#and going down memory lane of why i wrote what i wrote

[dearmash1975project]

It was fitting that Brian was the first person I spoke to for this. It was his letter, after all, and the age written on it (age 11), that touched me so deeply that it sparked this whole project. I’ll keep my methods on how I tracked him down close to the vest, so as not to illustrate how easy it is to find anyone in this digital age; needless to say– getting an email back that read “Dear Lily, Yes I did!” was thrilling. We scheduled to speak on the phone and did on July 15th, 2024.

{Interview continued under the cut}

Brian Nores was no longer 11 when we spoke on the phone. Between the passage of time and the life that fills the mind since age 11, he didn’t remember writing the letter until my email.

An email, he told me, that his partner advised him not to answer as it was “probably a scam.” Thankfully for me, Brian is “always getting himself into trouble” and answered my inquiry about a letter he may or may not have sent while living at X address in 1975. In hindsight, his partner was definitely right for being wary.

Brian credited his late father for the letter’s existence and described memories flooding back after reading the words he wrote nearly 50 years earlier. Not long before he wrote the M*A*S*H letter, Brian was a boy scout who wanted to quit. His father instructed him that he could quit, but he had to write a letter to the scout master explaining why he wanted to leave the troop. His dad ‘never let him off the hook for that,’ and it was likely this instillation of values that gave Brian the confidence to speak his mind after the fateful episode aired. [In a fascinating ending to the boy scout anecdote– Brian, who still lives in the area, was at the local frame shop years later where the owner recognized his name and produced the letter, which the scout master was having framed.]

When I asked if he remembered the episode he responded how anyone who has seen it would; he remembered it very well. He recalled being “disturbed” and “shocked” by it. In a world before spoiler alerts, he explained, “the whole world saw that episode and reacted in real time.” As an 11-year-old, but also as an American youth raised on American narratives of war, he remembered expecting Henry to “go off into the sunset” and be okay.

“For me, M*A*S*H ended after that episode.”

Brian watched occasionally after season 3 but had no idea the series continued for as long as it did (M*A*S*H aired from 1972-1983). “It was never the same, certainly.”

Brian was in 5th grade in 1975, and at his young age he had never seen something on TV that disturbing. He told me he reached out to an old friend to discuss the letter, and they reminisced about their lives at that time. “Age of innocence” was the term he used with me. At that point in his life, he had never lost any relatives or experienced any hardships. “The most shocking thing that I had experienced prior to that was a large earthquake in ’71.” For Brian, this episode marked one of the first experiences he had had with death.

It's an extraordinary level of influence to have, that the simple ‘writing off’ of a character can have such an impact on a young life. We often characterize television as a sort of hobby, one that has less of a cachet than movies; but the mechanism by which media compels our emotions is the same.

Brian reflected more on this impact when telling me that The Mary Tyler Moore Show was his favorite series, and he recalled crying at the finale in 1977. He remembered thinking “How could they end this?”

To Brian, television was “taken a little more seriously then.” With one TV, there were fights over who got to hold the clicker when you sat around the set as a family. “You got one chance to watch it.” He explained. “What a different world we live in now.”

Brian still lives in the area where he grew up and drives past his old house and “down memory lane” often. He is still close to two of his childhood best friends. He shared with me some of his thoughts on aging, a topic that still feels “surreal” to him. “Only recently have I started to experience change. Restaurants etc. going away. Everything that we grew up with has changed. TV, movies, roads, politics. I don’t like this!” He laughed. “You look in the mirror and think.”

Brian had no idea that his letter ended up in the archives of our country’s National History Museum. “Really surprised” is how he described his reaction to the news; one of the aforementioned childhood friends was “blown away.”

“What it said to me (...) was that it reaffirmed/reinforced some of the things that my dad told me. Doing the right thing and following through.” Brian shared.

“What a difference it can make. That this moment is occurring because I spent a few minutes writing.”

~~~~

Thank you so much to Brian for granting me this interview.

Subject photos courtesy of Brian: Letter-era Brian/current-era Brian, Huntington Library Garden, California.

Accession information: Photo taken by me, 3 July 2024. “Letters from viewers regarding the death of Henry Blake.” Box 22, Folder 4. M*A*S*H Television Show Collection, 1950-1984, Archives Center, National Museum of American History. https://sova.si.edu/record/nmah.ac.0117/ref359?s=0&n=10&t=C&q=NMAH.AC.0117&i=0

[swift-works]

Enchanted

masterlist | part two

pairing: portgas d. ace x isekai!reader

word count: 1.7k

summary:  After inheriting your grandmother's house, you find a seemingly normal mirror in the attic. When night falls however, the mirror becomes a portal into your favorite fictional world and who better to greet you than your favorite character. Can you change his fate or see him to his doom?  

tags: isekai!reader, SFW, trying to keep this as gender neutral as possible, mentions of grief and minor character death?

a/n: this is very loosely based on the movie "love across time" i had the idea through a scene on TikTok and watched the movie for a better idea of what i was going to do and this was the result! I wrote over 1k words and them completely rewrote this 🫠

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It all started when your grandmother died. Bless her soul, she was one of the few people you had left in this world. Your parents were out of the picture and you had no siblings. Granny was the one who raised you and you were there to keep her company during her last years. You had known it was only a matter of time when she took a turn for the worse a few months ago. In a blink of an eye, your little family of two turned into just you.

The funeral had already been planned. That woman had to have things go exactly as she wanted even from beyond the grave. All of the funeral proceedings had passed in a blur. One moment you were saying your final goodbyes and the next her casket was being lowered into the ground. You felt numb, even if you knew this had to happen eventually. Even though you had other friends, your grandma was your best friend. You didn’t have a clue what you were going to do without her.

You were the sole inheritor of her will. All of her assets, including the house, were now in your name. You didn’t really care for anything except the house. It was home. It still carried her scent and everything reminded you of her. You spent the next few days going through boxes of memories that she had under her bed. A teary smile painting your face the entire time. The pictures proved how much she loved you. You’d miss her for the rest of your life.

There must have been more boxes somewhere. Memory lane had you in its nostalgia inducing grip. The only other place you could think of was the attic. It wasn’t your favorite place. Dust, cobwebs and an interesting smell awaited you.  As soon as you made your way into the attic, you let out a sneeze. You don’t think anyones cleaned up here in years. There were many boxes, mostly filled with old toys, baby blankets and holiday decorations. Old sheet covered furniture was tucked in the corner. 

A glint of light caught your eye. Your eyes followed the path to find a half covered mirror. It was practically calling your attention. You pulled the rest of the sheet off, coughing when a wave of dust flew off. The mirror frame was beautiful. Covered in elegant golden carvings, it was full length and in perfect condition. Why was this collecting dust up here? You wondered if you could bring it downstairs by yourself. Luckily, when you tried moving it, it wasn’t difficult to move. You were able to wrangle it down the attic stairs with ease. The question now was where to place it.

It was too big for the hallway and you didn’t want to move anything from the living room. No other room was a good fit so it looked like you’d be rearranging your room. Weeks of clothes build up had been cleared away and you made space next to your window. The mirror fit snugly against the wall and brought a certain pop to your room. You adjusted the mirror so that the lighting would complement your figure. Once you were satisfied, you decided you needed a quick snack break.

It's safe to say you got side tracked and completely forgot what you originally went to the attic for. You guess that’d have to wait another day because you did not feel like doing anything else for the day. Maybe it was time to pick up where you left off on One Piece. You had left off right before the time skip, having needed a nice break after Marineford. Then your grandma's health had worsened and you just hadn’t gotten around to continuing. A couple of episodes went by before you grew drowsy and started to nod off. 

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You woke up a few hours later to a dark room. The tv had turned off sometime when you fell asleep. You got up and stretched. It probably wasn’t a good idea to take a nap so late. Might as well go to your room and hopefully get a few more hours of sleep. As you made your way into your room to get ready for bed, you didn’t notice a golden shimmer materialize across the mirror. So it came as a shock when you passed in front of the mirror and your reflection was not looking back at you. In fact, it wasn't even your room that appeared. There wasn’t anything appearing. It looked like a giant white canvas, as if a sheet was covering it but there was no sheet.

Odd. You chalked it up to being groggy from your nap. It was better than thinking that you were starting to hallucinate. The mirror was tomorrow's problem. Right now, you just wanted to go back to sleep. You only had a few more days before you were supposed to go back to work so you needed to get a bunch of stuff done this weekend. As you were drifting back to sleep, you swore you could hear faint chatter and the sound of the ocean. ‘I thought the tv was off?’ was your last thought before you fell back to sleep.

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The Moby Dick was a large ship. Too big to be sent on a scavenger hunt. Having to search all of the storage rooms to find a few measly things was like some sort of punishment. Oh wait, it was.

Ace had ‘forgotten’ to do a report on one of the 2nd divisions' latest missions. So here he was after a stern lecture from Marco, given a list of things to check off for inventory. He was told that he had to complete the list before dinner or Thatch wouldn’t save him any. That jerk. Ace thought it was a waste of time for him but had quickly silenced himself with a look from Marco. ‘Well you should have used your time to write up a mission report but here we are.’ he had remarked while handing Ace the list and walking off.

Well, hours had passed and so had dinner. Ace could hear his stomach growling. There was only one thing left on the list. All he had to do was find some bed sheets for the infirmary. The light in the room was dim so Ace used his devil fruit to navigate the darker spots. Aha! There were some sheets draped over some old boxes. He had taken the sheet from the largest box only to find it wasn’t a box, it was a mirror. How odd for such an elegant looking thing to be stuffed in the back of a storage room. Must have been Izo’s. He shrugged and checked another box that was full of sheets. Nodding to himself, Ace checked off the final box on the list. Hopefully Thatch wouldn’t mind him getting a midnight meal.

Before he left though, the mirror caught his eye again. There was a faint golden shimmer before his reflection shifted. Instead of his surroundings, a bedroom appeared on the other side. Ace tilted his head. “Huh, who knew we had a magic mirror.” He lifted his hand to the mirror but it was stopped by the glass. He was so absorbed in the idea of a mysterious mirror that he didn’t notice the figure on the other side. A shriek rang out and he snapped back to attention and held out his hands.

“Woah woah woah! No need for screaming. I can’t hurt you or anything. Not that I would want to hurt you.” Ace rambled on. He took in the figure who had appeared and his cheeks flushed. You were cute. The last thing he wanted to do was scare someone who was cute. It was totally not cool of him. He noticed that you made no movements and your face was frozen in shock.

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Oh god, there was someone in your mirror. It had been days since you saw something odd in the mirror but when you woke up the next morning, it was totally normal. This was not a totally normal mirror. You had come into your room after a long day from work and suddenly a man was in your mirror. The room behind him was dim so you could barely make out his figure even as he tried to calm you down.

You could barely focus on what he was saying but, you could've sworn you've heard that voice before. That voice. It was on the tip of your tongue. You realized he wasn’t speaking anymore and snapped back to attention. “Okay, I’m gonna hope that you’re not real and I’m actually talking to myself or this is a weird dream. Who are you and why are you in my mirror?” 

“Your mirror? I’m pretty sure that you’re in my mirror, not that I mind.” He shrugged and sent you a wink. Unfortunately for him, you didn’t catch it.

“I’m gonna ignore that last part, mirror man. And you didn’t answer my question.” You crossed your arms.

“Mirror man? That's the best you could come up with? You’re telling me that you don’t recognize me? I’m a very wanted man. I’ll tell you who I am when you tell me who you are, shrieker.”

Oh so you had a wanted criminal in your mirror. This was just what you needed. Well, it appeared that he wasn’t hostile. So you told him your name. “Okay you have my name, can I finally know yours and also maybe see who I’m talking to. You have really bad lighting.” 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m on it.” He lit his hand on fire. You gasped in shock. He continued on as if it was perfectly normal for him. As the flaming hand drew near to his face, you could begin to make out his features. He was tall, lean and shirtless. It also looked like he had a tattoo. Wait. Wait. Suddenly it clicked why that voice was so familiar. You knew who it was before you could see his face. This was impossible. The figure was-

“Since you wanna know my name so badly, it’s Ace. Portgas D Ace.”

You could barely make out warm brown eyes and a sea of freckles before everything went black. The last thing you heard was a panicked voice calling out.

end of part one | next part

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a/n: i have not liked anything i've written this week but that's life as a writer. this is probably going to be like 3 or 4 parts? maybe more who knows. not me. i hope everyone enjoyed :) i'm gonna try and finish up my other two fics i'm working on. i've been trying to keep these gender neutral so let me know if i slip up please! or if y'all want fem!reader ~ anna

[theealbatross]

Sebastian x Reader: come one, come all (One Shot)

Plot | Five years after graduating, two kindred spirits are finally getting married and their friends reminisce on their brilliant histories.

or, Lucas Brattleby interviews their friends on their memories and opinions of the future Mr. and Mrs. Sallow as a little gift for the couple.

Tags | None, fluff, overuse of the name Merlin, mentions of slight torture (hexes), lowkey bullying, lowkey codependency if you squint, obsessive behavior (but it's okay cause theyre in love), cursing, Lucas lowkey has a crush on Sebastian lol

[A/N: A line from this story is not made by me, "I would follow him to hell but I wish he wouldn't go there" so to whoever wrote that first just know your quote is the inspiration for this story!!]

“What is this again?”

The brat, Lucas Brattleby, had grown obscenely taller the last time Imelda had seen him, which was about 3 years ago when he was a rookie reporter covering her latest game. She heard he is now a publisher in his own right but didn’t seem to brush off that annoying lint in his voice back when he was still a Gryffindor matching illegal unsanctioned duels in the Clock Tower.

“A small gift of mine for the couple,” he grinned (still as irritating, she’s seen that grin enough times before she got her ass handed to her so forgive her for not being enamored), pushing the pen (recorder?) to her that she reflexively pushed him by his face. “Sorry.”

“And why should I do this?”

“Oh come on, Imelda. It’s just harmless questions to take us back down memory lane. It’ll be played at the reception and I promise I’ll send you everything before I finalize it just so you can make sure –”

“Alright!” She stopped walking, rolling her eyes when Lucas quickly assembled his camera, even quickly conjuring a chair and putting it at the center of the frame. Clearly, he knew she could change her mind at any moment.

“My lady,” he bowed dramatically, pointing a palm to the seat.

“Don’t call me that. You have 10 minutes before warm-ups start.” Lucas raised both of his hands in the air before quickly running behind the camera and clicking the button to start recording.

“I’ll be out of here in 5.” Lucas flipped a paper in front of him. “Let’s start with your name, a little something about yourself and where did you meet them.”

She took a deep breath, putting on the poker face she usually plasters on her face when talking to the media before her many games instinctively. “Imelda Reyes, Vice-Captain of Puddlemere United, and I had the misfortune of being in the same boat as Sebastian Sallow during our first year. She, however, was a little late to the party and wreaked havoc on my life when I was a fifth year.”

Lucas was meticulously writing notes in his fancy notebook.

“What’s the fondest memory you have of the couple?”

She scoffed, not even needing to think about it. “Sebastian? Definitely when he caught a bludger … with his face.” The memory of the cry he emitted pulled a real smile on Imelda’s face. “We almost lost and I would’ve killed him for it but oh was it glorious.”

He remembers this game.

“Didn’t he fall off his broom midair?”

Imelda waved a nonchalant hand in front of her face. “That girlfriend of his caught him with an Arresto Momentum so no harm done – well, except the crooked nose he sported for a week.”

Lucas chuckled with her, “And for the future Mrs. Sallow?”

“Nothing much, most conversation we’ve had was her beating me – beating me in a race, beating me in a duel, Merlin, she even beat me with the class ranking on her first year in Hogwarts. I had a five-year head start how was that possible?!”

Lucas smiled, reading that as bitter her words were she truly held no grudge over it. He was caught off guard, however, when Imelda suddenly had a small, serene smile on her face, her voice when she spoke softer. “She was … it was like I was always chasing after her. We all were, Sebastian always first in the race but … it was fun. I had fun. She made Hogwarts fun. A true competition, yknow? Didn’t have much at that point in my life.”

“Competition?”

“A friend.”

Lucas couldn’t help but be surprised – not everyone can be considered as Imelda Reyes’ friend as picky as she is, though he quickly fixed his face when she shot him a look that told him not to probe. “Did you ever think they would both get married?”

Imelda scoffed out a laugh, crossing her arms. “I knew the only way they wouldn’t get married is if Sallow got assassinated by one of her many admirers and even then I wouldn’t put it past him to somehow turn into an Inferi just so he can still be the one to marry her. I’m honestly surprised he held on for this long, pretty sure he would’ve popped the question the moment we graduated.”

“Technically, he did. They just decided to get married this year.”

That one made her laugh out loud, shaking her head at her old friend’s antics. Of course, she knew those two would get married, basically tied to the hip, always getting in and out of trouble with each other and for each other. Bloody hell, they’d been married since fifth-year and just didn’t know it.

“Typical Sallow,” she caught herself. “Well, Sallows now, Merlin help us all.”

Lucas rechecked everything on his notes, making sure to mark any and all important details of the words his enchanted pen has written for him as he spoke with his former Senior, Garreth Weasley, who was once a thorn on the side of Professor Sharp but was now a renowned Potions Master actively getting scouted by Hogwarts, his blends sought upon by the most respectable wizards and witches all over the world.

“Did I think they would get married? Mate, Sebastian almost bit my head off when I tried to ask her if she would like to be partners for one potion class. One! And we were sitting next to each other! I’m sorry if I thought I was being friendly?!”

Lucas has heard and has unfortunately been a victim of Sebastian’s … tendencies. You, despite being the top duelist in Hogwarts was always, more often than not, partnered with Sebastian in every duel. The one time Lucas had agreed in a quiet solo duel without letting Sebastian know his senior had caught him on his way to his potion's class and nailed him to the wall by his cloak while threatening him to never let it happen again or he will turn him into a pretty outline in the walls of Hogwarts with Bombarda.

He thinks that was the closest thing he had been to peeing his pants.

“Yeah, Sebastian doesn’t have the best track record with friendly males around his girlfriend.”

“They weren’t even courting by then how would I bloody know that –”

“Ready, Poppy?”

Surprisingly, the sweet woman in front of him has been the most difficult to track down. Amongst their mutual friends she was the one he had no idea where to start, especially after his only lead, her grandmother, had no other information to give him aside that the last she heard Sweet Poppy was down South Clagmar Coast ‘doing Merlin knows what’.

Thankfully, the citizens of Cragcroft were a bit more helpful and he was able to send her an owl about his little project.

“Where should we start?”

Lucas made sure she was framed perfectly in the shot before nodding to himself. “Nothing complicated Poppy, just first impressions or any memory you have of the young couple.”

She pursed her lips in thought, nodding to herself, “The two of them have always been terrifyingly intimidating, especially for someone like me. Seemed to just attract attention and trouble on their own – I mean, killing a troll in Hogsmeade on the first day – just a bunch of troublemakers they were. Brilliant troublemakers – which only made them scarier in my eyes.”

Lucas nodded in total agreement but he couldn’t help but squint at her.

“You aren’t exactly innocent, Ms. Hid-a-Hippogriff.”

Her eyes widened, blushing at the accusation. “In my defense, future Mrs. Sallow helped me take care of Highwing.”

Poppy recounted the memories with a smile on her face.  Her dainty smile grew bigger as she recapped happy memories she had with her classmates.

“But they’ve always been lovely. Lovely people and an even lovelier couple. Sebastian has always been bright and charming and surprisingly kind for a Slytherin and she … she’s always been unapologetic of who she was. It also meant she never judged anybody for who they are either.”

The woman paused, the smile on her face remained frozen as if she was in deep reflection.

“A true friend – one of the truest I had.”

Lucas was never in their circle, hell, aside from each other and maybe Ominis nobody was truly ever in their innermost circle despite their popularity. At every explosive trouble the two were always caught in he couldn’t help but wonder just what they get up to when they weren’t caught. Even back then he knew he would’ve risked his life and followed them no question asked if it meant his young self got to go to one of their death-defying adventures with them.

But being two years younger was a barrier he could never overcome.

It is refreshing to hear of stories from their friend’s perspective and not in passing in the Central Hall in Hogwarts where it’s all half-true, fabricated, or painfully hyperbolic. Maybe that’s why he had thought to do this, a reporter’s disease of needing to know the truth, the dark side of the coin they hid with their secrets and anonymities passed only in hushed whispers and clandestine meetings with each other.

“Are you excited about the wedding?”

Poppy nodded eagerly. “Oh, I’m extremely happy for my friends! It’s not every day two souls find each other and just not let go. I’m glad they didn’t. After all they’ve been through, they deserve to have each other.”

He couldn’t have agreed more.

“That they do.”

Mr. Lucas Brattleby,

I have received your owl, unfortunately, I will not be able to go back there till the night before the wedding as I still have a business to wrap up here in America. For the questions you sent, I shall send this Howler and you may record it.

I have nothing good to say about Mr. Sebastian Sallow, that boy had done nothing but torment me in my youth. It’s a bloody miracle he had managed to snag the Hero of Hogwarts as his girlfriend – terrible lack of judgment on her part I must say, we all have our flaws – much less agree to be his wife. If there’s one good thing he did do, it was willingly become a lowly servant to such a lovely witch. Least he could do, really.

However, despite their blatant differences and unfortunate similarities I, for one, knew immediately that not even Death could sever such a connection – not if Sebastian Sallow had anything to say about it, and trust me I speak from experience. They’ve fought through detentions, goblins, dark wizards, and a damned troll – I’m sure marriage will be a breeze in a park.

Well, if I’m wrong, then let the future Mrs. Sallow know I would be more than willing to offer a comforting shoulder.

Leander Prewitt Department of International Magical Cooperation

PS. To my darling wife Leonora, light of my life, the last part was a joke and If I somehow disappear it was Sebastian Sallow who did it.

“They give Sebastian too much credit when my dear friend was equally as obsessed about him. Do you remember Allia?”

Lucas snapped his fingers when he finally put a face to the name he hadn’t heard in a while but made sure to look around lest one of the younger students managed to hear such … delicate matters in the DADA classroom. “Didn’t she transfer during your 6th year? Something about personal … complications?”

Natty laughed out loud, doubling over with tears in her eyes. “Oh, that excuse was all thanks to Ominis swinging around his name. Our dear witch hexed poor Allia while she was asleep for trying to poison Sebastian with Amortentia! Sneaked straight into the Ravenclaw tower and cursed her to grow the features of a rat every time she even thought about Sebastian! The only way Ominis could convince our friend to take back the curse and avoid expulsion was at the condition of her transferring and never letting the couple see even her shadow again.”

He never even noticed that his jaw was hanging off his face.

“Oh, if everyone only knew that fights I had prevented if a Junior so much as fluttered their lashes at Sebastian,” she shook her head, still laughing to herself.

Now all the pieces he hadn’t realized were part of the same puzzle clicked on his head. The flat smile on her face that never quite reached her eyes every time they were surrounded by strangers, the grip she always held on Sebastian’s arms no matter where they were going, the ‘promise ring’ Sebastian also wore when traditionally it was just the girl who had it, and the absolute absence of Sebastian’s name when girls talked about boys they fancied in the common room when he was undoubtedly better looking than most students in Hogwarts.

“A jealous witch she was, thinks she’s good at hiding it,” Natty chuckled.

Lucas realized in horror that she had scared off the entire female student body.

“But by the gods was she better at hexes.”

When Lucas had heard that Ominis Gaunt had been working closely with the Minister for Magic and was undoubtedly being groomed to be his successor, he wasn’t exactly surprised. Everyone knew he would be someone important someday so Lucas had damn near lost all hope as he sent an owl to the man.

When he received a reply in a fortnight brought by a regal-looking owl, Lucas thought he must have some soft spot for his fellow alumni. But it would seem the man just had a lot to let out of his chest.

“Oh, the stories I could tell! If I had a knut for every time I had to rescue one of those idiots out of a horrific situation they found themselves in I would be richer than the Blacks!”

He’d never seen his hair this undone in the 7 years they had been on the same campus. Maybe Lucas was just that good of a journalist or maybe it was the half-empty bottle of expensive whiskey that was the reason for his loose lips.

“I mean, Sebastian was bad enough, but once he found someone who would willingly dive with him to whatever dangerous expeditions he found interest in and I was outnumbered it was a bloody nightmare.”

For the first time in his life, he felt pity for the man. It was never really a secret why Sebastian didn’t serve half the detention he deserved nor why neither of them had ever been expelled when a trail of evidence led to the both of them red-handed and always at the scene of the crime. But he has to give it to Ominis … a lesser man would’ve cracked at their mischiefs.

“And Sebastian … everybody knows he would’ve willing let himself be target practice for all sorts of curses if she had asked.”

Lucas can’t even defend his childhood hero. Especially, of the things he had learned from his previous subjects. It would seem even the mightiest of men would always buckle in the face of their true love.

“I-I’m sure they’ve done the same for you,” Lucas winced.

“Oh, they better, with the flaming hoops I had to jump through to make sure we graduated alive,” Ominis waved him off indifferently. “They are my best friends. I would follow them to hell but I just wish they would stop going there for one damn semester.”

Lucas snickered, unfortunately unable to hold it in with just how stressed the memory of the mischiefs his favorite couple got up to has brought Ominis. He was sure the older man would choke him but he just sighed out a laugh until the two of them were laughing to each other.

“I guess they have always been the perfect person for each other.”

Ominis nodded, leaning his head on his fist. “Yeah …”

He threw Lucas a look.

“Do you think they won’t make me their children’s godfather if I begged?”

Lucas bit his lips. “My money is on the eldest getting named after you so …”

Ominis groaned.

Lucas refilled his glass.

[impala124]

Bad Buddy 12

My thoughts on Ep 1 | Ep 2 | Ep 3 | Ep 4 | Ep 5 | Ep 6 | Ep 7 | Ep 8 | Ep 9 | Ep 10 | Ep 11

Me, at the end of this episode:

Oh, we have a 4-year time skip!! Interesting.

Pat, where is the Nong Nao doll? I don't see it on your bed. I need answers right now.

I like the transition from Pat putting down his toothbrush to Pran picking up his own. Very clever.

Pran, quick question: WHERE ARE YOU? I see the view in the background, and that's one of Singapore's most iconic buildings, if I'm not wrong, which is definitely not in Thailand. So, boy, what's your ass doing in Singapore?

At least he's still wearing The Watch, so I have hope. Pran's a yearner through and through, so I expected nothing less from him.

We all agree that Max is hitting on Pran, right? Pran's not having any of it, though.

Poor Pat, he doesn't look too happy when Korn and Wai mention revisiting the old days.

Not the fucking elevator flashback 😭😭. Oh no, the curry Pran made for him after he confessed that he liked him. Man, this shit hurts!!

I, for one, am not at all surprised that Pat joined his father's business after graduation. I could've told you that on the day we first met him.

Sidenote, but why are these 22/23-year-olds lamenting about getting old?

Guys, Pa graduated from university and is making a movie!! My baby's all grown up now!! *wipes tears*

Ok, Wai and Korn each have girlfriends. How about instead of saving for individual dowries, you both just ditch the girls and marry each other? Just food for thought.

But why aren't they bringing up Pat's love life? Is it still a touchy topic? I mean, it's been 4 years, and we don't know what reason they gave their friends for the breakup, though, so we shall see.

What do you mean someone else moved into Pran's room? It should've been preserved as a heritage site. Contacting the people at UNESCO ASAP.

Ink and Pa are on my screen together. My boys might be miserable right now, but at least my girls are thriving.

A high school reunion, you say? If I'm not wrong, Pat, Pran, and Ink went to the same high school. Are they going to MEET at the reunion????!

Wow, Ink misses her high school classmates. Definitely can't relate to that sentiment, bestie.

Pat, sir, is that a smile on your face at the possibility of running into Pran at the reunion?

Not Pat looking solemnly at the memory wall.😭😭

THIS IS NOT A DRILL. Pran is here at the reunion!!!

Okay, so just looking longingly at each other is all I'm going to get for now.

"But some things can never change." Pat, bestie, change is the only constant in life. Fuck everything else and go get your man!!

Are you really playing a game at your reunion if the prize up for grabs isn't something like an accommodation voucher for a night at a mid-budget hotel??

Not the trip down memory lane😭. Y'all are in the same room; talk to each other and put yourselves (& me) out of this misery.

A live performance, you say? And PRAN IS SINGING. Now, don't tell me it's the song he wrote to soft launch his feelings to Pat in high school.

Yes, he is. Pat, are you listening? I know you're hearing it, but are you LISTENING to it?

EXCUSE ME! What was that sweet smile you guys just exchanged? I need an explanation!! NOW!!!

A group photo with them being pushed towards each other, which could be a metaphor for the string of fate always bringing them back together. Love to see it.

Pat, let me introduce you to something called a cab. It's really effective in taking your friend's drunk ass home, especially when your ex is giving you THE LOOK!!

Okay, Pat's on the phone with Pa (probably?) and is complaining about being hungry. You know what you should do, Pat? Go to your favorite noodle shop and wait for your ex to show up so that you can talk things through.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S PRAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DOOR AND ON THE PHONE??!!! My brain is malfunctioning right now.

"You said you'd sleep at your house." What in the hell is happening right now?

Crisis averted, the Nong Nao doll makes an appearance on the bed.

Okay, Pran, I see you wearing your 'happy hour' shirt while complaining to your boyfriend (?) about Singapore's air pollution.

One thing about them: they are going to use the fucking sponsored makeup remover on the other. It's quite endearing, actually.

BB Product placement stays superior till the end.

I need an explanation, stat!! Are you still mad I didn't pick you up at the airport? What is that boyfriend-ass statement, Pat?

Pran just referred to Pat as his boyfriend. "We've been together for too long."

WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY NEVER BROKE UP IN THE FIRST PLACE??!!! I need a minute to process this.

My reaction till now, everyone, is the fucking Kuleshov effect in action, with me thinking that both of them are sad because of their 4-year-long separation, when in reality, they are just boyfriends missing each other.

Aww, a memory wall in their home.

Finally, THE GUITAR PICK that Pat made for Pran all those years ago makes an appearance!

So, according to the photos on THE WALL, Pat actually visited Pran in Singapore.

I do hope we get a home tour at some point; I'm really interested in seeing how Pran's OCD self blended his life with Pat's messy ass.

Unknowingly, from two people who couldn't be friends, we became two people who were more than friends.

So, they lied to everyone by saying that they broke up and began Secret relationship 2.0

Not them holding their fucking pinkies together when they pass by in the hallway ASFDGHF—

Time and space are just a construct when it comes to me and my blorbos because remember what I said when they were dating in secrecy the first time? I told them that they should have at least one person they are both familiar with to be in the know about their relationship to maintain a successful secret relationship. And Pran IRREFUTABLY heard me because Wai, Korn, Pa, and Ink knew about them this time around. I bet Einstein didn't foresee this coming.

Aww, they even visited Uncle Tong and Junior after they graduated.

I love that the parents aren't still getting along, because in such cases where the rivalry dates back decades, it feels abnormal to not continue doing so. It's almost like sunk cost fallacy but make it about rivalry.

However, I do love the little detail of Ming having to back off during their car face-off because Ming was the one who stabbed Dissaya in the back, figuratively speaking, all those years ago.

Not Pran rubbing the shirt all over his body to ensure that his scent lasts for a while💀 My boy is an actual menace.

Pat, sir, what are you thinking sending thirst pics to your boyfriend AT WORK?

They even held their pinkies together in their high school reunion photo.

Oh, I'm a happy camper because all my ships are sailing smoothly. The irony of Wai and Korn running the bar (where they used to fight with each other on a regular basis) together is just 😂 😂

Wai and Korn are soft launching their relationship, and no one can tell me otherwise. See, Pat is also a KornWai truther.

Pa, sweetheart, Ink was pining for you since she was in high school. I don't think you need to worry about her straying.

Keep up with shoving your couple photos down everyone's throats, though, just because y'all are hella cute together.

Korn does look like a middle-aged Asian uncle when he is complaining about the rival faculties breaking tables. Oh, how the tables have turned.

Yes, Wai, it's your penance for all the mess you guys used to cause all those years ago.

"Guys, I don't mind if you want to fight, but you must get a lover out of the fight, just like me." STAHP IT

Pran went from ordering three wontons to four—that's how you know he's in a long-term relationship, accommodating your partner without any prodding from their side.

Pran's "I brought your dad a bottle of liquor" is a solid strategy. There is nothing Asian dads love more than receiving imported liquor, even if they don't drink. A sure way to win some brownie points.

Kissing in front of the trashcans!!!! Oh, how far they've come.

Ming once again being the most Asian dad to ever exist by just randomly flipping through the newspaper just to appear busy.

As much as I love to hate on his quintessential Asian dad quirks, he is the most relatable of bl dads for me. Is he perfect? No, but I don't think anyone can say that he doesn't love his son.

Ink is accepted by Pa's parents, which doesn't surprise me one bit because she's perfect. PERIOD.

The dinner scene at Pat's house is a callback to the dinner scene in the initial episodes, when the dad was telling Pat to not let the neighboring boy win at any cost. Oh, how the tables have turned! Now, Pat is trying to curry favor with his dad for the said neighboring boy.

MING TOOK A SIP. Told ya, Asian dads just can't resist imported liquor.

The question of Pran's guitar. Did Pat keep it with him this time around too??!!

Ming crossed the LINE to deliver the mail, and Dissaya saw it.

Awww, his mom put it on his bed, which goes in line with my theory about parallels between Dissaya accepting Pran playing the guitar and him loving Pat. So, I'll be taking this as silent acceptance from her regarding their relationship.

I think both of them are ready to bury the hatchet, TO AN EXTENT, for the sake of their kids happiness.

Going off on a tangent for a bit, but bear with me. Let me take a moment to thank @respectthepetty for training me into thinking of love whenever I see the color pink because, what was the paint color the fathers used to draw the boundary between their houses all those years ago? Yes, it was fucking pink. It means that the answer was love all along. They were MEANT to fall in love to bridge the rift between their families. Talk about 'born to be together,' which was the exact sentiment Pran wanted to convey through The Song in high school.

Now, Pat coming into Pran's room through the window is a clear callback to the time Pat did the same to return the watch after Pran saved Pa. However, then he did it to tell Pran to not act friendly towards him in front of others, and now it's to spend some time with him without hiding from anyone, even their parents.

"If not you, I won't allow anyone else to use it. Pran, when I catch you—

Not Pran, my resident menace, trying to wake up the green-eyed monster by mentioning that Wai may have used it before💀😂

Pran's dad providing the meta commentary with his "This show is just so good." comment.

Ah, forehead kisses, my beloved!!!

Man, the flashbacks to when they were kids overlapping with them right now are just the cutest.

Everyone gather around because I just had a very big-brained thought. Remember, in Ep 8, on the rooftop, Pat wanted to share their relationship with the entire world while Pran asked what's wrong with just wanting to keep it for themselves. What if, whatever happened with their relationship after that, was just exploring both their paths? They clearly tried Pat's way first because Pran cared about him, despite his worry, and it resulted in the Ep 11 ending. After that, they took Pran's way and we all saw how it panned out for them. It might've taken them four years, but their parents are kinda onboard with their relationship.

Now that we're on this subject, let me try to provide some context to Wai pulling down the curtain on their relationship. Not defending his actions, but me thinks it was very intentional that Wai heard Pran say that although he's worried about others finding out about their (Pat & Pran's) relationship, he's willing to take the risk because he cares about Pat more. Wai's vindictive ass heard that and went through his montage of Pran lying to me about his relationship with Pat moments in his head and decided to put Pran's words about caring about Pat more to the test.

We get a post-credit scene? Truly the gift that keeps on giving.

Of course it had to be on a rooftop! Wait a second. Pat's birthday is on 23rd April, and the first time Pat slept over in Pran's room is on 24th April. The psychological implications of it all (for me) can't be overstated!!

Pran, my menace-in-residence, was really showing his horny ass by saying, 'The winner can do anything to the loser.' Never change, bestie!!

Well, I got the house tour I asked for earlier. Fucking Architectural Digest could never.

They shut the door in my face, and I said thank you!!

Honestly, I don't think I've even processed the finale yet. It was very pleasing to my lizard brain, that's for sure. I need to sit with it for a few days, and I'll probably write something about my whole experience liveblogging this BB watch and my thoughts on some of the CHOICES made in the whole series. A sneak peek of few things that are marinating in my head are—

Pat associating Pran with home because he feels lost (I was only half-joking when I compared him to a lost puppy following Pran around).

The air of sadness around Pat that just goes unacknowledged for the most part.

Pran associating Pat with freedom because he feels burdened.

Pran feeling undeserving of Pat's love.

Like I said, I'll be thinking about them a WHOLE LOT.

Quick question: Were there any talks of a season 2? Because there are some easter eggs peppered throughout the series that deserve further exploration, and they definitely have issues they need to address and work through as a couple. This ending will only count as an HFN (happy for now) in my book. I'm putting this ending on par with the To My Star ending, and I adored To My Star 2, so there's that. Still waiting for To My Star 3, though that's a discussion for another day.

One thing I can say for sure is that I'm extremely grateful for the fandom that has welcomed me with open arms and engaged with all my ramblings each episode, because let's be honest, it was just a stream of consciousness.

I wouldn't have had nearly as much fun watching the series without you guys. I'll be camping out on the rooftop for so long that I'll be claiming squatters rights for sure!!!

Tagging the usual suspects: @shortpplfedup, @incandescentflower, @starryalpacasstuff, @7nessasaryevils, @greenteadumplings, @grapejuicegay, @madworld-bbs, @usodeshou, @tao-moonb, @fanatic-freakshow @desi-yearning.

[takenbypeter]

A Letter From the Heart

Ben Poindexter x reader

Words: 911

You hadn’t meant to find that letter. You didn’t even know it existed. It was honestly all by chance that you found that neatly folded piece of paper. 

You were hanging out with Dex that afternoon, (just as you’ve done so many times before), and in knowing you’d be arriving soon he decided to clean himself up with a shower after an…intense work day, so that’s where he was when you had entered his apartment. 

“Dex, I’m here!” You shouted, stepping near to the bathroom, while he shouted back a, “hello,” back followed by a, “be out soon!”

You gave a single nod to yourself before setting your bag down in the spot Dex had designated for you. 

You had been left alone in Dex’s place many times before, he trusted you. In the whole fourteen months that you’ve been together, he had no reason to doubt you. 

The only difference compared to the other times was that right now your phone was boring you. There was nothing to do and you were bored of the few games that you had on your phone so you just glanced around a little. 

With your hands held together behind your back as if you were at a museum you walked around briefly looking at the pictures he had of the two of you along the walls. 

While you strolled down memory lane you came to a stop, as a frame that hung across the room caught your eye. 

You tilt your head to one side then the other before coming to a conclusion. The frame was crooked, (which was very unlike Dex).

Swiftly making your way to the picture you notice something white sticking out from behind the frame. 

Shifting the frame some more you realize it’s a letter. Of course you then lift the frame off and once you do you realize your name is actually on the letter.

Taking the piece of tape off from the frame you take the letter and set the picture down before opening the paper. 

You didn’t know what to expect from this letter. 

Why did it have your name? Why was it hidden away? Why was there even a letter like this?

Your questions slowly became answered as you began to read the letter. 

On the first line was your name plus the date, (which was listed a short time after you two started dating.)

Hi. 

My new therapist says it’s important to write any strong feelings down so that’s what I’m doing now.

Okay, here we go. 

I have strong—intense feelings for you and I’ve never had them before, not like this.

I constantly have you on my mind and I don’t know what to do about it. 

When I’m not with you I feel dull and empty. 

I don’t like it; feeling angry and scared all the time, it’s exhausting. 

When I’m with you though I feel light.

I feel like I’m who I’m supposed to be. 

I hated who I was before you and I’m scared of reverting back to that person. 

I’m scared that one day, I’ll wake up and you’ll be gone. 

Scared of what I’ll become if that happens. 

I know I’m too much. 

Too intense. 

Too rigid. 

I just hope you can see past that and one day love me for me. 

I will always love you for you even if I end up scaring you off. 

Hopefully one day I’ll be strong enough to tell you this to your face.

Love, Benjamin Poindexter

You stared at the letter, eyes reading it again, almost as if the first time wasn’t enough. You’re so enthralled by his words you almost didn’t notice Dex stepping into the room. Almost. 

When Dex came into the room he immediately spotted your hands. From seeing your name sprawled across the outside material he knew exactly what was on that piece of paper. 

What he didn’t know was what you thought about it. Even with all the time you’ve been together he still found himself wondering, were his emotions too much? Did you find the letter weird? Had his words scared you off? He knew it was a bad idea to listen to that quack of a therapist. 

“You wrote this?” You asked, despite already knowing that he did.

Dex could feel his mouth dry as your eyes seemed to bore into him, waiting for him to say something—anything. Thankfully, he didn’t have to think long though. 

“Dex, this is really sweet.”

Your words seem to hit Dex, “…sweet? You don’t think it’s…extreme?” He lets out a single yet embarrassed laugh at that word. “I mean I wrote this after three weeks of being together, doesn’t that ring sort of weird?”

He knew the answer was yes, it had to be yes.

But all you did was shake your head at his questions…before nodding it, “I guess it may seem a little rushed but I think it’s nice.” You glance back down to the letter, a smile unconsciously being drawn to your lips, “Or maybe I’m just weird and I think it’s sweet because I’ve never gotten a letter like this before.”

The same smile that you wore appeared on Dex’s face as he watched in fondness. One, because he could easily see how much this meant to you, and two, because he’d gladly write you a hundred letters if he knew how happy that’d make you. 

But for now just one was enough. 

[t1red-twilight]

go ahead and cry

summary: reader and spencer bond over daddy issues.

content/warnings: gn!reader, angst, hurt/comfort, slight fluff, cursing, trauma, daddy issues on both ends (spence and reader), no use of y/n, mention of self harm, ptsd, dissociation, lmk if i missed anything

notes: i have daddy issues (rip), and i wrote this as a way to cope with that (rip). so, this could be seen as being trauma dumping (do not read if you’re not comfortable with that). i wanted to acknowledge this in a separate section other than just the warnings. otherwise, this fic is very personal to me. i hope you enjoy it! ily!<3

word count: 2k

masterlist s. r. masterlist

you were driving spencer home from work. the air between the two of you felt tense; it had been this way since the second half of the work day at the office.

he couldn’t remember when you had started acting differently, just that at some point after lunch you started acting more melancholic. you had gotten so good at hiding this aspect of yourself that nobody noticed, or at least nobody that knew you as well as spencer noticed.

the soft hum of the music from the radio filled the silence, but the sadness emanating from you wafted throughout the car. he didn’t know how to address the situation at first, so he just sat and puzzled his mind for any sort of way to talk to you.

you, however, noticed that spencer was stuck in his head. “hey, are you alright?” you glanced over to him quickly then back to the road. you clicked the signal down and changed lanes. the clicking could be heard over the radio.

“uh, yeah? are you okay?” he fiddled with his hands in his lap and looked over at you. the sounds of his rigid breaths thrummed in your ears. you squinted at the lines on the road.

you paused before responding to his question, “yeah! why wouldn’t i be?” your voice was filled with false happiness, and was followed by an even more awkward laugh. this did not go unnoticed by spencer.

you don’t know why you thought you could hide anything from him, but knowing this didn’t stop you from trying to.

“you just seem…off.” he hesitated before continuing. “you’ve felt off for a little while today, actually.”

you hesitated again. “it's not a huge deal, you don’t need to worry about it.” looking over at him, you moved your hand from the wheel to place it in his lap on top of his. you smiled over at him again. he knew it was fake.

the remainder of the car ride went without any speaking. the silence wasn’t uncomfortable, but the silence felt unwanted on your end at least. spencer’s voice was the only thing keeping you from floating away from the moment.

you were mindlessly driving for the rest of the way home. the world was fuzzy and hazy. muscle memory kicked in and you got home safely despite not being aware of your surroundings or that anything had even occurred.

you were supposed to be going to spencer’s for the night, but you had ended up at your own apartment. “oh shit. sorry, i can drive us back to your place. force of habit, i guess.” you tried to blink off the haze that was cocooning you.

spencer watched you rub your eyes with the tips of your fingers and his brow furrowed. “no, it’s fine, we can stay here tonight. i love your apartment.” he moved his head so that he was looking into your downtrodden stare. he grabbed your hand and squeezed it. the scent emanating off of him was the same clean, linen scent that you had grown to love and gain comfort from.

your hand squeezed his back before you opened your door and grabbed both of your things. you lightly jogged over to his side of the car to open his door, holding out your hand to guide him out of it. once out, you locked the car and you both walked up to the entrance to the lobby.

when you were both in front of the elevator, he turned to you and sighed. “are you sure you’re okay? i don’t want to push you or anything, but you don’t have to feel bad about talking to me. that’s what i’m here for, you know?” the door opened, you copied his sigh.

pushing the button for your floor, you adjusted your hold on your’s and spencer’s things. he kept his head turned looking at you. his big doe eyes were pleading. he just wanted to help you. you had done so much for him, he just wanted an opportunity to return the favor.

he inched his pinky on his right hand over to your left hand. he laced your two pinkies together. your breathing halted before you unlaced your fingers to wipe a solitary tear from your cheek. you took your hand and reunited it with spencer’s, this time you interlocking your hands completely. his pleading seemed to get even more desperate, if possible.

“i just-” you cut yourself off and inhaled deeply. you felt the thin lines of scar tissue underneath your clothes burn. you desperately wanted to itch at them. “my dad called me on my lunch break today.” you stared off into the distance and clicked your fingernails against each other.

it seemed as if both of you stopped breathing for a moment. spencer was about to say something, then the elevator dinged. the walk to your apartment door made room for the silence to temporarily return. the floor creaked as you both approached your apartment.

the click of the your front door shutting prompted spencer to pull you in to a emphatically tight hug. it was the type of hug that filled your soul with warmth and quenched your thirst for closeness. you attempted to choke back your sobs, but when he held you tighter you broke.

you didn’t hug him back from the start, but quickly you dropped the jacket and bags that you had been holding and held him back with an equally powerful squeeze. your emotions took hold and coursed through you wholly.

“go ahead. you can cry, i don’t mind.” you pressed your cheek against his chest and sobbed. the wetness of your tears dampened his shirt. he placed one hand on the back of your head and held it close to the side of his neck. it was a precise movement, but it was not forceful in any way.

“do you want to talk about it?”

“what he said isn’t important. it just made me feel shitty. I can’t think about him without remembering everything- without feeling everything that he did.” you picked at the folds of fabric on the back of spencer’s shirt. the way that he was rubbing circles into your back provided grounding so that you didn’ float away again like you did in the car.

he made his breathing more pronounced and you understood what he was communicating. it wasn’t overly dramatic or mocking at all. your breathing began to match his. he pulled away and looked at you. “do you want me to distract you?”

“if it’s okay, i think i want to talk it out a little bit.” he offered a soft smile, one that you did not have the energy to return. he removed one arm from you back to reach behind him and take off his shoes. you pulled away from him completely and took off your shoes and your sweater you were wearing over your button down.

he motioned towards the couch. you sat next to him on it, and he grabbed your legs and swung them over his lap. you scooted closer to him so that you could lean on him but still look at his face. to an onlooker, this position might have looked awkward and maybe even a little strained and strange. you and spencer often found yourselves sitting like this. it provided everything necessary: a closeness that wasn’t smothering but gave the comfort that you two loved.

he took his left arm rested it around your waist while his right hand sat on your knee. “i know that he’s just trying to be a dad, but he isn’t my dad. he never was; he lost that privilege. he always finds a way to make me feel bad about something, or say something fucked up.” you paused.

“i know you don’t want me to say that i’m sorry, but i am. i’m sorry that you aren’t able to have that relationship with him that i know you once craved.” he took a breath, thinking about what to say. “i do think, however, that it is fantastic that you’re dating me. one, because i love knowing you and knowing that you feel the same way; seeing as you’re beautiful, smart, and incredibly well spoken. two, because i have felt similar things in the past. i don’t know many people that come from broken families and have inoperable paternal relationships.” he tapped his nose on yours. when you looked at him, he gave you a small, wistful smile.

“how do you do it?” you asked him. he hummed in response. “how do you not let him control your life? i mean, how does he not affect you?” he rubbed your knee. you could practically see the wheels turning in his head.

“he does,” he said matter-of-factly. “well, i mean, the things that he did and said are instilled into who i am and have permanently impacted how i react and perceive things.” he took a deep breath, he was staring at the footrest at his feet. he looked back up at you. “i’m not perfect. some days are better than others. but, in the end we’re just children longing for the affection we were never given.”

the silence that surrounded you both as you thought of a way to respond was different than the one that held you both in the car. it was a silence that you were familiar with, it was saturated with the trust that you felt for him.

you laid your head down on his shoulder. the fabric of his button-down was stiff, but it was soft (once you had complained that spencer needed to invest in a better clothing softener. he abided).

spencer and his aura imbued your senses. he smelled and felt of comfort. you were acutely aware of how he gently and faintly rubbed his cheek against the top of your head.

“even though i can’t get back the childhood he took from me, i don’t ever stop wanting it.” your voice shook minutely. “i don’t have any faith that my father is a good person, or that he will ever change to become one. i don’t think i’ve ever looked at him and not seen the horrible ways he changed me. but i don’t ever stop wanting him to be better. he won’t be, and i know that to be a fact. but i know that he once had the potential to be something great, and i guess that gives me the faint underlying of hope that maybe, just maybe, he’ll do something to make up for what he did to me.”

spencer kissed the top of your head. you swore that you felt him crying but did nothing to question him on it. there was no need for him to respond that time; you just listened to his heartbeat. you payed attention to your breathing and tried to steady it.

after a few minutes, he said something. “i love you, and i’m sorry.” the simplicity filled the void in you, even though you knew that it was nonpermanent. you would eventually long for his comfort and repeat this dance again and again.

your voice was almost reduced to a whisper. “i’m sorry that sometimes i’m a mess-” he tried to cut you off but you spoke over him. “i’m sorry that i can’t ask for help when i need it- but i won’t stop needing you. i love you. please don’t leave me. i have no clue what i would do or who i would be if you weren’t with me.”

“i was trying to say that you aren’t a mess,” you could hear the watery smile in his tone, “you aren’t a mess. and i’m not going to leave. i could never do that to you. i am going to stay as long as you’ll have me stay. okay? as long as you’ll have me, i’ll be here. with you.”

and so, you sat like that. and for a moment, while spencer held you, you existed as one. the line blurred between you. you were two broken children finding solace in each other.

[invisibleicewands]

Bringing revolution to Port Talbot - by Michael Sheen

On a recent February morning, I woke up to find I was wrong. Not a particularly uncommon experience in itself, but unusual to discover that on this occasion I was being publicly accused of it by the Secretary of State for Business and Trade. “Michael Sheen has said that ‘the people of Port Talbot have been let down’,” Kemi Badenoch wrote in the Daily Mail. “But he is wrong.”

It was a big day. I spent all of last year directing a three-part drama series for the BBC called The Way, which was to air that night. It begins in my hometown of Port Talbot, where a strike at the local steelworks becomes the spark that ignites a violent descent into national chaos. Clearly, Ms Badenoch had been given a sneak peek of the series before forming quite a strong opinion on it. But no: reading her article, Ms Badenoch admits that she hadn’t watched it at all. Why let a total lack of information prevent a full-throated denouncement, eh? Presumably, she also assumes that we managed to write, film and edit the entire series after Tata Steel announced the imminent loss of some 2,500 jobs at the steelworks mere weeks ago.

While the winds of change have only been blowing in one direction for many years, the events in our story were dreamed up some years ago and act as a fictional catalyst for all that follows. Surely even Tory ministers understand there is no VIP fast lane for making a TV series. This isn’t a PPE contract, after all…

Nothing to see here

After that episode aired, it occurred to me that such shenanigans in the right-wing press could have been about a couple of things. Since the ITV drama about the Post Office scandal, Mr Bates vs The Post Office, caused public outrage, I imagine the government has a new fear of the impact a TV show can have. A pre-emptive strike against a series it perceives to be criticising its actions around the steel industry must have seemed a useful tactic. And, having seen Breathtaking – based on Rachel Clarke’s memoir of how the Covid crisis unfolded in the NHS, which aired on ITV the same night as The Way – I wonder if her piece was an attempt to distract attention away from more dangerous territory.

It gave Ms Badenoch a chance to trot out her line about how the people of Port Talbot should be grateful for all that the government is doing to save the steel industry, not moaning about the impact job losses will have on their community. But the people of Port Talbot have been let down, no matter what Ms Badenoch wants us to think. Not by any single entity, but by years of neglect. That she immediately assumed my comments referred to her and her government tells its own story. In the words of a much older drama than mine: the lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Then and Nye

“This crisis is a privateering racket with your friends lining their pockets!” No, not an accusation against Boris Johnson, but something I currently say to Winston Churchill every night. We opened a new play called Nye at the National Theatre this week. I play Aneurin (“Nye”) Bevan, who attacks the prime minister for turning a wartime crisis into a money-making scheme for him and his cronies. It’s one of many moments in the play that seem to speak to past and present at the same time.

The entanglement of “now” and “then” is heightened by the fact that I am wearing pyjamas. Nye is lying unconscious in his hospital bed at the end of his life, and we follow him through a dream of his past. He wanders from childhood memories of overcoming his stutter in Tredegar library to his meteoric rise through local politics, to becoming the youngest member of Clement Attlee’s pioneering postwar cabinet. And, of course, as minister for health, his tumultuous birthing of the NHS on 5 July 1948. It’s an extraordinary, surprising and moving experience telling this story on stage each night. That shared space between actors and audience, where all is felt but unseen, crackles with electricity.

Once more, with feeling

It seems that exploring the motives of politicians, the uses and abuses of political power, and the quest for justice that saw the creation of the NHS taps into deep wells of emotion. Like the pockets of gas that miners feared within the coal seam, their release brings risk and reward. At a recent show, we had three instances of people needing to be helped out of the theatre, the final one forcing us to pause the show moments from its end. Thankfully, it was nothing more serious than someone fainting. But emotions are running high.

I’m more than happy to invite Ms Badenoch to a performance. But I realise, of course, there’s no guarantee she would make it to the end.

[archivalofsins]

Hiya! I've been really enjoying your posts for the last year. I would spend my mornings or afternoons' reading over so much of what you've written, though I don't like stuff cause I was worried it would be too spammy. I love sm the different perspectives on Prisoners I've seen through your work, love how you look at Yuno's and Fuuta's crimes, your stuff with Kazui and how you've approached (my fav) Mahiru's crime. Also more general, dissociation gang, looking at the split of prisoners (oh no accident vs active killing) I'm baffled at how little notes you have on some of your posts when I've found them very insightful. Also love how you colour-code text, very neat and makes long posts easier to read! Before encountering your blog I just kind of looked at youtube comments for help understanding the prisoners' crimes, but your analyses are so much more concise and interesting.

apologies if this is weird, thank you sm for all you do!

Firstly, I’d like to say thank you! It makes me happier than anyone could ever know to be told in such detail how much you’ve enjoyed my work and for how long. I especially appreciate the detail you’ve gone into. I love hearing the points that people like about my work and it’s kind of a walk down memory lane to read in a way.

That's why I want to take this time to- I also wanted to highlight some of the other people that have added so much of their own time and personal flair to the Milgram community on Tumblr!

7-4-N

Not a creature, not a specimen, not a being. Do not refer to this existence at all but if you really must Tsumi or 74 can work well enough. Just know your social constructs won’t stick. This being doesn’t adhere to such things. After all happy or sad why decide. One of many fans of Yuno Kashiki. This blogger puts on full display the many social boxes society creates and tries fit the prisoners into. Sometimes even the ones the prisoners try to fit themselves into as well.

Characterization analysis and art mix together to create a truly unique experience-

Theory on what Amane's cult is based on

I wrote something on the post itself but this was really good! I enjoyed reading it a lot for personal reasons. It presents the religions in a very nuanced and unbiased way without sugarcoating anything. Ultimately a very nice collaborative effort that gives a lot to chew on.

Yuno is a "side/supporting character" post

Tsumi is also in charge of their very own Milgram- Tsumigram! Remember what Jackalope said,

"Don't go messing up my (or other people's) Milgrams!"

Tsumi sometimes translates analysis into other languages and has hosted some really fun fandom events. 74 has always tried to create an environment where everyone is able to feel comfortable and have fun together. In a way it’s no surprise Tsumigram is the way it is.

Its focus on communication and the connections between people showcases 74’s willingness to put forth the effort to understand others. Even when things aren't going smoothly. Even more so to the fear and vulnerability that can be created through knowing and being known by someone else. Along with the worry of what one knows about someone becoming obsolete due to that person changing and growing as all people do.

Tsumi understands the problems that can come about when communicating.

How one can try their best and still end up being scorned, ridiculed, misunderstood, or misinterpreted. Recognizing those sorts of things are just as much a part of life as anything else and can give one the freedom to try simply for the sake of trying. Not because it will led to a positive outcome. Sometimes we can't please everyone. People will butt heads.

That’s natural.

None of us can avoid doing things we can't take back, things others may never be able to forgive us for, or understand. Even so that doesn’t change what we as individuals are capable of. Tsumi showed that all it took for fun things to happen was taking that first step and asking if anyone would like to do something together.

Because if no one ever asks then no one can get an answer.

It’s difficult to put oneself out there in such a way to so many people. It could go wrong and when things go wrong as they so often are inclined to- One may feel like they should stop putting themselves out there all together.

That closing off is a good answer. Possibly the best answer one can see in that moment. I know I’ve felt that way. That I’ve backed down, secluded myself, and hid away my opinions while avoiding stressors. It's easy to say to others or even oneself get back on the horse and keep trying.

Yet the truth is time to on one's own is important and can be productive. It can give us the time we need to process the experiences we’ve had recently and collect our thoughts. Then when one is ready that person can come back far better than when they left. Even as true as that is, it’s still important to take caution and not worry about bringing the best of ourselves in everything we do.

Because this idea that we have to meet everyone at our very best can be isolating and tiresome. Sometimes even though it may be hard to believe just showing up is enough. Just a small greeting is enough. It's important to recognize that what we may do that we view as trivial could be everything to someone else.

Tsumi shows me through persistence and compassion that even the tiniest gestures can be cause for celebration.

That things don’t have be grand to matter. No one has to overheat to feel love or freeze to feel loneliness. That both those things make up warmth. That said warmth can be comforting and disgusting all at once. Through Tsumi's presence I’ve gotten to learn the value of multitudes again. Instead of just being interested in the same old thing.

Which I greatly appreciate and believe many others could too.

amugoffandoms

With a mug full of passion and the drive to see what they start through this fandom regular probably needs little introduction. Yet, for those who don’t know I’ll give it my best shot. Stating she’s the number one Yuno fan would be an understatement. I’d need a new title entirely to explain her earnest affection towards one of the most drastically overlooked and prone to oversimplification characters within this series.

Man, Mug and Tsumi both have it tough- Having a fave that’s critically underrated... That’s looked at as an easy open and shut case. Regardless, Mug through their art, writing, and ever-present enthusiasm manages to highlight the subtleties of Yuno’s characterization.

Love Bullet Yuno, Tear Drop redraw, Rookie Yuno

The use of childhood games/questions in Yuno's songs

Yuno looking unusually cold on her second trial cd cover

Mortuus ES, Ergo Ego Mortuus Sum, Fell and Found Out

Outside of taking an interest in all things Yuno- Mug draws, does analysis, and writes fanfiction.

Cyberpunk Dead Boy Fuuta

The Machiavellian concept and how it can apply to Milgram

Ace of Spades and how it foreshadows Hinako's fate

Sing Your Sins!, Press Rewind

They’re even the host of her very own milgram Mugram. Admittedly all of the kids there are troublemakers. A rather eccentric bunch but none of them seem to have done much particularly bad. A lot of what they do seems to be related to their work or how they make a living in general (if they can’t call it work). Though those could just be the characters I decided to focus on. I do find that pattern interesting though. Fan Milgrams are really good at homing in on specific societal issues.

Their writing has a good grasp of imagery. Usually setting up scenes in a way that makes it easier for readers to visualize. When it comes to her art their expression work has great emotional depth conveying feelings in a direct manner.

coffee-without-anesthetics

No painkillers and all energy!

Itha has been around in the community for what feels like before I was here, but I’m actually its senior by a year. Maybe I’ve been here too long… Let’s not dwell on that! I don’t remember a time when it wasn’t here or exactly when it showed up. Giving it this very ageless entity feel that is honestly goals.

Sometimes I just want to phase into existence and out too!

Still just because not many were there to witness its first light doesn’t mean this star burns any less! Its a regular within the fandom that needs very little introduction at this point. If it isn’t talking about Lies of P it can be found just actually blogging generally- Seeing anything come across my dash with that familiar Es icon is a breath of fresh air for me. (Though its icon has changed now.)

Now hold on you didn’t think that was all-

It does translations and art! Translating fanfics from English to Polish or French with the creator’s permission. Well, if you ever feel like translating any of my Milgram ones you’ve got my permission for that. Though… that would quite an undertaking considering how much I write, hm.  Ah- This isn’t about that right now… Sorry.

Its also into Arcane, House MD, The Magnus Archives, Mathematics- and Linguistics & Music. Here’s hoping Milgram and it remain a match made in heaven regardless of how hellish thing get~

DoctorBunny

Ahnnnn- What’s up doc? Now don’t let the name fool you this dude is a Haruka fan- and that diagnosis is lifelong. He’s also not a doctor yet! Curses you to more college- I’m joking, I’m joking! This is another milgram fandom regular who’s dabbled in a little bit of everything.

Art, analysis, translations, documentation- You name it he’s probably done it!

And done it well at that,

DoctorBunny is inquisitive, considerate, and welcoming to his peers in any fandom and anyone within this fandom as well. Always looking for a way to not only enjoy himself but make sure those around him are enjoying their selves too.

Milgram Earphone Translation

Milgram Hallucination Booklet Translation PT1

Milgram x Karatez Interrogation Questions

He’s been a mod on Milgram servers, done real time quick translations of the material, and just generally been a joy to get to know through this series. While he has his biases- He’s not afraid to interrogate them and look at things from different angles.

His thirst for knowledge has created space around him for the opinions of others while still holding consideration towards his own thoughts. He knows that sometimes leaving space for the idea that one’s interpretation may be wrong is not only a reasonable thing to do but the first step to figuring out what may be right. He is one of the people I discuss my posts with in advance. As well as discuss how I engage with media in general with.

Pretty daily at this point, actually. I hope my stubborn nature isn’t getting grating.

He once explained to me that because my wording can come off so adamant and certain in my convictions it can feel a bit overwhelming. Some may think that’s a bad thing but to me I thought it was a really great observation. It made me recognize that I do get incredibly caught up in my beliefs and am prone to speaking as though what I believe is the one obvious truth of the matter.

I can come off as really confident in my convictions because when I see something one way I can become blinded to the other ways it can be. Sometimes I do believe in my reading comprehension too much and that can be limiting. It can be off-putting. So, I’m glad I found a friend who can recognize and not get annoyed by that habit of mine when it comes to discussing media.

Especially since I can be a fast-paced talker and texter when super invested in something.

So, Bunny’s more relaxed and down to earth pace along with straightforward nature of being able to just simply go that isn’t what I meant I meant x. Is incredibly grounding. He brings that measured analysis and grounding personality into the fandom spaces he occupies through he’s leveled responses to media and willingness to meet his peers where they’re at. Rarely engaging with the points of others in bad faith but not letting himself be barreled over either. He's willing to hold space for others but will never compromise on what he believes fully is right.

On top of that he knows how to ask for help and when to be skeptical of what’s being presented and how something is being presented. Ultimately having internet and media literacy that far surpasses my own at times. This makes him an amazing person to have in any fandom and as a friend in general. Sometimes I get up in arms about something I’ve seen online because yes I can be reactionary and at those times I’ve gone off complaining about it and Bunny has more often than not managed to show me a new perspective I’ve never considered before.

It’s important to have people like that who can level you out and understand where you’re coming from especially in fandom a space that thrives off of eliciting a reaction at times.

His art style is dreamy having a lovely display of colors and lighting.

Haruka in pyjamas

When it comes to art he’s very versatile with a good understanding of lining, form, and style. Allowing for an astounding deal of variety between his pieces. His appreciation for drawing as a creative form is fully displayed in every piece he’s made. Though I think the best part is regardless of the drawing there always seems to be a bit of fun put into it!

Good-beans/ Good-beansdraws

Now this is a fandom regular that should need no introductions. She’s the guard of milgramblrgram and done it well at that! Not one person has died or gotten irrecoverably injured and that’s all due to her caring, compassionate, but fair guidance.

Balancing Mahiru’s bleeding heart with Kotoko’s drive for fairness.

She’s created an environment for a good majority of milgramblr to hone their talents and indulge their interests amongst peers with the same passion as themselves. It should be no surprise that this user inspires me every day to turn my words into action.

So, when I say it’s up to us to create a community worth being in those words don’t just sit there empty and I instead do things that highlight the talents and intricacies of the people who make this fandom the place it is for at times the better and the worst.

Because that’s what Milgram is about.

Taking the good, the bad, and ourselves all into consideration and looking for the best path forward together. It’s about realizing that in this life we won’t only see things we agree with, the things we think may not always be right, there are biases in us all that need unpacking and questioning.

Good-beans gives creatives in this fandom a space where they can explore these things within themselves through their many talents.

In everthing she does- She highlights what it means to form community out of fandom in every fandom that’s lucky to have her while still making space for herself and her own feelings about the works she enjoys. Being sure to share her views on the characters through her own headcanons and giving feedback on the writing and headcanons of others.

On top of that she creates a good deal of fanworks. Art and writing. Good-beans art reminds me a lot of graphic novels and western comics. Examples off the top of my head would be Stephen McCranie’s Space Boy, Eric Anthony Glover’s & Arielle Jovellanos’ Black Star, and W.I.T.C.H.

Mahiru Butcher's Vanity

Futa Indulgent Top 3 Redraw

If art isn’t your thing which in this age I seriously doubt it- But you know what they say a picture's worth a thousand words. I personally think that’s undercutting the value of words though. Well, that’s when it’s taken literally it’s more of a figurative statement implying that what a picture does all by itself would take a thousand words to describe in every detail if not more. So, if a pictures worth a thousand words then a hundred thousand words equate to one picture- Again if we’re taking it in the literal sense.

What I’m saying is if you’re looking for imagery then she’s got the words for that too. Sometimes all an artists needs is for a writer to create just the right words to show them something they never could imagine otherwise!

Lights, Camera, Sing Your Sins (A Milgram actor au where the audience gets to see the innerworkings of Milgram!)

So Morning Rise to Light Us (How do you spend your mornings. The time of day where it feels like no one else around. The prelude to everything else you'll do that- We hardly ever think about it but having a morning routine in Milgram must be hard, right? Some people can't handle one roommate let alone nine. This fic goes over the prisoners morning routines.)

himawari-candyy

Let’s keep this simple the way it always should’ve been.

Death, murder, direct, indirect, intentional or unintentional- The meaning of life after loss. Who gives a damn about any of that wax poetically elsewhere. Let’s call a spade a spade. No need to complicate matters.

Let’s all just take a breather and sit with the facts.

There’s a victim here, a life that could’ve been spared. Compared to that undeniable fact do the justifications of the living really matter? Do they matter enough to overshadow the life lost, what it was, what it could have been?

I mean those justifications can only be given because they’re still standing. All of them still have a life to live, something to go back, things to look forward to. In that sense the prisoners have been in the limelight far too long and many fans seem to agree-

Well, at least the number one Hinako fan does!

This girl knows in her heart that Hinako deserved better in every way! In the narrative, in life, and especially in screentime. So many prisoners have pleaded with the audience to think about their victims. *cough* *cough* Shidou trial one voice drama.

Eh-hem sorry that was weird.

Himawari-candy heard that plea and said ya know who deserves that sort of thought Hinako! Because- Damn it, looking at Shidou’s victims on an individual level is impossible even for him.

Q.02 What do you think of your victim?

Shidou: I don’t know who in particular you’re referring to.

Seriously people might just have to ask this man trial three what he thought of his patients to narrow things down. So, what the hell are fans supposed to do? Just make them up think of the families he hasn’t even bothered to mention other than offhandedly?

Every individual that has been notably displayed as a victim within the characters’ stories has fans and detractors just like the main cast. Taking a minute to put ourselves in the victims’ shoes can never hurt and can allow people to get a look at the whole situation. Let alone any member of this audience. We could all do with a little back to basic by asking ourselves what would we do in the victims' circumstances.

Because let's be honest more often than not we're putting ourselves in the position of the prisoners not the victims. Everyone wants to be the misunderstood one who stood up against an earthly injustice or evil but never the victim of someone who saw wrong where there was none. We all wanna be the tragic hero nobody wants to be just another person in the pile of bodies the tragic hero racks up though. No one wants to be the one killed for telling this tragic hero they may have strayed into evil or getting in their way.

People tend to want to be the one that lived. That's why it's so easy to agree with the prisoners sometimes. I mean who else is their to agree with. To the victor goes the spoils. Once the other party is dead the the one living can tell whatever story they want. The worse the victim could do if their grudge is heavy enough is haunt them. Most people that do these things are more afraid of being haunted than being caught for a reason.

So-

Take a walk down this alternative path covered with cute art and her bubbly disarming sociability. Unlike my more morbid and pragmatic speech her casualness makes this line of interrogation far more welcoming. She reblogs fan art others have made as well.

Her own art has a nostalgic look to it akin to a children’s book making the most unsettling things have a sparkle of familiarity and warmth.

Happy Valentines Day

A Heart like A Birds

Always a pleasure to see it making the rounds. Oh yeah, she’s a fan of Alien Stage too! I wonder who her favorites are?

Kyanako

Huh- what’s that sound? Mourning bells- Now, who on earth would… Eh- Ah, of course. Hey, now- Don’t fault the execution(s). Things ending (like lives) is what gives them meaning after all! Well-known for her inclination towards angst and as one of Amane Momose’s biggest fans/defenders.

Kyanako has a habit of exploring the good, the bad, and the angsty-

Order of Attack Banner

Order of Attack

Given her interests in Danganronpa, Your Turn to Die, as well as Long Live the Queen. She's definitely no stranger to dead ends. Hmm... Long Live the Queen, huh? I wonder if she could put some focus into Mu for a little bit to fling her in a Long Live the Queen au? Of course, Mu wouldn’t do the lumen route though.

When she’s not making the fandom a bit more lively with her presence Kyanako can be found enjoying her many ocs, appreciating and making music, and making some really cute clothes for her Milgram plushies.

She’s shown the prisoners hell and heaven alike.

The focus she puts into the interpersonal relationships between them before the collapse makes it all the more shocking when things finally come to their inevitable conclusion.

Conversations

Direct, prudent, and always welcoming she’s a joy to have in any fandom environment- But! Watch out just like Amane she gives as good as she gets.

6 MILLION VIEWS

Purge March Usurps MeMe

As one of the milgramblrgram prisoners she’s known for teaming up with others behind the scenes and sneak attacks galore- But; it’s all in good fun!

Huh, did any of you know about all the multitalented individuals in the fandom? Well, of course you did you’re all here as well! All of you are more here than I am. It must get daunting. It’s easy to get self-conscious when surrounded by talent on all ends.

Even easier to talk oneself out of trying but it’s important to remember that no one can provide your voice but you. It’s something wholly unique to yourself and at times that can be scary and sometimes you won’t always agree with or get along with others because of that uniqueness.

Hey, but it’s not scary- you know that right? It can’t be scary because it’s love! Putting our unique visions and feelings out there in the way that best represents and is most comfortable for us as individuals is the biggest form of self-love one can commit to. It’s something that everyone within this and any fandom chooses to do every day. Hitting those creative walls over and over feeling overlooked that’s an experience any artist is used to feeling be it with their original works or fanworks.

It's something every Milgram fan has become acquainted with due to the nature of the series itself. It incentivizes putting yourself out there in ways that one may have never done before otherwise. Kyanako has shown me in the way that she conducts herself what it means to be a fan of anything really. How being a fan isn’t about gatekeeping or knowing the one true reading it’s about allowing your passion for something to drive you and your interests to paths you may not have trodden otherwise.

Being a fan of something should invite a person to do things they’ve never done before. To look at something in new and interesting ways. It’s something that is more for the individual than the group at times. Kyanako reminds me that liking something quietly doesn’t diminish how much it’s liked. Through her plethora of interests outside of Milgram and her willingness to always look at something new.

I think taking a moment to remember that could be so comforting to a lot of people here just as it was for me.

Linabirb

It’s all systems go when this Amane and Mahiru fan arrives to the scene! This emperor of edits can do it all- Icons, stimboards, layouts for twitter and tumblr! If you can imagine it they can edit it- Just follow the rules alright?

Milgram EEO Collaboration Icons

Milgram Hallucination Icons

You do know what happens to rule breakers- Of course you do!

Their other main interests include Vocaloid, Project Sekai, Twisted Wonderland, and hoyoverse games! Whoa- hang on this little lady does chainsaw man edits too… I- I have something I need to think about.

Also the proud owner of a Milgram! Linagram-

Linagram in the style of the Second Anniversary Milgram Art

Maristelina

Ah, this guy- I don’t know much about them. Wait now; hold on! Just because I don’t know much doesn’t diminish any of her many contributions to this fandom. I’ve seen them in passing often and I really like the one post they did on Harrow with translations of the newspapers.

That definitely gave me a lot to chew on. Oh yeah and there was the second link which is my personal favorite of theirs.

She does art, translations, and a few theories here and there.

Milgram Portal Timeline Masterpost

Trial 1 Song of the Prisoners

One could say he was a little integral for the more than two alter Mikoto theory. Some may know their name from the posts they made on that back in the day.

But Gunsli- I thought you didn’t like that whole line of questioning, and I still don’t. Please don’t get it twisted. Then why- Hold on, hold on. I like information whether that information is contrary to what I know, believe I know, or personally feel is the case does not matter. I treat most information neutrally.

If there’s a way it can make sense I will fucking look for that way.

I’ll walk that bridge whether its with someone else or by myself I have walked that bridge.  Even though I can say I don’t see it. Some good points are made within a good deal of those posts, and they’ve undoubtedly contributed to this space.

Now I’m not singling Maristelina out by any means there are more people on this list that discuss this idea and present it through art. Like it is not personal I am just giving credit where credit is due. They provided a lot of information in regards to this that’s worthy of respect. Information I’m certain has contributed to many people’s enjoyment of this series and that character.

That’s something commendable. I will say I feel more depth could’ve been gone into in some of them and that it fell into a lot of the trappings that those conversations tend to.

Still for all their time spent doing what at times can be incredibly thankless work, his genuine love of the series, her immense persistence in displaying that love even when life starts being life. Maristelina without a doubt deserves many thanks from this fandom and me personally for always showing me something new and impressive.

Also like I said they make art as well- I really like the ways they use lighting it’s super comforting and can give off this fluffy feel at times that I’m partial to.

meowkusunoki

Some may know this user from its Milgram memes. Maybe even his enjoyment of the Evillious Chronicles which was the first thing to come to Star’s mind when she saw the name. Personally, since I am not in the tag often this is the first time I’ve been acquainted with a good few of the people on this list works.

I tend to stick to my little section, my little things, and not branch out too much.

So, I mostly know them as the creator of Dollgram,

First Trial Commencement Notice

An ocmilgram with some very good character amvs and art.

Right now, I would have to say my favorite character is Tadashi just because of how blatantly suspicious she is. She seems to be the sort of person who’s straight forward about their shortcomings despite trying to remain vague.

Very blunt which I like. The character dialogue is organic but feels like it could be flushed out more. The conversations are really engaging and the characterization shines through well. It gives off a feeling of idle chitchat well. I’d recommend checking it out. I had a lot of fun reading it.

Milk-ly

It’s your turn to- Create! If you’re reading all my ramblings, then I got no doubt you may enjoy hers as well! Always happy to start or contribute to a train of thought- if you’re looking to hammer out an idea this girl is the sort to start hitting out the dents with you!

Sweet and to the point she focuses on evening out the foundation of any idea. Fandom is a space where its quite easy to fall into a pattern of dismissing the opinions of others or getting defensive when someone else’s thoughts contradict your own beliefs.

Hell, not even in just in fandom in life it can be very difficult to allow new perspectives in.

Kotoko and Futa's connection to witch trials and werewolf trials

What one believes to be common can be completely foreign to another. Because at the end of the day we’re all living lives that will for better or worse be independent of anyone other than ourselves. So, it’s nice to have someone who’s willing to take a moment to make space for your ideas and discuss them.

For me that’s one of my favorite things even when people disagree with what I believe. Such as the Kazui situation. At the time it felt like a dogpile but I was really excited to hear everyone’s thoughts on it. The timing was simply not the most ideal with life stuff going on. It really gave me a lot to think about when it came to the depictions of instruments in art.

Plus, I got to have a lot of fun looking up instruments and trying to disprove myself in a way. But in hindsight I was pretty whiny heh-heh though I was happy to talk to the person about it and enjoyed her genuineness. That experience reminded me that well people aren’t our worst assumptions and viewing things differently from each other is and should be enriching not degrading or disparaging.

Milk-ly is someone I’ve enjoyed seeing in the fandom because she’s a relaxing presence and tries to give everyone a fair shake. I respect that a lot. Especially when I recognize my own immatureness at times when it comes to presenting myself and my own views.

I can’t help but be impressed by her.  

Regardless of how turbulent online spaces can be she’s been a chill presence all while providing sweet art and good laughs!

Mikoto art and memes

Any fandom is lucky to have someone like her in it. She’s into Your Turn to Die as well maybe one day I’ll go back and do that rhythm game.

Monopoisonous

Poison can be sweet in small doses. Don’t worry, don’t worry- Things haven’t reached the point of lethality yet. Known for their expert use of colors and grasp of anatomy- It’s a bit scary when this resident Mikoto fan goes all out, right?

Yuno art

Mikoto art

It’s an overwhelmingly unique style that blends realism and animation influences together in all the right ways. Hopefully they don’t end up overdosing on Mikoto content before making more~

I wanted to say more so I came back and said more! It's rather clear that Monopoisonous has a solid sense of artistry. It can be easy to take the art at face value simply because of how good it is. To me it comes off as perfectly balanced at times. The structure leans more into realism with a good understanding of the human form.

The anatomy, use of colors, and shading immediately make the art stand out their's to me whenever I see it. They're also a Kagepro and Project Sekai fan. I really liked their Mikoto Additional Memory art. I wish I could say more but I truly am at a loss for words.

Mulling-over-milgram

Casually punctual this Milgram focused blogger analyzes, draws and has even created their very own Milgram- Chromogram!

Squares

Where it’s up to the reader to discern what the prisoners have done through a series of websites. A beautiful combination of graphic design, storytelling, and the old fashion website formats come together masterfully in this new prison.

Except there’s a twist in order to move forward here one party must be found guilty. Whomever the majority of guards find innocent will be innocent and the person who fails to meet the majority’s expectations will be guilty by default.

It’s a bit of a strange balancing act where one party needs to look bad for the other to appear good.

I don’t know how well it will turn out though. Some people have more of an advantage than others going off of the first pair on trial. It’d be very easy for some to view one party as helpless to their circumstances and the other as an instigator or complicit.

I’d be surprised if the verdict there is even close. Though maybe others would disagree. Take a look at it for yourselves and come to your own conclusion. Regardless of the conclusion one ends up drawing it’s a hell of an experience all the same.

Their art style is very reminiscent to some old school visual novels. Well, at least to me it’s giving off that sort of vibe. It really adds to the atmosphere of their Milgram. Oh yeah- In general they seem to have structured way of presenting their thoughts online that sometimes breaks into a more casual tone. They tend to elaborate in a grammatically correct way hence the casually punctual.

It was more about punctuation than timing ha…bad joke, huh?

Alright, alright I get it fandom is filled with a lot of talented visual artists and people who can hold a writing utensil better than I can. The amount of art people have access to at the swipe of a finger can feel daunting. One might just figure it’s easier to just find a singular artist to stick to and call it a day.

Ya, know like how some may enjoy the illusion of choice more than the actual ability to choose.

An abundance of artists in any area is a good problem to have. It can foster variety and ingenuity when engaged with in good conscience. It’s easy to take visual art for granted when we’re all exposed to it so often. Even those who create can fall into the trap of comparisons and end up discouraging themselves. But-

Art appreciation is a skill one must hone for themselves not only as a creator but as a viewer. It’s easy to look at a piece and stay ignorant of the process it took to get there.

It's easy to like something in passing but much more difficult to enjoy something wholeheartedly without pause and show that for all to see. The milgram fandom is lucky to have visual artists from around the globe who won’t hesitate to make their appreciation of the series known through their works.

But Gunsli it’s soooo much art it’s so many links- what a modern society problem to have back in Kazui’s day they didn’t have art. Why do you think colonizers stole so much of it? It was hard out there they had to find that shit in caves and call it history.

“I can’t, I can’t take it anymore.”

Aw come on don’t be that way. The best sort of person is the type who can tell someone every little reason they like something. What have none of you ever looked at a piece of art and gone more than wow nice. Instead said something like the use of colors is amazing, it gives off the feeling of a lazy afternoon, the anatomy gives off a loose unimpeded feeling, the rigid use of lines adds to the constricted atmosphere.

Come on go a little further why don’t you- Like our next artist!

Nomeniko

Now here’s a person that knows how appreciate art just as much as they make it!  

Not only do they create amazing works but he also reblogs a good deal of art from others. She’s art appreciation embodied- It’s pretty amazing to be someone who not only creates but can see the value and beauty in the creations around them. People tend to forget that before creating comes appreciating- Ah, there’s so many works I’ve appreciated in my short life and I’m looking to enjoy many more.

Amane's birthday conversation (2024)

Mikoto system art

When it comes to posting he's got a pretty lax cadence that matches the casualness of their blog well. As for their art this is another nostalgic homerun being a bit reminiscent of FLCL and OFF. The emphasis of their art comes through in the forms with stunning gestures that manages to display movement and feel in a way that can be striking or comforting depending on the overall tone of the piece.

All that to say it’s really good. Sorry, I look at a lot of art but my descriptors can be quite lame- Plus I can compare a lot. I hope that’s not offensive to anyone’s efforts.

Polarmary

This person is never Vi-ing for anyone’s attention. Straight forward and earnest when it comes to her interests, she can be found displaying her enjoyment of Milgram, Arcane, and Kotoko in particular. With occasional post about their day to day here as well. She’s got an style that’s well to put it bluntly they’ve got a range. With a good understanding of form and lighting their art can go from cold and stoic to warm and fluffy.

Deep Cover Kotoko

Girls night

My personal favorites are their animal drawings, the one of the hippo is very cute. Oh then there’s the one with the girls having a sleep over- Plus, the one where Kotoko just adopts a wolf cub. Personally, I think if she just did that she wouldn’t be here but that’s neither here or there. (Give Kotoko and Futa emotional support pets. It’s always correct.)

Fun fact my favorites from Arcane are Jinx and Ekko.

I find this fact fun mostly because I think the reputation I’ve garnered from being in the Milgram fandom is people assuming that I just hate girls and are harsh on them for no real reason. Sometimes all while assuming my gender. My friends find this understanding very funny given what I tend to let slide- and their impression is I am,

Too naïve.

Too forgiving.

Usually, I’m taking Milgram so seriously or being critical as some may see it because that’s how I engage with and enjoy engaging with media. Milgram just happens to invite that sort of scrutiny. I’m pleasantly surprised to see so many people in this fandom are also into Arcane.

Purgemarchlockdown

Are you locked in yet? Well; are you locked in yet?

I can't hear you- Because this is a prewritten text interaction, and I literally cannot hear you and you can’t hear me. Huh I wonder what it sounds like when each of you is reading this internally what type of voice is given to me- Well that’s not important the fact is your eyes are on it and that means you're still reading.

I bet some of you may be wondering what exactly are you trying to sell us on here Gunsli?

What are you trying to accomplish through propping up these other fans. That’s exactly the thing I’m trying to accomplish though. Propping up fans. The one's that have made this environment what it is outside of myself. The people that elevate other people’s perspectives to make something greater than the sum of its parts.

The Milgram staff tries its best to give attention to its fans regardless of where they’re from. Yet, the truth is there are still barriers between the staff in their global audience. Their efforts to include overseas fans with everything is commendable. However, I want people to know there are other things they can do to show appreciation not only towards the pieces of media they may enjoy but the people they enjoy those things with.

It doesn't have to be like this.

Anyone can show their appreciation of other fans in ways that are completely unique to them. There are so many examples. Hosting games, having holiday events, art trades… Those are all things fans have hosted to make this experience more fun for everyone here. Even just sending a few kind words like the ones I received can mean so much.

To quote a certain piece of media “Without love, it cannot be seen”.

There's no one that knows this better than Purgemarchlockdown. It understands the weight of words more than most here. It knows that words have power. That a promise is a promise and that’s it. Generally referred to by Nott it has shown me the importance of not only recognizing the weight of your own words but the weight of the words the people around me use as well.

That one can recognize intent and impact simultaneously.

Regardless of what you’re interested in there’s a mindset specific to you and you alone that only entered this world when you did. Thinking on one’s own, liking, disliking to the point of tunnel vision- Those conversations, disagreements, and thoughts only you can have. The limits in ourselves only we can see.

That’s the thing we all bring to the table in any situation.

So,being able to take a step back and recognize one’s own intent in comparison to the impact one may have had. It’s important. Because no one can ever guess how someone else will take them. Everyone wants to be having fun but they can never really tell the point where that fun has become at someone else’s expense.

It’s easy to tote around values one never has to follow through on.

Easy to type a few simple words about how one doesn’t have to forgive their abusers or be near them, intrusive thoughts don’t define a person, promote one’s self as a safe space for people of color and the marginalized. Claim solidarity when all one wants is the accolades from seeming progressive for appearing kind. But it’s important to be able to wade through the bullshit and see how the people that one shares a space with actually treat marginalized individuals, how they respond to people they claim they’re a safe space for whether those people disagree with them or not, where’s their line at do they care about everyone or only those who agree with them.

How solid is our compassion, how firm are these things we think should be the natural course of things. Do we stand on it when we say it’s harder to be kind than it is to be cruel or when things get hard do we commit to the easy way. Mercy, kindness, active listening and empathy isn’t easy- Sin isn’t easy.

The impact we all have on the people around us isn’t easy.

At a point I had to learn I needed to stop holding my intent in higher regard than my impact. I had to look at how I responded to things and extend mercy to myself for the ways I fall short my own expectations and think about how what I do impacts others. All while understanding that doesn’t mean the intent doesn’t matter anymore.

Yet, the one thing remains true.

If one spends all their life worrying about how they’ll be taken, if something is too much or too little, if they should check in on someone that’s having a hard time or not because of how appropriate they think it may be…

No one gets help from that. No one benefits from someone squashing their own concerns.

Bravery to me is the ability to say I see someone is having a hard time and though it may make life a little more difficult for me or my attempts may be spurned I want to check if they’re okay. At the expense of my ego, even if I may not get answer, I want them to know how I feel and how even if briefly they made my life better.

It takes a lot of courage to put the ball in someone else’s court.

Just let go of control of a situation and meet someone where they are and hope they meet you back. Now you may be thinking,

“Gunsli what does that have to do with fandom- or the Milgram fandom specifically.”

A lot. It has a lot to do with fandom in general and the Milgram fandom. Yamanaka wrote these characters with the intent of them being like any other person in life. They aren’t meant to be viewed so two dimensionally regardless of what disorders or other issues they may have.

Kotoko and fascism

Power dynamics in Milgram

Every character is a full person with multiple ranges of emotions as well as beliefs. If we can’t treat the fans we share a space with like other complete human beings how can we in honesty give the same courtesy to the stories we enjoy. It’s easy to say this is simply the case. Someone is just x and this other someone is just y.

It’s easy to focus on compare and contrast reasoning. Yet, it’s harder to look at someone that one may disagree with and still ask,

"How is this person like me, though?"

Can we look past our egos? Can we stop allowing a character’s mindset to boost us up and validate ourselves. To make us feel good and secure in our existence because they get it this shows that people get it- And see these things for what they are?

Yes, it’s a glorious feeling to see someone write out exactly how one may have felt or has been feeling in any medium- But admiration is the furthest thing from understanding.

Feeling good is nice. Yet, knowing how and why something makes us feel good gives us all knowledge on ourselves. Knowledge that allows us to take a step back and recognize when our biases may be getting manipulated. Not just with Milgram but with things like-

Slay the Princess, Digimon, Umineko, Revolutionary Girl Utena, Puella Magi Madoka Magica- All things Nott brings the exact same energy it brings to Milgram to.

Because when one is able to recognize their likes and dislikes anyone is able to enjoy everything to the fullest like it can.

Create Girl Amane

House of Leaves Shidou

Vincord

Huh- Ah, hello to you! I hope your year has been going splendidly. Hm, I’m probably about to say something no one will understand other than me. Bu-but her art kind of reminds me of playing with clay! Ah how do I explain it. See this is what I meant in the last one about my way of describing art being weird.

I don’t describe it in the technical sense, I describe it based off the weight or feeling it gives off. I’m pretty sure Star doesn’t even understand this one and she’s proofreading. It’s like when I look at art I kind of think of it in the sense of what it would be like to touch. It gives off the firmness but flexibility of molding clay.

That’s been sculpted into a fine shape but could bend or break under the slightest pressure. It has a firm fragility to it that I really like, it’s rather impressive! It’s difficult to make something rigid but cushiony all at once. On top of that her expression work is really good too.

Princess Mononoke Yuno and Kotoko

When she’s not drawing fanart she can be found posting about her interests and talking about her ocs. I wish I talked about my ocs more openly! Hopefully you keep it up and all your years to come are better than the last.

Waivyjellyfish

She hardly ever stings with an affable way of speaking she makes waves in any fandom. One of Es’ biggest fans! It’s Waivy- Her art is very squishy. I’d say the feel of it is very reminiscent of flan. Since it doesn’t give off a feel as hard as jello or as soft as pudding this is a nice middle ground comparison.

Harlequin (Arlekino) Es

Es art

Her lining tends to be fluid causing it to catch the eye more easily. Even sketches end up having a nice yet not overbearing weight to them. Giving off a solid but squishy to jiggly feel. Now where Waivy's abilities shine through the most is with character designs, displays of movement, and perspective.

She’s great at drawing things in a way where one is easily able to pick up the mannerisms and movements of the subject. Meaning despite being still it still manages to feel very animated and lively. Her expression work also gives a good deal of incite into the characters making them easy to read from a glance.

This shines through the most with her ocs the Dokuro Family. Outside of drawing Waivy also does 3D printing. I’m a bit curious about how that goes in general since I don’t know much about it myself. She’s a 3D printer by specialty with a bunch of other media interests.

Some that I hadn’t heard for a while such as Katekyo Hitman Reborn (one day I will finish what I start that day won’t be today sorry Tsuna), One Piece (sorry Luffy), and Zenless Zone Zero to name a few.

My friend is into Zenless Zone Zero and I had the pleasure of seeing that all their sponsored ads on tumblr had been flagged for breaking community guidelines because I don’t know tumblr is a functioning website, I guess. This has nothing to do with anything it was just weird as fuck like what did this ad do?

It was every one of them on my mobile for a bit. Like I’m not complaining it was kind of like going ad free. Still weird none the less. So, I mostly know that one due to that. We were actually talking about the four horsemen of the apocalypse because of it recently.

Waivy sometimes writes as well but it’s rare. She tends to be a pleasure in the fandom and open to requests. Just don’t expect anything immediately and follow the rules!

Lastly, I know that it’s difficult to put oneself out there when it comes to communicating likes. It can feel embarrassing and cause a good deal of unwarranted anxiety to express positivity. Especially when one is uncertain of how the other party may take it.

As someone who gets anxious about doing those sorts of things myself, I can empathize. That or maybe I’m just projecting.

I’ve realized lately that it’s very easy for some to be dragged into a sandpit of negativity. It’s so much easier to give into to being critical when something strikes a nerve than to find anything good within it. It’s an honest but short-sighted response to a stimulus but that’s what makes it so human.

Contrastingly, people tend to put a lot more thought into being kind or showing positivity. So much in fact that they may talk themselves out of doing anything at all or convince themselves they’re doing too much. Just thinking about it can feel embarrassing and spark self-doubt like should I really be saying this, is it too much etc.

So, I wanted to make it clear that this wasn’t weird at all to me, and I greatly appreciate you spending your time on writing up such nice words for me. I know that it took a lot of time for me to answer. My apologies for that. Ultimately I saw this as a good opportunity to pay it forward and to show some respect to the others that make this fandom more unique.

Even if I don't engage with others often.

I hope that wherever anyone is at right now that we're all having the best new years eve or day that we can. That we go into the new year having learned more and looking forward to the amazing things to come regardless of the struggles that may crop up along the way. There are so many things that online creations can't convey be it a piece of art, analysis or a post, I hope in 2025 people are able to recognize the existences behind the screen more than the things they make on it.

That we all start appreciating and respecting each other more regardless of how close we may or may not be.

Though I know certain people would find that hypocritical coming from me. I'm not a saint and I don't forgive everything or everyone. Though the one thing I carry in everything I do is respect for the agency of others. I do believe fully I don't have to like someone to respect that they're alive and disliking them doesn't make anyone a object of my disrespect.

That's always how I'm gonna see it.

Outside of that I hope to get to spend a lot more time with Star while talking about things I enjoy. I want to make it clear this ask really made my year in a lot of ways. I'm not trying to be holier than thou or force some air of false positivity. I really do think internet spaces can be a lot more fun when we manage our expectations of others within them and sit with our feelings for a bit before reacting.

At the same don't get used to like all this kindness- I'm going into 2025 like a mirror people are getting what they give with me. I'm not a saint I'm a petty, mean, individual who is doing their very best to choose kindness every day and when I fail to choose it I will fail to do so in an spectacularly human way.

Bottom line is I'm going to be obnoxious about Milgram next year. I am going to have as much fun with it as I possibly can as respectfully as I can. I am ready to see hell and bring hell right back. Because I'm enjoying all of this until the very end.

(Star here: Ever since Gunsli came up with this idea I've been interested in seeing how it pans out. This year has been rough but there have also been a lot of people trying to make things better than how they first came across it. Even if it's by only a bit.

Gunsli has put in so much effort and energy into milgram stuff, it's been impressive to see. She's been reaching out more and more and it's heartening to see at least some of her efforts responded to in kind. Excited is a good look for her :- 3

That being said, I'm the one hitting post, since Gunsli is going to be out for a good few hours. >:- 3c if you want to, you should surprise her with messages. Also, from me- I hope everyone's new year pans out better than this one!)

[mammalsofaction]

I would love to see a flip flop for the fake perryshmirtz wedding drabble. What the hell was HEINz thinking when Perry started going off about dating and calling him his fiancé :P

Oh nonnie, you really sent me down memory lane. That was the very FIRST Perryshmirtz fic I wrote, ever, and you gave me a fantastic excuse to reread.

The fic ask game list is here!

↻ FLIP FLOP: send me a scene from one of my fics and I’ll describe or write it from another character’s POV!

Here ya go, Nonnie! Happy New Year 🎊

A New Perspective

Rating: G

Relationship: Heinz Doofenshmirtz/Perry the Platypus

Add tags: Human Perry, mute Perry, Perry's got a lot of explaining to do, and he is very lucky Heinz loves him a lot

Perry does some pretty weird things sometimes.

Well, not weird. Unexplainable, maybe. Perry doesn't always feel the need to fill Heinz in on the who's and why's he does things that can get pretty out there, and sure. They've known each other for years, and some things Heinz figures out on his own. Heinz prides himself in being able to "speak" fluent Perry, so to speak, and he knows when to roll with things with only mild complaining, but.

He would sometimes like to be explained on some things. Especially when it clearly involves himself.

He's not my…boyfriend. Perry says. His hands are fluttering all over the place, like he's stuttering, like he's panicking, though Heinz finds little reason for being so frightened by a confused band of strange 10 year olds, even if they could get pretty mean sometimes, whatever. Not this particular band. Heinz had never met these kids.

The kids scrunch their faces up in confusion. Which feels validating.

He's my…..Perry winces, and Heinz settles an arm on the top of Perry's thigh, an instinctive move. A silent show of support. Perry inhales sharply.

He's my…fiance?

The children squeal and yell and cheer, positively overcome with excitement. They're asking a hundred rapid fire questions, and Perry answers what he can, but Heinz is too busy staring at him, feeling hot hot hot cold. A numbing shock overtakes his entire body, and he is staring, staring, staring.

No, he must've misunderstood. Had he misread?

Heinz figures he would've been able to remember proposing to the most important person in his life, he thinks. If this was a joke, he's not finding it very funny, but Perry doesn't look like he's laughing either.

Mother would have a fit. He thinks.

It is only in vividly imagining his mother exploding into a bomb of metal shards and glass bits like the bot from the Evil Tonight pageant from last year that shakes him back into reality, and Perry os holding onto his waist, and he is looking anywhere but into Heinz's own eyes.

They're still sitting on their little trap picnic date. Heinz is cuddled up between Perry legs, and there isn't really anywhere to go.

"So…," Heinz says, clearing his throat. "Fiance, huh?"

He doesn't know what he's expecting, maybe for Perry to laugh, to shoot him an unimpressed sort of look. Maybe for him to roll his eyes with a smile. But Perry does none of that.

Perry groans, sending a bolt of heat straight down Heinz's gut, but he faceplants right into his own cupped hands, his arms pulling Heinz close, and for some reason this felt very very funny, and he laughs. Because what else is there to do?

I can explain.

"Oh yeah, buddy, let's all hope you do."

[coffeegnomee]

I wanted to write about how far Zam has come with his character for like a week now and now he’s acknowledged it himself so I finally grabbed all the quotes.

Let’s go down memory lane shall we? 

DAY 1 

24:00 “There’s a ghost that haunts my dreams [...] I see him in my sleep. He tells me to kill people. But I don’t want to kill anyone”

“I have to hold it in.. [...] I wish I had like horror sound effects to play and images of every lifesteal member dead and I could flash them across the screen” does that. 

ZAM: “*lights armadillo on fire* “give it a slow, painful death” PENTAR: “for someone against the whole idea of killing, you seem to have a gruesome way around killing things.” ZAM “I’m still me” [armadillo dies.] “I can only resist the urges so much [evil giggle]”

10:07:00 after Pentar kills him “It’s not about being above anyone by not killing people, I would just prefer not to. Because last season I feel like I was.. Something else. And I don’t want to do that again. I don’t want to be that again. You know?”

“Because it’s not supposed to be some morality, ‘I’m better than you’ kind of thing, you know? I don’t want to be on some like high horse. It’s more of like, I just don’t wanna let the demon out, you know, that type of thing”

Reflecting on the first two days, I wrote this about Zam: This season looks like an internal battle of his personal desire to complete a minecraft challenge™ (no kills) vs his desire to do lore and change his character multiple times. And I just don’t think the challenge wins long term. A challenge isn’t what makes him love lifesteal, it’s the lore. 

Day 4 7/9/24

1:01:05 “‘zam has no enemies’ no, it’s not that I have no enemies, it’s just that if I kill people, I’m going to become like a monster. Like way worse than anyone else on the server. You know? And I like don’t want that reputation if I’m like just peacefully building. [...] ‘oh bro’s scared to hurt others then?’ yup! [...] ‘bad things will happen…. (meep)’ yea last time I hurt someone, last time i tried to hurt someone, bad things happened. And i just… can’t do that again, you know?”

1:21:40 killing bogged in trial chamber. “It feels nice cutting things down, I don’t think I’ve been doing enough of this. [...] I’m going to kill all of you, I’m going to kill every single one of you. [...] is it weird to say that I’ve missed this? Even though ‘this’ is just cutting down a bunch of skeletons, just jumping up and down and left clicking [...]  [evil giggles (and not to anything in chat)] [...] my sword might say “im so sorry’ but I’m not sorry, I’m not even a little sorry right now” 

2:19:05 “”also Zam is emo’ (chips) “no i’m not! I’m so happy! I’m the happiest i've been in a long time. That’s why I have my nipple out. That’s not true why did i say that” 

4:04:50 Wemmbu killed Spoke. ZAM: “[opens statistics] it still says zero. It still says zero. It still says zero it still says zero. So I’m fine. I’m fine. Cause it still says zero.. [walks around base] I’m fine. It’s perfectly fine. ‘0 plants potted’ (arch) okay actually that’s what I got the clay for so.. Thank you for saying that actually, very convenient timing. [goes to shed to smelt] [blows out breath] I’m just gonna chop down trees. I’m just gonna chop down trees and I’m just gonna leave this group and I’m gonna chop down trees and I’m gonna have a fun time and nothing bad’s gonna happen. And everything’s gonna be a-okay [hannah logged on] I thought Mapicc logged on I cannot lie. Okay maybe I’m scared. [Mapicc logs on] [gasp, crouches] motherfucker. Motherfucker [under breath]”

Dies to Mapicc three times. 

5:26:00 is thinking about how he’s doing a character nobody else on lifesteal has done before. Puts on a lore song. “‘If there’s one thing you’ve been consistent in the last two seasons, it’s been steady in your morals until the end’ (chips) yea. But here’s the thing though [giggle] does it matter? Or like, what’s it called. Am I restricting myself? Do you guys think? Most definitely, right. And it’s like. I dunno, a big part of me feels like it would be nice to like, let go, and just like, join in on all the violence, and everything, and all that stuff. You know? Like it would be nice. It would be nice, I think. Maybe. Maybe not, I don't know… [evil giggle] ahhh. [long pause, arch in chat said ‘once you do it you can’t go back though’ he doesn’t read it out] [lore music cuts out] [very seriously] no that’s stupid. No. I’m not gonna. I’m not gonna. [blows breath] I’m not gonna let myself go as far as I did last season. I’m not gonna let myself do anything like that again [tehe giggle] [huffs out breath]”

5:28:18 “‘it was fun tho’ (chips) it was, but it was fun at the expense of others. It was fun… but it was damaging to the server.. It was. I dunno. I don’t think it’s who I want to be. I don’t think I was born to be…That. you know? I don’t know. I feel like that’s not who I am. I feel like that was never who I was.” 

7/13/24 end fight day 

~2:38:00 ZAM: “‘its not ok to kill people but it's ok to ask people really nicely to kill people you don't like’ I’m allowed to persuade people’s opinions, I think, and I can only do that when I’m really really mad. [...] But i dunno. [sigh] I’ve messaged both opposing teams so i dunno, I don’t care enough though. Whatever. This is beyond me."

“Joker zam went back into his closet’ (meep) that’s true. I was possessed for a second there. [messages MC chat saying that] ‘my evil self wishes for me to kill everyone. I won’t tho.' 

7/14/24 day he kills planet

Hour and half of Pangi messing with him while he gets more and more frustrated at the shulker farm. 

1:28:50 Zam flies after Pangi and crits him out, but he stops. “I can’t crit him out like that, I’m gonna get my first player kill and it’s gonna ruin all my lore” 

1:40:00 pangi is still singing, Zam bows him, then tries fishing rodding him. He comes up the farm PANGI: “hey PrinceZam, do you need therapy?” ZAM: “shut up you always got some noise to make, shut up. [...] I bet you’re my first kill this season” PANGI: “BAHAHAA” ZAM: “just kidding I won’t kill anyone. Just kidding. Just kidding just kidding. That was a joke. That was a joke. I won’t kill anyone. [blows out breath]” PANGI: “okay PrinceZam.” 

1:47:00 ZAM: “what the fuck just happened to me. Dude, I need to stop. He keeps, he keeps trying to get me to get my first kill, bro. He’s trying to get me to get my first kill. I can’t. I can’t do it. I can’t do it. It’s getting harder and harder, with each and every day, to hold back [sigh] oooh kay. ‘Why aren’t you killing anybody’ because as soon as I kill one person, I go down a dark dark path. And you don’t want to see that dark dark path. ‘WE DO’ I don’t. K fine, maybe you do. I don’t. A great darkness lurks within me. A great darkness lurks within me. It’s consumed me, ever since, ever since I was young. ‘Your dark side is banging on the door, let the poor guy in’ no. noo. I’m gonna build a closet in my house. ‘PLEASE DO IT’ where could I even, oh I know where I could actually build a closet right now, let’s do that right now actually hold on. Unironically lets do that right now” 

6:24:44 zam goes to bacon in his base, “Whenever I sleep, he comes to me. So i try not to sleep in that bed anymore” BACON: “[baffled] how did that even start. Like how did you even, what, how did this even become a thing in your head” ZAM: “[ignoring] there’s a demon in my closet, any time, any time I die he comes closer to possessing me.” BACON: “okay what is the demon trying to get you to do.” ZAM: “kill everyone” BACON: “oooohhh. Oh I like that. Okay okay” ` 

Then there’s the fated Bacon stream 

2:39:00 bacon and planet meme around about the build battle rules and Zam snaps, “if you want to be a bitch about it you don’t have to fucking play, goddamm. Dumbass fucking planetlord and baconnwaffles. I hate both of you. Fuck you guys. I’m going back into the house… i’m going into my closet” 

They clean up spawn a bit, he comes back out swinging at them. Then goes on top of the lighthouse and starts shooting them from a distance. 

Planet takes off all his armor and pops like a grape.

Then on Spep’s stream he stalks Spep around to the End islands, generally just looks really threatening. Says he won’t remember this when he wakes up, but Spep will. 

7/15/24 

~14:00 ZAM: “[strained] dude, pangi I killed planet” PANGI: “[strained too]I know. Hey, it wasn’t your fault” ZAM: “i shouldn’t have even had a bow” 

He builds the tree and writes his first oath 

In the first draft he wrote “I cannot do anything that goes against the interest of the entire server”

he changed “entire server” to “majority of players” to “most players” 

And changed “attack any player” because chat went crazy about him not being able to punch anyone, to “kill any other players” 

7/18/24 

Flame and mapicc start fighting

22:40 ZAM: “dude I did give mapicc a heads up there, I can’t lie. [realizing] I’ve been playing all sides, I can’t lie. This is interesting. I’m just chummy with everyone, I dunno, i don't do it intentionally. I do it a little intentionally, i can’t lie, but not like, intentionally”

33:20 ZAM: “I really don’t like the idea of playing both sides, but like, like- I’m trying my hardest not to, [...] Like if you shove 100 dollars in my face like I’m probably gonna take it right? Like like [giggling], it’s just like, ugh, it’s so stupid [laughing] i don’t like this. I don't know, I’m opportunist I guess. I’m just an opportunist I guess because I'm pacifist and I don't wanna die." So. But like also I really just don’t like the idea of being someone who plays both sides, it’s so awkward” while watching the fight from a distance. "

7/20/24 

From 2:43:00 to 3:15:00 hops between group chats and instinctively gets information and relays it to everyone else. Actually just leaks every word he hears lol. 

4:51:10 “imagine flame goes on a killing spree just so he can pay you to make more builds lol’ (citrus) dude. Is the blood on my hands then? That’s something I was wondering, what if this becomes bad. To where they’re like murdering people just for the sake of like, whats it called, paying me. ‘Yes you're evil then’ (sin) aw shit. It’s my fault. I mean I guess it depends on how bad it gets. I felt really bad when they killed jepex for me. I can’t lie, in the moment I thought it was really funny but looking back, it’s literally the same as like. Like I think me asking them to kill someone is the same as me killing them myself, it lowkey does not matter. So I’m lowkey like having another moral dilemma right there, on that one. ”

“I’m gonna stop asking people to fucking kill people for me that’s stupid, i don’t want to do that anymore”

This is so interesting, because day 1 he just wanted the statistic, and it was okay for him to do traps or gaslight people and all that. Then it was no traps, no violence. Then it was it’s okay to influence the opinions of people who already want to kill the people I want dead. Now it’s like, even that is not okay.

7/21/24 building Flame’s volcano in one day

45:00 [unprompted] “do you know something I was thinking of, which like, i just feel like it would be so easy to turn like, any tree, at spawn, into a trap. It would be so easy right? [...] I’m not gonna do it! Just like a fun idea. [..] [starts making the trap] but then it would make it real. I shouldn’t do this actually. I- i shouldn’t do this. This isn’t a good idea. Nevermind. Nevermind. [rubs face] Ooh my god, back to building back to building. I’m building I’m just building. [puffs out breath] I’m just building. I’m building a castle. I’m not why would I - why would i even make a [giggles] why did I even do that in the first place.” 

2:43:00 breaking the bedrock of the end fountain to make a concrete duper “i feel really good at this. Like too good at this. It’s just holding down q, it’s not that special. But fuck. ‘It’s in your blood’ I don't want to be the guy that left behind, that broke all that bedrock, you know? I don’t want that to be my legacy, I don't want that to be my reputation. I don’t want that to be what I leave behind. Aw geeze. [breaks last bedrock] oh my god. [frustrated] That was effortless”

7:31:30 “‘it’s ok you can blame all your blunders on the demon’ (seri) [lore] what if there was no demon. [not lore] new headcanon. Just me trying to justify my acts. [soft giggle] waittt.. [pause] thank goodness the demon is real, so. the demon is real. Only i can see him” 

8:23:00 crashout over not being “able” to defend himself.  “‘its okay zam we saw how you are at the end of every single season’ (citrus) yea, you guys have. The deep darkness that’s within me, [giggle] ugh. ‘They’ll see… one day’ (mer) I don’t want them to see, no, that’s the thing, i don’t want them to see. [..] It’s just like, like I Could fight, it’s just such a hassle, to like, get into it, and then not, you know. Cause like, okay, okay, here here, let’s envision it, lets say I do want to fight people, right? theoretically, but, I don’t want to let out the evil evil darkness that’s within me, right? How the hell am I gonna do that when I’m constantly taking fights, constantly losing, constantly getting overly attached, overly invested in conflict, like how am i gonna, how am I gonna contain the demon within, if I, what’s it called, if I, if I’m constantly getting myself into fights? You know? ‘Getting good’ (chips) no but like I’m being dead serious, like cause, what’s it called, eventually they’re gonna hit me in a way that is gonna make me want to go full force, there’s no point in trying to fight if I’m not gonna go 100% all in, you know? So. I dunno. Maybe if I get better at my self control and discipline” 

So there’s two things. One, “it’s a hassle” is classic burnout. And you just have to wait for burnout to leave. And two, he is very self aware that someone will do something that will make him get invested. But he won’t flip that switch until that happens because there is no point. Which is very valid and wise. 

It’s such an interesting conversation, because it’s the first time he hasn’t made breaking his oath into a silly lore moment. It’s really settling into being a real part of him. He’s being honest about what fighting would actually do.

10:36:00 talks to jumper about his pacifism and their parallels. He tells her about how he knows he’ll get too invested and he wont want to hold back. As opposed to being unable. 

7/24/24 

53:10 Zam goes to the trial chambers again “dude wait these slimes have strength, are they gonna kill me? Dude I wanted to feel something but now I’m just not feeling anything actually. I was, I was, I was expecting more of a challenge”

7/25/24 day 1 peace trials

16:30 “do you think SB737 is going to kill me if he finds me? His layer’s off, I think he ran away from spawn after that one. I could see him trying though. I’ve lowkey, dude, lowkey i've been wishing someone would kill me, unfortunately I did starve to death, so now I don’t wish someone would kill me anymore. But like, it’s just been sooo peaceful, building these past few days you know? Like i haven’t ran into any kind of metal peril in soooo long like that’s crazy you know. It’s been a hot minute.”

First time he talks about wanting to be chased. 

37:00 annoyed about SB butting him in D teir for how easy he would be killed.  “‘zam is the most aggressive pacifist’ yea! Cause I mean how else am I supposed to let my anger out other than with my words. I still have emotions. They're still there” 

7/29/24 

1:07:24 still ignoring Bacon “If I’m gonna be a pacifist and not kill people, I should be able to hold a grudge somehow” “my only fighting method” 

Plotting the shift in zam’s mindset is like making a color spectrum and it’s just ever so slightly gradient-ed and before you know it it’s just all red.

8/17/24 

58:00  MANE: “but think about how many hearts I’ve given you before Zam”  ASH: “WAIT. ZAm is accepting hearts from people That Kill? That’s not very peaceful of you zam. That goes against your oath. You’re just accepting heart that has, that puts blood on your hands. I’m not even joking about this” ZAM: “I-, I don’t. I don’t think it does.” ASH: “You’re benefiting from the spoils of the death that you claim to be so against”  Zam jumps away from the conversation at the same time. nervously? 

ZAM: “[calmly] if kills have already happened what am I supposed to do to stop it. I only care about myself not killing people” [parkouring over to the roof of the house] ASH: “You literally” ZAM: “not other people. The server can do whatever the fuck it wants. I don’t care” PANGI” aaahhhhh” ASH: “That’s the most. That’s the most selfish view” 

ZAM: “I learned from you! The best side to play is all sides, right? That’s what you said [...] hypocrytical as fuck” ASH: “I mean, I’m not claiming to be any good person, I’m just saying your whole oath and code of honor is” ZAM: “I’m not either. I’m trying to be a good person but, hey” PANGI: “You’re doing a really bad job I can tell you that, Zam” ZAM: “yea. [swings around to look at pangi] coming from you is crazy” 

1:03:00 “‘you’ve only done build commissions for incredibly violent people huh’ (arch) that is something to consider huh, am I [sharp breath in] let me put on the lore music hold on. Am I. and I, I don’t think I’m the worst person to- okay. No. you know what? It doesn’t matter. Because there are worse people on this server. So I’m not that bad by comparison [...] You know I’m doing better than I did last season [...] So I’m okay. I’m happy with my choices I feel like. I dunno. I mean like gaining, gaining hearts is not the worst thing in the world, it’s kind of like the point of the server is it not? I dunno. Hmmm ‘i mean violent people are the ones who have the hearts’ (citrus) exactly! Yea, my only, the only people I CAN do business with is the violent people”

“But by taking hearts from them am I not encouraging them to kill more? Yea, that’s something to consider as well, you know? Cause, but it’s like. Ugggghhh let me read through the oath again. ‘Are they killing other violent people or innocents’ (arch) that’s true! I mean. They kill innocents when they feel like killing innocents it depends on the person i’m dealing with. [...]  I can’t control what other people do. It’s not selfish [heavy emphasis. Meaning ashsawg’s comment] it’s just like, me controlling what I can control. You can only control, you should only worry about what you can control, and what I can control is limiting myself.”

“I mean shit. What do I even want these hearts for” 

“‘you got one kill’ ‘you killed planet’ okay okay okay you killed planet okay. I hate how many people are talking about that. [..]  ‘YOU CANNOT DENY IT ZAM’ yes I fucking can! Yes I fucking can! Because I shot at him as a fucking like bit, because was obviously never to kill him, and he took off all his fucking armor. I’ve been over it! I have been over it like a million times it’s insane! I gave back the heart too like what. [opens statistics] Like it doesn’t even count. [closes statistics] It does not count. ‘You’re still killing’ [mocking] you're still killing. Okay actual like bot opinion. Bot take. Actual bot take is what this is. Insane. Like actually insane. The fact that people are still on this is craaaazy like actually crazy. ‘PANGI HASN’T’ oohhhh that’s what this is about. That’s what this is about. That’s what this is about, it’s about pangi, and and pangi being better than me okay.” 

“That’s what this is about. It means nothing to me. Means nothing to me. I don’t care. PANGI LITERALLY- okay. Okay. okay. Okay. okay. Okay. okay. Okay. [giggle laugh] pangi is a pacifist because he wants to be. But that’s like. Dude, woogie 1 for 1 took my thing. Dude, it’s crazy how many people are pacifist why did everyone like take my thing I mean like the whole point is proof of concept is prove that it’s possible, right, but like heh heh. It’s also lame that other people are taking my thing. [more deranged leaning giggles] ‘everybody wants to be princezam.’ (mer) oh my god. “

8/19/24 

~1:11:00 found Mapicc in his base. MAPICC: “and i just like, when are you gonna kill people” ZAM: “pppffff [mocking/flabberghasted] ‘when are you going to kill people?’ [reduced to laughter] MAPCIC: ”mmhmm” ZAM: “I’m not!” MAPICC: “see that's so weird.” [...] ZAM: “you start critting me out I don’t fight back” MAPICC: “actually?” ZAM: “no like genuinely, yea” MPAICC: “wait. Okay [pots up and takes all armor off but helmet and boots]” 

1:34:00 “a little terrifying i can’t lie. it’s weird. I feel like after an encounter like that I’d have a teammate to go talk to about this. But there really isn't anyone like that this time around”

8/22/24 

3:30 about the mapicc infestation “It was a very interesting fight. Honestly one of my favorite fights of the season” 

19:40 “ohh ‘kaboodle the pacifist’ (evi4) Wait kaboodle the pacifist? Are we fucking serious. Yo. okay. Okay.  i’m not even going to say nothing bro. I’m not even going to say nothing. I’m. I’m not even going to say nothing. I’m not even going to say nothing. I’m not. I’m not even [starting to laugh]  going to say nothing, bro [deep breath in and out] how come the one season. Like the one season, that i do it and it’s like interesting, everyone else decides to do it. In season 4 no one copied subz. Everyone made fun of him. But now, but now i do it and everyone wants to fucking be me okay. Okay. no okay. No okay. No like. Bro. [so sad] [...] ‘Everyone is just scared of the big pvp-ers’ (arch) that’s true. It’s not even. It’s not even like me. Oh my god. It’s not even because i’m cool. No it’s not even because of me, it’s just they don’t want to get killed”

27:00 kab asks if she can talk to zam and get advice “oh bet. Oh i love giving advice to my fellow pacifists. My favorite thing to do ever” /sarcastic

31:40 Woogie drops in “Zam is amazing at making people peaceful”

34:00 “if your goal is pacifism, then yea, he’s passing, but if your goal is to not get murdered by people then you probably shouldn’t be destroying other people’s builds, you know. That’s how you start wars” about pangi’s pacifism. 

Which is ALSO interesting. Because zam cares about not starting wars because he doesn't want to get emotionally pulled into a fight.

ZAM: “its like i’m in a skit. And like, as soon as i start questioning one character, and another character comes out and is like “ooh i’m also a remake of you!” what the fuck is happening” 

“You know what’s keeping me going is that i’ll probably outlast them” 

42:40 “is this a bad thing? Am i bad for not wanting them to be a, [laugh] to be peaceful like me? Is that a bad thing? I mean like, i feel like, uhg. But it’s like, they- [sharp breath in] what is- what have THEY gone through? To want this change” 

“Like kaboodle is doing it to save her skin. Woogie is doing it to save his skin, like. It’s very different i feel like. It’s just very different. I [whispers] oh  my god. [spins around] what did. What do they know! What do they know. Oh my god. Fuck damn. I think that’s why i’m upset. It’s not that like, [long pause] bruh.” 

“How can i rise about the rest. That's what i want to do now. That’s what I wanna do now. I want to rise above the rest. That’s what i’m thinking about right now, i’ll be honest. How do I [sharp breath in] [blows air out] like. This is-. [grumble] this is stupid. This is dumb. I shouldn't even think about this. You know what this is dumb."

48:00 “it’s not like a fun thing to do. Like. I- being a pacifist has been like, it’s it’s had its moments i guess. I dunno though. Definitely, i’ll admit it, not the most.. fun. But uh. Thats. that’s besides the point. That’s okay. That’s.. that’s fine [deep breath in and out]” 

“‘being a pacifist isn't for everyone, you have to truly believe in the rules and know your own limits so you can be pacifist’ (hexlarry) but like that’s the thing, do i even like, fully believe in it? Cause now i’m starting to question myself. I mean I did it not so that i could save my own skin. I did it so that i could, i dunno, just avoid repeating prior mistakes. And things like that. Sooo. because getting myself into fights would probably lead me down a very very dark path and i don't want to [sharp breath] i don't wanna do all that so by avoiding conflict at all costs I, I can, what’s it called, hmmm [spins around] fuck [princezam distress noises] [...] ‘has something changed’ i dunno. I’d hope not”

“‘it feels like they’re mocking you a little’ (evu) a little bit! I guess so. That’s kind of true as well honestly. I dunno. Hmmm, it’s very. Very interesting. Very interesting turn of events. I dunno. It’s not that i feel like it’s my thing. I feel like everyone should be allowed to do it, it just feels like the way that they’re doing it kind of is like, i guess it is, i dunno. It’s a little bit like.. Hmm yea ‘it’s an easy way out to them’ (arch) to them, to them it doesn't have any of the same significance it does to me. They're doing it because they want to live longer, they want to hold onto their hearts longer, i’m doing it because I like- i essentially need to- ugh. I dunno. I’m doing it- hrmmm. No, i’m doing it because… Because i want to. Because I want to. I want to. It’s my decision. I want to do it. I dunno [jumps around thinking for a while]” 

The last part is said in the same tone he used during the Abyss arc when his team wasn't logging on to help him.

“It’s not about what other people have done though. It’s about me upholding an oath i guess. Me.. avoiding [giggle] repeating mistakes and stuff. Umm. i dunno ‘it’s a conflict with myself’ (mer) exactly. It’s entirely. Entirely within me. And that was a situation that, admittedly, I had control over. I could have just not shot my bow at him. It’s a lesson learned i guess. But. I dunno. I- I just hate it. I hate it so much because that was not meant to happen at all. Like. it’s ridiculous. Its just ridiculous i feel like. I dunno. ‘Bro is still talking about this’ yea because I care about it.”

8/23/24

5:38:00  WEMMBU: “you’re profiting off the economy of people being murdered” ZAM: “I don’t know if that’s true at all even. That’s just. [trying to talk while wemmbu is talking over him] Anyone who lives on this server is profiting off the economy bro. I don't know what you’re talking about. [...] That that’s like breathing air on this server is benefitting form the economy bro” WEMMBU: “and you’re the one that’s saying you’re and innocent soul bruh” ZAM: “i’m, somewhat innocent. I’m innocent to the point where I won’t lure someone to spawn so you guys can kill them. That's how innocent I am” WEMMBU: “wah wahh wah” 

And he leaves the group

ZAM: “Get me the fuck out of here. I simply participate in society. All i do is live and breathe air and try to live an honest to god living.”

~5:51:00 “‘Oh so you agree you’d be responsible in that scenario’ (arch) yea! If he’s going out of his way to kill people For That [the build he wanted to commission], like to pay For That, I feel like yea, I feel like then I’m definitely responsible. [...] But mane, flame, mapicc, they already have the hearts, I know they withdrew them from their hotbar, they did in front of me, it did the sound. So, yea. And flame just had a heart bank that he went and grabbed. So. yea no, those hearts were already acquired. They were, like, those kills happened, it’s over. It’s good.” 

8/24/24

2:13:00 “that was interesting. What a day. I almost hopped into a fight. Probably wont do it again, that was a one time offer. But. i dunno. I was willing to die for a cause. I wasn’t going to hit him.” 

“Maybe i faltered. Did I falter? By willing to fight? I wouldn’t hit him. I don’t think. Maybe I’d hit him. I don’t- [scoff] would it be fine as long as i don't kill him?” “it’s my rules” 

“Yea mapicc did get really excited when i mentioned pvp. That was really interesting. That was cool. I do have no critting yea. Hmmm. i dunno. I did just want to support my friend flame ‘you're just helping out a friend i think thats in the servers best interests’ (arch) that’s true. Yea. if i, i dunno, cause like the main goal is to just work in the server’s best interests. And i guess in that situation that, specific, little situation, fighting flame was actually in everyone, everyone who’s online’s best interests. Ironically. So yea. Despite it normally being the wrong answer, violence was kind of the answer to fixing that problem there. ” 

2:18:00  “I’m worried though. Like I feel like the lack of violence encourages me to like, i dunno” 

“I think people should be more violent, i think that’s fair, that’s what this server is about. I haven't changed my stance on that, the server is about killing people. It’s not about [giggle] the atrocities I’ve committed, that’s for sure” 

“‘That’s not very pacifist I mean’ like that’s whatever, it’s princezam then. It doesn’t matter. Pacifist is just the moniker I chose, but if it’s not fitting it’s not fitting. I’m doing whatever I believe” 

“‘the blowing up builds and killing weaklings was your more problem. not your violence inherently’ (arch) exactly. And unfortunately I feel like with any sort of violence [tsht] unfortunately all paths lead to that road. You know? Everything will just eventually get me there. I think it’s better to swear it off, you know. It’s just, It’s just for the better”

Flame blows up spawn.

2:52:00 “And my heart count too. I was trying to get to 20 but like - what does that even do, what is that even good for, if i can't do anythin- if i’m powerless to stuff like this, if i’m powerless to this. This. Like what’s the point, even like what’s-... I feel like everything I’ve done is just like actually completely futile now. Like, none of it matters. NONE of it matters, not even a little, if other people are just going to take up the mantle. What like, what’s the POINT?... I don't get it. I mean holding out, not giving in, despite all of this, would prove me as a way stronger player than him, but WHAT GOOD DOES THAT ACCOMPLISH. SO WHAT?! Like, he’s just going to do this again, like why does it matter? Why does it even matter? What the- what does moral highground get me? What does moral high ground even get me. Why did i think this was even a good idea even a little bit, [so loud] OH MY GOD. [pause] ‘It doesn't even mean anything to anyone but me’ (arch) exactly. This. oh my god. It’s not just to myself though (arch) it’s ahhh Fuck. It’s supposed to make up for everything I did- For just everything I did in general really. That’s what it’s supposed to be, but, like ah, does anyone care really? Does anyone care? Other than me? At this point I don't think so. There’s bigger problems. ‘Spawn looked the best this season’ it did. It really did. It really really did. It really did. [tabs out for a long time, just silent] i can't’ believe this. I can’t believe this. [sigh] oh my god. [leaning head back] Dude. and like. Oh my god. Yea no one is going to do anything that’s true. The fact of the matter is [laughing as talking] no one is going to do anything about this. Because no one cares. And that’s what he’s going to realize. [...] That’s all fine to me, it doesn't matter. It doesn’t matter. This is definitely the furthest I’ve wavered, on this path of mine. Dear god. [blows out breath] and i was the only one here to do anything about it oh my god [silence] ‘they did call me ground zero’ [puts head in hands while reading it] is it my fault? Is it my- wait you’re right. [breathing heavily] it kind of in a, in a weird, fucked up twisted way, it kind of is my fault. Because my stupid pacifism stuff it it spiraled out of control and got to woogie, got to pangi, it’s it’s like [grrr grumble] (all of chat is screaming that it isn't his fault.) I, oh my god. Oh my god. Dude like. I actually feel so dumb. I feel like I’ve wasted the past month or two. I’ve actually just feel like I’ve been wasting my time. Like, like none of that matters. Actually none of that matters, I feel like, anymore. And like, because I did all that, everyone else copied me. Everyone copied me, they were right! No, they were right. That’s the messed up part of this, is that they’re Right. And that they probably will get a fight out of this, that’s the Fucked up part of this” 

3:04:00 “If I fight them I give them exactly what they want. It’s so fucked up. There’s no, there's no winning option here. There’s nothing I can do to win” 

Realizes he can just rebuild. Rejuvenated in one second flat. 

“Do I just keep rebuilding it over and over? [...]  But I don’t care! I’m not giving up. I don't care, I don't care!” “this is literally what I do. What am I tripping for? This is literally what I do”

3:35:30 “I feel like most people would not have the mental fortitude to experience what I just experienced and then Not Fight. Like that is an absurd thing to do. But it’s a me thing to do. So” 

3:37:00 “i know i don't have all of my screws together, but i definitely, i think i could win a battle of mental fortitude if I wanted”

Talks to everyone and forms Gaia’s Hand

5:46:00 wrapping up stream along “dude I know like, i’m real confident and real happy and shit, but I , I am terrified. I am terrified [stares into a big cave thinking] i dunno. I'm not gonna second guess myself but. It’s just- it’s a scary battle. It’s a very scary battle. I dunno”

“Mean, I’m not alone. That's true. That definitely helps [...] I feel like the last time I spent a lot of time repairing spawn it didn't end too well. Lowkey that’s when everything went horribly wrong, actually. i feel like it’s just been downhill since there.”

“I am doing this to spite flame, but at the same time the thing I care about the most is just having the server where spawn can't just get destroyed. I dunno. That’s what I care about the most”

5:53:40 “‘you and your attachments to spawn’ (seri) [wistful] it’s, it’s the heart of the server. It’s the heart of the server. And, i dunno, I can’t, i can’t help myself but protect it. In every way that I can. I dunno. It’s just in my nature. Which is ironic, considering the atrocities I’ve committed.” 

8/29/24

44:30 “support the people trying to ban them and the builds won’t get destroyed anymore’ (chips) that’s true. But do the ends justify the means? Like sure I will get spawn builds being safe, but I’m, I also am taking some part in someone getting banned off the server. which, i dunno. I feel like i don't want to be a part of” 

45:00 “Is it for the greater good, or it for my greater good. It has to be objective, it can’t be a skewed biased point of view” 

1:05:20 “i can only control myself, and only the small few who have joined me” “kaboodle and woogie” “Ironically they’re truly the only ones who are part of gaia’s hand”

Week long break for MMCR

9/9/24

11:40 ZAM: “I’ve kind of realigned my look on the server [...] Everyone’s goal goes back to, like, killing. So I feel like if I help anyone I’m like sort of contributing to the violence on the server, which is something I- which I can’t prevent obviously but it’s not also something I’d like to contribute to. The whole point is I don't want to contribute to violence and you know, kill people I guess. I dunno” 

How far princezam has come. It was never about actual pacifism… except now it is. He truly is a pacifist now. He used to be a bad pacifist and now he’s just a pacifist for real. How interesting. 

19:00 “That’s just the spite and hatred in my heart. I’m full of hatred recently, that’s something i’ve noticed as well. Definitely something i’ve noticed” 

44:00 “I feel like nothing accomplishes anything. I feel like anything I would do would just make things worse. I dunno. Maybe that’s just me though. Maybe that's just me and the way I feel. I dunno” 

“I just want to win. You know? But how do I go about that even? There’s nothing to win against."

~1:27:00 “An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind” “interesting phrase considering the circumstance I’m in. [...] yea i mean violence is good to those who love it. I’m just unfortunately not one of those people. At least at the moment. [pause] Well I wouldn't say at the moment actually. I would say I’m not one of those people. For sure. Used to be. Not anymore.” 

1:53:00  “when i think of goals, the first thing that comes to mind is like, laying in a field of flowers. That’s what I want to do. That’s what I want to do. I dunno”

9/11/24

~40:00 “it makes me question what my path is, cause i’m not, i’m not i’m not i’m not  i’m not a killer or anything at least i don't want to kill anyone, i don't want to be doing that. Soo where does that leave me?  What am I gonna do, what am I princezam gonna do.” 

[rlbbackup]

A year in review - 2024 (SxF)

So, after reading the lovely @unhappy-sometimes's 2024 retrospective (which I highly recommend you read!), I thought I'd do something similar!

This will be pretty long and have lots of links and tags but I hope you enjoy this little romp I took down memory lane about all the fics I wrote this past year!

All for Naught

This was a fic that was inspired by a conversation with @glacialdawn and I wrote it up completely in 12 hours. I’m not exaggerating! We were just goofing off in dms and we got on the topic of Yuri’s decision to become an SSS officer and how it relates to Yor’s raising him…and it evolved from there. 

All in all, I’m VERY proud of how this fic turned out. Having it be solely from Yor’s POV and forcing her to deal with an abrupt change in how she views her brother was a lot of fun. Of all the reveals that may or may not happen in SxF, I personally feel that the Briar Siblings reveal will be the most critical. Yeah there’s betrayal involved in the TwiYor one and Anya’s reveal will likely end in bloodshed, but Yor has hid what she needed to do to raise Yuri for over a decade and a half at least. And while she admits that her brother is intense, seeing him in his work environment would probably shatter something within her. The work of the SSS isn’t glorious. Neither is that of an assassin. 

All this to say that with this as the start of my fics in 2024, I’m not surprised how later fics turned out XD

Hypothetically…

While my Post-reveal, Pre-relationship series has been written almost entirely out of order, I really enjoyed the inspiration that led me to writing this one. When I saw this post by @itsmechini, the words almost poured out of me. Twilight and Yor have had a lot of things taken from them in life, things that ultimately made them who they are but they didn’t have a choice or say in the matter. Having the choice to reveal who they truly are to each other and accepting the other for who they are feels like a healing of that particular wound and I couldn’t help but put pen to paper. 

I was also inspired by the writing style of the lovely Puolain while writing this, leading me to use different scene change styles and I think it flows better because of it! 

I will also admit that I cried several times while writing this, especially at Yor’s answer to a hypothetical question asked. Beyond that, this was a really cathartic fic to write and I’m glad I got to share it with you guys!

Side by Side and Locked in Tight

THIS FIC.

It’s been bouncing around in my head for a long time now, since I love the song that inspired this (Cop Car by Sam Hunt - there is also a version by Keith Urban, but the Sam Hunt version feels softer so I’m going with that one XD). I had an early draft of this fic existing in my Google docs since… 2021 I think? Right after I fell down the Ken/Anya shipping cavern and haven’t wanted to climb back out.

But actually writing this fic was a STRUGGLE until talking prompts out with the people in the SxF Rare Pair server. While it was a NSFW prompt, handcuffs just broke through the fog I’d had regarding this plot idea and BOOM I was finally able to post it. 

While Ken has some of the shortest character involvement in SxF, I love this kid. I get he’s practically an OC at this point, but I’m okay with that and I love playing around with how he’d interact with the Cecil Hall Gang. I want them all to be friends. Anya should have more friends!

Anyway! I go back and read this fic from time to time and I’m still happy with it. Especially the twist at the end XD

Don’t forget to lock the door

Another fic created with the help of the Rare Pair Server! (love you guys!)

One thing that makes me laugh constantly in SxF is the fact that the Forger’s apartment has a deadbolt but it looks like the Forgers never use it XD. Imagine all those times people barged into the apartment stopped by a simple use of a sliding lock 🤣So, why not make it a plot point of a fic!

I blame @creativwit for this ultimately. Though it was a pleasure to write Twilight and Franky needling each other and Yor soothing both of them. On a second/third/however many times I’ve read this thing, I still love how they are soft with each other in their own ways.

Little Black Number

A fic inspired by my own art!

Sometime in 2023, I was talking to some friends on discord when I was reminded of Princess Diana’s “Revenge Dress” that she wore after then Prince Charles’ “Tell All” interview where he sort of hinted at being unfaithful to her during their marriage. This spiraled into “I’m pretty sure Yor would look fantastic in the Revenge dress” and going from there.

Now, based on anecdotal evidence, it’s believed by myself and others that SxF takes place mostly in an alternate version of the 1960s. Endo-Sensei does mix things about the world regarding technology in his story, but the fashion is straight out of 1960s fashion magazines. So, the revenge dress is way out of the possibilities. Still. I think the dress would look good on Yor and drew it!

The dress I describe in the story is notably different (namely that the skirt is ankle/floor length versus the above knee design of the inspiration). 

To the story itself, I really want Yor to have friends and while I’m still wary of Melinda I think the two of them could be close! So I wrote about them having girl time together, bonding even when they are in two different social groups and where they can compromise on things. It was a quick and fun write! I really loved this one!

A moment of weakness

This fic was inspired by @/usleepover's art on Twitter!

Like most of the other fics mentioned here, this was inspired by chats on Discord. I have USleepover and @astersugar for this. Long before ch. 109, we were wondering what would lead these two to interact, and guessed that it would probably involve Dr. Forger’s office. Now…that conversation spiraled into something wildly different from what I did in this fic, but it did inspire me.

As a little more background, I have had a fic in the background for a year and a half now where Yor experiences a medical emergency and how the Forgers’ lives change as a result. I have no idea when or if I will ever post that fic since it’s…heavy. Emotionally and mentally heavy. But I was able to write this in relation to it. While I’m not specific in what ails Yor, I did leave enough for one to guess. Like it’s larger, heavier sister, this fic took an emotional toll on me. Having someone you love in the hospital and not being able to do a damn thing to help them is…difficult. I can’t put into words exactly how difficult that is. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, that’s how bad it is. So writing Loid and Melinda come to terms that they are out of their depths and still want to do something for Yor was cathartic in a way. I’m really happy with how this one came out and still reread it on occasion.

Rendezvous

I half blame @sister-cna-reader for this 🤣Her Hidden Under Roses’ Au with McMahon and Sylvia has me in a CHOKE HOLD and I was sunk for this ship from the start. So I decided to write about it. The other person I “blame” for this is @/Ari_Gateau on AO3 for encouraging me and ultimately giving me the prompt idea in the first place! You both are wonderful and I love you dearly!

I went back and forth on where in any timeline to put this, but ultimately decided that my PRPR verse was the best place. With Twilight and Thorn Princess revealed to each other, I could see their handlers also involved in that. Handler and Director aren’t exactly friends, but they are allies enough to watch each other’s backs if they find themselves on an assignment where they have aligned goals. 

Leaving this fic with the ending I did was a choice I also debated internally but I like it! And I guess that’s what matters 🤣

Pink Sakura

OH BOY THIS FIC.

The inspiration for this hit me upside the head very suddenly on Kiss Day (May 23) and I decided to choose violence. Like with Side by Side and Locked in Tight, I pulled my “canon but mostly an OC” buddy Ken back for some hanahaki “fun” 🤣This one is in the same universe as Flowers and Thorns, but this is clearly the angster younger sister. And once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. I wrote for almost three days straight before I was ready to post this. But it was worth it.

Adding Anya’s chapter wasn’t something I had originally planned (not that there was much planning involved in this fic 🤣) but once I finished Ken’s chapter, I realized there were some pretty glaring plot holes. So I used Anya to fill them and I think that worked out really well! I know hanahaki isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I enjoy it and I’m glad I wrote this one!

New Moon Blues

I return to my Myth Au! 👏 I’ve mentioned this in my author notes, but this whole au was developed by several people (@httplovecraft1890 , @gonnahypatia, @whatroguewrites, @awphooey2u, @juuyeah and @connoisseursdecomfort) and started by @foxtamer113. I couldn’t have made this without everyone’s inputs!

This one was a plot we had discussed ages ago. I think once we nailed Loid and Yor’s roles down, we almost immediately started brainstorming how Anya fit into their lives. We pretty much made her their biological child from the start (if my memory serves me), which I genuinely love in Aus. We did debate over HOW she was born, even though we agreed that she would be a baby goddess. One of the ideas mentioned was something about mingling blood and tears but we decided that the "Athena" route was much more fun to play with. In the end, I altered it just a bit mostly because of inspiration from a comment on the story before this one (Soothing Rays). (thank you to that commentor! I can’t find it right now, but you are amazing!)

Floodgates / Throwing Away Fate (just to keep you safe)

These fics are a RIDE my guys. 

First off, Floodgates was originally a gift from the lovely @creativwit and I hijacked it because of conversations about this au on discord 🤣(like several others on this list amirite??) The idea of Kasper came from those conversations and we’ve grown insanely attached to him. Originally, he was going to be the contact that Garden silenced in ch 43, but we loved him too much to do that.

Since then, we had this idea of what would happen if Franky really did end up in Garden’s crosshairs, and Wit wrote the first chapter of Floodgates as a start. I’m pretty invested in Yor as a fault, so I kept thinking about how she would handle this situation and ended up writing the “interludes” for this fic. I’ve since renamed those chapters to the lyrics of Loyal, Brave, True by Christina Aguilera since that’s the song I primarily write these chapters to. 

Throwing Away Fate is a prequel (hence why i’m mentioning it here) and was pulled from those same conversations. I love the idea of Kasper already been head over heels for Franky before the real action gets going in Floodgates, so I wanted to explore how he found Franky and went on this adventure running from Garden. Originally, I had wanted to write more (up until they are found in Floodgates ch. 1) but I was running out of steam and didn’t want to force myself any farther. Maybe one day I’ll (or wit, or both of us together) write the scene where Shopkeeper finds Kas. That might be fun 😈

Crosslegged in the Dim Light

Unlike the song this title is drawn from, it’s pure fluff! I saw this art by EvuriKigen and immediately started writing. There wasn’t much thought put into the development of this fic since I just started writing. The only thing I did think was that I wanted this to be in my Post Reveal/Pre relationship series, where even though Twilight and Yor have all their cards on the table, sometimes they don’t need to talk about the specifics of their jobs. They know and trust their partner, and that’s really the point of this story. 🥰

Inferno

Shifting gears pretty abruptly, we once again dive into my chats over discord 🤣While I will grumble about how Yuri’s superior doesn’t have a name 😒, I love the dynamic Endo-Sensei set up for the First Lieutenant (I know in the English version he’s called “Captain” but the Japanese says “First Lieutenant” so that’s what I’m going with!), Yuri and Chloe. So I wanted to expand on that outside of their tracking down WISE agents. 

And while I know there is no evidence of any of them being closer than colleagues, my shipping brain just loves the idea of Chloe at least admiring her superior. Hence This fic. 

Like Crosslegged in the Dim Light, I wrote this one very quickly and with little thought about plot. I’m pretty happy with this one!

7 Minutes in Heaven

This one was a beautiful joint venture with @cambot77, @sister-cna-reader, @strangeduckpaper and @creativwit! As with several of the last fics, this one started it’s life on discord. It was our original hope to have this done by Kiss Day (May 23) but that changed as we all kept writing. It was a blast!

Writing out a list of all the pairs to start off was a treat because I kept randomly forgetting some of them XD. But we got them all and planned out a vague idea of what could happen in each chapter. Then I used an online spinner to divide up the ships that hadn’t been previously claimed. After confirming that everyone was happy with what they had, we made the order. 

Ao3’s Collections and Co-author features really helped us here and reading everyone’s chapters brought me genuine joy. It’s so wonderful watching how all of our different writing styles and takes on the characters fit together as a whole. I honestly cannot pick a favorite chapter since I love them all. Thank you all again, my dears. This project was so much fun!

Complicity

The fact that it took me 9 months to finish this one is still astounding to me 🤣I had planned for All For Naught to be a stand alone, but then I saw a prompt on the @dailytwiyorprompts tumblr and that quickly flew out the window!

Seeing everything from Twilight’s perspective and going through his mental gymnastics was honestly a blast. Not sure if there will be a follow up to this duology or not, but anything’s possible.

Psyche

The last fic I started in 2024. This is a gift for the lovely @cantareincminor and was something she requested specifically. Her prompt was: “Mole hunt arc with a twist: Garden sends Thorn Princess to Shellbury to assassinate Wheeler. Instead of Nightfall, Thorn Princess is the one to stumble upon Wheeler and Twilight. She absolutely mops the floor with Wheeler and saves Twilight. Up to you whether his mask is off or on—could be awesome either way if she believes her husband or her brother is in danger.”

No going to lie, I was completely surprised when this developed into a 10k first chapter. The second chapter is still in the works and looks like it may also end up about that length and there’s no clue about the 3rd. But I want to talk about the inspirations behind this fic beyond the prompt. 

The title for this fic changed multiple times as I was writing it and probably spent more time as “untitled” than anything else. But within the day I posted it, I was struck by Orpheus by Cantare herself! I honestly love mythology (as my Myth series shows I hope 😅) and considered the wider plot of where this story would go. Without giving away too much, the story of Eros and Psyche just fits. Yor is the wife that doesn’t truly know her husband and through some twist of fate ends up finding out. While this story won’t be a one-to-one retelling of the myth, there may be echoes found within it until the end. And I’m really excited to share that with you all!

Honorable Mention: Sleeping with the Telephone

While I started this fic back in Nov 2023, a lot of it has been written in 2024. This fic has been an honest to goodness rollercoaster to write…and it’s not done yet. 

In my author’s note, I mention that I originally wrote part of the first chapter as a one shot on my RP blog, but it has developed moreso than I could have anticipated. There are a lot of themes in this, from draftees suddenly leaving their children and spouses behind, to family dynamics and the struggles therein, how war impacts relationships as a whole, and the like. Of course most, if not all, of these are addressed in Spy x Family, but bringing the war back to Ostania and having them fight another country entirely was interesting. 

Unlike the phenomenal @niregonnagiveyouup’s Not a Vein of Stars (which i HIGHLY recommend), I wanted to base this story around some of the hot conflicts during the Cold War. The US and USSR were infamous for recruiting other countries to help fight “their own” wars (like the Philippines sending troops to South Korea and The Warsaw pact sending troops to fight with the USSR in Albania). This still happens in the present day (such as the UK sending troops to Afghanistan and Belarus to Ukraine), even if it’s not to the same insanity that WW2 was. I don’t like it. I never have liked war, and writing this story from the perspective of a family being caught in the proverbial crossfire helped me hate it all the more.

But this story is a passion project of mine. I’m at the home stretch and re-reading this story to center myself for that happy ending I’ve promised myself really helps me love it all the more. Someday soon that fic will have a complete next to it’s name and I can’t wait. 

I know this was long as heck, but thanks for sticking with me! I didn’t realize I had written so much this past year since I took a break for a good chunk of it. But in hindsight, I’m really proud of how all of these works turned out and want to thank everyone who read, left kudos and/or comments. You all are wonderful!

Happy 2025 everyone! Here’s to more stories! 🍾

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Remembrance of Things Past: Final Part

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~2.5k

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill, fearing for your life

Summary: Someone leaves an unmarked package by your door that sends you into a spiral of fear. Meanwhile, the team joins forces with Virginia police on a case Rossi was on decades earlier, one that he will have to go back into in order to figure out the one that's staring at him in the face.

Season Six Masterlist

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them.

x

The detective pulls up the email he got on the big computer and plays the message his daughter left for him before she died.

"Mom, Dad, this is Heather. When you get this message, I'll probably be dead. Tomorrow you're going to find me," she starts crying, "and when you do, please know that I... I enjoyed it."

"I enjoyed it. That's his signature. It's him," Rossi says.

"Agent Rossi, I need to give the press a statement."

"Not yet."

"It's already leaked out that this is the Butcher and his son."

"Fix your faucet and tell your men to be quiet," Rossi glares.

"Look, people are scared. This guy has spent a decade terrorizing this area—"

"You think I don't know that?" Rossi cuts him off.

The Detective sighs and leaves the room to do what Rossi told him to do.

"We need to figure out why he's back, like BTK or the Grim Sleeper. Let's go over victimology one more time," Hotch says.

"He kills blondes who are living on their own. He takes them from public places with some form of ruse. He's reenacting his last kill for what reason?"

"Maybe there's something symbolic about the last kill. Let's hear her call again."

"Maybe we should take a look at the victims that didn't call anybody. There were thirteen recording messages and five documented conversations with loved ones," Spencer suggests. "There were twenty kills. Two victims didn't call anyone."

"I just assumed those victims couldn't reach anyone," Rossi frowns.

"Let's pull the files of the victims that didn't leave a message. Reid might be onto something."

It doesn't take long for Penelope to pull all the files from the archives before sending them over. Detective Green has hard copies that the previous officers left behind, and he brings those boxes in for everyone to look through as well.

"So, Sylvia was the Butcher's first kill. Karen was his eighth. Why weren't they forced to make phone calls?"

"Sylvia was his first kill. He was building up his confidence. Then, he thinks to himself, how can I hurt the most people? I'll have them make calls."

"Six women after that made the phone calls. Why did he stop at Karen?" Hotch looks at the desk phone that is still connected to Penelope. "Garcia, what are Karen's parents' names?"

"George and Claire Bachner died in a car accident when Karen was nineteen."

"My notes say Karen had a husband named Lee Mullens," Rossi says. "He didn't receive a call. When I interviewed him at the station, he said he didn't have an answering machine."

"Do they have a child?"

"Negative," Penelope answers.

"Wait a minute. They had a son. I wrote it down." Rossi flips through his own notes. "Colby."

"Garcia, run Karen's maiden name. Bachner."

It doesn't take her even a minute to pull up the information.

"Oh! There it is! Karen had a son, Colby Bachner, born at Johnson Memorial in Bristol, Virginia."

"Was the father there to sign the birth certificate?" Hotch asks.

"Yes. His name was... Lee Mullens. Oh. Karen had Colby two years before she and Lee were married."

"Are the father or son still in the area?"

"Yeah. Lee and Colby live at 1844 Shadow Wood Lane which is six miles from where the victims were dumped."

"So, maybe Karen never made a phone call because the most important person in her life was already in the room with her--her son," you theorize.

"Oh, hell no. They're licensed electricians," Penelope gasps.

"Let's go."

You leave the police station and head to the Butcher's house where it's unusually quiet. Derek and Emily head around back with some officers where an RV sits, and you approach the front of the house with Rossi. You look at the attic window and narrow your eyes in suspicion. You tap Rossi's shoulders and point to the window with a nod. He understands that you're saying that someone is up there whether that be the Butcher himself or his son.

You follow Hotch and Rossi inside the house with officers right behind you. You come around the corner and see someone standing on the stairs holding a picture in his hands. He's an older gentleman and looks harmless but you can feel twenty victims' energies all over the man. This is the Butcher.

"FBI. Don't move," Hotch says.

"Put your hands in the air!"

"What are you doing here?" Lee asks. "Why are you here? My son isn't here."

"You're under arrest for the murders of Chloe Moore, Reilly Gold, and Sylvia Marks," Rossi glares and moves closer to Lee.

"I don't know them. Please, I need to call someone."

"You can call from the station."

"Rossi, wait," you say.

Right as Rossi touches the bottom stair, the older man looks down nervously at his pelvis. Wetness spreads from the middle of his pants toward the ground. He's peeing himself. This man... something isn't right. You can't bring him in when he's like this so Rossi opts to keep him in the living room after getting him a fresh change of pants to wear. The rest of the team searches the house but his son isn't there.

The only thing that will incriminate them is a shallow grave in the front of the house with a woman's body in it. Whoever dug it didn't care about keeping her well hidden. He just wanted her out of sight. The thing that Rossi was hoping for was Lee's twenty victims being here but besides the woman in the front lawn, no other person has been here in a long time.

When they've killed, they did it somewhere else.

"We checked the house. There's no torture chamber and no son. There's a fresh grave in the backyard, and Colby left a note saying he was going to find a prize," Emily says.

"Garcia, check Mullens' records and see if he owns any other property. Check under the son's name, employment records, and anything else you can find," Hotch says to her over the phone.

"Got it."

"Guys. I think I found something," Spencer says from the kitchen.

"Morgan, let's get all the police cars out of the neighborhood in case the son comes back."

Derek leaves and you walk to the kitchen with Hotch and Rossi.

"Everything in the house is labeled. I found Donepezil and flashcards in the medicine cabinet."

"Donepezil? Doesn't that treat Alzheimer's?"

"It's a cholinesterase inhibitor. It improves acetylcholine either by increasing levels in the brain or enhancing nerve cells' response to it."

"So, this guy gets to forget while the family has to live with this forever?" Rossi asks and scoffs.

"Alzheimer's affects short-term memory before it affects long-term. That explains the scripted phone calls and the dump sites."

"It also explains why he started up again," you say. "He's repeating his last kill because he can't remember it. He's killed for over ten years. He probably remembers the earliest victims."

Derek walks back into the kitchen.

"What did you find?"

"He's got slides of all the prior abduction sites."

"Do you want me to go in with you?" Hotch asks Rossi.

"I've got this."

Rossi walks into the living room while you stand in the archway and watch them.

"We met twenty years ago. Do you remember that, Mullens? You played the grieving husband. I was a young FBI Agent." Rossi shows him pictures of his earlier victims. "Do you remember these women?"

"I don't know them."

"Of course, you do. You wouldn't have forgotten them yet. Tell me, where is your son? Where is he taking your next victim? To a friend's place? To an abandoned house?"

"I rewired this house."

"Did he help you with that? Or did you do that on your own? Like you did... all of these?"

Rossi takes out some more pictures and places them on the table.

"Are those your trophies?" Lee asks.

"What do you know about trophies?"

"I like trophies. It proves you won something."

"You're not gonna win today," Rossi glares.

"I'm scared."

"You don't have a right to be scared. Those women were scared. Now, where's your son?" Lee doesn't answer. "It must be hard to lose your mind. You start forgetting how to feed yourself. Soon you're stinking up your pants and wearing diapers."

"I ain't wearing no diaper," Lee growls.

"You peed into your boxers ten minutes ago. You need them now. So, how did you get your son to do all this? Did you get him to help you to kill your wife?"

"Karen left us."

"No, that's what you convinced him. You killed her when she figured you out. You took her to a chamber, the same place you took Heather Langley, Kara Kirkland, and Sylvia Marks."

"Sylvia's a pretty name," Lee chuckles.

"She graduated from Georgetown. She wanted to be a chemist, but you burned her so bad that her family couldn't recognize her. How did you do that? Did you use a fire poker or a curling iron? Something you made? Something you bought?"

"When she saw the Lexwell, her eyes went so wide, she scared me half to death," Lee smiles at the memory.

"Find out what that is," Hotch says to the team having heard the same thing you did.

You step off to the side and call Penelope.

"Hey, are you okay?"

"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I heard what happened this morning."

"Oh, yeah, that. We'll talk about it later, okay? Listen, I need something. What can you tell me about the name Lexwell?"

"Lexwell is a camera manufacturer based out of New York. They've been around since the forties."

You walk to the team who are huddled together and put Penelope on speakerphone.

"Have they always produced photography equipment?"

"Back in the day, they made electroshock therapy equipment."

"That's the unknown object penetrating our victims," you say.

"Garcia, what mental hospitals in Virginia use ECT machines?"

"Five hospitals use Lexwell equipment. Of those five, three have been torn down and two are still in operation."

"Cross-check that list of hospitals against Mullens' electrical business client list."

"Yeah, I'm already doing that. Mullens wired some buildings at the Oakton Center back in the eighties."

"Do you know that place?" Derek asks the detective.

"It's a former mental institution on eighty-six acres."

"He's right. Two of the buildings are still in operation. The rest of the place is abandoned."

"Thanks, baby girl."

Hotch knocks on the wall which catches Rossi's attention, and the older agent leaves the living room.

"Where are you going?" Lee asks.

You don't waste time getting to the abandoned hospital. The closer you get to it, the more you see wisps of energy dancing in front of the hospital.

"He already has another victim. I can see her energy."

"Find her," Rossi urges.

He doesn't hesitate to follow you as you run through the hospital grounds with urgency. You pass by building after building until you get to the back of the property where five buildings stand. You pause and look around the place and that's when you spot it. Blue energy seeps up from one of the sewer gates by the first building.

"She's in the basement of that one," you point.

Hotch and Rossi are first to get down there while the rest follow suit. You peer around their shoulders to see a blonde woman on some medical table with black tape over her naked chest. Colby is pacing next to the table with a knife in his hand. He is beyond stressed, unable to live up to his father's expectations.

"Colby." The young man snaps his head up and places the knife to the woman's throat when he sees the FBI. "Put the knife down."

"I'll kill her."

"The killing is done."

"Please help me," the woman cries.

"This is not your fault, Colby. Your father got you into this."

"No, you don't know my dad!"

"We know you're losing him, Colby. This isn't going to help you or him."

"He's getting better."

"No, he isn't." You push past them and take the center position. Colby's wide eyes land on yours but you don't move any closer to him. "I know that scares you because you already lost your mother."

"She left us!" he screams at you.

"Your father killed her."

Colby shakes his head as tears roll down his cheeks.

"No, no, no. You're wrong!"

"You were ten. He strapped her to this table. Your father brought her here. You might have been in the car or upstairs. You blocked it out because I know you love him. You love him and you didn't want to see what he is truly capable of. He's supposed to be your dad. He's supposed to love you and care for you." Colby is full-on crying now but he still has the knife to her throat. "He most likely knocked your mother out at home and brought her here."

"No, I helped him bring the only woman here from that house."

"That was your mother, Colby."

"No, she left us," his voice breaks.

"Every one of your father's victims made a call except for your mother because she laid on this table and said goodbye to you right here."

"No, she's not dead," he cries. "She left us. She... She left us!"

"You don't want to hurt her, Colby. You never wanted to hurt any of them."

Colby sobs as he tosses the knife away from the woman. Rossi and Hotch immediately handcuff him while Derek and Emily help the woman who is also crying. The woman is brought to the paramedics once they come and the detective brings Colby back to the station to start the process of his arrest. You stand off to the side with your arms crossed over each other. Spencer, Derek, and Emily join your side and watch the paramedics do their job.

"You know, parents are supposed to protect their children. They're supposed to love them and keep them safe," you say.

"Well, sometimes they don't get the memo," Emily responds.

******

Frank leans back in his chair with his feet up on the dollar store fold-up table he got yesterday. The phone is pressed to his ear since he's talking to his wife while keeping a close eye on the cameras he installed in your apartment. You and Spencer are going about your nightly routine, nothing major happening here.

What he did to you sent you into a paralyzing fear so much so that you started looking for a camera to put on the outside of your apartment. It's a good thing he already planted the ones inside your place. You say you have this magical gift that can tell you anything you want to know so why can't you figure out who he is? When will you? Will you ever? As much as he cherishes you, you're becoming too much of a liability to keep in his life. He should have gotten rid of you when he was supposed to but you were and always will be his favorite toy. He must play with you one last time before taking you out.

"You should have been there, Clarissa. She went crying to Daddy about the fake bomb I put in front of her door. You should have seen the look on her face. She was so scared," he laughs. "Even racked with fear, she still looked... so cute."

"Please be careful, Frank. You're playing with fire."

"I'm only getting started," he smirks.

"When I was younger I could remember anything, whether it happened or not; but my faculties are decaying now, and soon I shall be so I cannot remember any but the latter. It is sad to go to pieces like this, but we all have to do it." – Mark Twain

x

Want to be tagged? Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[ghost-proofbaby]

When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Let's spread the self-love 💛

this caused a sweet walk down memory lane of the last several years, so thank you very much for that <3 i've decided to exclude long fics, and focus more on one shots posted here, because in all honesty? every long fic i write for a character i hold near and dear to my chest, and each one is a love letter all on their own (i'm looking very hard at you two, the shire is burning and the moon will sing.)

you showed me colors (eddie munson x reader)

yes, very sad, but also i just adore the world building i managed in this fic. absolutely tragic but also the sweet moments really did give me a toothache. i think it did well on encapsulating both the feeling i got as i fell for eddie while watching the show, as well as the devastation when the canon ending to season 4 happened. a slightly different story, an almost parallel universe, and yet it all ended the same. big tragedy. big feelings. but the love is still there <3

2. foolishness and all (eddie munson x reader)

this one is honestly pure silliness, but it also just captures my love for eddie so... nicely? so perfectly? one shots like this one and no denture adventure just always serve to remind me why i love eddie, why i love writing, and just the sheer joy of fandom/being a fan of things to the point of wanting to immortalize them with my words forevermore - even when the words are inside jokes or entirely unserious for the most part.

3. sweet like honey (steve harrington x reader)

the notorious fic in which i've had snippets of sent to me a few times where i go "WHO WROTE THIS? I NEED TO READ IT!!" only to be hit with the fact that i wrote it. was the final nail in the coffin in the way steve owns the nickname "honey" for me, too. we love cocky king steve. long live.

4. simple. (astarion x reader)

this one i love due to the way i got to play around with a new dynamic between astarion and reader/tav <3 his character, including his trauma, is something extremely personal and important to me, so venturing out with this type of writings with him has always been a slippery slope for me. but i genuinely enjoy what i did here <3

5. kissing lessons (robin buckley x reader)

and of course... how can i not include this lovely work in which helped me take something sour from my past, and make it sickly sweet? robin has been a huge fictional crush for me since season 3, and getting to put myself into a reader while giving them a happier ending than reality was just very fulfilling to me <3 makes my heart sing that so many others enjoyed it right along with me <3

this was so fun and nostalgic, thank you so much!! 😭🖤

[formulakatya]

I CARE | TAA

“ooh, i care, i care, i care, like ribbons in your hair, my stomach’s all in knots, you got the one thing that i want”

summary: where jealousy gets the best of you, you can’t help but put yourself down and trent can’t stand to watch you do that to yourself

pairing: trent alexander-arnold x f1 driver!reader

notes: ferrari are back to their winning ways in this story and based off lacy by olivia rodrigo :) sorry i just love writing to songs. also wrote this because it’s 5am and i can’t go back to sleep so excuse the terrible writing.

warnings: none i can think off, unedited work

—

“OH MY GOD! oh my god! my first win in formula one!” you screamed over the radio, excited over the impressive feat after having seen the chequered flag first. “WE DID IT!”

“congratulations, (yn)!” your engineer laughed over the radio. “i’ll see you at the number one board!”

“you bet you will,” you smiled underneath your helmet as you pulled into the pit lane, the roars of your team being able to be heard as you stopped your car, climbing out to celebrate properly.

seeing them cheer and celebrate for you was a core memory you’d have forever, you were sure of that. seeing the ferrari crew clapping for you and cheering your name, you felt tears of joy form as you jumped off your car, running to them as they engulfed you in hugs.

taking off your helmet, you smiled as you received a pat on your back from your engineer. “couldn’t have done it without you, marco,” you smiled, “thank you.”

“it was all you, (yn),” he responded, “what a race.”

nodding, you looked in the background to see the rest of the ferrari crew cheering in their garage as they ran out to give each other hugs. confused, you looked at marco as you tilted your head, trying to figure out why the crew on charles’ end of the garage was celebrating in such a fashion when he had only finished in p6. “what’s going on?”

“oh charles just took the championship lead,” he replied, looking at your smile which slowly faded seeing how everyone had forgotten about your first win all of a sudden. “hey, don’t let that overshadow your first win. you did incredibly well and nothing can take that away from you.”

nodding, you laughed at how well your engineer knew you, reading your expression like an open book. “thank you, marco.”

walking away with your helmet and hans device in your hand, you took your weight on the scale, smiling at the fia official who congratulated you before waiting for your turn to get interviewed.

“and now, our winner here today, (yn) (ln)!”

chuckling as you heard loud roars and cheers coming from your pit crew and engineer, you smiled at oscar who handed the microphone to you.

“incredible job today, (yn), congratulations on your win! how does it feel getting your first win and how special does it feel being able to achieve that here in monza?”

“thank you,” you smiled, pausing for a while to come up with a good response. “obviously it always feels special coming to monza as it’s ferrari’s home race but being able to also achieve my first win here feels extra special. i’ve always dreamed of this day since i was young— taking my first win in formula one and it just feels incredible. and to take it in monza in front of all the tifosi makes this moment feels extra sweet.”

“and your teammate, charles, also just took the championship lead, how special does that feel for you knowing that ferrari are now leading the constructors’ championship?”

of course he had to bring charles up.

pausing for a while, you hesitated before speaking again. “yeah, it feels incredible knowing that we’re now leading, i mean the team has done an amazing job and they all deserve it. charles also deserves it especially after the season he has had so far so big congratulations to him as well.”

“right, thank you (yn)!”

—

sighing, you made your way to your hotel room tiredly, the sun now setting after having taken a long time with media and the team debrief, trophy in hand.

staring at the silverware, you couldn’t help but let out a deep breath.

you had made such an incredible achievement that day— taking your first victory in front of the home crowd in monza as a rookie in the sport, and yet all the chatter in the paddock was about charles.

to you, it felt unfair.

why was it always charles? why was it always him?

every single thing you did so far in this season had always been overshadowed by his accomplishments; when you had scored your first points in australia, when you had scored your first podium in silverstone. all of it had been upstaged by charles— be it him scoring a win or him simply scoring points.

you were frustrated, and rightly so.

the moment you had always dreamed of had been ruined and now it didn’t even feel remotely special. and you hated how you were jealous of the one person that had done nothing but treat you like family ever since you entered the team.

opening the door, you smiled upon seeing trent sitting on the edge of the bed scrolling on his phone. “hey,” you smiled.

“there you are!” he smiled, bringing you into a hug the minute you were within distance, “my formula one race winner.”

“yeah,” you forced a chuckle. at least there was one person who cared.

“hey,” he spoke, looking at you. “what’s wrong?”

“what do you mean?”

letting out a sigh, he shook his head as he watched you put your trophy next to your luggage. “i know you well, (yn), and i know for a fact something is wrong.”

“i just—“ you spoke, only to be cut off by your shaky breath. “why is everything i do never good enough to feel special?”

“hey, come here,” he motioned, bringing you into a comforting embrace. “what do you mean?”

“i mean, everything i do, no matter how big it feels is never special enough. at least i doesn’t feel special enough. it’s always overshadowed by something else and it’s just…” you choked on your tears that were threatening to spill out. “it’s just frustrating because no matter how hard i try it’s never enough. it’s just upsetting because no matter what it feels like i’m always second.”

silence filled the room apart from your shaky breaths as you rested your chin on trent’s shoulder as he took a while to think of something to say.

“i’m sorry,” he spoke, “i mean, i won’t say i know how it feels but i can imagine how bad it must feel but no one can ever take your achievements away from you.”

“maybe it’s just meant to be that way for me,” you sighed.

“love, don’t say that.” trent couldn’t help but feel for you as you sobbed silently in his arms, finally giving way to your emotions. “i get that it feels like your second always and everything you do is overshadowed but the truth is that there’s so many people that recognise your achievements and just how significant they are. maybe not ferrari, but i know for a fact the other drivers and teams do. and you’re good enough, more than enough, and if they don’t realise it, they’re a bunch of idiots. it’s frustrating to have your most special moments to be overshadowed by your teammate out of everyone, for sure, but that doesn’t mean what you’ve done isn’t any less significant.”

he paused, “no one can ever take it away from you— how special and talented you are and your achievements.”

“yeah?”

“yeah.”

[junnieverse]

BEST PART ➳ P. JONGSEONG

➙ synopsis: undoubtedly jay was the perfect boyfriend in your eyes and stumbling across an old box of yours, it becomes a trip down memory lane when you read through all the different notes jay wrote for you when you were together.

pairing: jay park x afab!reader (but it's pretty gender neutral imo)

genre: a mixture of angst and fluff, friends to lovers to exes au

word count: 1.0k

request: " jay who gives you a box full of papers that mention all the little things you do that would go unnoticed by most “y/n who cries when she laughs too hard” “y/n who loves the smell of vanilla” and on the last paper it says “y/n, jay’s everything” "

warnings: not proofread

a/n: this was such a cute and sentimental request anon, tysm I loved it, I did change it up a bit with the angst but I still hope you enjoy this too :))

a/n (2) : hi everyone, there's officially a part two [ here ] to anyone interested in seeing jay and (y/n) having their happy ending

"I'll be down with you in a minute, I just have one more box to get!" you yell to your roommate before rushing upstairs to your bedroom.

You had been living overseas for your studies for over 2 years now and you were finally packing to go back home.

It was a bitter sweet moment to say the least. Leaving home and everyone you loved behind was hard but you also made some wonderful friends in this new country and now it was all coming to an end.

Walking into your cleared room, you find the last box which seemed unfamiliar at first until you opened it to see what was inside.

Taking a seat at the edge of your bed, you felt choked up a little.

Inside the box was a neatly folded oversized navy hoodie, a handmade bracelet, a vinyl and another tiny box containing a bunch of notes and letters.

This was your box of memories with your now ex boyfriend Jay Park.

Your relationship with Jay felt like it came straight out of a movie, never a dull moment with each other.

"Jay, why do you love me?" you ask out of the blue as you both sat on the hood of his car watching the sunset.

"There's alot of reasons to love you, I could go on forever listing those." he tells you as you had not noticed he was already admiring you as you watched the scenery.

From that day on, Jay made it his life's mission to give you a reason why he loved you every single day.

This would range from small notes he would leave on your desk to full handwritten letters he would send to you.

'Day 05: I love to see the joy on your face as you wipe away your tears from laughing too hard.'

Jay was an observant boyfriend, he noticed all the little details about you that you hadn't thought he would but he did.

He always reminded you how happy he was whenever he heard you laugh because that was you in your purest state of positivity.

'Day 17: I love how free you become whenever you listen to music.'

You could recall a vivid moment back to when you were both on a date and decided to visit his favourite music shop.

You had been looking for a new vinyl to add to your collection and that's when you came across Daniel Caesar's Freudian album. Jay knew how much you loved his song Best Part with H.E.R from the album and decided to suprise you with the vinyl.

The song soon became a part of your relationship and you would listen to the song together.

'Day 23: I love vanilla scents all because you do too.'

He knew how this simple fragrance always calmed you and that's when he started using vanilla scented perfumes.

He loved whenever you would hug him just a bit longer because you just loved how good he smelt.

Jay would playfully complain about his hoodies always going missing but who could blame you for taking them.

You would wrap yourself in his oversized hoodie on colder nights and the vanilla scent would instantly help you sleep better.

'Day 25: I love the little moments between us.'

It could be the most mundane of things but Jay treasured every moment with you and you did too with him.

You both had a free weekend and decided to make friendship bracelets for each other.

They obviously weren't the best but it didn't matter to you, you were just happy to spend time with your boyfriend.

Despite how badly done the bracelet he made was, you wore it everyday and he proudly showed off yours too.

It didn't matter how it looked to you, it was the bonding experience and memories the bracelet held that mattered.

'Day 32: I love how you aren't afraid to chase after your dreams.'

You had gotten the news that you were awarded the scholarship to your dream college that you had been waiting for.

You were hesitant to leave at first but ofcourse Jay was a supportive boyfriend and he wanted you to go follow after what you've been working so hard towards.

He would never want to 'hold you back'.

Everything in this moment was hitting you and you physically felt your heart breaking.

All of the messages and memories were hard to relive but the hardest part of it all was having to accept that you no longer had Jay with you.

After moving it became hard having to juggle not only a new school but a now long distance relationship.

You both tried to constantly communicate and make things work but it was clear that your relationship was slowly falling apart to the both of you.

Less texts, less phone calls and it all became harder not being physically with each other.

Soon you both mutually agreed to break up.

'Day 41: I love alot of things about you, but everyday I find myself falling for you more and more.'

To simply love and to be in love were two completely different things to Jay and you knew that.

It was never a simple "love you" from him, he always made sure to say "I love you" with the most sincerity and eye contact and he wanted you to feel all those emotions through his words.

Simply loving you was different to how deeply he was in love with you and it was beautiful.

Going through each letter brought you so many emotions.

He wrote you a reason as to why he loved you for 50 days straight...

"Wait, where's day 50?" you ask yourself looking for the note but not finding it anywhere or in the box.

Sighing you look at the hoodie once more as the faint scent of vanilla hit hit your nose and it was just a whiff of nostalgia.

"Hey (Y/n), you okay?" you were pulled out of your thoughts as your roommate stands by your door seemingly concerned.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, I'm perfectly fine." you sniffle softly displaying a weak smile as you wiped your tears.

You quickly pack everything into the box before shutting it.

"You dropped something." your roommate says handing you a little note that fell from the vinyl case.

'Day 50: I love you because in every moment of my day, you're the best part. Thank you for being my everything.'

[muddyorbsblr]

first, best, worst fanfic tag game

Thank you @mochie85 for tagging me in this! This is gonna be a fun lil trip down memory lane…

First character you wrote a fanfic about: In this fandom? With this current "iteration" of Ally? That would be Loki. But the first one ever that I wrote about? I honestly can't remember for the life of me. I'm pretty sure it was Nick Stokes from CSI though, but that story (mercifully) never made it to my digital footprint and was shredded long ago.

Last Character/Current Fixation: Last character I wrote was Will Ransome, and my fixations as far as what I read have mostly stayed the same…characters from Hiddles, Seb, Evans, Cavill, Pattinson, and Tennant. And then on very special occasions on a full blood moon…John Wick. Currently I'm working on building a story for Charles Krantz, and also planning out a Loki x Reader series that's purely smut and roleplay with costumes. That's all I'm gonna say about that 🤪

Fic you are proudest of: That would have to be 'relinquish the crown'. There's so much in that series that I'm yet to write and I'm so excited for y'all to see what Seasons 2 and 3 have in store. And then there's the "What If…?" bonus stuff that I'm planning that I also can't wait to explore. Honorable mentions would have to be 'a heart like yours' (my first series which is about to have its own "What If…?" spin-off series), 'the final Lady Sharpe', 'back to you', and 'revisiting Stuttgart'.

Most Popular Fic: Basing it off of the notes, the most popular stories are currently 'observing. learning. fantasizing.' (aka Virgin!King!Loki), and 'onyx'. For series, surprisingly, that would be 'relinquish the crown'.

Fic you wrote that you DISLIKE the most: I don't have any that I dislike, but there is going to be a series that I'm going to work on that has me scared because it's gonna go into some dark places. If y'all have ever heard me mention the concept of 'Kilgrave v Loki', it's that one.

Strangest Fic/People wonder where it came from/Why: No one's ever told me "why does this exist" but I'll tell you what my strangest fic is because I can't even answer myself on why the fuck this is in my digital footprint. GRASS POV. That is all 🤣🤣

Strangest Thing You've Ever Learned For a Fic:   I had to search recently about how communion would be administered in a village/community like Aldwinter. Other than that the things I've been searching up have been fairly typical stuff. Pirate romance stories, mermaid romance stories…wait shit those stories aren't ready for y'all to see yet 😂

Favorite AU Type to Write: AUs where Loki doesn't get his fucking windpipe crushed and AUs where Loki doesn't have to spend the rest of his days stuck in a chair holding together a bunch of multiversal timelines all alone for the rest of his damn days. And a special mention to AUs where Loki joins the Avengers 👏👏

Favorite Trope/Type of thing to Write: Mutual pining where they're both idiots that try to hide their feelings from each other. Special mention to the microtrope where someone else tries to make a move on one of them and they go "Thanks but no I'm not available" even though the idiots in love haven't even gotten together yet 🥹 I also love the "It's always been you" trope 😮‍💨

np tags: @holdmytesseract @smolvenger @five-miles-over @lokisgoodgirl @lokischambermaid @gigglingtiggerv2 @acidcasualties @caffiend-queen @november-rayne @simplyholl @ijuststareatstuffhereok89