#i literally dont know what to do w myself anymore. im trying as hard as i fucking can but holy fucking shit.

[ozlices]

as a person w so goddamn much medical trauma the thought of having to go through the process to find a new doctor that is not just simply compatible w me, but who is also, like. u know. an actually nice, understanding person who will put genuine effort into taking proper care of me is so taxing. like i wish it was a simpler process, but it's not. bc i gotta deal w the very real possibility that by having to go through this process, my medical trauma will be worsened even further. & it is already bad enough that i have panic attacks every time i have to go to any sort of medical facility.

im literally so fucking furious over how much this happens. & that there's no fucking consequence for doing it to a Human Being. for tossing a Human Being that needs medical care aside like a piece of fucking trash. the american healthcare system is such a stupid fucking joke.

[zemnarihah]

much to think about.

[thegongoozlerreacts]

Dead Plate (Part 2)

OK so its been a month since the last time ive played Dead Plate and uhh oops!! my bad !!

in my defense life has gotten very busy for me especially since its the holidays but now i finally have the time to finish this game and get at least one ending!! (hopefully)

spoilers under the cut

back to day 5 where i struggled so incredibly hard

the amount of times ive played through day 4's nightmare sequence is killing me

bro. how do i pass this level without losing a customer

NOOO I WAS SO CLOSE WHYYY. PLEASE. literally i was doing so well but i took too long for the 4 table orders ugh <//3

i wish you could see like, a patience meter for the customers or something

maybe i should try using the item that slows down how impatient they get

YESSS FINALLY!!! I DID IT I FINALLY DID IT!!

what is that weird squelching sound.

still here even though the shift is over and the sounds i am hearing are concerning to say the least

what if... i just leave ok i cant leave

boss's office? also i just noticed the timer ticking down uhh

can i just leave please why is the timer ticking down wtf do i do???

also lots of interesting things in that office

was the review on the waiter about Rody? if so ouch man thats harsh

NOOOOO OH MY GOD...... I ACCIDENTALLY QUIT I HAVE TO DO DAY 5 ALL OVER AGAIN ARE YOU KIDDING ME

ok well. at least now i know my key to success is the cologne

ok so Rody had an interesting reaction to the crumpled up picture of Vince and a woman so maybe he knows who she is? is this the 'her' that you can sorta not really call on the telephone??? or is he just surprised to find love letters in the trash

anyways its telling me the sounds are coming from the freezer but idk where to go from here

LMAO the sound signalling the end of the day jumpscared me askhjdakj

at least the food looks tasty

what was that whole thing about tho? what was going on in the freezer??

back home, looked out the window and i noticed you can see someone's silhouette in the background windows

i dont know if that was always there and i just missed it but very interesting

FINALLY a new nightmare

bro he was in an oven?? why ?? damn Rody's nightmares are like really creepy akladjalks

another day another dollar

damn. im gonna struggle once again because there is a LOT of customers and like i am just sooo. ksfdjslkdj whatevr kakayanin !! lets go guys

my hands are so sweaty akladh

another successful day and another tasty dish ....my fingers hurt LMAO

looked out the window and yep alright the person's silhouette isnt always there

huh. interesting nightmare it was Vince eating him and like damn that actually scared me lskjd

shorter than previous nightmares

well onto day 7 another day another dollar

lets go!! i am winning!!! only had to retry once this day!!

BROSKI JUST QUIT?!?!?

ohhh so the woman is named Manon

aww i feel so bad for this guy :(( the girl isnt picking up i wonder why tho? like does she just not like him anymore and he just needs to give up on her or is it cuz of smth w Vince (shes probably the girl from the crumpled photo in the trash right?)

damn the phone just ringing while the credits are playing

ouch :((

alright then time to get the other endings!! to do this i will be following the ending guide bc my brain is not big enough to figure it out by myself lmao

ive opened up the official ending guide and oho? you can actually get a phone call from Manon? cool i will try that out first

restarting all the way to day 1 bc i miss how easy it was

yk an interesting thing that was introduced in the tutorial that i havent experienced yet is the customers asking questions

oh hey!! i kept the stuff that i purchased in my previous run?? really?? awesomeee

ooh hey!! i kept the dishes from previous runs too!! cool

ok its day 3 now and i have to take out the trash to activate the cutscene

ok went through that whole baffling ordeal of getting slapped

also!! i chatted with Vince on day 3 and like. idk their chats are just funny to me

also like there might be something wrong with me but i am lowkey shipping Rody and Vincent together kadjlksd this is something that happened in Elevator Hitch where i started lowkey shipping the two main characters oopsies

anyways!! moving swiftly onwards!!

um. my guy disappeared after i checked the fridge

oh shit new cutscene

BRO ??? UM ????? well that was scary uhh. damn

oh the boss isnt in the kitchen anymore wait i didnt get to do all the dialogue options that are needed!! no!! does this mean i need to redo this whole day in order to get the phone call event???

better safe than sorry i guess

ok so interestingly when Rody asked Vince if he liked his job, he didnt answer the question he just changed the subject and made fun of Rody LOL

the 'can you give me a raise' question gives some more details on Manon and what Rody thinks of her (he is a grade A simp bro)

the 'are you single' question is interesting to me just bc Rody the simp has issues w Vince being like 'meh' on romance and tbh im with Vince on romance not being the end-all-be-all

THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT A STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE

IS IT CUZ I FED THE RAT CHEESE INSTEAD OF SCARING IT AWAY OR SMTH???

EW ITS IN THE FRIDGE AND THE REAL ONE I HAD BEFORE IS GONE NOOOOOOO

Vince: I haven't got any sense of taste. Rody: Yeah I could see the decorations out there-

LMFAOOO RODYYY

bro now i am sad that i missed out on these gold interactions between them on my first run this is so funny

also they both didnt really have any proper answers for what their favorite food is Vince was like 'eh i dont have any since i cant taste stuff idk lemons or smth' while Rody was like 'i just like whatever my girlfriend likes'

very interesting how Rody is like obsessed(?) with Manon

then when asking Vince what he's reading, he just straight-up lies about what the reviews are saying about Rody lmfaoooo

anyways now for the creepy night restaurant segment and going back in Vince's office to check out the possible Manon love letters in the trash

i just realized the croque madames are like. rotten cuz they have flies flying around it which ew! yuck! why is it like that

well. nothing i can do about it so next day i guess!! oh hey wait i can now afford the matches which i will be needing for ending 3! nice

OK NOW I HAVE REACHED THE PHONE CALL

damn ok so its not Manon but its Vince inviting Rody to a dinner party!! nice !!

LMFAOOOO HE INVITED RODY TO MAKE HIM WORK VINCE I CANT BELIEVE YOU!!

Rody you are so embarrassing but its ok bc ur really funny anyways!! getting interesting lore on Vince and Rody!!

one of Rody's old classmates was there, and then another guest said that either Vince must really like Rody to have him there at the party or is incredibly desperate akldskl (since she said that Rody's outfit sucks LOL)

ooh ok so. Rody is desperate and a bit delusional my bro u gotta let go of that girl bc apparently she dumped you already so like. stop bro

dkjhskas nooo ive served all the guests and theres nothing left to do except snoop around in Vincent's bedroom agh!! agh!!!!!

bro when i go in the room the music just disappears wtf

UM? HELLO??? BRO THAT SCARED ME DSKJKSDJ

i knew this was going to happenn aughjahkj

BRO THE MUSIC IS JUST GONE AJKSDFK not Rody asking what happened like he didnt just steal smth from Vince and pretty much get caught in the act 😭😭😭

well ok then so that happened

actually you know, now that im thinking about it, its kinda weird that Vince threw Manon's letters in the trash does that mean she is pursuing him romantically but he like just doesnt care or what??

i am inside and i am afraid cuz the game asked 'are you sure?' when i clicked 'go inside' broooo

oh hey its Manon and Rody WAIT WHY IS THIS LOCKET IN HERE ?? DID VINCE KILL HER ??

ASKHDKAS OH FUCKK OH NO

bro thats so like. sadistic leaving him tied up and telling him he can live if he runs away but like he can only crawl across the floor

i see why the matches are needed for this part

gee wow thanks game

ok now this time im bringing the matches with me

ok so ive burned away the ropes but im still trapped inside cuz he locked the freezer aghhh

what the heck do i do?? oh nvm i found bags of flour, i can use these to reach the cooler

so i have to stop the fans of the cooler, probably by putting something in it

can i take the saw out?? oh wait theres a switch LOL

ok so ive use the saw to cut the meat off and now ive got animal bones

ive jammed the bones in the fans and now i can break open the window wow

SHIT GOT CAUGHT BY VINCE

DID HE JUST BITE A PIECE OF MY FLESH?!??!

oh my god. he killed and cooked her to feed to Rody i. wHY???

oh so he ate Rody's ear i am shook wtf

bro Rody just severely pissed this guy off by telling him he never ate his food i feel it in my bones also makes sense why its just sitting in his fridge

Rody really hitting this guy where it hurts damn i mean its deserved cuz of like the whole thing

i accidentally got ending 4 since i messed up a QTE but damn. damn that was wild and also this is gross

something i didnt mention earlier but i noticed that there was a grilled hanger steak on the table, which is the dish when you get ending 1 would the other dishes i got in past endings show up when i got them? but i got ending 2 and the dish from that didnt show up so maybe its just a little detail for ending 1 wait was the steak made out of Manon. oh boy that makes that ending a lil more fucked up

ok going back to the chase sequence

BRO RODY JUST KILLED HIM

so i went into Vince's office, surprisingly did not get chased inside and then i picked up the broken bottle and now Rody's just killed the guy

got the restaurant key

bestie like. theyre gonna arrest u if u just leave and never say anything please explain the situation to the police or smth

why is the game not letting me leave. what do you mean revenge is best served cold. does the game want me to put Vince in the freezer!??!?!

yep the steak is def Manon

why r u not letting me leave wtf do i do

trying to read the comments on the game's page on itch.io and the amount of people going 'when will they kiss' 'kiss ending when' im laughing

like even tho all this horrible shit just happened i still lowkey ship Vince and Rody oopsies. toxic yaoi LOLOLOL

i have no idea what to do now so i am just gonna look up a guide rq

ok i need to get the cooking oil

he's burning this place to the ground

wait was Vince still alive after getting stabbed repeatedly???? his eye moved when Rody was pouring oil on him and i mean the game did say that his eyes are still following you

oh bro after-credits cutscene with Manon???

aww ok my opinion of Manon has greatly improved cuz she broke up w Rody cuz he was destroying himself for her she realized that she wasnt good for him and like, for the greater good of his mental health they cant be together

its burnt and also its lemon, which is what Vince said was his favorite food

OH HEY IT CHANGED

actually i did notice that after ending 3 it was snowy

damn

well, thats the end of my playthrough on Dead Plate

honestly, it was a very fun and enjoyable game! i liked the serving aspect even tho i kinda sucked at it and like i also really liked Rody and Vince despite all that just happened those two are seriously fucked up and i love them LOLOL

the music was really good and made up for having to redo day 5 over and over again alskdjh i was jamming most of the time to the music the art was also really good! i liked how cute the pixel sprites were, and then like the art for the portraits and CGs and everything was also really good! i really enjoyed the art style and music

the story was interesting, and i liked it too the twist was wild and blew my mind but i am still a massive fan of Vincent x Rody JKDAHSDKJ

i like how there was a cannibalism twist but Vincent wasnt actually like, an actual cannibal he was just insane and planning on making Rody an unknowing cannibal

i know he ate Rody's ear but like. he said that he doesnt eat people on the regular so yk he's just fucked up

also its really funny reading all the comments and seeing a lot of Vincent x Rody stuff LMFAOOO so true of everybody honestly

HELP I FOUND A COMMENT THAT SAID THEY NOTICED EVERY PIC WITH VINCE IN IT (on the store page) HAS HIM LOOKING AT RODY LDSJHSFLSDKN THE SHIP IS SO REAL!!!

ok sorry enough of that

overall, 10/10 would play again solely for the server gameplay (would be cool to have a kind of endless mode where you just serve customers until one leaves or something) and also because i love these characters

thats all for today and probably for this month LOL byebye!!

[a-sip-of-milo]

hi its uhhhhh research to i think i have bpd pipeline person here. idk how else to identify myself because i dont feel comfortable making myself public.

ive been intending to do more research into bpd but its like. hard and not because its hard to find resources, i found stuff on youtube, but its hard to sit down and watch it because its not entertaining enough to put my full attention on, so my mind was wandering and then i wasnt taking in information. and i dont know what to do sob. i only actually watched one video bc i know that other videos are going to be boring to me and that im not going to take in information bc i cant focus.

it was a video about what it was like living w quiet bpd and from the little i remember i was like “yep. sounds like me.” (even tho for the most part i literally cannot remember the video) and when i look at the 9 symptoms, theres 4 i can confidently say i experience, and 4 others that are a maybe, but my memory is shit so i can’t accurately tell by myself which of those symptoms i actually experience.

everytime i think abt having bpd i get upset, but i cant tell if its coming from the root of ableism(?) that me being upset about having disorders usually comes from (wanting to be “normal”) or if its coming from the root of ableism that was people with bpd/npd are inherently bad

i also think i have a favourite person. by think i mean putting the pieces together from other people talking about their favourite people from asks you answer made me realize “oh so thats why im so infatuated by this person and it’s not just being closer to them than my other friends”

Hey! I also find it incredibly difficult to sit through informative videos, so you're not alone there. There's also the issue of "am I going to sit through this entire video just to figure out that it's rooted in ableism" that stops me from getting through them. I prefer written stuff!

When it comes to the internalised ableism (also completely valid, that's not just a personality disorder issue), it could very well be a combination of both. Not only does this mean you're not "normal" anymore, but the disorder that's causing it is something that is often considered inherently bad. That can be a scary realisation to make.

I feel like i've said this before, but you don't need to rush into it. You could be struggling so much with doing research and absorbing information on the subject because your brain has yet to accept that it's okay. This can take time, and the best thing you can do if that's the case is to take a step back from the overwhelming amount of information there is to take in and work on breaking that pattern of thinking, however hard it may be.

Try positive affirmations with yourself. If you happen to recognise a particular kind of behaviour that stems from your BPD, acknowledge that, tell yourself that it's okay and move on. Think about what you'd say to another person who was struggling with the things you're experiencing. Just be kind to yourself.

Don't force yourself to do something that you're not ready for. In the end, it will only make you resent the possibility of having BPD even more and that is far less constructive.

I hope this helps, but also please don't fret if it doesn't or hesitate to tell me that i'm just rambling for no reason/you're not looking for advice. I won't be offended /gen /nm /lh

[effervescentdragon]

Re your interviewers not even sure what to ask anymore ask, that’s me but with the fandom lol. I’m literally this close to just starting to translate all of Toto’s German interviews just to feel like there is Any reason for me to still be here doing Stuff in this fandom, like what am I doing, exactly? Make predictable guesses as to who’s gonna win, only get surprised by DNFs and engine failures and battling in the mid-field, have my grandpa tell me ‘the races have really been going downhill’ and log off??

i posted sth about jude bellinghams dick game on insta on main yday and og bff asked me what im compensating for w footie posting and should he be worried abt my mental state and i said f1, because im just not incentivised to watch it anymore at the moment? im hoping it changes when races stop being so early - i am sad i missed nico's commentary the most tbh. i guess fandoms come and go and things get more and less interesting but the thing for me is - if im not enjoying it, i won't make myself watch/read/do it just because i've made it my Thing. i can have many Things. we all can. i think, when something doesn't bring joy, its good to step back. give yourself time. f1 will be there. 🫂

i also think there is this insidious thing that you have to be "productive" in a fandom, that you have to do, be doing something to justify your presence in it. i know i've felt off because im not churning out 10 ficlets a day anymore, but the fact is - you don't have to DO anything to BE in the fandom (this feels like some metaphor for life but i only took one sip of coffee today so far). fandom is about enjoyment, yohr enjoyment and sharing that enjoyment with people who also love a certain piece of media or whatever. this capitalist bullshit of treating a fandom space like it's a job (what am i contributing? have i met my quota of posting about my blorbo today? how many followers do i have?) like... who the fuck cares. i still count myself into the silm fandom and i havent posted about it in ages. doctor who, star trek, hell, fucking x men and cap america and hannibal and so many things. i am still a fan of so many things that bring me enjoyment. thats why im a fan in a fandom.

i guess what i'm teying to say is that its really hard sometimes, when you lose interest or get disheartened by someting thats brought you joy before. when you feel like you're "failing" at liking something. but i try to remember - im a person, i have interests, interests change. a thing i loved isnt that anymore. okay. not okay, but it's fine. you may find joy again, you may surorise yourself, or you may just drift to something else. you're no less you, and no less a fan, if your intensity isn't the same now as it was yesterday or a decade ago. and with f1... its changing so much that its honestly pretty understandable to feel that way. bff stopped watching during the seb era, came back when it looked like seb might win w ferrari, then skipped the whole lewis era. og bff skipped merc domination era completely. my cousins husband stopped watching the moment alonso won. ive had friends stop watching the moment max won. it happens.

what im saying, too fucking long and winded bcs apparently im in a mood today - dont force yourself into something that doesnt bring you joy. theres so much joy to be found in this world deapite everything, and you're no less you for losing an interest in a fandom.

[videostak]

really literally no idea where to go from here. i mean i know my best bets are to get a job and to continue college but searching for a job has been a complete dead end and no amount of time has changed that and im really gonna have to like hardcore study my ass off to even be comfortable taking classes again so that i dont have a repeat of failing all my classes liek b4.  i just feel so completely disenchanted with the world atm and like i kno things will if not get better than atleast change which should make things different but like its just hard to even know where to go or what to do when u meet someone and meet all their friends and have to learn secondhand that not a single one of them thinks of u as being worthy of being treated with respect and like a decent human being. llike its not exactly easy to just get back up on your feet and run into the same brick wall face first again. if it was something that happened over the span of like a 2 months or so or even a year maybe it wouldntve fucked me up so bad but the fact that like 3 years of my life went by like this really just makes me feel like i have to learn how to walk again. like the level of vulnerabilty and trust i put in people and that people are well aware of me putting in them just for them to act like they dont even know me is insane like thats not something im really willing to put myself in a position to go through again. and everyone in the entire world telling that that friendship and human connection is the most vital thing in life and the only reason for living is like fucking me up too like its true but hearing it for all my life for me to be treated that way by peoplewho believe that too is rly just like messing w/ my brain. like to consistently meet and trust shitty ppl is one thing but its happened so consistently in my life that like it just pours into the way i think abt everything and i dont really kno if or who i can trust anymore like even when i pour three years of my life trying to build and maintain a friendship wiht someone who claims to be doing the same i dont think ill ever actually know the comfort since the rug can so easily be sweeped from under my feet any secodn as far into the friendship as possible. it just like reaches the point where i dont wanna think abt it anymore or think anymore and like to not even have any of their friends even check up on me or ask for my side of the story is so insane like i get it im not worth caring abt but like its insane that ppl can knowingly do such awful things unchecked and just go on with their life with all of their close friends writing it off as an average imperfection and to continue to consider them an angel in every aspect. like really just cannot trust people anymore and like i start to see feel patterns that just make me want to nap for days straight. been using bumble and just wanna keep it just so that i can say im trying but like i dont kno if ill not ever feel horrible abt that vulnerabilty and the way ppl treat me. guessing its cause when ppl catch wind of me not having any other friends they realize they can do whatever and that i wont have any1 to gossip to and that itll never come back to bite them.

[magnoliamyrrh]

its so fucked where the world is going. ive been encouraged in therapy to talk about my feelings with people close to me but i cant talk about how dying would be better than experiencing ww3 because i only get awkward smiles and empty reassurances because they know thats true. i dont know where to look for hope anymore

i get it :(( i really do. i barely talk to people irl about it by now, bc its either as you said above, or its my grandma who agrees w me and we just go down a spiral of "dear lord, what the fuck." some people get upset when i talk about it too, they say oh youre just being negative and then i list out 9000 rational reasons as to why this is realistic, and they just shut down and say something like, well what then, wtf are we supposed to do??. they get angry, which frankly is fair, bc theyre not rly angry with me even, but with it. .... ive got no idea how to cope with it anymore other than to try to not think about it, except its hard to just "ignore" when every half year some other shit happens which makes it more apparent to me were only escaping ww3 by some miracle maybe..... or idk, i try to place my hope that Maybe just maybe the whole world is aware that nuclear war would be so bad and ww3 would wreck so much that theyd stray away from it?... but ive got to be honest, i dont have that much faith in the rulers and leaders and anyone else whose driving this shit. ive not got much faith in much....... i want to say, we have to be our own hope, we have to be the hope of the future, we have to be what we want to see changed in the world. and i do believe that. but with shit at such a insane international scale, that feels hard to say..... the people generally have less power than ever in the face of governments which have multibillion dollar technology and which all back each other up, this horrid international web of opression and exploitation. how are the people of most countries nowadays supposed to revolt?

...... ive got no idea what to do with this feeling anymore. the economic state of the world, the exploitation which is horrdibly rampant, the pollution off the hook, the state of the climate, very tense international military conflicts left and right. it feels like the end of the bloody world.... and i know ppl from the beggining of time have always said, oh, were living in the end times..... but weve never had nuclear weapons before, a million horrid weapons, plastic radiation and chemicals in literally everything, and scientific data screaming in our faces to fix the climate before its too late - fix the climate, when the international community is at each others throaths..... god damn it

im sorry if this is not comforting to read, ive got no idea how to provide comfort when i feel the same way...... what ive been trying to just tell myself is to try to live the best i can with what is happening.... and if the climate goes even more to hell, and if the world erupts in war, at least we can hope we went out trying our best to be happy and at peace and kind and loving with each other, as much as we could.....

[thisdogpaystaxes]

Ancient Dreams In A Modern Land by MARINA: Album Review

good evening, the wax pen and salad combo rn keeping me humble.i have only heard one (1) song from this album, so this is a raw dog. lets get into it, one tab for tumblr and the other for lyrics

starting with ancient dreams in a modern land, obviously the statement piece of the first half of the album since it is the album name. such a savvy intro, you know hot people are attracted to this kind of instrumental. she knows what she was doing naming the album after this song. it just screams confidence, independence and self love all laced with the sort of inquisitive energy to make you want to feel how she does (i do the same thing, thats why i know this song already). i love the dreamy contrast of the bridge

moving on

venus fly trap WOW. this is fucking fantastic??? her flow is insane, like the way she will accelerate during bold, !!!! lines, u kno? i fucking love this im going to throw up everywhere. this is so black and white from electra heart, its so beautiful to see her growth while maintaining her unique sound. i adore the sound and lyrics for this one a lot

oh man here we go UMMMMMMM I DONT WANT TO LIVE IN A MANS WORLD ANYMORE GIRLLLLL SPEAK YOUR DREWTH! i appreciate the strict contrast between the chorus and the other lines, and the way the bridge has the softness of the chorus is super important. i love her voice so fucking much

i enjoy not being able to predict her sound or flow based on titles

purge the poison WOWWWW little society song! so contemporary of u marina! i like her flow because shes telling a story and then the chorus is the reminder of the underlying message. i really like this, its not in your face about the messages, they are all really perfectly presented

i like the sequence of notes she hits in the intro to highly emotional people, it really goes with the lyrics and how you feel reading them, but it also provides this really cool form of pathos. something about that pitch creates a feeling of sincerity. its like "its okay to be vulnerable, you need to confide in others, you're loved" like its a really beautiful message, and i really appreciate her dedication to representing mens mental health in her songs like this.

new america is a very very insane switch up from the song before? UHHHH HER SEGWAY INTO THE NEXT LINES... her fucking voice is so god damn insane. this albums theme is definitely social injustice within america. that makes sense too w the album name. love the cohesion, good work marina.

pandora's box i have high hopes for just based on the name and the first lines. i read them before the song changes to try to guess her approach. and see this is not what i'd expect. ok no this.... is painful? wowww the high note for "stacked against the odds" like that screams representation of a crying voice crack and i fucking love it. jesus christ this one is personal i have literally endured this and her voice captures the rollercoaster of emotions you go through when you're this hurt. jesus fucking christ this one is good.

OHHHHHH THIS IS SO ME. I LOVE YOU BUT I LOVE ME MORE? SO FUCKING ME. okay this is so delicious! the fast transition to the lines after the chorus is really cool, its like "wait theres more!!!" i needed this song in 2019 and 2021. i like it a lot, the. guitar adds a very specific angst to the song that i haven't really seen her do before from what i know of her discography

back to slow?

not loving this. i'm gonna cry i know it! this song is giving my ego the kubrick stare. i would never go back to like any of the ppl who have hurt me and songs like this just solidify it for me. like this is exactly why i am emotionally unavailable, i am so into loving myself now bc i had to go through years of dating some stupid spoiled twink. jesus christ i love this song. flowers, you are a great song.

okay goodbye sounds interesting. knew this hard piano would come in! OOOOOOO OK OK OK OK STOP IM NOT DOING OK IM SO SAD IM SO SAD I LITERALLY HAVE TEARS STREAMING DOWN MY FACE THIS IS SO APPLICABLE IM GOING THROUGH THE WORST FRIENDSHIP BREAKUP IN MY LIFE? im so fucking emotional this hurts so bad she fucking gets me! she has this chokehold on human emotion, the way that her voice and instrumental and lyrics are all so beautifully cohesive is genuinely fucking awe inspiring. this song is going to definitely be on repeat. my stomach hurts. i love this song.

no the name happy loner is gay im sorry. but i like the lyrics. i, too, am emotionally on the edge of a knife. wowwww thats really good i have felt that way. that is exactly how i feel every time im depressed. i don't really love this song, i know its probably one that'll grow on me with time for sure.

pink convertible is suuuch a cunt name. i feel like this has to be up beat bc the last song was like heavy. oooooo ok the rhyme scheme in the lyrics is interesting in this one. oh what. so i like the lyrics, not too sure on the presentation. it's definitely like "think about my lyrics" instrumental. like the minimal instrumental until the dreamy chorus is so rad actually. the minimal instrumental is when its like serious and sad. but its dreamy when its addressing that we are living in a fantasy while everything around us suffers for it. okkkk no i like it i like it.

damn okay last one, that was fast. ok girl i seeee u. back to the self love theme, the independence of being a woman. literally like you spirit is so important and i get that righteous sense of "fuck you, i will never be suppressed by anyones actions" vibe that i genuinely fuck with. also like ur a loser if u try to hurt women anyway. women r literally beautiful no matter what, like just their spirit and warm nature is better than words. and then theres fucking men. like.. look at u! hurting the universe's gift. women are the best. i like this song.

great album. 9.7/10.

[kiwisaurusrexx]

learning recently how money works has vastly improved my life as an adult like. i had an idea growing up but i never had any concept of what prices for stuff were, what was and wasn’t reasonable. been looking at stuff recently and learning that like. yeah a $20 t shirt is p much par for the course, i’m not terribly fussed over stuff like that anymore.

when i first had my own money before i got a proper job i would try and spend as little as possible bc that’s what my mom did and i didn’t have much to spend in the first place. idk if it was intentional teaching how to budget or if my mom was just Like That.

if it was trying to teach me, i don’t think i really learned anything. i saw sm was more than i could afford at the mall w the 20 bucks my mom gave me and moved along. i thought shit was expensive when it’s rlly p average for what it was. my mom rlly only shopped (and still mostly does) at thrift stores where she can spend as little money as possible and while yeah i get that and i also enjoy thrift stores, it’s hard to find myself and who i want to be or present off of whatever ppl decided to donate recently.

ive been buying my own things recently and i love it. not bc heehoo new items but bc i get to figure out what i like and what represents me most i guess. i tend to like graphic tees but not ones that overdo it with image detailings, i dont like long sleeves unless i can push them up, cargo pants are gods sent, i prefer more muted colors. i gotten myself some cool pants i like, some demon slayer shorte, an atla shirt, a ddlc shirt, i literally bought a destiny shirt earlier tonight and im so excited. i bought a fucking waluigi christmas shirt!! im finally figuring out how i want to present myself both as an adult and as someone who’s transitioning.

i love growing up and learning things ab myself but in the more mundane way. it feels like the personality details ab a book character that you’d fall in love with. i’m finally feeling real recently and it’s so. reassuring, i guess, that i do actually exist and i havent just been masquerading around this concept of me or how i want to be perceived. i can actually recognize why ppl talk ab me the way they do and i feel like i deserve praise when i work hard rather than just feeling terrible but not knowing why when i dont get the support i needed.

idk tldr im just happy im finally rationalizing money and figuring out who i am and how i want to present myself. things really are getting better and growing up is. genuinely pretty cool.

[roguestarsailor]

DLKFJFKLSDFD KLDFSKLJDFSKJ I HATE HIM I FINALLY BLOCKED HIM AND UNFRIENDED HIM ON EVERYTHING I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH HIM EVER AGAIN I CANNOT BELIEVE I LET IT GO ON FOR SO LONG??? FOR WHAT??? SHE CAN HAVE THE BEST HE CAN GIVE AND I'LL KEEP MY LOVE TO MY FUCKEN SELF i hate that i am still on this guy. i saw the signs! so many signs!! also so many red flags!! what happened to love is suppose to feel calm like when im by the ocean??? its not this!! its not this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

this does feel like a good reason to leave. to finally cut the cord. severe it. burn it. i will be more vigilant now and im not going to look for the hope...that just give it a little more then it could work; that it could just magically click.

its just embarrassing cuz i did soo many tiny things to prove that it can be me. to prove to him that i can be desirable? to prove that i am worthy of love from him? because the good outshone the bad and i really want it. i wanted him to be someone i could love since i had already let him see so many private moments and he doesn't fucken care. i think i was just convenient??? just company until he found someone he liked; maybe hes just interested in viewing my life and sees it as entertainment? i let him in too long and i LET HIM INFLUENCE ME SO MUCH.

i didnt want to leave my old apartment because i really wanted him to come around more and it was so convenient for him. god i am so stupid. i went on those long strenuous hikes even though i just wanted to take it slow and smell the roses and just be in nature. i got my bike because i wanted to go cycling with him. i made myself do all these sports constantly because he said he likes athletic/active girls. i thought he'd see these interests of mine and be enamored. i thought i liked this growth but it wasn't mine. i pushed all my other interests away and was just anticipating his texts and 'want to dine?' texts on the weekends. i missed out on fun things i wanted to do because i knew i'd try to make plans with him. well more like he proposes something and i was just like 'yes!!' like a fucken dog. god i was so excited for those; and even let him play his music and just let him dismiss my music tastes and literally all my interests. his youtube, his music, his movies, his food choices, all his!! i tried stupid fucken salsa and he third wheel'd me. i went to ballet with him, i went whatever he wanted. i really wanted his fucken approval so badly.

pickleball never felt fun because once he sees me failing (we'll be on the same team), he'd demand another player swap with me or he'd just fucken leave. i dont trust him near my friends because hes laser focuses on finding a girlfriend and i was jealous that i can see him be with them rather than me. isn't that fucken insane?? that should be first red flag.

im insane and i need to be put away.

im going to learn from this but its hard to feel genuinely happy anymore. every man i meet pales in comparison and all the men in relationships i see, i am just so envious. how did they get so lucky? (well at least the ones who truly look like they're in love). and im trying to focus on other things but this floods my brain when i have alone time.

my heart hurts and i dont know how to make him not occupy my entire brain and i can't keep taking transit and holding back my tears. god the shame is so real. i feel embarrassed that i thought i had a chance, that finally it's my turn but i also feel embarrassed that he gave so little and yet i thought everything he did especially for me was sooo great and wonderful and i cherished it all.

i cherished the fact he's the one person that checks up on me. my own mother doesn't check on me as much as he does. i liked that he had my location because it felt nice that at least someone in this world knows where i am at all times; that someone cares.

i felt like someone cared and i've been craving that depth.

this is what is crushing about severing this relationship. nobody will know where i am and i'm scared to be forgotten.

[lazaruspiss]

20 questions for writers

tagged by @roipecheur mwah mwah !!

1. how many works do you have on AO3? - 34

2. what's your total AO3 word count? - 65,516

3. what fandoms do you write for? - its pure DC brainrot babes. maybe that'll change one day, but i have a hard time balancing multiple interests

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos? - A Kind Place To Rest, What’s in a gift?, Indulgence, Always a Kitten, Red Wings

5. do you respond to comments? - i try!!! but know that even if i don't reply i give each and every comment a lil smooch

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? - most of my stuff is pretty fucked up, but Black fish, blue fish, old fish, new fish. and The Leagues That Go Bump In The Night are probably up there? both because they involve Dick experiencing violent assaults with the promise of more to come and because he doesn't compartmentalize/justify/repress it much at all. so he's just forced to experience The Horrors. Damian's chapter in A curse in disguise. is the thing that actually makes me wanna yell though. I wrote that?? I only have myself to blame for making me feel things??? what the fuck man.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? - tough question. hm. I was able to pull up like, 6 candidates, but I'm not really sure how to measure "happy ending". Endings that were the most... more happy by the end than when they started...? i guess? There are a few that end on a "and the ship sailed happily ever after" type note. New Beginnings is a bit more enthusiastically happy, because Dick and Kori are just so damn excited to have babies

8. do you get hate on fics? - most of the hate i've gotten has been tumblr anons, lol

9. do you write smut? If so, what kind? - the freaky kind >:) (22/34 of my fics are explicit)

10. do you write crossovers? - nah. thought about it, have wanted to, but it takes a bit more planning than a regular fic

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? - nah

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? - no, but i would welcome it so long as it linked back and all that

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before? - WAIT YES I HAVE. in middle school i think? during a sleepover a friend and i sat together on a couch and sent emails back and forth, taking turns adding onto a smut fic about british gaming youtubers that i dont think they even knew? also our incredibly innocent/prudish christian friend might have also been there lmao. that fic stayed in our emails im pretty sure.

14. What's your all-time favorite ship? - ough...h hg..... jay and cole from ninjago. w other series i tend to be more "pick a fav and explore all possible parings involving them", but i only ever picture jay and cole with each other. for me that means something

15. What's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will? - oh uh. gotta bust out file explorer hold on. I did plan on making an entire series of fics connected to Little Princess, but I doubt I'll get to that, especially bc im not that proud of that fic anymore. there are a couple more fairly detailed and large projects sitting in my scrapped folder. and i mean, i keep a scrapped folder bc that way i dont have the pressure of finishing it but i still have the option if i want to.

16. What are your writing strengths? - uhm. uh.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? - forget to write the words. i also have a bit of dyslexia and miss stuff no matter how much i proof read

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic? - depends? if it's a full conversation then i think i'd opt for <dialogue> or something like that, but if it's for random background chatter or mixed language dialogue then maybe just use the actual words. kind of have to, in the second case. spanglish type talk is fun actually, like sometimes i just talk like that to try and figure out what spanish i remember

19. First fandom you wrote for? - probably minecraft youtubers? the first i posted online was my hero academia tho. dont ask me about MHA btw i literally only care about kaminari and stopped keeping up like 4 years ago

20. Favourite fic you've written? - uh. hm. Aha! only my third fic but it ticks all my boxes and i love it dearly: Lulu Belle And The Cat-Chaser

[nightfallsystem]

i know its easier said than done but you *really* do not have any sort of obligation to be good at or constantly improving at your hobbies. you deserve to do the things that you love, no matter if youre bad at them or not, or putting in the work to become better at them or just doing them for fun without any concern

ik this is the era of monetizing your hobbies and putting it all in social media and starting a small business or whatever the hell but thats literally just capitalism worming into our brains and it can go fuck itself. the word amateur has such negative connotations today, but it originally came from the french word for love, and i think thats still how it should be !!

i abandoned my hobbies too for a really long time and it made me feel so empty but ive been slowly coming back to them and ive realized that it was at least partially bc i was forcing myself to put in too much damn effort. i did not have that amount of effort in me, still dont, and thats ok ! like esp w art in my case, ive realized that being messy and loose w it and doing silly doodles brings me oodles more joy than forcing myself to create clean finished pieces, getting dissapointed w my skills, or just doing Nothing At All

its hard, but please try to give yourself some grace. pick an old hobby back up with no expectations, or try something new with the intention of having fun first and foremost, maybe even with the express purpose of being bad at it ! youre allowed to be, you dont owe the world a thing

i really appreciate it im srory but i cannot be helped thouh . but this means a lot to me so thank you. i am a lost cause unfrotuanteyl

it just sucks bcuz like. i try so hard to be good for months and then my friends literally do 50x better than me after just pickng up thh game so its like extremely discouraging because i want to be better because hhthhats what i really want to do it sems fun but thats legit never ever going to fucking happen so hwhhahts the point if i cant acheieve hhwhat i want to achieve

and ntehres also my anxiety and that wont ever be cured or at least lessened ever so i physically cant have any new hobbies anymore...

i feel empty as hell after abandoning almost every hobby i have but i think i just need to get over it and grow up i have art andn studying i should be happy anyway

[wanderrlust0]

sudden rant turned spiral lol oops

my friend got tickets to see hozier aka andrew their wife and basically got them for us since i said id be down to go. personally im not like a fan where id go see him but id say im a casual listener. like i knew a good amount of songs. i loveee cherry wine and others. now that we have this concert coming up on june 7, ive become a listener. i gotta prepare and all that yknow. cant go to andrew unprepared. also..idk how?! but i was not aware of his thick irish accent.. loll and i mean, even in his new album, he sings with a clear accent?? idk how i never noticed before honestly. so yeah, im curious to know what a hozier concert will be liikeeee. this will be my second concert this yr and they both involve me going bc a friend asked me to go for company lol. i am going to another in august w my bf to see porter robinson and thats actually one i will really enjoy!! itll also be our first like “edm” dance music type concert so itll be so cool. its at the same stadium that hozier will be at as welllll..but you see, what im procrastinating is telling my bf im going w my friend. my friend who hes not a fan of. the one who he thinks is a Threat! D: ive been knowing for likee 2 weeksish and havent said a single word about it agdjfkfl but i am calling it now.. i. will. tell. him. tomorrow. period. no ifs ands or buts. i need to stop worrying and just rip the bandaid off. once i do tho, im still gonna feel anxious bc literally The NEXt WEEk we will most likely go to my (ex)coworkers second party. (the one who threw a halloween party and i didnt know if wed go but we were already hanging out that day so i mentioned it prior and we ended up having enough time and the girls house was very close to me so we ended up dropping by and i told elias right then and there so it was very last minute and kind of fucked up of me but ive developed an avoidance thing towards him if it has to do with snow bc of everything and thats why now i cant help myself from feeling nervous to ever bring them up around him bc im scared he’ll revert back and not love me and start resenting me and leave me and be mean to me and make me feel lonely and accuse me of things and say its my fault i started the friendship in the first place and that im not committed to him and dont love him anymore and everything else under the sun bc hes got trust issues which is a pain and he’ll go from loving me so hard to not in a quick minute if he starts thinking the worst possibilities and i just cant handle all of that and tbh its nothing new so ive grown to understand the process and that itll pass but it really does suckk and it can turn into a turn off and then he becomes emotionally unavailable and then i become emotionally annoyed and then its a constant reoccurring cycle that doesnt always look the same but they follow the same theme which is trust and every time it happens i want to shout at his ex for causing him to develop this issue and this is me spiraling right now bc im nervous and to be crystal clear its not bc im doing anything shady at all or anything with this friend but i just wanna feel the freedom to just casually hang out with them without it feeling so taboo or whatever bc we still have so many plans that wed like to do and idk if he will ever be okay with me going to their house and idk when he’ll ever get better where he wont care how many times we hang out or how often we talk and i just want him to chill about them bc theyre not a bad person at all theyre not this homewrecker girlfriend stealer he makes it out to beeee were literally just existinggg were literally just two friends who enjoy each others company and existence and have become very open and genuine with fairly quickly and we somehow just connected and i truly do love them as a friend and im happy weve crossed paths and stayed in touch and its just something he cant and wont fully understand about us but hes been trying to at least a little but is mainly just dealing with it bc he knows he cant stop me and im not gonna stop my friendship bc hes telling me to so,

…continued…

[earlysunshines]

hai hai hai!!!!

5, 6, 11, and 29 pls pls pls

HI hyunie 😁😁

5. what made you start your blog?

- basically i sent an ask to @soliarus ab a kindergarten sana series and BTW THEY FINSIHED IT AND ITS MY FAV THING EVERRR and then yeah i realized that hey maybe i should start writing despite not rly being a writer, but i imagine a lot of things and its hard to keep that in my head!! so i put it into words and ppl liked it!! so here i am :-)

but yeah starting my blog has made me a bit conflicted w my skills but i’ve met sooo many nice ppl on here and gained lots of love and i appreciate it and don’t regret this at all!!!

so basically yeah i just realized that hey i don’t have to send asks i can literally just… write the story…

6. what's the best and worst part of being online/a creator?

i like being able to connect w ppl and even if we don’t talk anymore or things die down or lose connection completely i never regret any of it. i love talking to ppl on here and seeing reblogs w funny little captions or ppls thoughts lol

worst thing is ummm i get harsh on myself when certain things get less notes and idk i feel like i need to get better constantly but it’s whatever i feel like that with a looooytt of things LOL at the end of the day it’s seriosuly whatever

11. what do you consider to be romance?

i can’t put it into words well but i’ll try to

i think romance is simply having someone that you can be very intimate with and you’re willing to put up a lot and give them your all, that is what i felt at least with the ppl i’ve loved romantically

when i think of romantically i just think of someone u can kiss and be rly rly like idk in love with?? like u can kiss and fuck and whatnot but that’s the only difference between a friend that u love a lot i think the line btwn platonic and romantic is like u can kiss them on the lips and fuck and be physically affectionate but your heart does flips instead of feeling normal

this is why i love friends to lovers bc someone already knows you and loves you as YOU and then they start to like u romantically like they wanna make u letters and kiss u and hold your hand and love u and just ugghhh i loveeee

29. what do you do when you're sad?

depends on why but i think i deal w my emotions rly badly like ill kinda grab notes app and isolate myself for a bit until i forget ab it or push it to the side if i dont rly wanna deal w it and then im normal again LOL

and if it’s pretty bad i guess i’ll cry and get over it but i don’t cry too often so

idk i just😭😭hate feeling sad it’s embarassing for me i can’t😭😭yuck vulnerability!!

[forestryfae]

so first of all i need rly need a bike. fucking nice. i have one but from what i remember its too tall plus its been in the garage for like 5 years. so thats a nice thing to waste money on

secondly i need more pants, some of the thinner ones are starting to get too small. again.

thirdly i was p much woken up with "you need to move rooms today" an hour before work like three or four months ago and i was told id be moving into a FINISHED room. it resulted in me complaining for 3 months that my room didnt have a heater, the lights in the entryway and room didnt work, and the light in the bathroom is screaming at me.

so instead of like. fixing any of this they just stole a lightbulb from the room i was in before i moved and put it in my new room. they also checked the lamp in the bathroom but "i cant hear anything" so they just didnt fix the screeching. i still havent gotten anew lightbulb in the hall and i finally got heater sometime during summer vacation

forth of all they also. keep fucking changing the rules. some of the people here will happily wait five minutes extra for people without them needing to ask and gladly comes knocking on tveir door, but some of them will tell you you need to let them know youll be 2 minutes late or theyll just leave without you. like what the fuck. i cant be a minute or two late so i can grab my fucking work clothes before i go to work??

why do some of these people get special treatment. why do they get extra care while i can be in my room crying for two days and noone notices. if im upset they usually dont talk to me unless im angry enough at them specifically to either scream or slam doors but any other person being sad warrants repeated attempts at a fucking intervention to fix everything. they dont come to my room if im not there for something they know id enjoy but theyll come get anyone else no problem. its person to person too so some of the workers very clearly have better communication and bonds with certain people and prioritize them and easily ask them to do stuff

i cant even talk to my fucking contacts or tell people when im so sad i dont know why im alive and im frequently forgotten about and ignored, and its not like i can say "i need people to actually show me im welcome and wanted because of how ive been treated in the past and how my brain is wired to anticipate social settings" xus thats not a real thing. im just being attentionseeking and whiny and ill just hear i "should be afraid to talk to people" and i "have to show initiative" and i shouldnt put the responsibility of whatever onto other people but like. its always been like that. im not welcome or expected unless im specifically invited, noone indirectly invites me then gets surprised that i didnt join or asks if im coming. most invitations are aimed at everyone too.

and im trying so hard too. i try so hard to fit in and act the way i think people would like, cus i know noone likes me when i try to just be myself, and somehow im still not likeable enougj. but if someones cranky or antisocial and generally harder to get to join or get out of their rooms thats fine, theyll try harder w that person. not with me though.

like. would be fucking nice if someone else could take the role of making sure im included because im wanted for once.instead of me having to do that myself and constantly worrying about it being a hit or miss. would be really fucking nice if someone could ask if im sad or upset in a genuine manner instead of fucking asking "how are you" or "what are you doing". noone asks how are you because they want to know how youre doing, they ask cus they want you to tell them youre okay so they dont have to talk to you. never in my life has either of thise questions meant anything other than say okay so i can congratulate myself for caring when i dont. its like saying hi. its not meant to be a real conversation.

like i really miss being able to say im not okay and being able to be angry. i literally cant do that anymore, im too numb to be angry, i dont know how to validate myself, none of my problems are big enough to be real, none of my feelings matter unless someone else says its ok to feel stuff, i cant say anything is wrong cus then im whiny and negative, i cant complain cus thats annoying and selfish, i cant have needs cus thats selfish, self centered, and egoistical and im not the only person in the world and im not the only one who matters, and i cant have stuff i want cus thats cringey. thats embarrassing.

i want a new house? i have one so why am i complaining, im only miserable cus im not trying hard enough to enjoy living there. i just need to go on walks daily and find something to do during the day. in an area where i dont know the forest with a budget of nothing if i wanna eat the last two weeks of the month without wasting my 1k nok in savings

i want family to come visit me? (not anymore but i used to) tough luck people have their own lives and are too busy to drive 30-45 minutes to spend a couple hours with me or help me with things they specifically told me theyd help me with like. once in a while. maybe even just once or twice a month. but if i call ahead i can take the train and come visit them for 6-8 hours minimum. i pay the ticket ofc. fuck them.

i want something new, like furniture im going to use or just a funky trinket i found or i want some new hobby materials for a hobby i wanna try? no i dont. you dont NEED that, you wont even use it, its a waste of money. no fun allowed.

i cant even talk about stuff i wanna DO or try or anything cus it doesnt matter. its not important so it doesnt matter. its not big enough. its all too small and its not interesting enough. nothing i say is worth listening to even if its the exact same shit everyone else talks about.

like. i just dont get it. theres clearly something very wrong here and i know my family is a huge reason for that but i just dont understand how everything works vs is supposed to work vs isnt supposed to work. i have no concept of normal and fucked up behaviour, i literally cant tell shit apart. i can tell when something upsets me, sometimes, but thats not a good enough reason to be angry or upset, and i cant base my social interactions on that. i cant tell if im uncomfortable or not either so thats fun. not that it matters.

like. idk. i just want a lightbulb so my room isnt so dark in the evening. i dont think its too much to ask. i dont think its an unfair accusation that i think itll take a week or two atleast before i get one and theyll forget i still need one for the entryway. they dont even have any extra lightbulbs so we dont have to go several days without a working ceiling light. they just never bought any.

[hauntedknightwalker]

been feelin a lil eh lately, im hoping to hear back from my psych and doctor soon about potential therapy... cause i need that shit fr

I'm having a lot of self worth issues, i mean, they were always there... but its just gotten worse.

I dont wanna get into it rn, but ive been having a really hard time lately. people who i thought were cool with me are starting to act like im annoying and rude... even my own family.

im trying to tell myself that its just mental illness shit, but it gets harder and harder to ignore when everyone around you is acting this way.

its getting harder to sleep, even with my meds. and i know more meds isnt the solution (literally, if i take more of these, itll stop my heart, i dont want that)...

i dont wanna burden friends w this shit cause i feel like ive lost a lot of friends already. i dont wanna lose anymore w my problems and also annoying ass

also i know i sound like a sad kicked puppy rn BUT PLEASE PLEASE tell me if im bothering you... i would rather be sad but knowledgeable than sad and paranoid... cause i have severe paranoia, if theres any subtle change in tone, i know. do i know what its about? no, but paranoia dont care, i just immediately assume i did something wrong. (please dont make a "not everything is about you" comment tho, that legit just makes everything worse, like thats the worst thing you could say to someone who's being vulnerable)

i just... idk, i just need help... and im hoping ill get some good news and be on the list for therapy. if not, then ill have to pay for it, which isnt gonna be great, but im desperate at this point.