#and i hate that when i express my symptoms the people i love get worried and the doctor just doesnt care

[pandorxxx]

Just alittle taste

Lo’ak (20) x omatikayan fem reader (21)

Warnings: SMUT THE HOUSE, spitting, cursing, p in v, oral, intense orgasms, multiple orgasms, praise kink (HEAVYYYY), reader in heat, creampie.

🔞Minors, do not interact🔞

“How’s my mother and father?” Neteyam asked over the earpiece he gave to you.

“They’re doing well, I just left their hut. We all miss you, my love.” You spoke softly, as you paced back and forth by the pond.

“Enough about us, how is the hunters retreat going for you.” You smiled, looking out into the water.

“Oh, it’s great y/n! I’m glad that they chose me to be a teacher this year. I love working with the kids. They’re all so eager to learn.” Neteyam expressed excitedly. You were so happy for him. All he’s ever wanted to do was help people, and now he was finally able to do it.

“I’m glad, baby! I’m so proud of you!” You chuckled, grinning ear to ear. He sighed before speaking.

“How are you? Do you have symptoms yet?” Neteyam asked hesitantly. Your smile immediately dropped as the anxiety flooded in. Your heat was arriving any day now, and you could feel it. Neteyam had been tracking it ever since he left, praying to eywa that it wouldn’t come until he got back.

“Neteyam, I-I can feel it getting closer.” You muttered over the earpiece. He sighed again.

“I’ll be home in 2 days. Hopefully it doesn’t come until then. I would hate for you to be alone.” Neteyam muttered in defeat. You sighed, thinking about the possibility that you could spend this heat alone. You had gotten so used to Neteyam handling you that you never really had much to worry about.

“Yes, hopefully. Listen, get back to the children, I’ll be fine here.” You smiled, reassuring him not to worry about you. Silence consumed the conversation as he thought long and hard about the current situation that you two were in.

“o-ok. I will page you in the morning. Hopefully everything is still fine.” He sighed, and you could hear his nervousness over the ear piece.

“Don’t worry Neteyam, I will be ok.” You reassured him, now walking towards your hut.

“I love you, y/n. I’m coming back for you soon.” He said calmly, and you could hear the smile in his voice.

“I love you too. I will be here waiting.” You bit your lip, grinning as you turned the earpiece off. You finally made it to your hut, throwing the earpiece on the table as you plopped down on the cot. You ran your hands through your hair in frustration as you laid your elbows on your thighs.

You didn’t want to worry Neteyam because this was his time to have fun, and do what he loved. But you couldn’t deny how you were feeling, so you suffered in silence for him. The truth is, you knew your heat was very near, and you were frightened by that. You hadn’t been alone during your heat since your were 18.

“Hey y/n, have you seen my b- woah.” Lo’ak rushed in, but was quickly distracted by your scent. He held his hand infront of his nose, squinting his eyes before walking closer to you. You looked up at him anxiously.

“Is it that strong already?” You asked, throwing your head into your hands in embarrassment. Lo’ak noticed your discouragement, and he plastered a fake smile across his face.

“No! I was joking.” He chuckled nervously, as you lifted your head slowly to glare at him.

“When is Neteyam coming back, I think you need his help.” He laughed, sitting on the cot next to you. You snapped your head at him, raising an eyebrow.

“Uhhh is it really that obvious?” You shifted to face him, crossing your legs on the cot as you waited for an answer. He scanned your body, almost hypnotized by your scent.

“I-um.” He sighed before starting again. “I can smell it on you. Your heat is coming, right?” He asked calmly, moving alittle closer. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was making his move. And if you were in your right mind, you would have smacked him back into reality, but you weren’t.

“It’ll be here any day now, but Neteyam will be back soon.” You spoke softly, eyeing him up and down, as he did the same.

“Mhm, how soon?” He replied, placing his hand on your knee as he looked you in your desperate eyes. You looked at his hand, and trailed back up to his eyes. You tilted your head at him as you watched his hand slide up to your thigh, massaging it gently. You hated to say it but you were enjoying this, but you convinced yourself it was only because of your current state.

You shook your head, quickly snapping out of your trance before gently pushing lo’aks hand away.

“Really soon.” You smiled sarcastically, dropping his hand in his lap. He chuckled, looking at his hand and then back at you.

“Yeah, we’ll see. Hopefully he makes it in time.” He glared at you before trailing down to your loincloth. He stood up swiftly, walking out of the door, closing it behind him. You let out a sigh of relief, shutting your eyes tightly as you fell back onto your cot.

“FUCK!” You shouted in frustration as you realized your heat was making you feel things for lo’ak. You had to stay away from him for the next couple of days, or you two would end up doing something that you would regret later. You sighed, closing your eyes as you drifted off to sleep.

Your eyes shot opened, and your blurry vision set in. You felt sweat pouring off of your body, making your hair, and cloths soaked. You sat up quickly, looking at the lines of sunlight coming through the cracks of your hut.

“Shit!” You shouted, realizing that you overslept. You heard the earpiece going off, meaning that Neteyam was trying to reach you.

“Y/N?? Y/N!” Neteyam yelled through the earpiece. You got off of the cot slowly, immediately falling to the ground, and that’s when you realized that your heat started. You crawl over to the table, whimpering in agony. You grabbed the earpiece, placing it around your neck before pressing the button.

“h-hello, my love.” You spoke breathlessly, leaning against the leg of the table. You could hear him silently cursing over the speaker.

“Shit Y/n! Did it come?” He asked, all-knowingly. You shook your head as if he could see you before perking your voice up.

“No! What? I’m completely fine!” He chuckled, wiping the sweat out of your eyes.

“Do you forget how well I know you? Stop lying to me!” He growled, making you jump. You felt your face grow hot, as tears started to well in your eyes.

“It is here, Neteyam. I-I’m sorry! Can you come back? Please! I need you.” You cried through a cracked voice. He was silent as he listened to you weep in his ear.

“Y/n, I am so sorry. I-I can’t come back right now. I should’ve never left you!” He muttered through tears. You shook your head again, wiping your tears away.

“No, no. I will be strong neteyam. I just need some help.” You replied breathlessly.

“I will talk to my grandmother. She will treat you, ok? No need to worry. Just hold on, y/n!” He spoke urgently, before you didn’t hear him anymore. You cried silently, crawling back over to the cot as you used it to pull you up. You grunted the whole way, until you finally got back into the cot.

“Y/N! baby?” You heard through the earpiece. You lazily pushed the button. “Mhmm” was all you could get out, as you shook violently in a pool of your own sweat.

“Mo’at and kiri are busy with other warriors, so they are sending lo’ak to take care of you.” Neteyam spoke urgently. The last part of his sentence echoed through your mind.

Sending lo’ak to take care of you…

Your whole world came crashing down because you knew that you wouldn’t be able to control yourself.

“NO! No I’ll be fine. I don’t need him to come! He probably has other things to do, I don’t want to be a burden.” You chuckled breathlessly as you tossed and turned in pain.

“What is the matter with you? YOU NEED HELP Y/N!” Neteyam replied sternly.

“I hate that I can’t be there to help you. But lo’ak promised that he would take good care of you today.” Neteyam explained. You rolled your eyes, almost hearing lo’ak saying that to Neteyam.

Oh don’t worry bro! I’ll take really good care of her!

“Just let him help you…please.” Neteyam whispered in defeat, pleading with you to listen to him. You clenched your jaw, shutting your eyes tightly before answering.

“Yes, Neteyam.” You muttered, balling up Into a fetal position. He sighed in relief.

“I need you to be strong, baby. I’ve gotta go but I’ll check in as soon as I can. I love you, y/n.” Were the last words he spoke, leaving you completely empty. You took the earpiece off of your neck, laying it next to you as you moaned in agony. The sadness you felt turned into anger.

How could he just send lo’ak to come take care of you? Did he not know that this was a recipe for disaster? His mate in heat with his horny younger brother? Nothing could possibly go wrong.

You were becoming delirious, uttering gibberish as you tossed and turned on the cot. You began to get really hot, to the point you felt like you couldn’t breath in the stuffy hut of yours. You could’nt take it anymore as you tried to stand, being semi successful. You wobbled to the door just so you could get some fresh air. As soon as you opened the door, you were met with lo’aks chest, as he glared down at your trembling body.

“Hey, mama. You look…..wet.” He said sarcastically, scanning your sweaty body. Your jaw was trembling, causing your teeth to click rapidly as you looked up at him with teary eyes.

“I-I wanted to get some f-fresh air.”You stuttered, shaking violently as you desperately tried to keep your balance. He smiled down at you, opening the door further as he stepped in to put the supplies down. He came behind you, placing his strong hands on your shoulders as you stood in the doorway, letting the air cool you off.

“Better?” He asked in your ear. His voice scratched your eardrum just right, making your knees buckle under you. He quickly grabbed you, throwing you over his shoulder as he slammed the door shut. He walked over to your cot, placing you down gently before examining your current state. He hovered over you, placing his fists on either sides of your head. He watched you moan and whimper in agony as sweat poured off of your body.

“Neteyam told me to come help you. Do you want my help, y/n?” He asked, searching for your eye contact as he caressed your waist gently.

“Neteyam doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” You strained, wiggling from the pain you were feeling. Lo’ak raised his eyebrow, grinning at you. You rolled your eyes, growling at him before speaking.

“I do NOT need your help. Thank you for the supplies, but you can go now.” You said shakily, lightly pushing his hand away from your waist.

He scanned your soaking wet loincloth, trailing up to your now red eyes. “You’re telling me one thing, but this body of yours…” he started, trailing his hand down your stomach to your loincloth, gripping your cunt, making you moan out loud.

“Is telling me something completely different.” He tilted his head at you, slowly sliding his hand into your loincloth. He watched your face contort in pleasure, as you tried your best to resist.

“Just a little taste. Neteyam doesn’t have to know, mama.” He nodded his head to reassure you that this was a secret between you and him. You nodded too, locking eyes with him as he played with your clit.

“Mmm j-just alittle taste?” You asked, throwing your head back in pleasure. “Just a little taste, I promise.” He smiled, pulling your loincloth off of your hips, throwing it to the side. He immediately bent down, French kissing your cunt, before sucking your clit.

“Mmm fuck!” You cried, trembling more than ever. He rubbed your thighs to calm you down as he devoured you. He lifted up alittle, spitting on your cunt, letting it cascade down your sore clit. He went back to work, sloppily eating you again as he glared at you. The scene beneath you was too much for you to handle as you tried to scoot back.

He yanked you back down by your thighs, engulfing both of your hands with just one of his. “I’m not done yet.” He growled into your cunt, sending overwhelming waves of pleasure through your body.

“Lo’aaak I-I!” you whimpered, twitching with every flick of his tongue. He looked up at you, showing his fangs before nibbling at your clit.

“Wassup, mama?” He muttered, gripping your hands tighter as he knew you were about to lose it. His husky voice sent you over the edge. You shook uncontrollably, squirting all over his face as you screamed in pleasure.

“Yeeessss!” Your voice trailed as you released all over him. He sat up on his knees, face dripping in your essence as he caught his breath. You panted loudly, looking to the roof of the hut. You were afraid to look at him, afraid that you might do the unthinkable, and he knew.

“Y/n, look at the mess you made.” He grinned, wiping his face with his hands before bending down to lick your thighs clean. You inhaled sharply, feeling his fangs graze your flesh.

“J-Just a little taste r-remember?” You asked, still trembling from your heat. Still wanting more. Still needing more.

“I don’t know, y/n. You’re not looking too good.” He replied sarcastically, untying his loincloth slowly, throwing it to the side. You knew what was happening but you refused to look at him.

“Oooohhh, y/nnnn!” he sung, tapping his cock on your sensitive clit as he grinned at you. Your back arched slightly, letting out a soft moan.

“Just the tip.” He spoke softly, rubbing his cock in between your soaked folds. You bucked your hips, rolling them for the right amount of friction against his hard cock.

“Mmm j-just the tip?” You whimpered, finally looking into his eyes. He bit his lip, glaring at you with nothing but lust.

“Just the tip, mama.” He smiled before slowly sliding the tip of his cock inside of you. Your body disobeyed you, pushing yourself down onto him until your pelvises touched.

“Shitttt!” You muttered, shaking violently as your eyes rolled back. He felt you clenching around him already, smirking at your attempts to use him as your own personal fuck toy.

“Beg for it.” Lo’ak growled, gripping your waist as he thrusted into you at a painfully slow pace. You shook your head from side to side frantically. He chuckled at your stubbornnesses, stopping his movement all together. You gripped his arm, begging him with your eyes. He rolled his eyes, thrusting into you at a steady pace.

“That’s good enough, baby.” He grunted, speeding up his pace, angling his hips upward to hit your sweetspot every time.

“Yesss!!! Right there! Don’t stop!” You cried, tears streaming down your face as he massaged your sweetspot with his swollen tip.

He slid his hand up to your neck, gripping it tightly before pulling you up to his face. He kissed your lips passionately as he feed you hard, deep strokes. With every thrust, your body shook from the sensitivity.

“Mmm lo’aaaak!” You whined into the kiss, feeling the knot in your stomach tighten.

“Yes, mama?” He asked breathlessly, shifting the position to you straddling him as he held your waist. He laid his head on your chest, as you held onto him tightly. Moans filling the room as you got closer and closer to your breaking point.

“I-I caaannt!” You cried, inhaling sharply as you buried your head into his neck. He rubbed your back, bouncing you down onto him at a steady pace.

“Yes you can, it’s ok. It’s just a little taste, remember? He won’t find out.” Lo’ak grunted, kissing your shoulder. It felt so good, yet so wrong. You held onto him tighter as you got closer.

“Fuck I’m cumming!!!” You screamed, shaking in his arms as he held you to keep you calm.

“Let it out, mama. It’s ok, you’re ok!” He moaned , licking your neck as he thrusted into you slowly, helping you ride out your high.

You fell limp in his arms. You felt some relief, but you just needed alittle more. Just alittle taste.

“Lo’ak i need m-“ he cut you off with a kiss to the lips. He pulled back, pushing your wet hair out of your face.

“I know what you need. Just alittle more right?” He ask, grabbing your chin gently. You pouted, nodding at him as tears threatened to fall from your eyes.

“Hey, no need to cry, I got you. I’m going to take the pain away.” He reassured you, wiping your tears. He went to pull out of you to change positions, but you clenched around him, crying loudly. You hugged him again, gripping his neck tightly as you trembled in his arms.

“Please…” you whispered, shutting your eyes tightly. He smirked, patting your back gently.

“So needy, mama.” He chuckled, walking over to the wall, pinning you against it.

“How do you want it?” He asked in a low, husky voice. You looked at his lips, trailing your eyes back up to meet his gaze.

“From the back…” you replied trailing your dainty hands down his abs. He bit his lip, placing his hand above you head as he held you up with his other arm.

“Are you gonna be a good girl, and let me pull out? Huh?” He asked, thrusting into you gently as he planted kisses all over your neck.

“Mhmm!” You nodded frantically, holding onto his shoulders. He pulled out, quickly turning you towards the wall.

“Pleaseee!” You plead, grabbing his arm from behind, pulling his body closer to you. He bent down to your ear, kissing it before speaking.

“That’s what I like to hear, mama.” He whispered, slamming back into you. Your knees buckled, and he quickly grabbed you, pinning you in between him and the wall. He rolled his hips into you, massaging your sweetspot with every thrust. You held the wall as tight as you possibly could, as you felt him speed up the pace.

“mmm f-feels so good!” You moaned deliriously as you rested your head on the wall. The pleasure was so intense that you couldn’t feel your legs anymore. You slowly slid down the wall spazzing in his arms, as he tried to keep you up.

“I thought this was what you wanted y/n?” He asked sarcastically, flipping you back around, pulling your legs around his waist as he slid back into you. He thrusted into you fast, deep, and hard as he watched you squirm in his arms.

“too much, too much!” You screamed, climbing up the wall to get away from him as the overwhelming amount of pleasure was consuming you. He pulled you back down, holding your hands above your head as he thrusted into you with no remorse. Each stroke sending you an overload of pleasure.

“Ahh! You’re gonna make me cum again!” You whined, arching your back off of the wall. He kissed your exposed neck again, holding your hands tighter.

“I know i know! Just let it out, I’m right behind you.” He moaned, licking the hickeys that he left on your neck. He thrusted into you one good time, leaving it there for a moment as he rolled his hips again. Your mouth flew opened, as a single tear fell down your face. He nodded, biting his lip as he watched you lose it.

“Its ok, you’re doing so fucking good!” He moaned, kissing your bottom lip. Your eyes crossed, as you twitched with each thrust. Your juices were flowing down his legs, hitting the ground beneath him. You gasped for air, but nothing was happening. He quite literally, took your breath away.

“Come on, mama! You can do it, wake up!” He slapped your cheek lightly before shaking your entire face. In an instant, you gasped loudly, falling into his chest as he chased his own orgasm. You held onto him tightly, whimpering in his arms.

“You’re being such a good girl. I’m almost done!” He grunted kissing your shoulder again as he felt the knot in his stomach tightening. To your surprise, you felt the familiar knot in your stomach for the 4th time today.

“Lo’ak, I’m gonna cum again!” You cried, tears streaming down your face as you clang to his neck .

“It’s ok, mama! Cum as many times as you need to!” He groaned in your ear, nibbling on it as his thrusts became sloppier. You started shaking again, whining loudly as you came undone for the 4th time.

“Mmm Fuck!!” He growled painting your walls with a few quick thrusts. You held him closer, rolling your hips into his so you could receive every drop of him. Immediately, the fog of your heat was lifted for the time being. You and lo’ak panted loudly, looking into each others eyes.

“t-this can never happen again.” You said breathlessly in between panting. He glared at you, trailing his hand up to your neck, gripping it tightly. He kissed your lips sloppily, swapping spit with you before pulling away to speak.

“Maybe just a little taste…”

One thing imma make sure I do is write lo’ak gooooodddd. Please expect some eye rolling, toe curling, eye crossing, leg shaking orgasms everytime I write a lo’ak fanfic🤭. As always, I love y’all to death, and I’ll talk to y’all later❤️

Outtie❤️🖖🏾,

Pandorxx

Taglist:

@number1gal @loak-bae @tiredmamaissy @neytirishottie @viajaeger @terrorthewolf @lethargicluv @reyzzsostellar @pullandhug @ameliestsblog @m0nst3rfk3r @agelsully @jakescumdump @wekiamo @st-cass @cleardonutangelwagon @tsireqas @satanlovedays @afro-hispwriter @thecutieyahia

[tiredtogepi]

A Lady & Her Hounds

Chapter 1

The Hound x Fem!Reader (Jon Arryn's daughter; Sabrina)

This chapter contains: Fluff | Brat

Word count: 1146

*this is my first GOT fan fiction. There are many chapters with mostly fluff, some angst, and mature content ;) I hope that someone will read it and enjoy it*

Dogs have always fascinated you. The way they create bonds, love their humans, their loyalty, and friendliness. Being Jon Arryns daughter was not bad but, you felt left out most of the time since he married Lysa and their son was born. That's when the dogs came into your life. Some Lord from the north had offered puppies from his newest litter as a gift for your name day. Your father wasn't so happy about it, but he let you keep it so you could finally have some company. Initially, you had 3 dogs, but a few years later after contacting more breeders, you found yourself with a pack of 15 dogs.

You took your time to train them for protection during the conflict between the Mad King and Robert Baratheon. They obeyed you well, they looked out for you, but most of all they loved you, their loyalty was not questionable and they would give their life to save you. When the war was over your father was named hand of the king and you all moved to the Red Keep. You had begged your father to take at least some of your dogs but he wouldn't allow it. Luckily you were close enough to the working staff in The Eyrie to make sure they were well taken care of.

When you arrived at King’s Landing, King Robert made sure to have a feast in honor of the new hand and his family. He was a big man that had fought many battles and almost kept his intimidating factor intact, if it weren’t for the extra pounds he gained. What surprised you is that there were still knights protecting him.

During the feast the conversation around you was like some faded-out noise, but someone caught your attention. A tall man with a half-burned face and intense brown eyes. It was interesting to look at him, especially because of some slight facial expressions he made out of distaste for the conversations around, just like you.

"Ha! Lady Sabrina, I know about your interests in dogs but I didn't realize this one would interest you too!" Robert pointed at the man he was able to catch you staring at.

You blushed as that man at glanced at you.

"Pardon, your grace, I was lost in my thoughts." You gave a quick answer trying to avoid more embarrassment.

"No need for apologies. Sandor Clegane is a tough-looking man, our Hound!" The drunk king was getting more excited by the second. "Tell me Lady Sabrina, if we put your hounds and my hound in the arena against each other, which one would take the win?" He laughed and started choking on his own wine.

"I don't think any hound deserves to be put in that situation. I find it very distasteful, your grace." You stood up and bowed to the king while he laughed at your audacity.

"Are you leaving us already?" Robert inquired

"Yes, your grace. I am unwell, maybe I had too much wine." You were already slowly stepping away.

"Would you like to see the master?" your father asked, he always worried about your health, since your mother passed away from a terrible and silent disease, so any little symptom you had he would take it very seriously.

"No, thank you father, I will go get some books at the maester's library. If I need assistance I will call for it." You bowed lightly and as you turned your back the king spoke

"Clegane, accompany the lady to her chambers. She had a little much to drink and might need some help"

You rolled your eyes as you walked out and heard footsteps coming towards you. This is what you hated about this place. Too many people telling you what to do, keeping an eye on you, and always so many rules on what you can and can't do.

As you went to turn into the next hallway to the library Clegane stepped in front of you. You tried to go around him but he kept blocking your way.

"The king said to take you to your chambers." His tone was serious.

"Maybe you misheard it, but I need to get some books first." You tried to move away from him. He ignored you and kept blocking your way.

You tried to keep yourself composed since you had much anger and frustration stored inside you since coming to the king's landing. You took a big breath trying for the last time to be polite.

"Ser.."

"I'm no Ser."

"Seven hells! Let me go get my fucking books!" Maybe it was the alcohol that gave you the courage to raise your voice and push him out of the way, even though he didn't move an inch.

Apparently, that was amusing enough for him to let you go while he subtly smirked. You finally reached the maesters' library. The Hound stood by the entrance. You took a book, then another, then as you went to get the third book you had an idea.

"Ahem!" You cleared your throat to get his attention. He looked at you as you repeatedly looked down at the heavy books on your arms and up at him.

He scoffed and took your books.

''Wait, there's more!" You said it innocently as he turned around and you decided to find 2 of the heaviest books on forestry and wildlife and put it on top of the pile he was already carrying. He grunted.

"We can go now!" You said innocently, knowing you were being a brat. Honestly alcohol didn’t give you the best ideas.

As you found yourself by your chamber door, Clegane leaned down to hand you the books. You stepped away, opening the door to your room.

"Could you place them inside on that little table?" This time you weren't trying to be inconvenient, but there was no way you could carry all that weight.

Clegane tried to hide his annoyance. He thought you were just another spoiled highborn like Joffrey or Cersei. He placed the books on the table aggressively. You tried to walk around the table to accompany him to the door, but you tripped on one of your book piles on the floor and fell with your face on the big man's chest. He didn't move, you put your hands on his chest to get back on your feet.

"Pardon me...I think I've had too much to drink." You mumbled. He looked down to stare at you making sure you didn't get hurt on his armor. You blushed and looked away as he started to leave.

"Why do they call you The Hound?" You asked as he was almost by the door. He stopped and didn't turn around.

"Why do you care?" He grunted.

"What should I call you then?"

"Don't call me." He replied as he walked away.

[v3nusxsky]

I'm ill at the moment so I was wondering if you could do a lesso or larissa (your choice) where r is sick and tries to hide it by still teaching but the other notices and looks after them

Let me look after you| h&c

*Authors note~ I hope this provides some comfort for anyone who needs it, it's providing me comfort by writing it. Dt ~ rip ems🥺🤭*

Trigger warnings~ sick r mentions of being sick

Prompt~see ask.^^^^^

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You hate being sick, that's a fact. But this time it was even worse because you couldn't find your special bear. You normally kept him on the shelf by your bed but you'd not been able to find him for the last week. It didn't bother you so much when you were feeling okay. But now you were sick you would be lying to say you didn't want to curl up into bed with him and sleep the aches and pains away.

Instead you decided to push through the pain, you woke up after Larissa left for her office, with coughs that were wrecking your lungs so much so you thought they'd collapse. Your nose running like a facet and your head pounding as if it was being beaten with a spiked bat. You tried to shift into a sitting position as your aching muscles protested your vision started to blur. How on earth did you think you'd get through the rest of the day?

You knew if Larissa knew you were sick she'd excuse you and herself from classes and work and she'd take care of you. But you don't like being sick and inconveniencing people especially Larissa. She loves her job and she is amazing at it, you know of the stress it brings so why would you bother her with a silly little cold?

You somehow dragged yourself from the sheets sipped on water and took some medicine for the symptoms, stuffing your pockets off tissues you set off for your class. Thankfully most had mid exams so you'd not have to worry about your scratchy throat being overused too much. You'd only got through one period and you felt like death warmed up. You were pretty sure you'd have no voice at the end of the day even with the minimal talking you were doing.

Your dry crackly cough was screwing with Wednesdays concentration, a quick glance around the room showed many other students shooting you concerned looks. So of course Wednesday had to be the one to abruptly leave the classroom before you could even finish your fit of coughing.

Larissa knew you were stubborn but to think of you struggling to work in your condition made her heart constrict at Wednesdays words. Despite her monotone voice and lack of facial expression, Larissa knew Wednesday was also concerned for your health. The young Addams seem to have a soft spot for you so she thanked her and went on her way to find you.

The class ended and students left before you collapsed taking in the papers, the sickness now raging on with a fever that was borderline dangerous. That's how Larissa found you. "Darling? Oh god my love you have to stop being so stubborn"she murmured scooping up your collapsed body. She gently carried you to your joint bedroom before sending a quick email to others letting them know you needed covering and Larissa would be working from "home."

You began to stir moaning in pain as you felt the uncomfortable heat of your fever raging on. "Ris" you whimpered before your eyes were even open. "I'm here darling can I take your temperature?" You whimpered allowing her to touch your forehead. "Darling, it's much to high let's go cool you off, get some medicine for you and you can sleep all cuddled up with me. How does that sound love?"  Larissa didn't even wait for your sleepy hum of approval before getting you a cool bath and some medicine to fight the illness.

She was careful but quick and it wasn't long before you were cuddled up on her chest in one of her big t shirts that she would always deny owning if asked. "Mmm sorry mm sick" you whimpered only to be hushed by the blonde. "Hush sweetheart, sleep now okay?" You immediately clung to her in your feverish haze, "stay." Larissa couldn't help but chuckle, "of course darling, I'm here now rest."

Word count~ 739

[macravishedbymactavish]

A Symptom of Being Human (John "Soap" Mactavish x GN! Reader)

Look at me cleaning up my drafts with 2 finished WIPs in one night.

TW for very light angst and a very concerned Soap

| Blog HQ | Modern Warfare 2 Masterlist |

"You dinnae look happy" a voice commented as you walked into the shared kitchen. You spared him a shrug as you continued quietly to the cupboards, looking for your cup to make a warm drink in.

"What's bothering ye? You can talk to me, I don't bite" The corner of your mouth twitched at that, while he could be loud, and border the line of obnoxious his heart was in the right place.

"Would you believe me if I told you it's just how I look?" You glanced over your shoulder, watching as he slowly squinted at you. Clearly not buying it.

"Just my face, Irish Spring. I'm having a really good day actually" you shrugged once more, ignoring his protests mumbled from under his breath about the nickname. ('M not even Irish…)

As far as you could remember, you were always having people checking in on your wellbeing. Friends, distant family, caring strangers, store clerks, and teammates. Your normal expression clearly wasn't welcoming and optimistic. It was the opposite actually - you looked like you hated the world and everyone in it at all times.

"But you look miserable" You appreciated his concern, but didn't need him worrying about you. Pausing slightly, you shook your head before glancing over at your friend.

"The face looks upset, the soul feels good. Do you want a coffee?" You lightly chuckled, grabbing another mug out of the cabinet when he accepted your offer.

--

"You're concerning Soap" Ghost confided to you later that day, following a sparring session between the two of you. "He's convinced you're depressed and not telling him everything"

You couldn't help but playfully roll your eyes, you loved your teammate. You really did, but he was so overly concerned for nothing.

"I've told him, it's just my face. I don't know what more I can do, outside of wearing a mask like my resting bitchfaced friend" you smirked at Simon, watching him copy the action you had just done a moment prior.

"You know 'im as well as I do, he's not going to suddenly stop being concerned. Especially since he thinks you're devastated about something and hiding it" Simon had a point...shit.

It was at dinner that night, when you felt a pair of eyes burning a hole in the side of your head. You had a fairly good guess at who was on the other end so you continued eating.

How many times do I need to tell him I'm fine? It's just. My. Face.

You opted against entertaining the concerned stare, in favour of continuing your meal. Making small bits of conversation with your table mates between bites. That was until you heard a soft, yet obnoxious shuffling getting closer. He wouldn't.

"Hey guys" Kyle awkwardly greeted, placing his tray down at one of the empty chairs across the table from you. "Thought I'd sit here, change of pace" you arched a brow at the man, seeing right through his change of pace.

You continued picking at your food, waiting for the question to be asked. Waiting for the confirmation that Kyle didn't come by to just hang out. Glancing up at him every so often, you watched as the man sat awkwardly across from you. Shoulders stiff as he sat.

"You can tell Johnny that I'm fine" you commented after another moment of silence. "And you don't have to stay if you don't want to"

He gave you a small smile before picking his tray up and returning to his main group. Leaving you to roll your eyes, and audibly groan when you felt another tray land beside you.

"No. I'm eating, you do not get to badger me about this now" voice trailing off as your eyes met those of the confused recruit. "Nevermind, I honestly thought you were someone else"

Poking at the food for a second longer, your appetite leaving the chat after you potentially scarred the poor stranger. Dumping the remnants of your tray into the trash, you sighed softly as you continued on to your room.

3 steps from your door, you heard a familiar voice call out to you. Jogging up to meet you before you passed the threshold.

"Are ye sure you're okay?" He asked, leaning against the wall in front of you. You debated whether or not to call him out on his dinner plan, and involving Kyle in all of this madness. Deciding against it in the moment, you went with a simple:

"I'm fine, Johnny. I promise I'd tell you if I wasn't" followed by a small smile, almost missing the unfocused gaze he was giving you.

Almost.

The two of you sat in silence, a rarity for the man in front of you. The team could've swore he was allergic to silences unless required for work. Always chattering about something, making silly jokes or teasing his friends. But right now? He sat silently, unmoving. Eyes staring right through you as his mind was clearly not within range. You lifted your hand to wave it in front of his face, then it clicked. The reason why he was so concerned for you. The moment passed as soon as it began, quickly blinking and refocusing on you.

"I know you would, I still worry for ye though" a small punch to the shoulder, and he was making his way down the hallway. Leaving you standing in place, eyebrows furrowed with the latest revelation. How did you never realize this before? Turning to stop him, to sit him down and ensure he was alright, you were met with an empty corridor.

Frozen in place, you ignored the dull ache growing behind your chest. The gnawing feeling in your mind as you debated on running up after him. Worried that it would give the wrong message after you spent the last few days all but begging him to quit.

You couldn't get the sight out of your head, out of your heart. The flash of hidden agony in his eyes, emotion covered up by extrovert tendencies. Making sure everyone else felt alright and was doing fine, as a coping mechanism?

No. This is not up for speculation.

"Johnny, wait" you called, jogging down the hallway to go find him. "Are you okay?"

Without stopping, he turned his head and shrugged.

"It's just my face, bonnie"

Taglist: @bloodonmyhands-1221 @v1naco @bowtruckleninja

[kayakoto-enterprises]

Soul Touch [1/2]

Author's note: Happy House Guest Monthsary!!! My mind has been flooded with the sappiness of deep infatuation before the Horrors barge in!! I wanted to write something pre-relationship, something soft and nice and pretentiously sweet like the little town that homes them. Happy House Guest Monthsary!!

P.S. Yes Penderverse Knuckles reference. I love you She Loves You arc.

December 2nd, 1987

I might be slowly slipping out of the motivation to continue such a project. Maybe it's the weather. The temperature has been dropping each day and my body clock compels me to commit less these days. It even prevents me from committing emotionally some days. To my favorite side project or to this untitled goose chase. I could not promise myself that my props would be ready by Christmastime. I think I'll have to endure all the queries and invitations. No, no, but maybe I'll have something ready by Valentine's. But my body now is focused on getting me home and running a long bath. It might be easy to catch a fish in this weather, but God knows a body isn't as satisfying when it's colder and limper. The stream doesn't flow like a fall with most of my catches in this season. But it's the most I can do for myself today. My hands are almost frigid from the frost. I have to get back now.

Passing through the boulevard bound back to Woodbrook, a line of people formed from the sidewalk as they all appear to be hailing taxis. Most of them holding boxes and bags, carrying children, or sharing a moment with another, shopping bag between them. Then there's a person in a bright pink parka. I slowed the truck to get a better look at the familiar sight. Well wouldn't you know it, Julianne was in the city today. Her eyes were focused on how long the queue was getting. I blew the horn immediately to catch the feline's attention. Her tail jumped up from shock, and looked around before noticing my car, squinting to make out my silhouette.

"Hey Julianne!" I smiled after quickly rolling down my window. Her expression changes from confused to shocked, a weak smile curling from her lips.

"Oh my god- hi Sam!" Julianne's voice was shrill with an excitement or nervousness "Just waiting for a cab."

"I'm headed back. Want a ride?" I shut myself up realizing what I just offered. The seats back there looked clean. I cleaned my apron and goggles. Nothing here smells like blood. I return my attention to Julianne. She nods, picking up a carboard box she was trudging along. I got myself out and carried the box into the back seat. She only gets inside when I give her a nod. She sighs in relief entering the truck, enjoying the warmth yet that nervousness doesn't wash off her face. I playfully nudge her shoulder before starting the engine.

"You can relax now. I'm not your boss...Now, what do you say?"

"Thank you." Julianne says with a sincere smile. Her eyes only meet mine for a second then she looks down at her feet.

"What brings you here? I thought you said you hated the city."

Julianne leans into the door looking out into the passing world. I chuckle to myself how obvious she's being. I've seen the signs and the symptoms of people with crushes. I'd rather they not act that way towards me. It looks endearing on her though. Maybe it's a waste if I wait this project out til Spring. The trap is ready and set. She composes herself before softly replying.

"It's a free day. I just wanna...get in a crowd and disappear in a crowd. Do you know what I mean? As much as I like being..a new face in Woodbrook going back to a place like this puts me back in perspective."

Her voice dreamy with a fond cynicism. Speaking of disappearing...

"You're not worried a...bear is gonna come and get you then you do disappear, do you?" I joked.

"Hey, where are you taking me?" Julianne snapped back, her smile growing as she laughed with me. Her expression mellows down again playing with her thumbs as we drive through the winding road to home.

"Don't get so quiet now, we still have 30 minutes together."

"Well, what do you do in the city?"

"I meet with a few business associates there. They supply me the paint and other stock that sells well. There's 3 I go to. Then if I feel like it, I walk to Com-Foods' commissary to pick up some goodies before going home." I half lied.

"Com-Foods! I..I did go to the commissary today. I got...let's see..those chocolate marshmallows, ice gems, and chocolate chip cookies." She lit up. "What do you usually get?"

"Chocolate chip and butter cookies. Are you stocking up for a project..?"

She shook her head looking a little offended.

"Sure, but Christmas is almost here. Do the children go carolling around? And to serve as..quick gifts to some of the kind friends I've made so far.." The nervousness in her voice returns.

"Hopefully a lot more this year. After last year, lots of parents didn't want to take that risk right away. Only saw maybe 3 kids with their parents. Hey, you could give some to my friend's kids. I think they'll appreciate it."

She nods as she thinks of a reply. Nothing comes out. Her expression is confused trying to make up a story or a follow up but I hold her hand down.

"I was just teasing you. Do you want me to turn the heater up a bit?"

Those last 15 minutes were painfully dull. The radio could only slur out spasms of melodies as the weather got worse. Julianne filled those gaps with humming or thinking out loud. We parked behind her apartment building and walked in to everyone huddled in the common space. A few eyes followed us upstairs with suspecting glances. I settled her box down next to a shoe rack.

She whispered me thank you again before quickly running off to the kitchen. She came back a minute later holding a pair of scissors.

"Hey, don't run with that in your hand."

She ignored me scolding her to rip a line through the tape on the cardboard. She pulled out a bag of chocolate chip cookies and wordlessly placed it in my hands. She smiled at me again.

I grinned back. I don't know how I felt at that moment but it probably was not as intense as it was for her. I came home that night spending a longer time in the water wondering what that girl was doing to me.

Click.

.

.

.

December 5th, 1987

Yes, I am well aware of the fact people have crushes on me. It's mostly innocent- but I'm usually uninterested. I don't do relationships like that until I consider it necessary. This is necessary. I can't stand being an object of pity. It isn't completely selfish either. She'll reap all the benefits of dating me in the end. I just want the attention away from my hands.

Yet if she's just a means to my end, why do I picture her smiling when open up the cookie jar? I try and redirect my mind somewhere else, and believe me, I nearly got it. I just nearly broke the jar. It is a sweet gesture though. My other suitors have done nothing other than talk. I can be bribed with a bag of Com-Foods chocolate chip though. Some people can just read me better.

My mind wanders back to the truck in those 15 minutes to the apartment building. The signals shift from Golden Apple's broadcast to the Woodbrook radio playing underground music. Julianne rambles quickly about an emerging art band that started a telephone service from their home studio. Each hour or so a new song plays through their answeing machine. One of their debut songs play between static and she softly sings to complete the puzzle. She tells me I should call it and I think of the telephone bill.

I'm transferring important numbers, dates, addresses, and sticky notes into this new journal. I can't help but preserve the last few pages though as they detail all the close encounters I've had with that cat: The day she moved into town, the first time she came into the shop, photos of the bare apartment, and information I've pulled out of her that might be important later on. Everything else is going into an open fire. Julianne begins to consume every thought  and decision I had and will have moving forward. In a desperation march to move my mind away from more petty violence or saintly canonization, it feels like I'm reaching out to take her, and flow her body down through a stream with mine. I could not figure out how to do it naturally though. I don't do well with romance. The last time I attempted it nineteen years ago blew up on my face and even up to now that relationship further rottens under the rug. Julianne is just so easy to please though. She's so young. Maybe it's her first shot at anything at all. She likes me. It's stupidly obvious.

I haven't been flattered to be liked like that in a long while.

She has this affection for almost anything she will lay her eyes on. I leave my heart blank or neutral to anything particularly sappy. Keep myself agreeable enough to be liked. It's just that excitement for everything that's slowly infecting my senses. The library has this gigantic poster with the names of stars and constellations. I find myself staring and reading it for seconds, maybe minutes more, memorizing the shapes and the titles. Imagine the look on her face when I could properly point to her where the hunter's belt is.

I'm not anchoring myself to her in any way. I promise.

387-6962.

The phone brrs for a moment until the click of a button is heard on the opposite side. A chalky sounding, music box-like melody plays gently.

Stormy pinkness

Human weakness

Fills my Johnny Cup with gloom

I smile a bit. It sounds like something she would say. The charm of such an unessential service shines like a golden ring amongst every other 800-number I've seen on TV.

Your progression

My digression

Forty days this afternoon

The things we cherish are small indeed

So much the larger the need

Stormy pinkness

Let me thanklessly free

Such is the sound of young love. It sounds like a night of slam poetry. A young man's voice on the other end thanks me for calling up their quirky service. In the stillness of the closed shop I listen on, hang up, and call again. It sounded nice. Like a tune you hear during a dance scene in a movie. Or the track you skip over in your favorite album. I don't consider looking at things I don't already like for other people. Julianne does have an interesting taste in music though. I don't mind it. At least that's another thing we can talk about next time.

Click.

.

.

.

December 7th, 1987

Who am I kidding walking straight to Julianne's apartment building first thing in the morning today? I look suspicious to a lot of the residents there. I mean, they know me. They buy from me. The landlady sends me a basket every Easter. But the mere fact I was here yesterday for one thing and then again is enough to raise a brow at my intentions. Julianne left yesterday and hasn't returned. I don't know why I felt offended, maybe even sad at the thought of her gone. I was excited to tell her I called up that phone number she rambled on about.

I wish I had her number. There would be no middle ground or lobby to pass through to get to her. I was already making a spectacle of myself coming so often to the space.

I could not focus today. I was feigning between closing early and waiting outside the apartment or just giving up and going home. I was just begging to see her at this point. A glimpse of anything at all. My eyes out the window waiting for a taxi or someone wearing pink. I must be slipping out of it again. It's starting to get desperate. It's beginning to get dark.

I've been standing at the door for almost two hours now. My eyes are wide open. The silence begins to sound like static. I wait painfully, unable to move to show my face again to that lobby. I've been hoping..and hoping..and hoping..

Someone in white passes by.

They look up the sign and at the door and she yells.

"OH MY GOD! Oh, oh it's..hi Sam." She looks at me like I've been playing dead. I push the door open finally as the cold wind welcomes me outside.

"Crap, you..I mean, you look so pale. How long have you been like that?" She laughs at the absurdity of the situation.

"I just closed the store. I didn't mean to look so frozen in thought, it's just been happening to me a lot lately."

"Sounds like a lot's on your mind. Do you wanna talk about it?"

I shake my head. I could barely get myself to focus. My eyes looks all over her form. The white dress with roses. It's a lot more formal than the spaghetti straps or frilly shirts. She looks lovelier this way. I don't know.

"Well..I'll take that as a no. Sorry. I'm just going home now."

"Do you want me to drive you back?" I urgently asked. My chest feels heavy. She purses her lips.

"Your house..I mean, the residential area is on the other end of town, you don't have to.."

"It's late, isn't it? Now get inside." My tone sounded almost like a command. Maybe I've secretly anticipated this to happen. Like a dream coming true. She comes to sit next to me again and we drive off to the red building at the edge of town.

"I..called that Dial A Song number two days ago." That sentence instantly lit her eyes up. She excitedly looks to me.

"Really? What song were they playing then?"

"I'm not sure. Stormy Pinkness. It sounded cute. Do they have other songs?"

Her hands toyed with each other with this bursting enthusiasm. She could not stop giggling all of a sudden.

"Oh I like that one..I've heard it maybe once on the phone and I do hope they put it on their new project..and..yes, they are working on a new album. But! Their debut album is still in circulation. You might find it in the kids' section though. Most of their songs have a bit of a morbid undertone that I really like."

"Okay. Did they change the song again like John promised today?"

"I haven't called. I didn't call. I met up with Marigold in Washington yesterday...it's my birthday today. We just had a catch up trip there.. Marigold is a work friend from..my old uh..office job."

I parked the truck a block away from the building to avoid being seen again.

"You should have told me earlier. Happy birthday, kitty."

"I'm 25 already. I'm not a kitty anymore." She hesitates before opening the door. She looks back and opens her mouth, mumbling out a question.

"Do you wanna.."

"Yes?"

"..Do you wanna call Dial A Song with me..right now? I-I also brought home some..sticky rice treats from my.."

And the moment after that, my body felt like it was acting out of its system. It followed her upstairs and into her room. I think I looked stupid to the women hanging around the lobby coming in with her at 9:28 pm but I just could not care less when I sat down on the floor with the receiver on my ear. I couldn't tell if that was an accordion or a trumpet. But her face is so close to mine as we shared the phone listening to it for the first time.

Hi this is John Flansburgh of They Might Be Giants. You're tuning into Dial A Song, your one way ticket to Brooklyn. Call back for another song tomorrow.

"What..what's your..telephone number?"

"Oh, it's 387-6962"

"No, your telephone." My embarrassment was resurfacing "I..I don't want them to get the wrong idea being with you all the time here."

Julianne's face softened with sadness. She carefully puts the phone down.

"I..I mean we..aren't that though. Yeah..It does look weird but I don't see it as weird at all." She whispers "Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?"

"No. I'm not. I don't know though because you do seem to lean towards a certain type. Woodbrook's safe and all but maybe you don't want to be seen with me and have it be interpreted another way."

She blushes. We lay down on the floor for a while until she reaches for a pad and scribbles down something.

"Thanks though. I don't mind being seen with you. Here's my number. You can take home as much malagkit as you like."

She slides the pad between my fingers and rests her palm on my knuckles.

"I could tell you like me though. You're a bit obvious."

"What?"

I pocket the paper as I walk away. I look back to her before I close the door.

"I'll call them again tomorrow. Goodnight, Julianne."

What is that woman doing to me...

Click.

.

.

.

December 11th, 1987

The Bijou Theatre hasn't received any new blockbusters to premiere. Most of whatever is out at the moment in the cities is being reserved for Christmas week. They're bringing out their collection from earlier in the decade. Annie is playing from today until December 22nd. I've seen the movie once. I couldn't tell you anything other than it's a musical and it takes your mind off of work. I could also tell you Julianne is obsessed with the film. She has a tape of the movie displayed on her work shelf. She said it was her favorite movie during college and comforted her when she came to America. We could watch the movie on her TV set any time but I think I owe it to her as a birthday gift or a pacifier after making her feel bad nights ago. It's like the perfect excuse fell right into my lap. Right before walking to work, I called her telephone hoping she'd be awake by now. Thankfully someone picked up.

"Mmh..Julianne Lucky here, good morning."

"Hi, Julianne."

.

"Oh, ah..hiya Sam. How are you?" I could almost see her flushed face from here.

.

"Just about to go to work. I heard Bijou Theatre is gonna screen Annie tomorrow."

.

"A-Annie? The..the John Huston adaptation?"

.

"Think that's it. The little orphan poodle."

.

"Oh man, I guess I have to go then. It's been a bit rough lately, I need to watch it again." She overshares.

.

"I know. Would the lady of the house be busy tomorrow evening?"

.

"Ah..uhm..oh gosh..I don't think so. Sam, are you?"

.

"No, I can close the store early. Will you come watch it with me?"

.

"Well..if you don't mind then. Yes! Yes I will. If you aren't embarrassed to see me."

.

"I'm not, I promise I'm not. If it'd help I can pick you up at the apartment, or--"

.

"Let's just meet in front of Bijou, okay?" Her voice was breathy with excitement. "Thank you. I..I'll see you."

She hangs up the phone. The contagious feeling of young love streams from the telephone cord. I lean back on the door silently after putting the phone down. Oh. She said yes. I'm doing it. I'm running headfirst into the forest and not looking back. She said yes. The invitation alone was already so dizzying. It feels different inviting a stranger to a movie. For a moment I lost sight of why I was even persuing it in the first place. Maybe after tomorrow I'll be back to how I usually feel about big romantic gestures like these but I stood there for a moment with my forehead in my hand. Imagining. Dreaming of it.

She likes me.

And that's enough for the lamb to curiously look into the trap.

Click.

[cazort]

I turned off anon messages because I've been getting an inordinate amount of anon hate, some extraordinarily nasty, in response to people misinterpreting some commentary I added on a post recently, as being antagonistic or negative when that was not my intent.

Here is the full thread in case anyone is curious.

I get that my added commentary may have come across as unnecessarily antagonistic. I was in some pain and other physical distress from long COVID symptoms last night when I reblogged that post and wrote that commentary, and perhaps this made my tone came across as more snarky than usual, which was not my intention.

Still, the level of negativity and hate I have received is wildly out-of-proportion to any slight negativity in my tone. Like people were writing things calling me a terrible person and worthless, using dehumanizing language, and stopping only very barely short of suicide baiting and/or violent threats. One of the posts was bad enough that I reported it to Tumblr, and I worry that anyone who would harass me in this way would be highly likely to harass a long list of other users as well.

I want people to know that I harbor no negativity or hard feelings towards the author of the original post in question, I really enjoyed the post and its humor and was trying to add some tangential commentary that highlighted one of the many reasons I like Tumblr, how you can have a post that is basically like a shitpost, and people can add totally unreasonable commentary to it but at the same time other people can add very reasonable commentary that adds insight, and this is one of the things I love most about Tumblr.

I wished people could see this instead of just assuming that I am some kind of mega asshole.

I also think that a lot of this negativity, frankly, is an example of the absolute intense bias and bigotry, hate even, that people hold against neurodivergent people.

Yes, I take things literally sometimes. Yes, I choose to take things and engage with them literally even when I know they are not intended to be taken this way. Yes, I like deep commentary. Yes, I like writing long text posts. No, this does not make me a bad person.

And if you think it's okay to threaten or harass someone because of these things, especially when a person expresses themselves without making personal attacks or without voicing overt hostility, if you think it is acceptable to initiate or greatly escalate any type of negativity or hostility just because someone said something that you perceived as mildly antagonistic, then maybe, just maybe, it would be best for you to spend some time away from the internet.

For now though, anons are off. I haven't received any legitimate anons in weeks so it's not like I'm missing much. I have no interest in allowing myself to be verbally abused by people who lack the courage to show their face. Anon messages were for positive, encouraging compliments, or questions that people were too shy to ask, they have never been turned on with the intention of exposing myself to hate messages.

[bongwooder]

idk I guess I could make an official post about it since I've been basically regressing to 12 year old me anyways and she LOVED to overshare on this godforsaken website

click more for ramblings if ur curious! definitely interested in hearing others perspectives since I am very socially isolated rn compared to most people I guess

ever since my ADHD diagnosis and possible autism diagnosis I've just been thinking a LOT about my life including my gender and sexuality. like, ever since my parent's divorce in 2022 I've been unravelling a lot of trauma I didn't even know I had, including how my roommate has helped me realize truly how emotionally neglected I was a child. it is NOT normal for a child to be online essentially 24/7 from ages 8-18. I think I really did some serious damage because my parents were too fucked to bother to check on me and make sure I like... went outside. had friends. showered. basic hygiene etc etc etc and of course I didn't know any better because uuuhhh children need to be TAUGHT things not just yelled at to do it or made fun of for their unknown disability. and I've been going through points of time where I'm MAD. like, PISSED. that my parents let me do that to myself. a little insecure neurodivergent girl searching, yearning, begging for ANYTHING to explain her inability to cope with reality and sensory overload, to socialize and make friends at school, to feel like her life had meaning and that what was not known at the time to be symptoms of her disability weren't just personal failures

so, of course, I feel like the moment I realized I may have a group that would actually accept me as I was, I latched onto it. and that was my beginning identifying as transgender. I've said this before to irl friends, but my thoughts at the time were "well I'm a completely well adjusted intelligent person [child], but I can't seem to get along with my female peers, so I must be a male actually!" but then like... idk why I always failed to realize the boys didn't like me either?? so it's not "girls don't like me because I'm too masculine and boys don't like me because I'm too feminine" it was actually just "no one likes me because I'm autistic"

and it's strange because I feel like the physical dysphoria felt VERY real, hating my chest and my genitals, but also like... I went through puberty kinda early and also bc I was fat I "had" to wear a bra VERY early. so I think I was resenting the sexualization of my body and coping with the fact that boys paid me 0 mind in any sort of dating context when that became relevant. So I think my dysphoria was actually more like dysmorphia?

and I think I only ever "hated pink and girly things" because I so desperately wanted attention from ANYONE, for SOMEONE to ask me what's wrong or why I thought that way, for someone to tell me it's okay to be a girl even though I'm fat and autistic. and it just never happened. and I grieve for that little girl who never felt like she could express herself in fear of what people would think bc she truly had no positive adult figures in her life. and I can't help but feel deep anger for the teachers around me who didn't realize just how deep the damage was, or if they did and told my parents and THEY chose to do nothing, I feel deep anger with them.

I thought maybe if I could just be a boy I didn't have to worry that much about being attractive to boys or being skinny or being pretty. then I could just be myself! and I think that did serve a purpose for its time.

I don't regret identifying as trans or any social transitioning I have already done. I love being Ollie, although I do wonder if another name may suit me better in these times. I know I'll always have an unconventional self expression but I just wonder what it would be like to be an independent adult woman because I've never been that, and I've never had adult women friends that have reached a level of platonic intimacy with me where I can discuss this and explore it with someone who has always lived as a woman! i yearn to decorate my body and dress myself in ways that reveal the the body I am proud to have carry me day by day no matter how large. I yearn to sink into softness and receive love, I don't want to fight for reciprocation. I don't want to be codependent but I just want to feel taken care of for once in my life instead of feeling like I'm crawling and clawing my way through life not knowing where the hell I'm going. I don't even know what womanhood/femininity MEANS but I want to try it! I think I'd enjoy it! do I have permission to try it? am I allowed to enjoy it? I hate that I need to be "brave" and "resilient" just to exist in my fucking body and brain. I resent the poisoned masses for resenting me but I know I know kindness and i know I am beautiful and I know I can provide happiness for others, I'm just also ready to be provided for too from a woman just as strong and beautiful and intelligent and kind and funny

I think I skated my point a little bit but even after saying all this, I don't know if I'll ever feel "cis." i think my life played out how it needed to for me to get here and now. my biggest fear is "coming out as cis" and having everyone who ever doubted my transness or invalidated me (including my own family) tell me "I told you it was a phase" because YEAH, MAYBE IT WAS. but at least I've been actively trying to listen to my body and brain to build the life I think will make me happiest in the context of my consciousness. and I just want to surround myself with people who trust me and know I'm smart and know this is something I think about deeply before projecting

all this to say I have a lot of work to do, and I'm excited to do it, cis or trans

[emberlynnrayne]

6-16-24

I'm processing something big. I don't want to be, I don't understand it all, I probably feel like things are worse than they are, because I'm exhausted and I hurt so much.

I'm so sick of this. I'm feeling defensive because I feel like partner has been so patient with me lately, and it makes me impatient with myself.

I keep feeling like I just need to get with the program. But I think healing brain is telling me something has triggered a wound and we won't heal without understanding it?

But I'm so tired. I am so tired of the work. I'm doing it, but something is wrong in me. Something is making me feel... Ugly inside.

I hate the word "ugly" and always hated adults using it as a descriptor for bad behavior. It feels slimy and shameful and out of a person's control.

But I'm feeling more of it lately. Is this the symptom of a healthy connection in a relationship? That I am more comfortable expressing negative emotions? Or am I getting lazy in my recovery?

I feel so defensive. It looks like pride, apparently. I am judge because I am insecure. And because I struggle with black and white thinking.

I was "bitchy" this weekend. The first time in over a year? My brain is so panicked. This weekend my friends met my family in an incredibly stressful situation.

Of course they only saw my failure. And I was too chicken shit of jumping to do it all again.

I hate myself for that failure. And for them seeing my weakness.

Oh my god. Dude. I called my dad out so casually. Several times. In front of people. What the fuck. I like gentle Kat. This isn't gentle Kat?

Kat has been "bristley" a lot lately.

I don't know how to express the groan that escapes me when I know how right they are and I don't want them to be.

What the fuck is wrong with me.

I'm so curious how they see me. What do I look like to all the different people I interacted with this weekend? Who is Kat in their perspectives?

Who am I in my own?

Desperately trying to to be kind. Impossibly hard on myself. Completely oblivious to just about everything. Insecure. Determined? Ambitious. I think I work hard? Loving. Holy fuck I try so hard to be patient. I am not patient. Least of all with myself. Easy to get along with? Rainbow snowflake leftist trash. (( 😂😂 )) Usually not so bad.

So is this new behavior really me when I'm comfortable? Or is it temporary while I figure out what is wrong with me and how to fix it?

I worry about the expectations people have of me. Especially in situations where I don't know all of the rules. I don't know how to say "no" to people. I don't know how to tell people that I'm not interested. Partner makes it all look so easy. Everything I do is steeped in fear.

Am I overcorrecting?? Maybe. I feel so defensive hearing that. I got a little angry.

Ohhh partner said a lot of things this weekend.

A lot of things that made me feel defensive. And we had no time to come back and talk about any of it. I'm not saying what they said was wrong, but I need to understand.

Overcorrecting.

I knew that's what it was.

Bristly. Bitchy.

Why am I so afraid of being known and understood?

[beckerella-in-wonderland]

The Unsaid

Disclaimer before proceeding: From here on out I will refer to my maternal aunt as mom, uncle as dad, and my biological parents as bio mom & dad.

Being raised by family that is estranged to your biological mother and unknown to your biological father, you quickly hear how lucky you are to be with family still. Knowing the mother/father who raised you wanted you because they believed they were unable to conceive, you are reminded how you were so special because you were chosen. And a People Pleaser was made!

I want to share just some of the things I experienced and never talked about to spare others their feelings.

Just because I appeared to be "okay" doesn't mean I was. I wasn't told I was adopted until I was about 5 years old. I don't remember the exact age, but I remember the conversation. I remember how happy my parents seemed to be that I “took it so well”. I didn't ever feel like I could be anything but acceptable to it, without it causing someone to be hurt or mad.

I hated being told not to use the word "adopted" I was told by others that I wasn't "really adopted" because no legal paperwork was completed. I was told since I was raised by family, it was different than adoption. Saying I was raised by family didn't ever seem to hit the depth of the situation. It made it sound like I had connection that was not existing or minimal at best. This is where the feeling of being a triangle trying to fit into a square hole started to form and grow more and more over my life. As an adult I learned that my mom and bio mom only lived together two months in total through their entire lives - this confirmed my feeling from childhood that I wasn't raised by family if they didn't even know my bio mom.

If I express my thoughts or emotions - it only makes others sad. Seeing the tears in my moms eyes when confront on different occasions by my brother and a church friend about if I was telling the truth about being adopted - that was hard. I felt like I should've just shut up and kept it to myself. When I asked if I could visit my bio mom during a summer break and my mom's response was crying, I told her I changed my mind and didn't want to.

I've always secretly dislike Mother's Day Mother Day's card shopping sucked. The worry if my card would express my love for my bio mom enough for her to see I missed her but being confused how I missed her when I couldn’t remember her. Wanting both moms to not think I loved one more than the other – keep them both happy. It was also a reminder every year how I didn't know my bio mom.

Felt like I had to beg for pictures and phone number I wanted to know if I looked like my bio mom and sisters. I wanted to see what she looked like and what I would feel when seeing her picture. It took me asking my grandmother and bio mom many times over years before I was sent a couple pictures. I asked for her phone number to call her, I was told they didn't have her number and she said she didn't have a phone. Eventually, I discovered grandmother had a phone number but was afraid to upset anyone by giving it to me and apparently her phone wasn't always active.

Waiting on letters had me questioning if I was forgotten I loved getting letter from bio mom but when I didn’t get them for months at a time. When I got them, my bio mom explained the MS symptoms made it hard to write letters. I still questioned if it was her occasionally forgetting about me because how busy she was with my sisters. All the letters I did get were updates on my sisters and bio mom would update on her medical stuff with the MS after she was diagnosed. Surface level topics and updates. I was angry. I didn't need a 3 page letter - just a short and quick note saying she loved me and is thinking of me. Thats it. How hard was that? Even with MS - three sentences would've been enough. I always made sure my needs were never demanding and my expectations were low. ** As an adult I asked her where she had these letters, she said they must've been tossed when she moved from the trailer they lived in for decades. I still have the letters from her and I've moved 11 times.

I daydreamed of her throughout my childhood I daydreamed that she would come and work at my school like she did my sisters. When I was at the Dallas airport on a layover during a vacation as a kid, I wondered if she could feel my presence since I was in Texas at the same time as her. I daydreamed about getting an invite onto a daytime talk show to be reunited. As an adult, she told me that the daytime talk show was something she had nightmares of happening.

It hurt more than I let on when you said that comment... There were statements made, mostly in my pre-teen and teen years by my parents that hurt. Statements that showed even they knew on some level they didn't always see me as their own. It was mostly my dad and it was always when his feelings were hurt. At the time though, they why didn't make me feel any better. "Do you wanna go live with your real mom?" "My son would never do that." were the harshest.

How could you "forget" to tell me about a sibling??? My mom and bio mom thought the other told me about an older half-brother that was adopted to a couple who allowed contact up until he was a young boy and then cut ties. I've heard different reasons but was told it was at the adoptive parents desire not his. As an adult, I was searching for my bio father and discovered I had an older half-brother from a previous marriage. My bio mom thought she had told me before but hadn't.

Two different occasions I searched for siblings, alone! I don't wish the emotions that come with calling and messaging strangers on the internet at 17 years old or at 25 years old, searching for an unknown brother who may or may not know about you or want anything to do with you. That sucked. No one helped me. I found both of them. Both of them were welcoming to the contact. Then in both cases, neither made effort to keep the contact. I made the effort for as long as I emotionally could acknowledge and accept it was one way.

Meeting for the first time again & I'm on my own again doing it! High school graduation was the start of my adulthood - so I figured I would use it as a good opportunity to invite and meet my bio mom. I knew my parents wouldn’t say no, especially since I was willing and able to pay for the plane ticket for her. At the time, I didn't think much of it but my parents never thought to offer to come with me to pick up my bio mom from the airport. I faced that on my own, with a friend. I had one picture from years prior and remember being afraid I wouldn’t recognize her.

How is it fair that I now literally pay for their past decisions; and once again doing it on my own! Long story short – I had to change the last name on my birth certificate to the maiden name I used all my life. It was expensive and I had to face the Judge and strangers in the court with no support. I had to explain being “not really” adopted but raised by my bio aunt and the mess that resulted in the maiden name I used not being on the birth certificate. It was a mess and emotional.

Well that covers most of the highlights up to me moving to Texas in hopes to settle here and further build relationships with my biological family. Spoiler, theres more hurt that came - over and over. That's what happens when you self-sacrafice in desperate hope that as a triangle, you will one day fit into the square or the circle.

[greer-writing]

I noticed today that it is hard trying to find a safe place.  I am used to being home with places to wander. I am unable to express my emotions here. What a fucking waste of time. I sit on the bathroom floor. I cried because I found my safe place. Maybe it is because it is a small place, or knowing it’s a place I can be vulnerable.  Healing from the trauma isn’t that easy- In fact I feel it gets worse the moment you recognize it. It’s not something you can talk threw and it sure as hell isn’t something you can run away from. It starts to become a daily struggle, and there are for sure much better days than others. I hate the fact I had to leave my home town, but I don’t think I really left... I just left the people that no longer had my best interest at heart. Home will always be where the heart is and if I am wanting to do a lot of traveling, at some point I am going to have to get used to that. I am growing up, and I have PTSD. I hate it but let us be real, It makes me .. well, ME!!!!!! I have learned to live with it, cope with it if you will. I’ll always have it , but it’s up to me to manage my symptoms and seek help when needed. I will say that at a certain point you have to let that shit go. You almost have to stop giving a fuck what others think, and how you view yourself. Life is to fucking short to constantly worry about how others view you. Only YOU know your soul. Only YOU know what is deep deep down inside. That being said you also have to continuously watch your own back. You can’t trust anyone now a days. Everyone has a motive. Keep true to yourself in all the ways you can. 

Stay Strong, Know you are loved.  -KAT

[elliebear666]

It's 4 am and I woke up at 3:50 in the morning. I've been waking up every single goddamn night around 3-6 am. This is because my psychiatrist, due to Zyprexa causing constant hunger and weight gain, changed me to a different antipsychotic.

However, thanks to this change, I've lost almost 20 lbs. But the waking up every night is difficult and I'm worried it will push me into a depressive or manic episode/exacerbate personality symptoms.

So, anyway... things I've noticed after 8 years of therapy:

1. I still deal with "splitting." You're good, amazing, perfect, the best thing in my life, I want to talk to you all the time to: You're a worthless piece of shit and I hope you fucking die and rot in the heat of the sun. I hate you so much I would laugh if you died. Sometimes, these thoughts spill into my world when I just spew horrible shit from my mouth or fingertips. I have said... horrifically awful things to people when I've split on them. Tbf, these days, I'm mostly splitting on favorite persons or family and it is usually less often.

2. I still occasionally have explosive anger/rage outbursts, almost get into physical fights, get tunnel vision over internet fights, have difficulty controlling my anger. It is not nearly as bad as before, though. I used to constantly blow up, and the people in my life told me they felt like they were always "walking on eggshells." Which makes me feel incredibly ashamed and guilty… I've had anger and rage problems since I was little.

3. My relationships are still stormy and intense, and either involve me becoming initially completely and utterly infatuated or obsessed and "falling in love" at the drop of a hat, or eventually becoming obsessed. Not in every potential relationship, but the vast majority. I get jealous and insecure and constantly fear abandonment, which can lead me to seeking reassurance and validation that I'm valued in the relationship. Which, apparently, is difficult to deal with. At least my jealousy isn't as bad as it used to be. It used to be… BAD BAD. It caused me to act in very possessive ways that were detrimental to the relationship and hurt my partners.

4. I still have paranoia and paranoid ideations when particularly stressed, and sometimes just in general. Something happens in my life and my brain automatically looks for patterns of why this "isn't a coincidence." It's led me down some dark rabbit holes. A few years ago I spent months looking for cameras in my room because I was so stressed out by a flying monkey situation and wondered if they had put cameras in my room lmao

5. I still dissociate. It isn't as severe as it used to be. I used to like… spend days not even there. I'd just wear a placid and empty expression as I swam in utter nothingness. I'd watch myself from afar, feeling like I was living life from behind a thick, foggy glass window. I felt like I wasn't real, I felt like nothing was real, and wondered many times if I was just asleep and when I'd wake up. Due to dissociation and just generally not being present most of the time - not even related to dissociation - I haven't made a lot memories… which can make me feel like I have no history, that my life is this strange sequence of events that I only partially partake in.

6. I still feel empty. It isn't NEARLY as bad as before. Like… my god, I used to do anything and everything I could to fill the emptiness. Sex, drugs, impulsive road trips, hurting myself, alcohol, buying things, binge eating and then feeling ashamed and purging. I would get into relationships and situationships just to assuage this crippling emptiness whose existence stifled most of the joy or passion in my life. I felt like a hollow shell of a human being and, at one point, toldy therapist that I felt like, if I took a knife to my wrists and cut myself open, there would he nothing beneath my skin. Just an agonizing, echoing emptiness. I had to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to distract myself from how utterly and completely hollow I felt on the inside. It was just… my god. I cannot express the amount of suffering I experienced due to constantly feeling empty…

7. My impulsivity is vastly reduced. I used to like… all the time anything went wrong, or I felt too empty, or bored, hurt, angry, etc. do something incredibly impulsive to soothe those intense emotions. Whether that was buying things I shouldn't have, binge eating, drinking alcohol and using drugs, having sex with a bunch of different partners, or jumping into relationships. It was all very self destructive.

8. My sense of self used to be borderline nonexistent. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted out of life. I changed my opinions and goals and likes often as I relentlessly chased something resembling stability. I felt like I became the people I was around - my mom used to comment, in a worried way, that it was like I, in a way "became my partners." She said it was upsetting and scary. I was an empty chameleon, desperately trying to find love and acceptance. I would reinvent myself every once in a while, though not to the extreme, usually in the form of changing how I would dress or act. Now, I feel like I have a more concrete sense of self. It isn't constantly shifting, even though I still feel directionless and don't know what I want out of life or, in some ways, who I am. Like… I wonder sometimes if the personality I'm projecting is even me or just another persona that I'm wearing. I'd like to think that I'm me now, but sometimes I wonder….

9. Self harm and suicidal ideations and threats… golly gee willikers. I used to hurt the shit out of myself. I'd cut myself, burn myself, punch myself, hit my face and body. Even while I was working, I'd cut myself in the bathroom… I threatened countless times to end my life over… oftentimes situations that didn't warrant such a reaction. Then, after most breakups, I would become extremely suicidal, thinking I was an evil piece of shit that deserved to be "abandoned" or I would feel that I had been mistreated and would react with rage. Most of the time, I would default to self harm and suicide attempts/ideation even if I was initially angry. I got locked up a few times after the breakup that happened a few years ago. Got put in the back of a police car once and brought to the mental ward and had my family threaten me with lock up… god, idk how many times lmao. I've been hurting myself, in one way or another, since I was a teen. These days, I'm not hurting myself much. I burned myself about 6 or 7 times after a guy rejected me, and fell into a deep depression, planned my suicide, would drink constantlying, etc. But I haven't harmed myself in months :)

10. Intense emotional swings. So… I have always been a very intense and emotional person. Since I was little, I felt like, sometimes, the emotions inside my little body were too big for such a small vessel. As I aged, my mood became increasingly erratic and unstable. It got VERY bad while I was working. I would feel one intense emotion over some trigger, and would experience a prolonged episode after the fact. It would feel like… if I was angry at a situation, I would be infuriated, homicidal, shaking with rage. And then I would shift to elated joy and euphoria that felt like I was having a manic episode. From there, I would go anywhere. Sometimes into a deep and dark despair, to feeling like I was agonizingly alone and rejected or abandoned. I feel like… I just was always in pain tbh. About one thing or another. I feel like I was horribly sensitive to the world around me and every little thing would elicit an extreme reaction. So, before I got diagnosed bipolar, I told my old psychiatrist that I was experiencing what I believed to be "rapid cycling bipolar symptoms." However, bipolar doesn't cause extreme emotional responses to everything all day. I could go to work feeling on top of the world, then go from that to despair, anger, infatuation, insecurity, or any of a plethora of emotions, and each one was just… a huge wave of feelings. It became absolutely and completely exhausting. I was exhausted by my changes in mood. These days, I'm not reacting as extremely as I was to every little thing. I'm not always in as much pain, I'm not constantly shifting emotional states and moods. I feel like I've found, in some ways - as long as literally nothing goes wrong lmao - a sense of stability. I'm still intense, but my reactions are not as severe as they used to be and my moods are not CONSTANTLY reacting to every little thing in my life.

11. Abandonment. I touched on this to an extent… but this will go into it in more depth. So… I have had a fear of abandonment and being left alone since I was little, but it was mostly about my mom. As a teen, and as I developed bonds with friends, I began to worry about being left by my friends. As I got older and became more interested in relationships, despite having issues with dysphoria and sex and intimacy, that fear of abandonment and rejection sensitivity became overwhelming. In any rejection scenario, I have frantically and pathetically tried to prevent what I perceived as "abandonment." I would develop these very intense and all consuming bonds with people and often come to believe that the relationship was closer and more intimate than it really was. In relationships, I would hurt myself or sometimes say I might hurt myself when faced with abandonment. Not an idle threat, but a real and true possibility and, often times, an eventual reality. It's been bad throughout my adult life, specifically, but it was horrendous with the girl I dated a few years ago. I was jealous, insecure, possessive, and constantly feared that she would abandon me. However, my unstable disposition, my anger outbursts, jealousy and insecurity served only to drive her away. As the relationship was coming to an end, I became increasingly erratic and frantic as I tried to convince her I was worth it. I begged, I stalked her in an attempt to her to talk to me, I sent countless texts, emails, made new phone numbers to contact her, snapchat, tumblr. I harassed her for months… and I feel so fucking guilty and ashamed that I have tortured myself with self-harm and physical and emotional self-flagellation. I went to insanely extreme lengths to prevent this abandonment. I pretended I ran out of gas on a road trip, I can't even remember everything I did. It was absolutely fucking crazy and toxic and scary and bizarre. I tried to kill myself in this one incident and desperately called her friend crying and screaming… I'd taken a lethal dose of psych meds and… my god I just… I feel so fucking ashamed. I hated myself. I wanted to kill myself over this unhinged behavior. I'm sorry… I truly, truly am sorry. I wish I could take it all back… but fucking can't. I'm sorry. I didn't… I don't think I really realized how bad things were getting. I didn't realize what the effects of my undiagnosed BPD was going to do to anyone. I couldn't even think past my own pain and suffering and extreme emotional problems and issues with self-regulation. These days, it's still a issue. It isn't NEARLY as severe. It's bad but… not AS bad. I still get frantic when I fear I'm being abandoned, I might beg and plead, I will act out impulsively in some misguided attempt to keep them close. But more often than not, this serves to push others away, not keep them close. It definitely has not gone to the extreme lengths of the past. I hope it never does again. I will make sure I don't get that bad again.

So… at this point, I feel like I'm so much better than I used to be. But like, things aren't perfect. And I worry sometimes I will continue to have these issues for many years to come. I'm not sure what to do about dismantling every maladaptive pattern and dealing with extreme reactions to life events, fears of abandonment, emptiness, anger and rage.

I want to be better, entirely. But sometimes I wonder if better is more a state of mind than an actual state of existence.

[messers-moony]

King and Queen | S.B

Paring: Sirius Black X Fem!Potter!Reader, James Potter X Fem!Twin!Reader

Summary: James goes through a lot during his time at Hogwarts but his sister is always by his side.

Inspiration: Click

A/N: If this comes off insensitive to anyone please let me know and I will remove this.

James Potter was a handful. From the minute he was born, he had this gleam in his hazel eyes that raged and burned with trouble. His twin, Y/n Potter, was almost the opposite. The soft smile that laid on her features and the glitter of calamity in her eyes. Euphemia and Fleamont were in for a lot the minute their twins were born. 

Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder is most comparative to having a web browser up with one too many tabs. James had always been unable to focus and was naturally messy. Truth be told, he thought it was normal, just as everyone else did. It wasn’t until his second year at Hogwarts did he realize something was genuinely wrong with him. 

Remus told him that he had this muggle thing called “dyslexia,” which was a difficulty in interpreting words, letters, and other symbols. However, it never affected his overall intelligence because everyone knew that Remus Lupin was indeed and wholly brilliant. It got James wondering, did his inability to focus, be organized, and hyperactivity have a deeper meaning?

His twin - Y/n - was quite the opposite. She made quick friends with Remus, Sirius, and Peter, who were close friends of her twin. Y/n was top of their class, creating a friendly competition with Remus, but she was always able to focus. Often she would hyper-focus, which would leave her working for over five hours at a time without realizing it. In those times, James would have to snap her out of it. 

Over the summer, James expressed his concerns to his parents. He was talking about how this could be a real issue he’s facing using Remus’ dyslexia as an example. Eventually, they gave in, letting James go to a muggle doctor. James had to fill out a questionnaire that would come back with his results in one week. That week was probably the longest week of his life. Nonetheless, his test results had come back positive. 

Fleamont and Euphemia would be lying if they were surprised. After hearing about the disorder, it was almost the definition of their eldest son. Fortunately for James, the muggles had come up with a cure - no, not a cure - dammit, what was it again?

Impede the symptoms! That’s what those muggle pills do. James was required to take two pills a day, one in the morning and once at night. Y/n was in charge of making sure he did so because - more times than he’d like to admit - he would forget everything if it wasn’t for Y/n. 

In third year, James was as energetic as ever while getting on the Hogwarts Express, “Aren’t you excited, Y/n?!”

She chuckled, “Yes, but Merlin, you don’t need to literally jump with joy.”

“But I’m excited!”

“I know that.”

They made their way to the compartment that held Remus, who was reading a book. James sat in front of him while Y/n took her seat beside Remus, “‘Ello Remus.”

“Hey, Potter pair.”

Y/n sighed, and James groaned, “That nickname needs to go away.”

“I quite like it.” Remus stated smugly, “Suits you both.”

“What’s that suppose to mean?” Y/n accused falsely, “It means that wherever one of you are, the other isn’t that far behind.” Remus replied. 

James had zoned out already, and Y/n snapped in his face, “Take your pills?” 

“Forgot.” James muttered guiltily, “Oh Godric.” She whispered. 

“Pills?”

“James went to a muggle doctor this summer.”

Remus quirked an eyebrow, “Did you now?”

“Got diagnosed with ADHD.” James informed, and Remus looked amiss, “Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder.”

“Ah, I’ve heard of that.” Remus said, and James smiled sheepishly, “I feel kinda odd, like out of place.”

“Why?”

“Dunno, just, why can't I be normal?”

“You are normal, James.” Y/n reassured, ���And anyone who says differently obviously doesn’t care about you.”

The compartment door slammed open, “Who doesn’t care about who?”

Remus snorted, “Ever the dramatics, huh, mate?”

“‘Course.” Sirius flopped down beside James, “It comes with my charm and devilishly good looks.”

“Ah, yes.” Y/n said, chuckling, “Don’t you see how I’m swooning for you?”

The back of her palm was against her forehead, “Come off it.” James swatted at her and then elbowed Sirius, “Better not make my sister swoon.”

Sirius chuckled and shrugged, “Can’t help it. I’m just that irresistible.”

The four of them laughed at Sirius’ dramatics and continued talking about the new term. Remus and Y/n were talking about books they couldn’t wait to read. Remus was even kind enough to gift her some muggle books he bought over the summer holiday. Sirius and James bickered about what pranks to do this year, along with which ones were better. 

Third-year was fun. It was a year of flooding corridors, turning Slytherin robes red and blasting music in the common room after a Gryffindor victory. James was a brilliant Quidditch Chaser, and Y/n was a fantastic Seeker. Nothing was quite like the Potter pair. Something about them was just unforgettable. 

Maybe that’s why Sirius was so fond of her. Something about the Potters made people around them smile on the hardest of days. They made sure that every moment was a night to remember. Every memory was worth reliving. So adventurous, so reckless, yet so kind and loving. 

By the time fifth year rolled around, Sirius Orion Black had fallen off a cliff into a lake called love. Sirius completely submerged himself in love for Y/n Potter. The younger twin by just 20 minutes, but something about her was so divine. Was it her silk and glittering h/c hair? No - maybe it was her gleaming e/c eyes. Perhaps it was for her strive for adventure and extreme kindness. 

Nonetheless, Sirius fell hard.

And who better to tell than James Potter himself?

Causally - as usual - Sirius opened the door to the Marauders dorm. It was empty aside from the brunet boy with glasses on the bridge of his nose. His hazel eyes were focused on a textbook - Potions textbook - maybe it was to impress Lily. Sirius couldn’t care less, so he pulled the chair out in front of the desk and sat before James. 

“Mate, I need your help.”

“Running from Filch?”

“No. Something- Something worse.”

“Something worse?” The textbook shut loudly.

Sirius nodded, “Way worse.”

“Alright then, come into my office.” James teased, and Sirius grinned. 

It was silent, “I’m in love with your sister.”

James sputtered, “Excuse me?”

“I’m in love with Y/n.”

“No, no.” James waved his hand horizontally, “I heard you.”

“Then what else would you like me to say?” Sirius asked. 

“Literally anything else.”

“Sorry, mate.” Sirius muttered, “I- I really didn’t mean to.”

James chuckled and wiped his hand across his face, “I suppose you can’t really stop love, huh?”

“You really can’t.” Sirius agreed, “I tried. I promise I tried.”

“It’s not that big of a deal late.” James assured, and Sirius looked at him with wide eyes, “I trust you just-“

“Just?”

“I’m worried about her.” James completed, “I- I worry about her every night.”

Sirius softened, “It’s like you with Regulus-“ James continued before Sirius could interject, “And don’t pretend. Your silencing charms are bloody terrible.”

“I know you still care for Regulus, you worry about him every night, and I do the same for Y/n, except my silencing charms are better.” James teased sightly, “I trust you, Sirius. You’re the brother I never got but always wanted. You know, the brother I can play Quidditch with, rough around with, the brother who’s just as sneaky and mischievous as I.”

“But Y/n is still my blood. She's my twin, my best friend, my partner in crime. She was the mind behind my pranks before Remus.” James elaborated and then smirked, “Remus and Y/n make a great team, ya’ know?”

“They are quite brilliant.”

“Anyway, what I’m trying to say is, take care of her?” James looked like the eleven-year-old boy again, “Don’t make her a fling and don’t make this temporary.”

“Y/n is a strong woman, and she isn’t for weak men. I’ll be honest,” James chuckled, “She doesn’t need a man. She doesn’t even really need me. I need her more than she needs me. Regardless, take care of her. She deserves a man worthy of her. Someone that’ll get her ice cream at 4 a.m. because she’s craving it. Someone that’ll go on sporadic trips with her. Someone that’ll understand that after a hard day, all she wants is a book and coffee.”

Sirius was appalled; he’d never seen James look so passionate, “Growing up, mum always told me to be a gentleman. I know it may not seem like it sometimes, but she always raised me as one. To hold a door for them, push and push in their chairs for them, give them my jacket even if I’ll freeze.” 

“Those kinda things. Dad said I should practice on Y/n, and I did. From then, Y/n always got treated like a queen, and she deserves no less. I won't lie, my parents treat me like a king too, and I don’t want any less either.” James explained, “Be the king that’s worthy of my sister.”

“That’s all I ask of you.”

Sirius nodded, “I’d be honored to serve her as my queen.”

“And if you show her no less, she’ll spit you out like chewing gum.”

He shuttered, “I hate how accurate that phrase is.”

James laughed, “I know her more than you think.”

By sixth year they were dating. Sirius would be lying if he wasn’t eternally shitting himself when Y/n said yes to going to Hogsmeade with him, alone, as a date. In fact, James almost wanted to throw him a party for finally not being a little bitch and asking out his sister. This party consisted of a bottle of firewhiskey and chocolate because that’s all that was in the boy's dormitory. But a party nonetheless. 

When Lily rejected James for the last time before graduation, he was utterly heartbroken. He’d spent and dedicated seven years of his life to this gorgeous woman. Despite all his efforts and all his charms, she still wasn’t interested. James tried. He really tried. He wanted Lily so bad. His heart broke when she said her final words of goodbye.

“I’m sorry, Potter. Maybe in another life, just not this one.”

Tears had ebbed at the corner of his eyes as he made his way back into the castle from the Black Lake. In the common room, where he felt like he had just got dowsed in water. James made his way to the girl's dormitory. His hand curled into a fist and knocked lightly on the wooden door. Shuffling was heard from the other side, and the door finally opened, revealing his sister. 

Without warning, James crashed into her arms, forcing his nose in the crook of her neck, “Woah.”

“Are you okay, James?”

His body shook with sobs as he shook his head no, “It’s okay. Let’s go lay down, okay?”

Gently she led him to her bed. He curled up beneath the navy blue comforter and placed his head on the silk pillow sheets. If he tried hard enough, he could forget the way Lily’s hair smelt today or the way her green eyes glistened in the sun. Now engulfed in his sister's scent, trying to remove every feeling for Lily possible, he dug his nose deeper into the comforter. 

Y/n sat beside him, her back to the headboard, and ran her fingers through James’ already untied hair, “What's got you so worked up?”

“It’s done.”

“What’s done?”

“L- Lily and I.” James choked, “She- She really doesn’t want me.”

A new wave of tears overcame him, and Y/n continued to try and soothe him, “Well, she’s a tosser.”

James narrowed his eyes, “James, you know I love her. She's my best friend, but if she can’t see what’s right in front of her, then she’s an idiot.”

“Can I- Can I stay here tonight?” He asked hesitantly.

“You sure you don’t want me to stay at your dorm?” Y/n questioned, “Because you know who sleeps here.”

“Will you stay with me?”

“Till the end.”

After a couple of minutes, Y/n and James made their way down the steps to the boy's side. They walked up more steps and finally made it to the boy's dormitory. James collapsed on his bed in the left corner of the room, and Sirius perked up at seeing his girlfriend enter the room. 

“Whatcha doin’ here, love?”

“Staying with my brother.”

Sirius nodded and stood up to hug her, gently pecking her forehead, “If you guys need anything, let me know, ‘kay?”

“Thanks, Siri.” 

Gently Y/n pulled back the maroon curtain and sat down beside him again. James reached for her hand and intertwined their fingers. Something they used to do as kids. When a thunderstorm would go by, James would always seek sanctuary in his sister's comfort. 

He fell asleep that night, knowing he was safe, loved, and knew that someone cared about him. Even if Lily didn’t love him, at least someone else did. He had his boys, and he had his sister. Right now, that’s all he needed beside him: Screw Lily and her idiot decision skills. Y/n was right; she was a complete tosser. 

When Hogwarts was over, James and Y/n got a flat together. Sirius, Remus, and Peter got one only a floor above. Realistically this wasn’t the plan. James always planned to buy a house with Lily, but he was still healing, and after everything going on, it was vital for him to hold his sister close to him.

Euphemia and Fleamont barely lived to see their children graduate. Not too long afterward had died due to the horrid dragon pocks. It devastated both twins and Sirius. While Sirius wasn’t their true child, he very well could’ve. Euphemia noticed Sirius’s lingering stares on Y/n and the loopy smile that graced his features.

She was the one who got Sirius to man up. She was the one who gave him advice. She was the one who told him what books were her favorite, which chocolate she liked the best, her favorite quills. Euphemia was one of the main components in getting Sirius to date her daughter, and when it finally happened, the parents couldn’t have been happier.

James’ ADHD still remained even in his adulthood, making regular everyday tasks much harder and twice as long. Most of the time, the pills were able to help him complete those tasks. But sometimes, when Y/n wasn’t there to remind him, he would miss his days. When Y/n got home from work, she had barely taken off her shoes to see the apartment spotless.

It was a pleasant surprise, but James was never really one to clean, not that she really minded, but the apartment didn’t have a speck of dust on it. Hesitantly she put her keys on the island along with her bag.

“James!”

“Yes, Y/n?”

He appeared in the kitchen where Y/n was, “Um, did you clean the apartment?”

“Yes, I did!” James nodded enthusiastically.

Y/n sighed and gave her brother a sweet smile, “What did you not do today?”

“So, you know how you told me to go to the pharmacy?”

“Mhm.” Y/n nodded, “Indeed I do.”

“Well, they were out of my meds.” James informed, “I have to wait a week.”

“Oh, Merlin.”

“On the bright side!” James was already causing her a headache, “It’s gonna be a fantastic week! I’ve got so many things planned for us! We’re gonna go-“

James continued to ramble as Y/n grabbed her keys, bag and slipped back on her shoes, “I’m going to Sirius’!”

“Thought you were my sister.” James faked pouting, and Y/n smiled, “I love you, but you’re crazy.”

“I love you too!” He yelled as she closed the door.

[jessikahathaway]

Baby Talk - Part II

Pairing: Jikook X Reader (Jimin X Reader X Jungkook)

Genre: Surrogacy!AU, Polyamorous!AU, Romance. (Future Smut)

Warnings: Profanity, medical procedures, pining (Like a stupid amount but what can ya do), Joon and Jin get protective, mentions of pregnancy symptoms. (If I forgot anything please let me know!)

Words: 10.5k (I guess I'm committing to long chapters lol)

You’d hit the four week mark, and not much had happened yet.

Despite you feeling like your hormones were on a swing.

Jimin was bewildered when he came into the bathroom to find you crying on the floor. Trying to comfort you went downhill quickly because soon you were mad that he was joking around. Then you were crying again, apologizing for being so harsh.

Up and down and up and down.

But they never got mad at you. Never yelled at you and never ignored you. But you forced your emotions down deep into your heart. A place that would be locked and the key thrown away. Because you knew what was happening, and it simply couldn’t happen.

It was late and you could feel your stomach begging for something to eat. You’d gotten really hungry lately, no doubt your body trying to accommodate for the new life you were growing inside of you.

So, you hurried to the kitchen under the guise of night and made some rice and a little bit of stir fry. You put together everything, making sure not to make too much, and started cooking.

It was around three in the morning when you sat down at the table and ate your food, looking through your phone with a bored expression. Nothing interesting on social media and YouTube videos were only entertaining for so long. So, you ate your food and cleaned up before starting to head back towards your room.

Then, a large flash went off in the sky, causing you to jolt and look out into the city. Rain was pelting against the window, sounding sharp to your ears. It was a little intimidating.

Then the loud crash of thunder rang through the house.

You yelped at the noise, covering your ears in fear. You’d never particularly liked thunderstorms, but this one was coming in hot and aggressive. You pulled your hands away from your ears, just trying to focus on getting back to your room when another flash lit up the room. Your heart was hammering in your chest and you started to sweat.

Before you could think too much about it you were knocking on Jungkook and Jimin’s door. Another crash of thunder roared through the house and you swear you felt the floor shake. You whimpered in fear and fidgeted with the hem of your shirt. Did they hear you? Or was the storm too loud? Should you go in? What if they weren’t decent?

Jimin had said you could go in if something was wrong...

But did being scared of a thunderstorm count?

FLASH.

BANG.

You couldn’t take it anymore and you burst through the door with tears in your eyes. Fear causing you to shake violently.

Jimin and Jungkook both bolted up in bed at the sound of the door slamming open, and were out of bed instantly at the sight of you shaking on the floor.

“Y/N? What’s going on? Are you alright? Are you hurt?” Jungkook’s worried voice echoed in your ear.

“She’s trembling,” Jimin said, rubbing your back.

“I-I I’m sc-”

FLASH.

BANG.

You cried and flung your arms around Jungkook’s neck, burying your face in his chest, tears streaming down your face as you shook violently. Jungkook looked at Jimin in shock and a little bit of his own fear, but Jimin just took his hand and placed it on your head.

‘Comfort her,’ Jimin mouthed.

Jungkook nodded before rubbing your hip soothingly.

“What’s wrong Y/N? Is it the storm?” He asked, bringing his other hand to your shoulder.

“Y-Yes,” you whimpered, keeping your face buried in Jungkook’s neck.

“It’s alright, Jimin and I got you. You’ll be safe,” Jungkook promised.

Jimin rubbed soothing circles onto your back as the two of them tried to ease your frantic heart. Both of them knowing it can’t be good for the baby. But, also, on you. The stress of carrying a baby was already a lot, the fear of this thunderstorm wasn’t a good addition.

Soon, you had cried yourself to sleep.

Jimin took you in his arms, picking you up and Jungkook followed after him as they headed for your room.

The couple laid you down in bed, brushing your face tenderly. Jungkook watched as Jimin covered you up, bringing the sheets right up under your chin. He smiled at the soft pout on your lips, he wondered if the baby would have your cute pout.

Jimin, moved your hair away from your eyes, tucking it behind your ear gently. When he was certain you were settled he took Jungkook’s hand and headed back to their bedroom.

“God, that scared the fuck out of me,” Jungkook said, sitting down on the side of the bed.

“Me too,” Jimin agreed, rubbing his face in exhaustion.

“Didn’t know she was that scared of storms, makes me want to beat up the sky for scaring her like that,” Jungkook said, frowning.

Jimin laughed lightly, but kissed his boyfriend lovingly. “I know you would if you could, or at the very least, sue it,” he snorted.

“Ooh, yeah, that could work,” Jungkook said.

“I’d never seen her like that, so vulnerable. She always puts up such a tough exterior,” Jimin said, biting his lip.

“Yeah, maybe it shows that she’s starting to trust us. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to live with two people who are kinda strangers to her,” Jungkook said, feeling awkward.

“Well, maybe we can fix that,” Jimin reasoned.

“What do you have in mind my stunningly attractive boyfriend?” Jungkook asked, leaning forward.

“Mmm, let’s take her shopping. Spoil her a bit, you’ve got more zeros in your bank account than I can count on all of my fingers. She’s gonna need maternity clothes anyways. Imagine her all dressed in Gucci and Prada while walking around pregnant with our baby,” Jimin said, appearing to be day dreaming himself.

“That would be... nice... To spoil her, show her we care about her well being and everything,” Jungkook nodded in agreement.

“Let’s do it,” Jimin said, gripping Jungkook’s hands.

“Okay, yeah!”

Unfortunately for the couple, you appeared to be hating every second of this shopping excursion.

“Y/N! Come on,” Jungkook said, walking with Jimin’s hand interlocked with his.

“Coming, coming,” you sighed, following after them.

“Y/N? Are you alright? Do you need a break?” Jimin asked, stopping to take a look at you.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just, sleepy,” you grumbled.

The boys had effectively cut off your caffeine intake as of late, and it was showing. You were more exhausted than ever, just wanting to sleep the day away, but the two men wanting to hear nothing of it today. Normally they would’ve just let you sleep, but, today was a different story.

Jimin bit his lip and looked at Jungkook with concern.

You didn’t seem to be having fun at all.

What was the point in spoiling you if you were just gonna wind up pissed off at the end of it? But maybe you just hadn’t found something you wanted yet. Jimin didn’t want to lose faith so early on, but you really were in a grumpy mood today.

Jungkook pointed out several different kinds of stores, suggesting different ones and you merely told them that whatever they wanted was fine. Feeling defeated already, Jimin told Jungkook to pick a store and maybe you’d find something you wanted in there.

Soon, you were in some high end designer store, looking around with a bored expression on your face. Most girls loved when you spoiled them, wanting nothing more than to have free reign with a credit card and a whole shopping mall. But you looked so fragile and out of place in this big store.

Jungkook looked around and found some things he wanted, Jimin too, but you were still sitting on the bench, head in your hand and looking tired.

The couple looked at each other, wondering what in the world they could do to make you smile. All they wanted to do was spoil you, make you feel better...

“Are you two with the young lady over there,” the store attendant asked, pointing at you with genuine curiosity.

“Ah, yes, she’s with us,” Jimin confirmed.

“I take it she’s not really into the whole shopping experience,” the attendant said, and the couple nodded sadly.

“We just wanted to spoil her, take her out and get her stuff she wanted. But it looks like she’d rather die than be here right now,” Jungkook said, frowning.

“Well, what are some things that she likes?” The shop attendant asked.

“Books,” both of them said quickly.

The attendant laughed at them softly, nodding.

“My wife is a fan of books too, sometimes I wonder if she likes them more than me. But, you said you want to spoil her right? Tell her that, explain what you’re doing, sometimes that helps,” he offered.

Jimin nodded, looking over at your sleepy figure in the corner of the store.

“It’s worth a shot,” he said.

The pair thanked the shop attendant for his time and headed towards you.

You looked up and tried to give the couple a smile, but it looked awkward and forced, making them frown even more. Jungkook sat down next to you, and Jimin kneeled in front of you.

“Y/N, do you know why we forced you out of your blankety cocoon today?” Jimin asked, looking at you with curiosity.

“You said you wanted to take me shopping,” you said, gazing back at him.

“Exactly, we wanted to take you shopping. Not just shop for ourselves and drag you around. We want to spoil you, give you whatever you want. All you have to do is ask and you can have it, Y/N, money isn’t an issue here,” Jimin said.

Biting your lip you felt yourself get uncomfortable. “I-I don’t really like being spoiled, you know? I um... It makes me feel weird,” you said, rubbing your neck.

“The last thing we wanted to do was make you upset,” Jungkook said, biting his lip.

“No I’m not upset I just feel awkward,” you explained.

“Oh, there’s no need to feel awkward Y/N, it’s just us,” Jimin reassured.

“People keep staring at us, like I’m some lame friend third wheeling on a date,” you sighed, rubbing your face.

Jimin and Jungkook both swallowed hard.

They hadn’t realized people were staring. But it would make sense, Jimin and Jungkook were known in the city and suddenly a girl is walking around with them? That did seem a bit odd. They were also regulars in this mall and no doubt the staff were looking too.

God, they had messed this whole day up.

“Oh Y/N, we’re sorry,” Jungkook said, pressing his hands to his face.

“Sorry? Sorry for what?” You asked, turning to look at him with confusion.

“Not including you,” Jimin explained.

“There’s no need to include me-” you started when Jungkook cut you off quickly.

“Yes there is, you’re carrying our baby, we want you to feel comfortable and safe. Not ignored and shut out, that’s not fair to you,” he said, brushing his hair away from his face.

“Yeah, we want you to have whatever you want. As long as it isn’t unhealthy for you or the baby,” Jimin said.

“This isn’t about flexing or whatever on other people, this is about you. And what you want,” Jungkook said.

“Well,” you said, worrying your lip with your teeth.

“Yes?” Jimin said, leaning forward.

“It’s, well, I guess some new clothes wouldn’t be bad. I’ll need maternity stuff,” you told them.

“Yes! Absolutely! We can do that!” Jimin said, standing up and pulling you with him.

However, it was a little too fast for you, causing your head to spin. Jungkook was steadying you with his warm palms on your waist, Jimin keeping you upright with his hands around your wrists.

“Sorry Y/N! I-I wasn’t thinking and I got so excited, sorry,” Jimin frowned at himself.

“It’s alright,” you said, not wanting him to be upset over something that didn’t really matter.

“I need to be more gentle with you, you’re carrying our baby for Christ sakes,” Jimin huffed.

You nodded, noticing the stern look on Jimin’s face. Licking your dry lips, you looked down at your feet. You were only a month along so you couldn’t really see anything yet. But knowing there was a life inside of you made you feel a little flutter in your chest every time you thought about it.

However, you needed to get that under control.

This wasn’t your baby.

And that’s just how it was going to be.

Jimin and Jungkook had managed to drag you into a designer store for mothers apparently, because everything in here looked like it was worth a fortune. How were you supposed to pick something and wear it when you were afraid it was gonna get dirty? For fucksake you were almost certain they would be ruined by the end of this pregnancy.

“Ooh! Y/N, pink is your color,” Jimin smiled, holding up a rose colored blouse at you.

Looking down you saw small daisies printed on the shirt as well. It was cute, you had to give him that. You agreed to try it on, but only if he promised not to show you the price tag. Jimin nodded quickly.

Jungkook came around the corner, carrying a couple different articles of clothing. Mainly dresses, as they would be a comfortable and easy choice. But there were some skirts and blouses in his arms too. After finding the ones you liked the three of you were sent to the dressing rooms.

Jimin and Jungkook waited outside on the bench, demanding a fashion show from you. You rolled your eyes, but didn’t say no before you headed in and tried on a couple of outfits.

You walked out and did a little spin every time, Jungkook and Jimin giving their opinions. Which were always small claps with whistles accompanying them.

Then you walked out in a shorter green sundress that you had managed to grab on the shelf without looking at the tag, thank God. It was green with splashes of turquoise and white that made your eyes pop beautifully. There was a cutout at the top that showed a little bit of cleavage but it wasn’t an insane amount. Nothing you thought anything of anyways.

It came to your knees, and it was generous with the room in it. No doubt when you were showing it would come up to your mid thigh. Fluffing your hair you walked out and smiled at the boys. Jungkook’s eyes trailed down your body. This was the first non maxi dress you’d tried on, even the skirts had been considerably modest. So, they were getting the first glimpse at your skin.

Jimin was stunned.

You were absolutely gorgeous. A vision.

Legs looking gorgeous and long, skirt fluttering around your knees but Jimin couldn’t help imagine you when you were showing a little more. Would it ride up higher? Clearing his throat he smiles at you.

“It looks really good, Y/N, I didn’t pick this one. Did you Kook?” Jimin said, turning to his boyfriend, who seemed to still be in a stupor.

“Jungkook?” You said, looking at the doe eyed man with a little bit of worry pinching your features.

“Yes? No, it-you look amazing Y/N, did you pick this out?” He asked you.

“I did, yeah,” you answered.

“Little sneak, do you really want to stop our hearts?” Jimin teased.

Blushing you brushed your hair behind your ear and stared at your shoes. Jungkook looked at you with so much longing it made Jimin’s heart stammer. Not out of jealousy, but something else. Jimin shook the thought from his head.

Soon you were all settled back in the car, several shopping bags in the back. Jimin and Jungkook had requested a driver today, wanting to just enjoy the experience. So, the driver dutifully drove while the three of you sat in the back.

You looked out the window and watched scenery pass you by. Jimin and Jungkook looked at you, each with a similar look on their face and similar feelings in their chest. But neither of them were brave enough to admit it to themselves. Not when they almost had everything they’ve ever wanted, or what they thought they wanted...

Getting out of the car, Jimin asked the driver to have the bags delivered up to their apartment. The driver nodded before disappearing.

The three of you made your way up to the apartment, but not before Jimin and Jungkook spilled that they had a surprise for you. Looking at them with a menacing glare, Jungkook broke first as you three made it into the entryway of the apartment.

“It’s nothing crazy, just... We didn’t want you feeling like the third wheel or, you know, not a part of this. You are just as important to us as the baby you are carrying, and while you’re with us we want you happy and... so we got you this,” Jungkook said, holding out the signature blue box that made your stomach churn with how much it must’ve cost.

“Please, don’t ask how much it cost. It doesn’t matter as long as it makes you happy,” Jimin whispered.

Slowly, you opened the box and a beautiful moon pendant sparkling in diamonds and white gold stared at you. You damn near dropped the thing because of how gorgeous it was. Jungkook and Jimin froze on the spot when they saw tears starting to fall down your face.

“Do you not like it?” Jimin asked.

“Is it too much? Did we go overboard?” Jungkook worried.

“N-No, it’s beautiful,” you said, touching the pendant with a delicate finger.

“Do you want to put it on?” Jungkook asked, hoping to God that you didn’t throw this pendant back in their faces.

“Yes, please,” you said, handing Jungkook the back and brushing your hair out of the way so he had access.

Slowly, you watched as the beautiful moon swung just above your cleavage, kissing your chest lightly. It was fastened behind your neck and you turned around, looking at the two men with a bright smile on your face.

Then, they held up their wrists.

A sun and a star.

You looked and saw it was all a matching set.

“You guys, you really,” you said, smiling softly.

“Honestly, Y/N, you’re our equal in this. You aren’t just a womb we’re renting,” Jimin said. “You’re a person, with wants and feelings and we want you to feel that. More than anything, we want you happy and safe.”

“We’re so thrilled you chose us, seriously. If there’s anything you want, anything you need, name it, we’ll get it for you. Scouts honor,” Jungkook said, holding up his hand.

Feeling an overwhelming sense of emotion, more tears ran down your cheeks, making you sniffle and wipe at them with irritation. You didn’t want to cry right now, you were happy! Now, you just looked like a snotty red mess.

“Aw, don’t cry Y/N!” Jungkook said, coming forward to wipe your tears.

“God you guys are such turds, making me cry all the time,” you sniffled.

“It’s not our fault!” Jimin said.

“It is very much your fault,” you said, holding your stomach gently.

A rush of air left the two of them at you doing something so maternal. It made Jungkook’s blood burst into flames, and Jimin had to swallow a moan at the knowledge of you being pregnant with his baby. You cocked your head to the side and looked at the two silent men.

“Okay, well... Thanks for today you two... I’m glad I got to be spoiled a little bit. I’m gonna go take a shower, are we ordering out for dinner tonight?” You asked. They were still silent and you wondered what the fuck broke them when Jimin blinked rapidly a few times before clearing his throat.

“Y-You’re welcome, if you want to go again just tell us and we can,” he said, fighting to keep his calm exterior.

“Okay, I’m gonna go take a shower then,” you said again, taking off towards the stairs.

Jungkook damn near collapsed on the floor when you were finally gone.

“Jesus,” he said, panting hard.

“Do you, do you feel it too?” Jimin asked, gazing at the area where you had been standing.

“Yeah,” Jungkook croaked.

“Fuck what’s wrong with us? She’s here for us to care for her, to nurture her, not use her like some object,” Jimin said, running his hands through his hair in frustration.

Jungkook rubbed his shoulders, trying to soothe his boyfriend’s frantic thoughts. He agreed. You weren’t someone for them to use and abuse... You were the mother of their child and you deserved to be respected. But God if the thought of you didn’t send their minds spiraling.

“I know... We just gotta tough it out I guess. What else can we do?” Jungkook reasoned.

“I don’t know Kook, I don’t know,” Jimin said, gripping his boyfriend’s hand tightly.

—

The six week mark came and so did the morning sickness. To start, it was just waves of nausea, but soon it turned into full blown vomiting.

It was around seven in the morning and you had barely slept a wink. You felt jittery and restless, unable to relax. But when you sat up to head to the kitchen for something to eat, your stomach flipped. Soon, you were in the bathroom getting sick in the toilet.

Shortly you heard a knocking at the door.

“Y/N? Sweetie are you alright?” Jimin’s worried voice echoed through the door.

“Yeah,” you wheezed, trying to keep yourself from hurling again.

“Can I come in?” His light tone echoed through the room.

“Yeah,” you said, feeling another rush of nausea washing over you as he comes in. You looked and saw his worried face come into focus.

“Oh sweetheart,” Jimin said, rubbing your back as you got sick once more.

“Jimin? Y/N?” Jungkook’s voice echoed in the apartment.

“We’re in the bathroom Kook!” Jimin yelled.

Shortly Jungkook’s footsteps came into the bathroom. He was frowning, knowing you must be uncomfortable and there wasn’t much he could do for you. Watching Jimin rub your back gave him a sense of comfort however.

You were struggling with your chest being tender also. Every time you moved against the toilet you felt a jolt of pain go down your spine. Wincing when you came back up, Jimin had gotten you a little cup of water. You swished the cool liquid around before spitting it out and standing up slowly, per Jimin’s instructions.

You brushed your teeth and told the boys you were alright. They left and you did the rest of your morning routine. Jimin came back into your room and asked if you were ready for breakfast. You nodded and let Jimin lead you to the kitchen table. Jimin, taking note of your poor start to the day, asked if you wanted anything in particular for breakfast. Thinking back you really enjoyed the Nutella and banana toast he made for you a while back.

He nodded and started the toaster quickly. Jungkook had been working overtime recently and had to leave shortly after your bathroom incident. Soon, two pieces of Nutella toast with bananas were placed in front of you.

But the second the smell of banana hit your nose, you were scrunching up your face in disgust. Jimin looked at you with confusion. Then it dawned on him: food sensitivity.

Quickly removing the plate he asked if anything else sounded good, and you came up with the weird combination that was scrambled eggs with cream cheese.

Jimin looked on with a light smile on his face as you scarfed down the eggs and cream cheese without a single nose scrunch. It always made him happy to see you eating. Keeping up your health for the sake of the baby and you made him happy.

Soon, you were done and Jimin had gone into the living room to watch some TV when you noticed him sitting there. Lounging on the couch was a normal thing, but, looking at him now you-you couldn’t put your finger on it. He just looked so good, sitting there. He’d recently redid his hair so it was a beautiful blond color. His eyes wandered from the television to you, standing there in your loose t-shirt and pajama shorts.

He licked his lips for a moment, but that was all it took for you.

The flash of his tongue made you slightly weak in the knees, causing you to grip the edge of the table for support. Jimin seemed to mistake this for a more serious problem as he was up in a matter of seconds to come to your side.

“Y/N? What’s the matter?” He asked, looking at you with concern.

“I-I’m good,” you said, giving him a thumbs up. “I think I just ate too fast.”

Jimin mulled this over in his head for a moment before nodding and stepping back.

“As long as you’re okay,” he said, heading back towards the couch.

But your symptoms weren’t just limited to food sensitivity, morning sickness and random bouts of arousal, oh no... The best one was the nightmares that had taken over your sleep schedule.

Normally they were just vague things that you forgot about when you woke up. But they were becoming more vivid. More, unsettling.

You were dreaming being in pools of blood, sometimes it was yours, sometimes it belonged to the boys. Sometimes you didn’t know where it came from, but it was always there. Never to be washed away, only to drown in...

You were caught up in the throes of a particularly bad nightmare...

You’d miscarried and lost the baby, Jimin and Jungkook were heartbroken and left you bleeding out on the floor as you stared up into the ceiling, dying.

The room was tilted and everything was wobbly.

You tried to go after them, to ask for another chance. But it was too late, they were gone.

Screaming, you bolted up in your bed. Tears flowing down your cheeks at a rapid rate. Your heart was hammering in your chest so loud you swore you could feel it in your throat.

You heard the slamming of a door and soon Jimin and Jungkook barged into your room, looking around frantically until they found you on your bed, shaking and crying into your hands.

“Y/N!” They yelled, going to your sides and trying to get you to talk to them.

“Sweetie, what happened? Why did you scream?” Jimin asked, petting your hair trying to soothe you.

“I-I had a nightmare, I-I lost the baby and, then lost you two,” you whimpered, covering your face again.

Jungkook swallowed thickly, the image of you crying being burned into his memory. He hated seeing you like this. It hurt him to see you so distraught. Jimin, too, was struggling with your emotions. He just wanted you happy and healthy, free from any worry and troubles of the real world. But of course, he couldn’t protect you from everything and everyone. No matter how much he wanted to.

“Y/N, it’s okay. We’re right here, we aren’t going anywhere,” said Jungkook. You were crying violently, looking at the bed spread with blurred vision. Jimin looked at Jungkook with worry written all over his features, your smaller frame sat shaking in the bed as the two males tried to comfort you.

Jungkook hesitantly reached out to wipe the tears from your face. You looked up at the man with puffy cheeks and swollen eyes, before glancing back down at your lap.

“You aren’t going to lose us, Y/N,” Jimin reassured.

“I’m scared,” you whispered, so broken that it had both of their eyes tearing up at the sound.

“It’s alright, we’re scared too,” Jimin said, patting your hair gently. “But we’ll get through this.”

“There was so much blood,” you whimpered, biting your lip trying to keep the sobs from coming out.

“Y/N,” Jungkook said, feeling his eyes burning with unshed tears of his own.

“I was dying and you just... left me there,” you confessed.

“We could never leave you just like that Y/N, ever,” Jimin said, sounding shocked.

“We’d never forgive ourselves if something happened to you,” Jungkook whispered.

Jimin grabbed his hand, rubbing his fingers over the knuckles. He knew seeing you like this was hard on both of them, and knowing how much you truly didn’t think they cared was also hurtful. Because all they wanted was to tell you you didn’t have to leave... But it couldn’t work like that.

Jimin’s work as a high end therapist was already wobbly because of his relationship with Jungkook. As unfortunate as it is, people didn’t want his help if he was dating a fellow man.

And Jungkook had already been shamed for his love publicly, the gossip forums on the newspaper and websites having a hay day with his image. He’d worked so hard to show he wasn’t any different than a straight man when it came to his work. But, the world is a cruel place, and social norms often reared their ugly heads with Jungkook.

They couldn’t drag you into that cesspool of nasty comments and uncomfortable encounters. It was a harsh reality, but it was the one you were all living in. And there wasn’t anything they could do about it.

Jungkook wanted to scream about how it was unfair. How you sitting here with them wasn’t wrong, as long as you all cared about one another, how could it be? But they both knew how this would end.

With you walking out of their lives and your child’s life, forever.

“I’m sorry for waking you up,” you hiccuped, swallowing down the rest of your tears.

“No, don’t be sorry,” Jimin said, rubbing your shoulder.

“If something’s wrong we want you to tell us,” Jungkook said, looking at you with misty eyes.

“I-I will,” you said, wiping your face.

“Are you going to be able to go back to sleep?” Jimin asked, looking at your state with concern.

“I should be able to,” you said, trying to convince yourself of the same thing.

“We can stay with you, until you’re asleep,” Jungkook offered before even thinking. Jimin’s head snapped to the younger male, who was already shrinking.

“W-Would you?” Your soft voice spoke up.

Jimin nodded finally, crawling into the bed with you and Jungkook following suit. They each took a hand and held it tightly. Jimin drew different shapes and patterns on your palm, making you giggle when it tickled. Jungkook interlocked your fingers together, running his thumb over your soft skin like Jimin did with him when he was nervous or scared.

Sooner, rather than later, you were passed out once more, hands clutching Jimin and Jungkook’s.

The men managed to untangle themselves from you as they went back to their room, hearts heavy. When the door shut, Jungkook burst into tears.

“Oh my sweet boy, don’t cry,” Jimin said, wiping his boyfriend’s cheeks carefully.

“Jimin,” he said, forehead resting on the older man’s shoulder.

“I know, it hurts me too,” Jimin whispered.

“I just want her to know that she’s not just a convenience, she’s so much more than that,” Jungkook whimpered.

“Yeah,” Jimin said, thinking of your body curled up on the couch with a good book and a warm drink next to you. Your smile when your favorite song comes on in the car. The way you’re already so protective over the baby.

“I don’t know if it’s because she’s carrying our baby or what, but, I want to be closer to her. I want to know everything about her... God I don’t know what to do with myself Jimin,” Jungkook complained, wiping at his tears in frustration.

“We just gotta keep it in our mind that she had a life before this, and she’ll have a life after it too. S-She’s doing this because we’re paying her Jungkook. Of course that isn’t the only reason but, it is the main one,” Jimin reminded his boyfriend, and himself.

Even though the words felt hollow in the air.

“I guess,” Jungkook said.

“You’ve got work early, we need to go back to bed,” Jimin said, motioning for Jungkook to get into bed as well. The two men cuddled up to each other, each feeling like something, or someone, was missing...

--

Faster than you thought possible, the ten week mark had come.

It was time to get your first ultrasound of the pregnancy.

The boys were over the moon about the whole thing. Excitedly chatting in the car.

“I hope we can see the baby well,” Jungkook said, driving carefully through the street.

Jimin hummed in agreement. “Me too, the baby is still super small right now. About the size of a prune but, we’ll still be able to see them on the screen. And, we can hear their heartbeat!”

You smiled at their excitement. Bringing your fingers up you brushed the pendant they gave you, a nervous habit you’d picked up shortly after their gifting it to you. Jungkook looked at you in the rearview, playing with the sparkling jewelry piece. It made his chest feel tight, looking at you. Jimin placed a hand on his, making Jungkook focus on him for a moment.

Jimin shook his head and Jungkook swallowed thickly, knowing exactly what he meant.

Soon, you were all at the clinic.

Jimin helped you out of the backseat, getting your bag and whatnot so you didn’t have to fuss with it. Jungkook placed a protective hand on your lower back, guiding you into the building.

You felt your heart flutter in your chest at the action, having to cover up your blushing with a cough. Jimin urged you to sit down while he got the paperwork, something you didn’t fight him on. You were exhausted as of late.

The boys reassured you it was normal to be tired. You knew, however, that you were a little more tired than normal. Briefly you wondered if it was because it was your first time and you’d never felt something like this. However, that didn’t sit right. You knew there was something going on, but you didn’t want to worry the boys. Especially since you were getting an ultrasound today.

Sitting next to Jungkook in the waiting room, he made small talk. Asking how you were feeling and if the morning sickness had gotten any better.

“It’s gotten worse,” you complained, leaning your head back in the seat.

“Really? Maybe we can ask the doctor to prescribe something for you,” he said.

“It should be going away soon, I’ll be alright,” you reassured, patting his knee.

“Sometimes it doesn’t go away until the baby is born, I just don’t want you to suffer if we can do something about it,” Jungkook said softly.

“If it gets too bad, I’ll say something. Okay?” You said, keeping a gentle smile on your face.

“Yeah, okay,” he agreed.

Jimin came back and took Jungkook’s hand, intertwining their fingers together. Jimin had a habit of tracing the tattoos on Jungkook’s hands when he was nervous, it made you smile.

Eventually a nurse called your name and led you back to the ultrasound room. Jungkook smiled and sat down in the chair provided. Jimin helped you up onto the table and the ultrasound tech went over what they would be looking for and opened it up for questions.

When no one had any, she proceeded.

“Okay, I just need you to pull the front of your pants down a little bit,” the tech asked, prepping the machine.

You immediately turned and looked at Jungkook and Jimin, then down at your stomach. It wasn’t a big deal, it was just a little bit anyways.

Without much more thought you pulled your pants so just the top of your panties were showing. Jungkook’s eyes widened at your actions, but he tried to keep a calm exterior. Jimin kept his eyes trained on the screen, not wanting you to feel uncomfortable.

The ultrasound gel was cold, making you jump when it came in contact with your skin. But soon it was warming to your skin and you all looked at the screen with rapt attention.

“Alright so we should see the head and curvature of the body, but other than that this is just to make sure that everything is looking good in the uterus and to see if there are any abnormalities with the baby-oh! Babies it appears,” the tech said, a big smile on her face.

“What?” Jimin said.

“There’s another head there, if you look right here,” she pointed at the screen. “Looks like you’ve got a set of twins in there!”

Jungkook’s eyes teared up, looking down at your stomach with his heart in his throat.

You were stunned.

Twins?

The first try?

Wow, you really did win the lottery.

“Oh my God,” Jimin said, hiding his face in Jungkook’s shoulder.

“Way to go, got those twins first try,” you said, trying to keep your nerves under control.

“It’s all thanks to you Y/N, we couldn’t do it without you,” Jungkook reminded.

“Are you guys going to want the pictures?” The tech asked. Jimin and Jungkook of course said yes.

“Wow, look at their heads babe!” Jimin yelped as you all walked out of the clinic together. Jimin was still cooing over the pictures of the twins from the ultrasound.

“I need to put it in my wallet,” he said, bringing out the accessory shortly after.

You smiled at their excitement. You were beyond happy, you’d done it. Gave them the twins they desperately wanted. First try too. You knew that meant a few more complications, but, you didn’t want that to hold too much weight over you.

“We should call Namjoon and Jin! Tell them the news about the twins!”

You nodded quickly, wanting to tell your friends the update.

Namjoon and Jin were thrilled, obviously. Insisting that they’ll give Annie to Jin’s parents for the night so you could all get together and have a meal. Agreeing, the boys set it up for around seven thirty.

“Dress nice! I also expect to see those ultrasound pictures!” Jin said through the phone.

You snorted and shook your head, gently touching your stomach. You felt a fluttering in your chest, like you were standing on the edge of a tall building or something. It made you gasp lightly, moving your hand away from your belly to your chest. Jimin seemed to notice your movement because he was turning around in his seat.

“Everything alright there?” He asked, looking at you with his beautiful brown eyes.

“Y-yeah, I’m good. We’re-good,” you said, pointing to your tummy. Jimin’s eyes lit up at the mention of the babies.

“Okay, tell me if you need anything,” he said, turning around and facing the front once more.

You all walked back into the apartment, Jungkook still gushing about everything. You simply smiled and went to go get ready for dinner.

Jin did say to look nice, so you picked out a few things from your shopping excursion a while back. Putting on a dress that looked skin tight but it was super stretchy, so no doubt you could wear it late into the pregnancy. The zipper on the back would be an issue but, it made you feel a little sexy. You hadn’t really done a lot in regards to your appearance around the boys, you didn’t see the need.

But, it wouldn’t hurt to do your hair and dress nicely...

You had the perfect shoes to pair with the dress. You grabbed some stockings and a few other small pieces of jewelry, placing them on the bed while you assembled everything together the way you wanted it.

Eventually, you were all set.

Except for the zipper on the back.

You didn’t understand why there was a zipper on such a stretchy dress, but fashion has its ways you guess. Reaching behind you proved unsuccessful. Quickly growing frustrated, you did the following without thinking.

“Jimin? Jungkook? Can one of you come here for a second please?”

Once the words were out, you immediately wished you could eat them.

But the damage had been done.

Both men walked in your room.

Jimin’s jaw dropped open, looking at you in awe.

You were in knee high stockings, low heels and a slinky black dress that hugged your body so perfectly it made him want to drop to his knees. Jungkook fared no better. Seeing your hair styled and a little bit of makeup on your features really enhanced your natural beauty. They both were staring, making you shrink in embarrassment.

“O-Okay, you can blink any time now,” you said, chuckling to ease the tension in the room.

“You look... wow,” Jimin breathed.

“Incredible. You look incredible,” Jungkook said, eyes trailing down your legs.

“Thank you, but, um... Could one of you please come zip me up? I can’t reach the zipper,” you said, turning your back to them fully.

Jungkook stared at his boyfriend with an almost agonized look on his face. Jimin nodded and walked forward, brushing your hair out of the way. Placing a gentle hand on your hip Jimin pulled the zipper up to the top, covering each inch of your beautiful skin.

Jungkook swallowed his noise of protest, trying to remember what Jimin had said. You weren’t an object for them to use, you were their surrogate. The woman who would be birthing their twins. And then leaving...

Jimin knew if Jungkook had walked forward to zip up your dress he wouldn’t be able to keep it together. Jimin wasn’t doing that hot either to be honest. Your hips flared out. Looking so beautiful hugged in the dress, and the warmth of your skin beneath his fingertips was... alarming.

“Thank you,” you said, turning around with a smile on your face.

Jimin couldn’t help but mirror your grin.

“Absolutely, are you ready to go now?” He asked, trying to keep from getting distracted any more.

“Yeah, let’s go! I want Jin to feed me so much I burst,” you said, heading towards the door. Once you were gone, Jungkook looked at Jimin.

“This is only getting harder,” Jungkook said, biting his lip.

“Are you going to be alright?” Jimin questioned, placing his hand on Jungkook’s shoulder.

“Yeah, just... This feels wrong,” Jungkook whispered.

“What feels wrong?” Jimin asked.

“Keeping her at arm's length, I just feel awkward. Pushing her away when she’s doing something so big for us, it’s really emotionally charged and... I feel like a jerk for treating her like just another person. Like she isn’t special,” Jungkook explained, brushing his hair out of his face.

“I understand,” Jimin said, trying to smooth the frown lines from Jungkook’s face.

“Boys? Are you coming?” Your voice echoed through the house.

“Coming!” Jimin said. “We’ll talk about this later, okay? We’ll figure this out.”

—

The dinner at Jin and Namjoon’s was beyond anything you’d expected.

There was so much food and honestly, you ate a lot. Lying back in your chair, tilting your head back you sighed. Rubbing your stomach unconsciously. But the boys noticed everything. Especially how amazing you looked in that outfit.

It was just about all they could do to keep their hands off of you. Jungkook was fidgeting the whole night, being the one who sat next to you. He really tried to keep his cool, but a man could only take so much.

“So, Y/N, how does it feel to be pregnant with twins?” Namjoon asked, taking a small bite of rice.

“Honestly? It’s not been a cake walk, let me tell you. My mood swings are everywhere, my chest is killing me, food is either a hit or miss and don’t get me started on how arou-ahem,” you froze at your brazen attitude. Jimin and Jungkook’s heads snapped at your statement, looking at you with masked emotions. “Sorry, got carried away. Anyways, it’s been wild. But, I’m really glad to be doing it, you know? The boys take good care of me,” you praised, smiling at the two of them now.

Namjoon noticed it first.

The twinkle in Jungkook’s eyes at your words. How genuinely happy he seemed listening to you talk. Jimin’s body language was always engaged with you, never closing off or making it appear like he wasn’t interested.

Namjoon’s eyes widened.

This would need to be discussed...

Soon, everyone was sitting in the living room, just digesting. When you got up and said you had to use the restroom.

When the men were alone, Namjoon attacked.

“What are you guys doing?” He asked, looking at the two younger men with worry in his features.

“What do you mean?” Jimin quizzed right back.

“Listen, I’ve been friends with Y/N for a long time. I really care about her and want only the best for her. I also want you guys to be happy and healthy and have your own family, so please don’t take what I’m about to say personally but-what the fuck?” He asked.

“What do you mean what the fuck?” Jungkook asked.

“Why are you looking at her like that?” Namjoon asked, feeling his frustration rise.

“Like what?!” Jimin argued.

“Like you-Like you, are all, like... a couple?” Namjoon said, feeling the awkward tension rising in the room.

“What?” Jungkook coughed.

“We aren’t together,” Jimin said slowly.

“But do you want to be?” Namjoon asked.

Jungkook broke first.

“I don’t know,” he whispered, placing his head in his hands. Jimin was quick to comfort the younger male, rubbing his back in big, soothing circles.

“It’s a new experience for us. We just want her to be happy and healthy and safe. You know, take care of her,” Jimin explained, skirting around the question.

“Of course, but, there’s a difference between appreciation and affection,” Jin said, speaking up.

“Y-Yeah, we know that,” Jimin answered. “I’m a therapist, I know what emotions are.”

Namjoon rolled his eyes.

“If you know what emotions are then why are you denying your own?” he asked.

“I’m not!”

“Bullshit,” Namjoon challenged.

“This is fucking ridiculous,” Jimin growled.

“What’s all the angry whispering out here for?” You asked, walking back into the room. The energy snapped within an instant.

“It’s alright, just a heated debate about politics,” Namjoon joked, giving you a tender smile.

“Oookay?” You said, coming back in to sit down next to Jungkook, who was trying his best to not squirm when your thigh brushed his.

The rest of the night moved rather calmly, but not without a fierce monopoly game that almost caused a few table flips. Jungkook wound up losing and threw a mini tantrum. But it was quickly smoothed over when you promised you’d bake him some cookies the next time he had a day off.

While Namjoon and Jin were cleaning up, Jungkook and Jimin discovered your sleeping frame on the couch once more. Breaths coming in even and slow, they smiled at you. Your lips were pouting lightly, something they’d discovered was a habit when you were sleeping.

And Jungkook adored it.

He came over to your side and tried to wake you up, but when you whined and fussed he decided it would just be easier to carry you to the car. Carefully, the strong young man lifted you into his arms and towards the door. Jimin got the rest of your things all together and they thanked Jin and Namjoon for the meal and night.

But before they left, Namjoon grabbed Jimin by the shoulder. Jungkook waited, looking back in worry. Jimin waved him on, saying he’d be there in a minute. Jungkook nodded before heading out the door.

“What?” Jimin asked.

“I’m sorry about earlier, I overstepped. I didn’t mean to offend you or Jungkook. It’s just, Y/N is very inexperienced when it comes to love and emotions and having that connection. I’m worried about what’s happening to her. I don’t want her to get her hopes up and be crushed later on,” he explained.

Jimin nodded his head.

“I accept your apology. I didn’t mean to fly off the handle either, Jungkook and I have been... Discussing it. But it’s not an easy thing to come to terms with, we aren’t sure what we feel for her... We know we care about her, but is it because she’s our surrogate and we want to care for her? Or is it something deeper? We don’t know,” Jimin sighed, running his fingers through his hair.

“Y/N is so special. She gives without thinking, she is so dedicated to those she cares about... she’d give the shirt off her back to someone she didn’t even know. It’s hard not to love her, but... she doesn’t deserve to be pulled in a million different directions either. But you all deserve to be happy, I’m always here if you need to talk,” Namjoon offered.

Jimin smiled lightly. “That’s normally my line.”

“You guys are good people, I wouldn’t have recommended Y/N do this if I didn’t trust you. But, just... please don’t take advantage of her heart. And don’t lie to yourselves either.”

Jimin nodded, looking down at the floor with a resolute nod.

“Thanks, both of you,” Jimin said, giving a small wave before heading out towards the car. Jungkook already had you buckled and settled in.

“What was that about?” Jungkook asked, getting into the front seat.

“He wanted to apologize for earlier, he felt like he overstepped. And, he wanted to explain why he was so defensive over Y/N,” Jimin said.

Jungkook nodded and started the car, taking off down the road.

“Why is he so protective? Did they like, date in the past or something?” Jungkook asked. Jimin shook his head.

“N-No, Y/N hasn’t ever had a boyfriend or girlfriend,” Jimin said, resting his head in his hand.

“What? Really?” Jungkook balked. Trying to think of how someone like you hadn’t ever been snatched up before. You were a total catch! But, you did tend to keep to yourself.

“Yeah, she told me about it the day she had her IUI done,” Jimin explained.

“Oh, so-wait. She’s having a baby when she’s never, like, had sex?” Jungkook said. “Is that safe?”

“I mean I’m sure it’s safe but, she’s not... Um, she told me she’s had sex before,” Jimin said.

“Wow, how did this all come up?” Jungkook asked.

“Well, she mentioned something about wanting someone who looked at her the way we look at each other,” Jimin blushed.

“She’s so cute,” Jungkook groaned. “Well, at least she’s been with someone before. You know, had that kind of pleasure.”

Jimin coughed, rubbing his neck. Jungkook looked at him weirdly.

“What?”

“She may have off-handedly mentioned that she’s never, uh... You know, finished,” Jimin flushed. Jungkook looked floored at the information.

“You mean to tell me, that some jerk took her virginity and didn’t fucking make it special? What a fucking tool bag,” Jungkook growled.

“I don’t know the story, she didn’t divulge that kind of information. I was the one who guessed she’s never finished, and she was pretty embarrassed about it all to be honest,” Jimin said.

“That is so frustrating,” Jungkook said.

“Yeah.”

The car was quiet, save for your soft little snores coming from the back seat.

“Did you hear what she said during dinner?” Jimin asked. “When she was talking about her pregnancy symptoms.”

“Yeah...” Jungkook trailed off.

“I wish we could do something for her, I feel so bad,” Jimin whispered.

“We can be there to support her but we can’t over step either,” Jungkook said.

“I know, normally I’m the one reminding you of that,” Jimin huffed.

“I understand it’s not easy for either of us,” Jungkook said softly.

“Maybe we just need a god romp in the sheets to get it out of our system hmm?” Jimin teased, running a hand up Jungkook’s thigh. Jungkook couldn’t help the hiss that came out of his mouth at the touch. They hadn’t really been active in that way since you’d come into the house.

“Y-You know how loud I get,” Jungkook said, swallowing hard.

“Oh I’m very aware how loud I can make you scream,” Jimin winked.

“Stop, I’m already hard,” Jungkook whined.

“I bet you are baby,” Jimin said, squeezing his boyfriend’s thigh tight.

“Stop, please,” Jungkook whined.

“Mmm,” Jimin said, not sensing that Jungkook really wanted him to stop. “And what if I keep going baby? What if I snuck my hand into your pants and tugged your pathetic little cock until you came huh? Make you come all over your expensive pants and make you lick it up?”

“Jimin,” Jungkook said, cock straining against his pants.

“Yes baby? What does my baby want, huh?” Jimin asked, so sweet... Almost dangerous.

“I-I want-”

“Mmm, are we home yet?” You voice perked up from the back seat.

“Y/N?” Jimin asked, turning to look at you. Your eyes were bleary from sleep and it was obvious you must’ve just woken up. Jungkook adjusted himself in the seat, trying to hide his throbbing erection from your sight.

“Yeah?” You said, blinking slow.

“Sweetie,” Jimin cooed, brushing a few strands of your hair back from your face, even though it was an awkward angle for him.

“Jungkook are you okay?” You asked, noticing how tense the young man’s posture was.

“I-I’m good,” he said, trying to hide his arousal.

“Okay,” you said, laying your head back down.

Jungkook pulled the car into the front slot of the building, handing the keys over to the valet. The two of them brought you out of the car and Jimin decided it was his turn to carry you up to the apartment. So, the three of you all made it to the apartment in silence.

You were awake, but you weren’t feeling too terribly chatty. Sleep still at the forefront of your mind. Jungkook and Jimin hadn’t spoken since you got out of the car, and you can’t help but feel like you were in the middle of something kinda intense. The charged feeling in the room making you shift against Jimin’s chest.

He looked down at you, trying to keep himself from jostling you too much. You were exhausted. But soon, you felt bile rising in your throat...

“Jimin put me down,” you said, holding your hand to the mouth. Just as he set you down you scrambled to the bathroom and threw up the massive dinner you’d eaten. Jimin and Jungkook were rushing right after you. Jungkook brought your hair away from your face. Jimin sat down next to him to rub your back.

You got to the point where you were just dry heaving into the toilet, but it didn’t seem to end.

“Oh fuck,” you croaked, coughing hard.

“You want some water?” Jimin asked.

“No, I’m scared I’ll just throw that up too,” you whined.

“It might be better than just dry heaving,” Jimin said.

“You got a point,” you huffed, trying to keep your head from spinning.

“I’ll get you some,” he said, moving off the floor to head towards the kitchen. Jungkook shuffled forward, kind of molding his front to your back. When you pushed a little too hard against him you felt it. Wondering what it could be for a moment you pushed back against him again, when he groaned in surprise.

“U-Um, Jungkook?” You squeaked.

“S-Sorry!” He said, moving away faster than the speed of light.

“I-It’s okay, just, you know,” you flushed.

“It’s not because of you! It’s not uh, I wasn’t um,” he stuttered.

“I-I didn’t think it was?” You said, more of a question.

“It’s not that you’re not pretty or anything it’s-”

“No, I get it,” you said, smiling weakly.

“Y/N-”

“Here’s your water,” Jimin said, bringing in a glass for you to drink.

You sipped it slowly. Not paying attention. Jungkook looked like he was going to die in the corner, which made Jimin shoot him a weird look. He just shook his head as he covered his face. Jimin made a mental note to question him about it later, but his concern was on you right now.

“Have you been getting sick a lot?” Jimin asked, placing a soft hand on your shoulder.

“I mean, it’s mainly in the morning. I think I just ate too much at dinner,” you said, pouting lightly.

“Gotcha, do you feel like you’re going to get sick again? Or do you think you’re done?” He asked.

“I-I think I’m good,” you said, putting the empty glass down.

“Are you sure?” Jimin asked, making you look at him.

“Mhmm,” you confirmed, eyes getting droopy again.

“Alright sleepyhead, brush your teeth and go to bed. Need help getting up?” Jimin worried, fussing over you like any father to be would.

You stood up slowly, mindful of your dizzy head. But, when you stood at the sink you felt everything kinda snap into focus. Jimin dragged Jungkook out of the bathroom to let you do your thing, but told you to come get them if you needed anything.

Hurrying into the bedroom, Jimin narrowed his eyes at his boyfriend.

“Why did you look like you’d rather crawl into an overflowing storm drain than be in that bathroom? What happened when I was getting water?”

Jungkook looked up at Jimin could see the embarrassment on his face. Sighing, Jimin sat down, placing his hand on his boyfriend’s back.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have teased you in the car. It’s just, been a while you know? I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything,” Jimin apologized.

“Y/N felt it, my... When you moved me so you could get out of the bathroom to get her the water, she was pushed up against me. And, she pushed back against me and felt my dick against her,” Jungkook said, rubbing her face.

“Oh, that is... uh, awkward,” Jimin agreed.

“It gets worse,” Jungkook said.

“What do you mean?” Jimin asked.

“I-I told her it wasn’t because of her and then I tried to tell her it’s not that she wasn’t pretty and I just threw up a bunch of words that didn’t make sense and then you were back,” Jungkook whimpered.

Jimin sighed. Jungkook had never been a genius with words, but normally he was better than that. He knows that Jungkook is mortified, Jungkook wasn’t good at mingling or recovering from blunders of the social variety. So, Jimin just sighed and gave his boyfriend a gentle kiss.

“It’s okay Jungkook, Y/N isn’t gonna hold this against you,” Jimin soothed.

“I just feel terrible,” Jungkook said softly.

“Why? It was an accident,” Jimin reasoned.

“Because I-I didn’t want her to stop,” he swallowed. Jimin bit his lip and tried to keep his anger from spilling over.

“I don’t know how many times we have to talk about this Jungkook,” Jimin said.

“We were talking about it in the car! But we’ve never talked about what we want, what we’re doing now, it's not sustainable. I’m going crazy!” Jungkook yelled.

“Jungkook keep your voice down!” Jimin reminded.

“Jimin I’m so fucking confused, I don’t know what we’re doing. What I’m doing. I-I do know one thing for certain. I love those kids, so much, and they aren’t even here yet. I love them so much, because they’re ours... But... I can’t keep doing this. Getting closer only to rip myself away, it’s killing me Jimin. If you want me to walk away, I will but, I just can’t keep giving myself hope when there isn’t any,” Jungkook cried, tears falling down his cheeks.

“I-I didn’t know you were so broken up over this,” Jimin whispered.

“I’m so confused,” Jungkook whispered.

“I am too, I love you so much but... I feel this connection to her. I know it’s normal to be grateful, but, I know it’s more than that with her,” Jimin said, moving to give Jungkook a back hug.

“Then we need to make a decision,” Jungkook said.

“You want to pursue her as a part of our couple? Like, make her our girlfriend?” Jimin asked.

“Do you?” Jungkook asked back.

“I mean... I wouldn’t be opposed,” Jimin said softly.

“I don’t want this if you don’t,” Jungkook said, turning to look at Jimin with sparkling eyes.

“I want this... I want her, but, we need to give her some time, as well as ourselves to come to terms with this,” Jimin reasoned.

“Okay,” Jungkook agreed.

“But, when we’re both ready, we can approach her,” Jimin said.

“Would this be healthy to do? I mean, mentally,” Jungkook asked.

“Polygamous couples generally tend to have better communication than the average two person couples. And with one of us being a therapist I think we could manage. I-I want to work towards that,” Jimin confessed.

“I want this too,” Jungkook said excitedly.

“Then that’s what we’ll do...”

You laid in bed late into the night. You heard Jungkook and Jimin having a disagreement. You couldn’t make out the words but, the walls were thin... You prayed to God that it wasn’t about you, or anything related to the children.

Slowly, your hand trailed down to your stomach. You didn’t think you could see a bump yet, but maybe a little something? You weren’t sure, maybe it was just wishful thinking.

You moved slightly, and you felt something in your underwear. Adjusting lightly, you pulled them down to look, and you saw a decent amount of arousal soaking into the cotton fabric. Blushing bright red you reached down to touch your hot center, to find that you were, in fact, dripping wet.

Biting your lip you thought back on the bathroom incident. Jungkook’s firm body pressed against yours, his hardened cock pressed against your ass, the hot groan he let out. Running your fingers over your slit, you gathered your slick and pushed against your clit gently.

Shockwaves of pleasure ripped through you at the sensation.

“Oh!” You gasped, hand coming up to cover your mouth in fear of waking the boys.

You did it again, causing your body to jump slightly, making more of your arousal drip from your center. Licking your lips you thought about what Jungkook’s hands would feel like instead of yours. What his body would feel like pressed up against yours naked... Jimin’s plump lips flashed through your mind for a second, making you wonder what his blond head would look like between-

No!

No no no no no!

Ripping your hand away from your weeping core you turned over and placed your hands on your head.

How could you? Those two weren’t something to fuel your lonely fantasies! They are in love with each other, and are going to have a family... Albeit you had to help with that part but, still. Jimin and Jungkook weren’t yours... They were each other’s...

But as much as you tried to tell yourself that it would never happen...

You couldn’t help but dream of the two men’s hands running over your body...

Hot breaths touching your ears...

Taglist: @kittkat44, @giadalin, @kookachuwu

If you want to be added to the taglist, just shoot me an ask!

[thedelusionreaderbitch]

Kaz Brekker x alkemi Reader - Strange Truths

A/n: This was so fun to do and me being an Alkemi really was happy with this request! Thank you! I'm so sorry it took so long though!

Warnings: None? Needles?

Request: ok ok so i have an idea- a kaz brekker x alkemi reader where kaz accidentally drinks one of the reader's newest chemical (prolly cause jesper slipped it into his drink) and it makes him super flustered and vv talkative and the reader has to keep him in their lab until they can finish the antidote and kaz tells the reader he likes them right after he takes the antidote so the reader realizes he's actually serious-

I do not own six of crows or shadow and bone or you!

Most people underestimated alkemi's but once they did it once they would not do it again. Kaz Brekker knew that alkemi's could just be as dangerous as a squaller all the way to a shadow or sun summoner if they were powerful enough. To be fair, very few were that powerful but most could kill you slowly and far worse than a heartrender so...

But you were a very powerful alkmei- one of the most powerful to ever live and that was why you are part of the crows. You can fight just fine, but the dregs had seemed to be getting very creative with their ways of killing to getting information and this was all thanks to you.

Though not all appreciated your talents.

Nina has grown up thinking that the alkemi's were weak was a part of those few, Inej just didn't understand you, Jesper understood but was still trying to come to terms with his own Grisha powers, Wylan thought you were amazing and Matthias was just flat out scared.

But that all changed when one day you poisoned a whole army.

Oh, Kaz was just... Happy? No one really knew, but sometimes he just seemed a bit more satisfied about how things were going with you around. Unfortunately for you, that meant he had to spend a bit more time around you trying to come up with more ideas. And that would have been just fine if it weren't for the fact that you were falling helplessly in love with Dirtyhands.

Ya, fuck.

Lately, you had been conjuring up something new in that lab of yours in the basement of the Slat. It was almost like a truth potion but not quite, it was to make it easier to get information out of its victims but not enough to notice.

Officially it was finished and you were going to go tell Kaz but you realized today everyone was going to be at the Crow Club. Just your luck that you hated socializing.

You sigh but you quickly grab the elixir and start running to the Club. Being late to a meeting was never really your foreté.

Finding finally the Crows even with the sea of people around you spot them when you meet Kaz's eyes. Of course, you had to meet his eyes. You go and sit down beside him as everyone had already decided on their drinks.

"Y/n's getting them this time since she's late!" Jesper grins in triumph as you just roll your eyes. It doesn't matter you guessed he was almost always going to be the one late so you figured it wouldn't matter if you had done it this one time. Besides, it would give the sharpshooter (and his boyfriend) a break for once.

Getting up from your seat you walk towards the bar and ask for everyone's drinks. He hands you them and you talk to the bartender as you walk back towards the group.

"I'm your waiter for one time only, don't get used to it."

Kaz just clears his throat and starts talking about a plan that's really in reality just a decoy because of Inej's intel there would be Dime Lion spies in the Crow Club today.

And why not take that to your advantage?

Suddenly Kaz stops talking and you lift an eyebrow at him. He just shakes his head and the others just shrug their shoulders and start a different conversation.

For a bit, you do engage in conversation with the other Crows but Kaz just seemed different? Like he was trying not to burst out talking or something?

"Dirtyhands, you good?"

Instantly his face flushed a bright pink and he stutters out;

"Ya-ya fine. Totally fine, everything's good. Go back to whatever I guess. Just leave me alone and do your work you shouldn't have even asked, so can you please-" He cut himself off and flushed (what you didn't even know was possible) red even brighter.

What the- You always called Kaz Dirtyhands as more as a nickname than a mean term almost like a term of endearment. Although he didn't know that he never had even blinked when you used the little nickname more than necessary so why was he now?

Also to add to that fact, was that you really never called him Kaz. It was mostly to keep yourself in check so you didn't get used to him too much. It was more like reminding yourself that you both weren't on a first-name basis even if you already were.

Narrowing your eyes, you can see that his pupils are slightly dilated and that he's bitting down on his tongue really hard to stop himself from talking. This wasn't just Kaz Brekker flustered, there was something else going on here. And you had to figure at fast before the Dime Lion spies did, or if they already had.

"Brekker, I need to you answer me honestly okay?" You lower your voice and you soften your tone like you would with your targets to get information out of them. You didn't like doing it, but it was the price to pay for his safety.

He just bobs his head up and down trying not to say anything.

"What have you ingested today?"

"Just the drink. Not anything else, being that I forg-" He cuts himself off from his whisper-rant covering his hand over his mouth.

"You haven't eaten today!" Accidently you raise your voice and the anger and concern shine through your usual stone-cold tone.

Kaz widens his eyes and gives you a look to shut the fuck up. He was still the Bastard of The Barrel after all.

Wait, now that you think about it...

You reach into your pocket for your newly brewed elixir and when you take it out it almost confirms it for you.

The lid is open.

Oh, fuck maybe it's better not to cure Kaz because you might just die after this.

It all made sense now though; talkative, flustered, overused & exaggerated facial expressions, looseness of the tongue. Those were all symptoms and you hadn't even noticed.

Well... At least you knew it worked and it was effective. Very effective... Fucking hell Kaz really is going to kill you now.

Grabbing onto his coat sleeve (being extra careful not to touch his skin) you drag him out of the crow club away from the prying eyes of everyone and the shouts of 'what the hell!' From your friends.

Quickly you drag him to the basement of the Slat where all your potions, bombs, machines, elixirs, poisons and most importantly supplies are.

"You can sit there." You point at a chair in the back of the room that basically had a view of everything.

"You better make me an antidote or I swear to-"

You cut him off before he says something he'll regret later. "Go sit your ass down Dirtyhands and let the real Grisha do their magic."

He flushes again and walks over to the chair but not without muttering under his breath how Grisha cannot do magic. And how their abilities work and etc.

By the saints! Now you really didn't want to reverse that chemical elixir, he just sounded really cute. But who the fuck are you kidding? This is Kaz Brekker we're talking about and you just thought of him as cute.

Welp, this is getting interesting.

Quickly you mix some ingredients together trying really hard to go as swift as you can. No one could see Brekker like this it would kill his reputation.

You look down at the antidote and you curse under your breath. This was going to need a needle. Oh fuck, you might as well just die right there.

Hurrying over to your cabinet you quickly go through the vials wondering what size you would need till you found the perfect one. It wasn't very big, and because it was fabrikator made he wouldn't even feel a pinch. But at the same time, it would hold your elixir even if it was a very tiny vial.

"Brekker, your gonna have to put your arm up for me."

You don't turn around knowing that this probably could be your death right here in your lab. At least Kaz Brekker will kill you so at least that's memorable. You sigh, Kaz Brekkers Alkemi was killed by Dirtyhands himself.

"Why?" Most of the time Kaz would just raise his eyebrow at you but because of the fun chemicals that he had in his body that was not the case.

"You might want to roll up your sleeve as well." You say nervously turning around so the needle was visible.

"Because I'm going to have to use a syringe."

"Are you fucking kidding me right now?!"

You slowly walk over and you shake your head.

"Sleeves up."

Kas just grumbles while putting his sleeves up you can tell he's uncomfortable. Now looking back at it you didn't really know how many barrel rats have had needles before, and if they did it probably wasn't good.

"What's your favourite colour?"

He snaps his eyes to meet yours and that's the moment you press the needle in his skin.

As you thought before he didn't flinch but he looked like he wanted to kill you with that stare but his eyes seem to soften with your worried stance.

"It didn't hurt did it?"

Kaz just shakes his head and you sigh in relief. "There shouldn't be any after-effects but I might just check in to see just in case."

He's almost out the door when he stops just at the entrance.

"Your eyes."

You whip your head around to meet his dark eyes.

"What?"

Slowly he comes away from the door frame advancing on you and he shakily takes off a glove and presses his hand against your cheek.

"You asked me what my favourite colour was."

You have convinced yourself that at this moment you have stopped breathing. Nothing else matters but you two of you in this room. The feeling of his hand on your cheek sends butterflies everywhere in you. And you can't stop to think about how beautiful and terrifying those brown nearly black eyes are.

"Boss!" There's a shout from upstairs and he quickly pulls away putting his glove back on.

"So I'll be seeing you around Brekker?"

He rolls his eyes. "You know you can call me Kaz right?"

You laugh as you herd him through the door knowing that he has business to attend to.

"But I think you much prefer when I call you Dirtyhands."

The blush spreads across his cheeks albeit not as strong this time but at least you know it's not from one of your elixirs.

"Only you Y/n only you."

Words 1799

-thedelusionreaderbitch

Shadow and bone taglist: @kaqua @rika90 @thefandomplace @musical-theatre-obsessed-dumbass @gallysonegoodlung @navs-bhat @sumsebien @dontjudgeabookbythecover

[yandere-daze]

Hey, there! Stalker Rook anon here! Just my opinion, but I think that Ruggie (my girlfriends favorite) would be a huge stalker yan, too! It just sort of radiates off him. And based off your horrortober post, Cater would stalk, too! Who else do you think would stalk?

tw yandere, tw stalking

The better question is who doesn't dhdhd it's a trope I'm quite fond of when writing yanderes so it might pop up for a lot of characters I write for if the thought suddenly comes to me djdje So here I'll talk about some twst characters that I definitely think are stalkers in one way or another!

I already talked about Rook and Cater I wrote for in horrortober so let's get to some other twisted boys shall we? ^^

Ruggie didn't have a lot of things growing up so now he definitely wants to be with the person he loves the most at all times! He's always close behind them and greedily taking in any new information he gets on them. He would also be someone that would try to manipulate every interaction you have with the other guys and his unique magic is perfect for that! He can make them do things like tearing up your books without them wanting to or make them hurt you so you will start to hate them! And then, you will have more time to spend with Ruggie, yay!

Hm I definitely think Idia would be a very big stalker too, but not actually in person but from the hundreds of cameras he has set up in the school ( and your room on a day when he felt particularly brave and you weren't around). He's too nervous to actually talk to you and go outside so he watches your every move from the comfort of his own home as you go about your day. I think he would be very jealous when he sees you talking to someone else, wishing that they would all just stay away from you. He's fuming in his room as we speak!

I think Jack might also stark his darling but not as much in a "I have to know absolutely everything about them/ I don't want to approach them" kind of way, but more so that he wants to protect them from any possible danger. At a school like NRC where everyone can use magic and lots of not-entirely good people inhabit the place, you need someone that can keep you safe from harm! Will watch you very carefully and if anything seems to go wrong he will step in and help you deal with the matter, there's nothing to worry about when he's here!

Deuce also gives me some stalker vibes but I can't quite explain why. He would definitely know that what he feels and what he does is wrong but he just can't help himself. You're most likely the first crush he ever had and the feeling just completely overwhelms him. He loves being close to you but lately you've been spending a lot of time befriending other people at NRC! He's been with you the longest and aside from ace and grim there hasn't really been any other people interacting with you so now he's kind of experiencing withdrawal symptoms? Like he's just used to you always hanging out with him and now that your time is more divided because of your new friends he feels left out. So of course, the most rational thing to do is trail after you and study what he's missing out on, right? He often secretly watches you when you hang out with other people and he feels hurt seeing you get along so well with them.

It will become a very bad habit of him to just follow you wherever you go, he feels like he needs to make up for the time you are away from each other now!

To a lesser degree I can also see Riddle and Lilia as sometimes stalking their obsession.

For Riddle it's mostly because he wants to make sure that they are upholding all the rules while he isn't there. There's no particular reason why the boy you talked to suddenly had way more tasks to do, of course ^^

For Lilia, it's actually just more for his own amusement. He doesn't really crave watching you all the time, he just enjoys how unnerved you get when he does it. Your paranoid expression is absolutely adorable to him and he keeps wanting to see it! And then when he suddenly pops up from the ceiling you always let out a sigh of relief, relaxing knowing that it was just "Lilia being Lilia again". He can't help but be amused. You're putting a lot of faith into a shrew fae like him, aren't you, darling?

[caelestis-composition]

killshot anon! YEAH i totally agree w/ your view on kaeya. it's so weird to me that people will blame him for his role in a situation he was forced into as a child through no choice of his own. that itself had to be traumatic, not to mention everything that happened later. i hate when people say he's untrustworthy - like yeah, he's lied, so has everyone? it's clear he does it mostly to protect himself. not to mention that (& sadism) can be symptoms of trauma. kaeya deserves nothing but happiness

take a seat folks it’s time for a “brynn should’ve been an english major” lesson! today we’re gonna learn some literary theory; specifically, we’re gonna apply psychoanalytical trauma theory to kaeya’s backstory and current character. killshot anon i bet you never thought this would result in a whole ass essay.

disclaimer one! you are allowed to dislike kaeya! i am not saying you need to like him or his character, you’re entitled to your opinion and i’m not here to change your mind.

disclaimer two! i am in no way an expert and this is all for fun! this is just my silly little analysis of one of my favorite characters as someone who’s studied literary theory and rhetoric and can also apply personal experience. seriously analysis is like a hobby to me and this is just an excuse for me to ramble about kaeya.

disclaimer three! this contains lots of spoilers! basically for everything we know in-game, general knowledge as well as stuff from his voicelines and character story. don’t read this if you don’t want spoilers.

since this is going to be filled with spoilers and is about to get really long, everything will be under a cut. for those who wanna read my dumb super informal essay: enjoy!

final note: yeah this is over 2000 words long can you tell i like analysis

⭒

let’s start by getting a quick rundown of trauma theory out of the way. to begin, what is “trauma?” in this case, trauma is going to refer to an experience that greatly affects and changes one’s life; attitudes, memories, behaviors, mental state, etc. while not all changes may be bad, per se, the overall effect of trauma is generally a negative one, which is why it’s so significant. literary trauma theory, then, explores these changes and the impact of trauma in literature. it analyzes the psychological and social effects of trauma, explaining what those effects are and why they happen. in the context of a specific character, trauma theory breaks down said character’s behaviors, feelings, and general mentality in relation to their past experiences; trauma theory hopes to explain to others the reasons for why a character may act or feel the way they do, all based upon the character’s experiences, particularly traumatic ones. our character today is the lovely kaeya alberich, with the “literature” being genshin impact. i’ll be referencing kaeya’s wiki page to ensure i get all details correct for his character story and voicelines.

it would be good to review kaeya’s backstory before delving into the actual analysis. though we don’t know much about his life before living in mondstadt, we’re told he was sent as an agent of khaenri’ah. and by “sent,” i mean his biological father abandoned him in a completely unfamiliar land to serve khaenri’ah’s interests and fullfil his mission—what this entirely entails hasn’t been revealed. mondstadt, however, welcomed kaeya “with open arms when they found him.” crepus ragnvindr took him in as his adopted son, with diluc as his adopted brother. kaeya and diluc were “almost like twins,” so close they “[knew] each other’s thoughts and intentions without a word.” he’d began a new life in mondstadt, one surrounded by friends and family that loved him; one that was completely shattered by crepus’s death. kaeya arrived at the scene of the disaster, and was led to believe diluc was the one who killed their father to “set his father free” from the effects of his delusion. there’d always been one big question in kaeya’s life: if it came down to it, who would he support? the nation that abandoned him, but he still felt loyal to, or the nation and family that took him in and really loved him? overrun with guilt, kaeya confessed his purpose to diluc, sparking a fight between the two brothers. in this fight, kaeya receives his cryo vision. though both brothers stepped away alive, they’ve never been able to make peace with one another. now, kaeya is the eccentric and charming cavalry captain of the knights of favonius; a man who gets his way by using any means necessary, regardless of whether or not it seems right.

kaeya’s not evil; he’s morally ambiguous, and that stems from what appears to be a general distrust of others. his life is one shrouded in secrecy. from the moment he stepped foot into mondstadt, he was surrounded by secrets. even now, he doesn’t talk about a lot of things, namely his past, vision, and feelings. though he’s always willing to get information out of others, kaeya never reveals anything about himself. he repeatedly tells the player they can confide in him, but whenever you try and pry into his life, he deflects your questions with some sort of witty comment or flirty remark. anything he does reveal is vague, or spoken in some sort of “code.” for example, his “interesting things” voiceline. he tells us about the owl of dragonspine, how it “seems to look right through you, while letting go of none of its own secrets,” and then tacks on a “quite fascinating, don’t you think?” it seems like an awfully accurate parallel to himself; kaeya does all he can to get information from others, but never gives anything about himself. now, this whole thing—his relationship with diluc falling apart and his need for secrecy—could have probably been avoided if he had just come clean about his mission years ago. so why didn’t he? to start, kaeya was a literal child. not only are children unable to properly tell the difference between right and wrong, but they’ll also typically follow their parents’ orders blindly. kaeya had just been abandoned, and he wouldn’t want to risk being cast out by mondstadt as well if he came clean right away. you see, there’s this thing about trauma, something that trauma theory states. traumatized people feel a sort of shame or guilt regarding their traumatic experience; they’ll keep quiet because they don’t want to cause problems or bother others with their issues. of course kaeya wouldn’t tell the truth about his past, he doesn’t want to destroy the genuinely loving relationships he’d built in mondstadt. his fight with diluc only proves what he was afraid of: if he’s honest, he’ll be abandoned again. and if kaeya’s used to all the lies, why should he bother changing?

another thing, if he’s not going to tell the truth, then why would he have initially gone along with his father’s plans? again, he was a child. he really had no choice, and was forced into a very wrong and cruel situation. there’s a good explanation for this, too, which is also stated in trauma theory; traumatized people will still do their best to please their abusers. especially if said abuser is a parent, that will drive traumatized people to work even harder to please them. although his father hurt him by ruthlessly abandoning him, kaeya still sought to make him and his homeland proud. he was willing to be used as a tool for their gain; that is, until he found people who actually cared about him. he was an impressionable child, of course he’s going to obey orders. but as he gets older, he feels torn. does he serve those who abandoned him, or those that took him in? his father—and arguably, khaenri’ah as a whole—hurt him, sure, but he still feels some loyalty and connection to his former home. instead of revealing anything, he lets the situation play out. that way, he can’t be blamed when things fall apart.

the thing about claiming he’s untrustworthy is that hardly anyone in-game believes that. he’s adored by the older folks in mondstadt, and foes and allies alike find him easy to talk to. despite seeming lazy and uninterested in work, kaeya takes his job very seriously. in fact, his story states that crepus’s death was the “first and only time kaeya failed in his duty.” the “only time” is especially important, because it signifies kaeya still fulfills his duties successfully. he’s had a total of one slip-up, and hasn’t failed since. no, kaeya is not untrustworthy. rather, kaeya finds everyone else untrustworthy. it’s not unlikely that this is a direct consequence of being abandoned as a child. although it’s been established that kaeya and diluc were very close as children, when crepus dies, kaeya assumes diluc is the one that killed him. in order to jump to such an extreme conclusion against someone he was so close to, there had to be some underlying sense of distrust. furthermore, kaeya expresses feeling as though he doesn’t belong anywhere. he was abandoned by khaenri’ah, and then worried he wouldn’t be accepted by mondstadt. he is, but there’s still that worry. if you place him in your teapot as a companion, he tells you that your home feels like someplace he belongs, following it up with a “heh, who’d have thought…” kaeya still feels as though he doesn’t belong in mondstadt; despite the fact that he’s a high-ranking knight of favonius and rather popular, he still feels like an outsider. he doesn’t trust that anyone actually wants him around, and he finds joy in testing peoples’ trustworthiness. it’s noted in his story and through his voicelines that the beloved cavalry captain has a rather sadistic nature. he likes putting people into difficult situations, to see what decisions they will make. he does this to both opponents and allies, testing to see who’s going to back out and who’ll keep fighting; in the sake of allies, who can he trust? or who will turn tail and abandon their teammates at the slightest hint of danger? i mentioned it previously, but kaeya doesn’t care what measures he has to take so long as his job gets done and he gets the answers he wants. it’s a sort of self-preserving mindset, putting himself above the safety of others. kaeya’s trying to protect himself, which makes sense with all he’s been through. he doesn’t want to be hurt, and instead finds pleasure in threatening harm upon others. it’s twisted, sure, but it’s because he can only trust himself in a world that he believes is out to get him. he’s got as many enemies—if not more—as he does allies; of course kaeya focuses on protecting himself first, whether physically or through keeping his secrets, well, secret.

his most obvious traumatic effect is definitely his alcoholism. but he uses it as a distraction, not just to wallow in self-pity. this is seen again in his story, particularly in story 3. it’s found that when his favorite drink, death after noon, is out of season, mondstadt’s crime rate is decreased drastically. at face value, this just means kaeya spends more time working when death after noon is low in supply. but kaeya doesn’t skip work to go to taverns; it’s already been established he takes his job very seriously, so this means he actually patrols and tracks down threats while off work when he can’t indulge in his favorite alcoholic drink. he doesn’t get drunk simply because he’s depressed. if he did, there wouldn’t be a drop in incidents when death after noon is out of season. no, kaeya uses both the alcohol and fighting to distract himself. after all, it’s a little hard to think about feeling sad when you’re either drunk out of your mind or fighting for your life.

despite being so secretive, kaeya gives us glimpses of his true emotions from time to time. as previously mentioned, his flirty attitude is nothing more than a mask to hide how he really feels; and kaeya is terribly, terribly lonely. that may be why he seems so extroverted. constantly being around people should, logically, drive away that feeling, but it doesn’t work like that. when he talks with the player, he frequently expresses disappointment when you have to leave. each time, though, he dampens the weight of his words with playful or flirty language. he’s lonely, but doesn’t want you to know that, like he’s afraid of asking you to stay. he takes the seriousness of his feelings, and basically bends it into some sort of lighthearted joke. kaeya hides his true feelings—negative feelings, to be exact—so that he doesn’t bother anyone. which is, again, something that happens with traumatized people. he displays that hesitance to reveal his true feelings, because there’s a shame or guilt that comes with his past. he doesn’t want to bother others or hold them back, so he puts on a smile and amps up the charisma. one other very important thing—but very small detail—i would like to note is his feelings toward family. his fell apart not even once, but twice, and kaeya still holds familial relationships in high regard. we know he doesn’t exactly care how he goes about getting his work done. he doesn’t pay attention to what’s “right” or “wrong,” so long as he gets what he needs. but one of his informants, vile, notes that the cavalry captain has one exception: he won’t work with those who threaten others’ families. in fact, kaeya claims those who do should be hunted down and destroyed. even though his own families have caused him so much pain—and he ended up estranged from both—he still understands the importance of having people who love you in your life. because he didn’t get that.

kaeya’s not evil. ultimately, as a knight of favonius, his goal is to protect others, because no one was there to protect him. and because no one was there to protect him, because he’s been hurt time and time again by people who were supposed to love him, kaeya has taken to protecting himself. he hides any and all negative feelings with a charismatic, friendly façade, because he thinks it’ll drive away his persistent loneliness. any “bad” actions of his were hardly his fault; he was forced into a life of secrecy and lies, and then abandoned by the first people who truly loved him. kaeya’s a multi-faceted, tragic character, one that toes the line between good and evil, and that’s what makes him so interesting.