#i am genuinely BARELY surviving at this point & Still shit just Keeps Piling On.

[ozlices]

as a person w so goddamn much medical trauma the thought of having to go through the process to find a new doctor that is not just simply compatible w me, but who is also, like. u know. an actually nice, understanding person who will put genuine effort into taking proper care of me is so taxing. like i wish it was a simpler process, but it's not. bc i gotta deal w the very real possibility that by having to go through this process, my medical trauma will be worsened even further. & it is already bad enough that i have panic attacks every time i have to go to any sort of medical facility.

im literally so fucking furious over how much this happens. & that there's no fucking consequence for doing it to a Human Being. for tossing a Human Being that needs medical care aside like a piece of fucking trash. the american healthcare system is such a stupid fucking joke.

[enderwoah]

ORIGINS SMP HEADCANONS (because i love them): SEASON TWO EDITION BAYBEEE

(this is really long ENJOY :gun:)

tommy

he is phil's son smile

phil's most recent son at least

he's got like one more somewhere

he picked this one up off the dangerous streets a few years ago and he's been sticking with phil ever since

his wings are small- not too small to fly, but they're untrained to the point where it would take a lot or work to get him off the ground

but at first, he didn't really seem to want to learn all that much?

(he has three scars on his face- all from trying to learn how to fly when he was younger)

(he gave up after the third one)

("if at first you don't succeed; try, try again" is his motto, and he tried all three times)

but!! phil and wilbur are very persuasive :) and now that he knows he can fly, he's not going to rest until he does

he's a little manipulative to get what he wants sometimes, but can you blame someone that lived on the street for so long?

he had to do that to survive! it's not his fault.

(it's a great excuse.)

he laughs like a kookaburra amen

he squawks when he gets scared

he chirps. he tries not to because it makes phil go absolutely bird-brained but he does sometimes and he hates it.

tubbo

NOW'S YOUR CHANCE TO BE A B[GUNSHOTS]

god he is. so fucking annoying (/rp)

he simply does not know when to stop

he ignores social cues to see when someone is annoyed

(see: he can read social cues. he does read social cues. when you get annoyed that's when he starts being more annoying, because you're more likely to give him what he wants to get him to shut the fuck up.)

he loves talking to (at) people, especially people he doesn't really know that well

so he's trying to be friends with ranboo, but the absolute prick keeps trying to avoid any actual conversations, so that's not working

he buzzes when he gets excited-happy

his fingertips are completely blackened and horrendously sharp, functioning as ten individual stingers

they don't do any actual damage but he's working on that

techno

wither hybrid (??)

how can you be a wither hybrid?? nobody got down and dirty with the wither

he's an experiment

the reason we haven't seen him yet? he's staying away from the main area of the smp

he doesn't want to ruin its natural beauty with his withering effect, so he keeps to himself on the outskirts of the smp

which sucks

withers get health from killing things

he's not fully a wither, so he gets energy from being around people and sort of draining their life force a little bit

he feels terrible when he's with just one person because they are Literally his life support and it makes the person feel like shit

when he's with a big group of people its great!! he only has to take a little bit from everyone and its barely noticable!!

but then there's the wither part. so he has to stay away.

he's always tired

always exhausted

he's a farmer, so taking it from animals works, but god does he miss people

but he can only visit a few times and for very short

(he's afraid that one of these days he'll get so bad that the next time he sees someone he'll accidentally kill them)

(it already happened once. he's blessed that he's been forgiven, even made friends with by the victims, but he doubts he'll be able to pull that off again with no consequences like last time)

wilbur

phantlings are dead elytrians, and given that wilbur was phil's son...he's a phantling

he died in the late 50s and was a librarian when he was alive, so he's very possessive (ha) over all of his things

you should never ask to "borrow" anything from him, he will hound you about it until you give it back

it's best to just say that you want something from him to keep

even if youre going to give it back

just for your own peace of mind

phantlings can feel fear and get a genuine feeling of elation from scaring people

of course, sometimes its unwelcome (feeling large amounts of fear from someone they care about in a bad way just makes them pissed)

but for the most part, wilbur loves appearing in the corner of people's visions just to jumpscare them a few minutes later

all in good fun, of course!! it's just hilarious :)

being the lighthearted, fun guy he is, he's not particularly secretive about his method of death

"how did i die? well, it all started -- ended -- on november 16th, 1958!"

"i walked out of the library late, since i took the shift for my wife since she was feeling sick and i worked there anyways,"

"the streets were dark and only lit up by gaslamps...and out of an alley...appeared..........."

techno.

he didn't mean it. wilbur isn't at all mad at him (anymore)

he was starving. he didn't know that one touch would be enough to fully revitalize him...

and murder wilbur where he stood.

sneeg

has details on everyone on the server

you Cannot Hide Shit From Sneeg

its impossible

if you find of his any shittly little mouse holes then you're doomed

you find one and there are twenty more

he's under your floorboards while you're having your important discussion about trapping the nether roof

sucks to suck ig??

he seems to be the favourite of many, which is weird since he rarely goes out of his way to actually talk to many people

he's the only person that tubbo doesn't actively try to annoy (or maybe he just doesn't find tubbo's antics all that annoying)

he's the only person that ranboo stays around (or maybe he stays around ranboo- he and Phil seem to be the only ones not off-put by his slightly sadistic and whiny demeanour (not counting tubbo, who annoys him anyways)

phil seems to be more protective of him than he thinks is normal (he lets sneeg ride on his shoulder while travelling, so he doesn't really complain)

niki is completely protective over him (again, not complaining)

contrary to popular believe, he does not get high from sugar

if anything he gets

high-per

(get it)

(high-per)

(hyper)

he's literally just a nine-year old getting a sugar rush leave him alone

phil

take the normal "bird-brain" headcanons and multiply it by like sixty-four

and you've got origins phil

he can't see glass- or, rather, he can, but it doesn't register that 'hey, this is a solid surface i am going to slam into'

its very funny for everyone else but he's pretty sure he has permanent brain damage from the blunt force trauma

if there is ANYONE on the server who dares to chirp, bird or no, they must understand that they are signing away their privacy and giving phil the right to go absolutely bonkers over them momma bird style

(shoutout to tommy, wilbur, ranboo, and fundy for having to suffer through this)

"oh??? you don't have wings?? you don't have feathers?? omg?? then what's this im preening?? what do you mean im just braiding your hair?? nono this is preening smile"

god help you if you dare to have wings

poor tommy, wilbur, sneeg, and tubbo

phil can't help himself alright

do you think he wants to be any sort of protective over sneegsnag?

no!! but he cant stop himself!! sneeg might damage his wings if he keeps flying those super long distances!!! nnnno! carry the bug man!!!

it's weird, he's always had that protective sense over ranboo, too

but ranboo very obviously doesn't have wings, so he doesn't get it...

ranboo

yes ur a peasant

yes ur poor

yes im cooler than u

what r u gonna do about it

the enderdragon's son! partially a dragon, partially enderman, partially human (don't ask, his other mom is a hybrid), all spoiled brat!

given that he has a ton of dragon genes, he's extremely possessive over his stuff and Yes He Does Do The Hoarding Thing

he has a pile of rings and gold chains and necklaces and most of his jewellery hidden underneath his bed

(if you ask him, no, he doesn't)

not to wear

just to Have

one time, fundy stole one (1) bracelet from the hoard and ranboo was sent into a panic for a good 24 hours

he wouldn't leave his cave and kept counting and recounting as if that'd make the missing piece reappear

(when fundy had to give it back because of the guilt, he expected to get his face bitten off)

(instead, he just watched as the prince was flooded with relief, telling him to get the hell out and nothing more)

it's weird, he has so much gold and even a crown, and yet here he is

living with all those people ^^^

truth be told, the enderdragon isn't a very nice dragon

nor is she a very kind queen

nor was the other queen

nor was her son

there was a mutiny in the end, leading to the dragon queen and her wife being killed brutally by the crowd of angered people

they went after their son next, who had ordered executions and worked servants to the bone just as much as they had

they cut off his wings in the middle of the square

he was sure he was going to die until a random person (a peasant) jumped up and yelled at them for publicly torturing a child

but ranboo didn't really catch all of it, given he was delirious from pain

he got to get some stuff quickly and escape with his life

this wasn't too long ago, either, so he's still trying to...adjust...to people talking rudely to him

(he's also trying to adjust to not having wings)

(hence why he hurls himself off the edges of cliffs and then has to teleport to the bottom instead of glide. he keeps forgetting.)

[why-this-kolaveri-machi]

you’re not the poison; it’s me.

... um. titans 2.07 absolutely WRECKED me you guys, and i would like to tell you why in excruciating detail:

SPOILERS ahead

(and before i go ahead, i just want to say this: this episode deals with ptsd and psychosis and suicidal ideation explicitly, in ways that even i found difficult to watch. it’s very intense. please keep that in mind if you decide to watch it.)

1. usually genre tv shows like to pile on the trauma but deal with its fallout either rarely or in oblique ways--shots of the character brooding, a couple of ‘candid’ talks filled with frustrating euphemisms, then it’s on to tackling the next plot point. not titans tho--for this show, the trauma is very much the point. the plot is wafer-thin and takes a backseat as the show takes episode after episode to break down its central characters and hammer it in that there are no easy fix-its for complex trauma, and that Dealing with it is a continuous, sometimes lifelong process. it forces you to keep re-evaluating and re-contextualising the actions of these characters and challenges your assumptions.

1.5. for instance: let’s take donna troy. in s1 she was the put-together big sister to dick, content with living her life outside the superhero community while giving sound advice to dick about how he can get his own life back on track. now? she’s a stressed, paranoid wreck, plagued by horrible memories and taking her insecurities out on dick and jason and whoever else is available. deathstroke’s machinations aside, there’s something deeply dysfunctional about the way the original titans operated, the ways they brought both the best and the worst out of each other. it seems like none of them really understood the seriousness of what they were doing until they did something truly terrible that they couldn’t take back, and it was earth-shattering enough that donna completely abandoned her old life to live as a civilian. trigon’s vision for her in 2.01 reminded her that she was fooling herself; coming back to titans tower and actually having to face what made her run away in the first place has broken down the walls she’s spent five years putting up. it’s not pretty to watch, but... it tracks.

2. after having written post after post about dick cracking under relentless stress and the weight of his own guilt complex, it was startling to see him actually fall apart. halluci!bruce was absolutely brutal and really brought home the fact that Good Lord, Dick Grayson Is So Far From Okay That It’s Not Even Funny Anymore. 

because here’s the thing: dick is deeply unwell, and however the show proceeds with his character from here on out, this episode made absolutely no bones about that fact. his single-minded dash to find and kill slade is framed as both irrational and suicidal. he’s visibly on edge, bursting into bouts of uncontrollable rage. he’s shown to carry a guilt complex the size of mount everest, to the point where it actually seems delusional. he’s fucking terrified of abandonment, to the point where he’d rather cut off ties on his own rather than have others leave him. he’s constantly berating himself and this doesn’t give him a moment to sit down and think and try to form a rational plan. halluci!bruce even mentions meds and “uppers and downers” to cope, and i am genuinely concerned that that was what dick actually did to cope in the immediate aftermath of whatever the fuck went down with him and joey and deathstroke. maybe it’s ptsd with a secondary psychosis triggered by nearly losing jason the same way he lost his parents (and massive sleep deprivation, i imagine), or maybe there’s another underlying chronic mental illness. either way, he needs help. 

man but halluci!bruce was vicious. if this is what dick has running in his head at all times, no wonder he broods, and no wonder he takes others admonishing his choices with barely any protest! 

2.25. looking at this from a different perspective, tho, here’s another way in which bruce wayne functions as a symbol on this show. phantom!bruce is how dick normally externalises everything he hates about himself, and this dynamic plays out very literally in this episode. 

interestingly, and somewhat heartbreakingly, it took dick accepting and internalising his low opinion of himself and his veritable ocean of guilt for judgy!bruce wayne to turn into loving, concerned!bruce wayne, who would comfort dick and wipe his tears. (it is entirely heartbreaking that that’s what dick subconsciously craves from bruce.) dick must debase himself for love and acceptance. it’s fucking tragic. 

2.55. and what does it mean--for dick and for his friendships with the og titans--that he’s so convinced that they would leave him if he told them the truth about jericho? for one, even back then, it seemed like dick was doing a lot of the emotional labour for the team: as a leader he both funnelled and executed the team’s plans, with responsibility for the fallout falling unevenly and mostly on his shoulders; he acted as the go-between for the team and bruce, for donna and garth, probably for hank and dawn, given he was dawn’s rebound. later, hank and dawn are visibly concerned by how viciously he fights. after re-forming the titans, he continues to shoulder responsibility for the shit-show that deathstroke rains on them, although he didn’t know deathstroke was alive when he re-opened the tower. of course he thinks that the team will think that he’s beyond redemption if they find out the truth; of course he’d want to go and finish off deathstroke on his own--or die in the process--before any of them finds out. 

2.75. but guys, here’s the thing: in spite of all of this, dick grayson still went around to check on conner and jason and assure the latter that he didn’t blame him for running off on his own. he saw jason standing there on a precipice right at the end, and decided he was going to be opaque anymore, or fall back on what he learned from bruce. he sits down with jason and finally divulges the secret that he had been willing to die to protect--making himself vulnerable to save jason’s life. he’s trying so goddamn hard even though his brain is rioting against him right now and probably has been for years. it’s just--i can’t imagine a truer, more sensitive portrayal of dick grayson than this.

3. watching jason reach his breaking point was,,, Not Fun. it’s one thing to be seemingly passed on like unwanted baggage from guardian to guardian. to be viewed with contempt and impatience when he just wants to make sure his voice isn’t lost in the constant shuffle. to be looked at as an impostor by the very people he looks upto. to be assigned the role of hot-headed fuck-up despite all his attempts to be useful, to prove himself. but to have all of that fall on him all at once on top of (poorly) dealing with a near-death experience? yikes.

3.25. and the horrible, tragic, human part of it all is that donna and the others probably didn’t even know what they were doing to jason by piling on him like that? he’s a relative outsider to both rachel and the og titans. he’s an arrogant prick that’s easy to hate. without dick and gar to stand up for jason, he’s cornered by people who haven’t even gotten to the point of seeing him as a vulnerable kid that’s struggling, just like the rest of them.

3.5. and so the two robins perch on the ledge, each convinced that they are poison that will either kill or drive their friends away. it’s a fraught moment of connection that stops jason from jumping, but he doesn’t step away. both of them are on a precipice in more ways than one; i can only hope they help each other land on the right side.1

also, bruce wayne? send your sons to therapy MY GOD

4. kory and rachel using their awesome powers in concert to cure conner! kory using her cultural background to connect to and help conner! conner mumbling in kryptonian! krypto fucking shooting across the sky with eve on his back! in such a sad and intense episode, it’s important to remember that some fantastic things happened as well!

5. here’s the thing: i don’t think dick killed jericho in the way that he probably thinks he does. dick is a hugely unreliable narrator--that’s been his Thing since s1. part of me thinks jericho should be dead; whatever happened with him and the titans has been built up to be such an earth-shattering event that it would kinda be cheating if he survived anyway. the other bigger part of me says: fuck that noise. JOEY WILSON LIVES, and that’s that

6. gar was sleeping? are you kidding me??? i’m assuming deathstroke drugged him or something so that he wouldn’t be there to Talk Sense and stop these melodramatic fools from tearing into each other. i can only hope that there’s some Big Plans for him down the line. 

[derangedhyena-zoids]

So now that I have a chance to write this in an orderly manner:

In my land of things, Hiltz is a Complete Monster. 

I only work with two* Complete Monsters in any of my stories, and the other one is technically abandoned, so. I don't have a lot of real estate for the explorations that come with these kinds of characters just because they tend to fucking bend space around them and make the whole story darker just because they're in it. Not every story I have is down for this, nor am I. so.

(*there is another character in KB  that is kind of this, but [it's complicated, and] their innate lack of emotional depth makes them not really... the same. being indifferent to abuse vs being oblivious to it is a big divider imo)

Despite the backstory comic I just made, I'm not trying make him sympathetic. That piece is just a tiny, specific, show-relevant slice of backstory that I've had in-mind for a LONG while because it was sorely missing. It exists just as much to "explain" him as it does point out that there were steep ethical issues involved with humans obliviously dredging up the past. Plus plants a flag in what relevance I think Hiltz actually had to the death of Raven's parents. I've always wanted someone to make something for that span of time and to my knowledge no one has. So.

My Hiltz backstory IN ZOIDIAN TIMES would very quickly paint him in a different light, and that's more-or-less why he essentially does a backflip and accelerates past the Moral Event Horizon fast in my canon because he was already there, just wasn't whole and hale enough to recall it. Also keep in mind that he's narrating the backstory piece (by necessity) so of course he's presented well.

He was part of a group that was already on an outright genocidal crusade against other Zoidians (and Zoids, and Organoids) who weren't "strong" enough and therefore deserved to die for the betterment of the species. That group got heavily into the power of the primal (you know, the four F's... except for them it was more like 3) because of the viciously positive feedback loop it set up. Their unyielding brutality was incompatible with the... you know, DECENT society other groups were trying to maintain. Hence big war, big apocalypse.

The events that led up to the Death Saurer/Death Scorpion took a long, excruciating time, over which the group Hiltz was part of chewed through the fabric of society like a cancer. Part of what made things really bad was the creeping conversion to the "winning" side's way of thinking. The assault on their society was both outright (active attacks on peaceful settlements) and insidious (attempts to convert, planting people in key positions/institutions, etc).

Once Hiltz got his wits about him in CC-times and realized what had happened, he felt obligated to do something to erase humanity - which was many times worse than even the most "inferior" Zoidian. The issues being, during his early time among humans he lost a fair amount of his mental stability because they did not treat him well (read: vivisected, and unintentionally they basically starved him), and he was kept in isolation. This damage was compounded by the lack of having Ambient around - Zoidians don't do well without their Organoids, and especially in that group they'd become over-reliant on them.  

So... Hiltz started out pretty penalized on the sanity front. (The only reason he just didn't up and die was because he was so strong-willed)

Then he realized the futility of his entire, prior belief system, life and efforts up to that point given that Zoidians were basically a dead race (hence his wide nihilistic streak) ... then let himself be tempted by One... then was basically, inadvertently mentally stabbed to death by Ambient carrying around the shard of One... then (in his mind) was betrayed by Ryss. And, you know, the whole Death Stinger power trip thing didn't help. There was very little good about him to begin with, but by GF there just Wasn't Any. He was completely ax-crazy.

But let me back up a little bit. 

Let's consider that tetchy canon timeline.

Per the math, Ryss being found in the Imperial village with Nicholai happened 3 years prior to when Hiltz retrieved Ambient & Raven's parents were killed. The Republican army attacked that village and took young Ryss, but given that Prozen had all the information about that village and its associated events restricted/classified, I'm going to make a relatively safe assumption that he had Imperial forces shitkick the Republican ones shortly thereafter and they took possession of Ryss.  

Ryss wasn't treated as badly as Hiltz was, but she wasn't treated especially well either. She had Specula so fared much better overall, but... she had Specula and people kept trying to mess with/take Specula away and THAT wasn't great. However, the Imperial Army - aggressively subverting expectations - was far more conservative in their Zoidian research so never did anything too drastic. Ryss was also incredibly hostile because she was afraid. She barely knew the language, and the range of traumatizing human behaviors she’d seen didn't help much.

Hiltz lived in that small colony during this timeframe, oblivious. Several years later though, after recovering his memory, he sought out the opposing faction, because fuck the Republicans and he needed resources to do anything. He figured he could talk, teleport, and brute force his way around - and he was right, and very soon was acquainted with Prozen.

And here's where I'm going to put up some 'sensitive subject' caution tape.

Shortly after that is when he learned they had a young ancient Zoidian girl in their custody. Obviously this was INCREDIBLY relevant to Hiltz's interests - remember, at that point he wasn't aware of any other living Zoidians, and from what he learned from the Scholar had become concerned that most that would've otherwise survived, had been killed.

So Hiltz is introduced to Ryss, who's matured a little but she's still the Zoidian equivalent of a preteen.

Remember: Hiltz is from the Big On Genocide group and to anyone who knows what's up, it's written all over him. Ryss is from a smaller clan that was specifically targeted by Hiltz's group so of course she's torn between being absolutely terrified and being glad that someone who speaks her language and understands Organoids exists at all.

Hiltz explained the situation as he understood it, and worked to gain Ryss's trust by basically denouncing his association with his group. He put an end to her being held against her will, and they stayed together from then on. But let's be real. Hiltz wanted to fuck her six ways from Sunday. And she was VERY aware of this. And he knew she was very aware of this. So on and so forth. (read: at this point in time Ryss found she could easily exert control over exactly one person and did so. Much to Hiltz’s chagrin.) 

However, not only were there functional issues with this (eg Specula wasn't fully sexually mature, which tl;drs into "Ryss wasn't yet either" - and obviously part of Hiltz's interest was reproduction), Hiltz also did have the sense to not... you know, rape a child. He did genuinely want Ryss to trust him, work with him, and - hey, you know, maybe even -want- to be his mate? Pickings were slim after all, but there wasn't any reason they couldn't make the best of a bad situation. (maybe he might have tried “not constantly thinking of her as a lesser” but okay)

So everyone grew up some more and hooray, Guardian Force.

Thing is, Hiltz was an angry, mentally-unstable person with a slow but vicious temper, and though Ryss rarely caught sight of that, his wanton violence was a bit scary. Ryss also began to sympathize more with humans over time, which Hiltz couldn't stand. Ryss especially sympathized with Raven, who she initially was just intrigued by, but then she kiiiind of fell for him.        

[insert that short comic, Collapse.]

I have no intention, never have had any intention, of portraying Hiltz positively. In my canon he's a disgusting, broken, shambling mess with offensively high Charisma and I thematically like the idea of his atrocious scattering of a lineage having to deal with all the problems that'd come with (also, hi: the whole thing with anyone of Zoidian blood feeling compelled to Zoids and especially Organoids? Is a sort of allegory for addiction, which... yanno, runs in families)

k? k.

Oh and Ambient is an aggressively problematic pile of shit also. He's just as vicious as Hiltz. Aren't we excited to have him show up in NC? HAHAH FUCK.

Organoids are their own entities, though. He's not just some strange extension of Hiltz's personality. He's his own "person" - one who's been a delighted participant in -many, many- atrocious acts. He's arrogant and prideful, he's got a dark sense of humor and is loyal to a fault. He just doesn't have a handle on the problems One has caused him, and it's gnawed at him for years. (and unlike the older canon version, he's not completely lost his mind or anything - but depressed wallowing in a pit of failure and hate for years isn't really healthy.)

He's also held on to grudges for dear life, because otherwise the vastness of existence w/o partners for a hugely social creature was untenable.

Basically, I think there may be some hope for him to be turned around as a character. Hiltz - nope, never.

[oflgtfol]

I’m Going To Talk About Kung Fu Panda Now

as much as it pains me to say this as your local Number One Kung Fu Panda Fan, like........ kfp 3 is, not as good as 1 and 2....... but i am going to talk about it bc i do love kfp and i love talking abt kfp and so this falls under that lol

NOW LIKE, OBJECTIVELY, kfp 3 is still a great movie. it is still such a good movie especially compared to animation in recent years.

it’s just that like, kung fu panda 1 and 2 were just, SO good, they set the bar so high, so when the third movie was an objectively good movie it just... wasn’t as good as its predecessors

and i think it can really be boiled down to two things: the music and the villain, two things the kfp movies are renowned for

a lot of people point to the comedy as the reason for this movie’s downfall, and while that contributes to it i don’t think it, was the downfall? all the kung fu panda movies are kids movies with lots of comedy, even in kfp2 which was the darkest of the three. 3 definitely had a lot more comedy than 1 and 2 though, and that’s not inherently bad? it’s just that i think it was applied in the wrong places

which brings me back to... the villain.

so, kfp 1 and 2 had absolutely iconic villains. tai lung, the foreboding snow leopard who was shifu’s adoptive son and former student. he was raised with the belief that he would be named the dragon warrior, so when the moment came, and he wasnt.... well, he snapped, violently, and had to be locked away in prison for decades. he was put in a massive prison where he was the sole prisoner, guarded by 1000 soldiers, and he managed to escape with one (1) duck feather. he is violent and frightening, and ultimately he is a foil to po. while he seems like a stereotypical WAH EVIL NO REMORSE >:3 villain, he is honestly.. so much deeper than that? like his mere existence poses so many interesting questions in regards to po, his foil, and even shifu, and when you think about it its like, YEAH tai lung was evil for going around and killing people because he didnt get what he wanted BUT LIKE, he was literally raised with the belief that he would become the dragon warrior. his entire life was dedicated to that. it’s like, gifted kid syndrome but 100% worse. genuinely, what the fuck do you do with yourself when you dedicate your entire life towards something only for it to be like, oh sorry lol not you, at the last minute? especially when it was your own damn father who drilled that belief into you? his anger is absolutely justified. the only reason tai lung is a villain is just that he channeled that anger into like, homicide. his actions are not justifiable but his motives are honestly 10000% understandable and it makes him such an interesting character when you look beyond the typical smirking antagonist who kills people for fun exterior lol. and then juxtapose that with po? tai lung was raised to believe he would be the dragon warrior, meanwhile po, once named dragon warrior ~by accident~ was faced with opposition at every god damn turn. literally no one, not even himself, believed he was the dragon warrior. and beyond the character foil thing, it’s like, the way tai lung escaped from prison and how all his actions really play into that movie’s major theme of how In Trying To Escape Your Destiny, You Ultimately Fulfill it, it’s just. god it’s so good. he’s such a good villain

AND THEN kfp 2 had shen, a white peacock who, honestly, IS the villain that tai lung is often perceived to be. he had loving parents but he didnt get what he wanted so he threw a hissy fit and committed genocide. his motives are a lot weaker, but he makes up for it in sheer presence. who thought a peacock would ever be threatening or a serious villain? YET HE IS!!!!! his presence is just so big and evil... the voice actor does a great job in making him sound so shrill and bird-like as well and its like, wow that peacock voice is actually EERIE? and just, overall, the fact he’s a peacock is such a good character design. his character design and overall presence is much better than tai lung, who’s literally just like, a normal uhm “person” for this universe. shen poses a much more personal threat to po as well - honestly, physically, po and the furious five probably could’ve taken him down earlier in the movie. tai lung was more of a physical threat, but shen? well shen does pose a much bigger physical threat as well since he has his cannons, but his main power is that he’s a PSYCHOLOGICAL threat. this is the second movie, po’s had training, he’s friends with the furious five so he has them fighting alongside him, he’s secure in the belief that he is the dragon warrior and he’s confident he can take any threat. yet, shen is still a major threat - specifically, to po. i mentioned shen committed genocide? yeah, well a fortune teller foretold that a panda would be shen’s downfall, so to prevent his downfall! shen killed all the pandas. po managed to survive because his mother hid him away in the valley of peace, where he was raised by ping. po was a baby at that time, he has no memories of this.... at least, until he meets shen, and the PEACOCK PATTERN on his FEATHERS reminds po of that Fateful night (once again, who knew a peacock could be so threatening!!!!!). and po, in his flashback, cannot fight back. that’s where shen gets his power - he holds the answers to po’s past, he’s the source of all his repressed trauma. shen is a more frightening antagonist than tai lung because he holds such personal power over po. what shen doesnt have in interesting character motives, he more than makes up for in his sheer presence!!! and AGAIN, his arc ties into that overarching theme of you fulfilling your destiny in an effort to avoid it - shen killed the pandas so that no panda could bring him down, but in doing so he indirectly brought po to the valley of peace, so that po could become the dragon warrior, and thus defeat him!!!!

now....... kai in kfp3?? where do i even begin...........

okay. so. kai has i think probably the best design of all the villains. he’s got such an imposing stature, he’s even taller than tai lung, and his HORNS! very intimidating. and his whole blue/green color scheme is very sinister and adds such a cool fucking atmosphere. his chi powers are also cool and all that spirit world stuff

onto kai’s role in the narrative........... so, kai poses no personal threat to po. shen was the most personal of them, with tai lung being more general (his main threat was that oh no he’s gonna rampage the valley of peace again!) but ultimately even he still posed a more personal threat to po, in that tai lung wanted to be the dragon god damn warrior and po was in his way. but what beef does kai have with po?? lmfao . his most personal tie with po is that, before the panda genocide, the pandas taught kai and oogway how to use chi

his beef was with oogway. and we don’t ever really get to explore his relationship with oogway because well, oogway’s gone, so their relationship is being narrated to us in the future, far far removed. his character motivations are so weak. like, he was ~brothers in arms~ with oogway, and yet when kai gets a whiff of power he just, instantly turns on oogway?? instantly? and oogway barely has any qualms with sending his best friend to the spirit world? like wheres the TENSION wheres the CONFLICT where is the EMOTIONAL DRAMA... nevermind how like, little i care about ~villain is power hungry~ sorta deal... at least with tai lung wanting to be dragon warrior, he did that because his entire sense of self had depended on that. but kai? literally some nice pandas teach him a new power and he’s instantly like OH I HAVE TO USE IT TO KILL PEOPLE like where did that come from??? and when his friend is like HI MAYBE DONT KILL PEOPLE ? he wants to abuse this brand new power THAT badly that he’d turn on his best friend with no hesitation??

this literally just came to me so idk if its a good idea lol but like i think it’d be really interesting if somehow there was? some sort of corrupting power? so that when he learned chi it kinda forced him to abuse it. like the sheer intensity of how fucking wild he got the instant he learned chi is just like, thats not normal bro . plus this movie’s already pretty supernatural so like, maybe there’s something beyond his control that’s making him do this. like, like think of the mind stone in avengers 1, how loki was using it to control everyone. everyone retained their personalities and abilities but ultimately were following loki’s orders. so like, something like that controlling him. it would make him a more interesting character imo and also make the whole conflict with oogway kinda heart breaking cause here his friend isnt in control of himself, and he still has to put him in the spirit world because regardless, kai is a menace. overall it would heighten the emotional intensity and appeal i think. and also it would play really nicely into this movie’s pattern of “not being in control of yourself” a la the jade zombies stuff. and how ironic would it be if kai played puppetmaster while he himself was being controlled.. lol

and then, not only is kai just kinda a flat character period, then his narrative role as a villain is undermined? like his character design and overall presence is on the same fuckin level as shen like he is SO intimidating and they could absolutely play that up.... but then. the comedy. here’s what i was talking about with the comedy being applied poorly. because kai is simultaneously a major fucking threat who is terrorizing all of china, yet whenever he’s actually on screen no characters take him seriously? especially po and the pandas. like the part where kai was slowly uhm Killing for lack of a better word all of the kung fu masters in china and all the names just keep piling up and up until the realization that the jade palace is the last stronghold left to stop him.. that shit is so eerie . it is so eerie. and kai LITERALLY DESTROYED THE JADE PALACE LIKE IT WAS NOTHING. HE SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS. the look of HORROR on tigress’s face during that, the fact the oogway statue was the thing used to destroy the jade palace, the poetic cinema of that, the irony, oh my god....... it was such a gut wrenching scene. and kai is such a major villain there, you HAVE to take him seriously. but then when he gets to the panda village? he fucking monologues. and po is like “stop with the chit chat” and just generally undermining him and its to the point where like, would it be better to let kai monologue or have po not take him seriously? either decision sucks because its either the audience realizing its stupid, or its having the movie be self referential and say oh yeah we know its stupid, but by doing that then you’re saying that the villain is stupid and not to be taken seriously? and then the major fight scene with kai attacking the village, the pandas were having fun just fucking around with the jade zombies, nobody looked like they were fighting for their god damn lives?? yeah i know the point was that like oh you dont need to be a master of formal kung fu, we got this bros, we can win by just being ourselves, but LIKE? they could also still be scared for their lives??? they could still fight him like pandas but still take it seriously? because if they lost, not only would THEY die, but they are the LAST STAND against kai so all of china would be FUCKED if they were defeated!! and yet everybodys laughing and having fun during it?!?! like the stakes are set SO high and yet nobody actually acts like the stakes are high and ultimately kai as a villain is just undermined by the narrative and its so underwhelming compared to how seriously the previous 2 villains were taken and how good they were at being villains because of it....

anyway ive already been writing this for 40 minutes and im losing steam so im gonna briefly touch upon the music now.. i dont think the music is as glaring an error as kai was, but i think it contributes to it.

idk, the music in 3 just doesn’t feel as authentically Kung Fu Panda as the previous 2 movies. i think the most shocking thing was that oogway’s legacy had a fucking PIANO in it?!!?! A PIANO? i think thats the ONLY instance a piano has ever been used in this entire franchise and its genuinely just so... wrong... like it sounds good but it’s just!! oogway’s theme has always been in traditional string instruments and so to hear it in this stripped piano is just, it doesnt feel like a real part of the kfp soundtrack

and 1 and 2 reused a lot of the same musical themes while still being unique on their own, yet kfp 3 literally only ever uses oogway’s theme, and that’s at the very beginning in the one song oogway’s legacy. maybe it uses a few other previous themes but theyre used very sparingly to the point where i wouldnt be able to tell you what or when. without those overarching musical themes it just doesnt feel like an authentic kung fu panda soundtrack!!! idk its just ..... maybe this is a nit pick im making because i’ve listened to the 1 and 2 soundtracks religiously for years but it’s something i noticed and it’s a reason why i can’t really listen to 3′s soundtrack as much lol

also. kai’s theme is so good and it also contributes to that intimidating presence he has. it’s so good

BUT ALSO IT IS ? LITERALLY THE MELODY FROM IM SO SORRY BY IMAGINE DRAGONS. and it was intentionally taken from that song, it’s credited in the end credits. which also serves to make this feel not authentically kung fu panda because all the other villains had their own original themes meanwhile kai its like, yes its a good theme but it just isnt ? kung fu panda??

AND IF THEYRE GONNA SAMPLE A POP SONG FOR HIS THEME THEN LIKE. CAN THERE BE A NARRATIVE REASON FOR IT? like genuinely why the fuck was this song used. i try to wrack my brain as to why im so sorry was used nd it gives me cool ideas on how to flesh kai out as a character but those ideas just arent supported in canon so its like ??!?!?!?!?!

like again going back to that He’s Being Controlled idea, i think it would be so cool to communicate that subconsciously through this song. the reason they’d sample it is because it is a popular pop song so we all know that it goes IM SO SORRY in the main line, so having our brains fill that in... and it’d be like how subconsciously he’s still there inside and being control, meanwhile on the outside he shows no remorse and actually seems to be enjoying it and is overall just a fucking menace but there, inside! we get a brief glimpse of whats going on inside through this song!!

BUT LIKe. THATS NOT CANON? HE’S NOT BEING CONTROLLED IN CANON. AND HE SHOWS NO REMORSE FOR HS ACTIONS SO WHY IS HIS MAIN THEME SAMPLED FROM A SONG CALLED IM SO SORRY??!?!?!?

anyway im really out of steam now its been 50 minutes and i think i’ve touched upon everything i wanted to talk about.... again, this isnt to say kfp 3 is a bad movie its just that, these are the reasons why i think it’s the weakest of the franchise. it’s by no means a bad movie its just, in comparison to the perfection that kfp 1 and 2 are its just, kinda lackluster. but remove that comparison and it’s like oh fuck yeah this is a good movie. its just, frustrating, because we know how good 1 and 2 are and its like, 3 couldve been so much more bro....... but that frustration comes from a place of Love

anyway . watch all 3 kung fu panda movies now

- your local Kung Fu Panda enthusiast

[esseastri]

1, 2, 5, and 9 for... Ro, Aliena, Tieran, and Nyeni, and for one hero you haven't talked about as much, though which is up to you.

yeesssss all my favorite OCs aaaaahhhh (she says as if they aren’t ALL her favorite ocs….)  I think I’m going to go with one of the Wardens for the last one….maybe Bal? Get some dwarfiness going on in here. :D

oh, dear god, this got so long. I’m not sorry, because I love all of these nerds sooo much, but. Yeah, this is. very long.

1. When was the moment your character first felt something for their love interest?

Ro: I think that first night in camp on the way to Lothering, when she wakes up from her first Archdemon nightmare, and Alistair is already awake, watching over her, because he knew this was coming. And he comforts her despite the fact that they barely know each other, and yeah, part of it is “okay, we’re both Wardens, this is just a thing that happens,” but part of it is…he sees someone else is hurting and he’s willing to sacrifice his own comfort to make sure she’s okay. It’s the first time she’s felt safe since her family was murdered, and it all spirals from there.

Aliena: “Well, Lucky, since the information you gave me was worth nothing…that’s what I’ll pay you,” And she fell in love INSTANTLY. 

Tieran: Probably sometime during the trek from Haven to Skyhold. I have this notion that Dorian is the sort of person to whine constantly about the cold even while he actively lights fires, passes out blankets, uses his magic to keep himself and other people warm. Tieran would be eternally amused by the whining, since it’s what he wants to do but can’t since he has to set a good example as a strong leader, but he’d also see the kindness Dorian dishes out with the snarky comments, and that combo of…prickly exterior with warm, soft, kind interior is what would get him to move from the Friendship Forged in the Hellfire of the Future to something more like….ah, yes, I love this man. oh shit, I love this man?? 

Nyeni, canon: She gets an inkling during that conversation with Cassandra that starts with, “I don’t actually know much about you”–because that’s the first time anyone in the Inquisition asked her about who she IS as opposed to who they want her to be. She 100% does not realize how intensely and dramatically in love she is until they’re in the In Hushed Whispers future and Cassandra dies, and Nyeni freaks the fuck out. Because she can’t comprehend a world in which Cassandra is not alive and not with her, and that’s the moment where she realizes how very dear to her Cass is. And it’s overwhelming and she retreats hardcore for a long time and pretends to be chill by not speaking to Cass and getting flustered and it’s adorable and hilarious.

Nyeni, non-canon: I think that Nyeni falls in love with Kepi gradually. I think she’s deep in the middle of it before she really knows what’s happening. It’s all the little things–how much Kepi cares for those around her, how brave she is charging into battle, how strong she is surviving on her own or standing as the leader of the Inquisition, how kind she is. That all sort of piles up in the corners of Nyeni’s heart until one day they’re out in the Hinterlands or Crestwood or somewhere and Kepi bends down to pick a flower in the sunlight and Nyeni’s just like, “Oh. Yeah, of course I love her. Look at her.”

Bal: gosh, I think Bal just sort of… giggles a lot whenever Zevran flirts with her because it’s so gosh darn CUTE isn’T IT? how sincerely he says these ridiculous things!? and the WINKING? And she just spends a lot of time genuinely amused by how he is at the same time effortless and trying very hard. And the moment she realizes that no one else in her shitty life has ever made her laugh so much, she just sort of has an “Oh!” moment and tumbles in headfirst from there.

2. How long before they did anything about it?

Ro: she 100% lets Alistair make the first move. She tries her damndest to keep him at arm’s length because dear god, everyone close to me fucking dies and I am NOT letting that happen to him, but when he pulls out the damn rose and makes his speech about happiness in dark times, she melts and just goes “fuck okay then” and kisses him.

Aliena: I am still bitter that the game didn’t let me kiss Isabela in Act One, so you can bet your ass they start sleeping together fairly quickly. They probably get drunk in the Hanged Man celebrating…something. Possibly even as early as after winning the “duel” with Hayder? Anyway, there are definitely sloppy, drunk make outs that lead to further Things. They probably continue in this way until after the Deep Roads–Aliena took the Deep Roads as a sort of wake up call of, “yeah, I’ve almost died a lot in my life, but HOT DAMN WE ALMOST DIED DOWN THERE” and so the first time Isabela comes to the new house in Hightown, Aliena pauses the usual shenanigans to say something along the lines of, “take this as you will, but I love you, and that doesn’t mean I want anything from you that you don’t want to give, and we can carry on as we are or develop from here, but I just want you to know that in case something happens.” Isabela probably ignores that until after the whole thing with the Arishok because she can’t believe she fucking came back what the fuck, and she figures that, well shit, if she came back for this girl, maybe it is something more. Maybe I’ve thought about Aliena and Isabela waaay too much. This is long. I shall stop.

Tieran: Listen, I love the first kiss moment in canon, after they come back from dealing with Dorian’s shittastic dad and there’s that moment of “I think you’re very brave” and then theY KISS AND IT’S CUTE AND WONDERFUL and yeah, this unfolds pretty much like canon at that point, because it’s great.

Nyeni, canon: She stalls for-fucking-ever. Mostly because Cassandra is a pining loser and she is also a pining loser, and neither one of them is confident enough to do something about it. It probably takes Varric or Dorian or both giving them a stern talking to that involves a lot of blushing. And when Nyeni comes back from the Fade after Adamant, she comes into Skyhold and just marches straight up to Cassandra and holds her fiercely and promises to never go anywhere without her ever again, and that’s what gets them to kiss.

Nyeni, non-canon: Listen, Nyeni is the sort of person who doesn’t think that she is worthy of the girls she loves, and will therefore stall and try to convince herself that she must get over her feelings because they will never be returned. So she will wait for Kepi to make the first move. And once Kepi does, she will just be the most radiantly happy person in Thedas.

Bal: Probably after the Fade at Kinloch Hold. Bal is literally terrified by that experience because dwarves don’t belong in the Fade what the fuck and there is a lot of… not wasting time. Not letting this slip past her. Not waiting for the end of the world to take Zevran from her. Not letting the end of the world take him from her.

5. What are some ways they like to spend time together?

Ro: mmm, dinners. Especially post-game, when they go off to Amaranthine and start training the Recruits. They get their food out of the mess hall like all the other recruits, but then they take it upstairs and eat together, just the two of them. They talk about their days or tell stories or just…chat. They get time to themselves. Also, reading letters. They write each other boxes and boxes of letters when they’re alone, and when Alistair comes back from a mission, they retreat to their room in the evenings and read each other the letters they wrote out loud. It’s cheesy and they laugh a lot, but there’s something about having those words they put down on paper when they were alone said out loud that makes them closer. More.

Aliena: I really love the idea of these two just going down to the Hanged Man and challenging the entire tavern to either a brawl or a Wicked Grace tournament. Either way, they clean the damn place out. They also go to the Wounded Coast and dive off the cliffs into the sea and swim and dunk each other and kiss underwater and then they dry out on the beach and just….watch the ocean. Watch the horizon. Isabela tells Aliena stories about her ship and her crew and the pirate shenanigans they got up to, and Aliena tells her about Lothering and they plan for the future.

Tieran: He and Dorian have long, late-night, in-depth discussions about magical theory. They drink wine and read their own separate books next to each other in bed. Dorian teaches Tieran how to play chess until he’s good enough to beat Cullen. They both go down to the Herald’s Rest and bother Bull into drinking contests they never win and Tales With the Chargers.

Nyeni, canon: She and Cass train–Nyeni has a lot to learn about the sword after she picks Knight-Enchanter, and Cass teaches her a lot. Nyeni convinces Cass to let her read Swords and Shields out loud, and they just curl up next to each other in the armory attic and Nyeni reads with all the voices and dramatic accents and stuff and Cass tries very hard to keep her laughter as quiet as possible.

Nyeni, non-canon: She drags Kepi down to the wine-cellar to play with the kittens Cole found and keeps there. They spend a lot of time in the garden, and she brings Kepi seeds to plant. They make flower crowns. …She probably reads Swords and Shields out loud to Kepi, too, with all the voices. That’s just…such a dumb Nyeni thing to do.

Bal: She and Zev play pranks on the rest of their friends. They make a lot of harmless traps and try to get Sten to laugh. They take very long, very luxurious baths together. Since both of them grew up in shitty places that barely had showers, they definitely do overdramatic baths, rose petals and bubbles and the works. Zevran poses in ridiculous positions for Bal to sketch. He tells her stories about far-away lands while she’s drawing, and they make plans to visit…everywhere.

9. What is the most difficult thing about their relationship?

Ro: Distance. Duty. No matter how much they wish it were different, both she and Alistair are too…righteous? to abandon their duties, even when those duties separate them. Whenever Alistair is out on a mission, Ro sleeps terribly. And when Ro is out on training trips with the Recruits, Alistair spends more time in the kennel with the pups than with other humans. As mentioned, they write each other buckets of letters. They hate the separation so much, but it makes times they are together all the sweeter.

Aliena: There’s a fine line of affection that Aliena has to tread very lightly. There’s only so many times Isabela can hear the words, “I love you,” before she starts feeling the pressure and pulls away. And there’s only so much attachment Isabela can handle before she leaves for several days and disappears without saying anything. She always comes back, but Aliena has learned the hard way that too much romanticism will drive a wedge between them. Luckily this isn’t a huge problem, since she fully understands the need to not be tied down, that need for independence. She’s got it, too. But she has had to learn how to…show Isabela that she loves her without saying it. And without making it…a big production? It’s the little things that pile up, not the grand gestures.

Tieran: Again, distance. Post-Trespasser, when Dorian goes back to Tevinter, Tieran manufactures reasons to visit him. There’s also a little bit of cultural misunderstanding that occasionally gets frustrating. Though there are a lot of things about Tevinter that Dorian is trying to change, there are some things he’s a-okay with that Tieran sees as problematic; and Tieran is Very Dalish, and sometimes there are things about that that Dorian doesn’t quite understand. So there’s a lot of…talking things out, and making sure no one is offended.

Nyeni, canon: Cassandra is a Strong Warrior Woman–and that’s important, understandable, and necessary–but it can sort of…worry Nyeni. She wishes that Cass could be okay with the world knowing that despite the fact that she’s a badass warrior, she also likes romance and reading shitty smutty novels and likes flowers and poetry and kissing Nyeni’s forehead and holding her hand. She wants Cass to be okay with public displays of affection. And Cass has a need to guard the softer side of herself because of her duty and her authority and everything. And Nyeni understands, but she wishes she could have both, or–let the world see both.

Nyeni, non-canon: …possibly the worry? I think….there’s a lot of worry in their relationship. Nyeni worries that Kepi is going to get herself killed charging into battle without barriers; Kepi worries that Nyeni is going to get herself killed hanging back on the edges of battle with no sword, no nothing except her barriers. Nyeni worries that the responsibility of being Inquisitor will close Kepi off and weigh her down and wear her out; Kepi worries that the pressure of being Inquisitor will make shy, anxious Nyeni even worse at talking to people. I think they probably worry too much about each other, and that makes things…scary.

Bal: Their pasts. Both of them were assassins of some kind, and while neither of them have problems with that, there’s something to be said for the number of deaths on your conscience and the amount of blood on your hands getting to you. So, I think that there are a lot of nights that end in nightmares waking them up and a lot of stories and secrets that they can’t tell each other, and there’s a strain of just… so much blood. They can usually joke through it, but there are some secrets and some horrible things that just can’t be erased. And that’s difficult.

[bunnybbomb]

Trying To Tie Loose Ends (Catharsis Continuation): Bonus Chapter 1: Going Home

Brivere is just…tired. All he wants to do is go home, but he can’t go there without the only thing he has left in the world: his beloved little brother.

(An angst AU of Coma Baby, a sidlink fic by BanishedOne. It takes place roughly after Brivere last sees Prince Sidon when he took the spirit potion and occurs over the week that Sidon was knocked the fuck out. It borrows dialogue from CH 48 of Coma Baby, to keep in the spirit of this being like an alternate timeline.)

This is a fanfiction for a fanfiction called Coma Baby by BanishedOne on AO3 (tumblr @banishfics / @banishedone), and a continuation of the other one I wrote called Catharsis. If you like a grumpy Link and really well developed, deep characters and an amazing take on the political structure of the Zora Domain, then definitely check out Coma Baby!

I know that I haven’t posted all of TTTLE yet, but I actually finished everything already and I just wanted to get this chapter out there before the next big chapter of Coma Baby, 49′s epic boss fight! This particular chapter is written with my own experiences of depression and suicide, so hopefully it feels real in that aspect.

   My tumblr is bunnyb0b! I post memes and fics for Coma Baby there, you can chat with me any time about anything!

   Huge thank you to my amazing beta reader Alina! Her tumblr and ff.net is @ipromiseitsnotanobsession. She actually does editing shit for a living and she is the one that makes sure these things aren’t trash, so. Also this particular chapter was made for her, because she loves angst lmao

   Disclaimer: In no way does this have any true ties or canon to Coma Baby unless stated otherwise. It’s really just an indulgence AU to feed my obsession for Brivere drama.

Brivere was just… tired. Tired of everything, really.

The past and the present were taking a toll on him. He had accidentally lashed out at his only true friend, Prince Sidon. And the way that his prince had stared at him a few days later, as if they were strangers or perhaps even worse, had absolutely crushed the golden knight’s heart. Seeing the wretch that had stolen his beloved Sidon’s heart, standing there, watching all of it with a triumphant look in his smug blue eyes, infuriated Brivere to no end.

He had no one now. Prince Sidon had been the only one to ever really be there for him, allowing him to drink up constant praise and affection that he didn’t deserve. Uncertainty tugged at Brivere’s heart at the fact that he wasn’t sure if his crush on the prince was true love or… just a broken attempt to hang onto every ounce of positive attention that came his way, to get absolutely drunk off of the prince’s genuine care and concern.

And, as Brivere sat at the edge of the cistern in his home, legs dangling in the possibly contaminated water, he wondered if he could blame himself for that. After all, the prince’s attention was the only positive attention that he really received. It was clear that all of the other soldiers didn’t like him, or anyone else, really. This was exemplified when the Guard Captain refused to help give his younger brother rations, despite Estuu’s extremely sensitive palate. It was also apparent when the other nobles would glare at him when he was just trying to do his job as First Knight.

Then he thought about why. It had all begun when his so-called father had hastily married his mother, claiming to love her but leaving no evidence of it, dooming her and her unborn son to a life of torment and humiliation. And when he was born, no one had believed her story, and they were stripped of nobility status. Then, in her grieving state, she had been taken advantage of by a smooth talking noble named Zambezi, who had just gotten her pregnant and had eventually abandoned them. The only good thing to come out of it had been his younger brother, who he would lay his life down for.

Estuu. The only person he had left.

Brivere glanced over his shoulder to watch the younger Zora, who was completely wrapped up in a blanket and surrounded by piles of his favorite books. They were the only things that had survived the wreckage.

Right. Their house had collapsed in the earthquake. And as if they hadn’t lost enough already, Estuu had lost the lower half of his arm, also losing both his ability to shoot a bow and arrow along his power to quickly heal people. The rare ability that had given them some sort of worth in society.

Now, they had nothing. They were nothing.

Brivere let out a deep exhale, fully turning to his younger brother. “Estuu.” he said quietly, rolling around the bottle in his hands. “May you come here? I must talk to you about something urgent.”

The younger Zora didn’t move, the only thing indicating that he had even heard a word at all being the slight flicker of his golden eyes. Finally, he relented, unraveling his mangled body out of the blanket cocoon, the only thing that protected him from the world that threatened to overwhelm him every second that he dared to live in it.

Estuu slowly made his way over to his older brother, settling down beside him and dangling his feet in the water. That was when Brivere knew that his younger brother was thinking the same thing.

Because it didn’t matter that the water was contaminated with the Water Blight, considering what they were about to do.

He held up the familiar bottle, shaking it in front of the younger Zora’s dull eyes. Sensing the hesitation there, Brivere decided to fully explain the implications to his little brother, to eliminate any chance of doubt. “As you must recognize, this is mother’s bottle. The same one from that day.”

Estuu nodded. Neither of them could forget a single detail from the moment they had found their dead mother, floating in their poisoned cistern.

“Perhaps it is morbid, but I have kept it all this time. Both because it is the only thing we have of her, other than my longsword and our memories, and also…” his voice trailed off, trying to force the words out of his chest. “… because I thought we may need it someday. This poison is so strong that it isn’t even allowed in the Domain anymore.”

His younger brother just continued to stare at him, unflinching. Brivere sighed. “I know. But I promise that I hid it because I thought that we would never need it. Because I hoped that things would get better.” He absolutely hated the way his voice was getting weaker by the second, the way he was breaking down in front of the one person he was supposed to be strong for.

But he just couldn’t be strong anymore. Maybe he never had been.

“However, I cannot lie anymore, Estuu.” he explained. “It is not fair to me. It is not fair to you. I have lost all hope. There is no future for either of us other than the torment that we have been putting ourselves through for nothing.” He wasn’t sure if he was surprised or not when Estuu nodded in agreement.

But he still caught the hesitation that lingered in his little brother’s golden eyes. “Estuu…” he said. “Do you miss mother?”

The younger Zora nodded feverishly. “Of course.” Brivere sadly chuckled. “It would be foolish to think otherwise.” He sat the bottle in his lap along with his hands, slightly rocking it back and forth. “She was the only home I have ever felt. I am sure you feel the same way. Not that I do not love you or that I am accusing you of not loving me, of course. But she made the world feel… safe. Like it was a place that would forgive us for simply trying to live among everyone else.” Estuu nodded, clearly agreeing with him.

“Estuu…” he whispered, voice barely audible. “All I want to do is go home. Don’t you desire that as well? To feel safe, to feel loved. And perhaps it is selfish of me, but as always… I could never go anywhere without you.”

To his surprise, his little brother suddenly slipped his small hand over his own, gently squeezing it as he nodded. Estuu had always hated touch. For him to do this…

He blinked away the tears that welled up in the corner of his eyes. “Thank you, Estuu. But I will only allow this if you promise that this is something you desire as well, without my own feelings to persuade you.”

Estuu gestured at the bottle. “Are you just worried that it won’t be efficient enough?” Brivere questioned, raising his brow. Nodding, the younger Zora let out a whine and pointed between the two of them with his only hand.

“Enough for both of us?” Brivere asked, holding up the bottle to closely examine it. The dark liquid inside only filled up the bottle halfway, and sure, perhaps that was enough to quickly kill his mother when she had used it. But that was over a century ago, so it may have lost its potency. Besides, he and Estuu weren’t children like they were back then. Both of them were much older now. “I am sure it is enough. Perhaps it won’t be as quick, but it will certainly be painless, and it is the best way I can imagine seeing mother again.”

Nodding, Estuu gently lowered himself into the water, floating around. Brivere watched him fondly, remembering how they both used to do that before bedtime while waiting for their mother. It just appeared that the tables had turned, because now she was waiting for them.

He quickly lowered himself in as well, treading water as Estuu slowly swam around him. Grabbing the bottle, he held eye contact with his younger brother, who was staring back at him intensely. Usually, Estuu hated direct eye contact. But this would be the last time he could have it.

Brivere shook the bottle and held it up. “I promise that it will not hurt. It will feel like you are just going to sleep. In fact,” he swam over, tilting Estuu until he was on his back, “why don’t you try and take a nap? You will miss less that way.”

His younger brother hesitated, pointing his only hand at Brivere, who chuckled softly. “It is alright. I will still be here, watching you. I will make sure we go home together.”

Estuu slowly closed his eyes and nodded. Brivere hovered his hands underneath of his little brother, making sure that he didn’t move too much. When the younger Zora’s breaths became even and shallow, Brivere waved his hand in front of his little brother’s face. He was certain that Estuu had fallen asleep. Quietly, he uncorked the bottle and poured the dark liquid inside of the cistern.

The second it hit the water, Brivere could instantly feel the effects. His body suddenly felt very heavy, and eventually he let go, allowing himself to drift in the contaminated water. He watched Estuu’s body tense up for a second, eventually relaxing until his body went fully limp, bobbing gently in the water. Using the last of his strength, he pushed himself off of the wall and over to his little brother, cradling the tiny Zora into his broad chest.

Estuu wasn’t breathing. Before, this would’ve sent the golden Zora into hysterics, but in that moment, he let out a sigh of relief. He let the darkness cloud his vision as his head rolled back, completely giving himself over to oblivion.

;

Brivere awoke in the water. As his consciousness slowly came back to him, anxiety began to blossom in his chest. Did it not work?

Panicked, he tried to orient himself to tread water, desperately searching for his younger brother. It was difficult, as his legs felt as heavy as stone. Eventually, he managed to float upright in the water, scanning its smooth surface. Estuu was nowhere in sight. But as he took in his surroundings more, he realized where he actually was.

The medical bay.

A healer standing off to the side quickly looked over, startled by the sudden splashing. “Ah, First Knight!” she yelped, running over to the edge of the pool. “Please, do not move too much! You are still in critical condition!”

This was too much. “Where is my younger brother?!” he cried, pushing her away.

“Please, calm down! I will tell you what happened only if you float on your back!”

Hesitatingly, he did so, finding it difficult once again because of his legs, which felt numb for some odd reason. It took a while, but when he was finally on his back, his gold eyes stared intensely back up at her. “Please, mam, he is all I have. Where is Estuu?”

She shook her head sadly. “I am afraid that he is dead.”

“…what happened?” he croaked, fighting back the tears that stung his eyes. “I… I was supposed to go with him…”

The healer was frozen in place, trying to gather her thoughts. “I am so sorry, First Knight-!”

“Please do not call me that.” he whispered sharply, tightly shutting his eyes. “I do not deserve the title. Just… just Brivere is fine.”

She nodded. “Then, Brivere… I am so sorry. Some guards had entered your house because someone had reported that you were filling up your cistern, which is prohibited due to the Water Blight still spreading around. They were prepared to just arrest you, but…” her voice trailed off. He hated that he didn’t even have to look at her to see the pity on her face; it was practically dripping off of her words. “…no one expected to see you and your brother floating in poisoned water. They retrieved you, but your brother… he died long before they came in. I am sorry.”

“…Why?” he croaked. “Why didn’t I die too?”

“I am sorry that you felt the need to take your own life.” she said in a quiet voice. “Everyone is aware of your situation and background, and, in retrospect, they could see why. But even then, you shouldn’t have done this, Brivere. You have so much ahead-!”

“NO!” he screamed, eyes flying open in rage. “WHY DIDN’T I DIE TOO?!”

The healer flinched and jumped back. “The poison… it was extremely old. It was enough to kill your younger brother because he is still a child, but you’re a fully grown adult so it would have taken more time. If the guards hadn’t gotten you out, you certainly would have-“

Brivere rolled over, ignoring his legs that uselessly dragged through the water, instead using his strong arms to push himself over to her. “Then they should have left me there.” he spat.

She shook her head. “Brivere, please-!”

“You don’t understand!” he shouted in her face. “No one understands! I have nothing! I don’t even have my little brother anymore!”

Brivere’s voice cracked suddenly, as he was unable to hold back the tears anymore. He absolutely despised how much his voice dropped after that, so he fought the pain swelling in his throat to force out the words trapped inside. “All I wanted…” he whimpered. “I just… I just wanted to go home.”

The healer reached down and placed a hand on his shoulder. He was too tired to smack it away. “I am so sorry, Brivere. Please, just rest for now. We will have more healers come to talk about what the plan will be in regards to your situation.”

He nodded weakly. It didn’t matter anyways. “Just… is there anything else I need to know?” Catching the apprehension that flashed on her face, he continued. “If there is anything else, just say it. Just get all of the bad things out now so that I won’t break again later.”

She nodded hesitantly. “Well… the poison was in your system enough to still have an impact on your body. As a result, your legs don’t work anymore. And as such… you were dismissed from your position as First Knight.”

Brivere stared back at her, and she prepared for another melt down, but to her surprise he just laughed weakly. There was no humor in it, though. “I don’t know what I expected.” he murmured. “Just when I thought there was nothing else I could lose…”

“Brivere…”

He shook his head and tried to float on his back again, only using his arms. “Please. Just leave. I just need to be alone.”

Nodding, the healer shot him an apologetic look before stepping out of the archway, leaving him alone to soak in the healing water and his new reality.

;

The next few days in the medical bay were a horrible blur.

Muzu came by to officially dismiss him from his position as First Knight. He just nodded back numbly, too exhausted to say anything. After an awkward moment of silence, the old Zora had quickly bowed and apologized before scurrying out of the archway.

Healer after healer had come in, all of them talking in a coddling tone of voice that infuriated him. He didn’t want their pity. He didn’t deserve their help. All he wanted was to go home. But after a mental examination, they had deemed him too unstable to leave. In his sleep, they had cuffed his ankle to a chain bolted to the bottom of the healing pool, keeping him on a leash that wouldn’t even let him reach the edge of the medical bay.

So after losing his younger brother, his respected position, and his own damn legs, he apparently lost his freedom as well.

And to top it all off, it appeared that the goddess was also coming for whatever was left of his dignity, which luckily for him, was next to nothing, meaning that he at least wouldn’t have to lose much. Soldiers and nobles came in all the time trying to apologize, but he could tell that many were doing it more out of false sympathy than real sorrow and regret. Or perhaps they thought that a simple “sorry” would somehow even out the other vicious words they had pierced him with over the past hundred years. But he still caught the way they looked at him with pity, silently thankful that they hadn’t ended up as low as he had.

Even then, he could still see a hint of satisfaction in some of their eyes. As if he deserved this. As if it was punishment for some crime that he had never committed. Although he was chained to the pool, he could still hear their whispers in the hallways, calling him a monster for dragging his little brother into it, saying that it was about time that he tried at all. Apparently a common joke now was that he even failed at killing himself. Just like how he failed at everything else in his worthless life.

Captain Betaal, or rather, First Knight Betaal, visited a week in. She looked down at him, and he couldn’t tell if it was disgust or glee shining in her remaining eye. Probably both. She simply said her apologies, just like everyone else, and then promised that she would take care of Prince Sidon. Whatever he saw in her eye before turned to pity as she silently looked over his broken form one last time before leaving.

What finally broke him was when the Hylian Champion came the next day.

Link had walked in during a rare moment when no healers or any other Zora had come to visit. He wondered to himself if the Hylian had done it on purpose.

Brivere stared as Link made his way to the edge of the water. When he sat down, he snarled at the golden Zora. “Pathetic.” the Hylian spat.

“…I beg your pardon?” he growled, feeling the heat rising in his chest. It wasn’t an apology. It was an invitation, daring Link to explain his audacity.

“I didn’t think you could sink any lower than you were before.” the Hylian scowled, staring him down with icy blue eyes. “What, is this because you’re still mad that Sidon didn’t choose you? You hurt him enough with your words, did you intend to fully destroy him and guilt trip him into not seeing me anymore?”

Brivere snarled, baring his sharp teeth. “Not everything is about you, you selfish wretch.”

“Oh, I’m selfish?!” Link laughed incredulously. “I don’t recall dragging my own disabled and clearly emotionally unstable brother into some poisoned water! I don’t recall being enough of a coward that I let him die before me!”

The golden knight let out a roar and shot forward, lunging at the Hylian. He would have torn Link apart if it hadn’t been for the metal cuff that dug into his ankle. Not as if he could feel it anyways. “Do not pretend to be higher than me!” Brivere shouted. “Do not act as if you are one to pass judgement! You have no idea what kind of torment I have gone through, especially because of someone like you!”

“Same to you!” Link screamed back in his face. “Do you know how much you hurt Sidon with what you fuckin’ said to him?! I’m the one who had to comfort him while you jacked yourself off of your own self-pity!”

“As if you could take care of him!” Brivere spat. “I refuse to accept that someone as low and vile as you could possibly be the one that will be a good lover to him!”

Link’s face contorted into a crazed sneer as he leaned in, knowing that Brivere couldn’t grab him. “Well then you have to accept it. Sidon already knows that I’m better for him.” he chuckled. “Your fits of jealously are honestly just pitiful and annoying at this point.”

“It is not jealousy.” Brivere hissed, narrowing his gold eyes. “I have dedicated my life to protecting the prince. I have already accepted that I will probably never be his friend again after what I have done, and that is alright. If it is good for his health, then I will give up everything for him. But you!” he scowled, stabbing a finger at the air right in front of the Hylian. “You are just as bad for him as I am, if not worse! All you do is destroy everything that comes near you. Yet you dare to pretend that you are better than me, as you ignore all of the damage you have caused.”

“Oh, what the hell are you even babbling on about?” Link laughed. There was clearly no humor in it.

“Do you honestly believe that I do not know about what you have done?” Brivere spat, boring a hole into the Hylian’s head with his blazing eyes. “You took our prince and forced him to commit sexual acts that he was not comfortable with out of concern for your safety. And then, as if you had determined that you didn’t break him enough, you summoned his sister’s spirit so that she could heal the wounds that were a result of your selfishness.”

The Hylian Champion stared back in disbelief, jaw slightly ajar. “You… you knew? How-!”

“As if my lord wouldn’t tell me! We have been friends long before he even knew of your existence!” the Zora snapped. “You bring up how much I hurt him? Then you should have seen the way he begged for my forgiveness when he couldn’t focus on our sparing because of your sins!”

Brivere stopped himself and clenched his fists, absolutely trembling with fury. But he couldn’t tell if it was directed more at the heinous man in front of him or at himself. He had failed to protect the man he loved, the man he had sworn his life to protect. The man who was too caring, too kind, too naïve to see the danger within the Hylian that sat there as if he had done nothing wrong.

“You…” the golden knight hissed, vitriol dripping off of his words, “You are nothing but a worthless parasite feeding off of his kindness and love, hiding behind the false pretense that you could ever be a proper lover to him.” He glared at the Hylian, rage boiling in his chest. “Truly, how dare you. You are as wretched as they come.”

To his surprise, Link recovered easily, staring back at him with triumph in his cold, blue eyes. “I could say the exact same thing about you.” he purred, voice disgustingly sweet. “But the fact remains that at the end of the day, Sidon still deemed that I was more worthy than you.”

Brivere numbly bobbed in the water as the Hylian’s words sank in. Satisfied, Link got up and began walking out of the archway but stopped, looking back over his shoulder to eye the broken Zora in the water. “You have nothing because you are nothing.” he said simply.

And with that, Link walked out of the room, leaving Brivere with nothing but the truth echoing in his head.

;

That night, he just couldn’t take it anymore.

He just wanted to go home. He just wanted to see his family.

Diving under the surface, Brivere pushed through the water with his strong arms until he reached the bottom. He grabbed onto the metal chain and pulled with all of his might, feeling his joints pop and muscles burn from the effort. It wouldn’t budge. Eventually, he let go when his arms felt like they were on fire, despite the cool water he was submerged in. His fingers were sore and bruised from being so harshly clenched around the chains.

He warily eyed the cuff on his ankle. The silver leash would be impossible to take off without the guards or healers, who would never accept such a request.

But he could take off his foot on his own.

Bending himself at the waist, he opened his mouth and bit down on his ankle, hard. He smothered the scream that thrashed around in his chest when pain began to shoot up his leg and make his body buzz with agony. Trying to ignore it, he bit down harder, moving his head back and forth to saw through his own bones. If he imagined hard enough, he could pretend that he was just eating another fish for dinner. This was admittedly a bit difficult, as he had refused most of the meals given to him anyways, so he couldn’t exactly remember what eating a good dinner actually felt like.

With a sickening crack that loudly echoed through the water, he watched his foot slowly sink to the bottom of the pool as a cloud of blood began to taint his whole world red. Brivere quickly pulled his stumped ankle out of the metal cuff with ease.

He ignored the pain that burned his leg as he used his arms to swim back up to the surface. It wouldn’t matter anyways. None of it would matter soon.

When he broke through the surface, he scanned the room for any late night visitors or healers. By Hylia’s first blessing to him, no one was there. He swiftly shot over to the edge of the pool, hoisting himself up. It was harder to accomplish than he had anticipated, as days of inactivity and refusing meals suddenly took its toll on him as the adrenaline subsided. Nonetheless, he fought through the screaming of his muscles as he dragged himself out of the pool, crumpling against the cool stone with panting, labored breaths.

Shit. He hadn’t actually thought this far ahead.

Brivere quickly ran through the options in his mind, wanting to get this over with quickly before someone came in to stop him like last time. He didn’t have the poison on him. Obviously, he couldn’t drown himself. He couldn’t bite his own heart out… but perhaps he could claw at his throat?

He reached up to try it, but cursed when he felt his trimmed claws scratch at his scales. Damn. The healers must have anticipated that.

Looking around the empty room, his eyes finally settled on the window. No bars, no screen. Just an open hole in the wall, letting the moonlight flood into the room. A silent prayer echoed in his mind as he dragged himself towards it, begging Hylia to have mercy on him just this once.

And apparently, she had finally decided to show him some generosity, because his heart soared when he saw how high up his medical bay was. He could see most of the Domain, and the few people who were still awake at this ungodly hour looked like ants from his window.

There was no way he could fail this time.

Drawing up every last bit of strength within his quickly weakening body, he propped himself onto the edge and threw himself over. No hesitation, no last thoughts. He had had too much of that already when he had been imprisoned in the medical bay. Maybe he had had too much of it even before then.

And as he plummeted towards the cold stone pavement below, he closed his eyes, content.

He was finally going home.

;

Prince Sidon slowly opened his eyes, groaning at the pain that racked his body. Such was to be expected after taking the spirit potion. It took a toll on him both mentally and physically, and he was exhausted beyond belief. Despite this, he smiled softly at the sight of his Hylian lover sitting beside him, his small body sunk into the water bed.

“Ah, Link.” he croaked. “I am happy to see you.”

The Hylian Champion smiled back, but the gesture didn’t reach his cold blue eyes. Even without his empathy ability, Sidon could tell that something was wrong. “Love?” he asked. “Has something happened? You can confide in me, you know.”

Link’s eyes darted to the side as the smile quickly stretched into a taut frown. “Yes, but… it isn’t something that has happened to me. Well I mean, it has, and I didn’t expect it to, but…” the Hylian’s voice trailed off, slowly coming to a stop as he buried his face in his hands and shook his head.

Grunting, Sidon tried to prop himself up so that he could rub Link’s back, but the Hylian glared at him and pushed his large body back down. “No, I’ll talk.” Link said, eyes softening. Tears were prickling at the corners of them.  “Just lie there, okay? Don’t push yourself.”

Sidon nodded and leaned back into the water bed, letting out a relieved sigh. His lover carefully laid on top of him, relaxing his body when he could tell that it didn’t hurt the Zora prince. Link rubbed small circles on his arm and both of them laid in a comfortable silence.

Eventually, Sidon decided that it was time to begin other projects. He may have been knocked out for a whole week in agony due to a spirit potion, but nonetheless, he was still a prince. There were many things to be done. Sidon glanced to the doorway, surprised to not see his First Knight obediently guarding his room like usual. “Link,” he said, drawing the Hylian’s attention. “Where is Brivere? May you call-?”

He instantly stopped when he felt Link’s body stiffen on top of him at the sound of Brivere’s name. While the two of them were certainly not on good terms, the Hylian had never reacted like this before. “Link?” he asked. “What’s wrong? I know you two may not like each other, but-!”

“He’s dead, Sidon.”

Sidon just blinked. “…I beg your pardon?”

His lover pushed himself up on Sidon’s broad chest, revealing the tears that were threatening to flow out of his blue eyes. “Sidon…” Link said, voice cracking. “They found him outside of the infirmary. He jumped out of the window. I’m so sorry. I know you two were very close.”

Sidon felt numb. He asked the question that wasn’t gnawing at his mind, for he knew that if he asked the one that was actually eating him alive then it would just confirm it all. “Why was he in the infirmary?”

Link opened his mouth, but a strangled gasp was all that came out. He got off of Sidon and sat up on the water bed, rubbing his throat and wiping at his eyes. After a few strangled grunts, he turned back to the prince. “He tried to kill himself a few days ago too. Apparently they found him almost half dead in his poisoned cistern. Estuu was there too and…”

His blue eyes shut tightly. “He’s also dead.”

Not knowing what to say, Sidon numbly stared the ceiling. Tears flowed out of his eyes as he silently wept, the screams writhing around in his chest fighting for a way out. And eventually they won, turning Sidon’s heaving breathing into howls that shook the whole room.

He quickly sat up, ignoring the pain that erupted all over his body. “What in Hylia’s name happened?!”

Link stared back at him. “It’s my fault.”

“…What?”

“It’s…” the Hylian slammed his fists into his head, grabbing at his blond hair. “It’s my fucking fault, Sidon!”

Sidon just blinked at him. “No… gods, Link… what did you do?”

"I said a bunch of shit to him!” Link screamed back. “I shouldn’t have! I know I shouldn’t have! He literally tried it a few days ago and lost his little brother, and his legs, and his First Knight position!”

Dumbfounded, Sidon continued to stare back. “…how…”

“The goddamn poison! It was enough to kill Estuu but when they got Brivere out he was still alive! It damaged his legs, and he was dismissed!”

Sidon sat there, trembling. He had had no idea that Brivere had felt that way. But now that he looked back on it, he was absolutely furious with himself for not seeing it sooner, especially when he literally had the ability to read other people’s minds and emotions. His beloved friend… who had lost everything. His mother, his nobility status, his reputation, his pride, his home, his brother, his job… just, everything.

It should have been obvious.

The prince shuddered, remembering the last things he had said to Brivere. The cold way he had looked at the golden knight. The threat to remove Brivere from his position if he ever dared to say such things again, when the golden Zora was delirious, sick with the Water Blight. The empty promise of possibly considering rekindling their bond. It hit Sidon so hard that he crumpled into himself, hugging his knees so hard that he could feel them bruise.

Brivere had died thinking that Sidon hated him. That he had lost his only friend on top of everything else.

Slowly, the prince straightened up, glaring at Link, who was still tearing at his hair and mumbling to himself. “What did you say to him.” he said in an unsettlingly steady voice.

The Hylian jumped, staring back at him wide-eyed. “No… I, I didn’t mean to-!”

“What did you say to him?!” Sidon shouted.

After a pause, Link gulped, speaking in a weak voice barely above a whisper. “I… I said that he was selfish. That he hurt you. That he killed his brother, and that he was a coward. And then he said that I was a horrible person, that I am the lowest of the low… and I said that he was too, but you still chose me over him. I said he had nothing because he was nothing. And then… I left.”

The Hylian gasped for air, looking at Sidon with pleading eyes. “Sidon, I am so sorry, I didn’t mean to, I never wanted him to die-!”

“Get out.”

Link flinched at the coldness in the prince’s usually soft voice. “N-no… please, Sidon, don’t, im sor-!”

“GET OUT!” he roared, slamming his fist into the wall next to his bed. Link jumped off of the bed and backed up slowly, but quickly rushed out when he caught the deadly glare that Prince Sidon was giving him.

His chest was heaving, fury burning his body alive. “AND DO NOT DARE TO COME BACK!” he screamed at the entranceway. He didn’t even know if Link had heard it. He didn’t even care at this point. It had to be clear enough from the moment he had ordered him to leave.

Sidon crumpled back into himself, curling into a hopeless ball that sunk into the water bed. The room became filled with desperate gasps of air, in between heavy sobs and weeping. His mind was filled with apologies that would never be heard by the one person he wanted to say them to.

He couldn’t help but laugh hopelessly at the irony of the situation. Now he was the one who had nothing. He had lost his knight, the one Zora who had felt like a true friend among the many who just used the prince for his power and status. He lost his lover, his sister, his people were dying…

Sidon just wanted to go home, wherever that may be.

[delta-roseblr]

30 Day OC Challenge: Day 16

Hi all, so today is supposed to be a free space so I thought it would be fun to right a little fic that touches on some of the topics I have already touched on previous days as well as give you all a little snap shot of how Dean and Felix first got close. It turned out a little longer then planned :).

I will continue it on day thirty if this gets a good response:

Dean sat at the rickety, thrift store kitchen table that always wobbled when he even thought about moving. Trying to actually eat off the thing was impossible. In front of him, spread across the cheat laminate were months’ worth of unpaid bills, the words final notice was stamped with bright red ink on more than a few. His hands, which were balled into fists, rested in his lap as a display of his rapidly dwindling self-restraint. “Please tell me you are kidding.” He declared at the man (if you could really call him that) that sat across from him. His voice came out sharp and felt like each word was a gun shot.

His dad leaned back casually which was a bold choice considering the chair he was currently sitting in was something they had picked up at a garage sale two years ago for five bucks. At this point, Dean was pretty sure the thing was more duct tape than chair. “Kiddo, it’s not that big of a deal,” he replied with an easy smile and a dismissive wave of his hand. Dean’s fists clenched more tightly in his lap until his short nail bit into the flesh of his palms. He hated when his dad acted like this like the basic stuff wasn’t important when they very much were. Worse yet, Dean hated how he saw himself in his father’s blasé attitude: the easy smile, the dismissive wave, the general laid back posture, Dean knew he did that shit. It was bad enough that he looked so much like his dad, he didn’t want to act like him too. “You’re too young to get so stressed out,” his dad stated sounding fucking amused as he reached down to grab something from under the table. When he produced a bottle a beer Dean thought it was a damned miracle that his teeth didn’t actually shatter considering how tightly he was clenching his jaw shut. His dad used the edge of the table to pop the cap and brought the bottle most of the way to his mouth before pausing and then tilting the neck of the bottle in Dean’s direction. “Want a beer?”

In high school, everyone talks about how awesome it would be to have a cool parent that would let you drink and go where ever without having to check in, everyone was fucking idiots. Dean’s dad was barely equipped to take care of himself and definitely didn’t have the maturity and sense of responsibility to take care of himself let alone a child. He was pretty sure the only reason he had survived infancy was Aunt Naomi stepping in and making sure he didn’t starve. Of course, Dean did enjoy some of the independence but he would give up some of that if he could get his dad to act like a normal, respectable adult fifty percent of the time.

Dean looked between his dad and the bottle and back again before he felt something in his brain actually snap, it was probably that last straw everyone was always going on about. “Are you fucking kidding me!?!” he questioned outraged. He brought his hands up and only barely managed to stop himself from slamming his fist against the table. Instead, he snatched several long overdue bills and crumpled the paper in his hands as he held them toward his father in what he knew was a futile effort to get him to understand. “Dad, I literally have a final, final notice from literally every utility, we have no groceries, and rent is due in two fucking days and you blew off a job because it wasn’t really your thing!”

Considering his dad was in his mid-forties, Dean didn’t get how the man was still clinging to the fantasy of being a rock star. If anything he should have been happy that he actually was able to make any money as a musician. But no, his dad didn’t want to compromise his artistic integrity by lending his talents to something he doesn’t believe in or some B.S.

His dad sat across from him looking completely unaffected by Dean’s little outburst. If anything, he just seemed more amused at the situation which pissed Dean off beyond belief. Beer still in hand, he held the bottle further out in Dean’s direction to highlight his previous offer. “Kiddo-”

“Oh my fucking god,” Dean growled and tossed aside the bills he had crumpled in his fists in favor of raking his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I’m underage you should not be offering me a beer!”

“Age is just a number,” His dad replied easily. Honestly, his father’s tendency to handle every serious conversation like it was a mildly amusingly while Dean was on the edge of a panic attack just managed to make Dean feel more stressed. “You’re way more mature than most twenty-one year-olds,” he stated apparently giving up on his offer, he brought the mouth of his bottle to his lips and took a long pull. “So relax.”

Dean grasped fists full of his own hair as he glared up at his father. “How am I supposed to fucking relax when we are about a half a second away from being starving and homeless?”

“Dean, I’ll figure it out,” His offered the reassurance with a serious tone, or what passed as one for his dad. Well, Dean guessed he should be happy his dad was at least trying to take it seriously, but he still seemed too relaxed for the level of fucked they currently were. “I always find a way.”

Let it go, Dean told himself as he tried to figure out the exact number of days until he could move out. The fact that college was still over a year away wasn’t a very comforting thought. “Borrowing money from Aunt Naomi is not finding a way.” He pointed out flatly.

That got a response, but Dean knew that it would. His dad definitely has a sore spot when it came to just how much he relied on his sister to make ends meet and Dean knew it. “Alright, kiddo this is an adult problem,” his dad informed in a firm voice. If it wasn’t so fucking insulting the fact that his dad was classifying himself as an adult and having to act like Dean was some sort of uppity kid in the process would have been funny. “Why are you stressin’?”

“One of us has to!” Dean shouted releasing his brutal grip on his own hair before he caused himself to go prematurely bald. He slapped his palms down on the table and the harsh sound seemed to reverberate off the walls of the tiny kitchen. “And since acting like an adult doesn’t seem to be in your god-damned repertoire I guess that’s on me!” Dean shouldn’t have started yelling, but he realized that too late. Once he started it was like opening the flood gates, he couldn’t stop and it only seemed to get worse. Dean felt like a caged animal, he needed to get up and out and something. He stood up abruptly, his chair losing its battle with gravity with a heavy thud. Dean dragged his hands across the surface of the table sending a dozen or so bills flattering to the floor. “FUCK!” He stormed away from the table and stomped to the corner furthest from his father while still being in the same room. Voluntarily cornering himself before turning around to the destruction he left in his wake.

His dad was right. It wasn’t his problem, and he shouldn’t be stressed but it WAS his problem. If they ended up homeless or without food that very much affected Dean. And yes, Dean had a saving he managed to put together from working summer jobs and such but that was for college. This wouldn’t have been the first time that Dean had given up his savings to keep a roof over their heads, which was a part of the problem. It was selfish but he didn’t want to do it again.

“Hey,” His father’s voices sounding concerned caught Dean’s attention. He took in the scene like an outsider taking in a crime scene: His father was still seated at the table but he had put down his beer and was holding up his hands in a sign of surrender, papers littered the floor, and the chair Dean had been occupying moments earlier laid on its side. “I got this, so stop freaking yourself out,” He stated any of that annoying amusement from earlier had left his voice as he started pulling the bills toward himself forming a sloppy pile. “Go be a teenager,” he suggested making a shoeing gesture as he spoke. “Like go chill in your room or something.”

It wasn’t perfect but Dean knew he should just take what he could get and just be happy. Still, he couldn’t just stand there- he and his dad had been through this whole thing too many times in the past, Dean knew his dad’s routines far too well. His dad would sit at the table flipping through the bills without any real rhythm or reason while making his way through three or four beers. After putting on that little show for about an hour his dad would end up asking if Dean planned chipping in any on the bills. Dean already paid for his car insurance, gas, cell phone, school supplies, and clothes being that he was barely seventeen Dean thought that was more than his fair share. Dean really didn’t want to fight about it either, not that his dad would make it a fight, but didn’t know if he trusted himself not to. He realized it would just be better to be elsewhere for a few hours.

Dean gave in with a sigh. He took two large steps toward the kitchen counter. “Fine,” He admitted defeat as he snatched his car keys off the cheap countertop.

His hand was on the door ready to turn the handle when his dad called after him. “Where are you going?” The question was one of genuine curiosity. Dean’s dad never did the whole curfew thing, so even though it was well after nine at night Dean was free to come and go as he pleased.

“Anywhere but here,” Dean grumbled, the words probably taking on a sharper edge than was entirely necessary. He realized he sounded like some stereotyped teenager but anywhere but here was as far as he had gotten in the planning of his little escape. He hesitated, letting his hand fall from the doorknob, it wasn’t that he thought he dad deserved a better answer it was the apprehension of knowing his dad wouldn’t get anything done if he left. He moved away from the door and back toward the table stepping over his toppled chair as he went. Dean reached under the table and grasped the handle of the six-pack of beer that was sitting by the foot of his father’s chair. Holding the six-pack up he informed his father flatly, “And I’m taking the beer.”

“Don’t get caught with it,” His father advised as Dean once again made his way to the door. “And call me if you are too drunk to drive.”

Dean dropped the beer in the backseat of his car amongst the hoodies he had been too lazy to bring inside. He didn’t actually want the alcohol, he wasn’t a big drinker even at a party, he just didn’t’ want his dad to have it. It may have been a bit petty on his part but after a lifetime of dealing with his father’s irresponsibility, he knew what he needed to do if he wanted his dad to take anything seriously.

After depositing the beer in the backseat Dean dropped himself in the driver’s seat and drove. He wasn’t really thinking as he went, it was more like he was driving the familiar path out of reflex which was probably why he was almost all the way to his Aunt’s before he realized. Whenever he and his dad had a fight or if Dean was just too frustrated with his dad he went to Aunt Naomi’s and hung out with Will. They would watch bad movies or play video games or just bullshit, it was a nice distraction. But Dean knew Will wouldn’t be there, he had gone to New York for the summer to go to some camp. Dean could still go there; Aunt Naomi wouldn’t mind but it wouldn’t be the same.

He ended up pulling over a few blocks from his Aunt’s in the parking lot of a long-abandoned gas station. He cursed his luck, he cursed his life, he especially cursed Will’s stupid fucking summer camp. He didn’t want to go home but there wasn’t any other option unless he wanted to just drive around. His friend Watts was always with his girlfriend Ruby, and Wash just started dating one of Ruby’s friends. Both couples were completely impossible to be around, Dean would rather deal with his dad’s bullshit than that. Unfortunately, that was pretty much the extent of Dean’s friend group: Will, Wash, and Watts.

There was also the new guy, Felix, who Dean actually really got along with well but he didn’t know if they counted as friends. They had hung out at school and during soccer tryouts and Dean had given him a ride home three or four times but that was pretty much it. He had the guy’s number but….

It was the strangest thing, just as Dean convinced himself that texting Felix would come off weird or something his phone issued a loud noise signally he had a message and when he looked it was from Felix.

From Felix: I might literally be bored out of my god-damned mind.

It takes Dean a couple minutes to debate his response before replying.

To Felix: Bored enough to hang out?

As soon as he hit the send button he regretted it. This guy was going to think he was a fucking weirdo, Dean chastised himself. This was probably why he had all of three friends but Dean didn’t mean it to be weird. It wasn’t like he was asking Felix on a date or anything he just…. He didn’t know, he wanted to hang out. Maybe it was because Dean didn’t grow up with a whole lot of boundaries and since he got a car he had even less so if he got bored and wanted to hang out with a friend it didn’t seem weird to call them up even if it was pushing 10:30 pm. And while he and Felix might not have really hung out before he really liked the guy, he was funny and had this no-bullshit personality that Dean admired more than a little.

Felix’ response came much quicker than Dean expected. But, Dean mused darkly to himself, how long does it really take to call someone a creeper and tell them to fuck off?

From Felix: Fuck yeah! Wish I had a fucking car.

Dean didn’t give it any further thought. He shifted the car back into drive and started down the road in the direction of Felix’ house. It was easy to remember where the guy lived because it was one of the nicer houses on the edge of town. Dean managed to type out a reply as he sat impatiently at a red light when he was about halfway there.

To Felix: Your dad would be cool with you going where ever at this time of night?

Felix’ reply came just as Dean brought his car to a stop in front of Felix’ house. The lights all seemed to be off and there didn’t appear to be a car in the driveway. Honestly, it didn’t look like anyone was home. Dean started to wonder if maybe he had remembered wrong, things did tend to look different during the day after all. Before deciding to abort the whole idea he read the message from Felix.

From Felix: He would have to be home to notice.

To Felix: Cool, ‘cause I may be outside

He got no response to his message which just made him positive that he had the wrong house. He started looking around at the other houses curiously. There were only a few other houses in the area and Dean was 100% positive that it had to be one of them, it just had to be.

There was a rapid tap on his car window Dean almost jumped out of his skin. Turning toward the passenger side of the car Dean found that Felix was standing there grinning at him. He rolled down the passenger side window and exclaimed: “Dude, you just scared the shit out of me!”

“Sorry,” Felix offered sincerely his grin turned into a genuine smile. “You may my absolute favorite person right now.”

Alright, so it wasn’t like Dean was into guys or anything but he seriously didn’t get how Felix didn’t have all the girls at school just hanging off him he was so good looking. He had dark hair that seemed to bring out his eyes where were just this really cool hazel color that seemed to look different depending on the lighting. He played soccer so he had a nice body without looking overly muscley. He definitely wasn’t from the south, you could tell just by looking at him, and Dean wasn’t sure why that was but it made him seem almost exotic.

Felix could totally pull off that hipster/preppy style that was the current trend but instead seemed to favor something more basic style. As he leaned against the door of Dean’s car basic meant a plain white t-shirt and dark sweatpants.

“I can’t say my motives aren’t at least partially selfish,” Dean informed casually. He had no intentions of giving Felix specifics about his dysfunctional home life, he didn’t need the guy’s pity. “Do you want to hang out?”

“Yeah,” Felix replied with a shrug.

“Then get in already,” Dean instructed with a wave of his hand like he was gesturing for the guy to hurry up.

To be continued......Maybe