#and his parents are dead drug addicts. i still dont know why they did that in movie its so stupid

[pyr0cue]

sometimes i sit down and think. it 2017 really gave ben mike's personality and narrative function and people think its canon. mike my poor boy i love you so so much im sorry the movies stripped you of personality and charm

[justaboot]

fine okay HBO human DT would be like

(tw blood, gore, drugs, suicide mention)

Beakley's husband was killed by their daughter, who was a FOWL big bad. Beakley loved her more than anything but, in the end, they couldn't stop her, and she locked her in an uncrackable limbo pocket dimension, took newborn Webby, and told everyone she was dead. Every night, she doesn't think about how she's still in there, alive and rotting. (I hc this regardless)

Gladstone signed away his soul for glitz, luck, and luxury when he was young. He rains gifts and affection down on the kids, decked in the best money can buy and bored by all of it, surrounded by designer drugs and sex and fancy friends and desperately lonely when he's not with the fam.

Pre-series, the boys' father was a traitor who sold them out, nearly to Donald and Scrooge's death. Della goes alone to a standoff in an abandoned plane hangar, fucks him good one last time to get close before beating his head in with a socket wrench.

Goldie told her how.

The kids figure out Gyro's fallen into a brutally accelerating addiction to a stimulant chem of his own design, bc its producing incredible results. Scrooge has been looking the other way. Because results.

Actual Scary Girl Webby in a real way. She wants answers, and has no understanding of taboos. Stares at her first dead body way too long. Asks della too many questions about self-amputation, what it smelled like, if she could feel the difference between muscles and tendons when cutting. Did the ligaments snap back? did the bone splinter? did you see marrow? She just wants to know. The next day she asks bentina if they can get a whole pig to pit-roast and if she can be the one to carve it. Watched Scrooge and Goldie from the vent in his bedroom, looked too long at the line of Goldie's back as she moved and thought about it all night.

We see Beakley actually homeschool them. They have a library thats the school room, and Huey and Webby practice cello in Webby's room. They test themselves on new languages they're learning together by talking through music theory in them while playing.

Huey made Della a teak shower bench. Not HBOcore but its true and you should know it. It replaced the chrome one, and on bad nights, she hands out in there in the steam at 4 in the morning bc the room is bright and warm and the fan is loud and beakley'll be up in an hour which means the house wont be Still and Quiet.

Louie actually gets caught up in the underground crime scene. He slowly builds confidence gets too cocky, and gets in deeper and deeper shit until it goes south. Fast. His tricks dont work, because hes TEN, and Goldie has to pull him out of a human trafficking ring. He doesn't think to ask what she was doing there until much later, and she's already gone.

We see Donald's therapy sessions. He loves the boys more than anything or anyone in the world. He tells his therapist that he hates his sister for what she did to his future. His therapist asks if he hates the children, too, and Donald hesitates. He loves the boys.

Magica has Scrooge for weeks during the Shadow War. Plays out all his failures in shadow puppets on the wall for him. The spear, his parents, his sisters, goldie, everything. she was there in the dime for the whole ten years he was alone, and she plays out all the ugliest things he said and did. Shapeshifts through all the friends he's lost to taunt him, spitting words as young Donald. She shifts into Della, asking in her voice why he'd do that, telling him how painful it was, how it feels to freeze to death, what human lungs sound like when there's no oxygen to breathe. You'd think they'd be quieter, but there's a wet crackle that sounds like a sponge. She tells him how he was going to kill the boys, too, because he's too selfish, but it's not a problem now, because they've left again. They're safe now. But she says it all so kindly. He's exhausted and hes starving and hes half out of his mind, so when he asks what she wants from him and she puts a knife in his hands and tells him to end it, he does. Until the knife turns to smoke, he's unharmed, and it's not della but Magica who's laughing at him. Lena sees the whole thing, and later on, when the kids find out, Scrooge omits details, and the kids laugh at how Magica would ever think Scrooge would go through with it, just give up. He'd never give up. Lena doesn't say anything, and Scrooge doesn't look at her, and he has to cope with believing that'll be the last time he'll ever hear della's voice.

Lena Comes Back WrongTM

anyway you get it. everyone has a really rough duality. feel free to add.

(this post got too long, ask me later about the boys' birth and scrooge's secret s1 curse)

[waitingformyfavoritesongs]

6:55 am pdt 4 January 2023 Wednesday

minutes ago it felt that incubus stabbed probably intestines and I felt tension or pressure that hurt 😖😖😖😖😵😵😵😵 at least 4+ spots. Incubus is probably trying to give me leaky gut. Are different rice 🍚 and still giving diarrhea. 😵😵😵😵🥺

I believe he had a secret relationship with Sierra LaMar, and kidnapped her. and he’s trying to kill me bcz I’m similar to her: she was 5’2”; I was 5’1.5” before 2017. We both are half Asian and half white. We both have dark hair and brown eyes 👀? We both grew up with a sister. Dads are white. Moms are Asian. I talked to someone online who offered to buy plane ✈️ tickets 🎫 to meet him because he liked me so much is what he said.

Sierra LaMar was active on the internet/Twitter. I found something online, I hope 🤞 I was not being gas ⛽️ lit 🔥. There was a rumor she had a secret? Boyfriend. I think they got the wrong guy. 7:06 am pdt Sierra and I are both born on Saturdays too I think 💭? We are also complementary astrological zodiac signs 🪧 ♎️ Libra. She’s born year of the rat 🐀 and I’m year of the ox 🐂. Sie air ah. Sea 🌊 air 🌬 7:10 am pdt she was a cheerleader 📣? And then she stopped 🛑 ✋??? When she went missing she was wearing a sweatshirt (sharks hockey ��). I had hypotheses but I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if I researched enough to see if it could be true. If Sierra had a secret boyfriend, did her grades drop too much bcz of him and had to drop out of cheerleading? We see stuff about was it ecstasy? Alcohol 🍷 drinking? Where did she get those and how? Was she getting allowance enough to buy? Even though she’s no longer in cheer , was it bcz of bad grades ? Would her parents still give her allowance if she had bad grades?? Did the secret boyfriend give it to her? Was he a drug dealer? An addict? If he was the one, how did he afford the drugs? It’s a rock and roll 🎸 kinda lifestyle to do drugs, no? 7:18 am pdt

is it possible the secret boyfriend got her pregnant 🤰 and she was hiding it? Did she put her trust in the wrong people? Were they rich drug dealers who had friends in Saratoga California? Did the cops hastily assume it was a hoax and that she was dead ☠️ without finding her body? Is it not a huge disservice to those that are missing to be assumed dead ☠️?

looking back at crimes such as Jaycee? Dugard? And Elizabeth smart, we know that there was a lot that wasn’t done before. I read they interviewed past s*x offenders, but was that a waste of time? Aren’t they more likely to be watched? Therefore less likely to do something again? I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ I would think so. Why is it that people who live in a rich 🤑 area with probably high income would be overlooked? When they probably have the most free time and resources to be organized high crime? 7:28 am pdt I guess we should look at uvaldi ? Shooting as a clue. Maybe some cops 👮‍♀️ are scared shitless 💩. 7:29 am pdt or maybe they’re involved with prostitution and they assumed prostitution is ok. 👌 PAIN 👂 ear 7:30 🕢 am pdt

7:31 am pdt if incubus is their god, then I guess so! 7:31 am pdt

7:31 am pdt I once saw online antolin’s birth year is goat 🐐. Trying to remember if I saw 👀 his month and day. 5 years difference between Sierra and Antolin. Same difference btwn me and the guy I first assumed was the one I was talking to when I found a social media profile years later with the same email address that was used to talk to me. 7:34 am pdt a lot of sirens 🚨 passed and incubus is still roasting me in the rib cage area/making me 😷 cough. I read recently Antolin was a father and lived with the mother of his children? 👶 at the time. 7:37 am pdt do you think 🤔 he could have done it? 7:37 am pdt

10:42 am pdt I fell asleep 😴 and woke up to my right hand 🤚 being roasted alive!!!! 🧐😞😖🥵😤😫😭🥺😱😰 why are they doing this to me?!?!?!?!?! They are always actors trying to pretend they are decent when they are not! DONT be fooled by they’re innocent 😇 looks and talk every thing he said about being hot 🥵 was directed towards me and immediately before all the news came out about cheating on behati prinsloo he was trying to convince me that I am the mother who’s children and his real wife!!!!! So within the last 24 hours when I found a reel on Instagram it read the note 📝 and the way it sounded suddenly felt it was directed at me when they read the I should not have spoken to anyone else but my wife...!!!! I guess sumner and Maryka are his wives already and I’m not even though he tried to put in my head that we have 3 kids already together. 10:52 am pdt. I never said to his Sagittarius ♐️ friend that I liked him. He moved too quickly into kissing 😽 me for that to happen and once it happened I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ I seem have difficulty falling in love. I fell in love with guys I never kissed 💋!!!! But once the relationship moves too quickly into the physical I tend NOT to fall in love. I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ if it’s a curse, or coincidence (HOT left side lung 🫁 cough 😷), I seem to fall into a weird mental and weird emotional situation/phase that it makes it even more difficult for me to be myself when I already have a curse on me/my feelings/ automatic negative thoughts 💭. He’s REALLY trying to kill me. He made my body look 👀 absurd and unrealistically HOT 🥵 scar tissue that I wish you saw 👀 (not saw 🪚!!!!) 🎶🎼🎵 red hot chili 🌶 peppers 🌶 11:02 am pdt 😭😱😭😱😭😱😭😱😭

when I was seeing Sagittarius ♐️ Friend of incubus I remember him asking, probably before he forced me to have sex with him, he asked if I liked him, in the middle/in between making out with him, I remembered looking 👀 away and feeling shame and guilt that I was not able to feel more than physical attraction him at that point. I remember not replying!!!! And the silence should have been the answer within itself. And I think I remember we might have continued making out again. I recently thought 💭 I remembered being the car 🚗 with him sometime maybe 🤔 was it days after, laying in the back seat 💺, probably before he forced me to have sex with him (please refer to prior posts for more details) in his bedroom 🛌 , he was on top of me and he pulls his dick 🍆 out of I think 🤔 was it sweat 💦 pants 👖? And I asked him something like this : are you ready for little feet 🦶 of scotties (he goes by middle name Scott, like it’s his first name) to be running 🏃‍♂️ around? Translation: are you ready for Scott junior or babies 👶 - for me to be pregnant 🤰? He had a weird eyes 👀 staring off as if he was a deer 🦌 in headlights kind of look 👀 in his eyes. No answer verbally so I pulled his pants 👖 up probably gently too over his dick 🍆. And I think 🤔 it happened before? He forced me to have sex with him ? (I f I say no the first time - don’t FORCE me to change my answer 😡🤬) it’s as if he decided to have amnesia. 11:17 am pdt

I never said to any man I had sex with that I was pregnant 🤰. I heard some cultures you know what happens if you are caught in bed 🛌 together doing it the parents will force the man 👨 at gun point to marry the daughter. I’m glad I’m not married NOW. 😡🤬 that actually happened to my mom’s ex-boyfriend. And before she found out, the promise ring 💍 he gave her fell off her hand 🤚 and into a river. 11:21 am pdt it was a sign 🪧 from god that he cannot keep his promises. That man 👨 was rich and he was 25 years old when she was 16 years old. My mom said she wanted/needed finish her education FIRST Before getting married (marriage = pregnancies 🤰 ). I see a lot of weird accounts on Instagram come up 🆙 saying Adam Noah Levine is their baby daddy 😱🤯😱😭😖🥵😤 it’s so weird to me that it’s very likely TRUE that he is a father to multiple women’s babies 👶 and he probably doesn’t really care about any of them. I was going to type something then I suddenly forgot. Herschel walker? Was it ? His son, Christian walker? On Twitter I found him complaining that his father is the father to other children after him and that he’s not a good father and he pretends to be. Makes me think Adam Noah Levine thinks he’s special and exempt from being monogamous. My mom grew up 🆙 around the Catholic Church ⛪️ she said they gave free cookies 🍪. She said even if you are divorced god still only recognizes your first marryiage only. When 2 become 1 🎶🎼🎵 spice girls. 11:31 am pdt imagine how difficult it is to raise a child 👶 as a single parent needing someone to help watch the kid 🧒 who you can trust who you hope cares as much as you do as the mother, but you don’t Bcz he ran off to father another baby 👶 with a different woman 👩🏻? Can a man 👨 ever love ❤️ a child the same as a mother when she grows the baby 🍼 in her own belly? 🛎 if you watched Ellen with behati prinsloo as guest to save the rhinos 🦏 you might have seen and heard 👂 her say she can’t do 5, even if Adam wants it she has to carry it herself. It’s a big deal if a man wants to be “Don Juan”. But you know what? Don’t try to change them. Let them be. 11:38 am pdt it seems like a nice, fairy 🧚🏽‍♀️ tail/tale idea 💡 that there could be a lasting romantic friendship love 💕, but is it only a figment of our imagination 💭 that men are willing to participate in the SHORT RUN 🏃🏻‍♀️? Not the long, genuine, monogamous devoted marriage ideal? 🃏 joker clown 🤡 to contribute as an “actor” in a temporary fantasy? 11:42 am pdt 😔😞😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵😖😭😖😭😖😭🥺😰

this is a frightening world we live in, where the “friendly” faces we see are all acts. Especially on a big stage. 11:44 am pdt

men are frightening. And this is their world. They own us and abuse us and make it harder for us intentionally, in all sorts of ways from conception and birth to pregnancy and old age. I accidentally put an emoji after age 😏 that one. I don’t have this on my face now and I don’t think I will ever naturally smirk like that about old age especially with what I have been going through. 11:47 am pdt 😤🥵😤🥵😤🥵😤

11:48 am pdt hungry 😞 . if it’s a joke to sumner and Maryka and Alyson that I’m burning 🥵 to death ☠️ which I’m starting to think 🤔 and feel now after a lot of reviewing, I feel very disturbed and disappointed at the world 🌎 we live in and who we call gods. I do feel guilt and shame every day of my life and it helped kept me celibate on some days which add up to a lot of days since I have been celibate for more than 10 years by choice I had believed. I really had to swear off dating permanently to enable this to be a reality. When someone is addicted because of demonic forces, like alcoholism I think some people really have to stay away from it physically? My mom dated someone who had a history of being an alcoholic and when the 3 of us moved in together she made me carry a wine 🍷 bottle to a neighbor and gave it to her for free. 11:55 am pdt sometimes people are more sympathetic to other people’s curses. Probably generational curses, too. 🧙‍♀️ 🧙 Merlin 🧙‍♂️ incubus offspring. Working for kings. Maybe kings of alcoholic beverages? Fueled capitalism. Their god = devil 👿? 11:58 am pdt

5:30 🕠 pm pdt 5:31 pm pdt 5:33 pm pdt I think I hear 👂 rain 🌧 tummy ache 😖 stomach pain incubus hurt 😞 me . I really believe he’s raping my cousin. 🤢 gross 🤮. Dispicable. He gave me signs 🪧 to mislead me. He made me hot and he made all year hot 🥵 here. And last year, too. These last 5 years he has been robbing me of strength. In 2019 I found online 60 year old woman 👵 body builder with awards/or trophy 🏆 for strength competitions. At beginning of year I was scared 😱 I think I remember and then they made me fall backwards on my back ribs against the coffee ☕️ table = it was strong 💪. Now it’s weak. They were conning me, tricked me into thinking they were strengthening it now with the thoughts 💭 they gave me rather than tell me word for word with their own voices what they were doing. That’s their psychology. They will use all sorts of ways to lie to you. Incubus once teeeted everything he says is “bullshit” probably x3 it’s gone now. Twitter.

5:44 pm pdt they heat me up 🆙 to rob me of strength and killl me. I think I heard 👂 them make me believe I heard on the radio 📻 I will die in the morning the lyrics are there will be joy in the morning. He made my middle finger 🖕 move, then he hurt my left hand knuckles. 5:47 pm pdt.

5:56 pm pdt I read a few times online, hopefully he wasn’t gas ⛽️ lighting me back then,( but everything he seems to do seems to be to gas ⛽️ light, but idk 🤷🏻‍♀️ mayb what I read is true) that mr. incubus was fine when his parents divorced. Pain jaw bone 🦴. I probably read it around 2014, and then I read stuff that he was thinking that he wasn’t going to get married . And then I heard? Him say once that he thought it was going to make him look 👀 like a creep if he didn’t get married? Or something like that? It was weird the tone the delivery 🚚 as if it was meant for me to hear 👂 for some weird reason. 6:03 breathing out extremely HOT 🥵 air 6:04 pm pdt.

knuckles = nuke????? 6:04 pm pdt

6:23 pm pdt there was something I did on accident but the incubus was trying to make me believe it was not. Probably bcz he made me do it. He can make your body do and say things like a puppet. And he can trick you into believing it was all you. He choreographed everything. He will give you feelings that feel genuine/real and give confusion with quick changing thoughts and feelings and with hold memory, so you are left feeling with what he wants you to remember. I remember pausing a lot and quick changing thoughts and emotions and immediate forgetfulness but somehow I did not completely forget but somehow made to forget in the moment. I don’t recall moving fast. I remember pausing in between thoughts 💭. I remember moving to stretch my legs 🦵 when I pedaled the tricycle. How did I fit on that thing? I don’t remember how tall it was, but these were big enough for a bunch of young men also to ride. I remember pausing in between pedals each moment. I nitially I did not recall moving quickly on that thing. I am sorry 😞 if I did. I was very gungho in thinking 🤔 that I didn’t move /pedal faster . I think 🤔 it was also probable that the boy who was probably 8 years old? On a tricycle ahead of might have also simultaneously started slowing down now that I think 🤔 about how it was probable that I caught up 🆙 to him! And somehow with out trying much , I thought I remembered but now my mind wants to believe I sped on a tricycle. Was it possible? Now I don’t know for sure. Incubus has been cutting my legs 🦵 a lot and may have shortened legs 🦵 😖😭😤🥵😤🥵

Pain! 😖right inner ankle bone 🦴. In 2009?? David clay diamond 💍 diamonds 💎 dash I hurt myself. I think it is karma for the tricycle incident. Also when I was about 12 years old I flew over my bicycle 🚴🏼 while trying learn to ride with out training wheels and almost landed 🛬 on my head but instead landed 🛬 on my shoulders. Also around that time we are hit by a woman?? driving a car 🚙 it was my mom’s first car 🚗 and it was white. My sister hears a voice that told her to switch to the middle seat 💺 in the back of the car before the accident happened, within minutes at a stop light 💡 . I believe it saved her life and she did not tell me until around 5-6 years ago. 2016/2017 ish? It was before we moved to alum rock 🪨, before 2019. 6:49 pm pdt when I hurt myself in 2009? I used my left heel to stop 🛑 the razor scooter 🛴 directly onto the ground which was paved black, I was going fast 💨 Down a relatively steep hill in a park in San Francisco. It did weird things to my heel that seemed to slosh and move like jelly years later, and it hurt a lot for a while immediately afterwards . I t felt like my hip and butt were not in proper alignment anymore. I did not go see a doctor 👩‍⚕️ for it. I was shy again? And it was troublesome already? With previous experiences of going for my chronic eczema and infections on the same university’s medical insurance. This was before I got a job. Because my motive for applying was to hopefully 🙏 win the ring diamond 💎 💍 so I can pay 💰 off bills 💸 from school 🏫. It was stupid though because I was completely unprepared and unmatched to the competition. There were questions you had to find/solve using physics I think I recalled one ☝️. It was irrational of me to sign up 🆙 but I did. Nausea. And vertigo. 7:01 pm pdt.

7:03 pm pdt I remember he cried when the tricycle I was pedaling made contact with him. It might have touched his left ? Hip. The fooot I used to stop 🛑 the razor scooter 🛴 was my left foot 🦶. I stood for a minute probably, thinking 💭 what should I do . I consider staying and in my mind the thought 💭 enters (vertigo stop 🛑 making this harder for me to type) coughing and peeing. Pain head. Difficultly breathing started still hot 🥵 left side ribs hot 🥵 air. 7:09 pm pdt that I should only stay if everyone else stays. I think I did not want to face it alone. There was a part of me that wanted to leave , I don’t remember if it was an immediateinitial feeling but I didn’t move for about a minute pondering 🤔 what am I going to do? I did not plan on doing anything like this at all. Then a guy who was on a tricycle, who I don’t think 🤔 did anything wrong at that place, screamed at me “RUN!” I still don’t know why he felt compelled to yell it at me at all . I don’t remember even talking to him much before that. It was all VERY STRANGE. But I comply and I ran. This was around early 2006, before April. There was something I was going to type but incubus is withholding my memory again. I remembered gung-ho thinking 🤔 I did not pedal that fast 💨 on a tricycle. And then my memory thereafter was me being very fast 💨 and I think that was not physically possible for it to have happened that way. He made me feel like I’m lying 🤥 and bad. Oh, a lot of times within last 5 years things would fall and hit me and it would hurt a lot! Like a pick comb falling on my leg 🦵 I realized this week that maybe 🤔 it should have not hurt that much the way it did and I realized they were choreographing inflicting more pain with the object falling and touching/hitting me. I cannot say for sure but if I did not go fast enough to really feel like a big impact on the boy’s hip that maybe the pain was not 100% because of me and the tricycle. I t might be wishful thinking 💭 that I didn’t hurt him but idk. I believe that the demon lord sometimes talks to some men directly if they have a covenant. I f they don’t have a covenant then he would use people’s brains 🧠 and body against their will like a puppet but use a lot of psychological tactics. I felt guilty and shame for hurting him, and even more for running 🏃🏻‍♀️ away. It wasn’t long before that I had tested for a learning disability. The test giver said my left brain 🧠 worked slower than my right brain 🧠 so the communication between the two halves are slow is what I recalled him saying. The disability test was through exams on abilities. Math 🧮, probably memory recall? Other stuff I have difficulty remembering. 7:31 pm pdt. 7:32 pm pdt felt my eye 👁 sight get fuzzy for few seconds. I don’t believe I m apart of a covenant. I think demon lord probably told me in 2018? While he inflicted a lot of unbearable PAIN on me, my bones and flesh. I felt like I was dying with every hit/cut. 7:34 pm pdt and I felt like I wanted to die. 7:35 pm pdt. If I was a billionaire I would repay that boy 👦🏾 For whatever damages I may have caused. When Adnan pushed me when I was about 9 years old after my birthday I think? And I landed on my wrist and it broke I don’t believe my mom asked what happened but she might have overheard something and met me more than halfway down the stairs and asked me if it hurt and it did. I don’t believe adnans family knew. Refugees from Europe forget which part Soviet Union or something. The devil made me say something I didn’t mean to say and I was surprised that I said it. He’s making me feel like a liar about that every time I recall it. He is trying to alter my memory and he’s almost successful, he made me doubt myself a lot. I asked my mom a minute ago if she knew and she didn’t. They never paid for breaking my wrist. The doctor put a cast on it. 7:53 pm pdt I think it was about a year ago when we went to a laundry 🧺 mat there was a thing on tv 📺 that there are people who survived being run 🏃🏻‍♀️ over by cars 🚗. Sometimes god prepares us for events he planned to happen. Demon lord. 755p

[sapphicmsmarvel]

Ghost Of You

song for this fic: ghost of you

hp masterlist

regular masterlist

Big TW for drug addiction, suicide, grief. 

I wrote this after my sister's death in march, the exact same cause. 

I was just able to finish this three months later, the ending is so abrupt because I don’t know what life is like after this kind of grief. 

We may have disliked each other, but she was still my older sister. 

This is how I'm able to cope, read it or not. Fanfic has saved my life many times and has helped me deal with losses. 

harry potter was the only thing that got me through that, and that is still getting me through that. 

-Fred admired the fact that you loved Ginny as if she were your own sibling.  

-As far as he knew you were an only child. 

-No matter what, you immediately would drop anything to help Ginny. 

-When Fred and George befriended you their first year, they mentioned they have a little sister so you knew of her existence when she came to Hogwarts (as well as Ron but he’ll get his own chapter). 

-Fred and George introduced you two, the twins would never admit it out loud but they were worried about her. She’s the baby of the family. 

-Pretty soon you two had inside jokes, a secret handshake and were able to communicate just by looks. 

-When Fred was dealing with his feelings for you, Ginny called him out on his shit. “Just ask her out.” 

“Gin, do you really think she’ll feel the same?”

“I can neither confirm nor deny what I know.” Was her only response as she walked away.  

-He confessed later that day. 

-12 year old Ginny was a matchmaker for two clueless sixteen year olds. 

-Fred quickly realized that Ginny looked up to you. 

-It made his heart warm. 

-But then he realized something.

-You and him were getting ready for dinner at your home. 

When he turned to you, “Sweetheart?” 

“Yes?” You turned to Fred. 

“I know I’ve never asked you this. But I just realized, some girls I've dated, they immediately would kind of shun Ginny, why did you take to her so quickly?” 

“You were my best friend, why would I reject your younger sister?”

“Even then, why?” 

You sighed. “I never had a good relationship with my older siblings. Hell, they’re out there right now and I’ve never mentioned them to you.”

“Why?” 

“For a reason.” Was all you said. “They abandoned me. My sister she…” You shook your head. “I was expected to raise her two children whenever I was home at the age of fourteen. Notice how I was always stressed at the end of a school year or going home for a holiday?”

“Yeah.” 

“It was because I was helping take care of her children. My parents also raised them. But for some reason, every time she got addicted to drugs again, that expectation went to me. To be their mother. Nobody wanted her to clean up her act, they assumed that I would be the one to take care of them.” 

“What’d your sister do?” He sat next to you.

“What didn’t she do?” You sighed, setting down the photos your Mum sent. “Addicts, they deserve so much help. But then there's my sister, who goes to rehab even though her plan was to get addicted again because she wants to please her parents rather than actually get clean for her children.” You shook your head, “sorry to get so angry, I just hate the people who give mental illnesses a bad name.” 

He held out his hand, you grasped it. “When my magic developed, it was the same dynamic as Lily Potter and her sister. We were close and then...I had magic. There was a chance I wouldn’t because of the fact that my dads a muggle and my mums a witch. Whereas, my brother and sister are technically my half siblings, so they are muggles. When they learned of the Wizarding World, they were excited. New things, magic, blah, blah.” You swallowed.

“Then when I was ten, my brother got up and walked out of my life, never giving a reason. My sister's addiction was hidden for another four years after that. That’s when the chaos started.” 

He nodded and kissed your cheek. You took a deep breath, “I’m honestly glad you asked, my dad texted me, she’s gonna be there tonight.” 

He swallowed, “we’re a team alright? Give a signal and we’ll leave.” 

“What’s the signal?”

“Uh,” he searched for something. “Say Georgie texted you, that he fucked some shit up I don’t know.” He laughed. 

You laughed, “I will.” He kissed you forehead.

-The dinner did not go well. 

-It ended with a horrible fight between your sister and you. So badly that Fred was worried it was about to turn physical. He sat with your nieces, the three of them watching nervously as the bullets of your words slammed into one another. 

-That’s when your sister said they were leaving, took her kids and left. Your dad was furious at you, blaming you for the fight when it was your sister who threw the first dagger. 

You sighed, and looked at Fred, “forgot to tell you, Georgie texted me earlier.” 

-On the drive home, he held your hand. There was no sound coming from either of you, no music as the car flew to your apartment in Diagon Alley. 

-You both walked in your shared apartment, you walked to the bathroom immediately, he got ready for bed. He was worried. You had never been so silent before. 

-You walked out of the bathroom and joined him on the bed. “I’m sorry.” You whispered. “What for?” 

“For making you endure that stupid fight.�� 

“Never apologize for standing your ground.” He kissed your cheek.

“I love you.” You said. 

“I love you too, how about we go to the Burrow tomorrow, have the day with some family and relax. We can head over tomorrow morning.”

“They won't mind?”

“Like our family needs an excuse.” He wrapped you in his arms and you two dozed off. 

-And then while you were at the burrow, you got a text message. 

It was the worst day of your life. 

Call me sweetheart. 

It was your mom, you excused yourself to a greenhouse the Weasleys had added to their house. You called her:

“Mum? What’s up?” 

“She's dead, sweetheart.” 

“What?” Your heart stopped, you knew in your gut who it was. You knew but yet, you still had hope she wasn’t gone. 

Your mother then confirmed your worst fear, that your sister was dead. 

You numbingly agreed to your Mums idea of coming home for a couple weeks. And then said you needed a moment. 

Your Mum agreed. While your sister wasn’t even her child, she felt for you. 

You set your phone down on the glass table and sat down on the wicker couch. 

You held your head in your hands. 

You had a horrible fight with her the night before, she died thinking you hated her. She died thinking there would be no hope for your relationship. 

She died thinking her little sister wanted her gone. 

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. 

Your memories began to play on autopilot, of what she was like before the addiction, of being happy and actually having a relationship with each other. 

Oh god, her kids. 

Before your mind could spiral anymore, you felt a hand on your shoulder. You looked up with tears in your eyes at Fred, who immediately wrapped you in his arms. 

“What is it?” 

“She’s gone.” You whispered. You weren’t sobbing, your tears were a constant river down your cheeks. 

“Who, love?” 

Then you said your sister's name, and he squeezed you tighter. You felt him press kisses to your hair. 

After 30 minutes, his twin came looking. Fred immediately sheltered you away from the eyes of someone else. Fred began whispering to George what had happened. 

Your phone began to buzz with messages, you silenced your phone immediately. 

Fred walked over as George stood in the doorway in complete shock. “Georgies gonna distract the family while you head upstairs. I’ll talk to them.” 

You nodded, he kissed your cheek.

You numbly walked up to Fred and George’s room to hide away from people to deal with your feelings. You crawled into Fred’s bed, enjoying the warmth and the smell of cinnamon that drowned your senses. 

About thirty minutes later, you heard a knock on the door, you did not have the energy to turn around. It opened. 

“Y/N/N?” Ginny's gentle voice whispered the nickname only she could call you. 

“Hey Gin.” You whispered, not turning around. 

You heard the door shut, then you heard her soft footsteps as she walked to the bed. You felt the bed dip as she sat down. “Sister time?” 

You nodded and turned around, she immediately laid down next to you, she pulled a blanket on top of you two. You two were facing each other. 

“Fred told you I assume?” You laughed without any humor behind it. 

She nodded, “they told us all.” 

“How did George distract you?” 

She rolled her eyes, “the idiot ran outside and slipped in mud so we’d all go find him and laugh or help out.” 

Your laugh cracked as it left your mouth. “He looked scared when he found Freddie and I.” 

“We thought you guys were fighting.” She admitted. 

You huffed a laugh through your nose. She asked, “are you okay?”

“I dont know.” You said helplessly. “We didn’t have a good relationship, her and I. I’m more emotionally drained right now. I cried it all out in Fred’s arms earlier. At least she’s not in pain anymore.” You said sadly. “Addiction is a true mental illness, I wish more people cared about these people.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“I have no idea how to respond to I’m sorries so imagine I'm sending you heart emojis right now.” 

She nodded. “Do you need me to do anything?” 

“No, unless you can respond to my extended family texting me right now with their useless prayers and words.” 

“I can if you want me to.” 

“Oh yeah? What will you say?”

“Stop shoving words down her throat and let the girl breathe.” 

You two giggled, “I have half a mind to let you do that.”

“Say the word and it’s done.”

“I love you, Gin.”

“I love you too.” 

The two of you continued to talk, about your sister and what happened between you two. About a quidditch match, anything. 

The morning of the funeral, Freddie sat down next to you on the twin bed you two had to share at your parents house. 

“What’s on your mind?”

“I think I've figured out the worst part of this situation.” 

“What?” 

“That we’ll never know if it was a suicide or not.” 

He gripped your hand tighter. 

At the funeral, you had Ginny holding one hand, and Fred holding the other. The other Weasley’s were all in attendance, even Percy. Fleur came out with Bill as well as Charlie. 

You didn't realize how concerned every single Weasley sibling was. Percy had never seen you so stoic, Fleur and Bill had never witnessed you be so withdrawn, Hermione and Ron have never seen you so emotionless, so cold to your surroundings. George was concerned for his new sister, Ginny was feeling for you, her best friend. Harry was grieving for you, his older sister figure. 

Fred hated seeing you so unlike yourself. 

Her kids sat with their step-siblings. So you sat with the Weasleys. Molly and Arthur cried, not just for your sister, but they knew you lost a piece of yourself with her that you’d never get back. 

Your father and you had never had a lovey relationship, even with his daughter dead, your guard was so high up you couldn’t bring it down to give an affection to anyone but Freddie. 

Your older sister's funeral was an event that you had not planned for. 

You would now grow older than your older sister. 

-After the funeral you and the girls were in your bedroom. Fred knew you needed some girl time. The boys and parents were downstairs with yours. 

“I don’t know where to go from here.” You admitted. 

They all looked at you in response, you continued. “Even though we didn’t like each other, I always thought she’d be there.” You felt the painful prickle of tears. You sniffed. Ginny reached for your hand. 

With your free hand, you gestured to the bag in the corner. “That’s her bag, I have to go through that. I can’t make my parents do it.” 

“We’re here for you.” Hermione said. 

“I can still feel her, like her ghost is following me everywhere.” You confessed.

“I wish we had another chance at being sisters.” 

The ending is so abrupt because I can’t relive the feelings I had after my sister's death. The last line of this sums it up though.

[druggedupdog]

major tw sorry. this is pretty graphic and long. please like if you read.

chris had it all planned out the moment he started talking to me. i was eleven. it was after school, i was trying to walk home and these kids from my class kept fucking trying to follow me and rile me up because it was apparently funny watching an obviously mentally ill child have a breakdown. and chris just. appears out of nowhere and tells the kids to fuck off and they leave and i INSTANTLY want to be his friend because HOLY SHIT someone actually defended me and i was just so desperate for company and honestly at the time i was already planning to kill myself. and i just. i just tell him everything. that same day, the same day i met this complete stranger, i just start spilling my life story. my dad's an asshole and beats me, my brothers think my pain is funny, no one likes me at school and thinks i'm weird, my mom's fucking dead, i live in a moldy delapidated house with little food because my family is fucking poor, i hate church and i hate school and homework and i just want to get away from my stupid town or die. etc etc etc. and he listens and says he's gonna protect me and stupid fucking me believed him. i set myself up, i don't even know if he knew about all this prior because i thought maybe he stalked me but no i told him everything about my shitty life and he used it for his advantage.

two years later he says i'm old enough to date him. but honestly prior to that it had been maybe a month of me knowing him and he was hugging me a bit too long, smelling my hair and clothes, touching me in suggestive ways, calling me baby names and other nicknames, always talking about how hot i was and how he couldn't wait until i was older and he could fuck me. but what the fuck did i do? absolutely nothing. because i grew up in a sheltered mormon home and didn't know jack shit about sex or love or anything. i just loved the attention he gave me because fuck at least it was "positive" and i felt like such a rebel when he would buy me things i wasn't supposed to have like alcohol and cigarettes and any illegal street drug you can think of. he very easily manipulated me and i fell so fucking hard for it because i have shit for brains. anyway the literal day i turned 13 he basically pushes on me that we're dating now and i was just like "lol haha okay! whatever you say! please don't leave me!" and after school he took me to his "parent's house" while they were "on vacation" because he was very obviously 16 and definitely not lying about it. then he took me to his bedroom, told me we'd play some video games for a while, gave me some alcohol and i got drunk as shit. he kept saying some nonsense about like... how i looked really warm from the booze and i should take my clothes off to be more comfortable. i don't remember it that well. i think i did it really half-assed and he ended up taking my clothes off for me and then he started cuddling with me and touching my dick and i kept trying to push him away but i was too fucking drunk to really do anything and i just. i just kept saying stop. stop please. please please please. and he kept going until he turned me over, pushed my face into the mattress and penetrated me. it hurt so fucking bad and i tried screaming but nothing came out. i started crying and he told me that everything was okay. it was supposed to hurt. i was supposed to be scared. and i still believed him even though every part of me found it hard to believe. i black out from the alcohol and the fear. the next day i'm awake in his bed, covered in his cum, trying to process what the fuck just happened and i'm freaking out but i don't know why because chris loves me and said it was okay so why do i feel like this. why. he made me breakfast and i throw it up when i get to my dad's and he screams at me for being sick and missing school and he asks me where i was and i don't say anything and he beats me. so i go back to chris's house that night to get away and this time chris has heroin for me instead of booze and he rapes me after i shoot up and start nodding off. i find out chris is 19 after looking in his wallet for spare money while he's asleep after getting off. i go back to my dad's house because i'm uncomfortable and i get beat by my dad again. and then i go back to chris's and get raped again. back to my dad's and get beat again. back to chris's and get raped again. the cycle repeats again and again and again. until i'm 16 and my brothers snitch to my dad that i like men and i have a boyfriend and my dad beats the shit out of me, raids my room while my brothers hold me down and force me to watch as he finds candid photos chris took of me nude and getting violated by him as well as all the heroin and other drugs and paraphernalia i had stashed and hidden in my room. he beats the shit out of me AGAIN and starts throwing all of my shit out of my bedroom window and when i run out to grab it all he locks the door behind me and doesn't let me back in. so i go back to chris's house and beg him to let me live with him and he obviously agrees.

so then i get raped for even more months but at this point i'm just conditioned to accept it no matter how much i hate it. then chris starts yelling at me for trivial things. then he threatens me. then he starts hitting me. then he locks me in the moldy spare bedroom with only a dirty old mattress in it whenever we disagree over shit and starves me for days. at this point i'm very deep in my heroin addiction, so he forces me into withdrawal whenever i'm locked up and i am in so much physical anguish. he only comes in to give me my fix and rape me. sometimes he only rapes me and i feel and remember everything so i actually scream during these times and he shoves his fingers in my mouth to shut me up and if i bite down he slaps me. this goes on for two fucking years. but i stay because i need the drugs and i need the love and attention and he really does love me he's just going through a phase he'll apologize and see what he's doing eventually i still see glimpses of it sometimes when he lets me out of the room and cuddles and kisses me and calls me his cute little boy. but then as i approach my 18th birthday i find out he's molesting another 13 year old. i dont do anything. when i'm 18 he tells me he's had enough of my shit and kicks me out. i beg and plead for him to let me stay. i promise him i'll do anything for him i'll let him rape me nonstop all day or murder me if that's what he wants to do. i tell him i love him so much we're meant to be together i want to marry him i want to spend the rest of my life with him and get high all day with him. he tells me he doesn't care. i'm useless to him now because i'm an adult. i'm a pathetic junkie and i was just an experiment because he had a fetish he really wanted to test out and i seemed like a good target. he's already found another child to lust over and torture the same way he did to me.

this post is long and i basically spilled my life story but i dont care i don't anymore i'm going to kill myself. i quit heroin but i regret it so fucking bad EVEN THOUGH IT REMINDS ME OF HIM ITS THE DRUG HE USED TO HURT ME AND TORTURE ME FOR YEARS AND YEARS I WAS TORTURED INA DIRTY ROOM FOR YEARS USED AS HIS CUM RAG. i can't get over it. i abused heroin because i was in so much pain. i didn't want to handle it all it was just too much. i need it again because the memories just keep coming back every time i lay down and close my eyes. i want it to go away i want the pain gone it hurts. it hurts all the time. i hurt everywhere all the time and i can't process it. why. why did he and my dad leave me so broken like this. wouldn't it have been less effort to just kill me? it would hurt me less, actually. it would have been more humane. i wouldn't have to suffer the memories, the nightmares, the panic attacks, the learned behaviors, the harmful coping mechanisms and self-medication, the mental anguish that manifests as intense physical pain, the nonstop crying and bouts of rage that make everyone around me fear me. i can't be normal anymore. i'm just like this now and i never wanted it and i can't be a useful contribution to society. the last actual job i had i lost because a coworker made a rape joke and i beat him over it. i'm some fucking animal i'm not human anymore. i don't want to be this.

so it's either go back to heroin again and possibly lose ethan over it or kill myself and i guess suffer the consequence of death and hurt ethan. those are the options because i can't do this shit anymore, sorry.

[viktorfm]

(MAXENCE DANET-FAUVEL, NONBINARY) - Have you seen VIKTOR SAMUELS? VIKTOR is in HIS/THEIR SENIOR year. The VISUAL ARTS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say HE/THEY are OBSERVANT, INGENIOUS, RETICENT and DEPENDENT. Rumors say they’re a member of KINCAID. I heard from the gossip blog that THEY'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH THEIR THERAPIST. (JAMES. 21. EST. THEY/THEM.)

dont. look at me. i know. anyways if it wasnt obvs i abandoned cupid (n darrow) in order 2 bring the two ocs tht he ws inspired by n ws a combination of bt. theyre better as different ppl methinks.

DEATH, HEAVY GRIEF, OVERDOSE / DRUG ADDICTION, HOSPITALIZATION, HYPERSEXUALITY, RELIGION MENTIONS TW

aesthetic.

old tvs and their static, worn tapes, horror movie screams, spilled ink, a sculptor’s hands, clay-stained, chicken scratch handwriting, messy notes, messy hair, scoffs and eye-rolls, bruised knuckles, sore throats, funeral homes and a crying preacher, shattered ceramics, knife fights, high ledges, vertically-striped pants, red lights, the moon shrouded in clouds, cigarette butts, graveyards and half-empty wine bottles, sitting there for hours and talking to nothing, about nothing, a god complex, gold rings adorning both hands, barbwire baseball bats, having never played baseball in your life, deep eyebags and broken mirrors, a permanent chip on one’s shoulder, yearning, longing, wishing.

basics.

full name: viktor phillip samuels

nickname(s): icky vicky :/

b.o.d. - january 2nd, 1996

label(s): the black hole, the crepehanger, the impious, the opaque, the tempest, etc.

height: 6′1″

hometown: preaker, vermont

sexuality: pansexual uwu

pinterest

stats

favorite song: disorder, joy division / it’s getting faster, moving faster / now it’s getting out of hand / on the tenth floor, down the back stairs / it’s a no man’s land / lights are flashing, cars are crashing / getting frequent now / i’ve got the spirit, lose the feeling / let it out somehow

background.

born to mama and papa (preacher) samuels in preaker, vermont - fifteen minutes after his twin sister, tatiana samuels. years later, rosa samuels joined the gang.

was an awkward, quiet kid growing up, he didn’t interact well with others and preferred being left alone to dig up worms and draw on the walls of their childhood home. the only exception was his twin, really.

as he got older he grew out of this, but instead became like … sort of an asshole? maybe to compensate for years of childhood awkwardness. he’s the sort of person who will bite the hand that feeds him & developed into a full time nuisance by middle school, unlike tatiana who was much more subtle about her conniving manners.

always has been a fan of ‘darker’ materials. grim & creepy morbid shit. probably the biggest tim burton fan, ever since he was a kid … not a good look for a preacher’s son, but he never really felt ‘in’ with the rest of his family to begin with. classic black sheep syndrome.

drew disturbing pictures as a kid that probably prompted one or two or five phone calls home to assure everything was fine.

just really had a knack for art at a young age, from drawing to painting to playing with clay. it’s always been his thing and probably is the only thing he’s good at.

being twins with tatiana was hard. they were near opposite besides both being quite mean-spirited. tatiana handled being in public better, left a better image behind - but viktor had talent, more than she did. they loved each other deeply - y’know, those unbreakable twin bonds as cliche as it sounds - but found each other as competition for their parents’ attention. a rivalry for affection.

in high school is when viktor really started to act out. it started extreme, like losing his virginity in their church and vandalism around the neighborhoods. faked being possessed in the middle of sunday service & almost had an exorcism performed on him.

his only redeemable trait was like … just his sheer talent in the arts. was in a 3d art ap course and specialized in sculptures. he could pretty much create anything he wanted with enough dedication.

because he was the problem child, the one who deserved to be disciplined for all his antics, tatiana could sneak away and get away with whatever she wanted much easier. on the bright-side, for her, i guess.

not a very motivated person - wasn’t planning on going to college, much less going to yates but his parents literally wrote & sent his college application for him because they weren’t going to house a deadbeat but had too much heart to kick him out onto the streets. cool!

he’s actually pretty smart but he just doesn’t apply himself. has a minor in english because he didn’t care for an extra course-load, but he’s good at writing & analyzing literature. is going to use it to write and illustrate his own series of children books with a style similar to tim burton’s. not for the kids, but because he likes to leave a trail of terror in whatever he does.

has been experimenting with himself since high school but college is where he really had started to crack down on himself. was out as pansexual & nonbinary by his sophomore year of college just … not to his parents, who don’t really need to know.

if you asked him if he believed in twins having a psychic connection with each other - he’d tell you he wouldn’t know. it felt believable at times, but sometimes he had no idea what was going on inside of tatiana’as head. on the other hand - viktor had always felt oddly transparent to her, like she knew all of his moves before he did. the only person who could predict him accurately.

( tw death, grief, overdose / hospitalization beyond this point )

when tatiana disappeared, viktor knew something was up. it was a twist in his gut, pure instinct that something wasn’t right. and it wasn’t right - and when she was proclaimed missing, they couldn’t find her.

and when tatiana died - viktor knew. it felt wrong, something cut so severely in him he could pinpoint her death to the second. he didn’t know how, or why, but he knew it. knew it before anybody else had.

afterwards he went on a sort of bender. he’d begun to struggle with a mild drug addiction late senior year of high school / early college, but he was managing it up until this point.

his mental health had also sunk to an all-time low, when it’d never been great to begin with. (manic & depressive episodes. once fixated on a sculpting project for six months and then knocked it off the table and destroyed it as soon as he finished it for no apparent reason.)

tatiana’s body wasn’t found immediately, and when it was … viktor went off the rails. ended up overdosing & being hospitalized. spent six months in & out of psychiatric care after that.

came back to yates to finish his senior year because … for the reasons above, he hadn’t been able to complete it. just wants to get his credits and get out of here.

is still dealing with a lot of trauma & grief - causes him to spiral and be unpredictable in regards of his mental health. he stopped taking his medication, so. :/ some days are alright, other days are pretty bad.

personality & facts.

the human embodiment of a gremlin that was fed after midnight. a goblin, if you will. one of those cats with a narrow head and really big ears … that’s them!

a big horror & halloween enthusiast. loves the old campy horror movies & probably has an abundance of masks from different movies. dresses like a grimy millennial beetlejuice more than they should because they just … love those black & white vertical-striped pants.

can appreciate the ~urban legends~ at yates and likes to feed into the fear that surrounds them. is probably the cause of a few ‘anomalies’ and ‘paranormal sightings’ because they’re just … a jerk.

fashion alternates between e-boy (they would be tiktok famous if they were 17 & didn’t think that a majorly minor based app was weird.), millennial beetlejuice, and goth in a crop top & sweatpants. big fan of crop tops and a big fan of sweatpants.

they can be really fucking mean? petty, aggressive, a major instigator. will literally spit in your face for little to no reason, you could just look at them the wrong way. the kind of person who will stick their gum into someone else’s hair. other than that? they’re like … sort of okay. they’re not always mean, just a dick about 90% of the time lmao

like okay yeah they’ll call someone a stinky bitch for no reason except they feel like it and believes it. it’s fine, they’re fine, we’re fine.

despite the fact that they’re probably getting into a fight whenever, considers themself to be a lover and not a fighter but that’a primarily because they fuck a lot. uses it as a coping mechanism, like they’re this big fancy carnival show that’s like ‘come one, come all! fuck the dead girl’s twin brother!’ and it’s … a lot. might have a problem with hypsersexuality but they’re not fully aware of it.

the preacher’s whore son, basically :)

pansexual & nonbinary, switches between he & they pronouns often and without a pattern, but they have such a fragile grip on their identity that you could call them ‘dog-faced bitch’ and they’d turn around like. sup.

vastly impulsive … like i said, they destroy their own creations for the fun of it. spends all their money on useless shit, will cheat on someone because they feel like it & likes the thrill, screams into the night sky frequently like a cat in heat.

will also spend months creating useless shit for no reason too. spent six of them sculpting a hollowed out tree the size of them & then took a sledgehammer to it.

they’re very super dramatic. would play the organ at church when nobody was looking after them and service was about to start. would just churn out these super haunting, creepy melodies like they were phantom of the opera. would do the same exact thing at home on their keyboard with the pipe organ setting whenever they got grounded until their parents took it away hbdsjfngkh

will absolutely not talk about their ‘time away’ because it’s not anyone’s business, not even their own younger sister. still refuses to talk about tatiana’s death, or their mental health, or their addiction (fallen back into it but it hasn’t gotten severe … yet :/), or anything involving their own emotions.

will just change the topic abruptly, no warning. asks about the jonas brothers instead and they fucking hate the jonas brothers.

that being said they’re absolutely not over tatiana’s death & it’s to the point of obsession over it. like there’s some kind of secret that needs to be uncovered, even though there just. isn’t. tatiana was their rock and they were pretty much dependent on her. kept them grounded. could control them when nobody else could, got into their head easier than others. it’s sort of like rosa lost two siblings that day because viktor hasn’t been the same since.

emotionally unavailable while also crying twice a day. cries during their brawls but still wins. is stony-faced when they tell you they cheated on you with your much hotter best friend.

will tell you straight up what they want from you, no bullshit & no beating around the bush. just blunt. if they want to fuck, nothing else, then that’s it. if they feel deviation or developing feelings then they’ll ghost in less than a second. is awful like that but feels no shame.

but also emotional as shit and it’s confusing. will cry on a whim and then flip you off if you try to console them or ask them what’s up. will bite you.

they go to therapy but they just fuck around and wastes their therapists’ time … also is fucking their therapist, but that’s neither here nor there. so they’re not really getting the help they need.

likes to be intimidating but not … with their body or anything because they’re a twig but uses their love & knowledge of horror and creepy shit to their advantage. has an abundance of fake blood. has channeled the energy of jack nicholson and used it on tatiana’s boyfriends before (also is a big fan of sfx makeup & has dabbled in it)

probably chases kids around with a chainsaw without the chain on halloween every year.

generally never doing good, both mental health wise & morally. would probably steal candy from a baby for funsies.

i don’t know if there’s a good to them somewhere deep down, but they don’t see any issues with themself either. nothing really breaks through to them anymore because the only person who ever made them stop and think about their actions was tatiana, and well, y’know. :/

an introverted reclusive type who doesn’t like most people or going out, but does so anyway if it means a quick high & a cheap thrill.

pretty observant and likes to analyze people even though they’re often like … partially wrong. judgmental because they like to make people feel bad, not because they’re a righteous mighty person. because they’re not. so like, a hypocrite!

wanted connections.

religious trauma? oh worm ;; three cheers fr <3 guilt <3 anyways uh. just people tht viktor hs known thru the church in some way even tho hes a fkn. freak now. maybe even family friends. 

the horror of our love :/ ;; hmm. any romance tht cld b toxic i think this cld fit. just rly a bad fit. viktor doesnt rly know hw to love so nothing rly lasts bt. maybe they try n try n nothing works bt they keep trying. cld also just be anything unrequited.

little fkn gremlins ;; theyre all evil n mean. bt theyre all friends. <3 

you are nothing ;; uuh. enemy plots. spicy enemies. rly bad enemies. rivals. they r brutal towards each other bcos nothing viktor does is ever soft.

fuck u dont pity me ;; uh. people who try to get close to viktor n he just. bites at them. he’s like no. bc he assumes ppl who r kind in response 2 his vileness r. theres smth wrong w them. n it might hv to do with pity. n he hates pity.

ugh. locals x ;; ppl who also grew up around preaker, vermont. the samuels r <3 well known folks n the uh. hm. the murder is an ongoing case. so they cld know abt it <3

dont tell anybody x ;; this is for soft plots. i dont know much about soft plots but. 

maybe i am part of the problem ;; the problem is chlamydiagate. this is a hook-ups connection. fwbs n one night stands. ppl viktor hs brutally ghosted. he doesnt acknowledge their existence outside of these events, perhaps. 

dont u just wna go apeshit ;; this is where viktor becomes a bad influence.

bt uh. anything. pelase

[zontiky]

Okay but au where they're not all related and five is a mysterious orphan Diego keeps running into at odd hours of the night and then him just being like "fuck it he's like 13 he can't be out alone at night" and then just takes him home like a godamn stray and five is THRIVING under the positive attention he never had I beg of you please feed my soul. Also sorry if this doesn't make sense I've had 2 hours of sleep and like 8 coffees today

i think i’ve read a fic similar to this but FUCK YEAH let’s do this (sorry im so late btw i havent been feeling bullet points lately fksjdfks) ALSO HEY OP PLEASE DON’T DIE I HOPE YOU’RE OK??? 

so diego is still a cop and he’s patrolling or doing whatever it is that cops do, and then he sees a kid sitting in an alley

obviously he pulls over like “hey kid you okay?” and the kid is like “shut up go away bootlicker” and diego is instantly “okay then come on im taking you to get food”

the kid doesn’t want to go but at the same time diego can tell he knows that there’s really no better options. this child looks hungry

so the kid and diego go to griddy’s and the kid says his name is five when asked

“that’s not a name”

“is too”

diego+fam have a long history of trauma and reginald called them by number which was their birth order or something? idk OH SHIT WAIT YOU SAID NOT ALL RELATED OK OK COOL SO

luther is a mechanic who diego knows because he’s the dude who’s often the one repairing his car, they’re on pretty good terms and go out for coffee sometimes because luther hates alcohol and diego’s body is a temple so he doesn’t drink

diego is diego he’s a cop but he’s highkey broke and i really don’t know how much cops get paid? hm

ok google says from 34.6k - 89.4k a year and numbers mean nothing to me so lets say he’s just a gremlin who lives in a boiler room because it’s efficient

OR he’s still dating eudora and lives with her

you know what that’s probably the better option i’m gonna go with that. they don’t have as much childhood trauma even though none of the “siblings” come from exactly good homes? but none of them were raised by reggie mcfuckface so it’s less like,,, bad even though they’re all fucked up

WAIT DO THEY HAVE THEIR POWERS

HELL YEAH THEY HAVE THEIR POWERS

ok ok so luther is a mechanic who uses his super strength and endurance to just fucking carry cars around his garage and i know NOTHING about mechanics as a profession but but but luther is good at what he does

diego is a cop who lives with eudora and throws knives like a boss. he also throws tennis balls really hard because stabbing people on duty isn’t advised

you know what? i’m gonna say allison ISNT a movie star, shes a smaller actress with minor roles here and there because she’s a mom and spends time with claire. she doesn’t use her rumor as much because honestly she doesn’t see a reason to? like sometimes she’ll go “i heard a rumor you gave me a free shot of coffee” and like,,, that’s it shfskd

her and patrick are still divorced but that’s because they did it the healthy way. they knew they were drifting apart but instead of rumoring him they broke it off mutually and they still meet up for coffee. they’re friends ok. claire loves her parents

klaus! klaus has problems but because im a soft bitch dave is here in 2019. he’s… also a mechanic…. they all know eachother but dave knows luther and diego pretty well. luther via work and diego via luther

yes klaus! so klaus has a history of drugs and addiction, because while he wasn’t shoved into a mausoleum ghosts screaming at you all the fucking time doesn’t help with staying sober

but because he has a support network he can fall back on he’s doing well, he’s a barista in a coffee shop that allison and patrick & diego and luther frequent

shoutout to klaus

five is an orphan he’s 13 and small and kind of a genius? fuck what if as a kid five accidentally time-traveled to 2019 and thaT’S HOW HE BECAME AN ORPHAN 

galaxy brain

so five is this kid in the wrong time living on the streets not knowing how things work

i mean he does obviously because he catches on quick and he’s smart but really he doesn’t know how some shit works ok. he’s clueless when it comes to technology and pop culture and shit

ben!! ben is alive!! he’s a part time writer and a full time librarian!! he knows klaus because during his homeless days klaus stuck around the library because free bathrooms and also reading to take his mind off the ghosts. they become really close and ben gets klaus to move in with him and then he’s trying to get sober and then ben’s car crashes and that’s how they meet luther and dave OHHHH

additionally: klaus illustrates some of ben’s books because he knows how to draw yay

vanya! she’s first chair in the orchestra and she’s dating helen cho because i say so

so vanya kicks ass at violin, she’s being gay teaching lessons all that good shit what more is there to say

harold isn’t here because there was never an umbrella academy

hmmm back to the,,, actual plot,,, im sorry sksfhdjsk

SO DIEGO FINDS FIVE RIGHT

AND HE’S LIKE “oh no this child is awakening my paternal instincts oh no i have to take him home with me now”

eudora opening the door to see her husband boyfriend with an angry looking teenager at his side: dear god what did you do this time

eudora instantly bonds with five and i mean INSTANTLY like she lays eyes on him and goes “child?? small?? looks lonely?? must protect” and five looks at her like “badass looking lady she probably knows what shes doing might as well ask for info and stuff” but hes actually thinking “oh dang she looks like she knows what she’s doing RESPECT” and yeah ksdjhsdkf

then five expects them to be mean or just get tired of him and kick him out but?? they dont??? wack

diego is instantly like “kid where do you live”

‘um’

“you live somewhere right???”

‘UM’

they find out he’s legally dead and thats another can of worms entirely

so they register and foster five

diego and eudora are registered foster parents you cannot change my mind alright

then five is introduced to luther and dave, and also ben and klaus because theyre hanging around the shop bc it’s their off day

so five instantly has 4 more people giving him instant love and validation and he’s like “woah”

THEN ALLISON AND PATRICK

claire too,, claire immediately adopts five as her older brother

this entire time five is like “i can’t stay im gonna leave soon you all know this right” and eveybody is “yep ok sure” but they all know hes gonna stay

hhHHHH GAME NIGHTS

five beats everybody at scrabble

diego beats everybody at darts, even though everybody calls him out for cheating

vanya beats everybody at musical chairs. she levitates the chairs so nobody can sit down

luther beats everybody at outdoor games. do not play tag with this man you might not make it out alive

allison is the QUEEN of blurt! 

ben is so good at charades it’s unfair

klaus honestly sucks at board games, but he always wins uno and nobody knows how (its the ghosts skfhsdkf)

five is so confused because its obvious all of them are cheating but??? nobody cares?? what

“it’s because it’s fun nobody is actually upset”

whaaaaaaat

so they have to explain to him that they dont play to win they play to have fun and its just a fun thing they do to spend time together and bond

five: mind blown

THEY TAKE HIM TO AN AQUARIUM

BEN JUST CHILLS WITH THE OCTOPI THE ENTIRE TIME

FIVE BONDS WITH CRABS

THEY ALL LOVE SEALS

five gets exposed to modern culture!! klaus and ben teach him memes is what i’m saying 

five goes to school!!! he makes friends!!!! they have nice sleepovers and diego and eudora make them cookies :’)

i want to say. okay so.

reginald exists and he had made grace eariler as preparation for the children he was going to adopt, but he died before he could buy any babies

so grace exists! and!! she knows the “siblings”!!!

so five has a grandma because im not going to lie grace is basically all of their’s mom

she lives in the mansion but she can go outside and DO THINGS and she makes them COOKIES and she LOVES HER KIDS and GRANDKIDS and five ADORES her ok

basically five is happy with his pseudo family that’s it thank you for your time

wait no actually he figures out how to time travel safely and he does go back and forth

sometimes he pops in and he’s like “hey we ran out of milk” and then a second later he’s like “for the love of god wait until tomorrow to get milk dont ask why you dont wanna know” and its obvious that he came back from the future and HHHHHH YES

the commission can’t do shit because found family love is simply too strong

hazel and agnes are the nice couple who run griddys and birdwatch

five is fond of them too honestly like he just loves going to griddys because it has so many happy memories for him and its where he met diego (sorta) and also yay hazel and agnes!!

SO YEAH BASICALLY: FIVE IS HAPPY AND THIS AU IS GOD TIER THANK YOU

THIS IS A GOOD ONE I LIKE THIS AU THANK YOU

[thechangeling]

The one thing you can never do.

Whoops I've got another Kitty fanfic. Apparently I'm going through something so dont mind me.

It's funny how sometimes, after going through so much effort to get away from something, you find yourself ending up right back where you started. Kit wasn't the sort of person to believe in fate or destiny, but maybe there was something inevitable about certain factors of his life. Like he was always meant to be a shadowhunter and maybe he was always meant to end up back in LA. Or maybe that wasn't actually what was inevitable about Kit's life. Maybe his destiny had nothing to do with a specific place or location. Maybe it had everything to do with a person.

Kit wasn't exactly sure why he was having a bit of an existential crisis at such a late hour, but after being submerged back in the Blackthorn circus for a day, he needed to be alone with his thoughts. There was another apocalyptic crisis occurring in LA that the Los Angeles institute seemed to be the center of once again. So the Blackthorns and what Kit liked to call "The Blackthorn Adjacents" had sent out a distress call to New York and also to Tessa and Jem for reinforcements.

The interesting thing about Kit's particular brand of bad luck is that if this wasn't an emergency Ty wouldn't have even been there. Kit knew from hearing Tessa mention it off hand that Ty had gone to study at the scholomance but the threat of an impending war had most likely brought him back home. So Kit had basically dug his heels into the ground and refused to move.

"I'm not going." He had insisted. "They don't need me, it'll be fine." Jem and Tessa had exchanged one of those annoying married couple looks, as if they were communicating telepathically. Then Jem had delivered the money line.

"But what if Ty is in trouble?"

For someone usually so kind and sensitive it was more then a little manipulative, but Kit knew it was for the greater good. So he joined his adoptive parents and his baby sister as they passed through the portal to LA and tried not to hyperventilate. However funnily enough amongst all the chaos of so many shadowhunters being in one place as well as many influential downworlders, he had yet to find himself in a situation where he was forced to speak to Ty. Any time they were in the same room Ty would avoid his gaze and essentially pretend that Kit did not exist.

Which suited him just fine. If Ty wanted to be petty then so could Kit. There was a part of him (arguably much more logical and level headed) that was berating him for this kind of ridiculous behavior. However in situations like this, it would seem that no matter how hard he tried to be honest and express his true feelings, something always stopped him. It was almost as if some cold and dark force took over, wrapping itself around Kit's heart and preventing anyone from getting through.

It was internal struggles such as these that lead him to the roof. He could see why both Mark and Ty liked coming up here so much. There was something quite peaceful and relaxing about being so far away from the rest of the world especially considering the chaos downstairs. It was interesting to Kit how you could clearly see that every person in that institute played a distinct role in the process of stopping this threat.

Everyone except for him.

Sometimes on dark long nights he would wonder if anyone would really notice if he disappeared forever. However this time before he could slip farther into that black hole, he heard footsteps behind him, disturbing his solitude. This was a little irritating

"I'm sorry I just really need to be alone right now" Kit called out to the night without turning around.

"I know the feeling" came the reply in the form of a deep familiar voice that seemed to seep into his bones and flow through his viens, infecting every part of him. Even after three years he would know that voice anywhere.

Ty.

Kit let out a shakey exhale and closed his eyes. He was far too tired to be cold or passive aggressive. So instead of telling Ty to leave him alone, accompanied by some very colorful language, or making some spiteful remark, Kit turned around to face him. Ty was standing with his arms crossed and his signature headphones slung around his neck. His face was blank, devoid of any emotion but his fingers were fiddling with the strings on his hoodie, rolling them between his right thumb and pointed finger. His left hand was fluttering slightly at his side. Kit fought the urge to reach for him. God sometimes it was like he was a drug addict. Just constantly jonesing for his next fix of Ty.

He waited for Ty to speak, but he just stared back at Kit. Even though eye contact was difficult for him, he was looking Kit dead in the eye. And then,

" You are so difficult" Ty spoke with an even voice which was even more irritating then the remark itself. This time he couldn't bite back a retort.

"I'm the difficult one?" Kit exclaimed clenching his hands into fists in an attempt to control his temper. "You're the one who has been avoiding me this whole time genius!" Kit saw Ty flinch at the remark but he wasn't done. Not by a long shot.

"I came here against my better judgement, because I wanted to try and fix what we broke three years ago and you spend all this time acting like I dont exist! Then out of blue you finally come up to me just to tell me I'm difficult?" Kit knew he was raising his voice but he just couldn't bring himself to care. "I mean honestly Ty if you really hate me that much then just tell me straight to my face and get it over with!" Kit yelled, his voice beganing to crack.

Ty was avoiding his gaze now and had wrapped both his arms around himself squeezing tightly, his fingernails digging into his arms. Almost instantly Kit felt all of his anger begin to drain out of his body. Upsetting Ty was still the worst thing in the world.

"You left me." Ty's voice was a harsh whisper barely loud enough to register. Ty shifted his gaze back to meet Kit's. There were tears in his eyes. Kit's heart jolted at the sight. Ty took a deep breath, dropped his hands to his sides and stepped towards him. Kit found it was becoming increasingly difficult to breathe.

"You told me that you wished you had never met me during what was probably the most difficult experience of my life, and then you just left" Ty stated pointedly. Kit felt the urge to protest, to tell him that the only reason any of that happened was because of what Ty said. However, something about his tone made Kit feel as though all of the resistance had been sucked out of his body.

He was completely at the mercy of Ty.

It wasn't the first time and it certainly wouldn't be the last.

Ty took another breath and closed his eyes. "You have to understand, I needed Livvy. I have never known how to do any of this without her" Ty gestured around himself vaguely. " I never had to. Then when I lost her, it was like everything was spun into chaos around me and I couldn't breathe." Ty's voice was becoming shakey and uneven as his fingers started fluttering again. "So I had to get her back Kit, because I couldn't live like that. You have to understand!" Ty pleaded.

Kit felt some of his anger returning, not just at Ty but at himself as well for sympathizing with him. " See that's the problem Ty" Kit began, failing to keep the venom out of his voice. " I do understand! I understand why you did what you did. I always have." Kit found himself moving towards Ty. "I mean it was a stupid plan and I should have stopped you, but I still get it. That's not why I was mad." Ty looked confused but calm.

"Then why were you angry Kit?"

Kit shivered slightly at the way Ty said his name. It was no longer harsh and dripping with malice or frustration. It was the was the way he used to say it, before. Back when they were younger, before everything went to shit. It was soft and sweet and Kit was pretty sure it was his favourite sound in the whole world. He was tempted to just ask Ty to forget about it, forget about all of it so they could put the past behind them and move on.

But he couldn't. Not when the memory was still so clear.

So Kit swallowed down his feelings and pushed on. "You said I was nothing Ty" he stated mournfully, looking down away from Ty's gaze. "You told Livvy that there was nothing if she wasn't here." There was a moment of silence, so Kit raised his head. Ty was staring at him with utter shock and confusion. And there was something else. Something Kit couldn't quite place.

But he knew that it was something he never wanted to see it again.

Ty was shaking his head slowly in disbelief. "That isn't what I meant. I was grieving Kit! I wasn't paying attention to what I was saying." Ty explained mournfully. He moved even closer to Kit so there was barely any space left between them and gently placed his hand against Kit's cheek. "Did you honestly believe that I didnt care about you? That all our time together meant nothing?"

Kit was shaking slightly, not from anger but from holding back the tears. He wished he could break Ty's gaze but it was almost if there was some sort of magnetic pull refusing to let Kit look away. He closed his eyes for a moment to compose himself, and when he opened them, he found Ty still gazing at him with an unusual softness.

Kit took a breath, shaking his head slowly. "I don't know Ty. It was just easy." Tears were threatening to spill down his cheeks. Ty was looking at him with confusion, his fingers twitching at his side. "Easy?" Ty murmered raising his other hand to lightly wipe away Kit's tears. "Why Kit? I dont understand."

Kit took a step back letting Ty's hands fall back to his sides. All of a sudden he couldn't bear to have Ty so close. "Because honestly, why would you?" Kit confessed shakily. "Why would you care about me when nobody else ever has? My whole life, I've always been treated like a tool or a weapon. Like something useful or handy to have around when the situation calls for it, or as an inconvenience that you want to get rid of, but never like an actual person." Kit was aware that he was rambling at this point but he just couldn't seem to stop himself. His entire body was shaking slightly, either from the tears he was trying to hold in or from the anger.

Honestly it was probably both.

Kit could see that Ty was clearly upset by this but he stayed silent letting Kit continue. And there it was again, that same perplexing look on Ty's face. The one he couldn't quite put a name to. But Kit just kept going.

"You don't understand what it's like to spend your entire life not being loved! No matter how alone you may have felt at times, you've always had a family who would die for you! You have spent your entire life surrounded by love Ty and you will never understand what it's like to be completely and utterly alone!" Kit was well aware that he was spiraling at this point but he needed to get it out. He needed to be able to finally tell someone.

"And I'm starting to think that no matter what I do, I'll always be alone and maybe no one's ever gonna love-"

Kit didnt get the chance to finish his sentence. He didnt get the chance to finish whatever the hell he was about to say because Ty was pulling him close and pressing his lips to Kit's in a frantic kiss.

Ty was kissing him.

Ty was kissing him.

Ty's lips were harsh and cold against Kit's. He was pressing his fingertips into Kit's skin, gripping onto him frantically. The kiss was messy and unpracticed but Ty was kissing him with everything that he had and Kit could hardly think of anything else.

Kit could hardly think at all.

Then suddenly Ty broke the kiss and let go of him. Kit found himself instant missing the feel of Ty's touch. He was staring at Kit again with that same fierce intensity with tears in his eyes and Kit found it hard to breathe at the sight. He knew that whatever Ty was about to tell him was extremely important otherwise he most likely would have looked away by now.

"Don't" Ty stated simply, his voice full of misery and heartbreak.

"What?" Kit breathed still in a daze. "Don't? Don't what Ty?" He wasn't sure what was going on or what Ty was asking for, but he was fully prepared to give it to him. He would give anything for Ty to stop looking at him like that.

Ty shook his head slightly and closed his eyes. When he opened them again they were filled with tears.

"Don't Kit." Ty spoke with a frightening intensity. "Dont you dare say that no one loves you." "You can be angry all you want, angel knows you deserve it. You can even hate me if it makes you feel better." Ty was shaking again, tears sliding down his cheeks. Kit wanted to try and comfort him but he found himself frozen in place.

"But the one thing-" Ty continued, "the one thing you can never do, is say that I don't love you."

Kit's heart stuttered in his chest. If he didn't know better he would have thought he was going into cardiac arrest. Every muscle in his body had frozen in place. He willed himself to move, to breathe, to do anything, but it seemed that all he could do was reply those words from Ty over and over in his head.

Ty loved him?

Ty loved him.

Kit was pretty sure he was about to pass out.

Ty must have recognized his shock, as he carefully took Kit's hand in his. Ty stared down and their intertwined hands for a moment and Kit did what he had become quite an experience at. He stared at Ty.

" I'm sorry you didnt realize it before" Ty finally spoke, his thumb tracing patterns against Kit's hand. "I thought you knew. I thought I had made it obvious to you, but I know that most people dont pick up on the ways I express my feelings." Kit opened his mouth to protest but Ty cut him off.

"No it's True, and I'm honestly not angry with you for being confused. I should have just told you, but I was confused for awhile." Ty tentatively raised Kit's hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss to the back of it. Kit felt a shiver run over every inch of his skin.

"I'm sorry I didnt say it back before that day on the beach. When everything went wrong. I didnt know what you meant at first, why exactly you were saying it and why then. I love you can mean lots of different things as I've learned over the years." Ty was looking at him again and continuing to run his fingers along Kit's skin, making shapes of some sort.

Runes. Kit realized. He was tracing runes.

"I understand that" Kit replied. His voice was hoarse from not talking for awhile. He cleared his throat. "I mean obviously not completely, but I get where you're coming from." Ty tilted his head slightly in confusion at the figure of speech. "Where?" he asked.

Kit smiled brightly. Somehow Ty had the innate ability to make everything either adorable, or downright beautiful. "I love you so much" he said in lieu of an answer. Ty's eyes lit up at Kit's confession. "I know" Ty replied, finally releasing his hand. Kit silently mourned the loss of contact.

Ty started backing up towards the hatch, a thoughtful smile taking over his features. He then stopped and stared at Kit for awhile, biting his lip. He then broke into another beautiful smile.

"I love you too Cristopher. Now are you coming?"

And with that, Ty turned around and dropped back down the hatch leading back into the institute. Kit chuckled softly to himself.

Of course he was.

[gayliensav]

the opening card of fear the walking dead is literally the most annoying sound to my overly sensitive ears

but im starting a rewatch, just gonna keep updating this post below the cut

S1E01: “Pilot” 

ahahhaha that millennial daughter of theirs not watching to eat gluten. Bet the local white moms who are casual watchers for Norman loved this joke

Alicia is the only character I have liked from the very beginning (besides like...Strand, but he wasn’t in the first ep)

Like I know everyone is up Madison’s ass (at least they were last time I checked and I’m a few seasons behind), but I don’t like her or Travis all that much

Nick changed for me, I used to hate him but he got a little better

Nick hating Travis???? A BIG FUCKING MOOD

Like I understand that as the viewers who watch TWD we’re supposed to be annoyed with their decisions, which is how I feel from the beginning, but I do realize that’s how they want us to feel.

“You need to take Christopher” “i DoNt WaNnA gO”

He’s literally asking his son, a teenager, to come and spend the weekend in the hospital with someone he barely knows, like what does he expect here??

the lead up draaaaags on for too long

*slams fist on desk* wheres isaac lahey

I think one of the main problems with the relationships in this show is that there’s no lead up and no development, they just immediately love each other. Like with Rick and Michonne, we had seasons of lead up, but not with these two. The writers of this are capable of writing good relationships, they just chose to drag these two heteros into the main stage without giving them any backstory in the beginning.

This liveblog is going to consist of me making quips and then actual analysis of stuff

i walked out of the room to go to the bathroom and didnt miss anything

this one kids got it covered, tobias is prolly still out there

thats what I expected Paul Rovia to be like at the beginning of the apocalypse. Everyone is like dicking around and hes like nah fam and yeets his body outta town

the whole show is on 123movies, btw, dont give amc the numbers by watching it on their site. They also don’t have the first few seasons available anyways, so

like why don’t they just go check the building instead of saying Nick was just drugged. Like I know he was high, but he saw dead bodies, they need to call the police and have them check that shit out. Instead Travis just goes there by himself. Ricky Grimes would not approve.

I forget how long until the actual apocalypse stuff happens, but I’m getting a teeny bit bored already.

“Something really bad happened there” “I don’t care” lmao WHAT, Madison????

“You cannot enable him” IM HOWLING THESE WORDS JUST CAME FROM MADISON’S MOUTH

I paused and 50 pop ups came up, thanks

you know alicia’s bf goes down

IS THAT ANDRE FROM VICTORIOUS 

ITS LEON 

they really teased us with an almost-zombie huh almost like they knew we were bored

fffff there aint a doubt in my mind that anyone from the pilot except tobias and alicia survived this show

nick’s yeetin outta here

Like the concept of being in a huge city during the beginning was great, but we didn’t really get very much of that. The first few episodes especially when Travis was trying to get Chris and was stuck in that barber shop was great. Like that’s one of the few episodes of this that really stick in my mind. Those crazy fucking scenes were great.

“there’s no bodies...they couldn’t just get up and walk away” lollllll what clever writers WE HAVE

Like I’ll give Travis credit, he did try to be a good dad and stepdad...just bad timing, not great decisions in the end of the world, etc. Like the one scene where he was swearing he’d drag Nick to rehab??? That scene got me feelin’ stuff.

YES FINALLY SOME TENSION ON THE HIGHWAY LETS GO LESBIANS THIS IS THE WALKING FUCKING DEAD

lol a helicopter

 you know why all these kids aren’t in school??? their parents are anti-vaxxers

walkers walkers walker walkers LETS GO THERES A WALKER

“killshot, bitch”

that took way too long to be the first episode goddamn

S1E02: “So Close, Yet So Far” 

Ooooo cellphones are starting to go, shits getting good now

I’m like 30 minutes in and haven’t liveblogged anything, I’m bored

Well, that was that.

S1E03: “The Dog”

I hate this already because of the title we stan (1) TWD Dog in this house and his name is Dog Dixon

this star wars now???

See, I’m a neutral gay who just likes to watch chaos. A chaotic neutral, if you will. So this episode is fucking WILD, like this is what I mentioned before.

the monopoly scene was wholesome

I guess I could see Paul joining in on this chaos for a bit until he realized oh shit this aint good chief THEN yeeting outta there

Fun fact, the truck they use for the first part of Fear is Daryl, Aaron, and Paul’s truck on the askjaaryl blog:

The music while they’re driving is on fucking point, like it kinda sounds like that one TWD theme (the hopeful one) but remixed.

The scene where all the lights in the city go off PHEW poetic cinema

Madison: DONT LET IT IN! Nick: ITS A DOG! -- Daryl felt that

I frozzee I thought for a hot minute that it was Dog

He a cutie tho

that poor doggo im so sick of this show’s treatment towards them like

if anything happens to Dog, I think Norman will quit and rightfully so

i feel like just a few people in the post-apocalyptic world where zombie movies dont exist were just blessed with the knowledge that you have to shoot the head

damn chris really didnt do shit and got a whole broken nose huh

so far, stan list: alicia, victor strand (he hasnt appeared but yyknow), and chris sort of

they need a doctor but she never went to school before the end of hte world is this how alex feels all the time

S1E04: “Not Fade Away”

The opening to this one always really stuck with me. Like it’s so normal but you know it’s not.

lol remember that time everyone freaked the fuck out thinking this was Carl

I feel like Ophelia and this soldier dude would have one of those conversations where it’s like “what do you like about me?” “you’re beautiful” “is that it?” 

deadass don’t care if nick is over 18, she still hit her son who has an addiction he can’t control 

I think this is where I started to hate Madison. Instead of blaming the people who did it, she blamed Liza. Because that makes sense.

S1E05: “Cobalt”

YOU ARE MY DAD YOURE MY DAD BOOGIE WOOGIE WOOGIE

Strand out here scamming the heteros since before the apocalypse started

Paul Rovia and Victor Strand had a thing, you can’t change my mind

Everything but Strand’s scenes is boring to me and there is an extreme lack of those.

S1E06: “The Good Man”

Honestly, the relationship between Nick and Strand was really great.

“We’re gonna get along fine, Nick’s mom” is one of my favorite lines because like...it’s like a little kid talking to someone else’s parent, but he’s a grown ass man and he knows damn well how funny he is.

So wait did Ophelia die???

oop nope she good

lol she deadass apologizing that he got taken and not for beating her own son but OKAAAAAY

S2E01: “The Monster”

Here we go, a full length season this time. Let’s see how this goes.

[milski]

Long story

When I was 14 years old, I experienced a teacher touching me inappropriatly and he made me touch him aswell. I kept this to myself for some months, I then attempted suicide. My mother did not believe that I actually took the pills that I said I did, despite having been put into the hospital to have them pumped out of my stomach. My father came, I told him I was raped. I did not have a proper understanding of what the difference between rape and molestation was. He got me to tell him the whole story, and got angry that I had lied. (I always had an infatuation with older men giving me attention, and my father would get angry with me for smiling at older men) He then told me that I had probably brought it on myself, with all the flirting I do with older men. He told me in graphic detail how, if I had been raped, the man would have penetrated my asshole, ripping it open and causing me to bleed and be in so much pain. He told me that I would be traumatized and that I was a horrible person for lying about rape and that I was a horrible person for attempting suicide. 

After many years of my dad being cruel to me (calling me fat, even though I had an eating disorder and was underweight, saying I would never amount to anything other than his servant and that I was a slut) I finally turned 18, I decided to explore the kink world. I had heard many great things from friends who were in the bdsm world, that women were treated like queens and were well respected. 

One day, a friend asked if I wanted to go to a swingerclub with him, because it was cheaper if he had a companion with him. I said yes, because I was curious and also because it seemed like a fun idea. I had a glas of cola, I left my glass on the table inside and went into the outdoor jacuzzi. After a while I went back inside to finish my cola and I started talking to a guy who was sitting next to me. He asked if I wanted to go upstairs with him, there was a massage room and he could give me a massage. I thought he seemed nice and i was attracted to him so I said yes and went with him. After a little while, I started to feel queezy and sick and dizzy. I thought I was just very nervous, because it was all very new to me. I was faced down, with my face squished into the hole in the massage table. The guy was still massaging my back, when I heard the door open. Then I saw some feet coming towards the table, and then another pair and another and so on.. suddenly there were 8 guys, all around my body, touching me. I tried to lift myself up but my limbs felt weird, like they were numb but I could still feel them touching them. I then tried telling them to stop, because it was too much for me, and my speech came out very slurred. They were talking to eachother in an arabic sounding language. Then they lifted my body and turned me around and I finally realized that I was not okay, my head was flopping, my eyes could be kept straight, they just rolled around my head and i couldnt figure out why I felt like this. They then lifted me and carried me into the room next door, it had a big circular bed on the floor and a bowl of condoms next to it. I don’t remember if they used any.. at this point it get very graphic, I’m not sure how much I can handle writing down. 

I remember then taking the rest of my clothes of, rough enough to hurt me. Then two of them lifted my limp arms and put my hands around their penises and just rubbed them with my hands. another three were fighting about whose penis goes in my mouth, they kept grabbing my head and turning it towards their penis and they would squeeze my jaw until i opened my mouth and they would just use my head like a fleshlight, with no regard for me breathing. The rest took turns on my vagina and asshole. At some point, I gave up and just cried. I was helpless and I couldnt scream or shout, I could barely breathe and it hurt so much. I wished and begged to god that it would just stop and be over. It lasted about an hour, nonstop. By the time it had ended, I had lost everything. I was 18 years old, I had been proud that I was putting on some weight and looking more like a normal person, I loved myself, my body and everything about myself. I was happy. And they took EVERY SINGLE THING away from me! I lost my will to live, I was a worthless whore, a slut, who deserved what I got. My father was right, I became exactly who he said I would become. I could never tell anyone about this. If I told my parents, my dad would probably tell me I deserved it, that I asked for it by going there. That I was the dumbest piece of shit in the world who left my drink unattended un perpose to let someone drug me and use me like the whore i was.  

At 19, I started smoking marijuana to deal with the anxiety and just to get away from hating myself all the time. It was the only time I didnt wanna die, was when I was high. So I started smoking more and more. Finally it wasnt enough, by the time I was 20, I started doing psychedelic shrooms and I would do mdma. All throughout my drug addiction, my dad had been diagnosed with Leukemia, and I was being told that I was a horrible daughter and sister, because I didn’t want to see my dad. I attempted to go see him a few times, to talk things through from the past (he choked me to the point of passing out, he has hit me and threated to beat the crap out of me) but he denied ever having done anything wrong. I have always wished that he was the great dad that he could be. He wasn’t a horrible person all the time, he did great things with us, sometimes he’d even call me a beautiful young and bright woman who could achieve so much if I just tried. I heard him say that once, and it was enough to keep me coming back despite it never happening again. I just wanted my dad to love me. 

I had visited my dad the week before he went into coma, we talked and I decided after a while that I would rather leave and be with my friends, because my dad always made me feel like I did something wrong. I told him I love him before I left, but I regret not staying longer. I came into the hospital when he went into a coma, I sat and talked to him alone, telling him how I wish he would have been the father I knew he could’ve been, how I loved him so much for all the good things he ever did for me, and that I understand that he was traumatized as a child and that probably made him repeat the cycle on me. I forgave him, because I know that he loved me, that he just used the wrong words to say it. 

The doctors told us he could probably be in the coma for 2 days to a week and then he might wake up again. I went home to a friend, I took some mdma because I wanted to forget and not feel. At 2 am, I got the call to come into the hospital and say my goodbyes. I was high on mdma when I went to the hospital to say goodbye. No one noticed, because every one of them looked just as glazed over in the eyes and just broken. I went to the bathroom to cry, because I was taught not to cry in front of others. When they pulled the plug, I was allowed to go into the room, see him dead and do what i needed to do. When I got into the room, i fell to the ground and started screaming and crying. I couldn’t believe it. He looked so different. like a weird version of himself. a very realistic doll. We finally all finished our goodbyes and went home. I started doing even more drugs, and I would see my dad. even when i wasnt on drugs, i would see him. he was walking on the street as my bus drove by him. I started seeing him everywhere.. it got to the point where i saw him every day, like a spirit in front of me, he would yell and scream and call me horrible things. Then he would hit me and I could feel it, it hurt. I even woke up from it. This went on for a year, and the drugs were the only thing to make it stop. I tried going to three different psychiatric hospitals and they wouldnt take me in, because i was a drug addict and they didnt tell me to stop doing the drugs so i could get treatment. 

I was doing a lot of ghb, which is a known date rape drug, but in small dosages it made me high and it would make the voices go away. (I had three voices in my head, telling me what to do, what to be afraid of and also telling me how worthless i was and so on) I would prostitute myself for money or drugs. My body is a tool, and should be used as such. I distanced my feelings from anything that had to do with sex. Sex and emotions are not a thing that I know how to mix. In the process of selling my body, I have had experiences of men who decided that if I was prostituting myself, then I had no standards and therefor no rights. That i was a piece of meat.. i would try to fight off these men in the beginning, but eventually, I learned to just let it happen. I talked to a policeman, told him what these men would do to me, and he said that it was my own choice, I was choosing to be a prostitute and that it comes with the job, just like he risks getting attacked by people on his job. He also said that I probably would get far in court with my case, because i was a prostitute and so it would be hard to prove that i didnt want it to happen, that i wasnt trying to scam men out of their money or something.. I don’t remember it clearly, but it was enough to make me keep my mouth shut. 

I am now 22 years old, I have been mostly clean of all drugs for a year now, with the rare occation of either smoking some pot to help me sleep (i now have prescription sleep medicine) and doing ghb for a weekend, because the voices became too much and the psychiatric system is very slow on giving me medicine. I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia in januar 12th 2019, and it is now march 13 and I have only been able to get sleeping medication because i told them that i tried to smoke marijuana to sleep but it made me more paranoid so i dont want to smoke it. I hope that I can become medicated with some anti psychotic medicine very soon, this is a lot for me. 

I recently dug up the old memories of the group rape, and i have finally opened up to a couple people about what has happened to me. I have been guided towards some help centers for rape victims, i hope that i can one day learn to accept the situation and maybe even learn to love myself again. So far, I just have a huge issue with one of the voices in my head telling me im disgusting, useless, worthless, whore, pic, fat, ugly, cumhole, how i deserve to be raped. How every man who is in some way a part of my life, whether its a friend, boyfriend, the men who work at the institution i live in, should rape me, because that is all i am worth to them. that i should be fucked and filled with cum in every hole and over my body they should write all the things that makes me deserve it so the whole world can see how much of a waste of life i am. I should be mutilated, have people stick knives in me, burn me and make me look like the worthless , pathetic excuse of a whore. 

those things are being repeated and yelled into my head over and over, and it been going on, in different variations over the years, and I am so incredibly tired. I just want it all to stop. I cant sit in my apartment alone and relax or enjoy anything, because this is going on, reminding me of how much i hate myself. I need help. im really hope that it will get better. Im just worried that i cant keep fighting this fight much longer. i am so tired. i just want it to stop. im calling the center for rape victims tomorrow morning when their phones open, and i need them to help me. i am desperate. i dont know how to deal with it all. it so much and im not an adult, i wasnt an adult when it all started and i havent had the chance to become an adult because of how much i cant even process properly, ive never spoken about the night of the rape since. and i just want help. i can’t keep it up much longer, i can’t keep pretending im not broken and wishing i could just numb myself with drugs so i dont have to feel it all the time.. i just want help.  i will update this, if i get help and how/if it helped me.  

i don’t know what else to write now. so i guess this is the end of my very long story. 

[kathvrines-blog]

i’m only 1298338 yrs late....pls forgive me & here is my intro !!!

KATHERINE YU, THE PUBLICITY OFFICER OF THE YALE ELITES. SHE'S 20 AND A SOPHOMORE MAJORING IN PUBLIC RELATIONS. SHE'S AS ASTUTE AS SHE IS DUPLICITOUS.

tw: drugs

she slept with the dean of admissions in order to access and tamper with student files and collect dirt on students to use as leverage

she started using cocaine for fun but ended up with an addiction

after having katherine, her mom could not conceive again and her father resents both of them for the situation. he continuously cheats on her mother, who knows about the affairs but does not leave to protect the family image. katherine threatened to expose her father, who retaliated by halting funding her tuition. katherine steals money from her father (with the help of her mother) to continue paying for school and her luxurious lifestyle. 

ok now for a deeper look into kat:

katherine’s dad is the head of this fancy private construction company (hehe...this is gonna b some future blackmail and yes i’m ripping off the show elite) and her mom was a supermodel in her youth but is now a trophy wife (she’s still significantly younger than kat’s dad btw)...basically a rly odd pairing, but her mom liked that he was rich yet not afraid 2 get his hands dirty & kind of rough around the edges

basically her dad got her mom pregnant as fast as he could once they got married because he wanted a child 2 pass the company on to

so katherine’s dad was angry that his first born was a girl but maybe he could have lived w it if her mom could produce more kids...except she couldn’t. so he hated them both and kat was like i fucking hate u back?? anyway

she grew up hating her dad as much as he hated her n the only times he was nice 2 her was when the cameras were around 

kat was always closer to her mom but lowkey she knows that if her mom had 2 pick between her n her dad.....she’d pick her dad. the only persons validation kat wants is her moms :,( but anyway

because kat always had a closer bond to her mom, when she found out he was cheating on her a bitch was PISSED !!! even tho her mom KNEW and didnt care because the parents were just together for the sake of their image at this point, kat was like >:( 

at first she just did shit to scare off his mistresses but eventually that stopped working so she went 2 her dad and was like. if u dont STOP i’m gna tell the world!! not her smartest move bc he was like lol...dumb bitch i pay for everything u have !! so he stopped paying for her shit to teach her a lesson

so what did she do next to pay for school n her lifestyle ?? get a job? SIKE !! she slept with the guy that manages her dads bank acc to steal from him & make it look not sus. her mom lowkey helps cover for it because she feels guilty for being a shitty mom

just putting it out there kat literally wants to kill her dad. she wants that man DEAD like she 100% intends to kill him one day HERSELF, she’s just holding off until she’s certain she will get away with it

aside from that, kat does the MOST to get attention from ppl since shes so ignored at home and wants to be thought and talked abt. thats why she’s like an ~insta baddie~ 

no basically she’s just kind of ig famous and she’s always partnering w brands blah blah it’s why she majored in public relations even tho she doesnt rly intend on doing much with her major she kind of has it in case she RLY has to fend for herself one day. a bitch got smarter after threatening her dad. now she’s always scheming and getting close to ppl so she can use them when it’s in her benefit

kat is a sagittarius sun, scorpio moon, and gemini rising.....because that’s a little chaotic :) basically she comes off pretty friendly and sociable. most ppl from the outside think she’s a nice good christian girl, always wearing her cross necklace n going to church on sunday (the cross is where she keeps her coke...but we’ll get to that in jus one second) but in reality she’s just a lowkey evil >:))) binch. she cares abt only a few ppl...stay tuned for who because i havent plotted yet

drug tw: my girl was partying one day in high school when she snorted her first line of coke for the lolz but then she enjoyed it so she did it again...and then again and again. basically...she has an addiction. she’s come close 2 overdosing a couple times but she can’t stop. most ppl don’t kno how bad her addiction is but maybe someone in the group was there for one of her overdoses....plot idea perhaps ? anyway

overall i would describe kat as a mix between kathryn merteuil from cruel intentions (who she was first based on + named after) and carla from the show elite. she’s jus always scheming n trying to make herself important because she LOVES being in the spotlight and being talked about

basically,,,,, she’s two-faced but most people only know her fake social “nice” side, even most members of the elites prob

except maybe her nasty side showed a little when they tried to get her kicked from the group....but she pretends shes not mad abt it anymore...even tho she def is still very pissed. she’s a fire sign after all she can hold a GRUDGE

ok this is long i’m done :)) please plot with me i’m desperate

[digigal-transbian]

Better to?

Is it better to be alive and constantly miserable? Or dead and know peace?

If I fail a class this semester, there is an extremely high likelihood that i will be pulled out of college for financial reasons. If that happens I've been told I will have no choices, my life will be ultimately destroyed. The only job I'd be able to get is a minimum wage, soul crushing mindless existence. I'd never be able to afford a second chance at college. I'd never be able to survive on minimum wage, I'd have to get two jobs and even then I'd barely make ends meet.

And that's if I was able to get a second job. I'd never know love because I'd be too busy trying just to survive and after that too tired to function. 2 full time jobs is not exactly free to have feelings like love. And with who I am, finding someone would be a damn miracle and god has already proven he shall have no mercy on me.

And the gods know I'd never have a lucky break with writing or art, if I even had the time or energy to put into either of them.

Every check just going to not being dead for another week, stuck in a job or if I'm lucky, 2, that I hate, barely making ends meet, all because when I was 19 I got cocky and ended up failing Precal or was forgetful and failed English because if it.

To be able to say, "I was young, dumb, sure of myself, and because of it I've amounted to nothing, never known love, was never able to have a family, and lived a fate comparable to hell on earth."

I've been religiously told this for the last 6 months by my parents. And 6 months is lowballing it.

My biggest fear is dying alone. My second biggest fear to be forgotten. If I fail both are going to happen. I'm going to die alone in a house that is barely holding together without a soul to remember me.

I'll be forgotten within a week of my death, if not, a month at most. Nothing I've ever done will have mattered, ultimately I was just a waste of the universes time, even if I did make a couple peoples days just a little bit brighter.

Is it better to live and be miserable with no hope, or to die and be done with it?

At this point it's basically pass or die. A 70 on my math final to pass and have to retake because of how it is with my major, an 85 on it to never take that class again, and with English I've done what I can and at this point all I can do is hope.

And don't any of you dare call me selfish for this. To call suicidal people selfish is selfish itself. You're only concerned about the impact that persons death would have on you or their family, worry about the person who wants to kill themselves because they are in pain or see no other option.

And never call me selfish. I've made every choice for somebody else. Choice in college was because if years of "if you go to clemson you'll make your grandfather proud." And he's the actual kindest person I've ever met of course I dont want to let him down, I couldn't get there on my highschool GPA or ACTs so I found some backass method to get there. CSU has an applied math program that does 4 years there, 2 years at Clemson and you get two degrees for the 6 year period.

My father was all for that for the reason of being able to rub it in my aunts and uncles faces.

This is the same man that punched a brick wall hard enough to let out a blood curdling scream, make the house shake from the punch, and instill the fear of death in a child because a 12 year old didnt do his English homework. Why that 12 year old didnt do their homework? Just didnt want to, so over time did less and less of it.

Which is a legitimately normal thing by the way, 6th graders dont always want to do their homework and of course they are going to lie about it, dont act like his responce was in any way justifiable.

The man to this day still threatens to pin me to a wall and beat the shit out of me if I lie to him again, which wouldnt be as much of an issue if he didn't terrify me to the point of never telling him anything ever again out of fear for my life.

My choice of major was because of him. I wanted to be a doctor for a while but then my mom spent a collective 5 years dying in the hospital, so that dream died. No fault to her she couldn't control it. I then wanted to be a psychiatrist, therapist, that deal. Made the mistake of mentioning it around dad and got told promptly "it's not a real job." 10 year old me gave up on that real quick.

Then it went lawyer for a while because I figured a good paying job will be acceptable, hes always on about money anyways. After months upon like a year or something of "oh it's a lot of school and it's really hard and are you sure about it?" That dream too, was killed.

So the next thing I said was computers. Nothing more, nothing less, and it was finally acceptable. It was the most predicatable answer out of me and the first one to really be approved of. So for years i was content not having my dreams put down, then came college and I put my dreams down for computer engineering, on the track to clemson.

I then changed my major to computer science and over time put some thought into my actual interests.

Astronomy, the language of the stars. Physics, the language of the universe. Linguistics, the study of language. Writing, where you can be a god of your own little world. Geology, because rocks are just cool yo. Intetior Design, every time dad drags me to work with him I sit around and mentally start designing each room. And at the bottom of the list, Computer Science.

And the final mistake made in this whole college thing, I applied to only 1 college and to 0 scholarships. The scholarships I got are state ones, and I was told to keep a 3.0 GPA, which if you've ever seen one of my report cards you know how bad of an idea relying on that is. You have to have no idea what any of my report cards have ever looked like to think for a minute that trusting I will keep a B average for 6 years with no problems at all is even slightly a good idea.

So when my grades came in first semester, the night of December 13 I was legitimately shaking in fear for my life. December 23 when my parents found my grades out they gave me a 2~3 hour scream and then since then all my tech, aside from my phone and laptop, has been sitting in a tote box in my closet.

April they see my grades again and since then I havent been allowed to even have my door closed, and was strongly told that if I'm caught reading anything that isnt for school they'd burn it.

I could have probably avoided half of this if I was just a little more selfish, but I made every choice for someone else. If I was just a little more selfish I would be in a college half the price of CSU in a major that wouldnt be my last choice. Were I just a little more self centered, I wouldn't fear my father killing me over my grades.

Maybe I'm so destructively selfless because every moment that was supposed to have been about me quickly became about someone else. High school graduation after the fact during the pictures I got pushed to the side so my cousins could have a picture of just them, when there literally were three other walls and outside that they could have done that. Have you ever taken a picture outside at night? It's got a beautiful magic about it, and the lights were on dont even try to say "oh it's too dark", also cameras tend to have a flash so that's no excuse to push ME out of the way on MY graduation day. Kinda a big deal to me because when you look at my extended family I am among the few that have graduated high school, like half of them haven't even done that.

My graduation party the next day, I was given my gifts and then ignored most of the rest of the time. I was there for about 6~7 hours, and relevant for about 15 minutes. My college acceptance letter was opened and read by my parents before I even woke up. In fact, they woke me up by yelling at me from the kitchen to get in there. I walk in there, they're at the table smiling like idiots that just won the Nobel prize, and they hand me an open letter and tell me to read.

And my birthdays result in me being relevant for ten minutes of the hour at the pizza hut, and most of that is being asked about school and grades. The rest of the time is my parents and grandparents bitching about my drug addict unfit parent cousins. Like, my birthday is supposed to be about me, not them. And I am more than just school and grades, you would not believe how long it took me to realize that.

I have one bit of advice for anyone that might need it. Live your life for yourself for your reasons and never let somebody else live through you.

[kratomkittycat]

Journal entry, 4/16/22

I realize that I haven’t posted in a couple of weeks. Some major things have happened since I last posted.

One is that my best friend blocked me. It happened over a week ago, and he hasn’t unblocked me. Right before it happened, I said to him, “Remember that conversation we had about how it will be very hard to find a therapist who doesn't hate me? I don't think anyone is built to withstand being so hated that trying to find someone who doesn't hate them is near impossible. It's not easy for me to live like that. I feel like when we talked about it, you didn't realize how heavy that reality weighs on me.”

He responded with, “i never said itd be hard to find ‘a therapist who doesnt hate you" i said itd be hard to find ‘one who supports your drug goals’ those two things are not synonymous. and just because i speak realistically, that doesnt mean i dont realize how hard that reality effects ppl.” I said, “Even though you didn't say the word ‘hate’ you said something that means the same thing. You also said that it will be hard to find a therapist who believes me that my parents don't love me, because they cook for me, give me rides, etc. But if someone thinks that they love me even though they did the really bad stuff they did, that person absolutely hates me. That's no exaggeration. If not supporting my drug use goals and thinking my parents love me doesn't sound like real hate to you, then that's actually really concerning to me.”

The fact that he blocked me because I said this shows that I mean nothing to him. Even if he didn’t block me, the fact that he really believes that’s not hate shows that he doesn’t care about me. But because he blocked me, now I know how disposable I really am to him.

I once saw a post with a picture of Mac Miller with his mom. It said that his mom is devastated that he overdosed and died, and to not look down on people who make that mistake, because everyone is somebody’s someone. But the truth it, I’m not anybody’s someone. I really don’t mean anything to anyone. I don’t have anyone in my life who would be devastated if I died, but I’ve met many people who wish I was dead. And to this day, I can’t figure out why people feel this way about me.

The day my best friend blocked me, I messaged someone on tumblr who I had just recently started talking to. He is an older, neurodivergent guy who is a daily kratom user and former addict to hard drugs. And I’m pretty sure he reached my own goal I set for myself, which is to be a more severe and more experienced drug user than both Kody and Alexa. I thought that, by the grace of God, I found someone. Someone who can be a real best friend, and actually care about me. Someone I can talk to who really gets me.

Well, it turns out I was wrong. Because he eventually ended up hurting me too. I feel like trying to explain how I was hurt and why it affected me so much would create a big wall of text, so maybe that will be a story for another post, but I’ll just tell you one thing he said that felt really significant to my heart. When I told him about people not wanting to contribute to my drug use and help me reach my goals, he said, “Their regard for your safety should be respected even though you have every right to be upset about it. Mature relationships will never be derailed when a friend declined to do something that everyone knows may result in harm.”

So yeah, I’m done. And these experiences only just confirm a lesson I keep learning, over and over again. Which is that I can’t just scramble around desperately, thinking, “maybe this person cares about me,” “or maybe that person cares about me.” Because the truth is that nobody does, and nobody ever will. And getting my hopes up and believing that someone does will only lead to me getting hurt. And I need to protect myself from getting hurt like this, because this happens literally every time I think I can have a close relationship with someone.

So why do I, to this fucking day, still keep doing this to myself? Well it’s because having someone who actually gives a shit about you is a basic need. Just like food, water, shelter, etc. And not having that is like being starved. I’ve been starved of food before, and no matter how many times my mom yelled at me, laughed at me, and insulted me, I still experienced the natural human reaction of screaming in pain and crying my eyes out. Because I was experiencing extreme hunger, and you can’t just reason with a basic need to make it go away. That’s exactly what’s happening for me right now with love.

Throughout all of this, I have become a daily kratom extract user.

[talknerdytome67-blog]

Loss

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss but losing a twin is like losing half of yourself.

When I was 22, my twin brother, who was my only sibling, died. He had huffed duster while driving resulting in immediate brain death causing him to hit a tree at over 90mph. That day wasnt like any other day because a few months earlier I woke up and knew he was going to die. Just not how or when. The day the phone rang and I heard my mom say dark, foreign words like car accident, unresponsive, drugs, life support was the most impactful day of my life. In the thickness of shock, I didn't realize that the rest of my life would be measured in before and after. Before, when my family was intact. After, when I would somehow be forced to learn to live without the person I was supposed to get a lifetime with.

"Be strong for your parents," said blurs of people at Trevor's memorial service. I nodded, but inside me, something twisted. I stood in a daze as people streamed by, offering their awkward words and hugs. Be strong for your parents? I thought. How can I be strong for them when half my soul just died and I dont even know how to be strong for myself.

After

I was barely breathing. I was barely standing there. I was numb and strong was the last thing I felt. One thing is for sure I felt angry at my brother for leaving me here. For abandoning me. It's funny how I found myself consoling complete strangers over the death of my brother and yet these very people werent there for him when he was alive and struggling w addiction. Why is it that no one seems to truly care about you until tragedy strikes and then suddenly your life meant so much to them. They say things like "I didn't see this coming" "Why didn't they reach out"

In the early months after Trevors death at 22, I existed in a heavy fog. Nothing was as I knew it. I'd been forced to abandon the little life I'd once known. My friends were living their lives -- going to college, working, falling in and out of love and lust. Meanwhile, my life had stopped and I no longer recognized the world around me.

My home was filled with the cloying scent of flowers just starting to die. It struck me just then how terrible it was that we send flowers to the grieving -- here you go, another reminder that nothing is permanent, that everything lovely will be lost.

My brother's absence was heavy in the house. Though he had died in Peoria, his room was still scattered with relics: the bed he had slept in for so many years, his skateboarding hoodies hanging like shadows in the closets, a handful of videos and books. Memories pinned to each corner. His beloved Ferret Ember waiting for her best friend who was never coming home.

Having always taken comfort in words, I scoured the internet for a book for someone like me -- a barely adult whose (barely) adult twin brother had died. What I found was unimpressive: There were more books on losing a pet than losing a brother or sister, especially a twin. A few books existed for surviving children after a death in the family, but they were for small children. One memoir documented a sister's grief following her brother's death, but it was out of print.

What did it mean that there were no handbooks for me? That people asked me to be strong in the face of the biggest loss I'd ever experienced or imagined? At times I felt like I didn't deserve to feel so shattered, especially in the shadow of my parents' immense loss. I felt guilty for missing him.

A few weeks later, I found out I was pregnant and my world took another 360* hit. I decided I needed to join a support group so I sat in a circle with a few widows and widowers, a woman whose daughter had died, and a woman whose mother had died. I was younger than any of them by at least 30 years, but I could relate to their shares: "I feel like I'm going crazy." "I'm so damned angry right now." "I can't sleep at night." "My anxiety is at an all time high"

Though the losses were different, the feelings were the same and we were all barely coping.

My parents, who adopted us at 2 would never be the same. Their pain was almost visible, as if a piece of their bodies had been cut out. I had lost myself, too, or at least the version of me that was unscathed by tragedy: an innocent version, who walked around in some parallel universe where her brother was still alive, ignorant to the incredible fortune of an entirely alive family.

My brother, my twin, my built in best friend. I miss Trevors big brown eyes. His loud laugh. He was the co-keeper of my childhood and my secret's. The person who was supposed to walk with me longer than anyone else in this life. The only other person who knew what it was like to grow up with our particular parents, in our particular home and our particular situation being adopted.

The future.

I cried for the nephews and nieces I would never have. I cried for my own daughter who would never know my brother, her uncle. How would I explain him? How would I ensure that his essence wasn't lost, that he wasn't just a figure in old photographs, a handful of stories? Suddenly i was the only person who could make my parents the grandparents they were soon to be.

I constantly grieve for all the hard times ahead when my brother wouldn't be by my side. When my parents begin to age. When my grandparents die. There would be no one to share these dark milestones with and no one to comfort me in the way he did with just his presence.

And so 3 weeks after his death Im now pregnant and despite feeling like I wanted to die from the pain and loneliness i had to stay alive. I suddenly was needing to stay healthy, to stay safe, to stay positive because I was bringing a beautiful baby girl into the world and theres no time to fall apart.

So I placed my grief on hold.

I felt like our family had been a four-legged table, and one leg had suddenly been torn off. The remaining three of us wobbled and teetered. We felt the missing leg like an amputee, each morning waking to the horrible fact that Trevor was gone and unable to stop the pain.

I wrote letters to my brother in those early months and years. At first, memories blazed through my head and I used the letters to capture them before they flitted away, gone forever: my brother walking towards me when he knew my heart had been broken and embracing me in a giant hug. The time I taught him to make snow angels in the front yard of our home, our bulkily clad limbs sliding in synchronicity under the cold afternoon sun.

Later, I wrote the letters when I needed to cry -- when the grief sat coiled and waiting in my chest, needing to be let out, released. I couldn't find the words of other bereaved twin sisters or brothers to bring me comfort, so I created my own.

One day, when I was lost in my sadness, my mom said, "You won't always feel like this. You'll have a family of your own. You'll move on." This seemed impossible in my 23 year-old new mom skin. I couldn't imagine this potential future where I lived a life my brother was no longer apart of.

But very, very slowly, I began putting my life back together. I gave birth to a gorgeous baby girl and I made the difficult decision to leave an abusive relationship and return home again. As time has gone on I notice my daughter has his love of music and animals and possesses the lighthearted spirit my brother had at the same age and I cant help but smile and think a part of him is in her.

Sometimes adult siblings aren't able to close the distance between them, all those shared experiences and time and space and relationships matter. They tether us, they twine our stories together. I pray that my children will one day remain close as they grow, and that they enjoy a long lifetime together and never take eachother for granted.

After nearly 9 years, the sharp shock and grief I felt in those early months and years are no longer constant but only come back in waves, especially around his angelversary or our birthday. It's hard to explain to people the survivors guilt I feel and the PTSD I acquired from watching him struggle to pass away after being taken off life support. It's hard to explain to people that the week of his death never gets easier to face and I tend to shut down and shut people out because I dont want to be a burden. I distance myself so my sadness doesnt spill into their lives.

Its taken 9 years for the pain to dull and for the words "your brother is dead" to stop pounding in my head -- but they did. Trevors absence is mostly a dull hurt, the ghost of an old broken bone that aches when it rains. I feel it more on holidays and anniversaries, when someone else close to me dies. Or when something funny happens and I go to text him and realize I cant. Because Hes gone.

I'll always wish he was still here. I'll always wonder what he would look like and what he'd be doing if he was still alive -- at almost 32, At 50. At 75. Who would he be today? Would he have gotten sober and started a family? Would his music career had taken off?

So with no other choice I continue on. Perhaps I am even strong, like those well-meaning mourners at my brother's memorial asked me to be. But my brother's loss will remain with me for my whole life -- just like he was supposed to.

I wish I knew how to explain to the people I love that the distance I create during anniversaries is done so they are not effected by my overwhelming sadness. I create distance because even after 9 years I am still learning how to cope and handle my grief and sometimes its easier to do alone so that theres no pressure to feel like you have to be happy and in a way continue healing.

I'm incredibly blessed with an amazing boyfriend who is patient and kind and incredibly handsome and perfect in every way. He has been incredibly understanding and supportive despite the distance I have placed between us lately and that's how I know hes who I am going to spend the rest of my life with if he'll let me.

I will forever be thankful for the time I had with my brother and the lessons he taught me but time doesn't heal all wounds and I am just finding ways to get by.

[aquagenesis]

im talking about myself because unfortunately for everyone i am actually the only main character.

i dont even know how to describe the emotion it makes me feel because it’s i mean generally indifferent.  whatever.  but when people act like im only like this because im angry or im aggressive and im taking everything too far.  when people look at me and theyre like “yeah you were poor yeah you had an absent father and an abusive mother so does everyone”.  it’s not about that.  it’s literally not even about that.  i dont even consider those things Defining Points for me because like yeah bro i thought everyone grew up like me!  i thought every christian parent was exactly like my stepfather, i thought every “helicopter parent” was exactly like my mom.  i didnt even acknowledge parents arent supposed to say half the stuff they said to me.  it didnt even click until i started telling people just to share to be like “oh yeah man i totally understand your dad freaking out over nothing.  my dad used to [REDACTED]” and they like act like im grandstanding or trying to bowl them over.  like i get it?  but i feel like by my tone and the fact I Dont Talk About My Family should tell you im not dropping my Strong And Silent persona just to flex about how abused i was.

im angry because these things fundamentally led to me getting the shit abused out of me and everyone around me because the same system who APPLAUDS itself on maintaining the safety of their communities is the one who refused to take my moms own testimony against my dad because she was “paranoid” and “insane”. 

the same system who says psychotic people are dangerous told me what my mom was doing to me was probably a figment of MY imagination. 

the same system that says they care for the lives of children kicked my mother and her two not-older-than-toddler aged children deserved to be on the street because her abusive boyfriend wasnt paying his fair dues.

it pisses me the fuck OFF my future entails me being a “diamond in the rough” for the same people who didnt give a shit if i lived or died.  it pisses me the fuck off i’ll always be looked on by people who wanted me dead as “one of the good ones”.  a reason why impoverished communities deserve resources.  a reason why maybe poor people and insane people shouldnt be left to die because maybe they’ll fucking wind up like me.  but theyre still going to make it hard as fuck BECAUSE im just a diamond in the rough.  because i worked so hard to make a change and i worked so hard to keep myself alive and now im a success story they can shove down the throats of kids like me to make them feel more like shit when everything is against them and they dont feel like they can take it anymore.

it pisses me the literal fuck off rich people can be drug addicts and alcoholics and beat their spouses and “cancel culture” means People Dont Like Them :( but it’s okay because now we all have to stop and be like oh no wait hold on didnt you poor people say addiction isnt a choice?  like you fucking have the resources to not act like that and youre paying off your charges.  poor people dont get to do that.  they genuinely do not get to do that.  for some people, a drug charge means they cant get a job.  that means they cant do jack shit.

pisses me off when people will assault others and do drugs and break the  law and they get on fucking probation and can still go to school and make something of themselves and barely get fucking drug tested and can leave the fucking STATE and the cops dont come after them but the police sure as FUCK did harass my mom because my dad left florida illegally.  they sure as fuck did drug test everyone around my dad extensively because they couldnt find HIM but thats how they wanted to prove he was still dealing.  the whole system is fucked and i dont agree with it but it’s ESPECIALLY fucked against people who havent even had the chance to try and make something of themselves.  how the fuck was my dad supposed to get help for his shit when his parents were both dead.  how the fuck was my mom supposed to go to college when she was in an abusive relationship and now had two children she had to stay home and take care of because my dad sure as fuck was not.

how the fuck is anyone with anything actually wrong with them supposed to succeed.  how the fuck is any of this fair.  how is it fair my legacy will be beating down on kids saying “lukas was abused for 22 years of his life and he still became a scientist so what’s your excuse, i dont do that stuff”.  “your father isnt a felon, hes a good man, sure hes angry, but lukas could do it”.  i dont want to be a fucking success story used to punch down.  but then im giving up on myself, then im not achieving my potential, then im blaming everyone else for my problems, then im holding myself back, then im depressed.

im depressed because the system that left me for dead and wanted to do the same fucked up shit they did to my mom is going to rip apart my still-warm body for nitpicks to use against The New Generation or their specific kids or whatever the fuck else.  and then the other side is gonna say “ugh god but he’s insane though that’s the real fucking scandal.  how can we trust anything he says when he’s been institutionalized, when his parents were so bad, he’s a liberal scam, hes trying to destroy our society”.

it pisses me the fuck off.

[leaderofthebadguys]

and here I am with part 1B, yeah hope you like it.

lyric breakdown where i discuss the songs below

Bring me the Horizon - Doomed (about the storm)

Man this one is pretty much about Nathan talking about the storm, in that AU where he was initially going to know about it.

"Cut off my wings and come lock me up. Just pull the plug, I've had enough. Tear me to pieces, sell me for parts, you are all vampires, so here, you can have my heart." "The world's a funeral, a room of ghosts. No hint of movement, no sign of pulse." "So come rain on my parade, because I wanna feel it. Come shove me over the edge, because my head is in overdrive. Im sorry but it's too late and it's not worth saving." "I think we are doomed, and there is no way back!" "You must've made some kind of mistake, I asked for Death but instead I'm awake." "The sun dont shine, it never did. And when it rain, it fucking pours, but I think I like it. And you know that I'm in love with the mess."

Bring me the Horizon - Drown

Yeah, the name kind of speak for itself. He doesn’t wanna drown.

"What does'nt kill you, makes you wish you were dead. Got a hole in my soul growing deeper and deeper..." "And I can't take one more moment of this silence. The loneliness is haunting me, and the weight of the world getting harder to hold up." "I'm not okay! And it's not alright!" "Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down? Save me from myself? Don't let me drown." "Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive? Save me from myself? Don't let me drown." "Because you know that I can't do this on my own."

Bring me the Horizon - Happy Song

This one is kinda a coping song? Its about wanting to get better.

"I've had enough, there's a voice in my head says I'm better off dead. But if we sing along, a little god damn louder to a happy song, it'll be alright." "And I really wish that you could help, but my head is like a carousel. And I'm going round in circles." "We are possessed, we're all fucked in the head. Alone and depressed." "Don't wake us up, we'd rather just keep dreaming, because the nightmares in our heads are bad enough."

Declan McKenna - The Kids Don't Wanna Come Home (about his family)

Man, this one is about kids being left out by parents. People ask why a certain kid has a gun but they don’t wanna see why and everything behind it. Is the parents raising him right? Obvsly not.

"I don't know what I want, if I'm complety honest. I guess I could start a war, I guess I could sleep on it." "But hey, there, kids with guns. Your neighbours complain but they don't know where they come from." "You don't know how to give love to anyone, you don't know how to pretend. You told your kids that they'd live long forever, but the kids don't wanna come home again." "Haven't you any shame? Have you got no morals? Teaching how to aim no sadness and no sorrow." "Well there, mother mine, your kids are sick but they're gonna be just fine. I said possibly not, if you keep raising them this way. You're just leading them to die."

Declan McKenna - Paracetamol (about Rachel)

I have mixed feeling about this one, kinda talks about a guy and girl, the boy don’t wanna get to close to her, but he is love either way. And Paracetamol is a medication for pain, so we have that correlation.

"There's a boy fifteen with a gun in his hands. And the people with no audience say he should be hanged. And they ask him for his motive but they don't understand." "There's a girl fifteen with her head on a noose, because she's damned to live well she's damned to choose. And the animals walk in two's by two's." "There's a girl fifteen although she isn't sure, how the hell could you want anything more? Beautiful, perfect, immaculate whore. I'm in love, love with you." "You drive me insane, and the world will keep on turning, even if we're not the same. Don't come on to me, come on to me." "There's a boy fifteen turning into a man, well tell one other thing that he can. While you forced a smile through a jealous hand, showing love like you do." "There's a boy fifteen and he's attempted to sue. Because he is definitely sure it's true. What kind of men, kind of men are you?" "So tell me what's in your mind, and don't forget your Paracetamol smile."

Eden - Drugs (to Victoria)

This one feels like he is talking to someone who joins him in his party adventures, someone he cares about, wanna say something really important but can’t. So there is no one better than Victoria. Also the feeling to let the drugs make all the problems go away.

"I had too many flash fires, that i just let them burn. Till my cheast in on fire, and my head just won't die. I guess I'm lying cause I wanna, guess I'm lying cause I don't." "Cause I just feel so tired, like it's move or slowly die. You ain't you when you're like this. This ain't you and you know it, but ain't that just the point?" "But I'm still caught below, and I'll never let you know. No, I can't tell you nothing. 'Cause I'm a fucking mess sometimes, but still I can always be whatever you wanted but not what you needed, especially when you been needing me." "'Cause I'm a fucking mess sometimes, and I 'll say what I don't mean, just 'cause I wanted or maybe I need it." "All I needed were some words to say, that all this feelings don't mean shit to me. 'Cos it's all just chemicals anyway ... I can't love when I can't even love myself." "Things I would rather be thoughts at the back of my head, but I'm addicted to hurting."

And thats it for part 1B, i will try to bring part 2 pretty soon ^^ really hope you guys like it and share pls ;D