#and i am so lucky and grateful to be their friend

[chvoswxtch]

a wrap on the bodyguard

this is a really bittersweet moment for me. i've been trying to find the words to really capture how i've been feeling about this whole thing, and I don't know if these are even enough to fully express it, but i've been sitting with this for a few days since posting the final chapter and watching y'all respond to it, and they feel right in this moment

when I first got the request for bodyguard frank, I had no idea it would turn into what it did. it never would’ve been possible without kate, whom I am immensely grateful for and forever indebted to, who gave me the gift of this incredible idea, and her wonderful friendship

even when so many of you asked for a part 2, I didn’t think it would go beyond that. but this very quickly became a passion project for me that I spent over a year and a half on, spanned 26 chapters, and is made up of roughly 130k words. it challenged me to step outside my comfort zone, and showed me I could do something I didn’t think I was capable of

to all of you who took the time to read this series, whether you kept up with it from the beginning, or you just recently found it and binged, to all of you who interacted with it and me in any way, from the bottom of my heart, genuinely and sincerely, thank you. you don’t know how much it meant to me. every single one of y'all have helped me to become a better writer and gave me more confidence in myself, and showed me to grant myself more grace when it came to being overly self-critical

I have loved books since I was a shy kid who struggled to make friends, whose only way of traveling and meeting new people sometimes was in those books, and being an author and creating that feeling for someone else has always been a dream. because of y’all, that dream has come true. I looked forward to seeing the reactions and comments and feedback from every single one of y’all every single time, and getting to watch y’all fall in love with something I created was such an incredible experience

if you’re looking for your sign to start that project or post that thing you did, do it. creating is hard, and sharing it with the world is scary, but it is such a rewarding thing, and you never know what it could turn into

I am so unbelievably honored and overwhelmed and blown away by the kindness and love y’all have shown this story, and me. I am so happy it brought so many of y’all to me, and that it’s created friendships I cherish so much. this story was a gift to me that I feel so lucky to share with all of y’all. so please, enjoy it as much as you like, it’s yours

with all the love in my heart,

court 🖤

[mangostarjam]

my friends are so fucking smart and cool and kind

[uncanny-tranny]

I think what might actually help the families of trans loved ones is to actually engage with where the trans person is at - especially if the family isn't quite understanding yet. When I came out, I was completely alone in figuring out my manhood. I had peers and I had exposed myself to so many trans people who explored gender, and while it was amazing, it isn't quite the same at times. I grieve quietly, sometimes, about all the missed opportunities that might have just made it easier for my family to have seen how utterly happy I was. It took them a very long time to actually notice that I was happy, especially once I got on testosterone. I'm lucky that they saw that happiness eventually, and slowly accepted it. My manhood is completely detached from their influence, both to my relief and chagrin. It's sad to me that I learned to shave from a kind online stranger, somebody who didn't even have a father and yet, I do. I have a father. I grieve at the loss of a potential shared experience. I grieve about the pain I went through when I was in that stage of transition, especially because it was raw and vulnerable. I grieve that many trans people today are traversing the path I had to, because it's sometimes lonely (even when you do have other forms of support).

It's hard to know that I will never have gotten my sense of being from my family. In many ways, it has severed a lot of connection with them because there were so many times that I was begging them to see happiness when they were focused on the idea that I was almost in a state of purgatory - flesh which felt warm but held no familiarity to them. I don't harbor ill-will toward them, I hope I don't leave the impression that I despise them. I understand what they felt, even if I can't conceptualize it myself. However, it's a raw wound in my heart, and I don't want to leave anybody else feeling that way, either.

[bunnihearted]

being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me

[bilestat]

[playbarbies]

hey guys pssst c’mere i gotta tell you somethin’ :

[boxylic]

I drew a lot more this year than last, and with less pressure to finish things or even share them and while I wanna.. get back to sharing them and having that confidence I am. So genuinely happy that I haven't been as downtrodden when it came to art and creating this year

[octoskeletons]

My lover boy ❤️

@noodlebrainfog

[chthonic-cassandra]

This experience of wanting so much! Having so many things I want to write, to bake, to read, to reread! The wanting to do my job and also to walk outside and see flowers and also to go to the theater and also to stay in bed and read and drink tea! Wishing to make theater again, to work on my Greek, to do academic writing, to formalize my religious practice. The joy at having a life that is so full and also coming up against the limitations of my time and energy, the demands of the trauma. The pushing myself which is not so much about an external idea of what is 'reasonable' (though who doesn't struggle with that too), as just the new-alive invigorating ache of wanting things.

[russilton]

I’ll be like “I love u ur my friend” and bad will be like “hmm instead of saying I love you back what if I dropped a couple thousand words of fic that rip you open from gut to sternum and splay ribs to leave your heart exposed”

And then I’ll say “I value how you listen to me” and she’ll share writing that makes me want to commit arson and tear bricks from the walls and turn glass to dust with my fingers

How am I friends with so many people who will crawl into a tree when I tell them they make my life brighter but then throw back things so profound and gorgeous I worry my heart is going to collapse from the ache- HOW. ITS NOT JSUT BAD ITS ALL OF THEM. IT KEEPS HAPPENING

Also “why are you posting this” bc it’ll take them a while to see it and I want to be sworn at

[cquackity]

love my friends so damn much shoutout to my friends

[trinketguy]

my boyfriend and friends have all been doing so much to take care of me and i feel so lucky to have a network of people i love who will go out of their way to make me feel safe and comfortable

[imogens-temult]

just here to cry that i am officially going to the eras tour and i can’t actually believe it xoxo

[bunnihearted]

🐰🕸🌙

[daddy-socrates]

so glad i have therapy tonight im. Ready to talk about scary things

[alula]

where are the lesbians in my life. where are the butches in my life. how do i have so many gay friends and only know like one butch maximum can we stop being so shy fellas