#and i hate that i neglect myself because i dont want to deal with these fucking clowns!

[aquarianconstellations]

I'm already stressed about the fact i NEED to get a doctor's appointment tomorrow why do they make it so hard i hate it i hate it i hate it

[wallterwall]

day 32

if you like my (cybrthrillz) content, please read this

tw for self harm and suicidal ideation

i want to take a break

this is not a victory or a win for anyone. if anything all of the harassment and relentless targeted hate has only made me even more motivated to make this little space ive created a more accepting place, and i will continue to be a voice of support for "weird and contradictory" queer identities because we all deserve to be happy and accepted

but, for a long time ive been putting myself in harms way, generally neglecting my own needs for the sake of other people, because i dont care about what happens to me as long as other people are happy and safe, and right now i dont think i can keep pushing myself like that anymore. im tired

i havent had a s/h problem since middle school but now those urges are resurfacing again when i thought id never have to deal with that again

i havent been able to relax or enjoy any of my time without having dreadful thoughts in the back of my mind

ill probably be changing things going forward too, or maybe things wont be changing at all. i dont know. i just know that i want to try and relax and watch those movies ive been meaning to watch and play more video games without feeling guilty that im not using my time for drawing.

the controversies have wounded me a lot but unfortunately regretevator is still my main hyperfixation so ill have trouble getting myself to draw anything else and i dont think i want to really avoid it. so ill still be drawing, but ill be drawing for myself without really worrying about posting schedules. ill still be active on discord, tumblr, instagram

im not going to kill myself today, nor am i going to in the future. because whether some people want to believe it or not, i know and my friends know that i always try my best to be a considerate and kind, overall good person. i know that i genuinely have positively impacted many people in life. i hope that ill be able to go back to regularly posting soon with a clearer state of mind because your support has genuinely improved my life both emotionally and financially, and i couldnt be more grateful.

but right now, its okay to be a little selfish for my sake. and i hope that you all can understand and be patient with me. thanks for stickin around

[loversj0y]

'tis the damn season

chapter one - we could call it even

its your first day back home from winter break, and the overwhelming extent of the holidays leads to some interesting rekindlings

'tis the damn season masterlist

pairing: cc!wilbur soot x gn!reader

fluff and angst (quite a lot of angst in fact)

trigger warnings: reader's mother is abusive (not physically) and father is emotionally absent. this will be talked about in extensive detail. alcohol, some suggestive themes, and a lot of anxiety.

author's note: WELCOME! to the very first installment of a multichaptered fic inspired by taylor swift's tis the damn season! this work has been in progress for about. 4 months now so !! yipee!!! hope u enjoy (chapter two should be out sometime within the next week; i wont make the wait too long between chapters) dont like tumblr formatting? ao3 version is available here!

word count: 6.3k

If you had to be honest, you despised the holidays. It was always stressful, no matter how prepared you tried to be. But regardless, being in your final year of Uni, it was pretty nice to get a final winter break before graduation. The idea of staying with your parents wasn’t ideal. They’d spent years neglecting you and taking a toll on you emotionally, but in the time you’d been gone, it had seemed like things had improved. You agreed to go home for the holidays under this idea, hoping to have a nice break from everything, despite the heavy feeling in your chest that came from being in your hometown – that you’d proudly left behind – and the general dread of the holidays.

Wilbur wasn’t exactly the opposite. While he didn’t mind the holidays themselves, he hated the social conventions of it all. Particularly the insistence that you must be with family or else the holiday isn’t worth anything. However, Wilbur seemed to luck out this year. His mother and stepfather happened to book a cruise for the holidays, and all they wanted from him was to watch the house while they were gone. It gave him both the convention of helping out family without dealing with the mental decline that he gets from actually being around them, mostly his stepfather. So, he’d spend a month in his old bedroom, in the town he dreaded because the number of good memories he’d had all involved one person that left not long before he did.

When you’d finally arrived, it wasn’t long before your parents were hugging you and peppering kisses on your face, talking about how much they’d missed you, and asking if you were eating alright. It was loving, and you did appreciate it, but you felt uneasy. As your mother hugged you, it felt unfulfilling as you looked around the room, each familiar surrounding bringing up memories of your mother’s yelling. You’d settled down fairly easily, which tended to be a perk of returning to your childhood bedroom. After changing into something much more comfortable, you’d returned to where it seemed your family members had accumulated.

“Y/n, darling, my goodness, you’ve grown so much since I’ve last seen you! What are they feeding you out there in London?” It was your aunt who spoke to you. She was tame enough, save for when she got her hands on enough cosmopolitans to feel the need to share everyone’s gossip. 

“It’s nice to see you too. And I cook for myself, in case you were wondering.” You deadpanned. Honestly, you just didn't feel like humoring her advances to pull information out of you. You’d fallen for them as a kid, but now, even with little to hide, you couldn’t quite trust her. 

“Of course, you are, my genius. How’s the dating scene been?” 

You rolled your eyes at the nickname, brushing it off, “Boring as ever.” 

She hummed, taking a sip of her drink.  Ah, looks like she may already be ready to gossip, you thought, noticing the soft flush on her cheeks consistent with her drunkness. Your suspicions were confirmed when she continued, “You know, your mum told me she saw that old fling of yours at the shops the other day. What was his name?” She hummed for a moment, “Wilbur! That’s what it is.” 

Your chest turned to stone in a matter of seconds, and you forced out a response, “Oh, cool.” 

It was not “oh, cool” however, it was very much not cool. You and Wilbur had been friends since the third form, and while you weren’t incredibly close at first, you became much closer as time went on and as social circles grew smaller and smaller.  It came to the point where you two were inseparable, the best friend you’d had even until now. Your “fling” couldn't even really be classified as such. Despite how much you loved Wilbur Soot, you and him just never seemed to break that barrier, save for one weekend in your final year of A-levels. You’d planned to go to prom together, neither of you being romantically involved with anyone else, but you never actually made it to prom. You both went and sat in a field outside the back of the school, sharing a bottle of vodka he’d lifted from his stepdad’s stash. It was then that he’d opened up to you about how embarrassed he felt to be leaving school without having ever kissed a girl before. The mixture of his vodka and your love for him ultimately amounted to a few sloppy kisses, a moment’s worth of making out, before the two of you both had to run from a counselor who was looking for any delinquent students. Neither of you ever addressed it again. 

The years you two had known each other eventually culminated in the same relationship that you had with most people these days: you leaving him and losing contact. You didn’t mean to leave him behind, but between a full scholarship in London and his insistence on how shitty London is, you had to leave. 

You thought about him frequently. There were numerous nights where you’d open up his contact and attempt to draft a message, but it always ended in watching the cursor blink as you struggled to find the words. Honestly, you never thought you’d see him again. You knew nothing about him anymore, what he was like, what he was doing. It was impossible to decide if you dreaded seeing him or would go out of your way to attempt to see him. 

After catching up with your family for a bit longer, you decided to step out. Honestly, you didn’t know where you were going. It was late, almost midnight, and you just needed the fresh air. After walking into town, you found the one thing that would realistically be open this time of night: the pub. It was mostly empty, save for a few older folks sitting in some booths around the wall. You recognized the bartender, he was a few years above you back in school, but he always made an effort to be kind to everyone. He grinned at you once you sat at the bar. 

“Well, if it isn’t Y/N L/N. Shit, I would’ve thought you died," he chuckled, "You visiting for the holidays?” 

“Yep. And trust me, I’d quite rather be dead than be around my whole family all day.” 

He laughed, “Let me guess, a martini for the sophisticated Londoner?” 

You laughed back, “God, no, I haven’t exactly been converted over yet. Just a pint.”

“Still the same as before?” 

“Mmhm,” you nodded out, sighing softly. Being here felt a lot less tense than being at home. At least here you didn’t have to deal with the hushed fights and curses whispered between spouses. 

Wilbur had been incredibly excited by the idea of being alone when he first arrived at his old house a week before. It wasn’t long before it got old. 

“Alright, chat, who should we raid?” 

His chat moved rapidly in response to his words. He’d been playing Minecraft with Tommy, not unlike usual, but he’d been live for an hour and a half, which was a long time to hold up a persona for. Once he’d ended, he stayed on call with Tommy through Discord. 

“I dunno, man. I like being alone, like having the place to myself, but I’ve never felt so lonely,” Wilbur paused, “This place is way bigger than I remember.”

“So go somewhere,” Tommy offered.

Wilbur groaned, “You do understand that there is nothing to do here. It’s part of the reason I settled on Brighton.”

“Oh, c’mon, there’s gotta be something there for you to do. Don’t you have at least, like, a park or a pub maybe? You could go meet women!” 

“Tommy, I know every woman in this town, nobody has moved here or left here since I left,” he sighed, “we do have a pub though. Honestly, that’s not a bad idea. I could go for a drink.” 

“See! Just gotta think outside the box. Have a little optimism, man. Maybe you’ll see that person you knew in school.” 

“Tommy, don’t.” Wilbur genuinely considered leaving the call, his heart sinking at the mention of his old friend, “They haven’t been back since they left, alright?” 

“Yeah, but you never know! Have you thought about what you’d say to them if you did see them?” 

“No,” he groaned, “I don’t know why I’m humoring this, but if I saw them, I’d probably be nice. As much as it hurts, I miss them, and it’s not like I reached out much either, so.” 

Tommy hummed, “Wilbur the Wise, you are. At least maybe if you do see them, you’ll be much less bored.” 

“Yeah, I suppose,” Wilbur sighed, pulling an old beanie on. “Alright, I’m going to head out, talk to you later, man.” 

“Have fun!” 

Wilbur hung up the call after a moment, sighing a bit as he stretched. While he didn’t actually want to go to the pub, it was a better idea than staying in another night. Plus, at least he could get to walk his old path and try and see some of the cats he always used to stop for. 

His walk did end up taking quite a while. He only spotted two cats on the way, but he’d given them as much attention and love as they’d allow. But that wasn’t really what took up so much of his time. He kept going back to what Tommy had asked. Honestly, he did not even consider he’d see you here. For a long time  after you’d left for school, he thought that one day he’d see you walking to the shops and he’d go up to you, and just by saying hello, everything would feel like it used to. After a while, he’d lost hope that he’d ever see you again. He’d tried to find you online, some scrap to see how you had been and to see if you were okay, but he knew he couldn’t exactly just follow you without the risk of questions. He cursed himself for a long while over his pettiness in never reaching out. He thought about that prom night often. Part of him couldn’t make peace with the idea that his best friend, someone who he’d fallen in love with the second they’d spoken to him, was now just a stranger to him. It didn’t make sense to him, but  what made even less sense was when Wilbur opened the door to the pub to find you sitting alone at the bar. 

Wilbur’s breathing went full stop when he saw you. He couldn’t feel his fingers, but whether that was from the cold or the shock he felt seeing you, he couldn’t tell. Once he could feel his body again, he felt his heart pounding in his chest. He’d have to make a choice right now, and he’d have to make one he wouldn’t eventually regret, but-

“Wilbur! Mate, close the door, would you, you’re lettin' in a draft!” 

You felt frozen in your seat when you heard the bartender– whose name, you were kindly reminded, was Liam– yell to Wilbur. You didn’t know if you wanted to look up at him or look anywhere but him. Eventually, curiosity got the best of you, and you looked up directly into his eyes as he stood in the doorway. He seemed to come back to life after a second, turning to walk towards the bar. 

“Uh, right, sorry, man. Could I get a pint?” 

He sat across the corner of the bar, close but still seemingly holding you at a distance. 

After Liam walked away, he turned back to you, and for a moment, you both stared, trying to find words. He’d grown quite fit since the last time you’d seen him. He was still  tall, but not quite as lanky. His shoulders have filled out nicely.  

You decided to start, stuttering a bit as you began, “Hi, Wilbur.”

He seemed to think for a moment before the look faded from his face and something kinder replaced it, “Hi.” 

“How- um,” you contemplated even asking, but you’d rather ask than be sitting here in awkward silence with the boy you’ve loved for years, “How have you been?” 

“I’ve been…” He took in a breath, a moment to compose himself, before responding, “I’ve been good, actually. How about you?” 

You considered lying. “I’m okay, could be better but…”

“But?” 

“Well, I’m still doing the whole uni thing, so still just living in London. Not many developments.” 

“Right. How is London?” 

You thought back to your apartment. Your shitty apartment and your three roommates who you never spoke to, the leaks in the ceilings, the constant noise, the crowds, the grey fogs that would weigh down on your lungs, the deaths on the tube, the harassment just from walking to campus, everything. “It sucks. The city is horrible,” you sighed, “The school is alright, though. The people are standoffish and don’t talk, but the education is good.”

Wilbur looked as though he was fighting off a smile, taking a sip from the beer he’d been given. “I’m sorry to hear that. Glad the school is good. It may not be my place exactly, but do you mind if I say something?” 

Dread filled your chest. “Well, you have to now.” 

A smile crossed his face, his eyes wrinkling at the corners. “I told you so.” 

A moment of processing passed before you burst into laughter. Of course, after all the years you knew Wilbur Soot, you probably could have predicted that would be the first thing he’d want to say to you. 

“Okay, okay, I can admit. Maybe you were a little right. I’ve got my regrets, but despite the city, I don’t hate my choice,” you took a sip from your pint, “what about you? How’s life been?” 

He shrugged a bit, “I’d say good. I did some schooling online and graduated a bit ago. Been doing some work, uh, online, so yeah. It’s been good.” 

“Oh, that sounds cool. Anything I’d know?” 

 “Uh, maybe…” He went quiet for a moment before continuing, “I work for Twitch if you know that company.” 

You shrugged, “I know of them. That’s cool though, I’m glad you found something you enjoy.” 

He smiled a bit, “Yeah, it’s been nice. I’ve made quite a few friends.”

“Really?” That was a bit of a surprise, “Shy little Wilby is making work friends?” 

He seemed to flush a bit, chuckling, “I’ve gotten better about the shyness.” 

“That’s good. You seem to be doing better in that department than I have. I haven’t changed much at all, I think.” 

He hummed, pondering. He stared for a moment, and you almost felt shy under his gaze. Finally, after what felt like ages, he spoke up, “You do your hair differently. You used to part it to the side.” 

You laughed, surprised by the unexpected statement, instinctively reaching up to fix some stray hairs. It brought a blush up to your cheeks, as you couldn’t remember the last time someone had noticed such a small detail as that. You bit your lip for a moment before responding, “Yeah, I- I guess so. Though, to be fair, we kind of had the whole edginess thing going on back then. Had to look the part.”

“Very true,” He snorted a bit, “I still listen to the same music for the most part though.” 

“Oh, let me guess. Favorite band is still Los Campesinos!?” 

“Yeah,” he laughed, “though I play a bit of my music now too.” 

“Oh?” that was a major development. Wilbur spent a significant amount of time in school talking about how much he wanted to play music, always humming some tune to himself, “Will, that’s fantastic. You’ll have to show me sometime.” 

“I could show you now, if you’d like. I’m just watching the house for my parents, so I brought some of my music equipment with me.”

You don’t know what made you so willing to say yes. Maybe it was the fact that you’d finished your pint. Maybe it was just the way that being here and talking to Wilbur made the heaviness in your chest finally lighten up since you first realized you’d have to go home. Either way, before you knew it, you and Wilbur were walking back to his place, chatting lightly the whole way there. 

“Wow, this place hasn’t changed.” 

You took off your coat as you and Wilbur entered his front door. 

“My parent’s haven’t made much of an effort to change things. They think the nineties are still in.” He joked lightly as he locked the door behind you both. 

You chuckled, “Yeah, I can see that.” You followed him up the stairs, “So, you said you were just watching the place for them. I take it you don’t live here anymore?” 

“Nope, I’ve been living in Brighton, actually. I think you’d really like it. It’s still England, so it’s not great, but the ocean is gorgeous.” 

“I’ve been meaning to go down there, actually. It’s only about an hour's train from me, so sometimes my roommates go down there for long weekends. I just haven’t had the time.” 

He hummed, “Well, whenever you do have the time, let me know. I’ve got a pretty nice spare room. Plus, I could introduce you to my mates.”

You smiled softly, mostly to yourself, “Yeah. That would be nice.” 

He sat down on his bed, reaching behind him and grabbing his guitar.  You  took a moment to look around the room. The same posters were still hung up, the dents in the wall from you and him goofing off and throwing things, even the scuffs on the floorboards from when you and him rearranged all his furniture. In the years of separation, you expected more of a difference. The only actual difference was that the room was cleaned for once. You hesitated before sitting next to him as you made your observations. He noticed. 

“What’s up?” 

I shrugged, “It’s weird. Being back here, I mean. I haven’t sat here since A-levels.”

He nodded, thinking it over for a moment. “Yeah. It is a bit weird. Doesn’t it kind of seem like nothing’s changed though?” He chuckled, “I mean, despite the time gap, you always did say being here made you feel safe.” 

“Yeah,” I sighed, “the feeling is still there. I just feel… weird. I’m used to missing you and all of our memories, but I’m not used to being here again after everything that has changed.” 

He smiled slightly, “you missed me?”

I chuckled, “Obviously, man. I missed you every day. Missed having a best friend to bully.” 

He snorted, “Hey, all of our bullying was friendly. Unlike some of the other wankers at our school.”

You laughed, throwing your head back, “Oh god, yeah. Bloody hell, man, I feel bad for their kids. Marshall’s going into medicine, and my god, I pray I never end up as his patient. I feel like his negligence alone would kill me.” 

Wilbur laughed, leaning into you a bit. “God, that is not a man who should have a medical license,” he sighed softly. “Don’t fret, though. I missed you a lot too. I missed having someone yell at me to go outside or cut my hair.” 

You laughed, “Yeah, my yelling comes from a good place, though.” 

He hummed, “True. It did help me not go stir-crazy for a while there.” He paused for a moment, turning towards you slightly. “Wait, if you missed me, then… why didn’t you ever call?” 

You took a deep breath, sighing softly. “Honestly, at first… I thought you might be mad at me for leaving. We did kind of have a whole argument about it, and I didn’t know if you’d want to hear from me. And then, once some time had passed, I considered it. I considered looking you up and trying to talk to you, or even just texting you, but I just felt like it might’ve been weird for me to just text you out of the blue. I didn’t want you to think I was just contacting you because I needed something or something stupid like that. I got busy, and more time passed, and reaching out just felt weirder and weirder each time I considered it.” 

He nodded softly. He didn’t make eye contact as he listened and thought. “If I’m being honest as well, I didn’t want to hear from you at first. I was pretty upset. But after a while, I just missed my best friend. And I was going to text you, but I thought you’d be upset with how we left things. I wanted you to reach out because if I had hurt you, I couldn’t handle reaching out only to get anger, or even worse, just silence,” He sighed, “but if I knew you were thinking the same, I would have dedicated as much effort as I have to keep you in my life.” 

You flushed a bit, “I would have too.” You made eye contact with him and everything felt warm for a moment, as if his gaze was sunlight peering through dark clouds. 

“Now that I know, though,” he started, “I am going to annoy the fuck out of you.”

You laughed loudly at that, grinning up at him, “I wouldn’t have it any other way. We’ve got a few years to make up for after all.” 

He grinned softly, looking down for a moment. He pulled his guitar up a bit, smiling, “Well, now that that’s settled. Let me play you something.” 

Wilbur’s music was beautiful. He played for an hour before he decided to stop, something about not wanting to play anything he hadn’t quite finished yet. 

“Always the perfectionist, you are,” you commented as he placed his guitar down. 

“Not always, I’ve gotten better about it. But I want to impress you mostly.” 

“Really?” He sat back down on the bed next to you, “You wanted to impress me?” 

He nodded, humming out a soft ‘mmhm’. 

“If I knew we were trying to impress each other, I would’ve made my life sound much cooler.” 

“Oh, really, how so?” 

“I dunno, would’ve made it sound like I have some millionaire boyfriend who takes me to Spain for a casual date.” 

He hesitated, his teeth taking his bottom lip in thought. “Do you have one?”

“A millionaire boyfriend?” You laughed out, “No, Wilbur, I d-“

“No, I just meant like, a boyfriend.” 

“Oh.” You frowned a bit, “No. I don’t. Haven’t exactly gotten to know many people there. Plus, all the men are quite shit.” 

He nodded, “Just like everything else in London?”

“Pretty much,” You chuckled softly, “What about you though? A handsome guy like you in Brighton, I’m sure you’ve gotten yourself, someone, by now.”

He shrugged, “Tried it out for a while, but I just didn’t have much luck.” He stopped as he processed your response in full, “Hold on, handsome? You think I’m handsome?” He teased. 

You lightly blushed, rolling your eyes, “Obviously, man. You’ve always been quite fit. Especially with that haircut rather than that straight line cut you used to have.” 

He laughed, “God, that was horrendous. Well, wait, how about now,” he took his hands and pushed his hair back, revealing his forehead. 

You burst out laughing, “Somehow, yes, even if your forehead takes up half your face.” 

He laughed, moving his hands and shaking his head to get his hair to fall back into place. “I can safely say, I find myself quite flattered. Especially coming from an incredibly pretty person such as yourself.” 

You flushed a soft pink, “You think?”

“No, I don’t think, I just know facts.” 

You blushed darker, chuckling. “Well, thanks.” You lightly nudged him with your side. 

He repeated the action, albeit slightly harder. You two did this for a moment, each going slightly harder until he’d accidentally gone a bit too hard, knocking both of you down. 

You both laughed, him laying his head against your side for a moment, before pulling himself up and holding himself up by his arm above you. 

“You’re still as goofy, Mr. Soot.” 

“Only with you.” 

“Oh?”

“Actually, no. But this kind of goofy, yes.” 

“And what kind is that?” 

He just stared down at you for a moment. You felt yourself flush a bit under his gaze, and you stared back up at him. The light from his room gave him a soft halo glow around his head that made him look completely angelic. You’d always thought him attractive, but fuck he was ethereal like this. 

“The kind I do to make pretty people laugh.” 

Your breath hitched, but you were quiet otherwise. You couldn’t remember a time when your best friend was ever so… bold. Maybe part of you was reading into the tension, but the most gorgeous man you’d ever know just called you pretty. That plus his position above you was enough to make your heartbeat faster. You wanted to kiss him. Something in you felt so strongly the urge to wrap your hands around his neck and kiss him. For some reason you couldn’t quite fathom, though, you didn’t. 

“Well, feels nice being special, then.” 

He laid down next to you, the both of you just staring at the ceiling for a few quiet moments as the tension diffused. 

He turned to you. “I can’t tell if I still know almost everything about you or if I know nothing anymore.” 

“I can’t tell either.” You turned back to him, sighing, “Honestly, you probably still know more about me than I do.” 

“You think?” 

You nodded. 

He thought to himself, “Still play Minecraft?” 

“God, no,” You laughed, “I wish. I just don’t have the time for anything like that. I’ve just been studying constantly.” 

“Unfortunate. If you ever need a break from studying, we could always play together.” He hummed, “ They’ve added a lot of cool things to the game.”

“You still play?” 

“Yeah,” he nodded, “I play a lot. It’s a fantastic narrative tool, in fact.”

“Oh, really?”

“If you have enough people willing to work out a story and act it out, it makes for a cool platform to tell stories.” 

You smiled, despite it being only for Wilbur’s sake. Honestly, you were sad that you didn’t know what he was talking about. 

“What’s up?” 

“Hm?” You questioned softly. 

“Something’s wrong. I still know one of your fake smiles when I see them.”

“Oh,” you mumbled, “no, it’s just… I missed you. I’m a bit bummed that I can’t see the cool stuff you’ve done since.”

“Well,” he started, rubbing the back of his neck, “actually, you can.” 

You gave him a confused look as he continued. 

“You know how I mentioned I worked for Twitch?” You nodded, “well when I say that, I mean that I stream, actually, so playing live for people and that includes all my stories.”

“Wilbur, that’s amazing.”

“I know,” he laughed, “I’m still shocked people are interested in what I write and create.” 

“If they’re anything like your DnD campaigns, I’m not shocked at all.”

He laughed again, throwing his head back, “Oh, man, I loved making those as convoluted as possible though, you were the one who made the stories make sense. These are more streamlined since we have to deal with so many different schedules and coordinate stuff.” 

“God, that sounds stressful. I can barely coordinate plans with one person.” 

He shrugged, “It’s easier since streaming is all of our jobs. It’s more like assigning work shifts.”

You hummed, “That makes sense.”

“Yeah, I can send you some stuff from it. Though, be warned, without your aid, some pieces of lore are wildly convoluted.” 

You chuckled, “I expect nothing less.” 

You and Wilbur continued to talk for hours, just catching each other up on life and new habits, and every detail missed between the cracks of time you two were separated from each other. You couldn’t be sure when you or Will fell asleep, but you woke up feeling safer than you’d had in a long time. When you’d briefly woken up to the morning light coming through the blinds, and you noticed his lanky arm wrapped around you, you gently reached down and held his hand in yours before falling back into the kind arms of rest. 

You woke up again about two hours later. You were facing him now, both of your legs wrapped between each other, and his arm was still lightly cupping your back. You opened your eyes to see him still sleeping, a soft and peaceful expression on his face. You gently reached a hand up to brush some of his hair away from his eyes. You were so busy staring at his soft features that you barely noticed his eyes open. 

“Good morning to you too, then,” he spoke, his voice laced with sleep. 

Your hand jumped back, a blush immediately rising to your cheeks, “Sorry.”

“‘s alright. Felt quite nice, actually.” He blinked the sleep out of his eyes after a moment, and he flushed himself, going to move his hand off your waist, “Oh, sorr-“

“No.” You stopped him, his arm halting midair, “It’s okay. It felt quite nice,” you said, mimicking his words from a moment ago. 

He blushed, cautiously lowering his arm back onto your side. 

“Did you sleep well?” He asked. 

“Yeah. Your room feels more familiar than mine, honestly.” 

He chuckled, his laughter slightly gruff from the early morning, “You probably spent more time here than at your own place, so I can’t say I’m shocked.”

You laughed, “Oh, almost definitely. What about you, did you sleep well?” 

He smiled at you, nodding, “Best I’ve slept since I got here. I felt much less lonely.” 

“I know what you mean. My room kind of just feels cold. Not temperature-wise, but just like,” you sighed, “you know what I mean.”

“Luckily, I do.” He smiled, “You’re welcome to stay here again, if you like.”

You hummed, “I might consider it. Though I would like to stop home to put on something clean.” 

He nodded, “Right, of course, yeah. I actually have to stream today, too, so, if anything, just,” he trailed off, “text me around eight?” 

“Yeah,” you nodded, “That sounds good. I can bring some food from home too, given that I know you have probably just been eating takeout or, god forbid, have been trying to cook by yourself.”

“Hey, I’m much better at cooking than I used to be,” he laughed. “You’re right about the takeout, though.” 

You snorted, “I know you well, Mr. Soot.” 

He smiled fondly, “You sure do.” 

The two of you just lay there quietly, basking in the early air and light. After a few minutes, you sighed, leaning your head against his chest quietly. 

“Is everything alright?” He whispered. 

You nodded against him, burying your face deeper against him while he wrapped his arms tighter around you. You felt emotional all of a sudden as you held onto him: Your best friend, who you’d secretly loved for years. And now, you thought about what held you back in the past. The main thing you were afraid of was losing him, but in the end, that ended up happening anyway. Love confession or not, you lost him, and now, you were given another chance by whatever fateful creature may exist out there. And as insistent as you were to not lose this chance, your logic stopped you. This trip was just that: a trip. In two weeks, you’d be back to your place in London and he would be back in Brighton. But yet there was an ache in your chest, consistent with longing and want but entirely unattainable. 

“Stop thinking so much,” he spoke softly, placing his chin on top of your head. 

“Wilbur, you know that is entirely impossible for me.” 

“Okay,” he trailed off, “then do you want to talk about it, so it can at least be out of your head?”

You did. You wanted to talk about it all, in its entirety, if only just to know if the ache present in your chest matched an ache in him. But you couldn’t. If that ache wasn’t present in him, who would you be to share it with him? The solution seemed to lie in half-truths.

“I’m just thinking about how I go home in two weeks and how much I’m dreading it. I don’t want to go back to schoolwork.”

He hummed, nodding, “It’s probably not helpful to say, but if you dwell on that the whole time you’re here, then it will come twice as fast. You’ve got to slow your brain down a bit. Try and just be in the moment.” 

You snorted, “That’s rich coming from you.” 

He chuckled, “Hey, my anxiety might take over sometimes, but it really does help to try and just focus on what’s happening, you know. You’re safe here,” he lightly kissed the top of your head, “so just focus on being here.” 

You sighed, “I’ll try.” You shifted your focus to the soft sound of his heartbeat against your ear, the feeling of his arms wrapped around your back. Every detail was comprised of him. 

You eventually did have to go home, after receiving a frantic call from your mum about how you “couldn’t just sneak off every time you got bored” which, granted, you disagreed with; you knew this town like the back of your hand, and you’re an adult so it’s not like she can dictate your every move. When you made it home, you went to your room to change and shower, but your thoughts immediately drifted back to Will. You never really noticed just how many minute details you had memorized, like the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed, or the way he would tilt his head back when something that caught him offguard made him really laugh. You thought about the way he would hiccup in between laughter so strong it made his ribs hurt. The sly smile he would give you when you made eye contact but neither of you had anything to say.  Your thoughts were entirely consumed by him. 

By the time it was dinner, you had done almost extensive research into Wilbur’s online persona. You watched as many videos as you could, some of his, some of them fan-made. It was a weird concept, your best friend having fans. You’d gone onto the online space briefly before backing away. You didn’t exactly want to intrude on fan debates given how much you knew about Wilbur really. It was odd watching him talk to his chat and everything. It was so different. He didn’t seem like the shy, almost moody, boy you knew. He was much more confident and comfortable. It did warm your heart to see him being so strong in himself. Your mind wonderer over this new information, how different he was from the person you knew, as you ate. You almost didn’t hear your mum speaking to you. 

“Dear, are you listening?”

You brought yourself out of your thoughts, grimacing. She hated when you weren’t listening, “Oh, sorry. No, uhm, what’s up?” 

She frowned, giving you a cold stare, “I asked if you’ve found any jobs lined up yet. For after graduation?” 

You sighed, “Not yet, Mum.”

“Because my old work friend, Charles, he could use the extra folks there. They’re looking into expanding into America.” She never actually cared much about what you wanted to do, always trying to push you into the field she wanted you to pursue. 

“I’ll be fine. I can find a job myself. And Charles doesn’t even work in the same field my degree is in.” 

“Just trying to help,” she tutted, tucking her arms defensively in front of her. “What’s on your mind these days?” 

You shrugged tensely, “School and work. I haven’t had time for much else.”

She cooed, almost mocking, “You really should be looking into a relationship, dearie. You don’t want all the good ones taken, right?” 

“God, mum, stop that. I’m fine on my own.” 

“But are you happy?” She laughed, as if taunting you. 

“I resent the implication that I cannot be perfectly fine and happy on my own without the presence of another person to fulfill me.” You spat.

“I’m not saying that specifically, I’m just saying, you really ought to try harder. I’m sure most people don’t find your constant sweatpants that attractive.” 

You groaned, standing. “I can’t be here for this anymore.” 

She did this every year. Constantly reminding you of your own loneliness under the guise of being thoughtful and caring, rather than just understanding that you are your own person who’d rather be alone before feeling like someone’s personal doll. 

You strode to the kitchen, filling a container with some leftovers for Wilbur as your mother tried helplessly to justify her own points. You waved her off, grabbing your bag before walking out the door.

You let out a sigh once you headed out. You walked to the end of the street and sat on the curb, pulling out your phone to text Wilbur. Once you got confirmation that you could come, you stood and walked the short distance to his place.

He opened the door, and you walked in casually. 

“You look annoyed about something,” he noted. 

“I would like you to take a wild guess,” you hummed, handing him the leftovers. 

He murmured a quick ‘thank you’ before responding, “Your mum?” 

“Still as bad as before, she is.” 

He sighed, “At least you’ve got mine to hide out at. Want to watch a movie or something?” 

taglist: @shubblelive / @superioritycomplexes (dm me or send an ask to be added!)

[mourninglamby]

its actually cool to see people dissect minecraft roleplay like this, like to me yeah it was just a block game but the dark subjects matters just intertwined in a way that made it very... strange? i guess?

i feel like to really get it you have to have a certian amount of respect for the story and medium but also scorn of it, like i have sooo many problems with how things went in a million different ways, but i also think that when it worked it worked wonders. so its interesting to me for someone to dig deeper then the surface and really see it for what it was objectively

i hate that its attatched to the minecraft youtuber fandom in general because for the majority of time i was wathcing I was soley in it for a story, I dont think i even checked out a non story realated stream until like... june of that year

and i hate dream but like you said him being there and playing such a character just ads to the levels of weirdness and rawness

c!tommy got me through a dark dark time in my life, esp exile. I dealth with abuseful neglect and manipulation all my life, and i was in deep bouts of depression when those streams were coming out. but literally seeing a character portray such a raw and ugly realality of those things and yet still get back up again was comforting and cathartic

to me it was the colaboration between actor and audience that really made it unlike anything else, and also what really led to its destruction. but im glad it was there when i needed it

This is well said anon and I’m so sorry you went through something like that. Dsmp found me at a very terrifying time in my life in regards to trauma. I don’t want to get into it just as I’m sure you don’t either, but when youve been a victim of abuse, you gain a perspective that nobody else has. Your mind is permanently altered. We see things that might not be as easy to detect let alone digest for those who havent experienced that reality. or even people who are currently working through that trauma who don’t understand how to deal with it or approach it yet. And that’s not good nor bad. It just is.

I think it’s. Hard. It’s very hard to talk about. And it’s by design! I definitely agree some of the performances were amazing but with very little consideration for what to do next or how to conclude those arcs, things got messy quickly and I think they relied on their dogmatic rabid fans to deflect any serious criticism of that. And I expected them to! I expect people who tread dangerously to know what they’re doing, but they didn’t know what they were doing. That became clear to me very quickly.

And ya it is still very important to me as well… I have never seen myself in another victim in fiction quite as well as I have c!tommy. And I have found so many like minded people that I cherish and love so much. I just got back from hanging out with someone who I got close with online during dsmp! So as disgusting and scary as the community was, yes, I am also very glad it was here when I needed it. Because I needed it.

I hope we can all continue to heal from these experiences and move on to make/consume kinder art together 🌈💫💗

(Oh also I didnt/don’t(it’s complicated) care about the real people either. I actually was so detached I believed dsmp was all they did! It’s crazy how much of a second thought a lot of this was in hindsight. Which is both infuriating and worrying)

[luciusspriggss]

i am writing this because i lit dont feel comfortable with talking to anyone with what is going on with me right now, so this is just a vent post to get off my chest

I just wrote like 10 paragraphs detailing the last year with, and ultimate reasons why my ex, Jes, and I broke up two days ago. It was a lot. Nobody needs to hear that shit. Yeah, Jes was awful to me, (unintentionally) gaslit me for a year (it wasn't their fault), neglected me, was mean to me while they were drunk, and overall a shitty selfish person for the past couple months, but I get it. I know why. Doesnt excuse their behavior. I told them what they were doing and who they were becoming so it wouldn't happen again. I just, don't want to deal with that right now.

We have grown since getting together 3 1/2 years ago. Jes is now able to trust people, process their emotions, and be there for people (except for me lol). Jes has finally discovered who they are, what they want, and how they want to continue growing. We still love each other, but neither of us are the people we fell in love with.

I am unmasking and realizing just how much I mask and put other peoples needs above mine. I still want to be a good person and do good. I am realizing though that I keep ending up in relationships (romantic, platonic, whatever) where people get mad at me for things I can't control. I am willing to do things I am uncomfortable with, given I have enough time to mentally prepare. But I also deserve to have someone who wants to do things I want to do too.

I like staying at home. I like doing my own thing. I like to binge watch tv/movies/media, read, create, relax, and have a routine. I also like to occasionally go out to the woods to make sure I can still properly identify trees, go to bookstores, craft stores, go out to fuck off no where and try to identify as many flowers as I can using my Jepson, and if able (which i am not right now) do yardwork. I love cutting logs with an axe and then splitting the wood for firewood/kindling. I love creating/rehabilitating existing trails. I love weed-eating. I love ensuring a property is wildfire safe by making proper buffers and removing ladder fuels. I don't need someone to do all those things with me (I actually kind of prefer to do yard work alone but am open to help), but it would be nice to meet someone who is down to do SOMETHING with me that I enjoy.

I need to figure out what I want and allow myself to do those things without caring what people think of me. The only place I am truly myself is on Tumblr, and that makes me very sad. I mean, I am happy for tumblr. I hate that I chose to focus on a relationship instead of doing something that actually makes me feel better.

I'm so happy now that there is no pressure me to do things that are an actual nightmare for me (like going out to bars all the time). I felt so frustrated because I would TRY. I put so much energy into being able to not have a meltdown, and tried my best to be as social as I could, and it wasn't enough. When I would try to do what I wanted to do in a bar (sit in a corner and people watch or play pool) I would still get told that I make them "uncomfortable" because they know "I don't actually want to be there". I am trying 😭. It was a no-win for me. I stay home and I am "unsocial and not doing the things they want to do". I do go and try to have fun and am told "you dont really want to be here. you arent social enough. i am uncomfortable when I am around you. I don't want to have to worry if you are okay or not when I am not around you". ))))): I don't understand. The worst is when I am told "you were more fun when you would get drunk before". I was EXACTLY the same way, they just couldn't read me before. I was quiet then and I am quiet now (unless a fun interesting conversation comes up I feel I can take part of). They even agreed to let me leave if I started getting over stimulated. If Jes and my roommate were having a party or bbq, I was told that I could go to my room when my battery was out. They told me they were happy I was trying to hang out with them. And then later get mad at me for not being social enough.

Okay this is turning into a rant, I'm sorry. Point is, I want to be with someone who actually is okay with me being the person I am. Stop trying to change me all the time. I need to figure out how to put my foot down and ensure my needs and desires are not neglected (i suppose i sort of did when Jes and I broke up).

I LIKE believing in more fantastical things, having a positive outlook, seeing the good in people, having fun, being the person I actually am. I'm tired of people giving me "reality checks". If I want to learn about werewolves, vampires, and pirates, let me! It's fun! Stop telling me it is all bullshit and there is no point in trying to learn about it 😭. I love the idea that people can find true love with others (any kind of love for any kind of relationship) and people constantly keep telling me there is no point, people are people, "true love" doesnt exist. I think it exists! Stop making me feel bad because we don't see things the same way. I don't care if others view something differently from me! Life is joyous and I want to know how other people think and function. I think it is fascinating. There is nothing wrong with me seeing the world the way I do ):

It is going to be tough mourning the relationship, that was the most healthy relationship I have ever had, but I am excited and hopeful. I get to find out who I truly am now. Unmasked. I am grateful for that. And I am talking to my therapist later today so I get to do some serious processing and reflecting (:

Life is good (I mean it is god awful, i hate myself and i am struggling in almost every aspect of my life). But it IS good. I WILL be okay.

[olivieblake]

hellllllllo olivie, congratulations on like all the good things that have been happening that i haven't congratulated you on yet!!! i have an emotional issue :(

so i broke up with my boyfriend last thursday because he is unfortunately a grade A dick, and I'm not entirely sure if I'm supposed to feel more or less upset than I do? Bc I'm quite alright most of the time, and sometimes I catch myself missing him, but then I'll see him talking to people on a shared groupchat we're both in and just get taken out by feeling somehow both ignored and replaced? Both of which are huge triggers for me for a lot of reasons, but also are the reasons I broke up with him in the first place - he ignored me for two weeks and obstructed every attempt I made to speak to him, and then whenever I did see him he made really cruel comments about my mental health issues and struggles with emotional honesty (and also paid faaaaaaaaar too much attention to another person). At first it really upset me, but then after a few days I got used to it and I was able to deal with it better, but talking to my friends made me realise I realllllllly shouldn't have to 'get used' to being neglected and mistreated by someone who claims that I'm the love of his life. (Spoiler alert: I'm clearly not lol)

After a few days of putting up with his behaviour and giving him the benefit of the doubt bc he's going through some stuff with his father rn, I did break up with him, which I think I'm dealing pretty well with so far.

The relief of not having to deal with feeling like an afterthought to him is definitely getting me through a lot of it, but I still care about him and it annoys me that I still dont know what I did to make him turn against me so suddenly. Up until two weeks ago, he was almost a perfect gentleman, apart from what I've come to realise was him pushing me to be emotionally honest in ways I'm really not comfortable with.

The whole point of this rambling is basically that I don't know if he's ever going to apologise for mistreating me, or whether he even realises that's what he did, but I still feel really hurt and upset and I want him to feel the same way. I don't hate him or want him to suffer, but I want him to feel my absence if that makes sense.

At the end of the day I am willing to forgive him if he apologises, but I could only ever be friends with him after this. I sincerely hope he has a good life, but it won't be with me.

asdfghjkl reading back i have realised that I do not in fact have A Point to this ask, and yet here i am. alas, the woes of emotional entanglements lmao

i think what I really want to know is do you have any advice for either a) speedrunning the five stages of grief so im fine quicker or b) how to get to a point where i'm not deeply triggered by seeing him talk to other people

in his (limited) defence, i don't think even he knows why we broke up (his mother has mentioned that she thinks he's equally confused), but as he's not attempting to reach out and explain himself as of yet, im not going to put up with him and I stand by my decision

anywayyyyyyy

men am i right 🙄

well wishes to you and your family <33

lol 🙄 lovely to see you as always, with or with out your entanglements. answered in this video!

[readthephible]

i share some of your sentiments about shaymien, i didnt want to give even a longer rant on other peoples asks lol. first of all i loove mitski's acoustic recording of francis forever on youtube, its how i discovered her! and to a heavier note, i have been the person who had to end/take some space from friendships becouse the other parts energy was way too much to handle for me, and i would feel i could get mean or bitter about them which then would end up making more nervous around them. (which i would hate!! i didnt dislike them as a whole person, as their core. its just the way we connect become so mismatched) i can see that this would make the other person nervous too, but my nervous response was to back away to not hurt them with my bitterness thats building, theirs would be to latching to more. i had to have a difficult conversation that i didnt/still dont feel 100 percent good about. i just have to accept that some amount of hurt is necesarry in life, and you cant shy away from it. that only gives shallow relationships, and even worse in the long run //abusive// ones. i still respected them and liked lots of parts of them and wished them the best! maybe with a person who can be more compassionate/honest/just overal can match their vibe then me? idk, shit is complex lol. i didnt want to put this one on shaymien too much, because i can clearly see im way too heavily biased from my own experience, and im probably projecting a lot! just wanted to share my thoughts, and why this might be hitting harder for some of us..despite what the reality of the situation might be. sorry if my rant opened a bad can of worms -whats a good can of worms? lol, anyways, take care! (also i agree, i hope daimens not working himself too much to distract. i mean we all can do that to an extent. just hope it doesnt take too long for it to become actually harmful/neglecting of real problems)

thanks for sharing!! it is interesting to see the different perspectives on this, i have definitely been on both sides in terms of relationship reciprocation that we’re talking about, but i definitely feel like i am usually the one that is more…obsessive, i guess? it’s something i’ve realized i’ve been doing for a while now, there are aspects of my personality that are obsessive, and i’m also kind of having to deal with the guilt of that, and struggling with wanting to be 100% myself not holding back, but also not wanting to be too much for people to make them uncomfortable idk. this is entirely on me now and not on damien anymore really oopsies!

[bunnypopgal]

Morality Bites

Since my last post ive been having to deal with of course more flashbacks with panic attacks that last longer than i think should be possible in humans. Most of the flashbacks are from back when i was in high school. i had to deal with a lot of homophobia and just a lot of overall bullying from my dear classmates.

Like when i would ask one of my nice classmates to tell me more about his old tech collection my other classmates ran around telling each other that i was bullying him and calling him names. Every time he would stand up to them when they tried to "comfort" him (they just wanted to talk shit about me to anyone). That was super out of his comfort zone and im still very grateful for both him telling me what was going on and him standing up for honestly the both of us. This kinda thing would happen a lot and i mean a lot. So much so that even the super quiet kids in school began to openly insult me about things i would never do. Then i would go home and get treated the same by my biological mother. I hate being "back" in that place in my life. No matter how much i would stand up for myself everything would be twisted against me over and over again so much that people would often just assume most if not all those things about me had to be the real truth. To be fair i think it didnt help i never explained my morals set fully. i never thought to at the time and now im not sure if it wouldve even changed anything at all. Everything i believe in my moral set is pretty understandable but im not sure how it looks to others looking back. my moral set is mine tho. i never would force ANYONE to adhere to it just because they dont live the same way but i would tell them i disapprove, why and that if we dont see eye to eye on this THATS FINE(depending) BUUUT that also meanings i would rather not be close/friends anymore and just be more polite acquaintances(now that im adult i can tell people to fuck off nowadays! yahoo!!)

heres the large bulk of my moral set:

i am against discrimination based on sexuality, gender, ethnicity, heritage, and non-hateful religious followers. 

i am against child abuse, child neglect, DV, SA and theres NO excuse for any of it. Monsters who do these acts are monsters and theres no going back from that.

i am against cruelty, excessive) selfishness + selflessness(these things must be in a good balance), bullying, cheating, lying (unless its a life or death situation), people refusing self-improvement/growth, being disingenuous/fake.

Kindness is a gift. Be kind, be understanding but be rational because there will always be people who want to abuse others' kindness.Its a gift you have to give to YOURSELF first so that you will also have enough to be able to share with others. Being kind includes setting appropriate boundaries, being assertive and clear, letting yourself BE HUMAN.

If you see a chance to help someone no matter how small it may seem at first it DOES matter. 

When you make a mistake you do your best to right your wrong because youre yourself during your best and your worst times so make sure you can be proud of yourself even in the worst times. Mistakes are opportunities to grow and learn- take them!!! 

Life is short but also long- keeping/finding good mental health is a must, being able to be yourself is a must- never live a lie, you want something you work for it- passion is a wonderful tool, surround yourself with like-minded people but don't be afraid to be open to others- you may learn something new!

im only 23 rn but i feel ive learned a lot in my lifetime and im also know i have so much more ahead of me. i know some of these maybe hard for other people and it may feel lonely at times but for me thats okie. i dont preach or force these things on other people, mind you. i believe if someone truly wants to change, grow into living with this kinda moral set and sticking to it they need to find their reasons themselves. we're all on our own journeys.

Anyways most of my life i have found everyone around me has often just expected the worst of me in every situation and treated me as if i am evil in human form no matter what was proven. i dont live to make others like me so i do my best to stand up for myself but if they dont believe me or not care enough to think of me even neutrally now- thats fine with me. i just dont want to be treated poorly. i will never understand excessive cruelty that has been done to me. i dont know what they tell themselves at night to justify it all. it makes me feel scared since i feel like if any of them got the chance to be cruel to me once again none of them would flinch to do so. i understand i maybe cringe and annoying but i like myself, who i am and who i am always working on growing to be. im not gonna change for people who dont care about me as even a fellow human. i just wish and hope they ever hear or see my name or face anywhere its because my comic im currently working on made it big!

Before i close this post off i would like to say i understand my demeanour and overall hopefulness maybe seen like just plain ol' naivety and ill be honest maybe it is but i am passionate and i am determined to never give up, to use this life for all its got and do my part to make the world even just a little kinder. If that makes me seem stupid to you then i wonder what does "stupid" even mean to you.

"There's a difference only you can make." - Barbie in The 12 Dancing Princesses

[agaymerfry-writing]

I'm sorry

That you feel in love with me

That I'm a bad person

That you have to deal with me

That I'm numb or sad most of the time

That I don't know what it's like to experience joy

That all I feel is emptiness

Numbness

I can't feel anything else

How am I supposed to love

When I can not feel it, or anything

I thought I was a good person

Someone capable of loving

Someone who could love others

little more little less than two years pass

I fall out of love

It's happened twice, maybe three times the third shortened

Because of neglect?

Is it because I push people away?

Do I make myself so unlovable that they pull away?

Do my partners hate me, but can't bring themselves to

break up with me, so they shove me to the side?

They seem to care when I break it off.

Have they always cared?

Was this, losing our connection in that

special way what it took for them to care?

Or is it me?

is it that I can't love like how I should?

Do I fake it? How would I know?

What is it like to fall in love?

Have I experienced that?

Is it real?

Why, how can humans love so deeply

And care for another soul so much?

And call it love?

Does it require you to love yourself first?

To be comfortable with your body and mind

Before you can love another?

Will I be forever in this cycle of not knowing how to love?

If I even do so at all?

I thought I used to be able to love.

I thought I was able to have a genuine connection with people.

But as time passes.

I feel I am the problem

I jump from person to person

Looking for love

Not allowing myself to heal,

Or so I've been told.

What did I do

What actions did I take

To get to the point of becoming neglected

Because after the neglect

I start to spiral

And everything falls apart

Maybe it was already falling apart from the start.

Who knows

I just want to love

I want to experience love

I want to be able to love

I want to love without being punished for it

I think I'm broken

I feel numb

How do I love?

How do I love?

How do I stop being neglected?

How do I stop being unlovable? No

I don't think I am

Unlovable that is

I am capable of love, I show that all the time

I am a lover of things, friends and family, art and creations.

I love people, maybe too much sometimes, but I am capable of it

I am loveable. I can be loved.

Caption on the original video: "My brain thinks to much. My heart holds to much. So I write to cope. I want to believe I am capable of feeling love. I just dont think I know what it is."

Written and posted to tiktok on 03/05/23 (March 5th)

This poem probably has the most drastic cut, as the last section of is has been removed based on current information (meaning that the person it was written about was actually really shitty to me). The section in blue (not the title) is new, to reflect my new self love journey that slowly but surly I am taking. Know dear reader, you are loved and you are worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. Don't let others define your value.

[highschool-rooftop]

oct. 27th, 2020

man its weird to think this blog is 2 years old isnt it? like when I started this i thought that i was anyday from just killing myself, i had no hope, no job, and was about to love my living situation but thanks to a few nice friends and accepting people, i was able to land a job at *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* and then after that place stressing me to the point of panic attacks and taking it out on the wait staff... then i ended things nice with that place despite how much i hated it and i apologized to the wait staff alot.. probably too much...

now ive worked at *big store chain* a year now and i hate it just as much as i hated *generic sounding name for local seafood joint* for a similar reason too!! i fucking despite the people that run the places i work because i know i could probably do their job 30× better, i just choose not to because thats also 30× more responsibility on my shoulders and ive already got broken legs from the shit i feel like im dealing with outside of work.

the more i focus for a minute the more i feel like my life is in shambles and that im barely functioning right anymore. ive been horribly depressed again as of the past couple months and my family i live with barely talk to me because im always in my room which is like totally fair, but if im not sleeping up there im using whatever energy is left from work to hang out with my friends because theyre actually engaged in the topics i talk about, they show interest and actually talk to me not at me. my aunt and uncle and i have few interests in common so its incredibly difficult for me to keep a conversation going for long with them. theyre always playing card games or board games but im not interested in them, theyre not really that fun for me. my uncle plays xbox but hes typically on COD which i dont enjoy because of how toxic those communities are, hes got minecraft but the last time he played he never told me he was getting on at all otherwise i would've joined! then theres me and my cousin who are currently on nearly completely different schedules and really only see each other when hes taking me to and from work which makes it hard to hang out and play games, and thats of hes even willing to play any of the games im comfortable with and not trying another Survival-Crafting-RPG-Game of the week or something like factorio which is hyper complicated and i dont have the time to dedicate to learning how to play correctly so i just end up being a resource collector and its kinda boring..

and all of thats just the at home situation. my friends at least hear from me more but since alot of them have moved out of town for college at this point i haven't hung out with a friend outside of work irl in like 5, maybe 6 months... and i dont interact with many people at work. im really really lonely.

small bit of good news i feel i should add here in case i dont come back again for a few months is that ive scheduled an appointment to see someone abt getting hrt, itll be Jan 19th! ill also be seeing a few of my online friends in December too!! i hope i can stay alive at least until then. sometimes i feel like im in the same situation i was in when i started this blog but those two things are the two things giving me the hope to keep pushing on i guess.

oh and my old friends birthday will be this weekend, i probably shouldve just forgotten them by now like they probably have me but in the off chance that they ever find this stupid blog: happy birthday BXXXXX, hope you have been in good health and that you are happy ! please be well and enjoy Freddy VS Jason and the Scary Godmother, and the live action Scooby Doo movies again this year !

with that i think thats all ive had to say. im neglecting mentioning new speaker of the house, Mike Johnson, and all the terrible horrible things i want to say abt him and how im worried it will fuck with my healthcare before i even recieve it due to the fact that im typing this up outside, its cold out, my phones almost dead, im tired, and i still have a bit of this bowl of the married iguanas to finish up with before unwinding and going to bed to repeat this living nightmare of a life all over again tomorrow. maybe ill watch adventure time before bed ..?

[kindtobechurlish]

Rolling this rock up this hill! You see a bitch just want fan boys to suck his balls, and he is gay. Everyone is gay. I’m not gay. Stop giving me signs, isn’t there someone you need to text, someone you need to call? They will call you an Uber? They getting you dinner too, pizza? This is not justice, nor satisfactory justice. If Noor is going to look at all of these women from my past that did bull shit, a fat woman, a dumb bitch, a stupid light skinned n’er, to just neglect what I am about, then don’t be with me you bitch. Some would say nothing happened, I am just being impatient. And I say, if I am before my wife, I don’t want to hear that bull shit, least she isn’t my wife. SAMANTHA ISN’T MY WIFE! I don’t like how she treated me, thinking back, and if this Cinnamon Toast Crunch of a bitch doesn’t do what I ask for 1200, you see she isn’t cool and I say, “how was the concert? I’m talking money!”

Noor. You left Islam and I hate Jews. You aren’t for me, I’m religious and those bitches aren’t getting shit from me? “💎”, DELETE, you a ho! Fuck you!

You see the fact as the fact, I’m not dealing with the bull shit, Noor. Some Islamic was praying when I needed coffee, 7 minutes, 1:00pm, and I was five minutes late to work. I don’t have time for Noor’s bull shit, you don’t understand it, I’m filled with so much rage, I just want to hurt someone, and if she doesn’t do the necessary she is the enemy, with that dumb negro. I’m filled with rage right now, see what I am willing to do to save myself, a fucking worm, and I’ll drive you out and say I talked to you to see you sucking dick in a CAR! Be known for me seeing you doing that, you a BITCH! I’ll tell you what I’ll do, and you are haughty, so you couldn’t call it and I’ll just be fake. Ready to put you in slavery. You eat pork, go in slavery with bastard ball cap boy, he can stay with those bitches and I no longer translate his sentiment, and they stay in their world. Each day the n’er woman is more ugly, a monkey, doesn’t listen, and you are just like her? Don’t be with me. I’m filled with rage, I’ll throw my life away, and I’ll kill a bitch. When I say give it to me, do it, I’ll kill you. You need to some glasses to see, I’m not those idiots at BLM. I understand my heart, what’s going on. I’ll kill you, find a way to ruin you and I’m just as free as you! DO RESEARCH, KNOW ABOUT IT! FUCK YOU AND YOUR SIGNS! DON’T THINK IM KIDDING, I am disgruntled, ILL CURSE YOU AND DONT CARE IF YOUR SMILE IS A CRY, a false pretense. FUCK YOU!

I don’t want to be with you, I don’t want to be your friend! I just want two days off and get a cat, you leave me alone and you know I hate you! You aren’t figuring out lovey-dovey, people I would only sell coke to, call me gay because I don’t want to get women with them. See what I want, I’m tired of trying to love a woman! I’ll work a job, and mirror Kim, GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FACE! Call a woman a ho, and solidify myself. “G.” FUCK YEA, these dudes are fucking hoes acting gangsta, I’ll get the diamonds. Ill get two days off, I’ll get a female cat, and YOU go to the gym. Don’t get with me. I’ll get the VVS, call a bitch a Ho, talk about it, and solidify myself. “I never fucked. She a ho.” Understand it. 💎

[yunna-assaki]

there's a lot of things that have happened in my life especially in my childhood that made me hate being born as a woman. How unsafe this world is without parental supervision. Others would often say, how lucky u are, you were born in a household that provides for you but what they don't understand why I felt so ungrateful is not because of the neglect in material things. It's the lack of affection, the lack of reliability that I have a parent there to protect me that made me bitter. How unsafe it is for a child to be left alone even with a relative, even more with a childless neighbor. Men will be men. And maybe why a part of me hates men is because of that exactly. They will take advantage of your innocence. And all the while growing up you thought it was ok. You thought it was normal. But no. And you realized. And you start hating everyone, your parents, your siblings and even more, yourself. and you start punishing yourself for things you had no control over. and they will never understand why you behave like this now, because how could you explain why you act like this? how could you tell them the reason without expecting them to look at you with pity and regret? because even if I pity myself, I dont want others to. Because the shit I had to go through is commendable and Im still fcking alive now despite me really wanting to end the suffering before. I grew up realizing it wasn't my fault. but even so, you have to deal with it. you have to be ok with it otherwise you would lose your sanity. And even so, I forgive them. I forgive them even if they weren't sorry. I forgive them for me. This time, i wanna love myself the way I deserve, and the way I should've been loved.

I would've lost my life a long time ago, if it weren't for God's intervention. Even if no one knew what you were going through it was still embarrassing because YOU KNEW. But maybe all of that had to happen for me to grow this way and appreciate the things that are happening now. I was so scared and broken but somehow reading the bible made me whole. made me complete.

[unkokurt]

I dont know if you will ever see this, and frankly I dont care at this point I just need to get this shit off my chest. I can honestly say that I wish i never met you. I wish I never sent you that message telling you how i really felt after all these years. I shouldve left you unhappy and alone with Devonte. All I got was a girlfriend who neglected my needs and still expected me to meet hers regardless of how she treated me! A girlfriend who didnt take anything i said or felt into consideration. A girlfriend who only put herself first and never cared how it affected me or our relationship, a girlfriend who always played the victim and runs back home when anything goes wrong even if her actions caused it! A girlfriend who was mentally and physically abusive. When i said i deserved better i meant that shit whole heartedly. I repeatedly told you what was bothering me and what needed to change and yet you made no effort at all to fix those things. I guess you feel as if you dont need to do any work on yourself and thats fine, but im good on that bullshit. You gave me crumbs and expected so much in return. You didnt even give the bare minimum literally time, and support! I shouldnt have had to ask for these things to begin with!

I want you to know I didnt leave because of money, it may have been a part of the issue but its far from the main reason I left. I left because you were a bad partner and girlfriend. You were selfish as fuck and just told me what i wanted to hear rather than genuinely fixing the issue, my needs never were a priority. It took what 2 years and a handful of fights and break ups for you to start making time for me? Yet any time you had you’d go spend with friends instead because “we lived together”. Then when id be irritated about it you’d try and make it seem as if i was jealous you had friends! Like nah i was irritated because you never made time for me but will make time for just about anybody else! Why i waited that long for quality time with you is beyond me! All the while supporting us while you finished college! Then the moment you could actually help out. You leave me to fend for myself yet again! Not like id been asking for some financial support for a year and a half +. Your response everytime was “but what about MY savings” like im not paying 4k a month in bills because of you and your fucking “needs”! Then you have the nerve to call me fucking selfish! The funniest part is when you told me “if you had this opportunity you wouldnt take it?” To be real with you, if it meant leaving you to fend for yourself knowing full well you were struggling I wouldnt. But thats why me and you arent the same. I wouldnt make my partners life harder just for some financial gain but i guess thats just me being selfish huh? And honestly you telling me youd do anything to make it work between living with me and your grandmas just to literally do nothing and tell me im on my own was total bullshit. I shouldve just broke things off months ago like i planned. Idk why i listened to you when you said youd do anything because i knew damn well you were lying!

You make me out to be such a bad person and you make all these post on tumblr like “get you somebody whos in the mood for you everyday” guess what I was in the mood for you everyday. I wanted to marry you and have a family the whole 9 yards. But you PUSHED me away and made me resent and hate you. Its wild how you sit there pretending to be a victim in all of this when you literally left me to figure shit out on my own for the fucking millionth time! Like you really thought i wasnt gonna get sick of your shit? You fucked me over and acted like it wasnt a big deal because you were playing savior to your family. That was the final straw for me. You constantly putting EVERYTHING before me, and our relationship. I never wanted to walk away but you left me no choice. You showed me your true colors time and time again, Id have to be a fucking idiot to keep letting you do this shit to me! I just want closure and to move on with my life after spending 10 years wasted on some fantasy relationship that was shit both times around! Same bullshit just 10 years apart. Id say i wish you the best but id be lying. I hope the day you decide to put your all into somebody they break your fucking heart like you did mine! I hope you learn what it feels like to put somebody first just for them to put you last when it really matters. I hope they walk out on you every time you make them upset! I hope you wake up one day and regret ever treating me this way and you have to live with that for the rest of your fucking life! Itll be no surprise to me if none of your future relationships work out if you continue to treat your significant others this way. Nobody wants to be neglected and treated like their replaceable.

[nishisun]

couples therapy w/ KUROO!

pairing: kenma kozume x reader

summery: y/n and kenma attend “couples therapy” little did y/n know, there would be a rather pleasant suprised.

genre: just fluff and tiny angst

a/n: this is really rushed because ik y’all are waiting for another dorm buddies part so i wrote this in the middle of the night cause i was bored. i hope you like it LWNAJDHAJDHD. also, i hate reading my works so if there’s any errors i apologize

[recording. patients: kenma kozume & l/n y/n]

[kuroo] hello, kenma-san, l/n-san. how are you both doing today?

[kenma] why are we doing this again?

[kuroo] well KENMA, i already told you, this is good for my training and even better for my resume!

[kuroo] back to the question, y/n-san?

[y/n] (sighs) to be honest, i could be better.

[y/n] uh, kuroo, no need for the honorific titles.

[kuroo] right. kenma?

[kenma] i’ve been.. okay.

[kuroo] okay, so, one of your close friends, kuroo-san i think it was, scheduled you both for this session in which you both agreed to take, am i right?

[y/n] ... aren’t you—

[kenma] ...

[y/n] (looks at kenma, and then sighs and looks back at kuroo) uh— yeah, we did.

[kuroo] okay so, first, i want to know the reasons why you both are here, starting with kenma.

[kuroo] kenma, why are you here today?

[kenma] because you forced me to

[kuroo] ...

[kuroo] A for effort kenma! but that’s not the only reason.

[kenma] well, i’m here to... better this relationship.

[kuroo] okay, why?

[kenma] ... what?

[kuroo] why do you want to better this relationship you have with y/n?

[kenma] ... i don’t know.

[y/n] (scoffs) kozume, really?

[kenma] (shrugs)

[kuroo] so, you don’t know why you want to better this relationship?

[kenma] ...

[kuroo] well, if that’s the case, why are you here? do you want y/n to leave?

[kenma] ...

[y/n] (scoffs) kuroo, thank you so much for attempting to help, but i think it’s just best i go—

[kenma] no! wait. please y/n, wait.

[y/n] kenma, you know i’m trying my best to be patient with you, but it seems to me like you’re not putting effort! i’ve really tried. i did. all i’m asking is to at least put some effort.

[kenma] i know, i know you are. i’m sorry.

[y/n] it’s fine, kozume.

[kuroo] alright then, kenma—

[kenma] i want to better this relationship... because i care about y/n. a lot.

[kuroo] and?

[kenma] and..? (looks at y/n) and uh.. because she makes me happy. i feel.. happier when she’s with me.

[kuroo] thank you so much for sharing. now, y/n, why are you here today?

[y/n] i’m here because i’m willing to give kenma and this relationship a second chance.

[kuroo] (writes notes) that’s very good to hear. thank you for sharing that.

[kuroo] now, it has come to my attention that you both are currently not together, am i right?

(kenma and y/n glance at each other)

[kenma] ...

[y/n] uh, yes, that’s true.

[kuroo] okay. (shuffles through notes) now, a week before you both came here, i asked you both to come here with a video—

[kenma] kuroo, maybe the video isn’t necessary—

[y/n] video? i wasn’t aware of a—

[kuroo] ah, yes. let me rephrase that. i asked kenma actually, he insisted.

[kenma] you forced me—

[kuroo] not important!

[y/n] kenma?

[kenma] (sighs) i... made a video... apologizing because i didn’t think you’d want to see me.. and i’m bad at communicating... kuroo thought it was a good idea.

[kuroo] would you like to see the video, y/n?

[y/n] yes please

[kuroo] okay, i’m just gonna leave and let you both watch the video.

[kenma] maybe i should come with you-

[kuroo] no. (slams door)

——

“okay, it’s recording!” kuroo says behind the camera, giving kenma a thumbs up.

“kuroo honestly, this seems stupid. i don’t even know what to say.”

“say whatever comes in your head. this is a great way for you to realize how important y/n is to you.” he reassures behind the camera. kenma gives kuroo an unsure look as he plays around with his fingers.

kenma sighs and gives kuroo a bored look as he’s adjusting the angle of the camera and once he catches kenma staring, he straightens up and sighs as well. “kenma, you’re not good with words. yes, i know this. making this video is a great way for you to release emotions that you’ve concealed. i know you may think it’s stupid right now, but you’ll be suprised how much you’ve said by the end of this. even if you decide to keep this video to yourself, you’ll feel better. trust me.”

kenma nods slightly, still giving kuroo an unsure look as he readjusted the camera once more.

“pretend i’m not even here!”

“i’m trying to but you keep talking.”

“right. i’ll stop”

“uh.. hi y/n. if you’re seeing this, i want you to know that I’m... sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most. I’m sorry for neglecting you in our relationship. I’m sorry that it took me so long to realize you were the one for me.” kenma looks down at the ground, pursing his lips and sighs. he looks behind the camera to see a smiling kuroo who’s shaking his head, signaling that kenma should keep going.

“I love you, so much. The truth is, I’m not very good at expressing my feelings, which you already know and you’ve accepted me for it. i just wanna tell you that i really do appreciate that. not a lot of people can handle someone like me and the fact that you could just proves how amazing you are.” kenma is looking everywhere but the camera. he looks up at the ceiling and smiles as he reminisces the first time he met you.

“When you first told me you loved me, I warned you, saying ‘You do know what you’re going to be dealing with, right?’ and you told me, and i remember, with a proud and positive voice you said , ‘Yes, I do. And i’m willing to have the best time with you, even if it’s going to end up being the best romance or the worst heart break.’” I laughed at that. You used to crack me up all the time. I missed that.

“Nowadays, I lay on my bed that used to be ours, staring at the wall for hours wishing you were there with me. Crazy, isn’t it? Because when you were with me I never wanted to do anything with you. Well, that’s not the case. It’s not that i didn’t want anything to do with you, i just... i don’t really know. As stupid as it sounds.. i didn’t think you deserved someone like me. You were— are still too good for me. I guess.. i always pushed you away because I wanted you to realize that.” kenma let’s out a silent laugh and sighs. He looks at kuroo for a brief moment and then looks away, fumbling with his fingers.

“uh... it’s been hard to do a lot of things without you lately. Remember when you’d always have to remind me to eat? Even though I pushed you away, you’d still try to get me to eat because you cared so much for my well-being. You always put me first and I hate myself for not doing the same when it came to you.”

“I miss you so much. I miss your voice. I miss everything about you and it hurts me so much that you’re gone... That I was the one that let you go. Everyday I lay in bed wondering if i should call you just to hear your voice. I wonder if you’d answer. Probably not. You probably hate me for letting you go. Trust me, I hate myself for it too. I hate that it took me actually letting you go for me to realize just how much i needed you.”

“It’s quiet at home. It doesn’t even feel like home without you, y/n. I miss the TV being on your favorite show at 9 in the morning as you’d sit on the couch with both our breakfast set on the table as you waited for me to wake up and eat with you.” kenma puts his hands on his face and sighs again for what seems like the hundredth time today.

“i’m an idiot.”

“kenma, no you aren’t. although you haven’t been.. the smartest recently, i’m happy you’re realizing your mistakes. you’re doing great by the way.” kuroo says, giving the faux blond a reassuring smile.

“thank you.” kenma nods.

“I’m sorry for all the pain I caused you. When I broke up with you, I hated the pained expression you had on your face. I thought I was doing what was best for you without even letting you have a say. You were begging me to not do this to you, but I didn’t listen.”

“I’m not trying to make this video to seek your forgiveness.. i’m probably not going to show this to you anyway. i’ll keep this as a lesson to not let go of the one person you love the most because i love you, y/n.”

“is that it?” kuroo asks,

“uh...” kenma thinks for a second, and then shakes his head “yeah. i think i’m done.”

—

By now you’re already tearing up. Tears of joy. You know how hard this must’ve been for Kenma but the fact that he was willing to step out of his comfort zone for you spoke volumes. He was sitting next to you, as you stared down at the phone that had already turned off covering your mouth and it’s your hands. Kenma didn’t know whether to comfort you, scared that you may reject his touch.

“i’m... sorry—“

“dont, kenma.” you sigh. kenma has a pained expression on his face.

You wipe your tears off your face and look up at him giving him a smile. Out of nowhere, a sudden urge of confidence came through you and you basically tackling him in a hug.

“you’re an idiot, you know that, right?”

“yeah, i know.” kenma huffs out a laugh as you chuckle. he hugs you back, gripping you tight with fear that this moment might end.

“i’ve missed you.” kenma places his head in the crook of your neck, inhaling your scent as he plays with his fingers that are wrapped around you.

“i’ve missed you too,” you break off the hug and sit up straight next to him. he’s looking at you— staring actually, you don’t think he’s aware of what he’s doing. “earth to kenma?” you wave your hand in front of his face and he rubs his eyes and chuckles.

“sorry.” he turns and faces forward, still having a small smile on his face.

“hey, what’s up with all of these apologies? are you gonna do something or not?”

kenma turns back to you in confusion, furrowing his brows and you cross your arms smirking, waiting for kenma to understand. Once he finally understands what you’re trying to say, he’s the one hugging you.

“will you take me back, y/n?” he asks— or mumbles. you don’t care though. he’s done enough today. what matters is that he tried. why wouldn’t you give him a second chance?

“of course i will, kozume.” you say, rubbing his back. “hey kenma,”

“hm?”

“a video, really?”

“shut up, i don’t want to talk about it. i just really missed you, okay.”

you laugh at that. you hear the door of that room open. it was kuroo, who was already having a smirk on his face. that idiot.

“a new couple in town, might i ask?”

“oh fuck off, kuroo.” kenma mumbles through your chest, you and kuroo laugh at how annoyed kenma seems.

“see kenma, i told you. chicks love romantic gestures.” kenma lifts his head up from where it’s resting in your chest and glares at kuroo.

“i wouldn’t say that was romantic, but it’s the thought that counts i guess!” you laugh, kenma turns back to look at you and you can’t help but laugh once again at kenma’s expressive facial expressions “but it was cute though. i loved it, baby.”

kenma drops his head back in your chest with a grumble and you caress his hair as kuroo crosses his arms and looks at you both with a smile.

“you guys are soulmates.” he says.

“you think so?”

“nah,” his shakes his head, “i know so.”

tags: @tazinva

[aliensunflower-fics]

In Defense of Salt AND Sugar: Aka ML Fandom pls chill out.

So I don’t talk much as those who follow me will say I tend to just stick to myself and my own things. HOWEVER, Ive gotten a lot of asks about why I write both Salt and Sugar for Miraculous Ladybug.

The short answer: Both salt and sugar are valid, fun, intriguing things to read and write and the point of writing is to entertain and be entertained.

The long answer: Salt isn’t inherently someone hating on your fav show and sugar isn't someone necessarily giving it a free pass either. Ya’ll are just dramatic as hell.

The LONGER answer:

I write salt because I LIKE Miraculous Ladybug, BUT the show has not lived up to its potential AT ALL. The show could be so much better and the characters are so flawed or full of holes that occasionally I feel FRUSTRATED and mad!

I hate that Alya a character who I was so excited about, gets shafted ignored, sidelined, or written like a jerk! She could have been this great detective working alongside her friend to unmask the villain, but instead she often comes across as pushy, obsessed with Ladynoir or Adrinette, and so damn easily tricked. Not to mention how when shes not gushing over her ‘ships’ shes pushed to the side and ignored. [or you know... LILA]

I hate that Marinette’s crush makes her do things that are so cringy and awkward i feel ill I hate that she’s constantly the only one making mistakes and ‘learning lessons’ when the show has all these other great characters that could use the spotlight and be the ones learning lessons. I hate that she’s so jealous and that she cant ever seem to catch a break as if the show is punishing her constantly.

I HATE that Adrien is a mary sue, how the writers say hes perfect and treat him as such, I hate that he gets to guilt Marinette into fixing everything and dealing with bullies, I wanted a funny, Ron Stoppable, naive boy who learns about real friendships and grows into a great partner. Instead he gets to be pushy and downright a jerk as Chat Noir ignoring his responsibilities, guilting Ladybug with his feelings, never taking no as an answer. He’s not a good role model for kids.

I hate that Chloe got built up to have a redemption arc several times only for the writers to decide that Chloe a teenage girl who needs some serious therapy [and actual reasonable punishment for her actions] is worse than Gabriel child abuse Agreste. She could have been a great lesson on compassion and growth and dealing with your own pain without hurting others. Instead the writers wrote her off completely.

And dont get me started on how the show treats Nino, Kagami, Luka and the rest of the cast. They may as well be a backdrop for the forced love square that we NEVER get a break from. Seriously I’m a sucker for romance but does it need to be EVERY damn episode?! Can’t we just get some wholesome friendship between everyone including Adrien and Marinette at this point like COME ON.

And i’m not even touching on the white washing, awful lessons on responsibility and forgiveness, awful lessons on well so much other stuff really, the guilt trips, the teacher, the fact that she show could be used to teach kids how to better handle negative emotions and the importance of open communication and not keeping quiet about injustice and/or your feelings but instead decided that the main priority should be a love square that gets force fed to us EVERY SINGLE EPISODE.

My point is the show has FLAWS. That doesn’t mean its the worse show ever and it doesn’t mean its not fun, and has a great premise and characters, and so when I write Salt I write it because i’m frustrated! Im frustrated with the show, with the characters, with the writing and so I vent that out with salt I write those characters as their worst selves because I cant stand how the show has decided to treat them and Im ANGRY and disappointed.

It feels good to write salt and to read it. It’s nice to see characters get called out for bad behavior, its nice to read about Adrien not getting the girl. Its nice to occasionally indulge in salt because it validates that the show is flawed and lets you get out that frustration.

BUT ON THE FLIP SIDE

Miraculous Ladybug is a lovely show. It’s a show that decided to give little girls a FEMALE HERO. And not just as a side kick or background character! No they made her the protagonist! Its so important to me that little girls see good well rounded female characters in media.

And even if the show is clumsy about it they are TRYING to build an expansive lore that tickles the theorist brain. And gets people invested in the world.

The show also made Marinette shy, and awkward, and clumsy something a lot of girls deal with during puberty as growing up can literally make you clumsier as your body adjusts. Having a character who tries to be positive and tries to find solutions who solves things with creativity instead of pure violence. Thats LOVELY for young girls to see.

Growing up I loved and admired Kim Possible, and probably would have loved Marinette, even if the shows not perfect I can admit its trying and I can see why people love it as much as they do! And why they write these fluffy sugary fics its the reason I WRITE fluffy sugary things.

Because even though I am frustrated and angry and disappointed with the show, I still see Alya’s potential and how great she is as representation to little girls who want a black female superhero so I write fluff where Alya’s loyalty, compassion, cleverness and her pursuit of justice are center stage.

I see how Adrien could be better and I want him to be better and I WANT him to be the naive funny comic relief the Ron Stoppable to Marinette’s Kim Possible. I want Adrien to grow and learn and spit in his dad’s face I want him to overcome the abuse and be happy. To show people that neglect and abuse doesn’t mean you will get stuck like that forever, that you can overcome that and be a better kinder person.

I want Nino and Kagami, and Luka and Chloe and the class to grow and get attention and have funny moments I want to laugh and make other people laugh! So I write prompts focused around comedy and shenanigans and where the characters get to be fun and silly and make decisions for themselves!

SO IN CONCLUSION:

I write salt AND sugar. I see the value and merit in both sides of the coin, and I respect how other people see the show. I know its easy to get angry with other people in the fandom who see the show differently then you do but please can we put down the weapons and just BREATHE.

Someone who writes salt might LOVE the same show as you, and they might in fact love it so much that they vent their frustrations in angst and salt and cracky fics. Let them vent about how they wish the show was better, leave their tags alone or block them if you cant stand to see it. But dont attack salt writers for ‘hating on your show’ when they might love it just as much as you do but want a way to vent out their feelings.

On the flip someone who writes sugar might NOT be forgiving the show for its flaws, they might see all the same flaws as you but decide to take that frustration and write fluff and fix it fics and sugar because they want to indulge in a version of their favorite show where everything is just... OK. Where everyone is well written and happy and the character development sticks. Stay out of their tags let them have their sugar, they aren't writing it to hurt you just like you don't write salt to hurt them.

So ENOUGH. Enough hunting each other down, enough sending each other hate, enough filling each others tags. Let people write SALT if they feel angry and vengeful and disappointment, let them have their tags, let them explore the dark side of the characters, let them rant and rave and be HURT when the characters they love upset them with their actions. Its not your place to tell them to stop, to tell them their feelings are invalid, to tell them that ‘adrien is sweet sunshine boy how dare you’ or ‘alya would never’ or ‘i hate your marinette leaves dupont au’. Just leave it be, heed the tags, and let it go.

AND ENOUGH. Enough hunting each other down, enough sending each other hate, enough filling each other tags. Let people write SUGAR if they just want something to feel happy about. Let them makes coffee shop au’s, let them make fix it fics where everything is just happy without needing 8 pages of backstory for why everything is just happy. Let them squeal and gush and talk about the ship they like and the fluff they see. Its not your place to argue with them that the show is flawed, its not cool to ruin their fun by accusing them of not understanding the flaws, to tell them ‘umm actual this character shouldn’t get to be happy’ or ‘wow this is so shallow’. Just leave it be, heed the tags, and let it go.

PS: Now with that said and done. I do have one final message for everyone - If you write/enjoy pedophilia, if you sexualize KIDS. Then get the fuck out of fandom spaces, stop fucking following me, and do everyone salt and sugar a favor by LEAVING. Your pedophilia and child sexualization aint wanted, aint ok, and I will fight you.

PSS: IF YOU HATE WHAT IVE SAID ABOUT SUGAR AND SALT FINE OK I RESPECT YOU REGARDLESS. ENJOY THE SHOW, STAY CLASSY, DONT HURT PEOPLE BECAUSE THEY HAVE A DIFFERENT OPINION.

[ryujin-pov]

hey ryu!! i have a question and i need your opinion on this. recently i've been stressed out for my exams and my upcoming national exams, i studied really hard and became super stressed. my parents and my teachers have super high expectations for me since i was in one of the best classes but the thing is, i have no confidence in myself. nowadays, i get sick easily with no reason and i would cry out of nowhere at random parts of the day. what do you think is going on with me based on what i just said? i hate this feeling so much, i dont know if it's due to stress or mental health issues but i really need an opinion on this.

[ ✔ SEEN 12:31 P.M ]

This is a good question. It'll be easier for me to tell to just take things on your own pace, but we both know it's harder than it sounds— especially if people are expecting you to ace everything. Much like to how I am right now, an idol, things are always set to perfect-quality performance, but people often forget that I'm a human too. So are you!

Academic performance is one of the most important things to ace in life, but that only comes second with having a good mental state. In your case, you're already overheating from the things that you're doing and you're expected to do. Take a breather, pause. Never do things for the sake of other people's pleasure and entertainment, do it solely because you wanted to achieve better things in life. I know you also wanted to be one of the top students there despite being watched 24/7, but that doesn't mean you should neglect yourself. I suggest that you chop your day into smaller pieces so you'll know what to do first and do next. I suggest that you do the harder tasks first before the easier ones, so that you'll have more time to deal with the heavier tasks than rushing them to get done. Just like to what I do most of the time, I chop my day like: Morning, Afternoon, and evening. And in some cases, I add midnight too if my tasks gets cramped up.

Please don't forget to eat, sleep, and do some of your favorite hobbies while you're resting. You can't achieve bigger things in life, if the simple ones like meantal health is neglected 🥲🥲

[ ✅ SENT 12:47 P.M ]