a while. I don't want to be sick at my own party.

The term vibrates in my mind and I start searching the crowd for the cotton candy hair, worried about her condition. The feeling pulls my head out of the air, sobering me up for a few minutes.

I find her dancing hand in hand with Noah, laughing at the older man's exaggerated steps. I stare at the scene, happy that she is enjoying herself. Unlike at the beginning of the week, Marnie is now upbeat and not acting. Maybe Irwin is right and she was just stressed about the birthday party.

I push my thoughts away, concentrating on yet another beer pong game. I've played more times than I could count and I'm starting to doubt the two arms Jack has won since my last drink.

“Problems.” Michael sings beside me, pointing to the door. Pam walked in smiling excitedly, holding hands with a guy who sure as hell didn't want to be there. It's not possible…

Sobriety hits me like a cannon. All the alcohol and smoke that was in my body is gone and I am able to think clearly for the first time since I arrived.

I massage my forehead, bringing my gaze to Marnie, who's already staring at Pam without a specific expression. I cross the room with incredible ease, reaching for her, hugging her waist, pulling her to me.

“We can talk now?” Marnie didn't even seem to hear me, still staring at Pam, who was greeting some people. "M&Ms?" I call closer to her ear, but no effect. “Hey!” I drop a kiss to her temple, squeezing her waist.

Her green eyes cross mine and I can palpate the insecurity in them. Marnie just nodded, letting me lead her out of the room. We went up to a room, being alone. I look at her face, still half lost, and I approach slowly, feeling that little box weigh tons in my pocket.

“What do you want to talk about?” she gives a slight smile, turning her full attention to me.

“First I wanted to apologize for Pam. I didn't know what she was going to come.” Marnie rolls her eyes, shrugging.

“It’s OK! No need to apologize. My head is so full I don't even care about her anymore.” she sits up in bed, crossing her legs.

“And I believe she won't even mind us today, after all, she came with someone” I sat beside her.

“Yeah! Poor guy.” I let out a laugh at her pity for the poor boy. “It was just that?”

I lose myself in her eyes for a few seconds, wondering if that's all. I draw her face in my mind once more, recording every feature I fell in love with. My lips tingle as I landed my eyes on her mouth, slightly reddened by the drink.

At another time, right now she and I would be locked in some bathroom or bedroom, succumbing to desire and the alcohol in our blood. My fingertips ache amidst the memories of all the times I have run across her skin, feeling it burn under my touch.

My mind starts to cloud and the flashes of the two of us become more and more vivid. I try to push those thoughts away, but they seem to sink into my mind with force. My body heats up with every scene my mind plays. I feel the blood running the wrong way and I don't know how to stop it.

"Luke?" I'm startled by your touch on my hand. Marnie was looking at me with a mixture of curiosity and concern. “Are you okay?” I watch her hand squeeze mine, like she always did when I was angry or upset.

And just with that touch, everything stops inside me. The fire is gone and now I'm seized by a gigantic pain and rage in my chest, a rage for her being ripped from me so abruptly. I stare at her fingers moving gently, transmitting a caress throughout my body.

"Luke?" now she was looking at me extremely worried.

“Sorry. I think the drink hit.” I open a smile, trying to calm her down. M&Ms don't seem to buy much, but she smiles smugly.

“I already told you you're drinking a lot. In a little while you'll be passed out and won't even enjoy your own birthday party.” my smile widens in the midst of her care. "Don't give me that smile." she pushes my face away. "Is that all you wanted to talk about?"

“No!” this time I answer faster. “Actually, I wanted to give you something.” I fish the little white box in my pocket, feeling my fingers as soft as jelly. What if she doesn't like it? What if she gets angry?

“You know it's your birthday, right? You're the one who should get presents, not give. Especially for me.” she looks at me angrily, not wanting to accept the box.

"Well, it's my birthday and I'll do what I want, in which case I give it to you." I place the object in her hands. “I wanted to wait until your birthday, but it's still far away and I can't take it.” I lift my shoulders quickly, making her laugh.

Taking advantage of the fact that she was involved with the present, slowly, I move closer to her body, contenting myself with the least contact we have. I notice Marnie hold her breath at the sight of the blue quartz necklace, just like the one she had.

With no more reaction than that, I start to convince myself that I've fucked up and she hated it. It wasn't the time yet, as much as everything was going well, it wasn't the time yet.

“I can't believe you did this.” her voice comes out in a breath in surprise. I let my mind race to our first Christmas, where she gave me my necklace and I gave that star to her.

“If you don't like it…” my voice trails off as I see her eyes watery and filled with joy. It was the right time.

I'm not afraid to advance towards her, covering your lips with mine in a short kiss. The cherry taste becomes my favorite for the rest of the night. Marnie wipes her tears as she calls herself pathetic for crying.

"I know we used it as a dating ring, but it doesn't have to be-”

"Could you put it on for me?" she interrupts me, not caring about my fear. With my hands still trembling and cold, I close the necklace around her neck, enjoying the scene of her smiling enchanted by that stone. “Thanks!”

This time it is she who steps forward, stealing a kiss. The mood changes drastically. The screams outside seem to die in my ears, leaving only silence. The music that used to burst had ceased to exist.

That little kiss breaks, but she doesn't pull away, keeping her forehead still glued to mine. I'm startled when her eyes return to mine, I can see her perfectly there, in front of me, in my arms. I recognize that glow, that look and what it wanted to convey.

It was her there. The reason I get up every morning. The reason that makes me want to be better and better. The person I always want to impress. My girl. My Marnie.

I bring my hand to the back of her neck, bringing our lips together once more. I feel goose bumps as our tongues touch and her hand cups my face, holding me there. If she knew the last thing I want is to run away…

I'm surprised I feel despair on her side. The urgency on her lips. The need for the touch of her hands, the way they ran through my hair, the back of my neck and chest.

Easily, I pull her onto my lap, moaning, feeling her body against mine after so long. The fire that had previously ceased inside me, runs again through my veins, making everything too cloudy. I can't reason whether this was right or not. We both drink too much. She still hasn't given me full openness to so much attitude, even though she's still here, kissing me.

I try for a few minutes to clear my mind, to be a little rational and not get carried away by emotion, but the sound her mouth makes when I touch her neck with my lips ruins whatever train of thought I was building.

I touch the exact spots that make her moan and scramble for more friction. I watch thirstily as her eyes roll back and her lip is bitten in an attempt to control the moans. Her nails scratch the back of my neck, releasing an electric current that migrates between my legs.

I gasp when I feel her rub against my groin, spreading a current throughout my body. I want to beg her to do it again, but it's not really necessary, she knows and she does. So excruciating, but so good. Again I am startled to find that glow that I knew so much. I wonder where this Marnie was all along.

I shove my hand inside her shirt, enjoying her burning skin. I stroke the spot below her bra with my thumb, wanting not to frighten her. I suck the skin under her ear, lapping it with my tongue. My body combusts as she stirs and presses her crotch harder against mine. I cup her breast with enjoyment, hearing her call my name the way I liked it best.

Her desperate hands run inside my jacket, wanting to throw it away. I was ready to help when a heavy knock on the door disrupts our moment.

"What the fuck is it?" anger rips up my throat, causing a very angry scream. So much time to interrupt.

"It's time to cut the cake." I hear Calum's voice and feel like throwing him from the second floor.

“Serious? Stick the cake in your-” two small hands cover my mouth, preventing me from continuing.

“We're on our way, Cal.” Marnie yells louder and breathless.

I watch your body soften, lost and, I fear, even regretful. She is no longer there. She avoids looking at me, perhaps out of shame.

“It was better this way.” her sweet voice comes closer to a whisper.

“Was?” I stare at her, not wanting to accept that I was the only one to feel it. I know I wasn't, because her expression tells me I'm right.

“Was! You know it was.” her tone is still sweet, but her gaze is hard. "I think we'd better go downstairs." she gets up carefully, getting out of bed. I throw my head against my hands, visibly frustrated.

"Go ahead, I need to get both heads in place." I throw my body against the mattress.

“Sorry, Luke.” I can't stand her feeling guilty when she's the biggest victim of all this.

"M&Ms?" I leap out of bed, grabbing her before disappearing through the door. “It's not your fault. I'm the one who lost control, I'm sorry. You didn't give me the opening to attack you like that and I let myself go…” her lips silence me.

“It wasn't anyone's fault, can we do that?” I nod, stealing the last kiss before I let her go. "I'll wait for you downstairs." she announce.

I turn around, heading back to bed, still feeling frustration coursing through my veins.

“Hey!” I turn to see her there, standing in the doorway. My chest races with yearning from the many times I've seen her do the same scene. My ears and heart ache wanting to hear those words that always came next. Those three words that were so beautiful in her mouth. “Thanks for this.” she smiles and leaves.

I stare at the wood, snapping back to reality. I'm such an idiot for thinking she was going to say she loves me. I hide my face, exhausted. I look across the bed, able to see the two of us there, so given to each other.

I replay the scene in my head, tasting her kiss on my lips. Feeling my body tingle, still wanting her touch. The pressure on my pants becomes bigger and more uncomfortable. I need to make this go away. I scramble my mind for many things to calm myself down, but I can't. I can still feel her hands running around the back of my neck and her groin against mine.

"Shit!" I give up, going to the bathroom and locking myself in there. I don't care if I'm late, or what they think. I won't be able to eliminate this with thoughts alone.

I lower my pants and underwear, releasing my already throbbing member. I run my hand over it, making my body vibrate in relief. I let my mind flood with all thoughts and memories with her, feeling my body inflate further.

I increase my speed, being able to feel her touch through my body. I punch the wall, feeling my stomach contract. I rest my forehead against the cool coating, letting out several sighs. Her eyes flash in my mind.

The many times I've seen her face twist in pure orgasm under my touch. That smirk and that vulgar glow she always lets off before pulling me aside. And I always did, like a puppy.

My breathing gets out of control as I reach my orgasm. A wave of relief and lightness overcomes me, along with a wave of guilt. It must have been the 15th time since it all happened.

I can't have her. I can't stand the idea of ​​looking for someone else, even though we are not officially together, so I have to get by with baths and my bare hands, but as a result I feel like the dirtiest human being, as she doesn't even suspect.

I walk down the stairs, not attracting any attention. I find her sitting on the couch, on Leah's lap, laughing at some imitation Ashton was doing. I approach the group, who make no fuss about my delay.

I pick up the bottle of white wine on the coffee table, flipping half the contents. I feel her green eyes burn on me and I don't even have the courage to reciprocate by ignoring her.

“Is everything OK? Sorry if I messed something up.” Hood says next.

“It's OK! In fact, it was better, if you didn't show up, we would have done something stupid.” I say dry.

"Is that why this sour face?" he raises an eyebrow.

"I'm feeling awful for almost bringing her to this and not having the conscience to stop." I reveal a part of the guilt that burns in me.

“Luke, you are not complete strangers. And maybe she really wanted to go further, she just didn't know how. After all, at that moment she was supposed to be your f-”

"I know!" I cut it off, not wanting to hear the rest of the sentence.

For my salvation, someone starts to sing happy birthday and the matter is closed. I open a smile disguising the shit my head was on. Michael puts a little purple hat on my head, blowing a plastic horn, very excited.

The scene makes me laugh, relieving the stress. I watch Leah and Kyleen swing colorful pom poms behind Marnie, who is holding a small cake with several candles.

I look deep into her eyes, noticing her happiness to be there and somehow mine too. After all, she's here, even if she doesn't remember much, she's still here. The accident could have been a lot worse and I could have lost her forever.

I push the damn thoughts away, blowing out the candles and driving everyone crazy. I'm surprised when Marnie leans in, stealing a kiss, not caring that she's in front of everyone. Her rosy cheeks manage to steal a smile far bigger than Michael did.

In the back of the room, I notice Pam with her arms crossed and sulking. I don't know if Marnie did it on purpose, intent on teasing, but something she did, and if Pam is pissed off, we're happy.

The clock was already showing around 5:00 in the morning. I've already fluctuated my alcohol level more times than I can count. While the boys filled me with rum, M&Ms filled me with water and food, afraid I would go into an alcoholic coma or whatever. Of course I took advantage of her concern and all the attention she was giving me.

At some point during the party, Michael took over the DJ's table and there we were, jumping up behind him, singing I Want It That Way at the top of our lungs, with the lost girls trying to do the choreography. That was definitely the best thing about the party, right after my moment with Marnie in the bedroom.

Right after his moment commanding the party's playlist, Clifford decided to climb on the roof to jump into the pool. Something that was already taking a while to happen. What he and no one expected was Marnie yelling at him, worried.

“It's comical, because if it weren't for the amnesia and the lack of alcohol, she would be the one on the roof.” Irwin comments lying beside me, watching the scene of her yelling at Michael, asking him to come down.

“And we called the fire department because she got stuck again.” I shake my head, wanting not to laugh at the memories. “Good times.” I'm toasting my friend, still watching her worriedly behind the older one.

Sitting in the garden, talking to some friends, I watch the girl laughing in a circle with Noah and Calum. She gets up, walking into the house, returning in a few minutes. I watch her come around, stopping behind me.

“Now the one who needs to talk is me.” she whispers in my ear. I don't think twice about taking your hand and heading out of the wheel chat.

I can see a large package in her hands and the idea of ​​being my gift makes me anxious. A little farther away from the mess that remained, she hands me the black box with a gold bow on top. Before opening it, I take a look at her excited smile, letting out a laugh.

I find five rings and three necklaces arranged around the box. I can't hold back the smile, seeing what she's chosen. I know I might look like an idiot for some jewelry, but it's amazing jewelry she picked out.

“You liked?” she bites her lower lip, curious.

“I loved!” I hug your body, thanking her. I know she has no intentions other than to give me a birthday present, but of course I will wear these rings and necklaces with more affection than usual. “Thanks.” I mean, still ecstatic.

Hand in hand, we approached the crowd again, bumping into Kiki, Sophie and Michael.

“We were thinking about going to Michael's house. The party is already boring and I'm hungry.” Kiki comments. I look a little offended at her, after all, that was my birthday party. “Oh! Nothing personal.” she laughs, slapping me on the shoulder.

“What do you think?” I ask the M&Ms, who shrug their shoulders. "Have you talked to the rest?"

“Leah was going to call Noah and Ash, we were going to rescue Calum.”

“OK! We'll get our stuff and meet you at the door.” Marnie agrees and so we disperse.

Still holding hands, we walked back upstairs, looking for her bag. In the kitchen, I grab a bottle of vodka, a tequila, and a whiskey, trying to put everything in my bag, but it doesn't quite work.

“We should take advantage of the gathering and have your liver funeral.” I turn to Marnie who glares at me, seeing three bottles in my arm and me struggling to open one of beer.

Easily, we made our way to the front door, finding Kiki and Sophie. Gradually, everyone arrived and so we left the party, without saying goodbye to anyone.

“Uh, tequila?” Hood comes towards me, hugging the bottle.

Michael's house was the closest and, having drunk too much, we thought we'd better walk.

On the way, we stopped at a bakery, buying a bunch of things to eat. The day was already showing signs of life when we arrived at Mike's house. At the dinner table, we spread out the stolen drinks and food, starting our round table, as well as picking up several board games that Michael kept.

“I wanted to propose a toast to Mr. Luke Hemmings.” Noah draws the toast, making everyone raise their glasses and bottles. “One of the few people worth meeting in this hellish city where you can't trust anyone. The other people are unfortunately not present…”

A shower of paper balls and food flies towards the 20 minutes older twin. I'm surprised when I watch Marnie leave my arms, standing up.

“I also wanted to give a speech.”

“You didn't have to, babe.” I say, shaking her hand that still had our fingers intertwined.

“It's not about you.” she sticks out her tongue, causing everyone to scream.

“Ouch!” I put my hand to my chest, accepting the blow and still feeling my heart race.

“Shut up.” she screams, laughing. “Well, I wanted to make this toast in thanks to all of you. I know it's been three years of friendship, but for me it's only been a month and even with all the confusion and breakup.” her fingers squeeze mine and I move them, giving them a light caress. “You still took me in and took great care of me. I am eternally grateful for that. Leah doesn't even start crying, I need to get this over with and if I cry it's going to go wrong.” the mood breaks a little with the laughter. “Bottom line, I just want to say that whatever the future holds, I like you all a lot and that this isn't just a bunch of crazy friendship the universe threw at me, it's the family I've been looking for. As Noah said, you're the few people worth living in this hell of a city and I love you all so much. Cheers!”

Everyone raises their glasses once more, toasting her speech. I cross my gaze with Leah, who has also noticed something odd. She still hadn't commented on Monday's episode and I still had it hanging around in my mind.

It was very visible that something was troubling her. Her eyes wandering lost, her disappearance since Monday until today, claiming to be super busy and out of time. Everyone was sensing that something was wrong, but she wouldn't let go or comment on it.

“Especially you.” I focus my attention on her, who settles back into my arms. “Regardless of our future, I like you very much.” she whispers, before pressing her lips to mine. “Please never forget that. Promise?”

I get lost in her eyes, noticing a hint of fear and pain in them. It's horrible to see her like this and not know what to do. For nothing in this world I want her to feel unprotected or alone, she said herself that we are a family, so she wouldn't have to face anything alone.

“Only if you promise me you'll tell me what's going on.” I play hard, not caring if this becomes an issue between us, or if it pushes her away a little.

“Luke…” my name comes out in a painful sigh.

"Marnie." I say her name harshly, wanting her to understand that I won't change my mind.

“I'll tell. Just not today. Today is your day and that's what matters to me. So please let's enjoy?” she begs. As always, I surrender, nodding. I drop a kiss to her forehead, before pulling her to my chest again.

Hastings still looks at me suspiciously and unfortunately I only have reason to agree with her. Something was up with Marnie and she didn't want to tell us.

A minute of silence, our baby is turning 25 today and I am not knowing how to handle it.

[cherry-ber]

“You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy?”

Pairing: idol! Mark Lee x female reader

Plot: Lonesome creeps into everyone's mind, even those who seem to have it all.

Genre: fluff mostly, angst.

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, extremely painful for me to write this since I feel lonely idk if that triggers you too.

A.N: inspired by the first draft of too drunk to fuck and my bff's dependence of wine to exist 😳 this took me 10 hours to write but it might still be pretty shit. And yeah Clueless some how

After a long, long week of continuous recordings, dance practices, re-recordings and photo sessions, all he wanted to do, was sleep for twenty hours straight. He knew that he was a very lucky man, he was really living the dream. Not everyone was able to do what they loved, with people they genuinely liked, and still get payed for it, but he was. He had always been grateful, he knew the real value of things in real life, and sometimes he felt like he didn't even deserve it.

An insane amount of people knew his name, knew him, and constantly made sure that he knew how appreciated he was, but he couldn’t understand it at all. Sure, he proved himself over and over again how great he could be, and he was proud too, but why did people really loved him? Sometimes it's easy to lose yourself, but lately he was struggling even more, he felt lost and unworthy, he felt guilty, even, because he shouldn't feel this way.

Mark was home alone, after his friends went out to have dinner and drinks. He excused himself out of the reunion saying that he would call his parents and then heading straight to the bed. He wasn't lying at all, he did have a small call with his family, and then went to his room, expecting that he'd fall asleep soon and forget about what he was feeling, he was done with that for today.

He played a movie in his computer, knowing that whatever it was, he wasn't paying attention anyway. He hated to admit it, but he felt like he was missing something, rather, someone. He felt ridiculous, knowing how much people loved him, how many friends he had, but he couldn’t help it, he would be lying if he didn't say he could use a little company. Mark was busy most of the time, which, although tiring, was an escape from his loneliness, it was moments like this where he'd have enough time to sink in this small puddle of angsty feelings, that just grew until it was as big as an ocean. He couldn't explain why he felt so bad, he had enough friends to count on, and even when he considered he was only in need of a physical affect, it turned out to not be the answer, even when he masturbated, when he was finished, those feelings were still there. As the movie went on without him noticing, he turned his head to the side, and imagined someone next to him, wearing his clothes and stealing his blanket. He giggles, imagining cuddling someone to sleep, their heat making him feel home. He finally closes his tired eyes with a smile, hoping his dreams will be sweet and last long.

He wakes up in a bad mood, and doesn't really want to talk to anyone, his older friends notice, and decide to let him be, they know that if something is really wrong, he'll come to them eventually. After a quick shower, he decided he needed some privacy, some time alone, despite being scared of being stuck with himself, and went out on his own, ignoring the texts on the group chat, where everyone wondered where he was going. He had breakfast in a small Cafe, went to a movie matinee, an art gallery, a theater play, and then to a mall to buy himself expensive clothes. He had an okay day, and he grew a little bit of joy, finding himself alone and still almost enjoying his time, but mostly, ignoring his mind when he saw a couple, and wished he could have that too. He enters a restaurant, intending to order something take out for his friends, as an apology for being moody and worrying them. He waits stand up next to the door, with a cup of coffee they offered him, until he suddenly turns around after hearing his order being ready, and ceashes with someone as he does. He spilled his drink over his and their clothes. He starts apologizing, but all he gets as a response is a soft, sweet giggle. He looks to the stranger's face, and is met with a fond smile.

“It's okay, go get your food, I can fix myself”

He's caught off guard, and all he can do is shake his head yes and do as he is told, coming back to them, apologizing again.

“I'm such an idiot, I'm so sorry” he's totally embarrassed, and he feels a blush running through his face.

“It's alright, it wasn't your fault”

The stranger walks inside to take a table, and he rushes out, walking back home. That giggle makes its way to his mind a couple times as he arrives.

After eating, he goes to bed, feeling somehow full with himself, but he doesn't know if it was after forcing himself to like him, or if he was so desperate for someone that a small interaction like that would get him sleepless thinking this person would be his person.

On that same week, he founds himself running into that same stranger everywhere. When he goes get coffee with his friends, when they go to buy groceries, when he heads to the studio, and he wonders if he should be worrying, but decides not to.

Surprisingly, he founds her again, when he is entering a new coffee shop, and she walks her way out. He opens the door for her, and is met with her fond smile again, that grows larger as she recalls his face. She mumbles a sweet 'thank you' and keeps walking. Some courage grows inside Mark, and blurts out whatever his brain was fast enough to say.

“Thanks for not spilling that coffee back” the young lady finds the sentence, although awkward, funny, and turns back to him to reply.

“Maybe I should pay for your coffee, though, you were enjoying it until I crashed into you” Her melodic voice is enough to put Mark in a trance, and loses control of what he's doing, disconnecting from his awkward self.

“Actually it was my fault” he giggles remembering how sweet she was, even after Mark probably just ruined her day “Did you get a horrible stain?”

She walks closer to him, small steps that make his heart beat faster.

“It wasn't horrible, I wouldn't say that, it was just, slightly bad”

“I don't want to be a weirdo, are you busy right now? I could use some chatting, and I really owe your laundry money”

She was never an outgoing person, but she was flattered by his proposal. She was meeting someone, but she figured it wouldn't be important enough to not cancel.

“I would love that, but you owe me nothing” she giggles and walks beside him into an empty table.

“I'm Mark, by the way”

“I know that” she laughs it off, attempting for things not to be awkward “My name is Y/N”

It was only after several months, that Mark found himself, again, over thinking about how lonely he was, and how desperate he was for it to end. Whenever he had the chance, he'd spend time with his new friend, and for some weeks, thats was enough, until he realized that, all she wanted from him, was a friendship. His friends noticed, too, how after a while, that wasn't enough for him, but he was terrified he'd lose her, but they'd often try to help him out in whatever way other men would think was best, teasing her when she was at the dorms, insinuating how cute of a couple they'd be, and shamelessly asking if by any chance, she'd have feelings for him, never really giving away Mark's crush on her, not explicitly at least.

One afternoon, when they were all watching a movie together, when suddenly, Johnny and Taeyong convinced everyone to go out and have dinner, even after Mark suggested they just called the restaurant, because he was too tired to go out.

“Oh” Taeyong said, grabbing his keys and putting on a hat “then you can stay here with Y/N and order something and we can take our time”

The girl was a little disappointed, she loved spending time with the other guys two, but she agreed, knowing that Mark wouldn't want be convinced to leave the couch.

She sees then leave, and turns around to look at her friend, somehow aware of what his friends were trying to do; leave them alone, after last night they discussed Mark should just accept the reject, and confess. The boy asked, pleaded and begged them not to leave them alone, after he opened up about his feelings, but of course, his friends thought they'd know better.

“Can you order pizza while I take a shower?” his attention called back to where he was, as the sweet woman walked into the living room, with a bottle of wine and two cups. Mark chocked in his spit, when the thought of her showering, and how much he'd love to enter the scene, crossed his mind.

“Yeah, sure” he watched her walking away “Do you want some clothes?”

“Well, if I could steal one of your hodies tonight, I wouldn't mind”

He does as he's asked, calling a pizzeria and taking off his hoodie, hoping that she'd appreciate the smell of his cologne, that he wears only when she's coming around.

When she comes out, wearing her jeans and tank top, he throws the sweater at her, she puts it on and sits in the couch next to him, ready to start eating, reaching out for the bottle to serve them a cup after the first bite.

“I don't want to drink that” he'd never been a fan of alcohol, he knew he could use a boost, but he was still afraid of it.

“Huh? Why is that?”

“I don't drink wine” She recalled how he'd often drink with Johnny and her, whenever Johnny wanted to open a bottle, which happened quite often, but decided not to insist, although she did pour a cup for herself.

Mark, and any other men, really, always wondered what could she be thinking about, she was wild, energetic, but calmed and peaceful, she was always kind, but wouldn't hesitate to start a fight if to defend herself or someone else, she was never scared, but she was sensitive and fragile. He couldn't help the sigh that left his body, remembering why he had feelings for her in the first place. He knew how much she'd hate to be in a relationship, they had already discussed it, after some girl confessed to Mark, and she mentioned how relationships to her were useless, since she got all the love she wanted from her friends, and that way, she made sure that all the love she gave was reciprocal. When he told his manager about his feelings, expecting him to give him helpful advice, he just told him to forget about her. “women like her are too complicated, it's not worth it”. He wondered then, how many other guys would think the same, and refused to be one of those.

They were both full, and cuddling in the couch, she was sipping her second cup, when Mark suddenly poured a cup for himself too, and drank it in one large sip. He felt a rush through his body, his face flustered, and a numb sensation in his limbs. He was trying to keep himself still, but the sudden alcohol in his body made him bubbly and the woman next to him realized. The cheesy romcom that was playing on the back made him giggle in every other scene, and with every minute that went by, he felt looser and looser. He served another cup and drank it just as fast as the first one. Soon, he found himself leaning towards the body that sat next to him. Y/N pat her thigh, inviting Mark to rest his head there, which he did, while fidgeting with his fingers.

“You notice how wine makes people wanna feel, like sexy” he lets out in a serious tone.

Giggly, his friend shakes her head no, and places her cup in the table in front of them. “Do you feel like sexy?”

He sits himself back, eyes wide open, same serious expression in his face.

“I guess so?” he laughs at how dumb he must sound “I feel... Jiggly”

Her sweet, loud laugh fills the room, and Mark is proud of himself for making her so happy.

“Love, you should go to sleep already” he feels his face hotter and hotter, and can only imagine how red he must be “you were already tired, I'll clean up and meet you in your room-”

Mark bursts out of his bubble and speaks

“Don't do that” he says softly, as if he was genuinely hurt by her words “Please, don't do that”

Worried, Y/N walks closer to him, “Do what?”

He looks down to his feet, feeling tears forming in his eyeballs, product of his low alcohol tolerance, and his overall emotional state. “Dont call me love. You don't love me”

She reaches for his hands, attempting to make him look straight at her eyes “Of course I love you Mark”

“Not the way I want you to”

She had never been good with other people's feelings, especially romantic feelings, she had a hard time catching indirects.

“In which way is that?” hesitant, Mark stares at her for a couple seconds, before staring at her lips, too numb to do better, he grabes her chin and pulls her closer to him, a sweet, slow kiss surprising her as much as himself. When he pulls away and expects a response of any kind, all she can do is try to look at him.

“Oh, Mark” she finally manages to say “is this the way you feel?” he nods, still nervous but hopeful that she'll feel the same “You're drunk, go to sleep” she turns around as she cleans as quick as she can, as mark makes his way to his room, or to the first room he sees open.

Before the other men living in the dorms arrive and ask questions that she doesn't want to answer, she leaves, leaving a post it note in the fridge for Mark”

“Drink water and have a painkiller,

I had to go home. Thanks for the wine

-Y/N”

Too many weeks after, Mark calls her phone one more time before he enters the dorms, wondering if he had really done the worst thing in the world, for her to ghost him like that. He let a tired sigh out, grateful that he was home alone again. He goes to his room, ready to sleep for as long as he can, but when he opens the door, the lights are on, and in his bed sits what could be only described as an angel, beautiful as always, smiling and kind Y/N, with a cup of wine in her delicate hands, and another one on his nightstand, that she offers him as he's taking off his shoes and sweater.

With pain and regret in her eyes, as he's taking the first sip, she attempts to break the silence. “You ever notice how wine makes people feel sexy?”

[adamsvanrhijn]

@thismoleculeisacomedian

wait what is your opinion? Do you think he hated himself for being gay? (I disagree w/ that viewpoint, but would like to understand what it is & where it comes from.)

I definitely don't think Thomas hates himself for being gay — at any point in the series. I also don't think he ever moves away, internally, from "I am not the same as you, but I am not foul". I have seen people say that what happens in S5 is an indication of that and I completely disagree.

However.

I do think Thomas has low self-esteem for essentially the duration of the series, and I think he experiences self-hatred that is complicated by the fact that he is gay, surrounded by homophobia, and almost certainly a victim of complex trauma (also related to homophobia).

Thomas is confident in one thing over the course of the entire series, and this is his exceptional competence at work. He recognizes his own worth and takes pride in his actual value, which I think he actually sees very objectively. (Facebook moms, etc, do not agree with me here.) Wherever possible he makes himself indispensable, and it is in my opinion literally something he clings to as a reason to live.

(I also think he cares deeply about and, until S2/S3, has confidence in, his physical appearance. But that is a different piece.)

One of his most basic psychological needs is to be needed, and as part of this, to be contributing to something larger than him and to be essential to its functioning.

Literally in the very first episode of the entire series, we see that he is recognizing he may not have a place at Downton at all, and if he does, it isn't a place where he is valued and appreciated. This is a psychological threat—time and time again after this, we see him start to lose his head at the idea of instability.

How does he react?

By trying to make himself necessary elsewhere.

The amount of birds he is trying to get with one stone—

Give something that is necessary & desired to a man he loves

Resolve an issue at his workplace (I don't think he thought about this much but I do think it would have crossed his mind)

Escape a place he is not valued

Move upward in his current social hierarchy (domestic service)

To a job he is skilled at and enjoys

The job itself is providing essential service to the life & functioning of another human person

That human person is his lover, thereby fulfilling a different emotional need (his and said lover's)

And even when he is almost certainly set on running off into the sunset with the Duke, he still jumps at the chance to prove his worth when Bates goes, because that's just how he functions.

Like, in terms of the relationship specifically, he is trying to solve the financial problems of the Duke's estate AND become the person responsible for his daily care & keeping AND establish a safe way for them to be lovers For Ever And Ever—where he can then emotionally & sexually fulfill him on top of the physical, mental, financial and societal (having a valet as social status but also as the person who arranges pretty much everything for you and keeps you up with appearances) and needs he would be meeting.

CLINGY MUCH?

And then as soon as it starts going south his tactic is:

Look at how bad I want it

Look at how good of a valet I am

(You promised!)

Look at how good of a lover I am

Look at how much I know & care about you

Except then—

{clear internal chaos}

I do not care about this in terms of you at all, your needs never meant anything to me, this was just about me and I'm not the vulnerable one here, you are

But what is blackmail?

Blackmail is when you threaten another person with exposure of private/secret information to get something out of them.

The idea is that the victim will fear losing social standing or facing legal consequences enough to provide whatever that something is—and it can leave long-lasting damage regardless of the length of the extortion itself, because the victim has a psychological, and it follows, social & physical need, to maintain their current life sans embarrassment or like, a criminal record. Even a threat itself that cannot be carried out is damaging, because it makes the victim aware of the possibility.

The victim has to rely on and trust the blackmailer (that they will keep their word) while also fulfilling their own demands. Indefinitely, or even like, forever. Control freak much? Etc.

"smithensy when the fuck are you answering the actual question" PROBABLY NEVER

It's also a common event with relationships resembling theirs, so it's bound to be the first thing to come to mind! And he came up with it in the moment and clearly regretted it like, immediately!

Absolutely! Agree!

...except that he does it again.

And then again.

The second time, he is actually reluctant! He knows in what way he has been trusted and he knows what need he is fulfiing! And he really doesn't want to break that trust and stop fulfilling that need, even though his own needs have been intentionally torn to shreds!

But the next time he does it it is intentional. It is not split second and it is not against someone who has severely harmed him and brought the threat of ruin over his head. He takes it really fucking seriously, to the point of neuroticism, and he constantly reminds that person that she needs him—and although Baxter has to be liked for his requirement to stay in the know, I think there is also a vicarious element. He is giving her everything she needs to become indispensable. He's doing it while also holding the one thing that could ruin it over her head, yes, but he is also using her as like, a way of validating his own understanding of the house and who lives in it and what they require.

Anyway.

There are many points in his arc in the series where someone prone to depression and suicidality could be driven to attempt suicide. I can think of like, five off the top of my head.

But when he does, the breaking point is that he sees himself as unvalued and unnecessary—in essentially every area of his life, but especially his job and industry, which as above is really the only thing he never wavers in.

And he still doesn't waver in the work itself, necessarily. His problem is not that he is no longer skilled at his work, or that he can't meet his own expectations. It's that the job itself is surplus. It doesn't matter how good he is anymore; it doesn't matter how perfect he is. He has no control over it and it is the final straw for someone who has been fighting for scraps of agency for his entire life and only managing to have them through self-harm (see series 2).

I do not think Thomas sees himself as Enough. That is why he strives for perfection—if he is Good, and Skilled, and Talented, and he is needed, that is almost like being loved.

And by working his ass off and keeping the expectations of others around him low, forcing a poor opinion of himself, he is putting himself in a position where even if he isn't able to give it his all, his 70% or 60% or 40% is still better than what all these other people are capable of at 110%, so even if he is disliked and looked down upon and nobody wants him around, well, they have to keep him anyway because he is That Good and things will fall apart without him—

—and if it doesn't work and he has to go well then at least they'll be sorry when everything is ruined and he is irreplacable!

Aaaaaand he's thrusting himself into isolation and shooting himself in the foot.

The self-hatred piece is knowing that no matter what he does he will not be Enough, that there is just something missing. One piece is out of his control but he can never successfully work around it, so he can never have what he wants. The lack of success is what is driving the inward resentment. He has a lot of regret and guilt and he blames himself for every single action he takes that results even slightly in a loss of dignity. Again we see this in the first episode but also, like, the entirety of series 2, 3, 5 and 6 have this thread weaving in and out. When being mean and externalizing his blame doesn't work or make him feel better he turns it around.

The S5 plotline is more to do with having something than getting rid of something. If he can just have this one thing it will make everything else go away; it is the key to Being Enough.

And then in the cottage hospital he is immediately lashing out at and blaming himself for bothering to want that, let alone to try it.

Baxter is right, though! His tolerance for pain and suffering in the pursuit of fulfilling his own needs is extremely high and he seems determined to push it.

People who have lots of self-love and self-respect do not constantly punish themselves.

I have been writing this post for two hours and I don't think it makes much sense. I am going to make dinner now.

[raziroo]

1.Stockholm Syndrome - Sirius Black

Pairing : Sirius Black x Reader

Genre : Angst

Warnings : Mentions of death, mentally abusive home conditions, pain. Read at your own risk. 

Word Count : 4,297

~~~~~

I didn't like these people. 

I didn't like the pretty redhead; not the kind brunet, not the funny raven, not even the nervous blond. And I certainly didn't like the rude, black-haired boy. 

See, I'd been abducted by these people in hopes that I would give them information regarding my family, my father. 

I was sitting in the living room of our not-so-homely home, reading a textbook about latin, trying to understand the meaning of the extremely complicated meanings of magical spells. I was bound to learn some of them, some day, I was sure of it. Because even if the magic flowing through my veins was untamed, there had to be some way for me to control it. At least that's what my great grandmother always said. 

But then again, I'd always been fed lies, throughout my life, since I was an infant, so there really was no saying if it was true or not. Because I really was clueless about what this 'pure magic' meant for me; I didn't know how to control it, I didn't know how to not lash out if any dark magic was near me, and I certainly didn't know how to sleep without that soul-binding spell. 

My life was a little complicated, yes. 

Actually, more than a little complicated, but I do not wish to delve into the complexities and issues of my life. However, one thing I can say is that it isn't pleasant, and there is absolutely no possible way that I enjoy this life. 

Anyway, as I reached to the five hundred and seventy eighth page of the massive book, I was rudely interrupted by a call of my name, coming from our house butler. Yes, we have a butler serving us, along with a house elf, and I myself am not sure why my cruelly disgusting father craves to express the 'power' he holds in the Wizarding World. I think it's annoying. 

"Miss, please descend to the dungeons," Klaus, our butler, said. I didn't look up from my book. "Why Klaus, what is it?"

"Your Grandmother -"

"Great grandmother, Klaus."

"My apologies, miss. Your great grandmother requires you to get to dunge -"

"Why? Why does she require me to do so?" I asked, finally looming up at him, face neutral, eyes filled with scrutiny. He looked different from usual, though; the cuffs of his shirt were unbuttoned, his tie was the slightest bit loose, and he looked panicked. 

"Miss, plea -"

However, before he could finish it, a CT of red hit him, along with a call of "Stupefy!". I turned to the door, only to see two men, about my age, one with jaw-length black hair, and another with sandy brown hair, at the door. The former had his hand held out, wand gripped in it so tight, his knuckles were going white. 

I hadn't moved, but obviously, they'd come there to get me, because as soon as Klaus was passed out, both of them turned to me. They shared a glance, and I had blacked out too, the book falling from my hands. 

This group of people, majority of them my age, called themselves The Order of the Phoenix. The name, being quite impressive, had managed to pique my interest. But, as my rotten fate would have it, these people would just glare at me whenever I asked them about it. 

They obviously thought that I was worth of value to my family, my father, precisely, and so they'd captured me to get my father and his group of horrid men, men much like him, to come and rescue me, and then the Order would capture them as well; the Order probably wanted information from them. They'd also asked me a couple times, to see if I knew anything, but I had, unsurprisingly, told them I didn't, because I honestly didn't. They didn't believe me, and I hadn't expected them to. Everyone would think that being the heiress to a prestigious pure blood family, I would be aware of, and support, all their darkest secrets. My family was completely opposite; they didn't tell me anything they did, and didn't even consider myself a suitable heiress, solely because I was different from them; I was pure. My magic was pure, I couldn't be able to perform dark magic even if I wanted to.  

My family had showed no signs of coming to rescue me, and I was sure they wouldn't, until Antonin asked them to. See, Antonin was my fiance, and probably the only one of the people who knew me to actually care even a tad about me. And even though I knew that it was just because he wanted to mate with me; children of people like me, and usual wizards and witches, were said to have stronger magic running through their body, stronger than normal magical folk. 

I didn't even love Antonin, he was 9 years older than me, and it was he who was infatuated by me, by my appearance, and by my blood. 

Tonight, however, was supposed to be a more interesting night than usual; the Order would question me. In the sense, properly question me. They would make me sit in a room for a couple hours, take turns questioning me, you know. Everything that a person wanted to go through. 

I, personally, didn't think they knew of my abilities, of my magic, because one, my family did their level best to keep everything about me under wraps, and two, the Order never use the soul-binding spell on me before I went to sleep. That's the exact reason I hadn't slept in four days now; if I did, my magic would go into overdrive, and probably severely maim me and the other people living in this house. If there are any. 

And so, currently, I am trying, and failing miserably, in reading one of the books this room contains. It's not that I don't want to read; it's probably the only source that I have to get rid of boredom. It's the fact that my eyelids are drooping, and my brain is desperately trying to convince me to fall asleep. I'm against my brain. 

"Sit."

"Where?"

"On the chair, that's kept in front of the table."

"OK, OK, calm down," I said, and headed to the wooden chair that was clearly meant for me to sit in. That didn't mean that I wasn't allowed to irritate the three males who'd escorted me into this room. Specifically, Sirius. I'd overheard that glasses wearing man calling the rude one Sirius. And also 'Padfoot' a couple of times. I was sure it was just a stupid nickname. 

I took my seat, and so did the three males. They were silent for the most part, and I fiddled with the charm of my necklace. After a period of prolonged silence, in which they appeared to be uncomfortable, and I thought about my betrothal with Antonin, among other things, the glasses wearing boy finally spoke up. "Where are Fab and Gid?"

Sandy haired boy shook his head. "No idea, James."

And then there was silence for another 5 minutes, when three redheads entered the room - one a pretty redhead, who was also pregnant. Weird I hadn't noticed that earlier, because she looked to be at least six months along. The other two were both men, looking a few years older than the rest of us, and were twins. 

All of them greeted each other, but looked hesitant, and kept glancing at me, and although the others at least tried to be discreet, the twins and Sirius weren't even trying. Charming. 

Pretty soon, my questioning had begun, the males all taking turns asking me questions, while the girl stood on the sidelines. I answered them to the best of my ability, because I honestly didn't know what my father, heck, my whole family was up to, but I sure didn't support them. I would never support them. Not after what happened to Antares. They didn't believe me, but I couldn't possibly do anything to change that. 

However, when the questioning took a turn, and they started prying too much for my comfort, I diverted the topic, and very obviously at that. 

"Why didn't you attend Hogwarts? Because you look to be about our age, but we've never seen you around. And you weren't enrolled in any Wizardry institution, don't try to lie. We have all the records." Fabian said, pulling out a thick file of papers from a drawer I hadn't noticed. 

I tried to keep my face neutral, but my jaw was working, and they saw that too. I had been caught in headlights, and needed an escape, quick.

"What's your name?" I turned to the girl, who looked startled by my sudden interest in her. 

"Huh?" she asked, looking to the raven haired male, who I assumed was her boyfriend. "Your name, what is it?" I raised my brows, biting on my thumb nail. 

"Uh, Lily, my name is Li -"

"Lily," I said slowly, liking how it rolled off of my tongue, my eyes staring into the distance, and then snapping to her. "Beautiful name, suits you. And," I pointed at the stomach of the bewildered woman. "First child?"

"Yes."

"Hm. Good for you."

I then turned to the males, who had all been watching mine and Lily's interaction with incredulous looks. "So, you're the father, I assume?" I questioned James in a tone I rarely used, authority. They all turned to me, silent. "Hm?"

"Y- yes, I... am the father." The boy looked genuinely nervous. Poor thing. 

I nodded, and sat up attentively. "Well, I would really appreciate if you got this questioning session over with quickly," I said.

"I... OK. Yeah, let's, get on with it... Remus?" Gideon turned to the sand haired boy. 

"Yeah, yeah, so -"

Just then, the door to the room burst open, and plump woman of about thirty entered the room, with hair same as the twins, and she looked distraught. "Molly?" Fabian asked. "What is it?"

"Death Eaters! I- in Diagon Alley!"

The males all got up in an instant, snatching their wands; James went over to his panicked-looking... whatever Lily was to him, and cupped her face, pressing a chaste kiss to her forehead. As the men all left, the two women glanced at each other, and then at me, probably because they were confused on what to do about me. Or probably because I hadn't even turned to Molly when she'd made her entrance, hadn't glimpsed at the bustle in the room even once. 

*****

One whole week. One whole weak, solid seven days, I'd gone without even a wink of sleep. I didn't know how I was even awake at this point, because all of my being, my entire body was begging for me to sleep, and I wanted to, so badly. But I couldn't. If I didn't wish to hurt these people, if I didn't wish to hurt myself, I couldn't. I was aware of that, and accepting of that fact. 

But it seemed that my kidnappers weren't. For on the eighth night, Sirius entered the room with a tray of food. This was strange because usually it was Lily, or occasionally Remus, who came to serve me food. I wasn't exactly sure why Sirius Black, of all people, had come to give me food. 

My confusion was momentary, because I sensed the smell of a sleeping concoction as soon as the tray of food was set on the bedside table. And I would've been able to eat the food, if only I knew what exact item the potion was mixed in. The rest of the food was perfectly consumable. 

After surveying the tray of food, and Sirius' neutral expression, I asked him a question. "Can I ask you something, Padfoot?"

A strickened expression flashed across his face, but was gone as soon as it appeared. "Don't call me Padfoot," he growled, jaw clenched. "And no, don't ask a question. Just eat your food, and let me go," he looked up to me, his face a couple feet away from mine, hair falling in his face. I would have been lying if I said he wasn't abnormally attractive. 

"Okay, then. What have you mixed the sleeping potion in?"

"Could you please shut up with your nonsense, and let me go? " he stood up straight. 

"Could you please answer me, and do me the favour of leaving? " I retorted, eyebrows raised. 

The male exhaled forcefully through his nose, looking extremely pissed. "No."

"Okay."

"What?"

"Oh-kay," I sounded. "I mean, you can leave. Go."

He looked skeptical. "Okay, I'll leave."

"Yeah, yeah, go. Just- uh, and take the food as well," I said, motioning to the tray. 

"You don't wanna eat?" he asked. 

"I do want to eat. I would honestly really appreciate if I could eat food, I mean, I can't sleep, food will be appreciated. But," I drawled the word out longer. "I don't wish to consume a sleeping potion."

The man looked at me after my statement, for about a minute. And then before I could react, he was aiming his wand at me, and I passed out, part of me glad to receive sleep, and a fraction of me scared of what was very clearly bound to happen. 

My body felt hot, all over, as if there was electricity flowing through me. A familiar feeling of stinging pain consumed my head, and spread to my body, slowly, painfully. Inevitable cries, shouts, and groans of pain escaped me, eventually turning to screams of pure agony. Tears flowed from my eyes, as I writhed and thrashed, my magic erupting out of me in short bursts. 

I could make out the faint noises of people entering the room, casting spells, and trying to control my magic. I knew it would be uncontrollable; it would only go away when all my energy was drained, as in literally drained, I wouldn't be able to use magic for about a week or two. There was another way, however. The soul-binding spell. Two simple words, 'ligat animam', and all my misery would be gone. But none of these people were skilled or powerful enough to carry that spell out, I was sure of it. Even my father had to practice for a good three weeks to get the spell right, and however much might I dislike him, I had to say that he was an extremely skilled wizard, and an experienced one too. 

These wizards and witches, however, would just end up fainting, and not help me in any way. After all, the soul-binding spell was as tiring as the patronus, if not more. Constricting a person's soul, their core, their magic, it wasn't an easy task, shouldn't have to be. 

They would just get hurt, the Order. And so, overpowering my agony and suffering for just a moment, I managed to utter something that made them leave, albeit hesitantly. "It wo- ah! Won't wo-urk! Lea...ve! Un-less you... bind- the sou...l!  Please!" and went back to sobbing. I guess they understood what I said, and left. 

Waking up was a very energy-consuming task, more so than you could ever fathom. Every joint, every bone, every fiber of my being hurt, and hurt bad. My body was so completely sore, it was almost numb, and it would have been a million times better if it was numb, because the aching was unbearable, something no one should have to experience. In simpler words, it was as bad as the after effects of the Cruciatus curse. 

I somehow, Merlin knows how, managed to support myself up on my elbows, before crumbling to my bed again. Morgana help me. My situation was hopeless and I knew it.

I had nearly given up on hopes of getting up and about, when someone entered my room. Correction, two someone's entered my room. One was a sand-haired male, Remus Lupin, and the other was a black-haired one, Sirius Black. 

I had only recently learned that this Sirius was the Sirius Black, epitome of disappointment, perfect example of what was considered disappointing in a pure blood family. It was actually quite foolish of me to not put two and two together, there were very less people who would name their child Sirius. 

Anyways, as the two men entered my room, my eyes followed their movements; Sirius stopped at the entrance, while it was Remus who actually entered the room. The latter trotted to my bed, and unexpectedly, helped me sit up. I was surely surprised at first, yes, but managed to cover it up pretty well. Or so I thought.

"Why do you look so surprised, hm? We're good people, you know, people who actually want to do good for the Wizarding World," Sirius chided. Now, look, I would have just ignored him, like I always do. But one should have the basic understanding of when they need to stop blabbing, and stay silent. Sirius clearly didn't have such sense. And so, when Remus went to say something to the former, I cut him off and spoke myself. 

"Siri-"

"Yeah, you're such an angel, aren't you?"

The boy's jaw clenched. "And what exactly is that supposed to mean?"

"Oh, I don't know, probably the fact that you put me to sleep without my consent; you are the reason the happenings of last night even occurred!" I answered, my tone sharp. My retort didn't seem to faze Remus a lot; in fact, he had a slightly guilty expression himself. But why would- Oh. 

The sleeping potion, obviously. These people were worried about my sleep schedule, and that's why the attempt to get me to sleep. They probably thought it was because of being captured, because of anxiety, that I was losing sleep. Foolish people. 

"You thought- you all thought that I wasn't sleeping because I was stressed... about being held captive?"

When no one broke the silence, I did. By chuckling. "You are all so naive," I said, full out laughing now, albeit it being hysteric. Their faces were hilariously incredulous. 

I stopped laughing, and rolled my eyes. 

"I, have no reason to be worried, or stressed, or- or anxious, of you," I said, each word being pronounced with each of its syllables. "I didn't wish to sleep because of... Well, because of what happened last night. You thought it wise to interfere in matters that didn't concern you, and that's why I had to- " I stopped, and took in a breath, closing my eyes. 

"Could you please leave?"

*****

Sirius didn't wish to, apparently, because after only three hours of providing me with time to think, he returned. That complete, absolute git had the nerve to enter my room after hurting me so much. 

He cleared his throat. I didn't pay attention. He coughed. I still didn't listen. He stopped trying, saving the little bit of self respect he had left. 

After a long and painfully uncomfortable period of silence, I adressed the man who was present with me in the room. "So, you're here." 

"I- uh, yes, uh, I guess I am... After all." he cleared his throat again, not meeting my eyes. 

"Hm. Well... what are you here for, Mr. Black?" he radiated an even more awkward aura, if that was possible. "I... I wanted to apologize. On the entire Order's behalf; we shouldn't have tried to, uh, put you to sleep forcefully."

"That's... yeah, you shouldn't have." This statement made him look ashamed. "But, well... I guess your heart was, uh, sorry, hearts were in the correct place. You just needed a bit more... Research. It's... Okay, after all. I accept your apology."

The male finally looked up, hope flickering in his eyes. "Really?"

"Yes, really," I nodded, not breaking eye contact. He smiled a bit; the smile made him look a hundred times more attractive than he already was.

"That's... Great. Thank you."

*****

Two months. It had been two more months of me being held captive, but my family didn't seem to care; some would consider my condition to be pitiful. Over the course of these two months, I had grown fond of these people. James, Lily, Remus, Peter, Fabian and Gideon, even Sirius. I didn't really know Peter that well; he seemed kind of scared of me, if I'm being honest. I didn't really dwell on it too long, just shrugging the matter off. 

I also was sleeping on a regular basis; Dumbledore helped with the soul binding spell. Meeting the elderly wizard had been quite an experience, I would always remember it. 

Currently, I was eating breakfast on a small foldable table, Sirius sitting opposite me. I had grown closer to him more than anyone else, he actually had a great personality. I think his personality was the reason why he came across as so effortlessly attractive. 

"How is it?"

"The food?"

"Obviously."

"Well. It's actually really good. Doesn't seem like something Molly would typically make, but it's good."

"Really? "Sirius seemed uncharacteristically excited. 

"...Yes. Why? "

"I made it. "

I looked up at him, studying his face. He really had made the food on his own. "Liar. "

"Wha- no! You got to trust me" I'm not lyi-" He was enraged. 

"I'm done. Congratulate Molly for cooking such delicious food," I said ignorantly, putting my fork down.

"You do believe me, don't you? You're just trying to irritate me," Sirius said in a tone that seemed to be wanting to convince himself more than me, that I believed him. He waved his wand, and the plates and cutlery were gone, table folded and levitated to the side. 

"Well... I might be," I said, sheepishly.

He stared at me. I stared back. 

"Can I ask you something?"

"Go ahead."

"Why... We're you not anxious or worried? I mean, you were being held captive, it doesn't matter however nice the captor is," he asked, hesitantly. 

I sunk back in the pillows, and suddenly, my hand seemed to intrigue me more than they ever had. "It's okay, you know, if you don't want to tell," he began in a hurry. "It's perfectly fi-"

"No, no no no, " I cut him off, stretching my hands in front of me. "It's just... They aren't exactly... The best household to be part of, or grow up in. They've always ridiculed me for... My magic. Because it's different, and because it repels dark magic. The kind that they always put to use, so, they feel... offended, maybe? That their daughter, their own blood can't do the magic they want her to. It's no big deal, honestly," I laughed, not breaking my record of not loosing at the male opposite of me. "I guess it's just how pure blood families work."

I kept my gaze in my lap, pointedly ignoring Sirius. Said person stayed silent for a long time; longer than I felt comfortable with. Just as I had begun apologising for burdening him with my family's secrets, he reached across and hugged me. Tight. And initially, I was confused, but then I made out the vibrations of his chest against mine: sobbing. Sirius was sobbing. Why, I wasn't aware. But that didn't matter. So I hugged him back. I held him close to me, my arms wrapped around him tightly. 

*****

He was here. They all were here. For me. 

It had been six months since I was captured, and they were finally here. Lily's son had been born, little Harry, and he was in danger. Lily herself was in danger. And so were James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, everyone. Gideon had already been maimed; Fabian was dead. 

All because of me. 

And just as I burst out of the room Sirius had locked me in, so as to keep me away from the insane amounts of dark magic outside, I collided with him.

"Antonin," I breathed, looming up at the man. He was clean shaven, like always, and his eyes had that cruel glint, like always. 

"Oh, love," he sighed out, like he'd been putting a lot of effort to just be able to say that to my face again; and with the ambush these Death Eaters had carried out, I was sure he had. He was just about to wrap his arms around my torso, when a spell hit him from behind, blasting him to the wall. Horrified, I looked up, and my orbs met stormy gray ones. 

The person who possessed these eyes grabbed a hold of my forearms, and in one swift motion, I was inside that wretched room back again, and Sirius had locked that door, again.

"What do you think you're doing?!"

"Sirius, calm down, I was-"

"Calm down? I'm sorry for not being calm during an ambush! Now what were you-"

"Sirius! Listen to me, alright? They- um, Antonin, he won't stop until he has me, okay? And Fabian is already, I can't, I'm sorry. But I've got to go, okay? I have to go, becau- "

"No, no no no! No! You can't! Please, love, no-" He looked so panicked. For the first time since I'd known him, Sirius black looked a wreck. 

I kissed him. Square on the lips, and for a time period that seemed way too short to tell him how much I really loved him. 

"I love you, Black. And don't you ever forget that."

And with that, I stormed out of the room, right into Antonin, who apparated me out, with Sirius having that stunned and pained look in his eyes. 

*****

Twelve years. It took him twelve years to break out of that hellish place. 

I would have scoured the planet if I could, for him. Shame really, that I was already dead. James and Lily thought so too.

[takemebacktowheniwassane]

Oh, Incorrect Quotes Generator

-

Alana: Anyone d-

Connor: Depressed?

Jared: Drained?

Evan: Dumb?

Alana: -done with their work... what is wrong with you people...

-

This one's a bit more?? Um?? Non-kid friendly TTvTT

Zoe: Guys, is having a penis fun?

Connor: It has its ups and downs.

Evan: It's gets a little hard sometimes.

Jared: IT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS!

Zoe: Jesus fuck, you guys.

-

Evan: You're a loose cannon, Jared.

Jared: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon, maybe. But a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?

Alana: I think you play by your own rules.

Zoe: No way, he thinks rules were meant to be broken.

Evan: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.

Jared: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Connor is the real loose cannon.

Connor: *Smashes a chair*

-

Evan, trying to convince Connor to join the group: You know... I just thought it'd be good to have someone to come along who's... strong!

Alana: And loud!

Zoe: And grumpy!

Jared: And oblivious to reality!

Connor:

-

Alana: What did you guys get in your yearbooks?

Zoe: 'Prettiest smile!' :)

Evan: 'Nicest personality!' :)

Jared: 'Most likely to start a bar fight.'

Connor: 'Least likely to start a bar fight, but most likely to win one.'

-

Zoe: Bridge the generation gap by combining old and new slang into one!

Evan: Tubular AF!

Alana: Mood to the max!

Connor, annoyed: Groovy, I hate it.

Jared, just as annoyed: If she breathes she's a square.

-

Evan: You KIDNAPPED Connor?! That's illegal!!

Jared: But Evan, what's more illegal? Briefly inconveniencing Connor, or destroying our dreams?

Evan: Kidnapping Connor, Jared!!

Zoe: Evan, listen, whatever I may think of you right now- these people need you to inspire them!

Evan: What, to KIDNAP PEOPLE?!?!

Zoe: To work together!

Evan: TO KIDNAP PEOPLE!?!?

Jared: Evan, I thought we both agreed, a stoner is not a people.

-

Alana: Evan, stop! This isn't you! You've gone mad with power!

Evan: Well, of course I have.

Evan: Have you ever tried going mad without power?

Evan: It's boring.

-

Evan: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.--

Jared: What was that??

Evan: Remorse code.

Jared: I'm even angrier at you now.

-

Connor, high off his ass: I'm at least 10 times funnier and sexier than you.

Evan: But 10 times 0 is just 0.

Zoe: Then I guess the jokes on you, because he can't do math.

-

Jared: I can explain.

Evan: Can you?

Jared: If you give me 30 seconds to think of a lie.

-

Jared: If you were to vacuum up jello, it'd make a neat noise.

Evan: I beg to differ.

Jared: Then beg.

-

Jared: This is such a bad idea.

Evan: Then why are you coming along?

Jared: One of us needs to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this all goes terribly wrong.

-

Connor: *Accidentally hits Jared in the face*

Connor: *Can't decide between saying 'I'm fucking sorry', and 'Are you okay'*

Connor: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY??

Evan: What is wrong with you?!

-

Evan: This is bothering me.

Jared: Well, you are digging up a corpse.

Evan: No, not that. That's, uh, pretty par for the course, actually.

-

Jared: You're the love of my life, and my best friend. I would do anything for you.

Evan: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.

Jared: Absolutely not.

-

Jared: I was arrested for being too cool.

Connor: The charges were dropped due to lack of supporting evidence.

-

Jared: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.

Evan: You and me.

Jared, tearing up: Okay.

-

Jared: God, give me patience.

Connor: I think you mean strength.

Jared: If God gave me strength, then you'd be double dead.

-

Connor: I prevented a murder today.

Alana: Really? How did you do that?

Connor: Self control.

-

Jared: I am not out of control! I am a law abiding citizen!

Evan: Name one law.

Jared: Don't kill people?

Evan: That one's on me. I set the bar too low.

-

Alana: Whaddaya call a fish with no eye?

Jared, not looking up from his phone: Myxine Circifrons.

Alana:

Alana: A fsh

-

Evan: I turned out perfectly fine!

Zoe: This morning you thought a ghost made your toast!

Evan: I DIDN'T PUT THE BREAD IN, Y O U DIDN'T PUT THE BREAD IN-

-

Jared: WHAT'S YOUR TYPE

Evan: Anything, honestly. But nerds especially.

Jared, desperately as Evan bleeds out: YOUR B L O O D TYPE

Evan: Oh! B positive.

Jared: DON'T TRY TO CHEER ME UP, JUST TELL ME YOUR BLOOD TYPE

Evan:

-

Evan: It's dark in here...

Jared: Don't worry dude, I've got this

Jared: *Stomps his foot on the ground*

Jared: *Heelies light up*

-

Evan: Treat spiders the way YOU want to be treated!

Jared: Killed without hesitation.

Alana & Evan, simultaneously: nO-

-

Miguel: Let's watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

Connor: Okay?

Miguel: And make out during the scary parts.

Connor: The-

Connor: The scary parts-

Connor: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl?

-

Evan: Can you PLEASE be serious for 5 minutes??

Jared: My record is 4, but I think I can do it.

-

Evan: So that's my plan.

Jared: Are you fine with constructive criticism? I don't want to sound mean.

Evan: Sure, go ahead.

Jared: It fucking sucks.

Evan: That's not constructive criticism.

-

Jared: Fuck.

Alana: We've got to work on your cursing.

Jared: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.

-

Connor: Lol heads up if you try to make a candle with food coloring, the food coloring will just sink to the bottom of the glass, and when the flame eventually reaches the bottom all the food coloring will catch fire and become one giant tall flame that you cannot possibly blow out and the glass will start to crack and then you'll throw your tea on it in a panic and then the extremely hot food coloring will boil and sizzle horribly and then the glass will shatter. Please take my word on this lmfao

Evan: What did you do-?

Connor: A MISTAKE-

-

Larry, with his back turned: I've been expecting you.

Connor: How did you do that without turning around?

Larry: I'm gonna be honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

-

Evan: How petty can you get??

Jared: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

-

Jared: Today is a day of running through hurdles.

Alana: Aren't you supposed to jump OVER hurdles?

Jared: Whatever. Fear is only something to be afraid of if you let it scare you.

-

Jared: May I sit there?

Evan: That's my lap.

Jared: That doesn't answer my question, Evan.

-

Jared: So.. are we flirting right now?

Connor: I'm LITERALLY stabbing you.

Jared:

Jared: That does not answer the question

-

Aftermath of the last one- lmfao-

Evan: I'm begging you, please go to the hospital-

Jared: Oh, i'm sorry, is this OUR stab wound? Stay out of it.

-

Jared: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?

Connor: Do you mean literally or figuratively?

Jared: The fact that I have to specify...

-

Evan: Jail is no fun. I'll tell you that much.

Connor: Oh, you've been?

Evan: Once. In Monopoly.

-

Evan: Your right.

Jared: That's... an unusual phrase for you. Did you just learn it?

-

Jared: Petition to remove the 'd' from Wednesday.

Connor, high: Wednesay.

Jared: Not what I had in mind, but i'm flexible.

-

Alana: Man.. I only ever see you awake. Don't you ever shut down or stop running?

Jared: Oh, i'm always running.

Jared: The question is from what.

-

Evan: Top 30 reasons why Evan is super sorry! ..Number 5 might surprise you!

Jared: Top 30 anime deaths. Number One: YOUR FUCKING ASS RIGHT NOW!!

[forkanna]

[AO3] [WATTPAD]

"Come on, don't be mad," Rise insisted for the hundredth time as they waited for the train to come through. They had been there for a few minutes, bags in hands and feet impatient. At least they a few CDs apiece, and a poster that Rise hoped would do for Chie's gift, even though it was Bruce Lee's Enter The Dragon instead of Sonny-Sammy-whoever.

"Why not? My feelings are just as valid as yours."

"And it wasn't my fault! Like, you heard me try to tell him I didn't want any attention!"

"False modesty. I mean, I bet you say shit like that all the time, just so you look like a precious little princess."

The train going the opposite way whipped past, and she watched Ai's pink dress flutter for a moment until the din died down. Then she said in a quiet voice, "You want to be left alone? I will leave you alone. I just don't think that's what you really want."

"You were going to ditch me anyway. What does Risette want with some small-town teen queen when she's Japan's teen queen? It would happen sooner or later."

"Do you want me to apologise for your friend getting star-struck?"

"He was my friend first. And I mean, not that we're close, just that he's someone I-"

"Because I won't."

Ai blinked a couple of times before turning to look at her properly. "What did you just say?"

"I'm not going to apologise," Rise repeated firmly, her own features severe and intense now. "Remember me telling you I didn't even submit my first idol contest application myself? I never asked for all this. I have enjoyed it, sure — who wouldn't? But it's not 'my fault' people go crazy for celebs. Besides, I even tried to tell that guy not to make a big deal, to just let me hang out with my friend, and he kept fangirling anyway. My input clearly doesn't matter, so I am taking zero responsibility for him being an otaku. Do you understand?"

The other girl looked completely thunderstruck. In fact, she had no words. The train arrived shortly afterward, and they both got on without speaking, grasping for overhead straps as the doors slid shut.

It wasn't until they got off at the Yasoinaba station and Rise had started striding for the steps, feeling like a failure, that she felt her hand grasped from behind. She turned to slap whatever creep had grabbed her, but the creep was Ai, so she decided not to hit her. Yet.

"What?" No answer. Ai was too busy staring down at the space between their shoes. "Come on, it's getting late… I can still work a shift at Marukyu if you let me g-"

"I'm sorry!" she burst out, then cleared her throat to try again. "I apologise, Rise."

"What?"

"Shut up, don't make me say it again. I overreacted and I already feel stupid."

Cranking up the bubbliness to eleven, she gushed, "Oh noooo, I don't think I heard you at aaaaalllllll. What was that, Ebi-chaaaan?"

"Sh-shut UP!"

"Do you wuv meeeeee?" This time, Ai did yank her hand away and begin to stomp off down the steps, leaving a giggling Rise to chase after her.

"Like you said, have fun at Marukyu."

"You were a meanie," she told her, still laughing just a little. "I think I get to tease you a little."

"I don't like it. And I have explained why."

"Yeah. Your grade school classmates weren't teasing you, though. They were mocking you."

"Same fucking difference."

Jogging to walk side-by-side with her, despite Ai occasionally picking up speed to try and outstrip the idol, she went on, "Not really. Friends tease. Bullies mock… or sometimes hurt you physically. Did you ever get hurt like that?"

"Well… yeah, I did. But it's been a while. I mean, certainly not since elementary."

"Well that's good. I'll try not to tease you too much, but like, it's not going to work if I can't tease you. Because friends do that, and leaving that out would make this kinda fake. Right?"

Ai raised an eyebrow and glanced over at her. "I… do not follow that logic at all. You're weird."

"I'm not," she giggled, leaning down to smile up at her. "C'mon, it's fun. And I promise-promise I'll try to keep an eye on it so I don't make you feel really bad, and you might even get used to it. And that might help you with that 'everybody's tone is mocking' thing you feel."

"So let me get this straight. You think by teasing me, you're doing me a favour by desensitising me to people being jerks?"

"Right!"

"And that's 'friendship'? Putting me through that gauntlet?"

"Yup! I'm pretty great, right? My generosity is limitless!"

Finally, the grumpy girl laughed as they got to the bus stop, plopping down on the bench with their bags next to their feet. "Whatever. You're insane."

"Maybe. Or maybe I'm amazing and it just looks insane."

"Two sides of the same coin."

"So… I didn't wanna ask in front of 'the expert', but what was all that in the CD store? You two were off in your own little world there."

Ai's face was already flushed from being annoyed earlier, and all that power-walking. But it definitely didn't get any less rosy as she fidgeted, playing with the hem of her dress. "That's… it's stupid."

"Might be. But we're friends, we have to share stupid interests and stuff."

"You're really starting to be a pain with this 'friend' thing all the time." But Rise was patient. And eventually… "It's… something left over from my mother."

"Your mother?"

"Yes. She, um, she used to really love those old city pop singers; had so many records. Her fave was Mariya Takeuchi; just had really fond memories from her childhood, and she used to play them for me all the time."

A sinking feeling settled into the pit of her stomach. "Your mom… is she, u-um…?"

"Hm? No, she's alive. Probably." Ai looked extremely conflicted for a moment before heaving a deep sigh. "She moved out at the beginning of last year."

"Moved out? Like… a divorce?"

"Not officially. Yet. But it seems like it's going to be a matter of time." When Rise opened her mouth to reply, she was quick to cut her off. "Look. After my dad got rich overnight, I wasn't the only one who changed. We all did. But my mother seemed to resent it, even though we were all different afterward — including her hypocritical ass. Said she couldn't stay in the house with her b- with us, because we were like strangers now. And I…"

Rise gave her a few seconds to finish the thought. When she didn't, she reached over with her free hand to take up Ai's in a gentle grip. That seemed to encourage her to continue.

"It's my fault. For changing too much, for no longer being the child she raised. And I got so angry with her, said a lot of things I can never take back… I drove her away. Like I tried to do to you. So you see? Might as well ditch me now before I treat you like shit one day."

As if she hadn't already. But saying that was not productive, so she focused on the subject at hand. "Hey… I don't think that's right." When the other girl began to sigh, she pushed on, "No, listen. She's your mom, right? She's the adult — her and your dad, I mean. Of course if she's telling you she doesn't like how you have changed because you're growing up, like, you're gonna get mad. She's supposed to be the one who can figure out you're just mad and you'll get over it, or whatever."

"That sounds great, but I don't think it works that way in the real world."

"Maybe not this time, but it's how it's supposed to work. So don't go around hating on yourself for something she needed to do better."

Finally seeming to realize her hand was being held, she turned to blink at her new friend, brow furrowed. "I don't… know… I guess I wasn't expecting you to be this… genuinely…"

"Awesome?" she attempted with a small smile as the bus arrived. "Pretty? Hot as hell?"

"Nice. Even to a huge bitch like me."

Once they had both paid their fare and chosen a seat in the back, Rise whispered, "Listen. We're going to have to get used to each other. But we should probably get to know each other if we really want a shot at that." She chewed on her thoughts for a moment as they rode into Inaba. "Mmmm, did you know I actually really like helping out at Marukyu?"

"Hadn't really thought about it." After a second, she relented, "Okay, I guess I thought it was just some kind of PR stunt. But don't read too much into that."

"You're fine," she giggled as she snaked her arm around Ebihara's elbow, ignoring the fresh twitch it earned her. "But yeah, it's probably weird, but I actually really enjoy frying up the ganmodoki myself. Getting my hands dirty, helping clean up, straighten up, checking on my grandma…"

Though Ai had been ramrod straight like a tin soldier ever since they linked arms, she slowly began to relax the more she listened to Rise. "Well yeah, I guess I get that. She's family and you probably missed her while you were off dazzling the world."

"The world? Please. I mean, I do have a handful of fans in Korea and China, but none any further than that. I'm not that special."

"You are. They just can't see it past the language barrier."

"Awwwww…"

"I regret everything," she grumbled. But of course, Rise was still giggling as they slipped off the bus and onto the sidewalk, a lot closer to their sleepy little city.

"Hey, can I come over and listen to my CD at your place? I don't have a CD player anymore."

"Then… why did you buy- never mind. You probably have even more disposable income than I do."

Rolling her eyes, she bumped Ai just enough so that they both stumbled the tiniest bit. "Dork! I only accepted because he was so happy to be doing us a favor. And I figured hey, I might as well pick something I wanted instead of just a couple of random CDs I didn't care about. These are souvenirs now."

"Ah yes. Souvenirs of the time you had to put up with a raging harpy."

"Wow! Like, you really only have two modes, don't you? 'Meanie' and 'Depression Fest 2012'."

But apparently, that had been the wrong thing to say. Rise was just trying to tease like she always did; it was part of her job. The more she teased, the more she played, the more fun people had. The more fun they had, the better mood they were in. The better their mood, the more likely they were to capitulate to whatever the terms were — those of her manager, or herself. And it had all worked out, because she wanted friends so badly and everyone around seemed to become her friend when she treated them that way. Even if the friendships didn't last.

But this time, it silenced Ai so completely that she found herself checking on her every few seconds as they walked along. What did she say? Had it really been that much worse than anything else so far? Eventually, she wound up stopping to pull her into a gentle hug.

"God… it's not- you don't have to do that."

"I'm sorry. You know I'm playing with you, right? Just playing! But if I'm really hurting you…"

Ai shook her head and dropped her bags so she could cling to her, burying her face in those mauve locks. "Shhh, you're fine. I… you don't have to do this. Any of it. But you're not screwing up as bad as you think you are, I'm just a bitch. Sorry for all these constant reminders."

"It's okay." Especially because Ai was so warm. This hug nearly undid all of the pain and strife they had put each other through over the course of a scant few total hours they had spent in each other's company.

And Rise didn't seem to be the only one who thought as much. Those arms tightened on her back, practically clinging to her as they soaked up each other's warmth. Why did this feel so right? They were all wrong for each other as friends, if all their bickering was any indication, yet a simple hug was like a dream come true. Ai smelled so good, expensive perfume mingling with soft skin just on the other side of that dress.

Even though the lace on Ai's choker was tickling her nose. Eventually, that made it twitch, and then she giggled as she shivered in an attempt to suppress a reaction.

"What?" Ai asked, confused.

"The lace tickled. You wear that thing all the time and I don't know why." It prompted a quiet sigh from the taller girl, so Rise skipped backward, hands in the small of her back. Maintaining a high energy level for their day might distract her from whatever demons she was battling internally. "C'mon! I'll race you to Junes!"

"Wha- hey, wait a minute, what about our bags? You don't expect me to carry all this!"

Maybe part of her motivation for taking off running and leaving Ai to carry all of their purchases was to instill a little more humility in the prissy girl. Or maybe she just wanted to do something carefree. Either way, her friend did scoop up the bags before taking off running after her.

                                                    ~ o ~

"NOOOOO, give it back!"

"We've had enough of this weird thing!" Chie cackled as she ran away with Teddie's bear mascot head, holding it aloft while the blond boy himself chased after her. Rise leaned back in the food court chair and laughed her head off. Yes, she knew the head meant a lot more to him than just part of some costume; they all knew that, except for Ebihara. But he had been up to his usual mischief, saying he was going to "score" with Yukiko simply because she let him have some of her french fries. He obviously spent a little too much time listening to Yosuke.

"You guys are too much," Kanji sighed, face-palming as he leaned heavily against the table. But he didn't do anything to stop Chie and Yosuke throwing it back and forth, either.

"I have to say, this is a bizarre group of people to have come together," Ai commented as she sipped at her smoothie. Maybe she still wasn't ordering a ton of junk food, but she had insisted that a smoothie was really "cheating on her diet" considering that before she had met Narukami, she probably would have ordered a diet soda and no more. Their bags were stashed under their chairs until they headed home later — except for the poster. That was safely tucked beneath Yukiko's chair, once all the excessive bowing and thanking was over with, and Rise had refused to accept any money from her. She was just happy to help out her friends.

"I suppose so," Naoto conceded with a sage nod, hand at her chin as always. "From the outside looking in, it would seem strange to anyone."

"So how did you all meet, then? Bizarre multi-grade class project?"

There was definitely a pause. None of them were quite sure what excuse to come up with; only that they had to think of something to tell her that didn't involve supernatural hijinks. That would only send the average person running for the hills.

"Remember the Midnight Channel?" Yukiko began.

"Yukiko!" Kanji blustered. But she forged ahead, undeterred, and Rise felt her thighs clench beneath the tabletop. Moment of truth…

"Well, that murderer who killed Miss Yamano and the others? We knew he was somehow using the TVs to announce his next victims. Not only that, but my own kidnapping made it impossible to ignore for all of us; myself, obviously, but Chie and the others couldn't just wait for someone else to put a stop to it once our friends were becoming targets. We started investigating on our own since the police didn't seem to have any leads. And when Naoto-kun came to town and began to work with the police directly, we all sort of… found each other, thanks to that common goal."

Wow. Ai wasn't the only one dumbfounded; the others at the table found themselves impressed that she had come up with such a believable almost-truth on the spur of the moment like that.

"Th-that's amazing," Ai finally said, still blinking rapidly to try and dispel her shock. "I didn't know the rest of you were also detectives."

"Not very good ones," Rise provided with a little awkward laugh. "But all of us putting our heads together, we were finally able to figure out it was that creep Adachi. The power of teamwork!"

"Hey, you don't have to keep calling her 'Naoto-kun'," Kanji suddenly said with a slight frown at Yukiko. "We know she's a chick now, don't be disrespectful."

While Yukiko was looking regretful and beginning to bow to offer an apology, Naoto smiled and patted the tall boy on the bicep. "It's fine. In fact, I'm much more comfortable with that than I ever could be with something feminine like 'Nao-chan'. Just doesn't suit me."

Even as Rise was calling out "NAO-CHAAAAAAAAAAN" in a loud, carrying voice and throwing her arms around the stoic girl, prompting some flustered shovings, Ai was smiling across at the junior detective prince. "Naoto-kun it is. Obviously we want you to be comfortable."

Both the sentiment and the smile were so unexpected from Ai Ebihara that everyone stopped to look at her. After a second or two, she cleared her throat and went back to sipping at the dregs of her smoothie.

"Thank you, Ebihara-san," Naoto finally managed as Rise dropped back into her seat.

"Of course. See? I'm not a cunt all the time."

"Never said you were," Rise cooed as she pinched her cheek.

"HEY! Didn't I tell you to stop getting so physical with me? My face is the real money maker and so help me…"

Things only devolved from there. Kanji was apologizing profusely for presuming too much, Naoto was trying to assure him she didn't mind either, Yukiko had lapsed into another uncontrollable giggle-fit when she noticed Chie and Yosuke had started throwing Teddie himself back and forth. And Ai… was laughing and smiling. Not much; she still looked a little out of place there, not quite sure how she fit into the group of friends.

But she was starting to. Sometimes, a modicum of progress was the best you got.

                                                    To Be Continued…

[quokkalatte]

Mixtape pt.5 [M.YG]

Part 5

Category: One-shot series

Pairing: Min Yoongi x Female! Reader

Summary: Living as an aspiring rap artist in Seoul, all you want to do is work on your music and try to get your name out there. Of course when you have someone as annoying and spiteful as Min Yoongi makes that extremely difficult. Until he decides to help you out.

Warnings: smut, language, some Namjoon action (which ofc is a warning cause oof), angry Yoongi, alcohol consumption, perhaps some angst but not really

Warnings for this chapter: alcohol consumption, language, Tae being a bit of a horndog in the beginning

Author's Note: ofc this is late again but I hope you enjoy this chapter! It's also short, contrary to what I promised last time I apologize. I promise it'll get more interesting in the future ;)

Tags; @notsolovelykarsyn @psychoticshawtyy

Could not be tagged: @deesixx2801

[Message me to be added to the Tag list so you can be tagged for future updates]

× × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × × ×

I hurried down the street, pulling my jacket close to my body, trying be to hold any remains of warmth I'd had since leaving my apartment. Seoul was covered in a thick layer of snow, the roads icy and slick and bundles of oil-based slush was built on either side of the road. People still continued on without a care in the world. It made me regret not getting a taxi or asking Jungkook to pick me up.

I shivered, turning the corner quickly and let out a sigh of relief when I saw the record store. It wasn't far from my apartment, but the cold made it a bitch to get too. I quickly pushed the door open, hearing the bell signal my arrival. I let out a loud groan when I felt the heat rush upon me, swathing me in warmth.

"Damn I haven't even touched you yet and you're already sounding like that" my eyes dart towards a figure leaning against the counter, shuffling through a magazine. His hair was tousled and messy and his cheeks flushed from the cold outside. Taehyung grinned when I rolled my eyes

"You wish" I walk past him and Taehyung chuckles

"I do. Isn't your little study group today?"

"Yes that's where I'm going" I say and Taehyung perks up immensely

"Hey you should ask if they'll let me help with the next Cypher. I've been asking but they never let me"

"And what makes you think they'll change their mind this time?" I raise my eyebrows just as Jimin came in from the back. His face split into a smile upon seeing me and he ruffled Taehyung's hair as he passed. Taehyung swatted at his hand.

"Wishful thinking?"

"Keep wishing then Tae. Maybe someday" I pat his cheek and he sticks his upper lip out and I laugh. I hop over the counter, much to Jimin's chargin, and quickly hurry up the steps. I heard the chatter of voices, and the room came into view. It was like Deja Vu all over again when the boys saw me. They immediately started their jeering.

"Well well well. I'd like to say I'm surprised, but I'm not" Jungkook teased. I rolled my eyes, throwing my bag at him it landed on his lap and he let out a grunt at the impact.

"May I ask why you're late?" Namjoon asks.

"Ice is slick Joon, and I didn't want to fall over. Excuse me for taking percaution" I roll my eyes, plopping next to Hoseok, who immediately threw his arm around me.

"Were glad you made it sunshine" Hoseok grins and I laugh. The only one who hadn't said anything was Yoongi, which was typical. Ever since he left abruptly nearly a month ago, we barely spoke. I'd asked him if Jin was okay, and he only replied with a 'Yes' and that was it. He never made more plans, never answered texts, and the past two meet ups he rarely spoke to me and it annoyed me to no end. I wanted to talk to him, ask him what the hell happened in my kitchen. It was like he was about to kiss me, and then he didn't. And now he was pretending like I didn't exist. It kind of hurt to be honest.

"Show us what you got. You said you finally added music to it" Hoseok says, bringing me out of my daze. I blink, and nod

"Yeah, yeah I did."I say, digging out my laptop, nervously setting it on the coffee table. The song was finally nearly developed. The rap was swift and sorrowful, the music paced to fit it exactly. I was just nervous how the boys would take it. They'd only read the lyrics, now it was fully recorded and ready for listening. I brought up the demo, pressing play and sitting back, nervously figetting the entire time. All three were silent as the rap filled the air, the music complimenting it nicely. It sounded upbeat to a nom-korean speaker, but the lyrics were of unrequited love, developed into harsh bitterness and deciding that it wasn't worth the pain, to get over it and move on. The last part wasn't fully true, I added it for some closure to the song but in reality I was nowhere near over Yoongi, even though he seemed he wanted nothing to do with me. The song ended, and Namjoon nodded, rubbing his hands together.

"It's amazing Y/n" he grins, and I sighed in relief. Hoseok and Jungkook eagerly agree.

"Of course you found a way to make the music compliment the lyrics. You're a genius" Hoseok says and I blush at the compliment "It's really sad Noona, but relatable" Jungkook comments. I thank all three of them, and subconsciously glance at Yoongi's silent form. Namjoon was the one who acted out.

"Yoongi?" He prompts the blonde. Yoongi glanced from the screen to me, and my heart clenched as I waited for his harsh critique. He always did that with our songs, pointing out the flaws while the rest gave good comments. He was the Simon Cowell of our group. But he didn't, he merely nodded his head

"It's good" Yoongi says, and that was it. The three of us were speechless, Jungkook's jaw was dropped and he looked at me with awe.

"You got hyung to compliment you Noona. You must be a goddess" he says, and I blush, shaking my head.

"Stop Kook while you're behind" I warn and he sticks out his tongue. I quickly shut my laptop and shoved into my bag. It was quiet for a couple of seconds, and then Namjoon cleared his throat.

"Okay, I guess now's a good time as any to announce this" he says, his tone nervous. "But last week I went over to another producing company and submitted my tape....and it got accepted" I gasped and the other three boys shouted and whooped. Jungkook threw his arm around Namjoon's shoulders and hugged him tightly. Namjoon grinned bashfully as we all hugged and congratulated him. His dimples were prominent and his cheeks flushed.

"That's great Joon I'm so proud" I say and he laughs, running a hand through his hair.

"Thanks guys" he mumbles.

"We should go out and celebrate that's great!" Jungkook says, and we all nod.

"Well, Jin wanted to throw a party this Saturday...." Namjoon trailed off. "So of course to guys are invited"

"We should get drinks though" Jungkook says "I'll drive"

"Not happening" Yoongi wrinkled his nose "the last time you drove is anywhere we ended up in a ditch"

"I didn't see the squirrel!" Jungkook wailed "And I've gotten better hyung you shouldn't lord that over me you're no better at driving" Jungkook pouts.

"I'll drive" Jimin leans in the doorway, keys dangling from his finger.

Half an hour later we all were sitting around a table, celebrating Namjoon's sucess. He was flushed and blushing, and kept saying how lucky he felt. Taehyung had accompanied us, always eager for free alcohol and food.

Everyone was laughing and enjoying themselves. Hoseok continues to congratulate Namjoon, who's face was flushed and became redder the more he drank. Jimin and Jungkook disappeared hours ago, and Yoongi seemed to be missing as well. After the 6th shot I was fuzzy and lightheaded, and wandered outside to breathe. The cool air immediately hit my skin and my eyes closed and I let out a sigh of relief. The music from the bar was faint outside, absorbed by the air and contained by the building.

"You really can't handle liquor can't you?" A voice said, and I turned to see Yoongi leaning against the side of the bar. His dark eyes were a light with amusement and I roll my eyes.

"I can handle it just fine"

"Please, three shots and your rolling on the floor" he snorts.

"Fuck off Yoongi I was actually in a good mood" I grumble, rubbing my forehead. Yoongi snickered,

"Sorry. Didn't mean to ruin your fun' he says. I glare at him. "What?"

"You're infuriating" you growl at him. He frowns, blinking in confusion.

"What're you talking about?" I stalk towards him, and take a step back, eyeing me warily.

"You. Are. Infuriating. Min Yoongi" each word was expressed with a poke to his sternum, and he watched with a dumb expression on his face, which expressed he had obviously had a few to drink.

"I was just teasing Y/n calm down" he rubs his chest sorely.

"Not about that!" I hiss.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Hoe about you ignoring me for the past month? How about you leaving me alone in my apartment to rescue Jin? Or how about the fact you were about to kiss me?" The questions fell from my mouth before I could stop them. The shots betraying me to Yoongi, who's eyes comically widened with each one. I was shaking, glaring at him to answer my questions. He went silent, reserving himself.

"That was a mistake" he mumbles

"What was?" I instigate further. He ran a hand through his hair, tugging at the ends and he wouldn't meet my eyes.

"Trying to kiss you. I shouldn't have tried that." Hurt shot through my chest at his confession, even if I asked him for the truth. It stung. He could tell, It's must have displayed on my features. He took a step towards me, guilt covering his face but I glared and took a step back.

"Well I'm sorry I'm such a mistake then" I hiss, turning to walk back into the bar. A hand wrapped around my wrist tightly and I was stopped in my place.

"Y/n wait- it's not like that. Please listen" Yoongi said, and it shocked me because it was almost like he was begging me. I turned to glower at him, tugging my hand from his grip, but I didn't move. Yoongi sighed, his head bent towards the ground and refusing to meet my eyes. "I don't think you're a mistake. You twisted my words, as you always do-"

"Watch it" I growl warningly

"-but I didn't kiss you because I didn't think you wanted me to" He finished without pause. I gave him a dumbfounded look.

"Wait, what?" Yoongi groaned, tugging at the ends of his hair and scowled at me like it was my fault he was so cryptic.

"I didn't think you wanted me to kiss you. I thought you didn't like me, and I figured there was someone else."

"What makes you think there was someone else?" I questioned angrily, folding my arms

"Your song" Yoongi says. This made me laugh. The alcohol in my system had me buzzing and I could feel it. It was Yoongi's turn to be angry at me. "Why are you laughing?" He demanded.

"What does my song have to do with me being with someone else Yoongi? It's about being rejected from someone and unreciprocated love."

"The ending is about getting over them" he says and I shook my head

"I added that part. I never got over him" I say sadly, knowing I'd regret admitting that when I woke up the next morning.

"So there is someone. See? That's why I didn't kiss you. You're still hung up over some jerk who's too stupid to notice your interest in him" Yoongi says. I was quiet, my eyes on the ground. Then I spoke softly

"It's you"

"What?" Yoongi frowned, not catching my words

"You. The song's about you" I mumble. He stared at me, his eyes beginning to widen. I could see his thoughts multiplying, forming the words of my song to fit with how he'd treated me so coldly when I just wanted his affection.Yoongi's heart thudded in his chest, all color drained from his body. He shook his head, and backed away

"No. Not possible" he mumbled

"Why not?" I demanded, but he shook his head again. Yoongi backed farther away when I approached him.

"No" He hisses, his voice suddenly full of venom and spite. I stepped back, shocked. Yoongi turned away, walking quickly down the street until he was out of sight. I watched the spot where he dissappeared. Rejection and hurt being my only voiced emotions. That's where Namjoon and the others found me, outside and crying. Their happy uplifted moods suddenly dropped upon seeing my tear streaked face. They tried prying my reason for crying out of me, but I refused to speak.

"Just please take me home" I mumble. Namjoon called Seokjin, who was in the midst of sleeping and scolded Namjoon for being out late, but agreed to come pick us up. 10 minutes later we were piled into his car and being driven home. He frowned when he noticed we were one short.

"Where's Yoongi?" He asks. All eyes turned on me, I was the only one who last saw him. I stared out the window solemnly, resentment boiling my veins.

"He can be in hell for all I care" I grunt out, and the car fell into since once more.

[the-firebird69]

IPOs | Recent IPO Filings, Calendar of Upcoming IPOs, and IPO Data

We offered an i p o we were forced to cover it we covered it besides buy everything. They kept the stocks the same thinking that we can't take the companies over and that's what their attitude is and that's what they're doing regardless of what's happening we're taking the companies over was we bought and we bought our company back Sim you never put hard knock out

.

Didn't want you opening the hard-knock company because it's our company because you're the one who gave it up when not having him get anything that's how he said it you will not get anything a thing is what you said. Which is absurd to say to someone who's so smart and can sell things in absurd person I love you are we have sold you and we all built you in three months there's no motorcycle company on Earth that has built or sold as many as us and even combined they haven't and that's just Hardknock not including Sim bikes. And our cars are now selling more than your cars sell globally combined and soon it will overtake all vehicles and you won't have any on the road that are new none just Sim and public transportation is going to be ours shortly were building those two Orville those people do stuff looks like you I don't give a hateful a******* that's what got you here moron I'm hateful bang, mine hit you s, I'm fully loaded. We're going ahead and telling people that he was under extreme duress and his anger is up there and so is there is though they say most the time I want him to do well and we're going to take over your company in Miami and he's going to run it from wherever he wants to in ken be out on the yacht let me tell tell him Ken what to do I am ken get on the phone and tell them what to do. So flabbergasted sitting there exhausted sweating and tired and it's nuts are hurting them is sent to spend all day long and wasting time and energy and money putting holes in the roof and ruining it you're idiots cuz everyone told you how to fix it you won't listen making a message she wants to do an apartment that's it's a good idea he'll tell me about if he gets one he'll tell me right away this isn't going to listen and see what they say and then I'll get I got to get over to him and tell him that I said already already in space so Ken says that's what I say it is what we'd like him to do something like that you guys are using this company against those who want to use it against them and see if they can see it the necklace to see what we do with it and so far he's doing absolutely nothing so take advantage of

It

And by the way the Kraken will be up shortly and surely means very soon we're talking only a few hours we got everything lined up and ready to go and those kikker 5150 or all up there and DC in the Bronx in New York and Jersey price of Delaware most of its waste land and most of jerseys wasteland and you girls will send in the Martians it's Zig Zag's territory. And he says yes and he's going to do it and do you want to see these people. Georgie porgie and the noise that I make he says slapping people and get Tom Cruise out there to get dust all over him actually this is it cuz we're going to go ahead and do that and what time cruise to see what it's like in other people who are sitting there using and abusing and infusing and bothering and harassing you needed gone you're so dumb it's bad enough he's famous and everyone like wants to talk to him is he does that all the time Oru zoos and he rips a big one she's practiced for a long time. I'm going to pull that thing out of there I'm going to go over there and make sure it's going along so I keep saying it's going along

Weather now I'm talking about girls to help her out of the way that things going to things that need to be done so get them done so you can focus on getting it ready healthy feels okay so we're doing that and clear it all out and we're wrestling with people also new says this why is it so important to get it out you know why if you don't cut the crap and give you sitting right under me no offense but that's not it the severity is horrible here everything smells like s*** everyone smells like s*** they talk like it they look like it and they're like the the head guys you have to try and talk to you about some stuff and they don't talk straight and they hardly tell the truth and how they remember it and they're very mean and their temperament is nasty and all cannibals as like Wade through all that as you know and you do it a lot but sitting here the Thor father are going to be nearby not looking forward to it let's see what else can I eat well it's kind of competing with you up there.

We need a boost and we're going to get one because of Dave stager who's the electric bike guy he knows about it and said he's cold Kohl's your Frozen I was like electricians or something we have like these monkeys in your room from The Big bang theory yeah when will that happen probably when the queen moves out of the big tank so it's on now and it's going on there's tons of people and we have to move in and doing that the same time northlake computer but he wants that out today and he's insisting on it is asked too many times it's taking too long you had to get involved last time so he keeps on doing it every few minutes and is asking why do is it calculated is it fed is it monitored each area of it shoot and it says yes so is it on schedule for early evening . And no honest as the real answer is no not ready for early evening why is there anything I can help with usually it might be something that's already done on occasion or something that you're not thinking of her maybe I can't I don't know so going to tell you there's a few things in the way and a pretty big-sized one of them is right here knowledgeable about with me here just have to go there with me out and if you have to and that's the whole object of the game here and Thor is good at that as well as my wife and Nuada Arrianna, we have a consensus that we need to feed it more and what you're saying is why if it's livened up if it's moving and it's healed and a strong it's easier if it's not a huge it's hard to agree with you answer this it's got to be healthy and only has to be healthy yeah not really plump less plan for this case is decent and Thor agrees. Fully operational difference. So Nuada Arianna agree, we should not make him huge it should make him at optimal performance possible or at least 80% thinking about he'll be off tomorrow in like 10 minutes everybody agrees with that it's just start picking out and getting rid of you and eat whatever he wants so we decided something under here it's kind of the way it is we've got to win do we need to use it we need to get people in here we need to stop listening to all the stupid s*** I need to get the damn thing out of here so if it's going to come out fully intact at 80% like a whole bunch of them probably do then I get it out so I understand you're angry and you're expressing it all the time and you should be and I should be angry because I keep saying stuff like that it's a pain in the ass hasto we aired but I know is most come out a little small and most rare kind of smelly and not really up to speed about 70% and he's about 80 so he's ready so things are out of the way and it's trapped take it out right now right now is there anything preventing at right now because we're stopping ourselves from survival this is terrible this people blab every 5 seconds.

So I look at you and I say I don't understand what we're saying we have to do it during the day and we have to do it during the night and I don't know what you're saying you're saying we have to do it during the night now I figured out something you listen to what I'm saying and obviously means something during the day it's somewhat visible and during the night is not cuz it could be so indifferent with a gear Love Field Michelle us team is that a lot of steam I figure someone messing with a gear do the steam at night and really should. Also I got to straighten out this effing argument he wants it done and wants it done now and we have ways to do it and we're arguing in public for no damn reason except everyone wants to argue with him all the time such an addiction I don't want him arguing with anyone is tired he wants it out he wants to do the damn job you do it to me too I'm in the middle I don't know which way to go I need it done and he comes along and gets it done and it was sitting there watching me suffer and you know she doesn't want this tennis match it doesn't help him doesn't help hours and starting humoring Andy ever and going back and forth trying to get close to people. I'm starting to realize something I've been doing that for weeks and people are starting to get annoyed I don't stop doing that ask him what we need you went and kicked out of Ireland this is a piece of crap to you is not useful as risking your life there's no point to it so I'm going to do that and take all the stuff he doesn't he's a little s*** to I'm going to put Factory is wall-to-wall just like the did you say said but really they push us out and push this all over the place so they can't tell who we are huge pain in the ass because you lose track of people and you get weaker and that's what they're doing it for so I'm going to do that now I'm going to catch all the snakes that I chase out of there so he knows what to say so I'm mad this is what he going to do that if you're not helping to get this out and it's slowing the process you can go do it now cuz I need distraction in order to get this going leave it or not it's a lot easier so I'm going over there now and will provide distraction and he does need adhere to certain things that need to be done so I sign lobo and proxima midnight the 11th to come over here instead of beating them up I guess in Atlanta for some reason that's what I do so I understand so wow what do I do fire up that big two wheeler and roll cleaner and save the island it's awesome so I think we might do that the gang member perfect well and nobody noticed the Lobo was in East LA... Me too hahaha Proxima Midnight.

I vote we raise it now Thor

I vote we raise it now Hera

I vote we raise it now Zues

I vote we raise it now one for me one for her Nuada Arianna

I vote we raise it now to votes Isis and Rah

Tons are voting now finally

Olympus

They all say now. Who begin the protocols and we start to prep for it and put in heavy I'm starting to do it now isn't it goes over there is extinct anything it starts to warm is extinct any groups that start forming all of the world were going to hit where they are

[for20tofreedom]

undefined

I woke up with this song that my mom used to listen to called "Happy Birthday Darling" stuck in my head. I always thought was a sad song. Probably because the only words I remembered were

"Happy birthday darlin'

I've no presents, no fancy cake

But I hope I'll make you happy

With everything I take"

I've found that the best way to break the song stuck in my head loop is to listen to the song a few times and it goes away. So I learned what all the words to the song were this morning and now I see why my mom loved this "sad song". I can't think of anyone in a relationship that wouldn't want to be told those sweet, sweet li...things.

I think this cheezy (yes, with a z) song is my song for 2019. Over the last year or so, I've been "taking" a lot of things away from myself that have diminished my quality of life; my favorite foods, things that I love, people I care about and beliefs I have held dear for as long as I can remember.

At first, it was extremely unsettling, I was very conflicted, but the more I cut out these awful things (that I love) the better I feel, I've been happier, more calm, but also very angry with myself because the more complacency I conquer the more I see how all of our choices in our beliefs and people have similarities to our choices in everyday decisions such as "where to shop?" or "what to eat?" and the way it slowly turns our self/ our life into a stranger.

For instance, first few times shopping at walmart is very gratifying because you know you are getting a very similar, if not the same, product that other stores have for less money. The problem comes when you quit shopping around and comparing stores and products and start getting everything from walmart. Next thing you know, all you have is a lot of cheap junk, items you know should last longer, so you don't want to toss them out. You've gotten so used to paying less that you no longer want to pay what a good, quality replacement cost. So you're stuck with half useless crap/baggage but you tell yourself "it's better than nothing...." or "it's better than what I had before....." and you settle for it

Let's compare this to doctors.

In Austin, I had some horrible experiences with doctors, the last year there I was hospitalized over 4 times and let out after a few days or week without any information as to why just being told it's probably because I'm walking around on my bad leg too much or because I need to lose weight. By the time we moved to Phoenix, I was literally dying, somehow the doctors missed the renal failure/stage 3 kidney disease (my right kidney is less than half the size of my left) and the one doctor that saw the abnormal blood levels in Austin never thought to do a simple ultrasound but he had no problem prescribing more pain killers that I specifically said I didn't need because I was going to a pain clinic already.

After being in the hospital here,, getting out feeling better, with real answers: I found a doctor's office and a P.A. that immediately found several big issues, easily fixed by simple life changes and I began to believe that this practice, these doctors, actually care about helping people. So I took their advice, skeptically at first but then as they gained my trust I began taking more prescriptions, thinking that they are researching, doing their job, looking out for me. 5 years later, I was in worse condition than when I moved here. The biggest issue was caused by the testosterone injections which led to blood clots. The P.A. delayed and then eventually refused to even give me the records of the injections so I could turn them into the lawyer. Probably because I specifically asked him about the risk of blood clots and he said there was none, "that was only there because if anything happens in a research study it had to be reported, whether it's caused by the medication or not". So I switched to a new P.A. in the same office, expressed my concerns and she seemed to care but under her care I wanted to get off all the prescriptions and start over. She was all for it but every appointment she is suggesting something new: coincidentally enough it was something that a pharmaceutical rep had just been there, that day, feeding them an expensive lunch and giving them a lot of free samples for their patients. Hmmm. That is when I realized I had settled, she only cared about me because she didn't have that many patients, as her clientele grew, she started prescribing more medications and listening less to the real issues I was having. Now I realize it has been a year and she can't even be bothered to send in a refill for my cpap supplies. I really did settle for better than I had before, so I'm taking away my doctor. It's scary not knowing how many I'm going to have to go see to find one that is worth my time but hopefully it will be worth it.

Actually I know it will be worth it, I'm just not looking forward to doing all the research, taking time out for appointments, etc.

With each one of these choices I gain momentum and it becomes easier to make choices that I thought were impossible.

I've had co-workers and friends that were horrible, toxic people but I believed they were good deep down, maybe just misunderstood (that is certainly how I've felt a lot in life, hoping someone would give me a chance to prove I am a good person), so I show them that I care, prove it with actions more than words. In the end I see that they just used me to get ahead, or maybe I was just better than they had before and not what they really wanted, just good enough or "what they could afford", so I've been taking these people away, cutting them out of my life.

For twenty years I have believed that I would always have to take pain killers. My leg hurts, all the time, a lot but I can't live with myself taking prescriptions everyday, at least not taking one's I know are causing more damage than good just for the sake of comfort. So I've taken them away and I've taken away the absolute beliefs that I need pain meds.

Even as I start this experiment, utilizing medical marijuana to relieve pain and withdrawals from years of opiate addiction, I am looking for a balanced life and if this isn't the answer, I'll take it away and keep searching.

So Happy Birthday to me,

I know I'll make myself happy

With everything I take.

#420tofreedom #opiatefree #medicalmarijuana #mmj #arizona #gettingmylifeback