#and i dont know if ill be able to watch without that itching at the back of my mind constantly

[mcytegg]

im.back in the building and its burning can baconnwaffles0 please save me 🥹

[n0vazsq]

Love looks pretty on you | AL4 x Reader

pairing . . . arvid lindblad x gf!reader

summary . . . Your first time visiting a race is certainly the best one, since your boyfriend wins his home race

request . . . yes!! based on this request!

word count . . . N/A

warnings . . . none!

faceclaim . . . girls from pin and sarahli!

alexavia yaps . . . erm not my best and its kinda short but yeah </3 opening my reqs after this (probably) so yes!! ITS SO SO SO SHORT AND SHIT IM SORRY BUT I COULDNT COME UP WITH IDEAS! NOT PROOFREAD!

yourusername

liked by arvid.lindblad, yourbsf, maxverstappen1 and 89.1K others

yourusername going to my first race weekend?! i <3 being a wag

click to view all comments

username1 IM SO HYPEDDDDDDDDD TO SEE YOU THERE

username2 y/n paddock appearance?! LETS GOOOOO

username3 SO PRETTYYYY

username4 holy fuck im going to be there too

username5 gorgeous

username6 mothered so hard THE max verstappen appeared in her likes

username7 my GOD shes stunning

username8 MAX???

username9 i cant wait to see the y/n race updates

arvid.lindblad if i win then youre coming to every race

yourusername ill get expelled from school

arvid.lindblad become homeschooled

yourusername HOMEschooled not F1PADDOCKschooled

arvid.lindblad the season is nearly over and its the SUMMER HOLIDAY

yourusername well NEXT season i'll be in school

arvid.lindblad just admit you hate me

yourusername the thing is i dont

arvid.lindblad i love youuu

yourusername love you more

username10 how does it feel to be a goddess y/n

username11 their conteractions im sobbing

username12 had me on my KNEES

username13 screaming crying throwing up

username14 im giggling at their comments

username15 i need more ASAP

username16 can arvid fight

yourusername prolly not

arvid.lindblad ???

username17 PROLLY NOT Y/N ILYYY

username18 man im itching to get love like this

username19 im never shutting about this for like another 18 centuries

username20 watch her disappear for like 2 more years just to appear in the paddock again and get arvid a win

username21 stop why is max in the likes

username22 never beating the older brother allegations

username23 MEOW

username24 whos arvid im here for y/n

username25 hes her bf and the guy in the pics

username26 some random racer idk hes not important y/n is

username27 i need to know when where shes going to be so i can attach myself to her

username28 oh to be in a relationship with her

yourbsf if only i was a wag then we'd be together

yourusername sigh i know

olivergoethe hey

yourusername fuck off

arvid.lindblad LMFAO

olivergoethe this is what i get for being nice

username29 WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF WOOF

username30 DIED. DECEASED. GONE. ROTTING.

arvid.lindblad

liked by yourusername, pepemartiofficial, yourbsf and 97.8K others

arvid.lindblad DOUBLE HOME RACE WIN!!!!!

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yourusername IUHDYGHJSD MY BOY!!!!! CONGRATS I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH 🤍 🫶

arvid.lindblad THANK YOU!!! I WOULDNT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS WITHOUT YOU 🤍 I LOVE YOU MOREE

yourusername IMPOSSIBLE 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍

username31 THIS IS SO CUTE WF

username32 brbr going to hang myself

username33 MAMMA MIA IM CRYING

username34 living the dream

username35 CONGRATS

username36 sigh i wish i was her

username37 SWEDEN RAHHHHHHHH

username38 BRITIAN RAHHHHHHHHHHH

username39 INDIA RAHHHHHHHHH

username40 ARVID RAHHHHHHHHHH (i just wanted to join in)

username41 FATHERRRRR

username42 woah

username43 he ate. licked the plate clean. swallowed the table even

username44 can't wait for the next race weekend ahhhhhhhh

username45 imagine if he wins again

username46 then y/n is his good luck charm

username47 sigh i want to be as pretty as her

username48 STUNNING.

username49 they ate up everyone frrrr

username50 SPRINT AND FEATURE WIN?? THE GOAT

username51 ONGGGG

username52 FRRR

username53 the next it wag and it driver

username54 when i sleep i see them in my dreams

username55 WE NEED MORE Y/N IN THE PADDOCK FOR MORE ARVID WINS ����🔥🗣

username56 guys dont forget us when you become the no.1 racing couple

username57 THE SECOND PIC IM SOBBING THATS SO CUTEEEE

username58 id let him hit me with his car

username59 i'd let y/n hit me with his car

username60 mama y papa

yourusername has posted three new stories !

caption 1: HE DID IT RAHHHH // caption 2: won twice and thinks he wons the place // caption 3: love looks pretty on you 🤍 still love him sigh

fin.

taglist . . . @barcapix ,, @f1lover55 ,, @ilovebarcaaaa ,, @httpsdana ,, @paucubarsisimp ,, @justaf1girl ,, @awritingtree ,, @freyathehuntress ,, @chilling-seavey (lmk if you want to join the taglist!)

[hiraethwyl]

Getting to know me thing (OOC)

I was tagged by @houserosaire <3

Last Song: Ghosts of Highway 20 - Lucinda Williams

Currently Reading: I have trouble getting through things these days. Ive been working on The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. Also pretty invested on the things my friends write.

Currently Watching: I dont tend to have the attention span to follow a series properly. At this exact moment I'm watching the Institute of Human Anatomy's Youtube channel, a video on Fentanyl.

Current Obsession: For some reason Palia has really been scratching an itch in my brain lately. I'll be back on the ffxiv train come the 27th and then ill be tome collecting. I just got over a smal obsession with food growing within ffxiv for keepermiqote specifically-- i was looking at my HC on their idea of bread so I got real deep in the ideas of Amaranth and then curly dock foraging.

I've also been strangely obsessed with camper vans for some reason. Like the old school 1985 Volkswagen vanagons you find on facebook marketplace. All despite the fact i have no intentions of buying one. I think i just like the idea of being able to easily drive off and stay overnight out somewhere without having to set up a popup or something since i am pretty security minded and in a camper van if something shifty goes on outside you can just get up front and drive away.

aaaanyway..

ok im done.

not tagging anyone because i dunno whos been tagged but if you wanna pls do!

[hela-avenger]

poison & wine- part 16

Author: hela-avenger

Word Count: 1591

Summary: Prince Loki of Asgard is in need of a date to take back home. That’s where you come in with a task of your own to make the whole trip with an insufferable prince worth it. Too bad that things don’t always go as planned and you end up giving more than you can take. Fake-Dating AU.

A/N:  If you’ll like to be tagged please reach out to me!  

poison & wine masterlist

Your eyes flutter open just to find the stars on the ceiling long gone. The light of the Asgardian sunrise had cast the darkness of the room away and you wonder how early you have to wake in order to witness it in person. You make a mental note to ask the girls but are disrupted by the sound of your stomach growling. 

Loki and you had unknowingly gone to bed early and had skipped dinner. It hadn’t been your intention but you were starving now and hoped the girls would be coming by soon with breakfast. 

Recalling Loki, you look over at his side of the bed to surprisingly find him still there. He seemed to still be asleep so you try to be as quiet as can be as you start to step out of the bed.

You manage to pull the bed cover away on your own making you suspicious of foul play the night prior. As you turn back to fix it, you find yourself staring at Loki’s bare back. You dropped the cover where it was and couldn’t help but stare. 

The entirety of his back was mangled with an array of scars. Some long and jagged, others short and straight. There was a variety and you wondered how he could have survived any of them. 

You had your history of scars. 

None on you but to the people around you. 

You recall your time as an army nurse. The mangled bodies you saw on a daily basis. New and old scars that scattered around the men fighting for their loved ones back at home. You knew what could cause them and how they could heal. You knew which ones would fade away with time and which ones would remain a reminder forever. 

Loki’s back was scattered with the worst ones you’ve ever seen. Especially as you recalled that his body was meant to be able to withstand much more than a mortal body ever could. Whoever did this to him must have been very strong and the pain… You can’t even imagine the level of pain he must have felt. 

None of the scars look like they healed with care. The way his skin was discolored beyond the wound made you aware that he must have been left to deal with them on his own. Wounded, tortured, perhaps left to die. 

Someone hurt him. Someone hurt him very badly. 

Your hand itches to run your hand across his back. An ill attempt to heal something just by the pure will of it. You know it’s impossible but you wish to at least try. 

So you do... or at least you try to before you’re interrupted by Loki’s groan. He hums as he turns onto his back to stretch, his eyes fluttering open to meet yours.

“What are you doing?” Loki asks. 

You pull your hand back and try to erase the last minute away from your mind. 

“Trying to see if you were alive,” you manage to lie. “You are awfully still when asleep. It looks like you’re dead.” 

Loki stares in response. His eyes narrow down at you trying to gauge if your words were true or not. Though in the end, it didn’t matter as he shook his head and sat up. His back faces you again but the scars you had seen had disappeared. His back was bare from any of it. 

You blink and then you blink again but Loki’s back remains scar-free.

Part of you wonders if it had all been a figment of your imagination, but like the bed cover and the stars glowing in the ceiling, you knew this cover up had something to do with the use of seidr. You just didn’t know why. 

A timid knock on the door disrupts your thoughts and you are quick to shift your attention elsewhere. You reach for your robe and tug it on just as Loki stands up from the bed and reaches your side. 

“Come in,” he bellows as he swings an arm around your waist and pulls you to him. You catch yourself on his chest and you have to refrain from following your instincts which were telling you to push him away. Instead, you let your hands remain where they are as the doors begin to open. “Good morning, girls.” 

“Good morning, your majesty.” 

“Start on breakfast without me,” Loki states as he pulls away from you. “I’ll be in the library doing some light reading.” 

He winks at you and turns to your handmaidens who are trying their hardest to stare at his face. Loki only grins and snaps his fingers to dress himself alleviating the tension in the room. 

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay and eat?” you ask, capturing his attention once more. 

He turns to look at you in question and you don’t understand why you’re even offering to spend more time with him. The silence stretches out a second too long but Loki immediately fixes it by simply smiling down at you. 

“Missing me already, pet?” he asks. 

You couldn’t help but genuinely laugh at the question. 

“You know I always do,” you manage to respond sweetly. “It’s why I keep coming back to you.” 

Loki's smile manages to grow wider before he presses a kiss on your forehead. You let out your breath when the touch of his lips on your skin disappears. His hold on your face doesn’t leave as he tilts your head up so that you may look at him. 

His eyes flutter to your lips and a spike of anxiety runs through your spine at the thought of him kissing you again. 

He doesn’t. 

“I won’t be away for too long,” Loki states as he releases you. “I’ll be back to share lunch with you.”

Without another word, Loki makes his way out of your room leaving you at the care of your handmaidens.  

Loki flipped through the travel archives with exasperated boredom. He hadn’t realized how many outings were cataloged from the past century. He knew that Thor and he had taken advantage of traveling to other realms with any excuse at all. Loki was growing to regret it as each visit was written down. 

There were pages upon pages concerning Thor and his travels that Loki was having a hard time trying to narrow down other royal members who had left Asgard for whatever purpose necessary. It became more complicated as visits to Midgard were non-existent. 

It was like looking for a needle in a haystack except Loki didn’t know what the needle looked like. 

“Trouble?” 

Loki looks up from the catalog to find his mother staring down at him with an amused smile. He glances around momentarily to make sure they were alone and nods. 

“I can’t seem to find any trace of recent travel to Midgard,” Loki sighs out. “There’s too many transcriptions that it’s taking longer for me to get through them all.” 

“Hmm,” Frigga hums as she takes the book from Loki and looks through it. “Well, perhaps you should be looking through something more recent. The girl is a bit younger than this, isn’t she?” 

“I’ve started around the year of her birth but nothing appears,” Loki sighs out as he pulls the first book he started with from the stack. “So I assumed that perhaps her father arrived earlier.” 

“And you found nothing?” 

“Nothing,” Loki sighs out. “And I doubt anyone could have traveled down and stayed for longer than a century. Odin would never allow such a long visit.” 

Frigga scowls and sets the book down. 

“Well then that’s quite a problem, isn’t it?” 

Loki watches as her mother begins to pace.

“What’s wrong?” he asks her. 

“Either her father traveled through other means...” Frigga states.

“That’s impossible seeing as Midgard has travel records that indicate the Bifrost was used.”  

“Which then leaves us with another troublesome predicament,” Frigga sighs out unhappily. 

“Which is?” 

“That your father sent him down secretly.” 

“Why would Odin do such a thing?” Loki asks confused. 

“I don’t know,” Frigga shrugs. “It could have been a short banishment like your brother or perhaps another reason altogether. Either way, those records would be sealed with your father having sole access.” 

Loki lets out a heavy sigh unsure of what he was meant to do now. 

“This has become too complicated.” 

“It sure has,” Frigga agrees as she takes the seat next to him. “But for her sake, we must continue our search.” 

“How?” Loki asks. “By asking Odin?” 

“Yes, that’s…”

“No,” Loki interrupts her. “He’ll immediately want an explanation and what am I to tell him?”

“The truth, Loki.” 

“Absolutely not,” Loki exclaims. 

“Why not?” Frigga asks him. “For her safety? Or because you abhor the idea of telling the truth to your father?” 

“He’s not my father!” 

Frigga remains silent, her lips pressed together tightly. She waits for Loki to calm down watching his deep breaths return to a normal pace. He realizes his overreaction and turns to face her apologetically.

“I do not need to rely on that man more than I already have to,” Loki states. “I will find Y/N’s father and keep her safe on my own.” 

Frigga lets out a sigh knowing there was no way to convince him otherwise. 

“Then so be it,” Frigga resigns. “But whatever shall you do now?” 

Loki didn’t have an answer to her question. His only hope relied on you and so that was the only path he could take at the moment.

poison & wine tag: @damalseer​ @just-the-hiddles​ @jessiejunebug​ @nonsensicalobsessions​ @smollest-soybean​ @assassinoftheworld​ @readerbandit​ @doyoufeelikeayounggod​ @strangemcuvlogs​ @ha-tep​ @i-dont-know-eiither​ @gene-king​ @day-dreaming-fox​ @bn-studies​ @is-it-madness​ @sigyn-njorddottir​ @devilbat​ @victor-criss-bish​ @skinny-macncheese​ @musicconversedance​ @baby-bunnyxn​ @fandoms-allovertheplace​ @marvelloonie​ @jinxjinxednova​ @queenmuahaha​

Loki Tag: @unicorniorosacomefrutillas​ @thesilentbluesparrow​ @oddly-drawn-muse​ @josiehosiedaninja​ @hp-hogwartsexpress​ @sadwaywardkid​ @wolf-lover74​

All Works Tag: @jmb959​ @astudyoftimeywimeystuff​ @hellocookiecutter​ @steve-rogers-personal-hell​ @buckybarnesyard​ @not-zari-tak

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

[apriorisea]

BTS Imagine: Insecure - Hoseok

You exhale in relief as you kick off your heels inside the door of the apartment: work had been kicking your butt lately and you were excited for the weekend. A whole 2 days of absolutely nothing except hanging out with your boyfriend and NOT thinking about work. You rub the back of your neck. “Hobi?”    “In here,” he calls from the bedroom.    You smile automatically as you pull off your least-favorite work blazer; you hadn’t realized until just this moment how much you’ve missed him. Your schedules seemed so out of sync lately, to the point where you’d had to turn down his dinner invitation a few times; you’d even missed accompanying him to a music-show taping. In the 7 months the two of you had been together, you hadn’t ever missed even one.    He’s sitting cross-legged on the bed, his computer in front of him, in comfy joggers and his favorite hole-y hoodie. He smiles up at you. “Hi angel,” he says brightly. “How are you?”    “So tired,” you groaned, flopping onto the bed. He immediately adjusts so you can rest your head against his thigh, one of his hands going to stroke your hair automatically. “Why do I keep going back to that place??”    He makes a soft, pitying clucking sound. “Because you love it. Usually.”    You sigh at his reminder and curl into a ball, closing your eyes tight as if that can make his rational statement evaporate. “I guess. But now I have the whole weekend off—-2 whole days without having to worry about deadlines or anything else!”     “That’s good. What do you want to do with all your time off?”     “Sleep and eat and watch dumb TV shows and sleep some more!” You open your eyes when he only makes a quiet ‘hmm’ in response. You roll over to look up at him. “What about you? How was your day?”     He shrugs and looks away from you for the first time. “It was fine. Nothing special.”     You trace the pattern of the logo on his joggers. “Well how about your week? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. How was the taping?”    “Good! You know how much we like going on that show—always an experience.”    “Oh yeah?” you ask, hungry for information. “What happened this time?”    He lifts one shoulder in another half-shrug. “Oh, you know, we made our way through it. I only had to yell at Jin-hyung once.”    You hesitate. It was an answer, but not a real one: you both knew that Hoseok didn’t have to yell at Jin very much anymore. It was clearly a joke, an old one that you hadn’t heard for a long time. “Oh…” you say more slowly. “Nothing else? That host was so rude to you guys last time!”    “Yeah, that was crazy,” he says. “But, you know, it was good. Nothing we can’t handle!”    This makes you frown. “So you’re saying he suddenly got a million times more respectful? Because—”    “It really was fine, angel,” he interrupts you. “What do you want for dinner? Are you hungry? I think some of the guys might be doing pizza night at Jimin’s, if you want?”     You sat up abruptly, knocking his hand away from your hair as you did. “Pizza night with the guys?” you repeat. Something is wrong. The two of you hadn’t been able to hang out alone for the last week, and he’s offering up pizza night with the guys? You look at him carefully.    “Sweetie? Everything okay?”    He doesn’t lose his pleasant expression and that’s when it hits you in the gut: this was the old Hoseok, the one from your first and second and third dates, the one who wasn’t sure how much to trust you, the one who held back from revealing too much, who kept it light and shied away from anything too real. This wasn’t your Hoseok, this was J-Hope, noted sunshine and happy virus from the most popular boy band in the world. The realization stings. “Hoseok…” you say slowly. “I’m really sorry I missed the taping. I wanted to be there, you know I did, I just…my stupid partner at work made another dumb mistake and so I had to fix his mess. I really am sorry.”    He smiles (again) and shrugs (again). “It’s really okay.” He reaches out to close his laptop. “So, what do you think about dinner? We could also go to the ramen place on the corner.”    The busiest and loudest restaurant in the neighborhood. You swallow down your hurt, trying to figure out what could have happened to make him react like this. “Do you not want to be alone with me?” The blunt question rushes out of your mouth in one breath, the words slurring together.    “What??” he blinks in astonishment, but unfortunately for him, you’ve grown too accustomed to his for-the-camera reactions. “Why would you say that? I’m just feeling like some tasty ramen, that’s all.”    You stare him down, waiting for him to break. When he doesn’t, you say, “You guys are filming the new dance practice video on Sunday, aren’t you? How is it going?”    “Oh.” He can’t maintain eye contact. “It’s fine. Great, I mean, you should see the outfit Tae is planning to wear!”    “So you’re not worried about how sloppy the bridge looks anymore?”     “Nah.” He brushes it off with a grin. “We’ll make it work—we always do!”    Another idol-ism. You grind your back teeth in frustration, then go in for the kill. “I was talking to Yoongi yesterday: he said you strained your shoulder during the taping. Is it okay?”     “Of c—”     “Knock it off.” You couldn’t take it anymore. “What is the matter??”     He shifts uncomfortably; you notice that he doesn’t move the strained shoulder very much. “Nothing, angel, I—”     “You’re lying to me,” you accuse. “You haven’t answered any of my questions. This isn’t a real conversation, this is–this is—” You can’t find the right words, so you go for the easiest ones. “This is you being an Idol instead of a boyfriend.”    He looks hurt, but can’t actually deny it. “I—” The edges of his mask start to crack, and in-between the lines you see the real him.    You feel some of your frustration disappear when you see the hurt in his face. You duck your head to catch his eyes, and reach out for him; when your hand lands gently on his shoulder, he winces, and you lean forward automatically. “Hobi,” you say softly. “What is going on?” You move your hand to touch the side of his face and feel him break.    His face crumples. “You don’t love me anymore,” he breathes.    “Excuse me?” You feel your jaw drop slightly. “How exactly did you come up with that?”    He shrugs—you notice that it’s the uninjured shoulder that moves—and the first little tear escapes. “I don’t–I don’t know. You’ve just been gone so much, and I-I know how nice you are, angel, you’d never want to hurt anybody, so I figured…I figured you were just letting me down easy, slowly distancing yourself because you don’t love me anymore, and I just, I didn’t know what to do.”    You take this in slowly: this week must have been even harder for him that you had realized. Between the shoulder injury, the uncomfortable taping, the time spent apart, and the pressures of the job, he had obviously been running himself down and was now at the end of his energy. You felt bad that you hadn’t seen it sooner. Taking a small breath, you lean in and press your lips gently, but firmly, against his cheek. “Okay,” you say as you straighten. “Lay down, sweetheart.”   He looks over at you in surprise.    “Go on,” you encourage, scooting off the bed and putting his computer away for him. “Make sure your shoulder is comfortable.” You give him a look until he follows your instructions, then hurry down the hall to get a heating pad. You wait impatiently while the microwave does its job, every part of you itching to go back to him. When it’s finally done, you go back to the room to find him sitting back against a mountain of pillows, his shoulder supported carefully. You climb onto the bed next to him and set the heating pad gently against his shoulder, wincing with him empathetically. “So,” you say softly, brushing his hair out of his face. “You’ve had a rough week, huh?”    He doesn’t answer, still trying to pull himself together.    You sigh and lean in to kiss him. His eyes close slowly. You smile as you feel his arm wrap around you to hold you in place. After a long moment, you pull away and brush through his hair again. “You really think I don’t love you?” Before he can answer, you add, “I’m really sorry I haven’t been around lately. It killed me not to be at the taping, and I’m so sorry you hurt your shoulder.” You readjust the heating pad.    “I love you, angel,” he says quietly, his hand still resting on your lower back. “I don’t know why I got so crazy, I just….”    “I think you’ve had a long week,” you reassure him. “And…this is the first week we’ve spent completely apart, so maybe this was good.” He scoffs under his breath and you smile. “Okay, not good, but we survived it, right?”    He tugs you down next to him, curling his arm around you. “Barely,” he admits, turning to kiss the side of your head. You feel him wince again as the movement hurts his shoulder.    “For the record,” you say after a second, “One of the best moments of my life so far was when you started opening up to me, when I became your best friend, when I fell in love with you. So when you shut down like that….”    “I’m sorry,” he says immediately. “You are my very best friend,” he adds earnestly. “And I love you more than anything. I’ll be better from here on out.”    You shake your head. “You don’t have to be ���better”–just be you.”    He rests his head against yours, content and relaxed again. “Promise.”

[moonstruck-ffxiv-blog]

(ft @drakenblut)

Warning: long post

[19:10]Louis Chamberlain || How many moons has it been since that fateful day deep inside the Children of the Dawn’s ritual chamber? Six moons. Yes. It has been at good six moons. Louis’ injuries -that had almost killed him- took a long, *long* time to heal. The first week had been a constant battle against a nasty infection that kept cropping up. Pus and necrosis eating away his flesh at an alarming rate (cursed those denizen of the Void!), and if the young man barely survived his encounter with the Lady, --

[19:10]Louis Chamberlain: that week had come very, very close to permanently end him.

[19:10]Louis Chamberlain || For now, he was stable. He has been for the past three moons. On his chest, where previously there was bone showing, only a faint scar was left. Muscles had been mend, bones had regrown and skin regenerated. He was still asleep. Still asleep and refusing to wake up. At least he was alive.

[19:10]Louis Chamberlain opened his eyes. “Alveus! T-The Lady! It’s a trap!” Quick! He had to warn him! If he was to get him, it was the end of all! It has been a ploy all this time! And Abigail! Oh, Echidna, Queen of Monsters, help him! Where was Hawk? He had to find him!

[19:18]The Hawk had been taking care of the other man the entire time , it had been tedious work and at some point he had thought about merely discarding Louis. But it had been only for some minutes before that thought was put away , no. He had some piece of humanity still in him. So Potions he gave him , checked up upon him daily and tried to ignore Zaz  most of the time. But even despite his best attempts progress was slow , even with how time easily flew by for Alveus due to the repetition of everyday >

[19:18]The Hawk | work. Even today was no else , he had checked up upon Louis after waking up and tended to his work and own source of food. And after all that he had returned back home , took a long bath and dried off his hair with a towel. He had just barely put his clothes back on when he heard the sudden scream of Louis. With a decent pace he made his way upwards , the mask discarded in the safety of his home and long strands of brown hair , that had grown a lot in the past months draped over his >

[19:18]The Hawk | shoulder and face. "You are awfully loud." , the voidsent spoke , the gaze of those golden eyes seemingly stronger than before. In general he had changed , his aura had too.

[19:21]Louis Chamberlain: “-W-What?” He tried to sit in the bed he was left in. He couldn’t. What was going on? He couldn’t move? He wiggled his fingers: they obeyed, albeit very weakly and very slowly. “But, but, but… But.” (He shivered. There was something… different about his friend.) “We have… Abigail. It’s.. we can’t stay here. And I can’t move!”

[19:25]The Hawk merely watched the struggle of the other before he shook his head. "Stop panicking." , it sounded more like a command than actual concern , feet carrying the taller voidsent besides the mans bed and settling down there. "Abigail is dead , so is most of the cult." , it was the sad reality Alveus had been faced with , and even if her dead still weighted heavy on him there was nothing he could turn back time with. His words were oddly cold , lips pressed into a thin line as he stared at Louis.>

[19:25]The Hawk | "You were out for months. Are you in any pain?"

[19:29]Louis Chamberlain flinched at the news and this was akin to a slap to the face. He quickly calmed down, confliction emotions passing on his face.  “N...No. I feel okay. No pain.” Silence. He had no idea what to say. “You don’t look okay. You’re… um. I don’t know. Not like you were before… Was it really moons? I slept all this time!”

[19:29]You express your worry with The Hawk.

[19:34]The Hawk tilted his head at him , listening to the concern in Louis voice. "Six - and you should rather be concerned about your own health." Golden eyes looked him over , the other seemed fine enough. No bleeding , no sign of sudden death that could occur. It would be a loss if Louis would now die after the work he had put into him. "I am most well , unlike you." , Alveus hums softly - the hint of violet swirling in his eyes , hidden away like the sheer power of the brown haired.

[19:40]Louis Chamberlain wiggled his fingers again, trying to close his fist. He couldn’t do it. That. That was very concerning. Will he ever be able to hold a bow ever again? “I-I’m so sorry.” (He wasn’t sure why he was apologizing.) “You took care of my all this time… It must… and Abigail is dead. I couldn’t do anythin’. We got played like a g-godsdamn fiddle. And all of that for the Heart of Sammy that wasn’t even existin’.” (He bit his lower lip.) “I can’t sit.”

[19:43]The Hawk stayed silent , only letting out a gentle sigh at the end of Louis speech. "Its not your fault. I agreed to come with them." , it was the truth. If he had merely denied and killed them off right at the spot and would have told Abigail this would have never happened. Yet the fear of her discovering what he is brought this all to an bloody end. "You're pushing yourself too quick. Dont rush it."

[19:46]Louis Chamberlain: “How can I hunt if I can’t move? Do you think I’ll ever…” (He let his voice trailed off.) “...be like before? Or did I change forever? I-I don’t want to change!”

[19:49]The Hawk | "Youre panicking again." Brown hair falls into the mans face as he shakes his head at the concern of Louis. It is a concept that was hard to grasp for him , emotions are a thing he is still learning. Yet the basic understanding is what he misses. "I cant tell you if you do or not. Besides - " , he eyes him. " - you only need Aether to survive."

[19:52]You ponder over The Hawk.

[19:52]Louis Chamberlain || Oh. His predatory nature. Aether. That was a subject he didn’t wish to get into so he didn’t. Then, he realized. A bit *late*, but he realized. “You’re not wearin’ your mask anymore. I… I can see your face. Where did it go?”

[19:56]The Hawk | Louis wasnt very fast when it came to things , especially how Alveus had been looking at him the entire time. "Its downstairs." , he  nods his head towards the general direction. "We're at my home , so I have no reason to wear it." , that seemed like a good enough explanation the voidsent could give the other. Overall the assassin looked - well , different. Of course he would with the lack of a mask. Black Tattoos curving under the intense golden eyes that were also adorned with slight >

[19:56]The Hawk |  dark circles , a ruffle on the mans chin and a large scar spanning over his face - by the looks of it it was very old.

[20:02]Louis Chamberlain ‘s lips made a soft “O” shape. “Oh, yeah. That would explain this.” (He looked toward the sky.) “Did you know I thought you had Moonrot and this why you were wearin' a mask all this time? People say it’s not a real disease and even it doesn’t exist but I don’t agree. It’s just very rare. Even if I never personally saw anyone with it. Uuuummmh, in any case… It’s nice to see your face.” (There were more attempts of him wiggling, none were very succesful.) “You have-

[20:02]Louis Chamberlain: a scar.”

[20:07]The Hawk | Just slightly did a eyebrow rose at the  mention of Moonrot  , it was something he had never heard before.  But Alveus also didn't care much for mundane illnesses. As long as he can remember he never had them since the change of both body and mind. "Yes." , a hand reaches out to graze fingertips against the scarred skin before letting the hand drop once more. Just sometimes he bothered to look into a mirror. "It is from the ritual." , he answers before Louis can ask , he knows the other>

[20:07]The Hawk | will most likely.

[20:13]Louis Chamberlain: “The ritual…” (Something dark passed into his eyes.) “I remember… My chest. It hurt. I could see my bones.” Awkwardly, Louis managed to look down, examining himself. Everything was there. Everything except for this scar, zigzagging all over his torso, ending at the base of his neck. “Can’t believe I saw what was inside of my this day. T-That was scary.”

[20:13]Louis Chamberlain || It was at this moment something pink and  m o i s t decided to come visit. It was Zaz, squishing itself under the door little interstice. That Voidsent had no bone, or if it had, they could collapse at will. <We sensed you, rousing from your slumber, big brother. We come. For you. We should partake in live flesh to celebrate your awakening.>

[20:18]The Hawk | "No. Not that Ritual." , he hums once more - looking at the scar that Louis now had. He had seen it first hand , how flesh was eaten away to reveal bone. Seconds later without Alveus acting and the other would most likely be dead by now. "They are right." , the voidsent muses at Zaz's words. "You need to get aether into your body , it could help with your movement issues." He eyes the companion of Louis , never knowing what it was up to most of the time. "I can bring you some."

[20:22]Louis Chamberlain lied, as usual, it wasn’t a subtle or natural: “Oh? No, no, no I’m not hungry. D-Don’t get too bothered by that. I’ll, um… Spoken food is fine.” Zaz made a strange sound, something akin to a “tut-tut”, Voidsent version. <Stubborn and dumb. This experience has not changed you. No, it has. You are as helpless as a Vilekin larva>

[20:26]The Hawk | For once Alveus could agree with Zaz , if only Louis would mature some and realize that he needed Aether to survive. "I will bring you some later , or would you rather want to die and never move again?" , it sounded almost cruel how the voidsent said it , yet it was a truth that Louis had to accept at some point of his life. "Im sure your friend is hungry to feast upon your body once you are dead."

[20:29]Louis Chamberlain: “I-I-I…” He tried to say something no argument could come out of his lips. He was starving. He hasn’t eaten, Aether that is, in six moons and the itch! The Hunger! It was so painful! “Bring someone… mean. A killer. A killer just like me.”

[20:34]The Hawk sighed , eyes closing for some seconds , of course Louis wanted someone not innocent. But a Murderer he could find , Eorzea had many of those. "I'll bring you somewhere better to eat." , he muses. He liked to keep most of his nonspoken food somewhere better to clean. Immediately arms wrapped around the much smaller body of the man , picking him up was easy and the assassin already made his way downstairs.

[20:37]Louis Chamberlain had one reaction: panic. “H-Haaah, y-you’re carrying me! Oh Scathach q-queen of the night! We’re really going! But, um… Aah, my horns! What if people see me!”

[20:41]The Hawk rose an eyebrow at Louis and his - well , colorful palette of words. "We're not going outside." , he answers the others question. In fact , this room was one of the few of the many that Hawk seemed to possess , and moving out of the door just revealed stone corridors , easily noticeable to be from Thanalan. So that meant that they were still somewhat hidden. The cave system was slightly intricate , but easy to recognize if one walked often along here. So Hawk merely brought him to another >

[20:41]The Hawk | room , leading stairs down to a place somewhat darker.

[20:43]Louis Chamberlain: “Oh…” This, however, was bringing more questions than answers. “Do you keep people in caves or…? Where are we, exactly?”

[20:47]The Hawk shook his head slightly. His hair was finally starting to dry after the bath and shower he took. "The entirety is build into a mountain. I live here. It is more convenient." And in fact he did use this room quite frequently , the harsh smell of umbral Aether and his own scent lingering heavy in every crook and cranny. Here and there were the hint of something red , claw marks lining the wall. It is obvious that Hawk spends the time he is here not how he looks right now. Slowly he moves to >

[20:47]The Hawk | the Chair close to the fire , setting Louis down and making sure he wouldnt fall.

[20:51]Louis Chamberlain: “That place smells like you. My home just smells like wet dog and dirt. All the gil on the ground is, um, it’s cozy,” He slumped into the chair, having no muscle tonus whatsoever. That was what being in the coma for six moons doing to one’s body.

[20:56]The Hawk watched how Louis slumped into the chair. At least he wasn't falling onto the ground  and laid there. Which was already more than what he was expecting. "Then you should be more clean -- and kill more." , its a weird tip he gives the other but it is what made the place smell like him. And well , of course rubbing his scales over the furniture. But he wouldnt say that. One had to get dead skin off <somehow>.

[20:58]Louis Chamberlain smiled awkwardly. “Ah, uum, I’ll keep that in mind.” <And do it,> screeched Zaz, that followed them. <We wish to see the day you rise above, dear brother. You have the potential for darkness. A pity of what you do with your own skin.>

[21:03]The Hawk nodded towards Zaz , he was right. Louis surely could be much stronger - he had potential for more. Yet how scared he was he just held himself back. "Ill go and bring you your food." , he said with that usual monotone voice of his. Alveus didnt need to tell Louis to stay here and wait , the possibility of the other voidsent even moving to the door was very low.  "In the worst case you can still eat your companion , shall your hunger be more." And with those words he was already out of the >

[21:04]The Hawk |  door  , the soft steps of his boots upstairs echoing against the stone walls.

[21:07]Louis Chamberlain sighed, sinking into deeper in the huge chair. He felt it was eating him; will he still be there when Alveus was to return or would he has disappeared in the leather of the recliner? “Y-You guys…” He didn’t finish his sentence. If he had the strength to shrug, he would have. “Nevermind.”

[21:10]The Hawk returned soon after , perhaps it took around half an hour or more till Alveus boots were easily heard , the sound of the man dragging something behind him clear in the cavern walls together with the clink of metal of his own armor he had put back on. When the voidsent entered the room he was wearing his old armor again , hints of blood on it. His hair was dry now too , tied together at the back ,and facial features once more hidden by an onyx mask. The man he had dragged in , a bit older >

[21:10]The Hawk | than Louis seen by his facial features was definitely a thief , judging from the worn clothes and scars. He was unconscious , so it was easy for Alveus to drag him in front of Louis - holding him up by his collar. "Here."

[21:14]Louis Chamberlain was STARVING and that time he didn’t hesitate. If he could, he would have jumped on that man, to tear his Aether from his body. Instead, slow, awkward, weak, he took a while to finally clutch his prey. When he did, no remorse. No second thought. Lips against lips, he sucked every bit of lifeforce out of that poor sod. Aaaaaah. He could feel it. Aether rushing thought him. It *was* making him better. “D-D’you think it’s weird I kiss so many guys on the mouth?”

[21:21]The Hawk only watches with mild interest how Louis takes the  life of the man without much hesitation like he had done so before. It was only natural after the lack of Aether how hungry the other voidsent was.  "Its how you survive. Why would it be weird?" , the tilts of the masked face hides the slight confusion on his features. Yet it is a genuine question Alveus asks Louis  , interested why he thought it would be weird to survive.

[21:24]Louis Chamberlain: “I… Y-Yeah, you’re right. I wonder why it has to be this way it’s… It’s embarrassin’, don’t you think? K-Kissin’ strangers all the time.” (Somber.) “And killing them. I guess it means I’ll never kiss someone I love. They’ll die if I do.”

[21:27]The Hawk  | Its an interesting thought , yet love was something Alveus himself had never thought of much. It was a concept even harder than normal emotions for him to understand. Was he even capable of such? Yet loving a monster - none would or could. And Alveus was fine with spending the rest of his life utterly alone. "There is plenty of other things mates can do , shall you find one."

[21:33]Louis Chamberlain tensed up, feeling heat flushing his cheeks and his ears. Did Alveus meant…? OF COURSE HE MEANT THAT. “W-W-W-W-Weeeeeellllll, uuuuuuuuum, y-yeaaaaah,  I’ll… When… Y’know… Stuff. Erm.” He scratched the tip of nose. Ah! His arm! It moved. Was Aether all he really needed? Looks like Hawk was right. Feeding was accelerating the healing process. “Have you seen that?!?”

[21:36]The Hawk head was still tilted towards the side , watching the color on Louis face spread. "Or do you gain aether trough that way too?  , genuine interest lingered in his voice. He knew not much about other voidsent , never truly meeting them or trying to stay out of their way , living his own life. "If I have seen it? Yes , the process of mating is not unknown to me , I come across the sight often." , he answers - taking the question Louis gave him in a other concept.

[21:43]Louis Chamberlain blinked. By the Abyss! Him wanting to change the subject for something less… squishy and it was back on the table. “I-I don’t know if I take Aether that way, I never tried it. I… I have no one to try anyway and I guess I’ll never know. But if my kiss kills I don’t see why my… um m-mating wouldn’t either.”  Oh! No! He didn’t wish to know how many times Hawk had sexual encounters! Ah, too late he had already imagined it! Cast away the cursed picture in his brain! Some-

[21:43]Louis Chamberlain: sweat beaded on his forehead, he tensed his jaw. “H-Hah, did you? You had many lovers then? Good for you, hahaha…”

[21:48]The Hawk | "So certain bodily contact drains Aether from your prey." , its not a question , more of a statement born from Alveus interest and Louis answer to that. "Perhaps you can simply control it." At the talk of his own lovers a brow rose beneath the onyx  mask. "No. The Hunger I would have would easily kill any mate. And there is nothing beneficial that comes from me mating." He was none to go out and find someone to mate , it seemed pointless for the Hyur like voidsent. "I can gain mine Aether>

[21:48]The Hawk | merely by eating alone." , no need in pointless acts of sex.

[21:53]Louis Chamberlain looked away, brow furrowed in confusion. “Maybe I can control it. Maybe I can’t. What I know is I never managed to do it so far. If I touch someone, I’ll kill them. N-Not immediately but I will. I find kissing is the most efficient and, um… That’s what my instinct tells me to do.”

[21:57]The Hawk could see with the lack of Louis being able to turn into something more monstrous that it was easier for him to take Aether by a kiss , Alveus on the other hand could not do so. "Perhaps it is one of the things you should train if you want to find a Mater later on." , the brown haired suggest , not minding talking about it. For him it was like talking about the weather.

[22:01]Louis Chamberlain tried to smile but the only thing he managed to do was cringe. It was that grin-wince on the lips, he said: “Haa-aah? M-Maybe?” (There was tensed, nervous laugh.) “I don’t think it will happen but I-I’ll keep an eye out. For a, um, *mater*.” (He exhaled loudly.) “Weh! What an a-amazing discussion! I should get back to Amdapor, I guess in six moons, everything had regrown around the camp...” He focused all of his strength to get up. Which he did. Then promptly fell flat on-

[22:01]Louis Chamberlain:  his face.

[22:06]The Hawk watches Louis fall onto the ground with a thud , and there he lay face first. A gloved hand reached out towards the back of the others shirt to pull him back up and push him back onto the plush chair. "In your condition you can not return if you want to survive. Ill bring you back to the bed." Or what Alveus considered a bed , it was more a comfortable pile of many pillows and blankets. A nest almost.

[22:08]Louis Chamberlain: “I’m sorry to be a bother. I-I’ll do my best to get well and leave as soon as I can.” (A moment.) “I-I’m tired. I think I’ll nap. For a little bit. If you don’t mind…”

[22:10]The Hawk | "I dont mind. And you are no bother , no more than the other people that have stayed here beforehand." Or should he rather say the people he had kidnapped? Perhaps not. Louis was no prisoner here. So scooping the other voidsent  back up into his arms he moved back to the main room with him and up the stairs.

[22:14]Louis Chamberlain wanted to answer but he had nothing to say. Except, maybe, one word. “Thanks. I’ll make it up for you, I swear. I can do stuff too. Y-You’ll see.”

[22:16]The Hawk sighed once he had set Louis down in the nest , even pulling the blanket up over his body and grabbing a nearby floating Zaz - squishing him beside Louis like a weird plush toy. "Rest , I can take care of my own."

[lovebunnie]

nick carraway and jay gatsby are both gay and heres why

its 11:30 at night and i have class tomorrow but ive been itching to make this post for about a week so im gonna do it. this wont be centered as much around jay and nick being in LOVE, since id have to read and analyze it a bit more to make honest to god claims and opinions for that, but these r some of the reasons that point to both of these characters being completely gay. also, im going to be issuing some points from others sources, but ill include links to the original texts which i recommend reading!

1

so the great gatsby was written in 1925, a time full of alcohol, financial bliss, and parties like u would not believe. many of these themes are prevalent in the novel, making themselves known all throughout. even the term ‘gatsby-like’ is extremely well known. needless to say, this book is extremely well known in every front. one of the ones i saw the most was calling the great gatsby ‘the greatest love story ever written.’ and before i read the novel myself, i wouldnt have been able to tell u any different. but when u read it, and really, how u analyze it, really shapes how u see the characters. to some people, it really could be an amazing love story. but to me, this story is written about someone obsessed with a facade, denying himself who he is, and a man who watches his downfall and can do nothing to stop him.

one very important thing to acknowledge is how this novel is told: its told completely in nicks perspective. we only know how he feels, we only know these characters based on how nick sees them. it is immediately biased towards nick. and what he does is describe a hell of a lot of people. but it is very distinctive in the way he does it; men and women are very differently described.

nick describes daisy in her voice and the power it has over people. all of nicks flowery language goes into daisys speech, but not in great length about what daisy looked like. with jordan, nick does a bit more describing in the way she is ‘small-breasted’ and had the ‘shoulders of a young cadet.’ these traits are masculine, and we know from the novel that nick does enjoy jordans company and he does say he ‘enjoys looking at her.’ hell, even the name ‘jordan’ is traditionally masculine. nick sees jordan leaning more towards masculinity than femininity. but even still, the flowery language is not as grand as it could be, not as we know nick can get.

its when nick is describing men that things get bold and expressive. even while describing tom does nick go into great and intimate length with him;  ‘ He had changed since his Haven years. Now he was a sturdy straw haired man of thirty with a rather hard mouth and a supercilious manner. Two shining arrogant eyes had established dominance over his face and gave him the appearance of always leaning aggressively forward. Not even the effeminate swank of his riding boots could hide the enormous power of that body he seemed to fill those glistening boots until he strained the top lacing, and you could see a great pack of muscle shifting when his shoulder moved under his thin coat. It was a body capable of enormous leverage -- a cruel body’ the author of this paper literally said this passage ‘pulses with sexual energy,’ and this is for a character nick doesnt even like. it obviously means more in the way nick describes him, has more heart and passion put into it.

and now gatsby, who nick, in the final chapters, dwells on even more. we know gatsby is attractive, that much we can tell without nick even really having to describe him. but even in a single paragraph about his smile does it provoke more feeling than anything else about daisy or jordan;  ‘ He smiled understandingly-- much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you might come across four or five times in your life. It faced --or seemed to face-- the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself, and assured you that it had precisely the impression of you that, at your best, you hoped to convey.’

like. damn nick. this is only about gatsbys smile. this was no accident or cruel twist of fate; nick is enamored with jay and obviously finds him attractive and also enjoys looking at him, like jordan. nick sees men and women differently. this could be chocked up to ‘it was the olden days’ and ‘sexism,’ but nick isnt rude to these women, nick is simply not interested in them, at all.

but how do we know nick is gay? wheres the textual proof? its written out word for word, you just have to know where to look. and where to look is at the very end of chapter 2.

so chapter 2 does a lot for the plot; it basically introduces nick to the life these people live and makes him see how unappealing it is. we meet a large cast of characters and expand on others, like myrtle, her sister, and most importantly to the subject of nicks sexuality, mr. mckee.

mr. mckee is described as a ‘pale feminine man’ and nick offhandedly describes the smudge of shaving cream on his cheek. weird right? later in the night, nick describes himself as ‘ Taking out my handkerchief I wiped from his cheek the remains of the spot of dried lather that had worried me all the afternoon.’ nick has been LOOKING at this married man all night and cleaned him up when he was messy like come ON. plus, a ‘pale feminine man’ could very easily be a stereotype of a gay man, especially in the 1920s.

but then comes the most important part about nicks sexuality in the entire book: the ellipses.

the great gatsby is relatively short, only about 200 pages or so, give or take. fitzgerald would not include anything he wouldnt need, as he is also an expert in metaphors and making things seem as they are not. everything is masterfully placed and paced, making it seem to flow like water. 

the scene in question describes mr. mckee and nick on an elevator, leaving the party. mr. mckee walked out, leaving his wife, and nick decided to follow. heres the scene:

Come to lunch some day,” he suggested, as we groaned down in the elevator.

“Where?”

“Anywhere.”

“Keep your hands off the lever,” snapped the elevator boy.

“I beg your pardon,” said Mr. McKee with dignity, “I didn’t know I was touching it.”

“All right,” I agreed, “I’ll be glad to.”

. . . I was standing beside his bed and he was sitting up between the sheets, clad in his underwear, with a great portfolio in his hands.

“Beauty and the Beast . . . Loneliness . . . Old Grocery Horse . . . Brook’n Bridge. . . . ”

Then I was lying half asleep in the cold lower level of the Pennsylvania Station, staring at the morning Tribune, and waiting for the four o’clock train.

LIKE. WHAT.

those ellipses separate the time between nick and mr. mckee on the elevator and nick and mckee at his home, with one in underwear and then nick leaving for the train at 4am. there is a large gap of time missing from this, and nick decided to leave it out while fitzgerald decided to keep it in. it means something, and the use of ellipses gives the audience enough to know what is happening without explicitly telling them. it is the authors ‘wink wink nudge nudge’ to the audience. think of the environment nick was in; tom was cheating with myrtle, the heavy metaphor of the eyes watching over the sins we think no one can see. this party was full of mischief and nick fucked a married man.

mckee does not seem intoxicated, he invites nick out to lunch while gripping the elevator handle, which are always objects shaped like dicks. plus in the novel, the scene does feel somewhat out of place; nick does not spend too much time discussing the interactions between mckee and himself, it seems thrown in. i get the impression that nick almost didnt want to include it it his writing, and put it in last minute. however, nick is fictional and i dont have much to go on off from an almost 100 year old book. its open to personal interpretation, but it seems like nick and mckee had sex and nick left on the 4am train, leaving mckee in his underwear at his own home looking through his pictures.

even at the beginning of the novel, nick is planning on living in a house with another man before the plan falls through and he goes to washington dc. could this be a failed boyfriend? we cant say. but it is a possibility.

nick carraway ends the novel mourning his friend jay gatsby, moving back to the midwest alone and away from the glitz and glam of new york. his ending does not involve getting married and having kids and riding off into the sunset, which seems bittersweet for our narrator. however, given the way things planned out for other characters, this is the best ending we could hope for for nick, one away from the destruction and one where he can at least begin to to to be happy again.

and now we move onto jay.

ill admit, this has little to do with textual evidence; i cant point out a place where jay fucks a dude or describe the way jay sees men and women; with nick being our narrator, again, he only know his perspective. but we do hear things about jay from other characters, how he acts and acted before nick and the type of man he is.

wolfshiem describes jay as ‘ very careful about women. He would never so much as look at a friend’s wife.’ this means that jay knows women and knows when to back off, never advancing on someone he had no claim to. this is very important to me for several reasons.

1. it implies jay is not a cheater

2. it implies jay has been around enough women to know who is who

3. it shows jay is respectful

this also says to me that jay is not bi; he only has eyes for daisy, and not other woman. and those eyes for daisy are questionable.

we know daisy and jay had last seen each other 5 years prior to the events of the novel. in that time, jay had collected numerous things about daisy, built a house just so he could see her, and blew thousands of dollars every weekend for parties in hope that daisy would show up, even obtaining money illegally just to impress daisy.

jay gatsby is obsessed with daisy.

this is obvious from the text, the behaviors he puts forward are strange and creepy in pursuit of daisy. gatsby stares longingly out the window, cant hold a conversation with nick, and flat out bolts out of a restaurant to avoid embarrassment. he is an awkward guy, no doubt. and he lives his life as trying to be someone else, specifically, the man he thinks daisy wants from 5 years ago. when the car crashes with myrtle, all gatsby cares about is how daisy feels; when hes literally about to get ganked all he thinks about is daisy, daisy daisy daisy.

this isnt love, and i think deep down, jay knows it. this is the equivalent of dudebros who go above and beyond to prove they arent gay but end up the most gay of them all. gatsby is compensating for his feelings and trying to push the limit to deny himself more and hide back into the closet. he wants to seem the most manly he can get and basically say ‘wow i love women! i love women so much! look what i did for this woman! look at how much i love her!’

daisy is the first person jay felt he could be himself around, could begin to feel happy. and when he went to war, he no longer had something to push all his feelings onto. plus he was surrounded by other men, and for someone so in denial about their own sexuality, it probably drives them to pretty bad places. pretty obsessive places. he needs daisy, not because he loves her, but because he needs to security blanket. he needs to feel validated.

those glaces and stares out at nick feel like cracks of the real jay poking through, one who likes men but cannot admit it to himself. after all, as a man so attached and desperate for the ‘american dream,’ back in the 1920s, that did not include marrying a man. jay lives with internalized homophobia and tries to calm his nerves with his pretend love of daisy.

i could go on and on about this forever but its 12:30 and i have class.

if u take nothing from this, let me leave u with these main bullets:

TL;DR

nick fucked a dude

nick describes men erotically while he describes women very dully

nick almost lived with another man

jay is obsessed with daisy to repress his emotions

the separation and wartime made things worse for him

his internalized homophobia causes the plot

his longing stares out the window at nick are cracks in his facade

ty and goodnight

[tossing-cookies]

Eyy bby doll, Ilysm ♡ You should totally do a Len/Rin Leukemia bit for me c:

Slipping Len’s pillow into a clean pillowcase, Rin frowned. This was the fifth nosebleed in the span of two months, and it worried her; she never remembered her brother having problems with bloody noses before. On top of that, today marked the second week of a terrible fever Len had come down with. They had gone to the doctor twice because the fever reached 102° and was not breaking. Both times the doctor concluded Len most likely had mono and, given how long he was already ill, would start improving within a few days. That, unfortunately, did not happen.

To the contrary, Rin believed Len was growing worse. Since the visit to the physician, he had developed a rash over his legs, and although he told her that it did not itch nor did it hurt, the purple spots still caused her concern. Not only that, but the small teenager had barely eaten during his time under the weather. Rin worried that this went beyond a simple loss of appetite from the fever, for feeling “too full” became a frequent complaint from Len even when little to nothing had been eaten for hours. When Rin was able to coax him to eat something, Len could not eat much of it without the stomach pain getting worse and feeling nauseous.

Keeping the foreboding feeling to herself, Rin slid the pillow behind Len’s back. She watched him groggily hold a tissue to his nose, barely awake. His face was so pale that his skin looked paper-thin, and he was visibly trembling, despite the heavy blankets draped over his shoulders and on his lap. She could hear his teeth chattering.

“…Has it stopped,” she inquired softly, more to herself than to Len, and reached to pull the tissue away from his nose slightly. When she did not see anymore active blood-flow, Rin deemed it safe to dispose of it. “Finally,” she sighed, exasperated as she added the crumpled tissue to the small mound already in the trash.

Len coughed weakly and slumped back into the mattress. Everything ached, especially his legs and underneath his arms. It was a deep, dull pain that felt like it came from his bones. They were reminiscent of growing pains, but it was more uncomfortable. Simply laying in bed, he could feel the ache pulsing. Trying to walk was a nightmare between the pain and the dizziness. Every time he stood, his head swam and gravity felt like it was playing games.

Despite how much sleep he had gotten since the fever started, Len’s energy was sluggish to return. He only woke when he was roused by Rin, and even then the sting of fatigue weighed heavy on his lids. “Thanks,” he mumbled to his sister in an almost inaudible breath, obviously on the edge of slumber.

Rin bit her lip, feeling conflicted. Having watched Len’s condition gradually go from bad to worse, she was nervous. Even though the doctor had said twice that it was only mono, she still had the feeling something was off. He seemed too weak for it to be within normal expectations, but at the same time Rin knew she had a tendency to jump to the worst case scenario. “Len,” she started nervously, unsure if her worry was justified. “Don’t you think we should get that rash checked out?”

Slowly, Len shook his head, not bothering to open his eyes. “…t’s fine…”

Her heart sank a little. “Are you sure? The doctor hasn’t seen it…”

An annoyed groan rattled in Len’s chest as he tightened his fetal position, blankets clenched in his hands. “He said it’s mono,” he argued, desperately wanting the conversation to be over so he could go back to sleep.

“I know but-“ she began to offer a rebuttle but was interrupted by Len’s ringtone suddenly exploding into the room.

Len whimpered, almost ready to cry by that time. He was far too exhausted to answer his phone and that piercing tune was impossibly loud. Still not opening his eyes, he fumbled around his bed for the vibrating mobile device. His fingers searched blindly for a horribly long moment before they wrapped around the cool metal of his smartphone. “Will you answer this, please,” Len asked as he pointed the cellphone toward his twin.

After taking the phone from Len’s hand, Rin looked at the caller ID and immediately recognized the number as the hospital’s. A stroke of relief hit her, realizing this follow up call as her opportunity to mention the rash on Len’s legs. “Hello,” she answered.

“Hi, is this Len Kagamine?” The voice on the other end asked. It was not their physician, but instead a young woman.

“This is Rin, his sister. Len is resting right now,” Rin explained. “He’s still not feeling any better.”

“Hi Rin, I’m sorry to hear that,” the woman replied. “I’m Dr. Chiba from Higashi Memorial Hospital. I’m calling to talk about the results of Len’s recent blood test.”

Not expecting the call to be anything other than a check in, Rin was caught off guard. “Oh, okay,” was all she could manage in response, incredibly confused by receiving a call from a doctor she had never spoken to before.

Dr. Chiba continued. “Your doctor sent Len’s blood to me for testing, and I found a couple things I wanted to talk about. I know this is sudden, but would now be a good time to come see me?”

Taken aback by the unexpected summon, Rin stammered. “Wh- come see you?” She echoed the doctor’s words as her eyes glanced down at Len, who had surprisingly cracked open his eyes to meet her gaze. She understood his silent plea not to agree to the visit. “I don’t- you can’t tell me over the phone?”

“I really think it’s best if we speak in person.” The doctor’s voice over the phone was soft but stern, carrying a latent sense of urgency that made a knot form in Rin’s stomach.

“…O-okay,” Rin answered hesitantly. “Um, when should we… does it have to be right now?”

“If you aren’t caught up in another appointment, I would like you to come in to go over the results of blood test as soon as possible,” Dr. Chiba insisted.

Rin kneaded her forehead as the brick in her stomach grew heavier. “Okay, I’ll get him up,” she reluctantly agreed, turning away from the glare Len shot at her. She ended the call and immediately began to explain.

“Len, I’m sorry, I know you’re tired,” Rin apologized, guilt thick in her voice. “That was a doctor from the hospital. She needs to talk to us about the blood they took last time you got checked out.”

——

Getting Len out of bed took nearly as long as the bus ride to the hospital, but about an hour since the phone call the two were sat in front of a foreign desk, looking at a woman they had never met before.

Rin rung her hands nervously in her lap, her mind running rampant with worry. Meanwhile, Len sat in the chair beside her, bundled up in a heavy sweatshirt and looking miserably fatigued.

Dr. Chiba was the first to speak. “Thank you for coming in on such short notice.” She placed a folder on her desk and pulled out the small packet of papers inside. “These are the results from Len’s blood test. I saw a couple abnormalities that I think need further testing.”

“Abnormalities?” Rin repeated, urging her to go on.

Instead of explaining right away, Dr. Chiba flipped to the last page of the packet and slid it toward Rin. “I believe it’s in your best interest to schedule an appointment with Dr. Kamori in Oncology.”

Rin’s eyes drifted down to the paper pushed in her direction, and immediately her eyes were drawn to the big red words underneath the hospital’s sigil. One in particular made her heart freeze in her chest: Cancer. Reeling, Rin’s wide eyes returned to the doctor. “C-cancer?” The word felt like poison on her tongue, as if speaking it aloud would seal Len’s fate and condemn him to the terrible disease.

In an apologetic tone, the doctor confirmed her suspicion. “Len’s bloodcount numbers are indicative of a leukemic syndrome.”

Len was suddenly very awake, more awake than he had been in the past two weeks. His ears began to ring as his head swarmed with fear, stomach filling with wicked butterflies and jumping to his throat. It felt as if he had received a death sentence, and he was now faced with his mortality. He was dying. If they did nothing, he would die. Even if he did get treatment, he could still die. His heart hammered fast and hard in his chest; he could hear it pulsing in his ears as the ringing dulled to white noise.

Beside him, Rin abruptly stood up from her chair, blue eyes brimming with tears. Her expression fell somewhere between anger and despair. “No! You’re wrong,” she blurted out in disbelief, her worst fears becoming a close reality. Sure, her worried mind had mentioned the word cancer before coming to the hospital, but never had she imagined that it would turn out to be true. “That can’t be right. He- he just has mono, right? The doctor said he had mono…”

“I’m sorry to deliver such bad news,” was the doctor’s solemn response, a declaration that there was no mistake.

Dr. Chiba’s words felt sharp, like a knife through a Rin’s chest as they met her ears, and the young adolescent fell back into her chair, tears starting to fall from her eyes. She stared blankly at the paper on the desk, the word cancer screaming in red ink. “It can’t be… no way.”

Opting to give the two some time to absorb the weight of the information given, Dr. Chiba stood up and placed her hand on Rin’s shoulder. “I’ll give you two a few minutes to talk,” she offered, to which neither twin responded.

It was not until the click of the door behind the doctor leaving the office that Rin turned her gaze to Len. He was staring ahead with wide eyes, expression frozen in shock. “L-Len,” She croaked through the frog in her throat.

Slowly, Len turned to his sister, her voice piercing the the static in his ears, and immediately crumbled in fear. Tears poured out of his eyes as panic set in, his mind bringing forth every dream he had for his future, knowing that he may not live long enough to achieve the. “I-I dont wanna die,” was all he could say, a choked sob catching.

In an instant, Rin collected her twin in her arms, squeezing him as if he would vanish at any moment. Her heart broke for him. “No, Len,” she moaned in despair, shaking her head. “You’re not gonna die… it’s way to early to think like that. B-besides… I’ll do whatever I can to make you better. I’ll give you anything, my blood, a kidney, whatever, anything it takes,” she promised in a trembling voice.

Lens shaking arms reached up and desperately clung to his sister, white knuckles squeezing fistfuls of Rin’s shirt. “I’m scared,” he bawled, breaking into violent sobs, only muffled by the fabric he pressed his face into.

“I know,” Rin whimpered into his messy blonde hair, her own tears cascading down her cheeks. Her hand stroked his back as she placed a kiss against his forehead. “It’s gonna be okay.” In truth, Rin was terrified. They did not know what stage the cancer was in, what kind of treatment he would need, what the statistics were, or what precautions they needed to take. The uncertainty of his prognosis made for overwhelming fear. She could only imagine how much worse it must be to be the one who was going through it.

Pulling back, Rin sniffled and cupped Len’s face in her hands. “They’ll do tests to find out what needs to be done, and we’ll do it. Okay?”

Hiccuping with sobs, Len stared at her, his eyes swimming, and nodded. He latched onto those words in a desperate search of comfort. She was right, after all. He was not dead yet, and the news was not a death sentence either. If they fought back hard enough, he would be okay. Right? If Rin was so confident in that, he had to believe it, even if the process and the risks were petrifying. “O-okay,” he whined, eyes squeezing out a few more fat tears.

Seeing that the worst of Len’s sobs calmed, Rin again gathered him in a tight hug. Whatever was going to happen, she was determined to face it. She knew it would be hard, not only for Len, but also for her watching him go through it. Rin decided she needed to become stronger. There would be times during treatment that Len would feel helpless and, of course, sick. Len would need her more than ever, and she would be there.

[amoristt]

Red | Nathan x Reader

disclaimer: i know nathan is not a good person. i am not putting a blanket over his actions in this fic. i, the writer, understand he’s not an innocent character and has made many terrible choices. im just answering people’s requests, please dont put me under the fire for it.

thank you.

Day 1. Anthropomorphic People. ‘The Fox’

Kicking off promptober with a nathan x reader!

obviously since it’s prompt induced this is an AU in which humans have animalistic traits! hope you guys enjoy and make sure to check out my promptober post >here< !

Warnings: animal death (minor), language, mentions of character death.

Hunting was never one of your favorite hobbies. You hated to sit and wait, not having the patience to still yourself enough so that animals could wander by. Despite knowing you needed to hunt for food you still had an issue harming the innocent animals that just happened to cross paths with you.

‘It’s the circle of life,’ Your father drilled it into your head every time he dragged you out with him. ‘Without hunters like us they’d overpopulate.’

Though you knew ultimately he was right it still felt wrong pulling the trigger, watching the animal writhe before falling a few feet away after a frantic attempt at escaping it’s fate. It was harder when you were young and could reply on your father, but now that you were all alone you learned to harden yourself just enough to get the job done.

Hidden by leaves and shifting under the summers heat you kept your eyes peeled for any signs of animal life. The sun had begun to fall over the trees, casting shadows as long as your eyes could see. Sometimes they would creep you out, make you see things that weren’t there, but mostly they just offered a nice spot out of the sun. You remembered a time when you could use sunscreen and bitterly kicked yourself for abusing it now that you had no access to the ‘inside world’. Your father, passing for a mortal, could make it in and out of town with no one noticing but you couldn’t, not with your ‘traits’. Though they were small, upon entering the city you’d be checked for anything non ‘human’.

Your father had scales on either side of his hips and on his ankles, just the right spots to be overlooked. He passed as a hunter and they let him into the city and out of it without question. You, however, were not as lucky. Scales formed beneath yours eyes, on your shoulders, along your wrists and sides. They were obvious as day, a bright blue-green that the sun would catch off of. Sometimes you thought they were pretty, watching them sparkle like gems, but other times you wished you could cut them off. At one point you almost tried, sick with grief over losing your father to an illness and not having access to a hospital. If you were mortal you could have taken him to get help, sent him to a hospital, but you couldn’t. And so, he died.  After that you tore at your scales, ripped them off despite the agonizing burn they left behind. After your meltdown of sorts you gave up. You weren’t human, you were in pain, and you were still alone. You were also bleeding with little to no medical tools.

Eventually you came to terms with it, and it was a sobering thought to realize you had no one. Sometimes ‘advocates for non-human rights’ would pay visits, leaving you boxes full of clothes, books, or other ‘non craftable’ items, but they never stopped to talk. You could hear them whispering outside your door, hushing one another as they set down the items and then scurried away. Though grateful, you wished they’d talk to you. If you had paper you’d leave them a thank you note for the clothes, especially, but mostly you just wanted someone to keep you company. Talking to the moon wasn’t doing you nearly as much justice as you wished it could.

You remembered your days hunting with your dad, him teaching you everything you needed to know incase something happened to him. You brushed him off, treated his ministrations like a pest because you never thought he’d leave you, but he did. And so, you relearned everything you tuned out.

Hunting was one of these things. It was tiresome and boring at the same time, and it left you with sunburns surrounding your cheeks and arms, but you knew it had to be done. You needed to hunt for food, and no amount of complaining would change that. You weren’t like a feline or a canine, the types who typically traveled in packs. You weren’t like the birds with thunderous wings or talons that could grab fish straight out of water. No, all you had was your useless scales and enough knowledge to scrape by without starving to death.

As evening came forth most of the heat started to die down and you could rest more comfortably, leaning back against a tree surrounded by brush with your gun at your side. Your weapon was another thing you thanked your father for: he’d taught you how to craft your own guns and the ammunition for it. They weren’t nearly as classy or high-tech as the ones in the city, but they got the job done and that was enough for you. 

Soft noises caught your attention and your body went on alert, and as you slowly rose to crouch on your feet the sound only got closer. Small twigs shifting and breaking, grass and plants moving around whatever being was growing near. It was small as far as you could tell, but your heart rate still grew at the thought of running into a predator. You may have thumbs, and you may be able to run on two legs, but there were things out there that could eat you in one bite. But, they were outside of the city zones, so they weren’t ever taken care of. Kings of the jungles, you called them. Giant feline looking creatures with long bare tails and glowing red eyes. They stalked like lions but sounded like wolves. You could hear them outside your makeshift house some nights and it filled you with terror, make you clutch your gun throughout your slumber. You didn’t have claws to defend yourself with, nor did you have a poisonous bite or really any means of defense. You’d be dead in a second.

Worried you’d come face to face with something undesirable, you swallowed thickly and listened closely, peeking through the bushes guarding you. Right in front of you a stick broke and it made you freeze, eyes widening as it moved just beyond the leaves you were looking out of. Hands clammy, finger itching on the trigger, you carefully pulled it to your chest and then slowly rose. When you saw it, you let out a silent but deep breath of relief.

A small, brown, and unassuming rabbit had found it’s way to the pile of berries you’d planted a few feet away from your hiding spot. You felt bad, raising your gun as it nibbled away carelessly, but the emptiness in your stomach overrode it.

‘Sorry.’ You thought as you fingered the trigger.

Just before you shot a quick movement made you leap back, a figure much larger than the rabbit darted out from between two trees. Before you could even react it pounced onto the rabbit, the small creature making desperate wails before they were cut off suddenly. Even though the world around you was basked in shadows you were still taken aback, watching in awe at the sight in front of you.

It was human.

Humanoid, at least. Broad shoulders but a lean frame, two legs and two arms, two hands wrapped around the still squirming body of it’s prey. That wasn’t what had you breathless, however. It was the non human traits that held you.

A long, thick and bushy tail sprouted just beneath his red shirt and above his black pants. He was like you.

Dead silent and unmoving, you guessed he hadn’t seen you yet. His back was towards you, head dipped down and arms in front of him as he finally ended his preys suffering. When he rose to sit on his knees, brushing away the dirt that had collected on his clothes, you just watched. He had pointed ears atop his brown head of hair, and you were filled with glee. He was one of your kind. For a moment he stayed there just staring ahead, and you wondered if he was alone like you of he had a family of his own.

You breathed just a bit too loudly, and the boy turned, and he was beautiful. He was all sharp angles and obvious aggression but you didn’t fear him, too captivated. His eyes, golden, scanned over your face and you knew he could see your scales. It seemed when he noted you weren’t necessarily human either, the defensive anger subsided. He brought himself to his feet, narrowed his eyes at you, grabbed his rabbit and took a few steps back. For some reason you almost reached out for him.

“Wait,” You called. “Don’t go.”

You’d barely spoken a word since your father died. Hearing your own voice felt alien, and apparently it was a mutual feeling. He eyed you, cautiously watching every single movement like suddenly he was the rabbit and you were the predator. Most of his attired was red, and you smiled.

“You’re a fox.” You stated, voice soft and spacey.

“And you’re a lizard.” He spat. You frowned, shocked by the crudeness of his tone.

“Reptilian.” You corrected him as you took a step closer. He retreated just a bit more and you realized you probably shouldn’t be as casual as you were, but something about him being there, being stuck outside the city, made you feel some sort of weird kinship. He obviously wasn’t feeling it, however.

“Doesn’t matter.” He hissed, dismissing your words and looking like he was about to dart.  

You realized how much you didn’t want to be alone, even if it meant talking to strangers. “What’s your name?”

“That doesn’t matter either.”

“I’m ___, you?”

He gawked at you incredulously, and you could see two sharp teeth jutting father than the rest. “We’re not fucking buddies,” he said. “And this rabbit,” He held up the animal dead in his hands. “Is mine.”

“You can have it,” You answered quickly, trying to think of a way to make him stay. “Just- Let me make it for you. I used to cook for my dad all the time.”

“Used to?” his eyes narrowed again. “He’s dead?”

You swallowed at the painful memories but nodded nonetheless. “Yeah. Yours?” He scoffed.

“I wish.”

“You shouldn’t wish things like that.”

“You don’t know shit about my dad, got it?”

A shaky breath left your lips. He was getting mad, you could hear it in his tone, and you were starting to get anxious. You wanted him to leave since he seemed like he was much more trouble than he was worth, but something in you wouldn’t let him. The thought of going back to your shack and never saying another word again felt so lonely. You were suddenly aware of the fact that since you now knew there were others in your area, you’d never be comfortably alone talking to the moon.

“Don’t go.”

He stared at you. “We don’t know each other.”

“We could.”

“Maybe I don’t know wanna’ know you. Obviously you’ve got some fucked up stuff going for you and I don’t want any part of it.”

“And you don’t?” You asked, shoulders tensing. “Doesn’t sound like everythings sweet on your side either.”

“Hey,” He barked suddenly. “Don’t talk about me like you know me. You don’t.”

“Then let me get to know you. Our kind should stick together, shouldn’t they?”

The boy actually laughed at your words, shaking his head. “Don’t pull that shit. Our kind are loners and you know it.”

You looked down at your feet, frowning. “Maybe I don’t want to be a loner anymore.”

A breeze rustled the leaves overhead as he didn’t answer, and when you peeked a look at him it was a different expression than it had been moments ago. It was somber, maybe even empathetic, so you took your chances in speaking again.

“Let me cook that for you. You can have all of it just-... Talk to me.”

“Fox and a lizard. You’re that lonely, huh?” He scoffed, and you sighed in defeat. Retillian. 

The rabbit was tossed forward, landing with a ragdoll thud by the bushes in front of you. You looked up at him curiously, and he stared back with unreadable eyes. However, his tail moved in interest. Drawn back to his face, you were once again caught off guard by how pretty he was. He had such a pointed expression but you found yourself unable to look away. He grew anxious on his feet.

“Maybe next time.” He said plainly before turning on his heel.

“Wait,” You made a move to chase after him but he rose a hand to stop you.

“I said next time. Don’t fucking follow me or you’ll regret it.” He began to disappear into the trees and you watched him while feeling a pit form in your gut. “By the way,” He kept moving but spoke louder. “My name’s Nathan.”

Though you wanted to chase after him you stayed put, watching him almost dissolve into the thick brush until there was nothing left but you, nature, and the dead rabbit lying near your feet. An emptiness crept into your chest and your shoulders slumped at you grabbed the rabbit, happy you had a meal for the night but still feeling like you’d lost what was important.

But, as his name and image bounced around in your head, you couldn’t help but smile. Though he was gone and you still knew little to nothing about him, somehow some part of you knew you’d see him again.

The world around you suddenly felt just a bit bigger.

[sakura-boi-san]

Thoughts day 2

I dont know why but this week is being really diffiucly for me. I layed in bed most of last night somehow keeping my head screwed on during an intense sort of emotional conversation with someone ive started to really care about. were ok, and im glad i still have her but it was just a bit difficult. I laid awake thinking of different ways i can bind my chest and then getting depressed because my chest is so big ill never be able to fully compress it, but im still gonna try. I have some KT tape on order which should be arriving tomorrow so hopefully i can bind my chest for pride on saturday. Its gonna be my first pride, and my first time binding my chest, im excited but also terrified. this weather is making me so depressed and i keep just randomly crying, i was going to go out earlier with just my shirt buttoned up in the middle, but my mum and nan said i was too fat for that, but i done it anyway and got halfway to the train station and made my nan take me to asda so i could buy a new t shirt to change into so that my femeninity wouldnt be on show. speaking of asda, whilst i was in there waiting to pay this woman called me “young lady” and its just made me so triggered since. like it set of my anxiety and then this man started talking to me telling me to go ahead of him in the queue and then got salty with me when i refused and said id feel bad if i pushed in, after than this I was just surrounded by some oldish people jsut staring at me and glaring, i get that i have rainbow hair but its honestly no reason for you to be staring at me. and then there was the train, it was ok going to bury, but on the way back i dont think ive ever been watched and stared at so much by one person in my life, what made it worse is that i left my headphones in the car so for the first time in over a year i went out wihtout my headphones and honestly it was awful, idk if my anxiety and paranoia was higher on the train because of the heat or because i didnt have my headphones, i hate not having my headphones wiht me, i use them to block out the sounds of all the people and the noises of the environment that make me anxious and honestly it was horrible without them and i hope to god im not an idiot and end up doing it again. at the moment ive ended up walking round my family home in my underwear and ive been downstairs once and had comments form both my mum and my nan about my weight, at that moment i didnt care cause i am literally melting but sitting down now and writing this and seeing my stomach like those comments are killing me and not really helping my urges of self harm. but this situation at the moment the conversation, it jsut make me think of what was said to me before christmas about why B left me. my mum liked to tell me how much she liked B and just general stuff about how she was great, but then i think of the other stuff like, oh its no wonder she left you, your gonna end up on your own anyway, no ones ever going to want to marry you. it just eats at me, because everyone i like/love/have feelings for always jsut leaves me. B blamed me for everything that was wrong with her, she blamed me for her 3 suicide attempts and just her MH in general, i know it wasnt my fault but it just gets to me cause i adored her and done everything for her but still wasnt enough. my MH always holds me back in some way shape or form and im sick of it. I came out as Non-Binary nearly 2 months ago now and its been a bit easier since, but also not really, it makes me think of the 2/3 years that i had been regressing it maybe even longer to be honest. A lot of the regressing was due to B, at this point i was kind of debating whether i was transgender or not (honestly im still debating but yknow) and i would ask her what would happen if i was and she would just saty that shed leave me because shes not into males and shes only into females, and i think that jsut scared me right back to not being happy and i think it was at that point that i started getting depressed again to be honest. I just want people to accept me for me and not question the way that i am feeling whether its about myself or towards someone else. im a very emotional person and this just makes me more emotional and make the urge to self harm even greater. She tells me Im doing so well and that i shouldnt break that streak but honestly i dont know how much longer i can hold out because that urge is there, and once youve got that itch, its hard to get rid off wihtout satisfying it.

25-07-2019

[lateforcoffee]

This is a little political but please open a debate, this an important topic

Violence.

Violence is everywhere in American culture. Its so prominent in our every day lives that one could say we as humans almost seem to crave some sort of violence. From violent movies featuring idolized super heroes literally getting their head cut off or gunning through hordes of unnamed faceless goons, to video games where an entire feature is that you can murder random people in a number of whacky ways, to novels which have been around far far longer than either of my previous points that contain violence of some kind.

Now. Is it an insane assumption to connect the dots and believe that the crime rate and mass murder rate is directly affected by these forms of media? No. It makes sense with ver little thought required. I see violence; I want to emulate violence.

Now heres where i interject and propose this radical new idea that can be applied to more than violence.

Perhaps we crave violent media because it is a moral, ethical, and guilt free way to feel empowered. To scratch an itch. Some would turn away, deeply disturbed, from Grand Theft Auto's realistic environment inwhich you have the option to mow people down in any kind of car you can think of only to murder droves and droves of cops. GTA is a low hanging fruit but it sends the message. Its disturbing. Outright morbid. The things you CAN do are truly vile and no person should ever wish to do them in a real world setting.

You're driving to work. You cant find your keys and so you cant brush your teeth or eat or really get cosy before commuting to work. You're already a little disgruntled. Its a hot summer day and the steering wheel is too hot to touch and the car seat is sticking to you and no matter how hard you crank it the AC just wont give anything. Then you pull out... and into a mile of traffic. Traffic so bad the radio is talking about how they pitty you if you're heading to work. You get to work an hour late. You're hot. You're tired. You dont want to be here. Your boss chews you up and spits you out. By now, any reasonable person would want to tear their hair out and scream in frustration. Its normal. Its /human/. Lets say you're not fased by GTA's violence or any other graphic media that portrays violence sickeningly realistically. If you were to go home in this exhausted, hot, and angry state you might want to find a way to vent that out before it hurts something or someone. You could go for a run, maybe do some yoga. Follow your hobby. But if your hobby is to immerse yourself in a fantasy for a few hours a day then why not endulge in some violence in a safe place?

Just like violent art, no one is actually getting hurt. Theres no blood or blame for anyone to carry as burden for the rest of their lives.

But of course we still have mass shootings and murder and rape. But perhaps these stem from mental illness and unwellness, being disturbed in a fragile state such as childhood, wreaking a sad and horrowing cycle of abuse from father to child. We are, collectively, working towards understanding why people feel that way. What goes so wrong in someone's life or chemistry that they cant control their violent tendencies. That they actively wish to fulfill them.

When you pick up a good book you know the characters will stay in the pages and your mind. You wouldnt run around screaming about the one true ring or how you need to get to Hogwarts after you read. For some people the line between reality and fiction is blurred, however. And why this line is blurred or missing entirely is important to know. Imagine for a moment that all of your favorite characters and villains never stopped following you after you consumed their media. It would be horrible, and in some cases, very scary.

Back on topic a little. You just got home and you're exhausted and angry and you dont want to talk to anyone or even hear your name. So you do some yoga. You make something. You feel better. Theres a sense of fulfillment that follows you doing that hobby or activity. Violent media is no different. We consume it so much because, deep down, a staggering amount of us dont like an equally staggering amount of everyone else. We know, though, and in our stable mental health, that we cant just punch Richard in the face for being a dick to you at work. Your boss gets angry, Richard gets angry, people are scared, nothing sensible comes from that. It just makes a bad situation worse.

In a movie henchmen and mobs of animals or other miscellaneous aliens and creatures are killed over and over and over in pursuit of the hero achieving their ultimate goal: stop the bad guy. In a movie does the hero face immediate repercussions from punching some random guy in the face? Of course not. Nobody was actually punched and we know that no one was hurt in the end. But the look, the sound, the violence that follows the characters is fulfilling and relieving.

Now to the other things i mentioned forever ago. Sex. Sex is, for some reason, taboo in America. You dont say you have sex, you dont share porn, you actively deny the existence of porn in public otherwise you face social ostracizing.

Porn is quite literally a sexual movie. Its soul purpose is to provide an experience you might not be able to do safely right now or at all. You probably wouldnt just watch porn just to watch porn. Its boring like that. Theres no fulfillment from it. You watch it and consume it to achieve that fulfillment. That fantasy of that fetish.

If you take away porn you take away that same style of vent for those other less than comfortable emotions (anger, sadness, anxiety,) and you, in my opinion, make things worse. Theres no longer a safe place or way to express that feeling. You cant find the same fulfillment and some will get restless. It will drive others mad and these emotions that build up without fulfillment get stronger and stronger until the consequences of your actions no longer stunt you and you lash out at somebody. That creates a dangerous environment. Another plus side to porn is that we get to explore ourselves intimately which is an important part of life. It will help you to explore your mate or partner more intimately as well.

How about self worth. Self worth is a really important part of personality. You need to value and validate yourself otherwise you become depressed and recluse from society. So why not have another safe place to express yourself? Like Tumblr. You can post almost anything you want and talk about almost anything you want(I say almost because certain topics and media are banned by our government and our society looks down on other topics such as racism). You could play a game where you're an epic unstoppable knight and for a while feel powerful and in control. Or you could watch an action movie and get your fix that way.

In conclusion. I believe we need violent media and most importantly we need to internally moderate ourselves. You are the only person and being that has ultimate control over you. YOU decide what you say and how you say it. YOU decide what media you see and how you think of it. YOU need to be the one in control of your media. Know your boundaries and keep yourself safe, happy, and fulfilled.