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#and i cant go by love alone bc i love all of them
darabeatha · 1 year
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#;ooc#ooc#/I SEE THESE ON DASH AND THEY LOOK FUNNY#/not adding ritsu and hakuno bc i cant add a lot of points rip#/spiritually they join ur adventure okok#/PERSONALLY- at first i was like; ok if im going on an adventure then ody or jason would be the most fitting#then i quickly remember ody's journey being a disaster and same with jason ☠️#HONESTLY- THEY ARE ALL A DISASTER IN SOME WAY-#and i cant go by love alone bc i love all of them#TOO MUCH I CANT PICK!!!#there are too many variables to think about-#but if i went with Constantine it would be like a fairy tail bc he has a horse 😳👉👈#but tezca has his -insert model- car with fake jaguar print seats-#and c.amazotz has his fuzzy arms if its cold 🤧🤧🤧#ody has his huge giganormous badoonkazoonkeroongas so u have a pillow there#j.ason has the argo at least- he had to have a positive ok#what if with ash u just get on his weapon and go rolling down somewhere like some huge hamster-#v.lad might not have any means of transportation but- he is so 😳😳😳 that it doesnt matter; i would go walki n g#with Charlie we are gonna get sidetracked; he'll get shocked by something and his attention goes 🏃💨#d.aybit would make a bonfire something tells me he knows how to do camping#like;; he would pull the most random skills and ur like; why does this dude know thissss#the good side of joining mocte: he has these huge guns and warriors around so protection wise ur good#bad side: if u happen to find any comfortable place; ur sleepong outside#hes getting the best of the best; the spare things go to u (maybe; hopefully)
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puppyeared · 5 months
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i feel like. theres designing a character with certain themes and motifs in mind, and then theres making a gijinka for the water bottle on my nightstand
#me when im the only person on the bus wearing a mask: i should make a furry plaguesona#its hard to explain bc. most of the time i try NOT to give my characters a 'strong' theme like making their whole design around#one thing like apples or even broad stuff like baking or cottagecore.. idk if its partly for flexibility or because i cant imagine them#making it their whole personality. not bc i find it cringe or overblown but more like ive learned to associate design with character depth#i had a cutesy uwu persona for most of highschool because i thought it would make me more. likeable? easy to remember? since#memorable character designs are easy to recognize. and one way of doing that is simplifying it with a theme or symbol so you form an#association. but since im a real person its exhausting keeping up that appearance all the time and denying myself things when they dont#fit my 'aesthetic' or 'theme.' i think ive grown past that bc i just collect stuff because i think it looks cool and dont let myself dwell#on how it might 'fit' with my image. but i cant help feeling bad doing it to my own characters bc it feels like im making them too one#dimensional. despite knowing that theyre not real and design alone doesnt reflect depth i cant help feeling like its wrong#despite that i love seeing motifs because it feels like it reflects the characters soul and paradoxically gives them depth. it makes them#interesting to look at too and honestly its pretty fun combining things that fall under a similar category when designing#i struggle find a balance between those two things#actually this reminds me of noelles christmas theme.. i dont remember her saying anything abt liking christmas despite a lot of#her design and character tying back to it. it makes me wonder if she would have feelings about that or doesnt think abt it too hard#or if its like a matching family shirts situation and shes just going along with it??#maybe i should just do whatever i want with my character designs since theyre not real and im thinking abt it too hard#although. this probably has something to do with deep seated identity issues huh#yapping#oc talk#oc
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moeblob · 4 days
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Anyway they can change between being tiny and human sized. And when they're tinier they can only be seen by the other fae or their selected humans. So if you just passed Noll on the street while Shavuli was perched on his shoulder chatting away you wouldn't see or hear her.
#my characters#a lot of the fae who are trying to get noll to pick a human take turns joining him as he wanders if he opts to be human sized#if he opts to be small and fly around none of them can actually find him to follow bc he does it precisely to be alone#and makes careful to avoid all of them when he dips#which furthers their friendly obsession with him being their void like where is he we lost him we gotta go bring him back from the abyss!#and hes just off on his own being crippled by anxiety at being a disappointment bc what if he isnt fun enough#absolutely unaware that all his friends are like we gotta go find him hes too good at this#hes going to win the game we have clearly set up to involve humans before he even recruits a human#cause he is TOO GOOD at slipping away ITS NOT FAIR we love him what a weird fae thats our lil guy!#noll really is just out there impressing all of his friends and not knowing hes impressing them bc hes too scared of being abandoned#and i was telling rae but when he does find the human he wants as his for the game#hes like ok so im gonna be honest here i turn into a big sword and you are definitely not going to be strong enough to carry me#and the human just like ok then pick someone else?#and hes like no no i cant you dont get it youre resourceful and im resourceful THEREFORE! i have an idea! just for us!#and then proceeds to shatter himself into shards basically#so that the human can have many smaller easy to control swords rather than one too big sword#and when all of the other fae see it they are absolutely delighted bc they didnt know he could do that! thats so cool! wow! they love him s#and he doesnt tell them that it actually really flippin hurts and being broken is agonizing but he wants to win so badly#anyway hello appreciate the void fae noll and his lil buddy shavuli who can turn into a spear C:#in her human form though she loves to wear hoodies instead of just like .... a skin tight suit with draping fabrics#she does wear biker shorts bc leggy.... she likes to have legs free#but she likes hoodies a lot
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spacedlexi · 1 year
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thinking about clem vi and minnie
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#cant stop thinking about them....the Drama of it all.....the Gay Drama of it all#SORRYYY but like.... vi and minnie only ending their relationship bc vi thought minnie died and couldnt save her and blamed herself.....#vi finding out minnie was traded off by marlon and did not actually die#and finding out shes working for the enemy and vi has to accept the fact that the Real minnie is gone#the way minnie basically called vi a coward implying there mightve been some tension in their relationship(right after re-meeting after 1yr#the weird tension and mental battle between clem and minnie bc they are like 2 sides of the same coin#(and clem is dating her ex and taking her family)#vi reassuring clem that none of this changes her feelings for her and will go to battle against minnie for their friends#vi either getting kidnapped by the delta (bc clem doesnt save her) and brainwashed by minnie to act against her friends and fight clem#vs her saving clem from minnie by shooting her with her own crossbow with no hesitation other than a plead to stop (still makes me scream)#vi not being able to leave minnie alone and injured#brainwashed vi getting blinded in the explosion#ep 4 minnie not hesitating to try to kill vi for tenn#clem and minnie fighting to the Death#minnie being the reason clem gets bit..one last fuck you#vi having to leave clem on the other side of the fence leading to clem getting bit#s4 didnt have to give us one of the gayest drama-iest side plots in a game but it did and i still cant get over it#hehe hehe hehe :) :) :) infested with brain worms#thank u twdg s4 for existing i love u#need to draw more clem/vi/minnie tension#and also clem and minnie fighting i love when they fight#started replaying s4 but im taking it sooooooo sllooowwwlllyy i cant wait to get to ep3 this shit was written specifically for me#it speaks#twdg
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straykidsholicleigh · 22 days
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okay just shut up, SHUT UP! IM SO SICK OF YOU STUPID ASS FUCKING ANONS!
no, i am not leaving the fandom for one fucking song! its not happening! ive been with these boys for 5 fucking years and im tired of u anons pressing me to abandon the fandom, i am NOT doing that. "but Palestine, but Palestine" yes, i read the fucking news, i know what's going on in that country but its not skz's fault, its JYPS! their idol's, its not like they walzed into his office like "yo, let's collab with Charlie Puth" this shit doesn't work like that in kpop. idols can't make decisions, its the company that does.
im staying in this fandom, im continuing to write for skz bcs i love them, i find comfort in them. they r my boys and im not abandoning them for one stupid fault of JYP.
so stop it.
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#T's “what did u call me? do u think whatever that is is hot? okay then good”#i love the tour pic above K!#and i love how they r still plucked abt not being in Dune2#K the avid winker...#its so cute how T is featured on this album of K's too😭😭😭#T wants to be left alone (on the phone) on her bday and K wants attention... well... ((once again relating to K))#T looked at Ks belly in a suprisingly like? soft way? idk i might have hallucinated that but who knows.#fuck whoever didnt visit K when she would have wanted them to.#its sweet how T visited her! (srsly cant u just communicate who wants what in this situation so its no suprise? ik its hard for them but😭)#T describing Ks party attending habits!!! they know each other soooo well🤭#aaagh how they have to act like they cant easily spend 2 hrs together having fun when they literally cant wipe the smiles off of their faces#(lesbians..... lovesick idiots.......)#oh they r always facetiming! so adorable :(#T was so excited that they r linked! like girl u do not need more confirmation for that research do u?😭#K watching the pod...... my heart......#why dont they just sit closer if they will reach across a whole fucking room to touch eachother?? like it sounds easier for me but u do u!#i really get a kick out of K mentioning TRHPS anytime she does it bc ik it was such a big thing in Ts life and ugh😭#constantly praising each other😭😭😭😭😭 what if i start sobbing huh#well maybe T is trying to get K to learn how to flirt so that she can practice on her? just an idea?😁#K putting her leg up on T?????? hi what? jist sit in the other's lap u creatures... its okay we can all look away for a sec if u need it...#their art! i fucking love it! both of it! its art at its finest🛐 and id kill to see a collection of their drawings bc cmon they r amazing!#its cute how they r talking abt smth and then they go “oh wait we were there together!”#its almost as if they actually spend time hanging out😱 (dont let the police know!!4!4)#“if we were on DR now-” okay but why r u still dreaming of that miss T?🤭🤭🤭 (who could blame her)#them watching the movies the other one recommends is the closest we can get to them watching an actual thing together (outside of NF)#also im so happy T spent time w K on her bday :(((#trixie mattel#katya zamo#tbatb#the brians
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echo-s-land · 1 month
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It's insane how most of the time I don't get how ppl interact and I also Don't Fucking Care
#vent ig#i wish i could#but unfortunately i havent had the occasion of sharing one of my interest with you in the past three months and when i did it didnt go as i#wanted and now we're supposed to talk through smalltalks except i dont know how to do those so im awkward as hell and unconsciously cut the#short and now im being hated (?) even tho that wasnt my intent#but i guess no matter how trustful i am i just look like a liar#and i cant even bring myself to care bc how am i supposed to explain myself when youre convinced what i say is a lie#we werent even supposed to be this close so sorry if im stiff. i tried to get along but i just cant#the never ending circle between 'i want to have ppl to interact with being alone to experience this world is exhausting and dreadful' and#'im not even remotely interested by any of you'#its different on tumblr bc i can curate my own experience & nobody comes @ me when i dont interact with them for days or weeks (BC IVE GOT#NOTHING TO SAY) and its okay and its normal and we dont have to do the 'hi how are you wyd' script every single time (sure we can check up#on each other once in a while but it doesnt become a script. it feels genuine.)#anyway. im so normal. i can def care about ppl that have never been as insane as me about something we both love(d at some point)#am pretty sure i developed 'i perceived you saying/thinking One(1) bad thing about me and now i dont care at all about your existence' as#a child as a coping mechanism but goddammit i feel like an asshole everytime it happened#i hate feeling apathetic#and i hate lying too so i cant just say shit to reassure them when i dont mean them#cant tell them im sorry about how my behavior is perceived when im so damn tired and would rather they disappear of my life
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ozlices · 1 year
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WAIT STOP SHUT UP IM REWATCHING THE FINAL TOTK TRAILER AND REALIZING HOW LIKE... GENUINELY BEAUTIFUL IT IS THAT LINK GETS TO FIGHT W THE DESCENDANTS ON NUMEROUS OCCASIONS... HE SPENT THE ENTIRETY OF BOTW ALL BY HIMSELF... ALL ALONE... HE WAS PROBABLY SO LONELY... AND ONCE HE GOT HIS MEMORIES BACK HE PROBABLY FELT SO MUCH GUILT AND REGRET OVER NOT BEING ABLE TO FIGHT WITH THE CHAMPIONS TO SAVE THEM... BUT NOW HE GETS TO FIGHT ALONGSIDE THE DESCENDANTS AND JUST THE CITIZENS OF THE KINGDOM IN GENERAL.... AND PROTECT THEM.... IM ACTUALLY GOING TO FULL ON SOB... THE WAY THEY LITERALLY SAY ‘YOU ARE NOT ALONE’ IN THE TRAILER.... I WONT MAKE IT THROUGH THAT CUTSCENE WITHOUT BEING A COMPLETE WRECK I SWEAR
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I like doomed narratives but my ultimate Wizard101 NPC ending is the Young Wizard living in a nice secluded place with all their friends (all the necromancers, Ceren, Nolan, fuck you Boris you can live outside, Dasein, the Schismist Soldier, Mellori and the Bat) like a little village but they're all roommates and they do things like farming and brewing hot tea on Sundays free from Ambrose and the rest of the damned Spiral
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toastsnaffler · 4 months
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everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏
#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too#things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄#jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that#having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically#and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me#despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence#and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik-#she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh#and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space#and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she-#likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man#i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them#theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road#theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill-#finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me#old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc#anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included-#bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately#also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that#im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it..#ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too#its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes#regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a#fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling#and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........#sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!!#.diaries
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mewtwo24 · 22 days
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You know reading vol 5 of mdzs before all the rest (don't ask me why I'm a clown and there were Circumstances) has to be the craziest experience of my life. Because it took all of ten minutes of wwx talking to literally hit me so hard in the gut I had to sit down and listen to really loud music for a while to calm down.
Who needs therapy when mxtx is alive and writing, I guess????? 🤡
Can't wait to get to the actual tragic parts I just know I'm gonna be that "help" frog phone meme
#mdzs#i was really out here thinking svsss would be my fave bc of lbh#and then i finally get around to reading mdzs and it blows my expectations out of the fucking water holy actual shit#and i just had this feeling the first time i read parts of it like 'oh. this series is going to kill me. im not coming back from this.'#and here i am booboo the fool getting my clown ass make-up on#idk how to explain it like i just fucking LOVE mxtx's takes on arrogance#that wwx is constantly being perceived as a show off and an incorrigible flirt and a know it all#how wwx cant always help the ways he acts out the desperation that has embedded itself into his very bones#how wwx only ever wanted to do the right thing and that having been so much of his downfall#how his worth and talent would always be eclipsed by virtue of his circumstances#how he's above needing recognition at his core but at the same time longs for an ounce of good will and positive recognition ->#how human he is despite his brilliance. how he never gets it no matter how hard he tries to be worthy.#like to me wwx is emblematic of what it means to be poor/an immigrant in high places#always villified always alien always wrong always unwelcome#no matter how clever or capable or kind youll always be an eyesore because you don't 'act right'. not 'one of them.' you never will be.#i just...the way he just wanted it all to be over by the end. the way he didnt even want to come back to life. that he was sick of it all.#im rattling the bars of my cage i love him I LOVE HIM i love him#i understand you lan wangji (and i love lwj too)#and even lan wangji too like. the way so many of their issues in the beginning stems from that self-same problem#how lwj couldn't live with his out of control feelings how he too couldn't quite lay down his pride#how lwj was also trapped by the expectations of his clan in his own way how so much of their separation was a form of penance#that the calamity of wwx's loss forced him to reconsider everything he thought he knew about himself and his life#how he was left with nothing but regret. how when wwx returns--lwj refuses to leave anything to chance this time#he refuses to let wwx be alone anymore--refuses to let him hurt himself for the sake of others refuses to just let it all happen#even if it means overstepping a boundary or propriety it doesn't matter--as long as wwx stays with him. pride be damned#god i just can't i just can't do it im biting im ripping things apart GOD#will also say the jokes about lwj being like. 'strict moral compass or BUST.' and then wwx literally committing like 17 felonies in the bg#while lwj is like 'crimes? what crimes. nothing to see here.' NEVER stops being funny. like i was pissing myself laughing#i know its a known trope but by god are they hilarious about it#also. lan qiren how many times do your nephews have to go catatonic for you to stop with the catholic guilt and repression
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anyway so im rewriting the specials to get yaz in there right and you kinda need her out of the way for wild blue yonder so im keeping her in the tardis to do the manual part of the repairs i guess but just the idea of yaz being There but Just out of sight but very much like,,,,Present, as an agent in the story, while this interaction happens:
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which is then Immediately followed by the tardis with her inside Disappearing, just lends a whole lot of fuckin,,,,,,,depth of flavour that you really dont even need to do anything for
#the hardest part of this is figuring out the donna&yaz dynamic for me#i cant write donna ive never written donna#i feel like donna would be sooort of approaching yaz like she approached martha back in s4#but i dont think yaz would be as receptive to that as martha#bc yaz. is. in much the same state as the doctor is. in terms of trauma and running on fumes and lets just keep running and not talking#except that she /didnt/ just regenerate to become weirdly honest about her affections#she still loyal devoted 'shes fine shes fine' never told anyone running from home just said goodbye to one of her best friends#And also to maybe her first real romantic love who Died But Didnt#dealing with all of that as quietly as shes dealt with alll the rest of it up till now#thrown into this situation where she knows no one and the doctor knows everyone and everyone knows the doctor but she knows no one not even#this doctor#all that just to say. i dont think she'd be very friendly with donna#polite. mostly. probably. but also having lots of feelings#that are gonna be...........difficult..........i think for all three of them to deal with#bc donna doesnt know what shes dealing with in terms of doctor/yaz#maybe she assumes a friend. or else a rose or a martha situation. bUT. yaz is none of those#yaz isnt making hearteyes or Yearning In Secret at this point yaz is grieving and also i think trying to figure out her place#shes more of a river situation. not really. comparison doesnt entirely work. but like. river in the library. vaguely#more that than the secret crush thing that it was#and the doctor knows Exactly whats going on with yaz but yknow. Busy. and they havent really had a moment alone to talk abt it#if theyre gonna talk abt it#and donna is pushing the doctor in their familiar dynamic and yaz is just sort of...........squished between that#trying to stand her ground while not even really knowing where or what that ground even IS#anyway so. tldr. Complicated#complicated dyanmic and complicated to balance so i dont sacrifice any of the doctor&donna stuff#which might happen a little anywaybc i have a clear yaz bias but im trying to mitigate it as much as i can
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minamotoz · 10 months
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"let women be evil!" yall cant even handle marisol lewis
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skunkg1rll · 2 months
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i cant stop thinking abt him... have been doing that all daynd i feel so sad nd my heart hurtsso bad nd i long for him sm it's just a bad day :((
#it's bc i saw that he#uploaded his background which was just nothing. and said that he feels empty#and a couple of months ago before i ruined it all#he said that he had me as his background#so now i feel so fkn sad#i dont know why im like this but i feel so crazy about him i wanna die#i think about him constantly and i'venever ever wanted to be with or know someone this badly#and to know that he sees me as a disappointment... and not good enough for him... and that he doesnt love me enough to wanna fix it#or even have a 'it' with me#hurts so bad#so now im just in an awful headspace...#i hate myself so much#i wish i could go back and not do what i did#i did it bc i thought it'd bring me closer to him#but i was wrong and i didnt understand that until now#and instead it caused him to think im not what he thought i was or what he wants me to be#and no matter how much i try to explain i realize thatonly i understand#bcmy brains broken and no one could ever understand why i do what i do#i am alone. always and forever i will never know closeness or intimacy#the thing is thatbefore i met him i was fine w that#i kinda longed for it but i had resigned myself to a life without it#then i met him nd it felt real nd like it could bereal for me#plus i genuinely like him sm i feel sm for him so i desperately want it w him#but then..... it turned out that im not good enough for him#it just rlly hurts that the ONLY time i've ever wanted someone#and it started w them wanting me back#who i am was a disappointment nd i fucked it up bc of a misunderstanding#that i cant clear up bc i cant make anyone understand my fucked up broken reasoning#i will bealone forever and i just wanna die
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hauntingblue · 4 months
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My theory is that corazón doesn't want law (and children) to be part of the family bc he wants to protect them so he just scares and hits them away
#which is like fucked up way to do it but 🤷🏻‍♀️#baby 5 hitting law again ahdkaj#the officials aged like milk in like 16 years damn....#so law is someone with money that lost everything kinda like doffy which his father renounced to have everything i get it i get it#oh law had a sister too ooh.....#mr baby or whatever his name is damn.... he was a dapper middle aged man#there are nuns in one piece??? so was there a jesus christ??? do you think he gets compared to ace or thats just me#very funny thay mingo tells giolla not to spread misinformation lmao#law wanting to kill corazón bc everyone else died so its not fair this asshole gets to live.... well...#when the nun said theybwere going to let the kids leave... yeah no....#talking tag#watching one piece#episode 701#jaguar d saul and the nun are the same character kinda#someone out there is going to love you no one is born to be alone/someone out there will help you and be kind to you#also trebol or diamante said that you cant win a fight with force of will and law said that exact thing to luffy....#hes gonna prove them all wrong#oh lmao even doffy and corazon there crucified like their father damn#the father explaining how they will enrich their life not like riches but like in their hearts... heart motif again#okay the father is fucking stupid lmao#yes we just moved from mariejoa and this is my government name#they lasted one (1) day ajdhask#i would hate my dad too if he was that fucking stupid lmao#now my theory is in shambles.... well cora dod protect him by not telling... i guess it mingo made his mind up he wouldn't be able to#make him change his mind#why does cora keep falling over... just a show of his kindness or is it to make the kids laugh..... bc baby 5 laughs and#pranks him with the tea always#YEEEES cora is telling law to run away form doffy bc the tenryuubitos have beef with the D.s.... two theories confirmed in one hell yeah#i need to make my one piece conspiracy board i am serious#episode 702
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fleshdyke · 1 year
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ahsgsjaugejwjg
#sh/sui warning for tags#been having a shit day and just not feeling great overall and usually drinking water and eating helps but it hasnt today :/#which means its an Actual Problem this time. like i knew it was an actual problem when i fucking cut AGAIN but idk#idk man. im just so so so scared of my friends hating me#and i know i have to see my partner again bc she is the one and only person that never ever makes me feel safe and unjudged and everything#but idk. as of right now im just not havin a great time.#like its actually so stupid the things i get upset about. there was some motivational speaker at my school today and when we got called down#to go watch the presentation i had to take like five seconds to grab my bag and phone from my desk#and my two friends got up and left together without waiting for me#and i know it wasn’t their intention and they weren’t trying to be mean or anything but man. doesnt make it hurt less yk.#and i saw some post from a guy in my school of him and his friends in the cafeteria and idk why but it made me so sad. it made me think abt#one time my friends said they wanted to walk around at lunch so i was like ok i’ll eat alone that’s fine bc i’m too disabled to walk around#the school. and then someone sent me a pic of them all eating together in the cafeteria. and i know they probably just stopped there for a#second and weren’t purposely ignoring me or anything but man that did not help yk#i want to leave them alone bc they never seem to want to talk to me but im trying to tell myself its just my mind but its so hard to#and i do love my friends and im making them seem a lot worse here than they are but its just. god im so scared.#idk. i dont actually want to die but i wish i could kms like. temporarily.#i know this is bad and manipulative but i just cant shake the want to know what would happen if i did yk. and this is a terrible train of#thought but like i want my friends to realize how scared this makes me and if i have to kms to do that. idk.#ive brought it up to them before and they pretty much told me to eat with someone else and i said i didnt have any other friends and they#kind of just said not my problem. so i dont want to bring it up again bc im mature enough to deal with my own issues and shit#it’s just hard man. i dont know how im supposed to communicate w them bc everything feels like im traumadumping on them and i dont want to#bother them. im trying to convince myself its not an issue and it doesnt actually bother me but i know it does bc i just fucking relapsed#and i had a city council thing in class today and i was the only person that was denied any funding at all and i was trying not to take it#personally and i was doing pretty good but i told my mom about it and she started defending the ppl that refused me anything and then it was#suddenly personal to me for some reason. its stupid and i know that but god that doesnt make it any better#rambles#vent
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