#and i feel like a burden on my parents already | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

silverislander · 5 months

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my graduation ceremony is at the end of the month and istg if i still don't have a job/any plan by then i'm going to be unreasonably upset

#i know its normal to not have a job straight out of school. i know that.#but 1. there are No jobs out there rn that will take me that im willing to work. there are none to even apply to #i applied to the v few i did feel ok abt and havent heard back. its been a month so im p sure i didnt get any of them #and 2. i dont want to explain 1 million times that yeah im still looking. no xyz didnt call me back. yeah i know i shouldnt worry etc etc #its humiliating #levi.txt #vent tw #i mean the massive gap between my situation and my little brothers is bad enough #i dont want to also have to explain it to literally every person whos coming over to celebrate #or answer questions abt whether ill go back to working min wage at the grocery store again #'yeah yk how everyone thinks arts degrees are useless? well about that!...'#i would feel like such a failure #also like. on a very basic level. i dont have much money to spend and its summer #id like to be able to go have some fun. go to the movies and the arcade sometimes. go to the ren faire #nothing crazy but like. its 5$ to get into the local pool yk?#i cant justify any of that if i dont have money coming in. im going to miss out on a lot if i cant get work #and i feel like a burden on my parents already #and the days are. so long. i do basically nothing all day. i hate it #the most exciting part of my week is if i get to leave the house for any reason

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hecksupremechips · 5 months

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Mizuki and Date though like. Imagine being 8 and your parents are filthy rich and going through a bad divorce. Your mom treats you like shit, lashing out at you, hitting you, saying she wishes you were never born all because you were behaving like a child. Your dad is more comforting, but he doesn’t do anything to stop the abuse and he spends his time invested in a completely different family, a girl who you love and look up to but he loves her more than you and it fucking shows. Then your dads new friend, some fucking bachelor in his late 20s, is just like "wow you guys are the worst fucking parents ive ever seen" and next thing you know your dad is sending you off to live with him. And it’s just a massive kick in the head cuz you go from a rich lifestyle to living in some really shitty tiny ass apartment with this guy who’s clearly never been around a child in his entire life and he doesn’t know how to behave and does a really bad job of censoring himself like he has a bunch of dirty magazines that he can’t hide very well cuz it’s literally a studio apartment and also he talks to himself sometimes, it’s really weird. He doesn’t even have the slightest clue what he’s doing

And he’s the best parent you’ve ever had

Because fuck, it all really hurts. You have to cope with having never received any love from anyone, and with the fact that your parents clearly don’t want you and can’t even be bothered to send you with anyone even kinda responsible. And this guy has a scary job with crazy hours and you don’t know anything about him and neither does he. But still, he never once hits you or tells you you’re not allowed to cry. He just gives you space and doesn’t push you to feel any sort of way about him. And sometimes, he’s even kind. He makes you some stew, even though it’s a bit chunky. He lets you sleep in the bed and takes the couch for himself, even though he complains about the massive back pain he’d never trade his spot for a second. He pays attention to events at your school and gives you your favorite stuffed animal when you make good grades, even though you called it ugly. He gets worried sick when you come home with bruises and puts on a goofy voice and trains you to defend yourself and you develop some highly deadly skills and even though it’s really abnormal, he buys you a bench press so you can get stronger. There’s this distance there, and you feel really weird caring about someone who you aren’t related to, but you find yourself wishing it was meant to be like this all along, that maybe, he’s secretly your real dad and he loves you like his real daughter

And when you say "I’m back" he says "welcome home"

#aitsf #ai the somnium files #kaname date #mizuki date #THE DATES THEY ARE MY EVERYTHING AAAAAAAAA #its so funny though like imagine being such a bad parent that some loner who jerks off all the time does a better job than you #and hes literally never interacted with children before and is later revealed to have actually been an assassin #renju and shoko really just suck huh #and i dont mean to reduce date to a porno loving loser cuz nah like hes actually got so much depth going on in this situation like he cant #remember a single thing about his past he has no frame of reference for what a family is or if hes ever had one himself #which we then learn he. kinda didnt he was an orphan with no friends no name no one who came looking for him it seems #yet he still finds himself loving and caring for this girl and would literally die over and over for her to live a happy life #hes so genuinely kind and caring and deeply lonely and unsure of himself if hes doing this right #and he feels agonizing pain when hes forced to remember that he isnt mizukis real dad and that. he has nothing #but despite that he doesnt force mizuki to return these feelings because its a lot to burden a child with and shes been through enough #its like. kaname date i love youuuu please just adopt her already 🥺

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stardust-sunset · 8 days

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how my parents feel after always reminding me how much better my older brother is than me

#seriously i remember when my mom flat out said ‘he’s smarter than you’#like i know that already lol?#they won’t shut up about him #had a good old break down last night realizing that i’m never gonna be my parents pride and jou the same way he is #they seriously brag about him wherever he goes #‘oh he’s in an ivy!!111!!”#and then i’m just in the damn background because my younger brother is a freshman in HS and he’s having it rough #so my own issues are resolved by ‘get over it’ or ‘oh well you’re motivated at least’#i’m not fucking motivated i just want to prove i’m just as good #or even a fraction as good #i’ll never be enough though #the mere fact my mom was considering canceling going to see the outsiders w/me because my brother has off that weekend and she’d rather go #see him kinda shows that #keep in mind we’re seeing him in two weeks and we’re going up literally the next weekend to see him #and they keep talking scour how they can’t wait until i’m in college #i can’t say anything to them though because they’ll get mad and tell me i’m being overdramatic #it feels like they want to get rid of me or smth #it hurts #a lot #i feel like i don’t have anyone because i can’t complain to my parents because i’m overshadowed by both my brothers #and i don’t know how to communicate my feelings without being a burden or sharing too much #i just feel lost #vent #sibling rivalry

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mihrsuri · 5 months

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I keep trying to write an update and then being embarrassed about it and feeling like I’m trauma dumping on people by updating and I just..I know it’s on me to manage my crap, I know. I am trying (not very well but I’m trying) and it’s just…I don’t know. I don’t even know.

#please know i have thought about hospital but hospital would #genuinely make it worse (like I cannot even tell you how much worse)#i think I’m legitimately just…having a trauma reaction on top #of a jewish trauma spike #and dentists and having to move (I may have cleaned till I shook today also my arm #does not look great #i feel like i don’t actually verbally have the words #(i have tried not engaging i have tried engaging they both feel awful)#(hashem i don’t know would you even embrace me would you…)#(it’s not a meds thing (I take meds for mdd and I know what that looks like and this isn’t it)#(it’s hard to explain the difference between CPTSD and like a panic attack or a depression)#(except that I feel like I’m so so tainted and not in my body or if I’m in my body I’m in my body somewhere else #abuse cw #i didn’t ask for this cptsd and no tshirt was offered #this will disappear probably #UGH #(i am seeing my therapist tomorrow i just..i know i need to reach out to)#(to like my current landlords and ask if I could just pay for a cleaning service to come in)#(i know i need to be like ‘unfortunately my CPTSD is Fucking Terrible Right Now and I need)#(just a bit of grace apologies)#(i do not want my parents to know i do not want that)#(aside from the fact that I am already a burden to them anyway)#a stupid flop of a person i am crying thinking about how i had plans for kids and a wife and travel and…I’m nothing #(everyone else is something I’m not I don’t deserve grace lbr)#it keeps running through my head how many people i thought loved me want me dead #and it’s like I can fake it so well #(i don’t know I may be like sending words to people)#to run through the steps of not being alone #i’m truly sorry i am always not taking accountability and playing the victim and clinging to people #to get reassurance i don’t deserve that its a good person it isn’t it isn’t a person

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isfjmel-phleg · 7 months

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#random personal stuff #personal whining feel free to ignore #am currently filled with spite and general I'll-Show-YOU-ness regarding a skill I never learned #it was implied recently that I do not know how to do this thing because of lack of interest #like I just woke up one morning and decided to be a burden on society #I KNOW perfectly well that knowing how to do this would give me greater independence #do you think I haven't been bearing the weight of this guilt most of my life #not learning was a situation beyond my control #long story weird upbringing unhelpful people lack of opportunity resultant anxiety etc.#anyway I've had it and I'd love to go out and prove that I'm not really worthless #...unfortunately I live in a small town where there's no place for someone like me to learn #because the system assumes that you are a teenager and your parents or school will teach you #or else (I suppose) that knowledge of this thing is written on every adult's heart already #so yeah...this is also a lot of why I never learned #(excuse me while I get angry for a moment)#I hate this. I hate the system. I hate living in a small town with extremely limited resources.#I hate whatever motivated the people who should have been helping me not to give me the opportunity and resources to learn.#(rant over sorry)#anyway I will eventually figure this out #but in the meantime it is Frustrating

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myauditionfordrphil · 3 months

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Rant in the tags, ignore it if you want.

#so i just needed to get this out bcz it's literally being weighing on me since forever and I can't help but cry about it #i know medical procedures are jarring and overwhelming but it's just too much for me I'm not a strong individual in any way #but I've tried not to show how much this whole ordeal has been weighingbon me and tried to be strong not shedding a single tear #i cry when someone raises their voice or is mad at me #for my parents who've been nothing but caring and loving towards me #i honestly feel like a burden on them bcz they've been working so much constantly running errands and doing my stuff #it's overwhelming not being able to wake up from bed on your own wear shoes or even eat yourself #i can't even do the most basic of tasks like getting dressed or drinking water by my own without needing any help #especially since the glucose has been off and i can't help but think if the people with chronic issues who basically have to live this life #hats off to them bcz it's been 4 days and I'm already on the verge of a breakdown #i for once actually talked to someone about this and they said that I'm being horribly pick me-ish and begging for validation #and i should think about my parents for once and don't get self absorbed when they need my support bcz it's difficult for them also #and yeah i guess that's true to some extent #anyways I just needed to get this one out bcz the anxiety and the stress has been piling up for days and yeah ig it just got worse #i would've wrote it down in my diary but don't have it on me #feel free to scroll by or give some advice or opinion #thank you for bearing with me for these past days bcz no matter how strong i try to be at the end of the day I'm just 16 #going through my first big procedures #somi.exe

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immamapletreekid · 5 months

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work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha

#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF #im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently.#im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries #and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future #IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN #i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and #finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes #and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades #isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade #it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that #dictate every single fucking part of my life #and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb #ra and stats and calculus and cs #haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates #i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table #yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first #god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive #all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is #i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again #haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future #i hope i can still have time for hobbies #why si everyone at school so good at everything #ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent #i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states #my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.#eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo #meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day #how do i become like them #why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence #i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore

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lightblueminecraftorchid · 1 year

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being sick as an adult sucks. wdym my mom won’t just automatically make sure I eat food instead of exclusively drinking Gatorade all day. wdym I have to ask my roommates to make me dinner. I have to Venmo a friend money to buy me more Gatorade?? I can’t focus enough to do homework??? I hate this.

#this is a silly haha humor post but in all seriousness.#COVID rly is just making me stare all the internalized ableism in the eye #yes worth isnt defined by productivity and disability and the idea of being a burden is part of being human and isn’t shameful at all #until I have to minorly inconvenience people to meet my basic needs #I really want to eat dinner but that would require asking my roommates to make me dinner which is just. 5 kinda of mortifying.#even though if someone I knew was sick I would not be upset about making them food! sick people need to eat!#my parents ordered me chipotle yesterday bc they were so concerned bc of how I sounded over the phone #and my friend went out and bought me juice and Gatorade and popsicles and took me to the doctor #the support system Exists I just feel bad about having to use it T-T #I just want to be hugged and read to and reminded to eat food but I am an adult now and not at home #lonely TT-TT #it’ll be okay I’m probably just emotional bc I’m sick and hungry #I also just am struggling so hard because I want to catch up on my classwork Right Now #but I can get through maybe one assignment before I’m too exhausted to keep sitting up #and I have to lay down and close my eyes and sleep or do a light activity like playing candy crush for the fifty bazillionth time #I’ve gotten through like. 100 levels this week.#I’m losing my dang marbles. I am gonna be so behind in ASL Susan is gonna be so disappointed in me #I feel like I have all this energy when I’m laying down bored but as soon as I sit up I feel like I’m floating and about to fall over #so. so tired. why can’t I be healthy already and do homework T-T.#I’m choosing to take this as a lesson to slow down and not overwork myself so hard. instead of being mad at myself for getting behind.#<- is trying and failing not to be mad at herself for getting behind

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wehavecometoanend--maybe · 1 year

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the mental eel is so real I'm so done

#and worst of all. hating yourself wont fix anything. absolutely devastating. in an almost hilarious kinda way #you know that scene in p&p05 where charlotte is talking to lizzy like im 27. unmarried. already a burden to my parents. etc?#thats how i feel a lot of times #and worse but not gonna acknowledge that #can of worms #p

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z00r0p4 · 1 year

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when a potentially quality-of-life-improving medication isn't covered by ur insurance and you want to find every big pharma and health insurance ceo and ship them off in.... some sort of a craft... that absolutely has not been certified by any regulatory body.

#I don’t need internet hacks for this its more affordable than it could be #and its from a specific type of pharmacy so its not just a matter of using coupons bc they have to do some science to get it to me #but im still mad #like hello yes i already pay in: the mental and emotional and physical toll this condition takes on me so like #maybe just cover the damn thing for me because this is a chronic condition that will never heal and probably never improve WITHOUT some #sort of intervention #like its what i deserve at the very least #im already not able to live off my own labors and im already a burden to my parents but sure #make me feel guilty for one more thing #I know its not the worst thing fr like i could be paying 238928398293 dollars for insulin or something so im glad its well below 100$#but it just. INFURIATES ME. OKAY?#rant over

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rodrickheffley · 8 months

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scholastic book fares at school were so crazy like here you go poor kids heres the perfect opportunity to feel alienated frm your peers if you havent already!

#like not only the whole. not being able to order stuff frm the catalogue but also being forced to spend time walking around the shopping #area and being unable to get anything while everyone is playing with the fancy erasures and shit #i feel like maybe once or twice i was able to get a couple things but also i internalized being poor at a young age and stopped asking my #parents for things bc i didnt want to be a financial burden lol which sucks bc there were times where we were more stable and i could have #asked for stuff but i already had a guilt complex so

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ozlices · 10 months

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as a person w so goddamn much medical trauma the thought of having to go through the process to find a new doctor that is not just simply compatible w me, but who is also, like. u know. an actually nice, understanding person who will put genuine effort into taking proper care of me is so taxing. like i wish it was a simpler process, but it's not. bc i gotta deal w the very real possibility that by having to go through this process, my medical trauma will be worsened even further. & it is already bad enough that i have panic attacks every time i have to go to any sort of medical facility.

im literally so fucking furious over how much this happens. & that there's no fucking consequence for doing it to a Human Being. for tossing a Human Being that needs medical care aside like a piece of fucking trash. the american healthcare system is such a stupid fucking joke.