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endless-whump · 5 years

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Marcus and Luca: Alone

Trigger Warnings; implied institutionalized slavery/pet whump, implied child abuse, there really isn’t anything heavy in this chapter

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The rain poured down on the two as they walked, cars speeding by every once in a while on the quiet road. Luca held Marcus’s hand tightly, the teenager staring blankly ahead as he kept pace.

It was dark, the night illuminated by street lights and buildings, the air smelling of rain and gas. Luca shivered, trying to shake the memory of the cold metal in his hands, the ringing of his ears as the gunshot went off. The bruises made every step ache, his teeth clenched as he stayed focused. Stayed on task.

He was sharply aware of the letter tucked into his jacket pocket, the one with the safe house address he couldn’t read. It was in Quebec, and how they were going to get there was something Luca couldn’t even begin to try to think out. His main objective right now was to get as far away from that damn house as possible, and to get Marcus safe.

Marcus had taken the collar off as soon as Stephen had left the house that morning, and the barcode on his wrist was hidden by his jacket, so to the casual passerby they could’ve easily passed as brothers, or even a father and his son caught in the rain on their way home.

“L,Luca?” He turned his head sharply as Marcus stumbled, trying to keep up. He stopped, a hand on the teens shoulder to support him. “C,can we,,we find somewhere to stay? S,cold,” Luca’s eyes darted around, knowing Marcus couldn’t keep going like this any longer. They were both soaked, Marcus’s teeth chattering. Luca knew he probably couldn’t either, face numb with cold and legs aching.

“Y,yea, we can. Just n,need to find somewhere.” His mind was hopelessly blank of ideas. He didn’t know where they were supposed to go, what you were supposed to do in these types of situations.

“C,can’t go to a hotel,” Marcus said miserable. “You,,you don’t have an ID,,dad always needed one,” Luca wasn’t sure what that meant, growing frustrated with himself. Any time he tried to look up at the store signs surrounding them blinding pain shot through him, legs threatening to give out as the breath was knocked from him.

Everything was just blank. He didn’t know where they were, what direction they should be going in. He didn’t have any fucking clue how to operate in public, never having left the house for more than a grocery trip.

“Lu,Luca?” Marcus’s voice snapped him out of his thoughts. The teen was tugging at his sleeve, trying to pull him in the direction of an alley. “There’s a car, Luca. It’s abandoned. M,maybe we can stay there?” Luca looked in the direction he was pointing, seeing the empty alley. There was a small, abandoned car sitting near the back, the hood torn off and a wheel missing. It was better than nothing.

The two tried to be as subtle as they could, approaching the car with caution. Marcus tugged at the back seat handle, finding it surprisingly unlocked. He quickly crawled inside, happy to at least be out of the rain and wind. Luca followed behind.

He was shaking, hands trembling as he unzipped the backpack. It was so damn cold, and it reminded him of,,of something. He shoved it away before it could develop, focusing on the task at hand. Marcus’s teeth were chattering as he peeled off the soaked raincoat, huddled in the corner of the back seat.

He needed to get Marcus warm, that much he knew. He pulled out a blanket the teen had packed, quickly wrapping it around him and rubbing his shoulders.

“I, I packed food, we need,,need to get a bus. S,safehouse,,need to-“

“Marcus,” Luca said softly. “I,,I know I don’t really know what I’m doing, but I need you to let me take the reins right now.”

Markus went quiet, simply nodding and closing his eyes as he shivered. They could hear the cars speeding by on the road beside them, rain pattering down on the top of the car. Otherwise it was quiet, almost peaceful in the car. Marcus looked so small, legs brought up to curl up tightly underneath the blanket.

Luca curled up beside him, eyeing out the window warily. He watched the water droplets fall down the glass panes, glad to be somewhere he could dry off. This deep, cold feeling reminded him of when he’d been left in the kennel, snow steadily covering him in the early January temperatures.

There were stores and gas stations lining the roads, some visible from their secluded spot in the car. He avoided looking at any of them too much, too scared of his eyes accidentally trailing over the printed signs lining the windows.

He let himself close his eyes, exhaustion dragging at his body. He’d sleep for just a moment, he told himself. Just a little bit, then he’d keep watch. He had to keep Marcus safe.

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“-ca!”

Luca forced his eyes open, a task that seemed impossible. Every inch of him seemed so cold, so heavy and impossible to move. He felt hands shaking him, a desperate voice beside him.

“P,please wake up, Luca. We,,we need to move.” Marcus was sitting next to him, a panicked expression on his face. “Please Lucas, we need to move now.“

He sat up, noticing he was able to see the others breath. Marcus shoved a pair of gloves and a hat into Luca’s hands, already sporting his own. They hadn’t exactly had time to get dressed properly before leaving the night before, the affects of the cold obvious because of it.

“What’s wrong?” Luca looked around still disoriented.

“T,there’s been a lot of police passing by. We need to get out of h,here,” He was shoving things back into his backpack, two protien bars in his hand, one of which he passed to Luca. He looked down at it, instantly struggling to blink away the flash of pain that followed.

Marcus tried opening the car door, tensing when it didn’t budge. “Luca?” He said quietly. “The door wont open.”

Luca tried his side and got the same result. The rain from the previous night has frozen the doors and locks shut, leaving them locked in the car. Marcus didn’t leave much time for Luca to panic, though, bracing himself on the seat and sending a kick to the door. It didn’t open, but they heard an audible crack of ice. He tried again, this time sending the door swinging open, the cold air hitting them like a punch.

Luca inhaled sharply at the biting wind, climbing out of the car behind Marcus and standing, legs sore. It looked like early morning, the sky still relatively dark. It has stopped raining fortunately, but it was still ridiculously cold, the wind sending chills through him.

Marcus slipped his hand into Luca’s, and the two cautiously made their way out of the alley. Marcus was right about there being more police around, getting increasingly more anxious as they wove their way through the streets. Marcus mostly led the way, and they didn't stop until they found themselves standing outside a run down looking diner. Marcus didn't hesitate as he pushed the door open and walked in, and Luca followed him without asking questions.

The bells attached to the door rang as it swung open, startling Luca slightly. It was a small, friendly looking place, mostly empty thankfully.

“We’ll be ok here, I know Jaren.” Marcus quickly hopped up onto the barstool by the counter, smiling and greeting the young man there, who couldn't have been older than 30. Luca assumed this was Jaren, standing nervously next to Marcus as they talked.

“Are you ok, kid? You look like you got into a fist fight, and it's freezing outside.” Jaren barely spared a glance at Luca, but he didn't mind that. It was warm inside the diner, and Luca found himself relaxing in the safe feeling environment. He kept his eyes down as much as he could, avoiding looking at the menus and signs covering the walls, but otherwise there was nothing that seemed dangerous there.

“Things got bad at home. We’re leaving now instead of when planned.” Jaren narrowed his eyes, glancing at Luca.

“You sure you don't want me to-”

“No,” Marcus almost snapped, lowering his voice. “Please, Jaren. You promised. Don’t get involved in this. Please.” Jaren stared at him, contemplating before nodding, not looking happy about the decision.

“Fine. At least let me get you guys breakfast, you look tired and cold and he looks dead on his feet. Have a seat, son.”

Luca blinked, unsure if he was being addressed before Marcus patted the seat next to him, the teens legs swinging slightly as he sat up on the tall barstool. Jaren left briefly, and Marcus opened his backpack and grabbed a map, slapping it on the counter. Luca couldn't quite understand the lines and markings all over it, but Marcus seemed to be venting his anxiety by trying to explain it.

“We’re in Pittsburg right now. If we can get to the bus stop, I have enough money to get us to the border station.” He paused, biting his lip nervously. “I,,I don’t really know how we’re gonna get across, they were supposed to send an ID for you but,,you know.”

Jaren came back with two plates, setting them in front of the two and taking the map. “Eat up. Geez kid, you’ve really got this all mapped out. How old are you again?”

Marcus rolled his eyes, picking up his fork and digging into the biscuit with gravy. “I’m in highschool, I’m not seven.”

Jaren chuckled, pushing glasses of orange juice towards them. “Basically the same thing. You should be in algebra right now, not plotting to escape the country.” His voice was tainted with sympathy, the lighthearted jest concealing how upset the older man seemed.

Luca slowly ate his food, the fresh eggs and biscuits and bacon a glorious alternative to the protein bars and sandwiches and leftover spaghetti he was used to.

The discussion seemed to freeze to a halt, the two looking at the tv in the corner of the diner. Luca looked up curiously, them both looking pale and panicked

“You told me things got bad, you didn't tell me you,,you didn't tell me it was this bad. You should have called the police.”

“Shut up!” Marcus hushed. “They’d just take Luca away. They wouldn't believe me and you know it, Jaren. They never did before.” Marcus was quickly shoving their things into his backpack, eyes darting around.

“Their saying he fu- that he kidnapped you, Marcus. Do you realize how serious this is? Your dad is in the hospital right now.” Jaren was talking in a hushed tone, trying to keep attention away from them.

“I don't care.” Marcus said, tears in his eyes. “We,,we need to get out of here.”

And that's when there was a yell behind them, and everything turned to chaos. Marcus grabbed Luca by the arm, practically dragging him from his seat and towards the back of the diner. There was more yelling, a table crashing, everything a blur as they burst out the back door and back into the cold.

Luca stumbled as he tried to keep up, not having much speed despite how tall he was. They darted through the winding streets, Marcus seeming to know exactly where he was going in the New Hampshire town. Luca tried to block out the people they passed, the loud cars and yelling and the pain in his ribs and head and leg, trying to focus on the teenager in front of him and the sidewalk they sprinted down.

Everything was a blur, Luca’s senses overwhelmed by the loud sounds of the town and the pain and he tried so desperately to just run, trying so desperately to keep his focus on running away.

They were ducking around crates, pushing past people as they weaved through the crowd, the voices behind them growing distant until they were nonexistent, and a realization hit Luca like a punch as he finally slowed down.

Luca had tried to keep his eyes locked on his distinct, deep green backpack as he ran, not really focused on anything but the teens frantic order to run, and his directions which had eventually stopped. That green backpack was now nowhere in sight.

Marcus was gone, and Luca was alone in the busy street.

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Hope you enjoyed! Sorry for the cliffhanger XD

I really really liked writing this chapter, but idk how I feel about the pacing, does it feel off or rushed to you guys? Feedback would be greatly appreciated <3

Lemme know if you want to be included or removed from the tag list!

@night-writers @pepperonyscience @burtlederp @im-not-rare-im-rarr @theatrebookchild @cowboysrappin @spiffythespook @lumpofwhump @whumptywhumpdump @winedark-whump @michelleswhumpyreblogs@albino-whumpee

#whump #box boy #box boy universe #on the run #running away #cold #hurt #whumpee #Marcus and Luca #my oc's #my writing #lost #lost in crowd #chased #cw pet whump

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emeto-things · 6 years

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My Emetophobia Story!

Hi my name is Abby and I’ve had emetophobia since 2011 when I was only 8 years old. It was the winter and the flu was going around. My brother got it, and for some reason he makes himself sick on purpose so he can feel better? Idk. Either way, my bedroom was next door to the bathroom. I woke up to the horrendous sound of g* and v*. I ran into my parents room and asked my mom what was going. She told me he was purposefully making himself sick and that everything was okay. After shaking and crying, I went to bed and couldn’t sleep because it made me so awake. I ended up catching the flu a couple hours later. I was so worried that I was gonna v* too and my mom could NOT convince me that it wasn’t part of the flu and he didn’t that on purpose. The whole time I had the flu I slept barely any, constantly worrying i’d v*. Thankfully I didn’t! After the flu was gone, I was back to my normal self. Until 2013, when I was 10. I was talking to a pen pal online and we decided to make a movie together. I was in charge of everything, and she’d call me everyday asking if I had worked on it. It stressed me out so much that I developed anxiety. Later that year, I was in the car and felt totally fine but had a scary thought of “what if I get motion sickness?” I had motion sickness when I was younger and I still might I just don’t wanna test it. I started to cry and shake uncontrollably and I didn’t know why. I guess that was my first glimpse of a panic attack but I didn’t know such thing existed back then. I realized my friend was not so much of a good friend after all and decided to cut ties with her. My anxiety kinda disappeared again. I then started to develop OCD. I would constantly check her social media’s and read our old messages obsessively to the point i’d Be sad that I left her. It took me monthsss to get over that. But I eventually did. In 2014, my fears got far behind me and I was having a really good life. I don’t remember having anxiety at all much that year. It was the best year ever to this day. In early 2015 when I was 12, I started having strange, violent thoughts. I’d be sleeping with my dog and get a random “urge” to want to shove him off the bed and hurt him. The thoughts scared me so much since I love him and would never want to hurt him. I started having them more. I’d have an “urge” to kill a family member or poison them. It made me so uncomfortable and scared and I thought I had a serious problem and was going to end up a serial killer. It wasn’t until a few months later I was researching OCD and found that those thoughts are an extremely common OCD symptom and that you’d never actually act on it. I felt so much better! I found out I wasn’t a crazy person! Now I don’t even have those thoughts anymore. I was going pretty good until April 2015. I had been in an art class for about 6 months, but I’m this particular day I went, apparently a sv* was going around but I didn’t know about it. And apparently someone in my class was s* and still came in. It was a very tight class with a lot of kids and we were all sharing the same markers and pens and pencils and one girl (I believe who was the s* one) coughed with her mouth open all the time and we sat literally right next to each other that I could feel her breath on me. I didn’t have emetophobia then so I didn’t get all freaked out. Besides, I didn’t even know anyone was sick! If I did, I wouldn’t have gone. Not because I was scared but because of common sense. (This part may be a little triggering but i’ll Try not to be. Skip this part if you want.) 2 nights later, I’m asleep. I wake up around 4am with a very bad feeling. I didn’t think I was s* I just didn’t feel good. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I had a small stomach ache, I was kinda dizzy and my head felt really gross. I was also kinda hot & cold and kept having weird dreams every time I’d start to fall asleep. Since I had anxiety in the past, I figured it was just anxiety so I googled ways to calm down and then eventually, my stomach ache went away and I fell asleep. I was extremely tired & basically fell asleep during a small panic attack which is unusual. I woke up again at 7am and I remember my first thoughts were “omg I feel even worse than I did earlier” and I rubbed my head and felt kinda hot. Idk how to describe how I felt it was just horrible. I went on my iPod and went on twitter and was watching YouTube videos to keep my mind off of whatever I was feeling. I then suddenly just g*d. I went into my moms room and told her I had been feeling bad for a while and didn’t know why. She asked me if I was nervous about anything and I said no. I told her I hoped I wasn’t sick. We were counting the days of places I’ve been to see if it was a possibility for me to be sick. And when I said “I went to my art class the other day” my mom realized that could be a possibility but didn’t wanna say anything. She said she still thought I probably wasn’t s* though. I went back to bed and watched more YouTube videos. I suddenly got reaaaaaally tired and decided to listen to calming music. I put on a song and in the song, someone made a noise that sounded like a g* and that triggered my reflex since I was already feeling it anyway. I knew v* was about to happen but I kept on keeping it from happen. I even started to feel better. So I told my mom I was feeling better and would be downstairs for breakfast soon. I got dressed like I normally would, just feeling tired but not really s*. I went downstairs and got a banana and sat on the couch next to my mom. I ate two bites and started to feel s* again. She had on a cooking show which obviously didn’t make me feel any better. I told a joke to my mom that made me start laughing hard and then my headache and pain all came back. I went from laughing to g* within seconds and then it happened. I rushed to the sink, did my thing and then that was it. I ran back to the living room and started crying like crazy and screaming “what is wrong with me???” But thankfully I didn’t get s* again but I was just super tired and drained the whole day. But we had a birthday party at my house that night since I was feeling better. Since that day, everything has changed. The very next day, I started wondering about every bodily symptom that before then I would’ve totally ignored. Just thinking of bananas sent me into panic, my mom couldn’t watch her cooking show around me and the smallest stomach pain would send me into a panic spiral. Over the summer I got really busy and my phobia got pushed aside. I still worried about it more than I ever did before but I wasn’t panicking and I could get my mind off of it pretty easily. I even got to meet my favorite band (The Vamps) that summer! Which totally distracted me from everything. It was going pretty good until October 2015. I went to Starbucks and got a pumpkin coffee, and had a strange thought of “what if I’m allergic to pumpkin?” And I started to have trouble breathing (not because a health issue, it was my anxiety - but I didn’t know that then.) I calmed down, and the day went on like normal. That night, my family came over and I was in my room singing. I got extremely hot out of nowhere, so I ripped my boots, jacket and scarf off and turned on my fan. I got even more hot. Then my lips went tingly and so did my hands and feet. Then I started getting really dizzy. I ran downstairs to my mom. I had NO idea what was happening. I cried for hours and my grandma (who also has anxiety) helped me and told me it was a panic attack and how she has had them before. They really calmed me down, and after it was over I was so thankful and was glad i’d Probably never experience another one. I was wrong. The next morning, the panic symptoms came back and I was on the verge of another one. I had a panic attack everyday for around 2-3 weeks. I was miserable, tired and my nerves never got a chance to relax because any time I was almost calm, I would panic again. At the same time, my dad lost his job, my brother had a horrible cold that I caught (I’m not even telling that story because it’s too long. I didn’t v* though!!!) and my anxiety was the worst it had ever been. Christmas that year was a total blur because I was so sleep deprived and out of it that I honestly barely remember what happened. In 2016, my anxiety got a lot better. I was still very careful and worried a lot but I wasn’t panicking all the time. I developed OCD hard core though. I couldn’t do simple tasks like cleaning my room because I would have to refill a certain article of clothing 50+ times due to my OCD. My OCD would say “if you don’t fold it like this, you’ll get s*” so I listened to it. I feel like I was dead that whole year. My hair was dry and brittle and almost coming out because I stayed in the shower so long trying to get clean and I brushed my hair super hard because my OCD told me it was the only thing to prevent s* from happening. Thanks to a lovely girl online who helped me with OCD and the help of praying, my OCD went away almost completely!! I was so happy. This was in January 2017 when I was 14. My family had a stressful year though due to family problems. But around June 2017, my anxiety and emetophobia started to pick up again and it’s been bad again ever since. I worry about food and viruses more than I ever have and I’m starting to have panic attacks again. So sadly, that’s where I am now. 15 years old atm. My life is still pretty good I guess. I don’t have controlling OCD anymore, and since I’m older I’m able to think more logically than I used to. But I’m nowhere near recovery yet. Hopefully soon! Sadly, I can’t end my story on a positive note because I have recovered yet. But for all of you out there dealing with this horrible phobia, I know what you’re going through. You’re not alone. I know what it feels like to shaky uncontrollably worrying that any second you’ll be s*. I know what fake n* feels like. I know what worrying to the point you just want to sleep feels like. I know what it feels like to want to die than rather be s*. I know what you feel like! I’ve felt it several times and it’s horrible. But we can get through this together. We are so much stronger than we think we are and we won’t let this phobia beat us. I know it can be so controlling, but we can do it. Getting s* is soooo uncommon. People rarely ever v* and if they do, it’s because they were doing something us careful people wouldn’t. We are so careful that we have way less of a chance than people who aren’t like us - and even they won’t be s*!! Don’t worry. You will be okay. Remember all the times you’ve felt this way and been scared all for nothing. Each time you have a panic attack, it makes you stronger. And remember not to google your symptoms. Google doesn’t know everything and there’s a lot of liars and people who don’t know much out there. Some people probably post things just to scare us health freaks! You’re going to be okay. And you won’t be s*. Keep telling yourself that! You’re okay and we’ll get through this, together. Stay strong my loves!❤️❤️❤️

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wineanddinosaur · 4 years

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VinePair Podcast: Can Small Towns Save Sommeliers and Bartenders?

The shake-up of the restaurant and bar industry caused by Covid-19 has, without a doubt, had a sizable impact on the entire service sector. When dining and drinking out recovers, there will certainly be demand for cooks and servers, but what about beverage specialists like sommeliers and bartenders? Will changing conditions in big cities create incentives for drinks pros to move to smaller cities and towns?

That’s what Adam Teeter and Zach Geballe discuss on this week’s “VinePair Podcast.” Are some of the advantages of a smaller city — like cheaper rent and less competition — compelling enough to create an exodus? Are some of our ideas about larger and smaller markets outdated in this era of remote work and video conferencing? Will this be yet another way in which Covid-19 completely reshapes the drinks landscape?

Listen Online

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Or Check out the conversation here

Adam: From Brooklyn, New York, I’m Adam Teeter.

Zach: And in Seattle, Washington, I’m Zach Geballe.

A: And this is the “VinePairPodcast.” And Zach, man, what’s going on? What you’ve been up to? I mean, you’ve got like three days left. I mean, Dry January is going to be over. So what are you going to be drinking? Because you said that what you liked about Dry January is you get to plan. So I’d like to know your plan.

Z: I know, it’s true. It’s one of these funny things, so just because of how the calendar falls, the first day of February — when you all presumably or many of you are listening to this — is a Monday. And so it’s not like the most exciting day to be like, let’s have a drink. I think, honestly, the thing that I’ve craved the most and it’s sort of surprised me is, I really think, I got some darker beers from a brewery near our house that were like a special run. And my wife and I got them during January, we’ve been kind of holding on. So I have a hazelnut stout, which sounded appealing to both of us. So that’s kind of been the thing I’ve been most jonesing for. And that’s kind of a good “I’m going to have a drink on Monday night. I’m not going to have several.”

A: Yeah.

Z: But really, I think the two things beyond that that I’ve been missing, definitely gonna have some sparkling wine of some sort. Knowing me, probably Champagne.

A: Yeah.

Z: And then I’ve really also been missing gin. I didn’t think that would be the spirit that I’d be missing, but so, I don’t know, maybe I will make myself a gin and tonic. Honestly it’s been the drink that I’ve been sort of craving, in part because I’ve been drinking some just plain tonic water on occasion. So which is like, I like tonic water all right. But man, that is a big-a** let down.

A: Yeah.

Z: It’s not the same as drinking a gin and tonic. I am well aware. So yeah, these last couple of days there’s always that, like, sort of voice in the back of my head that’s like, “It’s basically February. You can have a drink, it’s OK. ” And it’s like, I’m just going to hold on, and then I feel like I’ve completed something, but yeah. What have you been drinking?

A: So I mean, Naomi and I actually did this really fun thing last night where we had dinner and then at the end of dinner we had a glass each of Scotch. Which was nice, we didn’t have any through dinner and whatever, then in the late evening, we had a glass of Scotch while we watched a television show so it was sort of like our treat that was almost like a dessert. And I really liked that. It was a GlenDronach, which is a Tim McKirdy favorite.

Z: Oh, really?

A: Yeah. And it was really good. It was very delicious. And it was a nice way to end the evening. And so that’s probably the most memorable thing that I’ve had recently. And it was also nice because I’ve been drinking a lot of bourbon, and I forgot how nice Scotch is, especially in the late evening. I find that I can’t drink bourbon after a meal. I can have a glass of bourbon on a Friday night instead of a cocktail. I’d have a glass of bourbon, and then I’ll have dinner and maybe a bottle of wine with Naomi, but I’m not going to have a bottle of wine and then be like, “You know what I want? Is a dram of bourbon.” I feel like to me I can’t do it. But the Scotch was nice. I feel like it’s just like that lighter whiskey, not as light as an Irish whiskey, but it was a lighter whiskey that just is very, very drinkable. And so that was nice. Yeah, besides that, man, not much. Who knows what I’ll get into this weekend, but no real plans. It’s also supposed to be the coldest weekend of the year. We’re at that point in January when we get a few of these days where it’s just unbearable. And I think we’re there. And it’s pretty funny, too, to pick on Tim McKirdy one more time.

Z: Why not?

A: Yeah, he’s down in the Caribbean right now visiting family. And he’s like, “I fly back on Saturday.” I was thinking to myself, man, I would just have been like, “We’re all working remote. Can I stay until this crazy cold front is through?” Because it’s going to be insane. Even today, I think the high is like 28 or something. It’s no fun. So who knows? I’m actually thinking more, too, about like, OK, I’m going to have to go to the grocery store maybe tomorrow morning before work. What do I want to get for the weekend in terms of dinners and stuff that are also kind of warming and comforting because it’s going to be miserable, I think.

Z: Yeah, I would say that is one of the things about this year of quarantining that is like, it does make it a lot easier when the weather sucks to be like, “Well, I wasn’t going to do anything anyhow,” at least for me. The downside is, it does on the flip side make that bad weather feel maybe more oppressive because you’re like, “Even if I were to brave the cold, what exactly would I be braving it for?” I like to avoid all people. I wanted to mention one thing also when we were talking about drinking, because I thought it was really interesting to me to think about this in the context of this period of time in the winter where for much of the U.S., it’s cold out, and people are eating and drinking. If they’re doing it, a lot of them are doing it outside, even if it’s not very pleasant. And I was wondering, I know you had mentioned that you were meeting Mary Taylor for beers on our last episode. What was it like to sit outside and drink a beer in what I’m assuming was not nice weather?

A: Oh, let me tell you two stories, Zach, now that you asked. So one, Mary Taylor, it wasn’t that bad actually, because it was like one of these more temperate nights. And also we just had like two beers. And so I wasn’t there for that long. So earlier this week, Monday, actually, so I guess a week from when people are going to listen to this podcast, I have a friend who sits on our advisory board. He’s become a friend, but he is an adviser. His name is Philippe Newlin. And he actually runs this company called IvyWine, which is really amazing. He used to also run Duclot. So they import Pétrus.

Z: We’ve had Felipe on the podcast, too. You only hang out with people who have already been on the podcast.

A: Oh, right. Yes. If you wanna be my friend, come on the podcast.

Z: Except me, right?

A: Yeah. You’re not my friend. No, Zach. You’re my friend. Come on. I don’t want to get that message to people.

Z: I know. I know.

A: But also I like how you kind of dug for the compliment there. That was really good. But so he was like, “Can we get breakfast? I want to tell you about some cool stuff I’m doing,” which he’s doing some super-cool stuff. So Philippe basically, in addition to — and I’m going into way too much information about him — but he teaches this very popular wine class to students at Columbia Business School and Yale Law School or maybe Yale Business School. And it’s super popular. You take it one of the years you’re in school. It’s considered extracurricular, but it’s only available to people who are students of these schools. And he’s been doing it for 10 or 15 years, I think. And he has this massive following. So anyways, he’s been still doing it through Covid remotely, just like every other professor has been teaching remotely. But, Philippe’s eight courses are on wine, which I think is awesome. And so he wanted to catch up about that and talk about some other things he was up to. And he was like, “Can we meet for breakfast?” And I was like, “Sure.” And we met in Lower Manhattan. And it was miserable. I mean, I put on long underwear. I joked with him, it was like I was getting ready to go skiing. But I’m from the South and don’t ski. I don’t do these things. I don’t do these crazy winter sports where you have to wear 50 flayers, and you’re like, “Yeah, but I’m outside it’s the best!” It was fine for the 15 minutes that I had my cappuccino, and then it became really miserable really fast. And they had heaters and stuff, and I felt really bad for these restaurant workers, and it was this place called Dudley’s which, actually, they claim to have introduced the avocado toast to New York City. It’s these Australian, I think they’re from Melbourne, it’s like an Aussie all-day cafe. And there were other people there. I think it’s been featured in shows or whatever. We picked it because it was equidistant to where we were both coming from. And they have a really safe outdoor setup. That’s the other thing, too, that you have to check for. What feels safe. There’s a lot of it in the city we talked about before, like outdoor indoor dining, where it’s like literally they have four walls and a door, and it just happens to be outside. It’s like, “So this actually looks smaller than if I were to eat inside your restaurant? This doesn’t feel safe.” But this is open, but that “openness” means it’s miserable. So it’s hard, man. And yeah, this weekend I think is going to hurt a lot of places because it’s going to be so cold. Who’s going to do that?

Z: Yeah, I don’t know.

A: It’s not easy. It’s not easy. I’m just ready for a crowded, warm bar in the winter. That’s always a fun time.

Z: The thing where you step inside and suddenly you’re wearing your winter coat and all that, and all of a sudden you’re like, “Oh, it is like 80 degrees in here, and I have to shed all of my clothing as fast as possible.”

A: Yeah. And the only thing that sucks about that, right?

Z: Is the smell?

A: If you go to a really crowded bar, your jacket always winds up on the floor.

Z: Yeah.

A: It always winds up on the floor in a crowded bar when it’s that warm inside and the floor is sticky and you’re like, “Oh man, now my nice winter coat is on the floor of this bar.”

Z: I used to be the person who never understood why coat checks existed in places. Not so much in bars, occasionally clubs, etc. And now as an actual adult, I’m like, “Oh, I would gladly pay 5 bucks to make sure that no one stepped on my coat.”

A: Exactly, right? It’s like, no, I’m going to keep this and just risk it being covered in spilled beer later. But so speaking of restaurants, etc., we have a pretty fun topic today. You want to introduce it? Because the email that came from the listener came through and was addressed to you.

Z: It’s true. Yeah. So we got an email from a listener. And as a reminder, of course, if you guys want to reach out to us with comments, questions, or possible topics, it’s [email protected]. And John, who wrote to us, thank you so much for your email. And he kind of had a long email that was in part in response to an article I wrote for VinePair, or an essay, I guess, I wrote a couple of weeks ago, pondering the future specifically of the sommelier profession. And he wrote, and John is based in Blacksburg, Va. He works at Virginia Tech and also owns a wine bar there. And he was writing asking a question about basically — maybe in particular in light of what’s happened to the industry through Covid — is there the possibility that sommeliers, as he asked and I would expand this to maybe be “beverage professionals” more generally, so your skilled bartenders, your cicerones, people of that ilk who are specialized beverage professionals within the larger restaurant/bar industry. Would they be tempted to move or interested in moving to smaller markets that might not have a person of their standing already or might not have many? And sort of trading in the density and the “glamour,” I guess you would say, of big-city living for smaller cities, towns, college towns like Blacksburg, places like that. And I thought this was a fascinating question. I wrote back to John and we’ll cover kind of some of what I said. But I would really love to start with your thoughts, Adam. You’re connected to a lot of the industry, as am I. And I’m wondering, have you heard any sort of rumblings along these lines from people — whether they’re, specifically the sommeliers, bartenders I spoke of, or maybe just beverage industry pros, period?

A: So I think two things. One, I’m from a small town, too. A small college town. So I think, I used to always have this perspective that obviously that’s why you left those places. That’s why I didn’t even want to go to college in the university town I was from, even though I love the sports team — War Damn Eagle. But, I wanted to go to Atlanta and go to school at Emory, and then, same exact story, you wanted to go to NYU, right? Like this “being in a city” and whatever. I do think, though, there are people doing it. And I think what’s interesting about what you said to John that resonated with me in your response, because you CC’d me, which was very nice of you, was I don’t see a lot of people moving to these towns. And look, it’s going to have to start to happen if more people move, but I don’t see people in many of these towns looking for jobs. In like the, “I’m going to move to a college town where a wine bar already exists and try to become their beverage director.” And I think you had a good point about that, which was because if you get there and you don’t like that place, then there’s not another place for you to move to, if that’s the only great wine bar that caused you to move there in the first place. What I do see some of, and I think we might see more of, is people moving and opening their own places. I mean, yes, rent is going to be cheap in New York, relatively, when Covid is over there are people getting “steals.” But you’re never going to beat the rent of smaller towns. I mean, to put this in perspective. This has nothing to do with bars, but this is just friends of mine I know who are looking to potentially open a brewery. They’re connected or were connected to a very large, very famous brewery in New York City. They’ve gone out on their own. And they were looking in a small town in the Hudson Valley, and they found this property that was, like, it’s two buildings. It’s on a river. It has an apartment in one of the buildings that you can use. You can furnish it but it’s fully updated. It’s like this old tanning factory or something. Do you know what the rent is for a month?

Z: I’m guessing. I’m guessing it’s — I don’t know. You tell me.

A: $5,000.

Z: Wow.

A: Right? Like you can’t find a tiny office in Manhattan for $5,000 that’s a thousand square feet. So I think there are opportunities to move to these towns. And as other people in the Hudson Valley on the brewery side have noticed, people will also come to those destinations. And I think especially when it’s smaller, when small towns are connected to colleges, as you mentioned in your article, right? There are additional economic drivers that help. There are huge football games. There are basketball games. There’s usually university theaters that bring people into the town in addition to just a town that has a group of people in it that are, I don’t want to say “intelligentsia” like an elitist. But, they all would be looking for a nice wine bar to meet up with their grad students. I mean, I think that was my dad’s biggest thing when he was a professor, he just retired. But there were no really great bars to meet your students, your adult students at. Right? Because you either were at a point when I was growing up and he was really pushing as having lots of grad students where, like you were either going to wind up at the bars where all your undergrad students were at — and you don’t want to ever be there. Or you were basically having a beer with your student in your office. Or you’re inviting them into your home. There weren’t any “adult places.” And that’s what I thought was so cool about what John said in his emails was, he was like, this wine bar he’s created is for the professors. It’s for the adults in town. But then there are students who want to learn about wine who are of age, seniors or whatever, who are now coming to his wine bar, too. So you definitely are hearing about it. There’s another really great bar called Law Bird in Columbus, Ohio. Yes. I also get that Columbus is a bigger city, but it’s really known for the university.

Z: Yeah, of course.

A: Law Bird is amazing. And it’s done really well and winning a lot of awards on the mixology front. And I think there are people around the country that are really starved for these places. And as we’ve become more connected, we’re seeing what we can have. We’re traveling to New York and we’re experiencing it or maybe we’re living in a city like New York or Atlanta or whatever for a few years and having a great experience going out to wine bars or cocktail bars and then going to these smaller towns. We want that still. And I think there’s a huge opportunity. But I definitely think it’s an opportunity more in ownership, right? Than in people saying that they’ll move for something that already exists unless two or three people go and open their own places. And then there’s enough that you could move around a little bit.

Z: Yeah, I think it’s really fascinating. One of the things you and I talked about way back in the early days of this podcast, we talked a little about some of these same issues. And there I think it was a much more hypothetical conversation because we didn’t have this massive change and blow to the industry that Covid has provided. That is going to be a real prompt for a lot of change if it hasn’t already done that. And then we were talking a lot about how — maybe we weren’t talking about college towns exactly. We were talking about, sort of second- and third-rung cities. Places like Atlanta, places like Pittsburgh, maybe you would say Austin or Omaha, those are all different in various ways. And I still think that that whole piece of what we’ve talked about is really true and that there’s a lot, and I think one thing you will see is definitely people will be challenged to find jobs of the kind that they’re used to in New York, in San Francisco, in Las Vegas, possibly even, moving to smaller cities. But I think, and to come back to this specific topic, what I hadn’t considered, but until John’s email and thinking more about it, was that really, for a lot of people, the potential is going to be to build something of their own or maybe with an existing property where the ownership is willing to really kind of invest in this idea and say, “Look, yeah, we might be in Boise or we might be in Blacksburg, we might be in,” you know, pick one of our hundred. “And we know that there is an audience here.” And yes, the audience is a fraction of the possible audience for something in New York or San Francisco. But we also know that there’s no competition. We have a captive audience in a lot of ways and more than ever before, people in those places are not interested exclusively in the limited selection and arguably limited quality that their options would have provided. And we’ve talked a lot on this podcast, both in terms of the flagship pod and the “Next Round” episodes, to and about challenges in getting products to people who are not in big cities. Right? People who are just as enthusiastic of a spirit drinker, beer drinker, wine drinker who want to drink the things that they hear about, that they read about, that they see things about on social media and don’t have a conduit because they don’t have a good wine shop in their hometown or a wine bar in their hometown. And online shipping is maybe becoming more of a thing, but still not robust enough for a lot of people, and the idea of going into one of those places is really, I think, exciting, because, again, like I said, there’s not the same level of competition. And because — I’ll say this from my own perspective even — one thing that became a little hard in what I was doing professionally in Seattle, and I think is even more so the case in possibly somewhere like New York, is that to be sort of “cutting edge” you suddenly are at a point where you are encouraging people and recommending to people these really obscure wines. And that doesn’t mean they’re not amazing. Sometimes they’re fantastic, but it does sometimes take you pretty far afield. It took me pretty far afield sometimes from what I really fell in love with about wine. And it was much more about, OK, well, how obscure of a wine — specifically, because, again, that’s where I’ve mostly worked — how obscure a wine could I procure? And at some point is that really the thing? But in a smaller market, you might be able to. I’m not saying you’re going to be like, have you ever heard of Burgundy? I mean, maybe that will be your role, but it’s more like you can still probably excite people with really, really amazing wines that still come from classic regions. You can probably turn people on to great producers in Burgundy or Barolo or the Sonoma Valley or whatever. Those things are not going to be as ubiquitous or seen as passé, almost, in a market that isn’t inundated with wine bars and shops or cocktail bars or whatever. You can work in this great area where you’re not necessarily selling the stuff that everyone knows, but you’re also not having to kind of strain at the borders of what is even available to excite people, I don’t think.

A: Yeah, I think you’re really right here. You’re spot on. And, I was realizing while you were talking is what we’re talking about, it’s not like it hasn’t been done before. Yeah. OK fine, I gave some examples like other wine bars and bars I know of of the few, but chefs have been doing this for years.

Z: Yeah, absolutely.

A: I mean, chefs have been doing this for years. I mean, that’s what is interesting about Auburn now. For the last I think six or seven years even longer, what’s considered to be one of the best restaurants in the state of Alabama and I think in the southeast is called Acre, and it’s in Auburn. The chef left, I think he was either in Atlanta or in New Orleans and moved back. And has this incredible farm-to-table restaurant. Now, I don’t remember any time I’ve been there there being a beverage director. But that might be because he can’t find someone, right? I’m not really sure. But chefs have been doing it forever. I mean, that’s what kind of helped reinvigorate the Hudson Valley was all of these incredible chefs that were leaving the West Village in Brooklyn and whatever and saying, like, “Screw it, I’m going to move up there.” And then beverage people followed. So, there’s no reason why you can’t go that route and find a chef that’s doing that or just do it yourself. The models are there, the one thing I’m curious about, though, Zach, is the comment you did make in the email, which was, some people might be scared about being able to find the wines that they love in their current markets. And I get that, even if it’s something that either is not true. Right? Like maybe you can find them if you work hard enough or also that people just need to get over, like, “OK, so you can’t find your heavily allocated X, Y, or Z. But like, there’s so much good wine out there, why do you care?”

Z: Yeah, I remember years and years ago talking to a sommelier, a wine director, I guess, who was working in Charleston and then moved to North Carolina and was talking about how even just in that change, North Carolina is a pretty big population state, but it doesn’t have the equivalent of Charleston. Or I mean, Asheville is kind of a food destination, but it’s much smaller and it’s not, you know, it’s not coastal. It’s not kind of picturesque in the way that Charleston is. And what she told me, was like, “You know, the great thing about this is all the wine that I had to fight for in Charleston” because, South Carolina as a state or Charleston as a market got X amount of it. And North Carolina gets at least that much allocated by the importer or the distributor. But no one wants it, or there’s a few people maybe in the Research Triangle who want it. There’s a few markets for those kinds of wines. But she was able to go get what she wanted. And I think that to some extent where you go, that may or may not be the case. I mean, Virginia is complicated because obviously Virginia has some big cities and obviously a lot of sort of satellite D.C. neighborhoods that probably have serious wine programs or wine restaurant wine bars and shops. But at the same time, I think that, yes, you may not be able to get the exact wine you want. Although on the flip side, if you move to a place — especially a smaller city or town — and you open a serious wine shop and you show the distributor in that state, like, “Look, I can sell whatever. I want to get this, I’ll buy it.” They will take your money, generally. They’ll be happy to. Even if it’s something that they work with an importer who doesn’t normally bring that into their state. But you tell them, “Hey, look, I’ll buy two cases of this” or “I’ll buy five cases of this” or whatever the quantities you’re working on. They’re in it to do business. And so they will generally do business with you if they can. And a lot of those places would love, for a variety of reasons, those businesses would love to shift to buy higher-end wines, to sell them. It’s good for them on a lot of different levels. But the other thing I would say is — and this is the piece of it that I think I mentioned in my article — and I’m not sure how to resolve this because I do think there is a challenge to this, which is part of the reason why people have traditionally gravitated towards big markets in the beverage alcohol profession, is some of what we talked about, lots of different job opportunities. You have better access to product, but some of it is about a level of camaraderie and a community. And that, to me, is one of the things that I think is just a challenge. It’s not an insoluble one. And it’s certainly, there are some people in the beverage alcohol profession who, frankly, are not as interested in that community going forward or want to build it from scratch, themselves. Someone I spoke to for that article who I think we’ve featured on VinePair before, John Wabeck, who is a guy in Pittsburgh, a wine professional in Pittsburgh, and really kind of created the sommelier scene in Pittsburgh, not entirely by himself, but was really instrumental in creating it. You can be a person like that who says, “You know what, I don’t need an existing community. I will create one. I will find people who are interested in wine or cocktails. And I’ll teach them, I’ll learn from them, etc.” But there are a lot of people who come to big cities because they recognize that one of the best ways to learn about these things is to be in a community. And it’s hard to do that if you’re the expert. It’s nice to be the expert in some ways, but it’s hard to learn sometimes when you’re the expert. You have to be the engine of your own learning all the time. And unfortunately, the other piece of this is that, and we’ve talked about this on the podcast, too, especially outside of those regions, maybe even outside of the U.S. the perception of America as a market, especially for wine, but for other things, too, is still about, what, four or five, eight, 10 cities max? It’s a fight to get not just products, but people who are visiting winemakers and even whole promotional organizations and boards. If you’re in a smaller town, do you want to be having to go on the road, take a five-, six-, seven-hour drive just to be able to go taste wine, because the only city in your broad region that’s getting a visit from this Italian wine consortium or whatever is that far away? That’s a tough thing. I mean, again, I don’t think it’s insurmountable. I think there are some people who would look at that as an acceptable cost, but it is a real challenge for people, I think, especially younger professionals who might not be able to kind of be as self-confident in saying, “Hey, I’m going to just go build this thing from nothing.” Or flip side, maybe they’re just dumb enough to think they can and will succeed because that’s a lot of what life is is just trying s***.

A: Yep, I agree. I completely agree. I think there’s a lot of opportunity and there’s going to be some downsides, as you said. But also, I do wonder if how we’ve all become so digital in the last year might help with that somewhat. Could you still join a tasting group that is now digital and meet with people and keep your game up? Could you still join a group of bartenders who are learning skills on Zoom or things like that? So that yes, it’s a bummer. But I also think when certain markets do emerge, other places will follow. Right? I think other people will follow. People will start realizing all of a sudden that Blacksburg is a great place for wine because if one person is having a lot of success, someone else is going to open another place. That’s just how it works. When a market realizes that Italian food is the hot thing, more Italian restaurants open. And I think the same thing is true for this. It’s just people taking the leap. And I do think it’s really, really interesting to think about there being more people doing that in the next few years, post-Covid. I really do.

Z: I think the other piece of this that we can’t know now totally but is going to be interesting, is to what extent does the broader population say, “Maybe I don’t want to live in New York City?” I mean, we’ve talked about whether this whole “New York dying thing” is a myth or not. And obviously, New York is not dying. But I do think that there are some real questions as to whether, as maybe more work goes fully digital, as people reconsider what their priorities are, we may just see a little bit of a migration away from really big cities with crazy-expensive costs of living. And that might help foster some of this movement within the service sector. Because obviously, to some extent, the service sector is always going to follow people and the money. And if those kinds of people are moving — whether it’s to college towns or to just smaller communities or smaller cities — then yes, for sure, “tradespeople” will follow, too. And I think also, maybe something for us to talk about another time, I don’t think it’s going to fit into this conversation but makes it interesting for you and I and for everyone at VinePair to think about: How do you cover an industry that is maybe a little bit more dispersed? And I think we’ve always done a really good job of highlighting bars, restaurants, wine programs, etc. all over the country. But it is true that the more decentralized it becomes, the more kind of like, “Oh, how do we grapple with an industry where maybe the greatest wine bar in the country is actually in the 143rd largest community in the country? Like, that’s certainly possible, and that would be cool. But it also puts an additional kind of onus on us, which I mean, I’m interested in, but is kind of different than in an era when the only things that people seem to care about in wine were happening in five cities.

A: Yeah, I agree. I mean, look, I’d encourage people who are listening, if you have thought about it there’s definitely people who love wine, cocktails, great beer all over the country. And I think now more than ever, there’s a lot less risk to doing it. So, yeah, if you are thinking about it, drop us a line. Let us know if you’ve done it. I’d love to hear those stories, too. If you’re a listener and you’ve opened a cocktail bar, wine bar, craft beer bar, whatever in a smaller market, we would love to hear from you. I think it’d be cool to interview you for “Next Round” etc. and let other people hear what you’re up to. Because I think, again, like I said earlier, there’s going to be some really, really, really exciting things that happen and a lot more possibilities than they’re used to be.

Z: Yeah, for sure.

A: Zach, this has been great, as always. For everyone listening, drop us a note at [email protected]. Let us know what you think about the show. Leave us a review wherever you get your podcasts. Five stars please, and we’ll see you next week.

Z: Sounds great.

Thanks so much for listening to the VinePair Podcast. If you enjoy listening to us every week, please leave us a review or rating on iTunes, Spotify, or wherever it is that you get your podcasts. It really helps everyone else discover the show. Now for the credits. VinePair is produced by myself and Zach Geballe. It is also mixed and edited by him. Yeah, Zach, we know you do a lot. I’d also like to thank the entire VinePair team, including my co-founder, Josh, and our associate editor, Cat. Thanks so much for listening. See you next week.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity.

The article VinePair Podcast: Can Small Towns Save Sommeliers and Bartenders? appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/small-towns-sommeliers-bartenders/

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johnboothus · 4 years

Text

VinePair Podcast: Can Small Towns Save Sommeliers and Bartenders?

Listen Online

Listen on Apple Podcasts

Listen on Spotify

Or Check out the conversation here

Adam: From Brooklyn, New York, I’m Adam Teeter.

Zach: And in Seattle, Washington, I’m Zach Geballe.

A: Yeah.

Z: But really, I think the two things beyond that that I’ve been missing, definitely gonna have some sparkling wine of some sort. Knowing me, probably Champagne.

A: Yeah.

Z: Oh, really?

Z: Why not?

Z: We’ve had Felipe on the podcast, too. You only hang out with people who have already been on the podcast.

A: Oh, right. Yes. If you wanna be my friend, come on the podcast.

Z: Except me, right?

A: Yeah. You’re not my friend. No, Zach. You’re my friend. Come on. I don’t want to get that message to people.

Z: I know. I know.

Z: Yeah, I don’t know.

A: It’s not easy. It’s not easy. I’m just ready for a crowded, warm bar in the winter. That’s always a fun time.

A: Yeah. And the only thing that sucks about that, right?

Z: Is the smell?

A: If you go to a really crowded bar, your jacket always winds up on the floor.

Z: Yeah.

A: It always winds up on the floor in a crowded bar when it’s that warm inside and the floor is sticky and you’re like, “Oh man, now my nice winter coat is on the floor of this bar.”

Z: I’m guessing. I’m guessing it’s — I don’t know. You tell me.

A: $5,000.

Z: Wow.

Z: Yeah, of course.

Z: Yeah, absolutely.

Z: Yeah, for sure.

Z: Sounds great.

Ed. note: This episode has been edited for length and clarity.

The article VinePair Podcast: Can Small Towns Save Sommeliers and Bartenders? appeared first on VinePair.

Via https://vinepair.com/articles/small-towns-sommeliers-bartenders/

source https://vinology1.weebly.com/blog/vinepair-podcast-can-small-towns-save-sommeliers-and-bartenders

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hellcheer-munson · 7 years

Text

Protect Them - Part 4 (Wren) (FINAL PART) - a Newt/Tina fic

Tagging: @pinkdiamonddolphin

Here it is – the final chapter of “Protect Them”!

Set in September 1946.

Phoenix – 22nd June 1931 – 15 (5th Year at Hogwarts) Linnet – 13th January 1933 – 13 (3rd Year at Hogwarts) Leo – 3rd March 1935 – 11 (1st Year at Hogwarts) Wren – 5th May 1941 – 5

(Kowalski children:)

Tobias “Toby” – 15th October 1929 – 16 (nearly 17) (6th Year at Hogwarts) Daisy – 7th April 1931 – 15 and a half (5th Year at Hogwarts) Abel and Ruth (twins) – 20th November 1933 – 12 (nearly 13) (2nd Year at Hogwarts) Elijah “Eli” – 28th January 1939 – 7 (nearly 8) Lucy – 8th September 1941 – 5 Penny – 17th January 1943 – 3 (nearly 4)

(A/N: Penny is a child that Jacob and Queenie adopted – she’s got red hair and blue eyes, so that’s a heads-up!)

It hadn’t escaped Newt’s notice that his youngest daughter was extremely bored; with Leo now starting his first year at Hogwarts, it left Wren the only child still in the house. She had looked miserable when they had waved the others off on Platform Nine-and-Three-Quarters on the first of the month, tightly clutching Tina’s hand and voicing her wish to go to Hogwarts too; it would still be another six years until she was old enough, much to her disappointment.

At first, he had thought that perhaps allowing her to do more in the case would appease or at least distract her; for a short time she had looked cheered up by feeding the Mooncalves and Bowtruckles, but then a week passed and she returned to looking sullen. It was slightly off-putting, to the say the least, as she was usually so much brighter and alive.

Tina had seemed equally worried by their daughter’s melancholy behaviour. “Queenie suggested getting her a pet, but I don’t see how that will help…besides, there are enough creatures in this house as it is.”

“She’s not even enjoying being around the creatures anymore,” Newt sighed, shaking his head. “She really misses Leo…before, she could play with him, but now…”

There was a wet and rainy day a week later; while Tina had braved the storm to go to work, Newt had resigned himself to his case with Wren to check on his creatures. His daughter watched sadly as he tended to each of them, feeding them and making sure that they were content; she didn’t move when he gestured for her to come and help him, and so he ended up dropping the idea with sinking shoulders.

By the time all of the creatures were dealt with, it was lunchtime; Newt helped the five-year-old out of the case, making sure she didn’t slip on the steps, and then set about making some food for the two of them. Wren ate silently, keeping her eyes focused on her plate; it was slightly unnerving, if he was honest, for usually she was so bubbly and talkative.

She raised her eyes to meet his own, chewing slowly. “Don’t feel like talking…and what does ‘un-nerving’ mean?”

“Nothing,” Newt said quickly, forcing himself to smile. “I just miss your talking, that’s all.”

She watched out the window of the front as he cleaned up, chin on her hand as she studied the rain drops rolling down the window; she didn’t look his way when he entered the room or when he sat next to her on the sofa where she was kneeling.

“I like rain,” She announced thoughtfully. “It sounds pretty…but I don’t like it because it means that I can’t go and play. Is that strange, Daddy?”

“No, I don’t think so,” He assured her. “Well, I’ve done my jobs for the day – I shouldn’t need to feed the creatures until this evening now. Perhaps…Is there anything that you’d like to do?”

Wren shrugged. “Not really. I just want to play.”

Thankfully, Queenie decided to visit that day; she and the children were kept dry with a spell, and she beamed at him when she entered the house.

“Awful day, isn’t it?” She stated before pausing. “Is now a bad time?”

“Actually now is the perfect time,” He answered honestly. “I think Wren needs a playmate.”

“Missing her brothers and sister,” Queenie agreed, nodding in understanding. “Yeah, it’s no fun…Eli’s been all sad ‘cause he wants to go too; the girls ain’t as bad, but Eli knows and it’s getting him down.”

It didn’t take long for Wren’s spirits to lift when she and Eli started playing together; soon they were both laughing and giggling as they chased each other around the house, clearly happy. Lucy and Penny trailed behind, not quite able to keep up but having fun all the same. In the meantime, Newt made Queenie some coffee (she still thought that British coffee was worse, but she accepted it anyway) and himself a much-needed cup of tea before they sat down in the kitchen.

“I can’t believe Teen’s gone in today,” The blonde muttered, shaking her head in disbelief. “She’ll be stuck on deskwork – there ain’t no way they’re doing raids in this weather.”

“I know, but she insisted,” Newt said rather fondly; he wouldn’t have expected anything less from his wife. “How have things been with you?”

Queenie smiled. “We’re doing just fine; Jacob always misses the kids when they go back to school, misses having them visit the bakery…he’s gonna make some pastries to send up to the school soon, so that the kids don’t get too homesick… Not that Toby’s really a kid anymore.” Here she frowned, somewhat sadly. “He’s gonna be seventeen in October, you know.”

“He has grown rather fast,” He agreed, and he found himself thinking of his own children. “Phoenix is fifteen now; sometimes I forget how old he really is, and I’m surprised when he comes home for the holidays so tall...and Linnet isn’t a little girl anymore either.”

“I’m gonna be crying for weeks when Eli and Lucy both go off to school,” His sister-in-law remarked, and he didn’t doubt it. “I’m gonna miss having kids in the house. Me and Jacob, we keep thinking about adopting again…it would give Penny a brother or sister to grow up with, you know? A brother or sister who’s a No-Maj like her…and yes, I know you Brits call them muggles,” She added, rolling her eyes at his thoughts. “But No-Maj is a better term.”

Newt merely shook his head with a small grin, deciding it was best not to comment on cultural differences as he lifted his mug.

By the time four o’clock had rolled around, both Lucy and Penny were absolutely shattered; the younger of the girls had fallen asleep on Queenie’s lap in the kitchen, and her older sister didn’t look far behind as she rubbed her eyes.

“I should probably get them home,” Queenie mused fondly, running a hand through Penny’s red curls; her daughter stirred but didn’t wake. “I wonder where Eli got off to.”

“Here, I’ll go and fetch him,” Newt told her, standing up; she looked rather weighed down with two small girls leaning on her, unable to stand up just yet.

She smiled gratefully. “Thank you, honey.”

As it soon transpired, Eli and Wren were still playing together in the front room – and they’d made quite the mess of the furniture and cushions, much to his dismay: Tina was going to kill him if she knew he’d let the children destroy the front room.

“Alright, I think that’s enough fun for today,” He announced hurriedly. “Eli, I think your moth-”

“DADDY!” Wren was calling to him, beaming and giggling. “Catch me, Daddy! Catch me!”

Newt looked over at her – and his heart froze in his chest; she was standing on a chair, her short dark hair ruffled and sticking out in all directions. Suddenly he found himself thinking of an eerily similar image: it wasn’t Wren standing on a chair, but Tina, and he was no longer in the front room – he was in that bland white death cell, deep under the heart of MACUSA…and she was crying, terrified, thinking she was about to die…he had to catch her, and if he didn’t then it would be his fault-

“Daddy?” Wren was no longer smiling, looking confused. Eli had now stopped playing too, looking over with wide eyes. “What’s wrong? Why are you thinking about Mummy crying?”

“I’ll catch you,” He had told her, though he had been just as scared as she had. “I’ve got you, Tina.” And he had caught her, he forced himself to remember; he had caught her and held her close, and she was still very much alive…Tina was fine, she was absolutely fine, he didn’t need to panic…

Another image assaulted his mind quite suddenly: it was Wren standing on the chair in the Death Cells of MACUSA now, her face tear-stained and terrified as she pleaded for him to help her. The black potion was rising up around her, forming jaws ready to clamp down around her and burn her…she was screaming, he was supposed to protect her, she had trusted him…she was wailing and sobbing as the potion burnt her-

Wren clambered down from the chair and ran to him, tears in her eyes. “Daddy, stop! What’s wrong, Daddy?”

“I’ll get my Ma,” Eli decided, hurriedly leaving the room. “She’ll know what to do.”

“You’re scaring me, Daddy,” His daughter whimpered, clutching his arm; he hadn’t even realized he was shaking. “What’s that black stuff? Why are you thinking about it?”

“I’m fine,” Newt gasped, though he felt like he couldn’t breathe. “I’m fine.”

Wren frowned. “No, you’re not. You’re thinking about Mummy and you’re thinking about me, and I don’t like what you’re thinking; why was she on that chair?”

“She…” He could feel his chest start to tighten, and he cursed himself for losing composure over something so small; she’d just been standing on a chair, for Merlin’s sake, just playing and he’d lost his mind over it.

Tina’s fine…She’s fine, I caught her. Wren is fine, she’s right here. Stop it.

Queenie entered the room them, looking extremely worried as she walked towards him. “Newt, honey, it’s okay,” He heard her say calmingly, her soft hands cupping his face. “It’s okay.”

“What’s wrong with him, Auntie Queenie?” Wren asked, taking a few steps back; she looked terrified.

“Your Pa’s okay,” Queenie soothed her, though her eyes didn’t leave Newt. “He just needs a minute.”

“I’m fine,” He managed, pulling away from her as he finally – finally – found the strength to move. “I’m fine, really.”

The blonde sent him a look. “You ain’t fine…sit down a minute, alright? I’ll get you some tea.”

“But…But you said-”

“I can stay until Teen comes home,” Queenie said firmly, and it was obvious that she wasn’t going to budge on the matter. “It ain’t gonna be much longer ‘til she gets home anyway – come on, sit down.”

Newt grudgingly let her force him down on the sofa, his hands twitching; Wren sat down, keeping a distance between them, and watched him with wary eyes. He knew that he had scared her, and he found himself feeling awash with guilt because of it; she was only five, and he had subjected her to those thoughts – he still had nightmares about that day, Tina did too, and the last thing he wanted would be for their daughter to have them too now because of him.

After a moment, Wren hesitantly moved closer to him; she took his hand slowly and gave it a squeeze in her own tiny one. “I’m okay, Daddy,” She murmured quietly. “And Mummy��s okay too.”

“Yes, I know,” He muttered, and he found himself inexplicably glad that she had taken his hand. “I know.”

Tina arrived home shortly after five, looking rather tired and somewhat damp from the weather outside; she was surprised when Queenie was the first one to greet her, eyes soft and face concerned. She quietly told her sister a rather basic outline of what had transpired that afternoon before adding that it would be best if she spoke to Newt – he would probably benefit more from talking to her, after all.

“Wren can come over for dinner at our place tonight,” Queenie said tactfully, giving her sister a knowing look. “Give you and Newt some time to…to sort things out. I’ll talk to her, don’t worry.”

Wren had seemed rather puzzled as to why she was suddenly having dinner with the Kowalskis but didn’t argue; in fact, she seemed rather pleased to be going to their house – especially when her aunt mentioned that there’d be strudel for dessert. She waved goodbye to her parents happily as she left with Queenie and the other children, her voice clear and excitable as she chattered down the path.

Once she had gone, Tina placed a hand on her husband’s arm and took a deep breath; she smile she had put on had faded. “Newt…”

“Can we talk about this in the case?” Newt asked quickly, not meeting her eye. “I’d feel far more comfortable if we talked about it down there.”

It was a reasonable request – and she had expected nothing less really. “Yes, of course.”

The artificial light in the case was already starting to set, perhaps reflecting the autumn outside in the real world, and the two made to sit down to watch it on the grass near the Occamy nest. Surrounded by the chirping and grazing of their creatures, Newt relaxed visibly and looked down at the floor in thought; she didn’t push him, waiting instead for him to feel ready to speak.

Finally, after a good few minutes, he inhaled deeply. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me today.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Tina muttered, and her hand was on his arm again. “It’s alright – just talk to me about it.”

He swallowed, shoulders drooping with defeat. “They were playing…Wren and Eli…Queenie, she wanted to get home so I said that I’d get Eli for her…I walked in and she was on a chair, just standing there and giggling – she saw me and asked me to…to catch her.” He closed his eyes. “She looks so much like you, Tina, that for a moment I forgot where I was…for a moment I was in that Death Cell with that death potion, and you were there panicking – you were about to die, and you needed me to catch you.”

“And you did catch me,” She reminded him softly. “You caught me and I’ve never forgotten it.”

“But what if I hadn’t?” Newt questioned, looking terrified by the prospect. “I used to have such awful dreams…what if Pickett hadn’t been in my pocket? Or if I hadn’t had the Swooping Evil in my sleeve?” He sighed heavily. “I know, it’s silly to dwell on the past… But there was a moment, Tina, where I looked at Wren and saw you instead – and then it was her. She was the one standing on the chair, and she was petrified…she was screaming for help…”

“That won’t be her,” His wife said firmly, though her face was nothing but understanding. “She’ll never be in that Death Cell, never.”

He looked away, down at his hands. “I know, I know, I’m being rather silly…but sometimes I wonder, Tina, if perhaps…perhaps I can’t protect her. She expects me to protect her, expects me to know what to do if things go wrong – I’m her father – but what if I can’t?”

Tina was silent for a moment, considering his words; when she spoke, her voice was quiet. “We won’t be able to protect them forever; children get hurt sometimes, and there’s nothing we can do about it.” She paused, shoulders drooping somewhat. “You’re not the only one who worries about her, Newt. She’s so much like Queenie – she has her spirit, and she’s so bubbly and bright… I know that she looks nothing like her, but sometimes I look at Wren and remember Queenie. I remember how I did my best to look after her, did my best to make sure that she was protected and safe…the world isn’t kind to orphans.”

Newt was stunned by this admission, but his mind was starting to understand just what she was talking about: somehow, they had managed to start and raise a family through two wars, wizarding and muggle, manging further to keep their family intact. However, there had always been the threat looming of what might happen to the children should anything happen to himself or Tina – neither of their occupations were risk-free by any stretch of the imagination, and the thought made a chill run down his spine.

“I used to look at her when she was a baby,” His wife continued carefully. “I used to look at her and wonder what would happen to her – to all of them – if either or both of us were hurt…or worse.”

“They’d have Queenie and Jacob,” He stated without hesitating – he was certain that this would be the case. “You and I both know that they’d make room for the children if need be, even with their own brood to concern themselves with.”

They both knew that this was the truth; Jacob and Queenie would never allow their nephews and nieces to suffer, would never let them starve or freeze – they would take in the Scamander children within a heartbeat, if the need did occur. It offered some slight comfort – not a great deal, but some.

After a few minutes of sitting side-by-side silently, Tina’s hand sought his own; Newt linked their fingers together, pressing their palms close. “We can’t protect them from everything,” He heard her tell him softly. “But I can promise you right now, Newt, that she won’t ever be in that awful Death Cell.”

“No,” He admitted, feeling more foolish than ever now. “I know…it’s not even here, it’s in America. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” She muttered, and she was resting her head on his shoulder. “We’ve both got our fair share of scars…not all of them are physical, but they’re still there.” She inhaled deeply, eyes gazing at the Fwooper nearby as it shook out its wings and shrieked. “We can’t pretend that dreadful things won’t happen…the world can be a terrible place. But we can make sure she knows she’s not alone in it – that none of them are alone; they’ve got us, and Jacob and Queenie, and each other to help them.”

Newt released the breath he hadn’t known he’d been holding as he leaned into her. “Of course. Absolutely.” He hesitated for a few seconds, debating whether he needed to say it. “Thank you, Tina… If ever there’s been someone to put some sense into me, it’s you.”

“It goes both ways,” Tina murmured, squeezing his hand. “They’ll be okay: all four of them will. There’s no point in worrying – as you’d say, it only means you suffer twice.”

He couldn’t help the weak half-smile that turned his lips upwards; even now, he found himself thinking about how he really had gotten so incredibly, unbelievably lucky in marrying her.

It was just before midnight when the half-shut door slowly creaked to open all of the way; both Newt and Tina, sitting in the dim light of a lamp, both turned their gazes to see who or what had caused the door to open. To their surprise, Wren was standing in the doorway, looking rather unsure and cautious.

“You’re supposed to be in bed,” Tina muttered, though she wasn’t angry; their daughter had been exhausted upon returning from Jacob and Queenie’s that evening, and she had immediately gone straight to bed.

“I know,” Wren said quietly, tugging at the tie on her dressing gown – pink and a birthday gift from Queenie – as she lowered her head. “I…I couldn’t sleep. I could hear you talking…hear you thinking, and I wanted to ask you – both of you – about something, but…but I didn’t want to upset you.”

Newt frowned thoughtfully. “I don’t think you’d upset us in any way… Come on, come and sit with us, and we’ll see if we can answer whatever’s on your mind.”

Their daughter clambered up onto the bed to sit between them; she was silent for a short time, avoiding their gazes as she tried to decide on how best to voice her feelings. She knew that they wouldn’t be angry, but all the same…

“This afternoon,” She started uncertainly, struggling to find the words to express how she was feeling. “You were thinking about some stuff, Daddy; about Mummy, and this chair, and this black stuff.”

Newt was silent for a moment, shoulders sinking ever so slightly. “Yes, I was thinking about that. I’m sorry that you had to see something like that.”

“It was scary,” She muttered quietly. “You were scared, Daddy, when you thought about Mummy…I didn’t like it.” She paused, now looking to her mother worriedly. “You were crying, Mummy…you were going to be hurt. You…You were in trouble…the black stuff…”

She was starting to look rather distraught now, both by the conversation and by the thoughts she was talking about; Tina found herself wrapping an arm around Wren’s shoulders, holding her tight to herself. This conversation was bringing up frightening memories, but she knew she had to keep them away from her daughter – the last thing they needed was to upset her more. “Wren…”

“It was real, wasn’t it?” The five-year-old asked tearfully, though she already knew it was true. “It wasn’t a…a bad dream like the one I had about the monsters…it really happened.”

There was no point in lying: their daughter would know immediately. “Yes, that’s true,” Newt admitted. “It did happen, I’m afraid.”

“You nearly died, Mummy,” Wren sniffled, absolutely horrified as her fingers started to cling to her mother’s pyjama shirt. “You really nearly died!”

“Yes – but I didn’t die,” Tina reassured her hurriedly, giving her a tight squeeze. “I’m right here, remember? I’m still very much alive because your Daddy saved me; he caught me when I jumped, and I’m alive.”

“And it was a very long time ago,” Newt added, placing a hand on their daughter’s back; she raised her eyes to look at him. “It was before your mother and I even got married – long before you children were born, at any rate.”

For a moment their daughter just frowned, clearly still very unsure. “If it’s okay now, then why are you still thinking about it? It was years ago, so…so why did you think about it?”

“Well…” The Magizoologist hesitated: how to describe the idea of trauma to a five-year-old? “The thing is that sometimes, when awful things happen, it can be rather difficult to forget…they can stay in your mind for a very long time because they’re so strong.”

Wren was still looking somewhat confused, and so Tina cleared her throat to speak. “It’s like… You know how we went swimming at the beach last Summer?” Their daughter nodded. “And do you remember how you asked about the marks on me and Daddy?”

“They’re scars,” She recalled.

“Yeah, exactly. Well…it’s kinda like that,” Tina explained carefully. “Do you remember that we told you that they didn’t hurt anymore? They’ve healed, but they’ve left marks – scars – that can sometimes bother us.”

“Uh-huh,” Wren agreed, her eyebrows furrowing a tad. “So…do you have scars from that black stuff too?”

Her mother hesitated. “Not exactly. Sometimes things that hurt us don’t leave actual scars, not ones that you can see – sometimes bad stuff, like memories or events, can still leave something behind that hurts, even if you can’t see it. Does that make sense?”

“I think so,” The five-year-old said slowly. “It hurts but not on the outside – it’s on the inside…like when you’re angry or upset or scared?”

“Yes, exactly,” Newt acknowledged. “That’s why some memories are more painful than others – in fact, I’m sure you could say that certain memories are just like scars.” He paused before continuing, and when he spoke again he was quieter. “However, it doesn’t mean that they ruin things forever – not at all. You learn to accept it and it becomes less painful, and when it does then you go on with life.”

Wren started to nod, mind working hard to keep up – even being able to read his mind, she was struggling somewhat. “I think I understand. It was a scary thing that happened, so it’s something that hurts…but it hurt less after a while, and now you and Mummy are happy?”

“We’re very happy,” Tina assured her, and she was smiling softly. “As much as all of the bad experiences hurt, it’s nothing compared to the good things.”

The little girl suddenly started to beam as she caught a glimpse of the memories her mother was referring to. “You and Daddy getting married, and…and us being born! Those are nice!”

“Those are all wonderful things,” Newt agreed fondly, and he knew that she was looking through his thoughts too. “We wouldn’t trade those for anything in the world…you see, I think you’ll find, Wren, that the good in this world really does outweigh the bad.”

It was clear that she was relieved; sifting through her father’s thoughts, she could see that he was telling the truth. Knowing – not just hoping, but knowing – that the happy memories of family and love were far greater and stronger than any misfortune they had faced made her feel calmer. She found herself relaxing between them, finally feeling comforted.

With all of this in mind, Wren gave a small yawn and started to blink tiredly. “I don’t wanna go back to bed,” She confessed, somewhat sheepishly. “Can I…just for one night…stay with you?”

Her parents only had to share a look – the answer was immediately obvious.

“Alright,” Tina acquiesced, shuffling to make some room between herself and her husband. “Just for tonight.”

Once the lights were dimmed and all three of them were settled underneath the duvet comfortably, two small hands reached out, one for her mother’s own hand and one for her father’s. There was a silence in the air as she registered their ease, their love and affection for her, and she found herself feeling completely content as she closed her eyes.

It took just a few minutes before she had drifted off into a peaceful sleep; in the dark, Tina was sending her husband a rather tired smile. “See? She’ll be fine - she’s got us, no matter what happens.”

Newt couldn’t help but grin back at her before looking down at their daughter, nestled between them; she was curled towards him, her small fist barely touching his chest. “Yes…and we’ve got each other too.”

Urgh, sorry for the delay but my depression and stuff got a bit severe and shit happened so… :/ I was hoping to finish it sooner so that I could start a new fic but it looks like I won’t be posting anything until next week now because on Saturday night I’m going to take my dad to see Covenant, and then all-day Sunday I’m at Comic-Con.

But, yeah, I hope that you all enjoyed this or, you know, enjoyed it somewhat at least! Feedback, as always, is love!

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demon-vs-angel · 8 years

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Monday January 23, 2017 2:18 AM

Hey there world.

So I skipped my blog post last Thursday in case you didn't notice which probably no one did. I had been working a lot writing posts for our other site so when I was done the last thing I wanted to do was write more. I put it off until Thursday night and by the time I got to it I was way more than a little tipsy and I tried writing something worth reading and it was absolute shit.

I started my diet again on the 9th to lose some weight. I was at around 137 after the holidays which was ten pounds more than when we got married a year and a half ago. Along with a calorie deficit I was going to just give up alcohol. I had drunken a fair amount around the holidays, especially when hanging out with my in-laws which is super stressful and anxiety causing for me. Even when I wasn't doing anything with them and I was just hanging out at home I wanted to drink because I was still stressed out about things that had happened or while thinking about things that might happen in the future.

I didn't even last a week. I think at some point in the middle of that first week back on my diet I drank again. I factored it into my calories for the week and didn't skip any of my workouts to drink or because I was hung over but I wasn't crazy about having let myself down.

So I started a new standard that I discussed with my husband and he thought it was a good idea. Basically, I would eat about 100 calories less than my goal each day and then on the weekend to celebrate or have fun with him I would have around 600 calories I could eat or drink.

I didn't even last a week. When he went to his small group on Tuesday the 17th I drank and filmed some videos on my phone that no one will probably ever see. I don't know why but drinking when I am home alone and can kind of just do my own thing is a lot of fun for me. I actually planned on writing my post for Thursday on that day and I did not do that obviously.

On top of this, on Friday it was raining a whole lot and my brother in law called my husband and asked if we wanted to go hiking in the mountains with him and his gf. I had a bunch of work I wanted to get done but it doesn't normally rain out here so we decided to go. I don't know why but I thought we were going to be able to get to the mountain (which is about 50 min drive away) before it got dark even though my husband said it would be. I thought it would just be dusk which is one of my favorite times to hike so I was actually pretty excited. Well we got stuck in traffic and I started getting pissed cause I realized it would be pitch black and I no longer wanted to go at all.

Not to mention that my brother in law called again and said he was going to be like two hours late. I don't know why this even bothers me anymore, he is literally ALWAYS late. Like, every single time we plan something. At this point I was so over it and really didn't want to go because we went way out of our way to accommodate their schedule and then they are gonna pull this shit?

So me and my husband decided to go to Pizza Hut and get some dinner to kill time and I said I wished I had drunken before we left and he said we could fix that. We went to a liquor store and got a bottle of wine, picked up the pizza, and then headed to his parents' house to wait for his brother cause his parents live about 15 minutes away from where we were going to be going hiking.

When we got to their house we drank the entire bottle of wine while eating the pizza. His mom also suggested we make margaritas because she was going to make one for his dad later the celebrate inauguration of Trump. I think I ended up drinking two margaritas with only about a shot in each but that plus the wine got me pretty buzzed.

I was actually trying to drink as much as possible because I reeeeeaally didn't want to go on the hike at night. I have hiked at night in the rain a lot growing up in Oregon and I just didn't want to. I tried to get everyone to want to go the next day since it was Saturday but no one wanted to but me. I was miserable.

Over the last entire week I have also been pretty depressed which is pretty normal for me the week before I get my period (which I got yesterday) but it always makes me feel really bad about myself and life. I also cut again a few days ago for the first time in months. So on Friday night, on a hike I really didn't want to go, I was very buzzed and very uninterested in life.

We were looking for this waterfall that we had hiked to a couple other times but we missed the turn off on the trail for it so we ended up walking about two miles all the way up, all the way back down, and all the way up again before we found it.

Along the way I grabbed a rock, carried it in the pocket of my hoodie and scrapped it across my wrists while we walked while chanting in my mind “you're stupid, you're worthless, you're an idiot.”

The hike wasn't that bad actually just because I was numb to my own suffering from the alcohol and we did end up finding the waterfall. It was actually really gorgeous because there was tons of water from the rain and there were mountains all around us that had snow that looked really cool. We sat by the waterfall for a while before hiking back and then driving back to my in law's house where we had left our car.

When we got back to their house I grabbed my change out of our car and me and my husband headed inside so I could change cause I was soaked from the rain while my brother in law and his gf stayed in his truck outside.

I finished changing and then my husband came in the bathroom and we were just drying off and stuff and then his brother, after having not even come inside to say his to his dad who had not been home when we stopped by earlier or hang out at all, yelled from the front door that he and his gf were going home and for us to have a good night.

Literally every time we have gotten together, just the four of us or the whole family, they leave early and will never stay later. Earlier on in the night his gf had even suggested we hit the town later after the hike and now they leave without even coming in? I was so fucking done. I didn't even say good night or yell out “bye.” If they can't bother themselves then neither will I. I had already put a ton of work into a hike I did not want to go on for the good of the group and that is how they repay my politeness? Fuck that.

My husband went out and said bye to them, I finished drying off.

Then we made two more margaritas. I was pretty buzzed all night. My husband can drink like 5 times I can of liquor so he felt fine to drive home about 2 hours later.

We got home, changed, went to bed.

Last night (Saturday) I went and got groceries and I also got spiced rum and stuff to make pina coladas. I figured my diet was already screwed from the day before and I wanted to have fun with my husband. When I got home he wanted to clean the garage so I ended up basically drinking alone. I made us tacos for dinner which we ate together and then he got back to work and I went upstairs to go on my computer in our warm office.

I made two pina coladas with about a shot of rum in each and then took at least three single shots. I still felt really bad emotionally from the previous night and was kind of lonely and really wanted to cut again.

So, I showed and after the shower I cut again. It hurt and afterwards I kind of regretted it because it is such a pain dealing with it afterwards but at the same time it felt really good.

Here is the really fun part. I didn't drink enough water while I drank last night so I had a bad hangover today plus the fact that the first full day of my period I always get really bad cramps so I have felt like complete shit almost all day and have just been laying down, dying, sleeping, etc.

Now, my brother in law's gf, lets call her Elle, cannot function without a drink. Every time we have hung out, when she is sober she hardly talks and is so awkward. Give her a drink and she opens up, talks, laughs, makes conversation, smiles, etc. It is literally like two different people. She has admitted that she gets tired of hanging around people and just wants to be alone at the end of the day, which I have totally felt, but I don't think she can even really socialize without a drink.

I like to have a drink, it makes it way easier to deal with people like my in laws that I have a really hard time dealing with so I get her. But I do not want to be her.

Alcohol is not the answer. Lately every time we have gone out with them or my parents in law, or if anyone stops by our house without warning, I take a drink... or three.

I really hate people a lot of times. I have a lot of anxiety that plagues almost my every second.

Alcohol is becoming a crutch for me to be able to function socially. The bad part though is that it also makes my self harm addiction harder to stay away from. It makes a temporary shield against the bad parts of social encounters but all the anxious thoughts are still there later and I am not developing ways to actually deal with them, I just keep running away. One of my absolute favorite, if not my number one, place to turn to when I am running is self harm and the alcohol just encourages it.

I refuse to be Elle. I think she is weak. I hate that she calls herself this great Christian and is a school counselor and yet, I believe, has an addiction to alcohol.

I cannot describe how weak I think she is. To not even be able to hang out with us, and we are pretty chill, without a drink. I hate it. I have hung out with them plenty of times sober to try and have fun It makes it feel like she really doesn't want to be with us. Not to mention as soon as she sobers up at the end of the night it is always mysteriously when she wants to go home. Everything about her seems fake right now because I don't think she has ever been 100 percent genuine with me because the only time she seems herself is when she is drinking and that is not real, I know, I do it to hide myself and yet fit in with other people better.

So, I have decided something. I am not going to drink for a whole month.

The only exception will be if my husband wants to on Valentines day but that will be it, and it will only be with him and lead by him to make sure I don't go overboard.

I am also committing to not cutting myself again. It is not worth the stress of trying to hide it and get it to heal and it does not actually solve anything long term.

While committing to these two things I am also going to actively work on my anxiety and worry workbook and actually try to move forward with my mental health like I am with my physical health.

Alcohol isn't the worse thing ever and I think I will always like drinking. But I never want to rely on it to survive a social situation, that is how problems start. I am starting to rely on it way too much. My in laws are also drinking more than they used to which is not helping me.

I am tired of hang overs, I am tired of being unable to function socially without it, and I am tired of the depression I am left with days later because of it.

I will keep notes on how my mental and physical health are progressing and hopefully over the coming weeks and months we will see a positive change!

I will continue to update at least once a week on what I am doing, what's working, how my addictions are, etc. and if this helps out anyone else then great :) Sorry if this is kinda long, I am too good at writing too many words :/

This is my war, I'm gonna fucking win it. Goodnight.

#selfharm #anxiety #cutting #recovery #addiction #selfharmmm

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