#and i NEED to talk about this song in relation to her or ill explode and die.

[andromedako]

can you all hear me. hello. hello. hello. hello

(song: the crooked, the cradle by the crane wives)

[omophagic-beast]

for the tarot rpg ask game! The Fool, The Empress, The Hierophant, The Chariot, The Hanged Man, The Devil, The Tower, The Star, The Sun!

!!! wowow hi!! thank you for all the questions, im gonna put them under a read more as to not clog up peoples dashes

from this ask game

The Fool – What do the earliest stages of work on a game look like for you? OR How did you get into game design?

i have a notes discord server! and a channel in there specifically for game ideas. previously i had a big word document titled "game ideas", but its easier to access discord from my phone lol

usually i have an idea and i stick it in there first

heres the start of the pillars of creation :3

and then ill noodle around with it, just brainstorm and slap spaghetti around. this is another reason why i like discord for this at the moment, its informal and easy, much less daunting than a word doc

i didnt end up using most of the bits here lol

and then ill move it into a word doc once its clear that ive got an actual project / game starting to form!

the one problem with this is sometimes ill keep an idea in there for much longer than i should and it becomes a mess of me replying to myself, terrible to follow. this is the current problem with moonlight whaling, sigh

The Empress — Where do your ideas come from? OR Do you seek out or avoid inspiration while working on an idea?

a lot of places!! tumblr being one of them, sometimes ill see a post where im like "huh that could be a game in some way" and ill stick it in my notes discord for later. but really anything, books, movies, songs, other games. im not the first to say this but u gotta read / watch / experience new things to make new things

The Hierophant — Who is a fellow game designer you’ve learned a lot from? OR What is a piece of popular wisdom about games you think is nonsense?

i answered the second one here so ill answer the first!

ive learned a lot from any designer whos game ive played or read, to start. but i wanna shout out @thydungeongal on here, her posts abt game design and rollmaster / d&d are highly highly fascinating and helpful to me, as a guy who hasnt even played d&d let alone any old school stuff and just kinda jumped into the indie scene from the start.

kinda makes me wanna play rollmaster, ngl. whats it doin with all those mechanics and tables =w=

The Chariot — What is the next project you’re planning to start OR What is the next project you’re excited to finish?

this has been my big question to myself recently, what game to really focus in on next. i have games that just need to be finished, but i think my next one* is gonna be this time travel game ive been thinking of

working title is Hooked, and the reason i think im going to start (and finish) it next is cause ive already got the main mechanic figured out, where when you fail a roll you can choose to create a hook, and in doing so succeed the roll

but that hook is a place where a future you has traveled back to that point in time and given you what you needed to succeed, which means at some point youre going to have to come back and close the loop, or else risk creating a paradox

too many paradoxes and the universe explodes so like. be careful :3!

it is going to be a lot of work, i want the general aesthetic to be the journal of a time traveler, with notes from all their future and past selves scrawled in the margins in different colors. and theres the question of if its a solo game or multiplayer, or both. solo-friendly is my current thought, but encouraged for more than one person. but we'll see how it actually plays.

The Hanged Man — What other creative pursuits do you have? OR What current trends in game design are you most interested in?

someone should ask me this again cause i wanna answer the other one also :3c

but! i have a crochet project on the mind so i wanna talk abt other stuff im into also :3

im currently considering ADHD and how it could possibly relate to myself, so just keep that in mind when i say ive dipped my paws into a whoooole lot of different creative hobbies. sewing, knitting, pottery, bookbinding, needle felting, jewelry making, and yea, crochet, are all stuff ive been into at one point or another

but my favorites are crochet and cooking / baking. for most of my life i thought my career was gonna be in food service! ive been a baker, cake decorator, and diner cook before, and loved all three of those jobs.

and crochet is great mainly cause you can make stuffed animals / amigurimis >:33 i loooove little guys and being able to choose what soft yarn im gonna make em out of, though its been a minute since ive made one. but!! like i mentioned ive got a project on the mind, as im gonna try and make the "something strange and indescribable" from the Before the Flood backerkit campaign and im very excited abt it :3 stay tuned for posts abt my success or failure on this front

The Devil — What motifs or mechanics do you just keep coming back to? OR What is a game you’ve enjoyed playing in the last year?

NIGHTHAWKS by @titanrpg is really really good. it has a heart in it, one that beats at an all too-familiar rhythm. when i played it we told a story that was perhaps a touch too close to home as well, disparate sad people sitting several stools apart at a dive bar in a small town.

i have a tendency towards comedy when i play ttrpgs, but my favorite moments are all when ive been deeply serious and sad, and thats what i got from NIGHTHAWKS

The Tower — Talk about about a game you tried to make that crashed and burned.

center of the known universe was an anthology of games i wanted to make a while back, all inspired by the part of the nevadan desert i live in. i dont think its crashed and burned necessarily but i certainly never finished it and im not sure i ever will, though i still like the ideas for some of the games and may release them individually

The Star — Talk about a game you’re working on and what excites you about it.

a game ive been working on for a looong time that i dont think ive really talked abt on here is The Lady, The Tiger, and The Accused. its a descended from the queen game based on The Lady or The Tiger? short story, where (to put it very briefly) a king has created a new form of justice where the accused is put in an arena with two identical doors in front of them.

behind one door, a lady of an appropriate social standing for them to marry, behind the other a very hungry tiger. this leaves the verdict up to fate, for if the accused is innocent they will surely pick the door with the lady, and if they are guilty they will choose the door with the tiger.

but the accused in the story is also the lover of the lands princess, and when they look back at her for the last time she raises a hand and points towards one of the doors.

the question in the story is one of love. would the princess rather see her lover dead, or married to someone else?

what comes through the door, the lady or the tiger?

but! there are other characters in this story, with agency and lives of their own.

The Lady, The Tiger, and The Accused instead asks a question of trust. when The Accused looks back towards their princess, and she raises her hand, do they trust her? do they open the door that she points towards?

its a game for three players, with each person playing one of the titular characters. it uses the descended from the queen format to create the character of the princess throughout play, along with the characters of The Lady, The Tiger, and The Accused.

its a good game!! ive got a bit more work to do on it, mainly on the tiger role. not everyone is comfortable being an actual tiger and role playing scenes that involve communicating with humans or attending parties and such, it turns out.

but im really excited abt it overall :3 its good and fun and i think it uses the descended from the queen format really well and hopefully one day ill do a crowdfunding project for it and get enough money to hire a bunch of different artists to make princess illustrations for it >:333

The Sun — Talk about a game you’ve made that you’re proud of.

im proud of all of my games, in one way or another. but, with an obligatory Before the Flood mention (crowdfunding now!), im really and truly proud of my body is your body is our body is

it was my first kinda big game that i published, and there was a lot of stuff with the first edition i really wasnt super happy with. im really, really proud of myself for finally going back in this year and fixing it. its so much better now! in a lot of ways.

and i mean it was good to start with also, most of my problems were with the programming side of it. when i was making the second edition reading back through the game made me cry a bit lol. theres a lot of banger lines in there and a lot of feelings.

[bookishable]

order of the phoenix book moments

“listening to the news! again?” “well, it changes every day, you see”

vernon: we’re not stupid harry: WeLL tHaT’s nEwS tO mE

“did he say you look like a pig that’s been taught to walk on its hind legs? ’cause that’s not cheek, dud, that’s true.”

“not this brave at night, are you?” “this is night, diddykins. that’s what we call it when it goes all dark like this.”

“what d’you mean, i’m not brave when i’m in bed? what am i supposed to be frightened of, pillows or something?”

“fought ’em off, did you, son? gave ’em the old one-two?” “you can’t give a dementor the old one-two”

tonks sending the dursleys a letter telling them they’d been short listed for the (non-existent) all-england best kept suburban lawn competition to keep them out the house so they could rescue harry

“snape’s on our side now” “doesn’t stop him being a git”

“dumbledore says he doesn’t care what they do as long as they don’t take him off the chocolate frog cards”

“kreacher lives to serve the noble house of black—” “and it’s getting blacker every day, it’s filthy”

arthur and kingsley’s fake chat at the ministry

“if you can get away before seven, molly’s making meatballs.”

‘a powerful emotion had risen in harry’s chest at the sight of dumbledore, a fortified, hopeful feeling rather like that which phoenix song gave him.’

“you got our message that the time and place of the hearing had been changed?” “i must have missed it, however, due to a lucky mistake i arrived at the ministry three hours early”

“a prefect! that’s everyone in the family!” “what are fred and i, next-door neighbours?”

harry’s personal growth moment where he realises he is happy for ron being made prefect and beating him at something for the first time, and that harry isn’t any better than him

luna: you’re harry potter harry: i know i am

neville saying “i’m nobody” and ginny being like “no you’re not” ugh we stan this friendship

the quibbler’s article on whether sirius is a notorious mass murderer or innocent singing sensation

“i, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that i, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.” “yeah, but you, unlike me, are a git, so get out and leave us alone.”

‘luna did not seem perturbed by ron’s rudeness; on the contrary, she simply watched him for a while as though he were a mildly interesting television programme.’

“i told her to keep her big fat mouth shut about you, actually. and it would be quite nice if you stopped jumping down our throats, harry, because in case you haven’t noticed, ron and i are on your side.”

“i dreamed i was playing quidditch the other night, what do you reckon that means?” “probably that you’re going to be eaten by a giant marshmallow or something”

“have a biscuit, potter.”

hermione knitting hats for the house-elves

“they didn’t look anything like hats to me, more like woolly bladders.” hermione did not speak to him all morning.

harry and ron meeting each other in the hallway, both trying to hide something but failing, harry being excited that ron wants to join the quidditch team, and ron noticing harry’s injury and being horrified we love this friendship

“ron had been honest with him, so he told ron the truth”

harry’s excellent attempt at writing a letter to sirius without obscurely revealing anything in case it got intercepted

“if you want to ‘sever ties’ with me, i swear i won’t get violent.”

“yeah, quirrell was a great teacher, there was just that minor drawback of him having lord voldemort sticking out of the back of his head.”

“i was just wondering, professor, whether you received my note telling you of the date and time of your inspec—” “obviously i received it, or i would have asked you what you are doing in my classroom” minerva strikes again

luna: the ministry’s got an army of heliopaths neville: an army of what luna: great flaming creatures that gallop across the ground burning everyth— hermione: they don’t exist, neville luna: oh yes they do

harry pretending to be ill so he could skip history of magic and find someone to help hedwig

“i can’t see any boils” “no, well, you wouldn’t, they’re not in a place we generally display to the public.” “but they make sitting on a broom a right pain in the—”

“the DA’s good, only let’s make it stand for dumbledore’s army, because that’s the ministry’s worst fear, isn’t it?”

hermione making the fake galleons and everyone being like what because it’s NEWT level magic

‘even fred had said that ron might yet make him and george proud, and that they were seriously considering admitting he was related to them, something they assured him they had been trying to deny for four years.’

“hey, potty, i heard warrington’s sworn to knock you off your broom on saturday” “warrington’s aim’s so pathetic i’d be more worried if he was aiming for the person next to me” god i love harry in this book

luna’s lion hat: “i wanted to have it chewing up a serpent to represent slytherin, you know, but there wasn’t time.”

dobby decorating the room of requirement with baubles of harry’s face saying ‘have a very harry christmas’

“ron, you are the most insensitive wart i have ever had the misfortune to meet.” it’s not true but it’s funny lmao

harry: next minute she’s crying all over me and i didn’t know what to do ron: don’t blame you, mate

‘that’s what they should teach us here, how girls’ brains work… it’d be more useful than divination, anyway…’

“i didn’t want anyone to talk to me” “well, that was a bit stupid of you, seeing as you don’t know anyone but me who’s been possessed by you-know-who, and i can tell you how it feels.” “i forgot” “lucky you”

sirius singing ‘god rest ye, merry hippogriffs’

arthur using stitches on his snake bites and molly exploding “it sounds as though you’ve been trying to sew your skin back together… WHAT DO YOU MEAN, THAT’S THE GENERAL IDEA?”

harry trying to distract the others when he realises neville’s parents are in the same ward that they are in, so neville can leave unnoticed

harry being oblivious to the fact cho wants to go to hogsmeade with him for valentine’s day

“if we can’t trust dumbledore, we can’t trust anyone.”

harry being oblivious (the sequel) and telling cho he was meeting hermione after their date, bless my son he’s trying his best

“why does she always want to drag up a subject that makes her act like a human hosepipe?”

‘hermione was sitting at a table with the unlikeliest pair of drinking mates he could ever have imagined: luna lovegood and none other than rita skeeter, one of hermione’s least favourite people in the world.’

“cho? a girl?” “it’s none of your business if harry’s been with a hundred girls” this is my favourite version of hermione

“it might have been a good idea to mention how ugly you think i am, too,” hermione added as an afterthought. “but i don’t think you’re ugly”

“she’s been breaking into your broom shed in the garden since the age of six and taking each of your brooms out in turn when you weren’t looking”

“if zacharias smith beats us i might have to kill myself.” “kill him, more like”

“hermione, you’re good on feelings and stuff, but you just don’t understand about quidditch.” “maybe not, but at least my happiness doesn’t depend on ron’s goalkeeping ability.”

‘out of respect for his feelings, harry waited a while before going up to the dormitory himself, so that ron could pretend to be asleep if he wanted to.’

dumbledore choosing firenze to teach divination knowing full well umbridge hated half-breeds

kingsley, dumbledore and mcgonagall’s genius way of saving the situation in dumbledore’s office after the DA meetings had been uncovered

“well, usually when a person shakes their head, they mean ‘no’. so unless miss edgecombe is using a form of sign-language as yet unknown to humans—”

“i have absolutely no intention of being sent to azkaban. i could break out, of course—but what a waste of time, and frankly, i can think of a whole host of things i would rather be doing.”

all the teachers pretending they couldn’t get rid of the fireworks to make umbridge run around the entire school to do so

“i could have got rid of the sparklers myself, of course, but i wasn’t sure whether or not i had the authority.”

“give five signs that identify the werewolf. one: he’s sitting in my chair. two: he’s wearing my clothes. three: his name’s remus lupin.”

“the thing about growing up with fred and george, is that you sort of start thinking anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.”

“you’d need more than a good sense of fun to liaise with my uncle, good sense of when to duck, more like.”

“are you quite sure you wouldn’t like a cough drop, dolores?”

“he has achieved high marks in all defence against the dark arts tests set by a competent teacher.”

“this boy has as much chance of becoming an auror as dumbledore has of ever returning to this school.” “a very good chance, then”

“she hated him!” “nah, she didn’t”

“your father was the best friend i ever had and he was a good person. a lot of people are idiots at the age of fifteen. he grew out of it.”

“give her hell from us, peeves.”

the catchphrase “one more lesson like that and i might just do a weasley” being a trend

‘umbridge-itis’

harry witnessed professor mcgonagall walking right past peeves, who was determinedly loosening a crystal chandelier, and could have sworn he heard her tell the poltergeist out of the corner of her mouth, “it unscrews the other way.”

WEASLEY IS OUR KING

the fifth and seventh years starting a black-market trade selling ‘brain stimulants’ for the exams

“i don’t care if my tea-leaves spell die, ron die—i’m just chucking them in the bin where they belong.”

‘even through his anger and impatience, harry recognised hermione’s offer to accompany him into umbridge’s office as a sign of solidarity and loyalty.’

ginny’s notorious bat bogey hex

“we were all in the DA together, it was all supposed to be about fighting you-know-who, wasn’t it? and this is the first chance we’ve had to do something real—or was that all just a game or something?”

“you do care, you care so much you feel as though you will bleed to death with the pain of it.”

“by all means continue destroying my possessions, i daresay i have too many.”

“in the end, it mattered not that you could not close your mind. it was your heart that saved you.”

‘sirius seemed a million miles away already; even now a part of harry still believed that if he had only pulled back that veil, he would have found sirius looking back at him, greeting him, perhaps, with his laugh like a bark…’

flitwick leaving a patch of the swamp as a monument to fred and george, and because it was “a really good bit of magic”

“you’re dead, potter.” “funny, you’d think i’d have stopped walking around…”

mgonagall arriving back at hogwarts just as snape tries to take points from gryffindor like ‘no bitch, they can have 500 points instead for fighting death eaters’

‘professor mcgonagall was clearly heard to express a regret that she could not run cheering after umbridge herself, because peeves had borrowed her walking stick.’

“i expect what you’re not aware of would fill several books, dursley”

“are you threatening me, sir?” “yes, i am,” said mad-eye, who seemed rather pleased that uncle vernon had grasped this fact so quickly.

“do i look like the kind of man who can be intimidated?” “yes, i’d have to say you do” moody just ended this book with three straight burns

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 57

Chapter Summary - Danielle wakes in the middle of the night feeling very sick, but doesn't tell Tom, when he finds her a while later, he realises she is not fully at ease with certain things, telling him that their talk is all the more important. The next day, feeling better, they talk about their issues and insecurities, hoping they are on the same page.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog​ @jessibelle-nerdy-mum​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @damalseer​ @hiddlesbitch1​ @winterisakiller​ @fairlightswiftly​ @salempoe​ @lys-syl @youcantcatchafallingstar

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

When Danielle woke, she groaned slightly; her head was spinning and all she could think about was how much everything seemed to be hurting. She gently removed herself from Tom's arms and rushed to the door, choosing to go to the main bathroom and not her en suite one. Keeping as quiet as she could, she ran to the toilet bowl and vomited violently, after several minutes, she finally finished dry-heaving and realised she had a splitting headache to go with her nausea. Grabbing the towel from its rack, she placed it on the tiled floor and lay her head on it, her breathing slowing again now that she did not feel like her blood was on fire.

Tom's brows furrowed as he felt the sheets next to him for Danielle, only to find them empty, forcing himself to awaken more, he turned on the light next to him and looked around. There was no light from the en suite, the door of which was slightly ajar and the sheets next to him were cold and...as he felt them, he realised they were damp, as was the pillow. Concerned, he rose to his feet and grabbed his boxers, which were still beside the bed from the night before and rubbed his hand over his face to help wake himself, the cold chill of the winter night caused him to shiver slightly and he then realised the bedroom door was opened slightly, so he walked into the hallway. "Elle?" He called as he opened the door, noticing the light beaming out from under the main bathroom door, he walked over and knocked. "Elle?"

"Tom," Tom's heartfelt as though it was about to explode in his chest when he heard how faint and pathetic her voice was. "Tom."

He pushed open the door and winced slightly. The stench of sweat and vomit were the first things to hit him, but when he saw Danielle covered in sweat and shivering on the cold tiled floor, he forgot the foul smells and knelt down to her. "Elle."

"I think I'm sick."

Tom looking at her for a moment before he chuckled, "I think you might be." he agreed. "Why didn't you call me?"

"I didn't want to disturb you."

"You are the silliest woman." he shook his head. He reached down to pull her into his arms and walk her back to bed. "How long have you been here?" He asked worriedly, realising just how cold she was.

"I woke at about one."

"Elle, it is four-thirty, you have been here for over three hours on a cold floor, what were you thinking?" He snapped worriedly.

"I'm sorry."

Danielle's response was so feeble and meek, Tom felt guilty for even sounding clipped. "I know, I'm sorry if I sound mad, I just don't want you to be getting more sick." He stroked her hair and scooped her into his arms.

"No, I smell." Her attempts to wriggle out of his grip were laughable.

"I know, because you are sick and I am going to bring you back to bed and you are going to get some medication and we will have you right as rain again soon," he promised as he walked through the hallway and back to her room.

"But the bed."

"Elle, the sheets are already damp because of you."

"I'm surprised you are not trying to take credit for that." Tom chuckled at her words. "I'm sorry I ruined Christmas."

"Elle, you did not..."

"I went into hospital Christmas Eve, I made Emma mad again Christmas day, and I am sick on Stephens' Day." She listed.

"You had a fall, Emma is being a brat and you cannot help whatever this is, what is it anyway? I am not sick, so I don't think it is food-related."

"I don't know," Danielle groaned, curling into a ball as soon as she was placed in the bed.

Tom went to retrieve some paracetamol and ibuprofen she kept in the bathroom. "Which ones?"

"Only the panadol, you can't mix ibuprofen with diffene," she explained. Tom fed her the painkillers and got in beside her, using his body heat to warm her. "I am so run down." She moaned.

"Could you be...?" Tom asked warily.

"Could I be what?"

"Pregnant?"

Danielle froze for a moment. "I could, but I don't think so." She dismissed.

"We have sex, a lot, and I don't think in the time we've been together, you've..."

"Bled? No, I don't on the bar. It is the reason I am on it, if I wasn't, you'd know, trust me. As for pregnancy, it's the best thing on the market and I don't feel like my boobs are sore or bigger, nor do I feel bloated, I don't think it's anything like that, so I don't think you have to worry."

"It's not that I am worried, it's just..."

"Too soon?" She answered. "If Emma thought us spending the next few months seeing if we can go without strangling one another was bad," she laughed. "I think it is just being run down, not enough sleep, food and fresh air, my body is telling me to behave and look after myself." She dismissed as she began to warm up again. "Don't worry."

"Well get some more sleep, and I mean it, wake me if you feel ill again, alright?"

"I promise," Danielle swore, falling back asleep, her body warming as she did.

A few hours later, it was actually Danielle that was first to wake, and bar a small twinge in her temple, felt as though she was well-rested, if not tender-stomached and hungry. Tom was snoring ever so slightly in his sleep, causing her to grin and look at him before slipping out from under the covers, and even with the heating having warmed the house, she shivered for a moment as she made her way to the bathroom and took a diffene for her wrist, knowing it would help her head too. Feeling crap from her night, she decided to just throw on the shower and begin the day feeling fresh. As soon as the steam began to come out of the showerhead, she jumped in, moaning as the warm water hit her, making her feel almost human again. She was in there a few moments when she remembered she was wearing the brace and took it off, popping it on the radiator in hopes of getting it to get dried once more.

She was barely in there a few minutes when a shadow came into view. "Are you joining me?" She grinned.

Tom opened the shower door, naked and smiled at her. "Feeling better?"

"Stupid migraines, I haven't had one with vomiting in years, that wasn't fun."

"I can well imagine." He stepped in and closed the door behind him, sighing contently as the warm water hit him too. "I am glad you feel better, but you are going to have to start talking to me when you are sick."

"I know." She gave an apologetic smile. "I will."

"You say that, but you said so after your fall too, why won't you trust me?"

"I do trust you."

"Then why is this something you fight so ardently?"

"Because you're Tom Hiddleston and can have any woman you want and I am just a no one, frumpy, short and boring, seeing me sick is not going to make me any more attractive and when I am injured, I am not the strong sort of woman you like." She explained.

Tom stared at her for a moment, in truth, he thought she had to be joking, but her sheepish demeanour told him that she genuinely thought herself beneath him. "Elle, we all get sick, everyone does, the sexiest person alive gets sick and no one can pull off sick as sexy, and as for you not being strong, you came over here, alone, and made the life you wanted for yourself, you refuse to take shit from anyone, including the biggest brat to ever hit the music industry and you got her to back down from you, not the other way around and you think yourself weak, you are terrifyingly strong." He declared. "I am terrified you want someone stronger than me, someone, who can deal with things better than I can."

"You deal with everything so well, you don't ever seem phased."

"I shit myself all the time, interviews, auditions, hell even if I see a camera pointing at me or a fan walking over to me in the street, because I have no idea what is going to happen and I can't control it, but you, you take control, Taylor Fucking Swift came up to you and you dismissed her as a talentless nobody whose opinion was irrelevant, think about that, she had the gumption to state she was not complicit in any of that song of its lyrics, then was caught lying on camera and still held her head high as though she was not caught out and you had her scuttling off like a beetle. You are terrifying and fiery and I am so often terrified I am not good enough for you."

Danielle gave a small grin, "Well, yeah, when you say it like that I sound badass." She let the waterfall on her face for a moment before wiping it off again and looking at him. "How about we have breakfast and have that talk?"

"I think we need to." he agreed. "But before we go any further, this is not to end things, not to destroy what we're building, right?"

"I want to talk about everything, not just the random statement about two to three kids and a house in a suburb, a proper conversation on it all."

"Well, any boy is going to Eton, that's a must, and don't let Benedict say that Harrow is better because that is bullshit, I will tell you that now." He stated, causing Danielle to smile before she reached for her shampoo.

*

"So, sitting room or in here?" Danielle looked at Tom as she placed the last of their dishes on the side of the sink to drain. "To talk." She looked at him slightly apprehensively. "You seemed so sure about it a short while ago."

"I was hoping we could go out and do it." Tom frowned at her. "Walk Mac and talk. I feel like I haven't walked my own dog is a couple of weeks and after being cooped up all yesterday and for ages before Christmas, I want some fresh air."

"What if someone spots us?"

"We'll go to the woods, if there is someone there, they deserve to get photos. We don't have to." she backtracked.

"You...you want to risk being seen?" There was a glint of excited hope in his voice.

"I want to be with you, Tom, I don't particularly like the idea that someday, I will be on a tabloid comparing me to Taylor and being viciously attacked for existing by random people online, but yes, I want to be with you in public, well, start the process anyway." She smiled.

"I'll get Mac's lead," Tom stated, rushing off with a large goofy grin on his face. Smiling, Danielle dried her hands and retrieved her jacket. "We'll take the car out since you were ill this morning; actually, should we call the hospital, you did have the fall, are they related?"

"I don't think so, I think it was just an exhaustion migraine."

"Maybe we should anyway..."

"Tom, if I feel ill again, I will fully consent to you bringing me to the hospital, but I feel fine, so please, let's just go." She stated.

"Fine, I need a cover for the back seat, I cannot imagine Mac is going to be overly clean after our walk."

"In the press where his lead is, there are plastic-backed blankets just for him." She instructed. "Here."

"No, you're injured, I have them," Tom went and got what was needed. "I am going to get some old clothes so I don't care if I get ruined, you get yourself and Mac ready." He instructed.

"Yes, sir." Danielle gave a small military salute and giggled. "Tell your mam where we are going too, she would go mad if the day after she warns me to be good, I run off and ignore her."

"She'd appreciate that." Tom nodded. "Off with you." He walked over to his mothers, his Jaguar still outside Danielle's door from collecting her from the hospital two days previous, when he entered his mother's, he chuckled slightly. His niece had apparently not forgotten she only say half of the movie and forced them all to watch it again, much to her father's chagrin. "Elle and I are walking Mac in the woods, we'll be back in about two hours." He informed them.

"The two of you?" Sarah smiled.

"Yes, we need to talk about a few things, and Mac needs a walk, so it makes sense to sort it all together."

"Is everything alright?" Diana asked worriedly.

"Great, we just want to talk about some things in general mum, nothing to worry about," Tom promised. "She just wanted me to tell you we were going because she knows after the last day, you would be worried."

Diana gave an uncertain smile, "Thank you, darling."

Giving his mother a kiss on the cheek, he ran upstairs and got what he needed before he ran down again, with his car keys in hand and ran out to his car, where Mac and Danielle were waiting patiently. "Ready?"

"We are." Her smile filled him with confidence that they would easily be able to talk through everything and achieve whatever they needed to.

There was very little said between the house and the woods, both thinking over everything they had to say, Mac Tíre happily lying on the back seat looking at the world going by. They parked up at the gate that Danielle had waited for an ambulance at. "Where is your bike, by the way?"

"It got badly damaged in the fall," She sighed. "The guy that found me works for the park, he said they will scrap it, it's all it's good for now." She explained as they got out and locked the car. "Will this be alright here?" She pointed to the car.

"How many are going to try and rob the only Jag I have ever seen around here?" Tom chuckled. "It is fine." They walked in a little, Mac off the lead so he could sniff around, but Tom kept his lead ready in case they needed it. "Where do we start?"

"Well, we could do a loop and come back here, but you have to makes sure on the fourth crossroads you take a right."

"I meant in this conversation, Elle."

"I know, I was just trying to not be the one to start it," she explained. "Right, so I guess we start with what we want from this. Both of us aren't in this for some fun I take it, this is a serious, wanting to try and start a life together relationship."

"Aiming towards marriage and kids down the road in a few years if it works," Tom stated.

"So that's a start. I am not overly bothered on marriage, I mean if I get married, great, but to me, it is a piece of paper, it is not as important as people make it out to be." She explained.

"You still feel like that?" Tom asked, remembering her saying something to Emma a few years previous on the matter.

"I want a proper happy relationship, a piece of paper does not dictate your happiness in a relationship." She explained further. "If in a few years, you and I are still doing this, and marriage seems like a good step, I would happily do so, but it is not a requirement for me is what I am saying."

"Alright, and kids?"

"Nice, but again, not a requirement. I have plans I want to get done first." She explained. "You?"

"I don't want to have children in the same position as I was in, I want it to be done properly, two parents, happy together."

"Is that part of the reason you discuss my parents, you think I have the background that would make it more likely to happen?"

"I never thought of anything like that, consciously anyway, but it could be that; I cannot say what my subconscious thinking, but in truth, no I had not thought of that," Tom answered honestly. "Does my parent's break-up make you feel somewhat worried?"

"No, we are not our parents, their good or their bad. Your parents were not happy, what is the point them being in a bad marriage if it would have affected you, Em's and Sarah negatively. You had two homes where your parents were more at peace, and in turn able to parent you better than one toxic home." She stated.

"Fair point." Tom conceded. "So this plan of yours?"

"I want to further myself in this job, I want to be the one that the studio contracts, not being called in by a firm for a studio." She stated. "I want it that I answer to me, if I am up at four am for a shoot, then I am the one bringing home all the cash, not someone else sitting in a swivel chair in an office getting the lion's share and me pulling only a salary." She explained.

"You see, you have so much drive." Tom pointed out. "What do I need to do to help you achieve that?"

"If I say that I need to study, let me; if I pull a fifteen-hour day, drag me away from said study for food." She suggested.

"Only if you do the same with me and scripts."

"Deal." She smiled fondly. "I promise to keep you in tea and other sustenance too."

"Well then, it appears we have an accord my darling." He grinned, taking her injured hand and gently kissing it. "What are we going to do when this comes out?"

"Us?" Tom nodded. "Do we get a warning?"

"Magazines, usually yes, fans and online, usually no."

"I think we should be prepared, we should have a picture, one of us, happy and pre-planned, doing something natural, at home on the couch, out with Mac, something that is really us, and when they all come for their blood, we use that, give it to your social media, take their power off them, give people the details before they can."

Tom smiled, "That is a great idea."

"I want this to be ours for as long as we can, but if there is a chance we are spotted, I want you to do what you can to release it first. If there is a situation where we know it will be public, say an event where we can't prevent it, do it as far in advance of it as possible."

"Alright."

"I am not a very public person Tom, I am not good with dressing beautifully and looking good for a camera, I am not sure if I can ever do for you what Sophie does for Ben."

"I disagree with your idea of your beauty, but would never force you to. If you are not willing to go on a red carpet, I don't want to do that to you." Danielle said nothing for a short while. "What is it?"

"I thought things were getting better with Emma, but she went back to being mad as soon as we mentioned me staying with you."

"She needs to get over herself, she is five months older than you and half your maturity," Tom growled. "She and Jack moved in together and I said nothing, literally nothing, because I knew they were happy together and he would treat her right, she needs to extend the same courtesy to us."

"I just want my friend back."

"I know, darling." Tom pulled her close to him. "What other concerns do you have?"

"How do I prepare for people saying I am nothing but a golddigger?"

"I'm afraid I have no idea."

"Really, not even after the summer, I mean, every second paper was saying you were after a Sugar Mama."

Tom scoffed. "Really?"

"Yes."

"I never noticed."

"How do you ignore that sort of thing?"

"I don't read about myself online, I once did it, and they were all discussing what I am like in bed, that put a quick end to that."

"I hope they were at least complimenting."

"There are social media pages dedicated to discussing my size." He exclaimed.

"Were they generous?"

"Not the point, Elle."

"Well, at least they are nice about you."

"Some are, others aren't, especially after..."

"Well some people were never going to be happy anyway, others probably just held that opinion of her, to begin with, and wondered what brought you two together."

"Do you wonder?"

"No, I don't, and I don't care." She stated firmly.

"Why did you react like that?" Tom asked. "So vehemently against even knowing."

"I don't want to know Tom, I don't discuss Paul, I don't want to discuss Taylor, it is weird to focus on exes, I don't mind discussing her new songs or how Paul is doing, but the relationships, no, unless there is something long term as a result, I'm good not knowing."

"Okay..."

"Do you want to know the intricate details of my time with Paul?" Tom's facial expression answered her question. "Well, same here. They both have their lives, we are trying to sort ours, so we will leave it at that."

Tom gave her a loving smile. "You are so mature, you know that?"

"I am in my late twenties, if I wasn't by now, I would be worried."

"Well so many people remain bitter."

"Why, though, I mean, then they are taking up space in your head and preventing you from being happy if you do that, so off with them."She shrugged. "Now, enough on that, what else do you and I need to talk about?"

"The house?"

"Yours or mine?"

"The one in London."

"So yours."

"If it's your home Elle, it is not mine, it is ours."

"Your name is on the deeds."

"That shouldn't matter too much, should it?"

"I suppose not." Her tone defeated.

Tom looked at her, "You can choose not to stay if you want."

"I want to, I am just scared."

"Of what?"

"If I alter things, put new books in, borrow one and you go looking for it; if I do something to something you don't want to be touched..."

"Hey, stop that now." Tom stood in front of her, "I gave you that key because I wanted you to feel comfortable, because I know you are going to be very busy and tired for the next few months with work and to ensure we got to see each other as often as possible in that time, I did not do so without thinking of the alterations that would no doubt happen with us both being there. I saw how you were over the past couple of weeks, and I know you were so busy you did not get a chance to actually get comfortable, but bar your terrible book organisational skills, I know you're tidy, jovial and quiet the most of the time, I actually like that."

"Really, attacking my books, again."

"Darling, there is nothing wrong with your books, how you organise them is the issue."

Danielle threw her eyes up at him, causing him to chuckle before getting serious again. "Are you worried about when I am away?"

"About being by myself, not that no, I can handle that."

Tom processed her words, "But you are concerned?" Danielle failed to respond. "What are you scared of?"

"You work with gorgeous, funny, intelligent women." Tom froze, knowing what she was implying. "If you rather one of them, could you please just, I dunno, send me a text, ring me, do anything other than waiting until after, or not tell me and let me find out some terrible way." she looked at him pleadingly. "I don't want to be made a fool of Tom, especially, Jesus, if it ended up on a rag paper and the whole world knew before me, I couldn't take the looks or sympathy, or in some cases, delight."

Tom looked at her for a moment, he was hurt she would think him capable of that, he was never one to consider such a thing, but he wasn't an idiot, it happened a lot in his industry, every second week if rag mags were to be believed. "I would not do that, you know that right? But, if by some chance I did find myself wanting to do such, I would never hurt you like that." He promised, looking directly into her eyes. "I mean it, Elle, I could not do that to you."

"Okay, please just remember that. I rather be heartbroken that we didn't last than crushed by you trying to say you're sorry or you didn't want to hurt me. I rather be hurt by the honesty than by betrayal."

"I will, but on that note, I know I am not always home, I know I am gone a lot and that has been a reason why I have not partaken in relationships a lot over the past few years, I don't like the idea of leaving someone behind. If I neglect you if another man realises just how amazing you are when I am not there, if he..." Tom swallowed hard at the words he was forcing out. "If he gives you what I can't, please, I..."

Danielle gave him a comforting smile. "We respect each other enough to do the right thing, deal?"

"Deal." Tom's eyes were glassy, the idea of Danielle casting him aside for someone else, alone hurt him more than he thought it would. She was not someone who would cheat, she seemed to be almost aggressive towards those who were, it was something she had never understood or stood for, even when a friend of hers in a terrible marriage had cheated, as much as she hated the husband and thought the friend should leave, she still snapped at the woman for lowering herself to such a level. He felt somewhat unsure of what to do next until Danielle placed her hand in his.

"So, really, you'd want to ship your hypothetical sons to Eton?"

"I didn't mind it."

"I thought you said you felt alone there?"

"But it is a good education."

"And what of your daughters, should you have some?" She asked curiously.

"Why don't you like the idea of private schools?"

"Private schools is one thing, boarding schools are another; I hated it." Tom paused and looked at her. "I lasted one semester, and when I came home for Christmas, I refused to go back."

"I didn't..."

"I know, so when you said my parents didn't want to invest in my education, they did, I just didn't want that. I was happier in a normal school."

"I never should have said that. Did I even apologise for it, I am so sorry for the horrible things I said to you that day, for how I acted, when you had had such a terrible night."

"In your defence, I used the 'p' word, so I sort of deserved it." She countered. "So, are we okay?"

"I think so, I cannot think of anything else right now. I cannot believe I am finally discussing these things, I thought I had ruined any chance of all of this for myself."

"How so?"

"I kept pushing people away."

"Why did you let me in?"

"Because when I think about having something with you, I feel excited. I have not felt that before."

"Well, I mean, I am fabulous." She grinned, fanning herself.

"I concur." Tom smiled, taking her hand and kissing it again. "Are we already nearly back to the car?"

"Yep."

"Good, I want lunch."

Danielle laughed, "How are you as lithe as you are?"

"Well of late, I have been partaking in some very amorous acts that aid me in maintaining my physique."

"Is that right?" Danielle gave a smirk and a raised brow. "How very good of your significant other to be so selfless as to assist you in such a manner."

"I know, and I think I know how to thank her."

"Well now, you have me wanting to run back to the car."

"Good." Tom burst into a sprint.

"What! Not fair, I'm short." Danielle shouted as she started to run.

"Excuses." Tom laughed as he ran on, seeing her follow, Mac Tíre easily outstripped them, circling around the pair several times as they ran as though taunting them of his speed and durability.

"That was mean." Danielle puffed as she slowed down at the car.

Tom leant against it, feeling somewhat out of breath himself. "I won."

"You had a head start and long legs you fucker, that's cheating."

"I can't help my height."

"Neither can I." she walked over to him, but before she could poke or elbow him, Tom pulled her to him and looked down at her.

"I am so glad I finally have you."

"You're not so bad yourself, Hiddles." She leant up and kissed him.

"What if someone catches us?"

"Fuck em." she grinned, kissing him again.

[uncloseted]

Hey Christina!!!!!!!!!! Sorry I’m hyped. I was wondering if you could do a “50 things about yourself” idk if you’ve done it before but I’d like to know about you cause you’re so cool! 😎 and we love you

Hi!  I haven’t done one before but I’m happy to.  And of course, if there’s anything you guys want to know about me I’m an open book.  This particular “50 Things” tag is old school Tumblr, so it’s sort of random, but hopefully something in there is interesting for you guys.

1. What takes up too much of your time?

Reddit.  I’m an information junkie and most of the stuff on there has very little use in my life, but once in a while I come across a gem and it’s what keeps me scrolling.

2.       What makes your day better?

Iced coffee.  There’s a coffee shop near my house that I really like, and I also bought a bunch of the fancy flavored syrups so I can make it at home.

3.       What’s the best thing that happened to you today?

I’ve been having a pretty chill day so far, but spending the day with my boyfriend has been really nice.

4.       What fictional place would you like to go?

The Night Circus!  It’s one of my secret ambitions in life to actually build it.

5.       Are you good at giving advice?

I sure hope so, otherwise I’m running some of your lives 😂. But seriously, I do my best.1.

6.       Do you have any mental illness?

Let’s say I know my way around a therapist’s office and leave it at that.

7.       Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis?

Yes!  I used to get a combination of sleep paralysis and exploding head syndrome semi-regularly, but that hasn’t happened in years.

8.       What musician inspired you the most?

I don’t know about “inspired” but I think The Velvet Underground had a big hand in shaping who I am.  Also Patti Smith, she’s great.  I highly recommend her book “Just Kids” to all of you.  There’s something about it that feels Skinsy even though on paper they’re nothing alike.

9.       Have you ever fallen in love?

Absolutely.  I’ve been with my boyfriend for four years now and I couldn’t be happier. 

10.   What’s your dream date?

I love driving to a new city and checking out what there is to do there.  I think having a place that you share just with that one person is really romantic. 

11.   What do other people notice about you?

My hair, my clothes, or my “intimidating” face are the ones I hear the most often.

12.  What is the annoying habit you have?

My boyfriend really hates it when I do “active listening” (where you nod or make noises to let people know you’re still paying attention to them).

13.  Do you still talk to your first love?

No, but I hope they’re doing well.

14.  How many ex’s do you have?

6ish would be my guess?  I’d be interested to know if all of those people would say that I’m their ex, though.

15.  How many songs are on your playlist?

I don’t really make playlists, so I guess none.  I’m sorry that’s a super boring answer. 

16.  What instruments can you play?

Piano and bass guitar pretty well and tuba badly (and I can’t actually carry the instrument anymore).  I could play the flute when I was younger but I imagine I can’t anymore.

17.  Who do you have the most pictures of?

My boyfriend, I think.  I have a Polaroid camera and I like taking pictures of him when he’s not paying attention. 

18.  Where would you like to go before you die?

Argentina, Scandinavia, Japan, South Korea, Hong Kong, Russia, Vietnam, South Africa, Morocco, Australia, Antarctica, and the moon.

19.  What is your zodiac?

Libra!  My birthday is coming up on the 17th. 

20.  Do you relate to it?

I do!  And I feel sort of badly about that because I know that zodiac is just the Barnum Effect in action, but the Libra desire for balance, idealism, and love of aesthetics is me. 

21.  What is happiness to you?

Being free of expectations from myself and other people.

22.  Are you going through anything right now?

In my experience, adulthood is just going through different things for the rest of your life, so yes. Pretty much always.  But right now I’m looking for a new job and that’s been a lot.

23.  What is the worst decision you’ve ever made?

How much time do you have?  I did a lot of things in my teenage years that I’m not particularly proud of.

24.  What is your favourite store?

I love really giant department stores like Harrod’s, or covered markets with tons of different random stalls.  I like the idea that you don’t know what you’re going to find.  I also love antique stores for the same reason.

25.  What is your opinion on abortion?

It should be available and accessible to anyone who wants or needs it.  But so should birth control.  And I think it’s important that people understand all of their options before making a decision and are given mental health support if they need it as well. 

26.  Do you have a bucket list?

Not really.  I had basically one thing that I’d always wanted to accomplish and that happened way earlier than I expected, so now I’m trying to figure out what my next thing will be.

27.  Do you have a favourite album at the moment?

Blue Scholar’s Cinematropolis or Belle & Sebastian’s Dear Catastrophe Waitress.  And Velvet Underground’s Loaded, always. 

28.  What do you want for your birthday?

I’m hoping my boyfriend and I will go away for the weekend.  Fingers crossed that our schedules work out!

29.  What are most people’s first impression of you?

I think people find me to be intimidating (when they’re being generous) or mean (when they’re not).  Like I said before, I have a bit of a bitchy face and so I have to make a conscious effort to smile at people.

30.  What age do you seem according to most people?

I’m not sure.  I’ve gotten to the point where I’m just sort of “in my 20s” and people don’t care what the exact number is.  But in general, I think people assume I am however old they are, so anywhere from like 18-30.

31.  Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping?

Right next to my bed, which you shouldn’t do.  But I read on my phone before I go to sleep and I use it as an alarm clock, so it ends up on my bedside table.

32.  What word do you say the most?

It’s probably “but”.  I spend a lot of time considering all the possibilities in a given situation so I spend a lot of time being like, “but what about this? But what if that? Things could be this way, but on the other hand they’re like that”.  I don’t think I really have a catchphrase, though.

33.  What’s the oldest age you would date?

Thirty, probably?  I feel like anyone older than that is probably in a different stage of their life than I am.

34.  What’s the youngest age you would date?

Twenty three or so?  They would have to be out of college.

35.  What job/career do most people say would suit you?

Other than the job I do now, I get a lot of people saying that I should be an art curator or a museum curator.  And I get people telling me I should be a therapist, obviously.

36.  What’s your favourite music genre?

Like most people I like your general pop/rock situation.  I really like baroque pop, which is pop music but that includes orchestral instruments.  And then I also love electroswing, I think it’s such a fun blend of genres.

37.  If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be?

Either the Netherlands or Denmark.  But I would also like to spend some time in France and more time in Italy, where I did study abroad.  I also really love the UK, but given the current political situation I’m not sure I’ll be moving there any time soon, especially since I’d need a visa.

38.  What is your current favourite song?

I don’t know if I really have one.  I do enjoy when I hear Billie Eilish’s “Bad Guy” on the radio, though, does that count?

39.  How long have you had this blog for?

Since October, 2013!  I’m coming up on my six year anniversary.  I think I have something like 30,000 posts.

40.  What are you excited for?

The future! I think no matter how the present seems, the future is always an exciting prospect. 

41.  Are you a better talker or listener?

I think this might surprise some people, but I think I’m a better talker than listener.

42.  What is the last productive thing you did?

The last really productive thing I did was to film a pitch video for a project I’m working on, but the most recent is doing some work for this blog.

43.  What do you want for Christmas?

The impeachment of Donald Trump? Can Santa do that?  I would also take “people taking climate crisis seriously”.

44.  What class do you get the best grades in?

In high school, philosophy/religion and psychology. At university I did very well in “Iconic Figures of Popular Music: Simon and Garfunkel”.

45.  On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling?

Around a 7.  I need to get dressed and leave the house, but I don’t have anywhere in particular I need to be so I’ve been putting it off.

46.  What can you see yourself doing in 10 years?

I’d like to be living in a different country than the one I do now with my boyfriend.  I’d like to be self employed or remotely employed, so that I have flexibility in when and where I do work.  I want to be doing something where I’m bettering other people’s lives or the world at large. But mostly what I’d like to be doing is traveling and learning.  But really my priority is that by that time, I want to be content with myself.  I think what you’re doing and where you’re doing it is so much less important than how you feel while doing it, and in 10 years I hope I can say that I’m living a happy and worthwhile life, whatever that ends up being.

47.  When did you get your first heart broken?

I think I was 14.  What I’ll say about it is this- in the moment it mattered so, so much to me.  My parents were the first person that each other dated and I assumed that was how all relationships worked, so when that wasn’t how this one worked out, I was devastated.  But now I barely remember that person, and  I live with someone else who’s completely different and totally awesome and I couldn’t be happier.  I know it sounds like a lie but with time and perspective all wounds can heal.

48.  At what age do you want to get married?

I didn’t think I wanted to get married at all.  I don’t like the idea of having a big wedding where you’re the center of attention and everyone is starting at you.  But in the long run being legally married is practical, so my boyfriend and I will probably do it at some point when we feel like it makes logistic sense.

49.  What career did you want to have as a child?

I wanted to be an Imagineer at Disney.  They’re the people who design the theme parks.  I also wanted to be the president of the moon.

50.  What do you crave right now?

Excitement!  Nothing is going on in my day right now and I’m starting to get bored.  I have a very low tolerance for boredom so days like this really get to me.

[rebornghostgirl]

Character Sheet!

Basics FULL NAME. Athena Tesla Scott

PRONUNCIATION. Uh-the-na

NICKNAME. Nutjob, thena, crazy science girl

GENDER. Cis female HEIGHT. 5'5

AGE. 14 when she died, but has grown to 19... Her body accommodates from a 14 year to a 19 year old body as well as mentality. Making the character appropriately 18+.

ZODIAC. Aries SPOKEN LANGUAGES. English, High school German, Bits and bytes, Gaelic.

𝐩𝐡𝐲𝐬𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐬 ! HAIR COLOR. White EYE COLOR. Both are silver eyes... Dark brown in life

SKIN TONE. In ghostly form she's a very darkish blue. If she tries to seem more lifelike she's a chocolate skinned black girl. BODY TYPE. Very thin and pettite, she forgets to eat and is in her lab reading to really have some weight.

ACCENT. Oof, she has a british/Scottish accent that mixes in with a southern one. VOICE. An alto. Often sounding bubbly and cute. Shaky at times, but when she yells she sounds more stern.

DOMINANT HAND. Ambidextrous at birth. POSTURE. Hunched over something always. A book, computer, invention, most of the time you'll always see her back till she turns to you and pops it. Other than that she stands up in a relaxed posture.

SCARS. She has scars on her hands and fingers from hurting herself with her science experiments. Her thighs have slashes from a related experiment. She has a stabbing mark in her back from the betrayal of someone she thought was her friend. She has scars that look like lightning covering her body starting from her left arm and coarsed it's way to her left shoulder and torso. All scars are covered by her attire minus the hands.

She doesn't like to talk about them.

TATTOOS. None BIRTHMARKS. None MOST NOTICEABLE FEATURE(S). Her white short hair as well as her eyes are one. She also sparks from her body when she emotes and it changes color for each mood. She can have multiple colors for mixed feelings. Red for angry, orange for hunger, yellow for happiness, green for sick, blue for sadness, indigo for tiredness, purple for thinking, white for excited, black for fear, pink for lovesick. When she's neutral she emits gray and teal sparks.

𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 ! PLACE OF BIRTH. In the basement of a university science lab. HOMETOWN. London

BIRTH WEIGHT. 6pounds, 8 ounces BIRTH HEIGHT. 16 inches

MANNER OF BIRTH. Natural, mother had help from medical students.

FIRST WORDS. Safety glasses on...

SIBLINGS. Aries and her dog pallas which she considers a sister. Adoptive brother Timmy whom she adores.

PARENTS. Dr. Zeus Washington Carver and Dr. Metis Curie (Yes my greek mythology fans or/and science history buffs you are sensing a pattern with the names here)

Adoptive parents are Sen. George and Madame Maddie Scott

Beauregard Ghast: the Ghost Host

PARENTAL INVOLVEMENT. Dr. Zeus is a power hungry mad biochem scientist hell bent on world domination. He believes that since the world is burning up that he shall be its savior; unfortunately thaat plan involves killing millions of innocent people.

Dr. Metis was a fresh biochem graduate and fell in love with him before she knew of his evil tendencies. She got pregnant and had twins: Athena and Ares. Zeus was angry and lashed out at her at the news imploring she gets rid of them, but Metis wanted them and when they where born Zeus forged her signature to give up the babies and she dissapeared without a trace. Its unknown where is she today.

Ares grew up in a abusive orphanage while Athena was adopted into a life of luxury. But it didn't made her happy. Her adoptive father and mother was neglectful to her and her little bro, Timmy. George really just wanted the people of colors' votes.

In death Athena found the haunted mansion after seeing a Disney ad. Where she found Beau and he has became her adoptive father who loves and respects her. She loves him dearly.

𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 ! OCCUPATION. College student, bio major...

CURRENT RESIDENCE. Gracey Manor, aka The Haunted Mansion. She uses her portal gun to attend Monster's university. (She goes there because she can *blows raspberry*)

CLOSE FRIENDS. Ares (recently they used to be enemies), Pallas, Drossy (kind of, she has a feeling she doesn't like her), Caitlin: the butler of the mansion(low key calls them mom),

RELATIONSHIP STATUS. Single

FINANCIAL STATUS. I could write she's a ghost she don't need money but nah... Right now she has 3 dollars and is in thousands of dollars in debt. Thanks college!

DRIVER’S LICENSE. Apparently she does have a licence for every vehicle you can think of. But she drives wild and has a lead foot.

CRIMINAL RECORD. None, but her science antics has caught the attention of the FBI numerous times, unbeknownst to anyone. I mean the girl went to space numerous times. Secretly, she steals alcohol from the cellar...

𝐬𝐞𝐱 & 𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 ! SEXUAL ORIENTATION. Pan ROMANTIC ORIENTATION. Pan

EMOTIONAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch PREFERRED SEXUAL ROLE. submissive | dominant | switch

LIBIDO. High. Really high. I mean... To the moon high...

TURN ONS. Sensitivity, hugs, impressing her with extensive knowledge. Telling her that she's yours and yours alone, Role playing that she's your slave with safety words. (Trying to keep it kinda pg), Any roleplaying with safety words, exploding stuff in a lab. Finding a new piece of scientific knowledge. Mutual pleasure

TURN OFFS. Lies, breaking a promise, not making sure she's all right with anything, the partner isn't having any fun, hurting her sensitive areas. Mentioning her scars.

LOVE LANGUAGE. Introverted and shy, she's not an easy one to get close to. She has walls and barriers around herself, but once she trusts you and has fallen in love. She loves you to death and will protect you fiercely. She makes sure you're all right before herself, even if its not good for her. She's very cuddly and will hug, kiss, and cuddle you as much as you want. She does want your attention though and will squeeze her way near you to get it. She's a little yandere-ish but not psycho and will give you some space. But its the obsessive clingy behavior that makes her in the catagory. Tootie from the fairly odd parents is the best example.

RELATIONSHIP TENDENCIES. She's a little yandere-ish to everyone she loves so she always wants to spend time with them and will over protect them. This is due to her neglectful parents emotionally abusing Timmy and especially, the death of Pallas. But she can be reasoned with and she will try to control her anxiety. She apologizes constantly and doesnt want to harm anyone so she makes sure everyone is alright. Other times She's a little distant but only cause she thinks you need space.

𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐨𝐮𝐬 ! CHARACTER’S THEME SONG. 'Lucky Orb ft. Hatsune Miku' or 'Contact by Daft Punk' couldn't pick

HOBBIES TO PASS TIME. In the lab doing science s***, or in her room doing homework. Or She's all over the mansion exploring, taking samples, trying to figure out that interdimentional staircase, in the pool. Gazing at the organist from afar. Playing with Pallas. Riding her motorcycle. Binge eating food, scowling Ebay for Hatsune Miku figures and stuff. And then passing out, sleeping for hours after doing all of that for 2 days straight.

MENTAL ILLNESSES. Depression and anxiety.

PHYSICAL ILLNESSES. None

LEFT OR RIGHT BRAINED: Left brained. But does lean a little to the right.

PHOBIAS. Insectiphobia and Arachniphobia... Just all bugs... Fears that her loved ones will get hurt by her hands or by something else she could've protected them from. Fears that She's useless and crazy.

SELF CONFIDENCE LEVEL. Off and on. Some cases she knows something is going to work and is proud. Other cases she thinks she's going to fail and that she'll get yelled at again. She's working on it though. Learning how to fail, why its ok to make mistakes, that betrayal isn't the end of the world. That yes bad things happen but good things will too.

VULNERABILITIES. Physically: Her sparks can give her location even when invisble. She hasn't figured out how to control them yet. They can also catch something else on fire and electrocute somebody else. If its bad you can smell her burning.

Weak knees... Go for her legs.

Emotionally: Go for the guilt trip. She can easily be made to think something is her fault. She can also be manipulated into thinking 'rationally' and may end up doing a henious act when she thought she was doing good. Easily pressured to do anything you want especially if it will 'help' people.

TAGGED BY: @asktheghosthost

I tag @unto-myself-together @aliypop @r0bofactory @inkandfeatherdusters @catinabag @ask-the-hatbox-ghost

And anyone who wants to to it.

[pattiev0yd]

im havign a weird time kind of so I might just dump on here for a minute,, ta lads

first and foremost my dad passed away like a week ago (edit: the whole post ended up being about this, bye). I have not posted this on Instagram or Facebook yet cos I'm not rly sure how, but ill have to do it at some point I figure? Idk like I suppose I don't rly, but I feel weird when I don't post milestones on Insta which is probably weird in itself. who knows. I think Im just so used to oversharing at this point that I'm not sure when the line is for ordinary people (as opposed to Tumblr icons lol)

I had a couple of messages from people back home who found out some other way, most likely by seeing my mum in a shop or whatever, one of them is a very old friend who I didn't speak to now for almost ten years. I really really want to reply to her but I'm afraid so I just haven't yet. I would like to get coffee with her and talk but I'm worried ill cry about our friendship going awry or bring up how much it fucked me over and it'll be awkward. the other message is from this girl who is the daughter of my parents friends from church and its literally like ‘see u at the crem on the 9th? x’ like,,,,, ok lol. didn't reply either. so she sent another one like ‘will be nice to see you x’and I almost came back like ‘Pippa it is not a social occasion we are putting my dad in a big oven’ but I didn't because a. thats mean and b. she is autistic and probably doesn't realise how odd her messages sound so it would be extra mean. Its still surreal though, the whole thing is

my mum seems to think I should be involved with every step of funeral arrangements and every time she says something like ‘do you think we should have song a or song b’ I have to resist so strongly the urge to go ‘Im sorry but I don't.. have an opinion’ apparently, my brother is heavily involved in all this and really keen to help, so I have to wonder why bother me with every little thing when you must know that I'm not interested, or find it hard to care. its almost offensive the way she projects emotions onto me, going ‘I felt I was too young to lose my dad at 49,, and you're only 24..,, so you definitely are’ like?? if you say so?? thats really not how I feel at all. I have been consciously trying to be independent from my father for some time and if anything this completes it but,,, whatever makes you feel better I guess.

How I feel in reality is just like, alien. I feel as though everybody thinks differently to me. All of this sadness is just happening around me and I can’t relate at all. in fact when other people aren't making me stressed with their raw emotion I feel basically the calmest I have in ages. I feel quite freed by it secretly, but I could never say that anywhere because it sounds so callous. I keep thinking, I can go anywhere now,, I can do anything, and he can't have an opinion on how I look or behave because he's dead! its a strange kind of power, and thats sad, but when you set yourself up as a big scary boss then theres always going to be a weird sense of victory for the people you made small when you eventually shuffle off, and thats what he did. He Did That, not me. 

I should say though that if you're reading this and you also sent me some kind of (normal) condolence message, you haven't done something wrong and I appreciate it for what it is. its very kind of you to care about me enough to do that even if we don't talk normally. I would never say like ‘don't send me that’ because its a good and considerate thing to do, I just mean to say that this isn't a normal ‘my beloved parent died’ scenario so like don't sweat it if you haven't lmao. I wish lowkey that I could conjure up emotions other than relief, but I can’t. My attitude at the moment is basically to just give away as little as possible when asked to perform grief, and hope that people read it as me bottling everything up and not straight up lack of. 

I think in summary the issue then is this: my Millennial Need to be Real and Exposed all the time is in direct competition with my situational defence mechanism of being Respectful and Compliant for the moment, causing me like the absolute most anxiety of me life and making me question everything that I feel or don’t. Saying nothing ends up being the only socially acceptable solution, but it is not satisfying for me. It may under close inspection not even be satisfying for others (my mum, brother, extended family and family friends) but its the best I can do and I’m hoping that they get that somehow, cos if anybody even faintly challenges me on it at the funeral or around there (do you even care blah blah) I'm probably going to explode lmao. Thats my concern. It is just so hard to not be Mental omfg for the first time ever I feel like I’m concentrating so hard on appearing normal that I threaten to come out the other side u get me

[portrayedby]

The Last Two Years and M*tski

Tw mitski

Tw lonely f*g ramblings

Tw #reflections

Okay first off idk how to make a read more on mobile...Second I need to VENT!!! So i have a lot of complicated feelings about mitski tbh like :

1. she’s sent my soul into an inescapable downward spiral of hellish proportions over the last two years but I digress...

2. She often mentions Kuala Lumpur in interviews and how she went to high school here for 3 years and it’s like i wanna feel a sense of kinship with her because we had our adolescences in the same place but at the same time I feel this intense misplaced sense of jealousy towards her because she had US citizenship all the while and got to move to New York to pursue her dreams and me and my third world ass literally could never...like we’re similar but wildly different, but also her songs feel like she’s speaking about me directly? idk I’ve always had “”white”” interests and couldn’t relate to my peers so listening to her talk and sing feels like a psychic attack on my soul and my brand LOL because her music deals heavily with topics like that

3. Puberty 2 like caught me completely off guard before I started med school. I had never even heard of her at that point in time, and I had just lost my grandfather (whom I’d been taking care of for 5 years and I feel like he was the only person who would be actually happy to see me)...and I was already going through a really bad mental health period in 2016 so his death made things in my life explode in a pretty terrible way. My mother was super super close to him but she was overseas at the time so she couldn’t bury him...and that made her have like this yearlong bout of religious grandiosity and she took all crazy out on me because I’m closest to her among my siblings. And i guess I didn’t realise how much it was to deal with at the time (God was like: i know you’re starting med school but you need to deal with your mom’s mental illness in addition to yours...also you’ll develop 50000 unrequited crushes on guys at the same time because you haven’t spoken to a man in a year you homo NEET...). Starting med school rly did feel like going through puberty all over again I wish there was a less corny way to say that but it DID okay

4. Listening to that album amidst all that emotional turmoil (which in retrospect I shouldn’t have done) made me realise that I never got to like have a real proper adolescence because I never got to come out properly on my own terms, or even have any kind of sexual or romantic experience with someone else for that matter because I’m just really terrified of all that. Also it’s illegal to be a faggot here so there’s that. And even now I’m kind of just flailing about/stalling with regards to my personal growth/career+academic path because I’m in the midst of an identity crisis because I’m realising that becoming a doctor would feel like crumpling my soul and stuffing it into a box (tho i guess that isn’t unique to medicine #fuckcapitalism right) and I desperately want to find a way to express myself musically/artistically because I used to in the past but I had to give it up to please my family... fuck REPRESSION!!!

5. In high school I literally put myself on hold and was pretending like every single day of my life (but also...who wasn’t) and that obviously burnt me tf out so by the time I graduated I didn’t who tf I was or what I wanted to do. From then till now I’ve felt like I’ve been in a fog blindly groping around desperately trying to find myself lol....It was only until like this year where I’ve started to feel almost sure of myself in my own small way, which is why I’m taking a gap year so I can really just deal i guess! I know it’s been like literally half a decade and I should be over this but I literally can’t LOL! So that album unearthed a lot of old feelings about my own experiences and my lifelong obsession with getting to grow up in the US which is a stupid dream but also I’m a stupid bitch so...

6. Kind of unrelated my sister who is basically a cis and less crazy version of me got married last year and moved to London to be a doctor and get her masters and it literally felt like I got my hands chopped off because a) I’m stuck here with my parents where I can’t be myself in many many ways b) I’m being forced to accept some random man into my life that I barely know!!! {how do other ppl deal when their siblings get married i have no clue}, and my younger brother who is a fellow f*g left soon after too so I’m double all alone now but again I digress...

7. Finally (!) Seeing miss miyawaki gain this crazy cuckoo gigantic level of acclaim and popularity is making me feel so strange because I’ve slowly and unwittingly integrated her music as part of my identity over the past 2 years but that’s my fault like who asked me to do all that!! Then again I guess a lot of ppl feel this way when something they like gets big wtv I’ll get over it I hope. Also I wonder what it’s like for her too tbh having random ppl like me live their whole life stories through her art...

Anyway idk why but I’ve never felt this way and this intensely for this long about an artist in my life and I’m lowkey starting to resent her in a weird complicated way and that’s really sad to me...Anyway #2 I like 1000% need to go to therapy and need to stop comparing myself to other people especially my idols + projecting my faggy problems onto them 😔❣️(and i really need to stop living in the past but it’s hard) Anyway #3 I wish I could transition too but I feel like I’m a very long way from that

[livingasaghost]

alright folks. settle in. this is the story of how i met taylor swift after waiting 10 years. whew.

i don’t honestly know how to start this bc i never thought i’d make this text post. 

so it all started on tuesday night. i was reading and scrolling my phone as one does, and then i get a text from hailee aka @ootwoodsyet aka my twin.

taylornation sent her a dm and both of us FREAKED OUT. we were cautiously optimistic but i think both of us were like OKAY THIS IS IT! THIS IS WHAT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR! EVERYONE STAY CALM IT’S ACTUALLY HAPPENING! so anyway, obviously hailee is the best person in the universe and replied putting my name in as her plus one and then we just texted each other non-stop for like two hours straight. tn replied to her email and asked for our social media handles, my full name, and our birthdays. we could hardly sleep that night, so when we woke up early the next morning we texted each other still freaking out. finally TN emailed back and was like OKAY YOU TWO ARE ON THE GUEST LIST! HAILEE LITERALLY FACETIMED ME FROM HER CAR AND WE BOTH LOST IT. at that point we immediately started making plans bc the next day thursday was the event in chicago. we had no idea when or where it was happening, but we knew we were going to be there. so we started prepping. i had to cancel on a client photoshoot (oops...but i’m not sorry) and uh hailee may or may not have had food poisoning that morning......so i went to platos closet and bought a new dress (velvet, blue, and PERFECT) and then i packed up a bag bc i was gonna go straight from my parents’ house to louisville on saturday for the rep show (wtf). neither of us slept very well wednesday night, and then AND THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE WEIRDEST BEST DAY OF LIVES.

thursday june 28, 2018 --

i woke up at 7:15 and drove like 8 hours north from nashville to chicago. there was actually a decent amount of traffic that day but at one point i had to take a detour because there was a crash on i65. so on this random detour in southern indiana, a little ways outside of louisville, i was blasting better than revenge and i look to my left and I SAW TAYLORS FACE ON A TRUCK AND I SCREAMED BECAUSE THE REP TOUR BUSES WERE JUST SITTING IN THIS RANDOM LOT

I THOUGHT IT HAD TO BE A SIGN AND UH I GUESS I WAS RIGHT???? i also passed a place called “swifty farms” (what) and of course i drove through taylorsville so um needless to say....it was all meant to be

i eventually made it to chicago at 5:30pm and i picked up hailee from the train station. we flipped bc we literally did this exact same thing less than a month about for the 2nd chicago show and HERE WE WERE AGAIN FOR THE SAME WOMAN soooo we made our way to the first location that TN said to meet at by 7pm. we pulled up at like 6:15 and the parking lot was full but they already had a line of people. after finding a nearby garage to park in, we literally RAN across the way to get in line (it was like 10 minutes and we were so sweaty wow) and then we were in line and we had to go through two different security sections - each one asked for our names and ids. then at the second checkpoint they gave us wristbands based on our ages (i’m over 21) and eventually we went off to give them our phones and bags and stuff. then we were directed onto a greyhound bus and when we got on we legitimately became the most obnoxious people i’ve ever known in my entire life.

when we got on they were playing reputation (duh) and RFI was on so we literally listened through the album one whole time and it was WILD. we didn’t have our phones so we were just freaking out about twitter. we spent the whole time singing along and being totally in awe. the whole bus did 123 LETS GO BITCH during delicate, and thennn during getaway car when she goes SAID GOODBYE IN A GETAWAY CAR the bus MOVED AND WE LEFT TO GO TO THE SECONDARY LOCATION (john mulaney???)

so we drove until new years day came on and then we pulled into this random alley. before we could get up, this CAMERA crew showed up and went to the back of the bus to film us. they told us to be excited so we WERE?? and then we got off and went inside this random venue. hailee and i gripped each other’s hands so hard and then we went down this tunnel with mirrors & screens & then i almost broke down into tears bc it was all so overwhelming. they had so many professional photographers asking to take our photos and then the taylor people were handing out raffle tickets telling us to do stuff. it was like this weird underground area that had these gorgeous industrial bathrooms (with so many toiletries like oil sheets & dry shampoo & tampons & gum & hair ties) and there were arcade games and an led dance floor that lit up with hearts where you stood and there was a skee ball thing where we STOOD ON IT AND GOT OUR PHOTO TAKEN and they had claw machines with merch inside and these HUGE photobooth backdrops (BIG REPUTATION + taylors face + a huge snake) and basically you had to do stuff to get tickets and then you could use the tickets to get free merch! we didnt catch on quick enough though so we didn’t get anything more exciting than a water bottle & a tote (which were still so cool)

so anyway, we did some stuff, got a BIG REPUTATION non-alcoholic drink that was like soda water + blackberry syrup + a lime and it was just okay haha and as we went over to try and get our free merch we heard a THATS TAYLOR SWIFT scream from across the room and basically RAN to see what was happening. and that’s when this wall opened up and uh WE WALKED INTO A CONCERT VENUE AND LOST ALL CHILL

IT WAS SUCH A SMALL VENUE HAILEE AND I WERE IN THE BACK ROW BUT LITERALLY WE SPENT 10 MINUTES HYPERVENTILATING AND SCREAMING AT EACH OTHER!!! there were cameras everywhere, and it was so industrial but there was PIANO + THE SPARKLY GUITAR + THE KOI GUITAR?????? AND HER BLACK GUITAR WITH THE STARS ON THE FRETS!! so we hung out for a while in taylor limbo and felt like we were gonna combust and then AND THEN THE NIGHT KICKED INTO HIGH GEAR AND I SWEAR HAILEE AND I BOTH JUST BLACKED OUT 

THE LIGHTS WENT OUT AND TAYLOR JUST FREAKING WALKED OUT ON STAGE AND I ALMOST BURST INTO TEARS SHE WASN’T REAL BUT SHE WAS RIGHT THERE AND I WANTED TO EXPLODE anyway she wore a green jumpsuit with a huge belt and some cute high heeled booties and uh she was her usual cute self being like HI GUYS WHATS UP there were like 200 people there and i couldn’t get over that!!! this was her smallest show in like 10 years???? AND I WAS THERE??? uh but yeah so she did 6 songs - gorgeous + delicate on guitar, all too well + new years day on piano, and shake it off on guitar. here are some highlights from that set...

the whole crowd did *DING* during gorgeous and 123 LET’S GO BITCH during delicate

taylor said that they were trying to decide if they needed backing vocalists and she decided not to and it turned out they didnt need them because we sung literally ALL the backing parts - like the high pitched “delicate” - we did that

she didnt even finish the last delicate bc we sang it so loud and she just laughed

she was so so SOOOOO comfortable with us like i have never seen her so candid and chill and relaxed?? like she was smiling and giggling and she made mistakes and didn’t even care and it was so CUTE I CANT STAND IT

at the piano she was like “oooh sorry i didnt get to sound check hang on lemme figure this out”

when she sat at the piano she was like “wow my hair’s so long” and how she thought about cutting it for these upcoming florida shows since it’s so hot and then the crowd was like OMG CUT IT or OMG DONT CUT IT and our section was like CUT ITTTT and she looked directly at us and was like mmmmm “you guys dont want it....” and wow i think she looked at me then wowowow

she explained that for all too well it was such an emotional song and she used to hate playing it bc it made her so sad but bc we love it so much now she loves playing it bc it makes her think of us and she was freaking SMILING DURING THIS WHOLE PERFORMANCE!! like the last time i saw her perform it live in my presence was 5 years ago at the red tour in chicago and she was crying but during this time she was LAUGHING AND SMILING

someone sang all to welllllll really terribly and off key and the whole audience fell silent and taylor just looked at that person and laughed and we all lost it

then she talked about writing reputation and how it was so cathartic for her and like she came up with the “there will be no explanation there will just be reputation” rhyme and it was so cool that now she has to stick to it and not give interviews so she was excited to explain to us more about the album

AND THEN she told this story about how 2 new years ago she was celebrating and just like realizing that everyone just wants to kiss someone at midnight but you really need someone to look after you while you’re popping advils the next day 

she played new years day and we were all so emo wow

so then she gets up to get her guitar and we’re all like PLAY THE SPARKLY GUITAR!!!! and she looked so dismayed she was like “guys it’s just a prop it isn’t tuned” and we were so sad we were like TUNE IT!!! and she’s like NO I CANT

so thennnn she’s like “okay so i have one more song” and we were all like “PLAY MORE PLAY MORE” and she said “well, i could play you three more songs ORRRR we could take pictures...” and wow everyone died it was wild 

she played shake it off acoustic and im not okay

then she explained what was gonna happen next and she was like FIRST OF ALL i cant really talk to you since i’m touring i need to save my voice and i’m not supposed to talk and second, we’re doing it in groups of four so make friends bc you’ll get photos in groups of four! 

then as she finished she was like “uh i guess i’ll just go back here? no one really told me what was happening or what to do so...ILL SEE YOU SOON!!!”

as we walked out i saw a girl hugging her friend and crying. relatable. so hailee and i waited for our blue color to be called and went to claim our free merch. after we freshened up, we were waiting and this girl offered us poptarts and we both looked at each other and were like “omg poptarts” soooo then we got at the end of the line for the M&G. we were freaking out and we didn’t know what we’re gonna say and it was so surreal. like, we were gonna meet taylor swift. TAYLOR SWIFT! FUCK

so we’re waiting. and then these staff people come over and ask how many we have in our party (we say 2) and immediately they’re like...i think we have 2 openings over here hang on. so they deliberate, and then we’re being motioned to the FRONT OF THE LINE and we skip like 50 people and OUR HEARTBEATS TOOK OFF! WE WERE NOT ALL THERE! WE EXPLODED! WE WERE SO UNPREPARED TO JUMP THAT LINE BUT WOW WE WERE REALLY OUT THERE GETTING READY TO MEET TAYLOR.

we then were ushered upstairs and they lead us over a little bridge that was above the concert venue. eventually we made it past another security checkpoint and got to this fabric walled hallway where we glimpsed MAMA SWIFT and we almost lost it.

as we approached the very front of the line, TREE PAINE SHOWED UP and was just so sweet and nice and bubbly and we immediately decided to stan her. she was like “wow this is such a beautiful group of people you all look fantastic!” and we were like WOW ITS TREE PAINE and so then THEN ANDREA CAME BACK OUT AND WAS LIKE HELLO WOW YOU ALL LOOK SO BEAUTIFUL!!! and i shook her hand and told her it was honor to meet her and she was so so happy

(this whole time dont blame me and delicate was playing in the background)

((at one point tree was trying to figure out what was playing and i was like ITS DELICATE and she was like OH YEAH YOU’RE RIGHT))

sooooooo ummmmmm then security was ushering us around the corner and into this back area and TAYLOR SWIFT WAS RIGHT THERE??????? hailee and i were GRIPPING each others hands and i almost broke down into tears but hailee was like NO YOUR MAKE UP DONT DO IT YET NOT YET HOLD IT TOGETHER

and taylor (that sneaky bitch i love her) saw us together and basically took a photo with the other 2 people in our group and THEN came over to us to do us separately (!!!) ((apparently according to hailee the at&t lady running the thing was like “what is happening” but it’s taylor swift so she can do anything) so she walked over to us and we kept our cool somehow and i was like “WE WAITED 10 YEARS FOR THIS” and she high fived me and was like “WE DID IT!!” and i told her i drove 8 hours from nashville and she was baffled about how far that was. hailee thanked her for making her more courageous and resilient and we thanked her for the pride speech in chicago and she was so excited we went to the rain show. then i thanked her for writing “invisible” and she looked at me like OH WOW IM SHOCKED she was like “wow no one ever talks about that song thank you!” and i told her it made me feel seen and she was just so so kind and warm and did i mention she hugged us? and she’s kinda tall but she felt like our height and she felt like our best friend? ummm yeah so then the at&t people were like PICTURE and we went over and hailee and i both blacked out like we don’t remember what the background looked like??? i assume it’s the same as it always is but we didn’t notice lol um yeah so i remember smiling for the photo and i LEANED MY HEAD AGAINST TAYLORS???!?!? and then as we were finishing i was like IM GOING TO LOUISVILLE ON SATURDAY!!! and she was like “wow im so excited! i cant wait to be back on tour! i always hate the breaks in between!” and then i was like “CAN YOU PLAY SOMETHING FROM SPEAK NOW” and she was like “oh maybe” but she looked so disinterested i was thinking TAYLOR COME ON ITS SPEAK NOW and then i said i love you and she said i love you i think and then we got out and wowowowowowow

tree paine was there again and we were like OMG THAKN YOU CAN WE HUG YOU and she was so sweet like YES OF COURSE!!!! (um @tree-paine you are literally the kindest i would die for you) anyway hailee had a letter for taylor and she asked tree if someone could give it to her and tree was like i’ll put it in my back pocket!! and then we left and we kept thanking people as we walked out and that is the story of the greatest night of my life.

thank you to at&t and to hailee and to @taylornation and of course to @taylorswift wowowow i never thought this would happen to me and it did IT REALLY DID WOW

[parallel5ths]

Buffy paper!

I had to write a paper for my English class and wrote this in about 12 hours. It's definitely a little haywire, but a good starting point for expanding on the universe. 

Buffy the Vampire Slayer has become a cult classic since it’s premier in 1997. After it’s unsuccessful predecessor by the same moniker, no one would have imagined it would explode to the icon it is today. Buffy Summers, introduced as a high school sophomore, has a destiny and that is to be the Vampire Slayer. Each generation, there is only one Slayer who is chosen in her teenage years. Buffy’s path from high schooler to adult is an obvious one in age, but less obvious in other ways. This series is widely appreciated for its exemplars on serious issues such as depression, addiction, and death. Through these outlined examples, the mystical are used to illustrate the complex problems faced by ordinary people throughout their lives creating a series that is entertaining, serious, and relatable.

Buffy seamlessly interweaved the real world with the mystical to find a unique way to tell a story. This gave it a unique following due to the numerous subjects it tackled. “Buffy used the monsters that crossed into the human world through the Hellmouth as a metaphor for the horrors of high school, which in turn were a metaphor for the horrors of life in general” (Genzlinger 2017). Season Five is a great example of this. This season finds a way to weave interpersonal family dynamics with an otherwise outrageous storyline. While Buffy navigates a romantic relationship as well as being a big sister to a whiny teenager, she also must find balance in her role as the Slayer. One moment of distraction is all that is needed for someone to get the upper hand, a point which she is very familiar with after her brief death in the first season. As if all of that wasn’t enough, her mother then falls ill. Buffy had been surrounded by the reality of death for years now, but there is something vulnerable about it being your mother.

In a show usually filled with comedy to offset the seriousness, the episodes about Joyce Summers had a very different feel to them. The music is either very quiet or completely absent, only making the backdrop starker. In the hospital scene where it is revealed Joyce has a brain tumor, we are met with a close-up of Buffy’s face as the color drains and the sound falls away. Dr. Michael Bryant, who uses this scene in his medical classes comments “Patients’ minds often fixate onto the most serious condition possible, once told they have a brain tumour. Any other words become white noise and static, and float past on empty currents of dead air.” This portrayal of that heartbeat in your head feeling when confronted with news you cannot comprehend is relatable.

Episodes pass, and we are lulled into a false sense of security. Up to this point, we have lost characters but none this close to the main group. As I Was Made to Love You ends, you see Buffy arrive home, putting her jacket down and calling for her mom as the audience sees a blurry background behind. She turns, pulling this into focus as we see Joyce laying lifeless on the couch. Buffy calls her again, hoping for her to wake but the reality starts setting in. Her voice softening, she says “Mommy?”, a departure from the “mom” directly before as the screen cuts to black. Amidst the monsters and boogeymen of Sunnydale, they found the monsters we really face every day.

Throughout the season, Buffy is seen becoming unsure of her roles as parent, sister, and Slayer as they start to conflict. The episode Intervention begins to show Buffy’s depression and detachment forming. Buffy goes on a vision quest to find answers about her role while the Buffybot fools the rest of the Scooby Gang into thinking she’s the real deal. This is the first stark difference between the Buffy from season one and who she has become now. “The relentlessly cheery Buffybot functions as an idealized version of the Slayer, restoring something of the human Buffy’s youthful chirpiness and being used as an emotional substitute by Dawn who actually lies down on the bed next to her as if she were the real thing” (James 147). With a few exceptions, the Buffybot is able to take Buffy’s place in all roles of her life while also being more likable to her friends and family.  Buffy’s resurrection at the beginning of the penultimate season is the final nail in the coffin before Buffy’s depression is shown in the foreground.

At the end of After Life, the audience gets the moment they have been waiting for. Buffy has her heart-to-heart with Dawn, thanks her friends for saving her from a hell dimension and there’s a group hug. She walks out the back door into the sun which is almost too bright, a reference to Buffy’s time in the afterlife. The speech that follows is one any Buffy fan will remember vividly. After Buffy’s sacrifice to save her family and the world, she was rewarded with Heaven. She was finally happy, loved and at peace. She was ripped away from perfection by the people in her life who love her most and they can never know. Knowing what she lost was already weighing on her as she mentions how everything on Earth is “hard and bright and violent” (“After Life” (41:42-41:47). As the tragic hero figure she is, the episode ends with her emphasizing that no one can know what she has shared.

Through the next few episodes, we see Buffy once again struggle with where she fits in. Buffy’s “rebirth” symbolizes her official birth in adulthood in many ways. The rest of the Scooby Gang has established their lives while she was gone. Everyone is in committed relationships, they have jobs or are in school and she is just the Slayer. Her new “enemies” in this season even comment that she is unfocused while jumping job to job. She is stuck in two roles she didn’t choose, despite the name “Chosen One”. It’s at this point she starts spending more time with Spike, the only one who seems to see her pain and understand how she feels. He understands more about the supernatural side of her that no one else can relate to. In Once More with Feeling, the musical episode, there is no disguising Buffy’s pain. Through the various songs she features in, she describes going through the motions and being unable to feel anything. Buffy’s secret is laid bare to the rest of the gang, forced to reveal she was in Heaven. Finally, she tells Sweets, the demon orchestrating these catchy numbers, to “give me something to sing about. Please, give me something” (43:48-44:00). Her depression has progressed to the point where she doesn’t feel like she has anything left. She immediately starts dancing, eventually spinning in circles progressively faster until she appears to start burning. An assisted suicide attempt in front of everyone she loves. Yet, Spike is the one who jumps in to save her, from the fires of Hell it seems, by telling her she has to keep on living. The episode ends on Buffy “getting the fire back” and kissing Spike, the beginning to a complex relationship between Buffy’s human and supernatural side.

Although the rest of the season primarily focuses on Willow and her addiction to magic, Buffy is still fighting her battles throughout. She takes a minimum wage food service job to make money since she is now the sole provider and has no qualifications she could put on a resume. Dawn starts acting out by stealing and sneaking out with boys, a cry for help and attention. Buffy is drowning too deep in all her own roles conflicting while also battling the lack of desire to do so to notice what is happening. In rapid fire, Buffy finds out about Dawn stealing, her ex-boyfriend shows up with a wife and Xander abandons Anya at the altar. Everything is completely in flux, but it is always her responsibility to hold everyone and everything together.

With Buffy as her most confused and detached, her best friend needs her the absolute most. Once again, things start getting back to normal when Tara is suddenly shot and killed. With Buffy also in critical condition, Willow no longer has the desire or ability to hold back her rage. From the beginning of the show, Buffy has many moments of powerlessness, but this time is different. Willow is stronger, faster and has nothing left to live for. This is also the ultimate betrayal to Buffy. Willow was her first friend when she came to Sunnydale and has been there through everything. Not only has Willow killed a human but has tried to kill Buffy’s sister and father figure. In Willow’s effort to kill her pain by giving further into her magic addiction by literally absorbing it from Giles, she can feel everyone’s emotions at once. A throwback to the third season when Buffy hears everyone’s thoughts after she’s infected by demon blood, we see how differently they deal with their depression.

As the season starts to come to an end, Buffy and Willow’s storylines diverge. Having handled their problems differently, it makes sense their paths parted, and they end them separately. Buffy and Dawn become trapped together in the Earth by Willow’s hand, in a similar way that she was forced to dig her way out earlier. The Summers sisters are forced to finally face each other and talk. Buffy comes to terms with the fact that Dawn is also becoming an adult like she did and shielding her isn’t the same as protecting her. Willow’s solution to the pain in the world, hers included, is to end the world. A departure from previous seasons, Willow cannot be defeated by magic or strength. Xander, the final piece of the trio and Willow’s friend from childhood, talks to her and reminds her of who she is. As Dawn and Buffy fight a parade of demons off side by side, Xander refuses to leave Willow’s side. Despite the threat of death and being pushed away, he continues to tell her he loves her after each lashing. Her power fades as she starts to feel again, crumbling to tears as the weight of all the pain and loss hits her. “When Willow took the power from Giles, she exulted in feeling ‘connected to everything’. But that connection was false, and it led Willow to try to end the world. Buffy found the true connection in her inner humanity” (Field 540). When the scene switches to Buffy, she breaks down in happy tears, happy she has time to fix everything she has neglected. Standing with her as they were both faced with death opened her eyes to how much she had been ignoring.

Although many viewers were understandably upset with the finale, it was important to the overall arc of Buffy Summers’ growth. As opposed to their usual triumphant ending where they beat the bad guy, their denial, pain, and grief were killing them instead. At some point, these feelings needed to explode in order to resolve. From these examples, we see two women who have gone down the same path but react differently to it. Having flawed characters who fight their demons, physically and metaphorically, in an unperfect way is important for young people and older alike. Showing vulnerability in a female character while also keeping her strong is a tough feat few writers have achieved. Buffy the Vampire Slayer does it time and time again. It is no surprise to the fanbase that there is a new show coming out. Into every generation, a Slayer is born, and this generation needs one to look up to too.

[damnjooon]

Don't reject me|1

Genre: Fluff|Angst- ManagerAu

Word count: 2281

Part: 1

Time had really flashed past you like the movie marathons you proudly took part of when you weren't fulled with layered schedules. It felt like just yesterday, you had just landed in a foreign country where you would spend most your youth in, South Korea.

Lately, you've been brutally busy with work. Bighit, the company you worked at, was gaining more attention and success, well the group that is under BigHit, BTS. You were lucky enough to be a manager for the seven members. But due to risk of starting rumors, your employment was kept undercover, people mistaking you as a make up artist (though you weren't so good). 

You were excited for the upcoming months, Bang Pd announced that there would be another world tour two months ago, and the day had finally arrived. You were prepping for transportation and where the boys would be accommodated at in the multiple countries that you would also adventure through. You finished earlier than expected so you packed all the necessary equipment that is vital for traveling: monthly protection, your laptop, various types of clothing and your nikon d3400 camera. You fell asleep really early, as it was your turn to drive the members to the airport.

9:15PM BANG P.D: Just a reminder that it is your responsibility to pick up the members. They depart at 10:00AM. If possible, could you be at the airport by 7:50? Our last flight was delayed due to paparazzi.

9:16PM Y/n: Of course. Ill make sure they get there safely as well. Sejin, Hyunsoo, Hobeom, Jigaemae and I have it all undercover. Don't worry too much.

9:17PM Bang P.D: Thank you y/n. Enjoy yourself for me yes? Once you return, you'll wish you would've...

9:17PM Y/n: :) I will, thank you Bang P.D enjoy your free time as well...

You slept peacefully in your studio apartment. Though you were still, you felt that you could explode, overwhelmed by the events that would take place. Imagining all the famous landmarks and traditional foods you would experience, you dozed off to La la land...

The song, 'Fireflies' by Owl City (a childhood song) greeted you awake. It was currently 3:00AM and it took you an hour to drive to work then pick up the boys. You only had an hour to reorganize yourself so that you would arrive at the airport on time. As much time as it sounded like, you were still in a hurry, fearing you would disappoint your boss. You threw your luggage inside your car, remembering to grab everything, then dashed to the building to transfer cars in order to pick up the boys.

As expected, you were at the members apartment 1 hour earlier than you intended. You rang Jin knowing he would be awake. After two rings the call was answered...

Y/n: "Hey Jin, are the others all up?"

Jin: "No, "Hi Jin did you sleep well?""

Y/n: "Ohh gosh I am sorry my lord, did thy lord sleep peacefully?"

Jin: "Yess~ I did"

Y/n: "You're such a dork... Are they?"

Jin: "Yeah we're all awake, Jungkook woke us up. Are you here yet?"

Y/n: "Wow Jungkook did? And yeah"

Jin: "Cause it's you (mumbling), I mean were on our way"

Y/n: "K see you then, peace out~"

It didn't take them long to arrive at the car. You exchanged greetings with each and every member but Jungkook. He shrugged your greetings away merely giving any attention. Jungkook gave you mixed emotions, as if he was still a stuck up teen. Somedays he can be very bubbly and cheeky, enjoyable to be around with (though you both didn't talk to each other much). Somedays he would be overly bitchy, his famous stone cold eyes plastered onto his face. Unfortunately, it was one of "those" days.

Y/n: "We're pretty early and I didn't eat breakfast, down for some burgers?"- eyes observing the empty roads.

HS: "Who the hell eats burgers for breakfast?"

Y/n: "Me, unless you have a healthier decision"

NJ: "Let's just go to a Café"

Y/n: "Fine~ what you all want"

TH: "Hot chocolate please"

JM: "Iced Green tea"

HS: "Coffe for me, large i didn't get much sleep. Hixtape..."

YG: "Americano"

NJ: "Yeah me too"

Jin: "mmm I want juice"

Y/n: "Guys i aint gonna remember anything just text me it, im driving here."

You looked for the closest Café in sight, finding one a few stores down the road. As concentrated as you were, you felt a set of eyes burning behind your head. You knew it was Jungkook. Jungkook stop looking at me. Moments later you parked up the car and headed into the Café to order what they desired to snack on whilst also buying you something to eat. You returned to the van, passing out the drinks to all the members.

Y/n: "Man the lady was giving me hella attitude. She was like "Is that just for you, it seems like too much". Even if it was mine, why would it matter to her, I'm the one that pays for her pay check".

After taking small nibbles from your sandwich, you continued your destination towards the airport. Traffic was slowly building up, so you took the shortest route possible. Out of pure instinct, you looked up at the rear mirror, there he was again. Jungkook's eyes dark and mysteriously scrutinized on your eyes. As tempting as he looked, you couldn't help but feel uncomfortable. Stop looking at me! It was as if you said those words aloud because all the members were looking at you, than back to Jungkook in a rather awkward and confused expression.

After 45 minutes you parked up the van in it's designated location, a smile across your simple features. Remembering that you were a girl, you slipped your phone out of your pocket dialling Sejin's number into your phone.

Y/n: "Hey Sejin, I'm here."

SJ: "You are? Wow your early it's only 7. Im gonna be running a little late... Girlfriend, but I'll text Jigaemae, he'll escort them inside."

Y/n: "Hah I can't relate. How long will he take?"

SJ : "mmm approximately half an hour?? 40 minutes no later."

Y/n: "Then what do I do?... Gosh, sometimes I wish I was a man so I could just walk with them casually."

SJ: "Yeah, sadly it will cause false rumors. I have no clue just, I don't know make sure they have everything I guess?"

Y/n: "For 30 minutes?"

SJ: "Just do something... I have to go, see you there."

Y/n: "Suppose so, catch ya later".

You hung the phone up and banged your head against the head rest out of irritation and boredom. The vibration of your phone grabbed your attention which you opened, surprised by a notification by Jungkook.

7:16AM Jungkook: Why are you banging your head like that...

7:16AM Y/n: U do realize were in the same car, breathing the same air...

7:17AM Jungkook: It's more private.

You left him on read as Jigaemae also sent you a message.

7:18AM Jigsaw: Why me?? Out of all the manager's. Sejin chooses me. Does he know how small I am!?! ILL GET CRUSHED

You sniggered at his cry for help, grabbing Jungkooks attention

7:19AM y/n: Too bad :p Im a girl. I can just imagine you getting squeezed between the paparazzi and a bodyguard. How fascinating ㅎㅎㅎㅎ

7:19AM Jigsaw: Im on my wayy ㅠㅠ By the time we get in the plane. Im gonna b in pieces.

7:19AM y/n: Hey at least we r travelling!! Plus we get paid too so win win!

7:20AM Jigsaw: For u! U can just walk in without a mob tackling ㅠㅡㅠ u!! Wish me luck, im gonna need it

7:20AM y/n: 후후후후 화이팅 Good luck shorty!

You locked the screen, satisfied with both the conversation and the reoccurring thought of Jigaemae crammed between a bodyguard and a metal pole. Jungkook however, was completely the opposite to how you felt. He oozed Jealousy and bleeded rage, he hated that anything he did never caught your attention. He wanted you, he didn't want the thousands and hundreds of girls that loved and worshiped him, or the most prettiest, smartest, open-minded women on earth, he wanted you. Honestly, you didn't have any features that made you stand out from the crowd, but to him you glowed everything he couldn't find in other people.

You asked the members if they had everything and if they wanted anything from the airport before you went.

Jk: "Can I come with you, please?"

Y/n: "I would say yes Jungkook but its too risky of a move".

Jk: "I have my mask?"

Y/n: "But your build. Every fan knows how well maintained and sculptured it is. Its just too risky".

Nj: "Cut him some slack man y/n. Just let him it'll be more interesting".

Y/n: "Okay~"

You were partially frustrated with Jungkook, he always asked if he could accompany you. Sometimes you just needed air away from work.

Jk: "So who was that you were texting? Boyfriend?"

Y/n: "Jungkook, you know im as lonely as your chilly pepper. Just like youse, I'm too busy working."

Jk: "Haha chilly pepper..."

The weather was cold and wet, it had started to pour, hitting the roads and uncovered pavements. The rain always made you feel at ease, melting your worries and stress with one drop of water.

Jungkook scanned your features, watching you admire the scenery. Why are you so...y/n. He was crazy for you. Whenever you entered the building wearing skirts or business shirts he would imagine himself ripping them off you and pounding into you until you basically scream his name. He couldn't help himself, he was a man after all. He really wished you would show some interest in him or at least reply to his cheesy flirting skills.

You and Jungkook strolled around the airport hoping to kill time. The mini journey was silent, none of you dared to ruin the comfortable atmosphere. As you were on your way back to the van, You spotted Jigaemae and Hyunsoo a few cars before the van.

Y/n: "Jigaemae, Hyunsoo!" - waving your hands, recklessly.

Jg: "Y/n! Jungkook!"

Hy: "Hello."

After exchanging each others presence, you strolled back to the van blabbing about business. From the corner of your eye, Jungkook was bulging his tongue from inside his cheeks, eyes focus on nothing but your small steps.

15 Minutes past, the boys were supervised by both their managers and the bulky thick men, muscles filling in every space between the boys. You couldn't control yourself and chuckle at the scene that unraveled before your eyes: the flashing of lights and bodies touching each and every person thirsty for a glimpse of the kpop sensation. Meeting up with your coworkers, you finalized any trips, hotels and management needed for the upcoming "vacation". Though one of your colleagues were gossiping about another colleague, you heard another discussion take place that interested you more.

Yb: "Someone told me that Jungkook likes someone in the company..."

Lp: "Yeah I heard about it too!" - whispering

Yb: "Who do you think it is? My eyes are on the new intern, she's always coming back with hickey's on her neck these days".

Lp: "I doubt it, I reckon he's into noonas that are dominant, you know?"

Yb: "Who like y/n?"

Your ears flinched with the sound of your name, intrigued that people thought you were 1) that sort of person 2) stimulating enough for a worldwide idol to see you in such light.

Lp: "Exactly yeah, just like her. I've seen the way he looks at her. When she's busy talking to another guy, he does that tongue thing. We all know what that means."

Yb: "Actually I've seen it too. I wish he liked me. I mean she isn't that pretty, I actually look more decent than her, V told me so."

Stop being so full of yourself. He only said you look pretty not better than my sexy body. You thought to yourself. The buzzing of your phone indicated that they were in the waiting room, ready for department. You informed everyone that it was time to go, effortlessly treading towards the room that held the seven members.

Y/n: "Is that everyone? Okay so we are all lucky enough to ride business class due to Bang pdnim so In favor for the big boss, let's enjoy ourselves and work hard as well!"

"YESS!!"

You all entered the airplane pleased that you wouldn't be spending 12 hours with a knot in your neck and sweaty arms colliding into each other. As you were Jungkooks personal manager, you were given the chair closest to the window, next to Jungkook. A big fat bunny grin planted on his face. Jungkook took this opportunity to know you better.

After the plane took off into the air you unbuckled yourself, snatching your camera from your bag. You snapped numerous photos of Seoul, watching the city minimize as the airplane flew higher into the air. Jungkook did not hesitate to appreciate your piquant side profile repetitively reminding himself why he fell for you in the first place. After your satisfied approval to yourself, you placed the camera back into your bag and sat back, letting the sofa chair massage your tense muscles.

Jk: "So, how's life?"

Without realising, your eyelids gradually grew heavier, which you cowardly admitted defeat. Jungkook was head over heels for you, even though you were snoring and drool dripped from your chin he couldn't help but think that one day he would wake up to this you...

Jk: "Hey, I like you. Please don't reject me."

A/N: It is I, the author. I am planning on doing a series for this.. Since it's the holidays nxt week. Ill do regular updates just simply comment if you want me to so I know I'm not doing this for nothing you know?

Like and Follow !!!

[thisaintascenereviews]

Album Review by Bradley Christensen Fall Out Boy – American Beauty / American Psycho Record Label: Island / DCD2 Release Date: January 20 2015

It’s been about three years since Fall Out Boy’s sixth album, American Beauty / American Psycho was released, and this is an album that means absolutely everything to me. I don’t even know where to begin with this one, actually, because there’s a lot that can be said about it. Let me start by saying this, though – there was a time before this LP’s release that I almost didn’t want to listen to it. I wasn’t excited about it. Can you believe that? Yeah, Bradley not being excited for a Fall Out Boy album? That’s blasphemy! Around five years ago, I dated a woman that was very emotionally and mentally abusive to me. She would constantly neglect me, ignore my messages for hours or days at a time, manipulate me into talking to her time again and again, use her mental illnesses as a crutch for the things that she did to me, and make me believe that I didn’t deserve anything better than her. This happened over a period of a couple of years, right around there, anyway. It was on and off, and at the end of everything, I felt like I wasted a lot of time, money, and energy on her. My point is, though, one thing we shared was Fall Out Boy. She loved Fall Out Boy as much as I did. For Christmas in 2014, I actually bought her some Fall Out Boy albums, because I didn’t know if she had the CDs. I was so excited to send her those CDs, but she broke up with me a few days before Christmas, saying that she never loved me, and only dated me again, because she felt bad for me. I was heartbroken. I won’t forget that, and although I’ve moved on from it, it’s something that’s been engrained into my mind. I ended up returning most of it, but for a brief few weeks, I didn’t know if I could listen to Fall Out Boy again. They were my favorite band, but this person hurt me more than anyone ever has (even to this day), so I wasn’t sure if I could listen to them in the same way again. I wasn’t sure if I could even listen to American Beauty / American Psycho, which was coming out in a few weeks. Something happened that changed my mind completely.

It was something I should have done sooner, but one thing that I got for her was a copy of Infinity On High. That’s my favorite album, both in general and by the band, but I got her a deluxe edition of the album. I ended up keeping it, because I needed a new copy. Mine was pretty beat up, and it had a bonus disc of some bonus songs, so I thought, “Why not?” One night, I decided to open it up, and give the album a listen, because I hadn’t listened to it in awhile. Listening to Infinity On High was what I needed to get me out of that funk, because that’s my favorite album. It’s the album that got me into music. Listening to that made me think back to when I first heard it, and how amazed I was by music for the first time in my life. Listening to that album made me realize how stupid it is to let someone ruin a band that’s meant more to me than almost anything or anyone, especially when I tons more memories before that person came into my life. Hell, I met my best friend Jake through that record, as I’ve talked about plenty of times, so there’s another big thing right there. Not only does American Beauty / American Psycho represent moving onto a new chapter in my life, but it represents friendship to me. He and I were dealing with a lot of stuff at that time in our lives, but this LP helped us grow even closer. Here we are, three years later, and we’re able to celebrate the release of their newest LP, M A N I A. I was suddenly excited about this LP, because I could enjoy them again. I’ll be honest, folks, part of why I love this LP is for its meaning and representation. One thing I love about music is that everyone has their own relationship with it, and bands, artists, songs, and albums can mean different things to different people. That doesn’t mean the album isn’t good otherwise, or that I can “turn that off,” per se. I’ll never be able to, but all things considered, I love this LP for the music itself. It’s still my second favorite Fall Out Boy album, because it’s the start of their experimentation, even in their post-hiatus days. 2013’s Save Rock & Roll was an album that proved that Fall Out Boy could make a modern Fall Out Boy album, but this one is something more.

M A N I A, their new album, is their most experimental since Infinity On High, and that’s one reason why I love it, but this one came close. They tried a few different things on this LP, namely with sampling. The two big singles on the album, “Centuries,” and “Uma Thurman,” feature sampling. You don’t hear rock bands using sampling in their own music that often, so I found to be very interesting. The former song takes “Tom’s Diner” by Suzanne Vega, and turns that into their own thing, whereas the latter song takes The Munsters theme song and puts that into their own song, ultimately giving the song its own unique feel. The album still has the same template that Save Rock & Roll did, but it does add some interesting flavors to it. I hate to say this, because this will piss off fans of the first two albums that think those are their only good ones, but Save Rock & Roll and American Beauty / American Psycho has a pattern here. Take This To Your Grave, their 2003 debut LP, was a very generic and cookie cutter pop-punk album that did help to kickstart the early 00s scene, but at its core, it’s pretty bland. With 2005’s From Under The Cork Tree, they injected some pop influence and ideas into their sound. Not quite enough to make people hate it, or think it’s super dramatic, but just enough to notice it, at the very least. That’s how it is here. Save Rock & Roll is an album that’s relatively safe, but it’s still done really, really well, all things considered, but American Beauty / American Psycho adds a bit of unique flavor to that sound. It ups the ante a bit, and that’s one reason I really like it. There are others, though, and it’s mainly because of how confident, slick, and tight knit the band sounds. Everything sounds on point, especially vocalist Patrick Stump, and it’s always amazing how his voice manages to get better with every album. This LP doesn’t do anything super different, at least compared to Save Rock & Roll, but they throw in some new ideas into the mix.

Nonetheless, one thing I love about this band is how they manage to make songs that sound relatively similar, but they still have their own feel to them. They’re still unique, interesting, and different. That’s one thing I don’t get about the detractors of these albums, as well as the new direction the band has taken, because they act like every song sounds the same. They don’t. I don’t understand why people think that. I can listen to “Uma Thurman,” and know it’s a totally different and memorable song, compared to another one of my favorites, “Fourth Of July.” Speaking of that song, I wanted to talk about the lyrics a bit, and I didn’t talk about them much in my review of Save Rock & Roll, but they’ve gotten a lot more mature this time around. Their lyrics were always angsty and whiny at times, but still clever, at the very least, but they feel more mature and adult here. “Fourth Of July” is a good example of that, because it talks about how this relationship exploded before they really had a chance to let it bloom. They weren’t right for each other, so it was best to just let it burn out. That’s exactly how I felt when the album came out, so I could really relate to that song. The rest of the lyrics feel very mature, though, and I like that. Their lyrics have grown with the music. The music itself is very strong, too, and the band is a master with hooks and songwriting. I love this LP, and even after these few years since its release, the album’s only gotten better. The negative reactions and feelings that plagued my opinions of the album before it came out, as well as a bit after (not towards the album itself, or even the band, but the circumstances behind it), are gone. I don’t feel anything negative towards it, and I can just enjoy the album now, which is really cool. This album is still my second favorite, not counting M A N I A, but I’m going to give that album some time before I really cement my thoughts on it. Regardless, my excitement towards this album got even bigger. I’ll always talk about how amazing this LP is, whether it’s for the meaning behind it, and what it represents, or just how awesome it is, period.

[littleoldrachel]

you’ve got a warm heart, you’ve got a beautiful brain [fic]

I wrote something new and a bit different to my usual stuff - my first Ginny/Luna fic!!! Sorry it’s riddled with typos, but I hope y’all still enjoy.

Read it here on ao3 or here on ff.net or under the cut.

you’ve got a warm heart, you’ve got a beautiful brain

Summary: "Christmas is always a difficult time of year for her, no matter how many years in recovery she clocks up."

In which Luna struggles with the festive season, Ginny is the supportive girlfriend we all wish we had, and there's very little actual plot, it's mostly just fluffy and gay.

Tw: eating disorders

Christmas is always a difficult time of year for her, no matter how many years in recovery she clocks up. It’s been a better year than most, but recovery is not linear, she should know this by now. She should know that her demons always come crawling back at the first chords of that Mariah Carey song, that the obsessive focus on food – and not just food, but an excess of food – will trigger her unhealthiest coping mechanisms, that something about holidays seems to give the world permission to comment upon her appearance, and that her brain will somehow twist even the most well-meant compliments against her.

She’s been doing remarkably well so far – a change of medication, a fresh start at CBT, and the endless love and support from the Best Girlfriend in the World mean that she’s managed most of December with only one food-related breakdown.

This week though, it feels like everything’s out to get her – it’s been a crazy work week, commissions coming left, right and centre, and people just not grasping that she can’t create what they’re demanding in a day, no matter how much cash they throw at it. On top of her workload, there’s the added pressure of Christmas shopping – which, by the way, she still hasn’t finished, and she doesn’t know how she’s going to face the crowds, but she has to, else she has to explain to her girlfriend of almost four years why she hasn’t got her a present… And then there’s the million and one little things, that are tugging her in a thousand different directions, stretching her thinner and thinner (which is fucking ironic, considering that she feels like she’s ballooning) – the worry about travelling to her dad’s, the panic at having to spend Christmas Day surrounded by people at the Weasley household, the way that all her coping mechanisms have taken a backseat to carol singing, Christmas baking, pub meets…

It’s a lot.

In fact, it’s so much that there’s a near constant weight buried in her chest, and it’s so heavy and unyielding and like hundreds of tiny wires are slicing in to her lungs, ripping her apart from the inside out, and she can’t – she can’t – she can’t –

She throws her pencil at the sketchpad in frustration, and it bounces off, clattering to the floor somewhere. It’s struck straight through the rough design she’s been working on for the last two hours, but the sketch was useless anyway. She tears it out, scrunches it in to a tight ball, and hurls it to join her pencil.

Luna presses her palms in to her eyes, willing herself not to cry – and failing, because she’s useless, useless, useless. The tears drip down her cheeks, and she knows she’s teetering on the edge of a panic attack – knows that she needs to call someone, or practice one of those breathing techniques, or go for a walk or something that isn’t sitting here and wallowing in it, but she can’t seem to move, everything is so much, she can’t –

The sound of the phone is an unpleasant pull back to reality, and she lets it ring and ring, because having to talk to someone right now suddenly seems like the biggest effort in the world (she can’t). Eventually it reaches the answerphone.

(She and Ginny had recorded a message together – because Ginny had suggested it as a joke – “we can be one of those gross couples” – but Luna knew how much Ginny loved those kind of stupid things, and how much it had meant to her that she’d gone along with it. She can hear the smile in Ginny’s voice as she chirps to ‘leave a message after the beep,’ and the happiness in her own voice makes her feel as though she’s listening to a different person entirely.)

Finally, Molly Weasley’s voice echoes around the room, and Luna squeezes her eyes shut against it.

“Ginny, dear, everybody is getting here for one tomorrow – we probably won’t sit down to eat before three, because you know how Christmas Day is… oh, and Percy had a change of plans – he’s not going to Penny’s anymore, so there’ll be thirty-five or so of us – a full house! It’ll be so lovely to see you again, it’s been too long, and Luna, of course. I do hope she’s not going to be awkward about food this year… Anyway, I look forward to seeing you both tomorrow… Merry Christmas, sweetie.”

Later, Luna will be able to look back on this seemingly innocent phone call, and recognise it as the straw that broke the camel’s back. Later, she will pick apart in therapy exactly what it was that triggered the spiral of self-loathing like concrete in her stomach, the sobbing, shuddering panic attack that lasts and lasts and will not end. Later, this will be an experience that she can look back on, and say I didn’t relapse, I made it, everything is okay.

For now, though – she sits, and cries, and chokes on gasps of air, because she’s “awkward about food” and she knew that she was a burden – she fucking knew it, and everyone who has spent hours convincing her otherwise was fucking wrong, and she hates herself – everything about herself, she’s huge and awful and inconvenient and Too Much –

She’s tugging at her hair – long, stringy, white-blonde, utterly uninteresting like everything else about her – when a hand closes around her wrist and gently untangles it from her fingers.

“Lu? Angel, what happened?”

Ginny is kneeling in front of her – her cheeks are flushed-pink from the nip of the winter wind, her hair a mess from being bundled under her beanie, she looks tired and cold and anxious – but still somehow utterly, devastatingly gorgeous.

“Luna?” Ginny says again, a little more urgently, and Luna reaches out to touch Ginny’s cheek. Ginny cups a hand over Luna’s, holding it in place, and then presses a kiss to her palm. “What’s going on, baby?”

Luna takes a breath – it’s so much easier now that Ginny’s here, but she’s suddenly horribly aware that she’s snotty and streaky with tears. She wipes a sleeve across her face, takes another breath, and draws her knees in tight to her chest.

(A couple of years ago, she would have struggled to articulate this to anyone, let alone to Ginny. A couple of years ago, the thought of someone loving her as fiercely and as passionately as Ginny loves her, would have been completely incomprehensible. A couple of years ago, this would probably have spiralled in to a full-blown relapse. Now, she will stand strong in the knowledge that articulating this will not make Ginny think any less of her, that Ginny loves her, that she will get through this and be okay again).

Ginny loops an arm around her waist, leads Luna to the armchair by the fireplace, and pulls her down in to her lap. Luna curls up against Ginny’s chest, and Ginny presses a gentle kiss to the top of her head, trailing her fingertips soothingly down Luna’s back, like a kitten. Something in Luna’s chest loosens a little, and warmth trickles in to the gap it creates, because this is safe and familiar and comfortable.

“Your mum rang,” she says eventually, and Ginny’s hand stills for a second, before continuing smoothly. “And something she said – it just – I know it sounds silly, it wasn’t even meant like that, but it just struck a nerve, I suppose.”

(One of the things Luna loves most about Ginny is how well she knows her; Ginny knows that Luna doesn’t need her to interrupt her, to tell her that she doesn’t sound silly, that what she needs is to sound things out herself, in order to make sense of her thought processes, because Ginny understands how muddled and muddied they can become sometimes).

When Luna is done explaining that it’s been such a hard week, and how overwhelmed and stretched-thin she’s feeling, and how the message tipped everything over the edge, and now the thought of having to sit down and eat a Christmas dinner is too much, too much, too much –

When she’s finally finished, Ginny presses another kiss to her forehead, and says, “thank you, angel. Do you mind if I listen to the message?”

Luna shakes her head, and shifts to allow Ginny to reach across to the phone. Ginny frowns when she hears Molly’s voice, her confusion growing as the message runs its course. Luna sees rather than hears the moment when Ginny gets it, watches her shoulders tense, her mouth form a grimly thin line, her eyes darken a little. When the message is over, there’s a pause, and Ginny is glaring in to the distance. Luna hesitantly squeezes her hand to bring her back. “Why are you mad?”

Ginny blinks, the anger draining out of her in a breath, and says carefully, “I’m not mad.”

Luna cocks her head. “Annoyed, then?”

“I just – I just wish she’d think. I wish you hadn’t had to hear that – I’m so sorry, baby, that you did hear that, she’s so-“

“It’s okay. I’d rather hear it and know, rather than not know that she feels that way about me and my – my issues.”

“But that’s my point!” Ginny explodes, and then closes her eyes, and inhales deeply. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shout. I just – she has no right – this isn’t just some diet fad, this isn’t you insisting on some weird trendy raw vegan shit, this is a mental illness, and after all this time, she should know fucking better than to treat you like you’re just being – being-“

“Awkward?”

“Yeah.” Ginny hesitates, then says, “you know it’s bullshit, right? You know that you’re not being awkward, you know that you’re not – a burden, or whatever it is you’re thinking, right?”

Luna sighs. “I know that I want to believe that. And that objectively, somewhere deep down, I do know that, but…”

“That doesn’t mean it doesn’t still hurt?”

“Exactly.”

Ginny presses her lips together, and wraps her arms tighter around Luna, who shuffles round so that it’s a proper cuddle. For a while, they sit in an embrace, as the light in the room narrows in to a thin, pinkish strip across the wall, before fading fast in to the growing darkness. The gloom is thick and cool and pressing before either of them speak again, but Luna still feels cocooned in her little bubble in Ginny’s arms.

“Angel, I need to ask some difficult questions about food and tomorrow. And it can wait, but we should talk about it at some point.”

“Now is okay,” Luna says quietly, pressing her ear against Ginny’s chest so that she can hear the comforting thump-thump-thump of her heart.

“Mealtimes. Would it help it we stuck to your meal plan tomorrow, and had lunch at one like usual?”

Luna bites her lip to stop herself from protesting that she doesn’t want to be awkward. “Yes, but, your mum said-“

“Would it help if we stayed in tomorrow? Did our own thing?”

“I-“ Luna is floored by the offer, because she knows what Ginny would be giving up, knows how much Christmas Day with her whole family means to her, and that the thought of seeing her brothers, Harry and Hermione again soon was what got her through her latest Bad Day. “I can’t ask you to do that. You love Christmas Day.”

“I love you more,” Ginny says immediately, pulling her in a little closer.

Tears prick in Luna’s eyes, only this time they aren’t tears of frustration, misery or stress – this time, it’s because Ginny loves her, and sometimes Luna fails to appreciate just how strongly Ginny loves. She loves with everything she has – a protective, adoring, wholehearted kind of love, that overwhelms and shelters and inspires Luna to be kinder, braver, better. It’s the best and purest kind of love that Luna could wish for.

“Maybe, we can go to your mum’s in the evening? When the food part is over?” Luna suggests, because love involves compromise and the thought of Ginny being so sacrificial on Christmas Day makes guilt curdle in her stomach.

“Okay. But it’s okay if that’s too much. Don’t put that kind of pressure on yourself.”

“Okay. I love you,” Luna whispers, and even in an undertone, the words sound big and brave against the darkness.

“I love you too. So, so much.”

It’s another hour or so before they finally move. Ginny lifts Luna with an ease and strength at odds with her smaller stature, and they spend a while poring over Luna’s book of ‘Safe Recipes’ for dinner. They settle on a minestrone soup, and before long, they’re dicing vegetables side by side in the kitchen – courgettes, carrots, onion, garlic, celery. Ginny distracts Luna, whilst the soup bubbles away in the pan, with a long-winded and much-embellished tale about her harrowing experiences last-minute shopping. They take steaming bowls through to the living room, and eat the hot, delicious soup with warm, crusty bread, under the lights of the Christmas tree and in front of an episode of Riverdale – because it’s complete trash, but it’s still gripping enough that it manages to keep Luna’s attention on the plot, and not the liquid she’s spooning in to her mouth.

It’s an evening like any other – they wash and dry up together, scooping bubbles from the washing up bowl, and blowing them at each other’s faces. Luna works the knots out of Ginny’s shoulders, and in return she massages Luna’s feet and hands, and they end up cuddled together under a blanket on the sofa, communicating in hushed voices and gentle kisses.

(It’s an evening Luna could never have envisaged earlier, and even though the warm weight of the soup in her stomach isn’t exactly comfortable, Ginny’s wrapped around her like an octopus, showering her with affection, and Luna knows that whatever tomorrow brings, she will get through it).

Ginny is already awake, one arm propping up her head and legs thrown carelessly across the mattress. Everything is a little softer in the light of the weak winter sun, and the glow catches on Ginny’s vivid hair, dancing golden and amber on her curls. Her eyes are heavy-lidded, but they light up when they meet Luna’s gaze, and her mouth curls up in to the sweetest of smiles.

“Morning, beautiful,” her voice is scratchy, but it’s still the loveliest sound Luna’s ever heard, and she thinks vaguely to herself that this is what love feels like – this warm, precious, comforting adoration that curls around her heart like a gentle embrace.

“Merry Christmas.” Luna leans up to press a kiss to the corner of Ginny’s mouth, but Ginny catches her chin, cradles the back of her head like she’s something exquisite, and keeps her there in a long, slow kiss that fills Luna’s entire body with a joy so pure that it threatens to overflow out of her mouth in a giggle.

“I love you,” Ginny murmurs against her lips.

“I love you too.”

They have a slow, quiet morning, full of tender embraces, forehead kisses, and loving words. The Christmas tree lights twinkle, and the log fire fills the room with a blazing warmth that casts frolicking shadows across the walls. Around ten, Ginny entwines their fingers, and asks, with a lightness that belies the heaviness of the situation: “pancakes? Or d’you want to stick to your usual?”

Luna closes her eyes against the pangs of guilt that stir with the pangs of hunger, and for a second, imagines a world where she could eat Ginny’s delicious, piping hot, thick and fluffy pancakes, and not hate herself for it the second it passed her lips.

But she knows herself, and knows that the panic stirring in her chest at even the thought of that much food will erupt if she forces anything. More than that, she knows her girlfriend, and knows that Ginny is the kindest, most supportive and understanding soul she’s blessed to know. “My usual,” she says quietly.

They move in to the kitchen, and Ginny hops up on the counter to whip up her pancake mix, swinging her legs. Luna chops her fruit in to a bowl, spoons a little yoghurt over it, and then, whilst Ginny cooks up a stack of pancakes, she sits in front of the piano, and begins to play.

“Oh, the rising of the sun, and the running of the deer-“

Luna can’t help but smile, because she loves Ginny with her entire heart and soul, but Lord, she can’t hold a tune to save her life. She joins in anyway, “the playing of the merry organ, sweet singing in the choir.”

“Sweet singing from one of us, at least,” Ginny says with a grin, coming to stand behind her, and pressing a kiss to Luna’s neck. “Pancakes are done.” There’s flour on her cheek, and Luna strokes it off gently. Some clings to her fingertips, and she holds it in front of Ginny’s mouth.

“Make a wish,” she says softly.

“You and your wishes,” Ginny rolls her eyes fondly, but obediently blows the flour off, squeezing her eyes shut.

The two of them eat in bed – a rare treat for the two of them, since Ginny is usually up with the morning sun for training – in a nest of blankets and cushions. Luna’s heart is so full that she has to reach for a sketchpad, and before long, she’s captured her girlfriend mid-laugh, her pyjama shirt (white, emblazoned with “HI, I’M BI” in blue, pink and purple) slipping off one shoulder, revealing the small, crescent moon on the edge of her collarbone – her own permanent Luna.

Later, Neville pops by with a bouquet of sunflowers, because they’re Luna’s favourite, though where he got hold of sunflowers on bloody Christmas Day, Luna can’t imagine. She squeezes him tight in an embrace, and blinks back tears when he tells her she’s strong and brilliant and brave. She takes the flowers to put them in a vase as Neville and Ginny chat, and catches murmurs of their conversation through the kitchen door.

“-you’re doing it tonight?”

“Yes. That’s the plan. I wanted-“

“-I’m so excited for you both.”

“I’m so nervous-“

Luna frowns a little, casting her mind back to try and think if Ginny had mentioned any special plans for tonight. Before she gets very far though, the phone rings, and it’s Harry – they have a brief, but heartfelt conversation, before she hears Draco in the background, panicking about champagne, and insists that Harry goes and reassures his boyfriend that no, Mr Weasley won’t care that this isn’t the bottle that cost almost as much as an average salary. She hangs up with a genuine smile on her lips, the whispered conversation completely gone from her mind.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Ginny asks for the fifth time.

“Yes,” Luna says, and though she’s laughing, inside she’s high-key freaking out, because any minute now, Molly will come to the door, and she’ll be thrown in to an environment that’s so focused around food. She’s not ready to have to hear people moaning about how full they are, about how much they ate, about how they really shouldn’t have another slice of cake, but will anyway – because even this vicarious interaction with food makes her feel sick and uncomfortable.

But Ginny is vibrating with excitement at seeing her family, and the radiant happiness on her face as George opens the door, lifts her in to a hug, and spins her around with a whoop, only strengthens Luna’s resolve.

To her surprise though – it’s not overwhelming and difficult. That’s not to say that it’s easy, because nothing feels easy when your brain will not stop screaming calorie counts and overanalysing tiny interactions every single second. But nobody turns to stare at her as she walks in to a room practically overflowing with Weasleys and their various partners – there are no awkward questions about where she’s been for the past five hours, and Hermione immediately and seamlessly draws her in to a conversation about Roman mythology. Ginny is tucked in the corner with George, Harry, and Bill, presumably engrossed in a sports conversation judging by Harry’s intense eye contact and Bill’s enthusiastic gestures. Even so, she glances over at Luna every now and then, checking in with a reassuring smile, and every time she does, Luna feels the tension slide out of her shoulders a little more.

Ron and Charlie come over to join them, and suggest a game of Monopoly. Hermione immediately counters their proposal with Trivial Pursuit, and their shouts attract Ginny’s little group over too. Before long, everybody’s bickering over board games, and Luna is surrounded by her friends – by people who love her and aren’t making a big deal over her mental health and who she feels so comfortable around – and she feels, not happy exactly, but the kind of content that she can recognise that this is not the low she thought it was going to be.

Eventually, they settle on Catan, and Luna’s about to team up with George – because her smarts and his pluck make for a winning combination, when she catches sight of Draco slipping in to the kitchen. She follows him without really thinking about what she’s doing, ignoring George’s noise of betrayal, and ducks in to the kitchen too.

It’s so much quieter in the kitchen, away from the excitable cries of friends and family. Every surface is covered in dirty dishes, or leftover piles of food, and Luna’s stomach twists sharply, the safe-warm-pleasant feeling popping like a balloon, and leaving a saggy heap of apprehension. But then, she catches sight of Draco, who’s leaning against the kitchen counter, staring at the surplus turkey with a strained expression.

(It’s an expression that she recognises, though she wishes that she didn’t. And it’s the fact that she recognises it that gives her the courage to move further in to the kitchen – further away from the security of the living room).

“Hello,” she says softly, mirroring his position on the other side of the room.

Draco jumps a little, eyes snapping to her face, his guard instantly up. He nods at her, “evening.”

“I suppose it is.” Luna’s heart aches a little for him, because he’s holding on to the countertop for dear life, his knuckles bright white. “Is everything alright?”

“Of course. I’m fine.” His voice is carefully measured and brisk, the perfect example of someone who has learnt how to mimic stable mental health, who’s suppressed their feelings for too long. (She supposes, what with everything that she knows about the Malfoys, that this isn’t that surprising given his home environment). “And yourself? Harry said that you weren’t feeling well earlier?”

“Oh, I’m alright. Or at least, I will be.” There’s a pause, and it occurs to her that they’ve never been alone together before. Draco looks at a loss for what to say, his gaze darting every now and then at the stacks of food. Luna takes a breath, and says, anxiety building with every word, “are you – are you sure everything’s okay? Because I – I get it, if it’s not? I – I have issues with food too.” She trails off, has to force herself to breathe in, and then drags her gaze back to Draco’s face.

He’s watching her, and it feels like she’s watching him drown, and she’s thrown him a lifeline, but he’s refusing to reach out and take it. Her heart beats painfully fast, as she remembers all the reasons why the two of them have never really been friends, how spiteful and malicious he’s capable of being.

He clears his throat and looks down. “I don’t – I. I don’t know why it’s happening now. It hasn’t happened for so long.” His grip tightens even further if possible, and his jaw clenches.

She instantly feels unbearably guilty for thinking ill of him, because she knows he’s changed – she knows how hard he worked to become someone better, and she steps forward. “That’s okay. That’s part of what recovery means. You have people who love you to help you through this.” He flinches a little, and Luna’s heart clenches again as the understanding dawns on her. “You haven’t told Harry?”

He shakes his head minutely – finally raising his eyes to meet hers, and it’s Luna’s turn to flinch, because she’s never seen him so look so vulnerable. And she hates it. She never thought she’d hate it when she finally saw him stripped bare of his defensive shields, but it’s awful and painful and devastating.

“Why not?” her voice is much smaller now.

Draco shakes his head again, looking more and more like a lost, little schoolboy. “I don’t – he’s got so much on his plate already, I can’t – it’s not even an issue usually. I don’t even know how to tell him.”

“But he loves you. He’ll make time for you, he loves you so much.”

“I don’t want him to have to. I want this to not be an issue, I don’t-“

“Draco,” Luna says sharply, and, to her surprise, he stops spiralling – out loud, at least. “Tell him. He’ll get it. He’s good and kind, and he always checks in with me to see how I’m doing, if he knew this was an issue for you, then he would be the most supportive. Give him that chance. If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for him.”

There’s a silence that stretches between them, and it feels like the moment when you drop a glass, before it hits the floor and shatters – the moment when you might just be able to clasp it back between your fingers.

“Okay,” Draco says at last. “I – I’ll try.”

(The anxiety slides away, like loosening ropes around her chest, and she breathes.)

Her smile is uncontrollable, and she wants to tell him how proud she is, that this is a Big Deal, that she cares, but she always knows that it would be too much, too soon, and so instead, she nods, and turns to leave the kitchen.

“Luna – I – thanks,” Draco calls after her, and her smile widens.

“Any time. I mean that,” she says, trying to convey everything she wants to say in that one, over-used but still fully-intentioned phrase.

“You too.”

The door opens suddenly, and the noise from the living room pours in as Ginny steps through the door. She catches sight of Luna first, and moves forward, her expression concerned and caring. “Are you alright, ang-“ Her gaze slides past Luna to Draco, and she narrows her eyes at him. He shrinks back a little at the unbridled protectiveness in them, and slides past them both, back in to the living room.

“What was that about?”

“It’s not what you think. I’ll tell you later.” Ginny still looks worried, and so Luna drops a kiss on her lips, sliding her arms around her waist, and drawing her closer. Ginny responds enthusiastically, and for a few minutes, Luna’s heart is glowing, filling her up with a warmth and a light so powerful, it shines in to all the dark and murky corners of her brain, every anxious pocket of her lungs, every insecurity and fear momentarily displaced with love-joy-pleasure-adoration.

“I love you,” she says, breaking away from the kiss breathlessly, the words spilling out. “I love you more than I ever thought possible.”

Ginny bites her slightly swollen lips, her mouth fighting against a smile – it’s her self-conscious but overwhelmingly pleased smile – one of Luna’s favourites – and she has to kiss it. This time, they only break apart when someone clears their throat, and not even the sight of Molly Weasley can suck away Luna’s cloud of happiness.

“Mum, hi,” Ginny says, her cheeks flushed, but she’s still beaming too.

“Hello, darling, how are you?” Molly says, and there’s a conversation that Luna zones out of, because she gets entirely distracted by Ginny: the way the setting sun haloes around her hair, the expressiveness of her hands as she speaks, the lovely sound of her voice as it rises and falls. (Ginny is thoroughly beautiful, and Luna is helplessly, irrevocably in love.)

But then-

“You look well, Luna, dear,” Molly says, and she’s smiling, but all Luna can hear is fat fat fat, and she feels like for all the progress she’s made today, this one phrase has just pushed her right back to the start line. Suddenly, she’s battling thoughts that she hasn’t had to tackle in months, where ‘well’ means ‘healthy,’ and ‘healthy’ means recovery, which means weight gain, which is bad bad bad bad. There’s not enough air in the room, and Luna is so frustrated – mostly at herself for reacting so badly to a well-meaning compliment, but also at Molly, because everybody else had managed not to comment on her appearance, why couldn’t Molly just butt out?

She tracks everything she’s eaten today, counting and recounting calories, trying to reassure herself that it wasn’t Too Much, and that even if it was, that’s allowed too – the world will not end, no one meal will impact anything that drastically, she’s fine, she’s fine, she’s fine –

Ginny’s hand on her arm is what brings her back to reality, but the room now feels much colder. She glances at Ginny’s concerned face, and tries to smile, but feels her lungs constricting. Ginny’s face contorts in to something dark and angry, and she turns on Molly, who’s examining Luna’s outfit with a less-than-thrilled expression.

“Enough,” Ginny barks, and both Luna and Molly jump. “Stop this, mum. Stop being so fucking inconsiderate about my girlfriend, who’s too polite to say anything, but I will-“

“Language, Ginny,” snaps Molly. “What on Earth are you talking about?”

“I specifically told you not to say that word-“

“You’re being ridiculous, calm down-“

“I told you,” Ginny hisses. “She’s been having a difficult time lately, the holidays are always hard, and you know that recovery isn’t linear-“

“Yes, but I just thought-“ blusters Molly, but Ginny cuts her off sharply.

“No, mum. You weren’t thinking at all. Because if you’d thought at all before opening your mouth, you would have realised how hurtful you were being – and it’s not just now – the message you left yesterday – I just – I don’t understand how you’re capable of caring so little that you can’t even ask what Luna needs!”

(Luna doesn’t know how to feel. It means the world that Ginny would defend her even against her own family, but this isn’t what she wants. This is just skyrocketing her anxiety, upsetting the people she loves, not solving anything.) “G – love – it’s okay,” Luna touches Ginny’s arm.

“It’s not, Lu-“

“Please, stop. You’re not listening-“

Ginny opens her mouth to retort, and then freezes. She closes her mouth, visibly swallows, and closes her eyes. “You’re right, angel. I’m sorry.” She hesitates, then slides an arm around Luna’s waist. “What do you need?” she says in a lower voice, “we can leave, if that would help.”

Luna shakes her head, because she doesn’t know what she needs, but she does know that she can’t leave it like this. Not just because it’s Christmas, and Christmas is for love and family and friendship, but also because she hates the unhappy expression on Molly’s face, and the fact that she’s the cause of a dispute. She’s not okay – the thought of food is still making her heart erratic and panicky, Molly’s words are still ringing in her ears, and she will probably have a minor breakdown when she gets home. But for now, what she really needs is to be around her favourite people, and to try and recapture that lovely, safe, warm feeling from before.

(She’s going to be okay.)

“Can we go back to the other room?”

Ginny nods immediately, entwining their hands, and pressing a kiss to their joined fingers. Luna reaches out her other hand to Molly, who stares at her in shock for a minute, but then hastily accepts. The three of them settle back in to the living room, where they have moved on to Charades – Percy is currently gesticulating violently at his groin, swaying a little on his feet, and the guesses are coming fast and thick. Ginny settles on the floor by the sofa, and, when Luna plops down in to her lap, wraps her arms around Luna’s waist and playing with her hair.

It’s a little rocky at first, but the evening goes on, Luna feels herself beginning to relax again. There’s something about watching Harry and George act out Dirty Dancing, by George hurling himself in to Harry’s arms and crushing him to the floor, that forces her anxieties to settle down just a little. Ginny plaits and braids and twists her hair, and Luna slips further and further down in to her lap, growing drowsier in the warm, fairy-light-lit room. On the opposite side of the sofa, Draco and Harry are curled together, and Draco shoots her a half-smile that warms her heart. Eventually, board games switch in to films, and A Muppet’s Christmas Carol begins to play; Luna finally gives in to sleep around the time that the ghost of Christmas present arrives, and her last memory before she drifts off, is Ginny murmuring, “I love you, baby.”

(She’s going to be okay.)

It’s more than a little disorientating to wake up in their own bed the next morning, the sun pouring in through the blinds. Ginny is sprawled across the sheets next to her, still breathing deeply, and snuffling a little with every inhale. Luna can’t help the fond smile that spreads across her face, and it’s instinctive the way she reaches for the sketchpad in her bedside table.

As she draws, her mind journeys, and she begins sifting through the events of yesterday, trying to figure out where her mental health is at today. Yesterday was A Lot, but she actually slept through the night, rather than staying awake and beating herself up over every single action, and the lack of sleep deprivation means she’s a lot more rational than she usually is after a day like yesterday. Even Molly’s words sting a little less in the peace and safety of her bedroom, and she manages to resist the urge to go and weigh herself, to make a list of everything she ate yesterday and punish herself for every single calorie, to go and devour every single thing in the kitchen – she resists it all; she breathes and draws and breathes, makes a note of the things she’s going to have to bring up in her next CBT session, takes her medication, and breathes. She’s coping, she’s managing, and this is not a relapse.

When Ginny finally wakes up, bleary-eyed and affectionate, she beams when Luna tells her what she’s managed to do – or not do, this morning. “I’m so proud of you, baby.” She peppers kisses on Luna’s thighs, beautiful and open and loving in the sunlight, and Luna feels weak with how much she loves her.

They spend a lazy couple of hours in bed – they cuddle, make love, and cuddle some more, entirely engrossed in each other. It’s midday before either of them make a move to leave the bed, and even then, Ginny only pads across to the wardrobe to retrieve something, before coming straight back.

“I meant to do this yesterday,” she begins, kneeling on the mattress in front of Luna, an uncharacteristically nervous expression on her face, and Luna’s heart leaps in anticipation.

“Angel. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anything in my life. You’re brilliant and beautiful and bright, and you make me so, so proud every single day. Your strength in the face of everything you deal with on a daily basis makes me stronger, because you inspire me so much. I don’t know what I’d do without you. I’m not interested in a future that you’re not a part of. I’m so grateful and blessed that you’re my girlfriend – every day, I wake up next to you, and think about how lucky I am, and I want to have that feeling for the rest of my life. I want to wake up to my best friend and lover and favourite person, and be the one to cherish you, and keep you safe, to kiss you and to make love to you, I – I want to make you proud. Luna, angel, will you marry me?”

Luna had known it was coming from the moment Ginny had started speaking, because Ginny only gushes and waxes lyrical when she’s drunk, but it didn’t feel real until she caught sight of the ring. It’s a simple silver band, set with a smooth-cut moonstone, and it’s so perfect – so them – that tears spring to her eyes. She nods, the words not coming immediately, then clears her throat, and nods faster still.

“Yes – yes – yes – a thousand times yes –“ her voice cracks as she flings her arms around Ginny, and they’re both crying and laughing and all Luna can feel is her heart near exploding with joy love elation adoration happy happy happy –

(There are always going to be difficult times in recovery. Maybe holidays will be hard for the rest of her life. But, there is an up after every down, there is always a reason to keep fighting, and Ginny will never stop reminding her of how loved and appreciated she is. She is going to be okay.)

A/N: If you're struggling with an eating disorder/disordered eating/body image issues this Christmas, then please know that you are not alone, that you are important, and that you are loved. Talk to someone - do not struggle with this on your own, because you deserve to be supported and understood. Remember that it's not an all-or-nothing thing. Your comfort matters. YOU matter.

If you're in the UK,  Beat has a helpline open over the holidays. If you want to support a loved one, Beat have a tonne of advice on their website. Alternatively: (1) Think about the language you're using when you talk about food/calories/size/weight. Maybe avoid talking about people's appearances - even in a positive way. (2) It might help to stick to regular meal times and food options. Be accommodating! (3) Listen to what they need. It's so hard to talk about ed stuff, so be patient, compassionate and understanding. (I'll get off my soapbox now)

[mariabblackyr2]

All Ur Viral Phenomena R Belong 2 Us - Lecture&Seminar + Set Task

Meme Dolly Parton - ‘ get you a women who can do it all’, photographs for different platforms - loads of people have followed - how one thing starts another - popular culture 

This is America - Childish Gambino - actor, rapper, young, black pop stars, poet - made the video of this is America - nothing you don’t see everyday on TV, home truths, reality of America, Black lives in America - harsh reality of violence against race?, stereotypes, riots, gun violence  - his culture

A society full of racism and black stereotypes - trousers and dance link back to slavery (Jim Crow - famous portrayal of black people in America) and how black culture came to America and were oppressed - legacy of slavery represented in song and music video 

The music video is a viral phenomenon 

  1 in 9 black men are in prison in America - more of our age group in this room more black people in prison rather than college

Mayflower 2020 - board is white, posh British yet the mayflower played part in killing 95% of the indigenous Americans 

Due to the video being a global phenomena it got memed - mixed together two massive things - call me maybe 

Developed into photographic memes as well - links to American politics in meme - Bernie vs Donald - progression from calm to violence

“Viral phenomena are objects or patterns that are able to replicate themselves or convert other objects into copies of themselves when these objects are exposed to them. They get their name from the way that viruses propagate” - spreads like an illness virus 

Meme that describes a meme - explaining their links to culture, etc - read intertextually 

Meme culture needs to look back over years of culture to understand 

 Intertext - every text is talking through something 

“The word meme was coined by Richard Dawkins in his 1976 book The Selfish Gene as an attempt to explain the way cultural information spreads; such as beliefs, fashions, stories, and phrases” - the meme about him creating the meme - in his books talks about how we are memes due to over genes copying themselves - how cultural information spreads “When you plant a fertile meme in my mind you literally parasitize my brain, turning it into a vehicle for the meme’s propagation in just the same way that a virus may parasitize the genetic mechanism of a host cell.” - we decide what a successful meme looks like

A virus population explodes by how many people it touches

Stanley Milgram - Conformity and Independence - if people were looking up in the street passers by looked up too - FOMO - memes are fomo - fear of missing out - we won't help until someone else steps out to help 

As humans we follow order to not be the weird link in the group - always trying to survive - are we really individuals? Following the leader within the group - been proven by social experiments in people were people are put in situations and filmed what they would do

‘That's clickbait’ - part of meme culture - we click on link

Hashtags -  ice bucket challenge - raising money for charity

#metoo movement - Tarana Burke launched me too movement - white washed out of the photograph 

Tarana Burke: "We owe future generations nothing less than a world free of sexual violence," she says. "I believe we can build that world." - against sexual assault  and harassment followed allegations from Harvey Weinstein

Great Thumberg image - cropped black women out of image that went out across the world - press said the image needed to be tightened - black young girls story is just as important but she got cropped out? Due to her race?

Racial violence went up after brexit.

Memes that reference themselves  - intertext 

Can do anything with a meme - take on mind of their own

‘Meme’ from 1920’s developed into modern day meme - copied and spread of variations of images

‘Lonelygirl15’ - video blog of her on YouTube - her life portrayed through videos was fiction 

Donna Haraway: “the cyborg is a matter of fiction and lived experience”

A “fiction and a fact of the most crucial, political kind” - we are now cyborgs- links to use of technology and memes - written about years ago - we are them as we are so connected

Donald Trump - Memes - reaction - people laughed at something that wasn’t meant to be funny - people of the free world laughed at him - next hour, next day memes of it came out

Blue and gold dress - was a marketing ploy 

Banksy work shredded after brought fro record money - ‘going, going, gone’ - shredder built into the frame incase it ever sold at auction  - sotherbys shocked by stunt 

The next morning - different versions of shredded art appeared on Instagram

Game of Thrones - very dark - ‘grimdark’ fiction - we live through very dark fiction due to the world happening around us - e.g. The Wicther and The Alienist 

Grimdark is being replaced by ‘hope punk’ e.g. star wars

Explore what it means to be good - look for good characters in film and tv

Set Task:

For the set task I decided to explore the role that photographers has in the Me Too Movement.

https://aperture.org/blog/fashion-photography-metoo-era/

https://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/photography-me-too-women-portraits_n_5acfa0ffe4b077c89ce68b22?ri18n=true&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAL8hBrcNJnlzvM2G5iJo89bWhtItoVcfNQkqoYM08qJfDV5TI08ARgriyFvDBtvqbeBjOEfwAaBztNDTaQ6YPMfyRNNNzs1h8Kw6rfO9wgPQFIFIUEYd0kJKA7ihh_f9L_RHULvXPsvWHxAsg9oYHqHcGmd-Ss7tlt9vnpR9iKTb&guccounter=2

Seminar:

Viral phenomena applies to narrative and telling stories

Things go viral for many different reasons 

Cultural studies is a way of trying to read how culture works

Books: 

The Posthuman: N. Katherine Hayles How we become: virtual bodies in cybernetics, literature, and informatics 

The Cyborg: Donna J, Haraway: A Cyborg Manifesto, 1984

How does this theme link back to previous lectures and seminars? It relates to the hauntology lecture with the idea of the end of history, stuck repeating the same things never coming to a conclusion. It also links to nostalgia with the past repeating itself within viral memes. Is creating memes and other viral phenomena a part of our collective utopia?

(Hills and Valleys- direct statement on federal government on women, birth control, family planning, controversial areas - depicts womens hips, vajazzle of government building  ) The art of going viral | Niki Johnson - ted talk -  gender, power and human rights, being clinically engaged is involved in her everyday life, one piece of work went viral twice - major world event at the same time the art was released,  had zero experience with media the first time - way out of comfort zone, art in the media is based on its ability is its public interest, meaning becomes unruly, piece had cultural significance, second cycle was virtual and newspaper

For the seminar task our group choose to focus on the most recent Banksy that has appeared in Bristol and went viral due to his Instagram post.

[nathaniel-g-blog]

What saith the Lord?

“If you extract the precious from the worthless, you will become My spokesman.” 

- Jeremiah 15:19, as cited on the first page of John Bevere’s Thus Saith The Lord? How to know when God is speaking to you through another

“Watch out for fake heads deviled disguised men Arriving from the dawn and spawned with ill forms That'll leave you laying dead in the womb like stillborns” 

- Jedi Mind Tricks, “Heavenly Divine,” from the album Violent by Design

“We must put the DDT which destroys parasites, the bearers of disease, on the same level as the Christian religion which wages war on embryonic heresies and instincts, and on evil as yet unborn.” 

-Frantz Fanon in The Wretched of the Earth

This summer I begged Gillian Rose to tell me what to do. I had learned to disavow the desire to be seen as, to see myself as, a good person. I still wanted to create the conditions under which I could give birth to the person I wanted to be, and I wanted her to show me how. I also prayed. Answers were not forthcoming. Prophecy was contentious in my parents’ church tradition. Was it is about the future or the present? The present in light of the future or the future in light of the present? Was biblical prophecy primarily concerned with things to come or things which have already happened? Perhaps most importantly, how and through whom could God’s will be expressed with the opening qualifier “thus saith the Lord?” One of the first and only theological arguments I had with the woman I married was regarding slavery. I thought Christians should consider themselves slaves, with God as our master. This was non-negotiable. I was God’s property, and that meant desiring earnestly to perform mastery. I couldn’t become God, but I could become his messenger. The thought was enthralling. To desire mastery while insisting that you are a slave. The pleasure of power for those who have disavowed both. The structure of antagonism. I have heard enough parents tell me that they love the children they are abusing to suspect that reality itself is dysphoric. It is not that our desires don’t match onto the desires of others but that, as Paul observed, we do not even want the things we want. Our children, our bodies, our relations do not match themselves or what we think we need from them. We do not understand. Prophecy announced that things are not as they should be. This seemed to match my experience. All that was left to be adjudicated was how things are, how they should be, and the nature of their possible relation. One crude reading was that the way things are is the way we want them to be, the way they should be is how God wants them to be, and the nature of their relation is submission. I didn’t know anyone who wanted things to be the way they are. If we wanted to want something different, we had to remember that God had ordained the world as it actually was. Everything defined by its opposite, non-identical even with itself. The split in reality as the contest between what God wants and what we want. Sometimes the only way to know what God wants is to work backwards, to counterpose what we think as its obvious opposite. What do we actually want? This remains a mystery because our only concern is what God wants. The split exists as a projection, not covering over an underlying unity but positing one, the hope that we can once for all rid the world of its instability, that God can rid us of ourselves. We only wanted the things that God wanted; as it turned out we did not want anything at all. This year I realized that some patterns of life had been or become unlivable. I needed something different. I needed a word from God. Several people in my life had been preparing for such an opportunity, they wanted to encourage me and tell me that God did not want me to be miserable, but also to clarify that the way to be happy was more fully renouncing myself. I felt I had nothing left to renounce but was willing to try. Turn to God, turn away from yourself. But where was God to be found? Not anywhere on heaven or earth, it seemed. God was there, and if you didn’t suspend your powers of judgment and seek an illegible martyrdom, you would be sorry. But I already was. They insisted on a relationship with this God while implicitly asserting its impossibility. Accept the logically unacceptable. Raging against and insisting upon the permanence of melancholy. So lonely with this god, with no escape. This weekend I was in a basement looking for a Casio, looking to express feelings I didn’t understand on an instrument I understood even less. I stopped cold when I saw again the cover to the Manchester Orchestra album I'm Like a Virgin Losing a Child. It stopped me in my tracks as I remembered. Two things in particular I remember about that album: 1) the songs all sort of sound the same because they sort of are 2) listening and being sad about everything, about what I was and what I wasn’t, feeling loss and guilt without the pleasure of newness or promise, like my situation was indescribably special. It wasn’t, but I didn’t know that. I barely knew I had a situation. The way I came to recognize it was in misrecognizing the pain. I began with that album to mourn my inability to mourn. I felt I needed something else, and I did. The woman on that cover looks like she needs a word from the Lord, but might be the only person in the room, besides the camera.

“The archival photograph is a time-stamped, carceral text.”- Zoé Samudzi

This weekend I thought about prophecy and remembered Bevere’s book. Its basic argument is that if we do not learn to separate true from false, we will not know what God is saying, and without a vision we will perish. It is thick with talk of eradicating disease, pollutants, corruption, defilement; the story of Hagar and Ishmael is a metaphor for the ontological split between promise and flesh, or between the flesh which does or does not possess promise. Christians in Bevere’s account should be the paradigmatic racial scientists. A Christianity premised on distinctions, which can ultimately make none; Christianity as the police.

In 2005 Jus Allah released his solo debut album All Fates Have Changed. I found it enthralling. He opens by declaring that he is “beyond measure” and “supreme authority over the universe.” That felt good to sing along with, even though I knew he wasn’t talking about me. I was a young white dude in Manchester,New Hampshire, but I could pretend. He was “a runaway slave with back scars” and an “immaculate being.” The white devils who hurt him would come to be sorry. He promised to “release aggression…explode like atomic weapons…Go into deep spells of demonic possession.” He has words for all his enemies: “Y'all corny motherfuckers sound repetitive, it’s safe to say, I'm the smartest man that's ever lived. I am negative, I will kill a relative.” What else is Jus Allah? “pure darkness, sparkless, glitterless, imageless, but still infinitely limitless… placed on the planet just to cause problems… from the master race exactly, God of the planet, boss of the factory.” He is contradictory. He tells us that tomorrow never comes, and why it cannot: “My stomach got young dead orphans in it; I eat from trash cans at abortion clinics.”

“the blackened-not-blackened fetus is stuck—suspended between a blackness whose freedom cannot commence and cannot be withstood, a blackness that cannot be born and cannot be borne.” -Jared Sexton

Prophecy is the negotiation of power and knowledge which shape conditions for life in the world. Prophecy can be a matter of opening or closing possibilities. I do not want to undersell the apparent strangeness of the behaviors at the church services where I met God, nor the extent to which this strangeness was performance of a denial of difference. You could speak up in protest, directed towards the Other outside and in yourself. In the end, every word from God must be an affirmation, an encouragement.  

This essay is not about prophecy but about my relation to it. I grew up knowing that meaning implies domination, and that man’s search for it required acceptance of roles of master and slave, of Man, that to resist domination required an end to the possibility of even provisional meaning. Prophecy could be a way of ensuring that everyone can live or determining who must not. The prophecy to which I found myself attracted was an aborted negativity. Negativity insofar as it recognized that things were wrong, but a negativity which ultimately aspired to be content with itself as God, to a heavenly place in the world whose gates could eventually be shut. Negativity as the problem which required the promise of prophecy to solve.

Prophecy was a way of denying the obvious: “a disaster's a disaster no matter what Christian language you drag it through.” It was like my divorce: a split produced by the desire for wholeness and the repression of an originary split. One thing I knew for sure was that I shouldn’t follow my own agenda, but instead God’s. One thing I could not have known is that God did not have one, and neither did I, and that if I could not have the split I thought I wanted, I could at least try to know the one I had.

“Our historic mission is to sanction all revolts, all desperate actions, all those abortive attempts drowned in rivers of blood.” -Frantz Fanon

How was I to know when God’s agenda came to earth? “Your young men will see visions, your old men will dream dreams.” As a young child I was haunted by night terrors. Animals at night, outside my window, usually on the neighbor’s roof. I could not resist looking out the window at them. I was not afraid of what they would do to me. They just watched. I was afraid of them because of what they knew. White nightmares. I could not rest.

Everyone knows that immaculate conceptions are impossible, that they are only possible with God, and that the eventual experience of premature death is really another part of his plan. When something feels wrong, you may want a word from God. But prophecy is like an army of locusts. Who can endure it?

(What helped me write this: Amaryah Armstrong, Alex Haley, Gil Anidjar, other readers of Lacan)  

[mutualdarknessff-blog]

C12 - Don't Kiss & Tell

Song: dRuNK by Zayn Malik

Navaya 

Gasping out of another bad dream, I sat up right looking out my window. It was thundering constantly with lighting cracking loudly. Even though Jason left me to spend time with Mali. He had his housekeeping crew behind for anything I needed, but they left around ten. I looked at my phone next to me realizing it was almost three in the morning. I was home alone in this big ass house and felt the bad feelings coming back, when I used to live with my uncle. With it being friday already, I automatically felt my brain going back to what I was thinking before I fell asleep. Picking some type of time to tell Julius about the cure that stayed in my dresser here in the room. Another crackle of thunder made me jump as I clenched the sheets over my head. Pondering on whether I should call Trent or Mali, I figured they were probably sleep. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep until the storm passed, so I decided to get something to drink downstairs. Only problem was I was kind of terrified being in this mansion alone, going that far to get something to drink. Taking a deep breath I pulled the covers off of my bare legs, showing only my pajama shorts and matching t shirt. Stepping out of bed I, walked to the bedroom door peeking out into the hall. Every so often lightening would light the area showing no one there. Finally stepping out into the hall I made my way to the stairs going to the first floor. Holding my torso with both arms I slowly walked to the kitchen, using my phones flashlight to see. As I got closer to the kitchen I noticed the patio doors that lead to the backyard was open. I didn’t leave them open, and I know the housekeepers wouldn’t. Immediately I went into panic mode, unlocking my phone to call the police. Someone was here and I backed up to the wall looking around while I tried to find the dial pad on my phone. But my fingers were shaking out of fear. I dropped my phone. 

“Fuck.” I muttered under my breath bending down to pick up my phone, but when I did it was gone. 

“What the?” I breathed looking up to see a dark figure standing in front of me. 

“Navaya, chill out its only me.” Dev looked down at me holding my phone in one hand and a spliff in the other. Grabbing my chest I looked at my phone and back to him seeing his handsome features better every time lighting flashed. 

“Dev, what are you doing here?” I asked trying to sound annoyed but I was glad he was here and not someone else. 

“Jason wanted me to look over you while he was away, Trent and Anastasia is here too. I was just outside smoking.” He told me handing over my phone. 

“Where are they?” I asked, looking around. “In the movie room downstairs.” He told me. With a smirk on his face he took a slow pull from his spliff, “We didn’t want to wake you, that’s why ya didn’t know we were here.” He explained. Shaking my head I began walking to the kitchen, taking another deep breath. 

“You were scared huh?” He asked, I turned around to look at him taking a pull of his spliff eyeing me and what I had on. 

“No.” I lied hiding behind the island so he could stop staring at my pajamas. 

“Yeah, right.” He chuckled blowing smoke across the kitchen. I ignored him going in the refrigerator for a bottle of water. 

“Think what you want, I would’ve been fine.” I tried to play off my fear of being alone. 

“Vaya.” Dev spoke calm and low. My body got hot in the fact that he had his own nickname for me. I turned around looking at him sitting at the island leaning back staring at me. He had that look in his eyes, it made me so nervous. 

“Huh?” I spoke closing the refrigerator door and leaned up against the counter. 

“It’s okay to admit when you’re scared, besides you can’t hide nothing from me,” He blowed smoke leaning up on his elbows, “That’s why we are all here, you not alone, not anymore.“ 

"Thanks, but i’m alright.” I shrugged. Dev chuckled at me leaning back in his chair. Putting out his blunt in his hand he shook his head at me, “So stubborn." 

"Shut up.” I muttered walking out the kitchen, deciding to go back to sleep since the storm finally died down. Dev was quiet then without a response so I figured he would remain in the kitchen, since he all of a sudden knew so much about me. Walking back upstairs I made it to my room turning on my bedroom light. 

“Why do you have this?” Dev ask sitting on my bed with my black vibrator in his hand. Horrified I ran up to him snatching it out of his hands with ease. 

“Dev what the fuck, don’t you know about personal privacy and space.” I yelled at him my heart feeling like it was about to explode. With a calm face he just looked up at me adorably. I didn’t even wrap my mind around the fact that he was suddenly in my room, I didn’t even see him go past me. 

 "I do.“ He spoke lowly, "I was just wondering since I sat on it when my ass made contact with your bed." 

 "Honestly that’s none of your business and why are you even in my room?” I huffed at him turning away to put my vibrator up in my drawer underneath my underwear. 

 "I mean, thought we were cool, didn’t think you would freak out. Not like i’m your fuckin’ boyfriend or anything.“ Dev sighed standing to his feet, "Ill just leave if I’m bothering you that much." 

 "Wait,” I stopped him before he walked out, “I don’t have school tomorrow, could stay up for a little longer.” Turning back towards me he began to walk back by my bed, “You act like you never had a guy in your bedroom before." 

 Only my uncle ever got to make that as a horror for me, I cringed a little. Ignoring the half truth in his words I just got in bed while he sat at the end of it, leaning back on his elbows. He looked like he was ready for a photo shoot at any moment. 

"What’s up Dev.” I stated having a feeling he needed to talk. 

“Listen, I only feel comfortable with talking to you about this shit, cuz you and I have….” He trailed off, but I knew what he meant. 

“I know,” I nodded having him look over at me, “Just continue and tell me,” I told him. Shaking his head he went on. 

 "Trent and Anastasia, I think that they like each other more than friends. Even though they’re not related, they still belong to the same clan.“ He told me. 

"But if they are in the same clan and both vampires what’s the problem?” I asked him. 

“Nothing in the clans eyes, but to me I don’t know if I can accept it. What makes it even more weird is, the whole time of looking over Trent he never approached or seem interested in any human girl." 

"Maybe, Trent is meant to just be with his own kind.” I shrugged. “I don’t believe in that.” Dev replied solemnly leaning all the way down on my bed, he looked up at the ceiling. His broad chest rose every so often, flexing out the t shirt he had on. 

“Why not?” I asked, sliding his head in my direction he closed his eyes. 

“I just don’t.” He stated. “Did you have a relationship with your kind?” I asked curiously. 

“Yeah only one,” Dev replied opening his eyes again placing them on me,“Didn’t work out." 

"Sometimes we’re just meant to be with who we’re meant to be with.” I concluded. Sitting up Dev mugged me. 

“I thought you were supposed to be agreeing with me here.” He leaned closer to me raising an eyebrow. 

“Trent is my best friend, I haven’t ever seen him with a girl he likes so I’m happy for him.” I shrugged. 

“Sell out.” Dev muttered making me chuckle. “You aren’t the only one to witness him always being single.” I laid against my headboard. 

“Yeah speaking of single, If you went ahead and gave Julius the fuckin’ cure you wouldn’t need that damn plastic shit.” Dev looked over at me with a evil grin on his lips. 

“Oh my gosh, would you stop being obsessed with my vibrator.” I sighed putting my face in the palms of my hands. 

“I didn’t say I was obsessed.” He shook his head, “Anyways I’ve watched over Ana all her life since her clan abandoned her, so she’s like a little sister to me. Trent is like a little brother to me, I just don’t know what to do.” He spoke sounding glum again. 

“Accept it.” I told him. 

“Easier said than down Vaya.” He smirked at me.

“When did you come up with that nickname for me?” I asked him, he shrugged looking at me.

“I don’t know. What you don’t like it?” He asked with a pout of his pink lips.

“Didn’t say that, Devvy-poo.” I smiled at him, he gave me a blank stare.

“Please don’t call me that.” He huffed at me. I started laughing at him.

“What’s so funny in here?” Anastasia walked in leaning against the wall, Trent was behind her coming inside my room.

“Nothing at all.” Dev answered, “You about to head out Tre?”

“Yeah man.” Trent replied dapping him up, “See ya Vay.”

“Good night Tre.” I nodded.

“So Dev did you tell Navaya about-” “Anastasia, you’re staying here tonight.” Dev cut her off automatically.

“Dev are fucking serious?” She protested.

“Yes, I’m fuckin serious,” He responded, “Goodnight.”

“Whatever.” She muttered walking out the room behind Trent, “Panties in a bunch about an ex.”

“Told you she gets on my damn nerves.” Dev spoke under his breath.

“They are young Dev, and-”

“No, you the virgin to all bases cannot say shit about my rules.” He chuckled at me.

“Excuse me I am not-”

“Have you gone past first base with a guy?” He asked me.

“No, I admitted looking down at my hands.” I bit my bottom lip.

“Exactly. Who knows what the hell they did in the movie room.” Dev sighed. Seeing how quiet I was he looked back over at me.

“I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.” Dev mumbled at me.

“No, you’re okay it’s the truth. But the bright side is It’s a sure fact that Julius is a virgin so… it’s whatever.” I shrugged.

“Right.” Dev sighed, “Well if you ever need any advice…”

“Dev.” I laughed at him.

“What?” He asked confused.

“Nothing.” I sighed, with a yawn, “What was Anastasia saying about an ex?”

“Nothing, just talking out the side of her mouth. Imma let you go to sleep, and make sure Anastasia still in this damn house.” He muttered standing to his feet,

“Thanks for the advice, nite.”

“Night Dev.” I smiled at him as he turned my light switch out.

“You gonna be alright with Julius.” He chucked up his deuces and closed my door behind him. Before drifting off to sleep, my mind focused on what Dev had said. He didn’t see his kind as someone to be with, and it confused me. Could it be why he didn’t do relationships?

***

After brushing my teeth and showering I threw on some clothes deciding to go eat some cereal. It was ten in the morning as I went downstairs, the sun shined through the open living room. Sprawled out on the couch was Dev with his mouth slanted open, peacefully sleeping. I held in my giggle at how he laid on his back on the couch with one leg dangling off the top of the couch and an arm leaning off the edge. His shirt was on the floor letting me view every tattoo he had and his chiseled body. It suddenly had me in a daze as his chest rose up in down not making a peep in his slumber. Here I thought vampires didn’t sleep and he was knocked out. It made me wonder why he even needed sleep. Snapping myself out of staring I headed to the kitchen, deciding on some cocoa puffs. Pouring my milk after I did my cereal, I got up to get a spoon out of the sliding drawer. Turning back to my cereal Dev sat at the island with his chin in his hand watching me.

“Jesus, could you at least talk when you enter a room.” I deeply breathed trying to control my heart. Standing there for a second I took another deep breath before taking a seat in front of my cereal bowl. Saying grace privately I opened my eyes to see Dev looking at my bowl of puffs.

“My bad.” He spoke with squinty eyes.

“So, can I ask a question about your eating habits?” I asked looking up at him slowly. Dev licked over his bottom lip squinting at me again before relaxing his eyes.

“I don’t eat off of people if that’s what you’re wondering.” He told me.

“Then what do you do to keep yourself fed, and is Trent…-”

“Don’t worry I have Trent on the same diet as me, we use blood bags from Jason’s company.” He answered sincerely.

“Oh, so you already have eaten?” I asked looking in my cereal bowl.

“In a little bit.” He looked down at the table making imaginary circles on it with the top of his pointer finger, “It’s like my coffee.”

“I was just wondering.” I admitted curiously.

“Anymore questions?” He asked looking up at me.

“No, I’m good for now.” I nodded taking another scoop of cereal in my mouth.

“You sure?” He smiled at me with a cheeky grin.

“Uh huh.” I mumbled in between chews, he absentmindedly sat up in his chair stretching out his shoulder. Moving my eyes away from his body I looked down at my cereal taking another scoop.

“I guess since your bestie back with Jason, you stuck with me until Julius get here?” Dev asked confusing me. “What you mean until Julius gets here?” I stopped chewing looking upon his boyish smile that slowly crept across his face. 

“Dev.” I scoffed dropping my cereal spoon in my bowl. “Navaya it’s time.” He told me standing to his feet, “Either it happens today or the cure will be taken from you. Daniel’s final words.”

“Ok.” I sighed looking up at him. He nodded eventually walking off, leaving me with my final thoughts.

***

Sitting on the couch, I saw Dev come downstairs looking freshly showered and good. I had to admit my best friend knew how to dress no matter what he was doing. Even if he was being match maker for the day. Finally seeing him come downstairs meant that Julius would be here and I began to get more nervous. That blood he compared as coffee really made him look refreshed and good.

“What you gawking at?” Dev asked coming into the living room, darting his eyes between his phone in his hand and me.

“Nothing, you just look nice.” I complimented him with a small grin, “And your hair is growing back.” 

 Scoffing Dev squinted one eye at me, “Stop being gay Vaya.”

“How is that being gay, it’s a compliment.” I shrugged up at him.

“Stay focused on the task today, Julius will be here any minute.” He crossed his arms at me with a smirk.

“Fine, don’t look for any more compliments from me.” I said shaking my head at his foolishness.

“Ha, yeah right girl. Know I’m fine as fuck.” He wriggled his eyebrows at me with a smile.

“Now you being gay.” I muttered standing up out my seat on the couch. Dev chuckled as his phone rang, he placed it to his ear.

“Hello?” He answered rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand, “Alright Ill be there.” Placing his phone back in his pocket he looked up at me, “I’m about to go handle some business, I want a good report from you when I get back tonight. Prob around 1 am so you know it’s me with your scary ass.”

“Dev shut up and just go.” I rolled my eyes at him. He smiled at me with his raising his hand for me to take it.

“You got this.” He spoke lower squeezing my hand a little. I nodded at him, “Thanks I hope so.”

“Alright.” He nodded back before departing towards the garage. Looking at the time on my phone it was almost twelve, and I decided making some pizza rolls would make this time with Julius a little better. I hoped.

***

While the third iron man movie played on the TV, Julius and I ignored it making out. My body felt so hot, I didn’t have any concern with anything else. Gripping my thighs he squeezed them tight with every second of his sweet kisses on my lips.

“You’re so soft.” He whispered smiling in between kisses. I giggled at him clenching the back of his neck with both hands. Going to my neck he began to linger in one spot kissing relentlessly on me. Before I gave up on why he was really here, I fought how he was making me feel.

“Jul,” I breathed as he laid on top of me rubbing a hand through my hair, “Wait.”

“What’s wrong?” He asked stopping to look in my face. Taking a breather I moved him off so I could sit up. Leaning close to me he kissed my lips softly once, rubbing his nose against mine. Kissing my nose he leaned away from me,“Wassup?”

“I need to talk to you about something?” I told him moving my leg off his left one.

“Tell me.” He spoke seriously leaning back on the couch, his full attention on me.

“Jason, has these doctors professional in making an experimental drug for the cure of aids.” I told him with my eyes closed. Julius grabbed my chin with his warm hand, “Navaya, open your eyes.”

Slowly I raised up my eyelids looking into his soft stare on me.

“You’re trying to save my life now? I couldn’t ask for a more awesome first girlfriend.” He smiled at me leaning in to kiss me.

“Wait so, you aren’t like not gonna do it?” I asked him.

“Is it FDA approved yet?” He asked.

“No.” I blinked waiting for his response.

“So this would be illegal.” He figured out. Not knowing it was also unimaginable to the human mind.

“Yeah.” I nodded.

“You know what the side effects are?” He looked in my eyes. Here comes the half lying.

“Nausea, dizzy ness you know the usual stuff they say in those commercials for non over the counter drugs… the doctors will explain more to you about it.” I nodded at him with a dry chuckle. After a while Julius got silent, he stood to his feet and looked out the patio doors.

“I have something to tell you too Navaya.” He spoke with his back to me.

“What?” I asked waiting.

“At doctors my appointment, they told me I only have like a month left. After that I’m supposed to stop treatment, and…”

“Well then you have try this.” I stood looking at the back of his precious head.

“Yeah, I know and I want to. Might as well I’m dying anyways right?” He chuckled looking back at me. I stood there my heart feeling like it was beating out of my chest knowing this couldn’t be prolonged anymore.

***

Trent

Sitting at the kitchen island of my condo, Anastasia had her right hand clenching my thigh. Staring in my eyes with her pretty brown ones she had a smile of lust and I was tempted couldn’t lie. Licking over her top lip smoothly, she took another sip of blood never unlocking our gaze. It was going on almost ten and we had spent the whole day of shopping, her teaching me french words every now and then in her sexy french accent. I couldn’t have picked a more beautiful woman to wait and spend so much time with. What put the cherry on top is that everything that I was going through as a new vampire she could relate. It made being attracted to her even more stronger. We had been holding out going physical at all, only because it wasn’t really my area of expertise. Anastasia was so confident I was glad that I was a vampire anyways, probably would break me if I wasn’t. She had a hundred years on me so I knew she would be knowing what she was doing, probably had some tricks of her own. Leaning closer to me she connected her forehead with mine, a small smile slowly inching on her plump glossed lips. My front door then bursted open, and I saw Micah and Allister walk in. In no time I saw Dev come in with his hands behind his back, eyes a light golden color looking upon us. Anastasia without turning around moved away from me taking another sip of her drink. While the twins stayed by my foyer, Dev walked in my kitchen snatching the glass from Anastasia. It was empty now as he sniffed inside it. Raising an eyebrow Dev looked to me then back to Ana.

“Seems like Tre here is rubbing off on you Ann.” Dev spoke crossing his arms over his chest.

“Ya think?” She sarcastically responded leaning back in her seat, glaring at Dev. Doing a deep sigh, Dev rubbed the back of his neck looking up at us while putting the glass down on the counter.

“Look, I know y'all are attracted to each other.” He started, making the vibe awkward, but we remained silent, “And I know that Ana has talked to you Tre about our clan in France.”

“Yeah.” I nodded at him. “There are some things, I need to take care of before we leave the country, and then I promise you will go meet your family.” Dev swore looking me in the eyes. He never has let me down since meeting him, so I believed every word.

“Okay.” I blinked looking over at Ana who smiled at me.

“You two have my blessing, jus don’t over do the fuckin’ PDA around me.” Dev huffed with a snort, and then he began to walk out my condo, “Goodnight.”

“Night.” Ana and I said in unison. With that they left and Ana and I were alone again. She stood smoothing out her dress leaning into me. Her mouth made connection with my ear as she whispered softly, “Let’s have some fun.”

***

Navaya

Watching some TV I heard a weird sound, making me turn the TV down all the way. I looked at the TV guide time to see it was two minutes to one in the morning. Standing to my feet I looked behind the couch to the front of the house. 

“Dev if that’s you stop playing around.“ I yelled, but no one answered. There was a whoosh making my heart skip, before me was a pretty young woman gazing at me. Thin, almost pale, with brown eyes of fire. A big smile plastered her lips as she began to walk around the couch sizing me up and down.

"Who are you?” I asked her, but she continued staring at me. Placing a finger tip in her mouth she continued smiling.

“You must be her, how did it feel?” She asked me bluntly.

“What?” I asked in confusion. My heart began to pound, realizing that his woman had to be a vampire. She was to beautiful to be human, I swallowed hard not knowing if it was safer to stand still or try to call for help.

“Don’t even think about trying to slip your phone out your pocket, that would be a mistake. Navaya.” She devilishly smiled at me. Crossing my arms over my chest I shook my head at her.

“Great, so you know all about me. Who I am. Think that’s fair?” I sneered at her squinting my eyes. Turning her head to the side at me she turned up her lip at me, “I’m Carmen, Dev’s ex.”

“Oh.” I breathed, feeling awkward as hell. Wish I knew what she wanted. All I could bet on is that Dev felt me calling out to him, and that he fulfilled his promise on being here in the next minute before this vampire killed me.