#and her therapist recommended this church specifically....

[iscariotapologist]

today in church one of the priests referred to trans people as "those who are growing into the gender they were called to be" and i'm kind of enjoying the idea of like....divinely ordained top surgery

[healing-elle]

The thing about healing

I always imagined it a certain way: some empowering song playing in the background as I went into battle. Lots of tears. Fighting until exhaustion and then fighting some more. Screaming and shouting. Exposing every abuser for what they got away with until they were all behind bars or taken out by the loud mob. I thought it would be so consuming and impossible to get through without drowning in guilt and shame from the memories of what happened.

But it couldn't be any different from what I feared for so long.

Like the quiet that follows after the loud crash of the waves: it is the purest calm I have ever known. No noise, no anxious heartbeat, no harsh words or memories of abuse from them because they do not exist anymore.

Because that is what real peace offers.

Freedom, truth, and love.

And those things, as with all things good and worth fighting for in this one precious life, are simple by nature.

Love is simple. Truth is simple. Freedom is simple.

And anyone desperately hell-bent on trying to convince you otherwise is probably not someone with the best intentions (to put it mildly).

Love should not hurt. Truth shouldn't require so many rehearsed explanations and manipulations of information. Freedom should actually feel like freedom. Extra space in the cage on a good day is not freedom, no matter how many times you've been told to believe it over the course of your life.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and panic disorder right before my 19th birthday exactly 14 years ago. One of my abusers tried to manipulate my team into misdiagnosing me in order to deflect from the trauma I had endured at their hands. Being diagnosed with PTSD means you talk about the trauma, and they did not want that. Thankfully, my team saw right through it and, when we were alone and away from my abusers, they told me that I needed to get as far away from "those people" as possible. They said that 'family" did not do these things and that I would never heal my panic attacks and other symptoms if these abusers were still in my life. But that's the thing about abusers -- they will never, ever let you go without a fight.

In the past 7 years, I have been able to safely cut out about 90 percent of these people. I've had to leave all social media, basically hide my identity, leave a career that kept me in a very public role, move multiple times, and take a complete break from having a "normal" social life while I regroup and create as many safety plans as possible in case they try to find me through someone who doesn't know the backstory.

Before I moved away from my trauma therapist, she told me to invent a new story. I remember thinking, "That is so strange -- that sounds like living a lie? Why would she ever recommend that?" And the thing is, she didn't just recommend it, she said it was both required and essential. Even with everything I have done to create a safe space away from my abusers, I never quite understood how to do that. Maybe it comes from being raised Catholic (though I left the Church in 2018), but it seemed like lying for a very long time. Until now.

Now I see what she was referring to and why she offered this as her final words to me on my send off:

The original story was the lie I was forced to repeat from birth -- and it will always have zero truth to it. It is far more of a lie to repeat what my abusers forced me to say about our life than to speak the truth about their double lives, abuses of power, sociopathy, covert narcissism, and religious abuse. But, as my therapist noted, I don't need to relive the specific traumatic events forever. I don't need to talk about it or share it to people (especially when some of those people will study it to repeat the abuse and make me their new target, as I've had to learn the hard way many times over).

The truth is, I am an only child without parents or any extended family. As my therapist would say, "You are on your own, but then again, you always have been. Imagine what you survived alone as a child without anyone to protect you. But that's just it -- you did survive. No matter the obstacle, you survived. Now you are the adult you needed as a child, and you should be so proud of who that person is -- because she is a fighter who never gave up."

And while I am forever grateful for the army of guardian angels that have always watched over me, I am beyond ready for my life to be about so much more than "surviving" and cultivating resilience.

I've had to file multiple police reports, so I know how to do that. I've had to meet with various lawyers and district attorneys and learn my rights, so I know how to do that. I've had to look into changing my name and identity in the event that they find me and things escalate again, so I know how to do that. I have a binder of safety plans and emergency response strategies for all possible situations. I am as prepared as I'll ever be.

The last little piece to all of this, before I can really "start" my new life and just have a life again, though it sounds so superficial, involves losing this weight. As I am documenting here, I am currently in the process of losing nearly half of my body weight (i.e., armor) which I can only hope will make me unrecognizable to my abusers if they hire PIs again. The abuse was always less severe when I was heavier, so it became my armor in more than one way. My body has suffered so much at their hands and even in my coping strategies just to survive them. I want to honor my body and give it the best from here on out. I refuse to spend the rest of my life living in fight or flight mode. Those days are over.

It's just wild...

I never thought I would actually get away. Maybe every cult survivor feels like this to some extent. I broke the cage door and finally gave myself permission to walk through it.

And now that I'm here, far enough away on the outside, I will never look back.

[angria]

About this Blog

***Do not reblog personal posts tagged #angriadm*** I cannot mass edit the reblog option retroactively, so please do not reblog older posts

Hi all, I’m Angria, not my real name (it comes from my love of the Brontë's…it’s the name of their childhood paracosm).  I live on the east coast of the US, both my home-state and the city in which I currently live.  I’m 33 and a gay/queer, cis-woman with she/her pronouns. Was a teacher, now a social work grad student.  I’ve been on here for over 10 years.  This is my outlet and safe space to express things I cannot talk about outside of therapy.  I post what I like or things that resonate with me. I'm weird and pay attention to how my tumblr looks (like how the colors, quotes, pics go together), so I usually blast 20+ posts in a row and then silence...that probably will annoy some people. Also...I curse. A lot (probably too much, but eh). And I do not tag it, so no TWs with regard to swearing.

Speaking of, I have a very specific tag system that serves me and not necessarily others in the sense of trigger warnings.  Just be aware of that and if you do need to unfollow me, I fully understand.

1) I mainly struggle with CPTSD, BPD, and severe depression from childhood abuse and neglect.  I also struggle with self harm and will mention it, usually as SH (no graphic details).  I am still in contact with my parents, for financial/practical reasons amongst others.  So please do not recommend I go no-contact.  It is a very complex situation and I actively discuss it with T.

2) I am very private when it comes to locations and people, mainly because I’m afraid of people I know finding my tumblr.  So my privacy settings are very strict and I do not allow anons.  I’ve never had a good experience during the two times I allowed it years ago.  This is my personal, private safe space and I do not need some random person’s cowardice and ignorant judgments invading it.

3) As a heads up, I do talk about religion and my faith, specifically Christianity.  I’m Episcopalian, was Atheist for a time, and recovering from my religious trauma inflicted by the Catholic Church (born and raised in a dogmatic household and school). I am a firm supporter of inclusive, affirming, and accepting theology. Religion should never be weaponized to control and manipulate others with threatening, bigoted, hate-filled doctrine or beliefs.  If it makes you feel shame, fear, or worthlessness, it does not come from God.  It comes from twisted and false human ideology cowardly hiding behind the guise of “religion.”

I did study and teach Theology for many years; however, no, I do not wish to argue or debate theological or religious discourse.  That is not the point of my blog.  It’s completely fine if you disagree with me or have different beliefs/faiths. But, I am not inviting people to challenge me purely because I have a faith.  I respect other’s faith or non-belief (as long as it doesn’t harm others), so please respect mine.  I am open to genuine questions that you may have; however, I am by no means an authority nor consider myself an expert.  I may know more than the average person, but I will always be in a state of learning.

I do write about things regarding religion that may trigger people, so please take care of yourself and unfollow, if need be. I try my best to notify people with TW/CWs and Read More’s.

Some main people/things I mention…

T is my therapist of 11 years.  He is an incredible person who has supported me and helped me throughout our time together, never giving up on me .  I probably would not be here if it wasn’t for our work.  I vent about him occasionally if I’m upset with him (which we do talk about eventually).  This is not an invitation to judge him or my therapy. My blog is only a snapshot of our years together.  You do not know him, his experience and professionalism, our boundaries, nor fully understand the context of what we discuss and process.  I rarely talk about her, but L was my previous therapist who terminated with me before I moved to the city, which still affects me.

Dr W is my psychiatrist of 10 years.  She also is a huge advocate and actually listens to me when it comes to my symptoms, medication, and their side-effects, which is a rarity when it comes to psychs.   

Her is a child-part, for lack of better term.  The Voice is a fight(?) part.  I do not have DID, but I have been told I fit criteria of OSDD.  While I agree, I am still hesitant to say I have it.  I just know Her and The Voice are more fragmented/dissociated than how “parts” are described in IFS (Internal Family Systems).

Smshellhole was the Catholic school I attended for 11 years, from preschool to 8th grade (I always call it hellhole; the school's name is a trigger).  I was severely bullied and abused throughout that time, both from kids and teachers.  As well as the priest who worked there.  The time between 3rd and 7th grade were the worst years when I was so dissociated I can’t remember much…just small pieces. On top of the abuse and neglect at home. Main abuser is a person from hellhole during the worst years.

E and J are the priests at my Episcopal church and have been life-changing for me and immense supporters as I untangle and process my religious trauma (a couple years ago, J left to assume a different role in a diocese that is in another state. Which completely devastated me).

And if you are feeling up to it, check out my positivity/recovery blog spegaudentes (Latin for rejoicing in hope). Mostly stuff that makes me happy with a smattering of coping skills and memes.

[traumacatholic]

Hi, sorry if this question has been asked or if you've already dropped links, but by chance, would you have faith-based resources for Catholics who struggle with abuse trauma, sex addiction and OCD? Because of body tremors associated with withdrawal syndrome that come and go, followed by overpowering intrusive thoughts, I suspect I might be an addict.

This post by @hislittleflower-throughconcrete covers trauma, OCD, and while not quite the same covers substance abuse. You might find some of the advice and information around addiction helpful even if it's not quite the same.

I would also recommend looking up things like 'trauma theology'. This seeks to understand trauma through a theological lens. You might find it really helpful. Not all resources on trauma theology are going to be from a Catholic or even necessarily Christian perspective, but might be worth looking into. Here are some other things I've found:

https://uscatholic.org/articles/201001/resources-for-those-struggling-with-mental-illness/

https://www.publishersweekly.com/pw/by-topic/industry-news/religion/article/83277-six-books-on-faith-mental-health-and-disability.html

https://waterloocatholics.org/resources-for-depression (worth mentioning that things like CBT workbooks etc are also helpful for those struggling with OCD. While this more specifically touches on depression, it can also offer advice and guidance with other mental health struggles)

http://www.mentalhealthministries.net/resources/books.html

https://theseattleschool.edu/blog/nine-theology-trauma-books/

Trauma-Sensitive Theology: Thinking Theologically in the Era of Trauma

Leaving Cloud 9: The True Story of a Life Resurrected from the Ashes of Poverty, Trauma, and Mental Illness

Catholic Diocese of Arlington recommends these books - a lot of them are specifically about those navigating the trauma of clerical abuse. But you might find some of them helpful:

Restoring Sanctuary

By: T. Pitt Green

This book written by one of our veteran survivors is a reflection on her faith journey in healing from abuse from a predator priest.  It is instructive and helpful.  Other survivors of abuse tell us it has been helpful to their journey.  This also may be helpful for priests or others who serve the Church and in helping professions to better understand the experience of abuse survivors.

Veronica's Veil: Spiritual Companionship for Survivors of Abuse

By: T. Pitt Green and Rev. Lewis S. Fiorelli, OSFS

Veronica's Veil is a watershed in offering spiritual support to a growing number of adults who wish to integrate their Christian faith into the arduous psychological recovery from child abuse by clergy and other persons in authority.  Veronica's Veil can help transform encounters with survivors of this trauma into turning points in healing.  This is an essential guide for priests, sisters, deacons, other ordained and lay ministers, and therapists-as well as families and friends of abuse survivors.

The Way: Stations of the Cross for Survivors of Abuse

By: Sue Stubbs, MS, NCC

Sue Stubbs is the director of the Archdiocese of Atlanta's Victim Assistance Program.  She leads “The Way” retreats for victims/survivors of abuse.  This book outlines the Stations of the Cross, the devotion to Jesus' Passion, with prayers and reflections written specifically for survivors of abuse.

Hurting in the Church: A Way Forward for Wounded Catholics

By: Fr. Thomas Berg

Fr. Berg tells his own story and the stories of other Catholics who have been wounded in the Church and found healing in Jesus.  Fr. Berg reflects on different types of wounds that are inflicted on those in the Church and ways to move towards healing.

My Peace I Give You: Healing Sexual Wounds with the Help of the Saints

By:  Dawn Eden

Originally from a Jewish family, Eden became agnostic and eventually experienced a conversion Christianity that ultimately led her to the Catholic Church.  Eden shares stories of wounded saints transformed by the grace of God. She explains how those sexually wounded in childhood can come to understand their identity in the love of Christ.

The Book of Job  - Translation 

By: Stephen Mitchell

There are three Scripture lines worth holding in heart when reading Job. One is from Jeremiah 29:11, where the Lord promises He will hear us when we call from our exile and abject aloneness.  He will listen, and He will lead us back to the happiness from where we have been exiled. It has heartened me.  Another is Isaiah 30:15-18, where He comforts us, promising us our strength can lie in quiet even in the presence of evil, and that He is waiting to be gracious to us; it is a meditation on the meditative and quiet ways of God in the face of suffering.  Job can have little to do with forgiveness toward evil or even understanding of God until through our surrender to what is real leads us to pray for friends who could not help us in our suffering.

Making Sense Out of Suffering

By: Peter Kreeft

Kreeft is a bestselling Catholic writer who lays out in a light-hearted way the basics of suffering, including what the Church teaches about it, but more so what our Church experience through the ages has drawn upon as the faith whose image of God Triumphant is that of a human man hanging broken on a cross.  That really is something important for survivors to remember, that image, and how incomprehensible the triumph of suffering still remains in every life.

The Wounded Healer: In Our Own Woundedness, We Can Become a Source of Life for Others

By:  Henri J. M. Nouwen

This book that is an answer to the What Now question after victims stop resisting their experiences. This is the path out this is the definition of freedom from suffering The book is why volunteer work is what grounds otherwise lost people and why thousands every year forgo their high level career paths to serve I is a short book because this is also classic Nouwen, pensive in a lovely way but dense in a pensive way alas Nouwen through and through.

Here are some other articles and resources:

HOW SCRIPTURE AND PRAYER HELPED ME OVERCOME MY SEXUAL ADDICTIONS

Reclaim Sexual Health | reclaimsexualhealth.com – Online recovery program designed to help Catholics who are struggling with sexual addiction of any kind

The Victory App | thevictoryapp.com – An app that confidentially tracks a person’s struggle with pornography and offers feedback on triggers, accountability features, journaling, and inspiration.

Catholic Therapists.com | catholictherapists.com – Online database of Catholic Therapists, some opportunities for video conferencing across geographical distances

Sexaholics Anonymous (SA) | sa.org – For anyone in need of a confidential group to provide accountability and recovery. SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) is different from SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous) in that they are more aligned with Church teaching on sexual addiction and recovery.

These resources are more specifically for pornography, but you might find that they can help.

Covenant Eyes | covenanteyes.com – Catholic accountability service for those struggling with pornography that covers all devices. Use the promo code “richmond” when purchasing for our affiliate rate.

X3watch | x3watch.com – Christian accountability tool for those struggling with pornography. Covers all devices.

Fortify Program | fortifyprogram.org – A web-based program with an app component that walks you through understanding the science of addiction and the road to recovery along with tracking your goals and setbacks.

Fight the New Drug | fightthenewdrug.org – Secular resource with a number of helpful resources on the science of pornography, facts, and personal accounts

Chastity Project | chastityproject.com – Catholic resource for information, statistics, talk outlines, seminar possibilities, and chastity education

NCOSE (National Center on Sexual Exploitation) | endsexualexploitation.org – Advocacy organization identifies pornography as a public health crisis and provides resources revealing links between all forms of sexual exploitation

Porn Addiction & Recovery Resources

Free Prayer Book for those affected by addiction

Hope in Christ: Spiritual Support for Addiction

'100 Best Sexual Addiction Books of All Time' (A lot of these are from a secular perspective but might offer some good info)

'The 15 most powerful memoirs about addiction and recovery'

[nerdygaymormon]

uhhhh david have you gotten the liahona yet bc idk how to feel about an article i found in there yesterday. it was pretty comforting and basic, but did use ssa the whole time. BUT the youth one was pretty crappy, it used ssa to the max and gave no real hope, was pretty bland and annoying about oh itll be find just believe and jesus and get hatecrimed <3 i would like to hear your thoughts on it, its the first time ive seen any queer topics in church magazines

Thanks for bringing these to my attention.

"Same-sex attraction" (SSA) is the preferred term of Church leaders. They say it's a way of not making it your identity, that this isn't part of who I am but rather is something I'm dealing with. In other words, people "have" same-sex attraction, not that they "are" gay or lesbian or bi.

There have been a few leaks from behind-the-scenes where the apostles say they use "same-sex attraction" because it's the term that people like least. People like it less that same-gender attraction or gay/lesbian. SSA includes the word "sex" and I guess the idea is it gets people to think of sexual acts and feel queasy.

SSA is the term normally used in Church magazines because they follow the lead of the First Presidency and apostles.

There's 3 items in the Church magazines this month about queer people! That's a lot for one month.

————————————————————

The first is a bishop talking about how to understand and include LGBT people at church. After becoming bishop, 3 sets of parents contacted him distressed that their child is gay or transgender (I note that the parents used "gay." He also mentions contacting someone who 'identifies as gay").

His first recommendation is to follow the living apostles. (which explains why the bishop uses "SSA" even though everyone else around him used "gay"). It's a good idea for a local leader to find what the current leaders are saying because it's changed. He also says to read the Church's websites titled “Same-Sex Attraction” and “Transgender.” He provides two lovely quotes from those pages about diversity at church and being loving to people who are different.

His second recommendation is to not be afraid to talk to people who identify as gay, but instead try to have love for them and then let the Spirit guide you in what to say. We're just people, it shouldn't be scary to talk to us, that shows how different he thinks we are from the other people he interacts with in his ward.

The bishop's third suggestion is to speak to people who are familiar with LGBT "issues," share your testimony, and apologize for hurtful things you say. His list of people to contact for help understanding was a little disheartening because he starts with his stake leaders, ward leaders, other bishops, and so on, actual queer people were the last people on his list.

He continues by saying to pull aside members who are saying homophobic or transphobic things and give them some personal guidance, don't share private information that a member shares with the bishop, and just because someone has these "attractions" doesn't mean they're acting on them, and if they aren't "acting" on them then you can let them have a calling.

I have a few comments about the last few things. If no one corrects the homophobic/transphobic comments in public but instead privately suggests the person do better, every one who heard those comments thinks they stand unchallenged. The atmosphere created by the comments is unchanged. Especially if the bishop was present to hear those words, if they go uncontested then people think this is what is acceptable.

You'd think bishops know not to share private information a member shares with them. I've been around long enough to know that when a bishop is unsure what to do, he starts contacting his network (stake presidency, other bishops) asking for advice. Some bishops are discreet when doing this and others name the individuals.

While it seems basic, I recently had a counselor in a bishopric who didn't think gay people could get a temple recommend, that there's a zero-tolerance policy. That is an attitude that is outdated by a couple of decades, but it shows that people need to learn that simply existing as a gay or trans person doesn't automatically mean we are committing great sins.

I do find it interesting there appears to have been quite a few queer individuals in his ward, at least 4 or 5, and reading between the lines it seems they all stopped attending.

The bishop's heart is in the right place. I get he's following the Church leaders and that limits some of what he can do for queer people in his ward. I think his perspective primarily is of making the parents feel more welcome in the ward and not ostracized for having queer kids.

————————————————————

The second article in the Liahona is written by a person with same-sex attraction and his work to overcome the shame he felt.

It's a much better article than the one written by the bishop. This person shares about the shame they felt at having gay feelings and working with a therapist to overcome that shame. He shares 3 lessons that helped him with this process.

1) God and Jesus love and accept him as he is. This is a message that doesn't often get conveyed to queer members and it's important they know this.

2) The Atonement of Jesus Christ offers healing. At first he was wanting the Atonement to cure him of being gay, but instead it helped him be healed of the shame he felt. I hear so many members who think the Atonement can change us from gay to straight, and that's not true. I'm glad he made this distinction. Our Heavenly Parents don't view being gay or trans as something that needs to be cured. I wish that message was taught more openly in the Church.

3) Build deeper connections and show compassion. Loneliness and feeling like you don't belong at church are two of the most troubling aspects an LGBTQ+ person has to deal with if they are active in the LDS Church. Developing close friendships will help with that. Also, queer people tend to be more compassionate than the average person and I believe it's because of the experiences we had to deal with of living in a heteronormative world that isn't made for us.

He includes a few useful tips at the end on how to engage with queer people.

All in all, a much better story than the one written by the bishop. He shared part of how it feels to be a gay member of this church, the idea that he should be ashamed for who he is, that being gay isn’t a burden, that he doesn't fit in.

I appreciated he said this is part of his layers of identity and at the core of his identity is that we're children of heavenly parents. That's more nuanced than the apostles who reject being gay has anything to do with identity and our only identity should be a child of God.

————————————————————

The final story is from For the Strength of Youth. This piece seems like it's written by a queer person, but it's anonymous and given as general advice to show that people with same-sex attraction belong at church.

This article makes 3 main points. The first is that God loves you. That's true, although accompanying quotes to back up this principle aren't specifically about queer people.

The second point is "you belong." All sorts of people attend church, and God is no respecter of persons. Then they have a quote from Elder L. Whitney Clayton that people with same-sex attraction are welcome to come to church. To me, he's an odd choice to give this message as he led the Church's fight in California on Prop 8 to make gay marriage illegal again. Words aren't enough. Saying I'm welcome is not the same as making a welcoming climate.

The third point is that God will help you. They include a quote from Laura F. who experiences same-sex attraction. She writes about prayer, scripture study, temple and church attendance. However, she also says she doesn't know what her life will look like in 20 years, she seems to be leaving open the possibility her journey with God will lead her to romance and out of the church. I thought that was very honest and important.

————————————————————

I found it noteworthy that nowhere in these 3 articles does it say being alone and celibate is good and what God wants.

I appreciate the idea that we can make our local congregations less homophobic/transphobic. The suggestions from the bishops shows that the bar is pretty low and it doesn't take much to make an improvement from how things are now.

The voices of the two gay members was important, what they shared was useful but nuanced, didn't make commitments to staying in the church long-term or testify that what the church requires is what God wants for them.

Even so, it's clear the publisher is very careful. They use "same-sex attraction" so often, I think readers would be surprised the preferred term of most same-sex attracted people would be gay, bi or lesbian. While they addressed some things, like homophobic/transphobic comments, feeling shame & not fitting in, I think they largely skated past the things that make queer people decide that this church isn't for them.

There's a part of me that says I'm glad we're having this conversation in the Church magazines, but another part that says this is too sanitized and doesn't get at the heart of things. These are very hopeful messages that make it seem that queer people could easily choose to stay in church if a few adjustments were made and if they only understood God loves them, which avoids the "doctrine" that excludes queer people from the highest blessings and joys and makes us essentially second-class citizens in the kingdom of God, at least according to our church.

[blessedarethebinarybreakers]

do you have any quotes/resources on how mental illness is not a sin? a friend of a friend has recently joined fundamentalist church-bordering-on-cult and the church teaches that mental illness is a sin, and they have adopted that belief. my friend is very worried about them but they are not christian themself and are lacking in resources.

Ugh ach, I am so sorry your friend’s friend has been sucked into such a group. I pray they’re able to find something more life-giving soon. 

Mental illness is not a sin. How could it be, when it’s not something any of us intentionally takes on? More often what I hear from ableist Christians is that mental illness is some sort of “punishment” for sin -- but that is also absolutely not true. It’s an unfortunate aspect of living in a world that is so full of suffering and oppression. 

In some cases, mental illness is nobody’s fault -- it’s an illness! In other cases, if you’re looking for someone or something to “blame” for a mental illness, blame the systems that force people into situations so stressful or painful that it creates unhealthy pathways in their brain and so on.    (Persons in marginalized communities, from BIPOC to poor people to LGBT folks, are much more likely to experience mental illness because the stress and stigma of how the injustices they face traumatically impact their mental wellbeing. That’s no fault of theirs -- that’s on our social systems!) 

God has so much compassion for those of us who experience mental illness. And by compassion I mean the root of the word -- “co-suffering”: God feels our pain with us. God is with us in it, not judging us but going through it at our side. 

And God calls all of us to show that same compassion and solidarity with people with mental illnesses of all kinds -- especially the ones that are particularly stigmatized in our society. Xe also calls us all to work to remove the structures, systems, and stigmas that lead to suffering.

When churches go with the “mental illness is a sin / a punishment,” they’re taking the easy way out. It’s far easier to condemn and reject people with mental illnesses than to engage in the long hard work of sticking with them and supporting them. It’s far easier to tell them they’re just not praying enough and that’s why they’re still sick, than to actually help them get the resources they need.

If your brand of Christianity insists that we always have to be happy and hopeful, that “proof” of faith in God = worldly prosperity, including health, then the fact of mental illness and other illnesses & disabilities is uncomfortable, because it exposes the falsehood of your mentality. You have to blame the victim, or admit that your assumption that “bad things only happen to bad people” is wrong -- and therefore that you could get sick too; that you could be as faithful to God as you can and something bad could still happen to you. 

If you like books, I have two recommendations for you: 

the first is Barbara Brown Taylor’s Learning to Walk in the Dark, which combats that “Christian faith = never suffering mentality, which she calls “full solar Christianity,” with her “lunar spirituality” that makes room for God in the midst of pain. You can read a pdf of one of my fave chapters here. 

Second is Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I’ve Loved by Kate Bowler. She’s a Christian who followed that “full solar” prosperity gospel type Christianity -- until she got diagnosed with stage four cancer and realized that kind of faith could offer her nothing in the face of such suffering. While her’s is a physical illness, she also discusses mental illness. 

And if you prefer podcasts to books, Kate Bowler’s Everything Happens podcast follows the same themes as her book and is seriously amazing!

And for some more resources on this topic...

“Confessions of a Depressed Pastor” is a beautiful article for any Christian who’s been told there’s something wrong with them for having a mental illness. 

I have a sermon on John 9′s “Who sinned that this man was born blind?” reading -- basically, Jesus in John 9 tells us that disability isn’t the result of sin; it’s not a punishment! That includes mental illness, not just the blindness specific to the Gospel text. 

I have some YouTube videos that relate to mental illness and/or trauma and/or disability -- a sermon titled “God in the midst of our trauma and protest”; a reflection called “why does God allow suffering?”; a video called “Executive function, Jesus, and Elijah”;  a video on “COVID19 Grief: naming trauma and finding balance”

You might also find some more helpful stuff wandering through my #mental illness and health tag. 

For example, here’s a post with some mental health resources. It’s not shameful or wrong to reach out for help -- please, please do if/when you need it. Human beings are fashioned to live in community, in interdependence with one another. Allow God to work in your life through psychologists, therapists, friends, and other support systems <3

[c-ptsdrecovery]

1. They behave unethically.

According to clinical psychologist Ryan Howes, Ph.D, “Any signs that therapy is moving from a professional and empathic relationship to a romantic one should be considered a bright red flag.” (He recommended reading this page for more information.)

But unethical behavior isn’t just sexual advances. It also includes “violations of confidentiality or financial wrongdoings” and offensive comments, said Joyce Marter, LCPC, a therapist and owner of the counseling practice Urban Balance. For instance, a friend of Marter’s had an already-pricey therapist who charged his clients while he was on vacation. In graduate school, Marter had an initial consult with a therapist who made a racist remark. She never went back.

2. They ignore confidentiality and emergency protocol.

Therapists should have you complete an intake form to provide information in case of an emergency, said Jeffrey Sumber, M.A., a psychotherapist, author and teacher. Similarly, every therapist should discuss your rights with you, including the times when they are required by law to break confidentiality, Sumber said. (You’ll also need to sign the confidentiality agreement.)

3. They don’t specialize in your issue.

Hibbert, an expert in postpartum mental health, regularly sees the devastating results from lack of expertise. For instance, she’s seen new moms hospitalized for a month because their clinicians believed they were psychotic. In actuality, they had postpartum obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is nonthreatening and treatable with therapy and medication, she said.

Find clinicians who are trained in what you’re struggling with, she said. Some therapists may simply have exposure in a particular disorder, instead of expertise, said Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Living with Depression.

She suggested asking specific questions about certificates, diplomas and experience. For instance, when you ask “How many clients have you treated with depression?” you don’t want to hear ‘a handful,’ you want to hear ‘dozens or hundreds,’” she said.

Because she doesn’t have training in substance abuse or eating disorders, Serani refers individuals with these issues to colleagues who do. “Good therapists always know the limits of their expertise,” Serani said. Even if you are seeing an expert in the field, don’t be afraid to seek a second opinion, Hibbert added.

4. Their recommendations go against your beliefs.

Hibbert works with members of her church and has heard of clinicians making suggestions that conflict with their beliefs and values. “A good therapist should work within your own value system,” she said.

5. They dodge your questions.

“Therapists don’t answer every question,” said Howes, who also authors the blog “In Therapy.” That’s because the focus is on you. However, they should answer reasonable questions clearly and directly, he said. These questions can be “general get-to-know-you questions to anything pertaining to treatment.”

Howes gave these examples: “Where are you from? What interested you [to] this line of work? Did you have a nice vacation? How long have you been in practice? Do you have experience with my issue? What do you recommend we do to treat this problem? How do you think therapy is going? How do you feel about our relationship?”

6. They over-share.

On the other hand, Howes said, “some therapists share too much about their own life, drawing attention to themselves and potentially pulling you in to take care of them.” He noted that every disclosure a clinician makes should benefit you in some way. (“You’re always welcome to ask how their story helps you,” he added.)

“A good therapist knows boundaries, keeps personal issues tucked away and always strives to make the session treatment productive for their client,” Serani said.

7. You feel worse after your session – regularly.

“This might happen on occasion, even with a therapist that you love, but if it’s happening all the time, then something is not right,” Hibbert said.

8. You feel judged, shamed or emotionally unsafe.

According to Marter, this includes anything a therapist might say or do, such as rolling their eyes. Marter stopped seeing a therapist because of a similar experience.

I saw a therapist for a few months who came highly recommended but seemed to hold a magnifying glass to all of my issues. I felt worse. I talked with her about it and felt even more pathologized. I was confused about whether she was just helping me see my “stuff” and I was being defensive, but made the choice to tell her I needed to end our work together. It turns out, this was the beginning of me setting healthy boundaries for myself and also led to my finding a therapist with whom I feel completely safe and positively regarded, even when we are processing my less than desirable aspects of self.

9. They’re a lousy listener.

While a therapist might not remember minute details, they should remember key facts about you and your concerns. According to Howes:

Not every therapist will remember your dog’s name, where you went to high school, and your favorite breakfast cereal every week. But they should recall your name and what brought you to therapy in the first place. If you feel like you’re constantly replaying your first session to help them help you better, you may want to take your business elsewhere.

10. They disrupt the session.

This includes answering phone calls — unless there’s an emergency — texting or even falling asleep. As Serani said, “A good therapist makes you the only focus.”

11. You just don’t feel “right.”

Howes and Hibbert stressed the importance of trusting your gut. “Sometimes there is no obvious reason — you just don’t feel it’s right,” Hibbert said. According to Howes:

If you feel like something isn’t right in your first phone call or initial session, this may be a bad sign. Some discomfort is a normal part of therapy, just as seeing a personal trainer isn’t always comfortable, but if you feel uncomfortable to the point of dreading or avoiding sessions, you may want to keep looking.

As Duffy said, “you should also feel comfortable in the atmosphere, physically, spiritually and emotionally, that your therapist provides.”

Of course, therapists may make mistakes. They’re only human. Marter shared a story about a friend’s beloved therapist forgetting their appointment. The therapist walked into the waiting room — in her home office — wearing a robe and slippers 15 minutes after their session was supposed to start. The therapist was surprised to see her client, but she was extremely apologetic. “Such human mistakes should be processed directly and can be opportunities for growth,” Marter said.

Finding a good therapist with the expertise you need isn’t easy. But paying attention to these red flags can give you some guidance on when to walk away, and continue looking for a therapist who is right for you.

[technicolordeams]

June 7, 2020

“I'm the girl nobody knows until she commits suicide. Then suddenly everyone had a class with her.” -  Tom Leveen, Party

This has been my status on discord for about a month now. It just feels too relevant to me at these times.

I know I said I was going to update my blog back in May, but it’s taken me until now to get to doing it. Things have been hectic both with me and in the world. I am dealing with emotional trauma still (But I’m not going to talk about it on here. I do not feel safe enough to do so and I’m going to keep it to myself, my therapists, parents, and pastors at my church. Maybe two other people that I know too. Some people know that something went down with me recently but I won’t spread it around anymore. I’d rather not deal with anything... But it has caused me to have renewed trauma from when I was growing up. Surprisingly I don’t have an association with a girl I considered my best friend for seven years who turned out to be a pathological liar and manipulator. I guess I was able to get closure with that one and just be done with it. But the ones from before that... It just brings those back up. Anyways, I won’t go into any further detail about that in this blog.)

So I’ll try to summarize things a bit... But I’ve never been good at keeping things short. xD 

First off, in November of 2019 I started having really bad pains in my stomach. Just... horrific pain. (Before this started, I was working getting a job with the aid of a job coach.) I landed in the ER a total of 4 times, could have been 5 but that fit wasn’t as bad and went away after a couple hours. But in December after my 3rd ER visit to get pain relief and more testing... and some morphine (sorry but this stuff was good. But I know limitations and wasn’t going to the ER for it. It was strictly to ease the pain so I could rest) I had a couple tests done... I FINALLY got an x-ray of my stomach and it showed I had a slightly inflamed gallbladder. Before this, the nurse that was working with me and my parents just believed I was having constipation and I was being too sedentary. That miffed me big time. I remember coming home one day from shopping for groceries and such that my mom was just telling me off about how I need to exercise more... (I have a fear that is ingrained in my head over exercising. Thanks Children’s ED center.) I just went to my room, no lights, didn’t take my jacket off at all, just curled up on my bed and cried as quietly as I could even though I wanted to wail. I was sick of people not believing me when things aren’t going right with my body and I have been mistreated for many things. I didn’t want to hear this from my parents. There was something wrong and I needed help. I did end up getting a HIDA scan after meeting with a surgeon who said the x-ray wasn’t enough proof that there was something wrong and didn’t want to do anything drastic that possibly won’t help me. But I got the HIDA scan which confirmed that there was something wrong with my gallbladder and on my birthday (Horray horray. Legit though I was so happy) I was approved for surgery to get it removed. The surgeon cut my gallbladder open and found A LOT of small gallstones. He was kind of shocked. Over all of this... I lost probably 10lbs? max? Either way, enough to be concerning to me. Now I’m using this experience to get my parents to actually freaking listen to me when I say I’m having problems and that it needs addressed as quickly as possible and quit dragging your damn feet and believe ME.

Also from the surgery, they had to put a breathing tube down my throat. But something happened and has caused me to have chronic coughing fits where I couldn’t even breathe without coughing. And because of my phobia of throwing up, I didn’t want to eat so I started to restrict for a while. Lots of testing was done to figure out what was wrong there... I got an asthma test and it showed that I had a breathing abnormality but the ENT doctor the day before gave me steroids to help. Said it wouldn’t affect my asthma test the next day. It did. :) Had to wait until May to get retested and another test done. The steroids did help for a while... But getting to that point I had been seeing my regular doctor and he gave me a stronger cough medicine that gave me auditory hallucinations... That was terrifying. So I quit that. Was put on another cough medicine that had a controlled substance in it to suppress my cough. It helped... but not enough. In the end since I didn’t want to wait until May to get tested, my doctor got me an inhaler. It actually has helped a lot. I still cough, but it’s not to the gagging/can’t breathe point anymore. I was very scared and stressed and made my dad take me to get lots of tests. Even speech therapist. Due to the covid-19 threat though, I have been heavily isolating myself at home and my asthma test that I was supposed to get last month got canceled/put off to a later date. So I’m stuck paying for an inhaler at full price because insurance is a dick. Anyways that’s that...

In April, I got a puppy. I finally got a dog that I had been thinking about for months and praying for... His name is Echo and he is a yellow lab. The first couple weeks were absolute hell. He would get up at random hours of the night and needs constant supervision. He’s almost 4 months now, but he’s still very much a puppy. He knows sit, stand, down, looks at me if I call his name with a treat in my hand so he’s recognizing his name... And sometimes off when he will listen. I have plenty of bite marks on my hands and stuff xD I had to have an extreme learning curve on how to take care of him. He doesn’t have accidents in the house as much as before, he will usually indicate he needs to go potty by sniffing around and pacing or going to the door and looking at me like, ‘human. I must defecate.’ xD And he’s got quite the attitude. Which I don’t mind as long as he’s not ripping my clothes or biting me or jumping at me. Dad has stepped in to help me during the mornings take care of him since I’m not sleeping well. Which has helped me out a lot. He’s doubled in size already and I’m so happy with how he’s acting for the most part. The past couple days this past week we’ve learned how the hose works and how to have fun in it since it’s so hot outside. (Also learned I’m allergic to grass. Yay.) But there were several days where I was so stressed and scared that I couldn’t keep up with him and take care of him and I’d have to give him away... But I already invested so much money in him and time and have already fallen in love with him, I won’t give him up. Right now he’s sleeping under my desk as I write this post. Lots of the time though I have to force myself to pretend to be happy and praise him and play with him and teach him what to do and what not to... And it’s emotionally exhausting. Especially this past week.

I had a couple triggers the past two weeks. One was a possible fractured toe from jamming it super hard into the corner of my desk... Another I was woken to Echo making a horrific gagging noise that scared the shit out of me. Then I’ve been working with a grief counselor this past month in addition to regular therapy (obviously over video chat because of infection chances...) for extra support. Thankfully it’s pro bono so I don’t have to pay anything and neither does any of my insurances. But while working on a section in my WRAP plan (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) there was a part where I just started shutting down and falling apart. The Crisis Plan. “This is what I look like when I’m well:” That is where everything started falling apart. It has been like 7 months since I have felt well at all. I can identify what it looks like when things get too bad to handle on my own for the most part... but when I was asked about if my behavior endangers or has negative effects on me or others I want my supporters to... I locked up. I realized I do not really have anyone who I can go to for any sort of help. My therapist is the only one I can go to really about anything, but I can’t get the amount of help that I need from just her. She has told me that if there was no virus threat and that I was in a different city, she would recommend me to go to a mental health program there... That’s how bad I’ve gotten. 

In December my suicidal thoughts have sprung back up and I have withdrawn slowly and then faster from everyone. My parents don’t know how to handle me when I’m dealing with emotional distress... They are not very knowledgeable about mental illnesses and are pretty cold to emotional reactions. Sometimes mean. I love them very much yes and I know they would do whatever they could to help me... but when I need support from them specifically, things just go downhill. And I no longer have people I consider friends online anymore. I don’t feel safe to call anyone that right now. A girl from my church who was also in the Bible study I was attending before covid hit has been trying to reach out to me. Her and another lady at church are the only ones really actually reaching out to me. My pastor only stepped back into the picture after I posted asking for prayer for me since I called the suicide hotline the night before. And the things he has said to me already have been rather infuriating. Which makes me feel resentful towards the church I’m attending. That and the fact that nobody else actually reaches out to me at all. I know life has been thrown upside down and many have their own families with small children and such... It just feels very two-faced sometimes. I know that’s my distorted thinking kicking in as well... But it’s there and nobody’s around to disprove it. I am very grateful for the one girl who has been trying hard to reach out to me and encourage and just be there, but I know she knows little about the world and the crap in it and has experienced much if it first hand so far. But God bless her she really does try and care. My therapist has talked with my pastor after I signed a release form for her to do so and my parents have also talked to him about me last week. I have yet to hear from him since then though. They are busy though I know trying to figure out how to deal with this covid crap and how to manage the church so people who can’t go physically can still be sort of included...But I just don’t know if I want to go for a while. 

But yeah. While I have been dealing with the loss of my entire online friend group and then being harassed on facebook and only seeing horrible news about covid and people insulting different people and politicians and crap on there... I disabled it for a while. I posted that I was going to do that several hours before I did and told people to message me if they wanted to keep contact with me somehow... Maybe two people did. Granted I had only 69 people on my friends list and a good chunk were family members from the Philippines and don’t usually speak english... I do feel better about not being on it though. The first couple days when I woke up I’d automatically go to fb to look at my notifications and silly stories that I’d get recommended, but after that I felt complete relief. I did get into a bit of an argument about two weeks or so before I decided to do this with a childhood friend I had... She just irritated me... Making it sound like she shouldn’t be forced to stay in like people higher in risk of infection/death because she was healthy and yada yada... Not going to argue on here. I just realized fb is just a toxic social media outlet and I didn’t want to be a part of it. I’m especially glad I got off of it while I did before the rioting happened. I would rather not have my timeline flooded with it. 

Oh yeah, we did get rioting here where I live. Actually 10min away from where I live. That was scary the first couple nights. First night I was home alone with Echo when it started going down while my parents were at work. Thankfully though, our mayor put in a curfew and my parents’ work was closed down at exactly 5pm for EVERYONE. Including employees. Dad had to work on barricading one entrance way in case of looting. Sent me pictures of what he had to do... it was surreal. Not only do we need to be afraid of covid but now hostile people. (Note: I do NOT condone what those police officers did. They are getting punished heavily I assume. If anything, we shouldn’t have been rioting but instead having a vigil in honor for the man killed. Protesting is fine too. But when it becomes violent... I don’t agree with it. That’s just me though. Anyways enough political crap. I don’t want to discuss it on here.) The past two nights the mayor put up a curfew again for two days but two hours later than before (8pm) just to be on the safe side. My parents’ work has gone back to normal hours today. I did go out yesterday to get some groceries and medicine I needed. My car’s A/C has died. That was two hours of hell. 

But yeah...uhm... The depression has increased this past week. Actually... a couple weeks before that. I had a meltdown over Echo chewing through the wire of my drawing tablet... I had it still hooked up even though I can’t draw anymore (Long story... recent bunch of trauma related reasons) because of trauma and also lazy to get in the back of my computer to unplug it. And sort of hope that I might pick it back up again... But that destroyed me that night. I wasn’t mad at him for doing it. He’s a baby he doesn’t know anything. It was my fault for not paying attention and taking a bit more care with those wires. Dad was able to fix it though. But I can’t look at it. That same night I received a text from a friend I made in treatment that I love to death... Telling me that she had just got home from being hospitalized and then placed in a psych ward after trying to commit suicide. I think I broke then. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to process very much emotion... Sleep has become very bad... I fell asleep in my chair a few nights ago. Last week was the first time I’ve been able to have any sort of reaction to emotion aside from a heavy depression... I need a big trigger to happen so that I can finally release these emotions inside because it just won’t come, but I feel it waiting behind a thick glass wall in my head. I’ve even started watching movies and shows that would scare me normally and would avoid just from reading the premise or a trailer. I don’t really get much feeling from it (aside from the one night I watched the new Carrie movie and I had to take Echo out at night and it was foggy and very spooky). 

I think I’ll leave this here now and be done for a bit... I’ve written quite a lot and I’m sure very few people know of it’s existence and will look. But at least I’ve finally gotten some of it out... somewhere... Hopefully Echo will let me take a nap in a little bit. I would like to talk about my eating disorder at some point and how I’ve been since I got out of the treatment facilities in 2018 and maybe some other things. Been watching a bunch of videos of different mental illnesses because I’ve been running into a lot of people with them and I want to be able to at least know what’s it about and how to be a better person towards them and also not offend anyone so nobody goes off on me again.

[uglyducklingpresse]

Backlist Bulletin #7: TV Sutras

Catching the zeal for Dodie Bellamy’s The TV Sutras was slow at first, and then total. I grazed tentatively through the first half of the book, which is made up of 78 sutras, or aphorisms of received spiritual knowledge. In the preceding note, “The Source of the Transmission,” Bellamy claims that her process was not an attempt at “irony, cleverness or perfection — or art. The TV Sutras are totally in-the-moment sincere, even if that sincerity makes me cringe afterwards” (14). The text challenged my modes of reading; the sutras aren’t poems, but I wasn’t sure that I should internalize them as honest advice. The received knowledge, after all, was transmitted via television broadcast and written into the form of an ancient Indian scripture. In an interview with David Buuck, Bellamy cites Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, a book of aphorisms on the practice and theory of yoga, as the base for her form, and a bad therapist who recommended yoga and meditation at home as a catalyst.

For each day of her 78-day sutra practice, Bellamy includes both a divinely inspired soundbite and its human-filtered interpretation. Both parts reach into their own well of images: for the sutras, a broader cultural subconscious as refracted through the commercials and melodramas of daytime television; for the commentaries, the store of spiritual language within Bellamy herself:

#16

Who says you have to have 12 periods a year on the pill.

Montage of young women repeating, “Who says.”

COMMENTARY

Each of us progresses, unfolds at our own speed. There is no set route. Acknowledge and follow your own rhythm. Trust your own experience/authority over societal expectations/programmatic doctrine.

— p.32

The commentary reflects central concerns of the book: how subjective experience is located in time, how spiritual authority is conferred, what boundary we can possibly draw between self and culture. In the essay that follows, “Cultured,” Bellamy unwinds the spiritual autobiography that formed the conduit to these sutras — in particular, she discusses her ten years as a member of a New Age cult. Dodie as narrator recounts events in a chatty, semi-fictionalized, often otherworldly manner, laced with fantasy.

Bellamy grabs hold of pieces of memory, allowing them to glisten with the sense of bliss found in her spiritual devotion. On a trip to Jacksonville, Florida, for a cult convention — Dodie’s first trip out of the midwest — she describes a potted plant: “a series of waxy green banana peels stacked one inside the other, and from the center pokes a trumpet of magenta, too intensely magenta for this world, its ‘petals’ sharply pointed — like razors — the incandescent dentate of an alien vagina” (111). Images of “other realms” and archetypal spiritual authority are superimposed over her young adult life. Delusion and euphoria bounce off of each other: “With my Teacher/sixth initiate boyfriend, high in the air, surrounded by treetops and light, life from then on would be one long spiritual retreat; I’d be like one of those ancient naked yogis who lives on a platform on stilts, wooden fence all around to hide his enlightened cock and balls as he waves to his devotees” (136). If the first section of the book is an even-paced, methodical, and procedural sequence, the second part is an unfurling, spiraling, high-entropy revelation. It is delicious prose, like listening to someone you love gossip. I eat it up and I’ll believe anything she says.

Throughout “Cultured,” memories work like sutras, accessed as the smallest possible unit that holds itself together, “terse, easily memorized, but […] intended to be expanded and explained” (207). Bellamy writes, “I’m reminded of the way that anyone from my past is reduced to a discrete set of images — and one fragment will emerge” (207). Memory is encountered from a new vantage point, again and again.

*

I want to convince everyone I know to read this book. If I told everyone that it was about cults, charisma, abuse of power, desire, sex, and bliss, everyone would read it. I put my head down when cultists in the subway station offer me literature, but I want to know who they are and what their lives are like. Sometimes they look at you with gentle ease spread across their faces, sometimes alarming concern for your soul. I remember being a Christian mega-church attending pre-teen filled with desire to bring everyone into the envelope of love I’d found in my bible study group. Years later, I still answer the door and talk to the evangelists about the Lord for too long, before my roommate makes me politely move on with a fake obligation. Faith — even others’ faith — can be so bright. I know better.

In the beginning of “Cultured,” Dodie is in a nail salon where Oprah is playing in the background, airing an investigative montage on Tony Alamo, an apocalyptic cult leader and sexual abuser. Last month, I watched a new documentary on Bikram Yoga in which toned and optimistic women gleefully enmesh themselves into a pyramid scheme/fitness club, under a verbally and sexually abusive leader. Like in Dodie’s cult, where a plagiarism scandal rocks the foundations of their leader’s authority, the appropriation of Eastern spiritual traditions into an American profit machine is foundational. The drama of the cult is consumable because it allows us to see an intensification of commonplace power dynamics, made into something recognizably perverse.

*

In Barf Manifesto (UDP, 2010), Bellamy celebrates writing that moves through the body and makes a mess, through a discussion of Eileen Myles’ essay “Everyday Barf.” Of this aesthetic, Bellamy writes:

The Barf is an upheaval, born of our hangover from imbibing too much Western Civ. The Barf is reflective, each delivery calls forth a framing, the Barf is expansive as the Blob, swallowing and recontextualizing, spreading out and engorging. Its logic is associative, it proceeds by chords rather than single, discrete notes. Hierarchies jumble in the thrill, in the imperatives of purge.

— p. 32

“Cultured” unfolds in this logic. After Bellamy disentangles herself from the cult, the same patterns resurface in different forms — in her entry into an experimental writing scene in San Francisco of the 1980s, specifically the “cult of New Narrative” to which she belonged, in the endless options for spiritual healing she engages in, in the pyramid scheme of teaching creative writing professionally. In this jumble, the draw of a charismatic spiritual leader who makes it all cohere is strong. But those figures are counterbalanced by moments of meditative clarity, the internal authority of Bellamy’s “bullshit meter,” her perception. Each paragraph delves into one of these modes, building on one another until they reach a crescendo. As she remembers sitting in a park with her girlfriend in Bloomington, Indiana, Bellamy writes, “No one told me that moving closer into what I perceived on a daily basis, the swingness of the swing, was the key to spiritual writing.” (230)

Towards the end of the essay, the “I” becomes increasingly destabilized, moving fluidly between the perspective of Dodie and a charismatic, frenetic guru alter-ego. The TV Sutras creates fertile ground for a curious, shifting perspective, allowing both writer and reader to enact the roles of spiritual leader and acolyte. As Bellamy writes, “The sutra process is the opposite of accepting things as they are, highlighting instead the instability of knowing.” (207)

— Paige Parsons

TV Sutras is available directly through Ugly Duckling Presse (here), through our Partner Bookstores (here), and through Small Press Distribution (here). Purchases made directly through Ugly Duckling Presse on March 6th are 50% off, use discount code CHARISMA at checkout.

The backlist bulletin is a column on titles from UDP’s back catalogue, curated and written by Apprentices.

[mothric]

Hi, friend! This is kind of a weird question, but I know you deal with a lot of mental struggles specifically relating to Christianity, (If that makes sense,) and I have a Thing: I'm almost 21. I'm coming up on 16 years of being best friends with this girl, and in the past few months, ai've started to realize that the friendship is really toxic for me, so I've been trying to disentangle myself from her for the sake of my mental health. (1/2 hopefully)

My problem is, I keep feeling like that isn’t Scriptural. Like, nowhere in Scripture does it encourage you to walk away from toxic/abusive situations. You’re encouraged to love, to give without worrying about what you get in return, (Which sounds an awful lot like supporting them even when you know you can’t lean on them,) and to “value others as greater than yourself.” If your neighbor asks for your cloak, give them your coat, (visa versa?) Etc. (2/3)

So I feel guilty and selfish about trying to get out of the situation, like I’m not really showing God’s love. But it was affecting my mental health to the point where it was affecting my physical health. And she has depression, anxiety, etc. Which just makes me feel WORSE, because I don’t want to abandon her, but it also feels like she’s extremely manipulative. We haven’t spoken in over a week, but her birthday is coming up tomorrow. Part of me wants to message her happy birthday, (¾)

While the other part of me thinks that’ll just be opening the door for the cycle to start all over again. And part of me feels like I should LET it, because as a Christian, it’s my responsibility to show God’s love without putting myself first. It’s just got me very worried, so I wanted to message you. Sorry this is so long! (4/4) 

Hi there friend,

I apologize in advance, this is going to be a very long answer, as there is a lot to unpack. But I’ve been in similar situations so this hits close to home, and I really want to share what God has been teaching me in this area.

the tl;dr is, no, you are not in the wrong for walking away from an abusive relationship, even as a Christian. and there is Scripture to support it.

Firstly, I’m really sorry to hear your friend doesn’t treat you lovingly and that your relationship has deteriorated to this point. It is always a sad thing to lose someone we love, especially when that loss comes from the realization that they aren’t good for you or good to you. It is really difficult to see toxic behaviours for what they are when we love someone, because we want to believe the best of them. I’m proud of you for recognizing these things and acknowledging that you yourself have a limit.

You say that there is no Scripture that encourages walking away from, or breaking off, abusive situations. Allow me to provide some evidence to the contrary:

“Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.” (Prov. 22:24-25) 

“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.” (Matt. 18:15-17)

“As for a person who stirs up division, after warning him once and then twice, have nothing more to do with him, knowing that such a person is warped and sinful; he is self-condemned.” (Titus 3:10-11)

“If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” (Rom. 12:18)

“A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” (Prov. 15:4)

This is just scratching the surface, my friend. There are plenty more passages that address unhealthy relationships, condemn unloving behaviour, acknowledge the pain of being on the receiving end of harmful words and actions, and speak to the reciprocity of real love. The Bible may never outright say the words “emotional abuse” or “toxic relationship”, but you can see even from these few passages that there is meant to be a standard for the way Christians treat each other, and there is a limit on tolerating divisive, abusive behaviour. Especially from people who say they love Christ.

Let me ask you this: Did God command David, in the Old Testament, to just sit and accept the abuse he received from King Saul? Did God condemn David for fleeing for his life? Did God condemn Jonathan for standing up to his abusive father or for helping his best friend escape him? 

Let me also ask you this: Will an abusive person recognize their harmful behaviour if such behaviour is silently tolerated? Is it actually loving, on your end, to enable an abusive person to continue in the same cycles, again and again, never addressing it? Frankly put: is it loving to let someone continue in sin, especially when they are harming somebody else?

The love of Christ should shape the way we treat other people, and that includes the way your friend treats you. But what will she learn if a line is never drawn, if she is never told “this is unacceptable and I cannot tolerate it”? If your friend thinks it is okay to treat you this way, how many others will she treat this way? And how can you, with a spirit consistently crushed and poisoned by abuse and manipulation, drained of your resources, keep giving to others out of what you don’t have, when you are giving yourself no opportunity to rest?

Yes, the Scriptures demand that we forgive everyone who wrongs us. But please do not confuse forgiveness for enabling, or being a doormat. Your relationship, as it stands, is one-sided and unsustainable. Paul says to live peaceably with others as far as it depends on you, and your friend has not allowed there to be peace in your relationship. The last thing she needs is continued affirmation that treating you the way she does is okay. What she needs is somebody who is willing to tell her she needs help, professional help, more help than you can give her. What she needs is the truth. 

I’m not saying you should go in with a laundry list of every way she’s ever wronged you – that can stir up resentment and push her even farther away from seeking real help. It rarely helps to tell a toxic person they are toxic, they need to come to that realization themselves, in increments, with good counseling or therapy. But perhaps this realization, for your friend, must begin with you, lovingly and firmly drawing a line and saying, “no more of this.” 

It is very normal to feel guilty and selfish in a situation like this. This is especially true if your friend has made you feel like you’re responsible for her in some way. The truth is, you are not her doctor, therapist, or caretaker. And you are not God! You are not responsible for her health, her emotions, or her recovery. She is responsible for the body and mind God gave her, and you are responsible for yours. The Bible says to uphold one another in love. And sometimes, friend… love means saying no to someone else, for both��their benefit and yours.

If you’re still feeling doubtful, this article puts it much more succinctly. Also, the book “Boundaries,” by Dr. Henry Cloud, helped me so much in this area. I highly, highly recommend it.He’s a licensed psychologist and a Christian, and he also addresses these “Christian” (but unbiblical) ideas that we tend to have about what unselfish love looks like. Setting boundaries is actually one of the most loving things you can do for others.

I’m sorry again that this was so long, but like I said, this really hit home for me. One of my parents is emotionally manipulative, and I have known more than a handful of people who were abusive to me. I have had to unlearn a lot of old ideas about what it means to love people like this, to take care of myself, and to properly steward my mind, my health, and my relationships.

I don’t know your face, friend, but I feel the love of God in my heart for you and I will be praying for you tonight. Know that you are truly loved by One who sees your pain and desires healing and wholeness for both you and your friend, and you are not in the wrong for separating from her. He will take care of her too.

Go in peace, beloved. 💜

[bfgoodridge]

Getting to Know You

It was Thursday morning. Early Thursday morning, actually. My school was having a fun day/pep rally for our students ahead of the state’s standardized testing. The vendor had arrived to set up the obstacle course, dunk tank, inflatable movie screen, etc. And to say he was an interesting dude would be a bit of an understatement.

“Are you a teacher or parent?”

I explained that I was a school counselor. He asked what led me to be a school psychologist, but potato, potahto. My specific occupation did not matter in the long run. The vendor never even asked me my name. He explained he would forget it, and gave me the nickname “Junior Teacher.”

“Junior Teacher, I need you!” “Junior Teacher, I’ll be right back.” “There you are, Junior Teacher!”

What’s-His-Name was a character. He asked where I went to college, whether I had signed a multi-year contract with my employer, recommended other schools to work for, and offered me a summer job. He even suggested other churches (of other denominations) for me to check out - highlighting their pastors and outreach ministry. Who was this guy in plaid shorts and flip-flops?

To be clear, I never asked him for recommendations on anything. I don’t think I asked him a single question. And it surprised me that I even responded with legit answers. Usually, I wouldn’t be so forthcoming with information. I like to be Starbucks-ed and dined before getting personal.

Now, this is typically the point in one of my posts where I start weaving in some biblical application. I don’t have one. Not a single verse or story comes to mind. If anything, these brief moments with What’s-His-Name was some sort of opportunity for self-reflection.

Do you live with mom and dad? Why not?

Did you have a summer job last year? Why not?

Are you coming back next year?

Don’t give up on ministry (i.e. being a pastor)

Again, What’s-His-Name was doing all the talking. It wasn’t as if I decided to make this stranger my therapist. I just chose to be transparent with him. And maybe it was because he was a stranger that I felt I could be more open with him, which led me to be more open with myself.

It would be easy to write off What’s-His-Name’s questioning as intrusive. I could say it would have been better for him to mind his own business. But I think we’re all in need of a little questioning every now and then. A chance to reflect on who we are and why we do what we do:

Why am I a Seventh-day Adventist, and what do I look for in a church

Why do I want to be a school counselor, and for how long?

How do I feel about being 28 years old and single?

What are the areas in my life where I want to grow and see change?

Taking the time to understand who we are can help us recognize what is of personal importance. Each of us is a What’s-His Name, What’s-Her-Deal, and What-Do-You-Want. In the big picture, we will remain curiosities to the people around us - unanswered questions to strangers. That is both okay and expected, so long as you are not a stranger to yourself.

If you haven’t taken some personal time for reflection, do it. Go for a walk. Grab a seat at Starbucks or from the comfort of your living room. Take the time for getting to know yourself.

[queertheology]

Faith Based Activism Starter Kit

When I was 21, a conversation with my parents about health insurance devolved into an argument about my queerness.

I had come out as gay three years earlier and they had a mixed response. They checked a few of the right boxes: they were quick to assure me that I was still their son, they made it clear they would still help me with college, they loved me and wanted me to be happy. But they also had their stumbles: they asked that I go see a Christian counselor, they never asked about my dating life, they were uncomfortable  talking about anything LGBT.

So I waited.

I did what I thought was the “good Christian thing” to do: I was patient and gracious. I tried to not ruffle any feathers (though I did have a few outbursts of frustration). I was “giving them time and space” for their “process.”

And then three years later we were sitting in the kitchen arguing about whether it was OK for gay people to be camp counselors and youth leaders, whether gay relationships were valid, whether anyone even expected gay people to get married in the first place. And I realized, in that moment, that they hadn’t changed. My parents were, for the most part, in the exact same spot they were three years ago when I came out.

All of my grace and patience and gentle reading suggestions and subtle attempts to talk about LGBTQ topics had done nothing. My parents hadn’t changed because, frankly, I hadn’t asked them to. I thought I was being kind, gracious, patient; I thought I was giving them time and space. But what I was really doing was being silent, tacitly approving the status quo.

The night of that argument, when I realized that my parents hadn’t changed because I hadn’t asked them to, I also realized that if the Church and America are to change, someone is going to have to ask them to change also. And not just ask once, meekly. We are going to have to force the issue. In his Letter From A Birmingham Jail, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. explains,

“Nonviolent direct action seeks to create such a crisis and establish such creative tension that a community that has constantly refused to negotiate is forced to confront the issue.”

That day, I decided I would be an “angelic troublemaker,” as Bayard Rustin said. I applied for (and was later accepted to) Soulforce’s Equality Ride and spent 2 months studying nonviolence and theology, including in-person training with civil rights leader John Lewis, and then 2 months traveling the country engaged in activism and speaking at schools, churches, and communities around the intersections faith, justice, gender, and sexuality. In the decade since, I’ve dedicated much of my time, passion, and energy to social justice causes. I do this because of my Christian faith, not in spite of it.

I’m sure you’ve had some similar experiences. Parents who need a little more time, a church that’s still discerning their stance, pastors who have a good heart but don’t quite get it. Whether it’s around LGBTQ issues or something else like race, sexism, police brutality, Islamophobia… I bet there’s been someone in your life who is “not quite there yet” (maybe you have been that person).

And perhaps you’ve even wanted to be more active in creating change in your life, family, and community. If you have a similar stirring in your soul to do something, I see you. Here’s a bit of what I’ve learned from my past decade of faith-based LGBTQ activism.

In Romans 12, Paul says,

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God–this is your true and proper worship.”

Putting your body on the line — literally — is a spiritual act of worship.

A faith-based pursuit of justice is found throughout the Bible.

Micah tell us that what God requires is “to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.”

Amos tells us that God “hates” and “despises” religious festivals, but instead desires that “justice roll on like a river, righteousness like a never-failing stream.”

On Palm Sunday, Jesus stages a massive nonviolent direct action by riding into Jerusalem on the back of a donkey, and later that week even goes so far as to destroy property by turning over tables in the temple.

Imagine what our community, our churches, our world would look like if Christians rolled up our sleeves a little more and worked a little more fervently for the Kingdom of God, on earth as it is in heaven?

How to get started with faith-based activism

Read

Activism doesn’t happen in a vacuum and simply being LGBTQ (or loving someone who is) doesn’t automagically make you an expert (if only!). Take some time to learn about the issues you find yourself in the midst of, issues that you are connected to, issues that you can work in solidarity with. And learn from those who have gone before about the tactics that worked — and those that didn’t. Innovation is important, of course, but so is learning from those who have already been doing the work, when possible.

Here are some book recommendations to get you started:

Jesus & Nonviolence: A Third Way by Walter Wink

Jesus Acted Up by Robert Goss

Why We Can’t Wait by Martin Luther King Jr. (the published version of Letter From A Birmingham Jail)

How Nonviolence Protects The State and The Failure of Nonviolence by Peter Gelderloos

Color of Violence by INCITE! Women of Color Against Violence

The Kingdom of God Is Within You by Leo Tolstoy

When We Rise by Cleve Jones

I got my start as an activist with Soulforce, which is committed nonviolent direct action as a means of sabotaging Christian supremacy. Why nonviolence? Here’s how they put it,

It is effective for the kind of work that we do

It is open and accessible in the sense that it provides tools to everyday activists and “pre-activists”

It contains a call to action

And finally, it offers a path of personal transformation. Our goal is always first and foremost the internal healing, reconciliation, strengthening, and transformation of the individual and community.

This is the nonviolent process that I learned:

Experience the nature of the problem and be with the people most affected

Research the problem and the adversary; understand the facts and the cultural texture of where we are located

Negotiate with the adversary directly on what justice can look like

Use direct action to elicit a re-dedication to moving toward justice when negotiation fails

Use tools of communication and media to bring more people into the conversation to lean into the strength of social accountability to work towards cultural change

Return to negotiation when the adversary is willing; the question is not whether we shall move toward justice but how and how soon

Soulforce has a detailed and accessible guide to nonviolence which I highly recommend.

Stay Current

In order to be effective activists, we have to know what’s going on! Some of these groups and resources are not specifically Christian but are doing work around issues that we think are important for Christians. It can be powerful for Christians to work alongside non-Christians on issues that matter to us.

Black & Pink – supporting LGBTQ prisoners

@prisonculture on Twitter

POWER an interfaith activist organization based in Philadelphia (but who is engaged with issues of national and international significance)

National Immigrant Justice Center

@BreeNewsome is a fierce Black, Christian activist. Follow her on Twitter to stay connected to current events + be blessed by her keen insight

Queer Theology – on our Facebook and Twitter, we regularly share information about issues that are important to LGBTQ Christians and supporters as well as actions you can take to make a difference

Connect Locally

Groups meeting at your local LGBT Center are a great place to start. Look up who is there and get involved in one that resonates with you

Everytown for Gun Safety has actions you can take — digitally and in-person — to make a difference in your community

Soulforce has opportunities to educate yourself and take action digitally and locally.

Trans Day of Action is an annual event organized by Audre Lorde Project in NYC and has local actions in some cities. It’s a great way to offer your body as a living sacrifice by showing up for trans justice

Black Lives Matter has chapters across the country. If there’s one in your town, you can link up!

Practice Activism in Your Daily Life

Activism isn’t only being part of an official organization, it also happens in your personal life.

Speak up when a family member says something homophobic, racist, or otherwise prejudiced

Ask your pastor to use examples of LGBTQ people in their sermons

Start a group at your church — maybe it’s something simple like an LGBTQ fellowship, or more active like an activist group

Ask your church leaders to read our article on how to tell if your church is welcoming for transgender people and go through our Inclusive Church Checklist

You don’t have to be outspoken and in your face to practice activism. Fr. Shay wrote an article on how introverts can get involved with activism in a way that feels safe and sustainable.

Take Care of Yourself

If you want to be an effective activist, helping make the world a better place… then you need to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself too.

We have a bunch of resources on self-care including An LGBTQ Christian Guide to Self-Care

There may be a peer support group you can join at a local nonprofit that centers around your experience (in major cities, healthcare nonprofits often have these, as well as community- and issue-specific groups such as LGBTQ, veterans, immigrants, etc).

You may find therapy to be helpful in taking care of yourself (I know that I do!). If you have insurance, you may be able to see a therapist for relatively cheap. If you don’t, there might be a nonprofit that offers those services to you at no or lost cost. You can also look into virtual counseling with a company such as BetterHelp. We can’t recommend enough that you work with a licensed therapist who does not have a religious agenda. This type of therapist will be much more helpful than a “Christian counselor” through your church or a religious organization.

Get Started

I know there’s a lot here and the last thing I want you to do is get stuck in analysis paralysis. I know that a fear of doing or saying the wrong thing can take keep many of us from ever taking action.

What sort of world would we live in if we were always ruled by fear of failure? You may mess up along the way and that’s human. The key is to graciously admit your mistakes, learn from the experience, and commit to making things right. We’re in this together.

So today, pick one book to read or one organization to connect with. Take one step today, and another tomorrow, and a third next week. Keep on with the work until that day when justice rolls down like a river. Because together, we’re gonna change the world.

We’ve got more resources for Christian activism coming, if you want to make sure you get ‘em all, you can signup here and we’ll send ‘em your way

[wildflower8281]

Books! How Reading Has Elevated My Mind & Heart Post-Convent

In the convent we were only provided with catholic books. There were libraries in every convent and we were reading all the time actually, but it was all catholic culture, doctrine, spirituality, thought. I have undoubtedly read the life of every single religious nun in church history. When I came home, it took me awhile to not feel scandalous reading other material or books. Even flipping through a regular magazine felt borderline sinful because of what I was exposing myself to - articles about sex, humans in underwear or bathing suites, products enhancing vanity, etc. As I state everywhere, the Program is real and it took me probably about a year before I ‘strayed’ into reading non-catholic books.

Eventually I headed over to the library, got myself a card and wandered through the great halls and explored. It was one of the most liberating moments post-convent, for me. To be able to freely wander these fantastic long rows of all the books I could ever want! It was an introvert and writer’s dream! Fictional stories about different places, books on nature, animals, travel, art! Books on psychology, the brain, nutrition, health! And of course, books on all the religions and spiritualities in the world. It was definitely a moment of mental liberation and thrill for me when I realized how much of the world had been kept from me and how much I was now totally free to explore! Yes, in religious life we were exposed to music, art, history, philosophy - it was actually a very rigorous academic formation - but it was all within the context of the church, it was all always catholic in some form or fashion.

Reading took me into the world at large and let my mind breathe outside of the church confines. I reveled in reading a book about the brain! I relaxed and enjoyed the comfort of a good fiction book on a snowy day. Reading definitely played a huge part in deprogramming my mind from not only all the convent culture, but the catholic programming as well. As someone who is naturally docile and a pleaser, I had accepted mostly everything without question (which is why I was fantastic as a religious superior by the way.) There were always a minority of sisters who were intellectually curious and rebellious, who would question the things or care enough to ask. I didn’t really. It was easier to just assent and move along. However, reading helped me not only open my mind, but begin to use it again, to learn the questions, to integrate new information regarding the church, the world, and myself. No wonder they don’t let religious read more non-catholic stuff - it creates free thinking humans!

Ok, so here is my list of some truly life-changing books, in my geek-opinion. I would recommend these books to any person, whether they were a nun in a past life or not, male or female or any gender identity honestly. I think they are good for the human spirit and mind to learn about, to traverse and integrate!

The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho: This is an international forever best seller, life-changing type of book. It is published in 56 languages and has won the Guinness World Record as the most translated book by a living author. Need I say more? It is in essence a fable about a young man who traverses the desert and has different experiences, searching for his purpose. Underneath the story, the mythical characters, the magical desert landscapes are truths about life, love, and self that will resonate if you have a beating heart. There is really nothing more to say here.

The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown: This amazing woman is generally more known for her Ted Talk and for her book, “Daring Greatly,” however for me, it was ‘The Gifts of Imperfection’ that really spoke to many things I was struggling with on my road back into the world. She is famous for her TedTalk on Vulnerability, which probably every human should watch. She teaches on courage, authenticity and showing up as yourself, not faking for anyone. The things she speaks and writes have always resonated with me, because she speaks the language of being human. This book however is a short and sweet version of her overarching philosophy. It’s divided into bite size chapters, packed with real stories and good fodder for thinking, as well as practical ways to implement the practices into your life. Since a lot of convent programming focused on: self-denial, sin, staying busy, keep working, rules, control, falling in line - this book focuses on things like playfulness, creativity, letting go of what people think, self-compassion, heeding intuition, and rest! It’s kind of like an antidote to much of the rigorous mental & physical sides of religious life. For me personally, it kickstarted my curiosity regarding art and creativity specifically. It led me to try new things, to grab some art supplies and begin to just play. Finding art and play was a very deep part of my re-integration and self-confidence that is still with me today. In art and play, I learned to be fully myself without filters. Due to the happiness I found in art & being creative, it opened an entire universe of creativity, movement and freedom for me, mentally, spiritually and physically. Do yourself a favor and grab this short & sweet life manual!

Women’s Body, Women’s Wisdom by Dr. Christianne Northrup, MD: This is basically an anatomy textbook that is fascinating and is helpful if you have a body. True confession: I’m a total geek about the body and enjoy learning about how we work, so dipping into this book was fun for me, however -  if you have a body that you live and move and breathe in daily, I highly recommend getting to know how it works for you in exquisite detail at each moment! It’s a big book and that can be off-putting. I get it. The bible is also a big book, but how do you read it? You don’t read it in one sitting, nor do you read it from front to back. You pick it up and read wherever you are led. This is how I read books like Women’s Body, Women’s Wisdom. I read the contents, then skip to any chapter or parts that I’m curious about.

What does this book have to do with life post-convent?

Basic Health: Well, in religious life there was a lot of programming around ignoring the needs of the body, which leads to ignorance in general about how our bodies work and how to take care of them. Also, in religious life, we kind of eat whatever we are given or served. Learning about our bodies and nutrition empower us to choose how we want to nourish our bodies for maximum efficiency and replenishment. This helps us to feel amazing mentally and physically, aiding in our journeys onward. Eating crap and not taking care of our bodies will make the transition into the world - an already rocky one at best - that much more difficult, as our brains will be sluggish, anxious or depressed and our bodies will feel tired and weary. Knowing our bodies and caring for them is perhaps the single most important foundational piece to transitioning back to the world serenely.

Coming Home: Lastly, and personally most important for me was just reconnecting with my body, on the energetic and spiritual level. In the convent (and often in the church,) we live so much in our heads, such an academic and spiritual atmosphere. For a decade, I barely thought about the needs or feelings in my own body. It’s like the priests and nuns are a bunch of heads running here and there. The simple act of sitting and listening to my breathing, or just stopping to notice my heart beat were transformational moments for me. I felt like, ‘Wow, this living, breathing body has been here all along, working for me, taking care of me, doing what she needs to survive, assimilate foods, move for me. And I have utterly ignored every need and feeling from her.’ It was a coming home and a reconciliation for me.

This book will help any human understand their bodily systems much better. It is not heavily scientific, even though she is a renowned doctor. It’s written for the regular person, living a modern-day life. It connects the body with stress effects, the basics of nutrition and shows the energetic connection between the body, mind and illness. It is not new-agey or woo-woo. It’s grounded in legit science and medicine (I say this for the skeptics, because I do believe also in energetic medicines - my Mom is a massage therapist and Reiki practitioner!) It is approachable and easy to read. It’s more like a manual or reference book, but indeed should be read or at least present in any human household!

The Female Brain by Louanne Brizendine, MD: This is along similar lines to Women’s Body, Women’s Wisdom except that it is focused soley on the brain functions and hormones. This book blew up my mind space about my cycle, my hormones and explained so much about how being a menstruating woman feels. I formerly thought that all the hype around pms and cyclical hormones was just that - cultural hype, making fun and being dramatic. This MD explains, again using scientific research in an approachable manner, how exactly our brains work, how our cycles work and how they are connected with the waves of the three main hormones that pulse through us. It’s not a joke, it’s not a drama, it’s basic science and anatomy and how the female brain and reproductive system works. Every human should read it - if they are a menstruating person, or if they know one. Men need to read this book if they are dating women, married to women or are dad’s to women!

This book also empowered me (I rarely use that word because it feels so overused these days, so know that the fact that I’m using it for these two books is noteworthy!) to know myself and my body even more. It helps explain why, as women, we sometimes feel fantastic, strong, outgoing and sexy while other weeks, we may simply want to cozy up in a blanket with a book for 3 days, and not talk to anyone. It helped me understand why sometimes I feel emotionally and mentally resilient, like I can take shit and move on with my day, whereas other days every small comment causes an emotional upset. Understanding my cyclic nature has helped me plan my social life, my errands, my work life, my exercise routines and greatly assisted in relationships. It has given me ownership over my body and being that I am no longer confused or embarrassed by, but rather proud of and make no excuses for. I always know where I am in my cycle and I don’t get freaked out if I am feeling a little low energy or gloomy some days. Additionally, when I am feeling the extra bounce of energy provided by my hormones on the rise, I take full advantage to make social plans, be adventurous and get things done!

Spiritually, I’ve been able to connect the cyclic nature of my body to the cyclic natures of creation and this most definitely has helped me to find peace in each season of a cycle. We cannot be going all the time, just like the flowers are not constantly blooming, and it’s not always Spring. There are seasons of hibernation and stillness, just as much as there are seasons of bursting forth and vibrancy. The ocean waves ebb and flow, the moon waxes and wanes. We go forth and retreat. I’ve written an entire blog on this you can find here (insert link.) Our society and culture, including the culture within the convent, is constantly pushing us to work, keep going, moving always forward (adelante) - however, if we take some wisdom from Nature, we will see that nothing in Nature is always pushing outward. Literally nothing. Things grow and bloom in seasons, in cycles of going forth and pulling inward. This is what our menstrual cycle reminds us to do. Our magic and power as women dwells within us and the only way to tap into that is to have time to go inward. This is why we bleed, why our hormones drop, why we yearn for solitude, quiet and stillness. It’s nature giving us the time we need, just like other living beings, to listen, nourish, incubate the light, love and creative works that we are called to bring forth into the world.

Dance of the Dissident Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd: This provocative title drew me and I also love a good autobiographical account. This is the real story of Sue’s personal spiritual journey, her Story of a Soul, one that began in the christian church world and led her across the world in search of the divine. I was never one to buy into or pay much attention to the charged lingo like ‘patriarchy’ and ‘misogynistic’ things that people said about the church, but when this book found me, I had processed enough of my time in the convent, to read and be open minded about this woman’s journey and search for not only the divine, but truth in the church and rituals. It helped me see with a lot of clarity how things in the convent, especially how we revered the priest ad nauseum, how we served and drove them everywhere, how Mass and many rituals are focused on them - is perhaps a little skewed and off. And I am someone who still holds love for many a priest in my life. I think it’s ok to not be in agreement with the male power in the church, and at the same time truly enjoy the persons that are specific priests in our lives. The book is not all about this, but it was one of the first pieces of literature where - since I was drawn into her personal journey - I read about how patriarchy and men in power can affect one woman’s experience of the Divine and of Church. She takes a beautiful journey that is full of connections to her heart, body, the earth, rituals and a sincere seeking of the Divine.

A few others that come to mind, a short list:

Falling Upwards by Fr. Richard Rohr: This Franciscan priest elaborates on how the second act in someone’s life is often accompanied by great spiritual growth and what we sometimes label as failures or falls actually catapult us forward and upward in wisdom and light. What he connects here regarding veterans who return to civilian life was very helpful & affirming with how many of us feel returning to life in the world, after a unique and extreme situation. Great, helpful read!

The Highly Sensitive Person by Elaine Aron: If you experience sensory overwhelm, have introvert tendencies, don’t like loud places, people, violent movies, etc - this book is for you. It helped me feel normal and be more confident asking for what I need in life, relationships, work and saying no to what I do not enjoy. About 15-20% of humans are HSP, and of that number, 70% are introverts. There is a website dedicated to this book with a quiz you can take to see if you fall into this category.

Quiet by Susan Cain: For all my introverts, do yourself a favor! For all my extroverts, learn about your friends, family and lovers here! This book upped my confidence and self-awareness even more, enabling me to find strength and confidence in my innate, interior, introverted gifts.

The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman: If you plan on loving humans, read this book or at least go to the website, take the quiz and know your own languages. Do you know how you recieve love? Are you a gift person, or acts of service? Do you love physical touch or would you rather have someone compliment you? Also - are you giving love to your loved ones in the language they speak? If you give compliments to someone who prefers acts of service, your compliments will mean nothing. Again, just great to know if you are human and plan on loving and being loved on any level.

Ok, that’s all for now. I could add dozens to this list! Happy Reading!

[nerdygaymormon]

As an older person who has been in the church 20+ years and did everything that their AGAB demanded them do, suffering all the way into the later middle years and finally cracking their gender egg... I can't quite tell what will end up happening to all those temple ordinances I did to *seal those I love around me*. Or whether or not my partner, who will end up being a same-sex partner by the time I go through my process, will still be able to continue in their temple covenants...

These are good questions. I’ll share what I think the answers are, based on my understanding of the Handbook and Church practices. I imagine when your local leaders are asked these questions, they’ll consult with people above them (Seventy).

The Church considers your gender to be your “biological sex at birth,” by which they mean were you born with a penis or a vagina (this disregards the other biological factors of gender). No matter what happens after birth, your gender will remain unchanged on Church records. So technically all the sealings still conform with Church policies.

The fact the Church won’t change the gender shown on the membership record could also allow your spouse to be considered to be keeping their covenants and continue attending the temple.

I know that when parents divorce, the wife & children remain sealed to the husband, even if he leaves the Church. This is done so that the blessings of the sealing are still available to the woman and their children. I would guess that would be true for your situation, the people you’re sealed to will remain sealed.

—————————————————————   

I think you’re brave.

There is a huge risk in coming out, and when you’re married it has significant implications for more than just yourself.

I know several people who come out & transitioned in their 30′s, 40′s & 50′s. In some cases it went well, their spouse & family stayed intact (in fact, in one case the spouse came out as lesbian, so her husband becoming her wife was good news to her). In other cases, the cost was high--divorce, extended family cutting contact--but these people still say it was worth it.

I suggests that you & your spouse each get therapy. This is going to be a long journey full of strong emotions. If you have children, they also could benefit from seeing a therapist. Richard Ostler provides some links to help in finding a therapist specifically for LGBTQ members.

I recommend finding other people who can understand what you’re going through. Same thing for your spouse. Here’s a few places you can begin:

Affirmation: Trans* Mormons, Families & Friends - click this link to request to join the Facebook group

Transgender Saints, ExMo’s and Allies - click this link to request to join the Facebook group

Transactive LDS - A private Facebook group for transgender individuals or family members. Click this link to request to join.

Wasatch Transgender Family Home Evening - If you live in Utah, you could go to their monthly FHE

Utah’s Pride Center has an Adult Trans Support Group

There’s power in hearing people’s stories as they share their experiences & feelings in their own words. Here’s just a few of the stories that you can find:

Jillisa, a 50+ transgender Mormon

Listen, Learn & Love has done several podcasts with transgender Mormons and/or their families

Emmett Claren documented his transition on YouTube

Laurie Lee Hall used to be a stake president and chief architect for the Church. She shares her story at the 2019 Affirmation conference

Augustus Crosby shares his story on the Out In Zion podcast

Kimberly Anderson shared her journey of becoming an advocate and therapist for the LGBTQIA community which includes her coming out as a trans woman as an adult on the Mormon Mental Health podcast

PFLAG is the United States' first and largest organization for LGBTQ people & their families & friends. You can find a local chapter near you.

Affirmation is an organization for LGBTQIA+ people whose lives have intersected with the LDS Church. Each year they have a conference in Utah and it includes workshops/groups for trans/non-binary/genderfluid individuals and also for the spouses of queer people. It would be an opportunity to connect with trans people who are/were LDS. Plus, I plan to be there, so we can meet!

[lids-flutter-open]

a thing i wrote for the rabbi in preparation for finishing my conversion

1. How did you get to be sitting here today - tell me your story, how you learned to love Judaism, why you aren't x-tan anymore

I grew up in Olympia, Washington. My mother was "spiritual" but not specifically religious, and took us to a Unitarian Universalist church. I think this was a good experience for me, because it connected time in church ("church") to time talking about social justice concerns, and to caring about other people in a concentrated way. The UU church fed people at a shelter and raised money for environmental causes. I think it informed my principles as a person, even though my mother stopped taking us after a while. My father, whose mother was fairly fervently Methodist, didn't like religion. As a child, I associated religion proper--the kind of Christianity that other people did, for instance--with being asked to believe in something that was impossible, and the moral logic of religion, and especially Christianity as my grandmother knew it, didn't make a lot of sense to me. I was without any kind of religion throughout high school. I often felt depressed and anxious; I was gay and trans, and even after my parents began supporting me, many of my friends faced bullying, homelessness, mental health crises, and abuse. As I learned more about war, iniquity, and imperialism, I often felt like the world as it existed was beyond help, and that too many people suffered for the world to have any order. During that time, as I participated in LGBT groups around my town, I met some friends who were Jewish and coming into what that meant to them. I had really interesting conversations around Jewish ideas of God and morality with my friend Levi, who had grown up in a very racist town in Nevada and who embraced the idea of an all-knowing God who at the same time was mysteriously and frustratingly absent and who one had to both believe in and be angry at. In college, I took a class on European Jewish literature since the 1800s and read a lot of literature (from Gluckel von Hameln to Irene Nemirovsky and Stefan Zweig and Marx and Freud) accompanied by the analysis of a very gay older professor who tried very hard to keep his analysis secular while giving us religious concepts to provide context for the significance of writers' desperation, alienation, and struggle. A central idea that stuck with me from that class was the paradox of a God who has issued laws which everyone must follow for the salvation of the world even though nobody is sure exactly how to follow them. It combined the comforting and somewhat idealistic certainty that there was a plan with the sensible conclusion that, based on the chaos and horror extant in the world today, nobody was enforcing that plan and for practical purposes humanity was on its own to solve its problems. I also was fascinated that the ideas of Marx, and the ideas of many of the people who tried to formulate socialist states from the ruins of monarchies in the early 20th century, were influenced by the Jewish messianic tradition and were part of the idea that people themselves could bring on the dawn of the ultimate, perfect era of life on Earth if we only worked together and worked hard enough. It's romantic, but I pictured Jewish socialists motorcycling across the Russian steppe (as indeed they did, when carrying news during the 1918 crisis), imagining that their work might fix what everyone else had gotten wrong. I like Judaism because it recognizes humanity's messiness and mistakes, including prophets. It notes the arguments people have had, the different views people take, the times people have seriously messed up and faced consequences for it, the times people have seriously messed up and faced no consequences. It is concerned with bodies and matter and daily practice more than with immortal souls, but also speaks about souls and love and hope. It remembers, and it watches, and it hopes for the day where the word of G-D becomes something real--something explicitly material--, and tries to work for it, but admits that there may or may not be a clear path to get there. At the same time, it motivates me to do work in the world directed outwards, toward helping people. 2. Tell me about God / spirituality / prayer. What does that all mean to you?

I like thinking of God as the connection that exists between people, and anything good, but also as something boundless, beyond good and evil, and utterly incomprehensible to human identity, morality, etc. God is in the wonder of a wave crashing down on the sand. God is the potential for good things to happen because God is the potential for anything to happen, and when someone is a human, the best potential is that humans can come together and fix something, or figure out a way to care for each other better. Prayer is also being glad to be alive, to see candles or smell smoke or feel one's arms working in the morning. I pray because I believe there's some way to tap into that sort of divine similarity I have with all other beings and all other matter and make something happen that's good. I also think there is a lot to be said for the way Jewish prayer emphasizes sensual pleasure and simple appreciation of one's material body and material existence. I think God is a way for me to understand all bodies as good, for all experiences of bodies to be divine, even if they are painful. 

3. What are some meaningful Jewish rituals / practices that you do and why are they important to you?

I observe Shabbat by avoiding grocery shopping, laundry, and travel on that day, and by trying to spend time with friends. I attend services on Friday nights and some Saturday mornings at CBE. In the last year, I have also observed the Jewish holidays of Shavuot, Tisha b'Av, Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur, Sukkot, Simchat Torah, Hannukah, Purim and Pesach. On Rosh Hashanah, I made food for my friends, including two new friends from my synagogue, even though my apartment is pretty small, and tried to incorporate foods traditional to the new year like apples and honey, round challah, and other foods. I observed Tisha b'Av and Yom Kippur by fasting, and throughout the month of Elul I thought a lot about the things in my life I wanted to change and about calamities I wanted to do something to prevent or to help people recover from. I read a book recommended by Rabbi Katz (This is Real and You're Completely Unprepared by Alan Lew) in order to better approach the holiday from a mindset of introspection and reconciliation with the parts of myself I wanted to leave behind. I also took a new appreciation of the themes of Elul and Yom Kippur with me as I rewatched Angels in America, which deals a lot in Jewish reconciliation, forgiveness, and death. On Hannukah I went to friends' houses in order to eat latkes and other oily foods and also engaged in conversations about the dubious victory of the Maccabees/when a revolution becomes a repressive regime. On Purim I went to party and attended services, and thought about what it means to survive something terrible and what it means to ask for revenge or to make up a story where you get revenge, and what the difference is. On Passover I was with friends in 2017 and 2018, talking about freedom, human trafficking, refugees, motherhood and reproductive freedom, and a list of other issues that seem more relevant every year. In 2018 I also learned songs, both traditional and more recent.   In terms of everyday rituals: I try to give to people who ask for things. I try to care for people in my life who I value. I try to think critically and to better myself and to improve the world. I try to criticize tyrants. I try to be thankful for my body. I try to forgive people, and also to think carefully about when someone deserves forgiveness. I try to rigorously evaluate my standards for living a decent life and see if they are good enough. I try to remember history. I think about how the lessons of Torah relate to my life and what wisdom that text contains that I can apply to my life and sometimes make Spotify playlists related to books of the Torah. I try to read the weekly parsha and think about it critically. I read feminist books about Judaism and read fiction by Jewish authors. 4. What do you still want to learn / read about when you are Jewish?

I want to learn Hebrew so I can comfortably read in services in either language. I want to learn more about the history of Jewish people in the United States and around the world, because even as I learn more there is still a lot I have missed out on. 

5. What Hebrew name are you thinking of having? And Why? Zev as a biblical name originates from a reference to Benjamin, who is called "a wolf that raveneth". The text refers to Benjamin-as-wolf killing prey in the morning and dividing spoils in evening. But there isn't much reference to whether Benjamin actually ever does any killing, though he gave rise to the line that included Ehud, Saul and, supposedly, Mordecai. Some consider the term "ravenous Wolf" not to refer to war at all but to refer to Temple sacrifices. Benjamin is known in rabbinic tradition as being a uniquely upstanding, sin-free person, and is also notable for being the youngest son of Rachel, and the last child of Jacob. When I was considering names for myself as a fifteen-year-old after coming out as trans, I considered Benjamin (on the advice of my therapist!) because of Rachel trying to name Benjamin Benoni after her pain and death, but failing. The name represented a triumph above origin while also presenting a puzzle because the actual etymology of the name is contested--it means son of days, son of the south, etc etc. But I didn't choose Benjamin as a name then, and I don't want to choose it now, because it's too full of a story and too precise. I like Zev because, though it's technically an allusion to this character, it also just means Wolf. I like that there are aspects of Benjamin's life I could step into, but don't want to draw parallels between myself and a biblical character every time I say my name. I like wolves, and have since I was a child, because they are both powerful and dangerous but also care for one another. Researchers studying wolves have found that in the wild they are far more communal and less aggressive toward each other than they are in captivity or under stress. I think that the protective powers of the wolf, and also the familial bonds between wolves, is something I want to emulate. I want to step into a different aspect of the name than Zev Jabotinsky, whose militancy and ferocity I think are antithetical to building an enduring, peaceful, prosperous future for humanity and other species on this planet.

[davidjjohnston3]

I thought just now about writing you a really long letter, though I don't know if you'd care or understand. I heard about your divorce and was saddened.  FWIW, the author 'All Quiet on the Western Front' re-married his first wife in old age. I once said something excessively aesthetic and perhaps penetrating-without-sympathizing citing a song called 'Carry You' about a picture you had taken of Cecelia (I'll never say her name again if you don't want).   For many years over and over I imagined we'd talk again whether throwing back highballs in paisley vest tuxedos in 2012 or, in 2015, having a Christmas caroling party where I also met someone from the past; a Korean woman from Rutgers I started having dreams of on the day I basically first decided to start trying to write commercial (specifically military / special forces / spy / Brad Thor) fiction in an effort to get out of Milwaukee.  On the drive home from Half Price Books it started snowing and I thought of 'Lo How a Rose E'er Blooming,' a song written about the divisions between the Catholic and Protestant Churches in Germany and the devastating wars of the Protestant Reformation.  The girl's name I can't say due to the fact that I think from other dreams that she is another man's wife and she was in peril her whole life from various vectors. You don't have to care and I can't make you believe or love - love me, love God, or love anyone or anything committedly - but over the years I became pretty Orthodox.  In 2016 I also started having visions of Pope Saint John Paul II, whose encyclical 'Humana Vitae' I think predicted basically everything that's wrong with the world today.  JP2 also wrote 'The Theology of the Body' which is beyond me; opposed the Iraq War which consumed our generation, perhaps led to ISIS and Syria's civil war and allowed to North Korea to get nukes, as you know with the three words 'no to war'; and penned 'Called To Be Priests',' which called for 'a new reciprocity between the sexes.' Recently I was hospitalized for the fourth time for mental problems and my diagnosis has been shifting from bipolar schizoaffective to schizophrenic although I no longer have hypomanic or 'split personality' / 'Gollum and Smeagoll' episodes or experience what is called a command hallucination.  My parents want to put me on drugs that are damaging my liver; they continue to worship at the altars of a) Scientism b) the status quo and c) denial of reality, the future, as well as I think almost ineluctable psychopathic anti-Asian racism, which IMO, is part of the reason God might have allowed the CCP to engineer the coronavirus and unleash it on a smug unprepared and self-willedly, defiantly racist Trumpist America.  FWIW, over the past couple years I also lost faith in both the left- and right-wing magazines I had been reading for years, The New Yorker and National Review.   Since you are Twitter friends with Nicole Chung may I further recommend Steph Cha who has written about race-relations in California in 'Your House Will Pay.'  She's also pro-life from what I can tell and following her might lead you to a more valuable and meaningful life; though farbeit from me to judge what you think of yourself or how you're doing of late. Funnily, our old classmate Ken Smolin became a Catholic high school English teacher or nor working in my own former field, curriculum development.   Anyway, I urge you to re-think religion.  I listened a lot lately to an Irish song called 'Red Is The Rose' if you don't know that one already.  It is about a bride, sort of.   Best wishes with everything.  In the post-coronanavirus world there will be a lot of new people and new ways of living in America and I envy you being in LA.  I've thought of hitching a Greyhound out there and just living on the street in K-town or sth because here is a huge epidemic of 'knowing without caring' or 'the fetishization of information' and even my therapists apparently want to X-ray vivisect me.   I had a kind of spiritual experience at the hospital a while back where I X-rayed my foot and thought a) God clearly designed these bones and b), as my dad was ad-libbing about the past, a strange lasering electrical kind of feeling that appeared to imply he wishes he aborted me when I was born and cut my body to pieces. Once again, I'm sorry for the thing I said about your former wife.  You posted back the song 'Two Points for Honesty' which really distressed me and I'm further sorry for still going about with such an unguarded heart.  I also recently experienced perhaps the most catastrophic love-relationship and rejection of them all in my long history thereof.  She was a pharmacist from RU, abt 15 years older than me.  IDK if I misread everything.  I guess it's pathetic to still be looking for love at 36 when I can't seem to pass anyone's test or lack patience to stand at the Gate of their Law and starve to death (Kafka) or play the games of commerce and personality.  It's not all about me anyway - pray you rethink BLM, Kendi et al. and look a bit in to the history of Maoism and communism and how they infect and weaponizes other ideologies to turn races against each other etc.   I'm not a libertarian sink-or-swim penalty-life-for-the-weak capitalist as you probably know.   Blessings - still waiting for your next book.  I myself have been in contact with a Xtian literary agent though I feel iffy and my secret wish is to publish through Catherine Cho's imprint due to my feelings about her 'Inferno.'  80,000 words that I wish could get me out of 'Waukee or at least stop people from thinking they know me and I'm a futile empty vessel.